#so i dont know if ive just grown accustom to like. infodumping and stimming as being super normal and almost expected | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

comas-are-for-sleeping · 3 months

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my mom doesn’t think im autistic and then i write shit like, “yeah i look for patterns in my life but for some reason socializing and people never fit? why cant i apply other knowledge to being a person with other people”

#and ik its not social anxiety bc this is *systematic*#im socially anxious because i genuinely do not know if what i say and do will be well received #idk How i ignored the judgement when i was a kid or remember really if there was any #i mean. like i know of some… and those things have been pretty much edited out of my personality #im slowly getting some of that back i think #unless this is a totally average thought and experience?#like. oh i realized that actually making small mistakes when playing music is not the end of the world #so then why does it feel a hell of a lot like social setting vibes can change at the drop of a pin #maybe it is just anxiety! maybe i am truly just scared of judgement #im definitely a perfectionist so it would make some amount of sense #but then like theres still the real true factual experiences ive had when i *knew* being myself would have been completely rejected #in spaces that are not predominantly queer/nuerodivergant #so i dont know if ive just grown accustom to like. infodumping and stimming as being super normal and almost expected #and that the ‘real world’ isnt like that #in which case i suppose it would be a learned thing #so who tf am i then #brb gonna have an existential crisis real quick #rambles #winter stfu

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