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bustyasianbeautiespod · 11 months

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Episode 65 Transcript: Ewwwwww!

[intro guitar music]

G: Hello! My name is Grey.

C: And my name is Crystal.

G: And this is Busty Asian Beauties, a Supernatural commentary podcast where I, someone who's seen this show several times...

C: And I, someone who only knows the show through social media, discuss every single episode of Supernatural from start to finish. Also, we are both Asian.

G: Both Asian! For today’s episode, we will be discussing Season 4, Episode 5: "Monster Movie," written by Ben Edlund, directed by Robert Singer.

C: Huh. I didn't notice any terrible zooms this episode, did you?

G: Well, they were running off a certain-

C: Doing a certain style, yeah.

G: Yeah, a certain style, certain format. So it was like, they were definitely having fun, but they were not experimenting, so- which is what I would, you know, [laughs] describe Robert Singer's zooms. [C laughs] They are, in fact, experiments.

C: Yeah.

G: Yeah. This episode is not that good. [both laugh]

C: And this is also a weird episode to have followed "Metamorphosis," as we discussed before recording.

G: It is. And it's also just-

C: Ideologically confused as fuck.

G: Yes. For an episode with a gimmick- First of all, I want to say this episode, as I said, has a gimmick, but it is so bad [C laughs] that you forget it. Like, the gimmick itself, is like, a bit overwrough, and like, the episode itself is trying to say things and then immediately taking those things back.

C: Yup. Yeah.

G: And also just terrible. [C laughs] It is bad. It is a bad episode.

G: Yeah, my main takeaway from this episode is like, "Wow, people back in like, I don't know, the earlier 1900s or whatever were so brave for watching black and white movies, because I could not tell what the fuck was going on half of the time." Also, I would love if Ben Edlund was normal about women sometimes, but, alas, it will never occur.

G: Yeah. It sucks because it's like- I don't know, for context, we didn't record for 2 weeks, so like, this is our reunion episode [C laughs] after 2 weeks. And I just feel like this is not a good episode to come back to, you know? It's-

C: Yeah.

G: Yeah. The- Ben Edlund, I don't know. Why do we like this guy? I mean, why do people like him? I suppose he wrote good Cas episodes.

C: Did he do "The Man Who Would Be King"?

G: Yeah. We'll get there some day.

C: I was entertained at times, I guess. But like, it was just ultimately very frustrating.

G: It was actually like, very easy to figure out what they were trying to do early on, which is fine.

C: Yeah. At minute 14:28, I had the answer. I noted down the timestamp.

G: Yeah. She was the monster. I don't know. So in a way that's fun. It's fun to be like, "Ooh," you know, "I figured it out." But that's- the fun does end there, very much, so.

C: Yeah. I thought maybe it was a genre thing that it was so fucking obvious who the monster was. Like, maybe like, in older movies, it was really easy to figure out the mysteries. But like, maybe it's also because in 2008 they were like, "Changing gender? That's not a thing!" So who knows?

G: Anyway, so what did you know about this episode before going in?

C: So like, before, like, May 5 or whatever, all I knew about this episode was that it was in black and white, there were vampires in it. and it was considered like, a fun episode. And then, on May 5, my mutual draculagerard was liveblogging it a little bit, and like, everything that he was saying was like, just stuff like, "What the fuck is wrong with Supernatural’s ideology?" [G laughs] blah blah blah, "Supernatural is like, yeah, monsters are redeemable. Yeah, most of them don't want to do this and would choose a life otherwise. Yeah, we're actively implying they want to be better. Yeah, we could write a redemption. Anyways, shoot them." is a post that I saw on May 5. And I was like, "What the fuck is 'Monster Movie' about?" [G laughs] And yeah, no, it's about both of those things.

G: It truly is. Well, the only thing I remember from this episode is that there's gonna be a Dracula figure, and Dean's gonna be tied up into an- what do you even call this? :ike, an elevated bed? I have no idea.

C: Yeah, like, I don't know either.

G: Yeah. It's a standing contraption. Well.

C: Well.

G: Let's start! [laughs] Let's get into it.

C: Alright.

G: So this episode doesn't have a "Before" sequence because, you know, obviously, they're trying to do something. [C laughs] And also, nothing they could show is gonna be relevant because this is an irrelevant episode, so yeah. No plot happening whatsoever. Anyway, like, it starts off with like, a Warner Brothers logo. You know, very classic cinema. I say. Well, to be honest with you and everyone who is listening, I am not a film person.

C: At all? You're more of a film person than I am.

G: Yeah. I find it very, very, very difficult to watch movies. So I have no idea what any of these are. And also, I hate horror. [both laugh] Which is why I chose to start a Supernatural podcast.

C: Yeah. 'Course. I don't think I ever watched a classic film movie ever. Like, I've not seen a black and white movie ever. So for all I know, like, Supernatural came up with all of these tropes and all these like, film techniques by itself. Like, how am I to know?

G: You know, I have watched black and white movies. You know. Andrei Tarkovsky? [laughs]

C: No. I don't know anything.

G: He's like, I think he was Russian. So the movies are Russian. And I liked to watch Russian movies back in my day.

C: Okay.

G: Back in my day. When I was like, you know when you're 15, and you're like, "I will suffer through this movie that's incomprehensible to me."

C: And someone tells you they love you-

G: What? What are you talking about?

C: You said "when you're 15." I'm referencing my beloathed enemy, Taylor Swift.

G: Ughh. It's so horrible. Well, I hate it. Thank you very much. [C laughs] I watched a couple of Tarkovsky movies, and then I watched The Godfather, which is actually a very spectacular movie. I did love that.

C: Wait, The Godfather's in black and white?

G: No, it's not. [laughs] But it's a classic. It's a classic.

C: Yeah, okay.

G: Yeah. That's my defense. So like, I don't- I've never watched a Dracula movie, a mummy movie, a werewolf movie. I've never watched any.

C: Yeah. I'm not even subscribed to Dracula Daily, which is, of course, the newsletter that the book Dracula is based off of.

G: It's the one where it's like, it sends you the letters at the same timeline, right?

C: Yeah, yeah.

G: That's pretty cool.

C: And there's a podcast called like, Re:Dracula that I think is happening on the same timeline right now, and I've been meeting to check it out because Johnny Sims voices one of the characters, but I have not bothered to yet.

G: Why are we trying so hard to not talk about this episode? [both laugh]

C: 'Cause it sucks! [groans] Whatever, let's just do it. Whatever.

G: Yeah, yeah. Sam and Dean are- like, the music- like, first of all, the screen does the whole, like, "Let's show all the writers and directors and producers," and it's in a black and white. It's all in black and white. And as it pans down, we see, like, the Impala going through the night. And there's- the music is like, scary music from a classic monster movie. But we go to the Impala, and we realize-

C: Wait. Did you notice that they drive past a sign called "Welcome to Pennsylvania," and then there's like, a lightning flash, and then the "Penn" turns to "Trans" so it says "Transylvania."

G: Ah, that's horrible. [laughs]

C: Yeah. My notes are "Noo the Penn turned into Trans...come up with good joke about this before recording." [laughs] I did not come up with good joke about this before recording.

G: Yeah. Unfortunate.

C: Sad.

G: Well, what I wanted to say first of all is that the music was coming from the Impala, which like, that is- I thought that was actually very funny.

C: Oh, yeah, I love a diegetic music.

G: The concept of like, you're just driving down the road in the middle of the night, and the radio's like, "dun-dun-dun-dun," I think that's very funny.

C: Yeah.

G: Yeah. Anyway, it's Pennsylvania. And Sam is reading like, case files inside of the car, and I was hit with the realization that there is, in fact, no overhead flashlight in these old cars. So like, Sam, had to hold like, a flashlight-

C: Oh. [laughs] Oh my god.

G: - a small flashlight over his- over the shit that he's reading because it's the middle of the night. You know what? I've been saying that I want like, an old car in the future. This has completely changed my mind. [C laughs] I need a car with an overhead light. That is my only condition.

C: Yeah.

G: Anyway, the case is apparently like, a very basic vampire case. It's like, "Yeah, there's wounds on the neck, there's no blood. And the witness is like, 'Yeah, it was a vampire.'" And Sam shows a little apprehension over the whole hunting down just some vampire while the world is ending. But Dean is like, "You know what? We can't do anything about that. [C laughs] So might as well do this."

C: Yeah, they haven't referenced the apocalypse since 4.02. Like, that's insane. They took a detour to be mad at Sam for doing nothing wrong for 2 episodes.

G: Yeah. And also, like, I find it so interesting that at this point they were like, trying to hide the fact, like- the reason why Dean wants to go to this case is because it's like, in an Oktoberfest area. [both laugh] And he's like- He doesn't mention this. He's like, "You know what? We're saving the world." [C laughs] And then immediately the next scene is like, "Let's party, baby!"

C: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Dean.

G: He is so annoying this episode.

C: Yeah. He also makes a joke about how they're taking a "straightforward, [overlapping] black and white case." [G laughs] Yeah. [flatly] You're soo funny and soo meta, Dean. Wow.

G: Which is funny in that, you know, the fact that it's a black and white episode. But also, like, the implication that this is a black and white case morally [C laughs] is so funny to me.

C: Yeah, yeah. Sure is.

C: So we cut to town, and as you mentioned, it is Oktoberfest, and the camera is mostly just on women in like, barmaid outfits that, like, show off their boobs and shit. And Sam and Dean get out of the car, and they're making conversation. And I actually did like this part where Dean says that they have to see the new Raiders movie, and Sam says he already saw it, and Dean goes, "Without me?!" and Sam goes, "You were in Hell." and Dean goes, "That's no excuse." But like, they're both like, being quite lighthearted and jokey about it, I feel like. Like there wasn't like, baggage around this. And I think that that's fun. Like, yeah, when terrible things happen, you do joke about it lightheartedly with your sibling.

G: Yeah.

C: Yeah. And also the Raiders movie, I think it was- Is it Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Arc? That's the only thing that came up when I looked up "raiders movie."

G: Well, I suppose it is that. The only- what's Tomb Raider? That's like, the girl, right? [laughs] The video game character.

C: Oh, you mean Lara Croft?

G: Lara Croft, yeah. But that's a video game.

C: I think that's a video game. Let me check what year Raiders of the Lost Arc came out. Huh. No. The first one is from 1981, but then there's- is that a new one? Are there more of them? Okay, there's an Alien Raiders from 2008, and there's a Treasure Raiders from 2007.

G: I don't know these movies.

C: Whatever. Who give a shit.

G: Whatevs.

C: I hope Sam went with Ruby. I hope they had like, a popcorn date.

G: Real!

C: Yeah, so-

G: Do you like going to the movies?

C: Yes. Do you?

G: You do?

C: Yeah.

G: [laughs] There was a time in my life where I went to the movies every week because I am a person with a disability, and, you know, one of the perks of that in my city, like, pre-pandemic, was you can watch movies like, every Wednesday for free. So I was like, "You know what? I'm gonna take advantage of this-" what would you call that?

C: Perk.

G: Benefit? Whatever. "I'm gonna take advantage of this perk." And I went for like, an entire month, every Wednesday to the movies to the point that I knew the people who are also gonna go, because, like, it's every Wednesday, and it's like people with disabilities and senior citizens. So it was like, it's me and the grandmas who were watching. [C laughs] And like, I knew them. I was like, "Hey, it's me. We're watching the movies again." And then around the fourth time I watched a movie in the cinema, I was like, "I don't even want to do this."

C: Oh no! G: "I hate this, like, actively." So I've never gone to the movies since.

C: Wow. Congrats on realizing that about yourself. [G laughs] Maybe I would hate going to the movie theater if I went less- or if I went more often, but I feel like I only go twice a year. I don't know. It's fun to be in a dark room with a big screen. And also like, it's fun on the way that a concert is fun where you get to experience it with strangers who also laugh at the parts you laugh, and it's fun to assess like, what gets people going and what doesn't get people going in the room. So- I don't know. I like it.

G: I have also never been to a concert. [laughs]

C: So real.

G: So yeah.

C: Yeah. So Dean gets both of them some big pretzels. And then a hot woman, awooga-awooga, [G laughs] walks by and says hi to Dean. And like, Sam and Dean have a shot where they're both like, gawking at her, and then the camera, aka Robert Singer, does like, a pan up from the legs situation for no fucking reason. And this woman's name is Jamie, and she becomes relevant to the rest of the episode but has no personality or life outside of anyone.

So they see the sheriff and introduce themselves, and he takes them to the morgue where the victim whose death they're investigating is. So her name is Marissa Wright, she's 26, and, you know, the cop says something about how "Oh, this is such a terrible thing to happen during tourist season." [G laughs] And, you know, Sam snarks at him a little bit about it. And what they see is that the bite marks on her neck are just like, two like, exactly two circular puncture marks which are a lot cleaner than most vampire bites in Supernatural. The cop says that this killer is probably some kind of "Satan-worshiping, Anne Rice-reading gothic psycho vampire wannabe."

G: I know a lot of those people. [both laugh]

C: Yeah. Was this like, around the time of Satanic panic or something?

G: Is it?

C: I feel like Supernatural mentions Satan worshipers, at least in earlier seasons, way more often than I would assume it would come up in any actual crime. I don't-

G: That's fascinating. I mean, was there like, an era in the United States where that was like, a concern by many?

C: Yeah, okay, it looks like it was mostly the 80s and 90s during which the Satanic panic was happening. But I'm sure there were ramifications into 2008. Yeah, people were- I don't know the exact details. But yeah, people were like very, very like, "Oh, like, this preschool is teaching our children to worship Satan" and stuff about like, just the randomest shit. Yeah. And the cop also directs them towards a witness named Ed Brewer, who he calls unreliable.

G: So Sam and Dean go to the bar.

C: Yeah. And the thing about them going to a bar is that I've been so like, Supernatural-deprived and so playing Disco Elysium for the past, like, few weeks because we had a break, that like, as soon as I saw them in a bar, I went like, "Noo! Harry Du Bois, your sobriety!" But no, neither of these people are Harry Du Bois, and they are not focusing on being sober right now.

G: So Sam and Dean walk into the bar, as we said, and the bartender, Jamie, is like, "Oh, it's you guys." And Dean starts flirting it up. Like, he says, like, "Oh, I remember you," and then he looks over at her nametag, and he's like-

C: Well, what he looks over at are her boobs, and her nametag just happens to be in the vicinity.

G: They were, in fact, in the vicinity. [C laughs] And he's like, "I never forget a pretty... everything." Ugh! I hate it!

C: He's so annoying.

G: Literally multiple times- no, because sometimes, like, Dean would do his thing, and I'm like, "Okay, he's doing it." [C laughs] And then this episode, I literally was going, "Ewwwwww! I'm gonna scream!" [both laughing] Literally ew.

C: Yeah. I just- most of my notes this episode are just me saying, "I do not believe that Dean Winchester has ever managed to have sex with anybody." He has no game this episode, but it works?

G: Yeah, he has the face card, though, is the thing.

C: I guess.

G: Yeah. And Sam redirects their objective and says that they're looking for Ed. Like, they say that they're Feds and then Jamie is like, "Ooh, are you serious? You're seriously a Fed?" [C laughs] And then Dean says like- he leans forward, and he does like, this tone with his voice where he's like, all low and sensual, and he says, "I'm a maverick. A rebel with a badge. One thing I don't play by... is the rules." It is honestly so bad. It is so bad.

C: I don't know what he's trying to do. Like, this is clearly like, an act. Like, no one would read this as coming off as genuine. Like, why is he doing it?

G: Yeah.

C: Yeah, at least Sam's like, rolling his eyes behind Dean.

G: Yeah. Anyway, they end up talking to the witness, and the witness is like- What is this thing he's drinking from?

C: It's called a beer stein in the transcript.

G: Yeah. It's like a giant thermos. Like, you know, like, in the Philippines, I don't know if you have this in other countries, but there's like, a giant thermos where you put like, hot water, and if you're like, drinking coffee, that's where you get your water. Yeah. And it it looks like that, but it has beer. So the guy's like, a little bit intoxicated, and they do a thing throughout where like, if he's feeling tense or he's about to say something he gets the giant mug, or, I don't know, the beer stein, and then drinks from it. But yeah, anyway, he's saying that like, "Oh, I told the cops everything, but they didn't believe me." And Sam and Dean are like, you know, doing their usual "Don't worry. We'll believe you." And then he starts talking. He says that he was walking down the street, he saw this couple that he thought was making out, but the girl was struggling too much and the guy was biting her neck. And Sam was like, "Can you describe the man?" And Ed just goes, "Oh, he was a vampire." [C laughs] And Dean's like, "Okay... And by that, you mean...?" And he just keeps saying like, "I mean, he was a vampire." Like, he was very adamant. And then finally, he describes what the vampire looks like, which is that he has fangs, and he has slicked-back hair and a cape, and like, a little medallion. And Dean goes like, "Okay, so this guy is Dracula?" And Ed goes, "Yeah. With the accent and everything." And then he does the accent that he says like, you know, "Stay away-" I can't do the accent. I'm so sorry.

C: I don't want to try it.

G: I can do many voices in this podcast, but I am very bad at accents. But yeah. He's like, "Oh, what? You don't believe me?" And we cut to Sam and Dean, who are just staring at him.

C: Yeah.

C: And then Jamie and Lucy are chatting - Lucy is the other bartender - and watching what's happening. And Lucy mentions that Ed Brewer has a crush on Jamie and therefore tips her in $20 bills. And then she does this thing where like, she takes a napkin and, like, puts it between her lips to like, leave a lipstick mark. And I thought this would be more relevant to the episode than it was. Like, It's relevant, but like, barely. I thought that it was like- it had to do with like- I don't- I think my theory around this point was that Lucy was a witch and that this had something to do with- like, her lipstick had something to do with what was happening. But yeah, that's not really the relevance of that.

So then Dean comes up to the bar and then he starts flirting with Jamie again. Sam notices the lipstick print, which I guess is important. And then he and Dean just say, like, "Okay, like, this is definitely not a real vampire. This is just like, some goth murder person." And Dean goes, "Okay, yeah, who cares?"

G: They're like, "Well, we're supposed-" Yeah, they were like, "I guess we should leave, then. I mean this guy did murder someone."

C: "But that's not our thing." Yeah, I'm just- this does annoy me a lot, because, like, we already knew this, but it makes it very clear that, like, their work, is not about the harm that's wrought. It's about how they think that as a human, they're allowed to be judge, jury, and executioner for anything that's not human.

G: Yeah.

C: And like, it's good that they're not being like, cop vigilantes in a human-hunting sense, but like, it's still annoying.

G: Yeah.

C: Yeah. So Dean's like, "Let's not go because it's Oktoberfest, so let's just hang out here as more murders happen." And he goes, "There's beer and bar wenches." And then Sam like, pulls out his like, Gender Studies 101 textbook and goes, "Pretty sure women today don't react well to the whole 'wench' thing, Dean." And then because Ben Edlund is a person who exists [G laughs], like Dean like, he yells at Jamie, "Hey, barwench! Where's that beer?" And she like, shoots him a winning smile, and is like, "Coming up, good sir." So like, this was just Ben Edlund totally pwning the feminists by showing that women do like to be called outdated, demeaning terms. Good job.

So she comes to the table with Dean's beer, and Dean makes like, a joke about how Sam doesn't drink because he's a Christian Scientist, which I guess is- what? Like, him just trying to knock out the competition before it's too late? And then they flirt more-

G: [laughing] I hate- I hate the whole like- I hate that so much. If you're flirting with someone and that person responds, "You're funny," like, get the fuck out of there. [both laughing] Is that mean? Is that mean? Is that a mean thing to say?

C: Uh, yeah.

G: It's such an annoying thing to hear, and like, hearing it here, I was like, "Ah, fucking hell."

C: Yeah. Yeah. Dean goes, [douchebag voice] "I'm a lot more than that. I'd love to get a chance to show you the rest."

G: Ew!

C: "I want you to look at my peepee soooo bad! [G laughing] What time do you get off?" But then, you know, Jamie rejects him, Andrea-style, where she goes like, "Yeah, no. Like I said, you're funny." And then she goes away.

And then we have the famous scene where Dean says that since he came back from Hell like, without any of his scars, and all of that, he's a virgin again. He has been re-hymenated. And my note here is, "Diversity win! This trans man is misogynistic." [G laughs]

G: It literally is.

C: So yeah, Sam's like, "Okay, fine. Go get de-hymenated or whatever. I'm gonna go to sleep." And, you know, Dean tries with Jamie again, but she says that she can't because she's having a girl's night out with Lucy. And like, she also says, like, "Oh, like, no self-respecting bar wench lets herself get picked up by a customer on the first try." [groans] I'm so bored, I'm so bored, I'm sick and bored and tired. And then, you know, the scene ends with Dean saying that the case isn't weird enough for him, so he's probably gonna skip town. So they have to fuck tonighttt.

G: Jamie keeps on calling him G-man throughout this episode, and I did find out that that meets "government man," and it's like, US slang. That's fun.

C: Oh. I didn't know that.

G: Anyway, we're outside, and there's a couple. They're making out. And it's like, the guy is like, trying to get it on while the girl is like, "Well, I don't wanna. I don't wanna." And she's saying that like, "Oh, what's that noise. It sounds like there's a werewolf outside." But the guy is like- ugh, he said something that I thought was so annoying, and by annoying, I mean, like, genuinely so terrible. He was like, "Oh, when like, a man like, doesn't get to fucking come or whatever, like, he becomes like, sick in the head and everywhere else." Fuck this guy.

C: Yeah. Yeah, no, this is- yeah. It's bad. It's very bad. I'm glad he dies. [laughs]

G: I literally am glad he dies. But yeah. The girl keeps on noticing that something's coming up, and then the noises start getting louder, and then the guy pulls away to say, "I have told you. There are no wolves in Pennsylvania!" [C laughs] and then, the moment he says that, a werewolf body reaches into the car, takes him out, and I guess, I don't know.

C: Tears him to pieces.

G: Eats him? Yeah.

C: Yeah. Also, I looked up the "there aren't any wolves in Pennsylvania" thing. There's a wolf sanctuary in Pennsylvania [G laughs]. I'm sure there are like, wild wolves, too. But I mean, this guy's full of shit, anyway, so I think that that was just another of his full-of-shit sentences. Yeah, and- the bit of the werewolf we see is just like, a human with claws, covered in like, fur. And okay, question. In the past, when we've seen shapeshifters, they've only taken the form of like, existing people, right? Like, can they actually turn into anything? Or like, do they need like, a bit of your DNA -

G: Yeah.

C: - or something? Okay, so they can turn into anything.

G: No, I think they need your DNA.

C: So how did this shapeshifter turn into a werewolf?

G: Actually, maybe they don't need the DNA. Maybe that's the guy who was like, doing the sleeping thing. The dream thing.

C: Oh, right right right. Yeah, Mia could turn into anyone if she had, like, a photograph?

G: Yeah yeah yeah. Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

C: Okay. Well, let's see. Supernatural Wiki says that shapeshifters are monsters that can take the form of any human being. This isn't a human being.

G: I mean, people have said this. People have said this before, but like, even the size difference. Like, you shift to a kid, to an adult. Like, where does the mass go or come from?

C: I don't know. Though I guess we learn later that the shifter like, has been using a lot of Party City props, so maybe they were like, fully just in a fursuit.

G: Exactly. Yeah.

C: Yeah. We have like, a scene where Sam and Dean are asking the girl, Anna-Marie, some questions. They have a comedy bit throughout the scene where she's like, got like, a slurpee that she's like, drinking very loudly from. Unsure why. And, you know, she explains that, you know, a werewolf came and tore boyfriend into pieces. And it's the same thing with Ed-

G: I understand that they're doing a comedy bit, but I was like- I don't know. I was annoyed at the levity that they were treating this tragedy [laughs] that happened to this woman. Yeah. But like, okay, fine, whatevs.

C: Yeah, they were laughing at her the whole scene.

G: Yeah. They are.

C: So, you know, Dean's like, "Can you describe the creature that got your boyfriend?" And, you know, just like with Ed, she goes like, "Oh. It was a werewolf. Like, yeah, it was a werewolf. It had a furry face and a black nose and claws, and [laughing] the torn-up pants and shirt." I did find the torn-up pants and shirt funny. And she says, "Like from the old movies," which is our first hint, sort of.

So Sam and Dean go to the morgue, and they're like, "This is fucking weird." And they get out Rick's body bag, and yeah, he really was just torn to pieces. There's just like, entrails and goop in there. And they notice that there's bite marks right down to the bone, but the heart is still there, so this isn't a werewolf the way they've encountered them before. And this also isn't like, a human killer dressed up as Dracula because of the bite marks. And the sheriff comes in and confirms that there were wolf hairs found on the body. So, you know, confusing shit.

G: Yeah. In this scene, Dean goes like, "I'm getting a headache," and then he raises his hand like, to his head as if he is getting a headache. And I was like, Oh, you can see his ring!" And you can.

C: Nice.

G: And then I looked down at my head to be like, "Oh. I have the same one. [C laughs] It's in the same finger." Whatever. [both laugh]

G: So Sam and Dean are back in the bar, and they're talking to each other about what's happening. You know, they're just having a regular conversation about the case. And Jamie walks in, gives them both a beer, and she acknowledges that they're staying because of the whole Rick situation, like, the guy who died via werewolf. Yeah. And she says like, "Oh, by the way, I get off at midnight tonight, so... I'll see you tonight." And yeah. Now they have a date.

C: In the background, we see Lucy doing her lipstick thing, and this is minute 14:28 at which I was like, "Oh, she's the monster."

Also, the whole time, Sam and Dean are like, joking about this case, which they do very often. But it's like, two people have died, and like, for an episode whose like, ending message is like, "Oh, it feels good to be hunting again, because we can help people," like, they sure do not seem to give a shit about helping people.

G: Yeah, they don't give a shit about anyone. Our next scene is inside of, I guess a museum, right? This is a museum. But it looks like a prison. There's there is a guard who's like, "Yeah, there's a ship-" he's on the phone, and he's talking to like, I guess, the head of the museum, like, "Why is there a delivery here? It looks Egyptian." And it's so funny because he's like- you see the sarcophagus that is in there, and it literally is like, fucking like, so dusty and everything. [laughs]

C: Yeah.

G: You know what I mean. So like, you see that, and I don't think you think, "Oh, this is a delivery for the museum," you know? And also, [overlapping] it's a museum of American history. Yeah. But, you know. You never know. So, he like, turns around for a bit while talking to- on the phone. And then the sarcophagus starts to open, and we see a mummy getting out of it. And then the guard turns around, sees this, and then he gets choked up against the wall. And this scene where he gets choked up against the wall, actually, you know what? I like it. Because you can see the way his tongue is like, choking him. It's cool.

C: Yeah. Right. Also, I did a quick research into how mummies became part of horror. So it seemed like earlier mummy fiction actually like, was like, they like, cast mummies as like, romantic figures.

G: Love that.

C: Probably like, because of Orientalism, though. [both laugh] Love that.

G: Wait, how does that work?

C: Like, you know- what do you mean "how does that work"?

G: How is it a romantic figure?

C: I don't know. Like, just like, I don't know, like, you dig them up, and they're like, a hot lady or something. [laughs] I don't know.

G: Oh.

C: Yeah. But then, apparently like, when like, Carter- Howard Carter found the tomb of King Tut, it was like, some financial backer of the expedition that got a mosquito bite that got infected, and then they died. And everyone was like-

G: "It's cursed!"

C: "It must be because of the evil Egyptian curses!" And then it seemed like, after that, to sell more papers, several newspapers took Egyptian writings and deliberately mistranslated them to make it seem like they were casting curses on people. So then Hollywood was like, "Oh, this is fun. Let's do horror about it." But yeah, I think all of it does definitely play into Orientalism.

G: So Sam and Dean are here, they're investigating, and Sam finds a sticker under the sarcophagus that says - what does it say? - "FX Shop Prophouse, Philadelphia." And Sam was like, "It's from a fucking prophouse!" and Dean is like [laughs], "Yeah. And there's also a bucket of dry ice inside to make, like, fake smoke," [C laughs] which I love and appreciate.

C: Yeah. That is really fun.

G: This guy said, "I'm gonna DIY everything here."

C: Yeah. But I'm not gonna bother taking the tag off.

G: Yeah. Don't give a shit. Yeah. And Sam's like, "Oh, what the fuck is going on?" And Dean is like, "I'm late for my date. So bye!"

C: "I don't care that a third person has died. Time to get it on."

G: Yeah, it's so- the levity that they treat every single death in this case? Astounding.

C: Yeah.

C: So we have Jamie, who is a woman alone at night, past midnight, standing outside in a town where three murders have occurred, because that's what people do. So, you know, it turns out Dean's like, too late, so she starts walking home. But then a fucking Dracula appears and is all like, [attempted Transylvanian accent] "Good evening." [G laughs] So-

G: Love that.

C: He starts following her and calling her Mina and saying that she's like, a reincarnation of his beloved. And she's fumbling in her purse, and then she gets out her pepper spray and gets him with it. And then, as soon as she gets him with it, like, he drops the accent, he drops like, the way of talking. He goes like, "Son of a-!" So, you know. We know that something's up there. And then Dean comes in and sees the situation and says like, "Son of a bitch." And Dracula like, says something about how "he shouldn't use such language in the presence of his bride." And then there's like, a brief fight scene where Dean yells at Jamie to run, and she does. Which I love. Like, literally, who give a shit. And at this point, Dracula calls Dean "Mr. Harker" and Jamie "Mina" again. And then more fighting. Dean manages to rip off Dracula's ear, but then Dracula escapes by jumping over a gate. [both laugh] And he gets on a motorcycle and drives away.

G: It's not just a motorcycle. It's like a Vespa. Or, I don't know. I don't know what it's called. It's like- moped. It says it's a moped. But like, it's like a small motorcycle. I don't know.

C: Yeah. He looks very fun.

G: I don't know anything about motorcycles. All I know about it is that the lesbians have motorcycles, and you know what? Good for them.

C: That's true. Good for them. It does make them hotter.

G: During like, pride in here, like in Manila, [laughs] there's always like, someone who's like, "Oh, the lesbians are here with their Mios" [both laugh] with, you know, Mio being like, a brand of motorcycle. And I love that.

C: Yeah, happy for them.

G: Jamie and Dean head to the bar to like, I don't know. Decompress. And Sam comes in, Dean shows him the ear and the belt, and he makes Sam feel up the ear. And at first I was like, "Is it silicon? Is that why?" But no, it's just- it feels like the shifter skin. Which, like, fascinating that they know what that feels like. Isn't it just the same? Don't you feel like it's just the same?

C: I don't know. Like, is it slimier or something?

G: Yeah, maybe. I have no idea. I don't recall them ever touching it directly.

C: Well, it was all over the place in 1.06. I'm sure they touched it at points.

G: Yeah, I suppose. Yeah. And the ribbon that Dean pulled out from the guy is also from the same prophouse. Yeah. And so now they've connected Dracula and the mummy, and, I guess, the wolf guy as well. And Jamie like, pops up and says like, "Oh, so you guys are like Mulder and Scully? Are the X-files real?" And Dean is like, [seriously] "No. The X-files is a TV show. This is real." [both] He's so annoying!

C: He's like, still trying to like, get it on. I feel like all of his sentences are like, "I'm so cool. Do you want to fuck me now, even though you almost get killed by a Dracula?"

G: I feel like this is the point where you're like, "You know what? Let's give it up." [C laughs] Like, the spark has died or whatever. Let's just stop now.

C: Now's just not the time! Let's move on!

G: It truly is not, yeah. And they figure out that he's trying to recreate everything, and Mina is someone from- is like the woman in the Dracula movies.

C: No, Lucy is the woman in the Dracula movies.

G: And Mina is the-

C: Jonathan's like, wife. I mean, both the monster in this episode and Sam seem to be going off of the movie version, where Dracula clearly like, often is portrayed as having, like, romantic and sexual inclinations towards Mina, but in the books, he only like, tries to turn her into a vampire and shit as revenge, for, like, her being part of the team trying to hunt him down

G: Fascinating. We have a Dracula expert in the house. [laughs] I'm sorry.

C: We have a person who read a Wikipedia page and a Reddit thread.

G: Which is honestly what you all- that's all you need to be an expert [both laugh] at this day and age. It's all you need. Yeah. Anyway, they figured out that like, this shifter has fixated on Jamie, so they're figuring out who can be that person. And Jamie says, "I don't know. I mean, maybe Ed because, like, he was here like, a month ago, and Lucy keeps on saying that he has a crush on me." And-

C: The most obvious red herring of all time.

G: Yeah. She tries to defend him and say that like, "Oh, he's, you know, he's a nice guy. I don't think he would." And then Sam and Dean are just like, [seriously] "No. [C laughs] He's the guy for sure." And the other red herring is that he works at an old movie theater so like, "Oh, he likes old movies." Whatever. Who give a shit. [laughs] And then Sam leaves, and Jamie and Dean are left alone. [C groans]

C: So they're talking a bit about the shapeshifter, and I was like, "This is a shifter episode. At what point do they reveal that Jamie is actually the shapeshifter?" But they don't do any of that, and I think that makes sense for the personality of the shifter in this episode. Like, there isn't really deception going on. Just theater. So, you know, she asks the thing that, like, every woman in every Supernatural episode asks. Like, I'm pretty sure Sarah said this exact same thing. Where she's like, "Oh, so this is what you do? Like, the two of you just go across the country on your own and fight horrible nightmares?"

G: It's so- It's so fucking unreal. Like, this is like, so fake. [C laughs] You know what I mean? If somebody tells me monsters are real, my knee-jerk reaction wouldn't be "Oh my god! How about you? [C laughs] What's your life story?"

C: Yeah. I'd be like, "What the fuck? Are there ghosts in my house? Am I gonna die?"

G: It's just so unrealistic, and the whole like, she's like, "Oh, wow! Like, your life sucks."

C: "Oh, you're so lonely. What if I make it better by letting you fuck my tits, baby?" Like, what is happening?

G: First of all, like, telling someone that they're lonely- I mean, you know how I feel about this. It's such an impolite thing to do. [C laughs] Do not tell people how they should feel about their life. Yeah, like, it's such an unrealistic conversation. And I hated every second of it.

C: Yeah. So Dean's doing the posturing thing where he's like, "Yeah we do. Isn't that so cool? Aren't I so cool? Don't you want me so bad?" But, you know, she goes like, "No, actually, that must suck, like, 'cause you're giving up a life for this terrible responsibility."

G: [laughing] Who give a shit?

C: Yeah.

G: I'm so upset that they characterize Jamie like this. Let Jamie be a person!

C: Yeah. And like, Dean's face falls- Yeah, like, I take back everything I said about Sarah therapizing Sam in "Provenance," because at least in that, like, part of it was about her mom's death, so she had, like, skin in the game, like, there was some kind of a development of her character through that conversation. We don't know a single fucking thing about Jamie. Like, nothing. Nothing at all. She is literally just here to therapize Dean, and then later she like, gets to therapize Dracula a little bit too before she kills him. So sick and tired.

So Dean says like, [mocking voice] "Oh, you know, like, a few years ago I did start thinking that this was a terrible responsibility. But then I had like, a near death experience, and like, ever since then, I've realized that I help people. Which is why I've been making fun of every death that's happened in this town so far, and skipping out on the case to have sex. I don't just help them. I save them." I'm fucking sick of him. I hope he dies. Put him back in the ground. He calls it "awesome," and then he says that he feels like it's a mission from God, which I think is such bullshit, because, like, every time he's talked to Cas- Okay, well, actually, I take it back. In like, 4.02, Cas is like, "Who give a shit about hunters, who give a shit about saving people, whatever." But then in 4.03, I guess Cas is the one who's saying like, "Don't you care about saving people?" So I guess Dean could sort of read that as like, God being pro-hunting, but like, that's a long stretch. I don't actually believe that he believes that he's on a mission from God. There's nothing in the past to like, at all support that.

G: Also, the only also the only reason why they put this line here is so that the next line can make sense.

C: Yeah. [laughs]

G: Ben Edlund thought of a conclusion to the scene, and he was like, "Well, how do we get to the conclusion?" It's so annoying.

C: Yeah. And- yeah, yeah. So, you know, Jamie, because she's not a person, goes like, "So that does that make you like, some kind of monk? Like, celibate?" Even though Dean's been like, every second he's seen her, he's been going "Why don't I put my dick in you right now, please please please please?" She still says that line. But I guess it's like, a flirty line or something. And Dean's like, "Man, I hope not." And they start making out. But then the lights turn on. Thank god. And Lucy is there. And, you know, she's like, "Oh my god! Like, sorry for interrupting you." She says that she came back to get a bottle of alcohol,for like, a date back at hers. But Jamie's like, "No, it's been a crazy night. Please stay for a drink." And then Dean makes a face, and I couldn't tell if it was like, a "stop interrupting my hookup" or like, "ooh, chance at a threesome" face. What did you think it was?

G: No, it was an annoyed face.

C: Okay. Then yeah, he's like, annoyed. And he was like, "Yeah, fine. You can stay for a drink."

G: And Sam is in the movie theater, and Phantom of the Opera is showing, except it's not because inside, there's just a guy, and he's just playing the piano. And Sam like, creepy-crawlies towards the guy, and then the guy figures out that someone's behind him. He turns around, and is like, "Ahh!" and Sam just points his gun at the guy.

C: Yup. Yeah.

G: He's like, [dramatically] "You know what you did." And Sam's like, trying to grab his ear.

C: Yeah.

G: And at some point, you know, the ear just stays there, doesn't come off. And Sam says, "It's supposed to come off," and Ed says, "No, it's not!" And I love that. And then Sam has this like, super apologetic look in his face. Like, the same one that he had-

C: In "Sin City."

G: - that he shot those guys with the-

C: Holy water?

G: What did he shoot them with? He shoot them with the holy water, right? Which is a funny-

C: Well, I think he had a loaded gun, and then he splashed them with holy water.

G: Yeah, I think so. But this guy, he just pointed like, a silver bullet to this guy, just because.

C: It was funny in "Sin City" because, like, there were two guys there, and they weren't that afraid of Sam, I feel like. They were just like, "Oh, you're robbing us. Wait, we're calling the cops." But like, here, with Ed, it's just like, "Ugh. This sucks."

C: So back at the bar, Jamie is clearly way more intoxicated than she was earlier, and Lucy does her napkin thing again, and they're sort of telling the story of what happened. But then Jamie starts passing out, and Dean finds that his vision is also swimming while Lucy is staying like, completely sober. So he realizes, "Oh, she's poisoned us somehow." And he punches her, and she falls over and like, her jaw sort of like, dislocates in a way. And then she like, shoves it back into place-

G: She relocates it. [both laugh]

C: Yeah. Right, which is like, "Oh, she's a shapeshifter for real." And Dean tries to attack her again with a bottle, but then he passes out, and then we get a shot like, from the ground up where Lucy stands over him and says, "And.. scene." and then stomps on him. So true.

G: Love that!

C: Yeah. So Dean wakes up in like, a lair. He's strapped to- whatever you called it. The transcript is calling it an upright table. And also, like, they've put him in-

G: He's wearing- yeah-

C: - like, an Oktoberfest-

G: German boy outfit. [both laugh]

C: Yeah, like, little German boy who gives into the cave of blüntensmoken. [G laughs] What was the point of that? I love it, but like, why?

G: What? Putting Dean in the blüntsmoken outfit?

C: Yeah. Like, it's not part of a movie script. Like, it's not like Jonathan Harker was running around in his blüntsmoken outfit. I don't think he's German.

G: You know what? It's fine. Like, it's really funny, and like, they do a thing later where Sam's like, "What the fuck are you wearing?" You know, it's fun.

C: It's fun.

G: This is like, the better part of the episode. [both laugh] Dean wearing this. Yeah. Just him being in a little German boy outfit.

C: Good for him. So he sees that there's like, a portrait inside this lair of a woman who looks kinda like Lucy. So Dracula shows up and says that he, like, took her form after the actress who played like, the third bride in one of the- in the first Dracula movie. And he used her to like, look among the humans for his reborn bride or whatever. And Dean's like, "Oh, okay, so like, you actually believe that you're Dracula or something. Like, what the hell was up with the mummy, then?" And Dracula says, like, "I am all monsters." And yeah, Dean says, you know, "Life isn't a movie," and the Dracula says like, "Well, life sucks, and it's small, meager, and messy. And the movies are grand, simple, and elegant. So I choose that." And he says that like, of course he had to do murder, because that's the genre. It's a monster movie. But unlike most monster movies, it's going to end with him getting the girl and electrocuting the hero. And I did think that after the scene, he was gonna take Dean's form, but again, like, it makes sense. Like, it's not his style to do that. So he doesn't.

So there's like, this big comedy lever on the wall to electrocute Dean in his like, upright table thing. But before Dracula gets the chance to do that, the doorbell rings, and he, like, leaves the lair. And like, turns out he just lives in a nice suburban house, and he just built this somehow. On what budget?

He opens the door, and there's a pizza delivery boy. And, you know, he's like, doing his funny Dracula thing, and he's like, "Thanks for bringing like, a repast. If you continue to be of such service, your life will be spared." And Dracula does a thing where he's like, "Tell me, is there any... garlic on this pizza?" And, you know, the guys like, "No." [G laughs] And it ends with him asking for the payment, and Dracula going like, "Of course, yes. But I have... a coupon." Which I do think was funny.

G: I thought that was funny.

C: I did enjoy that part.

G: I did think it was funny. Yeah.

G: And, you know, Sam goes back to the bar and notices that Dean and Jamie are not there, and he's like, "Okay, I'm gonna call Dean," and he leaves a voicemail saying that, you know, he knows that Dean left with Jamie, but it's not the guy, so they're gonna figure out who the guy is. And then he notices the bottle on the floor, the the empty seats, and he notices the napkin with the blotted lipstick on it. And, you know, one way to know that you have never worn makeup or consumed makeup content is the fact that you don't know the word for "blot." [both laugh] Like, you don't know that that's what it's called, like, blotting your lipstick. I thought that was very funny that every single time you said it, I was like, "Aw, Crystal has never watched a beauty tutorial in any way, shape, or form."

C: I'm not- Wait, so what's the blotting for? Like, to reduce the intensity of the color?

G: It's like- No, no, no. It's just to remove, like, the excess so that it stays like, matte for longer and it doesn't displace as much. So if you're like, drinking, for example, on a cup or a mug, doesn't transfer to the mug.

C: Okay. Got it. Cool. Thank you for this educational opportunity.

G: Yeah. I don't use it anymore because I'm like, not a lipstick person anymore, which is very sad because I used to be the person who like, wears black lipstick to school. [laughs]

C: Nice.

G: Yeah. But now, alas, it is not the vibe.

Well, Sam figures out that it's Lucy because of the lipstick blot napkin, and we go to Dracula's lair. And Jamie is like, in a bed, and she is in a room that's very, you know. It looks like she's in a castle type situation. And Dracula is like, "You're awake. The gown... wear it." And Jamie is like, "What the fuck is happening? What did you do with Dean?" And he keeps on saying like, "Put on the gown, we have pizza." And Jamie starts the whole, like, "What is wrong with you?" And like, "You made up Lucy. You pretended to be my friend." She like, starts saying that "You could have just talked to me, but you have become this, like, what's wrong with you." And she says, like, "I don't want to play your game. I just want to go home." And then Dracula just yells, like, "Put on the gown." And she does.

Sam is like, outside, and he's entering at this point.

C: We're like, back to Jamie wearing the gown, and she's like, quite afraid at this point. Like, the Dracula starts- he starts looking regretful and shit. And he drops the accent. He's like, talking in like, a normal guy voice. [G laughs]

G: Well, normal American guy voice.

C: By which I mean, an American guy voice, yeah. I guess by normal, I mean he sounds very like, everyman like, Midwestern- or I don't even- I don't think Midwestern is actually the accent, but like, it's like, an American accent that I can't quite place, and it's very like, I don't know, just-some-guy-ish.

G: Yeah, I get what you mean. Like, it sounds like a generic American accent.

C: Right, yeah.

G: Like, the type that you can't even put the location on, like, a specific state or whatever.

C: Right, like British people doing American accents in movies and stuff. So-

G: Yeah. He's on that Tom Wambsgans beat. [C laughing]

C: Yeah. So he says something about how like, "Oh, I'm sorry for scaring you. You're the only one I don't want to scare." And then he goes like, "You know, I used to love the movies." And Jamie says like, "You can't make the movies real." And he like, gives a speech that's like, supposed to be touching but like, doesn't really get there from me at all. Where he goes like, "Real is being born this way. Different. Real is having your dad call you monster. It's the first time you hear the word. And he tries to beat you to death with a shovel-" which, that part does suck pretty bad. And he says that he like, tried to run and hide, but like, no matter what, he was found out and attacked and called a freak and a monster. But then he like, found monster movies, and saw how like, in their movies, the monsters were strong and feared and beautiful. Like, okay. Like, shapeshifting is like, genetic, right?

G: Yeah. Maybe he got it from his mother.

C: From his mother, yes, but like- I guess maybe, like, if his mom was like, a cis woman and his dad's a cis man, then, like, I guess maybe he could have knocked her up, and then she like, went and like, left him. I just don't see how they could be in a committed relationship for like, the nine months of pregnancy without him knowing that she was a shapeshifter, you know?

G: Yeah.

C: So yeah, it's some kind of a complicated situation.

G: Yeah. Do you think there's like, a queer allegory to look into this?

C: Probably?

G: When he was saying this, I thought about this- I don't even recall who said it. But like, somebody saying like, the reason why queer people love horror movies is that, you know, there is this aspect of like, alienation to the queer experience, and it's like, "There's relatability here" and blah blah blah blah blah. I'm sure many scholars have looked into it. The queerness of horror.

C: Yeah, probably.

G: I unfortunately do not frequent like, going into Google Scholar for media analysis anymore. But yeah.

C: Yeah. I think that there could definitely be a queer reading of this, but I feel like they definitely write this character as very much like, a cishet man despite him taking Lucy's form at some points.

G: Yeah. It's like, yeah, fascinating to me that, like, when I was watching this scene, I was like, "Okay, sure. If they kill this monster at the end of this, it would be absolutely hilarious, though." [both laughing] And then they did! They literally did.

C: And they did! Right. Yeah. I guess the thing that I find most interesting about this speech, it's like, okay, in our other shapeshifter- our other main shapeshifter episode, "Skin," like, we basically have the same thing where like, the shifter has a woman like, tied up, trapped, and then, like, is like, doing like, a sympathy speech. But like it's like, I feel like what we're supposed to get from that, like, what the Supernatural writers want us to feel is sympathy for that specific character. Like, I don't feel sympathy for this specific character. But what this speech does make very clear is that, like, there are some monsters in Supernatural that, like, they've written to have a biological need to kill people to eat, or because they just are innately violent, whereas like, shapeshifters very clearly-

G: Yeah.

C: - like, it's just socialization that does it. It's just like, them being cast out from society that causes them to kill people. They're just like, regular guys with an extra power that makes it easier for them to murder. So that's that's interesting enough. And, I don't know, I've been listening to a fiction podcast called Monstrous Agonies, which is like, the format of it is that it's like, an advice show for creatures of the night, and it's set in a world where, like, monsters used to be like, hunted and oppressed, but now they're like, a protected minority class, and have been like, incorporated into like, outside society. And it does like, make me sad when I watch Supernatural and see shit like this because it's like, if they didn't keep shapeshifters shit secret, because, like, "Oh, we're hunters, and we can't let like, civilians deal with the fear or whatever," like, this guy would probably be fine. Like, all of them would probably be fine.

Yeah. So, and then because Jamie is not a person and she's just here to make men feel better, she goes like, "Oh, wow, that sounds lonely."

G: No, I don't think it's- I don't think that's the vibe. I think she was like, angrily, like, being like, "Oh, yeah, you're commanding and terrifying? Well, you're also lonely. So fuck off."

C: Yeah, I guess. But she's also here to be the audience to his sympathy ploy-

G: She is.

C: - which is quite annoying. And he's like, "Well, but now I have you." And, you know, she goes like, "Ever think that maybe you're lonely because you kill people?" And then we have an absolute clunker of a line where he goes, "Or I kill people because I'm lonely." But because that's the line that we end this scene on, like, that's what the writers want us to think, right? Even though it's a total clunker of a line. Which makes him being killed right after this quite confusing ideologically. [G laughs]

G: Yeah. I mean, there- let's get into it when he dies. But I have some thoughts, yeah.

C: Okay. And then we hear a sound, and, you know, Jamie starts going like, "Dean! Dean! Like, come, rescue me," blah blah blah. And then he like, hits her over the head to knock her out, which feels very "Metamorphosis" to me the way it was like, Jack, like, had a conscience and was holding back, but then, like, in the last second, he was like, trying to eat Dean, so that gave Sam an excuse to like, jump in and kill Jack, and like, "No matter what, all monsters are the same, and like, they'll eventually give into their nature" or whatever.

G: What's fascinating is that they also show him doing this and then exhibiting like, remorse on his demeanor.

C: Yeah, right after, he goes like, "Oh, shit, I- ugh." So yeah. At least there's that, I guess.

G: Yeah. And so Sam finds Dean in the dungeon. He unties him, and then like, jokes about his outfit, and Dean's like, "Shut the fuck up!" And they enter, like, further into the set. They find the bedroom.

C: A fun set detail is that one of the doors that they open, it looks like a double door with like, you know, those iron circular knockers-

G: - But it's just a single door.

C: It just has one hinge. Like, he just like, carved it like that to make it look cool.

G: Yeah, I love that. Sam comes in first and then attracts the Dracula, and Dean comes in and then attacks him. And then I don't know. Like, there's a gun somewhere. Dean tries to reach it, but it doesn't happen, and then eventually, the Dracula gets shot by the silver bullets in the chest. And he turns around, and it's Jamie.

C: Yeah.

G: And, like, at least it's Jamie. [both laugh]

C: Yeah, at least.

G: At least it's Jamie.

C: Yeah, she has full rights to do this.

G: Yeah, and like, the shape- the shifter was like, "Wow, it was beauty who killed the beast." And he goes into like, a little monologue where he's like, "No, Mina, do not weep. Perhaps this is how the movie should end." And this entire time-

C: Yeah, but the funny thing is after "Do not weep," Jamie makes a "What the fuck? I'm not gonna weep." face [both laugh], which I did find really funny.

G: Yeah. And it's a funny death scene in that he like, emotes throughout it where he's like, walking backwards to a chair, and then he falls into the chair, and he, like, dies in the old movie way, you know. And when this did happen, I was like, "Well, at least it was a death in his own terms." Like, even in his dying, he was like, "Well, it's like, this is how the movie should go." Or I don't know. I was just thinking like, at least it wasn't a death that was- Like, I understand that the guy's a monster and like, killed several people [C laughs], but it's just completely fascinating what they do.

C: Yeah.

G: Like, "Have empathy for this guy, but not too much! And don't think about the other monsters who did not kill people and are still hunted down and persecuted. Don't think about them too much."

C: Right.

G: It's just a lot for an episode that is pretty much a throwaway episode.

C: Yeah. And I don't know, it's just the idea that, like, you're completely beyond rehabilitation if you kill someone? Like, I don't think he wants to kill any more people. Like, he probably wouldn't if you got him some support. But like, nah. Sorry dude.

G: Yeah.

C: And then we cut directly to a Dean and Jamie make out.

G: They're making and Jamie is like- they're still flirting. And Sam is just on the side [C laughs], like, trying not to watch. And yeah, it's like, this entire situation where they say goodbye, and then Jamie just, you know, as a final way to move on the emotional thesis of the episode, goes, "You guys saved my life, you know? So thanks." And then leaves. And that's the last-

C: She's the one who shot! They didn't do jack shit besides provide a gun.

G: Yeah. And then Sam and Dean are like, "Wow. It feels good, right? [C screams] Like, saving people, like, this happy ending. Hero gets the girl, monsters die." And he said, like, "The shifter had a point. It would be nice if life was a simple movie."

C: Yeah. And also-

G: And like, I don't know. Wild.

C: Fucking annoying as shit.

G: Ah!

C: The fact that they bothered to like, have the whole like, "feel some sympathy for this guy" scene, and then, immediately after, they were like, "There was no moral grayness here whatsoever. This is so good. Yay. And also, we definitely care about saving people, and that's what we do things for, even though we clearly did not care at all this entire episode." Also, it's like, you know, we've talked about like, the ickiness of like, them hooking up with-

G: Yes.

C: - the damsels in distress of the episode. And I was like, "Okay, for this episode, it's not that bad, because at least they were like, attracted to each other before that." But the fact that it ends with Jamie being like, "Thanks for saving my life"-

G: Yeah.

C: - does make it seem like when they finally did fuck - which I guess did happen because Dean calls it a "happy ending with a happy ending," meaning he's orgasmed at some point - it was like, in the context of like, "You saved me from being raped by that monster, so now I'm going to fuck you." And that sucks.

G: Well, I mean, that's pretty much it.

C: Wait. We need to talk about how Dean's ideal movie life is Porky's II.

G: I have no idea what that is.

C: So Porky's I is a sex comedy set in high school that involves, like- I don't know. There's a scene where, like, a teacher tries to yank a student's dick off or something? But I think Porky's I is best known for a scene where the boys are spying on the girls in the showers, and, like, the actors, who I'm assuming are all adults, are like, shown like, nude and shit, and like, it's considered like, a sexual awakening dirty scene for like, people back in the day or something. Porky's II is a little more- I don't really know what Dean likes about it. [G laughs] The plot of it is that the same high school students are trying to put on Romeo and Juliet, but then, like, there's a church group that's against it because, like, they think that Shakespeare is like, indecent.

G: Of the devil?

C: Yeah. And then they get the fucking KKK to back them up because the actors, like, the actor for Romeo is Native and the actor for Juliet is a white girl. And then, like, the rest of the movie, is like, them, like, trying to take down the County Commissioner who's trying to take down their play by like, proving that, like, he and the other council members watched fucked-up porn in their meetings. [G laughs]

G: What is going on?

C: And also like, one of them, who's like, a high schooler like, agrees to go on a date with him because he keeps pursuing her, but like, she does it to like, ruin his reputation before the re-election by like yelling like, "Hi, everyone! I'm 17. I'm going on a date with County Commissioner Name, and also, he knocked me up." and saying shit like that. And like, it ends with like, them being able to put on the play, and like, also, like, a bunch of Native people like, viewing the play, and then, like, a Jewish character like, shaving the heads of all the KKK? And like, that's the movie- I don't really know what the appeal for Dean is here. [G laughs] Like, I know what the appeal of Porky's I is to Dean because he's a creep. I don't know what the fuck Porky's II is doing for him.

G: Well.

C: He's just an ally. It's just that he wants- he wants to be in a movie about being an ally.

G: He literally is.

C: Yeah.

Right, okay, one thing that I did like about this final scene is like, Dean going like, "Oh, you'll never be able to guess what movie I want my life to be." And Sam's like, "Yeah, I can. Yeah, I can." And then he eventually guesses right. And like, I think that is nice as part of the collection of like, ways that Sam and Dean do know each other and ways that they don't know each other.

G: Yeah.

C: Yeah. But unfortunately, it's this. [G laughs]

G: Okay, so, I mean, what are your thoughts for the general episode? I mean, it's whatevs.

C: It's- yeah. [G laughs] They sure tried to do the opposite of what themes and motifs are. [G laughing]

G: They literally- Well, what is our Best Line and Worst Line? For me, my worst line is probably the bar wench line. I just hate it.

C: Yeah, yeah, that fucking annoyed me. Anything that involves Dean and Jamie flirting, bad. Did not like it.

G: I would say I also- what's my best line? Well.

C: Like, I know there is a scene that they want us to give the best line award to, but like, I don't-

G: I like the "I have a coupon." [C laughing]

C: That's what I was thinking.

G: I actually did laugh at that line. That one's very funny.

C: I was thinking the "I have a coupon" or the part where she says that the werewolf has torn-up shirt and pants on. [G laughs] I thought that both of those things were very funny.

G: Yeah. Well, what's our next segment?

C: Spreadsheet.

G: Spreadsheet, right?

C: Well, there sure was a misogyny. Maybe multiple misogynies.

G: I would say the misogyny actually exceeds 2 this episode.

C: Yeah, I would say it is probably a 3.

G: Yeah.

C: Yeah. What the fuck was going on there?

G: And then racism. You know? I don't know. I don't think there's racism or homophobia here.

C: Yeah, I don't remember any racism more homophobia.

G: Yeah.

C: It like, flirts at racism with Porky's II and the mummy, but it just doesn't feel like enough for anything. So yeah.

G: Yeah.

C: Well.

G: Slaycation!

C: There we go.

G: Well, what is our-

C: IMDb.

G: - guess for IMDb.

C: I feel like people would find this episode generally amusing. Like, what did "Tall Tales" get? Like, I'd probably take whatever "Tall Tales" got and then subtract like, 0.2 or 0.3. [typing] "Tall Tales" was 2... 2 what?

G: "Tall Tales" was a 9.1.

C: Oh. Okay.

G: That is definitely not real.

C: I guess I'll guess a fucking 8...8?

G: 8.8?

C: That's definitely too high, but I already said it, I already said it, so it's too late.

G: You know what? I'm thinking a- well, an 8.1.

C: Okay.

G: Okay. Let's see. Oh! It's an 8.4.

C: Okay. So like, midway between ours, but slightly closer to yours.

G: Yeah.

C: Congrats.

G: Let's see the reviews. "It's a brilliant homage," "all time great episode," "one of my favorite monsters," "a high water mark."

C: Okay, where are the negative ones?

G: Where are the negative ones? There's "too old, too cold." "The opening scene of Supernatural Season 4 raised it to a whole new level. The second added missing details to the show's mythology. The third one was a great monster of the week episode. And then, like, this one is just a weird one that is completely irrelevant to the myth arc."

C: Oh, you said the show's mythology. I heard "the show's misogyny." [G laughs]

G: "Second, it's an homage to a parody of classic back and white universal monster movies, and it's just bad. Third, the pacing is slow." Yeah, I agree.

C: There's one with 1 out of 10, titled "please don't ruin the show." They called it- they said it "violated" Supernatural with a "stupid, dumb, and mostly irrelevant episode." There's three 1 out of 10 ones

G: "Literally the worst episode of Supernatural. If I could go back and never start watching this episode, I would." [both laughing] Love that!

C: God, so true.

This- one of these reviews says that "It's also genuinely funny, and the lead character Dean isn't as eye-rolling dorky Casanova as he tends to be in other episodes. His womanizing is, well, let's just say he's kind of cute and earnest this time around." No he's not!! Shut up!!

G: He literally is not. I think the only time he was cute and earnest was in like, [both] "Hollywood Babylon." And that was a solid two seasons ago.

C: [laughs] Yeah.

G: Okay. I think that's it for this episode of Busty Asian Beauties. Next week, [laughs] we will be discussing Season 4, Episode 6: "Yellow Fever."

C: What a great title. Wow. [G laughs]

G: You know what? It's the first Andrew Dabb episode.

C: Oh no. Isn't that the episode- didn't Eric Kripke apologize for this episode? [G screams] He was like, "I'm sorry! Dean would actually never do that. He's a hero!" I have no clue what happens in this episode. I'm looking forward to whatever Dean did that was so bad that Eric Kripke apologized for it.

G: Yeah. I mean, yeah. Leave us a rating or a review wherever you get your podcasts. C: Follow us on social media! We are on twitter at twitter.com/BeautiesPodcast and on Tumblr at bustyasianbeautiespod.tumblr.com. Our official tag is #BABPod, B-A-B-POD. Thanks to everyone who's donated to our Ko-Fi at ko-fi.com/bustyasianbeautiespod, and check out our merch at babpod.redbubble.com. G: Yes. I don't know what comes next-

C: You can email us any feedback, comments, or inquiries?

G: Email us. Yeah! Email us at [email protected]. See you guys next time! [both] Bye!

[guitar music]

#transcript

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clanoffelidae · 1 year

Text

bleh

trying to tell myself that this is the heaviest time of year at work, im very much still recovering from covid, im still hurt by what happened back in early december and having difficulty re-engaging with previous past times because of the associations, and am also currently trying to help a disabled friend get out of his abusive home, find a doctor who can help him, and figure out how he can sustain himself financially long-term in a way that won't make everything worse in the long run by exceeding his limitations; so it's okay that i'm not doing a whole lot of 'fun' things or being super productive, i don't have to be to begin with, but i'm still feeling pretty down at times

i think by and large i'm mostly lonely; while i see people every day at work we're all stressed to hell and back, i retreated from several social circles when the whole deal went down in early december because it was all just constant reminders of what was hurting me (which was absolutely the right call, but the end result was also that, well, now i don't talk to as many people any more :/), and hit me so bad that i really should have gone to the hospital so i've just been too tired to socialize with people both irl and online but unfortunately human brains are stupid and still demand a level of socializing and make you feel bad when you don't get it even when putting in the effort to get it would cause greater overall suffering due to physical and mental stress (i've had like maybe half a spoon since i started feeling really sick around december 22nd-23rd)

i dunno, just externalizing it, if you happen to read this it's probably cause you follow me and so by now you are probably well aware that i do that a lot lol

idk writing in a journal or personal notepad doesn't really help as much, i try to bury these types of posts a lot by not tagging them and putting them under readmores in the hopes that they'll go largely unnoticed, but i need the façade of putting it out there and making it 'public' or else it still circles to an extent; i have to at least be able to pretend i'm saying it to other people to get it out best and unfortunately i haven't been able to cognitive dissonance myself well enough for truly private rambles to help

so like i dunno, if you're reading this don't feel like this is a cry for help or really saying anything, i'm just trying to process how i feel and externalize it in the hopes the bad vibes will ease up a bit

and what sucks even more is that now i feel the need to say that haha; because what hurt me so bad back in december was that two instances of me just posting things on my blog to externalize them, untagged (tagged with commentary but not tagged to be searchable) and hidden under readmores that were just me trying to get negative feelings out in as privately a way as i could while still saying them 'publicly' because my brain is stupid and needs to at least be able to pretend it's being said to other people, were taken and used to call me immature and untrustworthy, i was given no chance to defend myself or even ask questions until i went and tracked someone else down to ask if i could ask questions, no one ever reached out to me and asked about the posts before going ahead and leveling accusations at me (and i know the posts had to go through at least four people's hands and two levels of hierarchy), not once did anyone try to inquire about these non-specific and untagged posts to see if they had the story right, and while during the subsequent conversation one of them was cleared up and apologized for (which i greatly appreciate!) not a single thing was said about the other and the second post had been me venting irrational anxieties about encountering a specific individual who had previously hurt me and when i requested that they (people who used that post to accuse me) not do that to someone again as far as i can tell i was pretty much just brushed off

like if just one person had messaged me and said they were concerned about the posts or wanted to talk to me about them i would've been happy to clear things up right there on the spot

and now i can't even make an anonymous post on my anonymous tumblr blog about the fact that i'm feeling a little down without feeling the need to defend myself for doing so because the last time i did this it was -gestures irritably and exhaustedly to text wall above-

just sucks y'all, idk

at every possible point in that situation i tried to communicate with people when it was clear there was something to communicate about, beyond that i was just externalizing feelings and attempting to make sure they were out of the way and not bothering anyone, you don't get to come in here and demand that i should have taken my vent post about completely irrational anxieties relating to an individual who has harmed me previously to you, complete strangers, instead of just non-specifically venting it and burying it because it's irrational worry and i knew that and was just trying to get it out of my head; especially when you never tried to communicate your concerns to me, as far as i knew we had resolved everything because everything had been cleared up and everyone said it was fine, the sheer hypocrisy and audacity of demanding that i bring my personal trauma and anxiety to complete fucking strangers when said strangers couldn't even be bothered to send me a single damn message related to their own concerns after, again, we had seemingly cleared everything up and everything had been smoothed over because clarifications were made and everyone said it was cool, and then i got taken by complete surprise and felt the damn floor fall away from me after an hour or two once it fully sunk in that the fucking intrusive thoughts i was trying to cope with were used as a weapon against me

like fucking thanks they were already causing me enough difficulty on their own, didn't know they could be weaponized even further, now i know i guess

'but how could anyone have known that-?' maybe if they'd fucking asked me, at literally any point, instead of taking non-specific words from a complete stranger that were not directed at anyone and deciding what they meant in their own heads

but to do a complete tonal whiplash as is my specialty i am well and truly still upset about that and still working on it (emotional processing and recovery was halted by a blast door upon contracting covid wherein i transitioned from fighting a painful emotional situation to fighting for my damn life lol), slowly picking up steam again on working through it and dragging things up back out from where they got hurriedly buried because i had other priorities like trying to continue breathing to sort through them, but as awful as it was the statements of 'i hate that this happened and am extremely hurt by it and am still processing it' and 'if this situation hadn't happened i could've well died or at the very least wound up on a ventilator and with severe lung and probably heart damage from covid so i am simultaneously extremely grateful it happened because i love living and being alive' are not mutually exclusive <3

'lynx what the FUCK do you mean it stopped you from dying or at the very least ending up on a ventilator from covid'

part of the reason the situation was so hard on me was that i had inadvertently entered withdrawal from my adhd meds, an amphetamine, and the situation resulted in that withdrawal going on for much longer than it should have (and may have sort of been the reason it started because i wound up staying up late because i was so excited due to stuff related to the situation before it went to shit and as a result overslept and missed my meds for 2 days in a row and thus started me into withdrawal); it left me struggling to stand and trembling and with a persistent headache and too weak to do much other than stumble to the kitchen for 2 minutes and then stumble back to bed

what this means: i was in severe physical distress due to amphetamine withdrawal BUT i also built up an extra stockpile of the meds i failed to take

i shortly after went up to a higher dose of my meds

i barely had enough to get me through covid

if all of this hadn't happened i would have gone into amphetamine withdrawal from an even HIGHER dose of a medication which left me struggling to stand, extremely weak, and in pain when i went into withdrawal the first time; while being sick with covid that got so severe already that i could feel stuff rattling in my chest with every breath that i was too weak to cough out, i was unable to do more than take extremely shallow breaths because the lower parts of my lungs were gummed up, and i was having to breathe at about 35-40 breaths a minute while lying down resting because if i tried to slow or deepen my breathing at all i would become dizzy from oxygen deprivation

yeah anyway the situation sucks and im still very much working on the emotional hardship it caused and figuring out what to do but on the other hand i am simultaneously extraordinarily grateful for it because whatever benevolent but chaotic entity sets up the rube goldberg machine that is my life (this is NOT the first time something like this has happened, another good example im not going to get into the details of rn is 2 months of extremely painful ear infections saved me from a therapy bill) made sure i wouldn't die or at the very least end up on a ventilator with severe lung and probably heart damage from covid 👍

and ive got that other stuff going on like i mentioned at the beginning but that's way too much an on-going thing for me to have more thoughts than 'hnnng why can't i just kidnap friend' F lol

just venting and then felt it apt to ensure the tonal whiplash of my life hits as many people as possible because if you started reading that upset vent you gotta know what happened a few weeks later because buddy. ah.

anyway living and being alive is great, i have seen the face of death before and while it has left me a much wiser and more peaceful person in the aftermath (honestly i know it doesn't seem like it from my vent posts but that's because i have chronic can't shut up disease but at the end of it all i really only give a shit because i know that what happens to me can happen to others, if this had been something like 'yeah i got attacked by a rabid dog but it was euthanized and im getting treatment for it 's all good' you would've heard way less about it lol, it's because this is a kind of situation that ripples if that makes sense?) i really was laying there christmas night realizing the probability of me not waking up again (which is never 0) had increased by a worryingly large percentage and looking at death who was vibing on top of my chest and making it hard to breathe like '... i'm going to sleep and you better piss off while i'm in dreamland'

(not literally i mean this in a metaphorical sense)

at this rate i'm gonna have to start asking how the kids are lol

mfer's quiet tho like damn okay i'm not worth a reply i'll just go fuck myself then lol

(again, still being metaphorical here; it's one of those things where if you don't get it just let it go and if you get it you get it and also i'm so sorry do you want to talk /srs)

#this got longer than anticipated lol #feel better now tho so mission accomplished #maybe next time i can bring memes i have a few starting to bump around in my head like a window's screensaver

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miekasa · 3 years

Note

speaking of college boys, what do the college au aot babies study??

Okay, okay, I think I’ve talked about this in an ask before but I can’t find it 😭😭 but it’s okay, I love college aus, so I’ll talk about it again! Plus, now I’ve got more thoughts for more characters, so here we go

Levi — neuroscience and psychology of human behavior

He started out on track to do a bachelor of arts in psychology, but when they touched on the anatomy and biological parts of it during his first year lecture, he switched to a bachelor of science.

The focus is still psychology, but through a more clinical lens. Essentially, he gets the best of both worlds this way. He’s intuitive and analytical, so clinical and mental diagnosis is easy to dissect for him. He’s also canonically good at math, so the calculus and stats parts aren’t too bad, either.

This major also leaves him with a few options post-grad, which is a nice bonus for him. He’s likely going to medical school, but that’s not the only route open to him: law school, therapy, lab work, medicine and pharmacy, even teaching are all viable options without going to grad school.

Do not talk to him about Freud unless you wanna get punted off a building.

Be careful with him, because with a single glance he’s already got scarily accurate predictions about your parental and emotional attachment styles, your behavior in social settings, and the onset (or seemingly lack thereof) of your frontal lobe development.

He thinks he’s so smart making comments like, “I see those synaptic connections aren’t working so well for you today,” like mf come here let me lobotomize you and see how well your synaptic connects are working after that🙄

Eren — general health sciences

He’s interested in science and the discovery aspects of it, but picking a specific field of focus right now feels too final. He likes it this way, because his schedule and requirements are less restrictive, and he has more room to find out what really interests him.

He does best when he’s doing something he loves, so picking a major with a bunch of reqs that he couldn’t care less about would have sucked big time for him. It also would have affected his grades. There are still some classes he has to take that he’s not fond of (see: chemistry), but that’s to be expected. Science in general is cool to him and he hopes to make his own discovery some day, even if it’s microscopic.

He also plays a lot of sports, keeping his schedule flexible is important. The sports end up helping him excel academically, which is a nice bonus. Honestly, Eren uses his time at university to learn more about himself than anything, so having control and freedom to do what he likes the majority of the time was important to him.

He uses his elective credits to take philosophy or history courses of his interest, or maybe even a course that you’re in just to spend time with you. He also uses you as a live model for his homework bye, congrats on being patient number one to him.

Armin — astronomy and physics

He’s still interested in marine biology, but unless he attended a school near a coast, or with a specialized integrated program for that, it’s unlikely he’d major in it during undergrad.

Space and ocean exploration aren’t all that different. Both are vast, largely unexplored domains that reel-in Armin’s interest for discovery. So, while studying astronomy, he still gets to study evolution and make his own predictions about what could be out there because there’s so much to know.

Physics comes with the territory of learning about planetary science, and he’s mathematically inclined, so it works out for him. Learning about the different physical properties of other planets and space masses is honestly pretty sick to him. Because math isn’t a struggle, he actually considered aeronautical engineering, but he didn’t want to be a part of the college to military pipeline; that is, he didn’t want any potential design of his to be weaponized.

He still gets to study animal biology through his elective courses, and might even find a few focused on marine animals to satiate him. Plant and cell biology are also of interest to him, and are just further applications of his primary study anyway, so he’s got plenty of room to work with.

This boy is interning at NASA and still, with his whole chest out is like, “I don’t need to discover a new planet, you’re my whole world.” Armin, go check on the Mars rover or something please.

Mikasa — anthropology + minor in japanese language studies

Anthropology is virtually interdisciplinary in nature, and Mikasa is a pretty well rounded student, so she’s able to excel in a program like this. She gets to study history, science, cultural studies, and even a bit of art all at once.

She’s still debating between going to law school vs med school, so anthro this is a good in-betweener. She gets a taste of science through her anatomy and kin courses; and lots of practice with reading and dissecting texts through the historical and cultural lectures. So, when the time comes to decide, she’ll have some experience with both.

Don’t know whether it’s confirmed that she’s (part) Japanese or not, but either way I headcanon that she speaks/spoke some second language at home. She wanted to delve more into it, and courses were offered at the university so why not?

Cultural studies courses end up being her favorite. She likes learning about the history of people and their cultures, and it encourages her to learn more about her own family history and culture. It also propels her to apply for a study abroad opportunity, so she spends at least one semester doing an exchange program and absolutely loves it.

She would also encourage you to apply and go, too. You guys might not be in the same program, but if there’s an applicable program in the same country she’s going to, then she’d definitely want you to apply. Spending the semester away with you would be a dream come true.

Hange — bioengineering + minor in political philosophy and law

It’s almost self-sabotage to be in an engineering program and have a minor; the coursework for engineering alone is backbreaking, and bioengineering has the added weight of human intricacies, but of course Hange makes it possible.

They’re nothing short of a genius, so of course they have time to work a completely unrelated minor into their schedule. It doesn’t surprise anyone that they go on to complete an MD-PhD after undergrad. Insane.

Bioengineering is essentially the synthesis of chemical engineering and health sciences; Hange spends their time exploring biological sciences and applies the engineering aspects of their coursework to their understanding of (and interest in creating) medicine. Truly a one of a kind mind.

They also have an interest in philosophy and justice, so when they found out they only needed a measly nine or ten courses to minor in, they went for it, of course. In honesty, they don’t find the studies all that opposing: both law making and medicine making both have some kind of philosophy or method to them in their eyes.

Hange has... little to no free time pls. They don’t mind it, because they love their coursework, but this means you are essentially ducking into their labs or scrambling to find them in-between their classes during your time in undergrad. They appreciate every second spent with you tho, and will gladly rope you into long discussions about their work.

Jean — biochemistry + minor in art sustainability

He was undeclared his first year, and took a little bit of everything: art, science, history, anthropology, english. Basically, anything that fit into his schedule. It was hard for him to pick one thing—he liked the science and lab applications of STEM courses, but not the math; and the obvious painting and creativity of art, but hated the pretentious air about art history.

What he wants to do is make a difference, which is how he ends up knowing that he wants to go to med school after, so he picks a science-heavy major, but uses his elective spaces to take art courses. When he mixes the two, he ends up on sustainability—and the complexities about it that are applicable to both science and art are what really reels him in.

Interdisciplinary studies end up being his forte. He can approach sustainability from a science perspective which impacts his art style and materials; and tuning into his creative side allows him to think about science not just from a purely clinical perspective, but from a human one, too—patients are people after all.

He believes that everything is connected somehow, even things as seemingly opposite as art and biochemistry. And he works towards finding the unique intersection where everything overlaps. His studies are pretty cool, and he’s very passionate about them, so ask him about it 😌

The art he makes is pretty sick, too, and often commentary about science; he’s proving they’re not so opposite. You also heavily influence his studies in both areas: caring about you so much inspires him to take the healthcare focus seriously, and your very nature is inspiration to his art.

Sasha — nursing

She’s friendly and good at working with people, so nursing was an easy choice for her. She accredits most of her motivation to being around her younger family members, and learns that she finds a simple kind of joy in helping to take care of others.

She struggles a bit her first year when it’s mostly all grades and standardized testing, but when she starts getting clinical experience and working in the hospital on campus, things round out for her.

Patient care is her strongest point. A lot of people often forget that knowing everything isn’t everything; if you don’t know how to calm or even just talk to your patient, you’re not that great of a healthcare professional.

Pretty certain that she wants to work with kids in the future, but she’s open to public health and even being a travel nurse if she finds opportunity there!

Of course, she’s pretty doting when it comes to you and all her friends. She might want to go into pediatrics, but the basics of nursing and health care extend to everyone, so you’re guaranteed to be well taken care of with Sasha around. You might even have to switch roles and take care of her sometimes, because her coursework can get pretty out of hand.

Connie — computer engineering with a focus on game design

He might not look it, but Connie has a brain under that shaved head of his. Computer engineering is cool to him because he basically learns about how simple things he uses every day (ie: phone, computer, microwave) works.

Systems and coding are actually the easy part for him, especially when they get into the application of it and aren’t just stuck looking at examples. That’s how he gets into game design.

The part about math and electricity and magnetic fields… well let’s just say he needed to make friends with someone who likes math and hardware his first year to get through it. But the struggle was worth it, because by his junior year he’s found a professor willing to mentor/supervise him as he works on his game and other projects, so life is good.

His school work is definitely hard, which is why the lives by the mantra of “work hard, party harder.” It’s only fair.

He makes you a little avatar so you can test out his games for him <33 best boyfriend things <33 He’d also… build a game about your relationship. Every level is a different date you guys went on, and he definitely includes something cheesy, like “There are unlimited lives because I love you forever babe <3”

Porco — kinesiology + maybe mechanical engineering

He’s pretty into athletics and working out, but didn’t wanna go down the sports psychology route; he wanted something that left him with a few more options, so he ended up in kinesiology.

He was surprisingly pretty good at biology in high school, so something stem-oriented works out in his favor, and it turns out he’s pretty damn good at anatomy, too. He’ll probably end up in physical therapy after graduation.

He’s also got a knack for cars, which is where the engineering comes in, but he doesn’t care so much for the math part of it (he doesn’t care for it at all actually, fuck that); he just wants the hands on experience of building/fixing things and working with his hands. So, if he can get a minor in it and not struggle through 4 years of math, then he’d do that. If not, he’d take a few workshop-like classes.

Because he wants to go into physical therapy, you are essentially his practice patient. Your back hurts? Not a problem, he’s basically a professional masseuse. Muscle aches? He’s got a remedy and understanding of why it’s happening. Don’t let him catch you hunting over your desk grinding away at your homework, because he will poke your neck and correct your posture (he’ll also massage your shoulders, but after the scolding).

Pieck — classics + minor in philosophy

Ancient studies interest her, but more than that, the language of ancient Greek and Roman culture fascinates her, so classics is the way to go.

Because her focus within Classics ends up being Greek and Latin language studies, she is essentially learning both languages at the same time. She gets farther with Latin that she does with Greek. For whatever reason, the former comes almost naturally to her, so her written and translated work is more complex in Latin.

However, she finds cultural studies relation to Greece more interesting than that of Rome, so it’s a give and take with both; better at languages for Roman studies, better at culture and history for Greek studies.

Her minor is a natural evolution from her primary coursework. Ancient Romans and Greeks set the foundation for a lot of modern day philosophy, so it comes up in her major classes, but she wanted to delve further into the philosophy, and not just look at it historically, so she takes more courses to fulfill the minor.

Can be found laying on a blanket in the quad on a hot day, with her books spread out all around her, highlighter in hand as she works through her reading. You’re always invited to sit with her, and more often than not, it ends up with Pieck’s head in your lap, a book in her hands, and your own schoolwork in yours as you both read in each other’s company.

Bertholdt — computer science and coding

He’s level headed, good at planning, and above all, patient, so he’s cut out for this. He doesn’t consider himself to be particularly creative, which is why he doesn’t pick a speciality with lots of design; but he’s good at streamlining and ideas to life.

The patience really comes in when his code doesn’t run. It’s frustrating to scroll for two hours just to find out that the issue is a missing semi-colon in line 273 that he overlooked, but Berty will sit there until he finds it.

He’s also good at fixing issues. That’s not limited to issues in the code itself; it can mean finding shorter ways to produce the same function or loop, or integrating new aspects into existing code.

Also, he’d just be so cute, coding away on his computer. Just imagine: Berty working on his homework in the library, he’s got his signature crewneck + collared shirt look going for him, his blue-light glasses, a cup of coffee nearly as tall as him sitting at the corner of his desk. Adorable.

He’d make little codes/programs for you, too, even if it’s silly. A simple code that helps you decide what to eat for dinner or where to go on a date, one that shuffles different reminders for you, hell he’ll even forgo the torture of design engineering just to build you a little robot that says “I love you” to you.

Reiner — english + minor in justice & political philosophy

Everyone expects Reiner, star quarterback of the university’s rugby team, to be a business student or communications student; but no, he’s an English major, and he loves it.

Just imagine a guy as huge as Reiner absolutely manhandling someone on the field, just to show up in his lectures with a tiny paperback of The Great Gatsby tucked between his fingers with his reading glasses on. It’s so precious.

He’s always running a bit late to class—either coming from the gym, or practice, or oversleeping from exhaustion—but he’s so sweet to his professors and genuinely interested in the literature that they don’t give him a hard time about it. They can tell that balancing school and sports is difficult, and they just appreciate that he takes his studies seriously.

Yeah he’s in a book club and he dog-ears his books. What about it. They’re doing poetry this month and Reiner actually likes Edgar Allen Poe. Who said jocks can’t be sentimental.

He also reads a lot outside of his classes, and has a soft spot for coming of age stories. He usually empathizes with the main character somehow. His ideal weekend plans after a week of grueling games and essays is taking a long, relaxing shower at your place, while you both share a bottle of wine, and maybe even get you to read a chapter or two of his current book out loud to him.

Annie — clinical psychology/neuroscience

Almost scarily analytical and methodic, so this major was calling her name. Localizing brain legions is… insanely intuitive to her it’s incredible. She’ll be an insanely impressive doctor someday, even if she doesn’t end up working with patients directly.

She doesn’t care too much for the more philosophical/reading heavy parts of psychology. Even experiments and research closer to the social end of the spectrum aren’t all that interesting to her; but the brain science behind it it.

Nobody should be good at cellular biology. Nobody should be able to ace cell bio and neuro and calc and work towards their thesis proposal in the same semester, but Annie proves it’s possible.

Ends up working in one of her professor’s labs by her junior year. She was offered three TA positions working with first year students, but she swiftly turned them down. Teaching isn’t her thing.

She doesn’t bring up her studies to you unprompted, but if you ask her about them she’ll explain it to you. Her notes are color coded and it’s super neat, and very cute; coloring them is somewhat relaxing for her. She usually saves the coloring part for when you guys study together; there’s extra comfort in doing it with you around.

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delvine · 3 years

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dabi with a youtube channel

a/n : somehow someway some demon just whispered in my ear 'yo what if dabi was a youtuber??' and here we are. gosh, i forgot how fun headcanons are, so enjoy!! warnings : mild cussing, one mild manga spoiler, that's about it

god this little shit

this man will shamelessly make youtube videos

he uploaded that video and was like: ‘making all that was kinda fun. let’s do that again, bruh’

and he honestly doesn’t give a fuck. like, yes he's a wanted criminal and what about it???

this dude's main theme for his channel according to him is commentary and critic videos

but he can barely keep up with his theme cause he just films and uploads with everything really

his channel's pattern is normally one 30 minute critic video about how the hero society sucks and deserves to burn. then just one insanely chaotic vlog with the LOV, one video where he ranks every 7/11 noodle soup and ramen. and then another 30 minute video, but about how mental any trash reality tv show is and then back to square one

i think his type of commentary is close to tom harlock, cody ko & noel miller

almost every single video of his is demonetized because...yknow? he's on some villain shit

but if it weren't for that fact, this man would make so much bank ong

almost every teenager and adolescent watches him as a guilty pleasure

if you're in a relationship with dabi as a youtuber, you really have to just ask once and you'll make a video with him one day and he just sorta knows that you’ll probably make a few more appearances on his channel

if you made at least two people laugh whether in real life or online, congratulations, you're funnier than dabi

he doesn't mind either way though, cause you’re both a lot funnier together

like you guys just make each other laugh and build up the jokes you make

the dynamic between you two while filming a video is a beautiful combination of that's cringe: you and couple's cringe: tattoo show

i can just imagine you guys watching and joking anything by tlc (extreme cheapskates, my strange addiction, etc) and truly (extreme love, love don't judge, etc)

sometimes you just come across some shit while you're scrolling through the seventh circle of hell- i mean scrolling through twitter

then you just show him like 'look at this shit' and one out of ten times, he straight up pulls out the camera cause he knows it's gonna be weird as fuck

dabi's editing skills tho

just *chef's kiss* so good

subscribers and views are a good amount. like around the 500k to 800k

dabi has no other public social media though

that's not cause of shame, it's more because of...common sense

every app is private, but somehow so many people found it and requested to follow

in the early days of his channel when a few people would request, he'd simply decline, but now he just leaves it be

in conclusion, i want to make a youtuber!lov au now

#bnha #dabi #dabi imagine #dabi x reader #mha #touya todoroki #toya todoroki #dabi x you #dabi x poc!reader #dabi x gn reader #dabi headcanons #league of villains #— del writes 💌

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infinitegalahad · 3 years

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RAY IN THE BATHROOM

Summary: Ray is hiding in a bathroom and has a panic attack over the fact that his only real friend and the love of his life has (supposedly) left him for Brad.

Word-Count: 2.1k

Warnings: References of suicidal thoughts, ptsd, and severe anxiety. Brad is a semi-asshole. Hop on the angst train (with fluff at the end!)

A/N: I was listening to Be More Chill because let's just say that I can heavily relate to Micheal In The Bathroom due to recent events in my life. So then again, what better way to cope then using my biggest kin, Ray Person, in a totally not self indulgent fic?? Also as for the prompt requests-i'm working on them! Sorry, school has been bad. I'm keeping a promise to myself to release at least once a a week and I'm on a gen kill rampage. Idk what else to add so enjoy!

Taglist: @theboardwalkbody

Masterlist | Send In A Prompt!

Ray doesn’t expect himself to be hanging in the bathroom at their first year reunion. But instead of “hanging”, he’s hiding. Those emotions that never come out are now coming back to haunt him. Ray knows he can't hide behind a shit eating grin and sunglasses. He leaned up against the tub inside of the cramped room, his sunglasses tucked into the neck of his polo as tears sting his eyes.

Ray’s legs felt numb and he knows if he looks into the mirror and sees his flushed face and eyes, he won’t be able to conceal his crying. He’s not able to go back outside and would prefer to fake pee or just check his phone in the bathroom.

“C’mon brah!” Q-tip whined like a child, crossing his legs. “This hurts like a butt cheek on a stick”

“You can’t come in!” Ray yelled as he held back a sob, “The little man is going. Suck it up, buttercup.”

Q-tip had been knocking on the door for over ten minutes before giving up and choosing to pee outside. Ray let out a shaky sigh and fell onto the thin side of the bathtub, biting his lip and he batted his wet eyes with his palms.

Ray and y/n had been an unexpected trio. Partners in crime, double trouble, you went well together despite their differences. You were an educated college student and he was a whiskey tango mess who couldn’t shut his mouth for the life of it. You cried, laughed, and did everything together. Little known to y/n, Ray didn’t have a crush on her-but he was more than in love.

However, when Ray is having severe social anxiety, an event he would typically rely on y/n to help him with, his “partner in crime” falls short. Ray knows that y/n is light years better than him. Here was the smartest and most beautiful woman he had met next to a college dropout who didn’t make it past Geometry.

Now the “perfect pair” is severed, leaving one half alone in the bathroom.

Ray’s forgotten how long he’s been in the bathroom for. These types of events always felt forced, and everyone knew that. Whenever that awkwardness would arise, Ray and y/n would choose to ditch and steal a few beers and sit in the bathtub, watching an obscure eighties film in the dark, cramped room with Ray’s god awful commentary.

But even though Ray has Born American downloaded, he can’t bring himself to watch it. Now he’s laying in the bathtub, picking at grout as he softly grieves. He’s hiding in there while y/n is ignoring all of their history.

Ray first arrived at the party, making a dramatic entrance. He made sure everybody knew that he was there, especially y/n. His original plan was to wear a purple tux he had snatched from walamrt since it was ugly as fuck, and Ray knew that. But knowing that you were going to be there, Ray made an attempt with an expensive navy polo and khaki shorts, courtesy of Nate.

Upon seeing you, Ray ran over from whatever he was doing to talk to you. Whether you were OD’S or a casual jumpsuit, you looked dead drop gorgeous-and Ray never knew how to express his affections. So he pulled you into a hug and muttered a shitty joke, and you just laughed.

Over the course of the next hour, the two of you catched up about your mundane lives. It made Ray feel guilty since he knew that you were better than him in every way possible, on the road of success. Your future sounded like you would go to some fancy school and then marry a lawyer. Ray wanted to be good for you, but he didn’t know how to at all. He followed you around like a lost puppy for the rest of the party, feeling a tinge of jealousy whenever one of the guys would give you a chaste hug or when you wouldn't pay attention to him for five minutes.

Ray didn’;t know why the fuck eh was feeling so sappy. It wasn’t like the two of you were dating (even though that’s exactly what he wanted).

Ray doesn’t hate Brad, but he just hates whenever he talks to you. He sees the two of you, smiling and laughing as you catch u[. Ray knows it’s rude, but he buds in and offers to get drinks for the “three amigos”. You kindly accept and Ray goes away to get drinks. He makes sure to spit inside of Brad’s drink as a childish act of revenge.

As Ray walks down the hallway balancing the three drinks, he pauses to hide behind the door since he hear’s Brad mention his name. You and Brad had moved to the couch, sitting too close for Ray’s comfort levels. He had an arm slung over the couch, which was barely touching you, but Ray had taken it as an offense.

Standing by the doorway and leaning, he overheard Brad’s words.

“Ray’s a little shit, whiskey tango loser, sister fucking, type of man. I don’t know what you see in him,” Brad had casually said, cold and straight to the point. He truly lived up to his name.

That’s when Ray dropped the drinks and ran towards the bathroom. He didn’t hear you respond, and that was the last thing he needed to hear.

Now Ray’s sitting in the tub, no longer holding tears back, but there coming out. A sob escapes his mouth and he tries to smile, but he can’t. He gets a taste of his salty tears and tries to stop the waterworks, but they come back, bigger and faster. It’s been a while since he had a good cry-but it happened at one of the most inconvenient times. And it was over a stupid girl-who he coulnd’t deny that he was in love with.

But y/n was lightyears ahead of him. Besides, Brad was (seemingly) a better fit for her. The scenario began to play in Ray’s wild mind. The memories of “double trouble” will get erased. Their wedding will be small, paid for by the Colberts. Q-Tip will DJ, Godfather will make a speech with his horrid voice, and Ray will make a shitty joke as usual. Worst had come to the worst.

Ray hears a drunk Q-tip sing along through the door to “I wanna dance with somebody”. His feelings sink even deeper cause it makes him think; now there’s no one to make fun of drunk girls with anymore. That was y/n’s favorite hobby about these forced get-togethers.

Ray knew that at some point, he’d be forced to come out. As he chokes back the incoming tears, he waits until his face becomes dry, planning to blame it on weed or something in his eyes or the five bud lights he regrets drinking.

Knock, knock, knock, knock

Ray looks up and wipes his face, forcing a fake laugh. “Oh hell yeah, I'll be out soon.”

“Ray, it’s me.” It’s y/n’s voice, and Ray can’t believe it’s her. A part of him wants her to come in, but the other part wants him to defend himself.

“Why do you want me to come out when you can hang out with your new big strong viking? Who talks all educated and shit since you just love being around him.” Ray spits out with a few sniffles.

Based on his words and the sniffles, you can tell something is clearly wrong.

You shake your head and lightly knock again, “Please, that’s not what happened. Brad’s an idiot, and we’re just friends. “Please, come out.”

Ray got out from the tub and came close to the door, feeling your frantic breathes again the door. “My biggest mistake was showing up. I wished I stayed up watching cable porn, or I offered myself. Besides, he’s better for you. Just go away.”

Hearing him say such things made you worry even more, afraid that he could do something to himself that he’d regret.

“Ray, open the damn door. Don’t say dumb shit.” You pleaded, frantically twisting the door knob. The worry was evident in your voice.

“No, fuck you! Fuck this whole place. You’re smart; just leave me alone.” Ray banged against the door as tears came down his face. He immediately regretted his choice of words, knowing that they would hurt you. He turned away to return to the bathtub, only to stop when he heard you now sniffling.

Mega fuck.

Ray reluctantly walks back to the door and opens it, to see your face, all red and wet like this. Both of you stood there, disheveled, tears both running down your face.

Not a single word was spoken between the two of you as you ran into his arms, pulling him close as you cried into his chest. Ray used his foot to slam the door shut and then proceeded to pull you into a bearhug, stroking the back of your head as he comforted you through your sobs.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” He repeated as his tears stained your shoulder as well, “I didn’t-fuck. I’m such a retar-” He froze, knowing that you hated that word. “Idiot. I just-fuck. Don’t cry. You’ll ruin all the stuff on your face-”, Ray said as he tilted your face up and started to wipe your tears.

“Makeup. ‘S fine, I’m not wearing much. I just didn’t wanna get mistaken for a middle schooler again.”

Ray and you both let out a chuckle in the midst of your shared crying session. He’s still wiping the tears from your face as you rest your arms on his waist.

“First time we met, y’know. Godfather thought you had a dick for a long time.” Ray added, which earned another laugh from you.

You shook your head, “Remember when Trombley found out I was a girl?”

“Looked like he was about to shit himself-he wouldn’t leave you alone.”

“Ugh, ‘s a nightmare.” The two of you filled the void with the awakened laughter you shared. Ray’s tiny hands moved to your chin, directing it slightly up.

“I still think you’re pretty hot either way, angel.” Ray confessed. The two of you looked at each other for a minute, seeing the love and pupils widen in both of your eyes. Standing on your toes, you and Ray’s lips gently pecked at each other. You could taste the bud light on his lips as Ray’s lips overpowered yours, gently cupping and sucking passionately.

“Fuck,” Ray breathed through the kiss as your foreheads touched, “I love you.”

“Shit, I’ve been waiting for you to say that,” You chuckled as your finger’s played with Ray’s dark hair. It’s gotten longer, and it’s at a length where he can awkwardly style it, but since Ray is Ray-it’s a mess, “I love you too. I’m sorry about Brad, you know how he is.”

“I just thought you and him were having a moment. I just started overthinking it since I thought you didn't wanna be around me. Which is chill, I was vibing,” Ray attempted to joke, which was a way to cope with his pain.

You shake your head and hold his face to reassure him. Ray looks down at you in awe, which makes a smile curve on your lips.

“Brad wasn’t touching me, he just was stretched out on the couch. Ray, don’t say that. You were in the bathroom for over an hour. I knew that you were ethier upset or having explosive diarrhea from Nate’s vegan casserole-or both.”

“That shit was beyond nasty. I bet he got all the ingredients at Trader joes and sold his soul just to buy it.” Ray quickly quipped.

“Jesus, don’t make me vomit.” You huffed as you looked at the bathtub, “Now are you gonna come out now without beating up someone?”

“Yes babycakes, as long as you do one thing.”

Cringing, you force a smile. It’s not because you don’t love him, but sometimes what comes out of his mouth can be questionable. “Yes Ray?”

He grabs your hand, which fits right into his. “Gotta show the homies who’s the alpha around here.”

You don’t mind holding Ray’s hand. You like the tight squeezes and the feel of his soft skin. As the two of you walk out of the bathroom back into the life of the party with the smell of barbeque and the august heat in the air.

“Oh god Ray, shut up.”

Ray simply responds with a goosey laugh.

#ray person #ray person x reader #ray person imagine #generation kill #generation kill x reader #generation kill imagine #carrie writes #tw suicide #tw ptsd #tw severe anxiety

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dipperdogrpg · 3 years

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Cloud and Aerith theories/facts and not canon pairing essay

Ended up writing way more then intended lol and thought to share what’s happening in the FF7 story between Cloud and Aerith. This is a response text I did on my youtube channel where I do commentary as a Cloti supporter. Instead I decided to move it here.

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Wahh lol I got carried away! I enjoyed but also felt bad for Cloud having to dance at the Honey Bee thanks to Aerith and her plans. Gosh darn it though Cloud dancing was great and I squealed along with Aerith, but a tinge of guilt hits when I see his troubled face haha. The thing people confuses here is that Cloud pushes himself to do it for Tifa because he was ready to walk away. Instead of busting through the mansion he sucked it up to ensure Tifa’s safety and chose to sneak inside as a woman.

Yes, I’m also very curious how Sephiroth's schemes will develop and how Aerith will try to stop him in Remake. She's much more focused on Sephiroth and stopping him compared in OG. In the other game Aerith originally joined to understand her Cetra abilities, but it feels pretty evident she has new mysterious powers as a Cetra in Remake and her relationship with Sephiroth is more personal. Also, I think Sephiroth and Aerith’s ancestry will have a bigger role and focus on Jenova and the Cetra's relationship/History. I plan to do an Aerith Theory and a character analysis in the future because she is, as the developers describe her, mysterious.

It's obvious Sephiroth is harassing Cloud mentally then later physically through his clones. He is scheming something big and I look forward how Aerith will try to counter it because she is probably the only one capable to do it as a Cetra. One of the big schemes was removing the Arbiters of fate, but I think they both wanted that. Both Sephiroth and Aerith want to change something that doesn’t fit with the planet’s “destined” agenda.

In Max's commentary he mentioned Sephiroth was intentional with stalling Cloud running into Aerith, which caused a butterfly effect to ruin the events the planet has planned. While it tries to fix itself, the party are becoming aware of the Arbiters of Fate existence and sees it as a problem. At the end the team removes it when Sephiroth had some control in manipulating it. Its been mentioned the three figures you fight are a representation of the three sephiroth remnants from AC, Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo. So maybe we are getting hints of Sephiroth's abilities with the clones and the lifestream which could lead to some complicated trouble. We also get evidence Aerith is already more powerful than her Og counterpart by creating the portal to fight the Arbitors. When the heck did she learn that?

My theory about removing the arbitors of fate are so the creators can have wiggle room for slight variation in scenes they've considered fixing in the past to improve a more consistent story and of course a new way for Sephiroth to exercise his goal along with Aerith because definitely getting hints those two know more then they should. My theory, they are from the future and traveled to the past using the Life stream and I’m using the OTWTS Novel as evidence when Aerith and Sephiroth talk about their time in the Life Stream. In there they gained new powers. Evidence- Sephiroth talks about it at the temple of ancients and that he gained new knowledge from there, so why not Aerith too. Either way the party will stop him at the end with Aerith's help because her role in the story is to save the world while Tifa's role is to save Cloud. That is a canon statement by one of the developers btw. Aerith and Tifa have their roles to play in FF7 that lead to its success.

Fun fact, but Cloud is not himself with Aerith. The developers did say Cloud truly is himself with Tifa. Why? because love. Now, the cool thing in Remake we are witnessing is Cloud learning how to make friends. A poor social skill set that may have contributed with his insecurity when he was a child. Wanting to join tifa and her friends but instead stayed away. To make himself feel better he makes up a story that he chose not to play with the other kids because he is special. In FF7 we get to witness Cloud learning these relationship skills, which helps develop his character to grow up until we get to the Lifestream sequence. It's after that he can stop pretending to be what he think is the ideal cool grown up version of himself and instead work on his real self with the new bonds of friendship he made who stuck around Cloud regardless of him pretending to act as someone else during their adventure. Cloud is still Cloud. Even with the messed up memories he had. He is not Zack. He is like a little boy picking up traits he likes from other people and mimic them. Very confused why people think he is Zack. He’s not. He is Cloud trying to be cool and does it poorly. That’s a canon thing.

Soldier Cloud is a facade, an illusion of himself he truly believed in until he sorted out his memories and realized "oh I'm not being myself and just mimicking what would Zack do. A friend I look up to" It's been pointed out Cloud isn't actually grown up mentally and is still a child with insecurity about himself along with 5 years of trauma thanks to Hojo. Poor BABY! This whole copy/mimic theme gets reflected with the kids in sector 8 that mimic Cloud in remake over time during the side quests. Cloud is doing the same thing with Zack. Even Biggs hints that Cloud and the kids have a lot in common. I'm not crazy about Sector 8 but it shows best what Biggs told Cloud before the plate falls. And one more thing I want to add lol. When Cloud gets his red drink from Tifa there's a pause of him looking up and down at the drink and Tifa, before he says beautiful. That moment of pause he thinks to himself what he should do here and then came up with what he believes a confident person/Zack would do. Zack doesn't hesitate when giving a compliment. Confident people don't normally hesitate when they talk. It's why we get moments of Cloud saying some awkward lines when he doesn't give himself time to think and its one of the best moments to watch lol cuz I think that's when real cloud slips out trying to act cool or is at a lost for words. It's canon by the developers that Cloud isn't cool but tries to act it.

Another Fun fact. Most party members and NPCs in Remake mention and hint in game they see past the facade Cloud puts up. Tifa, Barret, Wedge, Biggs, Marle, Jessie and Aerith are some of the characters that see past it and either go along with it, poke fun at his attempt or tell him to his face they know he's pretending to be someone he's not. Basically seeing past the character he pretends to be and can see he has a good heart over the course they spend time with him. Even though Cloud tries to convince others and himself he could care less about them and is only in it for the money.

Now OG is really awkward with the romance honestly from my playthroughs so far. (Follow me on Youtube Dipperdog15 if you want to catch my FF7 commentary when I go live playing OG and Intergrade.) But with Remake it's very clear they are building up Aerith's love story with Zack so we can cry hard later. All of Zack scenes so far is related to Aerith. In Remake and OG Aerith display some of Zack's mannerisms too because people copy/mimic what they do to feel closer to them when in love. She continues to wear the bow Zack gave her and the pink dress in memory of Zack. She's said "gotta move forward not back" in remake and/or that Zack probably moved on with another girl in Og but what if what she said is a lie. We have Cloud as the unreliable narrator so why can't it also happen with Aerith who is likely lying to convince herself to move on to protect her heart. In fact a lot of characters in FF7 lie to themselves and we get character development when they stop and face the truth. It's one of the many themes in FF7 which I think I’ll deep dive into on my podcast channel in the future.

Another thing to keep in mind is that Zack is risking it all to make it to Midgar to see Aerith while risking Cloud's life on this mission, because he promised her. Promise is a big important theme in FF7. Cloud and Tifa are the canon couple and Zack and Aerith are the canon couple in FF7 because these pairings promised each other. I won't disagree about Cloud not caring about Aerith, but he cares for all his friends as said in AC. Also why make it possible the idea to bring Zack back? To create a love square? No. It’s have us the players focus instead the reunion of Aerith and Zack. That’s more attention grabbing because we never got to see it before and I’ll cry when they cry finally getting to be together. If they don’t I’ll cry some more. The developers are pushing for Zerith and their development in Remake/Intergrade.

Another thing to notice, there are a lot of similarities between Jessie and Aerith's relationship when they are around Cloud. This directive choice, I believe, isn't a coincidence in order to water down scenes that are suppose to be special. It is instead not a “one of kind’ scene. They both get carried bridal style. They both tell cloud My Hero. They both invited Cloud over for dinner. They both ask about who Tifa is. They both got a pikachu face from Cloud when jessie optionally kissed Cloud on the cheek and Aerith wearing the optional red dress. They both have strong personalities that overwhelms Cloud and that is a developer canon statement. They both worked hard to befriend Cloud so he can open up and be nicer to them. Cloud treats them both the same.

Aerith’s relationship with Cloud in Remake is directing us to friendship. In the novel it mentioned she loves Cloud, in what way we don’t know. But we can say for a fact Cloud was living a lie in OG and his real self loves Tifa. In fact his other self loved Tifa too, you just have to catch the moment. Example, Barret teasing Cloud if he is eager to see his baby when you first see Tifa in OG. It happens when you run to the bar, but only if you catch Tifa on the porch before she goes inside. That’s means in both remake and OG, Barret knew something was up with those two. Another moment is the interest Cloud has with what Tifa almost said in the gondola. It was obviously sounding like some kind of confession from Tifa at Gold Saucer. When you get this date the story is more fluid when you arrive at the northern crater and Cloud says “only your opinion matters” to Tifa. Huge RED FLAG Cloud considers Tifa important to him. Meanwhile Aerith and Cloud’s relationship was open for interpretation that it may have been love in OG, but the scenes that helped implied it were removed in Remake. The point system was just for fun because it was a popular thing in the 90s. Plus the points for Tifa, Aerith, Barret and Yuffie’s are their feelings for Cloud not Cloud’s feelings towards them. Then you get rewarded learning a little about the character, but that’s it. FF7 remake/intergrade is not an otome game. Cloud ends with Tifa no matter what. Even if Aerith was to stay alive the Life Stream sequence will always be Cloud and Tifa’s moment to learn about their feelings for each other. The developers have said it is one of their favorite scenes, so they won’t change it. ok now back to Remake.

Aerith in her resolution tells him not to love her and it’s not real. A deliberate choice of words I think she picked to shoo away the thought they could be a thing for both their sakes and us the players lol. Doing that made it weird now because Cloud doesn’t want to ruin what ever progress he has with Tifa in Remake. Plus Cloud only known her for a few days and if his actions are making her think there’s this growing romance between them he’s not going to encourage it. Those lines raised his awareness to watch himself I bet, so Tifa doesn’t get the wrong idea and you can see the distance he put between himself and Aerith later in game. Meanwhile in Intermission we see Cloud continues to make quick glances at Tifa whenever he can. We get it Cloud. You can’t keep your eyes off her. Ok getting off track. So Cloud and Aerith are instead just friends. Doing this allows Tifa to pick up the role to be there for Aerith. Which will help develop their friendship to be stronger as the two girls encourage each other. because I didn’t pick up on the two being best friends in OG but in Remake it’s very clear. He already looked uncomfortable when Aerith grabbed his arm back at the ghost station in front of Tifa. To include Cloud with this idea of him falling in love with another woman in front of Tifa would leave a poor taste in our mouths after spending several hours watching him develop several intimate moments with Tifa. That freaking hug scene and train roll you guys screamed sexual tension and love. Cloud is not that kind of guy who easily falls in love. His whole hero’s journey is because of Tifa and he makes sure to be nice to her while trying to get her attention. With anyone else he is quite hostile with new people and slowly learns to tolerate them before liking them. Cloud treats Tifa differently in a special way. He’s been pinning for Tifa since they were kids and even imagined scenarios of Tifa noticing him. That’s right, not all of Cloud’s visions may be accurate. We may see more scenes of kid Cloud imagining moments with Tifa to confuse our perspective they are childhood friends. Again, Cloud is the unreliable narrator thanks to Jenova and 5 years of trauma. Now back to Aerith. Their relationship definitely felt different when Cloud, Tifa and Barret rescued Aerith. In fact Aerith’s relationship with everyone is different in a better way. The relationship between Tifa and Barret are better fleshed out compared to OG Aerith and I’m for it. Very happy they removed the jail scene. It was upsetting watching Aerith flirt with Cloud while Tifa was stuck in the cell forced to listen and Aerith owing Cloud a date. Which changed also in Remake. Taking Aerith home and spending time her was the date as mentioned in game by Aerith herself.

When I play through Chapter 8 and 9 I get this feeling Meta Aerith looks uncomfortable sticking to the OG lines of herself but does it anyways so the Arbiters of fate won’t come for her because she wants to hold on to her memories. Something she believes can help her friends I’m guessing. This is if my theory is right lol. What we have now is an Aerith that’s more mysterious than she was in OG. If this is OG Aerith making a return in Remake then I believe she was acting a lot, but then we see hiccups of her mentioning Cloud being a mercenary when he never mentioned it or acting like she knows Tifa for like forever before she actually met her in Remake. And then there was her knowing the plate would fall in sector 7. I’m betting the burden of knowing it was so hard to hide that Tifa picked up that she might be hiding something.

We are near the end!

Aerith’s resolution explored further. The resolution helps proves my theory this is OG Aerith that travel back to the past using the Lifestream to help her comrades in the fight against Sephiroth in Remake who also returned to the past. What’s also interesting about her resolution are the things she said are something you want to tell someone before you disappear. It was so sudden in OG that it sounds like Aerith wants to make up for it and also doesn’t want Cloud to suffer in guilt as he did in AC. Cherish the moment. Every one dies.

Aerith knows the truth with Cloud and Tifa’s relationship hence her stopping herself interfering. Now maybe Aerith did fall in love with Cloud, and maybe while Cloud pretended to be someone else was loving the idea, which is a stretch cuz there are plenty debunking the idea which I can go over later. They both may have been using each other to fill the hurt in their heart not having their true loves instead. Zack and Tifa. In her resolution, Aerith has declared she will not pursue Cloud as she did in OG and we have evidence of that when they rescue her. there were so many opportunities for Cloud to be Aerith’s hero. Instead those moments were replaced with Tifa consoling her and rescuing her.

The Arbitors of Fate are gone, so I believe Aerith’s normal clips of her flirting with Cloud will get removed or changed as many have already. This allows the directors to remove lines that painted Aerith poorly some moments and better her relationship with the team too. Aerith will still have flaws like everyone does. No one is perfect and I’m perfectly fine with that.

Crap if I keep going this will turn into a podcast in writing I think lol. Anywho, yes the arbiters of fate were eliminated, who knows if it's permanent, but as the developers have repeated, FF7 story will remain the same at heart. Iconic moments will remain. If it is not then that's a risky move to say to fans. Aerith will die to protect her loved ones and the planet and will reunite at the church in spirit with Zack perhaps. She can’t escape her role as the last living Cetra. That is her truth which she denied when she was little as shown in a flashback with kid Aerith. The other theme in FF7 is trying to move forward after a loss. Which extends to Advent Children which some of the team members has to deal with survival guilt. Some fans are getting their hopes up that Aerith will live. The developers are using Biggs and Jessie’s possible surviving scenes to prove lives lost can live in Remake. I think they may die later though if that is their fate, but we never actually saw them die in OG either. It was just implied. This is a set up so Aerith’s death scene can be impactful again in Remake, so we can cry again.

This was a lot and little bit everywhere, but I hope you enjoyed it. You can follow me on youtube in the link below where I invite other FF7 fans to talk about the story and Cloud and Tifa’s relationship Or me doing my own Cloud and Tifa commentary and Remake talk while I play the game. Thanks for reading! Hope you check out my channel and sub to check out my videos when convenient for you. Thank you!

https://www.youtube.com/c/Dipperdog15/featured

#cloti #FF7 Remake #ff7 #cloud strife #final fantasy vii #Final Fantasy 7

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bao3bei4 · 3 years

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kpop music videos that gave their fans sexual brainworms

OR accidental fetish pop and its fringe fanbase: meditations on gendered desire

large warning here: i am someone who has been into kpop for the past 10 years. however, i have always been an extremely casual fan. i do write fic, but not rpf. if any of that makes you not want to hear me talk about kpop rpf (or you don’t want to hear about it in general), please keep moving.

anyway, obviously pop is corporate, soulless, and manufactured. but sometimes some truly bizarre shit gets past the committees and destroys a generation. these are their stories.

the video that started this is all is got7’s just right, released july 10th, 2015.

yes that’s all 7 members of got7 (one is out of frame) shrunken down for your viewing pleasure. they live in your room and tell you you’re just right.

this sheer fetish power of this video is nerfed only by how utterly sexless it is.

they’re styled like and dance like this. it’s a totally unironic sendup of the seminal work that preceded it by four years, “what makes you beautiful” by the white kpop group “one direction.” the chaste energy of the whole thing makes you legitimately wonder if the good people at jyp have just never heard of microphilia. (during a dramatic reading of this piece, here a friend interjected seriously, “i think it’s korean culture not to talk about things like this, fetishes in the workplace.”)

it’s for the best, honestly, though because the actress in the music video is lee ja in, who was 11 when the video was shot. considering that the members themselves ranged in age from 18-23 at the time, i think it’s actually very impressive that we only have to cancel one.

you receive absolutely no prizes for guessing that it’s jackson wang we’re sending to social justice prison. why’d he do this? no one asked.

at any rate, got7 fans, or “gans” (they actually call themselves igot7s which is too twee for me), have much to think about here: all 7 very small members of got7 sneaking into their room, possibly weird age play, and jackson wang eating a very large cake.

let’s see what they actually did.

twitter was actually very tame. the most charged thing i found was (unsurprisingly) from a bts fan (“ban”). i don’t actually know what it means, but i think it means something.

so, of course, i turned to the internet’s last bastion of free speech, where you can say whatever the fuck you want and receive cheers, or as the kids say, “kudos.” that is, i read fanfiction.

for those of you who don’t know your herstory, i started my journey at Asianfanfics.com, where, at the time of writing, there were 12,067 got7 stories. i want to start this by saying that i think feminism won, because someone was paying real human dollars to advertise their irene/wendy fanfiction on a banner ad, which is quite possibly a win for women for everywhere.

anyway, Asianfanfics.com’s search engine sucks ass (i kept on finding stories about different combinations of bts members worrying about their weight and being reassured by another member that were entitled “just right”), so i decided to look through all got7 stories written between july 2015 and december 2015.

but, alas, not a single got7 microphilia fic to be found.

also, some genre commentary while i’m here: i think the stories i respect the most are the “[y/n] is a ordinary girl who’s assigned to be got7’s manager! can she make them into superstars? as sparks begin to fly, can she keep it professional?” like fuck yeah that sounds like a kickass dating sim. it almost definitely already is one. i salute all the teens around the world for buying into the fantasy of dating a boy band member that they themselves sell you.

however, i don’t think i respect the “[member a] and [member b] are mafia/jocks and nerds/college students/high schoolers” concepts. in my opinion, the whole fantasy of boy band member is their personas, their hidden real personalities, their celebrity, and the show business setting. find a different intellectual property if you wanna write about school. i even respect the “yugyeom drank girl juice [not estrogen] and turned into a sexy girl” story more, because at least it knows exactly what it wants, and also because they’re all still boy band members. well, band members. shout out to yugyeom.

so, anyway, i looked elsewhere. at the time of writing, archive of our own only had 11,645 got7 stories, but it does have a better search, so it effectively has more. as an aside, i think it’s so funny, and mildly disorienting at first, that archive of our own separates the “music & bands” section from the “celebrities & real people” section. boy band members aren’t real people.

the first problem i encountered is that only 20 or so stories were written within a year of just right’s release. absolute cringe gans. don’t you care about your boys? there were zero stories tagged “vore” or “microphilia” either. stories containing the word “tiny” that were rated either “explicit” or “mature” were all normal (“normal”) size fetishization rather than, you know, just right.

however, i learned my lesson from twitter. i realized that what had happened was that watching this video had created sleeper agents, just waiting for their activation phrase. that activation phrase? bangtan boys. and yeah, lo and behold, there was one! unfortunately (fortunately?) it had nothing to do with got7, let alone just right, so i’m not going to talk about it.

basically what i learned is that this video may have actually been very normal, and my brain has just been destroyed by being too online at a young age.

however, there are plenty more videos in this genre. i present to you exo wolf, a banger from may 30th, 2013. i say banger, because in a comedic inversion, it’s actually fucking terrible.

this video is pretty self-explanatory in terms of why it might induce certain responses.

let’s get the formalities out of the way. this video, the member who’s getting cancelled is kai. he has braids in this video :/

also skating on thin ice: xiumin and chen. guys what was up with the whole exo-m thing? like, we’re gonna have a cpop subgroup, but it’s going to be part chinese members and part korean members that we’ll give a chinese name? unsurprisingly, the three exo members who have departed from the group are all chinese. they weren’t able to stand the microaggressions probably. but xiumin and chen remain uncancelled as an official chinese apology for five thousand of years of on-and-off invasions of korea. sorry guys that was kinda fucked up. our bad!

anyway, there are basically three avenues for exo fans to take: 1) humans with wolfish characters (usually wolf pack dynamics, which even wolves themselves don’t fucking use so i think all of you should shut up. the real omega here is your brain), 2) werewolves (duh), and 3) wolves with human characteristics (i.e. standard furry fare).

exo themselves let all these possibilities exist at the same time, superimposing them over each other, which is very woke and egalitarian of them. let’s see what the people decided. awoo.

Asianfanfics dot com had many stories in this vein. i feel very validated that this time i was able to correctly predict a fetish. that said, briefly returning to my earlier comment regarding alternate universes: it’s intense psychic whiplash reading about these vampires and werewolves, and going okay okay luhan is a vampire this that whatever, and then seeing the actual real performance photos the author attaches at the bottom of each chapter. bro i forgot these were actual people.... it breaks immersion so bad... i’m sorry, i just can’t believe that any of these dancing boys are having weird vampire sex with wings or whatever.

archive of our own also had many stories in this vein. and i think there are some important difference between the two sites worth talking about.

first of all, i think the higher engagement rate of archive of our own really enables some of the authors to get super bold. it makes Asianfanfics.com seem a little quaint, actually. like the wordcounts are waaay longer, for one. it’s uncommon for a story hosted on Asianfanfics.com to be more than a few thousand words long (most of them could easily be published in the new yorker), whereas some of these archive of our own people have written full length novels about if the members of exo were werewolves. i guess it’s just intensely demoralizing for the aff.com crew to get, like, three comments per story.

the second big difference is that i’m noticing more common themes between the ao3 crew’s writing. like stan intertextuality, or plagiarism, or whatever, but they seem to be implicitly engaging with each other’s characterizations, storylines, and tropes. i think it is because they probably all follow each other on twitter. (i have been active on twitter for three weeks now so i am an expert on fanfiction twitter.)

anyway, like not that i am a particularly big gan (cannot even list all the members), but these people seem to have reached a very specific consensus on how jackson wang, for instance, would react in a variety of situations that really surprises me? if i were to sit down and write a got7 story, i think the fuckboitude, the douchebaggery is a big part of his charm. not to be nationalist or anything, but for god’s sake, he’s from hong kong. but these people have him as very sensitive, lots of protective instincts. not that i understood what anyone on aff.com was doing with his character either, but they did all seem to be doing different things. “kudos” to that, i guess.

but: exo. wolf. i searched the “wolves” tag. this filtered the list down from 33459 stories to 52 stories. and the “wolves” tag was very different from the aff.com “wolf” tag. for the most part, aff.com liked stories where a member was a wolf (usually shapeshifting), feral boy, lots of y/n, lots of y/n dating a feral boy who is secretly a wolf.

ao3 really, really, really likes alpha/beta/omega stories. sorting by the most popular stories, only five on the first page weren’t a/b/o. and one of them was a cis f!baekhyun story, so i think the intended effect was communicated. anyway, let’s talk about some of the themes.

first of all, i’m disappointed. today’s bonus cancellation is of ao3 “wolves” writers. why the fuck are you drawing so heavily from european wolves?? there are wolves in asia!! you don’t need to keep giving their packs and ranks weird latin names. i will kill you. i hate italy. korea literally has a native wolf. i hate all of you!!! if you want to write caucasian wolves go watch that dumbass cw show!!!! my god.

the second theme (the first one was white supremacy) is that no one wants to be a wolf who fucks. i think that we need a sex positivity movement, or something, for omega rights. like, are all of you doing okay? you’re queering misogyny by inventing new genders to oppress. another level to “no one wants to be a wolf...” is the “who fucks” part. there are so many consent issues. and not even in like, a sexy intentional way? in a “i genuinely do not think this author understands how their writing comes off” way. unfortunately i am sensitive to untagged sexual coercion, and there was a lot of that.

at any rate, the aff.com wolves were at peace with being wolves, very self-actualized. the ao3 wolves know that every minute they spend alive on this bitch of an earth is suffering, and also sex.

the third theme is the evolution of y/n. y/n, who, in a startlingly woke move for aff.com, is almost always korean, is a girl main character stumbling into love, boy bands, and wolves (i think it’s because aff.com is oldschool kpop fandom, so therefore heavily asian itself in userbase). but y/n is not the main character in ao3 stories. she is the straight best friend. in what i think is a hilarious move, ao3 authors invert the gay best friend paradigm to give the gay main character a straight girl as best friend. she usually calls him “a gay,” she has lots of thoughts on boys, and she knows his sexuality better than he does and before he does. (sidebar: if all the men are gay, and all the women are straight...)

there’s a really fun twist to this, though, because the main character is always a self-insert in fanfiction. but where older fanfiction like aff.com was at peace with this and literalize it via y/n shenanigans, modern fic writers who haven’t finished distangling their complicated relationship with wanting to be a man who loves other men instead simply imbue their main character with their essence. a little voodoo doll sehun, with a lock of y/n hair.

this creates a deeply ambivalent relationship with gender in these stories. the main character is usually an omega, but one who resents being an omega. their body and its parts is usually described, if at all, as ostensibly intersex (except more offensively), but in practice, these discourses inscribe a trans body. (nb: i think cis writers approach this in a really fucked up fetishizing way, but i hope by this point we know that that goes without saying) it’s incredibly straightforward to read this, and see the underlying desires and fears in a heady cocktail of unfiltered writing that’s deeply confessional. you know when freud had people say whatever the fuck they wanted and figured they’d eventually free associate into releasing their subconscious into reality? yeah.

okay, and while we’re on the topic, let’s talk f(x) nu abo, released on may 4th, 2010.

this is a blitzy, maximalist, amped up dance hit that even has its own applause and cheers built in. it’s so fucking annoying, and i love it.

this song is on here because the second most popular kpop a/b/o story on ao3 is called “nu abo” except it’s about bts. that’s offensive enough in its own right. write something about f(x) (702 works). when will women win the right to have their own self-lubricating holes.

anyway, even though f(x) is probably innocent in all of this, i’m still cancelling amber liu.

for queerbaiting. who told her to look like ruby rose but hot? and for what? i’m also cancelling her for racism, but that wasn’t in this video.

moving on to a double feature: vixx voodoo doll and vixx chained up, released november 19, 2013 and november 9, 2015 respectively. this is because while voodoo doll is more formative, i think the fans who write fanfiction today got into kpop more recently, so we are casting a wide net.

anyway, voodoo doll is jam packed with weird pseudo-medical imagery, blood, vivisection, bondage, puppet shit, femdom, sharps, piercings, asphyxiation, dollification, stabbing/penetration metaphors, and a really sick and catchy dance. god that looks like the list of tags on the a/b/o wolf stories.

for this song, we’re cancelling you, for being way too into this song when you were 13.

vixx voodoo doll made me goth i guess! insert that pic of the your music saved me sign, except it saved me from getting into emo or pop punk probably.

chained up, comparatively, is much more tame. the only thing of note about it is that there are around 10 completely different chokers and choker looks the members wear in this music video. also they’re singing about being chained up, but that seemed a bit obvious.

we could argue that voodoo doll is gay while chained up is gay (derogatory); that voodoo doll is queer while chained up is gay; that chained up is a sensitive masterpiece of omega4omega sexuality. but we’re not going to.

we’re going to talk about what voodoo doll fanfiction was and was not. first, Aff.com had plenty of it. however, i was extremely disappointed to see that much of it did not hew to the spirit of vixx voodoo doll. my god, the voodoo doll becoming the one preying upon you disgusts me. the fantasy of the voodoo doll is that of absolute power. the idea that the doll itself has agency? instantly breaks the fantasy. i’m even not into voodoo dolls and i’m offended.

i also don’t think it’s part of the voodoo doll fantasy to release the doll. the only story on there that involved Y/N kidnapping vixx members like in the music video was unavailable because the author deactivated their account. come back qxeen what did you see.

i think this got off track, actually, in that i was mostly wondering why these people imprinted differently onto vixx voodoo doll than i did. like i don’t think you’re supposed to actually like straightforwardly absorb the morals and aesthetics of music videos like it’s propaganda. however, it’s more entertaining if you do. i hope ao3 doesn’t let me down.

out of the then 5932 works in the vixx fandom (the least out of every group so far, excluding f(x) because they’re women), 59 of them included the word “voodoo” somewhere. that’s 1%. i legitimately can’t tell if that’s high or not.

after some more cursory reading through the first page of popular results, my big takeaway is that people watched that video and wanted to be tortured and enslaved? but not, like, in a sexy way where the torturing is the point, the way where the point is to suffer bravely and beautifully, to endure the world’s harms like jesus on the cross, and then to fall into the arms of a beautiful boy who may or may not be the one hurting you in the first place.

there’s a certain predictability to these fantasies. like it’s not even masochism, which would be fun at least, it’s literally just like the desire to be beautiful, even as you suffer. and i do find that a little boring. (but, i mean, you can’t help being a woman!)

sidebar: on chained up. what’s interesting about chained up, is that most of the then 38 “chained up” works (likely because the video has no storyline) are about the members fucking during chained up promotions. no one’s ever actually chained up, but whatever. it’s fine. it’s fine!

anyway, here, more than ever, the nature of desire is stripped bare. i’ve written before [elsewhere in the unreleased tshirt cinematic universe] on how kpop boys are, through fandom, re-formed as white, or more strongly, i guess, blank slates. it’s really interesting to me how so much of this dynamic of projection is enabled by the fact that they’re asian men. they’re infantilized, feminized vessels; they’re seductive, but childlike, oblivious to their own charms, so nonthreatening; they have uncontrollable desires for sex, they’re scared of sex. and above all else, white women submit themselves to them, insert themselves into them. basically kpop fans tend to rework old school yellow peril and emasculation fantasies to reenact their own desires, often white, often cishet on them.

what i am saying is that there’s another thesis about forced feminization and its racialized subtext in here. obviously gender is a racialized construct to begin with, but like it’s fascinating to argue that when white women remake asian men according to their own desires, that is, into themselves, they (hopefully) unintentionally echo these old fears about the sexual order.

it illuminates, it seems, the underlying dynamic in the denigration of asian men, which is of course the fear of miscegenation. now, my breathtaking ability to make everything about me aside, miscegenation is interesting because it presents a racial synthesis, beginning to collapse and trouble the artificial designations of purity. so we make asian men into white women, and end up with an unsettling hybrid. i’m sure this has deep implications for me personally.

but i think we already knew that quite a few of these people had yellow fever, so let’s talk about the gender dialectic at play. basically, the above dynamic, of making men into women (whether literally, in body; or subjectively, in mind; or even relationally, as they are objectified into passive vessels for your desire) coexists with the ostensibly converse dynamic, in which the straight women desires to be a gay man. these aren’t necessarily in conflict: it could easily be that these are different writers writing different stories, that both are ways of expressing discontent with existing in a raced, gendered body, or even that the end product of both is the same.

it’s been a while without a picture. all of you now have the legal right to hunt and kill me for making a d&g joke.

anyway, what i want to talk about is how these two fantasies can coexist. that by making a man into yourself, you can speak on your own desire in a passive way. my normal interest is analyzing forced masc fantasies (albeit in chinese opera lol), and they bear little to no resemblance to this kind of fantasy. this kind offers plausible deniability, of course, because wanting things is embarrassing. but also the fantasy isn’t about wanting to be a man, it’s about having no choice but to be a failed one. the gender pessimism running through these stories is palpable. basically andrea long chu wants what wolf fanfiction writers know: everyone is an omega, and everyone hates it.

at any rate, this racialized dynamic is one that i wasn’t sure how to bring up throughout this piece, mainly because there is no definitive way for me to tell the race of any individual writer, beyond just like the clear and present vibes that i receive. but i think it structures a lot of the fantasies contained in this essay. (i felt more comfortable bringing up the gendered dynamic, because it was fairly trivial to find out the current gender of the person writing each story i was reading.)

obviously we should return to the specter haunting this conversation: the very much alive david eng. i think this sort of argument is familiar to readers of racial castration, especially his chapter on m. butterfly. btw sorry for mentioning that play 2 out of 3 posts on this blog. i have problems.

let’s talk about the parallel imagery between the depiction of gallimard’s final speech and the fanfiction i’ve described above. in it, gallimard makes himself into his own dream woman, dressing in yellowface and robes, the costume of puccini’s original madame butterfly. and he laments his lost love:

there is a vision of the orient that i have. of slender women in chong sams and kimonos who die for the love of unworthy foreign devils. who are born and raised to be the perfect women. who take whatever punishment we give them, and bounce back, strengthened by love, unconditionally.

in that, i see the self insert, and i see the sufferer of vixx voodoo fic. the fantasy that gallimard has about asian women is repeated, this time about asian men and a helpless identification with them. and on some level, gallimard’s women do have something very compelling to identify with: they suggest that there’s a way to endure white male violence without sacrifice, and even more potently, to enjoy it on some level.

but onward to the titular racial castration. eng argues that gallimard’s wilful ignorance of song’s true gender is a psychic castration -- song’s masculinity is diminished so that his own can be enhanced within their relationship. this, eng believes, acts out “richard fung’s contention that in western imaginary ‘asian and anus are conflated.’” this process stabilizes the relationship between the asian man and the white woman: they occupy the same place within the sexual dyad.

this is, i think, why some people are addicted to writing from the bottom’s perspective. again -- not implying that irl bottoms don’t exist or that bottoms are psychically castrated lol -- but rather that you can fantasize about this ideal asian man that you can come to embody. in kpop rpf, rather than it being between a white man and an asian man (unless someone’s started writing chad future fic), it’s between two asian men. so this transformation is performed. whiteness is always intruding and so i think eng is helpful here to making it visible again.

this essay isn’t a callout or actual cancellation or anything like that, i do wanna be clear. i guess i just like talking about fantasies, even the embarrassing ones, and where they come from. i think oftentimes in fandom spaces, we write a lot of stories off as idfic, and i think virtually every single one of the stories i referenced to write this fairly uncontroversially fall into that category. but i think calling something an “id” something or the other naturalizes the satisfaction it gives as purely instinctual and unconscious, when i do think there are deeper narratives at play. while i didn’t ever actually reference the base here (sorry), i do think it’s worth talking about how real world power shapes & maintains the superstructure, and thereby our fantasies.

anyway in conclusion, maybe i was the one with sexual brainworms the whole time.

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aion-rsa · 3 years

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15 Best SNES Platformers Ever

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Platformers have long been an entry point for new gamers. Video games may have greatly expanded in scope over the years and now offer so many different genres and experiences that it’s nearly impossible to keep track of them, but that’s actually a big part of the reason why it’s still so much fun to look back at these timeless games where the main objective was often to simply jump from one place to the next.

There is no console that celebrated the brilliance of the platformer better than the Super Nintendo Entertainment System. The SNES may be best known for expanding the adventure and RPG genres, as well as raising a generation’s expectations for video game graphics, but few consoles have come close to rivaling the Super Nintendo’s library of classic platforming titles.

It’s hard to narrow this list down to just 15 games, but from action-based platformers to pure platforming classics, these are the best examples of this timeless genre that the SNES gifted the gaming world.

15. Jelly Boy

Putting you in control of a jelly baby (a candy that is popular in the U.K. and surrounding areas), Jelly Boy was only released in Europe when it debuted in 1994. The game has a colorful aesthetic and some unique platforming elements built around the main character’s ability to transform into a myriad of vehicles, tools, and other objects. Those metamorphoses will be familiar to anyone who has played a Wario Land title or Kirby’s Epic Yarn.

Admittedly, Jelly Boy‘s mechanics can be a little clunky and the controls are deficient compared to some of the later games on this list. Still, you will be hard-pressed to find a more original platformer on the console that isn’t made by Nintendo themselves. You can even play it now via the Nintendo Switch Online service.

14. Demon’s Crest

Released by Capcom in 1994 as the third game featuring the character Firebrand (who debuted in the Ghosts ‘n Goblins series), Demon’s Crest is a forgotten gem in the SNES catalog. It adds some variety to the traditional action-platformer by giving the playable protagonist the ability to fly and shoot fireballs as well as access other upgradeable attacks and maneuvers as their quest rolls along. That feature adds a little Zelda-like adventuring to the mix, and you’ll certainly need those late-game power-ups because this platformer means business.

There are many difficult platformers on this list, but few boast the plethora of boss battles seen in this one. It’s actually similar to Mega Man in terms of its fighting style and jumping requirements, so if you are looking for an alternative to the Blue Bomber that keeps the basics of the genre intact, you’ll have a hard time doing better than Demon’s Crest.

13. Joe & Mac

Joe & Mac is honestly a fairly basic platformer for its era. What gets it onto this list of the best games in that genre, though, is the creativity and execution of its setting.

The game sees you control two different cavemen who rely on basic prehistoric items such as fire, bats, bones, etc. The bosses are pretty cool (dinosaurs are fun for all ages) and the controls hold up well enough that you won’t ever feel like you have to force the avatar into doing something that the interface simply won’t allow for. The game spawned a sequel that was also released on SNES, but the original is unique enough to get the nod here.

12. Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts

Despite what the title may suggest, Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts is actually the third game in the Ghosts ‘n Goblins series. Like the previous games, this classic sees you battle various monsters and bosses that fit the setting nicely. Although the game is maybe a little too action-heavy to get the nod over the SNES’ best platformers, it uses its platforming elements to elevate the entire experience.

The difficulty is insanely high and the sheer amount of sprites on screen at once can lead to some lag that only adds to the frustrations of this arduous journey, but the game has a way of keeping things light and humorous when the frustration sets in. How many other games see the protagonist stripped of their armor, quite literally, when he takes too many hits?

11. Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong’s Double Trouble!

The third installment in the beloved Donkey Kong Country trilogy certainly isn’t hated by many, but it is usually viewed as a step down from the first two games. Whether that has to do with a change in composer for the soundtrack, the inability to play as Donkey or Diddy, or the fact it was released after the Nintendo 64 was on the market, the title’s sometimes mixed reputation often prevents it from being appreciated as a divine platforming experience.

The environments and storytelling in this game are well-executed. If you’re observant, you may even notice that the developers were trying to say something about the sad state of ape habitats and pollution in the wild. Even if you didn’t dive too deep into that surprising bit of social commentary, you’ll likely find that the platforming in this one remains top-notch and that the overall experience remains severely underrated.

10. DoReMi Fantasy: Milon’s DokiDoki Adventure

As the only game on this list that wasn’t initially released outside of Japan, many gamers may not know that DoReMi Fantasy is a whimsical experience that features some of the key elements of Mario and Kirby’s best adventures in terms of gameplay and graphics. Starring a young child whose objective is to reclaim music for the forest, DoReMi utilizes some clever puzzles that may not be unusual for the platformer genre but certainly add to the fun.

The game got a Virtual Console release in North America in 2008, but that’s sadly the best chance many gamers have had in recent years to take a chance on this title. It’s a great example of how people should be more open to experiencing games that weren’t localized the first time around.

9. Donkey Kong Country

Perhaps the most famous game starring Nintendo’s lovable ape, the original Donkey Kong Country was Rare’s first big title for the SNES and practically started their decade-plus long relationship as a second-party developer with the Big N. Tasked with showing off off the console’s pre-rendered graphics system, the crew from Britain proved to be up to the task. Honestly, this game still looks halfway decent in 2021.

While the actual platforming is not as good as the Super Mario games on the SNES, it offered a different flavor of jumping that is still very much appreciated. The “weight” of Donkey Kong and Diddy means that the platforming is less flighty than in Super Mario games, and the rideable animal buddies you encounter along the way add a little flair to the experience.

8. ActRaiser

As a game that serves as both an action-platformer and a God simulator, this underrated and forgotten gem from Enix and developer Quintet showed off the visual and audio capabilities of the SNES in the early days of the console. You play as the “Master” who is tasked with building towns around the world and fending off the evils that threaten them. It’s hard to juggle two completely different genres like that, but ActRaiser finds a great balance.

The game was re-released for the Wii Virtual Console in 2007 but has otherwise been paid little attention in the years since its release. That’s unfortunate because there aren’t many games from 30 years ago that provide this much depth and versatility. Both parts of the experience are extremely solid in their own right, and together add up to become something truly special.

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7. Kirby Super Star

Even the most ardent Kirby fans would probably agree that the franchise can get a little stale at times. There are only so many ways Kirby can suck an enemy up, transform his powers to match theirs, and ultimately defeat King Dedede. That’s why Kirby Super Star is still arguably the best game that the pink cutie pie has ever starred in.

Featuring eight different games within the game, the genre-mixing in this one is really off the charts. There are racing elements, adventure tones, and shooting sequences amongst the different sections of the playthrough. The experience was so beloved that it was eventually remade for the Nintendo DS as Kirby Super Star Deluxe. There is something for everyone in this package, and it shows the best parts of Kirby’s history.

6. Mega Man X

The original run of NES Mega Man titles are arguably still more famous than all of the others, but Mega Man X just has more of what makes those games great. It retains the eight bosses and weapon upgrades that can be completed/acquired in whatever order the player chooses, and it even has that same incredible soundtrack that the Blue Bomber’s adventures are always famous for.

Mega Man X‘s graphical upgrades admittedly take some of that eight-bit nostalgia out of the experience, but the game ultimately makes up for it by offering new gameplay experiences. Jumping on walls and acquiring upgrades to defensive maneuvers gives Mega Man an even more badass skillset, and the game generally does an excellent job of emphasizing the “platforming” parts of its action-platformer mix.

5. Super Castlevania 4

Super Castlevania 4 is actually a kind of soft remake of the original game, and the developers at Konami did a great job of making that game more digestible for newcomers while keeping all of the iconic elements from the classic NES title.

The Castlevania basics are all here (you still control Simon Belmont, equipped with his famous whip and ax, and battle through the game’s 11 stages before reaching Dracula), but an ideal mix of combat and platforming makes this one of the most irreplaceable platformers in the SNES catalog. It’s still an airtight action-platformer experience in 2021.

4. Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest

The second game in the DKC trilogy took all of the best parts of the first title and refined them to create a truly unique platforming game that was a lot more than fancy graphics (a reputation the original game has had a hard time shaking). Diddy’s Kong Quest expanded upon the game design that fans loved while keeping the jungle hijinx, masterful soundtrack, and weighted platforming intact.

That last part is what truly separates the middle installment of this franchise from the other two. Many people have said that these games were sometimes more style than substance, but after playing through the myriad of environments on display in DKC 2, it becomes clear that this title has endured over the years because its tight mechanics are executed at a high level.

3. Super Metroid

If this list were just a ranking of 2D games or if it encapsulated the entire SNES library regardless of genre, Super Metroid would most likely take the top spot. Alas, this icon of game design settles in the third spot because it isn’t the best example of a “pure platformer.” It’s more of an action/adventure affair, though the game’s platforming elements are still as satisfying now as they were in the 1990s.

What separates this game from so many that have tried to emulate it in the nearly three decades since release is that every ability upgrade and every part of the map fits together with nearly flawless foresight and execution. It’s never a hassle to re-explore a section that you’ve already seen. The game has a masterful flow that is incredibly modern and perhaps even more popular today because of the prominence of this design style on the indie game scene.

2. Super Mario World

With its flawless controls, colorful sprites, cheerful soundtrack, and ageless platforming, Super Mario World is the title that all other 2D games in the genre are still compared to. The extra graphical power of the SNES gave Nintendo the opportunity to expand upon Super Mario Bros. 3‘s best ideas while exploring new concepts that simply weren’t possible before.

That is why this game remains so playable. Super Mario World combines the most enjoyable elements of the NES Super Mario classics and then elevates them to fully realize the world that Miyamoto imagined when this basic concept was created. It still doesn’t make sense to have a plumber jumping on top of turtles and occasionally getting lost inside of a house full of ghosts (those damn Boo mansions still haunt me), but when you combine this much creativity into one package, you have no choice but to admit how special it all is.

1. Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island

Shigeru Miyamoto and his team knew that it was futile to try and surpass Super Mario World simply by emulating it. So when developing the sequel, they made the decision to craft an entirely different type of platformer in which Mario isn’t even the main protagonist. The concept was bold, but the execution needed to be flawless if the game was ever going to be more than another disappointing follow-up.

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It’s safe to say Yoshi’s Island exceeded all expectations. Putting Yoshi at the forefront of a platformer that included mini-games, evasion, puzzle-solving, item collection, and the most timeless color palette in gaming history was brilliance personified. Yoshi’s Island is not as famous as its older sibling, but its daring creativity and irreplaceable charm have inspired many to argue that it is the better game in retrospect. Whatever your opinion is, the fun and escapism of the green dinosaur’s finest hour (as well as the horrors of Baby Mario’s screams) will be remembered until the end of gaming.

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bustyasianbeautiespod · 1 year

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Episode 46 Transcript: Will They or Won't They? (They Will But They Shouldn't Have)

[intro guitar music]

G: Hello, my name is Grey.

C: And my name is Crystal.

G: And this is Busty Asian Beauties, the Supernatural commentary podcast where I, someone who has seen this show several times…

C: And I, someone who only knows the show through social media, discuss every single episode of Supernatural from start to finish. Also, we are both Asian.

G: Both Asian! For today's episode, we will be discussing Season 3, Episode 2: “The Kids are Alright,” written by Sera Gamble-

C: Something wrong with that woman.

G: - directed by Phil Sgriccia. [both laugh] Okay, we're doing the new thing, right, where we talk about the episode before and after we discuss it. So-

C: Yeah.

G: - our before thoughts are: this episode is absolutely fucking hilarious. [C laughs] Everything about it- like, it's fun. It's funny. And like, I say fun, not good, because it's not good. But oh my god, it's so fucking funny! It's truly something.

C: How does Sera Gamble think genes work?

G: [laughs] Sera Gamble did not pay attention-

C: - in biology.

G: In biology. I don't even know what grade level you discuss this shit, but you do discuss it. Were they discussing this like, back in the eighties? I don't even know.

C: Oh, right, what were biology classes like?

G: Have we considered genetics? Have we known genetics for that long? [laughing] Maybe we haven't. Maybe we haven't. Maybe that's why.

C: Maybe.

G: God. One, that. Two, we get some delicious, delicious Samruby this episode-

C: Yeah.

G: - and oh my god, I am so taken by it, so. We'll get into it. We'll discuss it when we get there. But the two things about this episode are Dean [both laugh] and Lisa and Ben and Samruby, and both parts are actually incredibly fun, and I was- this was the first episode where I wasn't like, booing in a while. Like, I wasn't like sitting there angrily watching. I was actually like, going like, "Whoo! Yeah! Whoo!" you know, I was cheering. I was clapping. It was fun. It was a fun watch. Let's see if it's a fun discussion.

C: Yeah. I think my experience was, I actually quite liked a lot of elements of the case because I like family horror but every time Dean was on screen- What did I say on Discord to you?

G: I think you- wait, I'm gonna read it. Let's read that shit.

C: Oh. "I don't know if it's just lack of sleep, but I can barely stand looking at Dean's face in this ep like I just want to cave his skull in with my boot and hear it squish."

G: Noo. I actually agree. Like, I would say in the first couple of minutes, I agreed tremendously. Like, it was unbearable to watch Dean.

C: Yeah.

G: But then, after a while, it's like, "No, it's fine. He's okay."

C: Also like, why was he like, ugly this episode?

G: It's because- oh, here's another thing that I think we need to get out of the way. The lighting in this episode sucks so bad.

C: Oh, okay.

G: What is wrong? Like-

C: But Sam looks good the whole time.

G: Well, that's true because he's Sam. [laughs] And because he's having his- his like, hot demon summer is about to begin. That's why he looks hot. But the lighting this episode looks like it could be in- what's that episode? "What Is and What Should Never Be"? Like, it could have been from that episode, and you wouldn't know a difference. Like, I think I've told you this last season, right? Like, the lighting in season 3, this is where it becomes wonky. And season 2 really is the last season with good lighting, like, the way we think of Supernatural early seasons type of good kind of lighting. So bye-bye, extremely dark Supernatural. I was shocked because I'm used to, when I watch Supernatural, having to put my brightness all the way up. And I did that this episode and I was like, "It's too bright." [laughs]

C: Yeah.

G: So yeah.

So before we get into the episode, Crystal, what did you know about it before watching it?

C: Yeah. So I knew that this was the Lisa episode, that Dean just fucking shows up at her house looking for a hookup, even though they haven't seen each other for years, and that he meets her son then, who Dean thinks is his because he likes rock music and hits on girls. Also that like, he likes Lisa a lot because she was very bendy, and he's like, doing his death wish tour. I also knew about the phrase “Best night of my life Dean,” which makes me gag and throw up.

G: What?

C: "Best night of my life Dean" [G gags] when the two women were gossiping. He is not good at sex. Sorry, I just know. I just know in my heart that he isn't. And also, I knew that we'd get a scene of Sam and Ruby meeting in a cafe and her eating fries. So yeah.

G: Yeah. I mean, that's pretty much it, though. I mean, the case actually is very interesting this episode, so I'm surprised you don't know anything about the case. This is a case that I remember very well because of that scene with the water, blah blah blah.

C: Yeah.

G: It was- that imprinted in my brain the first time I watched this episode. I was like, "Oh, okay. Cool!"

C: Cool.

G: Cool! Anyway, let's start.

C: Alright.

G: We start off in like, a suburban household. Like, quite rich-looking type household, and like a woman, is waiting by her door, and she's waiting for-

C: She doesn't get a name this entire episode.

G: Oh my god, for real?

C: Right? It's so weird.

G: She's just "Mom"?

C: She's just Mom, but she looks a lot like Fiona Apple at certain angles, so I called her Fiona in my mind the whole time. [G laughs]

G: That's so real. She's waiting for her daughter because apparently, it's like- they're divorced. Like, she's divorced with the girl's dad, and like, it's a whole like, "She's supposed to sleep there for the night, but she was complaining, so he had to take her back home" kind of deal. And, you know, the girl was very, like, "There are monsters in Dad's house! I don't want to be there anymore! just want to stay with you, Mommy!" Like, you know, that kind of thing. And afterwards, we go to the dad's house, and he's a wood worker, and [laughing] I remember thinking-

C: Yeah, top ten horror movie occupation.

G: - I remember thinking, "Damn, he's a woodworker. Maybe that's why she left." [both laugh] And I don't even know what that means, but I thought it was an incredibly funny thought. [C laughs] He's a woodworker, and he's about to leave his workroom when the power saw starts churning. I don't know what it's called. Moving? I don't know. Gets turned on.

C: Turning or- something.

G: And then yeah, and then he like, turns it off, and he goes out, and it turns on again. And then, while he's checking on it, he gets shoved into it, and then he dies.

C: Yes.

G: It's actually quite brutal. I was like, [gasps]. I gasped when it happened.

C: This is very cool. Because, like, he just falls backwards on it, [G gasps] and then you see it like, sticking up out of his chest and continuing to whir. Hot.

G: And while it was whirring- it was whirring, right? And then he, like, gets pushed back a little because it's like supposed to do that, right? when it's moving- like, it's supposed to move what's being sawed. And I was like, "That's actually pretty cool." So yeah. Special effects still going strong in Supernatural

C: Right, yeah. There's a scene in Freaky, the thing that Kathryn Newton is in, where someone is killed using a circular, like, saw as well, but like specifically, like she starts at the head, and then she pushes the guy all the way through, so he gets cut like right in half. It's very fun. Okay. [laughs] Anyway. Oh, and that guy is played by Connor Roy Succession! That's an important part.

G: Oh my god! That's so real. Connor Roy should get sawed in half.

C: Very cathartic.

G: Not only is this a Supernatural podcast, this is also a Freaky starring Kathryn Newton podcast. [C laughs] Before everything, what happened here? Like, based- 'cause this is not a ghost. The monsters are changelings. They're like, physical beings. How they do this?

C: I mean, they just shoved the guy, and we didn't- the camera work prevented us from seeing their hands.

G: Is that- is that what happened?

C: I assume so.

G: Damn. Alright. If you say so. [both laugh]

C: But yeah, you're right that there's some inconsistency. Because Katie also tells her mom that she doesn't like staying at her dad's because he's mean-

G: No! That was because, like, they did this whole thing, right, where it's like, "Anyone who gets in the way of food, aka mommy, and the kid gets killed."

C: Wait, I thought she wasn't swapped out until that night.

G: No, I think she was swapped out by then, and she was like, "I want to go back home because I need to feed."

C: Oh, okay. That makes sense.

G: Yeah. So...

C: Yeah. Alright. So we're at some cafe/diner thing, and Sam is there on his laptop. So he's on the phone with Bobby, like, discussing some kind of demon dispelling ritual. So it's clear that he's still trying to get Dean out of the deal. He has this oldass translation technology pulled up. That's fun. But then Dean shows up, and Sam's automatically like, "Oh, I'm not doing anything. What? No, I am- I'm ordering a pizza. [laughs] Even though I'm sitting in a restaurant." Yeah, he's so bad at lying.

G: He is.

C: Like, why is he not better at lying by now?

G: He is. I don't know. I think lying is an essential skill, and the fact that Sam has not developed it- I don't know. I will not armchair psychology this guy, but like [laughs], it's just so incredibly funny to me that he has not developed the art of lying.

C: Yeah. I guess, like, I've developed the art of lying because I lie to my parents all the time, but my sister doesn't ever. And like, she gets yelled at a lot because of it, but like, she still doesn't do it because she's like, “Whatever, they'll get over it.” So maybe he never developed it because he would always tell John the truth because he liked pissing John off or something. [laughs]

G: No, really. Like, yeah.

C: Yeah.

G: Do you think Sam is a people pleaser? Because that's where I was going with it. Like, if you're a people pleaser, you would be more prone to lying is like, what I was thinking. So I was thinking like, "Maybe Sam is just not that kind of guy." And like, he is that kind of guy sometimes to Dean, but I think that's only to Dean. Like, he's a different person for other people.

C: Well, yeah, I mean, I think that he tries to be polite.

G: Yeah, but that's different.

C: Yeah, right. So he fakes sincerity, and sometimes he lies about that. But yeah, I think that he doesn't know how to lie for anything other than trying to be polite. [G laughs]

G: Real. Go, Sam.

C: Yeah. The only lying he can do is like, faking sympathy for someone's husband's death.

G: Yeah, the only lying he can do is manipulating his face into something that looks like puppy dog eyes.

C: Yeah. What a king.

Yeah, so Dean calls Sam "Weirdy Mcweirderton" and then says, like, "Oh, like, I totally have a case in Cicero, Indiana. It's some guy who fell on his power saw. That's totally a case. Uh-huh." And Sam questions this, and Dean's like, “Okay, fine. Fine. [mock "bro" voice] I don't actually want to go to Cicero, Indiana to save people. I want to go there for some pussy, bro!” [G laughs] So yeah, so apparently, Lisa Braeden lives in Cicero, Indiana. And, okay, this is actually a very interesting lore, like, thing about Sam and Dean's life, because apparently, eight years ago-

G: Yeah.

C: Sam and John were finishing up a hunt alone, and then Dean went on a road trip, like specifically, he wanted to go to five states and five days.

G: What an interesting guys.

C: And, like, yeah, I would have liked this episode if there were like, some flashbacks incorporated, maybe.

G: Damn, yeah.

C: Because that's very interesting. [G laughs] I wonder what it was like to have Sam and John, like, alone, finishing up a hunt. Eight years ago, Sam would have been like, fifteen, and Dean would have been nineteen?

G: Yeah, nineteen/twenty. That age.

C: Yeah. Right. So I wonder if this was like, sort of Dean's birthday gift to himself or something. Like, “I'm like, twenty now, so that's a big deal."

G: "Let's party, baby!"

C: Yeah, "I deserve to have some time to myself or whatever." Yeah.

G: Fascinating to me that he was like- well, I mean he didn't do it because he stayed with Lisa for most of that five days, but like, fascinating to me that he was like, "You know how I would like to have a good time? It's by driving, when my entire life has been spent on the road."

C: Yeah. Like, do you not do five states, five days like, every day, Dean?

G: Yeah.

C: Yeah. I do like that he wanted to do a road trip on his little independent jaunt. I guess- is the freedom just not having to take care of Sam or John during the road trip?

G: Yeah, maybe it's the being alone that's good.

C: Right. Oh, maybe- because, okay, Dean got Baby when he [G gasps] turned- what age?

G: I don't know. I think it was when John left the last time.

C: Oh, okay.

G: So maybe he didn't bring Baby this time,

C: I mean, he didn't drive the monster truck on his road trip, though, I'm assuming. Like, John had to-

G: They probably had other cars.

C: Yeah, okay, right. It would have been nice if it was like, he got Baby, and he was like, "Okay, I'm gonna go on a trip now with her." But yeah, you're right. I think that doesn't match up with the timeline.

G: Yeah.

C: Okay, right. I would like to know more about this specific thing, because Dean like, never leaves the family, and Sam and John alone is not a good combination. Ugh. Poor Sam, like, fifteen years old, on a case alone with John. Ugh. Alright.

Yeah, so Dean says that "Yeah, I didn't make those five states because I spent most of my time in Lisa Braeden's loft." Because apparently she was a yoga teacher, and it was "the bendiest weekend of his life." [G laughs] And he also tells Sam that this is his "dying wish." He's fucking unbearable.

G: This is the part where I was like, "I completely understand why Crystal wanted to crush this guy's skull. He is kind of annoying."

C: Yeah, I don't- he's just doing this weird little smirk thing the whole time that just gets on my fucking nerves. [G laughs]

G: It's his face, his mannerisms, his everything, yeah.

C: His everything. Right. And, you know, Sam very rightfully is like, "You're getting a lot of dying wishes right now, Dean." And he's like, "Uh-huh!" And then he says, "I'm gonna be smiling after 24 hours with Gumby girl."

G: I don't- I don't know what that means. Did you look it up?

C: Yeah, so there's like a show called Gumby where the main character is like this clay, like green little figurine, so it's like a very stretchy guy.

G: Damn.

C: Yeah. And then yeah, and then Dean says, "Gumby girl. Does that make me Pokey?" And I thought that Pokey was just like-

G: A character.

C: - a word for like, hard? You know, like, when say, like, "they poked me," and that like means that they had sex with you using their penis. But yeah, I guess Pokey is a character from Gumby, and he was not just going like, "Huh. Am I hard now thinking about this?"

G: Ew! Ew! Crystal! Eww!

C: That's genuinely what I thought was happening! I didn't know that Pokey was a character! [G laughs]

G: Alright. So they do this scene where like [C laughs], Dena drops Sam off a motel-

C: - And locks him in a bank vault. [G laughs]

G: Exactly. No. This time, he drops Sam off at a motel, and while Sam is getting his stuff, like, Dean is just driving off. You know, he's like in a rush.

C: Yeah.

G: He's so fucking annoying. But like, it's a funny scene. So it's fine. Anyway, we go to a house. Dean knocks.

C: How does he know where she lives? Is it phone books? Do phone books have addresses?

G: It would be wild if she still stayed at the same place.

C: Yeah. It would be wild if, as like, a nineteen year old, or whatever she was, she was a homeowner.

G: [overlapping] She had this house. Yeah. But Dean knows where she lives. Creep behavior, I would say. And he knocks, and Lisa opens the door, and is like, "Oh my god, Dean!" And they do this whole like, thing where Dean is like, "Eh-heh. I'm so fucking good at flirting, and this girl and I are gonna have sex for real." [C laughs] And Lisa's just like, "Bad time, dude. I don't want to be here."

C: "Why the fuck are you here?"

G: "Why are you here? What are you doing here?" And then, you know, Dean is just like, "I was just passing through. I know you love surprises." [C laughs] He's so annoying! But it's so funny.

C: What surprises could he given her in the space of five days?

G: Yeah. Anyway, Lisa says like, they're having a party, and Dean's like, "Oh, I love a party." [G laughs, C groans]

C: What is wrong with him? Take a fucking hint! [G laughing] Also, like, Lisa is like, gorgeous, and Dean's very ugly this episode [G laughs]. So like, I think my first note for this scene is, you know that K-pop tweet, where like, some girl like, has herself on a fake date with a K-pop guy, and someone quote retweeted with just like, "You're so beautiful, and he's so ugly." Like, my brain the entire time.

G: [laughs] No. Yeah. Anyway, they come in, and it's like, “Who's the party for?” And Lisa says, "Oh, it's for Ben, my son." Also, before this, they have this whole thing where it's like, "How long has it been?" And Dean is like, “It's been eight years going on nine years,” and that's like, foreshadowing. So Dean goes in, and it's like, “Oh, I have a kid named Ben." Lisa points at the kid, and the kid is literally opening a [C laughs] AC/DC CD or tape or something. [both laughing] And it's like, so we're supposed to be like- Also, he's wearing a very similar outfit with Dean.

C: Yeah.

G: And so we're supposed to think like, “Oh my god, that's his fucking son!” [C groans] Because he's wearing the same outfit.

C: I- what does Sera Gamble think is genetic? [G laughs] Does she think music taste is genetic?

G: It's so funny. [C sighs] It's so funny.

C: It is hilarious,

G: And also, we'll get into it when we get into it, but this kid is quite concerning as a child. [laughs]

C: Yeah, no, like I- [sighs] Who are the influences in his life that are doing this to him?

G: Yeah! Who are the influence in your life- and the way Lisa was like, "Hey, don't beat up that kid" like, suggests that she is a good mother.

C: Yeah.

G: And like, Ben, how would you think your mom would think if she heard you say "bitch" like, about people? Come on, Ben. [deepens voice] "You know what's- you know what's good about parties? [C screams] There's a lot of chicks in here. [C screams more]" And it's like, Ben, you are eight years old, buddy.

C: You are eight years old.

G: I have a sister who's turning seven, and I don't think she even knows the word "bitch."

C: No.

G: Yeah. Like, come on.

C: Come on,

G: Anyway, Dean asks how old the kid is, and Lisa goes, "He's eight." Ooh!

And yeah, Lisa sees a guest come in, and the guest is the mom from earlier and her kid. And so she excuses herself while Dean-

C: Yeah, and Phil Sgriccia does it so that she's like, walking at the camera, and like you get a cleavage shot for a second.

G: [laughs] Yeah. Phil is, you know. He has priorities. He said, "Lighting? We don't give a fuck. But, you know, a shot where she's walking towards the camera and we can see her cleavage, amazing." [laughs]

C: Right. "We blew the entire lighting budget on paying Cindy Sampson extra to let us do this cleavage shot." [G laughs]

G: Yeah, exactly.

C: So like, while Dean's looking at the cake, we hear like, these two women on lawn chairs start gossiping, and I- [sighs].

G: Horrible.

C: Sera Gamble presumably knows women in her life [G laughs], is a woman in her own life, has had conversations with women in her life-

G: [laughing] - with other women, yeah.

C: What is prompting this kind of writing? So yeah, so the women are like, [gossipy tone] “Oh my god, did you hear her say 'Dean'? Like, oh my god, like, that's Dean. You don't know about Dean? The- they're literally talking like this. The Dean? 'Best night of my life' Dean?" I- What- what-? He's not good at sex, you guys. [G laughs] Like, I know it. I just-

G: [laughs] He has never fucked in his-

C: All his sex has been a one-night stand. Like, you don't get- 'cause every person is different, like, you don't get time like, understanding what people like in that short amount of time. You don't get good at communication and like, emotional openness during sex in that amount of time.

G: Well, maybe they just matched really well. How about that? What if they were a very good match?

C: Yeah. God.

G: Also, I feel like, you know, she's a yoga instructor, and she's very bendy. Cool. What is Dean offering?

C: Yeah, what is Dean offering?

G: Dean has never stretched in his life. What is he offering?

C: Yeah, the only bits of like, Dean having sex that we've seen are in "Route 666," where, like, Cassie was doing a great job, I don't know what he was contributing, besides lying there and looking pretty, and then [laughing] when he was jogging in place in the window-

G: And going, "Whoo-hoo!"

C: [laughing] And going "Whoo-hoo!" Ugh. Maybe Lisa, just like, has a Mario kink, and like, Dean, was the only one who was willing to make video game jumping sounds the whole time during sex. [laughs]

G: Yeah.

C: Yeah, okay. And then she says something very concerning. She says they had this "crazy, semi-illegal"- blah-blah-blah.

G: Yeah. What does that mean?

C: Right, what does that-? So my first thought is like, "How old is Lisa supposed to be?" 'Cause Dean's twenty by now, so like, he's not the one who's like, recently, like, not legal anymore. So I was like, "Okay, so maybe Lisa was like, just eighteen." And then I looked it up, and the age of consent in Indiana is sixteen. So.

G: Well, I hope she didn't become a mother that early.

C: Yeah. Yeah.

G: That would have been very difficult for her.

C: Also, what kind of sixteen-year-old can be a yoga instructor? [laughs] Don't you need licenses for that?

G: [laughs] No, I think this was like, trespassing kind of semi-illegal,

C: But he said that he spent most of the time in her loft, so.

G: Yeah, maybe she didn't own it. [laughs]

C: Yeah, sure, okay. Yeah. 'Cause my second thought was like, trans Lisa and sodomy laws, but then Indiana got rid of those in 1976, so it's not that either. So yeah, probably just trespassing.

I think that trans Lisa is the best interpretation of this entire episode. Like Dean's like, "Is that mine?" And she's like, "No. I watched that biker dude carry him to term." [G laughing]

G: Dean was just not paying attention.

C: Dean was just not paying attention. He was just so fucked out that, like, he forgot about whatever she had going on down there. Or she had a really good bottom surgeon, and, like, she impregnated that biker guy before she had the bottom surgery. [G laughs]

G: [laughing] It was complicated, you guys.

C: [laughing] It's a really complicated situation, you guys. I will bend the rules of reality to make this work.

Yeah, so Dean comes over and says, “Hi!” And they're all like, [both, in simpering voices] "Hii, Dean."

G: Ew! Ew!

C: "Heyy." What? Ew. Ew.

G: Stop it.

C: Stop!

G: Oh, wait, we have Dean have sex another time.

C: When?

G: With the actress.

C: Oh, yeah.

G: And he seemed pretty decent when that was happening. But we didn't see him have sex, though.

C: Yeah, we just saw her seem happy afterwards.

G: Yeah.

C: Yeah. Well, he was only good because he'd watched her a lot in all her movies, [G laughs] so he sort of knew her by then and what got her responsive. [G laughs]

G: No! Horrible thing.

C: I mean, all of her terrible B movies probably had terrible sex scenes in them at least.

G: Noo.

C: So now we get like, the worst scene that's ever happened in Supernatural. [G laughs]

G: Incredibly funny scene.

C: He wanders over to Ben, who's like, just standing on the side and watching a bouncy house, and like, they have like this like, "What's up?" "What's up with you?" exchange, so it's like, "Look, Ben's a man's man. Like, he understands not being emotionally available." And then, like, there's like a mom and her child that walks by and then the two of them- like Dean checks out the mom and-

G: [laughing] Ben checks out the kid! Noo! No. No.

C: - at the same time. What the fuck. And then they like, eat like, a bite of cake simultaneously and in the same way.

G: That one's cute.

C: Yeah, that one was kinda fun.

G: But that doesn't make him his child!

C: I know! Why does Sera Gamble think-? God. Yeah. So yeah, Dean's like, “Cool birthday party.” And Ben's like, "Dude. It's so freaking sweet. And this moon bounce? It's epic. You know who else thinks they're awesome? [both] Chicks. It's like hot chick city out there." And then like, the little chest slap. I- [sighs] so. So.

G: Eight years old. What grade level is eight years old? Grade two?

C: Two or three?

G: Jesus Christ, man.

C: I- right, so like, this- So like, okay, like, in my short story class in high school, someone- like, this girl was like writing a story about this ten-year-old who has a crush on his babysitter, and she and the teacher, who are both women, were thinking about ways to make the story funny, and they were like “Oh, I think he should knock over a pile of CDs so that she has to bend over to pick them up.” So they're like, talking about this, and then they ask some guy in the class, they're like, “Hey, you're a man. Like, if you were a ten-year-old who had a crush on your babysitter, what would you do? Would the CD thing be something?” And he just looked at them, and he was like "Dude, no. He's ten." [laughs] And that is my entire feeling about this. Like, dude, no. He's eight. I feel like a lot of people just think that, like, men and boys are just-

G: Yeah.

C: - extremely sexual beings, like, all the time, and that this starts at a super early age, which is why people look at like like male, like, babies, and go like, "Look at that ladykiller!"

G: Yeah, "He's such a womanizer." Like, fuck off, dude.

C: Yeah, like, you're being fucking weird! Like, this isn't how children are!

G: Yeah, leave the kids alone.

C: Leave the kids alone. Let the kids be alright.

G: Yeah.

C: And I feel like Sera Gamble is very guilty of this.

G: Wait, were you like, in an all girls school? What's your deal?

C: No.

G: No? So like, you were exposed to being with boys in third and second grade.

C: Yeah.

G: They did not-

C: I mean, I did learn what boobs were by second-grade boys talking about them on Kim Possible, so sometimes, boys can be sort of like this [laughs], but-

G: I don't- [sighs] Yeah. My first recollection of like, boys being assholes is- you know, assholes as in this kind, you know, is like, fourth grade. So like, I don't- I don't know. Maybe we're just in a more conservative environment. [laughs] Maybe it was the Catholic school vibe.

C: That's true. Yeah. So like, I'm not saying no boys could be like this, but like, I feel like those guys were clearly posturing.

G: I think that's more of an environment, you know.

C: Yeah, that too.

G: It's not something you inherit. That's not something you inherit.

C: The boys in my second grade classes had YouTube. Ben doesn't have YouTube. I don't know where he would be getting any of this from.

G: Yeah, like who is he talking to?

C: Like, he's not on the iPad. Who is he talking to? Right like, the only theory I could come up with is like, well, Lisa says that she has like, a type for like, biker guys, so like maybe she had a few like, temporary boyfriends that Ben picked up cues from, and they weren't very good. But I feel like Lisa like at least said that like, after she became a parent, she re-prioritized. So I don't think that the biker guys were around then if she was sleeping with them. So yeah, I don't know where he'd be getting all of this.

G: Yeah. Sad! Well, there's other kids. [both laughing]

C: Changeling Ben was an improvement. [G laughs]

G: Exactly.

C: So Ben literally goes, “Look out, ladies! Here comes trouble!” And then goes into the bouncy house. And it's like, if I was a mother of a daughter and I knew this kid, I wouldn't let that child go to this kid's birthday party. [laughs] If like, this is what he's like all the time and like, they've been over for playdates so the moms know what the kid is like. How does he have guests at his birthday party?

G: I don't know.

C: Did Lisa have to bribe them? Like, this kid should be friendless. [G laughs]

G: It's just- It's so concerning- like, I don't know. The whole time I was watching this, I was like, "I'm worried."

C: Yeah.

G: 'Cause, again, like, I have, like, you know, kids, I have kids in my life. So like, what even goes on? What is the reality of the situation? I think maybe a part of it is that in the Philippines, we are just beginning to have face-to-face classes again, so my little sister has never had a face-to-face class.

C: Aww.

G: She's about to start tomorrow! Hee! Anyway. Maybe that's why my little sister's very like, unaware of these kinds of things. But I would now worry, like, what are they learning? Like, what is she gonna learn when she goes to school? I'm becoming that kind of like, helicopter parent. [C laughs]

C: Yeah. I get it. So- wait, okay, there's like, this zoom-in on Dean’s face where he's like-

G: The "Oh, shit," yeah yeah yeah.

C: - the doing math inside your head sort of thing. But he just looks like he's genuinely grieving, honestly.

G: [laughing] Noo.

C: Or maybe that was just me projecting. [laughs]

G: Okay, so back to Lisa, who is now talking to the mother that we were saying earlier didn't have a name. And she, the mother, is, you know, quite- she looks not alright, which is understandable, because her ex-husband just died. And Lisa is asking like, "How are you?" blah blah blah. She was about to say something, and she goes, "Never mind." Lisa presses, and then she goes, “Oh, I think my daughter is different. Like, I think this is not my daughter.” And of course, this is a very alarming thing to hear, to say, everything. And so Lisa is like, “I know you're grieving, but you can't speak like that. We're gonna get you help. It's gonna be fine.”

C: Yeah. Lisa's very likable here.

G: Yeah, Lisa's very likable.

C: I think that Lisa is a very likable character in general. She is a member of the Andreaverse, but she does feel more real than most of the women Sera Gamble writes.

G: Yeah. She- [laughs] Now I'm thinking about the fact that she saw her imitation son like, just like glow into a burn-

C: [laughing] And immediately-

G: - and she was like, "Let me give you a kiss, Dean!" [C screams] And like, girl.

C: My god.

G: At least they have history, innit? Like, at least they have history, so like, it's understandable

The mom gets offended that Lisa reacted like that, and so she takes her kid and goes out. And then Dean comes in, and is like, “Oh, hey. You know, just wondering [C laughs]... you know, he's turning eight. You and me, eight years ago... So..." And Lisa is like, "You're not asking me if he's yours, aren't you?" And Dean's like, "[scoffs] No, not at all. [pause] Is he though?" [both laughing] And Lisa is like, very startled, slams the oven. And she goes, "No." And Dean's like, "Okay, okay, right, yeah." And then he notices, you know, what's going on with Katie and her mom, and he's like, "Oh, what's wrong with your friend over there?" And this is where the exposition starts. She's been through a lot, blah blah blah, and Lisa says there's been a lot of bad luck in the neighborhood lately, not just with the power saw, 'cause apparently, other things have also been happening in the neighborhood that never even made it to the paper.

C: Yeah. Okay, also, like, while this is happening, Dean looks out at Ben, and he has this girl backed against a pole-

G: Yeah! Ew!

C: He has like, one hand on the wall, he's like leaning at her and talking.

G: Noo. Ew!

C: Like, imagine being a child actor directed to do these things.

G: [laughing] Exactly.

C: I would die on the spot.

G: [laughing] Ugh, I hate this so much.

C: Yeah.

G: 'Cause like, I had a grade school boyfriend [C laughing], and he would do this to me [C screams], and I hated it every single time. I was like, "Get away from me. Stop cornering me against the wall. I hope you die." [C laughing] I hated that guy so much. Like, I fucking hated him. And- God. I don't know why. Yeah.

C: God. Yeah.

G: Recently- we talked recently, and he told me like, he still prays for me, [laughing] which is so funny! [C screams] So that my uh- that's my puppy love experience.

C: "Dear God in heaven, [G laughing] let me back Grey against the wall again. Thank you, amen."

G: Amen. [laughs]

C: Oh, god. So now we get back to Sam, who looks so good this episode. 'Cause we start on him on his laptop, and it's just his hands, and his sleeves are rolled up-

G: This diner looks exactly like the diner we saw at the beginning that for a second I was like, "Wait, they're back to where they came from? What happened?" And apparently, it's a different diner.

C: That's true. Yeah, right, because they're in Indiana now, but I feel like it is the same set.

G: Yeah, they literally reused the set. They were like, "Sam, sit on the other side." They were like, "Jared, you know what we could do to make this set look different is you sit on the opposite booth." [C laughing] And Jared was like, "Yeah, very cool, bro."

C: Yeah. "Great direction."

G: And then Phil Sgriccia was like, "You're not gonna be that kind of actor, are you?" [both laughing] Wait, do you know about that one?

C: No, wait, what is that?

G: No, because, like, apparently Bob Singer- Robert Singer- every time an actor asked him about a directing choice, he would respond, “You're not gonna be that kind of actor, are you?”

C: Noo! [laughs]

G: Yeah. And he did it to Jensen, he did it to Misha, he did it to Rob Benedict.

C: Huh.

G: Which is so funny. Robert Singer was- you're literally a director, Robert. [both laughing] Maybe he hates his job.

C: Yeah.

G: And you know what? It shows. [both laugh]

C: Every one of those zooms was a cry for help. It was an attempt to get himself fired.

G: Exactly.

C: So yeah, Sam's doing research. And then someone sits across from him.

G: Whoo!

C: And it's Ruby!

G: Oh my god.

C: Oh my god.

G: She is so pretty! Her hair, the way they style her hair, love it. It's like, very messy, swept to the side. She looks so good. I get that like, Ruby 2.0 was played by Jared's eventual wife, and so they had insane chemistry, and that's why people like them more. But I think I'm beginning to like Ruby 1.0 a lot more.

C: More? Mmm, alright.

G: No? Am I wrong?

C: I mean, maybe I will end up liking Ruby 1.0 more. But yeah, I mean Ruby 1.0 doesn't have any blood drinking scenes, so.

G: [sighs] Honestly, I'll be honest with you-

C: [crestfallen] Noo! What are you gonna say? [G laughs]

G: No! No! No! [laughing]

C: You don't like the blood-drinking?

G: [laughing] No! I'm going to say, like, while watching this scene with Ruby in the diner, all I could think of was, "Imagine if they were endgame." And you, like, you crawl back to where they started, and it's the last scene we saw her in, and it's this scene. Like, how fucking amazing would that have been?

C: Yeah.

G: So like, I'm getting really attached, but like, attached in a way where I'm like, delusional that they're gonna be endgame. [both laugh]

C: You guys Ruby doesn't die at the end of season 4, I prommy.

G: She doesn't die at the end of season 4; she never betrays Sam, and if she did, she comes back in season 6 and has a redemption arc about it, and they fall in love for realsies. [C laughs] That's my- that's my hot take. That's my prediction of where Supernatural is going.

C: I think she should stay evil forever and betray him forever, and they should still be endgame. [laughs]

G: Oh my god, yes! [C laughs] They should like, be like the most toxic-ass "will they, won't they; they will, but they shouldn't have"-type relationship.

C: Yeah. I agree.

C: So she is here, and there is this dramatic zoom in on Sam, and I think like, at this point I was like, "Who directed this?" But it was Phil.

G: [laughs] Yeah.

C: Yeah. So she's been following him since Lincoln, Nebraska, and she is just being very like, “I'm cool. I'm a cool girl, and I'm cool and mysterious-"

G: And she is! She is!

C: And she is, though, is the thing. She is. So she starts like, taking his fries and eating them. She's like, “These are amazing. It's like deep-fried crack! Try some.” I love the boldness of saying “try some” while eating someone else's food that they paid for with their fake credit card. Like, so true, Ruby.

So yeah, they have an exchange where Sam asks about the demon knife, she calls him a damsel in distress-

G: Yee! How romantic.

C: - yeah, so true- and won't tell him where she got it. She does this thing where she like, takes the ketchup bottle and squeezes like, a veritable ocean of ketchup into a plate. And then, when you see her using ketchup on the fries, she like, will dab the tiniest little corner of ketchup on each bite, so like, there's no reason that she needed to squeeze that much ketchup out. Sorry, I get really mad at people who overdo it on the ketchup and then have to throw it all away afterwards. Like, measure it out better, folks. So-

G: She's a demon! She's excused.

C: Yeah. So Sam asks why she's following him, and she says, “I'm interested in you.”

G: Ooh!

C: He says, "Why?" She says, "Because you're tall. I love a tall man."

G: Exactly. Me too, buddy.

C: Yeah. And then she says, “Well, there's also the whole Antichrist thing,” And Sam's very shocked that she knows about all this, but she's like, "Yeah, like, I know about the psychic kids and the yellow-eyed demon and all of that because I'm a good hunter." And I do think that- I am glad that they- that the jig is up on that by the end of this episode because I think that her performance is like-

G: Very demonic? [laughs]

C: Yeah, it's very unsettling and demonic and such, so they could not have strung this out for longer. But I can also see why you would believe her in the first place.

G: She could have just been a very cool hunter.

C: Yeah. Just very, very cool. Yeah, so she says, like, "Okay, like, I know that he's dead now, so his plans for you may be sort of moot, but you're still special. You're a pretty big deal, after all that business with your mom." Dun-dun-dun!

G: Ooh.

C: Sam says, "What about my mom?" and Ruby is like, "Well, I should have asked her last night. Ayy!" [G laughs] But yeah. So she says that, you know, "Something happened with her friends. Oh, you don't know about that? Well, you have a little bit of catching up to do, my friend." And then she starts writing her phone number on his palm, which is like, so cool and sexy of her. [both] Yeah.

G: I need to do that. Like, I need to meet someone in like, a party or something and write my number on their palm. And I'll be like, "That was a Supernatural reference," [both laugh] and they never call me back.

C: Yeah, exactly.

So she says, like, "You should like, look into your mom's friends and then give me a call. And also, by the way, like, you know that there's a case in this town, right?" And then she just turns and leaves. Because she's so cool and mysterious, [laughs]

G: Ooh.

C: Ooh.

G: And then Dean calls Sam and goes, "Hey. There's a case in this town." Whoo!

C: Whoo!

G: Pretty cool, honestly. Like that.

C: By the way, like, salt bad for demons. Salt on fries. Thoughts?

G: No, nothing. [laughs] I have no thoughts.

C: Okay.

G: No. I don't know. What is the intensity that you should be salted for you to feel the salt.

C: Yeah, I guess I don't know. I feel like probably, the fries are just spicy to her?

G: Yeah, maybe. Yummy.

C: Like, the way pineapple is? It probably adds to the experience.

G: Yeah, it has a bit of a tang.

C: Yeah.

G: It's like ranch dressing. [laughs]

C: Is that tangy?

G: I've never had ranch in my life.

C: [laughing] No! [G laughs]

G: So, who knows?

Anyway, Sam and Dean, still continuing their call. Dean says that, you know, there's lots of people who fall out of ladders and drown in jacuzzis and blah blah blah.

G: So we go to the mom from earlier, and she's sleeping, and she has like a book open, and she's sleeping on the couch. And then she wakes up, and she sits up, and the moment she turns her head, the kid is there, and the kid is going, "I want to play, Mommy! Play with me, Mommy!" And it's like, you know, very creepy. And she's like, "Okay, sure." And then she stands up, and Katie hugs her, and goes like “I love you, too.” But as the mom looks up, she sees in the mirror that Katie is a different person. Like, looks different. I don't know how to describe it. How would you describe it? She's gray.

C: She's like, gray, and her skin looks like raw flesh of shrimp or something. [laughs]

G: Yeah. I'll be- I don't know, maybe I'll cut this off, but like it really frustrates- not frustrates, but like, makes me uncomfortable when, like, something is portrayed as horror, and the way they do it is they alter the skin in this way.

C: Yeah.

G: Because I have a skin disorder, right? And [laughing] sometimes my skin does look like that. I mean, not like this specifically, but like, I- I remember when I was like thirteen, so like, twelve, honestly, like I was twelve, maybe going thirteen, and I was like, in a school bus, and then, like, I was like, half asleep, so I was like, lying my head down like my bag, and like, I could hear the whole bus talking about my skin-

C: Ah, fuck.

G: - going, "What happened to this person? Like, what happened to their skin? Did they get burned?" Like, blah blah blah. And that was like, very eye-opening. It was like, "Oh, okay, this is what people think." And I guess seeing it in horror a lot is also like, "Oh, okay. Cool." Like, I have been told indirectly by people that I look like my skin's been deep-fried. Like, that does things to your psyche, you know? And like, yeah, so seeing it here, like this is the part in the episode where I was like, "I don't want to look at this. I don't want to see this. I don't want to-" blah blah blah. But I understand that it's just part of the genre. It's just whatever.

C: Well, yeah, but it is a problem-

G: But I guess this is the part where I tell people that, like, ableism in horror is a thing, and you should like, pay attention in what is portrayed as scary, and what you perceive as scary, because, like, some of these things are actual traits that actual people have. So yeah.

C: Yeah.

G: Wow, what a tangent.

C: But you're right, though.

G: But I felt like it was very important. I'm right, though. [laughs]

C: You're right, though.

G: And like, I think it's better to hear it from me than like, you know.

Anyway, the mom gets freaked out by this because, like, "Oh, no!" She already thinks that it's not her child, and then she sees this, and she's like, "Okay, this sucks." Yeah. And she goes-

C: I would watch the movie that's just like, Katie and her mom.

G: It's so interesting.

C: It's so much more compelling than anything else in this episode except for Ruby.

G: It's so interesting because, like, I'm sure there are cases of like, trauma- when someone goes through for a traumatic situation where they were like, this kind of stuff happens like, psychologically, right? So like, the horror of it is double. Because who knows if you're telling the truth? Who knows if it's really happening? And then, later on, there's a scene where she tries to kill the kid, right? And like, the amount of grief and like, self-doubt, and like, just like, horrific feeling that she must have experienced in that moment of like, uncertainty and everything would have been very compelling to see. And we did see it in a way. But like, you're right that in a movie format, this would have been very good.

C: Yeah, it would have. Yeah, I just like horror a lot as like a way of like, portraying how awful a real life situation is where, like, the real life situation has been so normalized that we don't- you can't understand how awful it actually feels until you have like, monsters in it, and I feel like this storyline could do that very well, and it does do it pretty well in the limited space it has.

G: Yeah, like we see Mom's- because she doesn't have a name- [C laughs] stress very well, so that's fun.

C: Yeah, she's a good actress. And like, I feel like she would be a better actress in a movie as well. So-

G: Give this woman an acting role in like, a good budget of horror film.

C: Yeah.

G: Real.

C: Real.

C: So Sam is now interviewing a woman in a house.

G: He looks good! He looks so cute.

C: Yeah. So he's actually dressed up for this, to be an insurance agent. So he has this like, orange checkered tie, like a white checkered shirt, and then this gray suit jacket. And it's just- it's a very fun fit. I like it. He looks very cute. So yeah, he's being a life insurance agent, and he's asking about this woman's husband's death where he like, fell off a ladder. And the only person there was their daughter, Dakota. And we see Dakota, and she's like, creepy as shit. She's just like staring out at them. And like, I mean this is like, a valid grief response, but yeah, it's supposed to be creepy. And also, Sam notices that there's blood on parts of the house.

G: Well, something that looks akin to blood, but it's like- I was thinking like, it's so obvious. if it was blood, they would have wiped it down already. Like, that would have been terrifying to be like, "Oh, you fell down the ladder, and you crushed your skull so hard blood splattered everywhere, and then nobody wipes it off." [C laughs]

C: Yeah.

G: So like, I think we were supposed to assume that like, maybe it's not blood.

C: Yeah, maybe it's not. But it is, I think.

G: No, it's not!

C: Wait, what? What is it? Oh, wait, the dirt!

G: It's like fucking clay something.

C: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, okay. Right. You're right. Okay. So it's not blood. It is just some red stuff.

Yeah, so as the mom turns around, Sam notices that there's like, this like, oval, like, bruise/scar on the back of her neck. There's a lot of blood on the surface of it, and there's like, little teeth marks in it. So yeah. Creepy.

G: Creepy!

C: Meanwhile, in Katie's house, her mom is making her the most burnt [G laughs] grilled cheese I've ever seen.

G: [laughing] She did not put any butter on this pan! There is- it's not even golden-

C: I don't even know if it's grilled cheese. I think it might just be two pieces of bread, like, on a hot pan with no oil in it.

G: No, exactly. It must have been. No oil, no butter, no nothing. No grease. There's no- nay a drop of grease on that pan. It's just rawdogging-

C: Have we considered Kate isn't a changeling? Have we considered that this is just what happens when all you eat is burnt bread? [G laughs]

G: Exactly.

C: Yeah, so she starts feeling like, the back of her neck hurting, so like, she gives Kate the sandwich and then goes into the bathroom to check it out. And like, she is clearly not having a good time. Like, she is on the verge of breakdown already, and she looks in the mirror, and she sees that same mark on her neck, and like, she freaks. And meanwhile, like, Katie is like pounding on the door, being like "Mommy, let me in. Let me in. Let me in." Like, it is forceful, it is scary, it is scary.

G: Yeah. I mean [laughs], you have heard my little sister knock when I'm recording this podcast [both laughing], and it sounds exactly the same.

C: So true.

G: No, it doesn't. My sister is very polite.

C: Yeah, she's very cute.

G: But yeah, while I was watching this episode, I was like, "I think maybe kids are just like that." [laughing]

C: Yeah, I think it's more maybe the force of which I think- I feel like the door wouldn't shake that much for like a regular seven-year-old or however old she's supposed to be.

G: For a normal kid, yeah.

C: And she's like, being like, "Give me a minute, please!" And like, the tension is building, and you're like afraid the door is just gonna bust down, and she's like, super about to cry, and then we hear the doorbell, and like Katie goes silent. And she goes out, and we see one of the women who was talking about Dean at the party-

G: Ugh.

C: Ugh. Yeah, is she changed by now?

G: I'm not sure. Maybe, maybe not. But we know she's doing her job, and her job is she's a Cicero Plains person, 'cause she's wearing a jacket with a patch of that on it. [laughs] I thought it was incredibly funny.

C: Yup. So, right, I figured that she was changed by now, so like, the like presence of the parent changeling, is what calmed Katie down.

G: Yeah, maybe so.

C: Yeah. So she's checking in, she's like, giving them all a gift basket, and she's like, "Well, Katie seems okay, you know, considering everything." And the mom was like, Y"ep, she's fine. We're fine. Everything's great." And then this woman starts trying to get her to sell the house.

G: Wild.

C: My god. Her ex just died. She's all like, "We at Cicero Realty would really like to, you know, like be involved in like helping you in this process," like Jesus. Yeah. And you know, the mom is like, "Not a good time. Goodbye!" And she like, slams the door shut. But, you know, this does not fix her problems because she is still inside with Katie, who is now demanding ice cream.

G: Yeah.

C: Yeah. Do you want to take-

G: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

G: So it's Dean. And while walking back to his car, he notices that Ben is forlorn in the middle of a park. Why is his car in the middle of a park? [both laughing] Why? Why is it here?

C: I don't know.

G: I don't even know what's happening here, but like, he's in the middle of the park, and Ben is like sitting, and then he goes too bad, and he's like, "Oh, what's wrong, buddy?" And then he notices that he has a DS bag. Oh my god, DS namedrop! Ben is a DS kid. And for that alone, I forgive him for everything. [laughs]

C: Would Ben play Ace Attorney?

G: Ben would not.

C: Yeah, I didn't think so.

G: You know what? You know what?

C: What?

G: Miles Edgeworth is a misogynist, so maybe that's where he got it from. [both laughing]

C: God, you're right! Miles Edgeworth every day wakes up and says, "You know who goes to the courtroom? Hot chicks." That's why.

G: Noo! [laughs] Miles Edgeworth is like the type of guy who's like, so misogynist, he becomes gay. [laughs] So he would not say that like, "chicks are going to the courtroom," but he does call his girl- he has like, a defense attorney going against him once, and the defense attorney is Mia Fey, who is a woman, and he calls her a bimbo. [laughing]

C: Noo.

G: Yeah. So like, a slay. [laughing] He's thriving as a misogynist. Anyway, that's where- I think Ben would call women bimbos. He is that kind of guy.

C: Yeah.

G: And he learned it from Miles Edgeworth.

But yeah, he says like, "Oh, this kid borrowed my DS, but like, he won't give it back." And Dean's like, "Do you want me to go get it for you?" And he was like, "No! [overlapping] Only bitches send grownups!" What is wrong with this kid?

C: Literally, what is wrong with this kid?

G: I feel so sad. He's so sad.

C: And like, the fucking weirdest thing is that Dean hears this, and he's like, "Wow. Ben's a cool kid. He gets it."

G: "Wow. I'm so proud of this guy, like-"

C: That is not the correct reaction to hearing an eight-year-old say that!

G: Yeah, and Dean was like, "You're not wrong." And then Ben is like, "Yeah, and I'm not a bitch." [C screams] And I'm like, I'm so sad that this kid is probably gonna grow up with so much like, fucking toxic masculinity going on for him.

C: Yeah.

G: Like, so sad.

C: Well, maybe when Cas wipes his memories [both laughing] he also wipes a little of his personality.

G: [laughing] He turns him into the changeling type of guy. [C laughs]

Dean looks at the kids, and he points at one of the kids, and he goes, "Is that Humphrey? Like, the guy who needs to get off the burgers?"

C: Jesus.

G: And then they have a little laugh about the fatphobia, that Dean just exhibited.

C: Yep.

G: And it's like, Dean, you fucking hypocrite. You literally eat burgers with onions all the fucking time.

C: Yeah. You're not talking about this guy's diet and health, you're just talking about his appearance. You're like, "Oh, because I'm a pretty boy, and I still get girls, and my metabolism is whatever, it's okay for me to eat burgers, but I am going to moralize everything that this literal child eats [G laughs] just to make my fake son feel better, and also instill fatphobia in him further."

G: Real. So like, they have a little conversation off-screen ,but we cut to Ben like, going to the kids, and they're all like, you know, your typical like, how Hollywood portrays bullies.

C: Uh-huh. They look like younger versions of like the bullies in It the movie.

G: Never watched it, never will. [both laugh]

C: Yeah, it's not that good.

G: That's so mean! That's so me-[burps] sorry, did you hear me burp? [laughs]

C: Yeah.

G: That sounded demonic. But excuse me, and I've never watched it, and that's so mean of me to say that I never will. Maybe one day.

C: I don't recommend it.

G: Alright, then I never will.

C: Yay!

G: He's like, "Hey, give that back to me," and the kid is like, [valley girl] "Oh, then fucking get it." [both laughing] Wait! He didn't say it like that! [still laughing] He did not say "Fucking get it," he said- [laughing] Wait. No, he says like, "Okay, take it back, then." And then, everyone's like, "Oh, he's such a loser. He won't even try to get it from me because we're all stronger than him," blah blah blah. And Ben turns away, and they all laugh, and then Ben turns around and kicks him in the nuts! And then he crouches on the floor in pain, and he gets his game- like, Ben gets his game back. And he goes to Dean, and they're all like, smiling, and thumbs upping each other. And as he's about to sit down, Lisa comes in and is like- what did she say? [overlapping] "Benjamin Isaac Braeden. What's gotten into you?" And Ben is like, "He stole my game!" and Lisa-

C: Sorry, Benjamin Isaac is such a Biblical name. Good for Lisa.

G: I know. Catholic-core.

G: So like, Lisa is like, "Since when do you kick people?" And then she looks over and notices Dean for the first fucking time. [both laugh] Okay? And she was like, "Did you tell my son to beat up that kid?" And Dean was like, "Somebody had to teach him to go kick a bully in the nuts." And Lisa is like, "Who asked you to teach him anything?"

C: Soo fucking true.

G: So true. And he was like, "Yeah, relax."

C: Jesus Christ.

G: And then- [laughs] I know. Lisa's like, "What are you still doing here? Leave us alone. Don't even fucking talk to us. We spent one weekend a million years ago. You don't know me. You have no business with my son." She's like- she's like, going off, and she's right to do it.

C: Yeah, this is very good of her.

G: Yeah.

C: Are we supposed to- like, I don't know. What are we supposed to feel about Lisa? 'Cause, like, I find her eminently likable, and, like, all of her emotional reactions to things realistic, but like, are we supposed to be like, annoyed at her? I can't tell.

G: No idea. I like her.

C: Yeah, I like her.

G: I mean, I don't know what the deal of Supernatural is with anything that they do.[laughs] So I don't know whether we're supposed to like her or not.

C: Right, yeah. What are you still doing here? Fuck off.

G: Yeah, what are you-? Yeah. And as they walk away, Ben like, comes back, and is like, "Wait!" And then he he runs to Dean and gives Dean a hug. And yeah. They leave. And Dean is like, "Oh my god. A kid just hugged me, and this kid might be my s-" He's like, going through it. And then he turns to his side, and three kids are fucking staring daggers at him.

C: Yup.

C: So- oh god, this scene. [laughs] Okay.

G: Truly a scene.

C: What a scene!

Yeah, so Katie's mom, she's like, getting Katie in her car seat and getting in the car, and the whole time, Katie is like being very clingy, being like, "I love you most in the whole wide world, Mommy." Yeah. And then, in the rear view mirror, she sees Katie, and her face is like this gray skull face with like, empty eyes and some big sucking mouth.

G: Yeah.

C: Yeah. And you know, she's freaking out a lot, but she's like saying like, "Nothing's wrong, and yes, we're going for ice cream now," and like, she's crying as she drives the car to a lake. And she's shaking a lot as she like, puts the car on like, some automatic gear. And then she gets out, and she lets the car keep moving-

G: To the lake.

C: And it goes into the lake, and the whole time, Katie is just in the back seat, completely calm, looking at her until she disappears below the water. [overlapping] And the mom is like, crying by that time.

G: This scene is soo scary and like, sad, and like, every single emotion that they were going for in this scene, I think they achieved.

C: Yeah, it works.

G: Like, it's terrifying.

C: Yeah. I think the silence worked very well.

G: Yeah.

C: I think that this woman is a very good actress, yeah.

G: And the creepy- like the kid just looks back? Yeah, that was something. Also, the reason why my voice softened as I said that was because I was doing the motion [laughs], and my mic is in front of me.

C: Yeah. Yeah. And like, I know that the kid's gonna reappear, so like, and I feel like we're supposed to know the kid's gonna reappear, so like, all the scenes after are just like building tension being like, "God, when is she gonna pop up? What's gonna happen?" I guess I assumed that she was just gonna appear behind the mom, but I think what they did was better.

G: Yeah, which is-

C: She goes home, and she's like, still crying and like, yeah, it's a bad time. And then she looks in the kitchen, and there's like, this puddle of water on the ground, and it's dripping, and then she looks up, and Katie is there.

G: Yeah!

C: And she says, "Hi, Mommy. Can I have the ice cream now?" So good!

G: It's good! It is very good.

G: So back in the motel, Dean enters, and Sam's like, "Something's wrong with the kids," and Dean is like, "Yeah, I bet." And they talk about changelings. So apparently, changelings can mimic children, and like, the logic is they feed on the mom, and every single person that gets in the way between their food and the changeling like, gets killed in the process. And like, they grab the kid and like, get the kid underground or something. I don't know. It's just lore dump.

C: Yeah. I do think it's hilarious that they were like, "Well, we can't kill the children, soo, uh, they're just underground for uh... reasons? Yeah."

G: Yeah, we can't have child death over here, you guys. So they're underground. Also, like, the changeling can only be killed by fire.

C: Yeah.

G: So, like, Dean does this funny bit where he's like, "Yeah, let's just kidnap the kids and then torch them in the front lawn. I think that will work really well for everyone," [C laughs] which I thought was funny. Dean realizes that like any kid in the neighborhood is vulnerable. So he goes, "Let's check on these people I know, Lisa and Ben." Because yeah. And Sam was like, [dramatically] "We can't fucking do that, Dean! Th-the time left is so small!" [both laughing]

C: [laughing] Exactly like that.

G: Exactly like that. [laughs] That is what Sam sounds like to me. And Dean was like, "No, no, no, this is important." So they go to Lisa's and Ben's.

C: Yup. And he rings the doorbell, and Lisa is like, "Dean, what the fuck are you doing here?" And he's like, "Well, I wanted to bring Ben like a birthday present. Here, like, I'm giving you a credit card. Just like, go, right now, away from this house-"

G: To Six Flags!

C: To Six Flags at midnight, you know.

G: I was confused because I thought Six Flags was Five Guys [C laughing], so I was like, "Wait, he's telling them to go get a hot dog? What's going on?" Then I looked up Six Flags, and I was like, "Oh, no no no. I'm thinking of Five Guys." Six Flags is like- I don't know. What's Six Flags? It's like a Knott's Berry situation?

C: It's an amusement park. Yeah, it has like rollercoasters and shit. And Lisa's like, "The name on this card is not Dean Winchester." And he's like, "Well, it'll work." And yeah, she's like, "You are being strange and weird. You are probably trying to rob the house while we're out, or something. Like, just go away." And, like, Ben comes down the stairs, and he's like, [creepily] "Mommy, what's wrong?" So, you know, he is not Ben anymore.

G: He's been changed.

C: Yeah, and he's like, "Make him go away, Mommy." And Dean's like, "I feel like something's up," and Lisa yells at him to get out. And then Dean also notices some more of the red stuff on a few of the window frames of the house.

So yeah, he goes back to Sam, and yeah, he's like, "Yeah, there's the red stuff on the windowsill, but it's not blood, and I think I know where the kids are."

G: Yeah.

G: So they- he connects the dots like the kids are in this house that's like being built, and it has like, red dirt, so the red dirt, blah blah blah. And so they enter, and Dean goes to the basement and finds cages where a bunch of kids, and also the woman who was-

C: The realtor.

G: Yeah, the realtor woman, are locked up in the cages, and he's like, "Okay." And the first thing he does is go to Ben. [laughs]

C: I know! Fucking loser behavior.

G: He's like, "Let's ignore all of these fucking kids that I can immediately, like, I see them instantly in front of me, and look for Ben." It's like, come on, dude.

C: Come on, dude.

G: But okay, whatever.

C: Ben has been down there for like ten minutes.

G: Yeah.

C: Go find Katie first. She has been having a terrible time for like, a week.

G: Yeah. And he's like, "It's gonna be okay. I'm gonna get you out of here." And Sam is in like, the other side of the house. What is he even doing? And the woman, you know, the head- what's her name? They call her the mother, didn't they? The mother of the changelings. The mother changeling appears, and she's like, [nasal robot voice] "I'm gonna call the police!" [C laughs] Why am I putting on so many voices? [both laugh] Real, though. She was like, "I'm gonna call the police if you don't go," and Sam's like, "Okay, sure," and then takes the fire thing and blasts at her. But she disappears, so she doesn't die. Anyway, downstairs, Dean is like putting- like, he smashes the window to get the kids out.

C: Okay. So meanwhile, we are getting scenes of Lisa with changeling Ben. And yeah, Ben's doing the whole like, "play with me" thing, like, "I don't wanna go to bed. I wanna be with you, Mommy," and blah blah blah blah blah. And then he says, like, "I'm hungry." And yeah I this is because she hasn't gone to sleep yet. She's reading a book, and he needs to feed while she's asleep. Yeah. So she like, starts making him a mini pizza or something, and then she sees that in the glass, he has like the creepy gray skull face, and she freaks out.

G: Back to the house, Dean is like, trying to get the kids out, so he smashes the window to get them out, and like, he's trying to get them to climb out of the window but like, there's shards everywhere, so then Ben's like, "Here, take my jacket and use it to cover the bottom!" blah blah blah. And it's so forced that they were like, "Ben has the-" what do they call it? "the like, personality of a hunter or whatever." Yeah.

C: It's dumb. It's like, "He may have the misogyny genes, but he also has the hero genes."

G: He's eight years old! He's in second grade! Do you even have a consciousness then? [laughs] No, you do. I'm just joking. But like, I don't even remember anything from second grade other than being like, a stupid as fuck child.

C: Yeah, okay, he like, barely passes the mirror test. That's a lie; you pass the mirror test at like, six months old, but like, that's the same as eight years to me. [G laughs]

G: Exactly.

Anyway, like, Sam comes in and is like, "Oh, the mother changeling is here!" And then, like, this is the only time that Dean was like- this is the time when Dean was like, "Oh, yeah, there's also another person in there. Why don't you break the lock?" [C laughs] And it's like, Dean! What are you doing? And I get that the kids are the priority because they're kids, but like, at least unlock the fucking lock.

C: Yeah.

G: While the kids are being escaped out of the thing, the mother changeling comes in and is like, "I'm gonna eat ya." Yeah.

C: Meanwhile, back at Lisa's, right, so she saw his reflection. And she does a 180 really fast.

G: Yeah!

C: Like, does she like, believe in the supernatural very strongly already?

G: No idea.

C: Like how- how is this happening? Because, you know, for someone who told Fiona Apple like, "We're gonna get you help. Like you thinking your child is not your child is just the result of something psychological," she is very down to immediately say, "You're not my son to Ben." So yeah. So she is like, "Where is the real Ben?" And she tries to run out of the door, but then there's like these three other creepy kids blocking her, and Ben's like, "They don't want you to leave me, Mommy." And yeah, also, Katie's mom is having a terrible, terrible time. She's crying on the bathroom floor-

G: And Katie is bashing the door in-

C: Yeah, going "Let me in, let me in." Yeah. Not having a good time, these women. So in the house, we get this fight scene between the changeling mother and Sam and Dean. Right, Dean's like, "Ben! Get all the kids out of here!" And he does, because as an eight-year-old, he's super calm and a hero because that's just how he is, I guess. And yeah, eventually, Sam burns the changeling mother to death, and then magically, all the other changeling kids just disappear with her so that we didn't have to get the visuals of them burning children.

G: [laughs] Yeah, exactly.

C: What a copout. What a copout. They should have lined up all those kids on the lawn and burned them.

G: Yeah, exactly. They should have made the real kids burn their counterpart.

C: Yeah!

G: That would be such a good- the therapists of those children will have such a fucking good time.

C: [laughs] Yeah. [G laughs]

We don't see Fiona Apple again after this scene.

G: Yeah!

C: Which makes me sad. 'Cause it's like, you killed-

G: It's her story!

C: Yeah, it's her story, and it's like, how do you live in the same house as the child with the face of the monster that you tried to like, literally kill when you weren't even sure if it was a monster or not?

G: Anyway, so Dean and Sam drive Ben to Lisa's house, and this is the only kid that we see reunite with their parent. Like, what did the other kids do? Like, how did their parents react?

C: I know!

G: "Why are you with these two randomasss lumberjack-looking men?"

C: Yeah. "You said you were locked in a cage underground? You said that this person's name is Dean Winchester, the guy wanted for murder and top of the FBI's wanted list? Get back here, what the fuck?" [both laugh]

G: Anyway, Lisa comes back and is like, "Ben! Are you okay?" And Ben completely like, moved on [C laughs], didn't even care about anything. It's like, "It's okay."

C: "That was so yesterday, Mom."

G: Yeah! And Dean tries to say that "I'll explain everything if you want me to, but you probably don't want me to be real, and the important thing is Ben's safe." And then, you know, they hug, and she invites Dean into the house while Sam is like, "I'll wait outside!" [laughs]

C: Also, maybe I was just reading this completely wrong, but it's like, they hug, and a second through the hug, Dean makes like, a little surprised face, and I read that as like, unexpected boner.

G: You're so mean to Dean. [C laughs] I think it's just a surprised face.

C: Why was there the delay then? [both laugh]

G: Well, maybe it is a surprise boner. Who would have thought? [C laughs] You, apparently.

C: Yeah. I think, 'cause at this point, I still didn't know that Pokey was a character. [G laughs] So Dean get- I thought that Dean getting surprise boners was a motif of this episode. [both laugh]

G: So yeah. As they come in, and it's like, Ben is on the table, he's playing with a car, and he's listening to music. And they really are hammering this fucking home.

C: Yeah.

G: Lisa is asking about the changelings and Dean is saying that, "You know, I never mentioned my job because it's this. The important thing is that Ben is fine," blah blah blah. And then he goes. "Okay, seriously, is he my kid? What's the deal with that?" And Lisa says she did a blood test.

C: Yeah. But like-

G: How?

C: With whose blood?

G: Yeah. With the biker guy's blood?

C: I guess?

G: So she knew he was the dad? Perhaps so. And she was like, "I had a type. He had a leather jacket, he had no address-" Me. [laughs] Who's gonna- [both laugh] I'm not gonna continue that joke.

C: Yeah. I do think it's very fun that Dean came over, and he was like, "Ben's just like me for real!" And Lisa was like, "Yeah, he's just like you and every single other guy I slept with that year. Get in line."

G: [laughs] Exactly. And then Dean's like, "Okay, that's good." And Lisa just looks at him and goes, "You look disappointed, dude." And he's like, "Well, stuff happened to me recently-"

C: Jesus.

G: "And now I'm like, 'What if I was a baby daddy, bro?'" [C laughs] He said like, "What am I gonna leave behind other than a car?" Which is like, people- I know people are like emotional over that line because he does die-

C: But the context is dumb.

G: Like, the context is so stupid. Like, "I wish I left you to be pregnant and raise a child by yourself." [C laughs]

C: Agh, but he's so Tom going off to jail about this. [G laughs]

G: Yeah. [laughing] He was like, "I need to spread my seed. I need to leave a legacy."

C: Yeah. I guess- I know that Dean cares a lot about blood family, but you know, I believe in separation of sperm and self [G laughs]. Like, gametes in general and self. Like-

G: You didn't even raise the kid.

C: Yeah, like you leaving behind like a child that shares your DNA is not really a legacy in any way. And I know this is the point of the episode, I think, but like, the tone of it is so not like, "Dean is going to die soon, and, like, thinking he has a son is making him like, reconsider his choices." It's like not any of that, so it's dumb. [G laughs]

G: Yeah. Lisa says like, "He's not your kid, but you did save his life. So that's a lot already," blah blah blah. And then he goes, "Well, if I was his father, I would have been so proud of him." [laughs]

C: God.

G: [laughing] Why are you not already proud of him? It's just an incredibly funny thing to say. Like if he said, "Even if I'm not his dad, I'm still proud of him, for-"

C: Well, he says, "I would have been proud to be his dad." So not quite what you're-

G: Ah, okay, okay. Yeah, I was misremembering. But I remember laughing when he said that. But anyway, he walks out, but Lisa follows him, and is like, "Dean!" and she kisses him, and she's like, "You're welcome to stay," And he goes, "No no no. I got a lot of work to do, and it's not my life. Like, this is not my life." And so he leaves!

C: I- What? Lisa, I know he like, saved your son's life, but he also taught him how to kick people- to beat people up. Like, he's not gonna be a good influence. Like, even if he would have been proud to be Ben's dad, Ben would be a worse person if Dean stuck around.

G: I think there is like, a gravity difference between kicking a guy in the nuts and saving people's lives, though [laughs], so like, I think she was considering that.

C: Alright, but like, well, so what? Keep him around for protection? Like, what's the reason?

G: Well, she likes him.

C: It seems like she was just doing this out of gratitude, which is not-

G: Oh yeah. This is the point where I bring up what I've been bringing up since 5ever, which is that it does make me uncomfortable when, like, the reward for being- for saving people's lives is those people's lives you saved being grateful for it, and like, proposing sex or a kiss or whatever. But like, because they have a history, I am more lenient with this one. You know what I mean?

C: Yeah, yeah.

G: It's still- I think it still falls into that category. Because, like, with like, Cassie, right, they already had sex before that. And then, like, the kiss, and the kiss is not of gratitude, it's like, of history, and blah blah blah, and goodbye. But with this one, she was like, "Leave us alone; I don't want you in my life," blah blah blah blah. And then, like, he saves the kid's life, and then she's suddenly like, "I'm gonna give you a kiss, and you can stay forever if you want to!"

C: Yeah.

G: And it's a bit Andreaverse, isn't it?

C: It is very Andreaverse. Yeah, right, especially because Andrea was like, at the beginning, she was like, "Oh my god, stop hitting on me! Like, you're so annoying." And then, as soon as he saves her kid's life she's like, "Wow! I'm gonna kiss you. Oh my god, you're so cool." Like, I think my ex-fiancee said a thing where she was like, "It seems like in every single, like, episode where people are like, 'Oh my god! You guys are like, crazy. Stop it!' Like, it hurts the writers' feelings to not have it end with them, being like, 'Oh my god, I was so wrong to be mean to you [G laughs] when you were being so creepy and like, not respectful of me. And you were right to be terrible the whole time. Take me, now!'" Like- [laughs]

G: Yeah.

C: That's stupid! Like, the context of there being changelings is not- like, most of his behavior in this episode is not because of the case. He's just a creep. The only thing he did to her that was like, case-related was checking in on her and giving her the credit card. Everything else, he was just like that.

G: Yeah.

C: Ugh.

C: So now we're back in the motel room! And so Sam's on the phone. There's a bit of a montage of him like asking about death dates and causes of death about- for a bunch of people. So like, apparently, there was like a fire in 2006 that killed one of Mary's friends, and then a lot of her family members. There's like a Robert Campbell and an Ed Campbell who died as well. And yeah, no, it's interesting, because, like, 2006 is the fire. Like, we're in- what? 2008, 2007 right now? 2007.

G: So this is recent shit.

C: Azazel killed them very recently.

G: I didn't even consider that. I thought it was like, fifteen years ago, 2006. [laughs] Yeah, it was just like, a couple of years back.

C: Yeah. Oh, also, I think the the transition to Sam was very funny, because like, Dean's having his romantic like, wistful moment. And then it's like, spy music [G laughs], and then Sam's being like [dramatically] "Who died? And then what?" Yeah, they are in completely different genres this episode, and good for them. So he's like, "Oh my god! Well, I sure found out a lot." And later, he's talking to someone, and it's not revealed until partway through who it is like. You probably think it's Dean at first, but no, he's saying to Ruby, like, "All of my mom's friends are dead. Her uncle and her doctor. Like, everyone who ever knew her was like, recently, just one by one, killed." And yeah, Ruby says like, "Yep, that was the yellow-eyed demon." When do we learn that his name is Azazel? Does this ever happen?

They're still calling him the yellow-eyed demon. When do we know his name?

G: No idea. Maybe we never do.

C: Yeah, maybe we just made up "Azazel." Who even knows?

G: Exactly.

C: Yeah, and Sam's like, "Okay, so like, tell me what the fuck is up with you because you know so much. I don't think you're a hunter because you know more about my own family than I do." Sam-

G: Maybe she's just smart.

C: [at the same time] Maybe she's just a true crime girlie who's hyperfixated on your mom's death. Have you considered that?

G: Exactly.

C: Yeah. Right. And he's like, "Just tell me who you are!" And she's trying to deflect, and he says it again, and then he like, fucking yells it in her face. Rude! And she's like, "Okay, fine." And then she blinks, and when she opens her eyes again, they're black!

G: She's a demon!

C: Love this. Love it. And Sam tries going for holy water, and Ruby's like, "No, don't do that. I'm here to help you." And Sam says, "You're a demon," and [sighs] Ruby says, "Don't be such a racist."

G: "Don't be such a racist!" That was a funny line. I love it.

C: It was funny, but also, Sera Gamble wrote “Bloodlust,” you know-

G: Yeah. [laughs]

C: - where like, she clearly draws parallels between like, vampirephobia and like, real life racism so like, it's like, “What are you trying to do here, Sera Gamble?” Like, fantasy racism is real in one of your episodes, and now it's like, a joke because it's like, "Obviously, it's not the same thing." And also, you are one of the more racist writers of Supernatural in the first place.

G: Yeah.

C: What are you doing, Sera Gamble?

Yeah, she says, like, "I'm here because I want to help you, and I can, if you trust me." So he starts interrogating her about all the murders, and she says, "I don't know. That's what I'm trying to find out." And then she says, "All I know is that it's about you." And this is literally like the third time that Sam has heard this from a demon, and still he's like, "What? What? Oh my god! What?" When is this gonna stop being a reveal for him? Literally, in like fucking 2.21, also written by Sera Gamble, Azazel literally says, "This was all about you," and Sam goes like, "Oh my god, what?" Like, Sam, are you stupid? What's happening? [laughs] So-

G: I don't- I don't know what's. Like he's so- he has no object permanence. [C laughs] We talk about developmental delays, but like, Sam, has no object permanence.

C: True.

G: He's like- every single time it's like, "Your mom is involved in this," he's like, "[gasps] Oh my god!" And like, you figured this out season one, Sam! [C laughs]

C: Oh my god. Yeah.

G: He's so real, though.

C: So real. Yeah. So she says, like, "What happened to your mom and all of her friends was like, the demon trying to cover up what he did to you. And I want to help." And she says, like, "I have my reasons. Not all demons are the same, Sam. Not all of us want the same thing." And she says, like, "What I want is just to help you from time to time. And if you let me, there's something that you get out of it, too." And he says "What?" And she says, "I could help you save your brother." Dun-dun-dun!

G: Whoo!

C: I love when women lie.

G: Yeah. And that's the end of the episode.

G: What are our post-episode thoughts?

C: About the same as they were coming in.

G: Yeah. It's funny-

C: But I do like that they're in completely different genres. Like, all the Ruby stuff is just completely irrelevant to anything. They just have to stuff it in here.

G: Yeah. The thing is like, I think, all aspect- 'cause there are three things going on this episode. So, the Lisa stuff, the case stuff with Katie and her mom, and the Ruby stuff. And all of them are interesting, in fairness.

C: Yeah. They're all totally different, though.

G: Yeah, they're all incredibly different from each other, and they don't necessarily make a cohesive whole. Like, the Ruby stuff, obviously doesn't actually add anything to the- emotionally or like thematically, yeah. But it still works. It's okay.

C: Yeah, I mean, it's good like on its own. It's good for build up.

G: Yeah. How about Best Line/Worst Line?

C: Okay. So... hm. Best line, I mean, I really like when Lisa went off at Dean.

G: Yeah.

C: What are the exact lines? Yeah, like, "What are you even still doing here? We had one weekend together a million years ago. You don't know me, and you have no business with my son." So true. It's a good character moment for her.

G: My worst line is, "You don't know Dean? The Dean? [C screams] 'Best night of my life' Dean?"

C: My god.

G: Ugh. Ulgh.

C: Yeah. Screaming, crying, and throwing up.

G: Ew. What's your worst line?

C: See, originally, it was the Pokey line, because again, I didn't know that that was a character. [G laughs] But now, I agree with you.

G: Huh, I don't know what my best line is. Probably the one where it's like, "Mommy, can we get some ice cream now?" That one.

C: Ooh, yeah.

G: Because, like, again, like I said earlier, that scene is imprinted in my head, even from way back. So yeah, I think it's super creepy, it works so well, very well done. Wow! Can you believe we're singing praises? For Supernatural? It's a good case, though. The case is pretty good.

C: Yeah, the case is really good. Everything else- no, Sam and Ruby are fun

G: I like Sam and Ruby.

C: But the Lisa part-

G: Eh, it's okay.

C: Hm.

G: I would say it's interesting. That's what I would say about it.

C: Yeah, I'd say it's interesting. It's also misogynistic, though.

Speaking of, our new point system-

G: is-

C: - we should keep- Okay, so yeah, so what we're doing is just, at the end of every episode, we are just gonna give the writer a point- or a point to five points, depending on the severity, in the racism category and in the misogyny category. So we forgot to do this for 3.01, but I think that 3.01 gets a point in each category for the like- the misogyny one would be like, the you know, like, "How come you got beat by a girl?" Blah blah blah blah blah. [G laughs] And then the racism, I think, would be like, the unnecessarily brutal way that they treated Isaac, and also the like, lack of sympathy that they give to Tamara for her loss. Do you agree?

G: I think so. Do you want to bump up the racism to two points, though?

C: Yeah, yeah, no, you're right. I think that the Tamara stuff is way worse than "how come you got beat by a girl." [G laughs] Okay, so two on the racism for-

G: Yeah, I would say one and two, so.

C: Okay. And then, I'd say, for this one, there's no racism points, because-

G: There's no one. [laughs]

C: Everyone in there is white. [laughs] And hm, for misogyny, one to two. I'm not sure.

G: I think it's fascinating that they paint Ben's like, calling people bitches, and like-

C: Yeah, hot chicks.

G: - in a positive light.

C: Yeah, like it's cool of him. Like, he's a cool kid, he's not a loser kid.

G: And, like the portrayal of Lisa, while I wouldn't call misogynistic, she is part of the Andreaverse.

C: Yeah. [laughs] Very much so.

G: So like, it's in reference to earlier misogyny. [both laugh] So maybe a two.

C: Alright, yeah.

G: Maybe this one's a two-pointer.

C: Alright. We have two misogyny points to Sera Gamble. Alright.

G: What a win. [both laugh] Go Sera.

C: Again, diversity win, this woman is misogynistic, too.

G: Yeah. Okay. So, IMDb. What's your deal? I think this one's gonna be pretty high. I'll go 8.7

C: It's gonna be pretty high, I agree, but I feel like people in the reviews are going to be like, "It was so funny when like, Ben and Dean checked out the mom and the kid at the same time"-

G: Noo.

C: Instead of like, "This was a very compelling case, and Ruby is cool," which are like, my reasons to rate it high. But yeah, okay. 8.7 seems a little much. I think I'll go an 8.6.

G: Okay. Let's see.

[gasps] You're right!

C: Ooh!. Good for me.

G: That's fantastic. It's an 8.6! Let's check out the reviews, baby!

C: Ugh. The first review calls Lisa sexy, like, twice.

G: [laughs] Well, someone's into her.

C: Wait, it says "sexy actresses" in the second mention. So like, are they saying that they were sexually attracted to Fiona Apple during her breakdown? [G laughs]

G: Noo.

C: Noo.

G: This one says, "I'm waiting to find out what the yellow-eyed demon was trying to cover up. Also, I'm waiting to find out if the demon appears again, or if any other character that have disappeared or died appear again. I'm really wanting to know if Missouri is still alive or not."

C: Oh god, I'm so sorry!

G: "I thought the character has a lot more in store for the Winchesters, but I haven't heard any more about her."

C: Aww. Aww.

G: I'm so sorry, dude.

C: Aw, I'm so sorry.

G: So sorry, MorganDoll, from October 11, 2007.

C: Aw, I hope they're doing okay.

G: [laughing] This one- "I know I'm pretty much alone with my opinion on this, but I find the Dean-kid scenario extremely trite."

C: Soo true! So true.

G: "The similarity seems so forced. It makes you feel like the creators don't have that high an opinion of the audience, so they try to make their point so obvious that even the dumbest viewer get the idea."

C: Say that, say that, and say that.

G: "I would appreciated if they had handled that matter in a much more subtle way, like, I liked how Dean connected with the boy in 'Dead in the Water.' It touched my heart!" I did not pronounce any of those words correctly. [both laugh]

C: [laughing] No, they sound right.

G: No, they're saying like, "Dead in the Water" had good interactions with kids so like, they wish it would have been like something in that vein instead of like, super forced. I agree.

C: I agree.

Oh, the last one says, "Also, Dean acts kind of creepy here." So true. [laughs]

G: Yeah. Yeah, I think that's it.

C: That is it.

G: So yeah, that's it for this episode of Busty Asian Beauties. Next week, we will be discussing- hold on. Who- Next week, we will be discussing Season 3, Episode 3:

"Bad Day at Black Rock." Leave us a rating or a review wherever you get your podcasts!

C: Bye... [G laughs] No, no, no, why don't I know any of my words anymore?? Don't keep this in!

G: Oh, no, I will. [both laugh] I don't even know what your lines are. Leave a- no.

C: [laughing] Follow us on social media?

Follow us on social media. We are on Twitter at twitter.com/BeautiesPodcast and on Tumblr at bustyasianbeautiespod.tumblr.com. Our official tag is #BABPod, B-A-B-POD, and thank you to everyone who's donated to our Ko-Fi at ko-fi.com/bustyasianbeautiespod.

G: You can email us any feedback, comments, or inquiries at [email protected]. See you guys next time! [both] Bye-bye!

[guitar music]

#transcript

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angeloncewas · 3 years

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dont wanna make this ask long bc i am tired and dont have the energy to be a well spoken (?) person rn but it probably will be long anyways, so sorry!! but like. as somebody who has hyperfixated on both idubbbz and schlatt (along with a plethora of other problematic content creators, i really know how to fuckn pick em!!) they absolutely foster a dogshit community, at least outside of platforms like tumblr, where like. you cant really avoid fandom culture like you can on twitter or ig, if that makes sense. on here, if you wanna post about your favorite youtuber, whether you tag it or not, other fans will likely see and if you say some bad shit, you will likely get called on it, whereas on ig basically only your followers will see it even if you use a hashtag and on twitter its like if you arent in a subtwt/fandom then you basically dont interact with any subtwt at all unless its an accident, ya know?

so like. i think what im trying to say here is that while ive met a lot of fans of both these creators, especially schlatt, who are great people as far as i can tell, i am also specifically on the fandom side of things and as soon as i step out of that space i realize that a lot of people who watch them are not actually minorities like me and my mutuals who can catch on to satire or who watch their more behind the scenes stuff where you can see them act like a decent person or even call out people for the things they usually joke about which just. fucking sucks. it sucks that, as much as i do believe schlatt is actually a good person (and sort of idubbbz, although i dont really watch him much anymore for a plethora of reasons, mostly related to the fact that i cant stand his jokes anymore even if he is playing a character as he's said before), he also keeps doing terrible fucking things and im really glad his actual friends have been calling him on it recently, especially after that jackbox video (which is a whole other thing on its own bc it literally seemed like nobody wanted to be there basically the entire video?? like as somebody who watched all the jackbox videos before that one, it was really fucking off in that call and the jokes were next level fucking upsetting), but sometimes it's just kinda like. exhausting. bc his community is already fucking bad now, you cant undo accidentally fostering a community of fucking racist homophobes who dont get that you're playing a character, unless you kinda drop off and build a whole new community from that, which would be stupid to do at this point in his career. not really sure where i was going with this tbh, but i thought i would chime in on this discussion as a viewer of mainly schlatt, but also a past idubbbz viewer who is basically a seasoned fucking vet at dealing with shitty fanbases because of him and many other dumb youtube white boys

(also, note on that anisa thing: ian's main fanbase was definitely pissed just bc she does sex work and a lot of them are too fucking young or just too fucking dense i guess to clock the fact that he's putting on an act bc, like i said before, they either dont watch his behind the scenes content, or they do and they kinda just miss those moments between still trying to entertain where he gets genuine. that being said, a lot of people outside of his fanbase were also pissy bc anisa is a less than spectacular lady if you really do your research on her, kind of a bad person but it's not something a lot of people know about, especially since one of the few videos made on it was by fucking creepshow art)

sorry for the rant again, i feel like i do this every other week now and i apologize, you just seem to have the best discourse and i enjoy partaking <3 hope you have a good rest of your day/night/whatever time you're reading this!

—🦷

Thank you for the input (don't mind the rant !) and I hope you have a good rest of your day too <3 For post length, I'll answer under the cut :)

Yeah, I get what you mean (I think ahdsufsd). Fandom as a concept is pretty... I don't even know how to describe it, but it's the kind of thing that I feel like white male Redditors would think of as pussy shit, y'know? Like the Ricegum gang isn't a fucking "fandom" they're a... well, a fandom, but they're not gonna admit to that. So when you step outside of a community like Tumblr (the queerest place on the internet TM) you come into contact with the faces of the fandom you're dealing with and oftentimes they're a lot less like you than you might've thought from the similar interest. It's like going to a Weezer concert and realizing you're surrounded by incels (this is a JOKE).

Satire's a rough topic because some people don't think it should exist at all. Like any words that can be directly interpreted as bigoted or problematic should not be uttered. I disagree with that, I think it's one of the most interesting forms of both social commentary and comedy, but I do see the problem. There are people who watched Filthy Frank (to take an example from that other anon) and didn't know or care what the point of his actions were (I don't know what they were tbh - I never watched him, but it sounds like he's a pretty decent dude) and instead read his jokes as-is. There are thousands upon thousands of people who aren't gonna get satire and that's a problem because if they're already bigoted they're gonna see people like Schlatt and iDubbz and whoever else as truly validating.

(Largely unrelated but yo, is iDubbz still going? Are the views alright? Is the adsense popping? Has he just kept going with Content Cops? I haven't heard about him since the girlfriend thing dropped.)

"you cant undo accidentally fostering a community of fucking racist homophobes who dont get that you're playing a character, unless you kinda drop off and build a whole new community from that"

I think this is what's pertinent when it comes to discussing Schlatt. After the Jackbox video (for me at least, he might've been there before) he put himself at a crossroads. If he'd apologized, said "sorry, I took it too far, that was a mistake" - yeah, plenty of people wouldn't have forgiven him and plenty of bigoted fans of his would've said that the apology was just to placate the snowflakes on Twitter, but to the sort of in-between people it would've shown that he's able to recognize and reconcile his mistakes. He could've transitioned into content that's A) actually good (when I say that the video was bad I don't just mean in terms of racism, I mean it straight up was not entertaining) and B) less "edgy" for the sake of. I wouldn't expect him to go uwu squeaky clean, but he's already reeled in the bad people, so if he really wanted to foster a good, progressive audience, he has to do something significant to show that.

But he didn't.

Maybe for the sake of his career, maybe because he likes those bigoted fans, maybe because he just doesn't get it - I don't know. I don't think we'll ever know. I spoke earlier about doing what is right over what is easy and in the case of Schlatt it just feels like he really did take the easy way out. Whoever he is in his personal life doesn't change how he's perceived online and the kinds of people that are idolizing him for it.

(And yeah I saw the video on Anisa when I Googled her to check if they were still dating, but then I saw who it was made by and I was like oh well whatever avhfdfkj)

#this is kind of rambly but oh well #angel answers #🦷 anon #discourse #negative #cc critical #idk how to tag this stuff just telae jsfkbg #long post

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1zashreena1 · 4 years

Text

Quarantine- New Ranch Flavor! -5

18+, m/f, technically OCxDiego Jimenez [Power]

Summary: Princess is stranded in NYC with her Murder Panther for the duration of the quarantine. As a high risk patient she has no choice but to isolate as much as possible. Simulated domesticity ensues. Princess texts a running commentary to her bff Lisa.

WARNINGS: Ridiculous descriptions and ‘the code is more like guidelines’ outlook on grammar. Is it OOC if the character was given essentially zero development in canon???

No actual smut, nasty ass snack foods, plus size insecurity, unprotected sex, feels are icky, plus size woman+fit man, bad boys with too much money and not enough impulse control, secondary OCs, excessive swearing (???), illegal business dealings… I mean, its DIEGO

A/N: Princess took on a life of her own and has essentially become an OC. There are infrequent mentions of her description (specifically as plus size) and her actual name in later pieces (its Bicki). She started as self-insert so she looks like me (plus size, white, short, blue eyes, curly hair). If that is not your thing, I totally understand. And do not feel obligated to read this, I will not be offended!

I’m not a fan of “plot” so be aware that most of this series is just meandering through their relationship, angst-fluff-smut whiplash style. But with dick jokes.

TAGLIST: @chelsfic @symbiont13 @nicke0115 @bunnykjm @rosee-sensuelle @girlpornparadise @mandoplease @heresathreebee @xxsteph-enrixx @jetiikad @joalsglasses @mutantcookiesecrets @demoncatstone @squidlywiddly87

Please let me know if you would like to be tagged.

~~~

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Thursday 11:22am

From Princess

Day 1 and I literally have an ice pack on my pussy and

Hold on he’s not wearing pants again gtg

~~~

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Friday 9:49am

From Princess

Video chatting with sister when Diego walks past in the background… shirtless.

She put her phone down (my entire screen was just ceiling) and I could hear her crying. Hung up after 10 min

~~~

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Friday 10:14pm

From Princess

He sucks ass at Jenga and its adorable

~~~

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Saturday 11:49am

From Princess

I was provided a to-do list for the day.

It's just his name

~~~

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Sunday 1:32pm

From Princess

We have sorted every liquid in the penthouse into 2 categories:

Potential Lube

Definitely Not Lube

Except we’re arguing about ranch dressing

~~~

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Sunday 2:17pm

From Princess

Update: Ranch went into the Not Lube category because it “smells nasty when it gets warm” This fact was previously unknown to me and I was afraid to ask for more details

~~~

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Monday 8:40am

From Princess

Morning announcements include the fact that 8:37 is the earliest he has ever gotten up

I’m worried about losing my job. Diego advises me to apply to Dyson because I “never lose suction”

Am I offended or proud of myself? It’s not even 9am

~~~

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Tuesday 1:12am

From Princess

This is the most weed I have ever consumed in my life (I know, not a high bar) Why is he hanging upside down off the couch making motorboat noises??

~~~

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Tuesday 1:14am

From Princess

Ahh. He was composing a poem about my tits

~~~

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Tuesday 2:49am

From Princess

The railing up the stairs to the bedroom does not in fact support my weight. Pole dance competition is OFF

~~~

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Tuesday 2:57am

From Princess

You know that thing you do with my bras? Where you put it on like a headband and it makes mickey mouse ears?

~~~

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Wednesday 11:17am

From Princess

Julio required to give 10 min warning prior to arrival so Diego can take off his pants

Yes you read that right

Freak

~~~

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Wednesday 11:19am

From Princess

Yes you do so know who Julio is. Big, round, only wears ivory/eggshell/off white/ThisIsMy 2ndWedding colored blazers. Jeez Lisa you're not old enough for dementia yet girl

~~~

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Wednesday 12:52pm

From Princess

I have played myself. Just ate an entire cheesesteak while being a cockwarmer

Turns out I’m the freak

Julio present and accounted for

~~~

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Thursday 9:37am

From Princess

He’s crunching a bowl of something via spoon. I ask what it is. Crushed cheez-its and mayonnaise. What in the actual fuck this man is a literal monster

~~~

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Thursday 12:10pm

From Princess

Edible body paint works on windows. Had to sit on his shoulders but this is the largest ‘FUCK’ I have ever written. Very proud

~~~

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Thursday 12:22pm

From Princess

Bottom half of the ‘C’ has transferred onto my ass. But 7 orgasms. Pick your battles

~~~

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Thursday 11:47pm

From Princess

Tried a pickled habanero. He’s still face down in the rug crying with laughter. It’s been 10 min dude come on

~~~

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Friday 10:12am

From Princess

Me: Why are you so heavy?

Diego: I keep eating you

Me: High five

~~~

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Friday 3:17pm

From Princess

He’s trying to “conduct business” via 3 cellphones. Would offer my tablet but I’m too pretty for prison. Gonna take a nap

~~~

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Friday 4:41pm

From Princess

Pants are forbidden in the bedroom. We’re just making the rules up as we go I see

~~~

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Saturday 9:59am

From Princess

He’s sitting in the corner of the window walls staring dejectedly outside. I hear the tiniest forlorn whisper “THOSE people are outside”

Too cute--must blow---BRB

~~~

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Saturday 1:32pm

From Princess

Angry texting. Muttering “No I can’t go outside and no you can’t come in here. Bitch…. No no, delete delete delete”

Me: Where is your sister anyway? LA?

Him: Very Squinty Eyes

~~~

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Saturday 9:22pm

From Princess

My ass is stuck in the kitchen sink. While he was very helpful getting me in here he is of no assistance getting me out.

~~~

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Saturday 11:46pm

From Princess

Apparently ‘douchecanoe twatwaffle jerkface’ is the most hilarious insult he has ever heard. My brilliance is unparalleled

~~~

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Sunday 5:51am

From Princess

Me: Hey what’s the worst thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?

Him outrageously offended: I’m not answering that!

Him: ... you first

~~~

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Sunday 7:12pm

From Princess

Is it a legit massage if he has to pause in the middle to jack off?

~~~

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Monday 11:06am

From Princess

Ordered groceries via Amazon Prime drone delivery. Sitting on the rooftop patio wrapped up together in a ginormous blankie waiting.

Does this count as a date?

~~~

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Monday 1:13pm

From Princess

Drone arrived. I lost my shit. Coolest thing ever. He’s frantically ordering more stuff because I haven’t looked this ecstatic since the time he rubbed my feet then went down on me for 2 hrs

Hold up change of plans

~~~

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Monday 2:28pm

From Princess

stubble burn on bottom of feet :-/

~~~

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Monday 6:44pm

From Princess

We can both fit in the jacuzzi tub. Almost drowned when his phone rang and we both spazzed out

~~~

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Tuesday 10:10am

From Princess

Today’s formal edict: He will only be referring to himself in the 3rd person. I am required to do as told. Should not be this turned on

~~~

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Tuesday 11:58am

From Princess

Watching him try to answer calls like this is a level of hilarity I could not have predicted

~~~

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Tuesday 1:53pm

From Princess

He gave me a crash course in chem. Still don’t know anything but it was hot as hell

~~~

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Tuesday 2:57pm

From Princess

Despite all evidence to the contrary I’m a Good Girl. Did as I was told. Got rewarded. 13 times

~~~

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Tuesday 5:33pm

From Princess

Unlocked a tiny piece of tragic backstory*™: He’s never been to a zoo :-(

~~~

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Wednesday 11:24am

From Princess

Julio and Bastian brought 4 pizzas. Currently eating them individually sitting in a giant square in the living room SOCIAL DISTANCING

Like he wasn’t inside me 10 min ago wtf

~~~

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Wednesday 11:25am

From Princess

Yes cute driver Bastian. Btw you are barking up the wrong tree girl. His favorite animal is bears lol

~~~

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Wednesday 12:39pm

From Princess

Garlic butter: lube or no? Round table discussion happening.

~~~

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Wednesday 1:19pm

From Princess

I won in favor of No

Me: slams hands down on table

Me: HAVE YOU EVER HAD A YEAST INFECTION???

All men present: :-[

:-[

~~~

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Wednesday 1:32pm

From Princess

Diego: puts garlic butter cup in the empty box and slides the whole mess off table to the floor without breaking eye contact. My sugar daddy is truly a murder panther

~~~

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Wednesday 3:49pm

From Princess

Flipping channels (he only has 5000) when he comes downstairs from the bedroom wearing Ginormous Blankie as cape.

Him: Can we do the thing again?

Me: Gotta be way more specific babe

Him: Flaps blankie like wings and gives me puppy dog eyes

Him: You know. Thing. On the roof. ...please?

Did

Did he just ask me to cuddle???

~~~

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Wednesday 5:58pm

From Princess

Can confirm roof cuddles. He fell asleep with his face mashed into my neck-shoulder after watching sunset. Every time I move he whimpers and squeezes tighter. I don't know what is happening but it kinda hurts in my chest

~~~

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Wednesday 9:12pm

From Princess

Me: You know those girls you send away when I come up? There's one that sorta begrudgingly likes me?

Him, stuffing a 2nd Oreo into his mouth(there's already a whole 1 in there)

Him: Frahnthessga?

Me: Yeah! Can I fuck her?

….I should worry about my job again pretty sure Murder Panther Sugar Daddy is dead

~~~

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Wednesday 10:48pm

From Princess

We splintered the plexiglass-divider-shower-wall thingy. His solution was to just hold all 215lbs of me up in the air and finish. I have no words

~~~

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Thursday 4:12am

From Princess

I can hear him on the phone downstairs listing names. I don't know these people. I'm going in the bathroom to run water so I can't hear anything else

~~~

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Thursday 9:02am

From Princess

I slept thru a breakfast meeting. There's a laptop and a box of 1 doz Boston cream donuts labeled PRINCESS on the bar counter. He's watching news with Julio + Bastian on the couch. Odd but ok I got fave donuts so whatevs

~~~

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Thursday 9:17am

From Princess

On 3rd donut when I catch him staring. Can only see from eyes up bc he's peering at me over back of the couch. Have inadvertently activated Horny Murder Panther mode via accidental slutty licking of cream filling.

~~~

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Thursday 11:40am

From Princess

Me: I don't like avocado

Diego: bitch what the fuck

~~~

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Thursday 12:10pm

From Princess

He asked what the deal was with white people and meatloaf. I requested clarification on food or music. He's confused it's fucking adorable

BUT NOW I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE ENTIRE GENRE OF CLASSIC ROCK

~~~

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Thursday 2:14pm

From Princess

I'm making a meatloaf for dinner. Also brownies. TV is still on???

~~~

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Thursday 4:24pm

From Princess

Found a big round can of guava paste in the back of the fridge. He's spoon feeding it to me while watching me make meatloaf

Diego: I did not realize you were so… domesticated

Me, no brain to mouth filter: Yeah well gettin dicked down 3x a day will do that to a girl

Please send hitman asap

~~~

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Thursday 5:10pm

From Princess

He just turned TV off. Local news was listing all major crimes in NYC today. Last story was 6 bodies found inside meat plant freezer, execution style kills with "on-site" equipment. When I whisper Dafuq?? he distractedly mutters 'captive bolt pistol'

He's texting again

~~~

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Thursday 5:39pm

From Princess

I kinda wanna come home now

~~~

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Thursday 7:48pm

From Princess

I have converted another person to meatloaf lover (food not music)

On 3rd brownie when he declares: I am never letting you leave again. Mine now

Look up from rolling my eyes to receive Super Intense I Can See Into Your Soul Diego Stare

~~~

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Thursday 9:50pm

From Princess

He's looking for a scary movie via voice command on remote. Other hand is on my foot. I can't even see my foot. What is the actual purpose of hands that big?? What is the evolutionary goal to this endgame? ?? Why am I wet just thinking about a h a n d ?????

~~~

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Friday 12:34am

From Princess

Con: This asshole is delighted to learn that I don't like scary movies

Pro: Hiding my face in his chest means I fucking feel the rumble when he laughs at me. I think I'm developing a heart condition. Hurts again.

~~~

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Friday 1:40am

From Princess

He's rubbing his face all over my stomach. I don't like this. Sir why. Please it's literally the least attractive part of me

~~~

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Friday 2:11am

From Princess

He likes it…? I don't see. How does. But it's.

~~~

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Friday 3:47am

From Princess

He's asleep on my stomach after spending 40 min declaring his love for belly

I'm crying and I can't stop. My whole chest hurts. What is this. Is this the most long game prank ever. There's no way he's for real. I'm afraid. Do you think I should try to escape?? Please you know I'm not easily frightened but I just. Please text back I need my BFF

~~~

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Friday 7:18am

From Princess

Woke up in bed alone and naked. Gonna grab a shirt and handle this. I can't just ignore it. This is probably a bad idea but I can't just let it go. If you don't hear back from me by noon call my parents. I love you

~~~

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Friday 11:38am

From Princess

Halfway down the stairs 3 dudes I don't know come out of the office, Diego and Julio follow. They take 1 look at me and launch into laughter and some rude fucking spanish. I'm rusty but I know fucking "fat bitch" tyvm. Diego picks this mf up by the throat and throws him into the elevator. Drags the other 2 in and... no one has come back since

Been locked in the bathroom. I'm afraid to hear anything

~~~

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Friday 1:48pm

From Princess

Relocated to closet earlier. Reading. I'm 2 chapters in and I don't even remember the title. Gonna take an ativan. Hands are shaking

~~~

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Friday 2:27pm

From Princess

You know what? I don't even care. Like as long as it's never directed at me I just don't care.

It's too late I'm in too deep. I don't know if I can even come home after this. I'm not who everyone thinks I am. I don't know who I am. I'm turning the phone off now I'm sorry but I just need everything to stop for a while

~~~

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Friday 7:48pm

From Princess

I'm ok, sorry for the dramatics. Woke up still in the closet corner but under Ginormous Blankie and can hear shower running. Decide it's time to put my big girl panties on and march in there. No I did not learn from the last time. Standby

~~~

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Friday 9:22pm

From Princess

We're good.

~~~

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Friday 11:49pm

From Princess

Ok. Marched into bathroom, launched into speech: I'm sorry but I did not know anyone was here. You have to leave me a note or something. Please tell me I did not ruin anything

Him, still in shower: Get your ass in here.

It was a literal growl

~~~

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Friday 11:50pm

From Princess

Apparently that guy had been fucking up small time and Diego was waiting for him to fuck up big time. I will never see all 3 of them again (No do not ask)Yes it was frustrating but not mad at me. Ok a little because his sister hired that guy and now he has to explain the dude's ...disappearance. Without mentioning me. No one can know about me I am a "liability"

Um ouch..? I think?? Chest pain again

~~~

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Friday 11:51pm

From Princess

He's been asleep, I'm just staring at the ceiling. Demanded I let him prove that he would never put hands on me that I don't want. I thought he was gonna cry. I did start crying but said yes. Not gentle per se, but definitely ...emotional? Like soft sex. Slow soft sex but with emotions?? I'm lost

~~~

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Friday 11:54pm

From Princess

Please tell me no. Talk me out of this. Tell me I'm fucknuts and I need to just come home and be reasonable and sensible. You know when you stand at a ledge and a little voice tells you Just jump. Do it. Go

Do I want all in? Can I do this? I should not do this. I should not care about him. Especially like this. I just. When I'm not here this is all I think about. No one else makes me feel this way

~~~

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Friday 11:56pm

From Princess

I'm hysterical right? This will go away if I just sleep. I can't stop looking at him. Touching his face, hair. Ever since the Kitchen Blowup (after the first fight??is it a fight if you're not technically in a relationship?) he's been different. Careful?? Like he really listened to me and heard. I can see him trying. Like reining in his knee jerk reactions and stopping to think before he says stuff to me. What am I supposed to do?

~~~

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Friday 11:59pm

From Princess

I want to trust him. I want to be spoiled and fucked senseless and all the giggles and private planes and shopping sprees and sleeping in til noon. But what about the other side? Constantly looking over my shoulder? Worrying that he might not come home from whatever the fuck he's out doing? The other actual supermodel hot women??? I'm not naive.

~~~

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Saturday 12:10am

From Princess

I just need to turn this off. Shut it down. Cut off emotions and just fuck. I can't do this and I can't have him for keeps. So it's time to be realistic. After this shitty quarantine ends I'll take whatever cash he wants to give me and go home. I can move if I have to. It's not hard to change your name these days. This whole nightmare will be the hilarious rumors in my future nursing home

~~~

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Saturday 4:44am

From Princess

Got up at like 350 for the bathroom. When I crawled back into bed he yanked me backwards to be smashed into/under him. Buried face into my hair and ordered:

Stop

Leaving

~~~

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Saturday 9:10am

From Princess

Woke up alone. Gathered shirt. Did surveillance from top of stairs. Music blasting. Bastian and Diego are working out. I had to sit down for a while

~~~

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Saturday 9:40am

From Princess

Finally made it down the stairs. Eating donuts while watching live action porn

~~~

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Saturday 10:27am

From Princess

Show's over. Diego announces he is going to shower with a wink. I am staying on this barstool with my donuts. I am determined

~~~

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Saturday 10:38am

From Princess

Sharing donuts with Bastian. He is staring at me

Me: ...wut?

Bastian: You know I haven't driven Franchesca anywhere in 4 months

I don't know how long I've been sitting here staring at this half eaten donut but Bastian is gone

Shower still running

~~~

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Saturday 1:36pm

From Princess

Slut level 7: Shower blowjob

Realized I have to wash my hair now. He demands to do it??

Diego: How much fucking conditioner is this going to take?

Me drooling blissfully: Uhhh... please not that word right now

...I literally heard Horny Murder Panther transition happen.

He did not touch anything but my head. Came via voice command. How the fuck

~~~

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Saturday 1:39pm

From Princess

Then it was Round 2 still dripping wet in the bed. No idea how he recovered that fast not looking gift horse in the mouth. Haha Horse

Also slow soft again? Does this mean something?? I feel like I'm missing some key piece of info. Never had a dude like kiss all over my face and stroke my hair. What is this gentle?? Don't like the whole looking into my eyes thing

~~~

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Saturday 3:02pm

From Princess

Received an assignment. Was trying to budget for next month (on my new laptop! Whole Microsoft office package!! SPREADSHEETS!!!)

Instructed to help fix what I fucked up…?

It's resumes. He wants me to look at resumes. Um

~~~

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Saturday 4:12pm

From Princess

We traded laptops. I picked 3 resumes for 'warehouse labor' This is fucking surreal

Got my laptop back and… all the internet tabs were closed?? I was paying all my bills dude wtf. His phone rings but before he walks off tells me the title will be mailed to me. ?????

~~~

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Saturday 4:47pm

From Princess

He's still in the office on the phone. I'm in the closet in shock. He paid my loans. He paid my Loans. He Paid My Fucking Loans OFF

CAR

STUDENT LOANS

$$$$$ 30,000 $$$$$

THIRTY GRAND

~~~

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Saturday 4:52pm

From Princess

No you can't have him if I don't want him!! Fuck you

~~~

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Saturday 5:32pm

From Princess

Bastian came back, left a big box on the counter, said "This is for you honey" and left again. Diego still in the office.

...should I open it or wait for him to come out??

~~~

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Saturday 5:36pm

From Princess

Fuck it. I'm opening this shit

~~~

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Saturday 5:42pm

From Princess

It's a very large Brahmin bag.

Holy fuck its gorgeous

~~~

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Saturday 5:47pm

From Princess

You know what? You Know What?

IT'S KITCHEN BLOWUP 2.0 TIME

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Sunday 8:42am

From Princess

I think we're ok? I actually uh, accidentally recorded um… everything-ish. And I might send it to you later. But right now things are kinda wobbly and I just wanna enjoy everything while I can. I'll check back in later. We're going to bed now

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Sunday 1:58pm

From Princess

Woke up to 1 gigantic hand stroking down my back. 2nd hand stuffed up my pussy to the knuckle. Villain voice directly into left ear. Memory hazy after that

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Sunday 3:01pm

From Princess

Do Oreos in bed at 3pm count as breakfast? My hips hurt

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Sunday 6:40pm

From Princess

Ok we all know I'm very much A Freak. Trysexual if you will. Only way to know you don't like it is to try it right? So anal. Never really worked. Great in theory really unpleasant in practice.

Turns out others were trying to insert the wrong appendage. Related: I fucking love beards

e v e r y w h e r e

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Sunday 10:40pm

From Princess

Yes I know you wanna know about KITCHEN BLOWUP 2.0, someday I'll tell you about v.1. It's complicated. There are feels. I can't take the vague, wishy washy, up in the air status. So it went kinda like this

Me: You want to "keep" me? Wtf does that even mean?? And how, via purchasing me??? Don't get me wrong, I like being spoiled. I'm not an idiot. But you don't even know me

He looked like I stabbed him. It was horrible

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Sunday 10:42pm

From Princess

So I laid it all out: I lived in my car for a while in my 20s. Escaped an abusive ex after 8 yrs. Survived cancer at 26. Did 2 rounds of trade school just to be scraping by at like $15 an hour. That you just paid off like it was nothing. You try to protect me from you and your life. But you have no idea what I've already survived.

So here's the deal: You wanna keep me?? Then I get to keep you.

But it's everything. If I can't have everything then I don't want anything. And if it can't be ONLY me then I gotta go. I'm not a back up plan or a convenience.

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Sunday 10:50pm

From Princess

At this point I'm scream-crying, gesticulating like I'm hysterical. He's collapsed on the floor at my feet looking like I just killed his dog. Only makes me worse. I'm demanding an answer right fucking now. This is a disaster.

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Sunday 10:54pm

From Princess

He starts yelling about how he can't keep me if I'm dead. This isn't a fucking game and I'm just like Do I look like I'm playing right now?!?

Lisa, he was crying. Just kept repeating "She's right. She's fucking right. That bitch is right."

Head in his hands sobbing.

I couldn't.

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Sunday 10:59pm

From Princess

So I got down on my knees in front of him and reached for his hands. Just like the first blowup. I was terrified because he's obviously not in control and like I don't know the things he does but I Know. And the PTSD from ex… but I finally got him to look at me and asked him to just Tell Me.

And he did.

~~~

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Monday 12:04am

From Princess

If you had told me that night in the club that any of this would happen. That this man was capable of everything these past 10 months have brought. I would've taken you to the hospital myself.

He collapsed on me and was just begging me "Don't go don't go. Please stay. Stay just for now. Please. No one else no one." I have a lot to consider. Probably gonna be quiet for a few days. I'll text you when things calm down. He's asleep on my chest right now

~~~

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Monday 12:10am

From Princess

I mean 10 months...how many weekends have I been up here? 12? 16? And only twice did I reach out first and ask. I have stuff here. You saw the closet section. Every time I arrive there's coke and ketchup in the fridge. My face wash and toothbrush and a huge bottle of gel in the bathroom. Last time here he gave me the safe combo???

~~~

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Monday 12:14am

From Princess

YES THE SODA JFC

I mean, I've never seen ...other… in the fridge. I don't think it needs to be refrigerated???

I Don't Know Okay

~~~

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Monday 6:40am

From Princess

Woke up around 5 and he was just staring at me from like 2 inches away. He left once he realized I was awake. I didn't follow. He still hasn't come back to bed yet. Should I go find him?

~~~

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Monday 11:38am

From Princess

Found him on the couch. Coffee table covered in vast array of firearms. Did not realize there were so many in this penthouse. Little uncomfortable. But I'm a fast learner with good mechanical skills so now I can do gun stuff. Please don't ask me about it

~~~

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Monday 11:41am

From Princess

Ok yesss. We had the stupid movie cliche moment of big tough guy stands behind damsel to teach some physical skill. Gawd.

...yeah doing it feels better than watching. You happy now???

~~~

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Monday 2:28pm

From Princess

Mood swing. He declared vengeance on behalf of his closet. I have worn too many shirts. This cannot continue. ????? Stay tuned

~~~

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Monday 2:59pm

From Princess

This man runs the largest distribution enterprise in the western hemisphere.

Currently stuck in one of my $6 tank tops from Target.

~~~

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Monday 4:17pm

From Princess

I'm out a tank top. And a thong. Go ahead and just think about that

...But I'm still wearing one of his shirts :-D

~~~

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Monday 5:48pm

From Princess

Instead of admitting defeat he decided to forcibly remove the shirt from me. Since I have to be difficult, I ran. If this place wasn't soundproof there would be so many police here.

What level of fucked up is it to enjoy screaming No!, while struggling, not less than 3 sec prior to orgasm??

~~~

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Monday 5:52pm

From Princess

The scale only goes to 10. You don't gotta be a bitch. Damn

~~~

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Monday 8:17pm

From Princess

14 days will be up this Thursday. But they're talking about extending it, really bad here. I'm scared. Gonna try a drink, maybe ativan because I'm starting to freak out.

~~~

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Monday 9:57pm

From Princess

Watching the news and I just sorta came unglued. Diego not really a soft/gentle guy (obvs) but once I got thru a blubber-cry explanation of immuno-compromised and cancer treatment I got full lap cuddles. I want this every time I'm upset. Warm and solid and big hands and soft nuzzles and scratchy velvet cheek kisses. Feel so tiny and safe

~~~

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Monday 11:40pm

From Princess

Think I'm fukced up. Everything feels good. Petting all the things

~~~

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Monday 11:44pm

From Princess

I'm fiiiiine. One drink. Once ativan. Thats it

~~~

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Monday 11:49pm

From Princess

Omgod ill be fine it's good donot call me

~~~

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Monday 11:55pm

From Princess

What are fiddlesticks? Like the worrd not a instrument accessory?why do we say that

~~~

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Tuesday 7:42am

From Princess

Holy shit I slept so good. I looked back thru the texts. Wtf was I doing?? I don't remember any of this

~~~

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Tuesday 8:32am

From Princess

He's giving me that all teeth smile. I'm very suspicious. And surprisingly not horny?? Am I dying?

~~~

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Tuesday 9:46am

From Princess

Have been informed that I was very adorable last night. I'm afraid to learn his definition of adorable

~~~

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Tuesday 10:12am

From Princess

Omg he has 3 hours of video

~~~

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Tuesday 11:17am

From Princess

I spent 45 min yelling about Pluto planet status being revoked and the kilogram definition being forever altered. He was very invested in the 2nd part. Legit academic discussion

~~~

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Tuesday 11:49am

From Princess

Next part: I decided to make a fried egg sandwich. He started recording like a cooking show. I almost lit my hair on fire.

~~~

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Tuesday 11:57am

From Princess

Oh I see where everything went wrong. I had 1 drink and 1 ativan. Then I finished his drink. Then I drank his replacement. Why tf did he let me do that??

"You were so cute! How could I say no to this face, bonita?"

...I will remember that

~~~

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Tuesday 12:13pm

From Princess

Apparently we exchanged playlists. This is not good

~~~

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Tuesday 12:28pm

From Princess

Omg I revealed the Murder Panther Sugar Daddy title. Oh fuck. Shit shit shit

~~~

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Tuesday 12:42pm

From Princess

I spent 40 min petting him all over while listing everything I liked and why. He is going to be insufferable for forever after this

~~~

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Tuesday 1:22pm

From Princess

Lisa. Lisa. Holy shit. He said we made a porno. I laughed. He fucking narrated an opening to it. I am dying I am going to die I am dead

Him, offscreen: Diego and Bicki make a Porno!

Me, onscreen, twerking on the bed in lace bra

Me: eeeeeeeeeeeeeee ASS AND TITTIES!!!

Diego pops into shot, giggling: Pretty Princess Pussy!!

The whole thing just dissolved into shaky blur and us laughing hysterically

~~~

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Tuesday 1:24pm

From Princess

No I'm not sharing it. What is wrONG WITH YOU??????

~~~

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Tuesday 3:44pm

From Princess

It… did not go the way I thought it would. And apparently he had not watched it either because we were both surprised.

That. Was not sex. Seeing the soft slow with emotions from the outside was pretty damning.

That was lovemaking

~~~

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Tuesday 6:32pm

From Princess

I'm locked in the bathroom. Everything is fucked.

I just… I just hid my face and said "I want to go home." Like a fucking coward hiding behind my hair, I took off upstairs and now I'm here. It's been a long time. I'm still alone

~~~

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Tuesday 6:39pm

From Princess

No shit Sherlock, I know I have intimacy issues.

Men don't love me. Sure I'm fun to fuck for a while. But they don't take a poor fat girl home. Come on, you've seen it firsthand. Clearly, since here I still am by myself

~~~

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Tuesday 6:42pm

From Princess

I don't know what I was thinking. I don't belong here. Guess I'll just ride out the last 2 days then come home

~~~

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Tuesday 6:45pm

From Princess

I think Julio is here. I can hear their voices but can't make out the words

Oh no his sister is here. They're yelling in Spanish, I can't catch any of it

~~~

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Tuesday 10:14pm

From Princess

They screamed for a while, then she finally left. Been silent ever since. I don't know if he's still here

~~~

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Tuesday 10:40pm

From Princess

He's definitely still here. There's a tantrum going on

~~~

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Wednesday 12:32am

From Princess

Fell asleep in the closet corner again. Except when I woke up he was wedged in there with me

Me: … um

Diego: I think I see why you do this

Then he went to sleep on me

~~~

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Wednesday 5:48am

From Princess

Have been talking since 3. Still in the closet.

~~~

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Wednesday 7:10am

From Princess

I'm coming home when this is over. I need some time and space to think.

~~~

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Wednesday 7:12am

From Princess

Is that even the right term? Do you 'break up' with a sugar daddy????

~~~

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Wednesday 7:13am

From Princess

NO I WANT TO KEEP HIM

BITCH I WILL STAB YOU

~~~

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Wednesday 7:16am

From Princess

Gonna shower and go to bed. You mention that last text and I literally will stab you. BFF or not

~~~

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Wednesday 4:40pm

From Princess

Just listened to an hour of descriptions of Mexico.

I am… tempted

~~~

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Wednesday 6:54pm

From Princess

I'm flying home Friday, they just lifted the travel ban here.

~~~

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Wednesday 6:59pm

From Princess

No, no one is happy here. We're both clingy disasters today

~~~

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Wednesday 7:17pm

From Princess

Went downstairs. It's a war zone. We came back upstairs

~~~

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Thursday 6:19am

From Princess

Couldn't sleep so I'm packing. Diego is watching me from the bed with the biggest, saddest puppy dog eyes in existence.

Effect kinda ruined because I can see his bare ass

~~~

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Thursday 6:22am

From Princess

Why would you ask me that? You know he's an exhibitionist

~~~

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Thursday 6:23am

From Princess

I can't decide if you're the Best or the Worst BFF ever. Gawd

~~~

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Thursday 6:25am

From Princess

...IMAGE LOADING…

~~~

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Thursday 6:27am

From Princess

Yeah. You see my dilemma now???

~~~

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Thursday 6:28am

From Princess

Yes I bite it! What is wrong with you today???

~~~

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Thursday 6:43pm

From Princess

He spent entire day attached to me. I..??? What do I do with a clingy cartel boss drug lord?? Its too much

~~~

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Friday 8:52am

From Princess

I'm on the plane. He rode here with me. Looked so… broken. Feel like a monster. But I'm scared

~~~

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Friday 1:45pm

From Princess

Lisa. LISA. LISA.

I'm home but but he. Omg

~~~

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Friday 2:38pm

From Princess

There's a tiny stuffed panther in my bag with a note: I just want to be with you

My very own Tiny Murder Panther

#damnit diego #murder panther #zash writes #24 fucking 7 hours in this house #rough me up then dick me down #so many feels #literally filth #nasty ass food

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