SIX OF CROWS

SIX OF CROWS

Matthias: Hi. I'm Nina's boyfriend, Matthias.

Jesper: Why is he making that funny noise?

Nina: He's Fjerdan, Jesper. That's the way they talk.

paRdOn mE but I'm back on my bs (SoC and S&B obsession) and can I just say that the friendships and relationships in this universe mean the WORLD to me but show!Alina and show!Nikolai IS TOO IMPORTANT TO ME.

the problem w/ SAB s2

i finished the season about 30 minutes ago, so here are some thoughts

Heavy Heavy Heavy Spoilers under the Cut for all 8 episodes of Shadow and Bone season 2 as well as TGT, SOC and KOS duology. 

I’ll be honest. I think if I take my feelings on the source material out of the question, I really enjoyed the season. I know my friend and my sister who haven’t read the books really liked it. So theres that for one. I’ve said a handful of times that I dont mind if they change plot points as long as the bones stay true, and that remains true, the problem is, that they DID change the bones. for TGT:

To be honest, I was really alright with pretty much all of the changes up until the aftermath of the darkling/the folds defeat. Look. I know a lot of people want Alina to keep her powers at the end of TGT, its one of the most common complaints I see, and to be completely transparent, I too thought that when I first read the book when I was much younger than I am now. But I KNOW and I think you do too deep down, that she has to in order for the book to say what it is meaning to say. The entire lesson of the grisha trilogy is that power corrupts. Is that if you go against the laws of nature, if you push the boundaries of what is natural, of that power, that there will be consequences. And we see that to a point in the show right, we see that the darkling faces consequences for his use of merzost, and we see right at the end that Alina’s power has been corrupted presumably by her own use of merzost to bring Mal back. But this doesn’t quite work right. Because the whole point, is that Alina gave up her power knowingly, that she chose it because even though she loved her power, she loved Mal more. And she RECOGNIZED the path that pursing that power was leading her down, and she didn’t want that. So she accepted the consequences willingly, and took Mal and they led a happy peaceful life. so her a) not losing her power, b) sending mal away to be sturmhond (we’ll get there in a minute) and c) staying with Nikolai, just totally goes against what the story Bardugo was trying to tell was.

So WHY did they make these changes? I think so they could have more seasons. So that they could do KOS and include Alina (and Mal). By replacing David(rip)’s role in the triumvirate with Alina, they allow her to be present in the KOS plot. So I suspect (or maybe I just deeply hope) we will see Alina lose her power and fake her death (with Mal) within the area of the plot that should have been held by David. But again, this doesn’t really work right? Because David, being the one to work w/ Nikolai on his inventions is directly impacting the plot, and David’s death, after he and Genya are married, has a different impact both on her and on the audience. and on ZOYA, whos whole Garden scene is much less meaningful if the death she’s just endured is a fake one (presumably in this case Alina). Now I realize they’re probably goign totally off book now, but Nikolai and David’s inventions were integral to that plot, and Zoya’s garden is a big big big part of the BONES of the KOS duology. So… what now. I dont know.

Mal going off to work as Sturmhond just feels lazy in a way. They needed to keep Alina active in the plot for future seasons, and couldn’t rationalize him staying if he wasn’t with her (which is BS but I digress) and it also gives them an easy way to connect the two sides of the story by having Inej on the ship with him.

Which brings me to the THE CROWS

I went into it not expecting much from the crows storyline. I really didn’t. And until the very last moments I was starting to think that they weren’t going to do the jurda parem/ice court saga at all. But they clearly are. So. Here are my overall thoughts:

Not sure what the hells,they’re going to do since they used most of the plot points from CK in this. I mean, the whole takedown of Pekka, and the plague, and even a knock off slat fight and a knock off kanej bathroom scene. I mean really, the two best scenes in the entire GRISHAVERSE and they ruin them like that??? uhg. AND INEJ LEFT!!! Like the ice court heist requires her… and the OG jesper is a fabrikator reveal is so good, and now we have established relationship wesper? and I just dont know how any of that is gonna make any sense at all, and it just seems like they took all the best parts of SOC/CK and just… ruined them. Which, whatever, like I said, I didn’t have super high hopes, but its just they’ve now worked their way through most of the character arcs (particularly for Kaz and Inej) for the crows during that duology so like what now, ya know? I dunno.

Also pretty disappointing to see Inej without her own ship. But, I digress. I thought the whole shadow killing sword side plot was a bit contrived, and unncessary, could have spent that time building up Tamadia better, or dropping more hints about Zoyalai. Or… about a million and one other things.

I thought that by far the best part of the season was Nikolai. He was, far more than anyone else, the most true to his book character and character arc. I thought Paddy did an excellent job. He was the highlight for me 100%.

who are some of your favorite mutuals and why

Hi my lovely little anon!

Ahhh that’s not super easy! Buuut, I’ll go with:

(in alphabetical ordering 🥰) [also moots, I left your actual names off and just did usernames, cause I didn’t know if you wanted that out there!)

@b3kk3r-by-br3kk3r

Super sweet, protective, responsive, encouraging, similar interests, ADHD buddy, Freddy and Kaz simp buddy!, fills my dashboard with GIFs of my husband Freddy, etc. 🖤

#BbB🎩☺️

@ell0ra-br3kk3r

Puts up my craziness, super sweet, responsive, proofreads my drafts to give feedback, keeps me young haha, my moodboard buddy, Freddy and Kaz simp buddy!, talented writer, Jesper and Nikolai simp buddy!, Taylor Swift buddy, etc. 💜

#ElB🦯🎩 or #littlesisel

@emmymaehereeeeee

So open and honest, respectful but doesn’t put up with bs from internet trolls, my “Ducks and Sunflower” buddy, Austin Butler simp buddy, talented writer, so sweet and funny, etc. 🖤

#ducks and sunflowers 🦆 🌻 and #emmy Mae 💎

@galaxyholland

First, bubbs I miss you being on here 😭 okay, I digress:

Oh my goodness, one of my first handful of followers on here, so unbelievably supportive, always reblogged my works from day one without having to ask, sweet and talented, Holland & Peter simp buddy!, etc. 💜

#galaxyholland🌌

@justapurrcat

Okay, I miss you on here sm too bby! 😭 again, I digress:

Ahh, one of my very first followers as well, talented writer, provides such helpful feedback and constructive criticism, major sweetheart, kitten/cat lover buddy!, Tom/Peter simp buddy, fellow purple obsessed buddy, always reblogs people’s work with the cutest annotations, fellow lily lover (why’s there no emoji of any lilies?!) etc. 🖤

#Justapurrcat😻 and #LiLi💜

@lilisouless

Side note, that transition ^^^ is uncanny lol

Supportive, open minded, engages in debates, SAB and SoC polls, SAB/SOC simp buddy, comfortable critiquing and debating SAB/SOC books/TV/book -> conversion accuracy/characters/etc., keeps me thinking and living my SoC hyperfixation dream lol, funny, etc. 💜

#lilisouless👻

@theslayerofthevampires

So very supportive and interactive, very understanding, provides feedback on my work, one of my first few followers as well I believe, Tom/Peter simp buddy, comfortable chatting about anything and everything, creative, etc. 🖤

#theslayerofallthevampires🧄❤️

@toms-gf

Tehehe I’m so glad you’re back and active again, I missed you bubs!

Fun, talented writer, motivating, one of my first followers and followed me over from my other account (tumblr has hated me from day one and that account didn’t last long before I got locked out, and I hadn’t posted any works of my own yet), hilarious, runs -what she calls- a “whore house” including for Tom and Peter, sweet, etc.💜

#toms gf💖

And of course all moots are tagged with #mutuals👯‍♀️

This was fun, thank you! And to anyone not listed who’s a moot, I still lysm, we need to chat more! 🖤

And mwuah to all my followers! If you wanna be a moot, lmk and let’s interact more!💜

Do I have to post a title?

So, I did come here from twitter, but I always lurked here without an account. I started a Twitter bc I had just graduated with my MFA and I was told that I needed it to get my name out for my writing. Jesus Fuck it was a lot of work. A lot. Of. Work. I scaled back a ton in the last year and my engagement there diminished like Halloween decorations at the end of October (stop putting neglecting Halloween to put out Christmas shit! Sometimes I want to buy Halloween decorations right before Halloween!), then the whole Muskgate happened and now I am here, looking for another soc med home to be weird in. I can say...I am enjoying it a lot more.

I have to say, I found a few things interesting in the few weeks I have been here:

How much you post doesn't really matter. Twitter's algorithms make the need to post all the time imperative to be seen. I mean, yea. The more you post, the more likely you will be seen, but there doesn't seem to be an algorithm attached to force some things to the top. This is nice because trying to find things to post every hour min on Twitter was exhausting. No wonder ppl pay for soc med ppl.

I am having a hard time breaking habits from Twitter. Again, that algorithm is shit and it's all about engagement. But here, it isn't. I feel sad when no one has said anything or I don't have new ppl following me, then I realize this isn't Twitter and I can just chill and scroll and the Tumblr Gods won't get pissy like the Twitter gods do.

I like it a lot more. A lot of weirdos are here, and that is awesome. I feel like I blend in better than over "there" where everyone is trying to catch -and retain- attention. I am finding that sometimes that quiet scrolling is just what I need. Not constant bs tweets from bs people and political bs. Dammit, sometimes I just want to look at some cat pictures.

Thanks for being here, whoever sees this. Y'all are alright.

I have a genuine question about grishaverse because something has been bothering me and that niggling feeling is frustrating. I’ve gotten the impression from past posts of yours that you’re Slavic, I am too (Russian, but raised in the US), and I just...it feels like Bardugo used our culture for aesthetics. And this bothers me. It feels like she’s exoticized it and because it’s not a negative presentation versus the typical villain role, it’s fine. But it stills feeds into these holdover stereotypes of Slavs as other. But I want to get over it! Because SO many people I follow are getting into it. And because if it weren’t for this factor, it would be right up my alley. Plus, I liked SOC well enough when I read it. How do you ignore those elements and just enjoy it? (I swear this isn’t judgmental, I’m just dealing with a lot of FOMO 😕.)

Hi! Yes, I am Slavic! Glad to have another one of us here ^^

Your concerns are very valid. I had the same ones, I always do when we get representation in American media. The way Slavic people have been portrayed as dumb thugs, villains, and just as barbaric, has been a frustration of mine since forever. (And also the fact that to Hollywood Slavic means Russian - no offence to you!)

I’m gonna be honest and say that I don’t know if she did that. My understanding of cultural appropriation is very limited. Adding to that, she took her inspiration mostly from Russia, and since I’m not Russian (my country was part of the block but not the union), I can’t really make a fair judgement, yk.

From my perspective, it seems that Leigh did make an effort to research the culture. I can see in her writing that she respects the culture and wants to show it in a positive light. Since the whole story of the first 3 books (shadow and bone, siege and storm, ruin and rising) take place in Ravka, which is the equivalent of Russia, you can’t really portray everyone as a barbaric villain. And she didn’t. I can’t even think of characters that followed that stereotype. I don’t see the drunkard stereotype either. I mean characters indulge in ‘kvas’ but never more than i’ve seen in other stories, yk. The characters are not limited to their typical national traits, but are in fact very diverse and colourful. I don’t get the feeling of being portrayed as ‘other’ since the POV is Alina’s who is Ravkan. I dont get that sense in SoC with Nina either.

I liked the integration of Orthodox Christianity with its many saints and relics and rituals. Though at times it did really feel like a foreigner writing about it, rather than a believer (or an ex believer raised in the religion lol).

Ok, i take it back, there is one character that would fit the stereotype, but I’m not sure he was Ravkan. I think he was Shu (equivalent of China)?

One thing that annoyed me is that Leigh didn’t get the names right. It’s something Americans never do right when they write Slavic people. It should be Alina Starkova, not Starkov, which is the male version of the surname. Zoya Nazyalenskaya, not Nazyalensky.

As whole, I was happy with book. Maybe because we so rarely get any books set entirely in Slavic countries where the culture is not actively mocked, or the POV is not of a foreigner that comes to bring us civilisation or any of that other BS. I hope this paves the way for more writers to do that (properly) and maybe explore other Slavic cultures - we are all so rich in history and mythology (i mean you’ve seen the Witcher...).

Also i was just happy i can finally read and understand the ‘fantasy’ names correctly lol.

I hope this answers your question. Sorry, I’m not the most eloquent. If you have other questions, my ask box (and dms) are open!

DNI (do not interact) if you are:

racist | sexist | homophobic/transphobic/exclusionist/ against the LGBTQ+ community in any way | MAP | literally just being a bitch

about me

hello! you can call me silver, s, or ⛅️

I’m a mess most of the times, have barely figured out how to queue posts and have inconsistent reblogging schedules. I’d apologize but i really don’t care

currently into

-mcyt (mcc, qsmp, hermitcraft, dsmp, life series, empires)

-grishaverse (soc my beloved)

-books (forever and ever and ever and ever)

-(story) podcasts (wtnv, tscosi, alice isn’t dead, etc.)

-jrwi + whatever the hell charlie slimecicle’s got going on /pos

-team starkid / tcb / shipwrecked

-the owl house

-musicals

-dirtbag boybands and other cool musicians

-i’ve hateread sjm (and Many “booktok booksTM”), will slander it for shits and giggles

original posts will be under #silv’s back on her bs

asks are always open, and posts are always free to reblog unless specifically stated otherwise (all of my posts are made to make fun of my self)

Long ask ahead, sorry: Hey there i wanna ask how do i tell if, as an 8, have a cp/p6 (with w5) fix? Ive been inclined to say cp6 but maybe that just the 8? Also, ive thought of myself as sx/sp for a while but that made me feel rlly disconnected from like community and group in general, which didnt make sense cuz im very big on like “loyalty” and group dynamics. I also identified strongly w a Y/sp, but now it makes sense thats just my 6 need for stability so i can just leave sp as my blind. Just read chestunts the social 8 and that makes sense, but im still not rlly inclined to say im so/sx, but rather sx/so maybe? Or would the description change loads? Esp since the irl person example she gave was much more mellow than me and more cut off from their anger (am slowly integrating tho) and the author went on to say how soc8s can usually mistype as 9 or 2(i have 2 last so there were influences for sure) which didnt apply at all, ive always known i was an 8 (except for when i thought i was a 5 but i was just spiraling what a time). But yea anyways, i feel like after all this time im rlly close to figuring out EXACTLY what my combo is and i just require like some tweaking. So yea, how do i tell bw 8(w7 if that helps) w a cp or p fix and ALSO soc/sx vs sx/soc 8? Ughhhh this is so frustrating im so close

cont:  Ah fuck, follow up cuz i forgot smth. What prompted me questioning whether im a cp or p fix is that i saw the distinction that when smth goes wrong p6 blames themselves and cp6 blames others or like chance. I rlly dont relate to that and i often take taking responsibility for myself and my actions to the extreme actually. That being said, i dont much relate to the well, i dont wanna be rude but its the most descriptive thing that comes to mind - lack of spine, i guess, of p6, but again, maybe tahts just my 8 talking? ______________________________________________________________

I’m going to be honest here, I think Chestnut’s countertype theory focuses too much on behavior rather than motivation as has lead to countless mistypes (ie. soc 8 mistyping as a 9 I think is almost unheard of irl despite what she says, unless the 8w9 in question is delusional, has a heavy wing lean, and/or grossly underestimates their own anger and disagreeableness, which I suppose happens on occasion).  Saying that 8 would mistype as 2 or 9 due to somewhat catering to the group is an exaggeration.  In general, I don’t suggest trusting those descriptions, especially if you potentially relate to soc a lot and 8 a lot when viewed separately.   I think part of the issue you’re having here typing might be that you’re “not seeing the forest for the trees” (which is pretty common for Ne doms tbh, as they can be blinded by potential.), so if you find that what I say here isn’t super helpful to you, it may be worth exploring IV as separate to core as separate to your probable cp or p6 fix.

While I don’t really think differentiating p or cp6 is super relevant on a fix (as it won’t change a bunch of things), it’s worth noting that the boundary is not a fixed black and white plane.  Often, I’ve heard even 6 fixers note a back and forth between which strategies they take (p or cp wise) when dealing in the realm of fear and head matters.  Taking from the only person I’ve seen who potentially has a phobic preference attached to heavy 8 influence (ie. a 386, for reference), I find that a more phobic influence attached to 8 tends to look for “a safety zone” within trusted others and leads to an 8 who is a bit more communicative and obvious about their fears (unintentionally) than your average 8 (since 8 in general is averse to showing weakness).  86x combos, especially those which are not soc blind, tend to place a lot of importance on loyalty, hence an 8 with a more phobic preference seems to specifically lean on structure or having someone to have their back unconsciously/in a way they hope is not noticeable to others or they might even deny a lot more than one with a more cp preference.

The addition of a 6 fix isn’t going to magically emulate sp, if you related to S?/sp before, you might want to look into so/sp, as any 86x combo is likely to appear pseudo sx anyways due to the level of reactivity and intensity that comes with double reactive combos in general (however I’m not one to tell people what they are and what they aren’t, so if you’re confident in sp blindness, feel free to ignore; I’m going to talk about all three instincts for sake of organization)

Sx is the instinct most connected to its own instincts and desires.  8 and 7 both are id types, hence both fixated or instant gratification of desire and specifically have the vices of lust and gluttony respectively.  Understanding that conjunction, we can understand that a sx 8w7 would not only be the most desirous types within the enneagram but the one with the least self-control.  Without a concern for mental and physical limitations (ie. sp blindness) and with catering for others only being a secondary focus, sx/so 8w7 is inclined in average health levels to almost single-mindedly pursue its desires, often regardless of risk nor how they will be perceived (unless of course it threatens other sx desires of course).  Comparatively to so/sx at least, it will be more disagreeable and reckless by nature.

Soc by comparison is the instinct most connected on power dynamics and unconsciously, so I suppose we could argue that Chestnut’s description at least caught onto the fact that soc 8 would often be the least disagreeable of the 8s.  8, by the mechanics of the type, however, will never be disconnected from anger and are by nature disagreeable and even as the “countertype” that is no exception.  Focused on gaining power and avoiding being limited by any means, both so/sp and so/sx are inclined to be more “calculating” than the other 8 subtypes (though still moved by instinct and impulse; We are not talking about the level of calculation of 5 or 6).  The blatant aggression and desire of 8 will be somewhat tempered by comparison by an understanding of how to navigate power dynamics and understanding of how their actions effect the group (though this will not always force them to yield). Desires may also connect directly to the group or community as well, which I suppose may be where she’s getting the 2 bs, but 8 is by nature a self-serving type by comparison. So/sx still lacks sp, so while more self-controlled than sx/so, so/sx is not considered to be self-controlled and maintains that lack of knowledge on personal limits.

Autistic Six of Crows Headcanons Part 1: Matthias

yeah I’m back on my bs

so SoC and CK are very very close to my heart

for obvious reasons

and that part of CK absolutely destroyed me

so here’s some evidence for everyone’s favorite druskelle

Matthias is better with animals than people

in a modern au he’d be the guy who gets dragged to a party and then hangs out with the dog/cat/lizard the whole time like me

and when he picked out his wolf boi Trassel, he went right for the outcast doggo, the one who was least like the others and most vulnerable for it. that’s such an ND mood- it’s easier to be different if you band together with the other different ones you can find. safety in numbers and safety in the inherent understanding you have of each other that neurotypicals can’t reach.

he is intensely loyal. in the beginning, and when we get his backstory, it feels like blind loyalty to his country. for autistic people, this is a common experience. a lot of us trust authority to a fault and have a hard time disobeying rules. we push aside what we feel and think if it doesn’t follow what we’re taught. this is a hard habit to break, and we see Matthias struggle real hard with it throughout both books.

there is not a single Social Skill in this man’s brain. relatable.

he wants to court Nina properly, do everything right, the way he was raised. and he feels out of place and guilty doing things otherwise. (he gets over it, because, well, it’s Nina, who wouldn’t, and the way he overcomes these mental hurdles in terms of their relationship feels very familiar to me)

hyperempathy can be inferred from just... how he acts all the time

for someone whose character is based around how much he doesn’t trust anyone, it’s easy to win his trust. he doesn’t really understand how much Kaz and the others have going on behind the scenes because he takes what they say at face value.

he cares so much it hurts about a few specific goals (and doesn’t hide how much he doesn’t care about everyone else’s side stuff). and he’s honest. those qualities link to make him the most genuine character in the story. not that that’s specifically an Autism Thing and it’s kinda a stereotype, but from my experience it’s just... how we are. we have a hard time lying and when we care, we care A Whole Lot

why did you retype as 3 fix? I'm almost the same type that you wrote in your desc and I don't see having a 3 fix the way you describe it in your tags at all.

Lmao I was joking in my tags. I didn't retype because of astro bs. I retyped for the following reasons:

4 core/fix means a sense of lacking unicity and so a quest in pursuing it. But I hadn't that feeling I had to prove how unique I was, or that I wasn't unique enough or too normal and bland. I know I am unique, I know I have my specialness, my color. So, I basically have no issue with being unique and so don't do image things as a mean to feel unique. I use my unicity to stand out, to somehow get the attention for something else, but not to prove it.

There was some few behavioral patterns that cued me toward 3 too, but of course, i investigated the why behind, I'll come to it later. But one of those behaviors is how I kinda lowkey show off. It's subtle behind a screen, but irl it was hard to miss, especially when I gave "class" to my clients. I have a way to reclaim the attention and to actually "act" and incarnate roles when I give some fictional examples. I become the center of attention very easily if I desire it. People actually listen to me, they get hanged on in part because of the context too, I shine when I am in my domain of expertise. I noticed this tendency on screen too, but it was easier to convince me it was for something else since I had the time to think (and so distort my perception like a real Ni dom). But basically, in one of the gc discord I am, the first thing I did when i first talked was to get to how I clothed myself at work (and how I stranded out at work because of this) and actually sent pictures, which lead me to "am I really showing off like a fucking Prada??". So... this showing off made me first question about a 4w3 fix, but the 4 component didn't seem to be the main reason for those attitudes.

So here I came with "why tf am I doing this? What motivates me?". And first thing happening is me having no conscious clue of why. Which is already fishy imo, especially for a 4 fix that usually totally know when shame hit them. In general, I barely notice when I felt shame until very recently when I could finally catch the feeling, even if it wasnt the predominant one. It was about failing, failing to kinda succeed and show how competent and resourceful I was despite my lack of expertise in those circumstances. It lead me to an "anger crisis", close to an anxiety attack, but I was just utterly pissed off, felt powerless af, disappointed and lowkey ashamed. One of my coworker took me away and took time with me so I could decompress, and this is when I felt the most shame. It should be a client crying out of frustration, here, where I was sitting, with my coworker taking care of them, not me a fucking social worker actually on a fucking shift?? Wtf?? I almost wanted to avoid my coordinator to explain him what happened, I was scared to get reprimanded, even tho it is totally not how we proceed at my job. He just welcomed me warmly and questioned the deeper reason behind. I already had part of the answer, but I was still too emotionally fragile to think it out. In the end, i realised I was kinda seeking some approval, some praise in my 5 ways. It is not predominant, but it was still there.

Also, I thought back about my childhood and how I was raised on the Image side. I kinda found that I was really attention seeking with my parents, and the way to get it was to be good at "things" (like drawing, or school. I even took dance classes, and got the praise of my parent, my mom particularly). In fact, rn I realise the image part was to gain the attention of my mom since I felt she was more absent than my father (thus the 5 core in part, + my father fucking up), and the way to get it was to be good and get good. But, she still accepted me when I had harder time, like poorer result, and didn't impose strict standards either, so that's why it ended up as a last fix. She supported me in my difficulty, but I still learned I needed to demand attention and be somehow performative to get it. I always was seen as the unique precious daughter, so the 4 always was well fed in me, but I end up using it in a 3 way to boost the result of what 3 wants to get. Appraisal, admiration, a sense of worth through its achievement.

So, overall, that's the main reasons and reasoning leading to it. Being soc blind kinda eliminated many stereotypical 3 manifestation, so it made me question for a while. But, it explains better the shame aspect and my on and off relation with emotions (omitting 5 core and 1/9 fix really don't help the case either...).

GANGSTER OC ANON IS BACK and I’m making an rp server for all out soc bs AS SOON AS MY EXAMS ARE OVER. As for my oc - doesn’t have a name yet but she runs the Prince’s Gate gang - the members are called the serving men and women

HELLO AGAIN GANGSTER OC ANON! Your OC sounds really cool, and I like the royal theme too! Exams can definitely kick ass when your trying to do these things so hopefully they’re over soon!

VIA Anon: I've got a few questions, I'll send the second part of this in a second ask. Would anyoneteam have any knowledge/ experience on getting a full hysterectomy top surgery without any other bottom surgery? How difficult is it (*in general*)? Etc I've been on T for 16 months (so 1year requirement is surpassed) but all surgeons I've seen or heard of go by the "standard of care" which only states top surgery first & then bottom (but that I'd need two additional letters of recommendation asking about Hysto before top surgery, ask continued). I have Medicare/Medicaid (which covers transition related surgeries if you fight them tooth and nail) and just don't know how to help make this whole process easier for my doctors or where I should go. Does anyone on the Mod team know if it's easier for trans (when compared to cost girls) guys to get a full hysterectomy at this early? Ex; "must have birthed 2 kids or be 35 and spouse approval" BS, would those be excluded? -------------- I had hysto first, then top surgery myself, at a fairly young age (under 30, no kids). While difficulty is dependant on location and surgeons, you can definitely find agreeable surgeons if you shop around The WPATH SOC definitely don't state you have to have surgeries in any particular order.  they don't even say you have to have any particular surgeries at all.  they specifically say that options for surgeries "may include" breast surgeries, genital surgeries (including hysto, and genital reconstruction).  may include means specifically "not required but is allowed" The standards also specifically don't require 12 months of hormones- 12 months of hormones are listed "if appropriate for gender goals" (so a nonbinary person who doesn't want the changes that T causes, for example, doesn't need to go on T just to get a specific surgery).  There's a lot of misconceptions of what's in the SOC and it's helpful to read it yourself, and point out clarificaitons for your doctors (and any insurance) to help push back if you need to appeal any denials.    Since you're in a state that allows medicare/caid to cover trans procedures, (even with difficulty), that's helpful.  you should have access to providers that are able to do the procedures.  You also should be able to access them at a younger age, with medical reason (trans/dysphoria being the reason), than a cis woman.   From what i can tell, there are no states that require you to have birthed kids, be a specific age, or have spouse approvall; these are doctor specific limitations, and super misogynistic ones.  They impose them "so they won't get sued for regret" later, but honestly, i would not trust those doctors with a houseplant.   Mod mayhem

2018 wrap up

wew ok a few days late but better than never!!

2018 is filled with many regrets and learning opportunities🤧

- finished year 1 of poly, and honestly i never imagined that i would be able to grow to like anatomy and biology as I do like chemistry and math more (other than forensics)

- went for Shanghai OIP which really changed how I view the world, thanks codie for being my ronnie kek + first hand experience of sleeping in front of lecturer tgt LMAO

- completed csop!!!!!! being a welfare is tough esp if your co-welfare is alr sick before day 0 and has a phone that lags a lot lol... but it was a great experience and i’m so so so glad to have igneel as my first csop subtribe

- stepping up as maincomm was terrifying as suddenly i had another role??? as dhs?? nani is tat. lol admin work here i come yayyyyyyy but it was a good learning exp since i learnt to have more confidence and responsibility in the things i draft and do!!

- inaug made me so grateful to meet people that really made me who I am today

- soc training damn tiring and finally realised how AGLs feel dealing w our BS lol MISS ME WITH ALL THE BULLLLLLSHIT

- night cycling was soooooo tough cause event got cancelled, bike broke down, 3 recces almost took my life, actual day raining heavily like WTH BRO MAKE UP UR BLOODY MIND U WANNA RAIN OR NOT!! but glad i met people that i got much closer to!!

- lac damn problematic lmao plan alr cancel then plan again x5 lol not funny siah ct week we rush 3D bonding camp lol tiring af no sleep leggo! lac execution was tbh super draining and like messed ip my sleeping schedule damn jialat like i sleep at 2+/3am i wake up at 5/6am go school settle logs and proposal:( but all in all, lac went great and i’m so touched and glad the gls came back for ALL 3 days

- organic group damn toxic but i love y’all all so much yes even rishi who kpkb me the most but haiz his art skills damn good but for the wrong reason ah:/ grateful to have gotten to know jess cause legit can click w her and like bro she likes mma too???? broski be my sis pl0x!!! + q glad to have gotten closer to htet cause he legit q fun + q grateful for izwan they cause legit reassure this insecure bij to the max hahahahaha

- most impt point but legit cannot spread cuz i fricking trust all of u guys here!! finally really liked someone srsly in 2018 even though it’s in the worst circumstance right now, i hope it will get better in 2019 and i really really really hope everything goes well. the last time i liked someone so srsly was in sec 2 and that guy was just an immature asshole @flo you know who lmao!!! but glad to have known him and that we share so many common interests and can click well!!!! kinda hate myself cause i overthinking 24/7 and just making myself feel even worse

- ended 2018 and started 2019 on the worst note possible but i really, really hope that me and him will actually have a good ending haiz

lang prof tip (charot)

hello nakwento ko na ba’to parang ndi pa so eto nga around august last year, o ediba kasagsagan ng buwan ng wika and ganyan tas people know naman na super against talaga ako sa sep na’to like kahit nasa lipazay pa ako kulang na lang ipa-audit ko englic0m ganon so anyways basta i dont see the point. kung para lang naman pala sa funds talaga, my point was, is, will always be edi ndi kayo effective na org?? like why trump student’s freedom on speaking the vernacular???? worst part of it was, mismong mga officers di sumusunod???? like hello??????????? it’s a fact na as a how&why/yes-o officer kelangan kong magtapon sa tamang basurahan yeps pero hello??? general rule naman’to??? di mo kelangang maging how&why officer 2 du this bruh. pero as an english club officer, kung san ur enforcing a rule na napaka-waley and discriminatory, aba naman. sumunod naman kayo sana diba??? like drink ur own poison ganern

ayan done na tayo sa back story. marami pang factors/reasons as to why i vehemently oppose pero ETO NA NGA mumsh may pa-talumpating PT sa fil subj namin & i chose to deliver smthing na may kinalaman sa mga wikang meron ang pilipinas. the development of the speech lead toward me ranting abt SEP in general. around this time din, nag-tweet ako abt sep & omg this is where sht hits the fan

may nagsumbong!!!! hala sobrang oldsch. napatawag ako and ndi lang 1 admin kundi 2 silang kumausap saken! yes naman. most ambitious crossover ganern. and as some1 who wanted to olivia pope my way thru, my best exit out of it was to remain passive-aggressive. i let them talk. i let them rebut kasi omg sobrang out of context nila & my brain cells cudnt find the time to argue with theirs. ofc i talked naman ano pero WHAT FUCKING MADE ME LIVID THE MOST WAS THE FACT NA THEY READ A COPY OF MY SPEECH!!!!! putaena?????? like that was meant 2 be within our room lang pero ganon???? dito na ako nagwala inside and nagpaka-bitch in front of them. i asked kung san ba napupunta ang funds ganyan. and same bs lang naman sagot nila. i remember telling them n (nv), “i think the sch should opt for other means of getting funds po. bc marami po sameng di po talaga kayang magbayad.” but hello???? their reason was “e kung susunod ka naman, d mo kelangang magayad” victim blaming at its finest!!! in the end, i made them look like they win. lumabas pa naman ako ng buhay pero para na rin akong nilibing ng sch ko.

best revenge????????????? i didnt delete my tweets. i let them stand. kahit na public ang twitter acc ko, i felt how my free space was invaded. ganun pala feeling. bihira na nga lang ako mag-construct ng tweets on my own bc of my soc-anx tas ganon pa???? i never had the chance to verify kung sino nagsumbong pero i hope the btch rots in hell. i told this nga pala abt my mum and being the wonder woman she is, tinanong nya’to abt sa pinsan naming abogado and hello btch, wala akong kasalanan. so as long as daw kasi na di ko minention ang sch, they cannot blatantly crucify me for expressing my opinions. boo yah!!!!!

in the end, sana matigil na’tong assumption na if ur better in english ay mas marami kang opportunities sa buhay. itigil na rin ang pagiging prescriptive sa grammar esp kung the usual banter lang din naman. the general rule now is kung nagets mo message, keri na. wag mo nang patulan ano? 

pero kung formal and business context, dito tayo dapat sadyang mag-exert ng effort. sa dami ng youpeeji na nalaman ko from my frendz, langprof and rc ang pinakababa kasi nga there’s this underlying assumption na “ay language lang naman.” oh edi ayan napala nyo (no offense mga brad) pero this doesnt mean SEP is a helpful tool. mas makakatulong pa panonood ng subtitled movies, tv shows ganyan. gawa kayong index cards of vocab words kung may time kayo ganon. lagay nyo rin sa msngr nyo yung wordsworth na bot para everyday may-kachat kayo abt new words!! intindihin nyo rin lyrics ng mga kanta para pak esp rap songs bc dito talaga mae-enrich vocab nyo ((although grammar doesnt play well here kasi may hanash minsan na “he dont” ang mga songwriters just 2 be able to match the rhythm)). magbasa rin kayo ano. ang lalaki nyo na tamad pa rin kayong magbasa. kaht porn magazine basahin nyo kung ayaw nyo novels. aarte pa ba. babasa lang e. 

as for our own language, wag sana tayong mahiyang gamitin ito. isa ito sa mga pinaka-makagandang wika sa mundo bc filipinos are able to coalesce emotions and meaning, e.g. the words “kilig” “charot” “keribels” to a degree that cant be translated into english. for us filipinos, iba ang degree ng malandi, maharot, makire, ahas (char) pero in english, u cant quite translate it 100% without losing the context diba?? “silya” and “upuan” ay magkaiba pa raw acc to our constitution pero wag kayo maniwala. parehas lang yan. aarte pa. 

ayun lang!!!! THANK U FOR LISTENING TO MY TED TALK. WAG ELITISTA PAGDATING SA WIKA!!!!

Imaginary Convo w/ My All Time Crush

*Oh, hell yeah, I got a handful.*

Diaryeah —

My imagination’s reeling. I’m having an imaginary convo on Messenger with A.S. I'm letting you in. Shush. 

Me: Pssst...You’re still up? 

A.S: I can’t sleep. Might as well jack this off...

Me: What’s with the dot, dot, dot? A cue for me to begin sending nudes? 

A.S: LOL You know me so well. 

Me: Use your imagination, soldier. I hate SOC. 

A.S: Wha- Why, oh, why? 

Me: Too tedious and frustrating. I’m a lefty. Can you imagine how hard it is to type with my left hand whilst playing with myself all at once? 

A.S: I can’t imagine it. I have a very poor imagination. 

Me: OMG. You’re doing it again. 

A.S: Doing what, again? 

Me: Down-playing. You’re downplaying yourself to me again as if by doing it numerous times, I’d finally kiss my dream of one day helping you jack off in person goodbye. Not gonna happen. LOL

A.S: *Typing*

Me: Are you about to disagree? 

A.S: You don’t know if I really am imaginative. You sound so sure, hun. 

Me: Baby, you forgot I’m your staunch stalker since 1990. I’ve read every status update you post on Facebook, clicked on and zoomed in on every travel picture on your timeline, the tagged ones too. It’s just so hard to believe you aren’t imaginative like you're claiming to be. From where I'm lurking, I could see how drawn you are to places that are conducive to auto-summon one's imagination: deserts, lakes, mountainsides, parks... you even like walking by your neighborhood at night, when it's dark and quiet. Do you see now why I can’t believe you have such a poor imagination?

A.S: Hey, 2%...

Me: 2% what? 

A.S: Battery’s about to die. Gotta go. Night, Oddburd. 

Cue in the sound of my heart and dreams shattering to pieces.

*Great. Even in my imaginary convo with him, I end up scaring away the Wizard of San Jose. I’m such an idiot.* 

Bs. 

Most, if not all, of our actual chats on Messenger, end up with me feeling like I scared him away. Either it’s me or he’s playing my psyche. Actually, I believe it’s me. The Wizard naturally has better things to attend, not to mention, loads to carry than to stay up all night talking with me. I do have stuff to do and loads to carry myself as well but you know, it's simply nice to imagine sharing beautiful, sweet, warm, and tender things like that with him.

BBs. 

I was reading Schopenhauer’s Essays and Aphorisms when I came across his take on Imagination and suddenly A.S. bubbled up in my thoughts. 

I was brought back to the very time I first sensed that he was downplaying himself to me, that very time when he told me he had very poor imagination. 

I found myself wanting to tell him the exact words in my imaginary convo but thought against it because I chickened out. I, instead, went immediately hyper-fantasizing that he was spooning me ever so tenderly and warmly — probably as a way to frantically overwrite the not-so-nice ending of my imaginary convo with him. 

—KID, 03 Oct 20, Monday, Outlyingville Subd.