#at least the rest is easy
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finally got all the cleaning done that i was supposed to do yesterday meaning i’m still behind in cleaning 😔
#at least the rest is easy#just dusting and vacuuming#i should also put some shit away in my room but that’s low low priority#only bc the guy is coming on tuesday and i’ll have to be like ‘and that’s my room’ so it shouldn’t look Insane#but he ain’t going in there. at least not this time. so i’m not that worried about it#anyway god i hate dusting#also i have so many piles of books and papers all over most surfaces in my house. i am not looking forward to having to put shit away#tirah talks
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I think it would really benefit people to internalize that mental illnesses are often chronic and not acute. Some of us will never be able to jump the hurdle of managing illness, much less sustaining a sense of normalcy. Many of us will never "recover," will never manage symptoms, will never even come close to appearing normal - and this is for any condition, even the ones labeled as "simple" disorders or "easy-to-manage" disorders.
It isn't a failure if you cannot manage your symptoms. It isn't a moral failure, and you aren't an awful person. You are human. There's only so much you can do before recognizing that you cannot lift the world. Give yourself the space to be ill because, functionally, you are.
#mental health#mental health advocacy#like... anxiety and depression are often concieved of as simple and easy to manage...#...but that isn't the case for so many of us. anxiety and depression just have a lot more research invested into them...#...and while i wish this were the case for literally every other condition it does alter people's perception of you to some extent...#...so while this is NOT solely about anxiety or depression it includes us...#...my anxiety and depression and PTSD have *destroyed* my life. this is chronic and will probably be life-long...#...and that isn't my fault. i've done the fucking work but guess what? that doesn't account for the fact that I Am Just ILL#the least we can do for each other is to be compassionate#be compassionate to those who cannot heal. be compassionate to the people who can't manage their lives. this world is scary enough#recognize that management of symptoms is something not all of us can do - even IF their condition is labeled as 'easy to manage'#i allowed myself to feel angry that i can't heal 'normally' and that was unfair as fuck toward myself#and i NEED people to internalize this so that MAYBE this could help somebody else who is where i was#i NEED them to understand that it's okay that they are where they are - sometimes shit just doesn't turn out how you expect or want#don't beat yourself over you being a person. you are struggling enough. you deserve to rest. just rest please#and just... give yourself space
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doing wayyy too much for it to be unrequited
#like what the fuck was the cabin scene. what the shit was that.#why would they film every scene they have together so beautifully. whats going on.#surely the editors were like ‘hey mattross… this shot of will and mike looks uh… really queer’#surely SOMEONE realised they were filming a gay romcom at some point?#like if they’re not meant to be in love w each other then i will question everything about their film choices.#like this is not how u do an unrequited romance. at least one that u dont want the audience to root for.#like even if this ends up being painfully unrequited i will rest easy knowing they share the prettiest scenes together#sorry for going insane over byler cinematography on a random wednesday afternoon#mine
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Honestly, I'm very excited to find out what happened to Caleb and Beau, but specifically because Ludinus's current status is WILD for Caleb's epilogue in particular. It means his boyfriend is basically free and clear of everyone who has explicit material knowledge of the deal he made. It means the goal he planned to dedicate his life to is basically complete within six years. It means that virtually no one left on the Assembly cares much what kinds of changes he makes to Soltryce from here on out.
Ludinus is on the moon and probably not coming back, given the general expectations of the heroic fantasy genre, and the rest of it is a whole lot of "not Caleb's problem".
What does this man even do with the rest of his life?
#also who succeeded vess. this is the real question. no one in that role isn't fucking evil.#I'm just thinking about it. I don't imagine they'll have the same kind of time in the one-shot to go through epilogues again but like.#I do hope there's a lil bit. I wanna know what caleb does knowing that this massive problem is no longer a problem for him.#I am admittedly also presuming that margolin was implicated in or at least disgraced by the scourger shit cuz like#that's just not an easy thing to claim you knew nothing about lmfao#and fuck 'im#but like. the rest of the group is just. whatever yanno. but does caleb keep pushing? idk#I think he should get to be headmaster he'd be great at that#but then I am a caleb as magical headmaster truther so#ANYWAY I just want to see it. I wanna see what caleb looks like when he has absolute freedom before him.#it's WHAT HE DESERVES DAMMIT.#critical role#caleb widogast
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#making memes to cope with the imminent wotshow withdrawal#at least we can rest easy knowing another season is guaranteed! not many shows have that security#wot#wot on prime#the wheel of time#and i know we're all moaning about how s3 might be another 2 years away but like. at least we know we're getting it!!!!#plus i'm sure they don't WANT a 2-year gap between every season if they can help it so s3 might come more speedily#i think filming is close to done. but defs possible there will be similar post-production delays/slowdown as s2 due to strikes etc
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for something as trivial and simple those feelings sure are hard to get rid of
also made a gif a version for fun + alt version with no tears under the cut
the gif is in very low resolution...this is a feature (i could make it bigger but that would require saving each frame individually and than glueing it all together. also i feel like low resolution suits it better. aesthetically and fits the mood)
#hs#homestuck#dirk strider#eye strain#probably? if you think i should tag something else let me know!!#anyway hooray its time for rambling in the tags#so uhhh heres the teæ i've been sick for like a week and you know how it is when suddenly your throat becomes the main gunk warehouse#and you can't breathe lol. wish i could just pull it out. anywaaayy this is basically a vent piece for me being sick lol#also i could draw remotively the same thing with kris deltarune. oh how easy it is to project having a cold#though i have been also experiencing troubles with feelings recently as well....how fitting for dirk#speaking of the man himself (enough of me) his relationship with his own Heart...is peculiar to say the least#the thing i love about alphakids is that despite being so feral they were. so relatable. i cannot stress this enough how unwell they are an#and how they represented being a teen so well. yeah being 15 years old makes that to you#imagine being an emotional mess and trying to fit the 'norm' and act normal about your friends so youre not offputting#and then you fall in love with you friend and your ai clone falls in love with him too looool noone makes out of this one alive#uhh literally. godtiering stuff and dying remember#and speaking of it. tw for suicidal talk for the rest of tags#do you ever think dirk was suicidal. of course the part of when he teleports his head to jake was totally planned and he knew he would ->#wake up as dreamself but. don't you think the moment he cut his head off was sort of. cathartic. how much did he hate his own guts#beheading himself not only for the plan...but also because he thought he 'deserved' it#also wow he is a Prince and was literally beheaded don't you think its funny hahaa#sigh poor thing#this has ended on a not the very pleasant note hm#also fckkkkkk i didn't draw anything with rose/mary for the lesbian visabilty week#(putting the slash because tumblr search system has a dumb gag with showing you posts that contain the tag inside the other tag.#and i don't want this post to show up for the ros/mary fans because it's not!!!! its rose's father emotional crisis post!!!!)#update YOOOO WHAT THE HELL THE GIF HAS EVEN LESS PIXELS THEN I PLANNED fantastic#this your breakfast now tumblr. enjoy your crunchy flakes of dirks meltdown. mwah
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Ok but what if…
#my art stuff#pizza tower#peppino spaghetti#fake peppino#bruno#mr stick#pizzaface#luigi’s mansion 3#poltergust#poltergust G-00#and the toppins would act as the toads#brick would probably be peach as much as I’d love his sniffer to make him polterpup#maybe one of the toppins replaces polterpup instead? maybe pineapple? why not.#i have no reasoning for it other than liking the pineapple a lot#I know it would make the most sense to make the bosses the BOSSES but I am so tempted to make them the base enemies cus I’m biased#but I suppose we could find a way to squeeze em into the characters#pepperman would obviously be morty so that’s easy at least#I honestly don’t remember all the bosses enough to really place the rest tho 😔#but as base ghosts pepperman would be the hammers. noise would be an oozer prolly. and honestly unsure about vigi OTL#I still haven’t finished the game past noise tho so I can’t speak for mr dude that I’m technically not supposed to know about yet#spoilers#just in case#digital art#whiteboard#i have literally no idea if anybody’s done this yet but I do feel pretty foolish for not thinking of it sooner.
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Danyal Al Ghul doodle dumps from my Danyal Al Ghul Au. I was thinking about Him earlier today, and thus decided to draw him. Tis good headshape practice, and just drawing practice in general. You can spot the time difference not by the lighting but by the fact Danny suddenly has curls. Plus an honorary colored version because it twas one of my favorites
#dpxdc#dp x dc#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dpxdc crossover#dp x dc crossover#dpdc#danyal al ghul#danyal al ghul au#older brother danny#mediocre starry art#fun fact this may be the Only Danny who i may actually ship with Sam lol#im not a big amethyst ocean shipper so it came as a surprise#POC Danny Fenton#careful he’s got a knife. sorry. did i say knife? as in singular? my bad. i meant to say that he's got KNIVES. as in plural. yeah. yeah.#i know easy mistake to make. yeah he's got approximately 200 of them currently stashed On His Person. be careful he's like a stray cat#Starry Give Danny Short Hair Challenge. Difficulty: Impossible#front profiles my beloathed#at least im getting the hang of front profile heads and stuff. not so much the rest of the body#at least not without a pose reference#danny’s facial scar bleeds when he’s pissed as phantom#but it bleeds a LOT when you trigger his obsession
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rest easy, satoru. it's not easy to accept it, or let you go, but i know you're happier, you're finally reunited with suguru. thank you for your hard work. we'll always love you ☆
#satoru gojo#the honoured one#the six eyes#geto suguru#gojo satoru#gojo sensei#rest easy#jujutsu kaisen#maybe a little dramatic#but im legit crying rn#jjk#jjk manga#otp#at least they're finally together again#stsg
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Atla live action 😐
#thats my honest reaction 😐#to be fair ive only seen 20 minutes of the s1 finale bc my parents are watching it but. mmmmm kinda mid#like. the casting is definitely an improvement since the last time they tried a live action but it feels like the writing falls flat#or maybe im being harsh bc ive only heard negative criticism on it beforehand. but fr anytime u bring up the original its already#good and not just because its the original. so much fucking detail went into it to the point of someone noticing azula wielding mai's knive#to how well thought out irohs character is used as a way of uniting the cast especially as zukos foil#i heard that sokkas sexism was toned down and i have to agree that feels like a cheap move. like i get WHY they think it would be better#but its not about how that reflects on real world its about how it affects the story. sokka starts out as a misogynistic asshole because#it makes it that much more impactful when he changes. toning that down makes it flatter and makes his character development weak#and someone pointed out they didnt even make him wear the kyoshi warrior uniform and i know it feels like such a small detail but#come on man. they did that in the original because not only does it help him really walk in their shoes - wearing 'feminine' clothing and#makeup and having suki explain its significance but it also ties in with the shows theme of harmony and intersectionality#i was also disappointed when they had the fire sages explain how the water tribe draws power from the moon because in the original it was#IROH who explained it to aang and everyone else BECAUSE we as the audience is under the impression hes with the 'bad guys'#and it builds up to how he learned from the other nations which reconciles his past as a war general and his character overall#AND its an excellent starting point for the cast and audience to understand how the nations arent as closed off as you would think#plus you would think its only fire nation doing propaganda but they expanded on that with earth kingdom censorship and it WORKS#a lot of things in the live action also feel arbitrary like. they gave momo a near death experience for 5 minutes for no reason#im firmly on the stance of bringing back filler moments instead of putting major events right after each other so that u give your#audience a sense of time passing and to really absorb the story. but i think thats more like shock value than filler and yeah its a small#thing to gripe about but those things build up and its really annoying. the thing abt avatar filler moments is that however small#its at least meaningful. hell even the beach episode emphasizes how isolated zuko and his friends are as child soldiers#i also swore to never watch the first live action since it was that bad but i really liked the stylized tattoos they used for aang#anyway. those arejust my thoughts. im not gonna watch the rest because im a ride or die for the original aftr growing up and#rewatching it at least 20 times as a kid. but theres definitely room for improvement and i wish ppl wouldnt take it as 'better' just cuz#netflix is adapting it. i wouldve killed for them to just reanimate the entire avatar series and touch NOTHING ELSE no redub#no changes to the story. just reanimate the thing and leave the rest alone and youd make easy money just the same#ALSO its very jarring not hearing jack desena and dante basco voicing sokka and zuko cause their voices were the most recognizable to me#i get that its because its live action but im allowed to feel a little sad abt that. and uncle irohs accent was really soothing#yapping
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I found this to be such a random comment until I realised it was Balgeum saying it and it suddenly felt so heavy
#his money trauma runs so deep he cant see how his behaviour hurts inho much more than any money issues could#or maybe he does and its just that bad that he cant physically stop himself#when he told inho to go back i was like my man he cant keep coming back until you have enough money to feel secure#if you dont deal with this now that insecurity is gonna run for the rest of your life and even if you do have money youll always worry abou#losing them and not be able to enjoy the comfort that comes with them#and youre always going to base your feeling of self worth on them#and your happiness and everything valuable in your life would be so easy to destroy#itd crumble#i want him to see the truth so bad it hurts me watching him go through it#im happy he was at least honest with inho#thats a step#hes gonna have to take a lot of small ones too#all of these hurt boys ugh#its such a pretty show and the comedy is fun and the acting is top notch that it makes me ignore how much sadness there actually is in ever#episode#and i recommend it as a light watch because they mix the sweet and the sour so well#but i feel for all of these characters#including hyejin lol#boys be brave
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lupe is right, btw.
the way the team treats her is absolutely unfair and yes, definitely inspired by (casual) racism. her role as a mexican woman in professional baseball team parallels both the (much more outright) racism max faces as a black woman in baseball, and the (much more explicitly treated by the show) casual homophobia most of the characters face, including within their own team
she's a terrific pitcher, yet she's probably - and rightfully - hyperaware that the fact that she's not white makes it entirely likely that she's going to be passed over in favour of a less talented white pitcher. in fact, given that she's probably in her early to mid thirties, this kind of shit has definitely happened to her before
and then dove sees her and picks her as his star player, sees her talent, and sure, he's super racist, but at least he gives her a chance to do what she loves and is legitimately great at. and she's loyal to him for that, despite his subpar coaching
and then the rest of the team latch onto that excuse to exclude her from the secret practices, for an entire week. is it any wonder that, when carson comes to check in about her arm, she does not believe that carson is actually concerned, and that she gets the impression that carson is only there for completely selfish reasons, bc she realised they're not good enough without lupe?
and THEN she offers to coach, with very good arguments, and the entire team (bar jess <3) unanimously and immediately rejects her? like shirley's "not the right energy" - not the right colour, you mean.
and through all of that she stays calm, collected - grumpy, sure, but she never ever has a temper or lashes out. she puts all of that aside, the exclusion and the rejection and no one recognising her value, to work together with carson, and it work for the first game, and then the second game, she tries to get Carson to listen to her about pitching again, because lupe is a coach now and a coach gets to make this kind of decision, but carson immediately shuts her down, making it obvious that she doesn't trust lupe's assessment of her own body and of the risks of the game, acting like she gets to have the last word, like she's the actual boss even though they're supposed to be working together
and then greta comes up and tells her TO HER FACE and completely unprovoked (all lupe is telling her is to butt out from coach talk, which is completely normal, greta refused to act as coach) that no one is going to pick her over carson and why is that indeed??? greta doesn't say "i side with carson" or "i think the team would agree with carson", she says "no one would pick you over carson", there is no other way Lupe can read that as anything else than racist, and even if it wasn't, the team's trust in carson over lupe is rooted entirely in the fact that carson already got to act as a coach during secret practices bc they excluded lupe, again, based at the very least on subconscious stereotypes, on a complete ignorance of lupe's position as a mexican woman in professional baseball
and then, during the fight on the pitch, carson says "i didn't ask for this but we have to - " and therein lies the problem, doesn't it? she didn't ask for it but she gets it, something lupe desperately wants and is at least as qualified for as her, bc carson is white. is it any wonder lupe snaps? and then carson accusing her of doing fuck-all when that is VERY MUCH carson's fault, because AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS VERY GAME lupe asked to be allowed to do something again and carson shut her down. of course lupe loses her shit! she is right!
and then, even though it is very much at the very least carson's shared responsibility that they got there, it's lupe who gets demoted as a coach. jfc, i'd also stay on the bench - why the fuck would lupe do anything anymore for a team that treated her this way, or step up to save carson from the mess she put herself in by being unfair to lupe?
and then she tries to get that through to the rest of the team and no one listens and carson calls her a headcase, as if lupe probably hasn't spent entirely too much time being called crazy just for being a mexican woman, and carson cries and that garners her the sympathy of everyone except jess (smth smth white fem-passing women's tears being seen as sincere and vulnerable while woc/butches are seen as hysterical or aggressive or weak when they cry)
and DESPITE ALL OF THAT, when jess comes to call her out (jess who's supposed to be on her side and yet somehow sides with the team against lupe two separate times, bc jess is white!), lupe stays relatively calm and explains it to her, despite the incredible vulnerability that must have demanded. when carson apologises, lupe immediately forgives her, immediately grants her her trust again, and immediately treats her as a friend. even greta, who has never apologised for being an outright probably racist dickhead to lupe (gay for carson or not, that was violent and completely uncalled for), we never see lupe be anything but nice to or about. she doesn't hold a grudge at all.
lupe is actually impressively in control of her anger, especially given the circumstances - the worst you can say about her is that she is grumpy and that she snapped once after swallowing the team's bullshit for months. sheis incredibly quick to forgive, incredibly trusting, incredibly generous with her friendship to everyone who shows her even the slightest bit of kindness
(except esti, who she is a dick to, but that's another angsty post about 1. lupe almost exclusively lashing out at the ppl she loves the most (esti, jess who she punches in the face) and 2. another way the team is legitimately racist, which is them refusing to learn any spanish (except, again, jess <3) and acting on the assumption that bc lupe is also a latina, esti is her responsibility, despite the fact that it's not like she, like the rest of the team, doesn't also have other stuff to do than babysitting a 16yo)
the fandom absolutely sometimes falls into the trap of the exact same subconscious bias as the Peaches, and the show does that on purpose, i'm sure, to smack us in the face with it during the convo with Jess, but there's still a surprising amount of defensiveness surrounding this, it seems. which is a pity, bc god, what a phenomenal character, and what a story she gets if you pay attention
#lupe garcia#aloto#aloto meta#lupe did NOTHING wrong#and she deserved A LOT better from the team#and YES the rest of the team are (at least casually) racist#like IT WAS THE FORTIES#why is it so easy to believe that shirley is in fact exhibiting homophobia#but impossible to believe that carson greta jo and jess exhibit (varying levels of) racist prejudice#like it's right there??? are we watching the same show???#you can be queer AND racist that's still true in the year of our lord 2022???
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me: MY HAIRLINE IS RECEDING OH NO OH FUCK
also me: full time student (worth noting i wrote stupid here at first without realizing), 20-30 hours in customer service every week, teaching myself 3/4 classes, teaching myself advanced algebra with a teacher (basically just a proctor) who shuts down any/all asks for help, juggling college financial woes, navigating dying relationships/people abandoning and/or attacking me bc i don't have time for things i used to anymore, none of my hobbies are making me happy when and if i have time for them,, i have no time for myself, i'm on my second all-nighter this week, i'm perpetually exhausted in a way sleep isn't fixing, my body aches because i'm so tired, and i'm barely able to stay asleep when i do get the chance bc the anxiety wakes me up
my hairline: two hops this time!
#i'm so stressed man#sehtoast rambles#sehtoast vents? fuck if i know#i just feel like i can't get ahead#i used to be able to get all my shit done by friday and have the bulk of the weekend to myself#but that's not doable at all this term#i just had a whole ass mental breakdown over fucking homework#like i'm almost grateful T made it near impossible for me to cry bc like#i was going to have a whole sobbing crying breakdown and at least i only had to feel the mental and physical anguish of it instead#it's 3am and i just made coffee so i can do the rest of my work#luckily the last two are super little in comparison but#i can't keep doing 30 pages of notes with 10 pages of homework and a 40 question 'quiz' for math#on top of making like 7 excel spreadsheets a week#not including the 50 page readings for management plus the 50 questions that follow and the writing assignments#i'm so glad my ids class is easy. dr s is my personal jesus christ for being so gentle with her students#idk i'm just... really not doin well rn#at all#idk if anyone read this far in#if you did ily and appreciate you
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i think my coworkers and friends think its a little excessive that Im so militant about my sleep schedule but its hard to describe the extent to which the terrors fucking get me if my circadian rhythm is even a little fucked up
#see. if i fall asleep by 10:45 or so usually the RLS doesnt start up#but if i drink a coffee too late. or im out late. or stressed. or dont get much sleep the night before#it puts me at precipitous risk of getting fucking got#and then its genuinely some of the worst suffering i ever experience... crying pacing self medicating panicking etc etc etc#would take food poisoning over a bad RLS night easy. at least inbetween the vomiting you can sometimes get some rest#rn trialing a med that totally zonks me during the day but its worth it as a PRN cause otherwise ill be zonked ND a bitch if i dont sleep#to delete#resident good#my coworker like.... you wont even go out to dinner before a work day? not if its after 9PM bro otherwise theres a chance i Will Not Sleep#and not only that I WILL suffer the whole time#man Im frustrated too! I wish I wasnt like this but thats the bitch of living with a poorly understood movement disorder!
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I'm feeling a little upset with myself that I'm not further down the recovery road. I just really feel like I should be better at taking care of myself by now, and some of the things I'm doing now I should've done a long time ago.
I gotta remind myself that at least I am recovering, like maybe I could be better by now but I definitely could be worse. I've already been a lot worse and those years feel long behind me, which I guess means I really have come far.
And I've already beat myself up over the past enough, now it's time to move forward, being mad I didn't move forward earlier just keeps me in the same loop of never moving on.
#recovery#healing#encouragement#self care#self kindness#i feel better than when i wrote this earlier#but i still don't understand how i'm *still* bad at resting and eating#i'm trying to keep a positive “at least i'm trying” attitude but it's not always easy to
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I hope my coworker isn't ever on NCIS tumblr because I'm about to tell you I just mentioned NCIS in the break room and excitedly told her about the Tiva spinoff, and she said "ugh" and talked about how much she dislikes Ziva and how her character "made no sense" LOOOOL
#i changed the conversation topic as fast as possible haha#it seems she fundamentally misunderstands Ziva's purpose as a character and her character arc#or fails to see how it is inspiring#like she escaped her awful family and made something of herself other than a killer#that's the whole point#her argument was that it made no sense that the team would ever accept the sister of the guy who killed kate#like..... the fact that they did is why its an emotional moving piece of fiction#but ok lol#tiva#ziva david#at least i can rest easy knowing shes not one of the dozens of people reading my fic when i see her on ao3 in the break room 😂#anyway I dearly hope she isn't on tumblr but she is hi! no hard feelings! lol
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