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angeart · 4 months

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fic recs

speaking of fanfic tropes, i was meaning to make a post about my absolutely favoritestest fics that live in my heart rent free.

in no particular order:

• you came at the brink of the end of the world

[AO3 link] - by anonymous

currently unfinished at 84k words and 21/? chapters

insane about this one. insane. it's beautifully written and scar calls grian trouble (best thing ever and nobody can convince me otherwise) and grian is a bundle of unknown magic and memory loss and trauma and it's just overall great. trust me.

this is from the official fic description:

[grian is falling from the sky, scar has more magic in his blood than he realized, and everyone else is so much better at seeing than they are]

tags include strangers to lovers, slow burn, hurt/comfort, memory alteration, pining, found family...

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• and like an arrow, you broke me down.

[AO3 link] - by mochiwrites

currently unfinished at 81k words and 14/? chapters

traumatised sad birb grian gets thrown straight from the grief of 3rd life into the middle of last life. of course the first thing he does is get away from southlands (martyn???) and beelines for scar. there's confusion and emotional damage and man. it hits hard and it's wonderful and i absolutely love this one. also a beautifully written fic (yes i'll say this for all of these bECAUSE THEY ARE!)

tags include angst, hurt/comfort, PTSD, survivor guilt, protective scar/grian, touch-starved scar, and canon typical things like violence and referenced suicide

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• closer to another shore

[AO3 link] - by remrose

currently finished at 56k words and 15/15 chapters

this one is sooo heartfelt and heartwrenching and sad and good and. it just makes you feel things. the way they delicately navigate around each other. the way it all goes up in flames anyway because they can't have it any other way. the way their steps keep bringing them inevitably back together.

scar and grian start as exes, with the circumstances of their break up murky and mysterious. and scar needs help, and grian offers himself.

there's a lot of pain and guilt and weakness (because how can they help but be weak towards each other?) it's wistful and tragic and hopeful. it's. it's something. (and did i mention it's beautifully written?) (it is) (just go read it really.)

(i'll also throw this bait at you. this bit. this: Grian was the absolute most infuriating man Scar knew. It was a shame he loved him to death.)

tags include soul bound, mating rituals, panic attacks and anxiety, hurt/comfort, chronic illness, insomnia, guilt, slow burn

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• lost in the dark (he's got a heavy heart)

[AO3 link] - by definitelynotshouting

currently unfinished at 51k words and 9/? chapters

this one. THIS ONE. gosh where do i even begin. there are some deep, raw, self destructive feelings here. grian is a watcher in the sense that he is a creature that feeds on emotions, and he's dangerous and starving, and things have gone so very wrong. he just doesn't want to hurt anyone ever again. he's going to do everything he can to take himself out of the picture just to prevent that. (yeah this one is HEAVY.)

the writing. the writing. it's so so so beautiful. i know i keep gushing about the same thing for all of these fics, but. there's something so intricate and pretty in the way the words are woven in this one. i'm absolutelly entraced by the language. it's so pretty.

this is the hunger au if any of you are familiar with that name.

like i said, this one is a whole different kind of heavy. tags include angst, hurt/comfort, suicide attempt, starvation, eating disorders, body horror, trauma, self-harm, injury... (the light at the end of the tunnel is the recovery tag mkay)

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if you go read any of them, make sure to look over AO3 ratings and warnings and tags for cw/tw stuff!

#ange rambles #fic recs #my absolute favourites #these are wonderful i promise #S tier

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synthetickitsune · 1 year

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you write a lot for soohyuk, i was wondering if you’d consider writing for park joongil? his mom was awful in that past life and i can imagine her wanting to marry him off again and that relationship with his second wife would be so painful and sad and your guidelines say you are open to writing angst so if you do consider this thank you very much!

Anon I love you for this idea?? I wish my writing skills were better to do it justice but this concept is the perfect angst material?

Park Joonggil (Tomorrow) | Married again angst | 0.7k TW: mentions of suicide

Watching your husband, separated only by a few steps as the cold air makes its way inside the house through the open door, there’s a tight feeling crushing your chest.

Standing right under the edge of the roof, only a breath away from the falling rain, Joonggil’s just a husk of his past self. You’ve heard about the fate of his late wife - who hasn’t. So many see it as the best thing that could happen, his own mother included. You’ve always wondered if they’re all blind. Because as tragic as death inevitably is, the loss of life before one passes is all the more painful.

Blind but not stupid, nobody expected your marriage to be easy. On the contrary, however, it’s been smooth sailing so far. Perhaps you’re sharing the last speck of fortune that you were given.

Anyway, the marriage works well. You were never suited to be a wife, to carry and care for a child, the household, and so when Joonggil approached you on your wedding night and as respectfully as he could expressed that he won’t be able to give you a child, nor the love you’re worthy of, it came as a bittersweet relief.

You care for each other, sure, but that’s about the extent of it. You’d be lying if you said you haven’t developed any feelings at all for the man. They’re a luxury you can’t afford, a guilty pleasure to indulge in whenever Joonggil brings you a gift from the travels duty sends him on. When he hands the objects to you, the smile never reaches his eyes. You’ve wondered more times than you can count whether there was ever an unspoken this made me think of you behind the gesture, or if they are just to keep appearances.

You’re not naive enough to hope.

A part of you, one set on hurting you, wishes you could’ve met his previous wife. Joonggil never speaks of her, which is understandable, and you don’t push him, you don’t ask. Nonetheless, you’re curious. How unique that person must’ve been to capture Joonggil’s heart so? How wonderful she must've been that her death left behind a hollow shell of a man? You've only stopped doubting love is real after you've witnessed his devotion. How painful it is that you're not the object of it.

Sometimes you believe he wishes he'd have died with her. Other times you wonder whether, maybe, if you died people would believe him cursed and finally let him be alone and mourn the loss of the love of his life as he wishes. Even if that was the case, however, you could never take your life. You know that his mother would only push for another wedding. And more importantly, you could never do that to him.

He still gets woken up by nightmares. Even tonight.

You know he can feel your eyes on him and so you get up. He's not stupid. You know he knows. But you have to keep up the charade. You're careful not to dirty your clothes as you step outside.

"y/n, go back to bed. The night is cold," he speaks without turning towards you.

Your name. Not wife like he used to call her - an information bestowed upon you by his mother. Apparently all that she does and says has to have a victim. Something to torment.

"Come back inside, Joonggil," you ignore his advice, "You're leaving tomorrow and you need strength."

He sighs.

"I'll be just a minute," he finally looks at you, giving you a slow nod. You return it, and just like that, you do as he’s told you.

Polite, short conversations, the usual. Come morning, he'll be gone before you can wake up. It hurts. Night seems to be the only time you can talk freely, without curious eyes and ears spying you. The rejection stings more for that.

Maybe it's for the best that he's leaving.

You’ll dutifully play the role of a wife missing her husband and you’ll play it well. It's the only role you play without pretending.

#tomorrow #mbc tomorrow #park joong gil #lee soohyuk #lee soohyuk scenarios #lee soohyuk imagines #lee soohyuk x reader #drabble #angst #requested

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paellegere · 1 month

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final thoughts: supernatural season 12

i've been nursing a terrible headache all day and so i freely admit my opinions of this season may be negatively influenced by this. maybe tomorrow i'll wake up and realize it wasn't actually that bad and the real enemy was my brain all along. such is life.

i'll say upfront that i liked this season much, much more than season 11. not hard to do and the bar is in hell, but i think it's a good perspective for me to keep in mind while i write this. let's go.

i'm going to talk about mary first. i really like what she brought to the table. she created such natural conflict just by existing, and that's damn good writing. she was handled with so much nuance and care, and i'm extremely pleased by this because i pretty much hate everything else in this season, and actually i'm surprised with how well they handled mary compared to how poorly they handled everything else. that's just bizarre. pick a struggle guys you're hurting my brain.

but no, i love how she's developed as her own person, and how she gets to go off on her own and leave her kids and how that has major consequences but she's still not painted as a bad or neglectful mother for doing that. in fact she's not relegated to the flattened role of "mother" at all, and that's genuinely something special for this show, since it tends to keep their side characters to reductive caricatures that best suit their purposes. that would have been a really easy trap for the writers to step into, since that's the role she's had for the entire show up to now, the ghost of a mother haunting the narrative. she had very little character outside of that (except for her kickass part in 4.03, have i ever mentioned how much i love in the beginning? fuck man). but still the writers let her transcend that role and become something far more complex. i really love that :)

an aside: all of the winchesters, actually, get this incredibly nuanced treatment that hardly any of the other characters do. i like how much care and attention are put into crafting this fucked-up little family. it's definitely one of my favorite dynamics in fiction, probably ever. every one of the winchesters has so many layers to peel back and explore, such complex identities, and contradictory, human personalities. i love what connects them and drives them apart and how that's so often the same thing. they're really great characters who fit into their roles well, never too over- or underused. the family is very well done.

anyway back to season 12. i've been holding this in all day but now i'm finally going to complain about the british men of letters. because i'm sorry but they're kind of stupid 😭 and by that i mean their operation makes very little sense, and the rapid developments of their plan are so unattainable and nonsensical. you're going to wipe out every single american hunter? with your little team of 10 people? and to what end? i get they want to exert control, but first of all, this is missing the whole entire point of (american-style) hunting, from a doylian AND watsonian perspective:

hunting thus far has been presented as a deeply traumatic, solitary life decision individuals have made after experiencing a tragic loss or otherwise had a life-changing encounter with the supernatural. they're not recruited, they have very little support, they have an old-fashioned, underdeveloped communications network, and again: they're solitary creatures. they make their own decisions, play by their own rules, hunt their own game. it's suggested that most or a majority of hunters seem to go after exclusively the supernatural entity that got them into hunting in the first place, and only the more prolific hunters have a wide range of skillsets.

this isn't something that can be controlled. and by that i mean, wiping out every hunter isn't going to stop hunters from existing. because as long as there are monsters, people will continue to be traumatized, and people will continue to hunt. even if you wipe out an entire generation, you can't stop a random individual from having her family eaten by werewolves and deciding to hunt werewolves down from now on. no matter what the BMoL try, this is an impossible thing to control, and it's stupid to try. again, from both a watsonian and doylian perspective.

the actual motives and objectives of the BMoL are so all over the place and messy that it's really difficult to follow throughout the season, too. first you're going to torture sam for information—all the while bragging about how much intel you have access to and how much you know about the winchesters. if you know sam so well, why don't you know any other hunters, huh? why do you need him to tell you? but i digress. then you're trying to recruit hunters to work for the men of letters, and it's all friendly and inviting and organized. then you're going to exterminate all the hunters because they don't want to listen to a foreign organization no one's ever even heard of and has only been in the states for like 5 months? they're portrayed as nothing better than petulant children who can't stand that the girl on the playground wouldn't give them her dolly.

and honestly that would be fine, in isolation, i guess, if the whole portrayal of the UK didn't weird me out on so many levels. i don't know what goes on in the UK, and also i didn't read harry potter, but the whole "secret magic school" and "secret magic society" thing feels so reductive and bland. like okay you have a real-world hogwarts. sure. can you at least try to be more creative about this. i was fine with the men of letters existing outside of the US, that's to be expected and i was actually excited to see what would come of that. but as soon as they put in a fucking magic school they lost me.

like first of all, why is the UK soooooo developed in this area where the US lags behind? are other countries following the UK's example? is europe equally monster-free? is the US the last haven for monsters??? and if the BMoL are so advanced, where the hell have they been for ummmm (bad at math) what, 60-ish years now? they just let the US chapter die and cut off communications? no attempt to support the country whatsoever? leave the US to rot? until just now, after some random americans kicked off 2.5 apocalypses. yeah sure. i can get behind that (heavy sarcasm). it's just—be realistic. if you're going to make such an advanced and all-powerful organization, where the fuck have they been all this time? the scale should match the presence.

my ideal for the BMoL would have been a much smaller scale organization that utilizes black and white ideology to train killers, preferably infiltrating judicial organizations to maintain peace and provide cover for hunters. they shouldn't be like. running the fucking government or whatever this all-encompassing scale is that the show presented. it was a cool and interesting idea to bring in the men of letters. it was not a cool and interesting execution. it barely holds up to any scrutiny and requires so much handwaving and excuse-making that i just cannot get myself to like it at all.

ok. rant over. i've already mentioned all of the other plotty things that annoyed me about this season in other posts, so i'll move on from my complaining.

i'm going back to mary because i love mary. what i like is how sam's relationship to mary throughout his life is, in a big way, paralleled with sam's relationship to mary after her resurrection. he never gets to confront her abut what she did to him and what she caused. the only person who ever gets to talk about this is dean, both in 12.14 and in 12.23. and maybe other people disagree with this choice, but i really like it. i like the distance between sam and mary, because that's who they are to each other. they never got a chance to know each other, but they are the impetus for each other's suffering. sam never got to know his mom except through dean, who acted as a medium to impart acceptable knowledge to his brother. mary never got to know her son at all. and when she comes back to life, this dynamic, this chasmic distance, remains between them. and dean is caught in the middle of them, just like he's always been throughout his entire life. i think by making mary's presence in season 12 so dean-centric, the show managed to highlight just how wide that chasm is between her and sam. sam doesn't get to speak up for himself or talk about his past or tell mary anything about himself or who he is. dean tells her for him. just like mary never got to tell sam anything about herself; dean told him for her. the dynamic persists, and dean remains caught in the middle, ever sam's protector and shield and greatest advocate.

sam was actually pretty damn wonderful this season. i'm clinging onto sam's character arc to distract from my angry disappointment with the british men of letters. the transition and development from mid-season 11 to 12.23 was awesome and well-paced, which is frankly something i didn't know the show knew how to do anymore. so i'm extremely happy with how subtle and natural the buildup was, especially for a show that doesn't have the word "subtle" in its dictionary. i don't think i have nearly any complaints about how sam was handled this season honestly. maybe some nitpicks, but no serious complaints. he was just great. he reclaimed agency and willpower for himself in a really unique way that didn't compromise his enmeshment with dean (and thus didn't backtrack on any of the previous toxic relationship developments that have happened, like i'd feared would happen), and he grew in a very positive and interesting way that i really enjoyed. go sammy :)

the whole apocalypse world ending in 12.23 was way too drawn out and overdramatic, also i still hate lucifer's rewritten character, also i think it was deeply unnecessary to lock mary in there with him, also why was cas even there at all he did Literally Nothing and then died immediately, also why did it take so long for the portal to close after crowley died, that's so unbelievably contrived and stupid as hell—

BUT. otherwise i liked the finale. if i ignore the whole apocalypse world thing it was great, even. big win for me since i did not like season 11's finale (big shocker). i'm really tickled that sam was the one to find jack; i think that will create some interesting developments in season 13 so i'm looking forward to that. i hope jack imprints on sam like a duck. based on posts i've seen floating around tumblr, that's more or less what happens so i'm excited about that lmao.

anyway. this was the longest 4.5 days of my life. i'm going to detox like hell after this, because lord knows i need it. i haven't decided what i'll watch, so it might be more movies or maybe a miniseries. who knows. but i desperately need to funnel some wincest fanfiction directly into my mouth now. something to cleanse me of this season. thank you and god bless 🙏

#liveblogging: supernatural #i'm going the fuck to bed!!!!! good night #i cannot believe i watched 9 episodes of this fucking show today #my desperation to finish was palpable #.txt #spn reviews

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charcubed · 1 year

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Listen. I'm going FUCKING. INSANE. because it seems like almost no one on the internet gives a shit about Shy Baldwin/Reggie Harris from The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, which boggles my mind because like ???? they're in love?????? and their relationship is so compelling??

And what we see of what becomes of Shy's story is so tragic obviously but to me it also hints at potential for him and Reggie to maybe someday get out of showbiz and be together. And from what I can tell, no one in fandom TALKED ABOUT THISSSS when season 4 came out!!! What the fuck!!!!! This is maddening!!!

So. I'm making this post mostly to get this off my chest and as a yell into the void. Because maybe somewhere, someday, someone else will ALSO be searching tumblr to see even a glimpse of content about these 2 exceedingly compelling characters, and I will write this so that I save that person the despair of coming up empty-handed like I am.

I'm also gonna drag other people down with me if anyone who hasn't seen this show happens to be curious enough to read this, so in that vein, I will cover some basics to outline this. Because I want to TALK ABOUT THEM despite most of this being obvious and no one giving a shit, Goddammit!!

(Spoilers or whatever I guess but who cares)

This is Shy Baldwin. He's a singer (clearly) and canonically a Black gay man who (obviously) has to hide his sexuality because this is set in the 60s.

This is Reggie Harris, Shy's manager and longtime best friend.

This is how Reggie introduces himself:

Let me tell you what kind of manager I am, Susie Myerson and Associates. I've been looking after Shy since we were kids tossing rocks in vacant lots. We was running numbers for Stephanie St. Clair before we were ten. When he found his singing, I collected the money, kept him out of trouble, kept people from bumping him. I'll be at his side when he draws his last breath unless I get there first. I would lay down my life for him. That's what's going on here. You hear me?

–3x02, "It's the Sixties, Man!"

In episode 3, they casually sing "Is You Is or Is You Ain’t My Baby" together just for fun.

youtube

INSANE harmonies. And their flirty banter in this whole 1 minute long scene makes me want to eat my own arm.

Anyway... hold those thoughts.

So, Midge Maisel (the titular character) is the opener for Shy on tour with her comedy act in season 3. The show reveals in episode 3x06 that Shy is gay, in a scene where Midge finds him bruised and bleeding because he hooked up with a guy and it went sideways. Shy comes out to her as part of his explanation, and she helps cover up the bruises on his face with makeup so he can get on stage that night.

That leads to him doing a sitting "stool set" with slower songs because his ribs are fucked so he can't stand/dance, and the unsubtle song the show has him sing is "No One Has To Know."

The clip isn't even on Youtube, which is indicative of how much I'm suffering with how under-appreciated Shy's storyline is, but you can listen to the song here or on Spotify.

youtube

No one else can tell I think you're beautiful No one else can tell You're my favorite view Let the world all think what they will I'll wait until they're through 'Cause no one has to know I need you No one but you

^^^ Literally the whole song is like this / about being gay but that's a piece of it.

Shy looks at Reggie as he sings.

Thankfully Tumblr user microclown made several GIFs. Here are two.

KILLL MEEEE

Clearly, obviously, this is deliberately not subtle. Everything telegraphs that Shy is in love with Reggie.

Now, considering wider context of Shy hooking up with a random man etc., one could be forgiven for thinking it's meant to be seen as unrequited love... but I really don't think that's the case. I think there's a delicious undercurrent of angst that ties into how Reggie tells Susie (Midge's manager) at various times throughout the season that their job is to make the hard decisions on behalf of their clients, and Reggie references making hard decisions on Shy's behalf or for Shy, because his job is to do what's best for Shy even at the times Shy doesn't like it. So... are they in love and Reggie tries to keep them from properly being Together to protect Shy? And/or does Shy think his love is unrequited at this point? Lots of room to play there.

So now comes the part that no one's talking about!

More explanation: season 3 ends with Midge being very straight and very white as she does a comedy routine in which she makes way too many cheeky references that out Shy as gay on stage if you know gay-related coding/lingo. There are Reasons why she sort of panics and does this, and the audience loves her jokes, but that is very much Not The Point. She's fired from the rest of the tour as a result–rightfully so.

In season 4, it's announced that Shy is suddenly getting married to his longtime girlfriend and it's totally a publicity stunt 🙃 Midge and Susie are invited to the wedding... but not by Shy; by the team of straight white dude management who stepped in to control Shy's every move in the name of "helping him to stay on the straight and narrow" to keep his career on the rails. Midge's fuck up gave them the opportunity they needed to control him. (Shy and Midge end up reuniting in a bathroom at the reception but we won't be unpacking that conversation and how I disagree with how Midge leaves things between them).

So the suits invite Midge and Susie to the wedding so they can escort them to a side room and have a meeting with them, and they try to pay them off to sign an NDA. (Midge declines for them both, saying she will keep her silence for the sake of Shy, not for the suits.) Come to find out that that management team also forced Shy to pay off / fire his entire band–who were shown to be like family to him throughout the tour in season 3–and also forced him to pay off / fire Reggie.

LOU: Look, he's a good guy, Reggie. I like him. But he's too close with Shy to control him. There's too much history.

...

SUSIE: Reggie got Shy to where he is now. You realize that?

LOU: Reggie's taken care of. Big severance. We threw him some publishing. He's buying a house in Westchester. Everybody's happy.

SUSIE: Oh, I bet. 'Cause when you think Reggie, you think Westchester.

–4x05, "How to Chew Quietly and Influence"

Here's the obvious thing: Shy and Reggie clearly had no choice in this matter.

There's no way in hell that Reggie would have left Shy willingly. Absolutely no Goddamn way in hell. Whether he's in love with him or not, Shy is "his boy" (his words, repeatedly) and he said "I'll be at his side when he draws his last breath unless I get there first." That was his character introduction! Holy shit!

But here's my hot take: I DO think Reggie is in love with Shy, and I do think he intends to keep that promise of being by his side as much as possible. And I'll tell you why.

At the wedding, Shy sings a short excerpt from his new single to his new wife:

Come close to me, baby Cool as the river When you're here in my arms Manhattan's getting dimmer I know it sparkles, too But city lights don't shine as bright as you

Once again the clip is not on Youtube and I am suffering.

There are a few more lines from the song in that episode referencing Paris and Rome (where Shy and Reggie and the band went on tour in season 3...), but it's a piece of a longer song. We thankfully have the song in full, here or on Spotify:

youtube

And in the episode, Shy says on stage that the song was written by Reggie.

"You just heard a little of my new single. And it's a special one because the lyrics were written by my boy Reggie Harris. Which is fitting because that man's been putting words in my mouth since we were kids begging his grandmom to buy us ice cream.

–4x05, "How to Chew Quietly and Influence"

This makes me FUCKING FERAL.

Especially because of the lyrics in the full version of the song... which, as it turns out, is all about giving up fame and the spotlight to be with the one you love.

There are hidden lyrics in the full track that are meant to actually be in between the shortened ones we hear in the episode. The lyrics from the full version that Shy doesn't sing at his wedding are as follows:

I’ve had the spotlight Been bewitched by wealth and fame But I’d give up that hot light Just to hear one special someone Call my name

...

I could search the world over Go as far as a man can roam But nothing I’d see Would mean nothing to me Like the vision of you when I’m coming back home Baby, you are my home

Buildings may rise And reach for the skies They twinkle and flash But they won’t ever last Like the beauty in your eyes

Whatever they may do Those city lights won’t shine as bright as you

Reggie wrote this song for Shy. He literally wrote this song for Shy. Shy says it himself! And Reggie's not in attendance at Shy's publicity stunt wedding because the suits are keeping them apart for now, but he's in Shy's heart, and Shy chooses to sing this song and share that backstory about the lyrics because they're each others' home in secret.

I can't handle it! I can't FUCKING handle it!!!!!

Like are you SERIOUS!!!! And in the episode where the suits say Reggie took his severance pay and went and bought a fancy house? BITCH. If he even actually did that (and didn't just claim he was doing it to fly under the radar), then he bought a house so Shy could one day join him there because ???? "You are my home." Ohhhh myyyy Goddddd ;___; A song about giving up the spotlight to be with the one you love........ I have connected the dots. Just wow.

So yeah I'm literally going insane. I LOVE them. I've been thinking about this for like 2 weeks and no one gives a shit but I love them! They are important to me and every part of their subplot is so compelling and makes me so emotional!

There is fic about all this that's in my brain and outlined in my google docs and if I ever write it I will post it on AO3 for the maybe 2 people who will care someday. But yeah.

WHERE is their spinoff!!!!!!!! Jk I don't want it because I don't trust they'd be handled properly. However, I am manifesting even a crumb of information about them in season 5 because Shy Baldwin is my son and I would like any kind of hint he and Reggie manage to eventually orchestrate their happiness <3

If you actually read this post, thank you so much for indulging me. I had to get this off my chest, okay, I'm losing it.

I love them and they're in love. That is all.

#shy x reggie #shy baldwin #reggie harris #the marvelous mrs. maisel #tmmm #shy/reggie #char writes things #FUCKING. LOOK AT THE MATERIAL. wah 😭

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bnesszai · 1 month

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May I know your top 3 favourite Dazai ships (either platonic or romantic) and why? Thank you ❤️

hello anon!

skk (romantic/platonic) - i could go on for a while but I'll try to keep it short. These two have so much trust in one another, no matter how much they try and claim otherwise. They know the other has their back. No matter what the situation, no matter how much time has passed, just. no matter what. They also definitely do hate each other because they see the worst of themselves reflected in the other BUT they also see the best of the other despite these parts, even if they try and deny it. They bring out the worst and the best in each other. When they're together, they don't have to have their guard or facades up. Together, they can enjoy the things they typically don't get to, such as arcades or just being stupid for no good reason. They can find their lost childhoods and the essence of who they could have been in a different world within each other. They also understand each other on such deep level. they don't even need words or signals. They just know. They also believe in the humanity of the other despite, once again, how much they try and deny it.

kunicuuzai (romantic/platonic)- kunizai on its own is okay, but i prefer all three together for reasons that are probably just stupid and personal but meh. anyway. You have the above dynamic but also added in you have Kunikida who is an idealist. He is someone who never wants to see someone die before his eyes. He is a self-sacrificing, bleeding human who has seen horrors but always chooses good (i have some hcs about a delinquent past but that's a different story). He can help Dazai and Chuuya see their humanities and the good parts in themselves that they feel they have lost. He can soothe over some of their aches and pains in a way neither Chuuya or Dazai can do for themselves or each other because Kunikida has never been in an organization that has asked him to kill ruthlessly, relentlessly. He also is the only one who can keep their bullshit shenanigans to a more tolerable amount (that said, he also loves shenanigans. he also loves safety and getting home on time for dinner). Dazai and Chuuya help Kunikida see the more fun things in life and how it can be okay to deviate from his schedule sometimes. Sometimes, it's okay to be horribly selfish.

Dazai and Oda (platonic only)- I was a lil torn between saying Oda or Atsushi or Ango for my platonic relationship, but ultimately, Oda did have the largest impact on his life (I have gone on rants about him and Ango before and probably will do so again). Anyway. There is the way Chuuya understands Dazai, but then there is the way that Oda did. Oda could see the deep lonlieness inside of Dazai. He could see that Dazai is too smart, too clever, too something to ever find something that will fulfill him in life. And that's heartbreaking. And yet, Oda tried his best to help Dazai out. He kept him company, he indulged him (I'm pretty confident Oda always knew Dazai was lying about his injuries), and he surely taught Dazai many things and comforted him to the best of his abilities when he could. Oda understood Dazai as if Oda had lived a life inside his body (i cannot think of a less creepy way to describe this sorry xD). Oda understood Dazai. Oda called Dazai a friend. Oda cared for Dazai and encouraged him to at least find the beauty in life, to atl east use his talents for good, even if none of it will ever make Dazai truly want to live. It's incredibly heartwarming and tragic all at once and GOD. reading tdipud (both sides) and Beast really makes Dark Era hurt that much extra. In every fic I write, I want Oda to be alive so they can be happy together as stupid friends, but his death is so vital to Dazai's development that I have not been able to bring myself to keep him alive thus far. Perhaps someday I can let them be happy (doubtful).

#thanks for asking!#maybe i know you maybe i don't #i hope this is what you were looking for #i tried to not ramble too much but #i have a lot of feelings #bsd

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cygninae · 4 months

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I'm curious why you relate to Lemony, I'd love to hear an elaboration

i'll try my best to explain why I find so much of myself in Lemony, but forgive me if I sound mad or something. I'm just going to ramble about this, no structure.

The first thing, really, that we ever learn about Lemony Snicket is that he has a duty to tell us the truth about a series of incidents, though they appear to be extremely detrimental to him to do so. He does it anyway. When I look at him, I see that he has no regard for himself, only the world around him. Meticulous to the very detail, dedicated to the last second, passionate to a boiling point underneath a front of witty disregard for practically everything.

He took it upon himself to write about the Baudelaire's experience as accurately as he could, because he couldn't stand by and watch the world move on when so many lives had been ruined. He doesn't really care that he could get killed in the process, or caught, or anything worse. He throws himself completely and wildly into this task of exposing what really happened to the Baudelaires. I'm not saying I relate to him because this was valiant - don't worry, I'm not that up my own arse. I relate to him because he is so book smart but actually completely stupid for not thinking that anyone loves or cares about him enough to be extremely hurt when he throws his life to the wind. I relate to his complete devotion to something that doesn't really need him. To something that stings as it reminds him of his past - Beatrice - while he clearly revels in that pain it brings back for him. He wants to ruin his own life. The answer is just why, really, and I don't think even he knows that. I'll touch on this a bit later tho.

Lemony is, as we know, forever in love with Beatrice. Even after she broke off their marriage, after she married someone else, after she died: he worships her completely, and he loves her, but at the same time I think this is because he is someone who genuinely loves being in unrequited love... bc he could move on from her. Easily. Anyone can move on eventually. But even after she is long, long gone he clings onto her through every aspect of his art (his books, his dedications) and his life (researching the Baudelaires even though they are her and Bertrand's, keeping her list of reasons she couldn't marry him, a lock of her hair, etc) and he does this because he wants to be in a tragic, unrequited love. I relate to that. What is it Donna Tarrt says - a morbid longing for the picturesque at all costs? To me that is Lemony. He wants to live in this dark constant of loneliness and tragedy because he thinks it's what suits him. It's a bit ridiculous and it's a bit heartbreaking.

Anyway, moving on. To be easier on him, I'll be kind - Lemony is someone who loves. Yes, maybe too much, maybe in a way that is unhealthy, but he genuinely loves. He loves Beatrice. He loves literature. He loves his siblings. He loves VFD as much as he hates it. He loves the Baudelaire children, even though they have nothing to do with him, and he loves, well, I dont know. He loves the world around him though he is morbid and unhappy about it all. I suppose he loves the horridness of it. Oh and of course, he loves pistachios. (Me too.)

I hope this answers your ask, even though I just explained that all like a complete lunatic. I'm a bit sleep deprived so forgive me for that. To summarise, Lemony is a self-sabotaging book-smart idiot who doesn't just run away from his responsibilities, he fakes his death and gives himself new ones. He loves like a dog but to the detriment of everything around him. Yeah. I just think he is fascinatingly layered and yet so painfully readable because he wears his heart on his sleeve and he doesn't even care. I hope that in another lifetime he was happy.

#lemony snicket #asoue #asks #vfd #a series of unfortunate events

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aortaobservatory · 6 months

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i love your talks of aspects what can you say / your opinion on doom aspect? im knight of doom

Certainly, I can do an overview of the Doom Aspect for you. If you'd like me to post my analysis of the Knight of Doom, feel free to send another ask! I really do not mind being spammed. I feel as though it is often that Doom is characterized by its inverse aspect the most, as people tend to better understand the intricacies of the Life Aspect than they do Doom (this can be due to personal bias, environment, culture, ect). I also personally feel as though the Doom Aspect is overlooked or simply not understood and thus forgotten about, but that's just the general feeling I have picked up from perusing tags here and there.

Doom is an extremely interesting aspect. The remaining 11 aspects are about growing into your aspect through your class, but "growth" is one of the keywords of Life, Doom's inverse. How does one approach Doom and expect to grow?

From The Extended Zodiac, I pulled these keywords from the Doom Aspect description. These would be the "canon" traits; they are what I adhere to when analyzing, but it should also be understood that this concept encompasses much more to do with than these keywords. Its "vibe", if you will, is much more than what is written.

TEZ Doom Keywords: Suffering, wisdom, empathy, listeners, commiserators, wise, kind, non-judgemental, (bitter, resentful, fatalistic)

I'll admit that I had trouble understanding what the Doom Aspect was supposed to be at first. But as I analyzed it further, it occurred to me that this may be the aspect of those who have trauma, or those who have learned to cope through the bad circumstances they've been given and what they've experienced in life. This aspect may be best understood as an outside force that acts upon the player, or a force that the player themself uses upon others. (See: The Condesce's Alternia; the entire thing reeks of Doom). This is not also to say that if you have trauma, you are automatically Doombound. There is nuance involved, and it is important to keep in mind that an Aspect is the force that is most important in a person's life, whether lacking or abundant, whether good or bad, whether they want it or not. Another aspect may be stronger for an individual, even if trauma is a big part of their life.

It is the aspect of tragedy, but it is not necessarily tragic. It is very easy to fail the Doom Aspect, but those who hold onto it are often extremely steadfast, even if they're only hanging on by a thread. The Doombound may be irate about it, but their suffering matters because they deserve better. As in tragedies, we cry because we know it can be better. For others, it can be spite, spitting at the lot you've been given in life and making the most of it anyways, for what else can you do? Commiseration is quite possibly Doom's biggest theme.

The keywords I chose for Doom are "Acceptance, Compliance, Wisdom, and Sympathy". Acceptance and Compliance may be better understood as "coming to terms", accepting and complying with what is there because it's the only choice you've been given. As well, Acceptance isn't necessarily complacency, but rather an acknowledgement of the reality of a situation, and navigating through it as best as one can from what they have. Doombound are able to offer Wisdom when they see others in similar experiences, Sympathetic because they too know what it's like, but how they go about offering their Wisdom and Sympathy can vary. The Doombound are not growing the way the Lifebound are, often trapped or restricted from doing so.

Doom, being Life's inverse, is also given the symbols of illness, rot, stagnation, decay, and we can see this in both Sollux and Mituna in canon. As poorly as Mituna was handled, he as an Heir of Doom (Passive Embodiment), embodies a lot of mental illness. Sollux as a Mage of Doom (Active Knower) had too much experience with Doom as a whole, and he stagnates heavily because of it, later becoming a ghost, which is quite a literal symbol. I will admit that Doom is one of my weakest understood aspects, and it has been a while since I read Homestuck, so I am unfortunately not as familiar with the Captors' character arcs in canon as I would like to be. I'm very happy to invite discussion! I enjoy hearing other perspectives.

#classpecting #sollux captor #mituna captor #homestuck #doom classpects #classpect analysis #homestuck aspects #ao classpecting

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jinxthejubilee · 1 year

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Venus - We Need to Talk (Again)

Back here again, aren't we? I'm so sorry, but I just can't help myself.

Because I have just discovered that there were plans to reveal not just one, but TWO lost turtles in ROTTMNT, I will discuss the story potential both Venus and Slash could have, should this show ever come back. (Please Nickelodeon, do something right for once and give us this show back-) But I must finish Venus first, before moving on to Slash.

And for those of you who might ask about Jennika, I thought about making her own page to hold out hope that she could make it into the Rise universe, only to come to the tragic realization that it was highly unlikely that she could ever appear in the show, given that Venus and Slash are pretty infamous as characters, and that the creators said that there were 2 missing turtles and not 3. My apologies to all Jennika stans.

Anyway, I did talk about Venus already, yes, but after revisting her backstory from The Next Mutation, I've come to the conclusion that her debut story isn't all bad? Yeah, I can't believe I just said that either.

I'll give the Next Mutation writer's 15-year-old brains credit, the idea that Venus was adopted by someone else and learned ninjutsu/magic is a cool concept, if explored correctly.

Since it's been pretty well-established that Big Mama's assistant was likely going to be revealed as Venus, I have an idea as to how she got there.

Now I could be wrong, but I believe that Big Mama's assistant debuted in Season 2. Whether or not she was just hired or was hiding out until the time was right, who can say.

For those of you who don't know or simply wiped that show from your memory, Venus was raised by Master Chung I, a human martial artist who taught Venus everything he knew.

Chung I died after confronting the Dragon Lord and demanding that he release Splinter. And his last words to Venus were for her to travel to New York City.

Now if I were in charge, I would keep some similarities to this, but obviously take some creative liberties.

In my Rise version of event, Draxum's lab explodes, the boys and Splinter take off, and Venus and Slash are presumed by Draxum to have died.

Instead of Venus' father being a human, I would make him a yokai, who finds her somehow and takes her to the farthest end of the Mystic City.

This father-figure would parallel Splinter in a few ways:

He would simultaneously be responsible, yet neglectful at the same time. The guy would be very much a loner with a tragic past, so while he would take care of Venus physically, her emotionally needs are something he simply can't and would not handle.

He would never leave his home. Granted, it would be hard to do so, as he lives very, very far away from other yokai, but he just refuses to interact with anyone he doesn't have to. But not because he's lazy, it would likely be due to paranoia and his strict moral code to keep his whatever he's keeping secret, safe from everyone.

Less of a father, and more of a master. A total flip from Rise Splinter, who focused more on fatherhood than teaching his sons dangerous martial arts, this guy is "teacher first, father second."

I see him as a cat. Not sure why I went with that, but it was a cool idea I thought of while brainstorming. While Splinter is an overweight, yet agile rat, I imagine Chung I would be a skeletal, agile, and exhausted cat.

I even have a sketch I drew.

Honestly, just think of 2012 Master Splinter for a frame of reference on his personality. He's still wise and knowledgeable, but instead of kind and compassionate, he's grumpy, unwelcoming, and snappy.

Not the greatest upbringing for Venus: living in isolation and rarely going outside, only knowing and living with one person her entire life, training constantly every single day, and being told that her emotions should never interfere with her duty, but she knows that it's the best for her! Poor thing...

So how does this play into how Venus became Big Mama's assistant? Allow me to explain:

The whole reason why Venus' father isolated himself and Venus was because of an ancient prophecy. I haven't worked out all the logistics of the prophecy, but basically he needs to protect that sacred amulet he has around his neck, or the Dragon Lord will rise once more.

Unfortunately, shenanigans happen and the Dragon Lord is awakened, but not at full power. Though he has just enough to kill Chung I.

Heartbroken and determined to stop the Dragon Lord, Venus travels through the Mystic City for any information on another ancient weapon that could destroy the beast once and for all.

This leads to her meeting Big Mama and learning about the Battle Nexus tournaments.

Whether Venus likes Big Mama or not, I haven't decided, but she's honestly just using her to gain battle experience and knowledge on everything going on within the Mystic City and/or the surface.

Depending on when all of this happened, she might have become Big Mama's assistant at least several months to a year prior to the boys being introduced to her in Season 2.

I picture that the big reveal of Venus being their sister would play out a bit similarly to how I discussed previously. I loved looking through everyone's ideas about Venus, and I can say without a doubt, that the amount of fanfare behind ROTTMNT and Venus overall is worth Nickelodeon bringing back this show.

Note: Well! I hope you all enjoyed this! If you read till the end, thank you very much! Please tell me what you think of my ideas, that would be very much appreciated! Until next time with my comments, concerns, and ideas about Slash, have a great day everyone! Byeee! 💗

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lanawinterscigarettes · 2 years

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The Cliff (Natasha Romanoff x reader)

Description: a tragic account of what really happened that fateful night when you watched your wife die after you fought to take her place

A/N: this was written by me as a companion for the heart wrenching fic I'll Never Forget You that I posted a few weeks ago. In case that wasn't tragic enough, this is the scene mentioned in the fic where Natasha actually dies, so safe to say it's not going to be a happy one. Break out the tissues everybody, you're going to need them

Warnings: major character death, heavy angst (no happy ending here)

Glancing over at Natasha, you knew what you needed to do. You had to sacrifice yourself, in order to get everyone back and keep her safe.

"Well, I think we both know what we need to do," you said.

"Yeah, I think we do," she agreed, nodding her head. The expression on her face and the tone in her voice gave you reason for pause.

"I think-" you turned to face her fully, "-we're talking about different people here."

"Are we?" She looked at the ground, her face filled with sorrow. "Because I know who needs to die in order to get everyone back. It's got to be me."

"Nat, no. It's me who's got to be the one to do it," you insisted.

"Don't be ridiculous. You deserve to have a life to live, even if it's without me."

"But don't you get it? I don't want to live without you." You gently but forcefully grabbed her by the arm as you pleaded with her. "Nat, just let me do this, okay?"

"No. You've done nothing wrong, ever, while I've made plenty of mistakes that I finally have the chance to make up for."

"That was the past, Natasha. I'm talking about the future. Our future, together. We- we can find another way-"

"There isn't another way and you know it." Her voice was filled with regret. She couldn't bear to look you in the eye, for she knew if she did she'd break down.

"Hey."

She looked up, tears in her eyes.

"I can't let you do this."

"I wasn't asking for permission." She grabbed you by the arm, and the next thing you knew she had flipped you over her shoulder. Your back hurt, but you got up anyway, just in time to see her sprinting towards the edge of the cliff.

You ran after her, hoping to catch her in time. You lunged yourself at her, grabbing ahold of one of her legs. She tried to kick you back, but you held on. Finally, she got loose, scrambling to make her way to the edge before you caught up with her again.

You made it there just in time to see her leap off the side, but not before you reached out and caught her hand as she fell. She dangled off the side of the cliff, with you close to the edge. You tried your best to pull her up, but you weren't strong enough.

"Natasha! Don't worry, just hang on- I'll think of something-"

"Let me go." She was calm when she said, almost as if she had already accepted her fate.

"What?"

"You have to let me go."

"Wha- but- no-"

"It'll be okay, my love. We'll see each other again some day, I'm sure of it." Her eyes were glossy with tears as she gave you a sad smile.

"Natasha, no- I- I can't lose you-" you choked out, tears streaming down your cheeks as you used all your strength to hold onto her hand. "Don't you dare let go of me, okay? Don't you dare."

"I love you, darling. Goodbye," she whispered softly before letting go, her body falling down into the black abyss.

That was the last thing you remembered before waking up in a shallow pool near the base of the cliff. You didn't know how much time had past, whether it had been a couple minutes or a couple hours, but when you opened your hand to find the soul stone within it, you did know one thing; Natasha was dead.

Taglist: @anxiously-sad @iloveentrapta @ghot-girl @taecube @nevilleismywhore @xxromanoffxx @your-next-daydream

#mcu #mcu imagines #mcu x reader #mcu fic #mcu angst #marvel #marvel imagines #marvel x reader #marvel fic #marvel angst #natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff imagines #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff fic #natasha romanoff angst

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littleghoulghost · 2 months

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Anonymously asking the people I follow to talk about something they love! Do me a learn if you're so inclined!

Oh God. My guy, you have made a mistake because I am OBSESSIVELY in love with World of Warcraft. King Varian Wrynn is a looker, but Illidan Stormrage has me in a CHOKEHOLD. Obviously I like the big boys with tragic backstories.

BUT, there's something about not just the game play, but the story itself. The struggle, the strife, the continued yearning for more and better yet continuing to slip. The complicated characters, their growth, their flaws.

There's also the expansions. I've only finished one of the expansions and it was Legion. Legion was fantastic. I can't say enough good things about Legion. The beginning is heartbreaking, but the story and the game play is immaculate.

I've also played a bit of Wrath of the Lich King. Wrath came out when I was a little kid, and I remember making multiple emails with my brother so we could keep making free trial accounts so we could play. And then we had a subscription for a small amount of time, but we were too poor to keep it for long. WoW really formed some of the best years of my life. I also remember playing when Cataclysm came out. It really began my love for the Worgen. Although I usually play as a Night Elf.

I really can't say enough good things about WoW. I even love a lot of the side characters. There's this one you see when you finish Legion and unlock the Light Forged Draenei, his name is T'Paartos. T'Paartos is such a fucking himbo and I love him. With a burning passion. Just a big dumb himbo.

Tbh, I'm just rambling about how much I love it. It's my current obsession. But, it's free to make an account and play now. You can go to lvl 20 and play indefinitely. You just won't be able to go past that lvl or use certain features. But the new expansions become free everytime a newer one comes out. So Dragonflight will be free and integrated into the game as soon as War Within is released. So that's a plus. I'm definitely gonna be buying game time when I move in with my boyfriend. He has my desktop right now.

Anyways, I'll cut this here. Rambling is kinda my thing.

#littleghoulghost #wow #world of warcraft #varian wrynn #illidan stormrage #T'Paartos #draenei #wow expansions

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starlsssankt · 2 months

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and while I got the whole "let's think about the Darkling" thoughts tonight--

Baghra.

In short, "it's complicated," but I will totally be diving into more depth on how I see their relationship (canon, head-canon, it's all the same here!)

As I mentioned (quite a bit) in this head-canon post, life was incredibly hard, incredibly tragic, for Aleksander. And his mother.

Because I am a firm believer (and I know others will disagree with me) but if Demon in the Wood showed anything, it showed the point that Baghra loved her son. Would and did do anything and everything to keep him safe, to keep him alive. To give him a sense of worth that she probably didn't have...

Granted, it's been a bit since I physically read the books, but if I remember correctly, her upbringing wasn't good. Her mother hated she was Grisha and then with the whole shadows and killing her sister and all that, it became even more so? I know it's something to that effect, anyway.

So Baghra, I feel, saw the shadows she could wield as something... maybe not unnatural but different. Wrong, perhaps. So when Aleksander had the same gift, she didn't want to instill that doubt, that almost, IDK, self-loathing or whatever, into him. So she told him he was strong, that he was powerful (I know there was something to that effect when she was talking to Alina at one point...)

DitW also showed just how far Baghra was willing to go to keep them both safe. To keep them both alive. And I do firmly believe that Aleksander knew that. Knew some of the lengths (probably not all of them, but definitely some, and he probably put more pieces together as he got older) that Baghra went to in order to keep them alive.

And then, as time went on and on, as they lived through lifetimes, it became clear that there was no one else like them. In a way, that made their relationship strained even more, and while the love might have existed still, even until the end, that whole "fine line between love and hate" and I mean, if I think of the Mikaelsons in TVD, like... being with only a few others (in TVD's case) or just ONE other person (in GV) for so long-- It's going to strain the relationship.

Aleksander went deeper and deeper in his pursuit of "making life better" and Baghra feared for him. Maybe, I think, a part of her feared him and how far he'd go, how much of himself he'd lose, but I think ultimately, it all stemmed from that core I love my son and I want what is best for him.

Was she a perfect mother? Hell no, but then, almost no character (or mother) ever is. (And let's be honest, perfection is boring when it comes to literature and whatnot because EVERYONE is flawed in some ways.)

But I do not think she was a bad mother, either. She was as human as Aleksander was, both of them with their own (very, very heavy baggage) of numerous lifetimes spent on the fringes of society, etc.

So by the time we meet both of them in the Grishaverse series itself, they've been alive for hundreds of years. Baghra even longer, of course, just by generational differences, so of course they're strained. Downright at each other's throats in some ways, and they act against each other.

By the time we meet them, you have to remember all of that. I think readers do a disservice to both characters if you don't.

Baghra, ultimately, loved her son and would do anything to save him. And Aleksander, ultimately, loved his mother and grieved the loss of her. (Let's be honest, they could have murdered each other at any point if they truly, truly hated each other, but they didn't because-- family, only ones like them, the death of one brings about utter loneliness for the other, etc. etc.)

So yeah, the short answer when it comes to this particular dynamic: It is VERY complicated. And the longer (summarized) answer: Immortality will wear down anyone and anything, no matter how much love and loyalty exists.

Yeah, okay... I'll stop on this one now, too.

#headcanon / a name long hidden #about & musings / like calls to like #connection / baghra (mother)#// honestly I feel like I could ramble some more but...#// I'll stop #// for now #// long post

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riftdancer · 1 year

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What's your role in the tragic play?

misunderstood villain. prepare for an onslaught of both the most dehumanizing and hateful takes, and flood of thirst comments. you are chronically misunderstood. whether or not you're actually evil is debatable. you may be acting out for revenge, to defend someone you love, or even just to protect yourself. you're a pretty jaded person. you don't trust or even really like most people. maybe you did at one point. but that part of you is gone, and you don't go a single day without grieving it. you think a lot about what your life could have been. you're stuck in the past. you're angry and maybe you don't even want to be, but this is the only way you can see to survive. you're open, but less in a trusting way and more like a wound. you don't like to let people see you, but the hurt spills out of you before you can stop it. you're impulsive, even as you try hard to plan and prepare. maybe someday your side of the story will finally be heard. until then, you can convince yourself that being hated is safer anyway.

unassuming extra. you had maybe 3 lines but you will forever own my heart. you play a very minor role, one often forgotten about (not by me tho bby, i'll love you forever). however, your significance in the story is pretty big. something about you propels the story forward in a way no one else can do. you tend to blend into the background, and you probably like it that way. you want a simple life, free from the drama of the main characters. unfortunately, your story is almost always cut short. your role is usually a death that kickstarts the plot. going unnoticed did not save you, but it probably did bring you some peace of mind.

sweet supporting character. i wanna be your grandma so bad, please let me pinch your face and knit you a sweater. you're most likely the best friend of the protagonist, and there's some possible overlap between you and the narrator. you're sweet and try very hard to be selfless. you watch the ones you love descend into darkness, and make every effort to help them through it all. it's not enough. you keep trying to make it enough. you provide comic relief, a listening ear, a hug, advice── any method of support you can think of. your own personal tragedy isn't documented. sometimes you wish it was, even though you're the one who ensures it is not. you want people to care for you the way you do for others. but you refuse to ask for it, so you wait for others to read between the lines. they usually don't. at least you're the one who gets to survive the tragedy. no matter how many times you beg to trade places, it is always you at the end, sitting at someone else's grave.

tagged by @mathcs (thank you! I love doing these <3)

tagging @convxction, @asterisque, @zelotae, @rosecoloredmuses, @madamhatter & anyone else who wants to do it

#『writer #『sunshine #『wildroar #『corpsedancer #『musings

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sburbanrelapse · 6 months

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i held an apple in my hands and dreamed it a heart

it's not your fault. never really was. you've never asked for any of my adulation, not a lick of my obsession. i sit here dancing on telephone poles and choking myself to death in power lines and you're supposed to take responsibility for the hanging corpse gently swaying in the breeze? no, no; you were innocent. you were under no duress, no pressure. you made the best choice you could

and i'm happy

because if i set aside my all-too-characteristic trepidation for a second i can tell you'll be happy, too

but i was born with a void in my stomach i only ever filled by weaponizing you. and so now i'm left with nothing but this gnawing, crushing misery, that hollows me out as if with a spoon. scraping, scraping, scraping away at my cilia, at my flesh, at my bones

want to know something awful? does it matter, if you do? i've trampled all over you with my presumptions already, anyways, one more can't hurt

every foghorn in my mind screams that none of this will work for you. calling out that it's too soon, too quick. that all this is being made under too much duress. your boyfriend made a group chat just to worry about you and he's so close to the brink of a mental breakdown it'd be tragic if i wasn't a monster who didn't care even a lick about him. he can't handle this, those traitorous speakers whisper into my ear, blaring at a hundred sixty decibels. he's already falling apart. he's already sacrificing his other relationship for you. all this is doing is keeping the cage around him shut tight

i'm smarter than the foghorns, luckily. i know that he loves you. that you love him. that nothing else matters, but that. that i should check to see if i can get a bridesmaid's dress in black

if you aren't fiances, frankly, you might as well be. his parents may as well be yours by now, given the job your father's so steadfastly failed at. he's as much a home to you as you are to me, and you've seen how i act around you. want to go ring shopping? there's pop-up jewelers all over the streets here, i know a place if you want to sign all that away, away, leave me behind as you finally embrace that light you'd shown me

maybe it'll be too quick. maybe it'll hurt. i'll try not to say it's good if it does

christ, look at me. you're inviting this into your house tomorrow? all this? this ruined, thorned wreck of a woman who can't make up her mind as to whether she wants the best for you or the very worst, who aided and abetted the revelation that's blinded you instead of waiting for it to shatter you naturally, this crying, desperate girl begging you not to leave her when you have to go out for groceries for an hour? terrible. why? why do you tolerate me at all?

why do you care about me?

why do you like me?

why do you love me?

i should have talked to you sooner. immediately after that campaign. i was already intrigued by you then. i could have coaxed you out of your shell, instead of the other way around. i could have wormed my way into your life like a parasite so much sooner. we could have been together, by now. and you'd be straining against the stitches waking up every day and wondering why you felt like dying just that little bit more

all i had were the mad fantasies of a gibbering fool, all along. you don't like women that way. even if you did, you'd never like me. i'm so resolutely not your type you'd catch frostbite in seconds. but,

but i wish,

god, i don't even know why, i know it's not going to amount to anything, i hope,

i pray,

i wait for the day you get married to him. what was it i said, earlier? i can handle planning your wedding, but not your funeral? i stand by that. so i wait. think about what i'd do to make that day all the more special for you. wonder how many amaryllis flowers are too much, too tacky

and when you walk down the aisle, hand in hand,

i'll be sitting there, radiant in my delusions, waiting for you to leave him there and take me with you

i'm so sick. bring me a bucket? i want to vomit all this out.

#kicking it in the asylum #a normal and healthy amount of love expressed in a safe and adroit manner #poetry for broken little girls with cracked porcelain faces

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knickynoo · 2 years

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A Family Ties "A, My Name is Alex" Deep (Deep) Dive pt 1

This has sort of been a long time coming. After two years of wanting to but not quite having the motivation, several of you showed interest in me putting this post together. And so guess what? We're gonna take a real close look at the greatest Family Ties episode of the series and what is arguably MJF's finest moment as Alex P. Keaton (and some of his best acting, period, in my opinion).

This is going under a cut on account of the episode is a two-parter, and there's just so much to cover. But I will be adding gifs to break it up and make it easier to read! Enjoyyyy. *vaguely maniacal laughter*

Alright, so there is a reason why you may see me mention this episode more than others. And there's a reason why it's earned itself a spot on TV Guide's list of "Top 100 Episodes of All Time." It is so wonderfully done and such a pivotal point in the series. It is THE Alex episode, where everything we've learned about this character for the previous four and a half seasons culminates in this big, serious, sad plot that works to carefully unravel exactly who Alex is and why he's that way. Here we go...

We open with the Keatons returning home from a funeral. Alex's very good friend Greg has died--a result of a car accident. Prior to this, we've actually never even seen or heard of Greg before, but the decision to kill an unknown character was the best one for this situation. What were they going to do, get rid of a friend we actually know? Skippy??? Or Doug, Alex's goofy, loveable buddy from season 3?? Alex doesn't exactly have many friends, and those that we do know are too wonderful. They had no choice but to off a rando. Nevertheless, we get a strong sense of the deep bond Alex had with Greg and find out they had been friends since they were seven.

The Keatons are all overwhelmed by the tragic loss. Except for, ya know, Alex. He's unsettlingly upbeat, raving about what a great funeral it was, making jokes, bopping around the kitchen, etc. But this behavior isn't all that strange for him. This is season 5. We know that Alex struggles immensely with processing his emotions. He frequently relies on his family to help him identify his emotional states and work through whatever is causing them. So, Alex's mom knows that he's hurting but that he may not know it. She urges him to go and lie down. Alex rejects the offer and starts talking about what a lucky guy he is. See, he was supposed to be in that car with Greg too. Greg had asked him to come help run an errand, but Alex didn't want to and said no. He realizes that he was being selfish in not helping but claims that it's to thank for him being alive. He's almost giddy as he's explaining this to his parents.

Elyse again tells him to go and get some rest, to which Alex replies, "No, no, no, Mommy...Mommy, I don't want to lie down now, okay? I wanna stay up; I wanna keep moving." This line stands out when you factor in a certain tendency Alex has regarding how he addresses his mother. In a normal situation, he almost always refers to her as "mom." BUT (and this is one of those details about the layers they put into Alex that I particularly like), in moments of high stress--when he's really upset, scared, or anxious--he often calls her "mommy" instead. Keep this in mind for later when we move into part 2 of the episode.

Anyway, Alex's family decides to leave him be, and once he's finally alone, he has a very vivid hallucination of Greg being in the kitchen with him. His family walks back into the room to find Alex hugging the air, and they're obviously concerned. Steven has a brief heart-to-heart with Alex, telling him to let himself grieve and not to rush himself. It's a process. Spoiler alert: Alex will not be taking this advice. The next scene, which I'll just mention super quickly, involves Alex contemplating becoming a monk as a solution to dealing with his increasing anxiety surrounding death and the meaning of life. He quickly changes his mind when he learns that monastic life would require him to give up girls.

Cut to later in the day, and Alex is alone in the kitchen. He again starts hallucinating that Greg has come to visit him. And here, I'll include the two reactions we've gotten so far to each of Greg's "visits."

Notice the shift from Alex just wrapping his arms around Greg in the first gif to literally gripping his shirt in his fists in the second. And whereas the first visit made Alex happy, he's distressed during the second, especially as they get to talking. Greg sees Alex is studying for his economics final and says he'll leave him to study in peace. Alex, who typically prioritizes his grades, hurriedly swipes all the books onto the floor and gives the following speech, which I will type out in it's actual form because it's a jumbled, stammered mess and a good indication of Alex's slow-building unraveling:

"What, are you kidding me? You're more important to me than this. I don't...I don't know why I'm bothering. This, this, that's, this is meaningless. That...that's meaningless. Look, uh, I mean, I mean, I mean, what's the use of busting my tail to try and build a future for myself?"

This is an Alex turned nearly incoherant with grief.

Greg tells Alex that he has to keep living. Alex ignores this and starts apologizing over and over, saying that he should have gone with Greg that day. Greg points out that if he did, he would be dead too. "I don't care. I don't care. I was lazy; I didn't wanna go--" Alex replies, returning to the same thing he's been fixated on since Greg's death: his own selfishness. Alex has now reached the point of feeling such guilt for staying home that he wishes he had died too. Mallory walks in on Alex screaming at nobody, and he tells her he was supposed to be in the car with Greg. Mallory reminds him that he wasn't, and Alex has this emotional exchange with her.

Mallory gives a typical sibling response and tells him that he's still alive so that he can continue to aggravate her. This answer doesn't help Alex or change his belief that he should have been in the car. Now, this thought of "I was supposed to be there too" is one that would likely hit anyone in this scenario, but it's especially strong for someone like Alex, who canonicallly has issues with fixating/ruminating on things. He gets something in his head and literally can't shift his focus to anything else. Remember the episode where he grows a mustache and almost every single thing he says for days has something to do with it? Or when he's afraid his head is too big and spends the day like, "Is my head too big? Hey, mom, is my head too big?? Do you guys think I have a big head? I see you're all having a serious discussion...that's nice. What is your opinion on my head, though?" It is. A problem.

Steven and Elyse walk into the kitchen, and it's then that Alex reaches the point of complete meltdown.

It's a very powerful scene and by far the most emotional we have EVER seen Alex. And! It leads the Keatons to the realization that, quite frankly, anyone watching this show has already known for several seasons now: Alex. Needs. Therapy.

The next scene brings us right into Alex's first session, and the setup, if you've seen the episode or my gifs in the past, is very interesting. It takes place on a stage, with a mostly dark background, save for the various "memories" of Alex's that pop up. This is inspired by the 1938 play, "Our Town," which follows the characters' lives through flashbacks and monologues and was done similarly on a mostly empty stage using few props. It's a fitting way to handle the rest of the episode and really get inside Alex's head. We also never see the therapist--only hear his voice as he talks to Alex. From here on out, Alex is under a microscope, forced to confront many things about himself and his life that he's tried so hard to avoid.

Alex introduces himself and tells the unnamed therapist how old he is, that he's a junior in college double majoring in economics and business. He mentions that "anything to do with money" has been a passion of his since he was a kid. This interest, we know, is due largely to Alex finding interpersonal relationships difficult and seeking the comfort and reliability that facts and figures offer him. Alex tells his therapist that his childhood was normal. He brings up when he was in nursery school and how he had the ability to identify coins by their sounds, even if multiple were dropped at once. He tells his therapist that his teachers used to blindfold him and drop coins into a piggy bank to test him--a memory he recounts as if it's like. A normal thing for people to do to a 3/4-year-old. But it serves the purpose of laying the groundwork for what will be a recurring theme of Alex being treated like some sort of interesting anomaly by his teachers throughout his school career. But we'll get more to that. Anyway, off-screen, you hear the therapist drop several coins to the floor, and Alex swiftly identifies each one. "Two dimes, a quarter, and three pennies." He's quite pleased when his therapist is impressed with this talent.

Moving on, the therapist brings up the reason for Alex being there. That his mother had said he wasn't sleeping or eating and that he's being "troubled by visions." Hallucinations aside, this is a typical reaction to stress/sadness that we see at other points in the series. There's a whole episode where the plot is Alex being so stressed over life that he literally doesn't sleep for days and throws the house into turmoil with his exhaustion. And after he and Ellen break up, he also stops eating and sleeping. So this is a definite pattern. @ the Keatons: your son should have been in therapy loooong before this lol.

Getting back on track: cue our first "flashback" from Alex's childhood. These are done very interestingly as well, since they don't use a younger actor to play Alex. It's just MJF playing each iteration of his younger self, and he does it SO. WELL. Like, just through a slight change in his speaking pattern and body language! It's fascinating to watch. In this flashback, he's 7-years-old and with his mother at the breakfast table. I won't rehash the whole thing, but it boils down to a conversation where Elyse expresses her concern that Alex is so wrapped up in news/politics/business instead of living the life of a typical child, and Alex pointing out that he just can't relate to a room full of kids whose primary concern is learning to tell time. I especially like the way it transitions from the memory--where Elyse is trying to get Alex to stay and eat breakfast before school (he says he can't because he's so busy) back to him speaking to his therapist. It also serves as a good reminder of where Alex is at mentally, that he thinks he somehow could have prevented the accident.

The flashback is fitting because Elyse worrying about Alex is, in fact, a big part of the show. You may have seen me mention in FT posts how much I absolutely love the relationship between Elyse and Alex. She is such a loving, supportive mother to all of her children, but her parenting style is notably different when it comes to Alex. And I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that Alex, independent and headstrong as he can be, really does need her support more than his siblings do. They're all pretty well-adjusted, have a grip on their emotions, etc. Alex isn't like that. He has no clue what he's feeling half the time. He bottles things up until he implodes. He has trouble with social relationships and seeing things from other people's perspectives--the source of endless problems for him. He's an extremely black and white thinker, so when it comes to sorting out those situations that are more nuanced, who does he run to? Mom. Who helps him to put things in perspective or explain why a situation went the way that it did? Mom. Who writes a script for him to carry in his pocket for when Mallory needs advice and she and Steven aren't around? Mom. Elyse is always worrying about Alex. (She also coddles him a little too much at times, which I think ended up actually hurting him a lot of the time, but that's beside the point)

The therapist wants to talk about Mallory next, so off we go into another scene from Alex's head. He and Mal have a little chat about life and death, and Mallory very optimistically shares her theories on the afterlife. Alex is in awe of how she seems to have it all figured out and mentions that it must be so easy to be her.

"Is it hard to be you, Alex?" we hear the therapist interject. Alex does not want to talk about that and wants to be left alone to talk to his sister. The therapist tells him to answer the question. "You know the answer," Alex says, "Of course, it's hard," then immediately resuming his conversation with Mal about what she thinks heaven is like, where she delivers one of my favorite lines of the episode:

"Why is it so hard to be you?" the therapist prompts again.

And with that, we reach the halfway point in the episode and the end of this post, which you're probably thankful for because, wow this was a lot. Stay tuned for pt 2, where things really start getting good.

PART 2 HERE

#family ties #alex p keaton #apk #a mega-rambling #like. seriously it's a long post.#i hope all the gifs load...

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vampireninjabunnies-blog · 1 year

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What's Your Role In The Tragic Play

Tagged by @inafieldofdaisies and@madparadoxum to do this uquiz https://uquiz.com/quiz/y7ORUH/whats-your-role-in-the-tragic-play

Esther Seed

sweet supporting character

i wanna be your grandma so bad, please let me pinch your face and knit you a sweater. you're most likely the best friend of the protagonist, and there's some possible overlap between you and the narrator. you're sweet and try very hard to be selfless. you watch the ones you love descend into darkness, and make every effort to help them through it all. it's not enough. you keep trying to make it enough. you provide comic relief, a listening ear, a hug, advice── any method of support you can think of. your own personal tragedy isn't documented. sometimes you wish it was, even though you're the one who ensures it is not. you want people to care for you the way you do for others. but you refuse to ask for it, so you wait for others to read between the lines. they usually don't. at least you're the one who gets to survive the tragedy. no matter how many times you beg to trade places, it is always you at the end, sitting at someone else's grave.

Micheal Shea

misunderstood villain

prepare for an onslaught of both the most dehumanizing and hateful takes, and flood of thirst comments. you are chronically misunderstood. whether or not you're actually evil is debatable. you may be acting out for revenge, to defend someone you love, or even just to protect yourself. you're a pretty jaded person. you don't trust or even really like most people. maybe you did at one point. but that part of you is gone, and you don't go a single day without grieving it. you think a lot about what your life could have been. you're stuck in the past. you're angry and maybe you don't even want to be, but this is the only way you can see to survive. you're open, but less in a trusting way and more like a wound. you don't like to let people see you, but the hurt spills out of you before you can stop it. you're impulsive, even as you try hard to plan and prepare. maybe someday your side of the story will finally be heard. until then, you can convince yourself that being hated is safer anyway.

Rajesh Cohen and Jim Richards

desperate narrator

this story is a cycle, and you're spinning around it like a hamster in a ball being tormented by a cat. you know how this story ends. after all, you've told it a thousand times. but you try to change it every time. you love the people in this story more than anything. so watching them fall victim to the narrative breaks you in a way you can't begin to describe. but all you can do is tell the story── their story── with tears in your eyes. you're prone to anxiety and feelings of helplessness. you have so much love in your heart, and for once you wish it would change something. it didn't. it doesn't. it won't. but you refuse to stop telling the story. and you refuse to stop loving the people in it. in this way, no one is stronger than you. you just wish being strong hurt less.

Anna and Selena

unassuming extra

you had maybe 3 lines but you will forever own my heart. you play a very minor role, one often forgotten about (not by me tho bby, i'll love you forever). however, your significance in the story is pretty big. something about you propels the story forward in a way no one else can do. you tend to blend into the background, and you probably like it that way. you want a simple life, free from the drama of the main characters. unfortunately, your story is almost always cut short. your role is usually a death that kickstarts the plot. going unnoticed did not save you, but it probably did bring you some peace of mind.

Deputy Carey Rorke

bold protagonist

you're the star of the show, baby! and boy does that come with a lot of emotional turmoil. you have a seemingly endless supply of determination. whether you have a lot of goals, or one big one, you're constantly working towards it. you're pretty restless, and struggle with imposter syndrome and generally feeling like you should be doing more. your insecurity might not be immediately obvious to others, however, as you come across as very strong and bold. vulnerability is not your strong suit, and that's likely to be your downfall. if only you had just let people in, and asked for help... well, maybe this was always gonna be a tragedy.

#oc:esther seed #oc:micheal shea #oc:jim richards #oc:deputy rorke #oc: rajesh cohen #oc:anna stevens #selena faith seed #far cry 5 oc #oc quiz

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