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k0fii · 26 days

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Mutual Love and One-Sided Obsession

Love is mutual and that's the fundamental difference of MiziSua and IvanTill. That's what Ivan understood in his final moments - and that's why he said his feelings were shallow.

Prefacing this, not really an analysis but more of a personal connection and overview of the songs of alnst, with a quote from Richard Siken on love.

"If it was unrequited, it wasn't your first love, it was your first desire. You've got all your loves ahead of you. That sounds pretty great to me."

My Clematis; Love and the Significance of a Duet

My Clematis is a song that stands out amidst all other Alien Stage performances. Not only because it's a duet with the intentions of a tie, but also because Mizi and Sua are singing this song to and for each other. Instead of catering to the audience before them, they look to each other. In an act of defiance, they love each other. Sua sings to Mizi, as Mizi sings to Sua and this performance isn't for anyone else but them. It's beautiful, enchanting and Sua's death is made more painful by that love that's so clearly shown to the audience. Even as Sua is taken away from Mizi, nobody can deny the fact that they love each other. That the feeling between them was undeniably love.

Unknown (Till the End...); Idolization

In juxtaposition to My Clematis' heavy focus on the duet between Mizi and Sua, UTTE makes it a point to show how Till takes the spotlight all for himself one-sidedly, not even allowing his opponent to sing. In a way, this represents the extent of Till's idolization - only his feelings, the admiration for this idealized version of Mizi he has in his head are sang and borderline shouted out. The other singer is drowned out in Till's intense voice and declaration of love;

"Ain't nobody but you're the one that I'm feeling it's love"

However, Till fails to realize that the thing he wanted - Mizi's gaze to look back at him too - is rooted in reciprocity. It means allowing the other singer to get their voice out, it means allowing this preconceived notion he has of her in his head to be shattered by the reality of who Mizi truly is. UTTE is a representation of how Till's deluded image of Mizi overpowers the reality he currently lives in, it's a form of escape for someone who has always been shackled by chains.

It's a contradiction present in the song itself;

"I wanna know all about you (ya)"

For all Till sings that he wants to get to know Mizi, he never attempts to get closer to her and always, in his view of her, she's far away like an idol he can't reach. Like a god to a sinner that needs saving. It's the first desire of wanting to be saved, of wanting a saint to reach out their hand to you. And that first desire, as much as Till proclaims it to be love for its intensity, is known as something that's not love, something closer to obsession because of that very same intensity. Because that intensity prevents him from loving who Mizi truly is apart from who she represents in his head - again, it drowns it out.

Black Sorrow; Unrequitedness

Black Sorrow starts off with an admission; Ivan can't reach Till. He'll always follow him, even if he recognizes that all this will end in is tragedy. He constantly speaks of an absence - foreshadowing of Cure perhaps, but also of Till leaving him and turning back, of Till always choosing to not stay by his side, to chase for an unreachable idol. To the viewer, Black Sorrow is a song solely focused on Ivan but we can see in the video that Ivan allows his opponent to sing - a representation of his subservient nature but also perhaps of the fact he sees Till. He allows Till to sing out in deafening roars and sees him for what he is, and admires him for that. In contrast to UTTE's idealistic nature, Black Sorrow is very much rooted in reality. Till is pointedly not awake during this song - once again, he doesn't see Ivan but also he is not woken up to the reality that Ivan forces him to face. If not rooted in love because of the acknowledgement of unrequitedness, then what is Ivan's desire? It's to drown in his chosen black sea of sorrow.

Cure; Obsession and the Significance of a Duet

Ivan and Till both sing to someone who is not listening, they both sing to someone who is not looking at them in contrast to My Clematis.

"Dissolve me in your gaze

...

Please, leave me scars

Please, hurt me so that

Not a single drop of me remains

Let me drown in you"

Till wants to drown in the fantasy he's created for himself - going back to the sinner analogy, he wants everything of him that he views as wrong cleansed by Mizi's saintly presence. For once, Till lacks the same conviction he did before - he's pleading now, and asking as if praying to a dead god. Maybe it's because he thinks Mizi is gone, maybe it's because he thinks he's beyond saving.

"May they linger on your tongue

You can break me apart

...

I'll drown in you"

Ivan remains the same, steadfast in his determination and doubling down on his declarations in Black Sorrow. He doesn't ask - he knows his 'love' is unrequited, but that he will drown in it anyways.

"To this everlasting melody

Face to face we dance

With our story

Lost in forever's embrace"

Despite the lyrics stating that they stand face to face, they don't - one is always looking away. That's why, the story of what they are and what could've came to be is lost in the embrace of a time that's both not there and forever there. What they could've been is not what they are because of that everlasting melody, the obsession the two of them have that is distinctly not love because it's unrequited. Because they will always ask to be consumed in another's gaze instead of simply looking at each other and seeing. Because Till's first desire is to be saved and Ivan's first desire is to drown, the round would have always ended that way.

"Thank you for being the victim of my shallow emotions."

Ivan thought he and Sua were similar at one point. He felt jealous when he realized that the fundamental difference between them was that Sua was loved, and he was not. I think that in his final moments, he recognized this jealousy for what it was - the incessant human need to be loved and to be wanted. And what does that love entail? He sees it in Mizi and Sua, it means loving and being loved in return. That's what love is, and with heartbreaking clarity, he understands that it's not what has driven him or Till this far. A one-sided obsession could never be love, because love is always mutual. To love is to be seen, to be known. Ivan was not the former, Till was not the latter.

He steels himself, he will drown in these shallow emotions, just as he always planned (even if the sacrifice was not). He knows this sacrifice seems hypocritical, but it couldn't be with such a simple yet clear difference.

Compared to the deep grief brought about by the deep and intense emotions of love and loss, the pain he will cause Till will only be as shallow as his own emotions. Because it only reached Ivan, only drowned him and it never seemed to reach Till.

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decamarks · 1 year

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i have not painted in... ~3 years. anyway here's a ferryman holding one of his many idols

#my art #ultrakill #ferryman ultrakill #note: the big image is actually an unfinished version of it because i could NOT get a good picture of the final one -_-#i definitely had NO idea what i was doing. but it was still fun! and now i can look over my shoulder and see my dear ferryman on the wall.#obviously it's just very charming to have a painting of a character who's the subject of like. 3 different in-game paintings. heeheehoo #presumably ferrymen would be responsible for MOST of the art in-universe? like all the gabriel murals and statues surely. that's cute to me #they have nothing to do with all their obol so the ferryman economy consists of them repeatedly commissioning each other back and forth #to paint portraits of either them or gabriel. or of them being sensually caressed by gabriel.#after the death of mankind a ferryman's merit is judged entirely by how lovingly they can render gabriel's midriff #... i think i had a point i wanted to make but it's just entirely lost now. sorry

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radiance1 · 11 months

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Hey ya'll back on my bullshit again!

So this time if this idea doesn't get outta control it'll mostly be focusing on Danny and Bruce!!!

Danny is gonna be younger here by the by, maybe like 10.

So after being accidently hit by on of his parents inventions, big ol' Danny-o sometimes gets these dreams about some random ass old man. He doesn't know who he is, nor why this is happening, but he mostly just goes along with it.

Most of the time they just spend the time there in silence, not really doing anything and just existing around each other until one day Danny let slip that he fights people on the regular.

Most of them being other people in a dream, who he assumes are ghosts. He manages to hold his own decently well, even without powers of his own.

Plus, he can even take his parents stuff into the dreams!

Sure he sometimes loses, but that's really not the point here.

but the man does not like it.

Danny doesn't get it, considering he can kick ass, take names, and it is just a dream after all.

So imagine his surprise when that old man, who he's known for a while and dare he say can perhaps even be called a friend, takes a fighting stance and tells him to come at him.

He asked if the guy was sure, the guy nodded, he told him not to regret anything when he gets his ass handed to him, the guy said nothing and motioned for him to attack and Danny went for it.

Not even a few moments later and he's insanely embarrassed he got his ass handed to him. Like, it was over before he even began and Danny didn't even know what happened.

So of course, being who he is and knowing this guy for a while. He very obviously asks the guy to teach him his ways and he must be insanely charming because the guy didn't even hesitate to say yes!

It was like, a few more dreams in that he finally asked for the guy's name. He said his name was Bruce, and that he was traveling the world and learning every martial art currently still existing.

Danny instantly grew to like him more after that. Sure, his mom's a blackbelt, and sure she taught him to kick major ass before she got dragged into her inventions, and sure she doesn't train with him or spend time with him anymore because of that-

Wait he's rambling.

Anyways.

So the guy asked him if he was taught martial arts, since he does have a pretty solid foundation. Danny said yes and then talked about his mom, because anytime to gush about how much of a badass she is, is one he's gonna take.

Somewhere along that rant it turned into a rant about his parents, and then their inventions, and then it turned into his sister and then it turned towards the ghosts he fights and how he beats them up really well and how his parents inventions really helps and then it turned towards that one time he got hit by one of his parents inventions which is why all these people appear in these dreams-

Bruce motions for him to stop, and then asks what Danny means by being hit by one of his parents inventions.

Danny stops, then gets real sheepish about it. Because really, it was kinda technically his fault that he got hit since he did sneak into his parents lab while they were out and accidently messed with something unfinished.

Bruce asked how Danny got into their lab. To which Danny said pretty easily since he already cracked the passcode for their 'secret' lab, and yea sure they didn't know that and sure he shouldn't really be in there in the first place without them knowing, but it's not like they know where he is most of the time.

Then Danny gets frustrated and say that they changed the passcode, so now he has to crack it again and he can't ask Jazz for help since she's too busy with school, but it's not like he really needs her help because he's plenty smart on his own but it would be nice-

Bruce doesn't say anything while Danny takes the conversation to an entirely different place than it started. His face only growing dark, as he quietly listened to Danny now going on about how to not fight a living jelly because they are vicious.

Which is another cause for concern, frankly.

Bruce has noticed that Danny has a tendency to just. Ramble about random things for hours if he isn't stopped, and is extremely surprised when Bruce actually listened whenever he stopped to take a breath.

He does wonder who exactly this boy's parents are however.

So then this keeps going on for a while, with Danny and Bruce either training martial arts or just talking (more so Danny rambling on about his day or anything really and Bruce just listening and commenting here or there.) and existing.

Then when Danny turned 11 he tells Bruce about how his parents got this huuuuuge mysterious donation that let them buy parts to make this super-mega-awesome invention of theirs that's supposed to be some kind of portal or something.

Which Danny is a bit jealous over because his parents are spending less and less time out of their lab, but that's besides the point.

Sometimes he also shows Bruce blueprints on things his parents worked on and then left unfinished because they lost interest in it or just don't see how they can work it out.

And Bruce, being the super-mega-awesome-nice friend he is, looked them over and then tweaked them a bit here and there and then they just worked!

(Also yes, he did indeed crack his parents code again and stole some of their parts to make said inventions but hey what they don't know won't hurt them and plus he can take it into his dreams.)

Some very, very rare times, Danny showed Bruce some of his own blueprints that he tried to make. Because if he showed an interest in inventions then maybe, just, maybe he'll be able to spend more time with his parents.

But anyways.

He showed them to Bruce, and they kinda just sat there figuring out how to make Danny's dreams become a reality. Then over time Danny just, sorta stopped showing his parents blueprints and more of his own.

They still trained of course, but it was really cool to just, tell someone his ideas and for them to actually listen.

And sure, he could tell his mom and dad but they have the attention span of a goldfish when it isn't anything ghost related (no hate indented but it's just facts.) and Jazz is really busy with her own life too and also a bit... smothery.

And he didn't really have any other friends since no one really wants to take to the child of the resident ghost hunters. There is those two friends he knows online, but he doesn't wanna ruin anything by just showing blueprints.

So telling Bruce was something he took readily too after he reacted well the first time he showed him his first blueprint. Hell, it didn't even need to be a blueprint for a weapon, it could be anything and Bruce would still find a way to help him.

Eventually it shifted from Blueprints of weapons and household items, to ones of spaceships and stuff meant to mimic the stars. Then conversation shifted from everyday stuff to space and it's many wonders and how cool it is.

Danny talked, and Bruce listened.

Bruce trained him, and so Danny fought.

Danny trusted an adult for once in his life, and Bruce gave him every reason to trust him.

Bruce helped Danny with his ideas, and in turn Danny gave him a distraction from most of the pain and worry of what's happening in Gotham until he can go back and help.

Danny found a place he can just let go in, and Bruce allowed him that space.

Which made it oh so terrible whenever he lost everything.

Well, not everything. But it sure felt that way to Danny.

It was when he turned 12, telling his friends online about how his parents completed this craaaaazy new invention that apparently should open a portal to, somewhere he isn't sure.

One of his friends told him he should totally go check it out and tell them if it works or not. It didn't really take much convincing since he also wanted to check it out too.

The pain was overwhelming.

Feeling his body be defiled by electricity and then slowly disintegrate while he could still feel everything and then not feeling anything from his limbs after and yet still being alive and then suddenly feeling again after he couldn't was so overwhelming and the pain was still there and-

Nobody was in the house at the time, his parents out for the day and Jazz hanging out with her friends. So no one could hear him scream.

Then there he was, in the air trying to remember how to breathe only to realize he wasn't breathing-

Then he dropped to the ground and found he could breathe as air forced itself into his lungs until he started feeling light headed and passed out.

Later when woke up he told his friends that it never worked, and stayed away from it for awhile.

Later when he was asleep he didn't see Bruce anywhere, nor any of those ghosts he fights at all.

He didn't think much of it, maybe Bruce just wasn't sleeping.

He thought the same when a few days past by and still no signs of Bruce.

He distracted himself with fighting the ghosts from his dreams that came from his parents portal that he forces back to the zone.

A single day multiplied as it turned to a week, and then that week turned into weeks and then a month and then that month turned into months-

-And he hasn't seen Bruce in so long that he just doesn't get why he couldn't find him. He searched his dreams, not seeing hide nor hair of Bruce and spent his days awake fighting ghosts since his parents homeschool him even though they spend most of their time in their lab and it's him who homeschools himself and sometimes he has to run from his parents because they also attack and hunt him-

But it doesn't matter.

He kept searching for Bruce until he couldn't. He kept searching past when he couldn't.

Sometimes he couldn't help those few thoughts that creep into his brain whenever he stares up at the ceiling and can't sleep.

That maybe Bruce finally got tired of him and that he doesn't care about him anymore and stopped wishing to meet him and abandoned him for another child who isn't like him and can actually be normal and isn't a freak who can't do anything right.

Sometimes Danny lets himself stew in those thoughts.

Danny doesn't like thinking about them that much.

Bruce will be back. He just has to wait. Friends wait for their friends and besides he already has two other friends and yea he can't meet up with them in person but still.

It was when he encountered this one ghost while going past the boundaries of his own dream in search of his Friend that he was told that Bruce wasn't ever going to come to his dream, that he can't come back to his dream anymore.

Now, Danny is smart. Maybe not as smart as his parents or Jazz, but he has something in his brain and he knows that what this ghost is saying is probably true and that he should just accept but-

He just can't.

He doesn't want to.

Bruce couldn't have abandoned him. He's probably still looking for him right now in his own dream and Danny would be such a bad friend if he didn't continue looking.

But then he was told that Bruce wasn't looking for him, because this Bruce person never existed in the first place.

Danny didn't want to believe it. He couldn't.

Bruce wasn't a figment of his imagination.

He just couldn't be.

Bruce was his friend. He's his friend and he was real.

So obviously this ghost is lying.

Until he found out that he wasn't because this ghost knows the dreams of every person on the planet and the Bruce that he knows was never one of them and Danny.

Danny couldn't take that.

This ghost was lying. he just had to be. Bruce is his friend and he's real and he's been with him for so long and he couldn't help him if he wasn't real and everything they've done together was real.

Bruce was real.

Bruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was realBruce was real

He woke up.

He didn't move. Didn't do anything. He just stared up at the ceiling of his room while light shined from beyond his curtains and he should be getting up but he just can't and then it got dark and little stars and planets and blackholes and supernova's played across his ceiling and it was the first thing he and Bruce made together and-

He started crying. He couldn't even sob. He just laid there, watching his pride and joy dance across the ceiling of his room for minutes and then hours.

When the first ray of sunrise tried to peek throw his window was when he finally managed to drag himself out of bed. He took the invention and one of his parent's bat, went to the back of the house and hit it again and again until he felt better.

He didn't feel better.

He did the same to everything else he and Bruce made.

Nothing ever made him feel better.

So instead, he threw himself into fighting all the ghosts that came through the portal. Every fight marked victory, and victory meant injuries because that's just how things worked.

Victories used to give him joy. Because he could go back to Bruce and tell him everything about it and get praised for it.

Now he can't.

He can't tell his parents. He can't tell his sister. He can't tell anyone.

Nobody cares about him anymore, and that's just sometime he has to accept now.

#dp x dc crossover #dp x dc #decided to leave this on a sour note I guess #because idk #If this makes you hurt then yey I have succeeded!#Anyways #bruce wayne #before he became Batman and stuff #Danny going through it #Hasn't even met Vlad yet Dafuq #Been gone for so long and the first thing I do is put Danny through the wringer #lol #Anyways have this ig #Danny ain't ghost king here sine he hasn't gotten that far and Vlad ain't outta the hospital yet #Actually Vlad just kinda fucks out and does his own thing after he's out #Oh also Danny Sam and Tucker don't know each other physically #mostly just online friends #Reason being #Uh #I'm just gonna ssay that they all live in different cities and that Sam and Tucker's parents don't want to move to Amity because apparently #everyone there is crazy for ghosts and something #I dunno if you got a better reason say it #or #sum i un really care that much #anyways bye

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pocketgalaxies · 2 months

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and what if i'm looking for scenes of imodna holding hands and almost every single one is laudna holding imogen's hand to ground her? what if there's almost no examples of imogen holding laudna's hand to ground her? what then??? WHAT THEN???????

#WHAT T HE N #emphasis on 'almost' btw. there are examples of this. but only like 3 #also before ppl start yelling at me. i am not suggesting that imogen is not a good gf or smth #they obvs derive support from each other in different ways. it's just that when their most recent convo emphasizes /holding on/ so much...#just noticing things. just making note of things. just filing things away for later #and if delilah doesn't twist this into something to use later? missed opportunity honestly dfkjsdkfjsd #text #nova shh #critical role #cr3 #imogen temult #laudna cr #ship: imodna

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marcmorrigan · 1 year

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its @wh0rehound 's birthday and since he is the gaymer to my mafia slut obvs i had to draw our boys 🍫💕🎮 everyone say hbd sam!!! 😤🎉🎂

#death note #mellodramattic #mihael keehl #mello #mail jeevas #matt death note #my art #i was listening to the foundations and marvin gaye and four tops and such... frankie valli. stevie wonder. sam cooke etc. u get the vibe #matt and mello can have little a OOC cute bullshit. as a treat #one thing abt me. i love to split one set of pjs between a ship... its a top tier trope #another thing abt me. i love 2 draw ppl who love each other dancing 2gether #i fuckin SPED thru this btw (by my standards at least lol) this was like 10.5hrs of work and 9 of those were consecutive hsdfghjkl #which. me calling 10 hrs fast is not an exaggeration... thats so quick to finish for me. & it was a STRUGGLE to make myself call this done #but im CALLING IT. its super cute and it doesnt have to be perfect... the crunchy coloring is charming and adds 2 the aesth #i do wish id put more hearts but ITS DONE ITS FINISHED AND IM NOT GONNA MESS W IT ANY MORE. IT IS COMPLETE #drawing other ppls headcanons is always so fun... sams matt is so different from mine but so dear to me. scrawny little git #hes also very dear to my mello obviously <3 #AND OUR RP IS ROUGH AND SAD RN SO I WANTED 2 DRAW SMTHNG EXTRA CUTE AND SWEET. AND I DID!!! THEYRE IN LOVE #sketch

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suffarustuffaru · 3 months

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i need to share my very horrible idea to combine the reinhard/julius/otto/subaru boy drama into one julius-centric fic

ok so a little while ago ive made all kinds of ottojuli and reinjuli posts and while i havent finished all my major julisuba posts Yet i am quite fond of julisuba also and i think itd be incredibly funny if you just dumped all of these ships into one story. just go ALL IN on that boy drama!!!! go big or go home amirite!!!! the worlds WORST love trapezoid youve ever seen!!!!

this post is just me rambling fic ideas bc i sadly dont have time for Every Fic Idea and also i just. i just think itd be funny putting multiple ships with the same person in them into one fic. on a serious level its like mimicking real life relationships where sometimes people come and go and you have different dynamics with each person!! on another level i just think this is also very funny so!! here we go. under the cut:

anyway so my idea for this is that you know, julius of course meets reinhard when hes ten and reinhard is eight and then it alters julius's brain chemistry. at first he's in complete awe of reinhard. and then over time the shame starts setting in. that julius isnt as strong as reinhard. and the jealousy sets in a bit too, so julius's got this chip in his shoulder trying to carry his family's legacy and trying to carry the weight of knighthood to be as perfect as possible. to be as close to reinhard as he can. they meet again in their teens and julius shows reinhard the ropes of like basic knight stuff bc reinhard just joined the knights. and of course reinjuli become friends but julius has spent his whole life quietly watching reinhard from afar and now julius still has that distance with reinhard even as theyre supposedly friends now. reinhard is a God, you know? his powers and his leash from the kingdom and his family keep him distant and the two of them are ignoring that. classic homoerotic "do i want him or want to be him" friendship where both of you are too scared to get any closer for various reasons with a Twist (reinhard's very real monster complex that keeps getting validated bc Everyone Around Him thinks hes a monster).

anyway but then julius remembers that you know, shit between reinhard and him wont work out for many reasons, like reinhards family deciding to torment julius at various points in his life (heinkel, whos julius's boss, and reid, who went from julius's childhood idol to. you know.), and also reinhard needs to have kids because hes the sword saint, and also homophobia exists in rezero. and also even if those werent all obstacles julius still has his Complexes connected to reinhard and they got that distance between them so. no go. (repression gets in the way of relationships :((( )

also quick side note is that ex 4 happens and julius reinhard ferris go to vollachia and julius interrupts a meeting with vincent vollachia himself to go "I UNDERSTOOD THAT LITERARY REFERENCE YOU JUST MADE. THATS A REALLY GOOD REFERENCE I LIKED IT A LOT" bc hes a massive nerd and ig this is slightly-more-of-a-disaster-gay julius au so julius is like ............................. vincent was kinda cool for that.

AND THEN SUBARU CRASHES INTO JULIUS'S LIFE and julius is like seeing this guy who's also got a chip in his shoulder and then he insults the knights and says the knights are all depending on their dads (nepotism) and julius is like .......the chip in my shoulder was bad enough and also youre kinda like me fr. and you are clearly a fucking misguided kid so now i have to save your ass. i cant NOT save your ass. and reinhards like "julius and subaru nooo you dont have to do this :((((" and julius cant admit atm that hes also doing this to save subarus life so julius is just like "he disrespected the knights >:(((("

but yes we all know what happened there. julius saves subarus life. julius has to slice subarus throat in that one failed loop. they become friends across several timelines. they also homoerotically share souls, you know, typical bromance things, rivals to lovers except subarus the one going YOURE MY RIVAL and julius is like he is SUCH an upstart. hes really grown on me like a fungus but thats the appeal. and julius i think sees subaru as like a kindred spirit (or at least thats how i interpret julisuba) except subaru is like way more freer than julius is. same desire to prove yourself but subarus not restraining himself constantly like julius. its sometimes to the point of recklessness and general stupidity and what have you, but his boldness and bravery and determination and heart really is admirable.........................

yeah so anyway julius falls for ANOTHER guy again, you know how it is sometimes. the heart wants what it wants and julius is cursed to always have the worst meetings with his closest friends. and of course julius gets heartbroken bc wtf i have to kill my new friend :((( noo!!!! but in the finished loop its like. oh subaru...... hes really improved himself. hes grown so much already. hes kind of. inspirational really. idk how he does it. except subarus you know got that Mystery to him the same way reinhard does (theyre traumatized and Cant Take About It Normally so they just randomly lore drop what they can) and also subarus SUPER into emilia. and julius is like .................... well. subarus taken. haha. and reinhards. taken. fuck me. fuck. and like somethings going on with subaru and rem and emilia right. fuck. and subarus got his whole toxic masculinity / gender crisis..... and he doesnt know hes Bisexual yet...... man. what a loss for julius amirite haha.

and also subarus busy after arc 3........... and julius has no idea whats happening there but that seems Real serious :(( and julius's got other things to attend to so he hopes subaru reaches out to him eventually..... or that they cross paths again since subarus in the emilia camp and julius is in ana camp (and of course reinhard is in felt camp and like that was a whole debacle bc wtf. reinhard, u do know thatd be a big deal to our mutual friend felix?). so. julius pines from afar ONCE AGAIN HAHA.

(also of course subarus still attracted to reinhard here. its um. well julisuba can bond now over pining over reinhard but thats for later also!!)

anyway of course during arc 3 julius briefly runs into some gray haired merchant twink thats being dragged around by subaru bc ana camp rescued this guy from a cave somewhere??? and this new guy and subaru made a deal or whatever so he was just helping out in the background of the fight against sloth??

and whaddya know................ julius goes to drink at a bar bc you know he probably tastes wine for fun in his free time (hes definitely Fond of wine anyway iirc) and now hes Sad over the Ones That Got Away so. bar it is. and gray haired merchant twink is there!! no way. they start talking a bit casually while drinking you know and julius's taste is Unfortunately either the graceful ones (anastasia, because julius has great taste in women) or the cringe fail ones (all the twinks - except for felix - that julius keeps having the wildest first meetings with, because julius has slightly shit taste in men) so julius is like huh this otto guys kinda funny lol. endearing in a weird way!! and -

oops they both end up being a little. they make a little bit of a move on each other. bc they were drinking and got a Bit tipsy. ottos Also not over the one that got away (subaru) (again) and hey. the finest knight truly is. Fine. objectively fine. totally. so you know. things get a little out of hand, maybe they do a bit of cringe fail flirting hidden underneath five million layers of repression and the Horrors of Being Known but ultimately they both embarrass themselves somehow (read: how far they went with each other while under the influence is up to you) and agree to Never Speak of This Again bc oopsies they were both technically each other's first time being Straightforwardly Not Straight with another man. oops. anyway julius has to go back to his camp and otto fucking bolts but he bolts right into subaru and gets his ass dragged into sanctuary drama.

julius is totally not a little bit envious about that.................... about otto getting to accompany subaru to sanctuary... but dont worry julius!! youll get to make up for it later!! bc eventually arc 5 stuff happens. and julius is Glad to see reinhard and subaru again. even with all the Baggage. and subaru is of course Weird about julius but eventually subaru reassures julius after they both confide in each other about the astrea drama (theyre honorary astreas via being dragged into the astrea family mess). and subarus reassuring to julius in a whole new way okay. subaru, whos unrestrained and incapable of being on the down low about anything, and julius, whos always holding himself back with a gazillion layers of repression, starts learning to let go a bit...

but also juliotto meet again. its terribly awkward and they both agreed to never speak of their awkward encounters again. subaru is going ??? and reinhard is clueless. otto then also goes to save reinhard and felt from heinkel trying to take felt hostage, which was also terribly awkward but reinhard and felt are grateful about it (but lbr if reinhard and otto knew each other deeper reinhard would maybe be a little. Apprehensive. around otto while otto would be sympathetic with reinhard bc hes like male emilia). but then while otto manages not to get erased by gluttony....... julius gets erased. of course. which you know results in being forgotten by reinhard in julius's THIRD first meeting ever with reinhard. and subarus the only one who remembers him of course.

then arc 6 happens :,))))) and julius of course has to confront his ideas of knighthood, his identity, his self esteem, and who he is outside of His Name. and also julius gets his ass beat by reid. his childhood idol. who reinhard KNEW was a shitty person but never ever told julius (whether this is because reinhard wanted to spare julius's hero worship or because reinhard never got the chance to tell julius is hard to say lajdsf). but julius does get to triumphantly win in the end!! grow as a person!!! learn to undo a bit of that repression and not hold himself to impossible standards all the time!! hes growing still!!! hes finally solidified his friendships with people like subaru and emilia!! hes remaking his relationship with anastasia!! hes asserted himself, hes planning on going to meet reinhard again one day and duel him!! things are looking up even if its still bittersweet that he doesnt have his name back yet!! does this mean?? perhaps?? a HAPPY ENDING?? julius can have the two men (reinhard and subaru) he admires the most in his life?????? as friends???? or as boyfriends?????? slowburn mutual pining????????????????????????????????????????

and then comes. arc 8 otto. that piece of shit.

julius is very much someone who has to grapple with the weight of the expectations that people throw at him. and also reinhard is someone who May envy julius a bit, but there's also you know, joshua and subaru with the Explicit Envy and (past) resentment because theyre placing heavy expectations on julius!! theyre pointing blame at julius!! julius is trying to find himself outside of stuff like that, especially after arc 6, but he's still got stuff to work on you know? he still has duties to fulfill!! loyalty that he has to act on bc hes gotta help subaru and co in arc 8!! and then in comes otto.

otto is also someone with expectation placed on him, but its Different. ottos mostly a nobody and when hes Not a nobody, his reputation tends to be Derogatory. hes a menace. hes a bad luck charm. hes grappling with the fact that he has to keep being left behind - post-arc 5 bc he was injured, but also repeatedly during arcs 7 and 8 because hes too physically weak to be on the same playing field as emilia or garfiel or subaru on the battlefield. he feels Useless after placing his identity on the expectation that hes Dependable and Useful.

julius is a bit more on even ground with otto now that julius is. also mostly a nobody bc his name is still gone. and also julius had to deal with having that part of his identity crushed. julius tried to be useful over and over in arc 6 only to get his ass repeatedly curb stomped by reid in the beginning. he was a nobody. he wasnt dependable anymore. and also otto is that one guy he had a Passing Fling with over having The Ones Who Got Away and julius was still vaguely hopeful about maybe being pals at least but ottos brushed him off a bit since arc 5. theyre like each others secrets you know? and now otto doesnt know that shit - julius is the only one who Knows - and otto also hates julius's fucking guts now. over SUBARU. and julius has been through this whole rodeo clown circus with arc 3 subaru so this is an absolutely terrible ride through memory lane.

and this is julius's THIRD twink that hates him for terribly unfair reasons. julius is very tired and a bit heartbroken in this au trying to pretend it doesnt bother him. on one level it doesnt. bc ottos pathetic and clearly Overcompensating for Something. on another level it kinda does bc julius had a Thing going with otto. and otto is the complete opposite of julius. like hes different from the other guys julius has liked.

julisuba is about complimentary opposites - they appear Extremely Different at first glance but theyre very similar. theyre people who try to look and act bigger than they are, people who keep reaching to be The Best, to be Perfect, because theyre overcompensating. theyre worried their entire identity is only built off of trying to be bigger than the shadow that other people in their lives (like their families) cast. but they cant reach perfection. and julius is like subaru but if subaru tried to really make himself "refined" - if he tried to stop putting his heart on his sleeve all the time. reinsuba are very similar too. theyre very refined knights who try to keep themselves in check at all times while the weight of the world is on their shoulders. they cant have a hair out of place. except julius is like the "smaller" version of reinhard. julius is less powerful. its like comparing a human and a "god" - reinhard, whos untouchable. but its a double edged sword, because julius gets to be a normal person, because half the expectation placed on him is also purely from himself, while reinhard isnt. reinhard isnt Free. hes on a leash by the kingdom and his family. julius even gets his kind of "celebrity" status stolen from him via the loss of his name. hes truly kind of Normal now - julius is like if reinhard didnt have his crazy abilities and had a little more of a chance to be free.

otto? yeah otto is. very very far from all of that. hes so obviously imperfect that most of his reputation, when its brought up, is just him being known as a mess who's caused various forms of chaos everywhere he goes. either that or hes just. There. Invisible. very very average. and otto is someone who wants a nice comfortable life, someone who wants to fit in - julius and subaru arent Exactly like that, and while reinhard also wants to be normal, ottos the one who has more of an opportunity. but he doesnt. because otto Dooms Himself by being recklessly cutthroat. otto is like if subaru was just. More of an asshole, so ottojuli would just be a rather Extreme Challenge for julius to have to deal with HAH. and normally otto is someone who repays how people treat him - a very "you treat me like this, i'll treat you the same way in turn" kind of deal, except ottos developed a vendetta against julius and its basically like if subaru never let go of his arc 3 julius vendetta.

yes so anyway. etc etc stuff probably happens but i ran out of ideas lajdlfjasdf i just think combining ALL the boy drama and recontextualizing + adding to canon would be. batshit crazy. and terribly entertaining. im so sorry julius but i want to see you crack a bit under the pressure. reinjuli as a ship is like tragic gay yearning that never goes anywhere past being friends with quiet homoerotic tension, then julisuba is. you know. extreme rivals to lovers, starts out Rough but then ends up being super super sweet and theyre Trying their best underneath the self esteem issues. and then ottojuli is. toxic yaoi at its finest (pun intended). you get Every flavor of mlm possible!!

ok so you may be asking "ok what would you even name this fic then" and to that i say that this would be called To All the Boys I've Loved Before.

anyway i really wanna write this idea someday ill inform you guys (if youre reading this and are Interested) if it ever happens :< so. in conclusion this is just julius the entire time throughout all of these events:

#rezero #re:zero #arc 5-8 spoilers #yes i made this post also so i can dramatically drop the wip title for this fic idea at the end of it and then laugh to myself bc i think #its the most perfect title of all time.#also adding up all of the rezero boy drama is important to me ok. and i was mostly going into the julius side of things in this post aldsjf #it gets messier when you remember reinsuba. and ottosuba. and reinotto. its incredibly funny to me. truly the worlds worst love pentagon.#or love square???? love shape????#on a serious note i would love to see more queer stories exploring like. a person's different relationships over the years. bc sometimes it #does feel like this you know?? having drastically different dynamics with each person and each person knows you in different ways!!#its a fun character study exercise. and it feels true to life imo. you grow and change throughout your life and your relationships at each #time period can kind of reflect who you were as a person at the time. if that makes sense. idk i have many feelings on it HAH #natsuki subaru #reinhard van astrea #otto suwen #julius juukulius #also i do often hc reinhard otto julius as being on the ace spectrum. i dont really write otto being ace in mind for Every wip i do but yes #i do have these hcs and reasoning for them!!! also specifically i hc reinhard as being on the aroace spectrum. these are just hcs of course #hah but yes i quite like my hcs for them.

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thatrandombystander · 7 months

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When you get to the final boss of Okami and you're all alone fighting an alien monster in the darkness and you've lost all your strength and all hope seems lost BUT THEN you hear the voices of all the characters you've helped in secret along they way as Issun steps into his role as your Celestial Envoy and everyone starts praying to you while Reset (Thank You) plays and their BELIEF in you unlocks Ammy's cool ass final form so you can GO KICK YAMI'S ASS and save the world. I cry 😭

#for the record i have not like. recently finished okami #i actually probably haven't played it in about a decade?#but i finished at least three full playthroughs on the PS2 #plus i had saves before each major boss so i could replay them #and you can believe i did the yami fight multiple times #anyway this was prompted part of the okami soundtrack playing while i was listening to my instrumentals playlist #is it a perfect game? hm. no. i wouldn't say so #but 'tis a fave. i should replay it at some point.#ramblings of a bystander #okami #okami amaterasu #side note but why is orochi a boss TWICE times in the game #they make such a big deal about him. and then you kill him.#and then you travel back in time and kill him AGAIN. and he's like. functionally the same boss.#i don't remember there being any real difference

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bookwyrminspiration · 15 days

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TLT's Religion + Trauma Survey Results!

About a month ago, I shared a survey regarding the impact of TLT's religion on fans and specifically fans with self-identified religious trauma. This was part of a larger group project for a class, but a handful of people were interested in knowing the results, so here they are!

Before we start: this was a very informal project and necessarily limited. Response options were limited, it didn't inquire into demographic information, data was analyzed manually, and Christianity was the focus/frequently presumed given its global prevalence and relation to the story. Several avenues of analysis weren't pursued given time and project constraints, so please keep all this in mind

The survey was open for about a week and received 965 responses

First, respondents were asked on a scale of 1-4 "Does The Locked Tomb's use or depiction of religion impact your reading experience?" From the entire pool, 83.6% rated it as at least slightly impactful (further broken down in the graph), and 97.4% indicated this was a positive impact.

In open response, respondents listed some reasons why, ranging from: "“it's just a part of the story” to “I enjoy the examination of the ways religion can shape someone's world view, or be used to manipulate and control” and "Religion is my autistic special interest and I love fictional religions!"

Respondents were then asked "Do you have, in your opinion, religious trauma?" The qualifications of religious trauma were intentionally non-specified and left to respondents discretion.

358 respondents, 37.1%, marked yes

This specific group of 358 were asked if this religious trauma impacted their reading of TLT. 66.1% indicated that it did.

Open response answers elaborated on this, saying: “I think reading it is cathartic for me,” “Space trauma lets me look at my real trauma without me or real people being hurt in it,” and “making religion a part of the narrative and drawing out the themes in a way that can be analyzed and picked apart made my experience with religion something I could look at in a similar way.”

The first question from the survey was then returned to, and the ratings of the 1-4 scale were looked at solely in the group of 358 respondents with self-identified religious trauma.

Of these, 90.3% marked a 2 or higher (compared to 83.6); 15% marked a 2 (compared to 22.1%), 31% marked a 3 (compared to 33%), and 44.3% marked a 4 (compared to 28.6%). Pardon the quick graph, as I made it in about 3 minutes specifically for this

Respondents with religious trauma, on average, rated the series' depiction of religion as more impactful to their reading experience than respondents without.

All respondents were then asked, "Has TLT helped you challenge or reinforce your ideas of and experiences with religion?"

Respondents elaborated that: "it reinforced my ideas of religion because I see religion as a means of controlling people, often abusive, and rooted in the supernatural" or "It challenged me to consider how religion can be both a positive force and a hurtful institution. I knew this to a degree already, having experienced both, but reading about it helped reinforce that nuance."

Respondents were then asked on a scale of 1-5, "Does the original text or the fandom contribute more to challenging or reinforcing ideas of and experiences with religion?" 1 is individual text only, and 5 is fandom only.

The majority of respondents indicated an equal impact from the original text and the fandom, however very few people were impacted only by the fandom (1.4%) compared to the number only impacted by the text (13.8%). This wasn't investigated further.

Finally, respondents were asked what religion they'd been referring to or thinking of when they'd been answering the above questions. The vast majority indicated Christianity or Catholicism, though we did not count exactly how many of each; it was clear it was the majority, and that sufficed for our purposes. A larger, more thorough study would be needed to look at Non-Christian/Catholic respondents' experiences in comparison.

The conclusion of all of this was that, as predicted, fans of TLT with self-identified religious trauma were more impacted by the series' use and depiction of religion. This was via catharsis, sympathy, identifying with the characters, and more.

The study demonstrates a function of speculative fiction that allows readers to engage with and process difficult topics (such as religious trauma) though a protected, distanced lens where no one real is hurt. This can be taken beyond TLT and to the genre as a whole, which is often dismissed as less literary or worthy of study than its classical counterparts, an opinion the surveyors argue against.

If you've made it to the end here, thank you again for all the responses and help! I hope you've enjoyed the results, and if there are any further questions feel free to ask and I'll do my best to answer them. Upfront, yes there were 2 other components to the project (looking at queer demographics for the fandom and analyzing common themes in fanart and fic); those were my groupmates' sections, so I haven't shared them, but if you're curious I can always ask them if they'd be open to sharing :)

#tlt #the locked tomb #gideon the ninth #harrow the ninth #gtn #long post #fandom study #i know some people specifically asked about results so i'll try and find your urls to tag in the notes #cannot thank y'all enough for the help with this. we were NOT expecting that many responses #which was why so many of the question options were limited #if we gave too many and had like. 40 people respond and 20 of those each chose a different answer #or gave an open response #that makes it so much harder to extrapolate anything useful from the data #anyway. i'll stop rambling but thanks again!#was one of my most fun projects this semester

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