bad representation in the riordanverse

Racism:

-Gave Hazel and Piper gold and ‘kaleidoscope’/brown-blue-green changing eyes and pretty much went ‘Let’s add some characters of color but they cANT HAVE BROWN EYES THAT’S NOT PRETTY ENOUGH’ as if whitewashing isn’t more than just the skin.

-East Asian characters: Riordan pretty much went 'Here are my East Asian characters- one of them looks like a fat baby on steroids and is super undeveloped, his mother is strict and cold, and all the others are just described as 'Asian' because different countries in Asia don't exist and there's obviously no difference between Japanese, Chinese, and Korean'. His portrayal of East Asian characters went like this: Frank: Chinese, chubby, hates himself, underdeveloped, described to look like a 'Chinese Canadian baby man' and a 'panda' as if that's not stereotyping, and only learned to love himself when he looked hotter.  Drew: Asian, villainized, rude, shallow, vain, and selfish. Ethan: Asian, rude, evil, a traitor, and deceased. Grandma Zhang- rude, strict, cold, traditional, and deceased.

-Hazel: Has gold eyes. Has 'cinnamon brown' hair even though dark brown or black hair would be way more inclusive and realistic. Had a mother portrayed as a rude and selfish witch who sacrificed, used, and trafficked her own child. Was the only character called or described as a witch while African-Americans were usually accused of witchcraft just for their skin color. Was the only character who was cursed. Had a mother who literally practiced voodoo. The only African-American character in the series before ToA who isn't dead (but she also died). Was paired with a sixteen year old guy even though African women are constantly forced with older men and that's blatantly racist stereotyping. 

-Piper: Had 'chocolate brown' and then 'mahogany' hair? Has kaleidoscope eyes. Put a feather in her hair (which is stereotyping)- and it was an eagle feather, which is also wrong because eagles are extremely sacred to First Nation tribes and only spiritual leaders or warriors can wear it or it has to be gifted by an Elder of the tribe, and Riordan basically went 'Feathers are very important and it's racist to make a character wear one at inappropriate times but I'm going to make my character wear one as a cute accessory to make her look cool, pretty, and headstrong and to add to her 'Aesthetic'’ even though Cherokees didn’t wear feathers (which proves he did the bare minimum of research). Constantly oversexualized (56% of First Nation women are sexually harassed and Riordan had the audacity to put Piper in an 'embarrassingly low v-neck' and to have her constantly drooled over by a WHITE MALE and have her sexualized by her 1000+ mother without her knowledge or consent).  It's said that her father was from a reservation in Oklahoma...but there are no reservations in Oklahoma, only cultural centers (which also proves that he did the bare minimum of research).  She's the only First Nations character and she's the only character (besides Nancy Bobofit) depicted as a kleptomaniac (First Nations people are constantly called thieves by racist assholes). “The week before, he’d turned down several million dollars to play Tonto in a remake of The Lone Ranger. Piper was still trying to figure out why. He’d played all kinds of roles—a Latino teacher in a tough L.A. school, a dashing Israeli spy in an action-adventure blockbuster, even a Syrian terrorist in a James Bond movie. And, of course, he would always be known as the King of Sparta. But if the part was Native American—it didn’t matter what kind of role it was—Dad turned it down.” (The Lost Hero, page 165). So her father is fine with playing an extremely racist and stereotypical Middle Eastern role but not a First Nations role. Uses a cornucopia as a weapon (how she got it- cutting it off a half-bull- is disrespectful to her culture as hurting an animal is banned and she used a cornucopia- a symbol of Thanksgiving- as a weapon). Cut her hair, which is basically taboo in First Nations culture.

-Samirah: Had an arranged marriage (at age twelve, and she believed that she was groomed to be married to a rich and respectable family and nothing else). Ripped off her hijab in front of tons of male characters. The only Muslim character. The only Muslim character and she's the only character who married her cousin (you're supposed to break stereotypes, not enforce them).

Thomas Jefferson Jr: Said that he was thankful to the British for not siding with the South during the American Civil War even though they needed the South's cotton (but they didn't side with the North either). AKA a black man and son of a freed slave was thankful to Britain for not openly oppressing him? And at the same time he was named after a racist slave-owner.

Reyna: She's brown and her entire story revolves around her being independent, strong, alone, and self-sufficient but also desperately needing love and support but then Riordan says that she can't get her heart healed AKA she went through an abusive home, killed her father, left her sister, felt alone her whole life, worked a two-person job alone for months, and had to put on a brave face for others throughout all this then was literally told 'Shut up no one wants to hear about your struggles, just suck it up and deal with it’ and have you seen all the shit brown girls have to go through and keep silent about it? 

Extra: -Latino, Puerto Rican, African-American, Chinese-Canadian, East Asian, First Nations, etc. characters and the two most powerful, best, and most skilled characters and who the stories mostly revolve around are two white guys AKA white supremacy.

-"Harriet Tubman, daughter of Hermes, used many mortals on her Underground Railroad for just this reason" and that World War II was caused by a child of Zeus and a child of Hades fighting very blatantly erases the shit those people went through and Riordan just went 'Let's use these racist movements as little easter eggs in my story'.

-Thanatos, who was chained and enslaved, is described with dark skin.

-Riordan writing the characters went a little something like this: Drew: You get common Eastern Asian features like dark hair and eyes because you're arrogant, selfish, conceited, and rude, and because you're an antagonist and you're going to be used to make one of my protagonists- who has unique traits- look good so you're going to have the basic, 'boring' physical traits so the readers know who's the more superior of the two of you. Leo: You get common Latino features like curly dark hair, dark eyes, and light brown skin cause you're the weird, hyperactive unattractive one who's very flirty but constantly gets rejected and you're the only main character without a love interest and the only way you can get a girlfriend is when she's forced to fall in love with you through a curse. Frank: You get common Chinese features like dark hair and eyes cause you're the fat unattractive loser who catches the eye of the African character who already has unique and 'special' traits so you don't have to be super attractive. Reyna: You get common Puerto Rican traits like dark skin, hair, and eyes cause you're the stoic, lonely, intimidating, and cold one who wants all the guys (two white guys for that matter) but none of them want you and they both have girlfriends with traits like blonde hair and gray and kaleidoscope eyes so the readers know who are the more interesting couples.  Piper and Hazel: You two get eurocentric features because you're the main characters I have to set apart from everyone else- including other females whom I'm going to make one of you rivals with- so the readers know who's more superior so I'm giving you unique eye colors that literally cannot be found in humans so I'm going to try to validate it by saying that it's from something mildly associated with your godly parent even though neither of them have those traits. Riordan basically said that the common features are bad and boring and that unique and special features- aka features not found in those ethnicities- are good and cool. Also- if gods don’t have DNA how can their traits be passed down to their demigod children checkmate Riordan.

-Cecil Markowitz is the only Jewish character in PJO and the first thing used to describe him is "That kid, always thinking about the potential payout".

-Lavinia said that she was going to bring her date to her bat mitzvah even though you don't bring dates to bat mitzvahs or bar mitzvahs and she said that it was 'awkward' to tell her rabbi that someone was going to be her date even though you don't explain your guestlist to your rabbi, and they're most likely not even going to be at the party.

-Only three Latino and Puerto Rican characters (Leo, Reyna, and Hylla) and all three came from abusive households.

-Leo said 'Mamacita' as if that's not stereotyping.

-Made Nico ‘pale’ even though he had olive skin and gave him black hair and dark eyes despite Italians usually having light hair and eyes just to add to his ‘Goth Boy Aesthetic’.

-Hazel described Pluto to look like Adolf Hitler.

-Carter Kane said that Elvis took African-American music and made it sound like rock 'n roll and described it as cool- like no it’s cultural appropriation. 

-Leo was abused and Riordan thought that it'd be funny to make all the other characters line up to punch him and then try to make it look funny. 

-Gave almost every single POC character a white name and sometimes gave them white first names and POC surnames, and Reyna and Bianca are the only POC characters with names from their culture/native language and one of them is dead and reborn as someone else and the other’s full name wasn’t revealed until the fourth book in her series and she hates using it.

-Made two POC characters with names from their culture- Samirah and Olujime- go by white nicknames (Sam and Jamie) to make it ‘easier to read’ despite having white characters with the same amount of syllables in their names (like Annabeth) that didn’t go by nicknames.

-Never actually described the characters of color with physical traits from their ethnicities (Reyna, Hylla, and Leo with big eyes, thick eyebrows, brown hair, wide noses, full lips, etc., Piper with almost-oriental eyes, shovel teeth, high cheekbones, black hair, etc., Nico with light or brown hair and eyes, olive skin, a narrow nose, etc., Hazel with a wide nose and lips, dark brown eyes, black or dark brown hair, big eyes, thick eyebrows, etc.).

Anti-LGBTQ+:

-Nico was forcibly outed by Cupid and Riordan and the fandom didn't care and the only thing they thought was 'Aww, he has a crush on Percy! So cute!' AKA romanticizing a forced outing. 

-Riordan said that he didn't want to make Reyna lesbian or bisexual because he thought it'd be stereotypical making her LGBTQ+ because she didn't want men anymore even though she could've been bisexual all along but Riordan casually dismissed the idea of that saying "Having a girl end up with a woman after dating men is a bad stereotype" and basically said that real bi girls don’t exist.

-The Hunters of Artemis were made so Artemis/Diana could protect those girls from men and their behavior towards women but Riordan dismissed lesbian relationships- even though nothing about that was said in real Greek mythology- meaning that he thinks that women need protection from other women just as much as they need protection from men.

-Alex Fierro is the only gender-fluid or transgender character and she/he’s seen as rude, snarky, and sharp and Magnus could magically tell when Alex changed gender.

-Riordan said that he wouldn’t make Reyna a lesbian because of stereotypes despite the reader asking if Reyna was going to get a girlfriend, not come out as lesbian AKA Riordan thinks ‘Girls liking girls’ is automatically ‘lesbian’ and completely dismissed bi, pan, poly, omni, etc. girls.

-Used a self-insert to make fun of wlw readers who saw themself in Reyna and thought she could be a cool character to relate to.

-Enforced LGBTQ+ stereotypes like the cold-hearted Asexual, the flamboyant bi/pan, the snarky gender-fluid, the emo gay, the laid-back and rebellious lesbian who dyed her hair pink and chews a lot of bubblegum, etc.

-Has one-hundred fifty-five characters total minus gods/goddesses, Titans, giants, nymphs, dryads, satyrs, monsters, etc. and only has fifteen confirmed LGBTQ+ characters (do the math, that’s exactly one out of ten regarding OCs).

-Only one character that isn’t cishet.

-Saves most the LGBTQ+ for the side characters or only confirms characters LGBTQ+ once they’ve become a minor character despite being a main character before.

-Only stated that Reyna was Asexual outside of his books and on Twitter as if that’s not exactly what J.K Rowling is doing.

-Used the LGBTQ+ community to make Piper seem like the ‘special snowflake’ and to set her apart from her siblings to make it seem like she’s better than all of them and used Hera/Juno and Aphrodite/Venus as excuses for his homophobic mindset that believes that straight is the default cause “Suddenly, much of what she and I had talked about started to make sense. Not being defined by Aphrodite’s expectations. Or Hera’s ideas of what a perfect couple looked like. Piper finding her own way, not the one people expected of her” in synonymous words is 'The expectations for love and the idea of a perfect couple are a heterosexual relationship, and anyone who 'finds their own way instead of the ones people expect' are different'. ‘Different’ and ‘default’ are antonyms AKA if he thinks that LGBTQ+ people are ‘different’, he thinks that straight is the ‘default’. Remember- an author writes their own personal beliefs.

-Josephine is the only black LGBTQ+ character.

-Reyna is said to be Asexual despite feeling sexual attraction towards Percy cause no one likes someone five minutes after knowing them and it’s anything but sexual attraction.

-Magnus and Alex are the only LGBTQ+ relationship whose growth and development is actually shown in the story (while there was also Apollo and Commodus, Piper and Shel, Will and Nico, Apollo and Hyacinthus, Emmie and Jo, Lavinia and Poison Oak, etc.).

-Riordan never canonically said the name of any sexuality and is clearly uncomfortable with the LGBTQ+ community shown by his little to no writing regarding physical affection and deep emotions in his LGBTQ+ relationships.

-Only added in LGBTQ+ relationships for publicity- Percy Jackson and the Olympians release dates: 2005-2009. 2005-2009: LGBTQ+ support was nearly at an all-time low. No LGBTQ+ characters, relationships, or references in the books. The Lost Hero-The Mark of Athena release dates: 2010-2012. 2010-2012: LGBTQ+ support was still very low. Still no LGBTQ+ characters, relationships, or references in the books. The House of Hades release date: late 2013. Mid-2013: the giant spike for LGBTQ+ support and allies. One confirmed LGBTQ+ character. The Sword of Summer release date: late 2015. 2015: LGBTQ+ support was good and gay marriage was legalized. A few LGBTQ+ references but no confirmed characters. The Hammer of Thor and The Ship of the Dead release dates: 2016-2017. 2016-2017: LGBTQ+ support was quite high. Two confirmed LGBTQ+ characters and the first canon LGBTQ+ relationship and kiss. The Trials of Apollo release dates: 2016-2020. 2016-2020: LGBTQ+ support was very high. More LGBTQ+ characters confirmed in one book than all the other series combined. Kind of obvious he was just following the public opinion.

-Legit said ‘Reyna can’t like girls cause she has had crushes on guys before’.

Ableism:

-It was heavily implied in The Battle of the Labyrinth that Rachel Dare had schizophrenia/psychosis but it's never brought up again.

-Grover's fake feet made it look like he was disabled from the Mist and it was said that he was bullied because of it but it was never brought up again.

-It was said that Tyson looked like he had down syndrome from the Mist covering his one eye but it was never brought up again. 

-It was stated that every character but Frank has ADHD and dyslexia but never actually showed any symptoms after Percy Jackson and the Olympians and characters like Piper and Leo were even able to read English writing throughout The Lost Hero and the only symptom of ADHD Riordan showed through his characters was ‘a lot of fidgeting’ as if that’s not a blatant stereotype. 

Pedophilia:

-Luke, a twenty-two/twenty-three year old had a crush on Annabeth, a sixteen year old. That's a six-seven year age gap. 

-The only two girls put into relationships with much older men are black (Hazel and Sadie).

-Hazel, a thirteen year old, got together with a sixteen year old guy. Hazel's crush on Frank is normal- a girl having a crush on an older guy, but Frank's crush on Hazel is disgusting- an older guy looking down at a child and thinking about making out with her.

Misogyny:

-Aphrodite's kids are seen as useless, weak, snobby, shallow, vain, and selfish just because they’re feminine. 

-Riordan portrayed Aphrodite’s kids as feminine despite Aphrodite being the goddess of love and beauty, not femininity, as if romance and beauty are reserved for women only. 

-Piper is the only 'tomboy' child of Aphrodite and she's portrayed as tougher, stronger, and better than her feminine siblings (and it's portrayed that way multiple times throughout the story like other characters telling Piper she’s "-tough for a child of Aphrodite").

-Piper immediately stereotyped and disliked every single feminine character like Drew and the rest of the Aphrodite cabin just because they liked makeup and skirts as if that’s not shallow criticism. 

-Feminine characters like Drew, Isabel, Khione, and Medea are used or even created solely as antagonists to make Piper- the tomboy- look better.

-Calypso is the only feminine character and she sucks at everything. 

-Riordan’s take on female characters: Drew: a vain, rude, selfish, snobby, and bitchy mean girl. Silena: a shallow traitor. Reyna: a cold-hearted robot. Piper: internalized misogyny that was never brought up again. Calypso: an island whore. Athena: a rude, aggressive bitch with no emotions. Aphrodite: shallow, vain, conceited, and self-centered. Hera: completely evil with no backstory added into it. Marie: an evil witch who selfishly used and sacrificed her daughter.

-The Hunters of Artemis were blessed by Artemis to protect them from men but Riordan made it only about the men in their lives (again) and portrayed the whole 'losing men' thing like it was a burden and that they're 'giving men up' even though they join the Hunters to leave men. He distorted the original meaning of the Hunters- protecting women- by making it about the Hunters hating and being forced to leave men even though they're asking to have no men in their lives, cause that's the point of it. 

-The Amazons and Hunters of Artemis despise men and literally attack them if they so much as speak as if sexism is reserved for women only.

-Portrayed femininity as weakness (and masculinity as strength, it’s even in the word- tomBOY).

-Constantly pit women against women for the sake of romance and love triangles instead of normalizing women getting along despite liking the same people and let the female’s relationships get controlled and influenced by the men in their lives.

-The men always outpower the women in powers and skills. Riordan’s portrayal of powers and characters- Percy: You’re going to have epic water powers and can even create your own personal hurricanes and even though you’ve only been canonically training for eight months total you’re going to be the best swordfighter despite multiple characters having years more training than you. Jason: You’re going to be able to fly, control lightning, create storms, and electric shock people into another dimension. Leo: You’re going to be able to create and control fire and blow shit up with just a screwdriver. Frank: You’re going to be able to shape-shift into any animal you want, even a whole dragon. Nico: You’re going to be able to control darkness and shadows, literally teleport, and raise a whole army of undead soldiers. Reyna: Powers? Nah, your only ability is to lend strength to others as if that benefits you at all. Annabeth: Powers? Nah. Piper: You’re going to be able to manipulate and seduce people and are literally going to use your body and attractiveness as a weapon and your power is literally called charmspeak. Hazel: You have more powers than all the other characters combined that can literally destroy anyone in less than a second but you’re never going to use them or even remember that you have them cause screw the female character being more powerful than the males. 

-The men always accomplish the most incredible feats and if the females ever do accomplish something great (Reyna healing the riff and defeating Orion while the Hunters and Amazons couldn’t combined, Annabeth going through Tartarus, Hazel learning to control the Mist, etc.) they are never praised or rewarded or all the credit goes to the men. 

-Ares/Mars in real Greek/Roman mythology was the feminist patron of the Amazons who loved his daughter very much and killed a rapist but was portrayed as the dumb, cruel asshole who loved nothing but bloodshed and tried to kill a twelve year-old kid who was trying to help him while Poseidon/Neptune in real Greek/Roman mythology was a greedy, short-tempered, and arrogant asshole who raped almost as much women than Zeus/Jupiter but was portrayed as the kind, caring, and gentle father figure. 

Fatophobia:

-Frank is the only chubby character and he hates himself because of it, was constantly fat-shamed, and only learned to love himself after he got rippling abs, muscles, and looked hotter (because fat = ugly in Riordan’s mind, even though it's not). 

-Clovis was depicted with a pot-belly and Drew described him as 'repulsive'.

-Dionysus/Bacchus is also depicted with a pot-belly and he's portrayed as a useless, rude, lazy, and drunken asshole. 

Lookism:

Basically how Riordan wrote his characters- Percy, Annabeth, Jason, Reyna, Hazel, Piper, and most minor protagonists: You’re all going to be super attractive, have at least one character or more pining for you, have your looks constantly commented on, and some of you will even use your looks as a weapon cause that’s not obvious sexualization cause you’re all the main characters and protagonists that readers need to know are the protagonists. Nico, Leo, and Frank: You three are originally portrayed as unattractive but at some points are described as cute and two of you are insecure about your looks cause you’re scrawny and chubby and one of you hates yourself cause of your body and only learn to love yourself once you magically gain abs cause more muscle obviously equals more attractiveness.  Luke, Silena, Chris, and Ethan: You four are going to be super attractive because you’re traitors but all of you make up for your actions and decide to help the demigods and become protagonists again. Octavian, Bryce, Michael, Titans, giants, etc.: You all are the antagonists so you have to be super ugly with multiple physical imperfections cause you’re not allowed to be attractive since you are against the protagonists and I have to set you guys apart and show the readers who’s the better and more superior character. 

-Frank hated himself cause he was chubby and only loved himself once he got skinnier and gained muscle through magic but even then was called ‘cute like a panda’.

-Leo was described as scrawny and unattractive and was insecure about being short but even then was called ‘cute in a scrawny way’.

-Piper had facial imperfections and even a pimple on her nose but once she got claimed all of those disappeared and they stayed gone even after the blessing washed off despite all the magic being gone and only then was Piper’s looks commented on multiple times. 

-Lester/Apollo hated his appearance cause he had a little flab and acne and his physical imperfections were used as comedy by making fun of it as if insecure readers don’t exist.

-Percy and Annabeth had one canon physical imperfection- a gray streak in their hair- and that magically washed away.

-None of the other characters were described with any physical imperfections like pimples/zits/acne, body hair (despite none of the characters having the care or time to wax or shave), bushy/frizzy or messy hair or eyebrows, big or small hands or noses, blackheads, super thick or thin eyebrows, blemishes, birthmarks, scars, stretch marks, braces, lazy eyes, yellow or chipped teeth, eye bags, glasses, moles, dimples, love handles, flab/fat, visible veins, freckles, etc. unless it added to their ‘aesthetic’ despite none of those being bad and saves it only for the antagonists as if ‘physical imperfections’ = ‘evil’. 

Bias:

-Riordan portrayed the Romans as cold, cruel, ruthless, strict, and overall horrible despite them being the more inclusive camp regarding family and godly parents, have multiple families and rules that ensure their camper’s safety, and hold the nicest characters in the series while the Greeks are portrayed as fun, wild, reckless, silly, and cool despite holding the most prejudiced and rude characters, outcasting and ostracizing characters of certain godly parents just for their parentage, stereotype almost every single cabin, and make some campers without siblings live, sleep, and eat alone. 

-Every Greek traitor (Luke, Silena, Ethan, and Chris) were portrayed as powerful, kind, attractive, and awesome and each made up for their actions but each Roman ‘traitor’ (Octavian, Bryce, and Michael, and only one of them are actually a traitor) were portrayed as unattractive, cruel, ambitious, ruthless, and extremely weak and never actually did anything useful.

-The Greeks were part of the Union and the Romans were part of the Confederacy (adding on to Riordan adding racist movements as fun little easter eggs in his stories).

-Four out of seven of the main Seven are Greek.

-There are at least 70+ Greek characters and less than thirty named Romans.

-The Battle of San Francisco Bay was used for the sole purpose to weaken the Romans and make the Greeks seem stronger than them and while the Greeks went through two whole wars, their camp laid almost completely untouched but the moment the Romans are introduced, half their population is wiped?

Romanticization:

-Romanticized Annabeth judo-flipping Percy AKA romanticized physical abuse/harassment (emotions, angriness, feelings of love and affection, ‘they went through a lot together’, etc. do not excuse hitting someone) despite Annabeth knowing where Percy’s Achilles Heel was and not knowing he lost it and flipping him on his back anyways (if Percy didn’t lose the Achilles Heel, Annabeth would’ve killed him).

-Romanticized Leo killing himself to see Calypso again and to take her off her island AKA a romanticized suicide.

-Romanticized Calypso yelling at and insulting Leo and Annabeth insulting and canonically lowering Percy’s self-esteem AKA romanticized verbal abuse/bullying.

-Romanticized Will trying to help Nico through his loneliness and depression as if that can’t be portrayed as someone just wanting to help another person AKA  romanticized mental illness.

-Romanticized every character kissing another character without asking first and without their consent AKA romanticized sexual harassment.

-Romanticized Piper taking advantage over Jason’s amnesia and mental state and jumping onto him despite knowing there might be a girl he couldn’t remember AKA romanticized manipulation.

-Romanticized Piper and Annabeth’s possessive, overly-jealous, and controlling behavior over Jason and Percy (even before they were canonically dating).

-Romanticized Nico being forced to confess his crush on Percy AKA romanticized a forced outing.

Rick Riordan:

-Refused to apologize for his actions even after being called out by people from the groups he was writing inaccurately and stereotyping (Muslim, Jewish, African, First Nation, lesbian, gay, Puerto Rican, etc.) and tried to make himself look like the victim.

-Claimed he was being ‘bullied’ by readers half his age who were just pointing out his books’ racist flaws.

-Showed time and time again that he is not willing to listen to the voices of minorities.

-Clearly didn’t do his research on ethnicities, sexualities, religions, etc. shown by how he got the simplest things wrong.

-Tried to say that he- a straight white man- was right when people of the actual groups he was writing about (gay, First Nation tribes, etc.) were wrong.

-Used excuses like having a ‘headstrong’ and ‘stubborn’ character who wants to ‘show their culture in their own way’ for his stereotypes. No, Riordan, you want to show the culture that way, not Piper. She’s a fictional character, you’re real. Dumbass.

-Literally said ‘Sorry I put feathers in Piper’s hair, I can’t change what I wrote in the past and I didn’t know that sensitive readers existed’ then continued to write feathers in Piper’s hair in the future books. 

The Fandom:

Note: Not to all of the fandom, obviously

-Draws Piper with light skin, light hair, and kaleidoscope eyes with feathers, hippie bands, and beads (yes, it's canon, but you're allowed to change it if it's blatantly racist, and the bead and hippie band thing was created by the fandom and that's also stereotyping).

-Almost always draw Reyna, Hylla, and Leo with light skin and Caucasian traits (props to the few artists who drew them with the right skin tones).

-Draws Hazel with gold eyes, ‘cinnamon’/light brown hair, and an adult body.

-Sexualizes female characters by drawing them in sexy and revealing clothes and giving them all the same exact sexy, slim, and perfect hour-glass shaped bodies.

-Almost never include physical imperfections, muscle, scars, stretch marks, etc. in drawings.

-Fancasts white actors for characters of color and puts actors/faceclaims of white people or people of different ethnicities in the moodboards or aesthetics for characters of color.

-Participates in cultural appropriation by wearing feathers when cosplaying Piper and wearing a hijab when cosplaying Samirah.

-Supports Riordan, tries to defend him, and condones his clearly racist and bigoted actions just cause they ‘like the books’ (if you are straight, white, and/or cishet, I definitely don’t want to see you trying to defend a fifty-five year-old multi-millionaire who is clearly racist, sexist, homophobic, and transphobic).

-Romanticize physical abuse, verbal abuse, mental illnesses and panic/anxiety attacks, etc.

-Ship pedophilic, manipulative, abusive, and wrong relationships.

-Barely allow others to have their own opinions (looking at you Perachel haters) without yelling at, insulting, cursing out, and/or even threatening them for liking or disliking different things than them including ships, characters, books, plots/faults, and Riordan himself.

-Straightwashes characters like shipping Nico with female characters or setting him up with a female character in fanfics.

-Whitewashes characters like drawing Hazel and Piper with eurocentric features, Reyna, Hylla, and Leo with white skin and Caucasian traits, Nico with white/pale skin, etc.

-Try to excuse and explain abusive, manipulative, possessive, and overall very wrong and toxic behavior.

-Fail to recognize and/or admit the toxic, racist, homophobic, sexist, transphobic, wrong, abusive, etc. faults in the books, ships, and characters just cause they like them.

The Percy Jackson franchise does not add good representation. You can still like the series as long as you don’t condone Riordan’s racist and toxic writing and actions and don’t try to ignore the horrible and stereotypical faults just cause you don’t want to admit that your favorite or childhood story is horrible. 

What’s sarah’s trauma in occult!au?

!!!!

I’m so sorry for this 😔 major TW

CW: murder, guns, abuse, childhood verbal and physical abuse mention

***

So!!! Sarah was a first year resident at Med (which is completely irrelevant after this)

She was just... doing doctor stuff and being smart 😌✨

But then she was visiting her mum for thanksgiving

Sarah was in her old room collecting some books and stuff she left when she moved to Chicago when she suddenly heard yelling

She was confused because she heard three voices but it had only been her mum and her boyfriend down there

So she crept down the hallway and peeked around the stairs, trying to see

And the way she crouched down to look through the railing was way too reminiscent of countless childhood nights tearfully watching her parents fight from the stairs <3

Anyway she could see her mum backed into a corner and someone standing in front of her

And the boyfriend was trying to pull this guy off her but one firm elbow to the nose had him reeling backwards and crying out in pain

Sarah could hear her mother crying and pleading

“Bob... Robert don’t do this. It’s been years, it’s over.”

It was her dad

That almost had Sarah in tears

She hadn’t seen him since she was 9 and the last thing she remembered was “falling” down the front steps and breaking her arm when she was visiting him one day

her mother never sent her back to her dad’s place

Sarah made the mistake of moving down a couple steps to see better

But the old house had never been good for sneaking and her father turned around

“Sarah? Oh my goodness, you’ve grown up on me!”

Bob, you’re literally holding a gun

“Dad...”

“I didn’t know you were here,” he was saying, “Another thing your mother kept from me.”

“Sarah, go,” her mother squeaked out, which made him whip around and land a firm smack across her face

“Sarah. Stay.”

Sarah was crying by this point because it was all too much

Reminded her so much of her childhood when she would just... have to watch as he beat and belittled her mother

The only difference being now he was holding a gun

And Sarah would not put it past her father to use it

“You replaced me,” he accused, gesturing to the boyfriend who was still unconscious on the floor.

“Bob, we got divorced. It has been years.”

“I never wanted that,” he hissed, “I never wanted to leave you, to lose my daughter. You took that away from me!”

There was more fighting, more screaming. Sarah had started dissociating, absolutely terrified because now she was being plunged back into the childhood she had spent years trying to forget and suppress

She wasn’t listening anymore, sobbing as she covered her ears and tried to drown out everything

And it was just like old times with her father screaming and Sarah chanting a broken mantra of apologizes for something she didn’t do <3

Uhh what pulled Sarah out of her memories?

A gunshot

Followed by one more

And then she just screamed

She saw her mother slump forward off the wall, clearly gone

Her father holding the weapon

It all felt so surreal

All she could do was cry

And she waited for the next shot, she really did

She waited to feel the excruciating pain before it all ended once and for all

But it never came

The gun clattered to the ground and her dad just... left

This all seemed so calculated and then he just walked out

Leaving the evidence and a witness behind like he wanted to be caught

Sarah didn’t move, couldn’t move

She was just frozen there

And that’s where the police found her five hours later, absolutely numb as she stared at her dead mother and her boyfriend

This paired with her childhood abuse was like... her breaking point

and she went mute for a really long time 

no statement could be given and no court hearings done

the main witness was deemed mentally unfit to take the stand

Bob Haywood got away

Sarah was left traumatized and was in a psych ward for a long time

She picked up art in her therapy and it did help her cope

she started talking more

was on lots of meds and treatment plans 

when she was finally deemed stable enough to live alone she left the city

She dropped her residency and moved to a tiny cottage in the middle of nowhere 

and that’s where it leaves us in the present

Destiel Fic Rec List Part 7

Last Updated in October 2014. Posted in May 2020 for posterity.  Listed in no particular order - the total rec list will have ~250 fics. Header graphic used with permission.

This part of the list contains: 39 fics.

Other Destiel Rec Lists: [1]. [2]. [3]. [4]. [5]. [6]. [7].

Bare Your Throat and Have Me by highermagic E | 4k | AU, PWP,  a/b/o

Castiel and Dean have only been mated for a few months, but Dean knows how this goes by now.

Deterioration by highermagic E | 33k | Hot,  AU, Cop!Dean, Mystery

Dean has a gift – he can see things. Things that others wouldn't see, motive and calm control between the splatters of blood and fractured mirrors. He solves crimes others simply can't. When bodies are piling up all around him, Dean starts to feel as though he's drowning in it, falling under the weight of his own helpless observations, until he finds something unbreakable. Unwavering. Castiel – if only the man was as good for him as he appears.

Try Something Tuesday by almaasi E | 48k | Fluff, Teacher AU, Librarian Cas

Human AU. Dean Winchester teaches a third-grade class. He's new to this whole ‘bisexual’ thing - but by pure happenstance, he meets Castiel: a particularly dapper male librarian who moonlights as a substitute teacher. Dean's curious and Castiel is willing, so why the hell not? Except, fate never intended it to be one-time-only.

Angel-Cuffed by Luciel89 E | 15k | CANON!verse

Dean wakes up to find himself handcuffed to his angel. Both are annoyed, Sam finds it hilarious and awkward situations await them. But the longer they're tied together, the more things between them start to change...

The Bet List ❤ by StevieCas M | 55k | Fluff,  AU, Underage, wing!kink

"That bet list was the worst thing you've ever come up with, Gabe. If it wasn't for it, I would never have thought about such things. It's bad enough being an earthbound angel, it's bad enough being considered a weirdo even by angel standards. Did I have to be gay as well? Do I even represent a minority or is it just me out there?

I love the world of this fic--and Dean and Cas' relationship dynamic is perfect.    

Ad Astra ❤ by nhixxie T | 17k | Angst

One day Cas says, "Stars died for you, Dean Winchester", against ruffled hair perched atop sun kissed skin and sleepy eyes. Dean stirs, moving to spread his palms against the contour of Cas’ back, tips of fingers languidly strumming the indentations of his spine. One, two, three, four, he counts, the closest he could get to scientifically studying the anatomy of the human body. "Is this some physics crap again?" He frowns with eyes closed. Cas smiles softly. "Far from it. "Dean’s fingers play at the base of his back, ninth thoracic vertebrae, Cas notes. "Then tell me all about it.”

Read it and weep. If this were published, I would buy it.    

Sensitive by nevergotwings E | 1k | wing!kink

Curiosity sparks when Dean gets the urge to touch Castiel's wings.

An Exercise in 'Worthless' ❤ by beastofthesky

M | 26k | AU, Tattoos

"I mean, you’re–" He gestures at Cas, in his neat oxford shirt and nice pants. “–and I’m a high school dropout who tattoos for a living." Wherein Dean makes a hefty living as a tattoo artist who owns the space next to Gabriel's cafe. Sam attends the local university. When Gabe's cousin comes to live with him while starting grad school at Sam's university, Dean thinks for sure that all his negative karma's coming to bite him in the ass because Cas clearly has a thing for Sam. No one would ever choose him over Sam. That's just logic.

Perfection everywhere. Dean's lack of self-worth is explored, and there are tattoos.    

Of ties and wings by perpetuallycaffinated E | 4k | Hot,  PWP, wing!kink

Jealousy, ties and and impatient angel. Also, wings.

pie | by perpetuallycaffinated E | 3k | Hot,  PWP

Dean uses pie to eat out Castiel. That's pretty much it.

I Say, But I Mean by inplayruns T | 4k | Coffee Shop AU

Dean runs a bed & breakfast. Cas works in a coffeeshop.

Heavenly Delights by TamrynEradani T | 2k | Fluff, Coffee Shop AU

Gabriel owns Heavenly Delights, the coffee shop Cas works at and on the day before Thanksgiving, Cas sees someone looking down so he brings him a hot chocolate, and Gabriel conspires to get them together.

New Eyes by ozzutly E | 1k | Canon!Verse

Dean sees Castiel's true form. He decides he likes it.

Resonance by definitely_indecisive G | 1k | Canon!Verse, Soul Bond

The battered and abused presence had poked warily out, almost as if expecting harm. He let his grace drift forward to meet the soul instantly, putting off all of the warmth he could muster. The presence seemed to stutter for a second, before melding itself into Castiel's grace. He allowed the soul to do so, cradling it with his core. He could feel the tiredness and abuse from the poor thing, yet also the amazing light it gave off as it started to slowly heal because of his grace. He could tell this was the most unique soul he had ever met, and that he wouldn't forget the feeling of the presence for all of millennia.

My Roots Take Flight by KismetJeska M | 125k | Reverse!verse, s4 AU

After forty years in Hell, Dean’s more than willing to accept the offer: become a guardian angel and earn his freedom. But his new ward seems destined to hunt alongside Sam, and there are secrets in Heaven that the angels don’t want found out. Dean’s going to have to choose between his duty and the people he loves- and to work out just where Castiel fits in.

Angel Airlines by dancingloki E | 19k | Hot, Airline AU

Dean is an airline pilot with a raging hard-on for his head flight attendant. Fluffy fluffy fluff.

El Tango de Amor by literaryoblivion E | 16k | AU, Fluff,  Angst,

Every Tuesday and Thursday, Dean leaves, is gone for two to three hours, and comes home sweaty and exhausted to the apartment he and his brother Sam share. Sam had asked him where he went once, and Dean had said he was working out, which technically wasn’t a lie. What he was doing was definitely giving him a workout, just not in the traditional sense. In all actuality though, Dean was leaving every Tuesday and Thursday for a dance class. A dance class taught by a one Castiel Novak.

Ugly Sweater!Verse ❤ ❤ by nerdylittledude E | 193k  | Canon!verse,Fluff,  Post s5

If they really go back and think about it... it all started with a tree. A Christmas tree, that is. Castiel is human now, and the apocalypse is not only over, it's been averted. Sam's away at NYU, finally finishing law school, and Dean's stuck in what is probably the most awkward situation of his life. He's not exactly sure how he ended up sharing a flat with Cas in Media, Pennsylvania, but he does know the curious would-be angel is sort of derailing his plans for a life of decadence and booze. Cas is trying to make the best of his humanity by exploring human holidays. Dean can't exactly complain because he's pretty much the reason Cas got his wings clipped in the first place. Dean didn't actually want to fall in love, but how was he supposed to know it would all start with a goddamn tree?

 My favorite fic ever. I don't know how many times I've read it. There is switching, fluff, angst, and slow building romance. I will rec this forever.    

More Than Alien Mojo by remivel

E | 29k | Men in Black AU, Fluff,

Dean was one of Men in Black's best agents. In fact, he's been knee deep in extraterrestrial crap his whole life, and he's gone through more apocalypses than he could care to remember. He thought he's seen it all-- until he and his partner, Sam, were sent out to a routine meteorite crash inspection. What was supposed to be a meteorite turned out to be a golden spaceship, and instead of hitchhiking intergalactic pathogens, it was an alien that took the form of a human male. A very naked human male. Soon, they discovered that this alien named 'Castiel' was a refugee from a war-torn galaxy.The first of his kind to ever venture to Earth, Castiel agreed to share information about his galaxy and his race in exchange for his relocation on Earth. The only catch was: since Castiel was a new alien species, nobody knew what he was capable of, whether he was as harmless as E.T., or as dangerous as the Predator. And it was Dean's job to keep an eye on him and assess just how much of a threat Castiel could be, and if necessary, eliminate him. It wasn't a job Dean was looking forward to doing. Especially since he couldn't seem to keep his eyes off him, naked or not.

Come On With the Rain by remivel E | 36k | High School AU, dubcon

When Castiel was 15, his life changed. In one tragic instant, he lost his parents, and he was forced to live with his Uncle Bobby in Lawrence, Kansas. There he met the Winchester boys, Sam and Dean, who were living next door. He thought Sam was pleasant, and Dean, well, Dean was special. Three years passed and Castiel’s relationship with the boys developed in an unexpected way. Sam became his best friend. But Dean was a different story. Dean was not Castiel’s friend. He was a neighbor, a classmate, the brother of Castiel’s best friend, and the guy who worked part time at his uncle’s salvage yard. That was all. But on the rare times that Dean asked Castiel for help, Castiel couldn’t find it in him to turn him down. Because this was Dean. And the answer would never be “no” when it came to Dean.

Crossroads State by Mercy M | 51k | AU

Castiel has a nice predictable structured life teaching high school, even if he happens to be overqualified for it. Then this guy moves in around the corner and literally knocks him on his ass.

Heart of Glass by omphalos E | 17k | Canon!Verse

He's the one who was punished, severely, because of his feelings for Dean, but who still gave up everything for him in the end. Surely there should exist between them a better level of comprehension than this.

Domesticated by kototyph E | 15k | AU

Being the only angel in the entire Pacific Northwest can be tiring, even if these days Castiel spends more of his time shoveling manure than fighting off the hordes of hell. It's an occupational hazard, unfortunately; he earns most of his living rehabilitating wild animals a few miles outside Spokane. Wild animals like Dean, for instance— a mountain lion who's entirely too smart for his own good. There's a man in Castiel's dreams named Dean too, but that part's just a huge coincidence.

Excite by perpetuallycaffinated E | 3k | Crack, wing!kink

"Sam Winchester, I am going to carnally worship your brother whether you are in this room or not.

Snapshots 'Verse ❤ by highermagic E | 60k [WIP] | AU, Wing!kink, a/b/o, omega!dean

A series of one-shots following the meeting, courting and eventual love between an Angel doctor named Castiel and an Angel teacher by the name of Dean.

Less of a WIP, more of a series of one-shots. Rowan's worldbuilding is lovely, and the sex is perfect as usual. EDIT: Apparently this has been removed.

Angel's Wild ❤ by riseofthefallenone E | 389k | AU, H/C, Wing!kink

But that’s the whole reason he’s here, isn’t it? He’s not out here hunting Humans. He’s not even hunting deer, or bears, or anything else that featured in Bambi. He’s out here, freezing his nuts off every night, because he’s hunting Angels. Sometimes Dean wishes that Angels were like how they’re described in the Bible. How people from time too old for him to care much about thought Angels were messengers and warriors of God, protectors of Humans. He knows that how they’re really described in the Bible is actually pretty terrifying, but at least they were told by God that they’re supposed to love Humans, right? That’s a thousand times better than what Angels really turned out to be.

Perfection. Go read it now.    

Sharing Hands by almaasi E | 6k | Hot, Canon!Verse

Dean feels something strange when he touches himself, and realises Cas has been using him as a vessel ever since he came back from Purgatory.

The Good Samaritan Rule by manic_intent E | 6k | AU, wing!kink

Written for deancaskink: "Dean and Castiel are both angels and brothers-in-arms. During a battle, Cas's wings get hurt and [it's] up to Dean to help him out. In the process, Cas finds out how sensitive his wings are and well Dean is Dean no matter what his form [is], so this leads to lovely first time sex." God never made humans. Instead, he made the angels in his image, and on the sixth day he made the is him, and gave them free will.

How (thanks to Gabriel) Dean and Castiel (accidentally) raised each other (and Sam) ❤ by Vera_Dragonmuse E | 69k | AU, Sam/Gabriel

In which, Gabriel meddles with the time line and Castiel becomes Dean's angel rather sooner than intended.

Out of the Deep ❤ by riseofthefallenone E | 488k | AU, h/c

Stay away from the light-beds. Stay in the deep. It is the first thing hatchlings are taught the moment their fans unfurl and they can swim without their parents to buoy them along. It is the first rule, the first law. It is the beginning of every boogey-monster bedtime story told when they settle against the cliffs to sleep. Castiel should have listened better.

It's long, but worth it.    

Feathers by brightly_lit M | 90k | Angst, Wing!kink, D/s

In an alternate season 5 scenario, Dean, Sam, and twenty of their closest hunter friends stopped the apocalypse by closing the gates to heaven, hell, and purgatory. Now working with his former hunter buddies at Ellen's security company, Dean doesn't know what to make of his weird new coworker who always wears a trenchcoat and leaves behind feathers everywhere he goes. He especially doesn't know that, cut off from the power of heaven, the constantly falling feathers mean his new friend is dying. "Creation cried out against the injustice of a righteous man in hell. I answered its cry.

Vita Nuova ❤ by wordaccordingtofangirls M | 61k | Teacher AU

AU. Dean Winchester takes a job as a teaching assistant to get his little brother into a prestigious academy. He doesn't quite expect such long nights and snobby kids, but the real surprise is professor Castiel Novak: or falling in love with him, that is.

Like a Parched Land by twoskeletons E | 8k | reverse!verse

Written for the following prompt: "Reverse!verse: Castiel is the Righteous Man and Dean is the angel who drags his ass out of Hell." This is an AU version of episodes 5x01 through 5x03.

The Cabin by bookkbaby E | 16k | Canon!Verse, Wing!kink

For an angel, the building of a Nest is sacred. Dean doesn't understand. Written for the 2013 DCBB.

Pies and Prejudice by linoresearch E | 97k | AU

Dean didn’t even want to enter this damn competition. He was happy with his life, more or less. It might not look like much from the outside, or to a younger brother headed towards a big time law career, but it wasn’t so bad that Dean needed to scrabble around for any opportunity to make a change – particularly not one as stupid as this. He’s going to throttle Sam the next time he sees him, for getting him involved in this ridiculous Bake-Off TV show. It’s bad enough that Dean has to cook in front of people he doesn’t know; he now has to go through the humiliation of being judged on it too. Its humiliation piled on humiliation, and to make matters worse Dean has to play nice with all the other suckers involved, like that rich dick-bag Castiel Novak. God, he hates that guy, and he hates that someone so awful has such a frustratingly fine ass. Written for the Dean/Castiel Big Bang 2013

The Breath of All Things ❤ by KismetJeska T | 65k | AU, H/C Angst,

Dean Winchester was twenty-six years old when a car accident killed his father and left him paralysed from the waist down. A year and a half later, Dean is in a wheelchair and lives in a care home in Kansas, where he spends his days waiting to die. It's only when Castiel Novak starts volunteering at the care home that Dean starts to wonder if a changed life always equals a ruined one.

So angsty, and so, so perfect.    

All the Way ❤ by cadignan E | 81k | College AU

Castiel spends the first two weeks of college in much the same way he spent the previous years: alone with his books. He’s fine with it—he enrolled in college to learn, after all. Then in his first chemistry lab, he has the bad luck of being paired with snide, good-for-nothing Ruby, and the further misfortune of sitting behind Dean Winchester, the world’s most beautiful distraction. Ruby catches Castiel staring at Dean and makes him an offer.

Destiel, Actually by Bloodism E | 15k | Crack Fluff,

Picture your typical rom-com cliché. Now picture Dean stuck in that rom-com cliché. With Castiel. Because that's what happening to him - a crazy whirlwind of your typical-and-not-so-typical cliché's. He's playing the main lead in all of them and Castiel's his counterpart. Of course, the culprit is obvious. Gabe's enjoying himself too much, lying back on his favourite cloud with a tub of salted popcorn. It was about time someone kicked the two knuckleheads into gear.

Suburban War by squeemonster E | 100k | High School AU

Moving to Lawrence with his family is the most significant event of Dean Winchester's life. It brings a stability he's never known, and the only thing to have more of a profound impact on him is Castiel Novak: the two boys become fast friends the day they meet. But as Dean grows older, he dreams for something beyond the monotony and constraints of suburbia, and he is haunted by the inexplicable feeling that he was born for something more than what this life offers. As he struggles to reconcile the person he yearns to be with what his family and friends expect of him, a fateful choice exposes just how fragile his life in the suburbs is, and possibly risks losing the best friend he's ever had.

a public service announcement- or more accurately, a state of the vesta announcement.

as always, a preface to note that i am more than aware that i owe explanation to no one. that’s a fact carved into the bedrock of the society at large in whick we live. suggesting otherwise is frankly a massive red flag in my book, as it reeks of attempts at emotional manipulation. i’m a lot of things- good, bad, in between- but trying to push me by those means is something life has made me immune to. that said...

i think we can all agree that this year has been an absolute shit show. and it is taking a toll on the best of us. but, as is obvious if you know me well and/or have been following me since i first decided to tackle steve- or further back still- you likely would have noted my absence. (or you figured i’d vanished into a new fandom and you missed my self promo...) fact is, i actually have been absent.

cut for a series of potential triggers- if you have any triggers about abuse, mental health, general health, or addiction, proceed with caution or avoid entirely.

i was going to carefully write the whole series of events out, but it was becoming a russian novel length, and that’s just silly. so lets just bullet point, shall we?

in a span of approx four weeks, i spent several days in state mandated detox. twice. 

but vesta, how’d you manage that? funny you should ask.

i’m an addict. six months in a rehab in the boondocks of new hampshire sorted me out. i had 14 years under my belt. i worked impossibly hard for every day of it. and while the work was hard, eventually it just became habit. 

so...relapse? yeah. in the middle of those 14 years, i traded substance abuse for emotional and physical abuse at the hand of my now ex boyfriend. i didn’t relapse when i hid in my bathtub because even his looking in my direction felt like a threat. i didn’t relapse when i had a miscarriage- something i never would have known had my ex ever asked whether i wanted his cock anywhere near me. he never asked. he just took. and when i got home from the hospital, devastated and in pain, sobbing under the covers because our apartment was so small there wasn’t a lot of spaces i felt were safe, my ex booted up his computer to find out when i could have sex again. 

a series of interventions between my friendsand family gave me the sense of self worth enough to kick him out. and i was supposed to be free to finally do things i wanted to do, better myself, go back to school maybe.

and that’s where the stalking started. i had moved from salem, ma down to my hometown, sarasota, fl. he followed me. he’d bombard me, and then find new and creative ways to get around the fact i blocked him over and over. none of the platforms he used to do so- everything from facebook to fanfiction.net- would help me. i was this horrible mix of shame and fear, and i have no one to really talk about it with- i never told my parents it was happening- just mentioning the bastard’s name was enough to send my parents into a paranoid frenzy about my safety.

some of his messages were pleas for me to forgive him and move back in with him. the rest were a very pointed attack, using every single thing he knew i feared or was afraid of.

it came to a head between november and december, i could barely sleep for the nightmares. the anxiety about the random appearances in my inbox and panic about how he was agoing to attack me next caused a cascade of additional problems. around thanksgiving, i all but stopped eating. my appetite has not returned, still. and finally, i broke. 

my family was out of town. i was alone, and unwilling to burden anyone else with my problems. i was so desperate to make everything be quiet and still and the one thing that always made it quiet and still was to get blackout drunk.

they say if you relapse, you don’t get a reset button. you pick up where you left off, or worse.

it was worse. in two weeks or so i spent several days scared out of my mind in detox. i lost my job. an ambulance had to becalled to take me to the hospital- i have no memory whatsoever of that night- and after a few hours, the hospital discharged me. onto the street. with no shoes or phone. i walked barefoot from the hospital home. it’s a 15 minute car ride. i don’t know how long it took me- i have scraps of memory of that part of the evening. i’m actually pretty sure that it was some kind of illegal for the hospital to do that, but...

so rehab again. there’s this sort of stigma around the idea of someone becoming institutionalized. i’ll admit, i always found it a little pathetic or sad. it’s very different when it’s you, desperate to stay just a little longer. if i could have? i’d still be there. 

but crona hit, and i came home.

the opposite side of the coin here is that i was able to get a job almost immediately. no interview. just a come in to fill paperwork, and got handed keys to the store.  furthermore, they’re training me to be a pharmacy technition. i just started the courses today.

and even more importantly, on a whim, and without intention, i picked up online classes and started...going to school...again? this is massive for me- i dropped out of collage after a series of events so similar to the ones mentioned above that i refuse to review them again. i  had a loose plan to go back, but i fell into full time at barnes and noble, and weeks became months, then years, and i had kind of concluded that i was going to be trapped in retail forever. tricking myself into it is probably the only way i would have been able to do it- today was finals for the courses i’d picked up. i  haven’t gotten to the end of an attempt at education since high school- and i only did that by the skin of my teeth, too.

anyway. the long and short- i do try to be around here, but i’m actively taking classes, working extra hours at work to have time for training courses, and focusing on my physical health- my skin has never been so clear, i’ve lost about 60lbs, i’m in school again with a pretty clear view of what i want to accomplish. i’m making admittedly skittish efforts to try to find someone that i could do date like things with. we’ll see. 

so that’s the sitch. i genuinely appreciate everyone’s patience with me, and the support that’s so generously been offered. i adore you all. ♥- v

— && guests may mistake me as ( olivia holt ), but really i am ( ava scott, female, she/her ) and my DOB is ( september 10th, 1996 ). i am applying for the ( housekeeping ) position as part of the EHP and would like to live in suite ( 210 ). i should be hired because i am ( adaptable & creative ), but i can also be ( guarded & insecure ) at times. personally, i like to ( doodle, read, bullet journal, eat ) when off the clock, but that won’t interfere with work. thank you for your consideration!

tw: car accident, death, alcoholism, emotional abuse, physical abuse

hello pals it’s jess back with a new character and hopefully less anxiety.

✲ ✲ ✲ ✲

ava grew up pretty normally for the most part, she was born and raised in eastham, massachusetts, a beachy tourist town with one high school, two gas stations on either side of town and loads of backroads. life in the scott household was average. her parents had average jobs; her mother, allison was a bank teller and her father, matthew worked as a maintenance man at a country club golf course a few towns over and she didn’t have any siblings. her parents loved her, they gave her everything they possibly could and taught her how to love, taught her compassion and humor, they let her be a kid and encouraged her creativity and imagination and intelligence. allison and matthew wanted the absolute best for their child.

most of her childhood was spent outside; she went to the beach, had swim lessons at the pond down the street from her home, road her bike all over town, sat out in concrete driveway for hours with a box of sidewalk chalk, whatever it was she was going to have fun. winters were dull, half of cape cod was closed for the season but it just meant she had to try a little harder and she didn’t mind that at all. ice skating on the weekends with her friends, painting in her bedroom, taking up babysitting once she was 13. her life was just normal, nothing turned her life around or made her think twice about much. 

she went through middle and high school the same way. starting a summer job at a seafood restaurant, went to parties with her friends, did her homework and got good grades. she had a few boyfriends, nothing serious, not the earth-turning love her parents had that she craved, but someone to keep her company, someone to bring her comfort on bad days and that was enough for her. 

tw: car accident, death

heading into college, ava expected it to be just like the rest of her life, average, not filled with the ups and downs it turned out to be. she attended umass boston in the fall of 2015 and before she made it home to eastham for thanksgiving, her life had changed completely. it was october 7th in the middle of one of her english classes that she received a call from her grandfather that flipped a switch for her life. when she was finally able to call him back, he told her her parents had been in a car accident, an 18-wheeler truck ran a red light and both of her parents were killed on impact. 

she immediately left boston, driving the two hours home to eastham with shaking hands and tears streaming down her face as she tried her best to process that she’d never see her parents again. after the funeral, ava didn’t go back to school. “there wasn’t anything there for her”, and being in her childhood home just felt better than being in a dorm room with a roommate she barely knew. the following months were met with growing up and shoving her emotions down. she found a job at a local donut/coffee shop and worked as much as she could. 

it was at that donut shop, nearly six months to the day of her parents death, that cody williamson walked into her life. they had gone to high school together, he’d been a senior when she was a freshman and they never once spoke, but that day at the coffee shop he took interest in her, and it was a slow enough morning for them to have a conversation that ended with him getting her phone number. it was a good confidence boost for ava, and after a few weeks of talking, hanging out and hooking up, they began dating. 

there were red flags from the beginning, his obvious anger issues, his constant want to be intoxicated, threatening her during fighting matches they had; but none of it was enough for ava to give up the “one good thing” she’d had since her parents died. 

tw: emotional abuse, physical abuse

seven months into their relationship cody was physically abusive to ava for the first time. he shoved her into a wall during one of their fighting matches then told her she shouldn’t have made him so angry, she played it off that he was too drunk and the next day when she was sore she brushed that off too. she was so wound up in wanting someone to care about her that she wasn’t able to see the toll the relationship was taking on her emotionally. 

two weeks later it happened again, only this time he kept his hand around her throat until she scratched a hand down his cheek. that earned a slap across the face and ava apologized out of instinct for making him mad. her cheek was still red the next morning when she got up for work. 

each time he abused her it escalated, his anger grew and so did her guilt, for doing whatever it was that made him angry. her brain had rewired into thinking it was her fault for anything that happened. but the good moments in between all of the abuse kept her around too. 

ava continued to work at the coffee shop, even becoming a manager of the morning shift but that began to cause problems between her and cody too. he wanted to see her more, he didn’t want to get woken up in the morning when she had to be there for work, he made excuses and begged her to quit, that he’d take care of her. and those were the golden words for ava. 

just a month after getting the management position she quit her job and married cody at the courthouse a few towns over. the marriage and moving in together did nothing for the abuse. he came home from work and started drinking, and that brought the anger and then any little thing ava did wrong would turn around on her. 

excuses with her friends and grandparents about the bruises or split lips or black eyes weren’t covering it anymore, they hadn’t been for a while. but it wasn’t until she showed up her grandparents home with perfect finger sized bruises around her forearm and a cut on her cheek that they had enough of watching and hoping their granddaughter would leave him. ava cried in the background as they called the police on cody, but the tears were in relief, that someone was doing what she hadn’t been able to, what she’d been to scared to do herself. 

her and her grandfather took a police escort to the apartment ava and cody shared to collect her things, only to have him come home halfway through and absolutely blow up. he was arrested and held overnight while ava and her grandparents moved her into their home. it was a temporary fix, but one she needed desperately. 

over the next few months, ava worked to get a divorce settled while she figured out what was next for her. she didn’t have an education, she didn’t have any money to fall back on, she didn’t even have a job. but thankfully the coffee shop hired her back and she was able to start working again. 

cody broke the restraining order twice, once showing up at the donut shop and once following her from work to a gas station, the second time he was arrested and sentenced to a year in jail. knowing that there was no way cody could get to her, ava felt like there was a weight taken off her shoulders.

she started going to therapy shortly after he was sentenced under advice from her grandmother. there was a lot of her life she needed to unpack, and she needed to do it the right way. therapy helped ava realize her struggles with self worth and her insecurities, it also helped her grow as a person and guided her through the trauma of her parents death and her relationship with cody. 

it’s been months now, and ava’s life hasn’t completely turned around but it’s getting there. a change of scenery from the place she lived her whole life felt like a good next step, so she saved up as much money as possible, started looking for jobs and places to live online when she stumbled on the malnati. landing a job in housekeeping, she moved to chicago in april of 2020 and is working to start a new life for herself. 

✲ ✲ ✲ ✲

she loves art and doodling and adult coloring books. art was originally what she was going to college for but dropped out when her parents passed away 

she’s a big coffee lover, likes to actually taste her coffee and doesn’t load it with sugar

she wants to travel eventually, she’s never left massachusetts aside from her recent move to chicago

she isn’t a picky eater, she’ll eat pretty much anything except mushrooms

she drives a silver 2008 toyota four runner

she’s a big lover of female pop rock musicians; halsey, billie eilish, kelly clarkson, pink, avril lavigne, ashlee simpson and gwen stefani but she also likes bands like panic! at the disco and 5 seconds of summer

she’s a romantic but her outlook on love needs some work because of her previous relationship

she has a few small tattoos scattered all over the place. she has her ear lobes, cartilage, navel and nipples pierced. 

she’s demisexual 

she’s got “hoe for her partner” energy, but other than she’s not really into casually hooking up unless there’s some feelings involved. 

she was and still is a backstreet boys fan, aj girl for life. 

she bullet journals as a way to collect her thoughts

here’s her pinterest board

✲ ✲ ✲ ✲

wcs ;; 

a tour guide ;; since she’s kind of new to chicago

a best friend ;; someone she can put her trust and faith into, she really needs good people in her life. 

any kind of friend connection really

work buddies 

tattoo friend ;; she wants more she just can’t ever decide what she wants 

self defense teacher ;; this is a new development for her, but she really wants to know how to defend herself in bad situations because of her previous relationship 

someone she can get her dog needs out of ;; she doesn’t have a dog of her own but loves them so much and will absolutely walk and play with them for free! 

frenemy would be interesting 

Educated | December 2019

For the entire year, I wished this book wasn’t on our reading list. Seeing Educated  as our December read gave me caution for what I would learn in its pages and how that information would roll around in my head and heart, weighing me with a burden I didn’t need to bear. I don’t handle hard stories well. As this final book selection rolled nearer, my uneasiness grew. I knew this would be a hard read, and even contemplated a few times explaining to this club that I knew myself too well and decided to cautiously decline reading even one page of this memoir. But I wondered if I would regret missing out.

Ten days ago,* I cracked the book open and read about the Indian Princess and the family she housed at her base. Somehow, I was hooked. More than that, I was captivated, spellbound, fascinated with Tara’s story. One more chapter, then one more, then just another. Ultimately, I found Tara to be an exquisite storyteller, a master of words. I found her descriptions to be detailed enough to engulf me and transport me to her world, but she allowed the reader to have emotions for themselves; she didn’t describe her emotions in order to take you into her world, and I liked that. Instead, she let the events and people speak for themselves and for the reader to discover in their own understanding.

Home: Again, and Again, and Again I loved the foreshadowing of the prologue: “[My father] never told me how I’d know when it was time to come home.” Returning home, to her beloved Buck’s Peak and her complicated, unstable home was the thread that weaved, always rough and harsh, through Tara’s novel. As the reader, it was easy to take the stance of run away and never return! and I assumed that her move to college would be such. But she returned: during school breaks and summers, on weekends and for a sole midnight intrusion, for weddings and funerals, reconciliation and reunion, before a final resolve for a peaceful goodbye on her terms. Yet, did you catch it? I think she holds out hope that she may yet be welcomed home, in time. Does anyone else agree with me on this?

As the reader, each time you see her begin a journey back to Buck’s Peak, you wonder: why. I think the author does a tremendous job of displaying how real, deep, and valued family ties are. Though she confronts her parent’s mistreatment, neglect, and failings in their caring for her, she always thinks the best of them. She always says she loves them. She always explains how they are acting in their understanding of love toward her; I saw this especially in her parent’s visit to Harvard, including the Sacred Grove and Niagara Falls. I think Tara can really see that her parents are not whole beings and are loving her as they think is love. But it takes Tara ten years to learn that she cannot be loved by her parents, in their peculiar way, and remain a whole person. In her final visit to Buck’s Peak and her intentional goodbye, she describes this beautifully: “He gave me a stiff hug and said, ‘I love you, you know that?’ ‘I do,’ I said. ‘That has never been the issue.’” (Page 310).

List of Traumatic Events About halfway through the book, I thought I would write down each incident of injury. I found these to be the most intense.

two terrible car crashes

falling 18 feet in a junkyard with a deep leg wound at the age of ten

acting as first responder to a fire burn at the age of ten

physically, emotionally, and verbally abused from roughly the age of 15 to 25

Us vs. Them Because of her father’s, Gene’s, obsession with preparing for the End Days and his distrust of the government, he instilled in his family the mentality of us vs. them: a prevalent thinking that our family knows the real truth and everyone outside these walls---even those inside the same church as us---is out to harm us, destroy us, rip us apart. It’s us vs. them, and they can’t win.

This is ironic. Charles pointed it out---I’m not exactly sure when---but over the course of her story I had developed the same thought: there was no us for the Westovers. They are not looking out for each other. This is displayed in a dozen ways throughout the book:

Not yelling for help when Shawn was being abusive. This is true for likely all the siblings, but it’s known for Tara (the Thanksgiving choke and pin in the family room, the hundreds of times she was inverted into the toilet bowl), revealed through Audrey’s account of violence, and is hinted at through Tyler and Richard’s stance and uneasiness when they witness Shawn’s aggression. Somehow, they each knew that to call on a family member for help was not an option. 

No communication with each other. Again, related to Shawn’s violence, no one shared with another member of the family the abuse they suffered until years after they had all left the house.

No teamwork. On the junkyard and at sites, Gene established it was each man (child, really) for himself. I’m chucking lead, so you better duck. I’m concerned about this wildfire, so you better drive your burning body home yourself. I value money above all things, so you best learn how to balance on that pallet and stop wishing for a cherry picker.

A focus on individual responsibility and strength. Tara describes this specifically when she recalls her instincts on page 102: “All my life those instincts had been instructing me in this single doctrine---that the odds are better if you rely only on yourself.” I think this is also displayed through two events that happened when she was ten: her 18-foot fall from the metal bin at the junkyard and her first response care to Luke’s burned leg. After she fell from the bin, her father responded with, “What happened? How’d you manage that?” (Page 65). After she cared for Luke, her mother responded with, “You were lucky this time, Tara. But what were you thinking, putting a burn into a garbage can?” (Page 71). The parents assumed no responsibility for the danger they flung their children into. Instead, Tara grew up being taught that every hurt and failing was her own doing.

I thought the struggle to name who was ultimately responsible for each hardship was beautifully described at the end of the chapter called Apache Women (page 40), when Tara is wrestling with wondering who was at fault for the first car accident. She crafts the most wonderful conclusion. “Me, I never blamed anyone for the accident, least of all Tyler. It was just one of those things. A decade later my understanding would shift, part of my heavy swing into adulthood, and after that the accident would always make me think of the Apache women, and of all the decisions that go into making a life---the choices people make, together and on their own, that combine to produce any single event. Grains of sand, incalculable, pressing into sediment, then rock.” To me, she is saying that the accident was her father’s fault for not leading the family by being the driver and her mother’s fault for letting him be so selfish. But those are grains of sand overlaying a rocky ground of her father’s untreated depression atop a foundation of false believes (not calling an ambulance for medical help). It’s a long spiral down of many poor choices.

Family Under A Firm, Compassionless Father When I think of Tara’s family, I think of a house full of force, emptied of service; full of physical harm, emptied of protection; full of emotional manipulation, emptied of quiet, listening ears. I thought Tara brilliantly described her father through the example of the math equation: “Dad could command this science, could decipher its language, decrypt its logic, could bend and twist and squeeze from it the truth. But as it passed through him, it turned to chaos.” (Page 126)

The image she describes of her laying on the mattress in the back of their van alongside her mother and Audrey, while her dad accelerates through a snow storm seems to be the perfect picture of how life existed under his authority. He is stubborn, always right In his own eyes, always selfish, never listens, and thrusts his family into harm. I feel so sad for her mom, thinking of her laying there with a quiet question of, “Shouldn’t we drive slower?” answered with acceleration; her eyes closed, body tense, knowing her children will crash alongside her. It is heartbreaking to me to think of the hopelessness of that moment.

After reading about Shawn’s physical, emotional, and verbal abuse toward Tara, I thought she would be most hurt by him. And she was, of course, very hurt---so much that she removed herself from her family. But in how she describes her hurt, it seems that she is most hurt by her father. This at first surprised me. But I now understand; it was under his leadership that all her hurts originated. And it was him who she had to guard herself from as she attempted to reconcile with her mother.

Audrey I found it interesting that no memory or event with Audrey was specifically called out in Tara’s memoir until the revealing of Shawn’s abuse toward her. For the reader, it felt like Tara was connecting with a stranger, but for Tara, we can assume that their relationship as sisters was deeper for her than what we interpret. It isn’t a wonder why there is little to recall of her memories with Audrey, though; Audrey seemed to always have a job outside the home from an early age in order to avoid her father’s junkyard and Shawn’s abuse. I found it so sad to learn that Audrey later retracted her statements of abuse from Shawn. I wonder: how long can a person lie to themselves?

Shawn When I think of Tara’s relationship with Shawn, I feel such a sadness for the emotional complexities and shifting assurances that that relationship brings. How does someone reconcile that their greatest protector and defender is also their most harmful abuser? What a twisted relationship for Tara to process for her own health and wellbeing. Perhaps because the violence toward her is so terrible, the moments of protection he provides are astonishingly remarkable. 

The description of Shawn advocating for Tara’s safety in not running the Shear (page 140) brought me to tears. This violent stranger of a brother risks himself for a month in order to keep her from harm. And yet, he himself is her greatest harm. 

Another moment is described when she is trapped on the runaway horse, Bud. This sentence struck me as beautifully written: “All this would happen in seconds, a year of training reduced to a single, desperate moment.” (Page 103) And he rescues her.

And the one that sets this bipolar relationship into motion, after he has “fixed” her neck and she sees him as, “...some longed-for defender, some fanciful champion, one who wouldn't fling me into a storm, and who, if I was hurt, would make me whole.” (Page 97)

Tyler Contrast this with Tyler, who is the shining hero in her story. The one who encouraged her education, protected her from Shawn, and stood by her when her family disowned her. This single sentence is remarkable: “How do you thank a brother who refused to let you go, who seized your hand and wrenched you upward, just as you had decided to stop kicking and sink? There aren’t words for that, either.” (Page 317) 

Reading that sentence made me weep, and this is what I think Tara is best at: in bringing the complicated emotions and abuses of the human heart into such beautiful descriptions that the reader is left knowing the depths of the potential of the human race’s unthinkable harm and yet abundant rescue a bit more poetically.

Final Thoughts Oh, there are likely a dozen more moments I’d like to discuss; I feel as if I’ve barely scratched the surface of my notes. I loved this book because I love reading non-fiction, and I’m finding memoirs are my favorite. I loved this book because the writing was simply beautiful and her storytelling supreme. Her realization, “...that a life is not a thing unalterable.” (page 286) might sum up the triumph from tragedy that her life represents. Amazing. Of course, I give it five stars.

I’d love to hear what you thought of the book, even if you have a less glowing review than mine. Please share your takeaways below!

Also, one of my favorite podcasts did a book review of Educated. Take a listen here if you’re interested.

*It took me twice as long to write my review as it did for me to read the book! So the start of this review isn’t hot off the press. ;)

Home is Where the Heart Is Pt One

Here it is! The second installment of my college soulmate au! Like the first, this one will be pretty long, so buckle up! I actually had to split it into two parts because it got so long!

Thank you to @rubyredsparks and @words-bleed-on-my-tongue for betaing this!!

AO3

Soul Ink Masterlist

Summary: Thanksgiving break arrives and the boys go home for the week. Virgil faces a week alone with his parents, several hours away from the support of his soulmates. Will he be discovered, or make it through the break without his parents discovering his relationship?

Warnings: Physical Abuse, Toxic Parents, Abandonment, Disownment, Self-Hate, Angst, Food Mentions, Victim Blaming. I think I got them all, but as always, feel free to tell me if I missed any!

Words: Approximately 5k

Virgil’s parents were on their way to pick him up. He had packed the night before, remembering to pack enough hoodies for the week. It was Thanksgiving break. One whole week without his soulmates. Without writing to his soulmates. Hiding away his marks once more.

Virgil fidgeted in his seat and checked his phone for messages. He found nothing important, just a few notifications from Tumblr. Virgil glanced at Roman, who was working at his desk.

Virgil wasn’t sure what he would do. He’d had them for such a short time, but couldn’t bear the thought of going without them. He would be okay. He had to be okay. It was just a week, then he’d come back. He could still text them, still hear their voices over calls. The cold pit in Virgil’s stomach reminded him that it wasn’t the same. His parents couldn’t find out. Not about his soulmates.

“You okay, Verge?” Roman looked up from his papers, eyes concerned.

Virgil took a deep breath and nodded. He still hadn’t told them what it was like before he quit writing to them. They only knew bits and pieces, none of the bigger details. He tried, he really had, but he couldn’t. Virgil couldn’t expose that to them. If he did, they’d never let him go home to his parents. His soulmates would be right in their actions, but Virgil couldn’t just abandon his family.

“I’m just nervous,” Virgil admitted. “What if they find out?”

It would be horrible. Catastrophic.

Roman frowned, “You don’t have to go. You can come home with us.”

Virgil knew that, but he couldn’t make them take him in when they were going home to see their families. Their families who loved them, despite their multiple soulmates, and supported them. His soulmates deserved a peaceful break. They hadn’t visited home due to their heavy workloads. Virgil didn’t want them to spend their break hosting him. He’d be fine.

Selfish as it was, Virgil also didn’t want to meet their families. He knew he couldn’t face them yet. He had gotten lucky with Remy but doubted he would be with the rest of their families. Nothing guaranteed that their families would forgive him for what he had put his soulmates through.

“I’ll be okay,” Virgil promised. “I’ll call if I need help.”

Virgil wouldn’t. Guilt stirred in his stomach at the lie. He wasn’t going to make his soulmates drive all that way for him. That time was meant for their families, who hadn’t seen them since August. He got to see them daily, he could survive one week without them.

Roman smiled at Virgil, unaware of the lie. Roman got up from his desk and made his way over to Virgil’s. Sitting on Virgil’s desk, he reached out and caressed Virgil’s cheek.

“I’ll miss you,” Roman murmured.

Virgil’s cheeks flushed, “I’ll miss you too, Ro.”

Virgil’s phone rang and he checked the caller ID. His father was calling. He looked to Roman and stood from his chair. Virgil took a deep breath and answered the phone.

“Hello, Dad.”

“We’re almost there. Be ready for us, son.”

Virgil nodded, even though he knew his father couldn’t see.

“Of course. I’ll head down now.”

His father hung up without saying goodbye. Virgil wasn’t surprised. He slipped his phone into his pocket and grabbed his sweatshirt. He needed to wear it the entire time he was home. He stared at the dark fabric, remembering the years spent hiding behind it. As of late, he’d begun to go longer without it but still wore it often. Now, the sweatshirt was for comfort rather than hiding. Today would be the first in a while he wore it with the intentions of hiding.

“I’ll see you after break,” Virgil put on the jacket.

Virgil grabbed his bags and went out the door. As he walked out of the building to the parking lot, the dread in his stomach grew until it was all he could feel. He saw his father’s car and walked to it. He opened the back door and climbed in wordlessly.

His mother turned around in the passenger seat. She flashed him a smile and reached back to squeeze his hand.

“How’re your classes going so far, honey?” she asked.

“They’re good. A bit harder than high school, but I study a lot,” he replied.

His father snorted at that, “You should be studying all the time. Are you partying?”

“No, sir” Virgil answered.

“Have you made any friends?” his mother asked.

Virgil felt a bit overwhelmed by them grilling him. He knew what they were looking for; a sign that he’d messed up.

“A few. My roommate helped,” he answered.

He wasn’t going to mention dating anyone. He knew better than that. If they questioned his room situation, he could say he wears long sleeve shirts to bed. This was true until he started dating his soulmates and occasionally borrowing their clothes when it was too hot for long sleeves.

His parents shared a glance as they pulled out of the parking lot and onto the road.

“Any incidences?” his mother asked.

She meant if anyone had seen the writing on his arms. He couldn’t tell the truth, as much as he hated lying. He just had to get through a week, nothing more.

“None.”

His parents smiled and his father looked at him through the rearview mirror. Virgil met the look and noticed the pleased gleam in his father’s eyes. Relief washed over him as he realized he fooled them. Maybe he could survive break without them finding out.

~

By Thanksgiving, he’d made it halfway through break without his parents finding out. He woke up in the morning and scribbled a morning greeting to his soulmates. He smiled at his arms as replies came. Virgil couldn’t help the happiness that bubbled within him. It’d been so long since he wrote to them from within his home.

Virgil shook his head and put on his sweatshirt. He couldn’t let his parents find out about his relationship with his soulmates. Wearing the sweatshirt was normal for him, they wouldn’t think anything of it. He put on a clean pair of jeans and went down the stairs to help his mother cook the family meal.

“Morning Virgil,” his mother greeted from the breakfast counter.

He rubbed his wrists, “Morning, Mom.”

“Are we going to have any problems today?” his father asked as he entered the room.

“No,” Virgil replied.

He felt his forearms tingling as the other three wrote. Virgil couldn’t believe he used to shut it out. Now the urge to look and reply gnawed at him.

“We haven’t checked in a while,” his father reminded him.

Virgil’s blood ran cold. He looked up at his father, doing his best to mask his fear. He needed to appear calm. He could talk them out of checking until he could wash away his marks, without harming himself. It would be alright.

Virgil cleared his throat, “I haven’t had an incident. I left that behind. It wasn’t natural.”

The words felt wrong coming out of his mouth. They weren’t true and didn’t sound remotely convincing to him, so he knew his parents wouldn’t buy it.

“You wrote to them.”

His mother sounded so disappointed. Virgil wrapped his arms around himself and faced his parents.

“Actually, I met them,” he confessed. “And they’re wonderful, not freakish.”

It felt good to tell them, no matter how much his mind screamed that it was bad. He felt lighter, despite the danger. He didn’t have to lie anymore. He was so tired of lying. He met his parents’ eyes and saw nothing but rage. He expected as much, but it stung.

His father stepped forward and stood before Virgil. Virgil knew what was coming, but it didn’t stop his shock as his father slapped him. Virgil cried out and stumbled back into the table.

“You go back. Today. Do not come home until you’ve moved past this.”

Virgil ran upstairs to get his bags, wasting no time. In his room, he shoved his things into his bags, forcing himself not to cry. He couldn’t afford to cry in front of them. It would get worse if he did. Once he was in his dorm, he would be safe to cry.

He slung his tech bag over his shoulder and picked up his duffle. With one last glance around, he exited the room and went out to the car. He loaded the trunk and got into the back. His father, already in the car, started the car and pulled out of the driveway. Neither spoke.

At the train station, Virgil’s father stayed in the car as Virgil got out and grabbed his bags. Virgil closed the trunk and stepped away from the car. His father took off without saying a word. Virgil hadn’t expected him too, despite the stinging in his chest.

It was official. He was on his own. He couldn’t go home.

Virgil rubbed his eyes on his sleeve as tears threatened to fall and picked up his duffle from the ground. He wasn’t going to cry. He had easily four hours of travel left, then he could cry. He just needed to hold it together long enough to get to the safety of his dorm.

Virgil looked at the train platform. It was empty, which wasn’t much of a surprise to him. It was Thanksgiving, so most people were home with their families, not that many people in his town used the trains. He took it as a blessing, he couldn’t deal with large groups right now.

“It’s okay . . .” Virgil mumbled to himself. “It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.”

The pain and anxiety building in his chest told him otherwise. It wasn’t okay. He wasn’t okay.

He walked onto the platform and purchased a ticket from the teller machine. After fumbling with his card, he entered his pin and collected the ticket from the bottom of the machine. With a sigh, he shoved it into his wallet and walked over to a bench on the platform. He needed to check the schedule.

“Please let there be one . . .”

The purple haired boy took out his phone and looked up the schedule for the train. There was a train going to his school due to arrive in half an hour. Virgil sighed in relief. He wasn’t going to be stuck at the station all day. The sooner he got back to his dorm the better.

While he waited, Virgil scrolled through Tumblr and aimlessly reblogged posts. Most of his dash was aesthetic posts, so it didn’t matter if he paid much attention to the posts.

Virgil wanted nothing more than to curl up with Patton, snuggling into the shorter boy until he felt better. He wanted Roman to hold him until he didn’t think he’d break down crying. He wanted Logan to reassure him that things would work out, that although they were an oddity, they were natural, not wrong.

He couldn’t have those things though. His soulmates were home and they would never know he got kicked out. Virgil would figure out what to do. If he cut back on study time, he could get a job on campus. He already cut back on studying time to spend time with his soulmates . . . There wasn’t much he could do without it looking like he was trying to cut them out again.

Virgil turned off his phone and put it away, losing interest in Tumblr. Without his phone out, there was nothing to do but sit and wait for the train to come in. He stared in the direction the train would come from, praying that it would come soon.

~

Virgil stuffed his duffle into the overhead and took his seat. He clutched his backpack to his chest and curled around it. He wiped away tears angrily. Crying in public was not something Virgil was going to do. It didn’t matter that this car was empty other than him. He needed to hold it together.

The break wasn’t over, but he was already on his way back to campus. This was it. He messed up so badly his parents didn’t want to put up with him anymore. His father hadn’t even said goodbye!

Virgil couldn’t even last a week without writing his soulmates! Pathetic! No wonder his parents kicked him out!

Virgil curled around the bag tighter, trying to warm the cold pit in his stomach. His chest ached as the train rocked, reminding him of where he was. Virgil knew his parents were wrong for kicking him out, but he still felt like he deserved it.

How could he be such a horrible son?

They didn’t want him near his soulmates, yet he pursued a relationship with his soulmates regardless. He took a shaky breath and stared out the window of the train. His mind drifted to his soulmates as he watched the scenery fly by. They’d be so upset about what happened. Virgil couldn’t let them find out and blame themselves.

It was his fault. Not theirs. Not his parents.

“Sir, ticket please?”

Virgil snapped out of his thoughts and his face reddened from embarrassment. He hadn’t heard anyone enter the car. Had they been there the entire time? Watching and judging him for being such a freak. Virgil produced the ticket and gave it to the worker, who punched a hole through it and returned it.

Waiting until the worker left, Virgil returned to staring out the window. It was just another person who thought of him as a freak. And this time, his marks were nowhere in sight! Maybe it wasn’t the marks, but him, that was wrong. It had already been proven that Patton, Logan, and Roman were accepted and loved by their families for who they were. He wasn’t. The problem was him.

His stomach coiled at the realization. No wonder his parents kicked him out. He should be thankful they put up with him for so many years. They could have dumped him on the streets long before now. At least now, he had a place to turn to for another few weeks. When the semester ended . . .

Virgil didn’t know where he would turn.

His hand wandered to his cheek, which throbbed painfully. He flinched at the memory of his father hitting him. It wasn’t the first time, but it was the hardest.

Part of Virgil screamed for him to grab his phone and call his soulmates. His heart ached and all he wanted was for them to hold him and tell him he would be okay. Virgil resisted the urge and pulled his jacket’s hood up, shielding his face. He wanted to disappear. For everything to stop hurting so much.

Virgil wasn’t sure when he fell asleep, but soon enough he was hearing the university’s name being called over the intercom. He snapped awake and grabbed his bags. They were approaching the school’s station and he needed to get off. He shook off the bad feeling in his stomach. It was a bit better than before he fell asleep, but just barely. He still wanted to curl up and cry. When he stood from his seat, his legs shook and he had to force himself to stand correctly.

Virgil was the only one to get off at his university’s station. A few kids got on, but Virgil tried to ignore that. He hiked up his duffle on his shoulder and started the walk back to his dorm. It was about a half a mile from the station to his dorm, not too bad. He had classes on campus farther away than this.

As he walked, he took out his phone and plugged in his headphones. Virgil didn’t trust himself to not cry unless he had something to take his mind off what happened. As he walked, he spotted a few other students walking around the campus, though not nearly as many as when classes were in session.

By the time he reached his building, his legs were tired. He hadn’t realized how heavy his duffle was until he had to walk around carrying it. He used his ID to unlock the door and stepped inside.

“Hey, Virgil! Back already?” his RA called out as he passed the RA office.

Virgil flinched at the greeting and turned around, “Yeah . . . I needed to study. Library’s open right, Valerie?”

The brunette nodded, “Yep!” Her eyes widened as she looked at his face, “Are you okay? Did something happen?”

Virgil raised his hand to his cheek, where his father smacked it. He flinched in pain as his fingers grazed across his skin. His father must have left a bruise. Virgil shook his head and adjusted his grip on his duffle.

“I’m okay,” Virgil assured.

Virgil wouldn’t tell her anything. He knew RAs had to report certain things and he couldn’t risk his soulmates finding out, especially since Valerie was friends with Patton. Valerie didn’t look convinced he was okay. She might report it or call Patton . . . Virgil had to think of something quick.

“Just some small trouble at the station, I’m okay,” he said. “I’m going to go unpack. See you around?”

With that, Virgil took off down the hall before Valerie could stop him. The farther away he got, the harder it was for him to hold back his tears. Virgil was tired. He ran up the stairs to his dorm and almost cried in relief when he got to his hallway. He walked down to the door with a Jack Skellington skull and a crown on the door, with Virgil and Roman’s names written on them respectively.

He unlocked the door and stepped in, before slamming the door shut.

In his room, he threw his bags and phone onto the floor and sat down on his bed. Virgil refused to call his soulmates. He was fine. He’d make it through the next few days without them. Virgil curled up in his bed and forced himself not to cry. His parents kicked him out on Thanksgiving! He couldn’t go home!

Virgil bit his lip to stop a wail from escaping, tears freely flowing now. His shoulders shook and moved one hand to cover his mouth. He could hear his phone going off, but refused to move to get it. From the Winnie the Pooh ringtone, he knew it was Patton and he couldn’t answer the phone crying. Patton would tell the others and they’d come instead of spending their vacation with their families.

The ringing stopped and he heard his phone ding. Patton left a voicemail. Virgil would listen later. He wiped his eyes with his sleeve and let out a long sigh. He wished he took Roman’s offer of going to his house for Thanksgiving break, but he wasn’t ready to face their families. The three forgave them, but nothing guaranteed their families would forgive him for abandoning their boys.

He wasn’t sure how long ago Patton called, but his phone went off again. This time, the tone was Mozart. Logan. Perhaps, they just wanted to wish him a good day? His home was four hours from the school and five from their hometown. They had no idea he was so close. Again, he didn’t answer.

No message was left, but immediately after Logan called, a Mary Poppins tone played on his phone. Roman. No one wrote yet. They knew he wouldn’t look at home.

Virgil covered his ears and ignored the sounds from his phone. He wasn’t going to ruin their day. He’d call them later and say he was tied up with his family. He could claim he was helping his mother with dinner. The thought of his mother made him start to cry again. He let out a sob and his barrier broke, unleashing sob after sob on Virgil.

~

By the time he’d cried himself dry, it was night time. He looked to Roman’s alarm clock to see it was ten at night. He’d cried all afternoon and most of the evening. He didn’t feel remotely hungry but knew he should eat something. Logan wouldn’t be happy to find out he’d skipped a meal.

Virgil looked to his bag and fished out his phone and wallet. He didn’t feel like cooking. Pizza would do if the shop near campus was open.

He opened his phone to order and saw the messages left by his three soulmates. They’d texted and called him multiple times. By now, they had to be worried out of their minds.  Guilt gnawed at his stomach. He should call them soon.

He felt the familiar tingle on his right arm and lifted his sleeve to see writing from all three of his soulmates.

“You okay, Vee?” in light blue. Patton.

“Please answer,” red. Roman.

Dark blue, “Please inform us if you need help.” Logan.

Each followed by a heart in their respective colors. He grabbed a pen off his desk and scribbled a reply.

“I’m fine. I haven’t checked my phone all day. I’m sorry.”

It wasn’t a lie technically. He hadn’t checked his phone. He made it seem like everything was going okay when it wasn’t. That part was a lie, but they didn’t need to know.

He ordered pizza online and paid with his card. He sat down at his desk and started to go through the messages his soulmates left. He started with Patton’s voice mail.

“Hey, Virge! I wanted to make sure your day was going well! Mom and Ma made a cherry cobbler and are sending me back with one at the end of break! You’ll love it! Hope you’re having a good day! Call me when you can. Love you!”

Virgil smiled at Patton’s antics and moved on to the next message. He didn’t hear the calls that led to any of the other voicemails. Had he cried that hard?

His arm tingled and he looked down.

“I am glad to hear you are well, Love. Call us on my phone, in ten?” dark blue.

Virgil put a checkmark by the question. His phone rang and he went out for his pizza. He gave the driver their tip and went back inside. He sat down at his desk and put the pizza box on his desk.

When the time came to call, Virgil nervously dialed Logan’s number. It rang once before he answered. Virgil knew that couldn’t be a good sign.

“Salutations, Virgil. You’re on speaker.”

Patton and Roman chorused their own greetings. Virgil felt relief rush through him as he heard their voices.

“Hey, guys. How’re things over there?”

He opened his pizza box and grabbed a slice. He ate slowly as Patton recounted his day and told him about how excited his younger brother, Thomas, was that the three were home. Roman mentioned how his Uncle Emile ended up torching the turkey, forcing the Picani-Prince family to get take-out for dinner instead. From Roman’s amused tone, it wasn’t the first time. Logan informed Virgil he spent the day with his mother and his extended family. At his turn, his swallowed thickly.

“I had dinner with my parents. I think I’m heading back to campus tomorrow . . .”

“Why? What happened?” Patton asked.

“Nothing, Patty. They said I need to study and the library will be empty. Don’t worry,” he answered a bit too quickly. “They’ve always been like that.”

He knew he spoke too soon. The silence on the other end of the line didn’t help his nerves. It was too quiet. They knew something was up.

“Vee, where are you now?” Roman asked, voice level and calm, but Virgil knew Roman was upset. “Be honest. We won’t be mad.”

Virgil was silent, trying to even out his breathing. He set down the pizza in his hand and gripped his sleeves.

“A-at the dorm . . .”

“Oh Virgil,” Patton whimpered. “Do you want us to come to get you?”

Virgil shook his head, despite the knowledge his soulmates couldn’t see it, “No, I’m okay.”

If Virgil could tell how miserable he sounded, he doubted his soulmates missed it.

“We’ll be there in an hour,” Roman promised.

Virgil felt grateful, yet guilty. He ruined their vacation. Now they had to drive back to school to get him. All because he couldn’t hold himself together for one conversation. At the same time, they were willing to and didn’t want him to spend the rest of break alone.

“Thank you . . .”

Virgil returned to his pizza. He picked at it more than he ate, unable to force himself to eat. He barely noticed as the hour flew by and Roman opened their shared dorm. He only noticed their arrival when Patton slammed into him with a hug. He melted into the hug and allowed himself to cry.

“Shhhh, Love. It’s alright,” Patton hugged him tighter.

Roman and Logan joined the embrace moments later. Virgil lifted his arms and did his best to cling to all three. He rested his head on Patton’s shoulder and cried as his soulmates did their best to comfort him. Patton rubbed circles into his back and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. Roman held onto them all while he quietly sang. Although Logan wasn’t the best with his emotions, he held Virgil and murmured reassurances to him. Virgil wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, but no one moved until he’d calmed down.

“Baby, what happened to your face?” Roman asked.

Roman gently cupped Virgil’s cheek and examined it. Virgil didn’t speak. His stomach twisted in knots. He knew they’d figure it out.

“Virgil . . .” Patton mumbled.

Logan’s voice shook with rage, “They did it, didn’t they?”

Virgil let go of them and looked to the floor. He didn’t want to voice it. He felt dirty saying it. The other three still sat near him but gave him space. Virgil looked up at Logan and opened his mouth to speak. Instead of words, a sob forced its way out.

Logan reached forward and took Virgil into his arms. He held firm as his final soulmate broke down, once more in tears. Virgil couldn’t hold back anymore. He was so tired. Logan held him until he’d cried himself out.

“I’m sorry, dear,” Logan murmured. “Come home with us. You don’t deserve to stay here alone.”

As Logan comforted him, Patton slipped out of the room to fill Roman’s water filter. Patton returned and filled a cup from Roman’s drawer, before offering it to Virgil. Virgil accepted it with shaky hands. Patton placed his hand on Virgil’s and guided the cup to Virgil’s lips.

“You need to stay hydrated, baby,” Patton murmured. “We’ve got you.”

Virgil smiled behind the cup pressed to his lips. He drank the water and allowed Patton to pull the cup away.

“Thanks,” Virgil whispered.

Patton smiled and kissed him on the cheek. Virgil smiled back. He looked to Roman, his third soulmate sat quietly with a dark look in his eyes. Virgil’s smile faded and he tried to imagine what Roman was thinking.

Before Virgil could question it, Roman stood from his place and stretched. He grabbed his keys from his desk and looked to his soulmates.

“We should head back.”

They left the dorms shortly after Roman spoke. Roman carried Virgil’s bags and Patton brought the mostly uneaten pizza along, wanting Virgil to attempt to eat more. They drove to Roman’s house, where the trio had been spending the night. Virgil stared out the window, unable to force himself into their conversation.

Virgil realized that now he’d meet their families. He felt sick. He couldn’t do this. Not after today with his own family. He couldn’t take any more rejection. If their families hated him, he would lose his soulmates. He’d have no one. He’d have to beg his parents to take him back. And after that, spend a lifetime alone knowing his soulmates were better without him.

When they pulled into the driveway of Roman’s house, the lights of the house were still on. From what Virgil knew about Roman’s family, it consisted of his uncle and coffee-addict cousin, Remy. Virgil figured it was Remy who was still up. Virgil spotted a figure in the house’s window and guessed it was him. The older student was odd, but he didn’t seem to hate him so it might be okay. If Virgil was honest, Remy was the only reason he was here now.

Roman led him inside as the other two carried his stuff. Roman took him up the stairs, into a bedroom and sat him down on the bed. Virgil allowed Roman to wrap him up in blankets and settle down next to him. Virgil didn’t want to talk about what happened. It seemed to be understood as Logan and Patton climbed into bed with them and kissed their cheeks good night.

Patton snuggled into Virgil from his spot between Logan and Virgil.

“Love you, Vee,” Patton murmured.

“I love you too,” Virgil couldn’t stop the smile that grew on his face.

Virgil didn’t realize how much he needed to hear those words. He knew how his soulmates felt about him, but he liked hearing it. Virgil was still afraid of meeting their families and how that would change their relationship, though, the reassurance helped him forget. For now.

Roman yawned, “Are we showering our dark prince in affection?”

His words were slow, likely from how tired he was. Roman kissed Virgil’s bruised cheek and nestled his face into Virgil’s soft hair.

Logan reached across Patton to place a hand on Virgil’s shoulder.

“It is good to have you with us,” Logan told him.

“Thank you, Lo,” Virgil smiled at him.

No one slept right away. Virgil laid awake in Roman’s arms, trying to block out the day’s events. He met Logan’s eyes from where Logan laid on the edge of the bed. His soulmate’s eyes drooping as he fell asleep. Logan offered him a small smile before he drifted off.

nonbinary — ever hear people say CAIN ROMANOV looks a lot like BILL SKARSGARD? I think HE/THEY is about 24, so it doesn’t really work. The ANTIQUE BOOKSHOP OWNER has lived in Livingstone for TWENTY-FOUR YEARS. They can be RIGHTEOUS, but they can also be EVASIVE. I think CAIN might be A SHEEP. ( snot goblin. 20. EST. she/they. ) 

hi hello ... decided 2 bring in my son ... my soft boy ... my light ... some of u may know him from watershed but ! here he is again ! forced upon u all. please love him as i’m very fragile. ** i’ve changed parts of his bio so !! if u think u knew all the deetz ,,, but please be warned that it’s PRETTY HEAVY STUFF !!

pleathe LIKE this to PLOT and i promise i will not abandon u all like the other times usfdg

TW: CULT LIFE, HEROIN USAGE / ADDICTION, DRUG ADDICTION / USE / ABUSE, EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION, ABUSE, MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES ( PTSD, ANXIETY ). if i forgot anything PLEASE tell me !!

a e s t h e t i c s

dangling limbs from tree branches, yellowed book pages, opened bottles of vintage wine, oversized sweaters and deep under eyes, bleached denim, worn leather gloves, cat hair against black cloth, fields of wheat, broken windows, descending staircases, tight-lipped smiles during public appearances, golden skies, light spilling from windows, stumbling over one’s own words, wire-framed beds, linens, wool scarves, making the wrong decisions; running, from others and yourself.

general information !!

full name: cain alexei romanov

nickname(s): cock and ball torture, N/A

b.o.d. - feb 19th, fuckin pisces

label(s): the fallen, the phoenix, the crestfallen, etc. etc.

height: 6′4″ jfc

hometown: livingstone, VT babey !!

sexuality: bi…? bi. yes. bi.

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biography !!

the eldest to vermont senator vaughn romanov and philanthropist adelaide romanov - they were born into a life of privilege in a very prominent family. they’re the eldest of five. 

with this background in mind - cain was taught to be the perfect citizen, the golden child, the all american ( willfully ignoring the fact that his father came from russian immigrants ) son. they were obedient, always staying within line.

several expectations for them included joining clubs at school such as model UN, debate, DECA, etc., sports (soccer, track, basketball, lacrosse - all throughout the years), student government (class president for at least one year), and maintaining a GPA status valedictorian-worthy.

was made to volunteer on the weekends at homeless shelters and food banks - to show the community how much of a gem he was, a darling - a perfect member of society.

his eagerness to impress pleased his parents and thus, he never had a problem with them. life was good for them. they attended church on sundays, sometimes wednesdays, did everything as a family. dinners and christmas photoshoots and new years eve parties, easter egg hunts and family reunions.

lived northside, not on the beach but close enough to it - a big fancy, seven bedroom, eight bath, two fireplaces and an expansive dining room - no pool, but a sturdy treehouse made by scratch.

his ~model citizen~ persona was just that - a persona, a charade. in the community and his family, cain was a hardworking citizen who upheld standards to follow. to classmates - from elementary school all the way to college - cain was the worst.

they were arrogant, harrowing, an outright bully who tore down others when he felt like it, often unprovoked - they were the senator’s son, and  a rich one at that - rules never applied to him because of his father and their family’s presence in the community. tattlers faced more consequences than cain ever did.

was the sort of person who’d genuinely look down at somebody if they had less than him. a narcissistic dickhead who cared about two or three people, tops, outside of his family. he was never physically violent, nor did he raise his voice - but that was what’s made it worse. cain spewed his classist bullshit with ease.

his best friends since childhood have been brooks hunter and michael green - a very troublesome trio based on their mutual love for power highs.

only redeeming quality back then was probably their protectiveness over his siblings - wasn’t the best person, but family was family.

went into political science + business to please their father, mainly - everything they’d been taught growing up was essentially to build them into a perfect little presidential candidate.

probably joined a frat though didn’t participate in parties too often - known for keeping his composition even when others resorted to violence, because he never liked to leave a bad press image. this attitude was the same when it came to parties and other ... taboo subjects,

sometime during college, two important things happened.

the first one was that he became a middleman / broker / whatever you’d like to call it. wasn’t producing product, but wasn’t dealing it. was the middleman, the connection between producers and dealers. it was for fun - never for profit. very hush-hush.

the second is that he met earl and may meyers. they were fellow volunteers at a thanksgiving food drive, and the older couple were immediately drawn to cain  - and him to them, essentially. to this day he can’t tell you what about them had been so appealing. just, the air around them was something else entirely. some would probably call it unhinged, some would call it comforting. they were kind folks, very down to earth, very religious and warmhearted. they liked his name being cain a whole lot; told him that he reminded him of their late son.

it was the beginning of his senior year in college for cain - a few years after he’d gotten started in the drug business - the couple volunteered more and more at the same places that cain would, the same times, almost as if they were learning his schedule. in retrospect, it was odd, but cain had never thought to suspect the elderly of anything ... deceiving. kept talking to them and it became a genuine friendship.

a few months into it, the couple started talking about the sin of wealth - god choosing only a select few when he cleanses the earth - only the worthiest souls - eventually they’d gotten into the rhythm of claiming cain was special. they could see he would be selected - see it in his aura, in their dreams - god personally speaking to to them, etc. etc.

it was ... oddly appealing to cain - like, maybe i am being constrained by capitalism and disappointing god - even though it had felt nearly ridiculous - it seeped into his mind.

this was essentially the result of emotional manipulation over a period of time - cain unsuspecting, unwilling to believe that he could be manipulated - always so sure in himself.

earl and may told him that they were going to leave livingstone - that there were so many more who had the same ideals as them, that it was time to join them - that it was time to prepare. cain held off from it, at first - having just graduated.

he had so much in livingstone - loyal companions and a close-knit family, a blooming side-business and a long-term girlfriend and an engagement ring burning in his pocket. he was still the same boy - cruel without cause. but he’d found himself surrounded by others, anyway.

within a month of newfound freedom - cain had a change of heart. the third most important event in his life had happened.

it was an average day - june, hot enough that sweat stuck to your skin, but not hot enough that you weren’t glad for it. a family bbq the entire day - relatives from all around - cain had been cleaning up with his mother when, out of nowhere, she had broken down in sobs.

essentially - after a long ... discussion, cain learned that they were not his father’s son.

in a fit of petty anger towards the beginning of their marriage, adelaide had cheated on vaughn. the result was cain.

it was the sort of news that breaks a person. his entire life - he idolized his parents, done everything they’d ever expect of him - let them mold him into whatever they pleased. to find out that his mother - a woman who, he had previously believed, could never tell a lie in her life - was a liar, and that his father - the man he looked up to most as a child - didn’t share the same blood as him.

cain unraveled. that week. several altercations, both sober and drunk - landing in county jail overnight - only to disappear without notice on june 21st, 2018.

it was treated as a missing persons’ case, the first week or so - until it had been determined that cain left on his own accord, then it was dropped much to the dismay of his family.

BEGINNING OF CULT / DRUG / MOST OF THE TRIGGER WARNINGS

only earl and may knew where cain went - because they had left together, cain’s last minute decision. cain’s mistake. the fourth most important thing to happen to him.

only hours away from livingstone - on the border between new york and vermont and not nearly far away as cain would had liked - was the cult’s location. they wore white linens and cotton - never mixed, and technology had been abandoned. prayers and daily chores.

it felt ... natural, at first - for the first three months - it was grand, in the beginning, peaceful, mind-clearing. they treated him differently - as if he were something special, as if his birth was a gift - a sign from the heavens above. cain come to undo his past’s damage. a leader, perhaps. the longer he stayed - the more apparent it became that he wasn’t who they had long waited for.

once they began slipping up - the members became displeased with him and punishments occurred - sometimes once a week, sometimes multiple. the memories are suppressed, for the most part - but they can’t forget the hands. pulling, and tugging, and gripping, and begging - asking him to repent, please, repent - head held underwater, counting seconds until his vision goes out - pulled out gasping and sobbing. it repeats in their mind - each day blurring into one another.

once he started reacting violently - they found ways to subdue him.

heroin intake - little by little, everyday - enough to leave him in a high he wouldn’t remember - enough to burn a hole through his memory.

with memories becoming dimmer each day - cain managed to sneak paper and pencil into his ~living arrangement~ and he wrote everyday - wrote as much as he could remember about livingstone, about his family, about his life before. sometimes he couldn’t remember what he’d written previously.

when these were found - it had been the final straw. they had dragged him, kicking and screaming and mind-numbingly high into place - a twisted reenactment / retelling of the mark of cain and a brand of the mark burnt permanently into his skin right above his heart - forehead not an option due to difficulties fully subduing cain (he bit them).

left to die in the middle of woods afterwards, with nothing but his writing and the clothes on his back - cain shouldn’t had had the strength to go on - but they did. they didn’t know what day it was - really, what year it was - but cain got up and cain ran. and cain, obviously, survived.

it was pure luck that cain had run into a truck driver who wasn’t doubling as a murderer - one who took him to the hospital - who essentially, gave cain another chance to live. cain was found on june 21st, 2019.

END OF CULT / DRUG / MOST OF THE TRIGGER WARNINGS. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. STILL MENTIONS OF TRAUMA / MENTAL HEALTH / RECOVERY / ADDICTION BEYOND THIS POINT.

immediately reunited by his family - everything went very fast. he couldn’t recognize his youngest sibling, but couldn’t remember why he’d left in the first place. couldn’t remember the name of his girlfriend, but the color of her hair and the way she smelled.

put into therapy and recovery for their addiction - vaughn romanov makes his announcement that he’s running for the 2020 election the day after cain is found and brought home. they’re not expected to be alright within a few weeks of therapy - but cain feels restrained, in a way - confined to the role he’d always had to play. expected to up, and continue with life as if he hadn’t endured an extremely traumatizing year.

is essentially forced to stay in livingstone for the time being - but cain has taken a few things into his own hands. they’ll go to therapy, work on their recovery - but, having no further interest in what he’d gotten a degree in - has decidedly bought himself an antique bookshop off of the owner looking to retire, and has taken shelter in the apartment above it.

with their four cats, of course. his parents agreed - purely to give him the space to recover whilst keeping him close to them. if only he hadn’t found recovery to be most helpful in the form of pills - his old business now turned into a way for him to get what he believes will make him better.

personality !!

to clarify - cain is no longer the douchebag they once were. kind of .. learned to be a better person with his entire experience - mostly a lot of self-blaming that boils down to karma and deserving what happened to him.

he’d always been a pretty ... quiet, person - even with the massive ego - but now, cain’s ... quieter. kinder, if not a little sarcastic. distant and not much for parties - that never changed - but it’s more of a ... restrictive, distance, than one of comfort.

smokes weed but rarely drinks - as if it’d make a difference with the pills addiction he’s using to battle his heroin one. 

like mentioned - they’ve got four cats. that’s their personality. had two of ‘em before he’d disappeared, and just got the other two probably ... yesterday, tbh. they’re named frank (big chungus when yelled - white and gray), brock (orange. fluffy. stoic. devours food.), shoelace (black-furred and missing an eye), and crunchwrap supreme (crunch for short, calico with bent ears).

probably has photos of their cats in his wallet.

parents help pay for the cost of owning the bookshop - though cain’s expected to fully take on the financial responsibility when he’s ‘well again’.

their memory is fucked. forgets a lot of things - short term, long term, it’s a struggle. managed to keep the notes they used to take back at the cult - so it helps, but not always. forgets dates, faces, names, events. he wakes up sometimes and doesn’t know where they are. 

they don’t sleep a lot, regardless - night terrors came with his trauma, and in an attempt to avoid ‘em, they don’t really ... sleep. only a few hours each night because it gets so bad.

cain suffers from severe touch aversion. skin-to-skin contact of any sort is enough to send them into an intense panic attack. they wear leather gloves more often than not, in an attempt to combat it without hindering them too much. not the biggest fan of body contact in general, even with clothes - but it won’t send him into a panic like bare skin will. makes it obvious from the get-go that he doesn’t like physical contact if somebody gets too close.

also dealing with ptsd and attends therapy every week - therapist recommended he kept writing after looking at his notes - so he does, keeps an entire journal where they write and like ... sketch a little, because it helps them cope. means more to them than it would seem.

they’re pretty blunt. won’t go out of their way to announce that they joined a cult, hence the disappearance - but won’t lie about their disappearance if the topic comes to it. cain doesn’t like delusions, doesn’t like secrets - doesn’t like unnecessary attention, either. 

being said uh ... cain sort of hates the new division ? anything that resembles a cult, he instantly hates. hates the watershed app too.

being in town keeps cain anxious, because they’re aware they’ve wronged a good amount of people - but it’s hard to remember who, and what, and when, and why - and it’s just. an entire ordeal of figuring out how to ... redeem himself to multiple people.

screwed over a lot of people when they left ! from their plugs / customers to their ex-girlfriend who they are, undeniably, still in love with - you can’t forget that feeling - to his friends.

isn’t ... aware that michael is in prison. isn’t aware that kieran is dead. hasn’t been told yet.

is high often ! says it’s just weed but ... it’s not !

hates cars and swimming and crowds - hates feeling trapped and will avoid it when possible. doesn’t want to be seen as unsociable, but it’s difficult.

climbs trees when overwhelmed and needs a space to think - has a tall tree right outside of the window of his apartment, on the side opposite of the street if that makes sense ?? can be found there often. like - won’t leave a conversation to go climbin’ but. y’know.

feels the need to redeem themself to ... everybody, really. wants to avoid conflict and wants to be a better person - they’re trying really hard but not everybody believes them.

really .. wouldn’t be surprised if people from livingstone were suspicious of cain, for whatever reason - they don’t have the best track record anymore !

 they’ve got a stutter that developed as a result of the trauma - their voice is damaged from screaming a lot. working on being less self-conscious about it, thinks there’s more important things to worry about. in general cain looks ... gaunt, too thin, generally unhealthy.

they can still definitely hold a conversation, and like i said they’re pretty…lowkey. soft, sort of. generally a quiet person and while they’re not the most social, they won’t be a direct asshole or anything. likes people! just…has low energy.

goes by he/they, doesn’t really care which one as he alternates pretty frequently.

very happy with being the owner of a bookshop - especially antique. feels more genuine than political science or whatever.

got really into the investigation of the cult he was part of - they got uncovered and arrested due to cain’s escape but there’s still branches out there - you could call him obsessed. willing to stick his nose where he shouldn’t, even though he really ... really shouldn’t.

wanted connections !!

so first and foremost - people who he’s grown up with his entire life. people he’s just. wronged. people who idolized him - people who envied him, who despised him, etc. etc.

would love ! a good amount of antagonistic connections because it fits the bill.

exes he’s dumped, old hookups, ex-friends, people he got into an argument with / fought before he disappeared last year.

ex-gf would be gr8 ! thanks ! will be holding american-idol-esque auditions.

any prominent families in livingstone that his family would know. family friends - family rivals. his siblings.

people he’s trying to redeem himself to - trying to prove his worth, that he’s better now. y’know.

old clients that he left in the dust !

people from his frat - people he used to go to the occasional party with.

people angry at cain, still. just. so mad. pissed completely.

some good ol’ reconnecting / reconciliation plots ! i’m a slut for slowburn friendships. enemies to friends.

people he used 2 bully.

wholesome shit, angst shit. i said slowburns but i love them. friends to enemies. enemies to bigger enemies. anything.

no. hookups. please. only previous encounters. nothing in the present. for obvious reasons.

except MAYBE sexual tension but the kind that hurts. maybe a fun, casual sexting thing. they’ve got needs too.

people who just hate his dad b/c politicians suck !

i imagine a lot of conversations between him n other people start out ... aggressive, because they’re mad at him. :/

people who are soft for them ?? people who are hard on him ?? make his life difficult but also uwu him.

i’ll rly take anything !! just like this so i can slither in !!

could you talk about bart and cindy? how his abuse affected her / her relationship with her family?

oH BOY CAN I!!!! buckle up kiddies it’s gonna be a bumpy ride!!!! (also i kinda stray in some parts but i was on a ROLL) also, fair warning, this is LONG

so, things start off rough right from the get go. as soon as cindy comes home with chris and cathy, bart is already enraged at the idea of cindy coming into their home. keeping in mind cindy is only two years old when she moves in with chris and cathy, one can argue she isn’t affected in the long term by things at this age, but i think logic and personal experience can say otherwise. despite her age, while she may not yet fully understand and comprehend the meaning of what bart says, she certainly understands and is affected by the tone he takes, as well as the facial expressions and other physical things that happen when bart is near cindy. she can tell, even at two years old, that this boy - this boy she grows up loving and admiring, and just wanting to please - wants nothing to do with her. 

‘“get her out of here!” he yelled, his face a red mask of anger. “take her away! put her in the grave with her mother! don’t want no sister’! i hate her, hate her!” […] then, while mom stood on looking too shocked even to breathe, dad reached to control bart, who jumped up to hit cindy! then cindy was crying[…]’

this is just on the first day. that scene alone is enough to make cindy aware of bart’s dislike of her, and to make her uncomfortable and weary around him. now, an awful lot of two year olds are at the age where they’re starting to talk and converse and understand what’s being said to them. and they remember an awful lot, for the first handful of years at the very least. cindy might not be able to fully understand and comprehend the words chris says right after sending bart to his room for this outburst, but cindy remembers bits of them until she is old enough to understand - not to mention the fact that bart most likely told cindy this at one point in time, knowing full well chris and cathy fought over adopting cindy. and this stays with cindy, always going the extra mile to make chris love her, to make sure she makes him proud. she’s always petting about him, and giving him some extra attention. logically, she knows chris loves her very much, especially after she’s been with them for a short period of time. but she can’t get it out of her head that he had said those words, that he had objected to wanting her, that she will always be trying harder than she has to with cathy.

‘[dad] gave my mother a chastising look. “now do you see why i objected to adopting cindy? you know as well as i that bart has always had a very jealous streak.”’

and speaking of cathy, cindy is competing against carrie and she doesn’t even know it. cathy is comparing cindy to carrie (as she later does with jory’s twins), and she goes her whole life feeling that something is missing from her. something that she can never quite put her finger on, but that this missing link is the key to having her mother’s complete love and adoration. the missing link is she’s not carrie - she’s nothing close to carrie. she resembles more of a younger carrie personality wise - cindy isn’t afraid to speak her mind and tell people what needs to be said - but she also knows when to be polite and not utter a word that will put her parents in dismay. she may resemble carrie as a toddler, but at the end of the day, cathy will still have to deal with the fact that cindy isn’t carrie, and carrie isn’t coming back. and bart, being the ever observant child that he is, no doubt eventually hears cathy mentioning the similarities of cindy to her beloved carrie, and will often rub it in cindy’s face whenever he gets the chance. and it stings all the more coming from bart.

‘“[…] as it is i have a little girl who seems so much like carrie to me.”’ -cathy

and then, when jory talks to cathy about bart’s nightmares, he let’s it be known that cathy is letting cindy take up too much of her time. cathy, who in the best of circumstances isn’t a very good mother, has been spending less time with her two (biological, mind you) kids, and spending more time (both mentally and physically) with cindy, or thinking about cindy, or trying to convince chris to adopt cindy. her spending less time with jory and bart is because of cindy, and this is something that bart especially holds against cindy. (i feel like jory would eventually let it go and come around, but he might also hold a little grudge against her, letting it affect their relationship for a number of years until he grows and matures more). 

‘[…] how could i tell her the truth? – that she was too taken up with cindy to pay attention to anyone else. and never, never should she give anyone more attention than bart. even me.’ -jory

bart, especially during his time where he was under the influence of malcolm, had ingrained it in his mind early on, while cindy was still only two, that she was a wicked, sinful girl. this here, especially from his influence with malcolm that stayed with him until christopher’s death, plays a huge part in how he not only looks and treats cindy, but all women (even cathy, during his darkest of times). during her entire life with chris and cathy, cindy is belittled and berated by part, he insinuates that she’s a slut and that all she wants is attention from any guy, even from other family members. this constant torment eventually leads to cindy sleeping with the vast majority of men she meets, even during her late teen years (which is just… no, i’ll talk about it but never write anything of the sort while she’s underage). she craves bart’s love and approval so badly that she lets these things get into her head, and she starts to believe them. and then she goes out to prove him right, and she also goes out to get that approval and love (just love in another form, cindy does not love bart more than a brother okay? okay) with anyone she meets. she only ever uses this self-destructive behavior with men. her relationships with women are always legit and healthy thank you very much. bart also blames cindy a lot for ruining his things, his life, his relationships. this first stems not only from his dislike of her, but because as a toddler she really would destroy his things - on accident, of course.

‘wicked little girl, that cindy. didn’t care who saw her naked. didn’t care who saw her sit on the potty. didn’t care about being decent or clean. took my toy cars and chewed on them.’ -bart

‘i could have slapped cindy when i heard her say silkily, “bart, darling, i was so sure you’d love this scarlet gown … since you think i’m a cheap, trashy thing, anyway, i’m just living up to your expectations – and playing the role you wrote for me.”’ -cathy

‘"have you forgotten all the nasty, mean things bart did to me? maybe i wasn’t locked up, starved or beaten, but i’ve had my problems, and don’t think i haven’t. bart makes me feel so unsure about my femininity that i have to test all the boys i meet … i just can’t help it.”’ -cindy

cindy later spends the vast majority of her childhood both afraid of bart, and trying to win over his love and affection. she knew something wasn’t right with him. she knew he was pretending to be a snake in the pool when he tried to drown her. now she was afraid of both bart and snakes, and for a while, she was afraid of water, too. she would wail and scream whenever she had to take a bath, and it took a lot of gentle coercing and love to get the deed done with. thankfully, after a while, she comes to realize she is safe with cathy, chris, jory, and emma around water and it comes to an end. but throughout her life, every time she looks into a pool, she sees in the reflection a young bart trying to drown a younger version of herself, and a quick flash of a current bart trying to drown her.

bart’s actions and attitude eventually started to bother not just everyone, but even cindy. while in bart’s presence, she found herself more often than not upset and in a bad temper. this started at a very young age, when she couldn’t help it as easily as she could in her teenage years. it made for hyped-up awkward family times together. this lasted up until after chris’ death, and as she got older, the more intense it got. at first it was just at mealtimes, and other times the family gathered together. then it on to become big events. all of christmas or thanksgiving, all of easter, graduations, etc.

‘it was a terribly awkward meal, with no one comfortable. appetites were small, and even cindy was cross.’ 

‘”no!” she’d shouted over the telephone, “i don’t care if he did send me an invitation! it’s just his way of showing off. he can put ten degrees behind his name and i still won’t admire or like him – not after all he did to me. explain to jory and melodie why, so their feelings won’t be hurt. but you won’t have to explain to bart. he’ll know.”’

cindy often fussed and worried over her looks. a part of her was just in her nature, and a part of it was because of the time bart decided to shear off golden locks while she was a child. for years, she would spend her time jumping at the sight of anything sharp, scissors, knives, broken pieces of glass or mirrors, etc. especially if they were in the hands of bart. even as an adult, she was extremely uncomfortable being around bart when such objects were near him. the event traumatized her in a way, and it led to her taking extra care of her hair as she entered her teenage years. for years, she would distrust any man with objects sharp enough to cut her golden curls of hair, even jory and chris, who she otherwise loved to make crafts with - a thing which because hard to do for nearly a year after the incident, because cindy would often run away and hide whenever the crafting scissors were in either of their hands.

‘all that pretty blonde hair that used to be cindy’s was blowing on the wind. […] now cindy’s hair looked like mine. stubby. short and ugly.’

cindy, as a very young child, becomes extremely untrusting of almost everyone around her. she trusts cathy and emma, in her own home, that’s all she can fully trust. she especially becomes untrusting of men, whether they’re children her own age or men in their 90′s. and not only is she untrusting. she grows up believing that people, especially men, will hurt her. this abusive behavior from bart might have something to do with cindy’s general dislike and lack of attention in males (aside from her using them in various ways), but really she’s very afraid of them and afraid they’re all going to hurt her like bart had hurt her over her lifetime. 

‘"look what [bart] did to cindy, a helpless child who trusts that no one will hurt her.”’ -cathy 

‘the pain in [bart’s] hard slap rocked cindy backward so that she sat down very hard on the second stair step. i heart the skirt of her red gown rip down the midback seam. […] tears came to [cindy’s] eyes.’ -cathy

‘playfully [bart] pinched [cindy’s] cheek. so playfully his pinch left a deep red indentation on her face. she squealed and kicked out. her high heel dug into his shin. he yelped and slapped her.’ -cathy

throughout the years, bart tried to ruin cindy’s relationships with the family, and even with emma. he was jealous of the amount of time everyone spent with cindy, was jealous that they would give cindy things, and he genuinely thought everyone loved cindy more than they loved him. (although i’m sure some did, let’s be real here). bart would lie, connive, scheme, and tell stories that shed someone in a negative light all in the hopes of changing their opinions of cindy, and to have cindy’s opinions change about the others. even as a child, after everything bart put her through, cindy knew enough to not trust bart or what he said. she took what he said with a grain of salt, and could only silently hope the others did as well. thankfully, despite his best efforts, cindy’s relationships with everyone stayed the same - flourished, even, because of the things bart said. he would even try and paint corrine in a negative light to little cindy, who had never even met corrine, just so he could have her memory, her love, to himself.

‘[[…]] cindy, who was sitting on jory’s lap and laughing as she played with some toy he’d given her. never gave me anything.’ -bart 

‘[[…]] “i hold no love at all for cindy. she’s done nothing but steal from me – and she isn’t even one of us.”’ -bart

bart’s actions had affected cindy so badly, that, despite cathy loving her with all her heart, it did get in the way of their relationship whenever bart was brought up or around. cindy knew full well that it hurt cathy that she wouldn’t have anything to do with bart the older she got, that she wouldn���t forgive him or forget everything that had happened long enough to have a good time when he was around. even with his absence, if his name was uttered, it was enough to set cindy off on a tyrant, and everyone knew it. she was the only one in the household who couldn’t - and wouldn’t - keep her mouth shut when it concerned bart. cindy knew it had to of hurt cathy (and chris), but she didn’t care enough to not say anything. and this reason here is why her relationship with cathy has a crack in it. cindy doesn’t care that cathy loves bart - on the contorary, she expects it from her. but she does care that cathy won’t accept her wishes to live a bart-free life. but it always hurt her when cathy took bart’s side, even when she knew she was in the wrong. and she would hold that against cathy for days at a time.

‘[[…]] it gave me additional pain to know that cindy couldn’t let go of her dislike of bart long enough to help him celebrate.’ -cathy 

‘"really, cindy, you can’t blame bart. this time you deserved a spanking.”’ -cathy

cindy uses her strong feelings against bart much to her advantage. she uses the rage that burns within her as strength to help propel herself forward. on top of her own pure ambition to achieve things, she uses the hatred to fuel her further, and she gets more accomplished than many others this way, much to everyone’s surprise. this is a habit she started (unknowingly, mind you) as a child, and during her early teenage years, when she realized what she was doing, she liked it and it’s advantages so well that she purposely kept at it. such is apparent after the dress fiasco at bart’s 25th birthday celebration.

‘"damn him to hell! i’ll show him! i’ll dance ten times better than melodie has ever danced! i’ll make every man at this party want me tonight, despite this deadly mousey gown you chose.”’ -cindy

sometimes, cindy couldn’t help but think bart had gotten to cathy, chris, jory, or emma about certain things. whenever the others criticized her or made any sort of comment on something that bart would often torment her about, a flash of horror and despair would wash over her, as she would convince herself for a few crucial moments that they were now taking bart’s side. no, not just taking bart’s side. that bart had been right all along. and that crushed her more than any of the others would ever know. in such small, simple ways, bart had managed to make such an impact on cindy and her relationships with her family members. did he even know?

‘"cindy, i wish you would wear those beach coverups at the poolside. and that suit is much too skimpy.” she appeared startled, crestfallen and hurt because i criticized her suit.’ -cathy 

‘suddenly bart was there, yelling at cindy. “you don’t have to stay. you’re just the bastard my mother had to have.” cindy blushed deeply red. “are you trying to hurt me again, jerk? you can’t hurt me now! i’m through with that!” “don’t you ever call me jerk again, bastard!” “creep, jerk, creep, jerk!” she taunted, backing up and dodging behind chairs and tables, deliberately baiting him to give chase, and in this way, give her dull day a bit of excitement. “cindy!” i stormed, furious now. “how dare you talk to bart that way? now say you’re sorry … say it!” “no, i won’t say it, for i’m not sorry!”’ -cathy 

‘"learn to keep your mouth shut.”’ -jory to cindy 

when bart enters into his affair with jory’s wife melodie, despite him barely having actual conversations with her, he (and his presence and his general attitude about things) manages to make melodie change her views of cindy. some of this is her depression over jory’s accident, but if bart wasn’t around, or even involved at all with her, cindy never would have been brought up, most can agree on. melodie can see how bart and cindy act around one another, she knows what they say when the other isn’t near. her opinions start to change, and it’s not in a good way.

it’s even apparent that bart’s relationship and time spent with joel has formed a negative opinion on cindy (as well as cathy, chris, and jory). despite cindy not being a blood relative, and it not being her fault about the incestuous relations throughout the family (that she isn’t even aware of, mind you), he still has a hatred of her, and one can only logically assume some of this is because of what all bart has told him of her.

bart has even affected cindy’s relationships with people outside of the family. friends, lovers, you name it. with lovers, he’s particularly fond of violence as her preferred method to ruin relationships.

‘"i was spoiled like you spoil your dear little cindy.”’ -melodie to cathy 

‘i can’t say i really care for joel. he seems very fond of bart, but he does nothing but criticize cindy. she can do nothing right in joel’s eyes, or in bart’s.’ -cathy 

‘"he’s ruined lance’s face, ruined it.” more than likely she was right. i had to teach bart how to hold back his rage. how terrible for such a good-looking boy to have his beautiful nose broken, to say nothing of his black eyes and many cuts and bruises.’ -cathy

this is good for now, this is by far no means everything, but i’ve tortured you enough if you’ve read all of this.

Little Darlin’ : Chapter Four

Sweet Pea x OC, 1950′s AU

Warnings: abusive relationship, smoking, underage drinking, 😘😘

(violence, sexual content/smut in later chapters)

AN: I’ve FINALLY finished this damn chapter! Thank you all for being patient and for your support. I think i’ve figured out where I want this story to go?? I’ve been having a tough time figuring it out because i have waaaaaay too many ideas floating around in my head. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. As always, Let me know what you think or if you have any ideas or suggestions, my ask is open! 

masterlist can be found on my blog!

BTW: I’m on Thanksgiving break this week so pls feel free to send in requests!!!

Chapter Four: A Teenager’s Romance

“YOU HAD YOUR FIRST KISS!?!?!!”

Lily giggled into her pillow, her and Trish finally had a night to themselves and Lily spilled the beans about her night with Sweet Pea. Trish sat on the opposite end of Lily’s bed criss-cross-applesauce listening intently.

“Well…? How was it? I bet he’s a really good kisser.”

“It was…sweet.” Lily replayed the moment in her head for probably the millionth time.

“He must really like you, Lil’. I’m so happy for you!” She beamed at her friend. She loved seeing her like this, there was a new side of Lily that she hadn’t seen before Sweet Pea.

“So how’s everything going with Fangs?”

Trish sighed in contentment, her shoulders relaxing. “Lily he is just the most! I’ve never laughed so hard with anyone in my entire life, and he’s such a dreamboat. He makes me feel…special. And you know what?” Lily peered up at her expectantly, a small smile on her lips. “I think I’m in love!” Trish giggled, playfully outstretching her arms to the sky. The short sleeve of her silk pajama top slid up with the movement, revealing the skin up to her shoulder.

Lily noticed a couple of bruises on the newly exposed skin of her upper arm, it looked like someone had roughly grabbed her. “Trish? What is this from? Are you okay?”

Trish looked to her shoulder and immediately pulled her sleeve back down to cover it. “Oh, that? It’s nothing really.” She laughed it off, but Lily was far from convinced that it was “nothing”.

“I’ve just been such a klutz lately.”

“Trish...”

“Really Lily, I’m fine. Nothing I can’t handle.”

Archie must have suspected something was going on with Trish. Lily knew he had a temper, the two of them would get into arguments all of the time, but things had become physical recently.

Trish was quick to change the subject. “In other news, a little birdie told me you’re going on a date with Sweet Pea on Friday?”

Lily had been thinking about it since the night he asked to see her again. She’d get the jitters every time she would think about it. Her first real date. She’d wished she could have told her mom all about it like most girls could, but if she found out she was going out with a Serpent she would have her head on a stake.

“Yeah, I’m sort of nervous. I’ve never been on a real date before.”

“It’ll be incredible. Plus, me and Fangs might meet up with you guys at the drive-in, so I’ll be there for moral support.”

“I’m just worried. Maybe he doesn’t really like me and he’s just looking for a quick hookup or something? Do you think maybe I shouldn’t have kissed him?”

Trish shook her head. “Lil’ you’re completely overthinking it. It’s obvious that he likes you, and according to Fangs he’s never like this with most girls.”

Lily nodded her head, it was comforting to hear that. “I sure hope you’re right.”

**

It was now 5 minutes past 6 and Sweet Pea was nowhere to be seen. Her parents had their weekly game night with the Keller’s. Lily sat at the kitchen table, nervously fiddling with the gold cross around her neck. Though it had only been 5 minutes past the time he said he’d be there, she already began filling her head with doubt. Maybe he didn’t really like her? Did she scare him off by telling him her father was a holy man? Had she wasted her first kiss on some guy that would never talk to her again? She felt so silly, she never should have let her guard down like that. It was entirely unlike her.

Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the ring of the doorbell. Lily stood up from her chair collecting her small white clutch and raced to the front door, stopping by the full length mirror that hung in the hall to check her hair that she wore down in soft blonde waves. She decided to go for her usual minimal makeup look, just a bit of soft pink blush and mascara to accentuate her green eyes. She wore a pale pink floral dress and a pair of saddle shoes. She was ready. She took a deep breath and opened the front door, there he stood towering over her. He was dressed in his usual attire, Serpent jacket, white tee and black jeans. He was holding something behind his back.

“Hey”

“Hey yourself.” His eyes ran over her petite figure. He couldn’t believe how good she looked. She looked almost angelic. Lily was different from the other girls he had gone with in the past. Pea also wasn’t usually one to go for shorter girls. But he couldn’t deny the fact that he loved the way he towered over her.

Lily felt self conscious under his gaze. Did she do too much? She knew they were only going to Pop’s and then to the drive-in, but she had wanted to look nice. But the way Sweet Pea was looking at her in that moment made her second guess herself.

“Hey, I uh. Ehem” He cleared his throat. “I got you something.” He pulled his hand out from behind his back to reveal a small bouquet of ivory white flowers.

“They’re lilies, you know…Like your name. That’s what the guy at the-uh place said anyways. I dunno, it’s kind of lame…It was Toni’s ide-“

Lily walked up to the blabbering Serpent and planted a soft kiss to his cheek to shut him up. She accepted the bouquet that he held out to her, the sweet aroma of the flowers filling her senses.

“I love them, thank you Sweet Pea.”

He smiled down at her, nonchalantly shrugging his shoulders. “No problem, they were all my idea.”

Lily couldn’t help but roll her eyes, she locked the door behind her as they started toward the driveway. There was no sign of Sweet Pea’s truck. But there was a shiny black Ford De Luxe in near perfect condition. The paint glistened in the moonlight.

“This is a bit of an upgrade from the truck. Is it new?”

“Sorta, me and Jug have been fixing her up for a couple of months. We’re gonna race it down by Sweetwater River.”

“You race cars?”

“Sometimes just for fun, sometimes for pinks.”

“Well, she’s beautiful.”

Sweet Pea watched as Lily’s dainty finger glided over the smooth black exterior of the Ford De Luxe. If her face was anything to go by, she seemed impressed. He lifted his lips into a smirk, “She sure is.”

Lily looked up at him, realizing he was watching her. She looked down at her feet, smiling.

**

It was a Friday night, and Pop’s was in full swing. Sweet Pea and Lily walked in and spotted a booth in the back left corner and made a run for it before it was taken. They slid into their seats on opposite sides of the booth. A pretty blonde waitress skated over, her hair was tucked back in a high ponytail and she greeted them with a friendly smile. Lily recognized her as Betty Cooper. She lived the next street over from her, they had taken a few classes together. She was a very sweet, very smart girl.

“Lily! How are you? How’s your summer so far?”

“Hi, Betty!” She then noticed Sweet Pea on the opposite side of the booth.

“Hey Sweet Pea, how’ve you been?”

“Not too bad. Could we just get a couple of shakes? One chocolate and….” Sweet Pea looked over at Lily and then back to Betty “One vanilla.”

“Two shakes; one chocolate, one vanilla. You got it.” She flashed them a smile and skated back to the counter to put in their order.

“She’s a real nice girl, I’ve had a few classes with her.”

“Betty? Yeah, she stops by the Wyrm every once in awhile to see Jones. Turns out she’s one hell of a mechanic, she’s helped us out at the garage a few times.”

“I didn’t even know they were an item until I saw them at the Wyrm last week.”

“Yeah, most Northsiders don’t want people knowing they’re hanging around with Serpents. They’re keeping it low-key.”

A few minutes passed when Betty brought over their shakes and placed them on the table with the check. “There you guys are!” They both thanked her and dove into their shakes.

“Mmm, this is delicious. How’d you know vanilla was my favorite?” Lily questioned.

Sweet Pea shrugged, a smile threatening to break out. “Lucky guess.”

Sweet Pea watched her take a sip from her straw, she had a bit of whipped cream just below her bottom lip. Sweet Pea reached over and ran his thumb over the spot, lingering a bit over the bottom curve of her lip. The two locked eyes, and her stomach did a little flip.

**

Once they finished their shakes and payed the bill, the two hopped back in the car and made their way over to the drive in to meet up with Trish and Fangs. Cars littered the parking lot, mostly packed with teenagers and their dates. Lily’s father often warned her of the “dangers of the drive-in”. He claimed it was nothing but a hot spot for kids to meet up and do “unholy things.” Lily wasn’t entirely naive, she knew a lot of guys would bring girls there to make out, sometimes even more. Regardless, she genuinely liked the drive-in, Trish and her and been going there together for years. Some of their best memories took place there.

Sweet Pea spotted Fangs standing outside his car having a smoke. He pulled into the parking space next to him and rolled down his window to talk.

Fangs’ eyes lit up, roaming over the body of the fixed up car. “WOAH! Check her out!” Fangs circled around it, leaning in to check out the details. “We’re gonna kick those Ghoulies asses down at Sweetwater, in style.” Fangs had a wide, child-like grin on his face.

“She cleaned up pretty nice huh?”

“Hell yeah. I hardly even recognized the ole hunk of junk” He turned to Sweet Pea, he looked as though he had an epiphany. “SP, this car could be make-out city!”

Lily leaned forward and interrupted.“Hi Fangs.”

“Oh-uh. Hey Lily!” He said rather clumsily, “Didn’t see ya there.” Sweet Pea let out a deep sigh.

“Hey, Where’s Trish?”

“Turns out she’s not coming, said she had a “last minute commitment” or somethin’. I dunno. Figured I’d come check out the scene anyway.” That immediately worried Lily, she hoped everything was okay with Trish. It was unlike her to miss night out with Fangs. “Hey you guys want anything? I’m gonna hit the snack bar.”

“Nah, I’m cool man. Lily? Want anything?”

“Could you please grab me a bottle of coke?”

Fangs nodded. “You got it!” and strolled over to the snack bar, combing his hair back on the way over.

Lily watched as Sweat Pea took out a cigarette and brought it to his lips. He looked down at Lily and raised his eyebrows, “You want one?”

“Me? Oh, no. I’ve never smoked before.”

Sweet Pea gave her an amused look, “Ya don’t say?” He chuckled and blew out a cloud of smoke.

“You look really beautiful by the way. I don’t know if I already told you that.”

Lily blushed, “Thanks, you don’t look half bad yourself.”

“Glad you think so, darlin’.” Sweet Pea smiled, puffing on his cigarette. Lily watched as the smoke billowed out of the drivers side window.

“Hey Pea?”

“Hmm?”

“I had a really good time with you last weekend. I can’t thank you enough for inviting me.”

“Anytime you want to have some fun just let me know.”

“And thank you for the-“ She laughed nervously. “Well, you know.” She felt the heat crawl up to her cheeks.

“The kiss?” He looked at her, amused. He loved how shy she was, he found it very endearing.

“Yea, the kiss. It was…nice.”

“Well, kitten. There’s plenty more where that one came from.” Sweet Pea winked at the blonde, whose cheeks had since grown pink. The opening credits began, Sweet Pea tossed his cigarette out the window snaked his arm around Lily’s shoulders. She let her body sink into him. She smiled up at him and they locked eyes. Sweet Pea leaned his head in closer to the small blonde. His lips hovered just above hers when the back door to the car flung open, Fangs hopped in the back seat and slammed the door shut with a loud exhale. Sweet Pea pulled his head back and leaned back against his headrest. He closed his eyes in annoyance. If there was one thing that Sweet Pea hated Fangs for, it was his impeccable timing. Fangs extended his arm out between the two, a bottle of coke in his hand. “One pop for the missus.” Lily let out a soft laugh, taking the drink from his hand. “Thank you, Fangs.”

“No problem, toots.” Fangs sunk back in his seat, making himself comfortable as he shoveled a handful of buttery popcorn into his mouth. “Did I miss anything?” Sweet Pea rolled his eyes, glaring at his friend in the rearview mirror. “OOOO! I love the opening credits! It’s the one with the little dancing popcorn guy, I love it!” Fangs let out a laugh and began singing along with the music. “Let’s all go to the mooooovies! Let’s all go to the mooooooovies! Let’s all go to the mooooooviiiiiiiiiiii-UNH!” Sweet Pea had turned around and grabbed his friend by the collar of his leather jacket. Lily sat there, eyes glued to the screen trying to hold back her laughter.

“HEY- whats it to ya?!”

“Hit the pavement, Fogarty.”

“Oh come on SP, you’re not gonna make me watch the movie all by myself are ya?”

Sweet Pea nudged his head toward Lily, his eyebrows raising. Sweet Pea swore he watched the gears slowly begin to turn in Fangs’ head.

“OH. Oh, yeah. I’ll just catch up with you guys later then. Enjoy the movie.”

Fangs opened up the door, and sauntered away from the car with his bucket of popcorn.

“Sorry about him, he’s a pain in my ass.”

“No, thats okay. I think he’s rather funny.”

“Oh yeah, a regular Moe Howard.” Sweet Pea scoffed, he replaced his arm around Lily’s shoulders and continued watching the movie. Throughout the film, the pair took turns stealing glances at one another. Sweet Pea lightly caressed her shoulder, the small contact sending a shiver down her spine. Lily looked over to him.

“Do you like the movie? You seem distracted.”

“Oh, yeah. The movie’s great. I’ve just been thinking…”

“…About?” Lily looked at him curiously.

“This.” Sweet Pea placed his hand under her chin, guiding her lips to his. He placed a firm kiss against her lips and pulled back. Lily looked up at him under her lashes and pulled him closer to her, their lips connecting again. They moved against each other a little more than before. Lily’s fingers held tightly to the lapels of his leather jacket. Sweet Pea ran his tongue over her bottom lip and she let out a small gasp just as Sweet Pea slid his tongue between her lips. She let her tongue gently caress against his. She had never understood what could be so great about someones tongue in your mouth, it seemed disgusting. Although at first it caught her off-guard, but then she thought it was kind of nice. Different, but nice. She suddenly felt an unfamiliar ache deep down, an ache for something more. She let her fingers become tangled in his dark hair as Sweet Pea pulled her body closer to his. He let one hand slowly slide down her subtle curves and down to her waist. She involuntarily moved her body a little closer to his. She seemed like she was into it, so he dared to venture his hand a little further down her side past the curve of her hip and stopped at her knee. Lily let out a small sigh into his mouth. She had never felt as good a she did in that moment, yet she somehow wanted more. She wasn’t sure what “more” was exactly, but she yearned for it. Sweet Pea gently rubbed his thumb against the side of her knee and slowly started to creep up her leg, his fingers sliding just past the hem of her cotton dress and pushing the fabric up her soft thigh.

Lily jerked back. “Sweet Pea!” Lily said with a gasp, smoothing out her skirt and protectively wrapping her arms around herself. She was shocked. Mostly in shock of herself for letting things escalate so quickly, but also how her body hadn’t wanted him to stop.

“Sorry, I got carried away.” Sweet Pea looked at her apologetically, letting out a deep sigh. Sweet Pea really wasn’t used to taking things slow, he was used to drunken one night stands. He knew things with Lily would be different, she just wasn’t that type.

“I’m sorry. I’m just not used to this.” She admitted to him bashfully.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m not gonna force you to do anything.” He rubbed his hand over his face. “I’ll try to slow down.”

She thought it was sweet of him. Although admittedly, she wasn’t sure that she wanted him to slow down. Especially after that. “Thank you, you’re a real gentleman.”

“That’s a first. “ Sweet Pea gave her a small smile, what in the hell was he doing? He’d only hung out with this chick a handful of times and it was as though she had cast a spell on him.

His thoughts were interrupted by a second gasp from Lily. He looked over to the girl to see her ducked down in the passenger seat.

“You okay, blondie? What’s with the freak out?”

Lily looked over at him with worried eyes. “It’s Trish!”

“I thought Fangs said she wasn’t coming? What are you hiding for?”

“She’s here with Archie.”

Sweet pea looked out the windshield of the car and low and behold, there stood Archie Andrews with his arm around the leggy redhead. They were talking with Moose Mason and Midge Klump. “Ah, shit.” Sweet Pea hoped Fangs wouldn’t bump into them. He knew it would crush him.

And just like that, Fangs’ impeccable timing struck once again. He was looking down at his bucket of popcorn, tossing a few pieces into his mouth when he looked up and saw them. Archie Andrews walking with his arm around a girl. His girl. Sweet Pea watched his best friend’s face drop at the sight. He tried to sneak by the couple without going noticed, but Archie had spotted him as soon as he turned down that row of cars.

“Well, well, well. I didn’t know Southside put out their trash on Friday nights.” Trish looked up at Fangs, her eyes wide in both shock and embarrassment.

“Where are the rest of those greaseball buddies of yours?”

“Bite me, Andrews.” Fangs went to walk by the group of Northsiders.

Archie stopped in front of him, pushing on his shoulders. “What did you just say to me?” Fangs just stood there silently, glancing over at Trish. Her head hung low in shame.

“You touch me again, I’ll knock your lights out.”

“You know, you’ve got some nerve showing up on the Northside alone. In MY territory, talking to me like that.”

Trish caressed Archie’s arm, nuzzling up against his side. “Archie cut it out, just let him go…He’s not worth it.” Fangs’ face fell into a deep scowl. He knew she was only doing and saying those things to diffuse the situation, but he’s be lying if it didn’t sting like hell to see her like that with Archie.

Archie wrapped his arm around Trish’s shoulders as he held eye contact with Fangs, and started to walk away.

Fangs stood there for a second before walking back to sit on the hood of his car, placing his bucket of popcorn next to him. He ran a hand over his face before taking out a cigarette and bringing it to his lips.

“You should go talk to him, Pea.” Sweet Pea looked over at Lily, he knew she was right. He let out a deep sigh before he opened the door and walked over to Fangs, leaning against the car.

“You got a smoke I can bum off you?”

Fangs nodded silently, reaching in his pocket and pulling out the pack, offering it to Sweet Pea. “You know, I just don’t get it man.” Sweet Pea slid out a cig from the carton, lighting it and taking a long drag.

“I take her out, I treat her like gold, make her laugh. I practically worship at her feet.” Fangs took a puff off his cigarette. “And at the end of the day, she goes right back to him.” He said with blatant disgust.

“He treats her like shit. I watch that jerk-off flirt with other girls, taking them out.” Sweet Pea shook his head and Fangs looked over at him, “He hits her, SP. I’ve seen the bruises, she’s got marks all over her body. She tries to tell me she’s just clumsy.” Fangs scoffed. "But I know it’s him. It’s that jock prick, Andrews. I want to beat him to a bloody pulp, but I know she’d never forgive me.” Fangs took another drag from his cigarette. “SP, what the hell do I do?”

“I don’t know, I mean…maybe you should just let her go?”

“You know I can’t do that, I think I love her. I know I love her. But how do I get her to choose me over him?”

“Have you told her?”

“Told her what?”

“You just said that you love her. Have you told her that?”

“Nah, man. It’s a waste.”

“I think you should tell her.” Fangs blew out smoke into the cool air.

“I’ll think about it. Thanks SP.” He threw the but of his cigarette to the ground, SP followed suit. “I’m getting the fuck out of here, this movie sucks.”

**

Sweet Pea and Lily sat and watched the rest of the movie before they hit the road. The mood was sort of ruined by the whole Archie and Fangs thing. Sweet Pea felt sorry for Fangs, he was in a real tough situation. The only thing Fangs ever wanted to talk about was how wonderful Trish was. Sweet Pea found it borderline sickening. But he could tell that his best friend was happy, and that made Sweet Pea happy. He was very protective of Fangs, even when they were kids. He was like an annoying little brother to him.

“I feel horrible for Fangs. Did you see the way Archie was talking to him? Why I’d like to give that pompous…jerk a piece of my mind!”

Sweet Pea chuckled. “Got a little bit of fire in you, darlin’.”

“I just wish Trish would wake up and kick Archie to the curb.” Lily let out a frustrated sigh.

They pulled up just before Lily’s house, Sweet Pea got out of the car and opened the car door for her. She climbed out of the car and Sweet Pea closed the door behind her. He leaned against the side of the Ford De Luxe, Lily standing between his legs.

“Sorry our date kinda got ruined.”

“It wasn’t ruined, Pea.” He smiled at the nickname. “I still had a nice time with you.”

“Nice time.” He said to himself. “So does that mean I earned a second date?” Lily smiled up at him, biting her lip.

“Maybe even a third.” She got on her toes and pecked him on the lips. He rested his hands on her hips. He wasn’t ready for her to leave just yet.

He brushed her blonde waves back behind her shoulder. “When can I see you again?”

“School starts next week, so I won’t be around much during the week.”

“What do you have a boyfriend Monday through Friday that you don’t want me to know about?” He teased. She shook his head at him, letting out a small chuckle. “That’s alright, I’ve got some shit I’ve gotta work out this week. Serpent stuff.”

Lily nodded her head. She wanted to ask exactly what this “Serpent stuff” entailed, but decided not to push it. “Well, you know where to find me.” She leaned up to give him a chaste kiss on the lips, her hand momentarily rested on his chest. “Goodnight, Sweet Pea.”

She sauntered toward her house and turned when she reached the door to wave goodbye. He waved back, throwing a wink her way before he climbed back into his car and drove away.

**

Sweet Pea walked into the Wyrm and walked over to the bar. Fangs was passed out drunk in his barstool with a line of empties in front of him.

“He came in about an hour or two ago, he got completely loaded and passed out. That Northsider really did a number on him.” Toni was cleaning up the rest of the bar, wiping down the counter around Fangs and his empty beer bottles.

Toni popped off the cap to a beer and handed it over to Sweet Pea. “Yeah, sure looks like it. Poor bastard’s in love.” He said before taking a swig from the bottle.

Toni raised an eyebrow at Sweet Pea before shaking her head in disbelief. “I guess that’s what he gets for getting involved with a Northside girl.”

Sweet Pea let out a snicker.

“Speaking of Northside girls….How are things going with Little Miss Sunshine?”

Sweet Pea downed another large gulp of beer before answering. “Good.”

“Good? That’s all I get?”

Sweet Pea shrugged his shoulders, his eyes darting around the room for a distraction.

Toni stopped to look at him, she could tell he didn’t want to talk about her. There could only be one reason why. “Oh my god.”

Sweet Pea looked back to Toni, who stood there with a wide, knowing grin that stretched across her face. “What?”

Toni lightly shook her head, “You like her. You really like her.”

“Oh cut the gas, Toni. She’s a nice girl, fun to be around, really cute. But that’s it. That’s where it ends.”

“I think you’re afraid.”

“Am not.”

“You so are! Sweet Pea, she obviously likes you if she voluntarily hangs around your stubborn ass!”

Sweet Pea rolled his eyes, finishing his beer.

“I say, go for it! See where it goes.”

“It would never work, we’re from two completely different sides of the tracks. It’s bad news, T.”

“Well I think you should give it a try. I think this could be good for you.”

Sweet Pea groaned. “What are you my mother?” Sweet Pea stood up from his seat at the bar, throwing a couple bucks on the counter. “Can you make sure he gets home safe? I’ve gotta get to bed. These weekly late night runs are killing me.”

“You’re still doing those moves for the Ghoulies?”

“It’s the only way we can pay them back, it’s not like we’ve got the money upfront. We could’ve been all paid off by now if I didn’t-”

“Sweet Pea. It wasn’t your fault and you know it. Just be careful out there. There’s a lot of tension in this town.”

“Always am.”

Taglist: @madaboutlili @chipster-21 @the-fifth-marauder-paws @ddeo-na-ji-ma @softporcelain​ @gswritings @charles11700 @jennyhetzel​ @ajillathehun-blog

the foxhole court bad

(aka the eden’s twilight chapter is gross, the thanksgiving chapter is also gross, andriel is an abusive ship, and nicky and andrew are two terrible people being terrible to each other, a passionate essay by a dude who’s real sick and tired of this garbage)

I was gonna try to reread the whole series so I could factually and definitively prove that tfc sucks once and for all but after 2 chapters I concluded that reading it again was killing my last 3 brain cells, so I stuck with rereading the worst two chapters and gathering a few other moments I thought were noteworthy, and we’re just gonna have to go from there. I’m gonna discuss a bunch of stuff so I’m putting the entire meta under the cut. Also! If you have no idea what tfc is and follow me for other reasons but are intrigued by my hatred I doubt you could get through this whole thing without being bored. I’ve made a couple short posts saying what’s wrong with tfc, most recently this one here, which you could read instead of this long ass mess. 

If you know nothing about tfc and still wanna read, trigger warning for mentions of drug abuse, rape, physical abuse, emotional/psychological abuse, sexual abuse (both of children and adults... well of one adult who was once a child), actually. all abuse. just. don’t read if you’re triggered by any general categories of abuse

You still here? So sorry about that. Now let’s get going! 

I can’t deny that there’s some sort of appeal to tfc. “Sports team for fucked up weirdos” is an interesting concept and one that can draw you in, if it’s done well. But Nora Sakavic thrives on shock value and can’t write to save her life, so it’s not done well. It’s done very, very badly. Now I’m not here to complain about the terrible writing (even though I could, believe me). I’m here to complain about how Nora writes like she gets into tumblr discourse with teenagers and makes anti blocklists. So we’ll just go in chronological order, because I think it makes the most sense that way. 

Eden’s Twilight

Up until the Eden’s Twilight chapter, the bad parts are more or less excusable. Andrew is...being Andrew, but the book has just begun, and as long as he doesn’t get any worse he’s bound to have some character development soon (which ha funny joke but we’re hopeful, the night’s still young). Nicky is likable and seemingly the good guy who’s said maybe a couple iffy things, Aaron isn’t noteworthy (and boy does he stay that way), and we haven’t seen much of Kevin’s “fun alcoholism” yet. 

And then there’s Eden’s Twilight.  The setup to the chapter has a couple interesting moments, most notably Nicky pushing Neil to take out his contacts despite the knowledge that it makes him deeply uncomfortable because everyone just bends to the fucking whim of Andrew apparently (a running theme that I’ll get to later) and a gross bit of setup where Nicky comes onto Neil and Andrew threatens to kill him. 

“...his happy expression faltered when he got a good look at Neil. “Oh man. Neil, you clean up good. Can I say that, or is that against the rules? Just--damn. Aaron, don’t let me get too drunk tonight.” (tfc pg 129)

(Nicky is an adult with a fiancee who he allegedly loves. Neil is 18. Just in case anyone’s forgotten.)

Then they go and buy some drugs! Nora shows a worrying misunderstanding of how drug withdrawal works (Nora do even one ounce of research for your shitty book please ma’am I’m begging you) and they buy some drugs with vague side effects (I have no idea if the stuff they take is based off real world drugs and I’d rather not find out) in a scene that seems unrealistic but I couldn’t tell you for sure (never bought drugs. not about to ask the people in my life who have.). They buy their drugs, Andrew takes some drugs, Nora continues to know nothing about withdrawal, they go to a nightclub! The night is still young!

And now comes the big problem area. 

Their nightclub adventures begin with a complicit bartender who says, “Back so soon, Andrew? Who’s your newest victim?” (tfc pg 133). On a later page it’s established that the bartender was spiking Neil’s drinks and fully aware of everything the siblings planned to do (as is routine with them? apparently?) so. Fun guy. 

They do some drugs, drink some alcohol. Neil refuses to do both. Andrew and Nicky are adamant about him doing drugs with them, but he refuses, so they concede. 

“Drink with us if you won’t dust with us,” Nicky said, holding his open packet in one hand and his shot in the other. 

And Neil does. Because there’s no reason not to, really. Andrew’s gang accepted it when he said he didn’t drink. They’ve so far not forced him to do anything he doesn’t want to. He watched the bartender pour his drink. He has no reason to suspect he won’t be fine. 

So, of course, his drink is drugged, and Andrew, Aaron, and Nicky hold him down as he tries to run away. The twins force him onto the dance floor, then leave him with Nicky, reigning defender for World’s Most Predatory Man. 

“Bodies and lights blurred around him, making Neil nauseous. He clawed bloody lines down Nicky’s arm as he fought to get free. Nicky didn’t let go until they’d reached the middle of the dance floor. He pulled Neil up against him and caught Neil’s chin in his fingers to force his head back.  Nicky’s kiss was harder than Neil expected it to be, and there was more than just tongue in it. Beneath the burn of vodka Nicky shared with him was the sweet tang of cracker dust. Neil didn’t mean to swallow, but it hurt too much to hold it in his mouth.  “This is how the game goes,” Nicky said against his lips. “Stop fighting if you want to survive.” (tfc pg 136)

Nicky is a good guy of the story. Not only that, he’s a fan favorite character. This isn’t even a chapter people gloss over to glorify their faves, either. People often point to this chapter and the surrounding scenes as one of the series’ most iconic moments. Neil’s night ends with him paying a bartender to knock him unconscious to put an end to the drugged abuse, which can be found near the top of pretty much everyone’s “top ten iconic Neil Josten moments” lists.  This scene is fucking disgusting. He’s forcefully assaulted, allowed and encouraged by Andrew, who’s supposedly the force keeping Nicky in line, and who told him earlier in the chapter not to try anything. Aaron and Kevin are complicit in this, as is the bartender. As are the rest of the team members and Coach Wymack, even if it’s to a far lesser extent, because though they’re horrified that Andrew and his gang brought Neil to the club, they’re not surprised. For people who seemed to know it was coming, they did an awfully lax job of keeping Neil safe though they claim that’s their top priority, and Wymack hardly reprimands Andrew. And no one even shifts blame towards Nicky, despite the fact that he’s the worst person here out of all of them.

People tend to ignore Nicky in general when it comes to how bad of people all these characters are. Which is weird, because Nicky is a horrific predator, and this scene can’t be excused. Though he never assaults Neil again, he continues to be interested in him up until his lackluster apology (which, by the way, does not excuse his actions in this chapter so fuck off if you’re gonna say it does), and it’s pretty clearly implied that he only stops flirting uncomfortably with Neil (who, side note, is still barely not a child) because Andrew forces him to, and not because of any personal growth. 

This should be the end of my explanation of why these books are terrible. Writing a scene like this, in which the assaulters are the good guys of the story and will, throughout the next three books, improve as people by exactly 0%, is reprehensible. There’s no coming back from that. But some of you obviously disagree, so let’s keep going. 

There’s more scenes like this, one in particular, but I’m gonna talk about it later. My point is just that “token gay character is a blatant predator” is not a good look, especially when written by a straight woman.

Thanksgiving

Nora Sakavic would not know how to write a rape victim if one punched her in the face and told her she was a horrible writer. I wish I didn’t have to say more. But I obviously do, so let’s go. 

(as always: necessary disclaimer that I am not a csa survivor and if anyone out there is and disagrees with me I’m more than willing to hear you out, however, i don’t think it takes one to tell that Nora Sakavic is a Fraud And Hack) 

This one wasn’t quite as hard to reread as the Eden’s Twilight chapter, probably because even though the acts are worse, it doesn’t have a bad message overall. The rapist is, thank god, the bad guy in this one. 

It does, however, have problems. Because Nora is still unable to write about serious issues without incorporating scenes purely for the purpose of shock value. 

Like, y’all, it’s really not hard to say “this character was raped as a child and has problems with consent and intimacy because of it”. You don’t need to bring the rapist into the story and have them rape the character again only for the main characters to walk in on it and kill the rapist with a lacrosse racket. 

Oh yeah, spoilers, that’s exactly what happens.  

The chapter starts out fine. If anything, it’s tame for a chapter of a book out of The World’s Most Unnecessarily Over The Top Book Series. 

The basic setup is: Nicky’s parents have invited him and the twins home for Thanksgiving after being estranged for 5 years. Andrew refuses to go. He won’t tell anyone why, but after a talk with him Neil learns that it’s because he was raped by his stepbrother and when he confided in Nicky’s dad about it, Nicky’s dad told him it was a misunderstanding. 

Y’all know what that is? Perfectly fucking adequate writing. We learn this thing about Andrew’s past. He has, for probably the only time in this entire series, adequate motivation to do something. But Ms. Sakavic, known Fraud And Hack, said fuck that. We need more. We need to really know what Andrew went through. “Like in a longer conversation sequence?” Someone sensible asked. Nora shook her head. “Like in the second worst scene I have ever written because I am a Fraud And Hack.” 

So they go to Nicky’s house for Thanksgiving! This also gives Nora a chance to remind us all that she is a straight woman and Nicky is a gay stereotype. Andrew is on edge the entire time, but Neil manages to keep him under control for the most part. Then we learn that Nicky’s dad invited Andrew’s rapist ex-stepbrother to the house. And than they’re upstairs together. Alone. 

So y’know, Neil and Aaron run upstairs, break down the door, there’s a page and a half of description of the scene of Andrew about to get raped before their very eyes, Aaron kills the rapist with a lacrosse stick (exy stick, whatever), and scene. I’m not gonna quote this one, because I don’t wanna make anyone read it, but it runs roughly from page 215-220 of The Raven King if you wanna see for yourself. Highly recommend against it. It’s nasty. 

This is a chapter that goes from 0-100 in pretty much too seconds. Someone should probably tell Nora that forcing Andrew to have dinner with the man who discredited his rape is enough digging up of his traumatic past. We don’t need to go deeper. She can stop now. She should stop now. We know Andrew’s history of csa at this point. If Nora thought that wasn’t enough, there are a million ways she could go more in depth without doing this. This scene doesn’t even go more in depth. In terms of advancements in the story, all that happens is that Aaron, Kevin, and Nicky find out about Andrew’s past (something that could have happened in so many different ways) and Aaron kills a man (which doesn’t actually matter because it takes no toll on him and is never mentioned again because nora is a fraud and hack). I was appalled and horrified the first time I read it, and rightly so, because that’s it’s only purpose. 

And putting a rape scene in a book for the sole purpose of shocking your readers is just a nasty thing to do. 

Bonus Point: Riko Moriyama Is An Evil Monster And That’s Bad Even If He Is The Villain 

Riko’s an evil monster! Yeah! Obviously! We’re glad he died! He sucks! But...he’s a very badly written evil monster, and I don’t feel like unpacking all of him, but I just want to point to a couple scenes towards the end of The Raven King real quick since they fit with the whole “Nora don’t write about rape like this” theme. 

I’m not gonna quote this one either because it’s Real Gross. But basically, Riko convinces Neil to spend winter break with him by telling him that he arranged for Andrew to get raped over Thanksgiving, and that if Neil doesn’t comply with his terms, he’s paid off one of the doctors at the psych ward Andrew is staying in and will get that doctor to rape him again. 

So that didn’t...need to happen. It’s quite frankly disgusting that Nora wrote all this (the language in this scene is very explicit). It’s disgusting that she couldn’t think of any other way to portray her villain as evil. This is bad writing. Riko doesn’t need to be cartoonishly villainous. It’s unnecessary, it’s over the top, and it’s sickening to read. 

Also? That scene at the end of The Raven King where Riko handcuffs Neil to the bed and like...stabs him and it’s never said he rapes him but he definitely rapes him because Nora’s predatory subtext is more obvious than a slap in the face? That didn’t need to happen either. 

Andriel is a terrible ship, Nora you FRAUD AND HACK

So Andrew and Neil get together in the last book, because every series written by a straight woman needs a super unhealthy gay relationship for fangirls to call cute.

(This one is...weird because a lot of the fanbase are gay themselves, but I’ve heard there’s gay people who like the captive prince too so. i guess it just be like that sometimes.)

I don’t have time to comb through the entire book looking through problematic moments, and I wouldn’t want to. I’m just gonna grab a couple noteworthy scenes in what I hope will make an adequate outline of this fucked up relationship. 

The Foxhole Court starts by setting up a running theme of Everyone Disrespecting Neil’s Boundaries All The Time with Wymack, Andrew, and Kevin coming to his high school and refusing to leave until he agrees to sign on with their Not Lacrosse team. His first meeting with Andrew is when Andrew hits him with a lacrosse racket to forcibly stop him from leaving the locker room, a pretty good encapsulation of the sort of person Andrew is. They spent the next three books allegedly falling in love.

Neil establishes boundaries. Andrew breaks them.

“I don’t need to be persuasive,” Andrew said, putting a hand to Neil’s chest as the elevator slowed to a stop. “You’ll just learn to do what I say.” 

This is on page 33 of tfc, during their second meeting. Andrew establishes that he’s controlling and manipulative pretty damn early. 

A list of other “romantic and iconic” Andriel moments include:

Andrew breaks into Neil’s room and goes through his belongings

Andrew drugs Neil and allows Nicky to assault him (after threatening to kill Nicky if he tried anything??) because he doesn’t trust him

Andrew uses threats of sharing personal information to force Neil to tell him secrets

Andrew is repeatedly physically violent (their first meeting, beating him up at Eden’s Twilight)

Andrew tells Neil’s secrets to the team psychiatrist, knowing full well it’s a betrayal of Neil’s trust

Andrew delights in Neil’s fear and goes out of his way for most of tfc to make him fear for his safety

Andrew didn’t look at Wymack. “Neil wants to come with me.”  A day ago, those words might have been an order or a threat, but today Neil heard only truth. He’d chosen the Foxes. He’d chosen to trust Andrew, whatever that meant and whatever consequences it brought down the road. (tfc pg. 152)

After that quote the moments are harder to spot (read: I reread less of trk and none of tkm so I don’t have any bookmarks to turn to), but they are still there. The last moment there is from trk, so the abuse doesn’t stop, I’m just too exhausted to keep looking. 

And let me be clear, that quote is barely consent. Andrew physically and psychologically abuses Neil into the position he’s in when he surrenders and sides with Andrew on page 152.  This scene takes place right after Eden’s Twilight, and above all of what went down there, Neil has just been forced into telling Andrew more personal information than he’s ever told anyone. After a night of abuse he feels trapped, like resistance is futile, so he gives in. Saying he wants to be part of Andrew’s crew doesn’t count as consent when his hand is being forced. 

Even though scenes towards the end of the series show Neil beginning to learn how to control Andrew and the two of them coming to stand on a more level ground, their relationship is one built on abuse and violence, and it’s important not to forget that. It’s unrealistic that Neil would come to trust Andrew, honestly. And having the abusive, more mature character give Neil his first ever relationship and teach him that he’s gay (or bi, or whatever he is) is not a good look. Especially when this book has everything else I’ve already mentioned. Especially when Nora is, once again, a grown ass straight woman. 

Nicky And Andrew Are Two Terrible People Being Terrible To Each Other And Actually I Hate Both Of Them 

So Nicky’s predatory and Andrew is violent and their relationship is as unhealthy as can get. Andrew’s relationships with Nicky and Aaron are both unhealthy, but Aaron’s much less so, so I’m just gonna get into Nicky today because I’ve been writing for almost 3 hours and I kinda wanna die right about now. 

We’ve already established that I don’t like either of them. But let me be clear, it takes a lot for me to admit that Andrew “knives hidden up my sleeves” Minyard is right in any situation. And yet, in pretty much any situation where he threatens Nicky, it’s easy to see him as the good guy, at least up until a certain point. 

Andrew is a bad person. He’s violent and manipulative and has no regard for people’s boundaries. Nicky is arguably worse, painting himself as the peacemaker while being horrifically predatory. 

(A point on Nicky: Nora spends pretty much all of the first book showing Nicky as predatory, then abandons it entirely for the next two books, making it easy to forget the kind of person he is. Just because the predatory behavior stops doesn’t excuse it. Just because Nora thinks one lousy apology makes Nicky a good person suddenly, doesn’t mean it does.)

I’m gonna paste in a pretty massive chunk of text from the foxhole court, but I think it’s all important, so bear with me. 

“Andrew is scary territorial of him. He punched me the first time I said I’d like to get Kevin too wasted to be straight.” Nicky pointed at his face, presumably where Andrew had decked him. “So yeah, I’m going to crush on safer targets until Andrew gets bored of him. That means you, since Matt’s taken and I don’t hate myself enough to try Seth. Congrats.” “Can you take the creepy down a level?” Aaron asked. “What?” Nicky asked. “He said he doesn’t swing, so obviously he needs a push.” ... “Nicky’s scheming to rape Neil,” Aaron said. “There are a couple flaws in his plan he needs to work out first, but he’ll get there sooner or later.” “You’re such an asshole,” Nicky said as he started for the door. “Wow, Nicky,” Andrew said. “You start early.” “Can you really blame me?” ... Andrew caught Nicky’s jersey in one hand and threw him hard up against the wall... “Hey Nicky,” Andrew said in stage-whisper German. “Don’t touch him, you understand?”  “You know I’d never hurt him. If he says yes-”  “I said no.”  Jesus, you’re greedy,” Nicky said. “You already have Kevin, what does it-” He went silent, but it took Neil a moment to realize why. Andrew had a short knife pressed to Nicky’s jersey...Neil knew Andrew meant it. If Nicky so much as breathed wrong right now, Andrew would cut his lungs to ribbons, any and all consequences be damned. 

 So there’s a lot to unpack there. I loose Andrew at the point where he’s ready to murder, but though he’s extreme as fuck, it’s not like he’s unjustified. We learn later from his backstory why he’s so extreme in shutting down any behavior he sees predatory, and rightfully so. (Even though there’s still Eden’s Twilight soon after this... it’s Nora’s incompetent writing isn’t it.) Nicky is a creep. He’s an adult. He has a fiance. And he’s talking about how he’s going to coerce a teenager into having sex with him because he won’t tell him his sexuality. 

He says he wouldn’t do anything without consent, but we know that’s not true. He’s just saying what Andrew wants to hear. 

And as for Andrew, though his violence is excused by backstory and mental problems, it’s a big fucking deal. He nearly killed his cousin, who we know he feels at least some sort of fondness for, because it’s established at this point that the reason he’s so heavily medicated is for attacking men who threatened Nicky. Would he regret it later? It’s impossible to say. He killed Aaron’s mom and assumed Aaron would be grateful. He’s threatened or attacked pretty much every member of the Not Lacrosse team. And I honestly don’t know what Nora is trying to tell us about him. He gets tamer once he’s permanently off his medication, but he was violent before it. I suppose that’s because by then Neil has learned how to calm him down, but is that the message? Abuse a boy into hanging out with you and eventually he’ll be a boyfriend who knows how to deal with you? 

Nicky is a predator and Andrew is a violent abuser and neither of them are the good guys and that’s the only conclusion I can possibly draw from the way they’re written. 

Assorted noteworthy moments that didn’t fit into any larger part: 

the part in trk where Nicky’s parents are homophobic and he tells them he loves his fiance and this is the moment that’s supposed to make us sympathize with him? “The sexual predator has homophobic Christian parents feel sad for him” nice try Nora but he’s not getting shit in the way of sympathy from me, your straight is showing

the part in tfc when Seth says the f-slur is bad because uh. Nora that’s not your word to say

bonus Nicky is predatory bit: Nicky waggled a hand at Aaron. “Quick, have we said anything totally incriminating these past few months?” “Aside from your endless inappropriate comments about what you’d like to do to [Neil], I don’t think so.” (tfc pg 239) 

Kevin is also manipulative! I felt like covering it would be a bit of a rehash of Andrew and this was getting really long but he continually uses exy as leverage to get Neil to do things he feels will put him in danger the same way Andrew uses threats of sharing his secrets. 

bonus bonus Nicky is predatory bit (I’m discovering more and more as I go): Nicky’s stare was appreciative when Neil returned, but for once he kept his mouth shut. (tfc pg 243) Is this supposed to be character growth? Being predatory without explicitly saying anything is barely better Nora!! (Side note, in this same scene Nicky does make a comment about Neil jacking off in the bathroom stall which? Seems kinda bad considering everything else with him?)

I didn’t touch on it very much because no one cares about it and it’s way harder to convince people poor writing about drug abuse is bad than poor writing about sexual assault is bad (even though it shouldn’t be, and i could have tried both but again. long post) but Nora’s attitude to drugs and alcohol is bad. Every character and their mom is addicted to something, with Kevin and Andrew being the most obvious touched on (also Seth but I don’t think anyone cares about him), and Nora’s attitude towards writing it is quite frankly disgusting. She’s offensively misinformed and it pisses me off to no end. But that’s a rant for another day.

Every sex scene between Neil and Andrew is gross. (I think there’s two of them from what I remember? At least two, maybe more.) I googled plenty and I couldn’t find Nora’s age anywhere, but I know for a fact that she’s an adult, and I also know the series took her 13 years to write, so I’m fairly sure she’s at least in her 30s. 

I know I said I wasn’t gonna complain about bad writing but. It’s so bad y’all, and I honestly think it gets worse as the books go along. Every time Neil monologued it took a year off my life. 

So yeah. There’s a lot that’s fucked up about the foxhole court. And the worst part of it is that it never gets better. Andrew makes marginal improvement, but Nicky never does. Nora writes shock value scenes until the series end (I didn’t write about the scene in tkm where Neil gets tortured because it’s the same shock value effect of the thanksgiving chapter in a different sort of way but it’s also bad). I am of the honest belief that this book is far too fucked up to salvage. This is my official tfc bad masterpost, because every time I criticize it someone wants to know more. But I’m also putting it in the fandom tags because it annoys me to no end that y’all support these books, and I’m hoping I can at least change someone’s mind. 

How can I be passionate about life again? It's been really hard these last few years and it seems to be worse since I'm a junior in college and I just feel like I'm going through the motions and I'm not really living life.

I could say read your Bible more often, pray more often, count your blessings more often, eat healthier, exercise more, do more of the things you love….but I’ll tell you something different, something you can do now that will ultimately lead to being more passionate about that list I just made. Here’s a quick story about me first. I had a lot of struggles growing up since I can remember back when, especially throughout my teen years. This is actually my testimony you’re going to read if you don’t know about my past yet. I am a victim of abuse (physical, emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse). My own father was my abuser. I look back in life and I could say I didn’t deserve all the pain and hurt, but because I’ve come out of it a more confident, stronger, wiser, resilient, patient, and faithful Christian, I don’t regret or am ashamed all that I had to go through. It was for my own good that I’ve come to accept. It takes a lot for me to get sad over a matter or get sensitive over something that someone else might otherwise have thought was a mean or rude thing to tell me. Maybe because I’ve grown to tolerate a lot….I hope I don’t come across as someone who has just become so emotionally cold and because of it, prideful. I sincerely have changed my outlook on emotions and it’s not in any way negative, and it’s because God has transformed my mind. I am however more sensitive to the hurts and pains of others, not in an empathetic “poor you” way, but in a manner that strives to help you “understand more about yourself” way. My dad’s love was very tough and because of this ugly character he used to have, I drew myself closer and closer to God, our Heavenly Father. No matter how much pain I’ve endured, Jesus endured so much more. It’s oftentimes the poorest in spirit that find the most comfort in God because out of desperation He is their last and only hope. That’s why 2 Corinthians 12:9-11 is such good scripture to meditate on…

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

There are testimonies of people in all walks of life who have made drastic turnarounds by professing Christ as their Savior. They are ex-prisoners, ex-gangsters, ex-drug users, celebrities that used to work for the entertainment business, even ex-porn stars, cancer survivors, former atheists….before they gave their lives to Christ, the one thing they all had in common was that they were poor in spirit. They did not at first recognize or acknowledge how badly in shape their spirits were in, but once they did and did something about it by turning to God in desperation, He gave them a kind of strength that could only be found in Him.

In Matthew 5:3-12 it says, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

I gave my life to Christ and heard of this scripture even before the abuse got worse, but it did not stick with me until years later after I had run away. I rededicated my life to Christ and years after the abuse stopped I had gotten comfortable with my old habits and it wasn’t until then when I realized I didn’t have to experience bad things happening to me to get back on track. Oftentimes it takes extremely difficult experiences for people to change their ways. They need a wake-up call. It takes fear for them to finally get motivated. It could be a breakup, a divorce, losing a job, getting thrown out of the house, a terrible car accident, losing someone they love to illness….those who are the most desperate for change are the ones that actually do something positive with the whatever situation they’re in, and those who easily lose hope and give up go into a deep depression. I’ve learned not to wait for those very difficult times and this is how I do it….I simply practice HUMILITY. I can’t emphasize this enough. SURRENDER AS OFTEN AS YOU REMEMBER IN A DAY. BEGIN WITH GOD EARLY IN THE MORNING. END WITH GOD AT NIGHT. LEARN BY RECOGNIZING WHAT AREAS IN LIFE YOUR PRIDE SHOWS UP IN. AS YOU’RE YIELDING TO CHRIST, REMEMBER WHAT HE DID FOR YOU. YOU ARE NOT YOUR OWN, YOU WERE BOUGHT AT A PRICE, YOU HAVE NOTHING AND ARE NOTHING WITHOUT GOD, CONFESS YOUR PRIDE AND OTHER SINS AND GENUINELY REPENT. PRACTICE THIS AS MANY TIMES AS YOU HAVE TO EVERYDAY AND YOUR HUMBLENESS WILL BE AS NATURAL AS BREATHING. YOU’LL EXPERIENCE MORE PEACE AND JOY BECAUSE YOU’LL ALSO BE MORE AWARE OF ALL THE GOODNESS AND BLESSINGS GOD PUTS INTO YOUR LIFE.

When I ran away from home and didn’t see my parents for a year, I could remember 6 of those months were the happiest months of my life. It wasn’t because I was away from my dad, well maybe partly…but it was mainly because I had a lot of alone time with God and that’s when I truly began to love myself by getting to know Him more. It was a streak on the mountaintop because I tried the best I could to acknowledge God everywhere I went. I didn’t know at the time that what I was actually doing was surrendering everyday. When you acknowledge God and I mean not just remember He’s present, but simply remembering He sent His Son to die for you, and accepting Jesus as that grace you don’t deserve, knowing how much He actually did for you to have your life where you get to have God as your guide should make you fall to your knees and grieve for how selfish you have been for making life about yourself. Humbling myself made me fall in love with Him more and more, which in turn made me love myself more, which made me more passionate about sharing His love simply by spreading my joy. I am not 24/7 nearly gung-ho and as excited about life as I was then, but overall I definitely appreciate life more now whether I’m in the valley or up on the mountaintop, I have joy because I still take Jesus with me everywhere I go. Some people are fine acknowledging God only once or twice a day, some need to acknowledge Him 20 times a day. Whatever it takes…know that God will be pleased with you for your efforts.

There’s a similar issue I was presented with I think a year ago. Anon asked  how they could be more passionate about reading the Bible because they felt they were just reading it without really getting into it…they needed motivation basically. I can’t remember all that I said, except the part where in order for anyone to get the most out of Bible reading, you have to approach it as if you were a pauper. I believe Bible reading gets boring because we subconsciously think either we won’t get anything much from it or understand anything, or we think we already know a lot when it comes to wisdom. What that is is actually pride but we are not aware of it. There is a fundamental order to prayer and it starts with adoration/praise, then confession, thanksgiving, supplication/prayer requests - ACTS. The first 2, adoration and confession go first because if done sincerely, it should put the one praying in a state of humility. You must be humble when approaching God before realizing He has actually given you a lot (thanks) and before asking him anything your heart desires (supplication). And as Christians we’re suppose to pray a lot throughout the day, enough that it becomes second nature, because really all it is is practicing His presence by talking to God (verbally or mindfully) as if He’s there living and breathing like a real person who’s your really good friend. So approach God with humility by surrendering and praising Him before asking Him that you want to have more passion for life or anything you desire out of life. Acknowledge that you are poor in spirit…I know you probably already know that you are in that state right now, but you should mention it to God too every time you approach Him. Expound on it, be honest with your feelings. “When I am weak, then I am strong. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. God is my guide. He will only give me what I can handle. With Him all things are possible.” Those are God’s promises I put on repeat in my head anytime I can tell my world is about to be shaken. So basically, HUMBLE YOURSELF BY ACKNOWLEDGING YOU ARE WEAK AND YOU NEED GOD’S STRENGTH. BE HONEST WITH YOUR WEAKNESS BUT ALSO DO THE BEST YOU CAN TO FOCUS ON GOD’S POWER OVER YOU THROUGH PRAISE. PRAISE HIM BY MAGNIFYING HIS GREATNESS INSTEAD OF YOUR WEAKNESS. REMEMBER TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITY TO PRAY THROUGHOUT THE DAY, AND HE WILL BLESS YOU WITH PASSION FOR LIFE, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, PASSION FOR GOD. That’s my whole but simple secret for true joy. Thank you for this. I will be praying for you! :)

Colossians 3:23 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,

1 Corinthians 10:31 So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

Luke 14:11 For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

Proverbs 11:2 When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.

Psalm 149:4 For the LORD takes delight in his people; He crowns the humble with victory.

Philippians Chapter 2 - Imitating Christ’s Humility

By His Grace, Sheela (Via godfirstgodalways)

it’s time to share my story...

PART ONE:

I’ve started this blog many times over… I was never really sure how to begin it, where to begin it, but at this point, I know I just need to write it. I apologize in advanced because this is going to be so scattered, bear with me, it will all make sense at the end… hopefully!

About four months ago, a friend posted on Facebook asking for individuals to share their stories with mental illness, so she could incorporate them into an art piece she’s been creating and I responded. Four months ago, I was writing my recovery story, my “I Conquered This” story, but that’s not even close to the story I am writing today.

Below, I am going to share with you my “I Conquered This” story, keep in mind, I am no longer in this headspace, but it gives a good background to my life, so it will let you get to know me.

4/27/18 - I was 18 when I realized that something didn’t feel quite right anymore. I had just entered college, I was having the best time of my life, and that’s when it hit me - the panic. By the end of my first quarter at school, I was having a handful of mild panic attacks a week. I didn’t know what they were, just that my heart would race and I would feel lightheaded for a few minutes, but then they would pass and I would feel ‘normal’ again. I returned home for Thanksgiving, welcoming a much needed break and hopefully a chance to reset my head, only for days later to experience what I thought would be the end of my life. I was sitting in the movie theater with my family when my heart started to do the racing thing again, I tried to breathe through it, but it wasn’t stopping this time. In fact, my hands were starting to tingle and my lips were going numb. Was I dying? I turned to my sister and said, “I think I’m having a heart attack.” I raced out of the theater, collapsed in the hallway where I was soon crowded by my family and people trying to help. I was carried to the car, rushed to the hospital that was just a few minutes away, where they ran all the tests and tried to figure out what - if anything - was wrong. Physically, I was okay - mentally, not so much. The doctors asked me if I had any similar symptoms before, I said yes, but not nearly to that extent. They told me to seek psychiatric help and that was that. What I didn’t know was that was the start of the most trying six weeks of my life.

Following that night, my anxiety only got worse. I was having full-on panic attacks multiple times a day. I didn’t want to leave the house because I was scared of having an episode in public, and it became so debilitating that I was starting to think about whether or not I even wanted to continue on anymore. On New Years Eve of 2013, I couldn’t leave my room to go celebrate with friends or even join my parents’ for dinner downstairs. My mom told me that night, if I continued like this, she wouldn’t let me return to school. Little did she know, that the thought of being back with my new friends, and the new boy that I had fallen for was the only thing that was keeping me alive. I begged her to let me go, and she did. I think it was easier for her than to watch me.

For the next several months, I fought against my panic, I told myself it was just a phase. I spent too many hours in hospitals  or doctors’ offices, trying to convince them there was something physically wrong, something to explain why this was happening to me. A heart disorder? No. An autoimmune disorder? Nope. All the blood work, EKGs, and whatever else they tested for came back normal. So it was all just in my head. This was the hardest part for me to understand, that anxiety could manifest such dramatic physical symptoms. After seeking help from a counselor that worked with the school and trying to sort out nearly two decades of problems that I had repressed, my anxiety began to dwindle. It became manageable.

In counseling, I started telling secrets from life that I had never spoken out loud. I told this woman my story, leaving nothing out. I was desperate for help and setting my mind free of my past was the only way I saw out. I told her of my drug abuse, of my alcohol abuse, and of being abused.  I told her about when I twelve years old, and I had tried committing suicide. That I didn’t really think I knew what I was doing at the time, I just knew I was in pain and I wanted to stop hurting. That I tried drowning myself, and not longer after, I wanted to know what suffocating felt like. That I was struggling, and then I overdosed. That I was terrified and that I didn’t tell anyone.

I told her that when I entered high school, I was a shell of a person. I was stealing liquor for my parents’ supply - a ’normal’ teenage rite of passage. But how my friends weren’t making themselves screwdrivers after school or drinking themselves to sleep to pass out. They weren’t stealing their dad’s prescriptions to disappear for the night or a day or two. How they didn’t take Vicodin before school, only to end up in the nurse’s office puking, pretending to have a severe stomach bug to cover it up.  How they didn’t lose their virginity at fourteen to a twenty-eight year old stranger they met on the street who bought them alcohol, how they didn’t come out of blackout being fucked in a New York City alley by a drug dealer.

And then she asked me why I thought I did all of that.

Unlike some, I wasn’t born with a mental illness; although, I may have been predisposed due to a family history, but truly a series of shit life events and another drug overdose really triggered it when I was 18. Before that, I was just trying to numb myself and numb the pain, but eventually it became too much and one day I had to face it.

The first time I ever told someone I was molested, I was at camp, I was twelve, and I had just run away crying from a boy who tried to reach into my shorts. I told my friend, and then I told myself I couldn’t tell anyone else ever again because then I would be that girl who got molested. The second time, I told her. Then I told myself, ok I got it out, now I’ll be fine and the anxiety will go away. And it did for a bit.

For a couple years, it went on the back burner with the occasional flare up. Flash forward to a month before my senior year, I had just gone through a pretty devastating breakup with the boy I had fallen for three years before and I had forgotten how to feel again. I entered a numb stage until the spring, when finally my mind stopped avoiding what had been going on and I found myself spiraling into a deep depressive state. All the sudden I was drowning in my mental illness again and I had ignored all the warning signs. I was having more panic attacks, I was scared to be alone, but also wouldn’t leave my room, which I hadn’t cleaned for months. So then one morning, last May, I woke up next to a friend I had been staying with and thought that was it. I told her to drive me to the hospital, I was going crazy. I called my mom, told her I was going crazy, I needed help and she needed to come take me home.

The hospital didn’t commit me - even though I asked several times - they told me I was having just another panic attack. My mom flew in that day and took me home the next. I decompressed there for two weeks, until I was ready to get back to my life. I was referred to a therapist by a close friend, and found my new woman. I told her everything again, and more - a lot had happened in the two years that I stopped counseling, a lot that I had begun to repress again. That was ten months ago.

Today, I still see this woman. I am not ready to discontinue therapy, even though I’m arguably healthier, happier, and more mentally stable than I’ve been in my entire life. I know what is at the root of my issues and I know that doesn’t just disappear in ten months. I know I still have destructive habits that I need to work on, and I know my mental illness so much more. I know that some days, I will experience disassociation, I will experience complete sadness, I will experience anxiety. I know that there will be worse days and there will be better ones. And I know that if I continue to work on myself and be honest to myself, the bad ones will be few and far between. But I also know that my mental illness is a part of me, and if it does show up now and again, I will say hi, I will see what it wants, and then I will show it the door and say see you later. At the end of the day that’s all I really can do, and I’m okay with that because I’m finally okay with my mental illness...

Survey #473

“please don’t make any sudden moves  /  you don’t know the half of the abuse”

Who are the 3 people you love the most? My mom, Sara, and Girt. Last person you slept in the same bed with? Sara. When is the last time you took a picture of yourself? It's been quite a long time. When was your first kiss? March of 2012. Have you recently been sick? No. Don't jinx it, especially these days. What song are you listening to? A slowed down version of "Heathens" by twenty one pilots. I REALLY like it. Do you drink soda often? Every day. :x Would you ever move somewhere like Hawaii? NOOOOOOO. I would NEVER survive living in the tropics. Have you ever had to call 911? Why? Twice for my mom. Once we thought she was having a heart attack, and the second time she had such bad abdominal pain that she was almost entirely immobilized. It was that day we found out about the cancer. Do you get out a lot? God no. Name 3 things you really like about yourself (not physical). I have a lot of empathy, I love and care a lot about animals, and I care a lot about what other people feel and always wanna make people feel better. Name 3 things you hate about yourself (not physical). My anxiety is #1, then there's how lazy I can be, and how I jump to conclusions. Would you ever consider having an abortion? If I was raped, it was ectopic (that barely even counts as one, though...), or it greatly endangered my life, yes. In which state/country were you born? North Carolina, U.S.A. Have you ever had to be put on medicine for a mental disorder? Yeah, quite a lot... I've gone through probably around three dozen different psych meds since middle school. White chocolate or milk chocolate? Milk. I can eat white chocolate in small doses, but it's generally too sweet for me. Have you ever been to an amusement park out of state? Yeah, Disney World in Florida. Would you consider yourself a crafty person? No. I'm much better at putting stuff on paper than creating stuff with my hands. What would you say is your favorite color of all time? Baby pink! Have you ever been responsible for someone’s death? Y E E S H no. Do you ever spend the night with your significant other? Not yet. We're still iffy about sleeping in the same spot though because of my sleep apnea nightmares. My new mask seems to be working great, though; I haven't had a nightmare in like a week (and keep in mind they're usually every single night), I'm just WAY too scared to lash out at him in my sleep. I need a longer period of proof it's functioning well. Do you know a lot about serial killers? No. Have the police ever been looking for you? Yes, actually. One time when my sisters, a friend, and I were at the beach, we went walking by the shore at night, after we thought we told our parents we were going. Apparently, we didn't, or they didn't hear us, because my mom was an absolute collapsing wreck and called the police to search for us. We got back to the hotel so confused, and I'll never forget how Mom was crying. Where do you get most of your accessories from? I wanna say Hot Topic? Do you cuss more than anyone else you know? Yes, actually. Have there ever been any serial killers around your hometown? Idk. Did your parents live in a different country before you were born? No. What’s something you’ve experienced that very few others have? I'd say going to a psych hospital five or six times isn't exactly common. I am so fucking glad those days are over. Do you know anyone who’s related to a current or former world leader? Not to my knowledge, no. Do you do your own taxes, or do you hire a professional? I don't have taxes. Do you have a home security system? No, but damn do I want one. What’s something you don’t think people take seriously enough? Our environmental crises, like global warming, deforestation, fossil fuels... basically just anything that involves us murdering the environment. People just don't fucking care because it's not "personal" enough, I guess. Or a fast-acting downfall. It's slow, insidious, and because of that, people think it's no biggie because it won't affect them in their lifetime and shit like that. Have you ever gotten sick from someone else’s cooking? Yes. My stomach is very, very sensitive to food it hasn't had before, especially if it's a complex recipe with lots of ingredients. What was the last kind of cheese you ate? American, on a turkey sandwich I made the other day. Have you ever abused any substance? Just Pepto Bismol. When I was in middle school, I was absolutely convinced every single day that I was going to throw up (no, I didn't actually feel sick every day; it was anxiety and just concocted in my head), so I would go to the bathroom at some point every day in school to take a pill. The habit only stopped when we ran out one day and Mom didn't get a new bottle immediately. I had to face the school day without it and, obviously, was just fine. What was the last fun thing you did? Caught up on some Tarantula Collective videos, probs. Have you ever dated someone who had a child from a previous relationship? No. Is there any drama currently going on with your family? Nah. What was the last fruit or vegetable you chopped/sliced up? An apple. When you take a nap, do you nap in bed or on the couch? In my bed. Have you ever been called a whore? No. Pretty far from one. What kind of phone do you have? It's a Tracfone. I'm ready to get a new, better one. Do you like hot chocolate? Love itttt. Do you know anyone with an STD? Yes. Are you afraid of deep water? Not as much as most people, it seems. Do you get dizzy easily? I naturally have alarmingly low blood pressure, only made worse by medication, so trust me, I sure as hell do. Have you ever been thrown up on? LKAJSDLKFJAKLWJEKLWJERLK NO Have you ever thrown up on someone? Maybe as a baby? How many times have you thrown up from being so drunk? Zero. Does the sound of fireworks scare you? No, not if I know it's coming. Otherwise I'll probably jump a bit, fearing it being a gunshot. What’s your favorite firework? I don't know how to identify fireworks, ha ha. But generally just the really big, colorful ones. Have you ever been beat up? No. Have you ever seen a jellyfish? Only in aquariums. Do you cry when you get angry? Yes. I cry to cope with a ton of emotions. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Plan on it. What do you think people really think about you? That I'm an awkward, reclusive, leeching lowlife without goals I'll actually chase. God, that's painful to think about, what people see from the outside. What’s your favorite part about Thanksgiving? Nothing. I don't like Thanksgiving. I have to spend it every single year with horribly conservative, bigoted fucks. I hate Thanksgiving food, too. How many best friends do you have? One. What kind of car is your favorite? I don't know. Sleek, elegant ones. Do you prefer pens or pencils? Pencils. When did you go to sleep last night? Not 'til like... around 4 in the morning. Do you know anyone who’s had a stillbirth? I'm sure I do. I know MANY people who have had miscarriages. Are there any redheads in your family? I don't believe so, no. Which YouTuber do you feel like you relate to the most? Ummm maybe Morgan Adams, except I'm not funny lmao. What theme do you want for your wedding? Gothic. What theme would you choose for a baby’s nursery? Purely hypothetically, I'd probably choose pastel colors and baby animals for a daughter, and then little cute dinosaurs for a boy. Does your first crush know that he/she was your first crush? No. Do you know your first crush’s middle name? No. Who do you wish you could go on another date with? I'm happy only going on dates with my current boyfriend. Which family member did you get your height from? My mom. We're pretty much the same. Do you feel stupid regularly? ALWAYS. What style of wedding dress do you want? Most likely a ball gown one with a sweetheart top. Definitely subject to change, though; I honestly just love wedding dresses and would want to actually see how I look in varying styles, except mermaid. Mermaid gowns look AWFUL on 99% of people imo. Who was the last friend of yours to have a baby, and what’s the baby’s name? My high school band friend Marcus, his wife had their first baby just the other day. I'm blanking on her name right now. Who is the cutest baby you’ve seen on social media recently? Bindi Irwin's daughter Grace is like illegally cute. What is your opinion on Arby’s? I hate that shit. What is your favorite doughnut? Just an original glazed from Krispy Kreme fuckin does it for me man. But I just love donuts in general. Do you have a hot tub? If so, where is it located? We poor, hunny. What is your favorite party game? I don't really have one, given I don't exactly go to parties. Do you or your parents rake your yard? It doesn't need to be raked. My dad used to occasionally when my parents were still together. Have you won anything recently? No. How often do you make Excel tables? What for? Never. What was the last baby animal you saw in the wild? Umm I want to say I saw a young squirrel dash out of the road semi-recently? Do you like drag queens? If so, got any favourites? Drag queens are, well, fucking queens. I love them. Trixie Mattel is high on the list. How about drag kings? You know... somehow it never struck me that this term existed???? I'm dumb. But anyway, I think it's still awesome. I don't know any (I think?) though. Would it bother you, if your partner had cut contact with their parents? If he had good reason to, it wouldn't bother me. His father is no longer living, but I could not even imagine him cutting contact with his mother since he helps the woman so much and cares a shitload for her. As someone who relates to what I know of her and what she's gone through, I'd definitely be concerned if he cut ties with her. It'd almost feel like an insult to me, too, if that makes sense? Like I'd be scared I was next. Have you ever wondered whether you were adopted? As a kid, yes. I sometimes thought my mom didn't love me as much as my sisters, so I had an episode where I wondered. Have you ever grown a berry bush? No.

My Abuser

I have gone back and forth for years about whether I ever wanted to share about my abuse in my blog. Today, while eating breakfast, it hit me, and I realized that I needed to. Not just for myself, but for anybody whom is currently going through what I am, or maybe is still being abused and doesn't know what to do about it.

My abuser, like most, was someone very close to me—a family member and someone I felt very connected to. However, the relationship was toxic, and was for my whole life. Only 3 and ½ years ago did I finally face my abuse, and my abuser, and end the relationship. The abuse was going on for over 21 years. And before it started with me, it happened with someone else—until that person realized she was being abused and got out of the situation—and then it transferred to me.

So much of what kept me from sharing my abuse story, is that sexual abuse, like mental illness, is still something that is taboo to talk about. But here we are.

To start, my sexual abuse was not all physical. To clarify beyond that, the abuse wasn't even physical molestation. My abuser molested me mentally and emotionally, by talking about my body, in teasing, joking, and praising my physical beauty—my breasts, my “voluptuous” shape, my sex appeal, and also about his body—how well-endowed he was, his sexual experiences, what turned him on, etc.

The physical touch only accompanied the verbal abuse—resting his hands on my waist/hips, rubbing and squeezing my things, and hugging me so tight that my breasts pressed hard against his chest. The last straw with the physical touch was at a family Thanksgiving party.

At every chance he got to hug me, I was sitting down, and he would slide his right hand, fingers spread, groping, all the way up my left thigh to my bottom. My husband, Jack, watched in horror as this person was grooming him to see how far he could push the limits without Jack intervening.

However, because this person was so loved and defended by me my whole life, Jack never reacted. Only after I was sobbing on the way home from the party and couldn't let Jack even put his hand on my shoulder to comfort me, did he tell me that I needed to tell this person how I felt.

The rest of the way home from the party in Perry, Ut to our home in Layton, half an hour away, I spent my time writing a letter over social media messenger to this person about how I felt. I told him how uncomfortable I was and about how I couldn't even let my husband touch me because I was so upset. My letter was met with an apology that I felt the way that I did, but that those were not his intentions and that he only ever had the purest intentions toward me.  

After this incident, I decided to speak to a therapist to help me figure out what to do. Especially where, not only was this family member sexually abusing me, but had started grooming my 3 year old daughter.

At parties or visits, he would take my beautiful, little blonde, blue eyed daughter away from the group so that he could be with her alone—whether it was in her room, outside, or another room in the house, he wanted to be alone with her, and felt entitled to be.

Not only this, but the dirty jokes and teasing about my body started coming out while my daughter was around. He doted on her. He gave her gifts. He praised her for everything she did. He posted pictures of her on social media of them spending time together and about how beautiful she was and about how they must be kindred spirits and must have known each other in the previous life, etc.. Anything that I ever posted about her on social media, he would go on and on about her to the point that several people reached out to me and my husband to be wary of the way he was acting toward our daughter and that it wasn't normal.

For awhile, when my daughter was about 18 months old, I went back to work and even let my abuser babysit her, even though I knew what he was capable of. I don't know why I trusted that he wouldn't do anything to her, but these narcissistic abusers are very capable of persuasion, making your fears about them seem petty, and even that you, yourself, are the one in the wrong. There's a word for that—it's called “gaslighting.”

I still beat myself up for letting my abuser tend my little daughter, and then just letting him be around her for as long as I did in general. I don't know if he ever touched her, and there have never been any indications, that I noticed, that she was ever abused. Regardless, I will still never forgive myself for letting him be alone with her.

Four months after the Thanksgiving incident, I finally wrote my abuser a letter to cut ties with him. Before you read on, be aware that it is somewhat graphic. I have edited to censor names.

March 11, 2018

It is with so much pain and sorrow that I begin this letter. I'm not even really sure where to start. After months of deliberation, the last two weeks of discussions with my therapist, making lists, soul searching, scripture study, prayer, and the last two days of an emotional breakdown of battling my strong answer given weeks ago from my Heavenly Father versus my natural, temporal emotions, I have come to the very difficult decision to ask you to no longer be a part of mine or my family's lives.

I never want to see you again. And it's not because I hate you. Lord, help me! It's because I love you so much! I love you unconditionally. And I know that if I saw you, all of the good times would come flooding back, and I would want to change my mind! But as much as I love you, I have to remember my first priority. And that is to my family. To my little girl and being her parent. Her protection is my responsibility.

After what happened this last Thanksgiving, among other things, all of the memories of you saying and doing inappropriate things started resurfacing in my mind. I decided that I really needed to talk to a therapist about it. I've talked to Jack and a couple of close friends about some of the things that you have done in the past and none of them have been able to understand why I keep seeing you and especially why I keep taking risks with [my daughter]. I think Jack has always just trusted my judgment and figured that I would keep [my daughter] safe and not let you and [my daughter] be alone together. But when he found out that you like to have “one on one” time with her as often as you do, that really worried him.

From an early age you exposed me to a lot of sexual information. You let me watch sex scenes on TV and in movies. You told me about the birds and the bees in graphic detail. Once, right after I sneezed when I was a little girl, you told me that sneezing was an eighth of an orgasm. You told me what the “get yourself a spin cycle” joke meant from the movie “The Great Outdoors” when I hadn't even asked what it meant. You told me a story of a lady who used to put peanut butter on her vagina and let her dog lick it off in her kitchen and one time her husband and all of their mutual friends walked in on her. 

You told me that you had the biggest penis of all of your brothers and then told me whom ranked next all the way down the line. You told me that I had a “gum drop” nose and when I didn't understand what you meant, you explained it to me that it meant it looked like the head of a penis. You showed me a container of something once, and told me that that was how big your penis was.

 When I was in the third grade, I tried on some new pants and you told me that my butt looked good in them and that all the boys in my class would like how good my butt looked in them. After puberty you talked about how I had a nice heart shaped butt, and big boobs like my mom. Since then, most of the inappropriate talk has been about my breasts and their size. How I'm a “poor girl” because I have my “mom's curse.” “Ample food supply for [my daughter],” etc..

 When I was about 16, [my sister] and I were changing in the blue room at Grandma's house, and [my brother] was being a punk and kept knocking on the door to bug us, but we kept shouting at him to tell him that we were changing, when all of a sudden someone barged in. We thought it was [my brother], but it was you. Later you said that you didn't see anything except for my butt and the side of my boob.

 You told Me and [my sister] that you “knew” that I shaved “downstairs” and that she didn't when we were teenagers. There are many other situations, but these are just a few of the examples off the top of my head.

 You have also touched/rubbed my thighs on many occasions. It used to really bother [my high school sweetheart] and now it really bothers Jack. I have asked you stop both the inappropriate talk and touch before and you haven't. Not only that, but you have switched the issue back onto me as if I am the one with a touching/privacy problem—that I am just a “private person.” 

I won't mention all of the other things that I have heard that have happened with [the person you abused before me], [my sister], and with [my brother] on the matter of sexual inappropriateness. This is not what this letter is about, however I think that they are some things that you should personally reflect on and try to repent for. 

Again, I love you unconditionally. I've obviously been able to overlook all of those things up until this point because we have continued to have a close relationship where we talk and visit each other on a regular basis. But what happened on Thanksgiving shook me to my core. Not only was your hand continually sliding up my thigh with every hug you gave me, but there was also the fact that Jack saw what was going on, noticed how upset that I was, but didn't feel like he could do anything about it because of how much I get after him about needing to be nice to you. I cried the whole way home, and couldn't let Jack touch me at all for the rest of the night.

 I will always remember the good times, I promise. I will remember watching Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings with you. I will remember our discussions about books and music and movies. I will remember the camping, hunting, and fishing trips. I will remember all of the special, little, nice things that you've done for me, [my daughter], and Jack.

 I will remember all of the choir concerts and programs that you've come to. Don't think for a second that I have forgotten all of these things! I have shed so many tears in coming to this decision. And I know you love [my daughter]. I know you love her so much. And I am so so sorry. But I am doing what I believe is best for her. Because you care about her so much, I know that you will understand me doing everything that I think is necessary to keep her safe. My heart is as heavy as I can ever remember it being right now.

I love you so much. And I always, always will.

McKell

My letter was met with anger--accusing me of being crazy and a liar. I was told that no one would believe me, that I knew what I was doing was wrong and that it would break my grandma's heart to know that I could do such a thing.

I took his response as confirmation that I was absolutely doing the right thing. Not only was my abuser a pedophile and a sexual pervert, but a narcissist as well. And even just getting out of a relationship with a narcissist is a healthy step in the right direction.

I meant to keep the situation quiet and continue to have relationships with the rest of my family members on that side of the family, but my abuser took the matter to as many family members as he could and tried to convince them of my insanity and dishonesty. It breaks my heart to say that very few believed me, and that most everyone took his side, and I was ostracized from my family. Does it hurt like hell? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I know with all my heart that I did the right thing. I know that I'm protecting myself and both my now 6 year old daughter, and my 2 year old daughter as well.

About 6 months to a year after I cut ties with my abuser, he got in trouble for child pornography. At that point, a few people who were on the fence about whether to believe me or not, decided to believe me. However, surprisingly, so many people still believed him over me, even though I had never done anything to make them think I would lie about something so serious, and he actually has a track record of dishonesty, laziness, and stealing, among other things.

If anyone who has read this is going through what I've gone through, I am so sorry and I feel for you. Keep going. Know that you're doing the best thing for you and that is perfectly alright. If anyone who has read this and is currently being abused, I urge you to get out of that toxic relationship/situation. It might be so hard, and even life altering, but you're life will be so much healthier. You will feel safer. You will be happier, I promise you.

McKell Hadlock

may the fifth

Many things in the world don't make a lot of sense, and when you ask why it happens, you get a million different answers.

Last weekend, I cleaned my home office, reorganizing and finding a place for certain things. I've got this box with stuff people have given me over the years, like a remote control car from my dad, a little green dinosaur that a friend in high school and I found, little knickknacks from family, and some little photo albums. When I picked up the little black one, I remember the shiver that crawled down my spine, hairs rose on my arms, and an ominous feeling grew in my stomach. I got the same feeling when DeeDee got really sick and the text I read that my Uncle Anthony was in the hospital with COVID. I flipped through the photo album, staring at the cigarette-yellowed vinyl pages and the cellophane that was peeling from the edges and then set it in the box. The album is twenty-seven years, five months, and five days old. I only give that semi-exact amount because the very first photo is of my father holding me the day I was born. The pictures that followed were the days I spent with my grandmother, her husband, aunt, uncles, and parents. There are moments of the first two years of my life in there.

See, when I was born, we lived right next to my grandmother. Every day, she would watch me while my parents were at work. All those days were filled with pictures, moments she needed to document, and even added word bubble stickers with funny phrases on them. It was the 90s; that was a thing, I suppose. My grandmother gave me this album in 2018 after Hurricane Florence destroyed her home. I've only looked at it three times, today being one of them.

When I was tiny, I was content with going to my grandmother's house on the weekends and during school breaks. Then as I got older, it wasn't enjoyable anymore. Her living conditions were poor in health and safety, which was by choice, much to my mother's frustration, and we got bored quickly. Out in the country with poor internet and no cable, what else were we supposed to do? She lived in a well over forty years old trailer at that point, and their "yard" was so overgrown and had snakes left and right. So we stopped going. I remember she got upset when my mother told her we weren't staying there anymore because of the giant holes in the floors which you could see the rotten wood, the overgrowth, and vermin outside, the rats that were in the walls, and the bugs that came from hell itself.

I'd see her on big holidays like our birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, ya know. But when I became an adult, it was different. I was more mature, thanks to the living conditions of my parent's home, and I saw and understood things a lot more than a normal eighteen-year-old would. She would buy things she didn't need, adopt animals she knew she couldn't take care of, hoard all of these things in her tiny trailer, and she was always in need of money. She stole money from my uncle, nearly draining his account, stole from my parents when I was little, and when her house was destroyed from the hurricane, she made decisions that insulted and disrespected my parents.

Such as inviting a meth addict she met at the shelter to their home without their permission. The cops had to show up because the addict tried stealing from my parents and got hysterically violent. She took advantage of my parent's hospitality, expected to be pampered and taken care of, and used the excuse that she was "old." My fiancé's father is two years younger and has the physical capabilities of someone in their 50s, and does not rely on others to do basic human necessities. All-day on Facebook, she would just sit there, scroll away, put up post after post of why she hated something. Buy smartphones she didn't really know how to use, multiple printers, cameras, the works. After I found out she was taking advantage of my father's help, the help he gave on the weekends, weekdays after the 9-hour shifts of his job, to help her move all her hoarded belongings, she made him feel like he wasn't good enough. That he was a bad son. She sent his mentality down a spiral where he went into a deep depression.

For years, he had spent trying to earn the love of both parents after being abandoned by his father in favor of his new wife's family and a mother who kept marrying abusive assholes and having to grow up in dysfunctional households. I developed a mentality at a young age that if anyone, it didn't matter if they were blood-related or not, if any of them made my parents or brother feel threatened or hurt in any way, they would be excommunicated. My paternal grandfather, my mother's sister, and my maternal grandfather have been cut out of my life. My grandmother got on this list, off of it, and then back on it again. My family's dysfunctional world made me want to live without rather than deal with all of them.

After I found out what she put my parents through, specifically my father, I was done. I didn't return her calls on my birthday for two years. She'd spam my Facebook page with these long heartfelt messages for the entire world to see, and it drove me nuts because I knew what she was doing. Trying to let the world know that she was the sweet old lady. But I knew. She was manipulative. The mental abuse was astounding.

Back to this ominous feeling, both DeeDee and my Uncle Anthony died shortly after I felt it.

My grandmother died last night. She had a nasty bit of problems in 2019-2020 and almost passed in December of 2020. Ever since December, she had been in and out of the hospital. Last night was her last time there. When my mother called, it was past seven, and that feeling came back. She never calls that late. I walked out to tell my fiancé, and I did choke up. I did have tears in my eyes. At first, I was because death made its presence. Then it was because of my father. While I highly disliked her, she was his mother. She was the first of my grandparents on either side to pass. My father is still dealing with his mental problems, and I knew this would tear him apart. All I wanted to do was drive to my parent's house and hug my father. The tears I have shed were for his loss and the memories I appreciated when I was very little.

Now, as an adult, I'm trying to reconcile with my guilt, the harsh decisions I made, and the evident distaste I portrayed. Instead of being sad, I've lost a family member, I feel blank. I expected her to pass because of her declining health, but I am disappointed that I didn't get more emotional. I suspected I wouldn't be, and I was right. I was more upset when my uncle passed, and I knew him even less than my grandmother.

Death can do a lot of strange things to people. I always thought I would cry my eyes out and feel a hole in my heart. I did when DeeDee died, the nineteen-year-old cat I had since I was six. When Belle, the childhood dog, died in my brother's arms right after my twenty-fifth birthday. Both of them still rip my soul apart, and I can cry on the spot for both my girls. But this is different. I'm having a hard time understanding if this makes me a bad person or not.