#and last time My depression was bad i wouldnt feel anything at all except when we hung out | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nico-idc · 3 years

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random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that. Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently.

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why.

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now.

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

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I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression.

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory.

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions.

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”.

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt.

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first.

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

#cussing tw #swearing tw #tw suicide mention #tw self harm #tw eating disorder #vent post

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jackalopefreckles · 3 years

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I feel like Ive aged at least 6 years since covid started. Im angrier. Less adapted to being outside then I used to be- which is saying a lot. This time last year I was?? Actually healthier mentally then I had ever been and looking forward to having the house alone for a month which?? Was the most freedom I wouldve ever had.

A lots fucking changed. I drove halfway across the country- all 30 hours at once with my big brother AND two elderly dogs, plus my cat. All animals on too many drugs (the vet said they couldnt overdose, and then failed to give any further instruction) cami peed on herself twice, unable to move. I had to waterboard her in Phoenix, a truly terrifying hell city where all the roads are raised and overlapping and its a hot as shit cause its?? What june?? Time was so fake this year I mustve just been stoned the whole time till I ran out of weed, and since moving its been a relief to be able to turn off the spinning anxious thoughts for a few hours

my big brother joined us. He brought a new dog with him which?? Is always a lot, plus I have this pack of dogs now cause the puppy wouldnt leave the super cancer ridden dog alone, and Im able to get her cbd regularly here, so shes always comfortable now instead of just?? Sometimes which is a lot nicer. We didnt think shed make it to chrisrmas. I thought shed die with me home alone to take care of everything, like always. It was almost a relief, I wouldn't have to coach my brother through the grieving process at least, and I had already finished. Its hard now even, for me to realize she might even have another christmas (but I wont hold my breath)

I feel safer going outside here then I did in Austin. I only went out a handful of times in texas, for the last few months I was ordering almost all groceries, and only going to the store once mask mandates were mandatory (theyre not anymore. Im so worried for texas. I missed a huge freeze by mere months. I dont think my elderly dogs wouldnt survived it. If I was alone with them, Im not sure I woudlve.

My parents took my brother to mexico with them. I begged them not to go, told them how irresponsible it was to travel across boarders. To visit an island and take all the plane germs with. I told them that even if my mom and brother were staying at home all day with me, my dad was still going to work and he didnt know what his coworkers were doing. That they wouldn't know what the people on the plane were doing. That at any point they could become the stupid americans that killed half an islands population.

They left a week after today last year. The boarders were closed the next day. Their friend has been traveling back and forth ever since. I have no idea how, except for the fact shes white and rich and wont hesitate to destroy a child, so I can only imagine how shed treat costomer service.

I will no longer allow this angry aggressive woman to ever make me feel bad, and I will allow myself to finally fight back. Im an adult, maybe not all the time (cause lets be real I'll always be a bit too eccentric for most) but when I get angry and allow myself that anger, it's not a bad thing. Anger doesn't have to make me feel like Ive done something wrong. Im usually very just in my actions, and I wont allow my parents influence to tell me all anger is misdirected and hurtful for reasons I couldnt understand. Its okay for me to be angry.

I think being alone with animals for months is at least reassuring that my childhood was unreasonable if nothing else. Which of course is a silly polite society term for pretty fucked, if nothing else.

My aunt had to gall to say weve had a good 2020 cause our family wasnt hurt, and I had to walk away from the zoom call. I haven't attempted communication with any of them since, not that I normally do. Of course none of us died, all rich old white people, most of them retired and able to stay home all day (not that all of them did, I learned about my grandfathers routine and just.. Im honestly surprised no one got it yet. Of course I knew from the beginning if anyone was gonna get it and die, it probably wouldve been me. Hence the 8 months of solitude before the move.

Was the move in August?? Im so unsure about time. Even with 2020 vision.

I tried to date when I moved here. Strictly on tinder. What was the point? On and off testosterone due to the wonders of texas, hadnt changed my body nearly as much as they should've a year after being on them. I look much more handsome now. Im also allowing myself to toss gender aside completely. He/him doesn't mean man, and they/them dont mean nonbinary, so why not mix them since Im?? Not really either.

It wasnt even a thought process like that to start. Much more "this is nice" which I think more gender should be allowed to be. Dont gotta be deep just comfortable.

I wont ever allow my parents to forget what they did. I ended up with three dogs I didnt want (I was so looking forward to not having any dogs) and I ended up taking care of my brother. Again. Its easier without my parents at least. Everything always is. My dogs are even happier. Cami finally isnt anxious 24/7. Again, a sad reminder my childhood wasn't great. Daisy is healthier. Trauma can be stored emotionally or with health issues, often both. I think the cancer dog getting better and?? Surviving and thriving so much longer then the vet said (how good was my old vet?) Is another unfortunate nail in thay proverbial coffin.

Im not as soft and openly loving. Im even more touch starved somehow. Harsher. I still want to choose love and compassion, but Im not letting myself fall into the trap of being so nice people wont be nice to you. Fighting back is something I wont feel shameful about, because it never stopped me from doing it completely anyway.

I was already reaching this on my own though. This was just more coffins, more nails. This didnt need to happen. We know our government let this happen. Its still letting it happen. Im not sure when Im getting my vaccine. My big brothers sick of quarentine and keeps trying to get us to go out. Sometimes I yield, and we go to a park, or the top floor of the parking garage. I get a vegan hotdog from nearby. We talk and laugh and were genuinely just. Boys being boys.

I shouldn't have to deal with parent shit anymore. I do though, especially since two out of three are unemployed and we can really only afford to live here cause of them (they owe me if anything though. Especially with my brother and these animals) I hope I can get a job soon. Or maybe even go back to school. Im lucky I had so much saved up (for top surgery, which I guess wont happen before Im 25 like I really tried for. I wouldve done it before now, but texas waitlists and rules kept holding me up. I literally went to an appointment in dallas, a 4 hour drive, just to found out the surgeon canceled on me for the second time)

Its incredibly depressing, and I know Im lucky to have had that stash. So many people didnt have anything and lost so much. People lost people. Half a million at this point. I remember when it got to 300,000 and I just?? Felt so awful it was so close to how many people we lost to AIDS. Its over that by so many now. It doesn't really stop, does it??

Is that catholic guilt?? Or maybe just irish guilt in general. Is it something I inherited or earned through all the end of the worlds and once in a lifetime recessions Ive been through. Im not sure how many off the top of my head, theyve been coming since I was so small and its always more and more. Im not even catholic anymore. I cant stop being irish though, even though the brits tried (and succeeded. Weve lost a lot. The current royal cotastrophy is bullshit as well, the only person who deserves a royal title is from Meniappolos

My home is decorate all inside for st patrick's day. My big brother loves it so Im going all out, and its def making me feel much more irish then usual (which is a lot Im over half)

I think I just wanted to say Im not the same. I hope I can still be happy an obnoxious is public. I wonder if I remember how

#TIRED #happy covid anniversary #time to post this without reading it lmao #long post #rambles

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pastelastronomy24 · 5 years

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A Different Day

Part 1

Peter Parker x Black!Plus Sized OC (Elara Dawson)

A/N: Oh. Well this is awkward... I said I was going on hiatus didn’t I? 🤷🏾‍♀️ oops. Anyways I’ve been writing this thing in my head for MONTHS. And she decided to take form on this day today, so here I am writing on my phone until I can get a new laptop.

Warnings: the first part of this is very angsty. TRIGGER WARNING for anyone suffering from depression or anyone who’s experienced emotional abuse ; this is an aged up Freshman year of College Peter Parker; I decided to make this set at NYU for plot and convenience sake.

Description: A cute little fic about Elara Dawson, and what happens when meeting Peter Parker changes her life.

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Elara Dawson had been waiting for this day since the reality that life was everything less than pleasant presented itself. Years of her life were spent in a broken home. A home that fostered a desensitizing amount of pain. A home where she learned growing up without receiving love, was every excuse to grow up giving love.

Elara couldn’t place the exact moment in which she realized her mother began to despise her, but she could tell you when her father became complacent. She was 12. Elara could tell you the exact number of how many times she’d thought she had finally reached her limit for living. Exactly 46. She could tell you about all the times her mother physically recoiled and yelled at her for reaching for a hug. A whopping 266. She could tell you how many hours she spent pleading for her mother to understand that she was hurting her, and how many hours her mother spent telling her that these were lies constructed in her mind, that she was a selfish brat who didn’t know how hard life really was. Approximately 1,616 hours, called ‘Selfish’ 86 times, and ‘Brat’ 105.

“You always want to make me out to be the bad guy!!”

“So what I took some of your money, I fucking raised you!”

“All the money I’ve spent on you your entire fucking life and you’re screaming blood murder over $700 you fucking brat”

“I had my stomach sliced open and my guts pulled out to bring your selfish stingy ass into this world.”

Elara had given up on fighting years ago, and came to the conclusion that everything was her fault, and her father could never seem to say it wasn’t her fault.

“Maybe you should try to understand how she feels”

“You’re being over dramatic”

“It’s hard being a parent”

No matter the context, the day, the time, or the argument, it seemed like her dad was more concerned about shutting her up than the fact that her own mother had drove her thoughts to dark and terrible places. But she had gotten used to the pain. Everyone who knew how hard it was for Elara had verbatim always told her “Stick it out, pain sucks, but it makes you stronger” and she had to physically stop herself from either hurling or hurling someone into the sun. The idea that pain would make her stronger angered her. Because she was fragile. She was used to pain but it never made her tougher, or at least she didn’t see it. To Elara, it was illogical to simplify pain like that. Everyone experiences pain in different ways, and thinking of pain as black and white was dangerous, out of touch thinking.

Whatever the case, she came to realize that she was not- in fact- a bad daughter. If she was, she would have used her superhuman advantages and blasted her parents out of existence a long time ago. Sometimes, she thought about what would happen to her if she had let the light coursing through her veins release from her fingertips right into her parents darkened hearts. Sometimes she thought about letting her mind loose, and using it to fling her parents out of her house and far up into the sky. But just as quickly as those thoughts came, they went away and were placed with an immense amount of disgust and horror. She never wanted to cause her parents pain no matter how much they caused her. She just wanted them to love her.

Elara decided to turn her pain, into endless amounts of love and humor. Besides being a natural comedian, she was genuinely caring. When she entered high school, she knew that everyone was going through something. And if anyone was going through a fraction of what she was going through, even if it wasn’t the same pain, she was there. Her friends could never understand how someone had the patience and resilience to continue to give support, regardless of whether or not she needed some herself.

Her experience in dealing with peoples pain and her own pain, led her down the path of psychology, which she would be studying in NYU. Getting into her dream school was incomprehensible, and well, a dream. When she got her acceptance letter she didn’t cry, or really react. It was like her brain had evacuated the premises and took a vacation. Everything felt unreal, and it wasn’t until the very long car ride had ended, and she pulled into the school lot that she realized she had made it.

The tears were almost as chunky as she was as they glided down her plush cheeks, some landing on her full lips. Quiet sobs racked her entire body as she put the car in park and continued to sob, a blissful smile gracing her lips despite the circumstance.

‘Deep breath’ she furiously wiped away her tears, the smile never leaving her now reddened puffy face.

“I made it.” A long sigh escaped her body, a sigh she had been holding for years. Just like the pain of herself and others she had let it go. She had an opportunity to start over. THE opportunity to start over. She might not have had anyone here to help her move in, but just like everything in her life before today, she was ready to take it head on.

Only, she didn’t have to.

As soon as Elara stepped out of her Nissan Versa, she was met with the smile of a kind brown face.

“Hello! Welcome to NYU, my name is Maria I’m a sophomore here, and I’m going to be helping you settle in today!” She was a very pretty girl, with a thick head full of long brown tresses. She adorned thick black glasses similar to Elara’s, except unlike Elara the bridge connecting the two frames was gold. She was wearing a purple ‘NYU’ shirt that seemed to be a little to big for her as she had tied the excess of the shirt off with a black hair tie. The rest of her look was a complementary pair of blue jeans that had a “#NYU” patch sewn into her front side pocket, and a pair of slightly worn out black vans. Elara smiled at Maria and reached out to shake her hand.

“Hello, I’m Elara.” She spoke simply and firmly, her handshake matching the energy of her introduction. Elara could tell that Maria had a generous soul from looking at how excited she seemed to meet her, and it made her all the more excited for new friends and new opportunities.

“Elara is such a beautiful name, and it fits you so well!” Maria smiled before continuing “I’m apart of the NYU Admissions Department, and like I mentioned before I’m here to help you move in! Our department was made to help incoming students feel a little bit less stressed, and get a little more help because we understand how strange this transition can be.”

The way Maria’s eyes lit up as she was talking to Elara made her realize that she was finally in a place where she could be just as happy if not more about helping people.

“So, in about two minutes Bryce, Kara and Kaiden are gonna help you move all your stuff up to your dorm, but in the meantime follow me to the front so we can get your dorm key and your key card yeah?” The pep in Maria’s step couldn’t have been hidden if she tried as she started towards the direction of the check in area.

“So, what’s your major sis?” Elara realized that Maria never told her, and she was silently hoping they would share the same one. “Oh shoot that’s right, I forgot to tell you. I’m a Biology major. I’ve been obsessed with the subject since I knew it existed. I didn’t know you could major in it until my junior year of high school though, as dumb as that sounds.” Elara had to laugh, because it sounded like something she herself wouldnt have realized either.

“That’s not dumb, believe me I would have never known either.” She sighed before continuing “I guess that means since you’re a sophomore and a bio major this is probably the last time we’ll see each other on this gigantic campus.” Elara was sad at the prospect that it seemed likely they’d never speak again, but when she peered over at Maria she was met with a warm smile. Maria pulled out her phone and pulled up the number pad.

“That doesn’t have to happen. Here, put your number in. If you want to hang out or if you want a refresher about what’s on campus let me know.”

The smile that stuck itself to Elara’s face was the biggest she’d had in a very long time. She couldn’t place the feeling. It was like a bubbling in the pit of her stomach. A warmth that had spread all over her body.

Ah,

hope. The feeling was hope.

It was pretty funny. Hilarious in fact. Peter had spent the last 6 months after getting a full ride to NYU, trying to convince his Aunt May that he’d be okay. That NYU wasn’t all that far away, and living on campus wouldn’t be dangerous. That he could maintain the new normal of an adult life, and the old responsibility of being the part-time Friendly Neighbor Spider-Man (and the occasional Avenger). Peter wanted the full experience of a struggling college kid, but as he stood in his new empty dorm, he realized he had no idea what he was doing.

“Oh god” Peter put down the box of hangers he was carrying and sat on his empty extra long twin mattress. For the last five-ish years, Peter had lived based on instinct and responsibility. Everything in his high school life was so hectic, nothing ever stopped for Peter. This new life of Peter Parker, the NYU Biochemistry Major wasn’t anything he was in the realm of being prepared for. Being Spider-Man sounded a hell of a lot easier than being a college freshman right about now. In his haze of assuring his Aunt that everything would be okay, fighting crime, finishing school, and preparing for the move, Peter hadn’t had the time to digest his new reality. He was starting a whole new life.

Well, not whole new.

Ned and MJ would both be attending NYU as well as a Computer Science and Psychology Major respectively (surprisingly this was completely coincidental and unplanned on their part.). And of course he would still be active in his superhero role. But it was different. Peter was used to being on an invisible leash. The protocols Tony placed in all his suits, him mainly being stationed and secluded to Queens, and his Aunts overprotective nature never truly allowed Peter to experience independence. It was something he craved but wasn’t ready to experience.

And now he really didn’t have a choice.

“Come on Peter. You’re Spider-Man. If you can lay out Captain America you can get through move in day.” That’s what he tried to tell himself anyway. He may have had superpowers and a super I. Q, but he also had super anxiety and social anxiety. And the truth of the matter was that even though college allowed more freedoms and free time, he wouldn’t be able to solely rely on MJ and Ned for companionship. He needed to expand his horizons, try something way out of his depth.

It was time to integrate himself into society (well, campus life. )

Physics SUCKED. Elara may have had a stellar I.Q, and genius level writing and comprehension skills, but cold hard numbers were not her niche. Sure in high school her math and science skills were above average, but only slightly. They had put her in advanced math and science classes her freshmen year in high school, and it was all down hill from there. Every year, her teachers never let her drop down a level despite a vast amount of begging and pleading, so she spent most of her years acing all her subjects, but barely scrapping by in Math and science with a C+.

College wasn’t any different. She was struggling and embarrassed to her core about it. She was doing so subpar that her professor set up a meeting for her and a private tutor. Apparently this tutor was some kind of science genius as he was taking a science that wasn’t required to meet his hour requirements or his major. He just liked taking Physics. From what her professor told her, he was a very good tutor and would probably be the best option for her. Only problem? He tutored at the ass crack of the morning.

Well, she was being dramatic. 8 am wasn’t the ass crack of the morning. She was lucky that she didn’t start classes until 10 on most days of the week because she had previous hours stocked up from high school, but the thought of doing physics that early in the morning made her want to shoot herself.

So, when her alarm went off at 7 am for the first time in three months, she couldn’t control herself. Before she could open her eyes she crushed the alarm to a pulp with her mind.

“Shiiiiiit. I don’t have cash for a new alarm. “ she groaned and rose up from her bed, her warm marble comforter slipping from her torso. She knew it would end up being a good idea that she bought an alarm in the first place. She feared had she decided to use her phone alarm, it would have been bye bye for her cellular device. ‘Speaking of cellular device’ she thought, Elara unplugged her phone and the first thing she saw was a message from MJ.

Big Weirdo 🖤: Wake your butt up before you’re late for tutoring. You know it takes you 20 minutes to finish putting on your wig.

Just like Michelle to call her out. She was absolutely correct but still. Elara laughed and sent a quick ‘thanks I’m up 😂. And it only takes 10 now I’ve evolved.’ And let out a monster of a stretch/yawn combo.

Big Weirdo🖤: Good luck pooh 😪. Don’t forget the government knows when you masturbate.

Elara choked. If she wasn’t awake before her ass was awake now.

‘Uh well I guess it’s a great thing I don’t masturbate. 🤦🏾‍♀️’ She put her phone down and reached into her closet and drawers, pulling out her underwear and outfit for the day. She walked out of her room and into the common area, seeing that MJ’s door was wide ass open as always and despite the fact that she was texting her a minute ago, she was fast asleep. With a short laugh she quietly closed MJ’s door and went into their shared bathroom to take a shower and get ready.

She inspected her outfit intensely (a habit she swore she would break) analyzing every piece of clothing and how it laid on her body. In high school you would have never caught her wearing a pair of short jeans shorts, but here she was today doing that very thing. Tucked into her black jean shorts was a maroon colored plaid cami, which she’d accompanied with a black, long sleeved, ankle length cardigan. Did she have a pudgy stomach and huge thighs?? Yes. Was she insecure about it?? More than anything. She was a size 18 and some days that number would leave her crying in a mirror. She couldn’t find it in herself to ignore her round face and full cheeks, or her arm fat and stomach fat and well, fat fat. And when she could, her very sensitive skin would would laugh at her. “You thought” she could practically hear it saying as her eczema came back every time, angry and aggressive due to literally anything. Stress, heat, PMS, intense cold, perfume, yes even fucking laundry detergent.

But she was older now, and she forced herself out of her comfort zone. She wanted to work on herself so that she didn’t spend her first four years of freedom hiding in black jeans and pullover hoodies. She would try to not focus on the eczema scars covering her legs (on first glance they looked like freckles.). She would try not to fret over the slight discoloration on her face. It was a different day, and she would treat it as such.

Elara grabbed her backpack and phone, scuttling out of her dorm room off to find her new tutor.

Peter was nervous. It’s not like he hadn’t tutored anyone before, it was just how he felt every time he had to teach someone new. He hoped they didn’t hate him because he was a freshman, but logically he knew this was college, most people didn’t care. He hoped he could speak concisely enough to help whoever he was tutoring and without fail, every one of his previous tutored classmates commended him on the clarity in which he explained things. He tended to over analyze everything he did when it came to tutoring, but he had a stellar track record thus far. Despite all of these things, Peter could never seem to calm down the first day of meeting a new peer.

During the first month of school, his professors noticed his exceptional intelligence and suggested he try tutoring. Peter’s ears perked up at this because it was the opportunity he had been looking for. He promised himself he would branch out and try doing things that would -at first- make him feel uncomfortable, but could benefit him in the long run. His Physics tutor had suggested that Peter charge for his services, but it didn’t feel right. Sure, Peter was broke, but that gave him more incentive to not charge students. He knew how hard it was to keep change in your pocket during college, and he didn’t want to break some poor students bank just because they needed a little extra help. He accepted the suggestion and had been tutoring for almost three months. Peter decided when he started that he would tutor in the mornings so that he could patrol in the evenings and late at night. He knew it was probably annoying to the people he was tutoring, but it couldn’t be helped. Crime didn’t stop just because Peter wasn’t a 16 year old in spandex anymore.

He’d been up since 6 am running on 3 hours of sleep, anxiety, and sugary black coffee but he would manage. Besides, Peter had been in worse condition. He’d thrown on a black T-shirt that read “May the kg.m/s^2 be with you” in bold yellow lettering (a completely appropriate choice for tutoring physics) and a pair of dark blue jeans. He re-tied his black converse, slung on his jansport back pack and left his dorm ready for the day.

🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨🖤✨

This story is my baby and I love her so very much 😪😊. This was super fun to write and I’m happy to exclaim that ITS THE LONGEST THING I’VE WRITTEN ON THIS APP!!! I’m excited for the future of this lil thing and hope you all are too.

As usual if you wanna be tagged let me know. And if you don’t then don’t be afraid to tell me 😊.

Also please y’all please understand. This is my first OC since I was a baby writer on Wattpad who had no idea what she was doing. If you guys would please leave feedback and reblogs it would mean the world to me.

It’s important to me that I mention the face/body claim for Elara Dawson will be Nerdabouttown!! Her name is Steph and her blog is beautiful and amazing just like her. You all should check her out, her energy is unmatched by anyone I’ve seen and you can feel it through the way she writes.

Here’s a link to her blog (please check her out 😊)

Taglist

@thememoireeofme @danandphiltheavengers @marvelmaree @thequeerishere555 @steveslulbaby @non-stop-imagines @canumoveurseatup-no @deansbbysblog @here-for-your-bullshit @melaninfics @thisismysecrethappyplace

#peter parker #peter parker x plus size reader #peter parker x poc #peter parker x oc #peter parker x original character #black!oc #black!reader #plus size!oc #original character #poc reader #plus size reader #college!au #college!peter parker #college!oc #peter parker fanfiction #peter parker fanfic #peter parker x black!reader

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snkpolls · 5 years

Text

SnK Chapter 120 Poll Results

The chapter 120 poll closed with 1,375 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated!

RATE THE CHAPTER 1,314 Responses

This chapter is less popular than most, possibly due to its abrupt ending and feeling of incompletion. Still, 86.5% of the fandom rated it a four or five making it another solid contribution to the series as a whole.

PATHS are awesome, but I hope there's a satisfying narrative payoff to its inclusion

A lot of mixed opinions on this chapter from everybody, but I personally loved it. It went by fast but it's something you gotta read a few times just to get a good feel on it.

Best chapter since Attack on Liberio

I LOVED this chapter. Paths explained! Baby Eren! Little Mikasa! The OG Levi Squad! School caste Armin and Mikasa!!! I literally began to cackle when Eren straight up told Zeke his plan was stupid. I loved it, I've been waiting for that moment ever since ch114.

Character expressions were beautiful. Isayama's art keeps improving.

Easily one of my top 5 favorite chapters. The artwork was fantastic, the double crossings had me shook, & the Paths converging at the Coordinate is Yggdrasil. Love it!

Felt way too short and paths just got more confusing

I actually had to count the number of pages because I couldn't believe it was over yet. Seemed so short! But at the same time, many questions were answered.

Timeloop theory is out, multiverse theory is in! :)

This chapter was a gift from Isayama to all the Jaeger fans. Thanks Isayama.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT? 1,342 Responses

18% of the fandom was thrilled to see Eren reiterate his “born into this world” sentiment as he rejected Zeke’s ideology. 16% found themselves moved by Zeke hearing Grisha apologize to him in his dreamstate. 14.6% were excited to see Eren rejecting Zeke’s plan, and at a near-tie 9.9% most enjoyed Zeke pulling a double betrayal on Eren, while 9.8% loved the moment when Eren woke up to see the Coordinate in front of him.

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF ZEKE CATCHING EREN’S HEAD? 1,323 Responses

It was a meme, and now it’s canon. What did you all think of the resolution to last month’s cliffhanger? 42.2% felt it was a bit goofy but still worked, 29.5% thought it was amazing, 16.5% liked the moment but wish it had flowed better and not cut up over chapters, and only 7% thought it was absolutely ridiculous.

All those times playing catch with Mr Xaver really paid off!

It wasn't bad but just hilarious how memes have predicted it

I guessed it would happen after finishing reading chapter 119. In AoT nothing goes the way the characters want it, except for the Yeager bros.

I thought it was really heartbreaking and absolutely traumatizing.

I was very sad for Zeke at that moment, he seems in deep despair, there was no way to know that it would work to make Eren's survive. It was obviously more instinctive like Colt wanting to hug with his brother while he knows it will cause his death than reflexive

I totally called it and was thrilled it really happened

It was expected, but I believe we can't fully know how to feel because it's still a moment in development. I mean, it makes sense, it was the only move. We all saw it coming but it doesn't take anything from the awesomeness

Great payoff to Zeke's obsession with baseball

Eren could have given him a heads up... Zeke almost didn't catch him

WHICH ‘FROZEN IN AN INSTANT” MOMENT ARE YOU MOST EXCITED TO SEE PLAY OUT? 1,330 Responses

When the action returns to the battle, the majority of the fandom are eager to see “Armin and Mikasa vs. The Cart” (27.4%) and “The aftermath of Gabi’s shot” (26.7%) play out. On a more lighthearted note, was “that one bird” (3.7%) received more votes than “Niccolo and the Braus family” (1.6%).

WHICH TITAN MEMORY MOMENT WERE YOU MOST EXCITED TO SEE? 1,328 Responses

“Mikasa from chapter 1” was not only the largest memory shard, but also the moment we were most excited to see (24.3%). “Present day Historia” was our second choice (19.9%) and “The mysterious dark haired boy” was third (12.4%). At the other end of the spectrum, once again “those birds” rule, beating out “the horse” (0.4%), “the ocean” (0.8%), “that bowl of food” (0.2%), “the colossal titan peering over the wall” (1.1%) and “that one person in the bottom left (1.1%) Faye (0.6%), the blimp (0.1%), the basement key (0.4%), Jean’s horse face (0.9%) and even Hange (0.5%).

WHO IS THE BOY NEXT TO MIKASA IN THE MEMORY SHATTER? 1,303 Responses

“A child from the Mid East Alliance” has taken the majority (31.8%) with Rod Reiss and Tom Xaver following, each with about a quarter of the vote. Eren Kruger was fourth with 11.5%. We also had plenty of write ins.

A child from the Mid-East Alliance, as he's wearing a Fez. It's probably a memory from Lady Tybur's youth, as we know the Tybur Family had connections with nations all across the world.

All the memories here have been from either te Attack Titan or the Founding Titan. Thus I don’t think this is a boy from Warhammer Titan’s memories. Possibly it is Eren Kruger’s memories, in which case this cannot he Tom Xaver as it’s much too young for them to meet. Eren met Tom when Tom was a doctor and able to falsify his blood documents is he could join the Marley police. This is a new character.

At this point i really don't know it could be fucking king fritz himself isayama would probably do it

Eren's future son

Frieda’s brother

I think he's ms. Tybur's friend, eren's memories in here kinda mixed up so it makes sense he sees tybur's memories

It’s rod. You can tell by the vest he’s got on. But I do like the few people calling him the Arumika lovechild.

Probably Eren Kruger's friend / brother / child idk, or a future character that we don't know yet.

Someone from Ymir Fritz's time

The child from the last рanel

DID YOU LIKE THE INCLUSION OF CASTE ON TITAN CHARACTERS IN THE SPREAD PAGE? 1,249 Responses

Let’s be real… The manga has had a depressing tone for quite a while now, and some humor (assuming that’s what this was!) is probably good for us. 72% of poll respondents agree with this notion, and loved the inclusion of Armin and Mikasa from the high school AU. 18.3% weren’t quite so keen to see this easter egg, however.

I knew Isayama said something along the lines of incorporating this AU in the canon so it was nice to see that. Whether he plans to make a reincarnation AU out of this or just an easter egg is up to him.

I think it's cute. It's small and out of the way so it's not like it's disturbing the story.

Idk I'm confused. Isayama really likes to play with us

If you mean Nerd!Armin and Goth!Mikasa, yes I did like it. Could you PLEASE call it Highschool AU or similar, I spent like five minutes trying to understand what 'Caste on Titan' meant!

WHAT DO YOU THINK THE BEST IN-STORY EXPLANATION IS FOR CASTE ON TITAN BEING INCLUDED? 1,266 Responses

Well over half of the fandom agree that the inclusion of Caste on Titan (AKA the high school AU fake previews) in the memory shatter was merely an easter egg for the fans to enjoy, rather than Isayama canonizing anything. 20.9% feel differently, feeling that Isayama has canonized Caste on Titan as an alternate universe. 10.7% feel that it is a possible future or reincarnation.

Above Ymir Fritz, in a dimension higher than PATHS, lies the one true God and Creator Isayama-sama, who casually screws His people's minds on a monthly basis with images like these.

It is the actual reality

Canon?? FUTURE?? WHO?? WHAT??

Reincarnation AU is canon, baby

I have never heard of Caste on Titan.

Really it's probably just an easter egg, but it also kind of canonizes AUs which is fine by me.

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE LOOK AT THE PATHS DIMENSION IN THIS CHAPTER? 1,331 Responses

What did the fandom think of a whole chapter focused on paths? 80.2% loved the deep dive into them, 15.3% liked the information but don’t love paths as a story mechanic, and 2.1% dislike paths immensely and just want to go back to the battle.

Being someone who loves time-travelling stuff, I'm intrigued. I see a lot of theories around and the loop seems a little weird to me. I believe Isayama has a great, unique concept and I'm excited to fully comprehend it.

Enjoyed it a fair bit, but we need to know more! Especially about how this dimension came to be in the first place.

I can't wait to see this in the anime!

I sort of wish it was more alluded to and not shown too much

I wish isayama was good enough a writer so that he wouldnt have to rely on this bullshit for long-term, grand-scheme storytelling

It's awesome, we need a break from battle, right? I can't wait it'll be animated beautifully just like Ymir one back in the season 2

The most fascinating aspect of the story by far. I just want every single one of their mysteries to be revealed.

I really want to know more about the PATHS. But not from Zeke. I think he is definitely lying about some things here. And I loved that double betrayal.

I didn’t know what the heck was going on

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE COORDINATE AS SHOWN IN THIS CHAPTER? 1,321 Responses

A part of the in-depth look at paths this chapter was a visualization of the coordinate itself. Just over half of the fandom are excited that the theories of Norse Mythology influences might have paid off with the coordinate appearing similar to the mythological tree Yggdrasil. 18.2% of you are unsure what Yggdrasil is and how it relates to the story, 16.5% think the coordinate is supposed to look like a tree but Yggdrasil isn’t a direct influence, and 13.1% think it’s just a beam of light that branches off.

I just thought back to most of the depictions in books of Ymir and the Devil. A good number of them had an object behind Ymir, that being a tree. Coincidence? I think not!

It really does have Yggdrasil vibes, and sorta looks like a tree branching off, but for now I can’t quite put it anywhere. Looks dope though.

It symbolizes a tree, and I hope it in turn connects to the tree Eren sat against in Chapter 1

Yes! more norse mythology references! Yggdrasil baby!

I loved how the trails in the path sky were the expanding branches of the Yggdrasil tree from SnK. Different space, different rules of time and matter...

It's shiny, glowy and pretty, and gives rise to loads of amazing fan colorings. Seriously, that full-page panel with Eren standing in front on it is a work of art.

It's the Tree of Life, Yggdrasil but also the Sephirot, among others. Norse Mythology confirmed with the name Ymir, the Norse proto-giant whose body was used to create the nine realms.

Maybe it's Yggdrasil, maybe not. I like the symbolism, but I can't confirm it actually is Yggdrasil.

Tree of life, much original, v cultured

PATHS converging as ROOTS.

BETRAYAL! WHAT DID YOU THINK OF EREN TURNING ON ZEKE? 1,331 Responses

Who doesn’t love a predictable but good betrayal? 70.5% of respondents were more than happy to see that Eren didn’t agree with Zeke’s ideals, even going so far as to support the demeanor in which Eren delivered the blow. 20.9% are happy he doesn’t agree with Zeke, but feel he could have gone a little easier on him. A small percentage feel he should have sided with Zeke…

Expected but still immensely satisfying. Kinda felt a little bummed for Zeke getting rejected like that.

I loved the twist which was made even better with a double-twist!

Assuming Eren wants to go through with the Rumbling, then both plans are crazy

Eren revealed his cards too early. Although, I can see Eren making that mistake.

It was what I'd hoped would happen eventually, however, it's still another example of Eren doing whatever the fuck he wants without consulting his plans with anyone and hurting people as a consequence

Harsh, but Zeke had it coming and it felt kind of great on an emotional level in terms of a true loss to Zeke, who has done some pretty shitty stuff.

Eren’s plan is stupid, you could’ve told Armin and Mikasa about this but nooooo you gotta be an ass.

I knew Eren wouldn't go through with Zeke's plan. But Zeke also deserves to see the errors in his plans, that he has no right to euthanise his fellow Eldians!

I'm not surprised about Eren's betrayel, it was obvious from the start that he would never agree with Zeke's ideology. But currently I feel very bad for Zeke. For first his parents only want to used him for their plans, because of his royal blood and Eren only used him for the same thing. Poor Zeke ;___;

Zeke had a lot of time the overthink everything that has happened in the timeless paths realm. Even if Zeke did not realize before, he definitely thought about the betrayal during said time.

DO YOU THINK ZEKE IS CORRECT THAT THE GIRL IN THE PATHS DIMENSION IS OG YMIR? 1,331 Responses

Zeke assumes, along with 76.5% of readers that the girl we see roaming paths is Ymir Fritz. However, 19.5% of readers disagree with Zeke on this one.

I was but, after reading a theory posted days after the release, it makes sense that she's actually the OG Christa.

I think it’s Ymir, I don’t think ymir is who they think she is

I think she is indeed Ymir... But could also be the Earth devil.

Hearing all these theories about Eren asking Zeke how he could know, and Zeke just responding with (while logical) a not for sure answer makes me mixed

It seems wierd to me that the Founder has no will or personality of her own, it seems to me that shouldn't be the case, but well... I was hoping she would have some more additions to the story of the titans but she seems like a walking corpse

It's the most likely answer, but the fact he's just assuming makes me not want to claim for sure. Yams likes to seize on assumptions.

Kind of, it's the person they call Ymir but it's really the character of Christa

No. At least not fully, many characters have claimed what happened in the past, but none of them have been entirely right. I don't see why I should see Zeke as entirely correct either.

An empty shell of ymir caused by King Fritz messing with the cordinate

I think Zeke, Eren, Historia and this girl (I think it's Eren's daughter) are all Ymir.

WHY DID YMIR PASS BY EREN? 1,328 Responses

Over half of the fandom (57.7%) agree with Zeke’s theory on this one - Ymir gave Eren the brush off because the Founding Titan is basically a pawn of the royal family. 28.1% are suspicious and believe that she’s got other plans we’ve yet to be clued in on.

Nepotism over cronyism, I guess

She's being controlled by Zeke due to his royal blood so she probably got no choice. Maybe if she gets released she'll cooperate with Eren

The grown woman-child doesn't like boring edgy teens, maybe?

In his time in the paths, Zeke gained enough control over them to make since illusions for eren. This chick is just as illusory as his chains. Zeke is using her to manipulate Eren because he needs Eren to control the founder.

Zeke is technically alive. Eren isn’t. She’s going for the living shifter.

Eren is too hot for her, she can't handle the Yeager

That’s not not Ymir.

She really dosnt have a free will and is being controlled by an even higher power

Zeke has created those chains and that girl to trick Eren

Ymir herself is a slave to the royal family. The royal blood in Zeke calls out to her.

WHAT MEMORY OF GRISHA’S DID YOU ENJOY THE MOST? 1,335 Responses

With lots of heartwarming moments to choose from this chapter, 32.7% most enjoyed seeing Grisha turn away from the Reiss chapel and choosing instead to focus on being a good husband and father to his family. 28.8% enjoyed seeing how Grisha spent his time in the basement and the possibility of him seeing Zeke from the future. 19.7% got the dokis over seeing Grisha be there for Eren’s baby milestones.

Loved baby Eren and it was really nice seeing Grisha so caring for his family (I missed Carla too, so good to see her again)

Baby Eren is the cutest baby in the whole universe and if you disagree you need glasses

IN LIGHT OF THIS CHAPTER, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT GRISHA NOW? 1,330 Responses

Nearly half of the fandom (47.2%) admire Grisha’s ability to change and work to become a better father and husband after learning from his mistakes. 21.1% are glad that he was much better with Eren, but still can’t look past the way he treated Zeke as a child. 19.3% have always had faith in Grisha and enjoyed his character.

One of the reasons why SnK is as good as it is. The way goodness and horribleness exists within him at the same time, the way it makes him so imperfect, so deplorable, so sympathetic and so human, it's a testament to how well he is written. I love him. I love him so much.

I didn't like him before, but now I have a little more sympathy. I felt like crying when he was dreaming about Zeke and wanted to see him badly. I hope they will have a chance to talk in paths.

I'm amazed by the forgiveness other readers are giving him. It's as if they're ignoring what he actually believed and did. I don't believe many people are beyond redemption, and the fact that Grisha managed to get caught before he could actually murder anyone works in his favour, but I hold him to the exact same standard I would any real person who tried to bring back a regime he himself believed was exceptionally violent and bloodthirsty (before the Owl delivered the 'nice' history of Eldia). Overall he *could* be forgiven, but so far...holding your cute chubby son and choosing not to commit your original sin *again* is not it.

No matter how much he learned from Zeke he still cursed them both with 13 years at the end, so it doesn't really make a difference for me.

For the longest time I didn't know how to feel about him but this chapter cleared up a lot of things and I absolutely love him now

While he ultimately failed at parenting twice, it is good to see he learned from some of his mistakes and that his actions here reflected that. In the end, he still went for the royal family before the breach of the Wall and treated Eren to the serum instead of spending his time looking for a better, less 'child' host for his titan.

DID BABY EREN SEE OLDER EREN AND ZEKE? 1,335 Responses

While it may not impact the story, the vast majority of the fandom (70.9%) feel confident that baby Eren was able to see his future self. Only 2.8% selected “No” for this question.

DID GRISHA SEE ZEKE AT THE END? 1,333 Responses

We don’t really know how it happened, but it sure does seem like Grisha saw Zeke at the end of the chapter when he noted his aged appearance. 79.1% agree that this appears to be the case. 2.7% disagree, chalking this up to nothing more than a coincidence. Eren and/or Zeke being able to interact with the past in any way has some striking implications, so hopefully we get some answers soon!

WILL ZEKE CHANGE HIS MIND ABOUT GRISHA? 1,333 Responses

46.3% of respondents feel that the narrative is pushing Zeke to forgive his father and let go of what happened in the past. 38.6% see the potential for him to forgive Grisha, but don’t want to say with confidence that he definitely will. 11.5% believe that there is nothing that will ever cause Zeke to forgive his father.

At his core, Zeke wants his father to love him and treat him as a son instead of a tool. Knowing that Grisha still thinks of him and feels guilty about the way he raised him must have stirred something in him.

Partially. Yes, Grisha grew from that. But it just meant that Eren got the childhood he wishes he had and that in his eyes Eren got preferential treatment.

If anything I think he's mostly going to be jealous of Eren and regrets not being born at the right time. That being said they haven't reached the memory where Grisha passed his titan to Eren.

Might lean more towards him not changing because of his very single-minded way of looking at things. Maybe a smaller chance, don't know how I'd feel about it, though in terms of storytelling.

I hope. I am so ready for a Zeke redemption to take place even if the chances of it happening are low. I want to see the Yeagerbros working together.

I don't think so. If Eren shows him the next memory in which Grisha gave his titan powers to Eren and forced him to end his mission by going to the cellar and learning to control that power, Zeke would think that he was right about his father that he brainwashed him. Maybe Grisha was a good father in Eren's younger years but at the end he shouldered his burden to his second son and gave Eren a new reason to continue the cycle of hatred, to avenge his mother. I don't think that Zeke will change his mind so easily...I have the feeling that Eren has to convince his Brother otherwise, but I could be wrong.

While his opinion about Grisha May change slightly, that won’t change his opinion about euthanasia.

I love how that in the midst of all the plot development and the PATHS, it still boils down to the characters and their relationships in the end. The Zeke/Grisha parts make this chapter, imo. The boy who wants so much to be loved by his father, who vilifies his father as some sort of coping mechanism, realizing that his father loves him, misses him and regrets the way he treated him, realizing his father is only human... it never fails to tug at my heartstrings. I can't wait to see where Zeke will go from here.

WILL ZEKE’S MIND BE CHANGED ABOUT WHAT THEY SHOULD DO WITH THE FOUNDING POWER? 1,329 Responses

As we step away from the action-centric battle, we move into a battle of philosophies, outlooks, and plans. Zeke has attempted to sway Eren, but will Eren be able to convince Zeke to change his mind about what to do with the power they now possess? 38.8% think he will in fact be able to do just that; and only at about 1% behind, 37.9% don’t know what the outcome will be, and 20.3% don’t think Zeke’s plan will change.

Zeke's mind is already made up. What may change is his motivation. He just may lose all will to execute his plan and let Eren do his thing.

His euthanasia plan is instilled into him primarily by Xaver, his father-figure, someone whom he holds very much in high esteem. So if Zeke should change his mind about that plan, it has to be through changing his current opinion on Xaver.

It will seem he agrees with Eren. And then, out of rage and despair of his ideals being broken and Eren getting the life he wishes he always had, he'll cause the Rumbling to lash out at the world for how cruel it was to him.

No, he's far too stubborn for that. But he still needs to return the powers of the Founder to Eren somehow. So I can see him being cornered in a way that makes him realize there's no happy ending.

Probably, but it shouldn't be because of some Grisha shit, it should be because Eren has a better plan

Yes but he‘s still an ass who had fun in killing. Maybe he‘ll redeem himself by showing remorse but whatever, he just rubs me the wrong way.

I sure hope so, because eugenics really doesn't make sense even if you support the reasoning. If it can be done by a royal titan then it can be undone, and they're literally planning to keep a pack of royals as spares.

I hope so, because I really want to see the brothers work together. Zeke has done a lot of terrible thing (including what he did to poor Levi) but I want to see his redemption arc

I think that Zeke will come to the realization that he is doing to same thing to Ymir as Grisha has done to him.

WHAT DOES EREN WANT TO SHOW ZEKE? 1,324 Responses

This chapter ended abruptly with Eren about to lead Zeke into “The next memory.” But what could that be? 36.3% think he’s going to show Zeke scenes from his own life, 32.1% believe there will be an even deeper dive into Grisha’s past, 19.7% think it will involve Tom Xaver, and 8.6% think Eren Kruger will get more time to shine.

A mix of all of them: More of Grisha's memories up to his death, his own life and experiences (Attack on Titan greatest hits coming for the 10th anniversary chapter), and then finish off with some Xaver reveals if he indeed worked with Kruger.

Bit of Kruger's, Eren's memories, and little bit of Grisha's. Maybe Ymir's or Karl Fritz

Definitely something involving Xaver, probably him in cahoots with Kruger to fool Zeke.

Don't feel like he wants to show Zeke something, just telling Zeke to move it along

His true motives and what lead him down the path he’s been taking since chapter 91

That one exchange between Grisha and Frieda in the cave we still didn't get to see when Eren kissed Historia's hand.

The memory where Grisha turns Eren into a mindless with added dialogue to hit us all in the feels.

Warhammer memories

I hope it could be something around Kruger and Xaver, and finally enlightening Zeke view of his "dad" and their plan. From here they could move around some really interesting scenarios, there are so many possibilities and I AM HERE FOR IT! ("If you want to save Mikasa and Armin..." quote for example idk).

Fall of wall Maria, Dina eating Carla

Some hype ass shit.

WILL EREN BE DEAD AFTER THE INSTANT IS OVER? 1,327 Responses

The majority (77.8%) are confident that Eren will find a way to make it out of the paths dimension alive, while 11.5% are much less optimistic about Eren’s fate. A smaller percentage believe that he’s already dead without any chance of coming back.

I have this weird theory: since a shifter's consciousness can be transferred into the spine or in the Paths dimension in some capacity, what if the consciousnesses of two shifters can be "exchanged" in the Paths dimension? Zeke may end up dying (willingly or not) while Eren lives.

I don't know. I think he'll either come back alive, or find a way to communicate with at least Mikasa and/or Armin before he dies.

Zeke promised that he will never abandon his little brother. Even if their ways differ in the end and Zeke’s mind isn’t changed, I don’t think he would leave his brother to die. He has already stated that he will command Ymir to reconstruct Eren’s body. No way he would treat Eren like that

No. Eren recovered in paths just like Zeke did so there's no reason for him to be dead

It would be a fresh plot twist and I would like him to stay dead because of it but I doubt Isayama has courage to do it.

i think it would be weird for eren to die right now, especially before seeing Armin & Mikasa again

DO YOU THINK ZEKE WILL COME OUT OF THE PATHS DIMENSION ALIVE? 1,328 Responses

Zeke was in pretty good shape when he went into the PATHS dimension, so it only makes sense he would make it out alive - or at least that’s what most of us (81.9%) think! A minority (18.5%) think (or hope?) he will not be so lucky.

WHAT ARE YOU HOPING TO SEE NEXT CHAPTER? 1,339 Responses

More than half the fandom wants chapter 121 to be the continuation of A Zekemas Carol. 18.9% would rather take a break from the PATHS dimension to see what’s happening with Levi and Hange.

Been wanting to see Annie, Levi, Historia for many chapters. Now just want these amazing memories to continue! This part of the story is incredibly powerful.

I know this paths fuckery will continue for another chapter or two but after that yams pls gib annie i beg

A moment of silence for the amount of hope I had to see Hanji and Levi, if you will. It will be missed.

All I'm asking for is one panel with Levi and Hange... Is that too much?

Annie in paths Annie in paths Annie in paths Annie in-

Eren in the next chapter is going to open a door from Eren Krugers past showing interactions with Tom Xaver

Heh, as much as I want to see Hanji & Levi, I'm 99% certain we're staying in PATHS zone :)

I feel bad that I didn’t choose Annie for any of these answers, but this moment in the story is literally the only thing I’ve wanted to see for years

I just want to know Levi is alive

I want to know who Ymir really is and what her motivation is! I want to see the story through her eyes!

I don't care about Zeke. Please show me the Present Day Historia memory. I beg you OG Ymir. Amen.

whatever it is im gonna pee myself regardless

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 1,263 Responses

While Reddit and Tumblr continue to make up the majority of our respondents, the Attack on Titan fandom is everywhere. Wherever you choose to discuss the series, we appreciate your support of the chapter poll!

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE CHAPTER?

"Where's the rest of it?" - Zuko

I liked Eren's "surprised Pikachu" face when Zeke broke the chains.

Great fucking chapter, Eren and Zeke are a riot as a brothers duo.

Why is Grisha so attractive

Boy am I glad Xaver trained Zeke in baseball instead of football.

Grisha Redemption Arc, let's go!

a chapter without reiner is automatically a bad chapter

At the beginning I thought it’d end up being boring but the ending showed me otherwise. Attack on titan never disappoints

Awesome, beyond my expectation. We get more info about PATHS and yeager moments that i nearly don't care about others lol. The cliffhanger is more painful than previous chapter tho

Chapter in a nutshell: "I have more resolve!" "No, just kidding. By doing this I have MORE resolve!" "Well guess what? I have a piano. End of discussion, I have the most resolve."

I kind of dislike the whole concept of the Paths. I really dislike the "enslaved little girl builds Titans out of sand" angle when there was so much potential for a science fantasy explanation instead. At least Eren's acting like Eren again, that's all I'm asking of this manga at this point.

How did Ymir have three daughters when she looks 13 years old and presumably died 13 years old?

I put a 2/5 due to how empty and anticlimatic this chapter was. I'm more than okay to explore the pathverse but I didn't expect 10 pages of filler and recollection, 10 pages where the brotherly betrayal gets quickly resolved with both Eren and Zeke's emotions being turned down (Zeke just told Eren he had no freedom in his decisions ffs) and the rest being Daddy Issues TM.

Dope. Loved it. Answered so many questions. So, the PATHS meme is a little less true now. It'll probably become even less so with the next chapter and so on.

Eren and Zeke this chapter were basically that one spiderman meme you know the one.

Glad the memory manipulation theory was wrong, didn't expect this walk through memory lane however. I'm excited to see if and how Zeke's outlook on his father and whole ideology will change.

Eren out here playing 5D chess against Zeke when he was playing 4D chess and thinking Eren was playing 3D chess. Eren a legend

Eren’s sarcastic attempt at convincing Zeke was a welcome reprieve from the “excuse-me-what” nature of this chapter

Every time Eren appears in a panel I stare in awe at how beautiful he is. Shaven face + Hobo hair = Peak Eren.

I love how abrupt the ending is, specially if Isayama's going for what I'm thinking. I suspect chapters 120, 121, and 122 will all feel connected as one single big chapter, with action outside paths only unfreezing at the end of 122. The main issue is how some parts of this chapter feel like stalling for the inevitable anniversary chapter next month, but I believe it's gonna pay off.

I was laughing like a maniac by the end of the chapter. Eren is truly an incredible little sh*t, and I'm super excited to learn more about his actual motivations. Interestingly enough, Zeke won't shut up about Grisha the father, and seems to have conveniently forgotten (which I did as well) that one of Eren's biggest motivations in his life has come from his mother, who told Shadis all those years ago that Eren was special BECAUSE "he was born into this world". As much as I reeeeeeally wanna see an update on Levi and Hanji (IT'S BEEN SIX MONTHS, ISAYAMA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO US), this walk down memory lane is turning out to be the most entertaining part of the arc so far

I'm SO HAPPY to see Eren talking again and to see that fiery determination and his snarky attitude! Go Eren!

Just . . . I'm really tired. Now Grisha's father of the year all of sudden. I'm still waiting for Eren to like, suffer real consequences for his war crimes and his shitty treatment of his "friends." And Annie is probably never going to be relevant, Historia is going to stay stuck in her chair. Like, the whole point of this series was that it's hard to tell what the truth is, right? And now there's MAGIC and Eren can literally take Zeke into his memories to show Zeke EXACTLY what happened with Grisha as if that's the real truth? Isayama's gone soft or given up, I dunno. I'm just tired.

Anyone else expect Isayama to just carry on with these flashbacks for four chapters just like the basement.

This chapter hurt me. In fact, this whole arc has. I think the point where I started being really confused was when Zeke got resurrected. I get the point of it. You wanna show what PATHS is? Ok. You wanna show how titans are built! Sure! You wanna explain that this is a pocket dimension and time moves by super slow? Perfect. You wanna show the person making the titans? Cool. But the mechanics with the royal family are so inconsistent. IF ZEKE CAN BREAK THE WILL, WHY CAN’T FRIEDA OR URI OR LITERALLY ANYBODY. Is it because he isn’t the direct founding Titan? Is he bluffing?? I don’t know. I want Armin and Mikasa please.

One redemption for the monky boi, please.

So Eren did all he did, sacrificed so many lives, hurt his friends etc. just because he only hoped he’ll be able to use the Coordinate? Seriously that was his plan? Give me a break please. I’m very disappointed Erwin was not there in the ‘important moments’ page - he was one of Eren’s childhood heroes after all and the person without whom Eren would’ve never gotten this far.

#snk spoilers #snk poll #snk polls #poll results

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thefeckisthis · 4 years

Text

manifestation and religion

disclaimer: im going to write my opinions on religion and if you consider yourself a believer - dont get offended as we all have different experiences and beliefs. also, i will be mentioning some stuff that most people find weird and unusual so please keep your mind open and leave your judgment somewhere else.

i wrote quite a bit and then my clumsy ass accidentally closed all tabs and everything was gone so this time ill write my intro in short version. so we all heard the saying ‘’be careful what you wish for it may come true’’. well it does come true and it has proved to me so many times, and before i get to the basics of law of attraction and manifestation I am going to say a bit of background how i got to it all.

as most of my country i was raised christian and had to practice the religion until i was 14/15 and got my holy confirmation so after that i was finally happy that i did not have to go to church if i did not want to. my family is not super religious, we do follow the holiday traditions and such as its normal in our country, but personally i dont give them much meaning. two of my family members are religious and i am grateful because in a place as my hometown our parents gave us free will when i came to religion (after our confirmation only :P) .

with all my experience and research i came to realise that christianity is most rotten, corrupted, vile and disgusting religion there is. there are exceptions that were better than rest, that is a small number unfortunately. i always considered myself agnostic, there is no defined god but there is something bigger than humankind and its still unknown. and you look at all the religions you will find that mostly all of them have same stories, people and facts, just bit amended to their culture. so to explain a bit, here is internet definition of agnosticism # Agnosticism is the view that the existence of God, of the divine or the supernatural is unknown or unknowable. Another definition provided is the view that "human reason is incapable of providing sufficient rational grounds to justify either the belief that God exists or the belief that God does not exist." and no, atheist is not the same. heres couple of pictures giving some insights

so now that we have that sorted out i would like to stress out that i never had anything against people who believe in god or dont believe in god, i have friends who are strong believers and friends who are atheist, its just called being adult and accepting people as they are. not enough people can do that.

so i did lots of research on religions and i do like polytheism ( Polytheism is the worship of or belief in multiple deities, which are usually assembled into a pantheon of gods and goddesses, along with their own religions and rituals) so i always had huge interest in roman and Greek deities, Egyptian as well and for a while was reading about Hinduism. of course i read a lot about all other older civilizations and most of them are based on polytheism.

during my exploring i came across a doctrine about paganism (havent fully finished all the books and here is a link if anyone would be interested in buying https://despot-infinitus.com/proizvod/paganizam-u-teoriji-i-praksi-doktrina-paganizma/) and i really liked the whole idea of it and i am still actively considering of becoming a white witch/wicca and reading those books inspired adding bit more on my pentagram tattoo, which is actually representing five elements so with added moons it represents triple goddess symbol.

many people ask me is that devils sign and am i a satanist, and that is ridiculous assumption based on only one symbol. and as a matter of fact i have been reading about satanism itself as well (of course i have) and its quite surprisingly peaceful religion and makes more sense than christianity does. to read more about their rules (which are way better than 10 commandments) click here - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LaVeyan_Satanism#Basic_tenets

those who know me a bit better know that i love paranormal stuff and that i have strong connection with it and that caused a lot of paranormal experiences in my life (i bring all the ghosts to your yard aaayyy) so i recently also discovered demonology ( Demonology is the study of demons or beliefs about demons. They may be human, or nonhuman, separable souls, or discarnate spirits which have never inhabited a body.) and that you can actually learn how to practice it and cant lie that also interests me as well as you contact demons and entities and you work together to learn about world and history and you give them chance to peacefully experience the world (they literally posses you and that way they get to taste food and emotions etc)

yes this is quite informative post as well. and yes, you will all probably deem me insane after reading all this. and what i noticed is that all of them mentioned above work on the principle of cooperation, you have to give to receive. and i dont mean like you have to make blood sacrifices to get your wishes, i mean you have to put in some effort in it and show good intentions and most important of all - you have to show some respect.

so to finally get to the reason why you are all here. manifestation and law of attraction.

there were loads of instances in my life where i noticed small details that most of people wouldnt notice and after googling them one word kept coming up - universe. so automatically when you start look into that law of attraction and manifestation come up as well, they all g hand in hand like little happy family.

So law of attraction is something you all definitely had experience with. Basically its what you put out to the world is what you get. Simple change of mindset can change everything in your life. Have you noticed when you are happy and spreading happiness everything around you seems nicer, people are nicer to you, nice things happen and then when you are in bad mood everything is going bad.

Sounds familiar? That is law of attraction for you people. you’re releasing/giving good vibes to the atmosphere and people around you so universe makes sure to give good things back. notice that give and take relationship here? Dont be fooled tho, its not always as simple as it sounds. it is especially hard when you get into that deep hole of feeling bad a and depressed. it is really hard to change your train of thoughts and get yourself to think positive. universe wont award you for one good thought, it has to be series of it and you really need to feel them. you truly need to be in a good moment to get something back from universe.

say thank you to people serving you, ask people how are they, show that you care, pick up a paper from street and throw it in a bin, smile to everyone, pet a random animal on a street, anything counts. and dont do it just because you expect something huge from universe as most of the time universe will give back with good things as well, someone will help you, smeone will compliment you, you’ll get free cup of coffee, just random things like that. you will be surprised that good things will come to you in a moment you need. it also makes you more grateful for everything in your life and makes your everyday nicer and more positive.

then we come to manifestation.

thiiiiiis my people is bit more complicated than just law of attraction, but one without other does not go. there is no definition of the manifestation, but it is a fact that if you want something really bad universe will give it to you. i had universe manifest so many of my things that i wanted, just took a bit of time. maybe it has happened for you too. sit and think how many things did you wish for and you have them now? there are certainly more than few things that come to your mind. i can easily name at least 10 things that universe manifested for me without even realizing that was it.

there are many ways to manifest something and it is impossible for me to write everything about it in this post as it is bit more complicated than law of attraction, but i will try to outline some things and believe me when you google manifestation you will find loads of examples and you can read for days about it.

every single wish you want to manifest you can, it just requires some work and that is the hardest part. there are many ways of manifesting something, scribbling, drawing, visualizing, meditating and many more - you need to find something that works the best for you. you need to have clear vision of what you want (general idea wont work), you have to want it really strongly and you need to start working towards it, even little steps - remember when i said you have to give to receive, same with universe. it wont just drop it in your lap because you decided it would be beneficial for you.

and have in mind very important thing universe will always provide and it will give you what you deserve when you are ready for it.

so yes, it means it can take waaaay longer than you expect it, it may not be hours, days it may be years, it just means that you are not ready for it yet but that doesnt mean universe is not working on bringing it to you. all the work you put into it will definitely be worth it.

for example i fell in love in marketing in university and always wanted a job in that field. it did not get easy to me at all. i spent long five years applying for the jobs and either getting rejections or no answer. and believe me that could put me in such bad mood sometimes that i just wanted to give up on everything. add to that anxiety struggles and that makes it even harder. and as mentioned in the last year i worked on myself mentally, my anxiety has been on lower levels for a while and it does spike up now and then and it messes things up, but i’ve been happier mentally then i ever was in last 5 years and towards end of the last year more and more good things started to come my way and then i finally got that long awaited job.

i am still looking a proper way to thank universe for making it happen for me as that is also important thing for manifestation.

going to use myself as example - being a cheerleader, moving to another country, going to enrique iglesias concerts, visiting loch ness and Neuschwanstein Castle and many more were just big wishes at one point and so far they all came true and i couldnt be happier. it can be small things as well, once i tried to test it and i wanted to manifest a drink date. so i kept thinking how i will go for a drink with someone next week. and it happened, next week i went for a drink with a guy i just met, completely unexpectedly. i didnt specify anything else other than gooing for a drink at that was the only thing that happened.

once wished for more money (also nothing specific stupid me haha) and after two days i found €5 on the floor. not much but universe did provide what i wanted :D

as i’ve said, manifestation is more complicated than law attraction and requires strong mind and strong will, so not only that you get what you wish and work for - it makes you a better person as well! To end this i am going to leave couple of links you can visit and see more about them, or if you’re more adventurous just google manifestation and enjoy your journey :) https://medium.com/thrive-global/9-principles-of-conscious-manifestation-3d2df7a4a87

https://elysesantilli.com/what-is-manifestation/

https://blog.mindvalley.com/manifestation/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZNFXNnKOLdA5ZD7Sn2p5aQ/videos

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvptCAXYmDZMOffniGRfomQ/videos

#new post #manifestation #law of attraction #universe #believe #follow #Followme #follow for follow #fun #religion #thoughts

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angel-scythe · 5 years

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I need you : Chapter 9

Hi people !

Thanks again to be there! I hope you will love it! This is a short chapter where nothing big happen and still... !!

If you want to read it on ao3, smash my door | °| or keep reading?

“I’m here since

Days”

That was the little board in front of Niles was saying. The man was sat on the couch, sorting out the mail. His phone was just near the board. He glanced toward his room as he did so often. His room and then the whole apartment. That austerity started to really bother him. He tried to keep himself busy to stay in this reality. Gavin’s reality. But sometimes, like now, it became really hard.

Everything was pushing him to retreat on himself.

When he had realized that, at the moment where Gavin took out the trash, he had turned off the TV. He didn’t want to stay in front of TV, looking all the time the same documentary. When he was doing something, he wasn’t mopping on himself the problem? He wasn’t able to get up and busy him with anything… He could only do what was within reach.

And it was few things.

When the door opened, he tried to get up but as much he could push on his arms, he felt his legs really weak and let himself fall in the couch as soon as Gavin was in the house. He didn’t saw him but that was okay. The Android came to him and took the empty bowl of soup to bring it back to the kitchen.

“Tonight, I’ll prepare you another soup, you’ll love it, I think.”

“Tonight?”

Gavin looked toward Niles.

“Don’t you think eating more than one time a day wouldn’t be a good thing?”

“I don’t know, Gavin.”

“If you eat well, you’ll have more strength and you’ll be able to do more.”

“I’ve a bad appetite…” Niles remembered.

The Android turned his head and started to make the dishes. In fact, the man appreciated the other didn’t force him. He tried a bit but he wouldn’t do it again and again until he’ll yield.

Maybe in few days, he’ll be able to eat? But not now. Even though that should give him strength.

He could see progress and yet that was already a big change for him…

He wanted to do a lot of things but he also knew he should not hurry the things. He even looked for exercise to muscle his legs and be able to walk again without Gavin help. Though he’d love to throw his arms around his neck any time.

“I’m a little robot, short and strong. Here are my handles, just turn me on. When I get all warmed up, watch me go. Sometimes fast and sometimes slow.”

That song…that soft song. He continued to whisper it, all the time. He did it when he was doing repetitive task, or when he was alone. He didn’t get the song though but still liked to hear Gavin sung it.

When the Android had finish to clean everything, he came in the living room and stretched himself. He still had his random uniform with white jacket and blue lighting. He came next to Niles.

“How is the mail?”

“Sort out.”

“Nice.”

Niles took his phone.

“Do you want to help me?”

“For what?”

“I’d like to bright this apartment. There is… nothing there…”

“Yay! That would be fun! First, you need a Hang in there cat poster.”

“Okay.” Niles gave him the phone. “Choose it.”

“Why?”

“You’re living there too so I think it will be nice if you decorate with me. And I’ve poor taste,” he added with a face.

“Do you think I’ve better taste?” he laughed.

“Yeah? You thought about the poster.”

Gavin nodded but for him, it was a joke.

“You don’t think about a thing? In movie you like for example? People you like?”

Nines thought about that. He couldn’t remember his mother decorating, in fact. Even in his childhood house it wasn’t really bright. The only thing a bit odd he could remember, it was the lot of flowers everywhere. She could take care of them for hours.

“I know what I want.”

“Yay?”

“Let’s take a pic’.”

“Of us?”

Niles nodded. He could upload the photo on one of his tablet and he’ll keep it activate to have the picture. He also could use another for one with him and Connor. Or use a program for the images to switch?

Gavin smiled. “You see, you’ve wonderful idea. I like that. I don’t often take a pic’ with someone but there, I’m really excited.”

“So… it happened?”

The Android glanced to him and shrugged, letting out a little ‘yay’.

“Let’s take that pic’. What do you want? We look like bitch? We’re silly? We’re serious? We’re cop! … No, not cop. Cop sucks. We can be cute also. You’re cute.” He tilted his head with a smile. “And sexy.”

“You’re beautiful.”

“Thanks!”

“Let’s take a pic’ that look like us. That’s what I’d like.”

“Then you must pass your arms around my neck!”

Niles pressed himself against him and passed an arm around his shoulders. Gavin hugged him back and when he started to take the pics, they were looking each other because… what looking else?

Gavin stretched as the Human was looking furniture on his telephone. Except the poster and the photo, he hadn’t choice anything. He really wasn’t good at that. Each time, he asked to the Android his advices. But he couldn’t decide. Each time he looked all those things, that seemed useless for him, too bright? Too big? Too ridicule? And when he asked to Gavin his advice… He loved everything. More it was useless, bright, big and ridicule, more he loved. He seemed to think it was the point to decorating.

But he couldn’t. He needed something useful.

And he felt so stupid because he needed so much to have something useful when it wasn’t the point. For example, he even never had a coverlet.

“I can’t do that,” he finally gave up.

“Hang in there!” Gavin said, pushing him at the temple.

“Hm… Maybe.”

“Let’s try from somewhere else. What do you need?”

“I need…”

Niles groaned. He had everything he needed, of course. When he needed something, he bought it and there we are.

“Where did you live when you were cop?” he asked. “What did you have there?”

Gavin looked away and took the skirts of his hoodie to tug it.

Damn. He had made a mistake.

Once again.

“I lived at the Precinct. With the others Androids. We were supposed to be in Standby and used when they needed us…”

“But you…”

“I quickly stopped to go in Standby. But… I wasn’t a Deviant yet.”

Niles nodded. In fact, he didn’t know well the Androids. He had few cases but due to his mother’s relation with them, and Elijah Kamski, he didn’t really know what he should know about them. The most he knew, it was because of case he had with Connor.

That wasn’t much.

Gavin probably knew better than him if he was Deviant yet or not. Thought he’d said he was surely already since he stopped to do what he must do…

“Still, there was nothing there.”

“Then, you should definitely help me.”

“You only ask that because you don’t know what to do!”

“Just a bit.”

Gavin smiled to him. “You can’t fool me!” He bent over him and looked the phone.

Niles was looking for colorful pencil. Why not? It was a start.

“Hm… What room do you want change the most?” the Android asked.

The Human frowned. It was hard. Each room needed to be changed if you think about brightening everything. But he needed to do something important. He needed to change because he wanted to be able to face this world again. He felt so many strange things now. A second he felt he could do the difference, got up and just start to live again and the last one, everything was crumbling in the floor.

It was like trying to do a beautiful drawing with domino in the middle of the storm.

He couldn’t even figure out what drawing he wanted to do since the wind was so powerful.

Gavin stared him patiently, glancing sometime toward the window where you could see the snow. He even looked him as he was pushing back that hoodie. He wanted to rise and turn around the sofa to kiss that LED which never stopped changing its color. In a way, you could think this GV200 was weak but for Niles who never showed emotion because it was bad, that looked so powerful.

Sometimes, he was jealous of his brother because he had so much joy in his live. Each time he thought about him, there was a mix of powerful joy and awful sadness because he didn’t get why they were twin, raised in the same way and still…

“Can you sleep?”

“No. Only went to standby.”

“So you find no interest at sleeping?”

“It’s strange to explain. I can if I want and sometime, I even can… dream? I think?” He shrugged. “Never analyzed that.”

“What are you doing when I’m sleeping?”

Gavin shrugged. “Stuff.” He watched him. “What are you trying to ask?”

Niles sighed and looked his phone. In fact, the Android’s chin was almost on his shoulder and he could feel his warm. That pushed his heart to beat way faster.

“Don’t look at me like that, Niles Stern. I was a great Detective, you know. Dare to ask.”

“Will you say ‘yes’?” Niles said.

“It’s not the question I expected,” Gavin smiled.

“But if you say no…”

“You’re a tiny asshole.” Gavin looked him from toe to head. “You’re a big asshole! Even depress like you’re, you seem to be really skilled to have what you want? Seeing you in an interrogation room was probably really hot.”

“Never watched me doing that,” Niles replied. He sighed and his thumb pressed the screen, now black, of his phone. “Will you be okay… to sleep with me?”

“Yes.”

“Then…” Niles glanced toward his bedroom.

He never had needed a double bed, only a bed for him and nothing else. Yes, he had already brought partner there but he never intended to share the night with them as long as they had receive enough pleasure.

One time, Connor had been there and taunted him a bit because he wanted to sleep with him but except that, he really never had needed a bed for two.

Though he wasn’t sure he really needed one now. Being on Gavin was so good…

The GV200 was waiting for him to talk so he finished.

“We need to have a new bed.”

“Yeah! That’s the spirit! Take the most useless and ridicule one!”

Niles winced a bit. “Do you want? Maybe we could have something useful?”

“But not common. We will have a bedspread really zany.”

“Okay.”

Niles activated his phone and started to look. Gavin didn’t miss he wanted a coverlet with cat and he saw a lot very nice. This one with a bunch of cat, the other black with a white cat, this one with a big kitten. Or this one with “my place, cat’s place” with the cat’s place so big. What about the grumpy cat? The cat doing a fuck? So much! He could have chosen them all. And then, Niles found the ‘perfect one’, ‘really nice and zany’.

A white one with an effect like you had a cat sleeping in the edge of the cover.

“This one!”

“Damn you’re so cute,” Gavin said before kissing his cheek.

“You like it?” Niles asked.

“Yay! And for the bed?”

The man put this bedspread in the basket, knowing he’ll need some blankets and cover and maybe more pillow but first looked after a bed. He felt bold! Gavin was there and he was looking and he thought the quilt he had chosen was zany! He was doing well and he felt a bit of excitation. He couldn’t wait to try that and to send a pic to Connor. He will be so impress!

For the bed, he searched a lot.

He saw Gavin looking excited when they found a hamburger bed but he really couldn’t buy that. And that wouldn’t be cute with the bedspread! They find bed with soft curtains around and he liked that but it didn’t seem crazy enough. However, if he didn’t find a thing, that will be that.

They passed by high-tech and strange bed, even kid-bed like with the mattress in big boat or other strangeness like that.

It was hard because sometimes, it seemed like Gavin was really up for one but he couldn’t. Or it was way too expensive. For example, they both liked the one surrounded by woods but it was ten thousand dollars! Niles didn’t understand of that could work.

Some were funny thought. They laughed at the chocolate-bed and Gavin was really hyped by the big cat though that looked more like a joke than a bed. They found out a bed in a skull and Niles was a bit pleased but he could never sleep in that because it didn’t look comfy at all.

And there, he found something perfect!

“This one. What do you think about this one?”

It was an elevated bed but under it, there was a cupboard, some drawer and bookshelves.

Niles turned his head toward since Gavin hadn’t say a thing.

“It’s not good?”

Gavin bent on him and kissed him tenderly. “It’s perfect,” he said.

“You looked disappointed,” the man said, frowning.

Though, he had a tiny-tiny smile because of the kiss. It was just a peck, something quick but honestly? It was perfect and full of love.

“Absolutely not.” In fact, he was disappointed by himself.

That level of zany was sweet and perfect for Niles.

“Do you think you need something else for your room?”

“Blankets, pillows… What do you think else?”

Gavin shook his head.

“We don’t need to hurry up. This will be already awesome.”

“Okay,” Niles replied.

The GV200 watched him as he was looking for the materials they needed. Instead of white, maroon, black, grey, the Human went for color a bit brightly. He liked the blue-grey since few days and the light blue so he chose those tones.

“I’m really proud of you,” Gavin said softly to him.

And Niles’ heart shivered because… guess what? Except Connor, nobody never said that to him…

#it's on ao3 #gavin900 #reed900 #fanfiction #dbh #detroit become human #gavin reed #reverse au #Nines #RK900 #depression #hard themes

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yllucsanad · 6 years

Note

14 and 15 from the x files asks 😊

14. Favorite episode(s)? Why?

ok you didnt ask for nearly this much but ive always wanted to make this list anyways so here ya go!!

1x01 Pilot: I mean,,,, does this even need an explanation?

1x03 Squeeze: amazing MOTW, “do you think i’m spooky?”, “it seems you were acting very territorial” “of course i was” this is episode thREE PEOPLE, the gray/green alien conversation lmaoooo

1x24 The Erlenmeyer Flask: rip deep throat, iconic “trust no one”, the alien plot seriously begins the thicken here

2x01 Little Green Men: they have a secret meeting how cute, Mulder recording everything for Scully um hello someone is in love

2x08 One Breath: Mulder TEARING apart the hospital and screaming at people for Scully, coma hand holding and crying in his apartment, the return of her necklace, “mulder? i had the strengths of your beliefs”

2x13 Irresistible: like obviously donnie pfaster makes me uncomf but the way mulder tips up scully’s chin and makes her look at him and then she breaks down and FINALLY lets mulder see her as something besides hard as a rock

2x17 End Game: Scully taking charge and saving Mulder’s life, Mulder trading “Samantha” for Scully

3x04 Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose: this episode is very funny and i appreciate that in this dark x files universe, QUEEQUEG, “how do i die?” “you don’t”, “autoerotic asphyxiation”

3x13 Syzygy: “sure fine whatever”, jealous scully, cigarette smoking scully, “shut up mulder”

3x17 Pusher: this ep is simply amazing in every way and we all know it

3x22 Quagmire: mulder hating the dog for no reason, RIP queequeg, the conversation on the rock

4x03 Home: this episode is gory and cool, the conversation on the bench, scully making noises to try to get the sheep to move lmao, mulder playing with the baseball and the tv and being sad that elvis died, and im a sucker for kevlar

4x13 Never Again: Iconic is all i need to say

4x14 Memento Mori: yeah the cancer arc sucks and all but the msr is soo good in this like i can never get over it, the flowers

4x20 Small Potatoes: a great light hearted episode in which scully and “mulder” almost KISS

4x22 Elegy: this episode makes my list because it is so raw and emotional, because mulder gives scully no personal space ever, the bowling scene. scully’s session with the therapist

5x01/02 Redux & Redux II: “keep going fbi woman”, mulder never ceasing to cry about scully, “one sorry son of a bitch speaking”, all the kisses, the hand holding, mulder coming back “from the dead” because he had to see scully, the smile when he tells skinner her cancer is in remission

5x04 Detour: “kill me now”, the wine and cheese (poor scully she really tried), “i dont wanna wrestle”, “maybe if i rains sleeping bags you’ll get lucky”

5x05 The Post-Modern Prometheus: a happy motw ep is always great, b&w, the humor in this one is just golden, the dancing scene of course

5x10 Chinga: mulder without scully lmaooo, “marry me”, the pencils lmao

5x12 Bad Blood: do i even need to explain my love for this one?

5x19 Folie a Deux: a lot of people dont like this ep for some reason but i do, mulders split lip is Hawt, “one in five billion”, “folie a deux. a madness shared by two”

5x20 The End: fuck diana BUT uh, pic of mulder and scully hanging in the office, gibson impressing the fuck outta everyone, gibson exposing mulder about diana and scully, mulder fuckin up spender, the way scully holds mulder after the office fire

6x03 Triangle: the filming is so beautifully done, i love a good irl AU, the KISS i could write ESSAYS about this kiss, “i love you”

6x06 How the Ghosts Stole Christmas: mulder literally steals scully’s keys so she cant leave, they LITERALLY kill each other and then go exchange gifts after they said they wouldnt get each other anything i mean CMON

6x08 The Rain King: everyone assuming mulder and scully are a couple, “i do not gaze at scully”, scully’s speech to sheils

6x14 Monday: i just really really like this episode for some odd reason i cant put my finger on

6x15 Arcadia: again, another episode that i don’t feel the need to explain why i love it lol

6x18 Milagro: scully being fascinated by this guy, mulder being possessive jealous and worrisome, the hug when scully doesnt die, scully grabbing mulders arm, “in my book I’ve written that agent scully falls in love. but that’s obviously impossible. agent scully is already in love.”

6x19 The Unnatural: the ice cream thing, the ripping of the document, i do enjoy the story, fuckin mulder and his baseball obsession, the Scene (you know the one) hips before hands OO baby

6x21 Field Trip: a very cool episode, mulder telling scully that he ends up being right like 98.9% of the time and shes like o fuck, she thinks mulder is dead :’(, they literally trip together, the hand hold at the end

7x06 The Goldberg Variation: lots of good ol flirting, i enjoy the case, the sink lmaoooo, “i like baseball too”

7x14 Theef: “i’ll always keep you guessing”, mulder saving scully by pulling the pins out of the eyes,

7x16 Chimera: “do you have a significant other?” “not in the widely understand definition of that term”, “mulder when you find me dead, my desiccated corpse propped up, staring lifelessly through the telescope at drunken frat boys peeing and vomiting in the gutter, just know that my last thoughts were of you, and how i’d like to kill you” “i’m sorry who is this”, and also mulder just being really great at his job seriously turns me on

7x17 all things: must i explain?

7x19 Hollywood A.D.: a Classic, scully showing tea leoni how to run i heels, mulder packs it to the left, skinman, bubble baths, the laughing and the hand holding at the end i am DECEASED

7x21 Je Souhaite: i def like the case in this one, scully’s entrance to the office in the beginning (hmm someones suspiciously happy), scully and her invisible body lol, mulders wish was fantastic, the whole last scene as well as “well i’m fairly happy. that’s something” atths ya know

7x22 Requiem: ok like even though its depressing as fuck in end i love this ep, scully visibly turned on by the fact that mulder assaulted someone, “let’s go waste some money”, “we could start sharing rooms”, mulder holding scully when she faints in the woods, mulder watching scully with the baby, the whole bed scene, the HUG cause mulder couldnt live without her if something happened, PERGNANt

and as far as season 8 goes….. every episode besides the ones with mulder are meh and lets pretend 9 didnt happen except i guess The Truth was good considering the circumstances

and i aint gon get into the revival ho boy

15. Favorite MSR moments?

most of them are listed above but other than those:

in firewalker when mulder holds scully’s face

when scully puts herself in contempt of court for mulder and then the HUG

BBQ SAUCE

in die hand when mulder rolls himself over scully when shots are firing

all the comfort and care in end game

they way scully cares for mulder when his father and mother die

haha mulders reaction when scully identifies the plane at the bottom of the water

the lace thing, the china pattern thing

scullys concern for mulder in paper hearts and the hug

mulders memoization of scully’s senior thesis

mulder showing off athletically for scully, scully enjoying it

in pine bluff variant when scully recognizes mulder by his bandaged fingers

in dreamland when scully says she would kiss mulder if he wasnt so ugly and the exchange of the sunflower seeds, also mulder knows her breakfast

jealous scully in alpha

the touchstone conversation

the millennium kiss

everytime mulder calls scully dana (beyond the sea, lazarus, the field where i died, trust no 1)

in tooms the first and only time scully calls mulder fox (i know he doesnt really like it but i still wish they did it again because it carries a big weight)

the decontamination shower

when scully cares for mulder when he is in shock

when scully shoots mulder and tends to his wound later

and we musnt forget fight the future and i want to believe

#asks #the-fbimostunwanted

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httpsaw · 6 years

Text

— 85 questions 💌

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag more people

i was tagged by @1esbiana thank u for tagging me angel!!

- LAST

1. drink - Raspberry & Blackberry water

2. phone call - My friend Emily

3. text message - my other friend Courtney

4. song you listened to - See you again by Tyler the creator

5. time you cried - Monday

- EVER

6. dated someone twice? - No

7. kissed someone and regretted it - the only 2 ppl ive kissed were guys so yes

8. been cheated on - No

9. lost someone special - Yeah

10. been depressed - Yes dsdfsjksdf still am b!

11. gotten drunk and thrown up - i havent thrown up i know my limits

- FAVE COLORS

12. Red

13. White

14. Green

- IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

15. made new friends - yeah and lost them but it be like that

16. fallen out of love - yes :(

17. laughed until you cried - yes omg i rlly be thinking i peed bc how hard i laughed

18. found out someone was talking about you - uhh yeah:/

19. met someone who changed you - no tbh its just me changing

20. found out who your friends are - yeah:/

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list - no

- GENERAL

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl - all except 1

23. do you have any pets - a cat who i love legit i could go on for hours

24. do you want to change your name - i kinda wanna legally change my name to Rosa but thats tew much work

25. what did you do for your last birthday - no omg my birthdays r so depressing lets not talk abt this

26. what time did you wake up today - midday bc its not hot so i can rest

27. what were you doing at midnight last night - litchrally sleeping bc again its not hot so i dont have to suffer

28. what is something you can’t wait for - not being mentally ill & looking back at who i was in 10 years and how far i got or havent got

30. what are you listening to right now - Flower boy by Tyler the creator

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - yeah in primary school but i never saw him after that and i dont even remember anything abt him except his name

32. something that gets on your nerves - people talkin over me it makes me so mad, ppl who dont listen/just ignore u like bitch okay then.

33. most visited website - uh tumblr or pinterest i love that bitch

34. hair color - dark brown i dont dye my hair bc im worried abt burning my head

35. long or short hair - its slowly making its way to shoulder length cant wait to cut it again i love cutting my own hair omg

36. do you have a crush on someone - no idk like this half year ive just been thinking abt myself and how i can better myself, plus everyone i know/met im not attracted to so

37. what do you like about yourself - uh my eyes, my ability to empathise, how i can stand up for myself sometimes, my creativeness

38. want any piercings? - no sometimes i want to get my ears pierced for hoop earings but i have hearing aids and ive been self consious of them since i was a kid i dont wear them when i should n i dont want to draw attention BUT im trying to accept it n be confident like im struggling w my voice but im kinda accepting it and liking it so i gotta accept my deafness bc i pierce my ears thats so dumb sjkdjkks

39. blood type - idk i feel like this is so ppl can steal my kidneys go away (or at least pay me)

40. nicknames - litchrally just Rosa or “that sad bitch”

41. relationship status - single also ive been thinking abt this like obv im 19 n v shy/isolated but im worried ill never fall in love w someone bc ive had ppl love me but like i just dont feel like i will ever truly love someone and not be over it in a week

42. zodiac - Leo sun/Sag Moon/Taurus Rising

43. pronouns - He/Him or They/Them i dont mind

44. fave tv shows - Breaking Bad, Pretty Little Liars, idk most of them suck n i get bored of them

45. tattoos - i have 2 n i want more but im poor :’(

46. right or left handed - right

47. ever had surgery - yeah ive had like 7 i was supposed to have had my 8th but uhhhhhhh yeah the phsycologist didnt think it was the right time

48. piercings - no go away

49. sport - do i look like i do sports??? (this was in the voice of that vine sjkdjkdsfjk)

50. vacation - im always on a vacation in my mind when i close my eyes

51. trainers - i wear one pair of shoes n theyre white nikes i love them i only like the white shoes bc i hate the black pair i have bc they look weird n i dont buy shoes often i may buy boots soon tho

- MORE GENERAL

52. eating - go away

53. drinking - i answered this before?

54. i’m about to watch - myself pin some stuff to my pinterest boards

55. waiting for - myself to finish this and then do my skincare routine

56. want - time to stand still so i cant breathe

57. get married - i said it before idk if ill ever love someone i probably will right like so many people do? but idk if i want to get married, i like the idea of a wedding n dressing up all nice but idk if its for me

58. career - uhhh writer fml or florist like idk if i need a degree for that but like lemme plant flowers ok damn

- THIS OR THAT

59. hugs or kisses - hugs

60. lips or eyes - eyes bc some ppl dont moisturize their damn lips

61. shorter or taller - taller bc im short but if my future gf was shorter then like ok? sflkkl like what am i supposed to do get her really high boots to wear?

62. older or younger - older i guess? i only have dated ppl my age but as long as its not a big age gap yk like i dont want to date a 30 year old rn sdfkksfdk

63. nice arms or stomach - arms bc i wanna be held

64. hookup or relationship - neither bc id have a panic attacksdjfsfjjkfsdjk too real

65. troublemaker or hesitant - uhh? idk ? what does this mean? im hesitant like i wanna make sure shit aint gonna ruin me or go awful and if it does i have a plan/vague idea on how to fix it

- HAVE YOU EVER

66. kissed a stranger - no id rather choke

67. drank hard liquor - yes but name a drink that doesnt taste like death

68. lost glasses - i dont have glasses but i probably would

69. turned someone down - yea haha i laugh bc im uncomfortable bc it ruined a rlly close friendship i had oh well!

70. sex on first date - no id rather DIE

71. broken someone’s heart - yes :(

72. had your heart broken - yes im a sensitive bich!

73. been arrested - no i know ppl that have been but thats as close as i ever wanna get

74. cried when someone died - i cried when allison argent & lexa died but noone irl

75. fallen for a friend - yeah but it was online n we dont talk anymore but i do miss her

- DO YOU BELIEVE IN

76. yourself - yes im a legend (im in a good mood so yes i do)

77. miracles - uhhh i dunno?

78. love at first sight - yes im not even gonna play

79. santa claus - no but if ppl do thats cute n who am i to tell them not to

80. kiss on a first date - id let u know if i ever go on one!

81. angels - dunno? i guess i believe in god but angels? not really? like i wouldnt say they definetly DONT exist but i also wouldnt put my faith in them

- OTHER

82. best friend’s name - uh thats my cat Zulu

83. eye color - brown

84. fave movie - 13 going on 30 i bought it on discount from morrisons thinking i wouldnt like it but itd be something to watch but biiiiiiiitch i feel in love w that movie!!!

85. fave actor - crystal reed but only bc she played allison argent n i still would die for her

-Tag others: @matd @01chuu @lunesgf @nbwlw n anyone else who wants to

#alcohol //#death mention //#abt me #sorry lmk if yall dont wanna b tagged but ye

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unproduciblesmackdown · 6 years

Text

its just wild idk how to say the experience of just like...it being a wholeass fixture in your life that you’re gonna off urself...i guess in earlier times (almost been aware of being suicidal for a whole decade babes) it was also that i just...like assumed that my future was gonna involve some whole disaster that was going to wreck the whole damn thing idk. like i always knew i didnt have the kinda situation where i had somebody to fall back on no matter what & i did very much know that i had the kinda situation where if it looked like the identity ppl thought i had fell through and it turned out i wasnt thriving in all of this and actually just kinda miserable and on my own, instead of having ppl who would be There For Me No Matter What i had the ppl who would want nothing to do w me except for further beat me down..........so yeah i guess ive been feeling like my future was only Doom since like 12 def...maybe earlier if you look at it idk its like wondering when i was starting being depressed fulltime. probs like age 3 idk

anyhow the point is....hard to explain what its like having the constant sense that you don’t have a future thats good & in your control & something you want, or that even exists right. like sometimes i imagine thinking abt the future in the ways that other ppl might, in the way that you assume you’ve got a good while and that there’s things you’ll get to do that you like or you’ll pursue your ambitions or whatever and its weird i think about it for like 3.3 sec and its like tf.........its like when you get some kinda Aroma Memory where your brain remembers that smell from 18.6 yrs ago & you have a 0.62second window to try to think of where its from while you have some fleeting visual/emotive memory.......sometimes i’ll just have some kinda emotional echo from a less depressed life and its like ?????? havent had this feeling in this exact way for a minute. its weird its like lol this doesnt belong to me anymore..

anyways for another solid like.....6-7 yrs its been kind of “i’ll be surprised if i make it another yr alive” with various ups & downs in that level of surprise along the way.....more like a Down lately lmao its wild how impossible it seems to make it a few more days or weeks when youre having a worse day than usual, having an on avg Worse period that lasts for months & months and etc is just....wild baby. if you havent felt it for even a day its not something you can really imagine. if u know what its like to feel like ur gonna die for a longterm period then you know what it is..

like always, maybe this is my year baby!!! in terms of death. if im thinking abt maybe this is the year i suddenly Succeed on all fronts and i never again have to think about kms, then that’ll be a struck-by-lighting, same-shuffled-card-deck-order twice in a row, sheer chance out of nowhere. your life isnt steered towards goodness because you’re good enough or Only As Much As You Can Handle or anything and ive been too deep in it this whole time to have ever been set up to not get the rug pulled out from under me several times over and yknow once you fall down even once, unless you’re really solidly backed up, the odds arent in your favor about not getting continuously run over the rest of the time. wind isn’t really at ur back there.

like im so glad abt every person ive run into who ive had in my life for more than like 5 hrs and im lucky that i was at least born recently enough to have had the internet/texting mostly regularly from 14 y.o. onward.....if i didnt im sure i wouldve been......even so much more isolated than i was. l o l . . . . ive got to feel like some ppl care abt me which is nice and didnt happen too much before then. its also good i draw lmao coz besides for the most part thats how i talk the best & how i get in touch w most of the ppl who end up sticking around enough i talk to more than like a couple of times.....but tho of course ive never like, found arbitrary success in terms of either my own solo financial boon to transcend any and all problems or ever just like bonding w a bunch of ppl like ride or die for life baby. coz like.....why would i do either. if you werent born into financial stability, let alone wealth, and if you didnt just happen to pick up these deep unshakeable relationships along the way at times when it didnt really matter.....good luck picking those things up further along the way when stuffs even shittier. i may’ve been lucky w the internet/texting timing but i wasnt lucky w the financial crisis hit or really just being born after the 80s, economy wise......or lucky w being isolated socially since age 4 and always having to feel distanced from ppl coz i could sense the difference & stigma of being someone abused & miserable before i was even really that self aware of the extent of those things about me.........oh well. coz again w the internet and me happening to draw enough prior to age 14 that i was always considered “good” at it, and then finding that i like to draw fanart for myself lol....so i could at least connect w ppl some ways right. or via text posts sometimes lmao....and im lucky that the ‘net / having a phone gave me a medium for those things & being connected to some ppl. and im lucky im gay & not cis & got to figure that out & enjoy it coz thats the best thing abt me.......

anyways even if say life was perfect for me magically i still wouldnt be able to relate to seeing yourself pursue your ambitions coz like i always say...ive never really had those lmao. wasnt able to baby.....its like there’s always that idea that ppl whose life is defined by Survival, who’ve been exposed to trauma &/or abused, that if you drop them into a safe stable situation w/friends and all and whatever then suddenly they’ll be a “regular” person, like there’s some inherent core of everyone where they Know what its like to get to live in a healthy environment w a certain perspective on other ppl & how they’ll treat you, and if you just remove someone from bs they’ll just shift over to that Default that is like oh lol yeah im like everybody else. like nah its a whole different kind of world / life you’ve not even necessarily adapted to, maybe its what you grew in. and you can adapt to a better life & grow further in that but its not a matter of like “washing away” what came before....it can be an entirely separate thing. like if you haven’t experienced it you cant imagine it. i cant give someone a real sense of what its like to grow up within & live in an abusive place for decades. and i can’t guess who i would be if i’d grown up / lived in a completely different, better situation. coz thats a whole fundamental change from the start. it’d be such a different person that it wouldn’t even make sense to call it an alternate version of “me.”

well anyways i always feel like i’m bound to kms & that bad things are impending sooner than later & when they happen i’ll get a new set of incoming bad shit to feel bearing down & etc & i dont have things i want except a cessation of living under dread & feeling like my existence is in the way & theres ppl around i gotta be on my guard for & i’m only gonna kms eventually here, theres a long lifespan & for being to off yourself at any given time, also im jealous of ppl who’ve had a nicely sized friend group where they’ve always been able to hang out w one person at least whenever they wanted to / needed to. at least i’m gay, baby. i honestly do feel like that tweet where its like i cant kill myself b/c what if im a straight guy in my next life? @ god i cant do it. like lmao for real though......in my past life maybe i was an 80s gay. syke if i have a past life it was probably a cat. maybe a cat of an 80s gay. i can only hope

#my bucket list.....see rn i’d like to see love simon. i’d like to finish this worthless bad fic thats only valuable for how long ive been #working on it....you’d think i’dve thrown it out but i didnt. just like to finish that up at least #but even the things i’d halfheartedly kinda like to do.....eh i dont really care that much #you cant care all that much when you know its not gonna happen to you yanno #long post //

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goldenkiva · 4 years

Text

unfiltered rambling (this is a (long) vent post; cw for some irl death mentions, sui and self harm mention (nothing in reality), bad mental health time, all that jazz

well it’s 7:30 am and ive been awake since 4 am. which is an improvement really. i slept at 12:30am ish, in contrast to constantly sleeping at 8 am or later the past month or so. and it’s been taking a very bad toll on me lately mentally. everything has been building up and probably toyin’s death (yes the one who was found dead, we were classmates in middle/high school...) was my breaking point as i had a very bad panic attack a few days after. that lasted a good 22 hours before i fully calmed down. it always takes me 5-9 hours to calm down from anxiety or trauma related bad times as i have no real coping mechanisms and i will just literally do nothing but stay huddled up in bed until the unbearable feeling goes away. but that one. was just really bad. i think i also accidentally upset one of my best friends before that which also attributed to it (we’re fine now.) it’s been a bit since i had that panic attack but i still feel so bad all the time. sometimes i joke about wataru giving me chest pain bc i love him so much but i feel like i havent experienced physical emotion in so long i just want to feel it even if it’s painful. i dont self harm so dw about that btw. but i rarely shed even a single tear anymore when ive always been a total cry baby. i only cry full on tears and sobs now when im being over stimulated during a conversation. i just genuinely want to feel physically excited or happy or sad or whatever. i want to feel physical emotion again and not just numbness with an occasional laff or on the verge of getting watery eyes but not even real crying or whatever.

i also had to get a new phone bc my dumb clumsy self dropped my phone flat on the screen a second time and it was unrepairable which makes me sad bc i only had this phone for two years and it still ran perfectly well. i wanted to keep it for 3-4 years at least...i got a new one ordered yesterday and im splitting price with my dad n i just feel bad i had to get a new one at all bc because of covid and shit my parents are only getting half the usual business and we already dont make a ton. thankfully my parents and sister are the type to not spend recklessly in general (i am prob the biggest spender...) but that wont stop my dumb of ass generalized anxiety disorder from making me worry about bankruptcy or poverty or some other extreme. i hate it bc i cant do anything about these thoughts except just what feels like sitting in mud and i slowly sink in. i wish i was an artist with more clout because i desperately want to be have consistent (or any) income. even before covid i always feel bad about not having a job. ik it’s hard to balance school and work anyway so it’s fine if im not working but it sucks. american college is a scam. at least i didnt go to an art school. (well. i am in art program in college. but not going to an arts dedicated school like ringling. which is significantly more expensive. if i went to art school id be significantly more likely to end up in very heavy debt) but i hate having gad. i hate not having any real coping mechanisms. i feel frustrated and a little annoyed when i asked about coping mechanisms for my anxiety with my therapist she just told me breathing exercises. which ig can be valuable but ik in my heart this wont help me at all. perhaps it’s un-dx’d adhd with rsd making me feel that way that makes me refuse to even want to do them. all my medical and health issues are also a contribution to my gad and financial terrors. sometimes it makes me wanna die but i wont do that. bc my friends and family would genuinely be very heartbroken if i were to suddenly be gone especially if by my own hand. i wouldnt want anyone to blame themselves either...

the only things genuinely making me feel anything lately is wataru and buck tick. it almost makes me a little upset how little amount of things make me happy or even feel anything rn. im reading a tragedy visual novel rn (which is very good and well written and i generally like tragedies and i find them indulgent) that i am enjoying very much yet i feel barley anything while reading it. i immensely miss the buck tick concert streams so bad. watching them over the month and half they streamed every saturday morning really put how much they love making music and performing in a brand new light to me, and watching that last concert bestias locus solus was just. so amazing. i dont know how to talk about it other than i was genuinely touched. they went all out playing at that concert stage bc it was their first time performing there (at the time in their 31 year career, 33 this year) and the unplugged performances and sakura especially got me so hard. im not good with words so im not doing a good job at all expressing how much that concert (along with the day in question 2017) made me feel. i miss it. i want to buy the dvds so bad but theyre so expensive and now is not a time for reckless spending. but one day i will attain them and experience the happiness they bring me again. im sad my friends arent rly into them the same degree i am but ig it really is such a personalized feeling. i was already in a state of dread and depression when i got into the band. but im still glad my other friends enjoy them and tell me they enjoy their music. their stuff slaps. theyre just an amazing band. a band not restricted by genre. a band who makes music because they love it and love performing and love their fans and dont get warped in the ideas of fame or fortune, and are fully okay with being normal people...a band with the same line up since their pro debut in 1989 because the members all love and care about each other so much. theyre still going strong in their mid to late 50s as they were in their late teens. they make me so happy...

well it’s 8 am now and if youve read this whole thing, thanks i guess? that sounds rude, but im just kinda sittin in the mud. im still in the midst of cleaning my room. i am not someone to recklessly hurt myself or anything like that so dont worry about that. i’ll be fine. probably. if you wanna listen to buck tick heres their spotify :) i recommend their albums atom miraiha no. 09, no.0 (especially the live performance version), kuratta taiyo, darker than darkness style 1993, aku no hana, and their kemonotachi no yoru/rondo double single. they slap so good. also spotify is missing literally like 15 years worth of their music from the 00s-10s. you can find downloads online though. theyre also releasing a new single in august im very excited for it. also, the singer of the band (atsushi sakurai) did a collab with sheena ringo where he sung the bg vocals of her song elopers, which was also made in sakurai’s image and she got it really dead set on tbqh. sheena ringo loves bt so yall should too :)

#jack txt

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