I keep trying to write an update and then being embarrassed about it and feeling like I’m trauma dumping on people by updating and I just..I know it’s on me to manage my crap, I know. I am trying (not very well but I’m trying) and it’s just…I don’t know. I don’t even know.

If you draw dip i woul be sooooooo happy

So I like to imagine Damien likes to fill in Pip about what happens back on Earth

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Remember us just like this forever but this can't last, won't last

experimentin w shit heehee

And yet, underneath it all your heart still beats on.

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do u ever in your mind have a vision so beautiful you mourn that it doesnt exist and then remember that u can draw. anyway heres the glass coffin scene if they were pikmin

this whole thing being abt rage is also really interesting. I feel like it comes up so much in fiction as a motive because it's the one emotion that's unifyingly restless while everything else can be petrifying, and just personally nothing hits like impotent rage for me, esp. with teen characters, esp. with characters whose rage is stoked by Someone Else to further that Someone Else's cause. like you'll have done all that in a bout of passion and when you're done you look around you and nothing has changed. those sentiments don't get quelled by being satisfied. righteousness withdrawal is a horrible thing to intentionally drag someone into, least of all just some kids.

Walkshipping board for that one anon from forever ago who asked about my ships

X-X X-X X-X

Modu by priest was truly such a good read. If you like romance? It has a sweeping romance, with a well done bisexual and gay lead (and straight best friend) all written in ways that manage to feel realistic, it's got features people likely found it for when looking for a danmei - rich manipulative younger man, older investigator who's got a hero streak, and yet those categories don't really do justice to them (and of course tao ran is the more grounded detective story lead who keeps his theories to himself and worries about dragging others into his mess).

They're so much more... Fei Du is a traumatized young man who's worried he's as monstrous as the people who scarred him, who is preparing to take the leap and cross the line to become an even more terrifying version of himself if it will destroy the corruption poisoning this city and harming so many, Luo Wenzhou is a cop that used to want to be a hero and learned he will fail people and be unable to save people and holds onto Fei Du as someone who reminds him he DOES fail but also reminds him why he wants so hard to keep Trying to help people even when it seems impossible... why trying and putting in effort to care and help Even when its too late to fix things is Worthwhile. Tao Ran is a contrast to them both, Fei Du living in a world where there's only monsters and victims and Luo Wenzhou desperately trying to force the world to be a place where justice CAN prevail and win even as he sees it fail over and over, trying so hard to believe all people have the capacity for everything and are worth trying to save. Even though Fei Du doesm't believe that, being around Luo Wenzhou makes him want to consider it. Tao Ran, their contrast? Believing the world can go either way, and its up to people like him to create any justice at all, any structure at all, or else everything is just meaningless suffering chaos. As characters, the three of them serve to explore how the world works and views on it in terms of a detective murder mystery encompassing the whole city, the small scale version of the world. Modu is a romance, but its also fully commited to being a murder mystery that wants to tackle the kind of themes that come up in the setting it's created. Its characters are so much more than Insert Character Ship types here. These characters were made this way to explore these ideas (just as the villains are all made to parallel and contrast Fei Du to explord these ideas in comparison to our point of view Fei Du moments, our impressions of Fei Du from Luo Wenzhou and Tao Rans varied perspectives, all of them are different lenses to view humanity and how it works, if the world is just or if we have to make it good, if we can be inherently good and if good people will reach out to us if we just keep treading water to survive, if its luck and chaos, and how much... and much more frankly).

Modu is like. If you want a story about a corrupt city and its victims, symbolizing a corrupt world and all of us at its mercy, and you want to see the heart of the people doing something about it. First the main trio, but also every victim Fei Du recruits to help, every murderer recruited to the corruption, all the people in the cases swayed to some side. Thats what Modu is about.

The romance is just one facet of exploring that, the personal debate about what these things mean about the world as told through two people who view this world incredibly differently. Yet find some way to exist in the same space, same mutual world, when together. It hooks you in and doesn't let you go and youre wondering right there with them, left to draw your own meaning in the end. Hopefully that its worth trying, that doing something is worth trying even when its just the trying you can do and not the succeeding, at least thats what I got from it (at least in regards to Fei Du and Luo Wenzhou meeting each other, unable to live up to the pillar they put each other on but trying anyway, is what I felt from them).

Then like? Modu gives you THAT story, which in its own right is enough to make you contemplate.

And if you're like me and care about people, about characters? Well it gives you, like I said, those big themes and a city's nightmares symbolizing the world, and brings them down to an individual level. You read from the mind of the little girl who grew up in this (one of my favorite scenes and when I felt this novel was going to not shy away from dark psychological moments and bringing them to you). You read from the mind of Fei Du when he knows himself, when he doesn't. You read from the minds of all kinds of people, and the heart of much of the investigation is peoples motives and things they'd gone through and how that shaped what they'd do next. Why they'd do it. Leaving you to wonder who's right. Jaded idealist Luo Wenzhou who wants to believe in the goodness of the people he loves, but also is willing to risk that strangers may have good intent? Fei Du who thinks theres only victims and perpetrators and everyone is going to fall into one in the right circumstance? Tao Ran, who feels the world is too messy to dare declare predictable, who thinks even your closest can betray you and even you can accidentally hurt them, nevermind strangers, and the only thing you can control and rely on is your own choices? Some mix? None of them? The side characters as they come up, grow and evolve, do they understand the world better or worse, and is the world they experience different than anothers and justify why their worldview is likewise different? Modu gives you that up close and personal, over and over. Im still thinking about it. And the way its done, they all get to feel like lived in people. Not structures to tell the themes only. But on their own, there's a personal struggle between Fei Du feeling like a monster who'll destroy Lup Wenzhou if he loves him, like his dad destroyed his mom, and Luo Wenzhou carrying the guilt he could never save Fei Du and desperate to believe in Fei Du (and keep trying to save him in that way if only that way) as person who can do good despite not being saved and despite Fei Du's fears. You could cut the entire city's plot away, all of the crimes and make the city calm, and still that core of their plot would be carrying a Lot of weight. Theyre playing a game of "enemies" to lovers sure, or whatever romance story structures they fit into. But they're also made to be deeply rooted into each other, their personal beliefs tied into the outcome of what they hope or fear happens if they are close together. Modu made me care about that. Its like the fears many people might have, abiut theur own flaws, about getting close to others, about trusting and being unsure if that trust is safe to give. Its that and magnified into bigger form, in this landscape of a fucked up city and the tragedy of Fei Du and Luo Wenzhou's meeting and former lives.

Its like. Id love to to read another danmei (Ive got a lot on my to read list). But what's going to give me roo

That cute bunny girl is called Noisette.Can you please tell me what you cooked besides pizza?

Pep: "...!"

Pep: "Si! Noisette was her name! Grazie friends! And grazie for Poco Noisette!"

Pep: "…Reh ot yrros yas ot deen I... Niaga reh ees nac I epoh I…"

Pep: "Bocnroc etalocohc ekil! Wonk I sepicer rehto eht fo emos em thguat ehs! Ssendnik reh rof reh knaht ot deen osla I tub."

Pep: "Enoyreve deef ot dah I tahw htiw dluoc I revetahw gnikam yltsom saw ti. Oot gnikab fo stol dna atsap fo stol saw ereht, azzip sediseb dekooc I tahw rof sa."

Pep: "Niaga yrt ot ecin eb dluow ti os, elihw a ni nevo gnikrow a dah t'nevah I. Noos gnikooc emos uoy wohs nac I ebyam!"

Pep: "Yrros... Naem uoy ohw wonk I kniht t'nod I... 'Sessob niam'...? Noitseuq rehto eht dna..."

ive made myself more wet and pathetic

more of my oc tervis (any pronouns), the creepiest most miserable little weirdo in town. which is saying something [id under cut]

/ ID: four digital drawings.

The first image is a series of drawings of Tervis on a paper-textured background. A heading at the top reads 'Tervis (Humble)'. One is a coloured headshot of Tervis looking to the left; they have a gaunt face, short receding hair, a scar bisecting their lip and right eyebrow, greyish skin, and are wearing a red shawl around their neck. An arrow pointing at their right eye reads 'one blue eye (mostly blind)'; another arrow pointing at their left eye reads 'one brown eye'. They have a serious, hostile expression. The second drawing is an uncoloured full-body sketch of Tervis. Next to this is the same drawing but coloured and with more polished lineart. Tervis is a thin, hunched figure wearing a long, dark brown robe, a greyish bag on their back, and a red shawl around their head and neck. They are barefoot, and are leaning on a walking staff with both hands. An arrow pointing to the walking staff reads 'needed for walking, useful for hitting'. Tied to the belt around their waist are several long scrolls of paper with writing on them. An arrow pointing to the scrolls reads ''blessings' they paste on infected houses'. Tervis is looking warily out at the viewer from beneath their eyebrows. An arrow pointing to their head reads 'scar from getting hit in the face with a brick (also knocked out a tooth)'. Alongside these drawings are a series of bullet points giving information about Tervis. These read:

   indeterminate age, indeterminate gender

   religious fanatic (unclear which religion)

   lives alone somewhere in the steppe

   dislikes everyone but is nicer to children than anyone else

   has every disease

The second image is a fake screenshot from the video game Pathologic. Tervis is looking out at the viewer; the background shows scenery from the steppe. The text on screen reads:

CHANGELING: I still don’t see what you could have done that would make you personally responsible for this plague. TERVIS: Responsible… no, not merely responsible! This is my plague, cast upon my head alone. I am the originator; my sin is at the root of all. I have ventured into the town. I have seen the canker there. No matter how many houses I bless, my sickness sinks deeper. The rotted limb is the death of the body… Surely you understand me. You are a healer, are you not? CHANGELING: What is it that you are asking me to do? TERVIS: Let me be the lamb, worker of miracles! My blood shall wet the earth, and bright flowers shall grow… My putrefaction will provide the soil within which new life will burgeon, pure and free of sin and decay. Let it be done. I am ready. My failing flesh is but little sacrifice; in death my weakness will be my strength. Soon these torments will be at an end.

Below are two dialogue options:

You’re insane!

What makes you so sure your death would solve anything?

The third image is a fake screenshot from the video game Pathologic 2. Tervis is looking out at the viewer, and has been painted in semi-realistic style. The text on screen reads:

Tervis: Why do you force me to live? Damn you! Your cure is poison to me. Now I shall never be blessed. You should have left me to bleed.

Below are three dialogue options:

Don’t be absurd. I wasn’t going to watch you die.

What makes you think you deserve suffering?

I wish I had.

At the bottom of the image is a line of dialogue which Tervis has just spoken:

The air is foul. There is rot in this place. The stench of corruption shall be – what was it? What was it? The stench of corruption shall be… swept aside…

The fourth image is a coloured scene depicting Tervis and Clara. They are central in the composition; around them is the steppe, which has been rendered in a loose, painterly style. Tervis is kneeling, their walking staff cast aside, and are reaching out their hands to Clara in a desperate, pleading gesture. They are crying, their face contorted in an expression of agonised ecstasy. Clara stands beside them, one hand reaching out, the other held above Tervis’s head as though about to touch their brow. She has a solemn, pained expression. Behind her head, a break in the dark clouds gives the impression that she is haloed by sunlight; rays of the same light fall onto Tervis, illuminating their face and red robe. End ID. /

me after attempting to get back into sims and realizing i had a lot more to do than play the game

the mental health clinic i'm going to tomorrow to manage my psych meds has pretty much exclusively dogshit reviews, which is to be expected because it's a medicaid clinic. even in portland you can expect that the american healthcare system is actively trying to kill poor people, nobody hates a poor person like a mental health professional. HOWEVER since i don't actually want to develop a rapport with a therapist or say anything true in my sessions or do anything except get my prescriptions and get out, here are the BEST THINGS i've learned:

providers are so overworked they will never remember your name or your patient history

you will have a different therapist every time

you will be in a different room every time bc no one has an office

the clinic will refuse to schedule you for therapy more than once a month if you "seem functional"

former employees attest that every therapist quits within 4 months because it's such an unrelenting hellscape

former employees attest that all the policies are made by a clinic owner with no background in trauma-informed care who fucking hates high-maintenance patients and wants to get you out the door as fast as possible

former employees and clients alike attest that the only thing anybody here cares about is avoiding on-paper malpractice suits instead of providing patient care

THE ONE SAD THING I'VE LEARNED:

the main psychiatrist is catholic. and hates medication.

THE GOOD NEWS:

i am a heterosexual cisgender white woman with good heterosexual cisgender friends who loves to work hard for money and wants to settle down someday with a husband and have babies and knows SO MUCH about jesus because i love jesus and He's going to heal me :)

THE BAD NEWS:

i am protestant.

Fake Voyager Episode: Tuvok gets kidnapped and forced to compete in an arena where telepaths fight one another to the death for a shot at fortune and prestige. He was initially kidnapped as 'fodder' - the aliens who run the arena will grab any telepathic alien they can find regardless of skill and they're essentially just there to be killed by flashier veterans of the bloodsport. The episode is mainly Tuvok showing off his tactical know-how and combat skills. We also get several flashbacks to him as a young man, learning how to fight both on Vulcan and in Starfleet. There's a concern that he will lose himself when forced into this seemingly endless battle, surrounded by violence, but in the end he prevails and manages to escape without killing a single person. He leaves the arena after giving a message of peace. Patreon | Ko-fi

Unnamed Goon: [Laughter] That puny 'Vuulcan' didn't land a single hit for all his bluster. Once I sealed his telepathic powers it was over! Huh huh huh… If I keep up this pace I should have him crushed beneath my fists in- What...? I can't move...? Tuvok: By now you have surely noticed it.

You are certainly a formidable opponent. Most would assume you to be a simple bruiser but that is not the case. You are a knowledgeable telepath - able to not only bolster your own physique but nullify the telepathic capabilities of your enemies.

However. You rely too much on one tactic and are too proud to allow yourself to look 'weak.' This was the ultimate cause of your ruination. While you gleefully battered my body about the field I was able to locate twenty two out of twenty four 'kobat sfek' on your body - points which will render you immobile for approximately…four minutes. More than enough time. It was a shrewd precaution to nullify my telepathic ability. However. I do not need them to best you in combat.

Even now, I am ten times stronger than you. Unnamed Goon: T-Ten...TEN TIMES!? [Imagining the sort of gruesome end that might await him, the unnamed Goon faints - leaving Tuvok the victor.]