#and i haven't had the issue with any other apps... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ms-demeanor · 8 months

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any thoughts on the new post that staff went scorched earth on which is now making the rounds abt tumblr live? it basically screenshots all the tos and claims if you've ever opened the app (or in some rbs, unsnoozed live) tumblr has gotten your data. on the one hand i feel like this is fearmongering, but on the other its true that MOST sites have your data as is so its pretty standard. you seem pretty knowledgeable abt data gathering so i was wondering abt your take

This is going to be pretty unkind but watching tumblr users interact with staff and live is a great primer on how conspiracy theories happen.

Nobody on this fucking website knows how to read a ToS, nobody on this website knows how anything fucking works (sorry, this is not a dig at you but how would tumblr "get" your data from you clicking or unclicking live; the only data that tumblr has on you is the data that you have put on tumblr what data do people think that clicking the "new" button is scooping up that is anything beyond interactions or posts or IP addresses which are the things that tumblr already has information about like you do not introduce new information into the tumblr ecosystem by clicking a button you haven't installed anything you haven't changed permissions on your browser if everyone is so goddamned scared about live stealing their data i strongly recommend they stop using anything but public internet through an anonymizer and making sure location data is shut off on all of their devices and anyone who is flipping their shit about the type of data that live is collecting but who is using chrome on any device needs to chill the fuck out about live and flip the fuck out about google)

this is like that post about twitter's content policy that circulated the other day or that post about deviantart's content policy that circulated ten fucking years ago nobody knows how to read legal documents and nobody knows how to read technical documentation and this comes together into unholy matrimony on the no reading comprehension at all moral panic website

live never violated the GDPR it was just rolled out in the US first but the entire userbase decided that because it hadn't been rolled out simultaneously in the EU and the US that it was SO UNSPEAKABLY PRIVACY VIOLATEY THAT THE EU HAD BANNED IT FOR ITS CRIMES with, like, nothing whatsoever backing that up because, again, even at its most intrusive Live collects about as much data as Twitter or Yelp, both of which are *capable* of meeting GDPR standards with that level of data collection (even if musk sometimes makes decisions that violate GDPR).

Live is significantly less intrusive than any facebook product, than Amazon, and than any Google product. If you use youtube logged in, don't worry about live, the horse is out of the barn and tumblr is the least of your worries *regardless* of live. If you regularly use Google as a search engine please god learn how to evaluate and compare risks across platforms because Live is like a coughing baby compared to about a dozen things that most highly online people interact with every single day.

If you don't want to use live don't use live. Clicking the button doesn't magically transfer your secret FBI file to tumblr and even agreeing to the ToS doesn't share anything that tumblr doesn't already have if you don't continue to interact - if you don't interact with live after agreeing to the ToS it's not collecting any data except your non-interaction.

For everyone who is losing it over Live just turn off your goddamned location on your fucking cellphone and turn off your location on your goddamned computers and that's it, you're good, you're fine, relax. If your response to "turn off your location" is "but I need it for _____" then don't worry about Live, whatever "_____" is was already collecting and selling your data.

Do you use an activity tracker? Congrats, you have much, much bigger privacy issues to worry about than tumblr live.

Okay but also I yelled about that post and the very many ways in which it was incorrect in January.

And I happened to take an archive of the page at that time because I'm a paranoid motherfucker.

And if you want my guess as to why staff went "scorched earth" on that post it's probably because if you scroll down to the bottom of the page on the archive, OP calls on everyone looking at the post to send a kind fuck you to the CEO then tagged his tumblr.

If you look at the other posts that went scorched earth in relation to tumblr staff they were also posts that very pointedly directed a lot of ire at a single staff member.

I don't think that any individual tumblr staff members are above criticism and I don't think that staff as a whole is above criticism but part of learning to read a ToS is understanding that someone can be shitty and vague and use TERF talking points and skirt the line and be technically okay under the ToS while someone can have a legitimate gripe about another user being horrible and manage to violate the ToS by accidentally spinning up a harassment campaign or suicide baiting someone.

Shitty people like nazis and terfs thrive on being edge cases. They are very good at finding a boundary and standing juuuuuuuuust on this side of it and going "la la la I'm not violating the ToS, you can't stop me!" and that blows and it leads to a lot of people encountering a lot of shitty stuff on a lot of websites but personally I'm pretty glad that there's a lot of gray area because when you cut out gray area that's when you see things like It's Going Down getting banned as extremist content alongside white supremacists. Please continue to report nazis and terfs, and when possible go deep into their pages to report because a pattern of behavior is more likely to get recognized as hate speech than a single post that gets reported a hundred times. Please block as many people who it's harmful for you to interact with as possible because it's clear that staff is not going to do the kind of work protecting users that users would like staff to do.

However I just can't get angry on behalf of a blogger who got nuked for saying "Hey everyone who hates this feature that we all hate please go tell the CEO to fuck himself at this URL specifically" - that is an extremely clear violation of the ToS because it is absolutely targeted harassment.

So now tumblr-the-userbase is going off on its merry conspiracy way skipping through fields and lacking reading comprehension and saying "users are getting banned for reporting the crimes of tumblr live and its gdpr violations" and ignoring the fact that the post was nuked because the last line was saying "hey everyone, let's all individually tell the CEO to fuck off in messages sent directly to him that are certainly not going to include any threats, exaggerations, gore, etc. etc. etc."

If I were to make a post that had 50k notes and the last line was "and while you're at it, please send tumblr-user-ms-demeanor a personalized message telling them why they're a terrible person so they know what we think of them" it would absolutely be reasonable to say that was harassing that user. And that post did it with the CEO. Who is not above criticism (and I have my criticisms! I don't think he really gets tumblr and that's a problem!), but jesus fucking christ don't tag the goddamned CEO or any other staff member in a call to action asking users to send them messages saying "fuck off" this is literally the stupidest thing I've ever seen a tumblr conspiracy theory coalesce around.

Anyway thank you for giving me a place to vent i've been getting more and more pissed about this for three days. Everyone feel free to kindly tell tumblr user ms demeanor to fuck off.

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an-spideog · 5 months

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Don't Use Duolingo if You Really Want to Learn Irish

That title is a bit dramatic, but I really don't think that duolingo is a useful tool for Irish, especially in its current state, so I want to talk a bit about why, and I'll also talk about some alternatives.

Pronunciation

The first and most egregious issue is that at some point recently-ish, duo decided to start using Text-To-Speech for their Irish course, rather than recordings of a native speaker. The problem here is that their TTS is not trained on native speakers of Irish and pronounces words incorrectly. It doesn't make consistent distinctions between broad and slender consonants for example.

Irish has no standard pronunciation, so I understand how it can feel weird to choose just one dialect for the purposes of pronunciation (the old recordings were from a speaker of Galway Irish), but having just one dialect is much better than TTS which sounds like a learner, imagine if they had TTS for the French course which sounded like an anglophone schoolkid trying to pronounce french, and claimed they were teaching you how to speak french!

Grammar

Duo tends to be correct on grammar at least, which is a start. But often people using it get very confused about the grammar because duo doesn't explain any of it. I think there's a place for immersion in language learning, and I don't think everything has to be explained like that, but within duo's system of sentence testing and exercises like that, not having any explanation for why it's "mo chóta" and not "mo cóta" can be really confusing. Duo used to have more grammar information, it's a shame that they removed it, I wonder why they did it.

Money and Motivation

Duolingo is a business, and their motivation is not to help you learn a language 'fully', but to keep you using their app and hopefully have a higher chance of sharing it with others, competing with others, buying or causing others to buy memberships or lingots or any other in-app purchases.

I don't want to make it out like duo is some big conspiracy and they're tricking people, I don't think that's the case, but it's good to remember that their primary motivation is to keep people using the app, rather than help people move to a level in a language where they don't need the app anymore.

Keep this in mind whenever you see people trying to sell you stuff for language learning.

Why do people use Duolingo

I do get it, and I don't want to make anyone feel bad for using duo, there's a ton of reasons people tend towards it at first 1. It's really well known, so especially if you're learning a language and haven't heard of other resources for it, you'll check duolingo 2. It's very motivating for a lot of people, checking in every day and forming that habit is a really good way of sticking with a language 3. It's fun, people enjoy it

If you use it for reason 3. and you still like it, then don't worry about this post, I'm not trying to yuck anyone's yums, keep having fun!

If you use it for reasons 1. or 2. you can still keep using it if you like, but I want to suggest some other things which you might find helpful in trying to get to a higher level in Irish.

Other Resources

To address the pronunciation issue, I'd heavily recommend you disregard the pronunciation in duolingo, if you're looking for more reliable sources of pronunciation, I'd look towards recordings of native speakers, you can find that on:

Teanglann and Foclóir (they use the same recordings)

Fuaimeanna

and a really useful and underused one: https://davissandefur.github.io/minimal-pairs/ where you can hear the difference between similar sounds that English speakers often mix up in Irish.

A lot of people like duolingo because it's nice to have a clear path forward, a progression that you can get into without too much decision-making. For this I recommend getting a good textbook or course and working through it, the ones I'll recommend also have native speaker audio on them.

Learning Irish by Mícheál Ó Siadhail, this book teaches Galway Irish, not just in pronunciation but in grammar too. It's quite dense but it's well thought out and well explained.

Teach Yourself Irish (1961) this book is available for free online, and is a really good option if you're interested in Cork Irish (Munster), and have some experience with grammatical terminology. I used this book myself and really liked it, but it's very intense and not for everyone. (If you do end up using it, feel free to skip the appendices at the start, they're more of a reference and sometimes put people off from actually getting to the first chapter. Also if you have any questions about it or need any help just let me know.)

If you want a video course, there's a great course called "Now You're Talking" which is available for free online, along with audio files and worksheets here. It features Donegal Irish and leads into the more intermediate level course called Céim ar Aghaidh also available online.

There's other textbooks that I have less experience with (Buntús na Gaeilge, Gaeilge/Gramadach Gan Stró, etc.) but if they work for you, stick with them, there's nothing worse than not making progress because you keep switching resources trying to find the "perfect one"

Whether or not you continue to use Duolingo, I would really really encourage you to try engaging with media in Irish. People often shy away from this when they're learning because they don't feel like they're "ready" yet. But you basically never feel like you're ready, you just have to try and find something near your level and try to get comfortable with not understanding everything. This is where you learn a huge portion of the language, you hear how things are pronounced you see what words mean in what contexts, getting input in your target language is so important!

I know content can be kind of hard to find, so I'll make a few recommendations here: There's a wealth of content available for free online (more if you're in ireland but some internationally) on TG4 If you're still starting out, I'd recommend trying to watch some kids shows since they'll have simpler language and will be easier to follow. I wouldn't recommend using English subtitles when you watch them. Some good options include:

Dónall Dána: an Irish dub of Horrid Henry, silly and childish but the actors have good Irish and importantly the show has Irish language subtitles, they don't always match but if you're still beginning and can't necessarily get everything by ear, they're really useful. (Mostly Galway Irish)

Curious George: another dub, again with Irish language subtitles (I can't remember what dialects were in it off the top of my head but I'd assume mostly galway again)

Seó Luna: No subtitles, but a good option if you're aiming for Munster Irish, the lead character has Kerry Irish

Miraculous: No subtitles but a better show than most of the other kids' ones and more bearable to watch as an adult (Mostly Galway Irish)

Ros na Rún: Moving away from kids shows, a long running soap opera, this has Irish subtitles and a really good mix of dialects within the show. If you're finding the kids shows boring or too easy I'd really recommend it, but it can be complex because of the amount of characters, dialects, and plotlines. I'd recommend starting at the beginning of a newer season and just trying to catch on to what's happening as you go.

There are a lot of books, if you live in Ireland you can get nearly any Irish book for free from a library, so please check out your local library or request some of these from other libraries in the system:

There's a series of fairytales (Rápúnzell, Luaithríona etc.) by Máiréad Ní Ghráda which are illustrated and for children, which are a really good option for when you're just starting out reading

There's kids books about Fionn and the Fianna by Tadhg Mac Dhonnagáin

There's a cute little kids' book in Kerry Irish about a cat named Mábúis

Leabhar Breac has a lot of graphic novels, some of them based on Irish mythology, some on other stuff. The fact that they're illustrated can make it a lot easier to follow even if you don't understand all the words at first.

Gliadar has just released their Scott Pilgrim translation

If you're looking for something a bit more advanced you can look at some of the books for adult learners by Comhar, they contain simplified language and glossaries but have full original adult stories.

And if you're wanting full, natural, native-level Irish there's a load of books by those same groups, and others like An Gúm, Cló Iar-Chonnacht, Oidhreacht Chorca Dhuibhne, Éabhlóid, Coiscéim, and more.

And don't shy away from older books written in Seanchló either, they can be more challenging but it's a whole extra world of books

If you're trying to improve your listening comprehension, I definitely recommend listening to shows on Raidió na Gaeltachta, hearing native Irish speakers talk at full speed is really good practice. But I get that it can be overwhelming at first. Here are some things you can do as you build up to that:

Watching those same TV shows I mentioned without subtitles is a good way to build up listening skills.

Vifax is a website where you can practice listening to short news segments and answer questions on them, then getting to look at the transcript with notes afterwards.

Snas is kind of the evolution of vifax, now using clips from both the news and Ros na Rún.

I really hope that this post can help people move away from duolingo if they're looking to take their Irish learning to the next level, if you've got any questions, just let me know!

#gaeilge #irish language #irish #irish langblr #gaelainn #learning irish #as gaeilge #duolingo #resources

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nostalgebraist · 1 year

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Honestly I'm pretty tired of supporting nostalgebraist-autoresponder. Going to wind down the project some time before the end of this year.

Posting this mainly to get the idea out there, I guess.

This project has taken an immense amount of effort from me over the years, and still does, even when it's just in maintenance mode.

Today some mysterious system update (or something) made the model no longer fit on the GPU I normally use for it, despite all the same code and settings on my end.

This exact kind of thing happened once before this year, and I eventually figured it out, but I haven't figured this one out yet. This problem consumed several hours of what was meant to be a relaxing Sunday. Based on past experience, getting to the bottom of the issue would take many more hours.

My options in the short term are to

A. spend (even) more money per unit time, by renting a more powerful GPU to do the same damn thing I know the less powerful one can do (it was doing it this morning!), or

B. silently reduce the context window length by a large amount (and thus the "smartness" of the output, to some degree) to allow the model to fit on the old GPU.

Things like this happen all the time, behind the scenes.

I don't want to be doing this for another year, much less several years. I don't want to be doing it at all.

----

In 2019 and 2020, it was fun to make a GPT-2 autoresponder bot.

[EDIT: I've seen several people misread the previous line and infer that nostalgebraist-autoresponder is still using GPT-2. She isn't, and hasn't been for a long time. Her latest model is a finetuned LLaMA-13B.]

Hardly anyone else was doing anything like it. I wasn't the most qualified person in the world to do it, and I didn't do the best possible job, but who cares? I learned a lot, and the really competent tech bros of 2019 were off doing something else.

And it was fun to watch the bot "pretend to be me" while interacting (mostly) with my actual group of tumblr mutuals.

In 2023, everyone and their grandmother is making some kind of "gen AI" app. They are helped along by a dizzying array of tools, cranked out by hyper-competent tech bros with apparently infinite reserves of free time.

There are so many of these tools and demos. Every week it seems like there are a hundred more; it feels like every day I wake up and am expected to be familiar with a hundred more vaguely nostalgebraist-autoresponder-shaped things.

And every one of them is vastly better-engineered than my own hacky efforts. They build on each other, and reap the accelerating returns.

I've tended to do everything first, ahead of the curve, in my own way. This is what I like doing. Going out into unexplored wilderness, not really knowing what I'm doing, without any maps.

Later, hundreds of others with go to the same place. They'll make maps, and share them. They'll go there again and again, learning to make the expeditions systematically. They'll make an optimized industrial process of it. Meanwhile, I'll be locked in to my own cottage-industry mode of production.

Being the first to do something means you end up eventually being the worst.

----

I had a GPT chatbot in 2019, before GPT-3 existed. I don't think Huggingface Transformers existed, either. I used the primitive tools that were available at the time, and built on them in my own way. These days, it is almost trivial to do the things I did, much better, with standardized tools.

I had a denoising diffusion image generator in 2021, before DALLE-2 or Stable Diffusion or Huggingface Diffusers. I used the primitive tools that were available at the time, and built on them in my own way. These days, it is almost trivial to do the things I did, much better, with standardized tools.

Earlier this year, I was (probably) one the first people to finetune LLaMA. I manually strapped LoRA and 8-bit quantization onto the original codebase, figuring out everything the hard way. It was fun.

Just a few months later, and your grandmother is probably running LLaMA on her toaster as we speak. My homegrown methods look hopelessly antiquated. I think everyone's doing 4-bit quantization now?

(Are they? I can't keep track anymore -- the hyper-competent tech bros are too damn fast. A few months from now the thing will be probably be quantized to -1 bits, somehow. It'll be running in your phone's browser. And it'll be using RLHF, except no, it'll be using some successor to RLHF that everyone's hyping up at the time...)

"You have a GPT chatbot?" someone will ask me. "I assume you're using AutoLangGPTLayerPrompt?"

No, no, I'm not. I'm trying to debug obscure CUDA issues on a Sunday so my bot can carry on talking to a thousand strangers, every one of whom is asking it something like "PENIS PENIS PENIS."

Only I am capable of unplugging the blockage and giving the "PENIS PENIS PENIS" askers the responses they crave. ("Which is ... what, exactly?", one might justly wonder.) No one else would fully understand the nature of the bug. It is special to my own bizarre, antiquated, homegrown system.

I must have one of the longest-running GPT chatbots in existence, by now. Possibly the longest-running one?

I like doing new things. I like hacking through uncharted wilderness. The world of GPT chatbots has long since ceased to provide this kind of value to me.

I want to cede this ground to the LLaMA techbros and the prompt engineers. It is not my wilderness anymore.

I miss wilderness. Maybe I will find a new patch of it, in some new place, that no one cares about yet.

----

Even in 2023, there isn't really anything else out there quite like Frank. But there could be.

If you want to develop some sort of Frank-like thing, there has never been a better time than now. Everyone and their grandmother is doing it.

"But -- but how, exactly?"

Don't ask me. I don't know. This isn't my area anymore.

There has never been a better time to make a GPT chatbot -- for everyone except me, that is.

Ask the techbros, the prompt engineers, the grandmas running OpenChatGPT on their ironing boards. They are doing what I did, faster and easier and better, in their sleep. Ask them.

#nostalgebraist autoresponder meta

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billthedrake · 3 months

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ACCOUNTABILITY (PART ONE)

Story idea generously provided by @talesfromunderthemattress.

Jim McCready didn't like starting his work day at 6:00, but he'd been dedicated to his CrossFit routine, and the flex schedule allowed him to carve out a couple of hours in the middle of the day. Besides, he realized he could bang out most of his work emails pretty quickly first thing in the day, as he had his coffee, without the distractions of the office or some "crucial" issue coming up.

He was in the middle of one of those emails when a light knock came from the direction of his office door.

His eldest son, Ryan, stood there, tall and bed-headed, wearing just a pair of gym shorts and one of his dad's beat-up hand-me-down Auburn fraternity T-shirts that had become his favorite. Ryan was a football jock, a senior in high school now, and Jim was impressed at how much his kid was filling out that old T.

"Hey Dad," Ry said, his voice still thick with his morning grogginess. Even Ryan's voice had gotten deeper over the last few months, a reminder to Jim that his boy would be off to college very soon.

Jim pushed his chair back. He was already in his business casual for the office, khakis, loafers, button-down, quarter-zip sweater, and the cross necklace barely visible beneath the unbuttoned top of his shirt.

"Hey buddy, what's up?" he asked. When he was younger he used to chastise any of his four kids when they interrupted him at work. But a church seminar on spiritually guided parenting made him shift his focus, to put family first.

Ryan got a shy grin. "I just wanted to be honest with you... and I guess you're gonna realize pretty soon, if you haven't already..."

Two and two clicked for the middle-aged father. "Oh," he said. "I take it you're talking about the app?"

The nervous smile got a lot more nervous. "Yes, sir," his son answered. "I had a weak moment this morning.... you know..." The football tight end shuffled on his feet a little.

His father wasn't exactly happy. He'd convinced Ryan to install the accountability app on his phone. Covenant Watch. It pinged Jim anytime Ryan looked at a porn site or material flagged as sexual. Jim had even set up the same, installing Covenant Watch on his phone. Becoming accountability buddies with his son in the goal of a purer lifestyle. James McCready believed in practicing what he preached.

He'd only received two pings from the app before. Once was a mis-coded site, not porn. The other was a slip up. He and Ryan had a heart-to-heart talk about it, about temptation. And then they prayed. That was four months ago.

Something felt different now, but Jim couldn't put his finger on it. "Anything you need to talk about, buddy?"

Ryan laughed. "No, sir, I'm good. I mean... I'll do better. I promise."

Jim nodded. He believed his son. Ryan was a good kid. Good student, great athlete, devout Christian, head of his FCA chapter at school. And yet, this was Ryan's second accountability slip up.

"All right," the dad replied. "And Ry... thanks for being honest with me, buddy."

Ryan nodded. Maybe more chastised than his easygoing teen demeanor let on. "That's what accountability buddies are for, right, Dad?" He gave his father a longer look, then said, "Well, I'll let you get back to work, sir."

***

It was three days later. Ryan had fifth period free as a study period, with an arrangement to help out Coach Mitchell. Today he was actually studying for his AP biology test while Coach did some paperwork.

The phone buzzed in his pocket. He almost expected it was his best friend Braden Whitmore, but the dude had already gotten detention once for using his phone during Mrs. Clemens class, and even a dumb jock like Whitmore knew not to be that stupid to tempt a second infraction.

It was a banner notification from Covenant Watch. James McCready, 8 flagged sites, 14 flagged pages.

Ryan's heart beat excitedly. As he pulled up the accountability report, his suspicions were confirmed. Dad was looking up the videos Ryan had jacked off to Monday morning. Figures he would, the football jock reasoned. That's what accountability was about. If he didn't want his Dad to know he was watching porn, Ryan knew he shouldn't watch the stuff to begin with.

But Ryan had only watched a couple of videos in his moment of hormonal weakness. It had been a really great stroke session. While the church didn't have a problem with masturbation, their teachings made pornography the forbidden fruit. Just watch those videos of young jocks fucking some hot college chick was enough to make Ryan's palm feel extra amazing.

His teen dick was boning up fast now, and he placed the Bio book on his lap to hide his hardon from Coach, who was engrossed his work anyway. Taking one good look to make sure it was OK to pull it up, Ryan scrolled through the full Convenant Accountability Report.

His father had first watched the ones Ryan had, but then continued to watch more of the Hot Guys Fuck videos on PornHub. Like five of them.

"Hey Coach," Ryan spoke up. "Mind if I find the restroom?" Mitchell wasn't as strict in study period as some teachers, but safer to ask.

"Yep, McCready... you know where it is."

Ryan tried to play it cool, but it was like he couldn't get to that men's room stall fast enough. He shut the door and took his perch on the toilet seat and unzipped. Ryan pulled out his phone and ear buds. Helpfully, Covenant Watch had a link to the offending site, so it took just seconds to pull it up. He almost wasn't even thinking that Dad would be aware he watched it. Ryan just needed to see.

It was a hot one all right. The dude was jacked in that collegiate jock way. HUGE dick, too, thick and veiny.

At times like this the football player was glad his father had left his foreskin intact. Slowly, Ryan worked his shaft with his bare fist as he watched part of one video, then another. Then another. All with the same model/star. Dad clearly was into this stud, and the idea made Ryan's balls twitch with excitement. His hunk of a father had undoubtedly jerked off to the very thing Ryan was watching now.... tugging at that nice long Dad cock, working out a heavy, manly load... And then in the middle of the video a second buff dude entered the scene and started tonguing the dude's balls along with the chick.

Ryan was coming, blasting hard. Cum splattered on the tile floor in front of him, and the rest dribbled down his first.

"Fuck!" he hissed then caught himself, glad no one else was in the restroom during the middle of fifth period. Hurriedly, he cleaned up and flushed the tissue paper down the toilet. The video was still running and Ryan was about to shut it off, when it occurred to him that his Dad would know he watched it. He knew he could in a pinch pass it off as being an accountability buddy, just seeing what Dad had clicked on. His Dad probably wasn't dumb, but it's not like his old man hadn't done that to him.

But, fuck, a part of Ryan didn't want to get off easy. He clicked on the "Bisexual" tag and scrolled till he found a hot looking one. Then hit play. He didn't even need to let the whole thing run. He had to get back to Coach Mitchell's office pronto, anyway. But this would be enough. His Dad would know.

Ryan shut the video and stuffed his phone and earbuds back in his pocket. He washed up and made his way back. Now he was trying to play it cool in a different way, trying to calm his breathing and hoping that he hadn't totally fucked up.

***

Jim could barely look Ryan in the eye that evening. The father could not believe he'd been so incredibly weak that afternoon, but it had been a slow day at the office, and just, well... he was horny as fuck. He'd actually jerked off on Tuesday just looking at the names of the websites Ryan had watched. That's before the guilt had sunk in. He should be leading his son away from sin, in Christian stewardship.

Then that afternoon guilt gave way to horniness. He'd watched more. And not even thirty minutes later, Covenant Watch was sending its accountability report.

The thing that had caught him off guard now was that Ryan was doing his best to act cool. Jim knew his son was nervous as fuck, as nervous as he was, but every body language signal his son sent out over dinner or as he helped his Dad cleanup and do dishes was "it's cool, Dad."

The tension was still thick as they were alone in the kitchen. Ryan broke the spell, leaning in to whisper, "You mad at me, Dad?"

Jim shook his head. For all the emotions he was feeling he wasn't upset at Ryan. He had to wonder why he wasn't. "No..." he replied back in an equally soft whisper. "It's just we shouldn't have done it."

Ryan gave a grin, though it was more of a supportive one than a cocky one. Jim never felt as much as he did now that his eldest was all grown up, 18, fully sexual. "I know, Dad... it's just... knowing you were looking at those sites, too..." He didn't finish his thoughts be he didn't have to.

"Not my proudest moment," Jim said. "This stays between us?" He KNEW he shouldn't be asking his son to cover for his own shortcomings as a man and a father. Accountability had become conspiracy. But he also knew he didn't want Kelly knowing what he'd done. He'd rather lose face with Ryan than that.

"Course, Dad," Ryan said. "I guess that means I'm not grounded or anything..." OK, now that cocky smirk was there.

Jim had to laugh. "Nah, kiddo, you're not grounded."

The conversation had cleared the air a lot. Jim felt better, and as he got ready for bed that evening, he reflected that his own lack of conjugal connection with his wife had put him in the mindset where he'd stray. Not that he was blaming Kelly for any of his shortcomings. But the idea of the no-porn pledge was to channel his male desires into marriage.

But Kelly rebuffed his attempt to initiate sex that night. Any other night, it would have felt normal. Marriage was a partnership and both people had to want sex. That night, though, it was like Jim McCready was looking for a lifeline. Looking for his wife to save him from more debased desires.

Those desires came hard and heavy, as the father tried unsuccessfully to fall asleep. They continued even as he finally entered his deep REM sleep. And they were there when he woke up at 5 in the morning, rock hard as he'd ever been.

Jim lay awake thinking about the bisexual scene and how he wanted to watch more... how he got excited by the two guys kissing, or one dude sucking the other one. This wasn't the first time in his life that he'd had gay fantasies, but they seemed surprisingly strong now.

He looked over the clock. Earlier than he got up, but not too early, he decided. He slipped out of the bed and found some sweats to put on. He went to start the pot of coffee and then made his way to his home office and shut the door.

Last night everything had seemed clear in his head. He'd implied to Ryan that they'd stop this escalation. Only this morning, he was horny as fuck. Moreover, the more he replayed last night's conversation with Ry, the last he was convinced that his son saw it as a stop to things.

Already, Jim was pulling up Pornhub on his phone. With his heart beating, he clicked on the "Straight" selection on top and changed it to "Gay." The algorithm did the rest. The page filled with thumbnails of hot, muscled collegiate-jock looking guys. Handsome, clean-cut. Jim turned down the volume on the phone and pressed play for one...

***

Ryan woke up and when he looked at his phone there was a Convenant Watch notification. 27 forbidden sites accessed.

"Dad, you naughty fucker," he said aloud as he sat up in bed and looked at the full report. Already he was pulling down his briefs and taking his morning wood in hand.

***

Jim was a little disappointed that Ryan only watched one of the videos. Then he started getting freaked out. Maybe the gay video was a step too far. They'd shared some bi-ones, but this was different. As he got dressed for work after showering, his whole body shook. What if Ryan wasn't gonna keep this between them? If his son told anyone, Jim was royally and truly fucked.

But as he walked into the kitchen, everything was normal. His family was there eating breakfast. Ryan had gone through a phase of skipping breakfast or maybe just grabbing a breakfast bar, but now he was working out a lot and had football, and the kid now was eating nonstop.

"Morning, Dad," his daughter Olivia said as Jim came in and poured his second cup of coffee for the morning.

"Hey Princess," he winked, then Kelly greeted him, but mostly laid out the plan for shuttling the kids from practice that afternoon. Her bossy planning mode used to annoy the hell out of Jim, but now he appreciated how his wife kept it all running. They had four amazing children, who were growing up fast.

Some faster than others, Jim thought with a gulp as he looked over at Ryan, scarfing down eggs, sausage, and toast. At least the kid wasn't giving him the silent treatment or even seemed bothered.

It out the door time, now. Kelly took the two youngest, Sara and Mitchell, while Ryan would drive Olivia to the high school they both attended. Jim went to his office to retrieve his hard drive and papers to take in. He took one final check around to make sure he'd cleaned up the cum from earlier. It had been a big load, for sure.

He heard a knock.

"Hey Dad." It was Ryan's voice. Quiet, almost as his son stepped in and shut the door softly behind him. "Just wanna say, sir, you have good taste." Ryan had his normal polite kid demeanor, but that smirk coming back.

That caught Jim off guard. Ry's words but more than that his nonchalant approach. "Yeah, buddy?"

Ryan nodded, like he was getting turned on a little just talking to his father like this. "Oh yeah... I mean, I couldn't make it through one before losing it." His eyes locked with Jim's for a second. It turned the father on, and yet he also felt the earth was opening beneath him. Swallowing him to Hell. "Anyway... catch you later."

"Yeah," Jim croaked in reply. Mad that he couldn't be the responsible dad. Mad that he was letting his libido drive things. "Have a good day, son."

#drakestories

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esmedelacroix · 5 months

Text

15 days til' Christmas

planning to surprise husband!miguel o'hara with the best gift ever⋆꙳•̩̩͙❅̩̩͙‧͙ ‧͙̩̩͙❆ ͙͛ ˚₊⋆

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If there was one thing about Miguel that confused you it was what gift to get him for Christmas. You were always buying things that made you think of him or clothes that he would look handsome in(he looks good in literally everything).

But you couldn't help but feel like it wasn't enough. You couldn't help but feel like you needed more. You wanted to give him a gift that was tear-wrenching.

You thought that you would never get the opportunity to give Miguel the gift you thought he deserved. Until that opportunity presented itself in a certain two-lined symbol on a white stick you had peed on.

Right then you knew exactly what his gift would be this year. The only issue was that you had to keep this secret until Christmas which was in a whole week. But, you couldn't keep anything from Miguel for the life of you. What was worse is that he was incredibly perceptive and always knew when something was different.

You were already two months along and you never realized that you were extremely behind on your period until your period tracking app pointed out that you stopped getting your period after you logged unprotected sex during your fertile window.

You and Miguel were dating for three years before you got married and your second marriage anniversary was coming up. You weren't really trying for kids but the two of you didn't mind if you were to have one. You talked about it and you both felt ready so you started being more carefree about protection every now and then.

Miguel was used to taking three days off of work once a month to help you through your abnormally painful period cramps. He was so busy that hadn't realized you hadn't gotten your period.

You quickly got a long box and placed the pregnancy test in it before wrapping it up and putting it under the tree. There were already tons of gifts under the tree so it didn't seem weird at all.

You cleaned up your mess and right when you checked your watch you realized that it was seven o'clock. Miguel should be arriving any minute by now-

"Honey! I'm home!" you heard Miguel call out from the mud room. You could hear the noises of some bags indicative that he went grocery shopping like you had asked.

You rushed to the entrance and gave Miguel a big hug. You'd been missing him all day and it was taking every fiber in your body to not just tell him the great news right then and there.

"Woah amor, did you miss me that much?" he chuckled as he walked down the hall with you clinging to him.

You sat on the counter taking groceries out of bags as he put them away listening to him rant about how things were going at work. Most people wouldn't be very fond of listening to someone ramble about work for 30 minutes straight but Miguel wasn't a rambler he was a storyteller.

If he was going to tell you about his day, trust he would talk about it in a way that made it intriguing. He often made you laugh when he told you about some of the harmless silly rumors floating around at the office.

One thing that his fellow spiders other than Peter B would never know was that he enjoyed observing and gossiping about who was dating and who wasn't at Spider Society knowing that it was absolutely not his business.

The two of you thought yourselves to be cupids and would talk about what couple desperately needed to break up or who should be dating whom.

"Cariño I have a question..." Miguel started interrupting you laughing at his joke about who he thought Hobie should date.

"Yeah? What is it?" you asked in a more serious tone.

"Why haven't you gotten your period yet?" he asked.

Shit. Shit shit shit shit. You cursed to yourself trying to think of an answer.

"Well my period tracking app told me that it's because of my increased amount of weight training recently, it happened to me when I was 14 as well I lost my period for like half a year then," you explained.

"Huh, you never told me you've been going to the gym, you usually just run in the mornings," he said, accepting your answer. It almost hurt lying to him about this because he had so much trust in you that he believed everything you said.

"My practice closes at five now, remember? So I have a lot more time," you said.

"Oh I see," he said as he took out ingredients to make dinner.

He didn't really talk about it for the rest of the night and everything went smoothly but as you lay in bed that night in his arms you couldn't help but worry. What if you're not able to keep this up and the gift is ruined? All should be fine though besides you only have to keep from him for the next 7 days.

. . .

next part → 7 days til' Christmas

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taglist: @aripet22@to-the-endoftheline

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dduane · 1 month

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I just saw from your comment on the shrinkflation post that you’re also lactose intolerant with IBS. So listen. This weekend I made Nutella-stuffed chocolate chip cookies, and in doing so realised Nutella is a HUGE trigger for me. It’s been years since I ate it so it came as a total surprise. And the cookies were Amazing, so this is just crushing.

Anyway I see your post and I think, you’ve probably been doing this a while, I’ve seen on other posts that you like chocolate, perhaps you have also encountered this issue and have found a Nutella replacement that’s actually good?

Help me Obi Wan.

I wish I could be sure to be of some genuine help here, as IBS seems to be one of those Every Person Their Own Test Tube things. I may get good mileage out of a strategy, but yours may seriously vary.

Re: chocolate: I don't seem to be bothered by it as such. It's the associated milk content that seems to cause me the most problems, so I watch the package labeling closely for that—and fortunately EU package labeling as regards allergens and triggers is, by and large, very good.

I've been using the Monash University FODMAP method of helping to control IBS, but am surprised to find that its associated app doesn't seem to say anything about Nutella. (Which strikes me as a bit weird, but I may be searching incorrectly.) ...Casa de Sante (which is a third-party site that sells "gut supplements") suggests that Nutella is low-FODMAP due to containing fairly low amounts of known triggers. So, all right, that's nice.... but I'll still take that assessment with a grain of salt, as these are people who want to sell you IBS-adjacent supplements.

Here's where things get complicated, though. I do occasionally have a little Nutella (or the non-branded version of it that we get from our local supplier of baking goods, Kells Wholemeal.) And because I carefully restrain myself, I haven't as yet had any problems, because I always take a lactase supplement—a.k.a. Lactaid or similar—along with them. Because lactase is (relatively) cheap, and spending two or three days swollen up and in pain from having gotten careless with myself is not.

As regards the branded stuff, though, there's a problem. European Nutella and US Nutella are not the same animal... and the US version of Nutella is apparently disquietingly cagey about its labeling. It's apparently difficult to tell whether the portion size of the Nutella you're ingesting has enough skimmed milk powder and/or whey in it to set your lactose intolerance off.

My advice to you would be this (and as usual, you know what advice that costs you nothing tends to be worth... But anyway): don't eat Nutella without taking a Lactaid or similar first. Two reasons: (a) To cover your butt. (b) To help act in establishing a basis for any further diagnostics you need to do. If you have some Nutella after having taken lactase, and still have internal trouble afterwards, then it's a fair bet something else in the stuff is triggering the IBS side rather than the lactose-intolerance side of the equation. That soy-based lecithin, for example. I'd be a bit suspicious about that. (Soy, unfortunately, is one of my own triggers. I can still have tofu, but only so, so carefully.)

...And then, after that, act accordingly to what you've discovered. One thing about my intolerance that I do know: it's come and gone without warning* over many years—sometimes receding into the background completely, suddenly getting much worse without apparent rhyme or reason. So an amount of lactose that once wouldn't have troubled you very much might now be one that you have to watch out for. Or else you simply exceeded what is now a wise portion-control amount for you when you got into those cookies.

(sigh) It's the imponderables associated with handling this problem from day to day that are the most annoying aspect of it. I'm not wild about the wariness with which I have to approach a lot of foods these days—not least because this is Ireland, and in this historically heavily-dairy-based culture, food processors will sneak milk into any damn thing without warning. :) But you do what you've gotta do to get by... which means that, outside of the house, I don't put anything in my mouth without having the lactase pills nearby.

Anyway: hope this helps!

*It also doesn't help that my earliest attacks happened before lactose intolerance was widely recognized as being a problem for a significant portion of the planet's population.

#lactose intolerance #management strategies #Nutella

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system-of-a-feather · 6 months

Text

Alternative System Mind Mapping Method for Communication

[DISCLAIMER: This is not a professional or scientifically or anything really backed method, this is something coming solely from peer / personal experience.]

In regards to an anon ask earlier, I was thinking about it and one of the ways we've approached improving communication - particularly internal - in a way that is a lot less prone to flooding or dealing with trauma or anything too overwhelming - is by approaching it following the concept of Memory Webs

I haven't read up on them recently, but "Memory Webs" were a thing that our AP Psychology teacher in highschool made us do because the AP Psych test was term / jargon heavy. Memory in the human brain has been shown to be HEAVILY associative and the ability to remember and connect things tends to rely on following a "web" of connected topics, ideas, concepts etc from one idea to the next.

So in our AP Psych class, she gave us these GIANT books for Vocabulary Webs that we had to slowly work on, each of which required 6 other vocab words / related concepts, a summarized definition, and an image to represent it. By doing this, you added 6 cues to recall the word (increasing the chance you'd remember it), a visual cue, an episodic memory of working on it, and a definition - all in all improving how connected the word is to other concepts in your brain and making it easier to recall it.

I personally like to look at DID and our parts in a similar manner sometimes where the large issue is that a lot of the nodes in the web of associations are either disconnected or connected through a hard-to-find and/or small chain. In that sense, parts struggle to be held together because they are not associated concepts. It's hard to reach other parts because the dissociative walls (which in our unsubstantiated opinion is less a 'wall' and more so a lack of reinforced neural connections, so I would call them dissociative caverns) keep associations from forming

As a result, alternative to more traditional ways of mapping your system and parts, a method I've liked to internally visualize systems and navigating system dynamics is through a memory web manner. (I actually have never done it physically cause the Ray part of my brain - also the most prominent part writing this rn - rarely liked to front if he didn't have to and did a lot of stuff internally)

Here's a bit of a breakdown using six of our parts if any of you want to try it out.

We personally like it because it strips a lot of trauma and stress off of it and makes it a lot more of a positive and present engaging activity. For the purposes of this, I'll be using the free online app of Milanote cause we've used it before for OC associative webs and I think it'll do fine enough. (Honestly it actually might just be a good way to log alter information now that I'm looking at it if you are at a place in recovery where keeping track of that physically helpful)

So we can start by dropping down the parts we want to include in the form of boards

So from here, we have a bunch of disconnected parts. However, we find that a lot of these parts have things that mean a lot to them, that illicit a strong emotion or reaction from them.

Some parts may lack it more than others (often in our case trauma holders and/or trauma locked parts) and that's okay and to be expected. This is a visualization method and if there isn't much connecting a part that is 100% okay.

For demonstration sake, I will now add bubbles around each part of things that were pretty early apparent that each individual liked.

Also for the purposes of how I know our system works and how I plan to do this, I am actually moving Riku to the center and you will all see why Riku is such an S tier center point with this model

So you can see some connections forming.

Some key things you can take from this visual that also applied to earlier stags of how we connected

Lucille and Riku are and have always been pretty darn connected, they go back as one of the longest duos and were split almost as a pair to deal with academics

Chunn and Ray have a very shared interest of "I don't want to do anything leave me alone"

XIV literally was just a piece of shit early on and didn't have any immediate HARD connections with anyone largely because he never was interested in actually engaging in things he liked in a positive way as his "favorite emotion" at the time was "being pissed off"

Lin - an originally trauma stuck / loop - is very very poorly associated with anything that isn't overtly trauma related (and that is saying something cause Vocaloid is trauma related) and thus has very few connections to other parts

So looking at this though, there are a few things that have some similarities between parts. What you can do is make plans to try to foster the interests that you do have and try to generalize it a bit more to also encompass what interests other parts have. So lets engage in hobbies a little more - explore a few concepts that mean a lot to parts independently - and find some more generalized version of those hobbies

(forgot to add easy listening to Ray's and "only wearing monochrome*" to XIV's earlier) (*there are a lot of nuances and caveats)

Damn, look at that. It's messy and ugly to have in a 2D form. I absolutely hate it, this would be so impossible with our whole system. But HEY, it's very connected - and that's the goal.

Compared to the previous one, you can see how easily it can be for one part's interests to start to drift into another. Because they are largely and strongly associated features to each part, they are a lot more accessible when engaging in their shared / associated connections and interests which makes it easier for the them to stay together near the front, stay associated with one another, and work with and communicate with one another.

Of course anyone following this blog goes "Where tf is Birds" and that I left out because it would ruin the point of the web as it actually is one of our traditional "you are around the system a lot? okay pick a bird" which serves to 1) be a fun system culture thing 2) be a means of welcoming a part in and 3) helps establish a foundational connection; we do the same with music but with music its a lot more elaborate and I probably wont explain it for other reasons.

But overtime, by fostering interests that were already present and encouraging parts to broaden and generalize their specific interest a bit, you end up with a lot of overlapping associations that can greatly improve internal communication, co-fronting ability, and just general fluidity and easy of moving around the brain web.

It becomes a good way of trying to figure out what you can do to encourage and help build connections and associations between parts by seeing where things are similar / could have more overlap (combat and martial arts, different types of fashion, different types of music, different appreciation for arts, taking over the world, yada yada yada)

And you wanna know the coolest thing? When you step back from the whole web you can see certain things appear that stand out the most and have some of the most connections.

If you ever intend to go to Final Fusion, those are the things that will likely be the most prominent traits of your whole self

For us? [REDACTED BIRDS for the point of the demonstration], Music, Fashion, Taking over the World, Recovery and Healing, Buddhism, Martial Arts, Arts in general - they're all some of our largest traits that persist in almost all forms as individual parts, partially fused parts, and fully fused parts.

And the BEST part? Doing this didn't require us to touch trauma at all.

Of course in recovery that will come up cause PTSD doesn't ask permission, but its a very low stress way to help improve internal communication and engagement with one another.

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a-dinosaur-a-day · 3 months

Note

Do you have a list of dinosaur games you like/recommend?

I mean yeah, I have tons :'D

Modern Video Games:

PaleoPines is objectively fun

Jurassic World Evolution 2 is surprisingly good (and accuracy mods are a must)

Prehistoric Kingdom has a problematic past (but it's not like the other two don't), but it's shaping up to be a great game too (it's still in progress)

If we're including birds, which of course we should, Planet Zoo is... well, there are more birds now then there used to be. And mods add even more!!! I'm big on modding games what can I say.

WINGSPAN. WING. SPAN.

I like Saurian. I know why people don't, but I like it.

Goodbye Volcano High is still the best instance of Accurate-Ish Dino!Anthros I've seen

ROOTS OF PACHAAAAA (it has birds get off my back)

Alba: A Wildlife Adventure is super cute and FILLED with birds

Old Video Games:

if You haven't played DK 3D Dinosaur Hunter what are you doing

3D Dinosaur Adventure is amazing

Magic School Bus Explores in the Age of Dinosaurs is a classic

Zoo Tycoon 2 remains the best dinosaur park sim game somehow, and the mods are ridiculous

Jurassic Park Operation Genesis is a good time if you can get it to work

Mobile Games:

Tap! Dig! My Museum is SO CUTE

Wingspan is on here too

I've heard good things about *some* of the JW tie in apps but I don't use any of them

Board & Card Games:

Did I mention Wingspan???? Because Wingspan?????

Holotype is GREAT. I mean, it's basically a "my job" simulator so I can't play it all the time, but it's great

Fossilis is this great little obscure game that my spouse and I have fun with, it's kind of like holotype but different, it's fun

Puzzles and Toys:

EUGYS ARE AMAZING -> GET EUGYS NOW. NOW NOW NOW. EUGYYYYYSSSS

The Wingspan Puzzles are also fun

Safari has the best dinosaur toys

CreativeBeast has had... ethical issues. but the toys are cool.

CollectA Has great toys too

#dinosaurs #birds #recommendations #games #toys

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echobx · 2 months

Text

soulmates 1 - jj maybank x fem!reader

summary: y/n is on a double date with her boyfriend when she runs into her actual soulmate

warnings: none

word count: 3.5k

author's note: idk what to say

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In a world where you could hear your soulmate's thoughts, as long as they were thinking about you, as long as they were at least 16, it was still very difficult to find them. Most people would go their whole lives without even meeting the person they were connected to, most people had found their peace with it, and so had you…

“I'm taking you out for lunch,” your boyfriend, Kelce, pressed a kiss to your cheek. You had never heard his thoughts, but that was okay. Maybe you were secretly sad about it, but a lot of people had the same issues as you. You had anticipated your sixteenth birthday like any other kid, but even more so because your parents were soulmates, having grown up together they had gotten lucky. But you weren't blessed with the same luck. This wouldn't mean that you didn't love your boyfriend. No, Kelce was nice and sweet and loved to show you off to his Kook friends. The split between Kooks and Pogues had never been to your favor. Your parents were hardworking middle class, too poor to be Kooks, too wealthy to be Pogues.

“Where are we going?” You smiled at him. “Country Club, haven't been there in a while, especially with you.” He smirked and you had to laugh. “I see, you just wanna show me off,” you giggled, not at all foreign to the concept. You got up and tugged on your dress to make it fall evenly. “You are so beautiful,” he complimented you and leaned down into a kiss. You were an uneven couple, everyone could see it, but you didn't mind it at all. You knew that they all just saw him as the rich kid that got in fights with Pogues because he couldn't keep his mouth shut. But to you, he was kind and loving and just the best boyfriend you could wish for. He made you forget that you weren't even soulmates. “Will the others be there?” you asked while the two of you walked out of his house and towards his car. “Just Topper and I think his new girlfriend. He's been so up my ass ever since Sarah dumped him for that Pogue John B. I hope the new one will help,” Kelce said and held your door open so you could get in. “I hope he can forget about Sarah, it's not like they were soulmates,” you noted while he got in too. “Right?” “I don't know, he never told me,” Kelce shrugged and started driving.

It had been a real scandal when the Kook princess had run off with the Pogue, no one could understand why she would do such a thing, but to you, it was clear. You didn't have to look at them twice when you saw them around town, they were clearly meant for each other, they had gotten lucky. You hoped that you might find your person once you moved away to college. The statistical probability of finding your soulmate in a close radius to your home was pretty low. That's why multiple companies were now making big profits with the desperation of people who just wanted to be happy. They created apps and websites to “help” you find “the one”, but even those only helped in about 30% of the cases. All in all, your chances were pretty low, but you had just turned 17, and had been with Kelce for only three months. Your life was still ahead of you, your chances were still not completely low. But you also told yourself to not hope, to not get caught up in the search because you didn't want to end up like the people they sometimes showed on TV.

“… and then he just hits a hole in one on the last game, can you believe it?” Kelce laughed, and you realized that you hadn't paid any attention to his story. “Impressive,” you note and smile at him. “Yeah, but God, I miss that guy.” It took you a moment to figure out that he was talking about Rafe. Rafe Cameron, Kook prince, technically after the death of his father Ward, the new Kook King, but you didn't care so much about semantics. He had left Kildare, where to, you didn't know, but you knew he was out for the big money, just like his dad. You reached for your boyfriend's hand and held it, hoping he would find some sort of solace in your touch. You hadn't known Rafe well either, you still didn't know many of Kelce’s friends because you had mostly been focused on each other at the start. “I think he's gonna come back.” Your words gave him a bit of hope, and he smiled before parking the car.

Kelce got out and opened the door for you, like he always did, like a gentleman would. “Chivalry is a must,” your mom had always told you. From a young age on, she had made sure that you knew your worth and held your standards up high. “Thank you,” you blushed as he closed the door again and pulled you into his side. “We're going all out, sugar. Double dates deserve some extravaganza,” he chuckled. “Oh, how darling of you,” you said in a pretentious voice, and the two of you laughed even more. It was easy with Kelce, he made you feel good about yourself, and you had wished nothing more than for him to be your one and only.

You walked inside and someone guided you to your table, Topper and his new girlfriend, Sheila, already sitting there. “I'm sorry for being late,” you apologized to Top and gave him a quick hug before sitting down opposite of him. “Oh no, we were just a little early,” he brushed it off and then started talking to Kelce about a new boat he wanted to buy. You would've talked to Sheila if her eyes hadn't been fixed on the waiter.

He was tall, had blond tousled hair and his shirt sat tightly on his body, showing off that he had muscles although looking rather lean compared to Kelce. ‘Not bad,’ you thought to yourself, and his head perked up, and he started looking around. ‘Just a coincidence, nothing more, there are many people here who are thinking about him. He's working, of course you think about your waiter. Hell, Sheila hasn't been able to even take her eyes off him and Topper doesn't even notice,’ you had turned back to looking at Kelce, not noticing that the boy was now eyeing your table very carefully. ‘Don’t tell me she's a fucking Kook,’ you could suddenly hear an annoyed voice in your head. “Everything okay?” Kelce asked and brushed a strand of hair out of your face. “You look like you've seen a ghost,” he joked, and you shook your head, trying to regain composure. “Yeah, no, I'm okay, just remembered the time I saw a guy run over a cat. I don't know why I thought of that,” you lied, and he gave you a quick kiss. You couldn't let them know what had just happened to you, especially not Kelce, you couldn't break his heart.

“Topper,” the boy came over and greeted him with a fake smile, not even giving Kelce or you any attention. “JJ, nice to see you,” Topper laughed lightly. ‘JJ? Peculiar name,’ the thought popped into your head, but he didn't turn to you, instead he looked directly at Sheila, who seemed to be more than intrigued by him. “What can I get you?” JJ asked, still only looking at her. Topper ordered for the two of them, as well as for Kelce and you because JJ still hadn't paid us any attention. Then he walked away and you had to scoff.

“What an asshole, right?” you mumbled to yourself, and Kelce immediately kissed your cheek. “The amount of times I wanted to rip that smug smile off that Pogue’s face,” he hissed and watched JJ vanish inside. Your heart got heavier, it had been clear that there was something between them, but the fact that the boy enraged Kelce this much meant nothing good. “He couldn't seem to keep his eyes off of you,” you chuckled at Sheila, trying not to seem too disappointed by it. She laughed and put her hand on Topper’s shoulder. “Oh, that Pogue wishes.” But you knew the look she had given him, everything else was just a very bad lie in your eyes. “Yeah,” you laugh quietly, before getting up. “I'm gonna go freshen up just a little,” you told Kelce and he nodded. “Don't be too long, or I'll come find you,” he joked, a loving smile on his lips as you turned around and walked inside.

‘Fucking Sheila? Why her? Why not me? I was right there, asshole!’ you screamed at JJ in your mind, knowing well enough that he would hear it. ‘What are you talking about?’ the voice in your head replied, his voice. ‘I didn't even want a fucking salad, okay! I wanted fries! But no, you couldn't even dare to look at us and ask what I wanted. And now I'm stuck with a stupid ass salad, because Topper is stupid,’ you let out all of your frustrations as you checked your makeup in the mirror of the restroom. ‘Fuck!’ he exclaimed inside your head, and then it was silent again.

You got back to the table and just a moment later JJ arrived with two of the four plates. He still didn't give you any notice until he came walking back, with a steak for Kelce and a plate of fries for you. “She didn't order fries!” Kelce barked at him, but you just put your hand on his thigh. “I did, I changed my order inside,” you lied without giving JJ a single look. ‘Never seen Kelce act like a fucking dog. Who are you, pretty girl?’ JJ thought, but you couldn't let it show how much it made your heart falter. “Why are you still standing here?” Sheila asked loudly, and you finally turned around to look at JJ. Your eyes met, and you couldn't be sure if it had been your own or his thoughts that let a silent “wow” slip. “My bad, enjoy your food,” JJ said, still staring at you as he walked away, unable to take his eyes off of you, really. “Why was he looking at you like that?” Kelce asked and you gulped lightly. “I don't know,” you mumbled and started eating.

‘What's your name, pretty girl?’ his voice was back in your head, and you nearly would've spit out your water. ‘You already know mine, so it's only fair. And it's not peculiar. I just don't like what my parents chose, so I'm doing my own thing,’ he explained, and you could see him walking around, doing his job while very casually trying to get to know you. ‘I have a boyfriend,’ you remind him, but he just laughed inside your mind, a nice wholehearted laugh that sounded almost like music to you. ‘I’m glad you like my laugh, princess, but don't forget about your boyfriend. Isn't he the best? Only tried to kill me last year,” JJ’s words made you choke on a fry. “Hey, y/n, are you okay?” Kelce asked, and you nodded, taking a sip of water to try and calm your throat. “Yeah,” you said and tried to smile at him. You knew of his temper, being the only one who could calm him down most times, but you would have never thought that he would actually willfully hurt someone so much that they would potentially die. “We can leave if you don't feel so well,” he spoke in a soft voice, but you couldn't stop thinking about it. About how he must've hurt JJ, about what he could've done to him. “I'm fine, really,” you pressed out and turned back to your plate, half empty, but you felt like eating another fry would just cause you to throw up. “I'm just gonna use the restroom real quick,” you excused yourself and all three of them gave you a weird look, but let you leave without further questions.

‘Where did you go to, pretty girl? I didn't mean to scare you,” his voice was back in your mind. “Stop talking!” you screamed and stopped in your tracks, you hadn't even noticed that you had actually said it out loud until the whole Country Club was staring at you. Quickly, you ran towards the restroom and hid in a stall. You didn't know how much time passed as you hid and cried into yourself. This was definitely not how you had imagined it going, having him so close but so far, being caught in between a feud that you hadn't even known existed. ‘Hey, princess, he's getting impatient, and I really don't wanna deal with that shit,’ JJ whispered to you. ‘Y/n,’ you told him. ‘That’s my name. But everyone calls me y/n/n, apart from my parents, my parents call me Bean, because I only ate beans as a baby.’ You didn't even understand why you told him this very particular thing about yourself, when you had never let anyone know about your parents' weird nickname for you. ‘Cute,’ he chuckled. ‘Will you come out again? I don't want to have to come in there, and then have to give you back to him as if he should have any claim over you,” JJ muttered, he was disgusted by the thought of Kelce kissing you. ‘You don't have to be so mean, I can still hear you. Also, that's disgusting, he doesn't kiss like that,’ you thought but had to laugh about how weird he made it look in his head. ‘Makes it more bearable though,’ JJ admitted. ‘I have to talk to him, how the fuck am I supposed to do that? He already hates you.’ You buried your face in your hands. ‘I won't let him hurt you, princess,’ he replied to your thoughts and the more you talked to each other just like that, the less you had to fight yourself to hide it, everything got easier. It was like listening to music while doing homework, as long as you kept on concentrating on what was in front of you, the music wouldn't bother you too much. But it also could be all encompassing as soon as you let it. Yet you also wondered why he was so protective of you, a girl he had only just met. ‘My best friend had a lot of issues, Sarah got hurt in the process, not badly but still. I don't want that for you, for us,’ JJ explained, and you wiped your tears away. ‘Topper’s ex?’ you asked and stood up, wiping your dress down to seem more respectable again. ‘Sarah, yes, I bet you heard. Kooks and Pogues don't always mix well, but she's a Pogue now,’ he spoke of it so casually as if he didn't mind at all. “I'm neither,” you spoke up, but you knew he could still hear you. ‘Your boyfriend is a Kook, that's already too much,’ he said and the disgust that he held for Kelce was incredibly draining. “I don't choose who I fall for. It's not my fault,” you told yourself as if it was a manifestation.

‘Do you really love him?’ JJ asked just as you walked out of the restroom, he was leaning on the wall opposite of the door, eyeing you wearily. “I don't know,” you replied out loud, and he couldn't help but smile, suddenly everything you had thought to know of love was thrown out the window. This feeling was completely different from anything you had ever felt before, and you never wanted to feel anything else ever again. ‘I would kiss you, but I'm not gonna give him any ammunition to hate you more than he already will once he finds out,’ he thought as his eyes darted down to your lips. It was like you were frozen, both unable to move as you stood on each side of the hallway. ‘Probably better.’ You smiled and blushed a little over his boldness. “They have been asking for you quite a lot, wondering where you are, why you aren't coming back. And yet not one of them made a single move to go check on you,” JJ spoke with a low voice. “I should really go back then,” you whispered, and he gave you a small smile before you turned and walked back to the table. You knew he felt the small tingling feeling that settled in your guts, you knew he could feel you because you could feel it in him too. No one had ever mentioned that it wasn't just thoughts, but a direct connection into the inner world of the other.

“I'm sorry, I’m really not feeling too well,” you apologized while sitting back down at the table. Topper eyed you, and you felt like he knew, like he could see it in your eyes. “I can drive you home,” he suggested sweetly. “I don't want to cause any trouble, I can just call an Uber,” you said and turned to Kelce. “I'm really sorry.” “Nonsense, let Topper drive you home and if you don't feel better I'll just come by, and we can watch a movie together.” He smiled and put his forehead to yours. ‘Oh, vomit,’ JJ’s thought popped into your head just as Kelce placed a small kiss on your lips. “Uh, yeah, we can do that,” you told your boyfriend and got up. “See you later then,” you said and walked away with Topper by your side.

You didn't want to think of JJ; you didn't want to think of hurting Kelce; you didn't want to think at all, but as soon as you were sitting in Topper's pickup truck he turned to you. “Tell me it's not JJ,” he said as if you had committed a crime. “I don't know what you mean,” you lied. ‘We really gotta work on your lying skills, princess,’ JJ chuckled. “I know that look, I had to look at it for two months before Sarah admitted it to me. Promise me to not break his heart, it's already hard enough as it is,” Topper said and you nodded shyly. “I didn't want this,” you said, but JJ just laughed, and you had a hard time pushing him into the back of your mind. ‘Are you only good at lying when you're doing it to yourself?’ “I had hoped that it would be him, and then it wasn't, and I was okay with it. I didn't want this now, I was okay with it never happening. I don't want to hurt him,” you started crying and Topper leaned over and hugged you. He had never hugged you like that before, it felt good to be cared for by someone who wasn't Kelce for once. “Please don't tell him,” you whispered as Topper pulled away again. “I won't, but you should, as fast as possible, actually. It's only been three months, you haven't even said I love you yet, right?” Topper asked and turned on the engine. “Yeah, no, we haven't. I just don't know how to. How do you tell someone that?” you asked, but he couldn't give you an answer that wouldn't hurt either of you in the end. ‘You just say, “Hey, Kelce, you big asshole, I'm actually already bound by the universe to the very charming, extremely hot and sexy JJ Maybank. See ya’” or something like that,’ JJ told you, but you couldn't reply, your heart felt too heavy, heavier than you ever imagined possible.

“Top?” you asked quietly. “Yes, y/n/n?” the boy answered just as he stopped in front of your building. “Kelce hates him, JJ, I mean. They hate each other, don't they?” You already knew the answer, but you hoped for some more intel on it all. “Yeah, it's not pretty. I tried to stay out of it, it was mostly Rafe's fault, but the Pogues aren't that innocent either. It's better if you tell him before anything happens, trust me. I don't want to see you get hurt,” Topper explained with a sad smile. You didn't know that he cared so much about you, never truly having considered him your friend. “Will you look after him, or just make sure he doesn't do something stupid once I-” The words got stuck in your throat but Topper just nodded. “Took me some time to understand it, that you don't have a choice in this. He's gonna have to accept it,” he said, and you opened the door to get out. “Thank you,” you said and wanted to close the door to walk towards your home. “Y/n? If you need anything, you can just call me, just because you and Kelce are gonna end, doesn't mean we aren't still friends,” he told you and you nodded. “I'll remember, thanks for the ride,” you said goodbye and walked towards the apartment building.

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please don't copy and/or post my work onto other platforms! ~e©ho

part 2

#jj maybank #obx #my writing #outer banks #jj maybank x reader #obx fanfiction #jj maybank x you #jj maybank fanfiction #jj maybank fanfic #~fanfiction

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hoodharlow · 1 month

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Know My Name, Ring a Bell

AN: I saw a reel about women soccer players and thought "what if Miriam didn't get injured and she still played" so here y'all go. Ty to my faves Ezra, @heavyhitterheaux , and Cherry for saying yes 🤭🤭🤭

Warnings: Jack embarrassing himself, Mateo yelling at Miriam (tw to those that have parents issues), rude people, and a resolved misunderstanding

Requested: me and my faves

Word Count: 4.9k words

Jack choked on his hot chocolate, feeling the cocoa powder remnants on his throat. It was the first and last time he was buying hot chocolate from a concessions stand. He tossed the drink in the trash, $5 down the drain.

He was going to a Racing Louisville FC game, Louisville's women's team. His childhood friend, Larissa played for the team and for once Jack was free so he went to see her play. They were playing Angel City FC.

The stadium didn't get as full when the women played, much less when they played early in the morning. So Jack took advantage and roamed around without any security. He jogged down the steps towards the front. There was only one other person sitting in his section. They had an iPad and tripod set up. Jack wondered if they were from FIFA. Larissa told him they were scouting for the US team because it was their year playing at the World Cup.

Their phone rang and the person removed the large hood from their winter coat, revealing none other than Mateo Dominguez. He was Jack's favorite soccer player. It took everything in Jack not to interrupt his phone call. He'd met Mateo a few times in passing at events but he'd never had a full on conversation with him.

“No, I haven't told her. I'm waiting until after the game. Amor, you know how Miriam gets. I want her to concentrate on the game.” Mateo said.

Jack grabbed his phone and texted Urban that their fave was sitting three seats away from him. He then busied himself by checking the weather app so it's obvious that he's not eavesdropping on him talking about his youngest daughter. Miriam Dominguez-Miller was a force to be reckoned with. Jack learned about her through following Mateo on instagram and briefly through Larissa because they played together in college. Miriam played for UC Berkeley and after she graduated she went to Brazil to play for their women's league in Rio until this past December she was bought by Angel City FC. From the 3am rabbit holes he went on, according to the reddit threads he read, Miriam wasn't liked by her team. Apparently they thought her dad bought her place because he had connections with the team. He and Isabela, Miriam's mom, sponsored a little girls league for underprivileged girls to play for free.

Jack seen a few games and he could see the hostility between Miriam and her teammates. While Miriam was naturally good, it didn't help that she had a bad temper and played aggressively when provoked.

“You're Jack Harlow, right?” Mateo asked. “I'm Mateo. We met a few times.”

“Yes, that's,” Jack's voice cracked. He coughed. “‘Cuse me, yes that's me. I remember you, sir. It's always an honor to see you, even more so now because you're in my hometown.”

“My baby is playing today.” He said, rubbing his hands nervously.

“Nervous?” He asked Mateo.

“There's a lot riding on this game for Miriam.” He looked over to Miriam.

Her team was stretching a few feet from her with their backs to her so she couldn't join their circle. Jack watched her look down at her wrists and mumble something under her breath. Miriam got up and scanned the stadium. Her eyes met Jack's but then skipped over to her dad. She jogged to him.

“Papi, can you hold these?” She removed two gold bracelets from her wrist.

“Ay, Miriam.” Mateo shook his head, stuffing them in his coat pocket.

“Sorry, I got–”

“Go, you're wasting time.” He cut her off, motioning her to go back to her team.

Miriam glanced over to Jack and he pretended to be entranced with the way his apps were organized. Though, he didn’t miss that dirty look she gave him before walking away. He frowned, confused why she would even look at him like that. He only interacted with her once at the Met Gala last year. She was dressed by Givenchy like him and they spent the entire evening talking. She gave him her number and everything. Then a few days later when she went back to Rio, she posted herself working out to NUN FREE on instagram but she blocked him when he slid in her dms.

The game started a few minutes after. Right away Miriam's teammates forgot she was also on the field. She yelled at them that she was open but they ignored her. If the ball did get near her one of her teammates would intervene before she could even touch the ball. As the game progressed Jack could see the frustration get to Miriam. The referee blew the whistle, indicating half-time. Louisville was winning 2-0.

Jack not so subtly watched how the shorts hugged Miriam’s ass as she jogged to the one teammate that kept taking the ball. Jack couldn't hear from where he was sitting but they were having a heated argument. The player got in Miriam’s face so the logical thing Miriam did was put her hand in front of them to create space between them. Her teammate took it the wrong way and shoved Miriam. She stumbled back a few steps, but caught herself. She went after her teammate and pushed her to the ground. The ref saw their exchange and pulled out a red card on Miriam, ejecting her from the game. Beside Jack, Mateo cursed and packed up his set up.

He turned to Jack before going up the steps and defeatedly said, “Guess we'll be seeing each other more.”

Miriam was fuming, but her dad was even more pissed. The entire ride to the hotel Mateo was silent. Miriam hated getting aggressive. She didn't mean to push her teammate; it was an act of self-defense. Her teammate got in her face and took the frustrations of losing out on Miriam. All Miriam told her teammate was to pass her the ball so they could try to score at least. Her teammate took it personally and got in Miriam's face, calling her a bunch of rude names.

As they made their way to their shared suite, Miriam turned on her phone. The second it came to life her phone flooded with notifications. Texts from friends and families, her Instagram was blowing up with comments, and lastly the Google alert she had on herself also went off. One particular article caught her attention. ‘MIRIAM DOMINGUEZ-MILLER TO BE TRADED, TEAM TBA.’ She tried to scroll down but the website bombarded her with ads.

“I'm being traded?” She asked her dad.

“Yes.” He said, nonchalantly.

“Wha– why?” She frowned.

“Because you don't fucking listen to me, Miriam.” He sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “You're a fucking liability. You and that fucking attitude can only get you so far with my help.”

“I get attacked by my own teammate and I'm supposed to stand there?” She snapped.

“You fall into their traps cada pinche vez, Miriam.” He yelled back. “Do you think I don't know what it's like to know your teammates don't fuck with you? I dealt with that shit for years and didn't let every little comment get under my skin.”

Miriam felt herself get small. She sat on a chair and pulled her knees up, hugging them.

“Today was your last strike. They told me that if you got aggressive you were getting traded.” Mateo said, grabbing a water bottle from the mini fridge.

Miriam frowned. “Why didn't you tell me? I would have kept calm or–”

“I know you, Miriam. You would've tried to keep it together for a few games then blow up. You have to deal with the consequences. I've told you countless times to stay focus on the game and not–”

“It's not fucking fair that when my teammates provoke me, I'm the only one dealing with it. I never instigate anything.” Tears rolled down her cheeks.

Miriam hated crying in front of her dad. She didn't want him to think she was weak.

“I know you don't, Miriam.” He patted her shoulder.

“Where am I going to go now? Nobody fucking likes me.” She sniffled.

“I've been making calls and Racing Louisville has an opening. Lucky for you, one of their players is pregnant and they don't want to go through tryouts.” Mateo said, not looking up from his phone.

“You want me to stay here? In Kentucky? Papi, no.” She whined.

“It's this or we look for international teams.” He shrugged.

Miriam sighed. As much as she loved playing in Rio, she couldn't move abroad. She missed her family way too much. Kentucky may be far from LA but it didn't compare to her being in a different continent.

“Fine.” She agreed defeatedly.

Mateo nodded. “Excellent, you have three weeks to move here before they officially announce you joining their team.”

***

“Dude, I'm not inviting her.” Larissa told Jack.

“It's my birthday.” He pleaded. “I have to give it back to her.”

After the game, Jack found one of the bracelets Miriam gave her dad before the game for safe keeping on the ground. He figured it must've fallen when he was rushing to deal with the few sports reporters. Jack tried dm'ing Mateo but he never responded.

“Or you could just give it to me. I don't see why you're doing the most when I could just return the bracelet to her.” Larissa arched an eyebrow at him.

“I have to talk to her. We're going to be seeing more of each other now that she moved here.” Jack explained.

“We live in a decently populated town not some small town where everyone knows everyone and who's fucking the deacon. Besides, she has her reasons why she doesn't fuck with you.” She mumbled that last part.

“You know, don't you?” He asked.

Larissa shook her head. “I'm not getting in the middle of whatever you have made up in your head.”

“Riss, c'mon.” he sighed.

“I gotta go get ready for my hot date. I'll see you in a few days.” she waved before she left his place.

Jack sighed once more and plopped on his couch. Larissa was right. He could just give her the bracelet and everything will be fine. But the people pleaser in him couldn't let go of why she didn't like him. Not to toot his own horn, but he was liked by many. So Miriam not liking him bruised his ego. He couldn't process how one minute she's laughing and holding onto his arm as he tells her another joke. Then days later she blocked him.

It took him a few days to work up the courage to dm her. To his luck she posted one of his songs and used it as an in. He wanted to hear her laugh again. It had been a while since he made anyone laugh like that. The last time was probably in Brazil when he was performing at Lollapalooza. He and a few friends were invited to Anitta's birthday party. He ran into a girl who spoke English and spent the entire time talking to her and making her laugh. One thing led to another and they found a guest room.

Jack closed his eyes and his mind went back to that night. It was pretty hazy. He was jet-lagged from all the traveling and performing. But he did remember the soft brown he stared into as he came twice. His mind slowly expanded those eyes into a face.

“Miriam!” He yelled to himself.

He had hooked up with Miriam. He cursed himself. How could he forget that he literally was inside of her. But that still didn't answer why she blocked him days after the Met Gala. If the sex was bad, it wasn't, she would've been prompted to block him then. But she didn't. Something must've happened but for the life of him he couldn't remember. The days after the Met Gala he spent them promoting his album. This entire thing was going to bother him.

His phone began to buzz from the coffee table. Jack walked over and checked who it was.

“‘Sup Zack.” He answered.

“Hey man, I landed a while ago but I wanted to ask if I could invite a friend. She moved here recently. She's pretty chill and gets the whole private party thing in case you're worried about her posting.” Zack said.

“Yeah, just give me her name so I can have Neelam add her to the list.” Jack said, pulling up the Google doc.

“You probably know her since you're into your home teams. Her name is Miriam Dominguez-Miller, she just started playing for the women's soccer team here.”

Miriam twisted her wet curls into a bun and quickly got dressed. She just completed her first week of practice with her new. They were a 180 from her previous team. They were kind and were nice to her. They treated her like the team player that she was. She found a groove with her new teammates and they let her be herself.

She started a bit after every practice she would sing a song for their tiktok and Instagram reels. Her song choices ranged from Bad Bunny to showtunes to Glee covers. The other day she sang 96000 from In the Heights and Lin Manuel Miranda reposted it. Her old team tried to shade her by doing their own singing but it backfired on them because they weren't good singers. Miriam was and her comments were filled begging her to use her nepotism privileges to get into singing or on Broadway.

For a minute she almost got into music and even recorded some demos with an old hookup but she focused more on soccer. Maybe in the future once she retired from playing then she would pick it up. But for now all her focus was soccer and getting into the USA team for the World Cup in the summer.

Dione, one of her new teammates, passed her the mini mic when they walked to the parking lot. “It’s now time for song of the day-yyay-ay with Miriam.”

Miriam pressed shuffle on her phone and Hot Girl by Megan Thee Stallion began to play. She set her bag down and performed for them. A few teammates joined in and danced along to her rapping. They all belted out ‘Don't get mad hoe, get a bag hoe!’ chorus. Miriam dropped her winter coat, wearing only her cropped workout top and its matching leggings that made her ass big. She lifted one leg on the back bumper of her car and twerked with one leg as she finished the song. She bowed and handed the small mic to Dione. They went their separate ways after. Miriam stayed in her car for a bit.

She scrolled through her pictures and picked a picture of her and Larissa at UC Berkeley, then one of her in her new away jersey and from a few days ago of her and Larissa at practice. She added a cheesy caption and posted it on Instagram. Her comments began flooding in. She exited out of the app and went to spotify and played some Bad Bunny for her drive home. She started her car and reversed out of her parking spot.

She was belting out Un Ratito when she got an incoming text from Zack Bia. He was a friend, well he was her siblings friends and she would tag along here and there whenever she was in LA. They weren't really that close but they ran in the same circle of nepo babies. He was in town DJing for someone's birthday and invited Miriam to the party. She said maybe and to ask whoever it was if it was okay for her to tag along.

Miriam decided to wait until she got to her apartment to read the message. She was still getting used to driving in Louisville, and driving overall. Once she arrived, she set her practice equipment in the small laundry room and changed into more comfy clothes. She ordered herself some dinner.

She finally settled in her velvet green couch and played a movie while she waited for her food. Miriam then looked at whatever Zack sent her. ‘Jack said it's cool.’ She frowned and replied back, asking who he was referring to. ‘Jack Harlow, he lives here. He's chill.’ He sent her another message with instructions and a QR-code for her. Miriam left him on read.

There's no way she was going to his birthday party. Especially after what happened at the Met Gala. What he said was so rude and she was blindsided from his actions. Since then she vowed to never be in the same room as him if she could help it.

•••

@'mdm: reunited with my better half @'larissa12 💜🤍 ty to @'racinglouisvillefc for the amazing opportunity and for welcoming me into the family

@calwsoc: two pretty best friends

@'larissa12: ilysm

@'katdominguez: can I have the Versace heels you left in LA

-> @'mdm: touch my shit y vas a ver 🩴

-> @'josephdominguez: can I move into your old room

-> @'mdm: no!

@'zendaya: booking a flight to see you play

@'oldteammate: miss you 🥺

@'racinglouisvillefc: 💜🤍

@'miriamhater: imagine your dad being a legendary soccer player and you end up playing for Kentucky of all teams because you're a liability 🤣

View all comments

•••

Jack jogged up the steps to the balcony where the DJ booth for Zack was set up. Zack had told him that Miriam said she was going to come but Jack hadn't seen her. He'd done laps around the venue looking for her. He had her bracelet in his car and wanted to give it to her. He also told himself that if Miriam didn't show up to just accept it and give Larissa the bracelet to give to her.

“Has your friend shown up yet?” Jack asked him casually.

“What friend?” Clay asked Jack.

“No one.” His older brother mumbled.

“You know Mateo Dominguez, right?” Urban began. Clay nodded. “Well his daughter plays for Louisville and Jack has a thing for her but he's an idiot and already fucked it up.”

“Oh my fucking god, grab the mic tell the rest.” Jack rolled his eyes.

“She got here like five minutes ago and she's at the bar.” Zack said, without looking away from his monitor.

Clay, Urban, and Jack all looked over the balcony. Miriam was sitting in the corner on her phone in one hand and she was chewing nervously on her thumb.

“How the fuck do you fumble her?” Clay asked.

“I didn't…it's complicated.” Jack explained vaguely.

“I'm getting her side. Cuz knowing you, it was deserved.” He said before making his way down.

“Clay!” Jack called after him.

Clay reached the bar and introduced himself to Miriam. Jack stood far enough that Miriam wouldn't see him but close enough that Clay could see that he was waving him over to leave Miriam alone. But his younger brother ignored him. In fact he stayed with Miriam for another five minutes making her laugh with whatever he was telling. Having enough of that, he went over to where his parents and other family members were.

“Mom, go get your son.” Jack nodded over to Clay.

Maggie over. “Oh she's gorgeous, good for Clay.”

“Don't say that.” He frowned.

“Do you not think she's pretty?” His mom asked.

“Of course I do, but…it's complicated. And Clay is making it worse.” He rolled his eyes.

“What did you do to her?” She crossed her arms.

“Why does everyone think I did something?” Jack sighed.

“Baby, I say this with love, but I know you.” Maggie rubbed his arm. “I don't know what happened or what all of this is about but I know you didn't intend for whatever to go about the way it did. Just be respectful and don't overstep any boundaries. Okay?”

“Yeah.” Jack nodded.

He looked over to Clay and Miriam and sighed defeatedly. Jack made his way out to the parking lot for some fresh air. He leaned back on the cool brick wall, feeling the music thump against his back. He sipped his can of phocus and closed his eyes.

The door flew open. He heard heels click against the sidewalk, in a pacing pattern.

“Hey, sorry I couldn't hear you.” The voice.

It was Miriam. Jack cursed and pushed himself off the wall to inside. He dropped his drink, making her look back at him. He cursed as the can rolled to her. He was trying to be sneaky so she wouldn't see him.

“Clau, can I call you tomorrow after practice? Okay, bye, love you.” Miriam placed her phone in her small Prada bag. She bent down and picked up his can. “You dropped this.”

“I did.” he nodded.

“Do you want it? There's still some.” She said.

“I should recycle it.” Jack said, taking the can from her. “Thanks.”

“You're welcome.”

They both stood in silence waiting for the other to say something.

“I have your bracelet.” “Your party seems fun.” They said the same time.

“Sorry, you first.” They said in unison.

Jack nodded for her to go first.

“Your party seems nice. Uh, happy birthday.” She pulled put a decently sized box from her large leather jacket. “There wasn't, like, a gift table so I didn't know where to put it. I was going to give it to your brother so he could give it to you but he randomly left me at the bar.”

“He does that. He floats around to different people. And thanks for this.” Jack said. “I'm pretty sure you're the only person to actually give me a gift besides my parents and grandparents.”

Out of curiosity of what she could've gifted him, he opened the box. It was a Brunello Cucinelli cheese cutlery set. Jack never heard of the brand before but he figured it was expensive.

“Gonna go ham at Morris Deli and buy a shit ton of cheese.” Jack said, pulling out his keys.

His car was the closest to them. He unlocked it and placed the gift under the passenger seat. He grabbed a small key and used it to open the glove compartment. He took out Miriam's bracelet.

“Here,” he handed her her bracelet. “I'm sorry it took me this long to return it. I should've just given it to Riss. I shouldn't have taken it hostage. I get why you blocked me. I'm sorry if I pushed you back in Brazil and crossed any other boundaries.”

“What night in Brasil?” Miriam's eye brows furrowed.

“At Anitta's birthday party. We hooked up…that's why you blocked me after the Met Gala last year.” Jack said.

“Oh my god, that was you?” Miriam laughed. “That night was a blur. I was in Brasília for a tournament and flew to São Paulo in the night. All I remember is some white guy being way too enthusiastic for missionary sex.”

“I mean they call me missionary Jack for a reason.” He smirked. He then frowned. “That doesn't explain why you blocked me. I had a nice time hanging out with you at the Met.”

“I get fashion isn't everyone's thing but I love going above and beyond for the Met. It's the fucking Met. I don't appreciate people being all nice to me there and then going to some radio show to talk shit about me.” She said, crossing her arms.

“What does that have to do with me?” He asked.

“That's literally what you did? Are you seriously going to act like you didn't?” Miriam frowned.

“Because I didn't.”

“Yes you fucking did. It was for some radio with the lady that talked shit about Kehlani when they were promoting their album.”

It took Jack a second but then he remembered. “That shit was taken out of context. They used that clip for clicks. I was actually complimenting you and the other people that put effort into the Met Gala.”

“Oh…wow, I feel like an idiot. I'm sorry.” Miriam felt her cheeks heat up.

“You're fine. Why don't we start fresh? I mean we're going to be seeing a lot of each other, I don't want any bad energy between us.” Jack suggested.

“I'd like that.” She smiled.

Just like that they fell into conversation. They caught each other up in what happened with them in the almost year. Miriam told Jack about how she played for a few more months in Brasil then went to Germany to film a secret project she couldn't talk about yet. Then she moved back to LA. Jack told her about filming White Men Can't Jump and how he toured for almost six months straight. He even confessed to her that in the last few months he'd been working on an album for shits and giggles.

Miriam’s feet began to hurt from her heels so they went to sit on the sidewalk edge. They sat pretty close, giggling and whispering among themselves. They were so wrapped up in each other that they didn't hear the door open until they Clay's voice.

“Riss, the cake can fucking wait.” He said, pulling Larissa back. He gave Jack and Miriam an apologetic look.

Larissa pulled her arm back. “They want you to cut the cake, Jack.”

“We should go.” Jack told Miriam. He got up and stretched down his hands for Miriam to use them to pull herself up.

“Thanks.” She said dusting her backside.

Jack went in with Clay. Miriam followed behind Larissa.

“I thought you hated Jack.” She told Miriam when they hung back as the other party goers circled around Jack and Urban.

“It was a misunderstanding. We resolved it.” Miriam said.

“It better be. I don't want to get in the middle again.” Larissa sipped her drink.

“I never asked you to be. I would actually appreciate it if you didn't. Your friendship with Jack should be separate and objective to our friendship okay?” Miriam said.

“Fine, just don't come venting to me. Jack's a playboy and I recommend that you don't get involved with him.” She said.

“Like I just said not even a minute ago, I'm not asking nor looking for your opinion of what happens between me and Jack. But if knowing helps you sleep at night, I'm setting it straight that we're just going to be friends. And honestly, i don't like how you're bringing up my personal life right now.”

“You're right. I'm sorry, Mimi. I'm just looking out for the two of you. From now on you won't hear a peep from me about this.” Larissa said apologetically.

“Thank you.” Miriam smiled.

They gave their full attention to Jack and Urban. Miriam made a mental note to get Urban a present. She didn't know it was also his birthday party until she got to the venue. She felt bad because she only got Jack something.

The rest of the party went by fast. Jack introduced Miriam to his friend group. She noticed how the girls in the group all shared a look when Jack mentioned that she was a friend of Larissa but she didn't say anything. Larissa wasn't everyone's cup of tea. She could be intense and sometimes people mistake that for her being mean. Miriam grew accustomed to it so she didn't mind it. Larissa left half an hour after the cake with the guy she was kinda seeing so Miriam didn't get to hang out with her, but she was seeing her the following morning at practice.

By the end of the party, Miriam was still there. She spent the majority of it talking to Jack. She even met his parents and they mentioned how Jack was a huge fan of her dad.

“Where’s your car?” Jack asked Miriam as they left the venue.

“Oh I'm getting an Uber.” She said, typing away.

“Let me take you home. It's late.” He said.

“I don't want to impose.” Miriam said.

“It's fine. C'mon.” He opened the passenger door for her.

“Thanks.” She smiled.

Jack handed her his phone with Spotify open. “The longevity of our friendship is going to be determined by who you play.”

“I was just gonna play Bad Bunny so I don't fall asleep in your car.” she said.

“Good answer.” He said in a tone he had no business talking to her.

Miriam regretted mentally friendzoning him. But she also didn't want to cause any drama so it was that they just stay friends. No matter how hot she thought it was that he backed out of the parking lot. She was so mesmerized by how good he looked driving that she completely forgot that she put in her address and was surprised that he pulled up to her building.

“Damn, even I can't afford living here.” Jack said, taking in the luxury building.

“Ugh, I didn't even want to live here but my dad insisted.” Miriam sighed.

“Fuck your dad for wanting you to live in one of the most opulent parts of town.” He said in the same tone as her.

“Oh my god you make me sound so spoiled.” She laughed. She glanced at the time on his touch screen. It was almost three in the morning. “I should get going. I have practice in, like, four hours.”

Jack quickly got out and opened the door for her.

“Thanks for the ride.” She smiled softly. “And I'm glad we sorted all that out.”

“Me too.” He smiled back.

Miriam stood on her tippy toes and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Jack hugged her back. They slowly pulled apart but still held onto each other. Jack cleared his throat. Miriam turned her head, only inches away from his. Her eyes drifted down to his lips and back to his blue eyes. He waited for her to make the first move, but it never came.

“Thanks again, Jack.” She said, taking a step back.

“Night Miriam.” He said.

Miriam smiled and made her way to the lobby door. The doorman opened the door and let her in. Jack stayed until he saw her go in the elevator before heading back to his place. Once settled in his pajamas he looked through all the pictures taken at the photobooth. He found the one he was looking for and posted it.

•••

@'jackharlowsource: Jack with Miriam Dominguez-Miller, the daughter of his soccer player and the newest player of @'racinglouisvillefc via Instagram Stories

@'jackfan: I know shipping people irl is bad but hear me out...

@'mdmfan: this is the randomest link up ever

-> @'jackstan: one of her teammates from college is a childhood friend of Jack's and she's friends with Zack Bia

@'jackharlowstan: oh he's obsessed with that family 😭

@'miriamhater: I hope Jack stays away from her. She's a bitch and fights her own teammates, that's why she got traded to Louisville

-> @'miriamstan: you mean when her old teammate provoked her and initiated the fight? Yeah don't speak on her

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#jack harlow #jack and miriam: soccer edition #jack and miriam

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ms-demeanor · 6 months

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how do you factor brushing your teeth into the "letting yourself fall asleep while doing stuff" strategy?

Well let's preface this with the fact that I'm kind of a disaster:

I brush my teeth in the morning.

Sometimes I'll brush my teeth right after dinner (and I'm usually finishing dinner at like 10pm) and then I'll be up for another few hours and I just. Like. Try not to sweat it? I probably brush my teeth around 10-12 times a week, which is less than the recommended twice a day but honestly for me is a pretty significant improvement over where I was in, like, 2013. Getting to daily tooth brushing was a significant achievement that I had to start using an activity tracking app for. Washing my face daily is still a struggle. I am *not* great at being what a lot of people seem to consider "normal" or "functional" but I'm getting by and I'm getting better.

Ideally in a perfect world where brushing my teeth wasn't going to mean that I'd be awake for another three hours I'd brush my teeth right before tucking myself into bed in my PJs with the lights off.

But it *is* going to mean that so I brush my teeth and floss when it's not going to impact that and fall asleep in a bright room with my glasses and jeans on.

And TBH it's working out. I've got pretty fucky teeth anyway (double row of wisdom teeth, teeth when i was a couple weeks old, had all my adult teeth by the time I was seven, have had something like eight root canals and have a shitload of crowns) so it's hard to say if this has had an impact on my dental health (had a lot of those crowns and root canals when I was brushing and flossing twice daily because my parents made me as a kid) but since my last "i haven't been to the dentist in nine years and my damaged tooth broke in half during the first month of covid" fiasco I've been brushing every morning and flossing mostly every morning and getting in extra brushing and flossing when I can, I haven't had any further cavities or other issues past treating what nine years of neglect did (it's been 3 years of being pretty okay and they don't tell me that i need to floss more at the dentist so i consider that a success).

At one point a dentist told me that plaque buildup starts after about 24 hours of the bacteria in your mouth being undisturbed and that the 2x daily recommendation is to make sure you don't go 24 hours without shaking the little fuckers up. I don't actually know if that's accurate, but it has helped me to be more regular about brushing my teeth (look; depression and adhd is a bad combo and there were some rough years there) and also helped me to be more regular about brushing my dog's teeth.

So anyway please don't follow my example please do what your dentist tells you to do but also yeah if you're having sleep issues it may be more important for you to get sleep than to get up and brush your teeth right away. Brush in the mornings for sure, try to do it every day, use a toothpaste with fluoride and floss or use a waterpik to get below the gumline; then try to get in another brushing when you can, ideally at least one other time a day.

But you don't have to brush exactly twelve hours apart or right before you go to bed, and if you're eating and drinking after you brush your teeth but before you go to bed it isn't ideal but it also isn't a disaster.

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magpizza · 5 months

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Mag's Sapphic Book Recs

Hey! @fairymascot sent a few of you my way who are looking for some sapphic book recs! I have compiled a list of 50 or so books, both Adult and YA, across the genres I read. These are just my personal favorites, and I encourage you to look further into any book that piques your interest!

For where I go for books, I go to my local library a lot and can't sing the praises of the Libby app enough for borrowing ebooks and audiobooks. I also always encourage those who can to get their books from independent bookstores or sites like bookshop.org.

ADULT

I wanna feel sad or stressed out! -Everyone in This Room Will Someday Be Dead by Emily R. Austin - Gilda is anxious, depressed, and jobless, so she accepts a receptionist job at a catholic church and becomes obsessed with what happened to the woman who had the job before her. A book I felt really deeply as an anxious person myself. -All The Little Moments by G. Benson - Anna's career-focused world is turned upside down when her brother and sister-in-law pass away and she is left to take care of their two young children. This one is a real tearjerker and the romance with the woman Anna meets is very very sweet. I've read almost all of G. Benson's books and found them all to be absolute winners (Purposefully Accidental is excellent, also deals with grief though is more lighthearted and has some of the best dialogue I've ever read). -Landing by Emma Donohue - This is such a lovely, meaty book that explores the complexities of people, as well as the challenges a burgeoning relationship can go through. The MCs face distance, age difference, culture differences, different life goals, etc. The characters around them were also surprisingly deep and interesting. It had me on the edge of my seat as to how it would resolve. -I Keep My Exoskeletons to Myself by Marisa Crane - this one is a bit sci fi, but I felt the sad outweighed the sci fi classification. A future world where you are marked by your crimes by being given an extra shadow, a woman has to navigate single motherhood with her daughter having been given an extra shadow from birth. It was somber, it was lovely, I felt so much weight in my heart. -Whisper of Solace by Milena McKay - If you like terrible women doing terrible things to each other in the name of their careers but also obsession and love, this one is for you! One of the most unique Ice Queen POVs I have read!

Okay, I'm sad enough, now I want a happy romance! -Wherever Is Your Heart by Anita Kelly - Even as a lover of romance myself, few books have made me swoon like this one. Two older butch women finding love much later in life and being realistic about their issues and problems, I just absolutely adored the grounded conversations they had. Also a very quick read! -Breaking Character by Lee Winter - This is one of the most enjoyable, fun, heartfelt romances. It's Hollywood, it's fake dating, it's age gap. Both characters go on such a lovely journey together. This is one I would highly encourage you to listen to the audiobook as Angela Dawe is amazing at doing all the character voices and accents. Additionally, there is not a single Lee Winter book I haven't liked, so highly recommend any of hers (The Awkward Truth is my second fave of hers, with a unique and younger ice queen). -The Carlisle Series by Roslyn Sinclair - You honestly can't have a sapphic romance list without this series. It's adapted and updated from Roslyn's Devil Wears Prada fanfic, but this is a story all its own and had me tearing up at the ending. I did the exercise of reading both the books and the fanfic which was very fun to compare! -Something's Different by Quinn Ivins - This is one of the sweetest books, I smiled all the way reading it. A woman has to step in to cover for her twin sister at her job while her sister goes off with her boyfriend, and she ends up falling for her sister's boss. It was a lovely book that also touched on mental health. I also love an academic setting, and it made statistics fun to learn about! -Bright Falls Series by Ashley Herring Blake - This 3 book series is so fun, just true romcom goodness. The characters are fun and interesting, they have complex relationships with each other, and I love how the author sets up these little ways the characters think is truth or reality, only to find how differently they perceived things.

Give me some scary ones! -The Luminous Dead by Caitlin Starling - cave spelunking in a tricked up space suit, being chased by ghosts, and not sure if you can trust the woman on the radio who's guiding you through it. Has just such a satisfying ending too. -The Book Eaters by Sunyi Dean - a vampire-adjacent book, it's a world where these beings eat books, but then sometimes one amongst them instead eats minds. A woman, book eater herself, runs away from her family to protect her son who is a mind eater. I felt this one was gutwrenching at times, with characters making tough and sometimes bad decisions, and it kept a grip on me the whole way. -Into the Drowning Deep by Mira Grant - this one is more of an ensemble cast as it jumps around to several POVs, but the sapphic romance pair in it is great. It follows a crew aboard a ship to figure out what happened to a previous ship where everyone just disappeared. Every character has a rich internal life of why they're there, what are their goals, etc. -Our Wives Under the Sea by Julia Armfield - a woman's wife went on a deep sea expedition and returns not quite the same. The book jumps between the two women, what happened on that expedition and what her wife is having to deal with after she returns. I also enjoyed Julia's book of short stories, Salt Slow.

Wow, that was pretty scary. What about some fun science-y adventures? -The Space Between Worlds by Micaiah Johnson - a sci fi, multiverse traveling book. In the future, society can send people to alternate verses, mostly to steal resources, but you can only be sent if the other version of you is already dead in that world. The writing is fast-paced, really fun, and had some great quotes I even wrote down. It had so many little and big twists along the way, I gasped a lot. -The Founders Trilogy by Robert Jackson Bennett - kinda fantasy, kinda sci fi, kinda steam-punky, but a whole lotta fun! Fast-paced, it has one of the most interesting magic systems I've ever read. It's low on romance but the sapphic relationship that develops had my heart clenching by the last book. I read this series this year and already want to re-read it. -This is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone - this book is a short but challenging read. It may not be for everyone. Treat it less like a novel and more like a riddle. It's feeding you bits and pieces as it goes and all will be revealed by the end. One of the most romantic books I've read.

Sure sure, but how about some escapism into fantasy now? -The Locked Tomb series by Tamsyn Muir - this one could've also gone in the horror or sci fi lists, what with the lesbian necromancers in space tagline. You've probably heard of it, it's dense, complicated at times, and will throw you for a loop when it quotes Linkin Park lyrics at you. Each book has such a different flavor too. A fun series to not only read but also reread! It requires a lot of attention, and I'm not too proud to admit I had to look up several word meanings as I read. The only series I have multiple versions of because I couldn't resist the special editions. -The Burning Kingdoms series by Tasha Suri - love me some fantasy set in a world inspired by the history and epics of India, some morally gray characters, complicated motivations, some betrayal of the ones you love most. This series is so lovely and such a fun and heartwrenching ride and I can't wait for the next book. -Legends and Lattes by Travis Baldree - It's cozy, it's sweet, it just made me smile all the way through. The sequel I found just as lovely as well.

Enough with the other worlds! Got anything historical? -The Mercies by Kiran Millwood Hargrave - this one could also go on the sad list. It's poetic, lovely. A town of only women since their men all were lost in a storm and how the women manage to move on, deal with their grief, and face a dude who comes in later to try to "set their society right" or whatever. Throw that dude into the sea too. -Fingersmith by Sarah Waters - an absolute rollercoaster of a book. It's a long, great read with deception upon deception upon twists. I also highly recommend the BBC miniseries it was adapted into! -The Lady's Guide to Celestial Mechanics by Olivia Waite - this one really surprised me. It's honestly really sweet. Two women come together to translate a French astronomy text and fall in love in the process.

Got anything with pictures? -Luisa Now and Then by Carole Maurel - drama, a woman in her 30s encounters her much younger self and they have to come to terms with who they thought they were and what they thought their life would be like. -A Guest in the House by Emily Carroll - heavy on the horror, not really a romance, but it is gorgeous, atmospheric, and didn't go where I thought it was going. -How Do We Relationship by Tamifull - drama, slice of life, one of my favorite series, it goes through some really complex character relationships and interactions. The main couple starts dating pretty quickly, and it only gets more complicated from there. -She Loves to Cook, She Loves to Eat by Sakaomi Yuzaki - slice of life. This one starts out simply enough, with two women who connect over food. Their relationship blooms slowly from there, and the latest volume introduced some additional characters that expand the discussion on how different our relationship to food and eating can be.

YOUNG ADULT

That was a lot. I'm ready to be sad again. -We Are Okay by Nina LaCour - a girl leaves everyone behind to go to college, and won't talk to them about why or what happened that changed her in those few weeks before she left. Her best friend comes to visit her and what follows is a slow, anguishing tale of grief, regret, and love. Honestly, for a sad time, you can always depend on Nina LaCour. -Forget Me Not by Alyson Derrick - this one might not work for everyone if you don't like an amnesia story. It had so much longing, loss, confusion, and a romance strong enough to attempt to get through it. -6 Times We Almost Kissed (and One Time We Did) by Tess Sharpe - Don't let the meme-rific title fool you, this book wrung out my heart. The characters are rich, deep, conflicted, and complicated. Deals with grief, with lost opportunities, with complicated friendships and complicated love. -If Tomorrow Doesn't Come by Jen St. Jude - what happens if you were already suicidal, but then the world is going to end soon anyway? This book deals heavily with depression and the end of the world, in many different meanings. -Clap When You Land by Elizabeth Acevedo - this one broke my heart a few times. Two girls who don't know they are related lose their father in a plane crash, and it only gets sadder and more complicated from there as both their words begin to connect.

Wow, all this sadness has made me angry! -Harley Quinn: Reckoning by Rachael Allen - gotta love a female rage revenge book. This book is a really engrossing read, it weaves a lovely mystery, and has one of my all time favorite twists and love interest characters of any book.

I've angered myself out, can we have some happy romance? -She Gets the Girl by Rachael Lippincott and Alyson Derrick - a lovely lovely contemporary romance story. Nothing surprising, just all the good stuff. Also writen by a wife team! -How to Excavate a Heart by Jake Maia Arlow - a very sweet holiday romance that starts when one of the MCs almost runs over her love interest. -Lesbiana's Guide to Catholic School by Sonora Reyes - with the topics this one deals with, it could've very easily made the sad list as well. The overall uplifting ending is what kept it more in the happy list for me.

Okay, okay, I'm ready to be scared again! -These Fleeting Shadows by Kate Alice Marshall - this one has it all, creepy house, family trauma, falling for the weird girl in the woods. It all built up to a really great twist too. I recommend the audiobook, it had great production and acting, and even legit scared me and I couldn't listen to it at night.

I like horror, but got anything a little more sci fi? -The Meadows by Stephanie Oaks - along the same lines of A Handmaid's Tale, a dystopian future where the government has a lot to say about what your role is in society and what you are supposed to do/be. At times a little slow, but at all times really heartwrenching.

Anything related to history? -A Million to One by Adiba Jaigirdar - four girls band together to execute a jewel heist on the titanic! Which sounds very exciting and it is! I also bawled at the end. Honestly I will read any and all Adiba Jaigirda books too.

Okay let's get into that fantastical escapism! -Fractured Fables series by Alix E. Harrow - based on fairytales, these two novelas are very quick reads, very engaging and I especially loved the romance that developed in the second one! -We Set the Dark on Fire series by Tehlor Kay Mejia - Handmaids Tale adjacent as well and the backdrop is Latiné inspired. A really great read, both books had be gripped by the chest. Good twists too! -The Winter Duke by Claire Eliza Bartlett - inspired by sleeping beauty, the prince set to inherit the throne falls asleep and his younger sister has to figure out how the hell she keeps it all together until he (hopefully) wakes up. -Cinderella Is Dead by Kalynn Bayron - a society built after the very real Cinderella story, where all ladies of age go to the ball to be selected as brides, and then the story of a girl trying to fight against all that. -Forgotten Gods series by Marie Rutkoski - A girl who lives on the poor side of town meets a rich girl who seems ready to take her on adventures. I really enjoyed the main character's journey and how she changed oh so very drastically throughout the story. -Of Fire and Stars by Audrey Coulthurst - I've recced this to friends who did not like it as much as I did but I'm still putting it on this list. Maybe it's just this book has all the things I like and that's fine. A princess betrothed to a prince is hiding her magical abilities and ends up falling for her fiance's sister, oops. -Sofi and the Bone Song by Adrienne Tooley - what drew me to this story was the quiet mystery it weaves. Sofi wants to take her father's place as a Musik (the few musicians in the country allowed to compose music) but then an unexpected, untrained lute player shows up and just absolutely outplays her. Sofi is determined to prove this new girl cheated with magic. Adrienne Tooley overall is an author I always enjoy. -Nampeshiweisit series by Moniquill Blackgoose - only the first book is out so far (To Shape a Dragon's Breath) but boy am I invested! A young girl finds the first dragon egg to appear in her remote island in 15 years, but the colonists of her land have strong opinions of who is allowed to have a dragon, how they need to be trained, and what they should do with dragons.

Phew that was a lot of words. Got anything with pictures again? -Thieves by Lucie Bryon - a really sweet and surprisingly deep story about two girls who steal shit. -Belle of the Ball by Mari Costa - a high school love triangle that worked in all the right ways. I loved the art, and as someone with vision deterioration, one of the easiest reads I've had recently! -Twelfth Grade Night by Molly Horton Booth - the original Shakespeare play Twelfth Night was formative for my lesbian realization, and this cute adaptation was so well done and modernized the story in a really fun and fantastical way. -The Princess and the Grilled Cheese Sandwich by Deya Muniz - continues the running theme of girl pretending to be a boy falls for girl, oops. Has a historical and modern twist to it all, very fun and loved the expressions. Do Not skip the author's notes at the end where she talks about what inspired the story, it was a highlight as well! -Squad by Maggie Tokuda-Hall - Mean Girls meets werewolves -Cosmoknights series by Hannah Templer - princesses, space travel, giant robot fights, this has got it all and some very lovely art to boot! -Honor Girl: A Graphic Memoir by Maggie Thrash - one of those comics that perfectly captures what it feels like to be a young girl falling in love with another girl for the first time. It's a little bit emotionally devastating at times in how expertly it expresses and pinpoints those specific feelings.

#sapphic books #sapphic book recs #this took me all morning #now I can rest

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queerstake · 3 months

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As a queer drawn to the faith and trying to deal with the messiness of entering into everything, I've been trying hard to read more of the Book of Mormon because I only have a very vague understanding of it's Whole Deal, but executive dysfunction, ADHD, and honestly, a million other excuses are making it very difficult. Are there any good resources for walking through the fundamentals? Childish but I feel like I'm disappointing the Lord if I'm not more on top of this.

Hi anon! I totally get it and yes, I can think of a few ideas!

If you're looking for ways to understand the BoM (or even just general doctrine) from more of a bird's eye view:

I hope you don't find this silly, but when I was a kid, the church published an illustrated children's version of the BoM that's obviously way quicker to flip through. It might be harder for you to find those exact editions I read as a kid if you don't have ready access to a church library, BUT I found this!! It's (almost) the ENTIRE BoM illustrated and summarized and it's online!

Looks like they put out videos too that summarize the BoM beginning to end. Here's a link to the video series. I haven't seen these, so I can't vouch for them, but they might be helpful! Similarly, there's a BoM in 60 seconds video you might find helpful.

If you'd benefit from a schedule, the church is currently studying the BoM in sunday school! The past few years, we've been using a study guide called Come Follow Me with weekly assigned reading chapters. I've actually been working on posts about CFM as they relate to queer mormon theology, but I haven't had much posted yet since I've been having a rocky start to 2024. As things improve, I'll be able to hopefully even establish a schedule on this blog!

I'm not sure if missionary lessons is something you're interested in at this point, and it's definitely not something you ever need to do, but the missionary lessons themselves are a pretty good doctrine intro if you're looking for just Mormonism 101 in a digestible way. The missionaries teach out a book called Preach My Gospel, which is available right here. You'll be interested in the lessons, which are found in Chapter 3. If you just scroll down, you'll see some of the links are labeled Lesson instead of Chapter--just click on those bad boys. And if you have any doctrinal questions, I'm always MORE than happy to talk about the church! You'll probably get a faster answer DMing me personally at @logans-mormon-blog, but I'll always answer asks here as soon as time permits.

If you're looking for easier ways to finish the BoM from beginning to end:

The BoM on tape. The church has an audiobook version available on the Gospel Library app and other audio apps like Spotify.

The Reader's Edition. If you can get your hand on a reader's edition, a lot of people find this is an easier way to plow through the BoM. What's special about this one is that it's formatted not like scripture but like prose, and it really does change the reading experience!

I don't know if this helps any, but I struggle with some of the same issues as you and I'm always bitterly disappointed when I'm not able to move mountains. If I had my way, I'd be the most well-read scriptorian of all time and this blog would be updated constantly. But life often doesn't shake out that way. I spend way more time than I want to with my brain entirely burned out of my head. So you're not alone, if that's any comfort. I think God gets it--he made our brains, after all, and knows how hard it is to wrestle with. It's easier said than done, but don't beat yourself up. God loves the both of us and he's the most perfectly patient person who's ever lived. He's not frustrated or disappointed with our efforts. Religion exists, in my opinion, to help improve and enrich our lives, not make them more challenging OR even to make them perfect if we only could just run fast enough. I too wish I could be more diligent and on it, but shit happens, right? And we're not on earth to be perfect, we're here to be happy and to learn. When Joseph Smith was translating the BoM, God told him "Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means provided to enable you to translate; but be diligent unto the end." D&C 10:4. We're doing our damndest, and that's all God even wants from us.

If anyone else has more resource ideas, please let us know!

-Logan

#queerstake #tumblrstake #lds #mormon

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natalieironside · 2 months

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hello ms. comrade Ironside, longtime reader, first time caller.

as a fellow writer of queer erotica, I was wondering if you had any thoughts/spoons to share those thoughts on wordpress being swept into the AI debacle under automattic? (I think that’s what you use to host your cool website, forgive me if I am mistaken.) I’m trying to figure out where to set up an author website of my own so I don’t have to host my stuff on tumblr anymore, but I’m a bit gun-shy in the current moment. I know AI trawling is inevitable in today’s internet, but as someone who’s been doing the indie author thing for some time (and admirably!), is there something you would recommend, best practices or otherwise, to someone just trying to get their metaphorical kite off the ground? or anything you wish you knew when you set up your own author-type socials? any thought at all would be genuinely appreciated.

thanks for your time, and I hope you and yours are as well as can be expected 🖤

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but afaik nothing approaching best practices has been figured out yet; it's all already happening and there's precious little as can be done to put the toothpaste back in the tube. Of course I uncheck all the little boxes in settings and deny them my consent or whatever, but I don't think a gaggle of unimaginative piss-bellied technocrats who decided it was a sensible use of vast amounts of water and power to teach a computer how to write very badly are what I'd call trustworthy. I'm still gonna move all my website shit off of Wordpress because they won't let me get rid of the stupid AI assistant thing, but that's more a case of their UI being ugly and dumb than me thinking it'll actually do any good.

Best I can tell you on that front is to try to find yourself a niche and develop yourself as an artist from there; "Write the kinds of books you wish other people were writing" is good general advice, and a human operator is always going to be capable of things a predictive network just isn't. Other ppl are gonna disagree with that, but they're wrong. Their understanding of resource allocation and scarcity is just childishly naive and you shouldn't waste your time listening to people who think we're gonna solve climate change with apps or whatever.

Far as social media goes, this is still the best one for hocking books as far as I can tell. I'm hearing a lot of good things about Cohost and Pillowfort, but their user bases are still quite small, and I haven't found the indie author community on Bluesky yet. If Tumblr goes belly up I'll probably end up migrating to one of those first two primarily b/c I think longform blogging is the secret stuff for ppl like me who are just too crabby and agoraphobic to be Twitter influencers; I may not be any good at videos or regular quick posts or documenting the writing process (which is too bad, b/c a lot of my friends who do that stuff seem to be having fun with it), but I sure can Lay Out Some Thoughts in A Few Paragraphs and I like to think that's something ppl expect from a novelist.

Also, never get in a public argument, don't go posting Your Thoughts On The Issues unless someone asked or you feel like you've got something interesting to say, and be very selective with how much and what personal information you give out to the hoi polloi. Those are my 3 rules for how to do social media good.

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t00thpasteface · 3 months

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Hiiiii₍⁠₍⁠◞⁠(⁠ ⁠•⁠௰⁠•⁠ ⁠)⁠◟⁠₎⁠₎

Could you explain the hipster Vs fandom war. I've been on here for like four years and I never knew that existed lol and btw I really really love your art and you are one my biggest inspos for how I imagine and draw my Clark.

i'm not sure i can explain it in a way that makes sense, and certainly not in a way that makes you say "i understand why this was such a big deal", but gl'bgolyb knows i can try.

first, let me take you on a sensory experience... picture in your mind the following things... skinny jeans... nerd glasses... a weirdly dapper fashion sense in a time where everything is baggy and neon... boom, you have 2010-2014 online tumblr hipster culture. and also 70s elvis costello, oddly enough.

although admittedly i don't know his stance on pumpkin spice lattes.

anyway. now that that's burned into your brain, consider a significant population of this exact type of person that has already been well-established on this microblogging platform around the turn of the decade. tumblr doesn't really have an app yet because smartphones haven't taken over everyone's life yet, and online fandom culture is still largely dominated by deviantart as the main "fandom hub". most people, myself included, are getting their main meme fixes from facebook (which your parents were not yet on) or the icanhazcheezburger image-aggregator network. THEN EVERYTHING CHANGED WHEN THE FANDOM NATION ATTACKED.

somehow, a huge crowd of people who considered their favorite books/movies/games to be core personality traits began to set up shop on this fair slate-blue isle. i number myself among this crowd, having been lured here by google-image-searching for miscellaneous fanart in 2011. the "old guard" largely belongs to, and continuously attracts new bloggers within, a burgeoning subculture that 100% defines itself by bucking popular trends and social expectations... whether or not this is actually accomplished by purchasing beverages from starbucks and putting old film filters on every photo, i cannot say.

you may be seeing an issue already arising: hey, if the hipsters hate everything that's popular and gatekeep all their interests, and the fandom bloggers are obsessed with extremely popular franchises and are hell-bent making them even more popular, isn't that going to cause a little friction?

well, yes. it caused a fuck ton of friction. a division arose early on between "the fandom side of tumblr" and "the hipster side of tumblr." some people, like myself, played both sides. others abstained from the rigid dichotomy and considered themselves to be on another "side," like the science side of tumblr, known for explaining relatively straightforward STEM concepts in large essays that began with something like "listen up fuckers."

ahhh, unfriendable. such a narrow little window in time where cheezburger sites and facebook had equal sway in the online zeitgeist.

interestingly, as someone who trawled a LOT of aesthetic tags, the most popular of which was simply #aesthetic (it was shockingly consistent in there), i never actually saw hipster bloggers complaining about fandom bloggers. it was always the other way around, with fandom bloggers bragging about how much they're freaking out the squares to get cool points with other fandom bloggers, all while never actually engaging with the hipster bloggers because their tags rarely overlapped.

hi, marge! we're freaking out the hipsters!

regardless of whether there was any material reality to it, or if it was simply a Minitrue level of entirely fictional warfare, this concept entrenched itself into the fandom bloggers, likely as a way to still feel "edgy" and unique while, again, obsessing over extremely popular and mainstream things like doctor who, pokemon, avatar the last airbender, the brand-new mcu, and other decidedly non-counterculture media. even with things it felt like no one irl had heard of, like hetalia and homestuck, those were online juggernauts nonetheless, the former of which had dominated deviantart for years and the latter of which prompted hotels and convention centers across the world to implement very strict rules about unsealed body paint. people treated fandoms like they were some sort of exclusive country club with membership fees and a dress code. and dunking on hipsters became an entire genre of Fake Internet Story, which were already pervasive on this website.

what's the point of being in a clique if there's no outgroup to flex on? #swag

this whole phenomenon ran concurrently, even symbiotically, with other tumblrisms like "tumblr university" and those horrendous "not like other girls" memes...

which means, of course, it was absolutely dead in the fucking water once DashCon happened in 2014. i don't need to tell you what happened at DashCon (there's a million essays and videos about it if you're one of today's lucky ten thousand who's never heard of it), but all across the fandom side of tumblr, it felt like finding out your parents lied about santa claus. turns out the fandoms you're in don't actually say anything about who you are as a person, a bunch of tumblrinas can't just will a fully functional micronation into existence just by wearing tacky merchandise in a public venue, and magic probably isn't real.

i wish i had some grand way to end this story, but really the moral is the same as it ever was: online drama is eternal, inescapable, and completely fucking worthless. if you only post to get mad at shit, especially if you're just making up a guy to get mad at, cut that out. touch grass. look at images of cats. i don't remember any of the enemies i made from this era, but i fondly remember all the friends, and i'm richer for making those positive connections. that's all for today's episode of Tumblr History with Toothpaste Face... remember to tip your waitress and stay minty.

#also fellow Clark Enjoyer rest assured i'm going to draw him for his birthday later this month!!!! my beloved big blue boy scout...#shebbz shoutz #shebbz editz #tumblr #tumblr history #tumblr culture #ask

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gettothestabbing · 1 month

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Relationship Doubts and Venting

For context, I've never had a long-term relationship before. I was technically 'with' a guy for two years, but after 6 dates our first month, I had to move, and so only saw him twice more in person after that. He insisted on EMAIL communcation only. So we essentially made no progress on actually getting to know each other.

So now, I've been with my current boyfriend for 5 months, and have known him for 6. We met on a dating app. We find each other very attractive, we're both conservative and want multiple children, we're both deadset on no sex before marriage, and we get along quite well. I enjoy being around him, and I've introduced him to my church and my coworkers on different occasions, starting from our first month together.

But on our last date, he started asking me questions about how my denomination handles weddings and what I would like my own wedding to be like. I was honest about what I liked, and finished by saying I wasn't ready to be engaged yet. But from things he's said, I have a feeling he's decided that I'm the one and is only waiting until I say something similar back to make it official.

That's so exciting, and flattering, and yet I know I'm not ready for it.

I still have a lot of concerns and unknowns about him. In no particular order, please enjoy all my concerns:

1: I still haven't met any of his family. We almost went bowling with his sister but she had a last-minute scheduling conflict. He's been living with his brother for several years, but he didn't even tell that brother about me yet. He says this brother is just very quiet and that they aren't close. But they've lived together for over 10 years, and my BF drives an hour EACH WAY to see me for every date. Where does the brother think he's going?

2: We never go to his area, partly because my work schedule is much less forgiving than his. This also means I've never seen his bedroom or home, including pictures. I've asked about this more than once, and he kinda dismisses it, saying it's just nicer to be in my area/house.

3: He's eight years older than me. I'm okay with the age gap in theory. In practice, we definitely grew up in very different eras and families. He's one of five kids, and I'm one of two sisters. I think he was harshly disciplined, and he indicated that he would physically discipline any children he has, though he added caveats restricting that discipline to certain behaviors from boys over the age of 15. But it still concerned me, because it wasn't coming from a place of "last resort" so much as from a place of "I got this so he would too."

Similarly, we don't agree on circumcision. His arguments for it consisted of "I was," "it's ugly otherwise," "he'll be bullied if he doesn't get it," and "there are some slight health benefits I think."

4: He was raised Catholic. I don't have an issue with Catholics generally, but I have known of several Catholic-CS couples who did not work out because of the vast denominational differences. I've also been personally warned by more than one CS woman of marrying a Catholic man, because they were prevented in their marriages from practicing their faith by their own Catholic husbands. TBF to my BF, he doesn't seem like he would be this kind of husband, but I don't know for sure because he doesn't seem to understand how different our beliefs actually are?

While my BF says he is looking for a new denomination, he's fundamentally incurious about other denominations, including my own. It seems like he is only looking to leave Catholicism because of political disaffection with Pope Francis and not because of an actual theological disagreement. He did Lent this year same as he ever did. He even admitted to not knowing the difference between Catholic and Protestant beliefs. He thought Peter wrote one of the Gospels (and he went to Catholic schools all his life).

It's just baffling to me that he isn't really interested in learning about different theologies and practices, while still claiming that he IS interested. It's words with no action following. I keep trying to show him stuff about my Bible study or my church. He's gone to a few services with me, but he never wants to talk about the content after. He just says the people there are nice.

Occasionally he makes jokes about wearing cult robes or bringing a goat to sacrifice to my church. This is because CS is often excluded from mainstream interfaith discussions and derided as a cult. Obviously, it's not a cult by any definition. I'm sensitive about this sort of joke, as not only do I truly hate cults like Scientology (for which we are also mistaken a lot unfortunately) and what they do to good people, but I was teased and bullied for my religion several times as a child and teenager.

5: Really, more than anything else, it's the incurious nature that concerns me. I'm not wealthy or an elite or anything, and never will be at my income level. But I do deeply value education, art, and learning. These are the things my family values too. I don't think I can be with someone permanently who doesn't value those things. I don't want to be overly pushy or self-centered either: it's not as if I want someone who only likes the stuff I like. But I don't want to only have small talk forever.

The few times we've had deeper discussions, he ends them as fast as possible, and his statements are rather vague and disconnected. While I wish we did agree on circumcision as an issue, I was more concerned with how poorly he defended his opinion, as well as how dismissive he was of my thoughts. I mean, I guess since I'm not a guy my opinion doesn't matter as much? But my arguments weren't about personal experience, but about empirical evidence and psychological studies. Idk. I regretted that conversation a lot; I got into lawyer-mode and was too blunt. For a few weeks afterward, he seemed like he was upset, but when I asked, he insisted he wasn't and that he didn't care. He also became more vulgar in our conversations after that. I had to ask him to scale it back.

None of these things individually are "dealbreakers". I'm not afraid of compromise and of us being our own people. But we do need to know some big things about each other and come to some important agreements before I would be ready to get engaged to him.

I'm hoping that when he meets my dad and stepmom next week, that will give me further insight. Good kissing and political agreement alone cannot a good marriage make.

#I'm not really looking for advice here though if you have some I'll try to take it well #I mostly needed to vent here because the person I usually vent to is busy rn with her own stuff #I may delete this in a day or two as well #pers com #I may be an overthinker but idc these are important issues #personal

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