#and i feel so guilty for that even because what if im fucking crazy and a manipulative piece of shit and i dont deserve to have friends
Note
i need my kevjean freaky and weird and obsessive and worrying to the general public
abso-fucking-lutely i need it to be oppressive to be around them. i need it to be a breathing living thing you can feel if you step into their orbit. like it HAS to be bad and it HAS to be awkward and you HAVE to feel like you're intruding on something even if you've known them for years. i need kevjean to be something the trojans do a wellness check on jean for. i need kevjean to feel like a karmic debt they will have to keep paying for the rest of their lives. you know? it has to be weird. it HAS to be weird
anyway to me they are like this and they wouldnt even have to have fucked to know it
#you know what my ideal kevjean situation is? ill tell you what my ideal kevjean situation is#they have not fucked in the nest. it didnt even cross their minds. it was so strictly forbidden it couldnt be anything but a fantasy. But.#but. they have several moments. where they are alone. or close to it. and they are standing there#and they might even get really close. and it might be just like they roughhoused as kids. or played together in court#but there is a very Real Conscience that they both would like to ruin this very much#i think they wouldve had maybe a peck along the run or a single kiss thats poised out of pity / because jean is desperate to be seen as a#person#and it might even start small and frigid and for a single purpose only. But.#and that but i think really fucks them up for a lifetime#its like accidentally stumbling onto the best thing in the world and not getting to keep it#kevjean physical chemistry goes CRAZY kevjean intellectual chemistry goes CRAZY kevjean emotional chemistry ... !! <3 goes insane#alexa play good in bed by dua lipa#i dont care if its toxic im fine with it theyll grow out of it eventually#<- and i really do mean it. i think they will be much better and sober after the nest#and all those moments in it will feel like a guilty pleasure#but guilty pleasure is still pleasure. amen#asks#kevjean
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Beautiful Day, Sunday Morning | sleepover fic #3
special thanks to my bestie @sluttywonwoo for this gorgeous banner!
Pairing: Joshua x fem!reader
Prompt: okay so sleeping it off didn't work. let me consult my list. hypnotism, no. meditation, certainly not. well something has to work because I simply cannot be in love with them + friends to lovers request
Rating: M (MINORS DNI I’LL SCREAM SO LOUD AND BLOCK YOU)
Word Count: ~7000 (im not well)
Warnings: food cooking and eating, alcohol drinking, hurt/comfort (just a tad its me lbr), presex communication, panty stuffing but not really (you’ll see), fingering, pussy eating, josh cums on you, joshua likes to look, mentions of marks/bruises, loving respectful manhandling, reader has a WAP, aftercare, none of these are in order, i wrote this for like 9 hours straight and haven’t edited it yet bc its four am soooooo sorry bout that, if i missed anything message or inbox me im nice i swear
half of this is just story with some suggestiveness, so if you're not into sex you can still enjoy! it's p obvious when the smut starts
Joshua sighs, finding himself laying awake in bed for the third night in a row.
He’s seriously starting to feel like he’s going crazy, and the sleep deprivation surely isn’t helping, but there’s just no way. He absolutely refuses to accept this.
He’s tried everything he could think of.
Sleeping it off didn’t work, obviously. He meditated with Hao for hours on end, with no result. He let Soonyoung try to hypnotize him but all he got from that was a headache and a bruise on the cheek where the stopwatch swung into his face.
Joshua won’t give up though, can’t give up, because this is life or death. Something has to work and Joshua is willing to try anything, well, almost anything, if it means what he fears will be proven false.
He simply cannot be in love with you. He just can’t.
Not when your friendship is the most valuable of them all, not when your presence is like a hot salted caramel mocha on a blisteringly cold morning, not when you’re the person he always looks forward to seeing, the person he dreads leaving for even a day.
Sure, he sometimes thinks about you late at night, when he’s alone in bed. Sure, he turns people down at bars his friends dragged him to for the sole purpose of getting him laid, just because he likes your voice and your face and your soul and your body better. Sure, he often dreams of you and wakes up feeling lonely, passing his hand over the empty side of the bed and wishing you were there. Sure, the side he leaves empty is coincidentally the same side he knows you sleep on, but that doesn’t mean-
Oh. Wait.
Joshua is totally in love with you.
Well, what the fuck is he supposed to do now?
He lets himself thrash in bed a bit, digging the back of his head into the pillow and tensing his jaw, then takes a deep breath, moving out of tantrum mode and into solution mode.
Okay.
Option 1: Joshua avoids you for a while and hopes the feelings go away on their own.
He shakes his head, knowing immediately that won’t work because if he doesn’t text you for a day, you’ll just text him, and if he doesn’t respond, you’ll call, and he’ll pick up, because it’s you.
And then he’ll hear your voice and you might sound sad that he didn’t text you back and then he’ll be sad, and guilty, and desperate to make it up to you. Which will lead to him making you dinner and probably pushing you up against the counter and kissing you until he forgets about the pasta on the stove and then it’ll boil over and just be a huge mess, and Joshua hates messes.
Option 2: Joshua doesn’t avoid you, and hopes the feelings go away on their own.
No, that won’t work either, because being around you is what gave him these feelings in the first place and being around you will just make them worse. He’ll be able to look at you and touch you and listen to you and you’ll smile at him and squeeze his hand like you always do, and marvel at the size of it compared to yours, and then Joshua will only be able to think about crawling on top of you on the couch and holding your hands down with his and they’ll look so small and you’ll-
Joshua clears his throat, shifting his legs in the sheets and willing his mind to settle down.
Option 3: Joshua doesn’t avoid you, and doesn’t hope the feelings go away.
This option is intriguing, because it means Joshua will still get to be around you and he won’t have to shove anything down, like he’s apparently been doing for… fuck, has he been in love with you this whole time? Has it been literal years??
Joshua shoots straight up in bed, bracing himself on his hands and blinking the drowsiness away. His brows furrow as he thinks over every moment he’s ever shared with you, every time he’s caught himself staring at your lips or holding your hand or getting jealous of a date or glaring at one of his friends for flirting with you. It’s been so obvious, and he had no clue.
Has it been this obvious to everyone?
Shit. Has it been this obvious to you?
Joshua needs a second opinion, and doesn’t think twice about grabbing his phone and calling for backup.
Jeonghan sounds irritated and exhausted when he picks up on the fifth ring, and Joshua sucks in a deep breath before starting, “Jeonghan, I need you to be honest with me, this is very important. Did you know I’m in love with y/n?”
“Yeah, Shua, we all knew.”
Joshua swears to himself, it’s just like he feared.
“And when you say ‘we all-’”
“No, y/n doesn’t know,” Jeonghan groans with exasperation, “but if you don’t say it soon, I will. It’s fucking annoying watching you guys moon over each other all the time. And don’t even get me started on-”
“Wait. Each other?” Joshua holds his breath as he waits for confirmation, “Jeonghan, I need clarification on the ‘each other’ part.”
Jeonghan heaves a sigh before answering, like he’s millimeters from hiring an assassin.
“Yes, Joshua, each other. I’m hanging up now.”
“Jeonghan wait-” Joshua tries to get out, but he hears the dial tone and checks his messages to see Jeonghan has put him on do not disturb. That was that then.
Okay, Joshua can deal with this. He can figure it out, Joshua is good at figuring things out.
He shakes his head and pushes a breath out before biting his lip to stop the smile.
Each other. He can work with that.
“Joshie!” You throw open the door, beaming and grabbing his hand to pull him inside you-r apartment! Inside your apartment.
Joshua dramatically rolls his eyes, hiding his grin behind a smirk, and sighs out, “Not this again…” as if he’s not giggling on the inside at the way you’re tugging him to the kitchen.
“Please, you love when I call you Joshie and we both know it,” you respond with playful eyes and your own smirk.
Fuck, he sucks in a breath, how did he deal with your teasing before figuring out he’s in love with you? Because now, it’s just making him ha-
“So, I was thinking we could try out a new pasta recipe I saw on Instagram, it has tomatoes and goat cheese and garlic, and I got a new puzzle!”
You sound so cute, so excited, that Josh has to clear his throat and try to blink away the hearts in his eyes before he can even think of what to say.
“That sounds great! I hope a red will go with it?” Josh holds up the wine bottle with a hand that shakes only a little, the other still caught in yours, and tries to stop his mind from going to the events of Option 1.
It’s difficult though, when he spots the exact pot he envisioned on the stove, already filled with salted water and waiting to be boiled.
You squeeze his hand before detaching to grab the bottle from him and throw it in the chiller, and Joshua respectfully (and frankly, for his own survival) looks away from how your jeans mold perfectly to the shape of your ass when you crouch down to find room.
He does well enough while you’re cooking together, moving around each other in a dance that evidences years of practice, getting distracted only when you lean up over his shoulder to monitor his garlic chopping. You’re very particular about how your garlic is cut, and it was only recently you began allowing him the responsibility.
Joshua can admit now how much it meant to him when you passed him the knife with a trusting smile and eyes that screamed, don’t fuck this up, just a few months ago.
Managing to finish the garlic preparation with relative ease, Joshua starts looking around for the recipe you were talking about. Normally, you print it out and put it up on your fridge but the stainless steel is empty, except for the magnetic photo of him and you he bought you last year. Well, him and you and all of your friends, not that he’s looking at any of them.
No, Joshua only has eyes for you, and they follow you as you flit around your kitchen, sunlight catching on your hair and cheekbones, your hips swaying softly to the music flowing from your sound bar.
He’s forgotten what he was looking for, and he’s forgotten to pretend he wasn’t drinking in your every move, because you turn around and stop short, eyes wide at finding him staring at you so intently.
“Do you need something?” You ask, brows tilting up in confusion.
Joshua breathes in deeply, catching your perfume on the air amidst the roasting tomatoes and fresh garlic, and he shakes his head with a soft smile.
“No, I have everything I need,” you start to look more bemused, like you’re trying to figure him out, and Joshua rushes to finish, “except the recipe! Where’d you put it?”
“Oh!” You jump, running to the couch to grab your phone and pull up Instagram, “It’s just a video, it seemed simple enough so I was doing it from memory but I should’ve sent it to you, my bad!”
Your brows furrow as you start typing in his new handle, and Joshua stills your fingers with his, deciding he can afford to be just a tad more bold.
“My phone’s almost dead, actually. Could we just share yours?” Joshua tries to ask innocently, masking his ulterior motive of getting to be closer to you.
“Yeah, of course! Do you wanna charge your phone? I can go plug it in,” you offer helpfully, gesturing over your shoulder to your bedroom, but Joshua shakes his head.
“Nah, the only person whose texts I care about is here,” he says smoothly, locking his eyes with yours and reminding himself that Jeonghan said each other.
You hold his gaze, something he doesn’t recognize flashing through your eyes and your mouth scrunching to the side, like it does when you’re… hurt. You visibly shake it off though, shake him off, pulling away and turning to set the pot of water to boil.
Joshua can’t fight the frown, feeling distance between you and him that normally isn’t there, but he lets you take your space and works on figuring out what he’s done wrong. He can barely hear the simmering of the tomatoes and goat cheese in the oven over the roaring in his ears, as he takes in your tense shoulders and stiff posture from the other side of the counter. When he sees your ribs expand and then hitch, like you were trying to gather yourself, he decides you’ve had enough space.
So Joshua crosses the kitchen, laying a gentle, warm hand on your shoulder, and tries peeking at your face. You’re not crying, thankfully, but he can see your teeth gnawing at your lip and the fragile set of your brows, and he pulls you into his chest, wrapping you up tight in his arms.
“What’s wrong?” He breathes into your hair, tucking your head into his neck with the softest push he can manage.
Joshua waits as patiently as he can, but when the water comes to a boil and you still haven’t answered, he pulls away to add the penne and then leans against the counter, staring at you.
“Baby, please tell me what just happened. Did I say something wrong?” Joshua has called you baby since he met you, it’s just instinct by now, but it felt different now that he knows he’s in love with you. It felt… right.
But it just makes you tense up more, and now Joshua is more confused than ever. You’ve never cared about him calling you baby, you went with it from the start, and even started calling him Joshie in return.
“Shua… I just-”
“Joshie,” He interrupts, feeling his heart leap into his throat at the change in nickname. All of your friends call him Shua, you’re the only one he allows to call him Joshie, and he can’t stand hearing the alternative from you.
Joshua can feel his own brows pinching together, his arms coming up to cross over his chest, like that could protect him somehow.
You mirror him, bracing yourself against the stove before he lets a hand down to tug you away from the steaming pot of water, and he uses that hand to pull you closer, finding that he can’t make himself let go.
You’re staring at him now, and you seem to be considering something. He can tell by the set of your shoulders that you’re weighing things, and hears Jeonghan’s voice say each other in his head. And somehow, he knows that you and him are on the precipice of something.
Something great, Joshua hopes.
So he takes in another breath and takes a few short steps to stand in front of you, delicately framing your face in his hands and leaning in close. He stops just short of your lips, feeling the catch in your breath this time, and exhales against you, “Tell me to stop. Tell me this isn’t what you want.”
You don’t say anything, just stare deeply into his eyes, like you’re searching for something. You must find it, because you close the distance to press your lips against his, and Joshua feels something unlock in his chest and make extra space for you.
Joshua’s mind doesn’t wander too far, not with your mouth on his and your body heat against him, and he slides one hand into your hair. The other moves down to mold to your neck, his thumb tracing the edge of your jaw before resting on your pulse. He can feel your heart racing, sprinting just like his, and he drinks you in, sipping from your lips like you’re the finest wine he’s ever had.
He gets carried away quickly, turning with you in his arms to push you against the counter, sliding his tongue along your bottom lip, practically begging you to open up for him.
You do, with a sigh, and Joshua slips his tongue into your mouth to glide against yours. You taste… like nothing he’s ever had and he’s desperate for more already, tugging your mouth open further with a thumb on your chin. He licks into you, brushing up against your hard palate, sucking your tongue into his mouth, his moan vibrating against your lips. You swallow it, responding with a whimper, and Joshua’s hips kick into yours. He can feel himself getting harder, feel the heat gathering in his gut, and the hand in your hair drifts down to take your hip in a firm grip, kneading at your plush skin.
Joshua’s about to bring his other hand down and lift you up onto the countertop, dreaming already of spreading your thighs and grinding against you, pulling your jeans down, spreading you with his fingers and licking you open before slipping his cock inside where he just knows you’re wet and hot and soft and perfect, but you pull away.
You pull away, and Joshua tries desperately to follow you, but you breathe a laugh against his lips and push him from you with a hand to his chest.
He can feel his eyebrows furrowing, knows he’s panting and probably looking slightly undignified, but he doesn’t care. All he cares about is why you stopped kissing him and how to get you to start kissing him again.
“Too fast?” He asks nervously, hands squeezing at your hips without his permission, and he consciously loosens his grip so you can fully pull away if you so choose.
“No, Joshie, you’re perfect, it’s just-” you pause to catch your breath. “The pasta’s about to boil over and the timer’s been going off for like three minutes.”
His head whips around, seeing your microwave beeping and the water jumping out of the pot, penne far too close to the surface for comfort. He moves with you in tandem, you turning the burner down and shutting off the timer, Joshua grabbing a colander from the cabinet and draining the pasta in the sink. Turning to toss you oven mitts right before you open the oven, he remembers his prediction of Option 1 and can’t hold in the laugh.
The sizzling of the olive oil and roasted tomatoes covers the chuckle escaping him, and Joshua moves behind you to wrap his arms around your waist and set his chin on your shoulder, smooching the side of your head. Your skilled hands mash the mixture together and pour in a bit of the pasta water he’d remembered to reserve (thank God), the sauce coming together quickly. He detaches from you only when you ask him to bring over the pasta, and he carefully tilts the penne into the dutch oven as you stir, the scent of garlic and goat cheese and robust San Marzanos filling the air.
Joshua had been so wrapped up in you, he didn’t even notice he was hungry, but as he feels his stomach growl, he still can’t say he cares much about eating right now. Food, that is.
You’re adorably excited though, beaming at him with bright eyes and spinning on your toes to retrieve the wine he brought, so he turns and lifts your favorite bowls down from the cabinet, grabbing two sets of silverware along the way. You meet him at your dining table, grinning and setting down the fresh grated parm, and Joshua can feel his throat close a little as he imagines doing this with you each and every night.
The pasta was delicious, recipe bookmarked in your phone and already sent to Mingyu and Seokmin, and he washes dishes with you side by side. The cleaning goes quickly, barring the wine glasses you’re both still drinking from, but Joshua plucks yours from your hand just before you pour another glass and backs you up against the sink.
“Joshua, we always finish the wine,” your tone and the use of his full name betrays your befuddlement, but he won’t be swayed.
“Baby,” Joshua pauses to follow the shiver that runs down your spine with his hand, gaze tinted with want and fondness, before continuing, “If we finish the wine, you’ll get tipsy. There are a lot of things I want to do to you tonight, and I can’t do 75% of them if you’re out of it.”
Your eyes grow wide, lashes fluttering, and you nibble at the inside of your lip. It’s a bad habit of yours, and you’ve complained to him before of the sore spots that result sometimes, so he takes the opportunity to smooth his thumb over your lip and gently tug it free. Leaning in to slide his tongue along the seam of your mouth, Joshua breathes softly against you and waits.
You huff, and surge forward to capture his lips with yours, your hands flying up to curl around his neck and pull him closer. Joshua giggles into your kiss, squeezing his hands around yours before moving them to your hips to haul you up against him so you can feel how hard he is for you, already. You press back, and his giggles melt into a groan at the feeling of your body against his. He’s wondering if you’ll let him fuck you on your counter, but you cook a lot and you’ll probably think it’s unsanitary. Joshua considers the dining table next, but doubts it’s sturdy enough for all of his plans, and the couch is just unacceptable, there’s not nearly enough room.
You make the decision for him, pushing against his hips with your own and sliding your hands in his hair to physically pull his lips from yours. He pouts, letting you tug him away but also letting his cock press against you when the pull makes his hips buck.
“Let’s go, then,” you whine urgently, trying to move forward, but the pressure’s made Joshua’s brain fuzzy and he has no clue what you’re talking about.
“Go where?” Joshua asks, panting against you before shaking his head in an attempt to clear it.
“Go to bed, babe, let’s go to the bed,” you set your hands on his chest and push insistently, and Joshua’s nothing if not a gentleman, so it takes little thought to let you guide him to your bedroom.
What his lady wants, his lady gets.
Joshua can’t take his eyes off you as you whip your shirt over your head and toss it at the chair in the corner, but he gets his ass in gear when he sees your hands slide down your body to unbutton your jeans. He’s thought too much about undressing you to let you do it yourself, and his hands pull yours up to his abs, using the distraction to undo your jeans and start tugging them down.
He’s not as sneaky as he thought though, and blushes at your knowing smirk as he presses a kiss to your belly. But Joshua gets you back, with his fingers sliding under both sides of your panties to pull them up tight against you.
You’re wet already and Joshua’s vision tunnels as he stares at the damp spot between your legs, your folds outlined by the fabric with how taut he’s holding it. You squirm, but he’s not done looking, and he soothes you with fingers petting gently at the soft skin of your hips, taking you in for a few more seconds.
Joshua doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable though, figures you might need some time to get used to him in this setting, and he knows there’ll be plenty of nights (and mornings and afternoons) for him to look his fill. So tonight, he lets go of your panties and rises to take his shirt off, unbuckling his belt and dropping his pants to the floor. He can feel your eyes on him as he gathers up his clothes and your jeans, crossing the room to lay them on your chair before turning back to you with the corners of his lips quirked up.
He can sense your nervousness, and tries to figure out how to break the ice and remind you he’s your best friend. Smiling at you until his eyes squint, Joshua walks toward you slowly, then charges you when he’s a few feet away. You shriek and giggle when he leans down to wrap his arms around you and press the side of his face into your chest, tackling you onto your bed. Bouncing together, Joshua rolls until you’re sitting on him and he can feel your wet heat on his cock, seeping through his boxers and making his dick twitch. He swallows a groan, trying to maintain some semblance of composure, but he gives that up when you start rolling your hips against his.
“Baby,” Joshua moans out, pulling your hips harder against his. “Tell me what you like?”
He sets up a steady grind as you think, feeling you get wetter and wetter against his dick, but he can tell you’re getting distracted by the friction, and he needs to know what’s okay and what’s not okay before he takes you any further.
So, Joshua stills your hips with a firm grip and says your name with all the sternness he can muster when you’re practically soaking through his boxers.
You pout at him guiltily, petting his pecs in apology, “I like not being in charge. I like when you grab me like that, and I liked when you threw me on the bed.”
Joshua can feel the heat rush through him at your candor, rewards you with minute thrusts of his hips against yours, and confirms, “You want me to manhandle you a bit? Tell you what to do?”
You sigh at the thought, sagging against him and Joshua sits up against the headboard so you can brace yourself on his chest without having to lean down so far.
“Yeah, Joshie, I want that,” you breathe against his lips before pulling him into a kiss, and he can tell you’re trying to distract him to get out of talking more, but he can’t make himself care.
“We’ll talk more about this later, yeah?” Joshua asks, but you both know it’s not a question.
You nod into the kiss, sucking his tongue and starting to buck against him in a cute, needy way, and Joshua can’t hold off any longer.
He holds you gently by the back of your neck, wrapping the other arm around your waist, and you get the memo to stop moving just before he starts rising up on his knees. He spreads his thighs underneath yours, shifting up so you tilt backwards onto the bed until he can hold himself above you, unwinding his arm from your waist to hold your jaw in one hand. He presses one last kiss to your plush lips before pulling away to stare down at you.
Your eyes are hazy, your breasts heaving, and Joshua can see the strain in your thighs from how his knees are holding them open, putting the wet patch on your panties on full display. He smirks, smoothing one hand down your body to slide his thumb down your cunt, feeling your folds part further under the pressure.
You’re so wet, the fabric is practically translucent, and Josh is hypnotized by the glimpse of your cunt. He shuffles down to get a closer look, palm flat to your sternum when you try to follow him, and he can’t resist sinking his middle finger into you as deep as your panties allow. The fabric gives easily, stretching and following his finger inside to the first knuckle. You’re tight, even just with this, and Joshua knows he’ll have to open you up if you want his cock, revels in it.
Withdrawing his finger, he watches your cunt clench around the bit of fabric that remains inside, groaning out loud when he pulls and it comes out of you even wetter. He’ll have to buy you new panties, and maybe some bras, perhaps a set or two, and probably matching couples pajam-
You squirm, and Joshua looks up to check in, relaxing when he sees you’re just desperate for more. He decides he’s tortured you enough for one night, yanking your panties down, tossing them off the bed, and leaning in close to get his first look at your bare pussy.
You’re glistening, hips shifting against the sheets in anticipation, and Joshua’s already thrown one leg over his shoulder before he asks, “Can I eat you out?”
You nod before he’s finished talking, but you should know by now that you’ll have to tell him, so he just stares, flicking his eyes between yours and your pussy.
Your eyes roll skyward in embarrassment and agitation, the back of your head pushing into your pillow, and you force out, “Yes, you can, please do.”
“That’s all you had to say, baby,” Joshua responds, a touch condescendingly and more than a touch smug, lifting your other thigh onto his shoulder and smoothing his hands around your hips to hold your pelvis down.
His first taste has him opening his mouth wider, wishing he could swallow you whole, but for now he’ll content himself with pushing his tongue as far inside you as it can go. You’re soft, and so hot, and soaking wet, and immediately Joshua knows he’d do this every day, if you’d let him. Wake you up with his head between your thighs and put you to bed with his tongue inside you, if he could. Live and breathe and die in your pussy, if you’d allow it. He thinks you just might, with the way you’re trying to buck up against his hands, your eyes closed and breathy whines escaping your open mouth.
In the future, Joshua will make you keep your eyes on him, but for now, he couldn’t care less. All he cares about is getting as much of you in his mouth as he can and making you cum on his tongue as soon as you can take it. He’s relentless, sucking your clit into his mouth, laving over it, pinching it between his lips, getting you wetter and wetter until you’re drenching his face and the sheets. You’re still trying to grind against him, which is cute, honestly, but Joshua’s not letting you move, not unless you tell him to stop.
He shifts to band one arm across your stomach, digging his fingers into the fleshy part of your hip, anchoring you to the bed, and brings his hand to your cunt to slide one finger inside. You’re not as tight as before, and Joshua sighs against you in relief before starting to nudge another finger at your entrance, looking up at you and waiting for the breathy yes yes yes to sink it in next to the first. His fingers are big, much thicker and longer than yours, and you take a second to adjust. You’re already squeezing at them though, pussy trying to suck them in deeper, so he follows until his knuckles brush against you, and curls his fingers up when he bottoms out.
(He’s a bit too deep to get at your g-spot, but you enjoy the motion nonetheless and open your mouth to beg for more right when Joshua suctions his plush lips around your clit again and you’re almost almost almost-)
“Fuck, Joshie, please! Please, please, please I’m right there,” you whine, hands flying down to push his head into you, fingers tangling in his hair, and Joshua has to press his hips into the bed to get his cock to stop jumping. He knows he’s leaking precum, will have to change the sheets after he gets you in the bath, but you’re just so fucking hot, he can’t help it.
He does want to make you cum though, needs to, so he starts spreading his fingers, opening you up for a third, and sucks harder at your clit until you break, back arching, mouth open in a silent scream. He keeps going, fucking his fingers in and out of your sopping wet pussy and tonguing your clit in pulses, until you push his head again, away from you this time.
Joshua releases your clit from his mouth but keeps his fingers inside, spreading them wider against your throbbing walls, and asks, “Wanna go again?”
You stare at him with wet lashes, your breasts rising and falling with your breaths, and he’s almost distracted enough to move up your body and suck your nipples into his mouth, wonders if he can get both at once if he pushes your tits together enough, thinks about digging his fingers into the plushness, thinks about the bruises he could nip into them, but you respond and pull him from his thoughts.
“I think it might kill me, but yes,” you exhale, sounding tired but so needy still and Joshua loves you, he loves you so much, and he really hopes you don’t notice when he spells it on your clit with his tongue, followed by his name, then yours with Hong tacked onto the end. He doesn’t think you do, because you’re moaning, near crying with pleasure, and he hasn’t even started moving his fingers again yet.
Which he rectifies immediately, pushing them into you with more force this time, spreading you open and shoving his tongue inside to lick at your walls. The hand grasping your hip shifts, fingers moving to press down on your clit, rubbing small, quick circles. Your wetness is seeping out around his fingers, dripping into his mouth and down his chin onto the bed, and he knows he needs to make you cum soon if he doesn’t want to push you into the unpleasant kind of overstimulation.
He pulls his hand out slightly, and you cry out at the loss, trying to buck your hips up and get him deep again, until he finds your g-spot and grinds into it with the tips of his fingers. Hooking his digits inside of you, Joshua rubs incessantly at the rough patch, fucking into you and suctioning his lips around your clit until you clench so tight he doesn’t bother moving them, until you break apart with a wail. You gush, wetness flooding out and soaking the lower half of his face, and Joshua feels his eyes fluttering shut as he drinks you in.
Your thighs shake on his shoulders, your stomach trembling as you try to get air into your lungs, and his tongue laps at your clit until you push his head away again, for good this time. Joshua doesn’t go far, still breathing you in and feeling your cunt throb around his fingers.
Your hand pets at his head before it slips from his hair, flopping down onto the bed as your eyes close heavily. You’re not asleep, and you haven’t passed out (he thinks), so he just lets you catch your breath and wipes his face off with one hand, pulling the other from you slowly before shifting your thighs off his shoulders and sitting up on his knees between your splayed legs.
Joshua wants to put his hands on you, smooth them up your body to squeeze your tits then cradle your face, but he has other plans for the slickness leftover on his palms.
He tugs his boxers down with a pinky, cock bobbing out, and waits for your eyes to open before saying softly, “Baby, I’m not fucking you tonight,” you shoot him a sleepy frown, bottom lip pushing out just a bit before he continues. “But can I cum on your pussy? I’ll rinse you off and run a bath after.”
Your pupils get even bigger, nearly blocking out the color of your irises, and you smile serenely at him with bleary eyes, wrapping your hands underneath your thighs and pulling them up so you’re spread open for him.
Fuck, Joshua’s so fucking gone for you.
He can feel more precum seeping out of the head of his cock, feel how his boxers stick to his thighs from a combination of you and him, and he can feel the shudder roll all the way from his scalp to his toes at the first touch of his hand on his cock. His palm is slick, wet with you, and he stops himself from dipping back into your pussy for more, knowing you’re sensitive.
You’ve given Joshua more than enough to work with anyway, more than he used to get on those lonely nights where all he had was the thought of you, and as he takes in your still fluttering cunt, takes in the fuckdrunk look on your face, takes in the scent of your pussy on the air, he already knows he’s close.
His body doesn’t know yet, but it’s catching up quick. His stomach is tensing, his chest rapidly expanding with his panting, his balls tightening more and more the longer he gazes at you. Joshua can’t contain his sounds, lets the grunts and groans fall into the air, whining your name when he glides one palm over the head of his cock and squeezes down at the base with the other. He just needs a little bit more, just a li-
“Cum, Joshie, please cum, I wanna feel it,” you ask sweetly, urgently, and he swears, feeling his cock jump in his hands as hot cum spills out, painting your pussy white and dribbling down your folds. His hearing goes fuzzy, white noise filling his mind, and he clenches his eyes shut, cumming harder than he has in… years?
Joshua opens his eyes to see your entrance clench, tightening around nothing, and he barely resists the urge to drop back down onto his stomach and push his cum inside of you, fuck it into your cunt with his fingers and then fuck it deeper with his dick, stay buried in you until he’s hard and do it all over again.
But you’re tired, and he’s tired, and he catches your wince when you let your thighs down.
Joshua reaches over to snag a tissue from the box you keep next to your bed, and wipes his hands off before smoothing them up your thighs to knead at where your pelvis connects with your femurs. You had your legs open for a while, then up, and he doesn’t want you to be sore tomorrow, so he pulls back, lifting you into his arms and carrying you into the bathroom. He sets you down on the counter, starting the shower and wiping your pussy off gently with a damp washcloth before handing you a clip so you can get your hair out of the way.
“Can we take a bath tomorrow? I just wanna snuggle and go to bed,” you request, voice thick with sleep and raspy from the orgasms, and Joshua feels his heart swell. His teeth poke out of the smile he shines at you, and he gathers you up into a hug, rubbing your back and picking you up off the counter to walk you into the shower. He can feel your breath leave you in a contented sigh, and you lean your head against his chest as he spreads suds up your back, his hands drifting over your skin gently and massaging out any knots he finds.
You’re dozing against him when he drops to his knees to wash your lower half so he leans you against the shower wall, keeping one hand on your hip to make sure you don’t fall over. Making quick work of himself, Joshua shuts off the shower and wraps you up in a towel, patting his hands over your limbs to dry you off as much as he can. You’re a bit more awake now that you’re out of the heat of the water, and he dries himself off roughly before helping you tug your robe on and ushering your slightly shivering form into your bedroom. You’re walking fine, but Joshua keeps his hands on you anyway, doesn’t see a reason not to, and tries to pretend he’s not giddy at the thought of picking out your pajamas and falling asleep next to you.
He escorts you to the bench at the end of your bed, makes sure you’re sitting securely, and turns to your dresser to get something for you to sleep in.
“Just gimme your shirt,” you mumble, leaning back against your bed and pulling your knees to your chest, and Joshua short circuits for a second, imagining you in his clothes. It’s time to sleep, he chides himself, when he feels the blood rushing down to his dick, and speeds over to grab his tee from the chair. It’s huge on him, and he knows you’ll look adorable in it even before he tugs it over your head, and fuck, does he love being right.
He questions you about undies and follows your finger to the top drawer, pulling out the first pair his fingers touch so he doesn’t linger, and guides them up your legs. You stand and pull them the rest of the way on yourself, before climbing right up onto your bed and holding a hand out.
Joshua tries his best to keep his cool, but he’s just a little too excited to burrow under the covers with you, and your body rolls towards him when he hops into the bed. He pretends he planned it though, pretends he was continuing his bit from earlier, when he bodychecked you into the mattress, and he’s pretty sure he’s gotten away with it until you giggle and tap his nose.
He scoffs into the space between him and you, then pulls you closer until there’s none left, dropping a kiss on each of your cheeks, laying one on your forehead, and gently pressing his lips to yours as his final goodnight kiss.
“Oh!,” Joshua remembers, shifting up onto an elbow to stare down at you, “And in case it wasn’t obvious, I’m deeply, madly, embarrassingly in love with you.”
You blink up at him with exhausted eyes, smiling and placing a palm on his cheek to pull him down into one more kiss, before winking at him and whispering, “Same.”
You’re asleep before Joshua’s gotten over his disbelief, but he just grins, realizing it’s Saturday, and he’ll get to wake you up with his favorite song, crooned directly into your ear.
AN: im too sleepy to do a real an rn but whoever requested this ily so much and to all of my followers ily so much too and i'll see you tomorrow muah
tagging: @lenireads @confusedbansheee @junhui-recs @burningupp-replies @heeseung-lover686 @favehoshiposts @gyvswhore @jaysawake (unable to tag) @1004luvangel @bangchanbabygirlx @baldi-2 (unable to tag) @monamonay @dontyouthinkiknowwhoiam @just-here-to-read-01 @gaebestie
find my masterlist here
okay im gonna go to bed bye
#joshua smut#joshua x you#joshua x reader#seventeen x reader#seventeen smut#seventeen#✨emily writes✨#emily feels like she's going insane#emily is very tired#emily has hurt her own feelings#seventeen x you#✨emily's sleepover✨
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ELLIE WILLIAMS X ANEMIC!READER HEADCANONS
shes basically taking care of you n all:3
mdni please<3
warnings: anemia, a lil of smut
writers note: i swear its okay to read even if youre not anemic:3 i feel like shed do these thingss even to hers not anemic gf.. also this may seem odly specific because im anemic myself and idk this idea randomly came up to my mind so enjoyy !!
SFW
🌿lets start with the fact that an anemic person tends to become tired and sluggish very easily so they (most of them) enjoy any kind of support
🌿ellie knows that your health is fragile so she tries to be as patient and gentle as possible in your interactions<3
🌿when youre not feeling well shes is usually pretty awkward and she has no idea how to help you😓(my poor awkward gf) BUT whenever she doesnt know what to say she just offers to help you out in small ways like preparing food or running errands
🌿if you both live together her GOAL is to keep your house well-lit and cool as too much heat or brightness makes it hard to focus/uncomfortable for people with anemia
🌿she always makes sure you drink and eat well so you have more energy and all
🌿she always gets mad when you refuse to go to sleep because she knows you need to.. even if youre making a cute excuse like
"but els, i want to stay up so i can spend time with you!"
and then she'll roll her eyes at you and say "we can do whatever you want tomorrow, you need to rest now!"
and would even forcefully make you if needed🙏
🌿if its modern!ellie(just ellie having access to a phone), she'll secretly google things about your illness and things like "how to help your anemic girl from passing out every time she misses breakfast" I JUST KNOW SHED DO THAT ISTGG
🌿she would hate to hear you being guilty. like when you say "im tired of you making all the little house jobs just because i mostly dont have the energy to.." she'll go crazy. not in a bad way, of course, but she wont drop the topic until she makes sure you understand she doesnt mind.
🌿she also definitely hates when you want to convince her into letting you help her.
"fuck, ellie, its not cancer, its anemia! i can at least help you" you say angrily. like, really angrily. because youre kind of right (but she doesnt care)
"we've talked about this, lay down and wait for me," she answers sternly. so sternly you feel shivers down your spine.
🌿but when you eventually talk with her (you manage not to start an argument but really, simply talk) she understands your point and promises she'll let you help her with some things
🌿one time you told her that anemic people are sensitive to the cold and its true but now she overuses it as an excuse to cuddle up with you. like she couldnt just say she wants to be near you. istg, this woman...
🌿she ALWAYS lookout for things that could potentially cause bleeding
🌿she loves when you blush. more than anything. mostly because anemia makes the blood blah blah idc basically anemic people dont really blush so when you actually do she would just stare at you with a wide smile. and when you ask her why is she looking at you like that she wont admit it just like that, shed say something like "you just look more colorful than usual"
NSFW
🌿anemic people often have pale or translucent skin tone and that makes bruises really visible. and we all know ellie can be rough. so when she wakes up after a.. long night and she notices what she did, she feels so bad. like really bad. she apologies as soon as you wake up and of course you try to convince her it doesnt hurt, because it really doesnt and you, in fact, really enjoyed all of this, but she thinks youre just lying to make her feel better
🌿one time you woke up in the late evening after one of your naps. usually, ellie stays with you - awake, watching you sleep and drawing something in her sketchbook but this day you woke up to an empty bed:( you quickly stood up to look for her and after a few steps, your little anemic head started spinning from the sudden move. your vision got blurry and eventually completely black. you felt your knees getting weak but right before you could fall someone caught you. your lovely hero - ellie. you leaned on her as she held you from behind, what could look like a normal hug for someone who just saw you both like that, and you felt the bulge in her pants pressed against you. why the hell would she wear it now? you failed to stay quiet and you let out a soft moan. your girlfriend noticed that but she thought its caused by your health state
"shh, shhh... it's okay"
when your vision was back to normal, you turned around and kissed her as a simple way to thank her for being here with you. before you could think, you were grinding on her lap, getting ready to take her strap while she firmly held your hips, guiding them to move back and forth 🥰🥰
#ellie williams x reader#ellie williams headcanons#ellie x y/n#ellie williams x you#ellie williams x y/n#ellie williams#ellie x reader#ellie tlou#anemia#anemic#health care
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(THIS IS SUPER CRAZY LONG BTW SRRY) I was thinking about it a lot last night and here's the thing:
I don't like random acts of violence. Obviously, I have some sort of fixation on mass shootings but typically I don't like people such as TJ Lane or Nikolas Cruz and especially Salvador Ramos. People who kill just for the thrill of it. I do not like them. That's why I do not like serial killers or their cases.
And look, I'm sure if I got into the nitty gritty of each case, I would understand the perpetrators more. In fact, I know by all angles I might look like Im a hardcore AL stan or whatever, but it never started like that. And still isn't. I think he was an incredibly smart, and funny boy who seriously could've become something in his life, but what he did was utterly disgusting and I will never be able to just put that past him, even if I do agree and maybe even look up to some aspects of him. I'm not a nihilist in the belief that everyone deserves to die. And especially not young children.
However, when it comes to Columbine specifically, its almost like every moral inside me is just pushed into the back of my mind. And maybe that's because I relate so deeply to these two assholes, or whatever, but I have to admit that I feel very guilty for the way I think about this case. And it wasnt an instant thing, I knew I felt eaten up with guilt from the second I joined this community.
It started with Zero Day, I made a tik tok account (DONT EVER DO THAT, TRUST) and suddenly I see all these people who at the time I considered freaks, have mass killers as profile pictures. I started to just block all of them, I used to repeat to myself how awful it was, replay in my head what those people did, and how their victims felt. It was like a compulsion to combat the obsession I was falling into which was the fact that, I was sickly interested in the whole thing. I dont even remember what kick started it, when I became what I considered a "degenerate", but, oh, did it happen.
I would be angry, furious, sick and disgusted with myself for even thinking of D&E. But the more you start to worry about the intrusive thoughts inside your head, the more they come. So the more swallowed up by guilt I felt. The more shame I was consumed by. I thought I had hit a rock fucking bottom. I remember the first time I ever saw that library picture of E&D, and I had never felt such shock and surprise in my life. I was so shocked at what I saw, I briefly mentioned (AND SHOWED?? DONT DO THIS BTW IM DUMB) it to my friends...and my parents. Who all just brushed it off, "yeah, theirs some sickos in the world". Which was easy for them to say, they weren't the ones becoming "sick".
All of that to say that, that picture was the nail on the coffin. The way I look at it now it was like I was on a rope desperately trying not to fall into the water, the community, but my arms couldn't take it anymore and I gave in. Slowly but surely those thoughts about E&D weren't painful and shocking to me anymore, I read Dylans journal and that was really a point of no return. I felt seen, the more I read it, the more time that has went on, it's like reading pages of my own life. I remember writing in my own journal that, even still I was ashamed for reading it, to relating to it.
I mean obviously, this fixation consumed me. I tried to put it into anything I could. Dinner table politics? Boom, mass shooting. My speech and debate script? Boom, mass shootings. My essay for school? Mass shooting. Art work for school? Mass shootings. And none of this has gone away or even flickered, and most times I'm completely okay with that.
But I am sometimes still constantly shameful. I think to myself, "if there ever is a mass shooting, you will sacrifice yourself first to repent for your little obsession" Even though I've lived in America all of my life, I have now become so obsessed about thinking where a shooter could be, especially at school. Not paying attention? Im probably thinking of a way to escape a shooting. Not just casually either, like, vivid imagery type shit. The worst part is that me and my brother go to the same school. I still feel guilty about my "fixation" with guns and mass shootings. I fear that as punishment for this, he would be the one to die in a shooting, not me. And he's my world, he's my best friend, he's the one who told me to stay away from here, and he's the one who still loves me anyway.
That's why I stray away from info posts about the Columbine victims. You'd think maybe it would be some compulsion to make up for my constant thinking of the killers, to learn about the killed, but no. It makes me feel even worse. I do care about those kids. I think it was a tragedy. Nobody should've died, they were all victim's to life and America and God himself maybe.
But what breaks my heart the most, the thing I will never get out of my head, is that one of the boys who died that day, shares a name with my brother. The first time I ever learned that, (which I do hold strong opinions about why certain victims get more "fame" and why that pisses me the hell off, but different post) I could've just fucking puked. I don't want to outright say his name because god forbid my brother ever stumble onto tumblr, but the reason why they killed him, the awful things they said, it makes me so angry. That poor fucking kid, he didn't do anything, nothing, not even indirectly. It makes you forget the empathy you held for E&D cause why would they have said those things or done that. They knew damn well he would've never, ever, not once, been someone who caused them pain. But this isn't a deep dive into why they did this shit.
All of this to say, I really hope you don't see me as just another edgelord, alpha male (yeah right, sure that was going through all your heads) "kill em all" kind of dude. Yeah, I don't care for humanity. Yeah, I am obsessed with gun violence. And no, I don't focus much on victims online. I relate too much to two goons who thought that everyone was against them. That's why I repost so much about them, cause I see them in me more than anything else. I do not "like" random acts of violence, I just like the comfort of knowing I'm not so out of my mind.
#wow sorry for the book I just released#i really appreciate it if you read all that#someone sedate smiggles
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Nightmare Academia P.19 | Spencer Reid x Reader
♥ Summary: In this chapter of Nightmare Academia, somebody dies, somebody leaves, and somebody ends up alone. [Prof!Spencer Reid x GN-Prof!Reader]
♥ Warnings: criminal minds season 10, episode 13. Nelson's Sparrow.
♥ A/N: i remembered which episode this was off hand, im oddly proud lmao
♥ Word Count: 1847
Series Masterlist
♥♥♥
Spencer didn’t think he would have to call in that favour you’d offered him. He was pretty sure that when you sent a little text that said, “I owe you one,” you were joking. He waved it off like you were joking. When he told you not to mention the favour he had done, he’d meant it. The two of you had spent the rest of the night joking because that was all it was supposed to be.
The favour, the owing, it was all supposed to be a joke.
Then Gideon died.
Nothing really seemed funny after that.
Spencer had to leave for a bit. He needed to go, and join his team, and solve this murder. He also had classes to teach. He hoped you would help him out with that, though he hated having to ask. You didn’t deserve this burden. You hadn’t deserved it before, either, but you kind of took it on without asking.
Now, Spencer had to ask.
He didn’t want to do it. Like, he really didn’t want to do it. He ended up staring at your contact in his phone for a solid forty-five minutes waffling over what the fuck he could say in this situation.
“My old friend and mentor was murdered last night. I need to go find the man that did it. Cover my cases for me while I’m gone, will you?” Felt rude. And harsh. And like a crazy fucking load of information that you would definitely have questions about- and while he would normally love to answer your questions, Spencer- understandably- did not feel like answering questions about this specific topic.
A simple, “We need to talk,” was way too goddamn ominous.
“I need a favour,” could be taken all kinds of wrong ways.
Something like, “Heyyyyy, so, my old mentor died and I need to go find the man that did it. Would you mind covering my classes for me until I come back, even if that takes actual months? K thank u byeeeee,” just felt wrong.
“A close friend of mine just passed, and I need some time. Can you cover my classes for me while I’m gone?” Was appropriate, but it left out so much- and for some reason, Spencer didn’t like the thought of lying to you.
So, he decided to tell you in person.
And he had regrets about that decision almost immediately.
He ended up standing by the office door like a fucking creeper for a solid five minutes. He didn’t move, he didn’t open the door, he didn’t knock, he didn’t say anything, he just sort of stood there thinking about what the fuck he was going to say to you.
And then the door creaked open for him.
You were sitting at the desk that you shared with him, buried so deeply in your work that you didn’t even hear the door open. You didn’t look up. You didn’t see Spencer. You just typed away at the computer in front of you, marking papers and adding up grades.
You seemed oddly peaceful. At ease. Relaxed- at least as relaxed as you could be while grading. Spencer briefly contemplated the idea of leaving you a note.
Before he could take off to find a pen and follow in his mentor’s footsteps, you finally saw him. Your eyes lit up, they really did, but Spencer told himself he was seeing things.
“Good morning, Dr. Pretty Boy!” you stretched yourself out slightly, giving Spencer the impression that you’d been working for a while, “Ready for more bullshit?”
For a moment, despite everything, Spencer managed to find respite from his grief. A smile crossed his features. He laughed at your joke- and immediately, he felt guilty for it. His eyes went from bright to broken in a split instant. Tears welled up in their corners. What fucking friend was Spencer? Gideon hadn’t been dead for two days, and here he was, laughing with his cute coworker over some cute fucking quip.
The grief crashed over his body in waves. Reid tried to hide it. He looked away from you, covering his mouth with his hand and trying not to actually sob in the middle of your shared office.
You saw right through him.
“Oh, pretty boy,” your voice was a whisper, and as you darted into Spencer’s field of view, he could see the concern etched into your face. Somehow, it made him feel worse.
“Hey, hey,” you tried to hide your own panic with soothing words, briefly wondering what the fuck you could’ve done to make him cry. Your mind came up blank. And really, if Spencer cried easily- if he cried the way you did- you were sure you would’ve broken him by now, but you hadn’t.
Honestly? That was probably the worst option. That meant something was wrong- and you probably wouldn’t fix that something with an apology and a cup of coffee.
Still. You had to do your best.
“Reid? Spencer, honey, talk to me,” you reached out, lightly placing your fingers on his elbow- enough touch to comfort, but hopefully not enough to make him uncomfortable.
He didn’t say anything, but for a moment, he looked at you. His eyes were full of unshed tears. You could feel your heart drop through you before it shattered somewhere deep inside. Without another thought, your grip on Spencer’s arm changed from a light graze to an undeniable hold.
When you spoke, you sounded panicked. You said his name and Spencer could practically feel it- like ice down his spine, like the feeling of falling just as your body goes to sleep. Ironically, it woke him up.
“Gideon’s dead.”
You tried to find a response to that, but the words escaped you. Mostly because you didn’t know who that was. Spencer saw the confusion on your face, and with a deep breath, he offered you the kindness of elaboration.
“He was- he got me into the FBI. He was important and now he’s dead.”
“Shit,” you brought your other hand up to hold his arm, “Spencer, I’m so sorry.”
“I have to go. I have to find the person that did this.”
You tried to hide your shock at the revelation that Spencer’s friend hadn’t just died- Gideon had been murdered. And Spencer wanted to solve the case.
What choice did you have but to support him? In his place, you would want to do the same thing- you just wouldn’t have the qualifications for it. Spencer, however, was part of the FBI. He could help solve this case, legally and responsibly. You had to let him go.
“Then find them. Don’t worry about your classes, I’ll cover them-”
“You-” he cut himself off with a broken laugh, “You didn’t even let me ask.”
“You don’t have to. I know you would do the same for me- even if you wouldn’t, I like talking shit about the FBI to your students. It’s fun for me, that's how I have fun. Now go,” you let one of your hands run up his arm, “Get out of here, solve some crimes, and legally get whoever did this behind fucking bars.”
Spencer put one of his hands over yours. You took the initiative and laced your fingers together. The two of you stared for a moment, focusing on nothing but your joined hands.
“I’m sorry,” he broke the silence- not by much. His voice wasn’t anything more than a whisper.
“Sorry? For what?”
“For coming in here and crying all over you.”
“Hey, don’t apologize for that. I cry all the time, remember? I cry constantly. I can start crying now, if you want me to-”
“That won’t be necessary,” he grinned, tracing tiny shapes into your skin with the tips of his fingers, “Thank you, though? Is that the appropriate thing to say? Thank you?”
“Thank you works for me.”
“Then, thank you.”
Silence flowed over you again, curling around your bodies like some sort of mist. For a moment, the universe stilled, preserving the two of you in a tiny soundless bubble of space and time.
“Go kick some criminal ass, pretty boy. Responsibly. And then come back here, okay?”
“I will. I promise.”
“Good. Because otherwise, I will turn your students into my little minions, and you’ll never get them back.”
“I wouldn’t expect anything less.”
With a final grin, you pulled back. Spencer did the same. You wound your arms around yourself and squeezed. The air in the office dropped a few degrees. Spencer’s hands twitched, tapping a nervous pattern into his thigh.
“I’ll see you later, (L/N).”
He stepped back, moving slowly. When he reached the doorway, he turned and headed down the hall at regular Spencer-speed. You just stood in the office like an idiot. For the second time that week, Reid had stunned you to silence.
The first time, when he brought your student’s paper to the community center, you were stunned by the kindness he displayed. The Spencer you knew was usually smarmy petty little shit. He had his moments (such as getting stabbed to protect you and sharing his office with you when yours got all haunted) but for the most part, he was a bit of a prick!
In that moment, though, Reid did something kind and considerate. He took care of someone who needed it. He reached out to a former inmate with compassion and empathy, and even though Reid had worked for the FBI, you wanted to bring him to the community center with you every goddamn Monday for the rest of time. That little action had exposed his heart to you- and yeah, most people would argue that the whole “taking a knife” thing was a better demonstration of character, but for whatever reason, this was what stunned you.
The second time he’d stunned you, he’d done it by leaving, and lord, this time was worse. This time the shock didn’t feel like butterflies swarming through your organs. It felt like fear. Like an unknown future was running at you with malevolent intent.
At one point, you had wanted this. You wanted Spencer to leave, but now? The fucker had carved out a space for himself right in the middle of your life. He’d built a little niche between your fourth and fifth ribs and moved right into you. You had functioned without him when he was in the hospital, but you had always figured he would come back. This was an indefinite leave of absence. This was an indefinite leave of absence after you had warmed to Spencer, after he had shown you (in multiple ways) that he could be kind.
You finally came back to your body, still feeling a slight numbness in your hands. You moved to the doorway just in time to watch Reid turn around the corner and vanish from sight.
“I’ll see you,” you said- though you weren’t loud enough for him to hear by any means, “Reid.”
Behind you, a couple books fell from their shelves. You didn’t even flinch.
♥ Tags: @icarusignite, @usuallyunlikelyfox, @maraudersforlife2005, @fictionalcomforts, @morgthemagpie, @iiheartbowie, @digitalhearts, @corpsebridenightamare, @ghostatrixx, @reiding-writing, @mywellspringoflife, @80katie, @ms-ks-world, if you asked to be tagged and i forgot, pls let me know!! if you would like to be tagged and aren't, also let me know :D
#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid x gn!reader#spencer reid x you#spencer reid x y/n#x reader#nightmare academia
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i have NO FREAKING idea if you even write these kinds of stuff (but gurl u have wrote most of my request thus far so) but maybe kazuha, cyno, tighnari, and diluc masturbation headcanons? (ps gurl your writing SLAYS)
literally could not wait to write about this shit you don’t even know. i saw the names of my favorite boys, minus alfredo sauce, and HAD to get my hands on my phone to write this. THANK YOU FOR THE REQUEST!!!:!! i haven’t a clue in the world who you are but i’m so glad i’ve been able to write your requests :)
i get burnt out super easily from writing so please be patient with me! im working on the requests as much as i can </3
writing smut hcs while listening to lana del ray ?? mhm mhm that’s me rn 🤭
masturbation hcs for tighnari, cyno, kazuha, and diluc (+ bonus character!)
Kazuha
tbh he’d feel guilty about doing it 😭 bro is crying and cursing to himself in the bathroom trying to release before he can think twice
^^^ “what if (Y/N) doesn’t appreciate this… what if— agh..!”
he probably doesn’t please himself much because he loves when you do it for him. but when he does, you’re either away or you simply don’t want to
can’t really say why i think he’d feel guilty, but he’d be overly secretive about masturbating. he’d be SO QUIET when he does it too. maybe out of humiliation of being caught
but don’t worry, it’s always to the thought of you which is why he does it
one time you did catch him and he felt so ashamed omg
poor baby was just speechless and stuttering when he tried explaining himself. to that, you just laughed out of confusion because you didn’t understand why he was so upset about it
you assure him that he shouldn’t feel guilty about pleasuring himself because you do the same thing. in fact, you encourage him to tell you when he’s aroused!!
when he’s giving himself a dick handshake if ykwim, he leans his head against the bathroom counter and just moans and cries and JESUSSSHSH
^^probably drools while he does it too due to the thought of you
HE FINISHES SO FUCKING FAST THOUGH SO IT PROBABLY TAKES HIM LIKE A MINUTE IF HE GOES SUPER QUICK SHDJEIDIE😭
don’t worry kazuha, let me give you a dick handshake instead
Cyno
he doesn’t feel ashamed. he’ll masturbate when and where he wants
^^ i don’t think he would often, though. if he’s always with you, he will fuck you when he wants (as long as it’s okay with you!!)
he doesn’t waste his time when you can just do all the work for him like wtf
when he does though, he gets straight to the point and goes absolutely ham on his cock bro
pulling and moving and pinching at it— yeah. all of the above.
he’d have to grab his stomach or his man boob while he’s doing it. or just something for some damn balance
is cyno into being pegged?
…… i think so.
too ashamed to admit it though tbh. homebody will use YOUR items to fuck his own ass. probably forgets to even clean them or tell you about it
“cyno, love… what is my makeup brush covered in?”
that’s a win for the gays idgaf
Tighnari
oh but he’d record himself giving himself a glock dendro cardio dance with his cock
… and send it to you. purposely while you’re away so you can get all needy and horny for him
he’s also very much experienced in plants. will purposely make some unknown concoction to make his hormones and sexual levels go all crazy
^^ for better cum shot vids for you ofc
STOP HES SO DAMN SASSY AND WHINEY. and very stubborn.
definitely tried to suck his own thangy thing before just to see if he could
whimpers and cries while going at it but his voice would be so calm and soft.
... also. i can picture tighnari talking to himself as he's jerking off. sort of like roleplaying? but roleplaying with himself? ASKMOAJDJH-
"Oh, oh...! (Y/N)... take it all for me. Take it all and don't complain one bit."
when he does send/show you... those kind of videos... it would make you all nervous and blushy n shit
and ofc you'd come to his rescue and save him from drowning in his sexual abyss
god not really a masturbation hc but ohmygod when hes mad and in heat he'd grab his belt and snap it and look right into your eyes and-
"Mm, my sweet (Y/N). Are you sure you want to do this?"
not really a maturbation hc but... he'd fuck so painfully sweet it leaves me drooling every time i think of it
THIS IS GONNA SOUND SO FUCKING WEIRD BUT- hear me out.
^^ tighnari is getting heated right? and hes about to cum so he goes a bit faster with himself. and his ears lower. while hes whining. YALLL ANYWAYS I I I -
i got a little too carried away with these tighnari im sorry :( i love him too much anyways
next character.
Diluc
grunts and groans and shit and omfg sound of heaven vibrating in my ears
really though, if you lived in dawn winery with him and were an official couple, i think he'd masturbate quite often when hes horny
^^ he has so so many duties. working sometimes in a tavern, protecting monstadt, being involved in many things makes him busy. he doesnt see you much due to this :(
^^ so when he comes home in the late nights, and he's feeling a little horny, he doesn't want to wake you up. so he masturbates.
its boring without your help :(
his sex drive isnt too high so this doesnt happen often
theres not much to say about him jerking off tbh... he just does it quickly to release and then thats it HELPASKO-
i can say though that he tries his best to picture you being the one doing it.
^^ kinda stopped masturbating as often when you woke up in the middle of the night one time to see him in the bathroom, butt-ass naked and giving himself a hand job
you assure him that he should wake you up when he wants some love!! he started doing this sometimes but still felt bad waking you :((
"Oh, (Y/N), darling... are you sure? ... Please, tell me if I need to stop."
this is a kinda weird, random, maybe untrue headcanon i have of diluc, but i can just imagine his balls being fucking wrinkly- LIKE PLEASE IDK HE JUST GIVES THOSE VIBES
I LOVE DILUC
Zhongli (bonus!!)
these are for my prince. you know who you are *kiss
anyways zhongli.
IM SORRY BUT HE GRUNTS LIKE AN OLD FUCKING MAN. im sure you guys wouldnt mind that huh?
so slow and patient with himself. he wants to enjoy being riled up as much as possible !!
kinda harsh on himself when he's getting busy, but so tender and warm when he's fucking you :(
probably pinches his tip doing it tbh LMFAOOFOAK
when hes angry or jealous, i think he would try not to let it out on you. instead, he'd just masturbate EXTREMELY vigorously LMFPOS- treats you the best so he doesn't wanna be mean :(
he'd moan and grunt dont even try to argue with me... maybe whines
#cyno x y/n#cyno x reader#cyno genshin impact#cyno scenarios#zhongli#zhongli x reader#zhongli hcs#cyno headcanons#tighnari x y/n#tighnari#genshin tighnari#tighnari hcs#tighnari x reader#genshin diluc#diluc x reader#diluc hcs#diluc ragnvindr#kazuha#kazuha x reader#kazuha kaedehara#kazuha headcanons#genshin smut#genshin impact#genshin x reader
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The Other Man- Part Six// t.c.
yes, im using this photo to torture you.
Warnings: fluffy as hell, shower sex, oral sex male receiving, actually I’m gonna stop with the warnings on this one bc honestly this is very explicit and filthy, if you're not 18 or older don't read this lol
Timmy said, ‘I love you.’ It didn’t shock you; it didn’t make you shoot your eyes open and ask him if he was crazy. His words didn’t even faze you in that way. It was quite the opposite, actually. You were soothed by it.
He didn’t expect you to respond. You both just went straight to sleep, feeling relaxed and cozy together on the couch.
In the middle of the night, he awoke and carried you to your bedroom upstairs so you could sleep more comfortably. You had the images of him tucking you in with your warm blankets flashing through your dreams.
In the early morning, you woke up before him. You looked over at him, he stirred but didn't raise out of his slumber. You took the moment to admire his pure beauty. His curls were messy from sleeping and splayed across his pillow and his forehead. His naked chest rose and fell with his rhythmic breathing. His eyelashes were thick, and they fluttered some as his eyelids moved ever so noticeably as he dreamt. You took it upon yourself to smooth out his overgrown, woolly brows.
"Baby." you whispered to him, thinking that he could certainly hear you in his shallow state of sleep.
"mm." Timmy grumbled lightly. He could hear you.
"I'm gonna get in the shower." you said softly, then kissed his forehead after you pushed his disheveled curls back. You smiled to yourself as you watched him snuggle deeper into the pillow, too sleepy to get up yet.
You stepped into the shower feeling happier than you had been in years. You weren't stressed, you weren't annoyed at Billy for leaving his clothes or a towel on the bathroom floor, you weren't even thinking about work. You called in and said you were sick when you woke up. You never took days off, so you had some sick days you could use up.
The warm water flooded your skin, soothing any aches and pains that Timmy had given you during your lovemaking. To be honest though, you would carry around the soreness in your core all the time, just to be reminded that you were now his, and he was yours.
You felt a little bit guilty about not saying that you loved him back. You hoped he didn't go to sleep with any doubts about your feelings for him. You lathered up and scrubbed away at your face and body, knowing that you had a layer of sweat all over you from last night.
You heard the bathroom door open: Timmy.
He pulled the shower curtain back, grinning at you and then stepping into the shower with you. He got behind you, pulled the curtain closed, and gently swept your wet hair back. Kissing you on the cheek, he started to rub your shoulders.
You moaned softly in relief.
Timmy went on massaging your neck, kneading his fingers into your skin. He ran his palms down your arms, taking his time. You knew what was happening. He was spoiling you, just the same way as you did to him on your first night together. It meant a lot to you for him to lay back and let you love him. And now, without the words, he was returning the favor. Not that he needed to at all, but he wanted to, without an ounce of selfishness.
He kissed your neck, left little pecks on your shoulders, but it wasn't because he hoped to fuck. It was love. And you knew it.
"Timmy," you said, carefully turning toward him, "I'm sorry I fell asleep before responding to what you said last night."
He smiled, "Don't worry, I didn't think anything of it." He moved in front of you, wetting his hair. "We were both pretty beat anyway."
You bit your lip at the sight of his curls slumping down into his face as they got wet. You watched the water run down his tight body. He looked like a damn porn movie. He'd be the highest-paid star in the industry if he made the career change. You nearly salivated when you noticed the water droplets collected upon the dusting of pubic hair he had.
"Are you just looking or..." he spoke, and you looked up at him. His eyes turned a deep-sea green and he narrowed them at you. "Or are you wanting something?"
"Hmm." you hummed, flicking a sly grin at him before kneeling in front of him. You placed your hands on his wet thighs.
"y/n." he cooed your name and sank his fingers into your hair.
You took his cock into your hands, the water in the shower acting as a lubricant so you could stroke him. You kissed the tip, "Such a nice cock, baby." you said, pumping your hands slower to tease him.
Timmy murmured some curse words and put his hand on the shower wall. He looked down at you. You saw the muscles in his torso and arms tense up.
You put his cock between your moist lips. He used his hand to shield your eyes from the water falling down. You slurped and sucked on him, not totally able to fit his entire length in your mouth. But you did play with the tip and the slit with your tongue, swirling around it and flicking the spot where his precum began leaking out. You moaned when you tasted him, no doubt vibrating his cock.
Timmy smacked the shower wall, not hard, but just to relieve some of the tension he was feeling. He was bucking his hips softly, carefully, sliding his long cock in your mouth, barely grazing the back of your throat. "Fuck, I wanna be in your pussy." he huffed out.
You put a hand flat on his lower tummy, "Wait, baby, I wanna try something." You raised up, still on your knees, taking one of your breasts in each hand. You placed them on either side of his hard cock. It was red and leaking translucent white creamy streams. You used your tits to stroke him.
You thought Timmy's pretty eyes were going to pop out of their sockets. His mouth agape, he kept a hand lovingly on your back to hold you in place. His other hand was placed on your hand to help you keep your grip on your boobs as you pumped his cock.
"You are fucking everything." he praised you, petting your wet hair. He caressed your face. "Feels so incredible. I love your tits so much. You're perfect."
His words sent beams of throbbing aches to your pussy. You held his cock still between your breasts, and licked the slit of his cock, welcoming the salty cream of him onto your tongue again. You swallowed and giggled sinfully as you looked up at him.
"I'm gonna fuck you into oblivion." he said. And he did. He grabbed you forcefully, getting you back on your feet and shoved you against the wall. He propped your left leg over his hip and pushed his cock inside you in one go. He held your waist with his hands and rammed into you. Wet smacking sounds from your bodies echoed in the shower.
"Oh my God, Timmy!" you cried. Your breasts bounced and your hard, sensitive nipples met his chest with each thrust. The friction there was exquisite. Curse words spilled out of your mouth without you even knowing that you were saying them.
Timmy kissed you sloppily, on the lips, on the cheek, wherever he could get you.
You kissed back with the same passion. You wanted to devour this man. You put your arms around him tightly as he fucked you harshly. After about another minute, your thought your body would explode, but it was only an orgasm. You closed your eyes, seeing stars. You felt his hips shaking and he shot his load into you as well.
"Timmy," you said, breathing heavily and still hugging him, "I love you."
He rested his forehead on your shoulder. He hadn't let go of you yet, either. "You're not saying it just because my cock is in you, are you?"
"No!" you cried, you took his face in your hands, "I love you, Timothee Chalamet." You brushed his curls out of his eyes so he could know that you were sincere by seeing your eyes.
He nodded, "Good." he pecked your lips, and then turned to leave the shower.
You were left in the shower with your thoughts, and you couldn't help but feel down. You weren't convinced that he fully believed in you.
@gatoenlaciudad @thebetawolfgirl @musicandbooksaremyhappyplace @softhecreator
Author’s note: This isn’t as long as some of the other parts. I’ll make up for it.
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dom Coryo and his good boy 🤭
not sure if this is snowjanus or coryo/male reader,,, so i'll do the latter because there's literally 0 gay fics with my boys lol
im thinking peacekeeper coryo (since that's the only time i can imagine him being remotely dominant tbh). he met you during his first week in 12 and he fell head over fucking heels for you.
the only problem was, he couldn't love you as openly as he would be able to with lucy gray. sexuality wasn't a problem in the capitol, but the districts? he didn't know.. and he wanted to play it safe. he couldn't risk having his reputation get any more tarnished than it already was.
so, when you two finally decided to give it a try, the first thing you made clear was that you were going to keep it secret from everyone. you felt guilty for what this would do to lucy gray when she inevitably found out, but coriolanus would simply kiss that guilt away.
you got lucky this fine morning, both conveniently having the day off. the barracks were left completely empty, and would be for at least and hour or so.
.. obviously you're taking advantage of that.
coriolanus was already half way undressed by the time the front door was shut, hard on being shown off through his thin white boxer briefs. he pinned you down against one of the bunks and kissed you like crazy, grinding himself into you, showing you just how you made him feel.
you found yourself undressed before you even knew it, flipped over onto your stomach while he prepped you with his fingers and tongue. you could feel the need radiating off of him, melting into his touch like heatwaves.
today, apparently, he was feeling nice enough to let you come from that. he barely gave you a moment to catch your breath before grabbing your hips and shoving himself into you, thrusting at a rough speed. thank god your face was buried in that pillow– sinful wasn't even the right word to use to describe the sounds you were making.
coriolanus loved to talk you through these moments, hear you agree and sob for him so easily, drunk off his cock. "takin' me so well.. god, you're good. you like being good for me?" you nodded with a whimper.
"yeah you do.. mmh–" his grip on your hips tightened, certainly enough to leave bruises. anytime you two got intimate, he'd always leave a mark on you. it was his signature.
he'd found your prostate by now and fuck, was he abusing the hell out of it. "gotta treat my boy right.. you deserve it."
and when you came for the second time, he didn't tease or edge. he gave it to you like you deserved, fucked you through it before coming himself. he cleaned you up and tucked you into bed with a kiss on your forehead. "go ahead and sleep. i'll cover for you."
#the ballad of songbirds and snakes#tbosas#tbosbas#thg#the hunger games#coriolanus snow#coryo snow#coriolanus snow x you#coriolanus snow x reader#coriolanus x reader#coriolanus x you#coriolanus smut#young president snow#male!reader
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Soft Rockstar Eddie and Popstar Steve
It's about rockstar Eddie and popstar Steve. Someone made a post about them going out like once and then Steve writing the song, Not Another Rock Star by maisie peters (It's catchy and doesn't quite fit Eddie's description but it doesn't matter shh shh shh) and my brain supplied me with soft rockstar Eddie being upset because popstar Steve wrote kind of a shitty song about him after one date and not giving him a chance. Like... Steve doesn't even KNOW him.
And they see each other again at some after party and Eddie just avoids him. He stares at Steve though, until Steve looks at him and then he looks away right before Steve looks. And then Eddie goes out for a smoke and Steve follows him to ask what the fuck is going on?? Like what's his problem?? And Eddie is leaning against the building in a shadow. And Steve is like,
"hey." suddenly feeling very self-conscious. And Eddie just looks at him slowly, takes a drag and blows smoke towards Steve. Doesn't say anything. And Steve's about to say something but Eddie cuts him off, says,
"some song." Cuz the song fucking blew up and everyone KNOWS it's about Eddie cuz there were pics of them on the date. And Steve's like,
"... thanks?" Sounds kinda dismissive. Cuz popstar Steve is still a little bit of an asshole. And Eddie fucking scoffs and takes a step forward, still in the shadows up to his waist.
"Yeah no problem. Glad I could inspire you." and his voice is dripping venom and he takes another drag, the end of the cigarette glowing red in the dark. And Steve crosses his arms all dismissive and he's like,
"Wait... are you mad? Is that why you've been glaring at me all night?" And he scoffs now. And Eddie scoffs right back and says,
"Mad? Why would I be mad? I love when people write out of context songs about me and all their little fucking brainwashed fans come swarming all over social media to come at me with shit they know nothing about. What's to be mad about?" He takes another drag and flicks his cigarette butt away. Takes another step forward, Steve can see his shoulders now. But not his face.
But he is feeling a little guilty. He didn't think. Just went home after the date and wrote it out and then bam. It was everywhere. Steve just stares at him. Not sure what to say. And Eddie is just like,
"nothin to say?" And steve says,
"what do you want me to say?" And Eddie laughs, and says,
"Ya know, I think you've said enough actually. Maybe you should just go home and write another song about someone you don't know." and he steps into the light and Steve swears his eyes are shining, they're a little too bright for how dark it is out here, takes a step forward. Eddie flinches back the smallest amount. Shoves his hands in his pockets and looks away. And then he says,
"look im gonna go. Alright? Just.... see ya around I guess." And he tries to walk by but Steve grabs his arm and says,
"Look I'm" but Eddie cuts him off, rounds on him and says,
"You're sorry? Are you?" And Eddie looks at Steve, gets in his space. And Steve just fucking shrugs. And Eddie laughs again, humorless. And yanks his arm away from Steve's grip and says,
"You're not sorry. You're just pissed that I called you out." and Steve's a little speechless, cuz that's true. But he's not used to being talked to like this, so he has no idea what to fucking say.
So Eddie just keeps talking. Cuz it's been like a month and that goddamn song has been everywhere and he's so goddamn tired of people and he can't even use any of his social media right now cuz Steve's crazy popstar fans are always in his shit and he just wanted to spend a nice night with Steve, he'd thought the date had gone okay... until the end. But then the song came out. So eddie just lets it all out.
He rants about how it was fucking rude. And goddamn irresponsible. And Steve jumps in and is like,
"Oh like you've never written a song about anyone before!?" And Eddie shoots back,
"I write about fucking dragons and quests and magic and shit man! What are you talking about?? And if i WAS gonna write about someone, that's not how I would do it! You don't just- I mean I wasn't- I thought we had fun? You could have just said you didn't wanna go out again! That you didn't like me! I would have understood!" And he's pacing now, and Steve just keeps shrinking in on himself cuz he's realizing he really hurt Eddie.
And Eddie just keeps talking and Steve catches things about "back at school" and "thought I was done with shit like this." And the worst one "i just wanted to make music" and then he's looking at Steve, his eyes shining and he's breathing heavy and Steve is also breathing a little heavy and he's like,
"what... what do you want me to do?" All quiet and unsure. And eddie just sighs, losing all his fire, and says,
"just.... next time you get the urge to write a song about me... don't. And I'll return the favor." and he turns to leave. He's almost too far away when Steve realizes what Eddie said. He catches him just before he gets to the door back inside, both of them in the shadows now and Steve breathes out,
"did you write a song about me?" And his heart is pounding as looks at Eddie. And Eddie won't meet his eyes.
Steve can't fucking breathe. It was one date. And it's dark but he swears Eddie is bright red. And he can't not ask again. So he does.
"Eddie. Did you write a song about me?" His hand is still on Eddie's arm. Eddie shakes his head. Once. And says,
"Not like yours. It's not- I didn't finish it. It doesn't matter." And he finally looks up at Steve, looks him right in the eyes and says,
"Just forget about it." his voice low and shakey. And then he's tugging the heavy door open. Steve's not sure if he hears him say "I'm sorry" or not. But he hopes so.
~°~
Eddie did write a song about him. Part of one. He was in the middle of writing his first ever ballad when Gareth came into the studio looking glum and was like,
"Dude. I think you should hear this." and he played him Steve's new song and Eddie just sort of, gave up. Threw his pen and notebook across the room. Almost smashed his writing guitar but Gareth grabbed him and stopped him. And Eddie definitely cried. And Gareth definitely held him while Eddie sobbed out,
"I thought he liked me. I'm so stupid." and needless to say, Gareth holds a grudge against Steve for a very long time. Even steps in front of Eddie when Steve tries to talk to him at the next place they see each other. Steve takes the hint and backs off.
He also tries to call Eddie. And message him on all sorts of apps. He gets no response. And his song is still going crazy. So he does something no artist has ever done. He goes on the radio, and asks them to stop playing his song. Asks his fans to stop streaming it. And takes it down from all the places he has control of it. The song drops down the charts in record time. And Steve finally stops hearing it everywhere. And then, about a week later, he gets a text from Eddie.
It's an audio file. Steve takes a deep breath, presses play, and hears the most beautiful fucking song he's ever heard. It's just Eddie and his guitar. Clearly not a finished product, just... raw, and open, and just for Steve. And it's beautiful and Steve's never heard him sing so softly. He listens to it four times, it makes him cry everytime. And then he picks up his phone and hits the little phone symbol next to Eddie's name. His heart beating wildly as he listens to it ring. And ring.
And then eddie answers.
#i know nothing about the music industry and have no idea if they can ask for their songs to not be played but#its fake here so it DOESN'T MATTER AHAHAHAHAHA#steddie#steddie blurb#blurb fic#steve harrington x eddie munson#steve x eddie#steddie fic#not fic#my writing#mine#my fic#soft rockstar eddie#popstar steve#Fates Endless Inkwell#fei
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First thoughts TTPD:
What a lana x folklore girlie win this issss!
1.Fortnight is about matty?? HAHAHAHA also why did this make me think of when holt was going running with the ladies when he was in witness protection??? Crying. Fav line has to be they were supposed to take me away but they forgot to come and get me. So sad but also so cool in relation to her cancellation/return. 10/10
2. TTPD- not so hahahaha anymore IS THIS ACTUALLY A FUCKING MATTY HEALY ALBUM??? There was a typewriter at the 1975 show she performed anti-hero at? Unless its somehow about harry? Who else is tattooed on her roster??? Or is this about herself? Kinda feel like modern idiots/who’s going to decode is directed at us lol😂 9/10?
3.My boy only breaks his favourite toys- went in expecting mad woman rage. Pleasantly surprised. king of my heart to queen of sandcastles he destroys….DESTROYED ME. Are you fucking kidding me rn? Im caling it. Best song. Im crying at 7.30 am this is not funny anymore. Also THANK YOU FOR NOT SLANDERING DAD. I knew you wouldnt let us down like that. Also the chorus sounds like long story short😭 oh this is so sad. Once i fix me hes going to miss me? He was my best friend?😭 he runs because he loves me? Stopp😭😭 1000000/10
4.Down bad- ….aaaand we’re back to MATTY AGAIN? He does not deserve this spotlight but why are all the song so goood😭😭😭 is this why artists love to date problematic men? It unlocks some extraordinary potential? Crazy crazy girl😭 also stay down (bad) 🤌🏾 shes done it again 10/10 also for personal reasons i will be believing this is about joe in that Tom/Joe/met gala overlap period when she was photographed going to the gym a lot and that this is about all that yearning please let it be about that plesplesplesplesplesples also down bad waking up in blood staring at the sky…like i lost a twin is giving bigger than the whole sky🥺
5. So long, london- so so long long, lon-don DONE? ok miss girl😭 the hoax parallels😭 dont be undoing the song i was going to play at my weddddding what is wrong with you😭 my only one my smoking gun to two graves one gun youll find someone??? Also reminds me of la la land :/ how much sad did you think I had in me? You wrote hoax so a lot ok leave us alone. crying again. 10000000000000000/10 oh lol its a track 5 ofc it is😂
6. But daddy I love him- she really said if you ever liked, shared or even LOOKED at the ‘vivaa las vegas’ memes you cant come to the wedding and shes so real for it. Lfgggg. Ubothered unhinged uhmazing. Growing up precocious sometimes means you still hold on to that princess/quarterback wattpad fantasy AS IS YOUR RIGHT QUEEN GO THE FUCK OFF🥳 100000/10 calling out toxic fandom for the first time and we love to see it🫡 this is suchhhh a happy songggg you deserve ALL the chaos and revelry.
7. Fresh out the slammer- god she gets it. Like sure he was great and he is still my biological father and everything but as a decidedly melancholy person myself who has constantly had atleast one close friend in a deep depression I can see how all that heavy lifting can just get heavy at some point especially when youre a partner and their sole lighthouse in wtv storms be out there buffeting their mental health. Its not for everyone and thats so fair and so valid but so sad as well. 10/10 for the honesty.
8. Florida- she really said girlrot summer🫡 this is the lanaest song ever. So lucky one/nothing new coded. This will be the First song I repeat and then so long london. Aaaghhh how i love a self aware melancholic anxious little superstar. 90283749292/10 thank you for giving florence an entire verse whew. Little did you know your home’s really only a town you’re just a guest in is soooo going on my body forever
9. Guilty as sin?- honestly just fuck if it means we dont have to hear about how desirable ratty healy is man ffs. IThe only reason he looks so hot is bc hes forbidden. You have to trust me on this. He’s sooo mid JESUS. U cant be writing hozier lyrics about a man that hasn’t met a shower😭 1000000/10 writing. -16392992/10 content. Unrequited love/lust truly is the greatest weapon in a poets arsenal bc where is this energy in the joe songs binch?😭 this is such a teen in love with a 26 yo creep who called me so mature for my age mom you just dont get ittt anthem😂😂
10. Who’s afraid of little old me?- is a warning 😂 im so here for it. Like yes I still hate matty with all my heart and soul but yes I agree fans should not be allowed so much of an opinion on another persons life and yes I should be afraid (I am). She said aight love letter era over I AM WRITING YOU ALL HATE MAIL AND I’M HAND DELIVERING IT. Shes sooo done pretending to be the relatable girl next door when she’s anything but and is now reminding us of it and yes yes yessss girl OWN ITTTTTTTT. I’ve been saying for agesssss that there is a darkness under all that sunshine from where she clawed her way to the top and this is sooo vindicating. 10000000000000/10 favourite song ever. Mad woman wishes she was who’s afraid of little old me. I am unwell. I am in love. This is the Taylor Swift i stan. The marketing genius the calculating business woman the puppet master with narcotics in her songs thats why we sing along🫡 she so can handle a dangerous man
11. I can fix him (no really I can)- you cant.
12. loml- ofc. OFC. Its the saddest song of all time. OFC. Fuck offf ughhhh. 😭😭😭😭😭 its giving happiness. Its giving divorce. i am a child of a broken home now and my parents still love each other and hold so much regret still. What do i do with thissss? Im just a little girl taylorrr! 1002380292011010101/10 soo so gooood.
13. I can do it with a broken heart- first of all track 13. Love it. Second of all the upbeat barbieness of it all. Third of all I FINALLY PLACED IT. Shes in her unrelatable era. She is not your girl next door. You will never understand her life. She is as much a phenomenon as a person and we literally only see as much as she allows us to and honestly if i have to get put in my place theres noooo better way to have it done. Im having such a great time actually. 10 BILLION TRILLION OUT OF 10 you tellll em girl you FUCKING TELL EM.
14. Smallest man who ever lived- not going to speculate on who it is bc they clearly had a serious problem and its not a joke but damn :/ thats so sad :/ hope they get help? Didnt expect this to be what the song was about at all?
15. The alchemy- she said TRAVIS IS MY BOY WITH HER WHOLE CHEST😌 10/10
16. Clara bow- did she just name drop herself ? I was so right about unrelatable era. Also the Subtle nod to olivia/sabrina noted and appreciated. Lucky one/castles crumbling (mature version) fr fr. Solid legacy song.
17. The black dog- shared your secrets with and location is the same whiplash as a red rose grew up out of ice frozen ground with no one around to tweet it🤌🏾 joe songs hit so so different 😭😭😭 1000000000/10
18. imgonnagetyouback- the valiant roar was not so valiant and more of a mew i guess. 7/10
19. The albatross- oh this is the ONE. The album defining song for sureeee. Mad woman on coke. A rose by any other name is a scandal???? Thats my religion right there. Little last great American dynasty twist there at the end! Fuck yea. She does reallly try to warn the men in her life have to give her that. One gazillion/10
20. Clearly god has favourites and they are the ppl called chloe or sam or sophia or marcus😭 ALSO this song is about joe for sure. The internet starlet hasss to be delaney rowe!!!! It HAS TO BE. 10/10
21. How did it end?- shes back for the fans😂 plot twist the breakup is with yall🤌🏾 but yesss say it louder! One gasp and then how did it end. So good. 100/10
22. So high school- lmao aristotle grand theft auto ONLYY taylor swift man😭😂 you know what you want and boy you got her🫡🫡 11/10
23. I hate it here- mother’s having a mental breakdown kids yk the drill🤌🏾 10/10
24. ThanK you aIMiee- what better way to say fuck you to a hater than to thank her for jumpstarting your legacy my god!!! She is insane for this. The capitalisation is a bit petty tho ngl. 8/10
25. I look in peoples windows- once again I thank you for the kindness and respect shown to joe. Never doubted you but thank you nevertheless. 10/10 short as nice to have a friend but it didnt need to be longer.
26. The prophecy- its so sad and humbling to see even a woman at where she is having to beg for love bc that literally is the nature of love. Something humiliating, to have to beg for 🤷♀️ cards playing out like fools in a fable cursed like eve got bitten. No one writes like her damn. 10/10
27. Cassandra- very madeline miller on this one. Love love loveee modern takes on tragic greek women. 100/10
28. Peter- ah fuck. This one is going to hurt (it did). 1000000/10 my ribs get the feeling she did😭 all her joe related aches are so bone deeeep ugh. Promises oceans deep but never to keep😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 oh god it hurtsss it hurts it hurtss
29. The bolter- curious child ever reviled except by her father wow.
30. Robin- OMG! I needed this song growing up sooo bad. That way to go tiger felt so so warm like running into a kitchen after a day of being in the mud and u tell ur mum the silly things u did and shes genuinely interested and impressed by your smol victories. A bajillion/10
31. The manuscript- postmortem of every ex ever🤌🏾 love it.
#taylor swift#anatrik#ttpd#fortnight#clara bow#but daddy i love him#the smallest man who ever lived#loml#my boy only breaks his favourite toys#down bad#so long london#fresh out the slammer#florida#guilty as sin?#who’s afraid of little old me#the alchemy#i can do it with a broken heart#first thoughts#the tortured poets department#my writing#the black dog#the albatross#chloe or sam or sophia or marcus#how did it end?#i hate it here#thanK you aIMee#i look in people's windows#peter#cassandra#robin
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Hi! My name is gemma, im 22 (mdi)
◇300lbs sw active in 2024◇
My account has gotten deleted so many times and it makes me so sad. Backup @riotgrrrlgemma
Sw: 305
Cw:??? Idk I don't have a scale
Gw:240
Gw2:222
Gw3:199
Gw4: 175
150 is the goal ♡
Or less
Read for stupid rambles, update frequently
If you scolled this far thx!
I'm gonna put some stuff here about me, like my favorite music and sh!t like that
I'm 22, a Gemini. Although I don't believe in astrology, I do think a little of it is true. Like,, my moon and rising are so accurate.
Scorpio moon, sag rising
Anyways, I'm a size 22, isn't that crazy?
I remember when I was size 18 and actually to into actually how my teen body changed from size 12 to 18. This was the lowest in my life, I basically just shoved down the way I felt with food. My parent kicked me out because I told them I was as by their partner.
Long story short they don't believe me and never will... so I kept shoving how I felt with food
Now I live alone, I'm happier
Or. Am I. Because like I don't feel anything but guilt and anxiety. I try not shove my face with food but unfortunately I'm not better than I was before.
I'm still so fucking massive and I've been doing this since November. I fucking hate my self.
Sorry to like trauma dumping
Anyway, I always found my outlit to be creativity. I love knitting, painting, crafting, and making diy clothes. Music is another thing I'm trying to dabble in, I love all music and all genres. How can anyone make a horrible song? At least, that's what I think. So much goes into it. It's just such a beautiful thing. Even in the songs that others find bad or corny, I love.
I love smoking w33d and gaming.
I know that sounds corny asf, but honestly, I could spend all day being a gremlin and not binge. I used to play Cold War so much, and because I have anxiety, I would clench my jaw. The way that felt was enough to make me not want to eat.
I want to start going out, but every time I do I feel so ugly and gross. I start to feel guilty just being there. I guess I'm guilty other people have to see me? I don't know. Anyways sorry for dumping this here. But yeah I might just dump my rambling I have in my head.
April 5
Sometimes I think God isn't real then I pray for strength in order to fast and it works.
April 12
I went out a few days ago. No one worried about how ugly I was because I did my makeup. I am starting a 44h fast. I love the number 4 soooo much. Anyways, I'm almost out of weed and cigs, which is very annoying... just like how my partner wanted to sit down with me and have dinner before he went to work. I tried to just serve him, but he was like almost lecturing me, and I ate. It's okay. Like I said, I'm starting a 44h fast now. I just hope this isn't a problem in the future. Update at 2 pm so my partner made me make breakfast, I'm not upset. I just had eggs, but I was able to make him some eggs and sausage. He went to go pick up his check, and he got me cigs and weed. But he came back with a pizza and was like "oh this is for dinner and maybe tomorrow's breakfast" so glad to have this man in my life but why pizza !
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Trans Spider au ftm
Where he could get bottom and top surgery with the scientific he grow up with, because you know, they been here for almost 20 years they don't have the instruments to create the new body Spider wanted to see in himself.
He still came out and everyone use male pronouns for him (even the people who call him demon)
Then the RDA kidnapped him, after a whole week of being misgender he revile to Quaritch that he is trans.
Now this is 2169-70 so i think(more hope) that at leats no one is homophobic or transphobic.
So the next time Quaritch speaks with Ardomedra he revels to her the news, so she decides if they can't torture him into saying where the sullies are then she can win him over to know it.
Means Spider is under a surgery table (he doesn't know anything) in maybe two months after the two devils discussion.
Spider when he wakes up, is like going crazy because both his breast and possy dissapered.
Spider obviously doesn't tell anything but he accepts to make the recoms learn the ways; like the language or the ikrans bonding.
When Spider and the sullies see eachother again, the sullies are like "wtf happen?"
The first who sees him are Neteyam and Lo'ak:
Spider: "Boys? GUYS! Ohh im so happy to see you"
Lo'ak: "wtf who are you" *pointing gun at him*
Neteyam: there is no fucking way *lowers Lo'ak gun with his hand* no way
Kiri and Tuk:
Kiri: "oh Eywa great, is you?! Is really you?! You look amazing, and- and- oh my..."
Tuk: "where your tits go?"
Jake and Neytiri:
"Ah"
For the longest of time (a month)
Jake and Neytiri are snappy at him or don't want to talk to him, because they belive he telled the RDA everything.
So after some really bad day by both sides, Spider snaps and tell them everything.
And now Jake and Neytiri feels guilty.
Interesting idea! There are a lot of layers there. I do think there is something to be said about a nonconsensual medical procedure. I am not trans myself, and I do not claim to be an expert, but from what I understand all trans people are different and want different things. Some want top and/or bottom surgery and some don't. At the end of the day not only did Quaritch out Spider, it seems they also did not give him a choice.
I do really like the idea of them giving Spider something he wants as an incentive to get him to turn on the Omaticaya, though. Which Spider would never do, obviously, but that Jake and Neytiri then might think he cooperated and was rewarded. It's basically the same concept as the one where he is given an avatar!
#idk if my thoughts are clear but that's what i ended up thinking#miles spider socorro#spider socorro#miles quaritch#frances ardmore#neteyam sully#lo'ak sully#kiri sully#tuktirey sully#jake sully#neytiri sully#avatar#avatar the way of water#james cameron avatar#melissa's asks#melissa on avatar (cameron)
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hi! i haven’t seen mickeyless seasons so i wanted to ask if ian ever has issues about being bipolar like he did with mickey? like him breaking up in s5 for not wanting to see mickey hurt and s10 when he asks if he’s crazy for wanting to be with him! i think i read somewhere that caleb? maybe had a talk about self love or whatever to ian but that dude was horrendous ( not that trevor was best for what ive seen ) so im not sure that counts ahah
hi anon!
yes, ian grappling with his disorder is a very very big theme throughout seasons 6, 7, 8, and 9. in fact i would argue that aside from him becoming an EMT, the bipolar storyline is his most significant one (i typed out my response and it got very long so i'm going to put it below the cut 💛)
in s6 he is fresh off of the diagnosis, the breakup, and coping with mickey going to prison (and he was definitely trying to cope, he still loved him and seeing someone you love locked up is immeasurably hard. i feel like we don't talk about this enough). he feels very aimless and it isn't until an incident (he's a bystander to a car crash and rescues a woman from a burning vehicle) that he finds his new path (becoming an EMT, which he does by the end of s6). caleb was absolutely awful in so many ways but the one good thing he did do was encourage and support ian in finding a new life path, which is the only credit i will give him. there's also a deleted scene in s6 that is so, so important re: understanding how mentally ill people are viewed and treated in society and of course ian's monologue about how he's good at his job because of his illness, which is one of my favorite scenes in the entire show.
in s7, he's getting healthy again and taking his meds, but it isn't without struggle. there's a very poignant and important scene (part one, part two) with lip where he expresses his struggles with his disorder and how hard it is for him to cope with taking his meds and listening to the warning signs for episodes (he was behaving in ways akin to a hypomanic episode/showing signs of slipping into an episode just before the conversation happens). by the end of the season, after he leaves mickey at the border, he's still relatively stable, but the emotional triggers of leaving mickey behind + monica's death start to take a toll on him, which we see in s8. there's also the trevor of it all in s7, but that's a whole other issue. trevor did not have a positive impact on ian's self-esteem whatsoever and even went so far as to demand ian forgive monica and "move on" after knowing 0.1% of the history between the two of them. that scene in particular makes me unfathomably angry and i just know it was deeply, deeply triggering for ian to hear that from someone he cared about.
in s8, we have the gay jesus storyline, which i absolutely detest and hate to discuss, but it's part of his story and it needs to be acknowledged. he's taken advantage of a lot this season, propelled towards some sort of fucked up end goal with very little control over his circumstances, and it quickly spirals out of control. while the writers never explicitly state that ian is hypo/manic during this season, you can watch the progression happen if you pay close enough attention. despite not being given a lot to work with, cameron did a great job at playing the nuances of bipolar disorder this season, showing ian's descent into hypo/mania as the gay jesus movement grows and warps.
in s9, he's in prison for the first time and is noticeably manic. after being released, he starts seeking out meaning and purpose in religion. eventually he's forced to face the consequences of his actions and pleads not guilty to arson by reason of insanity, not only defying the wishes of the gay jesus followers (they feared him going public with his diagnosis and pleading insanity would delegitimize the movement) but also finally choosing to really acknowledge his disorder, reckon with it, and make peace with it, in a strange sort of way. it's a very important and pivotal moment for his character and cameron absolutely delivers during his plea monologue.
if you've see s10 you know how his self-worth takes a hit regarding the marriage storyline, and how he's so terrified of marrying mickey because 1) he doesn't know if he's capable of being a good partner because he doesn't feel like he had good examples of healthy marriage standards growing up and 2) he isn't sure mickey knows what he's signing up for re: his disorder and everything it entails. which, of course, is not the case, because mickey doesn't love him in spite of his disorder, he loves him completely, and his disorder is just a part of that. he wants all of him, always, and that's a huge plot point in s10 and s11 ("i gotta worry, you're my husband" scene my absolute beloved).
anyway. the short answer is that yes, ian spends a lot of time grappling with his disorder and the realities of life as a bipolar human. he deals with issues regarding his self-worth, his purpose, and his relationships. speaking as a bipolar individual, i can say with absolute certainty that coming to terms with your diagnosis is a long, arduous process that takes many years and a lot of commitment to achieve. it's not easy, and though the writers dropped the ball on a LOT of storylines in the show, they did a pretty damn good job of showing how hard it is to cope and live with the realities of bipolar disorder and everything that entails.
if you ever want to see more of his journey, gallavichscenes on youtube has playlists of all of ian's scenes in season 6, season 7, season 8, and season 9. i highly recommend watching the show in its entirety but if you don't want to do that, i recommend at the very least watching the rest of ian's storyline. it colors so much of his story and mickey's and it's hard to fully comprehend the extent of their relationship without understanding that storyline. i hope this answered your question! sending tons and tons of love 💛
#i hope this provided some clarity on his mindset and storyline!#if you have any other questions feel free to drop in any time 💛#macy babbles#anons
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here’s my full review of the tortured poets department: the anthology by taylor swift. i’m just going to start off by saying this is a grown ass woman and a billionaire and if you believe her music is above reproach just because she embodies girlhood or you liked the album or whatever just keep it trucking because i get to say whatever i want here.
first here’s the songs i like:
the black dog (what girl hasn’t checked a location, i ask you?!?)
chloe or sam or sophia or marcus (it could be traffic sounds and my name being in the title will still make me like it)
the alchemy
clara bow (this one makes me go 🎀🧚🏻♀️💕)
thank you aimee (grandchild of mean)
the albatross
peter (really mostly just the ending)
the bolter
the manuscript
the smallest man who ever lived (i will never hate a song that is about how matty healy sucks)
i can do it with a broken heart (corny but i have already seen edits with it and the right edit could make me like any song plus certain parts remind me of yoyok)
guilty as sin?
my boy only breaks his favorite toys (specifically for the line “im queen of sandcastles he destroys” which i like)
but daddy love him (she’s real for saying cut the fucking whining)
fortnight (post malone’s positive affect on my enjoyment cannot be overstated)
now for my opinions:
many of the songs aren’t BAD just completely unmemorable like i remember nary a lyric or tune of cassandra or the prophecy or robin etc etc
jack antonoff should be strung up! the only good things he’s done are 1. melodrama by lorde, and 2. inspiring margaret by lana del rey (plus the occasional good taylor song like getaway car and sweet nothings but whatever) honestly the two have outgrown each other and their music apart is way more interesting than anything they do together. aaron dessner is a hero.
i have no technical issues with florida!!! but as someone who has spent quite a bit of time in florida it feels like someone romanticizing newark, new jersey and that feeling stretches so deep that not even florence + the machine could make me enjoy what is otherwise a really fun song
there must be something about british men bc people dating british guys write so american by olivia rodrigo and paper rings and people who have broken up with british guys write so long, london
who’s afraid of little old me feels like the perfect example of every criticism taylor gets. she is the most powerful voice in hollywood, is extraordinarily litigious, and has won in every way that matters but still she acts like every criticism of her is an attack on girlhood and feminism. like she is a grown woman writing “i’m just a girl” music about how not being universally adored is such a huge tragedy and it just feels so corny
i look in peoples windows and down bad are both songs i’m sure i’ll love two months from now
the line about 1830 without the racists is CRAZY. even without the racists that was not a good time!
overall a very weak album. it’s like she’s stuck in some sort of perma-youth where she is unable to mature beyond “all of my exes are either the devil or taylor lautner” and it shows how very insular her adulthood has been. she’s been famous her entire adult life and her music sounds like the kind of lyric a teenager writes in their notes app. like i don’t hate the music but it’s all just so extraordinarily mid. every song on this album could be on any other album of any other pop girlie and i wouldn’t blink. taylor is supposed to be one of the strongest lyricists of our time and we’re getting lyrics like “touch me while your bros play grand theft auto”
#taylor swift#the tortured poets department#the anthology#like i’m sorry taylor it’s a flop!#tayvis#i really wanted to like it#idk not super obsessed with it the way i thought id be#tbh i think she’s chasing the high of folklore here and it’s not working#folklore saved her career really#she was one flop from a vegas residency#and now every album is the most honest and vulnerable album ever!#and it’s all the same synth pop over lyrics that are like#you spit on my bones and left me there in the graveyard#all the while two songs later it’s like#now i DID cheat on you but im taylor swift so you should have expected it
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i’d love to hear about your fuga sailing stuff \o/
HII ^_^ awesome. ok. so atm i have one silly racing au that i rotate in my head and one fic in the works which takes place directly after fuga when guaxinim, pac, and mike leave the island together on the boat. this one is heavy on the hurt and lighter on the comfort and is essentially just pac on one massive spiral now that he's starting to process everything that happened in prison and the island. lots of pac feeling guilty about cell's perceived suicide and struggling with his anger at mike for getting them into this mess. he's very much an emotional wreck LOL. hes been through so fucking much man. also going from being enclosed in a prison for a year and a half and then being out on open water and the crazy anxiety of being in such an open space is. well. its really getting to him. i'll leave some snippets of it under the cut 💪💪💪
the racing au is really just silly⛵💪💪🔥🔥🔥the nature of the sailing autism being that i always need to take some guys and throw them on a racing team, all of their insanities included.
when i talked about this au before i said that they sailed j22s but im upgrading them. they now sail Melges 20s. its official. ill put images under the cut. god. gorgeous boats.
the general idea is that JV and cell are two sailors looking for new members for their respective crews. felps is already on cell's crew and guaxinim sails with JV. probably at some point jv was on cell and felp's crew and now they have some kind of crazy beef. anyways. cell is just as weird and gross and intense as he is in fuga and he really wants pac and mike on his crew and having nothing to do with JV. obviously mike is skeeved out by the weird gross guy who looks maybe a bit too hungry sometimes and tries to get pac to join JV's crew with him. unfortunately pac is way too enamored with cell's negative rizz and cell proposes the idea to pac that tazercraft splits ways and mike can join JV's crew on his own. Mike is understandably upset at this but still ends up joining JV and guaxi's crew. the two boats have insane tension and pac is torn between pretending none of this happened at all and ignoring mike/sending worlds saddest eyes back to mike. mike is hurt and pissed off at pac and cell and felps and does his best to pretend that they dont exist at all while also needing to beat them in every regatta ever or he'll DIE because maybe if he wins against them enough times it'll prove something to pac. what will it prove? i dont think even he knows lol.
cell is actively trying to drive a wedge in between pac and mike and JV is doing the same thing on the other side. felps is purposely looking the other way during all of this and guaxinim is watching it all go down with some sick sense of fascination. definitely just hanging around to watch it happen like a long drawn out car crash.
cell in this au is especially fascinating to me. squeezing him like a stressball. he's ten ways fucked in the head and the reason why he started sailing in the first place is because his therapist told him to get a hobby and it was downhill from there. anyways cell tells his therapist about pac and the next time cell sees pac he walks up to him and says "my therapist says that we need to get coffee together and have normal interactions so i stop thinking about eating you" and pac just goes. oh! and its the hottest thing anyones ever said to him
obsessed with them, frankly
^^ sexual images fr
#ty for the ask :333 it was fun to get to talk abt them ^_^ !!!#wsdanon#courtesy of ro#suicide mention#<< pac recounting the end of fuga#our answers#saii.answers#saii.writing
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Rem, I need a friend. I was recently diagnosed with BPD. I mention it because I think this issue has to with my condition, and I don't know if I'm wrong but I read a post from you once where you said you had BPD and ADHD –correct me if I'm wrong– and I thought maybe you can understand me.
Anyways, my issue is, I struggle deciding what I want. Recently I had a situation with a guy, he has ADHD and him being forgetful, triggered me and had me begging for his attention. He was very kind and never reacted badly, but then he ghosted me, which triggered me again. My mind keeps telling me maybe it was his ADHD and maybe he now just feels guilty and feels like it's too late to answer (it's been weeks). I planned on texting him again but I don't want to fall into this dynamic.
I was thinking, "if I want to date him I should just go to the end and focus on that". Then I was like "Do I really want to date him?" Then I had another thought of "Maybe I should move on" and then "Wait, I actually do want to date him" and then "No, I just want validation" and then "Nope, I don't give a damn about validation he ain't even that good" and then "I do like him, maybe we should date" and then "I don't even want to have a conversation with him" and then "I want to know more about him" the point is, I always start a process of manifesting something and then the next day (sometimes not even a day) I want something else, and it's a mess because I end up manifesting NOTHING, only more frustration.
Tbh, if I wasn't triggered, I would 100% like to date him. I mean I met him 6yrs ago and liked him for months (we never talked but we were classmates in uni and he was super hot), then never saw him again until this year and when I saw him I was so happy and excited, and the crush I had on him resurfaced and it felt like a new chance to try. Until now that I am feeling so confused, and when it seems like I made up my mind, I then remember why I'm triggered and slip out again, and when I have "given up", I want him again, and it's exhausting.
omggg yes, i do have bpd and adhd and this was so crazy to read cuz it was like i was talking to my younger self! i went thru the EXACT same situation with my old sp. i manifested him back after he broke up with me (and before he broke up with me he'd forget to text me back all the time bc of his adhd) and it would trigger me so bad and i'd start doing the most outrageous things. and then when i was manifesting him back, i'd also constantly go from "fuck him im better than him" to "i want him so bad i need him" to "he's just gonna ignore me again i hate him" and then "no he's the love of my life" to "if he texts me im not even gonna respond bc he doesn't deserve me." and i was in a cycle of that for MONTHS. but like you said, i knew that if he had never rejected me in the first place (and therefore triggered me) i wouldn't have felt like that and i'd still want him and see him only in a positive light.
i think that what really helped me was just going straight to the end, like you said. whenever i'd start overthinking about whether or not i actually wanted him, i'd take some deep breaths and just go to my imagination and experience a reality where my sp never ignored me and he treated me how i wanted to be treated. i also reminded myself of how long i had wanted to be with him, and that when all was said and done, even if i had made up my mind that day that i didn't want to be with him anymore, the next day i would be upset about not being with him again. i wouldn't have been stuck in the cycle for so long if i didn't actually want to be with him. i was just feeling hurt and lashing out.
i also found comfort in knowing that i could create a new version of my sp where he was attentive and gave me the amount of attention i needed and wanted. i didn't want to manifest his adhd away or anything, but i wanted to create a version of him that was able to remember to reply to me lol. i knew that as long as i imagined my sp to be the version that i wanted, he wouldn't show up in my 3d as the old version anymore. the only way he could ignore me or ghost me again was if i imagined that he would. if i focused on the version of him that didn't, however, he never would! so whenever i felt worried or anxious that he'd do that again, i'd retreat to my imagination and experience the version of him that i wanted.
another thing that really helped me was to forgive him. i was always angry at him and imagining getting into arguments with him about our break up and imagining what i'd say to him when i manifested contact. but the thing about that was i was manifesting "the end", and the end was us already being in a relationship together. so if we were already in a relationship together, we would have already talked through our past issues and i already would've forgiven him. so i couldn't manifest us being happy together and forgiving him if i was constantly imagining scenarios where i hadn't already forgiven him. if that makes sense?
these thoughts still naturally popped up all the time. "what if he doesn't change" "what if he does it again" etc. and then when we were back in contact again, "what if i say something wrong and he stops replying" etc. but i just kept persisting, and every time my minded wanted to go back to scenarios like that, i'd shift back to my desired state and tell myself that we were already together and there was no reason to worry about stuff like that anymore.
anyway i hope this helped!! if u have more questions feel free to ask <3
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