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yandere-kokeshi · 1 year

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Hi, I would like to order with Yandere Shinobu, Tomioka, Muichiro and Kyojuro with a sweetheart who doesn't already have a balanced meal. Like she only eats sweets like cakes, ice cream, chocolates instead of eat properly. An L-type reader of Death Note, except that she is somewhat intelligent and sleep-disordered. Hey I would like to know how they would react to this situation.

Warnings: yandere behavior and slight spoilers for Muichiro's part.

A/N: Hope you enjoy :]!

Shinobu Kocho:

A smile that slowly dissipates when you tell her. What on god’s earth did you just say?

“Dear, that’s not very healthy, now is it? We need you to eat properly. Let’s go order noodles, hm?”

She gets very concerned. As much as she knows sweets are very addictive and quite nice, Shinobu hates seeing you not get all your nutrition and take care of yourself. That being said, she will force you to eat.

If you throw a fit or roll your eyes, she will keep her smile but threaten to dose you with some type of medication that will make you listen to her. She will treat you like a child, babbling about how sweets are bad for your health and how you shouldn’t eat a bunch.

When arriving, she allows you to get everything you want; except for treats of any kind. She expects you to at least finish the whole meal, if not half of it. Afterward, she will pat your head and congratulate you; maybe offering to get you a soft drink.

While she does worry, she will allow you to eat small portions of sweets. Only if you agree to eat the healthy food she gives you!

From now on, she’s expecting you to eat properly. If she catches you eating some when you’re not supposed to, she will get very upset and discipline you.

However, when she finds out you don’t have a proper sleep schedule, she gets very upset; slightly more than the food issue. Immediately, she diagnoses you with insomnia and gets you sleeping meds. She may or may not force you to take naps in the butterfly Estate during the longer days, making sure to drape her Haori over you.

Muichiro Tokito:

His eyes darken, quite upset at the fact you don’t take care of himself. At best, he gets extremely serious and almost yells at you.

“You need to eat. I like candies too but I don’t sabotage my health. C’mon, we’re gonna eat and order lots of it.”

While he pulls you along, he orders you what you like and sits in front of you, slurping noodles while waiting for you to eat. He talks to you, trying to distract you from your ‘cravings’ and offers some of his food.

If you throw a fit or simply refuse, he will result in guilt-tripping; making you feel bad. He will talk about his family, how his parents and brother were brutally killed; his almost dying from not eating well. How you are not eating properly hurts him, and he doesn’t want you to die or get hurt.

He may even talk about how if you don’t eat, he will force Shinbou to feed you through a feeding tube; he has a serious look too when speaking about it.

However, the minute Muichiro finds out you don’t get enough sleep, he’s a bit aloof. Ultimately, he will offer for you to lay on his lap as he plays with your hair. Maybe offering you food before poking your cheeks.

Although, in the future, he will make sure to check up on you more frequently; dragging you along towards his favorite sun spot as he makes you lay on his lap, watching the clouds and birds above.

Kyojuro Rengoku:

Also loves sweets but is very concerned! His smile stays on his face but his eyes tell a different story.

“Ha! Sweets are amazing! But you should eat fried fish instead of cake! Let’s go eat!”

Rengoku will practically eat anything, so the minute the two of you arrive at the restaurant, he’s chowing down on everything and encouraging you to eat. Specifically loudly at you.

Much like the others, if you decide to refuse, he will react negatively.

He will take the forcible lane (even though he doesn’t want to!) and pressure you into eating, practically bringing his chopsticks up to your lips until you eat it. Then he does it again. And again. And again till you say you’re full.

However, the minute you say you don’t usually get a good night’s sleep is when he spits out tea; frankly looking at you like you just called an animal ugly.

From then on, he makes scheduled nap times during the day so the two of you can rest! He’s your heater so you would be pretty warm. Plus, if naps don’t work, he can result in doing training sessions, small runs across the courtyard or simply letting him talk your ear off.

Giyuu Tomioka:

Doesn’t understand how you can like sweets. He’s not a fan of them, but he’s quite worried about your physical health. Like how are you alive?

“Love, that’s not very healthy. How much do you eat? We’re gonna go to the Yatai down the street and order as much as you want. Okay?”

Once arriving, he makes sure you get a big portion of food; a bunch of side dishes as well as some hot tea.

Just like Rengoku, if you decide not to eat and beg for more sweets, he will pressure you into eating. Pressuring you to open your mouth, needing you to eat the fried shrimp he’s giving you. He will even share his portion of food if it makes you eat.

Although, you make his heart shatter even more when he finds out how sleep-disordering you are! Just how much sleep do you normally get?

Giyuu will immediately offer to sleep on him, or rather take short naps during the day; not only will it help you but it’ll make him feel comfortable being around you more.

While he’s not the warmest, he will keep his haori over you and make sure no one disturbs the two of you; plus, he made sure to pack you some lunch so you can eat afterward. And yes, he did pack a small candy bar as a reward after you eat the food.

—

Masterlist || Please consider reblogging and commenting instead of liking, stay well!!

Do not plagiarize, repost, modify, translate or copy my work.

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toxic-mothers-tourney · 11 months

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Round 1: Match 6

Cersei Lannister (ASOIAF/GOT) vs. Caroline Collingwood (Succession)

Cersei Lannister

CW: child death, sibling incest - Her actions killed her ENTIRE family and then some through her enabling her son. She never took responsibility for it either. - She had sex w her brother next to her sons corpse - she dotes on her eldest son (the prince/king) and enables his vicious cruelty towards others. she is heavily critical of her younger son (an 8-year old) and constantly reprimands him for not obeying her every order and not acting as perfectly as she demands. she disrespects and demeans him constantly, and threatens people he cares about. she plots to have everyone around her murdered because she's so paranoid about her kids getting killed; she is protective of them but she's also unhinged and miserable to be around and she sucks the joy out of every room she walks into

Caroline Collingwood

CW: disordered eating - "Some people aren't meant to be mothers... I should have had dogs." said to her daughter, after congratulating her on not having kids - her oldest son tried to have an emotional talk with her and she pretended to be too tired and told him they'd talk in the morning then left before he woke up so he'd have to go back to america without being able to talk to her. used her emotionally fragile youngest son as a pawn to get her other children to come see her so her husband could pitch them a business idea (less than a week after their dad died btw). participated in or at least turned a blind eye to a "summer of competitive eating disorders" between her kids (though her behavior through the show makes it likely she encouraged it). betrayed her kids and helped their abusive father for financial gain. she's insane and does not like her kids even a little bit and almost never bothers to even pretend she does. she's also very funny

mod notes: these two women are so disgustingly rich. they're both very funny tho

#cersei lannister #asoiaf #got #caroline collingwood #succession #round 1 #toxic mothers tourney

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specters · 11 days

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really am convinced some people want those who struggle with eating disorders to remove themselves from public spaces, never to be seen or heard from until they reach some sort of Ultimate Recovery. if you aren't in recovery or Recovered™ then you should be banned from online spaces. it's such a weird fucking dichotomy too because you definitely are congratulated for losing weight, despite said weight loss coming from the most unhealthiest of places (granted those same ppl still make fun of eds because they hate the mentally ill & disabled), but people who "understand eating disorders" and "care about those struggling" also tear you down for being disordered in public. even if you aren't encouraging anything, if you aren't actively in recovery or if you talk about it too much then you are a walking trigger and you should just lock yourself away until you die. you never win!

#like the absolute animosity i've seen noticeably anorexic ppl (mostly women) face on & offline when #they are just insurmountably fucking ill is inconceivable.#liek some of you are straight up advocating for ppl with eds to be banned from the internet for just talking abt it as its currently happen #*happening like its insane.#and then ur like 'their bodies are triggering' as if thats a normal thing to say like go fuck yourselves for real #not to be angry but like being in the thick of it is making me pissed off at a lot of people #eating disorders #i dont and wont talk abt it in detail here but i will make pissy posts abt it

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shockinglysubmissive · 1 year

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Tw: mentions of eating disorder, being gaslit by doctors

Alright I'm so fucking sick of being gaslit by doctors. "you don't have anorexia, you're overweight." Cool so we are gonna wait until I seriously injure myself by starving myself? This has been going on for fucking months. I just admitted to you that I feel guilty eating 1000 calories a day, and that if I do, I punish myself by not letting myself eat more than 200 calories the next day. But it's fine. Totally normal to restrict eating to a cup of yogurt and maybe a handful of blueberries a day for a week just because one day I ate 1,100 calories. Because I'm fat I shouldn't eat at all according to them. All they told me was to eat more protein because I won't feel hungry as fast. Like I get the media portrays only one type of anorexia, but atypical anorexia exists and is serious too. You're the fucking doctor. You should know that anorexia is not just underweight teens. It can be overweight people forcing themselves to starve to lose an extra 3 pounds a month. Or people excessively dieting and tracking each calorie to the point of break downs. The worst part was when she looked at me and fucking congratulated me for losing 20 pounds in 4 months. Like thanks for encouraging me to not eat.

#💜.chaos chats

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madsdefencesquad · 3 years

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The semi-companion piece to Kevin's one and it's all about Mads, of course. Dedicated to Kevison Nation (every single fudging one of you) and to @flythesail and @penny259 (your comments have me weeping haha 😚). Also on ao3.

A little into Madison Pearson by x (with additions) Summer 2026

I first met Madison Pearson a year ago at George Clooney’s 65th birthday celebrations in Perthshire, Scotland in a fashion closer to that of long-travelled friends who haven’t seen each other in years than that of complete strangers who just so happened to enjoy the same foodie indulgence (bacon-wrapped dates, anyone?). Despite the grandeur of the guests present at the lavish affair – politicians, laureates, philanthropists and A-list celebrities (including her own husband actor Kevin Pearson) – Madison Pearson had the kind of invigorating energy that just drew absolutely anyone in.

Perhaps it was the enchanting mix of contained excitement and understated class she exuded that will warm you upon beholding up close, or perhaps it was the charm of a more loquacious woman of California mixed with the rare intelligence of a world-traveller. Either way, despite the taxing social waltz her husband took her throughout the night bumping elbows with the elites, Madison was one of those people who truly left a lasting impression.

Squeezed next to her in the back of a cab, Madison is head-to-toe in Temperley London x Axel Arigato (vintage-inspired nautical jumpsuit and platform suedes) en route to a baking class where her five-year-old twins Nick and Franny are waiting for her to join them along with their father.

“I was supposed to get changed,” she says, lamenting on her attire worn for a meeting with some West Chester development executives that’s perhaps too luxurious for an afternoon of mixing flour and butter and sugar. “But you have to make at least a bit of an impression, right?”

Madison has been the powerhouse head honcho of the Pearson family business, Big Three Homes, since its establishment three years prior. With a solid background in business management and a surefooted ability to navigate the mores of an ever-changing property development landscape, it was no question that Madison would rise up to the challenge of breaking into the market with a business model founded on family, philanthropy and sustainability.

Despite growing up largely independent without people close enough to call family, Madison has also found the means to speak about her experiences in an effort to encourage and give hope to the younger generation of girls and young women who may be going through an ongoing battle between themselves and their self-worth.

“I never felt enough,” she says of the origins of her battle with her eating disorder that began when she was still in middle school. “I look at Franny and she’s so small and carefree and I want to give her everything I never had, but I know that even that won’t be enough unless she herself realises how worthy she is of all the good and all the love that she deserves.”

We pull up outside the baking studio and she brightens at spotting her husband and twins’ silhouettes behind the frosted glass windows. Nick and Franny almost topple over their stools as they rush to overwhelm their mother while their father scrambles to keep his heart rate down—a close call with their foreheads hitting the edge of the marble benches as they got down will just about do it.

Even with her petite frame, Madison carries the twins like she’s just holding a bag of groceries. Unsurprisingly, both Nick and Franny are as enamoured of their mother as she is of them and are on the verge of complaining when put down just as Kevin, grinning ear to ear, envelops Madison in his huge arms—to be fair, he’s always been quite remarkably chiselled but the Tom Ford sweater and those tailored jeans (chosen by his wife “of course” as Kevin credits) is a different level altogether. He leans down to give her a kiss.

Back in Perthshire a year ago at the Clooney extravaganza, I caught up with the married couple the day after the festivities over a traditional Scottish breakfast as we overlooked the highlands of the Gleneagles.

Perhaps unlike the Clooneys, who were still entertaining their guests from all over world, the Pearsons were much more relaxed within their own family bubble. Having just celebrated Kevin’s twin sister’s wedding three days prior with close family and friends, the pair was grateful to spend some quality time with each other and their twins without the need to be anything but present.

From my perch, Kevin and Madison were the kind of couple that were very much “old souls”. They held an affection for each other that is rooted from sincere fondness and adoration for each other—they converse like deep friends and trade wits like secret lovers. And despite the media attention of the adorable moments shared online (often by the social-savvy actor), Madison is uncompromising when it comes to the privacy of their children.

While the twins dipped in and out of the table pilfering scones or taking over their mother’s green juice, neither one of their parents were the least bit bothered by the constant attention they need to provide such a rumbunctious pair.

“They’re so funny,” Kevin said, a careful eye on little Nick who was staring at the whipped cream on his tiny finger like he was contemplating on wiping it on his dad’s face.

I do recall having a good laugh when I accompanied the family on a tour of a nearby 17th century castle and little Franny, a copy-and-paste of her mother, pointed at a wood-cut table decoration of what looked to be intertwined lovers and confidently yelled, “That’s mommy and daddy!”

The fierce mama bear of the Pearson household of four (Madison sometimes calls her husband “kid number three, but don’t tell him that or he’ll get ideas of trying for another!”), remarks that forging her own path away from her husband’s spotlight had been remarkably easy, and she gives much of the credit to the rest of the Pearson clan who all treasure family more than anything.

Even with the notoriety of her brother-in-law, rising political star Randall Pearson, who currently serves in the Philadelphia municipality and is on track for a career in congress, Madison says that quality time to rest and recuperate is a must.

“[My sisters-in-law] and I have a girls weekend every other month when we can where we literally book ourselves a gorgeous Airbnb and just glamp down. I’m talking sleep-ins, endless mimosas, spa sessions… you name it! It’s the kind of getaway that [our husbands] get really jealous for.”

And upon being reminded, Kevin, now sporting Franny’s tiny chef’s hat, shakes his head at his wife conspicuously as if in reprimand that he most definitely should be included in the gals’ next glamping session despite him being, well, not a gal.

While Nick proudly counts five of about a thousand sprinkles that are scattered on his side of the bench, Madison congratulates him with a warmth and pride that is infectious enough to make you think that she’s proud of you too. And despite her husband’s very obvious possessiveness over her—you could count only one occasion where the actor is not at arm’s length from her—when Madison focuses her attention on you, it’s not difficult to believe that this powerhouse woman could truly do absolutely anything.

“She is that and more,” Kevin says about his wife. “Sometimes I can’t believe that this is my life. Our life! Like, she’s mywife, and these two are our kids. It’s just wild! I’m grateful, just grateful.”

Despite the doubts and fear that had been Madison’s constant companions for most of her life and especially going into adulthood, there is a fierce resilience in her that she could only credit her dear grandmother Frances—her own daughter having been named after her.

“She always believed in me,” she recalls, an eye on the twins squatting by the oven watching their creations rise. Despite the deep grief and loss that are quite intimately shared by the married couple, Madison says that it has only made them more resolute in loving their children and each other as best as they possible can every day.

“You just don’t know when it’s your time,” she says. “So, Kev and I make sure that there are no ‘next times’ when it comes to our family.”

When I had asked Madison about Big Three Homes back in Scotland, she squealed at the origin story of its founding, which started with Kevin’s late father Jack Pearson having asked his wife Rebecca to start the business together as partners.

Although Jack’s tragic and unexpected passing put an indefinite hold to this dream, its fulfilment through his son Kevin and through Madison is a testament to the kind of legacy that Jack Pearson had begun through his kids.

“I mean, it started off as more of a passion project for Kev,” Madison says. “But we knew it was always going to be something really special. Especially because his first project was the house that Jack had wanted to build for his mom. And when Kevin had this wonderful idea of bringing the family together to start the business and he asked me to be a part of it, how could I have said no!”

Kevin makes a point to say though that even if the idea of Big Three Homes originally came from his parents, its fulfilment is as much a part of his and Madison’s own story as it is his parents’. And choosing to have Madison work alongside him wasn’t just the best choice (given how much of a boss she is), but it was the only choice he ever wanted or considered.

“I know this is cliché, but I can’t stand not being with her,” Kevin says. “I made a point of this when our twins were born, and I meant it!”

Madison and the family split their time between California and Pennsylvania both for Kevin’s work and for the business, but nowadays, it’s more of an 80-20 split in favour of the east coast.

When asked about a career path carved away from her hometown in California, Madison says fondly, “It surprises a lot of people when I say this but I’m actually an east coast girl.”

This fun fact translates quite well in Madison’s day to day. She could turn any conversation into an erudite discussion, and she will utterly beguile you with her knowledge of books and literature—her constant companions when she can sneak away to her own personal Taj Mahal, a stunning Japanese garden in the backyard of their Pennsylvania home which Kevin built especially for her.

As the Pearsons continue to make a splash in the world of construction, politics, arts and entertainment—a rare mix indeed for a family in the spotlight—Madison is determined to continue writing a story with her husband and her children that she never had growing up.

With the twins happily destroying their creations by the mouthfuls, Madison promises that another visit is a must and perhaps this time, she can show us a collection of Kevin’s baby photos coupled with her own personal commentary to boot.

And who would say no to that.

#kevison #kadison #kevin and madison #still not over that kadison tag but loving it coz yes to more madison yeeeeee #I tried to not let Kevin get away with being gushy but he keeps taking over!!#lezbereal he's in too deep we get it boyy #I need to do a combined one because Uncle Nicky and some of the fam has to feature am I roighttttt #anywhoo hope y'all enjoy this <3 #this is us #tiu #kevison fanfics #kevison fanfic #tiu spoilers #I know most of the deets won't be canon after season 6 but whatever I do what I want #kevin pearson #madison this is us #madison pearson

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thepoetscorner · 3 years

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Dear Tumblr algorithm,

Stop putting eating disorder blogs in my orbit. These blogs do nothing but romanticize eating disorders. it physically brings me to tears when I see a 15-16 year old girl posing for a camera and smiling in a high waisted bikini while you can see every bone she is made of. With a hashtag that say “inspiration ✨”

I do not want to be associated with blogs that romanticize and congratulate and encourage self harm.

These people need help and if there are blogs out there that do that. I am ok with that. But these blogs that have shown up in these past few weeks are not blogs that are here to help people get over their eating disorders. These blogs are not here to help these people who are suffering recover. These blogs are here to help people with eating disorders get better at having an eating disorder.

My heart weighs heavily for all the people who follow blogs like these. I wish I could do more than to just write out my frustrations.

I hope that someone important sees this message and can do more about this than I can.

Deepest regards,

Thepoetscorner

P.s

(For the blogs that fit in this category who may see this) no, putting “TW” as you title does not justify your content. My heart goes out to you too. I hope you change for the better and one day use your blog to help people truly recover or to even document your own recovery to help other. Your posts about “skinny inspiration” and “tip on how to stay thin” is NOT something that should be looked at lightly or romanticized in any way. It is extremely harmful and toxic.

#thepoetscorner #tumblr algorithm #reblog #send love

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theficplug · 4 years

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l Next Lifetime l Erik Killmonger l

previous chapters: l part 1 l part 2

erik kilmonger x black reader

warnings: none, but the usual 18+ for the eventual smut and a possible tw for grief but i promise it gets better and its a romcom

synopsis: reader grieves Erik until she doesn’t (i’m trying not give too much away). This one is a long filler sort of chapter before it really starts to pick up in part 4 and onward. So, grab you a snack and something to drink! I hope y’all like it.

l part 3 l

It’s been a few days and a few more hangovers than you’d care to count later and you were back in Oakland debating whether or not you should meet N’Jadaka later this afternoon.

In two weeks you and N’Jadaka had a thread of about 300 messages talking about everything from the political state of the country, which aisle you shop on first, and if you want children down the line.

The only time you two stopped talking is when he said that Death Note was the best anime and you had to agree to disagree. The silent treatment only lasted 15 minutes before he called and said he already missed the sound of your voice and the ding of the alarm from your messages.

There was something in the nuance of getting to know him this time that made everything seem so bittersweet.

You sit at your desk in your office tapping the pen rapidly while searching stories and videos of reincarnation and the spirit.

According to Google you were either losing your mind or either really blessed/lucky.

It'd be like dating someone new and starting all over but not? Because he's your Erik but he's not your Erik.

According to West Hylan an author who swears up and down that he's on his second life. There would be pieces of their past life that they will find in the things that they do or how they feel. But for the most part their past life/lives will feel like a distant dream.

You closed the tabs and rubbed at your temples trying to make sense of it all.

"Alright, Alright . It's just a walk around the park eating $2 hot dogs. It can't be that hard. " you say to yourself before looking up at your work wife Marley coming in with a huge smile watched across her face.

Marley had bushy eyebrows, a giant crown of 4c hair framing her face, beautiful hazel doe eyes, and striking cheekbones. She modeled part time but recently took a step back to work with you to tackle the encouragement of cosmetic work and disordered eating within the "influencer" industry.

She sparked a new wing in your center that runs seminars and self love summer camps for any girl/young woman that wants to attend. Free of charge with food and activities.

"Guess who just passed her final exam? You're looking at a licensed counselor baaabbyyy! 5 ½ shitty years of University and it's finally a wrap." She announces as her heels click on the floor on her way to your desk.

She stops in her tracks as she sees the look on your face and raises her brows.

"Uh- uh, I know that look, what's up boss lady?" She asks and you shake your head.

"Nothing. Literally nothing, just me being overly anxious because I have...a date. Congratulations! I am so proud of you. You're so multi-talented and smart. This is only the beginning!" You congratulate her and she beams with happiness and pride before sitting down at the desk.

"First off , thank you, it really does mean a lot coming from you. Secondly, it's normal to be nervous for a first date. Especially considering all that you've gone through in the last year. But if you like him, you owe it to yourself to at least give it a shot. Do I know him? Is he new ?" She asks inquisitively as she grabs a handful of the jellybeans from your desk.

"He, he's an old friend. And I'm just-things are different now and I'm feeling like maybe there will be some sort of disconnect there." You admit, worried that even though by some magical occurrence happening you had him back in your life but he was still a relatively brand new person with free will.

What if the vibe just isn't there.

"That's just it. He's an old friend and this is new. You've probably got some old memories and moments but the time that you've both spent apart means that you're both different. Sure we value old experiences because nostalgia makes us see everything through rose colored glasses. We can be thankful for those times but it's time to make new memories. Time waits for no one. Hell, as much as you do around here you deserve some time to be all loved on." She says laughing softly and walks around your desk to pull you into a hug.

"I'm honestly so thankful for you Marley."

--------------------------------------------------------

"Be open to new experiences. Be open to new experiences" you repeat the mantra to yourself when your phone dings.

Daka-Stevens: I got us a spot for the fireworks and lantern festival🎆🏮

You smile softly at the text before remembering that the fireworks might be a trigger for him like before.

Sounds good… Do you think fireworks are too loud?👋🏾

Daka-Stevens: no not really but if u r sound sensitive. aint no problem. We can find sumn else to get into.👍🏾

No no. It's perfect.. see you in 20 ♥️

"I'm trying a new recipe and I need you to be honest on how this tastes. Cause I'm trying this at the restaurant tomorrow and Kathy be on my ass about creating the same foods. Gumbo. Try. Please?" Tika asks while walking into your room

"Just in time . Right before I put on my lipstick. I'm feeling like this top and skirt is clashing. I'm gonna go look on Iri's rack." You say after tasting her Gumbo. "It tastes good to me! Add a lil crab boil for a kick."

"Crab boil, of course. Also I'm sure she has a red dress with this billowy kinda sleeve. That would look mad cute on you." She advised and you nod before heading over to her rack in the living room.

"I'm gonna pretend like you're not going through my Fall 2020 collection. Good afternoon to you all. I am in a fabulous mood. Guess who's microaggressive ass editor got fiiirreed." Iri announces walking through the door and snatching off her heels

"And I'm gonna pretend that you and Tika are moving the furniture around in your room at 2 am…. What happened?" You ask laughing and Tika drops her spoon on the floor before she turns around fast enough to give herself whiplash.

"How do you know about that? Look, I don't want things to be weird. Its gonna throw off the dynamic of our friendship . Like we're the 3 musketeers if the 3 becomes 2 then the 1 feels left out and you're our 1. You know we love you right?" Tika babbles and you shake your head while throwing up your hands

"Teeks , I know, and honestly I've been waiting for this for about a year. You two are the cutest and my best friends. And I want the best for both of you. You are the best for each other." You say to them and Iri calls for a group hug

“Now let’s get you sorted because hun cause I know Iri has something cute somewhere on this thing.” Tika says as she puts the turns off the stove.

“Fine. FINE. But you can NOT damage this outfit in any way. I haven’t even shown it to the team yet.” Iri says before helping you both.

20 minutes later and your girls are giving you the once over before N’Jadaka/Erik arrives.

“Teeth check. Pit check , Location tracker on. Breath check . She has gumbo breath. We can't send her out with gumbo breath. Iri, spearmint me. Whew okay. She's ready." Tika says right on time as N’Jadaka knocks at the door.

“Hey , damn I'm lucky. You look beautiful! These are for you.” N’Jadaka says leaning in to kiss your cheek.

Why does this man smell so goddamn good ? That’s a man. Oh, shit. Is that Chrysanthemums? You think to yourself as you sneeze loudly

“You know that I’m aller-. Thank you, I’ll just put these over there.” you say sneezing again and quickly sitting them on the table.

“Okay, ready to go. Have fun y’all. Don’t do anything that I wouldn’t do.” Iri calls after you.

“So everything then?” you retort playfully before blowing her a kiss and she teasingly gives you the middle finger.

---------------------------------------------------

“So Pen thought it was “cute” but Khalil roasted the fuck outta me. “Talking bout some “she don’t live on a prairie nigga take her somewhere special.” I wanted to surprise you with a picnic. Lina helped me put it together and stuff. I got fruits, we got surf and turf with the lobster tails and steak, and we have German chocolate cake. Mike wanted to talk shit and then tried to ask Lina to help him make one for a damn tinder date.” he says nervously rambling on the way to the festival.

“I really like it. I think it’s so thought out and who doesn’t love a good surf and turf? Khalil's just hating cause he aint think of it first. I think it’s kinda cute that you ramble when you’re nervous , Mr. Calm , Cool, and Collected.” you say to him as he parks the car and starts your things.

“Who wouldn’t be nervous around somebody that looked like you?” he asks leaning against his cherry red car with the wicker basket in his hand.

“Alright, Alright Mr. Casanova. Let’s go in before the fireworks start.” you say taking the large blanket out of his hands and leaning up again to thank him and kiss his cheek this time.

You walked hand in hand with him through the park after giving your tickets at the booth and grabbing two lanterns for the both of you.

This section of park was already riddled with couples and friends scattered about laughing, talking, swapping stories, and listening to the soft music being played over the speakers as the sun started to set.

You walk past a park bench riddled with graffiti art and you stop for a moment to stare at it. Kind of like your town’s own “lovers lock bridge”.

Almost instantly you are taken back to the moment that you and Erik shared your first kiss and the first time he told you that he loved you all those years back.

N’Jadaka looks back at you for a moment after noticing you’re no longer walking beside him.

“Does this bench make you feel something? Anything?” you ask as you walk over to it.

“Nah, I haven’t seen it before but it got some dope ass art on it. Like this lil robot man over here. I think i got a marker in my back pocket from work earlier.” he says fishing around while balancing the basket in his other hand.

He opens the marker with his teeth and crouches down to write your initials while wearing the biggest grin.

“That way when we’re 20 years down the line and you hogging all the blankets and my hairline start hiking to the back like my daddys’. We can come back to this spot and remember the beginning of our lil love story.” he says and you smile at him before nodding and kissing his nose and cheeks.

As he takes off walking to find your spot. You stand there for a few more moments running your fingers over the carved E+ your initials on the other side of the bench.

It really was the perfect view of everyone and everything but still being a ways away from others while still being in range to hear the music.

“Here, it’s perfect.” You declare as you place the blanket and pillows down once you both reach the top of the hill.

N’Jadaka begins to take out the food and drinks and set it up. “I brought ginger ale for us too if you don’t feel like drinking wine.”

“That's actually my favourite...Now what in the world does that white boy know about Alicia Keys?” you ask while laughing as he starts playing No One on his guitar and the people in the park began to sing along with him.

“He tried it . . . But i’mma give him his props. He don’t sound half bad.” N’Jadaka says laughing as he opens the container of strawberries and feeds you one . You lick his fingers softly and he gives you a look.

You open a frozen fruit cup for him and lean back on your elbows. “So did you always know that you wanted to be an artist/sculptor or is that just something you connected with down the line?” you ask as you stare at the drunken man stumbling around families a few feet away from you. N'Jadaka ponders the question before shaking his head.

“Nah, at first I thought I was gonna be a soldier. I had my mind deadset on joining the military fresh outta high school. That’s how they get you. The recruiters come in making it seem like we gon be doing something patriotic. You know, be a man, defend your country and all that bullshit. They don’t really tell you what they really want you to do and what happens to you, to your mind. It aint right.” he shakes his head at the thought and you had to swallow the lump in your throat knowing that you knew exactly how that route of life played out for him.

“I’m glad you chose art. You look hot in your lil paint covered overalls. When are you gonna draw me like one of your french girls?” you ask jokingly and he throws his head back in laughter before moving to lean off to the side of the hill with his hand out.

“Don’t let me go.” he calls out dramatically, still laughing and acting like he’s barely holding on.

“I’ll never let go Jack.” you say dramatically holding onto his hand .

He moves back onto the blanket to lay back still laughing as he looks over at you.

“She really had mans hanging off that damn door for hours when there was enough room for both of em.”

“Wait, stay right there I wanna take a picture to remember this moment. Smile for me Daka.” you call softly to him as you hold up your polaroid camera and press down on the button permanently capturing the serene look on his face as he enjoys the frozen fresh fruit cup. His cherry red stained plump lips gently pulled into a small smile as he stares at the crossed his eyes. He looked cute even while being goofy.

“Gimme kiss?” he asks and you lean down to kiss him as the fireworks light up the sky and he snaps the picture.

You taste the cherry flavour on his tongue as you continue to kiss him.

You both look up at the sky in bloom with different hues of white and yellow and reds.

“Ouch,damn it, you just stepped on my foot. you could’ve said excuse me!” You yell out to the guy who’s drunkenly stumbling around trying to get higher up.

“You shouldn’t have had them in the fucking way!” he calls back over his shoulder and N’Jadaka immediately gets up from your spot to grab him by his shirt and twists his arm behind his back.

“Fuck is wrong with you? If people aint have their children in here , I would knock your dumb ass out .” he says to the man through gritted teeth and you jump up from your place on the blanket to grab N’Jadaka’s arm and place your hand firmly on his chest.

“Heeeyy Daka, it aint even gotta be all that. He ain’t worth even worth it. C'mon. Come here to me.” you say softly to him knowing how to de-escalate these sort of situations with him all too well.

“I’m going to have to ask you all to leave the premises for causing a disturbance.” the park attendant says and you try to let her know what was going on but she was already walking away.

“Come on, we don’t need their lil stank festival anyways.” you say to him and he helps you pack up your stuff before taking your hand and leaving the park.

Once you’re back in the car you’re both laughing at how stupid the whole situation was and roasting the parking lot attendant to break the slightly awkward silence from when you first entered the car.

You drive around for a while, listening to old school jams and talking things out about anything and everything. You open up to him a little about Erik and he reveals to you that he used to date Lina for a short time.

But they both knew that it wasn’t right and that Lina was more like a bro to him and vice versa.

After you find an empty parking lot you sit on the hood of his car and stare up at all of the stars showing out tonight.

“You know we still have our lanterns.” you suggest before grabbing them from the car.

You release your lanterns at the same time before sharing a kiss. You nuzzle his nose for a moment, taking a deep breath and looking right at him.

“Remember when you asked me if I knew of you before we met at Aloha Oakland?” you ask him.

Once you have it lit you write your message hoping that it comes true and you wait for Daka to finish writing his.

He leans against the car to listen to you.

"This is gonna sound crazy as hell but roll with it for a moment. I think I knew you in your past life. I know how this sounds but remember when you said that you were drunk for your birthday weekend? You said that you dreamed in hues of red purples and flowers. There were streams of water and butterflies all over. . . You were in the ancestral plane. I'm not exactly sure what happened. I'm still trying to convince myself that I'm not losing it. But, I've technically known you since we were kids. You died back then and somehow, I don't have all the answers. You just promised that you'd come back to me-"

Tag list: @doublesidedscoobysnacks

@chaneajoyyy

@mirandkimy

@doitforthevine67

@amyhennessyhouse

@dasia21

@depressionandfandomsinc

@sinfully-dope

@ambitionwood

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@theesotericqueen

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@ceo-of-baby

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@justpeachee

@nijajoha

@imayhavemisunderstood

#erik killmonger #erik killmonger smut #black panther #black panther smut #fanfic for black girls

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joyful-soul-collector · 4 years

Text

No problem, kid

Prompt: Fainting

@canonismybitch asked: CONGRATULATIONS ON 400 FOLLOWERS!!! Could I request Fainting for IronDad? (I'm a sucker for Peter whump ngl) also, pretty please could you add me to your tag list?

Thank you so much for requesting this, it was so fun to write! And as you already know by now, yes, you have been added to the tag list ;]

Irondad Tag List: @phahbiyah @keep-a-bucket-full-of-stars @clevermuffinalmondpeach @stuck-in-a-fictional-universe @canonismybitch @freckledmountain @hold-our-destiny + @badthingshappenbingo

Let me know if you want to be added or removed from the tag list!

TWs: Fainting obviously, some negative self-talk, and while no one has an eating disorder in this fic, I do describe his hunger a lot so if you're triggered by that you may want to be careful

Read on Ao3

Peter hated gym. You’d think that after getting superstrength it’d be more fun, but it was honestly no better than before. At least, not since the “no food outside the cafeteria” rule had been implemented. Apparently a lot of kids thought it was funny to hide food in cupboards so it would mold and rot in there, and the school banned eating any food outside the cafeteria.

This wasn’t a big deal for anyone except for Peter. His enhanced metabolism burned so fast that Tony had compared it to Captain America’s, and Peter had to eat every hour to keep up with it. Hourlies, he called them. Normally you’d never see Peter without a snack in his hand, usually a special protein bar made specifically for his needs, but now Peter’s hands and belly were often empty.

Especially in gym class. Gym was his last class of the day, which meant by now his lunch had been hours ago and his stomach was screaming with hunger. He’d tried to sneak food in the locker room but he was caught almost every time as apparently the lockers were the place the most rotten food had been found, so the teachers kept an extra close eye out.

So here he was, running back and forth across the gym, his stomach rumbling so loud Ned could hear it beside him.

“Jesus Peter,” Ned muttered as his belly gave a particularly loud growl. “Are you like, okay?”

“No, I’m fucking starving,” Peter said, rubbing his middle as it spasmed painfully. “God I hate this. It’s only been a week and I feel like I’m going insane.”

“This can’t be good for you Peter, you should really tell someone,” Ned said worriedly. “I really don’t like seeing you going hungry like this.” Peter gave a small chuckle as they started running again.

“I tried, they didn’t listen to me. But I’m alright, I’m Spider-Man, a little hunger can’t stop me,” he said. But when his stomach rumbled so loud Peter saw a couple people glance at him, Ned raised his eyebrows.

“Forgive me if I don’t believe that was ‘a little hunger’,” he said. Peter’s face went red and he looked away, quiet. Well, quiet except for his belly.

They ran in relative silence for a few minutes, until somehow, Peter actually started to feel worse. Something he didn’t actually know was possible.

His head started pounding and his vision began swimming lazily as a wave of nausea overtook him. Peter stumbled, and was buffeted to the side by several runners behind him, almost falling over until Ned caught him by the elbows.

“Peter? Peter are you okay!?” he asked, the look of worry distorted in Peter’s eyes.

“I-I think I’m gonna pass out,” Peter mumbled. Peter fell against the wall and slid into a sitting position, clutching his face in his hands as the world swam around him.

“Shit, shit, I knew this was gonna happen,” Ned said. “Okay, let’s get you to the nurse.”

Peter nodded, and stood up.

But suddenly, the world was black, and the biting hunger was gone.

~~~

“Kid. Kid, wake up, c’mon Pete, let’s get you back to the tower,” said a voice, slowly pulling Peter back to consciousness.

“Mmm?” Peter opened his eyes to find a slightly blurry, concerned face looking down at him. Tony. “Oh. Hey, Tony.”

The frown in Tony’s brow deepened and he made a noise of sympathy.

“Jeez, you really are sick, aren’t you? Why did you go to school like this?” Peter raised his eyebrows.

“They told you I was sick?” he mumbled, sitting up and massaging his stomach as the deep ache returned.

“What else would they have told me?” Tony asked. Peter sighed and shook his head.

“Let’s just go. I’ll explain when we get in the car,” he muttered. Peter pushed himself up with shaking arms and Tony gently put his hand under one of his elbows to help him up.

“You’re shaking,” Tony said, concern now filling his voice.

“I know,” Peter said grimly. “I just wanna get out of here.” Tony opened his mouth to say something, but decided against it and quickly started the process of signing Peter out of school. Peter sat at one of the chairs in the main office, hugging his backpack to his aching tummy, willing it not to growl in the quiet room.

Eventually they were able to leave, and they made their way as quickly as they could to the car Tony had parked out front. Tony took his backpack and put it in the trunk while Peter eased himself into the passenger seat. He pressed his fingers deep into his belly as it cramped with hunger.

“I know, I know,” he muttered to his stomach, hearing the trunk slam behind him. “We’ll eat in a little bit. Not long now.” Tony sat in the driver's seat a second later, and looked at Peter with concern.

“Alright kid. Out with it, what’s going on?” he said, putting on hand comfortingly on Peter’s knee. Peter opened his mouth, but his stomach interrupted him with a loud growl.

It was so loud Peter could feel the empty rumbles against his palms, and he closed his eyes in embarrassment and misery, curling in on himself and wishing he would sink into the earth forever.

“Jesus… kid was that your stomach?” he heard Tony say, the sympathy in his voice making Peter’s ears turn red.

“I-I haven’t eaten anything since lunch,” Peter muttered. “That’s why I passed out.” He suddenly felt his eyes start to sting. God this was such a stupid thing to cry about. He’s just hungry, this isn’t the end of the world, so why does he feel so awful?

“Oh, oh god Peter, okay, it’ll be alright kid, let’s just get you something to eat then, yeah?” Tony said, quickly starting up the car and driving out of the parking lot. Peter just nodded, unable to trust his voice to keep steady and trying his best not to let the tears spill from his eyes. It was another minute before Tony spoke again.

“Why did the school tell me you were just sick? Why haven’t you eaten in so long, kid? We set up your Hourlies months ago, and with how you look right now I’d have a hard time believing you just forgot--”

“The school made a rule that we can’t eat outside the cafeteria. So the only times I’ve been able to eat are before school, at lunch, and sometimes I can sneak something between classes in the bathroom if I have enough time. They probably told you I was sick because no one else has passed out from hunger yet, so they assumed I was just the idiot who decided to go to school sick,” Peter said, massaging his tummy as it continued to spasm and gurgle. “Though I have a feeling Ned told them what happened and they just ignored him. Teachers don’t tend to listen to us. I even tried to tell a teacher I had some sort of stomach condition so I had to eat more often, but they just started pressing for details and saying they wanted to get a doctors note and permission from Aunt May and all this shit and I just… honestly I just decided to give up and deal with it. Even though I know Aunt May would give permission, I can’t get a doctor’s note, and I hate the idea of being singled out as The One Kid who’s allowed to eat in class. That’s a great way to get everyone to have a grudge against you.”

“Jeez…” Tony said. “How long has this been going on?”

“A week,” Peter muttered.

“Kid, are you telling me you’ve been going hungry like this for a whole week? Why didn’t you tell me?” he exclaimed.

“I don’t know, I just… after getting told no by the teacher I just didn’t bother. I haven’t been able to focus or think all week and I just… I didn’t even consider it. I’m sorry,” Peter said. Tony sighed and gave him a small pat on the shoulder.

“It’s alright, nothing to be sorry for, this isn’t your fault,” he said, turning into the parking lot of a McDonalds. “A couple Big Macs you’re thinkin’ kid?” he asked. Peter’s belly answered with a deep grumble, and Tony nodded. “Four then. With fries and a milkshake.”

Peter nodded shyly, and Tony gave him an encouraging smile as he got out of the car and hurried to the building to order Peter’s food.

Peter took a deep breath, curling in on himself and hugging his stomach, clenching his teeth as more tears stung his eyes, eventually spilling out and rolling down his face.

“Dammit, no, stop it, stop it stop it stop it, not again,” Peter muttered, wiping his eyes furiously on his sleeves.

Peter had cried almost every day since the ban had started, and honestly couldn’t figure out why. The first time happened at lunch, and he was barely able to keep his composure before rushing to the bathroom and bursting into tears. Another time had actually been at breakfast oddly enough, Aunt May had almost had him stay home from school. The time before now had been yesterday when he got home, tears rolling silently down his face as he dragged several containers of food out of the fridge.

“Stop it, what’s wrong with you, you’re fine, stop being so stupid Peter, god. This isn’t something you cry over, you’re just hungry, you’re not dying, so stop being a fucking idiot--” The sound of the car door opening startled him into silence, and he looked up in surprise.

“Alright kiddo, I got your food, I don’t often like using the ‘I’m famous’ card but considering the circumstances I thought we should be fast--” he cut off as he caught sight of Peter’s face. “Oh Pete, are you crying?”

“No! No, I-I’m fine, it’s stupid, I--”

“Hey, it’s alright, it’s okay,” Tony said softly, sitting down and shutting the door. He held out the bag and Peter felt his mouth watering fervently as the smell hit his nose. His belly clenched hard and he quickly took the bag, trembling fingers wrapping around the greasy burger and opening it.

The first bite sent Peter’s tummy into a frenzy, begging loudly for more, which he was all too happy to oblige. He started breathing heavily as he stuffed more food into his mouth, the tears spilling out of his eyes causing small whines of frustration between bites.

And the tears only increased when Tony smoothed a hand on his back and started whispering words of comfort to him.

“It’s okay buddy, you’re gonna be alright,” he said softly. Peter finished the burger a minute later, and he sat for a moment, eyes squeezed shut, gripping his knees and taking several slow, deep breaths. He was nowhere near satisfied, he still had three burgers, fries, and a milkshake left after all, but he finally felt well enough for the tears to ease a bit and let him speak.

“I… I’m sorry I cried like that, I don’t know what’s wrong with me--”

“Woah, hey, no it’s okay to cry Pete, you’re alright,” Tony said, rubbing more circles into Peter’s back.

“Yeah, I know, it’s just I don’t do that usually, but I’ve just been it doing all week and I don’t understand--”

“Peter, you haven’t been able to properly eat for a week. That really messes with you, both physically and emotionally. Your body and mind are overwhelmed and honestly, when that happens, you cry. Anyone who’s in your position would feel the same,” he said. Tony moved his hand from Peter’s back and put it under his chin, coaxing him to look up. “It’s okay, kiddo. You’re not being irrational. You just get some more food in your belly, and I’ll get us home, okay?”

Peter sniffed and nodded with a watery smile. Tony brushed a tear from Peter’s cheek and smiled back before starting the car.

Peter finished another burger by the time they got to the tower, now feeling well enough to walk without his knees shaking. When they got to the living quarters they sat on the couch together, Peter tucked safely under Tony’s arm, munching happily on his burger and dipping his fries in his milkshake while they watched Star Wars. Peter went to sleep with his stomach heavy and full of food, and when he went back to school on Monday, the ban had been lifted for reasons nobody seemed to know.

Peter sent Tony a thank you text that morning, crunching down happily on a granola bar in homeroom.

No problem, kid.

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olivieblake · 3 years

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Ok I have a personal petty grievance to get off my chest. I have a family member who I enjoy texting with but like every day they text me about their step count and how much it is and I...don’t care? like at all. Partially cause I’m in a state of eating disorder and recovery limbo so it kinda triggers me into feeling horrible and makes me feel the need to go exercise immediately but also cause it’s just like boring? like yay you walked a lot again congratulations?! Idk what more I’m supposed to say. Oh well I’m sure I’m boring too sometimes I’ll just continue evading the conversation till the the hint is gotten

hm yes this is very annoying I agree. I’m thinking they just want to tell someone and they’ve decided that person is you for whatever reason; probably a good reason, I think! but there’s a definite gap in intention (and lack of awareness of what makes good mutual conversation, lol). I do think you’re projecting your own issues onto something that’s probably 100% about them and not any intended reflection of you or your motivation, but just because they lack awareness of your feelings doesn’t mean you should have to put up with it. the truth is that most people are not thinking about you the way that you’re thinking about you, so you can either bring it to their attention or you can change the way you process what’s actually being said

I would say your options are twofold:

if it helps you to acknowledge internally that them giving you this information makes them feel better and is probably not about you at all, then just let them keep doing it and eventually they’ll probably stop

if the impact on you is great enough that you need them to acknowledge the way they’re encroaching on your emotional well-being, then you should bring up that it bothers you. I think a very simple “I’m so glad your step count is going great! I’m so proud of you, but I’m wondering if there’s someone else who might be more enthusiastic about celebrating that with you. tbh it makes me feel ______, so I don’t think I am able to be as encouraging as either of us would like. is it cool if we leave out the exercise talk for now?”

but yeah some people are very unaware of their impact on others. try not to let your irritation escalate until it becomes resentment; either resolve it internally, give yourself peace of mind, or have a conversation about it, but try not to let your agitation fester! assume one of you is lacking information and see if offering some to either yourself or to them will help

#petty grievances #big sistering #I would have saved this for a video but I wouldn't get to it until next week #olivie blake is not writing #just in case I do address this topic later #Anonymous

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pamphletstoinspire · 4 years

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Easter Thursday

Liturgical Year: Easter Thursday by Dom Gueranger, 1908

For to this end Christ died and rose again; that He might be Lord both of the dead and of the living.–Romans 14: 9

This is the day which the Lord hath made: let us be glad and rejoice therein.

After having glorified the Lamb of God, and the Passover whereby our Lord destroyed our enemies; after having celebrated our deliverance by water, and our entrance into the Promised Land; let us now fix our respectful gaze upon Him whose triumph is prefigured by all these prodigies. So dazzling is the glory that now beams from this Man-God, that, like the prophet of Patmos, we shall fall prostrate before Him. But He is so wonderful, too, in His love, that He will encourage us to enjoy the grand vision: He will say to us, as He did to His disciple: Fear not! I am the First, and the Last; and alive, and was dead; and behold! I am living for ever and ever, and have the keys of death and of hell (Apoc. i. 17, 18.).'

Yes, He is now Master of death, which had held Him captive; He holds in His hand the keys of hell. These expressions of Scripture signify, that He has power over death and the tomb; He has conquered them. Now, the first use He makes of His victory, is to make us partakers of it. Let us adore His infinite goodness; and, in accordance with the wish of holy Church, let us meditate to-day upon the effects wrought in each one of ourselves by the mystery of the Pasch. Jesus says to His beloved disciple: ‘I am alive, and was dead': the day will come, when we, also, shall triumphantly say: ‘We are living, and we were dead!'

Death awaits us; it is daily advancing towards us; we cannot escape its vengeance. ‘The wages of sin, is death (Rom. vi. 23)': in these few words of Scripture, we are taught how death is not only universal, but even necessary; for we have all sinned. This, however, does not make the law less severe; nor can we help seeing a frightful disorder in the violent separation of soul and body, which were united together by God Himself. If we would truly understand death, we must remember that God made man immortal: this will explain the instinctive dread we have of death,–a dread which one thing alone can conquer; and that is, the spirit of sacrifice. In the death, then, of each one of us there is the handiwork of sin, and consequently a victory won by satan: nay, there would be a humiliation for our Creator Himself, were it not that, by sentencing us to this punishment, He satisfied His justice.

This is man's well-merited, but terrible, condemnation. What can he hope for? Never to die? It would be folly: the sentence is clear, and none may escape. Can he hope that this body, which is to become first a corpse, and then be turned into a mere handful of dust, will one day return to life, and be reunited to the soul, for which it was made? But, who could bring about the reunion of an immortal substance with one that was formerly united with it, but has now seemingly been annihilated? And yet, O man! this is to be thy lot! Thou shalt rise again; that poor body of thine, which is to die, to be buried, forgotten, and humbled, shall be restored to life. Yea, it even now comes forth from the tomb, in the person of our Lord Jesus Christ; our future resurrection is accomplished in His; it is to-day that we are made as sure of our resurrection as we are of our death. This, too, makes part of our glorious Feast, our Pasch!

God did not, at the beginning, reveal this miracle of His power and goodness: all He said to Adam was: ‘In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return to the earth, out of which thou wast taken; for dust thou art, and into dust thou shalt return (Gen. iii. 19).' Not a word, not an allusion, which gives the culprit the least hope with reference to that portion of himself which is thus doomed to death and the grave. It was fitting that the ungrateful pride, which had led man to rebel against his Maker, should be humbled. Later on the great mystery was revealed, at least partially. Four thousand years ago, a poor sufferer, whose body was covered with ulcers, spoke these words of hope: ‘I know that my Redeemer liveth, and in the last day I shall rise out of the earth. And I shall be clothed again with my skin, and in my flesh I shall see God: this my hope is laid up in my bosom (Job, xix. 25-27).'

But, in order that Job's hope might be realized, this Redeemer, of whom he spoke, had to come down to this earth, give battle to death, feel its pang, and finally conquer it. He came at the time fixed by the divine decree. He came, not indeed to prevent us from dying, (for the sentence of God's justice was absolute) but to die Himself, and so take away from death its bitterness and humiliation. Like to those devoted physicians, who have been known to inoculate themselves with the virus of contagion, our Jesus ‘swallowed down death (I.St. Pet. iii. 22)', as the Apostle forcibly expresses it. But the enemy's joy was soon at an end; for the Man-God rose to die no more; and by His Resurrection, He won that same right for us.

Henceforth, then, we must see the grave under a new aspect. The earth will receive our bodies, but only to yield them back again, just as she yields back the hundredfold of the seed that was confided to her. Her great Creator will, at some future day, bid her restore the deposit He entrusted to her. The Archangel's trumpet will give the signal of His command; and, in the twinkling of an eye, the whole human race will rise up from the grave, and proclaim the final defeat of death. For the just it will be a Pasch, a continuation of the Pasch we are now celebrating.

Who could describe the joy we shall experience at such a meeting! Our soul, after, it may be, a separation of hundreds of years, united once more to that essential part of her being, the body! She, perhaps, has been all that time enjoying the beatific vision; but the whole man was not there; our happiness was not complete, because that of the body was wanting; and in the midst of the soul's rapturous felicity, there was a trace still left of the punishment to which man was condemned, when our First Parents sinned. Our merciful God would not, now that His Son has opened the gates of heaven, wait till the general resurrection to reward the souls of His elect with the vision; and yet, these elect have not their whole glory and happiness until that last day comes and puts the last finish to the mystery of man's redemption. Jesus, our King and our Head, wills that we His members shall sing with Him the song that comes from His own divine lips, and that each of us shall say for all eternity: ‘I am living, and I was dead !' Mary, who on the third day after her death was united to her sinless body, longs to see her devoted children united with her in heaven; but wholly, and entirely, soul and body: and this will be, when the tomb has done its work of purification.

The holy Angels, whose ranks are waiting to be filled up by the elect among men, are affectionately looking forward to that happy day, when the glorified bodies of the just will spring up, like the loveliest of earth's flowers, to beautify the land of spirits. One of their joys consists in gazing upon the resplendent Bodies of Jesus and Mary,–of Jesus, who, even as Man, is their King as well as ours, and of Mary, whom they reverence as their Queen. What a Feastday, then, will they count that, whereon we, their brothers and sisters, whose souls have been long their companions in bliss, shall be revested with the robe of flesh, sanctified, and fitted for union with our radiant souls! What a canticle of fresh joy will ring through heaven, as it then receives within itself all the grandeur and beauty of creation! The Angels who were present at Jesus' Resurrection, were filled with admiration at the sight of this Body, which was, indeed, of a lower nature than themselves, but whose dazzling glory exceeded all the splendour of the angelic host together: will they not gladly hail our arrival, after our resurrection? Will they not welcome us with fraternal congratulations, when they see us, members as we are of this same risen Jesus, clad in the same gorgeous robe of glory as He, who is their God?

The sensual man never gives a thought to the eternal glory and happiness of the body: he acknowledges the Resurrection of the flesh as an article of faith, but it is not an object of his hope. He cares but for the present; material, carnal pleasures being all he aspires to, he considers his body as an instrument of self gratification, which, as it lasts so short a time, must be the more quickly used. There is no respect in the love he bears to his body; hence he fears not to defile it; and after a few years of insult, which he calls enjoyment, it becomes the food of worms and corruption. And yet, this sensual man accuses the Church of being an enemy to the body! the Church that so eloquently proclaims its dignity, and the glorious destiny that awaits it! He is the tyrant, and a tyrant is ever an impudent calumniator. The Church warns us of the dangers to which the body exposes the soul; she tells us of the infectious weakness that came to the flesh by original sin; she instructs us as to the means we should employ for making it ‘serve justice unto sanctification (Rom. ri. 19)'; but, far from forbidding us to love the body, she reveals to us a truth which should incite us to true charity, viz: that it is destined to endless glory and happiness.

When laid on the bed of death, the Church honours it with the Sacrament of Extreme Unction, fitting it for immortality by anointing it with holy oil; she is present at the departure of the soul from this the companion of her combats, and from which she is to be separated till the day of the general judgment; she respectfully burns incense over the body when dead; for, from the hour of its Baptism, she has regarded it as something holy ; and to the surviving friends of the departed one, she addresses these inspired words of consolation: ‘Be not sorrowful, even as others, who have no hope (I. Thess. iv. 12)!' But what is this hope? That same which comforted Job: ‘In my flesh, I shall see my God.' Thus does our holy faith reveal to us the future glory of our body; thus does it encourage, by supernatural motives, the instinctive love borne by the soul for this essential portion of our being. It unites together the two dogmas: our Lord's Pasch, and the resurrection of our body. The Apostle assures us of the close relation that exists between them, and says: ‘If Christ be not risen again, your faith is vain; if the dead rise not again, neither is Christ risen again: (I. Cor. xv. 14, 17)' so that Jesus' Resurrection and our resurrection seem to be parts of one and the same truth.

Hence, the sort of forgetfulness, which is now-a-days so common, of this important dogma of the ‘resurrection of the body,' is a sad proof of the decay of lively faith. Such people believe in a future resurrection, for the Creed is too explicit to leave room for doubt; but the hope which Job had, is seldom the object of their thoughts or desires. They say that what they are anxious about, both for themselves and for those that are dear to them, is what will become of the soul, after this life: they do well to look to this; but, they should not forget what religion teaches them regarding the resurrection of the body; by professing it, they not only have a fresh incentive to virtue, but they also render testimony to the Resurrection of Jesus, whereby He gained victory over death, both for Himself and for us. They should remember, that they are in this world only to confess, by their words and actions, the truths that God has revealed. It is therefore not enough that they believe in the immortality of the soul; the resurrection of the body must also be believed and professed.

We find this article of our holy faith continually represented in the catacombs: its several symbols formed, together with the Good Shepherd, quite the favourite subject of primitive Christian art. In those early ages of the Church, when to receive Baptism was to break entirely with the sensuality of previous habits of life, this consoling dogma of the resurrection of the body was strongly urged upon the minds of the neophytes. Any of them might be called upon to suffer martyrdom: the thought of the future glory that awaited their flesh, inspired them with courage when the hour of trial came. Thus we read so very frequently in the Acts of the Martyrs, how, when in the midst of their most cruel torments, they declared that what supported them was the certain hope of the resurrection of the body. How many Christians are there now-a-days, who are cowardly in the essential duties of their state of life, simply because they never think of this important dogma of their faith!

The soul is more than the body; but the body is an essential portion of our being. It is our duty to treat it with great respect, because of its sublime destiny. If we, at present, chastise it and keep it in subjection, it is because its present state requires such treatment. We chastise it, because we love it. The Martyrs, and all the Saints, loved their body far more than does the most sensual voluptuary: they, by sacrificing it, saved it; he, by pampering it, exposes it to eternal suffering. Let us be on our guard: sensualism is akin to naturalism. Sensualism will have it, that there is no happiness for the body but such as this present life can give; and, with this principle, its degradation causes no remorse. Naturalism is that propensity we have to judge of everything by mere natural light, whereas we cannot possibly know the glorious future for which God has created us except by faith. If, therefore, the Christian can see what the Son of God has done for our bodies by the divine Resurrection we are now celebrating, and feel neither love nor hope, he may be sure that his faith is weak; and if he would not lose his soul, let him henceforth be guided by the word of God, which alone can teach him what he is now, and what he is called to be hereafter.

#easter thursday

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web-of-fics · 5 years

Text

Recovery

Requested by: anon (If youre comfortable writing that stuff, could you do a platonic tony x reader one where she is close friend of avengers and has a restrictive eating disorder and tony starts picking up signs about that and confronts her about it and comforts her and reassures he's gonna help her in her recovery? Thank you lots :)

Starring: Tony Stark x she/her reader; fellow Avengers

Fandom: MCU

Chronology: after The Avengers (2012) and Spider-Man Homecoming (2017)

Warnings: reader displays symptoms indicative of restrictive food intake/food avoidance--please read at your personal discretion or stop reading if at any point you find that this narrative does not serve your mental wellbeing

Summary: Reader pays her old friend Tony Stark a visit. He senses something is amiss and reaches out to her about it.

Writer’s note: Anon, I want to take a moment to thank you for submitting this request. You possess great courage for reaching out about something that can be a vulnerable topic and I hope I did it justice. :)

If there are elements of this prompt that resonate with you or anyone else reading this, please be kind to yourself during your personal recovery journey. Some are long and some are short, and some almost seem futile when they just keep going in circles, but no path ever goes in a straight line, and every step is progress.

I also want to mention that I happen to be in a counseling program now, so I will do my best to write an accurate portrayal for this character. However, it is based on my knowledge rather than experience and I am still learning. I do not claim to be an expert on anything and welcome this as an opportunity for constructive criticism as well.

If anyone reading this is in need of professional help, I encourage you to seek it out. You deserve it. Although I cannot provide therapeutic help for anyone on here, I am willing to branch into writing mental health-related fics for those who are interested. <3

Words: 1552

✎_____________________________________________________________________

“Y/n,” Tony said your name more like an announcement than a greeting as you entered the room. Moments before, he’d been addressing the rest of the Avengers about something or other related to impending doom. What else was new? You just hoped it it wasn’t more deep sea fish-looking alien spaceships causing mass destruction. Ever since that whole battle of New York you haven’t quite been the same.

You waved once in acknowledgment of everyone surrounding the expensive-looking lab equipment radiating a neon projection into thin air and made for the kitchen.

“Who is that?” said an unfamiliar voice belonging to an unfamiliar face as you passed by.

“Y/n,” Tony repeated before continuing his science talk.

“Is she an Avenger?”

“No,” Tony said mid-sentence.

“Then,” the person leaned forward from his seat on the couch, “what is she doing here?”

You opened the fridge and poured yourself a glass of the nearest open bottle, not bothering to see what it was. You swirled it mindlessly, watching the exchange like it was something mildly interesting on TV and you were too lazy to search for something more exciting.

Tony turned his full attention on the man.

“She’s a friend. She’s allowed in at her leisure. Open invitation.”

Tony’s mouth turned up in your direction as if laughing at a private joke between the two of you. He made eye contact briefly.

You brought the glass to your lips.

The new guy laughed in bemusement.

Tony took a step toward him. “What’s funny?”

“It took me years to be called an Avenger after we became friends but she can just... strut around our super secret complex whenever she likes?”

Soundlessly, you put the glass on the counter and draw your thick sweater tighter around yourself.

“Ah,” now Tony was smiling, but more in the sense of baring his teeth than enjoying himself. “I see your confusion.” He addressed the man directly. “We’re not friends. We,” he gestured between them, “are coworkers.”

He turned to a screen and waved his palm over it. “And I am giving a presentation. And you are listening to me with your mouth shut,” he enunciated every syllable by the end of his sentence, then shook off the interruption and continued lecturing about his discovery.

You turned away to hide a grin and strolled elsewhere in the complex to leave Tony to his business. You weren’t a fan of stopping in unexpectedly but it had been a particularly tough week. Tuesday had been your father’s birthday. Thursday had been your mother’s.

Outside, you ran into Pepper, exchanged congratulations about their recent engagement, and offered to help prepare for the ceremony if she needed it. She shared that she was on her way to pick up lunch and offered to pick up yours as well. You declined, telling her just ate but you’d take her up on the offer another time, and is she sure she doesn’t need help ordering flower arrangements?

“I’ll let you know,” she said, smiling and waving as she summoned one of the many Stark cars and peeled away.

You shivered in the breeze despite the shining sun helping to warm the earth. Lately it seemed like you were always cold.

You made for the library and decided to pass the time learning what you could from the first book you picked up. Unfortunately for any small talk you ever attempted to make with the Avengers, you were a professor of anthropology and not biochemistry or engineering. You flipped open the book in your hands and read the title page. Maybe learning the gist of quantum physics would help with that.

You were on page 150 when the door opened.

“Knock knock,” Tony said.

You marked your page and stood.

“Tony!”

“Thanks for stopping in,” he said warmly.

“Anytime,” you replied. You grinned. “Open invitation.”

“Always. And,” he added, “you’re invited to stay for dinner.”

You raised your eyebrows. “Am I? Are you sure I’m not intruding on an Avengers-only occasion?”

“He doesn’t know anything,” Tony said, catching your meaning immediately. “He’s new, you’ll have to excuse him. But if he even looks at you during dinner I promise I will kick him out. This is a purely social gathering. No shop talk allowed. You’ll fit right in.”

He walked over, placed his fingers on the book and shifted it slightly in his direction. He nodded once.

“You should sit next to Romanoff. Come on,” he nodded in the direction of the door, “you can help me cook.”

“I don’t remember saying I was available,” you said, following him anyway.

“I know,” he said, “but I also know that you are, in fact, available. I had Pepper check your schedule.”

You cross from one building to another in silence. He holds the door open for you as you reenter the kitchen together and adds, “she also told me you ate lunch when I know for a fact you strolled in here, poured that,” he pointed to the glass of orange juice, still filled and gathering condensation where you left it on the countertop, “and went to read up on a topic you know nothing about for several hours.”

You laughed and picked up the glass. “I knew I forgot something! I sat down with that book and couldn’t for the life of me remember what it was. And hey,” you pointed at him accusingly, “I knew nothing about quantum physics until several hours ago. Now I do know something about it.”

He raised his palms. “I wasn’t questioning your intellect.” He looked pointedly at the glass in your hand. “Your new eating habits, however, are what struck me as odd.”

You looked at him. “I didn’t realize making a sandwich and taking it to the library was considered odd around here.”

“Uh huh,” Tony said and opened the fridge. Every ingredient remained untouched.

You didn’t say anything. His look of concern now felt like the world’s most intense spotlight. You sipped the juice, deciding a few ounces wouldn’t do you any harm and the Vitamin C ultimately made the calories worthwhile.

“So what’s on the menu for tonight anyway? I’m famished and so incredibly curious to learn what someone like Thor considers an acceptable meal.”

Tony shut the fridge and gazed steadily at you.

“Are you? Famished?”

“I—yeah, sure,” you said, uncertain what answer he wanted and growing less sure your eating habits could still slip under his radar. Not that anything ever avoids his notice.

He started gathering ingredients and various pans from the cabinets.

“And not that I don’t appreciate the chance visit, but why drop in today? We haven’t talked in...”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Where were you when... that... all happened?” he asked.

You knew he was talking about the bizarre invasion that destroyed the city beyond anything you’d ever seen. Like many others, you lost your family that day. You still weren’t used to spending their birthdays mourning instead of celebrating.

You shared your experience of that day with Tony as he cooked up a Mediterranean dish and disclosed his own trauma of that day to you. You were shocked to learn he was still recovering from the effects, and his concerns were only mounting.

“New York will never be safe again, will it?” you said quietly.

“Hey,” Tony stopped stirring and held your face gently. “New York is protected as long as we’re around.”

He returned to stirring the sauce. “We can’t save everyone all the time, but helping even one person is always worthwhile.” He pointed the wooden spoon at you.

��Today that person is you.”

You sniffed--pretending you were interested in smelling food instead of fighting back tears--and stuck your tongue out to lick the spoon. It was warm and savory. For once, your mouth didn’t feel like cotton and recoil at the taste of sustenance. Maybe you could stomach this tonight. And maybe another meal after that.

Tony also tasted the spoon, nodded, and set it on the counter.

“I think it’s time we assembled for dinner,” he said.

- - - - - -

As dinner was served, you and Natasha excitedly caught up on recent developments in your lives--hers far more action-packed than yours--but she was just as genuinely interested in listening to you ramble about faculty drama and unruly students.

The new guy introduced himself to you and attempted to crack jokes as often as possible throughout the evening. He grew on you.

Thor ate three platefuls of whatever Tony had concocted--you still weren’t positive what the vegetable-heavy dish was called, but in the grand scheme of things it didn’t really matter.

And you were able to eat several forkfuls of food without resistance. You shrugged your sweater off and hung it on the back of your chair, accepting a cocktail from Tony as he brought a tray of them back to the table, stealing glances at you all the while and smiling to himself.

Although dining with the Avengers was only the first step back to engaging in your regular diet, you felt better knowing you didn’t have to walk that path alone as long as you had Tony Stark by your side. And you never knew him to be a man who abandons a friend in need.

_______________________________________________________________________

Just one more before bed? Click here for a masterlist of my fics!

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diabolikangel158 · 5 years

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What would the S, M, T boys and Kino do/what would their reaction be if their s/o is anorexic (or has another eating disorder)? (If you don't do all of them, can it be S and M or just M boys?)

WARNING: MENTIONS OF ANOREXIA, POSSIBLE TRIGGER. DON’T READ UNLESS YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH IT. I JUST WANT TO REMIND EVERYONE THAT I WRITE THESE BOYS AS REALISTICALLY AS POSSIBLE. PLEASE REMEMBER THEY ARE SADISTIC ASSES (MOST). ———————————————

Shu- He would ignore you for a bit, just to see if you would resolve your problems on your own. When he sees you really starting to get sick, he’ll help you. He’d even take you do the doctor if he feels he needs to. He’ll cuddle you and try to tell you that you’re beautiful just as you are, and that there are healthier ways of improving yourself if that’s what you really want.

Reiji- He would shake his head at you and tell you that there are much better ways of losing weight and keeping it off. He would lecture you about health, meal plans, exercise, etc. He’ll probably even make you a plan because he is plain tired of seeing his lover kill herself.

Ayato- He’d clap you on the back in congratulations. The best must have only the best, and clearly, you are trying your best to live up to his standards. He couldn’t be happier. If you start tasting bad though, he’ll force you to eat more or go to a hospital.

Kanato- He’d probably hit you and act out in other violent ways to make you stop, which is not the best way to help someone with a disorder, but hey, he doesn’t care. You’re hurting what is his and he hates it. Stop.

Laito- He’d laugh every now and then at your ways of trying to control your weight. When it goes to far for him though, he’ll throw in off hand comments about how you should eat more because you’re starting to lose all the womanly curves he loves so much. This is his attempt at trying to make you eat again.

Subaru- The moment he learns that you are malnourished, he would start hovering over you to make sure that you are eating. When you struggle to listen, he acts out violently to try and scare you into eating. Something along the lines of him killing you before letting starvation do the job. He would also make sure to pay extra attention to you, telling you that you look fine just the way you are and loves you for it.

Ruki- He would tell you that he didn’t give you permission to stop eating. It you continue to not eat he’ll punish you. However, punishment is not enough to stop such a disorder. He would end up creating a meal plan and routine for you and making sure you follow it.

Kou- He’d actually encourage your disorder. Yeah, don’t eat that. Here, let me hold your hair back for you. To him, he wants a model thin girlfriend and he deserves it. He won’t worry until you’re on death’s door, and even then, he’ll probably laugh at you on the way to the hospital.

Yuma- He’d force you to eat, telling you that you are starting to look like nothing more than skin and bones. He’d make sure to pick the best fruits and vegetables from his garden to feed you. He’d encourage you to eat them because they are healthy so they will keep you “in shape” the way you want without starving you.

Azusa- He would just ask you if you were happy starving. If you tell him that it’s to control your body shape and that you want to continue, he would let you do it. After all, you say it’s making you happy. However, when you are way to far in, he will inform Ruki and seek advice from him on how to help you get better.

#Diabolik Lovers #diaboliklovers #Shu Sakamaki #laito sakamaki #reiji sakamaki #ayato sakamaki #Kanato Sakamaki #Subaru Sakamaki #Ruki Mukami #Yuma Mukami #Azusa Mukami #kou mukami

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lovenotereminders · 5 years

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Hi, I used to be anorexic some years ago. I'm not drowning again but I feel... tempted ? I mean, I find myself enormous in the mirror again, and my brain is telling me I would be better without this weight (rationally, I know I'm not big and losing this weight would kill me) I spend the two next weeks I'll be alone to eat (no lunch at school or parents at home) and I already I probably won't eat, I can't trust myself, what should I do ?

Eating disorders can be a lifelong issue, and sometimes seemingly small things can trigger relapses. That doesn’t erase the progress you’ve made in recovering before.

My first piece of advice would always to be to seek help - you don’t need to be drowning or to hit rock bottom to deserve or need help, and it’s so much better to get it before you get to that point. Just because you might not be in as bad a place as you’ve been before doesn’t mean you aren’t struggling. Reach out to a professional if you’re able to, even if that’s not going to help with the immediate couple of weeks at hand, it will help nip this in the bud before it can start to get any worse and get you back on track with your recovery. There are also options like speaking to a school nurse, trusted teacher, family member, GP, or another trusted adult like a friend’s parent.

Accountability seems to be something that’s helpful for you judging by what you said in this ask, so it might be worth considering speaking to a trusted friend about what you’re going through, and maybe getting them to ask you what you’ve eaten that day, or coming to spend time with you at mealtimes. The knowledge that you’ll be accountable if you don’t eat enough might help you. You could also use social media to help with this - even just knowing you’ll have to tell your tumblr/twitter followers each day if you haven’t eaten enough might help encourage you.

Identifying any particular triggers and trying to avoid them is always a good call, especially if you have any particular trigger foods. Make sure you have foods in your home that aren’t as triggering and that you don’t feel too bad eating, and that are easy to prepare so the process of making the food doesn’t put you off eating it. Calorie and nutrient dense foods would be good choices - if you’re not sure you can eat a lot, make the things that you do eat things that are going to give your body energy and nourishment - slow-release carbohydrates like potatoes, pasta, rice, and cereals, and things like nuts and seeds are good choices to keep your energy levels up. If you’re struggling to eat something, fruit smoothies and protein shakes might help you. Also consider taking some vitamin and mineral supplements if you aren’t already.

It’s okay if you aren’t perfect at eating whilst you’re going through this rough time - try to congratulate yourself for any achievement, no matter how small it is. If you’re having a hard time, something as minor as eating a small snack or like dry cereal or something is an achievement to be proud of.

Followers: does anyone else have any advice or tips for this anon?

#eating disorders /#disordered eating /#anorexia /#food /#negative /#advice #not positivity #love queueself #Anonymous #answered

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asking-jude · 5 years

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Hi Jude! So I’ve struggled with disordered eating my entire life but recovered and gained 20 lb in a year. I’ve recently started restricting again, not counting calories (which I never did) but like generally cutting down on portions and having a general estimate of how many calories I’m having a day (i have a thinspo blog and am a regular on the tag, but I thought I liked the aesthetic and I wasn’t like girls with a “real” ED. Should I tell my therapist about this?

Hello, thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude and congratulations on working on healing from your disordered eating. The first year of recovery from having an eating disorder, in particular anorexia or bulimia, are when you are the most likely to have a relapse. Right now, you should focus on loving your body for what it gives you every day, life. It breathes, runs, laughs, and takes you places. Instead of going on those websites, perhaps instead, go on a body positive website that embraces your body the way it is. My personal favorite body positive social media account is i_weigh on Instagram. It is run by actress Jameela Al Jamil and always makes me happy and feel good. I highly recommend it. She also has a great interview on youtube about being body positive that you can find here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXzO0z6fmhI .

Definitely talk to your therapist about your thinspo visits. The best way to do therapy is by being completely honest with your therapist about everything, so they can know how to best help you. They will then be able to give you advice what you should do when you are tempted to go on those types of sites. Pro anorexia and bulimia sites are very dangerous and many times encourage unhealthy behaviors. https://www.newsweek.com/dangers-pro-anorexia-web-sites-105601 .

I truly hope that you have a complete recovery and can be an example to other people struggling with this same thing. Also, be sure to check out Asking Jude’s Youtube channel for helpful videos: https://www.youtube.com/c/AskingJude

With love,

Sierra Hicks

Asking Jude needs YOUR help! Donate pocket change here and save our safe space.

#ask #advice #mental health

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jixiani · 5 years

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I’m Fat and that’s OK.

Several years ago I restricted my caloric intake to a point that I gave myself gallstones. I’ve had disordered eating since I was young, as happens when you grow up fat. I remember dieting when I was in middle school, joining gyms with my mom and aunt in sixth grade, eating nothing but a glass of milk and an apple until dinner in an attempt to be acceptable to the kids that teased me. I’ve dieted, tried exercise routines that I took too far because I’m super competitive and obsessive, counted calories and ended up memorizing caloric content of certain foods. I got helpful advice from people that cared about me: drink a glass of water before every meal (which turned into only drinking a glass of water instead of eating a meal), eat less, substitute celery for a snack, dance while standing in line to burn extra calories...I spent a good year as a middle schooler doing the Slimfast thing, or using the same concept but with milk when we couldn’t afford actual diet drinks. I spent my entire high school career never eating lunch, only occasionally snatching fries from my friends or skipping lunch to go to an elective with them followed by a few times a year staying after school for stage crew and conveniently not eating dinner either. I was always fat. I was nicknamed Miss Piggy in grade school, tormented by bullies, left out, beaten up a few times. Once one of the boys threw a bottle of glue at me so hard that I had a bruise the size of a melon on my hip for a month, coincidentally on the same side I get ovarian cysts, I’m sure it has nothing to do with that...When I almost died of Salmonella at ten I was happy not that I had survived but that I had lost thirty pounds. I alternated not eating anything with binging on junk food. Still to this day if I can’t bring myself to eat anything else I know I can eat ice cream or some sort of fried potato or chocolate. The summer before my senior year of high school I rode my bike eight miles every day it wasn’t raining. Sometimes I rode twice that. I rarely brought water with me, it was summer but I figured that it just meant I would lose weight faster. I did lose weight, I dropped five or six dress sizes and suddenly I was acceptable, I was cool, I was desirable. I was also terribly damaged and needy and threw myself into a series of really bad decisions and relationships because I had zero self esteem. I eventually gained all the weight back. In college I almost fainted during a theater rehearsal and was forced to eat a bag of pretzels, it was the only thing I had eaten that day because I had been busy. I learned that I could replace a meal with a candy bar, something to keep my sugar up. I can’t stand people seeing me eat, I would buy things out of the vending machines and hide in little used spaces and eat my candy bar or poptart. Under the stairs, in the garden, in the basement break room...I knew where all the vending machines were and would avoid them if there was someone else there. I kept dieting, I downloaded apps to help track calories and exercises. The machines at the gym gave read outs of how many calories burned. I was congratulated on every bit I lost, every hour spent at the gym, I fed on praise instead of food. My app said I could have 3000 calories, I barely ate 1200 on a regular basis and that was when I was actively trying. But then I’d look at that 1200 and think, I can do better. The hours of exercise built up and I competed with myself to see how little calories I could log. Each teaspoon of sugar is 15 calories (I didn’t have to look that up, I’ll probably remember it when I’ve forgotten my own name), milk is 125 but black coffee is almost nothing, celery is also almost nothing. 1000, 900, 800...the human body burns something like 800 calories just to keep you alive, so if I eat less than that I’m bound to lose weight, right? Well, yes, I did. After a few months of that I had lost a lot of muscle, my body burning itself up to keep me moving, out of breath walking up stairs, obviously I was out of shape despite the diet and exercise…See, when you’re skinny and you do this, people worry about you and you have an eating disorder, but when you’re fat every pound and inch lost is a victory. According to a doctor I was seeing around that time “Fat people don’t have eating disorders.” I was seeing them because I started having gallstone attacks, I had no insurance and couldn’t afford the surgery, they suggested that I “Just stop eating McDonalds” I insisted that I didn’t eat McDonalds, that I didn’t actually eat much of anything, that I had cut out junk food, that I was dieting, that I thought that maybe I was dieting too much and had a problem. This was met with skepticism and I was told that if that was true then I should keep up the good work. For the first time in all my turbulent history with food I was actually afraid of eating. The wrong food or food at the wrong time resulted in pain. Not eating had also resulted in pain. I had done this to myself, I gave myself permission to eat but I was terrified of putting food in my mouth. Finally after twenty one attacks, some lasting over 9 hours I went to the ER. I was developing jaundice, they gave me the option of surgery. It was elective, they were very clear on that, I could go home, of course I might need a new liver, but it was my choice.

After that I stopped dieting. I eat junk food, I eat good food, I eat because I enjoy it, I walk, again because I enjoy it. I gain weight, I lose weight, I have stretch marks, I still remember calories and I despise that everything has calories on the label now. I’ve gone to therapy, I found out why I am obsessive and restrictive (obsessive compulsive personality disorder) and have tools to help. I still sometimes survive on poptarts although that’s being poor/convenience/I genuinely like them not because I’m afraid that people will see me eat real food. I eat salad because I like vegetables almost as much as chocolate not because I’m supposed to in order to be seen as a “good” fat person. I eat fast food and chips and give zero fucks what someone might say about it and know that I’m allowed to eat what I want, just not to over do it. I am still self conscious, I still worry about whether someone will find me attractive, I still have days where nothing fits right and even my own skin feels wrong and I probably always will. To be fair, I had those days when I was a size 12 too. I found doctors that don’t harp on my BMI (which is a bullshit measure, how could I have the same BMI when I was a size 18 as when I was a size 12 and you could count every rib and take out an eye with my hip bone?), I’m not looking forward to finding new ones but hopefully I can find one that won’t try to make me lose weight before treating my strep throat (totally something that happened).

But the thing is, I work with a lot of women and they are always comparing diets. They eat their salads and talk about how much they hurt from the gym and how no, they can’t have that bread it’s all carbs. And I have a few girls (it’s always the girls) who come through my lunch line and ask for sandwiches without bread because they’re trying to lose weight (although I would have sold both my arms to be as skinny as them when I was their age) and I just want to shake them. I want to tell them about how I starved myself for most of my life, how I hid in my bedroom to eat and hated every moment that I ate with other people and never wanted to be the first in line for food, how I made myself sick and how I’m probably heavier because my body wants to hold on to every calorie I begrudgingly gave it. How those “Recommended daily calorie intake” things are low balled and growing kids should be getting more like 3000-3500 calories a day and the unknown damage I’ve done to myself by only getting half that for most of my life. I want to tear down the whole system that makes money off making us feel bad about ourselves and assure them that none of it matters, that you only have one body and one life and you can’t put off living until you reach some unattainable and unsustainable goal. I want to rip those little signs off everything that says how many calories are in things because it has taken me YEARS of purposefully ignoring them before I can eat things without thinking of how many hours I’d have to be on an elliptical to justify eating something. Because there are little girls looking at themselves in mirrors and hating themselves, because there are women that are painfully aware of how many calories are in those things and don’t need a little sign to remind them, because there are women that are still waiting to be thin enough to love themselves and do all the things they want to do but don’t think they can because they’re too fat. Because there are doctors that would rather we die while they treat our fat instead of our illness. Because fat is the worst thing you can be when there are so many worse things. Because you can’t hate yourself into someone you can love. Because the things we pick up from the world around us and the scars that are left from cruel classmates and behaviors that we develop are insidious and last a lifetime and I’m still self conscious about the way I look. No assurances that “a few hundred years ago, yours was the ideal body type” or “boys may not want to date you now, but someday men will want to marry you” or “Real girls have curves” (which excuse me, but all girls are real girls, curves or lack thereof notwithstanding), or encouraging words from lovers will ever change or erase that damage. I still have bad days. I read something in a story the other day about a chubby, older woman from the male character’s point of view and how he liked the way she looked and I realized that I had never considered that someone could be attracted to me. I always figured that people liked me despite my weight, or that they might like it but in a probably creepy, chubby chaser sort of way. It hadn’t occurred to me that my weight might not even be a factor, or that I might be beautiful (I’ve been told I was, but figured that people are just being nice or just saying that because they wanted something) I had honestly thought that everyone I have ever interacted with just put up with my weight or were willing to overlook it. I had to close my kindle app for a while, I couldn’t process anymore of the story because I had been struck momentarily dumb but the realization that people may well find me attractive. It’s incredibly hard to get past those hang ups but I’m getting better and I want everyone else to get better too.

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