#and as i kept reading i could feel myself developing a preference for certain types of books which i liked <3 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

wisteria-lodge · 3 years

Text

snake primary + slightly burnt snake secondary (some kind of built secondary model)

Hi hi hi!! Hope you’re well!! So tell me, is there a way to tell whether you’re a lion or a snake secondary beyond the actual “textbook” definitions? I think I’m pretty burnt, and I’m on my way to fixing that, but it would help to know where I’m supposed to be heading lol

(Btw, I’m a Sam coded Dean girl. I don’t think it’s relevant I just thought that system was both useful and hilarious and I’m so glad you posted that)

I also really liked how that turned out.

I’m pretty sure I’m an improv secondary. I think I’m bad at it, hence the burning, but it’s what comes naturally to me and what I would feel most proud of.

I end up planning for a bunch of things, and in some cases I don’t hate it.

Damning with faint praise.

Like if I’m giving a presentation, I open a word document and write down what I’m gonna say verbatim, even the language tics and pauses and hesitations and such, so it’s like I’m actually living it. Then I repeat the whole thing multiple times, amending it whenever I change something, until I feel like I’ve sort of gone through the experience already.

That is… the weirdest way of hacking an improvisational secondary. Because that’s what’s you’re doing. Improvisational secondaries need to be “in it,” so you get as close to that as possible in the prep work.

Then I scrap the whole thing and improvise when it’s actually happening – the result is often pretty different from the word doc

of course.

but I’m a bit more in my element because I’ve done it already and I know I can do it.

This is honestly a really good strategy to make yourself more comfortable with improvising? I can tell you’re unBurning, this feels very much like… training wheels, to me. Heck, I think I would recommend your method to another burnt Improvisational secondary.

I’m not sure, but I think that sort of thing is more built than improv?

Like, kind of? I’m autism spectum, and when I was younger I built a Bird model to help me feel more confident accessing my Courtier Badger. That’s what this feels like.

But I definitely feel like it’s a model I’ve developed to deal with social anxiety and my fear of failure lol. I didn’t do stuff like that before it got bad, and if I could deal with not doing it, I would.

I hear that.

In most other situations, though, I tend to jump right in and go with the flow. I really don’t think very far ahead. I guess I can if I try, when it’s just a matter of logic, but things like my life plans, my relationships, or even more short-term things like plans with friends or what I’m gonna eat or how I’m gonna deal with a task, I really can’t project into the future. I can’t really make decisions or see a situation clearly until I’m in it. Then I tend to make decisions very quickly, kind of on instinct, or whatever feels right in the moment.

You’re definitely an improvisational secondary.

(Actually maybe that’s a primary thing? I’m a snake primary, but I do have a very prominent lion model, and a bit of badger as well.)

Nah, that’s definitely an Improvisational secondary thing. I am curious about your primary though, because you say you don’t have too much in the way of life plans… and *that* is more where a primary would come in. You feel like a safe Snake to me (that is, a Snake whose people are safe) so there is a little bit of… what now? What is the Lion+Badger model you wear over the top interested in?

Point is, I prefer being spontaneous, even if it’s something important. Making plans and having to stick to them makes me feel trapped. I’m not the most constant person, and I like that about me. I want to have room to grow and change, even for the smallest things.

Completely, entirely fair.

Anyway, I feel like I’ve talked more about limitations and things I don’t want so far, but I guess that’s a burnt thing.

I mean, sure you’re a little underconfident, but you seem pretty far along to me.

I’ve seen you mention what’s really useful in determining a secondary is what you actually enjoy, so here goes. I like being in the moment, and I like being able to come up with ideas and solutions on the fly, by taking in the situation and using it to my advantage.

That’s very Snake secondary sounding language.

I think there’s a bit of a separation in my mind between “people things” and “being clever things.”

For “being clever things” (like… I don’t know, an escape room, a problem with an administration, a paper I have to write, video games, some kind of mystery…) I like to rely on being observant and quick-thinking, and if I can find loopholes or outsmart whoever I’m facing to win in an unexpected way, that’s even better (but really more for my ego than anything else, I guess finding the “normal” solution is okay, as long as you get there, it’s just less fun).

Hilarious. Yeah, you sound like a *confident* Snake secondary to me.

For “people things” (drama with family or friends, or if someone is being an ass, or if someone comes to me for advice on interpersonal things), I prioritize being straightforward and honest. If I have time to plan or if I’m giving advice, I might come up with something more sneaky and elaborate, but if I’m in the moment, I’m most likely to be really confrontational, stubborn and unyielding, even if it makes things more difficult for me.

Hmm. I am reading this as a Snake who likes being Neutral - especially those words “stubborn” and “unyielding.” There’s a reason Neutral Snakes are called “the unmovable object.”

If I catch myself, I try to avoid it, but that just means staying silent and removing myself from the situation – I can’t bring myself to make compromises if it feels like I’m betraying myself.

Okay, now that’s sounding more Lion.

To be clear, that’s almost exclusively with people I’m close to, or who are supposed to “know me”.

Oh okay. This is your secondary interacting with your primary. Actively lying to and misrepresenting yourself to Your People would be immoral to a Snake Primary.

With friends who aren’t in my inner circle, or acquaintances, or complete strangers, or authority figures, I might get upset internally if I’m perceiving a slight or injustice, but I can keep up the mask I need no problem. That being said, I don’t have a lot of patience for drama, so if whatever it is can’t be quickly resolved with a convenient lie or saying what works for me in a way they won’t mind hearing, I just stick to what I’m actually thinking and/or my neutral state (I’m not sure it’s accurate to use snake language here, but it feels like it and it’s convenient).

I think it’s highly appropriate and accurate. All that is reading very Snake.

I’ve seen a bunch of people say lion and snake secondaries are sort of at odds with each other, but I don’t really get the contradiction between them yet (as in, I don’t see why people can’t be both those “contradictory” things at the same time). I do mask a lot, and I enjoy it – I think it’s rewarding, and honestly it just makes sense – it’s what works best in that moment, and it feels natural to shift that way. I just don’t feel it’s a misrepresentation. The whole “it’s not cheating, it’s being clever” thing just feels a little too dishonest. Cheating is cheating, no need to be so smug about it. It’s not wrong, though, at least not always. If it’s hurting someone who doesn’t deserve it, then it’s wrong (might still do it if the alternative is worse, but that doesn’t mean it’s suddenly an ethical choice to make, it just means I’m okay with being immoral in that instance).

All that being said, I don’t think masking is being dishonest about yourself. I don’t think anything that comes out of my mind is “not me”, it just doesn’t work that way. The personas I have with different groups or people in my life are all genuine, it’s just that different sides of me are brought up. And if I’m acting in a way that’s actually not genuine, that mask is still my creation – if someone else were to come up with a mask for that same situation, it would be different, because their mind works differently. Everything you do is a reflection of yourself, and even if you were to try your best to be honest all the time, you’d never be able to show your true and complete self to someone else. You can’t even see that yourself.

Oh man. This is why I love writing these, and this is what I mean about Lion and Snake being so incomprehensible to each other. Because Lions fundamentally do not think this way, every word here is dripping with Snake.

It might be helpful to think of Lions as static. That’s how Shakespeare (who definitely seems like a Snake secondary…) writes about them, and he sees them as sort of tragic. Lions really do have a “core” persona that feels more true than all the others, and they really do exist in it as much as they possibly can. And feel good and moral about doing that.

And a mask’s point may be to deceive or to gain something, but being blunt and straightforward can be used in that way too.

You are literally thinking of “common Lion secondary presentation” as another useful mask, and it’s so Snake, and so fantastic.

I’m thinking this sounds more snake than anything else, so I’ll focus on why I thought I might be a lion too now. I guess the reason I’m on the fence is because these two are presented as “either you think the only way is through, or you’re looking for a way around it”, and I’m not comfortable saying I favor either.

That is *a* way to think about the two secondaries. But those are symptoms, not causes. The reason a Lion secondary feels that the only way out is though is because a Lion secondary must be themselves, or die.

My first thought was to say that I get more satisfaction from finding ways around a problem because it makes me feel cleverer and it’s more fun, but that’s because I’m zeroing in on certain types of situations (people giving me some intellectual challenge, debates, or video games). But there were also a lot of times where I stuck it out and kept going with pigheaded stubbornness, and got a lot more satisfaction out of that (physical challenges like obstacle courses, disagreements with my parents, winning over certain people).

Here’s where I think the confusion is. You’re a Snake secondary, and one of your masks looks very Lion. Note how you talk about using this “pigheadedness” with certain people, who you know will respond well to it.

In fact, I remember my father telling me one day “yeah, you’re never here to compromise, you just make decisions and inform us, and keep going while you wait for us to accept reality,“ and I actually can’t describe how proud and smug I was about that. Kind of insufferable, but I just get so euphoric when people see right through me and show they get me, even if it’s about the more annoying or bad parts of me.

I think that’s just a human thing. The mortifying ideal of being known is how you feel loved.

I remember a conversation I had with my ex after we broke up where she cut right through all my bullshit and discarded my whole mask to get right to my inner self and the core of certain issues, and even though I was still mad and upset, and kind of embarrassed that she could see me being vulnerable, I couldn’t help but be happy about it, because I felt known.

Yeah. <3

I don’t interact much with people outside of my inner circle, so I can’t tell if it’s entirely specific to them, but I really vibe with the “honesty is their strength” part of being a lion. That’s why my people trust me and rely on me so much, because even though they know how sneaky I can get and how fun I think tricking people is, they also know I default to telling the truth and saying what’s on my mind more often than not, because they’re my people.

I think that, as a Snake primary who mostly only interacts with Your People, you’re in a kind of unusual position. I know that the presentation of a Snake who feels safe can be blunter, can be more Lion-y. My experience with Snakes is… yeah, sometimes I know I’m being manipulated, or having my buttons pushed in a specific way. But I’m fine with it, because I’m one of their people, and I know they would never hurt me. That’s where the certainty is coming from.

Then again, I also have a “it’s not lying unless they’re entitled to the truth” attitude with basically everyone else. I just don’t think some people deserve to know me that way.

snaaaake

(lions are going to take the truth and PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE with it, and if you can’t deal that’s YOUR PROBLEM)

And “ideally”, as in, if I didn’t have anxiety and a bunch of other issues, I still don’t think I’d just be neutral all the time. Sounds boring. And inconvenient.

Snake secondaries are great.

Ahhh, should I even post this? I feel like my whole thought process before this moment of introspection was “so I really vibe with snake, but I’m also hotheaded and a bit of a bitch, so I MUST be a lion, right” lmao. I just think I’m a straight up double snake at this point.

Yep.

Oof, a long way from my original lion bird sorting back when I first discovered SHC hahaha

Yeah, I used to think I was a Badger Bird.

(For the record, I’m writing this in a word doc, and it’s almost 2k now. I haven’t checked how long these normally are, so I’m really sorry if this is too long!!! I’m like physically incapable of being concise I’m so sorry)

Sometimes I edit or re-arrange these slightly for a cleaning reading experience, but I’m having fun. I was engaged all the way though.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for doing these!! They’re super interesting and I’m sure it helps people a lot, and also it’s really cool to see how different people think. I’m a socially-challenged writer, so it’s useful to have that bit of insight into other people’s minds. Love ya <3 <3 <3

#sortinghatchats #snake primary #snake secondary #double snake #built model #sortme #wisteria sorts

32 notes · View notes

dear-yandere · 4 years

Text

☽ darling, don’t leave me.

yandere! jojos + dio. general headcanons. tw: mentions of physical abuse, gaslighting, confinement, and noncon (dio’s part).

art credits: rosuto, ぴの, wW 武 Ww, unknown, suan, tumbleweed.

Jonathan Joestar is obsessive.

A true gentleman, Jonathan knows better than to let his feelings stray from his control. Still, he’s never been one to pursue love, so these feelings are entirely new. He courts his darling like any other self-respecting man of his time, allowing them the space to choose whether or not they desire him too. He doesn’t take being turned down personally as he’s perfectly content with merely being by his darling’s side. Even seeing them fall for another man is something he cannot force himself to intervene in; every smile and laugh not directed at him hurts far worse than any punch he’s ever received, but Jonathan thrives in seeing his darling happy and carefree.

Clingy as he may be, he isn’t above taking a few of darling’s possessions should the opportunity present itself. A head band or hair tie here or there, perhaps a pair of gloves or a hat his darling is sure to not miss — Jonathan is surprisingly adept and subtle at stealing and keeping these little trinkets. Darling may notice a few missing possessions, but it’s nothing Jonathan can’t laugh off as a misplaced item and easily replace with something new and extravagant. Money isn’t a problem, especially when it comes to his sweetheart. If it means they’ll stay by his side — or even look his way as more than a friend or confidant — he’ll give his darling the world.

Overbearing and well-meaning as he is, even gentleman aren’t without their flaws.

“You don’t have to feel the same. All I ask is that you don’t leave me.”

Joseph Joestar is protective with a hint of possessiveness.

Acting much more like an older brother rather than a lover — similar to his grandfather Jonathan — Joseph is hyper-aware of anyone that might hurt his sweetheart. He’s not sure how it came to be this way, really; it’s a first for him to not know even his own feelings. His darling is easy enough to read, and perhaps that’s what got him into this situation, where even the slightest brush of skin against his or the mere sound of them saying his name sends his nerves on edge. He likes the attention they give him when he acts like a brotherly figure; there’s no need to worry about unwanted feelings developing between the pair. At least, darling doesn’t have to worry, because Joseph falls in love despite his precautions. It isn’t until a competent rival appears that Joseph becomes rather intensely possessive and competitive — a rival like Caesar.

He hates losing, especially when he had his eyes set on the goal first. The moment a suave man like Caesar sets their sights on Joseph’s darling, he’ll turn snarky, snappy with even his darling. It’s a brutally stark contrast to the playful, chipper demeanor he usually bears, but it’s easy for darling to play it off as him having a bad day — until he doesn’t relent. His grip is harsher these days, his tone more grating and condescending whenever darling shows interest in his rival. At some point, he’ll lash out whenever they show interest in any man other than him.

If his insecurities and one-sided love are kept unchecked, he has no qualms with cutting his darling’s connection to anyone he deems a threat.

“Of course I’m jealous! You’re mine! You need me!”

Jotaro Kujo is manipulative with a hint of sadism and lucidity.

With a cool and collected exterior, it’s easy to convince his darling that everything they believe is wrong. Even a lionhearted lover will doubt themselves; or rather, Jotaro would seek an individual like this out. He’s used to women and men swooning over his good looks and alluring physique, though he doesn’t care much for the attention. Even when he degrades and admonishes his admirers, they fawn and swoon over him — it’s nothing short of disgusting, really.

His ideal darling — the only type of person he’d seek out, rather than let come to him — is someone with a steel heart, someone hellbent on rejecting his words as law, someone who puts up a fight. Degrading and humiliating them will be a treat, a fun little challenge to come home to. He doesn’t want them to enjoy this in the slightest; he wants them to slowly break, to slowly doubt every piece of information they hear unless it comes from his mouth. Even the death of a loved one will seem surreal, exaggerated, fake unless he says so himself, and even then he won’t allow his darling that sort of luxury.

Once he’s tied his darling down (with a ring, and with ropes), they won’t see very much of him. As he pursues his career in Marine Biology, he’s often away on business trips, his only excuse for long periods of absence being “it’s too dangerous”, or some slew of insults thrown his darling’s way. He isn’t fond of divulging much of his personal life with them even if they are the love of his life; to him, secrets come hand-in-hand with relationships. Darling’s life is in danger simply by association; it’s best to act as if they don’t exist. Still, that doesn’t mean he’ll let them slip through his fingers. When he wants something, he’ll get it even if it’s eventual.

Darling was doomed the moment he found an inkling of interest in taming them.

“Don’t look so scared when I’m around. I shouldn’t have to repeat myself.”

Josuke Higashikata is protective with a hint of delusion.

Sweet and compassionate as he may be, Josuke isn’t immune to feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, and obsession. He rationalizes these feelings as merely being protective of a good friend of his, but it’s not until his friends point out that what he’s feeling is love that he truly understands why his heart pitters and patters like raindrops when his darling’s around. He completely understands if darling doesn’t return his feelings — these things take time, he’ll say — but he doesn’t take kindly to jealousy of any sort. A mere mention of liking someone else will have him moping and distancing himself, but he’ll stay around just enough to ensure his beloved’s protection.

Josuke wouldn’t fare well with a darling who’s familiar with getting under his skin. Even an insult or two to his hair isn’t enough for Josuke to give up on his one-sided love; if anything, it’s an opportunity. Crazy Diamond has the power to heal after all, and when Josuke’s emotions run away from him, his darling may end up with more than a few cuts and bruises. Bones will be shattered, blood will be spilled, and apologies will fumble past trembling lips as darling’s abuser fixes them up — as if nothing ever happened. The only trace of evidence are the tears in Josuke’s eyes and the excuses on his lips — this easily becomes the norm. Both he and his darling will constantly tread along eggshells, the former worrying that his actions destroyed any chance of a relationship and the latter worrying the next time they step out of line, they’ll die.

But Josuke wouldn’t let his sweetheart die, no. He can heal whatever wounds they may receive, even its its from him. He’s a platonic yandere, at worst, and an overbearingly violent one at best.

“Please don’t scream. People will think I did something terrible to you.”

Giorno Giovanna is manipulative with a hint of protectiveness and lucidity.

This soldato is cunning and intuitive, a natural-born leader with charisma rivaling his true father’s. He turns heads wherever he goes, inspires everyone he meets — it’s almost laughable how easy it is to twine people around his fingers. As a mere Passione soldato, he isn’t much threat to his darling, but as don, any hope of escaping his suffocating love is slashed. His control reaches farther than his darling can ever tread, and although he understands why his little coccinella would go so far as to run away, the thought of being without them is inconceivable. How can he protect them if they’re not at his side? Without him, darling could fall in love with the wrong person, someone who wears a mask and will hurt them once they’ve settled down together; without him, darling could fall in love with a monster. His step-father was like that, and he’d made Giorno’s childhood a living hell. So how could he let his darling tread that same path?

With a well-behaved darling, the don is a fairly normal lover... once they get past all the bodyguards and paranoia-filled lifestyle. Unlike his father, Giorno is not sadistic in the slightest; rather, seeing his darling in physical or emotional turmoil hurts him. He’s more apt to manipulate them in subtle, gentler ways rather than through brute force or threats. After giving them a new identity, he’ll keep them someplace safe, a private island off the coasts of Italy, somewhere heavily guarded and devoid of life except for his beloved and their bodyguards. It’ll be lonely, he’s sure, so he’s certain to visit whenever he has an ounce of free time. But even he can’t replace one’s need to feel social, safe, normal. That’s just the price his lover has to pay as the future spouse of a mafioso.

If he lived a different life, there’d be no need for all of this. Giorno’s love is bittersweet at best, but that realization isn’t enough to let his darling go. They need him, perhaps just as much as he needs them.

“I really can’t take it when you cry like that… smile for me, alright? You’re so pretty when you smile.”

DIO is sadistic, manipulative, and possessive.

Love has never done much for him, not in the way feeling powerful has. He prefers ruling over others rather than giving someone the ability to rule with or over him. His darling is nothing more than a plaything, at best — something to pass the time, something to sate his curiosity. Just how far can he push them before they crumble between his fingers and shatter like a precious gemstone? He takes pleasure in testing these boundaries, humiliating his darling as if that will help him understand this odd feeling humans call love. It’s possible for him to truly fall in love with his darling, but they will never take priority over his desire to end the Joestar bloodline. Perhaps, once he accomplishes this goal, his darling will be something nice to come back to, something stagnant and forever his.

He’ll go to lengths to break his darling, over and over again, see how much torture they can withstand before they realize that crying out or begging gets them nowhere. Will they hide their defiance under a facade of obedience, or will they truly break? It’s all an experiment to Dio, but either way, he’ll force them to be his little sex slave — sometimes, if they’ve behaved particularly nasty, darling will be the sex slave of his devoted followers, a little reward for being such wonderful subordinates.

Apart from sexual torture, he’s keen on testing his darling on tidbits of information from the books he reads — completely mundane and often vague questions designed to make his little slave fail. It’s just a precursor, really, because he likes seeing them shine with determination only for it to shatter before their eyes. Punishments always follow, usually humiliation or sexual assault of some sort; though if he’s in a particularly bad mood, he won’t shy away from physically hurting his darling. All the better to break them with.

It’s a miracle if darling survives this little game of his, but if they do, he’s certain to keep them around for far longer than he originally anticipated. Being immortal can get so boring, you see, and what’s the fun of bottomless money and endless casual sex if he can’t keep an entertaining and worthy slave here or there?

“Tell me you love me as I fuck you into the mattress.”

2K notes · View notes

blarfkey · 3 years

Text

Writing Tag Game

I've been tagged by like ten people for this so thank you everyone who tagged me! @redinkofshame, @cartadwarfwithaheartofgold, @kunstpause Consider yourself tagged if you see it and like it.

How many works do you have on Ao3?

38!

What's your total Ao3 wordcount?

702,253. I would love for it to be more but I am a slow writer lol

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. Woodstock 83 --3480 Kudos

Xmen fic set after Apocalypse where Peter keeps getting these golden opportunities to tell Magneto/Erik that he's his son, and keeps chickening out at the last minute.

I know I wasn't the only one who walked out of that movie theater pissed that Peter came so close to admitting this secret since the previous movie and never did, so I wrote a fix it.

2. The Sun Will Shine When Morning Comes -- 2567 Kudos

The sequel to Woodstock 83, told in Magneto's POV where he's coming to terms with being a father while he cares for his sick son. This is probably my fav X-Men fic I've ever written because I loved having these two figure out what their father/son relationship would be like long after Peter has grown up and how Erik has wanted a child again but doesn't know how to process having one.

3. Jail Break -- 2488 kudos

The first Peter & Magneto fic I ever wrote and the first fic I ever published! This takes place post Days of Future Past and it shows how Magneto could have found out that Peter was his son and build that reluctant connection. Peter has a lot of freaking out about whether or not he wants to accept a supervillain as his father.

4. Clowns to the Left of Me, Jokers to the Right -- 2396 Kudos

The third part of the series Jail Break Started. For some reason this is the most popular one shot in the series. In it, Peter has a huge fight with Magneto and then gets kidnapped by The Bad Guys and doesn't think his dad will come bail him out. But of course he does! And murders everyone in the compound to do it.

5. Two Lonely Souls in a Fish Bowl -- 2361 Kudos

The direct sequel to Jail Break where Magneto keeps showing up in the dead of night to visit Peter as they both figure out how they want this weird parent relationship to be.

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Always! Even if it takes me a while. I love the interaction and I want people to feel noticed and appreciated.

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Um, i don't really like angst. I think it would be Spark Me Up for Xmen. Professor X/Magneto angst with my first ever written smut. It was a remix of another person's fic for an exchange and they had an angsty ending so I kept it.

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

The last installment in the Jail Break/Come Together Series -- Shine On You Crazy Diamond. In it, Peter's little sister Wanda comes into her powers and they go through a lot of pain before she settles into them. It ends with Peter's mom coming to stay with them and her, Peter, Wanda, Erik, and Charles becoming one big family. I've had several people tell me it made them cry lol.

Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you've written?

I'll write something like a set of characters from one fandom in the set up/premise of another fandom/piece of media. Like Dear Fen'harel is a crossover of Dragon Age with an old book called Dear Daddy Long Legs. But I don't combine different universes of different fandoms, it's too weird for me and I can't buy into it.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

took over and finished. We have an AU in our plans but so many other fics keep getting in the way! Sort of? I wrote the first part of a Solas/Maria/Varric series that@cartadwarfwithaheartofgold

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I did receive a weird, angry message on one of my Xmen fics because they didn't like a fight that had happened between two characters but didn't read till the end to see it resolved so the bitched at me for the fact that the fight was mean? Which made no sense. But other than that, nope.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes! Though it's not as much as my non-smut. I didn't write smut for so many years because I didn't think I knew how. I tried to write some out a few years ago and kept it to myself until one of my tumblr friends read it and said it was really good! So shout out to @salexectria, you're the reason why I write and publish smut!

I write all kinds of smut, from dub con to vanilla, from f/f, m/m, and ace spectrum characters. Its all about the characters and what would fit them/the situation more than it is about a specific type of sex.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

If I have, I don't know about it.

What's your all time favourite ship?

Ummmmmm, that's hard. I don't think I have an all time favorite. I will say that Charles/Erik (Professor X/Magneto) was my first ever "otp" that I got completely obsessed with. Actually, I have never been that obsessed with another pairing. I write pairings that I enjoy or that I want to see a certain dynamic from, but that doesn't make them my favorite above all others.

I do really love Solas/Cadash and I prefer Solas rare pairs like Solas/Dorian, Solas/Cassandra, and Solas/Josephine over Solavellan.

What's a WIP you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

I will never not finish a WIP. I hate it when it happens, even though I know IRL gets in the way, but it's so frustrating for me as a reader. So I will finish all my fics. However, I am very slow and very busy so it may take a while.

What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue and character voice. I also am really good at developing friendships and platonic bonds or the slow burn get-to-know-you part of a romance. Apparently I write good smut, though its very hard for me lol.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Descriptions and transitions and pacing.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

The only thing that bothers me is if they never put in a translations somewhere and you have to just kind of guess. I don't care about reading something in another language and having a footnote or a note at the end of the chapter. I do it all the time in DF. I do think that putting "said in {insert language here}" is a bit of a cop out.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

The first ever fandom I wrote for and never published was Harry Potter at 13. I wrote a story about a muggle neighbor who had to emergency babysit the baby Weasleys and was shocked by the magic. But I tried to submit it to a website that only published fic by application and it didn't get in and I was like "whatever, I'll just read fic" and then didn't touch fanfic again until I was . . .24 or 25 lol. I mostly focused on my original fiction.

What's your favourite fic you've written?

I can't possibly have one favorite. I do really love my Peter fics, especially The Sun Will Shine When Morning Comes. I love my ACO fic with Apollo!Alkibiades. I love my Solas/Cassandra friendship fic Time Does Not Bring Relief. And I love Dear Fen'harel, of course, because it has so many things I wanted to change for Solavellan or didn't find, as well as a good analysis of myself and how I deal with anger and sorrow and homesickness, ect. through Ellana.

#asks #fanfic #writing #dear fenharel

8 notes · View notes

isitgintimeyet · 4 years

Text

Just A Friend

Hope you are all having a good weekend. I’m the only one awake, the sun is shining and I’m enjoying my coffee in peace and quiet. Bliss!

Thank you for the continuing support for this story. it’s lovely reading (and re-reading) all the comments.

Hope you enjoy this next chapter.

Thanks to @wickedgoodbooks for the beta.

AO3

Previous Chapter

Chapter 3: From Relationship To Release

You know, I’m a great believer in relationships. Relationships come in all shapes and sizes — take my relationship with Geillis, for example.

I met Geillis on my first day of postgraduate training at Glasgow Royal Infirmary. I was spending three months in orthopaedic surgery and she was just finishing her training as a theatre nurse. We somehow kept bumping into each other at social gatherings and found we had many things in common — a childish sense of humour, an intolerance of pomposity and snobbishness, and a love of cheesy rom-com movies.

From there, our friendship snowballed, and for many years now, I’ve called her my best friend. Even the arrival of a fiancé and her forthcoming nuptials haven’t lessened our relationship in any way. Our careers have developed in parallel too. So when a vacancy came up for a senior theatre sister at the Children’s hospital, I didn’t hesitate to recommend her for the post. We work well together. For all her joking around and flippant comments she is damn good at her job. And I love her.

I don’t think I love many people. I’m very fond of a lot of people, mainly my friends. But love? No. And certainly not the romantic, live-our-life-together type of love.

I see how it can work. I look at Robbie’s parents, for example. The way they are there for each other, supporting through all the worries with their son, their comforting touches and reassuring glances.They are a solid unit and I admire that.

I also see the way that Geillis’ face lights up when she talks about her fiancé, Dougal, and the way he watches her when we are all together in the pub. And I think it’s great, I really do.

But it’s not something that I’m seeking out for myself. I don’t think I’m cut out for that type of relationship. I don’t think there is someone out there, my soulmate, to spend the rest of my life with. And I definitely don’t think that I need someone else to complete me, make me whole.

That doesn’t mean that I’m a hermit. Far from it, in fact. I do date and enjoy it, but try to steer clear of any where-is-this-relationship-going type discussions.

It may well be to do with my childhood. I’ll admit, I’ve not had the most normal upbringing and that could have coloured my view of happily-ever-after love.

I’ve never been part of a conventional family unit. Well, I mean, I was for the first four years of my life —until my parents died in a car accident. And, at that age, how much can you remember? I do have some vague memories — rough tweed fabric against my cheek as my father’s strong arms lift me up, the smell of ‘Miss Dior’ perfume as my mother’s soft hands caress my cheek, the sound of laughter as we dance around the living room to Michael Jackson. But these are only fleeting recollections, ephemeral, gone in an instant.

All my real childhood memories are centred around one man — my uncle, Lambert Beauchamp. He, unhesitatingly, took me in when my parents died and became my guardian, my parent, my rock. He and I were a team, and I miss him every single day.

He was a confirmed bachelor, and I don’t mean that in a euphemistic way. He lived his life by his own rules and if he had been gay, he would have seen no reason to hide it. No, he had no need for romantic entanglements, no complicated relationships, no messy sexual encounters. He had two loves in his life — me and his work. He was a professor at the University, teaching archaeology and could, quite happily, get lost for hours in the bowels of the archives, studying ancient Somarian drinking vessels.

Growing up he was my role model, my yardstick against which to measure boys.

And over time, I've come to realise that I've always found myself attracted to the type of men which have certain ‘Lambert-esque’ qualities. Which leads me, I suppose, to Frank.

Just like my uncle, he’s a professor at the university. In history — more recent than Lamb’s studies only three hundred years ago, not three thousand. He’s single minded about his research, like my uncle, and he cares deeply about me, which makes me feel bad because I don’t feel the same way. Of course, I care about him, just not enough for a serious relationship that’s going somewhere.

All of this is a long winded way of saying what I’ve actually known for a while now... I need to break up with Frank.

*************

I’m just contemplating whether to brave the canteen or grab a sandwich from the hospital shop, when there’s a knock at my office door and a hand appears brandishing a couple of distinctive Gregg’s paper bags. This hand is closely followed by the rest of Geillis, who plonks herself down on one of my visitor chairs. A wonderful aroma of freshly baked goods wafts across the desk. My stomach rumbles in anticipation.

“Steak bake or sausage roll?” she asks as she places both bags on my desk, although she knows my preference.

“Ooh, how did you know I was just thinking about lunch?” I pick up one of the bags, the oozing gravy on its surface being a clear giveaway.

“We’ve been friends fer long enough,” Geillis smiles. “I ken what ye’re thinking. In fact, ye’ve something on yer mind right now. No’ a work thing. C’mon, spill.”

I swear, it’s uncanny. In the Middle Ages Geillis would undoubtedly have been tried as a witch. Her powers of deduction are that good.

I say nothing for a moment and focus on my lunch, blowing ineffectually on the hot meat filling.

“Weel? I’m waiting and ye ken I’m no’ a patient woman, Claire. This is tae do wi’ Frank, is it no’? Are ye planning on dumping him?”

See what I mean? Witchcraft.

“You make it sound so harsh. But I can’t carry on with Frank, he’s investing more into this… this—“

“Ye can say the word, Claire. Relationship… R… E…—“

“I know, I know. But I have to do something. I know Frank wants more than I want to give in this ‘relationship’.” I enunciate clearly just to make the point to Geillis. I’m not afraid of the word… I can say it.

“Anyway,” I add casually as I dab at the pastry crumbs with my finger. “I thought you’d be pleased. I know you’ve never liked him.”

Geillis tuts. “‘Tis no’ a matter of like. We jes’ havena got anything in common. He’s awfa serious and ye dampen yer personality down when ye’re with him. I’ve seen ye, ye canna deny it.”

I try to interject, but Geillis ignores my sounds of protest and carries on talking. “But it’s no’ jes’ Frank. Ye do this all the time, Claire. Whenever anyone tries tae get serious, ye run. What is wrong wi’ wanting a relationship anyway?”

“I have my work, I have my friends. I date, I go out with men, I have a good, if sporadic, sex life… and a trusty dual speed vibrator. What’s wrong with me wanting my life the way I want it?”

Geillis crams the end of her sausage roll into her mouth and chews vigorously for a minute. I pass her a paper serviette for her greasy hands. She gathers up the flaky pastry crumbs that have settled on her chest, wraps them in the serviette and pops it neatly in the bin.

“Ok, I get it. I’ll back off. But all I’m saying is dinna close yerself off tae the possibility of a real relationship, aye?”

Knowing she's gone as far as she can with this topic, she gets up and heads for the door. “Nae rest fer the wicked. Oh, and Claire, jes’ one thing…”

She pauses dramatically. “Dinna forget… ye’ve gravy on yer chin.”

And with that she disappears, leaving me with a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach caused by more than the calorie ridden pasty.

I am just settling down to dictate some patient letters when Frank texts to suggest dinner at my favourite Italian restaurant. This isn’t good. It’s a lovely restaurant, the kind of restaurant where special occasions are celebrated— birthdays, anniversaries, declarations…

So I have to lie… no, not lie, fib. I text back pleading a heavy day in theatre — aching feet, headache and so on.

His concerned response makes me feel bad. No need for fibbing, I do feel pretty shitty now. However, it also makes me more resolved to do what I have to do. I can’t drag this out, causing him more and more hurt. So, I invite him to my flat this evening instead.

*******

I have a final glance in the mirror in my bedroom. I do actually look a bit worn out. I haven’t really put any makeup on, just a touch of mascara and a slick of lipstick, which I have already managed to chew off.

My hair is, as per usual, a bit wild and untamed. I have a bathroom shelf full of products promising smooth and manageable curls, but have yet to find one that actually delivers on their promises. I tuck my hair behind my ears, pinch my cheeks to try to look a little less pale and head to the front door.

Frank is as punctual as ever. Unlike other things in my life, he’s always delivering on his promises. Which makes me feel even worse. I have nothing to accuse him of, no unacceptable behaviour— apart from wanting more than I’m prepared to give. That old cliché, “it’s not you, it’s me”, really is appropriate here. I’m going to try not to actually say those words though. He deserves more than that.

And so I take a deep breath and open the door. He stands there expectantly with two bottles of wine, one red and one white, in his hands.

“I wasn’t sure what we would be eating, so I got both just in case,” he volunteers as he walks in and leans close to me for a kiss.

I give him my cheek and make a fuss of taking the bottles from him to deflect my lack of affection.

He follows me into the lounge. I’m sure he notices that I make no offer to pour the wine. I set the wine on the coffee table and perch on the end of the settee.

Frank takes my hands. “Claire, darling, are you ok? Has it been a rough day?”

I shake my head. “It’s not been the best. Frank… I…”

I can’t even look at him now. I take a deep breath and plunge in. “Frank, I… the thing is… I don’t know how… I think we should stop seeing each other.” The words tumble out of my mouth like a deluge.

I finally look up as Frank releases my hands and walks over to the window. He stands still, his back to me, as if just taking in the view. Then he turns to face me, staring intently at me, scrutinising my face as if looking for a glimmer of hope. The silence is unbearable.

“Frank, it’s not you—“ I try to fill the void, by resorting to stale old clichés after all.

“Spare me that platitude.” He snaps at me. “We’re not fifteen. This was… is… serious to me, Claire.”

Frank now moves to sit next to me. His hand rests on my thigh, his fingers lightly drawing circles on my jeans. I watch for a moment. Am I supposed to move it? Should I remind him he no longer can touch me like this?

His voice softens. “I lo—“

“No, please, Frank. Don’t say it. Please don’t. You are such a nice man. You don’t deserve this.” Gently, I lift his hand and place it on his leg.

“Then don’t do it. Tell me, Claire, what do I have to do? What changes do I have to make for us to move forward? I’ll do it, tell me. We can make this work, I know.”

What do I say now? Anything I say will only hurt him more. All I can do is apologise and try to explain.

“I am sorry, really. It’s just, well, you want more than I can give. You think about a future—“

“And what’s wrong with that? That’s what most people want, Claire. Planning for a future together— a home, a family… our family.” Frank’s getting angry now, raising his voice.

“Please, I’m trying to explain. You want a future life together and I can’t give you that. I’m sorry that I’m hurting you.”

“Is there someone else? Is that what this is all about?”

I’ve been trying to remain composed, to give Frank the explanation he deserves. But this question annoys me beyond belief, as if I have to be one half of a couple.

“I can’t believe you asked that. No, it’s not about another man. I can’t be what you want me to be and that’s it.”

He stands up now, right in front of me. His hands are down by his sides, so tightly clenched into fists that his knuckles are white against the slight tan of his skin. For a fleeting nanosecond, I wonder if he is going to hit me. But, of course not, he’s just trying to gain control of himself.

“That’s it, then.” The words are spat out with venom.

“You know I’m sorry.”

He shrugs dismissively. “Of course. Well, goodbye.”

He makes for the door.

“What about the wine?” I indicate the two bottles, still on the table. It’s a pointless trivial comment, I know, but for some reason I don’t want him to think I expect to keep them.

Frank doesn’t even look over his shoulder. “Consider them a parting gift.”

And with that, he's gone.

I remain sitting motionless, processing what I’ve just done. It’s not easy hearing those words, but neither is it easy to have to say them. So many emotions are coursing through my body — sorrow, guilt, regret, self-reproach, worry. And in the midst of this maelstrom, there is one thing I can clearly recognise — a glimmering spark of relief.

#outlander fanfiction #outlander fan fic #Just a Friend #Jamie Fraser #Claire Beauchamp #bit more Geillis #Chapter 3

118 notes · View notes

mrpenguinpants · 3 years

Text

Alright, I finally read Reincarnation no Kaben

AFTER MONTHS (it’s probably been a month? My mind doesn’t keep track of the days) I FINALLY CAUGHT UP TO RNK. Ty to Okita anon for the recommendation (*￣3￣)╭💕💕💕 I absolutely loved it.

After this I’ll start on the other recommendation you gave me. I kept a bit of a log of my reading journey under the read more tag.

Major spoilers for literally everything in RNK up to ch 53 “Withdrawal”.

Oh, and I’ll finish answering all my leftover asks and I SHOULD have a fic done by tomorrow. I was so ready to write and then I got up. Now I’m back to bed.

I’m just gonna write this as a log since I read super super slow and I’m only on ch 7 at the start of writing this but I’m really liking it already. Though to be fair. I love everything okita anon recommends haha. I remember you saying you were simping over Kouu and I haven’t gotten to the part where he appears but I wanted to quickly google what he looked like to prepare myself and I see this:

Well. That’s reassuring.

I was actually kinda surprised by how many western figures were in the manga since I know there are only like 7? Around 7 western figures that pop up in any anime/manga but seeing people like Albert Fish was kinda surprising but I really liked it. Also, at the end of certain chapters they write little bio’s on them so you get to know more about them was such a nice touch. I also love that the tradition of making males -> females still stays strong even outside the fate universe hehe.

---

Literally, the next chapter I see him. AHHHHHHHHH. Well maybe not him but his eyeballs.

This guy lowkey reminds me of the MC’s brother but it’s 99% because he has the same long ponytail. I wouldn’t be surprised if the brother was apart of the the Greats. Honestly, Ein reminds me of those really hard headed girls that are actually really kind on the inside but aren’t good at expressing themselves (maybe because that’s pretty much her character). I also like that Ein doesn’t like males but she’s hiding behind this guy. At least, I’m..99% sure this is Ein.

I FUCKING KNEW IT. AS SOON AS I SAW HE GOT A THEIF TALENT I COULD FEEL THE SOLO LEVELING VIBES IN ME. HE CAN STEAL TALENTS I FUCKING KNEW IT!!! I’m surprised that Neumann didn’t say anything and Haito seems to be aware of it.

Edit: Ah okay, I understand a bit now but it almost seems like Haito is the only one aware of Toya’s second talent.

Edit 2: Okay, as much as I love power hungry MC’s I’m really glad they didn’t make Toya into that. I am such a softie for sympathetic and kind MC’s like these even though it’s been done so many times. I’m really glad this didn’t feel like a rehash. I mean, some points some of the stuff Toya says it does but it’s fine, I don’t mind that. I actually gave a crap about him since I usually prefer the side characters (I UNDERSTAND ANON, I CARE ABOUT KOUU SO MUCH AHHHHH) but HAITO?? AHHHHH.

---

I like that Izo always has the same hat in every adaptation he’s in lol. Istg, cats are always op. Schrodinger seems so strong and the parallel universes are my absolute shit. Sometimes I think, in one universe I did this and in this universe I’m not. Would I rather stay in this universe or be in the one where I am actually productive. Usually I pick the productive universe and actually work but sometimes I’m a bit of a slacker haha. I think this is my approach to a lot of things in life. But I digress, I don’t wanna get too deep into my life.

I can sorta sympathize with the sinners. At least the ripper guy to say the least. I love love love unhinged characters that just want to basically destroy the world or at least have fun. But then you find out- wait they are actually sympathetic oh no. That’s how I felt about Djoser in “im the great priest imhotep” (please...i beg...someone read this...I’m so starved).

As much as character development and rooting for the hero is cool and all, I just want to simp for the crazy “let’s burn the world to the ground” kinda character. I’m also so glad Toya doesn’t automatically become evil and try and steal everyone’s talents because he does seem like a good person and I really don’t see him suddenly switching fields so when he saved (I don’t remember names I’m sorry), the undead solider it was really nice. Proves that he still has his humanity and isn’t strictly relying on the branch of sin.

It makes sense that he wants to steal talents since he never had one (and it was kinda out of left field when he killed Vlad and we just never addressed that ever again haha) but to see him actually consider his actions and if he actually want’s to steal his teammates talents feels right to me. Poor guy doesn’t seem to have a lot of friends so this is the first time he’s ever seemed to have companionship, aside from Haito, so I really hope he doesn’t attempt to steal their talents. I think I’m thinking of the slime? That time I got reincarnated as a slime manga/anime. Where he’s the pokemon catcher of skills. I thought that was where it was going.

But I do kinda like how selfish Haito and Toya’s talent stealing relationship is (I mean, later it develops but my first draft of writing this I wasn’t there yet). I’m not sure if selfish or like self-gratitude/pride is the right word but it’s kind of a breath of fresh air. Rather than Haito trying to contain or “help” Toya’s inferiority she’s actually encouraging it and using her own talent for her own...acknowledgement? Er, yeah let’s go with that.

---

This. This interaction. I love this. Like, genuinely love this. We need more of this. Two people from opposite sides finding some common ground and their fight to the death is less about morals or whose on whose side but for themselves. I love that. This is actually some wholesome stuff.

Edit: AHHHHH CATCH MY UGLY CRYING IN THE BACK BECAUSE ALL THE “SINNERS” ARE ACTUALLY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. IM DEAD. YOU’VE KILLED ME.

---

I KNEW IT! YOU CAN NEVER TRUST THESE KIND OF PEOPLE!! I’m going to slap the whiteboard on this but if I see any “goofy” character I’m immediately sus of them.

As much as I hate that Hitler is getting drawn as a small child I really like this. I know the whole, oh I killed your friends but I’m letting you go because you express humanity but I’m gonna finish my death with a sympathetic line, can be annoying to people but idk I really liked this.

Honestly this and the undead soldiers death hit me hard ngl. This manga might not have my favourite art style during some points compared to like main stream manga but it has some really beautiful scenes.

BOOM CALLED IT, though it’s pretty obvious lol.

THE PONY TAIL NEVER LIES AND HES DA VINCI IT MAKES SENSE NOW

He looks so cute lol. I like that Seiya has the talent of being talented in everything while Toya has the talent to steal other talents. Seiya can probably only cap his power by his own physical/mental abilities with Toya can pull a solo leveling and go further beyond. Thinking of it like jack of trades vs master of none type deals. Though, I might be thinking too hard on this. I like that this man is actually humble but I really wish there was a tiny bit more to him since we only get this one interaction/backstory but the manga isn’t completed yet. I really hope we get to know about Seiya more;; like how he became da vinci or etc.

Everytime I see Neumann I look at that comic sans type and it kills me on the inside. But I love that her eyes are 01 just, mwah perfection. These little details that aren’t that big but it’s soooo nice. I also ahem, unhinged character heart be still. It’s really nice reading manga in bursts because you can see the art progression and damn does she look good.

tiny fang appreciation post.

ngl i’M HARD SIMPING FOR THIS MAN. It’s the pony tail, I have such a thing for guys with long hair (and this is why genshin broke me) but man the art really picked up here.

I didn’t get into it but OKITA ANON I GET IT. KOUU??? AHHHH. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE??? As much as his whole “war” was a bit questionable in the beginning and tbh I still don’t really get it I like that he knows he’s not the same as the other Greats but still tries to help the other “sinners” in a way only he knows. That’s why Seiya was so important;; I get that he wanted them to have a fun death and to be understood but idk, the whole war idea and having them kill each other (especially the Hitler fights because I understand the others since they reached some kind of acknowledgement) but nonetheless, what a great guy.

Nightingale gives me mad masaki vibes from chainsawman. I hate them and I can’t wait for you to fail, but the inner part of my is cheering for you because unhinged characters are my shit. I feel really bad for Neumann, I had suspicions she wasn’t actually like that since it’s sooo out of left field but I’m really glad the manga seems to know what it’s doing. I really wish we got more Kouu interactions with everyone tho.

NOW THIS. THIS IS SOME WHOLESOME STUFF. I WANT THIS. I REALLY WANT SPIN-OFF OF REALLY SAD ANIME/MANGA/STORIES WHERE ALL THE DEAD PEOPLE HANG OUT. That’s how I’m feeling about JJK and the scroll segments or BSD WAN that just came out. IT’S SO WHOLESOME TO SEE EVERYONE NOT TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER.

UGLY SOBBING IN THE CLUBBB AND KOUU AND CHARLOTTE AHHHH. I hate how this is phrased but the respect I have for Hitler?? YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD THAT IS TO TYPE?? Kitazuka is cool tho, I really like him. Some god given talent. I’m hard simping over him but I really hope we get to know more about him later.

Getting smug mona vibes, I love this.

AHHH IVE NEVER FELT THIS UPSET OVER AN APPLEEEE. I’M ACTUALLY UPSET. IF HE DIES IM ACTUALLY GOING TO CRY MY HEART OUT.

THE FAMOUS SLAP

I’M SORRY WHA- SLENDERMAN?

Oh..wow. Okay, be still my heart. When I first saw her I thought she was really pretty but now I’m absolutely smitten. God damn, can I please have some more crumbs on these characters before they die;;

AHHH SAME GIRL FUCKING SAME????? I adore these small panels and translator notes. It’s a real breather after the sad 3am hours talk these characters go through.

Yagyuu. Jesus christ. WHY ARE ALL THE DEATH SCENES IN THIS MANGA ACTUALLY SO PRETTY AND STABS ME IN THE HEART??? that’s it. goodbye. im fucking out. im actually so upset rn. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?

---

In conclusion, and I should probably re-read what the characters say and not go off on memory because I’m about to get really deep. I really like how they phrased why they wanted to stop the branch of sin. That there are people just like Toya and Haito who, if they never found the branch of sin, could still probably lead respectable and okay lives. That there was a “them” in another universe that didn’t go down that road and that they want to be in the same universe as “them”. I know this sounds really confusing if you haven’t read the manga but going back to what I said about the parallel universe stuff.

There was a universe where Toya and Haito didn’t rely on the branch of sin, that even without their talents from becoming a returner, they could still live a happy life given their own personalities and attitudes. It was kinda moving since in the beginning, Toya wanted a talent so badly and now that he has one. He’s realizing that wait, I don’t need a past life talent in order to live. Honestly, I hard relate to that because I totally agree with him. If you have a talent you can probably live a very happy and comfortable life that other factors wouldn’t matter if you just have that incredible talent. Thinking of it as a painter or artist, if you had actual god-given talent you wouldn’t need to worry about other factors since people would naturally seek that talent. So you end up comparing yourself to others and setting that limit on yourself.

But that’s okay, it’s completely natural and I’m not saying it’s horrible if you do this. Fuck, I do this all the time. I’m not saying the manga is changing my life but it’s kind of refreshing that it get’s talked about since other adaptations of this just make the character super OP. I understand wanting to have that incredible talent, fuck who doesn’t? but you don’t need it in order to live earnestly in the bigger picture sense. Not everything you do has to be productive and honestly, learning to be okay with having fun is nice. Just being okay with who you are right now, even if it isn’t perfect in your eyes, you still have time to build upon yourself and your own talents but doing it for yourself.

But I probably missed the point and I’m going way to deep haha. But I really enjoyed reading this and thank you once again to okita anon for the recommendation^^ I always love everything you send me and I’ll start reading the next one. If anyone else has any recommendations let me know!

#WOW WHAT A FUCKING TRAIN RIDE #AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #ALRIGHT TIME TO GO CRY MY HEART OUT #JESUS THIS ACTUALLY SO BEAUTIFUL???#PLEAE PLEASE PLEASE READ IT #IK THE BEGINNING MIGHT SEEM A BIT WEIRD WITH SO MUCH INFORMATION THROWN AT YOU BUT DO IT #IT GETS SOOOO GOOD LATER #ITS GETTING SO GOOD RN BUT I NEED TO WAIT FOR UPDATES #OKITA ANON YOU ARE SUCH AN MVP FUCK I LOVE IT #BUT YOURE ALSO KILLING ME #super duper fucking i love you i actually love you mwha #okita anon #lovely anon #anon ask #reincarnation no kaben

9 notes · View notes

khangowrites · 3 years

Text

Is it a Complaint Essay or is the Workplace Unsuitable?

Ah, what am I writing today? Oh, well I suppose it’s almost 12am. Seems like a good a time as any. I wanted to just jot down a few re-occurring experiences I’ve had in the workplace and sometimes in other social spaces, and attempt to analyze them.

CW: mild mentions of abuse and bodily ailments.

A bit of forward: I tend to mask myself heavily whenever I am in any social situation; whether it be at work, at home, with friends or online (although I’m getting better at being myself on Discord at least. I owe a lot to my friends who accept me and whom I care so much about.) What this means is I often plan out what I’m needed to say in advance of a situation. I have an arsenal of about 5 minutes of small talk before I tank and several small greetings/placations I can cycle through on any given day if I’m not overloaded. I also limit my natural inclination to movement.

It’s called unprofessional/unsightly to sit with your legs folded under you, or to sway and shake your arms and legs back and forth in time to music in your head. But it’s okay if you tap your pencil. Everyone does that.

I have to wonder how noticeable my ‘masked’ self is. How real or fake it appears.

There have been a few trends I’ve seen with the way people treat me as an employee in the time I’ve been in the workforce. For clarity, I am a 23 year old 5’1” AFAB person with a face that looks like it stopped aging when I was 12. I’m non-binary, but I’ve seen that many have a hard time using a different pronoun for me because I look ‘so feminine’. I had one old man repeatedly tell me that my body was too pretty and that I shouldn’t hide it and ‘pretend’ to be something else. I was and still am quite unsettled and disgusted by that comment.

I haven’t used my full preferred pronouns at work simply based in fear of being fired or discriminated against further. Same thing at home- I haven’t told all my family out of fear. I may look back on this at some future date where I fully respect myself and I’m confident. I look forward to that day.

Oh, and I’m autistic.

Perhaps it is one of these things or all of them that cause people to treat me certain ways. I’d like to find out.

I worked outdoors at an Orchard for a season. They called me Cinderella because of the way I looked when I cleaned. They gave employees gloves and heaters. Only not me. When I asked, I was given a broken one and told to fix it. A coworker who had intellectual disabilities and poor eyesight was not offered a heater at all. I did not renew for the next season. Kim and I stayed in touch though.

I worked next at a gift shop at a historical site. I loved the history and the old buildings, but the cashier work was admittedly difficult. Most of the employees were kind, retired old ladies who treated me gently, like a child. Sometimes too much like a child. The assistant manager seemed wary of me, and she often avoided me. I don’t know why. I’m not good with eye contact, and I always fear that people will mistake my zoning out as being creepy or disrespectful; maybe it was that. She never brought her kids with her on days I worked.

The head manager was courteous, but always called me Special. We had an older man work in the last 2 years I was there who had a strong inclination to associate with the children at the shop, and in turn, me as well. He would always want a hug or pat me on the back, but ignored the other workers. I told the managers my uncomfortable feelings about him, but it went mostly unnoticed.

When it was found that I was decent with computers, I was tasked with entering jewelry into the system and creating labels with number associations. I enjoyed it, and they promised me a decent raise. My pay was raised a dollar several weeks later, and I found myself being tasked with more and more computer work, to the point of becoming an office manager myself, earning a grand total of 9 dollars an hour while my counterpart who started a year earlier owned a home on the same work.

I left that job after 4 years to be the music director at a local church. I love music and was excited. Maybe too excited. I developed acid re-flux and was hospitalized the week before my start day due to a panic attack. I realize now it was from stress. I also had an ovarian cyst removed a year later- it took up my entire pelvis and its formation was also attributed to stress. I’ve since been diagnosed with generalized anxiety, and I continue to have ever changing digestive issues, muscle problems and panic attacks.

After realizing I was autistic and also non-binary, so much of the stress of life started to make sense. The past few months I have been making life changes, and working towards finding a workplace that is accommodating and safe for me. My stress has lessened.

I worked at the church for 2 years. My last day is actually at the end of this month. As is the trend, I was not treated with respect when it came to my job. My pastor started choosing the hymns over me, and would make comments about me during services. His favorite was to say that my music made him fall asleep, and wait for laughter from the congregation. He had no musical knowledge, and forced me to play every song as fast as I possibly could. He didn’t believe I could do my job. Any attempts at mutual work failed to manifest. I unfortunately was groomed by a member of the hiring committee there as well, a type of abuse I didn’t even realize I had fallen into until several months after it was too late.

I currently work at a high school as a choir accompanist. I use she/they pronouns there, but no one uses they and I’m too worried to be fully they like I am outside of work. I am wary of soiling my relationship with the director further. She’s quite religious in the ‘gays don’t have rights’ way, so I have my fears.

The director is kind, but sees me as this innocent child that happens to have natural piano abilities, and the mutual respect that I’ve come to dream of just isn’t there again.

The director has the key to the doors and lets students in without fail, but conveniently forgets to let me in almost every day. At one time, I was in physical therapy and had a hard time standing and walking for any period of time. I almost went home because she didn’t answer any communication, class started 20 minutes previously, and it was 90 degrees outside and I needed to sit down because my legs were cramping. She plans the music weeks in advance, but doesn’t give them to me until the day the students get it, despite my repeated asking for time to prepare.

One day I was on zoom and she and the student teacher greeted me and then ignored my presence and played the piano herself for class. She struggled with the parts and commented to the choir that, “wow, Ms. Khango is actually pretty dang good at this- that little girl can play!”, but didn’t listen to me when I offered to play. I left the zoom after an hour.

The online students seemed to share my surprise at least, and I am grateful to them. They kept me grounded and reminded me that I matter and should have the same respect as everyone else in the room, zoom or not. They talk to me about not being heard and their chats not being read during class. It bothered me, too. The next week I brought it up to her in the form of making sure the zoom students were heard and she quickly dismissed it, like it was a puff of smoke. The students online now ask me questions directly and I relay them. It’s met with annoyance by the director.

They have voices too.

One of the scariest moments of my life was last week- I wore my ‘disability rights are human rights’ shirt to school. (Okay, maybe not scary to some, but it very much was for me.) After class, one of the students came to me and asked if I could help him find a way for his grandfather to get a seat at the concert, as he was disabled and he didn’t know how to proceed.

It filled me with joy to help him, and it filled me with rage when the teachers asked if his grandpa could just get out of the wheelchair instead.

My overall conclusion to all of these things is that people simply don’t understand, or don’t want to because it makes their lives harder.

Is discrimination and ignorance really easier than respecting people?

I’m not sure if this is all just one big complaint essay. I guess it is. What I needed to do was write it all out. All the things that make me uneasy or feel like lesser of a person. And I wanted to know why.

I note that at every job I am perceived as a child, or as someone naïve. I am not treated the same as another adult employee. I was ostracized for my way of moving and talking. Taken advantage of. My needs were not accommodated.

Even now, I feel guilt for writing this, like I’m just playing the victim for attention or something.

I want to be strong enough to stand up to it and ask to be treated with respect and have it follow through.

I want to unmask myself more and let myself move and talk naturally, and use my real pronouns.

My respect for myself and for others must become a powerful force.

My friends on discord- my real, genuine friends, have become monumental in my life. Most of my life I did not have true friends. Without them and their unconditional love and support, I would not be where I am right now. We are all equals. I want to embody that strong respect and bring it to others.

It’s getting late. 1 a.m. now. Well, I have tomorrow. Plenty of time for Star Trek.

#workplace problems #actuallyautistic #essay #nonbinary #figuring out life

2 notes · View notes

theholycovenantrpg · 3 years

Photo

CONGRATULATIONS, BELLE! YOU’VE BEEN ACCEPTED FOR THE ROLE OF EVANGELINE TRAME.

Admin Rosey: Whew - okay - I absolutely adore Evangeline. I always and always will because she is the character that I expected so many to look and undermine. But Belle...whew, I loved this application so, so much. You understand her down to the very bones that build her up and make her the shining pillar that she is, while also adding different nuances to her that I had never thought of or considered myself. One of my favorite quotes that I h a v e to highlight is actually from your plot points, and it encapsulates her perfectly: “ But perhaps she’s a blacksmith of a different kind. Perhaps she does not deal in the business of forging weapons, but forging empires.” And I think that’s all that needs to be said, don’t you? Please create and send in your account, review the information on our CHECKLIST, and follow everyone on the FOLLOW LIST. Welcome to the Holy Land!

OUT OF CHARACTER

Alias | Belle

Age | 21

Personal Pronouns | She/Her

Activity Level | My activity is a bit of a mess. I don’t live at home for a few days in the week, and I rarely have my laptop with me, but I think I can manage bringing it with me sometimes. When I am home, however, I am definitely active. I’m almost always around my phone, though, so if anybody needs to message me, I’m typically around.

Timezone | GMT +2

Triggers | N/A

How did you find the group? | Through the tags, and then I started seeing a few of my mutuals reblog the promo posts.

Current/Past RP Accounts | I haven’t been in a group in over two years, and I don’t have any of my old accounts, sorry!

IN CHARACTER

Character | Evangeline Trame

What drew you to this character? | I have a particular soft spot for pawns. My favorite thing about Evangeline, above all else that I grew attached to while reading her biography, was that as strong as she is, as cunning as she has grown to be, as capable as she has forced herself to become, she is, in the end, another chess piece to be moved and—if need be—sacrificed. Perhaps the best part is the duality of her character that this presents; I see Evangeline as possessing a sort of tunnel vision, one that only allows her to see her own goals, and although she sees everything else, it’s her own endgame that she is fixated on. But her story is so much larger than the life she’s lived for the past twenty-eight years and she doesn’t know that. When I say Evangeline is a pawn, I don’t mean that she is a piece created to be cast aside. I mean that she serves a purpose, whether she knows it or not.

My love for Evangeline stems from my love for characters that belong to themselves, yet have layers that belong to others. I like that Evangeline is a product of her upbringing, of her relationships with others, of the life she once lived that she doesn’t know anything of, the life she only revisits in dreams and nightmares. I’m captivated by the idea of a reincarnated Eve who is not Eve.

What future plots do you have in mind for the character? | Where do you see this character developing, and what kind of actions would you have them take to get there? 3 future plot ideas would be preferable.

i. PHANTOM MEMORY. HOW I’D LOVE TO KILL YOU—

I don’t particularly like the idea of Evangeline being a slave to her past life. What I mean by this, is that I don’t want her to follow Eve’s story to the letter. I believe that Eve left behind a skeleton that is now shrouded in Evangeline’s blood, and those are two different people. However, those are two different people that are ultimately tied together, and I think that when Evangeline’s phantoms begin to cling to her ankles, claw at the hem of her dress in order to keep up with her steps, wrap themselves around her wrists while she dreams at night of memories that don’t belong to her, she will eventually succumb to them. Her phantoms can be perceived in many ways. For me, they are the byproduct of everything that Evangeline has ever been denied. To put it simply, they are the manifestations of Eve’s downfall and Evangeline’s awakening: Desire, covetousness, yearning, want. It’s this particular area that I believe the two women begin to bleed together, and the more Evangeline allows herself to get wrapped up in her phantoms, the sharper I believe her focus will become. Sharp enough, perhaps, to break through the cloud that has been fogging her memory all these years. Sharp enough, perhaps, to allow herself to put the broken fragments of her world and another together.

ii. I WILL EITHER FIND A WAY, OR I WILL MAKE ONE—

The Trame legacy has a long, respected history that holds them up in high regard in the Holy Land. Evangeline is not the person to look to for a sword. But she is the person to look to if you wish to be adored. Her beauty wasn’t the only thing that caused the citizens of the Holy Land to fall in love with her—it was her charm, her charisma, the captivating air she had about her. She is so much more than just a pretty face, and that point hasn’t been argued once before. The doubts that people have about her is that she won’t live up to her family name’s reputation. She isn’t a blacksmith, but she’s a diplomat, one who can negotiate and one who believes, ultimately, in peace, even if the shadows that clog her heart sometimes try to pull her in the opposite direction. I think that Evangeline’s shroud of ignorance that she allowed to blind her vision for many years took its toll on her, and now she is simply impatient.

She wants something great. Something greater. She wants to build a lasting memory of herself, one that will echo for centuries to come. Something that lasts longer than any sword or shield ever would. I think that Evangeline’s desire for greatness is tied to a desire for individuality. Her family name has lasted so long, and she knows her lineage like the back of her hand, but she wonders if others do. She wonders if they only acknowledge the Trame name because everyone that came after that first sword to fell a celestial did what they have always done—forge. She wonders if a single individual stands out amongst the rest, and she wants to be that person. She wants to be known for her actions, not her name’s history.

Evangeline doesn’t carry on her family name’s history of weaponry because she is not a traditional blacksmith.

But perhaps she’s a blacksmith of a different kind. Perhaps she does not deal in the business of forging weapons, but forging empires.

iii. “DON’T YOU FEEL LONELY LIVING IN YOUR OWN LITTLE WORLD?” “DON’T YOU FEEL POWERLESS LIVING IN OTHER PEOPLE’S WORLDS?”—

I think that Evangeline possesses a certain fear of being forgotten. Maybe this is because she is the reincarnation of a figure whose name was on everyone’s lips at one point in time, maybe this is because she is so used to being adored by anyone and everyone. But whatever the reason may be, Evangeline is terrified of being left behind. She has so many visions of the life she wants to carve out for herself, and she does believe that if she wants it to happen, carving is the exact thing she must do. Whether it comes in the form of wrapping her fingers around her grandmother’s bejeweled neck until the pulse stops thumping so strongly underneath her hands, or by showing compassion for the impoverished people of the land that has given everything to her. Everything is a struggle to Evangeline—she had grown used to being locked away, hidden behind a veil that kept her from truly coming into her own, so she learned to fight whatever ways she could without letting anyone know that she did not intend to follow quietly into submission.

Her ambitions and goals are loud and fierce, but there’s always something holding her back. I think Evangeline’s breaking point would be to come at odds with a path to greatness. She wants to flourish and she wants to do it her way, but she does not want to be left behind in the dust. A lesson that I would love to teach Evangeline is the idea that the problem with wanting everything is that nothing comes free. Eventually, you have to sacrifice one of your desires. And though I go further into this later on, Evangeline’s selfishness is a force that drags her under with the help of those ever-present phantoms. So what would happen when she gets tired of playing pretend for good? What happens when she gets tired of waiting patiently for her due? What happens when she gets tired of living powerless in someone else’s world?

Would she decide to forgo her fear of being left behind and make a world of her own? Would she take a bite of the forbidden fruit, allow herself to be seduced by temptation? Or would she settle on the life she already has?

Are you comfortable with killing off your character? | Yes.

IN DEPTH

Driving Character Motivation | Evangeline's motivations are primarily herself and, by extension, those who she believes belong to her. Not in a possessive way or in a selfish way (though she can be selfish), but those she believes are drawn close to her heart. That being said, just because some people reside in the confines of her soul, doesn't mean they get to stay there forever. Her grandmother, for example, was a driving force in Evangeline's life that ultimately resulted in her giving into the shadows that trailed behind her every step. And while Evangeline believes in remorse, she doesn't necessarily entertain it. She doesn't feel particularly guilty—rather, she feels that she acted in her own best interests. The love she had for her grandmother was strong but beat her own desires, and that's where the root of Evangeline's motivations lie. She desires plenty of things in her life—one might even say that she desires to want forever just to give herself meaning—and though she doesn't look to harm others in order to gain it, it remains a blind spot in her vision. She isn't a cruel person, but she possesses a certain sort of selfishness, a self-serving type of quality that is only a breath away from it.

Character Traits | OPTIONAL. Please list 3 positive traits and 3 negative traits that you identify in the character you’re applying for.

(+) COMPASSIONATE. Listing compassion first was not a mistake or a coincidence. Evangeline is good, but who said only good people are compassionate? Who said only heroes get to be solicitous? Perhaps the thing that separates everyone is the cause they choose to show their compassion to.

(–) SELFISH. As I explained before, Evangeline has a savage type of selfishness within her, one that can very easily crack open to reveal something wilder, less contained. As dignified as she is, the selfish part of her is not. It seems to be the part of her that grows more and more every day, festering and latching on to her bones with each passing hour. She doesn’t seem to mind their presence. In fact, she’s not only grown used to it, but she’s begun to welcome it.

(+) ASTUTE. Shrewd doesn’t seem like the appropriate word to use to describe Evangeline, but astute feels just right. She knows how to read people, every good diplomat knows how to, and she’s no different. She possesses a very keen ability to detect tension in the atmosphere, and she’s also very capable of either building it up or taming it down.

(–) CUNNING. Though it’s true that Evangeline is not as cunning or as sly as she likes to believe herself to be, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t possess any wits about her. She didn’t get to where she is today by simply smiling prettily. Had she decided to take that route, she would still be sitting across from her grandmother sipping tea that made her want to gag and convincing herself that false happiness was better than nothing. But Evangeline shook her head and said no, and she gathered every bit of cunning she had in her, and she wielded it as best as she could. And perhaps it’s her pride talking, but she thinks she’s done a fine job.

(+) DEVOTED. Above all, Evangeline is devoted to those she cares about. Though this is widely considered to be a positive trait, it’s a double-edged sword. Her devotion is something of a two-way street. She believes that those she cares for are hers, and she, in turn, is theirs. Evangeline doesn’t do anything by halves, and she has just a little flair for the dramatics, and this is no different.

(–) DISHONEST. Evangeline has been lying for so long that it’s become second nature to her. Maybe she hasn’t been lying with her words, but every action is just one more piece in the carefully curated veil of ignorance that she draped across herself. But even though the veil has begun to slip with her permission as Evangeline grows more comfortable with herself and her new role, she can’t stop the dishonesty. The worst part is that she’s lying to herself more than anyone else, feeding herself lies that she needs to keep herself upright because no one is there to do it for her anymore. When all is said and done, Evangeline only had people willing to lay their life down on the line for her in order to keep her in the dark, and the truth is, she doesn’t know how to live without that. Not for lack of trying, though, but old habits die hard, and this one is especially hard to break.

In-Character Para Sample | Trigger Warnings for: Murder, suffocation.

She’s seven years old, and she’s otherworldly.

Her legs are splayed out around the bedspread underneath her, wrinkles forming in the fabric under her weight. Behind her, she feels the pull of a hairbrush through her dark hair, the sound of her grandmother’s bracelets knocking together on her wrist. Evangeline breathes steadily through her nose, her eyes fluttering shut every few seconds, fighting to stay awake at such a late hour.

Maids circled the grounds like bees, multiplying and forming as if they simply appeared out of thin air, and yet Lady Trame never allowed anyone else the privilege to brush her granddaughter’s hair before bed each night. Evangeline would undress and slip a nightgown over body and then she would wait until she heard a strong, sharp knock that was undoubtedly her grandmother’s, coming to brush her hair for her before she would kiss her cheek and bid her goodnight, locking the door behind her and telling the guards standing outside to watch over her like their lives depended on it.

They already knew that, of course, but Lady Trame inspired a sort of fear in people that did not leave room for error or question. Evangeline watched her often, her wide, unblinking eyes taking in every inch of her as she commanded a room with her mere presence, and she felt her fingers itch to grasp that intangible power in her fist. She wanted to see it, wonder what color it would be if it came into focus. Maybe a deep, rich red, one that pulled the eye in the exact same way Lady Trame did.

Evangeline watched her grandmother, and she wanted to do what she did.

A particularly sharp pull on her hair startled a gasp out of Evangeline’s mouth, and she met her grandmother’s eyes in the mirror. “Yes, grandmother?” she asked, her voice high-pitched and breathy, the exact way she knew would get the best response from people. She knew because she liked to study people, liked to watch the different ways they reacted to different parts of her. It was almost like a bit of theatre, playing a part she never intended to try on again if it wasn’t well-received. Evangeline thrived on praise, loved to see the world fall over itself in order to make her happy. She liked the feeling of being adored.

Her grandmother looked at her with that steady, keen gaze of hers. “You know,” she said, pulling the brush through Evangeline’s hair once more. “One day, this will all be yours.” She gestured around the room Evangeline was lucky enough to call her own, but she knew that when Lady Trame said this meant the entire thing—every room, every corridor, every inch of the place she called home just as so many other Trames had in the past.

“Yes,” she said, feeling her skin prick in anticipation for the inevitable day. “One day,” she breathed, “I’ll be Lady Trame myself.”

Her grandmother didn’t answer, only kept her eyes trained steadily on her granddaughter like a hawk, as if she could see right through her. Evangeline pretended not to notice.

It’s the memory that stays with her for the rest of her life. Through every single lesson and every single meal, it hangs over her head almost as heavily as the phantoms that start clinging to her body, her dresses, her sheets, her skin. It comes to her at seemingly random points throughout the day, remembering the way she’d so eagerly announced her future title, shaping the words in her mouth as if they already belonged to her, longing for the day she could taste them again and hear the truth ring in the title.

It’s the reason why she pours her grandmother tea every single evening in her room.

It’s the reason why she snaps, in the end.

One reason out of many, truly, but a reason nonetheless. Evangeline sits in her chair across from Lady Trame and watches her throat work around the bitter tea that’s hard to get down, watches as a sallow undertone begins to contort her once-lovely face. She remembers the feeling of guilt, of remorse. She remembers thinking that it has no place in her heart, not right now, not in this situation.

“There will be other men, of course,” Lady Trame says, picking up a sentence she had almost abandoned, her insistent coughs punching each word. “Many men will catch your eye, and some of them will leave, some won’t.”

Her fingers clenched around the teacup, aching to spill the liquid on the floor and crack the teacup in hundreds of pieces. She wanted to grind the porcelain to dust.

She didn’t.

When Lady Trame asked her for a kiss upon the cheek before she retired to her room for the night, Evangeline did as she was told, as she always did. She pressed her lips to the woman’s papery skin, smelling nothing but perfume used to mask the scent of sickness, and straightened, ready to leave. She cast her eyes around her grandmother’s room once more, looking at the fine gowns, the gorgeously crafted furniture, the silk bed sheets, and she wanted to scream. After all this time, Evangeline wanted to scream.

Instead, she whispered.

“Grandmother,” she began, “are you feeling alright?”

She doesn’t really hear the reply. She’s sure Lady Trame offers up some sort of excuse before waving her off, telling her to get some sleep. All Evangeline could hear was the sound of her own voice, so many years ago, proudly declaring that this would all be hers one day. She could hear her grandmother asking her if she knew what that meant, staring at her as if she could read every thought inside her head.

The only thought she’d had was greed.

She wanted, and she wanted, and she wanted, and Evangeline was sick of wanting. She wanted to take.

It wasn’t as hard as she thought it would have been. Once she had her hands wrapped around Lady Trame’s neck, it wasn’t as difficult to apply pressure as one might have worried. Evangeline was hardly aware that she was doing it, yet she could feel everything, felt so keenly in tune to her own body as she did it.

It was all so sudden, she could hear herself saying tomorrow morning when everyone crowded around her to console a tear-streaked Evangeline. She was fine at tea last night. But that was the thing about sickness, wasn’t it? It took you eventually, and no one could do anything to stop it.

It would have happened one way or another, Evangeline told herself as she watched Lady Trame’s eyes widen, her mouth opening on a silent gasp, a plea for help, a plea to stop—Evangeline didn’t know, and she didn’t care. She pressed harder, and harder, and harder, and she didn’t even think about stopping, not even once. She could feel the phantoms curling around her bare ankles, urging her on, whispering in her ear to push harder, claim what was hers by right, get some revenge after so many years of being suffocated herself.

It was a cruelness she had never felt before, a bitterness and a rage that swept her up in its embrace and left Evangeline breathless in its wake. But instead of lying motionless on her back like her grandmother’s lifeless body, she had never felt more awake, never been so aware of her own heartbeat. She’d never felt as alive as she did right in that moment.

Even after Lady Trame had stopped breathing, stopped her feeble struggle, Evangeline didn’t unwrap her hands from around the old woman’s neck. She continued pressing down, using every ounce of anger she’d ever felt and channeling it into her iron grip. Only when she felt the phantoms finally recede did she let go with a gasp.

And Evangeline felt free.

It would have happened one way or another, she reminded herself once more. Lady Trame was sick, everyone knew it. It wasn’t a falsehood; the woman’s breathing had become ragged, her face had taken on a sickly sort of pallor, her legs trembled with every step and she needed to grip Evangeline’s arm just to rise from bed. Yes, it would have happened one way or another.

Now that the phantoms had eased their hold on Evangeline, closer than they had ever been before, close enough that she could have reached out and touched one had she not been so consumed by the fury that had driven her actions, she wondered if she could convince herself it was a kindness.

A kindness, yes. Mercy.

Mercy for the woman who had kept Evangeline hidden away from the truth for her entire life. Mercy for the woman who had refused to answer any questions, forbade anyone from ever telling her anything that might give Evangeline some sort of satisfaction. Mercy for the woman who had done nothing but drive away the man she had loved, driven him out of her life and this world, never to be seen or heard from again, never to be touched by Evangeline’s fingers or brought close in her embrace once more. Maybe it hadn’t been a deep love, maybe it had only been superficial, but it had been hers, and her grandmother had taken it away from her.

“Mercy,” Evangeline whispered to herself, tasting the word on her tongue as she walked down the long hallway to her own room.

A surprised laugh jolted out of her lips, catching her off guard. She quickly covered her hand with her mouth, smothering the noise and hiding the smile that had come upon her mouth.

Mercy.

And as Evangeline welcomed sleep, allowed the phantoms to return to her with a ferocity she hadn’t yet experienced, allowed them to invade her dreams and introduce to her a new meaning of the word desire, she knew it hadn’t been mercy.

It had been justice.

Extras | pinterest board

#accepted #accepted: evangeline

2 notes · View notes

fortunatelyhauntedblackcherry · 4 years

Text

Moonshine - A Beetlejuice Fanfiction 08

Warning: ANGST. With capital letters. So much trauma, anger, crying and death you guys. It was so hard for me to write, it was emotionally challenging, so it might do the same to some of you by reading it. There's also swearing in it.

Beetlejuice floated right through the wall between Rei's and Ari's room. He stretched his back with closed eyes and a huge smile, his bones cracking like dry branches in the wind.

- Oh babes you couldn't possibly imagine how happy I am right now! I heard a genuine scream coming my way! Ah man I haven't heard any of those in a decade, it sounded so... - Beetlejuice opened his eyes. The room was almost empty, only Sirius was inside. Couple of sewing patters were scattered on the floor, next to the already cut-out parts of a cornflower blue dress. BJ blinked at Ari's laptop; the podcast she was listening to has been stopped. - ...kinky. - he finished his sentence in a lowered voice.

He suddenly turned his head to the open window as he realized that a muffled voice came from outside. Sirius scuffled for a bit when he heard the noise and growled when Beetlejuice moved past him. The demon climbed out to the roof, following the noises. Ari was sitting at the farthest end, wrapped in an oversized dark green knitted cardigan. Beetlejuice almost called out to her, scolding her for disappearing when he had such great news but he stopped himself when he realized what the voices were. Ari was crying.

- Babes? - asked Beetlejuice, as he lowered his raspy voice. - What's going on? - Ari quickly turned to the demon's voice's direction. She had a used tissue in her hand. She quickly tried to cover her face with her hair but Beetlejuice saw what she was hiding. Her emerald eyes were all puffy and red, her nose was swollen and full-blooded too, and her lips looked like she didn't drink any water in a week. Her voice was cracking a bit as she started talking.

- Oh, it's nothing, Bug, just... - she beckoned with her hand. Beetlejuice heard as she tried to pull herself together. She let out a huge breath. - ...it's just my mental health issues. They're acting up again. - Beetlejuice stepped next to her as she cleared her throat. - Just gimme a sec, I'll be alright and you can tell me what you have done to my poor sister.

- Nonono, there's something wrong here. - he sat down next to Ari. Her legs were pulled close to her chest as she has enclasped them. She put her chin on her knees, showing as little of her face as she could. - You had a bad day last week when your anxiety was thriving. This is not like that. - Ari smiled lightly. Her wet eyelashes juddered, which made them glisten in the beams of moonlight.

- You really got to know me in the past couple weeks, didn't you?

- Yeah, that... and you also made me sit through 13 episodes of Therapy, which is an awful series by the way, so I'm basically a mind-scientist now. - Ari snorted while she let out a small, sad laugh. - So tell Doctor B, what's going on here, patient number one? - Ari let go of her knees and huffed out. She let her legs dangle off of the roof. She didn't look at Beetlejuice's direction, she just watched the darkness pass by under her feet.

- I... I got to know why do I hear you.

Beetlejuice scrowled and shook his head.

- I'm not following, please explain why does that makes you sad? I thought you wanted to know... - he stopped as Ari rubbed her temples and sighed. She kept her eyes closed while she was talking.

- B., of course I wanted to know! I wanna help, don't think otherwise, it's just... - she clenched her jaw, swallowed her saliva then continued. - The memories. They make me so goddamn angry and sad at the same time.

- I don't get it. - Beetlejuice sounded clueless. He didn't really know what she was talking about. As Ari clicked with her tongue, Beetlejuice moved closer to her and leaned even closer to her ear. His voice was as raspy as always, but he sounded much more sweet and kind. Almost gentle. - Maybe... Talking will help. I don't know, Dr. Phil says it does a lot. - Ari opened her eyes and breathed out. Her breath was jerky.

- The podcast I was listening to, you know, the one about the extraspecial demons, well... - Beetlejuice looked down at Ari's hands. She was sinking her nails into her fingertips. She must have been doing this for at least an hour, since some already left dark purple marks on her fingerpads. Beetlejuice put his hand over Ari's. The cold air made the girl shiver a bit but it also made her stop. - The show started with the hosts talking about how they invited a parapsychologist into the show so he could tell the audience interesting things about demons generally before they start to talk about the different types. So the guy said really interesting stuff, hands down, it really was good, but then he said that after a certain type of trauma, some people develop a weird... "ability". - she used her hands to emphasize the word then let them fall onto her lap again. She sighed. - Do you want to hear the long story of why do I hear you, or the short version? - Beetlejuice flinched his eyes.

- I prefer long and thick things so give it to me, baby. - Ari didn't react to his joke. She'd didn't even smile. She looked like she was was collecting her strength. After a couple minutes of silence, she finally started to speak.

- Bug, have you ever seen how my abdomen looks?

That was a sudden question.

- No? - he said in a kind of shy voice. He didn't wanna upset her more. She seemed just as miserable as furious. - You said no croptops until it's at least 30 °C... Why? - Ari breathed in and layed a bit back. She started to roll her olive t-shirt up on her belly.

Beetlejuice gasped and held his palm before his mouth. The tips of his hair started to turn into red and purple at the same time.

- Who... Who did that to you?!? - Beetlejuice held his hand above the three scars that Ari had on her abdomen. They were shapeless, with rigged edges and at least 5 centimeters long each.

- They've been with me since I was 17. - she sniffled a bit as she let her shirt down. She pulled one of her knees close to her chest again, and put her elbow up on it. - Don't worry, I already got used to them. I don't love them, but they're stuck with me so... - she sighed and look at Beetlejuice's direction. - You sure you wanna hear this story? I might cry. I might get furious and start screaming. You wouldn't like either.

- It's true that nothing is sexier than laughing and screaming of terror, but I'd surely get hard, seeing you deranged with anger. - Ari snorted at the demon's arousing voice. He actually just tried to cover up the fact that all he wanted was to kill whoever did that, and then hug the girl tight.

- Get ready for a love story that is basically horror at best... The kind where the hero still... Gets broken in the end. - she sighed and looked up at the stars. - This fucked up story starts half a year before I got my scars. I started dating a guy named... - she gulped and closed her eyes. - Matthias. - she opened her eyes with a sigh. - Gods, I hate to say his name out loud. It makes me wanna gag. It was a teenage love, I didn't see or didn't want to see his faults and I totally fell head over feet for him. You know what I'm talking about, right?

- Totally. - he had no clue.

- So you know, it was fun in the beginning. He was older than me, so nice and funny. He escorted me basically everywhere, and it just felt so good to be with him. - she sighed. - I thought that he was just worried when he told me I shouldn't go to a party with my friends cause "the world is filled with creeps", but later I realized that he was just simply possessive. - she sighed, sounding annoyed, and looked straight into the darkness of the night. - I started feeling anxious because of him when he started to tell me where could I go and what could I wear. "That's too showing, you can show that much skin only to me!" - she said in a mimicking voice. Then her face turned so dark so quickly. - He told me that if I wasn't acting nice, or behave, or do exactly as he says, that would make him look bad before his friends and a good girlfriend wouldn't want that. Shit, man, we've been together for 4 months only but I was so unstable because of him and massive bullying in school that I turned out to be an anxious wreck. - she clicked her tongue, got up and started to walk up and down, her bare feet tapping on the roof. - We went out one day, and during our "date" he repeatedly told me how I was not smart enough, pretty enough, ENOUGH, and he was with me just because no one else would want me. After he dropped me off at home, I started crying my heart out to my mom. - her eyes got teary again, but there was so much anger in her voice. - Gods she's such a wonderful woman. She taught me how to be brave, how to be strong enough to be myself. And at that moment she made me realize how I'm starting to lose my badass, weird but awesome self because of this stupid cabrón! - she kicked the air. Her breathing was so fast, and her body was radiating so much heat it could almost warm Beetlejuice up. She breathed out with a sigh. - Shit, I must look like a crazy person. Excuse me. I sometimes use spanish words when I'm experiencing a strong feeling. Multilingual things. Cabrón means...

- Pendejo, fucker, asshole, I know. - that sudden cut-in brought Ari down back to earth quickly. She knitted her eyebrows. - I had an argentinian girlfriend who taught me a bit spanish. I can cuss just perfectly. - he tried to sound calm. He really did. But oh boy he was not. The way the emotions changed on Ari's face made him remember some of his past traumas, and that made him feel a lot of different things at the same time. And he was also furious at this asshole of an ex.

Ari sat down again. She breathed out to calm herself down. After a minute of frozen silence, the demon started to talk.

- This whole thing is fucked up, you know. The whole being told what to do and where to go and how to look... - said Beetlejuice in a low manner. His raspy voice sounded... sad? He cleared his throat, even though, being dead, he didn't have to, it just felt good. - I'll totally regret this, but since we're doing this overly honest heartfelt shit that I normally hate, and I'm very much irritated by it, let me tell ya... - he looked at Ari as his hair turned more purple. - I can relate to you. My mother did the same shit to me. She made me feel worthless, a piece of shit that didn't deserve any love. - he sighed and looked up at the moon. He chuckled a bit, his voice went back from soft to normal quickly. - Dear God slash Satan, your emotional bullshit is contagious, Ari. I gotta stop hanging out with you.

Ari smiled lightly.

- You couldn't. You love chilling with me. - the demon scretched his stubbles and let out a tiny laugh.

- True. I'm hooked on that fine ass of yours. - Ari laughed a bit. She looked where Beetlejuice's voice came from previously, and held out her hands.

- You know, I wouldn't really feel it, it won't exactly be a real hug, but if you want to... - Beetlejuice didn't let this opportunity go, he basically jumped into Ari's embrace instantly. He almost fell over her body, and he couldn't really wrap his hands around her, but being this close felt so good. Ari's body radiated so much heat and hearing her heart pitter-patter inside her chest made him forget how she didn't even see him. They both smiled. - Thanks for telling me a bit about your origin story. I know it's hard to talk about these kind of shits.

Beetlejuice let Ari go and sit back a bit, still staying close to the girl. She let her hands down.

- I'm only this honest with you cause you told shit to me too. - the demon lowered his raspy voice. - But if you tell anyone about my problems, even though we are bffffs forever, I'll skewer you like a pig. Understood? - Ari swallowed and blinked nervously while nodding. Beetlejuice continued like he didn't say anything threatening. - Anyway, I still don't know why do you hear me. Are we getting there soon? - Ari nodded again and rubbed her cheek.

- Yeah, sure, buckle up for the worse part of the ride, buddy. - she cleared her throat. - When the next day I went over to his place to break up with him and to tell him that I belong to no one, and he doesn't have the right to tell me what to do, he hit me. He slapped me so hard that my cheek ripped up a bit. - she pulled her hair back a bit, revealing a tiny scar on her left cheekbone. - The next day he called me, told me that he's sorry and he didn't want to hurt me. I hang up on him quickly and got a new number the same day. I wanted him gone. But it didn't take him much time to get my new number. He called me a thousand times. But since I didn't answer, he started to follow me. Watching from the street while I was at school. Creeping around the studio I sang at. - she sniffled as her eyes started to get teary, but she quickly wiped them with the sleeve of her cardigan - You know, I called the cops. I told them everything. And they told me they couldn't do anything until he hurts me. - she chuckled in an annoyed way. She fuckin chuckled. - They didn't have to wait for that for so long.

- WHAT?! - shouted Beetlejuice which made Ari jump a bit. He jumped up in anger, the tips of his hair shining in bright red. - THOSE GUYS SHOULD TAKE CARE OF PEOPLE, NOT TELL THEM TO "GET FUCKIN HURT THEN WE'LL TALK"?!? - he squatted down next to Ari. - Let me guess, that son of a bitch ex of yours caused those fuckin scars?!?

-...yes... - said Ari with bated breath. Beetlejuice scraffed his fluffy hair and unshaven face. - I was walking home late from a rehearsal, mom was at work, and when I was already at our street, he stepped up to me out of nowhere, started to tell me how he's gonna change and after I pushed him, and told him to leave me alone since I fuckin hate him and I don't belong to him... He said that if I don't wanna belong to him, then I'll belong to no-one. And he... - tears started running down her cheeks. - Stabbed me. Again. And again.

- THIS... MOTHER FUCKER... - he bit his fist and started to babble. - I mean yeah sure I kinda get it I'm a bit possessive too, also creepy, but I'm pretty sure he could get an another hot goth chick and...

- HE KILLED ME, MAN! - screamed Ari into the abyss. Beetlejuice froze in his movement.

- W...What? - Ari sat still, hands covering her mouth. Beetlejuice squatted down next to her again. - Babes did I hear that right? - she shut her eyes and sighed. She let her hands go and stared down from the roof.

- Yes. - she said. Her voice was so weak. - A neighbor saw what happened and called the ambulance. I got rushed into hospital and... I went under surgery. They had to remove a part of my intestines asap... They got damaged from the stabs... And while I was knocked out... My heart decided to give up on me. And I died.

Beetlejuice sat down at the brim of the roof. He was shocked.

- I... suppose that's why you have a fixation with death? - he asked calmly. Ari shrugged and lifted her hands up.

- Partly... Other than the fact I was born on Halloween so it's basically in my blood... I think what really caused my obsession is that I remember every goddamn second of being dead. I remember seeing my body, covered in blood, and as I realized what was going on, I started panicking about how much more I wanted to do and how young I was to die. - she sighed with a light, not so real smile. She sounded so damaged. The demon could hear the pain in her voice. - 🎶And so, being young and dipt in folly, I fell in love with melancholy.🎶 - she looked at Beetlejuice's direction after she wiped her tears off with a tissue. - I was dead for 4 minutes before they brought me back. More or less. Looks like that's why I hear you. Many folks who die and come back develop this... "ability" to see or hear creatures from other dimensions. My special power is to hear demons, as it turns out. - she looked at the demon's direction. - Good for you I winded up in this house.

- I'm so happy about that. I couldn't ask for a better breather partner in crime in my dreams. - Ari heard in his voice that he was smiling. Oh if she could see his lightpink hairtips too... - What happened after? - asked Beetlejuice. Ari lifted her eyebrows a bit. - I mean, I hope the fucker got what he deserved and someone killed him. - Ari bit his lips in frustration, and sighed.

- Not exactly... At least he didn't got what I think he would have deserved. - she stretched out her legs. - While I was in the hospital for 8 months, on full-time mental and physical therapy by the way, I filed a report against him and got him arrested. I was so relieved... Then I heard he only got 3 years. - she fumbled through her hair. - Seriously, he fuckin put someone in intensive care for months and all he got was a couple of years then adiós, go on your fuckin way my man?! - she let out an angry growl. - Just because, and I quote, "he was young and could have a bright future", yes, that's what the jury said... - she huffed. - But the good thing is, right after he got out, he violated the restraining order that I got against him. He came to the house that Sofi, Rei, my mom and I lived in. You know, they moved in with us after I got out of the hospital because... For the first 5 or six months, I was afraid to go out without company. So my sisters helped a lot. They even kind of made me forget how my friends left me, because "I was acting overdramatic and why couldn't I just forget and be happy". - Beetlejuice raised his eyebrows and shook his head.

- The fuck is wrong with people... - Ari let out an annoyed chuckle.

- Oh my man, most of them are awful fellas. After this, I didn't even care that I missed my prom. - she swallowed her saliva and leaned back so she could gaze the stars. - So yeah, back to the subject, that pendejo came to our house in the middle of the night and demanded my mom to take him to me cause he wanted to say sorry because he missed me so much and wanted us to start a new chapter. - Ari rubbed her temples. - The police acted quickly this time and put him into jail for 3 more years. - she sighed. - Not that I think that's enough... But it was enough for us to find a new home and move away from him, as far as we could.

Beetlejuice waddled closer to her, and layed down as well.

- You know what's the weirdest thing about you, scarecrow? - Ari chuckled.

- Besides the fact that my best buddy is a demon? - BJ laughed a bit too. - No idea, Bug.

- That you're so full of life, and so goddamn annoyingly positive. If you wouldn't tell me, I wouldn't know you had so much shit to deal with. - Ari put her hands up in the air while shrugging.

- Look, I already know how does it feel to die. By the time I turned 19, I decided I'd try how does it feel to be alive. And when I'm not a mess, oh boy, it's so much fun! - Beetlejuice turned to his side and looked at the girl.

- You’re not a mess babes, you’re a... spicy disaster! - Ari laughed. It was so nice to hear that adorable laugh again. BJ looked straight into her emerald eyes that were gleaming in the moonlight. - You know, doll, I'm really sorry for creeping around. If I would've known, I... - he shut up as Ari gestured with her hand.

- You didn't know. It's alright. I hate being followed, but you're so goddamn chatty that it doesn't feel creepy at all. Plus, you're not human, which makes me more comfortable. It's somehow nice to have you weirdo around.

For a couple of minutes, they just laid there, both watching the stars. It was so peaceful, but something still bugged Beetlejuice and he just couldn't let it go.

- Hey, babes? - Ari turned her head to his direction.

- Yeah?

- If he ever finds you, can I kill your ex-boyfriend?

#alex brightman #beetlegeuse #beetlejuice #beetlejuice fanfiction #beetlejuice oc #beetlejuice the musical #fanfic #fanfiction #lawrence beetlejuice shoggoth #musical!beetlejuice #beetlejuice broadway

14 notes · View notes

thelightfluxtastic · 3 years

Text

30DayTheri 2: Multipotence

When discussions come up about how long one has known one is a therian/otherkin, or how early traits started manifesting, I describe my childhood self as “multipotent”. (Actually I used to use “pluripotenet”, multi is closer to my intended meaning, but both terms are on the same spectrum and get at what I am trying to convey).

Cell potency is a biological term meaning, essentially, how many cells can a given progenitor cell turn into? Early zygote cells are totipotent, meaning they can become literally any kind of cell as they divide. Then, as the body develops, cells differentiate and become pluripotent (no longer able to make certain embryonic cells) then multipotent, etc. etc. with increasing degrees of specificity. So, for example, a progenitor blood stem cell could become a red blood cell, a platelet, several types of white blood cell, but it’s not generating nerve or skin cells. That’s honestly how I see the development of my therianthropy. Looking at my childhood, one can definitely see a trend: One of my earliest obsessions was Tarzan. My sister got all the barbies, I got the stuffed animals. I had boxes of animal figurines/plastic toys. I played pretend as an animal constantly. We had those Great Illustrated Classics books, and I read the Jungle Book more times than I can count, vs. Treasure Island twice. The original Jungle Book was one of the first things I ever bought once I got an e-reader. We had to read White Fang for class. I always reread school books- I had long bus rides and was an avid bookworm- but White Fang was extra special to me. In books I read for fun, I gravitated toward series like the Underland Chronicles, with sentient animals. I read the first Guardians of Ga’hoole book and loved it. Never ended up into Warrior Cats or Animorphs but I suspect I would have liked them. Obsessively tried to catch inconsistent TV showings of Redwall. In a middle school essay I claimed shapechanging (a la beastboy) was the best superpower. You get the point. So there was a clear and present trend toward nonhuman-ness in general (I also believed myself to be a werewolf, alien, witch, vampire...) and animality specifically. But there was not yet a pull toward canine-ness. I played pretend as a dog, sure, but not more or less often than anything else, really.

The dog aspects of my nature really crystallized in high school and into college. This coincided with the development of my stable personality (and gender and sexuality, but that’s for another day). My friend introduced me to webcomics like TwoKinds and Strays and I started having the deep-set conviction that I would be canine in these universes. I started feeling strongly about werewolves and inumimi more than similar bestial species.

Around this time, I discovered the therian/otherkin communities. I wasn’t right right away- I questioned a lot of kintypes- fae, dragon, angel- based on various evidence, associations, and logic, and for a while I rejected the community entirely (long story for another day). But all the while, my brain kept itching for canine content- roleplays, games like WolfQuest, playing a shifter or druid in D&D. I had mental shifts as a dog, etc., and eventually found my way into the therian label and community. There were definitely things from my early childhood that retroactively made sense in a canine framework (chewing, food preferences) but I didn’t “feel” canine until high school. I honestly think I haven’t always been a dog, but I have always been a therian. Hence, multipotence. Looking at my childhood, I think it was impossible for me not to identify as an animal. But I wasn’t settled as a “dog” until my full personality really came into fruition. And one can argue about how much personality is genetic, etc. Someone else may take an embryonic metaphor: a human embryo resembles that of a fish very early in its development, but it’s human and will never become a fish (or chicken, or...). But for me, multiipotence is the metaphor that makes sense. I really believe that, prior to adolescence, I was a multipotent general “therian” yet to differentiate into a more specific “type”. And of course, like a differentiated cell, I can’t go back and become something else now- nor would I ever want to. I am, unequivocably and permanently, a dog. But asking if I was always a dog is like asking a red blood cell if it was always a red blood cell.

#30 Days of Therianthropy #mine #therian #multipotence

3 notes · View notes

internaljiujitsu · 4 years

Text

5 Realizations That (Finally) Got Me Off The ADHD Treadmill

I used to hate reading books. I did it anyway but couldn’t last more than five or ten minutes before dozing off or having my mind dart away to distant lands. Like the skinny kid with no appetite that had to force feed himself to pack on muscle, I shoved books into my brain because I hated the idea of not being well read more than I hated reading.

As a kid, I often left things undone. — or worn out to the nub. After beginning enthusiastically, I’d soon lose steam and beat myself from pillar to post for quitting. I’d always hang around through the torture just to avoid the sting of giving up again. Once the interest was gone, whatever I was doing became pure misery. This would inevitably lead to mental and physical breakdown, as every cell in my body rejected the reality my mind was accepting.

I got good grades and excelled athletically but always thought I could do better. There seemed to be a gear missing — the one that I just knew could take me to a place that felt right. If I were just better, more disciplined and able to focus more — but I didn’t think I had it in me.

Back then, I didn’t know I was working with a slight disadvantage. While medication has played a crucial role in managing my ADHD, and no doubt would have made a massive difference in my childhood, it’s been just as important to build coping and productivity skills. While ADHD makes it difficult to work for other people, it also challenges your ability to self-regulate. Your perception of time is thrown off, so keeping track of your own schedule can be tough without a system.

Before I ever tried medication, in my forties, I spent my life learning skills to make up for what I saw as inadequacies. I’m thankful that I built a technical foundation before supplementing with chemicals, but eternally grateful for what meds have done for me. Once I was properly diagnosed, I realized that the progress I was able to make on my own was astonishing. Giving myself credit for putting in the work motivated me further. The medication made it all click. It was the missing piece I’d been searching for after years of hard inner and outer training.

Here are my five keys for finally jumping off the ADHD treadmill. Once I inserted these into my belief system, I no longer felt hopeless. The limiting, negative self-talk stopped. It took a long time to finally put everything together, but the results have been life changing.

Meds Are Not Evil

Like a lot of other people, I didn’t believe ADHD was real. My perception was that it was a made up disorder designed by drug companies to pump kids full of personality stifling drugs — an excuse for parents to medicate energetic kids and abdicate responsibility.

Meanwhile, I lived every day in lonely terror, until my symptoms became so overwhelming that I became suicidal. At that point, medicine was my last hope. I read books, meditated, prayed, had countless therapy sessions, including EMDR, and took massive action to change my life — but I hit a healing wall. I needed a boost.

The wiring in my brain makes it so ADHD medication that would make the average person speedy simply makes me feel normal. I am no longer listless and suicidal, disappointed in myself because my aspirations outweigh my self-belief. Before meds, it felt as if I was receiving random radio signals from everywhere. The one that always caught my ear never had anything good to say. Still, my disciplined nature dragged me through my days.

The stigma against medication and the dangerous abuse of these drugs by the general public has left many people unnecessarily living in misery. Prisons and homeless shelters are purgatories for the mislabeled, ignored and discarded members of society unlucky enough to suffer from mental illness. How many of those fortunes could have been altered with the right diagnosis, treatment and protocol?

2. Medication + Discipline = Badass

As a person that uses discipline as therapy, I once thought I could muscle my way through pain. Becoming older in the martial arts world means you have to fight smarter. That’s the trade off — you are wiser and have a much better understanding of your art, but your body does not react the same. Nature seeks balance.

But fuck that. If you take care of yourself, you can whip on the youngins long after your head is covered in gray. Combining experience with conditioning makes you unstoppable. That’s how I see my mental health approach.

If you have no clarity, you won’t make the best choices. You simply can’t see what’s in front of you without a trained eye. The frantic nature of the ADHD mind is like a white belt thrown into what we call the “shark tank.” It’s a relentless onslaught of tough competitors coming in fresh at intervals to continuously beat your ass. No place for white belts. That’s what life feels like off my meds.

The passions that occupy my time have kept my brain buzzing enough to distract me from my buzzing brain. Now that the unwanted chatter is gone, I can feel the good kind of buzz — the warm, fuzzy feeling of loving what I do without feeling like I have to do it.

Would I have preferred avoiding all the pain I felt over the years and just been medicated all along? No. If life didn’t necessitate that I acquire the skills that I have, I wouldn’t have been driven to pursue them. I may have relied too much on the drug. I would not have changed. But I have a feeling the relief of the meds wouldn’t have been enough — It’s just not who I am. I know that now. Eventually, I would have gone searching. At times I almost feel like I have an unfair advantage now. Technical ability and practical experience. Strength and skill. Balance. I’m glad it happened the way it did.

3. You Feel How You Eat

While nutrition has always been important to me for physical fitness, I was more concerned with appearance. As I got older, my focus became increasing my energy levels and feeling better. It wasn’t until after being diagnosed and forming habits around optimizing my abilities that I realized the importance of nutrition for good mental health. Inflammation caused by certain foods is detrimental to brain function and a frequent culprit in ADHD.

Once you’ve gone down a suicidal rabbit whole, giving up gluten is a tiny price to pay for sanity. Not that you know what sanity is — you just know you don’t have it.

Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t give a second thought to the type of food they put in their mouths. Lifestyle is a gigantic factor in mental fitness. Eating foods that promote brain health (fatty fish, blueberries, avocados) and avoiding processed products and sugar will ensure you have the energy and mental clarity to face the day.

4. Your Phone Is A Tool

People love to complain about how their phones have taken over their lives, but we’ve got the most amazing tools ever invented in our pockets. You can read books, listen to podcasts, watch Ted Talks — non stop learning at your fingertips — all the time.

But, with great power comes great responsibility (Stan Lee will never steer you wrong). Just like television can range from “The Sopranos” to “Jersey Shore,” your cell phone can educate or anesthetize you. If you’re not disciplined, your time will be eaten up swiping left to right and “liking” shit you couldn’t care less about.

Take advantage of your calendar and alarm features to schedule everything. Don’t assume you’re gonna remember, because let’s be honest, you’re gonna forget. Use voice memos and notes to keep track of ideas and journal your feelings and thoughts. You know you have to keep yourself occupied, so download the Kindle app and have a book at the ready for down time. Listen to a guided meditation. Take an online course on the go. Learn a new language. It really is endless. Use it wisely, and your phone is the ultimate weapon. No utility belt required.

5. Less Sleep Isn’t Helping

Feeling lazy had me convinced I needed to force myself to do more. That meant getting up earlier so I could get shit done. With a schedule that had me winding down at ten o’clock at night after teaching martial arts classes, it was tough to go right to bed. If I wasn’t careful, I’d lose a half hour of sleep here and there because I wanted to stay up watching television (which miraculously has a way of leading to chips or ice cream). Arnold Schwarzzenegger famously said that you should learn to sleep faster if you can’t get by on six hours of sleep. After years of insisting on shutting down for a minimum of 7–8 hours to promote physical recovery from training, I tried getting by on just 5–6 hours. No dice.

My brain and body just don’t work the same. The sleep I was getting wasn’t all that restful either. I’d frequently wake up during the night feeling restless. It wasn’t until I developed sleep rituals that I began falling asleep quickly and getting a deeper rest. With repetition, my body and mind got used to the same sequence of events every night leading up to bed time. Once I trained my brain, my body knew what to do as soon as my head hit the pillow.

By now, I’ve learned that seven hours is my sweet spot. Eight clean hours can make me feel like superman (mental note: start sleeping eight hours a night).

Recent research suggests ADHD symptoms are often a result of insufficient restful sleep. Sleep deprivation also exacerbates symptoms in kids and adults with ADHD. Your physical and emotional state is undoubtedly better when you get sufficient rest. Staying up late into the night with unproductive bullshit is a mistake, but so is getting by on five hours because you want to prove you’re a tough grinder. You simply won’t be functioning as well. It’s self-sabotage.

There is no magic pill to fix you. If you think of meds that way, you’ll be putting scotch tape on a gunshot wound. You’ve gotta stop the bleeding. Dig the bullet out. Repair the internal damage — then stitch it up. You’ve gotta let it heal and start actively rehabilitating if you want to get stronger. It’s not going to happen by accident or by divine intervention — even though it may feel like that in the end.

Although I’ve developed a good arsenal of skills to maximize my mental wellbeing, I still want to continue growing. My next step will be scanning my brain to understand what areas are being over or under stimulated and adjusting my lifestyle accordingly. As Dr. Daniel Amen, one of the nation’s foremost psychiatrists and a leading expert on brain health says, “Did you know that psychiatrists are the only medical specialists that virtually never look at the organ they treat? Think about it. Cardiologists look, neurologists look, orthopedic doctors look, virtually every other medical specialist looks — psychiatrists guess.”

It seems so obvious now that I want to run out and get my brain scanned as I write this. I’m excited to discover what changes I can make to improve my performance and sense of well being. Brain imaging will provide a road map.

No matter the cards you’ve been dealt, planning and hard work can help you become who you want to be. No circumstance is a limitation to an open mind. There are always ways to improve if you’re willing to search long enough. Luckily for me, I tend to get a little obsessed.

#adhd #mind #body #fitness #health #wellness #depression #anxiety #treatment #medication #mentalhealth #internaljiujitsu

4 notes · View notes

stellar-imagines · 5 years

Text

SCENARIO REQUEST: ❝conspicuous truth.❞

[ Fandom: Boku no Hero Academia ] [ Characters: Bakugou Katsuki ]

「Bakugou was never the type to work with people but this was a case he couldn’t avoided and he needed help from the police. He discovers a person with an interesting quirk ― the ability to read’s someone’s mind.」

BAKUGOU KATSUKI

"Hah, the Police?"

"Yes, yes. We need their help if we want to know where their group will attack next. They say that they're gonna interrogate the villain today!" Kirishima said with a smile as he stepped into the main building of the police station.

Bakugou and Kirishima's agency had been chasing after a group of villains who had been attacking the city recently. Their attacks were rather confusing and it didn't seem that they're targetting a specific location. None of them had a lead on what they were trying to do. Whenever they arrived the scene, the villains would have already made their escape. They didn't do anything significant, only breaking in, capturing hostages, shutting down survelliance cameras and nothing else. At first, there were no quirks involved and they left it to the police but it started to get a little bit out of hand and the villains began to use their quirks for big scaled invasions and the such.

The Police force consisted of people with inadequate quirks and only arm themselves with weapons. Bakugou knew that being a hero was no different than being in the police, because you're both working for the safety of the civilians. However in the modern society, people tend to rely on heroes as they have abilities to do feats that a mere policemen/women can't do. As soon as the two Pro Heroes stepped into the building, a man greeted them and guided them to the interrogation room.

"We really appreciate your help on this case. To be honest, it was merely a small case that we could handle at first but when it started to get a little bit more violent, we needed your help." he said with a small smile.

"No, we're surprised that the Police has been handling this case for so long."

"Yes, although we were really worried when they started using quirks. By that time, we decided to reach out to you, Pro Heroes for some assistance."

The conversation was just boring but Bakugou listened anyway, hoping that he would get any information regarding the case they were dealing with. He stayed silent throughout the entire walk to the interrogation room. When he arrived, he was led into a room with no windows. Bakugou had ever seen interrogation rooms from movies and he couldn't help but agree that they were no different than what he's familiar with. Within this room, there was another where the villain was sitting in. They were cuffed with the custom made quirk-cancelling handcuffs. He looked like your average man, nothing much stood out, save for the mouth mask he was wearing. The room the suspect was in, was bleak. Only two straight up chairs without arms, one each for interrogator and suspect with a long table in between.

From where they stood, both Kirishima and Bakugou could observe the current interrogation and hear every single sentence and response. The glass seemed to be visible only from the outside. The interrogator was asking questions but failing to get answers.

"This one is a hard case to crack, he just refuses to say anything about their plan. So I guess its time we bring her here. She must be finished with her case already by now."

"Y-Yes, I'll be back in a bit."

"Her?" Bakugou rose a brow, wondering about whoever they were referring to.

“Ah, truth is, ever since we got a new partner, interrogation is easy thank to her quirk. But I wouldn't advise you to get too comfy with her." Both Kirishima and Bakugou exchanged a look.

The sound of the door opening caught their attention and they saw the man who had left earlier. With him was a girl with [Eye Color] eyes and [Hair Color] hair. The moment you entered the room, there was an unknown yet awkward atmosphere in the air. Bakugou turned to see you making a beeline towards the interrogation room, not bothering to ask for any information or details about the villain you were going to interrogate. Sitting atop the table inside was a brown envelope which you assumed was the case's details. You looked through it for a while before asking questions. The villain's answers were the same but no one told you that. Instead, they all kept silent and watched.

"In two days, at 8:00 pm they will launch a simultaneous attack at the harbor and the resort hotel. But the attack at the hotel will only be a decoy, their main objective is to obtain a certain container in the harbor." you announced. Both males were surprised to hear you say this so confidently.

"For further information, they have been launching simultaneous attacks this whole time to distract us from tracking their main force. Judging by all the items they’re gathering, they’re probably illegally selling things.” you further added.

Soon, everyone started to get busy. Some decided to drag the villain into their designated cell while the others decided to file a report and all that. Eventually, you were left alone with the two Pro Heroes. You exhaled and turned towards the two males.

“You both must be confused. I’ll guide you both to the cafeteria. I’m sure you’re hungry.” you said before leaving the room.

The two males had no choice but to follow you. Once seated in the cafeteria, Kirishima and Bakugou couldn’t help but notice that there were some who stood up to leave when you arrived.

“So....how did you manage to get those answers?” Kirishima broke the tense atmosphere between the three of you. Bakugou grew curious as well but didn’t show on his face. The ash blonde merely kept on eating while wondering how you managed to interrogate with ease.

“I understand your curiosity. It’s the work of my quirk.” you said before taking a bite of your egg roll.

“Why not? I don’t see the harm in it.” Kirishima shrugged. You remained silent after hearing his question, looking a little bit uncomfortable. Bakugou noticed this and stabbed a piece of meat before taking a huge bite out of it.

“If she doesn’t want to then don’t pester her.” Bakugou snapped at the red head whilst chewing.

“I don’t really mind telling. My quirk is basically thought reading. I can read the thoughts of people around me.” you told them. The two males remained silent for a while. They now understood why people distanced themselves from you, it was because they were afraid of becoming a victim of your quirk. Everyone has thoughts that they prefer to keep to themselves after all.

“Yeah, so it gets a little bit lonely. They come for me when they need my quirk. They only turn to me when they need my help but they stay away to protect their privacy. No one seems to trust me but they need me, so I guess it’s fine.”

Bakugou found out that it was kind of stupid at first. You had a very useful quirk that helped in interrogation. Although it doesn’t sound like it would be useful in combat, it was suitable for a job like this. When he heard you talk about how it felt nice to know that you’re needed, he couldn’t help but think that it was a little sad.

With every case he was presented, he was always somehow involved with the police. And every single time, you would be the police inspector in charge of the case. That was mainly because no one wanted to deal with Bakugou’s explosive personality. He didn’t mind it though, you had became someone that he was able to tolerate and you seem to overlook his rude attitude so that was a plus. After handling so many cases together with you, he had developed these weird feelings towards you.

The two of you were friends but there was this voice at the back of his head telling him that it wasn’t just that. Bakugou’s feelings towards you was more than just friends. He enjoys your presence, sometimes he looks forward to working with you. Kirishima had teased him for having a little crush on you. And Bakugou can’t believe that he was thinking that Kirishima might be right. He had been feeling this way for a long time and there was no way he could just confess to you.

He decided to ask on instict. Sometimes he offered to walk you home and sometimes, he would take you out for dinner. For someone who had dealt with so many people and could easily pick up small signs from their behavior, you were so damn oblivious to his feelings. To the point where it was irritating. Bakugou was literally dropping hints at you like a kid making incoherent noises to attract attention.

“Hey, Bakugou? Are you listening to me? Why are you staring at me like that?” you asked.

“You’re so stupid.” he said all of a sudden.

“Huh? What did I even do? All I asked was what you were going to get because I’ve never eaten here before.” you mumbled before shifting your attention to the menu.

“Then use your quirk and find out what you should get because I’m not saying it out loud for you.” Bakugou said nonchalantly.

“.....I’m not using my quirk on you Bakugou. I promised myself that I wouldn’t use it outside of work.” you replied, putting down the book.

“Just do it because I say so. I gave you my permission too.” he muttered. You sighed, shoulders falling as he said that. You never really liked using your quirk on people because it felt like you were invading their privacy. But maybe this was fine, because Bakugou gave you his permission. Your eyes glowed red, into a color that could rival the intensity of Bakugou’s own eyes.

“I like you, idiot. Fucking get that already.”

Out of reflex, you deactivated your quirk, staring at the ash blonde who sat across you with a small, knowing smirk. He had planned this! Was he messing around with you to tease you? But you know Bakugou, he was not the type to say things like that to mess around!

“Wh-What do you mean?” you mumbled.

“What does it mean to you?” he huffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

“I wanna fucking date you. Save me from embarrassment, do me and yourself a favor, be my girlfriend.”

Total: 1730 words Published: 11.04.2019

Thank you for requesting! (ㅅ•᎑•) Really liked the idea of having a truth quirk. We decided to make it more of a ‘being able to read thoughts’ quirk. Hopefully the ending wasn’t too rushed.― author Lou

Thank you for requesting! We assumed that a truth quirk will work this way; Once activated, the target won’t be able to lie. But we thought being able to read someone’s mind was cooler. Hope you liked it anon! ― author Natsuki

We opened up an ask meme [?] If you’re interested please have a look here

Please do not mind the grammar mistakes and typos

145 notes · View notes

schalaasha · 4 years

Text

Top 20 Games of the Decade

Hi, I felt like writing about my top 20 games of the decade because I kept thinking about it. This is a semi-ranked list, but I decided not to throw numbers into the mix since, really, outside of the top 2, I can’t think of how to rank the games prior to them. I also commissioned hyiroaerak (@/HRAK__S2 on twitter, https://hyiroaerak.weebly.com/work.html) for art to commemorate this occasion. Our characters are cosplaying as characters from our games of the decade!

Mega Man 10

I actually like Mega Man 10 more than Mega Man 9 out of the two platformer revival games in this series. Though a bit of background on this: Mega Man 4 is my favourite, and I prefer the games that are not 2, 6, 7, or 11, so I suppose that contextualises this for others. Either way, despite it not having weapons that were as useful as Mega Man 9’s, I felt like 10’s level design and pacing worked more for me in my favour. Though I’m saying that as someone who liked the double fortress design in earlier games so that might invalidate how I feel.

Time Attack mode from Mega Man 9 returns as well as Proto Man (but he’s unlockable right off the bat). It also has a proper Challenge Mode compared to Mega Man 9’s challenges, whereby challenges for certain levels or bosses are unlocked when you actually do it in the main game. Being able to play as Proto Man off the bat allows for the fluidity Mega Man had in 3 and beyond by letting you slide and use charged shots. I personally liked being able to play as Proto Man off the bat as while he has the 3 and beyond advantages for his moveset, he is a glass cannon and you still have to watch where you’re going.

I feel like the levels were a little better designed and if I needed more of a challenge, Hard Mode was still there to cut my teeth on. I liked the colour schemes throughout the level maps a lot more than 9’s as well. The bosses felt particularly gripping and trading blows with them fit into a nice rhythm.

It has more content than Mega Man 9 and I had a lot more fun with 10 than I did with either 9 or 11. The formula itself is pretty static compared to other Mega Man games, but I like simple things. Why fix what isn’t broken? It’s just a nice piece of cake at the end of the day and that’s all I really want.

Trauma Team / HOSPITAL: 6人の医師

When I started university for the first time in 2006, I was pre-med. I eventually got sick and tired of the politics and people in the program (ie: folks saying they only wanted to go to med school so they can get rich or make friends with pharma reps who might give them perks), and I left the program to pursue program majors and a minor to prepare me for speech-language pathology instead.

We had a Wii in our student lounge. My main university campus wasn’t exactly big and a lot of the people who hung out in the student center were kind of cliquey. I think I had the benefit of being really good friends with one of the guys who was the biggest social butterflies at the school so I got to meet a lot of people or get involved with stuff if I felt like it. So that meant I got to play with other students in games or wi-fi sessions during classes or after classes if I didn’t have to commute home right away.

Because almost everyone I knew at my school wanted to go into medicine, everyone played the Trauma series. Some kids played Under the Knife during class. Some kids played Second Opinion on the Wii in the student lounge. Some kids played New Blood. This was before like… Farmville took over everyone’s computers at the time.

Trauma Team came out way after that, and some of us were either graduating or staying in school an extra year because we didn’t know what to do after the recession or knew what to do but needed extra courses for graduate school. So the Wii was free to use. I don’t think people hooked it up as often anymore anyway. By 2010, a lot of us who had met each other in first year decided to go our separate ways, not even in the same majors or programs anymore. A lot of us either branched out into research, psychology, neurology (like me), kinesiology, epidemiology, forensics, genetics, etc. So Trauma Team for the rest of us who were still there was a good fit.

Trauma Team took some influences from the 2009 Swine Flu pandemic considering that was when the development phase occurred. Now, I live in Canada, and Canada was one of the focal points for the 2003 SARS outbreak. This was when health bodies in the country decided to make some changes to how they respond to potential pandemics. A lot of things they tell medical students or any students studying health policy (like I was at the time) emphasized how different parts of the hospital or medical or health care staff need to work together in order to care for a patient. I actually find the different professions involved in Trauma Team useful and a reflection of what my class of 2010/2011 became later on (a lot of us graduated in 2011 and took an extra year).

Diagnostics and Forensics were what I was really interested in since they don’t play the same as surgery/emergency medicine since they played out like a point-and-click. Later on in life, I had to look at so many medical reports and radiology reports and file them but by then I realised what my patients had but I can’t tell them myself since I’m not a doctor. But Trauma Team gave me a chance to do so and practice my terminology as a student. A friend of mine, who ended up becoming a doctor at a hospital in Toronto, really enjoyed endoscopy since it merely involved using the Wiimote as an endoscope and the nunchuk to steer. A lot of us played co-op too.

The difficulty in Trauma Team, I felt, was decreased from previous games. But that doesn’t really spoil it. It was a varied game and it looks fantastic. It’s a shame that the game style hasn’t been replicated or given a sequel in later years, because while I’m older and my classmates are doing completely different things and I haven’t seen some of them in years, I’d love to take a stab at these types of games with a well-practiced laboratory technologist’s hand.

Sonic Colours

I think it goes without saying. My first community when I joined the old forum was the Sonic community. Just a bunch of people who were interested in talking about Sonic so much in almost every thread that we ended up making a community thread together. I don’t post in the new forum everyone is at but I still talk to mostly everyone via different social mediums.

I wasn’t around when Sonic Colours came out but I think I remember reading the joy everyone felt when nearly universally everyone in that thread seemed to really like Sonic Colours. I remember the thread title still. I preordered Sonic Colours because apparently previews were saying it was… good? I didn’t bother playing Sonic Unleashed until after I’d joined the forum, but hearing Sonic Colours would be a return to form since I was one of those people who didn’t adjust well to the 3D games made me interested.

Sonic Colours is everything I wanted from a 3D Sonic game. Or rather, a 3D version of a platformer. I didn’t really like where 3D platformers were going because they were hard to look at, hard for me to pay attention to, and to be honest I got dizzy while playing a lot of them since you’re expected to work in a 3D space as opposed to a 2D space so it was really hard for me to process. I really like the hybrid nature of the level designs that’s where Sonic Colours got me.

Sonic Colours isn’t without its hangups: some of the levels are really short; existing mostly for ranking/getting red rings. Sonic’s jump is pretty floaty. The script is fairly short even if the jokes can be funny. Bosses are reused. Sonic Colours is not a perfect game, but the attempts it made were fantastic enough in its own right.

The music continues to be great, but the areas are visual spectacles. Whatever you think of the series, it’s fairly undeniable that the games try to have style. From the lighting, to posing, to setpieces, to colours used in assets in the level design – Sonic has always had really great ideas. Sonic Colours is no exception – areas like Aquarium Park, Planet Wisp, and Sweet Mountain have a variety of neat level ideas and they look good trying to execute it. From popcorn on the floor to one of the best darned water levels in all of video games due to the drill wisp, to a fresh take on a grassy knoll with beautiful music, Sonic Colours can bring tears to your eyes because of what it attempts. Terminal Velocity Act 2 is also one of my favourite parts of the Uncolourations games partially because it’s a well-executed setpiece, but it also showed me that maybe those 3D racing bits aren’t that bad.

The bosses may be really easy, and the final boss ends far sooner than it should before it could perfectly execute its Kamen Rider reference, but I think the point was to fully enjoy the theme park that Sonic Team threw at you this time.

In 2020 I like to say that out of all of the Uncolourations games, Sonic Unleashed is my favourite due to the balance it struck and its presentation/artstyle, and basically having one of the best soundtracks of the previous decade. But I recognise everything that Sonic Colours brought to the table. If it wasn’t for Sonic Colours, I wouldn’t be friends or acquaintances with so many people that I am with now.

Kirby’s Epic Yarn

Have you ever played a game that made you feel warm and toasty? Canadian winters can be really cold, you know.

When I lived at my old run-down house, my old room didn’t have good insulation. Whenever it got cold, my room got really cold. I had my own personal heater because we didn’t really have a good heating system in my room either. So I only wore flannel pyjamas, wrapped myself in faux-wool blankets all the time, and went to sleep covered in at least four quilts or comforters (which is something I still do out of habit sorry). I used to make hot choco every day because it was just so cold in my room.

I love Kirby’s Epic Yarn. Kirby’s Epic Yarn makes me feel warm and toasty inside because I think of being wrapped up in yarn and sheets and scarves and I just feel so happy. There are so many pastels used in KEY’s earlier stages that I can’t help but to feel toasty and happy when I’m playing it. It’s not the most challenging game. The game is really easy and all you mostly do is collect furniture, music, beads, and parts of the results wheel in every level, but I don’t think that’s the point of it. The point is just to have fun. Watching Kirby turn into a car to sprint, watching him turn into a little parachute or transform during those vehicle bits, you just can’t help but to feel so enveloped by the cute.

Being able to interact with cloth by pulling a loose button and releasing something, taking off tags, pulling on stray thread, spin balls of yarn… it feels so fulfilling because it’s a clever use of the medium. It’s exactly what you’d do if you’re stitching or knitting. Placing furniture around Kirby’s little apartment makes the Animal Crossing fan in me so happy.

I appreciate the lengths Good-Feel went to producing the level designs. They took photos of the fabric they bought and created the graphics that way. The music is calm and relaxing, with lots of woodwind and piano and lighter sounding instruments. The entire game feels so soft and sweet. It’s a visually-impressive game since everything animates incredibly fluidly.

Cuphead

Like anyone my age or older, I grew up watching a lot of older cartoons by Max Fleischer with watercolour backgrounds, hand-drawn characters with a lot of focus on expressions, rotoscoping, etc Lots of slapstick and musical scores out of that decade. I would have never believed I’d play a video game that looks like that but here we are playing Cuphead this decade.

Cuphead is a blend of that artstyle with older run and gun style games. It combines a gunning experience with puzzles, reflexive actions, and dying… and dying a lot. And learning. Underneath it’s cartoony and child-friendly veneer lies a game that is unrelentingly difficult. There aren’t really any checkpoints in the game save for one. You can’t regain lost health. It’s just you versus the game. You may spend hours on one single level learning everything about it. And you can’t beat the game until you finish off every other level on regular difficulty.

Different levels have different forms: they can be run and guns á la Contra, which are actually, oddly enough, breathing room levels. They’re probably the “easiest” levels in the game. Other types of levels can be straight up shmup-like boss fights where you’re flying in a plane. They can be hard as a regular shmup.

The best crafted types of levels are the ones that include platforming as part of their boss battles because they use the artstyle and ideas involved in the art piece as interesting platforming mechanics. You have a more limited control scheme but the scenario you’re involved in is really interesting and unique. You fight a woman in a play and the setpieces in the play change according to how far you are in the boss fight, for example. The game also has a parry mechanic whereby you can double-jump off of anything that’s coloured pink and fill your super meter in order to kill bosses faster. The parry cues change per boss so it’s really cool to see what they look like every time you encounter something new.

I think while Cuphead can be utterly unforgiving, I think it should be experienced at least once for how much work was put into making things look so fluid and how creative every boss and level can be. It’s what I wanted the UBIart framework to eventually evolve into. I think the game’s aesthetics and sound are its own reward in addition to that feeling when you finally conquer That One Boss.

Asura’s Wrath

Asura’s Wrath was a game I was incredibly iffy on even buying at all. I heard about how the ending was part of paid DLC, that the game didn’t have a lot of gameplay, and that it was incredibly unremarkable. I don’t think I had a remarkably low bar or anything for this, but I decided to purchase it on the cheap.

Asura’s Wrath definitely isn’t a game for everyone, and I feel as though it’s an acquired taste. The main character’s art might not jive well with everyone, the lack of ‘play’ will probably deter some folks, and its episodic nature/final chapter unlock sequence would probably get on people’s nerves. With that said, at first, it seems to be an action-cinematic game without necessarily expanding on the “action” part. A lot of it at first seems to be a bunch of QTEs to move the narrative along, with the narrative not necessarily being that strong in the first place. I think that’s due in part to the game’s structure initially. The first few chapters and the first act truly don’t seem very remarkable. The Buddhist and Hindu aspects of the game are very obvious and very central to the game’s plot, but at the same time, they don’t seem to be specifically mentioned whenever someone talks about the game to me. The Asuras were not one singular character or a god, but a race of warlike beings exhibiting wrath and pride. They were incorporated into Hinduism and Buddhism through their mention in The Rigveda. With that said, I was continually impressed by how many references—whether it was mere mention of regular terms/concepts/people, the artstyle and inclusions of things like lacquer skin, mandorlas, Vajras and Pretas, and also Siddham script—was included in this game. Asura’s Wrath ended up feeling incredibly natural and a nice way of shedding some light on non-Judeo-Christian religions.

Anyway, I genuinely liked that the game felt like a playable anime. I don’t feel like the game would be as effective if it were put into another genre, or were less cinematic. It ends up getting its message across with its carefully-researched artstyle, great scene direction, well-composed music, and penchant for feeling like it was a fantastic shounen anime. I also feel like the game has more combo-based gameplay than people give it credit for. A lot of the complexities come to the forefront on Hard mode, and going for S-ranks and finding ways to do that quickly and effectively on higher difficulty modes is always an interesting affair.

Ghost Trick: Phantom Detective

I finished marathoning all of the Ace Attorney games in 2010. I don’t recall if I was doing it before Ghost Trick but I think what enticed me to get the game was its amazing animation. I hadn’t seen 2D sprites move that fluidly in a very long time. Characters have exaggerated movements, exaggerated dances (ie: the panic dance), and they have big flashy gestures to show off the game’s animation engine.

You’re introduced to all sorts of eccentric characters, many of whom don’t overstay their welcome (Circus case from AA2, I’m looking at you). You have a desk lamp, a doggo, a dancing detective, a little girl who’s the focal point for one episode, etc. Everyone’s dialogue is relatively snappy, their expressions and animations make them stand out from others, and due to how everything is presented right down to the character art portraits, everything just jumps off the screen.

Because you’re a spirit with amnesia, you’re given the ability to go through time, and also the ability to through environments by hopping from object to object and possessing them in order to influence what happens in the past to save people in the present. This is just a path to trying to figure out who you really are or to find who or what killed you. A lot of the gameplay revolves around trying to figure out which objects to manipulate and when in order to influence an outcome. It makes the game partially point and click, but also partially a physics puzzler. I don’t think I remember a single object in the puzzle segments that was wasted. In other circumstances, you must manipulate time in order to save someone in their last four minutes.

If anything, I feel like Ghost Trick is a necessary inclusion simply because of its style and attention to detail, as well as its sort but sweet story where nothing overstays its welcome. Its soundtrack also feels similar. The game is fairly consistent and nothing really changes in terms of progression over most of the game. But I see that as a plus as opposed to a minus for the most part. It helps to bring the game to a compelling and surprising conclusion.

Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood

I marathoned all of the Assassin’s Creed games in one year prior to Assassin’s Creed III since I wanted to see what the deal was with the series because the first game wasn’t that great from a play perspective for me. The thing that resonates the most with respect to Assassin’s Creed for me is marshmallow-flavoured birthday cake and a bag of regular Bugles. I started this marathon on one of my birthdays that decade.

Assassin’s Creed II is one of my favourite games out there, but Brotherhood adds so much to the formula despite its middling storyline compared to its predecessor. But that’s because most of Ezio’s growth happened in the previous game. He is a middle-aged man searching for the Apple of Eden, and while the story does not carry as much emotional impact, that isn’t exactly what I’m looking for with respect to the earlier AC games.

One of the things I absolutely love about the earlier AC games is its attention to detail even if it isn’t necessarily completely accurate. At first I missed the fact that I could explore many different towns like I could in AC2. But then I realised how big Rome and its surrounding area is. Rome is gigantic, and it has so much attention to detail with historical buildings everywhere (which you need to pay to rebuild), old tapestries from the era, citizens dancing in the streets, lovers flirting with each other behind pillars, etc. There are more roofs and buildings to parkour over and between. The game adds towards that require you to take over them before you can use them to gain access to vendors and things to renovate. You can also find the glyphs (much like the ones from the previous game) to solve puzzles in order to gain access to more lore.

I genuinely love the renovation aspect of this game. It’s more involved and a lot better than what the previous game tried to do with its economy. You renovate in order to gain access to shops, which in-turn generates income for you, and then you can renovate other stuff based on the income that you generate. It’s something that I’ve come to miss in later AC games. It felt a lot like a Suikoden game in some aspects.

Platforming missions return in the form of finding parts of a cult and cutting the beginnings of a conspiracy off by its limbs. They’re faster paced than AC2’s tombs and there is more variety in terms of what you platform through. I like both types equally since one allows you to marvel at the beauty of a cathedral, while the other allows you to clock a few folks while making your way through a lair.

In addition to the lairs, there are different types of missions for each faction that you forge alliances with, there are Da Vinci missions that involve new war toys and blowing things up in a scripted way. Assassin missions can vary in terms of how you carry out the assassins (albeit still scripted; improvisation was not a thing until ACUnity).

The crux of AC: Brotherhood is being able to recruit assassins to your cause. Random citizens throughout Rome may be under attack by Borgia soldiers, and once you save them, they are recruited to join your cause. You level them up, send them out on missions, improve their gear, and ask for their help when you can and when they’re available. This feature gets expanded upon in later AC games but it gets a very good start here.

Brotherhood is so full of content and a lot of little things that playing it for me makes it feel like comfort food for me. It may not have the best story and it certainly isn’t as memorable in that sense as its predecessor. But it’s so fun that I can’t help but to feel satisfied every time I turn it on.

Pac-Man Championship Edition DX

I played the original Pac-Man CE on 360 years ago at my cousin’s house, where they added a timer and a morphing maze to the base original game. I thought it was a neat novel thing at the time but didn’t think further.

Pac-Man CE DX adds more mazes and more mechanics and more modes to the championship edition base. It added sleeping ghosts where, if Pac-Man moves near them, they wake up and they chase him around the maze in a line until you can finally eat them all and rack up a huge score. You can also elect to use a bomb at a small expense in order to save yourself and send ghosts to the middle of the maze again. These changes assist in maintaining the game’s flow and it never makes a score attack daunting or boring.

Devouring big long conga lines of ghosts following you is so satisfying while you’re listening to a bumpin’ soundtrack and chilling out looking at the cool lights on the maze. Really and truly, while at its core, PMCEDX is a score attack game, it makes for a beautiful loving chill sensory experience and I couldn’t ask anything more from it.

Deadly Premonition / レッドシーズプロファイル

I think I, like a lot of people, was introduced to this game via the GB series. I didn’t have an Xbox 360 so I eventually imported the Japanese version for the PS3. The game’s dub was already in English; the text was in Japanese and it was pretty easy and reasonable to get through. Deadly Premonition actually the Guinness World Record winner for most critically polarizing horror video game since the reviews at the time were so all over the place. And yes, I will contend that Deadly Premonition is definitely not for everyone.

I am not the type of person to play shooters. I actually hate them a lot. I don’t like gushing blood in video games, and I don’t really like the act of murdering someone in a game. I used to play a lot of survival horror games when I was younger on the PS1 and PS2, but a lot of the time you’re dealing with the undead or oddball things going on around you so it’s not nearly as bad I think. It’s funny; I deal with people’s bodily fluids and body parts all the time in real life as part of my job (ie: I’ve had to help dissect someone’s stomach before fresh out of the operating room), and it doesn’t bother me. But the mere act of seeing it done or doing it, makes me feel squeamish. I don’t like it. I don’t even like watching blood being drawn from me or needles being stuck into me, even though I’ve done it to other people as part of my work.

For the most part, inexplicably, in Deadly Premonition, you’re dealing with the undead anyhow. I’m not the best person at shooters, but I certainly know what’s a good one and what isn’t. Deadly Premonition is not a very good shooter. It’s really janky. Some of the weapons don’t make sense in terms of how balanced they are. The controls are also really janky. This is not really a surprise considering the game’s strength wasn’t supposed to be its shooter aspects. In fact, those parts weren’t even supposed to be there.

Deadly Premonition is often cited as an artistic piece or a good game simply because of its story and character writing. It has an excellent main character who was cast almost perfectly. It has a lot of eccentric characters filling the town of Greenvale to help you solve the murder mystery or help obstruct it. The end result of having an unreliable narrator works out in the game’s favour. It helped sprout pop culture references, weird humour, quirky dialogue and more. I have certainly never watched Twin Peaks but I got the allusions either way since the show was so big. Slowly uncovering how every cast member lives their lives throughout the town and every day makes you more emotionally connected with them.

Greenvale is more of a sandbox than just a place where a crime is committed. You can play darts. You can race cars. You can do a ton of sidequests somewhere that will reward you elsewhere. You can collect trading cards??? You can carry some lady holding a pot everywhere? You can taste-test for one of your coworkers? You can do a lot of stuff that makes zero sense but I still end up enjoying it all anyway.

It looks like a PS2 or Dreamcast game or something and I almost found that utterly endearing in the era in which it was released. The soundtrack itself is so dissonant and doesn’t always fit the situation. Sometimes the sound mixing is so all over the place that it often results in making a scene more hilarious than it should be. There’s a song that’s just… American Idiot… on the soundtrack for some reason. Along the way, you start wondering “is this game real? Am I real? Is this really happening right now?” and yes, yes it is.

In the end, because of its cult success and getting people talking, it allowed Swery 65 to make more games. Deadly Premonition was lightning in a bottle for him. He followed up with D4: Dark Dreams Don’t Die (unfortunately in limbo). He cowrote Lord of Arcana and Lord of Apocalypse. He recently released The Missing. If anything, I’m more interested in what he makes. I’m eagerly looking forward to The Good Life.

999: Nine Hours, Nine Persons, Nine Doors

Text/Puzzle-adventures, rather than pure visual novels, became a staple of some players’ libraries due in part of the popular Ace Attorney series, Professor Layton series, and whatever Mystery Case File games that were published by Nintendo. 999 is not a pure visual novel. It’s a puzzle adventure game with visual novel elements. With art by Kinu Nishimura and a story written by Kotaro Uchikoshi (who had a few visual novels under his belt), it was difficult for me to ignore this game. I was also at a point where I really wanted to get into a lot of the games that Aksys published so it was a natural choice to buy.

A lot of the localization and language in this game was edited so that while it stays true to the spirit of the original language, a lot of care was put into making the dialogue and writing sound natural in the English language versus going line by line exactly. It worked out in the game’s favour because the script was fairly large. Based on Uchikoshi’s past games, he likes to ask a question and generally incorporate some pseudoscience in his narratives. 999’s version of pseudoscience ended up being morphogenetic fields (see: Rupert Sheldrake). This theory ended up the basis for a few characters and it is the way the story unravels. He also took inspiration from another older game of Chunsoft’s: Banshee’s Last Cry where the player is put into an unsettling position right off the bat. Indeed, 999 starts the player in media res, but the player is already in trouble when you begin to control the main character.

The puzzles were added to the game so that it would be received well by a wider audience than just visual novel readers. They were naturally and seamlessly integrated into the experience that the game became almost wholly about the puzzle rooms and whatever flavour dialogue occurred during the puzzle rooms. A lot of inspiration seems to have been taken from browser-based escape games like the Crimson Room from 2004. Escape the Room games were a subgenre of point and click adventure games and it was nice seeing the concept integrated in a narrative experience that wasn’t Myst (see: http://www.fasco-cs.net/ for more information). Due to the puzzles being a fundamental part of the game’s story, with them getting more and more difficult, the final puzzle for the entire game at the end of the true route is both a relief and also incredibly impactful due to using both of the DS screens and also revealing a lot to the player about the narrative.

If I had criticism for the game, I feel like it would be having to play the game repeatedly, doing the same puzzles repeatedly in order to unlock another prerequisite ending for the true ending. I did not play the later port which rectifies this but I’m not entirely sure that being able to see the branches would be great for the game either. I also feel like, just like a lot of Uchikoshi’s writing and previous games, that when the characters start cracking jokes when they have to urgently do things to not die, the tone feels a little off.

With that said, 999 is one of the more compelling text/puzzle-adventures from last decade, and it uses its native platform to its advantage. There weren’t a lot of games that used the DS screens to convey a narrative properly but when you are faced with the revelation that the game was using the two screens for a remarkable reason, you feel like the game is a natural and powerful addition to any DS library and gives significance for the dual screens.

Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance

The funniest thing about Metal Gear Rising was that I actually disliked it at the beginning when I first started playing it. I didn’t know what I was doing half the time, and I didn’t ‘get’ the parry mechanic. At first, I guess I was playing it for the sake of playing it? It definitely took me a while to even warm up to it. The camera was obnoxious (and still gets to be obnoxious in some places), and I felt incredibly nauseous while playing it sometimes.

It wasn’t until I got to the Mistral boss that I finally … found what I was looking for… I’m sorry. I’m serious, though. Metal Gear Rising truly shines during the boss battles. When I finished that particular boss battle, I’d reflected that I was smiling like an idiot the entire way through. I don’t think I’d fought satisfying boss battles in years prior to that. Returning to previous chapters told me that Platinum really likes to frame and teach players via trial by fire. Learn to parry yourself, here’s a test to see if you can parry well and you can get a trophy for it, here’s the final test to see if you can even parry (Monsoon). I loved that Metal Gear Rising threw a lot of what we knew about Metal Gear Solid out of the window, with a significantly interesting score, boss battles that centre around the climax of a battle (expertly done via excellent sound design as I noted in my SotY writeup this year), and a more interesting and personable version of Raiden. It relies far more on offense than defense and stealth, and that’s okay to me. It ends up separating Raiden even more from Snake.

The final boss is a love-it-or-hate-it sort of affair, and I ended up loving every single part of it. I felt like it was one of the best final bosses in years. Don’t know how to parry? You’re fucked. Don’t know how to use the game’s other offensive rush tactics like Defensive Offense and running? Good luck. The game makes sure you try to know how to do these things before even bothering to attempt the boss, with the major roadblock being Monsoon. And if you can’t parry by then, the game brutally tells you that you aren’t doing it right by making the boss battles ramp up to significantly require you to use one of the game’s core mechanics for elegant combat. This isn’t the most elegantly-designed game whatsoever. In fact, it can be really sloppy. With that said, it’s one of the better action games I played all decade.

Papers, Please!

Papers, Please is work. It feels like work because it is work. You can grant freedom and admittance to people, or you can just take their freedom away or not permit them to cross the border. Everything you do is controlled by the government, or by rules and regulations. If you do something wrong, you’re written up. Do enough wrong, and your pay is cut. Do enough wrong and your pay is cut multiple times, and you can’t provide enough for your family. Everything about the game just feels like work. Even right down to the end of the day when the whole thing feels like a budget calculation and spreadsheets. Everything about the game’s UI feels a lot like work. Where do you allocate space to do your job? How much money do you allocate to heat/food/medicine? It ends up feeling very tedious, but somehow fulfilling.

You are an immigration officer in a fictional Soviet state. The interesting part of the game is that it doesn’t only feel like a job, but it also feels like government and self-evaluation. You end up studying why the government keeps regulating the border the way they do, and thinking about how mundane the job can be. You know that people’s livelihood and family lives hinge on whether or not they cross the border, and sometimes your penchant for following the rules and disallowing people across the border may be called into question when people plead with you to go through. Do you accept docked pay so you can reunite people or save people from slavery, or do you do as you’re told and live with the consequences of your actions. In a small way, your ethics are called into question. It’s a nice reminder that a lot of things, despite people being people and having their own stories, generally seem to come down to bureaucracy and pieces of paper as opposed to a full understanding of humanity or extenuating circumstances.

I’d also like to add that Jorji is one of the best characters of 2013 to me. I think his glass half-full philosophy / if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again philosophy is something to look forward to whenever I encounter him in-game.

In many ways, Papers, Please feels a lot like the Milgram experiment. Are you going to make cruel judgement calls to separate a family, or keep people in slavery because the authorities and higher-ups essentially tell you to do your job so you can keep your family healthy? Papers, Please in many ways is written incredibly well. It doesn’t use reams of text to make you understand the overall premise of the game but through your actions, you’re also helping to tell the story. That’s the sort of weird and wonky player “agency” that I find interesting.

World of Final Fantasy

The Final Fantasy series had a better decade than the last decade, I feel, considering the quantity of releases increase from the previous decade. However, it had a lot of growing pains to deal with at the beginning of the decade. Final Fantasy games sell well all the time, and more people playing games than ever, it makes sense that sales numbers continuously increase. Attach rates aren’t as large. Final Fantasy XIV came out in 2010 and it was not a good game at all to the point of having to be structured for its 2013 re-release. Final Fantasy XIII had mixed reviews, as well as its subsequent direct sequels. Final Fantasy All the Bravest wasn’t exactly the best mobile debut for the series. The brand also suffered from dilution – the Final Fantasy name was attached to almost anything and everything for the sake of sales, and numerous spinoffs were released and the quality varied.

Final Fantasy Versus XIII and Final Fantasy Agito XIII, originally planned to be part of the Fabula Nova Crystallis setting with Final Fantasy XIII were renamed and rebranded/redesigned to be their own titles: Final Fantasy XV and Final Fantasy Type-0. Both games also had mixed reviews and multiple delays. If anything, I can probably say that this decade was the most divisive for Final Fantasy fans.

World of Final Fantasy came out during the same year Final Fantasy XV. I think I’ve made my feelings about Final Fantasy XV fairly well-known. Perhaps my feelings about that game influenced how I felt about World of Final Fantasy but as someone who has played this series for decades (for reference: the first game is one year older than I am, and my first Final Fantasy was the first game), I felt like World of Final Fantasy was a love letter written to fans like me. I am a long-standing fan of the series over the course of decades and have been through its up and downs, and while I don’t like every game in the series (we all know how I feel about half of the games in the series, after all), I can still look at them for their influence on the rest of the series. I also like the newer games equally as the older games and dislike and like games from all of the eras, so I don’t really have issues with how the series is represented in general unless the games are really bad.

World of Final Fantasy feels like a Kingdom Hearts-esque exploration of the Final Fantasy games while throwing Pokemon into the mix. It involves a lot of older references as well as bringing new references in and throwing it into a presentation mode that fans of all ages can enjoy. The main characters are chibi which fits right into how the older games represented characters, but they can also grow taller to represent how the newer games are represented. You can create stacks of party members according to their height and balance well accordingly out of classic Final Fantasy enemies and characters in order to battle against other classic Final Fantasy characters, villains, and monsters.

The game is exactly what I wanted a mainline Final Fantasy to look. It retains a cartoony look, embracing stylization while adding so much detail to the areas’ setpieces so that they also stand out while the characters move around on the map. I also felt like the score was also a brilliant blend of old and new: with Masashi Hamauzu composing the score but also remixing older Uematsu themes to fit within the context of the score. The score was loftier compared to Hamauzu’s older works and the strings, synth, and piano works incredibly well to bring the game’s world to life.

The idea for WoFF was to try to bring younger fans into the fold, hence the Pokemon-like influence for using and rearing many classic FF enemies so that children could start to recognise them. The loftier script was also written in-mind taking into account both lighter storytelling from older FF titles and some darker bits taking into account newer Final Fantasy games. I’m not too sure that SE was very successful with bringing younger fans into the fold, but the way the game was written fit well with what I remember liking about FF for the first few games I had played. I also enjoyed that characters were chosen for their involvement to the plot versus them simply picking the most popular ones. This is why we got characters like Eiko and Shelke as well as regular FF mainstays. All of the characters were woven into the story well, as citizens of Grymoire as opposed to characters who just have their regular identities transported into Grymoire instead.

I felt like the Pokemon mechanic was handled well. I even loved it enough to have the idea commissioned in combination with our FFXIV characters. I liked that it changed up whatever skills you had access to, it influenced your stats, and it looked adorable to boot.

I would absolutely love to see a mainline game made by this team because I felt like the loose style of storytelling and worldbuilding made for a very good Final Fantasy game, and in essence, WoFF was the real Final Fantasy XV to me. It felt more “Final Fantasy” than a lot of the games released in the same decade, or even compared to ones released in the previous decade. It was a nice step and touch to demonstrating that there were staff members who remembered what Final Fantasy is to older fans.

Va-11 Hall-A

I’m too young to have a big attachment to older PC games like the ones on the MSX or the PC-88/98. But I’ve always had a fondness for their graphics and their music, like sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong time or something. It’s one of the reasons why I gravitated hard to the PC Engine—I felt like it was a way for me to finally experience stuff like that.

Valhalla is supposed to be a bartending simulator but in reality, mixing drinks is a bit of a break and distraction between the visual novel bits. Usually if you’re stuck in a futuristic landscape akin to Bubblegum Crisis or Blade Runner, you’re asked to investigate a mystery or explore it. But nope, you’re a bartender making drinks and making enough to scrape by and pay your rent. You hear a lot about the world from various clientele while you serve them drinks but you don’t necessarily have to do anything with the information they give you.

I worked as a medical administrator for a few years and over that time, I got to hear a lot of stories, meet some famous people (like been on TV people or youtubers or people who got paid to do things for celebrities), and just meet a lot of neat and interesting regular people. I got to hear stories about people’s health or their personal lives or witness people falling in or out of love. You don’t necessarily have to do anything with that information (in fact you can’t due to patient confidentiality), but the stories become sealed in your head. I can’t help but to think of some of these people I met for those few years or where they are now. I actually run into some of them at my current lab so I keep getting to see some of their stories. You eventually learn how quickly icebreak in situations like these to make people feel at ease or find a topic of conversation while they’re waiting. I even used my phone to gauge news because a lot of the time when I got home, I was too tired to do anything or getting news in the palm of my hand was incredibly easy to do.

In this sense, I understood Valhalla. It may look dull and it doesn’t look special but you’re the one who makes it so that it doesn’t have a dull moment in the bar. You’re the one who has to make it enjoyable even if your pay sucks. Because you don’t want to be miserable either. It’s through the conversations with others that you learn about Jill because she has to add commentary too. Everyone has a different way of requesting something and it’s up to you to figure out how to decipher it. It’s a lot of like practice in being in the service industry. You need to consistently gauge a conversation in order to actually give the client what they want to unlock more conversation.

The pacing in this game may be a little slow, but it doesn’t feel like a hindrance because the writing is really good. Something always happens to keep you interested or you have to mix drinks to keep yourself on your toes. The humour comes across well, and nothing really falls flat. Part of the reason why I feel like the writing is genuine is because the game’s developers wanted to write something that reflected how they live in Venezuela, akin to laughter in the middle of despair according to the developers. The writing is balanced well with the music and the visuals which makes the whole package a wonderful experience.

This game also has Rad Shiba so it belongs on the list by default.

El Shaddai: Ascension of the Metatron

I had gone to Catholic Schools all my life. I was even in a nursery school operated by nuns when I was a toddler, and they always tried to get me to write with my right hand instead of my left (which left me ambidextrous for some things lol). Because of my experiences with religion growing up, I absolutely had questions and doubts and concerns with metaphysics, theology, and epistemology. Every Catholic, I think, as they grow up and have to take religion classes, and having to take what the province mandates as metaphysics are somehow inserted into math and biology syllabi without even being mentioned in the coursework at all, questions it. And that’s okay. You should. The best religion and philosophy teacher I ever had growing up always said we should question everything we learn including what he taught us.

Going through school, though, and reading the Bible and having Bible study, my friends and I always sorta wondered what it’d be like if a game was made about this stuff? I know it may be a little sacrilegious but there are so many stories in there that would fit a game. Throughout my life, as I became acquainted with others from different branches of Christianity or other western religions, I talked with others who played games who… surprisingly had the same ideas and desires? It probably won’t ever be done. El Shaddai is inspired by the Book of Enoch and while it is considered as non-canon in most Christian and Jewish sects, I guess it might come close to what some of us wanted.

El Shaddai was a game that I picked up mostly because I bought almost every niche game back then. I just looked at some of the trailers, thought it looked just okay, and picked it up because I felt like Ignition was going out of business and it would be a novelty item. Ignition did not have the best reputation among the people I talked to back then. I played Lux-Pain whose localization left a lot to be desired. Nostalgia was a middling RPG. Arc Rise Fantasia’s localization left a lot to be desired despite being a good game. Deadly Premonition had an English dub already but the text localization wasn’t that great. I felt like El Shaddai was the most polished game that Ignition released. They got incredibly great voice actors, including Jason Isaacs. They developed a score attack combo ranking system for replayability. They had a fantastic art director and background art. They made two bishounen that screamed for female audiences to pay attention.

All of it didn’t exactly work out for the time the game came out, and I always contended that the game was released before its time. Unfortunately, all the effort put into El Shaddai didn’t exactly save Ignition. I feel like if El Shaddai were released in the later half of the decade, it would have been accepted. However, I also feel like its marketing was mishandled. It doesn’t feel like a Devil May Cry successor. It shifts between genres continuously. It is very much like Nier in this regard: it is not for everyone and it has its own unique feel that sets it apart from other games. It is also a score attack action game, not a hard character action game.

One thing I really enjoyed about El Shaddai was that all of the setpieces aren’t exactly the same. It ranges from a watercolour painting to abstraction to 2D children art to more abstraction to Final Fantasy VII and keep going like that. It references rhythm games, 2D Platformers, racing games, action games, Devil May Cry (with its own brand of Devil Trigger to boot), and other genres to create something that syncs up very well with the rest of the game due to lore reasons: different enemies prefer different things so that’s why each environment looks different or the gameplay styles may be a little different. I’m okay with this because it shakes things up per chapter and the game doesn’t feel stale at all. You’re expected to adjust to new mechanics per area.

The combat is a lot like Rock-Paper-Scissors, where certain weapons beat other weapons, or some bosses change which weapons they’re weak against (and the game gives you other weapons so you can adjust accordingly during fights). The weapon you wield also modify your platforming abilities (ex: one allows Enoch to dash, one weighs him down, etc), and they also vary in terms of character strength. In order to obtain G-rankings for each stage, the player needs to analyse which weapon would be the most useful for certain enemies and combo while guarding, guard-breaking, and stealing enemies’ weapons.

I am putting El Shaddai on this list because I really enjoyed it for what it was. It’s a brilliant score attack action game with a fantastic soundtrack and fantastic art design. It made for a pleasant sensory experience and made some religious figures fairly compelling with good character designs. It’s definitely one of the most rewarding and prettiest score attack games I’ve played this decade.

To the Moon

Everyone goes through life with regrets. I’m in my thirties now and I think I’ve done things I’ve regretted, or I didn’t other to do something and I’ve regretted that. Kan Gao was inspired by his grandfather’s illness when he was writing and making To the Moon, he’s noted that when he gets old and when his time would come, he might end up regretting some decision he’d made throughout his entire life. Everyone goes through that when faced with introspection. You can have the courage to love, you can feel pain, you can live your life fully, or not live it enough. To the Moon explores this, and while the writing isn’t the best and can be a little messy (this gets improved on in Gao’s later sequels to this game: A Bird Story and Finding Paradise), I understand what To the Moon was trying to accomplish. To the Moon is an exploration of everything that life throws at us, and the results of the decisions made throughout our lives that touches everyone and everything around us until our time passes.

Eventually you build up so many wishes and have a big bucket list but eventually there will come a time where you won’t remember why half of those things are on those lists. To the Moon relates the story of Johnny Wyles, an elderly man on his deathbed with one wish: to go to the moon. The problem is that he could not remember why. The general flow of Gao’s games have involved two scientists from Sigmund Corp, specialising in wish fulfillment at the end of someone’s life, creating memories for people in their final moments to generate comfort for the patient. How ever you may feel about the moral implications of generating false memories for someone prior to their end of life, this is merely a set up for traveling through time to understand what the patient had wanted and what they’d accomplished.

Johnny’s character revolves around another character with an ASD. I will also note that my brother has autism (compounded with a multisystem syndrome). While the central focus was on Asperger’s Syndrome (Tony Attwood books being mentioned in the game), I’m a little happy that ASDs are being brought up in games and the game truly hit home for me. The writing may not be stellar, but I felt that the theme of the impact of medical disorders was communicated well. Particularly the theme of why communication and connections with others is so difficult for those with ASDs and those who take care of those who have ASDs. It’s easy to sympathize with the characters trying to express what they mean to each other.

The game itself is relatively short. Regardless of its length, players must confront some uncomfortable situations and emotions that people struggle with daily or even at different points in our lives. I’m older now and I appreciate this game a little more since I’ve come to experience more of what the game had been trying to tell me a decade ago. The writing may not be the best, and it can be a little messy at times with respect to how it’s presented and written, but a lot of its messages come across as utterly genuine. Slowly unraveling the reasoning behind Johnny’s desire to go to the moon is beautiful. This game is quite human and I appreciate all three games that are a part of this subseries that came out this decade. I am looking forward to more.

Nier Gestalt

If you’ve played a Drakengard game or the first Nier game at all, you kind of know what you’re getting into. Not the best graphics of the decade, plays pretty janky, having bosses that can be difficult to manage, etc. So going into Nier Gestalt in 2010, I knew what I was getting into. Not a lot of people bothered playing this game since I don’t think it got as much promotion considering it came out during the same year a mainline Final Fantasy game got localized. Nier also got a little scrutiny since the west got a different protagonist from the Japanese version. I will say that this worked out in its favour, since the protagonist being one of the central character’s father versus her brother makes for a better, more interesting story than having yet another shounen protagonist.

I will support the case that, like the Drakengard games before it, Nier Gestalt was difficult to get into. The gameplay is jank. Easy is too easy. Normal doesn’t drop enough stuff to warrant playing on the mode. Hard can be a little hard but eventually it evens out. I generally used spears for the charge portion of the combo but in the end it doesn’t necessarily matter what weapon type you use. It doesn’t even matter if you use magic or not unless the game prompts you to do so. It’s either broken or not and the game doesn’t have a set balance for anything. Combos are boring and you’re essentially mashing a button. Even playing through the Nightmare DLC for extra drops, it continues being like this. I was used to playing shmups so it wasn’t necessarily revolutionary that AoE attacks looked as though they were spat out from a shmup either.

I wasn’t quite understanding why game started acquiring a cult following, because what I’d played of it was pretty boring and standard. “It’s just a regular ARPG starring an older character versus a young protagonist,” I said to myself. I guess that was the reason. I didn’t quite understand why, even past acquiring Kaine, because I guess I accepted that there weren’t a lot of NPCs and certain towns were the way they were due to, what I surmised were, RPG conventions. It wasn’t until I finished the questline for the brothers, where their mother tried to run away with a man and abandon her children, that I finally started to understand.

Within every substory, there was something that resonated with someone. I couldn’t fathom why someone would want to abandon their responsibilities, and at the same time I understood. Sometimes you just want to take care of yourself. With the way the older brother sort of understood why even through his anger and disappointment, it resonated with me. I finally ‘got’ the story, so I wanted to play more. This became one of those rare games where I played only for the story and lore and abandoned any hopes of the gameplay getting better. I fished, I upgraded weapons, I did enough sidequests for the trophies. I almost platinumed this game, but since the drop rates are so terrible for this game, I didn’t.

I started enjoying the game for what it was. It was genuinely a fun romp where it feels like everyone taking part in the game’s design contributed something unique and something they were fond of. If you read any interview from Emi Evans from this time period, you’d realise language is something she’s particularly fond of, so much of the composition and lyrical content of every song was a phoneme from any language that would make it sound like an evolved or a sort of Esperanto version of a current language. This came into play with the game’s lore, and many of the interviews were interesting to read from back then.

Many of the game’s stages borrowed from different genres of video games. There were the obvious shmup references, the rail shooter reference, the visual novel reference, the Resident Evil/fixed angle horror game reference, the Shadow of the Colossus references, the 2D platformer references, the Zelda references, the top-down puzzle game references, etc. For what the game lacked with respect to its combat, the game excelled at reliving genres and putting maps together in such a way that it felt like an ode to other games and genres that inspired it. The City of Façade’s language being a loose phoneme reconstruction of Japanese felt right at home with the dungeon’s Zelda references complete with Zelda fanfare for me. The Forest of Myth being one long visual novel was so hilarious and unique at the same time.

Playing more of the game and opening up the lore with every playthrough was neat. I don’t particularly like when games waste my time, but Nier made each new playthrough worth it. Killing bosses quickly for a trophy, redoing dungeons to see the enemies’ perspectives, and unlocking more of the story and learning more about the world that came from a Drakengard ending felt satisfying. As someone who was studying linguistics at the time, constructing nonsense words from drops out of different morphemes to act as accessories or armour was really amazing for me.

Much of Nier felt organically put together, from characters’ writing and what they wanted from each other, to the dungeon design, to maybe even the combat design… it felt like a truly special game made from the heart with as much lore as it could possibly include. I had purchased the Nightmare DLC primarily to get weapon drops and while it isn’t nearly as interesting as the rest of the game, it has some implications for the lore. The music and resulting soundscape lends so much to the worldbuilding and includes many peoples’ languages from the area with French, Japanese, English, German, etc phonemes thrown around to sound utterly organic and special.

At the end of this, I have come to realise that despite saying to myself that I never played this game for the game… I’ve been lying to myself this entire time. I actually did play the game for its game parts. Those are the bits I remember the most about it, and they’re the reasons why I genuinely loved the game. It’s unforgettable for me and it’s why it’s one of my favourites in general.

Final Fantasy XIV: Heavensward

I did not care about MMOs in my late 20s because I was far more focused on finishing school and actually working hard in my field. I think by the end of university, I barely played games because I literally didn’t have time for them. I probably stressed myself out a lot. I threw myself into a semester where I had what felt like 500 evaluations, had to study a lot, had to write papers, and I ended up breaking up with my ex-boyfriend amicably. I was on my own a lot and to be honest, I think I felt okay that way. I think maybe others thought I was unapproachable.

My best friend now turned fiancé had been begging me to start playing Final Fantasy XIV for a really long time, since he was in the beta prior to its 2.0 release. I made excuses and said I won’t play until a speedster class was implemented since nothing really stuck out at me. In reality, I was mostly busy. Well, Ninja got implemented late 2014, so I ran out of excuses. I got a copy of ARR but to be honest, I didn’t have time for it and I didn’t play it much so I didn’t bother to try harder since my focus was elsewhere.

Luckily, I got into a semester where I didn’t have that much coursework to think about so I ended up playing XIV more. I caught up during ARR and really my intention was to only play through ARR and finish the story and quit. But my fiancé’s friends were so nice and welcoming to me. When the servers shut down for Heavensward maintainance and I’d finished the ARR storyline literally that night, I made the conscious decision to buy Heavensward. By that time, I was falling a little too hard for my best friend and I really liked my newfound friends. I wasn’t ready to leave Eorzea yet.

Of course, I had some quests to finish up during Early Access so I didn’t get the opportunity to play with anyone I knew during the main storyline for Heavensward. Heavensward was leaps and bounds above anything I experienced in ARR. The story was well-written, the English voices were recast and given better direction, character deaths were meaningful, a smaller cast made for good character building, the environments were large and you could only assume things happened in each area eventually (they didn’t in the long run), each area was different, it reminded me of Canada… Heavensward made me feel at home.

Almost every job felt built on, since nothing was really truly culled. A lot of what you got felt like an extension of what you already did. The three new jobs didn’t start out too well or too balanced. Machinist was a mess. Astrologian felt weird. Dark Knight had some growing pains but probably performed the best out of the three once the Alexander raid was implemented given that its specialty at the time centered on magic defense. I was one of the five people who really liked bowmage since it required you to think before you cast but you still did a lot of damage if you thought before firing. I swapped to an omnihealer main officially halfway through the patches because my fiancé requested it.

Heavensward had a lot of growing pains. For all the team did for the base game, they took a six-month vacation to recharge. 3.1 wasn’t really worth the wait and a lot of people quit the game or stopped playing because nothing really meaningful was added to the game other than a faceroll raid, poorly-tuned exploration missions, and two dungeons. Gordias earlier in the expansion nearly killed the raiding community as a whole. 3.2 didn’t fare too much better, though it did add the best raid tier that has yet to be topped. 3.3 was when FFXIV solidified itself as an MMO with a grand story to tell, with one of the best conclusions a Final Fantasy game had seen in almost a decade. The sound design was near-perfect for this patch, and it was when a lot of us genuinely felt comfortable with the game and its future. Heavensward wasn’t perfect; it still had its missteps and balancing issues, but it was the most comfortable and profoundly skilled I’d ever felt with the game.

Final Fantasy XIV may not be what it used to be. I feel old and I feel like I’ve played the game for a really long time. Now while it’s riding the wave of success, currently having the best story Final Fantasy has seen in a very long time, I can’t help but to remember Heavensward when we finally felt assured about the game and it felt like a cohesive gift to players who were active at that time. I got to know so many people during Heavensward, and now I’m engaged to my best friend partially due to our experiences together playing at that time.

Undertale

The late half of 2015 was a really bad year for me. The first half was really great. I started playing FFXIV often, I finished the hardest year I’ve ever had of my 9 years of university so far with high grades and was going full-on hard into my residency year, I fell in love with my best friend. I was pretty happy since I finally felt very successful.

If anyone can recall (or this may be new to the person who is reading this), towards the end of 2015 my dad was falsely accused by our neighbour of possession of a weapon (it was a gardening tool), and he had a restraining order put against him so he couldn’t live with us anymore. My little brother is severely disabled so that’s why I still lived at home so I could help out. Without my dad around, it was so much harder. I came home from my days at the hospital every day after a 12-hour day, had to babysit my brother since my mom still cooked food to carry for my dad who had to live at my aunt’s, somehow had to find time to study for my licensing exam and do some work for school and my thesis, had to find time to socialise a tiny bit otherwise I’d go crazy, maybe had to take my brother to his appointments by coming home a little early, and then had to find whatever time I had left to sleep. I stopped posting on message boards because I literally had no time to do so and I wouldn’t have anything of value to contribute to discussions either.

I detached myself from a lot of people. It was actually kind of lonely. It was really hard. I lashed out at people when I shouldn’t have. I don’t look back on those days other than the bright spots with fondness at all.

Before that, everyone was telling me to play Undertale but I sort of didn’t want to? I felt like the fanbase was sort of making the game unapproachable around the time it came out. By the end of the year, I was so out of the loop about games that I didn’t give a hoot. A friend of mine, Shadow Hog, bought the game for me on Steam. I still have the e-mail message for it.

My now-fiancé got his own copy so we could play it together because at that point I didn’t want to do much of anything alone. I was actually sinking deeper into depression and verging on a mental breakdown. I was not mentally sound and every single week it felt like someone had to save me from doing something stupid.

I started Undertale and I didn’t really think much of it at the start. I can’t remember when it started clicking with me but maybe it was around the time I got into a battle with Tsunderplane and Vulkin and got to Hotland that I gave up and started having fun with it because it was just… silly. It was time to let down your hair and have some fun for once and not feel completely guilty about it.

The idea of having to win and achieving a certain ending by sparing your enemy isn’t necessarily new – SMT’s demon negotiation, Silent Hill 2’s morality system, and MGS3’s fight with the Sorrow have some sort of sparing mechanic. The hybrid of a turn-based battle system with enemy negotiation, as well as dodge system inspired by a shmup makes every encounter both strategic (ie: having to avoid bullets while also sparing enemies in a set order per battle) and consistently active. Unless you are going for a certain other ending, you cannot just sit there and hold down the attack button and expect to win. That said, this makes a lot of encounters a little longer than a standard RPG battle, but the flavour text for each uniquely-designed enemy makes many of the battle worth it. Undertale isn’t a hard game unless you’re playing on a certain route. But I don’t necessarily think the gameplay part of Undertale speaks properly for it. The dungeon maps are relatively simple. They all have their little gimmicks. The battle system is relatively easy to understand.

The reason why Undertale has such a prolific fanbase is primarily because of its character writing and ability to make and use memes properly enough that they catch on. Many of the characters are easily encountered early, are easy to draw (propels a lot of fanart), and understand due to the character writing. What also helps is that the game is 4-6 hours long, and it came out at the right time with the right kind of word of mouth. Undertale could have easily fallen into the sea like so many other RPGs before it but it didn’t. My fiancé and I were shopping for work clothes one day at a store that sells business clothing, construction clothing, and scrubs. He was wearing a shirt with the Delta Rune on it since he loves game shirts that are relatively subtle. Even then, one of the sales clerks pointed it out and was pretty excited to see it. It was pretty crazy to both of us how popular Undertale had gotten. I don’t think the popularity was unwarranted. I think it’s a fantastic game, helped by a considerably lengthy varied and catchy soundtrack. Granted, I was not as exposed to how explosive its popularity was when it came out. But I understood why so many people liked it. It wasn’t for its gameplay.

As I progressed through Undertale, instead of thinking of the lore (which was well-written), I was thinking of how the monsters treated your character with respect and love because you treated them that way. They didn’t go out of their way to fear you, and welcomed you as one of their own. In the end, they were hesitant to even kill you, and you were hesitant to kill them. Even then you still had the spare/save commands.

At the very end, you only had the Save command.

And that’s how I felt. When Hopes and Dreams started playing, I couldn’t help but to cry. When I was repeatedly nudged to press the Save command, I didn’t actually feel like the game nudged me to do so. That was something I wanted to do. Just remembering how depressed I was when I started playing this game and then progressing to its true end with Hopes and Dreams and SAVE the World playing, I couldn’t help but to feel like my hopes and dreams were still alive.

Even if I was going through a really hard time in my life, hope was still there as long as I had people around me that supported me all the way through. That was the time in my life that I realised who my real friends were. And in the end, I felt like Undertale told me my friends saved me and that my dreams weren’t crushed, now matter what threw at me.

And that’s why it’s my game of the decade. It may not be the most perfect game that came out this decade or the objectively best-crafted, but it did so much for me. When I was prompted for my game of the decade, Undertale was the first thing that popped into my head. I didn’t question it. I just knew. I don’t think we’ll get another Undertale again in my lifetime, but I’m glad to say that I gave it a shot and I love it for what it is.

#games of the decade #gotd

6 notes · View notes

tok3r · 4 years

Text

News Punch

I Was An Alien Abductee – What I Have To Say Will Shock You

Sean Adl-Tabatabai

3 years ago

An alien abductee has come forward and publicly revealed the plan extraterrestrials have for humanity in the next few years. After being abducted by aliens for the last 17 years of his life, the anonymous abductee says he wants to share his experience with the public so they can learn the truth about extraterrestrials.

In an online post on a popular conspiracy forum, the alien abductee reveals:

How aliens are able to communicate via telepathy with eachother and humans

The secrets about Earth’s history hidden from us by our rulers

How the universe came into existence (it was NOT the Big Bang or ‘God’ according to these beings)

What the future for the human race holds

Full Disclosure: Revelations of an Extraterrestrial Encounter.

My name is [redacted]. I’m [redacted] years old and I’m going to let you know right away, there’s a whole lot to digest about who I am, why I’m here, and what I’ve gone through in my life.

The thoughts that will go through your head as you read this have kept me awake hundreds of sleepless nights in my life.

I’ve questioned my sanity many times over, but I assure you, in every way possible, I am quite sane.

I’m not endorsing this story, or saying it even really truly happened. I’m only saying I believe this happened to me.

I could be crazy. I could be getting used to spread distraction. I don’t know. I’m just going with what’s gone on in my head over forty years, and saying it like it is.

Just keep in mind If i was telling this for any other reason than a true love for this planet, I’d be telling it to a Hollywood agent or book publisher and charging you money to read it. I’m not.

We all have our reasons for being drawn to the esoteric. Mine was UFOS.

Not my interest in them, but their interest in me. It started when I was only 4 years old. And it’s gone on ever since.

My first experience was a face to face meeting with a strange little Being. We communicated by telepathy and that connection remains today.

It’s a one way kind of communication. I’ve asked a million questions but never really got an answer to any of them.

Well except for one I suppose. I guess she must be able to hear me. The one question I asked the most was answered. It just wasn’t the answer I wanted.

Naturally I wanted to know what was going on…and I always heard the same response. “When it’s time, you’ll know.”is

I’ve gone years with no interaction but she always comes back. Yes. The Being was female and quite motherly in her communication with me.

She tells me things. About myself and about them, and about this planet. And it’s history.

Seems I’ve been at this for quite some time too. I’m a very old soul. She’s recently told me a bunch of things that in all honesty, I already knew, sort of.

I know one thing for sure. Amongst other things, i’m a warrior through and through. That I didn’t need to be told. But just how much of a warrior, I had no idea.

Unfortunately having the heart of a lion only gets you so far. And for me, it’s never been far enough.

That’s why I’ve learned to fight with my mind this time. Even though I spent a lot of my life in a subculture of violence this time around, I see now I had to be there to unlearn the ways I’ve always handled my confrontations. In this life too, but more so in my past lives.

I really am tired of all this. It’s been long enough. Too many people have died thinking we could beat them (the elite force controlling the world) in a physical confrontation.

They didn’t start actually “abducting me” until I was 31 years old though. And I prefer to think of myself as “taken” not abducted.

For the last 17 years it’s been an on and off again thing. I’d just gone 5 years without any contact or communication incidents, but in Aug 2016, (like 4 months ago) things got very serious, very fast.

Life was as normal as I think it’s ever been for me. I was right where I wanted to be, and comfortable with everything my life was becoming. Mine has been a life of constant rebuilding and change.

I went to bed one Saturday night just like any other night. But Sunday morning was not anything like any Sunday I’d been through before.

I woke up and realized immediately what happened. I was freezing. And soaking wet. And I felt like I was in a dream. Have you ever been under anesthetic? Same feeling when waking up. It’s like coming back from, hmmm, i don’t know where, but It’s the telltale sign.

But this time there was more. I had a head full of ideas and an absolute NEED to search out and connect to people just like all of you.

And, she was back. Like never before. And she had a lot to say in the last three months. Wow!

What I’m going to tell you was revealed to me, a bit here, piece there, over my lifetime. It really never made much sense to me though, until now. Now I have the whole truth.

And I do apologize to the people I’ve been difficult with, but you can’t imagine the pressure I’m under with this.

It’s really, really hard to listen to theories I know are incomplete or distraction, while having no ability to present what I know until right now. I was told not to tell anyone.

So, before I go any further, I need you to understand something. Read this next line as many times as you need to.

We, aren’t what we’ve been taught to believe we are! Not at all. Nothing!

What I’m going to tell you may change your life. In what way is entirely up to you.

I see it one of three ways, you’ll hate me forever, you’ll embrace this and know me forever, or you’ll call me crazy.

The reality is there’s been some very big lies told. And I’m going to do my best to explain the who, want, when, where, and why that surround these secrets.

So here it is, the real story as I understand it.

This planet was not the result of a Big Bang or the creation of “God” as we understand Him. The Universe came to exist because of The One.

The One is neither alive or dead, male or female good nor bad. IT just is…

The One is responsible for creating all the framework which functions to provide an environment for everything to exist in.

IT created this planet, and all the other planets, stars, moons, and everything in between.

Unlike the story we were told, “God” does not work alone. The One had some help.

The One created several intelligent races of benevolent Aliens that function to serve The Universe. Like The One, they are Immortal and never die. They are tangible Beings though, just not in the same way we are.

These Aliens are the craftsmen tasked with maintaining the integrity of all The One had created.

Planet Earth was seeded with life by a race of immortal Aliens called Centaurians from a planet called Eden. It’s located in the Centauri star system.

And when I say life, I mean ALL of it. Especially us.

The Centaurians are part of the immortal workforce that service The Universe. They are scientists and geneticists. It was theiru job to seed life throughout The Universe.

There is one exception though. The sector where The Six Headed Beast ruled.

Using a master set of plant and animal DNA supplied by The One, The Centaurians genetically engineered a vast living library of life.

Earth was their seed bank and it was called The Garden of Eden. Easily it was the most beautiful of all the planets. The One had really done a wonderful job.

They used a process called gene splicing, and did this work in labs on Eden.

Each new plant or animal prototype they created was then taken to Earth where it was cultivated.

Not all planets have the same conditions or type of atmosphere. So it also had to be determined which species could exist in different places.

This planet was designed to support many different types of environments and climates that mimic conditions around the universe.

Once these new products were studied, logged, and samples were stored, they were distributed to the planets throughout the universe best suited for each species.

However, in the face of all The One had created, even IT was not perfect. The One had made only one mistake. But it was a big one.

I’m not going to even pretend I understand it. But in the beginning, when The One was the only thing in existence, IT became “lonely”.

To combat this problem, The One divided itself by 25% to create another, lesser version of itself.

This new Number Two later realized that’s exactly what it was. Lesser. The One could have split in half and made them equal, but IT didn’t.

And when The One finished what IT had set out to do, which was create the Universe, and the immortal work force to help complete it, Number Two took offence.

Number Two realized The One had provided no role whatsoever for IT to contribute to all that was created.

Upon realizing the sole purpose of IT’s existence, was to keep The One from becoming lonely again, Number Two decided to leave.

At the time, Number Two didn’t realize it, but the choice to leave, introduced some new things to The Universe. Conflict. And Free Will.

Number Two took up residence in a far off corner of The Universe. It didn’t take long to realize though, IT was all alone.

As The One had divided itself to solve the same problem, so too did Number Two.

But Number Two didn’t want to face the same dilemma, so IT divided into 6 equal individuals. And they quickly set out to develop this corner of The Universe into their very own version of what the rest of The Universe would be like.

The result was a galactic society of miscreants lead by what would come to be known as The Six Headed Beast.

The division into 6 individuals had corrupted key bits of knowledge and understanding from the consciousness of the whole.

This lost knowledge was the reason all the creatures that were created to reside on the planets in this sector, had no soul.

Some of these creatures were worse than others, but none of them could actually be considered good.

They are flesh and blood creatures who only live for a certain length of time and die one day.

We were created the way we were, with a soul, for a reason. The Centaurians wanted to create an intelligent worker who would live on Earth and be responsible for maintaining the integrity of The Garden of Eden.

Tending to this garden would be an extremely delicate, and sometimes dangerous program. They needed leverage to ensure compliance to the job.

Also, since free will and conflict had come into existence when Number Two left, it was decided that from this point forward, immortality would have to be earned.

So it was decided that a promise of immortality under certain conditions, would help motivate this creature called a human being, to serve its purpose to the best of its ability.

A unique approach that would allow human beings to exist as two separate halves of one entity, had been successfully designed by an amazing team of scientists on Eden.

And quickly this design and reasoning for it, was approved by The One.

One half of the human would exist on Eden. The other half would exist on Earth.

The two individual halves of the human being are connected by something called a soul.

Inside the body of each half of the humans, flows a pure form of energy that binds both parts to one another.

A telepathic connection that allowed the two parts to communicate back and forth was also a very useful feature for completing the work projects tasked to the humans.

The half which existed on Eden would work in the lab as a genetic scientist to create new life forms.

When these plants and animals were cultivated on Earth, the process would be conducted by the Earth halves of the scientists whose team had invented the specific species.

This way the scientist and the botanist or biologist could share information to ensure a well cared for and properly designed product was the end result of their efforts.

This telepathic connection was also a way to never forget home and in times of struggle, a voice of reason to offer advice. A friend, so no matter what, no human would ever be alone, like The One had once been.

You likely won’t believe me yet, but that voice in your head, your conscience, is actually what’s left of the telepathic connection to our counterpart on Eden.

Of course today we are raised to believe thinking anything other than “it’s your own voice” will get you locked up in a psych ward.

Big threats to protect big secrets. And big secrets are certainly being kept from us about how and why that connection was lost.

To become immortal, the humans had to live by guidelines and rules and show the intelligence, loyalty, and desire to be a productive, honest, contributing member of the Galactic Society they belonged to.

A series of tests, and lessons would be incorporated into their lives that would determine when they would be ready to achieve immortality.

On Earth everything living has an expiration date, meaning one day it dies. This applies to everything except for one thing, the human soul.

When a human died on Earth, the soul ascended to Eden for evaluation. If it was decided the soul was ready, the two halves would merge into one immortal being.

However, if it wasn’t ready, the soul would experience something called reincarnation where it was sent back to Earth in a new body.

The human would then encounter a more difficult path designed to address the issues that kept it from achieving immortality.

This complex two part creature would be the prototype for a whole new approach to the concept of being alive. If successful, humans could be placed all over the universe.

As The Centaurians hoped, the evolution of The Garden of Eden, and its new occupants, was a great success.

After nearly a hundred thousand years of evolution, only one major change was made to how this system would operate.

It was originally the plan to allow unlimited reincarnation and guaranteed immortality eventually. However, there were unforeseen issues that arose from that idealistic view.

The result was a decision to permit ten chances to get it right and earn the reward of immortality.

By limiting reincarnation to nine times, the decision to populate some of the other planets that had been seeded into life with humans, had passed the scrutiny of The One.

By the way, I told you which star system Eden exists in without feeling like I’m giving up a secret.

Unfortunately, there are people here on Earth right now searching for it, and they already know where they should be looking.

The Kepler telescope made a discovery this year not six months ago in August of 2016

There is one particular planet quite close to Earth. Like close enough where the technology here will allow a probe to make it there in the next 25 years or so.

It’s not Eden. But it’s one step closer. So they really need to be stopped before they get there.

As I said before, I’m an old soul. And I’ve tried more than once to stop those responsible for what I’m trying to tell you, during several of my past lives.

Obviously, I’ve never been on the successful side of any of the battles that have taken place in an attempt to gain control of our own destiny.

I’m sure you’ve realized something must have gone terribly wrong someplace along the line.

Earth is quite obviously not being used by The Centaurians as a living library anymore. It’s being exploited, polluted, and soon enough, will be destroyed.

If you don’t know, there are several tyrannical groups of very rich, very powerful, business men, political leaders and Church officials with questionable ties to each other.

They belong to groups such as The Illuminatii, The Roman Catholic Church, The British Monarchy, and The Freemasons to name a few.

It’s widely accepted that these Billionaire Boys Clubs are up not on the up and up and exist to serve ulterior motives.

They have created, implemented, and enforced a system of corruption, greed, control, and hostility for thousands of years.

The roots of these shady organizations have been traced back to the time of Jesus.

The last attempt to confront these corrupt, power hungry, tyrants was in the early 1300’s.

A very wealthy group called The Knights Templar, that was aligned with The Roman Catholic Church, had found out some extremely sensitive information about Jesus, and the Bible.

Having expressed concerns to a trusted government official about The Church withholding the secret knowledge, The Knights Templar were betrayed and for the most part, disbanded and killed brutally for going against The Pope.

And ever since then these elite tyrants have taken full advantage of the fear they instilled in anyone who may oppose them.

Their stranglehold on the resources and human lives on Planet Earth grows stronger every single day we choose to do nothing.

The Knights knew what I know. Unlike me, they never got the chance to tell though.

Once you know why, and what is at stake, you’ll understand why I’ve made it my choice to suggest we confront these men, end these lies, and try again to rid this planet from their control.

The elite tyrants who control us using money, work hand in hand with the ones who destroy some of us by taking our soul.

The Roman Catholic Church is the real controlling influence behind those running the world, enslaving mankind, and destroying this beautiful planet.

There is no one more powerful than the guy with the funny hat, The Pope. None that are human anyways.

The Pope is always chosen from a secret, and very long list of bloodlines that go back thousands of years to a time when giants roamed the Earth.

Yeah I just said that. But it’s gotta be said. And someone had to say it. And that’s always been my role. To sound the alarm.

But this time the call, MY call, will be heard. This time, the world is ready to hear it. YOU, are ready to hear it!

The age of information has brought a new dimension, one we have never had available before. If you haven’t realized it yet, she told me, IT’S TIME!

This time, we have the ability to UNITE World Wide!. And we will. And we are.

I can feel the soul of every warrior who ever lived and died at the hands of The Elite. All of them. They’re all here.

Some already know it, most don’t, but you all will. The universe will not let you rest until you accept the responsibility of fixing what we have ALWAYS allowed them to do to us.

The Elite aren’t exactly like us in case you haven’t noticed. There is an empty, void, hole in all of “them”.

The world really is an US vs THEM situation.

You may believe “we are all one” and some spiritual awakening is on the horizon, but please, know this: There are TWO different SPECIES living together here on earth. Humans. And Half Breeds.

And no, they are not shape shifting reptilians. In all ways they are identical to us, except for one thing.

They don’t have a soul!

When they die, they are dead. That’s it. No more. They are manufactured.

These soulless shells i’m talking about are The Elite. And they know what they are. Predators. Nasty, sick, twisted, Predators.

There is another group of people who also suffer an impairment of their soul but they have no idea anything is even wrong with them.

At least they have a soul, even if it has been shut right off. As long as it’s there, all hope is not lost.

It’s imperative if we want to experience any kind of freedom again, we begin working together. All men. All for One Cause. One World United.

United, we can move forward into a new Age of Enlightenment.

United, we can be free from all the pain that’s been our lives here on planet Earth.

It will not be easy. But nothing good ever is. Just be certain, if we continue to fall for the tactics that keep us divided, once again, we will fall short. Divide and Conquer will defeat us like it has before in past lives.

The Elite have slowly divided the entire world into divisions so small, they feel confident that it’s just not possible for us to lay aside our differences or seek a new perspective on our beliefs.

I’m hoping that deep down inside though, you feel it! You’ve always felt it. You probably didn’t understand that feeling was your other half calling out to you. And your home. Eden. In all ways possible, they both need you now, more than ever.

For some of us, the connection to our other half is starting to be established once more. I’ll explain why later.

It’s the ones caught deep in this web of lies I worry about though. The ones with the soul affliction.

Things on Eden have taken a very long time to fully recover from the Annunaki Invasion.

The reason is the soul affliction that has taken hold here on Earth lately, has nearly crippled the population on Eden.

The half of the human that’s born and exists on Eden, that’s attached to the people on Earth commonly referred to as Sheeple, (people who can’t see anything at all wrong with how the world operates) are basically handicapped.

They don’t contribute to the workforce, in fact, they take away from it, as they require constant care and supervision.

Despite all that has changed since humans came into existence, the soul still continues to develop properly and in unison with its Counterpart on Eden.

The changes to the minds of the humans on Earth however, somehow have caused the autism -like affliction of the mind running rampant on Eden.

So I’m here on a mission. I’m here to wake you up to what you used to be, to what you are.

And what you need to be, if we ever want to free ourselves from this nightmare we’ve all been tricked into living.

I guess tricked isn’t the best choice of words either. They didn’t trick us, they genetically modified us is what they did.

And what I’m about to tell you now, is where things get intense.

What you think you know about the history of earth and its many different inhabitants, are all lies. And it’s the job of the church, to protect those lies.

And the reward from protecting those lies, goes to the enforcers of the lie. The Illuminati. The Freemasons. The Elite.

Their reward is your life of servitude! And every man, woman and child belongs to them whether you admit it, or not.

Because the elite know they are soulless shells of what we are, they hate us.

Once I explain what they are lying about, and how far they’ve gone to protect the lie, you’ll understand just how much hate for us they hold.

The only other things that interest them are material riches and the thrill of feeling somehow superior as they treat us like garbage in a ruthless pursuit of the Almighty Dollar.

And we allow it because deep down we feel like our souls will live on regardless.

But that was the old way. Soon you will realize how, like me, you’ve avoided the trap and reincarnated here, over and over again.

Until we get this done, we will continue stuck in this loop, doomed to watch history repeat itself again and again.

And I’m going to tell you why.

There was an invasion on Eden, and they lost. The Centaurians are peaceful scientists, not warriors.

The Annunaki, a race of soulless creatures from the far corner of The Universe developed by The Six Headed Beast had come seeking knowledge.

They required technology to save the atmosphere of the planet they came from, Nibiru.

But Eden refused to help them. They were not in the business of cooperating with any of the soulless abominations created by The Six Headed Beast.

And the Annunaki replied in force. In the process of taking what they came for, they also discovered the location of Earth.

They left Eden in near ruins, and made off with some very sensitive, essential information about all life, and about Planet Earth in particular.

The Annunaki first arrived on planet Earth during a cleansing period.

Once all of the different species were properly sampled and classified, or if circumstances required it, the scientists in charge would initiate a cleansing. The eradication of the old, to usher in the new.

The idea being to repeat the same process with new varieties of plants and animals, as they were developed and created on Eden.

This particular ice-age was also to repair a structural issue with the drainage system. A series of massive trenches and gullies were needed and the only thing powerful enough to dig them were migrating glaciers.

The humans all relocated to Africa during that time, moved by ships sent from Eden.

Unfortunately this relocation turned out to be the very thing that gave full advantage to the Annunaki.

The Annunaki were quite pleased with initial test samples they took. This planet was rich with monoatomic gold just as the stolen information from Eden had stated.

The information from Eden provided them with the formula used to create, or repair, an atmosphere. Monoatomic gold is the key ingredient. And they needed a lot.

The next thing the Annunaki did was set in motion a chain of events which accelerated the melting process.

There was a large area though where life was thriving. Here The Annunaki found a creature they hoped could be used as workers for the massive job of mining the Earth. They had discovered humans.

However, these creatures were quite different than anything The Annunaki had ever encountered. They seemed intelligent enough, but they were impossible to deal with.

Nothing, not fear, not pain, not even watching their friends die would sway them to what The Annunaki wanted them to do.

It was almost like these humans had one purpose and couldn’t do anything else even if they wanted.

But it was love for their home and an outright refusal to damage, destroy, alter, or manipulate the Earth at The Annunaki’s request that kept them from conforming.

The Annunaki even tried, unsuccessfully, claiming they were the ones who created the humans.

However, at that time The Annunaki were unaware of the connection the humans had to their other half back on Eden. The humans knew exactly who had arrived.

The Annunaki were in fact, very intelligent creatures however. A series of genetic manipulations performed on the male humans would solve the problem, or so it was believed.

One by one, the male humans were captured and injected with a DNA upgrade that would eventually change the fate of the inhabitants of The Garden of Eden. It would just be a matter of time.

The Annunaki, having completed the genetic tampering, prepared to leave. They needed to give the melting process of the ice covered planet time to do its thing.

A small team was assembled and would remain on Earth to manage and maintain the breeding process of the humans.

This task was put into the hands of a top scientist named Enki.

Enki was a powerful member of the upper echelon of Annunaki hierarchy.

He was very interested in studying the progress on the rate of change in these creatures.

The Annunaki had an amazing gift bestowed by The Six Headed Beast which created them. They had the power to shape shift, or transform into whatever they needed to be. So they took on human form.

Enki stood among the humans and watched as the other Annunaki boarded their ship and left Earth.

At that point the changes to the human mind had not taken over yet, and as the ship left, a legend was born about the ones who came from the sky in black clouds that burned in the sky.

And in telling this legend, the first of the changes began to materialize in the hearts and minds of the recently injected men, as fear crept in and filled them with a brand new perspective on life.

This new emotion clashed heavily with the very limited emotional database humans had been living with up to this point.

It only took a few generations of reproduction for Enki to realize something had gone wrong though.

By this stage there should have been significant changes in the way this creatures mind worked. But the change was minimal at best.

These creatures were learning to simply adapt, and somehow they retained the sense of self worth they had always enjoyed.

Frustrated, Enki began a series of experiments on his modified humans. What he discovered, shocked, and amazed him

In ways he could not understand, it appeared this creature was in fact, two creatures.

Enki began to decipher a series of files that were part of his spoils of war from the invasion of Eden. And what he learned, he could not believe.

These creatures had something called a soul. Something he had never heard of. Something that made these creatures immortal. As far as Enki knew, only The Six Headed Beast was immortal. More than anything, he wanted that! In fact, Enki became obsessed with the idea of living forever.

So obsessed, he entirely forgot why he had attempted to change the humans in the first place.

All that mattered was finding a way to implant or replicate one of these souls into himself.

Experiment after experiment failed. And as these further modified humans got released back among the others, the more damaged the integrity of the humans became.

After several more generations, significant changes could be seen.

So much so that they began to change in their physical appearance over time, not only mentally as the modification was initially supposed to be.

The most significant change was the colour of some of the creatures skin. There seemed to be several distinct skin tones and physical attributes appearing.

Though Enki had yet to discover the secret of the soul, he was forced to turn his attention back to creating a workforce for the mining operation.

He was rather impressed with one particular group that stood out from the others. It appeared this group was going to be the dominant one.

This dominant version of a human had changed almost entirely in colour.

It began with deep dark brown skin like they all had in the beginning.

But now it had transformed to become pale and light coloured, very much like Enki himself.

Up till this point Enki and his crew had lived unnoticed among the humans. But it was time for a change.

It was now about 190,000 Earth years since the Annunaki had left in their flying spaceship leaving Enki and his crew behind.

Enki and his kind lived to be about 360,000 years old in Earth terms. Which meant if he was going to complete the actual mission he was here for, he would have to find success soon. His age was creeping up on him.

The ice sheets that had once covered the Earth had been greatly diminished by this time. And the redistribution of the humans could begin.

Enki had sent for The Annunaki to return. The first mission was to gather all the humans of each kind based on their skin colour.

Then, each “race” was strategically dispersed around the world to the locations that were no longer inhospitable.

There were 4 distinct races based solely on skin tone. Dark brown, light brown, yellow, and white.

The first three races were relocated in their entirety and kept together. The white race however was divided into three groups.

1 note · View note