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#and am I aware that it's all a construct
philomaela · 20 days
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"Though none doubted that Aegon Targaryen was the final authority in all matters relating to the governance of the realm" is an intriguing line, especially when it's promptly followed by explaining how much autonomy and political strength the Queens had.
I think part of of what makes it interesting, is that it is definitely true on some level, but why is it true and to what extent is it true... that's what is interesting? I'm not sure how to explain it, but I think it's incorrect to think that the "historian's" bias only leads to omissions of truth and additions of falsehoods. Here I feel like, there's overall weight given to this statement that comes from the bias.
Because the book pretty often seems to show that they pretty much act in lock step with each other (to the point where it seems like, while Rhaenys is alive anyway, they don't appear to publicly argue), the Queens also sit on the iron throne, which is literally the symbol of power and authority over the land. Visenya is later able to publicly browbeat him and force him to concede when creating the Kingsguard. These things imply a level of political power.
But that's not me saying that Aegon isn't the voice of final authority and power, he very clearly is, just by the nature of him being declared the King. But that's clearly a position his wives put him in, when they landed on the hill, Visenya crowned Aegon and Rhaenys dubbed him King and shield of the people. Aegon is the king, but his sisters are kingmaker, which is a position of authority... except that role gets officially handed over to the Faith. The day the Faith crowns Aegon is the date his reign officially starts which is interesting because it grants the Faith the power to legitimize Aegon's reign over his wives. But even so, his wives sit the throne, the dragon banner is a three headed dragon and Aegon builds his city on the site where he was first crowned by his wives, not in Oldtown.
I guess what I'm saying is that there's an interesting tension here between Aegon, his wives, and the faith, and each group's level of power and authority. And the "historian" doesn't seem to want to interrogate it or question it because it fits neatly enough into his worldview that anything that doesn't can be easily handwaved away as an oddity.
It feels like all three of these groups have power. But Visenya and Rhaenys used that power to grant Aegon authority and maybe they would have been seen by history has having authority as kingmakers as well, but the act of the Faith crowning Aegon being the "official" crowning, means that the Faith gets the authority of acting as Kingmaker. The Faith and Aegon grant authority to each other in a way that leaves out Visenya and Rhaenys (quite literally since they weren't even at his "official" crowning).
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r0b0t1me · 1 year
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resistance base floor plan/layout! i do not know what i'm doing nor am i shooting for total realism, but all of these ideas have been rotating in my head for ages and im having issues creating concept art for the setting without some kind of baseline to work off of so tada
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caterpillarinacave · 5 months
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I am. Incredibly stressed. For incredibly unimportant reasons.
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stillfruit · 2 months
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the most difficult part about group projects is not doing everything yourself
#to be serious i obviously want to respect everyone's time and efforts but sometimes it's genuinely very difficult to find a balance between#evreyone contributing in ways they would prefer and the output being good. what do you do when someone is bad at something yet enthusiastic#if this was baking a cake or something else i wouldn't give a shit but this is university and we have constructed but objective guidelines#clearly this is only a problem if you're a bad person like me who prioritizes results over how people feel in situations where we're graded#i am as polite as possible but how do i gently say let me do everything over for you#what makes this even more difficult is my own inability to start things early so this problem is double my fault - at the point#where i would have my thing done others have completed their work already before so i'm always overstepping#even if i'm ready before the deadline as well. the others are just faster overall#i'm fully aware how arrogant and insufferable i am and this is btw i know the people working with me are extremely talented in their ways#and carry skills i don't have etc etc but fuck some of the things i have to redo are sooooo simple and this way of working#is extremely inefficient because on top of doing my own work i have to look over the work of others and i know that's because i want#to do so and it's not their fault but at the same time they all did say they're aiming for the highest grade so what gives#i'm actually the worst person to have as a group work member </3 genuinely horrible. i've decided for now just let what is there slide and#emphasize giving credit about all the work the people have done rightly to them and then just quietly fix it later for the final submission#shit talking
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coquelicoq · 1 year
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things i learned today:
my stepdad doesn't like the word obituary. why? well i can't be 100% certain because i asked no follow-up questions, but based on the way he relayed this information ("i don't like to use the word [lowers voice] oBITCHuary") i have a pretty good idea.
"we have to google meet" (as in, call each other on the Google Meet app) and "we have to google 'meat'" sound identical and i will interpret it as the latter regardless of how little sense that makes in context.
some drinking glasses have a little divot at the top of the handle into which my thumb fits perfectly!!!!!!!!
apparently when you find yourself at a branch of the library that's closing in three days for renovations, you should go ahead and check out all 11 books you have an eye on, because the computer will give you a due date SEVEN MONTHS INTO THE FUTURE. even though you could return the books at any other branch! jackpot.
#besties i am soooo sleep-deprived and i tell you when she said 'we have to google meet' to me...#i was like oh yeah makes sense. because you have anemia. and she was like what. and i was like wait googling 'meat' wouldn't help#with anemia...like you already know you should eat meat...you already know what foods meat is in...okay so why are we googling 'meat'?#fully trusting her to have a totally rational reason for announcing to me that we should google 'meat' while dropping me off @ the bus stop#fully prepared to support her in this random endeavor of mysterious utility#but she showed me her phone with the google meet icon and was like 'no i'm calling my girlfriend when you get out of the car'#and then we laughed hysterically for like three straight minutes. one of those days besties <3#fun with words#libraries#my posts#no but the library thing is so funny. these weren't even holds i just started running low on library books so i took myself to a branch#only to see all these signs like 'closing in three days!' which i had no idea was happening because it's not my usual branch#so i was like okay whatever. good thing i didn't try to come three days from now i guess!#then i checked out and it was like due date: october 1 2023. they're like please temporarily store these books for us while we renovate 🥺#we don't have room for them 🥺because of construction 😫 will you pretty please give them a good home for all of the spring and summer 🙏#like a of all don't mind if i do and secondly that's so fucking funny what the fuck. you guys know about other branches right#like you're aware i can put these books in any book return in the county? yeah? alright haha take it easy
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Mmm I definitely have Thoughts on site lore and Ancient lore. And I mean, for the most part I (as well as many people) use site lore more as Inspiration/Building Blocks for further lore building.
I've been meaning to get around to writing lore for my Clan and in general, so. I guess I'll just make some notes on the current Ancient Lore and what I think and where I'd go.
Deciding to put this under a read more since it's a lot more than I meant to write lmao
Gaolers - Part of this being because they were the first, and therefore had the most hype around their introduction, but so far lorewise Gaolers still have probably the most impactful story. Them being forgotten by modern society makes sense; withdrawn, a small population of creatures that never evolved into their softer modern counterparts. Which is another thing that makes Gaolers stand out; they're the only Ancient with an explicit connection as being ancestors of one of the Modern breeds. The whole This Thing Is You But Older, More Primal And Dangerous is just. Soooo good. Gaolers as a design have grown on me recently, so it definitely generates some ideas.
Banescales - BANESCALE LORE. BANESCALE LORE. My favorite of the bunch, but this is partially that I am someone who loooves music. The idea of Banescales having been a musical society, and now all that remains is the song that was left to their children as they protected their eggs... god it's just so beautiful to me. Plus the parallel to how Coatls ended up having a notably musical language... The idea of the Flamecaller mourning her first children and passing on their gift. The Coatls and Banes bonding over this similarity. I love them, I need more Banes.
Veilspuns - I'll be honest. I don't remember anything about the Veilspun lore. Legitimately. I love Veil's designs but their lore just Did Not Stick. I'll have to go reread it and probably rebuild it somehow lmaooo
Aberrations - Okay, I also kinda forgot this one, but they literally crawled out of the Wyrmwound, right?? Like, sort of had a "cast away by their god" type of thing? Failed experiment energy? Idk if that was actually what happened, but it's the take I'm going with.
Undertides - They felt betrayed by their god so turned their back on him, and then reintroduced themselves to modern society upon the Surge in the Elements. Cool! Interesting! I think this could be very cool to explore, especially with the modern members of Water Flight who have effectively been abandoned by Tidelord (as far as we know. Dad come back.) Also, strong ties with a specific sect of Maren! Neat! Not as potent of lore to me, maybe, but it's interesting and has potential. Execution was ehhg but I can work with the concepts.
Aethers - I love their lore yes its stupid yes its goofy and I adore them for it. If I go through with my lore crafting I'll keep all this because the other Ancients having cool and fucked up lore next to these dumbass sparkly floofs is hilarious to me.
Sandsurges - Okay I DID. Think the "pay" bit in the story was funny. But I do think a "cooler" take could have been done, with Sandsurges having a better reason to have been unknown to modern dragons aside from "They were underground all along" whsgsgs. I think you can combine the best of both world by saying they return upon seeing the exploitation of modern Lightning society, and the building of something Big and Dangerous, with allusions to this having been done in the past and having had consequences to Ancient Sandsurge society... AKA, they're here to teach the young'uns about unions.
Auraboas - Okay, so. The issues have been brought up several times, and most of us are aware at this point. I can see the angle they were going for, for a sci-fi-esque hivemind tyoe of situation. I also don't necessarily disagree with the decision to make it Nature. While Arcane might make more sense for sci-fi themeing, I think choosing a different Flight makes it a little less on the nose. In any case, I think the concepts are there, but were executed very poorly and with a decent dose of "ignorance and tone-deafness." I think the story specifically should have treated the elder Auraboas with more compassion for their fears for their children and difficulty in communicating with modern dragons. Way less infantilization, and more "person struggling with a language they barely know, reaching out to someone they never would have otherwise out of desperation." (By this I mean I think they could have written the difficulty in communicating far better than they did). The Loop is interesting as well, though very hard to grasp as a concept. This is partially on purpose, and partially because I kind if think staff purposefully left some things vague because they didn't actually want to try and figure out how the concept would work, lol (which I can't entirely blame them for, especially since with Site Lore sometimes less is more, allowing for multiple interpretations by users).
Another note: in both the recent Lightning and Nature ancient stories, they're both stated and/or heavily implied to have already been known about by certain dragons In The Know, so to speak. I have some mixed thoughts on either, and might incorporate them differently. Sandsurges as sort of secret workers was a little funny and backed up the Weird Shady Company Execs thing, but it could be interesting to make it a sort of, deliberately covered up because We Can't Have Them Teaching The New Hires How To Unionize!
As for Auraboas... Not really sure. I can see them being a culture that has been largely self-reliant for their existance, hence the lack of contact with modern dragons. But, given their connection to the Behemoth (and maybe a connection that could be elaborated on), maybe they've appeared or collaborated with moderns in the past over threats to the Behemoth. So, mutual knowledge, but no sustained contact since it was A) difficult and B) outside of curiosity, most on both sides saw little reason to establish further contact. A sort of living alongside one another but never really talking, like neighbors you see sometimes but don't talk to. It's only the disruption of the Loop in the younger generation that both kickstarts a greater Need to connect, but also a bridge for easier communication.
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ahalliance · 7 months
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my not so guilty guilty pleasure is watching ghost hunting vids and like i love them i love the enthusiasm but every time someone in the vid hears an unknown sound they can’t explain and freak out a little, i just sit back and listen to the continuous banging, creaking, footsteps and weird ass portal rift sound (?? Idk either) ive been hearing for a straight day while being home alone . if a full bodied ghost appeared before me now i think i would greet them like an old friend
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phoneybeatlemania · 2 years
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honestly what annoys me So Much about the way the media treated Paul following Johns death (with the sensationalisation around the "its a drag" comment) is that its like, entirely fake, y'know? like these media corporations weren't sitting there, genuinely offended about what Paul had said, they just saw a good headline and said Yes Lets Exploit That For $$$. the amount of pain Paul must have been in already over johns death and the way that exploitation must have exasperated all those feelings. i hate them
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posthumus · 2 years
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do you guys remember around the succ s3 finale when there was this very weird air of like having to choose between tom and shiv and if you find tom compelling you support abuse and women's oppression etc. or was that just me
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lav-endermoon · 1 year
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sexuality crisis 2: aromantic boogaloo
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luciddownloading · 6 months
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Astrology Observations: Scorpio Edition ☠️
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🦂In doing these observations, I like breaking down the differences between the Sun, Moon and Rising in a sign. With Scorpio, I look at each as the different elements of a crime scene.
(These are analogies/metaphors, btw. Please don't take this literally)
Scorpio Rising is like the detective. They are investigators, obsessive thinkers, and will dig and dig until they find the info they need. It is very hard to hide around them because they will ask questions, get in your head, and figure out your motives. Most people don't know what they're doing and the extent of their manipulation. But, like the detective, this skill can be used for good.
Scorpio Sun is the murder victim. And, hold on, I am not saying they are weak or powerless. It's more so that the metaphorical "deaths" they have to endure end up shaping who they are. And, like a murder victim, they become very well-known for how they "died", whether it was through heartbreak, betrayal, career/financial loss, mental health struggles/breakdowns, etc. But, the good thing is that they learn that any kind of death is only a transformation.
Scorpio Moon is the killer. As nice and charming as this person may appear (and genuinely be), there is a fierce, sometimes even ruthless instinct within. It's just about learning how to destroy what needs to be killed off, in a positive/constructive sense. But, heaven help those who fuck around and find out. Like a killer, they can be both vaguely intimidating but also the last person you'd expect. Their dark or ferocious side can catch people off guard and that intensity is not only unmatched but can rage out of control if not managed.
(All three placements have a little of each archetype in them but each displays these respective energies the most)
🦂 People with Scorpio placements = love of horror movies. Most of the time, anyway. Especially Scorpio Sun, Moon or Rising. This obsession may begin young and even extend to a fascination with true crime. This is my Moon sign and I loved horror and serial killer documentaries so much growing up that I got side-eyed a few times lol. (But, now, of course, that's become trendy)
🦂 Scorpio Venus people are not necessarily the die-hard, super-serious, "I love you so I must breathe your oxygen" relationship types that they're made out to be. Some of them channel a lot of that intensity into the sexual part of relationships while remaining casual or emotionally unavailable otherwise. So, this placement can be as much of a player or serial dater as anyone. That just may not exactly be how they want to act deep down.
🦂 Those with Mercury in Scorpio usually have some skill with divination, whether or not they are tapped into it. They could make excellent astrologers or Tarot readers. Some of them are naturally good at spell work, as well, or could be skilled mediums or channelers.
🦂 There are two types of Scorpio Risings: 1) the ones who give you witchy or sexy vampire vibes (and who may identify with either archetype) 2) the ones who seem like adorable, harmless elfin/fae beings who are much more powerful than they initially appear.
🦂 Scorpio people look great in all black and this isn't limited to the Venus or Rising sign. It is a power move of sorts and a way to honor one's shadow self (which every self-respecting Scorpio person will thrive on). Also, try black boots, ultra-high heels for those who wear them, and anything sheer like mesh or lace.
🦂 Scorpio Moon people are either very naturally seductive/erotic/alluring (even if they don't try or aren't aware of it) or has the sex appeal of a bowl of mashed potatoes, even though they may try very hard to be sexy. Sexiness can vary with Scorpio people and does tend to exist in extremes. But, since the Moon is what comes instinctively, this is truest for them. They either have it or they don't.
🦂 Scorpio Mars people can be very, VERY petty. This is the lower expression of it. The evolved ones will have a past of vindictive behavior or holding ridiculous grudges but learn to rise above that. And I mean ridiculous grudges. Like, "you ate the last slice of pizza that I wanted two years ago and I haven't forgotten it".
🦂 Scorpio Suns and daddy issues go together like peanut butter and jelly. In most cases, either the father figure walks out on them or dies during their upbringing or they just have a super-complicated relationship.
🦂 It's hard to find a sign that is more proud of their sign than Scorpio. Virgo's may outdo them (because so many Virgos LOVE telling you they're a Virgo lol) but they're up there. This extends to the Moons and Risings, as well. They are quite likely to get a tattoo of the Scorpio symbol or a scorpion or phoenix or eagle.
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helen-with-an-a · 2 months
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I am an adult pt. 2
Hi. So this is part 2 to I am an adult. I already had an idea that I wanted to do another part but thank you to the Anon who gave me a good idea for it. I hope you enjoy it. <3
Barca Femeni x Reader
Part 1 : Part 2 : Part 3 : Part 3.5 : Part 4
TW: Angst
Word Count: 4k
Description: R realises she might not be as adult as she things she is
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Everything was wonderful for the first few weeks after they came to your house. They calmed down, and you calmed down. It was great. But something felt … off. They stopped treating you like a child. Which is what you wanted, right? You had asked for this. You had asked them to stop policing your actions and criticising you. You wanted this. Then why did it feel so wrong?
You didn't go crazy; you continued your life as it always had been; movie nights with Patri, dinner with Pina, coffee with Ona. Everything was totally and completely normal. Except you no longer came home to text messages asking about your location or concerns over your safety. You no longer had Lucy reminding you about your weekly food shop that needed to match your nutritional needs. You no longer had Alexia helping you fill out your official government documents. You no longer had Marta and Caro texting you about your upcoming schedules. You no longer had Paños checking to ensure you were up at the correct times. Your safety net had slipped away, and you were dangling in the middle of open water without anyone to catch you.
But this was entirely of your own making. You didn't realise it, but you had failed to apologise to them. You had failed to act like the adult you thought you were and own up to your actions. They didn't realise it either, not consciously anyway, until a few days later. Paños watched you from the corner of her eye, goofing off with Mapi when she got a sour taste in her mouth. Ingrid had approached her to apologise for her behaviour when she snapped at them. The adult thing to do.
"Hey, Ale?" Paños caught Alexia's elbow, stopping her from moving away. "Did Y/N ever apologise to you? For shouting in the changing rooms?" Alexia frowned. No, you hadn't. You had shouted at her in front of your colleagues, your friends, and you hadn't said a word. Never mind that she was your captain. You yelled at someone in public when they only tried to help. And never said sorry. She shook her head. Sandra hummed and began making discreet enquiries about whether you had apologised to anyone else; over the past few months, you had been rude to all of them. Even Ingrid and Mapi when they had expressed concern over you going out for the third night in a row. They had all apologised to you, recognising their own faults with the extreme actions they had around you. But you didn't extend the same courtesy to them. The older teammates pulled back even further, annoyed with your behaviour and lack of ownership over them – again, it was something you weren't aware of, too busy in your bubble of newfound freedom.
Over the next three months or so, you were finding things increasingly more difficult. At first, it was the food shop. When you were with Alexia, she always kept something healthy in the freezer for you should you feel like food shopping was too much for you but you needed something in the fridge or pantry. After long days at the training centre and after matches, the last thing you wanted to do was go to the always-too-busy shops. So, you began ordering food some days of the week. It wasn't like you ordered anything too unhealthy; you always got something vaguely nutritious with vegetables, protein, and carbohydrates. Everything you need for a well-balanced meal. But with the increased deliveries, the carefully constructed budget that Alexia and Lucy had worked out for you began to crumble. Soon, your bank account was much less full than it once was.
It was a sunny morning in early May when things really hit the fan. You had been pulled into a conference room. It all looked very official. Men with official suits you didn't recognise sat on one end of the long table. The Barcelona Big Bosses, as you called them, were along another. Jonatan and Alexia sat on the third side of the table, leaving a single seat on the fourth. Jonatan looked concerned, the Big Bosses looked stern, and the Officials looked bored. Alexia looked furious – she refused to look at you, her hands fiddling with the pen in front of her.
"Hola," you said as you took your seat. Introductions were made, and something small and square was placed on the table in the middle.
Buen día. "Soy Carlos Álvarez y él es mi colega Juan Ramírez; trabajamos para el Departamento de Estado y hemos sido asignados a su caso." You stared at the Official blankly. Your Spanish had been improving, but he spoke too quickly for you to understand. "Le gustaría que esta entrevista se realizara en inglés?" You looked to Alexia for guidance, but she stayed staring at the papers in front of her.
"Um, lo siento, um, no en-entiendo. No hablo español," you responded. It was the phrase Lucy had taught you when you first arrived. The man gestured to one of the other Officials.
"My name is Juan Ramirez, and this is Carlos Álvarez; we are officers from the State Department assigned to your case." Your heart stopped. Did you have a case with the State Department? How? Why? Your fear must have shown on your face as Jonatan took pity on you.
"Y/N, you haven't filled out any tax forms or completed your Right to Work visa." Tax forms? A right-to-work visa? You have never had to fill any of those things out before.
"But … I've not completed those before."
"Yes, you have. Look." Juan handed you photocopies of filled-out forms, all with your name and information on them.
"I didn't …"
"I did it for you, Y/N," Alexia answered. "We used to sit down together and do it." When did you do that? You don't remember any forms.
"It shouldn't take too long to actually fill out the forms, but because they're late, you must go to court to hand them to the judges. Due to your status and job, you can stay in the country, but you cannot participate in matches or training until you have received confirmation from the State Department that you can work again." Juan explained. Court? No training? No matches? "We will also have to freeze your salary. It will be back-dated once you have the necessary documentation, but as of right now, you cannot receive any more money for FC Barcelona or anyone else in Spain." No more money? You were really starting to panic. What did they mean you couldn't be paid? You tried frantically to get Alexia's attention, but she refused to meet your eyes.
The rest of the meeting was a blur. You had been escorted to the mercifully empty changing rooms and gathered your things. As you entered the main corridor, you met an incensed Alexia, with Marta, Paños, Patri and Irene standing behind her. The captains.
You went to open your mouth when Alexia cut you off. "I don't want to hear a word from you. How could you be so irresponsible? You said you wanted to be treated like an adult, yet you do something as stupid as this. You could be deported, Y/N. You could be banned from ever entering Spain again."
"I know, but-"
"Do you? Do you know? You said you wanted to be treated like the adult you claimed you are, but you are not acting like one. Adults take responsibility for their own actions. Adults apologise to their friends for shouting at them. Adults can complete simple forms that take only a few minutes to complete. Adults act like adults," she continued. You felt a singular tear roll down your cheek. "And now you're crying," Alexia threw her hands in the air. "You wanted to be an adult, and you failed." That stung. But it wasn't a lie either. And that made it hurt worse. "Adults own up to their consequences and deal with them."
"Alright, Ale. I think she gets it." Patri tried to help you. She was one of your best friends, after all.
"Does she? Do you understand? Do you understand how much trouble you are in? Not just with me or the club but with the government?"
"Yes," you whispered so quietly that she barely heard you. She straightened to her full height, chest puffed out, shoulders back.
"You will not have contact with anyone from this club until you have received confirmation that you are allowed to work here. I will not allow you to drag them into your mess. When you are allowed back to train, you will be on the pitch every day at 7 am. You will complete extra laps before and after training until I deem it appropriate for you to stop. You will apologise to every single person who works for FC Barcelona for the hassle you have created for them. You will have to earn your right to even sit on the bench, let alone play or be a part of the Starting XI. You will have to earn back our respect, not just as a player, but as a person." Alexia said icily before pushing past you. The others followed suit, slightly concerned for you but still following their captain's lead. Patri gently patted your shoulder as she went.
You made it about 5 minutes into your car journey home before you deemed it too dangerous to drive. You pulled into a quiet side street and sobbed. You had really fucked up. You had really, truly, absolutely fucked up. And you weren't talking about the paperwork. That terrified you, of course. You had never even spoken to the Police, and now you had an open case file against you with the State Department. But what hurt the most was how appallingly and horrifically you had fucked up your friendships. The older girls had taken you under their wings without being asked. And how did you repay them? By behaving like a little brat who wanted to sit at the big girl's table.
The next day, Juan and Carlos turned up on your doorstep, armed with a mountain of paperwork and a tough expression. It had taken you 4 hours to complete all the documents you needed. Your court date came through the post a few weeks later. It was set for a month's time. You had hardly left your house. Initially, you wallowed in self-deprecation and began to hate yourself for how you treated the people in your team. The women that had helped you settle into Spain without being asked. The women who let you sleep in their spare rooms and crash on their couches. The women who filled out essential documents for you without you even realising it. And you had never even thanked them. Instead, you had hated them, resented them for the suffocating feeling you thought they had created. Maybe it was you? Perhaps you were so insistent on doing 'normal' things that you made your own asphyxiating environment around them?
After a week of feeling sorry for … everything, you decided enough was enough. You dragged yourself out of bed and into the shower. You forced yourself to make food and do an at-home workout. After moving your body a little bit, you sat down and began to concoct a plan. Alexia told you you had to apologise to everyone under the FC Barcelona banner. So that's where you would start. You wrote a list with each department on it. You couldn't find individual names, but you knew roughly how big the department was. You wanted to do something that was genuinely hard as an apology.
Buying flowers with a printed note was easy. So, you decided baking was the best option. You could bake reasonably well, and who doesn't love sweet treats. You decided it was better to be safe than sorry, so you made as many cakes, muffins, doughnuts, churros, brownies, and cookies as possible. The works. You couldn't go near the training centre, so you couriered them each day, handing over your mountain of confectionary with a label attached to which department it should go. Inside was a handwritten note apologising profusely for the difficulties you had caused them, promising that you would come to speak to them in person as soon as you were able to. The team was slightly easier to individualise things; you knew their favourites, so you spent a few days baking up a storm for them. You knew they were under strict instructions not to contact you – you wondered what punishment would await them if they tried – but you couldn't deny the total radio silence hurt a little. Could they really cut you out of their life so quickly? But this was your own making, you kept reminding yourself. This was on you. You had to fix this.
Eventually, your time in court came as you handed over the documents. The judge was strict and disapproving, but you could tell the man behind the gavel was nice enough. Your official confirmation documents came two days later, with instructions on who to give them to and when your next form deadlines were. You took out your phone, recorded the dates in your calendar, and wrote them on a piece of paper to pin to your fridge.
All that was left for you to do now was go to training.
Go to training and face the team.
Go to training and face the older girls you had been so rude to.
Go to training and face your captains.
Go to training and face Alexia again.
You set your alarm for 6 am the following day. You completed your usual daily routine – showering, brushing your teeth, getting your protein shake and breakfast, getting changed, getting in the car, and driving to the grounds. You had hoped it would calm you, but as the building got nearer and nearer, your nerves began to skyrocket. Taking steadying breaths, you made your way to the changing rooms. The building was eerie, being this quiet. Typically, the hallways were filled with loud chatter, and the changing rooms were filled with laughter. You made your way onto the pitches at 6.45. You were early, hoping it showed Alexia that you were trying to fix things. You initially decided to stand and wait for her, but then you remembered that she had told you you would be running until she decided you would stop. So, you start doing your stretching and activation. You didn't know this, but the Captains watched you from the conference room. It had floor-to-ceiling windows that overlooked the training facility. After your stretches, your phone buzzed. Alexia had texted.
Ale <3: 30 laps.
Cariño: Hi. Yes, no problem. Will you be coming outside?
Ale <3: No, but I will know if you cheat.
30 laps was a lot. But you didn't want to cheat; this was your punishment for all the stress you had caused, so you would do it, and you would do it honestly—even if it killed you. You had asked because you wanted to see Alexia. You tried to apologise to her first, but that wasn't an option at the moment.
Ale <3: It's 7. Start running.
You filled with your watch as you took off on a gentle jog.
"30? Are you trying to kill her?" Irene asked as she watched you complete your 20th lap. You had only been running for about 35 minutes, but she was mildly concerned. This was the first time you'd done any significant form of movement in a while.
"She won't be needed in matches for a while. She'll be fine." Alexia wasn't about to let you off the hook.
"I know she won't be at matches for a while, but come on, Ale. She's got to do a full day's training after this. And laps afterwards." Marta pointed out. They had all been disappointed and hurt by your actions, but she thought Alexia might be taking it too far.
"She's fine. And who said she won't be at matches?" Alexia smiled, slightly evilly, Patri thought.
"You did?" Paños looked at her, confused.
"No, I said she won't be playing in matches. She will still attend them." They all shared mildly worried looks but let Alexia have her way.
When you eventually finished, you walked around with your hands on your head, taking deep breaths and trying to slow your heart rate down. 
Ale <3: You can go. Be at breakfast at 8.30.
Your heart sank a little as you felt the iciness behind her texts, but this was your own doing. You had to deal with the consequences—like an adult. You headed to the showers to get dressed for the next training session, your shoulders slightly drooping. Alexia couldn't deny that it pulled on her heartstrings a little, but you must be taught a lesson about accountability.
When you arrived out of the showers, the changing room was busy. Everyone stopped talking as you walked to your cubby. You decided to utilise everyone staring at you to your advantage.
"I would like to take this time to apologise to you as a team. I will be coming and doing it individually as well, but I wanted to do this as a team. I am so, deeply, truly sorry for the way I have been acting in these last few months. I was angry and frustrated, but instead of talking calmly like an adult, I raised my voice and lashed out. I am so sorry. I am also sorry for causing a rift in the team – that was never my intention. I am also sorry for the issues I have caused by not completing simple forms. I apologise." You nodded and turned around, hoping the eyes wouldn't keep looking at you. Ona first broke the silence, nudging you slightly and smirking as you met her eyes.
The training was brutal, and Jonatan was not taking it easy on you (and you were reasonably sure it had a little bit to do with Alexia). You used the time you were allowed to talk to apologise to everyone personally. Most people shook you off, but the older girls listened to you and told them how much you hurt them. They accepted it nonetheless – they could see you were trying to make amends. You got through training without complaints, like an adult. You helped collect the equipment before stopping in front of your 4 captains.
"H – How many laps?" You asked, not quite looking any of them in the eyes.
"5," Alexia commented. You nodded and set off running again.
"Ale, aren't you being a little harsh? You're making her run about 6km today on top of training." Marta looked at you. You looked a little weak, running slower than this morning. But you had the determined glint in your eye that told her only Alexia could make you stop.
"She needs to learn her lesson." She shrugged and moved away.
It continued for about three weeks before Jonatan put his foot down. He was starting to get more than a little concerned by your and Alexia's behaviour. You had made up with the rest of the team entirely. The older girls, bar Alexia, asked you about your evenings, and you asked about theirs—just like any group of adults would do.
"Alexia. You need to stop this. She has proved herself. She has said sorry to every person in this building. You need to stop punishing her. I want her back on the team sheets for matches, and I can't do that with you slowly killing her." Jonatan had called her into his office after training. He hadn't initially questioned her behaviour; he had supported it at the beginning. But he could see that the constant rejection from her was getting to you. You were still young, after all.
"She hasn't," Alexia said, watching as he furrowed his brow in confusion. "She hasn't apologised to me."
"Maybe that's because you keep looking at her like you're going to kill her. I see her come up to you, clearly trying to apologise, and then you stare at her, not unlike how you're staring at me now." She quickly fixed her face. "You're terrifying the poor girl."
Her talk with Jonatan made Alexia question her methods a little bit. Yes, she made you run an additional 35 laps daily, but you had to learn your lesson, right? This was the only way to make you see how you were behaving. She was sure of it. In actuality, she was hurt. Your actions had really hurt her. Disregarding you shouting at her in front of everyone, you hadn't wanted her. And that really stung. She may have wanted you to also feel that pain … just a little bit.
As Alexia walked up to your door, she was slightly … nervous? No, that couldn't be right. She was Alexia Putellas, she didn't get nervous. But she was. It was the same feeling she got as a teenager when she knew she had run late at training, missing her curfew, and knowing that her mother was waiting for her behind the door. She decided she was more apprehensive than nervous. Alexia did not get nervous. As she raised her hand to knock, the door disappeared.
"I really don't know what to do," you jumped slightly as you registered that someone was standing before you. "Oh, hi," you said uncertainly. "Ona, I've got to go … Ale, um, Alexia's here … bye." You hung up the phone, putting your coat back behind the door. "Would you like to come in?" You offered meekly.
"Por favor. If that's ok." You smiled hesitantly and stepped back.
"Would you like a drink? I've got water, juice, tea, coffee … wine?" You sounded so unsure of yourself. Had she caused this?
"A tea would be lovely." You both settled yourself with the standard social conventions.
"I wanted to talk to you, actually," you said as you gestured to the table. "I wanted to apologise to you. I shouldn't have spoken to you like that. I was rude. I should have been adult enough to discuss my feelings properly," you stared hard at the table, fidgeting with the mug in your hands. As Alexia opened her mouth again, you continued, pushing through before she could comment. "I would also like to apologise for what happened with the documents. I was so stupid not to fill out those forms. I made something that would have taken an afternoon at most into a massive thing. I'm sorry if I caused any embarrassment to you, as a person or as Capitana." You thought you embarrassed her? Yes, what you did was irresponsible, but you were living alone for the first time in a new country. Alexia should have made you do the forms earlier when you still lived with her, not doing them herself without your knowledge.
"Gracias, cariño." You looked up, shocked at the term of endearment. She hadn't called you that in a long time. "I would also like to apologise."
"You have nothing to-" you interjected.
"Sí, cariño, I do. I was so harsh on you. Harsher than what was warranted. I'm sorry. I'm not embarrassed; I never was. I was hurt. You said you didn't need or want me anymore. That hurt me," she explained.
"Ale … Alexia, I'll always want you around. I didn't want to go cold turkey on you. I just wanted you to treat me like you treat Cláudia, or Jana, or Ona. But I never wanted you to not be in my life." She smiled softly at your response. Although, she didn't like that you hesitated to call her Ale.
"Look at us, cariño, talking like the adults we both are." She joked as she sipped on her tea.
"Like the adults we both are, Ale." You smiled back.
So that was part 2. I hope you liked it. I don't think I'll make any more parts, but we shall see.
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teymars · 9 months
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PEARLS OF STEEL ⊛
Pairing: adult!neteyam x fem!metkayina reader ⋆
MDNI - 18+ - SMUT UNDER THE CUT!
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warnings- smut, minimal plot, dom!neteyam, fluff, neteyam w piercings, oral (m & f receiving), overstim, some praise, tongue piercing (midline), dick piercing (PA), fingering, degradation (minimal), choking, swearing, no use of y/n, aged-up!neteyam.
plot summary- Neteyam has been courting you as of the last few months, since his family arrived at Awa’atlu. From the beginning, you were aware of his tongue ‘piercing’ which he received shortly before meeting you. The metallic ball never really bothered you, he claimed his brother dared him to get it done- which he couldn’t back down to. Eventually when things get heated, you discover his tongue isn’t the only place decorated by pearls of steel. You also discover the many benefits of these accessories. //
notes: this is my first ever fic here so I am open to constructive criticism, I hope you enjoy!
Divider by: Benkeibear 🤍
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There was an undeniable tension lingering in the air that separated you from him. Neteyam sat on the floor of your shared marui, tail twitching as he focused on adorning his usual jewelry silently. Your cerulean-gaze simmered into the deep-blue skin of his back, making him subconsciously shift in unease. “Do you really have to leave so early? I’m sure the-” “Sweetheart, you know I have tasks to get through! I’m sorry but I really gotta get going. We will see each other again at dinner, okay?” Neteyam interrupted in a soft tone.
You pouted at the man as he turned to face you. “Don’t look at me like that, baby.” He practically whispered before standing and coming to crouch in-front of you, a faux seriousness on display. Neteyam’s attempt at looking earnest caused you to break into a smile, which he soon matched. His mouth parted open slightly in a grin, giving you a glimpse of his shiny piercing. “please.” You whispered before leaning in, clasping his lips in a soft kiss.
Neteyam groaned quietly against your lips. Unable to resist the temptation of your advances, he pressed you slowly back onto the sleeping-mat. Soon your mouths parted in practiced unison, allowing your tongues to intertwine in a fight for dominance. The slightly cooler metal of his piercing rubbed smoothly against your tongue, feeling as though it came from every angle. Lust seeped from your core like the sweat between his heated body and yours. Neteyam pulled apart slightly, taking a moment to breathe. “We should-” “no, no please.. Teyam!” This time you were interrupting him, followed by an attempt at interlocking your swollen lips again.
Without a word, the man backed away from the encapsulating heat of your mouth. He began sucking wet kisses along your neck and collarbone, the steel pearl of his tongue grinding softly into your skin. Things typically never escalated this far between you two, although you definitely weren’t complaining. His open-mouthed kisses reached your chest and he paused all movement. “Is this okay, sweetheart?” He whispered in question while gripping a tassel on your woven top. You nodded frantically before arching your back so he could access the knot of your clothing. Within mere moments the top was tossed out of sight and mind, leaving you bare in-front of his increasingly lustful gaze. “So, so beautiful..” he cooed, causing your cheeks to heat up rapidly.
Neteyam began to suck and lick lightly over one of your tits, allowing his piercing to roll against your hard nipple. These actions had you gasping and arching deliciously beneath his towering form. In response to a particularly sensitive lick, you grasped his braids tightly between your fingers and yanked his head. Neteyam glared up at you. “You’re such a brat sometimes, you know? Always so fucking needy.” His smooth voice lowered as his hot breath fanned over your chest. A whine curled from your throat as he continued the same ministration on your tits. “ahhsh, cold!” You seethed, only to be ignored as his focus remained on your body. “You like this, don’t you?” Neteyam accentuated his assumption with continuous rolls of his pierced tongue against your skin, slowly trailing down your torso and past your navel. All you could do was nod frantically at him, trying to contain an itching moan.
“You’re so wet for me already, baby.” He observed as your pheromones penetrated his senses and your loincloth continued to soak up some of your arousal. “Fuck it.” Without further elaboration, he began to untie your loincloth. Only briefly did he gaze into your hazy blues in search of confirmation. Satisfied by your approving glance, your clothing was now completely discarded. Neteyam soon removed his own loincloth for fear his painful erection would ruin it anyways.
The warrior gazed at your slick coated cunt with complete admiration flooding his golden hues. “Shit, look at you all pretty and spread out for me.” He murmured. “Be a good girl, baby. let me take care of you, okay?” Another heat driven nod from you initiated his continuation, as he began to press warm kisses to your inner thighs. “Neteyam? Need- need you!” His ears perked at your sudden announcement, his cock throbbing with desire as he registered your words. “You’re such a whore for me, aren’t you?” He questioned rhetorically. “Be patient.” He cooed, now rubbing circles into your thighs as his chin lowered until his nose pressed into your mound. Neteyam’s tongue shot out briefly in a kitten-lick, testing the waters and gauging your reaction as the tip smoothed over your pulsing clit. You shuddered at the fleeting sensation before being thrown into an ocean of tingling feels. Neteyam proceeded to lick a wet stripe through your folds, up to your clit before sucking down on it lightly. “You taste soo good, holy shit.” He mumbled.
Within seconds your hand had clasped into his braids again, urging him to keep going. The man groaned against your pussy, sending vibrations through your system like a domino effect. It was then that you felt the cold sting of a familiar bead rolling across your aching clit. “Fuck!” You gritted out as jolts of pleasure shot like lightning through your body. This sensation was shortly followed by his long, thick fingers prodding against your entrance. “You’re gonna take my fingers so well, aren’t you?” Neteyam taunted as he pressed one finger into you firmly, quickly returning his mouth to your clit. He was obsessed with the way your body reacted to his mouth, particularly his piercing. He got to work thrusting his finger slowly into your heat, then adding another. He then curled them tightly into your sweet spot as his piercing inflicted buzz after buzz to your clit.
All these new feelings overwhelmed you quickly, a tight knot formed in your stomach that bubbled and fizzed with energy. “Wait! I think-” Before Neteyam could even process your words, the knot snapped and a shrill moan broke past your lips. Your release flooded around his fingers like a raging river as you clenched onto him hard and convulsions overtook your spent frame. “That’s it, slut. Cum all over my fucking fingers.” Neteyam growled while still proceeding with his thrusts into your drenched cunt. He wasn’t shocked in the slightest by your abrupt release, he only continued to push you past the brink of a second orgasm.
“Teyam, I can’t-”
“Oh, but you will.”
“Please! It’s too much..”
“Baby, you should have thought about that before you got all needy. Now you can fucking take what I give you.”
Neteyam’s fingers increased to a bruising pace inside of you, his mouth returning to lick through your folds. He thoroughly enjoyed the flavors of your release on his tongue, drinking it up like he would become severely dehydrated if he stopped. The painful twitching of his cock began to become a problem though as his desperation for release had risen drastically. Despite this, he continued pumping you with vigor until the familiar clenching around his fingers resurfaced. You moaned loudly as a second release shook through your core, falling off the cliff into overstimulation. He groaned happily against you, enjoying his meal. You lay there for a moment, catching your breath and recovering from the sensitivity enough so that you could focus on his next movements.
Slowly, the man removed his fingers from your abused hole and stood tall, gazing down at your fucked-out expression with eyes matching that of a starving Palulukan. He held your eye contact, soundlessly sucking his soaked fingers clean followed by flexing a smirk. Only then did you gain the confidence and strength to look away, partly in embarrassment, just for your stare to fall upon his dick. It stood tall and rigid, matching his skin colour apart from its dark purple tip. You were completely awestruck by his size and beauty. At first, not even noticing the very familiar steel-pearl adorned on his leaking tip. “You have one there too??” You whispered hoarsely, questioning the obvious, while also observing the way beads of precum shimmered on it- as he had never mentioned it before. “Yea I do, that was also part of the dare, I regret it though.” He spoke with a slight grit behind his words, clearly growing impatient despite basking in the light of your curious face gazing almost innocently at him. You cocked a hairless-brow at his words. “It was a stupid dare and I don’t want to be constantly reminded of my foolishness, the tongue piercing isn’t so bad but this one, I plan to get it removed.” He explained, cupping your cheek in his large hand. You simply nodded, trying to understand his issue despite your clouded mind.
His confession soon left an idea coursing through your foggy brain. Smirking, you reached forward and gripped what you could of his shaft between your curled fingers. Neteyam grunted in satisfaction at the new feeling, observing the way your small hand ran up and down his shaft painstakingly slow. His breath completely hitched as your thumb teasingly danced over his tip, pinching against the ball of his piercing in order to collect some of his pre. The man’s hips stuttered forward abruptly, chasing the overwhelming sensation as if he would die without it. “Shit! stop doing that, love.” He spoke slowly in a low tone, sounding more like a threat than a request. You rubbed your aching thighs together, attempting to diminish some nerves. This only made you whimper quietly as the overstimulation came back to the forefront, hitting you with the force of an Akula.
Deciding to ignore any further feelings of doubt and sensitivity, you took his cock and licked a long stripe underneath from base to tip. Neteyam let a moan slip past his lips at the sensation, his veins pulsing beneath your hot tongue. You then curled your wet muscle over his head, sucking at it and flicking the piercing lightly. The most guttural moan escaped his throat as his head lolled backwards in ecstasy, moments later his hand was wrapped tightly in your hair. He lost some control, snapping his hips fast towards your face. You gagged loudly as his cock rammed into the back of your throat harshly, causing tears to form in your murky eyes. “Fuck—shit! I’m sorry..” Neteyam whimpered out as his hips continued fucking into your constricting throat. “So good, sooo fucking tight! Haah!” The man babbled as his thrusts fell into a rhythm, causing you to choke loudly on his length. “I warned you- not to..” He paused. Feeling his piercing rolling into the back of your throat was driving him to the edge, fast. “Eywa, I’m close..”
You attempted to hollow out your cheeks only to be interrupted as he pulls out, giving you a chance to breathe again. Neteyam began fisting his cock eagerly in-front of your face, grunting loudly as he twitched with the need for release. “Where do you want it?” He asked abruptly, though it didn’t take long for you to decide. “I want to swallow it..” You said with mustered confidence, reopening your mouth as his hot release began shooting right onto your tongue. “fuck, fuck, fuuuck! cumming- I’m cumming!” He rambled as his orgasm continued to spill onto your face, into your mouth and drip down your chin. You swallowed eagerly and the sight only increased his satisfaction. After a while, the two of you finally pulled some air back into your lungs. He proceeded to wipe the excess cum from your soft face with a spare cloth.
“damn baby, that was fucking amazing-” Neteyam spoke softly while kneeling down in-front of you again, feeling completely relieved. He then took in your half lidded, completely exhausted face. “Shit babygirl, I’m so sorry, did I hurt you?” You shook your head, smiling at him before collapsing onto the sleeping-mat. He was content with your response. Wishing to thank you for it all, Neteyam was quick to lean down between your parted legs again. His only intention being to eat you out until he couldn’t feel his tongue anymore. You were far too tired to stop him, let alone mind it.
“Maybe you should keep the piercing after all, hmm?” You whispered, earning a cheeky smile from Neteyam. “Maybe, sweetheart.”
For anybody who wants to know how he got the piercings, ask Norm.
And that’s it, idk if I would ever do a pt.2 but I hope whoever reads this found it enjoyable :)
Edit: thank you so much for the likes, comments, follows and reblogs! I really appreciate it and I’m glad you guys enjoyed my fic, more coming soon! Please feel free to send me suggestions. I LOVE YOU ALL !!🥰💕🤍
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seat-safety-switch · 10 days
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I am not the kind of person who would become a chicken farmer. Don't get me wrong: I can certainly understand the reasons why you would. There's a lot of different makes and models of chickens, and they help keep bugs out of your property. Plus, they make eggs. There is, however, one big downside: you don't have to buy a special vehicle for them.
One of the greatest things about agriculture is that it gives you an excuse to buy a specialized automobile or automobile accessory. Cows? Need a cattle trailer. Horses? Horse trailer. Big trucks in either regard. Chickens are small, so you can throw them in the back of your regular ol' Subaru wagon, and take them to the chicken vet whenever you want. It's an easy lifestyle, but as Socrates once said, the life where you don't buy a cool niche automobile is hardly a life at all.
Don't worry, shareholders. I am fully aware of the spending power and spare capital of chicken-lovers all over the country. There is a non-solution from Switch Industries to this non-problem. We simply give the chickens each their own little cars. They can drive themselves to the vet, or to the feed store, and sleep in their cars rather than rely on the construction of old-fashioned, expensive (and increasingly costly) chicken coops.
Many haters are speaking out against this project, and I address those haters now. You might think that this is excessive. You might think that this is impossible. You might think that this is illegal. Self-driving car technology has come a long way from the early days of "tie a rope to it." With modern Japanese technology (i.e. batteries stolen from floor models of Makita power drills at Home Depot,) a small chicken-operated electric car, built out of a repurposed Power Wheels®, can easily reach highway speeds.
As for illegality, it turns out that the current government will write whatever law we tell them to do, as long as we grow our chicken-driving industry to a size that is awkward to legislate before those lawmakers wake up to the threat. It is for this reason that I've partnered with some only-slightly-arrested junk bond kings in the tri-state areas to fuel this development.
So if you have a bunch of chickens on your property, easy access to the highway, and a lack of legal representation, call Switch Industries as soon as possible. We'll get you hooked up with your own fleet of NuggetRides® as soon as possible. You won't regret it, or at least we won't.
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nocturnesmoon · 5 months
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Safety Nets
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Pairing: Simon "Ghost" Riley x John "Soap" MacTavish x GN!Reader Wordcount: 6k Tags: Polyamory, established relationship, Hurt/comfort, a LOT of comfort, the guys take care of you, that's the fic CW/TW: Military inaccuracies? canon typical violence, insecurities, heavy self doubt and self blame, minor character death, A/N: This is probably inaccurate mission and military wise but idc i wanted to write something like this for so long- though i am open to constructive criticism if you got some notes. (Read on Ao3)
-You come back from a mission that shook you to your core, the boys help you back on your feet as they always do-
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The wind raged like a storm in your ears, despite the heavy earmuffs which sat too tight on your head, you could hear it clearly. When you closed your eyes, you could imagine it being a hurricane, a wind so strong it would scoop you up and carry you to who knows where. One that would tear you apart and leave no remnants of who you were.
The thought seemed nice, to be taken away and to never return. To be freed from not having to face your own failures in the disappointed stares, that awaited down on the rapidly approaching platform. Your body rocked with every little swerve of the helicopter, no longer having the strength to go against the motion.
"Lieutenant?" Your head snapped up to the soldier in front of you. You ignored the crack in your neck and the ache that pooled into your muscles. He'd been calling on you a few times now, his concerned eyes searching your face for an answer. "We're about to land sir," the soldier let you know, you couldn't muster up a verbal response, only a nod to acknowledge you'd heard.
Ever since they had picked you up on the site, they had that look of pity. It made you squirm, feeling all too self-aware of the way your clothes were caked in mud and blood. Your bones hurt, and your joints felt like snapping in half. You had spent the majority of the mission running, believing that you wouldn't make it out. You had fled, and you had left them behind.
The size of the heli was too big for just you, the soldier, and the pilot in the front. The space felt like caging you in, reminding you of your failure, of who you had lost. Your eyes threatened to shut, the exhaustion whispering in your ear that it would all feel a little better if you let yourself drift away into sleep.
Except every time your eyes slipped closed it wasn't darkness you saw, it was their screams, their blood, and their gore. The cracks you heard when one of the bullets pierced someone's skull echoed in your ears, as if you were still down there on the battlefield.
You were pulled back into your own head, your mind running laps to go through the mission once more. Every single second accounted for so you could dissect your failure. How each one of them had fallen, one by one they dropped like they were nothing. How you had ran with what was left of your team, until one got caught in a bear trap and pulled under falling debris, and the other was shot in the stomach.
You had hoped your head would fill with fog, that it would help you forget and suppress the last few moments of that soldier’s life. His name had been Jacob, his callsign Wisp, he had been difficult to deal with but his progress under your guidance had been noticeable. You hated how it was only now you could remember every little thing about him. Before you didn't care, you did your job in training him, guiding him, but you never made an effort to know him. You wished your brain would stop remembering every little thing now, making you feel all the more guilty.
You wished your brain would do that thing it's supposed to do, block out the traumatic memories so you didn't have to deal with them. Yet they were there still so fresh in your mind, like an open wound, his last words repeated over and over in your mind. You'd think someone's last words would be scared, or sentimental or a sweet last wish. Not his, no he decided his last wish was to let you know just how much you had failed them all.
Over and over again you replayed that memory, how his blood had mixed with the dirt and gravel under you both. You remember how his hand had clutched onto your arm, digging his nails through your sleeve and into your skin. He had pulled you down with him in his final moments, uttered those words into your ear with so much disdain the tone would have rocked your core on its own.
"This is your fault, you led us here."
There was more to his words, you were sure there was but maybe your brain was doing part of its job now. You could only cling to every part of the memory you could before it slipped away into the fog. It was only when someone gently nudged you that you snapped out of your own mind once more. "Sir?" your body went rigid at the touch and the voice, and you fought the distinct urge to disarm the person that was in front of you.
It was the same soldier that had been with you ever since they found you. He had been careful around you ever since he saw the casualties, walking on eggshells around you as if you were a loose cannon, maybe you were. "Sir?" he repeated, being a little more patient now that he had your attention, "We're here."
You felt your stomach drop, nodding slowly and glancing towards the opening doors, the platform outside. You could already glimpse at the two people that were waiting for you, they had probably been on edge for days. It only made you more guilty how you must have worried them, ever since your call for immediate evac. You weren't even sure you could reassure them once you got down there, you weren't sure you wouldn't just collapse to your knees the moment you were within their vicinity.
"Do you need help Lieutenant?" the soldier in front of you hadn't moved, it surprised you slightly, having been sure he would be just as eager to get off and way from your stench of death. For a moment you want to say yes, tell them to get someone to carry you, because your knees would give out the moment you went to stand, but how would that look for you. A new promising Lieutenant, the first op you led after you got your new rank and it turned out like this.
You didn't dare look up at the soldier, too afraid that your own eyes would give you away. You considered for a moment, to tell the soldier to go get the only two people who would know what to do. The only two people you would trust enough to become vulnerable with. "No..." your voice barely comes through, but he seems to register it, his legs moving quickly to get down on the platform. It was time to face them.
It had been a long few days ever since you said goodbye to the two of them. 72 hours since you had left on the plane with the promise of being back sometime the next day. 24 since Johnny had started complaining about your absence. 6 since Simon had been alerted of the fact you had called for immediate evac, that the supposedly simple mission had gone wrong in every way possible.
He hadn't relayed all the grueling details to Johnny, just that the op had gone wrong and that you might come back a little rattled. Simon wasn't entirely sure what had gone wrong either, he just knew there was casualties, and the team wasn't coming back in one piece. The scot next to him was restless, practically jumping in place from anxiety, watching intently as the heli descended and the doors opened.
Simon kept one step in front of him, knowing the man all too well, and even though his eagerness is shared within Simon's own veins, he knows that you might not be in a state that could positively receive that. He knew the both of you inside and out, the years he had spent with both you and  Johnny allowed him to know you in ways he didn't think possible.
He was quick to find out exactly what made you both tick, what set you off, what made you happy and what would comfort you. He didn't like the uncertainty; it was a rocky start when he was still mapping out your emotions. By now you all knew each other well, like three puzzle pieces that fit together, you had found each other and filled out the holes in each other’s lives. Certainty was assured when he was with either of you because you both knew he needed it.
This was new, this was an uncertainty he didn't like. He had no idea what you would be like when you came down to the platform, down into their arms once again. Not to mention the fact you and nobody else had come out yet only churned that unsettling anxiety in his stomach further.
"L.T?" the sound of Johnny's accent filled his ears, his shoulders managing to relax just a little. He wasn't alone in this, he reminded himself, Johnny would be here to figure out how to help you as well. Johnny's pinky curled around Simon's, his urge to pull them both away from the public area would have overpowered if it wasn't for the fact, they were waiting for you.
The pilot had gotten out almost as soon as they landed, but you were still nowhere. He could just peak inside, trying to look for you or anyone else he would recognize. He only caught a glimpse of your form, hidden behind another soldier who was speaking to you. "What's taking 'em so long," Simon mumbled quietly, his mask obscuring his already quiet speech.
Johnny let out a heavy sigh, the hold his pinky finger had was surprisingly strong. They shared the anxiousness, the uncomfortable knowledge that you weren't okay. "Ah dinnae ken" he answered, trying to angle himself so he could get a better look at you. Unfortunately, there wasn't a lot he could see at the distance.
They waited, as patiently as they could, the inconspicuous grip they had on each other also served to hold themselves back. Their resolve was wearing thin, and they both knew it, that soldier was talking to you about something, something they didn't know about, and they didn't like it. Simon almost completely lost it when he saw the soldier emerge without you, but his attention was quickly turned when you appeared not long after.
Your walk was slow, in no hurry to get back to them, it should've been the first sign. You looked around as if you were confused, as if you hadn't walked down this path a hundred times before. Johnny wasted no time bolting forward, closing in on you with the clear goal that you were his target. It startled you and Simon almost wanted to berate Johnny in that moment for being so quick with his movements.
Though what Simon saw almost made him want to have a little more time to prepare. The look in your eye rattled something foreign in his bones. It was something familiar, something he had seen in himself once upon a time. Something terrifying he'd never have wished upon you, how it felt when his bare soul had been chipped away at. He looked behind you, expecting some other members of your team to perhaps clue them in on the horror that had occurred.
The hit felt even harder when he realized, you were the only one.
By the time they had gotten you inside and settled in the tub you were a little more present. Your awareness a little higher from when they were on the platform. You had barely spoken a word to them, so vary of threats on every corner that you didn't even let your guard down for them as you usually did.
Only when they had managed to drag you inside, convinced you that your report could wait for later, and gotten you safely inside the space of your own quarters, did you settle. Johnny had carefully helped you out of your clothes, taking the task of cleaning you up and settling you into the safe atmosphere that was them.
He had whispered soft praise in your ears as he removed layer after layer, meanwhile suppressing the want to berate you for each little wound he found on your body. He knew you didn't need the extra scolding, the pure shock from the mission would be enough for you. However, he still felt that sting of hurt in his heart, knowing that neither he nor Simon was there to look after you, to take care of you.
He was well aware that you were capable on your own, you wouldn't have made it this far if you weren't good at what you did. If your rank wasn't enough to go from, then your other various accomplishments on your resume was. But when he saw you like this, with the silent knowledge that you could've been wiped out along with the rest, it put a dark cloud over his mind.
He helped you slowly lower yourself into the bath Simon had previously prepared. You winced in pain when the warm water touched your wounds. None of them were severe enough to cause major worry, but that didn't mean they didn't hurt just as much. Your movements were sloggy, relying on Johnny to not lose yourself completely.
"There ye are," Johnny mumbled quietly, forcing a soft smile on his lips in hopes you soothing you. You let out a shuddering sigh, doing your best to relax into the warm water. You pulled your legs close to your chest, resting your tin atop your bruised knees. "Oh leannan," he gently presses his lips to your temple, cradling your head in an attempt for comfort.
It feels like you're not fully present, watching the world from a third person view that doesn’t exist. You have half of your comfort with you, his hands grabbing the washcloth and slowly moving it over your skin. You look around the small bathroom, trying to locate the other half of your comfort, the missing equation.
"Si..." You're taken aback on your own voice, the croak and soreness of it all leaving you wondering whether you had yelled or screamed more than you thought. You tried to think back on it, settling your mind into the mission again but it made a headache form.
Johnny's motion came to a slow stop, his eyes catching your pleading ones. He knew what you wanted, but he wasn't the one that could give it to you. "He's comin' soon," he does his best at keeping your calm, "S'ok jus' relax." His free hand finds your cheek, making you focus your vision on him.
You lean into it, your body trembling slightly beneath his touch. It was warm and safe, two things you hadn't felt ever since you left. He moved the washcloth over your face, rubbing at the dirt that had infested itself on your skin. His eyes never left your face, his attention and devotion completely yours. His eyes fell on your trembling lips, before quickly flickering upwards to see the tears prickling at the corner of your eyes.
"S'ok love, yer okay" He lets the washcloth rest on the edge of the tub so he could take your face in both hands. His forehead leans against yours, bringing you close and gently coaxing you into more contact. "Just breathe with me aye, he'll be back in no time" your eyes fluttered closed, listening to his instructions, glad that you were able to let go of the part of your brain that needed to make decisions.
Fortunately, he was right, as he often is.
Heavy footsteps could be heard and then the creak of the door, it made you snap your eyes open, their searching beginning once more. They landed on the tall brute, Simon's eyes fixated on you since the moment he made his way into the bathroom. He closed the door behind him and made his way towards the tub, planting himself on the toilet seat right next to it.
He was still wearing his mask, tired eyes searching your body and gliding over the wounds in your traumatized state. He lets out a deep sigh, reaching his hand up to his mask and slowly sliding it off. You had seen his face so many times, by now it shouldn't affect you anymore, yet still you can't help that feeling you get when you see him shed the mask in front of you and Johnny. The trust he has in the two of you makes your heart flutter.
The look he's giving you almost makes you feel ashamed, even though you know that he's just concerned. He's always been, that's why he's so harsh on you, on Johnny, even on occasion Garrick. You're pretty sure the only reason he isn't like that on Price as well is because of his higher rank and better experience. He's trained you hard so you could overcome anything, but no amount of training could prepare you for this kind of thing.
Johnny leans back, allowing Simon more space to move closer. You move before he does, leaning your body slightly to the side. The sound of splashing water went deaf on your ears, even as Johnny yelped from some of the water going overboard. Your chin ended up nestled atop Simon's thigh, his eyes never leaving you as you moved. His hand coming down to rest on the back of your head.
"How we doin' pet?" his voice of gravel is like a blanket for your soul, the years of smoking giving him a voice that makes you shiver. In truth you don't feel like speaking, you don't feel like answering at all. You know you have to; you can't hide forever but you still hope they won't inquire about the mission just yet.
You let out a huff, almost hoping that the answer would suffice for Simon, but he keeps looking at you with those expectant eyes. "I don't know," you whisper quietly, letting your eyes fall, your body going slack against the side of the tub.
Simon nods in response, a hum of understanding going out to you. "S'fine, you don't have to know right now," he tells you, giving you the peace of mind to just have a non-conditional existence between them.
Johnny picks up the washcloth again, guiding your arms in his direction so he could continue his work of getting you clean. They're both quick and efficient with cleaning you up, Simon's rough voice filling the room as he updates you on things that's happened since you were gone. It's not much, mostly trivial things you don't care about and will likely forget, but it keeps your calm, giving you something else to focus on.
"Ye should've seen Cap he was livid," Johnny's laughs and you muster a smile, hearing about his latest misadventures, and the dumb thing's he'd rode Gaz into. His hands run over your scalp, working in the shampoo and grimacing when he takes out a small clump of dirt. "Aye darling, how the hell did ye get so caked in mud anyway," he sighs, parting your strands to get to the nape of your neck.
You bend your head down to allow him to work through your hair without straining his arms. "I..." you do your best to think back, but the number of times you fell down and scraped against things were a blur. "I think i tripped a lot...it was a muddy area," You held back a pleasured groan, as Johnny worked his fingers over your scalp, small goosebumps going down your back and arms.
"I don't really remember," you admit and let out an exasperated sigh. Johnny finishes up your hair, going for a little longer than necessary in hopes of keeping your enjoyment going awhile longer. When he pulls back to reach for the shower head, he boops your nose, leaving some soap on your face. His mischievous grin is infectious, and it manages to tug the corners of your lips upwards. The way his eyes light up when he sees your half smile makes your heart hurt, you've worried them so much, you're still worrying them.
As soon as they got you out of the water you were clinging to them like a leech. Refusing to let go of the precious contact you've already established with them. They move you around between them, molding you to them as they do the teamwork of getting you dry. Simon peppers soft kisses to your lips and cheeks while Johnny moves the towel over your back.
Even after they're done getting you as dry as they can, they keep you there. Sandwiched between them they hold you tight, and in tune each other. Johnny's head nestled in the crook of your neck and Simon's chin resting on top of your head. It's a stance that squeezes you tight, your own head getting light from the amount of love they try to squeeze into your bones.
It makes your heart burn, and your eyes sting with tears. Your breathing coming out in small gasps, as you end up choking back on a sob. Every single little thing coming crashing down on you now that you know you're safe in their arms. They've always got you, ready to catch you in case you fall. That hasn't changed, and being so subtly reminded by them brings it all out.
"Breathe," you aren't sure who says it, the disorienting feeling not alleviating even as they accommodate you. "Good Good," you recognize Simon's praising voice when you manage to take a few deep breaths. The tears never manage to fall but you don't doubt that they both know just by looking at your pathetic state.
"Love, we need to treat your wounds," he starts off quietly, not having any haste to move you, "Johnny'll go get you some food, and then we can get you settled into bed, okay?" He's making it sound more like a question, but you know it's just to make you aware of their next movements.
Even so you can't help but cling to Johnny's presence as he starts to unattach himself from the cuddle. You look up at him with pleading eyes, hoping he would stay if you just used puppy eyes enough. You almost think he'll budge as he moves closer to you again, his lips descending onto yours for a chaste kiss. Reluctantly he pulls away again, "Be back soon, ah promise ye."
Before you can protest and force him to stay, Simon scoops you up and places you on the bathroom counter. Distracting you from Johnny's quest of finding food that will be easily digested. He holds your face in his hand to keep your eyes on him, while the other one rummage through a cabinet.
You had gotten extremely lucky all things considered, the worst of your injuries the long scrapes on your back from sliding down a hill with sharp rocks. The rest included rough bruises, sore joints, and jumbled mind. Your other teammates had been much less fortunate, led right into their death by your own incompetence.
You're softly called back to reality, Simon gently rubbing his thumb over your cheek and calling your name. You don't know how long you were zoned out, but it was long enough to give him that worried glint in his eye. "Sorry..." you croak, swallowing thickly to hold it all back but this time it's not as easy.
The tears come slow and quiet, the shake in your body forcing them out of your waterline and down your cheekbones. He gently wipes them away, pulling you in closer to his body again and cradling you against his chest. "You survived," he reminds you, "You're still here."
You want to nod along with him and take in his words to keep close. But you don't know if you agree with him, you survived but should you have? Why did you survive and not Jacob, not any of the other soldiers who trusted you to see it through.
Simon placed a soft kiss to the top of your head and then leaned over you to get a look at your back. He gave no reaction to whatever he saw as to not make you panic, though from the bleeding warmth in your back told you it probably wasn't looking the best.
"Lean back for me pet," he instructs you, slowly plucking you from his chest. With a reluctant sigh you lean back and look down at yourself. Your eyes trailing over every little bruise that littered your body. Simon was silent as he took care of you, giving you gentle squeezes over small kisses after every little wince you made.
When he was done treating the visible wounds, you could hear Johnny rustling around outside the bathroom. The only thing left was your back, the one you dreaded the most out of all your wounds. Simon leaned back just as Johnny came back into the room, a set of your clothes hanging over his arm. He places it on the counter and picks through it, handing you a fresh set of underwear, sweats, and t-shirt.
"Wait with the shirt, need to check over your back," Simon reaches over for the underwear and sweats, helping you into it and lowering you back to the floor. You stretch out your limbs, groaning as you feel the exhaustion in your body, your joints popping when you stretch your arms above your head.
Johnny takes your hand in his own, smiling at you and leading you into the bedroom. "Ah found ye some soup, there wasn't a lot to choose from at this hour," he told you as you crawl onto the bed. You glance at the nightstand, the soup bowl steaming and looking good enough to make your mouth water. The little chocolate bar next to it makes you smile, just until Simon guides you to lay on your stomach.
The real pain is about to start, you think. His hands smoothe over your back, avoiding the ridges of your wounds and grabbing the salve. "It'll be quick, am sure" Johnny lowers himself onto the bed next to you, mimicking your way of laying. His head right next to yours, his loving eyes staring into your own and the giddy smile he wore made you huff out the air in your lungs.
"Hi"
"Hi"
His hand reaches out and caresses your cheek, gently running his fingers over your scalp. He does his best at distracting you from the pain in your back. "How ye feelin'?" he asks quietly, his thumb running over your cheek and fixating on your lip.
"Like shit," you scoff and turn your face into the mattress. You feel Simon's hand run over your back, the aching pain making you whine into the sheets. His hands hesitate, smoothing over unscarred skin as an apology before going back to his work.
The work on your wounds is tedious, and when he finally pulls away your eyelashes are wet. The clutch you have on the sheets beneath you is starting to hurt your knuckles. Simon's touch leaves you, but you don't take any action to turn or move. Someone else guides you to move, the difference in touch leading you to believe it's Johnny.
He moves you closer to him, slowly turning you up so you're sitting and leaning against him. He gently helps you into a t-shirt before moving you around like a ragdoll once more. You're settled between his legs, your back to his front and his big forearms wrapped around your waist. He buries his head in your neck, squeezing you and inhaling your scent as if it's the only thing he ever needs.
"C'mon, you need'ta eat," the bed dips as Simon gets back on it, this time having the bowl of soup in hand. He settles in front of you both, reaching forward and gently rubbing your calf. "And we need to talk," he knows you don't want to, that you'd rather bury it deep. Unfortunately for you, he also knows where that will lead you, and the sooner you put it into words for them the easier you'll be able to process it.
You take the bowl from him, agreeing to at least eat something. You couldn't remember when you last had gotten something nutritional, your stomach felt like a gaping hole that was trying to eat itself. You brought the spoon to your lips and savored the taste. Despite the limited options Johnny had still managed to get the things you liked.
"Don't wanna talk," you mumble between your bites, trying to ignore the look Simon is giving you by staring into your swirling soup. "There's nothin' to talk about," You swallow thickly, ever since you had been back you had been fighting the thoughts that urged to trap you. They were just waiting for you to trip in your careful state, they would pull you under the bridge, drown you into the water until you couldn't breathe through your panic.
Simon didn't let go of your leg, rubbing slow soothing circles into your calf. His full attention was on you, and there was nowhere to hide from the man in front of you and the man behind you. Johnny placed a soft kiss to your neck, and mumbled into your skin, "We know ye don' wanna, Leannan, but when ye came back ye were like a Ghost."
When you didn't answer they elected to let you eat in silence for a while longer, unaware to the emotional storm inside your body. You knew that you would have to make that report eventually, that they would hear about the details eventually. But actually, being met with the demand was something else entirely.
You didn't know if you could bear their reactions, the thought of them being disappointed in you made the anxiety roar. You didn't want them to realize that all the time they had spent being proud of you for your achievement had been wasted. That you were nothing of what you promised to be.
You only realized how shaky your hands had become again when you raised the spoon to take another bite. Simon let out a soft sigh, before taking the spoon and bowl from you so you didn't spill on yourself or Johnny. "Darling?" the question was laid bare for you, he gave you the opening to start talking, to confide in them like you always did.
Your hands fall to your lap, right along with your sight. You try to calm your own nerves, trying to rationalize the stirring thoughts in your head. After an elaborate breath, that is more like an exhausted sigh, you find your words. "It was supposed to be a simple op, and it was in the start, find the target and neutralize him," you start quietly, grasping your own hands together.
"But once we were there and set up, nothing went as planned," you lightly shake your head along to your words, "They knew we were coming and hunted us like dogs." You swallow thickly, noting how the shakiness had nestled into your voice. "I tried to reroute our objective; we tried getting out of there, but this was unlike anything I had ever been up against."
Johnny's hand came to encapsulate your own, stilling your shakiness and you freeze up. Feeling all to self-aware all of a sudden, how the attention was on you, as they listened like you were the most important thing in the world. It was both a warm and agonizing feeling, their protectiveness was nice, but it was also scary.
"We were so close to getting out but...they were faster and I...I couldn't..." you choked back on your own voice, feeling the hotness burn on the back of your eyes. "They were better..." you admitted in a whisper, "If I had taken a different route maybe we could have avoided the trap, maybe we could have gotten the drop on them before they got to my team but...."
The feeling of Simon's hand cupping your cheek made you halt, teary eyes meeting his in temporary shock. "It wasn't your fault love," the sincerity in his voice rocks something deep in you, "There was no way anyone could've known." You tilt your head to the side slightly, you wanted to argue, to tell him you could've done a thousand things better.
"Aye, ye acted just how ye were supposed to, ye kept a level head and guided the rest to the best of yer ability," Johnny briefly took over. His voice was hot on your ear, his quiet whispers just as reassuring as the hand on your cheek, "Ye did everything ye could, and ye survived because of it."
"But they didn't..." You sank further into Johnny, sniffling as you held his thumb inside the little cocoon, he made of both of your hands. "They died because of me," you try to argue, despite being grateful that they didn't seem mad you almost wanted them to lash out, to give you right, to let you feel like a monster.
"They didn't die because of you, they died in action, trying to complete the mission they were given," Simon's voice turned a tad harsh, the determination to get through to you all the more prominent. "They knew this was a possibility when they signed up, you did everything you could for them, and the way you make it up to them is to keep going," he told you sternly.
"I know what it's like, to have people fall under your command," he sighs, "S'never not tough, and it's all too easy to fall into the spiral of whose fault it was." You paid close attention to him as he spoke, he always had a captivating way of speaking, just like when he dished out orders, he commanded authority in his mere presence. "It's somethin’ that happens love, it's important to mourn and assess," he looks you directly in the eye, "But it's also important that you know, it makes you neither monster nor failure."
You never knew whether to love or hate the way he could read your brain like had he telepathy, or personal access to your every little fear and sorrow. "It doesn’t make it feel any better," you said quietly, tilting your head into his palm, nuzzling against his skin.
"I know" he puts the half-finished bowl on the nightstand, "Gonna hurt for a while, but we'll be here with you through it." He gave you a half smile, moving closer so he could place a kiss to your forehead. "We're not going anywhere, ain't that right Johnny?" he glances to the man behind you.
"Aye," Johnny's chest rumbles with a hum, his lips placing a trail of loving kisses over your neck. "Not gonna let those nasty thoughts get to ye," he whispers and slowly moves you as Simon directs. Johnny gets you on your side in the bed, your back pressed even further into his chest. Simon gets out of the bed but only for a brief moment. The lights turn off above you, and soon after the bed dips.
You sigh when you feel Simon's skin on your own, his lips find your cheek as he settles in with you and Johnny. His arm supporting both you and Johnny's heads, his other hand coming over you to hold onto the man behind you after moving your hair out of your face. Compressed between them like this always felt like heaven, the pressure they put on your body was grounding and reminded you that you weren't alone.
"Sleep now," Simon's voice rumbled, "We'll be here when you wake up, and we can try again."
They were always here for you, even when you didn't know you needed the extra support. They had worked with you for so long, you had changed a lot with them and for the better. You felt safe with them, no matter how many times you would fall, they would always be there to catch you and get you back on your feet.
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flimsy-roost · 8 months
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I realized the other day that the reason I didn't watch much TV as a teenager (and why I'm only now catching up on late aughts/early teens media that I missed), is because I literally didn't understand how to use our TV. My parents got a new system, and it had three remotes with a Venn diagram of functions. If someone left the TV on an unfamiliar mode, I didn't know how to get back to where I wanted to be, so I just stopped watching TV on my own altogether.
I explained all this to my therapist, because I didn't know if this was more related to my then-unnoticed autism, or to my relationship with my parents at the time (we had issues less/unrelated to neurodivergency). She told me something interesting.
In children's autism assessments, a common test is to give them a straightforward task that they cannot reasonably perform, like opening an overtight jar. The "real" test is to see, when they realize that they cannot do it on their own, if they approach a caregiver for help. Children that do not seek help are more likely to be autistic than those that do.
This aligns with the compulsory independence I've noticed to be common in autistic adults, particularly articulated by those with lower support needs and/or who were evaluated later in life. It just genuinely does not occur to us to ask for help, to the point that we abandon many tasks that we could easily perform with minor assistance. I had assumed it was due to a shared common social trauma (ie bad experiences with asking for help in the past), but the fact that this trait is a childhood test metric hints at something deeper.
My therapist told me that the extremely pathologizing main theory is that this has something to do with theory of mind, that is doesn't occur to us that other people may have skills that we do not. I can't speak for my early childhood self, or for all autistic people, but I don't buy this. Even if I'm aware that someone else has knowledge that I do not (as with my parents understanding of our TV), asking for help still doesn't present itself as an option. Why?
My best guess, using only myself as a model, is due to the static wall of a communication barrier. I struggle a lot to make myself understood, to articulate the thing in my brain well enough that it will appear identically (or at least close enough) in somebody else's brain. I need to be actively aware of myself and my audience. I need to know the correct words, the correct sentence structure, and a close-enough tone, cadence, and body language. I need draft scripts to react to possible responses, because if I get caught too off guard, I may need several minutes to construct an appropriate response. In simple day-to-day interactions, I can get by okay. In a few very specific situations, I can excel. When given the opportunity, I can write more clearly than I am ever capable of speaking.
When I'm in a situation where I need help, I don't have many of my components of communication. I don't always know what my audience knows. I don't have sufficient vocabulary to explain what I need. I don't know what information is relevant to convey, and the order in which I should convey it. I don't often understand the degree of help I need, so I can come across inappropriately urgent or overly relaxed. I have no ability to preplan scripts because I don't even know the basic plot of the situation.
I can stumble though with one or two deficiencies, but if I'm missing too much, me and the potential helper become mutually unintelligible. I have learned the limits of what I can expect from myself, and it is conceptualized as a real and physical barrier. I am not a runner, so running a 5k tomorrow does not present itself as an option to me. In the same way, if I have subconscious knowledge that an interaction is beyond my capability, it does not present itself as an option to me. It's the minimum communication requirements that prevent me from asking for help, not anything to do with the concept of help itself.
Maybe. This is the theory of one person. I'm curious if anyone else vibes with this at all.
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