#also this isn't to say that an ed can't have certain symptoms of another ed | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

inkskinned · 4 months

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crows use tools and like to slide down snowy hills. today we saw a goose with a hurt foot who was kept safe by his flock - before taking off, they waited for him to catch up. there are colors only butterflies see. reindeer are matriarchical. cows have best friends and 4 stomachs and like jazz music. i watched a video recently of an octopus making himself a door out of a coconut shell.

i am a little soft, okay. but sometimes i can't talk either. the world is like fractal light to me, and passes through my skin in tendrils. i feel certain small things like a catapult; i skirt around the big things and somehow arrive in crisis without ever realizing i'm in pain.

in 5th grade we read The Curious Incident of the Dog In The Night-time, which is about a young autistic boy. it is how they introduced us to empathy about neurotypes, which was well-timed: around 10 years old was when i started having my life fully ruined by symptoms. people started noticing.

i wonder if birds can tell if another bird is odd. like the phrase odd duck. i have to believe that all odd ducks are still very much loved by the other normal ducks. i have to believe that, or i will cry.

i remember my 5th grade teacher holding the curious incident up, dazzled by the language written by someone who is neurotypical. my teacher said: "sometimes i want to cut open their mind to know exactly how autistics are thinking. it's just so different! they must see the world so strangely!" later, at 22, in my education classes, we were taught to say a person with autism or a person on the spectrum or neurodivergent. i actually personally kind of like person-first language - it implies the other person is trying to protect me from myself. i know they had to teach themselves that pattern of speech, is all, and it shows they're at least trying. and i was a person first, even if i wasn't good at it.

plants learn information. they must encode data somehow, but where would they store it? when you cut open a sapling, you cannot find the how they think - if they "think" at all. they learn, but do not think. i want to paint that process - i think it would be mostly purple and blue.

the book was not about me, it was about a young boy. his life was patterned into a different set of categories. he did not cry about the tag on his shirt. i remember reading it and saying to myself: i am wrong, and broken, but it isn't in this way. something else is wrong with me instead. later, in that same person-first education class, my teacher would bring up the curious incident and mention that it is now widely panned as being inaccurate and stereotypical. she frowned and said we might not know how a person with autism thinks, but it is unlikely to be expressed in that way. this book was written with the best intentions by a special-ed teacher, but there's some debate as to if somebody who was on the spectrum would be even able to write something like this.

we might not understand it, but crows and ravens have developed their own language. this is also true of whales, dolphins, and many other species. i do not know how a crow thinks, but we do know they can problem solve. (is "thinking" equal to "problem solving"? or is "thinking" data processing? data management?) i do not know how my dog thinks, either, but we "talk" all the same - i know what he is asking for, even if he only asks once.

i am not a dolphin or reindeer or a dog in the nighttime, but i am an odd duck. in the ugly duckling, she grows up and comes home and is beautiful and finds her soulmate. all that ugliness she experienced lives in downy feathers inside of her, staining everything a muted grey. she is beautiful eventually, though, so she is loved. they do not want to cut her open to see how she thinks.

a while ago i got into an argument with a classmate about that weird sia music video about autism. my classmate said she thought it was good to raise awareness. i told her they should have just hired someone else to do it. she said it's not fair to an autistic person to expect them to be able to handle that kind of a thing.

today i saw a goose, and he was limping. i want to be loved like a flock loves a wounded creature: the phrase taken under a wing. which is to say i have always known i am not normal. desperate, mewling - i want to be loved beyond words.

loved beyond thinking.

#spilled ink #writeblr #personal #please don't ask me to talk on my experience on the spectrum lol. i hate how ppl talk to me about it #i really try not to write so specifically about it #bc inevitably someone talks to me like im a child #i think this is the first time i've ever openly identified with it but i've been hinting for years #i might delete this. feels big.#the thing is that being on the spectrum actually IS a spectrum #and if u say ur autistic #inevitably someone makes an assumption about ur needs/symptoms #please do not treat me differently than u usually would. like.... we can tell when you do #and like i mention. i do appreciate the effort. i do truly appreciate the effort.#but it still feels like...#when i was blind. sometimes people kind of did the same-ish thing.#they'd find out i was blind and start talking really loudly?#and while i KNOW they're just trying to help. it would be like. i'd be trying to find #the right way into a building (sometimes only 1 door is unlocked and i couldn't see the signs posted about where to go)#and ppl would be like ''OH UR BLIND? YES SO THIS IS A DOOR. IT OPENS INTO THE BUILDING. IT IS LOCKED NOW."#''A DOOR CAN BE FOUND IN MANY LOCATIONS.''#and it feels like. when i admit to being autistic #someone comes screeching into my life being like THIS IS A DOOR.

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genderqueerdykes · 1 year

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I'm neurodivergent (ADHD & Autism), and I have mental health issues that can make me a very sensitive person who has a hard time doing things; I've tried explaining this to people but they often still tell me I need to "contribute" by finding a job/going to school to "prove im doing something". It hurts whenever I get told this stuff cause its supposed to be for my benefit but often it makes me feel like I'm not worth anything if im not a "proper adult"? I've gotten this numerous times from family, but I just got a similar talking to from my partner and it fucking sucks not only cause now I feel like I'm on a deadline to fix my relationship but also I don't know if im allowed to feel upset at anyone? Idk many disabled people who are high needs/can't work so I don't know if im being dramatic about my ability or making excuses

hello there, apologies for the delayed reply to this

i just wanted to say from the bottom of my heart i'm very sorry people are telling you these things, especially that you need to "contribute" by getting a job or going to school- that's very shitty thinking and it's not fair to the person it's pushed on. getting a job and going to school don't inherently "contribute" to your local community, your family, and especially YOURSELF. you don't have to "Contribute" to anything but yourself, your needs, and your own life

being a "proper adult" is a social construct that people push that literally doesn't mean anything. i am 30 years old and i have never held down a job for longer than a year, nor have i paid off student debt loans. i have been homeless numerous times because of my illnesses. i have chronic fatigue, hypermobile EDS, arthritis, degenerated discs in my back, schizophrenia, autism, adhd and more and even if people have fewer conditions going on than that, i understand how disabling even 1 neurotype of health problem can be

i have days on end where i don't recover from symptoms, massive flare ups, days where i dislocate limbs, can't sleep, am in so much pain i can't lay down, can't walk, bad sensory overstims, focus issues, migraines, and a lot of other issues. being high needs isn't a "problem", it just means you need help, and every person needs help. abled people fail to understand that every person requires accommodation in one fashion or another.

needing reminder texts is an accommodation. needing bigger font is an accommodation. glasses are an accommodation. needing to be informed of something in advance is an accommodation. only drinking out of certain cups is an accommodation. everyone needs help with something.

if the people in your life are refusing you help, i'm sorry they're failing you. you don't deserve an ultimatum to fix your relationship by a certain date, that is so unfair to you, and that is conditional love- conditional love is not fair and often leaves people feeling very messed up. love should not be held behind barriers, you should not have to perform for love

i hope you're able to get into a better situation soon. people don't understand that disabled people are Disabled and no amount of "contribution to society" will make our disabilities go away. no amount of jobs will make you feel healthier, going to school will not reduce your symptoms. stress only adds to poor health, and you don't deserve to have to go through something just because other people feel you should.

i hope this helps, take care, if you have any more questions feel free to ask, stay safe out there, good luck in your situation.

#asks #answers #disability #autism #adhd

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isa-ghost · 2 years

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The longer I think about it the more I think I'm definitely some degree of autistic but I don't want to Say So and not Know for sure because I feel out of place speaking on autistic issues, and while I don't need to Prove to anyone I'm autistic, the internet just Be Like That and I also want undeniable proof for myself if that makes sense.

But like

Sensory sensitivity, ESPECIALLY with hearing and somewhat to sight. Touch but ONLY around my thighs which makes clothes shopping Really Fucking Inconvenient because god forbid a woman doesn't wear smth that shows off her every curve and sticks to her figure. I absolutely HAVE to have specific hearing conditions (my digital audio needs to sound a specific way), I get anxiety attacks about my sight worsening, I literally cannot STAND jeans or leggings or anything that clings to me from the waist down aside from socks.

Weird not quite apathy but definite emotional Weirdness where I just. Don't feel things intensely or literally can't process things that should evoke specific emotions. I'm really weird about grief and have only cried over losing pets basically. When I was younger (and even present day somewhat) I didn't realize how serious some things like r*pe are

I stim and Might have small tics on occasions or when stressed. But this could definitely be ADHD brand stimming

I was one of those gifted kids that excelled early but now I'm So Over School and want to be DONE with it. I wouldn't call it burnout but I'm definitely not the star student anymore nor did I want anything to do with fancy higher ed programs. I was eligible to skip kindergarten but my parents kept me with kids my age

This isn't a symptom but literally from 1st grade to the end of high school I was always naturally drawn to befriend the "special education" kids and kids who needed assistants to help them out which is kinda. Huh.

I could probably pick out some hyperfixations that might actually be special interests. I'm not actually sure if there's a difference between the two but my brain definitely perceives them as different things

There's days where I FEEL how neurodivergent I am in public. I just stick out So Badly and I don't think I'd feel this if I was just having Ha Ha Ay Dee Ayche Dee moments. I just can't describe this self awareness but I can just Tell I'm not "normal" yknow??

Speaking of, I'm incredibly self aware but also an oblivious dumbfuck at the same time

Occasionally I have a hard time empathizing with people, mostly about things I have 0 sensitivity to like certain triggers or topics

I overshare a lot without meaning to. Which could be an ADHD thing but I know this is another sorta overlappy thing with autism

Certain forms of change make me sick to my stomach and spike my anxiety. Especially if they're changes I have no control over or can't fix. My laptop has to work the way I'm used to, my glasses have to be a certain way (I went INSANE for MONTHS about getting new lenses and having light reflections I couldn't get rid of in them that weren't in my previous ones)

I have that cursed desperation to overexplain and overclarify myself about practically everything, especially to strangers (and online where nobody has decent reading comprehension) I can't tell if this is another ADHD overlap thing, a result of my emotionally abusive father being a bitch, or another red flag that I'm autistic

Sometimes I have auditory processing issues where I cannot for the life of me understand what someone said to me. Sometimes I have to rewatch the entirety of a series of media to understand certain parts I didn't process the first time be it because I didn't connect dots or didn't understand them right

There's probably more things I haven't thought of that might also point to autism but like. This is already quite a list as it is. Oh god.

#personal #idk i feel like this needs a tag????

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honeybeanboo · 3 years

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genshin boys with eating disorders pt. 3

CHARACTERS:

albedo

bennett

chongyun

diluc

kazuha

kaeya

razor

childe

venti ✔

xiao ✔

xingqiu ✔

zhongli ✔

MAJOR TW //

eating disorders

┅ venti ┅

❂ restricting and purging eating disorder

❂ started + time had: during the stormterror crisis - around a year

❂ who knows: traveler

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

the nature of venti's ed is discontent and loneliness

it all started with Signora- and the gnosis, oh his gnosis was what kept it all together, kept him together,,, he remembers watching humans as the breeze and wishing he could be in that body

and when he was finally in that body, he loved it

venti cherishes the human experience, he loves eating and he loves endulging in the human treats and experiences! he never understood why so many women around him, and to be fair a couple of men were so concerned about "gaining weight"

it never made sense to him? he could eat as much as he wanted and keep the same petite young look- until his gnosis was gone

he didn't notice for a while, until a little girl saw him walking by and looked confused. "that doesn't look like the statue? the statue is smaller...?" and it stuck in his head, it wouldn't leave

diluc wondered where he had done when he didn't show up at the tavern, wondered why he had stopped eating much, wondered where he went when he finally came back and ate to his heart's content and then left abruptly

he hates this human body now, he hates how it rolls and shakes - venti pinches it and frowns at how quickly it seems to go from boylike god to big and unwanted -- and it escalates quickly, he cuts off the bar, making the excuse that he wanted to drink less, avoids food and any time anyone offers him food, he smiles brightly and says he had a big meal just before :(

he's alone - alone in the bathroom throwing up the alcohol and dinners, alone on the cliffs, running up and down with tears on his face because only now does he realize how lazy it is to drift on the wind instead of dashing on the ground, he's alone in the Windrise tree- hands bruised and bloody from climbing up through the branches

all the places he thought were peaceful and comforting are now tainted with his trapping thoughts

- traveler heard him, they wouldn't leave his side after the angel's share and he resented that, he felt his panic growing and growing and before he knew it he was shaking,,, crying around the toilet with blood on the seat from his raw throat -- and so the traveler knew

┅ venti ┅

❂ restrictive eating disorder

❂ started + time had: almost out of nowhere, around 5 years

❂ who knows: traveler suspects

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

the nature of xiao's ed is self-hatred and bargaining

he doesn't remember when it started, he only remembers how good it felt to starve, how satisfying it is to kill enemies with an empty stomach- he's quiet and likes it that way

nobody ever knows because he just teleports away, disappears within seconds if anyone gives him so much as a judgmental glance

it's rewarding, almost as much as ridding liyue of his karma, because it's punishment, redemption, right? cleaning both inside and out, depriving himself of food like the nation was reprived,,, it's a balance, right?

xiao travels liyue, visiting caves, stuck in the endless cycle of self-revenge, but he can't die so it doesn't really matter to him

he deserves the pain doesn't he?

since he never really befriended people, it never occurred to him that it could hurt someone else, he never stopped to think how to hide this from a friend- he didn't have a problem, it was just something to rid himself of the unbearable hatred and guilt... so why did terror ignite in his chest at the thought of the traveler knowing

so he does everything and anything to keep them from finding out :( leaving in the middle of conversations, making excuses, turning down gifts, and it hurts his heart more than he thought it would, seeing their smile slowly turn into a sad frown

- he sees it as making himself suffer, a good trade for what he's done, the lives he's taken- bargaining with his own mind

- he doesn't realize he's addicted to the way it feels until he's forced to eat and immediately retreats for days, feeling immense hatred yet again

- he starts to let his guard and demeanor down around the traveler, his only real friend besides zhongli and even that is a stretch

┅ xingqiu ┅

❂ restrictive eating disorder (w/orthorexic tendencies)

❂ started + time had: when he saw a girl writing down her cals in a notebook, around 4 months

❂ who knows: no one

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

the nature of xingqiu's ed is secrecy and recording

it's a bunch of different things that got xingqiu's disorder started, from building pressure from his family, to what he wanted to do, to just his overall bookwormy nature, it seems like a recipe for disaster

and sadly it was, although the last push was by coincidence

a small glance in the library and he was pulled toward this girl, quite thin, writing down something in her notebook and another glance told him that it was meals, portions, nutritional details and he was immediately hooked

it spiraled badly from there, starting small with markings of eating a meal every time he would have it, then starting to notice other people not doing the same, the boy began to feel above them, since he could be precise and small, why couldn't they?

and so he did more, he made charts, he kept a daily track of each small meal, numbers filling up a navy bound journal and his brain every day, it seemed fine, he thought it would be good for his future as well since he wanted to be a hero, wanted to swing his sword with ease

xingqiu is already small so this only grows more concerning to random passerby who whisper to each other, "he's smaller than i remember"

- he carries his notebook everywhere, calling it his poetry archive and when chongyun asks, he doesn't even falter, reciting a poem from thin air

- he's hard on himself when he passes a certain number:(

- recently, he constantly feels dizzy, which he records down as a new symptom of his "mental strength"

┅ zhongli ┅

❂ restrictive eating disorder

❂ started + time had: when he gave away his gnosis, around 8 months

❂ who knows: childe wonders but doesn't think much

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

the nature of zhongli's ed is denial and pride

the geo archon wouldn't seem like the kind of person to deny himself anything right? considering he's also Morax, but when he handed his gnosis over, the man might have dove into human living a little too quickly

hunger and poverty was the main thing that he wanted to experience but it backfired

hunger was part of being human right? and that was what he wanted, so he starved, taking note of how it felt, how his mortal body reacted and he enjoyed it, it felt cleansing

and so he continued, increasing the length of his fasts and resenting the days where he would eat normally, or "ate like a god" as he liked to call it

it's quite convenient when he runs out of mora because there's his excuse easily grasped and childe just laughs it off

he doesn't even realize that this isn't normal, for being so smart, the man doesn't seem to observe how everyone else around him ate-- or maybe he does and simply chooses to fast anyway :(

- admitting it would mean he would have to give up this lifestyle he had begun to become accustomed to

-------------------------

part three! and final part is done hehe

#genshin #genshined #genshineating #eating #cw disordered eating #tw ed thoughts #tw ed #tw eating disoder #eating disorder #tw eating disorders #genshinimpact #venti #xiao #xingqiu #zhongli

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