Rewatching season 6 and I keep thinking about poor Cole having a hard time knowing that he can't hide Jay away from Nadakahn. Like he keeps trying and like you said, Jay kinda just falls through. 😭

Skybound is such a great season and that’s such a painfully good idea gosh. The moment Cole proposes the idea Jay knows it’s not gonna work. Cole has a hard time staying solid for long periods of time for starters and he’s also transparent, so even if he could keep Jay in they’d still be caught. Still...he lets him try. It’s partially out of desperation to escape Nadakahn and partially longing to feel safe and surrounded by Cole in a way he hasn’t been for a long...long time. So Cole tries and he falls out almost immediately. He tries again. And again. And again. Each time managing to hold Jay inside for just a little longer, and each time getting more desperate when he falls back out. Eventually they both have to accept the situation, and honestly, Cole might not have thought it would work any more than Jay did. He was just so desperate to protect his friend the one way he knew how and he couldn’t even do THAT! Oh man the angst potential here is huge gosh. Cole struggled a lot with feeling useless during Possession and I think this scenario might make him start to feel like that again. There might even be some heavy guilt on his part as well considering he and the others hadn’t been the nicest to Jay before he was captured either. And Jay...poor Jay is just...so resigned. He knew getting out so easy was a long shot, but he’d allowed himself to hope nonetheless. Legit this concept is gonna be living rent free in my brain now man I always love me some Skybound angst and this is. Perfect 

Welcome to Our Hell // Charlie Gillespie

IN WHICH: Charlie asks the reader a simple question that leads the man to fall down a rabbit hole of reading. Despite the panic you felt along with your fellow writers you still introduced and helped him navigate the pool of fanfiction.

Warnings: None (it’s actually possible with me??)

Words: 1k

A/N: I couldn’t resist making a tiny blurb about the revelation that Charlie has read fanfiction, that he enjoyed reading it. I actually talked about how Owen and Charlie would react to jatp fanfiction so sorry for manifesting 😬

ALL FICS MENTIONED ARE TAGGED.

TO BE TAGGED SEND AN INBOX/ASK PLEASE!

Masterlist

Your eyes slightly glanced up from your computer to where a certain someone was humming along to an Eagles song. His hips swayed as he slipped the egg in the pan, unaware of your eyes following him. He was entirely in his own world while he left you to finish up what he was led to believe was just school work.

The innate cheerful aura the male gave off regardless of the landscape had always been one of your favourite things about him. He saw the joy and good in things most people tended to overlook. It didn’t matter if he had his guitar in his hands or a cooking tool; he’d shoot that smile that melted your heart.

“Whatcha doin’?” Charlie questioned, peering over the island in the apartment you had rented in the city.

“Just doing some work.” You replied, beginning to type once more with a sudden burst of inspiration. You barely noticed he had slid the egg onto the plate before he was at your side.

“Are you writing for Tumblr?”

That one sentence froze you. Fingers stiffened above the well-loved keyboard of your computer you’d invested a fair amount of money on. Goosebumps swarmed every inch of your skin that suddenly lost a few shades.

Your skittish gaze found purchase in the warm ocean of hazel that bore no judgment, “Did you just say Tumblr? H-how do you know Tumblr Charlie?”

The Canadian hummed in response with a thoughtful expression, “I saw this really cool artwork, and it had a link. I followed it to Tumblr. It’s such a cool site.”

“It’s a hell site.” You deadpanned at the young actor who held no contempt for the different creativity methods unleashed in the fandom. Your e/c irises stayed stuck in a battle of colour with his own eyes.

“If it’s a hell site, why do you go on it?”

“It’s like a car crash or a burning building. It’s horrifying, but you stay to see which outcome ends up winning.” You had to carefully find the words to eloquently describe why you kept returning to a site that was frustrating at times.

“There’s so much diversity from songs, traditional art, poems, dances, covers and now writing. It’s insane.” Charlie chucked as he nudged the plate of breakfast he’d cooked for you, “I’m really digging the ‘90s Lalex books-”

“Fanfics. Fics for short.” You offered the man who held a slight expression of confusion that quickly cleared up, “And the writing has been going on since the series dropped. I’d be rich for every fic that referenced Luke’s aversion to sleeves.”

The boisterous laugh filled the room as Charlie hunched over. His arms wrapped around his midsection.

“Don’t you find it weird that there are fics about you?”

“Weird?” Charlie spoke, scrunching up his nose adorably. His hazel eyes lightened further, “Y/N, I’m not weirded out. I’m honoured that I made enough impact to have people writing about me.”

A small smile broke across your face, “You totally have a secret account, don’t you?”

“No. NO.” The whisper come in the dark of the bedroom where both sides of the couple should be sleeping. You had been before Charlie whined with his phone attached to his hand.

“Baby?” You groaned, turning to find him still invested in the world of fanfiction. His hazel eyes, tear-filled, raised to meet yours, “What are you doing up at-3am?”

“I just finished reading this adorable fic about Willex. The euphoria had me reading the next fic without reading the summary.” Charlie cried to the bedside light you’d turned when his sniffles woke you up. The near distraught man didn’t fight as you gently took his face out of his hand.

“Oh, Char.” You hummed, bringing the brunette into your arms as he mourned whatever was in the fic.

“Luke died with his girlfriend waiting in the Orpheum. She lived and began a life with Bobby..er Trevor.” Charlie whispered against the soft comforter you’d only recently bought, “They never got to say goodbye. As Luke’s portrayer, I just know the double betrayal took him to his knees.”

“Ah, you found @losttinwritings​ ‘See you Again’. That one is a doozy.” You winced, remembering the heartbreaker, “You, however, need sleep.”

Charlie’s eyes quickly met the phone sitting in between you two, “But-”

“Here.” You handed over your own phone after clicking your secondary account, “It’s one of my all-time comfort fics when I’m feeling sad. @dream-a-little-bigger-x​ always nails it out of the park but ‘Love Shack’? Immaculate.”

Charlie’s eyes flickered between the phone in his hand to your eyes twinkling in the albeit shitty lighting the cheap lamp offered. The vulnerability in your eyes at offering your blog took his breath away. This was a place where you were safe in your thoughts with no judgment.

“Oh! And @cherrymaybank​ created ‘A Romantic’. A beautiful story in the eyes of a hopeless romantic Luke and the stoic, independent reader.” You offered with a grin and sigh of happiness, “I’ll have to start tagging you in the ones I adore. Definitely gonna introduce you to @merceret​’s work; it’s always amazing regardless of how long the fic is or the distance between work. I’d wait a thousand years for her.”

Charlie’s lips spread to reveal that smile that always had you falling back in love over and over again. It even eased the panic you felt viewing Charlie’s rather honest confession he put on his Insta story. He’d caused panic within the writing community as he boldly announced his pride, awe, joy and love for all the fandom provided creatively. 

Next thing you knew, you’d started sending each other fics you’d think the other would enjoy; it often ended up with the same fic being sent. Charlie didn’t address the topic publicly to allow the buzz of panic to die down. He also never discovered your personal writing blog either, well, that you knew about.

Sometimes you’d find him sniffling over a story where Luke discovers his girlfriend was unknowingly pregnant and never got to see him child grow up. That one also tore your heart apart and you’d been the one to write it. Just a secret you’d be taking to your grave.

Tag List (PLEASE SEND AN INBOX TO BE ADDED! I CANNOT GUARANTEE YOU WILL BE ON THE LIST VIA POST COMMENTS!)

@safehavenmuse @siennanoelle01 @whiterose291 @mell-bell @blackhood5sos @ficrecsideblog @ifilwtmfc @deadpoolgirl23 @crappy-unicorn @sunsetcurve-h @elioelioeli0 @lovesanimals @popcrone818 @lolychu @deepsleepnat @tenaciousperfectionunknown @aunicornmademedoit @just-a-writer-here @simp4reggie @faithiebrock01 @overlyhypedup @differentsoulrascalsalad @aesthetic-lyss @versaceapa @carleywhittaker @lostgirl219 @itsalexx21 @elllaoo4 @merxxleighann @mediocremunge @fantomlovesjuke4ever @dpaccione @oswin05 @kaylinfayezink @aberette13 @faithie-brock-gillespie01 @eharvey0218 @overlyhypedup @benstormy @auriandthepussicats @sarcasticsagittarius1998 @whothefuckstolemykeds  @siriuswvrld @princessvader15 @xoxbloodreinaxox @heimdoodle @joshy-obx @lovesanimals @oopsiedoopsie23 @am3l1a-24 @flying-solo-without-you @jaskiers-sweetkiss @lostrandomfangirln @must-be-a-weasley-92 @jatp-holland @ilikealotofpeople-younotsomuch @dxlanhxlland @dasexydevitt13 @ifilwtmfc @arianagrandes-things @kinda-really-lost @marinettepotterandplagg @ssprayberrythings @morgandamrose @thedarkqueenofavalon @zukoshonourr @crybabyddl @spooky-season-bitch @kcd15 @morganayennefertyrell @magnet-girl @all-in-fangirl @kinda-really-lost @tenaciousperfectionunknown @badwolf00593 @blowakissbabe @talksoprettyjjx @thesweetestsinner @kaitieskidmore1 @writerinlearning @aiofheavenandhell @sageellsworth05 @link-102 @thesweetestsinner @merceret​ @imsydneywalker​ @sunsetcurvej @nicoledawson5604 @merceret​ @kexrtiz​ @biqherosix @lukewearingbeanies​ @dangersolns @soverignparker

🎉 NEW GAME: Introduce your mutuals to everyone and what do you think of them? 🎉

SLAAYYYYY THIS IS GONNA BE SO LONG !!! yay im excited. n if i miss anyone im so sorry :( but i got most of the moots that i talk to the most !!

@solarchuu tee is my pretty baby!! i love them so so so much. like words can not describe how much i love them. they were one of my first mooties and one of my first few moots that i still talk to after,,, what ?? 5 months ?? I MISSED THEM SO MUCH WHEN THEM WENT ON HIATUS!!! they make me feel so pretty and i love them sm for that pls tee ur so hot kiss me now

@ellesmain ELLE BABY I LOVE U HELLO??? AND I MISS U ALWAYS !!!! god i love her work and just the way she always randomly pops up in my inbox with the sweetest words. shes so nice and i already know shes pretty nd yeah oikawa is so lucky to have her and so am i :,(

@cursedmoonchild ok sandy i know we don’t talk that much but omg when we do, it always makes me smile :,) i love interacting with her please kiss me asap ++ SHE JUST SEEMS LIKE THE TYPE TO GIVE THE BEST HUGS ??? I WANT TO HUG HER.

@joyaphoria joy i know you probably will never see this bc you left tumblr (or on an extremely long hiatus) but it would feel like a crime if i didn’t introduce you. joy :( i love u so much. like you would make me smile every single day with some dumbass suna headcanon ever tho u know i hated them :( but i would do anything to talk to u again,, i hope ur doing ok & i miss u more than you’ll ever know

@silversslut MIA I LOVE THIS PRETTY GIRL!!!! I LOVE OUR RANDOM TALKS AND I LOVE WHEN SHE RANDOMLY SENDS ME THINGS ON INSTAGRAM— THEY MAKE ME LAUGH SO FUCKING HARD AHHEVWVS ! thank u for being my first moot on insta and thank u for not doxxing me :p ++ i hope ur doing okay baby <3

@nekomamiiz IZ MY FUCKING GF IM SO IN LOVE WITH HER FINE ASS !!! PLS DROP UR MAN AND DM ME SO WE CAN MAKEOUT I WOULD TREAT U SO WELL. also i miss her pls come home

@bunbyy HI ALON I LOVE HER YAS SLAY HER ART IS SO GOOD. IF U HAVE TIME PLS MAKE ME MORE I WILL LITERALLY gGET ON MY KNEES AND GIVE U MY ENTIRE LIFE SAVINGS. ILY AND IMYSM

@https-inarizaki RIN MY SPOUSE HI I LOVE THEM AND WHEN THEY RANDOMLY DIE AND COME BACK TO LIFE. i hope ur doing okay, i know you’ve been busy. kissing u and hugging u so hard rn bc i know u hate it <3

@strawberriebunn BUNNNNN I WUV HER SHE DISAPPEARS ALL THE TIME AND IM LIKE WHERE THE FUCK IS BUN AND THEN SHE JUST APPEARS ON MY DASH AND I START CRYING. HIIIII I HOPE UR DOING WELL UR SO AMAZING

@bunny-rei menace to society but i <3 THEM and their random messages of ur webtoons + ur so sexy ahahhshs omf

@yvvji sage. god. they remind me of my favorite song? like i never get tired of talking to them? like? i love them so much? ur love is my drug — kesha is my fave song btw (im kidding but holy shit i love you)

@bokutoism RYU COME HOME IM GOING TO COOK FOR U PLS. im obsessed with them. and will continue to tell them how in love with them i am for the rest of my life. i, to say the least, get so happy when they’re in my inbox. yeah i <3 you.

@sunkeiji SAYUUUUUUUUUU MY PRETTY BABY SHES LITERALLY THE BEST HELLO !?? HER WORK, YES. HER, YES. EVERYTHING SHE DOES MAKES ME SWOON. PLS LET ME HUG U AND KISS U AND PRAISE U FOR BEING PERFECT. yes my bestie <3

@kissyomi DEEEEEE MY BESTFRIEND. MY PERSONAL HYPEMAN. shes gonna get slapped one day 😧 stop calling me a slut or i will end you/ j I LOVE U THO AHHSHA. thank u for caring about me more than everyone else. even tho ur an aries 🤢

@kyoutxni fyn we dont talk that much but hey, just wanted to say i <3 you and every single conversation we have :(

@getoswhore if she ever posts another face reveal, i will kill her /jjjj no but fr the way my eyes popped out of my head??? anyways, hi im sar we’ve been moots for a while but its time for us to fall in love and be gay

@fsrintaro honey, my sweetheart, im so sorry for not following u back for the longest i literally didnt see u followed me. ANYWAYS SHES THe sweETEST MOOT I COULD ASK FOR. kiss me. now.

@saintmanjiro hey she makes me so nervous bc oh my fucking god her writing. im so blessed to be moots with her. on my knees rn thinking about all of her works.

@makkiwhore BEA HI I LOVE HER. THE ABSOLUTE BEST PLS I MISS TALKING TO HER :((( HER THEMES ALWAYS HIT DIFFERENT.

@reitani ok im not exaggerating when i say this but REI ???? is probably one of my favorite accts on this app, why? SHE HAS IT ALL??? theme. talent. and shes a sweetheart. yes. you? i love you.

@melsun MEL MY BABYYYYYY I LOVE HER SO MUCHHHHHHHH OMFG AND YES HER WRITING SLAYS TOO <3 i cant believe i met her on my sfw acct now we only talk on this account LOL anyways, she’s perfect <3

@vryr one of my favorite tokyo revengers blogs. literally turned me into a slut (real) inspired me heavily. i love her and her talent and her messages always make me cheese like a bitch, it’s actually gross. and shes the hottest person whatever im jealous

@izukuskani SWEETEST BABY EVER AND THE WORK ON HER ACCOUNT YESSSSS. shes so pretty and nice too !!! i love her :D

@luvboku i think she’s actually the love of my life. hands down if i had to pick someone to spend the rest of my life with thats not animated, its her. yeah shes got me down BAD. she doesn’t know this but im obsessed with her. oh yeah and her account is beautiful and her works are rlly good !!! and shes pretty so pretty oh my god *drools*

@spoofybun BUN IS ACTUALLY THE FIRST AND ONLY MOOT TO GET MY NUMBER. SHES SO SPECIAL TO ME. I LOVE EVERY CONVERSATION IVE EVER HAD WITH HER AND SHES SO GREAT AND AMAZING YES HER I LOVE HER.

@kisakunt blair where do i begin with them?? ive been moots with them for less than a week, but i love interacting with them sm??? they’re so fucking funny like i laughed at my dashboard for 5 whole minutes bc they’re just that funny. im going to stalk them. ANOTHER ACCT THAT NEVER MISSES WITH THEMES !!! i will be bothering them for the rest of their life now

@miykui AMAZING WRITER ?? LIKE THEY WROTE VIRGIN KAZUTORA SO WELL ??? IM IN AWE ??? like im a slut and its urs and arzu’s fault so thanks a lot guys.

@kireissei peachy, my pretty, we literally became moots earlier this week but like i already am in love with her. she’s and angel, not even kidding, i love when she’s in my inbox!!

@myeternalyearning ZEHHRRRRR AND THEIR THEME !! YASS SLAY. I LOVE TALKING TO THEM TOO!!! VERY FUNNY AND FUN IN GENERAL. they seduce me sometimes too /jjjjjj NO BUT I LOVE THEM AND IM SO HAPPY WE’RE MOOTS

monster [ professor!lupin x hufflepuff!reader]

1/?

intro

y/n l/n, a spectacularly odd, and scared witch, with gifted abilities, is now orphaned upon the murder of her Mother and Father, and has come to live with her Godfather, Rubeus Hagrid. Despite her lack of knowledge, and never being properly trained, Dumbledore feels as though she has a right to be taught, just the same as anyone else/

pairing : professor! lupin x hufflepuff!reader

warnings: age gap, trauma, Orphaned Reader, female pronouns,  insinuation of death and violence, student/teacher relationship.  

- Reader is written as 18 in the timeline, and isn’t underage, there for there’s no reason to get dramatic about the pairing. There is also no insinuation of s*xual relations (only romantic) as I myself am asexual, and that would be taking this type of pairing a bit too far. Secondly, timeline is a little confusing, the reader is infact taking year 3 classes, and you will find out why as you read forward. Anyway, if you don’t enjoy, the content, simply ignore it.

( And if you would like a second part, request. request. request.)

-

The sky begins to darken above as you and Hagrid walked back to the castle grounds from Hogsmeade Village. The air cooling around you, with a whisk of the autumn wind. Your Godfather, leading you through the castle grounds, and around the lake, to where your new home would be. It’s painfully quiet, as the students wouldn’t arrive until tomorrow, not something that neither of you particularly enjoy. The sound of silence. 

“ Yer new home is right around ere” He points as you approach to a painfully small hut. It’s made of old stone, it looks warned down, almost ancient, as if it was going to fall apart.  You’re surprised at the sight, it looking from the outside to be too small for a man of your Godfathers size. Though this was Hogwarts, anything was seemingly possible. “It’s lovely.” You halfly lie, only thankful to have a home to call your own, after everything that’s happened, you still had somewhere to go, only some dream to have just as much, if not less than that. 

It had been years since you had been on these grounds and seen your Godfather. Years since you were meant to go to Hogwarts, and fulfill your magical destiny, but everything had been ruined. Your family gone, your childhood taken away, along with most of your happiest memories. 

He opens the wooden door, revealing a cozy home within. You know you had been here before, long ago, but the memory was gone, any recollection of it belongs to the overwhelming sadness deep within you, the memories of what happened to your parents holding a tight grip  around your heart.  You stood still within the doorway as Hagrid, walked inside. He turned back around, halting the haunting thoughts. 

“ Are yeh comin’ in? Yer lettin’ in a draft!” And with that, your new life began. 

- 

“ So I’m going to be the first there?” You questioned, gathering all you needed, to stay at the dorms. Despite having Hagrid’s to live at, he and Dumbledore suggested it would be useful to stay within a dorm, to gather the real experience of Hogwarts. But you thought it to be a way around telling anybody you were in fact Hagrid’s God Daughter, perhaps they didn’t want anybody thinking oddly of you.

“ Yeh, but it won’t be long before there ere”  You sighed, walking among the front doors.  

Only time could tell when they would be here, and when you would have to be sorted. Flashbacks to your Father and Mother crossed your mind, the two of them being an odd pair of lovers at that, considering the houses they had been sorted into.

Your Mother was a cunning Slytherin, filled with power and a strive for greatness, though despite her temperament, she was the nicest woman some had ever met, she was unnaturally kind for such a reputation, but only to those whom she really could trust, one of the people being your Father. Your Father was just as filled with power as she, only he was more selfless, more brave. A Gryffindor in his truest right. Despite their differences, and the wedge between them of Pureblood and Muggleborn magic, they seemed to defy all odds when together. Truly a mystery. 

-

The great hall was huge, candles floating amongst the numerous house tables, all filled with empty cutlery and plates. Your Father had spoken of this moment numerous of times, what it would look like, how it would happen. But now that you were here, the spark of what once was hope and magic was washed out, dimming the more you thought of it. You couldn’t picture your Father’s smile anymore when thinking of him talking with so much joy, only flashes of horrendous memories, that of a wooded forest, and blood, lots of blood, pooling around your feet. 

You felt a firm hand on your back, causing you to jump to turn around, greeted with the familiar face of Dumbledore, whom had been the person to bring you here, from your parents home. You smiled, warmly at the wise and kind man in front of you, “Excited?” He asked, as the other Professors walked along the middle, going to grab their respective seats before the sorting ceremony and feast. “ Excited, but more nervous if anything Headmaster. “ You chew on the inside of your cheek. You would probably be the only Seventh year to be sorted, the only Seventh year to not be in any of the same classes as the rest of your year. It was all so humiliating, and yet you still had some hope, an ounce of faith and true gratitude that you were even aloud among the school.

“ Nothing to be scared of dear y/n. This is the right place for you.” You couldn’t help to hold your trust within his voice, as you watched him give you another warm smile, before heading to the front table, joining the rest of the staff. 

You stood at the back of the room, awaiting for the first years to arrive last. Not wanting to walk with them, too scared you’d be judged and ridiculed for being the oldest to be sorted. Your parents had bravery, so much of it to spare, and yet you didn’t feel an ounce of bravery, perhaps ever. You weren’t brave now, and you weren’t brave when they had been killed. Perhaps the sorting hat wouldn’t know what to do with you and they would have to throw you out, you thought. You weren’t brave or cunning like your Mother and Father, nor smart like a Ravenclaw. Perhaps a Hufflepuff, but you weren’t overjoyed with happiness, always smiling at everybody either. You felt like you were nothing. The girl who had to sit there, and watch the two people she loved the most die, and just let them, out of fear. Why had you been accepted into Hogwarts if you were simply; 

        nothing. 

-

As everybody settled in to The Great Hall, Dumbledore stood above everyone within the room. Describing how the Sorting Hat would work, and that when You had been sorted, to go to your assigned table. 

“ Now!” He spoke loudly, “ Before we begin with the first years. We have a certain Seventh Year who needs sorting! y/n y/l/n?!” He called out for you, eyes across the hall, looking for whom he must be talking to. He called again and before you could process it fully, you began walking up to the front, and through the crowd of new students.

You sat down with hesitation within the chair, eyes closed as you did so, too scared to look into the eyes of your peers. The hat was lowered upon your head gently. It began to speak to you, as if it had been a person, knowing every little detail within your head. 

“ Interesting, very interesting. You’re a bit confusing aye? Your Mother was a Slytherin, correct? Your Father though.,,.he was a Gryffindor? What an odd pairing.. hmmm... But you... you don’t have these qualities- you’re different. A bit odd, not quite academic, but knowledge lies within your heart. There’s something strong about you- You’re loyal, patient, un-judgemental- you seek no power, only a sense of justice, and of love.. Yes I see it now... HUFFLEPUFF!!!” 

In that moment you couldn’t help but wear a small smile, and open your eyes, watching as the Hufflepuff table greated you with graceful, happy cheers.

-

After the sorting, and after everyone had sat within their respective seats, Dumbledore rose once again to the front, before the feast was to begin.

“Welcome! Welcome to another year at Hogwarts. Now, I'd like to say a few words... before we all become too befuddled by our excellent feast. First, I'm pleased to welcome Professor R.J. Lupin....who's kindly consented to fill the post... of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Good luck, Professor.”

A Professor stood to his feet humbly, barely standing straight, almost being overwhelmed with the clapping the was brought by the mentioning of him. You couldn’t help but to notice, the long scars amongst his face, some of them quite fresh, some scarred so deep, that they would never leave. You couldn’t help but think to yourself whom had hurt him, or specifically what. If he knew anything about The Dark Arts, he must have encountered dangerous things quite often.

He softly bowed, his hands clasped together, before sitting back down within his seat. Your eyes rarely left where he had sat, still pondering within thought.

-

( I hope you enjoyed this first part of this fic! If there’s anything specific you want to see, or perhaps any ideas for this, I’m always open to criticism and creative help! Also request anything you would like within my inbox, I adore requests.)

True Love is a Lie pt. II

Request: Can I please have a part two to “True Love is a Lie”? The first one was so good! Can I have it where it’s been a couple of months and you’re dating Sam and Lucifer comes and asks you to take a walk through the woods while Sam and Dean follow behind, just in case, and you tell him that you’re pregnant with Sam’s child and can you name the child Diana from Wonder Woman and also include the young Diana Prince?

Read Part 1 here!

Word Count: 1892

Warnings: Angst, pregnancy, fluff, cursing, terrible writing, idk what else since it has been too long since I’ve read this, the format got messed up when i posted this from my google docs

Pairing: Sam Winchester x Reader, Past Lucifer x Reader

A/N: I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. Shit has been so crazy the past few months/years but I’ve got my mojo back! It has been so long since I’ve done anything but I am hoping that with this pandemic I can finally post and write all the requests I have been getting, sequels to my other stories, as well as new stuff I’ve been working on. I am still not taking any requests until I have finished those in my inbox. I love you all and I am so happy to be writing again!

A year went by since your last heartwrenching encounter with Lucifer.  You nearly forgot about it because of your new life with Sam.  Sam always made sure to be attentive and by your side at a moment’s notice.  He made you trust in people again after your confrontation with Lucifer.  He knew after that experience you’d be broken, so he made sure to be there to mend the pieces.   

You did not want to dwell in the past and think yourself into a  depressive mood, especially with the Winchester boys and your new best friend, Jack, gone on a hunt.  You would’ve went with them had you not felt so nauseous and tired.  It was a typical salt-n-burn so you weren’t exactly missing out on anything important.  Nevertheless, Sam hated leaving you, especially with Lucifer still out there, but you were safe. 

Just as the thought of the moose enters your mind, your phone buzzes.

Sam: Hey baby girl, we’re on our way back.  Need anything?

You: Just some warm cuddles from my moose. 

You: Actually, I need oranges like right now. Not joking, I feel like I’ll die without oranges.

Sam: Is everything ok? You’ve never asked for oranges and I’ve never even seen you eat oranges since I’ve known you.

You: Yeah I’m fine, just a bit nauseous.  Also I’ve just been having a weird craving for oranges for some reason.  Oh well.

Sam: Hmm, I’m no doctor but maybe you should get checked out.  I worry about you, honey.

You: I know sweetie, but the doctor is expensive. It’s probably just the stomach flu or something.  Btw, how much longer?

Sam: Probably an hour, give or take 15 minutes.

You: Ok, Love you! See you soon!

Sam: Love you too! Can’t wait!

“Ok, so I have about an hour or so to check and see if my suspicions are correct.” You say aloud to yourself.

“What suspicions?” Cas suddenly appears out of nowhere, scaring you half to death.

“What the hell Cas?!” You all but screamed.

“Sorry, I thought you were praying to me.” Cas was never any good at lying to you.

“Umm, no I wasn’t just tell me why are you here?”

“I heard something on angel radio, and I needed to know if it is true.” He places a hand on your stomach.  “So it is true.”

“What? What is wrong with me?”

“(Y/N), your suspicions are right.  You’re six weeks pregnant.”

“How is that possible? Sam and I were so careful! What will he think or say? No, I can’t tell him. Not yet.”

With Sam and Dean still not home, you made Cas get a pregnancy test.  You trusted the angel’s words, but you needed concrete evidence.  You made Cas leave for a few days; you knew for sure that Cas wouldn’t be able to keep the secret.  The plus sign emerged with seconds to spare as Sam’s heavy footsteps could be heard approaching your shared room.

“(Y/N) I’m home!” Sam yelled as he collapsed onto the bed. You run out from the bathroom, pounce on him, and kiss all over his face.

“I missed you, Moose.”

“I missed you too, sweetheart.  I got the oranges you asked for.” 

“Thank you, baby…” You said as you chewed on the inside of your cheek.

“What’s wrong, baby girl?”

“Sam, have you ever thought about having kids?”

“Well yeah of course but… Isn’t it a little dangerous given our profession?”

“Yeah that’s true, but we’ve got out once, we can do it again.  Besides, I know I am safe when I’m with you and when I’m here in the bunker.”

“Enough with the chit chat, we have company.” Dean interrupts 

You and Sam follow Dean to the lighted table, sitting there was God himself, dressed oh so casually and a look of nervousness graced his face.  He twiddled his thumbs and a small smile made its way to his features as his eyes locked with yours.  

“Uh hehe, hey (Y/N), Sam, Dean, Jack.”

“What’s up, Chuck?” You said, holding onto Sam.

“Um, Lucifer asked me to tell you that he’s outside and would like to speak with you.” You grabbed onto Sam a little tighter.  

“I’ll talk to him, but I want Sam and Dean to stay close to me.  Jack should stay behind since it’s his father.”  

“He knows, he said that they could.”

You make your way outside and there he is, dressed in a nice suit and tie with a bouquet of (f/c) (f/f) in his right hand, but one thing was different: you couldn’t see his wings.  Your heart felt like it was going to beat out of your chest, but Sam gave a reassuring squeeze to your hand.  You began walking toward Lucifer, Sam and Dean close behind.  Lucifer handed you the bouquet of flowers and gave a quick peck to your knuckles.  This apparently didn’t sit well with Sam as he cleared his throat with anger. 

“Will you join me for a walk through the woods, (Y/N)?” Lucifer asked and you look to Sam and Dean. “Don’t worry, they can follow behind.”  

You all walk to the edge of the woods in silence, your heart beat faster with every step closer to the treeline.  Through your peripheral vision, you could see Sam clench and unclench his jaw.  He was just as nervous as you were, if not more so.  You and Lucifer finally enter the woods. Sam and Dean follow a minute behind to give you some form of privacy, while still able to barely make out your conversations.  

“First of all, I want to say I’m so sorry for what I did to you.  I should have asked for your permission and talked it through with you.” Lucifer says, breaking the silence.  

“It’s alright I guess. I did some research and I now understand that I would not have survived through labour.  However, that does not justify your actions, what you did really hurt me.”

“I know, and I’m so sorry.  I never meant to hurt my soulmate.”

“Soulmate?”

“Yes, you were my soulmate.  That’s why you were able to see my wings.”

“Then why can’t I see them now?”

“Well, that’s what I wanted to talk about.”  There was a pained expression on his face, you’ve never seen the devil quite like this before.  “I had God make Sam your soulmate after what I had done to you.”

“This isn’t like you Lucifer, why would you do this?”

“I have to prove to you that I will always love you and do what’s best for you, even if it meant letting you go.” He sighed and placed a hand on your stomach. You could hear Dean hold Sam back as he spewed threats if Lucifer were to harm you.  

“Hurt the baby and I will not hesitate to pluck every feather from your wings.”

“I swear on my Father that I will protect yours and Sam’s child. It’s the least I could do to make up for everything.” He said as he kisses your forehead. “Name her Diana.” With that he disappears.

Sam finally breaks away from his brother and runs straight to you. He sees you place a hand protectively over your stomach and smile to it.The words of Lucifer finally make sense to him as he asks “You’re pregnant?”

You shake your head and smile, afraid to say anything.

“I am going to be a father!” Sam shouted with excitement as he picks you up and spins you around.  Tears of joy threaten to spill from both you and Sam as you lock eyes.  As he goes in for a kiss, you both are interrupted by Dean, yelling incoherently and excitedly about him being an uncle. You and Sam look at each other and giggle. It’s not a perfect family, but you can’t live without them.

Time Skip to Wedding Day (3 years later)

You look at your engagement ring then to your flower girl, Diana Prince Winchester, waddling down the aisle leaving flower petals in her wake.  She looked so adorable in her little white dress and you couldn’t help but to tear up.  The audience gasp and awe as they watch your daughter.

The wedding was surprisingly large for a pair of hunters.  Hordes of hunters (friends and some you’ve never seen before), the Winchesters’ monster “friends”, a few angels, and some family came from all over to see you two get married.  With God sponsoring your wedding, you expected something extravagant like a wedding at the Vatican. However, this was not the case.  The ceremony was held in a beautiful meadow that somehow matched your (f/c) wedding theme. The icing on top of the cake was Chuck himself officiating the wedding.  

The wedding march began and Gabriel walks you down the aisle.  Sam couldn't help but let a few tears slip as he watches his two beautiful girls in white.  Dean, the best man, elbows him slightly but he too couldn't help the tears.  Cas, Lucifer, and Jack all smile at you and then to Sam.  They know you two are perfect for each other.  You weren't phased by Sam asking Lucifer to be a groomsman. Besides, it was your idea to have him as Diana's godfather.  You finally reach the altar, and neither of you seem to care about the sniffling and hiccuping. You were finally marrying each other so let the waterworks happen. 

You were hardly paying attention until you hear Chuck say it's time to share your vows.  Sam clears his throat and begins: 

“Y/N, I've known you for as long as I can remember.  We've been fighting side by side since we were little and our dads would go on hunting trips together.  I would always tell myself, that one way or another I will marry this girl and protect her from any and every monsters.  You may have not been my soulmate then, but you are my soulmate now. And as your soulmate, I'm never letting you go.” There was a slight pause and an awkward cough from Lucifer. “I will love you until the end of time.” 

He slips the ring on your finger as you begin:  “I’d never thought I would be standing here with the infamous Sam Winchester, yet here I am with a ring on my finger.  You were my first best friend and my first crush and my first protector.  you’ve saved me from being broken in more ways than one, and for that I owe you my life.  While it is true we were not soulmates before, we are soulmates now and that’s all that matters.  I will love you forever until the end of time.” 

After the expression of the “I Dos,” you hear the words you’ve been dying to hear since you made it to the altar: “You may kiss the bride.” Sam grabs you by the waste and pulls you to him.  With the passion of a thousand suns, he kisses you and everything melts away.  It was just like the first time you two kissed.  

In the back of your mind, you could hear Lucifer whisper “I will always love you” but that didn’t matter to you anymore. You are Sam’s and he is yours.  Nothing will change that.

07/26/2018 HELP 

Hello, fellow followers and other valued individuals who may be reading this. I dislike stooping to ask for help, but I'm currently at a loss. I'll be real with you and try to keep it brief. About a year ago, as you see in this instagram post I hit an extremely low point. I was losing everything. My family had broken apart. I lost my step-father, the one man who finally gave me a father after being abandoned by my biological one very young... and no, he didn't pass away.

The person I trusted with everything, my secrets, my fears, my hopes, and dreams... cheated on my mother after ten years and had been actively cheating on her for several months prior to when my mother found out. My best friend of nine years and our other mutuals abandoned me. They couldn't deal with my disorders anymore (psychotic depression, generalized anxiety disorder). My boyfriend at the time had been supportive as possible, but I knew deep in my heart that my depression was consuming me. I didn't like who I became when depressed... how could I put him through that side of me? I couldn't imagine a life without my family together. It shattered me and the only joy I had left was my daycare job. Even that was hard to hold onto, considering I worked a second job where employees, including myself, were sexually harassed.

August 6th, 2017 my mother and three younger siblings packed up to leave. A friend of my mother's and their family was allowing us to live with them while my mother worked her ass off earning money so we could move out and get away from what toxic environment our home had become. I stayed home and told them I'd make the drive later on my own. I didn't bother making up any excuses and they didn't push me to follow. Part of me was waiting for my stepdad to come back because I knew he would be showing up eventually... well, I was hiding in my room, waiting for him when I heard the door open. I heard him open the front door, then go into his bedroom and leave again. I wanted to call out and beg him to fix what he had done. I wanted him to confess all the wrongful doings he had done by cheating on my mother who loved him so unconditionally. I also wanted to scream at him for ruining what family I finally had in my heart. But, I didn't do any of that. I went out there and he offered to talk. I told him I didn't have anything to say. He left and I assumed he wouldn't come back. I wish he would have stayed and acknowledged the pain in my eyes.

That's when I lost myself. I realized I was home alone, I had alcohol, energy drinks, and my three prescriptions in the kitchen. I went into the bathroom and brought all of that, a hello kitty blanket, notebook, pen, and shut the door. I sat down and started to take the pills, counting as I swallowed them. I took twenty-five antidepressants including 25mg lamictal, 150mg wellbutrin, and 150mg of sertraline. I don't remember how many I took of each, but those were the dosages for each individual pill. As I took the pills, I tried to create a goodbye on the paper. I couldn't focus and my hands were so shaky. I tried to write how sorry I was and how I loved everyone. I ended up getting frustrated and scribbled all over the page. That's when it really set in. I was fucked. I was going to do severe damage to my kidneys or actually die if I stayed there. My mom and siblings were out of town by then. My stepdad was god knows where. I was alone and I was going to die. I didn't want to call an ambulance. I would be alone with strangers, then. So I walked outside, sat on the porch steps and started calling my stepdad. He didn't pick up. I tried over and over and he didn't pick up. I texted him what you see below. He almost hadn't come... which still scares me to think about what would have happened if he hadn't come.

I walked up to the car when he pulled up and got inside. I sat there and stared at the seat with my blanket wrapped around me. I then mumbled for him to take me to the hospital. Through the corner of my eye, I could see he was confused and I felt like he was angry at me... he asked me why and I told him what I had done. He said my name. I felt hopeless. He took me to the hospital and they made me change into a gown while a lady with glasses watched. They took my belongings and the lady laid me down on the bed. She started asking me why I did what I did and what I had done while my stepdad sat in a chair and watched them hook me up to different machines. Everything was so fuzzy to me. I felt like I was in between being alive and dead. My mother was called and she sped over an hour of distance to be by my side. She sat next to my stepdad and maybe this is twisted... but part of me hoped my failed attempt would bring them back together. At least, if I couldn't die... maybe my stepdad would realize how terrible of a decision he had made and would fix his mistake... but that didn't happen. He stayed in the room while they made me drink activated charcoal. Never fucking again... let me tell you. I've never tasted something so foul. Eventually, it made me throw up. The doctors told me I needed to throw up several times before they could do tests on me. Once I had thrown up many times, I fell asleep on and off in that room. When I woke up again, I was told I'd be going in a different hospital room. They moved me and explained I would stay overnight to be monitored. A guy was assigned to monitor me. I felt so uneasy. I couldn't sleep with him constantly staring at me. I  wanted to disappear and every time I tried to pretend he wasn't there my heart rate would rise which only attracted more attention. I was stuck... and at one point, my stepdad and mom weren't in the room. I overheard that they were arguing in the parking lot... my mom came back into the room and confirmed that my stepdad had left to go talk to his girlfriend (who he had cheated on my mom with). My mom was fighting for him to get back in the room... she knew how much it meant to me for him to be there and he ... just... abandoned me for some whore. No different than what my biological father had done to my sister and me as kids.

I am twenty now. A year has nearly passed since that day. I am doing better than I ever imagined I would be. I teach toddlers at a local daycare. I have my first in-person lesbian relationship with someone who really clicks with me. My mom has a new boyfriend who treats her like a literal queen. He even took in my dog since I'm not able to pay the pet fee in our trailer. I am happy with my job and my new girlfriend. My biggest concern is money. While I love my job, I am not paid the best. I drive a 2002 Volkswagen Jetta that I have spent well over 1,000 dollars in repairs since March of 2017. I really need to save for a new vehicle and due to my suicide attempt, am trying to pay off hospital bills. I currently owe $1,571.83. It was over 2,000 dollars but I have been paying when I can to pay it off. I also have to pay for college. I cannot sign up for classes until I pay a 278 dollar fee because I dropped Summer classes due to stress. I could really use the help. On top of that, I pay for other bills and my car is unreliable...

Anything helps and if you are unable to donate and managed to read this far... please take this experience of mine as a reminder. Your life is never worth taking. You should embrace your life. No matter how gloomy things look now, you never know when you'll get a positive plot twist. You ARE capable of living a great life. I believe in every single one of you. My inbox here is always open as well or you may dm me at come_aliv3 on instagram. <3

Link to Paypal.me: paypal.me/SydneySutton

story time! you said you wanted a story in ur inbox so i wrote out on of my favorite little tales i was told as a child but i can't remember it perfectly and also i just wrote this as fast as possible so god knows it needs editing that i'm too lazy to do rn lmao. anyway, here is the story of the happy prince.

there once was a prince who lived within the castle at all times. he ran and played in the gardens day after day, never without a smile. the happy prince loved everything about life and his friends and family. sadly, the happy prince met his demise at the young age of only 10 years old. in memory, the townspeople put up a large statue made of gold on he highest hill in the city. the statue was gorgeous, over 10 feel y'all so it could overlook the entire kingdom with his eyes made of emeralds. he stood leaning with a golden sword with a ruby in the hilt.

one day in late fall, a swallow looked all over the kingdom for her friends. they were supposed to go south for the winter, but they must have left without her! the sun was beginning to fade so she decided it best to rest in the kingdom one more day before beginning her journey to a warmer country. she laid down right in between the happy princes feet, puffed up her feathers, and began to drift off. before long, a drop of water hit her head. she looked up to see clear skies with no clouds anywhere to be seen. another hit her. she flew up to the princes shoulder in order to get a better view. they she saw that they were water drops at all! they were the years of the young prince. "my dear prince! why are you crying?" she cripped. the prince replied "i am the happy prince because i was happy when i was living. i grew up in a castle, never aware of the poverty and sadness the townspeople dealt with. even tough my heart is now many of lead and no longer beats, it still breaks for them." the swallow almost began to cry just at his words. "my prince, i am so sorry!" "i want to help them, but i'm forever stationary here. will you do me a favor?" "of course, but i must be off by sunset." "it won't take long, i promise. i can see a young mother in a small hut through her open window. her face is sunken in and her hair is falling out. her young baby sits, crying with a fever. she had no money for food or medicine. if i do not help, the child will surely die. please, take the ruby from my sword and deliver it to her." without hesitation, the swallow pecked at the ruby until it come out of its place and headed into the city. she found the mother asleep at her working desk and the baby crying to the side of her. she swallow gently placed the ruby next to the woman for her to see when she wakes. the woman awoke soon after the bird had flown away and began weeping tears of joy and thanking the heavens. the prince smiled for the first time since his death. "thank you for helping." he said.

the next morning, the swallow woke up later than usual. "good morning, swallow" said the prince. "good morning, prince" responded the swallow as she stretched her wings, about to take flight. "swallow! oh dear swallow, can't you stay another night?" "i need to migrate to warmer countries. i need to find my family and friends." "far away on the other side of town i see a young man in a small attic, writing furiously. he's an author and he's trying to finish his new book, but he has no wood to burn or food to eat. i want to help him. my eyes are made from emerald. i want you to bring one to him." the swallow relented and stayed one more night o help the starving author. she pecked at his left eye until the gem came out and flew across the city to find the writer. he didn't hear the bird fly in and drop the stone on the table behind him. when he turned, he jumped to his feet with joy, believing it had been given to him from a fan of his writing. the swallow made her way back to the prince.

"i have come to say goodbye." "dear swallow, can't you stay one more night?" "my prince, it is almost winter. i must leave. i will freeze to death if i do not go." "please, swallow, this is one more favor i ask of you. there is a girl. she was sent out by her father to sell matches for money, but she has dropped the matches into a puddle of water and they are now all ruined! her father will beat her and the whole family will go to bed hungry without the profits. please, swallow, take my right eye and bring it to her." the swallow nodded. "i'll stay one more night, but i can not take out your other eye! you won't be able to see!" "it hurts me more to have to sit here and watch the suffering of this city. i don't want to see their sadness anymore. please do as I say. take away my sight." so she did. she flew next to the girl and dropped the emerald into the girls hand. "what a pretty piece of glass! i must show papa!" exclaimed the little girl before she ran out giggling with joy.

The swallow cake back and perched on the princes shoulder once more. "i assume you are leaving now" said the prince. "i've decided to stay here and be your eyes." the prince asked her fly around the town and tell him off of what was happening. she saw homeless people desperately trying to light a fire in an alley way while rich people were throwing a party. she saw the weak faces of starving children. benieth a bridge, sat two boys, curling into each other trying to keep warm. she told all her findings to the prince with a tear in her eye. "i am made of gold. peel me away piece by piece and take it to the poor. people think gold is what makes you happy, but it's not. to be happy is to be healthy and content. the swallow did as she was told until the prince looked week and miserable. the delivered the pieces of gold to all the poor in the kingdom. meanwhile, it had began to snow. every night, the swallow peeled off more and more of the prince and help d those on the streets until there was no more left.

the poor swallow was freezing but she didn't want to leave the prince alone. she loved him. she used the last of her strength to get to the princes shoulder. "good bye, my dear prince." "so you've decided to leave for the warmer countries after all?" the swallow couldn't bring herself to tell him where she was going, so she kissed his cheek and fell on the ground next to him. at the moment, a large crack was hear all around them. it was the lead heart of the prince breaking.

in the morning, the people began to surround the prince in amazement. they saw his weak outlines, no longer strong and reinforced with gold. next, they saw the lifeless bird laying next to him. everyone looked so sad until a voice was heard in the crowd. it was the writer! "i understand now. they sacrificed themselves for us. me for my emerald and you for your gold. they sacrificed themselves for our happiness. so go! be happy! do not let sadness overtake you! don't let them die in vain! they had the two most pure hearts in all the kingdom and forever it shall stay that way."

Play it again, Jack I: A love letter to the mfmm fic writers

“Haven’t you read that story already, Miss Fisher?” “Once is nothing, Jack... and this one makes you come off especially well.”

A month ago, I asked you for recommendations of Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries fanfic -- more specifically stories that you reread, choosing to come back to them again and again, and also saying something of why you come back. I have gotten many wonderful answers, and I will give them back to you in posts over the coming weeks, where I mix the recommendations together. 

Also, please know that you can still send me recommendations. I will keep my inbox open for another couple of weeks -- I know there are many of you that have been meaning to send stuff but haven’t gotten to it yet! Being allowed to hear what people love so much that they reread it is such a wonderful gift, I hope you’ll indulge us! (for how to write me, see the original post.)

But -- there was one answer that was so eloquent and loving that I felt I couldn’t cut it up for the mix. Therefore, I will start this short series by posting that in its entirety. This is what @quiltingmom sent me, and I answered her that it’s like a love letter to the fanfic writers of this fandom, which she agreed it rather is. 

So, now I’ve given you my initial comment and reminder -- the rest of this post is @quiltingmom‘s answer to my question. 

Look at this, Dot. It’s a love letter!

Hi whopooh,

When you issued this request my first thought was oh my goodness, that's practically all of them, but then I started to think about the ones that I have read over and over again. Truly, there are just too many to list. One of my favorite things to do is to go into an author's portfolio and reread all of their works again. We have so many -- so many, truly gifted and talented writers in this fandom that it is an embarrassment of riches -- and makes it so hard to cite everyone. I've decided to limit myself to a few which believe me has been incredibly difficult. The fan fiction milieu of MFMM offers so much variety in storylines, character development, style of writing, and AUs that there is a story for everyone. While I love them all, I think my favorites are the ones that incorporate a beautiful or interesting setting, an intriguing casefic, witty and clever banter, gorgeous wardrobe (I know, I can't help it) and a romance between Jack and Phryne. So trying to follow my own criteria, here's my list: When I first discovered fanfic I don't think I really understood what I stumbled into. Reading “Creatures of Stillness” by @gaslightgallows was life changing for me. I had never read anything like it before and I was hooked and so began my hopeless journey down the rabbit hole of fanfic. This story has Jack showing up in London after a harrowing trip on board a ship to get to Phryne. He shows up disheveled and unshaven and the reunion with her is glorious. Then there's that shaving scene... “That Moment is Now” [only available for registred users of ao3] by @phrynesboudoir/Sassasam. Well anything by Sassasam really, but this is my favorite of hers. It has got everything. Everything. I can't even count how many times I've reread it. Jack and Phryne embark on a two week trip to the Blue Mountains in Sydney because even though she and Jack had been courting she has decided that the moment is now for their romantic coupling. The setting is positively gorgeous, those ice caves, wow, the murder mystery terrific, the banter between the two of them is perfect, clever, funny, witty, sweet -- sigh, the romance and steamy passion is off the charts, oh and yes, her wardrobe is stunning. I think I'm going to go read it again now. “Like the Deserts Miss the Rain” by @flashofthefuse. I love everything she writes, that's why I'm the president of her fan club. She is just so gifted in her storytelling. She's one of my go-tos, her portfolio is amazing and prolific. I could lose myself for a day or week or two in it (not that I'd fess up to it). In this story, Phryne is in London but as they are romancing each other through letters they decide to meet halfway in Columbo and a romantic and thrilling adventure ensues. Phyrne buys a plane and she and Jack travel back to Melbourne via several stops along the way. In Singapore they are pulled into defending a party guest against the charge of murder. This story has it all. I really think this should be made into a movie. Again it's another one that I have read countless times. “A Man in Need” by @jeneenp/Collingwoodgirl. As I told her, I was glad I arrived late to the party because I got to enjoy this story in one sitting. If I had to wait the entire year for her updates I would have pulled my hair out of my head. But I'd have gladly worn a wig for this story. It's delicious because it has all of our favorite co-conspirators working together to unite an estranged inspector and lady detective. The reunion, ensuing murder and investigation, and romance are stellar. That train scene though -- in the window... “Fear Not the Bugle” by @firesign23. I can't even begin to comment properly on the depth, variety, richness of her portfolio of stories. She kinda leaves me speechless -- well except her angsty ones, I can't remain speechless about those, lol. “Fear Not the Bugle” explores Phryne and Jack in an established relationship but when a brutal murder takes place orphaning a traumatized 2 year old named Anthony, their relationship goes into an entirely different direction. It's such a captivating look at the character development of Jack and Phryne given these circumstances.  @omgimsarahtoo, @omgimsarahtoo, sigh. Yet again another author who it is so hard to pick just one of her works that I've read over and over again. She writes steamy passion with such poetic beauty that I'm in awe of her. But sticking with my it's got it all theme, “Coded Expressions” is another one of my absolute favorites. Jack is called away into the Australian outback by one of his war buddies in a mystery surrounding another one of their war buddies just as he and Phryne are about to take their relationship to the next level. She decides she's missing him too much and goes after him. The story, the original characters, the art, and the reunion are to die for.  Taking a departure from the it's got it all theme, another one of my favorites is actually a two-fer by RakishAngle/@afterdinnerminx. “Truth or Dare” followed by “Messengers and Forfeits” starts with a still chaste Phrack and Phryne getting Jack to agree to a game of truth or dare. It is sexy times indeed and a great read. And as this is getting ridiculously long my last three are ones I absolutely adore because they are so fun to read. Light hearted and full of moments that just make you smile or outright laugh, they are the ones I go to when I need to giggle. The first is “Lost in Vegas” which is @ollyjayonline and @221aubrina's hilarious story of a broken Phrack and the cast of characters, based on real life characters, that they meet along the way to their reconciliation. It is a hoot. The next is “Breakfast with Jack and Jane” by @davidandbillie. I love fics with Jane in them and this one is terrific. Phryne is away on a case and this story follows breakfast each morning between Jack and Jane and her attempts to get him to drive her to school. It's funny, sweet, and just so adorable. My last reread recommendation is “Wardlow Whoopie” by @olderbynow. Every time I read this I start giggling uncontrollably. I love her work but this tongue and cheek fic is hysterical. She has another WIP that I absolutely adore but as I don't want to pressure her -- I'll just do it passive aggressively through here -- I'll wait patiently for her to update it.  There are so many, too many more works of a huge variety of authors that I haven't named in this post, but I'll have to stop to not make this too long. I cannot begin to express how many countless hours of joy I've had reading the stories of this amazing group of people dedicated to blessing us with their talent and creativity. I am eternally grateful for finding this fandom and falling into the rabbit hole of MFMM.

Thank you so much for this letter, @quiltingmom!

5 years

5 years ago, I was watching Formula 1 Brazilian Grand Prix, while immediatly blogging about it as well. 5 years ago, Kimi did a thing, and Vettel was crowned World Champion after a crazy lap 1 incident. 5 years ago, that race marked the end of the F1 season. 5 years ago, that race was indirectly responsible for a change in my life.

5 years ago, a Tumblr user called @vulgch started to reblog some of the posts I blogged about that Grand Prix. 5 years ago, I checked out her profile and noted we had quite a few things in common. 5 years ago, I send her a message, noting these things to her. 5 years ago, I got a reply back, and continued to chat. 5 years ago, I met a blogger who would become my best friend. 

5 years ago, a wonderful person entered my life. Noting we share the same birthday, and quickly adding each other on Facebook as well, we started talking through Facebook Messenger. Because hey, Tumblr’s messaging systems back then only consisted of the flawed inbox, and an actual chat system worked much easier in general. Continuing our talking, I grew fond  of her rapidly. The more we talked, the more we figured out we got in common. For the things we didn’t agree on or what only one of us liked, it’s been fun discussing that matter. Logically we had our ups and downs, as common in every friendship. Luckily, the ups were in a large majority. Through all this, she turned into my best friend, the one I could tell everything to, the one I cared so much for, the one I trust the most. 

Logically, we started talking about actually seeing each other since we got along so bloody well. As she was from Brazil, and I from The Netherlands, seeing each other wouldn’t be an easy job. It’s not like we were neighbours. But we were persistent. Our original plan, to have a holiday in 2014 in Brazil at the same time of the World Cup, had to be delayed. So, we settled for a Brazil holiday in 2015.

This holiday should’ve been the crown to our friendship. A meeting which would only bond us even further. A holiday where we would finally meet face-to-face, and partake in activities we would never have been able to do via the internet. A holiday which we weren’t limited to a screen, but were free to do what we pleased. Travelling across the world, on my own, to meet my best friend was the biggest moment in my life. I was happy to finally see the person who meant so much to me. I was a happy man. In my darkest dreams, I couldn’t even imagine a scenario where we wouldn’t bond at all. After all, we’ve got along so well prior to the holiday. We knew each other through and through. We knew our positives, and negatives. What we liked, and didn’t like. What we had in common, and what we didn’t. It all seemed to be fitting. Life, however, has its ways. We were off to a great start in the first few days, in which we did bond more (in my eyes, at least). Being in Brazil, seeing a different lifestyle than what I knew, dealing with the weather, and facing a different culture than my own, it took me a bit to settle in. After all, I was in a foreign country, staying over at the place of my best friend and her family, while still not fluent in Portuguese. I got some of the basics, but far away removed from having actual conversations in Portuguese, which made it difficult to communicate with her parents. They had trouble with English, I had major troubles with Portuguese. Not even after a week into the holiday, things weren’t going that well anymore. It wasn’t obvious at first, but it would be noted later on. We were drifting apart slowly but surely. There were a few factors I later heard caused this (my personality not being too liked by her parents, guess mainly due to the language barrier and not being able to communicate, her not feeling chemistry, not feeling comfortable, and her not being in a great place at that time. I suspect there’s some more to this story than what I have been told. After all, I only heard the surface of the problems, not what caused these feelings), but didn’t knew immediately then. However, it became obvious that my darkest dreams would turn out to be even worse. Instead of growing closer (like we did the first few days, with some proper hugging, and even handing out a cheek kiss, because that’s what’s we wanted), we were I’d say detaching ourselves. Hugs became less frequent, and more quickly. The emotions we put into those hugs disappeared. It felt more like a necessity than joy. We even hung around less and less closely to each other. When it became obvious, I tried to figure it out. With a week left, I’d hope we’d find a fix to what’s causing these issues. However, that talk never happened, as it got shut down before we even could begin. This disconnection became so bad, I even thought of leaving a few days earlier. A holiday which should’ve brought us even closer together was turning out to be a nightmare on that part. Despite having such a great time there, enjoying myself a lot seeing beautiful places and cities, having a taste at the Brazilian life, it didn’t turn out to be the holiday I hoped for. The main reason for my visit to Brazil, my best friend, estranged herself from me. And what I tried during that holiday, it wasn’t good enough to talk it out. The thought of getting things back on track again, the hope that we would end on a high note, kept me from leaving earlier. I wanted our friendship to be fixed. I wanted our holiday to end on a good, and fun note. But unfortunately, that didn’t happen. After three weeks, and with many mixed emotions, I boarded my plane and returned home.

When home again, it became painfully obvious this holiday did more damage than good. And that damage was plenty. After a few weeks of trying to figure out what was wrong, I got blocked on both Facebook and Twitter, while an unfollow on Tumblr was in order. Only during our birthday, and new years, she was willing to let her hear something from her side. Messages through WhatsApp, where she hadn’t blocked me, were usually ignored. After nearly a year, in 2016, she would finally reply me, unblock me from Twitter, and giving me more info about the whole situation.

That started an on-and-off period. Usually it took weeks before getting a reply, but I felt we were getting somewhere. At least we talked again, which was a big relief to me. I got a bit more info, which was a help, but not enough to close this chapter for me. During the course of the year, I tried to get our broken friendship back where it was, while also trying to get her side of the story on that holiday. Fast forward a year, and I was still left wondering. If I were to move forward from what happened, I would need my answers. So, I decided to write it down in a message. All my questions, all my emotions, I put that into a Wall of Text message. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I had to write it down and send it, as this whole situation was affecting me too much. I calculated this would be it. A do or die message. If she were to reply, we might actively work our way to create a mutual understanding of what went wrong, and how we could fix it. We could move forward. If she were to ignore it, we would lose everything we once created, and remain in the situation we were currently in. A new block, this time even on WhatsApp, confirmed she picked the latter. I was left in many broken pieces. Half a year later, and the situation has not changed one single bit.

I try my best to uncover what went wrong. I try my best to think about how this came to be. I try my best to make sense of everything what happened, what could’ve happened, and what might set this all of. I try my best to reconnect with each other. The problem is, there’s just so many scenario’s, while I have so little information. I can’t make any sense of the situation, as I could never string it together. The only who could help me out, is not willing to reveal everything. A few glimpses is all I got, but I was left with many unanswered questions, and an additional bunch due to what I was told. Time and time again, I tried to uncover the info I would need. Time and time again, I didn’t get it.

5 years ago, I met someone incredible. Unfortunately, it didn’t last. But my hope remains, that one day we might reconnect again, we might get back to where we left off, and that we might grow even closer. This chance gets slimmer each day, and looking at it realistically, it’ll not happen. However, I like to be an optimist from time to time. I would like nothing more than you have her back in my life. I could only hope she’ll read this. In hopes of talking to each other again. 

5 years ago, contacting Sarah started a chain reaction which caused some of the best moments in my life, yet also some of the most painful. I wish, so much, that we could start a second chain of best moments and memories. On that note, it’s time to put an end to this post. To Sarah: To what was. To what could have been. To what might be. A happy 5 years of knowing each other, Sarah, wherever you are. I still care for you, and I still miss you dearly.

what are your favorite EVERRRRR football fics?

The first thing I did when I saw this in my inbox was zip over to my handy dandy excel doc of fics I like and filter for football rpf.

WOW, okay self. So I scrolled through and opened up the ones I remembered particularly adoring, trying to be selective and

…alright then.

So what you see here is a list, painstakingly teased out and compiled and highly angsted over! There are so many excellent fics out there, goddamn. These are the ones that I return to over and over, and I also tried to get a good cross-section of some of my favourite pairings, because honestly I have 43 gerlonso fics alone to choose from and wanted to get a wider selection. (Also hey, my excellent followers! Please add what fics I’ve forgotten/whack me over the head with a newspaper for leaving out your faves.)

As Far As You and Me Go - distira: Pep Guardiola/José MourinhoFULL DISCLOSURE: I AM SO WEAK FOR THIS ~NARRATIVE IT IS EMBARRASSING. It’s so trope-y it could have been scripted for television. And this is, imo, the best fic out there for them, and a brilliant read besides. Even if you’re not into the pairing I can’t recommend it enough, as by nature of the ship it’s sort of the opposite of a getting-together story. (Also Sharon refused to read it for ages and ages bc ew, Mou, but I broke her down and she agreed it was good SO THERE.) The slow collapse of their relationship, the underlying nastiness on both sides, the scheming, conniving…this is the perfect example of ‘like a trainwreck; it’s terrible but you cannot look away’. You just have to keep on reading in a sort of fascinated horror as they go about carving their way through to their various victories, and at the end it’s impossible to be sure that they’ve even lost anything of value. If someone asked me to explain José Mourinho to them, I would probably give them Jonathan Wilson’s excellent article in the actual, real life Guardian, and this fic. SERIOUS BUSINESS. 

Being Young and Famous is Not a Consolation Prize - synaesthetical: Thomas MüllerA lot of these fics are Spain/England-based, but do not be fooled. On my deathbed, when my family is gathered around my withered corpse, weeping as I slowly fade from this life, one of my favoured great-grandchildren will ask, ‘Sabina, did you lead a happy life? What was your finest moment?’ And I will gaze up at the ceiling through my cataracts and say, smiling with true joy, ‘Yes, my life was fulfilled. Germany won the World Cup in 2014.’ AND THEN I WILL DIE. This particular fic is not about 2014, it is about 2010, but the point stands. If you love Germany NT, or feel, y’know, not hatred towards them, then please read it because it captures so wonderfully the tone of that tournament and that squad. Old enough to know better, but young enough to have a second chance when the time comes. This is one of those fics that I think really exemplifies not only a good story, but a good piece of football writing as well. That World Cup feeling, deliriously, dangerously happy, and at the same time how deadly serious this is. How deadly serious football is. It’s light, lovely writing, and it hits hard. 

eDisharmony - ascience: Benedikt Höwedes/Mats HummelsI’m not even going to pretend like this fic doesn’t hold the massive cool award of being the fic that inspired me to get back into writing. I gotta love myself, yknow! It’d been five-ish years since I’d written any fic of substance (I think I only posted about 4,000 words in total in that time) and then wham, I read this fic, fell entirely in love, and decided to jump on the train. And just so you know I’m not entirely biased, I reread it like a week ago and yes, it’s still hilarious, 10/10 would restart my fic career again. The dialogue and the pacing bounce along so gleefully in this story, you really have to be eating popcorn while reading. There’s a wonderfully joyful irreverence and so many shenanigans. Sooo many shenanigans. The style of the humour is also just infectious. It’s fun, there’s no better way to say it. This is a fun fic. It also has the added pleasure of reminding me just why I love/hate forums. Ohhh forums. Bring back forums! I’ve lurked on ONTD-F too long to ever properly participate and r/soccer is full of manchildren. 

Filling Up the Space - luxover: Xabi Alonso/Steven GerrardThis isn’t exactly what you would think of as ‘traditional’ gerlonso (and forreal, it’s such an Institution by this point that it’s practically spawned its own subgenres. That’s when you know a pairing has really made it.) and so it’s always stuck out to me. It’s mean, in a way that this pairing usually isn’t, and I find it absolutely fascinating. I also love this Steven; a bit harsher, a bit harder, a bit more destructive than usually shows up in fic. I mention it later down this list in a different rec but fic!Stevie has a tendency to become a bit soppy, and this is a man who would kill for his club, grim but determined. This is a divorce fic, more or less, and the way that it pulls all the threads apart to show why they were woven together in the first place is…I don’t want to say chilling, because that makes it sound like a horror story or something, but it definitely gives you pause. Idk, I just really appreciate it. (By the way it does have a happy ending, if a lack thereof would have turned you off. On the other hand, if you’ve been jaded to gerlonso and are just sick to the teeth of them, this might be the thing to draw you back in! Incredibly compelling read.)

Good Timing - Ferritin4: Xabi Alonso/Steven GerrardI couldn’t even tell you how many times I’ve read this fic. I love future fic, love love looove it, and this is possiblymaybedefinitely my favourite of the genre. Xabi is managing Real Madrid and Stevie is a pundit and it is glorious. Their voices are so perfectly written, it’s the kind of fic where I have to set aside twice as long to read it as I usually would, because I inevitably end up reading and rereading almost every line, just to really savour the dialogue and the pacing. And the pining! Oh, the pining. Stevie and Xabi are so perfectly characterised, and in such generous characters. That’s really the only way I can think to describe them. Generous. The fic is warm and funny, and so comfortable. You can really tell that they’ve been friends for decades, and how deeply important that friendship has been to both of them. Also did I mention the pining? Oh god, the pining. It is delicious. 

look back in anger - neyvenger: Jamie Carragher/Gary NevilleIf you like rivalshipping and you haven’t read any Carraville fics, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING. I don’t care if you’re only vaguely, guiltily fond of Liverpool and still haven’t forgiven Manchester United for doing All That Winning in the most formative years of your footballing life, filling you with the kind of simmering rage that probably won’t go away until you die. (What, talking from experience? Nah m8, this is a hypothetical. Haha. Hah. sigh) I don’t care!! It’s a great pairing that managed to escape the boundaries of being a crack ship and has somehow strayed dangerously close to being the best ship in the business! And if you like Carraville and haven’t read this fic, THEN I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU UNTIL YOU SIT YOURSELF DOWN AND READ IT. There’s time-travel! There’s enemies-to-friends-to-enemies-to-friends! Bb!Carra putting in tackles! At one point David Beckham is described as having “the air of a lazy cat”, which made my deep and enduring crush on said David Beckham cry out for mercy. THIS FIC HAS EVERYTHING.

Sandbox - scheherazade: Michael Ballack/Alexi LalasDo you like nonsense? Do you like obnoxious Americans? Do you like obnoxious Germans? How about a lot of insufferability on both sides, a whole lot of pigtail pulling, and people being Wrong in football analysis? Then this pairing is for you! Micha was my first football crush and I will forever thank whoever decided that he would make a good analysis partner for Alexi Lalas. There’s something so great about that footage from 2012, whenever Alexi says something and you can actually witness the incredulity in Michael’s face as he prepares to utterly and irrefutably shoot down whatever ridiculous statement he’s just heard. God bless! I just love these confrontational ships. They deserve a mountain of fic but with ones as good as this, I’m satisfied. They dance the line between dickiness and idiocy with such delight, you almost find yourself rooting against them because they probably don’t deserve it, even if good-hearted golden retriever Taylor Twellman is pulling for those crazy kids. This is a funny fic, and they’re such a wonderful odd couple, but if you’re like me and are consistently being emotionally tortured by the 2006 World Cup/Euro 2008/Michael Ballack’s general life and career, then you will also appreciate the underlying disappointment of a man behind a desk when he just wants to be out on the grass. 

Supertyp - imkerin: Pep Guardiola/Philipp LahmLAUGHS WILDLY INTO THE VOID OHHHH MY GOD this fic exposed me for the wreck of human being that I am, because I seriously seriously did not mean to ship this beyond like, a thought experiment, and then this fic happened and I was forced to come to terms with the fact that wow, I am All About This. Pep and Philipp’s mutual appreciation society finds its beginnings, Pep is exploratory, Philipp is cautious, José Mourinho is a ruinous individual who knows just when and where to twist the knife, I am fired into the sun by the United Nations for being entirely not okay. I was vaguely keeping it together until this fic. And so naturally, I reread it like, every other week. Every word is perfectly placed and every exchange is shoot to kill. The characters in this fic don’t do anything out of the ordinary for their jobs, but you get the sense that if they were in politics or poisons they would be frightening. 

they were a long hallway - madanach: Bastian Schweinsteiger/Lukas PodolskiTen years for this shit, man. Schweinski is one of those long-term, rock solid ships that you can rely on to like, have made you dinner when you get home from a twelve hour shift and pour you a fourth glass of wine without asking if you’ve maybe had too much. It’s always gonna be there, even though they’ve had their shaky moments. Despite those shaky moments and a lot of awkward growing up, it’s also a ship that can somehow seem easy. It can somehow seem like they don’t have to work for it. This fic has them work for it. There’s messiness and idiocy and some amazing fun times and some shitty low times. This fic is like the Bildungsroman for schweinski. It’s not clear-cut and it’s not straightforward: in life you get all tangled up and are sometimes tempted to just chop your way out, Gordian Knot-style, but you just can’t do that, y’know? This fic does such a good job with the tangling and the untangling, I feel like it validates a lot of the nonsense I got into in my Youth. Even though I’ll probably never win the World Cup as payoff, but still.

This Bitch of a Country - Rave: Xabi Alonso/Steven Gerrard[quiet wailing noise] nnngnggjhgn okay I said I was going to try and mix up the ships in this list but look!! look. Gerlonso is like, the ultimate holy fucking grail and there’re simply too many good fics not to throw more than one in here. Also it would be a crime not to include this one, which manages to be hilarious and heartbreaking, comforting and cruel, all at once. There’s something about mid-2000s Liverpool that will never fail to make my breath catch, this sort of tragic magnificence that achieved so goddamn much and yet…and yet. (Read this fantastic article from gone-too-soon Grantland, because this fic understands that atmosphere. Also I blame Thierry Henry entirely for validating my soft spot for this club. He set such a precedent!) There’s familiarity here, and anger, and the sort of hopeless love that makes you want to weep your goddamn eyes out. This fic manages to show the hurt on both sides without woobifying anyone out of recognition (and look…I love a good woobie as much as the next person but sometimes gerlonso gets skewed a bit too much in one direction or the other, with Stevie either being a helpless weepy ruin or Xabi being run out of everyone’s hearts on a rail, which can be great if you’re in the mood but a little bit of perspective is nice. And this fic has perspective in fucking droves.) 

tripas y corazón - Hyb: Iker Casillas/Sergio RamosThis fic will have you on the fucking floor. One of the inspirations behind football fic is, of course, the personalities and the relationships: who are these people, how do they interact, what ties them together. But another aspect is of course the clubs. Some of the best football fics are the ones that can really dig into the clubs, which are really sort of nebulous entities defined mostly by the players and the supporters. This fic uses the entity of Real Madrid to devastating effect. It’s a seriker fic, but it’s also very much a fic about the love affair between Iker and Real, and how thorny and complicated such a love affair can be. (Do you ever cry your eyes out about Iker Casillas? Do you ever wish you could throw yourself into a volcano as a sacrifice to make his life easier and happier? JOIN ME TODAY!) There’s something about the prose that brings everything out into a kind of harsh definition. As you read, you think that you can see what’s happening but then it does happen, and you feel winded, somehow. Blindsided. As a bonus, there’s also a cryptic and unhelpful Xabi cameo, in utterly classic style. Read and enjoy, read and die slowly inside because your life is a mess and you never even really supported  Real Madrid what has happened!!!!! here!!!!!!

und wenn ein lied - scheherazade: Philipp Lahm, Bastian Schweinsteiger, genThis is a difficult fic, okay. It’s not a nice fic, I guess, definitely not a happy fic, and it’s a tricky subject. It’s hosted on lj but if it had been written yesterday on AO3 there would be a lot of warning tags. Essentially it deals with homophobia in the sport, and whether or not players should come out or not. It’s a serious story and more than a little bit heartbreaking, but it’s a brilliant read and I can’t recommend it highly enough. Maybe I’m a little bit biased, because I love Fips and this fic can be seen as a kind of vindication for some disagreeable comments he made back in 2011 that got the fandom all a-spinning and it was generally not a great time. (On a side note, it is really interesting to read today and see just how much these politics have changed in the past- oh, fuck me, six years? Jesus I feel old) So definitely a huge YMMV warning on this one, but it remains one of my favourites. It’s beautifully written and really delves into various characters and the tightropes that they walk.

vainglory - anemoi: Raúl González/José María GutiérrezI blame two culprits for my complicated Thing with Real Madrid. The first is Iker Casillas and his unfairly beautiful face/hands, and the second is this fic. Because it’s fine to have a long-lasting crush on a player, but when you start delving into a club’s legends and becoming invested in the story lines? Then, my friend, you have a problem. There’s something gloriously sparse about the prose of this fic. It’s like a thin jacket in late fall that isn’t quite keeping you warm, so you just have to pull it tighter around yourself even though you keep shivering. There are so many descriptive passages that make you shudder: orange streetlights, oranges from a cart on the streets. There’s a sense of desperation in the bones of this fic, which is so stark against the backdrop of the club and the responsibility placed on the captain and vice-captain. Strength on the pitch contrasted with open vulnerability in quieter, more private moments. Breath-taking and just- ugh. This one really made an impact on me, and is always going to be one of my favourite Raúl/Guti stories amid a multitude of excellence. 

….

good grief, I know I’ve forgotten so many (and will in all probability wake up in the middle of night tonight in abject horror because how could I have forgotten such-and-such fic! And so-and-so!) but here you go, thirteen fics that I love and adore. All of these authors, too, have incredible oeuvres that are worth checking out! I could talk forever about fic and honestly, come ramble with me because yayy literary criticism! and also crying about footballers! etc etc

If you’ve read this far, I commend you. Thanks for the opportunity to talk your ear off!

Songblog #002: ’What’s The Matter Kevin Jones?’

Listen here:

https://soundcloud.com/adamwalton/05-whats-the-matter-kevin-1?in=adamwalton/sets/manbuoy-lp

Introduction:

The motivation for these blogs is explained (lengthily!) in a previous post. 

Here’s a link: https://theimmediateband.tumblr.com/post/164677483215/songblog-001-no-shortcuts

‘What’s The Matter Kevin Jones?’ is the lead song from my band’s Mold EP (rel. March 2017). It’s our most successful release so far (which is a bit of a euphemistic use of the word ‘successful’), and it’s the song I’m proudest of. The venerable Tom Robinson (6Music) played it a few times, opening his Saturday night show with it (a great privilege… I know how much time I spend mulling over opening songs for my radio show!)

I can’t recommend highly enough Tom’s 6Music radio shows, his Fresh On The Net repository of information and guidance for new music-makers, and - particular to this blog - the democratic way his BBC Introducing Mixtape works. Please consider using it (look for the ‘Inbox’ link in the top right hand corner of the page. As I’m writing this, it’s shut until 4th September 2017.)

My respect for Tom, and my boundless positivity towards his programmes, has very little to do with him playing our music, honestly, truthfully, swear on all of my favourite FX pedals.
 This is what Tom said about the song. 
“… a great tune, great playing, wild spiky guitar, odd lyrics, a light sprinkling of anarchic menace and the perfect pop radio length.”

He nailed it.

The Writing:

If you could see me now, sat here in my kitchen, typing away narcissistically at my keyboard with a sinkful of washing-up that’s probably more in need of my attention, and a lawn that looks like a botanical experiment in what might happen if grass is allowed to go rogue, you’d notice I’m blushing, squirming uncomfortably in my chair. You see, here I am expounding my philosophies on songwriting when I’ve never paid much attention to other people’s philosophies on songwriting.

When I was much younger, I devoured music biographies and - particularly - autobiographies, in search of a Holy Grail of inspiration, some insight into what made the geniuses, geniuses. I didn’t find anything. Sometimes John helped Paul, or Paul helped John; or Brian moved a sandpit into the studio; or Ray felt a bit sad; or Janis drank like a demonic funnel, and then screamed it all out. The books told me very little, and what little they told me 20 / 30 years ago I have long forgotten.

Maybe all of this fuss, this sharing of ‘wisdom’ on the subject, is hot air, or a smokescreen, depending on how you like your over-excited gases. Maybe my writing like this, or reading those books, was a form of denial. Perhaps the great songwriters don’t have to mull these things over. Perhaps they are just gifted from birth, and no amount of reading or writing or pontificating will bring us any closer to them.

Well, you know, what I have learnt since the band re-formed and I started writing again is that it’s really, really OK to not be a genius. The joy, satisfaction and fun I’ve had out of music since March 2016 have made me a much happier man. Previously, and without really noticing, I had been sad for a long time. Making music makes me happy and is a great way to recycle that sadness into bittersweet tunes; not catharsis so much as therapy to a minor 7th.

I imagine that other people write for a multitude of reasons: desperation; the aforementioned catharsis; a desire for acclaim or recognition; to communicate; to bring something beautiful into the world; to speak, and release, otherwise unspeakable pain; to win someone’s heart, or to get fucked; to impress; to fill the void with something better than reality TV; because they like a nice tune and want to give the world more nice tunes… there is a multitude of reasons, all incredibly valid.

I wrote this song to fill a gap.

We had reformed with a determination to write new songs, and to not rely on songs we wrote two decades’ previously. And that had gone surprisingly well. However, once we started to gig, we realised that the set was all a bit one-paced. I see live sets like I see albums, or DJ sets, or playlists for my radio shows. They all have to have some kind of narrative to them… peaks / troughs / beginnings / ends… all bloody obvious, when you think about it.

We needed something heavy; something that didn’t sound like a Teenage Fanclub c-side.

Once I knew what I thought we needed, my subconscious started to ferment. This was well away from any instruments. Having a shower, somewhere in my brain is thinking that something a little early REM would be good. Autopiloting through the washing up, a little bit of Pixies comes into the equation; partway through a Mario Kart 8 session, I spin off Rainbow Road: yearning Wire, as opposed to spiky Wire (‘Outdoor Miner’-say) has also become part of the amorphous sound scape in my soul.

Yes, that’s right…  the amorphous sound scape in my soul.

I don’t know how else to describe it, really… a shopping list of feelings, textures and sounds that I want this next song to be, but this is music and I’d rather be ridiculed for calling it the amorphous sound scape in my soul than think of it in terms of a shopping list.

Still I hadn’t bothered picking up the guitar. By the time I did, little planets were forming out of the swirling gases in the amorphous sound scape in my soul. Those planets were in E minor.

I knew I wanted to write a song about my hometown, Mold. I know how conflicted I feel about Mold. It felt like a dead-end when we were younger. Somewhere stultifying and inward-looking. We had one nightclub that shut down - permanently - after a few acts of unspeakable violence; McDonalds didn’t arrive until the mid 2000’s. Wetherspoons arrived either soon before, or soon after… they’re not exactly important historical facts, just indicators.

When I think about Mold, I think about weekend nights there, having great fun with my friends who came from nice, middle class homes in the surrounding villages, or on the nice estates of Bryn Coch and Parc Hendy. I think about how most of those nights would end running a gauntlet of fear just to get home in one piece. How we’d want to get to the chippy before The Dolphin kicked out because once The Dolphin kicked out, someone would get a kicking, or a glassing, or butted, or end up in the back of a Black Maria, trapped with the very kids they were trying to escape.

I think about my time at the Alun School, and I think about the kids in my form class who smelt of piss and stale fags, and whose uniforms looked shabby, even on the first day of school, back in 1982.

I remember how I couldn’t understand why they wanted to punch me, or my friends; why they’d explode into white hot violence on a whim; why I spent 5 years either hiding from the bastards, or fighting them.

I think about what I’ve heard about what happened to those kids since we left school. About the shitty jobs, the drug / drink-related deaths, the despair and complete lack of hope, and I now - finally - understand why they hated us, back then.

And holding all of these memories in my head, passing them through the amorphous sound scape in my soul, this song eventually took shape.

I had one kid in mind, writing the song. I couldn’t name him (I didn’t know anyone called ‘Kevin Jones’). And the ending is a melodramatic exaggeration, for the sake of the song. The kid I was thinking about didn’t die, or at least hasn’t yet, to the best of my knowledge. A few others did, though. So he came to represent them.

Musically-speaking, there had been a chord sequence lurking around the shadows of my musical id since I was 11 years old. Back then, and this will go some way to explaining why those kids wanted to punch me, I played classical guitar and my hero was John Williams. When John Williams wasn’t playing solo, or duetting with Julian Bream, he was in the uncoolest band the universe has ever seen. Seriously, John and his bandmates made 11 year old me look like Iggy Pop. They had a piece on their album - Sky 2 - called ‘Vivaldi’. I taught myself the intro. And its patterns worked their way into my vocabulary. I subsequently tried to use that sequence of intervals (it’s not really a chord sequence, as such) in the first incarnation of the band, and in a solo piece I wrote. For whatever reason, it surfaced again, now; maybe a subconscious nod to my uncoolness and prime bullyability, and those vague thoughts of REM, Wire and Pixies, shaped it, reasonably effortlessly, into the final song.

I was also hugely inspired by Roy Orbison’s ‘In Dreams’. It’s a song with a non-standard structure, and no repetition.

Finally, I feel it’s important to state that the influences that I mentioned - early REM and Wire, particularly - were only senses of those bands, really. I couldn’t sing you a single, early REM song; and the only Wire album I’m entirely au fait with is Chairs Missing. I’m an unashamed dilettante, in this respect. I don’t know if this makes me a shallow wanker. I think that as writers we’re free to take as much or as little influence as we want, from whoever we want. The more shallowly we steal, the less obvious it is and the more likelihood there is of our bits being predominant. And that - us, as a band, shining through the most - is very important to me.

I could sing you the entire Pixies back catalogue, though.

Very very badly.

The Tools:

Fender FSR Classic Player 60’s Strat Vox AC15C1X amplifier Strymon Riverside Electro Harmonix Big Muff Pi

Lyrics:

I thought we could be anything, If we followed every rule. But Quadrophenia at 12, Was your bible and your school. We all knew… Said we knew…

I found me in the library, You terrorised the underpass. The flying fists of Mold’s Bruce Lee, There was a fag burn on your hands. From your mam… From your mam…

What’s the matter Kevin Jones? Did you ever have a chance? Your dad would fight the chippy kids Pissed up every Friday night

What’s the matter Kevin Jones? Your fingers stank of stolen fags, I used to dream of hurting you But you took that out my hands.

TV is blaring. Is anyone in? Your dog starts howling. Neighbours complaining. Police are called in. The door is smashed in. You stare at the ceiling, Forever at the ceiling…

Influences: (click to hear songs.)

Sky - ‘Vivaldi’ Wire - ‘Outdoor Miner’ Pixies - ‘Gouge Away’ Roy Orbison - ‘In Dreams’ REM - ‘Strange’ (yes, a Wire cover!)

Recording:

We recorded this with the truly excellent Russ Hayes at Orange Sound Studios in Penmaenmawr. As with all of our recordings with Russ, the main guitar line / the drums and the bass were all recorded playing in the big live room at his studio.

We love Russ so much, we’d write a song - barely rehearse it - and then bring it into the studio to record it almost (if you’ll pardon the terrible pun) immediately. Our enthusiasm to work with Russ and our curiosity overwhelmed any common sense.

Our next studio recordings will be of songs we’ve rehearsed and played, many times, so that we know their peaks and troughs, and where we can deviate and embellish the obvious lines.

The guitar solo is played with a bottleneck. Sadly I don’t have time - live - to pick a bottleneck up, and the main guitar line requires all four fingers, so I play a different solo when we’re gigging.

Purchase:

A ltd. edition CD featuring ‘What’s The Matter Kevin Jones?’ is available from our bandcamp page:

https://theimmediate.bandcamp.com/album/mold-e-p

The EP is also available to purchase digitally on bandcamp, iTunes and to stream on Spotify.