#also like. this isn't to say i do have chronic pain it could be something easily solved
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for the character meme: dulcie or cam or pal or a character of ur choosing!!! hehe
!!!!! ty lem!! im gonna do my girl dulcie...
favorite thing about them: honestly just the way she's written- it never fails to make me emotional that she *is* explicitly written as being brave and strong, but tamsyn neatly sidesteps the "inspiration porn" ableist stereotype of writing a character as being brave/strong *because* they are sick. dulcie isn't brave or strong because of her illness. her strength and bravery are explicitly positioned, IMO, as being in response to surviving *ableism* and other people's condescension towards her and mistreatment of her, rather than surviving her illness itself, if that makes sense. her health is just a fact of her life, it's not moralized. which i really, really appreciate. it's a small shift, but it's very meaningful to me.
ALSO deeply special to me: her intentional and careful commitment to boundaries re: The Palamedes Of It All. a refreshing change of pace, as far as these books go vgjtjxdjt
least favorite thing about them: i mean. houser. :/
favorite line: three way tie between "truly, wonderful news for my haters," "i am sick of roses and horny for revenge," and "oops, there i go again, never doing what i'm told"
brOTP: gideon!!!!! i think it's a crying shame they've never met. i think they'd get along tremendously. the whole cytherea gideon thing was Horrid and Awful in so many ways, but it always Extra stings (in an adding-insult-to-injury sort of way) when i think about what it would have been like if gideon had REALLY met dulcinea, and not cyth. dulcie would've been a great friend for her, i think. they'd have been so good at making each other laugh
OTP: honestly these days it's cam? @ palamedes ily but get outta here gayboy it's yuri time now. plus i just love chewing on the concept of cam + comphet, and cam + subconscious internalized misogyny, and cam + gender, and cam + her relationships and interactions with other women. i think there's lots to explore there. camdulcie has a certain "when i was eight i didn't realize i had a crush on the new girl in my grade so i just wrote her a note that said 'get out of my school'" energy about it, To Me
nOTP: idk if i really have one for her, specifically? idk. ianthe or something, fuck it.
random headcanon: stoner. on all levels except physical she is taking fuckall huge bong rips. on the physical level though her lungs suck so i think she'd be a tincture girlie. she's got chronic pain she deserves it. am i projecting? you tell me
unpopular opinion: idk if this is an unpopular opinion exactly, but i always see people referring to thee rejected proposal as being something born primarily out of love/out of romantic intent? and i don't know if that's necessarily how i see it. it was CERTAINLY, and obviously, a factor. but at least from my interpretation of pal's monologue to cytherea at the end there, i get the sense that he had already accepted her boundaries in that regard, because he says he "understood that he was a child." and we also get camilla saying that his motivations in proposing were primarily a means-to-an-end way of getting her off the seventh and letting her die with dignity. iirc her exact words were like "so she could spend what time she had left with people who cared about her." like, don't get me wrong, i think pal is lying to himself if he says that being in love with dulcie wasn't PART of the motivation there. but i find it a lot more interesting in a worldbuilding and social commentary way to interpret the circumstances there as him offering, essentially, to be a hospice doctor at age 19, and marriage being the 'easiest' way to get her off the seventh/planet medical malpractice. there's an imperial misogyny ownership-through-marriage throughline there that's nauseating, as well as the implications re: disability and agency and autonomy, and i think that's all very interesting to explore. i think this view is supported in part by the paldulcie interaction in TUG, where she alludes to the idea that she was cognizant about the impact that bearing witness to death and loss up-close and personal like that changes a person, and that she didn't want to do that to pal and cam, especially given their age. i think it informa dulcie's character and grants her additional narrative agency to look at things from that angle, of her "no" being in reference to *both* the age gap AND her intentional choice to continue suffering on the seventh, rather than put two kids through being hospice caregivers and/or widowers at nineteen– no matter how many times and how sincerely they kept offering, no matter that she would've absolutely had a more peaceful and comfortable end-of-life HAD she accepted his proposal and gone to the sixth to die. i think it says a lot about her as a person, that choice. there's a quiet and meaningful responsibility to her as a person that i find fascinating. and her character is just sooooo firmly rooted in and informed by disability politics, on every level, and i feel like people don't engage with that aspect of her characterization enough!
song i associate with them: ooooh SO many, i have a whole playlist. but i think the biggest ones are
-the drama by kesha ("friday night, get too high, keep checking my pulse, am i dead yet?" / "in the next life i wanna come back, as a housecat as a housecat! i'd sleep and play in the sun, i'd be a fuckin' cute son of a gun!")
-avant gardener by courtney barnett (the whole song really, but especially the lines "the paramedic thinks i'm clever cause i play guitar, i think she's clever cause she stops people dyin'," and "i take a hit off an asthma puffer, i do it wrong, i was never good at smokin' bongs." i just think she'd love this song.)
-honorable mentions include stoned at the nail salon by lorde, life according to raechel by madison cunningham, rose-colored boy by paramore (@ palamedes, lmfao), picture me better by weyes blood, extraordinary machine by fiona apple, rubberband girl by kate bush, last words of a shooting star by mitski.
favorite picture of them: oh man well it obviously has to be my icon... art made for me by the lovely @franzias-cave !!!! based on the concept of "the woman is dying, please do her the decency of allowing her to look the part in fanart." my girl... she's a malign fairy, she's a hot-eyed wraith <3
ty lem this was so fun! i love my gworl :')
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#nothing like being in varying states of pain for a few years - sometimes less#sometimes more but always there - and being too exhausted to go to a doctor about it bc everyone around you says you just need to do yoga &#the only way ur job will accommodate is by giving u the less staffed late shift so u can go in the morning and ur so exhausted youd rather#just deal eith the pain like u already have been doing for years#to moving to a job that actually allows u to leave early for medical reasons if you can get the essentials done#then phoning the gp with hope & motivation for the first time in a long time#and being told lol no appointments left until july#i had hope for once i really did 🥲 my friend is a pt & said i might have fibromyalgia and i really really dont want it to be that bc that#means i have a chronic illness with no cure but i looked it up and just. every single symptom was a check for me#and i started thinking if i do have it ill have it whether im diagnosed or not & if i dont then thats good to know too? & psyched myself up#for the phone call and. ugh it really hit me#she said to do their online service. tried and it said no appointments available. tried nhs online. it said make an appointment with ur gp#within the next few days 🥲 back to giving up and just bearing the pain and never mentioning it bc i'll just get told it's my own fault bc#i didnt go yoga ig#just needed to rant into the void for a bit sigh#time to go back into work i guess#*#UGH I JUST GOT MY PERIOD TOO#also like. this isn't to say i do have chronic pain it could be something easily solved#and id be delighted if it was#but i hate how the people around me trivialise it like. it's not normal to have intense pain and stiffness from sitting down/standing for#the duration of one train stop ok it's not. it's not normal to feel sharp jolts of pain through my body every time i cough or sneeze.#every part of my body aches! literally from my head to my toes! they dont do toe yoga!#okay enough back into the fray
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on "that sounds like me, do I have ADHD?"
So a thing about ADHD (and probably all mental illnesses, but especially ADHD) is that it doesn't really have any hyper-specific symptoms. Like, it's not like you get ADHD and your elbow turns green, which only happens with ADHD.
ADHD describes a bunch of symptoms, some with shared origins, some which might have different origins, but the important thing to remember is that you can have all those symptoms for reasons other than ADHD.
Time blindness? it can happen to anyone because you got caught up in something. being unable to sit still? it can be caused by any number of physical (and mental!) things, not just ADHD. unable to concentrate? that can happen because of chronic pain, depression, brain fogginess, etc.
So the important thing to remember is that if you see someone (like me) ranting about their ADHD experience, if you identify with that situation, it doesn't necessarily mean you have ADHD.
You might have depression (monopolar or bipolar). or be autistic. or some forms of OCD. or have chronic pain.
Now, by all means, go to a doctor, talk about these symptoms, get tested, get medicated, get therapy, whatever! I'm just saying that you shouldn't jump to ADHD as a definite diagnosis.
ADHD is definitely one of those diagnosis where we drew a circle around some symptoms and said "this is ADHD", if there's no other reason to have those symptoms. Like, if you take a person and keep them awake for 36 hours and feed them a ton of coffee they'll probably act very "ADHD", but it doesn't really mean you need to put them on adderal, even if they're showing a lot of the symptoms of ADHD. You should look for other solutions to their problem, like letting them get some sleep and cutting the caffeine.
And the same is true with ADHD. All the symptoms of ADHD are things that you can have for a bunch of other reasons, many of which can be treated (and treated better!) in other ways.
Depression is a good example: Depressed people can have executive dysfunction issues, trouble concentrating, poor planning, difficulty in finishing things. Would giving them stimulants (like Adderal and Ritalin) help? Maybe somewhat... but it wouldn't help the underlying depression problem! Getting therapy and antidepressants is likely going to be much more effective, since you're treating the condition that is causing the ADHD symptoms. (and if those symptoms don't go away when the depression is cured/managed, maybe they also need stimulants!).
ANYWAY to sum up: Don't worry too much if you see someone with ADHD complaining about something that they do because of ADHD and you go "that's just like me". ADHD isn't that kind of condition, just because you have one or several of the symptoms doesn't mean you have it, you could easily have something else that causes the same or similar symptoms.
And finally: This isn't meant as a thinly-veiled "don't self-diagnose" rant. You go ahead and self-diagnose all you want. I'm just saying that you should consider other possibilities before ADHD, because it may be more effective and easier to treat those conditions than to treat ADHD. (And I say that whether you're self-diagnosing or talking to a doctor: Hopefully your doctor is well-informed enough to know there is a lot of overlap between symptoms, and will ask about other possibilities )
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something that I think would be, truly one of the worst things about the yandere Batfamily really truly is their power to make any and every problem you've ever had completely go away in no time at all
it can be such an awful feeling to see that you struggled in vain with something that was nothing at all to someone else. You could have significant issues that have followed you all your life and have had traumatic impacting effects on you and these people could come in and sweep that all away. Student loans you've been paying off for years, if not a fraction of your lifespan, still burying you in debt? We are talking fucking decimal points on the scale of Bruce Wayne's wealth. That bad leg from an old work injury? Let's grab you one of the best doctors in Gotham, if not the entire world, fuck, we may even get you a doctor or medicine that isn't even human-made! Y'all want a magic leg? We know this chick who can speak backwards, you want a magically healed leg?
Crippling loneliness? Eternal sunshine and objectively best Robin Dick Grayson is here to brighten your entire world since he knows what it can feel like to be hurting and alone and he's literally like the heart and soul of the entire manor besides Alfred
Chronic pain, an undiagnosed disability, or maybe you're not confident in your fitness? Jason has extensive knowledge of injury recovery, physical therapy, and overall knowledge about human biology and musculature and how everything correlates
Family issues? Daddy issues? Let Resident Troubled Kid Expert Alfred Pennyworth be your new grandpa. He's dealt with more than one temperamental snappy individual, and he'll use his patience, experience, and wit to wear down all your stress and hostility. It's hard to keep being cruel to someone who's nothing but kind to you, and he has plenty of patience and delicious baked treats to hold out until you give in
Honestly just the fact most of them are so fucking young would get under my skin. You could be approaching your 30s and be sitting here at the Wayne family dinner table as their weird sister/mom/girlfriend/whatever and being all "I've just always had these struggles my entire life, I dont know what's wrong with me, I feel like I can't control how I act or feel and I hate it" and someone like Tim who depending on the source material and where you are on the timeline is a literal teenager with extensive knowledge of criminals and psychology is just over here, "oh, that? You have chronic childhood trauma, recurring resurfacing conflict related ptsd, severe abandonment issues, emotional regulation problems that are probably biological, and also you probably have autism, and there's nothing wrong with any of that :)" and then he turns to Bruce and starts talking about how his school is taking a trip abroad to Greece while you sit there processing that everyone around the table has extensively psychologically evaluated you and you probably have your own file on the Batcomputer (you do. It's excessive.)
It's just. The psychology of having all these problems you've struggled with be wiped away by someone else like it's nothing and how, that can result in making someone feel all the more worthless and helpless. Oh, Bruce was able to just make all your problems disappear? Clearly YOU weren't trying hard enough. Tim is able to suss out what's wrong with you? Well YOU'RE the dysfunctional idiot who was born wrong, and YOU were the one choosing the wrong doctors. You're watching all these young teenagers or young adults be vigilantes and travel the world and learn multiple languages and you're like. Normal guy Steve from the grocery store. You know? They take control of your life and make you feel like a side character in it, because everything you do is now attached to them, and all of them and all of their adventures are so... spectacular
And really, someone with a meaner heart, and maybe someone more blunt like, say, Damian, could perhaps come in and make some comment, "see? This is why you needed our assistance in caring for you" and what are you gonna do, NOT act like they basically fixed your entire life in less than a year's time, with the one objection of kidnapping and imprisonment? You're just over here, "um yeah, actually, I'm an adult and I can take care of myself, you don't need to TAKE CARE OF ME???" meanwhile Bruce and Alfred are exchanging knowing looks while you speak as if the old butler hadn't needed to help you call your doctor and other important urgent matters because being on the phone with strangers gave you such intense anxiety. Ok yes sure honey you are a lovely functional adult and your brain is big and beautiful and perfect 🥰 now shut up about going to live back home on your own, go play Xbox with your new brothers or go bake something with Grandpa while the world's greatest detective sits down in the Batcave using the Batcomputer to track down and "have a friendly chat" with that one childhood teacher that gave you that one really specific trauma-
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something that stuck with me once, way back in middle school when i was still learning how to write - my teacher said "writing shock and tragedy is easy, it's humor that's the hardest."
i have been up and down the halls of academia. i have the fancy degree and the experience in publishing. i think i paved most of my own road with the little bricks of sorrow i had stored inside of me. i know i did it mostly with works that are blisteringly lonely. i know why we write like that. it's lifesaving.
but yeah, i mean. i also know how much people think that "sad" media is the same thing as "good" media. our human desire to connect is so hard-pressed that we immediately latch onto any broken themes. the bullied kids and the tales of inspiration. people keep saying things like "glass onion" and "everything everywhere" weren't actually good. because, you know, they're. happy. or happy-ish. happy enough. and we only value art if it's grimdark-adjacent.
do you know - people still consistently whine at me that my writing would be so good if i just capitalized things. i used to flinch. i get kind of a weird, vindictive little rush these days - i get to say thank you for the comment! i have chronic pain and this is how i conserve my hands so i can write more during the day :) grammar isn't real anyway! and now they're trapped in the room with me, you know? i get to pull out my map and show them how grammar is not the same thing as good writing.
writers have this thing. we scratch at our insides, constantly, prying our lives apart into splinters. prying the splinters apart into atoms. when we combust something into poetry, we control it. it cannot hurt us if it exists outside of us rather than burning a hole through the bottom of our lungs. it's not a wonder to me that so much of what i make comes out like a death gasp. i spent a long time at the bottom. i keep going back, too. when you're down there for so long, the only thing you can exhale is fumes.
but humor is hard. humor needs timing; which i can't promise in a paragraph. i can kind-of force it through careful spacing, but i have no idea how fast you're reading these things. humor needs a somewhat awareness of your audience, when really - anybody could be looking. humor needs us to understand what the joke is, why it's a joke, and to think - ha! that is funny. in tragedy, everyone understands the metaphor of a kicked puppy. in humor, you need to introduce them to the concept of a dog.
and forget about positivity. forget about anything not made for adults explicitly. every time i see a well-made children's media piece, i feel fucking horrible for the creators. most of the time, people see children's media as being sort of "not worth" applause, even though i'm pretty sure they have to work twice as hard. i have no idea how hard it must be to not be able to have your character just say. "well, fuck." something about a message of peace or friendship or caring - for some reason, that makes the media not for adults. like, okay. i'm pretty sure my father actually, out of all of us, could use a good book on how to control his temper and talk about his feelings.
but whatever. i write a short story about my ocd, and how it's fucking killing me. it gets an award. it gets published. i write a short story about my ocd, and how i'm overcoming it, and how my days are getting lighter and starting to flourish. i keep getting ghosted. no response. it just is lacking... something.
is this it, forever? you can be an artist, okay. but the trade off is that the things you make - if they're happy? if they're joyful? people will say it's stupid and pandering. you bite your nails off. you file your teeth. you hear something inside of you breaking.
the other day in a writing group, someone i'd thought of as a friend said: "you write so much better these days! i love what you make when you'd rather be dead."
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Having chronic pain can give you an extremely high pain tolerance while at the same time making it seem like you have a very low one, and while that might seem like a contradiction, it isn't
A person's window of tolerance has a lower limit know as the pain threshold, or the point at which they begin to feel pain. The upper limit is the point when that pain becomes unbearable. Someone with a high pain tolerance, then, is someone with a larger space between those limits
Many people with chronic pain can't accurately define our pain threshold because we're only not in pain when we're unconscious. So the best we can do is say that our window of tolerance starts at when we wake up. I haven't been below a 4/10 in years, whereas people without chronic pain enter their window of tolerance at a one. Mine also ends at around a 9/10, which is generally the level of pain I can get to before I can't hide that I'm in pain any more. Up until that point, you probably won't be able to tell that I'm in any pain at all unless I want you to
And like, this body is entirely capable of generating a nine on its own. I'd say its baseline is around a six (and that's with pain meds), so it's not uncommon for me to be going about my daily life at a seven or eight on a bad day. I can be just below the top of my window of tolerance without looking like I'm experiencing any pain at all
It's also takes almost nothing to add more pain. Having fibromyalgia means that this body often interprets sensory information as pain even when there's no reason for it to. Right now, my legs hurt where my laptop is sitting on them. My fingertips hurt every time they hit a key to type. My eyes hurt from the light, and it's not even very bright in here. So something like a lighthearted punch to the shoulder that would barely add any pain for someone else could be as painful to me as a real punch would be for them
And if someone gets lightheartedly punched on the shoulder and winces from the pain, that's gonna look like having a low pain tolerance. But if I'm already at an eight and you do that to me, I'm going to be in an amount of pain that would have the toughest of tough guys crying like a baby and all you're gonna get from me is a wince
So yeah, an absurdly high pain tolerance can look like a low one if you're not seeing 99% of the pain
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ok so someone's adorable fanart of Gyu caught my eye and ...
ballerina Gyutaro?
𝐁𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐨 𝐆𝐲𝐮𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐨 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬
I saw that fanart too! It was so cute. Here's a link to the original post if anyone would like to see it: Ballerino Gyutaro by @emo-toaster
And no that's not a typo, ballerino is the male term for ballerina in Italian
Gyutaro and Ume are renowned ballet dancers in the industry. Constantly working on their technique and being booked for shows. They take their profession very seriously.
The duo is known for their lean bodies and long legs. Always moving gracefully across the stage. Ume is also well known for her beauty, while her brother is known for his unconventional yet appealing appearance.
Typically his face would be an issue, but all is forgiven because of his unique body shape. His body is like no other, making him an exceptional choice. His body is incredibly slim but he has the upper body strength to perform lifts with other dancers. He's very sought after for this reason.
Gyutaro is incredibly flexible, and even double-jointed in many areas. He can do the splits with ease and is a master at fouettés.
The siblings are most well known from their performance of swan lake. This performance is what brought them so much notoriety and made them a household name for ballet enjoyers.
Of course the fame is nice but it comes with it's downsides. After years of ballet the siblings have developed severe foot issues, causing chronic pain and disfigurement in their feet.
Even though Gyutaro is a phenomenal dancer and looks incredible on stage, many people attack him for his appearance. Saying the black spots on his face are hideous and distract from the dance.
Sometimes the harsh critiques get to him, but he's still booking plenty of performances so he doesn't mind too much.
The real issue is his social life outside of dance. He finds it difficult to make friends and form relationships because dance consumes most of his time.
And every time he goes on dates, or tries to talk to someone romantically they usually regard him with disgust. Sometimes even saying that his profession is too feminine and it's a turn-off for them.
Gyutaro takes his career and talent very seriously and never allows anyone to get away with saying such cruel things to him. Though deep down it makes him feel insecure, like he isn't good enough or isn't a man. Which in no shape or form is true, his sister always reassures him of that.
The only people that seem to understand are other dancers. So sometimes he will pursue something with another dancer, but eventually dance consumes their time and they no longer have time for each other.
He will never admit it, but he often wishes he could have a romance like the ones portrayed in his ballet performances. But at this point he's given up on romance and spends most of his free time practicing in the studio with his sister.
#gyutaro#gyutaro shabana#ume shabana#gyutaro and daki#kny headcanons#demon slayer headcanons#𝐑𝐞𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐬 ʚ♡ɞ
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So I have only my two cents to give on the "curing disabilities in fantasy/sci-fi stories" trope, as just one disabled person among many disabled people, but here are my two cents nonetheless.
One defense of the trope is that it's simply a form of escapism, and moreover, a fantasy that disabled people themselves can quite reasonably find joy in — as a feel-good story, a break from all the pain of real life. Many — not all by a long shot, but many — of us would jump at the chance for a cure, after all, and it's not like we're not valid to do so. Lots of us take pride in being disabled, but nevertheless, sometimes it really fucking sucks.
The counterargument to the above is this: that this isn't a realistic trope, and that particularly in combination with the suffocating frequency that this trope is used, this becomes the opposite of a hopeful fantasy. When you have an incurable condition, and the only happy endings you see represented for people like you in fiction are inevitably only achieved once the characters stop being like you — that can be indescribably upsetting.
Disabled characters do not get happy endings while remaining disabled — and fiction is fiction and all, but I'm not going to pretend like this doesn't have gradual, accumulative real-life effects on the amount of effort people/society are willing to put into accessibility and acceptance, because of beliefs like "aren't you going to be cured someday anyway?" Or "isn't this disability just going to stop existing, someday? one way or another?"
I hope I don't have to explain how damaging it is to think the above way, or to imagine a future where disability doesn't exist. (Yes, even though disability is partially socially constructed. That's a load-bearing "partially".)
So, if you couldn't tell, I do generally relate a lot more to the harsher, more critical view of this trope — but I certainly don't want to judge actual disabled people for writing it either (and especially not people with progressive conditions), not when there is genuine catharsis and escapist joy that can be wrung from it. I obviously don't trust non-disabled folks with writing "cure" stories any further than I could throw them, due to a long fucking history of non-disabled people fucking it up — but also, no one should be forced to reveal personal details, let alone medical history, to justify their choice to write something.
This is the paradox that I am willing to come to terms with, by throwing up my hands and saying, "okay, so some of the time I sure don't like it, but it's technically none of my business."
That said: if you're non-disabled, or you're writing about a disability much different from your own (a physical disability when you're autistic, for example), and you want to write an escapist feel-good story featuring disabled characters: I also want to stress that "escapist themes" versus "no one's disability gets cured ever" is very much a false binary. You can have both.
I've never written a "curing a disability" story. But I've both written and enjoyed some extremely escapist, unashamedly hopeful stories revolving around disabled characters — and it's all about accommodation.
A story of any genre where society is more accepting of — and willing to collectively help care for — chronic illnesses and chronic pain? That's escapist, and if it's something that characters once fought tooth and nail for, it's pretty damn cathartic. A fantasy or sci-fi story where medicines are still required to treat a condition, but the medicines are more accessible, more effective, et cetera, may also be escapist depending on the context.
Fantasy service animals, high-tech service robots, magical or indistinguishable-from-magic mobility devices? They're all possibly escapist too. (Just note that a lot of disabled people may still maintain a personal preference for seeing the "real world" versions, and that's that's also perfectly reasonable. Remember that the gripe with the original trope has a lot to do with a lack of variety in representation, justified by arbitrary rules about how fantasy/sci-fi "should" look, and the goal should be not to replicate that.)
So, in conclusion: if you find yourself writing a disabled character, and want to give them a happy ending, I urge you not to jump to "their disability is cured now" without at least thinking through the alternatives. Do your research regardless, and accept that disabled people will likely have a wide range of opinions on whatever you decide to go with — but accept that disabilities themselves are varied, and should not inherently have to consign either characters or real human beings to tragic lives by their mere existence.
#disability#ableism#long post#honestly i could tag toh here but i won't#(especially because the ableism in that fandom has calmed down since the peak in s2a - at least as far as i've observed)
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uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuughhhhhhhhhh
so here's the deal re: this fucking horseshit. god i hate this.
i, personally, have mostly given up on trying to dodge inclusion in AI datasets. the stuff i make generally isn't what they're looking for anyway and there's no real way to 100% avoid being scraped short of becoming entirely invisible online, which would um, lead to me having no money and dying. that's part of the cruelty of all this, but also, in a way, it's the same risk artists online have always taken; if you want people to see your work, you have to post it knowing that some of those people are fucking lowlife piece of shit scumbags who will try to resell it on redbubble or something for a quick buck. AI is just a new and exhausting way for garbagey people to stink worse. i am not in any way excusing that behavior or trying to imply people should not be mad about it or that we shouldn't condemn this move and fight back. "if you don't want your work stolen, don't put it online" is the kind of shitty Internet Tough Guy talk i've always hated since my dA days. it's as useless and heartless as telling people that if they don't want their bikes stolen, they shouldn't leave them at the bike rack. i'm saying that i, personally, will not let a bunch of soulless thieving shitheads drive me offline. i belong here. they belong in a wifi-proof dumpster.
nightshade and glaze eat my artwork alive. they make it look terrible. when you have to sell things on the basis that they look nice, it's a big problem when protective measures make them look like dogshit. my work is not a good candidate for these processes. even if that weren't the case, i don't have the stamina, especially right now while my chronic pain is flaring for the third month in a row and my adhd meds are scarce, to go back and shade/glaze everything, and it wouldn't work on reblogs anyway. given the way midjourney and its equally stinky siblings have already scraped years and terabytes' worth of image data from popular websites, it doesn't seem worth my time. if you think it is worth yours i am not going to like, yell at you. i am just one person. but i want to be clear about the kind of situations some of us are being forced into.
i think some of the doomsaying about AI and what it will do to us has been overblown-- they need you, for marketing purposes, to believe that someday their shitty robot will be as good at "drawing" and as practical to work with as a human-- but the consequences of "AI" (which is not even actually AI) are already real and visible and obvious to anyone paying attention. i unfortunately am not infinitely wise and powerful and therefore do not have an ideal all-encompassing solution to this deeply stupid problem that the Most Unlikeable Manbabies On Earth have imposed on us after NFTs fizzled out.
what i do have is a very large repository of nice anime and game screenshots i've taken, knowledge of many archives of nice public domain images, a computer that can run nightshade overnight or while i'm off doing other things, and, most importantly, near-infinite capacity for pettiness. i do kinda feel like the jury is still out on how well nightshade/glaze will work in the long run, but in the meantime, i suppose it wouldn't cost me a lot to... perhaps... every time i get Mad About AI™, channel that anger into dumping some thoroughly-but-not-spammily-tagged, high-quality, inconspicuous poison onto this godforsaken hellsite via a secret side blog. i could make a batch of poison ahead of time, keep it on my phone, use my Toilet Scrolling Time or my Public Transit Time to post and tag up an image here and there. it could be a fun challenge to try to make some pretty robot poison that some humans will still enjoy.
the other thing we need to poison at this point, IMO, is the word "AI" itself, by being loudly and mercilessly critical of any company that dabbles in it, the same way we all clowned on any company that pushed their luck with NFT/crypto shit a couple of years ago. we need to have every corporation terrified that association with AI will tank their sales and hurt their brand. AI must = number go down and lots of people screaming at you. companies will fuck around. we must provide the finding-out. we shouldn't have to. but we can!
so make sure to let tumblr know you hate this. maybe you could include this interesting link (tw child abuse) about how Stable Diffusion was trained on some extremely serious crime. or these screenshots of Midjourney devs just sort of admitting what their whole thing is, which i got here but which have kinda been spread all over since January.
spite and anger can be forms of hope. that's all i have to say, or at least all i'm willing to type with my left hand tonight.
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This is kind of rambling because I just really wish I saw more of this but whatever.
I wish I saw more stuff about Zoro's eye and the crew. I'm really interested in how that wound would have been handled by the crew.
The world already thinks the strawhats are fucking nuts, so I have the firm belief that they only let themselves be true, squishy humans with each other. Reindeer and skeleton included.
The rest of the world has seen them cry, bleed, near death, etc but the real stuff is for crew eyes only. The nightmares, the chronic pains, the panic attacks, the depression, the parts of healing that aren't pretty, etc.
Those belong to the crew. No one else gets to see that because being human in front of the world is different than be vulnerable in front of the world. And they love each other too much to let any of them be stripped bare for the world if they have anything to say about it.
I think of Zoro and Luffy as having the first real injuries of the crew. The point of no return injuries. The sealed their fate as pirates in blood and flesh injuries.
No one on the crew has lost anything quite like Zoro's eye. No one has lost any arms or legs, no lost fingers or toes, no lost of the senses like sight or hearing, and no truly horrific scars. Other than Zoro. And after the timeskip, Zoro and Luffy.
So Zoro missing an eye should have been a thing because this isn't something that heals. An eye doesn't grow back. The world changed for Zoro when he lost it (or whatever happened since we don't 100% know).
That's the injury of a human and Luffy and Zoro, and often Sanji, are seen as beyond human by so much of the world. Even the crew.
And that injury must have been fucking wild. Like so much there to unpack. The pain, the recovery, any infection, relearning how to live daily life with half your vision gone. That's a lot of time to be vulnerable.
It bothers the crew that they weren't there to cover his vulnerabilities like they should have been. They weren't there to do that for Luffy or Zoro. But this post is about Zoro, so that's what we're focusing on.
I have been brainstorming how I'd like to see the crew have to deal with this and I think a great way to make this into a hell of an idea for a fic would be way more simple than I was making it. I was originally thinking about shorting the timeskip, ignoring orders to stay separate, the wound happening closer to when they meet, etc.
But then I thought devil fruit. Duh.
What if the crew runs into a devil fruit user with the ability to recreate wounds? It'd have to be some type of time based power that would allow the user to touch the spot of a scar or other old injury and revert it back to the worst stage of it. Maybe it was when it was first received, a infection, etc.
It would work for other things too. The user notices someone doesn't have any glaringly obvious scars to focus on? Try the head, they probably had a concussion at some point. Try the arm, they've probably broken it at some point.
It also requires the user to revert the wound back to it's present state or it has to heal naturally all over again.
And someone who's fighting the strawhats with this power would go right for Luffy's chest scar. Take the captain down in one hit. He probably won't survive the wound again.
There's a couple ways I could see this playing out specifically with Zoro.
Either the user can't get Luffy and goes for the next best, Zoro's eye. (Or chest would be interesting. Maybe both)
Or they almost get Luffy but Zoro gets in the way. Thriller bark all over again.
I think that wound was nasty because I can't imagine Zoro losing an eye with a clean cut. Most importantly though is what stage it goes back to.
It's clearly not when he first got it. The wound is ragged and inflamed. Dried blood is holding the edges and the skin is stained a rusty color. Not that you can tell over all the bruising, big blooms of black and purple and yellow, that creep across his face and even down his neck.
It's a little terrifying.
But that's not even all of it. The wound fucks with a lot of stuff that they hadn't even thought of.
He's got constant, debilitating headaches and ringing in his ears. It makes basic things like focusing, walking, turning his head, etc all very hard and painful.
Loss of appetite due to pain and medication and chewing and even drinking all pull at the wound. So rapidly losing weight becomes a problem.
Sleep is almost impossible. His exhaustion slows the healing process.
Nausea and vomiting from the trauma, headaches and exhaustion. Even further loss of weight, energy, and necessary nutrients.
And once those settle enough, all the other issues become prominent.
Having to relearn balance and depth perception. Both in daily life and fighting.
Having to readjust for having his field of vision cut in half.
The general trauma. Honestly, I just need him flinching away sometimes when he just wakes up and someone comes in on his blind side. Only with them though, that's the only time he lets himself relax enough to be caught off gaurd or allow someone to surprise him.
The body remembers wounds like that. The mind remembers wounds like that. Zoro is a master at mind over matter stuff but even then, sometimes things are so deep and instinctive that it would be very hard to override those responses.
I want to see the crew reacting to it all.
The nights were Zoro stumbles up, pressing a hand to his eye, dripping sweat, and gasping for air because he managed to actually fall asleep, but in doing so forget to take pain medication before it was too late.
The days where getting him to eat something is the hardest battle the crew has had in days.
Chopper near tears with worry and fury. The rest of the crew in similar mindsets.
They find he sleeps best sitting against the wall with one of them, back supported and unable to roll into a painful position accidentally. His head resting on their shoulder and a careful, so so careful, hand to nudge him back if he starts to do something that will hurt.
He lets Chopper have full access to the wound, not even rejecting the pain medication and that alone speaks to the agony he's in.
They want to squirrel him away deep in the ship until he's better, he's too vulnerable anywhere else. It sets their teeth on edge and the idea of anyone seeing Zoro hurt and bleeding like this is unacceptable.
A healed wound to show the world is one thing, like the scar he had before the devil fruit user, and even a wound still healing, like Luffy's when he rang the bell after marineford, is different. Both of those are warnings. I'll come back stronger, you can't keep me down.
This is something else.
Someone hurt their swordsman. And they knew that of course, even when it was just a scar, but seeing it makes it real.
It makes something burn in their bellies with fury, wanting to snap their teeth at anything or anyone not crew.
It's a wild possessive and protective feeling. Vicious, a little blood thirsty, and demanding names. They want to know who did it.
Part of what makes Zoro Zoro is how he handles injuries and protects the crew. When he first got the wound he was by himself and probably hid away for a bit to lick his wounds before pushing himself back into everything too quick and with too little care.
So this time they want to care for it right, they want to care for him right.
The wound will heal with or without pain medication, but there's no reason to not make sure he's comfortable and supported.
He can sleep with or without someone, but if having someone there helps keep him in one spot all night and keeps the nightmares at bay, why would they let him sleep alone?
The bandages will be changed regardless, but if his hands shake less when someone else is helping him with the cleaning of the wound and the new bandages, why would they leave him to do it by himself?
It's not weakness, it's trust. It's love and vulnerability that belong to each other, not the world.
Being loved enough to be vulnerable is a privilege they'd never deny each other.
#lots of half ass ideas stuck in my head lately#one piece#zoro#luffy#sanji#nami#usopp#nico robin#franky one piece#brook one piece#tony tony chopper#jinbei#mugiwara pirates#straw hat crew#mugiwara crew#straw hats#more everyone loves zoro posts because im trash#setting sail with greyskyflowers
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♡ NCT DREAM + the way they say i love you without saying “i love you”
LEE MARK says i love you in the little ways the sound of his giggles warms your chest. in the way he doesn't have to be in front of you but the sound of his encouragement does all the work by pushing you a little forward in the right way and silently doing his best in supporting you. he says i love you without saying i love you by being your support at all times even if you don't see it. it's his giggle, that always follows his awkward statements, they tell you his inner feeling more than he would verbally.
HUANG RENJUN says i love you in his little display of affection. you know he is shy when it comes to his own emotions but he shows his appreciation and love for you by doing his best to meet your needed affection quota. even little reassuring pats and small hugs, they are sprinkled in between and always there when you need it. his hands intertwine with your whenever your hand looks lonely, and his fingers play with your hair when he is unconsciously watching you do nothing. his little touches that you don't think he does purposely say a lot.
LEE JENO says i love you with his constant accommodation. while this behaviour can come across as pushover-y, he nevers lets his own emotions be overshadowed because to him, accommodating you is something that gives him a sense of joy. he loves you in the way he loves being the one who is most perfect for you, the one who understands your needs and wants perfectly enough to not spoil you but still spoil you. he is willing to do anything for you while also being the one to tell you no and stop you from doing something that wouldn't turn out well. his accommodation of your every whim screams his love for you more than any grand gesture ever could.
LEE HAECHAN says i love you in his bouts of seriousness. for as long as you have known, he has always maintained his carefree, positive attitude about everything he has done and wants to achieve; the same was the case of you but when it really mattered, his bouts of sudden seriousness, that melts any doubt you'd ever have in his actions towards you or anything else, is what shows his care and love the most. it's in this seriousness you know that in his mind, you do take a priority even if he doesn't seem to care at other times and that's its his confidence in what you can do that he keeps to himself when he knows he isn't needed.
NA JAEMIN says i love you in the way he is a chronic smiler around you, whenever he leaves your presence, the stabbing pain on his cheeks will announce their presence because before that he didn't notice how much they were hurting because he was focused on you. as if it were habitual, the text will come to you, “my cheeks hurt ☹️” every time. but regardless of the following pain, he always finds himself smiling at the littlest of things around you, maybe it was you or maybe it was something he will forever associate with you, he can't hide his smile when he is around you.
ZHONG CHENLE says i love you in his stillness. the way he shows his love for you is in his daily, minute actions that he probably doesn't know he does because it is woven into him. the blanket in the back of his car that is just for you, the tissue packet in his bag that is just for you, the way sundays are always left free just for you. his routine that bends and moulds to fit you into it perfectly, he still gets shocked when an abrupt plan fits into his schedule because he has unconsciously been making space for you anyway.
PARK JISUNG says i love you in his subtle clingy-ness and his almost abundant information about you. you never have to worry about anything when he is around, without even asking he just knows what you want and what you would prefer by observing your body language. the times he brings over himself because your voice over the call seemed like you wanted to ask him but didn't, you always feel how much he loves you when he does this thing where communication is unspoken but still said.
©KDYISM, 2022 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
#nct dream x reader#nct x reader#neozonenet#ankathia#nct imagines#nct dream scenarios#nct dream imagines#mark x reader#jaemin x reader#jeno x reader#haechan x reader#jisung x reader#chenle x reader#renjun x reader#nct dream headcanons
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Hi! I've been on quite the gravity falls kick lately, so it's so nice to see someone writing for that fandom!
I was wondering if you could please write some Headcanons about Ford Pines (romantic) and Stan, Dipper and Mabel (platonic) taking care of a reader who's chronically ill and/or recovering from surgery?
I just got diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and it's kinda bumming me out, and I also am prepping for a really big scary jaw surgery. In case you're wondering about symptoms and such, the symptoms of Rheumatoid Arthritis are just a lot of pain and inflammation in my finger and knee joints - I always wear compression gloves and knee sleeves to help with that, alongside using antiinflammatory gels.
As for the jaw surgery, I won't have my jaw wired shut (thank God) but I'll still have trouble talking and will need to be on a liquid diet for awhile, as well as just being in an insane amount of pain. I imagine the Pines would come up with a 'thumbs up or thumbs down ' system for that sort of thing, and Mabel would insist on making all sorts of soft dishes herself. There would be a LOT of milkshakes and ice cream lol.
You can choose either one of these scenarios you feel most comfortable with, but I'd be ecstatic if you could do both! But I understand if that's not possible, so it's up to you. Have a great day, I'm wishing you the best hun 🥰
hi there!! id be happy to complete your request :) im chronically ill as well (i have a load of illnesses but my chronic pain stems from fibro and EDS, which is not super fun) and have had a handful of surgeries so i understand completely how it can be such a bummer!! prepare for some gravith falls lovins >:) hope your recovery goes well and everything goes smoothly for you!! wishing you sm love and care!!
THE PINES X READER RECOVERING FROM SURGERY!
ford pines x reader (romantic), platonic pines twins + stan
general headcanons
ford does SO MUCH research prepping for surgery. like to the point of he knows more about the entire procedure + your condition and how to care for you than you yourself!
hes just so nervous even if its a low risk surgery, he just doesnt wanna see you in any pain!! hes gotten surgery before too (metal plate in his head) so he also knows a bit of what the recovery process is like.
dipper does his own research as well, not as extensive as his great uncle but enough to know what to look out for and how to care for you just in case he's needed. also so that he can tell mabel to stop doing something because lets face it she is very chaotic LOL
she means the absolute best but she's never gotten surgery nor is she chronically ill, and for someone recovering, could be a bit over stimulating.
stan doesnt do research but he DOES make the den all nice and cozy for you once youve returned from your surgery. he allows you to use the chair he normally reclines in and has a fold up table situated next to it with anything you could possibly need. he doesnt say much but he shows he cares by doing this, and you appreciate it so much
mabel sews you custom compression sleeves, socks, braces, you name it! that girl is crafty as hell and her love language is making things.
dipper isn't as creative as his sister, or crafty, but he's always offering to make med runs for you if you're too tired to go!! he likes being able to help in any way he can, and doesn't mind driving out of town to get anything you need.
ford probably figures out his own sciency or magical recipe for a topical gel for you! hes wicked smart and wants to ease your pain in every possible way he can. hes putting all of his phds to use!!!
stan also has arthritis!! a different version, but he understands your pain. he's got a load of orthopedic equipment he's happy to let you use. he knows how much of a sucker his brother is for you, and you're an important part of the family. he'll do what he can to help out!!
scenario
"We're back!" Ford's voice exclaimed from the doorway, helping you slowly walk in and sat down in Stan's recliner, which had been set up at the perfect angle for you to lay comfortably. Ford carefully helps you into the chair as two pairs of footsteps can be heard coming down the stairs (one pair running excitedly and the other walking at a fast pace).
"They're still a little loopy from the anesthesia, and can't really talk, so we'll be doing the thumbs system we talked about earlier, kids," Ford said, gently stroking your hair in a soothing manner whilst talking to Dipper and Mabel.
"I MADE YOU A GET WELL SWEATER!!! Waddles tried eating it but I made sure it was completely in tack for you when you got back!" Mabel said to you excitedly, proudly presenting her sweater. It was a red rust color, with the words "Get Well Soon!!" hand stitched to it. Sweaters were her love languahe, you had discovered while living with the Pines family (cue your closet, having its own section dedicated to Mabel sweaters).
You managed a small smile and a shaky thumbs up, and this was enough to make Mabel happily set it on the folding table next to the recliner. Dipper look like he was struck with an idea, and rushed into the kitchen, grabbing your pain medication and a glass of water.
He gently set it on the table next to you, and you gave another shaky thumbs up.
"Sorry about that, Grunkle Stan told me to set that out but I got so absorbed in the new journal," He said sheepishly, and you gave a small shrug to let him know you weren't upset.
"Ooh! That reminds me, dinner is on MABEL TONIGHT!" Mabel happily exclaimed, fist pumping the air excitedly. She was rarely allowed in the kitchen, or more specifically, near the oven. Even if she wouldn't be cooking anything, the thought of caring for someone and making them a dinner of ice cream and smoothies was very appealing to her.
At some point you had fallen asleep, Ford sitting on the couch next to you gently holding your hand. Stan had joined him on the couch while the two watched TV. Ford eventually too took a small nap on the couch while still grasping your hand.
When you awoke, it was to Mabel gently tapping your shoulder, careful not to harm you.
"I hate wake you up, you and Grunkle Ford were so cute!! It was definitely a scrapbookortunity... But I have your dinner!! Vanilla and chocolate ice cream with a strawberry banana smoothie!! Courtesy of Mabel," she added the last part with a playful wink before handing you the bowl and setting the smoothie on the table.
You could hear Stan and Dipper in the kitchen while Ford slowly woke up from his nap on the couch. He rubbed his eyes underneath his glasses before glancing at you lovingly. How you could still look so lovable after getting surgery and ravenously eating ice cream, he wasn't sure. But he loved you so much he didn't question it.
He leaned over and pressed a kiss to your forehead, mumbling a small greeting against it. You slowed your eating and gave a weak smile, to which he happilt returned.
Yeah, you were glad you had the Pines while you recovered. You wouldn't have anyone else.
#stanford pines x reader#ford pines x reader#stanley pines x reader#stan pines x reader#mabel pines x reader#dipper pines x reader#gravity falls x reader#gf x reader#disney x reader#headcanons#oneshot
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frank discussion of gynecological issues and frustrations with OBGYNs (especially re: chronic illness) under the cut, but I guess also potentially useful information for people who want to hear about it
so... some of you might remember when I was going to OGBYNs a little while ago. I have endometriosis and PMDD diagnoses, so going to OBGYNs isn't exactly unusual for me, but I ended up going to see more than I usually do.
this was largely because the hormonal therapy that I was taking for those disorders was starting to fail and I was bleeding a lot. like... for weeks at a time over a period of months. I had to deal with some... frustrating OBGYN advice in this time (such as the rage-inducing "well, women have to bleed") but I also discovered that like... I mean, I think I always knew that I had more vaginal pain than other people I know, but a lot of things hurt me so I just kind of... ignored it?
but they tried to put me on the nuva ring for a little while during this period and my body just... straight-up rejected it. it hurt like a bitch to put in, it kept coming out, I could feel it in there and it hurt, etc.
I ended up comparing notes with some other people I know and realized that my problems with insertion were probably more severe than I'd thought. like, it is not unusual for me to cry during pap smears and have cramping for days afterward. I cannot use tampons without massive pain. your body is not really supposed to physically expel something like a nuva ring several times a day. tmi I guess but I have not found penetration of any kind pleasant.
so I talked to... I want to say four or five different OBGYNs in this period, and none of them gave me a real reason for this. the prevailing attitude was mostly "oh yeah, that happens sometimes. lmao."
the best I could get was a diagnosis of "vaginismus" on my chart, and when I pressed for more information, they basically told me it was a psychological thing where your body is afraid of penetration so it clenches up and won't unclench. they literally grilled me on my history of sexual abuse to see if they could find the source of my dick phobia.
now... not to get too into it, but I do have a history of CSA -- but my pain problems predate it. I got my period relatively early and I've never been able to use tampons or anything like them. every time I've tried has ended in literal tears. again, cramping pain for days, even after the period itself has stopped.
so I get the dick phobia diagnosis from two different doctors, but one of them says she can do a transvaginal ultrasound if I'm really worried. we do this and it is uh. excruciating, honestly. thank god it was in California and they let me get high as a kite.
in the end, they can't find anything "physically" wrong with why I'm in pain and they send me on my way, dick phobia dx in hand.
today. today. YEARS later. I am googling tips on how to try a menstrual cup if you have vaginismus (prep for the trip abroad; I don't like Japanese pads) and I see someone saying "oh, I'm glad that treatment worked for you, my problems are because of ehlers-danlos syndrome."
you know, one of the chronic illnesses I have and one that I divulged to every OBGYN I saw.
what.
paging Dr. Google!!!
I come to find out that folks that have EDS, because of their connective tissue issues and extremely brittle skin, sometimes deal with extreme gynecological pain. it's partially pelvic floor issues, partially the fact that the skin in your vagina is breaking.
so all those times that I said "it feels like it's cutting me" or "it feels like knives" were probably because it was fucking cutting me. all those times I said I felt scraped raw for days was probably because abrasions take a long time to heal when you have EDS.
I cannot believe. I cannot believe. that I went into so many different OBGYNs who told me that my pain issues were because I had a psychological fear of dicks and when I told them I was a lesbian were like "oh well then problem solved" when actually my body was physically tearing. I had even seen blood sometimes and it had always been dismissed as spotting.
the anger I feel rn is indescribable, tbh. I never bought that my problems were all in my head (probably because doctors used that line on me so often when I was a kid and getting other chronic illnesses diagnosed) but the fact that gynecological health science is still so fucking awful that we shrug off pain that is the symptom of dangerous chronic illnesses as "well that happens sometimes" or "have you considered that maybe you're afraid of sex?"
I JUST
this reminds me of when I had to find out from a fucking tumblr post that vaginal secretions are made from blood rather than glands, so if you have bad blood pressure/flow it'll often cause itchiness/dryness/pain. bad blood flow like... idk... maybe POTS.
so again, it was actually one of my known chronic illnesses causing gynecological issues, not any of the other bullshit reasons doctors were giving me, like age or stress.
I hate that I'm fucking 33 years old and I still have to learn stuff like this from google searches. I still don't know how my shitty body works, and it's largely because of stuff like this. what the fuck. I'm so mad. why do doctors still treat vaginas like a fucking scary mystery?
I'm well aware that Dr. Google doesn't always know what the fuck it's talking about, but apparently neither do my doctors! which is why, yet again, I'm up all night reading medical journals in the vain attempt to figure out how to actually live my life!
ugh!!!
#also the idea that vaginal pain only matters bc of sex and potentially deadly gynecological issues only matter bc of fertility#like your organs are only useful for sex or babies#and just not wanting to fucking hurt in daily life doesn't actually matter#makes me feel like my body is only useful when it can be used by others#hate that!#cw:#gynecology#ehlers danlos syndrome#postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome#ask to tag ig
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Song Taewon is an amazing character. But I kind of hate him. I mean, I get where his actions come from. Like, in the end it's for the safety of Yoojin. I hated how obsessively protective Yoohyun was of Yoojin. But it mellowed down somehow, and ultimately, he learns how to be protective without having to think if chaining up his brother. And Yoojin was also able to convince him to change his ways. But this man, Song Taewon. I understand how he is afraid of himself and hates himself amd think he's a monster and all, and I do feel for him. I kind of understand him too, like where it's all coming from. But like, it's for your own good so let me just choke you so that you know how dangerous S classes can be, and by giving you this trauma, you'll stay away from them. I understand there's a power imbalance between Yoojin and Yoohyun, and the S class brother can easily abuse the frail one. Taewon's right on that part. But his actions somehow make me think that he wants Yoojin to stay away and be afraid of his younger brother. Like, think about Yoojin's wishes here? Man knows how dangerous it is and he still chose to take the risk, because he knows it's worth it. And it's not like he was fairing any good without Yoohyun anyway. Drinking and smoking away, depression amd stuff (Eventhough it was mostly because of Yoohyun's later actions)
Song Taewon's like, lemme reduce the rank of your skill and proceeds to reduce the one skill that keeps him mentally sane? Like dude, do you know how many nightmares and trauma that fear resistance helps to keep at bay? I know he doesn't know it. But still. He did it so that Yoojin wouldn't come near the S classes and also so that the S classes won't salivate over his doubling skill. He felt the power and exhilaration and he liked it, it was addictive and he got afraid of it because it's hard to control his desire. But dude, it's Yoojin's own skill and he decides what to do with it. I understand if he was going around and murdering everybody or something. But he's literally what? Helping so that dungeon raids become easier and the society could be more at ease? Uprooting the association's corrupt parts? He's using his skills as he pleases without negatively affecting the world. And like, you come and do this sh*t? Who is he to decide this? For Yoojin's protection? Well congrats man, you just made his life more miserable. More nightmares, more trauma and anxiety. Yet he continues to do what he does, this time struggling even more. As if what he faced isn't already enough. You use your skill on another guy for his 'protection' but he cleary doesn't want you to, and you forced it on him. Like, dipsh*t, where's a person's freedom of choice here? What if the skill he deranked was one that reduces the pain he feels and what if Yoojin had some kind of chronic pain? Well, your decision to 'protect' him will cause him to go through hell! Isn't he a guy with self control? Can't he think?! I hated this about him.
But I do understand where he comes from. Doesn't make me hate him any less. It might've been the paranoia or something. And he might've thought it to be the best course of action.
But dude, if I had a dream of being a model, and my dad goes and says it's dangerous for you and there will be creepy people staring at you so you can't be one and forcefully make me chose another path, saying it's for my own protection, am I supposed to feel good? What about what I want to do? My freedom of choice? You can't just force me to do something I don't want to. It's not like I'm causing the society any harm by pursuing my dreams? (Just an example)
Song Taewon's a civil servant, he has duties and a very important role in the stability if the society. I understand. I also understand the inner turmoil he faces. But I hate him.
His dynamic with Yoojin and Sung Hyunjae is quite amusing though. I'm not shipping the three if them, I will never. But it is cute, like I'm introverted and unworthy of love, I'm a monster and the other two go aigoo, who's my little monster, my cuddly bug, you're so sweet, so big and intimidating but so cute. It's funny.
But I hate him to guts. Just my opinion though. I think his character is intresting and a little funny, but that's it.
#the s classes that i raised#song taewon#han yoojin#sung hyunjae#my thoughts on song taewon's actions#based on the latest episode of the manga#i don't like him#just my opinion#his dunamics woth the jinjae couple is funny#i understands him#a little#but i still hate him#I'm ranting cuz I'm frustrated#a rant
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Rant about my health and life coming it's alot so only do it if you're interested and also very important TW mention of end of life.
I am going to the hospital again tomorrow.
I had a break down last night. Saying I can't do it anymore.
If it wasn't for my cats, I would end it all.
Being in pain 24/7 drives you crazy.
I've been in survival mode so much that even certain organs don't function the way they should.
For people who maybe don't know. Our instincts come from back in the days where we had to maybe flee from a big animal for example. And when you have to survive, you can't get tired, because you need to run. You can't get hungry, cause you need to run. You can't feel happy or anything, because you can only think of survival.
I started to notice my morphine didn't do anything, neither did anything I took after. One day I took morphine, muscle relaxer, sleeping pills, and I felt NOTHING. No pain relief, not feeling high.
I also had my chronic migraines again, my period again. (I take meds for the chronic migraine and have to take the pill for my endometriosis)
Turns out I have gastric paralysis from the situation I'm in. So my meds didn't go in my blood etc, just straight through the body. Which is why nothing worked. I now need medication to to make my stomach work to.. Take my medication..
I have a depression again. I am $uicidal.
I won't hurt myself don't worry, I wouldn't leave my cats. My partner, best friends, my mom are also all suffering from my condition. As in it pains them to see this all and they care.
A condition doesn't only affect the person who feels it. But also the environment.
I went in this procedure with pain on 26th of September, and because it went wrong, I also came out of it with pain.
In total now when it comes to my face, I've been in pain and surviving for 6months now.
I am done. I need either a period that they say okay we'll give it 2 more months and then we really need to take steps, or give me pain relief NOW.
But just hearing '' it can take up to months until the nerves fix themselves, it could be okay '' doesn't cut it. Because sure they can heal in their own time, but I cannot be in pain for all those months? This isn't humane.
And then the doctor of the hospital called this morning after my mom reached out to them saying it can't continue like this. And we said specifically let the doctor call my mom. But then my phone rings, they called me. And I hear
'' - what do you want me to do..''
'' - I think it's important just to get you calm right now. ''
But I can come by tomorrow. With my mom because the issue is I am scared to stand up for myself and will say to quickly '' it's okay''. And it's not. Which is why we wanted them to talk to my mother.
After that call, I called my mom crying that they are pushing these meds on me that have a shit ton of side effects, I already take 7 pills a day (now even 10). And they wanna add more.
I don't wanna become a '' junkie'' depending on the morphine. Because i' m scared I often just sit through the agonizing pain. But if I don't get decent pain relief, I will have to dependant on it. Because if I have to do this for more months.. I am scared I will do something stupid eventually that will be unreturnable.
My best friend told me yesterday '' you have no quality of life. ''
And it's true. And he hates it, and I hate it aswell.
My mom then called to my doctors office (GP) the secretary picked up. She told me afterwards that she was crying to her that it's an emergency to please let her talk to my doctor. And they did. My mom also cried during that conversation. And my doctor agreed, it's going to far, someone needs to help. So he moved heaven and earth to say it like that and got me an appointment with another neurologist in another hospital, the 15th of January. It normally takes months. But he made it happen. And I swear.. This man.. Saved my life more times then he knows.
I am very nervous for tomorrow tho and if they will do something or just tell me again '' sorry it happened I wish I could do something but most likely after months it will heal. '' I feel rage, cause it's easy to say that when you aren't feeling it.
Today I also broke down at my chiropractor.
She said I looked pale. I said I had been crying for 2 days now. And when I told her that I felt suicidal, she said '' no no no, if you ever feel like you're gonna do something, you call me okay?? " and I cried and she hugged me. And then sat with me to talk. And she wants to take me out on walks in her private time.
I also have my psychologist tomorrow, she is also fighting to help me. Last time she literally took me in on the weekend in her private time.
I am glad for my support. But I just can't anymore.. The pain is driving me crazy. Which is also scientifically proven. Your brain changes.
So again, the fact that my content has changed so much is because of that.
Because I am not me.. Not anymore.
But hopefully I will find a way. Even just a little.
If you read all this, wow. You're a star. And thank you ❤️
And eventho I prefer not to let people see me this way. It's the truth, it's how bad it is, it's not pretty, I don't sleep, barely eat, don't feel feelings of fun, my skin is bad,.. But it's me. And because I love you guys, most of you are so lovely so it's only fair to share.
Love you.
#My illness#Chronic pain#Trigeminal neuralgia#Operation gone wrong#Facial pain#nerve pain#Chronic illness#My text
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Why I personally think: 'This is Love' by Air Traffic Control could be about being Disabled/Chronically Ill 🙏
This gets really long and I'm running on no sleep making this but I've had this thought for a while and I had a surge of energy 🙏
Starting out with the very first line of the song, the opening that sets the tone for the rest of the song: "You're no good, you're no good, you could kill me and you should." For me, when I first heard this line I correlated it with love, but as I thought more about it and attempted to think about the song without the context of knowing it was a type of 'love song' (I say this loosely) I began to think about it in the context of being disabled.
For a lot of people, finding out you're disabled (especially as a teenager/kid) can feel horrible, it's a damning feeling that leaves you feeling lost.
It feels like a type of death.
The death of a life you dreamed about, the death of dreams that kept you going, the death of having that typical romcom life, the death of a future you thought you could reach.
Which, only cements itself with the next line: "I'm an idiot for thinking, this was anything but blood,"
Being disabled/chronically ill, for as much as abled people want to deny it, is a fight. It's a constant battle against your body with no surrender in sight; it's something you learn about and then have to consistently sit at the table to find ways around it, to find things that help but will never lessen the bloodshed.
The next line, personally, is the one that cements the underlying subject of disability within the lyrics: "On the wall, on the couch, on the corner of my mouth. You must like being the victim, you've done nothing to get out of this pattern of pain."
Abled people tend to assume that disabled people are simply unwilling to 'get better' and just wish to wallow in their pain in order to garner sympathy (which is laughable) from abled people. Doctors along with regular people on the street will offer advice that isn't anything other than "if I can do it so can you," or "You're just not trying hard enough," and refuse to listen when disabled people say they've either already tried it and it doesn't work, or that they are physically/mentally incapable of doing it.
Chalking it up to 'laziness' instead if an inherent issue within the culture/systems we live in.
"Washed away by the rain, you'll forgive me if I promise, and do nothing but the same." This line, to me, speaks to many of our shared experiences and traumas surrounding doctors or medical practitioners. We continuously go to doctors, ready to fight for ourselves, advocate, and just want to be heard and nearly every time they ignore symptoms or refuse to help (especially in regards to afab people).
It's... Exhausting to say the least.
"This is life until death," being chronically ill/disabled is something you can never get rid of, it's a life long aspect of your life. "Could be my last dying breath," many chronic illness and disabilities can kill you. Whether it is by the illness/disability itself or by outwards circumstances (caregivers, hate crimes, malpractice, ect).
"But this is love, love, shut up, this is love," this line just reminds me of people telling you they love/care about you while also diminishing your disability or your needs.
"Forget everything you used to know," when you're newly diagnosed, or when it's finally confirmed, it feels like you have to forget who you used to be; finding new tools and new understandings that could make you feel like a new person entirely even if nothing changed. The "rules of life" that were previously understood were now worthless with this new sheet of societal rules we're meant to follow.
"I think you better tell your friends to go," it is extremely hard to have/keep friends as a disabled person. (Especially as a disabled teenager which is where I have most of my own experience from.) Often, when you're newly diagnosed the friends you have will pull themselves back. The knowledge that they might need to accommodate or that they might not get to do the same things as before can make a lot of abled people pull away from their disabled friends.
"Stick around cause I'm about to show you, the beginning is the end." (This connects to the above paragraph about how it could be the beginning of the end of a lot of relationships)
"Yeah, I know wrong, I know right, but I just love to pick a fight," this line just makes me think of people trying (Ill intentioned) to offer advice contrary to what you know works best for your body (especially doctors) where you're then labeled as argumentive or difficult.
"I can sleep with one eye open," I just interpret this as being hyper vigilant of your disability. "If there's any sleep at night."
"I got my knife, got my gun," Your medication, "Let's see how fast you can run, you might think that you can hurt me but the damage has been done." I just thought about the medication chasing the disability and thought that was kinda funny. I could go deeper with this but it's already getting long.
"It's pathetic, I know, a jealous fool who won't let go." This line just personally hit me in the gut because for so long I was jealous of my friends who could live their lives without needing to make sure they would be safe or without planning ahead so they didn't end up hospitalized/in a flare and unable to move. For a long time I refused to let go of the wants I had for my future that I realized if never be able to get to, it was a mourning process they didn't understand which only made me even more jealous.
"If I was sorry for my actions, would I ever stoop so low?" This just made me think of all the times I had to apologize for being sick/unable to do something and it pissed me off so that's all I'm gonna say.
"Got no reason to live," Again, it just made me think of the mourning process that tends to happen when you have to let go of the life you wanted to live in the life you got.
"And I've got nothing left to give you, but my love!" This line felt like those moments when you're trying really hard, when you're putting all your tools and spoons into doing something and trying to keep other people from needing to accommodate only to be told you're not trying hard enough.
"Oh, I was hit as a kid," (refer to top paragraph)
"I was good but then I quit," most chronic illnesses that "don't show" in childhood usually get worse during puberty when your hormones are all fucked up and messy. Hensel feeling both like it's always been there and that it just spawned one day.
"Everyone that tried to fix me knows that I can't change a bit." Just...the constant ring-around of doctors that have been either unable to diagnose or unable to help.
"I've got no shame, got no pride, only skeletons to hide." Just, that odd feeling where a lot of people feel like they need to hide their disabilities to the best of their ability.
"And if you try to talk to someone, well then someone has to die." This just makes me think about the disabilities hiding themselves (or unconscious masking to the best of their ability) in front of Doctors, like they're a vampire hiding from the sun.
"Once you chase me down the hole," or once you try and figure the disability out, "yeah once you think you're in control," when you've been able to manage it for a few weeks or months or even years, "you'll believe that we are partners and you'll feel uncomfortable." or the classic "was I really that bad or was I just being dramatic" feeling that comes with feeling too good for long periods of time.
"Oh then the darkness rolls in," a flare, or a bad day. "And you'll forget who I have been," how to manage it.
"The simple love that your grandparents had, this kind of love will only make you mad." Realising that finding a partner will also include making sure it's someone that is okay with being "with a disabled person" which is, for some reason, not something people are okay with. 🙄
"It hurts at first but it ain't that bad," the beginning tends to be the worst but once you understand your body and it's limits it's not hard to "deal with" (I can't think of another word for what I mean) anymore. "You gotta wonder what it meant."
Anyway, this got really long but relating love songs (I use the term loosely) to the relationship disabled/chronically ill people tend to have with their disabilities. So.... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
#disability#actually disabled#disabled#disability awareness#music analysis#music interpretation#please dont start discourse#this is a friendly post#actually chronically ill#chronic fatigue#chronic illness#chronic pain#chronically ill#disabled people
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