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#also did a quick magazine edit for them
onebadnoodle · 11 months
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[WEAPONIZED PANTS] they're like pants but can kill
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jimhines · 1 year
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2022 Writing Income
It’s that time again – for fifteen years now I’ve been writing an annual blog post about my income as a writer. Money tends to be an uncomfortable, even taboo topic, but I think it’s important to help counter the myths that we’re all multimillionaires living in Glass Onion-style mansions. (Side note: If anyone wants to pay millions of dollars for my book, I’ll happily update this blog post from my private island mansion.)
Remember, every writer’s career is different, and I’m only one data point.
Prior Years: Here are the annual write-ups going back to 2007: 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021.
In 2016, instead of a personal income write-up, I did a survey of almost 400 novelists about their income.
My Background: I’m a primarily “traditionally published,” U.S.-based SF/F author with 15 books in print from major New York publishers. The first of those books came out from DAW in 2006. I have an agent, and have been with them since about 2004.
I’ve self-published a middle grade fantasy and a few short collections. I’ve also sold about 50 short stories to different magazines and anthologies.
I’ve never hit the NYT or USA Today bestseller lists.
I’m currently the sole parent of a teenager (at home) and a 22-year-old (at college). I have a day job that’s just over half-time, both for the paycheck and the benefits.
2022 in Summary: There’s no gentle way to say this. The last several years have kind of sucked. Losing my wife to cancer in 2019 completely derailed my writing. I was hoping 2022 would be a comeback year, but life had other plans…
I did write and sell two new short stories and one nonfiction piece, which was nice. I’ve got a finished middle grade book that’s been on submission for a while. I finished a standalone fantasy that’s been sitting with my publisher for a while.
Normally, my editor is pretty quick about responding, but last year wasn’t normal for DAW, either. DAW was acquired by Astra House. A lot of their time and energy went into that deal. I’m hoping for the best, but things still haven’t settled into the new “normal.”
Last year did see the release — finally — of Terminal Peace, the third book in the Janitors of the Post-Apocalypse series. I’m thrilled and relieved to see that book in print, but it came out right in the middle of the Astra House acquisition, which may have impacted things like promotion and publicity.
I also finished the first draft and started revising a new standalone middle grade fantasy with series potential.
2022 Income: The biggest check was the publication payment for Terminal Peace. All total, before taxes and various expenses, the writing brought in $13,957.16. While that’s absolutely nothing to sneer at, and I’m grateful for the success, it’s also a dropoff from the past couple of years. To be blunt, if you look at the cumulative graph, things have been slumping a bit.
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Income Breakdown:
Patreon has been a small but steady and helpful source of income. My thanks to everyone for that!
As usual, my U.S. novels are the biggest piece of the pie. The short fiction category is a bit higher this year, thanks to those two new stories. I didn’t self-publish anything new in 2022, but if that middle grade book doesn’t sell, I’d like to publish that one later this year.
Novels (U.S. editions): $8,542.83
Novels (Non-U.S. editions): $473.25
Self-Published: $1158.24
Short fiction: $892.86
Audio: $521.04
Patreon: $1668.94
Other: $700
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I mentioned earlier that things have been in a bit of a slump, and I need to focus on breaking out of that. Some things I can’t currently control. Tomorrow I could wake up to an offer from DAW on the book they’ve got, and maybe an email from my agent that the middle grade title he’s been shopping around went to auction and got a six-figure advance. But I can’t make these things happen.
Priority #1 is to keep writing. If I’m not doing that, other goals are pretty much moot.
Priority #2 is to figure out some alternate options. It may be time to put more time and effort into self-publishing as a complement to my traditionally published work.
The biggest thing making me anxious is that I’m pretty much out of contract. The paperback of Terminal Peace comes out this year, but for the first time in about 15 years, I don’t have the security, the luxury, or the deadlines of a signed contract. In some ways, this is freeing: I can write whatever I want. But there’s no guarantee as to when things will see print. Submitting to the traditional publishers is a long, slow process…
From talking to other writers who’ve been doing this a while, I’ve learned that pretty much every career has its ups and downs. Personal, pandemic, and publisher issues have been a bit of a perfect storm for me these past few years, but I’m not going anywhere. After 27 years as a writer, I’m excited to see what comes next.
Wrap Up:
I hope this has been helpful. As always, feel free to share the post and/or ask questions.
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accio-victuuri · 5 months
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of photoshoots, hot search, pants & bjyx 🫶🏼
i’m putting this out now incase i get busy at work later and won’t have the time to compose a post. but this is the cpn and some thoughts on what happened this morning. aside from us barely surviving bazaar’s attack! those photos are amazing! i haven’t recovered yet and i cannot wait for the interview ✌🏼
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( using this as a header cause the photographer said it’s their fave)
days before this release, there were already some melons about the magazine cover. i personally shared the one about wyb cause the source seemed legit and fan clubs were confirming too. aside from that, it was also supposedly the day that marie claire will release teasers for xz’s january cover. tho i remember hearing before that his is supposed to be march. again, we can never be so sure with these melons. magazines don’t really care about overlapping with their release cause it depends on the season/month. today for example, there are 3 other magazine covers released aside from yibo’s.
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however it’s interesting that it didn’t happen between xz and wyb. they totally could. even just the teaser wouldn’t hurt. i may just be clowning too hard and going by their pattern of not having their project overlap but i think this is an example. or maybe the melons were all false.
Anyway, this morning, xz marie claire was on hot search cause the teaser was supposedly gonna be posted 10:05 but there was nothing. which is not surprising cause it was a rumor. it was funny tho how people were effectively clowned 😂😂😂
it’s v interesting to see both their names + magazine cover on hs. this is why magazines would always love to feature them cause of the audience they bring. aside from the quality and professionalism too. years later, they are still relevant and will be for a long time!
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there are also some side by side edits by cpfs because of the tank top they wore. they really do match! tho a small part of me is kinda wary when things like this are shared cause it could easily be picked up and used as xz vs wyb by brainless yxh. for international spaces the likelihood of that is small so it’s really more on weibo.
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the fans have good intentions and i understand the tendency to but their similar shoots side by side and all that— i guess i’m just paranoid at times 🙃🙃
their beauty is so effortless!!!! and they both gravitate towards keeping things simple & real.
this too, the curls! the hair! i will forever be thankful that the military haircut era is over and hopefully shall never return!
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the shoot also made wyb’s lip mole more pronounced. it reminds of the fake rumor that wyb said xz took away his mole. lol. he didn’t! it’s still there and they match 🫶🏼
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MY FAVORITE THO IS HOW XIAO ZHAN WENT ONLINE REAL QUICK then went offline again. I remember probably 11:48? and he was online for 13 minutes. Some were low key in panic mode cause what if he posts something? Is he gonna share something about Marie Claire? It’s on HS already so it would make sense. But no. This bitch went online and dipped 😂😂😂😂
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The posting for WYB’s materials was 11-12 so he went at the perfect time when all the photos are already released. So we are clowning that he is online to see the photos and save them all . Did he forget he was on his main and not side account? LOL. What a coincidence. Out of all the days and timeframe he can go online for bit, it’s now? When a certain someone’s magazine content is being released? 👀👀👀👀
Lastly, the pants WYB wore for the shoot is by Courreges which is the same brand ( not exact same pants okay? ) that XZ wore when he went to Singapore. Yes, the one we were clowning about. What a coincidence! 👁️👄👁️
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that’s all. i might post another part to this if something comes up. happy monday ^^ 🦋
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rusmii · 7 months
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𝑐𝑒𝑙𝑒𝑏 𝑓𝑎𝑚𝑜𝑢𝑠!
> famous!chuuya
╰ back to navi
NOT proofread
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"and you guys will never guess who we managed to have appeared on the fimmy jallon show!!! DRUM ROLL PLEASE??? — THERE HE IS!!!-"
famous!chuuya, who's so famous, he appears on every reality tv show/broadcast/magazine/etc. you name it, he's mentioned somewhere there. every agency/company is always trying to recruit him. "thank you for having me here!" he repeats every time, or, "sorry, maybe next year? my schedule is kind of full at the moment." well which ever one that happens, he's the IT person for any advertising/marketing.
famous!chuuya, who's so gorgeous, has raised the standard for modeling. he gets paid in high numbers just to take some pictures for a brand, you'd have to book him a year prior to be able to have him avaliable for you. "like this?" he asks; always asking for opinions on his poses and strikes. he's always the one to edit his pictures, for some reason he's so good at editing but no one's complaining when it turns out perfect.
famous!chuuya who sits in his seat, vip seat to be exact— at any place or event, there is always a special spot reserved for people like him. chuuya always making sure to secure special tickets for his closest friends that weren't normally allowed with him. usually having to go to another event straight after the one before, he barely has any time to spare.
"oh my god!! chuuya posted!!!"
"he did??!"
"just a second ago!!!"
famous!chuuya, who's not just treated as a famous celebrity in real life, but also online. as soon as he posts a picture, his fans are quick to secure a screenshot and commenting all sorts of loving things. chuuya, back then used to read every comment who supported him when he was first starting out, he memorized his very first supporters and usually replies to their comments first with a quick "thanks!<3".
famous!chuuya who has a very large following count, into the millions close to hitting a billion. no matter what platform he makes an account on, he always garnishes millions of followers that following day/night. despite his large social contacts, he only follows a small number of people; his friends. he doesn't follow other celebs unless they manage to befriend him, so even if you're a nobody to the world- chuuya will still follow you nevertheless.
famous!chuuya who never accepts friends requests from other people in games, he only ever strictly plays with his friends only. the only exception to this rule is if he's hosting some kind of tournament to win something; probably a personal fan meeting with him in person or a large amount of cash.
"ugh! why won't he accept my tinder match?!"
despite his life, famous!chuuya won't let it hinder his intimate life. he has dating apps open for one night stands/hookies, the people he fucks usually come out with a review of 5 stars. telling others that he's a good fuck if you want someone to absolutely dominate and take care of you at the same time. chuuya has a preference for brats, he likes taming them but he also would want them to be emotionally mature.
famous!chuuya who doesn't settle for less, his partners need to be able to keep with him. whether if it's in the bedroom or in the workforce, chuuya is always quick on his feet and you would need to be to if you don't want him to drop you. sure he's loyal, but his partners usually aren't there for his love now are they? he'd be able to distinguish true love and a minor inconvenience pretty easily given his past. sure he's dated a few times around but none of them last; every single fight about him not being able to spend time with them, leading to the other to cheat on/leave him.
"new song just dropped, stream it!"
famous!chuuya who always held the title as prince of rock. his little gig of making music starting to take off quickly, and soon he was also making music for other people. it evolved to him composing music for multiple other people at once, until people knew who he was today. you could say that he probably is a celebrity instead of just a really famous person but he doesn't want to forget his origins and how he started out; he's humble like that.
famous!chuuya who never left his band members behind even after he got famous, everywhere he went, they went with them. you could say they were like his personal bodyguards. always protecting him whenever they arrive from or to an airport; they do one hell of a job at it. chuuya insists on paying them a wage but they don't take that offer up; an immense trust in chuuya to not leave them behind like how other famous people leave their friends.
"why is chuuya following this random person??"
"what? who?"
" 'dunno, look "y/n" is in their bio, probably their name?"
and lastly, famous!chuuya who doesn't forget who you are. his very first supporter and follower on his platform where he started posting his bands music. he remembered how you promoted his music, streamed his music, and attended every single one of his concerts held at your hometown. every now and then chuuya clicks on your profile to check how you're doing. viewing and liking your stories ; tapping on your recent post and liking it, you've earned the jealousy of many.
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°° ©churuai ; don't repost my works to other sites, copy/plagiarize my works, or translate my works into a different language without my permission. if you intend to use most of my ideas from a post of mine, please don't forget to credit ♡
rbs and comments appreciated <3<3
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fayrinferno · 5 months
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The (printed) collection
From time to time I get a question like, "do you have this or that book?" So, a few weeks back, I finally took them all out of their hiding place and grabbed some photos. Wish I had used my camera instead of phone, I had to stand on a chair to get it all and yeah, the picture is not the sharpest.
Anyway, I have some other stuff, figures and such, although I admittedly DO focus more on books as an artist/writer/translator. These books are the ones I translate from so I wasn't going for mint conditions, although a few of them are. You can see some of them still packed in the store bags. I included the CDs cause... well, they were next to the books and they do have some printed material as well.
The Shiren Suiki book gets a separate photo cause after taking the photos at home I realized I had left it at work when I scanned it... practically crying as I did cause it was barely opened when I bought it and it's a beautiful book. My Anvils are also very fragile.
I may do a complete list one day but for now, here are the quick descriptions.
ARTBOOKS & FANBOOKS I have pretty much all of the major official books I think, missing maybe 1-2 pieces. The one that may look less familiar is Hiroshi Osaka's personal artbook. I also have four of the relevant Nobuteru Yuuki artbooks. The bottom right one with the orange title is the issue of Newtype Magazine with a feature about Esca.
SMALLER BOOKS (let's pretend that's a category) Here I got all the novels (they are out of their sleeves cause I was working on them), all the filmbooks, Secrets of Escaflowne, Escaflowne Bible, and the Energist Memories manga/doujin collection.
DOUJINSHI I was mostly going for stuff I haven't seen online so I only got a handful. Besides the Shiren Suiki book, there are three Minato Tajima doujins (one of them is racy heh but I'm not hiding that I have it). One of the other doujins may look unfamiliar; it's a compilation book that includes other series (the character on the cover is from DN Angel). People who talk to me on Discord probably recognize the Nanoka doujinshi cover.
CDs AND THE LIKE I don't have all the soundtracks for some reason, probably cause I thought the missing ones wouldn't be hard to get. The PSX game is the special edition with the tarot cards. The LDs that I literally bought just for the covers and inlays. I also have all the audio dramas, some CDs with extras... and a phone card that was for some reason packed in a CD case lol (kidding, it's precious that they would give it that kind of protection). Oh, and there are two movie posters which I guess don't fall under either category.
I have some other stuff that is kinda related to Esca "by association" such as by artist or things that "looked similar" but I didn't include them. Also the figures. I may update this post with those but this is the brunt of it. I will be posting some goodies from these soon!
Same goes for the ongoing translations that I've been doing updates on in this post. Life is too short to delay them for months and years because of perfectionism, or rather, being self conscious about one's imperfect language skills. I am thankful to everyone who has helped me so far, proofreading my translations (coverteyes, pikafwance, sevenstars, and radical-rad1986)... I'm not tagging you guys but know that I'm VERY grateful, also to the other people who are helping me with other projects). I always had fun working together with you but it's no longer sustainable and I likely bit off more than I can chew. So I will get myself out of the way. There are two books that are almost complete as of today so I will just probably go chapter by chapter. I hope to be done with this asap but also December is a busy month for me so I'm not sure how smoothly it will go. Let's hope it does.
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skepsiss · 7 months
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Stories of Youth - Microfic - Steddie
Decided to try out the microfic this month! @steddiemicrofic The prompt this month was "Suck." I also wanted to prove to myself that I can write just fluff. **Edit: I've updated this to 480 words. I misunderstood the assignment and thought the prompt was 300-600 words, not a firm 480. Anyways, slightly updated.** Length: 480 | Rating: G | CW: Sexual themes
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“You asked her that?” Eddie gasped, leaning forward and invading Steve’s space.
They were sitting on their new double mattress, freshly made and wonderfully plush under them both. They were both seated cross-legged with Eddie holding his own ankles as he teetered like a child while Steve leaned back on his hands, lounging. 
“I was 13,” Steve replied, rolling his eyes despite the smile that was spreading across his face, a touch embarrassed.
Steve liked it when they chatted like this; it felt good to just sit on their bed and talk about their youth without any real weight to the conversation. There was still so much he didn’t know about Eddie and he liked that they could ramble at one another and feel closer for it.
“Yeah, but you literally asked her how to give a hickey?” Eddie asked, snickering to himself, tipping to the side. 
“I had like under a minute to react. What was I supposed to do? Run to the bathroom and frantically flip through magazines until I found something?” Steve was acting more annoyed than he actually was, relishing in how Eddie giggled and squeezed his own stomach with joy. 
“Did you do it right?” Eddie asked, wiping at his cheek as if to check if he was crying from laughter
“Decently…” Steve hummed, honestly not sure if he remembered how good the hickey had been. 
Eddie just smiled and crawled the last few feet toward Steve, putting his arms over Steve’s shoulders. He was obviously smitten, and there was a softness to his look that made Steve’s stomach flutter. 
“I’m a lot better at it now,” Steve teased, lifting his chin slightly as Eddie dipped so their lips brushed together. 
“Yeah?” Eddie asked coyly.
Steve lifted his hands to hold Eddie’s hips, grinning at him before rolling Eddie so his back hit the mattress. Eddie shrieked a quick laugh, still smiling broadly as he gazed up at Steve. 
“Want me to show you?” Steve asked, shifting his own weight and slowly ducking in to kiss Eddie’s chin and along his jaw. 
“That a promise, loverboy?” Eddie chuckled, an airy quality to his voice as if he was trying to hide just how badly he wanted it. 
“I’ll make the sacrifice,” Steve teased gently, kissing down to Eddie’s neck and starting to nip and suck lightly at his skin, not leaving marks just yet. 
“How brave of you to bear this cross,” Eddie sighed dramatically, running his hands up Steve’s arms to perch on his shoulders. “I’ll make sure to grade your performance when you’re done.”
Steve clicked his tongue with annoyance and bit down hard on the junction between Eddie’s neck and shoulder, getting a shocked gasp in response. Eddie squirmed under him, his legs kicking out slightly, before eventually he settled into a groan, his hands eagerly seeking out Steve’s skin for more.
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em-dash-press · 6 months
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What Is Flash Fiction?
You don’t have to write novel-length manuscripts to be a professional or hobby writer. You can also learn to conquer the world of flash fiction. Check out this quick guide to learn everything you need to know about the genre.
What Is Flash Fiction?
Flash fiction is a literature genre of short fictional stories. They can range from a few words to a few pages.
Although you’ll see word counts thrown around by well-meaning writers, the recommended length of a flash fiction story is typically set by the publisher printing them or the contest accepting them.
History of Flash Fiction
People have been telling stories likely since the beginning of time. We’ve seen them etched on cave walls and tablets across thousands of years.
There’s also a long history of verbal flash fiction. Cultures passed down their mythologies and lore by telling the same short stories to each new generation. 
A Western view of history might say that short stories began with Aesop’s fables in the 4th century BCE. However, Vishnu Sharma wrote the Panchatantra around 200 BCE. 
Since then, writers like Kate Chopin, Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah, Xiao Hong, and more have made history with their short stories. It’s a genre full of potential but it’s often overlooked by those who believe the pinnacle of writing to be publishing novels.
Characteristics of Flash Fiction
The Page or Word Count
This factor changes depending on the publisher’s preferences. A team making a small chapbook for an indie press might say their flash fiction submissions can only be 500 words maximum. A creative writing magazine could have more pages for story submissions, so their flash fiction guidelines have a 2,000-word maximum.
Publishers can also change their preferences with each publication. A quarterly short story journal may need more page space for advertisers, so they require shorter stories for their fall edition than they did for their summer print.
Always check the guidelines to ensure you’re within the word count for any submission request you find. It’ll be alongside other guidelines like the accepted genres.
Standard Plot Points
Flash fiction is just like longer fiction — it almost always has a beginning, an inciting incident, a middle, and an end. Unless you’re writing for an experimental submission, try working these into your extra short stories. (Experimental calls for submissions may accept a paragraph or a sentence that tells a story without necessarily having all of these things.)
A Strong Sense of Place
Novels get the luxury of plot progression. You can let your characters introduce themselves to your reader gradually. As the plot unfolds, your readers will get more invested. They know there’s a great depth of story about to come.
Flash fiction has to snap the reader’s attention to your work. They’re reading it because it’s a faster form of literature. Your story needs a strong sense of place to ground it, so make your world-building vivid from the start.
You can rely on the traditional five senses to describe your initial scene and use the next few paragraphs or pages to bring the limited world to life through your character’s experiences.
Specific Word Choice
Flash fiction writers have less space to get their point across. The eventual editing that follows is going to be much sharper. Ensure that every sentence serves a purpose and you stand behind every word. If you’re unsure what you meant by something, it’s a waste of valuable page space.
Typically Fast Pacing
Most readers expect a faster story with flash fiction. They know they’re going to get a satisfying experience for 10 to 30 minutes of their time. Ensure your pacing is quick, regardless of how many traditional plot points your story actually has.
A traditional novel-length or even short story manuscript might throw in a scene for just character development or just plot. Flash fiction combines both. Give every scene a purpose to make your extra short stories successful.
Limited Character Rosters
Unfortunately for character readers, flash fiction also presents less time to get to know tons of people. However, many novels become hits with a primary core cast of three to five characters, so the number you choose for your flash fiction really depends on your story.
Introduce your characters within your pacing instead of setting up scenes to meet them outside of your plot. This goes back to giving every scene a purpose to speed up your pacing. If your reader only needs to feel engaged with one or two characters to understand what you’re telling them through your story, it’ll be a greater success compared to flash fiction that leaves many characters undeveloped.
Examples of Flash Fiction
6 Words: “For sale: baby shoes, never worn” by Ernest Hemingway (Supposedly)
Although we’re not sure who actually wrote this famous flash story, Ernest Hemingway often gets the credit. It tells a story by letting the reader fill in the gaps. It tells you what the story is about—a baby and the loss of it—but you get to imagine why. It makes the story effective because many people have experienced loss (of their babies or otherwise) and can relate to the guttural emptiness behind the fictional ad.
681 Words: “Girl” by Jamaica Kincaid
This non-traditional flash fiction appears in creative writing classes because it’s a unique take on the genre. It uses a stream-of-consciousness approach to talk about girlhood and the complex relationship between a girl and her mom. Layered in between the stitched-together sentences are positive aspects of that same concept. I highly recommend reading it to transform how you think about story formatting.
1,159 Words: “Riddle” by Ogbewe Amadin
In less than 1,200 words, Amadin tells a story about how there are complex layers between the concepts of good and evil. The twist ending leaves readers questioning how they feel about the story’s message. It doesn’t always take a novel-length manuscript to keep readers thinking about your work long after they finish the last page.
How to Write Flash Fiction
1. Develop Your Characters
Character development is about more than their physical appearance or quirky traits. What do your characters care about? What are their relationships with each other?
Most importantly, know why each character matters. They each have to lend something to your theme or plot progression.
2. Make Everything Feel Real
You don’t need 100,000 words to make a fictional world come to life. You can use tools like vivid imagery, symbolism, the five senses, and even your characters’ relationships to help the reader sink into your story.
You’ll know you need to work on this element of your flash fiction if it reads more like dry narration than an in-depth experience.
3. Weave an Ever-Present Theme
Your story has to stay focused on why you’re writing it. That’s also known as your theme. If you ask yourself what each plot point does for the purpose of your theme, your flash fiction will become more to the point and purposeful.
4. Edit With Different Eyes
When it comes to publishing flash fiction, everything is about getting to the right word count for submission. Make sure you polish your grammar (a general spell-check tool is helpful in addition to software like Grammarly). You don’t want to waste your limited word count on things that don’t advance your plot or theme.
Common Mistakes to Avoid When Writing Flash Fiction
1. Not Writing With Theme In Mind
It’s easy to start a new story when you’re excited about a character, concept, or scene. It’s much harder to write a great story if you finish it and submit it for publication without identifying its theme.
Always match your flash fiction to at least one overarching theme. Without it, your story will feel aimless. It’s not good for flash fiction or any other type of creative writing.
2. Not Including a Twist
Stories always need at least one twist. That includes a super short flash fiction manuscript. Whether the twist is emotional, physical, or circumstantial, it should make the reader feel something because they’re already connected with and care about your characters.
3. Not Remembering Your Audience
Consider your potential audience’s demographics. You can also consider the potential publisher’s demographics if you have a specific contest or submission call in mind.
How will your audience best receive or learn from your theme? Is it something they’ll better understand through a shocking plot twist or do they need emotional development?
The audience’s age range and general reading interests play a big role in these decisions. It’s a good thing to reflect on before writing any type of story.
-----
Anyone can study flash fiction from an academic perspective with guides like this one. Break the genre apart to understand how it works, what makes it successful, and why readers like it. You’ll develop these skills in your creative practice to get started with your own short stories.
FAQs About Flash Fiction
What Is Flash Fiction?
Flash fiction is a short creative writing genre that includes stories between six and 2,000 words.
What Are the Flash Fiction Genres?
Writers can create stories of any subgenre when writing a flash fiction manuscript. If you want to write science fiction, fantasy, romance, or any other type of story, you can make it within a flash fiction format.
Who Publishes Flash Fiction?
Publishers calling for flash fiction may want shorter stories for various editions of their magazines, newsletters, journals, or contests. You can find groups publishing flash fiction by browsing incredible databases like Chill Subs or collecting submission calls through independent Google searches.
What Is the Rule for Flash Fiction?
Don’t go over your word count limit! Check the publisher’s requested word count and write within that framing. If you have a pre-written story you’d like to submit, you’ll need to make a copy and edit it down to the correct word count.
If you like what you see, please consider using the tip feature on my posts! I run this site for free, but will always appreciate the financial support. 💙
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madas-ahatters-world · 5 months
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Day 1: Plead
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Thanks to @bitbybitwrites for sharing this challenge with me, it's always fun when we do these challenges together! And to @klaineadvent for putting this Klaine fun together.
A day late, but here is Day 1 - plead:
It’d been a long day, and all Kurt wanted to do was put their seven-year-old twins to bed after an eventful day of Christmas shopping (and fighting off the urge to impulse shop for himself), and stuff his face with Ben and Jerry’s until his gorgeous husband arrived home. He then had plans to drag him upstairs to their bedroom, rip off his clothes, and devour him all. Night. Long.
Well, at least until midnight.
1:00 am tops. Their twins still tend to wake up at the crack of dawn.
It had been an hour past when he was due home, Kurt already having gone through a pint and a half of Minter Wonderland drizzled in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, when Blaine walked through the door of their very elaborate Christmas-decorated brownstone.
“I’m in the kitchen,” Kurt called out, having heard Blaine walk through their front door.
Blaine removed his jacket and hung it on the coat rack along with his work satchel, and walked toward the kitchen, undoing his bow tie. He found Kurt sitting on an island stool, in their kitchen, spoon hanging from his mouth, hunched over casually reading the latest holiday edition of Vogue.
“Hey baby, sorry I’m late.” Blaine greeted tiredly, tie undone, unbuttoning the first two clasps of his shirt. He leaned in gracefully to kiss Kurt on his lips, Kurt removing the spoon from his mouth, and meeting Blaine’s mouth on queue.
“Mmm, you taste delicious,” Blaine said flirtatiously, going in for another kiss.
Kurt chuckled as Blaine opened the refrigerator to grab a beer.
“I hadn’t intended on eating a pint and a half of this stuff, but - I was sitting here all alone, with no one to keep me company,” he said teasingly. “So, you know,” he shrugged, “when in Rome!” Kurt raised his dessert in a mock toast and returned to looking at his magazine.
Blaine was casually leaning his hip against the counter. “You’re so dramatic,” he said smiling at Kurt, as he brought the bottle of alcohol to his lips.
They were both feeling the itch, sexual tension now in full effect as their intimate needs had taken a backseat when the holiday season approached.  This was the busiest time of year for them both, juggling home life, work, and kids. Life got busy, and by the time they got home each evening, they didn’t have enough energy to take care of each other the way they loved. The way they always craved. 
“You’d be too if you spent the day fighting off savage Christmas shoppers with two 7-year-olds,” he replied, with mock snark and a flirtatious side-eye. Kurt flipped the page of his magazine as Blaine stood by the counter, seductively drinking his beer. Even though his glance was quick, Blaine could see his pleading eyes. He heard him loud and clear.
“Kids asleep?” Blaine asked taking another long sip.
“Of course,” Kurt replied. “They were exhausted by the time we got home. I made them a quick dinner, they took a bath, and knocked out in record time.” He flipped to another page.
Blaine placed his drink on the counter, proceeding to slowly untuck his shirt from his chinos. He sensuously ran his fingers through his hair, breaking apart those gelled-down curls. Kurt loved it when he did that.
Blaine walked over to Kurt, hugged him from behind, and began peppering his neck and jaw with delicate kisses.
“Have you taken a bath?” He asked in a low sultry voice.
“No. I was hoping we’d get dirty together and then soak in one after.” 
“After all these years, I love that you still feel the need to flirt with me.” Blaine chuckled.  “You know I’m a for sure thing, right?”
“But flirtatious foreplay is so much more fun,” Kurt smirked. “We’ve been so busy the last few weeks, I thought we could do with a little ice cream play. I also bought some chocolate syrup and whipped cream." Kurt winked. 
“Chocolate syrup, huh? You really do mean business,” Blaine teased.
“Mhm,” Kurt nodded, turning his head just enough to catch Blaine’s lips for a more heated kiss.
“Well then, Mr. Hummel-Anderson,” he said with one more lip smack. "Let’s get this ice cream social started.”
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armoricaroyalty · 5 months
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Like every other terminally online person, I did go ahead and watch the new hbomberguy plagiarism video.
It really resonated with me. When I had my old blog, I was plagiarized by someone with a much larger following, and the feeling of "oh, you thought I was so insignificant and so unimportant that you could just take my work and pass it off as your own." The sheer disrespect of it is what's stuck with me, years later, even after this person went inactive.
One thing though -- the copied work was noticeably worse than my original. They remade a magazine cover edit I'd made (referenced the same IRL magazine, used the same pose, took the picture from the same angle) but it was worse in every way. The composition was worse, the spacing between design elements was off, everything. And that's because people who copy do it because they're not creative and they're bad at what they do. They can mechanically reproduce the work of other people, but they don't understand why the original works or how. They can't infuse their own work with that spark that makes it authentic and engaging because they just don't have the skills or originality.
Notably, these people are always so quick to accuse others of copying them. It's insecurity and projection, sure, but I also think it's a reflection of their own creative bankruptcy. They've got such stunted inner lives that they genuinely can't fathom that others could develop something original independent of them. They've got no ability to distinguish between actual imitation and the use of similar tropes in the same genre. They're extremely threatened by anyone doing anything similar to them, because they know their sad little imitations can't really hold up next to an actual, original work.
Not really sure where I'm going with this, except to say that plagiarizing others is a huge self-own and a tacit admission that you're a loser without any good or interesting ideas of your own. Simply could not be me.
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Jump Author Survey -- Gege Akutami
From "The Shonen Jump Guide to Making Manga"
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What knowledge would have benefited you when starting your manga career?
I wish my managing editor had sat me down and said, "Make your word balloons bigger," and "Don't break up your word balloons so much."
What did you do first after deciding to become a manga author (e.g., practicing, strategizing, etc.)? And/or, did you have an efficient way to practice?
Get in the habit of finishing what you start. Work on your ability to explain, in words, what you find exciting or boring about a given series. I found myself unable to focus on the art, so I would just do lots of quick, sketchy figuring drawings (croquis). When I do a properly lit and shaded sketch (dessin) nowadays, I regret that I didn't adopt that habit sooner. I also regret having created so many rough storyboards, but basically no finished drafts.
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What are you mindful of when revising your own storyboards (either when self-editing or taking advice from editorial)?
Since my work is published in a magazine for children, I'm always sure to listen when an editor tells me, "This part is hard to understand."
I try to plan out my storyboards with a strong sense of overall balance, and there've been many times when adjusting them based on the advice of others felt like removing pieces from a Jenga tower, which led to collapse and failure. Changing minor details is fine, but generally, I'd rather put in the work and start over from scratch instead of fixing up a bunch of things in my storyboards.
Is there any way you could have been better prepared before your serialization began?
I wish I'd had more experience doing proper drafts.
What do you bear in mind when creating manga (e.g., personal themes and throughlines)?
I'm not trying to get people from my own generation to come away thinking I have good taste.
What's your approach to creating strong, memorable characters?
Their mere appearance should elicit big laughs. Emphasis through repetition. Some sort of jarring discrepancy between expectations and reality.
How should one practice creating those strong characters?
It comes down to imagining how other people will feel about your characters. Which is hard.
How many works/pages did you create leading up to your first real submission? How many works/pages from that first submission until your magazine debut?
Around age twenty, I tried to get my first short work (that is, a completed draft) into a magazine called Aoharu. I called about bringing in my work, but they sort of blew me off in a noncommittal way, so I gave up.
After that, I got two different one-shots into a sister magazine, two more one-shots in Weekly Shonen Jump, a four-chapter serialization in the monthly magazine (That run would eventually become Jujutsu Kaisen volume 0), and then finally my serialization in WSJ.
Between my first one-shot in the sister magazine and my second one in the main magazine, I honed my skills working under Kano Sensei (Kiss x Death).
What's your approach to creating manga that's readable?
I let my art blast right past the safety and trim lines in order to guide the reader's eye. That said, I tend to sacrifice readability for what I find interesting, so don't treat me like some kind of role model.
How long does it take to create the storyboards for a single nineteen page chapter of manga?
It depends on the chapter, but usually around half a day. The weird thing is, even when I've got the story all thought out and I'm not unsure of anything, it can take me twelve hours or more just to get started on the storyboards (which only end up taking six or seven hours to finish). If, like me, you're the type of person who spends three hours psyching yourself up for a thirty-minute task, you might be in trouble if you're ever serialized in a manga magazine.
How long does it take you to finish the full draft for a single nineteen-page chapter of manga?
About five days. My focus is absolute garbage.
Beyond creating your storyboards, what do you do to come up with ideas and plot points for your work?
I recommend reading short stories (prose). Some of my best ideas come to me when I'm imagining how I would flesh out a short story into something longer.
Is there anything you referenced when creating your one-shots?
Collections of shorts from Haruko Ichikawa and Tomoko Yamashita Sensei. With one-shots, I'm thinking it might be better to make everything revolve around the intimate human drama, rather than the setup and the world.
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Remembering the early days of the DW revival in North America
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(You never saw this in the UK or US) (Source)
With the return of Russell T Davies upon us, there’s a lot of nostalgia for the early days of the Doctor Who revival, the years before ... well, name a controversy. Lots of hope in the fanbase that RTD will be able to bring back the feels of the early days (and not just among those who were too young to remember the heady days of 2005-2010). There’s also a lot of hand-wringing over the fact that outside the UK the series will be part of the Disney+ family. But non-UK networks have always influenced the show in a lot of ways. 
Not everything was good - I have some real negatives below - but here’s a quick list of memories of the early years of the revival, which began at a time the mainstream in North America was still very much of the mind of “Doctor who?” and dismissed it as a grainy old series that usually aired after Monty Python on PBS after midnight on Saturdays.
I remember:
* When we had to wait months between UK and Canadian broadcasts. Just imagine trying to avoid spoilers today!
* When the Sci-Fi Channel in the US allegedly rejected the show for quality reasons. So many American fans didn’t get to see the first series with Eccleston for about a year (or had to order the DVDs).
* When Series 1 did air in Canada, the CBC had Christopher Eccleston record intros, commercial bumpers and “final comments” that included a mixture of trivia and promos for a “visit the set of Series 2″ contest being done with the Canadian edition of TV Guide (ironic, I know). By the time Christmas Invasion aired, Chris had left so they had Billie Piper do the intros and bumpers for it. They dropped the gimmick for Series 2. Thanks to the TV Guide tie-in, Doctor Who also got its first-ever cover on the iconic magazine, albeit only in Canada.
* When most episodes of Series 1 ended on the CBC with short documentaries and interviews with the Canadian DW fan club; one of them I believe was responsible for spreading the notion that the 1996 TV movie was titled “The Enemy Within” (which was just a suggested title apparently).
* The difficulty in getting the Series 1 DVD sets in Canadian stores due to the “Doctor who?” factor. I recall I had to special order and it cost me close to $100 in 2005 or 2006 money. And at the time only one DVD retailer (back when they could be referred to in the plural sense) would touch it. Amazon wasn’t a thing yet.
* The CBC not airing the part of “World War III” that resolved the cliffhanger of “Aliens of London”. For the CBC that was their “dancing animated Graham Norton” moment.
* How the CBC, after the initial flurry of interest, seemingly forgot about the show (a charge made by the main Canadian DW fan club a few years later), resulting in Runaway Bride airing after Series 3 began, the main CBC never airing Voyage of the Damned at all (leaving the Series 3 cliffhanger unresolved), and airing a 42-minute edit of “Journey’s End” that was totally incomprehensible (and delaying the broadcast until after the DVD release of Season 4). Torchwood likewise was bounced around. Soon after, the CBC cancelled Doctor Who and Space Channel (now CTV Sci-Fi) picked it up, eventually airing Voyage of the Damned and moving to same-day broadcast with the UK. They also picked up Torchwood. (Sarah Jane Adventures only aired on the BBC Kids cable network and either was cancelled or the network folded so we mostly saw it on DVD only; K9 never aired here at all, but again was on DVD.)
* The CBC also never showed the Children in Need minisodes, so I believe we had to wait for DVDs before seeing the prequel to Christmas Invasion and the Time Crash crossover.
* The sea-change when Series 5 arrived; Sci-Fi (Syfy) in the US and Space were now airing it the same day as the UK, though for here they added a US-style prologue to the opening credits with Amy explaining the concept of Doctor Who.
* When Sci-Fi aired Let’s Kill Hitler in the US with a special animated mini-episode during the commercial break promoting a sponsor - something that would be absolutely unheard of on the BBC! (It used to be on Youtube but I can’t find it anymore.)
* The “good old days” when most of the “good stuff” (basically anything involving video or gaming) on the BBC’s main Doctor Who website was “geolocked” and inaccessible to North American visitors. Fortunately this didn’t include the minisodes created to promote Series 2, but people had to sail the high seas (or later turn to Youtube) to obtain stuff like the mini-episode Karen Gillan made as a tie-in with an Amy Pond game and some of the scripted stuff Sarah Jane Adventures had on its site, and the Captain Jack’s Monster Files webseries starring John Barrowman.
A lot of this is in the past - as far as I know there are no longer restrictions on BBC website content (or if there is, it ends up on Youtube in about 10 minutes anyway); same-day broadcast is the norm; it’s easy to get DW-related DVDs and Blu-rays (though it remains to be seen if we ever see anything from RTD 2.0 on permanent media here in North America with Disney+ in the picture); and the idea of Syfy or CTV Sci-Fi - or certainly Disney+ - taking a 75-minute episode and trimming 30 minutes out of it for broadcast as was done to Journey’s End is impossible to imagine. Sadly though, at least for now, the enthusiasm for the show where people did care that Let’s Kill Hitler had an extra scene for the US only, or that Billie and Chris recorded exclusive materal for the CBC ... it too is in the past. I hope RTD is able to restore it and prove you can go home again.
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maynardmaniac07 · 9 months
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Seriously?! (Vikram Barn/Vikkstar123 Smut)
A/N: No one requested this one but I came up with this idea after watching the Sidemen Memory Test: Sus Edition
Vik's POV
As I'm sitting on the sofa filming with the rest of the Sidemen, the last thing that I expect to see is my girlfriend coming up on the screen as a thirst trap
I've been dating Y/N for around 2 months and as much as I have wanted to tell the boys about her, we just wanted to see how things go
Y/N is a model for multiple different types of sport magazines, not just because she has a beautiful body but also because she is a keen golfer
I followed her on Instagram around 6 months ago and we just started talking from there, after she sent me a DM saying that she loved watching my live streams and videos
She is a massive nerd at heart really
Simon presses play on the final video and Y/N appears on the screen in a light purple strappy top with her nipples extremely visible under her top
The video plays of her hitting a few golf balls
As the video plays JJ says "I can't look at anything else" meaning that he cannot take his eyes off her tits
But then again neither can I
All I can think about is her perky breasts and all the nights that we have spent together
Thank god, I am sat under this SDMN blanket because I can feel myself getting slightly hard after seeing the video
"Don't ask me the colour of anything" I state with a laugh trying to cover up the sheer jealousy that I am feeling thinking about all the other boys looking at her like I do
I stay silent for the rest of the bit because I can feel myself reeling in jealously as the comments about her body from the other boys come rolling in
I've never seen that video before and I didn't know that she made thirst traps like that
The video quickly ends and towards the end Harry suggests that I have a boner under the blanket which causes everyone to laugh
Not wanting to confirm his suspicions, as soon as we are done filming as I know that I have nothing else left to film today I leave in a cab and head for Y/N's flat
When I get there, I say hello to the concierge that recognises me from the amount of times that I have visited her
I go up in the lift and I walk straight to her flat and knock on the door
The door swings open to reveal Y/N in a sports bra and some cycling shorts
I look at her in the eyes
"Bedroom now" I bluntly tell her
She is quick to turn around and rush to her bedroom
I shut the door behind me and I follow her through the hallway and walk into her bedroom to see her sat on the end of her bed looking down
I lift her head up with my fingers and I kiss her deeply
My hands find their way to the band of her bra and I lift it up
Our lips disconnect, I lift the bra over her head and arms and I see her boobs bouncing since they have been set free from the bra
She lays back and slides off her shorts and panties before throwing them on the floor
I quickly take off my shirt, jogging bottoms and pants
I get on top of her on the bed and reach forward into her bedside table and pull out a condom before slipping it on
I look at her to see if everything was ok and If I was ok to proceed, Y/N understands what the look means and nods
I slowly slide into her and let out a groan once I am fully in
"Ugh, please move" Y/N moans
I start sliding in and out of Y/N at a brutal place letting my frustration of seeing the video out
"I saw a thirst trap of you playing golf today, where did Simon get it from?" I ask as I speed my thrusts up
"Fuck, he DM'd me and asked me if I would do it for a video" She says between moans
"And you seriously decided to do it?!" I exclaim
"Fuck Vik, I did it because I knew you would see it!" Y/N admits
Then it hits me
She wanted me to get jealous and riled up
"You wanted this? You wanted me to fuck you like this?" I ask grabbing her hips
She wraps her legs around my waist, I thrust deeply which causes her to moan loudly
"Yes! Wanted you to fuck me like you hated me!" She admits letting her dirtiest thoughts come out
She tightens around me as her climax hits her, which causes me to spill into the condom
"Fuck!" I exclaim
We both let out deep breaths as we fall next to each other on the bed
I throw the condom in the bin next to the bed, before turning and pulling Y/N close to me
"You know I didn't do it to upset you" she mumbles to me
I laugh
"I know you didn't but maybe we should tell the boys that we are together just to stop JJ obsessing over your nipples" I suggest
We both laugh and cuddle together
I can't believe she made that video to make me jealous and horny
She is so mischievous and I love that about her!
A/N: PLEASE REQUEST IMAGINES
Masterlist
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centrally-unplanned · 11 months
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So I was doing more FLCLick Noise Translation, and this scene where Canti is buying magazines comes up:
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They laugh because the joke is Delabe is a softcore porn and gravure model magazine, more commonly translated as Della Beppin. In the footnote for this reference, the book mentions:
【*4】 "Della Beppin" is an adult magazine that was launched in 1985 by Eichi Publishing (now Mediax). It gained popularity for its high-quality nude and gravure photos. It is also known for featuring "Neon Genesis Evangelion" in 1996.
This 1996 Eva interview one of them had? Which is both weird to exist (though not that weird) but also weird to like mention, I get its Gainax but still, there are a million Evangelion interviews. On some digging however, I see why: turns out it often claimed to be the first Evangelion feature to occur outside of an anime magazine! Sort of a bellwether for Evangelion's break-out success and the way it entered mainstream discourse at the time, it was released right after the show finished airing and the buzz started crescendo-ing. Certainly this article from 2014 believes this claim. Though I myself have doubts that it was truly the first; I have another claim, if a bit loose (citing a translation of a book I cannot check):
Many insiders in sub-culture industry had been already alert about the NGE/Eva phenomenon very early. For example, Hideshi Ohtsuka had written an article on the series in Yomiuri Shinbun (Newspaper) already during the TV series. This phenomenon manifested itself in August of that year, 5 magazines (SF magazine, Across, Quick Japan, Yuriia, Dela-Beppin) carried the article on Eva.
Which claims all of these magazines carried the same article and were printed at pretty much the same time, so its a little dubious. (But the other article doesn't say its a copy, so is this true? Translation error?)
Hunting down the specific edition was a challenge as there are a lot of Beppin variants out there and its not like it was called The Eva Edition or anything; but these articles gave me the precise date the book did not: August 1996. And from there, I was able to find:
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Which, ENHANCE:
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"Evangelion", featuring Toshio Okada, former Gainax president. We did it boys. I found a listing for sale on Suruga-ya for 8 bucks and threw it onto my next Zen Market order stack.
I fully believe buying and scanning a vintage porn magazine Evangelion interview is the most on-brand thing I could possibly do on this green Earth, so hopefully I am able to obtain it!
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aprilblossomgirl · 1 year
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Never Let Me Go Episode 1 (Favorite Scenes Edition)
I find it quite easy to love the solid and compact first episode from the get-go. Since I can't stop thinking of some scenes of our two leads (mostly because the shots just told me something), might as well just record those thoughts here (in chronological order):
Favorite scene #1 The first appearance
Their intro scenes were made to show the elements they were respectively in. Nueng, the city boy lives in his interior bubble. Palm, the coastal boy navigates his exterior world. Both were shot similarly: a slow pan onto their facial side view -- Nueng from the view of his own reflection on the restaurant's window, Palm from the view of his strong hand controlling the boat wheel. So then, we came to these.
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I have always seen these types of shots give a 'staring into one's future' vibe, even when the said future is non-existent or had been pre-prepared. Here Nueng saw a future given to him to take care of, while Palm saw none of it. Both were left with no choice. And, what if these two futures were brought to meet?
And here's another pair of side views. But, this time, they were at the same, yet still very different, place.
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Favorite scene #2 Palm returns Nueng's gun
Initially, I wanted to add their first meeting to this list (what's with those instant intense stares -- it's hard to say there were no mutual assessing stares with a drop of attraction there), but then I feel this particular scene speaks more to me as this was their very first real interaction.
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It's the way Palm asked permission to take the gun and then removed the magazine before he gave it back to Nueng. There was this smooth transition of cautiousness in both of them. Also, do I want to say anything about those seconds too long for Nueng to take his gun back from Palm's hand. No, but I do feel a lot of things.
Favorite scene #3 Following and hiding
Although, I need to know why Nueng would pull Palm to hide with him instead of just going hide by himself. And then, I get Nueng frustration in knowing that Palm also overheard those conversations about his dad, and that look at the end as if he needed to make sure whether Palm giving him a pitying look or an understanding look, he just needs to know that -- but what was his actual expectation. At the end, he lashed out and pushed him away, regardless. But, what matters, did I replay the scene over and over again only to be sure who diverted eyes first, after that intense staring battle? Yes.
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Favorite scene #4 Sneaking out
It's hard to believe what Nueng said about him had been sneaking out of school before to be true judging from the way he was struggling to jump over that school fence. Isn't it a good thing Palm offered to go with him that he could help him with getting out of there. And Nueng, being not so friendly with Palm, still, was quick to allow Palm to go with him, to help him climb over the fence, and to catch him from the other side (would this be a metaphor for something, only time will tell). Was it an instinctive trust or was it simply a 'no choice' behavior from Nueng's side, given that he was the one with the power to reject Palm's offer if he wanted to. But from Palm's side, it's a 'no choice' situation. It was his duty. And perhaps, he couldn't help it just by looking at the dangerous way Nueng tried to find his footing to climb the fence. Yes, I replayed the scene and compare the way both made their steps to climb, and yes, we have a reckless (mafia) heir here.
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Favorite scene #5 The escape
When I see a rooftop helipad, my brain goes "emergency escape!" And from the final shot of this episode, how can I not think about it. Usually, for me, it's always too early to assume any metaphor or symbology unless some clear instances led me there. But this, in no way I could ignore this as a possible future foreshadowing of an actual escape these two might need to do.
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Honorable mentions of other scenes that are also supposed to be on this list, but I just can't make it for now: the first meeting, the friends, and the abandoned condo conversation. This last one, I just have another bucket of feelings I need to keep for now.
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laurenfoxmakesthings · 10 months
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So, a few days ago I went to a group collage-ing session at the Drop In Care Space (worth donating to by the way: https://www.dropincarespace.com/supportus). I was going to be spontaneous like the last time I went to a similar session, but then I had this collage concept that I decided to go with, there weren't as many materials as the other session (I brought a big chunk of them). There were some useful materials I found in the session outside of my own materials, like the text-filled pages from a Frankie magazine I used for the background. To make sure it wasn't generic, I added editor's notes, some regular, some pedantic, some questionable. They also had the lavender (me being me, I got to add queer subtext at some point), the light bulb, and the scorpion from a damaged zine. I didn't have time to glue it together there, only cut the pieces up and figure out the arrangement/composition.
I waited until Wednesday night to paste everything together, as that was when the new family puppy would go to puppy school. Once the gluing was done, I used highlighters to brighter the lavender and the light bulb. The highlighter beams were going to be smaller, but I added more and made them bigger to make sure the composition wasn't lopsided. Admittedly, the positioning of the beams aren't quite right, I tried drawing them on while the canvas was on an easel. Nevertheless, think this was the quickest analog collage I made so far, only a night. What really surprised me was how flat it turned out, I thought it was going to be stuck with bubbles.
The hardest part was scanning it. Today I went to the nearest library, thinking it would be super quick and easy. Instead, everything that went wrong did go wrong, and I spent a few hours trying to scan it and send it while going through an anxiety attack the whole time. I finally completed the task, but it's only until I got home that I realised even my good final attempt at a scan was zoomed in too much. So I tried to scan it with my phone and take a basic photo, just to be sure all of you got what it properly looked like. The downside is the lighting and the colours varied even with adjustments. I don't think any of these images capture how bright and fluorescent the highlighter parts are.
One of you could see it in person, though. This analog collage is now for sale. You can find it in my ko-fi shop this time, as it isn't NSFW like the last one.
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monsieuremjaydee · 1 year
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The Squatty Potty
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I’ve been living with Staceyann and her husband Rick in New Jersey ever since I left my dorm at Columbia back in January. They don’t charge me rent as long as I chip in on the groceries and electrical bill, so it’s good deal. I met them at an AA meeting some years back.
Typical north Jersey trash. Staceyann’s in her mid-40s. Purple-black hair, tattoos on her arms, on her legs, on her chest, on her neck, smokes Newport 100s, molested by her junkie father’s buddies as a child. Rick about the same age, a little on the heavy side, long hair, likes to gamble, not too quick in the head because he spent more than half his life smoking PCP mixed with crack. Loves Bob Dylan.
I live in a little annexed room where the hot water heater is down in their basement. I’ve got a twin size bed with a mattress so worn out that every time I shift in my sleep the springs poke through and wake me up. I’m confined to the downstairs bathroom because one of their kids is—
I should also mention that Staceyann and Rick have three kids. All boys, somewhere between the ages of ten and sixteen. I find it impossible to accurately guess a child’s age and never once found myself anywhere near sufficiently interested when listening to people yap about their kids to even attempt to commit such useless information to memory. I never understood why people make such a fuss about their children. They inadvertently end up making you hate them by acting like they’re the best kids to ever walk the earth. Right. And when they grow up to be dimwitted imbeciles, out come the excuses. ADHD, Asperger’s, anxiety, depression, a chronically itchy sphincter. How about bad parenting? Ever try that one? You wheel your strollers around acting like you’ve got the queen of England in there, demanding that everyone get out of your way, growling at anyone who doesn’t move or make a big deal about your boring child — excuse me, don’t you see I have a baby here? Yes, I can see your mediocre baby and I’m deeply unimpressed. Now please, stop acting like you’ve achieved something extraordinary by plopping out a fetus. Congratulations. A standing ovation for doing exactly what human beings have consistently done since long before they knew how to start a fire. We only apologize for not applauding each time you remember to breathe. What I’m really trying to say here is that one of Staceyann and Rick’s kids isn’t fully there. I’m not exactly sure what’s wrong with him but let’s just say that if this was happening in ancient Sparta, he’d go flying off a cliff.
And so, as you can imagine things can get a bit messy in the bathroom and that’s why I use the one downstairs. No worries there, it lacks nothing. I mean, it did at one point lack a squatty potty and that’s the whole point of this story, but otherwise no complaints. Now, as a broke recent college grad who studied the most useless major on the planet, I wasn’t exactly in the position to buy myself one due to my obvious financial constraints.  
Until one morning right around my birthday when Rick barged into the basement. “Wake up!” he started shaking me. What the hell? “Wake up, wake up, wake up,” he wouldn’t quit. “You wanna make two bills?” he says once my eyes open.
But I was in such an immensely deep sleep, the kind that makes your eyelids feel like a million pounds. The kind that if you manage to somehow open your eyes, your vision refuses to focus, you’re disoriented, your mind refuses to align—where am I? is all you can think—your entire body just refuses.
“No thanks,” I mumbled, then turned around and instantly began dreaming about a brown horse who’s lying in bed on his back under the covers reading the February edition of Seventeen Magazine. Hot chocolate steaming on the nightstand.
It’s not that I didn’t NEED the money… It’s that it was 7am on Sunday. Who the hell gets out of bed at 7am on Sunday!
“Five,” I heard Rick’s voice echoing inside the horse’s small but trendy bedroom. “You don’t wanna make five hundred dollars? It’ll take you thirty minutes for god’s sake.”
That calculates to one thousand dollars an hour, which in turn calculates to over two million dollars a year if working forty hours per week. The horse looked at me from under his spectacles, waiting.
“Yea,” I sat up.
“Here.” Rick handed me a flat black box about the size of a frozen dinner. “Take this and drive down to Dunkin’ Donuts in Clifton.”
“There’s like five Dunkin’ Donuts in Clifton,” I yawned.
“The one on Clifton Avenue.”
“The one across from the police station?”
“Exactly,” Rick confirmed. “A guy’ll meet you there. Black Range Rover. Just hop in, hand him the box, he’ll give you cash. Eighteen grand. Count it.”
“Now?” I asked, rubbing my eyes.
“He’ll be there in ten minutes. I can’t go myself, otherwise I would.”
I peaked in the box. “Okay.” I got up, got dressed, got in Rick’s beat up ’98 champagne Maxima, drove to Clifton, forgot to brush my teeth.
Everything went smooth. Back in 28 minutes.
“Here,” I handed Rick the cash. He peeled off five bills. “Pleasure doing business with you,” I said while putting the Washingtons in my pocket. Then went downstairs and back to sleep.
The next day I bought myself a squatty potty as a birthday gift. The thing is great. Nothing gets left behind if you know wat I mean. Nothing.
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