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isthisthingeven0n · 4 years

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if the world was ending : d.d

brief summary: based on the beautifully poetic song ‘if the world was ending’

word count: 1.6k requested: yes by a sweet ass anon who must know me as this is in my top 10 currently warnings: bit angsty, but fluffy ending

* masterlistin’ / masterlistin’ 2.0

(everything on my blog is my own writing. if it is shared on another page or website know it isn’t me. all rights reserved. - i have to start doing this as I had some shit on my other blog with plagiarism)

Sniffing, you walk up the stairs as you hug yourself in an attempt to stop shivering so severely.

Your day couldn’t possibly get worse, nothing else could go wrong for you. The past few months have been hell, and you weren’t sure how much more you could handle. All you wanted was to curl up and forget everything for a few hours. You must at least be allowed that, right?

Sadly, the universe has different intentions.

As you approach your front door, you notice something stuck to it with big red letters.

“No.” You mutter under your breath, feeling your lower lip quivering as you tear the notice and shove it into your pocket before unlocking the front door.

The sound of your shoes squelching follows you through the cramped apartment as puddles lace your floor. You quickly undress, discarding your clothes behind you as you wander into the bathroom, wanting nothing more than a hot shower to disguise your tears.

Turning the shower on, you glance at your reflection. You’ve not been the same since the breakup, but with the events that have trickled since, that feels irrelevant to your current state.

As you emerge with damp hair, you collapse down on your sofa with a heavy sigh. “Don’t cry.” You mutter to yourself as you wipe your eyes repeatedly, trying to stop yourself from what seems to be the inevitable of late. “Fuck.” You cry, hiding your face into your palms until you take a deep breath, forcing yourself out of it before you fall too deep once again.

You look over to the pile of notices and letters you’ve been avoiding. It hurt to see so many people tearing you down, quite literally at this point. But on top, your phone starts to glow.

With a heavy heart, you walk over and take your phone. A small smile laces your lips as you see who it is calling.

“Hey, C.” You try to remain upbeat by plastering a smile on your face, hoping your tone portrays the same emotion.

On the other end of the line, Corinna sits on a beanbag whilst David edits with Natalie. He’s curled up, still in the hoodie you gifted him months ago despite everything that happened.

“Hey, is everything okay?” She asks quietly, not wanting to draw attention as David keeps his eyes fixated on his laptop, but his ears on Corinna.

You shake your head in response, covering your mouth to stifle a sob. “No,” Your voice cracks and Corinna sighs sadly.

“Oh, baby.” She whispers. “What happened? Is he doing any better?”

“He, he’s in ICU.” You manage to force the words to leave your lips. “And they’re not sure if he’ll be okay.” You can’t bring yourself to think of the worse or mention anything else.

“Do you want me to come over, I’ll come over right now I’m not up to much.” She explains and David huffs loudly.

“Gee, thanks, Corinna!” David yells and you freeze on the phone, the mere sound of his voice that you’ve not heard in months.

“I’ll be okay. I’ll talk to you soon.” You mutter to her before hanging up, feeling your heart beating in your throat before you lie down, curling up with a cushion to your chest as you silently sob, wishing your nightmare would soon end.

Corinna groans as she locks her phone before glaring at David. “What the fuck, Dave?” Corinna calls out, catching both David and Natalie off guard.

“Woah, he was joking, Corinna.” Natalie speaks up whilst David remains slightly dumbfounded at Corinna’s change in attitude. “You alright?”

Running her fingers through her hair, Corinna shuts her eyes as she contemplates her options.

“I’m fine.” She answers, still not wanting to meet David’s eyes who hover over her. “Just, you’re so inconsiderate like that was a serious fucking phone call.” Corinna can’t stop herself, she knows she should stop, but all she can think about is you at your shitty apartment alone.

“Okay, I’m sorry.” David smiles softly, tugging the sleeves on his hoodie. “Who was it anyway?”

“Y/n.” Corinna bluntly states, looking right at David who tenses up at the mention of your name.

“Is she alright?” He questions instantly, something he’ll always wonder no matter how far apart you might be.

“No, no she’s not.” Corinna sighs as she rises to her feet, keeping her phone close. “Look, she’s never been worse and I’m only telling you because I think she needs you, David.”

Natalie glances over to her best friend, seeing the sadness radiating in his eyes as he listens to Corinna.

David tries to fight back tears as he listens to what Corinna is saying.

“And after the crash, her Dad went downhill super fast.” Corinna can remember the panicked phone call she received in the early hours of the morning followed by a rushed explanation and request to keep it a secret. “He, he’s in the ICU.”

“No,” David can feel his heartbreaking. It feels like moments ago he was at yours for Christmas with your family, how well he bonded with your Dad over the smallest of things, but it was enough to make you happy. “is he going to get better?”

Corinna shrugs her shoulders, looking down at the floor. “She doesn’t know.” She admits and listens as David shuffles from his bed. “What’re you doing?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” David questions, reaching for his phone and keys. “Nat, finish the outro and get Jason to check it over. I’ll be back later.”

Without saying anything else, David walks out from his bedroom and straight to the front door.

“Well, I guess we wait.” Natalie sighs as she lifts David’s laptop onto her lap, reviewing the footage whilst Corinna smiles to herself, glad they’re finally doing something about their dormant feelings.

The sound of knocking wakes you up from an unsettled sleep.

At first, you’re sure it’s something you’ve imagined. No one would be trying to get a hold of you now, at eleven in the evening.

You look around for some form of weapon, quietly running into your bedroom as you reach for the one item that could cause damage before making your way to the front door.

With a deep breath, you unlock the door and lift up your weapon. “David?” You lower your weapon with wide eyes as he stands there, holding his hands up in defence before catching a glimpse at your weapon of choice.

“Is that your blowdryer?” He tries not to laugh as you throw it aside, hoping it lands on your sofa.

“What’re you doing here?” You question coldly, crossing your arms as you avoid his eyes, knowing he’s looking to see how you are.

“I erm,” David stutters, having not really thought anything through as he drove over on impulse. “Corinna mentioned a few things,” He trails off as you scoff.

“It’s fine, David. You’re not my boyfriend anymore so you don’t have to check up on me.” You speak defensively, even if it’s only causing you more pain.

Reaching out, David walks inside of the apartment he only visited once. Despite you having lived here months, it looks identical to when he came before.

His eyes wander over to the pile of letters and big letters with threatening information inside. “I know I’m not, Y/n.” He states. “But I still care about you, I, I had no idea how much shit has been happening.” He moves closer, watching as you back away. “I’m sorry about your Dad, Y/n.” He says quietly, watching as your shoulders begin to shake and tears fall down your cheeks.

You’re past wiping them away, even in front of David. “He’ll be okay,” You tell yourself more than him. “he’s a strong guy.” You mutter, nodding as you lift your head up to see David’s eyes full of sorrow.

“He will be.” David reassures you and you break down.

Out of habit, David walks over and wraps his arms around you, holding you close.

He hesitates as you freeze before wrapping your arms around him in response, letting him hold you close as you continue to cry. “I, I lost my job.” You manage to say without your voice cracking mid-sentence. “Dad’s bills are piling up so I paid my salary on that and now I’m going to be homeless.” It all feels numb at this point, but David can feel his heartbreaking.

“You’re not going to be homeless, I’ll never let that happen.” He explains as he pulls away, his hands resting on your face as he wipes away your tears with his thumbs.

“I just feel like my whole world is falling apart and I don’t have anyone to rely on anymore.” You whisper, hating to admit the truth of it all. “I’ve been trying to deal with this, I didn’t want to be a sob story for anyone but I can’t,” Your voice gives in as your breathing becomes uneven and you hide your face into David’s chest.

“You’re not alone, Y/n.” David comforts you, refusing to let you go at this point. “I’ll always be around, if you ever need me I’ll come over, even if the world is ending.” He tries to joke, hearing you squeak a chuckle in response.

“Thank you, Dave.” You mumble as you glance up, forcing a small smile before returning to resting your head on his chest, missing the smile ghosting his lips.

357 notes · View notes

muichewrou · 4 years

Note

AYYYYY NEW KNY WRITING BLOG, HELLO! I was wondering If i could request a giyuu x fem reader scenario (where the reader is kinoe ranked if thats okay!) Where they were best friends with giyuu along with sabito but after sabito's death they drifted apart, its been 4 years and reader saves tanjiro squad from a demon before giyuu can and she's changed a lot (used to be short, now is taller for instance!) And its just a very fluffy and emotional reunion? Tysm if u do this HAVE A GREAT DAY 💖💕💗💕

yaaa!!! this was my first request but I’m so sorry for taking so long!! I merged these two since they’re kind of similar, I hope you don’t mind! this includes my headcanons for how giyuu made his haori haha and some parts might seem incomplete but I didn’t wanna hold it back any longer 💕 💕 enjoy!!

Note: Includes spoilers for Giyuu’s backstory and takes place before the Natagumo Mt. arc. Under the cut due to length.

Word Count: 7.7k+

https://twitter.com/xu77106413/status/1194118794265841664?s=20

This was drawn by a very good friend of mine, xu! follow her on instagram and twitter! she’s also on Tumblr under the same user.

“I didn’t want him to die either.”

Your voice echoes through the shoddy and diminutive home you shared with Giyuu and your teacher, Sakonji Urokodaki. Giyuu’s eyes stays locked onto the pot of meat and vegetables that’s been simmering in broth for a lengthy amount of time, never straying away from it once. The wooden bowls in front of you remain empty, and the eating utensils positioned on the tray too lay dormant. Your two cups of tea go cold.

The male chooses to uphold the silence he’s kept up ever since returning from the Final Selection, only nodding and shaking his head to mimic a reply. It was a reasonable way to handle grief, and you allowed it for roughly a week or so, but as of late he has been rejecting your attempts at training with him.

Instead, he was now laboring himself with stitching together two contrasting cloths, to which you realize one of them was half of the haori he had worn ever since arriving here to train as a Demon Slayer.

The other half, you recognize after one glimpse, is indisputably Sabito’s. That pattern of his yukata was how you identified him from the others during the Final Selection.

Your eyes narrow, but no maliciousness is directed at the male. Rather, you were apprehensive about how exactly the completed cloth would look like. Mismatched outfits didn’t seem to be the trend these days, but what do you know–it’s not like you’re allowed to travel to cities or villages and contemplate their different senses of fashion when Urokodaki would preferably have you hone your breathing techniques.

Suddenly, you remember how Giyuu and yourself wouldn’t be training with Urokodaki once the swordsmith returns with your meticulously handcrafted Nichirin blades. You would shortly separate onto your differing paths, Urokodaki continuing to cultivate Water Breath swordsmen and the two of you fulfilling missions to work your way up through the ranks as Demon Slayers.

Despite how it was you that was ridiculing Giyuu for his way of coping, a burning sensation tingles your eyes. The boy stiffens up, unsure of what to do. You shake your head to disperse the tears, yanking the ladle hanging near the boiling pot. You begin to serve him before you serve yourself.

You take a sip of the broth, wincing at the burning heat. Giyuu sets his work aside in favor of filling up his stomach, and you use it as an opportunity to observe his progress so far.

To put it bluntly, it was horrendous. The weaving of the two garments together was so dreadful that certain areas were fraying due to his unrefined needlework, and besides that, the cloth had overlapped in a jagged pattern than straight down the middle as it should be.

He gives you a look you can barely distinguish, “Do you want it?”

“Want what?” You lower your bowl. He raises up the other half of Sabito’s attire, expression unwavering. He motions over to your own haori, and you can just barely comprehend the idea. “I…”

Did he want you to alter your clothing similarly? You suppose that was the only logical conclusion you could come up with.

But as strange as it seemed, you want it, you really do. Other than his mask which was returned to Urokodaki, the patterned yukata was the only keepsake from Sabito that was left to the two of you. Mindlessly, your hand starts to gravitate towards the fabric, but you pull away when your hands brush against each other.

Giyuu’s eyes are large and seemingly displays a look of betrayal. You don’t care for that expression. He should be happy just like when Sabito was alive, or before his sister died.

Hesitating, you reach back for it again, gripping the cloth. Only when it’s in your hands do you clutch it tightly to your chest, sighing at the way it calmed you.

“I think I’ll…make this into a scarf. It’s getting chilly, after all.” You finger the delicate material, looking up. “I can help you with your…haori if you want. This way, he can always be with us no matter where we go. That’s what you wanted, right?”

You worked on the fabrics the following week, barely finishing it just as Haganezuka arrived with the swords.

“Thank you, [Name],” he takes his haori out of your hands and slips it on, evening out the creases. “It looks good.”

You tug the scarf around your neck, “you’re welcome, but just don’t damage it, okay?”

His skin is sickly pale and his eyes seem duller than before. “I won’t. Let’s go, our mission is to the west.”

Giyuu turns his back to you and strides ahead, never looking back to check if you were following. You stare at his hand that hung loosely to his side.

Your fingers twitch slightly, but you resign to resting your hand on the hilt of your sword. You hasten your pace, heading along behind him.

Each mission after the first tested your relationship with Giyuu. He was a great partner overall with that strength and composure of his, but the connection between you seemed…lost.

“Why don’t you talk to me anymore?”

Your voice startles him. ‘This is exactly what I’m talking about–his life has been so centralized around demons that he forgets that I’m here.’

“You’ve changed so much these past few months. You hardly interact with me nowadays, so what am I?”

Your nose begins to tingle, and you sneeze into the sleeve of your haori, the mask around your head almost slipping off. Giyuu says nothing at first, only blinking, then:

“Are you sick?” He avoids the question.

“Hah? You tell me,” the words scratch against your throat and your eyes begin to water from sneezing. You wrap the scarf tighter around your neck, sniffling out loud so he could hear. “Are you sick of me, Giyuu?”

”Me? No, I’m not ill.”

You fling your head down in exasperation, scowling at the snow accumulating around your feet. Though the both of you were now 17 years old, he didn’t exactly have the ability to read the atmosphere of the situation. You compared him to a child constantly, oblivious and distracted, annoyingly lovable at times. “Giyuu, I swear. You’re so dense sometimes, you know?”

“You’ve mentioned it before, but I’m not sure how to improve it.”

“Yeah, well, I’m starting to think it’s ’cause of me. Even when Sabito was still here, you were always nervous around me when we’re alone together. ”

When you first met Giyuu when you were 14, he stuttered over his words so much that every time he had to talk to you, Sabito had to speak for him. It’s toned down over the years, but the awkwardness was still there. You, however, felt just fine speaking with him the first time.

You scratch the back of your head and drag your fingers through your hair, pondering your next words. “So this might be a relief to you, Giyuu, because Oyakata-sama is dispatching me off to recruit some orphans. Supposedly, they keep rejecting his request to make them Slayers.”

“Why?” Came his curt reply.

“I just told you—”

“No. Why you? There are plenty of other Demon Slayers capable of doing the same.”

“What?” You cross your arms, leaning toward him, “It’s the Master’s orders. I can’t do anything about it. Aren’t you happy? Chances are, we’re going to be separated for the rest of our time as Demon Slayers.”

He tilts his head. Why would he be happy? His happiest moments were when he was with you and Sabito, and there was no denying how nervous he was with you, but that was because you made him feel fuzzy inside. He couldn’t explain it.

Seeing him deep in thought made you open your mouth to question him, but you decide against it once your crow flies to your shoulder, shrieking into your ear.

“I guess that’s my cue to go. Don’t miss me too much alright, Giyuu,” you joke lightly, waving your hand and running past him. Out of the corner of your eyes, you see that he’s distraught, eyes wide and brows furrowed, hand outstretched towards you.

—-

Four years later, you still regret glancing back at him. At that time, you realized you were mistaken about his feelings and only established more emotional baggage for him. You were really the only person he had left ever since departing from Urokodaki.

But you couldn’t do anything. As you foresaw, Kagaya had decided to separate you and Giyuu as an arrangement for your abilities to not be concentrated in one region.

Before you know it, you’re running into the forest with the hand on the hilt of your sword. Your crow continues to squawk out orders as it soars along the late evening sky, the sunlight dwindling and barely peeking through the treetops.

“Caw! Three Mizunoto ranked Slayers are reported to clash against several Demons in the Forest of Correction! Mission, mission!” his sharp cries grate into your ears as he glides through the sacred grove, swerving around branches and leading you further into the forest.

You can hear the shouts of “Zenitsu, watch out!” and “over here Inosuke!” once you stray from the path, jumping over a bush that was in your way.

You hop onto a tree, using the height to your advantage. In the distance, you can see three male Slayers battling against a demon of above-average size. One was shirtless and donned a boar head, another was outfitted in a yellow triangle-patterned haori that faded to orange, and the last being a boy who hauled a heavy-looking compartment on his shoulders. It was a traditional battle with novices standing up against a weak demon, nothing more, nothing less. Or at least that’s what you assumed initially. Your crow did say ”several demons”, didn’t he?

Immediately, you could sense multiple presences lurking within the dark thickets. Drawing your blade from its sheath, you push yourself off the tree and ascend towards enemies in hiding, dismissing the demon the kids were taking care of.

”Breath of Water, Tenth Style: The Dragon of Change.”

Your scarf flings itself around as you spin and twist your body through the air, sword raised above your shoulder. Evading the trees using precise and striking reflexes, you continue rotating as the demons are soon visible, one of them getting caught in the momentum as they leap out to attack you.

A shriek erupts from his lips as he cradles his head, the body already disintegrating from the legs up. Without any time to lose, you swerve to the left once more to hurl yourself towards the leftover demons.

There were five demons total in the thicket. With one throwing themselves recklessly to your blade, that left four, but only two were in front of you.

You resume your rotations. Spin once, slice through the air twice. Then spin twice, slicing through the air three times. Consecutively performing those movements until you meet your destination, building up the steps as you go on.

”Your footing is off. Your swings are too slow,” Sabito announces as you try to catch your breath, wooden sword on the ground and hands placed on your knees. You dry heave, reaching for the pouch of water he’s carrying. When he refuses to hand it over, you drop your head down, sweat trickling onto the dirt.

”Please, Sabito?” He shakes his head, tossing the satchel onto the floor. Giyuu, who was visibly uncomfortable with Sabito’s treatment of you, stood to the side, clutching at the sleeves of his haori. The satchel bounced to his feet, and he felt obligated to pick it up.

”I’ll only show you once again. Focus on my feet and how I position myself when swinging the sword.”

You lick your dry lips, not opposed to his wishes,”…but…water?”

He gives a look to Giyuu. The black-haired male freezes up, fidgeting with the satchel.

(That look means ”don’t give it to her”. How do you know? You’ve observed it too many times during your training sessions with him.)

He grabs the practice weapon on the ground and moves immediately.

Sabito was the epitome of a perfect swordsman. A child prodigy. The amount of stamina he possessed was astounding. His speed and strength far overshadowed both of yours and Giyuu’s.

That didn’t mean he left you behind, though. As strict as he was, he cared for his comrades—even more than his own life.

His footsteps created no sound whatsoever. He was a crow’s feather fluttering across the sky, twirling and shifting directions according to the breeze.

You keep yourself from falling over in awe by grasping onto Giyuu’s arm, making him shudder from the gesture and straighten his posture. Sabito smirks at you once he sees the literal sparkles in your eyes, pleased with your reaction.

Step to the right, step to the left. Bend your arms during the pauses. Pivot if the foe swipes at you and retaliate by swinging your weapon around yourself to protect your body. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Until the energy and forcefulness of the attacks reach its peak–the apex of your power.

Then, the climax. Charge at the enemy by forcing your foot down at the final step, leaping and twisting your body while your blade slashes into the target. The finishing blow.

His choreography ends as he tosses the wooden sword away and walks towards you, all while the training log he practiced on splits into four and slides to the surface. What a show-off!

”If you manage to do the same, I’ll allow you to have a drink of water.”

”You’re lying!” you gape back at him.

But he wasn’t, evident in the way his nose scrunches up as if saying, ”are you kidding me?”

So you try again. Numerous times, in fact. Giyuu retires at some time to assist Urokodaki with a supply run, but Sabito stays to attend to the exercise.

You use one of the many boulders around as a stepping stool, kicking yourself off into the air once more. In a flash, you decapitate the two of them in one slash.

Gasping, you turn to Sabito for confirmation. Did you really just do that? Not only cutting the trunk into four, but six pieces?

”Sabito, did you see that?!” Your hair reels against your cheek like a whip, and you’re reveling in your breakthrough–so much that you don’t care about the aching and soreness of your overtaxed muscles.

There’s a pleased look in his eyes, though it’s driven away in an instant. He takes a step forward.

”–since this technique requires more stamina to perform, you may tire out soon after. Make sure there are no enemies around before resting. If you’re ever in a pinch, the Piercing Rain Drop can save your life,” when the weapon is picked up again, he demonstrates by jabbing it into the air in front of him and jumping back.

But you’ve executed the Tenth Style countless of times. You’ve built enough endurance to perform it at least ten times without rest. To you, The Dragon Of Change was a technique most meaningful to you, so it was obvious that you trained yourself relentlessly after he passed.

The peach-haired boy blinks, unfazed when he sees you pout, breathing heavily. You’re glaring at him through watery and hazy vision, crawling towards the water Giyuu set on the ground before he left.

“You’re not even gonna praise me? Boring! All that for nothing! I’ll train with Giyuu from now on, then. He’s more encouraging than you, at least.”

The threat hangs loosely in the air. Sabito knew you liked being with him too much to separate from him. It would have been far better if Giyuu could stick around and practice techniques along with you, but Urokodaki gets rather intimidating when he’s mad.

You could barely feel him ruffling your hair up in your fit of frustration. Jolting, you gaze up in astonishment, at a loss for words.

Your eyes narrow as you feel a presence behind you. One demon on foot, and another hovering in the air just above it. You hadn’t reached the ground yet as it had barely been a second since defeating the previous demons.

”Breath of Water, Ninth Style: Water Splash,” you sidestep as she hurls herself at you. The swiftness of her efforts caused her to skid across the dirt, shooting into healthy foliage of the thicket. Her eyes widen when you ignore her for the other demon, leaping up and cutting off the head in an instant.

Weak. All of them are unbearably weak.

His head flies through the air and he cries out his last words, “What the hell?! I thought we were just fighting some incompetent brats, but this chick is on a whole ‘nother level! Hina, you can’t fight against her!”

He plummets to the surface, limbs entangled together. His body wriggles as if he’s been possessed, but you find that it was his will to keep existing and sink his teeth into your flesh.

“Aoi!” The female demon howls in rage as her partner decays and shrivels from the injury, baring her teeth and scampering in your direction. Her fury amplifies tenfold as she observes you sheathing your blade and strolling back to the three Mizunoto ranked Slayers. “You! I’ll kill–?!”

One by one, her limbs tumbles onto the soil. First, her legs. Next is her torso, a figurine sectioned and carved with fresh little cuts intricately, the delicate and refined labor of a notable craftsman. Fingers are falling individually from her hands and crumble before they come in contact with the ground. Her head is halved cleanly from ear to ear. Blood drips into her gaping jaw and bubbles her utterances and wails into sorrowful and incomprehensible nothingness. She, too, deteriorates away when her neck slips away from her torso.

”Come again?” you taunt, never halting your pace. But she is already gone.

The boys had succeeded in defeating the demon they busied themselves with while you dealt with the others. One more.

”Hey! Over here!” the one in the checkered haori exclaims, a wide smile plastered onto his face as he waves you over. ”Thank you so much for your help. To be honest, I felt that maybe we wouldn’t make it out alive with that number of demons—”

”You!” The boar shoves his finger towards you, one hand clasped around both his Nichirin blades. He’s stomping his foot harshly to the dirt, jerking as he spoke roughly…and was that steam coming out of his snout? ”You’re strong! But I’ll be the judge of that, so fight me right here, right now!!”

”Inosuke, calm down!” The red-haired boy raises his hands in an attempt to alleviate the boar’s passion to instigate quarrels. ”You should be thanking her, too! If she hadn’t taken care of those demons in the thicket, we would have all succumbed to our wounds sooner or later. You too, Zenitsu! Wake up–”

You point your sword to his neck. He blinks. Zenitsu’s eyes are now wide open, huge and bleary. Inosuke growls.

”Box. Hand it over.”

”Huh?”

You grab him by his haori and flip him over onto his stomach without so much of a thought. He gives a yelp and struggles by wriggling under you, but he is essentially powerless against you. ‘She’s fast!’

The other two males are frozen in place, unsure of what to do.

They had little to no knowledge of you and where you came from. You were clearly a high-ranking Slayer, skilled in the art of swordsmanship and having impressive strength, speed, and composure.

”W-wait, please!” the boy under you blurts, ”we mean no harm! If you’ll let us go, we won’t ever cross your path again!”

Zenitsu chimes in, ”yeah, what he said! Besides, you wouldn’t want to hurt the cutest little girl you’ll ever see in that box, would you?”

”I could care less about the gender of a demon,” you raise your sword, the tip pointing downwards to the wooden box. You don’t budge when Zenitsu throws himself onto your legs, yanking on the cloth of your uniform.

”WAIT, wait, wait! I have an even better idea!” He wipes his face on the fabric, dampening it with his tears and blood. Why was he crying, anyway? Rocking back and forth, he wails, ”you and me– let’s get married! You’re so strong, you can protect me from all the demons that come our way!”

You kick him away with your right foot, dragging his friend away.

”Listen to me carefully,” you begin, ”once I take care of this demon, you’ll be free to walk away. The two of you are so adamant about letting it live, so I’ll strike you a deal.”

All of them quiet down, but you don’t continue. Guilt trickles through your veins. Must you really be lying to them? Reassuring them that you wouldn’t let Kagaya learn about their breach of conduct when you know damn well you’ll report it as soon as possible?

You gulp.

You’re a good person. A role model for the lower-ranked members of the Corps. Furthermore, you dislike fabricating your words, but at the same time you want to defend the helpless.

This is for the best of humanity, you reason with yourself.

”Hey! I ain’t getting any good vibes from this chick,” Inosuke announces, muscles rippling as he raises his blades in the air. He puffs out his chest. ”Zangetsu! When I go in, you charge right behind, okay?!”

”T-that’s not my name!” he groans in pain. Tears fly out of his eyes and his nose is leaking out blood uncontrollably.

You scoff, ”it’s futile, anyhow. Your buddy can’t even get back up from a single kick.”

He claws at his haori, unexpectedly feeling feverish. His mind is foggy and he can’t get a clear view of you. Huh…Is she…is she a Pillar?

His head slumps to the floor and before he goes out cold, ”Ugh…I think I heard four of my ribs break…”

A small sparrow chirps angrily at you before landing onto the yellow haori of its master. Inosuke tosses his weapons aside and heads over to boot Zenitsu awake. Oh, but you were convinced he wanted to battle you earlier.

Rolling your eyes at how fickle the children were being, you look down.

”You. What’s your name?”

”K–Kamado Tanjirou,” he murmurs. His cheek rubs against the soil. ”You—you said something before, something about a deal.”

”I did, didn’t I?” You press your heel onto his leg, leering over him. ”So how about this. If you let me kill the demon inside that box of yours, it will remain confidential until you or your friends disclose it.”

”Lying to others is excusable sometimes, [Name],” Sabito scolds, ”but don’t ever think that it’s alright to lie to yourself.”

”It helps me feel better, though.”

”You’re just like Giyuu, [Name].”

You laugh. ”Is that bad, though? I like Giyuu!! Heh.”

Almost immediately does Tanjirou shake his head. ”No! I can smell that you’re lying. The person inside this box is more important to me than my own life! I won’t let you kill her! Besides, she hasn’t killed anyone…!”

You sigh, flicking your blade. ”Yet. But please remember that I have been in service far longer than you. My job is to kill demons. Failure to comply with my words will only get yourself killed instead. Would you like me to recite the Demon Slayer protocols for you?”

”You’re afraid of being wrong. You’re afraid of getting hurt.”

”I don’t understand though, Sabito. If it makes me feel okay enough to keep fighting, there’s nothing wrong with that, right?”

“Foolish, is what it is. It’s going to crash down on you like a wave—a tsunami. The self-deception, false sense of securities, holding yourself back. You can’t keep telling yourself you’re strong and you’ll persevere no matter what. That attitude will get you killed if you’re always thinking you’re trying hard enough–if you don’t know your own limitations.”

…

Footsteps approach from behind. Soft and light, it’s very faint – barely audible and coupled with the darkness of the night. Any ordinary human wouldn’t be able to take notice of it, but you’ve been instructed to employ all of your senses ever since you first picked up a sword.

”Hurry up! Take Giyuu and run!” Sabito bends his knees slightly and holds his sword with both of his hands. He assumes a stance in front of you two defensively, but you want to pull him by his clothes and flee with him. ”Don’t just sit there! I’ll take care of this!”

Giyuu is breathing heavily and clutching the side of his head. There is a constant stream of blood trickling down his cheek and eye, causing you to react by placing your hand over his to cease the bleeding. The mask crafted by Urokodaki threatens to slip off as you shake your head furiously.

You don’t want to leave. Just earlier, Giyuu was attacked by a demon who pounced on him from the trees, slashing the skin near his left eye. Your vision had turned red as you hacked its limbs off and swiftly sliced the head, but it left you breathless.

Giyuu was fading in and out, though it was barely the first day of the Final Selection. Sabito was playing hero and triumphing over every demon that crossed his path. If this keeps going on, neither of you would make it out alive unless you recovered from your wounds somewhere safe.

There was another person who stood by your side, trembling in fear as he peeked between you and Sabito. The peach-haired boy had given him orders to take you away, but detecting the tension between you two made him falter.

”No! I’m going to stay and fight with you!”

The frigid evening air was scorching and unbearable as you inhale and exhale rapidly, unable to stabilize your breathing from the anxiety and terror that arises.

‘Calm down. If I can get all of us to cooperate, we will be able to overcome this.’

The monster’s pace is sluggish and heavy, each step resulting in a loud thud to echo throughout the thick and murky forest. Over the disturbance, you can hear Giyuu give out the tiniest whimper, one you could just barely make out. You stroke his hair to reassure him that you were by his side, gliding through the unexpectedly silky strands of his hair, whispering little words of comfort to slow his breathing. He jolts when Sabito shouts at you once more to escape without him.

Your shadow encases Giyuu as you stand over him, grasping the handle of your sword.

”I-it’s just one demon. If we work together, we can win against it somehow.”

Looking over to the nightmare heading over to the four of you, the sight of his countless arms wrapping around his body left you mentally and physically astounded. Your legs shook like a leaf as your grip around your sword loosened significantly. You were sure your shakiness made Giyuu increasingly jittery.

It bothered you how the demon’s eyes seemed to glow so brightly, tearing through the dark like the full moon above. It bothered you how bulky and veiny his entire body was, how his blood red fingernails contrasted with the olive green shade of his skin. The way his arms flail about as he used his hands to trudge atop the mucky terrain, eyes curved upwards with glee and excitement at the sight of some form of sustenance in this isolated woodland.

He covers up a squeal with his hands as he stares at the masks the three of you wore, “I can’t believe that dastard Urokodaki sent three of his students to feast on!”

You watch as he rolls his eyes up in pleasure, muscles tensing as he continues to cackle. It sickened you down to the bones. Who gets off by devouring children who’ve just reached their teenage years?

“Shut up!” You unsheathe your sword, pointing the tip to the demon, “Who said that you’re gonna eat us? We, the disciples of Urokodaki, will destroy you!”

You let out a yelp when Sabito pushes you back with the hilt of his blade, sending you to almost fall on top of Giyuu before you twist your body to land at the ground next to him.

“[Name], just listen to me for once! Don’t be stupid. There’s no way you’re going to defeat him when you haven’t even mastered all the techniques Urokodaki taught us.”

You push yourself back up.

“But we can! Sure you may be stronger than all of us generally, but you can’t handle it by yourself. If we work together…” you trail off when Sabito dismisses you, leaping towards the demon.

”I’m not risking both your lives.”

He changes positions so fast that all you could observe was the blur left behind by his movement.

“Sabito!” Giyuu’s free hand is outstretched in the direction of his friend, and you see the boy from earlier seize Giyuu’s arm before taking ahold of your hand, steering you away from the skirmish.

Sabito veers around one final time while in the air, initiating his breathing techniques. From afar, you can see how remorse is conveyed in his eyes, the way he seems to ask for forgiveness in his smile. Your vision wobbles and distorts his image into nothing but haze and fog.

You attempt to dig your heels into the ground to stop the male from tugging you farther away. Your elbow meets his ribs and you accidentally kick Giyuu in the process. You can’t bring yourself to mutter an apology or stop thrashing. Blinking back your tears, you could see his lips move as clear as day, murmuring a single word.

“Run.”

He’s begging.

You stop struggling. Giyuu is left questioning why amidst the steadfast hammering of his head.

“Hang in there, Sabito! I’ll come back for you, I swear it!”

…

Run!

Hurriedly, you snatch up Tanjirou by his collar and hoist him aside to shield him, whipping your blade up and clashing with another of your kind. A Slayer–but this time you recognize him as the person who you offered your Pillar seat to.

”Giyuu?” You don’t believe your eyes. You’ve seen hundreds of people with the same color hair and the same dull eyes he bore which led you to believe that you were mistaken, but the haori was a sure sign of who he was. ”Is that you? What are you doing here?”

Tanjirou looks up in relief at the name. Inosuke gives up on reviving his comrade, wondering what the hell is going on with so much noise.

”[Name]…?” His somber blue eyes look incredulously at you, from the pattern of your scarf to your sword. He takes notice of how his hands tremble from your strength, something that had never occurred before. You seem to have matured in appearance also; how he didn’t have to tilt his head down to meet your eyes anymore. How your face and physique became slimmer from the strict and rigorous routine of slaying demons.

You also take a few seconds to look at him, steel grating together.

He didn’t change much ever since you last saw him. You could really only point out how his hair grew longer and perhaps a couple of centimeters to his height, but you don’t remember.

Focus.

You shove him away with your weapon, skidding back and taking ahold of Tanjirou once more. The Pillar eyes the way you’re handling him, how you urge your blade towards the box on his shoulders.

”Don’t just stare! You can feel it too, right? The demon inside this?” you clink your blade urgently onto the wood, vying for his attention. As a Pillar, there was no doubt he sensed it.

Demons are the terrors of mankind, both of you agreed to before.

After a moment, he nods. ”I’ve known for two years.”

And you didn’t know about it? Obviously, you were busy for the past couple of years with missions nonstop, but… it just felt wrong. You couldn’t put your finger on it.

“You’re joking, right? Giyuu.” This couldn’t be his choice. That dumb kid with that scar on his forehead had to have brainwashed your friend or something.

Demons are evil. They’re merciless. Insatiable. They slaughter countless innocent people. They killed your family. Sabito’s family. Giyuu’s older sister. Sabito.

So why in the world would he permit one to blend away with the humans?

”This is a violation of the Demon Slaying Corps conduct, Giyuu. We can’t let a demon live with them! As Slayers, we are trained to protect the humans with our lives. What would happen if that girl attacks an unsuspecting victim? Think about it. When has there ever been a demon who lived in harmony with us?”

Tanjirou makes a noise, presumably to receive approval to speak.

”Quiet, boy. The adults are speaking here.” He shrinks back, sweating profusely. Not a whimper or sound breaks out of his lips in fear of your wrath and bitterness. ”Not only have you desecrated this sacred forest by luring demons here, but you dare bring one willingly?”

Giyuu steps forth, sheathing his sword. He wouldn’t be needing it anymore.

“[Name], stop. It’s a pledge our mentor and I agreed to make.” You almost drop your sword but quickly tightened up your grip. Did that imply that this child trained with your instructor? Nevermind that, but Urokodaki of all people sheltered a fiend in his run-down lodging? ”If his sister ever attacks a human, we will compensate for it with our lives.”

You bite back the words you desperately want to say.

(”You’re going to cast away the life your sister sacrificed for you? The life that Sabito died for? For a mere demon we can kill right now?”)

Yeah, there was no way you were going to say that. Not to the person you’ve been yearning to meet, the person you fell in love with and only realized it when you departed from him. You don’t want to be away from him ever again. Not when it’s like he’s dangling off the edge of a cliff, wet and slippery from rain, merely holding on by the tips of his fingers. Not when he takes a glance down, believing that plunging into the shallow and murky river water was better than living with guilt and shame of surviving death multiple times–surviving at the expense of those he cared for dearly.

Tears rush out of your eyes like the raindrops that drip from the roof after a stormy day. Damn these feelings! You were supposed to be furious at Giyuu, not getting sentimental and mushy over your past!

Tanjirou lets out an oomph when you drop him in favor of clearing your tears away. The males, save for Zenitsu, are appalled (maybe not Giyuu, he knows how you are) by how quickly your mood shifts, though they are glad for your change of heart. Inosuke doesn’t quite understand all the details, but suddenly he’s craving for a piping hot meal to fill up the bottomless pit that is his stomach. And a good night’s sleep included, preferably.

An old crow totters to your feet, inclining its head. You do the same without much of a thought, sniffling. Was this Giyuu’s crow? It’s shivering for whatever reason. Was it because of its age? Why did he get an old crow? Wait, that doesn’t matter.

”You and me, we need to talk.” Returning your blade to its sheath, you stomp over to Giyuu and snatch his hand in yours. Turning back, you look at Tanjirou, ”I’m not escorting you back to a village. Tell your crow to navigate you to a Wisteria crest estate or whatever. Better hurry up or your friend may never wake up.”

Apparently, the boar wasn’t too happy about the

”GAH! HEY!!” Inosuke tosses his head back, roaring and nearly prompting his mask to slip off. ”Come back here, we still need to decide who’s the strongest! I’ll crush—”

”Oh, um–Thank you so much!” Tanjirou interrupts, adjusting the box to his front then slinging Zenitsu onto his back, causing the unconscious male’s head to knock into Tanjirou’s shoulder. The red-haired boy stumbles from the weight bearing down on his injuries before gathering himself together, nodding to both you and Giyuu before heading out the other direction. He looks back, ”Come on, Inosuke!”

Inosuke glances back and forth, back and forth, and back and forth–before growling and stampeding to where Tanjirou had went.

You do the same, hand held tight around Giyuu’s and leading him through the forest. His hands were large and warm, perfectly clasped around yours even if his grip was loose.

“I can’t believe this,” you take a sharp turn and exit out the forest, bustling through the shrubbery.

The leaves that scatter around you are dancers and their stage the wispy breeze. Fluttering without care, twirling on instinct, the sharp whistle of the breeze guiding them to the ground as the music dies down. Drop, drop, drop. Few nestle in your hair and take the form of adornments, and others to Giyuu’s.

“Do you even know what you’re going to do when Master finds out? Can you even explain your decision of leaving his sister alive?”

He gazes into the ice of your eyes, silent when you squeeze his hand tighter, begging for a response.

”Do you still hate me?” you ask. His hand grows clammy in yours. ”I know that I haven’t been a good friend to you ever since Sabito died. But this is serious, Giyuu. What good comes out of this when the aftermath is either death or expulsion from the Corps? Do you really want to give up on life so badly?”

Though there is no clock nearby, you can hear and feel the seconds tick by as the deafening silence trails on. Tick, tick, tick. Time is endless, people say. Was it true, though? When people die, time ends for them. In no way would it resume. It’s simply impossible.

He tears his eyes away from yours, suddenly finding the ground appealing. You wonder if he feels uncomfortable with your hand-holding. You don’t let go regardless.

“When I received the message from Oyakata-sama that I could have challenged you to the Water Pillar seat two years ago, I refused. I felt that maybe your life could change for the better if you had a higher pedestal to stand on when you’re so dedicated to defeating demons. Don’t you remember how Sabito slapped the shit out of you when you thought you were better off dying? You hate it when people throw their lives away, but why are you so convinced that she wouldn’t attack a human? You might die, so why? Tell me.”

Being a Pillar was a challenge you constantly strived to succeed in. Not only was it an esteemed and honorable position granted to the most formidable swordsman of the organization, but each Pillar had a certain Breath Style that sets them apart from the others. You had considered developing another Breath Style that derives from the Breath of Water, but you decided to create original techniques, using the tools you had already.

You wanted to be part of a group that recognized your power. Wanted. That was when you were still training with Urokodaki, Sabito, and Giyuu. But these accumulations of events, from Sabito’s death to your separation from Giyuu and all in between, led you to realize that power wasn’t all you needed. Instead, to cherish what you already achieved.

You’re powerful, you’re talented, and you’ll cherish those aspects. But you won’t let it overcome what you truly love.

“Because…” You quiet down your thoughts. ”Even when his sister was in a starved state, wounded, and had little stamina from turning into a demon, she still protected Tanjirou. She was different. Most would take advantage of an unconscious human right under their nose.”

Never had you heard of a demon denying human flesh in your life.

”You weren’t imagining things, right?” you tug him closer, eyes wide and skeptical, though you cannot recall a moment where Giyuu lied to you. ”I’ve never heard of a case such as that. But if there’s never been a fatality in two years as you said, then…”

There will most likely never be one. Unless her brother was endangered by another human, or if she needed their flesh to replenish the stamina she’s lost. Still, Tanjirou promised Giyuu that he wouldn’t let it happen.

You slump down your shoulders in defeat. There was no point in mulling over it when you had already allowed them to escape. You couldn’t take back your decision. Not only would it look bad on your character, but Giyuu would probably despise you soon after.

”You win. And guess what? You have my word that I won’t tell Master.”

”Why?” he asks.

”Don’t question me. Aren’t you glad?”

He nods.

”Good.”

You shiver as the wind picks up once more. Giyuu gently releases your hand and shrugs off his haori, ignoring your protests as he swings it above your head and drapes it onto your shoulders.

“I don’t need it. I’m not cold.”

“Still–”

You quiet down when he reaches over to tug you to his chest. Your nose collides into the rigidness of his muscles, dumbfounded by his actions.

Giyuu positions his hand onto the back of your head and encircles his arms around your waist, adjusting your head so that your ear laid above his heart.

You fiddle with the material of his dark uniform, hesitant on returning the embrace.

Despite how reserved and gracious he sounded, his heartbeat said otherwise. It was almost like he had been jogging without rest before pulling you into a hug, but you don’t mind. Similarly, you could hear your own pulse ringing in your ears by how nervous you felt.

This is normal. It’s comparable to those novels you’ve read in the past where friends cry and snuggle into their friends’ arms, whom they have not seen in a while.

”I’m sorry, [Name].”

You don’t move. ”For what?”

”I was naive of your emotions after he passed. It was selfish of me to distance myself from you when you were also grieving. If I hadn’t gotten wounded badly that day, we would all still be together and he would claim the title of Water Pillar rather than me.”

You bring your hands to his sides, hovering over the folds of his attire.

”Yikes, so there’s no odds of me even becoming the Water Pillar? Hurtful, but I get it,” you jest lightly, but you’re aware that wasn’t what he was insinuating. ”Though if anyone should be apologizing, it’s me. I treated you harshly and expected you to overcome his death in terrible means. I abandoned you and never delivered any letters to you when you were probably worried about me.”

He shakes his head. ”I didn’t, either.”

”You’re right.” you wrap your arms around him fully, nuzzling your face into his chest. Your voice is muffled by his clothes when you speak. ”But we forgive each other, right?”

”No.”

You jerk your head up to meet his soft eyes that deviated from his sharp features.

”Not until you promise that you’ll be with me from now on.”

Since when did he get so bold?

”Was it like torture for you these past few years?” he doesn’t respond to the question so you continue. ”It was for me. That look you gave me when I left you hurt a lot. But I couldn’t do anything about it because of the mission I was assigned—the one with the two orphans.” You shift against his body, legs tingly from standing still for too long. ”Anyways, how is he doing right now? I heard he became a Pillar two years ago.”

”Tokitou?” You snap your fingers in response, thinking back to the air-headed and apathetic teenager you found with Amane and her children. ”He spaces out most of the time during the day.”

That’s all he has to say?

”Oh. Well, good for him. It’s remarkable for someone of his age to satisfy the Pillar requirements with so little training. I’m a little envious of him.”

The kid was wounded terribly when you arrived at his residence, clutching the hand of his lifeless twin brother. You don’t know much about him since you were appointed another task by Kagaya the day after, but you were still curious about what became of him.

”Who cares, though. My dream to be a Pillar is far behind me now.” You hum, thinking back to his statement from a few moments ago.

”Not until you promise that you’ll be with me from now on.”

What the hell was that? If anyone else had heard him, they would assume he was proposing to you.

Was it just you or was it getting hotter and hotter? Perhaps the body heat from Giyuu and the warmth of his haori was making your senses all fuzzy.

”Okay.” you fasten your arms tighter around him, rooting him in his spot. Your mind is spinning and your cheeks are flushed. ”Okay, I promise. Master is pretty lenient with team arrangements, so I don’t doubt that he’ll allow us. Perhaps it could be just like the old times where we protected each other, ate, and trained together. Would we be unstoppable? Maybe, but who knows. It wouldn’t be so bad though since I like you. Heh.”

It felt like you’ve said this before, maybe in the past to him. Déjà vu, probably.

He thanks you, but doesn’t say much after. You couldn’t see it in the night, but his complexion reddens, believing that you hadn’t given him your attention earlier.

”I heard you. Now, let’s go rest somewhere before reporting to Master tomorrow at dawn.”

Like a flash of lighting, you nudge Giyuu away and take his hand–haori swaying to and fro along with the motion–steering him to the Wisteria crest manor you had Tanjirou visit.

#chew writes #request #sabito x reader #giyuu x reader #giyuu tomioka x reader #tomioka giyuu x reader #kny x reader #demon slayer x reader #kimetsu no yaiba x reader #kimetsu no yaiba #kny spoilers #kny #giyuu

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dellikay · 3 years

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Arnold Chiari Malformation Blogs: How it all began & getting a diagnosis

This is the first in a series of blogs where I’m going to be writing about my experiences with Arnold Chiari Malformation (ACM, as it will be referred to from here on out), ranging from how my condition suddenly worsened and made it itself known, all the way to present day and how it affects me now. These will all be likely very long posts, but there is a lot of information to share and it is all integral to address, so that people reading this who don’t know much about the condition can understand exactly what the condition entails and how it feels to actually have it. I’ve split the whole ‘story’ into five parts and will be working to get those typed up and released as soon as possible. What I want to start with is how my condition made itself known to me, having laid dormant internally for 15 years of my life and the ordeals I went through to secure a correct diagnosis. It all started on a perfectly normal day - I was playing Simon the Sorcerer 3D (I’m blaming the game for it all because it was bloody awful and broken beyond all belief) on the family computer. I got to a part of the game (among many others) where the game had glitched and I couldn’t progress any further. I accessed a walkthrough online and read how to navigate around the glitch. I then started to feel nauseous. I tried to carry on as normal, but the intensity of the nausea increased rapidly and I had a really massive headache, one of the worst that I had ever experienced up until that point in time. I had to give up on my game and laid down flat on the settee. Before long, I was having major coughing fits and had to run to the toilet to be violently sick. This, of course, made the headache worse, so I ended up making up a bed on the settee and having to stay on there. I was too weak to do anything and I kept having to rush to the toilet at the drop of a hat to be sick over and over again. After a few days, my other symptoms from what we assumed was the flu started to subside but I was still being violently sick multiple times a day and had agonising headaches that lasted all day and all night. I assumed the headaches were an issue because of how often and how forcefully I was being sick multiple times a day. Months passed and I was still the same. I’d been to see my then GP a couple of times since regarding what was happening to me. Because I had been diagnosed with OCD and depression from the age of 11, he immediately assumed that my symptoms were a physical manifestation of my mental illness, so just upped my dosage of whatever I was on at the time and sent me on my way. I was going to college by this time, after I had to leave secondary school due to being bullied to the point of...well, not being in a very good state of mind, I’ll just put it that way. Somehow, I managed to attend classes and go when I should do and even went on a trip to Alton Towers with the group I was in there, all the while getting worse physically, having to excuse myself from lessons suddenly to go and be sick and having headaches so bad that I had to lay my head down on the desk. Walking to and from college (which was literally a ten minute walk from my house) become more perilous as my balance became affected...on one occasion, I was crossing the road and a car was approaching faster than I anticipated. I tried to run the rest of the way over but my legs immediately collapsed from under me and I fell flat onto the road, about six feet in front of the car. Thankfully, the driver had seen what was going to happen and had the foresight to slow right down. However, I couldn’t get myself off the road because I was dizzy and my legs didn’t want to cooperate and no one stopped to help me or to see if I was alright. I walked the rest of the way home in tears. I didn’t know what was going on and was obviously shaken from what had just happened as well as the sheer rejection from the public who just acted like I was invisible even though I was in dire need of help. Sadly, after a few more months of this deterioration, I had to stop going to college because I was too poorly to make it through lessons and the journey to and from college was way too risky. From one end of the day to the other, I laid flat on the settee and was just enveloped in a complete world of pain. I persisted with my GP, insisting that there was something physically wrong with me, as opposed to it all being ‘in my head’ (ironically) and that the medication he had put me on my own wasn’t doing anything to stop the headaches or the vomiting. He wouldn’t listen to me and even got cross with me at one point and basically told me to stop putting it on to get attention. I felt defeated - I KNEW my own body and I KNEW that there was something very wrong but no one would listen to me. I could see and feel that it was getting worse. My balance became worse still, my weight had plummeted because I couldn’t keep any food in my system, I was still being sick multiple times a day and by the end, just bringing up water because my stomach was empty. I was accused of having an eating disorder and once again, doing this all to myself for attention. My headaches had got so bad that one time, I was laid on the floor in the living room because my head was too painful to stand or even sit up and suddenly my body started to move of its own accord. It was like I was rolling down a hill but I was on a completely flat surface. My body kept trying to roll to the side as if to balance itself if I was on a slope. It was completely out of my control and certainly one of the scariest parts of pre-diagnosis. I phoned for an appointment with my GP again, ready to stand my ground and insist once more that my symptoms were the result of something physical. I was angry, in incredible pain 24/7, weak, scared and I just wanted to be heard. When I went to the doctors, not feeling the most confident, I was told that my GP was off that day and I would be seeing one of the junior doctors instead. This made me feel a tiny glimmer of hope but I repressed it just in case he was of the same mindset as my regular doctor and he also accused me of being an attention seeker. When I was called into his office, I took a seat and I was asked to describe my symptoms. As I told him, the doctor started to look more and more concerned. He did some balance tests on me, which obviously I was incapable of completing and within five minutes, he told me that in no uncertain terms that my symptoms were way too severe to be merely a figment of my imagination and that he agreed that there was something physically wrong with me. He told me he’d book me in for an MRI. Finally. Someone listened. Someone believed me. I cried, partly from relief and elation that I had a chance of being saved from whatever it was that was destroying me from the inside out - and partly from fear because there really, truly was something wrong with me. Something seriously wrong with me, according to the doctor I had just seen. The following few months are a blur to me and I can’t remember any real details about what happened or the order in which things happened. I just remember going to Queen’s Medical Centre in Nottingham multiple times, being prodded and poked and being sent for more scans and then I saw a man who warned me that no matter what a man called Mr White said to me, I should REFUSE to have brain surgery. Under no circumstances should I listen to what he was saying and carry on as I was. He also asked me outright if I thought I had an eating disorder (basically, that I was causing myself to be sick and lose all of this weight - which was getting on for four and a half stones (63lbs) by the point - and made me feel like I had to concede that there was a possibility that could be the case, even though I knew it wasn’t. Of course, being in the sorry state that I was, I couldn’t understand this path of logic and neither could my parents. It turns out the Mr White was one of the leading brain surgeons in the country, specialised in rare brain conditions and would be the one to perform my surgery if I consented. We (as in me and my parents) met him shortly after and well, basically me and Mum fell in love with him. Lol. He was very softly spoken, gentle and kind - completely different to the man we had seen previously. Mr White was the one who told me I had Chiari Malformation Type 2 and what that meant. I was 18 years at the time (bear in mind my symptoms had started when I was 15) so he took his time with me, was very patient because he could see how terrified I was about what he was telling me and told me everything I needed to know and answered any questions I had. He explained why I was experiencing the symptoms I had and how the surgery would at the very least hopefully stop the progression of them getting even worse. He also told me that alongside the ACM, I also had hydrocephalus (water on the brain) and this was putting extra pressure on my brain and squeezing it into an even tighter space. This also meant I had a rare version of a rare condition (as it was known now - the classification of the illness has now been upgraded to ‘uncommon’, which means it’s not as rare as once thought but often misdiagnosed) so any surgery that would be carried out on me was not guaranteed to have the same level of success as if I hadn’t had the hydrocephalus. In fact, my cerebellum (the part of the brain that controls the nervous system, balance and coordination and reactions to external stimuli) had been wedged behind the top few vertebrae of my spine, which was what was causing the disabling headaches. Despite what the other man had advised me to do, I agreed to the surgery. There was no other way I was going to get better. It was scary either way and the decision was completely mine to make. Mr White was extremely concerned as he could see how poorly and fragile I was and was pushing for me to have the surgery before Christmas (I think we went to go and see him at some point in November). However, I was frightened and I just wanted one more Christmas before going through such a huge life event. I wasn’t sure I’d make it out the other side so I wanted just one more big celebration. Even though he wasn’t best happy with me wanting to wait until after Christmas, he agreed but he said he would book me in for as soon as possible afterwards. Basically, time was of the essence, I had a ticking time bomb in my head and it could have detonated at any second. I was too young and too frightened to understand at the time but me choosing to have the surgery a month or so later than was wanted by the surgeon could have cost me my ability to walk entirely or my life if my health had taken another slump.

#rare illness #Arnold Chiari Malformation #chiari #brain surgery #chronic illness #surgery

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rancoeur-the-unfortunate · 5 years

Text

Pills (Chapter 21)

(4127 words bitchs!!!)

Dib waited about 10 minutes before he decided to go find Zim. It took a bit of searching before he spotted the Irken near the river. He was sitting about ten feet from water, his legs hanging off the cliff his back to Dib.

Dib took a deep breath and approached the Irken, sitting down beside him.

"Heh, I've never seen you willingly, close to water before." Dib tried to lighten the mood however, he knew it was a fruitless attempt.

One look at the Irken was all Dib needed to know Zim had been crying. Zim was staring off into the water down low.

"Dib human... have you ever had someone you care about, betray you?" Zim spoke with a hushed voice.

Dib paused for a bit. The only person that came to mind was his dad. But at least he knew his dad loved him. But that wasn't what Zim needed right now, he needed someone to relate.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"What's it like?"

Dib looked to the Irken. Zim had this look of pure despair like he was just about to break and for the first time in his life that wasn't what Dib wanted.

"It's lonely." Dib looks down into his lap, his shoulders slumped. "It makes you feel as though you could never trust anyone again and that you'd be better off by yourself."

Dib pauses, then looks to the Irken.

"Do you feel like that Zim?"

"That's just the thing. Zim has always felt that way. But now... Zim doesn't know what I'm feeling."

The human didn't know how to respond to that. It was obvious that Zim was lost and scared, but could Dib help him pick himself back up?

With that in mind, the teenager takes a deep breath and opens his arms out to the Irken. At first, Zim gave him a weird look, not yet understanding the gesture before it clicks. He'd seen humans do this before. It was a display of affection and companionship. As always Zim was apprehensive at first but when he saw that Dib wasn't going to hurt him, Zim slowly slid closer and into Dib's arms. Dib wrapped Zim into his embrace whilst Zim hugged Dib's middle. The two sat like that for a while, sharing their first-ever real hug.

Zim couldn't name the feeling that erupted in his chest, it was warm and fuzzy. A side effect of the drugs maybe? Whatever it was, it made Zim feel all tingly inside. As if everything was going to be alright if he just held on for dear life. Zim could feel some sort of dependence growing for Dib. Of course, Zim could never be too reliant on another being, but it was different with Dib. He felt truly safe.

Dib was practically swimming in his mind. If you had told 12-year-old him that in the future he'd be hugging his worst enemy Zim, he would have called you insane and ran for the hills. Yet, it felt right to hold the Irken in his arms. Ever since Dib could think properly, all he ever wanted to do was help others even if he got hurt in the process and right now it was Zim who needed his help. Softy, he stroked the aliens head, whispering meaningless words. He hoped he could at least help the Irken cope.

Dib looked up at the sky, bright blue with only a few passing clouds, it was a beautiful day.

Unbeknownst to the couple, another teenager wearing all camouflage was hiding in a bush and currently spying on them. The kid was covered in fake leaves and twigs as though they would help conceal him more.

Agent Callus licked his lips and pulled up his camera with a quick snap he took at least three pictures of the two before going back into his dormant state. He had to wait for them to leave before he could move. In the meantime, he continued to watch them. It wasn't hard for Callus to find them, he knew of Dib's obsession with Zim.

-About a month ago-

At first he, like the rest of the world Dib was insane and that Zim was just a strange sickly child. However, Callus like Dib was born with a strange power most humans lacked, perception. He noticed Zim's strange mannerisms and dialect. He also noticed Zim's inability to eat anything that the Skool lunch provided him with. After a while Callus started to believe Dib, there was just something not right about that green boy. After combining all of his evidence against Zim, Callus had finally decided. He was going to ask Dib if he could join him. Agent Callus didn't want to go against Zim until he was sure Zim was an alien. Plus, the two could accomplish so much more if they worked together. Not to mention Callus would very much like to gain the favor of Professor Membrane.

Finally, Callus took a deep breath and grabbed his briefcase full of evidence. He planned to approach Dib and ask him to be his partner after showing him his evidence. However, Dib seemed to be preoccupied the whole day. All he did was stare at Zim like a deer in headlights. The only time Callus got to talk with him was when he caught Dib running down the main hallway. The Agent stood in his way trying to talk but Dib had just brushed him off and rushed past him.

Callus stood in the entrance of the Skool, in front of him were Zim and Dib. Zim looked nervous while Dib had the most sadistic look of satisfaction Callus had ever seen on a teenager. He was screaming accusing Zim of being a drug addict eventually causing Zim to run away. Callus didn't know what to think at first, so he just walked home. It wasn't long until posts of the incident were up online. One blog made by someone with the username 'TheTruthSpread' which was Dib obviously. The blog was chock full of evidence against Zim, nothing that blatantly said "Zim is an alien!" but a lot of it entailed that Zim was not what he seemed.

A week later the blog was filled to the brim with pictures and videos of people recording Zim. The was one of Zim attacking Zita in class after she called him a drug bug. One of Zim sitting on a bench talking with that strange ginger boy Keef. Even one of Zim walking home. Callus recognized that street he was only a few blocks down. If he could just get in there and snap a few pictures he could the Swollen Eyeball interested. Imagine the publicity he'd get if he could just catch that alien.

With his mind made up Agent Callus tugged on his black catsuit and night vision goggles. Money wasn't a problem in his home. That being said Callus was nowhere near as rich as the Membrane family.

Callus ran to Zim's house, the house itself was alien, with its neon green walls, huge satellite, creepy lawn decor, and huge tubes that seemed to be connected to the other two neighboring houses. Was Zim stealing power from those houses? Callus quietly crept up to Zim's home and peeked inside the tinted windows. The place seemed empty with no one in sight. The agent tried the window and to his dismay, it was locked. So he ran around the side and found a window leading to what appeared to be a kitchen. The large sign shouting kitchen helped him infer. Callus took his time inspecting the place. To the wallpaper, to the toilet in the kitchen, to the picture of that freaky monkey on the wall the entire place sent waves of shivers down Callus' back.

The agent shook his head and began looking for any secret entrances to the base. He pulled out a device from his case and become checking every corner of the very small 'house'. The device would send out little vibrations and look for hallow structures and Callus found lots of those and as convenient as that was, he couldn't find any entrances until he got to the toilet. When the handle was pulled a trap open and fell into a tube. Callus took in a breath and stepped into the bowl and pulled the handle and fell down the tube. He fell for a few seconds before landing into a sphere. The chair he tossed to wasn't the comfiest thing in the world but it felt pretty weird to be in. However, Callus completely forgot about the chair when he noticed what was right in front of him. Screens filled his vision, the cameras of the base were on full display to him. The base was a lot bigger then Callus could have ever imagined.

To the right was what Callus had to assume was the lab wing of the base and on the third screen was the green alien himself, arms crossed and laying on a counter, sleeping peacefully without his disguise.

Callus quickly pulled out his camera and quickly snapped as many photos as he could.

"Just wait until the Swollen Eyeball sees this, I'll be in the higher ranks for sure." Callus smiled at the thought.

"Intruder alert!" Shouted a disembodied voice.

All Callus managed to say was a short "Oh no." before being grabbed roughly by a grabbed a robotic arm and being tossed outside onto the lawn. Was this what Dib had to put up with? Before Callus could even get up he was being shot at by the lawn gnomes. He shrieked and jumped out into the road, they wouldn't stop shooting until he was out of sight behind another house.

What Callus couldn't believe was that no one heard anything, there were at least six houses on this street within earshot. Callus brushed it off and ran to his house with his evidence. Ready to send it the Agent GubGrub.

-Now-

Figuring out where Dib had taken Zim was a way to easy. All he had to do was ask Dib's dad. For being the smartest man in the world, the guy was pretty negligent when it came to privacy.

The two left after a while and Callus finally crawled out of the dirt. More pictures were a start but if he wanted to impress the Swollen Eyeball, he'd need to find a way to contain the alien. Callus made his way back into the woods, he'd think of something.

-About 2 years ago on a very distant planet-

(WARNING this part is a little graphic, no gore but definitely pain)

When Skoodge was shot into Blorch during the canon sweep all he could feel was terror and worry. With the planet getting closer and closer Skoodge closed his eyes and tried to block it all out. His entire body was engulfed in a blue flame as he entered the atmosphere. His skin was on fire and it felt as though his antennae were burning off. All he could hear was screaming and the sounds of lasers firing in the distance, it took Skoodge to realize it was he who was screaming. Eventually, the Irken had fallen through the clouds of Blorch and hit the dirt with a thud, it didn't end there though. Skoodge's round body bounced on the ground for two more times before hitting large rock's side and falling on his front.

The pain was excruciating, attempting to lift so much as a finger was painful. Skoodge whimpered and tried to ignore the upcoming tears. He had to get up and inspect the damage to his person. So with a deep breath, Skoodge placed his hands on the dirt and pushed up. Skoodge screamed when he tried to move his legs, so he turned himself over to get a batter look at them.

The tibia in his right leg was sticking out of his skin, blood decorated his legging. Skoodge whimpered, he did not want to set that. He had to set it though if he wanted to keep his leg.

On the bright side, Skoodge's arms seemed to be working fine. His right arm might be sprained but he could still use it. The cuts and scratches would need treating though.

Alright now for the antennae, gently Skoodge dragged his fingers over his antennae, looking for any tears or breaks. Bends and twists in the antennae could be treated. Any cuts or rips though and the antennae must be removed. His antennae didn't seem to have any tears but the were bent to hell and back.

Aside from the broken leg, the sprain, and what most certainly is a concussion in his head, Skoodge deemed himself alright. He then reached back and opened his pac to get his medical supplies. His pak was unharmed and that was a Tallest sent.

'Alright Skoodge, let's get started on that leg. Don't want to bleed out do you?' The invader muttered to himself in Irken.

Skoodge took in another few deep breaths and hoped the adrenaline would keep him up long enough to take care of the bleeding. He set himself up against the rock he had previously hit. The Irken grabbed his leg and grabbed a stick off the ground and put it in his mouth so he could bite it. He then pushed until he heard and loud CRACK and even more pain gripped him and wouldn't let go. He screamed into the stick and sobbed. He mended the wound with gauze and made sure to apply enough pressure. He then used the sturdy stick as a splint, wrapping it up in gauze. Skoodge's sobs soon dwindled as he tended to rest of his wounds.

As it turns out Skoodge's skin wasn't as burned as he thought it was, that was a relief. Finally, done dressing his wounds, Skoodge's adrenaline had run clean and soon he could no longer keep his eyes open. Before he knew it, the Irken was out like a light.

Skoodge woke up to the sun rising on the horizon. He was parched and still in a lot of pain. The Irken took it slow as he used the rock behind him to get up. He looked up and spotted the Massive hovering overhead, along with the Armada. Still shooting lasers into the planet. No doubt they'd be sending down a construction vessel to get to work on building the parking structure once all the life on this planet was destroyed. Maybe Skoodge could hitch a ride on one of those? The short Irken nodded to himself. All Skoodge would have to do was wait until the vessel arrived. Happy with his new plan, now was the time to focus on surviving.

Step one to survival, find a water source.

The thing about Blorch was that it had really short days and really, really long days so the planet was usually wet, dark, and damp. The perfect habitat to the planet's inhabitants. Skoodge looked around, he was in one of the more wooden parts of Blorch. A river shouldn't be too far away.

As Skoodge walked, he straightened his antennae to help him listen for any flowing water.

The Irken must have walking for a little over an hour because the sun was already setting. Skoodge was about to stop for a break when he heard the soft sounds of water running over rocks. Skoodge smiled and ran to the sound, and immediately regretted it because of his broken leg, He chose to walk to limp the rest of the way.

The water was a murky black and most likely poisonous. Skoodge knelt beside it, pulled out his water purifier from his pak, and filled it to the brim with the inky liquid. He sat by a tree and waited for the purifier to filter the water. He looked up at the Massive partially obscuring the starry night.

'Why did they shoot me down here? Did I do something wrong?' Skoodge asked no one.

'how will I get my medication?'

The Invader shuttered at the thought.

'No, this is a test, they'll get it to me I'm sure.'

Skoodge made a small shelter out of sticks and leaves by the river and sipped the 'water'. He used the rest to clean his cuts that weren't serious enough to require gauze. He collected more water to filter and laid in his shelter. Good thing he made his shelter too because a few minutes later the rain started to pour.

About a week on Blorch, eating nasty things and drinking inky water. Skoodge was starting to experience the effects of withdrawal. He'd spend hours of his time starving because he had already finished his rations. Skoodge was exhausted all the time, but no matter what he tried he just couldn't sleep and his body wouldn't stop aching. On the nights he could sleep however, his mind was filled with nightmares. Nightmares that were so graphic, Skoodge almost thought they were real.

Two weeks on Blorch and Skoodge felt like he was going mad. He could hardly stand without his pak legs for aid. He slept a lot more now, but he wished he didn't. He hated the nasty things he had to put in his mouth to survive. He sat by the river, he hated the water it tasted horrible and never kept him hydrated long enough. He was starting to hate a lot of things. Which was incredibly weird. Since when did Skoodge ever hate things?

Every day that he could, Skoodge would leave his camp and look for any construction ships they may have landed while he was asleep. So far, none have.

Week three on Blorch, Skoodge spent every day curled up into a ball. He'd get these horrible headaches, headaches that prevented him from moving without excruciating pain. This made looking for nasty things to eat and looking for construction vessels a lot harder. Skoodge was starting to get homesick. He didn't want to be on Blorch anymore.

Week four, Skoodge had his first 'dream'.

He was on his knees in a dark room. He scanned the area around him but found nothing. Until suddenly a spotlight turned on and Zim appeared next to him, also on his knees. The other also had this look of pure anger on his face.

Skoodge wanted to ask Zim what was going on when another light turned on and the room was illuminated. Three taller Irkens stood before them and two behind them, holding his and Zim's heads down. The three in front couldn't have been more than adolescent smeets wearing training gear. Skoodge wanted to demand the meaning of this, but he wasn't in control of his body right now. He turned to look at Zim only to see he too was an adolescent smeet, they both were.

'Puny shorties!' One of the smeets in front laughed crossing his arms.

'What do you think you're doing wearing invader training gear anyways?' The one to the right sneered.

'We ARE invaders!' Zim shouted fighting the Irken holding his head down. Zim was a lot smaller the Skoodge in his adolescence, but he was still a strong fighter.

'Yeah! Our height has nothing to do with it!' Skoodge heard himself yell.

'You're wrong there.' The one behind him taunted. 'Your height has everything to do with it.'

'You're way too weak to handle invading, you two fit more into the category of foodservice drones.' The smeet in the middle smirked her hands on her hips.

'Fuck off! I'm not in the mood for chit-chat! If you're going to beat me up, then get it over with so I don't have to listen to your annoying voices!' Zim screamed.

The one in the middle, the leader it seemed snarled and reeled her fist back.

The smeets took their time in hurting the two of them, however, their first mistake was underestimating Zim. Midbeating, the smeet hold Zim down had lost her grip and Zim took advantage of it. He kicked her in the face and grabbed Skoodge's arm. They ran down the hallway making twists and turns eventually they ran into a janitorial closet. Once inside the to collapsed on their sides, facing each other trying to catch their breaths. Zim had multiple bruises and cuts all over his body as well as a broken arm. Skoodge wasn't any better, now sporting a black eye and missing a few teeth.

'You.. know... that was.. pretty brave.. what you did.. back there.' Skoodge panted in between words.

'I... know.' Zim smirked only to wince in pain.

'Are you alright?' Skoodge looked concerned.

'I will survive... I liked what you said back there. You know, about how our height has nothing to do with our abilities.'

Skoodge smiled.

'Well, it's true.'

'Do believe that? That a short Irken can do the same things as a tall Irken?' Zim almost looked hopeful.

'Heck yeah, the only difference is our height. They're not smarter than us. They're not stronger than us. We could rule just like any Tallest could.'

Zim smiled at that.

'My name is Zim.' The smaller of the two then offered his hand.

'Skoodge.' Skoodge shook his hand and the two laid like that for the Tallest knows how long. Just holding hands and staring at each other in contentment.

Skoodge sat up in a start and nearly screamed when he jostled his injured leg.

Week five, Skoodge didn't need his splint anymore, he was feeling better. But the nightmares never stop.

Week six, Skoodge remembers everything. He remembers the drugs, he remembers the resistance, but most importantly he remembers Zim. He remembers just how close they used to be and how the Tallest had used drugs to keep them apart. They ruined Zim, just like they had ruined him. But now, he'd be sure to get revenge. The massive had left weeks ago, Skoodge guessed the Tallests were bored to the terrified screams of the slaughtering rat people. But a few sub ships of the Armada remained and just as Skoodge had predicted and construction ship landed nearby.

Sneaking on was the easy part, staying hidden onboard was the challenge. The construction drones would come in and go out frequently, gathering supplies for building. They'd be here for a while too, which was also a problem. But Skoodge couldn't possibly fly this thing. He'd never flown anything other than the standard voot cruiser.

That not true, you used to fly much bigger ships then this with Zim all the time remember?

He did remember, he did remember flying with Zim to cause mischief before they came up with the idea to form a resistance.

Skoodge waited until all of the drones were outside before sneaking into the cockpit. It was like a puzzle at first and eventually, Skoodge found all the pieces and managed to get the thing in the air and out of the atmosphere.

Now, to get to the Tallest.

The plan was simple, act as though everything was the same. Act as though you're still on your pills.

Contacting the Tallest from the ship was easy.

'We thought you were dead!' Tallest Red looked disappointed.

Yeah, you'd think that you sick fuck.

'Yeah, but I'm ok now.' Skoodge fake smiled.

No thanks to you assholes.

'Wait, how are you contacting us? We don't remember giving you a communicator.' Tallest Purple crossed his arms with a look of suspicion.

'Oh, the construction drone lent me their ship.'

Please buy it please buy it please buy it.

'Uh-huh.' Tallest Purple kept his look of skepticism.

'Anyway, I'd like to report back to duty my Tallest.' Skoodge even soluted to seal the look.

The Tallest looked at each other and then looked back to Skoodge.

'Could you uh give us a minute.' The Tallest then turned away from Skoodge and whispered amongst themselves, then turned back to him.

'Great news uh Invader Skoodge we have decided to uh promote you Skoodge.' Tallest Purple was suppressing a laugh.

'However, in order to do that, you require more training.' Tallest Red continued.

Training?

'That kind of training only comes from one special train facility.' Tallest Purple pushed Red behind him and again tried to suppress his giggles.

"Hobo 13!' The two shouted at the same time and covered each other's mouths to stop giggling.

'Ahem, do you think you can handle it, soldier?' Tallest Red asked.

If that's what it takes to get to you bastards.

'If that's what it takes sirs.'

'Alright, we'll send the coordinates to you now, good luck.' Tallest Purple waved and feed cut off.

#invader zim #invader zim zadr #zadr #zim x dib #zim #dib #Callus is back #Skoodge

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unproduciblesmackdown · 5 years

Note

the unique letters of "william frederick roland"

thank you!! i love that guy

W: Worst month?

february still, but november can eat shit too. xmas is starting to get more annoying and thanksgiving is Worse b/c like, horrible holiday in concept and nothing to celebrate in the least, and it’s alright that people give you food probably but like, the dishes are like, not even the best. nobody likes turkey or yams and yet. and the nightmare of spending time with Family? jesus.....also, it’s just like, you’re facing eons of Winter and it’s already getting cold as shit and when daylight savings begins or ends or whatever and suddenly the sun is down at 4:53pm and it just gets worse from there and it’s just a crap month

I: Interest?

well look if you follow me for like a month you probably catch on to a lot of my Interests but i’ll take this chance to tell a recent only-interesting-to-me story

so back in like middle school yrs (2005-2008) i was real into sherlock holmes stuff!! which is easy to forgot b/c the interest kinda continued into college and then [that text post about the ghost of arthur conan doyle sobbing w/ gratitude to bbc sherlock for achieving his dream of making ppl hate sherlock holmes] and i was like well i’m watching this youtube horror series anyways. but like, in those years, prior to the guy ritchie movie and the Modern SH Media Revival that followed, SH was like, real niche. like obviously everyone knows of it but like. beyond that, kinda obscure at that point to be like, currently and actively ~into~ it. but i was out there watching jeremy brett on pbs Mystery slots, seeing multiple hound of the baskervilles adaptations, and lugging our giant “half of a 2-vol dictionary”-sized copy of the complete canon around, and i read the whole thing

i wasn’t super Online prior to 2008 but somehow i stumbled across such a Wildly Niche thing where this dude in peoria would make “comics” by photographing action figures and giving them speech bubbles and would make really specific references to stories and adaptations and it was really funny to me and that’s how i discovered that there was this particular fan culture self-identified as sherlockians where like, i mean really it’s just that you like sherlock holmes obviously but beyond that, there could be your local sherlockian society which i guess is like a book club roughly but also there’d be things like just making up fun things to do based on the stories, like celebrating reichenbach day by doing whatever you want or referecing the musgrave ritual story in which it’s like “follow these precise directions to Find Thing” and then you do act out those directions....thrilling, right? but i doubt anyone expects this victorian-ass interest to be wildly sexy and heartpounding stuff. and it’s this well-known wide-reaching media so you know there’s room for stuff like books and papers and stuff and just do whatever you want, have this specific nerd community and make up your own funny traditions. and anyways, this guy had a whole blog about it in addition to his Comics, and i’d email him sometimes with questions about stuff, and i think it was from there that i first found out about The 2009 Movie existing, which Was thrilling, b/c it was so out of the blue. gr8 stuff

anyways i’ve remember the existence of this one guy and his blog in year since, but it was only a couple nights ago that i was like “well let’s look it up” and discovered that he’s been updating the blog super regularly the whole time in this literal decade since. i also followed him on twitter and dropped a comment on a post which i know he saw b/c it was anonymous and thus required moderator approval before being posted. like, you love to see it. and even though i loathe bbc sh still and have gone through Other Interests in the meantime, every big interest i’ve ever had is still in there mostly dormant yanno. anyways i thought it was cool. i’m glad for this guy who i last talked to when i was like 13 and now i’m 25.

L: Last name?

still Burrows

(L I.........Amphibian)

A: Ambition?

hmmb thinking of another one......if i’m in a position to bake a homemade batch of chocolate chip cookies, i’m probably thriving. and also i always want a lot of chocolate chip cookies, to eat

M: (favourite) Month?

also may is the anti-november......by that point it’s probably Consistently Warm and life and sunlight has returned

F: (best) Friend?

soph nothingunrealistic my fave rave

R: Realest dream?

i don’t really have an answer whether i interpret it as “literal dream that felt real” or “aspiration type dream that seems most achievable” smh

E: Easiest subject?

i tended to have a decent time w/ any Social Studies type stuff. probably b/c i was Interested

D: Describe yourself.

uh physically it’s like, six ft tall, white, short brown hair, glasses, probably wearing jeans/shorts and a tee, kinda nondescript. personality wise i’m kind of all or nothing.....usually Unusually quiet and trying to avoid interaction / attention, but when i’m Being Myself i like things like being somewhat impulsive and being around a lot of people / a lot of activity, and i’m a real motormouth who likes to talk and laugh and sometimes like being loud even though i’m bad at it lol. short-tempered and argumentative and opinionated, so you Know that’s a recipe for a good time. but uhh i’m Passionate. also i think being autistic makes me seem weird so idk abt that. Theatre / Horror / Tired / oppossum lifestyle gay

C: (favourite) Colour?

that one blue. curious blue or picton blue or w/e. it’s this turquoisey azure cerulean type business

K: (first) Kiss?

never happened lmao....there’s that most recent person you kissed where i count the time i performance-art kissed a friend on the cheek like 7-9 yrs ago. once since then someone kissed me but i wasn’t exactly into it so i don’t count it

O: Oldest family member?

i guess maybe my cool probably gay fancy rich-ish great uncle in new hampshire?? i Think he’s my grandma’s older brother.....

N: Next thing you have to do?

fuck-all!!!! probably should get some type of food or smthing tho

#Anonymous

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prettyfunkyunorganized · 6 years

Text

Sugar Daddy Hanzo part 10

Good evening everyone! Or whatever time of day it is where you are. I’ve got another chapter for you today, but first a few announcement-y things:

1. Just moved and started grad school so I’m busy AF, so if chapters continue to be a bit shorter than they were at the beginning, that’s why.

2. I am starting up a new tag on my blog that will be side info about this story - stuff written from Hanzo’s POV, fun facts, ideas I’m considering, and questions for you! You can always submit questions too via the ask feature on Tumblr or you can use the tag #sugardaddyhanzoextras (sugar daddy hanzo extras). That is the tag I will be using for all this type of content and if you would like to be tagged, feel free to let me know!

3. I love you.

So yeah, that’s it! Here are 2,800ish words of mush essentially.

BTW, this whole business world AU is based on my bud @watch-your-grammer‘s post here. She’s glorious and so is her work.

The rest of the story: pt one, pt two, pt three, pt four, pt five, pt six, pt seven, part eight, part nine

Waking up had never been so difficult. Your eyelids dragged, almost impossibly heavy, but not nearly as stiff as your arms. Every shallow, tentative breath was a struggle, and your chest ached with each inhale. Each exhale. You looked around the brightly lit room and frowned. “Guess we’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto,” you grumbled to yourself, “or maybe I’m the witch – certainly feel like I’ve been hit with a house.”

By some odd circumstance, it looked like you had the room to yourself, the bed to your right was folded up tight with precise corners as starkly white as the walls and ceiling above you. Everything was so . . . sterile, as if you had been transported to your very own dimension, removed from the rest of Earth. It was unsettling.

And sad.

Your chest tightened in a familiar way that had nothing to do with your injury, it was a painful manifestation of your growing disappointment and loneliness.

“You’d think the gals would at least come by to see me,” you whispered as tears welled in your eyes, “and if getting shot isn’t enough to get Mom and Dad to come visit me, what is?”

In a burst of realization, you remembered what had happened and put a hand over your breast, a powerful tenderness warning you to be gentle.

“Holy fuck I got shot,” you gulped looking for the nurse call button and slamming it while trying to tame your breathing.

After a brief pause that seemed to last ages, a nurse swung open your door and scuttled in, but not before you saw what looked like a dark suit a dark expressing in the hallway.

“Well, hello there,” the tall man in scrubs said with a smile. The bright corgi pattern on his shirt relaxed you for some reason, maybe it was because that was the first bit of color you had seen since you awoke.

“Hi,” you said softly.

“You look scared,” he murmured kindly, “don’t be. We got you all patched up, and you’re going to be fine.”

“Oh thank goodness,” you sighed, running your hands over your face. Of course you knew that you were alive, but hearing a nurse say ‘you’re not dying’ still made you feel a thousand times better.

“Do you remember what happened,” he asked. You nodded. “Good. And how are you feeling?”

“Uh,” you hesitated, “pretty shitty? But not dead so, I could be worse?”

He chuckled, “Very true. Feeling sore in your chest, right?”

“Oh yeah,” you groaned.

“We will get you something to help with that and check over your bandages here in a sec, I just want to tell you what we’ve done on our end if you’re feeling up to that.”

“Sure,” you nodded, trying to glance out the window so you could figure out if what you had seen was what you were desperately hoping to see. Then again, it was a hospital, and there were likely hundreds of patients here with worried family.

And Hanzo wasn’t family.

And he hadn’t taken you back.

And the nurse in all his corgi covered glory was in your way.

“Alright,” he said looking at the digital display on his arm, “you were brought in with a bullet wound in the chest, it went right through you, but went through your lung.”

“My lung,” you gaped in horror.

“Yes,” he confirmed, “that is what caused you so much trouble, but medicine has come a long way, and we were able to have your stem cells from your baby teeth flown in and have started growing you some new lung tissue. We had to do one surgery to keep you alive, so your left lung is currently dormant, and your right is doing all the work, which is probably why you’re likely feeling a little like you’ve been running a lot and haven’t quite caught your breath. Once your new tissue is ready, we will get you into the OR again have you feeling right as rain before you know it.”

“Wait,” you said reeling at what he’d just said. You knew your baby teeth could provide stem cells for fancy medical stuff, but patching up your lung? “So . . . you’re going to be able to just cover up the holes in my lung?”

“Yes, ma’am, just like a punctured tire.”

“Ew,” you grimaced at his analogy.

He laughed, “Yeah, sorry. The other nurses say I’ve got a way with words, but I’m not sure if they mean that as a compliment.”

“I mean, it helped me understand,” you shrugged, “but is my lung still going to be able to function normally with a patch? Am I not going to live as long or something because of this?”

“Actually, the procedure has been tested very thoroughly on patients with lung cancer, and there is very little if any loss of functionality. Patients with renewed lungs climb Everest, run marathons, and live long healthy lives – so long as they take care of themselves, that is. If you eat fast food every day or do drugs and die young, you can’t blame that on the new tissue.”

“Of course,” you nodded. “That’s pretty god-damned amazing.”

“It sure is,” he beamed, “the biggest inconvenience is the post-op checkups and drugs to help encourage faster healing, but all that will be finished up in a few months.”

“Good to know,” you sighed, a thin smile forming on your lips.

“Anything else you need right now, or should I start taking a look at you?”

“I – well, actually,” you fumbled, try to lean over and see the window, but you cringed at the pain, “could you just tell me if I have anyone out there waiting to see me? I – I thought I recognized someone.”

“You sure do,” the nurse said with a playful shake of his head, “you’ve had lots of people come in and out to see you, but it’s late at night right now, so the only one here at the moment is the older gentleman in the suit who basically never leaves. Man’s practically a part of the furniture now.”

You grinned so wide your chapped lips hurt, but you couldn’t stop. “Is his name Hanzo? Is he still out there? Will you tell him not to leave yet?”

“Calm down, calm down,” he laughed, backing toward the door, “I’m sure he’s still here, and I’d be happy to tell him you want to speak with him.”

“Thanks,” you said, blushing at your girlish excited outburst.

Without entirely closing the door behind him, the nurse spoke quietly with Hanzo, who had been waiting with an impatient look on his face. The instant you saw him you were relieved. In all honesty, you would have been happy to see anyone you knew out there, but knowing it was him was almost too good to be true.

The nurse came back in and asked you a few more questions while surveying your condition and giving you a bit of pain medication, but ‘not enough to make you all loopy,’ as per your request. Pain meds had always given you the creeps. It was awkward to have a man you’d never met poking your bandaged up boob while the other one laid out in all its glory, but thankfully as soon as you wrapped your hospital gown back up, Hanzo was waved in.

“Hey,” you said as he closed the door behind him. You did your best not to look like a giddy schoolchild, but you were far too happy to be in the same room as him again. Part of your uncontrolled emotion was definitely the drugs, but not all of it. You didn’t care if you shouldn’t be so enraptured to see him, at least not now. You had been shot, you could feel however the fuck you wanted.

“Good evening,” he responded lowly. The distant tone in his voice made you face fall flat, and the physical distance he kept between you made you pull your knees closer to your chest sadly.

“I was, um, well I was kind of surprised to see you here,” you admitted sheepishly.

Hanzo sighed and looked away. “Yes, I probably should not have come, but I felt I had to. That, and I could not find the will or focus to do anything other than sit here and wait for news on your condition.”

“I’m glad you’re here,” you said softly, “extremely so.”

His lips pursed as his gaze landed on something next to your head. “You are the only one who has been happy to see me here.”

You twisted around as far as you could until your chest muscles griped at you to stop. There was a tiny speaker clipped to the bed frame with a note attached to it. “That sweetie,” you chuckled as you read Lucio’s message:

‘Sorry I couldn’t stick around ‘til you woke up! If I missed another tour date, the bosses were going to have some fried frog legs at their next meeting. Call me THE SECOND you wake up and know that I’m thinking of you. Lots of hugs, your best-est client.’

“He’s always so good to me,” you said shaking your head and the sad frog sketch Lucio had done on the other side of the card.

“I am glad you have found someone that has made you happy,” Hanzo said almost inaudibly, his eyes turned to the ground, bangs in his face as if trying to hide the sour look on his features.

Was he . . . jealous? Clearly you were feeling a little better because the devious part of your mind was suddenly much more awake. No, you shouldn’t be happy that Hanzo was feeling all put out at the fact that you had someone new if your life, but shit! How many people got to see the illustrious Hanzo Shimada practically dripping in envy?

Plus, it meant that maybe – just maybe – you had a chance to have him back.

Maybe it took almost dying to realize that you were willing to give Hanzo another chance, or maybe that bullet had torn right through your resolve, but you knew what you wanted now, and you were ready to admit it. More than that, you were ready to fight for it.

If Hanzo really wanted you to find love with someone else, fine, you understood, but you weren’t going to just walk away. Not again.

“Perhaps I should go,” Hanzo said abruptly, “the nurse assured me that you will be fine and now that I have seen you for myself I believe I am feeling much more assured. Goodbye, and I hope you – ”

“Woah, woah, woah,” you shouted, sitting up and groaning at the way your body protested. You were shot in the chest, so why did your back feel like agony, too?

Hanzo turned back you, looking very unsure of himself. “What is it?”

“You know Lucio is just a friend, right,” you asked.

He scoffed and glowered at the door. “That is not what the tabloids say.”

“Since when do you put stock in the tabloids,” you said giving him a skeptical look.

“There are photos,” he said grimly, crossing his arms and keeping his gaze off you.

“Of what? Me and my friend walking into a party together? We may have been ‘arm in arm’ and all that, but people do that all the time. He’s just a public figure, so everything gets blown out of proportion,” you said matter-of-factly.

“The pictures of him covered in your blood and sobbing as they brought you to the hospital are quite . . . telling,” he insisted.

“Hanzo! I had just been shot! And he’s one of my friends! One of my best friends, in fact. If Gabe were to be gunned down in front of you wouldn’t you be looking a little disheveled?”

His head bobbed as an admittance that you had a point.

“Come here,” you demanded, holding a hand out to him. His body went rigid, and he didn’t move. “Please,” you pouted, beckoning him again.

This time he slowly made his way to you, stopping far enough away that you had to lunge forward a bit to grab his hand and yank him closer. His eyes were wide with surprise, or maybe concern, but fingers curled automatically around yours. You brought his knuckles to your lips and place a gentle kiss on them, the tension in Hanzo’s shoulders floating away, letting his perfect posture slip into a more relaxed stance. You were glad you still had that effect on him. Big oaf needed to pull that stick out of his ass every now and again.

“Lucio means a lot to me, but not the way you do,” you told him in the most earnest tone you could muster. “You’re the only person I want to be with, you’re the one that I wanted with me more than anyone else when I thought I was dying, and you’re the person I most wanted to see when I opened up my eyes in this place.”

“You know,” Hanzo said with a small smile, “you make it very hard to stay away from you.”

He leaned against the rail of your bed and set his palm on your cheek gingerly, you leaned into its warmth. “I guess getting shot has its silver lining.”

“I vehemently disagree,” he barked firmly, “it should not have taken a gunshot to bring us back together. A conversation would have done just as well.”

“Hey, for the record, I tried that,” you retaliated. “That night in your brother’s big fancy bathroom I wanted to talk about it but you – ”

Hanzo silenced you by placing his thumb over your lips, and you giggled, kissing the pad of his finger in delight. Having him this close again was everything you had hoped it would be. “I am sorry for that night,” he said tenderly, “I was only trying to – ”

“Trying to do the right thing,” you finished for him, nodding understandingly. “I know, and I was, too. But I don’t care about what’s ‘right’ anymore. I don’t want to give up on what we could have together, and I know you’re on the way to changing. I’m tired of chasing the ideal of what should happen. I just want to be happy, and you make me happy.”

“My beauty,” he cooed, placing a long kiss on each of your temples, “you make me happy, too.”

“Does that mean you’ll be with me again,” you asked, wriggling closer to him.

“How could I say no,” he chuckled, dancing his fingers along your exposed arm until you shivered, making him grin.

The two of you basked in each other’s presence, but no matter how hard you tried to keep from overthinking things, you had to ask him something.

“Hanzo?”

“Yes?”

“Will I be your sugar baby again or . . . ?”

“I – well – ” he stammered, clearing his throat to buy him time to find an answer.

“The full-fledged relationship idea still freaks you out, doesn’t it,” you asked worriedly.

“Yes,” he huffed frustratedly, “though I do not know why. I know I want to be with you, and I know that I want more than that sort of arrangement with you, but there is something about that word, that step that just . . . fills me with a dread I do not understand.” Hanzo looked down to you, an ashamed expression on. “I am sorry.”

“Don’t be,” you said stroking his jawbone, “I don’t mind being your sugar baby again, but I’d like to set down a new set of rules and whatnot.”

“Of course,” he said, sounding relieved, “I believe that would be necessary.”

“But you are still going to your therapist, right?”

“Yes,” he said with a strong nod, “and this is something we have discussed lightly, but, as you know, there is much about me that needs to be . . . dealt with.”

“We’re all a work in progress,” you assured Hanzo, pulling him down so you could kiss him on the nose. The token of affection made his face go a little red, and you burst out laughing. “Good god I missed you and the way you blush, handsome.”

“I am quite convinced that you are the only one who can make me blush,” he grumbled, smirking just a tinge.

“Oh I bet Genji could tell me some fun stories that would make you all flustered,” you teased.

“Just who’s side are you on,” he said with a scowl.

“Mine,” you said brightly, “a girl’s got to put herself first, you know, and that’s what I do.”

“And I adore you for it,” Hanzo hummed, meshing his fingers into yours.

“Don’t worry,” you said, giving him a gentle squeeze, “I’ll always be in your corner, though.”

“A fact that makes me infinitely stronger.”

“I’m glad you realize that,” you said, beaming at his progress, “a couple of months ago I pegged you for the ‘I don’t need anyone’ type.”

“I have since learned a few things, met a few people who have shown me otherwise,” Hanzo said, holding your clasped hands to his heart.

@collinssie @watch-your-grammer @zarcake-writes @yesthisisbae @eebbapanda1@deercapitate @missbumblina @skyrina @justjaaaay@thewetbones@skyelentnight @ilovebva @punk-dork @cbrokeherboobs@sobanoodledragon@sydniesamm @honeyburger @knightofsexyness @queenoflabyrinths@speakingishard @iknowimcutethanks @ninevast @ivymarquis @sydniesamm@barbie-the-centrist @tumblertrash @angle0fthegourd@shaybae1997 @lillypet95 @rusty-potato @tt-nikithakppr

** please let me know if you would like to be tagged or removed from the tags in future updates and sorry if I missed anyone, I feel like tumblr is deleting my shit**

#Overwatch #hanzo #hanzo x reader #sugar daddy hanzo #reader insert #mine #my drabble #overwatch drabble

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askthesugarrushracers · 5 years

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RALPH BREAKS THE INTERNET OMG

((Alright so ngl this post is just me not the racers but I wanted to explain a few things.

(Whether yall want to hear it or not)

So I know I keep disappearing and reappearing like a year later, and in all honesty that’s probably not going to stop, because I sort of realised I got in to sugar rush fanfics because they were this little tight knit group of friends when I was feeling a bit lonely, though I didn’t realise that at the time, so naturally when my social life picked up a bit and stuff I didn’t tend to do as much fandom stuff. Not like I didn’t find it interesting anymore, I just kinda didn’t.

But the other day I went to see Ralph Breaks the Internet (for old time’s sake, you know) and I LOVED IT. Idk what you guys thought of it generally but I personally thought it was really good, and I loved that the racers got a tiny bit more than a five second cameo? Won’t spoil for anyone who hasn’t seen it (though it has been out like 2 months now) but yes. I just really really enjoyed it, and the princesses’ bit nearly made me wet myself laughing (side note I’m really happy they’re canon in the wir world now). So I decided to revisit my blog and answer some of the asks I still had lying around. Basically, what I’m trying to say is, though I’m barely ever active, I’m always dormant. Like a real volcano. And that Wreck it Ralph 2 was amazing (although I’m happy to hear why you didn’t like it if you didn’t).

Anyway enough on me, back to the racers!))

#wreck it ralph #wreck it ralph 2 #ralph breaks the internet #sugar rush #sugarrushracers #askthesugarrushracers #ask the sugar rush racers #wir #wreck it ralph sequel

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howtobeapersonwithfibro · 6 years

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fibro blog #1 - introduction

It took me a long time to come around to writing about myself. I’m not entirely sure why - I’ve been writing stories for as long as I remember, and the urge to put my ideas into words has never quite left me, though it’s sometimes been dormant for long periods. A very part-time aspiring sci-fi novelist, writing is pretty high up on my (short) list of hobbies.

For me, it’s a lot harder to write about myself than it is to concoct a fantastical tale about magicians or demigods. I’m not sure if it’s the vulnerability to others that has restrained me in the past, but more likely, it was fear of my own self-criticism. My words often feel stupid and insignificant almost as soon as I see them on the page. But my story is not stupid, nor insignificant, and it deserves to be told.

What ultimately led me to start this blog is actually my love of reading. I’ve been consuming copious amounts of books lately, always looking, as we all do, for pieces of myself in the characters. I usually find myself disappointed. When chronic, life-changing illness is represented in books or other media at all, it is usually the dramatic cases: cancer, sudden blindness, etc. And I’m glad that those issues are getting some airtime. But what about those silent, invisible diseases that come on slow, stick around, and can alter a life as much as some of the more shelf-popular diseases?

A little context: I’m a nineteen-year-old college student living in suburban America. I’ve always had big goals: I graduated high school a year early. I’m going for a biology degree, to be followed by either an MD or PhD. I excel in my classes; in fact, I’ve maintained a 4.0 GPA for the last two years by some miracle still slightly unknown to me. I tutor chemistry and biology.

Sounds like I’m doing alright for myself, right? Those are the things that most people can see, the things on the surface.

What’s less visible is my fibromyalgia. For as long as I can remember, I had strange, unexplained aches and pains, but for most of my life it was nothing to be alarmed about. It really didn’t even disrupt my life. But when freshman year of college rolled around, my pain and fatigue grew more severe and more frequent. I made it through my classes just fine, but I noticed myself feeling worse and worse.

The summer after freshman year, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It wasn’t all that much of a surprise - I have two cousins with the same illness who also developed it in their teens, and my aunt had been telling my mother for years that I had it too. But what did come as a surprise was how bad I could feel. The following school year, I had to start meeting with the disabilities center to get some accommodations for my classes - slight changes that I very rarely used.

That summer, following sophomore year, the pain was as bad as ever, and that was when it started to change my life more than a little bit. I had to abandon my dreams of being an EMT throughout college when I was just a month away from clearing a nine-month-long training process to be a medic. I had to cut back my work hours. When this fall semester rolled around, I found myself needing to drop two classes and ask for more accommodations than ever. Most days, it seems like it’s only getting worse.

It’s a lot to come to terms with. My life has been altered so much by this illness - and I’m still learning to use the word altered instead of, perhaps, ruined or derailed. I guess I was hoping that writing about it would give me some sort of peace, and maybe spread some awareness and make people like me feel less alone, because I know I feel alone.

There are so many things I am ready to write about - how fibro has affected my academics; my relationships with family, friends, and romantic interests; my mental health; my jobs and hobbies. How I’m dealing with it.

We don’t want to be defined by our illnesses, but sometimes we are. I’m not just a person anymore. I’m a person with a chronic illness, and that’s a completely different ball game. Some days are really bad. But I’ll get through it. We all do somehow.

#blog #fibromyalgia #chronic illness #chronic illness blog

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inevitably-johnlocked · 6 years

Note

Hey Steph!! I'm so sorry if this has already been asked before, but do you have any recs for fics where John has adorable lovey dovey pet names for Sherlock??

Anonymous said to inevitably-johnlocked: Hello! I just want to ask if you know some fics where John calls Sherlock “love”? It’s just I’m craving for it right now and I need more. Thank you! You’re amazing.

Hi Nonnies!!

OKAY, I got the second Nonny’s ask MONTHS ago, and I started a list, but I’m just going to keep going if I don’t just post it, so here we are, gonna just post up what I have so far!! Lots more to come, hah! I have to go back over the ones I’ve already sorted LOL.

JOHN CALLS SHERLOCK “LOVE”

Let the Sun Fade Out by nothingislittle (E, 2,711 w. || Fluff & Smut, Praise Kink, PWP, Obsessed Sherlock, Bottomlock, Heart-Tearing Love) – “He could warm the sun itself, Sherlock thinks, could heat their flat with just his presence, could brighten the room with one dazzling smile or just the sparkling in his eyes. John is everything, he’s beautiful and he shines, he’s everything.”

What He’s Like by magikspell (E, 2,919 w. || Love Confessions, Fluff, First Time, Inexperienced Sherlock) – Realistic first time. They love each other so much.

Right Foot Red by Irrevocably_Sherlocked (E, 3,089 w. || First Time, Board Games, Frottage, Masturbation, Frottage, PWP) – …ok, it’s juvenile, but at least it’s a game where touching is allowed. And if something more were to happen, well, John can’t say he’d be too upset about that. “What are the rules of this game?” Sherlock asks, the disdain evident on the word ‘game’. “I spin, you do as I say.” John thinks he sees a slight widening of those pale grey eyes at that, just for a fraction of a second, before it is shut down. Oh, this is interesting, he thinks.

In Nomine by Atiki (E, 3,517 w. || Est. Rel., PWP, Anal, Domesticity, Love Confessions, Sherlock Loves John, Overwhelmed Sherlock) – “Alright?” John asks gently, planting a kiss on Sherlock’s left collar bone, smoothing a hand down his chest and belly until it rests in the soft trail of hair below his belly button. John’s smile is all soft and warm. His hand feels tender and solid and real. A soldier’s hand. A surgeon’s hand. A lover’s hand. Oh. “John”, Sherlock gasps. And that’s where it begins. Written for a prompt on the Kink Meme: The only word Sherlock says during sex is “John”.

Morning Sunlight by slashscribe (E, 3,565 w || PWP, Morning Sex, Fluff, PWP, Established Rel., Soft Idiots) – A thin band of soft morning light peeks between the curtains and stretches across John’s torso, laying dormant across his forearm, dipping into the space between his arm and his chest, illuminating his right nipple but just brushing the edge of his left, disappearing into his armpit, and reappearing again right over Sherlock’s eyes where his head rests, nestled against John’s shoulder. Sherlock is not annoyed by the light’s intrusion on his sleep, not when it rests so soft and tantalizing on John’s skin, a work of unintentionally erotic art. A PWP with so much emotion.

Rumpled by WhimsicalEthnographies (E, 3,601 w. || Est. Rel., Insecure Sherlock, Fluff, PWP, Proposal, Bottomlock) – Then, halfway through a documentary on river otters that neither of them was paying attention to–how could John, with a gangly, limp consulting detective practically purring in his lap?–Sherlock suddenly bolted upright, looked at John with a perplexed expression and a crinkle above his nose, and blurted, “Marry me.” Part 4 of Longitudinal Cohort

Come home. by hudders-and-hiddles (huddersandhiddles) (E, 3,763 w. || Texting / Sexting, Lonely Sherlock, Nude Photos, Pining, Fluff & Smut) – When John leaves for a medical conference, Sherlock tries to entice him back home.

Happy anniversary by Salambo06 (E, 3,772 w. || Est. Rel., Vulnerable Sherlock, Wedding Anniversary, Anal, Texting, Lingerie) – John inhaled deeply, feeling his cock pulse under the silk gown, and he let his eyes travel on the lean body in front of him. Sherlock was kneeling on the bed, their bed, and the picture had been taken so John could perfectly see his bare chest and pelvis. But what mattered most, what made John harden rather quickly, was the pair of panties Sherlock was wearing in the picture. Black, string over each hip and laces that outlined Sherlock’s erect cock barely hidden under the soft underwear.

Love and Hair Dye by WhimsicalEthnographies (E, 3,920 w. || Est. Rel., Body Worship, Self Conscious John, Voyeurism, Idiots in Love, Smutty Smut) – Self conscious John decides to cover the greys on his head, and the colour isn’t what he thought it would be. Now he’s more self-conscious than ever.

Forty-four by jamlockk (E, 4,415 w. || John’s Birthday, Fluff, PWP) – John turns forty-four, gets some advice and the best birthday present he could’ve ever hoped for.

all things warm and tender by darcylindbergh (E, 5,177 w. || PWP, Romantic Fluff, Rimming/Anal/BJ’s, Body Worship) – Grinning and giggling, John slides back down under the sheet and pulls it over his head. He finds Sherlock waiting for him, eyes bright and hair wild, the firelight bleeding through the thin fabric, colouring everything in soft peach and topaz, and in that moment he is so suddenly, unexpectedly, ethereally beautiful that John forgets how to breathe.

Better Than Fiction by Irrevocably_Sherlocked (E, 6,813 w. || Pining Sherlock, Sherlock’s Imagination, Masturbation, BJ’s, First Time / Kiss) – …he opens his eyes, but instead of seeing John he is staring at his bedroom ceiling, the pale plaster a startling contrast from the scene in his head. It had felt so real. He can only imagine what the feel of John’s lips would be like, his taste. But luckily for him, he thinks with a smirk, he’s always had a brilliant imagination.

EMERGENCY CONTACT: John Watson, RELATIONSHIP: Saint by blueink3 (M, 6,229 w. || Hurt Sherlock, 5+1, H/C) – The first time Sherlock Holmes realizes he needs an emergency contact is the first time he mentally appoints John Watson with the job. John, of course, does not know this and neither does the local hospital. Part 2 of The Emergency Contact Series

All the Flavours, Cherry and More by cwb (E, 6,274 w. || Est. Rel., Lip Gloss, Lingerie, Birthday Presents, Insecure Sherlock) – Sherlock feels a blush rising to touch his cheeks, more sensual than uncomfortable now that he knows John isn’t disgusted by him. No, John is responding exactly the way he had hoped.

Beg for Mercy (Twice) by Solitary_Endeavor (E, 7,060 w. || Est. Rel., Bottomlock, Bearded John, Edging, Rough Sex, Idiots in Love, Canon Compliant) – Sherlock hasn’t left the flat in four days, the itch of impatience beneath his skin too great to allow him to suffer interaction with any human being who isn’t John. This is probably a mercy that goes both ways, as he’s driving even himself mad. Sherlock supposes there is a lesson to be learned here about having himself to blame, but of course he blames Mycroft.

The T-Shirt Thief by allroadsleadbacktobakerstreet (T, 7,968 w. || Mutual Pining, Post Canon Fix It, Dev. Rel., First Kiss, Domestics) – Sherlock steals John’s t-shirt from the laundry. John catches him wearing it one evening, fluff ensues with an endeared yet teasing John?

Extraordinary by queenoftrivia (G, 2,860 w. || Fluff, Marriage Proposal, Morse Code, Est. Rel, Violins) – Sherlock’s deduced that John’s going to Italy to buy him a violin. Even the greatest detective alive makes a few mistakes.

Affirmation by jamlockk (E, 3,096 w. || First Time, Dev. Rel., PWP, Love Declarations, Emotional Sherlock, Comforting John, Gross Fluff) – “Sunlight dappled John’s skin, casting a glow across his spreadeagled form as he dozed among the rumpled sheets. Sherlock knew the expression on his face was hopelessly soft but for once did not care about showing his true feelings so openly. He simply stood there, in the doorway, gazing at the impossibly beautiful man currently snuffling softly in his slumber.” Part 8 of All the ways we love

Practical Johnkeeping by what_alchemy (M, 4,330 w. || Beekeeping, Aging, Gladstone, Tooth Rotting Fluff) – Sherlock predicts nectar flow the same way he deduces a murder, but he harvests the honey like John coddles the dog.

Abatement by WhimsicalEthnographies (E, 6,816 w. || Est. Rel., Retirementlock, Fluff, Sherlock’s Self Esteem, Grumpy Sherlock) – “What’s wrong with you? You love the cottage,” John glances over to the passenger seat, then quickly turns his eyes back to the road. Driving was still not his forte, but considering Sherlock still couldn’t properly bend and lift his new knee enough to press and release the clutch, he had to make do. Not that Sherlock hadn’t tried to argue his way into the driver’s seat. “I love the cottage for a week or two, John. Don’t be deliberately obstuse,” Sherlock grumbles, sinking further in his seat. Well, as best he can with a four-week-old knee replacement. “And that’s all we’re going for, love,” John says out loud. But what he’s thinking is, shit. He knows.

With This Ring by Quesarasara (E, 9,121 w. || Est. Rel., Marriage Proposal, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Idiots in Love, Embarrassing Hospital Visits) – Sometimes even the best of plans go wrong. And sometimes wrong turns out to be exactly right.

Of Course I Forgive You by allonsys_girl (E, 10,735 w. || Love Confessions, Canon Divergence, First Time, Frottage, Wall Sex, Infidelity) – What if things had gone differently on that train car?

The Red Dianthus by kinklock (T, 11,382 w. || Halloween, Supernatural Elements, BAMF!John, Dev. Rel.) – The boys investigate a mysterious disappearance in a supposedly haunted house, and get much more than they bargained for.

The Slow Burn by CaitlinFairchild (E, 12,097 w. | Romance, Emotional Infidelity, Friends to Lovers}} – John smiles, something small and private and for him alone, and Sherlock just…he knows. With a heart-stopping certainty, Sherlock suddenly knows.It feels like falling off the edge of a cliff. It feels like falling off the edge of the world. It feels like flying.

All the Girls Love a Soldier by Book7BrokeMyBrain (E, 12,951 w. || Military Kink, Frottage, Domesticity, Post S3, Pining Sherlock, Kilt John, Wedding, Dancing) – John is invited to a stag party and a wedding. The related accoutrement suit Sherlock to a T.

Back to the Start by slashscribe (M, 14,088 w. || Sherlock’s Violin, Pining Idiots, Fluff, Domestics) – Sherlock hasn’t played the violin since John’s wedding (which is long since over), and when John returns to 221B, Sherlock relearns the violin as he and John relearn each other. Post S3 fic with an obscene amount of pining, idiocy, and attempts to pawn off tea duties.

Your Eyes in Darkness Glowing by tamed_untranslatable (E, 14,686 w. || Est. Rel., Case Fic, Hotel Sex, Bottomlock, Anal, BJ’s, Porn With Feelings, Homophobia) – Sherlock gets roped into a case in Moscow on his brother’s insistence, but finds that he can’t do it without John.

In A Changing Age by allonsys_girl (E, 15,590 w. || Victorian AU, Virgin / Demi Sherlock, First Kiss / Time, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, Mild H/C) – Sherlock wakes up in the 19th century, with no idea how he got there.

I Will Take Care Of You by SailorChibi (T, 16,664 w. || Hurt/Comfort, Sick Sherlock, BAMF John, BAMF Lestrade, Reunion Fic) – Two years after Sherlock’s death, John comes to find him on the sofa. Wounded and ill, Sherlock is convinced he’s hallucinating and refuses to share any details about Moran or the fact that Mycroft has been compromised. That doesn’t stop John from stepping up and taking care of the last of Moriarty’s web, BAMF-style.

A Hundred Thousand Ways to Say the Name John by Jberry (E, 16,825 w. || Fake Relationship, Fake Marriage, POV John, Pining John, Cruise Ship, Angst & Fluff, Case Fit) – John Watson and Sherlock Holmes must solve a case on a cruise ship. To get close to the crew and passengers, they must get married for the case on the Baetica. However, their relationship hits rocky seas both due to the case and internal conflicts. Part 1 of Baetica

For you, there’s only me by shock_blanket (E, 19,557 w. || Jealous Idiots, Virgin Sherlock, UST/RST, Pining, Miscommunication, First Kiss / Time, Insecure Sherlock, Masturbation) – Sherlock realizes he has fallen in love with John, but believes he is unlovable. Cue lots of pining and jealousy on Sherlock’s part, followed by our favorite cuddly marksman making it all better. Because for Sherlock, there’s only John.

A Life Well-Lived by Kate_Lear (E, 20,121 w. || Original Male Character, Sherlock Woos John, Jealous Sherlock, Reluctant Bi-John, Past Abuse, Insecure John, Reassuring / Caring Sherlock, Protective Sherlock, Understanding Sherlock) – Written for this prompt on the kinkmeme: ‘John got scared off men by an abusive past relationship. Sherlock has to try and woo him while not scaring him off with protective possessive rage.’

“finally kiss the bloody idiot” by Salambo06 (E, 29,812 w. || Mutual Pining, Fake Relationship, First Kiss / Time, Angst, Misunderstandings, Fantasies POV John) – Inspired by a fic idea on tumblr : “John and Sherlock know the Yard has a pool going for when they’re finally going to get together. It’s been running forever, and it’s worth thousands of pounds. It’s all fun and games, hahaha, until they find out Lestrade is in dire financial straits (dog needs emergency surgery, he’s putting his kid through gymnastics training, I don’t know, something), and they decide to fake a relationship to win the pool for him. Sherlock figures out the day and way that Lestrade thinks it’s going to happen, and they act it out. It’s all for a good cause, fake relationship style, until it’s not.” Part 1 of The Pool

Where Else Would I Be? by cwb (E, 34,910 w. || Retirementlock, Domestic Fluff, Falling in Love, Parentlock, Fluff and Smut, Reminiscing) – John and Sherlock’s five-year-old granddaughter spends the weekend with them in Sussex. Sherlock happily indulges her whims, and John takes care of them while quietly revisiting the past thirty years of their lives together.

Albion and the Woodsman by Glenmore (NR, 54,437 w. || Post S3 || Parentlock, Pining Sherlock, Angst, Family, Drug Use, Depression, Sherlock POV) – Sherlock and John are devastated after Mary Morstan makes her final moves. Sherlock relapses at the crack house, John walks around the world … and a lot happens in between. Parentlock, in the good way.

Bleed Me Out by antietamfalls (E, 87,987 w. || Vampire AU || Bonding, Vampire Sherlock, Fluff & Angst, H/C, John Whump, Magical Realism) – John isn’t exactly surprised to discover that Sherlock isn’t human. His vampirism doesn’t pose a problem, even when their relationship gradually grows into something more. That is, until a deadly revelation about John’s blood sends their lives spinning dangerously out of control.

OTHER PET NAMES

Unwanted by 221b_hound (T, 2,436 w. || Est. Rel., Wedding Rings, Asshole Exes) – In the jewellers to collect their wedding rings ahead of the Big Day, an old friend of John’s spots him. Well. I say ‘friend’.Sherlock isn’t jealous. He’s possibly a little bit grateful. That doesn’t mean Lydia Templeton isn’t an idiot. Part 19 of Unkissed

Unwrapped by 221b_hound (E, 3,022 w. || Christmas, Fluff, Oral Sex, Feet and Toes, Tow Fetish, Pet Names, Licking) – It’s Christmas morning. John doesn’t really want the Christmas Sex that Sherlock proposes and explains the reasons why. Sherlock discovers a new element of how his desire functions, and later John gets to indulge his foot fetish. Part 8 of Unkissed

And as the seasons change, I love you more by Teatrolley (NR, 3,219 w. || Fluff and Angst, Est. Rel., Marriage / Proposal) – A year in the lives of John and Sherlock, essentially.

Unmissed by 221b_hound (M, 3,235 w. || Est. Rel., Pet Names, Insecure Sherlock, Worried Sherlock) – John enjoys a good brawl during a case, and Sherlock begins to worry - when they retire, will John get bored? Will John get bored and leave. But even if John isn’t a genius about cases, he knows a thing or two about Sherlock’s panic attacks about them as a couple. With only four days till the wedding, he’s not about to let Sherlock continue with this misplaced notion that John will be bored in retirement. Part 20 of Unkissed

Posh Boy by panickedbee (M, 3,622 w. || Kinks, RST, Pining, Sexual Frustation) – In his head he greets him with hey, handsome in the morning, calls him genius when he is being too clever again, calls him pretty man and silly git and sweetheart and, of course, posh boy. Part 5 of Sherlock Holmes Is A Very Lucky Man

Of Course I Forgive You by allonsys_girl (E, 10,735 w. || Love Confessions, Canon Divergence, First Time, Frottage, Wall Sex, Infidelity) – What if things had gone differently on that train car?

#steph replies #johnlock fic recs #my fic recs #pet names #john loves sherlock #Anonymous #john says love

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grumpy-lynx-blog · 6 years

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I’m back

Remember me?

First of all, I want to say sorry. I promised I will check in here every once in a while, but I burned out so hard on writing this blog, I couldn’t bring myself to even open Tumblr through all this time. How long was it... 8 months, fucking hell, that’s long.

And I came just in time for the blog I used to read back then to go dormant for 4 months starting a week ago, great timing, me.

I can’t tell if I’m excited or desperate to tell what has been up with me. Let me just give you the usual warning, that beyond [read more] button there lie swears.

I figured out why

I figured out why I started this blog 8 months ago. And it’s not just because I desperately needed somewhere to vent - that was just the symptom.

I used to be constantly bored, didn’t challenge myself in any way, felt like I was fully wasting every single day of my life, didn’t make any new friends, didn’t experience anything new for a long period of time, it was a dull life, and it made me angry as fuck.

And since I’m back here, like a phoenix rising back from the ashes, you know what that means - Instead of ash, there’s a pile of trash, and that’s no fire bird, but a grumpy nerd.

Past 8 months

Oh boy, a lot happened. And mostly positive stuff - started studying at uni, met new people there, passed the first semester with little struggle, broke up with my boyfriend, followed the slavic ways and became a vodka shaman, visited my bestest friend for new year’s eve and some more stuff I will probably remember later and will have to write an another post about them.

Uni turned out to be both super easy and challenging, so that occupied me quite a bit. You won’t believe how fun finding clever ways to do as little as possible, while still passing all the classes is, until you try it.

Also we formed a somehow small but tight circle of friends that help each other with studying and emptying bottles of alcohol, because hey, not only is this uni, but I’m also in Poland. And that’s as close to vodka-drinking Russia as one can get without being Ukraine.

Since I mentioned being a Pole, the vodka shaman thing is self explanatory;

Visiting best friend will go to another post, since you need more context;

What else I mentioned... Oh yeah, the break up. I said those are positive things, so because of a positive break-up, you might expect me to shit on my ex for a few sentences, but no, he’s chill, we are still friends and all. Hell, we even played games today with common friends, while listening to Carpenter Brut, and talking about how good their music is, don’t tell me that ain’t friendship, because I will have none of that bullshit.

What prompted the break-up is just the fact, long distance relationships aren’t for either of us, the thing we had going at first, quickly faded when we couldn’t progress our relationship any further because of about 1000 km between us. (that’s 39 370 078 inches in imperial system) So we just ended almost 2-year long relationship, and it’s time to start a new chapter in life. Maybe. Definitely no more long distance relationships ever. <Ari: He says that, but he will end up in another one for sure.>

Ari and Kesh

Oh look who showed up. Thankfully, not much changed on the topic of my daemon and shadow, they’re here, we can speak just as easily as we did 8 months ago. We didn’t practice fronting much, but to be honest that’s because we have no need for that. I dedicated a bit more time to work on our wonderland, but that’s just because we might as well, when we are about to sleep.

And yeah, not changing much here, they will still be a huge part of this blog. <Ari: Hello! It’s been a while! :3> <Kesh: Hi.>

Magick

Uhhhh...

Alright, I will admit, during those 8 months I didn’t do much on the topic of chaos magick. 2 sigils tops, and I can’t even explain why I didn’t. Maybe finding some witch blogs will inspire me again to do something on that front. Can’t promise shit, tho, don’t want to disappoint.

Shit’s been happening, so why the long face?

I said I got angry and grumpy before, mostly because I wasn’t doing anything meaningful. A lot of things happened during those 8 months, I was occupied with uni, made new friends - It kept me busy and all was fine.

And to think a 2 weeks long break between semesters would completely fucking destroy me mentally... I did not expect it to be honest, but here I am, feeling like shit and puking words out onto this website in hopes it will make me feel better.

Seriously, it’s 14 days during which we (students), are supposed to relax and take a break from sweating over math books, but instead it got me extremely angry because what? Nothing has happened during that time? Holy fuck Lynx, calm your grumpy tits.

What next?

I’m probably going to stay here and write shit until I get better and decide to write another post about losing motivation and halting the blog.

But before that happens, let’s have some fun together.

...I just realized I have to proof-read this entire post, fuck me sideways.

Thank you for reading,

// Grumpy Lynx, Ari and Kesh.

#daemon #magick #return #blog #chaos magick #grumpy-lynx

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onisionhurtspeople · 7 years

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The Spiral of Abuse by a Covert, Socialized Narcissist

You can literally outline this entire chart, step by step, in all of Onision’s relationships, even the ones that only lasted for a couple of weeks:

1. “Love Bombing”: Display of excessive attention and professions of deep love. “Soul mate.”

December 2015: Greg and Lainey fly Billie, Lainey’s girlfriend (who was supposed to be there helping Lainey “explore her bisexuality”) down to meet them for the first time. Greg’s videos are full of glowing compliments for Billie, and while there, they have an affair. Lainey is deeply hurt by this turn of events and does not approve, but Greg tells her to get over it, because it’s going to go how he wants it to, and she has no say in it. Eventually, they settle tentatively into a “polyamorous” relationship (see: Greg cheating on his wife with Billie), but the relationship is littered with numerous problems. Every time Billie breaks up with them, he begins love bombing Lainey again. This screenshot was taken only two days after he had cheated on Lainey with Billie the first time:

...and every time they get back together, he begins love bombing Billie again, and ignoring Lainey. He is careful not to do this overtly on Twitter or Instagram like he does with Lainey, but during this time, he expends much more effort into communicating with Billie over Twitter and in videos than he does with Lainey.

2. Over-protection and isolation in the name of love. “We only need each other.”

Throughout the relationship, repeated attempts are made on Greg’s behalf to manipulate Billie into seeing her family as infrequently as possible, which she resists:

He has already done this with Lainey, who is no longer in contact with the members of her family that Greg doesn’t like, and who sees her mother only once or twice a year. Greg also frequently insults and criticizes Lainey’s family on social media...

Sister:

...especially her father, who saw through Greg from the beginning and desperately tried to keep his then 17-year-old daughter from marrying him. He made a video outlining (and exaggerating) his “struggles” with Lainey’s father:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sAjnkASwOo

He also did this with Skye while they were still married, restricting her from seeing anybody but members of his own family, and members of her family that he approved of (which was basically just her younger sister). A quote from his website at the time:

January 24th, 2007

Alright, so it has been a few days since Skye and I hung out with another couple… judging from the fact that these people were the only ones we knew that had a lifestyle that wasn’t drugged out, beered out (also known as drugged out), smoked out, ethically lacking, rude etc. and we can’t even enjoy ourselves around them as much as we do each other… I just really don’t see myself and Skye spending time with anyone in the future other than family…

It seems that everyone who isn’t blood related has something extremely wrong with them… it may not be apparent at first, like a used car, but when you get on the road with them, and get to know them, the clanks and pings begin to show, maybe not after the first few miles, but definitely after the second or third ride.

(Source)

This got so bad that eventually, two of their friends actually tried to convince Skye to leave him:

You hate others for the love of drama.

January 27th, 2007

I was going to post something extremely long about how upset I am with two people I know, within my personal life - who are continuously trying to break my wife and I apart psychically and vocally… but I’m not going to as I believe it can only cause a greater level of drama, which is exactly what they feed on.

In fact, they probably know I’m talking about them right now, and are dialing my number just to tell me/others how wrong I am for my wife, and somehow by saying I love her every hour of the day, feeding her full of yummy food, trying to make her happy emotionally/other ways, putting a roof over her head, that in result of that I’m a bad husband.

(Source)

3. Power gained by social isolation and artificially inflated self-esteem. “I feel like a better person with I am with them.”

Greg has claimed this about every single one of his exes. I was actually shocked when I first found this picture, because I wasn’t expecting it to match his tactics so definitively. It would take me ages to track down all the screenshots and videos of him claiming that Skye, Shiloh, Adrienne, and Lainey were all his “soulmates” and “made him a better person”, so you’ll have to use your memory for this one, guys, sorry.

4. Creation of a feeling of dependency induction of fear of the loss of relationship.

A screenshot of a portion of the letter written by Adrienne, one of Greg’s ex-girlfriends, describing how Greg attempted to manipulate her feelings by making her fear the loss of the relationship:

Later on in the same letter:

The entire Adrienne letter can be read here. If you’re interested in how Onision’s mind works, I highly recommend reading this: it’s incredibly insightful and introspective.

5. Restrictive control of resources and activities enforced by induction of guilt, or fear of anger.

It’s no secret that Greg attempts to restrict the activities that his girlfriends are allowed to participate in. This ranges from activities such as the aforementioned control over how often they’re allowed to see their family, to whether or not they’re allowed to have a job (a tactic reported by several of his exes and by Greg himself), to how often they’re allowed to go out with their friends, and even to what they are and are not allowed to eat.

In the following screenshot, a blog post by Shiloh months after they’d broken up, she details how he not only manipulated her into cutting off contact with her friends and family back home, but also convinced her to put her music career on hold so that they could be together all the time:

(You can read the full post here.)

He also talked Skye into quitting her job once he began making enough money off YouTube, with the reasoning that couples should be spending at least 50% of their time together. (I’m having trouble finding the screenshot for this, but it’s out there somewhere - I’ve seen it before.)

He would also become extremely angry with Adrienne when she wanted to go out with her friends...

...and tried to manipulate her into quitting her job, moving in with him, and work for him, all within three weeks of their meeting:

6. Gaslighting causes victim to doubt what they see or hear. Inability to trust own thoughts and reasoning.

When Lainey first broke up with Greg and was considering divorce after he cheated on her with Billie, she admitted that she had never even wanted a girlfriend to begin with, and that it had been Greg who was pressuring her into it...

...but later, when Lainey recounted her side of the story in a response video to the one that Billie released, she adamantly maintained that it was she who had wanted to experiment with her bisexuality - evidence that Greg had been gaslighting her into believing that he was not at fault, yet again, and that it was Lainey who had desired to keep bringing back Billie over and over again. The tweet posted in first part of this screenshot was taken only six months after the tweet in the second part:

When Greg and Lainey had broken up with Billie yet again, Lainey had begun talking to a new girl named Hailey (known online as Luxymoo). At first, Hailey believed that her relationship with Lainey would be exclusive; but after Greg informed her that the relationship would actually be an open polyamorous one, she realized that she was uncomfortable with the arrangement and decided to pull out. Despite the fact that she had every right to choose not to go through with it, Greg then attempted to gaslight her and invalidate her feelings:

After that I started doing research on what it meant to be in a three way relationship, I came to the conclusion that it wasn't for me. Which killed me, because all I wanted to do was be with Lainey. I wanted to try for them, but at the end of the day, I had to consider my personal feelings on the matter. I knew I couldn't be what they wanted, because I wanted Lainey.

I told Lainey as soon as I came to that conclusion. I wanted to be honest. I didn't want to drag it out. Lainey didn't respond to me.. but Greg did. He said that if he were in my position, he would do whatever it takes to be with Lainey. He said that I didn't really care about Lainey, that all I was looking for was friendship. He said that he thought my mind was broken. He said he thought I may be sexually dormant. He then would say that he thinks i'm a good person and that i'm the safer alternative. He called me a good distraction.

He wanted me to still come up. But that was a fleeting thought. He said friendship would be hard, and that I was doing everything I could to avoid a relationship with Lainey. Then he pitched the idea of me being with Lainey exclusively, while he's with Lainey exclusively. Like we wouldn't be doing sexual things together. I still declined because 1. he had spent so much time invalidating MY feelings on the matter, attacking my personality, pressuring me, etc. and 2. I also knew that that wasn't what they wanted, and I told him that we would still hit that road block of me wanting exclusiveness. He had said in a previous conversation that it was like him and Lainey were on an island and I had a boat, but I wouldn't throw them a life line because I wasn't the right boat.

(The full conversation and screenshot can be seen here.)

7. Increased emotional and psychological dependence of victim on abuser.

Greg has already succeeded in doing this with Lainey and many other girlfriends in the past, and has attempted to do this to several more. When married to Skye, Greg insisted that she not have a job outside of the home because he believes that a couple should spend most of their time together (despite later claiming that spouses who do not have a job outside the home, or at least have children, are useless). After meeting Shiloh, despite the fact that she was a celebrity in Canada at the time they met, he forced her to quit her singing career and move in with him to work for and with him full-time. Upon breaking up with Shiloh, he dated a woman named Adrienne, who he attempted to manipulate into moving in with him within three weeks of the start of their relationship - and she almost did. And likewise, when he began dating Lainey, within a month of meeting her, he had proposed to her, rented a house in the state where she lived so that she could finish high school, and then married her within the year. Lainey does not have a job, and is completely financially and psychologically dependent upon Greg for not just survival, but her very sense of identity and self-worth as a person.

8. Punishment through anger, verbal abuse, forced isolation, character assassination, etc.

When angry with ex-girlfriend Shiloh, he pushed her into a door frame, causing her to miscarry (although some people do not believe that she was pregnant, since she and Greg had once faked a pregnancy and stillbirth):

He also forced her to shave her head bald, calling her a “whore”, “his property”, and “a good bitch”:

When Billie lied to him about smoking weed, he attempted to punish her by forcing her to dye her eyebrows green, shave off her hair, get an ugly tan, be chained to his basement wall for a week wearing a sign saying “I’m sorry for lying Lainey” around her neck, and tattoo “I’m a liar” in the small of her back:

Billie has since deleted the video, so here, instead, is a video made by Joy Sparkle BS responding to clips that she pulled from Billie’s video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hF1TIetziTw

When he breaks up with exes, he also slanders and demeans their character on social media. He even does this with friends, other YouTubers, and sometimes just with people - usually women - that he doesn’t like.

He made a video criticizing his ex (Adrienne) for the number of sexual partners she’s had as well as implying that her vaginal hygiene was poor, and even made a series of videos in which he went and got himself tested for various STDs in order to imply that she was so promiscuous that she could have given him one (a video which later got deleted off YouTube when he realized how many downvotes it was getting); however, you can see her reference the video in her letter here:

When he and Skye divorced, he slandered her by calling her a thief and a liar, and continued to milk sympathy from his fans by implying that he was unfairly being forced to pay alimony, even though he agreed to the amount in the settlement, and she was rightly owed that money for her part in producing his early Onision videos.

When he broke up with Billie, he said and did several things to demean her character, including calling her a drug addict, imply that she’s “less than” for being high school dropout who lives with her parents still, and also revealed to his entire fan base that she has an eating disorder, accused her family of being drugs addicts, and that she had been sexually assaulted and had an abortion, a secret which she had previously revealed to only a handful of close friends and family:

After Blaire White called him out for his actions, he made a video calling her so many different vile names, with such vitriolic hatred, that I actually have trouble watching it all the way through - you can really see his narcissistic rage coming out in this video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEVHT6No5Xc

He has exhibited this cycle over and over again with YouTuber Cyr, who he has been friends with off and on for years:

It would take me ages to compile all of the exes, friends, YouTubers, and other randoms that he’s demeaned on social media or in his videos, so instead I’m just going to provide a (probably incomplete, and still-growing) list of people whose characters he has assassinated on Twitter or YouTube:

Exes: Skye (his first wife), Shiloh, Adrienne, Billie

Friends: Cyr, Andy Biersack

YouTubers: Social Repose, Jaclyn Glenn, Blaire White, Eugenia Cooney, Dan Howell, Keemstar, LeafyIsHere

Other: Ayallah (best friend of Billie, ex-girlfriend of Social Repose), Lainey’s family (father and sister), his own father, Luxymoo (Hailey)

9. Scouting new supply.

Before he had even divorced Skye, he moved on to Shiloh. When Shiloh left him and went back to Canada, he met Adrienne. When he broke up with Adrienne and she refused to take him back, he was texting Shiloh and Skye within 24 hours. When Skye, Shiloh, and Adrienne all refused to take him back, he then moved on to Lainey, who he had met and proposed marriage to within a few weeks. When he got bored of the ultimate power that he exerted over Lainey, he used he as queerbait to pull in Billie. When he and Lainey broke up with Billie - still bored with Lainey - he began auditioning new girls for a spot in his harem (Hailey/Luxymoo, Eryn).

Lainey doesn’t know it yet, but this entire cycle is going to begin repeating itself sooner or later. It’s just a matter of time. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were lowkey auditioning girls as I write this.

10. Acting as though nothing happened.

Need I say more?

#abuse #onision #anti-o #anti-onision #laineybot #narcissism #long post #masterpost #master post #history

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spectacular-quiet · 7 years

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So Much More

August 18, 2017

It’s probably been about a year since I started this blog, and I’ve been living in New York City for about 11 months now. And here we are, finally writing my first post since the big move! So much for capturing all those transitional feelings!

New York was so much more than I ever could have anticipated. AMDA was so much more than I ever could have anticipated. Here’s a quick snapshot of my life right now, just for records sake:

I’m 19 years old. I’m in the middle of my third semester at school, taking classes through the summer. I live in New York City. I’m in a relationship of about 9 and a half months, with a guy named Brendan. He’s 30. I figured out student loans with the help of my aunt Diane, who cosigned them with me, and got approved for the money I needed to finish my time in college. I have no contact with my parents anymore, and I’m not sure that I ever will again.

And I am broken.

I never knew just how deep my depression went, especially with it lying dormant for so many years. I assumed New York couldn’t be any more difficult than my life with abusive parents, but I was wrong. I feel as though anyone I’ve ever loved or has loved me is gone. Kady works in Disneyland currently, and Brendan and I had plans to visit the park for the first time and see her Labor Day Weekend, and those just fell through due to Brendan’s work. Mind you, a three day weekend is the longest break I have until my FOUR day weekend for Thanksgiving. Sweet, right?

Noah left 3 days ago for his mission, and I won’t be able to contact him for 2 years while he serves. I lived in fear of this day for so long, it almost doesn’t feel real. However, “almost” doesn’t mean shit when it keeps you up at night, crying and wishing you could’ve just seen him one last time.

My parents? Assholes. They’ve decided that fighting for control of the trust fund they legally cannot touch is more important than their relationship with their son who lives across the country, but my dad voted for Trump, so I really can’t be too heartbroken. (Oh yeah, Donald Trump is President. We’ll get there)

I’ve had two really close friends since I’ve been in the city, Genevieve and Savannah, and my first two semesters I spent a lot of time with them. That was no small feat either, considering our rigorous class load, along with being in a relationship with a guy who lives in Brooklyn. But between commuting to Brendan’s place every weekend to be with him and completing what feels like a thousand song charts, we still took time for ourselves. I felt a real connection with them and it was great having such stable friends in such a wild time in my life. But everything changed third semester, when Savannah went home for the summer to Brownsville, Texas, and Genevieve got put in an entirely different group from me. I don’t see either of them anymore, and there are so many things happening in my life that I wish they were at my side to help me through it.

Then there’s Brendan, the 30 year old boyfriend. On September 2nd, it will have been 10 months together. By far the longest relationship I’ve ever been in. I truly love him, but I can’t help but feel like I shouldn’t be in a relationship. For one, I feel like I’m too young and not well experienced enough to know that I’m alright to just continue dating him, especially as the relationship moves forward. Anniversaries keep passing, I meet more and more friends and family... and it feels like I’m being drawn into something I’m not ready for. I broke up with him once, in February, only to run back to his place 2 hours later, crying, because I knew I’d made a terrible mistake. He is all I have. That is a statement I never wanted to say, type, or think, but it’s true. And I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t think I’m okay at all, and I don’t want to venture into a dependency on him. But at the same time, I think it’s in my best interest to keep myself as sane as possible when my life is hanging by a thread. I have no home, and I will have to pay back tens of thousands of dollars in student loans all by myself. I will have to find an apartment and roommates out of school immediately if I am to not become homeless. I have no true friends to ask their opinions of, since school and my relationship eat all my time. I’ve talked to Brendan a lot recently about what’s been going on in my life emotionally and I can’t say he hasn’t been trying to be supportive, but I also know that he’s never experienced depression or anxiety, and because of that he will never understand. I’ve told him that I can’t shake the feeling that breaking up might be what’s best for me, because I want him to know and I want to have open discussions about our relationship so we can look, together, at what isn’t working before calling it quits. I just can’t be sure that this is what I want.

My life feels like a tornado. I don’t even feel present in my own skin anymore, and that’s a horrifying feeling. I am so burnt out from school and trying to ensure all the pieces fall as I wanted them too, but there are too many falling too quickly and I can’t keep this up.

I’m genuinely scared, and I have no idea what move will bring me out of this, and what move will be my undoing.

-J

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yungtal333 · 5 years

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Hey gyals,

Welcome back to Roseconnexa for another blog post.

How are you feeling today?

Before we continue; we should take a moment to center ourselves.

Focus on your breath and release any tension in you shoulders.

Alright now..

Today’s topic is about some of my travel experiences.

I’m giving you guys my Top 5 Places to Travel.

If you’re looking for a dope vacation spot for the summer; then this is the right post for you.

Traveling is definitely a hobby of mine. I try to travel as often as I can.

And, when I do, I like to emerge myself in the moment and in the culture.

I talk tons of pictures of course but I do it for the purpose of keeping memories.

I try to stay off my phone as much as I can while on vacation too.

So, traveling to another country works for me because I usually don’t have service unless I’m on Wifi.

Attending a Caribbean medical school; gave me the great opportunity to actually live in another country.

I lived in Anguilla for almost two years. And, Anguilla is definitely on my top 5 list.

Now, I get to travel with my fiance!

His football journey has allowed us to move to Richmond, Va and now to West Virginia.

We love the experience, because we get to see new places. And, we get to travel with each other.

I couldn’t imagine sharing this journey with anyone else.

AND, when I pass my exams; we will have to move to Chicago. I literally can not wait for that!

Okay enough of all that… let me gave you guys what ya came for.

Here’s my Top 5 Places to Travel this summer.

Anguilla

Anguilla is my #1 place to travel.

Anguilla is a small Caribbean island that’s located next to St. Maarten.

It has some of the world’s most gorgeous beaches.

The local people are so nice. The local food is delicious and fresh.

Anguilla should really be on everyone’s bucket-list!

Living in Anguilla; I got to experience the culture, the beaches and, really the Caribbean way of life all together .

I LOVED living there.

I love Anguilla so much that I plan on getting married there in Februrary of next year.

This summer, my fiance and I are planning to take a trip to Anguilla ourselves.

We have to officially start the wedding planning process.

YES, a destination wedding in Anguilla. Sounds like a fairy-tale to me. Thank you Hubby!

My favorite thing to do while in Anguilla is of course to, hit the beach.

Anguilla has sooo many beaches to choose from. It’s pretty ridic.

Most of them have bars and restaurants too! So, you’ll be great hands.

The resorts on Anguilla are something spectacular. And, the villas OMG! My favorite would have to be the Four Seasons. Which is on one of Anguilla’s most popular beaches; Meads Bay.

I experienced so much in Anguilla. This blog would be way to long if I kept going on about it. So, I’ll save the rest for another blog post.

But, to sum everything up; Anguilla is one of my favorite places in the world.

It’s a small island with a lot to do. The beaches are breathtaking and to die for. The locals are welcoming and there are so many great restaurants to dine at. There are two islands around; that you can visit too while spending time in Anguilla.

It can be a little expensive but it is so worth it. You can get some great pictures in Anguilla too.

And, better yet you can get some much-needed rest.. if the chickens permit.

If you want to have some real fun; visit Anguilla during carnival week. Their carnival is during the first week of August. When I tell you that its way too lit!!

I never seen so many people on the island before attending Anguilla’s carnival. You will have the time of your life. Trust me.

Belize

My fiance and I, got to visit Belize during a seven day cruise for his birthday.

We absolutely fell in love with the island.

Well, Belize is actually a mainland that’s on the east coast of Central America.

Spending one day in Belize was not enough. We def plan to visit Belize again.

Maybe for our honeymoon or something! We shall see.

There is literally so much to do in Belize.

Things like visiting the Mayan ruins, ziplining, and ATV tours.

My fiance and I didn’t have a lot of time to do everything so, we just stuck to cave tubing.

Funny enough; we actually thought that we choose a tour that would take us to the Mayan ruins.

But, caving tubing worked out for the better because it was so HOT.

And, cave tubing was cool asf. In both temperature and in sights.

We didn’t try any local food but we were able to eat local fruits and plants. Which were very delicious, I might add.

Overall, I think Belize is a great place to travel to because it is huge!

And, there is so much to do and see. Even while just driving around we saw so much.

Our tour guide was really great too.

I literally can’t wait to go back.

St. Kitts & Nevis

It wouldn’t be right if I didn’t put my dad’s home country on my top 5 list.

St.Kitts & Nevis is actually pretty close to Anguilla. On a good day, you can see St.Kitts from Anguilla. It’s quite cool.

I have visited St.Kitts (SK) so many times throughout my life.

Nevis is a sister island that is literally right next door. I’ve visited there I think only once for their carnival. It was SOOO fun.

I love SK because it is literally home to me. I first visited when I was 9 months old.

And, growing up we would visit at least once a year. We would stay for a month or two!

One of the best experiences I can remember in SK is when, my family and I climbed through the volcano.

Yes a VOLCANO, you guys. It was about the coolest thing that I have ever done.

We climbed to the top and had lunch on a ledge at top of the volcano (where lava spits out at). Don’t worry though, the volcano is dormant! We were safe but, not safe from the monkey’s who decided to throw half eaten banana at us.

That adventure inside the tropical rainforest and through the volcano took all day! And, after, we all slept like babies. It was a big deal hike. A hike that I would do again and again if I could.

SK is truly a beautiful and upcoming place. So much to do and see. And, the local is amazing.

SK has a cool downtown area which is usually busy during the day. They even have a movie theater there (well last time I went they did!).

When we visit we usually stay at our family home. The home my father and his siblings grew up in.

But, I have stayed at the Marriott Resort in SK. It’s beautiful and very private. And, great place to stay on vacation!

Like my Anguilla experiences; I could keep going on and on. But, I’m keeping it short for the sake of my hands and for you guys.

I will have another post about that’s all St. Kitts in the future. So please stay tuned.

Overall, SK is one country that you have to see in this life.

The culture and the land is beautiful beyond words.

And, having monkeys throw stuff at you or steal your alcoholic beverages is a just plus!

Toronto

Toronto is probably one of the coolest cities that I’ve gotten the chance to visit.

The city is so inspiring and they have legalized medical marijuana. So, that’s a big plus!

I didn’t have a lot of time in the city. But, I got to see so many cool things.

I took a picture of the CN tower but unfortunately I cannot find it. BOOO!

Toronto is such an artsy city. It almost reminds me of Philadelphia in a way.

It’s a great city to visit; especially during Caribana.

When I visited Toronto; Caribana had just ended.

But, trust that I got the festival vibes. There were decorations still hanging up around the city. So, that was pretty cool to see.

If you go in during the summer; be prepared for some serious heat though.

And, find this place called Graffiti Alley.

Graffiti Alley has some killer killer artwork.

I took so many pictures of all the creative pieces. They still inspire me to this day!

I also saved a Canadian five dollar bill as a souvenir. Their money is super cool.

St. Lucia

Oh St. Lucia, how I love you so.

St. Lucia is one of the most greenest islands that I have ever experienced.

It also has so many mountains. Like the famous Piton Mountains.

I went to St. Lucia with four of my classmates.

We decided that after our hardest semester of medical school; that we would take a seven-day cruise around the Caribbean.

It was a great experience to say the least.

We miss cruise!

While in St. Lucia, we did so many things.

We went to the Sulphur Springs to indulge in super hot volcano water and a mud bath.

When I tell you that that water was HOTTTTT. But, it felt sooo good beyond good.

Definitely visit the mud baths while you’re in St. Lucia.

We also took a tour around the island.

We stopped on the side of the road a couple of times too.

Once to take pictures with snakes and some locals.

And, another time to try banana flavored foods; like banana ketchup!

It was surprisingly really good (in my opinion). I bought some home for my family to try!

St. Lucia is known for their banana industry in fact

There are so many banana farms; it’s actually kind of crazy.

The adventure in St. Lucia were truly unforgettable.

I hope to visit again one day. I need a week vacation there. That would be LIFE.

There you have it loves.

My Top 5 favorite places that you should definitely visit this summer.

If you want more information about any of the places on my Top 5 List; then please contact me.

You can write me, DM me or comment in the section below!

I want to help you reach your travel goals.

I have been to more places than the ones I’ve listed today too.

So, if you are interested in me sharing more of my travel experiences then COMMENT IN THE COMMENT SECTION BELOW.

I’ll definitely be sharing more about Anguilla and my experience while living on the island as a Caribbean medical student.

I also want to share more about my experiences growing up and being blessed and able to visit St. Kitts every year.

So, STAY TUNED!!

Thank you for reading this far. You’re support means the world to me.

As always dolls,

If you like this post—->

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Until next time….

Stay Happy, Grateful and Aware. xoxo

With love,

Troi.

Travel Blog: Top 5 Places You Should Travel To This Summer (With Pictures) Hey gyals, Welcome back to Roseconnexa for another blog post. How are you feeling today? Before we continue; we should take a moment to center ourselves. 1,896 more words

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