Journal January 19, 2023

Today is a Thursday, of the last week of Mitch’s kingdom fitness Academy. Yesterday I started the unchained leader program, I watched the first module, today I got a visual overview; tomorrow is the video marked day one.

One of the recommendations is to Journal everything. Which I know I need to be doing anyway, and while handwriting is helpful, and preferable in many ways, words for me are always an act of translation,. And I'm still going to be doing that anyway, but for a different aspect of that program. Also he insists on that we take notes. Which is surprisingly helpful. That actually helps make it all stick better.

I know what brought me into this program is dealing with porn addiction, and while I haven't struggled with that for several months now that's more I think because I've been distracted and a bit overwhelmed with all the other tasks I have to deal with. Not so much because I haven't been tempted. Though I also now have several months worth of evidence that I do not need it to cope with anything. I also have proof that I do not need food to cope with anything. I also do not need dance to cope with anything. What I do need God will provide, and is accessible through God the father. I suppose to someone not spiritually minded that sounds very strange, but I don't care it's my journal.

I know going forward that I'm going to need to uproot all of the lies that I've believed about myself, that I told myself about myself. To uproot and remove the desires. I like that aim of the program. Though even, in prayer I feel that God has said, and placed on my heart, that I do need a counselor. At least for a time. I'm also going to keep working with Mitch for a while. I stumbled in this last week regarding food. I went on a few binges. A food plan of fewer than 2000 cal a day sent me into a strange emotional panic that I do not understand. But I was getting good results with the 2000 cal a day plan, and I'm reverting to that.

In some ways I barely recognize myself in the mirror, praise God. I do not mean that is an insult to myself, I only recognize the miracles that he is working, in me. One of the reasons I did this was to make my body a worthy temple, and I'm trying, and in many ways God is respecting that and making it that.

𝙱𝚞𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚍 𝙰𝚕𝚒𝚟𝚎

part timers

jsys week'24, day 1

people are so uncomfortable with drug use and addiction that they will just completely strip it from their discussion of jesse as a character. they cant reconcile their affection for him with their deeply ingrained disgust for drug users. like they cant conceptualize that this very sympathetic, very human character they love is also an addict because Addicts are subhuman and Bad People. its just so emblematic of a total inability to see real life drug users as actual humans with complex lives and emotions that people will straight up act like jesse getting into the meth business was some wacky coincidence and not because he was a meth addict who was making and dealing meth to other users for the explicit purpose of making money. he can be ur special little guy and a drug addict who relapses several times and sells drugs to other people and makes awful decisions because of or in tandem with those things.

"You swear to act with strength, compassion, and responsibility, to be a paragon of honour and justice. The Oath of Devotion is yours to fulfil."

Whence comes this melody constantly flowing? Is it rejoicing or merely hallooing? Are you discussing, or fussing, or simply dreaming?

MARIA BILBAO as JOHANNA BARKER in the 2023 revival of SWEENEY TODD: THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET. @theriddletrades' master.

Purity - Slipknot

Idk why but i have this hc that when Spider was younger, he disappeared for a couple days to see if anyone noticed, and nobody did. Like, the scientists assumed he was with the Sullies and the Sullies thought he was with the scientists. So after that he tried it a couple more times, and still nobody really noticed. he got into the habit of disappearing into the forest for days. With that being said, he tries it with whoever adopted him and they flip out. Sorry this is long lol.

gods he would.

he would wait, wait for someoone to be worried, each time he would disappear he would stay out in the woods longer, praying to Eywa, his Mother, that someone would notice, someone would come looking.

everytime he would go back starving, dirty, and dehydrated; he'd chug water till he felt sick and then sleep for hours, and still no one worried.

eventually he pushed himself to far, and it took hours to find the kid, passed out in a shivering ball, no one had seen him in days, and by the time he did he was on his last of his spare battery. instead of being doted on, he was scoffed at and lectured on running away and being safe in the woods. he never told anyone why he did it, never told them he just wanted to see if anyone cared.

after that he only stays out there for a day at a time, normally sneaking to either one of his 'homes' in the cover of night. no one asks questions, no one even notices, or if they do, no one says anything.

so when he starts doing it around Quaritch, never being able to wander far, but avoiding him on the ship to see if he would notice, sending the man into a panic each and every time. Quaritch will pretend not to care, but after the boy dodges him for hours, letting the man believe he was lost, he can't help but let it show a little. it's worse when spider does it in the field, cause again, he can't wander far, but he's good at hiding, and he'll put Quaritch and the team on their heads, making them nervous as all hell that something bad happened to him.

when he does it to ronal and tonowari, he gets to very aggressive love and affection and a shit ton of worry. they both go out searching for him, his siblings too, searching day and night till they find him (it doesn't take long, but it feels like an eternity to them). when they find him, it feels like they've always got a hand on him, he can't break away from any alone time, and he can't pretend like they don't care. they hold him like he's going to vanish, they beg him not to run off like that again, they shower him with love and affection.

when ronal asks him why he doesn't really have an answer. he knows why he used to do it, but is that still why he does it? he can barely mutter his answer when he finally gives into his prodding.

"used to run off... see if people... if they would notice"

"notice?"

"notice if I ran off... if I disappeared"

"oh my child"

she would hold him for hours if she could, she would never put him down for the rest of her life if it meant her son would never have to run away just to know people cared.

not to get all "actually☝️" about it but. the whole point of this is the fact that it isn't at all eddie's fault and buck just doesn't know how to properly process or recognize his feelings and know what he's missing *until* he gets presented with a specific situation. in truth buck has no right to be mad at eddie for building bonds with other ppl and it's why he has to do some introspection. this is not a "oh no poor buck eddie apologize to him!!!" thing, it's about buck getting, for lack of a better term, a good emotional humbling. eddie deserves good friendships and relationships, full stop. and if he likes the way he feels when he hangs out with tommy then great!! he's his own person and not a tool to further buck's character. but you also can't expect buck to immediately recognize that because, again, and for the millionth time, the whole POINT is that he doesn't. so if it has to get ugly and uncomfortable and embarrassing for him to do so then that is what will happen and that doesn't make either of them bad people. this is not a blame to be passing around. it's just them being human beings

Growing up from being a gifted kid with a hopeful future to becoming your dad

Shameless S1 / Insurgent by Veronica Roth / Runs In The Family - Amanda Palmer / Joker (2019), dir.  Todd Phillips / Shameless s3 / Shameless s6x12 / Why Do We Behave Just Like Our Parents? /  “Things You Wanted To Say But Never Did” by Geloy Conception

Does anybody want to talk ab Jesse’s original script name being, on God, MARION ALAN DUPREE. As if they didn’t do my boy dirty enough as if he didn’t get his ass beat every other scene as if he didn’t have to interact with Walter on a constant basis as if they weren’t originally going to kill him off they were also going to give him this confederate soldier ass name!! Why did they hate him!! Whoever vetoed this I am kissing you sloppy I am tonguing your shoes thank you for sparing him this terrible fate!!

the way in which jesse is treated by the Men on breaking bad is so similar to how the women are treated.....when hank is injured he treats marie like a maid, solely as a Provider, and he treats jesse the same way when they collaborate to take down walt, not as a human but as a resource that can be depleted and cast aside when there's no longer a purpose to be served.....obviously walt treats jesse much the way he treats skyler, manipulating him and condescending to him and engaging in a partnership that is more functional than emotional (until it Needs to be emotional, which walt will gladly exploit).....there’s even shades of the way mike treats stacey in the way he treats jesse........like the fact that we get that beat of jesse and skyler sharing that significant Look when they realize that walt treats them in the same shitty way, the detail of marie making coffee for jesse while her husband calls him a useless junkie behind his back like a way of saying that she sees his humanity, its enough to make a person feel sooooo normal 

omg breaking bad collaboration cafe?!

when the when them when the when when 

Barbara and Gordon have learned the hard way that "no shop talk" has to be the rule of their dinners together or otherwise they'll both just talk about that. So now Gordon's apologizing for his venting when he arrived about being late because of that lunatic, the Red Hood, who Gordon couldn't arrest fast enough and Barbara's smiling tightly, debating whether or not to tell her Dad that Batman and him might be getting on decent terms.

daOldTimes