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danboman · 1 month

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My father is dead

Somewhere in the archives of this blog is a post about my grandmother dying. It talks about the different reactions my mother and I had: to her the woman was a bitchy mother in law, a rival and enemy while to me she was a nice old lady who gave me Nutty Buddies and watched wrestling with me. One of the reasons my mom hated her was that she and her husband weren't there for my brother and I, and that's certainly a legitimate complaint; they kind of evaporated when I was 10 and were never seen or heard from again. I only found out she was dead third hand. But to me, Nanny and Poppa will always be Little Debbie snacks, WWF pay per views, Bob Ross, and cold coffee. And those are memories to cherish. I don't have the energy to resent what wasn't.

And yet

Last week, that woman's son died. By a strange coincidence, he happened to be my biological father. He and my mother divorced when I was still too young to be forming permanent memories, so my memories of him are all holidays, birthdays, and the occasional weekend when he would actual step up for his custody agreement. (part of the reason I have so many fond memories of my grandparents is that they would take my brother and I on his weekends just to give my mom a break. Where he was and what he was doing I never knew) Like Nanny and Poppa, dad was a sometimes presence in my life: a bushy mustache that tickled my nose when he kissed me (gimme some sugar, he would say every time), a present and a card. And then one day, like his parents, he just...vanished. No more visits, no more presents or cards or phone calls. I was ten. By the time I was thirteen I had stopped wondering what happened and just started quietly hating him. By the time I was twenty I had stopped thinking about him.

I'm 40 now, and he's dead.

When I first learned of his death, I immediately shrugged it off. Thirty years of my life have passed without this man in it; he could have died in 1994 as far as I'm concerned, right?

And yet

It's been eating at me, gnawing away at my brain, for days now. And it infuriates me. Why do I care? How am I not over this? The man made a choice not to be part of my life. He missed my entire adolescence and young adulthood, the times when a boy really needs his father. And in an age of text messaging and social media, he has continued to make that choice every. Single. Day.

And so did I.

I could have reached out. I looked him up on Facebook once, years ago. I could have sent a message, tried to establish contact. But my pride wouldn't let me. He walked out on me...let him be the one to offer the olive branch.

But he never did.

And now he's dead.

Except

A couple of years ago, he reached out to my younger brother. Wanted to make contact, reconcile, whatever. And my brother hesitated. Came to me. I told him it was his choice to make but I'd back his play. IN the end they had a couple of empty phone conversations about nothing, and then he faded back into the ether.

Why he chose my brother and not me, I'll never know. My brother doesn't know.

I have a personal philosophy of not regretting my decisions. Every dumb mistake and poor choice I've made in my life has led me to where I am, and if I changed one tiny thing, who knows what I would lose? Which friendships would never exist? What experiences would I never had had? I look forward, always. But this is different. Because this is someone else's decision as well. And I'll never understand why I wasn't good enough for my own father.

There. I said it.

I wasn't good enough for my own father to want to be a part of my life, and what kills me even more than that basic fact is that I have lost any opportunity to find out why. I'm not going to miss him; that ship sailed decades ago. But now I'll never get to know. And I'll never know why, when he did finally reach out and the end of his life, he chose my brother and not me. Specifically excluded me, in fact.

And that's not even the end of it. Because I realized something today: by abandoning me when and how he did, he immortalized himself in my mind in a certain way. When I think of him, I don't think of the absentee father. I don't think of the abusive monster my mother describes. I think of an easy smile, a mustache that tickles my nose (gimme some sugar), of hugs and love and the innocent joys of childhood.

I can't hate that man.

That man's my dad.

And now he's dead.

#absentee father #family trauma #abondonment #death of a parent

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forgivenessflowers · 4 months

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old barn

#mine #appalachain gothic #southern gothic #abondoned #appalachia

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drawnfamiliarfaces · 6 months

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ew, old men, on inherently opposite moral sides and dramatically different moral values, flirting fighting????

its more likely than you think ( ✧≖ ͜ʖ≖)

#ninja showdown #my immortal soul #first ninja x chase young #chase young #rc9gn first ninja #first ninja #rc9gn #xiaolin showdown #randy cunningham 9th grade ninja #listen i know it seemed like a joke when i said they suddenly became my comfort ship but like??i cant stop drawing them. help.#i dunno why but its so fun to draw chase being all 'hey babe i know im evil & you are good & we tried to kill each other a couple of times #but do you wanna abondon your duty and be in my fallen warrior harem and stay immortal with me forever?' ;)#and first is just like- constantly having a conniption lol #if i ever draw first not angry in presence of chase im not sure whos gonna have a heart attack me or chase

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generativetenebrousautomata · 2 months

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braindos · 1 year

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Raaagsgshhaa I love them sm

#back to the gustholomule fandom after abondoning it for so long #gustholomule #toh #the owl house #toh gustholomule #gus Porter #mattholomule #toh mattholomule #toh gus #the owl house fanart #the owl house gus #the owl house mattholomule #fanart #art

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fucked-up-brain · 4 months

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I have found people in my life that I never want to lose again. But so often it feels like I could lose them at any second. It tears me apart.

#actually borderline #actually bpd #borderline personality disorder #bpd mood #bpd feels #bpd problems #bpd thoughts #depressiv #lost #friends #people i love #fear of loss #fear #abondoned #ahhhhh #i dont want to be alone

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russian-aesthetic · 25 days

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#russia #ussr #soviet union #abondoned #shuttle #space program

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anotherpapercut · 6 months

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my literal favorite joke in the fucking world to make is being like "I don't have a dad" or "I don't know my dad" when someone like offhandedly assumes I have 2 parents or references having a dad like as if I'm upset or something bc people ALWAYS fall for it no matter how many times I do it and there's like a second where they're not sure what to do before I start laughing and they realize its ok to laugh

an absolute fucking classic

#i have 1 friend whos dad abondoned her so her and i like to double up on this sometimes aofbaksjskneiabdbd its so funny #once she was dating this dude and he said smth like 'you know how it is with dads'#and i said 'actually i dont' and my friend said 'yeah thanks for reminding me my dad abandoned me geez' and then we both lost our minds #he was like i hate you two so much. she and i have been friends since we were 11 so we're just insufferable around each other

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20ctrl · 6 months

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not today

#bandcamp #music #ambient #liminal spaces #scary #liminal #dreamcore #oddcore #nostalgia #weirdcore #soviet #russian #far north #snowcore #winter #horror #strangecore #abondoned #horrorcore

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hipstafootprint · 4 months

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Greyscale

Grey February · Zurich 2024

#architecture #blank #empty #abondoned #grey #abstract #random art

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virtualmoons · 7 months

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#emocore #emo scene #photo dump #nostalgia #2000s emo #scenecore #lol #grunge #grungy style #angelic #fallen angel #myspace #trashy 2000s #abondoned #i love you #111 #me and who

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acylyss78 · 2 months

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#vessel #abondoned

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forgivenessflowers · 4 months

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creek i played in when i was a kid

#mine #appalachain gothic #southern gothic #abondoned

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undead-knick-knack · 6 months

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Hey Travis what the FUCK

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thetrashiestbaby · 8 months

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Some kids read Percy Jackson as a kid and immediately started trying to figure out which one of your parents wasn’t really your parent bc you wanted to be a demigod

I had an absent father who my mother refused to talk ab, who I had one (1) picture of, and he would show up every couple years take me and bring me to some estranged family member’s house AND I exhibited signs of ADHD from a young age

Convincing myself I was a demigod was the only thing that kept me mentally stable from the ages of 10-13

We are not the same

#percy jackson show #you don’t understand I was genuinely convinced I was a demigod #my friends were jealous of me bc I was abondoned by my father so I got to be a demigod #percy jackon and the olympians #percy pjo #percy jackson #pjotv #pjo fandom #pjoverse #pjo #pjo adaptation #percy jackson disney+#heros of olympus #demigods

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ruvaid · 3 months

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It's a paradox. I feel like I'm too much and not enough at the same time. Many of us had narcissistic or absent parents. If we were abused by the people who were ment to take care of us, how can we ever trust again?

I want to learn how to love without fear but instead, I kill relationships before they really start. I've manipulated people and I've filled them with guilt, just to make them stay. My life is full of contradictions. I'm scared that the people I've opened up to I trust and loved, will leave all of a sudden, without any explanation. I want them to understand and help me while at the same time, I think I deserve to be alone. I want you to stay, but I'll tell you, you should leave. I'm too damaged and fucked up for you to waste your time on me.

I'll look for signs of oncoming abandonment in your tiniest gestures, so that I can leave before you do. I'll close the door for you, but gently open the window, because I'm hoping you'll try and squeak through it, just to prove you care.

#bpd #blog #mental illness #actually bpd #bpd problems #bpd thoughts #bpd vent #abondoned #abandonment #abandoment issues

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