its so funny how every till death do us blart episode starts with “hey gang? I hate this, can we stop this?” and then they don’t because they’re all binding each other in some sort of sisyphean crab bucket hellscape of mediocre film watching. like it doesn’t have to be this way but no one can pull the trigger

in paul blart mall cop 2, it is revealed that the BBEG has an oatmeal allergy. it is the lynchpin in the story that allows blart and his daughter to defeat him. this is stupid and makes no fucking sense. but heres the thing. this could easily be fucking fixed and made to make sense if they just changed one detail.

it is established that paul blart needs a bowl of peanut M&Ms in his room to help him deal with his hypoglycaemia. this sets up his condition but it could also serve as a chekov's gun. just establish that the BBEG is allergic to peanuts, and has an ACTUAL ALLERGY THAT IS DEADLY instead of making up an oatmeal allergy that is triggered by,,, oatmeal face cream?? a thing that does not exist and was never addressed a single time in the movie until it was used? just have paul keep some peanut M&Ms in his pockets and then hes good. im freaking the fuck out about this how am i a better writer than the people who wrote the script for paul blart mall cop 2

In which the boys deify Paul Blart.

elton blart

i think i am going to kill myself

@mcelroyfamilystaff

and a joyous death blart day to all who celebrate

Yello-Ha! It’s 2023s Till Death Do us Blart Blingo Sheet. Thank you to all who suggested ideas for squares last year. NOT TODAY DEATH!

okay okay okay, here me out.

youve heard of paul blart one and two.

the subsequent movies should be:

Paul Blart Mall Cop 3: Paul lives in LA now, after a brief detour in new york, he is in LA to support Maya at UCLA. the crime organization is trying to steal art from the university during the matriculation ceramony, and there are lots of fun shenanagins. this one is kind of a buddy cop film with the woman blart meets at the end of pb2. the film ends with them deciding to live in Bakersfield to give Maya some space, and they get married. Lane is technically there, as is the piccaso, which is explained to have been gifted to the blarts in thanks for them saving the hotel (yeah this doesnt make sense, but its paul blart, this is not a high brow franchise).

Paul Blart Mall cop 4: 2 Blart 2 Furious. Paul finds himself in an illegal underground segway racing ring, where Maya (his daughter, for those of you who don't know) is threatened by the boss who runs the ring (much like in pb2, paul drops a bunch of money on a race before he realizes what it is and tries to withdraw his money once the race starts and he realizes what it is. he flees with his money and draws the ire of this underground segway racing group.

Paul Blart Mall Cop 5: lost in new york. this is a beat for beat re-creation of home alone: lost in new york, but its paul blart instead of Kevin. its set in the present day, and they bring back all of the old actors, including Donald Trump.

Paul Blart Mall Cop 6: Teen Blart. a light comedy origin story about how Paul blart came to love segways and malls. he watches his local mall get broken into and uses his skills as a youth to stop a group of thieves from ransacking his local mall to ransack the sears and steal a bunch of their merchandise. Paul is 18, but played by modern kevin james and they never address this.

Paul Blart Mall Cop 7: All Cops Are Blart. Paul blart gets cloned.

Paul Blart 8: a good day to die blart. a groundhog day story but its paul blart and he doesnt die, he just starts the day over. this is huge for the lore a. la. shadow man.

Hopping around buzzing waiting for the year of our lord 2023’s deathblart to pop up on my podcast feed.

Horrifying realization today as I continue my yearly binge of deathblart and someone abbreviated Paul Blart Mall Cop as PBMC, which also stands for peripheral blood mononucleocites, a type of cell i work with frequently. This information will now haunt me every time I pull them from the freezer

Who else?

paul blart as a dnd character has 1 level in a bunch of different classes: barbarian, paladin, rogue, artificer and ranger. has the mounted combatant and inspiring leader feats. he has a minus 3 to wisdom. you probably don’t need this information but here it is.

What the fuck did my wife just send me

my brain has currently decided i can Only listen to till death do us blart on loop and on one hand very funny show on the other hand How Many Times Can The Same Men Forget The Same Things

The Blart is back in town

MALL COP TRIVIA #34

By the time the first movie was released in American theaters, there were no longer any Sharper Image retail stores despite one being present in the film

This is.

My.

Favorite.

Podcast.

And it updates once a year.

Today.