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andthebeanstalk · 11 months

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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

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harbingerofsoup · 10 months

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there’s death of the author and then there’s whatever the fuck is up with danny phantom

#danny phantom #death of the author #most of the lore is fan made #a decent chunk of the fandom hasn’t even seen the show #one of the most beloved side characters isn’t an actual character #because we made him up based on a like 2 second clip #he’s not even the only widely accepted fan made character #because we spawned more from him #and we ba sing se-ed ourselves about phantom planet #dannypocalypse is also a thing #it doesn’t have anything to do with death of the author #but it’s important to me that we’ve pulled off a successful fandom apocalypse #every year since i think 2017

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chloesimaginationthings · 1 month

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Michael doesn’t like his father in any FNAF universe..

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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 3 months

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Good Morning, World.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #jiang yanli #jiang cheng #'Good Morning World' because to wwx the jiang household is what grounds him. It is his burrow and blanket.#The familiar soup and banter is his home. The familiar arguments and tension are also his home.#Notice how quickly he throws LWJ to the side once he has JC back in reach! 'He was so boring; I wish *you* were there!'#WWX is very quick to constantly remind himself that he fits within a very specific power structure and role.#He pushes boundaries but almost always only the boundaries that he knows he can push against.#Sitting here now and realizing that if WWX did take life more seriously and act more diligent he would totally usurp JC.#Because the contrast with Them (tm) is wwx is the one that gets in trouble and JC is the one that sticks to the rules.#That responsible appearance especially in contrast is the thin line that holds JC's self-esteem together.#And lets be fully honest. From JC's perspective the last week was also extremely intense and stressful.#It truly was a feat to travel so far so fast despite also being exhausted. Never knowing if it is all in vain.#JC said with his actions 'I would move mountains for you and dig through stone with my bare hands if it meant reaching you.'#and WWX said '[read]'#It's about wwx chronically asking 'why would someone care for me? I'm always tool to be used' than accepting that people love him.

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cube-cumb3r · 1 year

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while im at it neopronoun opposition is weird to me as a swedish person.. the whole debate is so anglocentric that they assume every language landed on the same solution they did, to reuse a plural pronoun as a gender neutral one and then they think any other solution is absurd or unheard of. what do you mean you just made another pronoun up you cant do that!! etc

coz its like here in the 2014 the swedish academy accepted 3rd person pronoun "hen" (as opposed to hon/han) like officially into our word list after it gained some popularity in the 2010s. like that is a NEOPRONOUN that someone just Came Up With in like the 60s and then people just started using it and now its just a recognized part of our language. sure we could've also reused our plural pronoun "de/dem" as a gender neutral one but we just made up a new one instead. and to like imply that mainstream use of a neopronoun is just UNHEARD OF and that neopronouns is something the mainstream could NEVER GET USED TO EVER!!! is... your perspective is very limited to the english speaking world is all i can say

#now like it is pretty cool that the swedish academy did choose to include it in our word list even despite the conteoversy #because ofc there was conteoversy what do yoy MEAN youre CHANHING OUR LANGUAGE????#but like even if that disnt happen the word still gained lots of traction before that and started being used #like smth doeant have to be accepted by the mainstream nevessairly to be valid anyway #some ppl are happy even if only their friends and loved ones r the ones using their neopronouns #so like. bleh #q-rambl3 #sorry for the many gender rambles these past weeks #i see so much discourse and it irritates me ans TBIS IS MY ONLY OUTLETTTT

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vaguely-concerned · 2 months

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bashir got so lucky in falling in impassioned surprise-simpatico homoerotic what-are-we-ness with a dude whose species considers mutual monologuing for hours at a time a love language. 'not only do I not want you to shut up; I in fact wish to join you in never shutting the fuck up. please tell me more of your thoughts on this subject so I can explain to you at length why you're wrong <3'

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smash-chu · 3 months

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Long distance loneliness

#my art #doodles #smash-chu's art #not having the luxury of being able to just drive and see someone i know and love #having all my human connection come from digital screens when not visiting my family once or twice a year #it makes your heart sink down into a place that is hard to get out of #a place of acceptance that i will just have to live with being lonely #i love my friends #i just wish they weren't so spread out away from me #in a way i was left back here cause i was the only one that didn't move back to their parents #and now i struggle alone being comforted via keeping in touch online #but it can never replace seeing face to face #getting to be right there next to someone #touch starved is a understatement #but for now that is just how it has to be #anyways #my period is frying my brain making every feeling feel more intense so i feel super fucking alone right now #it's fine it'll go back to being numb soon enough #but sometimes you just need to let stuff out

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damconcha · 3 months

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One of my favorite things about the ASL Brothers is the fact that Ace was the one brought out the sake and proposed becoming brothers.

Not Luffy or Sabo but Ace.

Ace, who believes he is unlovable, Ace who believes that his blood is dirty, Ace who believes that he didn’t deserve to be born, Ace who thinks that his life is worthless, Ace who believes that his mere existence is a crime.

And yet Ace saw these two boys and approached them without apprehension or fear of rejection even though he was proposing something as irrevocable, something as bonding as brotherhood

#not to mention ace had these thoughts bc this is how the WORLD sees him #that world put these thoughts into his head and made him believe that #but sabo and luffy only see him. not gol d. or even portgas d. but just ace.#the way ace knew that they wanted this just as much as he did #like he is theirs and they are his and he knew that #i remember learning that ace proposed it and being *so surprised*#cause we had just seen that ace had no self worth and hated himself #but he knew that they accepted him and that they wanted him in their lives #and he decided to make it permanent #they are his family. they are his safe place. they love him unconditionally.#DO YOU GUYS GET WHAT IM TRYING TO SAY #goddd these brothers make me so ill #it’s 2am so if this doesn’t make sense that’s why #i am thinking so many thoughts #i’ll probably delete this later #portgas d. ace #asl brothers #one piece #concha speaks #asl rambles #concha posts

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s0fter-sin · 15 days

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i need ghoap frantically making out against a door finally taking the leap on their feelings. need ghost grinding against soap, expecting to find him just as hard as him, only to feel nothing

and in all his wisdom and experience, he concludes soap was tortured and never told him

he’s trying to think of a delicate way to say he understands, that he’s been through it and it doesn’t change anything about how he feels (and who the fuck touched him so he can hunt them down and rend them limb from limb)

meanwhile trans!soap’s just trying to find the best angle to grind his cunt on ghost’s thigh

just it never even entering ghost’s head bc he’s never known a trans person but he has met plenty of people who’ve been tortured - himself included - so of course that’s his logical leap

soap takes off his shirt and he sees his top surgery scars and ghost asks if he wants him to kill the one who did it and soap just hums like, “actually, man did pretty good, they healed real well,” and ghost’s just teary-eyes with awe at how well he’s coping, “looking on the bright side, that’s my johnny.”

imagine he thinks johnny was fully castrated but sees he’s determined to still have a sex life with him so he buys packers and straps to help him bc hell yeah healing and soap’s just like, “holy shit i’ve never had such a thoughtful partner before, such a sweet man, lt.”

#he a little confused but he got the spirit #its so good bc it can be super angsty of ghost really dreading whats been done to his sergeant and trying to make it right #or just go full crack treated seriously and have fun with it #i love just completely oblivious ghost #in any military context hes the smartest guy in the room #he always knows the play and has more experience than anyone #but stick him in the normal world? man is Lost #ghost just thinks hes had some kind of reconstruction surgery after being tortured and accepts thats what johnny looks like #bc hes never seen a pussy before #it takes years for soap to actually come out to him bc he just never thought to #hes seen him naked theyve literally slept together what else is there for him to say #then he shows him like a family album or something and ghosts just like ‘why arent you in any of these i only see girls’#and he just goes ‘hang on a second’#soap gets one of his sporadic periods one night and panics a little thinking it would weird ghost out or remind him that hes not cis #but ghost just thinks its a normal part of such a thorough reconstruction that hed bleed sometimes #and doesnt question it when soap grabs a pad out of his drawer bc ‘thats such a good way of handling the discharge my johnnys so smart’#just really supportive ghost for the wrong reasons #coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt #we’re a team. ghost team #soapghost #ghostsoap #simon ghost riley #ghost cod #john soap mactavish #soap cod

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ao3-crack · 1 year

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(x)

#archive of our own #ao3 quotes #ao3 stuff #archive of our own quotes #fanfic #fanfic quotes #funny #ao3 #just accept your true calling as a theatre kid and go get your adhd diagnosis already #this is actually a really good fic #it explores gender in a cool and meaningful way #also #this is me with literally every one of my friends #how I ended up being the only non-theatre kid is a mystery #(actually I have crippling anxiety that decides to pop in every time I stand in front of a group so that might be it)#adhd #theatre #theatre kid

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honeyhobbs · 24 days

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We need more gaz calling cards and in this essay I will

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hyunpic · 1 month

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DAILY HYUNJIN GIFS UNTIL HIS BDAY: love you and all your little things - hyunpic & hyuncam

#hyunjin #skz #stray kids #bystay #staydaily #gifs #had to make this to live up to my url hehe 😻#this was longer with more gifs originally but oli said ten is already lot to take in #so i took two gifs away ahsjdn it’s still more than ten but sorry i suffer from the i must include everything virus #i will only accept a marriage proposal if it comes with either one of his paintings/photographies or if he is the one proposing #a side note that had to get out of my system #anyway… umm 🤨

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idolomantises · 2 months

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I always feel like the worst kind of character redemptions (other than redemptions where a character immediately redeems themselves after one conversation) are ones where the villain is betrayed and so they switch sides, and it's treated like they've become a better person.

#txt #it was one of my biggest pet peeves with how catra's redemption was handled (As well as everyone being her bff lol)#kid cosmic did this too but chuck was funny so i was fine with it #i think rise of the tmnt handled this concept the best. draxum was betrayed but it didn't mean he's a good guy now #he was a wanted criminal who only accepted help from mikey because he needed a place to hide #and then they slowly bonded and he gradually reforms himself #i love shit like that

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turtleblogatlast · 23 days

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Mikey and Leo episode centered around Mikey wanting to push Leo and Draxum together since Leo’s the most reluctant to give Draxum any grace (for good reason!) But, thinking on the spot, Leo says he’s gotta go do something for Hueso and “just can’t hang out right now 😔” (yes, he says the emoji out loud.)

Mikey calls his bluff and now the three of them (Mikey having grabbed a weary Draxum along) go to Hueso’s to find that yes, he actually does have a job for him. Said job asks for Leo to go with Hueso to deliver multiple pizzas to this giant yokai quite a distance away, and Hueso figured it would probably go better with Leo’s help (emphasis on probably.)

Well, Mikey decides that this would be a great bonding opportunity for them and basically invites he and Draxum along. Unfortunately for Leo, Hueso doesn’t care enough to wave away more help, though he does side-eye the wanted criminal Baron Draxum coming with them. But who is he to judge? (This choice has consequences.)

The journey goes about as terribly as you’d expect, but at least the pizzas get delivered on time.

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt mikey #rottmnt leo #rottmnt draxum #rottmnt hueso #listen you don’t understand #imagine mikey trying to get leo to accept draxum as a father figure only for this to push leo to purposefully turn to Hueso instead #idk I love when this accidental flaw of Mikey’s is explored and I think it meshes well with Leo’s own AND fits nicely with their dynamic #100% this ends with Leo & Hueso bonding and Mikey & Draxum bonding and Mikey & Leo bonding and even Hueso & Mikey a bit #but notably only a little Draxum & Leo - because it’s important that Leo isn’t forced to accept him imo #Leo realizing during all his denials of Draxum that oh you know who he DOES think of as family? Hueso #Draxum is trying mainly for Mikey’s sake #Hueso is too tired to care about all this family drama but is reluctantly worried about Pepino #Mikey just wants one big happy family because - that’s just easier y’know?#he tries so hard to work with everyone’s emotions that he just wants things to be easy for once #he wants love and family to be easier than it is - than has BEEN lately #gimme that heart to heart Mikey & Leo moment in this regard #by the end Leo DOES raise Draxum up a bit from ‘complete distrust’ to ‘mild side-eye’#but it’s a long ways off if he ever gets pushed into the family tier #and also #SO MUCH SLAPSTICK COMEDY and sarcastic comedy in this episode fr #and if you’re wondering-#yes they DO fight the Yokai monster they’re delivering the pizzas to #but they get paid so it’s whatever #kinda wanna attempt to copy the style of the show and make fake screenshots of this ‘episode’ ngl

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