God i fucking hate that The Protestant Work Ethic persists in my family despite being atheists for literally three generations. Im sitting here feeling guilty for using a sick day because the pain isnt as bad as I expected, so I technically could have gone to work after all but like. I called in because I didnt know how bad it was going to be today! I shouldnt feel guilty for being proactive! Im still more tired than normal even if the painkillers are actually functioning! I have a now formally diagnosed chronic illness and still the ghost of my mother (who is actually on a beach vacation rn and not dead) is telling me that I should have gone to work or at the very least should clean my room and be productive today.

venting below, cw suicide mention

nothing better than trying to pull yourself out of the worst spiral of your life, with full support from your significant other, and to start feeling motivated and passionate and driven again, to be working with some of the coolest people you've met

And to be told by family that you should go get a minimum wage job at a greenhouse because "it's so sad seeing your potential go to waste"

Sorry we chose to work towards our dreams instead of embracing our real potential of becoming a life insurance payout

It’s been years since I posted something on this blog but I felt like I needed a place to scream into the void and be seen and heard by no one I know and know that I never actually have to think about it again.

All my life I’ve known that I didn’t experience things the way everyone else does, that I didn’t get things or understand things that EVERYONE seems to know like second nature.

As a teenager I brushed it off believing that it’s the common ‘not like other girls/boys’ and a sense of need to be different even when all I wanted was to be the same as everyone, to find a group of people or even a single person that could fit in with.

I can’t concentrate, I speak too loud and too fast or I move too slow or why am I lagging behind everyone else gets it why not me or how is everyone just able to do things obviously since I can’t I must be lazy or why can’t I do this or this there must be something wrong or I can’t find anything wrong it has to be the way I do things or it’s more than the way I do things it’s a part of me or why am I like this what’s wrong with me or there’s something wrong with me and I’m wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong I’m wrong why can’t I stop it someone help me why can’t I be normal please just let me be like other people please let me be normal I want to be the same I just want to be understood I want real friends I want someone to please help me

And I could never put it into words so no one really got that it was more than me having trouble with school or making friends. I was always told that I was normal and that nothing was wrong with me but I always knew that it wasn’t right.

When I was looking through my life/medical documents I found a booklet about something from my early schooling.

I found out that when I was 6 my teachers brought a surveyor to the school and they said that I most likely had ADHD. The only reason they didn’t diagnose me then was because they weren’t allowed to without my parents’ permission.

Want to know what my parents said to that?

That they were wrong. That I was normal. That all I needed was a push in the right direction and some proper discipline and my bad behaviour would go away. That I just needed to learn that I couldn’t ‘go off with the fairies’ and daydream and that I had to focus.

They knew all this time that I wasn’t normal. They lied to me all these years when I tried to tell them something was wrong. That I was different. That I couldn’t do things or get things the ways others could. They told me I was wrong.

I WAS SIX WHEN THEY HAD PROOF SHOWN IN THEIR FUCKING FACES AND THEY DID NOTHING. I TOLD THEM SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH ME AND THEY TOLD ME THAT I WAS MAKING IT UP. THEY KNEW THEY KNEW THEY KNEW THEY KNEW THEY KNEW THEY KNEW THEY KNEW THEY KNEW THEY LIED TO ME FOR YEARS WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY I KNEW IT

WHY DID I LISTEN TO THEM I KNEW THEY WERE WRONG WHY DID I TRUST THEM THEY LIED TO ME I NEEDED HELP THEY KNEW I NEEDED HELP AND THEY DID NOTHING THEY DID NOTHING THEY SAID THEY WIULD BE THERE FOR ME BUT THEY LIED THEY LIED I NEEDED HELP AND THEY LIED TO MY FACE FOR YEARS

And now if I want help it’s going to take so long. It will take at least a year and thousands of dollars I don’t have. I don’t have any diagnoses but I know I have another disorder than ADHD and there were so many signs but they all refused to believe they were symptoms because I was weird or because I ‘wanted to do things that was harder for myself’ and I hate how OBVIOUS it all was

I needed help for so long. I could be so much better right now if I only had an ACTUAL support system. I don’t have the money for any diagnosis and I needed the help years ago instead of having to wait over a year from now because of the waitlist.

I hate this. I’m exhausted. I want help. I just want to rest. I just want to fit in. I want to be fixed. I want to be normal.

I’ve had so many meltdowns over wanting to be normal. Maybe if I was then I could hold an actual job. Maybe I could have more than one friend. Maybe I wouldn’t have to lie to my family about myself and I haven’t even brought up my sexuality that I’m hiding from them.

I want to type so much more. I have years of confusion and anxiety and rage and despair and exhaustion to let out but there’s too much. I’m so tired.

I’m just so tired.

A little more personal venting, sorry.

I'm ngl, I love to talk to people but I am finding it draining lately. I am often the one that has to initiate, and keep the conversation flowing and because I am very tired and unwell atm, I just can't always do that. People telling me they're "afraid" to talk to me and that they will take my slow replies as me not wanting to talk to them.. I'm just.. I can't do it. I know that folks have their own anxieties, it's a struggle, but I need for one second to be considered during this that maybe I am tired, or not checking my phone/computer because it is oppressively hot and we don't have AC here, so I am suffering through lack of sleep, back pain and heat fatigue most of the day. I cannot.. I can't physically reply to everything so quickly please just have patience. When I am labled as mean or cold or unapprochable and unresponsive. I just want to delete my discord and never look at it again sometimes.

I want to talk to people, I love it when people come to me to ramble about silly little things like the show they're enjoying, thier blorbos, oc lore, etc. But if I can't/don't reply quickly it's not any indication that I don't care, I am just so drained. I'm tired, I'm sorry.

.

Honestly I wouldn't have as much of a problem with a lot of three houses and fodlan discourse/analysis if so much of what got said was... interesting and not just pointing out the patently obvious.

"through thorough analysis i have determined that a] is in fact... a]!"

and? what are you going to do with the information which is pretty readily obvious from playing the game, and was often directly stated by the developers themselves? what does this information mean when applied in an analysis of the text itself?

like, im sorry if im sounding snobbish at the moment, and i'll freely put my hand up to the fact that sometimes people just miss or dont process information thrown right in their face.

but i just find it very tiring that the a major common alternative to people just making shit up about three houses to fluff their egos, is people pointing out the blatantly obvious about three houses and then presenting it as some deep conclusion.

TW/////// @sssult

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walking bac to my dorms smoking a cigarette in the rain and remember how after he raped me he told me I have sad eyes

i have sad eyes i looked like a sad person. is that how every man sees me . a sad object that they can force them selfs on. that they can use even when im yelling out that it hurts.

he even has the nerve to text me the next morning that he didn’t want to take advantage of me but i was basically asking for it. i was asking for it :)))))))))

i can’t even cry anymore , it was my fault i dont care what anybody says i put myself in that position. i walked into his car i said i said i would go into the back. theirs nobody to blame but myself.

i want him to suffer. a 200+ pound man against a drunk 90 pound teenager. life just doesn’t get better then that i guess.

nobody knows. i hope he fucking dies

prism rant

Part of me wants to make Elysium into a traditional novel with original characters someday

but I'm scared to say it out loud

Maybe it's a stupid idea

Maybe it isn't that good and everyone is just being nice

I'm scared to venture outside fanfiction

I'm so fucking scared no one will read anything unless I keep it fandom related

And I need the dopamine and pos feedback to keep going

So if I don't get that with traditional fic I think I'll probably give up

Soooo my internets downn AND my mobile data is down in the area.

It's been down all day, apparently they said it would be up 4 hours ago. But no.

It's been down for like 8 hours.

I've had many sprained ankles but this time i tore right through a ligament. Tried walking the length of my street and back on it yesterday around 4 weeks in, and it didn't hurt. But later I could only hobble, and today it's still inflamed. Obviously walking anywhere but inside on totally flat surfaces is out for longer than i realised.

I was walking/running before to manage the nerve issues that cripple my hands if I let them flare up. I've found exercise keeps it under control, so i now exercise regularly. It's a pretty big incentive. Because of the ankle, I'm now trying upper body weights and bodyweight exercise, plus stationary cycling (I have a very nice indoor bike). So far this is working and I guess I'll have a stronger core, back, chest, and arms when the ankle has healed up. But I miss the variety of getting outside.

Ugh i want to be able to do things. Go places. Looked up whether a local gallery has wheelchairs this morning in case. (Going there in four more weeks for a thing.) They do, so that's good, tho I hope I don't need one then.

My mom just left for Kurdistan today and I have many feels. The last time she was there, though, this one little girl in the camp took a multivitamin and she walked for the first time in her life! Like that little girl is able to go to school and get an education now. So i think happy reminders like that will help me deal with the anxiety. (I almost lost my mom to COVID after a similar trip to Nigeria, and I get anxious about all of her trips now.)

After I finished getting my music diploma, I had no idea what I wanted to do. Plans to start a cover band didn’t work out, I wasn’t any good at teaching, I couldn’t really find any way to put what I’d learnt to use. I met a lot of cool people and had a great time while studying, but it dawned on me that I’d spent the last 4 years studying something just because I enjoyed it, without actually thinking about what I would do with it afterwards. Making a living with music isn’t easy it turns out. I felt like I wasted all that time and got really depressed. I isolated myself from my friends, losing pretty much all of them, and overtime all that skill and theory I had learnt just went away because I didn’t want to do it anymore.

Was around this time I started looking for just about any kind of work I could find. I got a lot of interviews but most places turned me down. I got an internship which led nowhere, and a couple other jobs like working as a barista, and I couldn’t have been more miserable with where I was at. I had no qualifications and found that those kinds of jobs made me miserable.

I think I made the right choice this time with programming. It’s not something I’m particularly passionate about, but its reasonably well-paying, in high demand and something I could see myself doing without it making me want to off myself. Hopefully time will tell that this was the right move. 

sorry i cant hang out i forgot how to mimic human like behaviour

Oh boy it's personal venting o'clock. TL:DR I need people to stop being petty with me and use thier words instead of crawling into thier bubble and making me out to be the bad guy instead of just accepting some of the fault.

I really, REALLY hate having this mindset because I think its very petty, but I am in a situation right now that is boiling to the point of "It's either me or them, because I can't take this anymore" Like, genuinely I am so damn tired of people choosing spite over just getting the fuck over it. I do not have the energy to keep pace with people sometimes and constantly being forced to agaisnt my wishes is really hurtful. But of course, it's not my feelings that matter. I can communicate that I am uncomfortable until I'm out of breath but GOD FORBID I get tired of no one acknowledging that and backing the fuck off when I say "Please, I am tired so I'm not going to be very vocal/energetic right now." and when people double down and I am forced to snap to get my point across I'M the one who's out of line. I'm the one that gets ostracized and bitched about behind my back. I'm suddenly the problem for having boundries that time and again people refuse to respect. Go tell your friends I'm mean and grouchy and I yelled at you because you pushed me and pushed me and pushed me. Go ahead. If it makes you feel better to villainize me because its very clear you're too fucking stupid and selfish to realise some of the fault might rest on your shoulders too.

Ya know when people told me "when you're finally safe enough that you can leave survival mode and start to let go of and process your c-ptsd/trauma things are probably going to get really, really bad before they slowly start to get better" I thought that was reasonable. I did not understand that by "things are going to get bad" they meant "you're going to find yourself in the worst mental state of your entire life, but dw, that means it's working" and tbh I simply wish someone had been more clear.

Edit: If everyone could please take a minute and think about what it must feel like to be struggling and then have multiple strangers say to your face that they find the prospect of going through what you're going through so horrifying that they'd rather kill themselves and then stop leaving comments like that I would greatly appreciate it.

no offense but you guys need to learn the difference between someone implying their experience is universal and a post simply just not being about you