#John Mulaney kid gorgeous | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rumor-weed · 8 months

Text

JOHN MULANEY STARTER PROMPTS

Kid Gorgeous Edition.

“He was a man most acquainted with misery.”

“None of that matters, but it's important to me that you know that.”

“He did not look like his job description.”

“He looked like he should be the conductor on a locomotive powered by confetti.”

“But, instead, he made his living in murder.”

“He was the weirdest goddamn person I ever saw in my entire life.”

“He could look at a child and guess the price of their coffin.”

“Shut up! You're all gonna die. Street Smarts!"”

“You remember the scourge of muggings when you were in second and third grade.”

"Man, I need cash for drugs right now.”

“Okay, you can get these at any haberdashery.”

“Buy a money clip. Engraved, question mark?”

“Hey, Dad. Can I have a silver money clip with a $50 bill in it, please?” (Or sub “dad” for character name, if you’re a coward)

“The man with the mustache told me to do it.”

“Let's say a kidnapper throws you in the back of a trunk.”

“You kids have no upper body strength.”

“Yeah, he was not a "spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down" kind of guy.”

“Brush your teeth. Now, boom, orange juice. That's life.”

“Fight the guy off using weird, psych-out, back-room Chicago violence.”

“I chewed up a tab of Alka-Seltzer I carry with me at all times. This created a foaming-at-the-mouth appearance that made it look like I had rabies.”

“Now I've thrown him off his rhythm.”

“Okay. Your odds of coming back alive from the primary location, about 60%. But if you are taken to a secondary location, your odds of coming back alive are slim to none.”

“I am 35 years old and I am still terrified of secondary locations.”

“Nah, sister. You're not getting me to no secondary location.”

“I thought I was going to be murdered my entire childhood.”

“Top three colleges? I thought I would be dead in a trunk with my hand hanging out of the taillight by now.”

“I just got a letter from my college, which was fun 'cause mail, you know?”

“So then I had to speed to Goodwill really fast.”

“It was charitable, but it was also fast and violent.”

“I was throwing boxes at people. The boxes were so heavy I couldn't even say what was in them.”

“This one's shirts. I got a bunch of shirts! Take 'em away!"

“How do I write that on my taxes?”

“My mom said it could be a sleep shirt. Please deduct this from my 2017 income.”

“So rather than violate these meaningless politeness rules, I'll just go to bed in a smock like goddamn Ebenezer Scrooge.”

“I'll tremble off to bed in my long Victorian nightgown.”

“Was there ever even a ghost, Mother, or was the dead Victorian girl you saw just me all along?”

“And that's why you shouldn't give to charity.”

“I found out recently that jokes don't do well in court.”

"Hey, that lawsuit with my neighbor is still dragging on.”

“Hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? Because it sounds like he sucks and I will totally kill that guy for you.”

“Okay. See you at improv practice.”

“Strange, the passage of time.”

“I'm not that old. I'm 35, that is not old.”

“I never knew about this, but I am now gross.”

#ask memes #John Mulaney #kid gorgeous #RP starters #starter prompts #John Mulaney RP starters #John Mulaney starters #John Mulaney kid gorgeous #alter as needed #if I make another it’ll be the new special #John Mulaney ask memes

249 notes · View notes

fully-functioning-pigeon · 1 year

Text

I’m rewatching the John Mulaney Kid Gorgeous comedy special, and I wonder…

Did he ever get that Best Buy Rewards card?

#to explain the joke #he says as a joke #one day I’m going to leave you and get that best buy rewards card #in reference to his wife and a situation at Best Buy #and now he’s left her #so you see where I’m going #john mulaney #kid gorgeous #John mulaney kid gorgeous #comedy #stand up

1 note · View note

ecoamerica · 1 month

Text

youtube

Watch the American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 now: https://youtu.be/bWiW4Rp8vF0?feature=shared

The American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 broadcast recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by active climate leaders. Watch to find out which finalist received the $50,000 grand prize! Hosted by Vanessa Hauc and featuring Bill McKibben and Katharine Hayhoe!

12K notes · View notes

millimatter · 1 year

Text

One thing about John Mulaney, he’s gonna put a horse in his Netflix Special.

“There’s a horse loose in the hospital!”

“There’s this thing called Equine Therapy.”

#john mulaney #new kid in town #baby j #kid gorgeous #the comeback kid

164 notes · View notes

scottishaccentsareawesome · 1 month

Text

Matt(about their dog):...Oh, what if we got like, a Biblical painting done with Petunia in it? Foggy: Oh, that would be so cute. We should do like "The Last Supper." Matt: Oh my God, that would be SO cute! We should do all different French bulldogs as the different apostles... Foggy: Oh, and we should have Petunia in the middle where Jesus is, in front of the turkey...! Matt:.....Wait, what did you just say?...Did you say "the turkey"? Foggy: Yeah, why? Matt: Would you just answer me one question...do you think that in Da Vinci's "The Last Supper", that Jesus, of Nazareth, is sitting in front of a TURKEY? Foggy:...Yes, I do. Matt: Thank you for your honesty. Just one more follow-up question - so then, what do you think they're celebrating? Foggy: OK, I get it. I don't get this shit cuz I wasn't raised Catholic, and I'm fucking glad I wasn't cuz it's a fucked - up organization - Matt: - Oh no, no, no...we ALL know that!...But what do you think those guys are celebrating? Foggy(looks at the floor, then looks at Matt):...Thanksgiving.

#incorrect quotes #daredevil #netflix daredevil #daredevil born again #matt x foggy #original: john mulaney (Kid Gorgeous special)#matt murdock #mtthew murdock #foggy nelson #marvel #mcu

31 notes · View notes

mikelogan · 1 year

Photo

The past couple years, I’ve done a lot of work on myself. And I’ve realized that I’ll be fine as long as I get constant attention.

63 notes · View notes

fortnitelove22 · 4 days

Text

drew mulaney while watching everybody’s in la last night!

#everybody’s in la #john mulaney #snl #mulaney #fanart #traditional art #artist #new in town #kid gorgeous #baby j #the comeback kid

13 notes · View notes

ecoamerica · 1 month

Text

youtube

Watch the 2024 American Climate Leadership Awards for High School Students now: https://youtu.be/5C-bb9PoRLc

The recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by student climate leaders! Join Aishah-Nyeta Brown & Jerome Foster II and be inspired by student climate leaders as we recognize the High School Student finalists. Watch now to find out which student received the $25,000 grand prize and top recognition!

12K notes · View notes

johnemulaney · 1 year

Text

Favorite John Mulaney

Thought I'd try my hand at a lil poll. Enjoy! New content coming soon when From Scracth gets pksted to Netflix.

#john mulaney #kid gorgeous #new in town #sack lunch bunch #from scratch #The top part #the comeback kid #oh hello #netflix #comedy #broadway

72 notes · View notes

kickmyheadbill · 9 months

Text

it’s his birthday

#john mulaney #john mulaney fanart #snl #saturday night live #new in town #comeback kid #kid gorgeous #baby j #art #fanart

19 notes · View notes

boasamishipper · 1 year

Text

Coyote: Also, I would never say that, not even as a joke, that Hangman is a bitch and I don't like him. That is not true. Hangman is a bitch and I like him so much. He is a dynamite, six-foot, blond bitch and he's the best.

#coyote machado #top gun: maverick #hangman seresin #macheresin #coyote: i'm allowed to make fun of my husband. i asked him and he said yes #john mulaney #kid gorgeous #incorrect top gun quotes

101 notes · View notes

octopusoptimusprime · 1 year

Text

guys … i saw john mulaney live last night

still not entirely over it

i adore him & im so proud of him. from scratch is incredible 🫶

#octo talks #sobs violently i never thought i’d get to do this <3 #john mulaney #from scratch #kid gorgeous #comeback kid #new in town #sack lunch bunch

50 notes · View notes

shrimpchicken29 · 9 months

Text

"Do my friends hate me? Or do I just need to go to sleep?" -John Mulaney

#ftwww #john mulaney #kid gorgeous

8 notes · View notes

mlincorrectquotes · 2 years

Text

Comedian!Adrien

Adrien: I was in America recently doing white people stuff, and one day…well it doesn’t matter why, but I was sitting in a gazebo

Adrien: There was a plaque on the gazebo and it said “this gazebo was built by the town in 1863.” That is in the middle of the American Civil War.

Adrien: And they built. A gazebo.

Adrien: How did that town meeting work? They were like, “Alright everyone, first order of business, we have all the telegrams from Gettysburg with the war deaths, let’s see here, okay, everyone’s husband and brother, and…everyone died. Okay. Josiah, you had something?“

Adrien: "Yes I do! How’d you like to be indoors and out-of-doors all at once! Ever walk into the park with your betrothed and it starts to rain but you still wanna hold hands? Well then, may I introduce you to–and my condolences again to everyone–the gazebo!!!”

Adrien: Building a gazebo during the American Civil War would be like doing stand-up comedy now.

(submitted by anonymous)

#Okay yeah I am SO onboard with this AU #Adrien Agreste #Miraculous #Miraculous Ladybug #ML #Anon #Source: John Mulaney #Source: Kid Gorgeous #submission

146 notes · View notes

ciitedexcerpt · 4 months

Text

God can't hear you.

#quote #source : john mulaney #john mulaney #kid gorgeous at radio city

3 notes · View notes

scottishaccentsareawesome · 1 month

Text

Slider: My dad never hit us. He was a lawyer, and a Debate Team champ...so he would pick us apart psychologically.