So I very rarely get super personal on this blog just for the sake of it, but given there was already a much…darker version of this post sitting in drafts until just a short while ago, and maybe someone here might need to hear an uplifting real-life story tonight, I figured I’d go ahead and draft up and post this anyway.

See, I’m sure all of y’all here have noticed my relative lack of activity with any large project over the past five months, but what y’all don’t know is that this has largely been due to some pretty serious health issues — not the least of all being that…over the past…three-ish months of those five, I have had to stare down the very real possibility that I might have a pretty serious form of Leukemia. I was bounced from doctor to doctor about this, test after test, and not much of it looked good, if I’m being perfectly honest.

During all of that time up to today, I had been sitting around contemplating much of my existence, and how, at last, when the most difficult news of all came, I would break that news to everyone — what I would do, say, etc. I must’ve run through all the scenarios a million times, drafted up at least ten different letters for different people in my life, even recorded a cover of a song through which I wanted to say goodbye to everyone here, if it came to it (and which still sits in my video gallery currently, as though still waiting to be used).

Needless to say, although they had their moments as life always does, these past months have been overall a living Hell, and it only got progressively worse with every new piece of concerning news, up until today — the day I finally was able to go see the oncologist. (Doctors are often booked out for months around here rn — weeks at best.)

Prior to the visit, I had been informed by my GP that the oncologist would overlook all of my results ahead of time, and call to cancel the visit with me herself if she found/determined there was nothing worth being concerned over.

Well, the cancel call never came, so I think you can understand when I say that I went in full expectation of the worst case scenario; I mean, clearly she had thought it critical enough to keep the appointment, so that kind of spoke volumes for itself even without having seen her.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget the long time spent alone in the doctor’s office, waiting for her to arrive: there was some of the most gorgeous, peaceful instrumental music you could imagine playing softly, and as I was sitting there, forms in hand, staring down the room around me, I was just thinking to myself how that music clearly said exactly what this place was: it’s a place where people go to get basically the worst news of their lives imaginable, and try their best to cope with and struggle against their mortal illnesses. And this music was so pretty and peaceful because the patients needed it.

And here I was. Today I was one of those patients.

I sat there contemplating over my life and realizing that this was going to be the last moment that anything was even somewhat normal again for me. The last moments before life changing news.

I can’t begin to explain how that feels.

…And then the doctor came in and she was immediately telling me, like, more or less, “Oh honey, why are you here? lol We tried to call you to tell you not to come in — you don’t need all this stress for no reason, go on home, there’s nothing to worry about, you’re fine.”

Apparently she had, in fact, made an attempt to contact me because she wanted to spare me the stress of coming after reviewing the results and deciding I was fine, just like my GP said, but the call just hadn’t gone through.

The relief that I have inside of me today knowing that I am okay is beyond anything I could ever put into words. I cried the entire several hour drive home, and even now, as I type this up, I find myself tearing up just a little again in sheer gratitude and amazement and comfort.

Even if things had gone badly, I wouldn’t have had any regrets, but truly nothing makes me happier to know that I will be around for a long, long while here still — with the people and things that I love, with the strangers, with the haters, and everyone else in between.

Please never take life for granted. Live in the present and try to be as grateful for every moment as you possibly can. Life really is beautiful and precious and so, so worth living, so live it to the fullest and always remember that there can be hope.

No matter how bad things seem, there’s always a chance for hope to shine through.

It did for me. It can for you too.

I love you all so much.

So I think I may have cracked the code. Listening to Clara Bow w this context in mind from the 4th, 9th, and 10th 🎃 messages makes the lyrics cut even deeper and explains the purpose of the anthology.

What Taylor is essentially saying is that above all else she is proud of her humanity. “Human. Human. Human.” “Flesh and blood.” Unlike some ppl in Hollywood like greedy big suits (cough SB^2 cough Big Machine cough) she’s managed to keep her humanity intact and didn’t let these negative experiences corrupt her or turn her bitter. She was able to find peace and courage in spite of it. And she’s saying I am abt to come out of the closet and while I am hopeful I’m also a little fearful. But isn’t that an amazing thing? Because being fearful, sad, furious, insecure, hopeful—these experiences are unique to humans! “Your heart beats red and hot and furious in your chest.”

“And most importantly, they will know about the human heart.” THIS is the purpose of the anthology. This is why she released 31 (13 backwards) songs for her fans to dissect and decode. Bc she wants them to understand that she’s not a god. She’s a flawed human just like the rest of us.

I think there’s a very good chance that THIS is what her movie is going to be about. Her journey out of the closet and all the hardship that came along w it and helping other ppl to understand the human heart. And I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a memoir that was released w it—“the professor said to write what you know.” And it makes sense too why the manuscript lyrics match perfectly w the all too well short film. Bc they’re talking abt the exact same thing!! She has a relationship w a much older man, experiences heartbreak, heals, and then writes abt it in a book—the story of us AKA the manuscript.

And this is why 🎃 kept referencing the story of us. I couldn't make sense of it a few months ago but now in hindsight it all makes perfect sense. Message in a bottle was probably a red tv vault track for this reason too. Bc the message in a bottle is the manuscript. The puzzle pieces really do all fall right into place.

I’m not like other 22 year olds…I’m 29

Blue Night 231119

It’s the final episode of Blue Night before it goes off air. The hosts Okdal, who were weekly guests during Jonghyun’s stint as the host, played SHINee’s “Ode to You” going into the third part of the show.

Okdal: “We’re beginning the third part of the show by listening to SHINee’s ‘Ode to You.’ Listening [to this song] makes me think of our beloved SHINee… our beloved Jjong-D. Especially today.”

Cr. geeknim via professorjjong (kor➡️jpn➡️eng)

❤️🥀A Strange Story of Life, Death, and Love🌹🖤

alt version here

hello what are ur thoughts on the new hbomberguy video

OKOK SO I watched it from the hours of midnight to 4am, so I was kinda incoherent when posting that BUT I still do have thoughts.

Mainly I want to pummel James Somerton into the ground for multiple reasons, most of which H put more succinctly than I ever could.

It’s just so fucking disheartening to see someone like James Somerton be so successful off the hard work of people who have dedicated their lives to the stuff he’s ripping off of when those original authors are barely getting paid. It’s very hard to be an academic and watch this video because I know that if I were to write something academic about the queerness in media and publish it, which I plan to do out of college, there’s a very real possibility of James or someone like him finding the work, yoinking it and not giving me the credit, when I won’t get a fucking cent from the publication or him.

I hate that he’s getting away with it too, basically pulling the “I’m gay so I can’t be bad” card. That’s a fucking step BACK from the equal rights that LGBTQ people have been fighting for. By pulling this excuse, he separates the “gays” from the “straights”, putting each group under one black and white label- the straights are evil people who just want to put us gays down. That is a nasty idea right there. Follow that train far enough and you find yourself spouting homophobic rhetoric. Equal rights and seeing the LGBTQ community as equal to others means seeing them as human at ALL angles, the good and the bad. Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you can’t fuck up. Hell, I’m gay, and I’ve fucked up more times than I can count! It just makes me human, and it doesn’t make me less gay. James Somerton is touting himself as The Gay Person Who Knows Everything, which is blatantly untrue, discredits every queer person he’s ripped off of, and separates himself from the other LGBTQ people who make content as “better”- there���s that seed of homophobia again.

AND HE KEEPS DOING THIS! He’s biphobic and misogynistic! He routinely attacks “straight white women”—who could very well be bisexual, but because they’re women they MUST be straight according to Somerton logic—and discredits the work of bisexual authors (mainly bisexual women) who talk about the struggles of the LGBTQ community because “they like the opposite sex so they wouldn’t get it”. He dips himself into transphobia in order to give his biphobia and misogyny some weight, misgendering ND Stevenson (who has been on record about his struggle with coming out and gender identity) and Rebecca Sugar (who has done the same) on multiple occasions. And it’s really fucking disgusting. It really fucking is. When he copies off of work that mentions the words “trans” or “transgender”, he covers those words with generalizations, which takes the transgender community out of the queer experience. So on TOP of being misogynistic and biphobic, he’s ramming headfirst into transphobia too. Which holy fucking shit.

I just. H said not to send hate to James or his team or anyone else talked about in the video on his behalf. I agree and I don’t want to do that. But I sure hope this video is enough to make James Somerton stop being the utter fucking academic supervillain he is. He thinks he can get away with it because YouTube doesn’t count as academia, but there is so much goddamn evidence against him at this point he can’t possibly get off Scot free anymore. I hope YouTube staff sees that video and takes his channel down. I hope Nick, his co-writer that he threw under the bus, gets compensated and a better job. I hope every author and filmmaker Somerton ripped off makes enough money from the video to pay for rent. This can’t keep happening. It just can’t.

Fruits

okay, i dont want you to take this ask as like “you should write this!!!!” bc i know A Room Full of Coral is already a very complicated series & you’re juggling a lot of moving parts, however…

that anon about Alf having to temper Thomas’ hovering Alpha energy the same way he did Clark’s in this last ASOH chapter has me thinking about a side/else worlds fic from Alfreds POV of before Bruce was born. Especially the parallels between Bruce and Martha as carriers.

Like idk, i’ve just been thinking a lot about the mix of pride, happiness and just gut wrenching grief this whole ordeal with Bruce (and Jason) would have Alfred feeling, and the way that he’s handling it so that he can continue to be the supportive Beta the rest of the pack needs him to be.

I love this series so much, you put so much thought into how you characterize everyone, and they’re so fleshed out.

i really admire all the work you’ve put into it so far.

Oh anon 🥺 the way I just want to write this immediately. You’re so right — Alfred’s actions come from a mix of experience and instinct. And that experience where he saw Thomas and Martha through their heats and ruts and pregnancy — it must color everything. Bittersweet and fond.

No one ever really asks Alfred why he knows this much about being a pack beta. They assume it must come from him being competent and in touch with his instincts, which isn’t incorrect. But it also comes from a lost world where he was with Thomas and Martha…

It always makes me sad whenever stories with hopeful messages or lighthearted moments are sometimes dismissed as unintelligent or weaker than tragedies. Isn't joy and hope what makes a dark journey worthwhile? Not every story needs an unhappy ending to serve as a lesson.

I will forever be a fan of stories that say hey, maybe the world is a rough place, and it will always be this way, but you can make a difference with the people who matter to you. Even if no one else will know, even if no one else will remember, the ones you loved, and who loved you in return, will remember. People who are holding onto you, even at the end of everything else. People who remind you that new beginnings are born from the ashes.

My favorite stories will always end with love, hope, and the sun rising on the horizon after hell and high waters. The world can be so cruel, but we can choose not to be as individuals. Joy is as human as anger and sorrow. Joy is what we reach for when we are at our lowest, whether we realize it or not. We want what was lost back. I love stories where the characters reach the light at the end of the tunnel, emerge on the other side, and are allowed to heal. Even if they’ve done bad things, even if they aren’t perfect, isn’t that true of all of us?

💌 i’m very pleased to be able to say chapter 4 of four walls will be posted this weekend! 💌

oh survivor!fawn we are really in it now

fucking hate having epilepsy

@koiblossoms hi yes hello, you ordered angst? ✨

you are either a girl who is miserable and sad on her birthday or a girl who loves her birthday and there is no in beetween and neither group will ever understand the other

honestly i feel a little guilty about saying it but when i see someone word something that makes COMPLETE sense to me, and the comments are all saying it’s a shit take, how this was worded awfully and makes the point wrong, or the “is it acoustic / is it restarted” comments i feel like one of those horror games protags walking past a corpse with a helpful flashlight still in its hands that im gonna take for my journey. like thanks for the warning and the tools i need in the future 😭😭

i’m trying not to beat myself up for not having postgrad plans 😭 yes i am moving at my own pace unfortunately i don’t LIKE my pace,