Rasmus and Sarah are not good together

axelle judges non bl shows > My Dear Loser: Monster Romance

/!\ SPOILERS AHEAD

shitty summary: Pong has a motorcycle gang and does nothing but make racing bets and loiter around. One night, he has an accident with Namkhing, a beautiful rich coffee shop owner, and while sparks fly from that moment on, he has to find a way to pay for her car repair.

where to watch: youtube

grade: 8/10

pros:

- I really liked the characters. pong was kinda the “perfect” male lead but I do think there’s a sincerity that emanated from him that made me still like it despite that. gonna be honest all of the other roles lee had were kinda boring to me but this is the first one where I finally saw the appeal. namkhing was a great balance of again, the “perfect” female lead, but sassy & strong in the ways I like. jued was definitely the mvp of the series, and while he did play into sort of a “victim” role, it still 100% worked bc sing was just so cute. on was also great, and even though she was really annoying she also had great emotional moments where she definitely shined.

- the acting was great. everyone did a great job, but lee surprised me the most bc as I said he fit the role really well & made pong a lot more interesting. his crying scenes were really good. namtan was also amazing in the emotional scenes, which is not surprising bc that’s definitely her strong suit.

- the chemistry was great, as expected from the romcom queen mook herself haha!

- I love stories that tackle money issues & disparity, and I feel like thai dramas almost always do them justice. here watching pong get more & more in debt as he tries to get out of them felt quite realistic & the difference with namkhing who’s way less considerate of money was great. for once the obstacle to the straight love story felt real bc realistically pong is not the guy a rich woman like namkhing would go for, and I’m glad they tackled it & it was a central point of the story.

- this is gonna seem a bit dumb but in our society full of toxic masculinity, it was amazing to see the male lead break down & cry in front of the female lead. that moment caught me off guard bc it so rarely happens in thai dramas & here it happened a couple of times. it just made pong more relatable of a character, the relationship more equal, & acting-wise those scenes were beautiful as well.

- I also appreciated that it was clear they liked each other from the start. one thing that can be annoying in straight romances (not always though) is how far the main leads go to pretend like they’re not attracted to each other by having the most random & unrealistic obstacles thrown in between them. when in reality, we all know by the media we’ve consumed since birth that man + woman in basically any media = romance & that realistically a straight couple getting together is quite easy most of the time. so sometimes the length series go through to make it seem like the straight story is a “forbidden love story” is kinda ridiculous. here even though pong & namkhing DO have reasons not to pursue a relationship, they don’t go through huge hoops to get together & they fight hard to stay together even through their differences. it just felt 1) more realistic & 2) made the ship way stronger imo.

- ngl that plot twist in ep 2 had me SHOOK. I genuinely didn’t see it coming & it was one of the most well-executed & acted plot twist I’ve seen in a while.

cons:

- for me it was slightly too long. I think the series would’ve been stronger at only 8 episodes, by removing a few scenes & condensing the story.

- I disliked namkhing having to go study abroad in exchange for her dad paying pong’s debt off. idk what it is with romcoms & characters HAVING to spend time apart, but here it made no sense to the story & characters and truly added nothing. I actually appreciate the characters being apart if it means that they’re gonna grow in ways they couldn’t have if they were together. but here, pong’s growth could’ve literally happened with namkhing by his side since it had literally started bc of namkhing. and namkhing just came back home with a new taste for fushia clothing & lipstick lmao, nothing changed for her. it also completely contradicts her dad’s character growth from an overbearing dad who wants to decide everything for his daughter to him letting namkhing be her own person by making him go back to his original mindset. that was just for the plot, and it was frankly unnecessary. if that whole storyline had been cut, it would have allowed the show to be shorter like I said in the previous point, and in my opinion, much stronger.

- going off of that, it was clear that a lot of the choices made by the characters were only to fit the plot, and not the logical choices someone would actually take, which is always a little annoying.

- like most of the time, the wlw character is the only one who ends up alone...

would I rewatch it: not before a little while at least

This was actually a good surprise, I liked it a lot more than I thought I would. This is definitely one of the best gmmtv straight romances for me, and I would definitely recommend it :)

Bugsnax Game Review 😳

I’m in the process of making more fanart (not just of this game.. You miss my Spyros?? hehe), why not a brief and straightforward review of ‘Game of the Year?’

SPOILERS AHEAD.

For starters, I heard of this game back in December when I saw Vinesauce stream it.. And from the Kero Kero Bonito song going viral for about a week. I took a glimpse at the trailer and was NOT impressed. IDK, the game looked pretty stupid in all honesty, with poor graphics.

I wanted to give it a try though, so I tossed 25 bucks at my Epic Games account. I mainly bought it for the ‘meme material’ and I thought the characters were ugly-cute.

Took me a week to complete everything, to get all the muppet creatures’ tasks done so I would get a good ending, and I did. I was shocked by how good the voice acting was - it sounded like everyone had so much fun voicing the Grumpuses. I was expecting ear-grating, loud voices since the game looked so ‘kiddish’ but I was very, very wrong.

Speaking of the graphics, I’m gonna be honest, but I will cut Young Horses some slack - the graphics were... Okay? The character models looked a bit ‘dead’ and clumpy, but good thing we have the wonderfully artistic fanbase for some better recreations. Then again, Young Horses is very small, and has not created many games, so obviously, lower budget and less experienced. Hopefully in the future, if they plan to make more games, their graphics will improve. Not saying the models were terrible, though. They were cute! Each character had their own distinctive quirks and complimentary, simple palettes to distinguish themselves from one-another easily. My personal favorite designs are Lizbert, Filbo, Cromdo, and Gramble.

The soundtrack is amazing. Kinda nostalgic sounding, it has that mid-2000s synth vibe going on that I’m all for. Almost vaporwavy?

There were a few glitches and lags here and there, but I expected that from a game like this.

I enjoyed the character arcs and relationships, I found most of the characters quite likable and even relatable at times. However, I do wish we delved into their whole personas and intentions further, I felt some details were very minimal or lacking. I as well feel as though a few of the character interactions were a tad forced or awkward.

I was surprised to see the LGBTQ+ representation in this game did better than most others. You could tell that Floofty was written by a NB person, and they portrayed them excellently. Snorpy and Chandlo were just... Gosh. I love them. I was squealing during that awkward party scene between them! And Triffany and Wambus were such a great hetero portrayal, as well. I do wish we saw more of Liz and Egg, though. I found myself snickering at most of the game’s negative reviews - majority of them were angry of the ‘forced LGBTQ+ representation’ and ‘how little kids should not be shown this awful stuff’. Lol, shut up. It’s normal. But I will not lie, seeing Liz and Egg so quickly kiss during the launch trailer took me aback. Not in a bad way, but that’s how LGBTQ+ representation should be in the media - not constantly hinted and implied, but THERE. It’s okay to be gay!

Despite being geared towards a younger audience, Bugsnax does a well job of bringing in and discussing about heavier topics, such as addiction, romance, toxic relationships, depression, and hopelessness. I believe this is a good introduction to these sorts of topics for kids.

The Bugsnax themselves were just adorable and fun to catch (even though it sometimes got annoying/tedious ngl). I liked how they repeated their names like Pokémon and how they had a Chicago-themed Bugsnak (Shy Weenieworm). Yay for my city’s representation! Also it hates ketchup.. Love you Young Horses.

Also the softcore body horror, Jesus. It’s a weird concept but you start to dig it. Definitely unique and ‘ominously-cutesy’ compared to traditional ‘blood and guts’ body horror.

The ending was bittersweet at best, depending on which one you got. The bad ending is definitely something dark and depressing; the Grumpuses losing all hope and turning to love and worship the only thing that ends up killing them, which are the Bugsnax. Metaphor for addiction, much? It gets worse the more you delve into it, honestly.

I can see why some people don’t enjoy this game, and that’s okay - it’s NOT for everyone. Bugsnax is certainly a ‘you love it or you hate it’ type of game without an in-between. Do I think it deserved to be a PS5 launch title? Yeah, why not. We had Knack for PS4 but that game was honestly boring. I feel as though if you ‘skimmed’ Bugsnax and didn’t spend time to dig into the lore and character arcs well enough, or didn’t waste your time over-analyzing it (oops), you would give it a ‘meh’ rating, because it does seem kinda banal and generic at first glance and playthrough. But for such a small and lesser-experienced company, Bugsnax is a good game, and Young Horses did a fantastic job. I would highly recommend this game to neurodivergent people like myself, people who want to play a simple yet cute game, or people who simply like the colorful/quirky aesthetic.

Do I wish for a sequel of some sort? Yeah, why not. Although, what would it be about? It feels as though this game alone told the whole story.

Shiiiiit, this took longer than I anticipated. Anyways, I would love to know your thoughts!

As a writer or even just a consumer of media do you find people are less willing to accept “flaws” in characters and stories? I’m not talking like this character is a murderer he’s evil no one should like him type stuff, though as someone who started off writing dramione I’m sure you’ve seen your fair share of that but just like when characters are ever short of perfect. Like when a strong female character is kinda insecure or a couple isn’t communicating well or has a heated fight everyone gets mad that it’s a toxic relationship or bad writing. I once read a review of a book where someone stopped reading it after two chapters cause it had bad therapy practices, ie. the character still had shit to work through and therapy isn’t magic therefore they weren’t always doing the healing right and it’s like? that’s the whole point!! it’s an arc the character is gonna grow! It’s also made clear early on that the therapist didn’t agree with the coping methods (overly controlling their life) so it wasn’t like they were trying to portray it as a good thing. I know you’ve mentioned people have ✨opinions✨ about your DFS Hermione for having flaws and staying flawed and her flaw is just that she kinda thinks she’s right a lot and maybe isn’t the most self aware nothing even serious lol. I’m not saying don’t be critical of media but it’s kinda overwhelming reading think piece after think piece about why this thing you enjoy is actually the literal worst™️. Like am I toxic for having some of the same flaws ? Am I a problematic creep for enjoy stories where everything isn’t always sunshine, I don’t want to have a train wreck of a relationship but sometimes reading about one can be kinda fun? Is that terrible?

there’s a lot here that I’d like to discuss and I’m thinking about how I’d like to do it (I’ll inevitably chat about it in a video because it’s interesting and complex but I think I may have too many topics for this monday)

let’s see I think I will start by saying: in general, critical discourse about media (books, tv, film, fanfic) is a good thing, but it has definitely gone awry from what I consider to be its origins. I think the whole point of viewing media critically and making observations about what we are portraying via fiction is crucial for amplifying/protecting marginalized stories and reducing harm—specifically, the harm that minorities and women face by being inundated with bigoted, prejudiced, hateful, or ignorant tropes, caricatures, or relationship dynamics. I definitely believe that we should consider what we consume and how we consume it, particularly when it comes to the marginalized voices who do not see themselves represented well or fairly in white male dominated media

that being said, I do think it has led to the expectation that fiction cannot have ANY problems, which is absurd and counterproductive. it’s also extremely reductive, particularly when it comes the Strong Female Character™ thing you mention, where a woman STILL only has value if she’s strong in the “correct” way. I mentioned in one of my other posts and also last week’s video that there’s some kind of disconnect between the VERY GOOD intentions of things like #ownvoices or the movement to empower female characters and the actual outcomes, which make it so that any flaws in a marginalized fictional character are magnified to represent the entire group. the very reasonable request to see ourselves in fiction has somehow become an exponentially convoluted demand to see ourselves a certain way in fiction, where any character who does not reflect our personal experience is bad and wrong. previously, the expectation was that white male stories were universal whereas everything else was only for that specific group, and now, ironically, everything that is created still has to fit that universal quality and please everyone, despite that not being the point. the problem is when you only have ONE movie about this topic or ONE book about this ethnicity, then of course it hasn’t done enough to exemplify an entire subject or culture. there has to be an entire body of work the way there is with white-dominated media, where no single film or book accurately represents the experience of being white

plus we have twitter which is a horrifying hellscape where you get rewarded by the algorithm for making loud, obnoxious points so add that to the list (yesterday I saw that one of the top 3 reviews on Beloved by toni morrison is a 1-star review written by a white man and I was just flabbergasted by the lack of self-awareness) 

but anyway that’s like, more of a macro look at what I think is going on but you’re right that people are not very forgiving of flawed characters. to some extent, I get it; the one thing we don’t want our characters to do is annoy us, and that’s fair. but I also think people have lost the sense that “oh, this thing isn’t for me” and thus can’t successfully identify the difference between critical failure and personal dislike

now. as for Divination for Skeptics. let me start by saying it’s not like I don’t understand why people find hermione in Divination for Skeptics annoying, because I get it. if you’re taking the story very seriously then sure, maybe you want her to change her behavior and it’s frustrating that she doesn’t. fair enough! to that I say it’s a comedy and if you don’t find it funny you’re perfectly welcome to dislike it, it’s not a big deal to me if I don’t make you laugh. however, I DO take issue with people who claim she’s too flawed or doesn’t grow, because they almost always do it in a very specific way: they say that she doesn’t show enough empathy, aka how dare she not read draco’s mind and simply alter her personality and behavior to suit his. it genuinely infuriates me that in my opinion, people who voice that particular “criticism” have seemingly internalized the belief that women should be emotionally perceptive; that for them, hermione’s “flaw” is that she does not take on the emotional labor that draco refuses to perform. (her actual flaw is that her survival technique/coping mechanism is a hyper-rationality that incorrectly assumes she has perfect information; i.e., that everything she knows is accurate, and therefore all of her decisions must be sound.) whereas draco knows this about her—knows and acknowledges it—and yet cannot bring himself to voice his feelings out of a fear-based desire to hedge his own emotional risk. who, then, is more flawed in the context of the story? 

I don’t really have a conclusion yet so I’m going to pause for now and we’ll revisit this; I think mainly it’s that the more media diversifies, the more people will struggle with the preconceptions they have and the presumption that everything they consume is for them, and therefore that they are the metric for whether something is “good.” I think good art, good media, will reflect the world as it exists, but it will still only be the world according to one tiny fraction, a sliver of the actual human experience. does bad representation mean bad art? when it harms people yes. but when it speaks to a deeper truth (the truth of “we are all given to vice and imperfection even if it is not this specific version”), no. but that requires quite a degree of sophistication and self-awareness to identify, hence the discomfort of continuous vitriol or bad takes

•ALLEGRA BIANCHI•

IG info/bio: @/theeallegrabianchi | 303k followers| Entrepreneur | bad bitches go to therapy thxz 🦭👄

(24) 26 years old

From Swansea, Wales

Ofc she knows who Catherine Zeta-Jones is...her mother literally resembles her and remembers people coming up to her mom countless times asking for a pic growing up, and Allegra hated taking pics for these imbeciles...mainly because the attention wasn’t on her

has a dysfunctional family...

her mother is critical of almost everything she does but at least she paying attention?

and feels her father is neglectful and only seems to be heard when she’s in his face

all they know how to do is scream at each other instead of talking calmly to one another

her mother is of Venezuelan heritage

And Her father is of Italian heritage

her father’s side of the family resides in calabria italy

he named her after his high school gf that passed away due to his irresponsible drunk driving on their senior prom night

Her parents do not have the healthiest of relationships due to her father constantly cheating on her mother in the past...leading to verbal and physical fights

also has a kid or two outside of their marriage because of his unfaithfulness and allegra learned to hate them because of the hurt her mother showcased

In the beginning she was only around them because her father enforced it, that she needed to know her family “blood is all you got in the end.” He would always say but that was bs

Would take her, her half sibs, and her full sibs on day trips/weekend trips in his suburban

Has three full older brothers and one full younger sister

Because of this, Allegra did not have a clear view of what love was supposed to be and felt that anger in a relationship is supposed to be somewhat of the norm?

Many times she wished at night in her bed with a pillow over her head that her parents would just file for a divorce already when their fights would get bad to the point things would get broken and her mother would h*t her father (once with a metal bat) and throw him out of the house

Has had the cops called on their household before and cps definitely has/had a file on them

Has been in family therapy before and is currently in therapy mainly for herself because of the trauma & how it’s messed with her spirit as a person

Loves? Cares for her parents from afar but will never understand their relationship and why they’re still together to this day

Can go months without speaking to any of her family members and be completely fine with that

Had her younger sis, Nerina put her PRIVATE shit on blast via internet after love island aired and completely cut her off since she is “a clout chaser and money hungry bitch who can’t take care of own her child cause she opened her legs to a meth head who loves prison” OOP

she only has a decent relationship with one of her brothers who’s two years older than her, Vito. They seem to be the closest out of the sibs and he’s the only one she bothers to speak to from time to time

She’s a “cocktail entrepreneur” so I’m guessing she has her own business where she specializes in her own cocktail drinks? Working in some upscale rooftop/penthouse bar where she successfully makes profits from her signature drinks or has a brand that focuses mainly on cocktails

It took years for her business to take off and hasn’t been easy, not one bit. At times it felt like everyone wanted to see her fail and she has openly spoken about her struggles as not only a entrepreneur but as a woman in this business where no one wanted to take a chance on her

That just lit the fire that’s already inside of her

Aries sun + Leo moon + Scorpio rising? (Personality vs how you react to things emotionally vs you’re outside shell for those who don’t follow this too much. I’m not too in depth about it but I do find it interesting!)

Or should she be reversed as a Leo sun with a Aries moon? Aries are direct, fiery, one step ahead of others, impulsive, and know how to take charge. Leo’s are dramatic, loves attention, passionate, loyal, warm, and have a need to express their passions, and scorpios are intense, secretive, mysterious, and work strategically

anyways, I feel like she’s definitely improved as a person over the span of two years? Or at least I hope she has cause everyone goes thru changes

And she was frustrating in s1 so I just know she had some deeper issues going on so I really think therapy is helping her ass I wish it would help me lmao

Being cheated on honestly made her feel like her mother, weak in her mind she was with this dude for awhile—3 years and he just up and thought it was okay to cheat on her? With his personal trainer?! Yet he didn’t gain any muscle mass?! The ultimate disrespect!!! but one thing she knew? She wasn’t going to stick around like her mom did

But she was bitter about it foresure. She ultimately wanted to corner the girl for messing with HER man but part of her knew she wasn’t the only one to blame. However that didn’t stop her for cussing her out via voicemail a couple of times while intoxicated

Allegra always strived for love cause she’s never really seen it before or felt it

Sure she’s had many boyfriends before?And their names didn’t matter not only because she didn’t remember them? But she never felt the spark with them in the first place?

Maybe she wasn’t meant for love so she kinda put on this bitchy front and always been that way with some shitty friends she had around her until she recently cut them off a year ago

has gotten herself into trouble as a kid: trespassing, and destroying public property, smoking in the girls bathroom, physical altercations, cutting class, being assigned community service, etc... all with these friends she’s had for years!

Before she met her problematic friends in secondary, when she was in her pre-teen stage she was involved in the handbell team and in the Color guard but hates to admit it even tho her parents have pics all over the flat

went away to uni for a semester and wanted to join a sorority but the hazing was extreme to the point she was sent to the hospital then accepted? Which led to more trauma in her life so she dropped out

A few years later she decided on online courses and moved out of her parents flat as soon as she could with the $ she saved up and did not leave in the house since it was not safe to smh

Therapy was really helping sis, she felt a lot better and was working on her deep rooted issues mainly the anger and hurt and never really realized how it revolves around her life. She was super thankful for her therapist and reshaping herself

Many didn’t buy it but she knew she couldn’t give that much of a fuck? She couldn’t. In order to grow you got to learn that you have to involve for yourself and not others

She didn’t like the person she saw watching the show back but when she came back to the reunion a part of her hoped people saw some sort of change in her—even if it’s only been a few months since the show then

Sometimes she’ll slip back into old habits, wanting and doing so by snapping on people and blacking out by getting intoxicated and knowing that healing is a process and valuing yourself is the exact same

has a toy poodle that she loves deeply

doesn’t have many outside friends after cutting off the ones that were toxic

is pro-ab*rtion and had one herself which was aired out by her sister online

has a cozy flat that has a lot of brick exposure inside, a navy sofa which is her favorite piece in her house, and a view to die for!! which erases the fact that her apartment is “cozy” which she uses to replace the fact that it’s much smaller than what she originally wanted. She dreams big ya know!!!

currently has a crush on her art teacher who resembles Adam Rodriguez

but also feels like liking your teacher/instructor is a bit weird? Even tho they’re both grown

yes she is taking art classes now outside of work to find something that’ll bring her peace and these pass months they have until COVID hit where classes had to be cancelled yet she was contacted to continue online but she felt her art was truly shit but he says art is subjective

She feels like there’s a connection there? But at the same time isn’t looking for another relationship until she fully works on herself first! That took awhile for her to accept after she fell into some relations with a few ppl after the show

from there she realized that she might like girls too? And got a little annoyed that it took her this long to figure out especially with the way she felt around MC and cherry

doesn’t like to admit this but her fav holiday is Christmas? Even tho the theme is majorly corny to her but it actually makes her happy?

Feels like that was the only time her family showed love towards each other, and even tho they didn’t come from much, they always followed thru with their traditions

and she misses them a little bit around this time and might be the first one to call them even if the calls are short lived and kinda awkward at first

Loves making gingerbread houses and cookies

i feel like she now embraces her forearm hair but still gets everything else lasered

Miss Allegra has inches okay?! But I definitely feel like now in 2020 she’s chopping that shit off into a pixie cut and when she posts on the gram her hair is usually always damp when she shows it off

some comments — jake: lovely! Jen: babe, ur beautiful! Erikah: 😍 Tim: how hot! You’ve got the whole resident evil thing goin for yous

“Did he just call me a virus?”

And she might get a like from mason that’ll make her feel some type of way

We all have to go thru some growth you know so do you girl!

You can’t tell me she doesn’t play stabscotch!

Used to be obsessed with social media way before going on love island but lately doesn’t mind disappearing for months at a time? You have to cleanse yourself from that shit

idk i see her being mostly cool with jen or erikah and will hang out with them from time to time? Maybe they experienced some growth too, shit I sure hope so

still feels something for mason??? But at the same time maybe it was mainly superficial since mason wasn’t fucking with her like that, not 100% but at the same time gets frustrated that he still doesn’t see where she’s coming from and it’s been 2 years???

She loves hard if given the chance and then feels like shit when it doesn’t work out cause it feels like she wasted a fuck load of time

she no longer follows him because she feels like it’s better for her spirit or whatever and she doesn’t need to see him with someone else

the only guy that she really interacts with is Tim, yet tim is cool with everybody!

Otherwise there’s no real connection with her and anybody else? She wants to keep love island separate from herself now because she’s not exactly the same as she was two years ago? And hopes someday people will get that

Probably watches those auction shows on the telly late at night when she can’t sleep, hoping and can afford some of those things one days

I feel like she has chronic migraines too?

Once had a significant other buy her Allegra-D in all seriousness for her birthday because it reminded them of her & thought it would help her headaches 🤨

Loves the snow, but hates cleaning it off her car! S/O to those HOA fees, bless it cause leggy’s deff bussed her ass once before breaking her collarbone and sued like a mf!!!

Since her hours are hardly consistent since she’s mainly her own boss, she’ll have late nights/early mornings when she returns home and has to shift days where she cleans the flat but when she cleans??? It’s best everyone stays tf out of her way

And don’t try to help her cause you’re doing it wrong 10/10 of the time, she loves cleaning and has dropped mad money on those super expensive vacuums

Only knows how to make what’s relative to her culture: arepas, penne alla vodka, and cawl but otherwise than that? She’d rather clean then spend hours in a kitchen cooking unless she’s making cocktails ofc!

also loves shopping for clothes but shoes are her fav things to shop for

Deff has a steamer over a iron for her clothes

Keeps eucalyptus and lavender oil in her purse at all times

posts mainly on her stories and made a deal with her supporters that she’ll go live once a month since she feels like she owes them that? Since she’s not as active anymore but she really doesn’t owe anybody shit but out of the newfound kindness of her heart...she does

Believes she got Covid before they all decided to do a shut down/lockdown of restaurants, bars, etc.. and her suspicions were proven correct after she decided to get tested

her anthem? Kali Uchis — Dead to me (acoustic version)

A Little Insecure ..

Pairing: Erik Killmonger x Reader

Word count: 1.5 k

Summary: You were feeling insecure and Erik comes to cheer you up ...

Warnings: Some angst but fluff at the end.

A/N:This fic was requested for a skinny reader, but I did my best to make it for every female reader cuz we all go through an insecure moment and I myself get that feeling where I just wanna lie under a blanket and starve myself, possibly every single day. I just wanna say that it doesn’t matter in what shape or form anybody is, we are all unique, beautiful and smart in our own way, and we all deserve to love ourselves. If anybody wants to talk about it I’m here. I hope you guys like this one, and if you have any requests feel free to tell me. BTW GIF IS NOT MINE.

You’ve been laying on your living room couch for the past hour and a half, just randomly scrolling through social media to pass time. For the past few weeks, you decided to start working from home because of the pandemic. And you were hell-bent on convincing your boyfriend Erik to do the same, which he ultimately agreed to do.

You both decided to quarantine together since you both live in separate places and you won’t be able to see each other for a while if you're willing to lock yourselves at home.

You loved the idea, and since then, it’s been as perfect as you imagined it to be and maybe even better. Sure Erik can get a little annoying sometimes; when he’s too lazy to do his dishes, or when he keeps clinging to you during a conference call for our job - which you don’t mind - or when he uses all the hot water during his morning and night showers. But you turn a blind eye to all of those irritating habits of his, in turn of spending every evening cuddling or watching a movie or just having his warm body all over yours. Which you were supposed to do right about now hadn’t Erik gotten hungry and left you to cook something you know will probably end up burnt.

You were starting to feel kinda cold without him by our side. You already asked Erik if he needed help, but his stubborn self won’t let you anywhere near the kitchen, YOUR kitchen. But hey, as long as he cleans his mess, you’ll do as he says.

You started scrolling through Instagram in wait for “the most delicious meal you’ve ever eaten” as he said. It was when you reached one of your boyfriend’s posts and saw a comment from one of his ex-girlfriends. It was a normal comment, she wasn’t thirsting over him or commenting anything that would offend him or anything like that.

Erik already told you about her, he explained how he has known her for a long time and how they started dating only for it not to work out and decided to stay friends. You understood, of course. I mean, you’re not the type of a woman who would get jealous of her boyfriend’s friends and you don’t feel insecure about your relationship with Erik. God knows it’s the most secure and trusting relationship you’ve ever been in.

But her profile picture was so interestingly beautiful you couldn’t help but snoop a little on her Instagram account. She was so beautiful, the type of girl with an attractive hourglass figure that you only dream about. Most of her posts are of her in different poses showing off her gorgeous body. You tried your best to keep yourself from feeling down about your own body. You knew you’re not as attractive as she seems to be. She looked like a model whilst you looked like you had the most boring wardrobe ever.

You felt bad for yourself. Toxic thoughts started infiltrating your mind. You began to think about how you can put much more effort into how you look than you already do, you felt ashamed and insecure about your own body (which you should not be).

You were so lost in those unnerving ideas you didn’t notice rik approaching you until you felt a warm hand on your cheek wiping a single tear running down your face. You looked at him before you quickly locked your phone and tossed it away.

“What’s wrong princess?” He asked in the most concerned and comforting voice he could use.

You didn’t answer, you just reached your hand to wipe your eyes and calm yourself down a bit.

“Are you gonna tell me what’s upsetting my baby girl or am I gonna have to find out by myself ?”  He asked again, trying to get you to open up to him like you always do.

“It’s nothing.” You said as you looked at anything but him, an obvious tell of lying you have. Erik can read you like an open book, and you’re thankful for that, but just not at this particular moment.

“Sweetheart just tell me. You know I don’t like seeing you cry, princess.” He said as he lifted your chin up so you would look him in the eyes. Erik looked at you with the most kind and benign eyes he could muster. It’s his way of showing you that he won’t judge, and he never does.

You want to tell him, you really do, but how? How can you tell him that the reason you so childishly started weeping was over his ex-girlfriend’s pictures? You will sound so whiny or even worse, you'll look like an annoying sensitive girl who cries over the smallest and insignificant of things. But Erik is not the kind to back down when his girl feels even the tiniest bit emotional. So he pushed his way even closer to you on the couch and extended his strong arms to engulf you in a soothingly calming hug.

You can’t put into words how grateful you felt at that moment. Just clinging to him with all your might and having his cologne overtake your senses, as you felt a few kisses on your forehead every once and then. You spent the next few minutes like that until you stopped crying and decided it would be better to explain to him the reason behind your sudden feeling of uneasiness. Because, and as much as you hate to admit it, Erik is your voice of reason. If there was anyone who would wholeheartedly cheer you up and help you feel better, it would be Erik, and you love him for that. He has done it many times before, when work stressed you out, or when you just felt left out or anxious about something, he’d be there to comfort you, with a big box of your favorite chocolates. So after a few sniffles, you calmly said: “Why do you love me?”

“What do you mean ?” He furrowed his brows in confusion before he looked your way, still holding you against his chest.

“I’m not like all the girls you’ve been with before-” You started, “-I’m not as attractive as they are, or as beautifully curvy as they look. They are perfect, and trust me I’m not jealous, but if you can get girls as charming and very, very alluring as they are, then why settle for just .. me?”

Erik was beyond shocked. He thought that maybe you were just upset about work, or you’ve been probably watching some sad video on your phone. He wasn’t expecting you to ask him such a question, especially whilst you held him so tight as if he’s your only lifeline.

He did feel speechless at first, he won’t deny it. He kept thinking, from where would he start answering your question? But he knew for sure, the best answer would be the one spoken from the heart, as cliché as it sounds.

He started by pulling you away from him so he can get a good look at you, and if it wasn’t for his gentle touch you would’ve thought he wanted nothing to do with you. He then lifted your chin to get you to look at him again.

Here goes nothing.. He thought to himself before he said:

“Y/N, it’s true, you're not like those other girls, you’re you. And that is more than enough reason for me to fall in love with you and for you to fall in love with yourself. Sweetheart just because you don’t look like them or you don’t have whatever you think makes them more attractive doesn’t mean they are better than you in any way shape or form. And to be honest, I fell in love with how smart and beautiful you are, and your appearance, to me, is more than attractive and you know it.” He chuckled when he saw a small grin tugging or your lips.

“And I love you not only because of that, but also because of the little things you do for me that always make me feel better, because you always take time to be there for me to wipe away my tears whenever I need you to.” Erik stopped to take a deep breath when he saw your eyes tear up again, but this time, those are not tears of sadness, but tears of cheerfulness.

You couldn’t stop looking at him. His voice was so soothing and peaceful and not once did he hesitate when he spoke.

“And to answer your question-” He added, “I didn’t settle just for you; I actually think I hit the jackpot with you. And I live every day trying to become the best version of myself, to be there for you like you’re there for me every time. And trust me when I say I’m never letting go of you, ever.” He finished as he placed another kiss on your forehead.

“I love you.” You said.

“I love you too.” He answered before you pulled him in a soft and delicate kiss. Quick, firm and delicious. He started to pull away after he felt you smile in the kiss, then as carefully as he could, he said: “I burnt the pasta I was making ..”

my relationship with digital art and how BNHA salvaged it

I just wanted to let out my thoughts but I can only do it here :>

This might be a downer for some people but I’d like to share it with people here. BNHA means the world to me and this is why.

I first started drawing when I was 7 years old in 2006

I think it’s ugly now, but 7 year old me remembered being so proud of this because this is a drawing of my stepfather. This is the only drawing I have that was from my childhood. I think the aim here is to draw in anime style BUT I didn’t even watch anime back then. I had a classmate who loves anime and she taught me to draw in school. Drawing became a favorite hobby immediately after that.

Then it was 2013 and I was 14 years old. Drawing is still my favorite thing to do besides being on the computer. I love anime at this point too. My parents bought an iPad for the whole family, but I was almost always the one using it. I discovered an app called ArtStudio and thought “Wow, I can draw without making a mess and with only my fingers” because I was always too lazy to take out my drawing materials and clean up afterwards.

These were my first digital drawings. The pirate one was the very first. I got obsessed real fast. I can color so easily, undo any mistake, layers are a blessing too. There was just so much more freedom. I always sucked at coloring in traditional art and I didn’t like the mess (idk my hands get so messy traditionally)

The next year, it was 2014, I was 15. My birthday is in a couple of months and I knew my parents were planning to buy me something pricey (I think it was a laptop) so I approached them and asked if they could just buy the Wacom Bamboo as a present which was cheaper anyway and I even explained how it works to them and how it would allow me to draw on the computer instead of the iPad. I tried really hard to be convincing. I would have prepared a powerpoint presentation if I had to.

They did give me the wacom as a present. They even gave it to me months before my birthday so I could use it already. I thought I was the luckiest teen in the world with my parents.

These are a collection of my favorite works from 2014 to 2016. The middle one was my second drawing using wacom and Paint Tool SAI. I was a part of a lot of fandoms in those years lol

It gets downhill from there :/

April 2016, my mom and I moved to Japan, while my stepfather and siblings stay in my country. It was tough. For someone who is obsessed with anime, you’d think I’d be thrilled to live in Japan.

I was. Though only at the first few months. It’s not the same as it’s portrayed in anime (I should’ve known but I used to be blinded by anime). It was just lonely. The language barrier sucked and then lots of financial and family issues until my parents split. I got my first boyfriend too and I thought I was blessed by the nicest boy, but the relationship became extremely toxic but I didn’t have it in me to walk away.

All the shit that happened affected me mentally and emotionally. My biggest outlet which was digital drawing, was also out of the question because I did not have a computer/laptop when we moved to Japan. We left it in our home for my stepfather and siblings, even the iPad. I have my wacom with me, but no computer/laptop to use it with. I couldn’t draw.

I tried though. I used my phone to draw, but it wasn’t the same. Then the life problems got piled up, things got worse, and I just lost motivation in anything. Literally anything. From 2016 to 2019, I stopped watching anime, I dropped out of all the fandoms I’m in, I stopped watching my favorite TV series or movies, and I stopped drawing. I even got a bit disconnected with my friends who lived in my country (we talk regularly online). My family was broken so I gave all my attention to my toxic relationship as well which made everything worse too lol

I didn’t draw besides from a few scribbles and the drawings above. I did try digital art on my phone a couple of times again and even posted them on my IG, but they weren’t any good. Eventually, I got mentally and emotionally drained and dropped out of senior high school. I just stayed home for almost a year, leeching off of my mom. I felt even more worthless and my life had no direction at this point. Nothing mattered anymore.

April 2019 or so I think, my (ex)bf bought me a laptop. He says it’s a gift, but I think the real reason was to make up for something horrible that he did (which is stupid because money /gifts won’t resolve anything). I have a laptop. I can draw again, but I didn’t. I didn’t care, I wasn’t interested in drawing anymore anyway.

Welp. June 2019, I went back to my country. My (ex) bf stayed in Japan. The distance helped me end the relationship and my friends were there (they always were) to help put me back together along with two trips to therapy. I went back to finish my senior high school in my own country this time. That said, I have to stay in my country for school (but I was happy because I didn’t wanna go back to Japan yet when the breakup was still fresh and with going back to school, my life has a direction again.)

It was weird. I remember just being sorta lost and confused because I used to put my time, effort and everything into my previous toxic relationship, which was now gone. I was free and I had so much free time that I didn’t know what to do with it. I got so used to doing nothing and being nothing.

This is where BNHA enters.

Dunno when it started, but I started seeing Bakugou frequently online. It’s usually just Bakugou. I knew who he was because my friend suggested BNHA to me back in late 2018 I think but I didn’t watch it since I’ve lost interest in everything at that point in my life.

But ye I thought he hot af but I still didn’t watch BNHA.

But then for some reason he REALLY kept appearing in my social medias and it was really frequent. The last straw was when I saw a pic of him in UA’s gym uniform and thought “damn boi aight imma watch bnha for u” (y’all gotta admit he looks good in those colors with his combat boots XD )

I watched BNHA. Fell in love with Iida along the way. Then I switched to Tokoyami (but Shoji was hot too so aaaaa), but then angry emotionally-constipated sea urchin head caught my heart again. But oof. BakuDeku moments really made me feel some type of way I haven’t felt since I moved to Japan. It felt new but nostalgic. I fell hard in that ship.

I started obsessing. From memes to posts to fanfictions to buying merch to filling my room with BNHA posters. I realized I was reverting to my old self from the time I was still happy and it was thanks to BNHA (and the good people who helped me through the worst too)

Shit I wanted to draw BNHA, I thought.

I mean, I have a laptop, I still have my wacom and drawing softwares. I could totally draw digitally again if I wanted to.

But guess what

I can’t :c

My hand physically cannot draw. My drawings don’t look the way I want them too. 3 years of not drawing really destroyed any skill I had. I was back to square one.

September (yeah they’re ugly, I laughed at it). If you’re wondering why I drew on paper, it’s because, for some reason, I really CANNOT draw digitally. I mean it. I can barely sketch digitally at this point. The lines and shapes just doesn’t come to life. They’re just scribbles. But somehow, I can kinda draw on paper with a ballpoint pen. But yeah, that was the best I could do at this point in my life

After that, I still tried to draw, to regain my old art style, but it didn’t happen... It just doesn’t look or feel the same. Drawing used to be fun. But during this phase, it felt like my ugly drawings were just mocking me (probably was just too emo that time lol)

Weirdly, around a week or two I think, after my half-assed attempts at drawing, I managed to draw digitally somehow o.o

I did a Midoriya and Todoroki drawing like this too. It was my first post here on Tumblr I think. The annoying part here is that I cannot draw digitally unless I draw on paper first, take a pic, and then trace the lineart. I couldn’t draw directly on the computer. Granted, drawing on paper and drawing on digital is very different for me in the first place anyway. But it was still a pain. And it still looked like shit. I can only draw stiff poses :/ it seems like my brain decided to delete all data about anatomy and posture and backgrounds. My lineart here is even messy af. It still really not the same as my old style.

By 2020, I think I got my old art style back. On March, I made this. This took me 27 total of hrs to make.

Right now, I think it’s not bad, but back in March, I was disappointed with the result. This is when I finally broke down crying because it didn’t look good enough and I hated that it took me 27 hrs to draw “bullshit.” I was angry at myself for losing interest in drawing for 3 years when I could’ve used that time to improve. I had to start all over again and it still didn’t look good. (Current me thinks that the drawing above is alright. I was just a lot harsher to myself back then. Used to have a lot of issues but I’m doing great now)

I cried myself to sleep that night. Woke up wanting to cry again. I wallowed in sadness for a couple of days. Eventually told my friends what’s up. Got some pep talk. Even talked to my sister (she’s great, she always hypes me up with my stuff and sometimes I think she’s my biggest fan with how she appreciates my drawings and I’m really grateful for that).

My world turned a 180 and I was weirdly positive after all that crying because brain chemicals and shit. I had a revelation. If I hate how my art style looked so much, then I should have been putting effort in changing my art style, not trying to regain my old art style (that I don’t like anymore)

I researched a lot. I analyzed different art styles and anatomy again. I did everything I could think of to find a style that works for me. I might have even neglected school for a bit to focus on digital art lmao

After all that work, I posted a fanart of middle school BakuDeku in their classroom. I love that fanart so much even if I probably have better ones by now because that was the first fanart I made that I felt like I could be proud of and it was the first one I made in my new art style. It was a milestone for me.

March 2020, I moved back to Japan and without the toxic relationship, I’m a lot positive now. Happy. I’m myself again after the previous bad years. I’m still continuously learning though, trying to improve, but at least, now, I found my own art style :) I really suck at interacting with people online, but I��m always grateful for the support everyone has been giving my fanarts. I’m happy when my content makes people happy.

This is why BNHA is important to me. The series is great alone, but it’s not just that to me. BNHA is so much more. It’s what made me find the passion to create again, only this time, it’s focused on drawing (I used to write, but now I just draw, but maybe I’ll write again for BNHA).

My family is supportive with my love for BNHA, but I think they don’t know the deeper reason why I love it. Sure, I was fine living on with nothing much going on in my life. I’ll finish school, get a job, work until I die or something. It was okay. It was the way of life. But BNHA gave my life color again. I wasn’t just blindly going through life anymore. I have something to look forward to everyday now. BNHA even became a bridge to other things. Ever since then, I’m a lot more open to people, to try new things, to explore and not just live through life and waste away. I got better at leaving my comfort zone. I’ve never been happier in my life :D

Thank you for supporting my fanarts. Thank you so much for giving me a chance to express myself through BNHA. I hope to make more content in the future and improve even more :)

Kinda Yandere mostly manipulative Shigaraki Tomura x Reader

Warning: Reader has mental problems. A bit of a unhealthy relationship. This gets dark at the end yet one charafter ending. Also SPOILERS TO SHIGURAKI ORIGIN IN MANGA

When you talk to strangers online please be careful. I’m not your dad but please be careful because to many people dont realize the danger.

I don’t own anything

You remember sitting in the doctors office. Your family had been worried over you ever since your quirk appeared.

Your brothers and sister could laugh. You could feel their happiness when they did...but you couldn’t feel yours.

You could feel others emotions and understand what they feel. But you didn’t have emotions.

Your family slightly worried someone could manipulate you. Whenever someone slightly felt sad you just wanted to make them happy so you couldn’t feel their pain.

Your doctor looked at your parents and straight out told them.

“Your daughters quirk has caused her to not have emotions. It could be a side effect.”

Your family had been protective of you since. You had your grandpa’s quirk but he didn’t have the side effect you did. As you got older your quirk became stronger. You could feel people’s emotions through pictures and tv.

You weren’t allowed to go to school in your parents fear of you being bullied. Your brothers and sister were the only ones you considered your friends. But as the youngest you saw them slowly grow up. They began to talk and hang with their actual friends. They felt happy around their friends. Why couldn’t you feel anything?

After the last brother moved out you were officially the only child in the house though you were 17 years old. Your parents tried to have you make friends but you could always feel the other kids your age emotions. They felt annoyed. Like they were only forced to be around you...unlike your siblings friends.

Since you didn’t have any friends you mostly just played video games while being homeschooled. Tv wasn’t really your thing since you could feel emotions through tv which sometimes ruined things since actors or actresses would look scared but their emotions were mostly tired, depressed, or bored while you couldn’t feel any emotions through video games since they were just digital worlds.

While you were playing a online video game you were on a team with a guy named ‘Tomu’. He was good...really good. He must have been playing video games for as long as you had played. Now normally you wouldn’t play with others online but rarely you did when you were bored since you could feel how others felt through the game if they were real people.

“You need to be turning left. The bad guy is behind the wall,” ‘Tomu’ spoke into the game. You froze since you didn’t suspect him to speak but mostly because you could feel his anger and restless nights of sleep and constant annoyance of someone but he was mostly relaxed playing the game.

“Oh...how would you know that?” You asked, he scuffed.

“I’ve played this more times then anyone,”

“What are you, like a total gamer? I’ve played more games then anyone.”

“Yeah right. This is probably your first game,” That was the first time you talked to him. Things grew from there as you started to play with him more and more on every online game you had and you could buy. Your parents started to feel worried about you starting to play video games for longer and longer.

As ‘Tomu’ and you spent more times together you learned a tiny bit more since ‘Tomu’ was secretive but he did tell you his name Tomura. You told him a lot more about yourself then he told you about him. He was the only person who made you feel something almost. Closer then anyone else had made you feel.

He made you almost really laugh. When you told him about your quirk and it’s side effect he just said “You don’t have the most useful quirk but it could be useful for like seeing if someone is lying. Now stop being a cry baby and let’s just eliminate this bad buy,” He felt the same though a little irritated. When you told others they would feel sad or guilty for something. You assumed guilty of talking bad about you begind your back before they heard about your quirk.

You could his anger when he heard someone talk about heroes. Some people online would have Endeavor or All might as their names online and he would often just randomly kill them. When you asked him about it he would often just tell you they had been annoying him even if they never even talked before on the game. He would mumble things at times that made you question heroes a bit. It was slow but he definitely started to take an effect on you. He would talk about family in a toxic way. How old say how family could easily turn their backs on you just as easily as friends.

Your parents began to question you about your online friend especially when they heard you and him talking and him mentioning each other age. You were 17 and him only 20. They never trusted social media or online anything really though they wanted to be happy for you but your naiveness blinded you. He never FaceTimed or sent you a picture of what he looked like.

“Honey we need to talk.” Your mother said as you were about to go to your room to play with Tomura. You stopped before seeing your mom patting a seat next to her and your father. You sat down next to your parents. You could feel their nervousness and fear and desperation.

“We love you but we think your getting to close to that boy online. It’s just it’s sodangerous online. He hasn’t even shown you what he looks like. He could be anyone. We are just looking out for the best with you.” Your mom talked with full concern.

“What...What are you saying?” You knew what they were saying.

“Honey, we don’t want you to talk to him anymore,” Your father sat tall showing he is being serious. You could feel your work crumbling. For the first time in your life you felt something...over whelming sadness and anger. You had been talking to Shigaraki for so long. It felt like he was the only one to understand you. Did...you love him? He was th only person you felt something around.

“No...No. You don’t understand. I...I love him. I love him. You can’t keep me away from him. “ You said before running to your room as fast as possible to run from your parent’s as soon as posble so they wouldn’t try to to stop you or Try to take your game system.

“(Y/n) wait please just listen to-“ You slammed the door before they could stop you and immediately locked your door. You could feel something you had never felt before...tears. You...were crying? You sat next to the door.

“Honey open this door. Please...just tell me your ok. We love you so much,” You could hear your mom crying. You could hear your dad talking to your mom probably comforting her. You started to hear his voice. Tomura could comfort you. You could feel your heart start to beat at the thought of him. you could feel something.

You had started to walk to the game system and turned it on. You could see he was on like he was at that time.

“Hey what took you so long. Were you eating or something?? He said as you could feel his annoyance with you until he could hear you crying. He hestitated.

“(Y/n) open this door!” Your father commanded, you were sure Tomura could hear your dad.

“T-Tomura. My parents are trying to get me to stop talking to you. I-I don’t know what to do. I think...I love you. I think this will be the last time we can talk before my parents take me away from you. You were right. Family can betray you. They don’t understand. I think for the first time in years I have feeling again. Tomura...I don’t know what to do.” For a few seconds as your parents murmuring to each other on what to do before you could hear Tomura.

“Do you really to stay with me?” You stuttered your breathing

“I have a friend who can transport you to me since he has a quirk that can do that by just knowing your address. You need to know though...I’m not a normal guy. My name is Shigaraki Tomura. I’m part of the League of Villains. If you really want to be with me...you will have to do somethings you wouldn’t want to do,” You honestly felt you stop breathing. You loved him right? You were new with feelings so you still figuring everything out. This had to be love. He was all you could think of. Love meant you would do anything for the person you love. You began to hear your parents start to bang on the door calling out to you.

“I would do anything for you Tomura,”

“What’s your address?”

The door was finally opened when they were forced to get the key since their daughter wouldn’t open up. When they were in the room they only saw the game on and a note. The mother went to the not and picked it up.

‘I’ll miss you,’

“So this is your little play thing huh?” The lanky tall man with patched and black hair and electrifying blue eyes said staring at you. Shigaraki scuffed at him before putting his arms around you.

“That’s Ash tray aka Dabi. Just ignore him like his daddy did since all he does is talk and burn things,” Shigaraki said making Dabi growl a bit. You could feel Dabi feeling tired and annoyed though something about him was different. You knew what it was...you’ve felt people like him before...they were always different...the same feeling Shigaraki had...past/or/current abuse.

“You brought me a new friend?! Hi I’m Himiko Toga. Want to be friends?” A blonde haired girl appeared almost out of knowhere. You could feel the crazy off her practically without your quirk.

It had been almost a year since then...Shigaraki and you grew closer. You had actually met All for One...well sorta, you saw him on a tv screen. You had never felt so much...power hunger. You couldn’t move when yo first saw him. Later on he had you kill someone to prove you were really committed though you were only committed to Shigaraki. You had nightmares of killing that teen boy who only made the mistake of talking with the wrong people.

Shigaraki felt so excited when he talked to him. It confused you at first since his father appeared to be dead since he had his hand apparently...you didn’t ask...until he finally admitted everything.

Manga spoilers!

You layed on his bed as he played his video game. One of the characters told about their father being in danger which Shigaraki scuffed.

“Why do you hate fathers so much? I can feel your hatred to fathers even being mentioned.” Shigaraki just scuffed again

“It’s nothing,”

“You can trust me. I would do anything for you.” He thought for a moment. He looked to the side for a moment.

Manga spoilers! Shigurakis origin!

“Fine but only because you are annoying me. I had a family, quite a big one actually. I had my grandparents, Mom, Sister, Dog, and my Father. I had a thin of wanting to be a hero but my father hated heroes. Whenever he found me playing heroes he would punish m to stay outside in the corner but one day after my sister showed me that my grandma was a hero my dad found out and asked my sister what happened she lied and for the first time he hit me. He had no regret in his eyes. When I was outside crying and hugging my quirk appeared. I ended up killing my dog and that’s when my sister came out to apologize. I ended up accidentally killing my whole family until it was just my father. He came out and saw the mess. I killed him. Purposefully. Now can you stop talking and let me play my game,” You honestly felt scared a bit(Shiguraki was the only one to have you to feel emotions at all). You had killed someone yeah but kill your whole family.

Spoilers over

 You just had to find out the most scariest thing at the worst time. You wanted to spend the rest of your life with Shiguraki but this was different. You both went all the way once but they say it only takes once.  You were pregnant. You were 18 years old and Pregnant.

As you stood looking at the test you got up and thought for the first time about everything. You killed a teenage boy for someone to trust you. You still loved Shiguraki but this wasn’t You wouldn’t do it again. Not after everything. You packed your bags and walked out of that apartment you shared with him. This wasn’t a place for a child. A child should not be around killers.

You left with no note. Only with some clothes. You then went to a shady apartment place and then decided to get a short term job until the pregnancy was over so you could keep your apartment until this was over. It wasn’t that bad there. There were some really nice people but there were a few really sketchy guys you stayed away from especially when they flirted with you, you never responded.

After 9 months you finally had your baby. She was 9 pounds. She was born at exactly noon. She oddly had black hair which you assumed came from Shiguraki’s family. She had your (wavy/straight/curly/whatever) hair that you wish you could tell her in person how to control that hair but she would never be able to see you. After thinking over what to do you had your plan. 

As you sat with your daughter for a few days in the hospital you wrote a paper. If you just sent her to adoption then she would be found...she had to be with someone that All For One couldn’t get instantly knowing it wouldn’t be worth. 

You walked with emotions for one thing right now. Tears formed from your eyes as you walked and finally arrived. You looked down at the carrier and she looked up at you with those (e/c) eyes. Those were your eyes she had. You looked away immediately. No backing down. 

You set the carrier was set in front of the door and kneeled and tucked her in a bit more and kissed her not caring that tears were hitting her. 

“I love you so much,” You whispered, leaving the papers you wrote on the ground under her carrier incase the wind came. You kissed her multiple times knowing you could never do it enough. You finally stood and knocked on the door before running off as fast as you could. 

After a minute Toshinori finally opened the door to hear something crying and saw a newborn crying. 

“What the hell,” He muttered to himself before looking around seeing no one around. He picked up the carrier and saw a few pieces of paper and picked it up.

‘I don’t know what I’m doing anymore really. I never did. Everything happened so fast. I know you have a lot of responsibility's All Might but I can’t let her go into her father or All For One’s hands. I don’t have much to say. 

Shiguraki is her dad. The secret to her hair is water. After brushing her hair your put water on it to control the hair after. She may have sensitive skin so she may hate to have her hair brushed. I hated my hair getting brushed. Tell her I love her. Please keep her from trying to find me or anyone related to her father. Choose whatever name for her since I didn’t want to get attached. Keep her safe. Please.’

 Toshinori looked at the paper before looking at the baby and back at the paper then the baby. She seemed content just looking around before looking at him and laughed. She had a beauty mark where her grandmother did as she smiled.

“Aren’t you a smiler, I think I’ll name you Nana,” Toshinori smiled looking at his new daughter

A drawing of my OC Clovis, from Evil FTW, and an aside about his asexuality and my own journey to understand and express my own sexuality, as told through how I write this jerk:

When I was a teenager, I was asexual. But Selan, you might say, aren’t you bi/pan? Yeah dude. When people say your sexuality can change over time, they’re not lying. The whole reason why I didn’t come out of the closet until my mid-twenties is because I was ace before that.

And Clovis here is ace. But I haven’t established that in canon, which I’m annoyed about, but I didn’t fully understand him at first. I wasn’t really sure you could, you know, have an ace character without some weird explanation for it. I knew the word “asexual” from like, high school, but my friends--the LGBT “experts” of my school--kept telling me no, asexual is just something you describe sponges with, or stuff like that. 

And they were saying that about me, btw. Not about the character. Cue all the tired jokes about “do you reproduce with budding??” So I got convinced asexuality wasn’t a real thing, because if the kids who made it their business to know everything about sexuality didn’t think it was real, that was that, then.

(and let’s not even go into all the toxic shit they fed me about gender identity, HOO BOY, that’s a rant for another day)

So I didn’t see my identity as real. And I struggled with that. I hid behind my religion, saying no, I’m just avoiding sex for moral reasons, and sometimes I believed it. If you go through my old writing (don’t) you’d see all the weird, toxic ways I tried to understand sexuality, without fully understanding that that’s what I was trying to do.

With Clovis, in his original story before EFTW, I had this dumbass backstory where he was abducted by aliens and castrated and now he can’t have/doesn’t want sex and it was SOOO TRAGIC. I had thoughts about that a lot. For all I’d insist that you could have a fulfilling relationship without sex, I felt there was something deeply tragic about me, and whenever I saw relationships like in media or whatever where one person was like, idk a ghost or whatever, I felt like they were doomed.

The same way Clovis was doomed, the same way I was.

By the time I got to EFTW, I realized that backstory was bullshit, so I threw it out. He still has a traumatic thing in his past, but it’s unrelated to his sexuality. I still didn’t clearly establish him as ace though. I had pairings I kinda liked for him, so I wanted to keep that open but……. No man none of that ever worked. Listen, I got ships like nobody’s business for my own characters, but they decide for themselves what actually works. Clovis never clicked with anyone.

I like to think he probably struggled with that for a while, feeling like sort of a failure as a person for a while (hi my own feelings), but it was likely wrapped up in all the rest of his issues, so I’m not sure he ever recognized it as a sexuality thing rather than just, you know, an extension of his overall post-traumatic shit.

And I, now, understand that there was never really anything wrong with me, and my being ace was okay. My being bi now is okay too. Sexuality is weird, but something not being permanent doesn’t mean it didn’t matter.

By this point in the story Clovis definitely knows he’s ace and is okay with it. But I… still haven’t said it in canon. Because he’s such a private person and come on dude could you please talk about yourself more

aNYWAY THE POINT OF THIS RAMBLING IS THAT ACE REPRESENTATION IS IMPORTANT and I wish I’d had access to the sort of info that’s more common today, back when I was a baby ace. The fact that I only understood my asexuality after I stopped being ace is frustrating, and I spent so many of my formative years feeling broken, and gdi I will find a place to say in canon that this boy is ace so people know and so I’m contributing to the dire need for ace characters.

Meet Me in the Middle - Chapter 4

Links to other Chapters: https://honey-harper-official.tumblr.com/post/186690778576/meet-me-in-the-middle-chapter-2

it’s lowkey kinda crappy bc I’m crunched for time but here it is anyways. Writers block and little time suck ass.

In the morning when Lacey woke up, Ellie was wide awake, on her phone. At some point she had changed into one of Lacey's new sweatshirts and chances were that she wasn't going to give it back. It was also note-worthy that she was wearing only that and underwear, having no shorts or pants on. Lacey sat up and kissed Ellie's cheek. "Let's go eat," Lacey said. "Kay," Ellie said, sliding off the bed. She grabbed the doorknob but Lacey pulled her back by the hood. "Pants. You need some pants." "No," she said, giving a fake grin. "Put some pants on." "Nope." "You're going to make me put them on you aren't you?" "Yup." She kissed Lacey's cheek before sitting on the bed. Lacey sighed and grabbed her least favorite pair of shorts from her closet. She slid them on her girlfriend. "Hey these are the itchy ones!" "Put them on yourself next time and maybe they wouldn't be the bad ones," Lacey laughed as she headed out the door. Downstairs pancakes were on a plate. If someone stayed the night you could usually expect that there would be pancakes in the morning. It was an unofficial house rule. Lacey piled them on her plate and served up some more for Ellie who was happily chatting with Eva at the table. She set down the plates and Ellie passed her silverware. They ate slowly, Ellie not wanting to leave since Lacey had plans later that afternoon. Ellie also wanted to guarantee that she missed her brothers game so she wouldn't have to leave in the first place before Lacey had gymnastics. Lacey didn't want Ellie to leave and neither did anyone in the household. They may not have known that the two girls were dating but they loved Ellie. Sometimes it seemed that they like Ellie more then Lacey but it was the same way at the Tucker-Silva household. Everyone was always so happy when Lacey came over but every family was like that with the best friends. "It's already noon," Ellie sighed, checking her phone. "That means you have to get ready for gymnastics." "We really slept that long?" "No you slept that long I just let you," she laughed as they put their plates in the dishwasher and went upstairs. As Ellie was on her phone, sitting on the bed, Lacey rummaged through her closet before picking out a leotard. She changed quickly, putting shorts and a t-shirt on over top. She quickly brushed out her hair and pulled it back into a bun. She shoved a water bottle into her bag as well as the rest of her gear before leaving, dragging Ellie along. "Bye!" Lacey yelled as they left. She got on her skateboard and held on to the back of Ellie's bike. It was a fast paced day. It seemed that gymnastics, the several hours of practice she had, flew by. Practice started at 1 and then ended at 4 and it was a half and hour train ride to the place since it was at the heart of the large city. She rode her skateboard to the station and then took the train the rest of the way. The practice itself, all 3 hours, seemed to go by faster then the trip there. The extensive warmups felt like nothing and frankly, Lacey couldn't remember anything about the practice. Part of her assumed that it was nerves for what was soon to come. The reason the practice was so long was due to the major competition that would come tomorrow and last for several days. While Lacey wasn't planning on making a career out of gymnastics, the competitions were still a big deal to her. Major awards were given to those who won and if Lacey wanted, if she made it past this competition and worked up another rank, she could go to an Olympic level. And after the competition at the end of the week would be the trip Ellie and Lacey had planned for her 17th. She was excited for their weekend at the beach but also nervous because Ellie and her had never done a trip like this before. It was definitely a marker in their relationship both romantically and platonically. There was a lot on the line for Lacey at the moment. The chances of being an Olympic gymnast was one but far lesser to her relationship with Ellie. That may have sounded childish to put a girl before being a possible Olympian but when you compared it to how long she had been friends with Ellie and to her stance on being an Olympian, it was clear that one had a significantly higher impact then the other. Lacey stared out the window of the train, music thundering through her ears. Her leotard was itchy and tight against her sweaty skin but at least no one could see it under the shorts and t-shirt. She clutched her bag and skateboard tightly, wanting nothing more then to be able to go home and shower. Even if she had blanket out during practice, she was exhausted and could go for a nap. Then she'd have to get up and pack while she still had the chance that week since she'd be gone almost all day at competition. Worst of all was that no one could make it. All her friends had things that day, her parents were working, and her siblings had their own events. At least her friends knew that gymnastics, as competitive as Lacey was at it, was more of a leisurely activity. She competed because it was her only option in the sport not because she wanted to compete. The train came to a halt at Lacey's stop and the doors opened. She left the station, throwing down her skateboard and starting to ride home. The only company she had in the crowded outdoor station that she was leaving was that of Britney Spears. Toxic was going through her ears and it was a nice break from all the chaos that was blooming. It was a relief to be home. The air conditioning was definitely a welcomed feeling. As she started to go to her room she walked in on the conversation her family was having. "I wish I had an older brother," Eva said. "Well I wish I had a younger brother. I like being the oldest," Valerie said. "I guess a son would be nice," her parents agreed. They all stopped and turned to look at her as she just stood there. There was complete silence. Lacey didn't need a mirror to know that she looked absolutely done. She threw up her hands. "Fucking whatever," she muttered as she turned to go upstairs, both of her sisters laughing. "We love you sweetie!" Adrian yelled to her. "Yeah. Sure you do," Lacey responded sarcastically. She threw her bag on her bed before getting clean clothes from her closet. She showered quickly before using her powers to dry her hair. She put on a sports bra, sweatshirt, and shorts, putting in her earbuds and playing some music again. The minute Lacey sat down on the bed Eva came running in. The door burst open and in a flash Eva was standing in the room. She stood completely still for once. "Mom said it's time for dinner." "And?" Lacey asked, scrolling through social media on her phone. Eva said nothing and instead knocked down a book from the shelf. "Can I help you?" Eva just left. "Shut my door!" Lacey yelled, jumping off of the bed. Rolling her eyes she put the book back in it's place and shut the door. She trudged downstairs and into the dinning room, shoving her phone and earbuds into her sweatshirt pocket. There were boxes of pizza on the table and paper plates. It must have been a busy day at work. "Do you always wear sweatshirts and shorts?" Valerie asked the minute Lacey sat down. "Do you always seek to criticize my clothing choices?" "It's not even your sweatshirt!" "It's not?" "It literally says Tucker-Silva on the back! That's Ellie's!" "Oh. Didn't realize. At this point no one in our friend group knows who's sweatshirts are who's." "I've noticed. Half of your sweatshirts have random last names on them," Valerie said as she put pizza on a plate. "Well they all have mine so it doesn't really matter." "Weird," Valerie muttered. Lacey rolled her eyes, ignoring her older sister. Valerie could be such a critic sometimes. Lacey knew she meant well but it still was annoying and hurtful. For instance when Lacey was looking at colleges, Valerie kept trying to get lacey to go for the college she was at, staying close to home. Lacey however chose a college on the other side of the country. Instead of staying on the lower end of the west coast, Lacey was going to the upper end of the east coast to study engineering. It was part of the reason why she had been spending so much time with her friends. Ellie was going to the east coast too, only an hour away to study theater, but Beck was always traveling and Meg and Lana were staying in the Gatlon area. Lacey wasn't exactly spending all her time for her last summer at home with her family due to the fact that she would always see them when she came back for break. It wasn't like Valerie who lived on campus but could take day trips down to see them. She would only see them on break but Lacey couldn't say the same for her friends. There was also part of Lacey that wanted to leave. She wanted to be away from home, free to do whatever she wanted. And she was close to that. All she had to do was pack her bag and she'd have that freedom for two days.

Am I ready or not?

I’ve been in several dates and one night stands in the past 3 years. I know, it’s nothing to be proud of but I did enjoy my single life and got used to being alone. I loved myself more and learned how to be independent.

Now, don’t say that I haven’t tried to work on a relationship with someone. I did but I’ve pushed people away many times because I am afraid of being hurt. So instead of them doing it first, I’ll be three steps ahead of them.

But suddenly, it makes me look back 2016. I really was working it out with Saul. He was a Spanish expat who was the former CFO of Lazada. We met in Tipple n Slaw and that was were our story started. The Despacito song and Versace on the Floor was one of the highlights of our “relationship” We will have either breakfast, lunch or dinner or even out of town trip together. It was there. I met his friends, he met mine. He met and Jarrod. But there are times he wanted to hangout and I would choose my friends. I drink a lot. I party a lot. Then when I moved to Heineken, that’s where it just went off. No good byes. It was left hanging. Now he has a girlfriend. Was I ever over it? I was supposed to meet him last August 2018 but I blew it off too. If I met him, would we be back together? Or was it the supposed to be “Closure”? I missed those time with him but I have to accept that it was never meant to be. 

Then was Araam... who I met after Saul. It was in Libertine for Nico’s night. He was on a holiday in the Philippines. I wasn’t even feeling that I wanna go out but there, I went. I wasn’t in the mood the flirt or whatever. I was introduced to Chi and he introduced me to Araam. Then suddenly, conversation just flowed. We laughed and talked about anything. He went out to smoke and I can feel that I’m about to pass out because I’ve been drinking day and night. I was working in Heineken back then. I just stormed off without saying good bye. A few days after or maybe it was a day or two after, I saw notifications in both Facebook and Instagram. I saw Araam’s message. He asked me not to freak out because he stalked me and sent two messages in both social media platforms. He said if I wanted to stay in touch, he gave his WhatsApp number. I checked messenger first though and gave him my number there instead. We talked more. It was Heineken Circus in 2020 in Makati. Nico and I went while Raam, Chi and Theresa went too. I invited them over for more beers. Anyway, I didn’t see Chi and I saw Raam and Theresa. I didn’t know who Theresa was and was actually devastated when I saw them together. Then Chi came and Nico asked them to kiss... the typical Nico kiss and shot. That’s when I knew that they were husband and wife. Lol. Then Nico faced us and asked me and Raam to kiss. We were both hesitant and Raam whispered “I would definitely want to kiss you right now but I don’t want to be too forward cause we barely know each other.” That’when I knew that he liked me. I smiled and when the night was getting late and Nico asked us to kiss - we did. It was all sparks and chill. He went to Cebu with Chi but when he was back, he went to our event again in Tunnl. With Araam, he will be sweet and fun but he will ask if it is time to socialize. It’s all easy with him. I can trust him and he can trust me. We jive. I don’t get paranoid when there is a girl with them in the conversation. He would look at me and pull me and kiss me in the forehead. Even if we didn’t go out in the same place, he will leave his door open and ask me to go home to him. We both stopped talking for almost a year. I knew that maybe he had someone and I also had guys with me... LOL. December 2018 he sent me a Facebook messenger. I totally forgot that I didn’t send him my new mobile number. He thought I deleted him but no. I did not. We went to Vietnam after Valentine’s day and I was with him for almost 5 or 6 days. That’s where we talked and he said that if we were in the same place we would definitely be dating. I jokingly said “Are you sure?” He said “Definitely. I wouldn’t allow other blokes to have you.” He visited Manila in June 2019. All I know, if ever I want a boyfriend, I’d want the qualities of Araam... or can it be just us? 

Before Araam and I talked back in December 2018, I met Jonathan. Well, I’ve been seeing him in John’s social media because of the French community but we never really talked. Until July 2018. He told me I was beautiful and that maybe I should know. Jonathan and I talked and talked online whether it’s in WhatsApp or in Instagram. He was sweet, compassionate and passionate. He is too emotional though and that it was one voice only... but hearing his voice made me feel calm sometimes. He can sing, act. He is an artist. We made it official August 16. He booked a ticket to Manila on September. I remember the first time I saw him. No butterflies or sparks and flowers. It made me think that the picture I painted in my head when we were apart wasn’t the same as reality. There were off days, there were okay days. I felt like the meanest person because I pushed him away. I hurt him real bad. For his last day, he wanted to talk more and to spend more time with me. But instead, I pushed him away and left... never looking back. We still kept talking and talking. There were times when I would call him in the middle of the night because I’m sad. His voice still calms me. He told me he might go back to Manila and we should meet. I thought it was another chance for us. Maybe I was ready. Maybe our timing was finally right. He came and we never met because of his schedules and mine. He was about to leave the next day and I met him. Apparently, he will just break my heart. Karma, right?

I think one of the factors why Jonathan and I never worked out was because of Hannes. The German Heineken guy. Ever since I gave my resignation in Heineken, he showed more interest in me. I do know he was interested while I was still part of the team but when I was about to resign, that’s when I confirmed it more. He has been the distraction of my life. Giving me mixed signals here and there. I know he have other side chicks but I chose to ignore it. Even when I was with Jonathan, I will still go to Hannes. He is like a drug that I cannot ignore. I wanted more. I knew he was having a thing with another Heineken girl but I can’t be the one to judge or to be angry because we were never exclusive. He was surprised when I showed no signs of anger and jealousy. He made the situation seem like it was nothing to me... like he was nothing to me. Hannes and I can chill at home. He cooks for me and takes good care of me. He is more of the guy who will likely make me stay in more than go out. But don’t be fooled, I know it’s just him hiding who he’s dating. Like I said, he gives mixed signals. One day he is sweet. One day he is not. One day he will be angry for being jealous. Then one day he will say he will date other girls. He is toxic but I seem to like the drama. I like the excitement and that he was jealous when I posted a photo of Fede, his fellow friend in Heineken. We tried to work it out with communication and trust. Trust. What a word. We met after his trip in Germany and my trip in Australia. We tried long distance when he went to Amsterdam. But I can’t. I was in Vietnam with Araam when I started to tell Hannes I can’t do it anymore. He became more lose and more chill. Letting me enjoy time with friends. Sending me sweet messages. He was asking my plans ahead and when can I go to Amsterdam. I felt the pressure because I don’t know if I can even process the visa to Europe. I don’t want to lead it on with false hope and I don’t see we can work it out given the long distance situation. I think it just dawned on me all the pain of betrayal and also the fact that I’ve been blinded with his affection. I ended it... it didn’t end well. He forever hated me.

I’m done dating here and there and going back to square one. Looking back at the guys I’ve met, it’s only a few I remained friends with. Others have left Manila too. I enjoyed my nights with friends. I go out now just to be with them. Go home alone and drunk.Work and play was my daily routine. Then I met Bonnar. Bon was his nickname. Scottish Chivas Brand Ambassador. I was working with Bryan and his meeting was in Nokal with Niccolo. Bryan left and I stayed. I was drinking until I saw Chino and his team together with Bon and Julian (Jameson Brand Ambassador). Chino introduced me like he always introduces me to everyone. I was the Jameson queen. Just in time, it was a Jameson event in Nokal. Chino said of course I would be there because - duh- it was Jameson. Like Araam’s story, I was just there having fun. I didn’t really talk to Bon. I was just having a great time. I left them too. I did my ninja move. I saw that we all followed each other in Instagram. He sent me a message in Instagram that it was nice to meet me and I disappeared all of a sudden (see? like Araam). Then the next day he asked if I was going out. I had to check if I wanted to cause I was tired. I decided to go out still cause my friends are going out. I invited him to join. We pretty hung out and slept together - like literally just sleep. A few days more of hanging out, he mentioned that he really likes me. I was easy to talk to and very chill. There was this one time in Versus where I kinda ignored him and he said that five dudes wanted to fuck me and that I was annoying. He kept dropping hints about exclusivity, mentioning girlfriend, etc. I don’t know if he’s fishing or if he just wants to tone down. What I am afraid of, he is young (25 and I’m 29) and new here in Manila. Also my job required me to relocate here in Iloilo. I am also scared to be the paranoid girlfriend. I don’t handle overthinking well. I have anxiety issues. I don’t want to get hurt. He have some qualities like Araam but the part of socializing with people - I can’t say I am calm like I am with Araam. He explains who he was talking to but I don’t know. I don’t want to lose what I built. I don’t want to be weak. But my friends told me that he also wants to know what I want. What do I want? Am I ready to take it the next step? How? What’s stopping me?

Lol... Stay With You of John Legend just played. 

BEGINNINGS + GENDER

As said in the introduction: this is a selfish blog where I rant about myself and my feelings. Here goes my first ramble. Within this ramble contains bits of: gender, femininity,  sexuality and eating disorders. Y’know, the usual mix of edgy Tumblr content. I am posting this in celebration of Pride Month (!!! YAY!!! I HONESTLY LOVE PRIDE MONTH) but also because I’ve had this build up in my heart for too long. 

A NOTE BEFORE I BEGIN...

I know you (reader) cannot hear me doing this, so imagine me (author) taking a deep breath, filling my semi spacious lungs, and releasing all that pent up air with a heavy sigh. 

Here we fucking go. Here’s to tip of the iceberg, from 4 years of pent up gay shit to recent moments of gentle gender dysmorphia. Do not expect my writing to be fully coherent, nor written in the best grammar. I am writing for my own therapeutic needs, because I gotta get some of this energy released and I have nowhere else to dump this. This piece is a full on rant, as in I literally wrote this angrily tapping away at 2-4 am. However, I’d like to mention that I mean no offence to any parties, and simply want to vent out some of the deep thoughts I’ve been pacing around for the past few years. Feel free to send me a message regarding your personal feelings, or to just chat. I’m always here as a friend and listener <3 

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN...

I think I owe myself and you (reader) an explanation on where things began to really start. The main “spark” that got me going and prompted me to start this blog was when I found myself unable to stop playing songs by Dorian Electra. Actually-- to be honest-- it was the music videos that really got me going. The glorious explosion of just “QUEER” screaming and banging its head at my 13 inch Mac Book Pro got me extremely inspired to actually do something about the gross reactions of confusion that were occurring in my brain and body. As Dorian Electra put it, “You know I’m not straight, but I’m gonna give it straight to you.” So here’s my best shot at “giving it straight.” 

By the way... I’m from a fairly traditional family with high hopes for me, so the most freedom I can really grasp onto is starting an anonymous Tumblr blog at 2 am laying naked with just my underwear on. 

PERSONAL TOPIC 1: GENDER...

So here’s the thing, I stick to my biological birth gender like it’s my lifeline-- my comfort zone-- I guess, if anything. I personally feel like gender and sexuality have their own little symbiotic (or perhaps parasitic???) relationship, where one’s gender impacts their sexuality-- but I can also accept that my understanding is probably not politically correct. I can say, however, with a heavy heart: 

I am utterly fucked when I think about my gender and sexuality. 

I’ll take it easy first and rope down my feelings towards my gender and its definition. I jokingly scream in the halls that gender is a social construct, but let’s be honest-- is it not?  Other than our dongle-longs and hoochie-has, what makes a woman different from a man? I mean maybe it is just the sausage and the grapefruit, but I’d like to argue that... Just kidding, the more I think about it the more I fall into a rabbit hole where I can’t figure out what a male is and what a female is. I mean what are they? Is it based off of the definition I provide for myself, or what society conveniently slams into my face? Is the LGBTQ+ community the people who get to decide or is it the Westboro Baptist Church??? 

Note: these are not a rhetorical question, please answer this to your opinion because I’m in desperate need of some kind of direction beyond biology. I accept all ideologies and concepts. I’m just hella confused. 

Ehem.

Anyways, my own battle with gender goes beyond not knowing where the “line” is, or if it even exists (again, I’m still not sure if this is a personal question or something based on society...) It also goes into where I stand on this polarised scale. See-- I have a bean, a hole, and melons. Alas, in slightly more proper terms, I have a clitoris, vagina and breasts. So what does that mean for me? Am I automatically a woman? For the first 17 years of my life, I would respond to that question with a VERY confident nod. Pink was once my favourite colour, I like boys, dresses, cute animals and romcoms. My physical body only went to assure what I already knew. Now? I’m not so sure. As it is more acceptable nowadays to be “queer,” I’ve slid into the an identity crisis where I realise I’ve never revelled in the fact that I had tiddies, nor felt comfortable about having a coochie. I used to blame my confusion regarding my comfort in my biological gender on the growing queer influences in my life-- after all, everyone wants to be special and sometimes being apart of the LGBTQ+ community is the best way to stand out, especially when it’s being shoved in your face with media. Everyone who comes out of the closet is faced with incredible amounts of love and attention, and my younger self thought “maybe I should get on the boat” hence, labelling myself as bisexual for the longest time without truly feeling like I am (until in recent years.)  I blamed my confusion in identity and sexuality on the attention whore who lived inside of my heart. My feelings were only justified as true this year, when I found myself staring at myself in the mirror and couldn’t help but to feel unhappy with what I presented myself with. Undies clad with a slightly cropped black muscle tank, I could see the linings of a “V” line on my lower abdomen and felt kinda hot about it. I did the annoying fuckboy pose (you know, the one where the guy is biting his shirt to reveal his oh-so-humble six pack) and found it... kinda fun? I did have a 36D underboob flail around, but my focus was more on my bottom half, with my Victoria Secret blue lace underwear and masculine illusion.  It wasn’t like a grand glorious moment, nor was it like I was the tomboy of the house and everyone just “knew” and I only had to convince myself. Instead, it was an anti-climatic moment where I realised “fuck, I have another problem on my hands that I can’t ignore anymore.” 

I don’t know if I truly identify as female or male. Honestly, I don’t really think I need to identify myself, but that’s the 30% of my consciousness who is super queer, chill and cool. See, the other 70% of my mind is going in a frenzy screaming, because I just lost one of my key defining attributes. Think that episode of Spongebob, where Spongebob’s brain cells are screaming and throwing papers around the office setting of his brain.

Another question has also become increasingly relevant in my journey of finding my “true inner zen self.” 

Who am I choosing my gender for?

In 2018, and most of the years before, I adored being loved by boys and having guys waggle their dicks like dog tails for my tits and ass, but in 2019, I randomly figured out that I never liked my boobs for anything but that. I mean having an hourglass figure was always (and still is) a goal of mine, but I question for what reason. I’d like to say it’s for personal aesthetic appeal, but it wouldn’t be surprising to me if I just do it so people will like me more. In fact, I battled with bulimia for the very reason of: I don’t know what the fuck I want or like, but  the crowd likes “skinny thick” girls so lets do that by purging. Am I currently wearing a waist trainer and corset on top of each other because I like the outcome, or because the people around me like me more for it? I’m trying really hard not to segue into the alluring topic of toxic femininity, because I can rant for HOURS AND PAGES about that, so I’ll just say: I don’t know if I’m being a girl for myself or because I’ll be more liked for it. 

In all honesty, the truth regarding my gender became clearer the more I self conscious I became. In 2018, I fell into the trap of sending boys nudes (apologies for the TMI and sorry family if you somehow came across my blog and are currently reading this.)  I liked it for a millisecond. Why? Because it felt good to have someone desperate for me. That millisecond died off real fast. My own thoughts pooped my nude Alpha Female party with insecurity and fear of how my body compares to other girls my age. Three days after the first nude I sent I realised I hate my body. I felt empowered in the moment (honestly I do love the feeling of tease. I still do send ohohoho raunchy pics for the pure euphoria of just having someone crave me) but overall just left the experience with lingering guilt and self hatred. I wasn’t sure if I was doing this to please myself or others. I also abhor taking nudes, because I do not think I embody femininity and dislike my body for that very reason. Identifying as male makes me far more comfortable than as identifying as a female. I might have tits, I might have soft facial features, but I just don’t like how I mentally feel like I can’t compare to the unrealistic standard of femininity that women uphold. I spent my whole life trying to  tick the boxes under “female,” but always felt like I was just doing the bare minimum... Hence my past is full of desperation, the need to show skin for the sake of proving I’m “sexy” and being perfectly fine with getting mislabeled as a slut at school. Nowadays, I show skin because I’m comfortable and am learning to love my body. I am not okay with slut shaming in general, but I am most definitely not okay with being called a slut either because I’m still a fucking virgin. So hun, I really do wish I could call myself a slut and have that much game, but I’m very far from that.

Anyways, uh more on my gender crisis:  I’ve also always adored mens fashion and absolutely revel the aura of being the “alpha.” Ever since my middle school days, I’d secretly snoop around and envy the men’s section of Barney’s and Saks, because it just looks so damn cool. Excuse my lack of “high quality language,” I can hear my English teacher sighing about my lack of “professional” or “appropriate” language, but I really can’t express my feelings regarding mens fashion other than it’s fucking cool. I must say though, my style of clothing and expression of self doesn’t stop itself at mens fashion. In fact, I enjoy dressing to exhort a more dominant presence, whether it’s with a short denim skirt and tight crop top or a loose fitting silk blouse and skinny jeans with a belt. So I guess in a way, my fashion and what I feel comfortable in explains my gender for me. A little bit of both and a little bit of neither. Although the next step would definitely be playing around with my hair and piercing, but I think my traditional family would whoop my ass to the moon if I do it now, and I can’t say I’m not scared of regrets. I just want to discover myself a little more this year...

Regardless, I just wanna further clarify that I don’t feel comfortable being put as female, male or hell-- even androgynous.

And I gotta say, after holding this in and denying it for 4 years, it feels damn good to type it out and admit it.

 In deciding to be a “gender”, there are standards. Deciding to be anything comes with the price of standards. I just can’t personally handle not being able to fit into the standards there are for them... Especially now since people are so bothered on being politically correct, so if I’m “not being properly androgynous” or “not properly female,” I’ll get shit on, and if I’m not accepted by the mass majority, I’ll feel societal hate mixed with self hatred. 

I also want to say that sometimes I don’t feel like I have the right to be confused or declare a gender because I’ve been on the judgemental side before. 

In middle school one of my close friends moved away, and soon later began to label themselves as gender fluid. It was such a new concept that I initially thought that they were doing it as a publicity stunt, but slowly realised that it is indeed who they are. I wasn’t hateful, but I can’t say I’m innocent, even if it was when I was far younger and less understanding. I remember when they first started using their current pronouns, I was confused on how to utilise them and initially disregarded them. Today, I regret my ignorance. Misgendering can always be a mistake, but it can also be extremely spoiled, belittling and condescending. So even though I know someone that probably went through a similar journey as I am today, I feel guilty asking them about it because of the shit I gave them when I was 14.

 Additionally, I’m scared of being wrong about myself. I can’t describe it too well, but I’m just scared that I’ll slip up a wrong opinion and then be automatically thrown into the can of “special snowflake wannabe LGBTQ+” when in reality: I truly feel like I’m not of “cisgender” or anything normal. I don’t want to dip too deep into my history with crippling anxiety and experiences with depression, but I will say that I can’t help but to hate myself for being queer too.. Alas, I’ll have to learn how to get over that and continue loving myself, but what the hell am I going to do now? 2k words later and things aren’t exactly clearer, but I can (somewhat) confidently say that I know what I’ll do (for now.) 

As of today, June 17, 2019, I have decided to not give a fuck and to simply just identify with the LGBTQ+ community. I don’t feel comfortable identifying as male, female, neither, both, gender fluid, or anything else. I will simply put off gender and let people call me by whatever pronoun they want.

I just wanna be me. 

Until I find out something else, or become more comfortable with myself, or gather the confidence to “come out of the closet” and stop being so selfish and finally decide what the hell I am, it’ll probably just be like this for awhile.

And honestly? I think I’m okay with that.

Long Flash TV  show ship rant.

I’ve been wanting to rant about this for a while now. I’ve seen people say the Snowbarry fandom is toxic and I’ve seen people say the Westallen fandom is toxic but I think both Snowbarry and Westallen fandoms are toxic but the Westallen fandom is only toxic because the ship and Iris faced racism right away since the very beginning of the show. The Snowbarry fandom is toxic cause they’re racist. Even if not all of the Snowbarry shippers are racist the ship it’s self is pretty racist. Wanting Barry to be with a white woman, y’know a ship that doesn’t make sense instead of his black love interest who is important to him is racist. And people have been shipping this ship before the show even started when it was pretty clear that Barry loved Iris and was going to end up with her. You’re basically sending a message to black fans that black women don’t deserve love by not wanting Iris to be with Barry. Black women are rarely love interests in media. Black women are kinda told that they are not desirable so Barry being very in love with Iris is important and special to black women and people in interracial relationships. Their relationship is representation to people in are those relationships and kids who come from interracial families. They don’t have that many interracial families in kid shows. It can teach kids that interracial couple are okay. Representation is important especially to kids. 

 I can understand not liking canon ships cause sometimes they’re bad but Barry and Iris are good together. They have good chemistry together. They have a good healthy relationship. They are cute together. I’ve seen people say it’s incest cause Barry was taken in by Joe but Barry and Iris don’t think of each other as siblings. Joe may think of Barry as a son but Barry and Iris don’t consider themselves to be siblings. They never talk about being siblings. They don’t even feel or seem like siblings. I’ve seen people say Iris isn’t written good but the Arrowverse shows in general aren’t written good at times. Iris could be written better though. There are other bad reasons for why racist people don’t want Barry to be with Iris, like Iris is annoying or it’s a toxic relationship when it’s not. Y’all just don’t like Barry being with a black women. 

Barry and Iris were always meant to be together. I wish people would understand that the show is based off comics and Iris is The Flash’s love interest and they are just following the comics. The Flash and Iris are one of DC’s most iconic classic couples like Superman and Lois Lane. Iris is important to The Flash’s mythology just like how Lois Lane is important to Superman’s mythology. They got to be together. Iris is important to Barry’s character and if you don’t want Barry to be with her, you don’t understand his character. Same thing with not wanting Superman to be with Lois.

 I swear if Cisco was white, him and Barry would be a popular ship, cause slash shippers would love they’re relationship. Or Caitlin with Cisco. You might as well ship Caitlin with someone else. Barry being with Caitlin makes no sense. They have no chemistry. They have no business being together especially when you know about The Flash comics. There’s no reason for them being together. They seems more like friends. It just feels like people are only shipping them cause they don’t like Barry being with a black girl. To me shipping should make sense and Snowbarry makes no sense. I think the show needs to give Caitlin a love interest and not kill him off. She could be with Ryan Choi, they’ve been together in the comics. Snowbarry feels like a crack ship that’s been taken too serious. Crack ships are not to be taken serious like normal ships. They’re not suppose to have serious fanfics or fanart.

Another reason why the Snowbarry fandom is toxic is they harass people. They harass the actor who plays Iris. They call her racist slurs. They harassed Leanne Aguilera for talking about Westallen on Shipworthy instead of their ship. They call Iris West, Viris Pest which is dumb and petty. Normal people don’t give characters that they hate mean names. They will edit Iris out of stuff and replace her with Caitlin which is kinda racist. Erasing a black woman from her scenes or spotlight is racist. Other shippers who don’t ship Westallen don’t act like this in the fandom. Not every Snowbarry shipper is like bad but it’s too late, they have already made the rest of the Snowbarry shippers look bad.

The Flash is getting a movie. Iris is white in the comics. At first I don’t want them to cast a black woman to play Iris again cause this could their chance to be comic accurate. Just because Iris is black in the Flash show doesn't mean she has to be black in other comic adaptions but now I’m glad they casted a black girl to play her cause I understand why she’s important to people but mostly because racist people can stay mad cause honestly it really feels like people don’t like Barry being with a black woman cause Iris isn’t that bad of a character. She’s gotten better since the first season.

Thank you for reading this if you read all of it. I didn’t mean for it to get so long.

TLDR: Snowbarry is a racist ship. Not all Snowbarry shippers are racist but the ship’s existence is racist. You don’t have to be racist to ship Snowbarry. Erasing a black character from their love life is what makes it racist. Snowbarry only exist cause people don’t want a black women to be with Barry. The Flash and Iris are one of DC’s iconic couples so course they're going to be together in the TV show. 

All COVID

So much has happened since the last time I wrote. That was when US/California started taking action. March 15 is when they announced that people will not be allowed to dine in at restaurants. I remember this clearly because I had a lunch date with steph at paper pot. We were the only ones at the restaurant, joking that social distancing was quite effective there. We also stopped by to get boba one last time before it was mandatory to remove the seating areas. 

I stayed in most of my first week WFH because it was raining. My first couple days, I was a quite anxious about WFH. We are asked to submit a daily work log to our managers everyday, and also submit a weekly list of tasks that we wish to accomplish that week. My manager is super chill and protective of us - she told us that we must “cover our butts” and do not downplay anything we are doing. She stresses to upper management that all of our jobs are important. Currently, it seems that my department has a plan until April 19. Parking is also waived during this time (I’m saving so much money on not spending on gas and parking). It was discussed in the meeting that since many conferences, clinics, and activities are canceled, there’s not much need for admin support. If we will need to continue WFH after April 19, we may be able to last another month or so on doing part-time work and be compensated for the rest by administrative leave. Past that, furlough is on the table. I think our team should be safe though, because April to August is our busy season.

My second half of my first week WFH was heaven. Being able to sleep in til 8 and having the California sunshine wake me up was a dream. I was enjoying spending time with my family, not having to commute, being able to connect virtually with friends, and go hiking at the nearby trail. 

I’m now halfway through my second week WFH. I honestly do not mind the quarantine life if it weren’t for the depressive state of our world. US is gonna surpass China and Italy in numbers soon. I feel like it’s hard to work in this anxious state. I’m even more worried because Matt is working on the frontline. Every time I see an article about how a doctor has died due to covid, it breaks my heart a little. But I also have to consider that it takes a certain personality and strength to be a doctor, and actual doctors don’t react to this the same way the general public does. 

This week when I’ve talked to him, he acted calm and normal and is more distressed over noncovid related things. For example, he talked multiple times about how the Chair of his department kinda humiliated him/called him out for doing something stupid, about our housing situations, about being able to fly home or not next month, about the economic stimulus. But doesn’t seem very worried about covid in his hospital, and semi-playfully says “i’m going to war!!” when he leaves for work. His psychologist friend who is already an attending in an Arizona hospital sent him 2 packages full of masks, n95s as well as n-100s which are even stronger. I’m so grateful for that. Luckily, his mom asked him to steal some n-95s last month, so he has like 8 of those in storage too. It calms me down knowing that he has the proper supplies when it comes the time that they run out. 

Also big news that I should write out - he matched! He’s waited a decade for this email. I’m happy for him even though his real dream would have been able to come back to Cali. I’m gaining more experience on being a doctor’s partner. I follow the subreddit medspouse a lot and it’s like I have friends going through the same things together - relationship struggles, match day, the fear of covid, etc. There are also frequent posts from people who are newly dating  (~2 months) a resident or med student. A very common question is - are they even interested or are they just super busy? It’s become a part of my identity and it’s very interesting to read other people’s experiences. 

A few months ago, we got into a big argument because he wasn’t able to give me a timeline of when to move in together in the case that he does match into Brooklyn. I was upset because I felt like he wasn’t sure about our future, and about wanting to live with me. I felt it was his way of pushing it off. He said it was because it was too much pressure to think past match day, because he would be so devastated if he didn’t match again. I didn’t truly understand or believe him. Right after he matched, he sent me a text “cutie pie is moving to NY”. And immediately, he brought up concrete plans about moving in together i.e. rent amount, neighborhoods, month of move in, etc. It made me feel so secure. This time, I was the one who couldn’t promise anything. Because COVID. I have no idea what’s gonna unfold these upcoming weeks and months. I was thinking that in the case I am furloughed, I can move onto a different job in NYC and have a smooth transition. 

My dad is finally behaving more. He’s been following the news on TV nonstop. Along with this, my parents’ friends keep sending them sometimes fake news via wechat. My mom is especially gullible to these. My dad started cutting up onions to put around the house because “that’s what they did in the 70s” post bombing attacks. Some quality family time: I made my parents do virtual yoga with me. We basically eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner together everyday, hiked with my mom, bonded (and sometimes argued) because of covid together. 

Last thing is that I’ve been super interested in learning about borderline personality disorder these past couple days. My long-term friend B who I’ve complained about many times this past year and a half - I’ve finally labeled her as a toxic friend. The first few times I’ve described her to Matt, he instantly said BPD. I didn’t believe him at first and was just like nah she doesn’t have that. But he said it again recently and I looked up the symptoms. It was very descriptive. I believe that she started becoming a worse friend in the last 1.5 years or so because she stopped having a LTR boyfriend. When she has a LTR boyfriend, he becomes the main receiver of this whole BPD mess. That means, during our almost decade friendship, I never really saw that side of her because she’s been in LTRs. After her last relationship, she’s been jumping from guy to guy and having unstable short-lived relationships. However, I think she may have recently found another LTR guy. Since I am her “best friend”, I defaulted to being one of the receivers of her BDPness during this searching for a new person endeavor. 

She became all take and no give (actually she did give me a sorry/Xmas gift and a birthday card). I kinda stopped relying on her and increasingly lost respect for her. She constantly sent me screenshots of text messages between her and her boy of the moment. I looked through our text images together yesterday and 90% were screenshots between her and a boy. And all we ever texted about were her boys. I didn’t really have an issue with this, until I saw how much more effort she put in for these boys, while getting very flat effort in our friendship (through text and in person). It was close to the last straw for me when she sent over some screenshots during the week we were transitioning to WFH. In my mind, I was thinking “how could you possibly still be concentrating on ONLY boys during a time like this”. She tried to make convo with me (in an effort to be less self-absorbed) the next few days with very little effort or interest in the things I was saying. I then got annoyed when her boy toy messaged me directly and asked about how to make her happy. I felt like omg - i can’t escape her love life. I later tried to have a convo with her about this, but was met with little effort, victim playing, and avoidance. Anyway, I’m social distancing myself from her by muting all her stuff on social media and muting the group chat I was in with her and her sisters. I don’t plan to really answer her messages anymore. 

Pet Peeves commercials slow internet talking during a movie people that eat of off your plate line cutters pop out YouTube ads people who talk over you wobbly tables auto-correct scratching on a chalk board movie spoilers copycats no wifi jealous friends left on seen being ignored fake friends chewing people who sing out loud people spitting while they talk slow walkers hearing people pop their knuckles people that smoke

Quarantine | bold everything that you have done while being bored baked a new recipe tried your hand at art had a group face time call slept past 3 pm gardened went on a run finished a show in a week cleaned your room almost broke out of social isolation scrolled through your camera roll ran out of snacks started doing a new workout routine wore nothing but pj’s called the same person 3 times in a day spent too much money online shopping learned tiktok dances got paranoid about a cough or sneeze had a screen time above 8 hours slept into the afternoon wrote a song or poem cut your hair

In 2020 so far got into a relationship won an award got a new phone made a new friend got out of a toxic relationship removed toxic friends turned a year older passed drivers test gave birth welcomed a new family member moved houses moved to a different place traveled to another country made happy memories got into a sports team

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I’m an Aries I like popular things I often like stuff that people never heard of I’m lowkey a perfectionist I try to make others happy even when I’m hurting I’m a Taurus I prefer quiet and chill places I have ambition I know a lot of good music and tv shows I’m a Gemini I joke a lot as a coping mechanism I know everything about everyone but I always stay quiet I have a million ideas and things I want to do I’m a Cancer I have a lot of fictional ships I try to see everyone’s point of view I have logical intelligence I have emotional intelligence I’m a Leo People told me before that I give interesting replies when texting I’m hard to get to know I try my best I’m a Virgo I pretend I don’t care but I always care a lot I’m indecisive I’m determined I notice a LOT of things about a person just at first glance I’m a Libra I act clueless but I’m actually extremely smart I thrive on validation from the people I love I’m able to make anything pretty or fun I’m a Scorpio I contemplate the meaning of life often I’m super sensitive to my surrounding I relate to villains in media often I’m a Sagittarius I prefer creative over logical subjects I can talk about almost anything I put up with a lot but once I’m angered I go off hard I’m a Capricorn I use my passions to express my feelings I’m self-conscious I’m also self-assured at the same time I crave comfort and security I’m an Aquarius I’m skeptical I have weird beliefs I always check up on my friends I value intelligence and personality over appearance I’m a Pisces I spend too much time online I have super weird dreams I can sense fakeness and I strongly dislike it

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I’m smart I always know the latest news I always talk to my friends I’m tech-savvy I’m a perfectionist I love memes I stay up all night I want everyone to just chill I’m humorous I’m moody af I’m always bored I’m not bothered by the quarantine I re-watch series out of boredom I’m full of energy I’m annoying I love sugar I spam about my quarantine on social media I have a tiktok account I enjoy rainy weather I never work out I procrastinate a lot I’m really antisocial My hands are soft I want love and attention I’m chilling right now I’m innocent I don’t like watching the news I know someone named Sarah I know someone named Grace I know someone named Cody I know someone named Claire I know someone named Chloe I know someone named Joseph I know someone named Caden I know someone named Isaac I know someone named Bryan I know someone named Faith I know someone named Shannon I know someone named Anne I know someone named Ethan I know someone named Ashley I know someone named John I know someone named Russel I know someone named Megan I know someone named James

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I have pet turtles. I want a puppy. I’m listening to music. I think Justin Timberlake is weird… I wish I had ice-cream. I would like to see Madonna live. I use to be a Myspace whore. I hate Facebook. I live in an apartment. I’m letting my hair grow. I think everyone should have long hair. ^ even guys. I don’t have hardwood floors in my house. The fire alarm went off this week. I’m wearing sweatpants. I’m wearing a ring. I don’t own an iPod. I have an iPhone. ^ It’s pink! Nicki Minaj use to be better than she is now. I love Ariana Grande. I have a Twitter. I have a website. I’ve been called a hippie. My mom is my best friend. My dad and I are getting closer…. My parents are getting separated. I never been on a plane. I live with someone. ^ my boyfriend. I’ve been in a relationship for longer than a year. Going on 6 years to be exact. My parents keep asking me when I’ll get married. I don’t think I’ll have kids, ever. I’m a college student. I got a new job this year. I had pasta today. I had pizza today. I didn’t eat breakfast. Flo from the Progressive commercials doesn’t annoy me. I hate that commercial with the sad puppies on it… ^ I’ve been emotional and cried while it’s on…. I have 1 sister. I’ve had blonde hair. I’ve had highlighted hair. I’ve had red hair. I’ve had teal hair. I’m trying to get my natural hair color back.. My natural hair color is brown…. Eyebrows are VERY important. I haven’t got my haircut in like a year…. I have trust issues. Bolding surveys relax me. I own a survey taking blog. I want Chinese food. I wish I was Asian. I’m white.. I have brown eyes. I’m pale. ^ I like being pale. I have a blanket on. I currently getting over a cold. I can’t stand rude people. I live in a big city. I grew up in a small town. I like Amanda Bynes before & after she went crazy. I also love Lindsay Lohan. I love Lindsay Lohan - Rumors. I’m allergic to cats. I wanna go to zoo! I watched The Hunger Games movie this week. I don’t apologize unless I feel I need too. I hold grudges. I’m not very optimistic. “I made it through the wilderness…” ^ I know what song this is from. I wish I could live a day in opposite sex. Freaky Friday was a great movie. Titanic is one of my favorite movies. I always wanted my own heart of the ocean necklace. I have a Pandora bracelet. ^ I never wear it……. My favorite color is yellow. I hate red roses. I love avocados. Salads are great! People tell me I should be a model. ^ I think they are crazy. I use to have big dreams… ^ until reality kicked in. I don’t own anything Chanel. The Illuminati is real. ^ & they are watching us. Pickles are great! I hate pancakes. I hate half my family. I have bitches for aunts. I like to meditate. I sometimes feel like the Matrix is real… I still don’t understand how the world was created… I’m not very religious. ^ but I believe in Heaven. I wish I was an x-men. This survey is soo random. My favorite number is 3. I was born in March. I’ve never taken Molly. Mileys Cyrus is cool. I think Britney Spears seems sweet. Beyonce seems like a bitch… ^ so does Katy Perry. …..ugh Lady Gaga….. It’s raining right now. It’s night time right now. I don’t have to work tomorrow. I have no plans for tomorrow. I need to do laundry. I’m in-love. I don’t have any tattoos. I’ve never been to the gym. I smile at strangers. I have a lot of empty water bottles in my room.. I’ve probably going to take another survey. I’m wearing socks. My nails aren’t painted. It’s hot in my house right now. I love the band The Pretty Reckless. ^ I’ve met them! I kinda wanna cut my hair short. ^ but I know I will hate it a week later. I never been to a rave. I could be on Bad Girls Club. ^ because, I have a temper. I wannabe skinnier. I’m happy over all.

Reflection

i had a trip today.

not really, hehehehehehehe. i aint a druggie.

but i did do a lot of thinking while i was at work. and i mean, A LOT of thinking. especially concerning my relationship with andrew. if you’re reading this, please stop and wait until i post again tomorrow, haha. today is just a mind dump.

he’s been pretty uninterested lately and our conversations have, in turn, become pretty awkward. and i’m no saint either bc i’ve done the same to him a bunch of times. but i was wondering if we lost our “click”? and then i started overthinking the whole situation and was wondering if it was somehow my fault and how i was to blame. and it’s not. definitely not. if we lost our click, it’s on both of us for just drifting apart. and that’s actually not even our faults. it’s no one’s. it’s just life and us growing apart. and that’s okay. but then that made me really sad bc if i don’t have him, who do i have? at first i thought of jeanne but our relationship is so one sided and i dont want to have a best friend where i just vent to them all the time, y’know? i want to invest into them too and that’s what i have with him. and then i thought about marlena and while i am happy to be there for her, i imagined going home and how she’d react to my current circumstances. we bonded a lot over our mutual dislike of our families and now that i’m better with them, still not perfect but better, im afraid that our friendship will kind of die out as well. and plus, i was always nervous around her. not just because of her. it was because of everything. chicago, family, friends, everything. but that doesn’t change the fact that i relied heavily on media to bring us closer together instead of actually having intellectual debates with her. and that’s what i want to do and have. i LOVE exploring different philosophical questions and exploring different routes and i have that with andrew and im happy that i do. but then i thought, okay, even if i am overreacting, realistically speaking, how long are we actually going to stay friends? of course i am thrilled to have been his friend up until this point but we aren’t going to stay friends forever, right? probably? i don’t know but i’m assuming so. it’s just hard maintaining some friendships. and plus, i know that im guilty of gossip too but i felt really uncomfortable when he kept talking about other people the other night. i didn’t think it would bother me so much but it did. and i’m not entirely sure why. i think it just brings out that fear that if he gossips about them, then who’s to say he isn’t talking smack about me? :/ and i know he wouldn’t but i just can’t rid that feeling, y’know? and i tried to bring up zoey to join in on the smack down but even that, it didn’t feel right. and i take back what i said bc as much as i disliked her, i still want to understand her. i’m sure it was just an insecurity thing and i hope she finds her way soon.

anyway, i was also watching a video about personality and i know that i like mine but what happened to it? that’s kinda what prompted this entry today. i know i have a personality but i think it gets lost pretty often bc of my own insecurities. 

oh man, andrew just messaged me and i actually felt a quick sense of relief. we’re still friends. we’re okay. everything is fine. phew.

but yeah, i don’t know. i thought a lot about how to approach the situation and if we were just friends that told each other what we wanted to hear and while that’s true to some extent in terms of reassurance, i think we are on that level where we can tell each other the truth when it needs to be heard. and i’m not sure if i’m going to bring up the gossip thing or not bc i know i’m guilty too. and sometimes it just feels so good to say bad things about other people but in my heart, i know it’s not right. and my feelings in that moment reflected it too. i did feel uncomfortable. and i didn’t even like the people he disliked too. but it was just that fact. that concept. that idea. it wasn’t a good feeling. 

but who knows? right? :D

i guess we’re gonna hangout tonight and i’m actually really happy and relieved about that. 

y’know. 

more than being worried about us growing apart, i think i was just worried that i was starting to annoy him with my constant chatter. especially bc i was usually the one beginning conversations. i just didn’t want another one-sided friendship, y’know? they’re so toxic and emotionally draining.

OH, OH. LAST THING BEFORE I END TODAY’S JOURNAL.

i was thinking earlier, right? and i was wondering if it was my fault, etc etc

but on that note, i was wondering if i have chronic depression? or whatever the term is for a biological thing? bc i often have random moments when i’m just not in a mentally healthy place and i was wondering if it was from depression or if those moments were when i was actually being real with myself and being me? and all the other time i’m just putting up a face without even realizing it?maybe? i do want to do some research and see if my random moments have to do with some underlying depression, post trauma, general stress, anxiety, or whatever else it may be. i do want to understand myself a bit more and see what the root/underlying cause is. i think it would help me grow more as a person.

okay, this entry was longer than expected but i’m really happy i wrote it down. i had a lot of thoughts just swirling around in my head and they were just all getting jumbled up. but i think this helped me organize my thoughts a bit.

peace out tumblr. until next time.