I think something about me that confuses people is they don’t understand how I can simultaneously fully accept apart of myself while still hating it.

I accept that I’m a lesbian. But I hate the disconnect, bullying, loneliness, isolation and homophobia that comes along with it.

I accept that I’m a woman. But I hate the sexism, expectations and otherness I feel from other women around me.

I can accept something while still being upset that it’s so.

I think that’s why I’ve always had a little bit of an issue with the whole “pick whatever label makes you feel good” mindset. Because I can pick straight or bisexual as much as I want - that doesn’t mean it’s the case. I’m a lesbian - if I want it or not that’s what I am. And yeah, I don’t like it a lot. There are days where I hate it. But that’s just what I am. And I accept that. I just don’t always feel a lot of joy about it.

《 introduction 》

— hello!! this is my intro (repost) that I redid cuz I changed my layout.

about me:

-@chronicallynarcissistic is my sideblog that only posts abt npd and @narccomships is my comship sideblog and @un1vers4l is my lgbtq acc

-minor

-they/he, xe/xem, xyr/xyrs, xi/xis, mew/mews, alien/aliens, cat/catself, all prns. NO SHE/HER

-cat/wolf therian and alien otherkin

-npd, ocd, audhd, anxiety, some random unknown tic disorder, memory loss, APD (auditory processing disorder) and cptsd (and frequent self-aware delusions)

-I’m also a self-dx system (OSDD-1a) but not to fret, I have done research for years and I also am pretty sure I’m not an endo since my abuse started way before 9-10. also the psych people are shit so bleh. I’m still gonna use first person singular since um.. I’ve just now acknowledged this. I’ll try plural.

-alters are tea (🍵), finn (🕊️), eli (🌿) and zai (holder or body I guess?? 🌈) but I will probably not know who is fronting. KMS

-tea is 14, finn is 19, eli is 16 and zai won’t be specified since this is the holder who wouldn’t like their age revealed ! bodily minor. search #alter intro in my search bar on my profile to see the better intro for them.

-we’re bi/monoconscious. a lot of times it feels like we turn into our alters rather than switch, but sometimes we actually switch.

-endos are also allowed

-sorta objectum

-selfship, proship, darkship, comship

-selective mutism

-atheistic satanist & feminist

-chronic pain </3

-literally every gender and sexuality except binary girl. so like omnigender genderfaunet

dni: p3dophiles, zoos, homophobes, racists, people who think pronouns = gender, transphobes, trans exclusionists, people who think lesbianism is strictly wlw and nmlnm (we can’t say gender is a construct then have strict rules for sexuality), people who harass others for fiction, anti-mspec and anti-mogai, radfem/terfs, anti-pro/com/darkship, people who hate on anyone with demonized disorders (pds), pro-contact paras, RADFEM DNI 100%

Hi, Ben!  Hope your day is going well so far!  I’m going to try and keep this as short as possible, because I’m running errands right now, and am likely using up crazy amounts of data.  😅

I just wanted to say that I love your tangents/essays/whatever, and for another example for Noah and ADHD, I’m pretty sure the scene from 3B where he drops Stiles off at Eichen is the closest we ever see to him getting flail-y  like Stiles does (at least as best I remember, it’s been a WHILE since I saw that episode.)  He very much DOES NOT WANT to leave his kid there, and I think it sort of overrides his normal control methods for that sort of thing.

And that is an excellent point about using alcohol to control symptoms, but I’ve also thought it might have been a really unfortunate coping mechanism if what started happening with Claudia and Stiles triggered his own un-dealt-with trauma from what happened with his dad.  (Because neither the Army nor the police force are places known for endorsing much in the way of therapy, particularly at the time he would have first joined.)

Also, since the only person to specifically define their sexuality is Scott (“I like girls, Coach.”), I feel like everyone else’s is fair game to interpret as you wish.  (I have lots more thoughts on all of this, but it’s getting longer than I meant to already.)

Hope everything is going well.  Just so you know, your comment on the Lou Begs post almost made me inhale soda before your tags made it come out my nose.  So thanks for that experience.  😂  May try to write more later.  Take care!  *Hugs!*

It’s actually been really quiet, and my hyperfocus was so strong that I haven’t had any bad thoughts all day. So I’d say today was a win! :)

Hope your day is going well too and that your errands aren’t giving you much trouble <3

My ramblings? Yeah, I’m glad you like them. I’m very proud of all three of them actually. I feel like I accomplished something even though it was mostly just working out my own headcanons and rambling on about them. I’m especially proud of my Noah post.

And HOLY SHIT you are right. Now the scene where Noah and Stiles are in Eichen house? That is clearly framed as what Noah sees/hears while he’s there. We hear how much he hears, we see him fidget, the overwhelming sounds. Now part of that will be the underlying trauma and uncertainty and the feeling that he is abandoning Stiles right then and there. But it also clearly shows that Noah doesn’t know how to filter, that he has problems with auditory processing. That he forgets things (The Pillow! You can’t sleep without it!). He’s fidgeting with his pen, in his seat, he’s uncomfortable, in uncertain terrain and I think this is the first time we actually see Noah.

Not the sheriff. Not dad. We see Noah Stilinski and what he is like without his filters or training. This is the adult that doesn’t know how to regulate or cope.

That hand does not stop twitching throughout this scene. And he keeps looking over his shoulder, fidgeting, distracted by the sounds around him.

And a little bit later, after he can’t focus on the paper in front of him that he’s supposed to be filling in and the buzzing in the hall keeps distracting him. He says: “I keep feeling we’re forgetting something.”

Like this is the face of a man who’s completely overwhelmed and out of his element. Trying to desperately cling to what he’s forgetting in an attempt to keep the pulsing of his body and the overwhelming feeling of dread under control.

The realization: Your pillow. We’re forgetting your pillow.

Also notice that Stiles, while possessed by the Nogitsune is completely calm and still to further drive home the fact that the sheriff is showing his true nature and unravelling at the seams.

And we finally arrive at desperation. At an inability to cope with everything going on. This is what ADHD in adults can look like when faced with something unknown or what they perceive as impossible. I’ve seen my adult ADHD friends pull this face too when their brains just wouldn’t cooperate any more. I’ve pulled this face. It’s an inability of the brain to move on and you keep getting stuck at the thing you’re focusing on. On the thing that’s missing. In this case, the pillow.

This is sensory overstimulation. It’s all too much. He can no longer distinguish sounds. The rattling of coins, the buzzer, the pillow, Stiles who’s telling him it can wait (understandably). It’s all too much and Noah snaps in the next instant.

And you are absolutely right about the alcohol not just being a coping mechanism for his symptoms. And I absolutely didn’t want to make it seem that way. Let me rectify that by saying; Noah Stilinski’s alcoholism is caused by several comorbidities including ADHD, CPTSD, and grief. It definitely does not have a single cause. But I do believe that his ADHD and our higher addiction rates to alcohol, drugs, fast food (another one of his vices), and other substances or vices were a contributing factor to it. As we can’t make our own dopamine and in order to get just a little, we turn to other methods far more frequent than those without ADHD.

I also think you’re right in terms of the Police acadamy/Army not doing much in terms of therapy, so he probably got that by doing it himself. Because I do believe he must have had some, considering he does seem to have coping skills and ways to manage his symptoms. I like to think he got it after he got away from Elias and maybe once he started working as a deputy? Food for thought.

And I was kinda hoping I was funny on that one, but good to know I accomplished the soda out of nose trick. That makes me smile. (Although I do hope you’re okay, my friend.)

Take care! <3

Lots of hugs from me and Mo.

1090.

Can you say you are fully happy right now? >> Some surveys have such standard and generic questions that I can’t rightly tell if I’ve already taken it. This is one of those, and because it’s so long I’m hoping to god I don’t get to the middle of it and be like “oh. I did this literally last week” lmao. Fingers crossed. I don’t know what “fully happy” means. I took my walk like I promised myself, and I made an offering and am now drinking it (it’s delicious, a dessert stout called Big Luscious), so I’m on track for how I wanted my day to go. And I’m not triggered or having any kind of episode, so I’m okay there. Which means I am currently stable, which is a great place to be (considering the alternatives).

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? >> It’s possible, I guess.

Is there someone who stopped talking to you for no reason? >> I mean, probably, at some point. Ghosting is a common thing these days, for some reason.

Did you ever get called horrible names like (whore, skank, bitch)? >> Sure.

Where did you sleep last night? >> In my bed.

Ever slow danced with anyone? >> Yes, outworld and Inworld. Inworld is obviously the best, though. ~

Ever cried in public? >> Yes. Privacy and solitude was a rarity and a luxury for most of my life, so I had no real choice.

Ever feel safe in someone’s arms? >> Inworld, yes. I don’t know what that’s like outworld.

What would you do if you were pregnant? >> Die.

Are you afraid of letting anyone in? >> So, I have disordered attachment, am a product of CEN and CSA, and have resultant CPTSD. You do the math. (*makes some kind of joke about how it’s probably gonna be algebra because of all the acronyms--*)

Do you like cuddling? >> I love it Inworld. It basically gets me through everything. I would basically remain glued to Can Calah at all times if I could (and on some bad days, I do). Outworld is a completely different story because of the things mentioned just above.

Ever cry in school? >> I’m sure I have.

Who is the last person to send you a message on facebook? >> Probably Casey, like a month and a half ago.

Do you look decent when you wake up? >> Why am I paying attention to how I look when I wake up? I’m in bed. Who the fuck am I performing for? -___-’

Have you ever been given roses? >> No.

Had a long distance relationship? >> Yes.

Does it bother you when people never answer their cell phones? >> Why would that bother me? I am also one of those people. Oh, I guess you mean, like... I call a person, they never answer... hah, as if I would ever call a person. This is totally outside my experience.

Do you care what happens in politics/your government? >> I mean... here’s the thing. I care in the sense that I’m not totally disconnected from the effects of politics on people like me. But the realm of politics, specifically, is so alien to me that I have no idea what to do about it except halfheartedly vote and hope for the best? I don’t know how much more I’m supposed to care. I hate the political system, period, I want nothing to do with it. People assume that anyone that feels that way must be privileged and unaffected by politics, but I guess their shortsightedness about how different people can experience and feel about things is not my problem.

Ever been called babe/baby? >> Sparrow says “babe”.

Have you ever witnessed someone else engaging in a sexual act (not necessarily sex)? >> Yes.

Where did you get drunk last? >> I don’t remember. I don’t get drunk anymore, I just like to drink a beverage and enjoy the taste and slight buzz. Like right now, it’ll probably take me the next hour or two to finish this stout, but that’s the way I like to drink. Slowly and comfortably.

What’s your relationship with the last person you texted? >> I’m married to her.

If someone went through your pictures, would they find a dirty one? >> Nope. The only time I ever took nudes was just for the fun of it, not to be sexual or anything. Just enjoying having a human body (god, I wish that were me now...). But that was a long time ago and none of those photos are available anywhere anymore.

Do you want to see anyone right now? >> No.

Have you ever fell asleep in someone’s arms? >> Inworld, yes. Outworld, no.

How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night? >> About a half-hour after laying down, usually. Some nights a little longer, but then I just catch up on my reading.

How many pillows are on your bed >> Two.

When’s the last time you cried? >> Yesterday.

Is it cute when a guy buys you flowers? >> I mean, I’d require more context than that. If I’m friends with a guy and he’s like “I saw these flowers and thought of you!” that’d be adorable. I do love flowers, thanks for thinking of me! Also, I’ll probably use them as an offering, so double win. If some random guy sent me flowers, I’d be a bit disturbed and put-off.

Will things change in the next month? >> I mean, yes. That’s how it works.

How did you do on the last test you took? >> ---

Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t? >> I mean, yeah. Are you afraid to grow up? >> ---

Are you busy tomorrow? >> Probably not, unless something really unpredictable and abnormal happens. I might be plenty busy playing FFXIV, though, considering I can’t today because it’s patch day.

How long have you had the shirt you’re wearing? >> It’s an undershirt, idk how long I’ve had it.

Do you give out second chances way too easily? >> Er, I assume not? I’m not usually in this kind of situation.

Has anyone told you that you’re amazing? >> Yes.

How many black shirts do you own? >> Like 15. For reference, I own like 20 shirts total.

Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now? >> I don’t see why I wouldn’t be. A lot of weird and sudden shit would have to happen to change that.

How come you’re not going out with the person you like? >> ---

When you feel cold does eating warm food help you feel warm? >> I don’t know. I do feel warmer after eating, just in general, probably because of the blood moving around to start digestion.

Do you want to diet? >> No. No I fucking do not. Don’t even suggest that to me.

Are you unsure about your feelings for someone? >> I’m not unsure about my feelings for anyone. I know how I feel about people. It’s other people whose feelings are a complete mystery to me.

Who did you last hang out with? >> Sparrow, because we live together.

Would you take $40,000 or a brand new car? >> I mean, obviously the money, since I can’t drive and don’t want to...

What song are you currently listening to? >> None.

Are you happy with your relationship? >> It’s fine.

Who was the last person to smoke something other than a cigarette or weed in front of you? >> Other than a cigarette or weed?? So, like... crack???? I really couldn’t say. It’d be years ago.

Does anything on your body hurt? >> Not right now.

If the last person you kissed were calling you right now, would you answer? >> I would, because if she’s calling me, then it must be a real ass emergency. Or probably like an EMT using her phone to find an emergency contact. So yeah, I’d answer. One of the very rare times I’d answer my phone.

In the run of a week, how many times do you straighten your hair? >> ---

Are you mad at someone right now? >> Nope.

Last thing someone gave you? >> I don’t remember.

Who woke you up this morning? >> Just me, naturally.

Who is your favorite family member on your mom’s side? >> ---

What do you do in your spare time? >> All my time is "spare” time, by other people’s standards, so, uh...

Who was the last person you were under a blanket with? >> Just Can Calah. :B

Where is the last person you kissed? >> Inworld.

What was the last thing you ate? >> Veggie burger and chips, breakfast. I’ll probably grab some lunch and queue up a movie after this.

Which of your friends is the most likely to get pregnant right now? >> ---

Do you remember the meanest thing the last person you kissed ever said to you? >> I don’t think she’s said anything particularly vicious to me. Just... kind of thoughtless things, I guess, earlier on.

What does your last outgoing text say? >> It was a link to a TikTok of a cute dog.

Have you ever been called prince/ princess? >> No.

Waiting for something? >> No. Well, the Dinnerly box, which is gonna get here eventually and which I’ll have to go downstairs to retrieve and then unpack.

Have you kissed anyone when you’re single? >> Yes.

What are you doing this weekend? >> I imagine the same things we do every other weekend in these COVID times.

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette? >> I imagine so.

Have you ever kissed someone who was in a relationship? >> Yeah. Where is your biological father right now? >> ---

Where is the biggest scar on your body? >> Probably the one on my face. How late did you stay up last night? >> Not very. I think I went to sleep shortly after 11. Have you had your birthday this year yet? >> Yeah, in May. You had to kiss the last person you texted, would you? >> I mean, I have. What would you call your body type? >> I don’t want to call it anything. Are you a morning person? >> Yes. Have you ever been to Target? >> Yes, many times. Do you like iced coffee? >> It’s okay. When is the next time you’ll be at work? >> --- Has anyone ever hacked your accounts before? >> Not that I can recall. Could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart? >> Probably not. I take that kind of shit super fucking hard. Ever made a prank phone call? >> No. Does your mom vacuum early in the morning, when you’re sleeping? >> --- Have you ever been in a car accident? >> No.

Have you ever been in a fist fight with someone? >> Yes.

Have you ever seriously hurt anyone by mistake? >> Physically? I assume not. Have you ever had stitches? >> Yes. Name a time when you had to be strong. >> Like... all the time? I don’t really know how to answer this. Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting or any kind of abuse at home? >> The first two, no, because my parents were not together. The third, yes. Have you ever lost someone close to death? if so, how many? >> Once. Have you ever had any volunteer jobs? >> No. Have you gone through a lot emotionally growing up? >> Obviously. Has a boy/girl ever cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend for you? >> I really would not want anyone to do that. Anyone that can disrespect the rules of their current relationship so flagrantly is going to disrespect me next. Also, that’s a messed up thing to do to the third party, too. Do you want to see someone this very minute? >> Not especially. Unless it’s D. :)

Are you happy with the way things are going? >> Some things, sure. Are you a forgiving person? >> Sometimes, I guess. It’s not what I’d call a character trait of mine, though. Do you have to check in with your parents before you go someplace? >> --- Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? >> --- Describe how you feel about your life in the past month using one word: >> I cannot do that. Would you like to go back and change any part of your life? >> I mean, I don’t know. I am who I am, and that’s because of what I’ve experienced. I don’t know who I’d be otherwise, and I do like myself and I want to continue being myself, so... I have to take the bitter with the... less bitter. When will your next kiss be? >> I don’t know, whenever I want it to be. Last person you saw other than your family? >> --- Will tomorrow be better than today? >> I mean, today was pretty okay, so if tomorrow’s even better than today, boy howdy. Are you feeling guilty about anything right now? >> No. What’s going through your mind right now? >> I’m just taking this survey, dude. That’s all I’m thinking about. When’s the last time you had fast food? >> Day before Thanksgiving. Do you believe that there’s good in everybody? >> I mean, I guess, if we have to put it that way. I just think that people are largely alike, and that if I can see the “shadow self” in me and everyone that is capable of many of the evils of the world, then I don’t see why I can’t also see the “higher self” in me and everyone that is capable of the beautiful things that people do for and with each other. These divisions always make me twitch a little because I think making it a dichotomy misses the real point a bit, but I haven’t run into better words for this yet so I’m doing my best with what I’ve got. Is it okay if you kiss people when you’re single? >> ... When was the last time you saw someone attractive? >> I mean, I can see Can Calah or King Crimson whenever I want. :B What was the first thing you did when you woke up? >> Probably reached for my phone to see what time it was. Think back eight months ago, were you single? >> No. What do you carry with you at all times? >> Myself :) Are you okay with the life you live? >> I’m okay with a lot of it. Way more okay with the lives I’ve had to lead before.

Do you have a Tattoo? >> Yes. What other piercings would you get other than the ones you already have? >> I’m not sure. I haven’t really thought about it because I’ve been so focused on tattoos in recent times. I’d just rather have ink. Did your last kiss take place on a bed? >> Probably. Have you ever been to Disney World? >> No. If so, how many times have you been? >> --- Does grammar and capitalization mean anything to you? >> Meh. Like, here’s the thing -- even if I don’t capitalise proper nouns or use dialect grammar as opposed to “proper” (don’t get me started on the connotations of that term) grammar, I can still be understood. And that’s the whole fucking point. I use the social standard for grammar and capitalisation when it’s necessary, and for some reason I’ve been taking surveys with the social standard of English for so long that it’s a habit by now, but I’m not obsessed with it. I love being able to code-switch and I love using vernacular and I love “Internet dialect/grammar” and all of that. Language in all its forms, unrestrained, is just so. fucking. cool. Are you good at wrapping gifts for others? >> Sure, I like the orderly origami-like process of wrapping. Do you have a dirty clothes hamper in your room? >> No, it’s in Sparrow’s (bigger) room. Do you enjoy big holiday dinners? >> I enjoy big dinners and small dinners. I assume by “big” you mean “lots of food”, not... “big” as in “lots of people”, because that I do not enjoy. Is your vision good? >> Yes. Is your present hair color, natural? >> Yes. What was the last thing you ordered online? >> A crystal. Fuck, that reminds me, I gotta poke around on Etsy for some stocking stuffer type gifts.   Have you ever worn color contacts? >> Yes, quite often back in the day. If you have a significant other, how long have you been together? >> Almost nine years or something, idk. I’m bad at time math. Where are your parents as of now? >> --- Do you follow a certain religion? >> No. Do you have any family members who live out of town? >> --- Do you consider yourself short? >> Not really. What room are you in? >> Mine. Do you listen to any country music? >> Sure. Do you ever watch Lifetime? >> No. I don’t have cable, but I wouldn’t watch Lifetime even if I did. Would ever consider having children in the future? >> Probably not. Have you ever lived on a farm? >> No. Do both of your parents have jobs? >> --- If you had the chance to move to a completely different state, would you? >> Yes. What is something you’ve always wanted a boy to do for you? >> Clean my house. IDK, lol. What do you wish you had more knowledge about? >> Oh, stuff. What food are you craving right now? >> I’m not craving anything, even though it’s lunchtime. I have no idea what I want to eat. ...Hmm, egg, rice, and roasted veggies sounds really good but idk if I want to make eggs right now... How old were you when you stopped believing in Santa? >> I never was told about him. I kind of vaguely knew he existed from just... cultural saturation, or whatever, but yeah. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? >> A lot. Do you have a friend you can tell stuff to and you’re sure they won’t tell? >> --- Would you ever get someone’s name tattooed on you? >> You know, every time I see this question I totally fucking forget that I already have a person’s name tattooed on me. My X-Files tattoo that matches with Sparrow’s says “scully, it’s me”. Scully is a name lmaoooo So, yeah, I guess the answer is yes.

Does your family have family picnics? >> --- If your doctor said you were pregnant, what would you say? >> “That’s not a funny joke, so please stop”, I mean, what else would I say? That’s literally impossible so the doctor must be trying to pull a funny. A really fucking bad one, too.

Having side of past trauma can be so exhausting.

Like my heart beating so hard it’s jumping out from my chest. This was caused by heart ache when no one believed me about the rape and the abuse. It’s also from when I was in love with the singer from that band and everyone again didn’t believe me I caused hurt for a lot of people. That wasn’t even my fault. Again, when my ex hurt me, abused me and told everyone my sexual fantacys. From when I was alone at college and I had no friends, I did music school with no friends. That was hard, everyone tried to blame me for people doing drugs, but my teachers stood up for me and said she never touched them. That hurt, I was trying to be the best person I can be.

Feeling scared all the time. That was when I was attacked multiple times by my family, going into my bedroom shouting at me for no reason. My mother did that and she encouraged the whole family to do the same, I felt like crap. When I went over to see my dads family, all of his family would beat me up and say I’m a failure. Then my blood dad watching me while I was on the toilet and raped me because he liked me 🤮.

I hate crying in-front of people because my blood dad and his brother would beat me to the point I stopped crying. After that, I lost all feeling in my face. Now if someone punches me or slaps me, I don’t feel a thing. I just look at them, dead straight in the face and say “that didn’t even hurt” and my face wouldn’t show any red mark or bruising. Then they would shout at me and call me weird, not my fault I got beaten up daily as a child.

The constant anxiety and fear of meeting new people because I know they would hate me for no reason. I used to please everyone, but I stopped doing it now.

These are just some of the feelings I get nearly everyday. CPTSD honestly cripples me and that’s why I can’t get a job, I would have interviews but the minute they hear I take private therapy, they say I’m mentally ill. Which I know I am.

Just some of the things I suffer everyday. I fucking hate having cptsd, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

My aunt is in therapy after being in "remission" from a "chemical imbalance" for about 20 yrs. She started to relapse and meds weren't working as well this time. She's now learning that the real issue was sexual abuse that she never saw as such. She's almost 50 yrs old. Is this very common? She's diagnosed w/cptsd. She doesn't have total recall, but bits and pieces are starting to surface and explain a lot about her past and current struggles. Any advice re how best to support her?

Yes, needing to process early life trauma later in life is common. I’m glad she has support and is seeing a therapist. My advice is the same as this ask I posted earlier (posted after you sent me this ask so you wouldn’t have seen it), which is to talk to her about what kind of support works best for her.

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i really admire bi people and nb people who just let themselves follow what theyre feeling and find that freeing

but for me idk how to say this in a way that makes sense bc idk what counts as real and what doesnt and i dont want to have to care but like... bc of a big mess of cptsd stuff/trauma/autistic stuff/etc/etc just letting myself go with the nagging voice thats like ‘if you really wanted to you could just do whatever and vocalize attraction to people regardless of their gender’ isn’t actually helpful at all because while for me in a perfect world i wouldn’t put nearly any of this thought into sexuality stuff the thing is the idea of being with men is so actively upsetting to me that it feels ridiculous to jump from ‘what really makes attraction Real or not sometimes i can tell men are attractive’ to ‘because of that i will allow myself to enjoy and think more than a passing thought about attraction to men’

like i know this sounds unhealthy or whatever to a lot of people probably but for me personally asserting my boundaries by acknowledging i’m only comfortable in enjoying relationships with and attraction to women even if that means consciously not entertaining possibilities outside of that is so much better for me than the alternative

like i guess maybe between intrusive thoughts stuff and thinking in an ideal world like. gender wouldn’t exist really anyway so the fact that i see my sexuality as very much constructed by the society i live in and my own personal experiences and how of course because of that i’ll be a bit distressed no matter what but i don’t owe people everyday that thought process or trauma backstory or anything, then what really is my ideal within the bounds this world currently has than to be a lesbian. i guess its a bit of a conscious self restriction at this point in my life but its overall positive as a boundary that helps me make it day to day in a world unaccommodating of me

i’m really sleep deprive right now so i have no idea how shittily this is worded or not idk/idc really

💴 Character Sheet 💴

Tagged by @east--moon​ ty angel!!

Tagging: @futurepop @gangofgeniuses (for maxell) @airxn (for xavier) @softestmood @maternalmelancholy @metuere @braxdaekko (for noah or whoever tbh!!) @saturnrang (for rosie) @sharkapologlst @pcuvcirs (for taehyung) & SORRY IF U WERE ALREADY TAGGED also just do it and say i tagged u (; ok thanks luv u

𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐬 !

FULL NAME. taketora sasagawa NICKNAME. u all know him.... u all "love” him....... as AKACHAN!!!!!! (also known as crakachan) GENDER. male HEIGHT. 5′4″ AGE. 30 (HE’S 31 IN 9 DAYS THOUGH QUEUE THOSE BDAY STARTERS) ZODIAC. leo, like his dad (me) SPOKEN LANGUAGES. japanese, english, tagalog, mandarin, filipino

𝐩𝐡𝐲𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬 !

HAIR COLOUR. black EYE COLOUR. dark dark brown, almost black SKIN. he’s pretty tan, kind of amberish, and he has a lot of freckles and moles scattered over his body though they’re p hard to see given the INK BODY TYPE. malnourished DOMINANT HAND. as if akachan’s ever picked up a pencil before..... he shoots with his right hand POSTURE/BODY LANGUAGE. always holds himself with this degree of smugness and self-importance, has a neat and stern kind of walk. it’s almost militaristic, even though you’d expect a more sleazy kinda gait from a gangster. TATTOOS. full body irezumi of a snake, you know the drill.....

MOST NOTICEABLE FEATURE(S) - there’s quite a bit tbh... he has pouty lips, his slicked back hair, the tattoo, a gold tooth (& grill), a missing pinky joint on his left hand, high cheekbones

𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝 !

PLACE OF BIRTH. dotonbori, osaka, japan HOMETOWN. susukino & sapporo, hokkaido, japan SIBLINGS. none PARENTS. two yet to be named parents, now since estranged from. his mother was a geisha in the 40s and 50s.

𝐚𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 !

OCCUPATION. sex trafficker working for the takagi family, a subsidiary of the kodo-kai, a yamaguchi-gumi syndicate  CURRENT RESIDENCE. since all y’all play AMERICANS he’s been around new york and hawaii a lot, but he’s there on a year-long work trip or smth idk. he mainly lives in a dope rented-out pad in a high rise in susukino, a red light district. CLOSE FRIENDS. his oyabun, sugiyama takagi. his underling, a chill 20 year old named yuki. his best friend and future lover, shichiro ueno, is a salaryman from hokkaido that used to frequent some of the kyaba he co-owned. he’s a nice guy. RELATIONSHIP STATUS. single, but around age 33 he becomes exclusive to shichiro until his death. FINANCIAL STATUS. wealthy. he’s a sex trafficker, after all. DRIVER’S LICENSE. doesn’t have one but he sure loves flexing his testarossa. CRIMINAL RECORD. although he has a plethora of crimes he could be indicted for, the only official charges he’s had were from his pre-yakuza days as a thief. petty robbery and breaking and entering. but now the yakuza ensures his protection. he has been indicted for running a gambling ring--a charge that obviously doesn’t fit him, because my motherfucker ain’t bakuto. he took the fall for his oyabun, and did his time for him, despite police attempting to torture the truth out of him and let sugiyama pay for his crimes. akachan wouldn’t rat out his boss, tho, and was released after three months.

𝐬𝐞𝐱 & 𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 !

SEXUAL ORIENTATION. homosexual PREFERRED SEXUAL ROLE.    submissive  | dominant |  switch | top | bottom LIBIDO. he can get it up for the right person. the amphetamine use doesn’t let him get hard sometimes, though. he’s not as thirsty as you might expect, he has pretty high standards and actually cares abt chemistry....... TURN ONS. he likes guys that are bigger than him but are bottoms, especially if they’re soft. he likes businessmen and probably has a suit kink... he likes sloppy jav kissing too ew TURN OFFS. people being too doting/parental/patronizing. he doesn’t like being talked down to or petted or whatever. RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES. he has never had a real relationship before, and will only ever be in love with one man in his lifetime. however, he tends to be a pretty good time if you’re lookin for a fling or a week-night-stand or smth but he’s never gotten serious or loyal

𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬  !

HOBBIES TO PASS TIME. he enjoys karaoke, gambling, spending time with shichiro, doing amphetamines and cocaine, shopping for overpriced, tacky jewelry and clothing, wrestling, and swimming. he is a huge fan of amusement parks and collects anything that induces natsukashii, like children’s games and toys. he loves sanrio MENTAL ILLNESSES. cptsd, but he’s never going to have it diagnosed or acknowledge it PHYSICAL ILLNESSES. he has a crippling amphetamine addiction but he recovers from it sometime in his forties LEFT OR RIGHT BRAINED. what PHOBIAS. not really a phobia but he finds maternal figures uncomfortable to be around, and he kind of freaks out seeing a young boy around their mother. he’s scared of losing sugiyama.

Trauma with drugs and smoking?

When I was a teenager my old cousin (who was like 30 - and not like my cousin cousin , she was my uncle’s new partners daughter from a previous marriage) was very awful to me. Isolated me from my family by telling me they didn’t love and that my mum only liked me because I gave her my money, said my sister would turn out to be a drop out slut and it would be my fault , would smoke a lot near me so I had to stay out later so I wouldn’t come home smelling like cigarettes etc etc.

And the lgbt group that I was apart of when I was in high school is where a lot of (though obviously not all) of my CPTSD/PTSD comes from with my sexuality and like 90% of the people in that group did drugs. (As did my cousin)

Obviously I don’t say anything rude or mean to people who partake in that stuff. That’s their life. And I’m a lot better at handling it in small dosages now. But it’s just something I can’t be around a lot of at the moment. Brings up some memories and just makes me uncomfortable. So I feel like it would be bad to date some that does it. Because that either leads me to being uncomfortable all the time it them having to give up something they either aren’t ready to give up or enjoy for me and I don’t want to be that type of person. You know lol.

Though I would be absolutely fine with dating someone who used to do that stuff or was currently in the process of trying to quit or recover. And I’d try my best to be as supportive and understanding and helpful as I could.

But yeah that’s what I meant

I hope you have a nice day! 🌻

what's even the difference between bpd and cptsd???

Hello anon! I’m going to try and explain it the best I can but I’m not a mental health professional so I might not get everything right. I can also only go off what’s been explained to me.

So CPTSD is Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It’s a reaction to ongoing traumatic experiences of a similar nature. Some symptoms can include flashbacks, severe anxiety, difficultly controlling emotions, difficultly with relationships, depersonalisation from trauma (like oh I’m affected by this, but this didn’t actually happen to me, it didn’t feel like it happened to me it felt like I was watching it happen to a character or something) etc. It’s kind like the fight or flight response on dial 10. It’s an ongoing reaction to trauma and your bodies way of dealing with those emotions and events. It normally occurs via a trauma where you felt your life was being threatened (eg war trauma, sexual assault etc) or where your perosnhood and emotional safety is being threatened (eg bullying , emotionally abusive household etc). C-PTSD is also commonly referred to as complex trauma , because sometimes other mental illnesses can get inflamed or come about as a reaction to said cptsd. They say that typically C-PTSD mainly comes from childhood trauma as well, but the psychologists I’ve seen tend to group teenage years into that. I’m not sure if others do or not as well, that’s just what mine have done.

BPD (Bordeline Personality Disorder) is similar in the sense that is involves difficulty regulating emotions, isolation self harm etc. it’s also important to remember that with most mental illnesses there can be a lot of cross over. And also a lot of symptoms will be things that people even without mental illnesses will go through - the thing that seperates mentally ill people from those who don’t have it is the consistency and servarity of the symptoms. You can have both cptsd and BPD but it’s important to note that there are crossovers with other illnesses as well.

The main reason Psycologist A believes I have BPD is because of my extreme and fluctuating emotions as well as my self harming, self destructive behaviour my self image and my inability to form healthy relationships I’m comfortable in. While in most aspects of my life I try to have an open mind I am in actuality very rigid and black and white in a lot of my thinking, especially when it comes to relationships, which is a key sign of BPD.

My psychologist today, psychologist B explained to me also how BPD and cptsd are sort of the same line/ spectrum of dissassoction (the lowest point there being daydreaming (which is something everyone does) to the high end being DID which is a response to childhood trauma). She explained that cptsd can move and develop into also having BPD but she explained that I don’t seem to be like her other BPD patients so she is unsure if I have it and is more convinced I just have C-PTSD , where as psychologist A is still unsure of if my trauma is really trauma in her eyes because from her experience what I’ve gone through with my sexuality isn’t what is she would call traumatic. But psychologist B has a gay son, so she understands more of what I mean in that regard and agrees that it’s trauma and says I fit the criteria for having CPTSD.

But in saying that I’ve also have psychiatrists in the past that have said yes you have cptsd but not BPD but I’ve also had some saying you have BPD but not cptsd and when I was in hospital the clinical psychologist said I could have both but she wouldn’t have enough time to work with me to know for sure.

The hard thing about diagnosing mental illnesses is everyone has a different option everyone is trained in different ways. It’s normal to have multiple people say you have different things.

I hope this helped a bit! But again, I’m not a medical professional so please take what I say lightly because I could be misinformed in some areas. I’m just going off what I’ve been told and shown :)

I hope you have a great day!!

I saw that you said earlier that you are one of the things that make you happy. Can you elaborate on that? Im struggling to love myself and if youve figured it out id appreiate some guidance

Hey anon I think it’s cool you reached out to me! If you wanna come off anon feel free too. I totally have to go to sleep after this though. I might ramble so Bear With Me !I’m not sure if I can say I love myself? I’m majorly working on it and I think I WILL get there someday. But it’s definitely a process. Just like, two years ago, I couldn’t even tolerate myself. I genuinely felt, for whatever reason, I was the ugliest human alive. I didn’t think I was good deep down, I couldn’t forgive myself for having the nerve to even exist.But I had a lot of reason to feel that way. I’m manic depressive and desperately in need of psychiatric help, and haven’t received any in YEARS. I’m diagnosed with ptsd from sexual assault and am beginning to wonder if cptsd from being in a very long term relationship with someone I consider a monster is possible. I’ve been homeless for 6 conglomerate months of my high school years. I’ve gone through a lot in my life, I’m only 18. Even when I was an early teen I would get told all the time that I seemed way older than I actually am. I’ve managed to live several lifetimes in just 18 years. I have danced with the devil, repeatedly. My soul is absolutely rittled with wounds BUT. That’s why I love myself. I should, and have every right to be, jaded, cynical, and suspicious of others. I’m not naive or even innocent. but. but. I am extremely optimistic. I strive everyday to be the kindest version of myself possible. I go to school with people who are so cynical and distrusting of others but I still see the good in people and that’s something I spend a lot of time focusing on. I’m not saying people who are jaded or distrusting are bad people- I understand where their coming from and I respect their feelings. I’m just speaking for myself and the way I’ve trained myself to view the world. I love myself by being kind to others, by spreading happiness. It’s the only thing that seems to work. I wasn’t born a good person, I was given the choice between becoming one or wilting and dying. I also spend a lot of time working on my own individual aesthetic both irl and online. Having my own brand that I love helps me because it’s an extension of myself, and it makes me feel special. Additionally, I’m also an extension of my favorite bands, shows, podcasts, etc… so if I love them then I should love myself too. Making a Pinterest helped me explore facets of myself, everything is on that website! I also try to control negative talk towards myself- if I wouldn’t say it to my friends, I don’t say it to myself.Also, I’m really cute. My hair has it’s own personality, I love my big mouth, my crooked lips, my widows peak, my hip dips, my nice collar bones, my smile. I wish I realized that sooner. I’m not gonna pretend like it’s easy, because it’s literally not. I’ve never fought so hard for anything ever and I still have days where these thoughts are so far away it’s laughable. But I’ve made so much progress I never thought was possible.

the other day S reached out of me out of the blue to ask about what happened during the retreat. kinda caught me off guard. also, I remember S was a toxic friend to the point where i knew i had to end it, but I think I blacked out whatever it was that she did due to (other) trauma. i literally don’t remember what she did. So that’s awkward. but we are friendly and have just casual conversations, so i can live with whatever pseudo friendship we have.

and honestly it was a good conversation. i gave her the play by play of what i could remember from each of the days. and she was like wow what a shitshow. but then she disagreed about the last day. long story short, if anyone is reading this without context, the second day we did this shitty ass cross the line activity that was highly triggering and traumatic for everyone, (in what workplace is it appropriate to say cross the line if youve been sexually assaulted and make eye contact with the people across the line and other similar intrusive questions) but especially hard for me given that i have quite a lifetime of trauma and cptsd on top of it. so by the next day, i had totally lost my mind. like full mental breakdown triggered by my ptsd, lost control of my mind and body, felt like i was drowning, having trouble breathing, had weird visions of me cutting myself, etc. So i said listen like i need to go home, i can’t stay here any longer i am very sick, i literally can’t stop crying and i don’t even know what is going on. but they forced me to stay so i sat out of the activity. it was a bad situation because they activity changed to be a conversation about race. i knew i shouldn’t sit out of it as a white person, but like i’m not kidding when i said that i was very sick. they made me make a split second decision when my brain was fried and i chose to sit out, thinking that the last thing that the people of color in the room needed was me uncontrollably sobbing in the corner and taking up space during a very tense conversation (there were other events that led up to this tense atmosphere). i fully intended to try to catch up on what i missed, but also knew it would be no substitution for the real thing.

anyway S was saying that if she was there, she would’ve been upset that i was in the room and i totally got that. if anything, i have been waiting to have that conversation since that day, but my therapist is not quite there to have that conversation, she’s a white lady and while i think she generally is good about social justice issues, she would definitely be like oh no! you’re not racist! kind of a thing. S and I were on the same page, I think. We agreed that i was very triggered in put in a bad position where like no matter what i chose would be a bad choice sort of a thing. it wasn’t anything “new” but it helped clear things up all the same. and maybe she is right, maybe i DID make the wrong choice. But like I said, both choices were bad and i was literally not even in the right mind to make any decision let alone that. S was also saying that she would’ve understood anyway, because this was like a one time situation and she knows i am constantly standing up and speaking up on social justice issues and she would know i was supportive even if i wasn’t in the room. 

SO yeah. i left that conversation feeling good. ok not good. but felt like i had some clarity and i thought it was a productive conversation and we both listened to each other even though we were initially kinda disagreeing.

anyway turns out that wasn’t the end of hte conversation. the next morning she was brining up some of the people we both knew and she also mentioned someone had been talking shit about me to her and i was like oh? and she sent me screenshots.

the screenshot looked like it was in june, so it was in response to something else, not specifically my latest expose LOL. 

but basically this girl V was like saying that i am biased in my hate against the organization, i can’t separate my feelings from what is actually going on, i was fired because i caused harm to my team and with teachers and never take accountability for my actions.

would love to know how V thinks she knows all this shit..? like where is she getting this info?? her own asshole??? or fed to her from my abusive boss’ friend? like?? what’s happening???

can’t separate my feelings from what’s happening?? ok... so where do you think my feelings are coming from if not from what’s happening....? did i just pull some hate out of my ass? like i don’t just hate shit for no good reason LOL.

yep, i did cause harm to my team and and i took accountability and i actively worked on it and got positive feedback for it. so i’m confused what is happening here. did i right every wrong before i was fired? no. but to say i didnt take accountability is ... wrong.

the thing is just that i don’t just view actions in a vacuum. so there were legitimate things happening that caused me to act the ways that i did. aka my abusive boss fucking with my head. of course i struggled to support my team when my boss made it clear that she would never consider me a part of the team. and i don’t say that to shift the blame from me to her. but you can’t just focus on me and not her role in that?

and it’s wild you say that i caused harm on the team and with teachers? because my boss did all of that and at least ten times worse than i ever did and she didn’t get fired.

ALSO they told me i was getting fired for my mental health issues. which is fucked up. maybe they lied and V is right? i doubt that first of all. but ok, even if they did, they did tell me i was leaving as a compelling personal circumstance, on good terms, would still be eligible for my scholarship. of course i never got that scholarship because they asked for wild fake documents. BUT if i was getting fired for doing such a bad job, wouldn’t they have told me that? or at the very least not told me i was leaving on good terms??? IDK is it legal to lie in an exit meeting? 

and also wtf is the harm with teachers???????? i know my boss accused me of shit talking her with the teachers but that simply was not true lol. a lot of teachers actually came up to me on their own accord to shit talk my boss LOL. they decided on their own that she was shitty, they had their own eyes and ears and brains. but even then i would redirect them and tell them to talk to my boss about their problems with her! the only thing i can think of was a situation with the teacher next door.

the teacher next door hated her cy. she liked me better. it was super awkward. she was also really good friends with my teacher. so i was put in a weird uncomfortable position where i liked her (as a friend/ coworker lol) so i felt awkward telling her off especially when there was this power difference of her being a teacher and then with her being friends with my teacher too. like if i told her to fuck off, would i ruin my relationship with my partner teacher? my partner teacher was all i had left because of the way that my abusive boss isolated me from everyone else. i admit that i believed this teacher over the cy and i have since talked to the cy and we both apologized and understood each other’s perspectives so like, as bad as i feel, there’s nothing else to be done, i guess. well, not that i could do anything so long after the fact anyway. and like it wasn’t llike i did absolutely nothing anyway. i kept in contact with my manager about it but like i was already overworked and underpaid and all that and sorry but im getting paid below the poverty line so trying to solve this weird dispute that has nothing to do with me is a bit above my pay grade

but here’s the kciker: this woman was literally a pedophile who was manipulating all of us! like me, my teacher, the cy, even up to the assistant principal! so hello! no wonder i felt so trapped! how the hell was i supposed to outsmart a pedophile at this below entry level job! and i don’t say that to get out of accountability, V. trust me, it eats at me to know that i was blind to a lot of fucked up shit that was happening. but once again, actions don’t happen in a vacuum. this woman was a manipulative mastermind and she used us as her puppets! dude i am 24 years old and this is my first job out of college and how the hell was i supposed to see that coming without any training. 

so i would love to know how v came to these shit ass conclusions without ever stepping into my school or into my life or having a single ounce of perspective.

which is so fucking wild to me because these people are working with highly traumatized kids????? so if y’all keep viewing everything through your stupid tunnel vision eyes then you are gonna fuck some kids up the way you fucked me up.

nothing keeps me goi g very long anymore. today was kinda hard i really tried but i felt p shitty last night and this morning. watching su cheered me up and o really tried to do some good shit today at least i got a lot explained and shit but i also kinda like told my therapist why i find it so hard to recover because i literally have nothing to do it for like i just straight up have nothing in my life that’s mine like i don’t have anything to live for really except just to survive and it really tired of jjst doing this if this is gonna be the rest of my life and i’m just like...i gave everything up because of mental illness. i lost fucking everything. i try not to think about it but i can’t not when my life is empty. and it’s not like i haven’t benetryibg. that’s the problem i have totry every fucking day but it never gets better. everything i try either doesn’t work out or just doesn’t work at all like i just am so exhausted by this shit every day being in program is so much i hate it so much really i want to say fuck i want to be free but deep down i know i wouldn’t be out do i g anything important like i have nothing all i had was my job and now that’s been gone over a month now and i still don’t know what to do really. i don’t have school, i don’t even have the ability to go to school. even if i did have the mental health to do it i don’t have the money for anywhere close to where in trying to move like i would have to commute and live at home and like i’ve alresdy been trying to get out for years. i’m just so fuckibg hopeless. i don’t think anything is actually going to work. i’m so tired. i don’t want to die like i don’t wnat to loose my life but i can’t do this anymore. it’s horrible that i wish so bad i could just kill myself but i know i can’t. like there’s just that force stopping me even tho i really just do not want to live. i just have no real way to do it. i know whatever i do would fail. and there’s really only one thing i would ever try but i mean i’ve basically done that already by accident and its very horrifying to overdose and probably wouldn’t work anyway or fuck me up permanently. i just really have no viable way to kill myself so i just wish to die. like i walk out in the street and willthe cars to hit me but they never do. i don’t know anymore. i want to do this but i don’t have enough energy in realky tryibg and it’s killing me because it’s just not enough it’s not good enough it never will be no matter what u do my mental health is never going to change i’m always going to have depression and anxiety and ocd and probably some form of disordered eating and oh also ptsd i guess even tho i am currently violently torn inside over if i accept that or not and i cabt bri g myself to talk about it i just don’t trust myself i don’t but howelse can i explain how i react to shot like i just don’t want to believe it i don’t but i know it’s true to some extent but it just DOESNT MAKE SENSE. like. my “””trauma””” or whatever was barely fuckig anything! it barely qualifies as emotional and physical abuse. i have no sexual abuse and i’m thankful for that but also terrified of it. and i feel like because i know so many people who went through that who went through much worse i jjst. i can’t have the same cptsd as them. i mean i know i don’t but like i just i don’t deserve to have this not that it’s a good thing it’s not it’s fucking horirbke i wish no one had it but like at least other people have a legit reason like an understabke explainable reason i jsut don’t haha

Anders, Mental Illness and Abuse (from an Abuse Survivor's Perspective)

TW: discussion of suicide, sexual abuse

The whole "magic is an allegory for mental illness" interpretation has always bothered me (as a mentally-ill abuse survivor) deeply, but it bothers me most of all when it comes up in relation to Anders—specifically, excusing or justifying Anders's actions in Dragon Age II.

Like, let's just start with the most obvious thing first, shall we? Anders can be interpreted as mentally ill-coded. But...somehow he's the only mentally ill coded character who gets a free pass to be awful? Like, in DA2 alone, you've got Merrill (coded as autistic), Fenris (has CPTSD/PTSD), Isabela (implied PTSD), and Sebastian Vael (coded as bipolar)...that's just off the top of my head, in DA2 alone, I'm probably missing at least one that I'll think of later and kick myself for forgetting. In the other games, let's seeeee. Oghren is an alcoholic who's implied to struggle with depression. Zevran Arainai has PTSD. Cullen Rutherford has PTSD and struggles with addiction. Sera has a learning disability. Iron Bull is one of the most well-written characters with CPTSD I've seen in...any media, really. Josephine Monteliyet is coded as having an anxiety disorder. Blackwall seems to struggle with depression, even after his "identity crisis" is resolved. Why is it that Anders gets a free pass to be a racist, misogynistic, abusive terrorist, while Sebastian (for example) is TEH WORST for having a justified reaction of rage and horror to violently and suddenly losing his entire family, again? Why is Anders's supposed "mental illness" a valid excuse for a literal act of terrorism but Sebastian, Merrill, Fenris, they can all just go fuck themselves, they've gotta accept RESPONSIBILITY for their own problems?

And then let's get to the bigger thing for me, where it gets really personal: I'm an abuse survivor, and my abuser struggled with mental illness. He had severe depression and psychotic episodes, and neurological damage from a failed suicide attempt. He always told me that I was the only thing that kept him going, that he wouldn't be able to live without me...the whole nine yards. The fact that he was in pain, and that every day was a massive struggle for him...that was real. He never lied about that. 

It took me so fucking long to accept and acknowledge that my abuser's pain didn't justify him beating me, raping me, stealing from me, lying to me, forcing me to lie to my family, emotionally manipulating me...that my pain was real, too, and that I deserved better. I played DA2 for the first time just a couple of months after escaping my abuser, and it was a big part (for me) of learning to live with myself and accept what I'd been through. I went in with a little bit of knowledge of the fanon interpretation of Anders (but no knowledge of the plot of the game), and fully expected to like Anders. I romanced Anders in my first playthrough, in fact. I wound up abandoning it, though, because...Anders reminded me so much of my abuser, in those first few months, before he hit me for the first time—when he was training me to obey him, to feel guilty all the time, to need him, to hold myself responsible for his pain. It was like reliving those months, and I couldn't fucking handle it. I walked away before Act III even really started.

My second attempt I romanced Fenris, who reminded me a lot of myself. And...holy shit, it was actually a really cathartic and healing thing for me, to be playing as a character who was helping someone who was so much like me learn to live with himself and what he'd been through. But I saw Anders in a completely different light. Act III rolled around and...when he fed Hawke that line about "if you ever cared about me" I had to walk away from the game for a little while, again. I was listening to my abuser all over again. "If you really love me, you'll stay." I heard that exact line the first night my abuser raped me. I felt...wrong about the whole thing.

I executed Anders at the end of the game. I make no apologies for that. None. Whatsoever. 

And...you know what? If anything, I think the fact that Anders elicited such a strong emotional response from me, that he felt so real and so close-to-home to me that I had to walk away from the game multiple times to remind myself that he wasn't real, is a sign of a very strongly-written character. People who claim that Anders is some pure little kitten who can do no wrong, in my opinion, have no actual understanding of or appreciation for his character. He's got a righteous cause, and yeah, in the beginning he's even fairly likable and sympathetic. But he's an absolutely immoral person. He's racist, misogynistic, profoundly narcissistic, manipulative, and...just all around a terrible person hiding behind a mask of justice. 

And that is good. He's a well-written, compelling and tragic villain, if not a sympathetic one. But...he is a villain, and to be quite honest...when I see Anders stans defending his emotional abuse of Hawke and the other companions, insisting that he's not a villain, he's just a misunderstood good guy...I feel frustrated, yeah, but I feel scared, too. If they're willing to go this far in defending a fictional abuser's actions, would they recognize a real-life abuser? Would they defend my abuser, tell me that I'm a terrible person for running away from him when he'd told me that he'd kill himself if I left him (another lie of his)? Would they recognize the emotional blackmail if somebody pulled the same shit Anders pulls on Hawke, on them in real life? Or would they fall into that same thought-trap of "it's not abuse if they're hurting, too"? 

Just...if you've read this far, my only message to you: if anyone ever talks to you the way Anders talks to Hawke and the other companions...just get out of there. Run like the fucking wind. It's not romantic. It's emotionally abusive and it's not okay, and it will escalate if you don't run. For your own safety, run. 

abuse tw/forced outing/unhealthy age difference tw/emotional abuse tw/abuse romantic relationship: so now that I’m my ex’s age I can’t believe that they ever wanted to date me when I was only 14. like I knew it before this too and I even realised it a little bit after the relationship ended but like now that I’m their age it just hits really differently. Like now I can seriously say for sure like. I see 14 years olds as children. Not like children children and I don’t say that to not 1/2

2/? acknowledge someone’s trauma but I mean in the way that there is such a maturity difference I would never want to date some who’s 14 or even be attracted to them. And if I ever was bc sometimes ppl do look older than their age I would immediately stop once I knew their age which they didn’t with me. I just feel sick at the thought of dating a 14 year old or even someone a year younger than me bc when you’re this young like there’s a huge maturity difference between you and someone even a

3/? year younger and like I don’t understand why they didn’t get that. why they took advantage of me like that. like I get that some ppl are just wrong like that but it still hurts to think of the fact that I was so young and like so unknowing of a lot of stuff still and by dating me they ended up leading to the events that gave me cptsd and they outed me to all my friends and basically outed because to the ppl I live with and I don’t care if there were no bad consequences with my friends it

4/? stills was so wrong of them to do to me. And it’s been almost two years since we broke up and I just want to be over it already and I know stuff like this can take a long time but I just want to be done thinking abt it and not have all the hurt and anger and shame be brought up again. And like we only dated for two weeks but the whole time I felt so anxious and they would barely talk to me during those two weeks and they would never even hold my hand and i spent the whole time worrying abt

5/? coming out when I just wasn’t ready then at all. and like for once I just wanted to have been able to have my coming out be on my own terms and not bc I was forced by some one else and the worst thing is that they were the first person I ever came out to. like I had only figured it out a few months between then and I’m not even the sexuality that I thought I was then but they were still the first person I came out to as anything other than cishet and that leaves a scar and just. it hurts so

6/? much to think abt how I was totally taken advantage of and they should’ve known better than to ever do that. I wouldn’t change what happened but it still hurts that it happened and that my trust won’t ever be the same again and no one seems to acknowledge the pain it caused and instead I just feel like they’re judging me for what happened when I was never the one who did anything wrong. It’s just so obvious now that what happened wasn’t healthy and it hits different now that I’m the age they

7/7 were when it happened and it’s been two years and I just want to stop obsessing over it as much I’m just so done as having them be running through my mind and I know it’s not gonna just suddenly stop and it’ll probably still hurt way later on but I hope taht at least this will get some of it out of the way

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I’m sorry he broke your trust like that, nonnie. I was outed to everyone around me during my teenage years too and I wouldn’t wish that to anyone :( But you didn’t do anything wrong, and I’m sorry that the people around you won’t acknowledge your pain.

Sending a virtual hug ❤

it took me yrs but my hair is long again

my shitty father ripped a lot of hair out of my head at 17 and so I shaved my head at 18 and now at 25 my hair is close to being close to my chest and doing that taught me patience. I’m getting some feelings off my chest because I’ve deliberately closed myself off from expressing myself on here since I didn’t want certain ppl to see my posts but fuck it...I don’t really want to mention my male parental unit anymore because he was such a blight on my life but I never really struggled with expressing myself when I was younger I’ve moved in silence for years but I might start sharing more thoughts in the years to come. I’ve overcome so much trauma from my father, from sexual abuse from distant family and a stranger and I’m still here, all the while not having the most opportunity. I’m working on getting my citizenship soon and I’m glad to do it alone. I’d rather suffer alone than marry anyone for citizenship however easier it would seem to make my life, I read the Bhagavad Gita last year and that taught me a lot. This last year was especially difficult for me and I went through it alone, breaking down every couple of months from having no body to talk to, hug, or be there for me besides on rare occasion. I’m still here tho, despite my mental illnesses, I’ve overcome cptsd, I’ve had multiple guns pulled out on me this last year alone but the first time that ever happened to me was when I was around 10 and that was over 20 cops (acab) with heavy firearms with lasers pointed at my body. I’m hella resilient as a result and the hood can’t stop me now, not with it’s liquor stores designed to poison the body and mind and create more ppl to funnel into the private prison industry, not that I haven’t used cannabis as a coping mechanism throughout the years and continue to do so but I’m closer and closer to being sober each day and soon it feels as tho I’ll be able to start exercising again, the hood can’t stop me, I’ve unlearned a lot and learned to be nothing like my father, I don’t drink alcohol; he was an alcoholic, I don’t use physical violence to solve my problems, I’ve overcome so much. I’ve felt like dying a lot and often especially in my younger years but I’m still here. Just being alive this long to me is a major accomplishment, I’ve stayed down for a long time and welcome new and wonderful experiences in life and it’s challenges as well. I almost want to say the hardest part is over but that’s exactly how I felt when my father left at 17, I felt finally free then and realized I was out one cage and into another so it’s been a mission getting out of this next cage but it’s looking better than ever for me 🧿 the Gita gave me the feeling of confidence knowing I can navigate the entirety of my remaining life alone and be okay if that’s what is best for me but it also makes me feel as tho I’ll never escape every cage and or be able to achieve some things that it talks about. I eventually want to talk to a therapist maybe then I wouldn’t over share so much online although I’ve been dead silent for yrs I want to post this but I also don’t. I don’t mind being vulnerable but there is some hesitation. I guess knowing that this life is but a blink of an eye is reassuring and makes me feel more comfortable sharing my experience. maybe my blog will live on past my lifetime and be of service for at least one soul but anyways it’s nice to get things off my chest. I only want to grow and be happy and live the rest of my life how I want to live it. i don’t have wealth so it’s not like I’m set for life but I welcome life’s ups and downs for I’ve been thru a lot already. I have a deep feeling that this life is more mysterious than it might appear and I’m glad I’ve made the sacrifices I’ve made. All I can really say is I’m still here and my life isn’t over yet. It could’ve been took so many times it seems but I’m alive, I’m healthy and I have time to make things come to fruition. I want more face tats and tattoos in general and yes I don’t want to work for others. I don’t know how I’ll achieve my goals but that’s the fun/ beauty of life ig