#I will probably edit this as time continues because opinions change… but also I’m not 100% sure if my research is accurate
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Ok 😅sorry . It's my fault . So rarely used word the taboo , i wrote wrongly . So , the Hogwarts Legacy now lot artists favorite now , painters/writers and i love it . Im reading a lot on AO3 and i dont understand why they why missing from every fanfiction the the "consequence of free love" . Realist , i know but would be huge turn in one story . Only Tamayula drawed Sebastian and Ominis as fathers . One guy shocked on me bec "they're minors" as he said.....yeah 😄they are who's kills , they do threesome or just traditionally (with MC) . They already wrote alrernative universes , same way they do everything...and there is the unspoken baby shield . The MC is a strong wich , only she can use anchient magic . Sebastian and Ominis too camed from strong / talented family . Their child could be more special , stronger bloodline . With the pregnancy whould came the interesting questions : Which one the father , when , how she'll hide from everyone in the 6th year, with illusion charm ? So thatswhy i asked ,why taboo the pregnancy subject for every artist if the "very detailed lovemaking" not shame ? 🥲
I never knew I couldn’t put community label on a ask… so… Warning: NSFW (talking smutty stuff)
You are perfectly fine! Thank you for more context, I think I understand your question more clearly now and oh boy— this is gonna be a long response
Now I wanna point out that I haven’t really read any actual full blown fanfics, at least ones that include underage smut as you’ve mentioned. The closet I’ve ever gotten was one shots and that’s it. I’m not a fanfic writer myself, I’ve only written some random head canons.
BUT! I have drawn somewhat naughty things, although not as smutty as what I’ve seen other artists do 👀 I do have a couple of… some… I guess you could call “teasing” artworks and I will do more but anyways that’s besides the point—
What I get from your ask is: Why don’t artists ever talk about the consequences after these smutty scenes? (Please correct me if I’m wrong)
Which is a fair question! You know if we are talking canon, this is late 1800’s we are talking about. They didn’t have a plan B or a healthy way to abort a pregnancy. But also there is the factor that there’s only a CHANCE you get pregnant. Now unless they’ve written in there fic like 6 smut scenes then yeah— it is a bit unrealistic unless the character is someone who actually can’t conceive any children (which would be so sad and angsty ngl)
Back then having intercourse before marriage was considered a sin, they believed that sex was gate kept by married people only. So… why not have one of the boys ask MC to marry her? Well you see… back then it was very common for young women and in this case girls to marry… but the man had to be 21 or older legally if they wanted to marry someone younger. So the boys can’t marry MC while they’re still in school.
Now, back to the question. Why don’t artists talk about the pregnancy? The truth is, it would probably impact the story in a negative way. Meaning that if MC has a child at 16, then she basically has a ball and chain on her ankle because she was seen as a widow (and many other words) which was seen as a HUGE red flag to others way back then. And the boys can’t do anything about her reputation… they basically just ruined it by making her pregnant before marriage.
““No sex before marriage!””
The thing is that back then it was taboo to talk about pregnancy and even sex for that matter. Specially when they’re young and not married. Those conversations were reserved for when they want to procreate.
Personally for me, I don’t think MC should be having a sex life at the age of 15 or 16. I mean don’t get me wrong, it can STILL happen, just because it wasn’t excepted back then doesn’t mean it never happened. I just don’t think teen mom really fits well with MC (or at least mine). Plus babies, although are cute, can be a huge pain in the ass while you are studying at Hogwarts while beating up poachers and killing trolls with the imperius curse
Now I do over analyze things you can thank my AP teach in hs for that. And this is only an opinion with a hint of research I did. You do not have to agree with me. As an artist I’m not ready to make that kind of content and this is just my way of thinking. I don’t speak for other artists, so if you want to write underage smut, and even a teen mom MC you do you! Don’t let my words dictate what’s right or wrong because in reality of it all, there is no right or wrong.
There can be other factors like:
Artists not feeling comfortable writing about pregnancy
Just wanting to write smut because they can
There might be hidden context that the artist is keeping secret until the right moment
They are literally writing in a AU where pregnancy can be avoided (modern AU for example)
We are talking about an AU where there are witches and wizards, there could easily be something that could prevent a pregnancy if you just make a HC
But I think it just all comes down to artists comfort level. I mean I’m comfortable with adults having kids because it makes sense… but at 15??? Unless they were married which is was very common for young females in the Victorian era, I don’t think MC having a child while still in school would be realistic in that time period. Honestly women going to school is unrealistic too but this is a different AU… things aren’t going to be realistic.
Just some random research I did because I love analyzing things: (this is based off of England)
A woman can get married at a very young age… BUT— the man has to be 21 or older if he wants to marry someone under the age of 21. Because in England of 1823, it was legal for a man and women to marry at the age of 21. Although it seems after 23 men could easily marry a female from 12 and up without parents consent (I know, sickening)
In the Victorian era, although it was common to see young women with older men, the average age a women would have a child is around the age 21-23
Females who got pregnant in their teens were actually punished for their “sins” and were actually forced to put their child up for adoption in some cases
It wasn’t common for people to have premarital sex until 1920
#I really hope this makes sense#I wrote most of this at 2am so my thoughts were a bit all over the place#I will probably edit this as time continues because opinions change… but also I’m not 100% sure if my research is accurate#hogwarts legacy#hphl#hphl mc#hogwarts legacy mc#sebastian sallow#ominis gaunt#sebastian x mc#ominis x mc#sebastian x mc x ominis#I can tag this right?#hogwarts legacy fanfic#hogwarts fanfiction#asks#personal
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Ok so question (because I enjoy your analysis on these characters in the bear).
People who share the opinion that Carmy and Sydney should remain platonic soulmates and agree they have chemistry but they don’t read it as romantic.
From my vantage point I see the editing as obviously suggestive with the parallels in his relationship to Claire vs Syd.
Carmy obviously outwardly shows his interest on a seemingly subconscious level and with changed behavior.
Sydney on the other hand reads as very guarded (relatable) but still seeking connection as someone else pointed out. She hasn’t done any work to change that in terms of actively going to therapy. So I’m confused as to why people would think that a person as guarded as she is would outwardly like Carmy reciprocate her deep down romantic feels that I would assume she suppressing. She’s obviously good at it because she’s ambitious and a working professional. Case in point her reaction to Marcus’s date request.
What I do feel people should maybe reflect on more is her reaction to ‘Who’s Claire?’ Where I do agree that it was mostly frustration due to Camry dropping the ball and significant part was subconscious romantic jealousy. Also her insistence on him defining their (Claire and Carmy’s) relationship. Lastly, there’s no way in hell I would accept someone telling my boyfriend “I don’t want to share your focus” and him responding with “you deserve my focus” while she’s fully aware he’s in a relationship that SHE put him in 😂…because WHAT!?!
Sorry this was long and yeah I’d love to hear your thoughts?
Sydney desire for Carmy to define his relationship with Claire comes from Sydney wanting to know where she stands. She's ambitious an smart. She's let Carmy get away with a lot in her short time knowing each other, but she's reached a point where she's investing a lot in his restaurant. She needs to know if it's time to cut bait. Sydney deserves to know is she's working against a relationship that's going to continue to get in the way of The Bear?
And then she does what Sydney does. She tells Carmy how she wants to be treated. She tells him “I don’t want to share your focus.” I think by the time Carmy replies with, "You deserve my focus" he already knows he's going to break things off with Claire so in his mind he isn't really committing himself to another person while he has a girlfriend. He just hasn't seen Claire yet to do it. I think that's part of his distraction and lack of interest in Claire being at the restaurant at all. I doubt her meant to break up with her the way he did, but I also think Claire could have talked him out of doing it if they'd been face to face which is something to think about too.
As for Marcus... I almost feel bad because as early as Copenhagen I could see that he had probably been nursing a crush that Sydney inadvertently egged along throughout S1 and early S2. But once it's a real question instead of hints and international phone calls, she politely but firmly says no. Which also makes me think, part of Sydney wanting Carmy to define things between him and Claire is so she can sus out whether or not he's one of those guy who just strings a girl along. I think that's as much what she's getting at in the beginning of their conversation about him being shitty and that he's the one who makes it more about her.
And like the "Who's Claire?" moment of jealousy, it works because it's personal hurt hiding behind very neatly behind earned professionally annoyance.
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Hey! I saw your match-ups were open and would like to request one if that's okay! I'm a dude and on the shorter side (5'4), I am pan with no gender preferences but I do prefer people who are more on the confident side. My love languages are physical touch and acts of service.
I am an ambivert, whether I'm more extroverted or introverted can change very quickly. I am typically laid back and easygoing and don't get annoyed easily. My favorite colours are purple and green.
I usually switch between wearing punk/emo style clothes (studded belts, band t-shirts, chains, leather jackets) paired with eyeliner or casual style clothes (Hoodies, shorts, beanies). My hair is a dark brown with a white streak due to lack of melanin and my eyes are a dark brown.
My hobbies are hiking, climbing, photography, video games, video/photo editing, needle felting and juggling. I like animals, hights, music and cooking. I don't like loud noises and spiders.
My appearance would likely have some owl-like features because of my love of heights and my messed up sleep schedule. Other than that my appearance would be mostly the same as it is now.
I would prefer not to be matched with sir pentious or charlie please.
Your Matchup is....
Velvette!
She is like the definition of confidence (more like too much because look at miss ma’am so I guess cocky, but she isn't afraid and she knows what to do)
I think she’d find your hair and clothes style really interesting.
Probably would try and mix your styles together so you two can match or she would match colors only
Idk I feel like matching is a small way to show that you are tied to a person
Did I read video & photo editing? Of course I did, I've been staring at this for a hot minute!
Oh boy do I have a job for you buddy!
Yes you already know it, you are an editor for miss ma’am Velvette here
Is it fun staring at screens all day and not getting to go outside and do your more hands-on activities? Yes, but oh my goodness your cute boss is micromanaging at every second (as if she knows what you’re doing)
Okay, but for realsies, you do speak about how you need some breathing room to be able to concentrate and she does take note of that, she also hires another editor JUST ONE so your workload is a bit lighter; you know are solely for Velvette’s work and the other unlucky editor get to work for moth man
As you two got closer she started to make more clothes based on your fashion and soon made it a rule for all of her employees to only wear her clothes (Velv come on just admit your feelings and ask for him to wear your clothes!)
Once you two do get together she will automatically take your clothes without shame, but makes it work
Shoot she might even dress like you just to make the fit work
If you get her on a hike she is whining and complaining, but it gave her inspiration to expand her work into sporty/athleisure wear as well
She does take interest in your hobbies during her relaxation time and is willing to try your food, but she will be honest about her opinions (this princess)
“Ugh! You’re taking forever!” Velvette pouted from her chair beside you with her arms crossed,
“Apologies, little miss princess. Maybe don’t give me so many photos next time.” You rolled your eyes as you continued editing the slew of photos she gave you from today's shoot.
After several more minutes of silence (in reality it was thirty seconds), she just got up and pulled your chair away from the desk.
“Don’t fight! You have been working all night, I want to sleep with you. I’m for once going to bed on time and so will you! Dumb and Dumber are out for the night so if we’re fast we can get to sleep with silence.”
A/N: You sound like a sick person ngl i’m a bit jealous of your hobbies and style /pos owls are such a good choice
#hazbin hotel x reader#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel matchup#hazbin hotel matchups#velvette x reader#hazbin hotel velvette
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Hi so I’m a Damian fan, who is still trying to get into comics and DC in general and stuff. I do know some tidbits from fandom and different blogs that I follow that do analysis.
However after a discussion with my brother (who’s been in special-ed), came this question? I don’t really know how to ask this but I’ll try to phrase it the best I can??
When it comes to schooling realistically would he be put into Special ED (Special-Education?)
While Damian doesn’t have a disability, I think because of his upbringing. Okay let me explain a little. Since Damian has college levels of education, being put into regular classes wouldn’t be considered challenging enough and if he were to be tested, the teacher probably would have to meet with his parents on whether or not to have him move up several grades?
And if the whole reason for Damian to being put into school is to help socially, then maybe special-Ed would help him? Because, the teachers are more hands on and (according to my brother) more focused on social development. And Special ED usually more works on basic life skills which probably is more of Damian needs.
But anyways, I know probably comic writers are not going to do that. But I thought it was an interesting thing to bring up for discussion?
I don't have personal experience with special education, so I can't comment on that. Teaching experience wise I can say there are two different ways people adapt content for students with disabilities:
Accommodations are ways you help students learn the same content as their peers. This can be making sure the content is conveyed via multiple means (ex: always having something visual to help explain while you are talking), breaking stuff into smaller chunks for students with ADHD, and like... a gazillion other things.
Modifications actually change what is demanded of the student, so you are asked to learn different content than your peers. I am under the impression that some special ED programs might allow for a modified curriculum, as im doing some research.
WRT hands on teacher stuff, I know that some students genuinely have a hard time managing their behavior in a regular classroom and can benefit from more individualized attention. We do know Damian isn't one of those students, though.
Continuing to connect this to DC comics characters, with my general lack of experience in special education in specific? If his parents were putting him in a non-mainstream-school thing I'm not sure why they would choose special ed instead of a gifted program, when both would presumably involve smaller classes with a more hands on teacher, but the special ED teacher would probably have a wide range of abilities to teach to. I think Damian also has had lots of experience working with teachers in small classroom environments (getting tutored 1-on-1 for most of his childhood :P) so I assume if he wants to learn more about peer social interaction he'd benefit more from something he's not used to, like a bigger classroom size? IDK. He's had small class sizes a lot of his life.
I do want to point out that Social Emotional Development is a current buzzword in teaching (and some people think it's getting too much attention and teachers are being asked to do things that reasonably should be parents responsibility but... :P not gonna get into teaching discourse since I do not have a lot of strong opinions on it) and lots of people want to try to work on kids development socially even in mainstream classes. However obviously that's hard with big class sizes.
Anyway TL;DR: I'm not really seeing how it would come up realistically, but take that with a grain of salt due to my lack of experience.
EDIT: Ok after reviewing my notes and a teensy bit more research, I don't think it's realistic I can't believe I fucking forgot the least restrictive environment thing XD and while obviously the least restrictive environment for any given student is not always a mainstream classroom, in many cases kids who receive special education services do spend time in mainstream classrooms, and at least in the US (which he is going to school in US so I think I can use this generalization :P) the goal admin would have is that the kids in Special ED do spend time in mainstream classrooms as they can, you don't spend like the whole day in a separate room. A lot of the general thought atm is that kids are not separate from their peers without justification.
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So at the office, while he was away, Michael was basically considered to be a Threat™️ because everyone had wound up seeing or hearing about what had happened to Leitner. Elias being like “oh he just needs some time to work himself out” but in a weirdly sinister way does not help his case.
Jon eventually gets into his own bit of trouble because of the possibility that he could have been an accomplice, has to run away like he did in the original series.
Actually, Michael’s not fully considered a threat by anyone… not anyone who actually knows him, at least.
Melanie’s opinion? Yeah, he was a little weird when she gave her statement to him. Probably evil.
Tim? He’s not responding to anyone’s questions at the moment, and you can kindly fuck off. (Michael saved Sasha’s life with the worms, but he’s not gonna tell the police that he thinks Jon maybe did it instead with some weird mind controlling powers or something. They’ll think that it’s bullshit.)
Sasha’s… conflicted. He has been acting weird recently, but she’s not sure he’s actually evil, she’s actually pretty sure he’s just… stressed. People can change, though, so… she doesn’t really know what to think.
Jon’s. Um. Not there, but he’s SUPER sure the guy’s gone crazy and is killing people for sport.
Martin………………………………………………………….
“It’s… complicated? Probably.”
[CONTINUED BELOW oh you BET there’s more ehehehe]
Nikola, though… oh boy.
Two potential candidates. One of them’s rumored to not really know much of anything, and the other knows plenty. But while both have gotten strong, one of them’s going to be stronger.
Kicker’s that the potentially-stronger one probably won’t actually fit properly because he’s too tall. And he’s all twisted, so that won’t do at all.
So instead, she’s been talking to Jon about the gorilla skin, like in the original series.
Being a super creepy motherfucker and all that.
Y’know.
Anyway, Michael did not get anywhere near death, so Oliver didn’t have to go in and help out or anything, but… Elias has realized that michael keeps getting himself into situations where he nearly gets killed, and does not seem to handle them too well, so he’s experimenting and seeing if he can have Jon be a “backup archivist”, which i’m sure Nikola’s absolutely delighted by…
Still… Michael does get visited by some of the stranger’s gang eventually.
Just “checking in on our dear old archivist!”
(Michael does not feel comforted.)
(He is also not particularly thrilled.)
(Especially when she casually mentions not being able to use his skin in particular, because it “just wouldn’t fit right………….! You understand… don’t you, archivist?”)
He tries to burn her with the spiderweb lighter.
No wonder Jude Perry liked him a lot- (he’s actually now tried to set two things on fire because they were bothering him- but I haven’t posted the part where he yeets a lighter at the other thing yet lol-you’ll see)
Obviously, it’s ineffective… but it lights up her face for a moment before miraculously snapping shut upon hitting the floor.
Or… where her face should be.
Michael screams, his friend finally gets the lights working, and Nikola is gone.
…Fun!
OH HEY WAIT WHAT
OKAY SO
If Michael gets this tape! (Which he definitely would, cause he would have completely missed everything.)
Obviously with a few edits!! But!!!!!!! That shit would just.
Like a goddamn jagged-edged sword getting shoved STRAIGHT through his torso, GOD that stupid bit of commentary would hurt so BAD-
Jesus, Elias, stop trying to make your archivist feel like a disposable paper bag that somehow managed to make it out of the landfill, the hell are you doing, man????
Michael’d probably just try and mirror-jump to Jude Perry or something and be like “hey, my boss is a sick bastard and I hate him, want to help?”
Not sure if I’m /j or /srs, but Martin might be on board lol
Michael’s having more and more trouble with the whole… mirror-hallway trap thing. Although, like with canon, he probably ends up figuring out a way to drag out the whole process of victims slowly kinda going nuts so that he doesn’t actually have to kill anyone, he can just… “bother someone” in order to keep things going.
Which actually winds up working better than the “drive em mad and then whoop there they go” method.
He doesn’t like how it feels, cause it’s basically making a bunch of people go through what Ryan went through, but he tries diffusing the messing-with across more than one victim in order to make it not be as horrible for each of them.
Oh, and on top of that, he still has to get statements.
Does Jon send him the statements he gets (and his own notes on them) after he’s done with them, so that they’re both on the same page with things? (And does it work..?)
And if so, does he get to hear the “dust to dust” one, finally?
*Sound of Michael nearly popping a stress ball open with one hand*
(>:(((( Bruh Gertrude what the fuck)
AND HEARING HIS OWN VOICE ON THE TAPE…
Just rewinding and playing it over and over again. Just to hear it.
It hurts to know that his voice doesn’t quite sound the same.
He’s lost the stutter that he hated so much. He almost misses it.
Might actually mumble the words a little, in a half-hopeful attempt at getting his voice to sound like it did back then again. It works, for a moment or two, and in that little sliver of time, he feels like… himself again. Like Michael.
But he can’t hold it for long.
Still… it was there.
He was… there, somewhere. He wasn’t completely gone… so maybe there was still hope.
(HhhgfhhHhhHHHHHH I wanna hug him so badddddddddddddd aaaaaaaaaa 🫠)
Anyway, so Jon gets taken by Orsinov-
And the only reason Michael doesn’t pick up every time Elias tries to call him to tell him to get Jon is cause he’s got Elias’s number registered in his phone as “old sod” and just sits there pressing “decline” every time the phone starts ringing with that name.
It’s very fun to do.
However, eventually Martin’s the one who calls him, sounding a little bit panicked, and explains what’s going on, and Michael feels like an asshole, rushes out the door- (“hello good morning I’ve got to go get Jonathan out of situations he keeps getting in don’t kill me don’t get killed please don’t leave things on voicemail if they’re important, lesson learned, ohgosh bye-”)
So the Michael appears! No doom threat, just Michael apologizing for being “so incredibly late” and being like “oh good lord these are creepy oh sh- you’ve got a gag on- I’m very sorry-”
And he notices that Jon’s…. Looking at him, like… he wants to ask something, but doesn’t know if he should.
Michael… forces a smile, getting the feeling — based on the last tape he’d gotten from jon — that he knows what he wants to ask about. “Can we… t…t-“ oh, of course- and just at the moment he’d rather it not be an issue, here it was, again, in the way of him getting his words across. “It- I- We don’t- there isn’t much… much time to share… stories.”
“She won’t be back for-“
“I just don’t want to.”
He didn’t mean it to come out sounding so snappy, and winced a little at his own voice. “She…she’s just… a bit of a hard subject, as of right now…”
Jon looks a little bit… desperate, though, and it occurs to him that he most likely hasn’t been able to get any new statements in days.
If he were to go through the mirrors… he might not be able to keep himself together in there. Or he might get lost, or…
“Ask me.”
Jon blinks, looking a bit confused. “Didn’t you say you-“
“Yes, I know. It doesn’t feel good, but if you don’t-“ he takes a deep breath, and sighs heavily. “Please. Just… this once. And it’s all… good.”
…”What was she like?”
Oh, that question hurts.
A string of expressions pass across his face as he tries to think of the words for the things Jon wants to pull out of him. Needs him to let out.
“…different… she- she told me a lie.
I thought I knew… why she was who she was. Why I was… her… assistant.
I- but i didn’t. Really. She was cold… and… I just fell for it.
He takes another deep breath and sighs, but… no, it… isn’t done, is it.
It all spills out, like blood gushing from a deep, arterial wound.
He tries to twist it, to lessen the tearing sensation that the eye gives as it drags the information out of him, but it just… happens. The words aren’t quite his to control.
The Sannikov trip is the most painful to feel.
Once, it might have been a tale told in horror, of the near-death experience of his mentor, the old woman who fell over the side of a ship in the middle of a storm. About how he almost went insane, but that could have been a dream, and she had been saved, and then they had gone home again.
He told Jon all of this story, the statement riddled with sarcasm and frustration, and hurt.
And then he told… a different story.
The one he’d had in that vision, or dream, or nightmare- whatever it had been.
He told the eye what it already knew, and — in a way — begged it to answer him, instead. Tell him if he had just been… a pebble to be kicked into a trap so that it could be made safe to pass through.
He explained his fear that Gertrude had, in fact, killed one of her old assistants, a woman named Emma Harvey. She’d burned her alive.
And then he recounted his terror upon waking up in the office that one horrible night, when the doors had not been the right doors, and had nearly taken him and swallowed him and taken him apart.
How the fire had roared around him.
The rest of the story, Jon already knew, and so his talking should have ended there.
But he mentioned something he didn’t want to.
About how much Jon had reminded him of her, when they’d first met.
And with this revelation, the story ended.
At once, Michael slid to the floor, his whole body drained of energy, fighting to keep itself together.
It was not a moment too soon.
A door had opened behind him. A horribly familiar one, and as it loomed over Jon’s bound form and Michael’s barely stable one, a voice floated through the room, coming from the figure standing at its threshold.
“That was a very, very stupid thing to do, archivist.”
#the magnus archives#tma#michael shelley#michael tma#tma au#tma unwinding au#unwinding au#Jonathan sims#Jon tma#the distortion#the distortion tma#nikola orsinov#Nikola tma#the stranger tma#tw Uh violence#tma fic#draft#random rambles!!!!!!#it’s so hard to get character ‘voices’ right aaaaaa#if I can’t hear them reading it in my head#then it’s WRONG /lh /goofy#Michael’s stuff is ESPEXIALLY difficult cause we barely have any dialogue from him as a normal guy
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project moon debacle thoughts
I’ve had a lot of time to let this stew in my brain so might as well spill my thoughts to get them out of my head. If you have no idea what’s going on (hi mutuals) or aren’t in the mood for reading this kinda thing, scroll past and have a good day i guess
Worst part about all this is probably all the misinformation. I see lots of points cycled as fact despite being dubious at best and “source: dude trust me” at worst (even by those with good intentions). I encourage everyone to do extensive research before committing to an opinion!
As for Veilmori, I doubt they’re coming back. Even if PM extends an offer, they might not even take it at this point. Regardless, I wish them the best!
As for the “firing”? All that’s certain is that the contract isn’t being renewed or something like that. Not quite as extreme as firing, but not illegal afaik and there’s still a safety net for Veilmori. I’m unfortunately not well aware of the contract’s terms. All I know is that it’s somewhat common for Korean contracts to have a clause for the kind of situation that sparked the termination. (EDIT: Apparently the “firing over the phone” was a legit thing - very illegal - and Veilmori was a regular, not an outsourced contract or anything. Doesn’t help that PM is being vague about her employment status atm.)
Also I find it funny that this is the second time a “person fired over feminist social media” thing happened in PM. First time was a lot more clear-cut in comparison (very radical feminist group) but still, deja vu.
Honestly my biggest concern is the treatment of employees if the firsthand statements are to be believed. Hopefully this situation creates some major changes for the better in PM.
I doubt that PM being late on putting out a statement is a sign of something bad. A bit messy, perhaps, but legal red tape can get finicky. The statement we got doesn’t really say much, and it’s still unclear why exactly the termination took place. Honestly, I would be fine with everything if they just outright said the reason. Again, not sure if this is legal red tape or not. Anything’s better than a vague “it wasn’t because of her views” because even that could still relate to the social media stuff (i.e. not because of having views, but because of expressing them on an account publically and clearly connected to the individual). (EDIT: Altho I’ve been told firing employees over social media stuff is a big no-no, I’m sure there’s exceptions and it, sadly, has happened before. This situation’s case against Veilmori is flimsy at best though, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was illegal outside of loopholes.)
Last thing to note is that this whole situation is a messy cocktail of social problems and long-held frustrations. Nobody wins in this scenario. PM was between a rock and a hard place and are still chipping away at the rock they are being crushed by. I’m not even gonna pretend I’m an expert on the gender war and whatnot. It’s definitely helpful to not view the situation through an ethnocentric lens though. That’s not to say you can’t maintain opinions based on your own views on feminism, but be sure to not ignore the context either.
Hopefully, like last time, everything can be cleared up and PM can get back on its feet. Currently my view is “not angry, just disappointed” for now. For now, though, wait for new developments and take care of yourself. Your feelings, good or bad, are absolutely valid and whether you continue to support PM or not is entirely up to you! You’re not a bad person for choosing either option.
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I'd love to read your opinion on seanwhite, danyok, toddblack and gramblack tbh
Oooh, thanks for this question anon. I have so many thoughts about Not Me and no idea where to begin, so this provides a great entry point to start writing.
SeanWhite is the easiest one: I really liked them. I liked the pace of very slow burn and then a fairly quick switch into unwavering support and domesticity. That kind of pacing wouldn’t always work for me, but it fit these characters and this show. Although the show was unequivocally a BL, it was also many other things, so I wasn’t primarily looking at it as a romance story.
This got kinda long, so the rest is under a cut.
I think the actors had great chemistry together. And I like that they seemed like actual enemies until they weren’t. I love how in The Eclipse Akk and Ayan keep giving each other long lingering looks while they’re “enemies,” but I’m glad that Sean and White didn’t do that. They behaved like antagonists until they stopped. Sean genuinely hated the person he thought was Black, and acted that way, until he stopped. And I could see that White was intrigued by Sean, and probably attracted to him, but he was keeping his distance and mostly he was confused and trying to solve the mystery.
Probably my favorite scene with them was the one in Black’s bedroom – the first time they start to really be vulnerable with each other. I can’t remember all the details anymore, but it had such a feeling of intimacy and warmth. Similar to their sex scene in the tent, actually. The way it was filmed and edited, with tight close-ups and shots through the netting on the tent. I love the way they asked each other what they liked, that was very sexy. There were so many details about their interactions that felt real and specific to them as characters.
Oh, and the scene under the rainbow flag!! That was amazing, not just because of them, but I loved their interaction there - the freedom and joy in White’s body, the way they saw each other on opposite sides, the way we could see Sean… not falling in love yet.. but maybe beginning to see “Black” as the person White actually was. (Oh! It was Sean’s fanfic oh moment.)
I guess I’m mostly writing about moments with them. But overall I just felt good about them as a couple. It seemed like they were people who loved each other and supported each other and would continue to support each other. There’s a lot to say about the way White kept lying about his identity, probably past the point where he should, and how he pulled away from Sean when Black asked him to. And how they started in violence. But those rough parts don’t really ruin my feeling that they’re just good together.
GramBlack: I get why people ship them, based on that card in Gram’s room, but I don’t see any textual evidence for it. Gram turned out to be only interested in Eugene, and I honestly have no idea of what Black thought about most things, but I didn’t see anything to indicate he was interested in Gram. He seemed pretty dismissive of him in the few interactions we saw. I didn’t really get the sense from either of them that they were attracted to or romantically interested in each other.
I imagine that there could be a lot of amazing fanfic written about them anyway! But since I’m not going to get into the fanfic for this show, I see them as very non romantic.
I am curious about what their relationship actually was though. Because the way that Gram treated White-pretending-to-be-Black was very friendly and helpful, indicating that they’d been close friends, and that they worked together regularly. But when Black showed up, he all but ignored Gram. Was he changed by nearly being murdered? Or was he always like that with Gram?
ToddBlack. Black and Todd are very intriguing, in part because they are in the background most of the time, but they are also the ones who are responsible for initiating everything that happened.
I think the Not Me world felt too real for me to ship such a toxic relationship, if we are talking about ToddBlack as a romantic relationship. They have fundamental moral and ideological differences, and have hurt each other so much, so it would never make sense for them to be together. Maybe they used to be boyfriends or fuckbuddies, before Black got radicalized. Maybe they had hot and/or miserable hate sex with each other after Black returned from the near dead. But I can’t see them in a relationship now, even without Todd being in a coma. And even ignoring the fact that they each beat the other so severely they ended up in a coma. In something like KinnPorsche I could imagine a relationship coming out of that, but not in Not Me.
If we’re not talking about romance, then I’m fascinated by Todd and Black’s relationship. I’m fascinated by Black in general – how did he become the person he is today? How did his radicalization happen? How did he change from the rich kid, judge’s son, friends with Todd, to an anarchist(?) leading missions to destroy property and ready to fuck shit up? What even are his political beliefs? Does he have an ideology?
I really want to know their history together. From what I can tell, they used to be very close friends, and ideologically aligned. It seemed like they had dreams and plans to fight Tawi (which is this show’s lightly veiled stand-in for the authoritarian Thai government) together. But then somehow their ideologies shifted in opposite directions - Black got radicalized and Todd started to believe that he could play god with his money. And now they’re in this twisted mess of hate and love and old affection and deep ideological conflict. And it seems like Black sees the chasm between them for what it is, and hates Todd for what he’s become, only slightly tempered by the old love. While Todd genuinely thinks they can repair things, that he hasn’t become the enemy, and it seems like his love is stronger than his hate.
But what kind of love they had, I couldn’t tell. Was it romantic? Friendship? Comrades? It seems like it was intense, whatever it was, to produce the shards that we see. I have so many questions about them. What were their dreams? When did things start to go wrong between them? Why did Todd attack Black to begin with? Was it all a plot to infiltrate his crew? Was it in anger? (Maybe some of these were answered in the series, I haven’t rewatched to check.)
DanYok. Oh DanYok. Honestly I kinda just shut my mind down to them at the gallery reunion scene and tried not to think about them because I was feeling so upset about it. But there is a lot of stuff surrounding them that is worth thinking about, so I will open my mind back up.
Starting at the beginning. They were adorable. As much as rescuing someone from a fire you started yourself can be called “cute,” I loved their meetcute. And Yok’s fascination with UNAR, his hunt to find him, all of that. The kidnapping was maybe a little silly, but I loved that whole scene at Dan’s art studio hideout. Yok’s flirting (oh my), Dan’s distrust turned to shyness. And everything about Yok drawing Dan was so powerful.
Their whole relationship I was kind of on the edge, wanting to trust him, but not sure that I should. So when he appeared in the hospital with the other cops, I was both shocked and not. But I ached for Yok at that betrayal. And even his last minute switch to helping them escape… it didn’t redeem him for me yet.
Frankly, I was hoping that Dan would just disappear from Yok’s life, and their goodbye at the hospital would be the last time they saw each other. I really did not want to see Yok welcome him back. I want nothing but happiness for Yok, and seeing Dan again clearly made him happy, but my visceral reaction is that I’ve completely lost trust in Dan and want him far away from Yok.
HOWEVER. This brings up important questions about redemption and responsibility and change. And Dan quit his job as a cop, so the show was not asking us (and Yok) to accept him as the same person. And of course he was blackmailed into betraying Yok and his crew. (Assuming I understood that scene correctly, but I’m pretty sure that rich guy threatened Dan’s family.) So it’s not that I think he’s irredeemable. I guess I also don’t trust him because he clung to being a cop for so long. Which I think was intentional on the part of Nuchy et al. – my read is that they wanted to interrogate the question of the role of the police in society. And they did that through him. Which I guess would mean that their answer is: cops cannot do good while they’re cops. The system will force them to betray the people. Dan was full of good intentions but in the end he was on the state’s Tawi’s side in the final confrontation. It is only after he quit that he was allowed to approach Yok again.
So redemption. Of course I have to believe people can and do change. I think I just struggle with the idea of redeeming a police officer, especially after the barrage of US American copaganda media that wants us to feel sorry for the poor cops who are at war with the criminals and forced to make difficult decisions and kill. BUT. That is not actually what Not Me is doing with Dan, and if I let go of that imported baggage, I can have hope for a future for Yok and Dan together. It’s just the beginning of their story, so we don’t get to see him change, but I do believe it’s possible.
So you asked me about relationships and half the words I wrote were about politics. I guess for me in this show they are intimately twined. I hope that this makes sense and at least sort of answered your question, anon. Thanks for this ask! It’s helped me work through a lot of the swirling thoughts I have about Not Me.
#not me#not me the series#seanwhite#danyok#toddblack#gramblack#asks answered#my ramblings#this feels like i splatted out a bunch of disconnected thoughts#and there's so much more i could say about them all#but its tumblr so its ok#anon asks
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Creased Hoodies (Chapter 9: Preparations) [Folds in Time Universe]
Fandom: Sander Sides
Relationships: Logan/Virgil, Janus/Patton (background), Remus & Roman (background)
Characters:
Main: Logan, Virgil
Appear: Patton, Roman
Mentioned: Janus, Remus
Summary: Virgil just wanted to go on his planned summer research trip to do an anthropological study in 2005 America. However, when he is taken off course by an unknown enemy, he ends up stranded in the summer of 2018 with no way to get back the the 44rd century. Luckily, 2018 happens to be where a certain illegal time agency is based, and he might have an in with one of its agents.
This is the intermission for the story Folds in Paper. It takes place between Folds in Paper Book 1 and Book 2. It also takes place after the first 5 chapter of “Messages for a Hacker” which are side stories in the universe. Check all of this and more out on my Folds in Time Master Post.
Chapter Summary: Everyone gets ready for the trip to Cuba.
Notes: Time travel AU
This is a fic I’ve been writing on study breaks that you have probably all already seen at this point. I’ve slightly edited it for wording and grammar, but not for content from my previous posts. Feel free to send in asks to direct it because I’m not 100% sure where this is going and you can help decide if you feel so inclined! You can see the process I went through to build this at this link.
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8
It took a little over two weeks for Logan to get everything in order. He’d already been in the process of updating all of their equipment for quite some time, and their current situation spurned him to complete these improvements even sooner. That was easy.
What was more difficult was trying to meet all of Patton’s demands for his new survival kit. His list had already been quite long when Logan had started, but Patton had continued to add to it. It seemed like the list would be endless for a short while as Patton had been adding things as fast or faster than Logan could address them.
He’d even slipped in a request for a boat at one point despite Logan’s protests that Camaguey was nowhere near the sea.
Virgil, thankfully, didn’t seem to mind the delays too much. In fact, he may have had a hand in causing some of them. His natural inclination towards anxiety seemed to infect Patton who had already been stressed given his last trip through time. Patton’s request for the boat had come after one of their brainstorming sessions.
Virgil and Patton were spending a good amount of time together, actually, as Logan worked on supplies. Virgil had offered to help Patton with researching. While Patton was fairly good at doing his own research for time travel destinations at this point, Virgil was undeniably more experienced with that sort of thing considering his profession and his involvement with the TPI. Patton seemed to appreciate his input.
Roman, on the other hand, decidedly did not appreciate Virgil’s input on things. The two of them were prone to arguments about clothing which had gone beyond talking about Cuban clothing days ago. They were currently refusing to speak to each other after a discussion about the fabric composition of Ancient Greek clothing over dinner the night before.
Logan honestly… could not tell if these fights were friendly debates or not. There seemed to be a lot of anger around the topics, but they also seemed to enjoy their arguments to an odd degree.
Logan had inquired after Patton’s opinion on the matter, but he’d shrugged and claimed he also could not tell.
Neither Roman nor Virgil’s responses when asked directly about the nature of their relationship was helpful either, but Logan had noticed Roman slightly change the design of the outfit he’d made for Patton’s trip to Cuba.
Virgil was helpful in preparing for the mission, taking some of the stress of research off of Patton and Roman which was nice. He was not much help to Logan’s endeavors unless you counted the original intel. He had a basic understanding of mathematics and physics, but not enough to help in that regard.
He was, however, very good for company. It helped that his sleep schedule much more closely resembled Logan’s own in those weeks unlike the other occupants of the apartment. Typically, Roman and Patton went to sleep at a much earlier hour than Logan did himself and Logan would work alone in the living room. However, with Virgil living in the apartment, there was constant companionship while Logan worked. If it was less volatile company than he was used to working with, that was just a bonus.
Virgil fit into their little group in a way that Logan had not anticipated. (Well, socially he fit. Physically, there were simply not enough beds and Logan had been sleeping on the couch for over two weeks now.)
Eventually, with all of their combined efforts, everything was ready to go. Patton was supplied with three different time appropriate outfits, a good amount of knowledge about the festivities he was about to step into, new time travel equipment, and a survival pack that could help him survive in an apocalypse if needed.
Patton planned to arrive in Cuba two days earlier than the TPI protocol would dictate Janus be sent in. That way, he would have more than adequate time to get set up and acclimated before the TPI sent in their agents.
For now, however, he was busy examining his new and improved timepiece.
“This is cool,” Patton breathed, flexing his fingers to see the hidden screen on his palms light up with a map of the area.
“The controls are the same configuration as on your previous device. The only thing new is the control panel to control the cloaking technology and the button to access the survival kit features.
“It looks great, Lo,” Patton said, still flexing his fingers to get used to it. He changed it to its default state of a metal band projecting the screen and then back to the time appropriate bracelet Roman had designed. There weren’t many options for the device’s form yet, but more could be designed and added in the future. For now, it only had the default band, the bracelet, and a simple wristwatch.
“I’ve already tested it a good number of times, but you should familiarize yourself with it anyway before your trip.
Patton nodded, flicking his fingers. He disappeared for a moment before reappearing in the same place. Then, he did it again and reappeared directly next to where he’d been standing. He did a few other simple mini trips before predictably growing bored and starting to do ‘tricks’ which mostly involved landing in ridiculous poses and “accidently” jump scaring everyone in the apartment at least twice.
Eventually, Logan confiscated the device for the evening so they could have dinner in peace.
Patton went to bed early after dinner, planning on leaving the next morning. Roman also retired to his room shortly after leaving Logan and Virgil alone in the living room.
Despite knowing his calculations were perfect, Logan still found himself sitting on the couch and checking over them one last time, just to be sure. Virgil sat on the floor with his back against the couch watching videos on Logan’s cell phone with headphones borrowed from Patton’s collection.
He glanced up when Logan shifted positions and Logan flashed him a smile.
Virgil removed the headphones to speak. “Thanks, by the way,” he said. “I already said it to Patton and will again in the morning, but thanks for helping me out with all of this.”
“It wouldn’t have been particularly kind of us to leave you stranded,” Logan pointed out.
“Sure,” Virgil said, “but you still all have been working really hard. Right now you’re up at 3am working on it.”
Logan shrugged. “I’d likely be up working at 3am on something anyway,” he replied.
“Maybe,” Virgil said, “but this time you’re doing it for me, so yeah, thanks.”
“You’re welcome then,” Logan replied. “Any time.”
Virgil titled his head and grinned at him. “Was that a time travel pun?” he asked.
Logan scowled instantly. “No.”
“It sounded like a time travel pun…”
“It was not intentional. I will never intentionally say a pun,” Logan said.
“You’re telling me you live with Patton and never make any puns?” Virgil asked.
“I, unlike my roommates, am a responsible adult,” Logan insisted.
Virgil seemed skeptical. “Is that why you’re drinking forbidden coffee out of an orange juice carton at 3am?”
“Not so loud!” Logan hissed instantly. He leaned forward to put his hand over Virgil’s mouth while glancing back towards the hallways to see if anyone was about to come storming into the living room with yet another intervention.
Logan’s hand was bit.
“Ow!” Logan exclaimed, tearing the hand away.
Despite his childish violence (or perhaps because of it), Virgil’s eyes were shining.
“How do you know?” Logan asked in a whisper. The ruse had been working on Roman and Patton for years as neither of them liked orange juice.
Virgil rolled his eyes. “I can smell it,” he said. “I’m not dumb.”
“It’s worked on everyone else,” Logan said.
“No,” Virgil said. “It’s worked on one dramatic idiot and one man who trusts people not to lie to him way too much. I, however, am a paranoid bastard with a doctorate degree in human bullshittery. You cannot fool me.”
Logan couldn’t help but smile. “I suppose I have met my match then,” he said.
Virgil titled his head back all the way, so his skull rested on the couch cushion, and he was staring straight up at Logan with his piercing hazel eyes. “Heck yeah you have,” Virgil said with a grin.
Logan was not much for sentimentality, especially not romantic sentimentality, but there was something about the shadows softening the edges of the rooms and the almost golden glint in Virgil’s eyes from the reflection of the lit lamp that suddenly made it more difficult to breathe.
Virgil was relaxed here in Logan’s apartment at 3 in the morning. His eyes were softened with sleepiness as he looked up at Logan with a smile on his face.
He fit here, Logan thought. He slotted into Logan’s life with an ease Logan could never have anticipated. He’d found Professor Virgil Eran interesting from the moment he’d first heard him speak over the telephone. He’d found him endearing when they’d corresponded through emails and occasionally one-sided video chats. Yet it was different with him right here in front of Logan.
Logan could reach down right now and touch him with ease if he chose to. He could brush his slightly unruly hair out of his eyes. Logan wondered what Virgil would do. Would his eyes shine the same way they had after biting Logan earlier. Would he grin wider than he was now? Would he get embarrassed like he did the first day in the coffee shop after oversharing?
“You… good man?” Virgil asked, pulling Logan from his musings.
“I am perfectly well,” Logan replied, clearing his throat. He glanced away from Virgil. “I think perhaps my roommates have a bit of a point when it comes to caffeine.”
“What do you mean?” Virgil asked.
“I find myself a bit disconcerted at the moment.”
“Well, maybe a carton full of iced coffee at 3am is not the best choice,” Virgil said in good humor. “You aren’t a college kid anymore.”
Logan glanced down at the college professor on his living room floor. “Well, thank goodness for that,” he mumbled.
Virgil gave him an odd look but didn’t comment.
“You know,” he said instead. “I think your calculations are probably fine anyway,” He reached up to gently taking the papers out of Logan’s grip. “Why don’t you put the coffee away and we do something else?”
“Like sleep?” Logan asked.
“Do you think you’ll be sleeping anytime soon?” Virgil inquired with an eyebrow raised.
“Fair point,” Logan replied ruefully.
Virgil grabbed the television remote from the coffee table. “Why don’t we watch a bit of that time inappropriate copy of the Epithet File I know you have.”
“Sure,” Logan agreed. He glanced down at Virgil who was already turning on the television. “You can come onto the couch if you like.”
“Nah,” said Virgil without looking at him. “You can come to the floor.
Logan sighed. “Very well,” he agreed and slid to the floor.
Want to read more? Click below!
Folds in Time Universe Master Post
My Main Masterpost
#sanders sides#virgil sanders#analogical#logan sanders#roman sanders#patton sanders#mentioned moceit#mentioned janus sanders#mentioned remus sanders#time travel au#folds in time universe#creased hoodies#adriana writes
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New Year Fanfic Asks (3/5)
11. Would you like to try any new fanfic genres or tropes this year?
It will be difficult to find something I haven’t done. However, there are many things I have written in the key of two Imladris Advisers, that I have not tried out with the Bling Kings, so perhaps that.
12. Will you change anything about the way you edit or rewrite this year?
Nope, I’ll still be a chaotic buttercup who posts in the middle of the night and sometimes has someone look over my shoulder and make suggestions while I’m writing, but unless there’s a ‘use a beta’ notation, these stories get posted as they are, we die like Men of Gondor, and then like fifteen years later I’ll do a revision and correct the additional typos then.
13. Aside from fanfic, are there any other fan works you’d like to try creating? Fanart, or fanvids, gifsets, or podfic?
I’ve done fanart, will probably do more. (As of last year, I have publicly displayed artwork with one of those fancy engraved nameplates and the description of the work attached to the wall next to it, so I think more art will happen in more than one way.) Videos, unsure. I unearthed some old animations I did for the fandom a long while ago; if you’re in a discord with me you may have seen those shares. Unlikely on gifsets. Podfic – I’m working through logistics. I do a fair amount of live reading, and I have a good microphone (with pretty colors) now, so I really should. I need people to poke me about those.
14. Have you ever lost large chunks of your work in the past, due to not backing up your work? Will you change your methods this year?
The year was…well, it had to be either 2002 or 2003. I’m working part time, and I carry my disks with me (yes disks) that have fanfics on them. And I’ve got a few of them, including the one with the original Little Balrog with me at work. And a student worker picked them up from the desk and set them onto the desensitiser unit–the one that demagnetizes things. And I immediately said, ‘Well, you just ruined all of my disks,’ and we had a lesson on why one does not move things that are not theirs, and why they absolutely put nothing but books on the desensitizer (we had a different unit for the VHS tapes, because it could mess those up, too). So I did rewrite Little Balrog, and it turned out a little different, there’s a whole part in the beginning with Elrond, Erestor, and Glorfindel having a long discussion that I just skipped rewriting. However, that means I have been a backup the backup of the backup person since then – I have so many flash drives of everything, and paper copies, and copies in the cloud, and I don’t trust technology since then, so it’s been a good 20 year run of tech not failing. Now, whether I can FIND the flashdrive, the disk, the CD… >.> They’re around here somewhere… I also did a fair amount of sending fics to Yahoo!Groups and then not archiving them, so that is what I’m working on, is getting things archived on AO3.
15. Do you foresee any personal or professional obstacles this year, that would keep you from creating fanworks?
Yeah, I’m currently trying to make a huge decision between staying in the librarian & professor camp or shifting into management. Pros and cons to both. I have about 11 years left in my plans of how long I anticipate working before retirement (I have been in the workforce since 1995; 40 years of working seems like a fair amount in my opinion). I waffle on this on a daily basis, whether I want to continue what I’m doing for the duration, or to try one more adventure. Strangely enough, I think the latter would actually mean more free time, because what I do now is work a full time job plus a part time job, and that can be 60 or more hours a week, especially during midterms and finals.
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being jealous of younger folx & learning why i have passive and asshole-y solutions 4 those who follow me around
Written Wednesday, July 26th at 7:44PM
Finally transferring the files over to my laptop for edit. The next few days will be a fun ride.
I was showering right now and I thought about my friendship with Ray, whether I’ll be in grad school in the next couple years, who I will be when I’m in grad school, how I’ll change as time passes, and how I’ll continue to grow into the person I hope to be.
I had a call around 5pm that made me confront my difficulty for accepting and celebrating the accomplishments of those who are younger than me. That’s actually one of my biggest secrets - that I am intimidated, envious, and jealous of those who are achieving a lot more than me at a younger age.
I can logically understand that there can’t be a comparison when everyone’s experience varies significantly based on a myriad of factors, but for some reason, my emotional side gets charged up when I am forced to confront this feeling.
However, I’m determined to overcome it as an obstacle in my life. In the same way that I squashed the lunch invitation from a kind and much, much older stranger from the gym or when I realized my denial about my sister’s marriage with her partner is because I’m scared of losing our relationship, I can definitely tackle this new bump in the road. Perhaps I won't do it headstrong, but I can gradually overcome this, even if it causes minor discomfort to my life.
I want to explore and confront my own feelings of insecurity when it comes to witnessing younger folks achieve greater things than me. What I want from myself is to accept it - like truly accept it, celebrate and even learn from their wins, and hope that they will continue to grow and become great people to positively impact the world.
I need to also realize that I’ve accomplished some huge feats that have made ripples across wherever I was at the time whether high school, UCSB, or the industry I’m currently working in. If I am to sit and try to pinpoint when this insecurity developed was perhaps senior year when I was serving as ASB president and my VP was much better at delegating tasks and handling business than I was. I was pure passion and spirit, but I lacked the ability to lead and support my team members entirely.
It’s probably not likely that that one specific experience is the reason this insecurity manifested and grew over time, but it was a strong one if I could identify it that quick. Feeling inadequate next to someone younger than you, and feeling like you aren’t doing as good as someone who had less years on Earth than you, sucked. Instead of facing my jealousy and doing my best to learn from her and grow with her, I internally ran from it.
I avoided situations where confrontation was involved. I struggled to speak up and voice my concerns. This led to me not embodying leadership in the way I acted. I was passive and scared and I let those feelings take over me, control me, even up to this point at 25 years old.
There isn’t as much shame that’s around that feeling as there used to be, which I’m happy about. It feels cleansing and healing to sit and write out what I’ve been feeling on and off for a while, and letting myself process it without personal judgement. My insecurities are human and valid, but I want to empower myself and remember the following:
Comparison won’t make me feel better about my situation, so I’ll embrace myself and who I am.
Just as much as I may envy another person, they may be feeling that way about me. The grass is not always greener on the other side.
I am of high value, and I will remember that. I know that I bring plenty of perspectives, valuable opinions, and knowledge to the table
I am a massive asset.
Everyone has a different starting point. The way I win is to do my very best, in my own unique way.
At the end of the day, I’m certain every human has their own uncomfortable secrets they sit with everyday. It’s alright that I have my own and it’s cathartic to let mine go and release it into the air without feeling embarrassment.
This isn’t it for all the thinking. While I transfer my photos, I have more thoughts I’d like to share. One in particular is a thought I’ve been trying to process for a while now.
I don’t know how I’d best navigate someone being annoying to me, because I’m too afraid of hurting their feelings. Okay, this is actually a beast of something to write so bare with me as I try to discuss the intangible.
While on a trip, I was stuck with one other person and this person annoyed the life out of me. I couldn’t handle it. I wanted to explode. I wasn’t able to communicate to this person that I was actually fed the fuck up with them and not anyone else, so I made up another reason I was so irritable. But in fact, it was that person that was getting on my nerves.
The amount of yo-yoing cognitive dissonance, fluctuating empathy and remorse I felt through this trip was insane. Something I don’t ever want to experience again in my life. There were times when logically I was able to understand where this person was coming from and how their need to follow me was for their own comfort and safety. But at the same time, I was listening to the other side of my brain that was screaming, “GET A LIFE! WHY CAN’T YOU BE SELF-SUSTAINABLE AND HANDLE YOUR OWN SHIT! FIGURE IT OUT! I AM NOT HERE TO CONSTANTLY HELP YOU!”
I know. How could the Human Sun think something like that? It’s mean, it’s insensitive, it’s bad. I know. But! I won’t judge myself, I want to let myself process and understand where this came from and why it’s happened.
When I was in high school around my 9th or 10th grade year, I had one friend who had a tendency to follow me around. She definitely admired me, cared for me, and wanted to be my best friend, but for some reason, I wasn’t attracted to the conversations we had or the activities we shared together (not really any). At some point, I couldn’t find the best way to manuver this unrequited friendship, so I distanced myself and later on, she got the hint that I probably wasn’t trying to be best friends. Back then, I was most likely relieved and carried on with my life happily, knowing there didn’t have to be any confrontation or a huge ordeal about it.
In retrospect, that was not the greatest way to solve the issue. It was passive and kind of, if not completely, asshole-y. This time around, it happened at 25 and I sort of took the same route! If this happens again in the future, I want to be mindful of why I feel what I feel and how to combat it kindly and gently. Here are some explorations of my actions in this situation:
I would rather people I’m annoyed at find a problem with me, than me find a problem with them even though I already know I have a problem with them.
Ok, reading this sentence back - why do I do this? It’s like, subconscious mind games.
Are we all a little manipulative as human beings? I wonder.
I would rather these people not like me than me make it clear and audible that I don’t like their behavior, because I don’t want to hurt them.
Curious to know if this is rooted in my people pleasing tendencies? I’m not sure. It’s interesting.
I’m learning that we as humans try to find solutions throughout our lives as we’re faced with various kinds of obstacles, and some of them we keep into our adulthood or leave in our childhood based on their effectiveness. Sometimes, we’re aware of them and sometimes, we’re not.
The power to be aware of my subconscious behavior is helpful, but it’s also difficult when my emotions are fighting against knowing usually what’s right. My mindfulness side of the brain is usually right. It’s calm, centered, aware, and in control. My emotional side tends to lack regulation and allows me to jump into the pool of instant gratification, where I avoid effective communication, confronting my own feelings, and choosing the right path forward for a more productive and healthy life.
I might not have all the answers as to why I act passively, distance myself from others, or even lie when they annoy me. But I'm digging up the clues and I'm determined to improve myself. Here is a little game plan for me in the future so I can be a better person in my relationships with people I find annoying:
Clearly and kindly communicate your needs and boundaries with the people around you. Honestly is important.
Prioritize emotional regulation and empathy at times of peak frustration. Can you let your mindfulness take over and act upon these deeds?
Try to avoid falling into instant gratification and be angry, passive aggressive, or lie. These will only increase your stress as time goes on.
The more productive and effective you are in this situation, which means confronting, addressing, or handling the issue like a boss, the less stress it will put on you and it will allow you to move forward and be in control of your life.
It’s interesting sitting here in the thick of my filmmaking process but still having the time to write out all the internal processes that happen in my head without me really noticing, until I notice it. At the end of the day, I really am a humanny human.
Oh! One last thing. One mundane thing in my life that I love when I do it is wash my hands. I love washing my hands. I find it a completely meditative, wholesome, clean, wonderful process that I do everyday that I love. Especially when I have good hand soap.
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Thank YOU <33 This is a long ass story tbh... tw is only the mental issues that i had to deal with, but now I can handle them pretty well. I also has set no reblog for this ask because my friend is also using tumblr and I don't want her to see this. (no one will reblog anyway
I’m a George stan and lived with a Max stan, probably the biggest George anti for two years. I started watching F1 because of her, and thought we will be fine, because we were good friends and drivers can’t change this fact at all. I always gave her Max merch for her birthday or when I wanted to buy something for myself etc etc
We were all good and fun but on March she moved to Netherlands and won’t be back in the future I think, I have to stay here because my family are and it’s still the best option for me. I had a serious separation anxiety disorder and started crying everyday from a week before her move out day and it lasted around two weeks? I stayed in the apartment alone and tried my best to get my shit together, but on April I was laid off from my job. At that time I had no income and had to seek for jobs and also a cheaper apartment because I couldn’t afford the current one anymore. I even had to find a therapist.
I decided to go to Miami GP to relax myself a little, and you know that’s right after the George and Max argument😅 I didn’t talk about this with my friend because I thought that’s not a big deal and ppl think they're funny, until when I was on my way to the airport to Miami I saw her using some bad words (like really bad) to talk about George then blocked two of my F1 related accounts, and she didn’t want to talk to me about this at all. At first I was angry then it became self doubting, like what if she doesn’t even like me in the first place (because her other mutuals also post George sometimes), what if I was not a good friend and good roommate for her. I know I’m a mediocre person, acted like too needy to her, always making troubles when cooking, and she never liked my cat. My parents are divorced and will never have a happy and healthy family like hers. My friends said it’s not worth it because I do have other friends to hangout but it’s not that simple for me, it hurts more than when you suddenly thinking about your ex girlfriend at midnight and makes you wanna cry lmao
Then after June I am living with my friend in a new apartment and can at least earn some money, everything becomes better. At this time I started writing russtappen fic😁… At first it’s only for revenge, kind of? I know she's using AO3 as well and I do curious about her reaction when she saw it, would she read it or not. To write Max more in character, I searched a lot of contents about him (I was neutral about Max and never got to know him tbh, just followed the fellow merc fans for the anti rbr train before), found out that he’s somehow an interesting person. Then I am digging russtappen contents on tiktok and here, of course I saw all your drawing and edits, they are amazing!! <3 I still don’t think the Max that I wrote is in character, because it’s a gender reversed AU and russtappen in my fic are actually much more gentle and idealized than irl. Luckily I got more interacts than I thought, the fic is non-english but there’re ppl willing to translate it and wrote me comments, i appreciate!
Now I think my F1 opinions may be changed compare to the time I just started watching. Of course I’m still a George stan, but i don’t even consider myself as a merc fan by how George is being treated, and I am kinda tired for the hate toward Max only because he’s fast. At least he loves his cats much much more than Alex does. While continue finishing my fic, I am actually talking to my friend again. It’s me who usually start the conversations and her responds are not enthusiastic tbh, (we don’t talk about my fic, not even our daily life, just some memes like the logan sargeant update on twitter) I don’t know if this is toxic or unhealthy for me, I just realized that maybe I don’t care about her that much anymore and don’t care about how she feels about me. And that’s the end. wOW it is long and i hope no one will finish reading this. As a conclusion I will stay away from Libras for the rest of my life because they're heartless
stranger anon i don't have anything to contribute bc wow!!! the layers!!! but im happy about ur life and f1 journey....hoping everything continues on the upward trajectory bwahaha ^_^. losing friendships is hard but sometimes it's just the best path ahead for your own sanity yk? thank you for sharing <3. my inbox is always open for anything
and also max verstappen is a libra
#asks#stranger anon tag#long post#anti alex#(tagged just in case)#i might search for this fic too......#AND ALSO INBOX IS OPEN FOR ANYONEE
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TO LOVE AND BE LOVED - Part Six (Harry Styles)
a/n: LAST PART OMG!! im a little emotional this story has come to its end but it already ended up like twice as long as i planned it to be haha! thank you so much for reading and loving the story, it means so much to me and i loved seeing your reactions as the plot developped! i hope you guys will be happy with the ending our pair got and i can’t wait to read your thoughts about the series as a whole!!
pairing: CEO!Dad!Harry X Reader
warning: mentions of death, cheating and divorce, sexual content
word count: 14.8k
SERIES MASTERPOST
masterlist
Waking up next to Harry is probably your most favorite thing in the entire world right now and you’ve been able to experience it every morning since you dropped Izzy off at Anne’s. You’re missing her like crazy and can’t wait to have her back, but part of you is desperate to stretch these days as long as possible, because you’re not sure if Harry will be comfortable with you sleeping in his room once his little one is back under the roof.
It’s always the same, yet you can’t get enough of it. Harry grumbles as he turns the alarm off, snuggles back to you for just a few minutes before he forces himself to take a shower. In the meantime you start breakfast and his coffee waits for him ready by the time he joins you in the kitchen. You eat together, sometimes talking, sometimes just silently enjoying each other’s presence and it’s the perfect way to start your days.
Then Harry is off to work and you go for whatever shooting you had planned for the day. Luckily, you’ve been keeping yourself busy. If your day ended early, you always found something else to do, you picked Trevor up another time and also managed to have lunch with Harry on Thursday which was such a nice change, even if it was just eating takeout in his office because you were in the neighborhood and he had some time to see you.
Now it’s Friday and you’re spending it with some editing and eventually packing, since you’re leaving to the countryside for Sarah and Mitch’s wedding when Harry comes home. You’ve been looking forward to this weekend all week, you had a few phone calls with Sarah and the two of you hit it off quite well, you can’t wait to finally attend the wedding. And also because Harry is coming with you, so it’ll be a kind of weekend getaway even though the two of you have been alone home all week.
Harry runs a little late from work so you leave about an hour later than you planned, but it’s all good, since nothing is planned for the evening, you just wanted to be at the location on time. It’s going to be a small wedding, nothing extra and it’s held in an inn near the beach, the perfect spot in your opinion, especially because even the weather seems to be celebration the occasion and it won’t be raining cats and dogs.
Heather: A double date? I don’t know, who’s the guy?
You’re texting Heather in the car and you finally bring up the possibility of going on a double date with Niall.
Y/N: Photo attachment
Y/N: He is a cool guy, I think you would like him!
Heather: He surely is hot! Alright, we’ll see. Anyway, have fun with your super hot and rich boyfriend this weekend! Tell me all about the wedding next week!
Y/N: Thanks!
Your eyes scan over the word boyfriend. You didn’t want to correct her and tell her that you are not boyfriend and girlfriend, just dating, because you kind of enjoy the thought of being an official item. It’s been just a few weeks since it all started and you know that Harry needs to take things in his own pace, but that doesn’t mean you don’t like to play with the thought.
You’re aching to finally call him your boyfriend or what’s better, hear him call you his girlfriend. The thought of calling this man yours is making you go nuts but you need to be patient with him. He has gone through so much change lately, you can’t let your silliness ruin it for the both of you.
It’s late by the time you arrive to the Inn and you both feel exhausted from the ride so you want nothing else than to get a good night sleep before the wedding tomorrow.
“I’m so glad you’re here!” Sarah greets the two of you when you walk into the Inn. She envelopes you in a warm hug before doing the same with Harry. IN the meanwhile, Mitch has also appeared and he greets you with a short hug as well before giving a brotherly hug to Harry. “Had a safe ride?”
“Yeah, everything went fine,” you nod smiling.
“Great. Well, here is your room key, made sure you two are getting one of the larger rooms,” Sara smiles slyly, but you’re taken aback by something else.
“We’re sharing a room?” you ask turning to Harry, who seems nervous about your question, though it wasn’t your intention to make him ashamed in any kind of way.
“Oh, yeah. I mean, Sarah asked me this week which room I want and I told her we would be sharing… Is that okay? We-we could ask for a room for you as well if y—“
“Harry,” you chuckles softly, giving his hand a squeeze. “I would love to share, I just wasn’t expecting you to want to do the same is all,” you tell him and you can see the relief in his eyes instantly.
You talk over a few things with Sarah before taking your stuff up to the room and calling it a night. Harry takes a shower first in the small bathroom that’s joined to your room and in the meantime you hang your dress up so it doesn’t get too wrinkly by the morning. Then you just get all your equipment done, making sure everything is full and loaded for the big day tomorrow. When Harry is done you take your turn and the hot shower feels nice, quite relaxing. Walking out you find Harry lying in bed, typing on his phone, he smiles up at you when you join him in bed.
“My mum sent me this. They went to the park today.” He turns the screen towards you and a photo of Izzy is shown with ice-cream all over her face, grinning happily into the camera.
“She could literally live on ice-cream,” you chuckle, making yourself comfortable under the sheets.
“And gummy bears,” Harry chuckles before locking his phone and putting it to the side table. He is quick to wrap his arms around you, pulling you against his side and you smile as you snuggle to him, enjoying the heat of his body. “Good night, love,” he murmurs, pressing a soft kiss to the top of your head.
“Good night, H,” you softly reply before letting yourself drift to sleep within seconds.
You already have a lot of experience with weddings and no matter how big or small it is, the day is always a little bit chaotic, everyone is all over the place, there’s no time for just messing around, especially for you.
Following a nice breakfast with Harry on the tiny balcony that’s connected to your room, you are forced to part since Harry is supposed to be with all the other guys, getting ready in the room that’s reserved for Mitch, while you kind of need to be everywhere at the same time, but you obviously spend the most time with Sarah, wanting to capture all her best moments.
Sometime around noon you get about an hour off while everyone else is getting lunch and Harry texts you to join him on the mole down the beach that runs just below the inn. When you arrive he is already sitting on one of the old wood benches with a pizza box on his lap.
“Hey,” you smile softly and leaning down you peck his lips quickly before joining him on the bench.
“The boy ordered pizza and I got one for us too, hope it’s okay.”
“Of course, I didn’t even think about lunch until you texted,” you chuckle as he settles the box between the two of you and you both take a slice.
“So how are the photos coming up so far?”
“Good, I’ll have a ton of editing to do, but I think they will like the outcome.”
“Can I have a sneak peek of them?” he smirks playfully, but you shake your head.
“No, the first ones to see them will be Sarah and Mitch, sorry,” you chuckle as he pouts his lips at you, but goes back to his slice right after.
You both are just enjoying the quiet for a little, having had a busy day so far, exchanging very few words, but it’s still a nice time spent together. It is just the two of you until a guy approaches you on the mole.
“Hey guys! Mitch wondered where you went, H,” he smirks down at Harry before his eyes land on you. He is tall, but not as tall as Harry, rocking a noticeable beard and he is wearing the same outfit as Harry: maroon pants with a crispy white dress shirt. “Oh, you’re the photographer, right?” he smiles at you.
“Yeah, I’m Y/N,” you answer nicely, holding out a hand for him.
“I’m Landon, Mitch’s cousin,” he nods with a charming smile. “Sorry for interrupting your lunch guys. Just wanted to let you know that Mitch wants to do a round of shots when everyone’s back,” he chuckles.
“He is gonna be so hammered,” Harry chuckles shaking his head. “I’ll be back soon, thanks Landon.”
“No worries. I’ll see you around, Y/N,” he smiles at you before turning around and walking back to the inn. You catch Harry’s eyes for a moment and you have a guess what he is thinking about. Landon seemed to like you, with his flirty smiles and friendly introduction, he was surely thinking about shooting his shot, but he might not know that you’re dating Harry.
However he doesn’t say anything, just continues to eat his lunch in silence and quite frankly, you forget about Landon’s existence pretty fast.
After lunch it gets a bit hectic. The ceremony is starting at 3, so you don’t have much time left. You do the first look reveal thing and this time their son, James is included in it, which is honestly such a pure moment and capturing it feels like a privilege.
Soon enough the guests are starting to arrive and you quickly run up to the room to change into your dress. Most of the time you are not required to dress up for the job, but you like to blend into the crowd so you usually choose to wear a nice dress and you’re doing the same this time as well. You’ve brought a pastel yellow satin dress that teases a little cleavage, and you pair it with a cream colored cardigan, creating a simple but still elegant look for the rest of the day. You’re fixing your makeup in a hurry when the door opens and Harry walks in.
He immediately stops in his tracks upon seeing you in front of the mirror, his eyes traveling down the lengths of your body, a stunned expression adorning his handsome features.
“Sorry, I didn’t know you were… in here,” he mumbles and you can see the blush forming on his cheeks. “You look… You look beautiful.”
“Thank you,” you chuckle softly. He takes a few steps closer to you and reaching up he brushes a loose strand of hair behind your ear, his fingers leaving a trail of delicate touch on the side of your face.
Leaning down his lips hover over yours for a moment, as if he was giving you the chance to pull back, but who are you to deny anything from Harry Styles? So when you stay in place, he finally presses his lips to yours in a slow and tender kiss filled with passion. His hands cup your face in his and you bring yours up to wrap around his wrists as you kiss him back, already craving more than just a kiss.
But it feels like you are not the only one growing hungrier with the seconds, one of Harry’s hands wander down to your butt and you feel his palm’s warmth through the thin layer of your dress, though you wish there was nothing between his skin and yours. When he starts kissing down your jawline and neck, pushing you backwards you hate to break the moment, but there’s no time for any funny business. So painfully, but you pull back, already missing his lips on yours.
“I would really love to continue this, but I need to be with Sarah in about three minutes,” you chuckle softly.
“Yeah, I need to get back to Mitch too,” he sighs, pecking the corner of your mouth before his arms fall from around you.
“I’ll see you later, yeah?” you smile up at him, fixing the collar of his shirt.
“Yeah,” he smiles with a boyish smile before you part ways again.
All through the ceremony you are kind of all over the place, trying to get the best shots, you don’t have much time to spare. Sarah’s entrance with her dad and James walking down the aisle is so beautiful and you get some amazing shots of Mitch’s emotions upon seeing his future wife. They tell their vows, touching every guest with their sweet words to each other and then they finally say ‘I do’ and become husband and wife.
You snap a series of photos of that moment as well, but then you allow yourself to peek over at Harry who is already watching you with a soft smile. You can feel yourself blushing, his gaze is warm but also quite intimidating in this sentimental moment.
And then the party finally starts. You try to follow the newly weds around as much as possible, but you also get around the tent, shooting pictures of the guests as well. You only get to have a few moments with Harry, because either you need to rush off or sometimes someone finds him and wants to have a few words. He is quite popular among the guests, but it’s no surprise. You’d want to have the chance to talk to him too if you saw him.
“Have you even had a bite yet?” A male voice calls out for you when you’re trying to sneak from one point to the other. Glancing over your shoulder you see Landon with a drink in his hand.
“I’ll eat later. The dance is about to happen so I need to be ready for that,” you smile at him.
“Mitch told me they found a really good photographer, but he surely forgot to mention how devoted you are. I’m excited to see the photos.”
“Thanks, I’m trying my best,” you chuckle.
“Save me a dance later?”
“Oh, um, sure,” you nod with a nervous chuckle. “But I really gotta go now,” you excuse yourself before he could even get another word out.
As you slalom between the tables you spot Harry sitting at one of them and he is staring at Landon from across the room, a not too friendly look plastered across his face. You wonder if he has seen you talking to him and now he is feeling jealous or if you’re just seeing things. But you don’t have much time to ponder on it, work is calling you.
As the happy couple share their first dance, soon enough more and more guests join them and you’re standing at the side, snapping the cute dance partners slow dancing to the music with Sarah and Mitch in the middle. You’re adjusting the settings on your camera, when a tall figure appears in front of you.
“May I have a dance?” Harry asks, holding out a hand for you like a true gentleman.
“Oh, I should—“
“If you are about to say you should be taking pictures, the bride told me to ask you,” he tells you with a soft chuckle and as your eyes fall on Sarah, she is smiling in your way happily, nodding her approval to get off duty for just a little.
“Then, I would love to,” you smile shyly, taking Harry’s hand as he takes you to the dance floor. Placing his hands to your waist he pulls you close to him while you rest your arms around his neck, swaying to the rhythm very gently.
“I always get a little emotional at weddings,” he confesses with a small smile.
“Yeah? Why?”
“I don’t know,” he shrugs. “I just… love seeing people in love. Especially when they are my friends,” he adds chuckling.
“It really is a nice thing.”
Harry pulls you tighter against him, his cheek pressing against the side of your head and you let your eyes fall closed for a few seconds, enjoying this moment with him. He starts to softly him the song and his voice flows through your ears smoothly, you’re in awe how good his voice is. He never told you he is a good singer too above being an amazing producer.
When the song ends some couples stay, but some make their way off the dance floor and you have to get back to your job as well. Leaning back you squeeze Harry’s arm as his hands fall from your frame too.
“Save a slice from the cake for me,” you smile at him and he nods with a smirk.
“I will. I’ll have it ready for you at the table.”
You place a short kiss to his cheek before you disappear from his sight, leaving him alone again.
The night carries on as usual, sometime after dinner your phone dies so you leave it on the charger up in your room before running back down. The party starts to unfold as the time passes, more drinks are being consumed and this is kind of your secret favorite part, because the more people drink, the more they are willing to pose for funny pictures. This is the time that births the best group photos, in your opinion.
Though you are having an amazing time, you can feel yourself growing tired. When it’s finally cake time you take some time off to sit with Harry who saved you a slice, just as you asked him. It’s nice to have a breather, just enjoy the evening with him by your side again.
“Mm, didn’t know you could eat icing without getting it all over my face,” you tease him, referring back to the time you made such a mess out of the kitchen when you tried to make cupcakes for him.
“Very funny,” he narrows his eyes at you, before dipping his finger into the icing and wiping it onto your nose.
“Hey!” you pout at him, cleaning it up, but he just smirks at you playfully before pecking your lips shortly. It’s the first time he is kissing you in with so many people around and it surely makes you giddy, knowing that he is not trying to hide you in any way.
Weddings are a lot of fun, but they always stretch so long. The party can last till the morning sometimes and you can’t just decide to call it a night and stop doing your job, you need to be there until the DJ shuts the music off and all guests disappear. And it seems like this wedding won’t be any shorter either.
It’s already past midnight when you decide to sneak out for a short break. You’ve been on your feet for way too long and you stole some food too. You hesitated if you should sit back to your table, but you felt like you could use some quiet so you left the tent and found a bench nearby.
As you sit and eat the food you snatched from the buffet table, you hope the party won’t last until the Sun comes up. You get so into your own little world that you almost don’t even notice the approaching tall figure.
“Having a break, huh?” Landon calls out as the gravel crunches under his fancy dress shoes.
“Ah, yeah. I needed a few minutes away from the music,” you chuckle softly. Landon stops in front of you and hides his hands in his pockets as he blinks down at you with tired looking eyes. It might be from the long night, but you are guessing the drinks he’s been consuming don’t help his energy either.
“May I say that you look really pretty? I haven’t been to many weddings yet, but the photographers went for the more comfortable look since they are not on the photos, but you chose to glam yourself.”
“Thanks,” you chuckle softly. “I like to blend into the guests.”
“Well, you don’t blend in this way either, because you look prettier than most women in that tent,” he compliments you and you’re starting to feel awkward. It’s not that you don’t like it when someone is talking highly of you, but it’s obvious what Landon wants and you are definitely not on the same page.
“Um, thank you.”
“I’m sorry if I come off too brash or pushy, but I promised myself I would never miss a chance to compliment a pretty woman when I see one.”
“That’s nice, but I’m afraid I’m not the right person to spend your energy on,” you answer with a tight-lipped smile. Landon narrows his eyes at you, but keeps his playful manner.
“So you don’t find me good-looking, is that it?” he teases and you shake your head with a soft chuckle.
“That’s not what I was talking about.”
“Then you like to break hearts, right? You must enjoy making men fall for you,” he carries on with his little joke and just as you’re about to speak up to tell him you are seeing someone, Harry’s familiar deep voice interrupts the conversation.
“There you are, I’ve been calling you.” He is talking to you, but his eyes are clearly glued to the man standing in front of you.
“Oh, my phone is in the room, I had to charge it,” you tell him.
“What are you guys doing out here?” he asks, clearly not liking the situation, you and Landon alone outside with no one else around. Jealousy is dripping from his eyes that appear so much darker now in the dim lighting.
“I’ve been dumped by this amazing woman right here,” Landon sighs dramatically and Harry cocks an eyebrow at him before glancing over at you.
“Oh, is that so?”
“Yeah, she is clearly not interested in me, my charm didn’t work on her,” he laughs lightheartedly.
“I hope it didn’t because she is my girlfriend,” Harry answers simply and your lips part at what he just called you.
Landon stumbles back, his smile quickly vanishes from his face as he stares back at Harry. You feel like you’re watching some kind of documentary movie where male animals are trying to win over the female, only that Landon stands no chance in this situation, but you find it quite funny.
“Man, I-I’m sorry, I didn’t—I didn’t know!” he apologizes right away as he realizes why Harry has been kind of spicy around him. Landon then faces you. “Y/N, I didn’t mean to make it awkward and all that, I’m really sorry.”
“It’s fine,” you smile at him nicely. He mumbles something about checking up on Mitch before walking away, leaving you and Harry alone. He joins you on the bench, staring after Landon for a few moments before turning to face you. A much softer expression is showing on his face this time.
“So, you just called me your girlfriend,” you point out, trying your best to hold your growing smirk back.
“I, uhh—I did, didn’t I?” he chuckles nervously. “I’m sorry, it just slipped out, because I didn’t like how Landon was trying to chat you up all night…”
“So you didn’t…. You didn’t mean it?” you ask, furrowing your eyebrows, feeling yourself growing disappointed.
“Well, I… I mean, I didn’t mean to say it like that, without discussing it with you, but… I would love to call you my girlfriend,” he admits shyly and you can’t believe that this nervous man next to you is the same man who owns a record label and manages his million dollars business every day without a problem.
“I like the sound of that,” you smirk, leaning closer to him so your noses are almost touching.
“Yeah?” he smiles, a lot more relieved and playfully than he was a moment ago.
“Mhm,” you nod, biting your lip. You blindly put your plate to the side before cupping his face in both of your hands and pulling him in for a kiss, your first one as boyfriend and girlfriend. Part of you feels silly that it makes you so ecstatic, like you’re a high school girl, but in this moment you couldn’t care less.
What starts as a sweet and innocent kiss quickly turns into something more, something heated. When Harry’s hands find your bare thighs and they slightly slide under your dress you can’t help but yearn for more, pulling him closer as your tongues meet. Your fingers lace through his curls, tugging on them gently and you’re fighting the urge to throw a leg over him and just sit on his lap straddling him. When he starts kissing down your jawline and neck, you have to stop him for the second time today, not that you wanted to do it anytime, but the time and place hasn’t been right.
“We can’t…” you sigh, pulling back even though every fiber in your body is telling you otherwise. Harry lets out a long sigh, nodding his head.
“Yeah, I know.”
“But hopefully, the party will end soon and then we will be all alone in our room,” you smirk at him slyly and it brings back the shine into his eyes.
“I can’t wait,” he mumbles before kissing you one last time.
From that moment, Harry lingers around you at all times for the rest of the night. He is always either right by your side, or within a few feet away from you, keeping an eye on you, but not in an obsessive and intrusive kind of way. His eyes are filled with lust every time you share a look at each other and you can tell he can’t wait for the party to finally be over. Whenever he is next to you, he makes sure to touch you in any kind of way. Placing his palm to the small of your back, your arm or your hips, or when you sit next to each other he rests his hand on your thigh or knee without hesitation. And you are loving all the affection you are being showered with.
By the time the wedding officially ends and you can finally call it a night, you are both touch starved and hungry for each other. Harry pulls you against him on the stairs up to your room, not even giving a damn that you are still out in the public. His mouth attacks you hungrily, kissing you anywhere he can reach as the two of you stumble up your way to the room.
Pushing the door open you basically fall inside, giggling against Harry’s lips as he shuts the door closed and presses you up against it, making you gasp at the action. He is so much more demanding and confident than the last time you shared an intimate moment and though you’re not sure how far he is planning to go, you know you are ready to give him anything he desires.
“As much as I love this dress on you, it needs to go,” he playfully smirks as his hands bunch your dress up on your thigh before grabbing it and pulling it off your body, leaving you only in your underwear so fast.
Your lips find his as your fingers work fast on the buttons of his shirt while you inch further into the room towards the bed. You both kick your shoes off on the way and when you fall to the mattress Harry’s shirt is already gone. He climbs above you as you sink into the way too many pillows and you blindly throw a few off the bed to give you more space. Harry licks into your mouth one last time before he moves down your neck and collarbones, peppering your heated skin with his kisses, his hands already sliding under your back to unclasp your bra. Arching your back you give him space to do the task on hand and a few moments later you are lying under him with your chest completely bare. His name falls from your lips as a whimper when his mouth comes in contact with your left nipple, kissing, licking and sucking on it while his hand kneads your other breast before he switches, giving both sides the same amount of attention. Your fingers lace through his unruly curls as you enjoy his touch that’s burning and soothing at the same time.
When he kisses down your stomach and hips, he hooks his fingers into your lacy underwear, but stop before doing anything, looking up at you for reassurance. You give him the green light by nodding and he carefully pulls the fabric off your body, baring you in front of his eyes completely. His kisses pepper his way up your inner thighs until he finally reaches your dripping wet core.
“Harry!” you moan when his tongue and lips press against your clit, swirling and sucking on it just right, making you shiver under his touch. He curls his arms around your legs, keeping them in place as he keeps working his magic, making you a whimpering mess with each lick.
He does the same thing as last time, teases you with his finger dancing around your entrance until you are basically ready to beg him for more. Then he finally pushes two fingers inside you and starts pumping in a slow pace that drives you nuts, leaving you ache for more of him.
You pull him up before he could get you to the top, because that’s not how you want it now and you need to know if he is ready to take this step with you. He understands what you want from just a look as he hovers above you and you cup his face in your hands tenderly.
“I want it,” he breathes out and you could come just from those three words.
“Are you sure?” you ask, though you just want to jump right at it already. Still, you want to make sure he is completely fine with everything that’s about to happen.
“Yeah. I am,” he nods before leaning down he presses his lips against yours.
Your hands reach down and undo his pants, pushing them down along with his boxers before he does the rest of the job kicking them off. His erection presses up against your thigh as his hips fall down a bit and you moan with just the feeling of him on your skin. Wrapping your hands around his shaft you start pumping him while your kiss never breaks.
“Oh fuck,” he moans in sensation and you grin against his lips, enjoying the thought that you are the one making him feel this good.
“Do you have a condom?” you breathe out.”
“Shit, I don’t…”
“It’s alright, I have one.”
You sneak out from under him and rush over to your bag to look for your toiletries, you know you have one somewhere in there. When you finally find the little package you quickly get back to the bed where Harry is now lying on his back. Kneeling next to him you give him a soft, reassuring look.
“Do you want me to…?” you imply, holding up the foil.
“Oh, um, yeah, sure,” he nods and you swear you see him blushing. Ripping the package open you lean closer and roll the condom down his hard length before throwing a leg over his lap and get back to kissing him. You take your time with him, running your hands up and down his toned, inked chest as his palms warm the skin on your waist while your lips move together in sync perfectly. You could tell he needed a moment to get settled and wrap his mind around what’s really about to happen.
“Everything alright?” you ask, a little out of breath as you hold yourself up above him. He nods shortly. “Do you want me on top or you want to switch?”
“C-can you stay on top for now?”
“Yeah,” you smile at him warmly, before capturing his lips in a sweet kiss while your right hand wanders down his body until you reach his hard cock. Harry whimpers against your lips when you wrap your hand around the base, lining him up with yourself.
“Tell me if you want to stop, alright?” you ask him and in any other situation you’d find it a little funny that it’s you asking him that, usually this request comes from the guy, but you just want to make sure he is comfortable with everything that’s happening. Harry nods again and as he gulps hard his Adam’s apple bops up and down. Leaning down you kiss him again as you slowly ease down yourself just enough so that the head of his cock slides inside you. You stop, giving both him and you the chance to get accustomed to the feeling. It’s been quite some time for you as well, and your fingers do not compare to Harry’s size, that’s for sure.
He keeps one hand on your hip while the other reaches up and cups the side of your head, panting against your lips from the feeling of finally being inside you. Once you’ve made sure you both adjusted to the feeling, you allow yourself to sink further down until his whole length disappears inside you. You stay still, shutting your eyes closed as you let your walls stretch around his erection, making that slight pain you feel go away. Adding the length and thickness of his cock to the long drought you’ve had in the field of sex is making it feel like you are having your first time again in a way. It’s not that awkward and definitely not that painful, but still, that’s what it reminds you of.
“Are you good?” he asks, squeezing your hip gently. Your eyes snap open and meet his green ones that are now clouded with a little bit of worry.
“Yeah, it’s just… You’re big, Harry,” you admit with a soft chuckle that brings a cocky grin to his lips as well. “Just give me a moment.”
He just nods again and both his hands start running up and down your sides reassuringly as you take a few seconds to yourself before you start moving your hips. You start off slowly, dragging your movements out, trying to see what feels the best and judging from Harry’s moans and grunts he is enjoying himself no matter what you do. Your hands sprawl out on his chest, fingers digging into his skin as you lean onto him while starting to move up and down his throbbing cock.
“Fuck, you feel so good!” he whimpers, almost as if he was in pain, but you can see the pleasure in his eyes.
Your thighs start to burn, but you keep moving yourself, not wanting to stop, because you’re feeling your orgasm building up inside you. When he starts thrusting up to meet your movements, you moan his name so loudly there’s a chance the people next door heard you, but you couldn’t care about that now.
Harry might have noticed that you’re starting to get tired, so pushing himself up he wraps his arms around you and turns you over until you’re the one lying on the bed and he holds himself up above you on his arms. Your legs circle around his waist as he starts moving in and out of you, the new position making you both moan and gasp at the sensation.
“Harry!” you whine as he keeps hitting that one spot inside you, pushing you closer to the edge dangerously fast.
“Am I making you feel good, baby? You like it?”
“You’re making me feel so good, please don’t stop!” you beg him as he buries his face in your neck, sucking on the soft skin, most definitely leaving a mark on you that you’ll wear proudly tomorrow. You would never want to hide the fact how good Harry fucked you, let the world know that your boyfriend made you feel so amazing!
“Oh my God, I’m getting close. Are you feeling it too? Are you gonna cum for me, baby?” he asks, his lips brushing against your earlobe. Grabbing his face you pull him into a kiss, pushing your tongue into his mouth mercilessly and the grunt he lets out is making your insides tremble. It’s animalistic, so passionate and sexual, you want to hear this every day for the rest of your life.
“I’m close, go a little harder, Harry!” you plead and he does as you asked without hesitation, his hips slamming harder against you, making you gasp for air as your head sinks into the pillow, your back arching in pleasure.
“Cum for me, Y/N. Let it go!”
“Harry!” you whine, as you can feel your orgasm threatening to burst inside you any moment.
“Say my name when you cum, I want to hear who’s making you feel so good, baby!”
Your fingers dig into his hair as you chant his name over and over again with each thrust he makes and then your release finally arrives. You moan and whimper, shaking under his naked, sweaty body, his name falling from your lips as an endless glorification. Your walls clench around his cock and it’s the last straw for him as well, his thrusts become sloppy and uncoordinated as he cries out your name, his hips slamming hard against you while he rides his orgasm out. Reaching down you drag your nails down his back until you reach his perfectly round ass, giving it a cheeky squeeze while he buries his head into the crook of your neck, thrusting into you a few more times before coming to a stop.
Turning your head you kiss his temple, running your hands up and down his back while you both try to catch your breath, coming off your high. Soon Harry pulls out and rolls off of you, his body smashing into the mattress beside you, his face glowing from that post sex euphoria. After a few moments of just panting and blinking into the void you finally feel yourself returning to reality and rolling to your side you cuddle to Harry’s body, his arm instantly coming to circle around you.
“Everything alright?” you softly ask, placing a tender kiss to his chest under one of his swallow tattoos. The last thing you want is to have him freak out now that the deed has been done, but when he gifts you with a tired but genuine smile, your worries vanish into thin air.
“Yeah. I’m all good. More than good,” he chuckles before lifting his head and placing a soft kiss to your forehead. His fingers are dancing up and down your naked back, following the line of your spine and your ribs, his smoothing touch already working as a lullaby on you, but you’re determined to stay awake just a little longer.
“Are you turned on by hearing your own name during sex?” you tease him with a sly smile as you think back to how much he enjoyed you scream his name over and over again.
“I might have a bit of a praise kink,” he admits truthfully with a smirk.
“Mm, interesting.”
“What’s yours?”
“What do you like during sex?”
“You, balls deep inside me,” you bluntly answer, making him laugh at your words. “And I like doggy,” you then add to actually answer his question.
“Yeah?”
“Mhm, and maybe some hair pulling. Not in an extreme way, but I like a little.”
“Alright, noted,” he hums nodding.
You both clean yourselves up in the bathroom, moving around each other naked without any shame. Harry then puts on a pair of clean boxers and you change into your night clothes, though the moment you make yourself comfortable in Harry’s arms in bed his hand sneaks up your back under the shirt, tugging the material up. You could have just stayed shirtless, but now you’re too tired to even move. His fingers are drawing little patterns over your skin as you listen to his steady breathing before drifting off to sleep.
Sunday feels like a day after a sleepover in high school, when you’re thinking about everything that has happened the day before, and you’re so happy it happened but you’re kind of tired and just want the comfort of your home already.
Sarah and Mitch leave for their honeymoon early in the morning. You say goodbye and Sarah just keeps thanking you for your work even though she hasn’t even seen the picture yet.
“But I’m sure they are amazing! Can’t wait to see them!” she beams at you when you try to tell her to just wait for the actual outcome.
You leave the inn a little before noon heading to Anne’s to pick Izzy up. You have lunch somewhere on the road and then you sing along to the music in the car, enjoying yet another roadtrip together, making the best out of your last minutes alone. You’re happy to see that Harry hasn’t seemed to spiral after what happened last night, he seems delighted and pleased, maybe even excited. Driving down the highway he keeps a hand on your thigh whenever he doesn’t need to use it on the shifting gear and every time he reaches for you, it turns you into a giddy little girl.
“Daddy! Daddy!” Izzy chants upon running into Harry’s arms the moment you park down on Anne’s driveway. Apparently, she’s been sitting by the window for an hour, waiting for her dad to finally arrive.
“Oh, I missed you so much, baby!” Harry cheers, catching the running girl and lifting her up into his arms, hugging her close. It’s such a sweet sight, seeing the two purest people you know be so happy to see each other after a week spent apart.
“I missed you too!” Izzy sighs, wrapping her short arms around Harry’s neck, nuzzling into her daddy’s embrace and your heart is fluttering in your chest for sure.
Anne invites the two of you inside for a tea, Harry helps Izzy pack all her stuff while she is nonstop blabbering about everything she did with her grandma during the week, and Harry listens to her intently, even though she already shared everything with him on the phone when he called every night.
“How did the wedding go?” Anne asks you cheerfully as you help her in the kitchen.
“Oh, it was amazing! Sarah looked so beautiful and everything went smoothly.”
“That’s great, they are such a cute couple!”
Anne is quick to ask you about photography, how long you’ve been doing it and you even show her a few of your works seeing how enthusiastic she is about the whole thing. You were a little nervous about meeting her, but she is just as sweet and kind as her son, making it so easy to treat her just as a friend, not as the mother of your boyfriend.
Before leaving Izzy insists on showing you all the paintings she made for Anne this week, she has them on the wall in her little home office. While you’re shown around in Izzy’s personal gallery, Harry joins his mother downstairs, finishing up his tea.
“I assume the weekend went well, you two are glowing,” she smiles slyly at him and Harry can’t hide his boyish smile.
“I uhh… I asked her to be my girlfriend,” he admits and Anne gasps happily, thrilled about the news.
“I’m so happy for you, Har. I think she is a really good match for you!” she beams, pulling him into a motherly hug, kissing his cheek as if he was just a little boy, not a grown man.
“Thanks, mum. I’m happy too.”
“You deserve it. It’s so good to see you living your life again.”
Soon enough, Harry loads the car with Izzy’s stuff and it’s time to say goodbye.
“Bye Anne, it was so nice to see you!” you smile hugging her.
“Come back soon, Darling! Nag this old man to visit me more often!” Anne jokes giving Harry a playful look who leaves her comment unnoticed, giving his mother a tight hug.
“Thank you for everything mum, love you, I’ll call you alright?”
“Drive safe!” she calls after you all as you get into the car and wave her goodbye leaving.
The drive home tired Izzy out, or maybe it’s just the change of settings again. Whatever it is, she can barely stay awake until dinner, so once her tummy is filled Harry decides to put her to sleep early.
Izzy asks Harry to lie in bed with her as he reads her a bedtime story, she is extra clingy now that she is back with her daddy, but Harry is enjoying having his little one back so he doesn’t mind it. Izzy snuggles to his side, playing with the ears of the bunny she chose to sleep with tonight as she listens to his steady, smooth voice talk her to sleep.
“Daddy?” she asks quietly, already half asleep.
“Yes, baby?”
“Are you going to marry Y/N?”
The question catches him off-guard, he was definitely not expecting it especially since Izzy hasn’t even seen the two of you kiss yet.
“Why are you asking?”
“My new friend, Loretta from the park told me that if a boy and a girl live together they are probably in love and want to get married.”
“Loretta seems to know a lot about adult stuff,” Harry chuckles softly. “Well, it doesn’t exactly work like that, Iz. But… would you be happy if I told you Y/N is now my girlfriend?” he asks, feeling a little nervous, as if Izzy’s word on the question could destroy any possible future between the two of you. She stays silent for a few seconds and Harry starts to think she has fallen asleep, but then she finally speaks up again.
“Did you kiss her?” she asks and Harry can’t push down a soft chuckle. Izzy’s idea of relationships probably doesn’t go further than kissing and holding hands so this is how she is trying to put the picture together in her head.
“I did, yes.”
“Oh!” she exclaims. “I like Y/N.”
“Well, I like her too.”
“She can be your girlfriend,” she then replies, giving her blessing. “Are you going to get married?”
“Um, not for a while, no. But… it could happen if things go right,” he chews on his bottom lip, he is definitely not in the phase of thinking about marriage yet, not just because you barely just became an official couple, but that would be a huge step in his way of processing the end of his last one.
“Okay,” Izzy simply nods and that brings the end of the discussion. Harry has been a little nervous to have this talk with Izzy, he was afraid she might get a little confused about the idea of him having a girlfriend and the thought of her mother, but she seemingly didn’t even bring Maggie into her train of thoughts. Luckily.
When Izzy is finally asleep he closes the door and makes his way downstairs where you’re lying on the couch, watching the rerun of the news. You smile up at him upon his arrival and as he joins you on the couch, he is quick to pull you into his arms, making you snuggle into his embrace.
“I just told Izzy that you are my girlfriend,” he confesses and you lift your head up, not even trying to hide your surprised expression.
“Really? And what did she say?”
“Well, she asked if we are getting married,” he tells you chuckling shortly. “I told her that we shouldn’t get that far ahead. But she basically gave her blessing. She said she likes you.”
“Well I was hoping she doesn’t hate my guts after spending almost every day with me,” you chuckle, making him smile too. “But I’m happy she likes the idea of us.”
“Yeah, me too,” Harry nods before pulling you closer for a sweet, innocent kiss.
You finally get around to have that double date with Heather and Niall one month into your relationship. Harry’s weekends have been a little busy these past weeks, he had to go into the office on a few Saturdays, but now he has finally finished a huge project he has been working on so he can actually take some time off.
Ruth comes over to look after Izzy that evening and she keeps looking at you and Harry like a proud grandparent whenever she sees the two of you interact as a couple. Little touches and kisses have been more regular around home ever since Harry told Izzy that you are together. So far, she’s been handling it really well, she doesn’t seem to be confused about you and her mother and it might be because Harry has had a talk with her recently about her mother and where she really is now. His therapist suggested to be open about it with her as early as possible, and though she doesn’t seem to completely understand the idea of life and death just yet, she has definitely started to put the picture together in her head.
You’ve been spending all your nights at Harry’s room, so by now your bedroom is more like an office space for you and a storage for all your stuff, a place where you can be alone whenever you have some editing to do or just simply need some time on your own. Luckily, Harry totally understands the feeling of needing some space, he has his own limits as well and the two of you have been trying your best to coordinate around these lines when it comes to your relationship. After all, it’s been a pretty unusual situation, you were already living together when you became a couple, jumping a few steps in the timeline of a regular relationship.
Just as you were expecting it, Niall and Heather hit it off quite fast upon meeting at the dinner. Niall is in awe of Heather’s confidence and raw sense of humor that matches perfectly with his, while Heather finds him entertaining and somewhat like a challenge, since you honestly told her about Niall’s reputation as a womanizer, but it’s not something that could scare her away.
“He is cute, desperately wants to prove how good he is doing on his own, but I think that’s just a façade,” Heather tells you when you ask her about her date in the restroom. She fixes up her lipstick, staring at herself in the floor to ceiling mirror.
“So you think you want to see him again?”
“I’m not gonna run after him, if he asks for my number I’ll give it to him. But if he doesn’t, I won’t let him see my disappointment.”
“And what if he asks you to go home with him tonight?” you ask, feeling like teenagers gossiping in the girls restroom between classes. Heather smirks at you through the mirror before turning to face you.
“Oh, I’m not going home with him. That would bruise his ego so badly he won’t be able to think about anything else.”
You stare back at her stunned from how big of a genius she is. You would have never schemed like this when it came to men, but yet again, you never really needed to. Before Harry you were busy with Keith and that relationship came so easily to you. There were never really games, it took you about three weeks to get together. But Heather is a player and a very good one, apparently.
“You two look cute, by the way,” she smiles at you quickly washing her hands before the two of you head out, back to the table.
“Thanks,” you blush, eyes finding the guys sitting right where you left them.
After dinner you decide to stay for a few drinks at the bar a corner away and it’s been so long since the last time you were out just having fun, enjoying some time with good friends. If someone told you a few months ago that you’d be sitting here, sipping on a cocktail with Harry who is now your boyfriend, you would have laughed hysterically.
When Harry reaches for you thigh under the table, resting his palm on it, giving it a gentle squeeze just as a sweet gesture, you glance at him and he smiles at you as his eyes meet your gaze. It’s the first time you actually feel like any other couples. Having a nice evening with your friends, touching each other, holding hands, simply living in the moment knowing well that going home he will probably sneak into Izzy’s room, pressing a kiss to her forehead before joining you in bed, falling asleep with his arms curled around your figure.
It’s no surprise when Niall invited Heather over his place for another drink at the end of the night and you can barely hold your smirk back when she refuses and his face completely falls, especially because he was so confident in himself, the evening went well and he was probably sure she would say yes. Instead, she grabs herself a taxi and heads home upon parting ways. Niall is shocked, but he is quick to ask for Heather’s number from you before you say goodbye and you happily give it to him.
On the way home you think about how weird it is that you are still basically working for him. It’s not that you mind being the one who is looking after Izzy, it doesn’t even feel like a job, she has grown so close to you. It’s about getting paid for it when you’re Harry’s girlfriend and even though you know how untraditional everything has been with the two of you, now might be the time to make a change.
Harry checks up on Izzy while you get ready to bed and he joins you under the covers soon. Your thoughts about your possible quitting keep racing in your head and you decide to bring it up, just to see how he sees the situation.
“H?” you softly ask while he is checking a few things on his phone, propped up against the headboard.
“Yeah?” he glances at you, letting you know he is listening.
“Don’t you think it’s weird I’m still working for you?”
He stops and locking his phone he puts it to the nightstand to fully focus on the conversation. He just stares at you for a few seconds before knitting his eyebrows together, that crease between them making an appearance and you fight the urge to smooth it out with your finger.
“You don’t like taking care of her anymore?” Your stomach drops at the way he interpreted your question, because it’s not at all the situation.
“Harry, I love taking care of her!” you smile at him softly and can see the relief in his eyes. “It’s just a little weird that you’re paying me to be with her. I would do it for free,” you explain, hoping he now gets the whole picture.
“Oh!”
“Are you… Are you planning for the long run? With us?”
“Of course,” he nods and now you’re the one relieved at how naturally the answer came to him.
“Then maybe we should look for a solution that doesn’t make me feel like I’m a kept house woman,” you chuckle softly and a small smile tugs on his lips as well.
“What were you thinking about?” Sighing you bite into your bottom lip, not sure what he’ll think about the idea that came to you.
“I’ve been getting a lot of requests for photoshoots. I thought that maybe I could take two more days out of the week to work on them and stay home with Izzy for the rest of them. We could look for a nanny for those days. They wouldn’t have to move in, because I would be home by three probably. I think… I think it could work pretty well.”
Harry takes a few moments to think it through and you know he has to be considerate, the only reason he was so quick to hire you was because Izzy already knew and loved you. Bringing a stranger into the picture is a big change and everyone has to be fine with it to make it work.
“Would that make you happy? Staying home for half of the week with Izzy? I wouldn’t want to ask you to sacrifice your time for her… for us, if it doesn’t benefit you.”
For a few moments you’re just processing his words, but then you finally understand what he meant by that. He is thinking you might take it as if he is using you to take care of his daughter and he doesn’t want you to take responsibility for her if it’s not what you really want. But you see being in Izzy’s life as a privilege, you haven’t truly processed it yourself, but you start to look at her as your own daughter. Having spent the majority of your days with her these past months, it was inevitable to grow so fond of her.
Scooting closer to him you cup his face in your hands as you smile down at him softly, his green irises filled with worry and doubts, probably thinking that he is doing something wrong again, but he is not. He needs to have more trust in himself.
“I would love it, Harry. I love spending time with her and… with you,” you admit and there’s one thing that you’re aching to add.
And I love you.
But you keep that one back, not sure if he is ready to hear it just yet. It’s still so early in your relationship, and it might feel like a bomb if you just dropped it on him. You need to be a little more patient before taking this next step.
Bringing his arms around you he pulls you to his chest, a deep but happy sigh leaving through his nose as he kisses into your hair. Nothing else is said, but no words are needed. It’s been settled that you both are planning for the long run together and you’ll start to alter your life to make it fit into the picture.
You don’t jump into it right away, but a few weeks after the discussion you had about hiring a new nanny, you take the first step. Ruth agrees to cover one day every week, Fridays, so you can have it off for your sessions. Summer brings a lot of events and occasions and your calendar has been getting busier as your circle of customers has been growing lately. Though Ruth is more than happy to spend some more time with Izzy, you all know she won’t be able to do it too long, you need to find someone at last by the end of the summer.
Harry would never admit, but he is very anxious about bringing a new person into Izzy’s life. He is not the toxic kind of parent who wouldn’t let anyone get near his daughter, but he surely is considerate about who he lets to take care of her and it’s understandable.
On an afternoon spent at the park you are chatting with Ava, Yara’s mom when she mentions a nanny agency they’ve tried out before and had a really good experience.
“They hire people with at least three years of experience and many of their nannies have a degree in some kind of field in connection with child care. We had a nice girl from Russia watch after Yara, she is a primary school teacher but she moved here with her boyfriend for a year. She was amazing, really. Yara loved her, Saige and I loved her, it was a good match.”
She gives you a phone number and later that day you look up the agency, presenting the idea to Harry, who seems interested, but a little hesitant.
“We could still have an interview with them, right? Or I would have to just choose someone from the website like from a catalogue?” he voices his concern as the two of you lie in bed with your laptop propped against your thighs.
“I’m sure we can have an interview,” you smile at him.
Harry just nods, ergo he doesn’t reject the idea, but you can tell he has quite a few doubts about it, but there’s not much you can do.
In the course of three weeks you and Harry have five interviews with nannies that the agency sent and at the end of the day, Harry finds something wrong with all of them, even though they are only minor things.
“You rule out people for the tiniest things, Harry,” you sigh after the fifth interview with a kind middle-aged woman, Kaitlyn. “Based on these interviews you wouldn’t have hired me back in the days,” you joke.
“You know it was different with you,” he points it out and you just nod. He has told you so many times how you were just the perfect fit which is very charming, but it doesn’t help the situation on hand right now.
That evening, when you’re lying in bed, reading, while Harry checks up on Izzy one last time, you see that something is on his chest when he walks in and as soon as he is under the covers next to you, but you don’t ask him, instead just wait for him to bring it up himself.
“Y/N, I’m sorry for being such a pain in the ass about the whole nanny thing,” he sighs tiredly. Closing your book you place it on the nightstand before turning to face him fully.
“You’re not a pain in the ass, just very careful and maybe a little picky,” you add with a soft chuckle.
“Do you think I should be the one staying home with her?”
“Most kids spend the majority of their days separated from their parents in daycare, kindergarten or preschool. It’s not a crime that you are not a stay at home dad, not many like to do that or even fit for that role,” you shrug and it’s your genuine opinion. Just because parents don’t devote one hundred percent of their life to their children, it doesn’t make them bad. Parents deserve to be selfish sometimes.
“I just… I can get so into my head about everything I do wrong,” he sighs, closing his eyes and he seem so tired all of a sudden, like he has been carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. Brushing his hair out of his forehead you kiss him gently before his eyes open again.
“You’re not doing anything wrong, Harry. Believe me, Izzy is having the best childhood she could ever wish for. She is secure, loved and taken care of. Everything is going well.”
He doesn’t answer, just nods as his arms wrap around you, pulling you to his chest and you gladly snuggle into his embrace.
That evening it felt like Harry was shifting in the right direction, but you can never know what really goes on in someone’s head and you couldn’t see what was coming.
A few days later another candidate comes for an interview, you, Harry and the young girl called Rachel sit outside at the terrace as Harry goes through the same questions he asked every other applicant while Izzy is playing around the swing set.
Rachel just finished her bachelor’s and is now taking a gap year before moving back to her hometown to work at her father’s law firm. She grew up with three younger sisters and took care of them most of the time to help her parents out who worked a lot. She is nice, very well educated and it’s clear she is great with children. Yet again, when you glance at Harry you don’t see him as satisfied as you are and you already know he is going to find something against her.
“Alright, so what is it this time?” you sigh once Rachel is gone and you can finally talk openly about her.
“She basically doesn’t have any official knowledge about kids, she just grew up with kids, that doesn’t qualify her as a professional.”
“Raising children is the best knowledge you can get, Harry,” you argue, feeling a little impatient this time. Rachel is perfect for the job, but any other applicants would have been fine too. You’re running out of time and Ruth won’t be able to help much longer.
“I would just be a lot more comfortable if it was a professional staying home with my daughter,” he answers, marching into the kitchen and you follow him.
“There were plenty of professionals between the previous ones as well. You are ruling everyone out!”
“I’m not ruling them out, I’m just trying to make the best decision for my child!”
“By being absolutely insatiable?!”
“Why is it so bad that I want the best choice?” he growls throwing his hands into the air.
“It’s not, but the best choice is not always one without any flaws, Harry,” you point it out, hoping he gets what you’re talking about.
“But I want this to be flawless!” he snaps and you can see that he has lost his patience at this point, but so did you. “I’m not settling for less than what I want, Y/N!”
“So then what? You lied when we talked about all of this? Because without a replacement, I can’t start working more!”
“I didn’t fucking lie, I’m just asking for more time!”
“Well it seems like you just want to push me into changing my mind about switching jobs and eventually say that I’m staying home, taking the blame off of you!”
“I’m not pushing you into anything, Y/N. We still have time until the end of summer, I just want to find the perfect person, give me some time!”
“Harry, there won’t be a perfect person!” you raise your voice, done with running the same circles at this point. “Any of the previous applicants would have taken good care of Izzy, why are you ignoring it?!”
“Stop telling me what to do when it comes to Izzy!” he then snaps, his voice beaming through the room, taking you by surprise. But what he says after this is what really hits you hard in the chest. “She is my daughter, not yours!”
Part of you knows he didn’t mean it the way it came out. Like you had absolutely no relations to Izzy, like you weren’t partially raising her way before you got together with Harry. You can see that it just slipped out in the heat of the moment, but your anger is making you selfish and not care about that anymore. His words hurt and you’ve stopped making excuses for him.
“Yeah, you’re right. Why am I still even here?” you calmly ask before simply turning around and heading out.
The calm but warning tone snaps him out and he is quick to realize he has crossed a line. He launches after you and almost catches you in the hallway when Izzy runs inside, calling out for him.
“Daddy! Daddy!”
Harry stops and turns around to see if she is alright and it gives you just enough time to escape. You rush out of the house and throw yourself into your car, igniting it and driving away as Harry shows up at the front door, calling after you, but you ignore it, making your way to your mom’s. You need a familiar place to calm yourself down at.
Harry tries to call you several times, and though the first few times it rings out, you send his calls to voicemail almost immediately after a while.
“Damn it,” he growls after another failed attempt to reach you. It’s been almost an hour since you stormed out and he is losing his mind, not knowing where you are, especially after what he said.
He regretted it the moment the words fell from his lips, but he knew it was too late. He let his anger bring the worst out of him and it all crashed down on you when you didn’t deserve any of it. Harry knows you’re right, he’s been trying to find something bad about every applicant because… part of him thinks that he is a bad father for not being the one taking care of Izzy all the time. If it wasn’t enough already, he’s been feeling like a failure for years… ever since he lost his wife because he wasn’t ready to commit more time for his family. He’s been dealing with the thought of being the worst father for so long, sometimes he convinces himself it’s the truth.
If I was ready for another baby, Maggie wouldn’t have had to die. If I put my family first, she would still be alive, he tells himself often when he is feeling the darkness clouding over his mind. Little does he know that it’s all just in his head. It doesn’t make him a bad father that he wanted to wait a little longer before having another baby. He never put his work above his family, he was always there when he was needed and made sure his loved ones are safe and taken care of. Never in his life did he ever put his work before Izzy or Maggie or anyone in his life he cared about.
But sometimes, your mind can play dirty tricks on you. And Harry fell for them.
As time is passing by he is growing more and more anxious when he doesn’t hear from you. No calls, no texts, he has no idea where you went or when you’re coming back. Sitting on the edge of the bed he stares out the window blankly before his eyes wander to the side where you usually sleep and it hits him hard when he realizes how eerily similar the situation is.
Following a fight his lover runs away, doesn’t answer his calls and he can’t get a hold of her. It’s like history is repeating itself all over again and as realization creeps up his spine, his throat tightens and he gasps, tears flooding into his eyes. With shaky hands he grabs his phone and dials Niall’s number, hoping he is not out somewhere at a bar, ignoring his phone.
“What’s up?” he answers the phone delightfully.
“Call Heather now and ask if she knows Y/N’s mom’s address,” he snaps immediately frantically.
“Woah, what happened?”
“Niall! Just do what I asked!” he barks and ends the call, giving his friend the chance to obey. Luckily, Niall feels the seriousness of the situation and does as Harry asked. A few minutes later a text arrives to Harry’s phone with the address.
Putting Izzy into the car he speeds down the streets to Gemma’s house who is shocked to see her brother in this state, but she doesn’t have the chance to ask anything as Harry drops Izzy off and asks her to watch her for the night.
“Okay, yeah, but—“
“Not now, Gemma!” he calls back, already running back to his car, heading to your mother’s house where you sought comfort following the fight.
“Not that I don’t like having you here, but you really should go home and talk it out.”
Trevor joins you outside where you’ve been sitting on the steps of the terrace, staring out into the darkening sky. It’s been a few hours since you basically ran away from home and Harry has been blowing your phone up so you put it into airplane mode, sending all his calls to voicemail until you feel like dealing with him.
Trevor sits beside you, his long legs coming up closer to his chest as he sits the same way as you, his arms hug his knees.
“I know, I just… I’m a little tired,” you mumble.
“You don’t have to discuss it, but Harry would want you home for the night, don’t you think?”
“Yeah,” you nod breathing out. “Do you think I overreacted?” you ask him, feeling unsure about the way you acted. Was it too much? Did you have the right to do it? You’re not so sure about it anymore.
“Well, he didn’t lie about Izzy not being your daughter,” Trevor huffs. “Though he could have handled the situation better. I get it that he just wants what’s best for her, but you were right too.”
Sitting in silence Trevor doesn’t try to convince you to apologize or keep holding a grudge. He just lets you figure it out all by yourself.
Not long later you go back inside and grabbing your phone from the dining table you decide to turn it back on, missed calls and texts flooding the device, but for your biggest surprise, not just from Harry.
Heather: Niall just called me to get your mom’s address urgently, everything alright?!
“Oh shit,” you gasp, typing a quick reply to assure her that you’re fine and then you open Harry’s text seeing how frantic he grew over time and you realize what it must feel like to him. The situation is way too similar to the way he lost Maggie and though you didn’t mean to hurt him by putting him through it again, it’s already too late.
Just as you are about to call him to let him know you’re fine a car pulls up on the drive way and you know it’s him. You rush out the front door the moment he jumps out of the car, eyes wide, chest heaving as he finally lays his eyes on you.
“Oh my God!” he breaks down in tears as you smash against him, wrapping him in your arms, he does the same, his strong arms circling around your waist tightly as he sobs into your chest painfully.
“I’m fine, everything is alright. I’m fine. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for running away like that,” you mumble, kissing the side of his head, holding him for dear life.
“I was so scared it happened again!” he whimpers, his whole body shaking. You slowly start pulling him until you reach the little front porch where there is a small bench kept next to the front door. You sit and pull him with yourself, he doesn’t even loosens his hold around you, as if you would turn to dust if he lets go of you.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t think it through,” you hum, fingers combing through his hair as you try to calm him down. He is still shaking, but his sobs are starting to die down finally, his hands still fisting your shirt at your waist.
“No, I’m sorry for being such a dick. I didn’t mean it. You are doing so much for Izzy and I, I don’t know what I would do without you!” he whimpers and when he finally lifts his head up, your heart breaks at the painful look in his eyes. “I’m so sorry, Y/N. You were right about everything! Please forgive me!”
“Oh Harry,” you breathe out, the tears already welling in your eyes as you brush his messy curls out of his forehead.
“I’m so sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to hurt you, what I said was bullshit! Please forgive me, I can’t… I don’t want to lose you, Y/N,” he stutters with one breath and then he adds: “I love you.”
Your lips part as you stare back at him in total awe at his sudden confession. Though it’s been an emotional ride, you weren’t expecting him to drop this bomb on you. A smile cracks on lips as you cup his face in your hands, feeling a hot tear rolling down your cheek.
“I love you too, Harry,” you answer, both of you letting out a relieved chuckle as he finally presses his lips to yours. His kiss tastes salty from both your tears, it’s needy and a little uncoordinated, but it means the world to you at this moment.
Sitting on the little bench you finally talk everything out once you both calm down enough to speak. Harry admits that he’s been so picky about the nannies because he is still struggling to be the best father he can and is reminded of being alone in this every time he faces a struggle. It constantly reminds him that he is supposed to have his partner with him, solving everything together, but now he is on his own and has to provide the best possible life for Izzy.
“Harry… you’re not alone,” you breathe out, heart aching for the man you love with everything in you. “And I’m not only talking about myself. Your mom, Gemma, Niall, even Saige, Ava and Linda are always happy to help you out with everything. If Maggie was still here, it wouldn’t be just the two of you. Raising a child needs a whole village,” you chuckle softly. “But if you want a partner in it… I’m here. And I really mean it. I see a future with you, I want to be part of your family, of course, only if you let me.” Reaching over your hand finds his on his lap and you squeeze it gently as he looks at you, his expression still a little torn, but it’s not as painful as it was when he arrived.
“I would love to have you be part of my family, Y/N.”
It’s like a rock is lifted off your chest upon hearing his reassuring words. This is all you ever wanted, have a partner in life who is willing to build a future together with you and Harry is offering you just that.
You stay on that old little bench for so long, you don’t even realize how late it has gotten, only when your mom shows up at the door, wearing her nightgown and a fluffy robe.
“Don’t want to bother, but do you want to spend the night? Just asking if I should get you some extra pillows and blankets…”
“Oh! Um, no. We are going home, but thank you mom,” you smile tiredly, noticing it’s nearing midnight now.
Harry stands from next to you and as he steps to your mother you realize they haven’t even met. Harry stands tall in front of your mom, but you notice the nervous flash in his eyes.
“I’m sorry, I didn���t even have the time to introduce myself,” he mumbles with a nervous chuckle. Your mom blushes, most likely finding your boyfriend quite handsome though you already showed pictures of him to her. “I’m Harry,” he says, holding out a hand.
“Oh, no worries! I’m Tina!” she smiles charmingly as they shake hands.
“Nice to meet you, Tina.”
“I know we should have probably had a better introduction, but we’ll come around some other time under better circumstances,” you chuckle softly as you stand up from the bench too.
You say goodbye to Trevor and your mom and finally head home. Harry tries to convince you to ride back in his car, but you don’t want to leave yours here, so you tell him it’s going to be fine. Both of you arrive in one piece and you only realize that Izzy is nowhere to be found when you walk into the house.
“Dropped her off at Gemma’s. I’ll have to explain a lot of things to my sister tomorrow, but it can wait,” he chuckles softly before his hands reach out to you, grabbing your waist gently as he pulls you closer to him. “I’m so sorry for tonight, Y/N.”
“Hey, we agreed that no more apologizing,” you remind him of the deal you made earlier. “It’s all in the past.”
Harry nods, huffing through his nose before leaning down he kisses you softly, as if you were some kind of fragile artwork that needs to be handled with so much care.
“I love you,” he whispers against your lips, his eyes barely open under his thick lashes.
“I love you too,” you smile back, your hands coming to rest at the base of his neck.
“I will never get tired of hearing that,” he chuckles lowly, making you laugh too.
“Good, because I’ll be saying it a lot.”
“Perfect.”
“Stop picking on your lip!” you warn Harry when you catch him fidgeting with his bottom lip. He wouldn’t admit, but he is surely nervous as the two of you are waiting for Izzy to join you downstairs. She just got home from the zoo with Gemma, they had an amazing day together, but it had a purpose. You needed her to be looked after while you went to the doctor. It was your first ultrasound since the time you went to see if you’re really pregnant or the tests just fooled you, but it was one hundred percent legit. You were indeed pregnant.
You and Harry got married a few weeks before Izzy turned six. She was the cutest little flower girl in the small ceremony held at the backyard of your own home. Both of you agreed that you don’t want anything big and flashy, just an intimate little wedding with your close family and friends. It’s been two months of being husband and wife and it’s almost completely sure the little baby growing now in your tummy was conceived on your wedding night…
You’ve been keeping it a secret, wanting to tell Izzy first before sharing the news with your friends and family.
“Do you want to talk first or do I do it?” Harry asks in a whisper, as if Izzy could hear anything from upstairs.
“I have a feeling you wouldn’t be able to get a word out so I’ll take the lead, if you don’t mind,” you chuckle softly and Harry doesn’t argue.
He has been such a nerve wreck thinking about telling Izzy that she is going to be a big sister. These past years she has dealt so well with processing everything about the situation with her mom, you and the idea of her dad having a new wife. You felt like she was a little confused at the beginning, but once you had an actual, mature talk with her, answered all her questions, you could see things shift to place in that cute little head of hers. Now she knows what it means that her mom passed and how you came into the picture. This is why you have no doubt she’ll take the news well, but Harry is still afraid she might flip.
Little feet tap against the floor somewhere upstairs and then Izzy runs down the stairs, joining you at the dining table.
“What’s the surprise?” she asks in excitement. You told her you have a surprise for her when she arrived and now she is pumped for whatever is coming.
“Izzy, you know how Zac has a little brother, right?” you ask, smoothly starting the discussion.
“Yes! His name is Jeremy!”
“Yeah. So Jeremy is a little younger than Zac, they are siblings. Zac’s parents wanted to have more than just one kids and so they decided to have Jeremy.”
“Mrs. Rumbald had him in her belly!” she explains cleverly. The topic of babies has already came up earlier, so now she has an idea of what really happens when a couple decides to have a baby.
“Exactly,” you nod smiling. “You know how your daddy and I are now married, right? We talked about what it meant.” Izzy nods, glancing at her father who is sitting beside you, sweating his balls off even though it’s going smoothly. “Married couples often decide to have babies. This is what your dad and I did too and now there is a baby in my belly too. That means that you’re going to have a little brother or sister soon.”
Izzy blinks a few times, processing your words before her face lights up with excitement as she gasps.
“Can I play with her?” she asks, making you and Harry laugh.
“Might be a boy, baby,” Harry chimes in.
“Okay, then can I play with him or her?” she corrects herself.
“Well, you have to be careful with newborn babies, but I’m sure she or he will love to play with you!”
“What’s it gonna be called?” she asks her next question.
“We don’t know that yet. But you can suggest names if you want to,” Harry offers.
“Can it be Elsa if it’s a girl?” she immediately suggests and you smile at her first thought. Of course she says Elsa, she is going through her mandatory Frozen obsession like every other kid at her age.
“We’ll put it on the list,” you tell her. “Do you want to see a picture of the baby?”
“You can take pictures of the inside of your belly?” she asks with a confused look.
“Well, not with a camera like the ones I use,” you explain as you place the black and white, messy picture of the tiny baby in front of her. She grabs it and starts inspecting it as if it was some kind of puzzle and you can tell she is having a hard time making out where the actual baby is. “That’s right there. It’s still tiny and has to grow a lot,” you tell her, pointing at the right splotch in the picture.
“Can I keep this picture?” she asks smiling up at you sweetly. “I want to put it to my wall!”
A while ago Harry has gotten her a huge frame right above her bed that has wires running across it with tiny clips attached. You’ve gifted her her favorite polaroids from your stack you’ve collected through the years, most of them featuring the three of you. It’s touching to know that she wants her little sibling there already.
“Of course!” you breathe out, touched by the idea.
You follow her up into her room and while she stands on the bed, you put the sonogram next to a photo that was taken of her and Harry on her sixth birthday.
“Can I tell my friends at school that I’m going to have a brother or sister?” she asks, still standing on the bed so now she is almost as tall as you are.
“Um…” glancing over at the door your eyes meet Harry’s who just shrugs, letting you know it’s up to you. “I guess you can, yes.”
“Thank you!” she beams, throwing her little arms around your neck as she hugs you tight and you return it gladly. “Can I watch some TV, please?” she asks with an angelic look she knows you can never resist.
“Yeah, but only for an hour,” you tell her as she jumps in victory before climbing off the bed. Running to the door she gives Harry a hug before disappearing down the hallway. Harry walks in, a proud and soft smile tugging on his lips as he steps to you, his hands finding your waist. He pulls you against his hard chest, pressing a chaste kiss to your forehead.
“This went well, right?” he asks.
“Yeah, you were such a big help, sitting there in silence,” you chuckle teasing him.
“But you handled it so good, baby. I didn’t want to interrupt,” he smirks and you just roll your eyes at him before circling your arms around his neck.
“Uh-huh, sure,” you smirk. “So… are you ready to be a daddy again?” you ask him with a shy smile.
“Technically, I never stopped being a daddy,” he points out. “The real question is, are you ready to become a mommy?” he asks turning it back to you.
“I’m… a little nervous, but very excited. I think I’m ready,” you nod smiling.
“Don’t worry, it’s gonna be alright,” he hums, kissing into your hair.
“Wow, when did you become the emotional support in this relationship?” you tease him and he just rolls his eyes.
“Learned from the best,” he nudges his nose against yours before kissing you softly. “I love you.”
“Love you too,” you smile against his lips, thinking about how long the two of you have become since you first met and you are happy you got to be the person who taught Harry how to love and be loved again.
Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed it!
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About Internet Water Army in the case
This is an ongoing update about the case from start to development. List of all related posts can be found on this blog's pinned post (link provided at bottom of each post as well).
19 August 2021 update: Added the scale of his success for reference, before bonus below
18 August 2021 update: Added timeline of events, orange title in post, found out the official English term for Immoral Media = Internet Water Army)
Major updates since first draft: Added bonus, added disclaimer, certain info details
Originally posted on 16 August 2021
[The purpose of this post is to provide a perspective as to why the Media is raised/blamed regarding the issue. Especially for international fans, as all the encounters happened on Weibo. Also, those who were on weibo, do read through if you will. So although it's lengthy, do try to read all, at least if not the last two parts].
The Media referred by most, is not the common perception of the Entertainment Industry (celebrities, directors, shows, channels, staff etc), but the dark side of the Entertainment industry: Antis, toxic fans, toxic marketing accounts. They are called Internet Water Army💧.
Toxic Marketing Accounts is one of the things they do, these accounts on Weibo has millions of followers, each of their post likes are in the hundred thousands (buyable) to give credibility to passer-bys. Some use similar names to Official accounts, some use similar logos. Their posts are usually subjective or aims to steer view points of a certain celebrity/movie/show. Before the latest update of this post (18.08.21), I just group them all together and term them as Immoral Media*.
*Below is my original post using my original term because at point of first draft, I did not know the official term (so have changed/added the term from Immoral Media to Internet Water Army in content below but retain the content based off first draft).
If you have chased before celebrities, or just simply passed by an article about certain celebrities, recall how some title that caught your attentions were like. Clickbaits is one of the many things they do. If GZ is your first and you do not have Weibo, then this read(link) is good enough.
Just as the term Immoral Media (Internet Water Army), it’s immoral and unethical, but they exists because they are paid to do so. Who pays them? Entertainment Companies, and maybe other Organisations
Normal Media/Marketing vs Immoral Media/Toxic Marketing/Internet Water Army
When a show or movie comes out, the normal Marketing department will generate outreach and buzz so that people know a show is airing soon/know the show exists etc. Official announcements are not enough, because there isn’t much context (limited content to put up as well) so having some other Marketing accounts do the buzz in a planned period to gain awareness through posts, some articles about the casts, the plot summary, the production details etc is normal. This is Marketing, bigger companies will probably have stronger Marketing departments (aka influence) and can hire more Marketing accounts to generate buzz. Celebrities (aka casts) themselves, are also Marketing point.
Then we have the Internet Water Army/Immoral Media, these are what they mainly do:
Create Fanfiction-rumors: Creating rumors about celebrities to shift audience perception of them. [eg. XX was seen with XX leaving a hotel, XX was drunk on Event Y and did ZZZ to AA, XX is dating BB and has been in a relationship for N years etc]
Honing their brain degrading skills: Come up with titled clickbait headings/ trending topics with negative written contents. For articles, exceptionally out of heading content related to the celebrity. [Refer to Baidu, it’s a winner of these, feel free to Google Translate]
Regressing their common sense and understanding skills: Take everything a celebrity does completely out of context in a negative way and create a topic out of it [eg. XX said AA is a ---, “XX raised his finger, a sign of ---?”, XX pushed BB aggressively on Variety Show Y - A competition variety show, XX is in beef with CC because XX was caught giving CC the eye]
Using their fingers to stir shit and bathe each other in it: Escalate all smallest form of possible tension created by fans/themselves into a huge thing by acting as the fandom's fans/lurk in fandom chat groups, and voicing their disguised opinion to spread tension/exaggerate severity of the issue [eg. XX fans mocked AA - in groupchats: tbh I've never liked AA before, AA just gives off a vibe that I dont like and now this? It just disgusts me even more > Yea, i feel this way too. AA has problems / XX Lurkers expressing views on XX about NN, slowly to NNMHFXW - XX did NNMHGT - I cannot accept NNmHfHw, I'm leaving = multiply by 1000++]
Epitome of a self-deteriorate: Creating something out of nothing and react to that something negatively to gain massive attention/reaction [eg. “XX raised his hand on show Y” - dk what XX fans are thinking, are they literally blind? XX fans are tasteless just like XX hahaha / “XX did community service” - they are acting / “XX breathed” - From the start, i thought XX was NN, but I am so ZZZ that XX breathed. Goodbye fandom, i’m leaving. Those who still want to stay I urge you to rethink your life choices] - if I may add, Xiao Zhan’s fanfiction case as well.
Metaphor - Ability to use bare hands to collect paychecks from the urinal/toilet bowl where their boss/client peed in: Doing all of the above.
Apologies for any term offense, but not apologetic of the term context. This is what they do for a living. Any normal human being who do not like anything, will generally not be interested at anything about it in the first place, so to have some antis/toxic fans knowing certain things and inside jokes/references in their posts questions their goal.
On involved in Internet Water Army/Immoral Media 💧
Fans on weibo during these few months witnessed many of the above on GZ. From rumored girlfriend (spammed with articles) to mean and nasty comments on trending topics, to bouts of insults and fake emotional cryouts by certain fan accounts that GZ's office has to release a number of Lawyer’s letter to them.
Aside from WOH there were also a few other BL adaptation films that were actually released this year but they did not reach exponential success like WOH. BL adaptations are so highly followed by because this is the key to wealth. Literally. Successful BLs like The Untamed and Dao Mu Bi Ji saw the amount of wealth fans are willing to spend on the celebrity as compared to say BG or idols (younger fan groups). This is why when WOH shot up exponentially, Immoral Media start to sweat.
Major anticipated adaptations were supposed to air this year eg. Hao Yi Xing(HYX), Sha Po Lang(SPL) etc but was severely held back due to the stricter change in BL adaptations submitting their scripts for approval regulations (WOH manage to submit earlier before the change). Because of this, most final films were rejected and they have to keep re-editing, by then WOH was already months into reaping tonnes of major brand endorsements, shows/movie casting, variety show appearances etc, something that is seen as too successful in the Immoral Media’s eyes, because they have to create buzz for other celebrities, some are specific celebrity oriented and thus circulate rumors about having endorsement opportunities shifted from celebrity X to GZ (think fanfiction-rumors and shit stirrer) causes tension in celebrity fandoms. - A real event just in July:
The Untamed’s cp fandom is called BJYX which had always been in the Top 1 of Cps for 2 years dropped for awhile to Top 2, over taken by LLD. Both of them had a war and hated each fandom, one fandom is somehow not allowed to like the other fandom even casually after everything broke out because it started out with some BJYX toxics photoshopped GZ on of portraits .
Also another case of which he wore the same costume as WYB did in a previous photoshoot and it became a useless comparison of who wore better, who looks better, degrading the other. (Finger stirring shit).
Now apply all of the above things the Internet Water Army do and we have them earning money, while both fandom reacts and hate each other.
In LLD, our own fans started suspecting each other on who is a spy from BJYX and what not.
The first few months of Internet Water Army saw LLDs mostly mocking them because the average age is 30-40s, they know and see through all of their intentions so nothing was big. They were trumpeting and LLDs didn’t even care, what with all the doing tedious stats was not even important to them.
Over time, as the issues they create became more and more serious LLDs did start to care, reporting Toxic Marketing accounts/toxic fans became a daily task, go vote for GZ at certain polls etc, solo fans, and LLD fans also split apart. Solo fans think cp fans use GZ to furnish their fantasies, and cp fans thinks they are the ones furnishing their dreaming-girls fantasy with (aka my boyfriend).
There was also a period where LLD had a habit of continuously mentioning “we are in the 30-40s so we can see through everything about the media, we are all fans for the first time, we are good at spending money (because of purchase power compared to other fandoms)” it was prevalent for so long it felt odd, ‘chasing celebrities the first time’ in particular sounds more vulnerable as a weakness than a strength / sth to be proud of.
Gradually, more secretive/insider confirmed ‘sweets’ were flying around. Fans advised each other to not circulate, and the mindset of “if you know, you know, dont tell.” (This is a problematic mentality, of which fans will still be curious to know and search for it themselves, but this secretive hook is unhealthy. Over the long term, it becomes hard for existing fans to know a lot of things properly to judge for themselves, especially those who knew and publicly reacted, but blasting those who ask and telling those who know to keep quiet, this did not help some to understand why on certain things, even so for international fans, dont know and dont understand, causing misunderstandings. Yes, certain information should not be shared, so why should you react about it publicly in the first place? - Internet Water Army effect)
The last few months (for example the July fan war) created a tonne of seriousness and anger. A period even broke out with a tonne of ‘insider confirmed sweets’ (which is LLD’s daily dose of happiness), it was hard to tell what was real and what was fake. Trending topics became negative and everyone warned each other not to enter because it will give the trends ‘views’ and trend statistics, in reality entering there is to enter an exhibition by the self-deteriorates, collecting the fandom's traffic data (it's a sure lose for fans each time they enter the topic). Everyone even starts thinking that the trend’s popularity was caused by each other (it's true but it can be bought daily and not caused by fans). There was a raise in the number of fans who were getting emotional because they want to protect but Internet Water Army kept coming and got worse, because fans, tbh, not just GZ fans, every other celebrity’s fans are always fighting with an Army, getting played and plotted in that Army's calendar.
Even so, despite all of these, LLD is actually a fandom Internet Water Army may find the hardest to break because they understand GZ so much, they could tell what are fake news regarding GZ, because among everything above, there are still plenty of logical fans to stop many fans from drifting too far and debunking them. Why? 30-40s are grown up adults.
Why 13.8.21 and the Japan issue is plotted?
First of all, in the political climate of China, there are many political dates in a month that is NO-Entertainment news. Because it’s the honoring of certain important political events. It’s like Remembrance Day, thus the sensitivity is higher. On these days, there are usually no news and even the Internet Water Army zip their pants. This year also marks the 100th year of the Chinese Communist Party(link)
Secondly, he had no work schedule on 13 August 2021. A great full day to focus on any other news (because if he had schedules, everyone will turn their attention to his events, what trumpeting outside is just bird chirps).
Thirdly, when the news broke out, especially about the shrine, the reception was actually quite serious within the fandom so the scale of this might be big but to what extent in reality?
Lastly, 15.8.21 marks the 76th anniversary of the announcement of surrender of Japanese in World War 2(link). Also a day of NO-Entertainment news.
Timeline of events:
13.8.21 - [His rest day, Eve of Chinese Valentine's Day, Japan News broke out] His rest day, no schedules = increased attention about him online. Lowered guard among fans because they are getting ready for tomorrow's Chinese Valentine's sweets = Caught off guard = Huge break out of fans' reactions
14.8.21 - [Chinese Valentine's Day, Eve of the 75th Anniversary of the announcement of Japanese surrender] Keep a wishful and happy demenaor to not destroy the mood, suppressed thoughts about ZZH's Japan news
15.8.21 - [75th Anniversary of the announcement of Japanese surrender, Official announcement of ZZH's boycott and all China social media account ban] NO-Entertainment news day, Solemn day, not allowed to voice anything so the fandom can only wait for tomorrow to start voicing out/debunking but before they can wait out, the boycott and social media ban happened, every official accounts about him was gone overnight, fans had no time to react
17.8.21 - [All official fandom accounts related to ZZH and JunZhe were locked/removed]
Forced to be silent since the day his matter broke out, over the course of official news release with everything taken down in a day because of the Japan correspondence, his accounts banned overnight across the Chinese media and the overnight cancellation, fans could not speak anything about it. Overnight cancellation like this scale happened for the first time in China, leaving no time to react by the fandom, by the time they can, they are silenced.
When the period of events occured within a set of special dates, it’s not coincidence.
Conclusion
Because he was too successful and had many actually honorable past things, and a hard to influence fandom, Internet Water Army view him as a huge threat enough to want to destroy him, because it’s hard to defeat. With a chance they have, they will hold it till the end, bringing up this issue to the Government during this period also shows a sign of how scared they were of him and perhaps his fandom to plot something like this.
Updated on 19 August: Here's a screenshot of assumed calculation on the scale of GZ success for reference while chatting with a fellow fan, assuming GJ also has 27 brands, and there are 1000 brands. Rationale of numbers used: Only big brands can hire big celebrities.
Bonus
Mentioned in the first post, will mention again in case. After the news broke out within 2 days, there was a drop on his weibo followers from 18.9mil to 18.7mil. 200k+ drops, if the politics was such a big national issue, there should at least be a huge drop, even at least a million right? Because weibo is a China-Chinese majority right? Nope, we get a puny 200k drop.
What's funny? The self-deteroriates:
Translation: "Are his fans bought? Why didnt he drop fans? Those people got brainwashed to this point?" / "I've never entered his weibo and today i feel like having a look yet it showed I've followed him. All his fans were bought right? It disgusts me, i immediately unfollowed. This kind of process is worse than WYF..." / "i dropped fans because of him...no...I just reposted 2 posts and I've dropped 4 fans?"
Isn't the tone and regressing brain cells, all too familiar and same?
//
Added above, will remind again to read this link. It has an even more in-depth knowledge on who are paying them.
So what should we do? Link here
Related posts 🛏️:
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snape as harry’s guardian
ok so. my take of the day is that snape was harry’s only true guardian/protector/trusted adult. before anyone tries to suggest i’m vilifying the remus, sirius, dumbledore, mcgonagall, molly, etc., please know that’s not my point at all. i think each of those characters loved harry in some capacity. but none of them was fit to protect harry - his life, his soul, whatever else. sirius tried, yes. but he was a fugitive. kinda puts a damper on the whole “adopting a child” thing. and dumbledore did do a lot to protect harry. the problem there is just that...dumbledore was also a big reason why he needed any protection in the first place. i’m not here to talk about these characters, though. that’s just my opinion. feel free to reject it.
my point is that even if those characters were fit to fill the role of harry’s “parental figure,” snape is the character who fills that role the best. i actually think this is intentionally baked into the narrative. why do i think that? because snape is to lily as sirius is to james, but lily’s love for harry is elevated above james’s by the story. ergo, snape fills a larger role than sirius does in protecting harry.
i don’t think it’s a good message, but there is no denying that motherly love > all other forms of love in the hp ‘verse. the emphasis on lily’s connection to harry over james’s is in fact so emphasized that jkr made a continuity error in gof because of it (with the priori incantatem; lily should have come before james, but she came after him. i’ve seen plenty of people try to explain this away for x, y, or z reason, but imo the reason is that whoever comes second is more important. plain and simple). in dh, when he uses the stone, he’s fixated on his mother. he looks directly at her when he says “stay close to me.”
obviously, snape isn’t a mother, but “snape was a single mother” will never not be one of the funniest jokes made about hp imo but he is given a lot of feminizing traits, from his handwriting to his long hair to his patronus (edit: check out this post for more on this! super interesting stuff tbh). in fact, on the last - i would argue his partronus is less reflexive of obsession and has more to do with the fact that, in many ways, lily taught snape what love is. similarly, we see with the title of “half-blood prince” that snape feels more connected to his mother than his father. his connection to magic is a maternal one. we don’t get a lot of info on eileen, no, but there is a lot to indicate that she has more positive influence in her son’s life than tobias does.
there’s a lot more that could be discussed there, but i’d rather focus on the part about lily. at first glance, sure, his love for her looks obsessive. it probably is a little bit. but lily was snape’s first and only true friend, and it is his fault she died. uh, yeah. i’d be obsessed too. that is an insane type of grief to be carrying around - the bereavement of a lost friendship, coupled with all that guilt. dude spent his whole adult life atoning for what he did. well, never mind that. lily was also his first “out” from an abusive household. i’ll be the first person to say that like...a lot of my attachment to harry as a character comes from his abusive upbringing. i don’t think the topic of abuse is handled well in this series. i also think that a lot of times, people in the fandom downplay its effects on the characters who experience it. but like...loveless childhoods mess people up. a lot. there’s this deep, very human desire we all have to love and be loved - to have our experiences, our existences, validated. even if one or both of his parents did really love him, it doesn’t change the fact that kids like snape don’t get that at home. they have to seek it out from other people. and snape found it in lily. his whole life revolved around her. when she died, he devoted himself to her son.
which is all a very long way of saying that snape becomes a stand-in for lily. it’s all very cyclical, too: lily dies to keep harry alive, and snape keeps himself alive only long enough to ensure harry knows he has to die. isn’t that neat!
so there’s one big part of my argument: snape is harry’s best protector, because he is supposed to represent lily - his mother, the person who loves him more than anyone else. but that’s just what i see has been intentionally slotted into the narrative. i think it’s boring. and sucks because i hate the way lily is put on a pedestal by the narrative.
but! there’s more! a lot more, in fact.
imo a better basis for this is in all the things we actually know snape does for harry. some are very obvious. some are probably just coincidental, or solely symbolic. here’s a list of the top of my head, which is not exhaustive by any means:
was suspicious of and actively working against quirrell throughout ps
countered quirrell’s jinx on harry’s broom, then actually reffed the next gryffindor game
he’s the one who finds and fetches ron and harry after they crash ron’s dad’s car
he actively discourages the idea that harry is slytherin’s heir
one of those symbolic ones - he teaches harry exepelliarmus
he is hyper-vigilant in poa - under the belief that sirius black is a serial murderer out for harry’s blood
he goes after harry and co. in the shrieking shack and steps in front of a werewolf to protect them (great parallel to The Prank, js)
returned to spying despite the risk to his own life
agreed to teach him occlumency, and tbh was shit at it but he did realize what harry was dreaming about and put two-and-two together there and reported it to dumbledore
actively impedes umbridge from interrogating harry
he understands harry’s message about sirius, and when harry doesn’t come back he goes out into the forest to find him himself after alerting the order of what he thinks is going on. i’m bolding this because imo this detail and everything that happens around it is kinda huge
he gets between harry and draco when they’re basically throwing death threats at each other LOL
the half-blood prince’s book. need i say more.
he heals draco after harry uses sectumsempra on him, and then lets him off tbh prety easy. harry wholly deserved to be expelled for this. snape is the one who protected him from being expelled, even though he himself was nearly accidentally killed by classmates too - and didn’t get justice for it. i’ve seen people say his choice of detention was too harsh, but i very much disagree. it was deserved. and could have served to teach harry a pretty good lesson tbh; snape just misjudges his character in such a way that it can’t do that because it’s not actually really a lesson harry needs. either way, the punishment was lighter than the crime
he kills dumbledore. maybe the poison wouldn’t have killed him first, but either way - it keeps the death off harry’s conscience
he’s the only character who ever calls harry out for casting the cruciatus curse. this is in chapter 28 of hbp, “flight of the prince.” this entire scene is super big to me. harry is throwing crucio and sectumsempra at snape, and he just blocks the spells. he lashes out once, and it’s when harry tries to use levicorpus on him - it’s an exact 1:1 parallel with snape’s worst memory. he slashes his face, just like he did to james. in this scene he tells harry “until you learn to shut your mouth and close your mind” which is...frankly, live-saving advice. even while this kid is hurling torture spells at him. speaking of torture spells - when someone else tortures harry here, snape is the one who makes them stop and forces everyone to flee, and leave harry where he is
honestly? it’s a hell of a lot more than any other adult does for harry. and what’s interesting to me is that after the first book, harry mostly stops being shocked when snape does something to protect him. in fact, in ootp, he blames what happened on snape with the full awareness that it is actually his own fault. that’s what makes this part stick out to me the most. children often do this thing where, like...they blame a parent or other trusted adult for x bad thing that’s going on. they’ll say, like, “it’s all your fault, i hate you,” etc. and one of the reasons why is because the trusted adult in question is someone they know will continue to love and protect them regardless. it’s a way of deflecting difficult emotions - things that are too large for them to handle on their own - on to an external target. self-hatred opposes the human instinct for survival. projected on someone else...it’s safer to lash out.
my thoughts? deep down, harry knows snape will protect him. he is reliable. very rarely do we ever see him go back on his word about something - to harry or anyone else. in a sense, he’s kind of predictable. his hate for harry is as normal as his determination to keep him out of harm’s way. i think this is a big reason why harry reacts so violently to finding out about snape’s hand in telling voldemort the prophecy. it’s a betrayal twice over: one, a betrayal by dumbledore for never telling him - and letting snape teach at hogwarts, letting snape watch over harry - and two, a betrayal by snape for doing something that is, yeah, unforgivable in his books. and then he kills dumbledore on the same day. suddenly he’s gone from reliable but hated teacher to some harry “hated nearly as much as he hated voldemort.”
but in the shrieking shack, he is compelled to approach him. he takes his memories. he views them, and accepts them. there is real trust there, i think. trust, which grows into respect. a name worthy of passing on to a child - because like harry, snape had no family. which leads me to their parallels.
their parallels. holy shit.
so. i’ve got a lot of issues with how harry potter is written. one of the biggest has a lot to do with this quote, from dh chapter 34 “the forest again” (my most detested chapter for a whole host of other reasons. go figure):
“hogwarts was the first and best home he had known. he and voldemort and snape, the abandoned boys, had all found home here...”
people have hashed this conversation out a million times - should harry have been sorted into slytherin? i’m not here to answer that question, but i think uh. yeah. he should’ve been. that’s a way more profound story imho. thematically, it would make a lot more sense. but ask me about that some other time. i have plenty of thoughts.
anyway, what this quote tells me is that, even if they had a lot of untapped potential, there are major parallels between these three characters:
they are all half-bloods
they all have ties to slytherin house
they all came from nothing. they had no families
voldemort is beyond saving. and while the parallels are strong with him too, they’re more abundant between harry and snape:
they grew up in abusive households
they grew up wearing hand-me-downs
they were detested by muggle relatives for being magical
they were bullied and assaulted in school
they were both in some way marked by voldemort
stag patronus | doe patronus
they are “dumbledore’s men” - harry tells scrimgeour this about himself. in dh, he tells voldemort that “snape was dumbledore’s.” as it turns out, dumbledore made them both sacrifices. they were both betrayed by him in the same respect. by dumbledore’s orchestrations, they both die at voldemort’s hand
when snape starts teaching dada, hermione points out that he approaches the subject much as harry does
they both use dark arts - some of the only “good” characters we see use them on multiple occasions, in fact
like i mentioned, they play out the werewolf prank in reverse in poa. in hbp, snape’s worst memory
i think, ultimately they both see a lot themselves in the other. their mutual hatred, then, is the same sort of thing i mentioned before - self-hatred projected outward. harry gains peace and acceptance from snape’s memories. in other words, he gains peace and acceptance from seeing snape exactly how he was. when snape dies, he asks harry to look at him - in that moment, he sees him not as james potter’s son, but as lily evans’s, too. he sees, in a way, “both sides” of harry.
do i think they ever liked each other? absolutely not. this comes from the fact that they don’t actually see each other until the very end. which is i think...a big reason why so many people struggle with the name “albus severus,” or feel like snape’s death was cheap - somehow a "redemption through death.” it wasn’t that, because his redeeming actions were done throughout the timeline of the entire series, and before that, even. but we find it all out at once, like harry does. by which point, snape is already dead, so it feels like a cop-out. but harry forgives him! ergo, he forgives himself. in a literary, symbolic sort of way.
anyway, we all know i love a good snape adopts harry story. for me, that comes down to the fact that these parallels and everything add up so that snape is the adult with the capacity to understand harry best. and if snape’s final moment in canon is seeing harry just how he is - and vice versa - yeah! it’s really satisfying to see that played out in a fic scenario where they get to actually talk to each other about it. in my opinion, there’s a lot of potential there. a lot of potential that just...can’t work in the books. and it’s really unfortunate, because more than understanding each other, they can learn through one another to understand themselves. and i think that’s a pretty cool dynamic, honestly.
#*meta#taylor.txt#severus snape#harry potter#severitus#not actually but for my own tagging purposes. so you can all see why severitus >#not about to start tagged my posts as pro snape or whatever the fuck but yeah sure i left out the 'bad parts'#did snape hate harry unfairly? treat him badly for a bad reason? he sure did. doesnt make the rest of this untrue tho >:0#anyway this couldve been longer but im sure ive said enough#feel free to add on to my points or argue or whatever and sorry if i made typos. im too tired to check for them LOL#its not an 8k+ word essay this time. promise. its significantly shorter#mine
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GIGS No519 Interview 京 [Voice]
GIGS 2021 JUN released on April 27th (interview itself was done on April 6th)
The last solo interview is with Kyo. In the previous interviews, all band members from the music instrument squad all mentioned ‘simple’ in reference to Oboro. Yet how did he perceive the song and what feelings were put into the lyrics? Let’s discuss it thoroughly.
The most important thing is that I want to be able to let out honestly what I want express, what I see, what I felt or thought that one moment.
text: Yukinobu Hasegawa
photos: Reishi Eguma
translation: kyotaku (pls let me know if you see any mistakes!)
You can get GIGS 6月号 on Amazon Japan or HMV or CDJapan or TOWER RECORDS or other shops!
――It shows in the footage enclosed in the deluxe and first press editions of ‘Oboro’ that the songwriting for the new album started quite some time ago.
京 I was probably working on various things without thinking about a single, so I don’t really remember when was it. I’m working on songs aaaaaaaall the time (laughing). I don’t really grasp when each song was done or which one will become a single, so honestly speaking I don’t really know.
――You’re also doing sukekiyo. I have many chances to speak with sukekiyo members and they were surprised that ‘Kyo will be sending new songs ideas or melody anytime’ (laughing). Is your pace of coming up with ideas as high with DIR EN GREY?
京 On the contrary, I’m not saying much in case of DIR EN GREY. Just about ‘I’m looking forward to it’. I’m not writing songs, so upon listening to the demo of the song sent by other members I just give them my opinion like ‘how about we change it a bit like this?’ or ‘this way is good’.
――At the time you started writing songs did you already have an idea what you wanted for the next album?
京 I didn’t. Not at all, I felt I could read this and that about the album from the direction we were going from the atmosphere of the songs the members brought in earlier. In our case we often don’t have talks like ‘let’s make an album like this’. So, on the contrary I usually don’t say much about things like album image, I think we can make more irregular thing if I keep a flat position.
――So even you are looking forward to what kind of response you will have when listening to the song’s demo?
京 I am.
――Because of the spread of COVID-19 it’s hard to move around now, so how do you get input for the music, art and so on?
京 Nah, I don’t really do anything. If you ask about input... the most I do is watching various news.
――Do you feel that the things happening around you and around the world are something that drive you when you’re expressing yourself?
京 I’m sure they do. What I think when I see and feel various things, how I communicate that, it’s about that.
――The single ‘Ochita koto no aru sora’ you released last year had a digital release only thus there were no lyrics included, but fans listened to the song many times to try to understand the lyrics. As a result, I think they realized that it’s a song with a dreadful/intense message. Because lyrics include a such date as ‘㋇㏥・August the 6th’ among other things, there was a reaction also from fans around the world.
京 Frankly, I don’t check fans reactions. I don’t know what people will think after listening, but I don’t want to talk about the atomic bomb. In the end, the fighting continues, the same things keep happening again and again...like that. I think there are many issues, but there’s no right answer to them, it’s all just collisions of what we ourselves think is right and just. That’s why you can’t say that something is bad as a rule. It’s just one way of thinking, there are many ways we can look at things. For example, currently during the pandemic holding a concert is the right thing to do or not, won’t the answer and the way of thinking be different for every person? Now more than ever we got a situation when it’s very difficult to say ‘this is the way’. It’s the way I feel now seeing various things.
――Because of COVID-19 there’s a lot of hate crime against Asians in the US. It’s a crime, but the people who commit it may see it as an act of justice.
京 That’s true. There are also many other issues like the gender discrimination, in all of them Japan is seen as lagging behind. It can’t be simply denied because the situation now and in the past is different, depending on the country or culture the way people feel or think is also different. It’s a difficult issue, isn’t it?
――I think you write many lyrics that make us think about that. There’s not only grieving in ‘Ochita koto no aru sora’, there’s a positive message at the end. That really resonated with me. Do you feel like the way you express and communicate things has changed?
京 No, I don’t think anything changed.
――I’d like to talk about ‘Oboro’ now, it seems like it was a pick out of few songs. What was your impression when you listened to the original song?
京 It was like all demos felt more like the album songs than a single. It’s normal as we originally didn’t start working on them thinking about creating a single, most of the songs were intended for the album and we decided to finish one as a single. Recently we had many up-tempo singles, so I thought it would be a good idea to release a ballad, not as epic as previous ones, but a ballad that could be included on the album.
――What kind of response did you have when you listened to the original song for the first time? Talking about the lyrics, I thought that because of the pandemic it became difficult to move around, and the thoughts have turned inwards. You told me [at t an interview] some years ago that you had some traumatic events, I thought [lyrics] relate to them.
京 In terms of the worldwiev and lyrics, recently there were no lyrics directed at one person, a lot of them had a message from a very broad perspective, that’s why first thing I wanted to do was to have a narrower worldview. So when I listened to the original song and the scene emerged [in my mind], the past songs videos are very broad. This isn’t a continuation but it was a start for me to want to put something like that together. It’s not about my own trauma, it’s a narrow worldview inside a big worldview. And without using grotesque expressions, I wanted to depict various feelings like love or hatred, and wrote lyrics with that in mind.
――The past songs you mentioned were also songs that had music videos made for them at the time. I was actually watching the video and having a flashback. The pain and agony of a woman, and I dare say her feelings about her aborted baby. That’s what gives a shape [to the new song]. At the moment is your expression or the direction of what you want to bring up in your lyrics changing?
京 I don’t mean it like we all should try being positive (thinking about the future) together, but as one should think about various things, I always want to write about what we think is the right path or what is just. But as I said before, what is right varies per person. It’s something I want to write about on the next album in the future.
――In other words, like stabbing/piercing each person’s feelings?
京 Well, yes. I think I’ve been thinking like that since the last album The Insulated World, but this time I’d like to go further into that direction... I mean it’s not like I have something precise I want to convey or I want to bring up this and that. The most important thing is that I want to be able to let out honestly what I want express, what I see, what I feel or think that very moment.
――As your age and work experience accumulate, I think people’s ideas and thinking will also change. What can you think of [that has changed] in the last few years?
京 Nothing (laughing). It’s not something you know about yourself. On the contrary I want to stay without changing. To change because the world is becoming a certain way is really not like me, I was always my own type of person, so I want to continue as I am. This is something I’m saying all the time, but I hate fixed ideas, I want to be always free to express myself. But there’s not much freedom in the world nowadays. Besides the problem with COVID-19, many countries have civil wars. That’s where we learn the importance of freedom again, and I also wondered if having a lot of freedom is not justice. When you start thinking like that it messes with your head, but I want to be free just in the world of expression. I feel like this is a one right no one can take away from me.
I think the most negative thing, for fans, for the band and for me, is not being able to show our real selves at the concerts.
――Are you taking that stance now as well when you’re writing for an album?
京 Nah, I haven’t written anything yet. We’re in the early stage of pre-production, so it’s not the point where I write lyrics yet. The songs are still in the middle of being changed, so it’s like I want to see more of them. Also, most songs don’t have a melody decided for them. And what I feel and think, what I want to express, things inside of me are changing every day. I want to be able to pack as current me as possible into [the lyrics], and to put into lyrics as recent images from the songs as possible, so I haven’t decided on them yet.
――Did you write the lyrics for ‘Oboro’ just before song-writing time as well?
京 Yeah. After the length/scale of the song is mostly decided in pre-production next is a step when I’m inserting temporary lyrics and then start recording.
――You have a [recording] vocal booth at home, so did you record ‘Oboro’ deciding the vocal direction by yourself?
京 If it was different, I probably wouldn’t be singing. I don’t want to go to a studio outside (laughing).
――Do you sing creating an environment for the song’s world like getting your room all dark when recording?
京 Nah, I’m a person who doesn’t do things like that, I can do it anywhere as long as I have a vocal booth. Just, I sing when I want to sing. When using a studio from what time and until what time is decided, engineers have their schedules, so even if I’m not happy with something and want to rerecord it, it takes time to get ‘let’s listen to it’ or ‘I’m gonna organize data’. And sometimes that timing doesn’t match my own rhythm. And, there are times when I want to sing soon after waking up or want to sing when I’m anguished not being able to sleep. I value this kind of speed so I can’t record outside my house anymore.
――In ‘Oboro’, even the trembling of your throat when your voice comes out got recorded, which helps the listener to get into the song even more. What were you looking for in terms of singing?
京 It’s a bit old-fashioned, isn’t it? In the past I was singing with my emotions so my mannerism/habits would really come out hard. After that I tried to get rid of them as much as possible, and as much as possible tried singing putting emphasis on the pitch and timing. For example, when the timing of each sound in first A melody and second A melody didn’t match perfectly, I would be unhappy, but now I just sing naturally so the timing can be a bit off. I deliberately sing with the feelings that were matching the flow of the song, so I don’t record with the intention of singing perfectly.
――You absolutely prioritise the emotions?
京 That’s right. But in case of ‘Oboro’, the lyrics don’t have a worldview where the emotions get stirred up to just burst out. They are hidden inside, I thought it would be interesting to sing in a restrained way without exploding. With that point, I recorded the song with the emphasis on the flow of the song. And I think I will keep that point the same when recording the album.
――There was a time when you were thinking like drawing a blueprint with many different voice tones and the arrangement of the choruses, it was interesting for you to play tricks with them, right?
京 There was a time when I pulled that out as a part of me, but now I want to pull other parts out. Increasing the things I can pull out, if I think the approach you just described is good, I just have to drag it all out. When I listen to the album as a whole, if I think there’s not enough appeal, I’d try a more gimmicky approach. In the end I won’t be satisfied with myself. I want to keep searching for more and more new ways, not only sing the way I’ve sung before.
――You had this kind of attitude from the start. As a coupling song for the single you have a customary self-remake song. This time it’s ‘TDFF’, to listen to the original song from the past again... ah, you don’t do it. I’m shaking my head for jumping into your answer (laughing).
京 I just briefly look at the old lyrics and decide I want to keep this part, I don’t need this part and so on. To some extend in myself I’ll just extract some part and from there extend the image and add things to it.
――Is it like breathing new life into a song?
京 Nah, it’s just the 2021 version. If we redid it now it’d look like this. We wanted to keep as many good parts as possible, but there were also parts where we felt ‘here it’d have been better to go with this’, so they got changed in the current version.
――By changing the song to a newest version can you see your attitude towards the singing or your thoughts?
京 I’m always putting in the things I’m feeling at that time, so I think to an extend I can see it. But it was originally a simple song, so it was easy.
――It was also recorded in your vocal booth at your home, right? I think I’d actually like to have a peek at you singing to see what’s it like (laughing).
京 Ah, it’s a really simple booth about the size of the phone booth. There’s a small thing working as a desk and I put my computer there, singing while sitting down and using a hand-held mic. I don’t want to use a recording standard stand mic. I want to sing as much as possible the same way I sing at concerts. But there’s no space for me to stand up so I sing sitting down (laughing). But in my case, it doesn’t matter if I’m singing standing or sitting down or sleeping (laughing).
――It doesn’t really affect your concentration.
京 I usually can finish recording one song in less than 2 hours, so I think anyone can concentrate for about 2 hours (laughing).
――The 3rd song on the single is a live track. How do you feel about performing without the audience?
京 Honestly speaking the songs that require a response [from the fans] were a bit tiring, but there was no change with the songs focusing on the worldview or the songs that just explode. Doing it naturally is about doing it naturally. I haven’t listened to that live track yet, but yeah.
――But yeah (laughing). Did you choose the song that got the most votes?
京 Nah, I’m okay with any live track. Like ‘please choose whichever you want’, I leave it to the other members or the people in the company. Concert is a raw thing (=unedited, live), I had many live tracks in the past where my voice was all messed up or where I was singing cleanly. That’s why now I don’t have anything that would make me go ‘wait, this is a bit...’. I think the me from that time is packed there so anything is fine.
――You’re soon going to have a first in a while concert with the audience on May the 6th. I think you might answer ‘not at all’, but how are you approaching it?
京 Today I was at the concert film screening event in Osaka, and we talked there about the concert. And I said there that because it’s still a month away I don’t think about it (laughing). Listen, if you were told you will be having this and that for dinner in a month, you would listen with only half an ear being ‘yeah got it’ (=you’d forget it next moment) (laughing). I start thinking about it about a week before the concert. I’m not the type of person to go ‘I’ll do my best!’, I’ll just let out my honest feelings at the time.
――During the time when you didn’t have the type of space or time that is a performance with the audience, were there any moments when you started wondering ‘what are concerts?’ and so on?
京 No, there weren’t. There were moments when I felt like I’d like to do a show, but I didn’t really think about things like ‘why are we doing concerts?’ or ‘what are concerts for me?’. It’s not like all my music activities stopped, so I didn’t have a moment to think that deeply about it. If anything, rather than us I think it’s the fans who were thinking about it.
――Because for many people concerts are something they live for. Kyo, you’re looking healthy.
京 There were times when it was very hard for me mentally, I don’t know what was the reason. Now... I’m trying not to think too much about unnecessary things. I’m trying to only think about what’s in front of me or about things I’m able to do now, I’m trying not to push myself too much. I’m trying to accept myself as I naturally am. But even then, there are still things that keep piling up, making me worry endlessly. I wish I would be able to let them erupt at concerts. I think the most negative thing, for fans, for the band and for me, is not being able to show our real selves at the concerts.
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