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sidhewrites · 6 months

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15! This one got long, it may end up being trimmed into two chapters. For now though, here's some exposition and research! Slight warning for suggested animal illness at the end, but I'll preface it with saying Renfield is fine and remains fine if a bit shaken throughout the entire book.

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Magnus Sunthorpe, as it turns out, has a long history of paperwork that was only preserved due to negligence on the part of whoever cleaned out the archives. The file folder was stuffed full of moldering, century-old slips of paper, each in their own yellowed folder that had been stamped with date range of the contents inside, as well as a much more recent note that they had been digitally preserved.

"You think the old Librarian forbade anyone from throwing them out?" I ask, waggling my brows at Josie before, once again, being forced to contend with the fact that, actually, the Librarian could do exactly that. I bite back any discomfort, and force myself to say, "She seems the type to hoard everything."

She shoots me a distinctly unimpressed look while we request copies of each page from one of the living librarians back up on the first floor.

"What kind of research project is this supposed to be?" he asks. His name tag reads Carter.

I give Carter a smile. "A weird one."

"A biography," Josie clarifies.

He raises an eyebrow at me, correctly deducing that Josie is the brains of this operation. "These are gonna be due in two weeks, same as any library book. You need an extension, you gotta come in or call us so we can make a note." He takes us to the research stacks just past the children's library, and pulls two three-ring binders down, each labelled meticulously with dates and information. Carter deposits the binders in Josie's arms, and she promptly hands them off to me. "Is this for a class or something?" Carter asks.

"No." I barely manage to keep myself from adding that Josie's cat is possessed, and instead manage to stumble into a different, less suspicious line of conversation, "I think the lady who works downstairs doesn't like when you throw things out."

Carter pauses before placing the third binder on top of the other two. "Not in the least."

Josie's eyes gleam. "You know who she is?"

"I think I'd know my coworkers, yes."

"Don't you love this time of year?" I ask. "The weather is cooling off, the leaves are all red, and there seems to be spooky shit everywhere you turn. Especially in old creepy libraries."

"It's an old building. We're lucky the wifi works. Asking for things not to be spooky in the basement levels is just getting greedy."

"So you agree. The basements are spooky."

Josie kicks me lightly.

I give her my most innocent look.

"I just work here, ma'ams," Carter says, but he holds my gaze long enough to get the point across.

I nod, and Carter nods back, but there's too many people around to talk for long. He helps us check the records out and sends us on our way.

"So am I the only one around here who apparently sees ghosts, or do you think he's just imagining shadows and shit?"

Josie shrugs. "I'm sure you're not the only one. I wonder what the cause of it is."

"I had a near-death accident when I was fourteen. I was doing track and field after school and tripped over a hurdle. Nearly broke my neck. I was in and out of consciousness until I woke up and saw myself lying in a hospital bed hooked up to a hundred different machines and an IV. It was terrifying. I looked around and saw my parents there, red eyed and tired, and I looked out the window and saw this bright light, and a woman's voice telling me it's not my time yet. Go back, there were still so beautiful girls to woo and so much stupid shit left to do in this world."

She listens intently until i get far enough in to remove any doubt that I'm making everything up. "I can't believe you still don't -- I mean -- believe. You're literally dating a ghost."

"I'm not--" I start, and stammer. I mean -- I kind of am, aren't I? But my face flushes, and I get indignant regardless. "That's not --! We're not putting labels on anything yet!"

"So you're in a relationship. With a ghost."

"I..." I start. If I hadn't been carrying binders just then, I'd have thrown my hands in the air or gesticulated or something to burn off the sudden nervous energy building up in my limbs.

"It's okay, I'm not judging. Well -- I am, but it's not my place to tell you how to live your life anymore."

"It wasn't in the first place either," I mutter, and shake it off. We're almost to the edge of campus. "Lucy can only come out at night, so we've got some time until she can look things over. Should we...?" I shrug vaguely, not sure where I'm going with this.

[Transition]

Over the next few hours, Josie and I go through the bulk of the documents. Okay, she goes through the bulk of the pages, and I sit there and color code things with sticky notes. In my defense, research has never been my strong suit, no matter how interesting the subject, and I'd like a bit of praise for not giving up entirely and going on my phone.

The documents come together to form the story of a deeply unpleasant man. He brought his birth certificate with him when he came to Sutton, tracing his family back to a farm in Kentucky. He was one of eight kids, and moved in to town in [year]. He started keeping a journal a month in, which seemed to show him finally happy with his surroundings, surrounded by trees and peace and few people. Magnus hated everything about the people who lived in Sutton -- loud, friendly, often covered in sweat and sawdust, but he liked the solitude.

And then came the pages upon pages of formal noise complaints submitted to the mayor from [the year after he moved] all the way up until his death in [YEAR]. Seems like nothing got past him -- not a neighbor's hog farm causing a ruckus during feeding time in the morning, nor a colic baby being rushed to the doctor in the middle of the day. And if a party ran late in the bar, damn anyone who thought they could have a bit of fun on the weekend without there being trouble.

And then, finally, in [year], he faced his demise doing what he loved best -- being a dick. Magnus had come out on New Years Eve, lantern in hand, shouting to the good loggers who dared celebrate with drinks and music and shouting in town. He was shoved out of town and tossed into the stables -- which, the obit writer made sure to add -- hadn't been mucked in a few days.

A horse panicked and kicked him in the head. He was pronounced dead in the morning, presumably when everyone's hangovers became tolerable enough to leave bed.

In our search, we found a report someone put together of him back in the 1960s titled Sutton's Most Miserable Man by Oliver Proust. It seems, so says Oliver, Magnus was the reason Sutton created municipal complaint forms in the first place, as an unsuccessful attempt to put him off of whining so often to the mayor. He was also the main reason Sutton imported so much paper from a larger town before the mining boom caused the population to grow a decade or two after his death.

"Oliver was right on the money," I surmised, nodding resolutely at our handiwork. The pages had been sorted -- scanned diaries over here, municipal complaint forms over there. "The most miserable man in town, probably in all of history."

"See what Lucy has to say about it. Maybe she knows him?"

"What, like they haunt the graveyard together? You think they're ghost buddies?" Unfortunately, now that I say it, that sounds plausible. They may not be friends per se, but with how long and how sociable Lucy seems to be, I don't doubt that she knows some of the other ghosts in the cemetery. "I'll ask her tonight," I say, and then groan. That's going to mean breaking in. I'm getting frustratingly casual with breaking rules surrounding my job lately, and that's definitely going to spell trouble for me later.

While waiting for night to fall, I pace around my apartment, clutching my phone like it owes me money. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. It could cost me my job. It could ruin any future chances the graveyard might have of working with public figures. Mr. Ngo could be angry at me. A thousand worst-case scenarios play through my head, over and over again, but I just keep looking at Renfield, curled up next to the space heater.

At six, he doesn't get up for dinner. When I try to pet him, he lets out a quiet low growl.

I can feel him there. Magnus. Whenever I look away, I hear a rustling behind me, and I turn to see Renfield's head up, eyes open, pupils narrowed to a sliver. I know it's Magnus in there, watching me. Waiting to see what I'll do. There's no other option. I need help.

I pick up my phone and dial.

The number goes right to voicemail, but I plead my case all the same, begging for help. Or at least for half an idea what to do.

Come nightfall, I'm in the graveyard again, spreading the pages out on a bench for Lucy to look over as she stands off to the side.

"Does any of this look familiar to you?" I ask. My flashlight catches on her, and I have to remind myself that she's a ghost. Ghosts are real, and my kind-of-girlfriend is one herself. Even knowing all that, however, it's still so easy to forget. She looks as solid as I do, her face pale but catching the light like it should. There are such subtle signs of wrongness that, even looking for them, they're easy to miss. But her veil doesn't move in the slight breeze, and the grass below her feet remains undisturbed. Even the mud clinging to my shoes is nowhere to be seen on her outfit, the hem of her gown as spotless as if it was freshly cleaned.

She pores over the pages, either unaware or uninterested in my staring as she scans the pages, eyes darting back and forth from headline to municipal form to obituary.

"No, not a thing. I could ask around, of course. I'm sure someone from his time would have more answers than myself."

I nod. Magnus died thirty years before Lucy was born.

[conversation about ghosts and the different kinds? Lucy has vague acquaintances.] "But ghosts don't socialize in quite the same way. We're not...all here, not all the time."

"Like when the sun's out?"

She nods. "For me, yes. But the rules aren't wholly clear, and they seem to be shifting all the time for some spirits."

I shift my weight and wrap my arms around my knees. "What do you mean?"

[Orbs vs spirits with no corporeal/visual form, sometimes they're more aware of where thye are sometimes its just emotions or detached intentions of going home]

She stands and looks at the old tree, skirts rustling in a nonexistent breeze. It's like she has her own weather sometimes, the wind wherever she is entirely detached from the wind where I am.

"Do you ever miss it?"

"Miss what?"

"I don't know. Life. Touching things? Eating. Changing your clothes. That kind of stuff."

She presses her lips together, gaze falling away. "I'm not sure. I've been dead longer than I was ever alive, and the world is so...big. There's so much to it now. And my memories of my life aren't always..." She pauses, trying to find the right words, but I think I understand this one.

"Yeah," I say, and rest my chin on my knees. "Like they're right there in front of you, and you know they're there, but you can't quite reach them anymore. You don't know where to look for them, right?"

"Exactly, yes."

"I get that sometimes. I mean -- I don't know if mine is the same as yours, but I have that sometimes."

"But you're alive."

"Eh." I shrug. "My brain's broken, but it's less broken now than I was when I was a teenager. Caffeine helps though." I lift my coffee in a toast.

"I don't follow."

"You want a brief history on psychiatric advancements of the 20th century?" It's a joke, but Lucy [looks at me like she'd like nothing more.] "Okay, sorry, that was an exaggeration. Basically, I have issues reliably paying attention and remembering things, among a whole slew of other stupid issues."

She nods, but I don't miss the hint of disappointment in her expression.

Before I realize what I'm saying, I blurt out, "I'll get a book from the library tomorrow. We can read it together, and I'll turn the pages for you. Deal?"

"Deal." Then, after a moment of deliberation, she says, "But why does coffee help?"

"Stimulants calm my brain down."

"Why?"

I shrug, and take a sip. "Because it's broken."

When I put my cup down, however, Lucy is looking at me, a crease furrowed between her brows.

"What?" I ask.

"Is it really?"

"Is what really?"

"Your brain. Is it really broken?"

"Oh. Nah." I laugh. "I'm just being dramatic. I'm fine now. Or, mostly anyway. Nothing too much coffee can't fix." Just to prove a point, I tilt my head back, and chug. I am the epitome of feminine grace.

Her concern doesn't let up.

I feel my smile falter under her gaze, and shrug. "It's fine, really."

"Kaz..."

I don't want to go into this. Not now. Not with her. "Look, I'm okay now. Really. I have some issues, but they're miles better now than when I was a teen."

Lucy makes a show of sitting on the bench, not even disturbing the papers I've set out, and patting the space next to her. Reluctantly, I gather the pages up and set them in my lap before sitting next to her. She doesn't talk first, just waits for me to be ready.

"Look...I mean it when I say I'm fine now, okay? There's problems, but it's manageable now. When I was a kid, you know..." I shrug. "I don't know when they came up with the term, but I had a major depressive disorder. I lay in bed for days on end. I fought with my parents because it was easier than pretending to be okay. When they learned I liked girls ..." I frown. My dad's words never left my memory, fallible as it could be some times. "It got worse. I got worse. My parents got worse. I had the grades to go to an ivy league school in junior year, then by senior year it was a miracle I graduated at all."

I don't look at Lucy, instead focusing on my calloused hands, fingers gripping the library pages tightly. "I had to skip a year before coming here, and I just barely got in." My fingers won't stay still. My knee bounces. "I'm better now, though. Away from my family. I have people I love here, and Renfield makes sure I get out of bed in the mornings, if only to feed him breakfast."

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Lucy's hand. She doesn't touch mine, but rests it gently next to it, our pinky fingers less than an inch from touching.

"I promise I'm doing okay, okay? I don't really mean it when I say my brain's broken. Other people have it worse. I just like to be a shit sometimes."

"Sometimes," she echoes, and there's a smirk in her voice, though it doesn't last long. When I look up, her gaze is distant. "When my husband passed, I thought I was dying. I don't remember his face, but I remember that...painful numbness. Like I was being torn apart at the seams, and yet like I was feeling nothing at all." Her brow furrows, mouth curving into a frown. "I lay in bed for days, not eating. I think I slept. And then..." She sighs. "I died. I woke up here, without him. If I saw my own funeral, I don't remember it."

I want to take her hand. I barely move my pinky out, feeling the icy static of her ghostly skin against mine.

"Do you miss him?"

"I loved him more than anything. I moved from the city to be with him." She pauses. "He was going to buy me a camera the second he had enough money. Every day he'd kiss me goodbye and promise that we'd have a million photographs -- of our home, of our family... Of us." She shook her head. "The only photo left was our marriage photo. I don't even know where it is anymore."

"I'll find it," I say without thinking.

"Kaz --"

"No. Listen. I'll find it for you, okay? You're a huge star in paranormal communities. If it's out there, someone has it, and probably posted it online. I'll find it."

She looks me dead on, the corners of her mouth starting to pull upwards once more. "I believe you."

"Believe in the internet," I say.

Lucy shakes her head. "I believe in you."

I'm still walking on air when I return home. I hum to myself, jingling my keys before putting them into the lock and opening the door

I stop dead in my tracks as soon as I step inside. The apartment has been turned upside down. Textbooks thrown off the table and shredded, dishes shattered on the kitchen tile. All my knickknacks and things litter the floor, chairs knocked over, couch torn to bits. Even the floor lamp has been knocked to the ground, the remains of light bulbs glittering in the carpet.

Renfield sits on the table, surrounded by his destruction. His fur is paler, pupils narrowed to a thin sliver in his yellow eyes.

"Have you had fun tonight?" Magnus asks. Black bile drips from Marius's mouth, and he launches himself at me with a wail.

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purplesurveys · 8 months

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1727

Did you get enough rest last night? I really didn't. I slept at 5 AM thinking that would surely let me sleep in the entire morning, but my body still automatically woke me up at 9 and didn't let sleep again by then.

What was the last thing that kept you awake? That would be right now – I finished off the entire first season of D.P. which I ended at around half past midnight, and now I'm back in my room downing the rest of my coffee with no intention to sleep yet, even with just four hours of rest haha.

If you have pets, do they sleep in your bedroom at night? No, they have their own corner in the living room.

Can you sleep with background noise or does it keep you up? It helps me fall asleep as the light noise gives me a sense of security, so I kind of need it.

Do you ever take naps? Do you take long naps or little power naps? Occasionally. I can never do power naps as they always end up feeling super insufficient for me, and I prefer having 3-4 hour naps.

What helps when you have trouble sleeping? I'd need to go through my phone and watch a lot of videos since that quickly gets the job done.

Who was the last person to cook you a meal? What did they make? My mom made pasta for sharing a few days ago.

Who was the last person you cooked a meal for? What did you make? I don't cook for anyone, because I don't cook.

Who is your female celeb crush? (If applicable) Song Hye Kyo, Park Jihyo.

Who is your male celeb crush? (If applicable) RM of BTS.

Tell me about an interesting article you’ve read recently. Andi shared a pretty unique piece with me this morning which was basically a personal essay of why McDonald's' Coke seems to taste better than Coke literally anywhere else. It was silly yet insightful, mundane yet so weirdly intriguing and fascinating. For somebody who doesn't even like soda, I found myself reading until the very end. I liked it a lot and subscribed to that author right away lol.

Do you have a favorite Marvel character? I'm not into anything superhero.

Favorite DC character? Yeah, no.

Do you read comic books? I tried getting into them but I got tired of faking it LOL so I just accepted that comic books and superheroes and I will never mix.

Has a horror film ever actually scared you? Which one(s)? I found Paranormal Activity to be a refreshing horror concept for its time and it successfully gave me the creeps, especially with the multiple endings. The sequels unsurprisingly didn't hold up the same magic but I'm very much willing to defend the first movie to my grave haha. OH Midsommar was also super freaky. I nearly refused to drive home that night because I was afraid of seeing the trees in the neighborhood suddenly pulsating.

What was the last horror movie you saw? The Menu counts as horror-ish, no?

What was the first horror movie you remember seeing? What did you think of it? The Exorcist. I was 12 and immediately downloaded a torrent when a quick "what's the scariest movie ever" Google search led me to that movie. In hindsight, though, because I already had expectations of how scary it is, I think that sort of pre-conditioned me to be more sensitive to the jump scares and all the freaky shit that happened in the movie – so 13 years ago, I was definitely spooked.

Realistically though, I feel if I watched it again now at 25 I'd probably find some of the effects more comedic than scary, BUT one thing I'll never get over are *those* demonic images that pop up like three times across the movie. Regardless of how old I get I feel like I'll always look away from those lol.

Name a few historical figures you find interesting. Why? I recently learned about Herbert K. Pililaau, the US soldier who fought off Korean soldiers on his own while the rest of his crew? platoon? (idk terms) had been assigned somewhere else at the time. Fucking dude kept firing until he was out of ammunition; then switched to grenades; then when he ran out of those too, ended up with knife in one hand, fist in the other to fight the best and longest he could before he was finished off; when he was found, he was surrounded by more or less 40 soldiers he managed to kill. Obviously I don't support war and this is a shitty story all around, but this scenario is straight out of a movie.

What is your favorite historical film and why? Gone with the Wind. I have yet to understand the complexities and deeper contexts behind the Civil War and all other questions related toit; and when I say it's my favorite it's largely because of the production value and how unprecedented such a movie was to have come out at the time it did.

Do you usually enjoy historical films? Yes, as long as they don't extremely deviate from or betray things that actually happened, especially if we're covering atrocities or human right violations.

Name a sequel film (any franchise) you like better than the first film. Why is that? Shrek 2. It's the Shrek movie I grew up with so I'll always be biased towards it.

Which do you find most interesting: Greek, Roman, or Norse mythology? Why? Eugh, I really dislike mythology haha.

Which tale from whichever mythology you listed above do you find most interesting? I read Percy Jackson and that's the most I'll read as far as mythology.

Do you collect anything? What was the last item you added to that collection? Just BTS merch. Last things that arrived were my copies of D-Day and Face, but I'm expecting my orders of Jack in the Box and Layover to arrive October latest.

Do you have any houseplants? We do, but it's my mom who takes care of them.

How do you like your tea? As coffee.

Who is your favorite Muppet? Wasn't really raised on Muppets.

What is your favorite type of bird? Penguins. < Yes.

Which streaming platform do you use the most, if any? Spotify.

What is a skill or useful piece of knowledge you wish you’d learned sooner? How to pack smart.

What is your favorite vampire movie? TWILIGHT SAGA ALWAYS AND FOREVER

Your favorite fictional couple? Chandler and Monica from Friends; Glenn and Maggie from The Walking Dead; Mark and Joanna from Two for the Road.

Do you have a favorite historical couple? Not really, no.

Have you received any good news recently? Nah.

Have you learned anything new recently? I took the 16 personalities test earlier for my ~annual check-in and found out I've switched from an ESFJ to an ESTJ. No big change other than the fact that I apparently think more with my head now hah.

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skinni-girls-eat-books · 16 days

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Saturday, April 13th, 2024!

8:19pm: Had a quick exchange with him again. Nothing has changed and I don't want to be obsessed with his socials again tbh. I still don't really get the whole "I'm so busy" thing when that was his #1 complaint with me. Like I actually don't understand, being busy is not a flex tbh. Being on your grind is 100% a flex but that goes with work hard play hard. Just saying you're busy makes you sound like an ass 😂 whatever I don't understand anything about him anymore.

I don't want to see his socials anymore because 1) it's all fake af. 2) it makes me wonder why he couldn't change for me, but in REALITY (the real world where I reside) he hasn't changed, his life got 100x easier. No rent, a more basic bitch that doesn't expect anything from him and is weird, and free weed, everyone giving him a ride everywhere (he doesn't even have to drive ever wtf), and everyone just treats him like a spoiled child. Yes..... I'm sure it IS easy to have an emergency fund when you live with your parents for free..... Wtf do you even need an emergency fund for? Wtf kind of emergency are you having, you run out of gas (omg wait he doesn't even drive so what am I talking about) scratch that.... The only emergencies I had living with my parents had to do with my car like..... Jesus I wish that was the fucking case nowadays 💀 Omg why am I even comparing the two of us. I feel like I just snapped back to reality, this guy is still acting like a high schooler. We are literally not able to be compared anymore. I really don't give myself enough credit for doing this shit on my own (really) for 6 months. Let's see your emergency savings after that, dumbass. Stfu. I'm not trying to be mean but we are not the same. I'm about to be done grinding, I've grinded for 7 yrs I'm tired AF. I'll say it again being busy is not a flex.

11:25pm: Ugh he just pisses me off because he's a fucking liar. You can reach me anytime my ass why does he keep saying that when it's not true. What a fuck up. I hate him

2:47am: Well I was on the phone with him for three hours oops probably just fucked up my karma big time. Ugh I need this semester to enddddd. Too much sitting around time, not enough leaving the house to meet new ppl time :/ likeeee I've said a million times and need to remind myself, I don't want to be the reason they break up. Also he said he's planning on moving out with her in 4 months so September? Damn they would've been together a whole year. He said it only feels like it's been a month for him and literally his stuff is still packed up in boxes like wtf. I guess that'll just make it easier to move. Well good for him he sounds like he's really on track for a good life. Idk literally whenever I ask him about her, it's never like super positive. Maybe he just likes that he constantly has something to complain about? I have no idea. He said she's clingy, but sometimes it's too much. And he always says it's ups and downs with them. He sounds like he's really changed, but he says he can't go through breaking another person's heart. Maybe he knows I'm bullshitting him. He also says he is just too embarrassed to get back together with me and have to see my family again, etc. Sounds like he's making the best out of a fucked up situation tbh. During the call, I kept calling him out whenever he would say things that were literally stringing me along, because he didn't know what I was talking about when I mentioned it. He didn't realize how much he was leading me on with the things he's saying until I very clearly pointed it out. All that stuff I texted him must've actually done something too, because it's stuck with him about disrespecting his gf.

Long story short...... I think he's actually gonna change for her if I leave him alone lol. He just gets to live with the fact that he fucked up being with me forever. Making the best of his shit situation. Tbh those antidepressants probably made a huge impact. Glad he got the help he needed. Idk man I guess he's done with me now, he seems pretty done, except for the part where he pulled his dick out again and told me he wanted to stick his dick in my mouth. But whatever.

Actually the part that hurt me the most was when he said she's been his best friend for two years like... The worst part for him was me telling him I let a guy play with my boobs over spring break and one tiny tear rolled down his cheek. Plus I ended up lying since he asked me if someone had been in our bed and I told him no because I could tell that would've really upset him. I think he would've hung up. Also couldn't tell him that yeah someone else had met the cats and pet them. I said what are you gonna do and he .... Clearly isn't going to do anything. Lame.

Longer story short: I need to stop butting in to this mess ig. Makes my stomach hurt tbh. Too much studying today made my brain go crazy. I'm really frazzled tbh. Honestly kinda pissed off all I wanted him to do was help me with the bills and now he's magically able to save $500 a week somehow. Jesus Christ wtf was he spending it on before. I'll never know. Makes me sick to my stomach actually. And it's not magic, it's what he should've been able to do all along, he just wanted to be a little bitch before.

This has stirred up a lot of emotions that I kind of hate. He can't control himself around me fucking bullshit I don't get it. So much of him sounds good but then he does something icky like that. Idk anymore. I'm tired and talking to him has actually just made things worse, not better. End of story.

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mspaintp7ague · 1 month

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quite thankful i dont have a lot of dysphoria cause my mom thinks hrt will give me heart problems or some shite 😐 like bitch please you do realize cis men just have that much t and don't go around dropping dead right

my doctor is chill on the whole thing she's just bein weird. there's a trans health center pretty close to us but nooo she doesn't want to go there and check out the actual medical resources and opinions on the matter. oh and she's also antivax but just for the covid vaccine. yes i am still not vaxxed for covid fml

tldr. im gonna be Busy after i turn 18

fr tho she really is just being stupid. i don't ever want children so idgaf about losing my fertility. idgaf if it would actually kill me tbh the world is going to shit anyway and i doubt i'm gonna amount to anything. thing is literally no one thinks hrt kills you. she needs to get off chinese 4chan fr

she lets me do what i want for the most part but is annoyingly stupid about certain things. yeah i don't like the government either but the vaccine that millions of people have taken is not going to give me cancer in ten years. she fr thinks people will start dropping dead eventually and "we just need to wait to see the long term effects" the mrna is reabsorbed in like. three weeks. how do you have this little critical thinking / trust in science

and she thinks men and women genuinely have biological differences to the point that gendered razors are actually important and you need a dick to wear boxers. fuck off mom let me buy some swim trunks. the razors i could care less about tbh cause she pays for them but still

ughh. kinda glad i'll probably commute to college cause rooming with someone would probably get awkward in several ways.

she also doesn't seem to believe in mental illness. which. while im self diagnosing and mostly guessing at what's wrong with me i am about 100% certain i have trichotillomania (hair pulling compulsion) because. yknow i fucking do that and have a giant bald patch on my head. and she will just be like "why don't you just stop?" and "use some self control" etc. recently i've decided to just stop showing her my hair (i wear a hat a lot) because it really just makes me feel worse and it's not her fucking business. she keeps asking anyway but i'm just gonna keep telling her no until it grows back. she literally can't do anything to help and only makes me feel worse about it

another thing i'm less sure about is the possible cyclothymia / mild bipolar i may have. i mentioned it to her and she thinks it's just mood swings, which, it might be, but this has been happening for a long time. so much in fact that i've projected it onto my ocs. plague as a character started off as a 'normal' mask of myself but gb (who was based off my irl appearance but. whiter) had two characterizations that i swapped between inconsistently. can u guess what they were. yeah. depressed/apathetic and extremely manic, deranged even. looking back i see the patterns of depression and extreme interest in media/characters/other stuff i've had. even if i would hide it irl i'd have weeks where i stayed up until 3 or 4 multiple days in a row just because i couldn't stop playing a game or reading or i just had this amazing idea and i have to write/draw it right now or i will explode. sleep is for the weak. etc. and then i'll have weeks where i can't look any of my teachers in the eye and am too tired of caring to shower or do laundry or anything beyond the bare minimum chores and wake up in the morning skip breakfast and walk to the bus stop contemplating if it's worth it to still be alive. at least when i'm excited i'll do essential stuff just so i can get back to the fixation again. it's so fucking stupid. "yeah sorry i havent worked on my essay in six weeks because i was too busy doing random shit and/or thinking about dying but was too pussy to actually do anything sorry"

that and the anxiety spirals. those were pretty bad for a while. like. someone told me they wanted to play games with me and i said yes. then they didn't reply for forty minutes and i just. kept thinking i did something wrong or misunderstood their message or otherwise fucked up but turns out they just forgot they messaged me. haha. yeah totally normal reaction there plague.

i can't tell if there's something seriously wrong with me or not but i don't want to tell my therapist about it because i don't want to get institutionalized or something. and my mom is anti medication too. yippee. maybe it's too much to hope some drug will make me stop having days where i can't fucking do anything for literally no reason but i don't know how to fix myself otherwise.

oh and i mentioned to my mom very vaguely a time where i overshared some suicidal thoughts and proceeded to spiral for like 5 hours straight over getting no response and ultimately dipped from a friend group for a while and now she wants to know the details. i literally told you i didn't even tell my therapist the whole story what gives you the right to know? huh?

i don't know if i'm normal. i feel like i'm not but i might just be overreacting and being edgy. i also have definitely have experienced impostor syndrome about several things in the past so i clearly can't trust my own judgement on either thing.

i also don't think i love my family. they don't really matter that much to me anymore. i think i felt something for them when i was younger but it's just not there anymore. my mom simply does not understand a lot of things and i think i see her on the same level as a friend, maybe. we talk and spend time civilly but there is nothing deeper there on my end. i've tried explaining it to her but i don't think she gets it. i really feel nothing more for her than for my school friends.

my siblings i've never been very close to anyway. i don't feel like i can talk to either of them about much anymore. with brother i can sometimes but i only reference certain stuff through jokes. yeah look at this funny stan blog i made for this vtuber that i've been thinking about nonstop for the last two weeks because i can't tell the difference between a crush, admiration, gender envy and aesthetic appreciation of his avatar. i'm so silly and not mentally ill at all.

there's no one who's an appropriate audience for this huh. ok. mental illness blog it is

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camillewasthere · 2 months

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february 18

I made it back to my tumblr. I've been writing sporadically in different journals. But somehow I always find myself back here lol. I'm officially a single gal. Big wowzers. Honestly. I'm proud of myself for going through with it. I want to say that I regret not doing it earlier but I'm trying to be better about not regretting things. We were together almost 7 years but it honestly felt like 4. The pandemic really prolonged things. It's easy to go over all the things that could have been different if I did so and so earlier or took the other direction in the fork but none of that matters because this is now. All I can worry about is now. Not even worry, really. But think. Now is all I have.

My mental space has cleared a lot. But now it's consumed by other issues. I got a pap at my recent appointment with my new pcp and I officially need to get a leep procedure in April lol. Is it weird that i'm not even stressing. As much as it sucks, I'm glad that I caught it this early. Hopefully it's something that just goes away after that but who knows. What's the point in stressing about outcomes I have no control over currently. That's only semi-true. Technically I can boost my immune system to make myself less susceptible. I'll get there eventually. Right now, my head is one big jumble of things I need to do. Different roads I can take and which one sounds best. I'm so so so so torn right now. I love my dogs. I would never be able to just give them up. So I'm stuck. I'm trying to reframe my mindset though. Why do I feel stuck? Is it because I feel held down by them? What is my alternative? Being lonely but with more money. Is that better? It's hard to say. But I know they love me. They rely on me. Just like kids rely on their parents. I'm not fucking evil lol. So I need to be responsible and just figure it out. I know I will but the thought makes me anxious. The only way it would work and I would feel comfortable is if

1) I pick up one extra shift a week

2) I move to the bay area and make almost double what i'm making

3) Move to Hawaii

4) Find someone reliable to help me (aka a family member)

5) Find my dogs a step dad LOL

It's only been about three months since the breakup but it feels like it's been longer to be honest. 2023 literally felt like a year squeezed into a few months. Who the fuck was I even. I'm trying to find the person I used to be, but now with added wisdom lol. I don't feel old at all. But sometimes I see people a few years younger than me and think shit. I'm getting to the point where I'd be dating full ass adults. Like 35+ year olds. Fucking barf lol.

I just want to be youthful forever. This brings back the conversation about kids lol. Fuck kids honestly. I used to be so scared of the time constraint. But deciding in my head that it's okay if I don't have kids is liberating. Why have them. I have family. I have my sister and my brothers. And possibly a future husband/partner idfk.

I've been feeling very apathetic about it all, which is fine. I really enjoy focusing on myself. As uncomfortable as this has all been, it's also been beautiful. I'm learning a lot about myself and what I expect out of my life. I enjoy my own company, truly. We'll see where i'll be in my next update. As much as I love the idea of dating someone new, I also mentally can't imagine it lol. Lori and her boyfriend are trying to set me up with a close friend. Unfortunately for me, i'm the biggest fuckin creeper known to man and I stalked his profile pretty heavily LOL. As embarrassing as that is. Old Camille would act on impulse probably. Do things to force an outcome. New Camille is realizing that I'm worth more than that. I'm not going to be the person who obsesses first anymore. I want someone who wants me the way that I used to want other people. I deserve that for myself. Anything less than is just not worth my time anymore. I'm so tired of wasted time.

xx me

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kalisbaby · 4 months

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Speaking of things I taught myself, when my grandmother was in the hospital towards the end of her life, I bought like a $15 - $20 lap harp from Walmart because I wanted to play a song for her. And every day for HOURS I practiced on that thing until I got good enough to play it and...

And my older sister talked through my entire performance. She kept interrupting and talking about her shit. All I needed was three minutes and she couldn't give me that.

I was so hurt and angry. After my grandmother's passing I just threw the damn thing away. Idk if I would've kept learning and eventually gotten better but I just wanted to share something sweet with my grandma and my sister wouldn't give me that.

I legit have never forgiven her for that and I never will. Not that she cares. I've said before she's incapable of apologizing in general but ESPECIALLY to me.

See the thing about apologies, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with you other than being a simple expression of the most basic, like lowest fucking level, of respect. That's it. If you respect someone's personhood and/or humanity, you're able to swallow your pride and admit that you erred, wronged, or offended someone, again, on the most basic of levels. And my sister, being who she is, who she's ALWAYS been, has never ever apologized to me. Not genuinely.

I remember the last time I got the courage to talk to her about something she said that hurt me and it was as if I was talking to a wall. She spent more time explaining herself and not listening to what I was saying and I literally just broke down in tears. I think it was in that moment, after like 36 years, that I finally truly saw my older sister for who she was and I just... I just had to let her be. I truly do hope that she'll change but I can't guide my behavior by that hope. I have to go by what she's showing me. And so far she's shown me someone who doesn't see me as someone worthy enough to respect their boundaries, empathize with their pain, or show simply sympathy for their hurts. That her position as the eldest entitles her to a certain level of superiority that she'll never let go of for the sake of something as silly as our relationship. And honestly? What an asinine reason to lose me.

My younger sister and I are still estranged. We spoke briefly yesterday and this afternoon but I don't know anything about her personal life really; and I have no intention of sharing mine with her. I do miss her though. Sometimes. But that longing is not enough.

I feel like I be begging my family for love and, after 37 years, I'm tired. Either they'll give it to me freely or they won't. I'll continue to love them in truth but I can't and won't keep sacrificing parts of myself to do that. What good am I to myself if I've mutilated myself into scraps??? What good am I if I must always nurse my tender heart because the ones who were supposed to take care of it was careless??? What good am I to me if I don't take care of ME?

I love hard and I'll always love hard. That's who I am. But that doesn't have to come at s sacrifice to me. I deserved to be loved hard by myself. Turn that same energy back onto me. It's not limited so I can give it to others and myself, so I won't be closing off my heart. But I won't stay begging for people to love me. It's time to get up off my knees, to pick myself up off the floor. Maybe I'll buy another lap harp.

#i speak #personal shit

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fizzingwizard · 9 months

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I had a shitty day yesterday, and a great day today. And if you asked me beforehand, I would have said I expected it to be the opposite. (just work stuff)

Yesterday a kid had a bad tantrum, and my boss, instead of helping how I would have liked (by taking care of my other kids who were not screaming their heads off), instead helped by taking away the tantrum student. It may be that she really thought she was helping. But in my opinion, she undercut my authority and left me and my student not having closure with each other. This student is very bright, but has a three-year-old's sense of injustice. When she's upset, she melts down completely and she needs a calm but firm manner, and most of all time, to be able to settle down. What she doesn't need is to be passed around and cooed over and babied. She was not being hurt, she was not getting yelled at, no one lost their temper, she was not being prevented from having something it was reasonable for her to have.

(I mention because another time my boss stepped in when our most defiant kid was taken aside for spitting at other kids over and over, and she laughed and played with him until he started to spit at her too. Then she gave him back to me and said, "Oh, I thought maybe he had something in his mouth and that's why he wa spitting, but I guess not." Look, if he had something in his mouth we would have known. First of all, this is happening at lunch time! Second of all, this is totally normal behavior for this kid. We are trying to teach him how to control his impulses, not reward them! I can see how she thought she was helping, but she's only helping in a world where the classroom teachers are incompetent...)

Anyway, the tantrum student was perfectly happy after the fact, like she always is. Her violence is mostly an act to get what she wants. It is totally normal behavior for a strong-willed three-year-old and I've been handling it regularly all year. I didn't need help. And I don't like that I didn't get to hug and reassure my student myself when she was upset. I especially don't like not knowing why my boss decided to get involved. Whether she really thought she was helping, even when I told her straight that I wanted to handle this myself, or if she didn't like how I was handling it, or has some other issue with me that she hasn't bothered to tell me about. I literally just had an observation where a leader spent the day in my class, and she wrote about how wonderful and professional I am. Not to toot my own horn, but I care about my kids, and I wouldn't run my classroom indifferently. So if my boss has an issue with me I'll be surprised, but I'd rather she tell me what it is than just interfere whenever she feels like it. Of course, she may have simply meant to help and not realized that she wasn't, even though I told her so...

So I was upset pretty much all night. In fact, I felt so bad that I almost thought I was having a little adult tantrum of my own, lol. It occurred to me that maybe PMS played a role. But like always when it comes to hormones, you can only guess and you have no proof except a "feeling," which might as well be an excuse. So I got no relief from that either and just hated myself all night.

Then, today! I wake up. Got my period. Woohoo! Already thinking it'll be another shitty day. I'll have cramps and pain, but still have to whiz around like usual, and deal with the meltdowns while being extra tired and sore. I did have some ibuprofen, which took the edge off. And then, somehow, the day went really well. I was a little uncomfortable, but far from the worst it's ever been, and my kids were weirdly well behaved today. The defiant kid was an angel compared to how he often is, lol. And the tantrum kid - I discussed with my coworkers some suggestions I wanted to give her mom, to deal with what triggered the tantrum, but I was very pleased to see that her mom had already thought of it herself and was doing it when I arrived in the classroom. And the student, I felt, was trying hard in the way of a three-year-old to patch things up with me. It was me she wanted to talk to when the same situation came up again today, and she was able to be as calm with me as I was with her. Instead of flying into a panic, she came to me for direction, let me comfort her how I was able, and in the end everything went perfectly fine.

I also did an activity with the kids which I almost put off because of not feeling up to all that was involved. But I pushed myself and it ended up being a lot of fun. Between the overworking and understaffing, I've been struggling so much this year to plan the same variety of activities for my kids. Everything we do has to be either 1) something we're required to do for their growth (like worksheets or crafts with specific directions), or 2) something easy because I haven't had any time to prep more. While those things are fine, at 2-3 years old, there should be a lot more free-style process art where the kids can explore new and interesting materials. But I'm overwhelmed with the required crafts, and too busy to gather enough of the materials. It was easier when I had smaller classes, but now I need at least twenty of everything. The class budget doesn't even cover it all sometimes.

So I felt we desperately needed to have fun with art and with the world. That's always been the most important part of my activity time to me. It's just been so freaking impossible this year. But I did it today - well, despite my horrible mood, I started prepping it yesterday, and that enabled me to finish it today so the kids could enjoy it. It felt so good. It was like, finally, an age appropriate activity. Like yeah I know, all the parents won't be impressed, they just want to know whether their kid can trace the ABCs with a pencil and sight read yet. Your kids are two and three years old, chill out.

So period didn't bother me, the kids were behaving, we had a lot of fun the way I like to have fun, and I handled every classroom disturbance that did happen my way, with no issues and no interference. Then I went to Saizeriya for dinner and got to be as ridiculously happy as ever about how cheap it is. The food is very average, but I mean, it's still tasty, and it is soooooo cheap. A steak for under 1000 yen. Most everything else is under 500 yen. Convenience stores are more expensive these days! And a glass of red wine for 100 yen including tax. It's cheap and it tastes so, but it hits the spot, lol. Also you can get extra parmesan cheese (they used to give extra pecorino which I miss), which is a thing even Italian restaurants here often don't bother with.

It's always nice to be reminded that you never know what's going to happen from one day to another. I didn't really consider calling in today when I woke up with cramps, because ibuprofen usually is enough to get me through. But I remember wishing I could, lol. Because I just expected it to be nuts. And it was a great day. So glad that I went in, haha.

#fizz's life #work

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deadbydad · 1 year

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Taking a break (but not really)

Hi everyone!

I know that I have not been posting/uploading chapters or fanfics lately and I want to but I just can't as much as I want to.

I will be taking a break from writing, but not from posting random stuff on my blog.

My mental health these past three months has not been great and it has gotten worse these past two weeks due to something happening to me.

My depression has gotten so bad to the point where I wake up wishing I didn't, that I didn't matter to this world, and that I am just a waste. School is stressing me out more than it has ever in along time, I don't have any friends at school, and I literally have a hate club there which I think is kind of funny when they aren't harassing me.

There is a guy at school going around school telling everyone that we did the do, we didn't, and the principal is doing nothing about it even though I have shown here proof and even the teachers have told her about the situation. She doesn't do fucking shit and hasn't for the past three years and the teachers and staff are tired of it. Really says something.

My dad, who I haven't seen in person for three years, was supposed to come down here for my brothers graduation, my grandma offered to pay for his ticket, but he decided his fucking kids were less important than his wife who called me a slut when I was fucking fifteen. I would like to see him at some point again in my fucking life but apparently fuck us his wife is more important.

I'm just so fucking tired everyday, I'm in constant pain due to cramps and I'm bleeding for three months straight now, I'm having trouble sleeping but also going to bed at five as soon as I get home from school. I keep having nightmares and waking up screaming. I've had five panic attacks over the last week. I haven't been drinking or eating barely anything and when I do I throw it all up.

When will it fucking end? I just want it to stop, want the pain and emptiness to just leave me alone, want people to notice that I'm not fucking okay but I don't ask for help because I'm scared that I'll just be in their way and I don't like doing or feeling like that. I don't even remember the last time I took care of myself because I feel like I don't deserve that! I don't deserve the care and kindness you all show me, the support you guys give me, and I feel like I'm just wasting everyone's time.

I want it to stop, I want to be happy again and not be faking it with a smile, I want to be able to wake up with a smile and actual fucking energy, I want to be able to ask for help and to be able to make jokes like I usually would. But I can't and it fucking sucks and it hurts me.

Just stop, please, I want everything to be normal like it was. Want my dad back, my abandonment issues to leave, to find guys that aren't complete assholes. But I can't have anything nice because fuck me!

This sucks....

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seafoamchild · 2 years

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it feels like everything is falling apart but maybe for the best. i've outgrown so many of my friends. i feel i'm always the one reaching out to people and it isn't reciprocated. i've questioned the value of many of my friendships and a lot of them do not feel fulfilling. and i know that's okay. but i feel like i'm so lost and alone again. like i don't have a community here. i know a lot of people but i feel detached from all of them. what is friendship supposed to feel like at this point? i'm not sure. my circle has dwindled down to so few people and sometimes i wish i had a group of best friends like they do in the TV shows. does that happen in real life? i feel like my friends are so scattered.

and once again romantic relationships are not working out for me. i've already had two failed attempts this year. i feel proud of myself for ending them both when they needed to end instead of trying to hang on. but it's still painful to try and move on when you've shared so many moments with someone you care about. honestly things were going so much better when i wasn't dating anyone for almost three years. but i crave a close connection. i want to feel wanted. i want to feel attracted to someone. i want to feel cared for. i know that no one is going to be completely perfect for me, but everyone i've had so far has had some glaring incompatibility issue with me that i can't ignore. like with both austin and luke my body knew it was wrong, so much so that i felt sick with anxiety until i finally cut off the relationship. so i think it's not a matter of working through problems, it's just that i keep finding people who are fundamentally wrong for me somehow. and it feels like i'll never find someone who is right, because i've felt that same anxiety sickness with every single person i've dated. it sucks.

and i don't have a job. i'm trying. i've put a lot of hours into making myself marketable. and i'm applying to places and trying to network. i wish something could happen overnight but i know it won't. i feel so anxious waiting around for someone, anyone, to get back to me. i don't know what to expect. will it take a week? a month? three months? am i doing everything wrong? am i a joke of a job candidate? everyone keeps telling me it will be fine and i'll have no trouble and i'm so valuable and i have so much to offer, but i'm having a tough time believing any of that because i feel SO stuck and alone and isolated and useless and stagnant and detached. i feel like i could disappear tomorrow and it wouldn't matter because i don't belong anywhere.

i don't even have the desire to travel or do random fun shit anymore. i want security and routine. i want to feel like i'm a part of something else. going on trips won't make me happy at this point, i don't think. up until now i have been so terrified of getting a "real job" because i was so against the idea of giving up my independence and freedom. but i feel different now. i want to wake up in the morning with somewhere to be. i don't want to feel so alone. right now i kind of feel like i want to die and be done with this. because i've been here before - in limbo, unsure of everything, feeling so far behind everyone else my age, like i'm too late and i haven't grown professionally and i haven't found a solid friend group and i haven't found a place of belonging in any sense and i just continue to flit from one place to the next. it's exhausting and destabilizing and frankly excruciating at times and i'm so tired of feeling this way over and over again. my anxiety has been so bad all year and it's debilitating and when i tried going on meds, i literally wanted to kill myself from being so depressed so i don't really want to try more meds in case something like that happens again.

i know this will pass and hopefully i'll read this in a few months and be able to see how far i've come. but everything feels so hard right now and i keep trying and trying and can't seem to catch a break. this whole year has seriously been so painful. i was in a relationship with someone i was insanely attracted to but hated the way he treated me. and then i was in a relationship with someone who treated me so wonderfully but i wasn't attracted to him. and my car got stolen and i dropped my phone off a roller coaster and i fell off my bike and scratched a brand new lexus and then the owner of the lexus tried to get me to pay two thousand dollars to fix his fucking car. and i had to deal with recurring UTIs again and i've been to so many doctors and no one can seem to give me any solutions and i feel like i'll just keep getting UTIs forever and they're so painful and people who don't have this issue can't understand how painful and frustrating they are and how frustrating it is to not get answers. and i got ghosted by the company i was an intern for and then i got a side gig and got ghosted again. i just want something to go right for me. like please

#journal

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depresseddepot · 3 years

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#trying my hardest to not have a breakdown at 2:42 am after three hours of trying my hardest to distract myself :o)#i have a meeting on monday to work out the details about this adult programming craft kit think im supposed to be spearheading but #ive already refused twice to make videos outside of work (i dont have time) and im worried this is just another ploy to get me to make them #ive tried so hard the past few months to space out my homework and be easier on myself so i had time to decompress and relax #and im worried agreeing to it will fuck everything up #i don't have enough time during work to do all the shit needed for a program like i work the fucking DESK #i dont have a place to store things or my own computer or any connections like??why are they so desperate to have ME do this #but i also can't really say no because ive been here for almost 3 years now and it is time i have my own project #but im the throwaway desk lady which means i literally have every project nobody else wants to do #i double check the account cards and i double check the item catalog cards AND i FILE the catalog cards #and the lady that did cards before me didn't do them for like 4 months so ive still got a lot to catch up on #and now i have to weasel buying materials and making fliers and making instructions for a craft kit every month?#im so tired but i have to walk myself through whatever im so fucking worried about or ill never get to sleep #i think i just have to tell them that we shouldn't advertise it as something monthly because i can't guarantee I'll always have time for it #see this is such a fucking slippery slope though because if i agree to do this (tho they arent really giving me a choice)#I'll essentially BECOME the adult services librarian #we only have a youth librarian right now and we've been looking for an adult one who 'has experience in archiving'#and im majoring in history and my boss said it himself that he would hire ME if i had the credentials #but he's going to be at the meeting too so like???#i agree to do this and then three months from now they want me to arrange author visits or an in-house movie night #and none of this would be that bad IF THEY WOULD JUST GIVE ME A FUCKING DESK #they're saving the empty desk for the eventual adult librarian but where am i supposed to put my fucking stuff? by the printers?#all i have is desk time meaning i am at the front desk every second in at work. i cant plan a craft kit while also doing all my other shit #AND HELPING PATRONS #front desk also answers the phone so like??? it rings every ten seconds these days what the hell do you expect from me #'u can come in like an hour early or stay an hour late if u need to :o)' and do what. daydream about the craft kits?#my only computer is the front desk computer what the hell do u mean come in early #the way shit is done around here is so inefficient im so fucking tired #also two other people are leaving in the coming year which means ill have to also do book repair AND mel???? im fucking 19 #im not some seasoned pro at interlibrary communication i work the fucking circulation desk

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sirenascales · 3 years

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-> double black [part one] 18+

-> Chuuya x 1stPov!F!Reader x Dazai

-> Who knew getting fired from work could lead to this?

-> Content: SMUT, slight angst, violence, murder, swearing

A night out drinking leads to a small misunderstanding with a handsome, yet dangerous man. [Chuuya x 1stPOV!F!Reader]

3,894 words

note: edited this so it could still be read as a reader fic! it's actually a lot of fun writing in first person! hope those who read this enjoy my first bsd fic!

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six | Final || masterlist

I've experienced a lot of amazing things since I've moved to Japan. A new job in a different country, new co-workers and friends, work parties, themed bars, cafes, and hookups with pretty strangers. There was a long list of great things I've had going on, and a long list of things I've never expected... and being fired from the job I had for a year was not one of them.

"A year of hard work... for nothing," I mumbled bitterly as I sat at the bar with my close friend, and now ex-coworker, Keiko. She was beautiful, with long black hair and brown eyes. She frowned, a sympathetic look on her pretty face as she sighed.

"I'm so sorry," she said softly, giving my shoulder a squeeze. "I'm sure you'll find something else soon! You have an awesome resume, and you're an amazing worker who can speak English, Japanese AND Spanish... there is totally a place for you out there!"

Keiko has always been supportive and enthusiastic, a really bright and friendly girl who made it her mission to befriend me as soon as I started working with her. She was relentless, and soon enough, I found myself spending many hours with the woman.

"Yeah..." I just mumbled again and she laughed softly.

"It's okay to mope... that's why I brought you here!"

"Yeah, about that," I started, sending Keiko a look as I swiveled the stool so my body faced her. "Why did you bring me here?" As soon as the work day was done, Keiko immediately dragged me to what was clearly a mafia bar. That didn't surprise me, since she was actually dating a mafioso.

A mafioso, who was part of the Port Mafia. It wasn't long after I moved to Yokohama that I started to hear stories about the organization, and was also warned not to cross them. Of course, with my luck, I became best friends with someone who dated someone who was in the Port Mafia. How a sweet girl like Keiko ended up with a man like him, I'll never know.

What I do know is that Taichi adored Keiko, gave her everything she could possibly want and need with the money he makes, and that was just being a normal grunt! Even so, it was dangerous, but Keiko didn't seem to mind.

"I come here with Taichi all the time," Keiko answered, sipping her drink. I turned to sip on my own. "You can't tell me it isn't luxurious." It was. My jaw had dropped to the floor when we first stepped into the very luxurious bar. "Don't worry about it, okay? Drink your sadness away! You're safe here. Since I am Taichi's woman, and you're with me, nothing will happen, okay?"

"Where is Taichi anyway?" I asked, glancing over her shoulder when I spotted a group of men walking in through the entrance. I missed the way the light left Keiko's eyes, chewing on her bottom lip anxiously. My eyes were on the men, which in the middle was a man with orange hair, a black hat adorning his head. I felt my breath hitch in my throat, my eyes looking at the very handsome man up and down. I swallowed thickly.

"He had a job tonight and couldn't make it. He'll be home to- hey, what are you looking at?" Annoyed at me ignoring her, she turned in her seat, a shocked look on her face before she smiled tightly.

"Taichi! I thought you had an assignment!"

"Hey, babe! We finished early, which was quite surprising, honestly."

The couple embraced and I barely registered the mushy love between the two as I watched the ginger man lead the rest of the group further into the bar. He walked by me, and before I knew it, dark blue eyes were staring right at me, eyebrows furrowed.

"The hell are you looking at?" he sneered and my face turned red, heart dropping in my chest.

"No one! I'm sorry!" I exclaimed, quickly turning back around and facing the bar.

"Tch. Whatever," the man only responded before walking off.

"You look like a cherry," Taichi said, clearly amused. I sent him a half-hearted glare, Keiko slapping his chest lightly.

"Be nice to her. She got fired today."

"Ohh, that sucks. If you need help-"

"She won't take it," Keiko said with a huff. "Stubborn ass."

I rolled my eyes at her, biting my lip nervously as I fiddled with my glass. "So uh... who was that guy? With the hat?"

Taichi blinked. "Oh, that's Chuuya Nakahara."

"Is he part of the Port Mafia?"

Taichi barked out a laugh, Keiko giggling softly behind her hand.

"Baby... he's an executive. Chuuya works closely with the leader of the Port Mafia."

"And I work under Chuuya," Taichi finished, amused at how wide my eyes have gotten at the answer.

"You mean to tell me... I pissed off... an executive member..." I was dismayed, heart pounding in my chest.

"Hmm, probably. Don't go home alone tonight," Taichi grinned as I balked, clearly having fun torturing me.

"Taichi! Babe, don't listen to him."

I gulped nervously, downing the rest of my drink before signaling to the bartender to get me another one.. "R-right..." Despite my better judgment, I turned my head, looking towards the obvious VIP section of the bar. Chuuya sat with some other grunts, a glass of what seemed to be red wine in his hand. Of course, his eyes found mines yet again and I whipped my head back around. Fuck, I did it again! I quickly downed the newly made drink, unaware of Chuuya's eyes narrowing as he watched me.

"Nooo, do you have to go?" a drunk Keiko whined as she latched onto my arm, a forever amused Taichi watching on. "Don't leave me with hiiiiiiim."

"I want to go home, dammit," I huffed, successfully peeling her off of me and handing her to her boyfriend. "I have to start job hunting tomorrow. Thank you for bringing me here, I do feel better and I love you but... I'm tired."

"Ugh, you are such an old lady!" Keiko whined again and I couldn't help but laugh, turning to start walking towards the exit.

"Goodnight, you too. Please get her home safe, Taichi."

"I wouldn't count on it~"

I rolled my eyes at his teasing, leaving the two behind as I left the bar. I stepped out into the cool night air, shivering a bit as I closed my cardigan tightly around me. I wore a simple but cute outfit; a black dress with burgundy tights underneath, black flats on my feet and my favorite tan cardigan over the entire outfit. It helped me fight off a bit of the cold, but as I started to walk down the block, I grabbed my phone to start searching through my usual rideshare app.

I didn't get far. My phone cluttered to the ground as it fell out my hands, a gasp leaving my mouth as I was slammed against the nearby brickwall of a narrow, dark alleyway.

"Who the fuck are you?" a familiar voice hissed and I'm shocked to find Chuuya Nakahara glaring daggers at me, his strong hands pinning my arms against the wall. He growled when I didn't answer. "Answer me! Who sent you here?!"

"N-No one!" I cried out, shaking like a leaf. Of course, of course I would be confronted by a fucking high level member of one of the most dangerous organizations in Japan. "I swear, I just came here with my friend."

Chuuya growled again and he flipped me around, pressing my front against the wall. "Stay still," he grunted, and my face started to heat up as I felt his gloved hands quickly feel along my body. He was frisking me, and I gulped when he shoved his hand under my dress, producing the knife I had strapped to my thigh.

"I carry that to protect myself," I immediately explained, Chuuya turning me around again to face him. His eyes were still narrowed, staring me down as if trying to figure out what the hell I was up to.

"And the bouncer didn't pat you down?" he questioned and I shook my head quickly.

"No, he didn't pat me or Keiko down."

"Tch, that's Taichi's woman," he said, though he still looked at me with narrow eyes, hesitating a bit before he turned my knife in his hand, handing it back to me hilt first. "You sure know how to make yourself look suspicious."

I cringed a bit as I strapped my knife to my thigh strap again. I missed how Chuuya's eyes lingered, him licking his lips. "That's my fault I... I know I was staring..." I could feel my face heat up again and I couldn't even look Chuuya in his face. "S-sorry if I creeped you out. I don't mean any harm. Keiko brought me here 'cause I got fired and she wanted to help me feel better..."

"Hm," was his only reply, crossing his arms over his chest. "What you do to fuck up?"

My mouth fell and I sputtered as I tried to come up with the words. "What do you mean?! I didn't fuck up!" I protested. "It literally came out of nowhere! I worked my ass off all year, only to get fired 'cause I wasn't what they needed anymore. Fucking bullshit."

Chuuya was amused by my little vent, snickering a bit as he gave me a quick look up and down. "I'm sure it wasn't your winning personality."

I scoffed. "Says the one that shoved a random woman against a wall?! That hurt, you bastard!"

Chuuya raised his eyebrows at me, and I immediately slapped my hands over my mouth.

Oh no. Fuck, I forgot who I was talking to.

Chuuya snickered again, his eyes flashing in amusement. He stepped closer to me, making me press back against the wall again. Chuuya leaned his face close to mine, a smug smirk on his face as he spoke.

"Be careful who you talk to like that," he hummed, and I shivered despite feeling some of his body heat. "Someone might just cut out your tongue for talking back like that. Me? Well, it'd be a waste, especially when I think of all the things I could make you do with it."

I squeaked, the heat never leaving my face as I stared at Chuuya with a puzzled expression on my face. The sudden switch up was giving me whiplash... and lowkey turning me on. "I..." I stuttered, looking away and finally noticing my phone still on the ground. "Crap, I hope it's not broken."

I rushed over to pick my phone up, ignoring Chuuya's hard stare on me. I looked over my phone, sighing in relief when I saw that it had sustained no damages.

Chuuya then stepped up to me, jerking his head back towards the bar before walking off. "Let me take you home. Take that as an apology for being so rough on you."

I blinked. "Um..."

"Hurry up!"

"Okay!" I squeaked and followed after the man quickly, chewing on my lip as I asked myself... what the fuck was I doing? Am I really about to get inside this man's car? He was a stranger! Who frisked me! Let alone, he is clearly a dangerous man.

I must be insane.

"Tell me," Chuuya started and I was dumbfounded as he approached a rather cool looking motorcycle. No way. "What the hell were you being so creepy for?" He turned to me and asked, an all-knowing smirk on his face. I blushed deeply. Of course, he already was able to figure it out once he realized that I wasn't a threat.

"No reason," I huffed out, earning a low laugh as Chuuya grabbed the only helmet I could see. I looked at him confused, gasping when he unceremoniously placed the helmet over my head. "What about you?"

"I don't need it," Chuuya simply answered before he finally mounted his bike. "Come on, you little liar. Hop on."

I couldn't help but stare, my mouth going dry as I took in the image of this handsome bastard with his bike. The engine roared as he turned it on, revving it a bit and making me make a mess in my panties.

"Hey, ya done eyefucking me, dollface?"

I sputtered. "I was NOT eyefucking you!" I stormed over to the bike, glaring at the grinning bastard as I climbed onto the bike behind him.

Chuuya snorted. "Yeah, like you weren't eyefucking me earlier in the bar," he retorted, easily reaching behind him to grab my wrists, pulling me against his back as he wrapped my arms around him. I was stunned silent, from his words, and his actions and the fact that his back felt so solid.... and he smelled so good...

"I was not..." I mumbled, pressing my cheek against his back. "Shut the fuck up."

He laughed darkly, and that sent a shiver down my spine.

"Where do you live?" Chuuya asked and I hesitantly told him my address. "I know where that is. Hold on."

"You do? It's on the other side of the city," I said and Chuuya just chuckled softly, looking over his shoulder and smirking at me.

"And who exactly runs this city?"

I clamped my mouth shut, his eyes staring into mine. I blushed and looked away from him. He turned his head back around with an amused laugh, the engine revving as he took off on his bike.

"Hold tight, dollface!"

He didn't have to tell me twice, my arms tightening around his torso as he sped down the street, weaving in and out of traffic. It was scary, but also so fucking exhilarating. My heart was thudding in my chest, my eyes watering because of the wind. Still, I kept them open, wanting to watch the world blur by us. Chuuya made a sharp, right turn, making me scream while he laughed loudly.

"Man up!" he yelled at me.

"Stop driving like a crazy person!" I yelled back.

I didn't see the large, almost evil smirk that grew on Chuuya's face. Didn't see him licking his lips excitedly as he eyed a rather tall building coming up ahead.

"Tell me, dollface," he hollered back at me, revving the engine and I gulped as I held him tighter, his bike going faster. A bad feeling started to settle in my stomach, balking when he asked his next question. "Do you want to defy gravity?"

I didn't have time to answer, not when I finally realized that we were heading right towards the side of the building. I couldn't even scream, fear striking me as I suddenly started to see red, body jostling as Chuuya maneuvered the bike to jump in the air.... before landing perfectly on the side of the building and continuing vertically up towards the sky.

"Don't let go!" Chuuya sneered. Like that was ever going to happen.

I didn't dare turn my head to look down, my wide eyes staring up into the night sky as we made it closer to the top of the building. I couldn't even think straight, my body just running on nothing but adrenaline and fear.

"Ch-Chuuya!" I gasped out sharply, the bike finally making it to the roof of the building. Chuuya didn't slow down though, only barreling towards the edge and I started to panic. "Chuuya! What are you doing?!"

Chuuya only snickered, revving the engine once more before sending the bike flying off the edge of the building. I squeak and screw my eyes shut, pressing my face against the middle of his back. I didn't want to watch us plummet to our doom.

"Hey, idiot, open your eyes."

I whimpered and shook my head. "N-No..."

Chuuya sucked his teeth. "Just open your eyes! You'll regret it if you don't."

Biting my lip, I wanted a moment before I lifted my head up and opened my eyes, a small gasp leaving my mouth as I looked around me.

We were still floating in the air, biking moving through the sky. The City of Yokohama was lit up beautifully underneath us. I looked over, seeing the ocean at a distance, the ferris wheel lit up and spinning slowly. My mouth had fallen open, eyes wide in wonder. Chuuya was looking back at me, a triumphant grin on his face.

We made it to my apartment and Chuuya stood over me, an amused smile on his face as he watched me melt on the ground after I got off his bike.

"That was intense..." I mumbled, still feeling the effects of flying through the fucking sky. "I shouldn't even be surprised that you're gifted, with the power that you have already in the Port Mafia."

"Yeah, it was pretty great, huh," Chuuya said smugly, gloved hands stuffed in his coat pockets. I laughed softly, slowly standing up with my shaky legs. He took one look at my frazzled state and he grew even more smug. "That's a cute look on you, though if I really had my way with you, you wouldn't even be able to stand."

My face turned hot, sputtering as I tried to respond, but I had nothing to even say. Because the thought of actually inviting Chuuya inside and--

"Fuck..." I breathed out softly, looking at the man standing before me. His eyes didn't leave mine, the heat in them making a shiver go down my spine. "Do you... want to come inside?"

Chuuya fixed his hat on top of his head. "Lead the way, dollface."

"So... your ability lets you control gravity?" I asked once we made it inside the elevator of my apartment building. We were going fifteen stories up, after Chuuya parked his bike safely, of course.

"To put it simply, yes," Chuuya answered, stepping closer to me. I gasped softly when he grabbed my chin, the leather of his glove pressing against my skin. "But we're not here to talk about that." He pressed himself against me fully, leaning his face in until his lips hovered just above mine. I shivered, looking at him with hooded eyes. "This will be a one time thing, dollface."

I nodded, appreciating his honesty. "Of course," I replied just as the elevator stopped on my floor, doors sliding open. I grinned at him. "So let's make it count."

He liked the sound of that, grabbing my wrist and leading me out the elevator. I rushed to my apartment, grabbing my keys and hurriedly unlocking the door before opening it.

The door slammed shut as Chuuya immediately pressed me against it, his lips on mine in a fervorous kiss. I knocked his hat off his head as I ran my fingers through Chuuya's hair, moaning when his hands started to roam all over my body.

"Fuck..." I moaned softly when Chuuya started to kiss down my neck, squealing when he squeezed on my ass.

"Damn... you won't be able to fucking sit right, either," he growled against my neck as he massaged my ass and thighs. "Let's go."

Groaning when he moved himself away from me, I rushed to lead Chuuya to my bedroom, our clothes coming off in the process and making a trail on the floor.

It didn't take us too long to start really going at it, our lust fueling us to incredible heights. Chuuya held my hips tightly with his leather clad hands, thrusting his hard cock in and out of my soaking pussy.

He was fucking me hard, my body just sprawled on the bed as I moaned and grunted from the pleasure this man was giving me. "Fuck, fuck, Chuuya!" I whined, making the man grin widely as he kept his pace. Sweat covered both of our bodies, moans and deep growls mixing with the sound of skin slapping against skin.

"That's right, dollface, ride me," Chuuya smirked up at me, now on his back as I bounced up and down on his cock. His hands were right on my hips, his eyes going back and forth between watching my bouncing breasts and watching his cock disappear inside my heat. "Fuck, you're so fucking sexy," he growled, thrusting up particularly hard and making me toss my head back, screaming when I finally fucking cum.

"Oh my God!" I gasped sharply, still squeezing around him as I began to slow down. "Oh fuck... it's so good," I moaned, reaching out and hooking my finger into Chuuya's black choker. I pulled and he pushed himself up, lips meeting mine in a messy kiss.

I moaned against his mouth, still slowly riding him as his hands ran up and down my sides, the leather cool against my skin. Then, Chuuya placed his hands on my hips, and with a mischievous little smirk, he licked his lips. Immediately, my body started to feel a little bit lighter, and Chuuya started to effortlessly bounce me up and down on his cock, 100% controlling my body with his ability.

"Chuuya..." I moaned his name, head lolling back. He continued to maneuver my body, little grunts and moans leaving his own mouth as he worked to reach his own pleasure, and mine.

I came again, tears falling down my face from the intense pleasure, and that was enough for Chuuya to pull me off of him completely, putting me on my knees before him on the bed. His hand grabbed the back of my neck and he pushed my head down, stuffing his cock in my mouth.

"Take it," he growled, his hands in my hair and using it to push my head up and down as he fucked my mouth. I moaned around him, a new wave of pleasure washing over me as I let the mafioso use me as he wanted. Soon enough, he exploded into my mouth, and I made sure I swallowed all of him.

"Fuck, that's hot..." Chuuya breathed out when I opened my mouth to show him that I did so. "You're such a good girl, dollface."

That made me flustered and I looked away shyly, earning a chuckle from him. I looked over when I felt him get up from the bed, thinking that he would leave. Instead, he just gave me a look. "Where is your shower?"

We showered together, which took longer than needed because Chuuya couldn't keep his hands to himself. I was surprised when he climbed into bed with me afterwards, allowing me to cuddle against him as we slowly fell asleep.

I wasn't surprised though, when I woke up the next morning, sore and alone. I didn't get too upset about it, though. Chuuya laid it out clear and I accepted it and moved on.

I sat on my dining room table, looking through the newspaper as I sipped on my morning coffee. I was looking for a new job and figured looking at the local ads wouldn't hurt.

"Hm... let's see..." I whispered, reaching over and grabbing my knife. I ran the tip of it down the paper, stopping when one particular ad stuck out. "Hm... the Armed Detective Agency, huh? Interesting..." I set my knife down, staring at the ad as I took another careful sip of coffee.

-End

#bsd x reader #chuuya x reader #chuuya nakahara x reader #chuuya smut #bsd smut #dazai x reader #dazai smut #yeah lmao #I got a charlie horse trying to post this but I survive!!#im going to bed after posting this cause im scared please dont yell at me #I tried my best

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