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sinfulpunishment · 4 months

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✎ᝰ┆To Let Go of Fear

─❏ Warnings: none

─❏ Characters: Fyodor Dostoevsky, mentioned Nikolai Gogol

─❏ Synopsis: How can one trust anyone but themselves in a world riddled with sin? But there is one man who may be worthy…

─❏ A/N: decided to expand upon fyodor’s trust issues after dazai called him out

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

Trust is something incredibly important to every living being on this planet.

Trust is typically given to those who are believed to be deserving of such a delicate thing. However, what makes someone deserving of trust varies depending on who you ask, just as most things do. This variability can make it difficult to get a basis on who one should trust.

Typically, I find myself in a position where I can make people do as I desire and instruct them to. Control provides a sense of comfortability, it decreases the likelihood of anything going wrong. Therefore, trust is not needed.

The difficult aspect is that while most wish to have control, not many find it easy to accept that they are being controlled. Most will fight back against being controlled, typically seen as a justified act in order to protect their beloved freedom, as they see it. Most are not truly free, to be truly free is to have total control and yet no control at all, it is a paradox.

By definition, to trust someone is to understand that one has no control over the other and to live with the acceptance of that fact, to not feel threatened by the unknown of the inability to plan for the future. Trust is built upon the belief that the other party has your best interest in mind. Trust depends upon the riddance of fear. Ridding oneself of such fear is much easier said than executed.

He is by far one of the most interesting and yet unpredictable individuals I have met. Even upon recruitment, his loyalty was never certain due to his own motives and philosophy. He experiences fear, certainly, just as any human does but he expertly stamps it out with his own desires. It is admirable, but often confused and scares others. He truly dedicates himself to his goal, something many cannot do, and that frightens them. But, it does not frighten me.

I find him to be truly fascinating. His ideas, his personality, his goals, his perception of life—it all is quite captivating. By nature of his goal he cannot be predictable, it would defeat the entire purpose of losing oneself entirely in the name of true freedom if he, or any other factor, were to exert any form of control over him. It is this peculiarity that draws me to him.

However, by my own nature, I am unable to give him my trust. Just as I never fully give my trust to anyone, he is not an exception. I trust those of whom I can control, there is little to no risk in doing so, especially when planning for instances of betrayal are possible. With him, I cannot plan ahead. I may assign him a task, but there is no guarantee that he will follow suit completely. I know that. It is the reason why I ensure that there are other forces at play to balance out his unpredictable tendencies.

I wish to indulge in a bit of a hypothetical scenario, simply out of curiosity…

What if I were to put my trust in him?

What would he do with that trust? Would he need to hear me utter the words to him or can it be mutually agreed upon and left unsaid? Would he truly prove a useful ally for me?

How much would it hurt when he finds that he must break our trust to reach his goal?

I suppose part of trusting him would be letting go of the fear that he would inevitably turn against me. Perhaps an agreement could be reached over our goals. I suppose I would not mind him doing as he pleased once my goal had been reached. Though, that is a rather selfish thought, it makes the most sense that my goal would be executed first seeing as his goal is one that is long term and can be achieved at any time. But would he be willing to, in turn, trust that I would keep my word? I suppose it’s not only up to me.

If I am to continue on indulging in these thoughts for a moment longer, then may I wonder how it would feel to be able to place your trust in someone?

Would it feel warm? Would it feel safe and comforting? Is that why people form bonds of trust, to feel secure?

I’ve heard that the deepest form of trust comes with love. I wonder how that feels…

Nevertheless, it is all hypothetical. I do not have the luxury to risk such things in the name of feeling “good”—in the name of a supposed love. I have God by my side to guide me and that is all I need, He is who I put my trust and faith into, not some jester in a birdcage of flesh and bone.

Trust is something incredibly important to every living being on this planet, except for me.

— Fyodor Dostoevsky

Crumpled but still kept near where he lay his head.

#bsd #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #bsd fyodor #fyodor #fyodor dostoevsky #fyodor dostoyevsky #fyodor dostoyevsky bsd #fyolai #fyodor x nikolai #bsd nikolai #nikolai gogol #sinfulpunishment

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bivampir · 1 year

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saw tags on that art post u rb'd... i genuinely thought ppl use 'degenerate' as a campy kind of term that the lgbtq community (primarily trans people, but i am A Trans Person so that may have coloured my perspective) mostly reclaimed?? obvs i don't call other ppl w/o asking if they're comfy w/ it, but is the word totally taboo? i genuinely meant no harm in using it, and i really wanna do better

hello! this tag wasn't my own, i prev tagged the person i reblogged it from. nevertheless, i agree w it, and I'll try to explain why. apologies if it comes off as weird or badly worded i'm quite tired lol

firstly I encourage u to watch this video about degenate art, since it ties into my point:

youtube

secondly, here's a quote from U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum (click link to read more)

In order to make Jewish persecution publicly palatable, Nazi propagandists branded Jews as a biological threat to Germany. Government-sponsored racist propaganda was widely distributed denouncing Jews as “alien,” and “parasitic,” and responsible for Germany’s cultural, political, and economic “degeneration.” These words had an enormous effect, creating an environment in which persecution and violence were acceptable. Students burned books by Jewish authors on pyres and purged works of art and music by Jews and others considered “un-German.” Much worse, Jews became less human in German eyes, and less worthy of society’s protection.

regardless of reclaimation or intention of the speaker, this is the first assossiation i make when i hear someone calling another person a degenerate. they're using a language nazis used to justify the nazification of germany.

anon, i am trans myself, but i'm albo polish and of jewish descent. i have honestly never heard that word used as a reclaimation, only as an insult. but i am not american so maybe that changes things

anyway, this word is 100% connected to right wingers and conservatives (although neonazis obv use it too.), and when they say degenerate, they mean they want to remove the biological threat we are from society

now anon. i have. 0 authority over u. I'm a stranger online. i can only share my one singular opinion. and i am NOT calling you a nazi. i'm simply saying why (to me) using the word degenerate will always be a dog whistle

#antisemitism #answers

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mcleancompton6 · 2 years

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gh0st-patr0l · 3 years

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ADHD in DSMP

So about a week back, I made a post about Karl Jacobs (a bit of a passive aggressive one, I’ll admit, but I think it was justified), complaining that a lot of the ‘criticism’ I see about Karl is actually rather insensitive towards his ADHD. I got a lot of responses to that post, and the most common sources of confusion I saw were:

People not understanding what I was saying they should avoid being judgmental of, or-

People who didn’t know that Karl had ADHD or didn’t understand which behaviors were caused by it.

First of all, Karl has confirmed that he has ADHD.

(NOTE: Yes, I know he said ADD. ADD and ADHD used to be categorized as separate disorders, but in the most recent edition of the DSM, it was decided that they are both simply subtypes of the same disorder- ADHD is the correct technical term. ADD is still sometimes used as shorthand by some practitioners to diagnose primarily-inattentive ADHD, but it's a bit outdated.)

Secondly, that original post made me realize that a lot of people who may be well-meaning may genuinely not fully understand ADHD and its symptoms as well as they want to or think they might. If you aren’t aware, Karl isn’t the only one in the DSMP with ADHD- to my understanding, both Technoblade and Dream have confirmed that they have it as well. So, I thought it would be helpful to put together a comprehensive crash-course on ADHD symptoms and how they effect people’s behavior!

Now, before we go further, I want to address something- as I said earlier, I saw some people unsure of whether certain behaviors are ADHD or “just his personality”. I feel the need to point this out above the read more so people will see it. To answer this question, as someone with ADHD;

A lot of times, it’s both. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder, meaning that it’s caused by the way your brain developed from birth. A lot of the symptoms and effects of ADHD are extremely influential towards the way we think, act, and behave, to the point where “symptoms” and “normal behavior” really don’t have a clean differentiation. This is why it’s technically classified as a ‘disorder’, instead of an illness. While certain aspects of it can require treatment, the condition itself as a whole is not something to be mitigated or eliminated- it’s a part of who we are as a person. This is also why sometimes, even if you don’t have ADHD, you’ll look at certain specific behaviors or experiences and go “Oh, but I do that too!”. A lot of ADHD ‘symptoms’ are just a bunch of normal traits or behaviors, but in combination with each other and some actually problematic aspects, form the appearance of the disorder.

So, what are you allowed to nitpick about it? Well, there’s no real ‘authority’ on this, and even if there was it certainly wouldn’t be me. But if you want my opinion? Nothing.

See, here’s the thing- what I was trying to say when I made that post was not that you can’t be critical of Karl. If you want to say something about his Actions, his Ideals, or the content he creates- sure, go for it, that’s fair. I will agree that there are some very valid and constructive points to be made. But when you post ‘criticism’ about the way he speaks, his interests or preoccupations, his personal behaviors? That’s not criticism. That’s just judging someone.

And you’re allowed to think that stuff! Nobody can control what annoys or bothers them. It doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person. But you don’t need to be vocal about it. You can keep your mean thoughts to yourself. And if you do make posts or communities or whatever about judging someone for things they can’t change about themselves, don’t call it “criticism” or try to morally justify it. It’s not productive or righteous, it’s just rude. Nothing else.

Anyway. Back to Education!

The following will be a descriptive list of visible ADHD behaviors, using Karl’s behavior as examples.

I feel the need to add a disclaimer here- I am not a mental health professional. However! I have ADHD myself, I have taken some psychology courses and done a Lot of research into this stuff, and I’m the daughter of a therapist with access to a DSM. While I’m not an expert, I’d like to think I’m fairly well versed and knowledgeable on at least ADHD. (That being said, if by chance anyone who Is a professional sees this post and notices mistakes, by all means let me know and I’ll fix it!!)

WHAT IS ADHD?

You’re here for the behaviors more than the science, so I’ll keep this short and sweet. ADHD is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (Known in the past as Attention Deficit Disorder). Despite its name, the root problem of ADHD is not in the person’s ability to pay attention, but their brain’s capability to manage itself. In simple terms, people with ADHD have a lot less control over what their brain does and wants. This results in some behavioral differences along with some personal challenges, namely a difficulty with attentiveness and self-discipline.

Now, onto the symptoms!

ATTENTION

This is perhaps the most visible and pervasive of the ADHD symptoms, hence why it’s the namesake. Inattention is a lack of focus and an inability to stay present and occupied with certain tasks or thoughts.

Because ADHD impairs self-management of the brain, people with it have an extremely hard time directing themselves anywhere but where their brain instinctively wants to go. This results in inattentiveness and the easiness of distraction that is often mocked or stereotyped for people with ADHD.

Here are some examples of how Karl can sometimes display his inattentiveness;

When he has an idea that he seems passionate about, only to drop it or switch to something totally different without warning soon after (either forgetting or getting bored of his original idea).

When he sets out to do something like a build, works on it for a short amount of time, and then immediately gives up or gets someone else to do it.

When someone else is talking and he totally zones out. (NOTE: While I wont make a whole section for it because it’s not easily observable, maladaptive (constant and intrusive) daydreaming is a common ADHD symptom as well!)

It’s important to remember that the whole problem with ADHD is that we can’t control when or what we focus on. When someone with ADHD zones out during a conversation or activity, it doesn’t mean they’re doing it on purpose, and they likely don’t mean any offense! We often are trying our best to listen or participate, but our brain just wont cooperate.

However, inattention is not the only way ADHD effects our focus. There’s also what’s called hyperfocus or hyperfixation, which is when we are so absorbed into a single subject, task, or idea that it is extremely difficult to get us to think about or do anything else. This is usually because our brains have found something that is getting those satisfaction chemicals flowing, and it’s clinging to that with everything it’s got.

People with ADHD will often experience brief periods of hyperfocus. Think of how Karl talks about spending hours straight working on a build or project without eating or drinking, or how he’ll sit down to play a game with someone and end up going six hours without even noticing.

There are also hyperfixations, where someone with ADHD becomes extremely preoccupied with a certain subject, topic, etc. for a period of time. These can be short term- personally, my hyperfixation can sometimes change as quickly as a couple weeks at a time. However, it can also be long term. Karl has been obsessed with Survivor since the second grade- not to mention his memorabilia, rambling, and constant references to Kingdom Hearts.

HYPERACTIVITY/STIMMING

This is a BIG one for Karl. I should clarify; ‘stimming’ is not a technical term, and in professional situations these behaviors are just referred to as Hyperactivity. However, I personally like the term stimming much more and find it far more accurate to what the behaviors actually are, so I’ll be using that instead for this post.

If you’re not already familiar, ‘stimming’ (derived from ‘stimulation’) is an unofficial term used to describe consistent and abnormal patterns of physical and vocal behavior typically expressed by people with ADHD and ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). This includes things that people usually call fidgets or tics.

(NOTE: There are differences in how people with those two disorders stim. This post will explain stimming specifically from an ADHD perspective! ASD stimming is caused by very different factors and presents itself in much different ways. Do your own research if you’re curious!)

There are two major observable forms of stimming- physical and vocal. Karl expresses both VERY often! I’ll use examples for each type;

Physical Stims: Flapping his hands/arms, jumping up and down when he’s excited, twisting around into odd positions in his chair, throwing, hitting, or tapping things, standing up and pacing around when he’s hyped up or laughing, twisting his rings, etc.

Vocal Stims: When he gets excited and repeats a certain phrase incessantly (Think any variation of “I’m popping off”), making certain repetitive noises while he’s focused on something or bored (”la la la”, the meow-noises, the weird heart-beat noise, etc.), singing or humming, tongue clicking.

It should be noted here that it’s pretty common for people with ADHD to get “stuck” on certain phrases or noises, and be unable to stop repeating them (reminiscent of echolalia, a symptom of ASD, but not the same thing). Think of how Karl might sometimes keep making a weird noise for an extended period of time even though it’s not that funny, or that one time he was physically struggling to keep himself from singing the Bakugan theme. These repetitions are completely impulsive and trust me, we usually know how annoying it is while we’re doing it, but we physically cannot stop.

ADHD stims are caused by the fact that the barrier between our brain and body is much weaker than a normal person’s. Because of this, most ADHD stims are actually very positive expressions of joy, excitement, or enthusiasm! Y’know how when you get excited, you feel like you wanna jump or dance? The ‘hyperactivity’ of ADHD is basically just that, but we don’t have the self-control to Not do it.

Stims can be caused by negative feelings like overstimulation, but in ADHD this is not nearly as common. Usually, the most negative reason we’ll stim is when we’re bored- in that case, our brain isn’t getting the Constant Stimulation that it naturally wants, so stimming is a way to make our own.

Whatever the cause, stimming is natural and impulsive. While different people experience it to varying degrees, those who regularly stim typically have little to no control over it. Suppressing stims is very hard and very frustrating to do.

Besides that, like I said- ADHD stims are often an expression of joy, excitement, or enthusiasm. They’re a beautiful thing that shouldn’t be seen as shameful or annoying!

BEHAVIORAL DIFFICULTIES

ADHD is a disorder which causes a lack of self-control. Naturally, this means that people with ADHD are inherently reckless, impulsive, and struggle with a lack of self-discipline that they cannot fix.

Of course, people with ADHD do still have some level of self-control, and they are still responsible for conscious, long-term behavioral patterns and decisions. However, in regards to most things, they are much, much less capable of controlling themselves than an average neurotypical person is.

These are some examples of how this will often present itself in Karl;

Excessive rambling, dragging on a joke or conversation when it could and should probably have been dropped, etc.

Speaking over or interrupting other people (NOTE: As someone with ADHD- THIS IS ALMOST ALWAYS UNINTENTIONAL. I know it can seem rude or annoying but I promise, 90% of the time if someone with ADHD talks over you, they either didn’t realize or physically couldn’t help it. Please try to be patient!)

Lack of awareness towards social cues (NOTE: Unlike ASD, in which the person is incapable of/has problems fully understanding social cues, ADHD results in a lack of awareness. For whatever reason, we’re often just not paying close enough attention to pick up on things like body language, tone of speech, and facial expression as well as we would normally.)

Indecisiveness and overthinking

Bluntness, lack of subtlety

Unintentional dismissiveness, accidentally ignoring things/people (NOTE: Again, this behavior is purely accidental. In this case, it’s usually just the person genuinely not hearing or processing things.)

Making noises, speaking, joking, etc. at inappropriate times

There’s probably more, but I think you get the idea by now. A lot of the time, behavior which results from ADHD can be seen as rude, lazy, dismissive, or otherwise intentionally harmful. In reality, we just aren’t wired to navigate common social interaction with grace.

In Karl’s case, he’s clearly an incredibly sweet, empathetic, and kind-hearted person, if the various close friends who have talked about him are to be believed. Just because he talks over people or makes a poorly timed joke, that doesn’t mean he meant any harm.

I think that’s about it for how much I wanted to point out! You can do more research if you’re curious, but I feel like this post should be enough to tell you what to keep in mind and be understanding about when talking about/making judgements on Karl, and other people with ADHD.

#sorry if this is longwinded but I had a lot to say so [shrug]#karl jacobs #dsmp #dream smp #dreamwastaken #ghost.txt

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aminiatureworld · 3 years

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Irrational

Characters: Ganyu, Jean, Keqing, gn!reader

Word Count: 4,100

Warnings: Alcohol

Premise: Emotions aren’t always rational, a fact easy enough to ignore when one is happy or in love, or in any similar situation. However more negative aspects aren’t always as easy to ignore.

In which the reader’s s/o is jealous.

Author’s Note: This is our welcome for Jean! I have to admit she was really enjoyable to write. Especially in a prompt such as this, my guilty pleasure trope.

Not proofread because I’m tired will do so tomorrow.

Ganyu

Relationships were still something that often eluded Ganyu. Friendships, work dynamics, love, they all spun around in her head, and though she sometimes found her bearings, relationships still felt like walking on a tightrope high above a dark and churning sea.

These thoughts and feelings still lingered in her mind, even now when her relationship with you was rock solid she still worried. Ganyu was a mess of repressed emotions; isolated from most of humanity she still felt the need to be absolutely perfect near you, to never let her emotions get the best of her, to be the best partner one can be.

Which is why she hated those stupid love notes.

They’d started arriving about a year and a half into your relationship. At first you’d thought it was from her, but your look of happiness quickly turned to one of embarrassment and slight discomfort when she revealed she had no idea who was leaving little gifts and notes at your desk. Although you made a point to get rid of them as soon as you’d read the contents of the letter they still kept coming, and every day Ganyu saw one of those pink little envelopes on your desk she grew more and more irritated.

And yet Ganyu still didn’t want to tell you, for she was afraid that you would think she was suspecting you in some ways. You couldn’t control what was going on after all, why should she burden you with her fears, with the emotions that threatened to squeeze all the air out of her lungs and tear her thoughts to shreds. No, she wouldn’t burden you with this, she’d take care of it herself. You wouldn’t want to be bothered with her stupidity anyways, it’d only cause more problems.

“I really don’t understand who’s doing this.” You groaned, entering the office one morning to the sight of a rose on your desk, the telltale envelope attached to the stem with a red ribbon. Walking over to it, dragging your feet in a way that made Ganyu, who had been standing behind you, giggle you tore open the letter in one nonchalant movement.

“What does it say?” Ganyu kept her voice as soft as possible, trying desperately to ignore the emotions that were threatening to cut off her throat. How long was this going to go on?

“Oh listen to this,” you scoffed, turning towards Ganyu, a wry sort of smile plastered across your face, “my dear friend – as if whoever this creep is would ever be a friend of mine. I noticed recently that you’ve become quite close to the secretary of the Liyue Qixing. I would never question your decisions – oh of course not – but I find that work romances never last. Perhaps if we were to meet I could explain to you why, though I’m sure you already know the reasons yourself and would never dream in participating in such a thing. Still, I await you reply. Sincerely, your secret admirer.”

With a flourish you bowed, before promptly chucking the letter in the trash. “Well at least they seem finally to be catching on to the fact I’m disinterested. Honestly though, I don’t know what this person is thinking. I really ought to complain to the department, see if they can’t find out why this is happening.”

“I agree,” Ganyu couldn’t help but let disgust fill her voice, “this is harassment. You really ought to tell someone about it.”

“You’re right,” you nodded, before sighing. “I’d hate to be a pain though…”

“You aren’t!” Ganyu shook her head, indignant at the insinuation. “Protecting yourself isn’t being a pain. This isn’t merely distracting, it’s concerning. You deserve better.”

“Thank you Ganyu.” You smiled; glancing around to make sure no one was there you gave her a soft peck on the cheek. “You’re always looking out for me.”

“Of course I am!” Ganyu replied, her face burning slightly. “I love you.” She added softly.

“I love you too.” You smiled. Sitting down you glanced at the rose as if it were a weapon rather than a flower. “A pity they keep sending flowers, I hate to throw out the poor things.” Hesitating you took it in your hands, smiling sheepishly as you stuffed it into your desk drawer. Ganyu smiled back, attempted to ignore the small twinge of annoyance that rattled in her and whispered that she should burn the reminder of her suffering.

The two of you had worked later than usual that day, and it showed the next morning as you failed to show up at your usual spot. Although Ganyu might’ve normally waited for you, today she glanced around her before quickening her pace as she made her way towards the Qixing headquarters. This was the opportunity she’d been waiting for, and though she felt slightly bad about sneaking around behind your back she was also at her wits’ end, and if she wasn’t going to tell you then she was surely going to figure out once and for all what was going on.

The door had been left open by the last person who entered, and Ganyu wrinkled her nose at the irresponsibility of such a thing before walking inside herself. The office was mostly dark, and the contrast of your light being the only one visible throughout the hallway immediately put her on high alert.

Her suspicions were justified when she walked through the door. A man was standing at the edge of your desk. In one hand was a bouquet of flowers and in the other was an all too familiar note. Although Ganyu might’ve normally been merely frightened and appalled she now found herself more angry than anything else, and her words were spat out with a vehemence she hadn’t entirely known she’d possessed.

“What in Teyvat do you think you’re doing here?” She asked, voice shaking slightly. The man jolted and turned around, relazing when he saw who it was. That was a mistake.

“Ah it’s the secretary,” His smile was mocking and the way he bobbed his head made it clear he thought nothing of the half-adeptus in front of him. “I was wondering who would catch me eventually. Didn’t expect it to be the Tianquan’s personal servant.”

“Answer my question.” Ganyu spoke once more, completely unfazed by the insults of a man who was so utterly loathsome. “What are you doing here.”

“You’re rather dull aren’t you,” the man’s tone was a dismissive as before, “I didn’t realize this needed any explanation. I think it’s very clear that I’m here to deliver something to this office’s owner.”

“Do you even know their name?” If Ganyu hadn’t been so angered perhaps she would’ve found the man’s expression hilarious. He seemed to be completely malfunctioning.

“Of course I know it!” He finally let out. “It’s written on the plaque outside the door if you’ve forgotten. But I doubt you would. You seem awfully close to them recently.”

“That’s none of your concern.”

“Oh but it is.” The man’s smile was utterly enraging. “They’re very important to me after all.”

“They aren’t even aware of your existence.” Ganyu spat. Approaching closer she drew herself up as tall as she could. “They’d never have anything to do with someone as worthless and creepy as you.”

“What exactly am I doing that’s creepy?” The man backed away slightly, slight panic mixing with defensiveness. “I’m only showing them how much I care for them! What’s wrong with that? You’re just jealous aren’t you. You want them for yourself, don’t you. Well you can’t have them, because they’re mine.”

“They don’t belong to anyone.” Ganyu replied, voice made soft and hoarse from the anger burning in her chest and pounding in her ears. “And if you can’t see that then you’re even worse a person than I thought you could be. You may think them something to possess, and you worthy to possess them; but in reality you’re lower than dirt and they owe you nothing, not even the air you breathe. You should leave now. You may have no respect for privacy, or rank, or profession. But the Liyue Qixing are nowhere close to incompetent. And if you value a life not spend in total societal isolation or, Morax forbid, behind bars, I suggest you never return.”

“You really ought to listen to her.” Your voice was music to Ganyu’s ears after what had just passed. Turning her head slightly she saw you leaning against the door, a grim smile painted across your face. “She’s the person in this office least likely to simple chuck you out the window.”

Gulping slightly the man finally moved. Shooting one last glare at both you and Ganyu he scuttled out into the hallway. Only when she heard the front door close did Ganyu breathe a sigh of relief.

“I’m sorry you had to see that.” She said, flushed with embarrassment and the lingering anger she felt. “I shouldn’t’ve threatened them, or lost my temper like that.”

“You were utterly in your right.” You smiled. “In fact you were quite gallant if I do say so myself!”

“I lost control of myself,” Ganyu shook her head, “I wasn’t thinking about doing the right thing, or protecting you. I wasn’t thinking of anything. I was only angry. Angry and… well I don’t know.”

“Jealous?” You suggested. Flushing, Ganyu glanced at the ground.

“Maybe.” She whispered.

The half-adeptus glanced up in surprise as you wrapped you arms around her. After a while she returned the gesture, and for a while there was simply silence as you two basked in each other’s presence.

“You shouldn’t feel bad about being jealous.” You spoke after a while. “Every feels jealous sometimes, it’s completely normal. And in this case it was positively valiant! Even if you weren’t thinking of me, you still stood up for me. And I couldn’t be more grateful.”

“I lost my temper.” Ganyu was stubborn in her conviction that what she’d done was wrong. Lessons that she’d taught herself about displaying her emotions passed through her thoughts. “It’s not good to be jealous. I’ll only end up pushing you away if I keep losing myself to my emotions.”

“Being jealous is only a problem when it spirals out of control,” you replied, “being offended at the way someone speaks about your partner, or disliking the fact your partner is getting sent weird letters every day is something that any normal person would be jealous about. Even if the person turned out to be such a lout like that one.”

“You aren’t angry?” Ganyu ventured, still skeptical. You drew away slightly so she could see your face. You were smiling brightly.

“Not a bit.”

“Good.” Ganyu smiled back.

You nodded your head. Apparently satisfied you moved to grab the stuff you’d left in the doorway. Still somewhat unsure Ganyu walked over to you.

“Um, can I ask something?”

“Sure!” You replied. “Anything.”

“Um… can you get rid of the rose in your desk?”

You paused for a moment before giggling. Walking over to your desk you took out the offending flower, opening the window and throwing it out onto the lawn.

“There we go.” You turned around. “I’m sorry if that was making you uncomfortable. Tell me next time you’re feeling jealous, alright?”

“Okay.” Ganyu whispered.

Relationships were confusing. So many invisible lines that one might trip over. Still Ganyu would gladly learn where the lines were in regards to you. For she loved you. So very much.

Jean

Jean didn’t like work parties at the best of times, but now it was all she could do not to scream as she watched the young knight next to you begin to break into verse, proclaiming to all the – hopefully blacked out – knights around you that he loved only you.

Normally Jean was pretty dismissive of the antics of her coworkers. Being the Acting Grand Master she saw it as her duty never to be too punishing, always aware not only of the power she held in such a position, but also of the respect that she had garnered, that she had worked tirelessly for. The Knights of Favonius, from the highest ranked captain to the lowest foot soldier, was comprised up of well meaning, enthusiastic workers. Despite all their faults she cared deeply about them all, and could often sidesteps their antics as the result of their camaraderie.

This time however felt different. Even if Jean knew full well that the knight probably meant nothing serious by it, knew that he was simply drunk and having a good time, she still couldn’t help the coil of emotions that wound taught into her stomach. Scowling slightly into her drink she cursed herself. Maybe she was the tipsy one, for only a fool would be jealous in a situation like this.

“Feeling already Grand Master?” Kaeya’s voice was as cheerful and as unassuming as usual, not at all revealing the fact that he should’ve been utterly plastered. Now he simply sat down across from his irritated coworker, taking another swig before glancing over towards what was capturing Jean’s attention.

“What do you want Kaeya?” Jean asked, attempting to steer the conversation away from its obvious ending. Kaeya was currently the only member of the knights who knew of the relationship between the two of you, and though he took that honor very seriously he was also quick to tease, something made only worse by his current state.

“Ah I see what’s going on.” Kaeya smirked, refusing to cooperate. “What’s going on here? A lover’s quarrel perhaps. No. Our dear adventurer seems hardly happy with the situation. What could it be then?” He let out a sudden gasp. “Is our dear knight jealous?”

“Neither they nor I are ‘our dear’ anything.” Jean pointed out, rolling her eyes. “And I’m hardly jealous. Only pitying the poor soul for the embarrassment he’s going to feel tomorrow if he or anyone in his regiment remembers this.”

“Ahh, I see.” Kaeya replied, tone of voice making it plenty obvious that he didn’t believe Jean one bit. Shooting him a dirty look Jean sighed, once more raising the beer she was drinking to her lips. She didn’t much like beer really, but it was sort of the signature drink of Mondstadt – unless you were rich enough to afford Dandelion Wine on the regular, which few were – and Jean felt the compulsion to blend in with those around her in taste and in manner. Although in this case it was becoming difficult to do so.

Was she jealous? Although Jean would like to say surely not she wasn’t so naïve or so optimistic. She knew very well that she was jealous, but there really was no reason to be so. It felt somewhat below her, to be so blatantly upset by this pseudo-flirtation. Wasn’t she more aware, more mature than that? The answer became very clear when the knight stopped his verbal rambling and attempted, somewhat unsuccessfully, to grab your hand.

“Sir Heinrich.” Jean’s voice had taken on the authority that she rarely liked to use in casual company. “Might I ask you to control yourself in the presence of our guest.”

Heinrich, apparently not so drunk as to be unable to read the now somewhat tense room, immediately and somewhat dramatically, snapped into attention. “G-Grand Master Jean! Yes, of course! I’m so sorry.” Bowing quickly he promptly burst into tears and, proclaiming that he’d betrayed his Grand Master, was dragged outside by some friends, hopefully to sleep off his inebriation.

The tone of the party quickly returned to its jovial origins, anyone still in attendance at 3:00 was either Jean, you, Kaeya, or too drunk to care about what had just happened. Jean, however, was somewhat surprised, and extremely embarrassed, by her sudden outburst. Sinking down on the stool next to you she put her head in her hands.

“I’m going to have to apologize for that tomorrow.” She sighed. Glancing over towards you she reached out her hand, which you quickly took, palm sliding gently into hers. “I’m sorry about that.”

“Don’t be! I don’t mind a bit of flattery, but that was becoming… a bit much.” You let out a giggle, the glass next to you an indicator that you were probably a bit tipsy yourself. “Besides, you’re very cute when you’re jealous.”

“I’m not jealous!” Jean scoffed, blushing slightly. “You and Kaeya I swear, incorrigible.”

“How am I not surprised he picked up on it too,” you laughed, smiling fondly. “I don’t mind it, at least not in cases like this. By all means, be as jealous as you want.”

“I’m not jealous.” Jean insisted, shaking her head violently.

Laughing you leaned over and gave her a quick kiss on the head, ignoring the scandalized gasps from the remaining crowd.

“Whatever you say, my dear knight in shining armor.”

Jean let out a nervous giggle. What was she going to do with you, now that she loved you so much.

Keqing

Keqing wanted to make it very clear that she never became jealous. Absolutely not, under no circumstances.

She had more respect for herself after all, more respect for you. It was below your relationship to be worried over something such as jealousy, and Keqing for her part resolved never to lower herself to such a level, even if you were somewhat more dismissive of the idea than she was.

“Jealousy is an emotion,” you explained when she asked you why you were so cavalier in regards to the notion, “and since I know both you and I are hardly likely to spin out of control if it were to happen, I don’t really find the idea repulsive.”

“You’re very strange.” Had been all Keqing could respond, not wanting to argue with you about it. It would never happen anyhow. No point in fighting about it.

Now Keqing was somewhat regretting that statement as she watched the woman next to you chatter away while she stood, still as a rock, trying desperately to bite back the retorts that were running through her mind at everything this random lady was telling you.

“It really is such a pleasure to see you again!” You smiled at the woman, some friend of yours and, from what Keqing gathered, a long forgotten one at that. “It’s really been too long.”

“I agree!” The woman replied eagerly, her smile so syrupy that Keqing was surprised it wasn’t melting in the sun. “We really must go out for coffee and catch up.”

“Absolutely!” You nodded, ignoring the stare that Keqing was now focusing on you. “Maybe sometime in the summer?”

“Sounds like a plan! Now excuse me, I have to go.” The woman smiled. Nodding towards Keqing, evidently she wasn’t completely oblivious, she waved before walking away. Waving back you turned around towards your partner, a smile on your face.

“Thanks for stopping for me, I realize that took a little while.”

“It was nothing.” Keqing’s voice was sharp and flat, and she ignored your puzzled look as she turned back towards the Qixing headquarters, determined to forget this entire conversation, and the dark emotions it had managed to dredge up.

The rest of the day was somewhat quiet, though Keqing could tell you wanted to talk about your old friend. She knew that she was being exceedingly rude by ignoring your cues, but she couldn’t help it. The whole situation made her uncomfortable, and she didn’t know how to process that. If she admitted it you’d just chock it up to jealousy and not only would she feel somewhat invalidated, but she’d have to deal with the knowledge that all her boasting had been for nothing. Or, to be more explicit, that she’d been wrong.

“Want to have dinner together?” Keqing glanced at the clock on her desk. The day had long ended, and now it was just the two of you.

“Gladly.” She smiled at you, getting up from her chair. “I’m sorry for making you wait.”

“No worries!” You waved your hand. “I wanted to spend some time with you anyways.” Unlike you did earlier today? Keqing bit the retort back. It would be cruel to say that, and somewhat revealing. Besides she really did want to walk home with you, and wouldn’t taint the experience with her own emotional turmoil.

The walk was a lovely one, for the day had been somewhat hot and now a cool breeze brought in by the sea blew lazily. You were discussing one of the transactions you’d had to check, when Keqing spied your friend up ahead. Before she could change your course the lady noticed the two of you however. Calling your name she waved her hand wildly. Distracted from your conversation you waved back, running up ahead and leaving Keqing behind in the dust.

“Fancy meeting you here again!” You exclaimed. “I was just walking home from work.”

“I was stopping by one of the stalls.” Your friend gestured towards the temporary structure behind her. “I forgot to buy groceries, so I suppose it’s grilled Tiger Fish tonight.”

“It happens to the best of us.” You laughed. Keqing couldn’t stand the atmosphere anymore. The conversation was insipid, the participant who’d brought it up even more so. Unable to stop her frustration Keqing walked, or rather stomped, over towards you. Huffing slightly she grabbed your hand. Turning around your face betrayed surprise, but it was quickly replaced once more with a smile. “Ah, I almost forgot. Lily, this is Keqing!”

“Oh, a pleasure to meet you!” The woman, Lily apparently, smiled. “Are you coworkers?” Keqing felt a flicker of resentment at not being directly addressed. Surely she didn’t need a translator.

“My partner.” You corrected, smiling and squeezing Keqing’s hand, something which did little to relieve the tension she felt.

“I see.” Your friend smiled her saccharine smile. “Nice to meet you Keqing.”

“Pleasure.” Keqing replied, not bothering to keep the irritation out of her voice, after all wasn’t she known for being blunt? “Now we really ought to get going, if we aren’t going to be eating in the middle of the night.”

“Sorry for dashing on you,” you apologized, something which Keqing deemed completely unnecessary. “See you around.”

“See you around!” Lily replied. As she turned back to the stall Keqing started moving again, half dragging you through the streets and to her apartment.

Finally arriving home Keqing breathed a sigh of relief. This, however, was quite short lived.

“What was that all about?” There was amusement in your voice, and though Keqing was glad you didn’t seem irritated with her, she certainly wasn’t happy about the mischief in your smile.

“It was getting late.” She replied curtly. “I’d rather not be cooking dinner in the dark.”

“Are you sure that’s it?” Your voice was slightly sing-song and Keqing rolled her eyes, knowing immediately where this was going.

“Of course, what other reason could there possibly be?”

“I don’t know, maybe you were a little jealous?” You shrugged your shoulders dramatically. Keqing tensed for a moment, before shaking her head.

“Why in Teyvat would I be jealous? After all, they’re just a friend.” Although she hadn’t meant to emphasize that last bit Keqing couldn’t help but feel somewhat irritated. It was just a friend, she was sure of that, sure of you. And yet it had irritated her. It had irritated her intensely. And what was that but jealousy?

“Of course they are.” You smiled gently. “They’re just a friend and you’re just the person I love. But Keqing?”

“Yes?” Keqing found her voice somewhat unsure.

“I don’t mind if you’re a little jealous. As long as you never doubt my affections for you, then it’s okay to be a little selfish. Okay?”

There was a pause, before Keqing walked over to you, wrapping you into a tight hug and burying her face in your neck. Drawing back slightly she pressed a soft and somewhat impatient kiss to your lips.

“Are you sure?” She asked, pulling away once more.

“Very sure.” You replied, before leaning in to kiss her in turn.

Keqing was glad to be carried away by the content feeling of being in the embrace of one’s love. She found today incredibly embarrassing and just wanted to forget the whole matter. And she knew you’d let that happen, for even if Keqing felt irritated, even if she resented your friend for accosting you and not leaving you alone she still trusted you more than anything.

And that was what counted.

#ganyu's is so long lol #it's a theme #anyways this was really fun #also jean is a new writing fav #genshin impact #genshin impact fanfiction #ganyu #jean #keqing #ganyu x reader #jean x reader #keqing x reader #requested #scenarios #my writing

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drummergirl231 · 3 years

Note

Hey DG! Been following ur blog for a year now, and i love your positive support to this fandom :)

Do you think Apritello in 2012 was in any way abusive/toxic looking back not that the show is over?

I don’t think this myself at all, i just wanted to know your opinion on this claim because i trust your judgement.

Oh wow, thank you so much! Sorry I’m not really active on this blog anymore (though I’m still around and still compulsively check it lol). But I’m glad you’ve enjoyed my past posts! (My apologies for my lack of gifs in this post; my Apritello gifs aren't on this computer.) As for Apriltello being toxic or abusive, I wouldn’t label it as such. They certainly had their moments where each of them said or did the wrong thing, but they’re teenagers who have no idea what they’re doing, romantically or in life in general. But they learn and grow as individuals over the course of the show, and in doing so, they grow closer together.

Let’s start with Donnie. One of the major complaints I’d hear about him was that he once kinda wound up stalking April back in Season 2, which we all agree wasn’t healthy for either of them.

Now, disclaimer/PSA: Ladies, if a guy is following you around without your consent, do not try to rationalize it. You don’t know what’s going on in someone else’s head in real life. If someone is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, don’t gaslight yourself, or try to justify his behavior, or try to see it from his perspective (which you can’t be sure of anyway). Just get away and stay safe.

With Donnie, he’s a fictional character, so we, the audience, did get to see things from his perspective, and he wasn’t following her with creepy intentions. He wanted to talk to her and patch things up, but he wasn’t totally sure how to approach her, and used that time hopping from rooftop to rooftop trying to figure that out. What he should’ve done is figure that out from home while giving her space. But he’s a teenager who grew up in isolation from the world, not even watching as much TV as his brothers, and he's learning how to socialize for the first time. It doesn’t make his behavior correct, but it makes it easy to forgive so long as he learns and grows from it, which he did. Besides, there was an alien race after April. Keeping an eye on her wasn’t a completely terrible idea. He should’ve just gone about it differently.

Another complaint I’d hear about Donnie was that he still wanted to protect her, even after she’d learned to fight and control her powers, like in her fight with Shinigami, for example. To which I offered the counter-argument: what kind of jerk would Donnie be if he just stood there and didn’t care that the woman he supposedly loves was getting her butt handed to her? The writers needed to show Donnie distressed over April being hurt, but they also needed to have Raph hold him back, because it really was April’s fight. His desire to protect her wasn’t because he thought she was weak or incapable. It was simply because he loves her and hates to see her hurt. A third complaint I’d hear against Donnie was that his feelings persisted a long time. One blogger even referred to Mikey’s crushes on multiple girls as the most “realistic,” out of the turtles’ romances. It may be more relatable to that particular blogger, but it’s not unrealistic to have feelings for one person that persist a long time. I had a huge crush on a guy friend from 5th grade through 10th grade, and that crush resurfaced briefly during my senior year. Some feelings can’t be switched off at will, so what matters is how you handle those feelings while you have them. And while Donnie didn’t always know the best way to handle them, he was a teenager, perfectly entitled to his mistakes, and not toxic or abusive towards April.

Now it’s April’s turn. This teenage girl lost her mom under mysterious circumstances at a young age, then lost her dad (multiple times throughout the series) to an alien race that was ultimately after her so they could terraform the planet. She lived alone a lot of the time, and still had high school, extracurricular activities, and massive secrets to keep. That’s a lot for a minor to deal with. Now add having a big mutant turtle friend awkwardly crushing on you. Would any of us have known how to handle that at that age? Most of us didn’t even know how to handle crushes on fellow humans at that age. For much of the show’s earlier seasons, Donnie’s flirtations and near-confessions came at times when April was up to her eyeballs in chaos she didn’t know how to handle.

She got a lot of crud from fans in particular for kissing Donnie right after he’d told her he understood he was making her uncomfortable and he’d back off, especially because Donnie said after the kiss he understood nothing and he was even more confused than before.

As a fan, I love the kiss. As a grown-up, I gotta say it wasn’t the best decision she could’ve made in that moment. Actions may speak louder than words, but for someone like Donnie, words would’ve been a lot easier to understand. I think what went on in this scene was that April finally realized she did have feelings for Donnie. She wasn’t ready for a relationship with everything going on, but she didn’t want Donnie to give up on her just yet. At the start of the next episode, a still-confuzzled Donnie tried showing off in front of her again (“Check me out, April!”) and she ignored him and walked right on past, further confusing Donnie and irritating the fans. But I think April was trying to overcorrect. Maybe even she thought the kiss was going a little too far, and she was trying to make sure Donnie knew she didn’t want a relationship yet. April’s biggest crime as far as Apritello goes was just not verbally communicating with Donnie. She was young and it was a weird situation and she didn’t know how to handle it.

But after that moment, things did change between them. They really started getting closer as friends, which became a wonderful foundation for them. Donnie started to relax around her a little more, which helped her relax around him, and her feelings were allowed to develop without pressure. They care about each other, protect each other, fight for each other, and respect each other. Things were awkward between them at first, and they did inadvertently hurt each other here and there, but they just needed to grow up a little. I mean personally I don’t think anyone should even date before their prefrontal cortex reaches maturity at age 25, but I don’t think Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles could ever go on that long. lol

#apritello #long post #tmnt 2012 #tmnt donnie #tmnt april

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aot-squad · 3 years

Text

Levi and Zeke drama:

Note: This is my personal opinion and it doesn’t mean that what I say here is completely accurate. if you disagree with my opinion, that’s okay! and if you agree and want to add your own opinions, go ahead!

Long post + spoiler warning 💥

I love Levi Ackerman so much. He is such an amazing character who doesn't hesitate to help others or provide them with moral support, even if he is in his worst condition, he continues to bear the burden of being the strongest, because he sees himself responsible for preserving the lives of those he loves.

I love him so much and I will never stop loving him for some stupid reasons that some fans are coming up with, and it made me question myself "are we reading the same manga?". his haters never understood him at the first place to begin with.

Its disappointing how many people have a strong hate boner for Levi because he is "overpowered" and "wins" against Zeke! Some even joked about him saying: "only two fingers are enough". He actually waited 4 years, 4 years and his will for revenge was not extinguished. Will he allow himself to retreat after all these years because of his injury? Not at all, he is stubborn too, especially that he is still responsible for the rest, the proof in ch. 135, he made sure that Mikasa won't be reckless, and he saved Jean and Connie and fought as much as he can.

We have seen this in chapter 33. He hated being left behind because of his injury. He hated the fact that he was incapable of joining with them and offering everything he could. Most likely, Levi has put the blame on himself, because if he had been around at the time, things would have taken a different direction. Eren wouldn't been kidnapped for hours, and probably Erwin wouldn't have lost his arm. He simply didn't want to let them go without him for this time, and I see it that way because Isayama has been connecting the final arc with the first ones.

So, Levi did all his best at his worst state. Sure that he "wins" against Zeke, and saved the main cast many times, but he never gets to keep his loved ones in the end. He always loses someone or something in the end.

One of the things I admire about Levi is that he is one of the most selfless and compassionate characters in the entire series, not having any selfish goals of his own and that he keeps carrying the burden of so many deaths, yet he continues to struggle on because he wants to bring meaning to his loved ones deaths.

Levi was defined from the beginning as humanity strongest soldier due to his high fighting skills, and people simply want him to lose? Zeke didn't even have sufficient fighting skills as Levi or Eren did, which made Grisha and Dina disappointed when he was a trainee, but he is smart and manipulative. Xaver-San said they are both alike, smart but not good at war.

Being humanity strongest is a huge burden itself, and because he is strong enough to deserve this title, he is still resilient despite all his wounds and suffering.

I wrote THIS about Eren before, and I will say something similar about Levi now.

His vow is important to him, just like Erwin seeing his dream important to him or like Eren's need for revenge is important to him.

Zeke has done way more damage to Levi than anyone else has, plus, he injured him and forced him to kill all his new recruits just 4 Days before the present time? Imagine how painful the the recent events must have been for him. Levi is a person with feelings and emotions too, he isn't heartless or coldblooded character, and his wounds are still fresh LMAO. So he is being realistic at this point.

He experienced all this in the matter of a few days not months like us.

The thing is, his hatred toward Zeke it's totally justified for me as much as I understand Zeke's motivation, but what I keep wondering about is that Annie have as much reason to be hated by Levi as Zeke, cuz she literally annihilated his squad. Not saying that Annie and Zeke are on the same scale bcz bruh, Zeke murdered Mike, Nanaba's entire squad, the citizens of Ragako, Erwin and the Survey Corps, Levi's new recruits and forcing him to kill them (which is the worst thing he could do to someone like Levi in my opinion), also all the military in the Survey Corps, Colt...! But still, I expected him to react at least a bit like Jean toward Reiner.

After taking a deeper look, first of all he was so fucking injured and needed only to rest for some time. Second of all, I will say probably because he understands that Annie and co was brainwashed and forced. He even saw her crying after he saved Eren from her, while Zeke in the other hand never felt guilty. I think it's mostly Zeke's behaviour that makes Levi mad since he doesn't like unnecessary deaths.

In return to Shiganshina, Levi was ready to fight the Beast Titan all by himself even if it meant his certain death. Levi cares a great deal for humanity as a whole. He has expressed disgust at disregard for human life, and dislikes unnecessary death. Levi actively does his best to ensure the longevity of his comrades, often taking on Titans by himself to minimize how many soldiers are endangered, and his fellow soldiers are among the few things he openly displays care for.

Also, He always has awareness of the situation they are going through, so he always focuses on the core objective.

If Levi was thinking blindly and only think about killing Zeke (like some fools are saying), he would have already done so and finished it all, but on the contrary, he did not allow his hatred toward Zeke to blind him from the core objective.

They need Zeke and his secret plan that he doesn't even know about or trust him at the first place, but yet he understood the situation, he understood that they need Zeke at some point for Historia and that Eren need him too. That's why in this moment Levi only tried to stop him even tho he had all the reasons to why he should kill him right then, but he didn't and Levi himself said he doesn't mind to wait a bit longer if his secret plan was real.

So Levi isn't blindly chasing Zeke. He is sitting with the person he hates the most, reminding him of why he doesn't trust him and why he should kill him later. and to think of it more, this maybe the reason why he agreed to ally with Annie and the rest silently, because he understood they need Zeke alive and agreed. we don't know Levi full pov to all the situation, but they need to join their forces if they want to stop Eren or at least to try doing something about it.

The thing is that Zeke never allowed Levi to understand him and never showed a sign of guilt for everything he did. He make anything worse than he already has everytime he start talking with Levi.

it’s Ragako not "that village"! The least Zeke can do is to remember the name of town he titianized, considering the fact that all what he said to him about spreading the gas and Marley was a lie, yet he tried to justified his actions, which was sentence innocent people to fate worse than death, to an endless nightmare according to what Ymir has said, and then he complained why Levi keep reminding him of his guilt, and here what Levi has answered:

Well Levi was right tho, and I do feel like Zeke is like "I did what I did because it has to be done" nothing more or less, and I want to add that what happened in Librerio was a part of the plan that he agreed upon, meaning that even with his vast knowledge of the inner workings of Marley’s military all of Zeke’s plans involve innocent people being Titanized. Levi put into words what has already been confirmed, and Zeke was still trying to play him. Too bad for him Levi is not easily deceived, and that's why he kept changing the topic from his guilt to ladies to Eren.

I always keep Zeke's childhood trauma in mind, and the part about "being the savior of the world". perhaps if he had lived among Eldians within the walls, will his feelings change about the matter like Reiner and co? But he had lived in Marley and served them for years and then turned his back on them because of his only salvation that he talked about with Xaver-San, which is the Eldians Euthanization.

Zeke thought that no one can understand his true intentions, only Eren can, I don't have a problem with that cause everyone has their own view to this matter, the problem is some of the Fandom wants Levi to understand/sympathize Zeke's actions while Zeke didn't even gave him the chance to do so, kept on changing the topic and showed him no sign of guilt at all.

But Eren said nope to that, Imma just rumble the world.

If Zeke wanted to, he could defend himself, but he doesn’t have any defense other then exposing his true intentions to him. Levi was right, cause things seemed like the only thing that matters to Zeke is his plan after all, and that aims justify means.

Levi is a man who is capable to resort to violence as an option, in fact violence is a big part of SnK universe and his character as I wrote HERE, and that many characters resurted to violence, but why the Fandom make it seem like Levi is being punished for his violence and that he should give up on his promise and violence? Levi is loyal and a man of his words, and that violence is a big part of Levi character from the beginning, so why is he the only one being punished for it?

One last point to speak about for today is him suggesting killing Zeke in order to stop the rumbling in chapter 134.

Lmao, I can't believe people are still hating on levi over this? Out of everyone in chapter 134, Levi came out the smartest. Everyone kept getting surprised being in Paths and sad because there's no other way to stop Eren by words (not blaming them tho), while Levi was making a keen observation there. besides, they don't know what happened to Zeke in the paths.

Unlike us, Levi didn't read chapter 114–121. Unlike us he didn't see Zeke's backstory to sympathize with him. Unlike us he didn't see the betrayal Zeke went through in paths. Unlike us he doesn't sympathize with Zeke in any way because all Levi knows is this man killed Erwin and his new recruits, turned his comrades into titans and made him kill them. Therefore he's got every right for being obsessed with wanting to kill Zeke.

Keep in mind ones again that Levi experienced all this events in the matter of a few days not months like us.

His suggestion wasn't just because he's hellbent on seeking revenge. He knew that to activate the Founding Titan you must have royal blood, so he came up with "Eren is controlling the Founding Titan through Zeke, right?"

Levi didn't lose sight of the core objective by suggesting killing Zeke, and he also said that he isn't sure but it is something Hanji assumed, so they should keep this point in mind, and I'm your guy so lend me your strength. At that moment, all I felt was his desire to put all of his remaining strength in one last battle, but things changed in a way that no one expected, and he didn't lose his sight of the core objective when he found out that titan wasn't in fact Zeke.

In the end, Levi is one of the most tragic characters in the series who can't catch a break at all. He has done so many things that the haters couldn't give him credits for. He has done his part for humanity, he's already a legend among legends. He already has the best records and results in the whole universe of SNK, and that's why he deserves to be loved and appreciated.

Seems like people tend to focus and hold on to one part of the story (mainly their favourite character) and don't understand the bigger picture by giving the other characters that left a deeper look.

I do feel kinda disappointed about Levi state in this Arc, but as for the things I said, his got every right for being obsessed with wanting to kill Zeke and he is realistic. You need to put yourself into his place, and I respect him for not giving up so easily. Even if he didn't end up killing Zeke, at least he tried his best till the very end.

Just as I understood Eren's will for revenge throughout the previous seasons, I will understand Levi's will for revenge in some of the chapters he appeared in.

I personally believe every character deserves the love they get, popular or not, and that people should just stop being salty and acting like a real life Yeagarists. I have my own reasons why is Zeke in my top 5 favorite characters list, and why I love Eren that much even tho he is rumbling the world and its innocent people. They are just well written characters.

In order to fight against this shit world, with this hand I’ll grab hold of the freedom of going beyond the walls for the first time.

I have chosen for myself.

Even if I am led into hell, I have no regrets.

Not one bit. -Levi

Just reconsider and thank you for reading 🖤

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thedeviljudges · 3 years

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So sorry thought I was done but there's more! (I've really enjoyed your analyses.) Thinking bout YH possibly being involved in SH's death and reasons he could be: callback to ep 8 convo bout doing whatever it takes, plot twist for sake of it, vindicate SH's anti-Yohan agenda, make audience suffer. Reasons he SHOULDN'T be: character development (see same convo!) - it would undo all his progress, everything he said about letting Gaon make his own choice, Elijah would never forgive him, etc. (1/2)

It should be evident to YH from Gaon's actions/words in this ep that he's still on side re. fighting the corrupt world - there's no pressing need to get rid of SH to get him back on track. Also YH being guilty would vindicate Min Jung-ho's anti-YH agenda, and so far I don't feel the show has invited the audience to sympathise/agree with him so that would be a weird turn around! Plus if SH had found out something bout YH wouldn't she have tried to tell Gaon in her last moments?? ...here's hoping!

Ahhh, thank you!!! I’m glad someone enjoys my annoying posts about this show, lmao. It’s just so much fun and hard not to constantly think about it when you’re always finding new little things.

And I think all of your points are very true, and I totally agree. I think the scene in episode 12 where they “break up” was enough for Yohan to realize that what he said and what he continued saying drove Gaon away. Gaon’s confession about Soohyun being his world and realizing that Gaon chose her over him was already reasonable and logical enough for him to understand that if Yohan did anything to her, Gaon wouldn’t be on his side. Gaon would go after Yohan, even without a plan - I firmly believe that.

Gaon rushed to the hospital and checked up on her when she got heart, for example. Him and Yohan fought over the possibility of Yohan attacking her, and Gaon found out it wasn’t him and apologized for making the assumption - that Yohan had no need to actually go after her. On top of that, Gaon even admitted to the professor while he was in the hospital that Yohan wouldn’t have attacked him, and yet he got mad at Gaon for taking Yohan’s side again.

And the thing with Soohyun’s attack - that would’ve been a great time for Yohan to go after her if needed because at that point, him and Gaon were still on shaky ground in their relationship. Yohan didn’t understand his own feelings for Gaon, and he wasn’t at the point of considering other people and/or changing is ways (to an extent).

I’ve also posted previously about how Soohyun and the professor use confirmation bias to convict Yohan of things he hasn’t done - and this is just another example of the professor pointing fingers at Yohan to justify how wrong he is without seeing the bigger picture. That sounds way more in line with the professor and even with Yohan’s characterization of being misunderstood by literally everyone.

You’re very right in that the show hasn’t done anything to invoke sympathy for the professor’s side of the argument. In fact, he takes the side of the government if we’re going to compare him. He doesn’t even see the clues and make the connections between the president and his lackey’s, which truth be told, is right in front of his face - even Gaon pointed that out to Jinjoo because it’s right there. How would the professor not have seen Choongsik if Jinjoo has seen him, for example. I don’t remember if they publicly announced Choongsik leading the virus protection, but Gaon made it sound like they had, which again means the professor simply wasn’t paying attention, and I wonder why that is.... people just love Yohan, lmao.

To that, we can also note Gaon’s pointed statement during their meet up when Gaon tells the professor how much he failed in his position of power. “You should’ve done better. If people like you did better… If you did better as a chief justice, people wouldn’t need to do this. If only the people who are in charge of justice did their jobs well.” And yet he only has eyes for Yohan, still. Patterns!!!!

You also make a very, very valid point I hadn’t considered about Soohyun trying to tell him about Yohan in her last moments. That’s a very interesting thing to consider because normally when death like this happens, the character dying is always trying to get something important out, and this time, it’s just a play on Soohyun’s constant confession when Gaon cries.

I think for me personally, my biggest thing is that if they truly make Yohan the villain here, or do anything to seriously fuck up, then what lesson or point will that make? What profound notion will the show end on after everything we’ve been through because to me, the way the show is right now, it's set us all up to believe that Yohan is not the monster he’s made himself look like. Would they do that to his character for shock value? Because at that point, I feel like that’d be the only reason they’d do it - like, what else would be that justification of him going after bad people if he himself is that bad, too?

Anyway, I can talk myself in circles here. Cheers to waiting just a few more hours to find out. I just want to have hope the writers did the right thing, but we’ll see!!

#x #the devil judge #anonymous #answered

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healingchildhoodtrauma · 4 years

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7 Subtle Signs Your Trauma Response Is People-Pleasing

In a nutshell, “fawning” is the use of people-pleasing to diffuse conflict, feel more secure in relationships, and earn the approval of others.

It’s a maladaptive way of creating safety in our connections with others by essentially mirroring the imagined expectations and desires of other people.

Often times, it stems from traumatic experiences early on in life.

1. You struggle to feel ‘seen’ by others.

If you’re a fawn type, you’re likely very focused on showing up in a way that makes those around you feel comfortable, and in more toxic relationships, to avoid conflict.

But the downside to this is that you’re not necessarily being your most authentic self. The more you fawn and appease others, the more likely you are to feel unknown to others, even in your close relationships.

If no one sees your authentic self, it can lead to feelings of being misunderstood, and even resenting the fact that no one really “sees” you.

The painful irony is that often times, you’re the one obscuring their ability to see you in the first place.

2. You don’t know how to say ‘no’ to people.

Fawn types are almost always stretched thin. This is because we’re so eager to make others happy, we blurt out “of course!” and “yes!” before it even occurs to us to say “I can’t right now” or “no thanks.”

Your catchphrase might even be something like “it’s no trouble at all, really!”

Meanwhile, you’re silently dreading the mountain of favors you’ve signed up for — a list that only seems to get longer as the day wears on.

You’ve got a love/hate relationship with being helpful, and no matter how many times you try to break up with the word “yes,” saying “no” just doesn’t come naturally to you.

3. You’re either spewing emotions out of nowhere or unloading them onto distant strangers.

This might seem paradoxical, but it’s not, if you really think about it.

You want to make those closest to you happy, which means you’re reluctant to open up when you’re struggling — so you only do so when you’re on the brink of totally breaking down, because you’ve held it all in for far too long.

On the other hand, distance makes it easier to have feelings, too.

Which is why people we’ve just met can suddenly become as intimate as a best friend in a single conversation (and why I became a blogger, let’s be real).

A kind stranger in a bar? Sure, I’ll tell you all about my trauma. Oh, here’s a Twitter thread about the worst thing that ever happened to me. Here’s a frightening Facebook SOS — I mean, status.

We need an outlet for our emotions, but having emotions can be sooo off-putting, right? So we unload them onto people we aren’t yet invested in, that we won’t see again, or where a safe distance (like on social media) is in place.

That way, if someone bails on us for being messy or “too much” — otherwise known as being human — it stings less, and the stakes don’t feel as high.

4. You feel guilty when you’re angry at other people.

You might make a lot of excuses for the lousy behavior of other people, defaulting to self-blame. You might get angry, only to feel like an Actual Monster for having feelings at all five minutes later. You might even feel like you’re not “allowed” to be upset with other people.

I did this just recently when I was almost hit by a car, and immediately went to a place of wondering if I’d simply misunderstood what happened.

It’s pretty hard to “misunderstand” someone hitting the gas pedal when you’re crossing in front of their car, but I was convinced that somehow, some way, it had to be my fault.

If you struggle to get mad at people, opting instead to blame yourself or justify someone’s cruddy behavior, you’re actually fawning — because you’re pushing your feelings down, and rewriting the story, all in an effort to appease the other person involved.

5. You feel responsible for other people’s reactions.

Whenever I recommend a restaurant or a book to someone, there’s a moment or two of intense panic. “What if they hate it?” I wonder. “What if it’s not as good as I remember?”

Sometimes I just let other people make decisions on where we go and what we do together, because if something goes awry, it won’t be because I “failed” to make a good choice.

I once felt guilty because a friend of mine spent 30 minutes looking for parking near the cafe I chose to meet them at. As if I somehow control whether or not a parking space is available.

It’s a little nuts if you think about it, right? Because you can’t arrange someone else’s taste buds, magically know their book preferences, or anticipate whether or not that art exhibit you want to see is actually worth going to.

Yet I take a ridiculous amount of responsibility for whether or not people are having a good time — so much so that I forget that I’m supposed to be enjoying myself, too.

This is just another sneaky manifestation of the “fawn” response in action (and a dash of codependency added in there, for good measure).

We’re trying to anticipate someone else’s happiness, because deep down, we feel responsible for it — and are trying everything in our power to ensure that the people we care about aren’t disappointed.

6. You find yourself compromising your values.

This can be difficult to notice at first. You might think of yourself as being agreeable, good at compromise, easy to get along with. But if you pay attention to the conversations you’re having, you might notice you’re a little too agreeable — to the point of validating viewpoints that you don’t really, fully agree with.

Sometimes it’s benign things, like saying you don’t have a preference for where you get dinner when you actually do. Other times it’s a deeper issue, like validating a perspective or behavior that you don’t agree with.

“Sure, the sexism in that movie really only bothered me a little bit, but you’re so right, the cinematography was top-notch.” “Oh yeah, she probably isn’t being a good friend to you, I can see why you sent that angry text.”

If you find yourself sitting on the fence as not to upset anyone, you’re likely fawning to some degree — and it might be time to self-reflect on whether or not you feel OK continuing to do so.

7. You sometimes dissociate in social situations.

Fawning often requires that we shut down emotionally. The less we have distinct feelings of our own, the easier it is to adapt to and accommodate the emotions of other people.

Sometimes this can lead to dissociating, where we disconnect emotionally. This can show up as daydreaming, spacing out, withdrawing, or even “going blank” when we’re overwhelmed in social situations.

This is also why fawn types can relate so much to other trauma responses, like flight or freeze.

If we feel that “fawning” is failing us in an argument, that it won’t work with a particular person, or that we just don’t know how to please someone, we might check out emotionally, or rely on other “escapist” mechanisms so that we no longer have to engage.

We’re more prone to anything that involves dissociation because we’re already distancing ourselves from our own emotions for the sake of others.

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/7-subtle-signs-your-trauma-response-is-people-pleasing#Sound-familiar?

#fawn response #trauma response #developmental trauma #cptsd #people pleasing #codependency #disassociation #childhood trauma #healing from trauma #healing from abuse #empath #boundaries #self care #inner child healing #reparenting

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shammikorn · 3 years

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hi, obito anon again! thanks so much for your answer! (« baby moose » fucked me up it’s adorable) obito is totally endearing as a young character and interesting as he grows. for the redemption thing, i was also talking about the kyubi attack (i still don’t fully get the point assise from sheer vengeance). and i totally agree with you that his change of heart in the war arc is strange, esp since kakashi’s speech is like... not good, and doesn’t address most of obito’s issues with (1/2)

(1/2) the shinobi world. fighting with someone just because he cares doesn’t absolve any of the suffering caused by the system naruto is precisely defending and it’s kinda heartbreaking that kakashi is unable to form his own point. in an obito-lives au, is he still trying to change the shinobi system? (also loved your last rin drawing, it’s soft) SO. it’s happening. i’m not sure how much time passed. hope you are still alive, ma dude!!!! the whole vengeance dilemma- i simply don’t have it! because a) i love obito and i’ve spent way too much time in this fandom to care about m*nato or konoha or hundreds of village npcs; b) i actually find it *just* in a pretty twisted way. it was the village, the hokage (as a Title) that had failed obito in the first place, and it was the hokage (as a person) who’d left both him and rin to die in the literally meaningless war - both deaths having little to no effect on villagers, on the government, on the course of war, both probably forgotten in several days. something about the idea of a nameless casualty becoming the force that destroys konoha is incredibly appealing to me tbh :) it’s just-- the whole attack is inhumane and awfully cruel, and there were a lot of innocent victims BUT. but. at that moment obito is still aching and angry in a very human way, and he is overreacting, in a human and therefore violent way as well, and it’s something that we rarely see in konoha’s heroes and defenders. it’s the opposite of konoha’s ideology, and it’s most likely considered a weakness - except this time it overpowers the village. if we think of it as a sort of confrontation between obito and minato, this can become even clearer: obito revenges over his friend (and himself) on the village, minato sacrifices his son for it. human vs institution. kinda. if you squint. plus, as with most of obito’s antics, we must remember that at that time he’s been dead once, revived, brainwashed by madara and losing his personality, and he also had a mind-controlling seal. i’m not really trying to justify the attack - of course, there must have been a good old revenge motive behind it - but i find myself incapable of condemning it either. the second question is UGHH. Hard. i am in love with his characterization from NFWMB (as yall know), and i’m kinda stuck on the idea that he has A Lot of more urgent issues at hands. it depends greatly on the verse, and if we are talking about my *main* verse for the past year (surviving root operative rin, her weird pseudo-relationship with kakashi, their conflict and involvement with anbu/root and danzo-hiruzen even weirder pseudo-relationship, all the mystery about obito’s survival, etc, etc), he’s pretty busy...then, at this point obito has virtually no chance of becoming hokage. i guess, deep inside he still believes in good things and possible changes but at the same time he must be *very* disenchanted with shinobi world in general.

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doshmanziari · 3 years

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Musical Offerings for the New Year || What is “Radical Music” in 2021?

Near the end of 2020, a bunch of musicians populating a chatroom, including myself, each submitted ten minutes’ worth of our work to another musician, Chimeratio, who generously compiled it all into a set totaling nearly ten hours.¹ The work didn’t need to be new; just what we thought might best represent our abilities/style(s) and/or perhaps what we were especially pleased with. The set premiered in late January. Since I have some tentative plans for reorienting Brick By Brick this year, while not overriding its emphases, I wanted to share that music with anyone who’s interested.

I compiled the four videos into a playlist, although you can also access them individually: here (1), here (2), here (3), and here (4). If you care to, and are on a computer, you can also view the accompanying chatlog and read people’s responses from when they were listening to the live broadcast.

The compulsion for this project was sparked by excited discussions over and usage of the term “digital fusion”, most helpfully propagated by Aivi Tran, designating a computer-based body of work that for years lacked the rooftop of a commonly agreed upon genre-name. While describing my music has never been a big concern, even if it’s usually felt impossible (what, for example, is this? or this? I dunno!), I’ve appreciated how the spread and application of this term has brought together people who may have felt isolated.²

As “digital fusion” gained designative traction, I witnessed the activity in the aforementioned chatroom explode over the course of a few days. Before, a day’s discussion might’ve been a few dozen messages; now, there were dozens of messages every half-minute. This had positive and negative ramifications, the negative being that conversations often proceeded at a pace of rapidity which precluded concentrated thought. Eventually, I bowed out because the rapidity exceeded my threshold for meaningful interaction; but I was glad that significant invigoration was going on.

I wanted to share this music also because it intersects with thoughts and talks I’ve been having stemming from the question, “What is ‘radical music’ in 2021?” This was stimulated by a 2014 talk given by the writer Mark Fisher, wherein he contends that, were we to play prominent “cutting edge” music from now to people twenty years ago, very nearly none of it would be aesthetically shocking, bizarre, or revelatory (think of playing house music to an audience in the early 1960s!). Fisher also observes a trend of returning to music which once was seen as the future -- as if, deprived of a shared prograde vision, imaginations turn hazily retrograde; ergo, genres such as synthwave or albums like Daft Punk’s Random Access Memories.

It isn’t my goal here to argue about the “end of history.” Fisher’s time-travel hypothetical, however, rings loud and true to me. Visible musical radicalism has, for at least a decade, been strictly extra-musical, in the sense of songs like “This is America” or “WAP”, where one’s response is primarily to the spectacle of the music video, the performer’s identistic markers, and/or the manner in which the lyrics intersect with (mostly US-centric) ideological hotspots. Musically, there is really nothing radical here. Any vociferous condemnations or defenses of a song like “WAP” deal in moralizing reactions to semantics or imagery: how progressive or regressive is the political aspect? how propelled or repelled are we by the word “pussy”?

It would be a mistake, and simply wrong, to assert that the only music one can enjoy escapes the parameters outlined above; and my inability to coherently categorize some of my own music hardly raises that portion to the status of radicality. But the question here pertains to what is being made, and I think that if we’re going to seriously consider the nature of truly radical music today, we do need to question if such a quality can prominently exist when our hyper-fast consumerist cycle seems to forbid not just sustained, lifelong relationships to artwork but also the local, unhurried nourishment of creative gestation. Now, in my opinion, there are good, even great, examples of radical music still being made in deep Internet-burrows, and for evidence of that I would offer some of the material contained in the linked playlists. Moreover, I’d say that this quality can exist in part because these little artistic communities are so buried.

Let me share a quote that another person shared with me recently:

For culture to shift, you need pockets of isolated humanity. Since all pockets of humanity (outside of the perpetually isolated indigenous people in remote wilderness) are connected in instantaneous fashion, independent ideas aren’t allowed to ferment on their own. When you cook a meal, you have to bring ingredients together that have had time to grow, ferment, or decompose separately. A cucumber starts out as a seed, then you mix it with the soil, water and sunlight. You can’t bring the seed, soil, water and sunlight to the kitchen from the get-go. When you throw those things in to the mixture without letting them mature, the flavor cannot stand out on its own. Same thing with art and fashion. A kid in Russia can come up with a new way to dance, gets filmed on a phone, it goes viral quickly but gets lost in the morass of all of the other multitudinous forms of dance. Sure it spread far and wide, but it gets forgotten in a week. In the past, his new art form would have been confined locally, nurtured, honed, then spread geographically, creating a distinct new cultural idiosyncrasy with a strong support base. By the time it was big enough to be presented globally, it was already a cultural phenomenon locally. This isn’t possible anymore. We’re consuming too many unripened fruits.

The main impression I have here is that radical music today will, and must be, folk music. Our common idea of folkiness might be the scrappy singer strumming a guitar, but my interpretive reference rather has to do with the idea of a music being written, first of all, for one’s self, and then shared with a small-scale community, which in turn helps the artist grow at their own pace. This transcends a dependence upon image, the primacy of acoustic instrumentation, or the signaling of sincerity versus insincerity. It is a return to the valuation of outsider art, so rare nowadays. As someone who I was recently in dialogue with wrote, “Where can you find new genuine folk music? Pretty much just with your friends, imo. Even then, the global world is so influential and seeps into any crack it can find. I think vaporwave was radical and folk for a while. Grant Forbes made that music way before the world knew about it.”

Sometimes, a lot of fuss is made over what’s seen as “gatekeeping” within certain communities. It can be, depending on the context, justifiable to question and critique this behavior. At other times, the effort of maintaining a level of exclusivity, of retaining an idiosyncratic shapeliness to the communal organism, can be a legitimate attempt to protect the personal, interpersonal, and cultural aspects from the flattening effect of monoculture. Hypothetically, I welcome the Castlevania TV series and Super Smash Bros. Ultimate having introduced new and younger demographics to Castlevania. In actuality, stuff like “wholesome sad gay himbo Alucard”, image macros, and neurotic “stan” fanfiction being what’s now first associated with the series makes me want to put as much distance as possible between my interests and those latecoming impositions.

The group-terminology David Chapman uses in his essay “Geeks, MOPs, and Sociopaths in Subculture Evolution” is kinda cringey, but some of the cultural/behavioral patterns he lays out are relevant to the topic. Give it a look. If we cross his belief that “[subcultures] are no longer the primary drivers of cultural development” with our contemporary consume-and-dispose customs, we’re left with the predicament of it’s even worth attempting to bring radical/outsider art beyond its rhizomatic habitat. This is troubling, because it would mean that artistic radicality no longer might not only refuse to but cannot encompass cultural upheaval. It would be like if dance music were invented and -- instead of progressively permeating nightlife, stimulating countercultural trends, and ultimately being adapted as the basis for pop music globally -- only were listened to via headphones by a few thousand people on their own, stimulated a group meeting once a year or two, and never affected music beyond a niche-within-a-niche. That’s a very sad picture to me.

⁂

¹ Chimeratio has also maintained an excellent blog on here dedicated to looking at videogame music written in irregular time signatures, far preceding higher-profile examinations like 8-bit Music Theory’s video on the same topic.

² For myself, creative isolation has had its uses, because it has led me down routes that are highly personalized. The isolation can be dispiriting too. Although a lot of my music is videogame-music-adjacent, almost none of it uses “authentic” technology, such as PSG synthesizers or FM synthesis; and the identification of those sounds is fairly important for recognition.

#music analysis #radicalism #digital fusion

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