You'd wonder "spaceships as people" was a new hyperfixation for me, but joke's on you, it's been one of my little obsessions since I was 11, and it was the early 2000s. A group of my OCs originally started off as "Imagine the space shuttles, but people". One of these characters is still literally named Endeavor.

I had barely experienced much media with spaceships as characters back then, it just kind of came from, "What if this big cool machine had thoughts of its own?"

I'M NOT EVEN REALLY IN ANY THE BIG FANDOMS PEOPLE TALK ABOUT WITH SENTIENT SHIPS IN THEM

like i tried to get into farscape, lol

Anyway, it's been narrowed down to, "What if spaceships are people" and what that means in how they relate to other people, each other, and stuff that happens in space AND "whew, spaceship hot, but dating one would get pretty spicy, huh" gimme the spice, gimme the pain, the hurt/comfort, the space adventures, because all you have is each other

ANYWAY, I plan to ramble even more about this stuff, because I have MANY THOUGHTS and it's stuff about "spaceships and gender", stuff from my own writing about different kinds of spaceships and the protocol for referring to them by individual name or as a ship, and also a long ramble about freighters from the same writing, and how they work.

And someone else will hopefully find it and like it too, maybe.

(2022 sketches) Oop never posted these here…

(rambling in tags)

I’ve been thinking back to artist stuff in high school and man people are really weird about furry stuff in a way that seems like they’re super afraid to be associated with it at all. I don’t/didn’t consider myself a furry but I recognize my art is obviously furry-adjacent at times and I don’t mind that.

I’d almost always bring my sketch book to school with me so I can draw during breaks and stuff and the amount of times people (sometimes complete strangers!) would randomly insult me for drawing “furry shit” (once this happened bc I was drawing bojack horseman characters LMAO) like ppl are usually polite when they see me (or others from what I’ve seen) drawing in public, will either ignore it or say something nice or funny if they do comment on it, unless it’s something they think is furry art.

It’s baffling to me like this is so obviously not how these people would normally behave but it feels like they’re so afraid of being seen as cringe they feel they have to point out any cringe they see so that no one thinks they’re cringe. Grown adults can do this stuff too but it was obv much more common for me in high school.

And it was so shitty how it made me actually somewhat ashamed of drawing anything that could be perceived as furry, even though I’ve loved drawing animals my whole life since I was a child, and I never had anything against furries and had both irl and online friends who were furries.

I don’t feel any of that shame anymore and just draw whatever I want (it helps that I’m no longer getting strangers commenting on my art like this irl, and that I’m not as insecure a person as I was in high school) it’s just so fucking weird that people feel comfortable acting like this

Thinking about hg duo----qCellbit and qBad---and relationship imbalance, specifically during their time together in the Wars. (And I know relationship imbalance typically refers to romantic relationships, but it can definitely apply to platonic ones as well. Anyway this isn't the most ACCURATE term but I wasn't sure what else to call it. You'll see what I mean.)

Like, I keep imagining Cellbit, this 14ish- or 15ish-year-old kid dropped in the middle of a warzone with no idea if he's going to survive to see tomorrow. He's scrappy, and he's cutthroat because he needs to be to survive out here, but he's still just a kid. He knows he's not very strong, and he knows he's not very big or intimidating, and he doesn't know what he's doing. He's teaching himself (on the fly) how to hunt, how to hide, how to run, how to scavenge, and how to bandage wounds. In desperate moments, he does unspeakable things that shake him to his core. (Standing over a body, a knife in his hands, he's trembling, he hasn't eaten in eight days---)

And then he runs into Bad, who is everything that Cellbit is not: experienced, strong, intimidating, coordinated, methodical. Knowledgeable. Capable. He's been in the Wars much longer than Cellbit. He knows he's lucky that he happens to get on Bad's good side, and he is stupidly fortunate that Bad is letting him tag along.

Bad teaches him everything; Bad helps him refine his skills and shows him things he never would have been able to figure out on his own. Bad shows him how to walk as silent as the night. Bad shows him how to properly grip a knife. Bad shows him how to dress and re-dress wounds. Bad shows him where to hit someone to deal the most damage. Bad shows him the difference between poisonous and edible mushrooms. Bad shows him how to prepare cuts of a body. Bad shows him where to look for clean drinking water, then how to purify it. Bad shows him how to scrub the blood out of his clothes.

And not only that, but Bad is kind. Sure, it's difficult to wrangle an straight answer out of him sometimes, but he's always willing to tell a story. Also, he compliments Cellbit when he manages to do a takedown on his own, he praises Cellbit on his form in a fight. Bad smiles and laughs with him and messes around with him and ruffles his hair and calls him a "rapscallion" and a "muffinhead" and a whole assortment of dumb little nicknames.* Bad isn't a very cuddly guy, per se, but he's a steady presence whenever Cellbit has a nightmare, or in those rare moments after a hunt where he can't seem to stop shaking, or when the taste of blood in his mouth is suddenly just. too. thick.

*(Cellbit doesn't actually have a name at this point. He doesn't remember it. These nicknames are all he has.)

Cellbit looks up to Bad. He admires Bad, and he wants to do right by him. He wants Bad to be proud of him. He cares so, so much about Bad, and he knows he's incredibly goddamn lucky that Bad found him. Bad is, essentially, the only thing keeping him afloat in the Wars.

And Cellbit's memories only stretch back so far before his mind hits that thick black wall of Nothingness. As far as he is aware, there has been nothing but the Wars, and thus the time he's spent in this life is partitioned as Before Bad and After Bad.

To Cellbit, Bad is everything.

Bad, on the other hand? Well, it's not that he doesn't care about Cellbit. It's just...different. Because, no, this isn't Bad's first rodeo. He's walked through his fair share of conflicts, and he's had his fair share of travel companions. Cellbit is one of many---he's not the first, and he's definitely not going to be the last. Bad only helps the kid because he found him trying to carve up a body and come on, he clearly didn't know what he was doing, he was holding the knife all wrong!

And then he invites Cellbit to come with him because why not? Teaching Cellbit those skills he's lacking is a rewarding exercise. Bad recalls showing Cellbit how to throw knives, and the first time Cellbit managed to land the blade deep in the tree trunk, Cellbit looked back at him with this beaming grin---it was actually kind of cute! Plus, Bad didn't realize how much he missed having someone to talk to besides himself; he should really seek out travel companions more often.

Cellbit might be inexperienced and not exactly the strongest, but he's pretty smart, and he's very willing to do what's necessary to make it out here. Bad reckons that Cellbit might actually make it through winter before he dies. Probably of fever. Bad has lost a lot of companions to fever. Mortals get sick so, so easily and so, so quickly. It sucks, but oh well. That's just how it goes.

Marcille is trans, but since she's half elf and was mostly surrounded by elves she didn't really have to transition that much, since you know elves are very fem

Every time someone tells her "hey you look masculine" she would just say that it came from her human father's side (if shes comfortable saying that) or that the lion decided to fuck her over one last time (as a joke)

Extra ramblings in the tags bc why not 👍

Just finished another playthrough of Breath of the Wild. Was wondering which Zelda game to play now and, well. My bias threw me at Ocarina of Time, sos. But since I'm playing it now, there's just something I've wondered for a long time:

What would have OoT Link's life been like while in the forest had Navi been with him from the beginning? That, and their separation at the end would have been even harder...

i think ppl who are super online or into fandom should watch/read/etc something without ever touching fandom discourse or making aus or shipping characters just like every once in a while

Post Marineford spoilers nerds

You guys ever think about how in that small recovery arc after marineford that Luffy was still wearing the same shorts from the battle? Like, Law and the others could have lent him some clothes. Or idfk an old jump suit. Like. I know the pants were red but they would probably be black with the amount of blood that must of soaked those fuckers. His blood, Ace’s, Jimbe’s and the amount of corpses that must have been on the floor.

Do you think they still smelled of smoke, gun powder and blood? Do you think they made Luffy’s flashbacks worse? Do you think seeing his blood soaked yellow vest triggered him? What do you think happened to that outfit? He wasn’t wearing it when he returned to marineford. Maybe he burned it. Like stripping himself of that layer of himself or shedding his skin. Maybe it’s at the bottom of the ocean. A scar he could never rid of not forgotten but buried.

Idk man I’m just snowballing :)

i want to see exactly how many people actually have thought i am for research because ive gotten this quite a few times from different people i just wanna see how far it goes

Hi! Thank you for blessing us all with tlp :) it’s such a cool au and I like it a lot!! I have many thoughts about it so I’ll start writing them now:

With Donnie being raised by Big Mama, the change in dynamics with literally everyone is interesting to think about, so of course my brain has latched onto the concept of how Donnie’s dynamic with his own brain (his neurodiversity/autism) effects his relationships with himself and his family. 

(beannary note: putting everything under the cut so this doesn’t get too long)

Comparing Donnie’s relationship with his own neurodiversity in tlp to canon makes me so emotional you have no idea…..in canon he’s never had a need to mask, living in the sewers with a family who accepts him for who he is, so he has difficulties doing so when needed; we’ve seen him in situations where he is unable to mask/act “socially appropriate” (the mystic library episode comes to mind - he can’t control the volume of his voice when he gets excited. Also every single time he is put in a situation where he has to lie but he is comically bad at it. Also the many many instances in which he is shown being unable to ‘read the room’). But in tlp he seems to be masking a lot, either when he’s interacting with Big Mama’s guests or with Big Mama herself (your Masking is Hard comic comes to mind instantly - how Donnie has a hyperspecific role to play as Big Mama’s Son and the pressure to not only be sociable, but be sociable in a way that meets his mother’s expectations. Its a lot to handle, acting a way that doesn’t come naturally to you and no matter how many times you go through the motions you feel as if it doesn’t get any easier and you dont know why). Tlp Donnie can mask far more convincingly than canon Donnie, but only because he’s had to mask frequently throughout his life. It seems to me like he’s been taught at a young age that he needs to stop acting so “weird” (for example, stimming in obvious ways), because that kind of behavior loses its cuteness fast with Big Mama & most of the company she associates with. I imagine lots of his behaviors are discouraged as he grows up because they’re “not cute anymore” and he’s “not a little kid anymore” and he “needs to learn some manners/self-control” even though everything “weird” Donnie does feels like so natural to him, even as he gets older. Although I do think Donnie has instinctively coped with this by making his stims more subtle (this is where I get to be self-indulgent and imagine his stims - humming, tapping his feet, fiddling with any object he can get his hands on, blasting EDM in his headphones etc), and he only pulls out the big guns (aka big stims) when he’s in his own room with the door closed (or when he’s locked himself in a bathroom stall and physically cannot hold himself back anymore). 

Unfortunately for Donnie I also figure that this amount of masking makes him more susceptible to meltdowns. In canon Donnie has so much freedom and control over his own life that the only time I can remember him being even mildly close to Meltdown Territory is during the Todd Scouts episode when his tech was taken away. And even then, he immediately knows how to cope with the change by Creating with whatever tools he is able to find, his brothers just accepting his absence as he goes MIA to build the things he needs to make himself feel better (like the wooden battle shell). But in tlp au does he even know how to cope in healthy ways? Does he get to go MIA for long periods of time so he can pull himself together and prevent a meltdown from happening? Oouuggghh I just want him to be happy :( poor guy feels as if he has no control over his life to the point he develops an eating disorder, he absolutely has no idea what a healthy coping skill is. I’m torn in between concepts for how he processes his neurological differences - either he goes the “autism? don’t be ridiculous, everyone feels this way” route or the “I am astronomically Different from anyone else I know. surely this is just due to my superior intellect and not a developmental disability of any sorts”. Either way this dude is not connecting any dots nor processing any emotions in a healthy way. (Now that I think about it, while Donnie lives with Big Mama, his unique and different skillset are probably what he clings onto to feel needed and useful to his mother, so the latter makes sense for him during that time. But the former makes sense when the concept of Different scares him, when it’s not just intellect and fixations and tunnel vision but sensory issues and social awkwardness and repetitve movements, things that very clearly separate him from his family and make him less of the Perfect Son he is expected to be.) 

Another thing I’d like to ramble about is Donnie, his autism, and his relationship with his brothers and his dad….you mentioned in an ask that he doesn’t know he’s autistic but that may change when he starts living with the Hamatos. This made me think about how Donnie’s brothers react to his autistic traits in canon versus in tlp (assuming that no one knows that Donnie is autistic; they just know that his brain works Differently than the rest of theirs). In canon, Donnie has lived with his brothers for his entire life. His brothers know his habits, his preferences, his sensitivities, his moods, etc. He may be Different than the rest of them, but not so much that they think about it for more than 5 minutes. Donnie is their brother - any “weird” behavior is not too different from how how he usually acts. Donnie may be weird but they all are in their own ways and it’s not a big deal to them. His brothers are used to accommodating his needs and dealing with his moods. However, in tlp, Raph, Mikey, and Leo don’t know him very well yet. They’ve never lived with him before and when they do accept Donnie into their home as an Official Brother (a development I’m very excited for), they also can’t help but immediately recognize the stuff that makes him Different from the rest of them (if they’re the ones that recognize that it could be autism, than it’s Differences in a way that’s Familiar, if that makes sense). Differences that aren’t just unhealthy habits and mindsets from his previous shitty living situation. Obviously they can be accommodating but it would understandably take longer to adjust simply because they’re not used to Donnie’s specific quirks. They don’t know right away what makes him uncomfortable, or what textures he prefers, or why he moves and talks and acts the way he does. It’s a learning experience for everyone. 

As for Donnie and Splinter….they make me so emotional!!!! Your art of the two of them is so so good and captures that emotion. When Donnie lives with the Hamatos, everything changes. Anyone would have difficulties adjusting to this huge change, but I imagine for Donnie it’s a lot harder. How do you cope with leaving your mother, your only family member you’ve known your entire life? And now suddenly he has to stop being His Mother’s Son and become His Father’s Son, another role he has to create and adjust to (he doesn’t realize yet that his father doesn’t need Donnie to try to be someone he’s not - he loves Donnie unconditionally, just the way he is ;-;) because having a role to play is familiar to him, the only familiar thing he can cling onto during these huge changes in his life. Unfortunately though it just makes everything more exhausting, not only coping with the move into a literal sewer but trying to act like a perfect son for Splinter. Donnie doesn’t know yet that he doesn’t have to mask in front of a parent or meet impossible expectations to “earn” parental love and approval. Meanwhile Splinter sees how Donnie acts with his brothers (much more casual because Donnie doesn’t feel as if he has to “impress” his brothers the way he has to with a parental figure) versus how Donnie acts with him and thinks he’s doing something wrong, that he’s the one giving off an impression to his new son that he has to suppress his stims or say the “right” things or do stuff that makes him uncomfortable because he thinks it’ll make his parent happy…..but I have faith that this pressure eases with time, that they get more comfortable around each other the longer they live together. Eventually Donnie won’t be hesitant or embarrassed to take off the mask in front of his father. Maybe one day he’ll get rid of the mask around his family entirely!! Either way I’m excited to see tlp Donnie’s journey :) thanks for sharing your au with us!

HI THIS IS BEANNARY SPEAKING NOW wow this was so much and im sooooo glad that you are enjoying this au! And for real its so flattering that you like?? wrote all this about my silly au this has actually been the only thing that I could think about since you asked if you could send this in and yeah it’s just really nice to see that people like my comic and this little separated au that i dreamed up

One of the big differences between canon donnie and tlp donnie is tlp donnie’s ability to mask really well. When he was a kid, a lot of his stims were cute and adorable so Big Mama didn’t like encourage them? but let him you know stim freely since she thought it was cute, but as he got older and he kept on stimming in obvious ways she started really hounding him to stop. I do really like the idea of donnie starting to stim in more subtle ways, and im definitely going to try to incorporate that in some of the comics! He still needs to stim, because you know of the autism, and so he does tap his feet and play with whatever little object he can get in his hands when he’s in public. His room is his one safe space where he can really be himself, since its the one spot where he’s not being watched by anyone (his safe space isn’t his lab because what he does in his lab is highly controlled by Big Mama so while he does like being in there and getting to do his science, he’s still pretty on edge since he never knows if his mom is watching him or not). Donnie really loves spending time in his room, though he doesn’t really get a whole lot of time there by himself since Big Mama has filled his schedule with as many extra curriculars as possible so she can show him off all the time). But speaking of his room it sure would be bad if something happened to it! Sure would be bad if it was destroyed in some way thereby destroying his one safe space! Haha! ;)

And no! Donnie does not know how to cope in healthy ways! He is very good at figuring out when he is about to have a meltdown and at figuring out a way to subtly get out of a situation so he can go recuperate somewhere in private, but even then, he can never spend a whole lot of time to himself because if he ever disappeared for an abnormally long amount of time, it would draw attention to himself and more specifically to these meltdowns that he’s having and he really wants those to stay off of Big Mama’s radar since if she knows about them then that’s one more thing for her to criticize and then it’ll be even harder for him to deal with them with his mom now being aware of them. And yeah he does know about autism but he’s still like no it simply could not be me but in that way where he’s like 99% sure he’s autistic but is just refusing to acknowledge it so he can keep on pretending to be ‘normal’. if that makes sense alksdjfh

Living with the Hamatos is going to be very hectic and scary for Donnie just because of how different their home is from his current home. In tlp, Raph also is autistic im pretty sure idk I might change that as the comic progresses but at this point that is what im going with but just havent had a whole lot of time to develop, but that’s part of the reason why the hamatos are so accepting of Donnie, its because they’re already used to living with a sibling who is autistic so all of this is second nature to them, it’s just normal and that really throws donnie for a loop because he’s so used to walking on all these eggshells making sure to act as allistic as possible 24/7 only to be suddenly dumped into an environment where its completely normal and accepted for him to just be himself. And sure it’ll be a learning curve for the hamatos because like obviously not all autistic people are the same but it’ll also be a learning curve for donnie since he’ll finally be able to relax and figure out who he is without having to hide himself all the time. 

Donnie and splinter’s relationship is what im really the most excited to write about. I really want Donnie’s experience leaving Big Mama to mirror Splinter’s experience. And I really don’t want to spoil too much but Donnie is really not gonna like Splinter much at first, and it’s gonna take a while for Donnie to warm up to his dad, but also Splinter is going to be the most understanding of what Donnie is going through because well, Splinter also left an abusive relationship with Big Mama. I dont really want to say much more about their relationship because I dont want to spoil the good angst I have planned but I’m really excited to explore their relationship more!!!!

Also just for the record I have not like proofread any of this so there may be typos or maybe i said something dumb so just lmk and ill fix it aklsdjhf Im not autistic (or am I! I havent been to therapy in a while and I would not be surprised to find out that I am autistic or that I have adhd or something else) so lmk if i said something stupid or phrased something in a dumb way and I cannot emphasize how fast I will fix it 

Ok bye now!!! this was fun!!! and thank you for sending this in!!! Idk it just really warms my heart that someone out there is thinking about this silly au this much, makes it feel like all the work ive put into making this comic is worth it :)

I’ve been thinking about the portrayal of SA and misogyny within fallout new vegas, from the Fiends and Caesar’s Legion specifically I think new vegas does a pretty good job at portraying oppression and abuse without seeming... for lack of a better term masturbatory. It’s by no means perfect obviously but i think its a solid attempt. The(living) victims of rape that we see within New Vegas( Pretty Sarah, Corporal Besty, and Siri) all have stories that i found pretty moving, relatable and truly heart wrenching. I think Betsy and Siri are the two that really stick out to me the most( sarah i struggled with getting involved in that quest line as it was too triggering ). Betsy is the definition of a “messy” victim. What Cook-Cook did to her left lasting scars, ones she refuses to acknowledge. And she’s angry she’s angry and she’s hypersexual and she’s lashing out at everyone in her life about it. She doesn’t want to be seen as weak and she doesn’t want to be a burden( i think her being a lesbian and very proud of that further bothers her as well, the fact a man was able to assault her weighs on her). Though her actions(especially her more pervy behaviour) aren’t excused by the narrative it’s very clearly a side affect of the severe trauma she experienced. I think it would have been really easy to have turned the Cook-Cook bounty/quest into a rape revenge story and I’m glad they didn’t. Sure she gives you some cash if you kill the bastard but the main way to help Betsy isnt (rightfully) killing her rapist but to help her get the help she needs, convincing her that her fellow soldiers care about her. It’s not common for more “messy” victims to be portrayed in media and personally Besty means a lot to me for that. Now contrast her with Siri, who is the complete opposite and equally strong because of it. Siri is a slave for Caesar’s Legion and given that she’s also a woman its not hard to guess what that entails. There’s been moments in video games where I’ve cried or felt disgusted and scared but when Siri warns a female legion courier about what legion men do and what they’ve been saying about her it makes me so... I dont even know how to put it into words(as my feelings on this topic are much harder to pin down and articulate compared to betsy). Even if you’re aiding the very men who are doing the awful things to her and the other women she doesn’t want you to experience what she’s gone through. She’ll warn the courier of what the legioners say about her of what they want to do and it’s just... god. I realize this isnt very well put together but its hard to know what to say about Siri other than she fucks me up. I realize there isn’t much of a thesis to this post but if there was it would be that I feel very seen by these women, and their stories and experiences manage to affect and move me greatly, while not being profoundly irritating and disgusting like so many other rape stories(especially written by male authors) are.

oh boy

do I just enjoy this sort of thing (characterization in translation)

I saw the English translations’ images first and just had a feeling that Xiao’s last comment felt odd even without knowing the Chinese text

“So you’ll have to help me appreciate it”? Haha, what an interesting choice of words

I like their outfits though. Xiao’s outfit is very sleek and I like how the design of his tattoo (? marking?) is shown on the sleeve and expands to the chest part of his shirt. Anemo character, likes the dizi（笛子）, hence… either a dizi or a xiao (箫, another type of Chinese flute）? Makes sense. He’s holding it more vertically though. Might be a xiao (played vertically), compared to the horizontal dizi, but I can’t be sure.

And Tartaglia’s outfit is just, show-off-ish bastard sort of look. The amount of red is almost like he’s bleeding out. I quite like the subtle Hydro-symbol-like design though. Oh he’s the only one with an electric instrument because… Electro Delusion, right... Sounds from the electric guitar can be loud, sharp, and distorted (kinda like Tartaglia himself… I guess?) Not that (the in-game version of) “Wrath of the Monoceros Caeli” has an electric guitar (it’s probably a synthesized sound, unless I’m mistaken?)

It’s not even connected to an amp; that’s thing’s not gonna make loud enough sounds but an Electro Delusion can probably power an electric guitar haha. So egoistic that he can power his own instrument or something (baseless headcanon)

Also, it seems he’s holding a white pick between his fingers on his right hand (though the pose makes it hard to see. If he’s not careful he’d drop it easily.) He better not drop it during performance else it’d be quite the performance to see him fingerpick an electric guitar or scramble sweep low on the ground dramatically to find the pick

What sort of dramatic thing might he say…

-

Tartaglia stops and scans the ground mid-rehearsal.

Tartaglia: Heh, the only thing that brought clarity to this distorted sound is now lost? It’s like my blade suddenly dulled. What a bore! (Walking around the stage while referring to the pick.) Reveal yourself! So I can sharpen my sound again. I don’t care for the distortion, but losing the pick is like losing my weapon, and unfortunately this can’t be solved with Riptide. Even with six strings I can’t draw it like a bow, not that the pick would be an arrow, but of course if I wield it the right way anything can be a—

Xiao tosses him a small bag of picks.

Xiao: Lose not the sight of it. Boring mortal.

Tartaglia: Hmph. Xiao-shangxian, I’d say you look down on—

Zhongli: Please refrain from speaking and continue the rehearsal.

-

His outfit has so many metal bits if he moves around too much (he probably would) it’d make so many sounds. Distracting guitarist Tartaglia annoying the hell out of half the group

Do you agree w/ the fandom interpretation that john was so homophobic he’d have beaten up and abandoned his sons for being gay? Cause sure, he grew up in the 60s as a mechanic and then later became a marine during the vietnam war, but i also don’t think homophobia would’ve necessarily been a priority for him? Like obviously he’s not gonna be the full on supportive and politically correct loving dad, but i think that the fandom’s general opinion on that is pretty warped by people’s relationships w/ their own fathers

I do think this is one place where people tend to project. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that; working out our issues through fiction is healthy and good! I don’t think there’s any canon proof of it beyond, as you said, him being a marine from the sixties who would probably not be super knowledgeable about being queer, maybe a little apprehensive about it from what he’s absorbed through the culture he grew up in. I think we’d be correct to point out that if Sam or Dean were queer, he might be uncomfortable about it, he might try to avoid the topic, which is in of itself hurtful.

The thing about me is: I fully disagree that John was ever physically abusive towards his kids. At most, I will bend this interpretation to say he was probably too harsh on them while teaching them to fight and that maybe he and Sam have traded blows before when arguments got too loud (by blows, I mean, probably shoving with the yelling, you know, assertion of physical space. It seems realistic to me that two people who have been using violence for a long time to protect themselves, and for John, his family, down to the hierarchal power he’s put in place of him -> Dean -> Sam, would resort to it when things got too heated.)

(I also think that sometimes fandom’s insistence that John had to be physically abusive can sometimes get a little insulting because it perpetuates the idea that emotional abuse does less harm and can be overlooked and for flattening out John’s character in a way the show very literally pointed to and said He Did Not Do That. This is the entire point of Max’s episode in s1, for the show to point out that their experiences of abuse were different. How well it was handled is arguable, but I take it as clear evidence that when we talk about John’s relationship with his sons, the focus should be on the emotional abuse, the codependency he developed with Dean from a very young age, his neglect of them both, his attempts to suppress Sam, etc. And I appreciate this about the show, because you can’t talk about any of those things without also talking about why they’re happening, why John thinks this is necessary, how he loves his sons and isolates them to protect them and ends up doing more and more damage that will never leave them through their entire lives.

I’m sure there’s depictions of John being physically abusive that handle it with the same amount of nuance that the show handles him being emotionally abusive in canon. I have not seen them, unfortunately. I’ve seen John being physically abusive 90% of the time just being used as shorthand for him being Bad and Evil and A Terrible Father. Which does not interest me. So I will remain here as a staunch defender of He Would Not Fucking Hit His Kids.)

Sorry, okay, we got off topic there this is about gay shit.

The point of All Of That was for me to be able to say, John’s not going to react to his sons being queer by beating them. He’s definitely not going to abandon them. Hello? John Winchester? Abandon his kids? John Winchester, the guy who has been keeping them in warded up motel rooms their whole lives and moving them across the country out of paranoia the demon who killed his wife could find them if they say anywhere too long? John Winchester who only trusted one or two people to ever look after his sons when he went on a hunting trip too long? We think that John would ditch his kid because they’re queer???

Like I said, I think the most realistic reaction for John, (if not just flat out him going ‘that’s fine, now load this gun while I time you because that’s more important for me to know that you can do’, because. He kind of has bigger priorities to worry about here. Like werewolves.) would be discomfort and pushing it out of his view, ignoring it. Which would still fucking hurt! And would have horrible effects on Sam and Dean both, would encourage Dean to repress it if he thinks his dad is ashamed of him, would push Sam away if he trusts John with this fact about himself and can’t be accepted easily.

I just think this is truer to John’s character.

Anyway. If nothing else here persuades anyone reading that John Would Not Fucking Do That, well. He thought his kid was demonspawn, remember? He thought Sam was corrupted and might not be able to be saved. I don’t think you can get more clear queercoding than that, and you know what John’s very telling response was to that information, to finding out something a thousand times more terrifying than Sam being gay ever could be? To refuse to look at it. To insist to himself that whatever Hell wanted with Sam, he wouldn’t let it happen. To tell Dean to take care of it, because even when John is certain that his son might literally become a demon, he could never bring himself to pull the trigger on him. Because he loves Sam.

So like. He literally would not do anything for the much smaller realization that Sam is gay. His son has demon blood that might turn him super evil, and John still wouldn’t hurt him.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is, I try to keep the fact that John loved his sons at the forefront of my mind when I’m writing stuff about him, because I think if you let that slide out of your head, you can very easily make him much worse, much more flat than he was in canon. The real picture of him is just an extremely flawed man in a terrible situation who fucks up his kids as much as he protects them.

And also he wouldn’t care about them being gay because JohnAzazel real and true and they fucked sloppy in that hospital basement-

Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh today I've been constantly experiencing the urge to un-private today-in-the-devildom & start writing for it again

I love how silly and goofy everyone is in FE Engage, I played it on a whim and fell in love with Fire Emblem again, idc what other people say, Alear is a sweetheart and they’re just a lil’ fella like just a tiny critter who wants their friends to be happy and I love her so much she’s just so huggable and squishable she might be one of my favorite protags, if not my favorite FE protag at the least