So I was thinking about this the other day but I feel like the Carry On series by Rainbow Rowell is the only piece of magic media I’ve read or watched where I felt we were given a genuine sense of what different magical strength levels look like

So often if I read or watch something with people that do magic there are always conversations about how powerful someone is but when it’s people shooting fireballs at each other or just making something happen, I can’t tell if that’s a big deal or not because all of the characters just do that

People mention it a lot with the Vampire Diaries show where they constantly had The Strongest Witch Ever and then No Wait Actually This Is The Strongest Witch Ever No Wait Actually It’s This One but they all just seemed to yell and fling magic power at stuff and it all comes off as being the same as anything else, I have no gauge for what is normal when everyone is like that

I read part of the ACOTAR series and that was something that bugged me. I know for the books themselves they’re meant to be sexy wish fulfillment but from a world building perspective you can’t introduce everyone as the strongest magical person ever, except for this person who is even stronger, except for this person who is even stronger, without ever actually saying what normal magic does. Like cool most people have one power gem thing and these guys have 10, I don’t know what that means because I don’t know what the other people do. Awesome that this guy can do all those crazy magic things but he’s just standing there and effortlessly making it happen, I have no idea how cool that’s supposed to be because I don’t know what a regular person does

Harry Potter at the beginning did it a bit but it was more in a “the more you say the spell right the better your thing floats” in the first book but from there again it was just sort of stuff was as strong as the plot needed it to be. Hell the entire last book had a macguffin that was the strongest wand ever and I never really could tell what it did better than a normal wand. Like we find out in the third book that a guy blew up an entire neighborhood with magic and he was just a guy, what exactly does the super special ultra wand do that’s so much better?

But with Carry On I felt like it went out of its way to consistently show what different power levels did and looked like. Simon uses a spell to make a crashed car disappear and accidentally makes the whole road disappear, we see what the effect of Baz using his magic on the dragon is and then how it changes when Simon powers him up, we get specific descriptive differences. And again certain characters being stronger than others is important like the other stories but we see people of different levels doing the same thing so when you are told Simon is crazy powerful you understand what they mean because you see what a normal powerful person can do, a normal person, and a less powerful person so you can actually compare and get a sense of what being powerful actually means

false god

PAIRING harry styles x reader

SUMMARY harry’s having trouble finding enough time to spend with y/n, even after she drops everything and joins him on tour. when they talk, they only seem to argue. when they don’t, they only seem to fuck.

WARNINGS she’s an angsty one— lots of miscommunication, poorly executed arguments, and general couple fighting content. BUT!! there is lots of really cute fluff at the end :> also, beware of smutty content such as soft!dom harry (my favorite), oral (f!receiving, implied m!receiving), unprotected p in v, a brief hesitation to get naked on y/n’s part, an even more brief mention of bondage play, harry leaves like one love bite, and tooth-rotting holding each other while having sex content. lmk if i missed anything!

WORD COUNT 5.5k

AUTHOR’S NOTE fun fact this was supposed to be done months ago and then literally everything that could have gotten in my way did just that. but she’s here now!! writing this was a challenge but i feel so good about it now that it’s complete and i can’t wait for you all to read it. please lmk you enjoyed by leaving feedback and/or reblogging!! special thanks to @cherryjuiceblues for beta reading for me <3 ily <3

LOVER SELECTION one-shots here.

copyright © sleepyhollands. all rights reserved. || my masterlist.

“harry, it doesn’t matter if—”

“it does to me!”

“hey, there are two people in this relationship, you know.”

“yeah, an‘ one of ’em feels like right shit on what’s meant to be the greatest tour of his life! doesn’t that mean anythin‘ to you?”

“of course it does, i just—”

“really? ’cause y’could’ve fooled me, love.”

“harry, i swear, if you interrupt me one more time, i’m booking the next flight home.” 

… tour had been going really well for harry! he was playing back to back sold out shows in some of the biggest cities in the world, with adoring fans lining up by the thousands, itching to hear him sing live. he’d already had some really sweet interactions on stage, and no crazy mishaps had occurred (he was especially proud of himself for having ensured everyone’s safety so far). just in the last week alone, he’d been nominated for three different awards for his newest album and performances. anyone could see that he was living a dream— the dream, really. the kind that only comes true once in a blue moon. 

and yet… tour had been going really poorly for harry. now, he doesn’t like to complain about much; he knows just how fortunate he is, and actively tries to see the bigger picture when frustrated. but it was really hard to zoom out of his particular situation when he was so zeroed in on a particular aspect that had been bugging him for weeks— y/n. 

don’t get him wrong! y/n herself wasn’t what was bothering him. it was more so her presence, and his… lack thereof. 

if there’s one thing harry prides himself on more than anything, it’s being an attentive lover— even in the most innocent and platonic of ways. he tries his absolute hardest to be a supportive brother, a considerate son, a (hopefully) decent role model to those who look up to him, and especially a present, loving boyfriend. and for the most part, he’s just as successful in those aspects as he is in his career. in fact, y/n regularly speaks of how harry treats her like she hangs the stars in the sky just for him, how he makes her feel like the most special girl in the world. 

but this tour was taking its toll, and harry was taking it out on y/n. he’s never been great at communicating everything in the most positive of ways— that’s where he turns to songwriting— and he’d let his emotions get the better of him after letting them build up for the past couple of weeks. he wasn’t proud of himself, but he needed an outlet. 

harry didn’t mean to start the fight. but when y/n asked him where he’d been after a last minute management meeting following that night’s show kept him an extra half hour later than he said he’d be, it was like all the frustration just erupted. inadequacy is one of his least favorite feelings (next to loneliness), and being a barely-there or only-sometimes-there boyfriend couldn’t be more of a trigger for that particular emotion. 

now here they were, vexation filling the tour bus around them like a fog they could barely see through, inhaling it with every breath and releasing it back into the atmosphere surrounding them. harry huffed out a sigh, arms crossed and brow furrowed as he angrily looked out the window of the tour bus to distract himself for a moment, having to mentally step away from the argument at hand, even if just for a few seconds. watching as the dark streets outside shined with the headlights of other vehicles, he found himself wishing he were in one of them. it would be nice to be in a car alone, nothing but his thoughts and some music to keep him company. 

but he had real company. she was standing not six feet away from him, emulating his defensive position with her arms drawn across her own chest, jaw clenching and relaxing every other moment. when he finally turned to look at her again, he exhaled loudly. 

“we were crazy to think that this could work,” he mumbled, barely audible to y/n, but she was able to make it out. 

even when they fought, the girl seemed to be in sync with him, inhaling deeply, subconsciously countering his previous expulsion of breath. the yin to his yang.

“what are you talking about?”

harry groaned at her words. how didn’t she get this? “y/n, i’m never around! i wake up when you’re still asleep, prepare for the day, go to the venue, help set up the stage, sound check, rehearse a bit, and then ’m off t’go get ready for a show that lasts two hours. almost each night! i come back exhausted and aching to sleep! where d’you see yourself fitting in there?”

when y/n realized it was her turn to speak again, she said, “first off, do you think you could please calm down a little? i can’t talk to you when you’re like this.”

his eyes narrowed. “like what?”

“when you’re acting like a child, harry! i mean, for god’s sake, i’m not nine! i can handle hanging out on my own for a few days at a time and just getting to cuddle with you at night until you have a day off. it’s not like i don’t have things to do throughout the day, too.”

while harry tended to say things he didn’t exactly believe in the heat of the moment, y/n meant every word she uttered. she really was content relaxing in the tour bus or a hotel room taking care of work on her laptop, catching up on new episodes of her favorite shows, or even going out to explore whatever new city they were in by herself. harry had breaks between show days once or twice a week, and the thought of having those days to themselves was enough to sate her desire to spend time with him. it annoyed her that he didn’t understand that, as she’d never been the clingy type and was always very self-sufficient. 

“oh, i’m acting like a child, am i? right, i didn’t realize that wanting t’be present in my relationship with my girlfriend was childish, but hey, you learn something new every day, i s’pose.” 

oh, y/n was really starting to seethe now. letting her arms fall to her sides with a frustrated puff, she began again. 

“god, harry, you’re not childish for wanting to spend time together! i’m saying you need to realize that i’m perfectly capable of waiting for your days off to really spend time with you. you’re acting like we can’t function without each other!”

“the whole idea of you comin‘ on tour with me was to have this time together, y/n,” harry fired back. “if we’re barely going to get to see each other anyways, then what’s the bloody point?”

…

harry might have spoken too soon. at least, that’s what he thought as he laid overtop y/n on the tour bus couch, because now the point might very well be getting to just feel her lips on his every now and again. 

it was late; harry had just come back from a show. usually, he’s too tired to do anything but crash onto a cloud-like mattress after all the jumping around he does on that stage, but this time all he wanted was his girl. it’d started innocently enough, with harry pulling y/n into his lap on the worn, red leather of the couch. his hands roamed along her hips and down to her waist beneath her soft hoodie (which wasn’t even technically her’s, but is it really theft if harry just leaves his clothes lying around for her to nab?), exploring the soft expanse of her skin, not straying any lower. her own hands were hidden in his curls, lightly scratching at his scalp in what she hoped were soothing motions. 

harry knew he was done for once he initiated the kiss. tentative at first, he pressed light pecks along the corner of her mouth, quick and feathery, like he didn’t really care if he got to kiss her so much as he got to hold her, or simply be with her. but soon, the eagerness set in, like he wasn’t sure when the next time he’d get to have her was, and suddenly he was capturing her mouth with his own, barely giving her a chance to breathe as he tasted her. while harry never really believed in a higher power, he could have sworn he found religion in her lips. 

things only escalated from there. it wasn’t long before harry was wrapping his muscular arms around y/n, so tight that he accidentally squeezed too hard, earning a squeak from the girl. he muttered a hushed but sincere “’m sorry, darling,” to compensate. one hand supported her head, the other splayed across her back as he laid her against the cushions so that he could keep loving on her on the way down. he relished her little whimpers that she tried so hard to suppress, grinning against her jawbone, her neck, any skin he came across on his journey south to more pressing territory. 

harry didn’t bother removing y/n’s hoodie, opting instead to push it up past her naval in favor of gaining access to the waistband of her fluffy sleep shorts. he felt her hands tighten their grip ever so slightly on his shoulders as he hooked his fingers under it, relaxing again when he rubbed the pad of his thumb delicately along her hipbone, reminding her it was only him. 

it was a thing with y/n. she loved harry, of course she did, and she trusted him more than anyone. and maybe it was the way she was brought up, or perhaps a few poor experiences with sexual partners in the past, but there was always a fleeting moment of anxiety before shedding the clothing barrier before sex. like dipping a toe into a cold lake and hesitating a little, then ultimately deciding that jumping in wouldn’t be so bad. 

harry never pried. the first few times they’d slept together, he noticed her nerves, and asked her if she was sure she wanted to continue. y/n had said yes each time, and after a while, he stopped asking. but still, whenever he noticed that brief nervous shift, harry gave her a chance to change her mind. 

this time, he bided his time by sponging tender kisses right above where his fingers were still half hidden under her shorts. he wanted her to feel safe, and taken care of, and he hoped his gentle touches and even breathing could remedy her anxiety. as he waited, harry’s mind drifted…. he was getting lost in the feel of her soft skin, its dips and curves and blemishes. he thought about her waist, how his hands fit so perfectly against its sides; her tummy, and how the muscles there jolted when he tickled them; and her hips… god, if y/n’s body was a church, her hips could be the altar. harry was ready to say a prayer right then, thanking every higher power for blessing him with this gorgeous girl—

“harry?” his love’s melodic voice interrupted his thoughts, and harry’s eyes snapped up to meet hers, his nose continuing to skim just above her navel. “um… you can keep going. please.” 

the corner of harry’s mouth quirked upward, and y/n could have sworn she caught a glimpse of mischief in the jade of his irises, but it was gone in an instant, as he wasted no time in stripping her of her bottoms.

…

“god, h-harry,” panted y/n, her grip on his curls constricting with every lick to her core, “’s so good, oh—”

“would feel even better if y’stopped trying t’run away from me, wouldn’t it? don’t wanna have to tie you down.”

y/n couldn’t help it! it wasn’t her fault if harry’s tongue was just too good and her body’s natural reaction was to attempt to escape his grip for a little relief. if anything, he should be happy— they’d been at this for so long y/n lost count of the minutes, and after two toe-curling orgasms, one would think harry’s jaw could use a break. 

but that thought flew out the window when y/n remembered who she was metaphorically in bed with. 

“’m sorry…,” she whimpered, gripping the side of the couch cushion as her eyes squeezed shut.

“don‘ have to be sorry, darling,” harry mumbled against her folds, chin glistening with her arousal as he placed a soft kiss to y/n’s clit, making her jolt in his hold. he breathed a short laugh, adjusting his arms so that one held her upper thigh next to his head, while the other pinned her hips to the red leather, restricting her ability to move. “jus’ wanna make you feel as good as possible, is all. will y’let me?”

harry turned his head, nipping at the inside of the girl’s thigh, and she gasped at the brief assault on the softest skin of her body, now adorning the mark of his front teeth that she loved so much. she shuddered a breath as best she could, and harry could tell by the way her knuckles were turning white in their grip on the couch that she was trying her best to be good. feeling a twinge of guilt, he figured maybe he should offer her a second to breathe. y/n opened her eyes when she felt harry’s lips retreat from her aching cunt and the weight of his head rest against the love bite. 

“hey.”

y/n cast her gaze down upon the boy (who looked far too innocent, considering what they were doing) with his cheek laid on her inner thigh, stray hairs tickling her just a tad. playfulness swam in his eyes, but there was an underlying current of concern. 

“doin‘ okay?”

she nodded, gulping. harry noticed. 

“because we can take a break if you want to. just say the word, okay?”

“i will, i-i promise. but… can you please keep going?”

that was all he needed to get right back into it, only with even more fervor than before. when y/n reached her third and final peak of the night, her whole body shook, and harry had the pleasure of getting to watch as he helped her ride out her high. he almost came in his pants, rutting his hips into the sofa, moaning against her core, begging her give it t’me, love, that’s it.

harry pulled back when she started pushing at his head, whining for relief as he gave one final lap at her core. he grinned at her fucked-out figure as he wiped his face on his forearm, then took her hand that had been grasping at the cushion in one of his, bringing the back of it to his lips for a gentle kiss. 

“feel all right, baby?”

“mhm,” she hummed between heaving breaths, glancing at what she assumed could only be a quite painful stiffy between his legs as he sat up, “do you?”

harry followed her line of vision, offering her a chuckle and an i’m fine, using his free hand to smooth his thumb along her brow. before he could even register it, her palm slipped from the grip of his other hand and traveled down to rub against the bulge in his pants, earning a sharp hiss from her boyfriend and a deep groan soon after. 

“why don’t you let me repay the favor?”

…

harry was pretty sure y/n was asleep. if she wasn’t, she was definitely on the verge— her breaths were deep and even as she laid in his hold, her head on his chest, ear pressed overtop his steadily beating heart. and who could blame her? the evening’s activities had worn her out, which meant harry had done his job properly. he was more than happy to be wide awake, running his fingertips up and down her arm, inhaling the sweet scent of her fruity body wash while she dreamt if it meant she was rested and content and happy. 

moments like these made harry think they could get away with it. the long hours spent apart, the hectic schedules, the fighting. sure, it was tough, and yes, they both had a temper that rivaled one another’s for the ‘least amount of patience award’ on any given day. but every missing ounce of patience was compensated by double its weight in love. they loved one another enough to make it work. 

they could make this work. 

right?

…

“jesus, harry, how do you think that makes me feel? you’d honestly rather i not be here? are you actually that insecure?”

“c’mon, y/n, you know tha’s not what i meant.”

y/n felt like they were going around in circles, having the same fight over and over again. only this time, the couple found themselves in a beautiful hotel room, with a beautiful view overlooking a beautiful city. and instead of getting to enjoy it, y/n was glaring at harry though the vanity mirror, his back facing her as he tamed his wild curls for tonight’s show… which he had to leave for in just a few short minutes. 

the balled up fist on y/n’s hip flew up to her face, fingers flexing to pinch at the bridge of her nose as her eyes squeezed shut for a moment. 

“i can’t believe this. i dropped everything to be here with you— to support you on the most incredible tour of your career— and instead of being happy i’m here as opposed to the alternative of thousands of miles away in a different time zone for months, you’re sitting here bitching about being too tired?” 

harry sighed deeply, only infuriating y/n more. “you’re missing the point. ’s not that i don’t want you here, or just that ’m too tired. ’s knowing you’re sitting around by yourself, waiting on me while ’m working, when you could be out with friends and family, or sleeping in the comfort of your own bed—”

“that you’re not in!” the girl loudly interjected— how didn’t he get this? “i put all those things aside for us, har. it’s not like i’m leaving my life behind for years. christ’s sake, the tour is over in two months! but somehow, being away from my home and routine is easier than being in the same room as you right now.”

harry contemplated his next words carefully, turning them over in his head a few times and editing any obvious mistakes, leaving the pair of them to marinate in suffocating silence for a good ten or so seconds before he finally spoke. 

“y/n… i can’t be a good boyfriend and a serious artist simultaneously, okay? not while ’m on tour. i can’t keep losing sleep over how well i’m balancing—”

“okay, you know what, harry? you know what? maybe you should just leave me, then. wouldn’t that be easier? you’d be able to sleep better at night, right?”

they both knew she didn’t mean it, though harry couldn’t lie and say it didn’t hurt to hear. but she was pissed, and harry knew better than to try to reason with her when she was like this. 

when she realized he wasn’t going to respond, instead electing to stare brokenly into the mirror, she continued. “you know damn well how hard i work for this relationship. i’ve flown across the oceans that have separated us, driven for hours just to get to see you for, like, one— hell, i’ve skipped some of my most important classes so we could go to shitty dive bars in the middle of the day together! yeah, remember that? i love you, okay? people who love each other are supposed to be grateful for any time they have together at all, no matter if it’s every day or once a year.”

y/n took a breath, finally cooling down after her heated rant. she took a moment to take in the sight of her boyfriend, dressed so vibrantly, feeling anything but. 

“they warned us about times like this,” the defeated tone of y/n’s whisper was enough to finally get harry to say something. 

“what was that, love?”

the girl swallowed the little saliva in her mouth before speaking up a mere decibel. “remember what my parents said? ‘the road gets hard, and you get lost when you’re led by blind faith,’” she imitated her father’s deep voice, and if not for the circumstances, harry might’ve laughed. 

they weren’t lost, were they?

…

if there was such a thing as heaven on earth, y/n is pretty sure she’s been there. in fact, she goes there whenever harry so much as touches her. 

when he kisses her shin as they lay watching a movie together on the couch, pulling her leg up off his lap and craning his neck downward to meet it in the middle. when he runs his fingers down the bridge of her nose, making an exaggerated boop! noise once he reaches the tip, gently pressing against it like a doorbell. and especially when he has her like this. 

harry’s arms felt secure wrapped around y/n’s torso, her hips moving back and forth atop his own. the feeling of his cock twitching and shifting inside her while her nipples rub deliciously along his chest made her dizzy, like she had just gotten off a loopy rollercoaster. harry’s back arched just slightly off the plush mattress of their hotel suite’s bed when y/n gave a little bounce, arms constricting around her and forcing a pleased sigh to fall from her lips. 

the girl hid her face in the crook of his neck, and harry could feel each and every hot breath against his skin. lost in pleasure, he let his large hands migrate from her hips down to her bum, where he gave a small pinch to the flesh, eliciting a yelp and a small jolt from y/n. 

“sorry, baby,” he laughed, “couldn’t help m’self.” harry gently flattened his palm against the now tender skin, rubbing there softly in an attempt to soothe the little ache he left. when he felt satisfied, he shifted to rubbing between her shoulder blades instead, his other arm still wrapped around her lower back as she returned to her previous rhythm above him. 

y/n could tell harry was enjoying himself. his groans alone were evidence enough, not to mention the little utterances of “shit, darling,” and “so good t’me,” he frequently let slip. but perhaps he just needed a bit more to reach his high, because without warning his hands were on her thighs, gripping tightly as he began to thrust upwards into her at a much quicker pace than she had originally set— it had her seeing stars in a matter of mere seconds. 

“oh, god— harry,” y/n gasped out, gripping the edge of the plush pillow by harry’s ear. she could feel him hitting that special spot inside her with every snap of his hips, and she couldn’t stop her eyes from rolling back into her head, muscles tightening all throughout her body. 

“almost there, angel… just…,” harry’s thrusts began to slow, becoming more deliberate, and now he was moving her hips to grind against his each time they met, sending y/n over the edge. 

y/n’s moans were long and drawn out as she came, body spasms making her hold on more tightly to harry for stability. she didn’t even hear him finish, too busy reveling in the euphoric feeling of cumming in his arms, surrounded by warmth and love and feeling the safest she had in a long while. 

it was moments like these where y/n couldn’t fathom how she’s ever been upset with harry. he was perfect, lying here under her unsteady body, breathing deeply not only to catch his breath, but to take in the smell of her. she wanted this for eternity. and if this was heaven, then surely hell was when they fought with each other. 

…

y/n thought she was dreaming at first, not used to being roused from her slumber by anything other than her well-timed alarm and the occasional bark of a dog on a nearby street. she expected that after blinking the sleep from her eyes a few times, the vague image of her favorite boy would dissipate, and she’d fall back into the comfort of her warm pillow. but when she squeezed them shut once, then twice, and her boyfriend’s face was still a foot away from her’s, brushing his fingertips up her nose and along her brow, she set aside her exhaustion in exchange for confusion.

now, harry knew better than to wake y/n up. in most circumstances, she’d tell him off, or gently kick at him to get him to leave her alone. he found it rather endearing, and it’s one of the reasons he’s so protective of her in her sleep— always holding her close to keep her safe, shielding her eyes from any light intruding on the space she lay, making sure both their phones were set to ‘do not disturb.’ but he had to make an exception, just this once. 

“darling,” she barely registered his whisper, “wake up f’me, please?”

a whine fell from y/n’s lips, her eyes scrunching shut as she turned her body away from him, which harry knew was code for let me sleep, for fuck’s sake! a smile graced his lips at the action, jotting down a mental note to make this up to her later. 

compensating for the newfound distance between them, harry scooted closer to her. he kneeled on the floor next to the bed, close to the pillows she rested upon. he laid one arm against the mattress, perching his chin on the back of his wrist. using his free hand, he continued to brush his fingertips lightly against his love’s cheek, her jaw— all along her face, really. god, her loves her face so much.  

“please, baby?”

harry had just come back from one of his best performances yet— the crowd’s energy was unmatched, the chemistry between him and his band members was palpable, and he’d managed to not get hit with any flying objects all night! but what really did it for him was the fan project he was surprised with at the end of the show. thousands of people in the room wore light-up bracelets that shone pink and blue during one of his favorite songs, ‘love of my life.’ if harry’s heart had been any more full in that moment, it might’ve exploded right there in his chest. 

he had been on cloud nine for a moment. but soon, realization washed over him in a way that squeezed at his lungs, stealing his breath for a second. the love of his life was somewhere miles away, probably sitting in their hotel room watching a comfort film, oblivious to anything he was feeling on that stage. he just wanted to go home to her and gush about what had happened, and how he wished she’d been there, and how it made so much sense that it would happen during ‘love of my life’ because it was the perfect representation of the amount of love he had for his, and how if she’d have been there, he would have looked directly at her and smiled the whole time. 

it made him realize how bloody stupid he was.

in retrospect, the conversation he’d needlessly just woken y/n up for could have waited until morning. but then harry wouldn’t have been able to sleep if he didn’t tell her he was sorry right away. 

a groan sounded through the room, followed by the ruffling of bedsheets as the girl turned back over to glare annoyedly at harry. he let out a soft laugh at her behavior. 

“’m sorry, baby. know you jus‘ wanna sleep right now, but ’s it okay if we talk for a mo‘?”

“now?” y/n asked in a gravelly voice.

“now, m‘ love.”

with a soft sigh, she relented, sitting up and rubbing the sleep from her eyes with her knuckles. harry caught the motion, bringing his hands up to pull hers away from her face. he didn’t like when y/n did that, as she always managed to do it too roughly. instead, he held her smaller hands in his own, getting up to sit on the edge of the bed, facing her. 

“what is it?” y/n asked through a yawn. harry looked at her for a moment— really looked at her— before responding.

“i’m sorry.”

it took her a moment to register his words. “for waking me up?”

harry laughed that dreamy laugh she loved so much, and it almost made up for the fact that she was up at twelve thirty in the morning. “no, y’little minx. not for that. well, yes, for that, but that’s not what i meant.”

“what are you sorry for, then?” 

harry looked at her with an expression y/n couldn’t place. it look him a few beats to speak. “i… i’m sorry i was such a prick before. i love that you’re here, an‘ that i get t’see you when i’m off. know you put aside a lot for this, an‘ i ruined it with m’own problems. didn’t mean to.”

y/n’s features softened at the boy’s sincerity, and if it weren’t for the warmth his hands encapsulating hers provided, she’d have reached out and held his face, peppering kisses over every dip and curve. 

“i know you didn’t…. i’m sorry, too.”

“for what?”

“i should’ve listened better. you were trying to tell me how you felt and i just disregarded it. that wasn’t very nice of me, either.”

the right corner of harry’s lips tugged upwards, morphing his mouth into that little half-grin y/n adored so much. “think we can get past it, darling?”

the girl scooted forward the tiniest bit, harry’s magnetic pull too hard to resist. though they were the only two in the room, she whispered, “i’ll forgive you if you forgive me.” harry liked how she made something so simple sound like a secret deal between them.

harry’s half-smile quickly quirked up, completing itself, and y/n swooned over his dimples and adorable bunny teeth. a short and quiet breath of a laugh fell past his lips, and for a moment, he just looked at her. but his gaze caught a glimpse of uncertainty in her eyes, and his grin faltered a bit. 

y/n was always good at hiding her true emotions when she wanted to. not when it really mattered, don’t get her wrong— she wasn’t one to take anyone’s shit. but at dinner with her parents or meetings at work, she was able to pretend she wasn’t exhausted or annoyed. it never worked with harry, though. he could read and understand her like his own lyrics, and tonight was no exception. he saw through the mask of humor at her uncertainty, and a pang of guilt bloomed in his chest. 

he let out a sigh as he beckoned her forward by gently tugging her hands, still in his, toward him. “c’mere, baby,” he said softly, pulling his love into his lap. y/n curled into him, knees tucked upward into her chest as his strong arms found purchase around her frame, holding her tenderly but securely. one of harry’s large hands held the back of her head against him, her ear right over his heart, listening to it beat for her. 

“love you like crazy. you’ve no idea.” he peppered light kisses to the top of her head, so softly she might’ve missed one or two. “thank you for comin‘ an‘ s’porting me. means the world, honestly.” 

“i’m happy to be anywhere with you, har,” she replied in a voice honey-thick with sleep. “even if it’s just for a few minutes. always so happy to have you.”

harry closed his eyes, laying back into the pillows, bringing y/n down with him so that she was laying overtop his sturdy body, inhaling his every exhale. 

“you have me,” he said, though he was almost certain she didn’t hear him, likely already pulled into the void of sleep, drawn in by the comfort of harry’s arms, his smell, him. 

“you’ll always have me.”

taglist (final time using the old one, see new link in bio): @fahsey @caswinchester2000 @lmaotshollandd @jackiehollanderr @nervousdadmode @amii-nyc @skitmix @auggie2000 @voguesir @yourgoldengirls @hunnybunimdun @lolooo22 @atoris-fantasy

Well, I did it. I went back and played Skyrim’s big DLC campaigns, and thankfully I finished it before 2024. I’ve got some thoughts, and many of them are negative.

But first, some background.

I got Skyrim around launch after getting an XBOX 360 for Christmas when my college roommate shocked the world by dropping out. A friend of mind recommended Skyrim, and it was my first Elder Scrolls game and first big RPG (aside from Two Worlds, which barely ran on the family PC and therefore doesn’t count). I loved it, as many did in those days, because it was a pretty big deal in 2011.

I would later get Hearthfire (it was the cheapest) and I liked that a lot, too. I miss that character, actually, and his home in Falkreath (RIP Gunnar, I wish I could export your save). I wanted to try Dawnguard and Dragonborne, but it wasn’t to be. I ended up with a copy on PC in 2016 or so and I tried to play through it again, but once I played Witcher 3 I just couldn’t tolerate Skyrim anymore. The reasons are numerous and they’ll come up later.

Recently, I moved my PS4 to my wife and I’s bedroom to facilitate our transition from streaming services to physical media. When we met I had her try Skyrim, her first video game experience like that ever, and it was very funny, so when I bought the PS4 I got handful of games for her to try if she wanted to get better (she would latch on to ESO, by the way), and Skyrim was one. This seemed like a good time to finally get through the DLC that I hadn’t had a chance at.

So, I’ve done it. I did the main quest, the civil war, then Dawnguard and Dragonborne.

The early hours were fun as a nostalgia trip. It had been years, and the rose colored glasses were in full force. But, that didn’t take long to wear off, and I can safely say that Skyrim, while it was revolutionary in 2011, absolutely does not hold up.

It’s ugly, the gameplay is bad, every system is completely mediocre, and the voice acting is poorly directed. The writing is just awful, the quests are forgettable, and it’s mismanaged.

Skyrim has been released on every console since launch and yet some bugs remain. Others have been fixed by modders (for free). There have been no improvements at any level since 2011, with some huge and even game breaking bugs untouched.

This part of the experience frustrates me the most. I hate that I have to rely on unpaid community labor to make this game playable. And, speaking of the community, let’s talk about paid mods and the creation club.

It sucks.

More specifically, it sucks to charge for mods (whose creators were likely not fairly compensated for their work), and it sucks that Sony doesn’t allow custom assets, but it ALSO sucks to bundle mods with the game. Why? Well, because a lot of modded content is only good because it’s a freely available labor of love, but once it becomes an inseparable part of the game it has problems. This is most evident with Saints and Seducers, a mod that’s outrageous and stupid.

In short, Saints and Seducers adds new bandit enemies, items, and pets. But it was clearly made by fans, not professionals, because it commits the cardinal sin of ignoring gameplay restrictions. The pets, for example, cannot be harmed. They are completely untouchable, which becomes a problem when they have bugged dialogue and cannot be dismissed (a bug that has persisted for three years). The items are ugly and out of place with the other weapon and armor sets. Also, it’s extremely stupid for the bandits to be invincible until the player goes across the exact right spot in the bandit camp. All things I expect from a silly mod that never ever should have been bundled with the base game.

And this stuff can’t be removed or disabled. Capital B Bad.

Anyway, I played a sword and board character this time because I’ve always wanted to. It is as unsatisfying as every build, because the combat system is shallow and bad. It wasn’t even good in 2011, really, and it definitely isn’t good now. Not much else to say.

Like all Bethesda games, there’s a thousand different systems but they’re all average. The world design and environments are really solid (except the colors, which are ugly), but everything else is so blah.

The DLCs are fine. The bad writing is back, of course. Dragonborne has some cool Cthulhu ideas and imagery, but the final boss fight is frustrating since the combat system is such a chore already, then it tries to be a multi-stage boss fight and they’re all the same. I always wondered why everyone loved Serana and it turns out it’s really because she’s basically the only NPC in the entire game who gets even a little character building.

Now that I’m finally through this last little chunk I can put Skyrim down for good, though this time without the nostalgia goggles. Considering the proceeding work (Fallout 4, Starfield, etc) I expect the next Elder Scrolls game to similarly be poorly written, badly designed, ugly, and safe. I’m sure it’ll also include the worst base building mechanics ever designed, excessive loading screens, and wooden characters as only Bethesda’s aging and decrepit game engine can provide.

The magic is gone, the ability is gone, and all that’s left is Todd “It Just Works” Howard’s poor design philosophy and Emil “I Can’t Do Branching Quests” completely worthless writing. Starfield was made for 12 year olds and the anodyne tastes of their parents, and ESVI will be the same. I have no faith in the future of Bethesda “RPG” development.

Like I said, mostly negative thoughts. I wish I could say the 31 hours I put into this last foray into Skyrim was worth it, but I’m not really sure it was.

Sherlock rant

I recently rewatched BBC Sherlock for Rupert Graves, and aside from the lack of Lestrade appreciation I have a lot of problems with this series. Here are my thoughts:

1. It was all a blur

My second first impression of the show: I don't remember anything but the characters. And some characters I just blatantly forgot, like Mary. And I loved Mary on my second watch! I really forgot that at one point John actually got married and I don't even remember when I watched the show for the first time. I can still recall most of HIMYM's events and I hated that series.

2. It’s overall not a detective/crime show

Watching Sherlock for the second time, I mostly turned off my brain and just let it play in the background because (1) there's hardly anything for me to solve with the characters, most clues are taken by Sherlock off-screen anyway (especially after season 2), (2) they focus way too much on the quirks of the characters that make it almost like a sitcom that got dragged on for way too long. A crime/detective show shouldn't allow me to turn off my brain.

3. The characters just kinda fall flat

Exploring the depth of human emotions is not a bad approach to a modernized version of anything, I’m not trying to pretend I’m better than someone who gets sentimental over fictional character (if you know my blog at all, you know I am not), but at least write good characters. Sherlock is hardly a multi-faceted person; in fact, he’s kinda like the Wattpad teen fic main character sometimes. He physically fights off some terrorists with a machete to save the damsel in distress? He gets high off his tits but still got everything right all the time? John is just kinda there for most of the cases. Jim is a poorly written antagonist. Irene is a lesbian but gets the hot for our main character, surprise surprise. The only interesting characters to me are the ones who act like normal people: Molly, Greg and Mary. They are the multi-faceted characters, ones who I can actually relate to without feeling inferior to them in any way. Write characters like them, stop trying to be smart about it and stop writing Wattpad fanfictions for Sir Conan Doyle’s original works.

I get that they try to make Sherlock more like a human with emotions, making him quirky and arrogant, then make him quirky and more likable. It’s hardly a convincing character development though. He’s given over-powered deduction skills, so edgy, so high and mighty all the time. When he is finally written as vulnerable, turns out he has plans for that too. I would love to see him get it wrong once and maybe get humbled by that mistake, but getting Mary shot and killed is hardly even his fault, he is only doing his job. And killing off Mary is overall a bad idea anyway.

4. They treated the fandom like shit

I was absolutely disgusted at the start of season 3 when the showrunners just straight up shat on their fans. I wasn't there with the fandom during the wait between season 2 and 3, but I believe it was a pretty long wait (2 years, I could barely wait 2 years for my comfort series, and they have like 10 episodes per season), and they were presented with the first actual mystery of the series: How did Sherlock survive the fall? After years of waiting and having fun theorizing, they were met with a mockumentary about them, starring the most hated character of the protagonist and the fans. Those are the people who actually cared about the show for god's sake. The fact that the showrunners treated fans like crap and there's still an active fandom for the show appalled me.

Now not only The Empty Hearse bugs me, but the entire show does as well.

Allow me to digress.

Doki Doki Literature Club is a great example of audience engagement done right (Sorry for using this example I’m not actually that invested in the other franchises). After the success of the first game, the story provoked so many fans into solving the mysteries of the characters, some of them went really, really far. And that’s because of the actual mysteries that the development team took effort to plant into the plot. There is actual pay-off for painstakingly following the clues; as far as I know, only two (2!) people in the world have come close to solving the mystery of the first game (or they actually did). The game developers value their fans and their intelligence enough to have planted those clues where they did, and it’s a genuine exchange between the fans and the creators. Now even though you haven’t actually played the game, when you hear of the name and you’re only kinda familiar with gaming (like me), you’ll probably know what it is. What started as a mere open-source game by an indie developer became a sensation which left millions of fans begging for more.

Looking back at Sherlock, there are tons of logical flaws for a self-proclaimed crime series, virtually no clues for the audience to solve crimes along with their favorite detective, and when there was actually a mystery (Sherlock jumped off the building), they plainly showed him alive and well minutes later. Do we really need to see things spelled on screen to know what’s going on? Are we supposed to accept that Sherlock Holmes is an all-knowing future-predicting genius now too? Not a great sign of respecting the audience there.

So far, the only thing left that’s interesting about this series is the characters’ dynamic. Which brings me to the next criticism I have for the show.

5. The plague that infested mainstream media

Why is there still an active fandom? Queerbaiting and targeted marketing.

Community marketing is proven to be one of the best marketing methods there is, if not the best, to lengthen the lifespan of a product or service. The way they do that for shows and films and video games is usually by planting seeds of possible lores and history inside the content. Look at Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings, they are franchises that ran for multiple years with a ton of history and world building that provokes fans’ imagination.

Sherlock - well, Sherlock has sexually ambiguous men.

Sherlock has a formula for success. It was an adaptation of the most iconic detective novel in the world, funded by one of the biggest TV networks in the UK and possibly the world (don’t quote me on this). Making this series means you can appeal to such a wide group of audience even before airing. Adding in the quirky smart men who live together, you’ve basically guaranteed a prime-time show with millions of loyal fans all over the world.

Fans are not stupid, and queer people don't just find queerness everywhere they go. They know a gay subtext when they see one. Sherlock came back from the literal death for John, pretty gay if you ask me.

This show is very much not just about some guys being dudes solving crimes, they have relationship that’s deeper than friendship, and definitely not platonic. They deliberately wrote a sexually ambiguous Sherlock Holmes from the get-go - literally from the very first episode, then capitalized off of the targeted demographic, never a pay-off for their anticipation. Martin Freeman said in interviews that he could recognize Sherlock fans, them being generally women from 16 - 25. No shit Sherlock, this show targets them and capitalizes off of them, being quirky and gay as hell, of course the fanbase is generally 16 - 25 and female.

Sherlock queerbaited the fandom for years for the sake of marketing and there’s never a pay-off, nor was there any recognition to the community, and to add to all that bigotry, queercoding pretty much all of the villains? Why was a show aired in the 2010′s allowed to do this? Why did Mark Gatiss, an openly gay man, a writer of the show, allow this to happen? Why are millions of fans all over the world allowing all this to go on?!

6. Conclusion

Now I haven’t read the books yet, so I’m not at all qualified to criticize the adaptation quality of the TV series; I’m just talking about the TV series on its own. Despite my criticism, I think the first two seasons did quite okay. There are quite a few nice cases there, I like The Blind Banker and The Hound of Baskerville. They did those well because the focus was on the cases themselves, and the connection between John and Sherlock was only in the background. I, like many other fans, like to figure things out on my own, to read between the lines, and to not have things spelled out for me. With the next seasons bombarded with Sherlock and John bonding it seriously felt like mere fan service for me and even though I wasn’t there when the show was on, I still felt like I was robbed and my interest in the show was abused.

Sherlock is undoubtedly super influential in pop culture even now. It has to have done something right to be in that spot (capitalizing off loyal fans?). I’m not writing this rant to change someone’s mind about the series, by all means, I’m still gonna love the hell out of Gavin Lestrade, and absolutely lose my mind over Mary Watson. So do take my words with a grain of salt, I’m just disappointed that one of the most influential shows there is is just short of my expectations.

Hi!!! I love how you write Cassian, so I would relly love to see a domestic headcanon for him! Thank you!!!

How could I say no to such a sweet compliment!? 😊😊😊

If they get married, who proposes?: Cassian doesn’t especially seek out marriage. That is, he doesn’t exactly see the point in the institution: The two of you have been together, and already know that you’re going to stay together. For Cassian, there is simply no other. What difference will a ring and a few words make? However, if it’s important to you, then he’ll concede. The indifference works both ways, in all that matters to him is that you’ll still be together. (Though he must admit: A twinge of pride fills him the very moment you became his in an entirely new way.) The proposal was admittedly not necessarily the most romantic, with Cassidy simply stating, “If we’re going to get married, I should at least be certain that this is what you want. With me.” But then again, that’s simply how Cassian is: Straightforward and thorough.

What’s the wedding like? Who attends?: Chances are you got married on the base. Even though plenty of rebels wanted to catch a glimpse of the captain’s wedding, Cassian loathed the idea of being watched and instead requested that it be done in private. Right before a mission. Essentially in a corner amongst a series of corridors in the main building. Not even K2 was told about it, being that he couldn’t be trusted to keep his metal mouth shut on the matter. The only one present was Mon, who gladly officiated the impeccably small affair. Suffice to say, everyone was in varying states of shock when you returned after disappearing for an hour, a simple ring on your left hand. Well, save for Chirrut, who simply smiled knowingly. Once again, it isn’t the most ideal scenario, but it’s probably the best that could be done on such short notice. If you truly wished for a bigger turnout, Cassian would appease you and promise for a larger redo for the others to attend. He doesn’t get it or enjoy the idea, but who is he to rain on his own wedding?

How many kids do they have, if any? What are they like?: Once the dust settles with the war, the two of you have a daughter. It shocks plenty to learn such a smiley and sweet baby could share any kind of DNA with the stoic former captain. Even when she calms down a bit as she ages, it’s hard to see the resemblance personality-wise: Your daughter isn’t as rigid, and is quite resourceful and creative even when it comes to learning defense. It can drive her poor father a little crazy but deep down, he’s proud because he knows in the end, if she keeps this up, she’ll probably never really want for anything.

Do they have any pets?: Does K2 count? Not really, no. There’s a stray cat that sometimes visits the garden of the home you two acquire post-war, but you two haven’t necessarily adopted him. Cassian just sits outside with him sometimes, drinking a hot drink in the mornings.

Who’s the stricter parent?: To no one’s surprise, it’s Cassian. But to to everyone’s surprise, he’s not as hard as anyone would think. Of course, he can be stubborn or overprotective and very insistent on your daughter learning how to fight and build and so on. But beyond that, Cassian isn’t as poorly-suited to fatherhood as one might think. The reality is he was practically wrapped around his daughter’s finger even before she came into this world. He doesn’t necessarily spoil her, but he certainly would make sure she has the life he never had but always dreamed of being able to give others. 

Who kills the bugs in the house?: Cassian, because even after he asks him to, K2 won’t do it.

How do they celebrate holidays?: Considering that a lot of galactic recognized holidays are more or less in celebration of governmental authorities such, you and Cassian don’t really have very many holidays you actually support, much less celebrate. Though, every year, on the date marked as the official end to the war, you both meet up with any remaining members of the Rebellion and hold a feast.

Who’s more likely to convince the other to come back to sleep in the morning?: You are, but it’s still not very likely. Cassian is definitely better about waking up than you are, but your years with the Rebellion have messed with your circadian rhythm something fierce. You still have a tendency to wake up at dawn, convinced you have to get ready for training or tend to some machinery in the hangar. But on the rare occasion you give in and sleepily whimper for him to stay with you, Cassian will not deny you. he could be completely dressed, ready for the day, and still slip back into the sheets with you and hold you for just a little longer. And with his hand rubbing your back in that way you love, you can’t help but fall back to sleep, content in feeling his warmth. Of course, he could easily take this opportunity to try and slip away again. But he doesn’t. So what if he has errands to run and meetings to attend? He’s a war hero, goddammit: He should be allowed time to spend with his beloved.

Who’s the better cook?: You are, but that isn’t saying much. Cassian has an iron stomach, having been raised on rations and all sorts of unfortunate things passing for food. You weren’t a child soldier like himself, so you did have some experience with prepping food before joining the Rebellion. But it wasn’t very much, and you weren’t often assigned to work in the mess hall area enough to further your practices. Plus, the most you all would receive would be ration packs that were quick and extremely simple with little to no prep beyond the utilization of moisture. Still, Cassian eats whatever you put in front of him, knowing that you’re trying your best. The both of you, post-war, do your best to practice your cooking on one another. And between you two, Cassian has gagged far less on what you’ve made than the other way around.

Thanks for asking!

I'd love to hear your thoughts about Cyberpunk 2077 when you are ready/have finished the game. Maybe besides the game itself you have an opinion about the crunch, bugs and general feeling of disappointment in a good portion of the fans

Sure thing. It’s going to be a long write-up and there are going to be spoilers, so you better believe that this is going to have a cut. Reader beware. For context, I have beat the game, and I played it on PC and only on PC.

I’ve been a fan of the cyberpunk genre for a long time. Transhuman and techno-utopian sci-fi always struck me the wrong way; that it was too optimistic and ignored a less savory element of human nature that simply would not go away with the advent of new technologies. While I only briefly dipped my toes in the water of the Cyberpunk tabletop game (I was always a bigger fan of Shadowrun), I did enjoy the genre and was eager to see a AAA cyberpunk game. I also really liked CD Projekt Red with what they did with RPG’s like the Witcher 3. Particularly when it came to the smaller sidequests, they really found a way to bring a lot of noir elements and hard-hitting character moments to the game, and I believed that it could translate very well into a cyberpunk game. After all, noir was a similar response to detective fiction to what the cyberpunk genre was to earlier elements of sci-fi. So I was quite optimistic when it came out. What we got was...well, it didn’t quite meet up with expectations.

There are some good things about the game. Assuming you have a beefy rig, PC cyberpunk looks pretty good. Not only does it look good, but it looks like the dismal 1980′s inspired future that had defined the genre, with its neon lights, omnipresent advertising to the point of satire (amphetamines are available from vending machines in a variety of flavors and commercials are completely ridiculous). The fixers are great examples of different cyberpunk archetypes like Regina Jones being a media or the Padre being an underclass civic leader looking to protect his community with a bit of a violent streak. Plenty of the characters had great personality, the nomads and Panam were enjoyable, Judy had a great questline that detailed optimism and bitter disappointment (and the character looks cool and is a bit of a cinnamon roll), River’s quest was a perfectly serviceable cop questline with enough horror elements, they were all fine. Keanu wasn’t a great voice actor, but he did serviceably and was apparently just wonderful with the staff, so I’m willing to cut him a pass. The level design can encourage a variety of different play styles, with attribute points opening up certain pathways. Given that it’s an open-world sandbox game, the goal should be to immerse yourself in the world, and touch on elements of cyberpunk as you go through the various quests, and you do see some of that. You see the gross exploitations of dolls in the sex trade when you go to Clouds, the bizarre elements of self-expression that new technologies can offer such as the twins in Kabuki, Pacifica is an abandoned recreation ground for the rich with the nice image of rotting Ferris wheels and abandoned malls, and you can see the divide between the have’s and have-not’s on full display both in the opening (compare and contrast the Street Kid with the Corpo beginnings) or take a look at the Peralez’s penthouse apartment versus Judy’s cramped digs. Honestly, one of my favorite things in the game were just the consumables to highlight the different food and drink available to the people of Night City. The heavy population means that foods like fried ants or locust pepperoni are common, amphetamines are available in a variety of flavors, and there are no less than 20 burrito vending machines on every street (the future is not all bad it seems). I like little worldbuilding moments like this in video games because it does give a sense of completion and immersion within the world. I honestly felt bad for Johnny Silverhand, because by the end of the game I had to be a bloated man-ball of Holobites Peach Pie and Cirrus Cola. 

The game even took a few things that had aged poorly in the cyberpunk genre and improved them. The Mox is a gang specifically meant to stop the Disposable Sex Worker trope, it’s small and part of the reason it survives is that it’s small, but it offers a chance of improvement over the exploitation that the Tyger Claws offer. The cyberpyscho quest is probably the best one of this. Earlier Cyberpunk had cyberpsychosis as a serious concern directly correlated with how many implants you got. The Solo archetype even spoke about how you risk losing your humanity with your implants as you became stronger, better, faster. Even later iterations had depersonalization/derealization disorders as people who could see in the dark lost connection to those who couldn’t. A quick thought in our present though, changes this. My eyesight and hearing is just fine, but I don’t lose connection or common empathy with individuals who are blind or deaf. I have two arms and two legs and I have not lost empathy for amputees. Why then, would I lose empathy and connection with someone with average human eyesight after I get my eyes replaced and now I have the ability to see in the dark or have telescopic sight? The cyberpsycho quest actually took this concept to task; cyberpsychos around the city are seen as horrifying threats that need the high-threat response of MaxTac to deal with, but Regina is looking to see if she can cure cyberpsychosis. Mechanically, the cyberpsychos are boss-fights with elements of puzzle gameplay (how to handle the different skillsets that they have) and a bonus reward for non-lethal damage which rewards certain playstyle archetypes or prepwork for those who ensure that they have a non-lethal option. The information you find around each cyberpyscho showcase different problems in the target’s life, no real common thread or inciting incident that you can trace the onset of cyberpsychosis toward and identify a culprit. After you complete the quest, you learn the twist: there is no such thing as cyberpsychosis. Each of the targets were actually just experiencing different stressors within their lives, such as PTSD, losing their job, drug abuse, etc. and the breakdown is made much worse because these individuals have the ability to toss dumpsters like they were baseballs or pick the wings off a fly with a cybernetically enhanced brain with a .50 cal. Some of these individuals had terrible implant surgery done by bargain-basement ripperdocs and temporarily lost the ability to discern reality from fantasy, something that could easily be seen as a science fiction adaptation of temporary insanity brought on by a poor reaction to medicine. It’s backed up by the game too. V can fill every slot in their cyberware deck but never once experiences cyberpsychosis. Oda has ultra-legs and flaming-hot mantis blades and is in perfect control at every point in the game, even when he’s trying to jab those mantis blade through your sternum. Cyberpyschosis isn’t real, the irresponsible media just ran with it because fear sells. For all the flaws of the game, I respect the game for taking cyberpsychosis in that direction.

But for all those good things, the game couldn’t help but feel shallower than the Witcher 3. The side-gigs were formulaic to the point where they even led with a category. There were few twists and very little that was surprising. Exposition for these quests was limited to a short text dump and a minute voice-over. Night City was big but it was relatively sparse. NCPD never seemed to intervene in any crimes (giving the character the chance to do so) but every so often they were around a taped-off crime scene, giving a sense of inconsistency that hampered the world. While it was a bustling city, it felt empty, most of the people I saw on the street were meaningless, just NPC’s walking around to give a sense of activity. There was little in the way of things to see and experience that was unique or different about these NPC’s. They weren’t crowds I could hide in like Hitman, they didn’t have ambient dialogue that showcased something like the Witcher 3. Much like other open-world games, this sense of shallowness pervaded much of the empty space of the world; it was incredibly *big* but there was little in it. Much of the time I was driving or running through empty space that was completely worthless to me. Normal for city living, but all of that is wasted time going from point A to point B, and unlike the Witcher 3, there were no small in-game beats to help flesh it out or build it. I never had Millie from “Where the Wolf and Cat Play” give me a little picture, I never had people from a liberated village say “hey, look, it’s that guy Geralt, thanks for killing those harpies.” These were things that made the Witcher 3′s world really come alive. I didn’t have that, and I was left

Of course, we also have to handle the elephant in the room, and that was CDPR’s conduct both during production and after release. Crunch has become an increasingly common part of video game development and it’s not healthy to developers. CDPR had been called out on it once before, but it seemed there was little change in how that happens. I’m not quite sure if there’s anything we can do, and I’m sympathetic to the need to hit target deadlines to actually deliver a finished product, but there’s got to be a better way, whether that’s a change to the incentive structure, or something, because it’s hurting folks. I like games like Witcher 3 and Red Dead Redemption 2, but I understand that there was a real human cost to these masterpieces, and I wonder if there’s something we can do about that. 

Similarly, what happened after launch was beyond terrible. The last-gen console version were simply not ready for release and shouldn’t have been released to the public. CDPR openly covered up this, by only previewing the PC version, they hid the fact that the game wasn’t ready, and they avoided delaying the last-gen console version because they were looking to capitalize on holiday sales. I’m sympathetic for the need to generate sales, but the flip of this is that you have to deliver the product you advertise, and for last-gen consoles, they didn’t do so. Bugs are one thing, these games are massive undertakings of interacting systems and bugs are inevitable; some of my favorite games were buggy at release, notably Fallout: New Vegas, Witcher 3, and so on. But this went past bugs and into malpractice and deception, and that’s something that’s less forgivable. I personally had few bugs that were out-and-out game breaking but things not loading, quests bugging out, floating bags and other physics wonkiness, all of that hurt the immersion. I’d be more willing to forgive the game without the deception; I can laugh at bugs but not at ignoring quality control to get holiday sales instead of delivering a quality product. Consumers are angry at CDPR and have every reason to be, and I’m one of them. I can express my disappointment and I will do so, we need developers to stop these practices and the only way we can do that is through our wallets and words. I’m not going to tell anyone not to buy CDPR games, that’s entirely your decision because I’m a radical individualist. But I am going to say that they’ve burned a lot of their good karma with me; credibility is a hard beast to gain back. Much like other big name developers, CDPR has hurt their standing in my eyes. Whether that means I need to resort to going to indie games for a little bit or something else, I don’t know, but it’s rough. I liked CDPR and wanted to believe it’d be different, but it seems to not be the case.

Overall, I think it’s another AAA open-world game only made better by my love of the genre, and that stings. I enjoyed some aspects of it, and I hope that through Free DLC, patching, and other good deeds, the game can redeem itself and stimulate new love of the genre. But CDPR needs to do a lot more than that to win back my affection. If anyone has anything specifically that they want to know about the game, such as talk about the main story, individual characters, or so on, just ask.

Thanks for the question, Khef.

SomethingLikeALawyer, Hand of the King

So I have SEVERAL feelings over the gif and am super worried over Ruby's expression, her being separated from her team in the snow, the fact that Oscar's taking her place at the head of RWBY, and the fact that Ruby is aligned with Yang who is mentioned to be "suspicious" AND I AM NOT READY

Hiya Miki-chan. Weirdly enough, despite what the intro GIF teased, this squiggle meister took a more light-hearted reaction to it, to be honest.

I know some folks are assuming that Oscar taking Ruby’s place alongside WBY as a stance on him replacing Ruby as leading the group and…I for one, didn’t really see it that way.

For me, I looked at it as a sign that perhaps Oscar may take a more supportive stance besides Ruby; not necessarily taking her place as leader but more as being a right hand to her---y’know like an advisor to aid her in these troubling times when tensions are high and the overall trust within the team is suffering because of it. For me, I took this as us potentially seeing Oscar help Ruby to mend the broken bonds within their team, thus restoring what they once had.

It made me think back to the Little Prince and the lesson he learnt from the fox---a lesson about love and responsibility. About one being responsible for what you tame. The Fox told the Prince that he was responsible for his rose as he was the one who cared for her, and that what’s made her the most unique to him in a world full of roses.

It is because of this why I always latched onto the concept of Oscar being a support for Ruby and strangely enough, we’ve seen Oscar take a helpful role towards Ruby in the past.

We saw him take this position back during the dojo moment in V5 when Ruby wasn’t being honest regarding her repressed emotions over the events of the Fall of Beacon. We saw Oscar take this stance again in V6 in Argus when Ren questioned the room of a proper plan of action to stop Salem and we see Oscar look to Ruby, who appeared distraught as she had no answer to give. From there, we then saw Oscar try to speak up in a move that gave the impression that he was trying to emulate Ruby in that moment---trying to be a voice of reason and optimism while simultaneously diverting all the negative attention that Ruby was receiving onto himself in a sense.

Consecutively, this is later followed up by Oscar attempting to reassure Ruby of their plan back in Argus when she appeared troubled over Qrow’s behaviour.

Basically what I’m getting at is that, I’ve always liked the thought of Oscar being a “fuel to Ruby’s spark”. Since the forces of evil have threatened to break Ruby’s indomitable spirit and snuff out that light of hers, I liked the idea of Oscar becoming someone who makes it his duty to keep Ruby’s spark alive.

I based it off of this analogy I shared back in my musings from V5. Ruby is often described as possessing an unquantifiable spark. A spark is type of a flame. A flame that burns brightly to ignite the way and guide those lost to the darkness like a beacon in the night. However even the brightest of flames cannot burn forever. Eventually that flames grows weary---starts to dim until eventually its burnt out.

But do you know what is often used to keep a fire going? Wood.

Oscar’s last name is Pine and pine is a type of wood. Therefore, should Ruby’s spark start to dim. Should her spirit slowly start to break from all the pressures placed on her, I love the concept of Oscar being the one to reignite it---providing Ruby with that same burst of inspiration that she’s always provided him. Therefore Oscar becomes someone of great importance to Ruby as he becomes a source of motivation for her. Someone to keep her going and be a beacon of hope to her when she starts to go astray and feel her spark dwindling. A fuel to a spark powered by an unyielding heart of loyalty love and bathed in a golden light as bright as the sun.

That what’s I’m picturing Oscar to become for Ruby in terms of his significance to her. Even if romance isn’t in the cards for the rosebuds, I’d still love for Oscar’s relationship with Ruby to be meaningful and unique to them; just like the bond between the prince and his true rose.

And let’s not forget that…Oscar has already acknowledged Ruby’s vulnerability and understands it. What I mean by this is that that despite Ruby being christened as the voice of hope and encouragement within her group---the one everyone turns to for leadership, Oscar has already realized that this also means that Ruby has a lot of pressure placed on her because of the badge of leadership that’s been put on her by those around. Hence the comment he made to Ozpin back in V5CH5.

“…She really is remarkable, isn’t she?”

“Yeah. She must’ve been one of these best huntresses at Beacon, huh?”

“In some ways yes but in many others, no. She has her quirks. Her faults, just like everyone else. But she also possesses something unquantifiable. A spark that can inspire others even in the darkest of times.”

“…This must be really hard on her too.”

“It’s most assuredly is.”

In the beginning, Oscar reacts the Ruby the same way others who grow to admire her usual do. He is enamoured by her remarkability, as Oz put it. However the instant Oz goes even further into giving his own impression of Ruby and mentions that she is a person of inspiration to others, Oscar’s impression of her changes a little as he took Ruby’s role as leader as her also having a lot of expectations placed on her (like him) and he gets it immediately.

And that’s another reason why I loved the V5 dojo scene. It says so much about Oscar without saying a lot and it’s great.

Ironically enough, it’s AFTER this brief conversation with Oz where I noticed Oscar taking up a more dedicated approach towards Ruby---immediately being one of the first few people to run to her side after she’s hurt by Emerald during the Battle of Haven. Defying  even Ozpin---his other half essentially--- and fighting against him to possible protect Ruby from Oz when the ole soul’s desperation to prevent Ruby from using the lamp to uncover the truth got the better of him. And the list can go on.

Oscar understands the weight that Ruby feels and probably will feel even more now as she is basically placed in the same position that Oz was back during the events of V6. When the group turned on Oz, Oscar was pretty much the one to feel the brunt of the ole soul’s emotions after he chose to isolate himself. That being said, I can see Oscar not wishing to see the same thing happen to Ruby so like I said, I’m hoping his position in the opening will hint at him becoming an advisor or crutch to Ruby, standing by her side and working with her to mend everything.

That being said, I’m not saying I’m expecting Oscar to be a blind follower of Ruby, choosing to “follow her lead”. One thing I love about Oscar’s character is that while he may appear apprehensive at times, he’s never afraid to speak his mind and let others know exactly what he’s thinking and he’s not one to sugar coat either.

Oscar is rather blunt but still articulate in the way he expresses himself. It’s never vague with Oscar. He’s quite upfront about his thoughts and fears. While it may take him some time to open up, whenever he does get the courage to speak up, he always does so in a manner that commands the room or practically demands that his voice is heard by those around him.

And another trait I admire about Oscar is that he isn’t afraid to share his opinions even when he outright disagrees with someone’s stance on a particular subject. If he feels as if someone’s actions are wrong or may lead to issues, Oscar doesn’t withhold those feelings. He lets them know as highlighted when he was the first character to oppose Ruby’s decision to deceive the General. He was also quite upfront about his disagreement with the General’s actions towards the People of Mantle and progression of Amity Tower. Oscar even tried to warn the General of the path he was taking and while things still ended poorly, you still have to admire Oscar’s character in these moments.

To me, this is one of the moments that highlighted why I would consider Oscar to be our SECOND smaller, more honest soul next to Ruby. This is why I want to see him step up and be a voice of comfort and wisdom to Ruby in these times. Whether or not Ruby choses to heed his words isn’t really the factor here. I just want to see this dynamic done since this could provide an amazing opportunity to see the friendship that’s been slowly building between the rosebuds for the past few seasons truly start to flourish.

V8 could spark the moment when the Rosegarden bond fully blooms into a beautiful relationship---be it a really great friendship built on trust and understanding or perhaps something more.

Oscar is loyal to Ruby, yes. And he believes in her, yes. He also trusts her wholeheartedly, yes. However if he fears that her actions are leading her down a dark path, he will tell her so. And unlike other characters, Oscar will tell Ruby this to her face---not in a manner that condescends or belittles her---but in his own way. Firm yet understanding (like how we saw back in V5CH5).

Basically what I’m saying here is that I can trust Oscar to always being upfront with Ruby about his concerns and opinions on her actions and decisions which…is something I would like to say for the rest of her team but…I can’t. Not really.

Weiss and Blake may have their feelings and concerns but in the end, they are more or less written off as sheep perfectly content with following the herd led by Ruby as their shepherd (even if that headship ultimately winds them in a den of wolves). And while Yang had been highlighted to not be entirely complacent with her sister’s leadership (as we saw during the events of V7), it still bugs me how Yang went behind Ruby’s back the way she did last season.

It almost felt…uncharacteristic for her to do this considering that Yang has been described as someone who has always looked out for Ruby as both the older sibling and surrogate parent to her. So why have Yang go behind, not just Ruby’s back, but the whole hero team to be an informant to Robyn Hill and then…NOT disclose this info to the rest of the her teammates. Only Blake knew and like I said, Blake is a sheep, fine with following Yang’s lead despite not doing anything herself to inform the others of what the Bees did together.

In reviewing the episode where this essentially took place---V7CH7: Worse Case Scenario---Yang is the one who basically gave Blake the go ahead to inform Robyn of the truth behind Amity when the two cornered her in the alleyway. Yang was even the first to talk and tell Robyn of Ironwood’s plans to send the Ace Ops to detain her.

“…If Ironwood wants me, he’ll have to send more than a couple of kids.”

“He is. Stopping the trucks alerted the Ace Ops. We don’t have long before they arrive so please listen to us.”

Yang spoke first. There is an even a shot in that very episode where Blake goes to spill the beans to Robyn but looks to Yang first for validation and it’s only when Yang nods in agreement when Blake finally shares. Although Blake is the one who told Robyn about the plans for Amity, it was Yang who practically gave her the go-ahead.

So while Blake is an accomplice, I’m going to place full responsibility for this tactic on Yang since she made the first call and also encouraged Blake to reveal the truth. Ruby’s choice to deceive was bad, yes but we cannot ignore Yang’s own choices to deceive in this mix which is also very problematic and could prove more dangerous than one might realize.

And given how there seems to be this talk in the FNDM about Yang being the one to apprehend Ruby for her actions inV7….I'm going to be blunt with you, Miki-chan. If the show does what you think they're gonna do by having Yang be the one who either calls Ruby out for the mistakes she made from her decisions or have Yang be the voice of doubt against Ruby, basically placing her in the same role as she did with Oz back in V6, I'm honestly going to hate it.

Let me explain why I REALLY don’t like this angle. I said this before back in V6 and I'll say it again here, Yang Xiao Long has no right calling anyone out for their deceit or secrets when she is NO innocent party.

May I remind everyone that the only reason that the group ended up needing to transport the Lamp of Knowledge to Atlas in the first place was because Yang boldly told Raven Branwen---the Spring Maiden to leave her with the Relic allowing Salem to come after her and the others as opposed to advising her to seal the lamp back into its respective vault.

“…Yeah I’m scared but I’m still standing here. I’m not like you. I won’t run which is why you’re going to give me the relic.”

“And why would I ---“ “Because you’re afraid of Salem! And if you thought having maiden powers will put a target on your back, imagine what she would do if she finds out that you have a relic. She will come after you with everything she has. Or she can come after me and I’ll be standing there, waiting for her.”

“You don’t want to do this.” “Nope but I’m gonna do it anyway.”

As noble as this was of Yang to do in the moment, it was still HER decision to have Salem target the hero group for the Relic instead of her mother. It was a choice she made of her own accord and it’s a choice she hasn’t disclosed to anyone since the impression after V5 is that beyond Raven disappearing again, Yang hasn’t told anyone else of what was said and revealed down in the Vault of the Spring Maiden. Even when Qrow asked her about it during the V5 finale, she basically told him…well…a half-truth.

“…What happened?” “I don’t know exactly. When I got down there, Cinder was gone and Vernal was dead.” “And Raven?” “Gone.”

The half-truth is that Raven did leave but not before Yang figured out that she was the Spring Maiden and not before Yang told her to leave the lamp in her possession instead of sealing the lamp back in its vault. May I remind everyone that Yang also didn't tell anyone that Raven---her mother---is the Spring Maiden?

And may I also remind everyone that Yang (along with Blake) was the one who went behind the group's back and told Robyn Hill about Amity. A detail that neither she nor Blake disclosed to the rest of the team.

“…This isn’t over yet. We’re with you.” “Are you with me?” “Sir?” “…How did Robyn know about the Global Communications Project?” “We told her. The night of the ambush.”

At least with Ruby, everyone was aware that Ruby made the call to lie to Ironwood about Salem including Oscar who basically sorted that out for Ruby (even though it SHOULD have been Ruby herself taking responsibility for her own actions in my opinion). However no one knew what Yang had done with Blake with Robyn which was why they all seemed pleasantly surprised when Ironwood brought it up. Blake and Yang were the only two members of RWBY who knew about this detail and note that Ironwood didn’t bring up the group deceiving him about Salem.

Again, that part was ironed out thanks to Oscar. But the part about Robyn, that part James didn’t know about. And unfortunately for our heroes, neither did they.

Yet…Yang phrased it as if RWBY had told Robyn when in fact, it was just Yang and Blake who made that call while Ruby and Weiss were clearly in the dark as evidenced by their troubled expressions at the Aces’ and Ironwood’s reactions to the news.

You're seeing my issue with Yang being the one to call Ruby out? If Yang ends up being the one doubtful of Ruby or "suspicious" of her actions/decisions, it'll pretty much be a rehash of V7.

Most of us thought it was mighty hypocritical for Ruby to be deemed in the right for choosing to lie to Ironwood following the group's chastising of Oz for withholding important information (the same info mind you) from them.

So wouldn't it be ultra mega hypocritical of Yang to be the one to doubt Ruby's actions and leadership based on her decisions and mistakes when...technically it was Yang's actions---an action she didn't tell her team---that provided the other end of the final straw that ultimately broke Ironwood and caused him to turn against the hero team.

While what Ruby did started it, what Yang did ended it in a sense because as I’ll point out again, AT LEAST Ironwood knew about what Ruby did, thanks to Oscar. But no one knew what Yang did. Except for Blake.

But her own sister. Their  own aforementioned leader didn't know and I'm sorry, THAT needs to be addressed.

While I'm fine with Ruby being called out, Yang needs to be called out too. I will be so mad if Yang is treated as being in the right again while her own actions go unscathed.

It upset me when Yang had the gall to call out Oz for his lies and secrets while sitting on her own and it would bother me to know ends if it is done again for Ruby.

Yang cannot be the "good cop" or sheriff to bring Ruby to justice for her actions. She's got her own skeletons to be unearthed and thrown on the floor, exposed and raw for all to judge and I honestly hope this happens for V8 finally. 

Let it be a western style dual. Let both parties draw fire to take out each other. Let it be a case where both Ruby and Yang start to mirror Oz and Ironwood’s dynamic from way back in V2. Both parties don't agree with each other's decisions despite being close allies. Both parties have their own methods of helping the people and believe them to be in the right when in actuality they both end up being the catalysts to further cause more problems within their team; dividing them even further.

Instead of Yang being planted on some high horse and made to be the judge that hangs Ruby for her mistakes while continuing to hide her own, I want BOTH SISTERS be held accountable for driving a deeper wedge between their group only for Oscar Pine to end up having to be the middleman to come in and help repair it all.

And I say Oscar of all characters, not just because I’m a Pinehead and want to see more development for my favourite little prince but mainly because like it or not, Oscar HAS to be the one to be in the middle of this shitstorm since...in essence, this all started with Ozma and was prolonged by Ozpin.

And as Ozma's current heir succeeding Oz, Oscar will probably see it as his own duty to fix everything sparked by his predecessors.

Oscar already has faith in Ruby and if him spending time with Yang down in Mantle could lend to him learning to have faith in her too then this could ultimately lend to him desiring to quell the tension between both sisters that’s slowly affecting their faction, henceforth working to reconcile everything with everyone.

I’ve expressed how much I would like to see Oscar mend the broken bonds within his team and I still want that above anything else to be part of his arc for this coming season. 

The hero team dynamic needs a reboot; with everyone being cleared of their past false actions so that they can start anew with everyone on a clean page with one another and a better willingness to trust each other now that they've all experienced what deceit and secrecy amongst allies can do.

I want this so much and I want Oscar to play a big part in making it happen. 

I don’t wanna hear “Ruby is our protagonist and she has to fix everything” or “Yang will be our stan queen for V8 to call Ruby out”.  NO! 

Both girls have fucked up! Everyone has fucked up!

Including my boy. The difference is that at least Oscar knows he’s fucked up. He is AT LEAST aware of his fuckery unlike Yang and Ruby and the rest of the hero team which is why I need Oscar to be the one to pull everyone up for their shit.

Since who better to do it than the person whose shares a body with the man whose made more mistakes than any man, women and child on Remnant, am I right? 

 Even now as we head into V8, I don’t think Ruby and Yang are aware of the consequences of their own mistakes. None of them seem to be. All the more reason why I think they require the wisdom and guidance of another smaller, more honest soul---one whose seen it from BOTH sides of the coin and can now make a call to better help everyone as a whole.

That's what I'd like to see. Not sure if this changes how you feel Miki-chan but that's how I see it.

P.S. On another note, if it’s any further consolation, I’m not ready for V8 either 8V 

Like it still hasn’t quite hit me as yet even when the episode is literally tomorrow. All I will say is that I NEED to see that opening. Based on how things are staged from the teaser, that opening and the visuals that tells what we’ll see for that season will be what gets me into V8.

But we’ll see XD 

~LittleMissSquiggles (2020)

I know no one will actually read this but Loki episode 4 spoilers ahead I suppose. Also the first half is my writer personal opinion and the second is my regular-audience-and-romance-lover personal opinion.

I tried to go into the Sylvie stuff with an open mind, thinking if the writers and directors did it well it wouldn’t bug me much, but goddamn was all that shit cringe as fuck.

I mean I didn’t like what I’d heard about them going for a more romantic approach for Sylvie and Loki anyway just because they’re technically the same person, but I was thinking if they had done it well enough I wouldn’t really care. I care.

There was a lot that was leading up to at least some hinting at a Mobius and Loki thing later on and I’d have been fine, grateful even if they had just left Loki alone and let him be single and have cool best buds. But seriously, it just feels shoehorned in there, the “budding relationship” between Sylvie and Loki. Like her as a character? Stellar. Love her, she fights like a gremlin goddess and I love it. Having Loki be vulnerable with Mobius and Sylvie? Absolutely, could’ve made for a great just friends plotline for all three. The arguable throwaway line where Loki says both genders were an option essentially? Fine enough if they had gone with actually showing a non-straight romance plotline or a just buds plotline. It’s the fact that they’re shoehorning in this “love connection” between Sylvie and Loki that makes all of the build up bad. 

I’m going to ignore that this shit came to a head on the last day of pride solely for the sake of giving the benefit of the doubt and assuming they were just idiots with the planning of release dates and not because they’re actually being malicious towards the community in any way. I honestly think that they’re going with the Sylvie romance because of the throwaway line from Loki. Maybe they think just having him say he’s bi/pan/whatever is enough, and they need to now cater back to people that would be uncomfortable with anything else than a straight/het romance. I don’t know, and frankly I don’t care that much about this aspect in terms of the enjoyability of the show itself.

What bugs me about it all is that they set something up to go multiple different ways, very interesting and not as commonly done ways mind you, and then choose to ignore what they’ve set up in favor of a poorly paced at best romance plot that we’ve seen a million times over.

And I won’t be that person that hates on the people that do enjoy it, but as a writer and someone who appreciates well set up plots, I’m disappointed the way they’re executing the whole thing thus far. I’ll save my full judgement for when the show is finished, but as of right now, I am wary of what they do with these arcs from here on out.

Okay, personal personal opinion time. Jesus fucking christ was there so much tension of different kinds throughout four episodes between Mobius and Loki. I mean the tie thing was great, and I see the toxicity of it already yes, but shit dude as someone who yearns: Loki is falling for that man.

The continuous teary eyes that he gives Mobius, the fact that Mobius clearly wants to believe in Loki, and that line about “you’re breaking my reality right now”? Fuck if all that and more isn’t some great lead up to a romance plot between them. 

Yes, they both manipulate each other a lot throughout the show up to this point, but shit, if Mobius is alive like Loki is, then shit he’d have a good ass reason to be grateful to Loki for opening his eyes and trying to fix things at least.

Again I’d be totally happy if they did a friendship plot too, I think it’d work great and honestly any type of positive relationship that is well written and planned would be good for Loki as a character. Maybe this is a bit of self-projection in a sense, but dammit I’ve loved Loki since I first saw him and I was absolutely one of those cringe 12-15 year olds being all stupid for him back after Avengers came out and especially after Thor: The Dark World. Shit dude just let Loki have a soft and good relationship with someone, friends or otherwise. 

Anyway, rant over. Cheers to you if you made it to the end lol.

Home is Where the Spirit is

Across a river, in the depths of ancient magic, or even in her very dreams, Rallis had a knack of making friends in the most unusual places. That trend seems to continue as her journey brings her to the wizarding town of Yanille, where she uncovers a whole new world of wonders, and quite literally at that. Friends will be made, relationships will be mended, and many cats will be pet as Rallis finds a family and a home that she can truly call her own.

The sun broke through the shady covering of the treetop overhead, dappling Rallis the sleeping blue dragon underneath with dollops of gold. A beam of light peeked through the gaps in the leaves and shone right on her closed eyes, making her groan annoyedly. She covered her face and rolled over, only for the grass beneath her to tickle her nose. She sneezed and whined as she finally sat up, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes with a yawn. It was very bright and sunny out for having just woken up. Perhaps it was noon or soon to be. Rallis pulled a pilfered banana out of one of her pack pockets and enjoyed her sweet breakfast as she listened to the birds above her and flicked her tail in the sun. It had been quite some time since Rallis left Varrock to go on her own adventure by herself. For exactly how long she wasn't certain, she never was good at getting a feel for and remembering the passing of time of any kind, but the full moon had come at least twice. So maybe two months? She couldn't be bothered to remember. In that time, though, she had certainly caused some trouble, and right now she found herself having to hide from an entire city because of it. Not long ago Rallis had helped a native of Karamja steal something of his back from a spoiled rich man in Ardougne and she may have stolen something for herself as well, something that was as of right now very poorly hidden in her pack. When she returned to Ardougne after her successful mission, the city was on high alert. People were interrogated and searched, some even jailed, all because that spoiled brat didn't like that his stolen goods had been taken back. She could feel some of the knights of the city wanted to question her, likely due to her obviously different appearance, so she ran off before she could be considered suspect. She ran south, exploring Yanille, petting larupias, enjoying the hot tubs of Corsair, and just having fun seeing all the new things the world had to offer. Rallis finished her banana and left the peel for the nearby gopher to feast upon. She was currently hanging around a short ways north of Yanille, keeping an eye on the people who came and went, looking to see if any of them might be knights, and keeping an ear trained on news from the north. She wanted to continue exploring but she couldn't get past Ardougne until things calmed down. How obnoxious. Rallis flopped against her overly stuffed pack with a huff. The thing had been nearly empty when she started her adventure and now it was bursting at the seams with goodies she found. And she was starting to get tired of all the nasty bugs trying to raid her pouches for her fruit while she snoozed outside. She wished she had a place to store her stuff where no one could find it. Or a nice place to stay, like her old cave with her family or her rooms back in Taverley and Varrock. Traveling was nice, but having a place to call her own was nicer. She threw her pack on and brushed the grass off her clothes and made her way back to Yanille. There had to be something to do to pass the days until Ardougne calmed down. Everywhere she went, Rallis was greeted by harsh glares and mistreatment due to her unusual appearance, until people came to learn she wasn't going to burn down their town, that is. Yanille was no different, but the people here seemed to be even more on edge with her. They whispered things about her being a spy for the ogre shamans or things of the like and she was thoroughly interrogated upon entry into the city. When they realized she didn't even know what an "oh-grr" was, most left her alone, but there were still a few guardsmen and mages that gave her a nasty stink eye when she passed through the gates once more. She ignored them and walked through the town to see if anyone needed any help. She couldn't quite put a finger on it, but there was something about Yanille Rallis loved far more than any other town she had been to thus far. Perhaps it was how magical the place was. Perhaps it was how secluded from other cities it was. Perhaps it was how wild and natural most of the lands around it were. Or perhaps it was something she just couldn't identify. Either way, Rallis knew she liked the place and she was starting to grow almost happy her illegal shenanigans in Ardougne had forced her here. As she walked through town looking for something to do, a black cat came up to her. He sat down in front of her and stared expectantly. "Hello pretty kitty!" Rallis chirped. She knelt down and held a hand out. The cat sniffed her claws and rubbed his face against them with a purr. Rallis purred back in kind which only seemed to make the cat happier. "You're so cute and friendly, kitty cat! Where did you come from?" The cat said nothing and continued to rub his face against her hand. Rallis scratched his head with her other hand and the cat flopped on the ground. She scratched his chin with one hand and his belly with the other. He closed his eyes with a purr and enjoyed the warm stone beneath him as he was pet and scratched. "You're so friendly for a stray I've never met. And you're so silky and soft too. Someone must look after you. Did you get lost?" The cat continued to lay down and purr as she pet him, without a single care in the world. Suddenly, a scream and small explosion shook the quiet. The cat jumped up with a start and ran off as a burst of smoke puffed out of a now shattered glass window of the Wizard's Guild. Rallis could see the other windows quickly being thrown open by the wizards as they coughed and shooed the smoke out. It didn't seem like a dangerous affair but she figured she would check to see if everyone was alright anyway. Rallis turned to say goodbye to the cat but he was already long gone. She ran toward the guild with a frown. Hopefully she would find the kitty again later so she could continue petting it. Three wizards were lugging the charred remains of a table out of the guild. The poor table had been mostly reduced to ash and smoke and it reeked of chemicals. Zavistic, the guild leader, oversaw the train of wizards carting out burnt supplies with a sigh and a shake of his head. Rallis wrinkled her nose and bounced over. "What happened?" Rallis asked. "Blow up a death rune?" "Hello again, dragon. No, nothing like that. Some fool simply mislabeled some of the chemicals upstairs and someone else set fire to the lab tables upon mixing them. Everything is fine, save the poor tables." Someone came with a half burnt chair and tossed it outside. Rallis choked. "It's so stinky! At least you're all fine though. Need some help?" "Thank you but I think we'll be fine. Everything is almost cleared out and the fires weren't big by any means. T'was simply a small accident. Though I suppose we will be doing work on the floor for the next week or so." Another table, half burnt away, was tossed onto the pile of ruined furniture. Someone called 'that's it' from above. "'That's it,'" Zavistic snorted. "That's most of the things we had! What a day." Rallis took a look at the discarded wood. Not all of it was beyond repair. Some pieces were salvageable. "I can fix you a couple things if you want," she offered. "I'm good at building stuff." The guild leader was surprised. "Oh really? You're an incredible mage, a skilled botanist, and a builder now? Aren't you the accomplished monster." "Uncle Cake said I am a 'dragon of many talents!' If you have tools, I can make tables." "I'm sure I can find something." After some searching for a hammer and other things the wizards thought might be useful, Rallis got to work. It was incredible watching the dragon cut through the wood scraps with such speed and accuracy. Sometimes she didn't even need the saw they found for her, claws working just as well. While some wizards went back to work, others watched as they pretended to study. Zavisitic was impressed. Rallis was already getting to work on making the scraps into a table. "Where did you learn to build so quickly? I've never seen a beast build a table out of scraps in minutes!" "Falador," Rallis answered as she measured. "I was just as fast there too. I've always been good at building things for as long as I can't remember." "You mean can?" Zavistic corrected. "No." The wizard scowled. What a weird creature this visitor to Yanille was. As he was about to go off to continue his own work, a black cat strolled up to Rallis and sat down next to her. The dragon in turn chirped happily and pet the cat as it contently purred at her side. "Is that your cat?" Zavistic asked. Rallis shook her head. "Nope! I bumped into him on my way into town today. Isn't he adorable? He's so cuddly!" "But... it's a black cat," he said. "That's a witch's cat. Ominous if you ask me." "Black fur is no different from any other color. He's a sweet little thing who's keeping me company." The wizard grumbled. "Well when you start getting bad luck don't come whining to me." He left Rallis to her work. Rallis spent the next hour or so fixing and carving a set of tables for the wizards, stopping to pet her new feline friend as she worked. Perhaps she would have to find his owner and return him when she was done. Though she did enjoy his company, she had to admit. She almost wanted to keep him as a traveling buddy. As Rallis was testing the stability of the second table, the cat jumped to attention and hissed toward to eastern entrance of town. She tried to see what he was so upset about. "What's wrong kitty cat?" The sound of clinking armor grew closer as a group of Ardougne knights strode through the entrance. The cat hissed and ran off and Rallis paled. The head of the Yanillian guard went to meet them. Rallis braved getting close enough to listen while remaining hidden behind some bushes. "...to believe the culprit is a mage. The mansion they robbed could have only been broken into with the use of powerful dispelling magic. Have you seen any suspicious characters that might be our suspect?" Rallis whined. So they were here looking for her. She had to get out of here fast. Carefully, Rallis made her way closer to the western entrance to town. She squawked in dismay at the group of knights stationed there as well. They had blocked both the exits. She could try climbing the walls, she figured, or maybe try to squeeze through the hole that led under them. The former would grab their attention though and the latter let out right next to one of the guard barracks. What was she going to do? Something soft padded her leg. The black cat was back and it had something in its mouth. He gently placed it on the floor and meowed. Rallis picked it up and gave it a look over. "This is a magic tablet. I've never seen one with this design though. Kitty cat, did you steal this from the wizards?" The cat ignored her question and began to walk away. When he realized his friend wasn't following, he meowed and motioned to her with his tail. Keeping low, Rallis followed the cat to the western part of town. The cat led her dangerously close to the knights standing guard by the western entrance. They were chatting with the local guard and telling them to keep an eye out for suspicious activity. A dragon hiding in some bushes trying to follow a weird cat could definitely be considered suspicious activity. The cat bounded right out into the open and hopped onto an odd circular stone sculpture Rallis had passed by on her first trip into town. She had no idea what it could be, but it was certainly out of place and held some faint kind of magic. The cat curled onto the sculpture's steps and looked at the stone ring that stood behind him with a meow. The guards were confused at the weird cat but ultimately decided it wasn't worth their time. It was just a cat after all. They went back to the knights by the entrance and Rallis edged closer to the stone sculpture. She slithered quickly behind it and laid flat on the ground, hiding as best she could behind the raised almost stair-like base of the sculpture. "What now?" she whispered to the cat. The cat slammed his paws on the sculpture where he stood, then walked toward the edge of the stone ring and vanished. Rallis' ears shot up in surprise. "Where did you go, kitty?!" Some of the knights were heading her way from the eastern entrance, meticulously taking in every detail of the town. There was no way they wouldn't see her. Rallis hissed and flattened herself more, gripping the tablet worriedly. 'What am I supposed to do?!' The tablet burned in her hand for a moment. '...Break it here? But I don't even know what it does.' The knights were getting closer. She didn't have any other options. She slammed the stone as hard as she could against the base of the sculpture. As the tablet turned to dust in her hand, the ring of the sculpture crackled into a shower of purple sparks. The knights and the guards ran over at the commotion. Rallis whined and hunkered lower as they drew closer. They would spot her any moment! Something grabbed her roughly by her pack and yanked her through the sputtering magic before it fizzled into nothingness, leaving everyone left behind to their confusion. _________________________________________________ "Really? This is what you had me waste my power on?" An excited meow. "It looks weird. Smells weird too. I can't believe you had me rescue this thing." Rallis jumped up from the noise with a gasp and immediately wished she hadn't. She felt sick and the view around her was disorienting with how suddenly different from Yanille it was. She fell back to the ground and smacked her head on something metal. She clutched her head with a whine and glared at whatever she hit. It was a metal ring, similar in size and structure to the stone ring of the statue in Yanille, only this one was made of intricately woven rusted bronze in the shape of vines. Something poked Rallis' leg and she turned around with a start. A creature was looking down at her, some kind of weird bipedal cat that stood only a couple inches taller than her. It had pale dusty brown fur and rows of menacing black spines running over its body. It almost looked like if you forced a larupia to stand upright. It scowled at the dragon with its empty white eyes. "What are you? And what's your name?" the creature asked. "R-Rallis. My name is Rallis. And I'm a dragon." She was surprised the beast spoke to her in Common and it just added to her confusion. She looked around slowly, taking in her surroundings. She was sitting in a grassy clearing surrounded by huge thick trees. Flowers of various colors sprouted throughout the clearing, little splotches of color to break the monotony of green. Two old crumbling stone statues of dragons stood proudly overhead. "A dragon?" the cat creature before her snorted. "I guess if you want to be. Not like any dragon I've seen though." They addressed a figure next to Rallis again. "What did you do to get caught up with a beast like this?" A happy meow answered back. Rallis turned to find the same black cat from earlier sitting by her side. "Kitty!" She began to scratch the cat under its chin and he purred loudly, rubbing his face against her. "Well I'll be..." the creature said. "Sissel really does like you." "So that's your name?" Rallis cooed. "Sissel. What a nice name. A nice name for a nice kitty. Is he yours?" "Is he my what?" the creature growled. A row of black spines bristled on the back of its neck. "Your friend? He didn't seem like a stray, he's too well fed. You must take good care of him, he's so silky and such a sweetheart." The creature calmed itself, running a hand over its spines to flatten them. "Sorry, I thought you were going to ask if he was my pet." It spat the word out like poison. "Sissel is owned by no one, as are all cats, but I do take care of him." "So you are friends!" Rallis chirped. She pulled herself from the ground. "Hello friend of cats who is also a cat! What's your name?" "...Sen," they muttered. "Nice to meet you then, Sen! Thanks for saving me from those knights! I was about to be in a lot of trouble. Where am I now?" "Where I live," they answered. "It's a refuge for... lots of things. Sissel was watching you and thought you might have need of this place." "I did! Thanks for saving me, pretty kitty." Rallis picked up Sissel and carried him. "I know you said this is your home but where exactly is this? It almost doesn't feel... real. Like it's... how do I put this... not in the world?" Sen nodded. "That's because it's not." They pointed to the bronze portal frame behind Rallis. "Through there is your world of Gielinor. This place is its own small world, in its own pocket between worlds. It's a home for those who need one, and it's very difficult to access, making it safe and private. You'll find creatures from many worlds call this home." "That's so cool!" Rallis exclaimed, stars in her eyes. "Are you from another world then?!" Sen ignored the question and turned away. "The human that found this place built a castle on the highest point." They pointed to the mountaintop in the distance. A block of white and green sat on top. "You may stay there as long as you like until you have no more need of this place. I will be there too if you have need of me. Please don't have need of me." "Wait!" Rallis called after them as they sped away. "I don't know how to get up there! Please show me!" Sen growled as they quickly skirted through the forest and up the winding mountain path, ignoring Rallis' questions as they went. The dragon was pestering them with countless questions and they didn't feel like opening up to a total stranger. They soon reached the mountaintop, the house looming before them. Rallis finally shushed as she took in every detail of the vine covered dragon adorned entrance. "Here is the old human castle," Sen began. "You are free to stay as long as you like and in any room you like except mine. Top floor, claw marks on the door, can't miss it but please try to." "Thank you," Rallis said. "But please, before you go, I have so many questions! Like--!" Sen hissed the dragon into silence. "I know you have questions! I heard it the whole walk up here! I'm not answering them, I'm taking a nap. Ask Sissel your damn sea of questions." Rallis blinked at the cat in her arms. "I don't speak cat. I can't talk to him!" "You don't?! What kind of useless dragon...?" Sen angrily muttered to themself as they ripped out a spine from their shoulder. They crushed it into pieces in their hands, enchanted something unintelligible until the crushed bits started to glow, and finally threw the spell glowing in their hands at Rallis. Rallis flinched as the spell splashed in her face and faded. Sen grumbled and walked through the entrance to the massive house. "Another one wasted on a dragon that can't speak right. Congratulations! You can understand cat now! You're welcome!" They slammed the door behind them. Rallis blinked at Sissel in her arms. "So I can understand you now?" "You can," Sissel meowed. Rallis' eyes went so wide they nearly popped out of her head. "I CAN UNDERSTAND CATS!!! This is amazing! I have so many questions, pretty kitty! But first, how are you? Thank you for helping me! Are you doing okay? Do you need anything? Oh my god I can't believe I can understand cats!" She very excitedly ran into the house with Sissel as he gave a tour of the place. The interior of the house was as overgrown with wildlife as the exterior. A rectangular garden filled with weeds and vines crawled up the supports of the rooms surrounding it. Some plant life even crawled its way into some of the rooms. Most of the furniture was smashed or rotted away from time and neglect. Despite the disarray, Rallis could surmise the place was built like a one-stop shop. Storerooms for herbs and seeds, a workshop to craft in, a now crumbling library, and more resided downstairs. Upstairs held traces of vaults meant to store valuables, rooms meant to access an incredible amount of magic that now lay inert, multiple bedrooms, and rooms Rallis couldn't even identify the use for. Sen's claw scuffed room was at the end of the hall. There was a staircase that led to what Rallis assumed was the roof but something was barring it shut from up top. Every way she turned held more secrets and she was growing more excited by the second. "This place is so cool!" she told Sissel. "Do only you and Sen live here?" "Yomiel and Eve do too. They are two other cats, friends of mine. We three stay by Sen's side and assist them in their work, which has unfortunately been at a standstill for many lives now." "What do they do?" "Search and rescue," the cat explained. "Like what I did with you. This place used to be the home of a human summoner that would help spirits and creatures in need, no matter what world they came from. Sen was one of those in need, and as thanks for being rescued they stayed here to help the summoner and became best friends. The human passed on eventually and Sen didn't take it well, and now they refuse to leave this place and continue their work. Now we three, Yomiel, Eve, and I, do most of the work while Sen grumpily sleeps the days away." Rallis felt bad for the poor old cat beast. "Anything I could do to make them feel better?" Sissel smiled. "That may or may not be one of the reasons I brought you here." "Aww, you didn't just want to help me out of the good in your heart?" The cat hissed in such a way it sounded like he was laughing. "I never said our rescue services were free!" Sissel led Rallis back downstairs and into a broken down room, far away from Sen's room. He whispered even still. "I would like you to help get my patron back on their feet. Give them some kind of motivation, or some spark of hope. Sen hasn't seen a reason to continue existing without their friend leading the way, and they're starting to fade out of existence because of it." "There's always a reason to keep going!" Rallis said adamantly. "How can I help?" Sissel motioned to the broken down room they were in. "I was hoping you could bring this place back to its former glory. I saw you work, you could easily rebuild this place. If Sen saw this place back to its old self, maybe they'll return to their old self too." "I can do that!" Rallis cheered. "I'm good at gardening and building! I'll do it! But I need things to build with, and help too." "We can assist you with that," Sissel purred. He slithered behind a post and vanished for a moment before returning from underneath a shattered chair with two other cats, one hellishly red and the other an unnatural purple. "Meet Yomiel and Eve," he introduced. Rallis squealed. "You're all so cute and pretty!" She held out her hand to give them a pet. Eve meowed and rubbed her face down Rallis' arm while Yomiel hissed defiantly. "Call me cute and pretty again, I dare you," the hellcat hissed. "Would you prefer handsome and cool?" Rallis cooed and held her hand out. Yomiel gave her a grumpy side eye and rubbed against her hand once. "Yes I would!" He strode over to Sissel's side and sat down with his tail around his friend. "What are we doing then? Better be good or else I'm going back to sleep." "We're going to help our new friend here fix up the place!" Sissel decreed. "Oh that sounds like fun!" Eve meowed. "How can we help?" "I think we should start with the garden first," Rallis said. "Let's dig up all the nasty weeds and make this place a bit less of a jungle." The three cats meowed in agreement and the four got to work.

The three cats were excellent at ripping up some of the smaller weeds of the garden. Rallis used her much bigger claws to rip out the sturdier shrubs. The upturned dirt poofed into the air with every weed pulled, and Rallis and Sissel couldn’t help but have a bit of a dirt war as they worked. They kept their laughter hushed so as not to alert Sen. Up above the garden, perched in the vine nests that formed the roof, curious quarking and chirping commentated the scene below. Odd green wyverns with rainbow feathered wings were watching every movement of Rallis and the cats with wide eyes. Rallis smiled and called them over to help. The green wyverns were more than happy to have something fun to do and stripped some of the overgrown ivy off the walls, clearing up some of the windows from the second floor for probably the first time in a century. 

Other flying beasts saw the wyverns line their nests with the soft ivy and wanted some for their own nest. Rallis called the newcomers down to the garden and the creatures excitedly took away the pulled up weeds for themselves. Soon the entire garden was cleaned of any trace of weeds, a blank canvas ready for paint. Yomiel and Eve meowed proudly and Sissel vanished to find a plant to celebrate with as the first thing to grow in the new garden: catnip. Rallis helped him plant it and the three felines took a much needed break by it. She took a moment to smile at the work done so far. It was already a remarkable difference. The ground was actually traversable now and ready to become something beautiful, the walls shone pristine and white for the first time in ages, and the whole house felt more open and inviting. Once the rooms were cleared out and cleaned up, Rallis could definitely see how this place could be a rescue and rehoming base.

Rallis looked around for the next room to tackle. In cleaning the garden up, a large stony entrance appeared in the ground in the center. Sissel informed her that there was a forge and workshop down there, though it hadn’t been used since the summoner’s time. The dragon decided to take a look. The stony entrance descended into the cliff the house stood upon and branched into two paths once the light from above disappeared. To the left was the forge, a metal dragon’s head with its mouth open wide drooling over a large basin. Though there was nothing in the basin, it was obvious lava or heated metal poured out of the dragon’s mouth to heat up whatever one was working on. There were even bins in the basin that seemed to have once held molten glass, liquid gold, and other crafting materials. On the wall held by hooks were tools to work with, all surprisingly still in good condition. Unfortunately, the forge wasn’t active and it seemed only a fire-breather would be able to get it working again, something Rallis was not. She left it alone and went down the other path. Light broke the darkness as she continued to walk and she gasped once sunlight fully illuminated where she was standing.

The second path opened into a large stony cavern, reminiscent of her home back in Taverley Dungeon, though this one was much bigger. The sunlight illuminating the cave didn’t come from above like she was expecting, but rather from a huge hole in the side that broke the side of the cliff. Rallis leaned out the sunny entrance in awe. She was standing high above the world, the only thing above her the house held up by the peak of the cliff. Below her was a view straight out of a painting. The dense forest below thinned and disappeared in the near distance, framing a pure crystalline lake that shimmered like diamonds. Terrestrial creatures lounged by the lake edge, sleeping in the warm sun or dipping their tails into the lake to cool off. Aquatic creatures swam under the pristine surface, sometimes coming up to grab a snack or nibble on a sleepy tail thinking it was food. Screeches filled the air as beasts of all shape and color flew overhead, vanishing into the mist that bordered the pocket dimension. It was a sight to behold.

“This place is amazing,” Rallis whispered. “How could anyone be unhappy here? It’s a paradise! I wouldn’t mind living here, that’s for sure.” She was determined even more now to show Sen this place was worth living for.

Other than the pretty view, there was nothing Rallis could do down here. She made her way back up topside and asked the cats what to do next.

“Fix the kitchen!” Yomiel hollered. “Maybe that'll make Sen actually want to cook for us. I'm tired of the usual garbage.”

“Ooo that's a good idea,” Eve agreed. “Make sure you make a space to keep milk! I love milk.”

“Alrighty! Let's get to work then!” Rallis exclaimed. The four ran off to the kitchen, a decent sized room connected to the open garden on the first floor. The entire kitchen was buried beneath layers of grime and dust. The floor was brown and crunchy with dead leaves and dirt. The racks held cobwebs as heavy as the rusty pots and pans. The cabinets were bereft of food and held only bugs, which Yomiel promptly chased after and killed. The wood kitchen table and benches were starting to rot from mistreatment and age. This place was a disgusting nightmare.

“Geez, it looks like no one has set foot in here since the God Wars!” Rallis said. “Don't any of you use this place at all?”

Sissel and Eve shook their heads. “It's not like we can cook,” Sissel said. “And Sen doesn't eat. They're a spirit. They live off magic and will, not food. We find our food elsewhere, usually from the farms of your world.” 

Yomiel crashed through a cabinet and bit down on a roach, killing it before eating it whole. Rallis gave a disgusted face. “Or if you're Yomiel, you just do that,” Eve said disgustedly.

Rallis sneezed at the dust cloud that had floated up with all of Yomiel’s bug chasing. “Let's get started then. We should dust and wash everything so we can see what needs to be fixed or replaced. Once everything is all cleaned and fixed, I can make you guys a great big meal! How does that sound?”

The three cats meowed excitedly and got to work. Rallis swept out the dirt and leaves and investigated the state of the wood table and benches. They were damaged but salvageable. She would just need to find some extra wood to carve a few new legs and some polish to seal them against the elements. Yomiel continued to chase out the bugs and rip off any cobwebs he could find. Sissel dusted the cookware off and dropped them into the thankfully functioning sink for him and Eve to wash. Yomiel wanted nothing to do with water and instead helped Rallis find some wood to work with to help fix the furnishings. Where these cats were always vanishing to and how they were returning with things much larger and heavier than themselves Rallis had no clue, but she decided the ways of cat magic were not for her to understand.

In no time at all, Rallis had ripped off the rotting table leg and made a new one to replace it. She took a break from the hard work to admire the now sparkling clean kitchen. There was some sawdust on the floor now, but otherwise the stone tile glistened underfoot. Sissel had a wet rag in his mouth, having just finished scrubbing the last hard to reach corner of the floor. The cookware was all cleaned and drying now, the ones too rusted to use anymore put in a pile to be melted down and made anew. Yomiel slithered out of a drawer, the tip of his tail dusty from cleaning out the edges. All in all, the kitchen looked brand new, save for the benches that needed some new wood for the legs. The three cats hopped over to Rallis to join her on a break.

Eve smiled as she looked at their work. “Oh, I haven’t seen this place look this beautiful in so long. I’d cry if I could.”

The sun was setting now, a calming blaze of colors. Yomiel curled up in a fading sun spot with a purr. “It’s nice to have a place to lie down that’s not completely foul.”

“This truly is wonderful,” Sissel said. “I knew I was right in following my hunch to bring you here.” He headbutted Rallis’ arm in thanks. “Hopefully this will give Sen some hope. Perhaps they will even work with us on the rest of the house. That would surely make Allahan happy.”

“Who is Allahan?” Rallis asked.

“A name that is never to be spoken in this house ever again!” a new voice snarled.

The four jolted to attention. Standing in the entrance to the kitchen was a furious Sen, spines flared and stance ready to attack. “What did you do to this place?!” they hissed.

“We were just--!” Rallis started, but Sissel hushed her with a wave of his tail.

“This was my idea, Sen,” the black cat told them calmly. “I roped Yomiel, Eve, and Rallis into this. Do not be mad at them.”

“I’ll be mad at whoever I damn well please! You do all of this and bring up his name?! What are you trying to pull?”

“Sen, you are dying,” Sissel said very seriously. “You sleep in your room all day and do nothing to keep this place as the beacon of hope it once was. It has rotted for centuries and so have you. Look at your fur! It isn’t even orange anymore! Your spines are nearly see-through! You’re one mistake from fading back into the spirit world and becoming familiar fodder! You are just like this place, abandoned and breaking. But look!” Sissel motioned around the kitchen and garden with his tail. “This place can be mended and so can you! Please, we just want to make you and this place great again. I’m tired of seeing you suffer. Allahan would be too.”

Sen roared. “DO NOT SPEAK HIS NAME IN THIS PLACE!”

The three cats cowered behind Rallis and the dragon bolted up from the floor with a snarl in return. “Don’t shout at your friends like that! They’re trying to help you! Your friend wandered into an entirely different world from his own, searched for a complete stranger they had to put their trust in that would help, and spent all this time making a plan to help you feel better! And you yell at him? You’re a terrible friend!”

“I don’t want to hear anything from you, you unwanted pest! You don’t know anything about what’s going on here!”

“I know enough to know that you don’t deserve your friends!” Rallis sassed back. “And I bet this Allahan left because he realized you weren’t a good friend too!”

The three cats cowering by Rallis’ feet gasped in fear. Sen froze, their eyes wide with newfound fury. Their claws slid out, their spines stood bristling, their fangs shone in a maddening snarl, and the beast leapt onto Rallis with a roar. The dragon yelped as she was tackled to the ground. The three cats ran off and hid in a cabinet, watching in fear. Sen tried their best to bite Rallis, but Rallis knew what to do. She grabbed the large cat beast’s mouth and held it shut, eliciting an angry growl from Sen. Sen scratched at the hand holding their mouth shut, leaving a mark down Rallis’ arm. Rallis hissed through her teeth, pulled her feet up, and launched Sen off her. The beast howled in surprise as they tumbled out of the kitchen and into the garden. They were weak and hadn’t had to fight in a long time. It was quite obvious they were rusty.

The three cats ran out from their hiding place. “Stop it, Sen!” Sissel shouted. “There’s no reason to fight! Just talk it out!”

Sen just roared in response and flashed their claws. They launched themself at Rallis and missed spectacularly. Rallis spun around and grabbed the large cat by the fur and yanked them toward the hole in the center of the garden. Sen yelped as the dragon tossed them into the cavern below.

“I’ll try to talk some sense into them, don’t worry,” Rallis called out to the cats as she ducked into the hole. “Stay out there where you won’t get hurt!”

Sen ungracefully flopped down the steps and landed at the stony bottom with a huff. They were too weak to rise from the nasty fall. Rallis leapt down and crouched over the tired defeated beast. “Done having a tantrum yet?” Rallis said.

Sen growled back. Were this back in the day, this damn dragon would be dead and mounted over the fireplace. But as it was, just that little display in the kitchen wore them out like they had just fought off an entire army single-handedly. They could barely stand up from the floor. “I want to bite through your stupid ears and give you a piercing to remember.”

“You don’t look like you could if you wanted to. Getting angry makes you tired. I know that firsthand. I used to get angry at Denulth all the time and then I’d be really tired in the morning, which made me angry, which made me more tired, which made me… well you get it. Uncle Cake said when I’m angry like that, I should talk my feelings out. Why don’t you try it with me right now?”

Sen snorted. “I’m not spilling my life story to a stranger.”

“That might be the best person to spill it to,” Rallis tried. “People you don’t know have different… oh what’s the word… Per-something. The word that means a new way of seeing something. I can never remember it.” Sen still didn’t seem convinced and turned their head away grumpily. “Hey,” Rallis tried again. “I’m not gonna hurt you with what you tell me or anything. I just want to help. I like helping people! Also, I don’t really think we’re strangers anymore considering I just spent all day fixing your house.”

Sen looked up at the face looking back down at them. That damn dragon had a doofy smile and kind eyes. She really did look like she wanted to help, and for no other reason than to be kind to others. It really reminded them of--.

They shook their head. Don’t think about him. Not now. Sen relented. “Fine! I’ll talk! Stop looking at me like a stupid sappy kitten.”

Rallis smiled and held a hand out for Sen to take. The cat grumbled as they took it and peeled themself off the floor. Rallis happily trotted over to the hole in the cavern wall so they could at least have a pretty view of the sun setting on the lake while they talked. Rallis sat down and patted the floor for Sen to sit beside her. They begrudgingly took their seat. For a moment, neither of them said anything, the two of them just watching the sun set over the lake, listening to the birds and the beasts sing as they flew by. It was so peaceful, Sen couldn’t help but calm down a bit.

Rallis nudged the cat beast with her tail and looked expectantly. Sen grumbled. Where would they even begin? So much pissed them off lately that it was hard to pinpoint one thing to talk about. Rallis sensed they needed some help so she prompted them.

“You were pretty mad about me and the cats cleaning up and fixing the place. Why?”

“Because there’s no point,” Sen grumbled.

“No point to fixing it up a bit? But you live here. And the cats. And the wyverns in the nests up above and all sorts of creatures. Don’t you want to live somewhere nice?”

“I don’t care. Nice, messy, clean, ruined. It doesn’t matter. If this place broke to bits tomorrow, nothing would change.”

Rallis squinted at Sen. “I think… you’re lying! I think you care a lot about this place! You wouldn’t get all mad if you didn’t care like you said. So instead of trying to lie to me and say you don’t care, why don’t you tell me why you do?”

Sen growled. They didn’t want to. This felt uncomfortable and weird. And yet something compelled them to speak. “What do you know about this place? I imagine Sissel talked while you were with him.”

“Not much. He said this place used to be a base for search and rescue. He said you were rescued by the person who made this place so you helped him until he died, and then the place started to break down.”

Sen muttered something under their breath about Sissel being a lousy chatterbox but continued talking. “Yes, this place was created and owned by someone before me. A summoner from another world that was a master of breaking through the fabric of space and time to traverse the universe. He could call portals that would lead to the far reaches of the galaxy. He could even enter realms mortals normally couldn’t and lived to tell the tale. He wanted to use his power to help as many creatures as he could from all over the worlds. He found this little world and claimed it as his own and created this place as a base to help anything in need. They could leave once they were better, or stay and live their lives here or in another world that accepted them. He dedicated his life to his work and I have nothing but respect for him.”

Sen paused for a moment then cleared their throat. Why had they gushed like that?! How embarrassing. “Anyway, this summoner rescued me in his travels. Saved me from a much bigger hungrier spirit trying to eat me. I’m from the spirit realm, see, so I’m not meant to exist here for long. But I wanted to after he saved me. I wanted to serve and help him. I would even stoop so low as to become his familiar. He accepted my request to help him and instead of binding me to his person or some degradable object like most summoners do, he bound me to an idea, the idea of saving those in need. So long as I was willing to help his cause, I would remain in this world, and I gladly served him. For years we went on rescue missions, saving beasts from death, helping some raise children here in safety, sometimes even taking in an entire species to help transport them to a better world. We were a three creature army, him, Sissel, and I.”

“Your cat friend was there too?” Rallis asked.

Sen nodded. “Sissel was his actual familiar. He’s from the same world as Al- ...the summoner. Sissel too lives like I do, immortal so long as he remains bound to an idea. Along the way we also found Yomiel and Eve and invited them in the same way.” Sen sighed sadly as they continued. “Not many years after, the summoner died. He was growing weak with age and went out on a rescue by himself. I felt something was wrong and ran after him, but I was too late. He was killed saving a creature in need, just as he had always done, only this time he was attacked by a pack of humans that wanted the creatures extinct. They killed him for helping ‘the enemy.’ I can’t stand those miserable closed-minded creatures.” They ended their tale with a growl.

“I’m sorry,” Rallis said. “He sounded very nice and like a truly good person. It’s nice to know that somewhere there are people willing to help creatures like you and me. It sounds like you also like him very much. Why would you want what he left behind to fall to ruin? Wouldn’t you want to keep this home looking nice and clean, ready and able to continue helping creatures from around the worlds?”

“It doesn’t matter!” Sen snapped. They placed their head in their hand for a moment to gather themself. “He died that day doing what was right. Even though he was a good person, a saint to the worlds, he died. The creatures we spent countless years saving have died. Their children we helped care for and raise have died. Any creature that has passed through here will also one day die. What is the point of continuing this pointless endeavor knowing that every creature will one day die, no matter how much we work to help them, no matter how good or kind they are?”

Rallis’ ears drooped. What a terrible depressing thought, the realization you will outlive all those around you no matter how much you help them. Rallis shook the thought out of her head. She wasn’t ready to think too hard about that either. But she would think about it enough to help Sen.

“It does matter. What that man did mattered. What you did mattered. Just because those you help eventually pass on doesn’t mean what you did didn’t matter. You made their lives better. You made their childrens’ lives possible. You gave them a second chance to be the best they could be. Isn’t that enough, knowing that without your help these creatures would have been miserable and died slowly and painfully and maybe not even exist anymore? Isn’t it enough to know you helped them live the life they were meant to?”

Sen went quiet. A large part of them wanted to say no, it isn’t enough. The end result was always the same. They all died. Allahan died… No matter what they did. No matter the healing spell Sen used, no matter the potion or bandage, no matter the herb or magic or cureall, their best friend had still died in their arms. Because he was mortal. Because no matter what help you give or receive, one day you will die. But another smaller hopeful part of Sen was shouting that it did matter. The time they spent saving lives mattered. And it mattered now more than ever. So why were they getting so mopey and letting their home go to ruin?!

“I… don’t know,” Sen admitted. “I don’t know if it’s enough. Once he… Allahan… died, I didn't want to exist anymore. I didn't want to be where he wasn't. I didn't want to help anything anymore. It didn't matter if he wasn't here. A lot of me still feels that way.” They sighed. “I was mad at you and the cats started to fix the house because… because I wanted this place to rot. I wanted the ideals that bound me here to rot with it. I thought maybe if I did that, if I let go of everything that meant something to me here, I could fade away and see him again. But now I realize I'll never see him again and I have only brought myself closer to returning to a realm I hate with no way to return, and I fear it's too late for me to come back. I'll likely fade away in a few months.”

Rallis’ face melted into a look of sorrow. She said she would try to help but this was a lot to unpack and she was more used to being the one venting and not being vented to. Is this what Grimro went through when Rallis shoved her issues onto the unsuspecting vampyre? Rallis thought about what she said next carefully, trying her best to think what Grimro would say to make this better.

“I’m sorry,” Rallis finally broke the silence. “I wish I had all the answers for you but I don’t. But I want to help as best as I can! You’ve gone through a lot but I think you can come back from this. And your kitty cat friends think so too! Even though one of your friends is gone, you’ve got other friends that care for you that are still here. And I’ll be your friend too! Let us all help you! Take it one day at a time, and find something that makes you even a little happy every day. If you can do that, things will get better, I know it! We won’t let you disappear on us and we’ll show you there’s a reason to keep going!”

Sen gave the dragon an odd look. “You are one weird beast. I barely know you and yet I find myself opening up to you and you actually listen and try to help. Hmph, this whole day has been quite unusual.” They paused for a moment and took the view in, the setting sun on the lake, the creatures below heading home for the night that would soon fall, the tranquility of a haven that existed nowhere else. “I… I don’t want to leave this place. But I feel like I don’t belong here anymore. Without my friend, I just feel lost, like I have no purpose. I don’t know what to do.”

“You do belong here and you do have a purpose,” Rallis assured. “If you didn’t, your friend wouldn’t have saved you and stayed by your side for so long. Why don’t you start finding your new place by helping the four of us fix up the place tomorrow? We only got two rooms done and there are a lot to go. An extra pair of paws would help a lot.”

“Hmm… Alright, fine, I’ll help you all out tomorrow. Maybe fixing up this place will feel at least a little productive. You can stay here if you like. There are many bedrooms upstairs, but I’m sure you can imagine they aren’t exactly well kept or clean.”

“Thank you! And that’s fine with me,” Rallis said. “I’m used to sleeping outside or in caves anyway. A bed of any kind is always nice!” She gave Sen a big smile. “I’m glad I could help you at least a little bit. Tomorrow will be even better!” She gave the cat a hug, careful of their spines, and quickly dashed back upstairs to tell the cat trio what had happened. 

Sen fluffed out their fur. Getting hugged after so long felt weird. But they didn’t hate it. They watched night take over the sky for a moment longer and thought to themself. ‘What a pest your familiar brought home, Allahan. Bubbly and sticking her nose into others’ business. She reminds me a lot of you when you were younger. ...I really miss you… And I’m sorry I haven’t been taking care of this place… or myself. Maybe tomorrow things will change.’

That was enough thinking and moping for one day. Sen joined Rallis and the cats upstairs and showed Rallis to her room before crashing for the night themself.

Over the next few days Rallis, Sissel, Yomiel, Eve, and Sen spent their time cleaning up the entire house, from the bottom pits of the forge in the cliff to the tallest peak of the library and observatory. Every new room uncovered wowed Rallis and Sen couldn’t help but snicker at how amazed the dragon was at everything, like an excitable child at the fair. Working and actually doing something other than sleeping all day felt good. Cleaning wasn’t as epic or noble as saving species but it gave Sen more of a purpose than they had had in a long while. Rallis didn’t get around to fixing most of the damaged furniture, apparently the feline trio were stealing the supplies from a lumber worker and Rallis reprimanded them, but cleaning the whole base was a solid first step.

The five hard workers rest up in the kitchen after a long day of work, Sen actually making use of the now usable kitchen for the first time in who knew how many years. They made fish for everyone. The cats jumped onto the table, excited to have an actual meal for once. They had been extremely grateful of Rallis’ help talking and listening to Sen and they worked even harder once Sen decided to get involved. They were sure to sleep well after dinner tonight. The three cats and Rallis were so hungry they didn't speak, their mouths too full of delicious food to talk, until Sissel noticed something and almost spat out his meal in shock.

“Oh my goodness!” Sissel exclaimed. “Sen have you looked in a mirror lately? Your fur! I swear it's more orange now!”

Sen hadn't noticed. They looked at the fur on their hands and sure enough it was no longer the dull faded brown Rallis had seen when they met for the first time. It was turning a pale orange.

“Your spines look more solid as well,” Eve said. “They're blacker and less see-through.”

Sen craned their head to take a look at some of the spines on their shoulder and Eve was right as well. “Huh,” was all they said.

“You're starting to look like a larupia now!” Rallis said. “I love larupias!”

“As do I. Why do you think I chose to look like one in this realm? Just don't expect me to sprout a tail or walk on four legs.”

“I think you look good even without a tail,” Rallis smiled. “Are you gonna look even better later?”

Sen looked down at the table. “I… I guess I will. If I keep working anyway. As long as I continue pursuing the idea I'm bound to, I will recover. I never thought I would. It feels… good.”

Rallis smiled wide. “That's good! I'm glad you're getting better! I told you you could! Now you gotta work to be the best you can be! We could go back to Gielinor and adventure together, finding all sorts of creatures in need and taking care of them! We could be the best duo ever!”

Rallis’ excitement was contagious and Sen couldn't help but smile a small smile. “I don't think I'm ready for that. Let's take it slow. I don't think I'm strong enough to leave this world and explore others. It will take time to become what I once was, if I even can at all.”

“You can and you will!” Rallis exclaimed. “And I'll keep helping you. If you can't leave to help creatures, then I'll just have to bring them here so you can help them! Oh I hope you're ready to meet all kinds of new friends to help!”

The three cats at the table looked excited at the idea. “Take it easy, dragon,” Sen huffed. “Curb your enthusiasm. This place isn't fully functional yet. Don't bring home all of Gielinor at once.”

“Aww all right. I'll help fix this place up too, I promise. I used to build stuff for people’s homes in Falador and Varrock all the time. If I find supplies, I'll bring them back and help out here! This place will be back to work in no time!”

The five chattered excitedly about the idea until dinner was done. Night fell soon after. The cats had fallen asleep, the world had grown dark and quiet, and Rallis took one final fond look at the work they all accomplished before quietly opening the heavy front doors to leave.

“You're going back to Gielinor then?” a voice asked from the darkness, stopping the dragon in her tracks. It was Sen.

“Yeah,” Rallis nodded. “I should get back to adventuring now, not that this wasn't an adventure too. I need to continue seeing the world and trying to find information I'm after. I'm hoping enough time has passed now that I won't get arrested by the Ardougne knights.”

Sen gave a thoughtful grunt, then silence. “...You could… stay here. If you want. Sissel really likes you. And Eve. Even Yomiel does too and he hates everyone. You're… part of the family now.”

Rallis looked at the imposing entrance to the home once more, the vine covered dragon ornaments beckoning her to return. Rallis never thought she would ever have an actual house to live in. She figured she would spend the rest of her days in caves, then once she became an adventurer she figured outside or the odd inn or friend’s place would be where she stayed. But a whole house, no, a whole castle to call her own? She couldn't have expected that at all.

“I can't stay here all the time. I need to get back out there and learn things. And there's still people to help! If I wasn't an adventurer, I wouldn't have met you after all! But coming back here when I need a break or a place to stay would be really nice. And I want to see all of you again too. So I will accept your offer and stay! Just not all the time.”

Sen walked closer and held out their hand. “Then goodbye and safe travels. And when you return, it will be a welcome home.”

Rallis took their hand but instead of shaking it, she hugged the cat beast. Sen huffed and let it happen. Rallis smiled at Sen once she broke the hug. “If this is home, that means we're family now! And we're gonna be the best family ever!”

Sen blinked slowly. ‘Family… What a thought. I guess I don't hate the idea.’ They shook out their fur and went back to business. “Here. I have these for you.” They held out a stack of stone squares with runes engraved along the edges. “Break one of these at any portal frame you find and you can return here. I remember there being a good few portals in Gielinor so no matter where your travels take you, you should be able to get home. And I can always make more if you need them.”

“Thank you. I promise I'll come back. I should get going now, before it gets too late. Make sure you take care of yourself and keep pursuing your own purpose! And remember, take life one day at a time!”

“Yeah, yeah, I will,” Sen dismissed. They waved Rallis off. “Now get lost, dragon. Go explore.”

Rallis smiled and waved goodbye. She dashed down the mountain, into the forest, and through the clearing where the bronze portal frame lay, activated and ready to take her back to Gielinor. She took one last look around and jumped through the purple glow. The grass beneath her feet turned to stone as she returned to Yanille. She was in the middle of the stone portal frame, inactive and silent in the black of night. Rallis looked around warily for the knights that were here a week or so ago, but not a soul was out and about. She breathed a sigh of relief and bolted out of town. She was ready to continue her adventure, and she couldn't wait to tell her new family all about her findings once she returned home.

My personal 2020 GOTYs

1) Hades

This game, dudes. THIS GAME. A fraction of the budget, a fraction of the dev team size, reportedly HEALTHY development schedule and management...and imo it offers at least some of everything I want out of a single player video game. I have poured over 60 hours into this and I see myself putting in some more over time and ALL of the time I have spent has felt rewarding and edifying. Clever design, smart writing, organic voice acting, sharp gameplay, and all done at a fraction of the resources of these big budget, bloated games. You love to see it.

2) Final Fantasy 7 Remake (Part 1?)

I went into this year not caring much about this game at all. FF7 was a game I played as a teen, enjoyed, respected, and moved on from pretty easily. This Remake, so far, has done more than I could’ve expected in terms of actually REMAKING a game. It’s literally a new adaptation, and I as pleasantly surprised at just how hard it went. From realizing the world of Midgar into something so full of detail and plausibility, to reiterating and doubling down on its postmodern anti-corporation themes, to making Barret the character I loved the MOST somehow?? Combining everything I love about real-time RPG action with a tactical strategy element long missing from the genre, reimagining and fleshing out characters and concepts into something deeper and more meaningful...I’ve never considered myself a huge FF7 fan but this game was really something, and I absolutely cannot wait for more (and praying they do my girl Yuffie justice). I’ve been super skeptical of Nomura as a director given...the mess that has become Kingdom Hearts, but as it turns out, when he has others to reign things in, some surprisingly nuanced stuff for an anime game can come out of it. It has its flaws, to be sure, but it’s still the most enjoyable experience I had with a big budget game this year.

3) The Last of Us Part 2

I feel conflicted over this one in particular - I feel Neil is not longer a director I respect the way I did back with the first game. I feel Naughty Dog is falling victim to all of the late capitalist issues plaguing big budget game dev. But I also love this game. It’s much more flawed than the first, but that’s mainly because it’s more ambitious and complicated. It’s THE most flawed game on this game, honestly, but overall as a game I am compelled to respect its writing, its gutsier decisions, its art direction, acting, presentation, etc. It’s an impressive game and the most technically impressive game I played all year if not all generation. Props where they’re due, but at the same time, I think this game was poorly directed and I love it in spite of issues with its production, rather than because of some strong vision. That’s the big Sony bucks, I suppose, matched with a dev team willing and apparently somehow able to fulfil what they want to create. I still get the impression there was a bit of ‘design by committee for a mainstream audience’ kind of shit going on - how could there not with something this big? - and as a result I think the game is a bit bloated. Shave off about 3-5 hours from a few spots and it’d be a more focused game, and maybe I’d feel more edified and satisfied rather than weirdly conflicted. Even so, a huge accomplishment and I hope to see more games tackle premises as ambitious as this down the road.

4) Bug Fables

This game technically launched last year but it debuted on console in 2020, and I didn’t play it until then. This is as close to a follow-up to old school Paper Mario as it gets, while simultaneously doing a lot to forge its own identity and even improve on the formula presented in the previous games. Its rough around the edges but that’s mainly because it’s an independent game, and it’s amazing just how well the dev team was able to reproduce the scope and details of this specific subgenre of RPG, all while continuously implementing new game design elements and multiple features that make it feel more modern in its direction. Fantastic stuff, I’m still not even finished with it because I’ve been taking my sweet time, though I intend to finally finish it this month, and I have to say, it’s quite a special game in my opinion.

5) Fall Guys: Ultimate Knockout

Absolute banger of a multiplayer game, really love the presentation, the concept, the overall execution, the way the team has been updating the game every month or so in response to feedback and implementing new content. So good to see the battle royale genre FINALLY pushed beyond just...arena shooting. Can’t wait to see where else this game can go over time.

6) Animal Crossing: New Horizons

Somehow this one slipped my mind when I first wrote this up, despite having poured well over 100 hours into it this year. I think part of it is that New Horizons did a lot of things I’ve wanted the series to do for so long, and yet is still far behind in terms of so many other things I wish they would do. Quality of life things prevent me from really re-investing into it, and yet despite that I have to admit it REALLY sucked me in for a solid few weeks and I continued to play off and on for months. It was the perfect game we collectively needed right when it came out and graphically I can’t think of how to really improve on that style. A really relaxing getaway I needed earlier this year, though like with previous AC games, I don’t find myself going back to it as much as I’d think I would.

7) Going Under

A surprise hit for me, this rogue-like swooped in from ‘heh that looks amusing’ to ‘oh wow this is legit just a great game.’ Its weird visuals, funky 3D gameplay, and surprisingly sharp storytelling make for a rogue-like unlike any other and one totally near the top for me.

8) Marvel’s Spider-Man: Miles Morales

Squeezed this in just this past week or so, and this one also satisfied me greatly. I wish we’d see more big budget open-world games like this -- laser focused, not wasting any time, and not being repetitious aside for completionists. So cool to see another team’s take on Miles after how much I fell for Into the Spider-verse, and very glad the team both homages that movie while subverting some expectations fans of the film might have, all while continuing to adapt Insomniac’s take on Spider-Man from a couple years ago.

9) Demon’s Souls (Remake)

As a big fan of FromSoft who never got too far into this one originally, it’s been great to visit it as if it’s a new Souls game with an alternate art style. And a very clean art style it has. This was a good pick to be remastered because many, even FromSoft fans like myself, missed out on it, and it feels unique from its predecessors while still showing a solid foundation they’d go on to build from.

10) Crash Bandicoot 4

An amazingly well done follow-up to the original trilogy, this game GETS what makes old school Crash games good, and it improves upon things in a number of ways, from making Coco the alternate hero, bringing back old faces in new lights, going ham with the visuals both in raw art and unique filters when replaying stages, and giving incentive for completion with so many great costumes. Well done, great old school platforming with modern design sensibilities. 

Honorable Mentions:

CrossCode

This also technically launched before 2020 but I didn’t play it until this year, and I don’t think it hit consoles until this year. I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect going in, just remembering that I had enjoyed the demo well enough. This game delivers in most ways you could want from an indie game, with an expansive world of sidequests and RPG growth, a flexible combat system that can be nailbiting and engaging, and old-school dungeon designs with lots of environmental and elemental puzzles that really ask a lot of you. All of this capped with a surprisingly great narrative with characters I grew to love, including a much needed protagonist with a unique identity unlike any in games that I’ve played, as well as extra bits of detail and production values invested at JUST the right moments where the story needs it the most. It feels a bit tedious at times and part of me wishes more of the sidequest content involved direct interactions with the named, recurring characters, but it’s still one of the most impressive and well-done indie games I’ve ever played.

Katana ZERO

Razor-sharp game design, this one. It’s a brief but intensely focused experience that feels like the video game equivalent of a slick, experimental indie film. Could do with some more replayablity for those who want it but what’s here is just damn good and I gobbled this game down like a fantastic, hand-cooked meal at an atmospheric dive bar barely anyone knows about.

Necrobarista

Haven’t quite finished it yet but this is definitely one of the best visual novels I’ve ever experienced just due to how hard it goes on presentation and pushing for a more cinematic and thoughtful vibe than any other VN I’ve ever experienced. The characters and writing feel ripped out of an early 2000′s webcomic, for better and for worse, but all the same, it’s some fantastic stuff and it’s so refreshing to see a game set in Australia tackling a well-worn genre by giving it a new spin.

Slay the Spire

Another personal pick since this released in 2019, and I’m not quite sure which consoles it hit or when, but I didn’t get into it until early this year, and was totally hooked. Fantastically addictive, probably the most well-design deck-building rogue-like I’ve seen, certainly one of my favorite deck-building games in general. Apparently I’ve sunk 50 hours into it this year, more than most on this list, and I wouldn’t be surprised if that number spikes up again at some point.

101 DRAGON AGE QUESTIONS | not accepting

for the sake of reducing the number of ooc posts i’m answering these all in one and just @ing the people who asked the questions! thank you for them all!

if you sent me one of these btw and rbed this meme yourself and i didn’t send you something, please let me know! i want to send you things back and must have missed you reblogging the meme. this includes non-mutuals.

1. How did you get into Dragon Age? | asked by @kaaras-adaar & @dreamerlavellan​

Sort of by accident, actually. It was the summer between my freshman and sophomore years in university (2011) and summertime is generally a time of inactivity and depression because I cannot tolerate the weather here. My dad happened to own Origins and I picked it up because??? Fantasy? RPG?

Starting the game I saw you could play as a dwarf, who have been my favourites in fantasy since a child as The Hobbit is among my favourite books. Then after that I fell in love with the worldbuilding for dwarves and Gorim, my first actual Dragon Age love. I was more or less hooked after that. DA was actually not my first Bioware game, I was obsessed with Jade Empire as a kid so like Origins appealed to me immediately despite being far less fun to play than literally any other Bioware game I’ve ever played. The characters and world more than made up for it.

I beat it relatively quickly and my dad bought Dragon Age II which had come out earlier that day, actually against my suggestion because I’d heard it wasn’t good. And in this instance my dad forgetting something I said turned out for the best because I ended up enjoying DAII more in some respects. While it took me a while to join the fandom as a content producer I was a consumer and certified DA trash from then on.

2. Have you finished all three games? | asked by @kaaras-adaar

Kskjdfs yes. I’ve beaten each at least 4 times, but probably more like 8. The only thing I haven’t played are some of the Origins DLC because as much as I enjoy my replays I am so ready to be out by the end of the game (and I have the worst luck with Awakening bugs) and I also don’t have Sebastians DLC b/c his never goes on sale individually and I refuse to spend more than like $4 on him.

3. How long did it take you to finish the series? | asked by @kaaras-adaar

I honestly don’t know. I think it took me like a week to beat Inquisition without 100%ing it, I’d say my first playthroughs all probably took about that long. I tend not to do everything in my first playthrough. Like shard collecting didn’t happen until round two, etc.

7. Favorite DA:O backstory? | asked by @dreamerlavellan & @fatefaulted

I’ve played through all of them and I enjoy them all except Cousland, but my favourite is Aeducan. I enjoy the politics, the culture, the aesthetic of Orzammar. I love Gorim Saelac and the surprising amount of depth to this character who is designed to be thrown away after the prologue. I love how it ties you to the Darkspawn threat in a bigger way than any of the origins accomplish. I love how it ties you to the Orzammar plot later in the game, and playing Aeducan first is probably one reason why I adore that branch of the game. It’s a good origin that establishes its world really well and has great characters to boot.

11. Share a pic of your favorite OC from any DA game. | asked by @dreamerlavellan

I just want to share pics of my girl and Solas’ future husband.

Ian Lavellan, non-Inquisitor written by @theshirallen

Thora Cadash, dwarven Inquisitor and default Inquisitor for this blog written by... me lmao.

22. Favorite DA2 party combo? | asked by @fatefaulted

My main Hawke is a mage Hawke, so this party is horrendously imbalanced, but: Varric, Merrill, Isabela. They all just like each other and I think that’s neat. Although in act one my favourite is probably Carver, Merrill, Isabela / Varric. Unfortunately the game doesn’t want me to have a warrior in my party.

24. Favorite main-story quest from DA:I? | asked by @kaaras-adaar

It’s hard to pick between In Hushed Whispers and In Your Heart Shall Burn. I love seeing the red lyrium’d companions and the dark future of Thedas, and speculating on what happened in the intervening year. I love reflecting on what it must do for the Inquisitor to see that and have it be undone. I think it sets up the rest of the game really well, and in ways Champions of the Just doesn’t do quite as well.

In Your Heart Shall burn is a simpler quest but I think the power and emotions in the quest are so raw. Playing this the first time was riveting and I was on the edge of my seat. The triumph of closing the Breach, the strangeness of your first encounter with Cole (whose appearance at the gates is another reason I prefer IHW tbh, I think it’s more tension building than Dorian’s), Corypheus, crawling through the snow. Capping it off with The Dawn Will Come and the journey to Skyhold idk, it’s just such an emotional high point in the series that every time I replay I get goosebumps.

25. Favorite DA:I place? | asked by @fatefaulted

It’s a tie between the Frostback Basin and the Emerald Graves. I love the lore in both, as elf trash I prefer the lore in the graves especially if I can include the Din’an Hanin into that category. But the Avvar lore and Ameridan is also Very Good, and while I adore the giant trees of the graves the Frostback Basin clearly was able to have more resources poured into its design, and as a result the different sections of the map have so much more character.

A close runner-up is the Hinterlands, as I think the quests there are fun and it feels like home. I enjoy returning to it. Which is good, b/c I’ve played through it... a lot... I think loving it might be a coping mechanism, but also I love the vibe of the early game that’s best captured in the Hinterlands.

32. Favorite DLC mission overall? | asked by @fatefaulted

Trespasser is up there with Shivering Isles as my favourite DLC ever produced. Its hits every emotional beat I think it needed to hit, set up the next game with greater detail and intrigue than the initial epilogue, and I’m honestly dying to get to replay it again on Thora despite what it does to my nerves. The first time I played it I could feel my heart beating faster like wtf me.

37. Blood magic: yes or no? | asked by @hopewrought​

Would I use it myself? No. Morally I think it can be reprehensible but also neutral, much like any other magic in the game. In certain characters I think even if used for good it may encourage unhealthy habits, but I think it can be learned to be engaged with in better ways.

59. Who was written really poorly? | asked by @theshirallen you can’t hide behind anon I know it was you

Oghren fucking Kondrat. When I think about the reasons Origins is my least favourite game he is among them. With Oghren there was a really good chance to portray an alcoholic abuse victim, suffering from severe mental health issues, and still mourning his wife, with the respect it deserves. Instead he just... is a gross sexist dwarf and his alcoholism is mostly played for jokes. And then he comes back in Awakening and... continues to be a gross sexist dwarf whose alcoholism is mostly played for jokes.

There could have been some really interesting stuff with Oghren, the Warrior caste of dwarves I think would suffer from issues similar to qunari warriors, where when they can no longer fill the purpose society has dictated they must serve, what then? They can’t do anything but fight. There could be comradery with Sten, or perhaps Zevran or Alistair, or any of the companions who have had the path their lives took dictated to them by societal forces they had no say in (even if they are happy with that direction). There are snippets of good stuff in here, the line “let us show them our hearts, Warden, and then show them theirs” is one of the best of the good-byes the game offers us imo. It’s a shame about what came before.

Like there are other characters, such as Sera, who I think were done dirty by their writers, but Sera at least got some growth in the DLC and there were attempts to address criticism of her character. Oghren in Awakening was just kind of a take two of an already poorly-done arc.

60. Who do you wish had been given more story? | asked by @hopewrought​

I wish Briala had more, like that she had some impact on the story in universes where Gaspard isn’t crowned with her as his puppetmaster. She and the elves reappears in that but not if you reunite her with Celene or exile her, and I think it would’ve been neat. I also wish she’d had a chance to interact with Solas in some small way given how many parallels were drawn by one of his own agents during Masked Empire.

I also wish we had more about dwarves in general in 2 and Inquisition. We get some great lore in Inquisition that was set up in 2, but with our only dwarf companion being Varric, who honestly has a relationship with his race that at times is comparable to Sera’s, it pulls a few of its punches. I really think they have dwarves set up to be important players in the next game, with their architecture featuring heavily in the dev diary, buuut no dwarves to be seen. So who knows. Just give me dwarves in the next game who aren’t Varric Bioware pls. Let me kiss one maybe.

61. Favorite NPC? | asked by @kaaras-adaar​

I’m not going to count advisors even though they kinda are NPCs and I’m going to answer one for each game so uhh...

Origins - Anora

DA2 - Feynriel

DA:I - Krem

Bonus - Lord Woolsley, the only unproblematic DA character

63. Best story moment? | asked by @ghilannainguideme

It’s a tie between the journey to Skyhold and the talk with Solas at the end of Trespasser and the resulting disbanding of the Inquisition (if you so choose). I really can’t separate them because I think the reason Trespasser works so well is how it calls back to the very beginning of Inquisition and that moment with Solas in the snow. It’s triumphant and sad, something’s ending, the fellowship is breaking, but you know all of you will continue to work towards a better world apart.

In DA:O I think it’d be saying good-bye before the final battle and in DA2 I think the moment where you can tell the Arishok he was right to take in the elves who killed that guardmen is good. Probably one of the reasons why I think Hawke-Arishok work so well as a protagonist-antagonist combination.

81. Favorite fanfic? | asked by @ghilannainguideme​

I don’t read a lot of fanfic, actually. Save what I read on here, which I do count, but idk if other people do.

My favourite writers to read are @theshirallen​, obviously. Joly wants to tweakIan’s personal quest but I think the version they have written now is still very good and you can find it here. I love reading Peace’s stuff and find their smut especially spicy in the best possible way, you can find a Merrill/f!Mahariel piece here! Gaia doesn’t write on Tumblr much these days, but she wrote a wonderful Tug/Sketch (the companions from Leliana’s Song) that you can find here.

I follow so many talented writers and I can’t list them all but here are a few I can fire off real fast: @theshirallen / @ghilannainguideme / @seahaloed / @sabraelin / @valorcorrupt / @mercysought / @hopewrought / @ofrevas / @skyheld have all moved me with their words at some point, be it in fic or rp.

82. Favorite fanart/fanartist? | asked by @ghilannainguideme

Again I just can’t choose jsdfks.

The easiest way is to just link my Solas fanart tag. Obviously this favours Solas artists, however, so also here’s a link to thedaswlw where there’s a boatload of amazing fanart all of wlw.

Of people I’m mutuals with I know @abracafockyou, @kaaras-adaar, @dalathin (currently inactive but I gotta link them), and @syntharts​ are all very talented artists.  I’m also a big fan of destinyapostacy, nipuni, elbenherzart, starscollected (on twitter), and many more.

97. What’s your favorite DA mod? | asked by @ghilannainguideme​ & @hopewrought​

I’ll chose one as many as I want to apparently from each game again, b/c why not?

DA:O - I have to admit I find this game hard to mod because nothing can really salvage the gameplay or look of the game. I need Better Dwarf Model so I don’t have to look at the odd dwarf proportions in the game (the women have arms for days). Mostly I have armour mods. I like Grey Wardens of Ferelden so I can match Alistair in the final batte and have everyone in uniforms in Awakening. I do like Kirkwall Exports because I can put Zevran in the robes of the notorious pirate tho. I haven’t used this mod yet but I also love this mod I retweeted this morning.

DA2 - Again, I don’t mod 2 very much. You could probably make some kind of chart for correlating my enjoyment of a game versus my urge to mod it, with the more I love a game means I want to mod it more. With 2 I enjoy the combat and overall design of the characters more so I mostly use a couple of tweaks, my favourite is Ishs Scarf for Merrill which just adds a cute blue scarf to Merrill and hides the fact that elves in this game have weirdly long necks. Oh and a mod to fix the weird hand dirt.

DA:I - Equal Opportunity Solas mod, I bought the game again on PC just to use it. Being able to play Solas/Ian for screencaps was everything tbh. Other mods I enjoy are More Banter, which while I have better luck with banter it is nice to be able to count on it. I installed it this latest pt and I have heard location comments that have never triggered before. Black Hair for Everyone has changed my life because finally Thora doesn’t have grey hair. No Dirt Buildup is also amazing, as the dirt can cause some really weird blotting on PCs that’s especially noticeable on dark-skinned Inquisitors.

99. Where would you live (Ferelden, Orlais, Free Marches etc?) | asked by @heysales​​

Probably Ferelden. It is fantasy England and hey if I make it past Inquisition maybe nothing will ever happen there again. Somewhere in the Free Marches might also be chill. Not Kirkwall. Maybe Starkhaven? Honestly tho I just want to live in the Frostback Basin. Have a spirit friend. Shake hands with nugs.

101. If you could meet your Warden/Hawke/Inquisitor, what would you say? | asked by @dreamerlavellan​

If I met Thora I’d tell her I’m proud of her. She’d be confused, but that’s ok.

Here is a monster match for the resilient @moonlightreetops! Information about getting your very own monster match can be found here.

“INFJ, my sun sign is Cancer, moon sign is Pisces rising sign is Sagittarius, also ADHD inattentive soo...  🙃very forgetful due to depression and said ADHD. I'm very empathetic but can get a little too passionate with my emotions sometimes. I cry at every movie I see. No exceptions. I spend most of my time world building or painting for dnd campaigns.  Or reading. I also love hiking with my dogs as it's the only time I really get out of the house. I grew up in professional theater so the drama kid heart in me is still very strong. Whoever's my match needs to be prepared for a little bit of "extra", if you catch my drift.”

Your android isn’t fresh off the production shelves, not by a long shot, but he was tossed away as ‘defective’ shortly after being built. For whatever reason, though, whoever did it was sloppy, since the master switch to shut everything down hadn’t been pressed, resulting in your android being in ‘sleep mode’ for just over a decade. During that time, his software would remotely update, going with the flow of whatever the programmers would write, but his actual hardware could hardly keep up. He soon became an outdated model, as one does in this reality of rapidly evolving technology, and the updates weren’t exactly written for the machinery of his caliber. Yet, for whatever reason, his inner core kept accepting the incoming software, ultimately resulting in something inside him snapping awake.

Both he and you theorize that it must have been the time, plus the updates, and perhaps even the constant exposure to the elements that ignited some kind of self-awareness within his inner core. Or, it could just be a matter of time for all the other androids to follow, as he was without any mechanical checkups monitoring his awareness for quite a long while. Whatever the case may be, he’s present and in the moment, very much alive, and really can’t let many people in on that secret because god knows what will happen to him because of it. While it might be a little awkward for him to plaster a smile on his face and act like a shell, thanks to all the new cybernetic technologies, most androids tend to look and act very human, so he can get away with a lot more than he might of back when he was fresh out of the factory.

Since he was outside decomposing with the rest of the junk, his parts weren’t exactly in tip-top shape. It took a lot of careful, slow repairs to get him to even be able to walk again. Even though his central wiring system seemed to be in working order, most of his limbs and joints rusted over and eroded, so those also had to be either oiled and cleaned vigorously or unscrewed and completely replaced. Tiny seeds and saplings had taken to start growing in the metallic crevices of his body, so those had to be thoroughly washed out, and his standard blue steel had been tinted green with moss. It certainly was a look, that’s for sure, but not something that a functioning android can rock and still be able to stand on both their feet.

One of the interesting things about his type is that his synthetic skin and hair can change color whenever he feels like it, and while he might need the necessary coding for the color, once he has it, he can switch back and forth. Neon pink hair one day, then a muted, plain brown the next, it gives him an edge for blending in with, say, a rave party or a rock concert at a moment’s notice. Not that he needs to run, no, to both of your knowledge, he’s in no danger of discovery. Still, if it should it come to that, his power of camouflage might come in handy. Maybe it was a little shocking when he blinked that one time and turned his eyes blood-red, but you quickly got used to it.

Besides the fact that he can turn his skin blue the moment he wants, he looks like a regular, run of the mill person, as any signs of being made of machinery have been carefully covered up. But, like with most other androids, there are little, tiny ticks that a well-trained person might see. The way he sometimes focuses on something a little too hard, since he can zoom his eyesight in like a microscope, or the way he stands ridiculously still when at rest. Or even how he might know something about someone that may seem strange since he likes to look over a person’s social media profiles while speaking to them.

Your android likes to multitask and often has a very exact schedule for what he is doing and when. For example, he might get off his overnight charging station at five in the morning sharp, though he really doesn’t need to use it anymore, his battery has been replaced by one of those crazy nuclear fission boxes. After getting dressed in some athletic wear, he will then go for a run, not that he has any muscles to work out with. Still, he likes the feeling of the air on his face, but it helps the whole song and dance of being human, as someone will see him do the action and then internalize it without realizing it.

Then, once he gets back, he’ll make breakfast. He can’t eat, and really entirely depends on your tastebuds to do all the work, but his skill vastly improves with everything he manages to make. Once he is done with your breakfast, he will clean, and then exactly at 7:02 am, he will go off to work. His work isn’t exactly the same as, say, an office job with a guaranteed yearly salary. Your android is, after all, technically a non-citizen, and doesn’t have any of the many documents needed to prove that he’s allowed to work. Everything he does has to be under the table and off the radar.

His work, then, is a rather unorthodox way of making money. Freelance stuff, really, things that he can do quickly without having to become a full-time employee. On one end, he does photography, and since his eyes have the nifty little habit of seeing things that a human might not right off the bat, he tends to get some snapshots of things that others don’t. It also helps that he can climb, hide, dodge, and reach places that humans probably don’t want to risk. Climbing to the very top of a building just to get that photo of the sun rising over the bridge? Done, and his editor has no idea how he even managed to get it. Squeezing through a poorly constructed alley to find a nest of pigeons for a piece on animal life in the city? Good thing he doesn’t actually have to breath. It might not bring in the same kind of money as some fancy executive lawyer, but it’s just about all he can do.

Sometimes he might get frustrated when his schedule doesn’t seem to work out because he likes his life to be easy to sort and simple to categorize. It took a little while for him to be able to loosen up about the strictness of which he holds himself, slowing relaxing and allowing life to show him the wonders that is has to offer without chasing something else insistently. His photography began to improve vastly, mostly because he is now looking beyond just the object and the background, he is now looking for the soul outside of the basic image. Like humans, your android does appreciate beauty for what it is, though in a more mathematical, clinical sense. Things like flowers, shells, moon phases, or even weather patterns all hold a unique appeal to him that tends to lean outside of their traditional aesthetic sense.

Your android is very, very grounded in reality. Perhaps it’s because he doesn’t really have a concept of what ‘imagination’ is, but his thoughts, his actions, his hopes are all squarely within the realms of his perceived existence. One of the drawbacks to this is that he doesn’t often allow himself to play along with anyone’s fanciful ‘what if’ scenarios because he will be the first one to let that person know that the idea is bad, and it might get someone killed, or that it’s just not even worth doing. It takes some cajoling to get him to indulge anyone in their fantasies, but he will, if the right pointers are given, and if doing so will help someone get out of their sadness.

One of his favorite activities is to explore the outdoors, whether it be hiking, camping, canoeing, etcetera. As mentioned before, he has a unique appreciation for something organically made, because there is something rather beautiful in the realm of strange frailties. Or, better yet, the impossible perfection that can be reached in something as simple as a snail’s shell. Sometimes he might pause, completely caught up in studying the movement of a bug or the swaying of a leaf in the wind, eyes glued to a single spot in space for however long it takes him to fully comprehend every little detail that he is seeing.

There isn’t really an issue in the bedroom, either, since his brain is basically connected to the internet at all times, any kind of position or move is easy enough for him to search up, comprehend, and then execute with near-flawless precision. That’s all I’m going to say on the subject.

of tummy aches and unicorns

or the one where Harry discovers something about the future in an unusual way

"Babe?" his voice sounded strained on the phone which got YN on alert, the manuscript she was making notes for being forgotten real quick

"Harry? Is everything alright? Are you ok?" they haven't seen each other for days now, both of their schedules a bit more hectic than they're used to, so, noticing how tired her boyfriend's voice sounds makes her heart ache.

"Yeah, love" if she closes her eyes she can see it: the way he runs his hand through his long locks, sighing into the speaker "I'm just fucking exhausted is all"

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Not right now, no." there's rustling on the line, and then he speaks up again "Can you do me a favor? You mind going to Rosie's school for me? I just got a call telling me she's a bit under the wheater...."

"Sure!" she's out of her chair as soon as the words register on her brain, reaching for the car keys on the desk drawer, and the manuscripts she has to get back to her boss by Monday, the image of a blond little girl on her mind. "I think I can be there in 20 minutes top, I'm not sure if you have to let them know I'm coming"

"I put your name on her pick up sheet on the start of the school year...I should have told you that before, right? Asked you if that was ok... "

"Harry, breath. It's ok."

"Shit, shit, I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't be asking you to do this, I never thought I would have to... you have work and class tonight but my mom is out of town and it would take me forever to get there with the bloody traffic on this city..."

"Harry, I said it's ok. I wanna help, alright? I'll call you when I get her home so you can say hi, how about that?" Rosie's almost four now, and she and YN have been growing closer and closer for the year they have known each other, and she truly hopes the little one doesn't hate that it's her coming over, not her father.

She's really fallen for Harry, and she gets a little bit more enchanted by Rosie every time those giant green eyes look up at her...she wants this to work. Really, really do.

"You're an angel, did I tell you that?"

"Not today, you hadn't done that yet" she's chuckling when she gets in the car "I have to go now, dimples. I'll see you tonight, yeah?"

"It's a date. Drive safe, my love." he murmurs, and then the line goes dead.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

YN gets to the infirmary of the giant building as soon as her legs will carry her, knocking on the half-closed door to get the nurse's attention.

"Hi, I'm YN. I'm here for Rosie?" the little girl snaps her head up when she hears her name, her curly hair in a bit of a mess, making a smile paint the woman's lips... Harry's the best father any kid could ask for, but his hairdressing skills...

"Oh right. The reception desk told us you were coming..."  the red headed woman is reading a file as YN enters the room, crouching down in front of the couch  Rosie's at.

"YN!" her name is the last thing the poor kid can say before she starts crying, launching herself at the older one "my tummy hurts, YN"

"I know, lovie. It's gonna be ok, yeah? We're gonna fix it" she wasn't expecting such a welcome, but she guesses feeling poorly must make Rose more clingy, just like her daddy. "We're gonna get you home in a bit, it's ok" she's caressing her back now, getting up with the tiny body on her arms.

"We're fairly certain this is just a bug that seems to be going around the school, but you should watch her anyway" the nurse smiles at Rosie when the girl waves at her for a second, giving YN her fairy backpack

"I'll do it. Thanks for looking after her" and then she's walking out, little fingers carding through the locks of her hair.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rosie fell asleep on the ride back, only opening her eyes long enough to be changed and take some strawberry flavored medicine, so YN had been working quietly on the living room floor ever since they got to the apartment, when she hears a whimper coming from the hallway:

"Hi darlin" her voice is low and she smiles a bit watching the way the girl rubs at her eyes over and over "does your tummy feel better?"

"No" she's fisting an old blanket Harry says she got as a baby when she walks over, unicorn shorts making her seem smaller "I'm hungry"

"Let's find you a snack, then" she hugs YN's leg when the woman stands up, something she does whenever they are out and she wants Harry to pick her up but won't ask "you wanna help me find everything?" Rosie's nodding her head when the woman sets her on her hips, heading for the kitchen in search of the chicken soup she made earlier, the one thing she can really make.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Harry only makes it home late, and he feels like the worst father on earth when he does as well: he talked to his daughter on the bloody phone all day instead of looking after her, made his girlfriend lose class and ended up fucking up the deal he was supposed to settle for his company anyway.

He pretty much hates himself when he walks out of Rosie's room that night, five songs and two bedtime stories in.

"She went down ok?" YN's rubbing the towel over her wet hair when he gets in, pulling of his tie as if the piece of cloth was to blame for his crappy day.

"Yeah" his arms pull her close when she walks by him, the first moment of relaxation he's had all day "Told me all about how you cooked, singed, and how much better  than me at coloring princess' books you are. Thank you, baby"

"No need to thank me, H" she pulls him down for a kiss then, slow and sweet, her hands  messing with his hair that's getting adorably long now "We had a great time, even if I hate that she felt sick"

"Really, thank you. You didn't have to."

"I know, but I want to" she says it firmly, like she knows he needs the reassurance. She probably does. "Don't beat yourself up, alright? She's not gonna hate you because you got stuck at work once, Harry"

"I can't let that happen again. I'm all she has, YN. She needs to know she comes first" knocking up a gold digger might be the worst mistake he's ever made, but the guy won't let it get to his baby girl. Ever.

"She does. You do everything, H. You're always there, and she knows it. You're her whole world. You're her hero... She loves you"

"How are you even real?" she feels more than hears the question, his mouth brushing hers. "How did I get so lucky?" then he's kissing her again, purring passion and need into the contact, wanting to let go of everything that's not her for a while.

As time goes by, he remembers the sleepy words Rosie whispered to him in the dark, wanting to know if he thought YN could be the princess of their story, the one they had to look for together, the one who would give them a happy ending.

He can't wait to tell her he thinks it's time to stop looking, after all.

FIC: The Elephant in the Room ch.3 (baon)

Summary: Jeff has started working at the Embassy. He’s got a new job, a new car, and a new place to live. Now if only the rest of his life could fall into order, that’d be great. Any time now…any time at all…

Tags: Spicyhoney, Kustard, Established Relationships, Prejudice Against Monsters, Angst,  Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of Past Suicidal Thoughts,  Mental Health Issues, Friendship

Notes: Red, you little cryptid, why can’t you ever let anything be easy? Then again, if Jeff was hoping for things to be straightforward, he picked the wrong brother. 

Part of the ‘by any other name’ series.

~~*~~

Read it on AO3

or

Read it here!

~~*~~

It was worth the long sit-down in the kid’s office, twiddling his thumbs in the dark as Red waited for the door to open. Worth it for that one moment to see Andy have to bite back a scream when he saw Red at his desk. Give the kid credit though, he didn’t piss himself, which had been known to happen. That was always funny as shit, but kinda annoying, because then Red had to wait around for whoever to change their pants. He was busy, for fuck’s sake, and there were plenty of other places he needed to lurk. Tell the truth, he’d been a little surprised to hear the kid was looking for him. Surprised and frankly intrigued. Andy’d only been working at the Embassy for a week, how much trouble could he have stumbled across already? And it was definitely trouble, no two shakes about it. No one came looking for Red because they wanted to share a kit kat, such a fucking pity. Jeff was still standing in the doorway, doorknob in hand, staring at Red like maybe he was expecting a pit to hell to open up beneath him and swallow him back down. Could happen someday, Red supposed, but today was not that day and he was gettin’ bored of waiting. “you can come in,” Red said magnanimously, gesturing him inside. “whatever diseases i got don’t transfer.” His grin widened as Jeff sat in the visitor’s chair rather than drop-kicking him out of the desk like his bro would’ve. Nervously little twerp, wasn’t he. But Red wasn’t much fooled by that; he’d seen Andy boy step up for the people he cared about, more than once. Kid had a soft soul, for sure, but a good one. Like Papyrus. Like Blue. This world could use a coupla those and it was up to souls like Red’s to keep the world from fucking them over. One more dinky scar on his was nothin’, but if Red had his way, Jeff’s was never gonna need so much as a band-aid.

Fucking liabilities. “Hi, um, it’s just,” Jeff stammered a bit and Red only looked at him, let him wriggle a little longer on the hook. He kept his approval under wraps when Jeff took a few breaths, calming himself, and said, “Earlier today, Stretch and I were downtown.” “uh huh,” Red slouched back in the chair, let his eye lights roll back. Looked like he was reading a teleprompter off the ceiling, but the truth was, Red kept all his info in the safest place Above or Below ground, all filed away neat and tidy in his own skull. “classic books, owned by thomas meyer, immigrated in 1965 with his folks. his pop owned the bookstore and thomas took it over a while back. does okay, the rare book gig helps keep him afloat. did even better when monsters popped up, they love books and ain’t so tied to amazon.” “What?” Jeff blinked at him in a mixture of surprise and awe, “I didn’t know any of that.” He looked a little too damn impressed by a little googling and a lot of patience, and fuck if this kid didn’t pick some bad role models. Shit on a shingle, if Red had a windowless van, Jeff would probably be climbing on in it hoping for some free damn ice cream, no self-preservation at all. His bro sure knew how to pick a liability, this kid was something else. “i know plenty,” Red tapped his gold tooth with one sharp-tipped finger. “so what about it? gimmie some news i can’t get from the paper.” “Well, it’s just that Thomas hired someone to replace me and he’s very…uncomfortable around Monsters.” Jeff was leaning forward, bracing his hands on the desk and probably didn’t even realize it. He looked like the lead detective in an eighties movie as he asked, “Why would someone who doesn’t like Monsters want to work somewhere that is friendly to them? Thomas even has one of those ‘Monsters Welcome’ stickers on his front door.” Wellie well well, now this was interesting. Course, Red already knew what the kid was talking about. Steven Baker, recent graduate of Ebott University. Garden-variety xenophobe, didn’t have any special plans scuttled away on his laptop or some raggedy notebook plastered with MAG stickers. He just needed a job and chose poorly, was all. Some people didn't adjust to Monsters too well and that was fine; Red pretty much didn't want those fuckers around anyway and so long as they stuck to the other side of town, wasn’t much his concern. But the ‘book haus’ reject, eh, that was all dull shit; Red had a lockdown on that info three days ago before that little fucker ever stepped behind the register. What was interestin’ him now was Andy. Here the kid was, bubbling with suspicions like a junior detective, and who did he Scooby Doo to? Not Edge, not Stretch, not even his boytoy. No, he brought that info right to Red, didn’t he, like a cat with a dead bird, eager to show off his prize. Yeah, Red was liking this. Aloud, Red said, “i know all about steve, did a background check when tommy boy hired him. we monitor all the businesses that have the official stickers.” “Oh,” Jeff slumped back into his chair and Red couldn’t help but be amused. Kid looked like he’d unmasked the bad guy and found that it was Old Man Jenkins again. He didn’t stay down though, sat up straight again and asked, “You monitor all the businesses? Why?” Curiosity, good, and even if Andy ain’t exactly ready to share friendship bracelets with Red, he wasn’t letting his nervousness keep him from asking. Red grudgingly pulled his estimation of the kid up another notch. “two reasons.” Red held up two bony fingers then folded one down. “one, to make sure they aren’t getting harassed and feel they need to take it down. monster-friendly business won’t stay that way if they’re afraid to go to their cars at night.” He folded down the second finger. “and two, to make sure they mean it. ‘bout the last thing i ever want to happen is some monster and their kiddies heading into a place expecting a warm welcome and instead leaving in a paper bag.” Jeff nodded slowly, cringing a little at the Red’s description. “Makes sense. I should’ve known you were already on it, guess I was being paranoid.” “no such thing,” Red countered. And wasn’t that a swig of sugar-syrup, the kid had faith in him. "you were right, it is off. that’s good instincts, kid. we’ll be keeping tabs on stevie, don’t you worry, make sure he stays on the right side of the line. you, now, you come tell me anytime you see something or someone who seems off, yeah? anytime. thinking you’re overreacting is how people get hurt, and some people in our company can’t take much of a hit, you get me?” “Yeah, I do,” Jeff said determinedly. Andy had some spine to him in there beneath all the meat. That was the fella who’d decked a stranger on the bus for harassing a Monster, yep. The door opening made him tense, but it was only Antwan, peering in through the crack. He pushed the door open further and stepped inside, “Hey, security said you were here.” Watching the kid light up when he caught sight of Antwan was gag-worthy, but Red managed to choke it down. Being around his bro, the honey bun, and their fucking PDA had helped him build up a tolerance. “Hi, yeah,” Jeff said, “Red and I were talking.” “yep," Red agreed. He wagged his foot lazily where it was propped on the desk. "we’re about done now. thanks for stopping by, sweetheart. see you around.” “Okay,” Jeff said easily, like this wasn’t his office, heh. Kid was a little too easy-going, but that could be fixed with a judicious amount of assholery. Or maybe he was still too distracted by his boytoy, to care because he was all hopeful eyes and sweet-talk when he asked Antwan, “See you tonight?” “Yeah, I’ll meet you at Blue’s,” Antwan said, distractedly. He was pretty busy trying to glare a hole into Red, not an uncommon reaction but not one he was used to from Antwan. His drinking buddy about had steam coming out of his ears and didn’t notice that Jeff’s smile faltered, fading out as he mumbled an agreement and left. Curiouser and curiouser, as some brat once said. “What the fuck are you up to?” Antwan asked bluntly, the second the door swung shut. “dunno what you mean,” Red went through his mental list of annoying vocal tones and went with breezy on this one, but truth was, he really didn’t. And he didn’t like that, not one fucking bit, he liked a clear idear of what was going on around him at all times, and if Antwan had a bug up his ass, Red wanted to know why it crawled up there and what kinda nest it was making. From Antwan’s glare, that bug was pretty far up there. “I mean, why are you calling my boyfriend pet names?” To have that piece of puzzle snap in so easily, Red almost busted out laughing. That was what had Antwan’s panties in a wad? “eh, i do that with everyone,” Red said lazily. He licked his teeth deliberately, running his tongue over each and every point as he enjoyed the rising fury in Antwan’s eyes. “aww, honey, what makes you think i’m interested in your personal meat bag?” “The knowledge that you fucked your way through Europe the last time you went traveling with the diplomats?” Antwan snapped. “I heard plenty about that!" “maybe i had some fun,” Red allowed, and gave him a wolfish grin. Unless Antwan was chatting it up with Sans, he hadn’t even heard the half of it. “dunno, i don’t see your name on andy boy. not a ring or maybe a pretty little collar. gotta say, that might be a good look for him—“ “Stop,” Antwan said, through gritted teeth. Pretty impressive the way wrenched himself back, all that hot anger dropping down the thermometer to icy calm. “Your brother is my best friend, he wouldn’t like it if we killed each other.” Red snorted. This was fun and all, but a slap upside the head with a little realism was probably due. “cute that you think there is any ‘other’ about it. dunno, doesn’t sound like you trust your boy.” “What?” Antwan looked pretty taken aback by that, which was a fine, fine thing. Cause if there was a chance this entertaining lil’ tantrum was about Antwan thinking Jeff was trying to get a late afternoon bone-on, he and Antwan were about to talk real close up, make no mistake about that. Jeff wasn't a cheat, Red had a little file tucked away in the back of his head with plenty of data proving that.

Antwan didn't seem to notice, he only snapped out, "This isn’t about him, it’s about you. I know you too damn well. Leave him alone.” Well, this a slice of something different. He’d never much had anyone worried he was gonna seduce their honey away. Refreshing change, that. Sans was gonna laugh his ass off. “not much of a threat there.” Antwan’s smile was coldly humorless, whew, bet that went over real well in court, probably had a more’n few defendants pissing themselves. “No threats. I know better than to give you advance warning.” “better," Red let his grin widen, licked his teeth again deliberately, "could always make it a threesome.” Now that was a hell of a look. That was fifty shades of no, such a shame. Antwan only sputtered out, “I…what? No!” "pity," Red sighed. He kicked off of the desk and stood, groaning as he stretched with bone-popping force. "cool your jets, i ain’t trying anything with your boy, he had a security issue was all. ask him, he’ll tell ya. now that we've established that i’m not trying to poach, hit bricks.” Antwan only stared at him, visibly fuming, oh, yeah, he was plenty pissed, looked like he was trying to chew off his damn tongue. But Red was done playing nicey-nice for the day and it looked like Antwan was keeping cosplay as the fool aside for Andy. He turned on his heel, ready to storm back out the way he came and it was probably gonna lose him his drinking buddy, at least for a while, but Red couldn't help adding, sing-song sweet, "not trying yet, anyway." The door slamming told Red everything he needed to know about that. Red shook his head, started to pull out a cigar. He'd wait to light it when he got outside, no reason to stink up the kid's office, especially without his bro here to bitch and moan about it. Oh yeah, those two were meant to be. Just like the boss and Stretch, it was almost like a fucking aura around 'em, and Red didn't do Judgements anymore, but he'd never given up Seeing. He was never one to let a gift go to waste and he'd known fucking ages before his bro that he was meant to be with the honey bun. And just like those idiots, these two might need a little nudge in the right direction. That was fine. Red was pretty good when push came to shove.

~~*~~

tbc

Crack Ship Holidays

Halloween- Pt. 2- Cassian x Feyre

.

.

.

Cassian walks into the kitchen as he ties up his hair. He smiles as I hold out a cup of coffee to him.

“Good morning,” he says, leaning down to kiss me. He takes the cup as he pulls away.

“Morning.”

“Az called me when I got out of the shower. He’s staying home with Iliana so Elain can go back to work.”

“So, early day?”

He nods, taking a sip of his coffee before opening my fridge.

“Bunny…”

“I didn’t know you were staying the night!”

He shakes his head and closes the door.

“Wanna come to work with me? We can stop for breakfast.”

“Let me change,” I say, looking down at my clothes which is nothing more than his shirt.

“I mean… I wouldn’t mind,” he says as I walk past him. He slaps my ass when I flip him off. 

I put on a black skater dress with ripped tights. I find the socks covered in skeletons and tombstones before going after his leather jacket and my boots. I grab my messenger bag and make sure my sketchbook and pencils are in it before throwing my phone and wallet inside.

“Ready?” he asks and I nod. The way he’s looking at me makes me blush.

Downstairs, Cassian opens the door to his truck and takes me by the waist and hauls me up, saving me the embarrassment of trying to climb into the damn thing with a dress on. It’s an effort not to think much of the way his hands linger on my thighs as I pull my bag off and set it down.

Cassian lets me pick the music for the drive to the shop but we love the same music, so he doesn’t complain when I find the playlist we have been working on for the Halloween party next week. We sing along to a few songs until we stop at the café for breakfast. We take our order to go and hurry back to the truck.

I hold our food while Cassian unlocks and pushes up the storefront gate. I’ve been here many times and it still throws me off when I see the graffiti on the wall that he and I had done when he first bought the space. Cassian keeps pictures and discarded tattoo ideas on the walls in the break room. I love them all but two of them are my favorite: One is of all of us together shortly after Elain and Azriel got married. She’d gotten her first tattoo that day, the start of the half sleeve she now has of watercolor flowers[LS1] . The second is the day he adopted Valo. We’re sitting down with Val in my arms and Cassian has an arm around my shoulder. It was your typical post adoption picture taken at any animal shelter, the kind that gets posted on their social media for all the world to see and I love it.  

“I have a few scheduled sessions today,” Cassian says, bringing me from my thoughts. “It’s his day off, but Rhys is going to come by and take care of any walk ins.”

“I could watch Iliana for them,” I find myself saying. “It’s not like I’m doing anything.”

Cassian looks at me funny before stealing bacon off my plate.

“Bullshit. You’re helping me out today.”

“Doing what?”

When he grins, I already know and I groan.

“I hate you,” I say and reach over and take his bagel.

“You weren’t saying that last night,” he teases and I know I’m blushing.

“Fuck you, Cassian.”

“Here? I think that’s an OSHA violation-” Cassian laughs, even as I kick him under the table.

*

There are very few things I hate in this world, and answering phones is up there. But for Cassian, I suck it up. I get to sketch in between calls, and greet those who walk in. Rhys shows up and it’s as if he hasn’t seen me in years with the way he hugs me.

“Ignore him,” Lucien says as he comes to give me a kiss. “He went jogging with Valo this morning and had way too much sugar with his coffee.”

Lucien doesn’t stay long. But he does promise to come by for lunch and bring us all food. With Cassian and Rhys busy working, the group chat is silent. I text Elain to ask about Iliana and I’m surprised when she responds.

She’s still got a fever and if she throws up again Az is going to have to take her to the doctor.

I can help, you know.

I know, Feyre… But Nesta mentioned that job and I didn’t want to bother you.

It’s NOT a job… Just volunteering for now. Until then… I guess I’m answering phones for Cassian.

I watch the dots appear and disappear as Elain tries to respond. I want to call Nesta and tear her a new one, but it would be pointless and I can’t give her the satisfaction in knowing she’s pissed me off.

I can’t believe her!!!!! Well… I’ll be sure to tell Az that Cassian is torturing you. Rhys and Lucien watched Iliana for our date night last weekend… You can be next. ; )))))

*

It’s almost dinner time, but Cassian is still working on his last client. He’s almost done. I can hear Lucien and Rhys talking amongst themselves, but I don’t pay much attention. There’s something soothing, hypnotic almost, in watching Cassian work. It’s almost as if I am looking at myself when I’m painting or lost in a sketch. I cannot understand how Tamlin had watched me paint for hours and didn’t feel what I feel watching Cassian. Tamlin would leave my apartment in a shit mood or start bitching about being ignored. Cassian always looks at me in awe when I’m done with a piece. No matter how simple it is.

Rhys and Lucien leave once the client is having Cas take pictures of their tattoo. I get called over to look at it and like always, I’m blown away by his work. The contrast in his shading is impeccable and when I tell him so, Cassian actually blushes.

I help him clean up and notice the picture on the wall behind his table. It’s of me with Val at the park. I remember that, Cassian had taken the picture. There are other pictures of his brothers and our friends but mine is slightly set apart. I don’t say anything about it- in all the years I was with Tamlin, I never had his picture on my desk at work. But Cassian? My students used to think he was ‘Ms. Archeron’s special friend’. I smile just thinking about it.

Cassian lets me lock the door and the storefront gate. He throws an arm around me as we walk to his truck.

“Dinner at my place?” he asks as he opens the door for me.

I nod as he lifts me up by the waist and sets me down in the truck. He flashes me a smile before closing the door and I buckle up while he walks around to the driver’s side. The drive to his house doesn’t take long and once he parks the truck, I can hear Valo barking.

Valo nearly knocks me down when Cassian opens the door.

“Hi, baby,” I say. Valo is almost as tall as I am, taller if he gets on his hindlegs.

Cassian whistles once he’s got the lights on and Val runs after him.

“Happy to see mommy, huh?” Cassian asks. “She’s so much prettier than uncle Rhysie, right?”

I laugh when Valo barks. I lock the door and hang my bag on the closet door before going outside. Valo is running around while Cassian texts Rhys his thanks for watching him. I walk down the porch steps and call Val over. I run around the yard with him until Cassian calls him back inside. He’s smirking when I walk up the stairs.

“You can’t just get me a dog to say sorry,” he says playfully, poorly imitating me.

“Okay, okay. It worked. But you didn’t adopt him until you got the house, so I had many years to get over it.”

“Uh huh. Whatever you say, bunny.”

I smack his arm and go inside. We take off our jackets and boots and I offer to bring them to the closet in the entrance hall so he can get a head start on dinner. When I go to the kitchen, Val is curled up on the floor watching Cas walk around. As usual, I help him with dinner prep but he handles the rest. I use that time to sketch, sitting on the floor and leaning back against the cabinet. Valo comes to cuddle next to me.

“He was so little when he came home,” I say softly, reaching out to pet him. Cassian looks back and just smiles.

We eat dinner in the dining room and Valo is falling asleep under the table. I offer to wash dishes when we’re done, but Cassian insists on doing it himself. But I’m just as stubborn as he is, so we end up working together.

“Hey, so do you want to stay a bit longer or want to head home?” Cassian asks as I hand him the last dish.

“Uh… Whatever you want. I can take a cab home so you don’t have to leave again.”

Cassian makes a face. “Why? I don’t mind.”

I clean my hands and rinse them off. He hands me a paper towel.

“Cas… You already stayed out because of me. I don’t want Val to start tearing the house apart.”

“He’s been outside plenty today, and he can come in the truck. It’s really not a big deal, bunny.”

I sigh. “Why don’t we finish that episode… Mor’s been bugging me about it.”

“I’ll take you home after?”

I roll my eyes and toss my paper towel at him.

“Yeah, Cas.”

*

“If you get bored tomorrow… Come by work,” Cas says as he parks his truck in front of my building.

“So I can answer your phone?”

“I was going to say to spend your day with your best friend, but sure. That works, too.”

I laugh. “I’ll think about it.”

I give Valo kisses as I wait for Cas to walk around the truck and help me out. It happens way too soon. Cassian’s hands linger on my waist once he sets me down.

“Let me know when you get home,” I say and he nods, looking over at Val who’s already whining. “Daddy isn’t leaving you, Val. I won’t keep him from you.”

Cassian has a stupid smirk when I look back at him.

“Shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“But you’re thinking it.”

Cassian pulls me in for a hug.

“I’ll call you when I get to the house.”

“Drive safe.”

Cassian kisses me and I want so badly to tell him to stay. But Val keeps whining and we both sigh. He gives me one more kiss before he walks away. I close the passenger door while he gets into the driver’s seat. Once he’s in, he starts the engine and I hurry upstairs. Cassian won’t leave until I turn the light on of my bedroom, something he does even if he walks me to the door.

Once I hear him drive off, I drop my bag on the floor and let out a sigh.

I’m getting out of the shower when Cassian calls me. I put him on speaker while I find something to wear.

“I’m home,” he says and I know that he’s stretching.

“Did he calm down?” I ask and I hear Cas chuckle.

“No,” he says, clearly teasing. “He misses you too much.”

“Well I always miss him when I’m here… And you, too.”

Cassian doesn’t say anything and I mentally curse myself. I settle on a pair of red plaid, flannel pajama pants and a worn-out t-shirt. I tie my hair up in a messy bun and shut off my bedroom light.

“I found your Iron Maiden shirt,” I say as I climb into bed. I set the phone on my chest once I’m under the covers. I hear when Cassian gets into bed, and when Valo jumps in with him. When I’m there, Val sleeps at our feet. When I’m there, I don’t have to lay awake in bed wishing I wasn’t by myself. Wishing I was with them.

“Fallin’ asleep on me, bunny?”

“No, that must be Val you feel on top of you.”

He chuckles. Then it gets quiet again.

“Hey, bunny?”

“Yeah, Cas?”

I hear him sigh and I can picture him running his fingers through his hair.

“I always miss you when you’re not here, too.”

*

Mor makes an unholy sound as she takes the first sip of her coffee. I hold the door for her as she walks out of the café. We are walking through town, intent on finding our Halloween costumes. Last minute, like every year. I use my straw to shake up my iced coffee and take a sip. Mor looks at me funny and I roll my eyes.

“So, what’s up with you and Cassian?” she asks as we cross the street.

“What do you mean?”

“Are you still fucking?”

“Christ, Mor!”

She laughs and loops her arm in mine.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

I know I’m blushing, which is stupid.

“Why?” I ask. I notice where we are and if we walk another block and make a right, I’ll see Cassian’s truck outside of the shop.

“What do you mean why? How long has this been going on? Six months? More?”

“Since New Year’s,” I say before I can stop myself. “I didn’t tell you until like… the second time it happened.”

“And that’s it?”

“No… Should something be different?”

Mor sighs as the thrift store comes into view.

“You haven’t wanted… more? Or are you two still playing the ‘this means nothing’ card.”

“That was in the beginning,” I say as we enter the store. A red gown catches Mor’s eye. “But… it’s not nothing.”

“What changed?”

I shrug but notice she’s not even looking at me.

“I don’t know…”

Mor pulls the gown off the rack and purses her lips.

“Dammit. This would only fit Amren.” She puts it back and I follow her down the aisle. “Is Cas still planning on being Khal Drogo?”

I giggle. “I ordered the body paint like last month.”

“Why aren’t you dressing up as Daenerys then?”

“I don’t know.”

“Listen… Last year you convinced him to be Dracula and you were Mina.”

“We weren’t involved last year.”

“Not physically.” Mor hands me her coffee to look through the racks faster. “Tamlin was so pissed off that you still came to the party without him.”

“Why was I going to miss out because he was being an ass?”

“Not to mention the fact that you didn’t want to dress up with him.”

“He wanted me to dress up as a fucking fairytale princess.”

Mor laughs. “Your default picture until Christmas was of you and Cassian dressed up. And you only changed it because I got Valo that cute little santa outfit. Otherwise, I bet it would’ve stayed the same.”

“Not true. There were so many nice pictures of us that night the guys took us ice skating.”

Mor winces. “Don’t remind me.”

“You got a girlfriend out of it.”

“Yes, but having to wear that boot for three weeks was a nightmare.”

“Why aren’t you two dressing up as a doctor and nurse?”

When Mor blushes, I already know and I cackle.

“Don’t tell me you and Cas don’t dress up.”

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

“That’s not an answer.”

I drink my coffee and Mor’s eyes go wide.

“Tell me.”

“Why?”

“Indulge me.”

I groan and look around. There’s hardly anyone else here.

“So… It wasn’t planned. You remember Viviane’s costume party? For her birthday?”

“Where Cas showed up like a football player and you-” Mor throws her head back laughing. “Oh my god. You wore your fucking cheerleader outfit from senior year.”

I regret every word that comes out of my mouth.

“You know Cassian makes everything into a joke,” I say, running my fingers through my hair. “So I teased him back and it was just…”

“You’re blushing! What did he say?”

“Nothing I will ever repeat.”

Mor laughs until she chokes on air and takes many sips of her coffee.

“Dress up as Daenerys. I’ll do your hair. Make up. Just, indulge me.”

“What if it puts him off?”

“Feyre… If Cassian hauled your ass into one of Viviane’s guestrooms then, I don’t see why he wouldn’t do the same now.”

.

.

.

Idk whether I should prolong this conversation but I had a few thoughts: two ppl donate to charity, one out of want to help, one to brag about it on instagram, does their thoughts and motivations for doing the exact same thing really not matter or make those two examples different? would it be wrong to say that one person was more moral than the other in this example? similarly isn't there a difference between a person thinking "I desire x but won't go after it cos I feel strongly about y"

and another person thinking "I desire x but unfortunately can't get it cos z" when both ppl end up doing nothing, does the lack of actions prevent us from coming to the conclusion that the person driven by selflessness is more morally righteous? Is it even possible to completely separate thoughts and actions when talking about human behavior? and when we're talking about cases of ppl having bad thoughts and choosing to not act on them which seems to be what you mainly have in mind then imo it is noteworthy and arguably proves the person to be "good", simplistically speaking, that they are actively fighting those thoughts. however that requires that outside of thoughts of hurting others the person would also have to harbor thoughts of disgust for their own ideas or thoughts of not wanting to cause others pain, which in turn would make me describe their thought process as "they don't desire to do harm" despite their "bad thoughts"

OK, I did kind of want to drop this conversation but you raise some interesting points here so I'm willing to respond. Firstly I want to clear up the paradigm I'm using to debate this. When it comes to morality there isn't really any objective way to determine the "truth" of a statement, so my metric for agreeing or disagreeing with a statement is "is this a helpful way of looking at things?" And... I generally find that paradigms that try to use morality to measure a person's innate worth, rather than to get people to treat each other well, do more harm than good. (To be honest, any attempt at measuring people's "innate worth" raises a ton of red flags for me because that kind of thing can go downhill fast, even when it claims to be based in morality).

I like the "donating to charity" example because there's a good deal to unpack there. The danger in donating only so you can brag on instagram is that the help you give will likely be superficial and poorly thought out; a difference not just in motivation, but in action and impact. Even if the two individual actions are identical the long-term trend will likely be different, and really you can't judge people on one-off actions anyway (unless those actions are really extremely bad or really incredibly selfless).

However let's suppose the two people's actions really are identical long term. Let's talk motivations; what is a fully selfless motivation? I don't consider "wanting to be a good person" to be that much less selfish than wanting to brag on instagram; sure, it may be deeper and more internally motivated, but it’s still ultimately about you and not the people you're helping. The only fully selfless motivation is if your actions are a direct response to people's pain. But if they are, then you won't care to analyse your own motivations, because what matters to you won't be why you're helping someone but the fact that it makes their life better. So paradoxically, the person with the "purest" motivation will be the one to tell you that the selflessness of their motivation doesn't matter; all that matters is that they've helped someone.

Here's the thing: I've spent time going down overthinking spirals about whether I'm only nice to people because I want them to like me. But ultimately the only conclusion of any value that came from this is that the more I overthought it, the worse I actually ended up treating people, because I didn't want to do it "just so they'll like me". In the end I would rather be kind always out of partially selfish motivations, then be kind only when my motivations are pure.

The thing is, us humans have high ideals but we're equipped with primitive monkey brains that mostly want things like "pleasure" and "validation". Trying to fully transcend this seems impossible; the best we can do is try to hack our brains so that their systems of obtaining short term rewards align with our long term ideals. That's why it's important that we do validate and encourage people when they act in ways we consider good. (And that's also my issue with those "you shouldn't be rewarded for being a decent human being" posts; people need positive reinforcement to build good behavioural patterns. Once they're there they can generally manage on their own but until then, why would you not help them do better?) The fact that we can get approval from things like donating to charity and posting about it on instagram is a feature of society, not a bug. What's true is that the more internally motivated someone is, the less effort society will have to expend keeping them in line, so from that perspective you could consider them a better person. But in the end we don't exist in a vacuum and our morals don't develop in a vacuum; our morals are learnt in the only way any behavioural pattern is ever really learnt, which is via positive and negative feedback.

I guess the point here is: our behavioural patterns are basically something that can be programmed and hacked, and our thoughts are the code that run it. You judge a piece of code not by its inherent value but by whether or not it does what it's supposed to. Some pieces of code are more prone to bugs and glitches, but they aren't "bad" because they're inherently impure in some way, they're bad because they aren't reliable enough in producing results. Our hypothetical instagram bragger would be an example of that. And the best we can really do is make the most functional code we can with the tools we have, not condemn each other for having the "wrong" kind of programming language installed.

You're entirely right that I focused on people who want to counteract their bad thoughts, but that's because they are the kind of people the original quote makes most sense as being addressed to. It makes no sense to tell someone that their desires matter as well as their actions when they already fully intend to act on those desires; such a person clearly has no interest in "being good" so it's rather pointless telling them how they could do so. On the other hand it seems supremely unhelpful to tell someone who is fighting their negative impulses that having such impulses makes them bad; at worse it will convince them there's no good fighting since they're bad anyway, and at best it will weigh down their mental health with a ton of guilt that just makes the thoughts harder to fight. And on the flip side it isn't helpful to encourage the kind of moral scrupulousity that makes people suspect they might secretly be awful even though they do their best to do good things, because their desire to do so may be based in "selfish" human needs like "receiving love, praise and validation". Moral condemnation is only something that works against people who are susceptible to guilt, and people who are susceptible to guilt will almost certainly fit the criteria of "fundamentally not wanting to be bad", even if they sometimes have to fight conflicting desires. People who want to be bad are not responsive to being told they're bad.

I also find it kind of... creepily intrusive to want to pull apart and judge someone's inner thoughts and motivations when they've done nothing wrong. I am far more disturbed by humanity's desire to judge and condemn each other on such a personal level than by the thought that some people might do good things for selfish reasons. I find it possible, but extremely unlikely, that someone who makes no effort to counteract their "bad" desires will act virtuously for their entire lives, the same way it's technically possible but extremely unlikely that a piece of code full of bugs and glitches would run smoothly every time it's used. But if one or two such people do manage this and hence slip through the gaps in our judgement... what's actually the great loss? The world is no worse off for it. On the other hand, if we seek them out and punish them for being "bad", we've just hurt someone to no benefit, and I rather think that makes us the bad guys here.

... This is rambly and incoherent and also probably the last I have to say on this topic unless someone raises a point I find crucial, but here you have it.