#I have “can’t keep my opinion to myself” disease
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I dont think icemav would ever get married
#I have “can’t keep my opinion to myself” disease#I just.. can’t see them walking down an aisle or displaying their love in front of an audience#top gun#icemav#maybe they’d get married but just signing the papers and that would be it
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Help a trans woman continue her life in spite of medical transphobia.
Hey, I've been putting off making a post like this for a while now, but I really need help paying for DIY HRT after having been entirely cut off from official transitional healthcare in my country (Denmark) and new laws on prescription refills making me unable to share meds with my girlfriend anymore.
I've almost died from blood clots twice in the last 3 years due to a V-Leiden blood mutation, in 2021 I was admitted to the ER with over 15 small clots in my lungs, pulmonary infarction (lung tissue necrosis) and pneumonia, because I'm trans the doctor they sent to look at me was a "hormone disease specialist" who took one look at my chart and instantly decided my half decade long medical transition was entirely to blame for the clotting, without consulting a thrombosis specialist, or doing any bloodwork or testing whatsoever (technically medical discriminations). After getting prematurely discharged by said "specialist", who basically just told me to stop transitioning and fuck off, I had to fight for over 3 months with doctors to get a blood screen done with an actual thrombosis specialist, here they found the actual underlying cause, which is that I'm a V-Leiden carrier with an 8 to 12 times higher clotting chance than a non-carrier, but made the decision to not keep me on blood thinning treatment after the initial 6 month period post discharge, causing another pulmonary episode + DVT on my girlfriend's birthday in 2023 where I again almost died due to 25+ more clots having formed in my lungs (the largest pressing on my heart) and both legs. Following this episode I was put on blood thinners (Eliquis) for life.
After this, I went to consult with the gender clinic (we only have 3 which are all part of the same institution, and private practices are banned from providing any form of transitional healthcare in Denmark, even just blood tests for hormone levels) where they gave me an arbitrary weight loss goal to get my hormones back, causing me to backslide intensely into anorexia and lose 50kg in 1 year. Then after I had finally reached my goal late last year they took it up on conference and decided even after losing all that weight, being put on blood thinners permanently, quitting smoking and restructuring my entire diet and life around minimizing my condition that they still couldn't justify putting me back on my estrogen spray or an anti-androgen "due to the risk factors", completely disregarding both my bodily autonomy and the fact that HRT is 100% necessary for minimum quality of life for me, and because Denmark has no forms of medical informed-consent combined with the inability for me to get a second opinion within our medical system, this effectively permanently ended my access to transitional healthcare, forcing me to medically detransition.
The consequences of all of this has been disastrous for my mental and physical health to say the least. I don't leave my apartment more than once or twice every 2 months. I've had to cover all the mirrors in my home because the constant reminder of all this has made me more suicidal than ever. It's made it nearly impossible to find the will and motivation to keep up my life style changes like not smoking, I'm afraid to exercise at the risk of potentially masculinizing myself further. I can't maintain a job or education or any sort of social life anymore. My transition has cost me every single meaningful connection I had pre-coming out, and now it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under me, and all of those sacrifices where for nothing. Every day i have to force myself to take my blood thinners because a part of me wants to just stop in the hope that the next clotting episode will kill me.
I need HRT, I can't continue like this and I can't accept life without transitioning. I know the risks, but those are my risks to take, it's my body and my life, and I would rather live 10 years being happy and me than another 50 as a ghost like this.
My Paypal: @LoserBigSis
My GF's Paypal: @QueenSizedDonger (in case something happens to mine)
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Hey
Thank you for reading my ask and taking the time to respond 💖
I’d like first to correct something, the confession was hidden from jensen for three months before the shooting of the episode,not three years.
Agree with you on j2 hanging out without any convention to do, actually they hangout more on the panels and not so much on breaks, how many times do we see jensen and the cast together having fun and jared by himself, sleeping or having fun with his wife (some people would say it’s because the power that be doesn’t want j2 anywhere near each other, (because they need to hide their eternal love)
Jared also was asked on a panel by a fan : how do you keep your friendship (meaning j2’s) to which jared said : by doing this , meaning cons .
So they only see each other in conventions.
The LM and Gen saga : it was told that walker was his passion project, a family project that he made with his real life wife . That alone would attract audience’s attention it didn’t lol
They were all looking for LM and asking why isn’t she going to PR trips instead of the dead wife ?
Why is he taking his dead wife to talk about twwon and leaving the other lead back home ?
She was treated like an Extra for the sake of giving attention and limelight to the dead wife who shamelessly said she got the role via nepotism .
Waiting patiently for the day that LM grows some balls and say why she really left the show.
I don’t think he ever took anyone of his co-stars to these things, not just lindsy , just the nepo wife to talk about twwon and how she met jared while wearing her little white panties and he going along with saying he was the lead and he demanded that she wears only that (he was joking)
Yes they did more than take photos, they left a lot of stuff on their door step and in the brewery dead kittens and the head of a manikin doll and other stuff that only known to be used in witchcraft stuff with nails , all discovered by jensen he buried the kitten before his kids saw it so they don’t get scared, he didn’t let his wife touch the nails because he was afraid of getting hurt or disease or something.
And that’s just what he said, God knows what else,He has it bad .
This is the curse of being loved and shipped by two different sides , sides that refuse to acknowledge that it’s ok if you want to interpret things how you see fit, (jensen himself said that more than once, it’s open for interpretation, I respect your opinions, but this is how I played it)
Just hopped they respected his opinion as he did their��s
TW was such a bad idea I wish he didn’t listen to his wife who has her name all over it , but how do you tell your wife who was patiently living and taking care of your home for 16 years while you made your own dreams come true?
He couldn’t refuse, just like jared can’t, it’s their time / turn to have some fun and make something , but guess what?
Neither wife had the brain to do something of their own, they both needed their husbands name and fame and fans and money, oh and their face too .
Wish they really did something of their own and let the husbands take care of their kids, it’s only fair.
Thank you so much for coming back. I threw in an edit back in my last one about the photos outside of the kids' school (which I did hear about but actually don't want to look because it feels wrong seeing that honestly) and people actually pretending to be their kids' parents tidbit. If this is really true that someone did this at their kids' school, wow.... people really are terrifying with what they will do just to try interacting with their KIDS. I heard of the nails voodoo doll and the dead kitten somewhere myself, I myself am not a fan of Danneel but I wouldn't ever dream of sending horrifying things like that via mail or leaving it on their doorsteps.
TW was such a bad idea I wish he didn’t listen to his wife who has her name all over it , but how do you tell your wife who was patiently living and taking care of your home for 16 years while you made your own dreams come true?
This.... the highlighted part. I think this here Anon is why Jensen let her be part of the show when frankly she shouldn't have been or at least make executive decisions on it. She barely watched the show for heaven's sake, if she did at least that she wouldn't have said Dean learned it all from his mom.... who died when she was 4 for starters. I've said this in other posts but between it being a failure overall and the ongoing lawsuit happening right now, it was a blessing in disguise Jared was not part of it. I will say that I believe some weird things happened closed doors that the Prequelgate drama doesn't reveal or even the aftermath. I think it's possible he knew something as this post implies. However, I don't buy the whole "scheduling conflicts" reasoning for Jared. They could've held off on making The Winchesters and should've found something else to make. Buuuuut that's just me. This clip below summarizes in a short 27 second why Danneel was not fit to be Executive Producer for The Winchesters.
youtube
The LM and Gen saga : it was told that walker was his passion project, a family project that he made with his real life wife . That alone would attract audience’s attention it didn’t lol
They were all looking for LM and asking why isn’t she going to PR trips instead of the dead wife ?
Why is he taking his dead wife to talk about twwon and leaving the other lead back home ?
She was treated like an Extra for the sake of giving attention and limelight to the dead wife who shamelessly said she got the role via nepotism .
Waiting patiently for the day that LM grows some balls and say why she really left the show.
I will say it seems barely anyone cared that much Gen was gonna be on the show. Her role was barely significant overall and I felt many of her lines, especially in season 3 were unnecessary. It was filler and frankly her being in this show just screams nepotism to the point my deaf Aunt in Omaha heard it (referencing the movie "Disturbia" here). And don't get me started on the whole nepotism way she got the role. I know the official statements via interview state she was approached by the networks for the job. Someone said Odette may have mentioned Gen to the execs for the role of Emily as she was already in as Geri. For what, to appease your direct boss by mentioning his wife to his bosses as a suggestion for the role of Emily so it doesn't come from him? Genius, why didn't I think of doing this for any of the jobs I applied for? Oh wait....
As far as the whole Lindsey not being promoted but instead Gen and Jared only doing the promotions mostly at first, I was not around in this fandom when Walker first aired. I therefore wasn't around with it first being promoted but I have this funny feeling things aren't as perfect as they seem. What did you think of the latest Walker promo videos of say the kids being on the set and Jared going to everyone's trailers? I talked about this with a friend last night and I swear I cannot unsee what she said but something felt.... off and forced. I know it was to promote the show and it was obviously being recorded but some of these videos had such a strange "feeling" to them. Can't put my finger on it but maybe this "feeling" is related to what I think really goes on behind closed doors on set. Now, I have my own personal theory as to why Lindsey was not promoted as much and why she really left the show but it's more or less speculation on my part and a strong hunch I cannot shake but nothing concrete. I can definitely say I 100% do not buy the mental health, burnout related reasons being stated here.
I joined a Reddit group conversation about a month or so ago I chime into once in a while. A lot of the people in this group agreed with the sentiment we can't unsee Jared and Gen. We don't see Cordell and Emily when watching Walker period. Heck, even when they're not onscreen together, I literally cannot unsee Jared. I feel like he's being himself as Cordell except with the stammering, deeper voice and taking a moment to get sentences completed he does as Cordell and calls it a day. Sounds like a mean thing to say but when I watch Supernatural I see Sam. When I watch Friday the 13th from 2009, I see Cliff. When I see An Endless Ring of Light, I see Zach. When I watch Walker, I see Jared. I can't put my finger on it as to why I feel this sentiment let alone so strongly but I literally cannot see Cordell, only Jared.
He couldn’t refuse, just like jared can’t, it’s their time / turn to have some fun and make something , but guess what?
Neither wife had the brain to do something of their own, they both needed their husbands name and fame and fans and money, oh and their face too .
Wish they really did something of their own and let the husbands take care of their kids, it’s only fair.
Gen was 100% a terrible casting choice for the role of his dead wife period in my opinion for the reasons I stated earlier in this post. I mean, is this the show Walker or is it the Gen and Jared show? Come on now. Don't get me started on my real opinions of their marriage as it was implied in some of my more recent posts about them and in other places. I think both J2 feel stuck within their own marriages and the wives know they depend on them for their lifestyles and whatnot. TOWWN is not really doing a whole lot, a lot of talk but how much money is that company actually generating for them? Her affiliate marketing partnerships that is said to fund TOWWN? And the book club ads, how much money are those generating? One time I saw a post where a book discussion drew in a whopping like 27 people or may be 30 something, I'd have to go find it but man... Point is, I remember Jared joining a couple of those book discussions for "Happy Place" (oh the irony of that live video and what happened there) and "Whalefall" with the promise of potential a M&G with Gen and Jared to draw in more interest. My point with this is, they are both riding their husbands' coattails to even try establishing a career and the results are, well, dismal.
If you'd like, I'd love to chat with you via PM and we can share our theories with one another :)
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November 29, 2023
Member Kayande: I’m pleased to join the debate here on Bill 6, the Public Health Amendment Act, 2023. I want to tell a personal story about how this pandemic has impacted my family, and I want to talk a little bit about my reliance on public health to work so that I can keep my family safe. The pandemic, as all members of this House are, I’m sure, one hundred per cent aware, is like a tornado. It left some houses completely untouched and completely flattened others. By no means was my household the worst impacted, but this is a fact that continues to impact what’s going on in my family today.
My daughter is an extremely, extremely high-performing teenager. In 2020, when the pandemic opened, she received an award in her junior high school for student of the year... And in 2020 is when I came home from a company ski trip and felt the sniffles. This was in early March. By late March the entire household was ill except for my youngest son, who was 10 years old at the time. We got better eventually – it took us a long time – but she did not. It took us about six months more to get a diagnosis of long COVID for her. You know, one of the hurtful things about a long-COVID diagnosis is that there are people who falsely believe that long COVID is a function of vaccine injury. I guess that my child is kind of in a – being possibly one of the longest long-COVID pediatric patients in the world right now, she could not possibly have been injured by vaccines because vaccines were not available when she got sick.
The impact of this disease on her has been absolutely devastating. You know, she has extreme brain fog, fatigue, does her best, remains high performing, but is now a grade 12 student who will not graduate this year, may graduate next year, has a dream of becoming an engineer, and I don’t know how that’s going to happen because it is not possible for her to attend school with any sort of regularity...
I want to be one of those people that take care of her. I am responsible for her getting sick because I was the one that brought the disease home into our household. And what I want from public health, like, what I need from public health is more than what maybe other families need. I need to know –because she cannot get COVID again. She can’t. So I have to keep her safe; that is my job. I did not keep her safe in 2020, and my job is now to keep her safe as best as I can, and to do that I need information. I need to know expert opinion. I need to know what the experts are saying at any point in time even though the world desires to move on from the pandemic.
Good Lord, I want to move on, too, more than anything else. I want to move on and have this not be an issue in my life anymore, and I need the help of public health and public health experts to make that happen. I need to know: how much COVID is in the environment right now? How many other respiratory diseases are in the city right now? What does the status of absenteeism in her school look like right now? Those are what allow us to make decisions to keep me and my family safe.
So when I think about, you know, Bill 6, the Public Health Amendment Act, and what it’s going to do to reduce the ability of public health officials to communicate the critically important information that I need, Mr. Speaker, I’m worried, and I’m scared for myself. I’m here, you know, as a legislator, in a position of incredible privilege, but I also want to make sure that families like me get what they need from the public health infrastructure, the enviable public health infrastructure that we have built in this province. I’m begging this House: please don’t take that away.
#lengthy but i still wanted to include it#alberta#alberta politics#ableg#Samir Kayande#Calgary-Elbow#NDP#cdnpoli
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I sat and typed and retyped a response. But no words could make things feel better, obviously. I know that. You're so strong, and I may not know what's going on completely but I hope it's gets better for you 🫂
Ah, your words are too kind. Been told lately I’m too soft 😅🥲 I’m not so sure I’m strong, not anymore, anyway..
Life is hard. It’s hard for all of us, don’t get me wrong. Especially the last few years here in America. Everything is so fucked up. And there’s so much hate, everywhere. It’s exhausting.
For me, I’ve just.. been sick for the past 2.5 years. Have been passed around from specialist to specialist and no one has any answers, and my symptoms have just slowly gotten worse and worse. Being sick has been incredibly isolating. And having no clear answers from doctors makes other people skeptical of what I’m going through. They don’t say it, but I can.. tell, at this point. It’s making me feel crazy. Kind of.. question reality. It’s difficult to put into words.
I’m just getting tired of fighting for a better life, and my future has become more and more uncertain. I’m scared of losing my autonomy. And losing the people I love. I can barely leave the house at this point, because doing a normal amount of activity makes me sick. I’m scared of.. being told, again, that this is all in my head, because they can’t find anything wrong. That I just need to relax. Take time off work. That I have a stressful job and put a lot of pressure on myself.. To just take it easy and not worry about it. Like, I’m in 2 types of therapy, I’m in physical therapy, I work full time.. I’m doing my best. I’m trying to live my life and take care of myself. I’m not making up problems and going to the doctor for fun. I’m smart and I know my body. I know something is wrong.
I’ve been sick all my life (since I was 4), it’s all over my records, and I’ve always been a bit of a medical mystery (which most doctors seem to hate, unfortunately). Despite the countless challenges I’ve faced, I’ve always taken everything in stride, kept pushing forward, trying to meet my goals.. but this time, my docs just seem.. to not believe me? And it’s getting to the point where I’m scared they won’t figure out what’s wrong until I’m knocking on death’s door. Ironically, I work in preventative medicine, in research.. I know the flaws of our medical system. And, as a well-informed patient, I think I’m slipping through the cracks this time.
It’s just been really scary. I have second opinions scheduled at Johns Hopkins in a few months. Just gotta make it that far.
On top of everything, my cat, who has a rare liver disease, has started doing poorly and might be at the end of her life. She’s already lived twice as long as most cats do with her condition.. I also have a rare liver disease (which is what I think is causing my current symptoms), and a lot of her recent symptoms are the same as mine. It’s fucking with my head a bit and breaking my heart at the same time.
I’m trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’ll keep looking for it. Thanks for letting me vent, stranger on the internet.
#long post#sorry#didn’t realize how much I needed to vent?#I’m trying not to talk about it as much because the people in my life are sick of hearing about it#it’s hard to think of anything else when your symptoms are constant#I don’t get a break#you know?#life’s not fair and all that I guess
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Senseless, Pt. 2
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Finally, three years later, I tested positive for COVID-19. Of course, I couldn't suffer alone, so @oftachancer humored me in inflicting the disease on Dorian so we could write Anders taking care of him (and falling in love). This is a 4-part fic which will post daily! You can follow the #senseless da fic to get updates. Written for @30daysofdorian!
I entered three separate rooms before I found the blasted kitchen. The man had two stoves. Two. Each one probably cost more than my car. And an entire walk-in refrigerator that was nearly empty. I could have fit my entire apartment in that kitchen, not even counting the fridge or the pantries. My little tub of Neapolitan seemed so lonely, sitting on its otherwise empty wide shelf. I stocked the groceries away, placing the various medicines I’d picked up in a line on the counter.
Something for the fever, the cough, the congestion. A veritable panoply of pharmaceuticals. I brought them back up with a large glass of water and a tablespoon, dragging a chair to Dorian’s bedside.
“How’s the patient?” I asked, as cheerfully as I could manage for two in the morning.
Dorian stared at me, bedraggled and somehow glamorous despite his red nose and the dark circles under his eyes. “My throat is staging a rebellion and the reading lamp is now officially too bright. How are you?”
“Tired,” I admitted, offering him pills and measuring out liquids. “But I’ll sleep after you do.”
“You’re welcome to the coffee. There’s a sealed container of a pleasant Antivan roast and a press.”
“Is this your way of asking for some?” I asked, tilting my head.
“It’s my way,” he paused to cough into a washcloth I’d given him earlier, “of offering you coffee.” He closed his eyes. “I’m quite capable of asking for what I want.”
“Good. Yes. Alright.” I glanced down at my hands. “I might make myself some, then.” I glanced down at the test waiting on the nightstand. Well. There was an answer, at least. “You tested positive, I’m afraid. But that means we know what we’re dealing with.”
“I followed all the protocols,” he sniffed, accepting the spoonful of cough medicine with barely a grimace. “I haven’t seen anyone but delivery drivers since the start of this bloody thing. Delivery drivers and one student, but we masked- Damn it, Colette.” He took the pills I handed him and the cup of water. “I should call and see how she’s getting on.” He peered at the pills. “None of these are the drowsy-making ones, are they?”
“The cough syrup is,” I admitted, “but you need the rest. If you try and work through this, it’ll take you three times as long to get over it.”
“…not work?” Dorian looked up at me perplexed. “What, at all? The virus knows if I’m thinking?”
“You need sleep,” I insisted, lifting my brows. “Much of the body’s repair mechanisms are most active during sleep. You should try to keep from doing anything strenuous, mentally or physically, for at least a week.”
Dorian continued staring at me, as though the sheer force of his personality might change the facts or at least my opinion of them. “…surely some activity is healthy. What am I meant to do? Stare at my ceiling?”
“Watch movies. Do a puzzle. Read something light, if it doesn’t make your head hurt.” I frowned. “It will probably only last a week, Dorian. What’s a week to a lifetime of working?”
It was as though I’d told him he would be in traction for months: the sheer horror in his expression. “I can’t be alone doing nothing for days.”
“…you need to rest. Really. It’s crucial.” I lifted my brows, then sighed. “…I don’t have another shift until Tuesday. I’ll need to leave to feed my cats but- I can stay with you if you-“
“Excellent, yes, thank you.” Dorian swallowed the pills and handed the empty glass back to me. “That would be best.”
“You really don’t like being alone, do you?”
Dorian shuddered. “I can’t imagine anyone does. This whole experience has been abhorrent.”
It had been for me, too, but for entirely different reasons. I felt like I’d barely been alone for weeks. I’d been looking forward to my three days off. Maybe I could rescue my poor, neglected herb garden. I simply patted the man’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. It’s been hard on everyone.”
“Yes, of course it has. People put on brave faces; I don’t see why. It’s miserable being chopped off from the world without so much as a by your leave. I had appointments and events planned. There was a lovely little cruise to the Rivaini islands I’d been planning for months. Then some little beastie comes along and there's panic in the streets and silence. Silence, even when you play as much music as you can muster-” He broke off in a coughing fit.
I rushed to the bathroom to fill his glass with water again. A pitcher. I should find a pitcher next time I ventured off into the maze. I placed the cool glass into his palm, handing him a tissue to dab at his lips.
“You’re alright,” I murmured. “Maybe we should save the speeches for another time.”
Dorian nodded, grimacing, and cleared his throat into his fist. “I appreciate your presence,” his usually velvety voice scratched as he spoke. “…if you let me know what you need, I will… place the appropriate orders. Which- ah.” He rolled to the side, opening the drawer of the side table and returned with a crisp stack of cash. “There you are.”
“…should I ask why you have a bundle of money in your nightstand?” I stared at the bills, blinking. Maybe I should make more extracurricular house calls.
“One keeps these things around in case the need arises,” Dorian waved a hand wearily. “Was it more? I can forage.”
“…Dorian, I wasn’t planning on asking you for anything. The groceries were only about forty bucks.” This had to be at least five hundred dollars. “I really don’t need you to pay me for my time; I’m happy to play nurse for a little while-“
“Medicines and the like are quite expensive and I’ve been given to understand people are spending thousands for toilet paper. Take it. I’ll only use it as tissues.” He sighed, cuddling under his blanket. “Could you put another cloth on my head? That was nice.”
“Yeah. I can do that.” I sighed, shaking my head with a chuckle. Sweet, the way he hugged the pillows, his usually immaculate mustache grown in and smushed against the covers. I always tried to keep from having crushes on my patients, but I was only human. Mostly. In this way, at least. “I can even do a step better, if you’d like.”
“Oh yes?”
I nodded, wetting the wash cloth again. “Just scoot down a little bit so I can sit against the headboard. You can rest your head in my lap. Keep your tissues handy.”
Dorian opened his mouth and closed it, hummed slightly, and studied me. “That’s very generous. Although, I should warn you, if you don’t think that counts as a strenuous activity, I’m afraid you’ve been doing it wrong.”
I laughed, surprised, then rolled my eyes. “I was going to massage your sinuses.”
“That’s the first time I’ve heard that euphemism. I did have a lovely tutor teach me to ‘play the flute’ when I was in secondary school.”
I coughed. That seemed like something to unpack when Dorian wasn’t on six different medications. Or to never mention again. “Oh, yes. Snot. The sexiest of bodily fluids.”
Dorian sniffled, blinking blearily. “It was your suggestion.”
“I meant it in earnest.” I laughed again, unable to help myself. “To help with the congestion. The massage,” I added quickly, “not the euphemism.”
“Ah, well. One easily trips into hope. A massage is also appreciated.” He shifted down the bed and looked up expectantly. “I was wondering what the tissues were for.”
“Dorian?” I asked softly, placing a pillow on my lap and running my fingers through his hair. I knew enough not to expect he’d feel the same after his fever subsided. Sickness could make a three look like a ten. “Ask me again in a week, if you’re still interested?”
He sighed under my hands, his silver eyes peering up at me. “Ask you… what, precisely?”
“On a date. Or a different type of massage altogether.” I smiled slightly, rubbing circles against his temples. “I’ve got a policy against seeing my patients, but since you’re not technically that- When you’re feeling better, if you still want to see me, I’m not saying no forever, just for now.”
Dorian’s brow lifted, his lips curling. “You can’t say no; I haven’t asked you anything.” He dabbed his tongue to his lower lip. “You can ask me, if you like. You’ve already turned me down twice. A third would be too much for my fragile sensibilities.”
“…twice?”
“Hmm. Yes. At Hawke’s Disco Ball and Varric’s reading. I’m not surprised you don’t remember. Insulted, but not surprised.”
“What, I-“ I stared at him, bewildered. Then frowned. “You were being- Oh.” Had what he’d taken for drunken jokes been- “You were talking about me?”
He chuckled, closing his eyes. “When I asked if you’d like to get a drink later? Did you imagine I was having a conversation with your shadow?”
“Excuse me, you didn’t use those exact words.” I lifted my brows. Something about how I’d intended to spend my evening? To which, like an idiot, I’d answered honestly: falling asleep to a tacky Wintersend movie with a bowl of ice cream. I had no idea he was even remotely interested in me. Why should he be? All he’d have to do is crook his finger and get anyone he wanted. “…I’m sorry,” I murmured, massaging the sides of his beautiful, beautiful face, feeling the heat rise in my own. “I didn’t realize.”
“Didn’t you?” He opened his eyes just enough that they were like mercurial crescents beneath dark thick lashes. “I’m rarely accused of being subtle.”
“Ah, well,” I chuckled, shaking my head. “I’ve always been a bit of a slow learner.”
“Unlikely.” Dorian watched me drowsily. “If you had realized… would it have changed your answer?”
“If I’d realized you honestly wanted to take me out-“ I met his gaze, as solemn as he’d been when he’d announced his impending doom. “I’d have said yes. I will tell you, though: I don’t really drink alcohol anymore. There are better ways to my heart.”
“Are there?” he asked, yawning into the pillow. “Like what?”
“The fact that I was the person you called when you thought you were on your deathbed.” I hummed, massaging the bridge of his nose, handing him a tissue. “Blow.”
He did, sighing pitifully. “The only other doctor I know is miserable and went into hiding a few years ago.”
“I suppose you’ll need to make do with me, then.” I squeezed his shoulder gently. “How’s your breathing, now?”
“I feel like I swallowed very sour brandy. Very strong, sour brandy. Is that breathing?” Dorian grimaced. “I do dislike medicated drowsiness.”
“It’ll help you sleep through the coughing,” I said, by way of apology.
“You know best.”
“I do.” I watched the furrow in his brow ease over long minutes. “Sleep well, Dorian.”
#senseless da fic#dorian pavus#anders#dorianders#dragon age fanfiction#midnight writes#oftachancer writes#30daysofdorian
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Hi again. I’m here with another Bandō request because I just can’t not. How do you think he would deal with a s/o who has terrible muscle cramps (dystonia) all over their body? It’s something that can happen at any point in time and most often affects their speech. Another thing that often happens is that they need to be helped out of bed (or sometimes chair) by their parents and they don’t especially like asking for help but they can’t always find any other way of escaping their situation so they have to and yet sometimes the parents are annoyed by that fact. They also don’t have much energy and think it’s annoying because they do like going out and doing things, it just takes a lot out of them because of their cramps and lack of energy. I hope it’s an okay request. I totally understand if it’s too much or too specific. Thanks in advance and have a wonderful day ahead.
I’d also like to ask you something else. If I’m not allowed to add it to the ask I’m sorry and I’ll ask again once the event is over. You seem like a kind person and are into two series that I really love so I was wondering whether I could DM you and talk to you (off anon of course). I saw you mention in a post that people can do that if they have different opinions on character interpretations but I don’t and I’m not sure to what extent you’d be alright if someone who just started following you messaged you so I thought I’d ask.
Okay, first off, this is definitely not too much and it’s hyperspecific in all the right ways, actually. I know I don’t often talk about myself or my life on here but as part of the my college courses, we had to do a lot of medical training so this is all shit that I know and love. So your request, where it hit on a disease that I am familiar with, actually makes me so happy! This is my shit! I hope the headcanons will do it justice, though I tried to focus them less on the disease (because anyone living with any kind of medical condition knows that sometimes...it's like they're only the medical condition and nothing more) and more on the impact it has on the relationship between Bandou and his partner.
Also, to answer your second part…UM, YES PLEASE! Seriously, I am so flattered that you want to talk to me and I absolutely love getting to know all my readers, whether they follow me or not, whether they’re new or old…one of the best parts of fandom and of running this blog is the amazing readers I have and getting to know them! Please feel free to message me, not just this anon, but any of you! It doesn’t even need to be for anything specific; all of you guys can legitimately reach out to me at any point to talk about anything and I will do my best to be there for you, though I can be a bit slow in responses as those who do talk to me know, just because I juggle responding around other things! Anyway, onto the headcanons!
Okay, so just in how your ask reads, it sounds like the reader doesn’t really ask for much help, so I’m running on an assumption here that she doesn’t outright tell Bandou about her condition right away, not when they first start dating. And I can see him really caring about her and being really into her, so he’s going to try to be nice and present himself at his best, but it does sometimes annoy him at first because she is slower and she can’t get out and do as much as he’d like to do with her and it’s like she doesn’t have the energy to really keep up with him as much as he’d like her too. And even while he’s trying to be understanding on his best behaviour, I could see him sometimes being insensitive or rude at first out of ignorance and frustration. He’d definitely feel bad about hurting her feelings but sometimes his frustration would just get to be a little too much and he’d sort of lash out or put his foot in his mouth.
She would need to let him in on what is going on with her body and the fact that she does have a medical condition that causes a lot of the things that frustrate him. Once she does let him know, he will feel like a huge asshole because of everything he said or did and the way he acted and he’ll get really standoffish for a couple days because like, he’s not good at handling his feelings so she would have to make some efforts to let him know that it’s okay and that she understands his feelings and doesn’t blame him and she isn’t angry with him.
Again, much like the period ask, Google is going to be this boy’s best friend because he does care about his partner, and he wants to actually know and understand what is going on with them. He’ll spend whole night’s up just searching for information on the condition, on how it can affect them, on what can cause it, on whether it can be cured and once he learns that it can’t, whether it can be managed and how. He’s going to be sending text after text asking them if they’ve tried the botulinum injections, if they take any of the medications to target neurotransmitters that he’s been reading does help, if they have to go to physical therapy, speech therapy, if there’s any special stretches or massages they are supposed to be doing. He’ll honestly go a little overboard, but he really does come from a good place and just wants to understand what they’re working with and how he can help.
If they do get the injections, he’ll want to be at the appointments with them. If they take the medications, he’ll be doing research on the side effects so he can be perfectly prepared to help with them. If they go to speech therapy, he’ll want to go with them (though he’s not allowed in because he generally glares and looks like a thug and he scares their speech therapist and the same goes for physical therapy, where he will plain out try to fight their physical therapist if it looks like the therapist is causing his partner pain and might even try to ask for help from the other HOMRA members to like...burn that particular physical therapist's office to the ground because the fucker obviously shouldn't be in business). And you are goddamn right he’s going to be first in line to offer to rub them down or stretch them out, especially if there’s any opportunity that those will lead them down a far naughtier road.
Honestly, Bandou almost NEEDS to be relied on by his partner. He wants to be someone they’ll ask for help; he wants to be someone they believe can take good care of them. He needs to be someone they trust and if they don’t learn to ask for help, at least from him, that could be a huge contentious point in their relationship because it will seem, in his mind and because of his self-esteem issues, like they’re thinking that he’s not reliable enough or strong enough or man enough to take care of them properly or that they don’t trust him to do so.
He will definitely not get along with their parents. Yeah, he might originally have wanted to get in good with his partner’s parents but the first sign of annoyance on their part with his partner?? He’s got a sharp tongue and they found that out quick and honestly, he would have been down to throw some hands at his partner’s parents if his partner would have just let him…yes, he’s still pouting about that.
He’ll still occasionally get frustrated at his partner’s limitations but it’s not that he’s angry at them so much as he’s angry that they got saddled with this condition, with this burden and he doesn’t know how to handle that properly so he can take it out sometimes on his partner without meaning to, but he’ll slowly get better at apologizing for his moments, at least in his own little ways. And god fucking forbid that anyone else make even the slightest off comment about his partner or the effects that their condition has on their energy, their movements, or especially their speech because….let’s just say that Bandou is part of HOMRA for a reason and he didn’t get to where he is inside HOMRA for no reason.
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I can’t get away from myself.
Like Paul said, I am exactly what I don’t want to be, who I don’t want to be. The woman of my dreams seems so far out of reach.
I’m a fan of R&B stars and I hear myself in their voices. When I sing I struggle to hear myself. Who’s opinion is closest to the truth?
I’ve been told my poems sound more like lyrics, will you write me a melody? I can’t seem to figure one out when I try, but I find myself humming the ghost of a track here and there.
Why is it all so hard?
I want to be beautiful and I keep being told I am and I’m not and I am and I’m not. Which one is it? It’s always said in the room next door, oh this person said this about you when you weren’t here. Why don’t you just kiss me, instead of my shadow?
Sideways glances, hidden stares and whispers into the ears of others. Why do you devour hers and not mine?
I want it all and nothing at once. If it’s not sincere I don’t want it, genuine. I only want it raw, whatever, however you think that is.
So many missed connections, connections I’ve missed. Open heart surgery is terrifying, I don’t want your disease, but please infect me sir. I’m contradicting myself aren’t I? I can’t help it. What I want today, the me of tomorrow detests.
I listen to music for depressed people. Does that make me depressed? Oh well, there is no shame in being frank with myself.
I search the word and his skin for the same things and end up confused both ways, back aching, heart weeping.
Phantoms still follow me into my dreams and torment me there. In waking and in sleeping I am tormented.
It’s all a cycle I recognise now. I guess knowing ahead of time gives me the opportunity to prepare: ‘failure to prepare is preparing to fail’, they say. Nothing could prepare me for this.
I’m a little girl again, before these breasts of mine drew wandering eyes and my tongue misted with heat and contempt at once. Who doesn’t truly want to be carried?
I don’t have the answers yet and maybe I never will. Right now I live for the beauty of the changing leaves. Orange, maroon, yellows, burgundy, dying green. I live for the warmth of bodies at the central library. I live for laughter in the mouths of him and him and her. I live for you. What else can I say?
#poetry#spilled ink#spilled thoughts#thoughts#poets on tumblr#writers on tumblr#creative writing#elluno#poem#prose#writing#original work
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Wip. I do want to finish this, i really enjoy doing even digital art of Metal, digital which is usually painstaking for me to do, and I’ve got sooo many angst art pieces of him in the works lol
But this is vent art. And I’m thinking it can be a nice opportunity to give an update on myself? And have a talk about flowergore, machines, sketches and disability, because I’m in that kinda mood
I didn’t want to put a read more split on this post but it became too long to comfortably fit on my blog, so alas... Life doesn’t often go as planned, yeah?
Cw for the next paragraph, just skip if these make you uncomfortable, or if you want to go straight to the flowergore & metal convo: discussion of chronic illness & disability, with references to disordered eating.
I’ve been diagnosed a bit less than a month ago with a chronic autoimmune disease that has been severely impacting my life for a long time without my knowledge: coeliac disease. Basically, my intestines see gluten as something to defend the body against, and that not only causes painful indigestions but also damages the intestines over time, so much so that the body starts having trouble digesting other things and getting nutrients from food. This has caused chronic pain, a miriad of ungodly symptoms like hair loss and skin rash, but honestly, more impacting? Chronic fatigue.
I cannot express just how much psychological and emotional damage it has done to me, to have that decline of energy come in waves, but also steadily going down over years right up to now, where I spend most my days laying in bed, where sitting up in bed and booting up my computer is a “good day”, where I’m either sleepy, exhausted, bored out of my mind or frustrated that I can’t just be making the creative content I want to do. The self-esteem utter destruction, having to work through with myself that it’s okay to be idle and abandon all ambitions, to prioritize physical survival and keeping the will to live even as you stop eating to protect yourself from pain, struggle to keep up with your daily schedule and even thinking takes so much energy. My ipad, my accessibility tool that allows me to do something even as I can’t do anything irl, has become super old and dysfunctional. It gets overwhelmed easily and works slowly, closes randomly, corrupts art files and loads apps uncorrectly. Doing anything with it is either incredibly frustrating, time-consuming and difficult, or straight up impossible or a risk to lose work. I have a Metal Sonic artwork I’ve lost and redone twice, I’m currently taking a break from redoing it a third time. It’s been rough. But tbh, in another way, I relate to it? Massive brainfog energy, lmao. When I have to remind myself that machines are faillible too, I end up humanizing it and validate its struggles, even tho it isn’t alive and it just malfunctions because it is what it is. It has taught me patience and the ability to build back up work that I have lost. But hey, there ain’t no reason to add another layer of inaccessibility to my pile, and I ordered a replacement for it just today! I’ll be so much more productive and happy with material that works smoothly and allows for more.
But anyways, back to flowergore.
Flowergore is vividly poetic, but I only realized why it has always appealed to me as a comfort/vent and cathartic aesthetic while drawing this:
There’s an innate stillness and loss of control to flowergore. Pretty, but tragic. Illness stops being an evil, and becomes a simple product of life that does its thing regardless of the will of the soil it grows in. You have to tend to the plants, whether you trim them to get them under control or must care after them to coexist. No matter if you find the flowers pretty or not, it doesn’t change anything. The flowers aren’t an innate good nor a moral wrong, they don’t even have an opinion about growing on you. They don’t care, they can’t, they’re just flowers. And yet there’s something so comforting about it, something that can be sad but that can just be peaceful, too. It’s about living through the effects, and dealing with the weeds as they come and go. Resigning yourself, or the process of getting there. It’s about acceptance, and compromise.
I think flowergore has innate ties with disability and illness that can’t be denied, nor broken honestly, when you think about it. I also think it can represent/relate with dysmorphia a lot, bodily or otherwise. In my case, I have various skin and sensory issues that give me dysmorphia, and an otherwise “I hate my body and my body hates me” feeling.
The stillness of flowergore often resonates as fatigue, sadness or anguish. It personifies the illness in a way that you can better reflect on your relationship with it, and your relationship with your body & yourself, in a way that allows you to better vent about them. It’s very healing.
These sort of things are the kind of thing that sometimes, you kind of have to personify to distance it from your identity and properly cope with them, you know? Or it’ll just consume you.
Even way before I developed my disease, or was regularly fatigued, I loved flowergore, and I think it’s just... A really nice way to frame things weighing you down, that you just kinda have to deal with and process through. Even vague or “normal”/”light” things, like fatigue or negative thoughts, feelings or insecurities.
And don’t get me STARTED on the metaphors and feelings of plants sprouting from an inorganic machine. It’s the classic “sprout growing from a crack in concrete” dystopia trope, except with a negative punchline hah. I’ve always loved to humanize the dehumanized: robots, antagonists and otherwise. I love having characters that feel like they’re on a high pedestral of innate difference and superiority away from others, but that makes them unreachable by default, deeply lonely and misunderstood for it, wether they’re truly an exceptional being or not. I love characters thinking that they’re above physical or emotional weakness getting a slap in the face and having to acknowledge their vulnerability and neglected/suppressed needs head on. I love the delusional, emotionally repressed with anger issues robot having a moment of clarity where he allows himself to be honest to himself for a bit, and resigns himself to the pain of his past and future, before returning to their regular schedule or self-destruction, or not. Ignoring is often the only option you can manage to choose when you don’t have the strenght to make a change or admit to something you didn’t want to about yourself, but ignoring is a lot harder when the proof grows ever bigger and more out of control everywhere on your body. It shouldn’t. It shouldn’t grow on you, impossible. But it does. So what are you going to do about it?
I think I finally get the appeal of hanahaki stuff too. I never understood before, but now I can see it in that same vein. Unreciprocated love causes flowers to sprout wildly, causing, at best, only body horror and/or wounds, when weeding them out or otherwise, and at worst proves to be fatal, most often by suffocating. Except that instead of illness or things like that, the thing you experience a lack of control over and feel some sort of detached destructive blame or resentment for is feelings. Feelings of love, like falling deeply in love, without your own consent, and the pain that being unloved brings. Your love, like a damaging parasitic disease.
Yeah, this isn’t gonna be my last flowergore content.
I didn’t end up talking about sketches, I don’t have the energy to and I don’t think it fits in with the rest anyway, but basically? It’s been an healing journey to allow simple, unclean sketches to be “enough”. To not be shameful, to represent progress and be pretty in their own right and a valid art format. And so, with all of this, I post my messiest sketch on social media to date. One of my very rare public wips. Freedom, baby. You get what you get, and that’s fine.
Low standards art is part of my disability recovery arc ✨
#sonic#metal sonic#fuumiku art#my content#Fumi rambles#flowergore#metal sonic angst#angst#vent art#disability#invisible illness#chronic illness#flowergore art#personal update#wip#just bc it's a wip doesn't mean you're allowed to draw over it or copy thanks#is it flowergore if the body horror is robotic? my son is a real boy wdym#feeling like i'm taking too much space on my literal blog but it's fineee /hj
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My Experience With Pine Barrens
I wanna tell y’all a story. It’s the story I experience when I listen to the song Pine Barrens by Jakey. I recommend listening to it yourself to experience your own story before I share mine. Feel free to continue, but do know that this will discuss self harm, trauma, emotional abuse, and destructive relationships.
Have you ever been dangerously in love? I don’t mean like a passionate crush, or being attracted to a bad boy, or getting sucked into someone’s destructive life. I mean the kind of love that hurts you to be in it. The kind that leaves wounds in your heart and makes you spit up trust and intimacy like bloody phlegm. Not the Romeo and Juliet love that’d make you break curfew and go against your family’s wishes. The Romeo and Juliet love that causes you to slice open your wrists at the mere thought about being taken away from them, sending your families into a spiral of grief and pain they can’t recover from.
I’ve felt that love before, a couple times, and each time prefaced the worst periods of my life. But it’s not just dangerous because of what it can do. It’s dangerous because every single time I couldn’t stop myself. It was like an addiction, pulling me in deep and swallowing my life whole, just to spit me out a couple months later, broken and shivering alone in the cold. I even started to see it coming, but it didn’t change anything. The allure was so damn powerful because it gave me something I had been chasing my entire life.
Pure, powerful, passionate bliss. The kind of shit that sends tingles through every nerve in your body. The kind of shit that makes your heart race faster than you thought possible, that makes all the anger and doubt and worries melt away just under their touch. It lights you up like a furnace and makes you scream forward like a muscle car. But it never lasts. It can’t last, because it’s fuel is you. All the little bits of you. Your quirks, your idiosyncrasies, your habits, your opinions, your creativity, your very essence. It eats it all up and burns it away, all fuel for the passion. You end up trying to do anything and everything just to keep it going another day, another hour, another minute, until it finally sputters out.
And then it’s gone. And you realize there’s nothing left. And while they’re still there, the love is nowhere to be seen, and they become a reminder of what you don’t have. It hurts, and all too often that hurt gets shared. You start finding things that don’t fit, the parts of each other that scrape like there was a miscalculation at the factory. The scraping just goes and goes, and without that fire going it digs into your brain until you can’t take it anymore, and you snap at them.
Or maybe they snap at you. It’s a game of whoever has the least patience, but it's inevitable either way. It’s not much. Just a hurtful comment at the wrong moment. But the foundation was empty, and so it crumbles into dust before your eyes. And then you’re alone. Alone and in pain. Maybe you run from it, moving away to somewhere new, somewhere better. Maybe you hide from it, distracting yourself with vices both legal and maybe illegal.
Me? I always wallowed in it. Sitting in the sadness and pain, feeling every detail of it coursing through my veins. Committing them to memory so I could replay them in my head on a loop. But it didn’t stop there, either. My mind would turn on me, like an emotional autoimmune disease. Regret and blame and hatred all turning to me and telling me I was the problem. That I was cursed. That I couldn’t love people. At my lowest, that’s when my mind would come to torture me. A few times it almost felt like an execution.
Listening to Pine Barrens reminds me of those times. It reminds me of the things my mind used to tell me at my lowest moments. It reminds me of being so hopelessly and dangerously in love that it would ruin my entire life. It reminds me of burning myself out for that other person and being tossed aside in return. It reminds me that passionate love is often the most destructive.
However, while I’m bombarded by these memories, I’m granted something important to protect myself against them. An outside perspective. Listening to Pine Barrens lets me view these moments outside of myself, seeing the moment as it is instead of how I felt. I see the pain, I see the futile attempts at bliss, I see the self-sacrifice tearing me apart. I see it all, but it’s not happening to me, not really. It’s happening to a me I used to be, a kid who was misguided but was still trying her best.
It was so easy to be there and flog myself at the altar of the person I Should Have Been and Could Have Been. To scream and yell and hurt myself in the path of a wish that was never granted. To condemn my soul early and cast myself into a hell of my own making. Now, I stand here and see the past and I realize.
I have no interest in following false idols. The person I should have been never existed. She was never going to exist. Should Have Been and Could Have Been were just the excuses, just the blinds over the view of what Was. Seeing what Was, I can’t help but feel empathy. When the false comparisons melt away, the hatred melts with them.
I’ve made mistakes. I’ve hurt people, and been hurt back. I’ve indulged in dangerous love and left myself scarred. I don’t have to hate myself for that. There wouldn’t be a point to, anyways. I’m not who I should have been, but I’m something a lot more real.
I’m a person who is trying to be better.
#Pine Barrens#Jakey#Nakeyjakey#I might do this again with other songs#I'm just trying to create something beautiful#hope you all enjoy
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Anon wrote: I accidentally made a teacher my “enemy” (just exaggerating, I hope) because I couldn’t understand his style. I’m not in my best phase of life (suffering social anxiety), and encountering this situation is kind of a hump in the process, but I try to expose myself and improve nonetheless.
When I talk to him I get paralyzed because I can’t understand what he’s trying to say to me. I highly suspect he’s an INFP, he has an individualistic aura, is very chill and sometimes random. It happens a lot that we can’t have a coordinated talk because he has a looser way of speaking than I, and I can’t keep the rhythm of his speech and end up interrupting him, not saying anything or even saying something hurtful when I didn’t ever want to say something hurtful.
The last time I went to class he was the first one that saw me arrive and tried to avoid me like a disease, and I felt really bad cause I was ignorant of what was I doing wrong, even other people noticed that and found me strange (bonus thing is that many people there are Ps and I couldn’t feel relaxed cause they were acting weird about me).
Another two persons of my age I know that wanted to be my friend were INFPs and I screwed the opportunity because I didn’t know what approach to take and how not to fake it by imitating Fi-Ne. What do I need to know to understand the style of Fi better? without needing to change my cognitive focus? I just want to find closure to this by understanding them. I’m an INFJ.
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1) Are you getting treatment for social anxiety or doing something to address it? One element of social anxiety is worrying far too much about the opinions, judgments, and criticisms of others. This excessive worry prevents one from acting naturally and rationally in social situations. This can be observed in how you aren't able to think through your responses very well in the moment.
Perhaps one learns to cope with the worry by being whatever one thinks people want or expect. However, this lack of integrity impedes the development of an authentic relationship, and the resulting problems can exacerbate one's worries about relationship failure. In other words, it is a counter-productive strategy. A relationship isn't real and can't progress properly unless people have access to who you really are.
2) INFPs generally prefer sincerity, i.e., for people to be who they really are. Thus, they don't respond well to insincerity or attempts to deny/hide the truth of oneself. If you've been putting on a defensive social mask rather than just being honest about how you feel and how anxious you really are, you basically rob people of the opportunity to empathize and understand you.
In the absence of the facts about you, people are left to formulate judgments about your negative behavior based on wild assumptions. This is how the misunderstanding probably arose. Such misunderstandings are best resolved by you coming forward to give an honest and reasonable explanation for your behavior so that deeper mutual understanding can be achieved. You can help people help you by being upfront about your challenges and requesting of them what you need to feel more comfortable.
Generally speaking, if a person, INFP or not, is empathetic and compassionate, they are open to listening. A good teacher wants to see students thrive, a good friend wants to see you happy, so they should be willing to forgive missteps as long as they see you putting in a sincere effort to correct them or learn from them.
Of course, exercise your best judgment about whether you can trust this teacher, whether he genuinely cares about his students, and whether improving your relationship with him is possible and worthwhile.
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Got around the finishing GG Begin! It’s so surreal to have been able to just read through it. Really, truly, the biggest of thank-yous to @solradguy for putting in the time and effort to translate it, having to do that for a whole book is no small job. I have just a couple of thoughts I had on it, and there will be some spoilers, if that’s something that someone would like to avoid
-Maybe it’s weird to criticize the novel of a video game series, but the first chapter or so had a lot of ‘as you know’ moments that felt somewhat jarring. Gotta be honest, not sure what the point was of the prologue was, being its own separate thing, when flashbacks were a recurring thing across the story. I think it could have been broken up and slipped in there.
-I got as far as I think chapter 2 or 3 with an incomplete, older translation before Strive came out, so with only so much I’ll admit I had thought Viidia had something to do with I-no, based on the name and their appearances. I had thought this was somehow going to be the explanation behind where she came from (and, being honest with myself, it might have been cooler)
-Tying into that I’m sorta surprised there weren’t really any connections to the main series, though I guess that’s ultimately more realistic. Part of me still wants to go with the headcanon that Dustin is a distant relative of Ky’s just for the fun of it
-Did not expect to get attached to the OC’s, I’ll admit I garnered a fondness for Viidia and Dustin and got genuinely bummed that they didn’t make it out in the end. (To a lesser extent, Serge can go fuck himself, and I wish Frederick had gotten to properly maul him)
-It was nice seeing things from Frederick/Sol’s POV, obviously he’s the protagonist so we’ve done that for most of the series but I don’t think it’s been brought up much how the cells physically feel
-Hooooly fuck Asuka his Strive interpretation has only worsened to me. Yes, I understand needing to keep up the facade to keep the military from viewing him as suspicious, but I think there’s a difference between that and actively proclaiming Frederick was never really his friend and offering no indication that he wasn’t 100% serious about this. I find it legitimately impressive that Frederick was so disbelieving of Asuka’s claims of disobeying Aria’s wishes and working for the government until Asuka fucking shot him (again). I know at least for the most part he’s putting on a show, but Asuka comes across as massively unlikeable, and I am doubling down on my opinion that Aria-Justice has every right to disembowel him and munch on his entrails
-Props to Sol for actually going ‘this isn’t what Aria wanted you dumb fuck’ someone actually listened
-Lastly I think it’s good to finally know what the fuck Aria was dying from, but it...doesn’t make much sense, at least in my opinion? I mean, I’m no doctor obviously, but the temporoparietal region of the brain is mostly affiliated with moral decisions and memory. The diseases is tends to be involved in are ones like schizophrenia and alzheimers, and while I think it’s be fine if it was stated to be a memory-related disorder- if anything, it could have been interesting to see Aria trying to hold onto the memories of her friends- but as far as I’m aware in here or in the games she’s only been portrayed as physically sickly with no real impaired brain function. I mean, if she’s still allowed to work in a science lab, clearly there can’t be much concern about her ability to recall things or perform tasks properly. I could be off the mark, though. Again, not a doctor.
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Final Battle
(Note: This song contains spoilers for track 3.)
[Sasara] Ready, [Rosho] Get set, [Rei] Go
[Dotsuitare Hompo] The showtime
[Sasara] Rhyme, [Rosho] Beats, [Rei] Flow
[Dotsuitare Hompo] Them’s all right
[Sasara] Lights, [Rosho] Camera, [Rei] Action
[Dotsuitare Hompo] Jump on it
[Sasara] Represent [Rei] Naniwa
[Dotsuitare Hompo] Osaka Division
[Sasara] Keep [Rei] smilin’ [Sasara] Respect
[Rosho] Honor and kindness
[Sasara] Bringin’ in the [Rosho] money? [Sasara] Slow ‘n steady [Rei] y’know
[Sasara] Tragic Comedy
[Rosho] WISDOM
[Rei] MasterMind
[Sasara] We are [Rei] Osaka
[Dotsuitare Hompo] Dotsuitare Hompo
[Sasara]
At-ten-tion! We’re assembled
You can’t keep shakin’ off this disease
Goin’ that far’s just no good
Your methods’ll never catch on
[Rosho]
Your counseling session starts now
Our lesson will end your life
[Rei]
Isn’t it hard to keep up the act?
If you’re going to swindle, run a better con
Danjyo: Believers! Gather at once with mics in hand! Eliminate the intruders!
Kuko: Come at me, weaklings!
[Kuko]
Weak, weak, nah, weak as shit
You’re nothin’ in front of my skill
Everybody come at me now
I’ll clean you up all at once
A swarm of small fry’s still flies
I’m not gonna save you either, dumbass
So shut up and polish your skills
And take this sermon to the afterlife
Danjyo: Damn this… What’s happening?
Sasara: Danjyo-han! Let’s have some fun!
Danjyo: Damn you…
Sasara: So you have a Mic too, Danjyo-han.
Rei: Careful. His is a real Hypnosis Mic.
[Danjyo]
I guide people to sublime ideals
The unsympathetic will be purged
The likes of Osaka are trivial at best
Try all your life, you’ll never defeat me
If you approach like children on a field trip
It’s too late for regrets
Seize hold of destiny, the Spider’s Thread
That secret power comes now to fruition
Rosho: Damn it--
Rei: He’s not half-bad.
Danjyo: Don’t look down on me, you filthy snobs! Who do you think I am? I’m the man who will one day stand at the top of this country. I’m Oogumo Danjyo!
Sasara: The top? Ahahaha, spare me. A country with Danjyo-han at the top doesn’t seem like any fun at all.
[Sasara]
A guy like you who won’t put in the work
Can’t stand at the top, what a stale joke
[Rosho]
All people have their ups and downs
Crawling back up is what makes life shine
[Rei]
Cornering people with sweet nothings
Is a fine art that puts you to shame
[Sasara]
Now let’s peel off that sheep’s wool
The Itonokai will end a burnt-up lot
[Danjyo]
Silence! You uncultured snobs
Are far too simple to have opinions on me
I can’t stand to hear your jests,
Your optimistic make-believe
The Spider’s Thread will bring salvation
Unforeseen circumstances you can’t avert
But I will not relinquish my position
What can the likes of you ever understand?
[Rosho]
I’m still learning myself,
But this I can say for certain
You, who steals away students’ dreams
Are absolutely in the wrong
Encouraging the youth
Is our adult’s role
[Sasara]
The party-crashing adults better take their leave
Isn’t that right? Danjyo-han?
Danjyo: You filthy snobs!
Sasara: Ah, stop! Damn, he got away.
Haru: Oogumo… Danjyo…
Danjyo: Hm? Oh, it’s you! Splendid timing. This time, show me a true display of your faith! A group attempting to harm us has appeared. Eliminate those fools for us at once! What’s wrong? What are you doing? Eliminate those filthy snobs for the sake of my Society!
Haru: No. I won’t.
Danjyo: What was that?
Haru: I... won’t... do what you tell me anymore!
Danjyo: You intend to stray from the Thread’s guidance?
Haru: I do.
[Danjyo]
Are you really fine with whatever might happen to your grandmother?
Thanks to us she’s still clinging to her one and only life
And yet your rebellious attitude will surely prove deadly
Should you really be choosing not to protect your precious person?
[Haru]
I was wrong. Wrong because I was weak
I was only thinking about who I could have protect me
But that’s not right. It took me a long time but I finally get it
You have to protect the things precious to you with your own two hands
My one and only Gramma, Hirorin, Ryota, my friends and family
I’ll protect them all, that’s why I’ll fight this battle
No matter what happens from now on I won’t let go of them
This isn’t where my road leads. I decide what to make of my life!
Danjyo: Damn you. I’ll have to eliminate you, first.
Kuko: Well said! You truly fought, just now. Leave the rest to me.
Danjyo: Who are you? One of that comedian’s friends?
Kuko: Huh? Comedian? If you wanna laugh, then go do it in hell! ‘Cuz I’m about to give you one hell of a sermon!
[Kuko]
Now I’ll show you the Sanzu River
This’s your last stand
Flowers of evil are the height of folly
And my rhymes make me King of Wisdom
This’s your fitting end, don’t fuck around
Hurry up and reform, put your hands up
I’ll show you some badass flow and rhyme
And cleanse your impure flesh
Danjyo: Damn it… I… I can’t lose here!
Kuko: You’re a sore loser, old dude.
[Danjyo]
P-Please wait, overlook this
I simply can’t end here
No matter what I have to exact
My revenge on those woman
You understand, don’t you? The Party of Words
Stole away my status, my prestige, even my family--
Because of them I lost everything
You’re the same, aren’t you?
Don’t you hate the Party of Words?
My revenge is for the sake of all those this country is oppressing
That’s right, won’t you join me?
Let us save this twisted world
My desires have piled up across the years
And now I’ll teach them to all the world
[Kuko]
Shut the fuck up, stupid old man
You can’t even beg for your life right
Hate the sin, not the sinner
Revenge isn’t gonna save anyone
But for the persistent
Spineless you, there’s no salvation
I’m putting some serious power in this last kick
I’m dropping you into Hell’s Pond of Blood
#rule the stage#track 3#dotsuitare hompo#oogumo danjyo#takanashi haru#harai kuko#final battle#hypstagetl#koutranslates
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So yes I understand my opinion does not matter and I’m a stupid person and no one cares , but I write this for myself and maybe others who may possibly share the same feelings, if you don’t like it keep scrolling.
First and foremost I love Jungkook , I literally can’t love any other guy cuz he is all I want in life. I’ve never wanted to love and care for and support a human as much as I wish I could for him .His personality , his. duality is what make me weak it’s a beautiful combination.He is hardworking and passionate gorgeous beast and the most baby baby boy , also I love how his personality and character have stayed so consistent throughout the years that I have loved and Stan BTS. Again he is 26, I know he is not the 20 year old goofy boba ball I fell in love with or the 15 year old bb boy with the big doe eyes and runny nose , and he has the right to make his own choices in life , and I know I am not going to agree with all what he decides to do in life , like his personal habits . Yes it does sadden me that he has certain habits that we all know are not good but I know that I can’t tell him what to do or change who he is , no one can but himself . Yes it hurts me to see him hurt himself and I will probably drop dead if I hear that he gets sick with a bad disease or something because of his habits. But again all I can do is be there for him , I can’t physically be with him , but I can support him as much as I can with the ways that I can , and respect him in all the ways that one should respect another human . Again, no, I don’t agree nor support his habits that he has, but I still love and respect him as everyone should. And I hope whoever is reading this will do the same. And all this is for all the members of BTS and other idols, respect them.
Respect = Love
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2023/04/08 English
BGM: Underworld - Rez
I usually write my ideas onto a memo pad, which has the name Mnemosyne from Maruman. Once, when the corona disease started, I bought this memo pad at Tokyu Hands in Himeji city and started writing various ideas. The different fact from other people's might be the one I am using English to write. Sometimes people ask me why I use English, but I can't answer the reason why certainly (by the way, I have never study abroad. I just learned English literature at a university, and never studied anymore). But once I heard that some people might be good at using English better than Japanese. Then, I might be one of that kind of people. Once I wrote my ideas onto a memo pad of Daiso, but it never went well. Just trying to write in English by my feeling fit my mind smoothly. At least, this is the fact from my point of view. Now, I never think about trying TOEIC, but just learning English like that.
Today was a day off. In the morning, I went to AEON and tried to read Manuel Castelle's "Communication Power" because I wanted to do a different things from my routine by my feeling. TBH this books is a paperback in English, and I heard that this is the book Audrey Tang, a Taiwanese politician's favorite book so I had bought it from curiosity. But it is tough to read because I am not used to read English. I have to accept the fact that it would work better for me to read more easier English books. I have to say I lost. In other words, I should wait for the time as pleasure when I can enjoy this book after I can improve my English. So I decided to read the English books as Haruki Murakami's "Norwegian Wood" and Paul Auster's "Moon Palace". There is no royal road to learn. Especially, on learning any languages we shouldn't be hurry to grow. Practicing every day will work as growing up. At least, I could have learned that from my experiences. I swear that I will learn English on Discord from today again.
Next Sunday I will be busy to go to vote, so today I did it. I read David J. Charmers's "Reality+". The topic has changed into about fake news, which lead me to think the possibility I have been cheated by any fake (in other word, the possibility I have been believing fake this moment). But the point is the fact that I might have the will "I want to believe sweet fact" or "I wanted to be cheated". Then, how can I find the true from the vast sea of fake? All I can do is just training my hunch every day to find any fishy things. When corona disease started, I almost believed the opinion that "Influenza is more dangerous from this corona". And about vaccination, I got confused deeply but decided to get. But even now I can't say that choice must be correct. The possibility of finding which is correct might be found after my death. It is not zero.
In the evening, I read Toshiya Ueno's "Reading autobiographies from philosophers". In this book, Toshiya Ueno talks about the danger of "finding myself". Not about having any interest in oneself, but facing other people's words which can give another point of view to "crash" oneself. This book recommends to read/encounter various autobiographies of philosophers as that activity. Me, when I learned I am autistic, I said a lot that "I am autistic" and tried to keep that fact as my identity firmly. But the fact says that I can be consisted by many identities. Sometimes opposite identity would tear me apart, and show any paradox or confused self. Then, I have to face that kind of paradox or confusion. Ignoring that diversity in myself would not be realistic. I learn English and enjoy several cultures from foreign countries, but also have a nationalistic essence that enables me to say I love sushi and miso soup. Then, it can just be OK.
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It’s been ten days since I started having symptoms of an allergic reaction. I’ve had two steroid shots, two courses of prednisone, and a short run on prescription strength Zyrtec.
It started with itchy patches on my hips. Then it spread up my torso. Up my chest and neck. Then down my legs. I had whole body hives for three days until I got a shot and the medicines were prescribed to me. On day two of the prednisone, I woke up vomiting an entire stomach’s worth of just mucus, and puked so hard I gave myself a nose bleed that took 30 minutes to stop. Got another shot. I had weird goosebump surges almost constantly, as if I had a fever and chills, but without a fever and not a chill in sight. My skin would crawl with no trigger. My throat and lungs burned as if I had the worst acid reflux in existence. And the medicines they gave me dampened all of my symptoms… but did not eliminate them.
When the prednisone ran out and I was told not to take any more antihistamines for my allergy appointment on Wednesday, I spent three days watching my skin freak out and feeling my throat slowly swell closed, dancing the line of discomfort and the need for medical intervention.
Now, with prednisone round two, my skin only feels like it’s on fire most of the time (only a couple little actual hives here and there), and the golf balls in my throat have shrunk to much more manageable (but still very noticeable) quail egg sized disruptions that are present, but not actively trying to choke me. I still get regular skin crawling surges, my throat and lungs burn all the time, and my lips and tongue tingle 24/7.
And even though I’ve only had three hours of sleep, I am awake and desperately washing down another dose of prednisone with a glass of milk because my skin woke me up feeling like it was on fucking fire again. As if I spent the last two days in full sun with no shade and I am sunburnt to hell… but I’m not.
What. The fuck. Is wrong with me?!? Why is it that the only medical professionals that seem actually concerned for me are the wonderful folks at my local urgent care? Why is it that my GP doc can’t see me at the end of his very busy day for what is clearly an emergency situation… and then the best the allergist can do is a slot a full week away from my time of call in a city that’s a solid 45 minute drive away from where I live??
Why is it like this? Why does it take so long to get medical care to respond to you? I begged for a visit with a cardiologist to get a second opinion when my last GP told me it was just “normal” for people to develop a random new tachycardia out of the fucking blue and that appointment had to be scheduled FOUR MONTHS AWAY. And now I’m in the middle of a very active and very upsetting allergic reaction that no one can tell me a reason for and the only person to ask “Have you been seen for this yet?!?” was the urgent care doctor who gave me prednisone round two.
And I keep asking “Is this an emergency? Is this worth going to the ER?” Because hospitals are supposed to take care of overwhelming medical mysteries like this. And every single medical professional I ask has said no, that if I can breathe it’s not an emergency. But short of checking myself into a goddamn hospital and forcing them to run tests and running up a bill that’s ten miles long, how else do I get them to react with the urgency I feel like this deserves?!?
What if it’s something really common and prevalent that I’ve developed an allergy to, that I will need medication to treat for the rest of my life? What if it’s a rare parasite or disease transferred through bug bites? What if it’s something catastrophic, like cancer in a weird place? Or cancer all over? What’s wrong with me? WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?!?
And!! And as if all of that wasn’t bad enough, all of the urgent care doctors have told me that I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE! They’ve all been treating people for days with mysterious hives that no one can explain! But somehow no one is talking about it! I can’t find anything anywhere about people developing this reaction or what the hell has changed. Did the county spray some new pesticide? Are the local mosquitoes carrying something dangerous?!
I’m sorry. I’m venting. But I’m scared. And all I can do is try to keep functioning and wait for Wednesday to get here. I’ve never wanted time to fast forward as much as I do right now.
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