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elluno · 19 days

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wires crossed

crossed wires

I’m fiddling with the safety switch

just throw me away

what use do I have anymore

I don’t remember my times tables

counting hurts my head

{brain fog}

when I envision my skull

cra/cking against the wall

it brings release

isn’t that sick?

I don’t want to be coddled

I just want the truth

I don’t know what I want

lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies lies

they run on and on

I’ve choked on them

mine and whoever else’s

I guess they win.

I’m not strong, sorry.

I couldn’t be strong enough.

why did you even make me?

why did you even speak

it’s a paradox isn’t it

you don’t make mistakes

yet you made me

I have to laugh so I don’t cry

I can’t cry anymore

my tears disgust them

they can’t be pure

their core is broken, tainted

It’s like I can see myself

laid upon a feasting table

and the flesh eaters

gnash their teeth

in anticipation

while I still wait for you foolishly

hoping you’ll still show up and save me

forget it.

#poetry #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #fragments #poets on tumblr #writers on tumblr #creative writing #elluno #prose #short poems #short poem #short poetry #poem #christian poems

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elluno · 25 days

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Look at all these birds

Flitting away freely

The sound of their wings gently flapping

Feathers caressing one another

Is a soothing balm

To this wretched heart of mine

For a moment

#poetry #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #fragments #poets on tumblr #writers on tumblr #creative writing #elluno #prose #short poems #short poem #short poetry #light #light academia

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elluno · 1 month

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You wrote the program for existence.

#poetry #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #fragments #poets on tumblr #writers on tumblr #creative writing #elluno #prose

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elluno · 2 months

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Mastery

of the mind

(kind)

Is more about

Choosing the thoughts

That do Good

Than anything else

Flowing out

In the Endless stream

and on those plains

moving From the back

Of my mind

Into the front of theirs

-words tied to water.

With age And time,

brackets widen and fill

With endless more

Whispers

Shouts

Moans and grumbles

And parallel,

Wisdom like naked wintered

oak,

Stretches it’s branches and retrieves

Thoughts of its own

Before placing them in

Our hands this way.

#poetry #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #fragments #poets on tumblr #writers on tumblr #creative writing #elluno #prose #poem #short poems #short poetry

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elluno · 3 months

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How many times will you cut my heart wide open before I leave?

To be honest, I stopped counting a long time ago.

Wouldn’t it be nice if I could disappear?

Not forever forever, but long enough to outlive the pain,

Wouldn’t that be nice?

The sunrise doesn’t really mean much to me anymore,

I wish I could be by the sea instead.

#poetry #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #fragments #poets on tumblr #writers on tumblr #creative writing #elluno #prose #short poems #short poem #poem #dark poetry

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elluno · 3 months

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Born in the midst of chaos,

so shall light shine unobstructed.

Say, what can be compared to it?

Who?

In truth, I have tried to source them,

dig them out of the earth with my own hands,

so when I smothered myself in that very earth

and burned,

I wondered why the smoke was so bright.

Neither grey nor black - radiant -

sweet smelling fragrance.

How can that be explained?

#poetry #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #fragments #poets on tumblr #writers on tumblr #creative writing #elluno #prose #poem #short poem #short poems

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elluno · 4 months

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I wonder how long it will take for my guardians to give up. They’ve been watching me for a while, years. I keep stubbing my toes and running into the same walls over and over again, not looking where I’m going, running blindly.

Everything’s dark and I’ve been blind all this time. I hear the voices of friends murmuring bitterly. Come on now, are you going to be broken forever? Open your eyes now, it’s getting a bit old, this broken thing. If it were that easy I would have by now. By now I would have made all my dreams come true, moulded them with my own hands, clay under my nails.

I suppose it does get tiring, watching someone cry out endlessly with no visible oppressor. It’s not real, they say. It’s all in your head, they say. Get out of your head.

I don’t have anywhere else to live, you see. Everything else is gone. I don’t really care about anything anymore. I want everything to be over so I don’t have to talk to anyone ever again or hear some long drawn out speech about persevering in hard times. I don’t have anything left to give.

If I could pull out my inner inventory and pour out its contents on a white table, a button and a short piece of thread would probably fall out. My Pastors would gasp and rush to divert my mind, tell me all sorts of sweet nothings about the power I have and this and that. They want me to cope and I want to die. I don’t want power, I want to be loved and left alone.

#elluno #spilled thoughts #writers on tumblr #prose #spilled ink #thoughts #poets on tumblr #creative writing #prose poetry #writers #writers and poets #writerscommunity

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elluno · 5 months

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I wanted to be different, different from you.

Everything I’ve done, everything I do now,

is to be different from you.

I still love you, darling, I still love you.

And I know we’re similar in so many ways.

But where it counts, I don’t want to look like you.

Where it hurts, I don’t want to sound like you.

When it rains, I don’t want to run like you do.

I’d rather stay and watch the show, stay and watch the rain wash it all away.

I’d rather stay and watch clouds, stay and hear the thunder scream aloud.

I wish you were here with me.

But you and I can’t walk together anymore.

Where you are, I cannot be.

Where I am, you cannot breathe.

I know it’s meant to be this way,

it still hurts to live this way, without you.

There’s nothing in front of me but promise, nothing behind me but memories;

smoke between my fingers.

And when I do look back,

I smile through the tears,

because I’m still here,

even if it means

I killed you

to be here.

I hope you’re proud of me.

#poetry #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #fragments #poets on tumblr #writers on tumblr #creative writing #elluno #prose #poem #note to self #short poems #short poetry #short poem

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elluno · 5 months

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I’m still alone.

When no one is watching, the smoke rises from my lips and chokes me.

I scream out for light and it looks at me from within.

It knocks and waits and smiles and tells me everything will be alright.

Why don’t I believe it?

I still don’t believe it.

Why can’t I believe it?

You know the language of my tears, the song of my pain.

Surely it calls out to you day and night.

Though I drown in these waters daily, they look on, and my thrashing limbs are still, in their eyes.

In my dreams they stare past me; it isn’t much different from reality.

I wish my salvation was convincing.

I can’t even share it because I’m not even fully convinced it’s real, eternal.

My heart still hurts despite it all, but as much as I want to hate you, I can’t.

I cannot form it within myself. Every atom in my body rebels against the idea.

My bones know you, your voice, your presence. How can I pretend I don’t? It’s pointless, isn’t it?

So where does that leave us?

Me in your arms, bleeding, as you cradle me to sleep for another night.

I guess I’ll hope that somewhere in the unknown, a day exists where I’m no longer bleeding.

Maybe that day will be tomorrow.

#poetry #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #poets on tumblr #writers on tumblr #creative writing #elluno #prose #original poetry #original poem #poem #prose poem #fragments #stream of consciousness

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elluno · 5 months

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I wish I felt this way, honestly

“I don’t worry about long periods of not doing anything. I know my subconscious is busy.” — Arthur C. Clarke

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elluno · 5 months

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I refuse to use my own hands to carve a price into my body.

I already see onlookers, voyeurs and bystanders doing the maths in their heads, numbers whizzing behind their eyes. I refuse to help them, make it easier for them to decide where I fit, where I belong.

You see, I like being elusive, mythical. I’ve never really fit in anywhere, anyway.

How many of you have been enticed by the system that steals lifeblood from your sisters, to give you glowier skin?

They know that it is the tears of other women they drink in their ginseng infused tea, yet they sip on, eyes glazed over, in love.

You will never achieve it that way. Those eyes and these eyes and the next, they are all dissatisfied in some way. One hundred becomes two, and then ten, it is never enough.

Perhaps it’s foolish of me to believe that we can escape this all on our own.

I don’t expect the individual to multiply themselves and overthrow their rulers;

I ask questions while fluttering my lashes, and sticking gemstones on my nails.

One thing community does is force you to look beyond yourself, and realise the decisions you make in your own life have a domino effect on the other lives you are involved in.

I want us all to truly feel the weight of that burden, run our hands over its surface and familiarise our eyes with its innards.

How does that make you feel?

#elluno #poetry #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #poets on tumblr #writers on tumblr #creative writing #prose #poem #prose poetry #prose poem #fragments

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elluno · 6 months

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I can’t get away from myself.

Like Paul said, I am exactly what I don’t want to be, who I don’t want to be. The woman of my dreams seems so far out of reach.

I’m a fan of R&B stars and I hear myself in their voices. When I sing I struggle to hear myself. Who’s opinion is closest to the truth?

I’ve been told my poems sound more like lyrics, will you write me a melody? I can’t seem to figure one out when I try, but I find myself humming the ghost of a track here and there.

Why is it all so hard?

I want to be beautiful and I keep being told I am and I’m not and I am and I’m not. Which one is it? It’s always said in the room next door, oh this person said this about you when you weren’t here. Why don’t you just kiss me, instead of my shadow?

Sideways glances, hidden stares and whispers into the ears of others. Why do you devour hers and not mine?

I want it all and nothing at once. If it’s not sincere I don’t want it, genuine. I only want it raw, whatever, however you think that is.

So many missed connections, connections I’ve missed. Open heart surgery is terrifying, I don’t want your disease, but please infect me sir. I’m contradicting myself aren’t I? I can’t help it. What I want today, the me of tomorrow detests.

I listen to music for depressed people. Does that make me depressed? Oh well, there is no shame in being frank with myself.

I search the word and his skin for the same things and end up confused both ways, back aching, heart weeping.

Phantoms still follow me into my dreams and torment me there. In waking and in sleeping I am tormented.

It’s all a cycle I recognise now. I guess knowing ahead of time gives me the opportunity to prepare: ‘failure to prepare is preparing to fail’, they say. Nothing could prepare me for this.

I’m a little girl again, before these breasts of mine drew wandering eyes and my tongue misted with heat and contempt at once. Who doesn’t truly want to be carried?

I don’t have the answers yet and maybe I never will. Right now I live for the beauty of the changing leaves. Orange, maroon, yellows, burgundy, dying green. I live for the warmth of bodies at the central library. I live for laughter in the mouths of him and him and her. I live for you. What else can I say?

#poetry #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #poets on tumblr #writers on tumblr #creative writing #elluno #poem #prose #writing #original work

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elluno · 9 months

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I plant my seeds as I cry,

I reap them all out in joy.

My laughter rings in the night,

My smile shines brighter than yours

And all the secrets within

They gather us and we all look out of the window.

I plant my seeds as I cry,

I reap them all out in joy.

You search my soul from within,

And gather me as I fall

And all the darkness in me

You cover up and we both look out of the window.

#poetry #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #fragments #poets on tumblr #writers on tumblr #creative writing #elluno #light #short poem #short poetry #poem

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elluno · 9 months

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Yes the crushing of my lungs, born in the curiosity of that boy’s gaze, even now still impairs the vacuuming of air in my chest.

In every tall dark figure, I see his gait.

In every bleached smile, his teeth.

In their hunger I see the blood on my uniform.

A little dove, wingless, sat on soft stolen thighs and a talking drum beat beneath the boy’s skin.

He spoke the language of the conquerors, the thieves and the murderers and blew gas-less wind into my little face.

I fell into him, inhaled as he exhaled. When I closed my eyes I could only hear the beat of the talking drum.

I began to hum along to the song of my destruction. For four hundred days, I hummed along to the song of my destruction. My throat became hoarse though, so I asked him to put his sticks away.

There was supposed to be silence

but the phantom of his song didn’t leave my lungs. Didn’t leave my lips.

Later, I was told of a specialist, a composer, who could rid me of that dreadful noise. I began to visit him.

Sometimes daily, sometimes nightly.

He taught me how to sing again, even with these broken lungs.

I am one shaky breath closer to forgetting the song of my destruction.

We are writing the song of my salvation.

It is sweet to the ear and refreshing to the soul.

I would like my final performance to be before an audience of two:

That boy with the talking drum and the wingless dove. I wish to take my breath back from his chest with my own hands and let the wingless dove take flight with my song.

Only then will I be free.

#poetry #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #poets on tumblr #writers on tumblr #creative writing #elluno #christian poetry #light

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elluno · 9 months

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I wish we didn’t have to wear shoes.

Well, being barefoot isn’t illegal,

It just isn’t the done thing.

If I could free my toes, though it sounds weird to say,

I would walk on rocks and pavement braille and learn to feel the Earth breathe.

I think we would all be so much kinder if we took off our shoes.

#poetry #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #fragments #poets on tumblr #writers on tumblr #creative writing #elluno #very silly poem but it’s true #I really hate wearing shoes 😭😭

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elluno · 9 months

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The trees have their leaves now.

Wasn’t it just yesterday we were all naked?

I am still unclothed and shaking.

The breeze is warm! The sun is shining!

In my mind it is still winter.

There is still snow falling under my skin.

My tears freeze in the lake of my heart and I am still drinking the wine of my own sorrow.

Take my cup away O Lord.

I cannot drink from it anymore.

I am choking on its rancid fruits.

Bleeding from the sting of its acids.

Will I go thirsty without it?

That which I have relied on for so long?

I am afraid.

‘Do not be afraid.’

A commandment.

I don’t want to be commanded.

Is that who you are?

An overlord, a dictator?

Can I really serve a God who is like that?

‘That is not who I am.’

‘I am merciful, I am kind. I have a wealth of compassion for you in my heart. My own heart beats for you. I love you more than you could possibly imagine.’

‘Here, drink of this water. It is the new and everlasting covenant between you and I. It will bring you the healing you so desire.’

‘Come, rest your head on my bosom and allow me to collect your tears.’

‘Come, rest in my warm embrace.’

‘You are safe here, loved here. I will wait for you forever. I will never change, ‘switch up on you’ or turn my head from you. My eyes are on you always. Do not be afraid, even of me, especially of me. I am not your enemy, not your foe. You are my child, how could I ever bear to harm you? I moulded you in your mother’s womb, counted every follicle on your head. You are mine. You are free because you are mine. I will never cage you or force your hand. You are free to move however you desire. If your desire is me, the heavens rejoice, I rejoice. If you so choose to walk away, I will wait for you here forever. Do not be afraid my child. Do not be afraid.’

#feeling prayerful #poetry #christian poetry #christian poems #christian quotes #elluno

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elluno · 9 months

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Lately I haven’t been trusting.

I thought my growth had reversed.

I realise now you can’t reverse a leg,

Un-grow it from a joint.

Sinkholes and sandpits aside,

a tree cannot be recalled back into the earth

And revert to a seed.

I still feel the need to be reborn daily,

It’s quite strange actually.

I sobbed on the phone to a friend yesterday.

Within minutes we were laughing

And passion swam afresh

In place of my tears,

Radio waves.

I can’t keep up with myself these days.

Then I checked my cycle. Ah.

When I pray and the one who sees,

answers,

I am foolishly surprised each time.

A wand is waved

and my memories are wiped.

Repeat

Repeat.

I want to kill the cycles

And the system virus,

that keeps creating them.

How do I trust fully, 100%?

‘JuSt hAve fAith!’

I wish I could tape their mouths.

There are a few, though,

who whisper,

And my entire body vibrates

With the force of their words.

May their voices be heard in all hearts.

More than anything,

I want to trust you Father.

Blessed assurance.

I ask for Blessed assurance.

When you took me to the meadow last,

I should have packed grass and petals

And pond water in my pocket.

I should have taken the meadow with me.

Why did I return empty handed?

What is this?

Are you offering me something?

My hands are open Lord.

I am happy to receive,

Willing to receive,

Desperate to receive.

Ah, I see.

I didn’t need to pack anything.

#when trusting God is difficult #christian blog #christian poems #christian poetry #poetry #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #thoughts #fragments #poets on tumblr #writers on tumblr #creative writing #elluno

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