#I gonna die but at least I'm happy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

loneliness-suffering · 1 year

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i stayed up all night again lol

My brain:STOP SIMPING A DAMN gumball MACHINE AND GODA SLEEP ALREADY

Look at the damn man & gays i can't help it

i can't get this outta my head i just love Veronica and Benson wearing dresses (cough cough

#mordeson #regular show #mordecai x benson #mordecai #benson dunwoody #The damn gays #I gonna die but at least I'm happy #regular show fanart #KILL ME

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dogboner · 5 days

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personal growth is crazy because it seems like nothing has changed until you're crying because you don't want to die. you learn something about yourself that ten years ago would have actually killed you, and now you're thinking about what you can do to heal and make peace with it. nothing may have changed to you, but to the person you were however long ago, you are the "it gets better"

#guy who's very proud of how well he's handling things rn lol #anyways personal time:#but idk man i kinda remembered smthn from my past n #like. if it wasn't for how much effort i've put into my mental health n coping skills #n my support network now #idk id be in a much worse place.#so i'm gonna forgive myself for not really sleeping last night #n having a hard time with my bpd feelings n emotions #because fuck man! i'm doin really good actually!#growth doesn't have to be oh man i'm never ever sad anymore #it's just. idk i don't cry because i Wanna die anymore #sometimes i have an intrusive thought of suicide #and it makes me cry because i DONT wanna die. and i know those thoughts are not good or needed #but i'm not gonna beat myself up for having them. i'm just gonna be patient n gentle w myself #n give myself time #n everything will be okay(:#bc it is okay! it's in the past and i'm safe now. and i wanna make other people feel safe too #growth starts w baby steps. n that's why it's so hard to recognize in yourself a lot of the time #it goes slooooooowly. for me at least lol.#mine #despite everything i am happy because i know my life now is one i love (: and one im actively trying to better for myself

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ecoamerica · 1 month

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youtube

Watch the American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 now: https://youtu.be/bWiW4Rp8vF0?feature=shared

The American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 broadcast recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by active climate leaders. Watch to find out which finalist received the $50,000 grand prize! Hosted by Vanessa Hauc and featuring Bill McKibben and Katharine Hayhoe!

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chipped-chimera · 6 months

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Going to have my consult with a clinic tomorrow to see if they think I can get into this medicinal cannabis study - please send me good vibes, I'm super sick of having these anxiety drops and fighting bad thoughts every goddamn evening when my meds wear off and I'm running out of anxiety treatment options 😞

#kerytalk #cannabis #like atm my other option is benzos #which are temporary #and also HIGHLY addictive by comparison #med cannabis has only a tiny amount of thc by comparison #also apparently i CAN vape it with asthma because its a bronchodilator #also dont want benzos because they make me feel gross the next morning #at least if i get into this study my shitty brain will be good for something #tbh i just want to go to bed chill and happy not tense as fuck and constantly thinking how im gonna die alone #because i'm the epitome of an absolute mess that no one in their right mind would want to date #at least this is proof of the ADHD - meds in system = more positive no anxiety #meds leave system = I feel like I'm gonna be hunted for sport and I'm a pathetic piece of shit #spend several hours trying to beat back my brain with a newspaper telling it to stop thinking this trash #this has been a tag rant

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pollen · 4 months

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hii it's been awhile since i've given any updates about what's going on with me but!!! i think we're moving back to oregon at some point. and i'm gonna make grad school happen. i'm so yhappy

#i'm going to oregon sometime this quarter but it's gonna break my heart because i have to leave again #idk the col is so much higher there than here. you can buy a whole three bedroom house for $200k here #a 3 bed in oregon is at least twice that #and rent is insane. $1100 for a beautiful 3 bed here. or twice that for something less nice in oregon #well. not HERE here jesus the suburbs are expensive. but in central pa where we're thinking of moving #which is like.... the best place to retire in the country? what's with that. low col probably LOL #and lately i've been feeling so..... lost? the ego death i went through in 2023 was incredible #and like. do i NEED to go to grad school to get a well-paying job in my field? no i have almost 7 yoe #but i'm missing feeling good at something. and the networking. and the portfolio work i can do. so it wouldn't be about employablility #though that helps. idk i'm gonna try to get my undergrad loans paid off as much as i can (only 30k left on the ones in my name 🫠) this year #while working on freelance projects and all that. it just feels good having a direction that doesn't feel completely hopeless #because it's been so bleak lately. like. got laid off from an agency i poured my soul into (not doing that again unless it's my own)#experienced something deeply personal and destabilizing i don't feel comfortable sharing #moved across the country while i didn't have a job and was processing that trauma to a place where i know no one #i got so lonely and so alone that i thought i would die. i didn't really have anyone to turn to while i did the work of reliving #started drinking a lot to cope bc i didn't have a medical card. was truly miserable. got a medical card. wasn't miserable anymore #and now i'm working and less anxious and feeling supported and stable in my relationship. and i feel myself coming back to myself.#it's been so hard but i'm so glad to be seeing the end of it. and to see good things and happy things in that

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studyblrattempt · 5 months

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Today's goals are like. Don't cry at the library. Don't throw up your double coffee. Don't fall asleep at 1pm.

#I wanna die lol #I wish I had my own place to isolate #I'm tired of being around my family it feels bad to say it but it's true like my sister arrived yesterday and I can't feel happy about it #I love her but she's a lot when you're tired lol and I'm exhausted #I won't even start talking about my parents..#I have to go back to work on Monday and it's stressing me out #Idk I'm just such a mess #I woke up after sleeping only around 5 hours my anxiety was so bad #Anyway let's go to the fucking library it's gonna be difficult to study but at least I'll have my peace there #Studyblr

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koumeowkami · 3 months

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GUYS THE HEADLINER PV DROPPED ... DEARVO OFFICIALLY COMES BACK ON MAY 22ND AND CIEL COMES BACK AS A SPECIAL GUEST ..........

#[INSERT THE OH MY GOD IT'S HAPPENING MEME]#I CAN'T BELIEVE OUR CIEL-SAMA IS GONNA HAVE NEW CONTENT AFTER YEARS ...#sadly it's not music but at least!!!!! he beat those death allegations #i'm literally losing it i'm just so happy 😭😭😭 i can't wait till may tho im gonna DIE #dearvo #dear vocalist

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ecoamerica · 1 month

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youtube

Watch the 2024 American Climate Leadership Awards for High School Students now: https://youtu.be/5C-bb9PoRLc

The recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by student climate leaders! Join Aishah-Nyeta Brown & Jerome Foster II and be inspired by student climate leaders as we recognize the High School Student finalists. Watch now to find out which student received the $25,000 grand prize and top recognition!

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bonesrbleaching · 1 month

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had the most braindead repetitive conversation/argument with my parents. buzz cuts are too masculine but if you dye a design on it it become effeminate which is bad because then you look weak and if youre weak then society falls apart (all societies ever that have fallen apart for any reason are actually because of feminine men) and we start sacrificing babies. and also all mental illness is invented because only 4 people had anxiety in the 90s and covid was made up so that we would all become gay and trans and then the government can control us better and be joe biden's little sex slaves. and also i need to keep my hair long because my father finds it attractive. what

#lolaa.txt #what do i even tag this with . my mother wouldn't let me leave and i kept asking for sources and she kept saying 'i'm your mother!!!'#'i wouldnt lie to you!'#okay. say that to someone maybe who doesnt know you lie to them all the time.#its tiring going around in circles with her.my father is better because at least he admits when he doesnt have a reason for feeling some wa #also what got me. she said 'do you own research if you want!! but im right!!!'#yeahh not seeing anything about anything you just said. i think you made that up.#i have a theory that my mother secretly hates herself because she believes all women are weak and must serve strong men #and my father has so so much trauma and anxiety that he cant be that strong man #so now she feels like shes betraying her very biology when she has to step up.#and also because i am stronger than her now and my hair is long and far far denser than hers and i have a younger face #that she feels that im wasting my precious femininity that she could be using. does that make sense.#shes so miserable trapped in her idea of what makes a man and a woman what they are. once you stop caring about what makes someone somethin #you dont have to worry about anyone else.#im queer because i dont really feel that connection to biological and social ideas of gender that my parents seem to #never really have #im not gonna theorize 'ohh shed be happier nonbinary' or stuff like that because it is up to you and you alone to define who you are #if you spend your whole life trying to fit a box for the sake of fitting the box #then when would you have any space for self discovery #youve invented personality traits to go along with your box. now you can never ever change or grow as a person. congrats #and you know what? one day she will die. and that will be the end of that.#and i will live and i will probably shave my head a thousand times. and come up with new names #and new ways to be a better person that makes me feel happy #and i will dress like a boy because its all made up anyways. who cares.#and if you care? that much about what im wearing or how i look?#then thats your problem and i wont be responsible to maintain your happiness.#SORRY RANT OVER.#im just so flabbergasted. what a sad life someone can lead poisoned by jealously and reactive rhetoric.#tw homophobia #tw transphobes

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answrs · 4 months

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happy new year to me. i came downstairs and all my guppies are fucking dead on the bottom of the tank because of a catastrophic heater failure. the otos are all acting weird too so they're probably all gonna fucking die soon too :)

#and the last of the line single female never got pregnant despite a week with a male in a breeding basket #so yeah. the entire line is dead :))))))))))))#i just want to roll up and die too or at least sleep forever but I need to triage and keep everyone else from dying #I was just gonna try and breed her with one of these guys but fuck me and fuck everything because they're all fucking dead now!#isn't that great!#also I'm definitely sick with whatever Mom got from church at Christmas and the pharmacy lost my pain medication #so a happy fucking new year to me

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upperranktwo · 1 year

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Straight up the only thing in my life rn that is giving me something to look forward to 😭

#blocked out any doxing info :)#i'm excited for this #i might wanna kms but at least KNY is doing something to make me happy #booked seats with the best view as well #looking forward to seeing my man in the best quality possible #i think i should be allowed in for free becahse i'm literally Douma's WIFE and he is in the thing #being made to pay to see my husband? wtf is that about #sky rambles #god gonna see gyutaro and daki die AGAIN 😭

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missshame · 11 months

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Guys guys guys I decided to quit smoking wish me luck

#Like I just threw my pack away #It's not the first time I sorta try to cut it but usually I'm like I'll finish this pack and try to wait a little before buying another one #Which I usually manage to do since I'm fucking lazy #But idk it's starting to piss me off like since I can go without smoking for quite a while why do I always go back to it #I mean I know the answer it's because I always end up wanting to smoke because of a stressful week or event or whatever #And in these circumstances I tend to be in a shit mood and when I feel bad I'm like well I don't even care that much about my life so let's #Not give a fuck a buy some cigarettes #And idk #The truth is I know deep down that I love life I just struggle but I don't want to die like I do have these Thoughts sometimes but #The Thoughts are lying to me #And I'm not letting them have me!!#Not with a rope around my throat and not with a cancer inside of it neither lol #Fuck you Thoughts! I'll live even if it feels like dying sometimes #and if you're not happy with it why don't you go k*ll yourself instead yeah?#Anyway lol I know I'm gonna have a hard time with it but I gotta try at least yk #If you read that thank you for coming to my Ted talk lol

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genderfluid-druid · 1 year

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dropping thoughts like laundry into the aromanticism washing machine and watching them spin. taking little notes in a fancy journal titled "greyro??" and crossing them out, but then going back and scribbling an addendum. holding up an extravagant glass beaker full of a cool bubbling potion and peering at it through safety glasses that say "mind the amatonormativity!"

#i think there are two layers of questioning to deal with #the first layer is easier to see and that's the trauma-related layer #the second layer has been going stealth for years and is more intrinsic #the second layer *could* have been a contributing factor toward the first #so anyway the question is. as i work through the trauma and have the support of a therapist to deal with the first layer #does the second layer become an issue. or is there only the first and it's just worked itself deep enough that it now feels intrinsic #the thing is i do get crushes and i do yearn and i can't remember a time when i didn't crave the idea of a relationship #so that should be that right? not aro. at least not intrinsically.#but why did i always end up losing interest in the relationship once i had it #was it really just because i wasn't dating people i actively chose #honestly maybe. there *was* B. i don't know how much longer that might've continued if logistics hadn't put an end to it #and M....... M is a tricky one. because even though i left that relationship by my own choice. i kind of had to in order to not want to die #the thruple vibes with K were just so utterly rancid and M was just so incapable of doing anything to make it better #so yeah. maybe that one could've continued indefinitely IF two to three of the people involved had been #a leeeeetle more mature and well adjusted. maybe. but desire for a relationship was not the issue.#so okay. maybe im NOT aro. maybe i just have shitty taste in men. you know? that's a distinct possibility.#okay. so now on the other hand. let's look at how happy and enlightened I've felt since starting to *use* the aro label #cuz it actually is fantastic. the freedom to just feel love and affection for anyone I'm close to and not have to worry about #it being taken in a way i don't intend. that's great i love that #and not feeling any pressure to find The One? rocks. good shit. i can just let whatever relationships be what they're gonna be #and not have to fret over assigning a label and structures and expectations. hot shit.#(honestly it's helping me understand where M was coming from in a way that would've been. you know. pretty useful six years ago.)#i don't wanna lock myself in a relationship with friend E but it's great hanging out with her on a regular basis #cuz that's the amount of affection i feel for her. enough to chill and watch Owl House. not enough to be in each others' space all the time #(god idk if I'll ever want to be around anyone all the time ever again. that is a LOT for my limited batteries)#idk how physical affection fits into this yet. that area is still under development #but like. if my friends were cool with it and i knew they wouldn't take it too seriously then YES i would probably kiss almost any of them #and i THINK that's true and not me telling myself something i think I'm supposed to believe? i THINK.#'s always the possibility that i just very badly want to be kissed and my brain is looking to make that happen in a way that isn't scary #ah shit that’s 30 tags. i’ve done it again.

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royalberryriku · 7 months

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Finished reading The Witcher Lady of the Lake and I'm crying screaming throwing up

#No one told me this was a tradgedy #except maybe the prophecies in the book #but cmooon #why couldn't they be happy this isnt faaaair #I get it was For The Themes™ but still #Gonna write fanfic of Ciri post canon being gay and doing crime now to make myself feel better #at least there's some vagueness in whether Geralt and Yennefer actually died bc like he was kind healed by the Unicorn right? right??? :')#before the boat which I know full well has imagry associated with death and seeing someone off to the other side but shhh #let me believe #what if the author who used symbolism didn't think of that thoooo #I say knowing full well that they're actually just dead and that I'm just very sad #at least Ciri survived #and Dandelion and Triss but apparently she dies later on going by the prophecy logic #and they're separated from Ciri #and I'm sad #Haven't felt this depressed about an ending since The End of Evangelion and Code Geass #Why the faves gotta die like that #I want a hug

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astridofraftel · 1 year

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how am I supposed to live on after buddy daddies' epilogue

#crying sobbing screaming wailing rn #buddy daddies spoilers #i don't know yet what to think of the ending #can someone force kazuki to go see a hairdresser please #also i'm sorry but rei's incompetence to cook anything other than french toast is not cute #at least they're happy for ever i can die in peace #i did not expect that flash forward but i think i like that they did one #even if it wasn't entirely satisfying #also i was not impressed by the no-homo line you know the one #it was unnecessary come on #but they're all still alive ten years later how wholesome is that 😭😭#they're a familyyyyyy #they can live a normal liiiife #i'm gonna miss them #ramble #my post

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ohimsummer · 4 months

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✎ . . .❝ PUSSY PRIVILEGES ARE GONE ❞

— talking about pussy + one mention of “dick privileges”, whiny satoru, poly! satosugu x afab! reader, serial manspreader + sassy man Suguru, black reader in mind :3

“You can’t do this to me.” Silence. “Baby, pleaseee!”

“Nah.,” you scoff. “Over with, pussy privileges are gone, and that’s final.”

“All because I don’t like the nickname?,” Suguru asks besides you, head cocked like a puppy.

You tug at Satoru’s strong hold around your waist. “Yep. Can’t get a kiss, can’t give my boyfriend a nickname. You two don’t love me anymore.”

Suguru crosses his arms over his chest, sinking further into the couch, traces of a pout falling over his face. He sighs. “What’s wrong with just calling me Sugu?”

You fight helplessly against Satoru, ignoring his continuous whining as he pulls you back into his lap. “What’s wrong with calling you ‘Papa Sugs’?”

“You can’t be serious.”

Huffing, with Satoru’s overdramatic and agonized moaning in the background. “Pft. Imma show you some damn serious.”

Suguru’s chuckle, exasperation creeping up the edges. “Sure. You’re gonna ban us from your pussy for…?”

“Indefinitely.,” you grunt, finally prying yourself from Satoru’s grip in his shock at your response.

“Baby!,” he whines, blinking shiny blue eyes at you beneath white lashes. “Baby, I-“

“Ohhh, so now I’m baby?”, you tease, rolling your eyes. “I wasn’t baby when you weren’t kissing me back, loser.”

“It was a joke!” Gojo puffs out his cheeks. “I’m a changed man, I promise.”

“Oh, okay.,” you smile at the knit of his brows. “You’re gonna be a changed man, alright.”

Satoru falls over into Suguru’s lap, stuffing his face into aforementioned man’s shirt and whining a muffled ,”You sooo hate us.”

“Whatever.,” you brush them off with a wave of your hand, heading to the kitchen. “Consider it a lesson in punishment.”

Six days. Just shy of a week before Suguru shows signs of cracking, because Satoru couldn’t withstand this whole thing to begin with. He’d tried everything from begging to gifts to taking your ‘dick privileges’, and then being immediately thwarted with a flick of your vibrator.

“That thing’s gonna replace us?,” Suguru snorts, nibbling the inside of his cheeks.

“It’ll do for now.,” you giggle with a raise of your chin. In truth, it didn’t even come close, but you’re far too petty to admit that.

“Can’t believe that is gonna get more action than me.,” Satoru groans into the pillows. “I’m gonna die at this rate.”

“Good.,” and he jolts up with wide eyes at your response. “I’ll make an example out of you for Geto.”

Satoru drags himself up to pout in your direction. "You could at least call me Satoru, he's the one you're upset with about names."

"No, first names are for boyfriends only."

Suguru lays sprawled out on the bed, legs spread open in retaliation, tapping around on his phone. "Oh? And when did we lose boyfriend privileges?"

"Since just then."

Both men narrow their eyes at you, glancing at eachother before Suguru massages a temple, lids fluttering as his eyes roll to the back of his head. "Fine, we're terrible boyfriends. Happy now?"

You adjust the towel around your chest, and disappear into the bathroom for a shower. "Nope, but I'm glad y'all know."

Ever dramatic, Satoru points an accusatory finger at Suguru. "This is your fault, she didn't take these privileges until you and that whole Papa Sug nonsense!"

"Well, you started it."

Their bickering raises bouts of giggles in your throat. Water spouts from the shower head when you turn the knob, and you tinker for a few minutes to get it to a temperature of your liking. At the sound of your 'ahem', both men go silent.

"First one to join me in the shower gets pussy privileges ba–“

There's a sound of rapid scuffling, Satoru's 'ow!', and then a flash of dark hair as Suguru slams and locks the door behind him.

"Not fair, I fell!," Satoru whines from the other side, jiggling the knob.

"Desperate are we?," you flash your tongue at Suguru as he strips bare.

"Mm." comes his quiet response, not wanting to fully admit this little game of yours was a lot more painstaking than he let on.

"Does that mean I get to call you Papa Sugs now?" Before he can open his mouth, you add, "If not then you gotta get out."

"Yes, kick him out!," Satoru pipes in, door now wide open and you notice the knob is not as attached as it was before.

Suguru sighs, throwing his shirt in Satoru's face before pinching your waist, and he smirks when you give a small yelp. "Fine."

#i pronounce it papa shugs in my head bc I rlly wanna call suguru sugar :33 #poly satosugu #satosugu x reader #satosugu drabble #suguru geto x reader #satoru gojo x reader #jjk x reader

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vendettasfanfictioning · 5 months

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Ok so. "Why does this sound like a goodbye?" Was fucking heartbreaking, right; we have the full-on uninterrupted eye contact, the head tilt, Dean's already open mouth twitching before the scene cuts to Cas' "I love you," like he had more to say, but Cas beats him to the punch. It's great, we love that. But for the dialogue to be sequenced that way, and to have Dean reply with, "don't do this, Cas."

I'm only just realizing how fucking insane it was. And sure, I might just be coping here, at the end of the day who fucking knows, but look at it. Think about it. Now let yourself feel it all over again.

It's Dean's death knocking on the door behind Cas, and it's Cas' death emerging behind Dean. Like this, they're directly facing their own demise—but they're too stuck on each other, in their moment, to give a damn. And then Dean doesn't say, "I love you too." He says, "don't do this."

He isn't disgusted or ashamed or put off in the slightest by Cas' confession, because if he is then why is he on the verge of tears? In what world would it make sense for him to want to cry after his best friend confessed to him, if the confession was something he did not want. He says don't do this here, don't do this to me now.

Even if, and that's the most unlikely if to ever exist, Dean did not reciprocate Cas' feelings—don't do this is still so fucking powerful. Because Dean's connected the dots, happiness [...] is in just saying it, and Cas said it, so where does that lead Dean? That's right, with Cas dead again, trying to save him again.

Don't do this. Don't die for me, don't love me only to die for me, don't love me at all, just stay with me.

Don't let me watch you die again and not even let me follow you—because, at the very least, that was a consolation. She's gonna kill you, which Dean knows that Billie knows will hurt him more than his own death, and then she's gonna kill me.

"Don't do this," was actually so fucking powerful, I don't know how it slipped past me until now...

#MORE destiel fuckery #supernatural #spn #destiel #castiel #dean winchester #deancas #15x18 #spn 15x18 #spn despair #dean studies #spn castiel #spn dean #spn meta #spn analysis #destiel angst

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garlique · 2 years

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i think........... to let myself be happy this year........ i just need to reconfigure my expectations of what it will all be....... 90% of what's making me so so unhappy right now is that ethan feels like he's becoming a physically unreliable person but that's literally my own fault for expecting to rely on him and i just need to like. not expect any rides or anything from him and i need to treat it like i'm doing this year on my own with occasional help from him i just can't actually rely on him at all because he will inevitably let me down

#it's ok i honestly don't think we're gonna be happy for much longer my brain is getting worse n worse #and he really shouldn't put up w it for much longer because im turning into a huuuuuge bitch lol #but it's just like. and it doesnt MATTER im not neurotic i don't NEED to be his top priority #but it still sucks to just Know that im his second or third right now because he's been SO into work #and we talked over the summer and we decided how we would do it all and then his work schedule got switched #and here's the thing. the position he does now is what the store needs AND its the shifts he prefers #but it's the opposite of everything we discussed and it happened so suddenly and now we just literally have no days off #that overlap completely because hes off sunday/monday and the only day i'm not working or in classes is saturday #and my number one dread going into this semester was that i wouldn't spend enough meaningful time w him #and it would be really upsetting to me #and i was right! so i just need to reframe my thinking and get used to feeling abandoned n alone this semester at least #who knows what my classes will be like next semester but it will probly just be more of the same #im so tired i just want to be fucking done with school but i have a whole other year and i want to die

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