Eating healthier getting more active being on a set schedule and taking my meds regularly. Literally doing everything people recommend to help you feel “better.” And I’m still so fucking drained and exhausted and lethargic all the time. No matter what I do.

Nosy Neighbors

Hey folks! This is a continuation of the Coops social media series, kind of like the boyfriend tag and the tiktoks. Let me know what you think and if you like these fics! Credit for Coops/ Sweater Weather goes to @lumosinlove, as always. Some parts inspired by the SW discord!

“Bonjour, everyone, and welcome back to the Gryffindor Lions Instagram! I’m Sirius Black and I’m here with my fiancé, Remus Lupin, to answer some questions you are sending in while we’re live.” Sirius set his phone up so both he and Remus could see it. “Alright, first question: what are our favorite colors?”

“Green,” Remus said, leaning over Sirius’ arm to see. “Specifically dark green, kinda moss tones?”

Sirius hummed. “I really should say red or gold, but I like blue a lot.”

“Don’t tell Coach,” Remus said to the camera. “Question—wow, these are coming in fast—question two: who kissed who first?”

“You did?”

“I think so. That’s right, I did, because we had the whole conversation beforehand and I just kind of went ‘fuck it’ and smooched you.”

“Smooch.”

“Shush, read another question.” Remus kissed him on the cheek as he looked back to his phone.

“Who is more romantic?”

“You,” Remus said without hesitation. “You’re so sappy.”

“That’s different than being romantic.”

“Either way, you can do it forever.” Remus scrolled through a couple more before pausing and bursting out laughing.

Sirius’ whole face lit up and he craned his neck to see. “Which one is it?”

“It’s not even a question, I just love it.” Remus took a second to collect himself. “All it says is ‘these bitches smitten’, and you know what? Yeah.”

Sirius laughed loudly, leaning against the back of the couch for a moment. “Merde, I’m using that forever. Thank you, whoever sent that in. Okay, what do we have next…who said ‘I love you’ first? Me!” He smiled broadly, looking very proud of himself. “I did.”

Remus peered down at the phone. “People think it’s weird seeing you actually answer questions for once.”

“Oh?”

“Mhm. Apparently most of them didn’t know you could actually smile—that’s sad.” Remus looked back up and stuck his lower lip out. “Everyone who didn’t know that, I feel very bad for you. Sirius Black’s smile is a national treasure.”

“That’s an awfully smitten thing to say.”

“Turns out I’m a smitten bitch, did you know that?” Remus wrapped an arm around his waist and tapped the phone screen. “On the ice, both of you are pretty aggressive—aw, that’s such a nice way of putting it—and I was wondering if that ever translates into when you argue. Oooh, we’re getting personal now.”

Sirius cocked his head to the side. “I’m going to say not really? First of all, we don’t fight that much, and second of all, we both make an effort to leave any dickishness on the ice.”

“Dickishness is a highly scientific word, of course,” Remus teased. “No, in all honesty, hockey is the only place either of us get, like, aggressive aggressive.”

“Hey, this one is specifically for you,” Sirius said, leaning down to see it better. “Oh, I like this one. To Remus, how do you survive being around that accent all day? If it were me, I would spontaneously combust for sure. How do you survive, mon loup?”

Remus groaned and dropped his head into his hands. “I don’t. It’s so frustrating.”

Sirius sent the camera a smug smile. “C’est bien. Hmm, this next person wants to roast us both. Who is messier?”

“Do you really want me to answer that?”

“You just don’t want to admit it’s you.” Sirius raised his eyebrows when Remus scoffed. “You leave your socks everywhere.”

“At least I own more than one pair without holes!”

“That’s not part of the question. I win, you lose, your turn.” Sirius handed him the phone and Remus stuck his tongue out at him.

“Someone named Laila wants to know if we ever get competitive at home or if that’s another thing we leave at the rink.” Remus propped his chin on his hand. “I don’t know, baby, do we get competitive?”

Sirius struggled to hold back his grin. “I’m just going to ask the general public a question now: what do you think happens when you put two professional athletes in a house together?”

“Especially when one of them is the captain.”

“The short answer is yes, we do. I can think of three separate occasions in the last week where we competed over something completely pointless.” Sirius thought for a moment. “Wait, no, there’s four. We should move on before this spirals. D’accord, dinonuggets asked why our dog’s name is Hattie. Good question!” He whistled and Hattie wandered in a few seconds later to sit between them on the couch. “Her name is Hattie because she is our lucky third for a hat trick.”

“Woah, people really like that.” Remus poked the screen as hearts exploded across it. “She is the best girl. Babycakes, sweet girl.” Hattie rolled onto her back and put her head in his lap. Remus petted her absentmindly as he read through the comments, then swung around to face Sirius with a mischievous smile. “What’s the best and worst part about dating someone from Wisconsin?”

“The slang for both,” Sirius answered immediately. “Jeez is so cute, but I do not understand the obsession with ‘hold your horses’ at all.”

Remus shook his head. “Tsk, tsk, you have no culture. Alright, you’re up.”

“Oh!” Sirius slapped at Remus’ leg in excitement and Hattie made a grumpy noise. “Un bébé!”

“A baby?”

“This person is just starting to question their identity and wants to know what labels we use.”

Remus lit up. “Baby gay! Hello! Oh, this is awesome. To answer your question, I used to identify as bisexual but after college I started identifying as gay because I felt like it fit me better.”

“As everyone knows, I was closeted until about eight months ago, but I’ve known I’m gay since I was…oh, maybe 13? 14?” Sirius’ face turned solemn for a moment. “Please remember that your labels can change and you’re still valid. Stay proud.”

“We’re starting to run out of time here, so we’re going to do a few rapid-fire questions. First one: What’s your favorite thing about your partner?”

“Your heart,” Sirius said, turning to look at Remus with a soft expression. “You’re so kind to everyone and you have so much love to go around.”

Remus had one hand over his mouth. “That’s so sweet. I feel so bad now. Uh, my favorite thing about you is how adventurous you are, since I’m an introvert and we balance really well.”

“Why did you feel bad?” Remus didn’t answer. “Oh my god, you were thinking of something else. What was it?”

“Doesn’t matter. Next question—”

Sirius grabbed the phone out of his hand. “Oh, no, no, tell me. Was it my ass?” The mild flush that crept up the sides of Remus’ neck gave him away. “It was!”

“I do genuinely love how adventurous you are,” Remus defended. “Just read the next question before I embarrass myself even more, please.”

“You’re never living that down. What’s the best and worst part of playing on the same team?”

“I think having the same schedule and really understanding the hockey lifestyle helps us avoid a lot of disagreements that couples have, but if we have a bad game then we both come home grumpy and that’s never very fun.”

Sirius nodded. “When you were still the PT we hung out less, since you had to stick around after practice and get there early to set up. Now, we can spend more time together in the mornings and evenings which is just the best. I’d say the worst part is that people have started comparing us in the media, and that’s total bullshit.”

“Yeah.” Remus scrunched up his nose. “It doesn’t have any real impact on our relationship, but it’s irritating to see it circulating when there are so many more important things they could be focusing on.”

“Last question, make it good,” Sirius warned, leaning back so Hattie could stretch her legs further.

“Okay, from Lathan in Texas, how do you have such beautiful hair?”

Sirius seemed rather surprised and sat up straighter. “Really?”

“Yup.”

“Well, Lathan, I wash it every other day with shampoo and conditioner and I don’t brush it while it’s dry. Once I get out of the shower, I just kind of…” he shook his head and the ear-length curls mussed a bit. “do that until the extra water is gone and let it air dry.”

“Godspeed, Lathan,” Remus said gravely. “Looks like that’s all we have time for today.”

“Thanks for tuning in, and see you later!”

HC+DG business relationship, career reading

DISCLAIMER: If you will send me an Anon, I will answer in the same tone as your ask, opinion is written.

All information and statements made in this reading or any other post of mine are all alleged until proven to be fact and for entertainment purposes & usage only. All information stated is based on my intuition and my tarot cards. Opinion only. The readings have no intention to cause any harm to the individuals, people featured in it.

Disclaimer 2 : I always always want to give you insightful, detailed readings but I had to be short with this because it’s a sad reading. I hope you will… well… enjoy or appreciate it and if you have questions go on, but I physically and mentally couldn’t go deeper in this.

The foundation of the relationship?

6 of Pentacles, 7 of Swords, The Magician.

Let’s start with the Magician. The Magician is the first numbered Major Arcana card (the Fool is the 0). This is the manifesting, the I am doing card. On the card, the Magician is raising his one hand to heaven and with the other hand, he points to the ground, to earth. This refers to the Wiccan prayer “As above so below”  This means mind and matter are reflections of each other. We are part of the universe and the universe is inside us. The Magician creates a future with a word. Words and acts should match.

As a career choice, he is someone who is self-employed, who is on the stage, who wants applause, who wants to perform…

This card is also about to reveal, like a magic trick. 

7ofS is trickery, mind game, lying, walking on eggshells, sneaking. 

The foundation of this relationship is codependency. The promise that they will do something huge and meaningful, build a new future together, but this is not true. That promise is not honest, there are lies and sneaky things beneath the surface. 7ofS has a meaning that someone doesn't want to lie but he has to. On the card the figure holds 5 swords and 2 are in the ground, he looks at those. This could mean he wants honesty but he cannot know how.  (I have a few unpublished readings and this card is coming up more and more frequently). 

What keeps them together?

3 of cups rx, 8 of cups rx, 4 of wands rx 

What keeps them together? The fact that he basically feels he has no option. He cannot go right or left because the options are horrible everywhere for different reasons. He fears change. 8ofCrx is fear of abandonment, emotional weakness. On one hand, he lost touch with his friends(3ofCrx) or they just grew apart, but they are not actively in each other's life. It could mean he is left out from their former friends’ group or they are not happy for his success. So he is lacking that friendly, supportive energy. (disclaimer: this is such a sad row in this spread, I am trying hard, but I am struggling to write what I feel and see, I hope you will understand what I want to say). This also could mean false friends, who are gossiping and bitching. I do not think he genuinely feels friendship towards DG or her towards him.

In my previous reading, I repeatedly got cards that mean one certain thing, but I chose to ignore that meaning, because, Nah, it’s not important. But this card(3ofCrx) means it so strong, I have to mention. And do not put words in my mouth, I am not stating anything but I have to mention it now. This card very strongly suggests some problems with alcohol and over partying. I am NOT saying he is an alcoholic, I am NOT saying that. What I am saying is that he perhaps has a tendency to drink more than he should and more often than he should. And if this becomes habitual… could be a problem. I’ve gotten this since I’ve started reading on him, and this is the point where I have to mention it. 

And top of that…. the 4 of Wands rx also mean he feels himself cast out - or just not belonging-  on the home front. Think about it… all of his brothers have their own family. And probably his parents are feeling good themselves too. I mean my parents have been living such a full, exciting life since I grew up and I seriously started my own life separately. It doesn’t mean they don’t love him, but he could feel left out nevertheless. 

So what I am getting at is that he is sticking to her, because he is emotionally immature and just doesn't want to change because of fear. He feels he doesn’t have a supporting family background. He cannot go back home emotionally for support, he chose to stay in a false friendship because he feels he is cast out from the warmth of the home and from real friendships. There is no business or project card in this spread… What keeps them together is not really work or business-related. 

Where is his career heading?

Fool, The Emperor rx, 5 of Pentacles

( I just want to sob, this whole reading is so depressing…. I cannot….)

He has new options, directions in his life but with the Emperor rx he almost has a tyrannical approach to them, and I think this behaviour will cost him a lot. Cost him roles, investments and money. Those new opportunities will go away, and he won’t change, just continue this behaviour.  

The Fool not necessarily mean foolish behaviour but here… I think he believes in himself too much, he thinks the new opportunities gave him a right to be controlling, overly authoritative, bossy, demanding( Emprx). He is also someone who is not taking responsibility for his actions. On the card the Emperor sits on his throne, but because it’s rx he falls off from it ( or he was pushed). He lost his kingdom, the love of his people etc. This is the tyrant who is weak card. Overly judgmental. Probably he will always find something in the new offers, beginnings which are not good enough for him.

And this will lead us to the 5 of Pentacles card. This card is a very negative change mostly financially, but I said before, pentacles are about resources. For now, I will describe the money part of it. 

On the card, you see 2 baggers, one of them is hurt, it’s winter, outside of a church. They are poor, have nothing, the walls of the church don’t protect them.

I think his behaviour, how he sees the new offers and his roles and involvement in them, how he wants to control everything will lead here. He won’t be a literal bagger, but he will suffer dearly. Doors will be slammed into his face. Maybe he couldn’t keep his lifestyle at the level he used to. As an investment, it means bad decisions, bankruptcy, etc. 

In the spread, the 5ofP is under the 4ofWrx. Both mean that you are cast out, left out, and don't belong. 

On a very concrete level 4 of W rx and 5 of P together could mean some serious money loss because of a real estate deal or because of renovation, etc. 

I also have to mention that both the Emperor rx both the 5ofP means you are lacking spiritual growth and overly focus on material things.

How does he see his career?

8 of Pentacles, 6 of Swords, Wheel of Fortune rx

Normally 6 of S is leaving behind some troublesome time, situation and seeking a safe harbour somewhere else. When I saw this card in the row I felt this, moving away not his decision, something which is forced on him, but this is just an intuition.

8 of P is the success card and he leaves this behind for some reason, maybe seeking an even bigger success, but he is heading towards the reversed Wheel which is usually the bad turn of events. The bad luck. 

8ofP is total focus on your task which needs time to bloom, but this card is very still. And the 6ofSw is a moving card. It could mean he wants something more exciting, to make things move, not just stand or sit still and focus. Maybe he doesn’t realise lack of movements doesn’t mean things are not evolving, and he wants to leave this aspect behind. This seemingly stagnation period. Problem is, it seems, he abandoned success to take a risk. Maybe part of this already happened and he knows now he has to rely on luck now. I think he felt he needs to push himself more and this won’t have the desirable outcome. Good thing is the Wheel is as life itself is in constant motion. Up, down, up again. It’s up to him how to react to this. 

Look, I get it, now it seems, he has oh, so many offers, roles, opportunities… his name has been circulating a lot lately.  But this reading had a very stable energy. It’s not a what will happen in the next few months reading. I will still check on him and NV, like a monthly spread, but for a while this is my last bigger reading on him. I will do short readings on others and I want to write about tarot in general a little bit, but I am still open to conversations and I won’t close my asks. 

You’re The One I Want To Go Through Time With

Day one of HWOL is finally here!! So excited to share all I’ve written! For today I chose the prompt Neighbors AU!!! You can read this on ao3 also as part of the collection as well!!  Hope y’all like it!! 

Word Count: 11,952

Rated: G

It finally happens when he’s 15 years old. It’s not like he hasn’t seen it coming, but Steve gets kicked out.

In the very beginning of a particularly brutal Hawkins summer, he had decided to invite Tommy over to smoke weed in the pool house. He thought nothing of it, but the neighbors complained about the smell, and, coupled with every other act of his deemed irresponsible, immature, disgraceful, by his stuck-up parents, a couple of blunts was apparently the last straw.

They tell him the Harringtons had a reputation, an air of elegance and respect they had to upkeep, so they couldn’t just let him bring drugs onto their property. He thought it was ridiculous, considering that they were allowed as much wine aging in the cellar and expensive whiskey propped up on a hutch as they wanted, but when he’d brought it up he’d gotten nothing but a stern look.

They’d been through this a thousand times over, how worthless and terrible a son he could be, grounding him for bringing too many girls home, taking his car away when he failed a class, so he knew to expect a punishment.

This is obviously the next step, the throwing him out on the street thing, for years he could feel the neglect and tension starting to build up and boil over. Sometimes, they’d even hang threats of it over his head, so now that was told he had to be out of the mansion by the end of next week or there would be consequences, it couldn’t be too much of a shocker.

Though at some point, he’s got to wonder if they ever really thought as far ahead as consequences, or if they just knew they trained their boy well enough that it never got that far. If only he had more of a spine.

Now, as unsurprising as the scenario may be, Steve was still absolutely in no way, by any means ready to be thrown out on the streets before he even had his driver’s license.

In the case of emergency, like the time Stephen Sr. got just a little too rough and popped his wrist out of place, or when they’d left him alone for a month at age 9 and he went three days without food because he didn’t know how to turn the stove on, he had his aunt, the thankfully much more compassionate counterpart to his mother, who lived over in California.

The minute they’re gone, having passive aggressively hurried off somewhere, probably the country club or something, to complain about how disappointing their son was with their rich friends, Steve grabs a suitcase from the closet and gives his Aunt Margaret a call.

Before he knows it she’s got him a flight booked, a written agreement from her sister that proved taking him in was legal, and a set of luggage. Three days later, he was flying first class towards the rest of his life.

~~~~~~~

Touching down in San Francisco has got to be the most surreal thing he’s ever done.

He’d never even left the Midwest before, his farthest ventures being into the three states surrounding his home state, so to be charted off to the west coast? It’s an experience alright.

Aunt Margaret is there waiting for him, her jet black permed hair a few inches above the rest, her brown eyes sparkling with the kindest smile he’s ever seen as she runs up to hug him.

She takes all of his bags, swatting his hands away when he tries to carry even one, and makes him sit in the car while she shoves it all into the trunk.

He wasn’t used to not being the help, since that’s all his parents ever really saw him as anyways, only valuable as their son if they got something out of the time they spent with him. It’s got him feeling weird the whole drive back to the Margos apartment, like he’s in some alternate reality where people are nice to him for a change.

She lives in one of those shared places, a duplex where the house is divided into two halves for two different renters, the very kind his mother would’ve turned her nose up at despite having been raised in one herself. Margaret told him there was a mother and son who lived in the other half, but they’re quiet enough, and polite.

Just pulling up outside of the house, Steve already knows it’s everything he’s ever wanted.

The house itself, painted a pale shade of peeling yellow and missing the majority of the shingles off of the roof, is actually a reasonable size, a direct contrast to the mansion he grew up in, fit for a dozen but occupied by one most days.

Brutal summer heat has dried up the lawn and the garden so they aren’t perfectly tailored, not trimmed by underpaid staff or watered by automatic sprinklers. All across it there’s a scattering of ornaments, like colorful pinwheels in the front garden, and plastic flamingos standing guard by the mailbox.

There’s even a rickety old fence, all mossy and broken up to mark the edges of their property, so different from the white vinyl fence in his backyard at his parents house.

It would seem too that the garage was only big enough for one car, not three like he was used to, and that the makeshift gravel driveway leading up to it was at max capacity with only his aunts Oldsmobile Cutlass Calais, and a dinged up old Karmann Ghia the same color as the house parked in it.

Basically, there were none of the telltale signs that a neglected rich boy lived there, and from that alone he already knew he belonged here.

His aunt hurries him into their section of the house, theirs is the right side, so he can get to resting off the jet lag before he starts unpacking, but he’s far too distracted taking everything in to worry about being a little drowsy.

The rooms are small and the ceilings are low. Where there would’ve been beige and white and other sophisticated tones, there was a rainbow of colors in Margos apartment, from the curtains to the carpet, the Afghan on the back of the couch to the little trinkets in the entertainment center and windowsills.

He notices that, to accommodate for the heavy summer heat, there was a fan spinning in the corner, and all the windows were left wide open. His parents had the windows painted shut back home.

It might’ve been overwhelming, being thrown into a place like this so suddenly, but in his heart he knows this was what he was made for: a cozy life with someone who treated him with the bare minimum of respect.

~~~~~~~

Eventually Steve does fall asleep, the switch from Eastern Standard to Pacific time just being too great for his body. He doesn’t really mean to, he thought he’d just lay down for a minute while he was putting his clothes away in his new dresser, but he ends up sleeping until it’s almost dark out.

He goes looking for Margo when he realizes the house is empty, an irrational pit of dread growing in his chest at the familiarity of being alone, and finds her out back.

The yard also seems to be shared with the other house, a wispy line of barely showing through grass separating the two where a divider had once been, but had since been ripped up.

His aunt is with another woman, a blonde lady who he assumed was from the next door apartment, were sitting in mismatched lawn chairs, cigarettes glowing as the sun got lower and lower in the sky.

Margaret beckons him over once she notices him, and shows him off to the woman. It’s not at all like his mother would’ve done it, none of the flaunting him to make a good impression. This is more like her wanting to introduce him because she genuinely cares.

In a way, it almost makes Steve more uneasy. He could handle all the fake stuff with only the slightest hint of discomfort at being gawked at, because most of the time he’d never have to see those people again, but this was astronomically different.

“Maria, this is my nephew Steve.” Deep blue eyes seem to take him in, accompanied by a polite smile that makes his stomach drop for no good reason.

He panics, shifts into the role of the perfect little socialite he’d been working on his whole life. Without thinking, he extends his hand for her to and produces the generic response his mother’d trained into him. “It’s a pleasure to meet you Ms..”

She takes his hand, but looks a little surprised about doing it. “Hargrove. But we don’t have to do formalities.”

“Right.” It feels awkward to Steve, but judging from the laid back attitude of the women, it’s not a universal sentiment. That only makes it more embarrassing, to be the only one bothered by it.

His aunt leans back in her chair, tapping the ash of the end of her cigarette and tells him, “Go ahead and grab a chair Stevie.”

He straightens his back out and scans the yard, expecting a chair to already be propped open somewhere. The confusion must be apparent on his face when he finds nothing but grass and more grass, because his aunt specifies, “By the shed, kiddo.”

His parents always told him they weren’t allowed to have lawn furniture except the pool chairs cemented to the ground, because they said it didn’t fit the lifestyle they tried to lead. Even the concept of a shed would’ve been insulting to their tastes.

He's done enough growing up to know now that they were just afraid to look too much like they were people who lived in rural Indiana instead of in true big city luxury. They couldn’t risk seeming too much like they weren’t in the upper middle, it would be a disgrace.

The contrast between that and just sitting out there and not having his guard up is so, grounding. Not having anything at all to do but just, sit and appreciate instead of performing and worrying, it’s a lot to take in at once.

He was so nervous the whole way up, even though it was his aunt and he already knew she was nice, that they wouldn’t get along, since that’s the way things always were with his own mum, and lord knows he hardly ever even spoke to his father.

But it’s really not tense at all, actually, it’s sort of the opposite. For once in his life he feels free of expectations, and takes the moment to just exist. Ruthie and Stephen Sr. had long ago made sure that was a concept he could barely understand.

It’s not too long after that that the screen door to Maria’s side of the house swings open, scaring Steve so bad he almost tips his chair over as he startles.

There’s a boy who he’s guessing is about his age leaning out the door, but from the distance he’s at and with how dark it’s getting, Steve doesn’t see much else about him. “M back momma.”

“Okay baby.” The screen door clicks shut again in the next moment, and Maria offers Steve an apologetic smile “You’ve gotta excuse my Billy. He’s not too good with other kids.”

“No, it’s alright.” He assures her, like a polite social butterfly should.

Maria goes in a little while after that, and Margaret and Steve follow suit, since the sun’s almost all the way down.

But Steve’s curious now. He wants to know more about the boy, Billy, he thinks was what Maria called him. It’s only right to wonder, being that they’re neighbors now and all.

It gets brought up later that night, when they’re watching TV on the couch, a thrifted, feather stuffed thing he thought was simultaneously the most hideous and most comfortable thing he’d ever sat on.

“I didn’t know you had neighbors.” He’d been trying to work himself up to talking about it, sitting in the corner of the couch in a little ball and picking at his nails as he worked up his courage.

It was funny, being so nervous over casual conversation, but he guesses he could blame his parents for that one.

His own mum wouldn’t have even paid him any mind, at most pretending to listen while her eyes stayed trained to the television or magazine or coworker in front of her and hummed a non committal response, but Margo turns her whole body on the couch to face him while she answers him, with a complete sentence even. “Oh, people used to come and go all the time over there.”

“How long have they been here? Maria and her son?”

She thinks for a moment, a little surprised at her nephew's interest in the topic of their neighbors. “I don’t know, probably about a year or so now.”

“What’re they like?” He comes across as maybe a little too eager, and his aunt notices.

“What’s got you so curious?” There’s a teasing bit of reprimanding in her tone, just enough to suggest that she knows he’s being a nib-nose, but doesn’t mind it.

And he feels himself flush, because he is being nosy. To try to save face just a little, he comes up with an excuse that isn’t quite a lie. “Nothin’, just knew all my neighbors back in Hawkins, I guess.”

But she wasn’t upset with him, it wasn’t her intention to get him to shut up, like it would’ve been had he heard the same thing from one Ruthie Harrington, so she answers that question too. “I don’t know, they’re nice, sort of reserved, but I’ve never had any problems with them.”

~~~~~~

The two boys are properly introduced for the first time the next morning, when Steve goes out to fetch the mail for Margret. It feels like the least he can do for bumming off of his aunt.

Stepping out on the porch just shy of 8 in the morning and not seeing dewey grass, or the early sunshine muted behind rolling fog and dreary clouds is something he’s going to have to get used to.

Summers in Hawkins were always muggy, full of thunderstorms and unpredictably dreary days. San Francisco is so bright, so different, and such a relief.

While Steve basks in it, the already warm breeze and the sun shining bright, the neighbors’ door opens up and Billy comes out to do the same, standing on his tip-toes to reach up into the mailbox beside the door, holding a traveler's mug of coffee in the opposite hand.

When he turns around to go back inside, Steve, staying true to wanting to get to know the other boy better, has taken a few steps closer, and has extended a hand for Billy to shake, the same sort of introduction panic he’d felt last night.

But, Billy, seeing that his hands are a bit preoccupied by a stack of bills and a cup of coffee, just offers a sheepish smile.

Steve settles for a formal introduction without a handshake, though it’s still too stiff an interaction to really get to know him beyond the awkward new rich kid in town. “Hi. My name is Steve Harrington. I’m uh, I'm your new neighbor.”

“Pleasure to meet you Steve Harrington. M’Billy” They stand there, neither of them making any move to do anything but just look at one another. Billy clears his throat and shakes the coffee cup towards Steve, sensing that maybe this was the place for hospitality. “You want some? My momma always makes too much.”

“No thanks. I’m uh, allergic to coffee beans.”

“Huh.” He seems amused by that, scrunches his nose up like he doesn’t believe it, and Steve wants to curl up and disappear. “I’ll see you later then, Steve Harrington.”

He watches the other boy turn back to leave after that, and still sort of just stands there before his brain comes back on and he realizes he should say something in return. “Right, uh, bye.”

It’s just a moment's passing, but Steve can’t get the interaction out of his head.

He chalks it up to being nervous that his new neighbors won’t like him, the fear that Aunt Margo will send him back to his parents if he can’t get along here, and that makes logical sense, except, what he’s caught up on is Billy’s crooked smile, and his blond curls that lay just past his ears, messy from just waking up and bleached from the sun, and the spatter of dark freckles across his nose.

First full day in California and he has a crush on the neighbor kid. He can’t believe himself.

There isn’t very much time to mull that fact over though, because, over breakfast, what his aunt calls her ‘special occasion breakfast’ of cinnamon rolls with ice cream, she tells him she’s going to do some errands today.

And that’s alright, he tells her he’ll be fine all by himself, and he is, for the first few hours, but the more time she’s gone, the worse and worse he starts to feel. It’s that worry again, that deep rooted fear that he’ll be left alone forever.

Experience has taught him to try to calm himself down, to catch his breath and try to focus on the fact that he knows he’s being irrational, but those techniques don’t cut it, as they often don’t, and he’s sending himself further into a panic attack trying to think too hard about it

Sitting inside, he gets stir crazy, feels suffocated by everything that had before been inviting to him, so he goes for some fresh air out front. Watching the road for so long, just waiting for the Oldsmobile to pull up, he starts to feel antsy again, so he goes out back where it’s quiet instead.

There’s a glider on the porch back there, an old rusty thing that squeaked every time Steve rocked it forward or back, but the calming motion of it is probably the only thing keeping him from spiraling too far.

He doesn’t really know what time it is anymore, only that he’s hungry, and that the sun’s going down, and that he’s been sort of zoned out back there for a long while. He feels hot and cold at the same time, and he’s lost in his head.

The sound of a screen door gently tapping against the side of the house brings his eyes up from the spot on the ground he’d been staring at with tears in his eyes, but it isn’t his aunt Margaret coming home, it’s just Billy.

With his hands stuffed in his pockets, leaning against the wall between the back doors, he says real quiet like, “Momma told me to ask if you wanted some of the dinner she made.”

He shrugs. “I’m alright.”

“I figured.” Billy looks at the floor while he tries to figure out how he wants to approach this. For a long moment, neither of them say a word, no sound between them but distant field crickets, until Billy asks, his voice quiet enough it barely registers in Steve’s mind. “You okay?”

If he’s being entirely honest, Steve doesn’t really know if he’s okay. He trusted his aunt enough to move all the way across the country with her, and yet he can’t manage enough trust to believe her when she said she’d come home from some errands? Doesn’t sound too okay to him.

But he’s not in Hawkins, he’s away from the people he knows for sure wouldn’t be coming back for him unless it was to pull something like they had and treat him like garbage. So in a way, he guesses he’s better than ever.

Unable to think of any words that might convey what he’s thinking, Steve just shrugs again, but Billy seems to get it. He sits down next to Steve on the glider and plants his feet so it won’t move, and so Steve’s attention will be on him.

Knowing he’s got Steve’s focus, since he looks over at him with glossy eyes, Billy tries to reassure him, “Your aunt’s a good lady. She wouldn’t leave you.”

“Who said I thought she would?” It sounds pathetic, wet and stuffy with the remnants of tears he hadn’t known were falling, but there’s a vulnerability he couldn’t hide behind even the toughest of masks that reveals he isn’t being honest.

“The way you watched for her car said enough.” It makes Steve feel exposed, having a total stranger see right through him, but Billy explains himself. “When my momma went out looking for this place, I was sure I’d never see her again.”

“Why did you guys move here?” If he was going to psychoanalyze Steve, he felt it was only fair to ask Billy a pressing question back.

“I’ll tell you if you tell me.” He deflects it back onto Steve in a way that might’ve seemed cocky, but it's obvious he’s just trying to avoid the question.

Steve won’t let him win this one though, maybe just to save his own ego, or pretend like he hadn’t been caught crying by someone he met that morning, or maybe it was just because he had asked first, but he wants Billy to answer, so he tells him, with the slightest hint of a bashful smile playing at his lips, “You first.”

“Stubborn.” He cracks a smile back though, and goes ahead and goes first at the other boys insistence. “My dad’s a real nasty s.o.b. Would get drunk and mean for no good reason, so momma took me and we high-tailed it before he did anything too drastic.”

He didn’t know what he was expecting, why he even felt like it was any of his business, and he doesn’t know what he should say to that.

For lack of a better response, he gives his own little life story summary. “My parents were rich. They didn’t want me, so they have the time of day for me. No matter what I did they punished me for it, grounded me, hit me, sent me to Christian school, until they just got sick of me, I guess.”

“That sounds pretty shitty.” Billy offered.

“Yeah, yours too.”

After a while, Billy, sounding for a moment like he’s a lot wiser than any 14 year old has the right to be, says “What matters is we’re here now.”

Steve feels so touched hearing that. It was so simple a thing for the other boy to say, but coming from Billy after he’d just shared what he did, it means a lot more than just basic condolences.

Hardly anybody had ever been that genuine in anything they said to him. Steve can hardly force a response out of his shocked mouth. As he looks over at Billy’s face, still turned up towards the sky, he sees all that meaning there illuminated by the stars, and he's able to mutter a breathless, “Yeah.” in response.

They both jump when the door flies open, and aunt Margo comes running over to Steve. Frantically she explains that she’d been trying to make sure everything was legal, only to find that some of Steve’s papers were missing, and they had to try to track them all down and get some of them faxed, and it ended up taking way longer than expected.

It feels nice to be understood. Just a few years ago his parents left for what was supposed to be a three day trip to Indianapolis, only they didn’t come back for what was almost two months. Once they were home they didn’t even mention it, just continued going about their business as usual until it was time to leave again. His aunt taking the effort to explain herself was already a vast improvement from that.

He lets her pull him into a big hug, accepts her apology as the air is squeezed out of his lungs, and when he pulls away from her, Billy’s gone.

~~~~~~~

Finish reading on ao3! You can find this posted under the same title by ej_writer or as part of the hwol collection over there! Sorry tumblrs word limits deemed this too long!

Thank you @dutch-tv-fan 😊 I hope you like this one! Also tagging @itsbadgerbadgermushroom because I’m only borrowing her husband for a brief time, I promise 😉

“Is that a tattoo?”

*

Hindsight is a funny thing.

Not that anything could’ve fully prepared you for what happened last night, but looking back maybe might’ve given you a hint.

Maybe.

Let’s start from the beginning.

You’d been friends with some of the Rangers spouses and partners for a while now, having met a few of them through a yoga class, and the casual lunches and wine nights had snowballed into going to their casual team get-togethers and parties. While they had their handsome husbands and glamorous lifestyles, you were perpetually single, no matter how many dates you went on.

Not that you were bitter about it, not at all. One day your prince would come (that’s how it worked, right?) and to be honest your life was pretty damn great as it was - dating the guy of your dreams could only be a bonus, right?

Unfortunately you’d already met the guy of your dreams. Chris Kreider.

From the very first moment you’d met Chris, you’d been weak at the knees. Not only was he so incredibly handsome, but every time you joined your friends at an event or party, he always made the effort to talk to you. And not only meaningless conversation fillers - he genuinely discussed things like your favourite books, politics, climate change, your hopes & dreams, to name but a few. And he always had something insightful to say back, making you more and more helpless each time.

How could you not be? Nobody was perfect, but damn if he wasn’t close.

Today you were at Henke’s house, just a pre-summer team party as the weather was so nice (and he had an amazing backyard). You’d only been there about an hour, still on your second glass of red wine, and everything was so chilled and fun...

...until one of rookies tripped over his own feet and knocked into you, spilling your red wine all down your white shirt. Oh god.

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” the rookie gasped.

You just shook your head, forcing a smile on your face. He didn’t do it on purpose, you had to remind yourself. It was just a dumb mistake. Ugh! Therese Lundqvist immediately appeared next to you, shooing the rookie away, and took a look at your ruined shirt with a sigh.

“I have a laundry trick I can fix this with but we’ll need to soak it quickly,” she said kindly, “come on, I’ll lend you a shirt,”

Oh thank god. “You’re a saint,” you groaned, following her up the stairs.

She just laughed, leading you into her bedroom. “No woman leaves another woman with a red wine stain,” she grinned, opening her wardrobe doors.

You perched on a nearby armchair while she rummaged around, smiling to yourself. Seriously, what a saint.

“Ooh this will look cute on you!” she said happily, emerging from her wardrobe.

She handed you a pale blue top, light flowy sleeves...and a cropped torso. Oh god. A crop top. At this party?!

“I don’t know, Therese, I haven’t worn a crop top in public for ages. Can I pull it off?” you frowned.

“Are you kidding me? You’re going to look amazing in this! Seriously, with your figure? You need to show off your body more,” she insisted, hands on hips, staring you down.

“Okay, okay, I’ll wear the top,” you laughed, holding your hands up in surrender. How did she manage to make your crack so easily? Magic powers, seriously.

“Good,” she grinned, “give me your shirt to put in soak now, and I’ll give it back you when it’s dry,”

You nodded at her, whipping your shirt over your head, leaving you in your plain bra. Therese squeezed your hand in support as you handed her your shirt, smiling at her until she left the room. It was only then that you allowed yourself to breathe shakily, staring at the shirt until you shook your head. It was just a crop top, you could do this. You worked hard on your body - sure it wasn’t perfect but you were usually so confident in how you looked, so why should today be any different? Nodding to yourself in the mirror, you pulled the crop top over your head, smiling at the flowy sleeves in the mirror. Yeah, you could do this, that wasn’t so bad.

With your head held high, you left Therese’s bedroom, a small smile on your face. Yeah, you could do this. You paused as you got to the bottom of the stairs, running a hand over your exposed waist. Here goes nothing.

“Oh hey, nice top,”

You looked up to spot Chris walking down the hall towards you with a teasing smile, and you couldn’t help but blush lightly. You’d never worn something so revealing around him before, so you were a little nervous.

But as he got closer to you, he seemed to freeze, his face making a strange expression.

“Is that a tattoo?” Chris asked, his voice a little strangled.

Your cheeks immediately flared fully into a blush, and you followed his line of sight to your ribs, where you did in fact have a small butterfly tattoo peaking out. Whoops. It had been just a silly moment of bravery with your college friends before you graduated, all of you getting the matching tattoos to symbolise your friendship (and that friendship was still going strong today so hah!) but you rarely showed anyone because it was so high on your ribcage.

Until today, when you had to change into a crop top. Damn it.

“Um yes?” you said hesitantly, wincing to brace for impact at the incoming judgement.

But no judgement came - just a soft noise that sounded like a whimper. What? Chris took a step towards you almost as if on auto-pilot, eyes a little wild, until he seemed to snap himself out of it.

“Sorry, I, uh...”

He trailed off, cheeks a little flushed, confusing you.

“Are you okay?” you frowned.

“Other than you driving me crazy, yeah?” he laughed dryly.

What the hell? “Driving you crazy? I haven’t done anything!” you insisted, pouting slightly.

“Oh god, not the pout,” he groaned, almost to himself.

“Okay seriously, what the hell are you-“

Your words dried up in your mouth as Chris stepped impossibly closer, pinning you to the wall, your heart beating so fast in your chest. “Tell me to stop,”

What?

Before you could say another word, Chris ducked his head and pressed his lips to yours in a firm kiss, making your breath catch in your throat in a gasp. He kept kissing you, over and over and over again, until you melted into his embrace, hands clutching at his shirt. He was kissing you. Chris Kreider was kissing you. This was everything you’d dreamed of but never thought you could have, and here it was happening?

Then Chris pulled away with a whimper, but kept his forehead pressed to yours for a moment, giving you the time for your head to stop spinning before he stood up properly.

“I’ve wanted to kiss you for so long,” he murmured, thumb stroking over your cheekbone where his hand cupped your face.

He smiled as your cheeks flared in a fierce blush. How could you not blush, when he was telling you what you had yearned to hear?

“Then why now?” you asked softly.

Chris smiled a little wistfully. “You’ve always been a mystery to me. You arrive out of nowhere, already seamlessly blending in at team events, and you came across as so sweet and friendly right from the first time we met you. And god you’re so beautiful, I was dazzled straight away. But then as I’ve gotten to know you a little more each time, you’ve gotten me wrapped up more and more but still without knowing enough. Like, seriously, the guys tease me all the time for being besotted with you even though truly there’s still so much more to know. And then this tattoo...it’s such an intimate thing to see and to learn about you, and I just cracked. I’m sorry,”

Your jaw dropped as you processed his words, his incredible heartfelt words. You’d caught his eye since the very first meeting? He’d been trying to get to know you at each event? He thought you were beautiful? He was...sorry? No!

“Don’t apologise,” was all you managed to say.

The smile that spread across his lips made your heart skip a beat. Now it was your turn. “I thought you were so handsome the very first time we met, and it’s always such a fight not to say something stupid or embarrass myself around you because you make feel so giddy any time you pay me attention. The other ladies always tease me too, so I guess we’ve both been dumb?”

“You like me too?” Chris said, looking a little stunned although his smile was still beaming.

“Yeah, Chris, how could I not?” you admitted, smiling helplessly.

No point in not telling him the truth now, is there?

Chris just laughed, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead before looking down at you again. “So does this mean I can kiss you again?”

“Only if you take me on a date tomorrow,” you shrugged, smiling innocently.

“Hell yes,” he murmured.

You barely had time to take a shaky breath before Chris kissed you again, and this time you slid your hands up his chest and around his neck. Chris groaned softly, pressing you into the wall as the kiss got more intense, months of built up tension pouring through his embrace, his tongue sliding against yours in a way that made your head spin. This was everything, absolutely everything you had wanted for so long, and he...

“HELL YES, HE FINALLY MADE A MOVE! HENKE, YOU OWE ME 100!”

Chris broke the kiss with a groan, and you just buried your face in his chest to hide your blush. Oh god.

“Damn it Mika!” Chris hissed, glaring over his shoulder.

You couldn’t help but start laughing, hand coming up to cover your mouth, but when Chris started laughing too, you let yourself go, clinging on him to keep yourself upright.

“Want to get out of here so we don’t have an audience?” Chris asked, eyes still full of laughter.

Oh hell yes. “What did you have in mind?” you grinned.

“How about you, me, and a little making out on my sofa? I could make you breakfast in bed tomorrow too, get a little head start on our date,” Chris offered, pressing a light kiss to the corner of your mouth, “and no funny business either, I promise,”

Well...

“Maybe a little funny business,” you teased, running your thumb over the side of his neck. What? You were a grown-ass adult, you could have a little intimacy without it ruining a potential relationship.

He just smirked, sending a jolt through your body. Yeah, you definitely needed a little fooling around now.

“Let’s get out of here,”

I’m struggling so much financially and honestly just wanted to vent somewhere. I’ve always lived in poverty and I think in my whole life I’ve had maybe 2 years where I didn’t have to stress about money and not be able to buy groceries or pay rent or be put into collections for not being able to make payments etc and that was when I was in college. For at least the past 5 years I’ve been struggling but I never talk about it. I don’t even know where to start haha I don’t even know what it’s like to not stress financially and be in debt. I’ll just start with the first things that come to mind with what I’m owing maybe. So it’s Dec. 23 and rent was due yesterday because we moved into this small suite attached to someone’s house on Nov. 22. It’s $1200 which is so expensive, but also the average price for BC if not even cheaper for a one-bedroom with a yard, utilities included. and no first and last, no pet deposits, etc because this is just short them for 4 months until the end of March because i reached out and asked and they said yes.

After 1 month I already remember why we went into the trailer almost 2 years ago and it’s literally because we can’t afford any other lifestyle. I think that’s the difference between us and some people that live in trailers, vans, etc. like we lived in a mouse & mouse shit infested trailer for 6 months breathing in their feces and urine and having it all over all our belongings. i literally had to take my whole life to the dump and we officially have no food storage because they ruined it all. there were at least 50-60 mice because a few birth cycles happened in the ceiling. I could write a whole post about my experience of living with field mice, but now isn’t the time so for rent, i only had $600 yesterday so that’s what I gave them. thank goodness they were okay with me asking for a few more days to make the other half. but I don’t even know when that’s going to be :(

my etsy shop veganveins has been doing so bad lately for more than one reason, most of my orders are just postcards and stickers, and while I’m grateful for them, that $1-3 profit isn’t going to keep my business going. and it’s so hard for me to work lately. the wifi doesn’t work sometimes for hours and I always get distracted by shawn and the dogs working from home in a small space. I need to get better at my time management. I got up at 8:30 today which is actually early for me so I’m proud of myself. I’m chronically ill and I really need to go get a blood test and see what’s happening because I haven’t gotten one since being diagnosed with graves disease again 1.5 years ago. anyways. i switched to a print on demand method this year for veganveins for some shirts and sweaters because i couldn’t afford to keep ordering shirts in bulk, and it’s honestly been so, so expensive and i barely make any profit. I’m currently owing my t-shirt printer $999 on one invoice (it was originally $2196 so I’ve at least paid half of it) but that was 2 weeks ago and I still need to pay it. Mario, my t-shirt printer has been with me since I started veganveins and I’m so grateful he gives me extensions on paying the invoices. every other t-shirt printer I’ve ever asked has said no. in addition to the $999 there’s going to be another $2200 invoice I’ll be receiving this week for my last order. I think because of the holidays he’s going to give me some time to pay off that too, but the problem is when I have outstanding invoices he doesn’t print new orders for me. He’s closed now until Jan. 4 so I just need to somehow make that much before then.

btw I don’t have a credit card ($8500 all used on veganveins and it got put into collections last march) and I had a fully used $5000 line of credit but I got a debt consolidation loan for $16,000 1 month ago and my payment for that is $167 a month. it fully paid off and closed my credit card and line of credit + $3000 overdraft which is nice. but now I don’t have any extra money except for what comes in. my credit is only 640 which is really bad in canada so I won’t get approved for a new credit card or loan until I build that up, which is going to be a few months of regular payments. so for regular payments, the $167 for the loan is due on Dec. 27. Yesterday the trailer loan which is literally unliveable from what the mice did until we renovate it came out for $260, that’s how much I pay once a month for it on the 22nd. I didn’t have $260 in my account so it got rejected and I got charged a $48 NSF fee. omg if anyone is reading this long i’m shook. i’m genuinely just writing this for myself to process my feelings and in case anyone was curious about my financial situation here you go haha. maybe some of you can relate, maybe some can’t. anyways. so now I somehow have to get $260 in my account for that for when they try to take it out again in the next few days.

another payment that was supposed to come out yesterday but hasn’t, but I’m sure will come out today is our truck loan. they deferred it for 8 months because of covid which was so nice, but we started paying it again 2 months ago. for both those months I called and made my payment a later date and that helped, but there’s barely any service here so when I called 4 times yesterday to try and change the date the payment comes out, I was on hold for 20-30 mins then my phone would disconnect and hang up. so that’s $586 and it will come out today, I have $0.46 in my account right now so it will get rejected and I’ll get charged another $48 NSF fee. this is why being poor always costs more and the banks are always harsher on those who don’t have money. today I’ll try calling again to see if I can ask for it to come out on a different day like january 10 instead, so I can first have time to pay rent and the trailer and also our $190 truck insurance which got rejected from my account 3 days ago, which was another $48 NSF fee. oh and something else i’m so stressed about is CIBC is going to put me into collections on December 28 if I don’t pay $1000, $700 of which is purely their fees. I have a $300 overdraft which they said i have to cover by then and the $700 is literally their $48 fees added up over the past 3 months. I got a text from them today saying my account is over and it’s because an amnesty international $11 monthly donation came out and obvi there’s no money in there, so that’s another $48 they charged. they’ve already given me a month to pay it and don’t want to wait any longer :(

I owe everyone in my family money, my sister $1650, my mom $700 and my brother also lent me $700. none of my siblings have money either and my mom definitely doesn’t so I hate that i had to borrow that much, and it’s literally been months. thankfully they’re so patient but i can’t wait to not owe them that

omg and i can’t even think about the amount of money shawn’s grandma has lent us. she’s genuinely the only reason we haven’t been completely homeless. but it’s a lot. like i don’t even want to say the number on here. she let us use it from her line of credit over the years and we’ve been slowly paying her back, but she lets us go months at a time without making a payment which i honestly hate doing, but have no choice. i’ve felt a lot of shame and guilt about this, but I also know that she genuinely would rather help us than see us suffer.

so i’m gonna talk about a big reason I’m broke this month especially - saving a pig named buster. his rescue cost me $1850 out of pocket that I didn’t have. but otherwise he was going to be killed in 2 days, he was my baby and I loved him so I had to do it. I somehow made $1350 that went towards it but I’m still owing $500, which I just asked for an extension for today until the new year. i’m not really supposed to talk about it but everything I’ve ever posted here has stayed here, so that cost was literally just from me buying the pig off the farmer. myself along with everyone else ive talked to is disgusted that he charged that much, but he wasnt budging and if that’s what it was going to take, of course I’m going to do it. I wouldn’t think twice about doing it for my dogs and Buster was smarter and more affectionate than them. i love him and I’m so happy he was saved. a non-profit organization transported him to a sanctuary and it was my biggest wish come true and the happiest moment I’ve had all year. my eyes are literally tearing up haha i love him so much. i could write a whole post about his neglect but basically he hasn’t had fresh water in weeks, he was only being fed handfuls of mixed nuts, he was constantly dirty in a muddy enclosure with an electric fence that he was always getting shocked on. he never got true love or affection except for when I gave him it. i posted an instagram story about him and asked people to message me and that i needed help, 2 people donated $111 and $120 each, and 2 other people donated $15 and $12. Someone also e-transferred me $20. These 4 donations equaled almost $300 ($277) and I was so grateful for those people wanting to help me help buster. if anyone else wants to help me with the cost of his rescue i still do need help and would appreciate it so much. this feels really weird and vulnerable for me to do and i’m sorry if anyone is annoyed by this post, I just genuinely am struggling and figured if someone does have extra and wants to help, there isn’t harm in that. but i do feel guilty for asking because i know there are so many other people struggling out there that need even more help than i do :(

i haven’t talked about it publically but i guess I will now, this farmer that I bought buster off of is the owner of the organic vegetable farm i was living and working at this past spring and summer. we worked really hard all summer to be able to stay there and park for free in the winter, but this past fall he told us no one was allowed to stay at the farm anymore, including us, so we had to find a new place to bring our 14ft trailer in to live. so that was an unexpected bummer and if we had known we wouldn’t be allowed staying there anymore (despite doing the labour of $1200 a month for free harvesting organic kale, for an off-grid spot he told us was worth $350 a month to park) we wouldn’t have driven 8 hours with the trailer and we would have stayed in the snow in northern BC and sucked it up and lived on the land we got the opportunity to rent this fall. Donna, the woman who is renting the land to us has been the biggest blessing in my life this year. I love her so much. Basically, she’s letting us live on 170 acres for $600 a month. letting us do whatever we want on the land (building a cabin, setting up rainwater catchment systems, having a solar passive greenhouse and a huge garden) LIKE WHAT. we could even open a farm sanctuary if we had money, i wanted to so bad but obviously that dream didn’t even come close to being reality. opportunities like this literally don’t exist in canada, especially not in BC. i cant even process my gratitude, i cry everytime i think about it. when we go back in the spring it’s going to be the beginning of the rest of our life :) i want to rescue so many senior dogs. everything we’ve always wanted to do we’ll be able to do, assuming we have money haha. but i want to have an organic farm and grow veggies to donate to families in need, especially since we live on stolen indiginious land and I see how the goverment actively restricts their access to fresh healthy produce. but anyways by then it was too dangerous to drive 8 hours back hauling a trailer in the snow and it was just easier to stay in the okanagan until the spring. i know the farmer probably doesn’t realize this and he’s also probably struggling financially but not being able to stay at the farm for the winter months we worked for, and buying buster for that price is a big reason I’m in the financial stress I am now so I figured i’d talk about it.

anyways. i think this is long enough and i think anyone reading this gets the point, i’m drowning in debt, my small business is almost costing me more to run and i’m not making nearly enough profit to live, the past few months ive been living off grid (not by choice) and just focused literally on surviving and not freezing and getting water etc and not having service or internet has affected me negatively. there’s internet now in the suite I’m in, it works really good in the morning and not as well at night, like for example tumblr doesn’t work past 5 pm for me to post photos. but ive been in a bad sleep schedule since i got here that i need to change. im sick and i need to heal myself. tomorrow i’ll set my alarm for 7:30. hopefully i make some money today. i got a social media managing job and it will end up being $1000 a month once i do the 3+ hours a day of work which im already feeling like i barely have time for my own basic life tasks. but i can do this.

if anyone reading this wants to help me out a bit, my paypal email is [email protected] or http://www.paypal.com/paypalme/veganveins

and my e-transfer email is [email protected] i have auto deposit so you won’t have to ask a question :)

this is my first time in 7 years i’ve made a post like this or asked for help. i won’t do it again but figured i have nothing to lose. if you read up to here i love you a lot and thank you so much for being here <3

Democrats gained’t Work With Marjorie Taylor Greene. Tonight, They Play Baseball along with her.

WASHINGTON — On Wednesday night, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene will take the field with the Republican congressional baseball crew, becoming a member of the ranks of more than a century’s worth of lawmakers living their predominant league desires in the name of charity and bragging rights. The video game — seven innings on a huge league field — is a Washington subculture from an prior period, marked with the types of odes to bipartisanship that both cause eyes to roll or people to admit that yes, it’s vital in any case to bear in mind that lawmakers are americans too. And the lawmakers take it very severely: They’ve been practicing each day before crack of dawn, and participants of both teams have waxed poetic leading as much as the video game about how first rate a pitcher former consultant Cedric Richmond changed into before he became poached by using the West Wing. After the 2017 shooting that centered a Republican follow and essentially killed house Minority Whip Steve Scalise, the game has bridged our present period of violence and polarization with a special one. however isn’t it ordinary, I’ve been asking Democratic lawmakers, to play in opposition t Greene in a charity online game about bipartisanship — given, you comprehend, all of it? Greene become only 1 of 147 Republicans who voted in opposition t certifying the effects of the 2020 election after the Jan. 6 rebel, but she’s been among the loudest cheerleaders of false election conspiracies. every apartment Democrat and 11 Republicans voted to strip Greene of her committee assignments in only her 2d month in Congress due to her historical past of racist remarks and comments she had made earlier than her election in support of violence in opposition t Democrats. within the months seeing that, she’s careworn Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Cori Bush to the extent that Ocasio-Cortez raised security issues and Bush selected to stream her workplace away from Greene’s “for [her] team’s security,” voted in opposition t awarding Congressional Gold Medals to the Capitol police officers who responded on Jan. 6, and compared coronavirus restrictions to the Holocaust. but contributors of the Democratic roster generally seemed miffed that I’d questioned if politics could get within the way of a bunch of politicians enjoying baseball. “I think here is one of the crucial instances that, you know, notwithstanding I nevertheless am mad at many contributors — Republican participants that supported as a minimum the concept behind the rebel when it comes to overturning the election — that we’re going to simply focus on the game,” Arizona Rep. Ruben Gallego stated. He in fact isn’t involved about Greene’s ability on the field, either. “If she plays baseball as dangerous as I noticed her shoot the M82, I don’t believe she’s gonna be a extremely valuable baseball player,” he talked about, relating to a crusade ad the place Greene shoots a Prius with a 50-caliber rifle. in keeping with a request for remark for this story, Nick Dyer, a spokesperson for Greene, noted in an email, “Over 70 Democrats have signed up to expel Congresswoman Greene from Congress and each Democrat voted to eliminate her from committees. Who definitely are the aggressors? who is basically being nasty?” Dyer went on guilty Greene’s series of public confrontations with Democratic members on Democrats, including Rep. Eric Swalwell who he stated had had a “intellectual breakdown within the Capitol” and delivered, “​​It’s time so that you can be taught to be an genuine journalist in its place of a gossip columnist.” Swalwell, a different Democratic participant, in comparison the baseball video game to the Olympics, the place international locations with many changes come together to have a good time sports, and to former president George W. Bush throwing the first pitch at Yankee Stadium after 9/eleven. “I don’t want politics to, you know, be a part of the game,” he mentioned. Tom Williams / CQ-Roll call, Inc by the use of Getty photographs Steve Scalise hugs Raul Ruiz throughout the 57th annual Congressional Baseball online game at Nationals Park on June 14, 2018. Rep. Mike Doyle of Pennsylvania, one of the vital Democratic crew’s two managers, mentioned he and a lot of different players have made pals with Republican members during the baseball video games and that they “are attempting to put as a great deal of that behind” them as they can. “without doubt, we have very powerful disagreements not handiest about what took place on Jan. 6, however on different issues, too,” Doyle spoke of all the way through an interview ahead of the game. “but here's one day within the yr that we try to placed on an honest demonstrate for the americans that are available in the stands and buy a ticket, realizing that that money is eager about the charities that we help.” nevertheless, Doyle recognizes on some level that this is a special variety of 12 months, with an never-ending pandemic and a former president who insists, with the support of allies like Greene, that the election become stolen from him. “We’ll see,” he introduced. “i know that our intent isn’t to go in there angry. Our intent is to head in there and beat them on the baseball box.” As is lifestyle, the online game will raise cash for a number of charities within the DC enviornment, together with the USA Capitol Police Memorial Fund. The fund was delivered to the charities a few years in the past, following the shooting of Scalise, a lobbyist, a staffer, and a member of Scalise’s security, right through practice the day earlier than the 2017 game; devoid of the Capitol cops within the aspect returning the shooter’s fireplace, it’s very possible the follow would have develop into a mass casualty adventure. The fund is bleakly, freshly important again this yr. not yet 9 months have handed considering the fact that the Jan. 6 riot, when five americans, including one police officer, died all through or almost immediately after the assault. four law enforcement officials, together with one Capitol Police officer, who responded have died by way of suicide in the months because. whereas i used to be reporting this story, Greene thrust herself into the information yet once more, this time starting a screaming in shape about abortion on the Capitol steps, when she yelled to a group of Democratic contributors gathered for a press conference to “stand with girls.” Democratic Reps. Pete Aguilar and Debbie Dingell snapped again; the former referred to as Greene “performative,” and the latter informed her to “practice the simple component you’re taught in church: admire your neighbor.” Tom Williams / CQ-Roll call, Inc via Getty pictures Greene screams at Rep. Debbie Dingell (off digital camera) all through a construct returned superior for girls rally held via Democrats on the condo steps of the united states Capitol on Sept. 24. Later the equal day, on Twitter, Greene quote-tweeted Dingell, writing, “ALL apartment Democrats are evil and may kill unborn toddlers the entire way as much as birth & then celebrate.” In yet another tweet the next morning, Greene wrote, “Dingellberry is like one of those disturbing little items of 💩that adheres on a ways too long.” but Aguilar, a member of the Democratic baseball crew, stated he doesn’t suppose it will be awkward to see her once more on the field. Like lots of his colleagues, he observed he might be concentrated on successful the video game, however he gained’t be stunned if Greene picks up the fight again throughout the online game. “She naturally loves the highlight and likes to yell at her colleagues when the cameras are round, so i would imagine with the cameras being on she'll continue to do the same,” he mentioned. Aguilar has performed on the crew when you consider that he became elected seven years in the past. He said he remembers smartly the camaraderie forged between Democrats and Republicans in the video games following the shooting on the Republican observe. however this yr, he confessed, doesn’t consider the same. “loads of our colleagues on the different group were on the condominium ground with me, and they voted no longer to certify the election after a mob tried to storm the Capitol and kill us,” Aguilar talked about all the way through an interview Tuesday afternoon. “So I consider that half’s a bit complicated, in the event you beginning thinking about how we got here collectively after that one incident after which how divided we're after this incident. … It’s difficult to wrap your intellect round.” Aguilar sits on the committee investigating Jan. 6. He wonders if his Republican colleagues examine him otherwise now too. Rep. Jared Huffman of California additionally referred to this year feels odd to him. “we've performed this online game throughout tricky political moments. We performed it within the shadow of the awful taking pictures of Steve Scalise — but this appears like essentially the most surreal second of all, and this online game, you be aware of, doesn’t ensue in a vacuum,” he pointed out. “It occurs within the context of what’s happening within the nation’s capital and in the nation itself.” The lawmaker struggled to discover the appropriate words to explain how he felt about taking part in towards Greene, notably concerning Jan. 6. “It may also be, you know, what’s the correct be aware? Awkward, extreme, creepy. I don’t be aware of,” he stated. “I actually hope we can discover a second of charitable commonplace cause and nonpartisanship. That’s what this game has all the time been about, and it’s what most of us love about it.” Early Tuesday morning, at a container in northeast DC flanked by security guards, a handful of Democratic lawmakers gathered for their 2d-to-last follow earlier than the big day. Rep. Linda Sánchez of California, who changed into sporting purple streaks in her hair, has played on the crew for 19 years. We stood alongside the primary final analysis, observing her colleagues take hacks at crisp batting observe pitches thrown through a staffer. “It’s harder to come into the office day by day and be round americans that you should’t believe,” Sánchez stated when I asked even if the assault — and the sympathy a few of her Republican colleagues have shown for the insurrectionists — affects how she’s thinking concerning the online game this year. but, she added, “On a baseball field, you’re focused on the game.” Sánchez paused as an additional Democrat passed by means of and handed her her glove, which he’d been the usage of to snatch fly balls within the outfield, before she persevered. “so that you don’t in fact feel about that. but yeah, I imply, Jan. 6 is seared into everybody’s collective reminiscence. I still have nervousness as a result of that.” Then she started to choke up. ● Sep. 29, 2021, at 17:28 PM Correction: 4 police officers have died with the aid of suicide in the months on account that Jan. 6. An past edition of this story miscategorized the officers. 먹튀검증

1. How has covid affected you? It just made me even more of a hermit crab than I already was, which I acknowledge is absolutely nothing at all compared to what so many people around the world experienced. It’s heartbreaking to say the least to see the tremendous effect it had. 

2. What is a comfort show of yours ? Shows I grew up with and have seen many times. The other day I couldn’t sleep at all and I decided to put on The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh, which used to come on the Disney Channel early in the morning when I was a kid and it was just really comforting and helped me relax enough to fall asleep. 

3. Are you open about your past or do you not let anyone in? I’m quite open on here that’s for sure. I’m not nearly as open in person as I am in these surveys. 

4. Favourite fast food joint? I don’t have a particular favorite, really, it just depends what I’m in the mood for.

5. Do you think we were put on this earth for a reason? Yes.

6. What is something you have done this year you’re proud of? Nothing. This year has been awful so far due to some health setbacks. 

7. Do u ever feel like surveys are usually the same questions? Oh, most definitely. I guess I have to expect that considering how many I take and how long I’ve been doing these things. Still, it does get annoying when the same questions come up a lot back to back. So often I’ll take a survey and then do another after and end coming across the same questions. 

8. What were you doing 10 years ago? Ten years ago I was 21. Wow. I was attending community college, I had friends and a social life, I was actually doing something... sigh. Soooo much has changed.

9. Do you call out Karen’s when they’re harassing a cashier? No.

10. Animal crossing , yay or nay? Yay. I was addicted like all of last year and then for some reason I stopped playing a few months ago. I should start up again. 

11. Why do you like to do surveys? I just genuinely enjoy doing them. Besides giving me something to do, these are like my diary entries as well. I’m able to vent and ramble, which is often needed. I also like the interesting and random questions to think about and answer. I just like ‘em, man. 

12. Did you ever have a MySpace ? Yep. I was super into Myspace back in it’s heyday.

13. Do you think breaks are toxic in a relationship? I wouldn’t say they’re toxic, but I don’t know how well they work out. You definitely have to make sure you’ve very, very clear on what all the break entails and that you’re both on the same page. 

14. Do you have a YouTube channel? If no , would you create one? If yes what’s your content? I have a YouTube account so I can subscribe to accounts and whatnot, but I myself don’t make videos. I have no interest at all in that.

15. Are you a math person? Noooo. Math and I have always been enemies. 

16. What’s the worse thing someone has said to you? Hm. I feel like the worst things have been said by me to myself. :/

17. Have you ever befriended someone because you felt bad? Kind of. :/

18. Would you ever date someone online? Nahh.

19. Have you been ghosted before? Would you ghost someone? I sure have and unfortunately I’ve done it as well. :/

20. When do you think things will be normal again? I don’t know...

21. Do you watch anime? No.

22. Biggest goal you wanna reach before 2020 is over ? Welp, that passed. 

23. How old did/do you turn this year ? I’ll be 32. D:

24. Do you like tiktok? I was hooked for a good while and then fell off. It’s been a couple months now since the last time I’ve been on there. 

25. Do you ever miss vine? We have TikTok now. But there were a lot of good Vines that still get mentioned and people remember. That was a whole different time. 

26. How are you doing, seriously? In the words of MCR, “I’m not o-fucking-kay.” It’s been rough.

27. Is there someone you want to talk to but you know you can’t? Kind of.

28. Do you make jokes to cope with your problems? Self-deprecating jokes are definitely something I do. 

29. Have you ever had someone call you their best friend but you didn’t even consider them a close friend? Yes. :X I feel like I’ve definitely been on the other side of that as well, though. I always felt like I was closer to someone and they didn’t feel the same way. 

30. Have you ever dealt with a pathological liar? Not to my knowledge.

31. Long or short surveys? Long.

32. If ur in school , are you doing it on zoom or in class? --

33. Would you ever have a pet rat? Gah, no.

34. Favourite memory with your best friend? There’s way too many. 

35. Favourite type of content to watch on YouTube? ASMR, vlogs, Disney related videos (history of Disney and its parks, history and information about the movies and TV shows past and present, theories, fun facts, etc), abandoned buildings, lifestyle videos, some drama videos...

36. Are you allergic to anything serious? No, thankfully. 

37. Dream job? I don’t have one. :/

38. Do you think dreams mean anything? Sometimes.

39. Fav clothing brand? I don’t have a favorite brand, really. 

40. Do you miss anyone? My loved ones who have passed away.

Lazerquest - part 3

Alex Turner x Reader

Chapter 3/?

Description: you are an impulsive bartender who recently moved to London after traveling across the United States and living on the road for a few years. You befriend Alex, a musician who recently got out of a long term relationship, and you show him the ways of your free-spirited lifestyle in an attempt to help him move on from his ex. However, you become more of a muse than a friend for Alex and all is revealed when he releases his band’s fourth studio album, “Suck it and See”.

Word count: 2.5k

Warnings: none

Tag list (msg me if you would like to be added):

@lolurnotmileskane @imagine-that-100

Updates whenever the heck I please (at least once a week) 

Oh also for those of you who don’t know: 

Y/N: your name (first)

Y/L/N: your last name

Y/F/N: your full name (first & last)

Y/N/N: your nickname

**************

“Oi, Y/N. Do you want to explain to me why Alex Turner is asleep on my couch?”

You were shook awake by your roommate, who looked rather embarrassed.

“I told him he could stay the night. Him and I were up until like 5 a.m…. Is that a problem?” you grunted before flipping back over and shutting your eyes.

“Yes it’s a problem, I just went out there in nothing but a towel to start my coffee! A literal celebrity could’ve seen me nearly naked!” Tatiana whisper-shouted. 

“Well he didn't, did he?”

“Well...no…”

“Then why are you in here, Tatiana? I don’t see an issue.”

“Fine. I’ll leave you alone grumpy,” Tati said and walked out of your room, but immediately she turned around and shot you a devious look. “Before you go back to sleep, though, I think your little friend is waking up. And since you didn’t give him a good shag last night, I’m gonna go make my move.”

Your eyes shot open and you were out of bed in a matter of milliseconds. “You better not, Tati. I swear to God.”

She winked at you before darting down the hall, and you ran after her. The two of you turned into a scene out of Tom and Jerry, chasing each other around the apartment but being silent so as to not wake up Alex. This went on for way longer than it should have, before the two of you heard rustling coming from the couch and stopped dead in your tracks. Tati had to put her hand over her mouth to suppress her laughter and you mouthed some profanities at her before watching Alex’s head pop out from the couch and rub his eyes at you.

“Well good mornin’ ladies. The two of you are pretty energetic, aren’t you?”

You thought Tati was going to pass out from embarrassment, and you had to chew on your bottom lip to stop yourself from bursting out into laughter. “Morning, Turner,” you said.

“Can I get either of you some coffee?” Tati asked and turned toward the kitchen. Both you and Alex expressed interest in Tati’s offer, and you went to sit beside him while your roommate was in the kitchen.

“How’d you sleep?” you whispered to Alex and rubbed his back reassuringly.

“Not too bad considering how small your couch is,” he smiled and ran a hand through his messy hair. “I actually slept better than I have in days. I think that opening up to you last night really helped.”

You couldn’t help but grin. Alex and you had stayed up for hours talking about his feelings, and you could tell it was something that was long overdue. He had so much pent up that he told you it physically hurt to talk through his emotions, but a bottle of wine and many tears later he said that a huge weight was lifted off of his shoulders. He wouldn’t tell you this until months later, but that first night Alex came to trust you and enjoy your company more than he ever had with anyone before. You already felt like an old friend to him, the way you clicked and communicated was perfect and he never wanted to be away from you.

“I’m glad to hear that, Alex. You better be well rested, we have a long day ahead of us,” you chirped, and rubbed your hands together in anticipation. Boy oh boy did you have a day planned for Alex. You genuinely wanted to help him get his mind off of Alexa as best as you could, and you knew only one way to do that.

Alex gave you a curious look. “What kind of long day?”

“That’s unimportant. Just know you’ll have lots of fun. Oh, you don’t have anywhere you need to be tomorrow, do you?” 

“Not that I know of… but if we’re going to be out all day and night then we’ve gotta go back to my place so I can change.”

Before you could respond to Alex and let him know that’d be fine, Tati re-entered the room with 3 cups of coffee, creamer, and sugar in her arms. “Where are you guys going? Do I get the apartment to myself today?”

“There’s our little waitress!” you clapped. “and yes, you get the apartment to yourself today. Alexander and I are going on a bit of an adventure.”

“Ah, a classic Y/F/N adventure! How come Mister Turner gets to accompany you in one before I do?” Tati pouted and handed out the coffees. She put a considerable amount of cream and sugar in hers before handing you the creamer.

You took the bottle from your roommate and thanked her. “Well, Tatiana, maybe if you didn’t work 6 days a week we would have gone on one by now. Alex just so happens to have an open schedule today, and I want to help him take his mind off of some things,” You smiled at your new friend, before noticing that Tatiana was giving you a wild look. “Not like THAT Tati. Get your mind out of the gutter.”

Alex laughed heartily at that and began to drink his coffee.

“No cream or sugar for you, Alex?” Tati asked.

“Nah, I like my coffee like I like my women…. bitter and unforgiving,” Alex smirked. You and Tati looked at each other and then back at Alex before cackling like witches.

The rest of the morning was spent with the three of you on the couch, cracking jokes and enjoying coffee. Around noon you left Alex alone with Tatiana in the living room so you could go get ready for your day. 

After taking a shower, you slipped on a pair of black Levi’s shorts that very much reminded you of your time spent in the southwestern United States. They were vintage and had an extremely worn look, and you had added studs to the front and replaced the worn pockets with new ones made of a black bandana material. They served looks that you described as “trashy cowgirl”, and you thought they paired perfectly with a black bralette, a leopard print fur coat, and your go-to platform Doc Martens for a True Romance vibe. Back home, your friends praised your sense of fashion constantly, saying you were “classy coke whore chic”. Your most iconic looks consisted of vintage mini dresses, printed pants, platform shoes, corset style tops, and lots of fishnets. Basically anything that was out of the ordinary and had a vintage vibe, you were all over. 

After putting together your outfit for the day, you put on some mascara, a plum lipstick, grabbed your denim bag, put your hair up into a banana clip, and walked back out into the living room. You were surprised to find Tatiana and Alex still on the couch, playing chess. 

“That’s checkmate,” Tatiana yelled victoriously, and Alex had his head in his hands.

“Aw Turner, not too good at chess, are you?” You giggled. When he looked up, a wide smile appeared across his face.

“That’s one hell of an outfit you’ve got on, Y/L/N. You may even be taller than me in those shoes. Looks like something out of a horror movie,” he chuckled, and stood up from the couch. “Time for us to go, then?”

You nodded and walked toward Tatiana to hug her good-bye. “Yep. Except we have to take the tube around, unless Tatiana wants to lend me the car,” you looked at your roommate with puppy dog eyes, praying she’d say yes. Her BMW Z4 was one of your favorite cars to drive, and any excuse to do so you were all over. 

“Oh, don’t be silly. I’ve got a perfectly good car that we can take on our day trip back at my place. We’ll just take the tube back to mine,” Alex said, and gave Tatiana a hug. “Farewell, Tati, thanks for completely destroying me in chess.”

“Anytime Alex, hope to see you again soon!” Tati chirped, and with that we were out the door

************

“This is a really nice place, Alex,” you gasped as you walked through the door of his apartment. It was one of the most beautiful spaces you’d ever seen, and it was obvious Alex lived here. There were massive bookshelves overflowing with books and records everywhere, convert and movie posters on the walls, and close to 20 guitars in different spots of the apartment.

“Oh it’s not much, I’m in the process of moving again since Alexa took her shit and left. I think I’m going to take a lot of this stuff back to Sheffield and then get a spot in LA to record the next Monkey’s album,” Alex mumbled. You could tell he didn’t like being here much. “I’m gonna go shower, feel free to pop a record onto the turntable over there or raid my fridge or whatever.” You smiled and nodded as Alex turned down the hall. You headed over to the shelf containing his vinyl, and browsed his collection for 10 or so minutes, just taking in the massive amount of music he owned, before settling on a Best Of Tom Petty album. Petty’s music reminded you a lot of home, it’d be the perfect music to get Alex into the mood for the day you had planned. You walked over to his record player, which was very nice and had an amazing speaker setup, before putting the disk onto the machine and adjusting the needle. When you pressed play, American Girl began blasting through the apartment. You smiled. How fitting. 

Moments later, Alex emerged from the dark hallway, wearing nothing but black skinny jeans.

“Where’s your shirt, silly?” you laughed over the music. Alex didn’t reply, though, he just started singing and grabbed your hand. He put his other hand on your waist, signaling he wanted to dance, and after you put your free hand on his shoulder the two of you started singing and dancing around the apartment. The music was so loud and you both were so distracted by dancing and singing and laughing that you hadn’t noticed the door open and a man walked in. 

“Well, well, well, what have we here?” The man said, and you and Alex both nearly jumped out of your skins. 

“Jesus, Miles, you’re gonna give me a heart attack,” Alex gasped, still clinging on to you for dear life. Miles was laughing so hard he struggled to breathe. When the three of you calmed down and caught your breath, Alex let go of you and went over to Miles. He gave Miles a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and Miles grabbed Alex’s ass. The embrace lasted a few seconds, and then they both turned to face you. 

“And who might you be?” Miles said in a cheesy, fake, posh accent.

“Miles, this is my friend Y/F/N. Y/N, this is Miles Kane, one of my closest mates.”

Miles flashed you a smile and shook your hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Y/N.” 

“As it is you, Miles.” You flashed a grin at Miles. He was quite charming, and you could tell that his personality complimented Alex’s well. 

“So, Alex,” Miles muttered. “What kind of friend is this Y/N?” 

Alex elbowed him in the side. “A friend friend. We’re going on some sort of ‘adventure’ today, but Y/N won’t tell me where we’re going.” 

You gave the boys a devilish smile. “Patience, Alex. If you’d go out a damn shirt and some shoes on, you’d find out sooner than later.” 

At this Alex chuckled and shook his head. “Fine. I’ll go get ready. Miles? Is there any specific reason you’re in my house?”

“Just dropped in to say hi. You go get yourself fixed up and I’ll keep your lady friend company.” Miles said and put an arm around your shoulder. Alex gave Miles a warning look as if to say ‘play nice’, and walked back down the hall toward his room.

“So, Y/N, care to dance? I didn’t mean interrupt your and Alex’s waltz,” Miles said, and put a hand out. You nodded your head and flashed him a toothy grin before putting yours into his and the two of you began doing a little tango.

Miles was a flashy dancer, he had spun you around and dipped you over and over again, the both of you laughing and singing. When Alex came back out he stood against the wall watching the two of you with a big grin plastered across his face. Miles and you danced through the entire album, and when the familiar sound of the needle hitting the end of the record sounded, Alex erupted into applause. 

“That was bloody amazing, you two!” He exclaimed. You and Miles took a bow, and then he hugged you. 

“You’re welcome to Alex’s any time I’m here, Y/N. You’re a brilliant dance partner.” Miles chirped, and you gave him a friendly kiss on the cheek.

“As are you, Miles,” you smiled and turned to Alex. “Ready to go, slow poke?” 

Alex nodded. “Miles, lock up when you leave, please? And don’t eat all of my leftovers!” 

As the two of you turned to walk out of the door, you heard Miles shout “No promises!” Alex rolled his eyes and shut the door behind you.

“So, how do I look?” Alex grinned, and did a little spin as to show off his outfit. He was sporting a Rolling Stones tee, his skinny jeans, and a pair of suede ankle boots. His hair was as long and unruly as always, and you had to refrain yourself from running your hands through it.

“You look fantastic Alex. Although I know something that would make your outfit absolutely perfect,” you smirked. He furrowed his brows in confusion, but you just turned around and started down the hallway of his apartment complex. “So where’s this car you were telling me about?”

Ares and Athena through the years - Ch.19

Chapter Nineteen: Homecoming party

.

Ares never would have dreamed, that his family would be so happy to see him, that they would throw such a huge party to celebrate his homecoming.

And never would he have dreamed, that he would be so happy to be here with all of his stuck-up relatives, that he would be glad to have them and their oh-so-civilised lifestyle again.

But here he was, among his loved ones after mortal centuries of being so far away.

He was in the arms of his little sisters and brother, surrounded by the sound of his half-siblings' laughter, their music and singing, the sweet and etheric scents of home, the sight of his smiling parents, the beauty of home.

And Aphrodite, his beloved Aphrodite, his life, heart and soul, tamer of his wrath, soother of his inner demons, mother of his dear divine children, and he was holding her in his arms, kissing her, smelling her tantalising scent, looking into her pink eyes, feeling her joyful tears seep through his chiton and thought that, right there and right now, he was the happiest god in the world and oh, how he loved her so!

Of course he had missed them all, but he hadn't known just how much, until now.

The happiness was so overwhelming that he almost started bawling in front of everyone. But his pride kept him from doing so, he had a reputation to uphold after all.

Instead he announced, that he had something to say.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked over to listen.

“I'll make it short”, he spoke. “When I left here, I was really eager to leave and glad to get away from y'all, because in the years before you'd been even more dickish than usual.”

There were a few agitated murmurs here and there and Hera glared at him. Ah, his mother dearest hadn't changed at all).

Ares ignored it and continued: “But you're my family and at the end of the day I love you all more than I hate you sometimes. Bein' away for a few months to cool off is one thing, but after spendin' several centuries away from Olympos, it's really a whole different experience to come home again. It was fun to travel the world, but still, it's good to be back. Guess there really is no place like home. Bottom line is, I missed you all. I'll soon be back to my usual business again, but for now I just wanna be happy to be home and that you're receivin' me so well. Never thought I'd see the day when you're all happy to see me – yeah, even you, Daddy's Owl! Don't think I didn't notice!”, he added playfully and everyone laughed.

Athena huffed and looked away.

Ares laughed, but decided not to tease her further for now.

“That's it!”, he closed his speech and threw his arms up. “Time to let the party commence!”

These words were met with cheers.

.

It really was the party of millennia, just like Dionysos had promised.

Everyone had fun, there was laughter, the food and drinks were even better than Ares remembered, he was the centre of attention in a positive way and he savoured it all, because today he could pretend that he wasn't one of the most unpopular deities in the pantheon.

Just for this night, they seemed like a normal rich family.

He was laughing, smiling and dancing with Aphrodite, Artemis and his mother, joking with Dionysos and Hermes and playfully bickering with Apollon and Hephaistos.

However, after he had danced with Aphrodite for the third time, he noticed that one goddess was sitting in a corner, moping and looking down.

“'Scuse me, love”, he told the love goddess and danced his way through the crowd to where Athena was sitting.

.

Athena groaned in frustration, when Ares came over and sat next to her.

“Oi, Daddy's Owl! What's with that's face? C'mon, I know you're not into this, but this is still a party! And you're sulkin' in a corner?”

She glared at him. “Well, maybe I want to sulk! Leave me be and go dance with Aphrodite or Artemis!”

“Aphrodite is dancin' with Dionysos”, Ares replied and pointed to where the goddess of love was dancing with the god of drag queens so wildly, that the other dancers kept a save distance.

“And Artemis with Hermes.” There was the huntress merrily dancing with the messenger.

“And I'm not gonna dance with my little brother, that's gay.”

“Hephaistos is paraplegic”, Athena pointed out.

Ares grinned: “So? That's never stopped Aglaia. Oh look, Dite's dancin' with him now!”

Indeed she was, pushing his wheelchair along to the rhythm, while Hephaistos was laughing and holding on to the arm rests.

“As you see, Daddy's Owl-”

“Stop calling me that!”

“Nah. As you see, everyone's hitched, so you're not gonna get rid of me for now.”

She groaned: “Oh for the love of Khaos, Ares! What part of 'leave me be' do you not understand?!”

Ares only rolled his eyes. “Come on, don't be like that! I just saw you being all depressed and stuff and I want to know what the matter is. Just tell me and I'll leave you alone! Now spill it, because hanging out with you isn't any less dull than it was forty Olympian years ago!”

“I see, you're still a tactless prick.”

“Owl, I haven't changed for many thousand years, so why would I now?”

Athena sighed: “Well, as humans say, hope dies last.”

“Cute. Still not going away.”

“If I tell you, will you really leave me alone?”

“Cross my heart.”

The war goddess rolled her eyes. “Alright, fine. I'm angry at myself. That incident with the Roman gods … I can't believe this happened! How could I have made a diplomatic blunder like that! Our pantheon got into trouble, because of my careless assumption that the Romans are like us and think the same way we do. I didn't even bother to fact check that assumption and with that I endangered us all. This is unforgivable. And the one to resolve the issue was you! You, of all the people! How? How did you, the god of terrible war and bloodshed, ace this situation and appease those foreigners, while I, the goddess of wisdom and good counsel made this fatal mistake?! How?!”

Ares smiled lopsidedly. “Well, what can I say? I can be really diplomatic if I wanna be. Remember what I told y'all forty Olympian years ago, during the Sack of Troy? Since I'm Dad's only legitimate son, that makes me the crown prince. And as such, I bear high responsibilities. I've been doin' his correspondence, ever since I grew to age. Dad would take me to international meetings to meet gods from other places, so I'd get to know them, learn how they roll – ya know, the works. I had to grow into it too, but I've had ten thousands of years to figure it all out. I just have that much practise. How long have you been doin' my paper work?”

Athena scratched the back of her neck. “Since shortly after you left. I offered father to help him with the paper work in exchange for a favour and he was all too happy to oblige.”

Ares chuckled: “Yeah, reckon he was. Bet he has forgotten just how much of his paper stuff I actually do, when I'm not bein' the black sheep of the family an' makin' mortals killin' each other for sports. Did he think you could handle it without so much as a briefing? I mean, don't get me wrong-”

“We both thought so”, Athena admitted quietly.

The older god shook his head. “Yeah, suspected as much. Sorry, Owl, but ya overestimated yerself there. Complaints an' revenge prayers of mortals an' minor gods to Zeus are easy to get rid of. International affairs are a whole different matter. As I told the Roman gods earlier, you're so introverted, ya don't talk to foreigners enough. If ya don't get out and meet people, you'll remain completely clueless about the rest of the world. These people don't think like we do. Trust me, no one knows that better than I. Happens more than often, that I make mistakes when I interact with foreigners people for the first time. I mean, you've read my letters from abroad. Cultural misunderstandings, losses in translation and what not.”

She didn't answer.

She was too busy grappling with the humiliation of getting a lecture on diplomacy from Ares of all gods.

The war god pat her shoulder in sympathy. “Hey now. Don't beat yourself up over it. Shit happens. Besides, how could you predict that the Romans would be offended over such a stupid little thing? It's as I told them, there was no way you could've known. Just give those duties back to me, now that I'm back. And maybe spend your free time hanging out with others more. Make some new friends, especially abroad. You always liked to learn new stuff, didn't ya? Trust me, it'll do ya a world of good. An' you know what? Let's forget, that I just gave you a talk on communication with outsiders too. We'll never speak of it again. Promise.”

Athena gave him a suspicious look. But his expression was genuine and so she nodded.

“Yes, for that I would be quite thankful indeed.”

Ares laughed: “Awesome! Hey, how about a dance?”

She stared at him. “I don't dance, Ares. Also, you promised you would leave me alone, after talking to you about my problem.”

The war god shrugged. “Guess I did. Still a shame though. Dancing is one of those things you gotta try out at least once. Oh well, suit yourself.”

Within a moment's notice he was back on the dance floor and dancing with his sister Hebe.

Athena stayed in her corner, albeit with her mood significantly improved.

A Note... and A Big Thank You

Gather ‘round, my friends.  This is going to be a long post, so please bear with me as I write all of this out.  I’d appreciate it if you would read until the end, if you’re interested.

It’s been a few weeks now, and I’ve had time to settle my thoughts and almost come to terms with what’s happened with the British Royal Family over the past month or so.  It was difficult for me in a very, very real way.  I don’t know The Duke and Duchess of Sussex or their son, and they will never know me, but I care for them in a way I can’t really describe.  I can only hope that you all know what the feeling is like, as lovers of royalty yourselves.  It’s hard enough to explain to people in the real world.  I’m glad I won’t have to explain to you that the feelings - of affection, of pride, and of disappointment - are very real, very tangible... even with respect to complete strangers who live thousands of miles away, working for a country in which you do not live, with privilege and a lifestyle you could only imagine... the feelings are very real.  

On January 8th, I was at work.  Typing away, doing my thing, more or less minding my own business.  I saw the Instagram notification - SussexRoyal made a post - and when I saw the little thumbnail image next to the notification of their engagement photocall, I literally thought oh my God, Meghan is pregnant.  I clicked that notification faster than I’ve clicked anything in my life.

As you all know, that’s not even close to what they were saying.  Ultimate high to ultimate low in a second flat.  I remember my stomach dropping.  And I remember the panic.  Or at least my sheer, unadulterated panic because let me tell you - I was panicking.  In a very real, heart pounding, head spinning, caps lock, oh my God no this isn’t happening way.  My Harry was leaving and taking with him some of the best parts of who he is - a wife and child we’ve only just gotten to know, with whom we’d already fallen so in love, after waiting so long for them to appear in his life - and I. was. panicking.

Once we had a few moments as a fandom to wrap our heads around the Sussexes’ proposal as outlined on SussexRoyal.com, to develop some semblance of understanding, the second bomb dropped - HM was unaware of their decision to go public.  Charles and William weren’t in on it, either.  The discussions were preliminary and were far from adequate enough for the public’s questioning and demanding gaze.  Harry did what Harry has always been prone to doing... he didn’t like the way things had to be, so he made his own rules.

It didn’t look good for my Harry, who I’ve always loved, always defended, even when the worst parts of his personality overshadowed the best.  And for the first time in all the years I’ve been following him, I had nothing to defend him with.  Nothing.  He was wrong in my eyes - plain as day, he was a stubborn, spoiled, petulant brat who didn’t get his way immediately, and retaliated.  He had his reasons, sure, and they were (and are) legitimate.  But I couldn’t find a single way to defend the way he went about making it happen.  And let me tell you guys - that was not easy for me to wrap my head around.  I’d always found room in my thoughts to understand Harry’s relatively infrequent grand lapses of judgment.  This time, I had nothing.  My Harry was wrong.  Wrong.

Not only was he wrong, but he seemed so lost, so desperate to get out.  It was absolutely heartbreaking imagining my Harry - my strong, cheery, dedicated Harry - feeling so desperate for the sake of the safety of his wife and child that he went to this extreme.  Abandoning the only life he’d ever know for a chance at peace.  The only reason for such a move was sheer desperation.  As infuriating as it was... it was equivalently, if not more, heartbreaking.  He sought peace in the only way he thought he could, blindly fearful of the same forces that took his mother, now coming for his wife and son, clawing his way out so he could finally rest... heartbreaking.  I don’t know this about him, but just imagining it was enough for me to feel sick to my stomach.  My poor Harry.  My poor, stubborn Harry.  

Within minutes, this place was at absolute war.  A war that has been building for several years finally hit its breaking point.  I saw people turn on each other, turn on the royals, change their points of view.  I saw language I’ve never seen in all of my years here.  The blame game, finger pointing, complete dissolution of real relationships, friendships breaking, two factions violently clashing with every new piece of information released... it was awful.  It was like a train wreck, or a dumpster fire.  I’ve seen a lot happen in this fandom over the past six years, but I’ve never seen anything like January 8th.  Never.  I couldn’t sit around and watch it happen but I couldn’t bring myself to leave.  I had to be involved for the sake of this blog and for the sake of William, Kate, Harry, Meghan, the kids, and the rest of the British Royal Family, but I hated my involvement.  It was an awful feeling.  Combined with how awful I was feeling already about the idea of the split alone... I felt terrible for days.  Weeks, even.  Even now, just thinking about it, seeing photos of Harry and Meghan plastered all over every media source... even seeing William and Kate out and about, still doing their royal duties... I still feel absolutely awful about the whole thing.  Lost, and sad, and lonely... just awful.

I was losing and gaining followers every minute.  Some people I thought were friends vanished in the blink of an eye, because they didn’t like what I had to say.  Some - violently so.  My inbox and messages blew up - some agreeing with me, more screaming at me, and even more asking what the hell was going on.  It’s been more than four weeks, and I still haven’t gotten through even a third of the messages.  My head was spinning in the worst way, and I couldn’t shake it.  I couldn’t believe it.  All of these years of loving my Harry, waiting for him to find his partner, watching him find her, fall in love with her, propose to her, bring her into this unique world of his... traveling 3,500 miles to see the wedding in person, falling in love with Meghan for the simple reason that he loved her, crying for their pregnancy, and falling in love with the bump that became Bubba that became Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor... just for it to all get ripped out from under my feet not two years later.  I didn’t know what to do.  I couldn’t handle it.  I was heartbroken and completely blindsided and lost and so, so immeasurably sad.  I didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t know what to do.

People were coming at me in droves, mocking my longtime defense of the Cambridges and my omnipresent denial of the feud.  Screaming about William, about how I’m awful for caring for him and his family after what he’s done to his only brother... screaming about the Royal Family and how I’m terrible for loving them despite what they did to Harry and Meghan... telling me to go focus on my “perfect” future King/Queen and leave the Sussexes out of my life, calling me the worst names for having the audacity to open my heart to more than Harry/Meghan/Archie... and worse.  Much, much worse.  My inbox was absolutely atrocious after this whole thing first happened.  A lot of the messages have been since deleted, but just reading them once was more than enough for me.  

I was so ashamed, knowing that this place that I often love so much has eroded to this.  Violence, cruelty, arguing, slinging real insults, cursing the existence of some of my favorite people on the planet, cursing each other... it was so awful.  So awful.  There are no words to describe how it felt for me - a William girl, a Kate girl, a Harry girl, and a Meghan girl, through and through - to be a part of this fandom during these past few weeks.  But mostly, it was absolutely, heartbreakingly awful.  I’m strong enough to know that this stuff doesn’t matter, not really... but it does, in its own way.  It does.

When the split was finalized with a quick, heartfelt, and ultimately quite succinct message from The Queen, I genuinely cried.  Real tears, real heartbreak.  That was it - the end of something many of us waited years and years for, gone after not even two.  Never in my wildest dreams did I even entertain such an idea.  The end of six years of following my Harry... done.  Harry was one of the highlights of my day for so long and now... that’s it.  It’s over.  I was not ready for it, not even remotely prepared for even the idea of it (a split never once even crossed my mind as a possibility to begin with), and now... it’s over.  And it hurts now, just as it did on January 8th and every day of every announcement since then.  It hurts, in a very real way.  It hurts.  And Harry’s last speech sealed the deal.  In ten minutes, he seemed to confirm the sheer desperation with which he acted.  He reminded the world of his reasons for doing what he did - ultimately, to protect that which he holds most dear.  He promised that he wasn’t bailing, but he couldn’t live this way anymore... I’ll admit, I bawled while I was reading it.  I still haven’t listened to the audio; I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.  It broke me completely.  Shattered me.  My Harry, the light of my life, broke my heart that day and I honestly believe things will never be the same for me with him.  I’m heartbroken.  Truly, honestly, even after all of these weeks... utterly heartbroken.

I’ve been called extra, dramatic, pathetic... both here and in my real life.  I can live with that; that doesn’t bother me.  The feelings are real.  The pride, the disappointment, the heartbreak, the panic, the fury, the excitement, the joy... even though we don’t know these royals, the feelings are real.  I’ll go to my grave saying that.  Most of you guys understand that, I know you do.  Dramatic?  Maybe.  But the way I felt, and feel, about this situation is very, very, agonizingly real.

I’m not sure if it’s apparent, but I’ve taken a bit of a break around here since the last statement dropped.  I’ve been online, sure - occasionally reblogging, chatting, liking, commenting, and whatnot - but I haven’t been nearly as active as I tend to be.  There’s a big hole in this place that the Sussexes left behind when they split from the Royal Family and it’s taken some adjusting for me to grow accustomed to their absence on my dashboard.  I love William and Kate with my whole heart, you guys know that, but there’s just something missing right now.  A little bit of spark, a little bit of my Harry magic is missing, and his absence from my day-to-day blogging dims the allure of this place significantly for me.

I’m still not sure what’s going to happen with this blog.  A blog called Harry-Sussex is hard to keep up if there’s no more Harry Sussex to follow, you know?  I’m not sure how to cover Their Royal Highnesses the future King and Queen alongside Mr. and Mrs. Sussex, regular people.  This blog has been and always will be about royalty... what do you do when half of the royals you cover and care about decide they don’t want to be royal anymore?

I’ve been here for almost six years and I don’t really want to leave just yet.  I think there’s a lot left to see, a lot left to say.  I always wanted to stick around as long as I could, until William’s investiture as Prince of Wales at the very least, but the Sussex split has made that idea much less appealing.  Maybe it’d be easier to follow these people I love so much from afar, instead of so closely.  Maybe I could return to the blissful ignorance of the days before I had this blog, when I got excited over outfits and babies and tiaras instead of getting frustrated over finances and security and engagements.  I’m not sure.  What I do know is that this isn’t as fun for me as it used to be, and truly, I never thought I’d say that.  But in all honesty, this... this has been different.  Way different than anything in my wildest dreams. 

I’m not leaving - please don’t mistake that.  I’m not leaving, not yet, but I just want you all to know that my heart truly isn’t in this right now, and I want you to understand why.  The Sussexes took most of it with them, and whatever’s left has been completely shattered by the way this fandom, this place turned on itself and absolutely imploded... destruction, violence, and cruelty, shattering it from the inside out.  This place is fractured, it is damaged, perhaps irreparably.  And it is very, very real.  It may be an online space, but behind each blog is a real person with real feelings towards these very real royals, and the words one says and actions in which one partakes can have very real consequences.  

That being said... the consequences do not always have to be negative.  There are some truly wonderful people involved in this fandom, without whom I’m not sure how I would have made it through.  It was hard, it still is hard, navigating this new “blog normal.”  

There are quite a few people that I have met or interacted with over the years, and particularly since the split, who have made navigating this new normal much easier.  It was so hard, I was so upset that I cannot adequately vocalize the feeling... but there are some people who went out of their way to cheer me up, however inadvertently.  Through a quick message, chatting, sheer knowledge, or just making me laugh... I really struggled with this place for a bit.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to bow out or not.  I wasn’t sure if I could handle the malice, the negativity from the fandom compounded with missing Harry and Meghan more than I could stand.  

I’m not, at least not now, and I truly believe I owe that to these people.  In the weeks between the first statement and the last, the worst parts of this place were on full display for the world - and me - to see.  I almost let it get to me; I almost let it win.  The best parts, though - nearly overcome by the sheer magnitude of what was happening - revealed themselves to me in a time when I really, really needed it.  My feelings regarding the split were tangible.  The help these wonderful people provided to me was equivalently real, equivalently tangible.

So, with that, I’d like to name and thank more than a few people publicly who really, really made this place a place worth staying in during and in the immediate aftermath of the Sussex split:

@acaffeinateduniverse​ - Someone I’ve never spoken to before the split.  You saw my posts about how heartbroken I was and sent me the absolute sweetest message, understanding and empathizing and generally just being very, very sweet.  For worrying, and for understanding the reality of these feelings.  You are a surprise bright spot in a place that can so often be dark and the world is better because you are in it.  I’m so sorry that you’re equivalently upset by this new arrangement, but we will make it through together.  You’re an absolute angel, thank you for being you.

@avidroyalfan​ - We’ve been through a lot on this website together, haven’t we, Debby?  Thank you for always bringing it back down to Earth and for always coming out swinging - especially when anons are involved.  For always caring about what I have to say.  Sometimes I feel like I’m screaming into the void, but never if you’re around.  Seeing your name always brightens my day.  Thank you.

@cambridgemadness - We have almost nothing in common from a royal-watching standpoint and yet you took time out of your day to message me in the peak of this mess.  We don’t even follow each other but you saw what was going on and put aside our differences and dissimilar preferences to reach out a hand.  This place needs more of that.  The problem here isn’t dissenting opinions; it’s the malice often associated with finding out someone feels differently than you do.  You never did that - not with me - and I really appreciate it more than I can put into words.  Thank you, Vanessa, for reaching out to a complete stranger so kindly.  Seriously.  Thank you.

@catherineandmeghans​ - What can I possibly say, Rach?  We’ve been through a lot together over the years and there’s nobody out there who handles the ins and outs of this hellhole better than you do.  For always being a bright spot in anyone’s day and for always speaking with understanding, level-headedness, and a (figurative) smile.  For knowing when to take a step back.  You are an angel.

@claireofluxembourg​ - It’s a rare thing when someone is a fan and a critic of the same royal, given the development and preeminence of stan culture - especially in this fandom.  For not letting your love of Henry cloud your judgment.  For always being hilarious (hello, Henry’s bald spot) and for always, always owning your shit.  For never being afraid to speak your mind.  For reaching out and understanding (even when I’m being dramatic) and for everything.  You know, friend.  You know.  I love you so much ♡

@crownprincesses​ - For a rational brain, the sweetest disposition, and equal-opportunity-representation of everyone’s favorite royals.  For understanding what was happening and responding so calmly.  For never letting it get to you.  I could learn a thing or two about that from you, Chiara.  Thank you for it.

@defend-mm​ - For your passion, dedication, and availability.  For your involvement.  For the regular positivity in my notifications that I regretfully have taken for granted in the past.  For your openness and enthusiasm and eagerness to defend.  For your engagement with the broader community.  We should all enjoy passion and excitement the way you do.

@duchessofostergotlands​ - The Queen herself.  For knowing everything and never balking at sharing your knowledge.  For being the most rational and thorough person I know.  For level-headed understanding and never, ever judging - even and especially when I deserve it.  For your openness and willingness to talk.  For never letting your preferences get in the way of what others are feeling.  For your understanding and patience.  For RuPawl.  I could go on, but I think you know.  Thank you, Jessica.

@gloriousglorianas​ - One of the most level-headed people I know.  Cece, I don’t know where this place would be without your calm, forgiving, and rational insight, but I’m glad I’ll never have to know.  You are a steadfast pillar of rationality mixed with a heavy dose of excitement and passion and I appreciate it so much.  Thank you for reaching out as kindly as you have and thank you for sticking through the mess and coming out stronger on the other side.  For your nuanced understanding of anything and everything.  

@grandmotherofeurope​ - Thank you for understanding, for loving him and knowing the heartbreak that came with the split.  You reached out - again, without knowing me from a hole in the wall - without judging and with understanding and compassion and I’m forever grateful for it.  I’m truly so, so sorry that you’re so hurt by what’s happened.  I sympathize, and I understand.  You’ll get through it, I promise.  Thank you for being so sweet.

@harryandmeghansussex​ - My best girl.  Becky, I don’t know how we made it through, but we did.  It’s going to be an adjustment but if anyone’s going to be alright, it’s you.  Harry and Meghan would be thrilled to know they have someone like you out there in their corner.  These days, they need it.  For the positivity, all of the challenges, and never letting the negativity get through.  For the updates and the pictures and always keeping me (and everyone else) in the loop.  I wouldn’t have known anything about the Sussexes beyond what was posted on Instagram without you.  Thank you for keeping on top of it when the rest of us can’t.  For understanding and valuing my points of view without bailing on a friendship because we differ.  Another valuable commodity, a true rarity around here.  Thank you.

@hollylite - The very first person to reach out when I was in the middle of having a nervous breakdown.  Thank you for your consistent reassurances, your sweet demeanor, and for your understanding.  Our conversation reminds me of the very best this place has to offer; you are most certainly a part of that.  Thank you.

@hrhatbat​ - Morgan...  Morgan Morgan Morgan.  I swear you’re like a Texas-living, design-savvy, stylist clone of myself.  We have so much in common it literally scares me, but I love it.  Thank you for keeping things bright and airy around here.  It felt so dark for a few weeks, but you never let that get to you or through you, and you never let it get past you to everyone else.  Thanks for never judging and always having something else to talk about.  

@lizisaroyalist​ - You know how much I adore you, but it needs to be in writing.  For always making me laugh and for always coming out swinging.  For the best insults (”cold slice of ham”) and for never taking yourself (or anyone else) too seriously.  For always being in my corner.  For laughing at the ridiculous messages I get, especially now.  I could go on for hours.  There aren’t enough words, but I think you know.  Thank you for being you, Liz.  I love you so so so much ♡  It’s come to my attention that you’ve chosen to leave since I started writing this, which is okay.  We’ll be here if you ever want to come back.  I hope you see this.  You deserve to know how wonderful you are and how thankful I am for your friendship.

@lorising​ - Lo.  What can I say that hasn’t already been said about you?  For the love, the positivity, and the understanding.  For defending anyone and everyone - royal or not.  For the laughter, and the incredibly unique and invaluable optimism and enthusiasm.  For reaching out with a hug and for being so warm and inviting to anyone and everyone.  For your “infinite support.”  We could all learn a thing or two from you.  

@meghanscatherines​ - For being so willing to start new communities within this larger community.  For your positivity and optimism.  For being as sweet as pie.  For understanding, empathizing, and being so compassionate.  You’re a sweetheart, Bia.  Thank you.

@middletonmarkle​ - The sweetest girl.  Mackinley, seeing you in my notifications and on my dashboard always puts a smile on my face.  For bringing me back down to earth with the smallest, sweetest comment.  It’s the little things.  Also, for being on the “William is attractive as all hell” train.  I respect that - you know I do.

@mrmrswales​ - Our resident genius.  I have no idea how someone like me and someone like you get along so well, but I’m thankful that we do.  For always being willing to share your information.  For the sheer breadth of knowledge and expertise you bring to the table.  For being willing to have a conversation, even when that conversation involves someone you categorically cannot stand.  For your drive, ambition, your attitude, and for always playing the Devil’s advocate.  I wouldn’t know half of the things I do without you.  May we all love and appreciate and take pride in our favorites the way you do yours.

@princeh3nry​ - The other fandom OG Harry girl.  For understanding what it’s like to love him and for understanding what it’s like to love the rest of them, too.  For never letting the atmosphere cloud your judgment.  For years of Harry content.  For (inadvertently) dragging me into the mess that is following Prince Harry all those years ago.  For a nuanced and established point of view.  Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one still in this thing for Harry.  Thank you for making me feel a lot less alone - especially now.

@princessanneftw​ - A seriously underrated person around here who never gets involved in the drama (and who seriously makes me laugh with every post).  Thank you so much for reaching out when I was about to lose my mind.  I know I haven’t answered your message (I’m terrible at that, notoriously) but I do go back and read it over and over when I get overwhelmed with this situation, which, even now, weeks later, is still quite often.  It was so sweet and I am so grateful that you took the time to write it.  You are an angel.  You always crack me up - seriously, all the time - and that’s such a valuable commodity in this community.  Thank you for your kindness and for your sense of humor.  

@princesscatherinemiddleton​ - Our resident positivity guru, Duchess of Cambridge extraordinaire, fashion Queen.  Grace, every community - online or not - deserves a person like you.  From making it your personal mission to spread positivity among the darkness, to your calculated and fervent dedication to The Duchess of Cambridge, to welcoming The Duchess of Sussex with open arms... I don’t know what to say.  It takes a special kind of person to willingly do what you do around here.  I hope you never leave - we could use someone like you.  Thank you for doing what you do and for reaching out directly.  For understanding the bigger picture.  So much love to you, my friend.

@queensonjas​ - I feel like you always understand what I’m trying to say even if it makes zero sense.  Thank you for making me feel like a little bit less of a lunatic.  Thank you for always including anyone and everyone.  This place can be so ostracizing - thank you for never letting that happen, especially during this mess.  I appreciate it more than I can say.

@riffraffrouge​ - I intentionally left this one last to write because I didn’t know how to put it into words, but I’ll try.  Melissa, if I am grateful for anything that came from this disaster of a place, it’s you and your friendship.  I had no idea that anyone on Earth loved both the Yankees and the Duchess of Cambridge the way I do... let alone someone who lives less than an hour away.  When I made this blog six years ago, I didn’t think I’d get anything in my real life out of it.  Fortunately, I was wrong.  Thank you for everything you are and everything you do.  For your kindness and for reaching out to anyone and everyone who needs a friend.  For your enthusiasm (in everything) and for your willingness to speak, engage, learn, and teach.  For freaking out with me when we signed Gerrit Cole and Brett Gardner.  For laughing at the future of the Houston Astros and the Boston Red Sox.  For never, ever, ever judging, especially for my hysterics during the split.  Generally, for being the sweetest person on the face of the planet.  There are no words, but I think (hope) you know.  I’m so thankful that you’re you.  Let’s get brunch again soon.  I love you so so so so so much  ♡

@rosegirl1416 - Another person I’ve never spoken to until the split.  Your comments have not gone unnoticed, dear.  Thank you for your patience and understanding.  For your positivity and for the light you bring to this community.  I’ll never forget your reply to one of my posts, telling me to breathe and take my time with getting back to everyone when I was in the middle of an outright breakdown.  I needed to hear it.  I really appreciate your kindness and generosity and humanity.  This place lacks that kind of substance a lot of the time, but you don’t. 

@will-make-more-mistakes-tomorrow​ - Your presence has not gone unnoticed, my friend.  I see you day in and day out and I appreciate you so much.  Thank you for your involvement, your generosity, your interest.  It is rare to feel so seen and heard but you make it effortless.  We all need someone like you in our corner.  Thank you.

--------------------

I’m not sure when my activity level will pick back up again.  Writing this whole thing over the past week has been extremely therapeutic, so maybe it’ll be sooner rather than later.  I know I have a ton of unanswered messages, both in my inbox and in my personal messages.  I know I owe answers, especially to many of you tagged above, and I promise they will come.  I’m still feeling so overwhelmed with this place and with the new status quo of following and loving the British Royal Family.  I’m still furious at the situation and I’m still so, so, so damn sad.  

I still care for them, and I always will, but the allure and luster of following the royals has dulled significantly for me now that half the people I care about aren’t working for the family anymore.  I’ve tried to get into other families, other royals, and I just can’t.  It’s William, Kate, Harry, and Meghan for me, is and will always be.  With half of them on the other side of the globe... what else am I supposed to do, you know?  How do I keep this thing going?  I’m not sure, but right now, the hole is just too big for me to actively work through it.  Maybe the weight will lessen as the new norm becomes old news, but for now... the absence is just too big.  It still hurts too much.  I can’t bring myself to get excited over the future for them right now because it just hurts way too much.  Ultimately, I’m happy for them, but I’m not happy about it.  I’m not excited to see what the future holds because it isn’t what it used to be.  I still adore them both, but right now, the excitement that many Sussex fans are feeling about the prospect of future projects is foreign to me.  I hope that changes, but for now... I’m just not into it anymore.  I’m just not.  Not the way I used to be.  It breaks my heart, but it’s the truth.  It just doesn’t hold the same magic for me anymore.

What was the point of me writing this mammoth essay?  A few reasons, I guess.  I first wanted to acknowledge my comparatively lackluster activity since the final statement was released.  I wanted to acknowledge that I know I owe many of you answers, and I wanted to promise that they are coming - because they are.  I wanted to acknowledge specifically the people who reached out to me during the events and days leading up to the final statement when I made it loud and clear that I was not coping well.  I wanted to be perfectly honest about what I’ve been feeling, about the heartbreak and disappointment and feeling lost and alone.  I wanted to recognize my reasons for taking a step back and the reasons for my diminishing interest in covering the royals... despite the fact that I’d never thought that day would come.

Mostly, though, I wanted to acknowledge the completely toxic culture that is associated with this fandom.  Many people have written pieces about how our little niche of the Internet is the worst one to be in, and on January 8th, for the first time, I really felt it.  The way people treated each other was not right.  Period.  We’re all culprits, but most people make an effort.  Some people do not, and it infiltrates the entire place.  There are real people with real feelings - yes, even about these royals that we do not and never will know - behind these blogs.  If you’re not thinking about how what you’re writing would come off if you were saying it out loud instead, then you’re not doing it right.  We can differ without being cruel.  We can have a conversation without slinging accusations.  We can be civil in the face of differences.  The mute, block, and blacklist functions are there for a reason.  Use them.  If you don’t like what someone has to say, then make sure it can’t come across your dashboard.  If you’re going to react, do it fairly.  Things are difficult enough in this world without having a space that’s supposed to be fun and interesting become a dark cloud over your day.  If this isn’t fun for you anymore, then maybe think about why.  And do whatever you can to change it.  This is your space.  You and you alone have to make sure that it stays positive, or else it won’t.

I’ve unfollowed 16 blogs since the split.  97 to 81.  My blocked list is double that.  I’m not thrilled about it, but this needs to be about me, just like your space has to be about you.  I truly believe that’s the only way to keep this fun for everyone.  This isn’t enormously fun for me anymore, but it doesn’t need to be that way for everyone.  If you don’t like reading something, make sure you can’t read it.  It’s really that simple.  

Anyway... I’m sorry for the long post.  I really am.  If you’ve stuck around this long, then I seriously applaud you.  Thank you for caring about what I have to say and the way I’ve been feeling.  It really helped to get this all out in writing.  I’m hoping I’ll be back to normal soon.  I love you guys, you know that.  I really do.  And I love them still - aggravating as they may be.  I’m hoping this feeling doesn’t last forever, because I’m not done here just yet.  I’m not ready to throw in the towel on six years.  But it might be a little bit before things go back to normal around here for me.  Thank you for understanding, and thank you for caring about them, and about me.  I love you guys endlessly ♡

For the Love of Dogs - Chris Evans x You

Summary:  You’re spending time at your local dog park with your rescue dog when you run into a certain Captain

Pairing:  Chris Evans x Reader

Word Count:  1946

Warnings:  None, fluffy, slight language

A/N:  Beta by @whiskey-cokenfanfic, thank you! 😘

@mycapt-ohcapt sent me a prompt of my doggy meeting Dodger a little while ago when I was hitting the wall with ideas. Inspiration hit me, so I changed it up slightly, and wrote this for you to celebrate your day today. Happy birthday darling! ❤️😘

--------------------

It was yours and Frankie’s first trip to your local dog park. It had always been a dream of yours to have a dog of you own, so when you visited a pet event show and clapped your eyes on the beautiful brindle Greyhound, your dream came true. You had spent a lot of time over the last few months researching the breed and speaking with experts, so you knew a Greyhound would fit perfectly into your busy life. As soon as you looked into Frankie’s chocolate brown eyes, you instantly fell in love and quickly signed the adoption papers before he was snapped up by someone else. That was 4 days ago.

Walking through the gate on a beautiful Spring morning, you made sure it was securely closed before removing Frankie’s leash. You had the park to yourselves, so you enjoyed a leisurely game of fetch with the tennis ball you brought with you. After a while, Frankie decided he was more interested in sniffing out all the plants and bushes which lined the paths around the large park. Taking this opportunity, you sat down on a bench nearby, pulled out your phone, and caught up with the world.

Preoccupied by the group chat with your girls, you didn’t hear the gate open as another eager hound entered the park with his owner. Just as you started to type out a response to one of your friends dating disasters, a brown and white dog jumped up into your lap, placing his paws on your thighs as he excitedly pushed his wet nose into your face, licking you with a wagging tail.

“DODGER!!”

The loud voice, of what you assumed was your new furry friends owner, echoed through the park. Looking up, you could see a dark haired, bearded, tall man, stride quickly towards you scolding at his dog, “Dodger! C’mon boy, get down!”

Giggling at the affection, you awkwardly secured your cell in your pocket and moved a hand towards his nose so he could give you a good sniff.

“Hello mister, well aren’t you an adorable boy.”

Now that both your hands were free, you ran your fingers through the soft, long fur of Dodgers neck, tickling him behind his ears.

“Awww yes you are! Who's a good boy, huh? Who’s a good boy?!” Your usually soft, quiet voice increased in pitch as you cooed over the pooch, showering him with love.

The man soon approached you and interrupted your petting with a deep chuckle. His arms were crossed, a broad smile on his face, “Shall I leave you guys to it, or..?” The amused, teasing tone in his voice didn’t go amiss.

Feeling embarrassed, you tucked a lock of hair behind your ear and apologised to the man with a small smile.

Dodger was still in your lap, so his owner grabbed his collar and pulled him off you. That’s when you realised your light wash denim jeans now sported mud shaped paw prints, and your pale pink cami was covered in dark patches, thanks to the slobber caused by the ginger hound.

“Oh God, I’m so sorry!” The attractive man turned towards his dog, giving him the side eye, ”he’s normally got much better manners than this!”

Shrugging your shoulders, you waved off his apology. “It’s fine, honestly.”

Not quite forgiving Dodger just yet, he glanced back at your ruined clothes, and proceeded to tell the poor mutt off.

While the handsome man was giving his dog a lecture on how to be polite, you looked him over. His dark hair was soft and fluffy, easily styled with a natural look. His eyes were covered by a dark pair of sunglasses, and a neatly trimmed beard covered the bottom half of his face, while his pink, plump lips looked juicy enough to bite. He was wearing a dark pair of jeans, coupled with an unzipped navy blue bomber jacket, meaning you had a perfect view of the white cotton tee he was wearing underneath, which did little to cover his impressive chest. You could see a dark shadow over his clavicle area, and wondered if he was hiding some ink. Before you could ogle some more, Frankie wandered over to see what all the commotion was.

“And who is this curious fella?”

Looking down at your brindle beauty, you replied, “This is Frankie. He’s only been with me for a few days, but he just fitted right in, haven’t ya bud?”

“Well it’s lovely to meet you both, I’m Chris, and as you probably figured with my not so manly screaming, this dumbo is Dodger,” he showed Frankie his right fist in greeting, while petting his head with his left hand.

Chuckling at his humour, you also introduced yourself, as your two fur babies sniffed at each others butts, getting themselves acquainted with one another. Suddenly, Dodger gave a quick bark before he threw his front legs down flat against the ground with his butt up high in the air. His tail was wagging rapidly in excitement and he pounced towards Frankie wanting to play. You and Chris laughed as you watched them run off across the park.

Taking a seat on the bench, Chris turned towards you, “So you recently adopted Frankie?”

“Yes, he’s my gentle giant. I’ve always wanted my own Greyhound, especially an ex racer. They’re such laid back dogs, and a professional couch potatoes!” Sharing a laugh, you continued. “Growing up, we always had a dog in the family home but when I flew the nest, and rented my own apartment, pets weren’t allowed in the building. For the last few years I’ve been saving up for a deposit and eventually, with a little help from my grandpa, I managed to afford my own house.”

You glanced Chris’s way, “It’s been a long wait, but I could finally have the Greyhound I’d always wished for. He fits into my lifestyle perfectly.”

Chris sent you a genuine smile, “Well I’m glad he found you. Too many dogs are left waiting for homes, and I’m happy he found a perfect one with you.”

Heat filled your cheeks with a rosy pink blush, instantly feeling shy, “Thank you.” Turning in your seat towards him slightly, you asked, “What about Dodger? Was he a rescue?”

“Yeah, he’s been with me a few years now. I met him while I was working in an animal shelter. As soon as I saw him, I knew he didn’t belong there . I mean look at him, he’s just so full of life.” He gazed out across the dog park, a tender look on his face.

A comfortable silence filled the air, you followed his eyes and beamed as your fur babies made friends, sniffing at all the blossoming flowers. All of a sudden, Frankie leaped forward into a full gallop, sprinting off around the park. Not wanting to miss out on the fun, Dodger quickly gave chase trying to outrun him, but failed. Frankie’s long legs, flexible spine and muscular build was no match for the energetic pup, but it was certainly amusing watching the two of them.

Chris thought so too. His hysterical laughter filled your ears as he got very animated, leaning back and slapping a hand across his chest. Tears brimmed his eyes, so he pulled off his sunglasses to wipe his eyes. Your breath hitched in your throat when you realised who he was.

It was only yesterday you watched Marvel's latest blockbuster, Endgame, and now you were sat on a bench, in a random dog park in Massachusetts, with one of the biggest and most talked about stars of the moment. Your girls would not believe this.

Trying to keep your composure, you asked if he was okay while you tried to not freak out.

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just so good to see Dodge happy and making friends.” Chris watched on with a fond smile, like a proud father, a tinge of regret in his voice.

Finding the courage to speak up, you sassed, “Does he not have many friends then?”

“Oh haha, very funny. He has plenty of friends thank you very much!”, he playfully pointed a finger towards you, while shaking his head.

Wrinkling your nose, you sarcastically said, “Sure..”

Chris jokingly rolled his eyes as he ran his left hand through his hair. “We’ve been across the Country for most of the year so he hasn’t really had chance to get to know the locals, ya know?” He leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees as he continued, “Sometimes my work is pretty full on and I don’t spend long enough in one place for him to enjoy the doggy life with a playmate. It’s gotta be hard on him, makes me feel guilty, y’know?”

“Don’t worry, you don’t have to explain yourself to me...Captain.”

Chris quickly looked up at you with wide eyes, a shocked expression etched across his face. You snickered at him, overjoyed at your quip.

“So, I guess the cats outta the bag then?” he silently chuckled.

Nodding your head, you confirmed his suspicions with a wink, “Uh huh. Nice disguise though.”

He snorted a small thanks before the dogs made their way back over towards you both on the bench. They were both exhausted from their run with their tongues hanging out of the side of their mouths, panting excessively.

“Well it looks like he’s found a fellow sidekick now.” You noted while giggling at the sight of the two of them.

Chris joined in with your laughter, before he made a suggestion, “I’ve got the rest of the summer off, so we’ll be spending a lot more time in this park. Maybe you and Frankie would like to join us sometime? Y’know, so they can bond.”

Stunned at his proposition you were speechless, staring at him with your mouth open, unsure if you heard him correctly.

“So, what do you say?”

Still in a daze, you tried to utter out a confident response, “Oh, um, ye-yeah.”

Chris looked delighted, happy you agreed to his proposal. He turned towards you with a sheepish smile, “Look, I am really sorry about ruining your clothes. Please let me cover the dry cleaning costs, it’s the least I can do.”

Waving a dismissive hand his way, you replied, “Please, it’s not a problem. These things happen. It’s nothing a quick wash at home won’t fix.”

Not accepting your forgiveness that easily, Chris pressed on, “At least let me buy you a coffee?”

You looked down at your watch noticing the time, “Oh thank you for the offer, but I’m not sure. It’s getting late and I haven’t had lunch yet.”

Seeing the hesitation in your eyes, he persevered, “Go on, you know you want to, I’ll even buy you a cookie.” He nudged your side with his elbow playfully, “Plus these dogs need a drink, just look at them!”

Not playing fair, he jested, “Surely you don’t want to upset Frankie by leaving when he and Dodge have just become best friends!”

“Best friends? Really?!” You stifled a laugh and looked between the two dogs. They sure did look happy. “Wow, you’re persistent aren’t you?!” His smug smile answered your question.

Just as you were mulling over his coffee invitation, that bastard had to pull out the big guns didn’t he? He raised his right eyebrow, giving you the puppy dog eyes.

Feeling defeated, you sighed waving a hand towards him, “God, how can I say no to that face!”

Chris’s boisterous howl echoed through the park, as he stood up, holding a hand out towards you, “C’mon, let's go grab that coffee.”

--------------------

Thank you all for reading! Please reblog and comment, it’s very important to all writers on here. Please send me a message if you would like to added/removed to the tag list.

Tag List: @mycapt-ohcapt @princess-evans-addict @gigglegirl77 @coffeebooksandfandom @the-sunshine-in-the-dark @loricameback @c-a-v-a-l-r-y @whiskey-cokenfanfic @winters-buck @anavengerstale @jbug491 @thinkxlovexloud @patzammit

Two are Better, But Three are Best - Chapter Four

Also on AO3

<<< Previous Chapter

There’s no on screen sex but the first scene clearly follows sexytimes. There’s also some talk of sexual history and past experiences.

⁂

Strategies and Best Laid Plans

The drag of Luka's fingertips over her skin spoke of love. The way he marveled over every part of her made the depth of his feelings clear. The breathy huskiness of his voice each time he spoke the words, "may I?" left her feeling treasured and safe. His insistence that she come first in all things only fueled her desire and affection for him.

Apparently it hadn't just been dirty-talk when he told her he wanted to narrow her awareness solely to him. Among her past lovers, none had ever approached sex with this mindset and goal, and she now had to admit, she was a fan.

As she lay with him, utterly relaxed, in hazy afterglow, she could only smile.

"C'mon Sweets," he murmured in her ear. "You need to use the bathroom before you fall asleep."

She let out an inarticulate grumble.

His soft chuckle gave her goosebumps. "You're beautiful like this, Nette." He brushed his nose against her ear and cheek. "I don't think I've ever seen you so relaxed."

"I'm not sure I've ever been this relaxed." Her eyes fluttered open, and she was struck with how pleased he looked. "You look like the cat who ate the canary."

His grin turned smug. "Ate something, that's fur sure."

She giggled and swatted lightly at his shoulder. "You naughty man." She ran her fingers down his bare arm, marveling at the smooth warmth. "God, you're sexy. You could give Adrien a run for his money on the modeling front."

Luka snorted. "No interest in that."

She felt the idea hit her, filling her with energy, and she grinned in delight. "But you'll model for me, right? You'll let me design you clothes for performances and events, right?"

His eyes went wide. "Me, in Dupain-Cheng originals? That'd be a dream come true."

⁂

She pushed their laden breakfast plates onto the counter that divided the living room from the kitchen. His tiny apartment was actually really well designed to make the most of the space. With a couple of stools, he could fit two people on either side of the counter, which meant he didn't need to set aside space or money for a table. His arms slipped around her waist from behind, and she smiled, relaxing into his hold.

"Hmm," he hummed as he kissed her cheek, resting his head on her shoulder. "Did I already tell you how nice it was to wake up with you?"

She giggled. "Only like ten times." She slid her hands up his wrists to grasp his forearms. "And I still agree. Last night was really nice, and waking up here, being with you this morning, is definitely the icing on that cake."

"I hope that means we can do this again." His cheek brushed hers in a clearly intentional caress. "I'd like it to become a habit. Even if it's just having you here with me."

"Me too," she agreed. "Being with you this last month has been wonderful. I'm so glad we finally stopped being stupid and high-minded about this."

"One of my best ideas ever," he pointed out. "Right up there with moving back to Paris to be nearer to this amazing gal I wanted to spend more time with."

"You make the best decisions," she said, feeling all warm and cuddly. "Not that you weren't always smart, but clearly your time in university stepped up your decision-making skills."

He tightened his hold for a moment. "I don't want to scare you off and I'm not trying to rush anything here, but I want you to know that there's space set aside in my dresser and in the bathroom vanity for anything you might want to keep here.  Anything that will make it easier and more comfortable for you to stay when you feel like it."

A thrill of happiness raced down her spine to settle in her belly. "Really?"

"Mmm hmmm," he hummed.

"I'd like that."

⁂

"We still up for checking out that museum tonight?" Marinette asked, the moment Alya had picked up.

"Sure are," her best friend said brightly. "And I'm looking forward to it." Alya had expanded her freelance journalism to include art openings and reviews of smaller or less known destinations around Paris.

"And the dress recommendation is what? Semi-formal or classy club?" Marinette asked. She liked to make sure that both she and Alya fit in wherever they were going, and that they reflected well on her friend.

"Classy club," Alya said. "Where the heck are you, girl? The ambient noise is very rush hour."

"I'm walking home from Luka's," she said, stopping to wait at a crosswalk.

"Oooh.  Walk of shame time!" Alya crowed with a laugh. "How was it?  How's he measure up to… uh, what was her name? Ellie?"

Marinette rolled her eyes even though they weren't face-timing and Alya couldn't see her. "First of all, there's no shame here. I had consensual sex with my boyfriend.  Definitely nothing shame-worthy."

"Yeah, yeah," Alya muttered. "You have no shame."

"Exactly," Marinette agreed, grinning.  "And Ellie had nothing on Luka."

Alya squealed, forcing Marinette to pull the phone away from her ear. "But Ellie was the gold bar for Marinette's sexcapades."

"Key word, was , Al." The light changed and she looked before crossing the street. "Oh, it was amazing.  He was amazing. Fifteen out of ten.  Would do again." Part of the reason she didn't care for one-night stands was that she felt it took two or three tries to really get to know each other's bodies well enough to really get it right. In the case of Luka, they knew each other really well and had been getting a little hot and heavy for weeks now. So maybe that was part of the first-time success.

"You might have to keep that man, Mari," Alya said, as if she was giving serious advice, though from experience, she was only half-serious.

"I'd like to think that could happen," Marinette pointed out. "It's been really nice so far. I mean it helps that I knew him so well first. But there's still things we don't really know about each other. I'm not worried about finding a creepy dark side or anything, but it almost seems like it's been too smooth. Our disagreements have been… weirdly reflective and chill."

"Luka's kinda chill in general," Alya pointed out. "I'd assume he's a pot user, but he never smells like it, and he's too focused and sharp to be all dulled out that way."

"He doesn't smoke anything," Marinette said. Even when they were just friends, she didn't like that so many people assumed he was into the unsavory side of the rock and roll lifestyle. He drank a little, casually and socially, but never when he was upset and never to excess. She was relieved her parents had met him when he was still in lycee, and knew his unruffleable demeanor was just the way he was. She hadn't had to go through an awkward intervention with them.

"I know he's not a stoner," Alya insisted.  "But he does give off the vibe."

Marinette huffed. "In would be nice for people to stop making assumptions about him."

"There are lots of things that would be nice," Alya agreed. "Hawkmoth going into genuine full retirement is on the top of that list."

"Truer words have never been spoken," Marinette agreed before wishing her friend a great day. While it was really nice to have Paris' magical terrorist in some sort of semi-retirement, she'd really love to close that chapter of her life.  Having a slightly more stable extracurricular schedule would be great, especially now that she was with someone she could see a future with. If Hawk Moth kicked his shit up into high gear again, she was going to find him and break his teeth.  With cricket bat.

Marinette had taken on most of the duties of the guardian of the miraculous, including storing the miracle box in a secure spot in her room. She still met with Master Fu to train on more esoteric elements of her dual role as Guardian Ladybug. While attending university full time, she'd effectively gotten a PhD in the history, lore and magic of the miraculous.  It had been an intense few years. Poor Nooroo. He'd waited far too long to be rescued, but she was working on a plan for that. And maybe once that had been done she could come clean to both her boyfriend and her partner. Luka would deserve to know why she would inevitably flake on him in the future, and Chat Noir clearly needed a whole lot more support and love in his life.

⁂

It was two days after she'd spent the night, and the first time she'd been back to Luka's apartment since. They'd both had work and other things to, and he'd fortunately been able to join her family for dinner last night, so at least she'd gotten some time with him. He had a couple of late night shifts coming up, recording for some musicians who simply could not function before 17:00. One of the nicest things about his job with the recording studio, was that the odd hours meant they could get together during the day in the middle of the week pretty regularly. It might be less easy once her classes started up in the fall again, but they were already getting into a pattern they could strive to maintain.

She knocked on his door. "Oh sexy boyfriend," she called in a sing-song voice. "I'm here to take you on a date."

The door swung open, and she found herself face to face with a grinning Adrien.

"You are not my boyfriend," she pointed out.

"Oh, I'm not?" Adrien said, as if surprised. He glanced down at his shirt, smoothing the fabric unnecessarily.  "I'm… Luka's proxy for the evening."

"Are not." She crossed her arms over her chest. "What have you done with Luka? Come clean and I'll go easy on you."

Adrien laughed and stepped back, waving for her to come in. "I'm helping him stall for time," he whispered. "He couldn't decide what to wear."

She rolled her eyes and smiled.  "Honestly, I'm okay with nothing. It's an excellent look on him.  But I suppose if we're going out, he has to at least not alarm the tourists."

"Luka," Adrien called toward the bedroom. "Mari's here and she brought her A-game sass." He gestured to the couch.  "Have a seat. Can I get you a drink while you wait?"

"Oooh. Are you his butler now?" she asked.  "Where's your black suit and tie."

His lips twitched.  It was nice to see him in a happy and teasing mood.  "I specialize in butlery for the millennial generation, Mari. Casual butlery."

"Hey Nette," Luka said, stepping into the living room. "Adrien and I were doing some strategic planning and I lost track of time. Sorry about that." She hadn't seen him sheepish often, and it was adorable.

"Pish," she said, waving off his excuse. "It's fine. Did you come up with a plan?" She alternated between looking at Luka and Adrien.

"Yeah," Luka said slowly. "But we're in the early stages here, so I can't tell you anything."

"Oooh." She grinned at Adrien. "You're just an extraordinary model with an underwhelming home life, but you have a secret !" She tried to make it sound like narration for a movie trailer. While both men were chuckling, she reached out to pat Adrien's arm. "I'm okay being left out of things if that's what you prefer. You have Luka helping you out, and I know he'll take care of you."

Adrien pulled her into a firm hug. "Thanks for understanding, Mari."

"Just remember that I'm here for you if there's anything I can do to help you out, okay?" She squeezed back just as tightly. "I've got your back for hugs, pastries, and a variety of support tasks."

"I'll be following up with you on those," he promised.

They all ended up leaving the apartment together, with Adrien excusing himself when they reached the sidewalk. Once they were well out of earshot, Marinette asked how their friend was actually doing.

"Surprisingly well, honestly," Luka said, nodding. "I think he's waited until he was so ready for this that he's going to have absolutely no regrets.  Well, aside from maybe the thought that he could have kicked his sperm donor to the curb years ago. His rebellion is fully planned out. It's kind of scary how thorough he's being."

Marinette sighed sadly. "He has two modes. Dangerously rash, on par with Chat Noir, and meticulously organized. There's no middle ground."

Luka offered her a half smile. "I'd noticed that. Do you think he'll balance out a bit once he no longer has to rein himself in so much?"

She thought for a moment, then nodded. "Yeah. That sounds about right. He's so tightly controlled that when he snaps, he overcompensates by hauling ass to the other side of the spectrum."

"That's just sad," Luka said. "Does he ever get to be himself?"

"He is with you.  With his close friends away from the limelight and paparazzi, who I swear function as Gabriel's spies." While she might have admired the man's genius at one time, she couldn't see past his treatment of his son.  "I wish it didn't have to be like this, but I'm glad he's finally acting on it. He deserves to be happy."

"It's well past time," Luka agreed. "I think we should maybe try to invite him along to hang out with us some once he gets the ball rolling next week. Would that be okay?"

She nodded. "Definitely." They'd reached an intersection, and once they stopped walking, she pulled him down to kiss his cheek. "I love spending time with you.  But I can share you."

"Oooh," he said, wiggling his eyebrows. "Sounds kinky."

She rolled her eyes.  "I don't think Adrien does , kinky." Whether it was his conditioning or his preference, he was one of her few friends whose dating history and sexual interest were completely unknown. She'd gotten the feeling more than once that he wasn't comfortable talking about it. "We just need to make sure he doesn't feel like a third wheel."

An explosion several blocks over shook the pavement, and her head snapped up. Hawk Moth had been so quiet, and of course it was too much to expect him to stay that way.  But she'd hoped her luck would allow it to happen when she didn't have to worry about hiding her secrets from Luka. Maybe she should start carrying Sass with her, because him becoming Viperion again would definitely mask her absence.

Luka kissed her forehead, his presence soothing her as her mind tried to spiral out of control. "I'm gonna head back to my place," he said in a whisper. "You go do your thing."

She stared at him, her other freak-out completely derailed by this one.

"No panicking, Sweets." His thumbs brushed over her cheeks. "I know, I'm not supposed to know, so no need to confirm, okay? No excuses needed.  I get it, more than most would. Just be safe. I'll meet you back at my place."

⁂

Check out Chapter Five  >>>

⁂

I miss breaks.  Stupid fucking Tumblr.

Sorry this took so long.  Been stupid busy, but it’s been mostly good.

And if you’re so inclined, feel free to support me over on Ko-Fi

We Are The Same

For @alexaaab — Hii, I was wondering if you could do a Ben x reader imagine where they just started dating and the reader is a very famous actress, she’s with Ben at the Paris Fashion week and after all the fashion week stuff they spend a few days exploring Paris and they became the new it couple or something like that. Sorry if this is too much! Anyway, thank youu. A/N: I changed it a bit, due to how my Sweetener series is going to go, put most of what you asked for is the same! Warnings: mild suggestive content. FLUFF Pairing: Ben Hardy x Reader.

It’s safe to say that when Ben invited YN to Paris on vacation, she was shocked but also rather excited. They’d only been dating for about four months, so a trip like this felt important to her. Perhaps it meant things were getting serious. Or, it was just convenient, considering that she was finishing up filming season 2 of The Alienist in Belgium and he was already in Paris for Men’s Fashion Week. But, being an optimist, she chose to believe the former of the two. When her flight touched down in Paris around 4 PM on that Friday night Ben left a message on her phone. 

“Hey babe, I’m sorry I can’t be there to pick you up from the airport, but I’m sending a car service to drive to to my hotel. I left a key with the concierge for you. See you later.”

YN smiled at the message and grabbed her luggage from the baggage claim. Thinking about how any of her other ex-boyfriends would have just sent her a text and expected her to find her own way. But not Ben. He always had everything planned out and was always 2 steps ahead. 

When YN arrived at the suite, she admired the old Parisian details of the room. Making her way into the bedroom, she smiled and giggled, seeing that there were rose petals all over the bed and a trail of them leading to the bathroom. Her smile grew as she noticed a note on the vanity. 

YN, I’m out at the Alfred Dunhill show. I made reservations for 8 PM at Laserre. So, relax, have a bath and put on your nicest dress, darling. If you’ve brought it, I like your black Gucci one. ;)

See you soon love, Ben xx.

YN smiled and put the note down — she had heard of Laserre, according to Vogue magazine and Zagat, it was one of the top 10 romantic restaurants in Paris. Sitting on the edge of the claw foot tub, dipping her hand into the fragrant rose petal bath, it was still hot. He must not have left long before she arrived. 

YN heard Ben arrive back to the hotel before she saw him. As he eased the door closed she called out to him from in front of the mirror as she applied her lipstick. “Hey babe! I’m in the bathroom.” Rushing in, ben picked her up from behind and spun her around. “Ugh, I’ve missed you, sweetheart!” He groaned, burying his face in her neck and pulling YN close before giving her a true kiss. “I’ve missed you too, babe.” YN smiled, wiping the lipstick from the corner of Ben’s mouth. “I’m just going to shower and change and then we’ll head out to the restaurant, alright love? Gosh, you must be starved.” YN smiled at the genuine concern in Ben’s voice — yet again another characteristic many of her ex’s lacked. “I’m okay, I ate the chocolate off of your pillow when I got in.” YN giggled. “Thank you for the bath and the rose petals by the way, very romantic.” She added, kissing his cheek before turning back to the vanity to finish her makeup and encourage him to start his shower. “Hey, babe!” Ben yelled from inside the shower, “did you bring that Gucci dress I suggested in the note?”

Before YN could answer, Ben stepped out of the shower and into the adjoining bedroom with nothing but a towel around his waist. Sneaking up behind her quietly, Ben smirked. Placing his hands on YN’s shoulders Ben kissed the exposed skin of her back and shoulder blades. 

YN jumped a little at the sudden contact, but moaned at the sensations nonetheless. Turning to face him, YN kissed his lips and unwrapped his towel, cradling his half-hard cock. Before he could walk her toward the bed, YN pulled away and Ben groaned at the loss of contact. 

“As much as I would like to continue this little... or not so little rendezvous, we’re going to be late for our reservation.” YN smirked, looking down at Ben’s erection. “Tease.” He smirked, shaking his head. “Here.” He continued, turning YN around and zipping the back of her dress before moving her hair and kissing the nape of her neck. 

Pulling out her chair for her at the restaurant, he whispered in her ear. 

“I’m glad you took my advice on the dress, love. You look amazing.” YN blushed and gave a shy smile taking Ben’s hand across the table when he’s seated. “You look very handsome yourself. So, what do you have planned for us this week?” She asked as the sommelier arrived at their table to pour the wine. “Well, I know you’re a huge Gossip Girl fan, so I was thinking we could be Chuck and Blair for a day. Breakfast tomorrow at Chez Julien, a few hours at the Louvre, we’ll pick up some macarons from Ladurée on our way back to the hotel before dinner at Baccarat.” Ben said before sipping his wine. YN’s jaw nearly hits the floor and she lets out an excited gasp. “Ben are you serious?! All that in one day? We have a whole week here! And Baccarat is much too expensive, we definitely don’t need to go there.” YN responded. 

Though both were successful actors and models in their own right, she didn’t want Ben to feel as though she was taking advantage of him, because she wasn’t. She paid her way to Paris and could afford her own dinners, so she didn’t want him to feel like he had to pamper her or provide everything for her. She was just happy to be there with him. They could hole up in the hotel all week, and simply enjoy one another’s company for all she cared. 

“I want to take you there, YN. I know you don’t like being spoiled, but you just wrapped a massively successful series and we’ve been apart for weeks.” “And to answer your other questions... we aren’t exactly staying in Paris all week.” Ben said, looking down at his plate of dessert. “W-what do you mean?” YN asked, rather confused. “Well, remember when we first started dating you told me that you hadn’t been back to Italy since you were a kid?” He smiled mischievously. “You didn’t?!” YN gasped again. Getting up from her seat at the table she ran over to Ben and hugged him as he stood to take her into his arms. “The train leaves Saturday at noon.” He smiled, kissing her. “I love you, Ben.” YN said, for the first time in the four months they had been together. “I love you too, YN.” Ben smiled.

The young couple stood like that for several minutes, in the middle of the fancy dining room. Oblivious to the looks they received from fellow diners and the French conversations going on around them. In that moment, the world stood still.

Upon arriving at the train station in Rome, YN admired the architecture of the city around them while Ben called for car service. 

As he reappeared beside her, YN placed her arms around his waist and kissed him. 

“This place is amazing. I can’t wait to adventure with you.” Ben responded into the kiss. 

Hand-in-hand walking across the street, the couple was spotted by several photographers as the stepped into their town car. Ben, being the gentleman he was opened YN’s door for her and walked around the other side of the car. Men with cameras and thick Italian accents made their way closer to the car as it pulled away. 

“Ben! YN! Why are you in Italy?” one shouted. “Ben, are you planning something special for YN?!” another yelled. YN just laughed and placed her legs in Ben’s lap in the backseat as the driver headed for the hotel. 

“They do know we’ve only been dating 4 months right? As much as I love you, I sincerely hope you don’t pull a Nick Jonas and propose this early.” Ben chuckled at this and kissed her cheek, “no, darling. I do love you, but I’d at least hope to be introduced to your family before I propose. I have no hidden agenda for us this week, just a busy couple finally getting to spend some time together.”

Arriving at the hotel, Ben hands the front desk receptionist his credit card. 

“No, Ben, please let me get this! You paid for everything during our stay in Paris, I insist.” YN cut in, handing over hers instead. The receptionist looks from YN to Ben as he huffs and puts his card back in his wallet. “Yay!” YN cheered. 

Walking up to their room, Ben said, “I can take care of you, you know.” Opening the door to their room and turning on the lights YN says, “I know you can, and I can take care of myself too. I want you to know that that isn’t why I’m with you. Not for the fame, or money. I’m with you because I care about you, and you understand this lifestyle. My other boyfriends always thought that they needed to take care of me, and I hoped you’d be different.” YN sighed, flopping onto the bed. 

Sitting next to her on the bed, Ben caressed her cheek, and looked her deep in the eye.

“I know you can, lovie. You’re very capable of taking care of yourself, but this whole week away was my idea, and I just wanted to treat you. You’ve been working so hard and I’m unbelievably proud of you.” He smiled. “Thank you, baby. That means everything to me, but you have treated me, several times in the last few days, I may add. I want to pay for the room, and dinners. I’m in an extremely good financial situation right now. With The Alienist wrapping, the Burberry campaign. We are equals in this relationship, my love. Get used to it.” YN smiled, leaning forward to kiss Ben. Climbing on top of her and deepening the kiss Ben responded, “alright, sugar mumma. Let’s get some rest, you’re treating me to dinner after our nap.”

YN just laughed as Ben took the position of big spoon.      

climb.run.hike (a la eat.pray.love)

G-d saw all that he had made, and it was very good. - Genesis 1

-------------- 

I don’t know how to write anymore. I’m 27 now, but writing, blog writing specifically, has been habitually part of my life since I was 14. Writing is very much a muscle which needs to be worked at and maintained. To say the least it all used to flow, and the process of writing, more than the actual writing output, was an essential part of how I unwinded from the happenings of life. I’ve missed this, it has sort of fallen off the radar this year, and the narrative have swirled around in my mind. For the moment, the editing process seems to garble and confuse, more than clarify and expand the language which I employ. The feelings and emotions in myself - I can’t just describe. This is about the fourth or fifth time I’ve written this post.

The final four weeks before Christmas have been pure routine. Drifting, dilly-dallying, floating - I have fully embraced my inner alter-ego lifestyle which laid dormant this year. This other-me who leaves work early, and plays video-games late, and eats and imbibes freely. It is quite the contrast to the past six months of regiment and focus, the past few weeks have been completely restful, reinvigorating and refreshing - and, frankly, quite welcome.  In all of my limited existence (27 years <gulp>), I don’t think I’ve ever been so busy or occupied in my life as this past six months.

I have a hard time letting go because the final few weeks of the year have still been exceedingly busy. The last weekend in Auckland, I hopped between four Christmas parties on Saturday and Sunday, and finished with a late night working on Sunday. In all of these social gatherings, I was faced with many questions about my year, and I spent a lot of time recounting my adventures this second half of 2019. At Anna’s 30th birthday party especially, I hadn’t seen her in months, and the conversation is always tragically short when she is that popular. 

Social-jugs can handle the small-talk conversations at parties, however vapid and soul-crushing, but it was the mental mind contortions regarding finances and relationships which slowly eroded my sanity. The past six months has not just been the normal event after event after event, but it was like each event was suffocating on my own sanity. The way that money was constantly at the mind’s forefront would affect my ability to enjoy life. Restless sleep counting money instead of sheep, while my mind was full of shopping lists and balance sheets brought me no rest. The nights were long where I would replay conversations and then drift to semi-conscious dreams of impossible segues and circumstances. 

The second half of this year was, in one word, bizarre, with A-. I was increasingly frustrated and filled with despair. For someone with a infectiously sunny disposition, she’s very good at pushing people away. Her continued longing for her previous boyfriend who was clearly abusive and emotionally manipulative broke my heart. Really. 

I began to pine for the peaceful activities - I need the hiking alone and terrible renditions of my favourite nostalgic songs with a Bob Dylan rasp. I need the moment where I wake up and lazily watch the sandflies dancing on the tent fly. I need the Saturday morning brunches and afternoons laying in bed till the evening hours reading in a foetal position. I need to walk through the supermarket in my pyjamas and nights refreshing the same webpages as if the news that the world has ended would drop at any moment. I miss the pull of the dark corners of clubs where I move with my eyes shut, hair swaying in front of my face. Just normal things (right?!). 

I learned discipline and perseverance in financial matters - I tell myself that because, otherwise, 2019: Part Two ran me ragged. I longed for the days to just climb under the sheets and draw them over my head as if I could avoid the problems in life just for a moment and just be. Climb under the sheets and maybe stay there for a while, instead of falling asleep into dreamless sleep immediately. 

In November, I took my big holiday of the year: two weeks in the South Island -- a mountain-climbing course with Colin, and hiking by myself in the second week. During this time, I realized just how complex and busy the six months prior were. Hiking, in contrast, is simple. It is just one foot in front of another, and a simple existence of self-sustenance. Without the noise of information everywhere, there is just the conversations inside my head when hiking alone. There is only the crinkle of your own sleeping bag and never moment of loneliness in the solitude. Somewhere during the nine hour sleeps and genuinely feeling exhausted more than I can ever remember - I realised I haven’t had the time to appreciate this year for what it was worth and how much I have to proud of.

-------------- 

As someone who has frequented the climbing walls at least twice a week for the past 6 months, I am still terrible at rock-climbing. Granted, my frequency and motivation for climbing, really does wax and wane like the moon. And lately, as my main source of exercise, due to this knee injury, it has been waxing. Nevertheless, I never really saw the improvement I would expect someone else to have with the frequency and focus on the sport.  To a large degree, the social element of climbing really brought me back repeatedly to the same crags. We spent many Sunday afternoons and evenings just chatting and doing very little actual climbing. But we were each other’s greatest cheerleaders in finding every little scrap of willpower and confidence to hold on to the little scraps protruding from the wall. 

Sometimes you have to remind yourself to breathe before a big move and just stick it. Sometimes you have to remind yourself to look down and see how terrifyingly high you are. Sometimes you have to take a break and shake the blood back into your hands. 

I learned it is okay to fail.

As someone who falls a lot, I can confirm that the falling gives me confidence because it means that I believed in myself enough, albeit maybe too much. I backed myself to make a move with confidence. The next attempt meant that I could attempt more and grow more in strength and resolve. The second time up would assuredly be better with experience, and there is a certain relief where you finally accomplish the right contortion of body to get past a section. 

Trad. climbing still terrifies me, but even with sport climbing and lead roping, it is still a delicate affair. Gathering at the bottom of a crag, checking each other’s knots, and double checking I locked the carabiner around my harness bell - it is a solemn routine. It’s a more serious sport and there is a lot more faith in each other and self-belief required in the equipment and process. Outside, the falls are bigger and the fall is a couple of metres to the last anchor point, which can be more than a moment in the air. I can only just breathe and trust in others to catch me. If climbing was an analogy for life, they would be my support system. 

Beyond climbing, I have found that people are a lot more compassionate, kind and exceedingly more patient than we can ever expect from someone like ourselves. If friends are ever an indication of the type of person we are, the bounds which feel almost endless, I am climbing far beyond my own character.

At the top of an outdoor crag, I learned self-confidence. 

--------------

The Saint Heliers turnaround is the moment of reckoning and Armageddon. The entire way out to Saint Helier, it’s pulsing through my mind that I’d have to return this path and retrace my steps to finish. The people ahead of me are on the other side of the road, returning to the finish line, looking worse for wear. The turnaround is where the final nine kilometers starts, and the mind resets and forgets about the previous 33km which should have been easy-going. 

At this point, the race really starts to feel like a marathon. No amount of training prior could prepare for the tortures and endurance of this section. If I could describe the feeling - it’s like trying to spread peanut butter on toast from an empty jar. The opening to the jar is tiny, only enough for a butter knife to fit inside, and it continues to scrape the bottom of the jar. The bottom of the jar makes a screeching noise, and every single urge is to stop scraping, but for some reason we continue. 

I changed the music to my specially prepared list of tracks, rummaging through my pocket of half empty gel packs, to change to the final track in my <Marathon 2019> playlist. At 33km, I made it up to this point feeling mostly okay -- so I went for it. 

I made it four more kilometres with a negative split, running past multiple people who had started walking, before falling back into a numb survival mode. The sort of survival where you grit your teeth and and look for energy and strength you never knew you had. Digging deeper into the jar for one last push with two fingers jammed into the opening.

I ran alongside someone else who looked like he was struggling as much as I was, and we stuck together. I even had a little kick of speed about one km from the finish, near Britomart, before falling behind him again. Abby found me at the finish line, but I couldn’t move any closer to hear what she was saying. Nick came and found me to congratulate me, and I gave him a ride home via church. 

The last 9 kilometers was truly one of the hardest things I have finished, but I was so happy at the finish line. I don’t think anyone else could ever understand the tears of joy -- I could do it.

On the Auckland marathon, I learned self-belief.

-----------------

I think people who have hiked with me can assure you that my hiking style is best described as obsessive. Nearly all can affirm this, the rest never really made it back. When I returned to Auckland in November, I remarked that to Y- that I was genuinely just exhausted, Y- was astonished, 

> I cannot fathom what kind of hiking could make you exhausted

The Cascade Saddle day-trip was rough. It wasn’t the day trudging through knee-deep snow, or the sunburn starting to form on my cheek, right below where my cap did not provide shade -- but it was the collective two weeks of hiking and climbing, and finding my limit at the end of three long ten-hour days with a full pack. The entire day was full of the highest highs and the lowest lows. 

The Dart Glacier, arguably the centre-piece of this hike was stunning. The entire hike was designed around tracing the Dart River upstream on the true left of the river to its source. It was easily the most awe-inspiring thing I have seen this year, in terms of majesty and beauty. There is nothing on earth which makes me feel so small or insignificant, as standing at the base of a glacier and looking at the timeless, frozen rivers that run around me. 

The lows followed quickly after, descending from the mountain saddle, toward the end of the day and rapidly losing daylight. Fully knowing there was still 5 hours of hiking left in the day, slightly worried about the pace of the day quickly ending. 

I can still vividly remember the shape of the broad, flat rock which looked slippery, and despite making the mental cost-benefit analysis, still carelessly putting my entire weight on the rock. In true laidback-jugs fashion, I just decided that the problem would sort itself out. Unsurprisingly, the foot did actually continue slipping, and with zero points of secure anchor, on the side of the mountain I continued to slide down the hill for a couple of metres somersaulting over exposed rock and snow. 

I cursed myself with some very self-deprecating language to numb the pain down my shins and landing on top of my camera bag. In the back of my mind, I knew that I was hiking alone, very far from the closest person. Something about the self-sufficiency in the wild makes one increasingly irritable at every oneself, and every bad decisions. The rest of the limp back was miserable and I was exceedingly negative to myself.

The next morning, I made it as far as the Rees Saddle before returning to the hut. I started at 6am and vowed to myself that I would only go 3 hours because I had another 3 hours return and another 5 hours to the next hut. I made it two and half hours of climbing and walking along the narrow mountain route before stopping. I rested. 

I felt not so alone as previous days, but in such solitude for that short half an hour, just watching the sun come over the mountains and giving my body rest. From the Intentions Book I knew that I was the first person to come across this mountain pass for four months, and I took heart from that. 

In the moments where I could stop and see creation, remembering why I was out there in moderate-high danger, crossing waist-high water, and walking for hours with what seems like all my possessions - I could see that, in that moment, it was good. 

On the Rees-Dart track, I learned self-love.

-----------------

This year has been good, even great. It’s been the best one yet, and I know I have grown so much as a person. 

About a month ago, E- said I am often pretentious and this operated as a defense mechanism. It still slays me on the inside somewhat because it’s something I’ve battled my whole life. In reality, there is pretentiousness in me, but can that exist if I vow there is no pride? 

There is urgency in everything I do, because I like to think that I doggedly pursue and am surrounded by so much love, peace and joy. I don’t know how anyone could settle for anything less, I struggle to translate that sentiment into words and actions that other people could understand. I don’t know how I can put the thirst in me in a normal way, without resorting to l'appel du vide and feeling I’m crazy or weird (or inferior) compared to everyone else because I feel more than other people do. 

Life is merely what God has planned for each of us, and I’m just here to experience every drop of it. 

On some level, I long to share it with someone. There is so much of my life which is guarded and the way her words still have so much power over me -- I think I still have some residual feelings for her.

The Good, the Bad, and the Goals – My First Year in College

I’ve always heard that college will change you. I’ve never doubted it, but I also never gave it a second thought. Even with all my fussing and “research” into what I simply can’t live without in the dorms (amongst other topics), I believed whatever happens, happens – that’s how these things usually go. Well, so much for surprises.

The Highs

Orientations suck, they always do, but I’m so thankful for mine during my first week in college. Despite getting sucked into playing 20 different versions of “Hi! My name is ____ and my favorite ____ is ____,” I genuinely cherished that week as I acquainted the best friends I could’ve come to know. I had a great roommate, met my best friend who is now my current roommate, and became close with a group of people who I’ve learned I can depend on for anything. I’m surrounded by people I can rely on for late night conversations, last minute homework help, and curbing my spontaneous food cravings. As someone who never used to share much about myself to even my better friends, being closer to people I’ve known for only 12 months than people I’ve known for 12 years was unexpected. So I guess this is a long-winded way of saying I’m extremely thankful for them, and college would really, really suck without them.

Then, there’s my club. This was my first glimpse into the competitive nature of the high-achieving students that I’d be attending school with for the next four (now three) years. I felt uncomfortable with the application process, and even in my second semester I couldn’t muster enough courage to apply to everything I wanted. After applying to 10+ consulting clubs, it was really discouraging to only hear back from one club for which I was actually a promising candidate. Additionally, the level of prestige this club enjoys basically killed all hopes of getting anything on my part. All of that aside, the amount of joy I felt after receiving my acception call made the process worth it. I honestly couldn’t believe the result; somehow, my connection-less bum made it through 3 rounds of interviews without blowing my awkward cover. To make it all better, the friends I’ve made through the club are some of the most talented and welcoming people I know. It is thanks to them that I can attribute most of the things I now know about Berkeley, and I’ll always be infinitely grateful to them for taking me out of my shell more and more.

Finally, there was my new lifestyle. I decided what I wanted to eat and when I wanted to eat it. I handled my own expenses. I chose to sleep in or not sleep at all whenever I saw fit. I went to parties and danced like I had no shame. I can even skip a full week of school and no one would be there to scold me. (Actually, that last part isn’t true... my friends are good influences *sigh.*) I had a lot of fun, and I’m genuinely happy to say that I was never homesick as a result.

I love college. There’s no other word for it. Despite all the struggles and unwanted realizations of self-insufficiency (which I’ll detail next), nothing could drown out the amount of happiness I’ve accumulated since when I first arrived in California.

The Lows

My first semester was hell. Absolute hell. 

It’s not like I didn’t know things would be hard. My West Virginian upbringing didn’t expose me to much, and the education I received before college was average at best compared to the Californian training of other people around me. 

Or at least that’s what I liked to tell others I believed.

In reality, I just couldn’t fathom why I was performing so badly. It seemed like everyone around me was achieving this magical balance between getting A’s, doing 20-hours-a-week clubs, and going out with friends on Friday nights. Taking curved classes only further reinforced this idea as I struggled to achieve the same marks as the people around me. I was suddenly struck with the hard truth that other people were simply better. 

That’s the word I used: better. It took me months to figure out that “better” is not the correct word choice for this situation.

I knew I didn’t want to study chemistry anymore from week 3. I started skipping every class from week 4. Even then, I somehow found a way to be extremely sleep deprived, had no time to make plans with friends, and only went to mandatory outings for my club.

And that’s how I learned the long hinted fact that I fucking suck at time management.

Honestly, I don’t know what finally got to me – how often the mixture of existential crisis and imposter syndrome hit me, or my best friend literally knocking me on the head saying “you REALLY lack discipline.” It felt like all of my high school insecurities that I worked so hard to hide started spilling out of me uncontrollably, and all I could do was use my four limbs to cover the mess that was my first semester. My limbs and the sheer will to not sleep until shit gets done (yet still getting distracted by the poison that is YouTube).

That’s the thing – I wish I could say I fixed myself… but I definitely didn’t.

Goals

I was inspired to start a blog because of a few reasons:

The fact that my writing began to edge closer towards the style of a seventh grader instead of where it should be started to concern me.

I read my friend’s blog entries from when he was in high school, and little things like that inspire me.

A girl in my club has only one blog post in her entire blog. It’s in a format similar to this, where she reflects on one of the worst years of her life. This entry impressed so many people that it might’ve been one of the reasons why she was heavily considered for the club in the first place. @M if you’re reading this, I might’ve totally stalked your resume to get there, but I regret nothing. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I’ve always wanted to maintain an online reflection of sorts. Why not put it all in a blog then?

In M’s blog post, she mentioned a few goals she had for the year ahead. It was like a tracker to make sure she doesn’t fuck up in the next year. Here’s my attempt to do the same.

Goals for the 2019-20 Academic Year:

Attend more than half of my classes – I think I was borderline last semester, but I don’t really know. I’d like to be sure this semester.

Invest more and make better financial decisions – stick to budgets, spend less “just for fun” money, but pay for quality

Do work at least a day before the due date – I can already tell this will be a struggle. Procrastination is my enemy, and I inevitably always lose the battle.

Learn to say “no” – I’m not capable of handling 10 things at the same time no matter how often I tell myself I am

Give less shits – NOBODY cares as much as I do about the random shits that I care about, and that’s not because they’re careless

Future me will probably feel attacked reading these, but present me feels pretty good about what I just wrote, and that’s enough.

Growing up, I’ve always looked forward to college. Now that I’m finally here, it would be a tragedy if I didn’t make the most of it. Maybe if I set goals to work towards, I’ll finally allow myself to relish in the beautiful sunshine and neverending energy of California.