#I also want to be able to draw normally again because I've been way too stressed out lately
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SENDS U VIRTUAL HUGS,, IVE BEEN THERE BEFOREEE
THANK YOU FOR THE HUGS TAT
#thanks for all the nice comments from everyone too#I hope I will be in a better place in life soon I don't want to be a downer#I also want to be able to draw normally again because I've been way too stressed out lately#hope y'all are doing good#asks#doodles
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Playlist for my Aeor longfic
I failed to figure out how to do a fancy spotify embed like the kids do but uh. Here's the playlist for Gravity!
I listened to this while planning and writing, and there are even a few shout-outs to the songs in the fic... Songs are arranged chronologically, so you should be able to hear the story happening, hopefully :'D
Further yelling about song choices under the cut!
A Matter of Time - This one is... sort of the fic's opening titles in my head? I wanted to start out with an instrumental, to capture the vibes of the months before the fic opens - Essek and Caleb apart, thinking about the T-Dock, and each other. Wondering. Waiting.
Horse to Water - Essek in Chapter 1, knowing his life as the Shadowhand is ending, waiting for Caleb to come and take him away to whatever comes next. (I'm normally very picky about not putting songs that reference modern day stuff on fantasy playlists but this one's vibes were too perfect)
Dear Fellow Traveller - Two wizards heading into Aeor together.
Conquest of Spaces - A song for Aeor. A dark, beautiful city, the remains of a people who lived by greed and power. (And two wizards in the ruins, trying to draw closer to each other.)
Neptune - This is mostly for Essek's breakdown in chapter 5, as he worries he'll never break out of his Shadowhand manipulation, wanting to be closer to Caleb and not knowing what that would even look like. And it's a little for Caleb in chapter 6, too, grappling with his feelings for Essek and his fears that they'll ultimately be bad for each other.
Please Don't Say You Love Me - ... and as they move past those fears, this song is for them tentatively acknowledging what they might be to each other. Not yet. But maybe soon.
Woodwork - This is for the chapters 6-9 span, as they learn more about Brashaar's plan. The pressure of a crisis has an odd way of making them realise just how deep their trust and care for each other runs.
Two Evils - Since we're at the point where Brashaar shows up, she gets a song now! This is pretty much her internal monologue during her confrontation with the wizards (though she really should have paid attention to 'if you're not careful, you will lose her' in reference to Quaera...)
Winter - Travelling northward, and yearning. Wishing they had more time.
Mind - A song for a young Quaera, slowly forming a personality, wondering about who she is and how her identity forms...
The Tower - ... and having their own breakdown.
What Could Have Been - I love me a good villainous breakdown, and this is a song for Brashaar's. This is how I imagine she feels during the final confrontation, raging against the gods, against Caleb and Essek, against Quaera after they turn from her. Not quite able to let go of what she thinks Aeor could have been. What, in her eyes, the world is meant to be. (As a bonus, I think the second verse sounds a bit like a retort to her from Quaera...)
Everybody Wants to Rule the World - This is such a fun cinematic cover, and I can't tell you how many times I've imagined a mental AMV of the final battle with Brashaar set to it :'D
Ori, Embracing the Light - I wanted an instrumental here too, because... Essek is dead, Caleb is in shutdown, and Essek and Quaera are communing with the Luxon, a being that doesn't really speak with words. Also, 'embracing the light' is exactly what Quaera does at this point.
Would That I - I know we all use this as Caleb's 'learning to live and love again' song... and I am no exception. This is for him after the T-Dock, finally fully acknowledging his grief, and his love for Essek.
First Day of my Life - Just two wizards realising that they have a future, and agreeing to slowly work at what's between them.
Ready to Call This Love - This one speaks for itself, honestly.
Five - Both of the wizards in the final chapter, but especially Essek realising how isolated he's been from the world, and letting it all in so he can feel it. (Also, studying the universe is a love language - )
Gravity - Gravity is a metaphor for love!!!!
#please know that restricting myself to just four sleeping at last songs#is Enormous restraint for me#anyway uh have some songs and rambling#shadowgast#gravity and all that's born within#essek thelyss#caleb widogast#critical role
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How do you manage to stay in a fandom for so long? I'm always mario jumping from fandom to fandom every 3-6 months
Oh, so many reasons. I think I've answered this before but in a much more concise way so idk what happened here when I tried to answer again from scratch but uhhh I wrote a lot lol?? Long ramble time. 😂
I found this fandom at a point in my life when I really emotionally needed it, so I got really attached to it. I stayed because of the friends I've made in it and because of the OCs I got invested in, both mine and other people's, and every so often something invigorated my interest like a new roleplay I got to join or new concept art that got discovered.
I'm also just a really dedicated person (for better or worse) and I still have ideas that I want to get out there creatively. I don't get a lot of free time, and I rarely have energy for hobbies after work so my time passes slowly in the sense that I may still be in the middle of appreciating a thing, meanwhile everyone else has already sped through and processed it and moved on.
So I've gotta be really careful about choosing what to spend my limited time and energy on. It sometimes takes me a whole month to draw a piece of art that I'm proud of. It would be a huge waste of my time to spend so much energy on a fandom that after 3 months I think I might not care about anymore.
And like, if it's going to take me a month to draw 1 thing, what am I going to choose? Fanart of a character from a show that I just finished that I might possibly move on from in 3 months? Or art of my darling Audrey OC that I've been developing for years and whom I know will always bring me joy for the rest of my life? It's not a hard choice! Like I'm sure it's obvious by now but I really love my oc. It's gotten to the point that I look for her in every media I consume. I like characters because they remind me of her, and I like plots because they remind me of her. When I watch a movie and end up loving it, I'm not going to be drawing fanart for that movie, I'm more likely going to be drawing Audrey Grace in some way that's consciously or subconsciously inspired by that movie. I'm sure other people with beloved ocs can relate to that, too.
Back to media consumption: I'm constantly watching new things, shows, movies, letsplays, and I'm able to love them just fine, but I never participate in their fandoms (unless you count reblogging fanart as participation. I personally don't). I just don't feel motivated to and I feel like it's unnecessary. I shouldn't need to prove anything. You can appreciate media without engaging in fandom. In fact, I encourage it, because a lot of what I see in fandoms these days is just stressful, at least to me. And I don't want that stress. I'm much happier as a person when I don't have to read other people's opinions, discourse and drama over some show's themes or ships or whatever. I can just quietly revel in my own enjoyment of the show without being tainted by anything else, and my love for it is not any less valid than the person who's livetweeting their loud emotions while watching the same show and putting out fanart 1 hour after every episode. Bless them, though.
And I guess that's mostly what I do these days with the Onceler fandom, too. Appreciating it more quietly these days, I mean. It's just that...I have a fandom related oc so I draw her. And I have friends here so we do stuff together and we reference fandom inside jokes no matter what activity we're doing. If I encounter art that deeply moves me personally, I reblog it, just like I reblog art for other media on my sideblog. When anyone has a fandom history related question, I'm eager to answer because I don't want the past to be misrepresented or misunderstood. And also, since it's been over a decade, this fandom has long ago become my daily normal. I can do whatever I like but I can't really "leave" this fandom unless I delete all my social media and cut off all my online friends. And delete my memories of the past 12 years of my life as well. Just become a completely different person.
So I guess I can reverse the sentiment: I can't relate to people who hop fandoms every 3 to 6 months. 😭 All the power to you, but that's just not the way I happen to live my life, nor the way I engage with the media I consume! The Once-ler fandom was the one exception. It was special.
But who knows, anything can happen in the future. I'm not so proud that I'm purposely blocking myself from looking at other fandoms or anything. I just go with the flow! Right now I'm slowly making my way through jjba, an omori playthrough, a Plague Tale playthrough, and urusei yatsura season 2 (the new anime). Probably nothing will come out of any it except for a bunch of Audrey inspos, but again, who knows. XD I'm also going to an idkhow concert soon, and I've bought merch from their store already. Does that count as participating in a fandom? Maybe not. But now that I think of it, even if I "join" another fandom, it doesn't necessarily mean I'd leave the onceler fandom either, so maybe it wouldn't matter haha.
Thank you for the ask and thank you to anyone who's read my entire answer!
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"For Mahiru's sake"
I have seen some arguements that, yes, if Amane is able to deck Shidou, it would indeed be a skill issue and all that
However "we still must vote Amane guilty in order to protect Mahiru"
Ignoring all the things like "subjecting a torture victim to further torture" and "there is no guarantee that another guilty vote would restrain Amane enough to stop her" and "It isn't a case of when or if, Fuuta is literally already implied to be in Amane's cult and he has an inno vote meaning Amane could just ask him to act on her behalf"
I want to object to this on the grounds that Mahiru herself would not approve of it.
Firstly: Why did Mahiru forgive Kotoko?
I think many people saw Mahiru forgiving Kotoko and took it at a surface level
"Oh such a kind heart poor Mahiru has~"
Perhaps some with concern
"If she's willing to forgive a woman that almost killed her what else is she willing to put up with?!"
I too have shared these concerns for her
But I think there is an oft overlooked explanation, one deeper to Mahiru's true nature
"An ideal she can't concede on"
It's no secret Kotoko views herself as a vessel for justice, dehumanising herself into a mere tool, Es' "Fang"
And to Kotoko, justice can only be delivered in the most visceral, corporal satisfying way
So it is completely understandable, that upon being told Mikoto, Mahiru, Fuuta and Amane had commited injustices. Kotoko's only reaction could've been a violent beatdown (until she got stopped by Kazui at least)
Why would Mahiru care about that?
Because, dear reader, Mahiru too has a belief she cannot concede on
Both Mahiru and Shidou say they'll do anything for love and its likely that conviction that lead them both to MILGRAM
Shidou would take the hearts of a million paitents if his wife's would beat again. Mahiru, even after two trials... honestly doesn't have much to say about her boyfriend... But everything she did, she did for love and thus she has no regrets
Mahiru even directly draws a link between herself and Kotoko here.
So why can't Mahiru deny Kotoko's ideals? Because she'd be denying a piece of herself too
And if we're going off Mahiru's logic, she wouldn't want us to permit her ideals whilst denying Amane's
Ok, but, who cares what Mahiru wants, right? Useless weaklings should just shut up and let us protect them!
Especially given how fragile Mahiru must be...
A concern I've seen a lot is that even if Mahiru isn't the target, if Shidou becomes incapacitated, she'll potentially die too
A lot of people voted Mahiru innocent on the basis that another guilty could be fatal to her.
Now Mahiru does seem pretty badly injured, and while we don't know the basis of the care Shidou and Yuno are providing, it must be severe to require two round-the-clock carers
Despite this, while Mahiru certainly isn't comfortable, it does seem like physically she is mostly stable. Even without Shidou, Yuno has recently spoken about how out of normality, she can't let someone in front of her die. So she'd probably continue to help keep Mahiru clean and fed even if she can't help with more complicated things (and we know Yuno isn't at risk because Amane talked to her without giving her a big threat about breaking taboo)
This is also total speculation on my part, but I have a feeling by the time trial 3 rolls around, Mahiru will still be in her wheelchair heavily injured, but she will have recovered some more of her strength.
Wheelchairs can move faster than I can run to begin with (Source: Guy I used to share a class with always beat me in foot/wheel races) but in addition Mahiru could already (with great difficulty and probably with risk of exaccerbating her injury) walk/run to some degree before getting her chair
I mean this not to discount her, but to say that she is not entirely without defence/method of evasion should Amane attack
Even more speculation-y: After Kazui missed Kotoko's attack last time, I would hope that the prisoners have some sort of Kazui-alert system to ensure he wouldn't be so late to a surprise attack again that could be used if Amane comes after them too
Whilst Jackalope states it was Shidou's treatments that saved Mahiru directly after Kotoko's attacks
When it came to Shidou telling Es about the threat to Mahiru's life, the topic was her mental health
Mahiru's innocent verdict will affirm her ideas about love and probably give her some more willpower
Will it be enough to protect her if Amane attacks her? I don't know!
But the sad truth is we are already aboard the pain train. We are trying to play 4D chess with a pigeon determined to knock our favourite pieces off the board.
There's a lot of factors we can't account for, Kotoko for example, if voted guilty may not attack anyone or maybe she'll attack Haruka and Muu (or any other guilties) because she still sees them as injustice or maybe she'll attack the innocents because she can no longer trust our judgement of who committed injustice.
We can't even confidently say what a T2 guilty looks like yet, so far two prisoners are voted guilty. Haruka is a seemingly bedridden hikikomori meanwhile Muu seems completely unaffected. We have no idea what'll happen with them until it does and how it'll affect the rest of this mess.
The only thing we have power over is a single, overly binary choice: To forgive or not forgive
And personally, I don't think Shidou or Mahiru is worth the continued punishment of a 12 year old. (idk why you're voting though so no offense if you think differnetly but I hope this was a good perspective)
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Apologies for the repeat ask, I just think mine got lost in all the others and now that you're answering asks I just wanted to try again so please ignore the first one if you manage to find it (again, really sorry if this bothers you and thanks for taking the time to read all of this). First off, I absolutely adore this AU!!!! I love how dark and angst-filled it is and the toxic relationships and the characterizations as a whole are so brilliantly well-done. You manage to draw me deeper and deeper into this twisted fiction with you and your co-writters masterful ideas and art. Not to mention how refreshing and relieving it is to be able to enjoy all of this angst without having to worry about if the individual(s) behind this truly feel that those kinds of relationships work that way (ie. romanticises/normalises it). All in all, thank you so much for all the time and effort you and your co-writors have put into this, it's greatly appreciated and I can't wait to see more!!!
P.S. I feel like Hateful Ever After by Ellise as well as a bunch of her other songs plus Paparazzi by Lady Gaga work really well in encompassing the vibes Addams Leosagi gives off. Maybe some of Upsahl, Will Wood and Confetti (especially Rob a Bank) songs for Addams Mikey too?
Thank you gain for taking the time to read this huge text dump and I hope you have a wonderful day(s)/week(s)/month(s)/year(s) because you deserve it and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise!!
No worries!!!!! I see every ask I get, I just have like. The lowest social battery ever, and for some reason asks are included in that (yeah, idk either) so I don't answer often. Your words are so, completely, absolutely screamed and fawned over.
We love dark themes and it's nice to see that you agree!!!!! All the dynamics and stuff are always so fun to work on and flesh out, how toxic relationships manifest in loads of different ways and how to portray that correctly. Labor of love, for sure!!!! Sad that some people do romanticize or normalize it, but all there is to do is be better then they are, yk?
Thank you for your kind words!!!!!! They are so so appreciated, you don't even know!!! We have lots of stuff in the works, which is so exciting (and nerve-racking, lol).
Now, song reccs!!!! Hell yeah >:]]]]]
For Hateful Ever After, I think the tone is really Leo, but the lyrics hit me over the head with Usagi. Like, Spot on!!!
Don't tell my brother, please // I know he worries about me // Seen I've been losing sleep
The ones who told me all I need to know // But, I can't go back even if I want
Four eyes to watch each other cry // Three lies, you whispered to me that night // Two arms to hold my broken trust // One heart for the both of us
AS FOR PAPARAZZI?????? THE FACT ITS SO LEO *AND* ITS GAGA????? LEO WOULD LOVE GAGA OH MY GOD. LOVED THESE LINES.
I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me
But I won't stop until that boy is mine // Baby, you'll be famous, chase you down until you love me
Look at the past blast, I'ma make you fall on your ass // Suck it up and pacify, but it's irrelevant
As for Mikey, I do love those!!!! ESPECIALLY Rob A Bank (hell, I put it on my OWN playlist, it fucking slaps). I also really like Ghost by Confetti for him too!!!! Confetti just seems to be really good overall LOL
I didn't listen to too many songs by each artist, just some of the first that popped up, but I really loved both Drugs and People I Don't Like by UPSAHL for him too! That's really how Mikey approaches his fame and the people he has to interact with because of it. He's there for the drugs and the party, not for the people. And he's aware they aren't there for HIM, but the connections he can give them.
As for Will Wood, Main Character is SOOOO Mikey. Bro really would call people NPCs LMAOOOO. I loved the line "God forbid I'm seen just as an average human being." That alone definitely made it an insta-add to his playlist :]
GOOD LUCK READING MY TEXT DUMP RIGHT BACK!!!!! HAVE AN AWESOME DAY TOO <333 THANK YOU AGAIN FOR YOUR ASK!!!
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Just some midnight vent art. Some context down below because I need this out of my chest.
Big warning tho, it's a lot of text and if you're going through some hard stuff, I highly recommend not to read it. There's nothing motivating there, just venting
In 2021 I got hospitalized for Anemia. Anemia is caused by a lack of iron in the body, and because of my very strong food selectivity, I dislike a lot of food, including almost all fruits and no vegetables (except potatoes). This is a part of my autism, but I didn't knew that at the moment.
Because of this, I slowly lost all my iron. A normal person would feel very dizzy and probably faint over any kind of physical activity and even have a heart attack if pushed too far (and also if their anemic state is very bad), but I was asymptomatic, which means I didn't had any symptoms of it, which made it impossible for my parents and doctors to tell something was wrong with me. This is why my Anemia wasn't noticed for 4 months, and yes it was bad back then.
On January, me and my family went to a far away place to watch some waterfalls. We had to walk a lot, and I mean A LOT. I remember feeling really tired and that the air was heavy, but I couldn't do anything really. Doctors said my heart should not have resisted the physical effort and I should've got a heart attack, but for some reason I didn't, and I just kept going.
Then, we skip all the way to 4 days before I got hospitalized, on March.
I was in gym class. We were doing some running from cone 1 to cone 2 and so on. We could take a break for a couple seconds after getting to cone 2 and then we should get back to cone 1. Gotta say, we also had other activities before that one, but I only remember this one honestly, but have that in mind because I was already tired from before.
It was my and other 4 childrens' turn to run to the cones. I, ofc, was the last one to get there, and I while running my stomach was hurting really bad because of my breathing. My sweat was cold and my lungs could not hold for much longer (or at least that's how it felt). I finally got to the cone. I usually would not lay down because I was embarrased to do it in front of my classmates, but I was so tired I didn't cared about that and just layed on the grass.
I close my eyes. I breath. I feel the warm sun hitting me and the noise surrounding me disappeared. All I could hear were the birds. I opened my eyes and saw them in the sky. I felt very calm, for once. It felt like I spent a lot of time just looking at the sky, but it really were just some seconds.
After I got hospitalized and I was saved (all while I was concious and awake), the doctor, red haired woman, came to me amd my mom, and told me with a straight face:
"I don't know how are you here. You did gymnastics on Thursday, your heart should had not be able to handle it"
I remembered that moment in gym class again. That would had been the perfect moment for me to die. Why I didn't die? Why my body refused to die? How? How it managed to survive without ANY iron for 4 months straight without even a symptom until the very end?
Funny, butt this reminds me of that line Mike says on Fnaf Sister Location:
"I should be dead, but i'm not"
I should be dead too, and now I have been trying to....end, what the anemia started. It's really hard rn, I don't want to go to school tomorrow, I don't want to wake up tomorrow.
All I want is wake up in that place. The olace i've drew myself in before. Where the birds fly without a care. I want to be like those birds, but life isn't fair ig.
oh and about the drawings, if something shows up in the drawings that I didn't mentioned here it's probably because my emotions were drawing at that moment, like, idk how to explain it but I just draw it without too much thought?, it feels so weird
#idk if I should out a tw on this#and if yes then which one?#death implied? i have no idea#im so desperate for attention and help i swear#vent post#vent#tw sui ideation#sorry if this is too much information out of nowhere#but i'm feelin terrible rn I hooe you all can understand#tho it's probably getting ignored aside from maybe danny lol#OMG I JUST REALIZED THE PICTURES SENT WRONG UGHHHH I WANNA KMS
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They're mourning doves. We have lovely new mourning dove neighbors. One of them stays perched over our screen door, she doesn't flutter away when I come and go; she cocks her head and stares at me every time. I speak softly to her whenever I see her. Good morning. I'll be on my way.
Work is fine. My two immediate coworkers are still lovely. The other coworker is still frustrating.
It's really making me dread going to work, especially when my coworker M isn't there; he doesn't say anything to me in front of her, only on the days when she isn't working. That leads me to further believe that he's intentionally messing with me. She believes me, of course- she even told me that he'd done this to another employee a few years ago, and they quit out of frustration. She's actually pretty mad about it. It's kind of nice to have someone angry on my behalf. This is the first workplace where someone has been mean to me, and it isn't being brushed under the rug, so that's good at least. I asked her not to say anything yet, because I'm hoping I can try to resolve it myself.
My plan? The next time he snarks at me, or makes a rude comment, or micromanages, I'm just going to...say something. I've been practicing different things I can say. None of them are rude in turn, just firm and polite. If saying something doesn't work...or if I freeze again and just take it...I'll have to bring it to the owners.
The problem is, I think he's been particularly mean to be because I told the owners once before. He didn't get in trouble or anything like that; if anything, the owners seemed surprised, like they thought I had misinterpreted his behavior. They both told me they thought he was very nice and sweet. I agreed that he had the capacity to be so; part of why his actions had been disorienting was that we had been on good terms for months! We would chat, we were chill, then one day, his demeanor changed. I looked back into our last normal conversations to make sure I didn't say anything off, but to my knowledge, it feels like it happened for no reason.
I guess their comments do sound like it was being brushed under the rug after all, but M is fierce, and said she won't like it slide again. It...feels nice to have someone in my corner. She makes me feel protected, which is something I've very rarely felt.
I'm just afraid that if I try to resolve the situation, and it gets worse...I have issues with this job, but it's also very flexible, and I'm good at the work. I don't think I could find another job in the industry like this. The nature is laid back- or was, I guess- and I just don't think I can adjust to a new job in a new place with its own problems...not again, at least.
My ideal situation would be not having to work for a living in the first place. I'm tired all the time. I have so much I want to do that I just can't. All my hobbies during the week are self-care focused so I don't burn out. It leaves very little time to write or draw. I run, I stretch, because I know the exercise helps me regulate, but then the exercise takes me out, too. I feel like I spent every weekend doing very little to compensate.
I feel like that art piece...that machine that's constantly trying to sweep up its own oil spill. There's just always Something. I'm floundering to hold myself together, it takes constant effort. Regulating myself feels like a second full time job.
I've been having bad dreams about a different place I worked, where something similar to this happened. It started with comments and rude remarks. Then it turned into physical threats and genuine bullying. My boss at that time didn't believe me. It turned so hostile I had to quit. I just don't want that to happen again.
It's going to sound so self-pitying, but I don't know what it is about me that causes this to happen. I never tell people I'm autistic anymore because it leads to bad things, but it seems like people are just able to tell. I've gotten singled out to be bullied at every place I've ever worked, every year in school...
I think it's my looks, too. I look a bit strange. I have huge eyes, and a very small mouth, round cheeks- my nose was broken as a kid, so it's got a permanent tilt. I look awkward. I've always been told so. If I was attractive, I think I could get away with my oddities. The fact that I'm awkward and weird looking? Nuh-uh.
Anyways, I've got to get ready for work. So...we'll see how that goes. I really don't want to go today. Augh!
#journal#vent#long post#just had to get some work stress off my chest!!#but I wanted to talk about the mourning dove first.
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I used to take meds back then from autumn 2018 to autumn 2019. They were helping with paranoia, hyperactivity, impulsivity, anger issues, delusions, panic attacks, etc, you get the drill. They had good effects, such as me having been rather calm (to the point people were joking about how nothing could ever anger or scare me, lol), as well as more focused on writing or drawing things more than I've ever been in my life. But also they've made me so sleepy that I basically barely finished my last uni year when dozing off at every class, and I had a hard time providing the engaged, invested, "nerdy" conversations on every other topic like I do. I just quit them because not only being sleepy ALL the time would not let me work a job normally, but I also started to worry that I've been losing myself as a person. I was just so... detached and boring in conversations while medicated? Like you guys here know me as a person who is chronically like this:
But when I was medicated, it was far not this way. I was giving like... kinda tame and normie responses and thoughts, still excited but not TOO excited, etc. I am surprised that even while being a total slug on meds, I still had it in me to start fearing of losing my "eyes on the inside" xd
But I've been just thinking about stuff recently. I still loathe it when it is being handled like "you are a dangerous harmful monster that doesn't deserve compassion and trust and should be exciled from society", obvs, but the problem itself exists. I am kinda too intense, too much, too impulsive, my mood can drastically flicker within a second and flicker back just as fast. And I am paranoid. This year I even exhausted another paranoid person with being worse at it than them :/ (it always reminds me of a dream I had once, where Mic0lash of all people told me that I was "too crazy" for him fdshfh xD) I am extremely blessed to have friends and simply familiar people who accept and love me the way I am, but I am really starting to think that maybe I should delve back into it. That maybe something was wrong with the meds or the dose I used to be taking and I should try again. It is just really strange that being healthier would be able to "ruin" my passionate, nerdy, engaged personality. I've always been 'over the top' with how I think and with my creativity, even before any mental illness showed up, so sure it is just me and not any sort of positive symptom...? Like, clearly this is just my autism, not one of those other "mental illness" guys?
Well, all this talk is just in the scenario if I get enough financial stability to be able to afford monthly repackaging of meds. I am just having second thoughts on whether it is really a choice with no good option, and that maybe that previous doctor just made a mistake with prescriptions (could happen with anyone, even a professional). Or maybe I needed to demand trying something else but didn't. And I just assumed that "meds are a diabolic device to destroy a creative, nonconforming brain" (notice how it itself sounds a bit like a paranoid delusion, so clearly those meds were not quite helping with it lol). Not gonna lie, I am still scared that being calmer will kill the "real me", but at this point pain, paranoia and anger keep chopping away from my days and from my good experiences. And I can't control it.
But maybe I just should not have expected to hit the right way instantly, some people try out different meds for years before they find something that genuinely makes life better. Like maybe I got scared of how things have changed and gave up too soon, when I should have like, bugged doctor to try something else. I just want to believe that I don't have to choose between "being nerdy and engaged" and "stopping having panic/anger attacks that quite literally make me lose my mind". At least I gather enough optimism and benefit of the doubt to consider delving into it again, so there is something..
#personal#mental health#mental illness#not gonna lie guys paranoia is a really hard thing to seek help with#because yes if you are wondering it can get as bad as me believing that people who try to help are 'enemies'#like i can't even describe how REAL even the worst assumptions feel#i suppose i am having a small window of 'sanity' because early fall always cheers me up#i am describing this sort of thing more vaguely since you need to be at least lvl 5 friend to unlock the details fsjd#but i think it is pretty clear especially if anybody here has/had similar problems#at least if i crawl from the current debt pit i know where to put money that come above the bare minimum line lol
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I hope this is okay to ask or isn't too weird. I was wondering some things about the way you do art, cause I kinda started drawing stuff again. I am still not too experienced, so I guess I am wondering if what I experience is normal
Do you often have to look at a reference to draw what you want to draw?
Are you able to draw directly from your mind's eye?
Or maybe memory of how the movements go or something?
I've kinda only been trying to copy something I see in front of me. Like, a photo or a screenshot from anime.
I'm a bit scared to try to draw something without having something to look at to compare it to, but I don't know how normal that is.
I feel like drawing just from your mind's eye would be hard
Have you done it before or do it a lot? Or drawn stuff with no reference?
Is drawing from your mind's eye something that gets easier over time?
Thank you in advance if you choose to answer!
Hey there!
I’m actually very happy to receive this ask and will gladly answer!
I’m proud of you for taking the path to art again. It can be challenging, I’d know of.
Let me start with this. There’s nothing wrong with looking at a reference when drawing something. Actually, it’s quite helpful not only to show you how a certain thing should look like/be posed but also you get to learn from it. Let’s say anatomy. There’s no way you can draw a body without references at all unless you’ve already got experience beforehand. But to gain experience you’d likely look up references of let’s say arms, legs, torso, etc, and study every angle and curve to get it right.
Let me share my experience with references.
I have drawn from my imagination and memory and I’ve also used references. And I’ve always done some fun little things that help me with the positions I’m going for. For example, I find hands to be the most difficult to draw. Kagami, you’re amazing at it. And here’s this, a good portion of the hands in my art that you see are drawn by using a reference of my own hands. I take photos in the mirror as I pose my hands, making them look as dramatic as possible if I need to. And then I kind of play with my art, see if it matches what I’m going for. Other times, if I am not feeling like going full Seto Kaiba with my hands in the mirror I look up hand and arm poses to get inspiration from. Photos of real people help too.
And, of course, I always have at least one official art of the character to look at as I draw. At times I forget to draw certain details if I go by memory.
Today for example I had trouble with distance proportions. So, I do happen to get frustrated when things don’t look right to me. You are your own worst critic. I have Body-kun, a grey figurine that I can pose. It’s specially made to help with poses. I believe it could aid with full-body poses. Just to help you visualize them and that way you don’t have to rely just on your imagination and references. And also because you may not find references that exactly fit what you’re imagining.
Drawing from your mind’s eye does get easier over time as you keep practicing. You will naturally know what looks right and what doesn’t. But don’t worry if you struggle with it. Every artist ever has gone through that path. You don’t have to draw everything perfectly from scratch. Take it as a fun challenge. Let’s see how this will turn out as. It might not be exactly how you envisioned it but that’s okay. You made the effort. As you keep practicing you will notice your improvement. And give yourself praise for how far you’ve come.
I hope this helps you! If you have any more questions feel free to ask.
Have lots of fun drawing!
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14 and 15
WARNING THIS WILL BE VERY RANTY
Sorry this took a bit to answer haha, I was thinking about these ones for a little bit and I wanted to be able to type it out on my laptop because this may be long(and my laptop is slow). This will be a pretty heavy one.
So lets start with 14 -sigh-
TW rac*sm, h*m*phobia, ped*philia, r*pe, inc*st.
I'm sure this isn't unpopular, but my opinion about the fandom is it's pretty bad. Of course I love most of the users on here and have overall been very pleasant to interact with, but the issues are very overwhelming and become more apparent on the Reddit. You can say, it's just the Reddit, but I've seen these issues on Instagram, Twitter, and pretty much everywhere else. Some of the major issues are homophobia, racism, and the very concerning amount of pedophilia jokes/normalization.
So let's start with the homophobia portion.
As I'm sure everyone has experienced sometime in the fandom, there is an overwhelming amount of homophobia within the fandom. Let's take GenoSai for an instant. Whether like the ship or not, there is definitely a double standard among the fandom. Art where the ship is Genoko(Genos genderbend) x Saitama, it is perfectly fine and little heads are turned, but as soon as you mention Genos x Saitama, everyone goes batshit. They like to say it's because "ships don't belong in the fandom" but then turn around and ship Saitama and Tatsumaki or Saitama and Fubuki. They even go as far as to say "making them gay is disrespectful to the character or it ruins them". I'm sorry but if you're that delusional, I don't even know what to say honestly. Certain users got up and arms about the Batarou ship as of late after the reveal of Kiro in 170. Many users were sent unprovoked abhorrent asks or comments all because they ship them. Some have also downplayed the fact that bisexuality exists as well because of this, just stating "Garou isn't gay" or "Garou doesn't like men". There have been some that have written amazing essays on it so I won't go too deep into it here. Another thing is the downplay of LGBT voices in the fandom. They constantly harass LGBT users for having gay ships or other LGBT ships, when all we literally want is representation. It angers me when they say "well you have Puri Prisoner" and I'm sorry, but fuck that. I literally hate the character. They have no right to speak over us and preach what an acceptable character to represent the community is. No right at all...
Anyways... back to double standards, lesbian ships are more accepted because they are fetishizing them. Some of the most popular are Psykos x Fubuki, Fubuki x Do-S, and...ugh...Fubuki x Lily. So they ignore a literal 14 year old and 23 year old and think it's okay but somehow two consenting male adults in a relationship is worse??? Same thing with incestual relationships such as Fubuki x Tatsumaki.
A smaller section is the way they excuse Darkshine. I understand the intention may not have meant to be racist, but at the end of the day we can't keep excusing it. I feel awful when I remember his backstory because he's not a bad character, in the sense that he's a good guy.
Ah the pedophilia jokes and the normalization. I can't tell you how many times I've seen really disgusting jokes about the child characters in sexual situations. The thing is, they aren't even funny. As mentioned before, they already normalize the relationship between a 14 year old and someone she looks up to, who is 23. Well, let's dive into their favorite thing, One Hurricane. There is a volume of this lovely series , I say sarcastically, in which Child Emperor( a 10 year old) is raped by Fubuki (yet again, a 23 year old) and I sadly laid my eyes on a panel. Fubuki is sexually assaulted by Saitama multiple times throughout the series as well as Do-s in one volume. They still celebrate the series as "so good" when it literally excuses rape ad pedophilia. It pisses me off so bad. There are many users who draw or post incest, pedophilia, rape and are celebrated. It's sad I can think of so many off the top of my head, BY NAME.
I have some other things I want to talk about but the post is getting long...
I'll do a briefing of things I don't like about the manga itself. I don't like the way Kama is treated, she's way too beautiful to be presented the way she is. Especially in the webcomic when her name was "Slicing Shemale". I understand that there is apparently some translation issues, but sometimes I wonder.
I already talked about Darkshine and Puri.
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🍁 OOC lore dump 🍁
I've got some Sylvia lore for y'all and I need ya to be ready for it cuz it's a LOT
So I've been thinking about all this (my thoughts are very organized rn I promise) and I've got lots of lil tidbits!!
So here's a bit about the two behind it all (mainly one of the sinners)
As we all know, Sylvia was created, not born. She also never died.
She was just.. there lmfao
The two sinners that created her are named Derek and Roman (I plan on drawing em soon)
Derek is a bit more experienced with voodoo than Roman so he was the one who messed up and made Sylvia alive.
Roman is kind of the mastermind behind it all though.
Roman has had beef with Alastor in the past. He wants to be an overlord and he believes taking down Alastor and gaining power in that way is the only way to do it.
Alastor could care less because Roman isn't anywhere near as powerful as he is but I digress.
Roman is also kinda in kahoots with Vox but not entirely.
Roman and Derek met at a bar one night. Derek is a bit more powerful than Roman in a dark magic sense, but not as experienced because he doesn't really interact with people.
Though he and Roman kinda hit it off, and Roman kinda took Derek in as his right hand man.
The only reason though is because Roman knew Derek had abilities that he could use to his advantage.
So imagine how pissed Roman was after Sylvia was brought to life.
Roman is also the cause of most of the physical and verbal abuse Sylvia endured for the short amount of time she was there.
Now I'm gonna dump about Sylvia because ye!
Sylvia is a peaceful little demon.
The idea of hurting or killing people does not and never will sit right with her.
She's spoken out about this too. It's not something she feels okay with.
She respects Charlie a lot because they kind of share this belief.
Though Sylvia has hurt people before, albeit on accident.
Being so young, she doesn't know how to control a lot of her powers.
She's only able to control radio frequencies like Alastor, and she's able to bring dolls to life.
Which I will get to don't worry. I'll get to all her powers in a bit.
When Sylvia was created, she didn't know what was going on at all.
She was thrown around and yelled at and threatened. She was terrified.
She'd just gained consciousness and she was being treated like this.
Sylvia thinks that this is a normal thing. It's never once been explained to her that most people in Hell aren't created in such a way. She's never been told what she went through is not normal, nor is it okay.
Sylvia goes through life thus far thinking this is normal and everyone just eventually grows up and accepts it. Some even embrace it.
Which is also why she hates the idea of other's being hurt or killed.
She will always associate hurting/killing with her own traumatic experience because no one's told her it's incorrect thus far.
Granted, she's never brought these feelings up, so no one's had a reason to tell her.
Its a small way her and Alastor differ though.
While Alastor is an absolute psychopath (/affectionate haha) and enjoys seeing people suffer, Sylvia is a pacifist and a genuine sweetheart who hates it when people so much as cry because she wants to make sure everyone is okay.
Which is kinda not a good trait in Hell.
Sinners hurt. Sinners kill. Sinners are fucking monsters and they're ruthless and they crave violence like all the time because it's Hell and they already lost everything. They have nothing else to lose, so why not embrace it?
There's quite literally nothing Sylvia can do about it, and her having such an empathetic trait in this place is extremely dangerous.
Alastor knows this as well.
HEHE POWERS AND ANGST TIME! Here's what we know so far (aka what I've all come up with so far)
I'm going to split this up into a few sections, so this first is gonna talk about her radio powers and her doll powers.
Like all demons, Sylvia has a demonic form. I'll get to it though.
Sylvia is also, again, able to control radio frequencies. She can emit music and static. The static often comes out when she's under a lot of stress, or anger, or pain - basically negative emotions are easily spotted with her because her static gives it away.
The level of emotion determines the volume and intensity of the static noises.
Also! Memories can be heard with her! She practically broadcasts them. Whether she's daydreaming or reminiscing or having flashbacks, if you're close enough you can actually hear it!
Though with memories and flashbacks, the quality of it depends on how well she remembers it.
If she remembers a stroll in Hell with her father a few weeks ago, the ambiance of the street and the conversation they had can be heard quite well!
Though if it's something like when she was first created, then not so much.
Sylvia doesn't really completely remember all of what happened. So when she flashes back to it, the yelling and smashing of objects and all that is quite distorted and garbled.
Think of a radio that can't quite reach a certain frequency. You can kinda hear the music, but it sounds far away and distorted and almost unrecognizable.
Now just think of that, but with yells. Terrifying, genuine rage filled yells.
That's slightly unsettling, isn't it?
Now!! She has good control over one of her powers.
Which happens to be bringing dolls to life, though not in a way she was.
Her dolls stay dolls. Her dolls are unable to talk, but they can make these cute little chirping sounds.
Think of the sound Niffty made when she was first summoned, and that's what Sylvia's dolls sound like.
No one can understand what the dolls are saying with their chirps except Sylvia. And the dolls know this. So with others, they use body language to try and communicate.
Which is quite silly to think about. Tiny little dollies playing charades with someone.
Her dolls also kinda work like voodoo, but on her.
She feels what they do, both physically and mentally.
There are three main dolls that Sylvia use. Evangeline, Marianne and Argos.
All the dolls use it/its pronouns even though they look like and have names that correspond to a certain gender.
Sylvia actually let the dolls decide their names and pronouns.
After all, she decided her own! And that felt kind of nice!
Evangeline was Sylvia's first. First doll she got, first doll that came to life, all that. So Sylvia has a stronger bond with it!
Evangeline is the only one Sylvia can actually "tune" her senses into.
She often sends Evangeline to eavesdrop or spy on others, and when she does, she kinda tunes out of her own mind and into Evangeline's.
Sylvia gains the ability to see and hear EVERYTHING Evangeline does.
Marianne is one of her more cautious dolls. It takes after Sylvia's caring personality, so Sylvia often sends it to check on others and make sure their doing okay.
If someone is going on a walk, Marianne is often perched on their head or resting in their bag.
It gives both Marianne and Sylvia a sense of security. A sense of knowing what's going on.
But if something goes wrong and Marianne feels it, Sylvia does too. The bad part is she doesn't get to see ot hear what's happening.
If Marianne is feeling anxious, Sylvia knows something is wrong and feels almost helpless because she can't do anything at all.
Argos is one of Sylvia's newer dolls, and Sylvia protects it with her life.
Mainly because Argos has only one eye, which makes it harder for the lil cutie to see.
The amount of times it's bumped into walls is concerning.
Argos, though, is extremely smart.
It makes sure to let any of the grown ups know if something happens.
Sylvia mainly sends it to make sure Atlas (@silly-goat-demon) is alright, since he tends to overwork himself.
This was mainly a thing Sylvia wanted to do for her dad.
All three of those dolls represent parts of Sylvia's personality.
Evangeline is Sylvia's inquisitive and curious nature.
Marianne is Sylvia's caring and cautiousness.
Argos is Sylvia's cleverness and more mature nature, even though it's the more recent of the three dolls to come into Sylvia's possession.
Now we get to talk about her demonic form and how it ties in with Alastor, Roman and Derek (because it will tie in)
So when Sylvia experiences any sort of trigger, her fight or flight kicks in big time.
This causes something in her to shift and she turns into a more demonic version of herself.
The demonic version is more impulsive and reckless. She's more aggressive, but it's out of fear.
She's essentially like a scared dog that only bites and attacks because it feels threatened or in danger.
Often times the triggers are any sort of loud noises, or bad nightmares.
She's transformed into this demonic form in public before, and Roman has seen it.
Roman knows she has the ability to hurt if he's able to get a hold of her and use her.
He wants to be able to make her demonic form come out, and use that against Alastor. If he manages to yoink her away from Alastor and purposefully trigger her, he'd be able to cause Alastor pain.
Sylvia is no where near as strong as any demon in Hell, though she can hold her own.
Roman is an asshole. He doesn't care if she's a literal child. He just wants that power Alastor has. If he gets Sylvia, he not only gets to hurt Alastor physically, but also emotionally.
One is more impulsive and reckless when they let their emotions show. Alastor and Sylvia both know this better than anyone, so if and when his daughter gets taken, Roman knows for a fact it'll be a bit easier to get to Alastor.
So yeah that presents a new challenge in this silly little timeline!
Andddd that's it! I plan on using this account more because Sylvia is one of my more unique OCs and I think she's got more to her than I let on. And I know I said I'd reveal this all through asks but I am impatient! I'm also on new ADHD meds today and my thoughts are very organized right now (/gen) so I wanted to get all of this down before I forgot.
That being said this will be linked in the pinned post for anyone who wants to refer to it when asking questions or potentially roleplaying with Sylvia! I hope yall find this useful or interesting!!
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You are currently one of my favorite DMC writers! I love re-reading your stuff because it always puts me in a good, comfy mood! I just adore how you portray casual intimacy, too. It just seems so gentle and natural. I also love your portrayal of the boys. They always feel like they have a depth and soul to them, which is amazing!
Thank you so much for sharing your gift and your creativity! While I'll always eagerly look forward to your next piece, know that your older works are still regarded fondly 💖
And here I am today, 2 a.m, Carnaval going hard in Brazil, sitting here and smiling stupidly while re-reading your message.
Thank you very very much, anon. From the bottom of my heart.
I've read your wonderful message the day you sent it, I think it was earlier this week - maybe Tuesday...? I couldn't answer it before, but it came right in a day when all hell broke loose in my home and this made me smile so much. It really felt like a safe port.
I'm not gonna get into too much detail because it's very personal - but, you know, family fights. Between all my mom's siblings, involving lawsuits and home evictions threats. I was just fucking fuming the whole week, and I almost put on my full Axl Rose attire and side of my personality to literally drop-kick and suplex some 6ft tall man built like a brick house because someone has to put some sense in his head.
I'm starting to sound like Nero
To top it all, this gave the opportunity for someone in my family who abused the hell out of me for more than 10 years to come back like a freakin' death omen.
I did end up going to therapy dressed up as Axl Rose for Carnaval, but it's so close to my usual style no one noticed it. I count as a life-win.
I still don't know what I'm feeling, (I talked to my therapist, don't worry) but that fucking threw me off everything. I don't know what to do about this, about this person, I'm scared and angry at the same time - and I got so SO overwhelmed, I had to get away from everything.
Social media, exercising, drawing, writing, reading, just living like a normal human being. The only thing I've been able to do is listening to music, because music has always been my safespace.
The only way I could explain how I'm feeling to my therapist, is a scene from a Julia Roberts movie, where she forged her own death to get away from her abusive husband, only to be found in the end by him and have him go like 'you're never going to get rid of me' and the fucking horror in her reaction - that's it. That's the feeling.
I have this dreadful feeling that I'm never gonna be rid of that, of all that abuse I want to leave in the past, until this person dies or I die.
Amidst all that, along came your message in my inbox. It felt like a ray of light in a dark stormy skies. A glimpse of hope that things can be better and that people are good. That I can have that experience as well.
Whenever I write about some more sensitive subjects, I hope it can be seen as a safespace for people - right now, for instance, my survival instincts that have always been alert have gone berserk, and the gods know how much I needed to feel safe enough to hug someone and ask for protection.
Vergil is ominously standing in the distance, staring back with the resolve of Achilles in the field of battle to get Hector's ass
I don't have that, but I can have it through fanfiction with characters, I think, would understand it. And I hope I can give the very same thing to other people who also don't have that sort of support and need to find it somewhere else.
I'm happy to know my writing has the good, comfy vibes I always try to convey! Despite the death, blood and dismemberment
And I wrote all of this so you can understand how thankful I am - and how much your kindness and nice words are so much needed in this world.
So, once again, thank you. Very very much.
#polaris speaks#polaris answers#answered asks#anon ask#asks#it feels weird#talking about feelings#but ya know it's good to do it#have to remember that#I'm also being very vague 'cause I'm scared as hell the person I'm talking about reads it#they don't know I have this blog#they don't know it's me#but I'm so not taking any chances#I am SO happy I never shared this with anyone in my family#anyway#I am very thankful for the kind words#this anon message really held me together this week#my little chaotic axl rose ass with anger management issues hahahaha#is very thankful and pleased while listening to chaotic music :)
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like idk their personality what they look like their motives/views? I'm just curious lol
So, first things first. Shockingly, I've actually posted... basically all of my recent art! I normally RARELY post my art on Tumblr, but I've bene in a sharing mood as of late and have been posting things only a few hours after I finish them, so there's honestly... not much new I can post since the only thing that hasn't been posted is a WIP that I'm already planning on posting when it's done (And it is Not in a state I'm ready to post it lol). THAT SAID! I'm gonna talk about Scarlet because she's got art I haven't posted here before <3 Everything's below the cut, because I anticipate this being... very long and rambly. Whoops lol <3
(Note: I put this in a word counter after writing it. It's over 2.3k words. Apologies for being unable to write in anything shorter than an essay)
Normally I don't post anything that's not completely finished, and while the "main" drawing of her is finished in the sense I'm not going back to add to it further, it hasn't been properly colored or lined, it's just cleaned up sketches, so I haven't posted it before. It's a good few months old and it shows, but it's honestly fine lol. The icon is from earlier this week however, I just typically don't post the icons on their own, since I've made a ton of them and also showed them off in the relationship web I posted last week (Which honestly I will probably post again once a few more OCs have their icons made and added properly)
Scarlet's from the Octarian domes, specifically one that hosts a decently large amount of residential areas, and has two younger sisters, Crimson and Ruby. Scarlet's around ~24, Crimson's ~21, and Ruby's ~17, and they're all quite close growing up, with Scarlet very much embracing her role as the oldest of the bunch and always sticking by them. In fact, it's her desire to be close with her sisters that essentially ends what was a promising career as a weapons engineer for her early. Weapons engineering is a very prestigious role, and Scarlet's both incredibly interested in it and also genuinely very good at it, but due to how highly it's regarded, it also means she'd be unable to be around her sisters anymore, as she'd be too busy with training and working in other domes and with other engineers, so she ends up leaving weapons engineering behind, and instead just trains as a regular soldier.
Even with her staying in a more average position, she's still very talented, and she fairly quickly ascends through the ranks and ends up as an Elite and assigned her own squad to lead, stationed out in the outskirts of the dome she grew up in. Despite her rank as an Elite however, she keeps the traditional red coloration that's typically only for lower ranked soldiers, both as it's a shared family color, and her squad all respect her enough that she doesn't feel she needs to conform very strictly to the hierarchy for colors to have them recognize her as in charge.
Through her own request, Crimson, who's just a regular soldier, is part of her squad, and while their job is considered very important, as they guard the exits between the domes and the surface, it's still... very boring. There's really nothing around, and most of their days are just... patrolling, finding nothing, going back to camp. It's a very soulsucking job for her in all honesty, a lot of the glamor that draws people in to the military life is just... nonexistent. It's miserable and she's achieving nothing. She stays where she is, she wants to be there with Crimson, and she gets to stay, while not really... in contact with Ruby, as there's no cell service all the way out where they are, but close enough to Ruby that if there was some family emergency, she'd be able to get home quickly to be there with her. At this point, she's just counting the days until she's able to quit, or at the very least, take an extended break to go back home and feel like a person again.
It's on one of her patrols, however, that she ends up running into May. She'd gotten the command to stay alert for some teenage runaways that'd escaped police capture a few months prior, but, unbeknownst to her, May was one of them. While she'd never really known May specifically, she'd been the childhood best friend of Ruby, so Scarlet knew her from all the time that Ruby had spent with her, and all that she talked of her. She'd already been feeling miserable and disillusioned with her life as a soldier at this point, and the realization that this fugitive she'd been keeping an eye out for was a kid she personally knows, and knows wouldn't be a runaway for no reason, is just another moment of question for her.
May doesn't really recognize her at first, with it having been years since Scarlet had actually been home, but once Scarlet calls her by name, May remembers her, and pleads to not be taken back home. Scarlet, while not knowing her exact motives for running away, definitely empathizes in that moment, as someone who's tired of the miserable state they're living in, and she also just can't sit idly by watching a homeless teen beg to be given even the slightest mercy. She tells May she's not going to turn her in, and instead invites her to sit down and just talk with her. Neither have had any new company in months at this point, so she figures it'll benefit them both.
Their conversation goes well, and while May isn't willing to talk about the circumstances that've lead to her being on the run, they both are very clearly able to recognize themselves in each other. In the end, Scarlet knows she can't just let a homeless teen go hungry, and tells May to meet her out there the next day at the same time, and that she'll give her some of her rations for that day to hopefully help out a bit. May's still a little unsure, especially since she doesn't like to stay in one place for too long, as well as the fact she's still trying to find her way to the surface, but she's not really in a position where she feels she can deny a safe, reliable food source, so she agrees.
It's, of course, at their next meeting that Scarlet notices May barely picking at the food she's brought. It's at this point Scarlet realizes that May's not just one of the runaways she'd heard about, but that she's the one who's known to be traveling with a kid. May hadn't wanted to actually talk about it before, as her little sister, June, stays behind at their temporary camp for her own safety while May goes out scavenging for food and looking for a way out, but this only further pushes Scarlet into wanting to help her. She already felt like she had a moral obligation to help May before, but now knowing she's also got a kid with her means Scarlet absolutely can not and will not let them go without her help, at least as much as she can offer.
Scarlet ends up going from giving half of her own days food rations, to stealing from the food supply, as well as grabbing some spare clothes, to make sure May and June have enough to eat and take care of themselves a bit better than they were before. Ultimately, her squad can always request more supplies, but May and June aren't in a position to help themselves like she can. This, however, does not go unnoticed. Her squad notices the lessened rations, and ask her what she thinks is happening. She insists it must be a sea slug, or at least some kind of animal that got into their food supplies, it's happened before, it's fine, they can just go ask for backup, don't worry about it. For the most part, her squad accepts her dismissal of the topic. They do find it weird, but ultimately, Scarlet has never been one to do anything like this before, and the long time away from home has been weighing on everyone, so it's most likely just stress getting to her.
Crimson notices, though. She also notices Scarlet's retreat from their usual nightly chats, instead opting to go on "destress walks", or "extra patrols", excuses varying from night to night. Scarlet's dismissal of the issue, her increasing time spent away from camp, and her lessened time spent with her all eventually push Crimson into stalking her on one of her times out of camp, and watches from a distance as Scarlet actively betrays her squad and her duties as a soldier to hide, feed, and protect a fugitive runaway. Crimson absolutely loses it, jumping out from her hiding place and revealing herself to have seen everything, and tells Scarlet she needs to hand May over now. Scarlet just can't do it. She hesitates before telling Crimson she won't, not because she's hesitating in her decision, but because she's scared of admitting it. She doesn't want to live this life, where a scared, homeless teenager and her little sister are expected to instantly be arrested and turned in, where they guard the exit to somewhere they're constantly told is hostile to them, yet have spent all of this time and never seen a proper enemy soldier. She's not going to turn May in for the crime of wanting to leave. And then Crimson attacks her
Scarlet wasn't sure how Crimson was going to react, but it certainly wasn't what she was expecting, as Crimson ends up pulling out a pocket knife she'd been carrying, and fully intends to seriously harm her. Scarlet's caught entirely off guard, and the fight goes very poorly for her, especially considering Scarlet's only weapon was an Octo Shot she didn't have ready, and even if she did, she doesn't want to attack her little sister. Eventually she's able to muster the strength to attack back enough that she gets Crimson off of her, and down long enough for her to take off running. May had bolted the moment the fight broke out, and Scarlet has no idea where she ran off to, but she knows her way out of the domes, having been patrolling the outskirts for this long
It's still over a days walk to the exit before Scarlet is far enough out from her camp that she feels safe enough that she can stop, and really assess the damage Crimson did to her. She's lucky in the sense she'd been carrying some basic first aid supplies on her when everything happened, she always liked having it on her just in case one of her squadmates needed it, but it ends up being enough to prevent her from getting any of her wounds infected. However, the damage is still fairly bad, even if she's able to stop it from getting worse, with Crimson having nearly fully blinded her in one eye, as well as giving her some nasty wounds that eventually scar over. Ultimately, she's lucky she didn't lose the eye entirely, but it's still an absolutely miserable experience regardless.
From there, she makes it to the surface surprisingly easily. She knew the way out, and the exit she took wasn't too far from Inkopolis, so she's able to get there within the month. Her positioning right next to the surface meant she was already required to know some of the Inkling language, so while she's not at all fluent, she's able to get by enough that she's able to pawn off her armor, as well as practically anything that isn't directly necessary to her survival. Her armor specifically is important however, as she wants to get rid of anything that could potentially relate her to being an Octoling soldier, and while she doesn't realize that really no Inklings would think anything of it, she can't risk it. She uses the funds to get herself a place to stay for a while, and is finally able to just rest for a minute.
From there, she actually adjusts surprisingly well to everything on the surface. Her skill with weapon tech is actually in very high demand, as the need for weaponsmiths and repair workers is at an all time high, so she's able to get an apprenticeship at a repair shop in quick time, and not only does it pay well, but she loves the work. While it's not the same as what she was training to do in the military, weapons engineering, she just loves working with weaponry as a whole, and while she doesn't personally play, it's also a reassuring notion for her that she's able to pursue a lifelong passion of hers in a way that isn't actually tied to war and combat, it's all just a silly game everyones playing, there's no actual stakes
It's around two years before she ends up seeing May again, however. After the fight broke out, May ran back to her camp, grabbed June, and just... picked a direction and ran. It took another few months wandering lost before May was actually finally able to make it out, and given how big of a city Inkopolis is, she and Scarlet don't run into each other naturally for quite a long time. They both carry around a lot of guilt surrounding the situation though. Scarlet feels as if she basically just... abandoned May, who was in this desperate situation, and that she should've made more of an effort to look for her before she just left, and May feels like she's responsible for everything that happened to Scarlet. The two meet when May, going in for weapons adjustments to make sure everythings up to date for league regulations for June's first time trying out a game of Turf War, ends up at the shop Scarlet works at. The two are overjoyed to see that they've both settled remarkably well in on the surface, and that they both even made it out in the first place. It alleviates a lot of that guilt for both of them, as while they both end up feeling as though they should've handled the situation differently, this is at least proof neither party ended up worse off afterwards. They're also able to stay in touch after this, which helps them both feel a little less alone as one of only a few dozen Octolings in hiding on the surface.
Ultimately, this is where I stop being able to describe things solely from Scarlet's point of view, as when Crimson reenters the story, there's a lot of extra context that needs to be added as to why everything worked out the way it did, and somehow this has already ended up longer than the time I laid out literally the entire plot of all of my main OCs. Good lord above. I was not joking when I said this would take a long time to write and when I said I'd write a lot.
Sincerely, thank you so much for asking, I do apologize for letting this one... also get out of hand, since this is... a lot of text for anyone to read through, but I do so, so very much appreciate the chance to let myself just kinda shed the feeling of cringe for a moment and just let myself infodump about my OCs lol. Peace and love on planet earth <3
#my OCs#my art#i uh#yeah.#2.3k words.#NEXT AUTISM OC POST WILL BE ABOUT RUBY. I GUARANTEE YOU.#shes the one who's getting art rn thats taking forever but Will Be Posted Eventually.#umm id also like to elaborate on Crimson post-attack at some point. but oh boy she ALSO has a lot going on. so. yknow#autism. moment.#i know ive said it a lot already but still thank you sooo much <3 i really really do appreciate it more than i can express#My own OCs are a special interest for me which is. its hard.#what do you MEAN if i want content of my special interest I HAVE TO MAKE IT MYSELF????#anyways. thank u <3#(id also like to elaborate on June at some point. shes like. Literally one of the ones with the most thought put into-#-yet she has BARELY appeared in my autismposting bc May is more directly plot moving)#the squits
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s2e7 belly of the beast spoilers! rambly rambly thoughts. loved this episode, love this show. sorry, it's very long.
jim, jade and tabitha
CONGRATULATIONS JADE for officially not losing your mind and coming on top of the whole thing. CONDOLENCES to JIM for catching the crazy ball and going full conspiracy theorist now it's him that i'm most worried for. basically what tabitha said. they don't know but they gotta cope with not knowing. i'm glad to see jade and tabitha on the same wavelength about that because from my personal experience i think it's the healthiest mindset you can have in a situation like that. jumping to conclusions like i was saying in my other post is extremely dangerous.
also glad to see jade's first actual contribution to everyday life in the town. hilarious that's gonna be "better alcohol" but awesome that he found something to work on to keep him sane. "i needed a project that wasn't fucking terrifying" i love you jade. your soul is beautiful. also i don't care if i'm grasping at straws but i think victor interrupting him when he was in the middle of his crazy guy skit really helped him stay grounded so he kind of wanted to help tabitha too and that's why he roped her along on his project. like "okay, i'll give you the crazy town lore BUT you gotta do a normal person thing too to balance it out and not lose yourself in this". or maybe he was just lonely and wanted someone to work with him on his project. i've been lowkey shipping them since before they even interacted so i guess this episode was like my personal christmas.
ship or no ship i think it's really important for tabitha to open up with someone outside of her family. it's probably gonna make her family life better to have, you know, friends. jade has a talent for knowing what to say around really heavy topics. telling her "fuck, that sucks, i don't think you're being punished though, i think maybe bad things are just happening and that's it" was really what she needed to hear. in the early episodes tabitha complains to jim that him acting like he knows everything and saying it's all going to be fine like it's obvious makes her feel like she's "doing something wrong". jim's kind of doubling down on acting like he's got it all figured out so i'm glad tabby has a friend that's more on her wavelength now.
i'm fully biased because of my own personal experiences i'll admit it, but i don't think trying to fix a relationship that went south a long time ago is always the best course of action. parting ways doesn't have to be a tragedy, sometimes it's a really good thing. in s1 it looked like they were kinda fixing it but now it feels like they're further apart than at the beginning of the show. i feel really bad for jim but he's gotta pull himself out of that hole he's digging for himself. he's not just jumping to conclusions about things he can't know, he's rejecting reality ("that's what they want you to think!!!" about tabitha defending victor because he's proved time and time again that he's a good man) and leaning on someone that's encouraging him to keep thinking that way and who he barely knows. i'm thinking what other character could help him but i'm kind of drawing a blank. maybe also jade. just pushing my ot3 agenda sorry guys.
donna and fatima, victor and ethan
even though pregnancy in fiction is kind of an ick of mine (SPECIALLY when something goes supernaturally wrong with the pregnancy like, the lord is testing me i guess...?) so i can't really get on board the excitement some of the characters show, i'm really enjoying the "can any of the supernatural wild stuff happening here actually be GOOD" theme with the pregnancy and the changing of the leaves. fatima gave me some strong john locke (the bald guy, not the philosopher) vibes with the pregnancy when she's not supposed to be able to have kids. but i'm not gonna be able to breathe well again until they confirm that's not gonna be some night creature baby thing. if i could i'd honestly abort in that situation like absolutely not risking that possibility like can you imagine? can you freaking imagine. nononono. not taking that chance. nopp.
ANYWAY victor and ethan were so sweet and sad and i'm sobbing. victor saying he wants to protect ethan because bad things always happen to his friends here :')))) give me 10 thousand tissues please. but he let him help in the end and ethan was so happy. i'm actually sobbing. i love them i love them i love them. their friendship has my whole heart. also, love victor's vest.
jim and randall
love himmmmmmmmmmmm love him love him he was just flying his drone, he was going to his nephew's bday and that was such a badass present to give. love this guy what can i say. he has such a cute smile too. he's just got there and he knows nothing and i'm scared for him. the bit he added to jim's theory is SO dangerous though like starting to distrust each other is the last thing they should be doing. hell randall himself could be the person that's "in on it" for all we know, that's one hell of a question to raise if you want to cause disruption on purpose. i don't think he is though but like jim should consider it before he goes around distrusting people that have proven to be kind hearted like victor.
kenny's warning to jade in s1 ("the people who can't adapt here, when they can't bend, they break") rings specially true for jim rn. he's genuinely not past his first impression of victor, who he mistook for a child molester when they first arrived (rightfully let's be honest, he was being creepy to an outside observer and he did point his gun at him). unlike jade who's changed his approach (from "i don't do impossible" to "maybe crazy awful shit happens here and that's it"), jim's been completely unable to get past his first impressions of everything and is cracking under the pressure, and pulling apart from his loved ones bc of it... really worrying.
OK THIS IS LONG ENOUGH ILL SAVE THE KENNY THOUGHTS FOR A DIFFERENT POST
#epix from#from (epix)#jade herrera (from)#jade (from)#sorry for writing so many words#i got brainrot disease specifically about jim tabitha jade and randall and this episode DELIVERED
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Reverse Unpopular Opinion for Faye and Rinea!
Okay, well first of all both of their designs are really good. Like, I know I'm biased because Hidari is one of my top-favorite illustrators and I think all Echoes artwork is excellent, but Faye and Rinea's is like, especially excellent. Like, we have Faye:
This is the most generic "local girl who lives in a fantasy faming village" look and I mean this in the best way possible. Of all the Ram kids, she's the only one who actually looks like she could have been someone who just hung around some little farming town, and I especially love the little touches that the apron and satchel add. And the color palette is really good, which isn't something I say a lot for FE, and her being dusty blond and paired with lots of browns and whites could have made her look like a sepia photo, but nah, everything's balanced well enough that this looks like a legit.
And then we have Rinea, and just:
LOOK at the amount of thought that went into that dress's design! I'm no seamstress nor cosplay artist, but I do love me some clothing designs where the artist thought out how the clothing might work. And while all the layers aren't broken down, enough are that I can imagine how the dress works, which also makes it easier to draw for me for whatever reason. And again, this is a fantastic palette! Granted, blues and whites with some off-blacks is actually a pretty safe palette to go for and really hard to mess up, but even how the colors get divided is nice, since most of the whites (the "lightest" colors) are at the top of her design, and the black stockings (the "heaviest" color in her palette) are at the bottom. Rinea's color palette looks like glacial, snow-capped basalt mountains, and I love it.
Also like, in line with Echoes' strong emphasis on the divide between the nobility and the commonfolk, we can really see those themes in these two designs. Faye's just a girl from a small farming town, and while she's clearly very trendy and conscious of her appearance, given how she wears cute little bows and has decorated her satchel, there's still something very humble and utilitarian about her outfit. Whereas Rinea's a noble, and her outfit shows as much with the incorporation of more complicated sewing patterns, and the addition of metals as pretty--but essentially non-functional--decoration. Everything about her outfit looks more expensive to produce, and really helps to illustrate her status as a noble engaged to the heir of Rigel. It's such a small detail, but I've seen a lot of fantasy stories where the character designs get a bit carried away and you can't actually distinguish things like social class, or even trends from different geographic areas.
Aside from how much I love the designs, Faye is also one of my favorite units in the entire game. Like, when I did my run of "I'm actually going to try and complete Thabes instead of ignoring it", Faye was front and center on my dungeon-dive team. She's so versatile too! I had her as a pegasus knight my first run and not only was she able to keep pace with Clair, she outpaced the pegasi trio (which might have been lucky rng for the stat growths, but still!). I had her as a cleric for my second run (the Thabes run), and again, she was super useful. Her early access to Physic is very helpful, and while I don't normally use dancer classes, her unique spell Anew ended up being really helpful for my Thabes dive (and also helped me figure out that I didn't dislike the dancer class and its support skill, I just didn't want an entire unit tied up in one type of support only). Also, since Nosferatu can bypass Duma's godshield, I wanted to see if it was possible to get Faye to land the killing blow. This was not a feat I achieved, given that she could only deal a total of 12 damage (although if I decide to buy the DLC before the eShop goes down, I might be able to achieve this feat with an overclass), but 12 damage was the highest not-Alm damage dealt by anyone I had in that battle, which was neat! I think if I ever do another run, I might put her into cavalier and see if she can outpace Mathilda (and then I can give her Gradivus, aka my favorite weapon in the entire series).
Anyhow, I actually have a lot of love not born of spite for these two, and for FE in general, and could probably go on but we'll call it good for now.
#fayeslingeringwill#listen I LOVE these two and I will fight on that hill#I didn't even get into FEH stuff bc I don't actually play the game but like FEH stuff for these two is good as well!#fire emblem#FE15#faye#rinea#ask meme#I still don't have an ask tag
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Just telling you that please don't feel sorry for taking an indefinite break/rest from continuing your series' because we absolutely understand!
The same thing has been happening to me with drawing ever since covid hit. My motivation to create new sketches and drawings slowly started dying from all the mental stress covid brought upon me and my family and the world in general, but i started sketching a bit again.
Then when 2023 began i had to move schools and the school I'm now currently attending is extremely harsh and stressful, and leaves me to come home physically and mentally drained sometimes, so that absolutely killed my motivation to do anything, let alone draw.
I'm still very much struggling with lack of motivation and inspiration but I'm hoping that as life moves on, i start making art again.
Sorry i know you didn't ask for a whole ass life story from a complete stranger but through my story i just wanted to convey the msg that you are definitely not alone, and believe me I've felt guilty for having this artblock for a long time too. But the fact is that it is NOT your fault in any way whatsoever. You don't control motivation. You don't control your feelings. Please don't feel bad about it. I know it's definitely hard to not be able to bring yourself to do things that normally brought you so much joy before, but i promise it will get better. Life will get better.
Wish you the best btw and ly💗:D
omg no don't apologise at all, thank you for sharing! sadly we're in the same boat then 🥲 i feel like this was a bad year for artists bc my sister who's the visual artist of the family also stopped drawing bc of high school stress so 🥲🥲🥲
thank you so much for understanding and i really hope that you, too, get your inspiration back soon, so you can get back to doing what brings you joy 🩷
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