#I also just think I need more ppl to talk to again
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Cooper Howard and Lucy MacLean's rare and wonderful dynamic (and how it's ultimately alright if they don't become "endgame" or whatever)
First off... I'm saying this as a HUGE ghoulcy shipper btw. I don't wanna hear about some bullshit about how "you just don't like the ship" or something dumb like that (have you SEEN the state of my blog??). I ADORE this ship. These are also ultimately my own thoughts. Do not be affronted if this somehow doesn't apply to your hcs. At the end of the day, this is fiction, nothing more.
Something I have to note on about the wonderful dynamic between Cooper and Lucy. Even if ghoulcy stays platonic, I'm fine with it because this is the closest dynamic to Jack/Liz from 30 Rock that l've seen, and if anyone's seen that show, you KNOW what I'm talking about. Let me explain.
Jack/Liz were two v complex characters that had so much chemistry but the way their "relationship" worked was so unique in that they were never romantic but they're WAY more than just colleagues/ friends, etc. There was literally an article titled like "why you'll never see this kind of relationship in television again" and ghoulcy has the potential to be that again which is still GREAT! It even goes on to talk about how they're COMPLETE AND POLAR OPPOSITES but the dynamic still works and how they feed off of each other in the only way no other characters can. The "dynamic" is THEIRS and theirs only. Seem familiar?
From what we're getting not just in the Fallout show but from interviews with the actors and creatives involved, we're already getting that special dynamic. However, I must stress that many of the comments and those interviews (imo) are sometimes taken TOO literally. The existing text and subtext of the ship is already abundant and ripe so I feel like not EVERYTHING has to be referred to the ship and the ship only. I know it's mostly funsies but I legit wonder if some of this is taken too seriously to the point of misconstruing an actor's words and getting tunnel vision JUST for the sake of the ship and ship only, in turn cheapening what is already there. Kinda like what I've seen with people having to vilify Barb further with unnecessary inferences to scenes that give her more layers (like questioning her genuine love for Janey and Cooper. She can be loving AND a villain y'all. Both things don't have to be mutually exclusive) EVEN THOUGH SHE IS CLEARLY VILIFIED BY THE SHOW BY THE REVEAL SO WHY MAKE UP STUFF? To "punish" her more?? Apologies but this kinda reads as "I need to prop up my ship further so I MUST degrade the other ship" even though it's again... SUPER UNNECESSARY (I must stress I've seen this on ALL sides of shipping/character stanning. Both sides suck when you engage in this behaviour). Have fun and faith in the strength of your ships (ESPECIALLY if they're not "canon" adjacent)!
Anyway, as I was saying...
Going back to 30 Rock, there's literally a scene in the show where they get married due to shenanigans, they get in a big fight the whole episode and in the end sit down and have the most revealing discussion with a councilor about why they're so much more complex than typical relationship. And another scene where they sleep in the same bed together and addressed why they never hooked up with each other and why that's okay. By the way, I was also a HUGE shipper of these two... But I was fine with how they ended up with because the story of their special relationship that makes them uniquely THEM was clear and concise. This did not stop me from reading fics where they make kissy faces. It is possible to do both and I think some ppl tend to forget this.
I'm not saying this for the antis (don't like what you don't like, but if you harass shippers then you can suck eggs and leave. This applies to shippers to non shippers too btw. Be. Nice.), I'm saying all this because I want shippers to not "despair" if the ship that they've become so invested in doesn't come to fruition (and not go overboard into thinking that writers should listen to whatever audiences want all the time, we've been down this road SO many times, it's terrible. Do we REALLY need to talk about how The Rise of Skywalker turned out the way it did due to unnecessary pressure from the loudest antis/asshats in fandom? I think not). Maybe this is also more towards the younger audience members as a cautionary tale because we old ass millenials have seen and been through this but didn't have the immediacy of social media at our finger tips, so it was kinda easier to not be as reactionary. I don't like playing the "you youngins don't know what it was like" card, but at some points it is just a statement of reality. Some of you are/were LITERALLY too young to have experienced this.
Ultimately, what I'm saying is even if ghoulcy doesn't become "romantic", I'm fine with it as long as they stay within the "something more/beyond definition" dynamic which is ALWAYS refreshing to see. Give us more "what are we"! Give us more "it's complicated"! Give us more "we can't be summarized in neat little boxes"!
As long as they don't end up in the pit of "one dimensional interpretation of the Found Family trope which is somehow only just Familial and in this instance Father-Daughter". Please, I BEG. Nothing wrong for people to like this dynamic, but to immediately categorize this into that box is just... Tiresome. You can make the same arguments about "shipping two living beings together on screen all the time" too for sure... But again it leads to my point of if we're going the platonic route how about we NOT just shove it in the same boring dynamic of Father-Daughter that if you want, can find in multitudes of other forms of existing fictional media.
Tldr; have fun but always remember this is all fictional media in the end where we play with dolls in a sandbox. Just remember to BE. NORMAL. and not forget this and start shitting in it and flinging poo at each other. That goes with relationships with creators of said media too. Do NOT become parasocial and expect everything to be catered to you. The creators want to tell a story THEY came up with in the first place.
LET THEM.
#fallout#Fallout tv#Fallout prime#ghoulcy#Cooper howard#Lucy maclean#This is mainly about fallout but honestly can be about many things#Apologies for the incoherency... I'm typing all this in a dark moving car and with little to no editing lmao#text#fallout thoughts
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Hello, I’m inlove with your art style and how you draw sceneries!! I really wanna try learning how to draw backgrounds more often, do you have any tips about drawing background? Thank you!
Complete guide to Background painting:
So um thank u for asking me Caleb- chan (˃ ⌑ ˂ഃ )! Im glad u trust me on this! But I'm not actually that confident about myself on this, and as a chaotic anarchist, I'll just dump everything I know about this topic to u...
There's so much to talk about background painting, so this is going to be very long, pls bear w me here n forgive me for the broken english_(:зゝ∠)_
It's better to demonstrate with an illustration, so I'll be using this colorkey for that upcoming animated project as an example(two versions for different methods).. along with some other old pics of mine and this sketch I loosly built.
(Also just like I've mentioned in the color tutorial, this would be the only time I explain the theories n tricks, bc it takes too much time to make these.(；′⌒`) I hope ppl r okay w this?)
Purpose and rules
Well for me personally, I'd like my paintings to be rich in storytelling and emotion, rather than a pure decorative picture. So I'm providing two basic methods here, one about realistic background, another about surreal background.
We'll talk about these two in later chapters, but first, preparation.
Preparation
Like I mentioned in last tutorial, gather information before u start any project.
Some irl images —— for real life physics, I'm studying mostly reflections here.
Refs from the original material —— Ofc
Illustrations —— once you studied the irl physics, check out how other ppl deal with the same situation for inspiration, but pls don't just copy them.
Movies —— I think they're just neat (for a nice overall tone, and that helps making your work more)
You could start by painting characters on existing photos, it's a nice exercise.
Realistic
Realistic background requires the understanding of a lot of things, for me personally, proportion is the most important, bc it's the easiest mistake your viewer could spot.
If u check any tutorials on this they'll say u need to use vanishing points to create invisible grids and , I loosly made these to show u how they work
most of the time u use vanishing points to set up the whole scene, two would be enough most of the time.
( Well, or three points, if u want to do something more dramatic, fancy. Or 5 points if u want to do something even more dramatic. )
( For a more lens based logic, 3 or 5 points work best for a mock up 15-35 focal length shot.)
Do a grid using these points. and build environment following the grid.
Put your character in this environment, and their vanishing point will match the one with this environment.
Determine the lighting for your environment, one lightsource first.
Then do the shadow for your character.
(If you don't want a very detailed background this would be enough? Normally I don't do sharp and clear perspective for a more chaotic and hand crafted aesthetic.)
But again, sometimes u just need it to be extremely accurate.
So I made a model for my animation scene, it's widely used by concept artists, so if u're interested, try it out:
u don't have to make a complete set, just boxes would also help.
Surreal
No need to think about actual background this time, just do whatever u want that makes it look good in 2d composition.
u could check out my tutorial on composition on this.
For topics and ideas to put in these experimental surreal paintings, u could try thinking in a "meta" way?
Like this one, I compositioned it from the understating of texture and material : glass.
all the strokes r square-ish, making everything looks breakable.
and the composition is also square-ish, u see sharp edges for the silhouette
Um... it's something I can't explain to the fullest, but u'll get it one day...
Demonstration
And now, the demonstration: I've painted this twice, this one using Blender as the assisting tool:
My logic here is using a mild color scheme over an existing environment, using strokes following the structure.
I made mock up lightings in my model, so the lighting is easier.
the rest is just putting Butters in this set.
And this one just traditional method + eyeballing: (what I've been using recently)
Since I'm not painting over model, eyeballing the set or use the vanishing point+ grid method from earlier... then set the main tone for it (this time it's blue)
I went for a very saturated blue compairing to the other one.
Then paint the light out, for a main light source. I used yellow for a contrasting effect.
The rest is basically the same, but since it doesn't have a model under it I don't need the strokes to tenderize the solidness of an existing model...
Anyways...
I'd suggest u use whatever method that is more comfortable to you, bc I might not be that good at doing it most effectively_(:зゝ∠)_ and I'm sure you're going to find your own unique way!)
Recording of these two paintings is here, hope they're helpful to u:
Exercise and Summarize
So um, after each painting u might want to summarize. One thing I would do is to remove saturation and check if the grayscale looks good-
check what colors u used the most-
check what angle (or shots or framing) u like better-
check what lighting suits your atmosphere-
these are good for u to develop a style-
There are some tutorials on the internet on more of this topic, I'm sure ur able to find them, they'll do a better job for me I think~
And I'm sorry this came out so late! a lot of things have happened...
Hope u have a good time creating art, and have a nice day Caleb-!
-Maid
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I should probably rb an ask game tomorrow so I don't keep being dead quiet all day and make like a post at midnight fncndjfnf
#rat rambles#I also just think I need more ppl to talk to again#I know I keep saying this but still Ive been rly unmotivated lately and its driving me crazy a lil#Im still thinking abt things and creating things but I just cant seem to find a proper spark in anything#I think my brain is unionising against me for playing too much video games lately 😔#what makes things hard is that what I rly wanna do is have like a propper infodumping convo with someone again but I still dont know how to#do that through text and I feel bad infodumping to my siblings /nm#(<- tone indicator in case they see this lol)#hopefully dnd will happen this week and if not maybe Ill get to talk with some of them at least#honestly I should rly try asking if any of them would be down with vcing outside of dnd but woopsie anxiety fmfndjfh#I rly do love talking with them and I miss them all the time man 😔#idk Ill figure smth out eventually maybe in the meantime I can try streaming more maybe? although thats a tricky balancing act#mainly between leaving myself enough energy to actually talk with whatever Im doing#like I think I tend to be a lot more slow and awkward in streams since its just inhereny very draining for me#it has its benifits but sometimes its just rly not worth the energy lol#tbh I just think yall should come ask me detailed specific questions abt all my stories and aus thatd cure my mental illness /j
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i finished thesis, won an award, and have graduated.. hello 👋🥸
#i'm not coming back but :') hello#i forgot i even had tumblr still on my phone djdkdkdkdk#i just opened it for the first time in ??? 5 months or smth i think idk for sure#life is weird :')#remember when i said i wanna drop out every day of my life :') bc i suck at design#welp i won an award for my design thesis :')#jsjdjdkdkdkdj#turns out having friends kinda changes your life 🫂#having friends at school has actually :') made me a happier more normal person lol#i haven't been miserable?? i haven't wanted to kms ... i have been so happy and yes school was shitty but i wanted to go and try hard bc#my friends motivated me to stay and try and that's crazy :') idk#felt really loved and like i belonged somewhere for the first time in my life 🫨 like woah ppl like me and wanna be my friend? me??#:') i'm really happy... isn't that weird#i used to want to kms every other day hsjdndkdkdks lol 😭#now i'm like 😭 every day i look forward to waking up bc i'm happy and i have ppl who love me and i wanna see them again and i wanna spend#time with them again and play games with them again :')#literally stayed up till ??? 4 am yesterday talking to one of them like#😭#god jm djjdkdkdkd idk :')#my life is good...#???? IM NOT MISERABLE IDK GUYS#wild af#even winning the award was such a shock like 🥲 damn . who ? me?#ppl from like :') this big design thing in toronto we're praising it too like djdjdodjdkdj#:') it's kinda crazy.. i was super !#man.. i cant believe how 5 months ago i was gonna kms 🥸👆 and now i'm like erm actually maybe we do need to live#:') anyway#i hope ppl on here are doing good 🫨🔨#it is sad to not be here as much but also 👋😌 i'm happy to be free at the same time so ✨
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I rly don’t see how ppl be 20+ shipping kids anymore tbh… like, it’s so rampant and I don’t see the appeal to it anymore being as tho I’m in my late 20’s.
#I’m grown….. it always baffles me to see it like man I don’t care I don’t find joy in it anymore since I’m not a teenager#I just look at them and think they’re like my fake son… daughter nephew niece whatever lol#give me the struggling and mentally fucked up 20+ year old give me those middle age bitches man if I’m going to like a ship now anyway#like i don’t care about the romance between kids man it sucks that this is such a huge thing in most fandom spaces#not that I participate in said spaces since ppl are annoying and embarrassing#also very nasty#sns is diff tho like that’s a whole other thing 🪽#sns is just a classic it’s legendary it transcends space and time it it-#I’m so glad that jjk is full of adults tho lmfaoo#one of Gege’s only W’s… especially impressive for a shounen#i like jjk outside of the goiji pairings too like I just genuinely enjoy it despite how awful it is now lol#again#I do think that ppl need to learn how to become more comfortable with enjoying media outside of shipping tho#like there’s nothing wrong with it obviously but I’m talking more like how tons of ppl only get into a new series for the sole purpose#of shipping instead of engaging with said media and the story that it’s trying to tell…#this is why fanon and wild insane hc’s usually get out of control too to the point where those who might be interested in checking out#a series might be deterred because they don’t even know what the show is about because the only stuff that ppl see about the thing is ship#stuff and like discourse#and the behavior of the fans…#these ppl be 30+ arguing with teenagers man it’s crazy to me#I just think there needs to be a balance lol#like still go crazy. Have fun and all but you get it#but anyway. with all that being said! Goiji stays winning in my heart 🚶🏾♀️#rambling
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todays award for 'man what the fuck' goes to reddit for making me see pr0/-ship discourse in goddamn 2023. thought we were past that but i guess not
#spitblaze says things#i am once again reminding ppl that media and fan content are not created or consumed in a vacuum#you do not need to whitewash all 'taboo topics' from any work but maybe like. warn people up front. listen to minorities and csa victims#consider if yelling at strangers on the internet is actually helping anybody at all. esp the people you purport to be helping#realize that most people think grown-adult and literal-child pairings are gross for a reason and they arent just pearl clutching prudes#(im talking like 'this character is 10 and this one is 35' not 'this one is 17 and this one is 18'. yes ive seen it. yes i hate it)#idk. have a set of personal values rather than trying to align urself with some movement or group or whatever#also maybe give a little less leeway to ppl making purposefully tittilating csa content? even if it IS fiction???#at that point its not 'exploring dark subject matter' anymore its just jerkoff material. maybe you can afford to be a bit more discerning#also. learn what a maladaptive coping mechanism is please#thats it i just. dont want to think about this shit ever agaaaaaain
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watching the missing link stuff.. i want to play this game sso fuckign bad
#KINGDOM HEARTS I MISSED U.........#i Need to throw my keykids into this thing. oh my god#khml spoilers next tags#ALSO I CANT BELJEVE PPL WERENT JOKING ABT THIS JUST. BEING PLAYER AGAIN?? PROBABLY????#I WASNT EXPECTING THAT TO BE REAL..#but also it lines up perfectly w what i had planned for my keykids <3#the rusted starlight too..... ough.....#and the fact that they cant remember their name?? i need to. make new names for my sillyguys. what would they name themselves#i think if i can play the game myself id play as dia again..#also. i rly hope they add more options to the character creator bc the current lack of skintone options is. hm.#the options for everything else look nice so far at least..#ALSO PLAYER TALKING?????#AND THE MUSIC.. its so pretty..#THE BAROQUE SOCIETYXBXJSJ#im in love w this so far#WHY ARE WE BEING ACCUSED OF ASSAULT ??#oh its that blue guy ive been seeing#that closeup on his eye made him loop exactly like aqua JXBSJ i see what ppl mean when they say he moght be an ancestor of hers#camera backing out to see 2 silver haired fuckers on a roof. yeah this is kingdom hearts#these guys are so silly#this version of dearly beloved is so good whadda hell..#and this scala music?? the whimsy ..#astral dimension and distortions..#welp. hello again gacha game#this world is so gorgeous....#i need. this game#kh
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...
#im still procrastinating so bear with me#ive just been thinking abt something. like the idea of a support system#bc as a 1st year grad student ppl around me r like: it must be hard being away from ur support system or ive left my support system when i#moved halfway across the country. and like i dont really feel that way bc idk the idea of a support system is sorta odd to me#like for me i guess it would just b my parents who i kno love me but im just so weirdly asocial that i never really talk to them#like i hardly ever text them. we talk maybe every couple months. so like i guess i theoretically have support but its a bit abstract#and like i have friends i guess but again im a bit weird and dont really feel connected to ppl so i dont feel that close to anyone#surface level friendships i guess. i dunno. i just feel weird not not having a support system but also having it b hollow#i guess i cant feel it more now. like i feel like getting diagnosed as bip0lar made my problems seem more realized to my parents#like i dunno i just assumed they knew i was doing awful most of the time but maybe that wasn't the case#its such a weird thing to b diagnosed with. like the conotations feel a lot heavier and i feel like im not supposed to talk abt it to ppl#bc theyll think im unreliable or something. like it wouldnt b that big a deal if i was just depressed but the sometimes buring out of my#skin makes me somehow scarier. and i still feel conflicted bc i do have a bip0lar mood profile but i have very very high impulse control#and even when im going high my mind is still super rational about it. which seems weird bc low impulse control is common with#the diagnosis. its also y i dont fit an 4dhd profile. not that it really matters. i fit the criteria enough to be on the bip0lar spectrum#its not like someone's gonna come yell at me for not being bip0lar enough. i just feel odd about it is all#still feels fake i guess. hard to imagine feeling any different to how i feel now. which is weirdly stable. so i guess the meds r working#sigh... ok enough i need to go to sleep at 7pm so i can get up at like 2 to finish reading a paper. for some reason my god forsaken brain#works better in the early morning rip#unrelated
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I love learning ASL it’s so good. Makes me happy to learn it. I’m so glad my university has classes for it with professors actually steeped in Deaf culture.
#blue chatter#am I good at ASL? hahahahahahaha. no.#ASL and English grammar are incredibly different and even when I remember my vocab I am easily clockable as hearing#but I do have some language capacity now. enough to communicate the basics.#and I just. genuinely really enjoy it. it’s fun to learn and engaging in a way most of my classes just aren’t.#and I can. yanno. communicate respectfully w Deaf ppl. and learn about their culture#which is incredibly important given that I want to go into a field where there is a higher incidence than typical of Deaf people#autistic? you’re more likely to be Deaf!#not to mention the fact that sign language can sometimes be a useful alternative to speech for nonspeaking/nonverbal people#depending on the person obvi; some nonspeaking/nonverbal autistics cannot use sign language and that’s okay#but surely at some point I will encounter either a Deaf client or a nonspeaking/nonverbal client who uses ASL#and when that time comes I should have some idea of how to communicate with them#I also rly like the Deaf church by my parents’ house#their community is really welcoming and their services are really interesting#I think it’s rly cool how they take intentions directly from the congregation#they’ll raise their hands and then sign what their intention is from their pew to the ambo#which is rly neat#it is funny bc every time I go the Deaf ppl I talk to will tell each other ‘go slow she’s hearing’#which is ENTIRELY fair bc. I am hearing. and I do need them to go slower.#but it also makes me laugh bc truly everyone knows within a few minutes.#oh hey the new person? they’re hearing. yeah they’re learning ASL at college. sign slowly for her.#which again makes sense bc a big Deaf culture thing is keeping ppl informed. it’s not gossip it’s getting everyone on the same page.#Deaf ppl do NOT beat around the bush that is like the height of rudeness to them. u say what u mean goshdangit. do not waste their time.#which I appreciate the heck out of bc i don’t have to try and phrase things delicately or w/e#it was also funny bc my mom came w me while I was home for Christmas and they asked her if I was her kid#and she said yes. and the lady running the kid’s craft corner thing was like ‘great you’re doing a craft now’#and I’m sitting there. visibly over 18 years old. amongst several seven year olds. trying desperately to figure out how to say hot glue gun#I made a v pretty pinecone tree it was a lot of fun ^-^
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you ever hangout with someone and their company is actually much worse than being alone?
#she came over and we watched hasee toh phasee together okay#bc she said she hadn't seen it and i was like huh wtf!!!!!#terrible idea she doesn't deserve to see that movie it was so perfect she didn't ruin it exactly bc it's my fav#movie ever and she's not important enough to change that#but god it was annoying having her next to me i wanted her to go away and watch it on my own😭😭#she kept looking at her phone on super important scenes and she kept saying arey she should find out about them where is the spice#and i kept saying this isn't about spice it's sweet heartwarming story about love and doomed relationships and father daugter rships#but she didn't appreciate it#i need to watch the movie again on my own to cleanse myself from the negativity ew#and she said i had so much fun let's do this again help😭😭 meko nahi karna never again#time to subtly start ignoring her so she gets the message and leave me alone#i already got the ick from her when she acted that way over parents but i was like ivy no ppl aren't perfect give her a second chance you#friends you're really lonely your internet friends are great but they can't sit next to you and talk to you#but i was wrong being lonely is better she's just so. wrong😭#i kept thinking she's literally worse than everyone in my life i would have had more fun watching it with my MOM😭#and my sis loves this movie and my bestie loves this movie and my cousin sis also loves this movie#UGH
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ppl that still wear a mask regularly you are more punk than anyone else
extra points if you’re in a really shitty area where there’s a bunch of anti maskers/anti vaxxers/overall shitty people around. you are extra more punk than anyone else
and ppl engaging in any kind of community care u are more punk than anyone else it’s about love and care babey!!!!!!
#was talking w a friend who so much braver than i#you WILL care about other ppl#anyway when the gov is pushing deadly misinfo it is NOT punk to just go along with that shit. stand up against it#i know a lot of ppl feel social pressure to not mask bc nobody else is but daring to be brave and stand out should be the norm for u#don’t fall in w the normies dare to be different and care for others. esp if nobody else is#and when i see other queer ppl who don’t mask it’s like.. hey man! did you know a disease wiped out a huge chunk of us in the 80s?#the gov said it was a ‘gay disease’ and of course they wanted gay people to die so they did nothing. they let us die#now that covid has become a ‘only disabled people disease’ do you think it’s ok for the gov to do this again?#i see other hawaiians not masking or even PROUDLY being anti vax#and again i’m like hey man! did you know hawaiians almost completely died out bc of foreign disease?#our land was illegally annexed bc so many hawaiians had died there were too little to fight back! do you think more of us should die?#i’ve heard ppl say if you don’t mask you’re not a leftist and that’s true but it also applies to so many different identities and cultures#it’s like if you claim to care about the earth but you litter on the beach. like do you really care if you can’t do the bare minimum#anyway. if u see this and u need high quality masks literally DM me and i will send you some
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i know aging isn't the end of the world and 24 isn't that old and life isn't a race etc etc etc. however,
#i think a big reason i feel so bad abt being this age is ppl told me this is when things start to get better#and i still feel the same way i did as a teenager so. well. is it really 😐#(being on t probably isn't helping but it's been over 3 years already so... not an excuse i think)#but I'm also physically aging like the reason i barely upload selfies anymore is i see myself getting uglier every day#despite fighting for my life to at least take care of my face and hair...... can't fight the passage of time 😔#+ ofc. my (younger) friends being way more sorted out than i am on every level#again ik life isn't a race but. it can't help but hurt to know I'm still behind literally everyone i know#and my excuses for that aren't even good. bc other disabled ppl my age are also more sorted out than i am#other depressed ppl other borderlines other autistics etc etc. hell these are also my irl friends 😭#and it's dumb. bc feeling like i wasted my life isn't really pushing me to change that now. just makes me want to die even more#(bc i mean what's the point. i will never catch up. I'm still at the starting line AND i move so slow it doesn't even count)#(i don't have a single milestone ppl my age have not even finishing high school which is like. the bare minimum)#(and it sucks bc i also know i have potential i KNOW i can do shit in theory i know I'm smart and got skills. but i can't put it to use)#(and now this is turning into less of a thing abt age and just generally me talking abt how i wasted the last 24 years)#this was more of a stressed rant abt how I'm turning ugly and feeling super old but well. it all boils down to self loathing at the end 👍#vent#negative //#ask to tag#sorry for being so depressing all day oof ik i already said it before but it's been a rough couple of months#(nothing happened my brain just needs to get flushed down the toilet ^_^)#edit: i think. part of my panic about aging. is bc as a kid i was used to being the youngest everywhere#i was the youngest in my class bc i started school a year early. i was the youngest in acting school bc they don't normally accept teenagers#and in addition to that as an adult but before starting t i was always told that i LOOK young too#but now ik i look like I'm in my 20s. and it's killing me that i aged this much in so little#i wonder if shaving my beard will help but i don't wanna get misgendered 😐😐😐 and rn it's the only thing guarding me from that
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fun to realize the reason i get so insecure about other people doing ~my ideas~ first for fanworks is that all i am is ideas. yeah two cakes theory but point is if someone else does that particular thing first it will be better than mine, even if mine would have its own uniqueness to it, so all i can really walk away with is "i did it first" in the inevitable case of comparison. without that there's nothing jsl;dfljsdf.
and while you can't prevent that from happening in FANDOM of all places that is why i like to keep my ideas to myself when possible. if someone comes up with that same idea on their own fine, but if they get that idea from me running my mouth about my wips and they do their version first (which is like! still allowed even if there are levels of courtesy for how you go about it) i will be mad at myself for stripping myself of my own ability to then continue my own due to knowing my own issues and obstacles with it, because i still don't know how to play nice and it is on me to deal with that.
i say all this knowing fandom is supposed to be fun btw.
#txt#i think while i do worry about plagiarism accusations bc fandom is fucking crazy#i tend to also mask these concerns with that lmao#bc it feels less self centered and insecure to say 'i just dont want to be mobbed :(' than#basically sounding like a five year old whining that someone else brought the same toy to the park as them#but because i AM okay with it in the sense of people saying im where they got that idea from or connecting me to it in some way#(or obvs like... someone gifting me a work based on things ive talked about! also rad! or even just asking first etc!)#that's why talking so much about plagiarism also works lol#like just give me Something to have that ties me to it that lets me pretend i have good contributions to a particular space#ultimately it's my own bullshit to get over bc i feel like i need to justify my place in a fandom by filling a niche or contributing#Something unique if it can't be Good etc etc but that's also kind of dumb bc it's not that serious or at least it shouldnt be#i just cant rly contribute much in terms of community events or quality works etc but i do have good ideas!#and i am trying to let go of everything i just said even though i am still clinging to it by my nails#again i know fandom should be fun and i rly need to just do more with original works at this point but likeee....#we r here .#also im not trying 2 fish for complimence just objectively#i value all the skills ive learned due to fandom inspiration#but bc i am split cross quite a few and i have certain health issues that#limit how much i can practice or learn etc#other ppl are inevitably going to be better than me in their area of focus!#and i want to be more okay with that
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#personal#once again yearning but not willing to do anything about it :)))))))))#i was FINE until i had to talk about it last night. i didnt Expect to talk about it. oh god oh god#but then HHHHHHH i hate that i talk about it so much. and i KNOE the answer is to just tell him i like him#or to ask him out but !!!!@@#im not ready !!!#i need to get a job first. like im so serious Zbfjfjdjdjjd#bc if i tell him or ask him... REGARDLESS of his answer. o im gonna be distracted#and i will not have my future ruined by a guy. nooo fuckin WAY.#and like !!@@ hes working so much anyway. like we're talkin unpaid overtime#but hes hung out with me (and other ppl) twice regardless.... but still HDJDJDJFJ#ugh idk#im so tired of thinking about this#im worried i'll ruin my chances the more i dont act. but its like.... GOD IDK. i like him so much its like. debilitating ????????#is that the right word idk#i just.... i think im not ready#and if he moves on then ok that sucks but then at least i'll have an answer....????#god idek#and like one of my friends got asked out by 2 different guys n im like HFJFJJFJFJDJDJDJDJ#GOD. this man is never gonna ask me out. like i think hes Shy. im so. IDK. im also older. like. i think im gonna have to make th3 move#but i wanna be SURE about it. bc like relationships are scary#and i dont wanna start something im not ready for#im kinda hoping that things will happen 'naturally' like they have all along hhhhhhhh
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horrifying self recognition through the other aside this has been an actually not terrible start to The Family Gathering tbh
#my cousin who i havent really seen in a while came up to me and asked abt my pronouns because i came out to the fam a while ago#and he didnt really remember what id said (which. fair. its a big family w lots of things to remember)#and so he asked what my pronouns were and i told him and he promised that if he ever messed up i needed to make him#do like 5 or 10 pushups lmao#and ngl. its the sweetest thing anyone in this family has ever said to me abt that#everyone else has kinda just. moved on. and either forgotten that im not a girl or purposefully ignoring it.#and idk maybe i should stand up for myself a little more but ive been practically a doormat all my life#and idk. its hard using my voice and establishing boundaries when ive let ppl bulldoze over me for almost 20 years.#sigh. anyway.#im gonna be thinking about that all day tbh it was genuinely so sweet#and i am also being consumed by The Loneliness again <3#just. i want someone to just talk to about all this??? someone who isnt in my family because they all have stakes in it too?????#we're all grieving. i aint special.#i just want to talk to someone about it in person so they can hold my hand while i cry myself to sleep because ngl#thats what it looks like we're doing tonight#im just. tired of feeling alone in this enormous family where it seems like im the only odd man out#and also ykw the Not Having Any Irl Friends loneliness too. thats also pretty significant.#not saying my internet friends arent great i love yall so so so much but it has just been .#a really really long time since ive had a good cry n hug session w someone.#sigh. im tired i need to go to bed#winter speaks#personal
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i get slightly annoyed when people make community posts that tell ppl to stop doing xyz and use the phrases "they're a FICTIONAL character, theyre NOT REAL" to justify whatever theyre saying because:
1) everyone knows that already, we're all aware these are blorbos from our media;
2) if someone is genuinely struggling to grasp that because of a delusion or similar, a forceful reality check is only going to cause harm rather than help;
3) it just feels so needlessly patronizing;
4) most of the time whatever I see people complaining about is either smth that I never see anyone doing or if it is smth somebody is doing then the block button is a very quick and effective fix for the issue (or even a quick convo w the person in DMs can resolve issues!)
(granted I keep my following circle very small and probably miss a lot but if i can do that then perhaps... perhaps other people can do it too fhfkdl like just prune back whatever u dont like seeing! unfollow or block as needed!)
#speaking as someone who has experienced and occasionally still experiences delusions!!!#reality checks do not help unless we ask for them directly! it's only going to make things worse if u force one on us!#also yes im aware of the hypocrisy of me making a post complaining abt things#but its often just this one phrase that i will see in otherwise decent posts that go around#and im not about to unfollow ppl just bc of this one phrase being used in a post or two that they might've rbed fhfjdl#also this is a niche thing to know about i think? like i dont think most ppl know a lot about delusions#.... as evidenced by ppl using delulu as a quirky meme word. god that one makes me tired and frustrated fjfkdl#but yeah normally i keep complaints and annoyances to myself but this one i figured might actually be helpful to talk about here#since i know theres probably a lot of ppl who have no idea that this is a thing that can actually make things worse rather than better#and like. theres bigger fish to fry i know that! this is a relatively small thing all things considered#but i feel like perhaps if i can make life a little easier for one other person who struggles w mental health then its worth it#if i can convince one person to be more mindful of their language to make the world slightly safer for fellow mentally ill folks then yay!#and i know the internet doesnt need to cater to us crazies but fhdkdl it'd be cool if ppl could just be a tad kinder or more thoughtful#again! not shaming or blaming and I'm not even upset w anyone#ppl genuinely just do not know abt this stuff unless a loved one or they themselves struggle w delusions or psychosis etc#and even then oftentimes its such a stigmatized topic that even ppl who struggle w it themselves might not know or realize it#anyways. climbing down off my soapbox like a kitten clumsily climbing off of a tall couch SBDJSKL#dandy.cmd
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