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jeonfiles · 3 years

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better left unsaid - jjk

genre: angst, rebounds

pairings: jungkook x reader (ft. namjoon)

warnings: arguing, alcohol, profanity, break ups, light smut, use of drugs, jungkook is a fucking dick, jungkook has major attachment issues, toxic relationships, oc cries a lot, namjoon has a heart of gold, unrequited love

synopsis: you knew you shouldnt have given him that second chance, not the third or the fourth either. no matter how much you try he always slithers his way underneath your sheets, arms wrapped around you.

word count: 2.7k

music: into your arms, so it ends?, you will fade, thinkin bout you, julia, my insecurities not yours, fuck u, goodluck, my dear i will think of you

note: uhh ive never written a y/n fic so bare with me, if u listen to the music you’ll be able to feel the story a lot more so yeah if u have time u should, not proof read

Light coming through the cracks of the blinds, making you squint your eyes when the daylight beams into your eyes, head resting on the kitchen island Looking up, you saw the clock ticking on the wall, 11:32 am.

You had stayed up till 5 am, waiting for him to come home, but seemingly, he never did. Reaching for your phone, you saw 4 missed calls from the one and only,

Jeon Jungkook, saved in your phone as “Koo <3″, Rows of messages too, all from the same contact.

Koo <3 [05:34 am]

baby pkck me up pleseee

im so wsated

Koo <3 [06.46am]

dont be mad at me jsut pick me up

i dont knw hewere the fuck i am

i love you

Koo <3 [07:31 am]

i got a rde home i’ll be home by 12

i need to talk to someone frsit

im sorry if i woke ypu dont be worried

You took a few moments to collect your thoughts, but there wasn’t much to collect. This whole thing, was a routine by now.

Standing up to make yourself a cup of coffee, you could literally not feel your own backside, you were so sore from the barstool you had been sitting on all night, and it made you groan in pain.

Two coffee cups right beside the kitchen sink, which you couldn’t bring yourself to clean up, because it was from the last time you had coffee together, which was 2 weeks ago.

The inside of the cup had a coffee crust at the top, and both your lip tint marks on the outside.

When you finish your cup of coffee while watching a bad telenovela, you go sit in your favorite chair and pull out a few books from the backpack hanging on the chair next to you, getting ready to get some studying done.

For a few seconds you imagine Jungkook hanging over your shoulder laughing at the way you write your A-s and R-s, or the way you always sign your homework at the bottom of the page.

And when you open them, there’s no one there. The only sound is from the refrigerator, making refrigerator noises.

You had met Jungkook 3 years ago, when you were at college orientation, senior year of high school. He also wanted to attend Yonsei, just like you.

And when he whispered to you about how bored he was, you couldn’t help but giggle, and then you got yelled at.

It was worth it though, because everyone was jealous of you afterwards,the Jeon Jungkook had talked to you.

Jungkook was an all-rounder as they called it; great physique, intelligent, charismatic and great at sports.

And god, he had a beautiful face, and such a filthy mouth, and it didn’t go long before you gave in to his seductive ways and slept with him. The morning after, he wasn’t in bed with you, and your heart sank.

Luckily, he was in the kitchen making you breakfast.

It was all bliss from there, showering you with love, gifts and kisses for two years, and you even ended up moving in together.

And now? You barely remember what he sounds like, smells like and is like.

A distant memory, just as distant as him.

Your train of thought was suddenly interrupted as you heard 3 knocks on your door. The exact same way he had always knocked when he had forgotten (or lost) his keys.

And even though you should have let him suffer a little, you rushed to the door to open it, and in front of you, was your biggest nightmare.

It was your love, crying his eyes out, bleeding from one of many cuts on his face, looking nearly dead. He collapsed into your arms, and you could only utter a few words, along the lines of:

“How could you do this to us?”

As he was laying curled up in a ball on the couch, face plastered up, ice bag on his knee, wrapped up in a blanket, you realized. this was your que to cry.

So, you did. You cried in silence, sitting across the room from him. You weren’t mad at him for coming home late, or getting in another fight, probably the 5th just these past months, you had gotten used to that by now.

There was a whole other reason that made you cry.

He smelled like Victorias Secret Bombshell, you recognized the scent because it used to be your favorite, however, now you’ve moved onto something less sweet, and more elegant, like Caroline Herrera.

He smelled like someone who wasn’t you, his girlfriend.

He smelled like another girl.

It didn’t hurt as much as you thought it would. Maybe because the Jungkook that had come home to you that morning wasn’t your Jungkook.

Your Jungkook was varsity jackets, star of the american football team (which your school was known for), selfless and humorous, and he would always take care of you.

Your Jungkook was not ungroomed hair, cigarettes and worsening grades. He was not cold and lifeless, and he would never make you cry.

Despite this, you were carding your fingers though his hair, thumb wiping away the blood on his lips while he was sound asleep as you slowly fell asleep next to him.

Maybe it was time to let him go.

Maybe.

You woke a few hours later from your phone vibrating.

Kim Namjoon (school) [07:01 pm]

Hey Y/N! Have you started working on the statistics assignment?

If you haven’t, would you be interested in meeting at the library tomorrow? You’re really smart and i’m kinda struggling ://

You [07:03 pm]

i finished it yesterday, but if you buy me coffee i’ll come help you hehe

Kim Namjoon (school) [07:04 pm]

You’re the best, I’ll bring you a machiatto!! :D

Maybe it would be nice for you to get out of the house, even though you hate the thought of it, and you would much rather just swim in your own sorrow.

But you did go out the next day, and you helped Namjoon get a decent grade, enough to pass with good margines, he thanked you by taking you out for ramen at a convenial store not too far away.

You thanked him for the ramen with a trip to the museum, and he thanked you for the museum trip with a picnic in the park at night, which led you to crying over Jungkook in his embrace, telling him every single little detail.

He made you realize it was time to let Jungkook go and make room for new people to enter your life.

You went home that night, and you found Jungkook passed out on the couch, and you could genuienly feel your chest tighten. Soft features which stood out under the moonlight glow, disheveled brown locks which hung down in his eyes.

He was gorgeous, until you saw the credit card on the table next to three bottles of soju and an empty beer can on the floor. And you knew what he had used the credit card for, though you didn’t want to say it out loud.

You cleaned everything up, and you threw the residue of the white powder right in the trash can, and you recycled his bottles and cans before finally, nudging him to wake up.

“Jungkook, wake up.” You spat coldly, or at least you attempted to.

He groaned, rubbing his eyes before opening his eyes, and s huge smile on his face. “Y/N, you’re home!” He reached to kiss you, but you backed away.

“Y/N?” Jungkook questioned, he didn’t quite understand what your intentions were.

“Don’t try anything Jungkook. This was your last chance, and you fucked it up, again.” The room turned ice cold. “I’m getting you help Jungkook, you need help. And then...”

He understood what kind of help you meant, and since he had now sobered up, he agreed, nodding. “And then...?”

“And then.” Your words were ludged in your throat. “And then I’m leaving you.”

His whole face dropped, smile turned into the frowniest frown you had ever seen, and it was all silent before his lower lip starts trembling, and his eyes start turning glassy.

“It’s alright. Sorry for burdening you.” Was all he could say before tears rushed down his cheeks, and he started shaking.

So you did what you always had done, and you wrapped your arms around him, head resting on your chest as he sobbed.

“Is there anyone else?” he cried out before another wave of sobs hit him.

This exact question made your stomach hurt, and your throat burn. You really had no idea.

Or you did, but you didn’t want to.

You loved Jungkook so much, but you couldn’t be with him in this state. So you did what every rational person would do in this situation.

“Yeah.”

You lied.

“Oh ok. I don’t have the right to be mad do I?”

You shake your head no.

“I love you Y/N. I’m sorry I’m so messed up.”

“It’s ok.” was all he said before he fell asleep in your arms again.

That night you slither your way out of his embrace and you pack your suitcase in the dark, bringing all your essentials, trying to be as quiet as possible so you didn’t wake Jungkook.

Packing enough for two weeks or so, you make the bed and leave your t-shirt “accidentally” in the bathroom, and you make sure all his clothes are folded, and then you sort his pencil case, throwing out old pens and worn out erasers.

You leave a grocery list on the counter, and you tuck him in good under the blankets after you took his jeans and socks off so he could sleep comfortably.

You placed his vitamins and medicine by the refrigerator so he’ll see it when he goes to grab something to eat.

Puffed up pillows, a pair of sweatpants, t-shirt and underwear is now placed neatly on his bed. Then you walk into the kitchen again, and you see Jungkook still sound asleep, sniffling a little still.

There’s one last thing, and it makes you cry. It makes you sob so loud you cover your mouth and muffle the sound you make. Sinking to the floor, your whole body is in contact with the cold tiles.

Only a year ago you could never imagine yourself even shedding a single tear over something as small as this, but here you were, on the edge of a panic attack.

Two worn out, matching couple mugs still placed by the counter. one if the first things you two had bought together, as well as the necklace hanging around your neck.

Finally, you stopped crying and started cleaning the mugs, lip trembling as you dried them and placed them in the back of the cabinet.

You unhooked your necklace and laid it down on the counter, and the biggest lump formed in your throat.

Actually, there’s a little detail you forget.

You kiss Jungkook on the forehead and leave a note on the coffee table.

“Dear Jungkook,

If you want to make this up to me (this does not mean a new chance!!) you call the number at the bottom of the page. No matter what happens, I’ll always have room for you in my heart. You even have your own little VIP lobby in there. And - if it’s urgent, call. I still care for you, and I always have. You were the best boyfriend I’ve had, but good things always come to and end, don’t they? Anyways, I’m tired so this letter fucking sucks, but deep down you know how much I love you. Remember to get groceries, shower, get fresh air and study. If I forgot something you can keep it, as long as you call the number and tell them you’re my friend. They’ll help you love. Try and get a part time job too, your student loan and your dad’s money won’t last forever. Good luck Koo. Hwaiting!!

-L/N Y/N <33″

You cringe when you think of the letter’s contents, before you roll out your suitcase out of the front door, whispering a faint “Goodnight Love.” as you close and lock the door behind you.

Standing by the elevator, you cry again. This time, louder, but you still reach for your phone and type out a text to the newly edited contact in your phone.

You [02:13 am]

coming outside now, im a crying mess and im super cold, is your car heated?

sorry for making you wait btw :((

Joonie <3 [02:13 am]

dont worry about the crying part, i’ll hold you. and yeah car is heated, so waiting here wasnt all that bad. you ready for this?

You [02:14 am]

i have no idea but i cant stay here any longer and i trust you sooo

lets start our new chapter. eh?

4 months later...

He had been good to you, great even.

You had been on expensive dates, picnics, had heart to heart conversations, and he’d been so understanding.

Today, it was your 2 month anniversary, and he had asked you on a magnificent date, which he had planned every second of.

At the end of the day, you told him how you don’t love him. He said it was alright. Namjoon loved you, so much, yet he understood you needed time.

You went to sleep that day, warm in Namjoon’s embrace, wondering how Jungkook was doing.

You felt bad, but you missed Jungkook.

You were both with someone new now, and you knew he was in good hands with someone stable enough to care for him.

Before your eyes closed shut, you shed a few quiet tears and hoped that you’d fall in love with Namjoon soon, and deep down you knew you would.

#jungkook x reader #jungkook angst #namjoon smut #jungkook ff #bts ff #bts imagines #bts scenarios #namjoon ff #bangtan smut #jungkook #jeon jeongguk #jeongguk ff

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malfoymanortings · 3 years

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somebody else PART 3

SUMMARY: Mae has been in love with Draco Malfoy since her first year at Hogwarts. Draco Malfoy fell in love with Mae in their fourth year, and then promptly fell into Pansy’s bed instead. All the while, Mae clings to the hope that Draco will change. That is, until, Ron Weasley takes his chance.

PAIRINGS: toxic!Draco x OC, Ron x OC, Ginny x Luna

TRIGGERS: slight mention of suicidal thoughts.

im not going to lie... i kinda hurt myself wriitng this one. hope you all enjoy! there will be one more part after this, so let me know if you would like to be added to the tag list.

Mae wasn’t sure exactly when it happened, but she began to view Ron Weasley as more than a friend.

The two of them had begun spending time alone more frequently, either at their stone ledge overlooking the Black Lake, or in the Gryffindor common room. Mae felt very comfortable with Ron, something she hadn't truly felt with Draco. With Draco, she had always felt she wasn’t good enough, and of course, he never hesitated to tell her that himself.

Ron was… so different. In a very good way. He never made fun of her admittedly loud boisterous laugh, he never made a crude comment when her hair was wildly out of place, he never gave her a dirty look when she ate. He laughed at most of her jokes, he made her feel wanted. It was a rather new thing for Mae.

Ron and her sat in the common room now, a game of Wizard’s chess between the two. Ron successfully overtook Mae’s king, winning the game. He gave her that smile of his, the slightly crooked, half lifted smile showcasing a glimpse of his pretty white teeth. She felt something flutter in her stomach then, and she swallowed hard as she returned his grin.

“Checkmate.” declared Ron, beginning to put the game away. Mae grumbled good naturedly, rolling her eyes.

“Next time, I get to pick the game, Ronald Weasley.” responded Mae loftily, brushing her hair out of her face.

Ron laughed, his eyes moving up to meet hers. They both stilled for a moment, tension between the two. Mae could feel each heartbeat thump through her chest, and she glanced down at Ron’s full lips. She let herself wonder, for a moment, what it would be like to kiss him. She wondered if he felt the same thing, for he shifted in his seat and licked his lips.

“Ron beat you again, hm?” Ginny’s voice broke the silence, as she plopped down on the couch next to Mae. “Guess everyone has to be talented at something.”

“That sounds like an insult.” remarked Ron, breaking eye contact with Mae.

“Very intuitive of you.”

Mae laughed at their banter, shaking her head. The look she had shared with Ron was not forgotten, and she couldn’t help but wonder if Ron would have kissed her had his sister not shown up.

She quickly squashed that thought. She didn’t want to get her heart broken again.

Harry burst into the common room then, heading straight for Ron. The three of them gasped as they realized Harry was soaking wet and dripping with blood.

“Where’ve you-? Why are you soaking -? Is that blood?” Ron stood, staring bewildered at Harry.

“I need your book,” Harry panted. “Your potions book. Quick… give it to me…”

“But what about the Half-Blood -?”

“I’ll explain later!”

Ron pulled into his bag and took his copy of their Potions book, handing it to Harry. Harry ran upstairs then, and before the three could speak about what he had done, he came barreling back downstairs with his schoolbag in hand.

Mae got a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach.

“What d’you think’s gotten into him?” Ginny questioned Ron, staring at the portrait hole Harry had disappeared from.

“Dunno..” Ron trailed off, staring the same.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen Harry like that,” said Mae quietly, resting her chin in her hand. “Is his life always so dramatic?”

“Yes,” both Ron and Ginny answered simultaneously.

“Alright then.” Mae widened her eyes slightly, slightly amused.

“I’m going to meet Luna for dinner,” Ginny stood, twisting her long red hair back into a bun. “Are you lot going to skip?”

“Ron, skip dinner?” Mae laughed, shaking her head. She stood up then, holding out a hand to Ron. “Come on, then.”

Ron took her hand, and Mae couldn’t stop a small smile as his large one engulfed her small one. As he stood, she took note that he didn’t attempt to remove his hand from hers. Again, her stomach fluttered at the thought.

The three of them left the common room, heading down to the Great Hall. As they passed the girls bathroom, they could hear Moaning Myrtle wailing about something.

“Harry Potter has killed Draco Malfoy!”

Mae stilled, her hand slipping out of Ron’s grasp. She felt as though her limbs were filled with ice, as Myrtle once again wailed the words.

“Draco Malfoy is dead at the hands of Harry Potter! Muder in the bathroom, murder in the bathroom!”

Ignoring Ron and Ginny, Mae ran into the bathroom, her heart beating wildly in her chest.

“Myrtle, where is Draco?” she asked wildly, staring at the ghost girl.

“Professor Snape sent him to Madam Pomfrey, although it’s too late!” wailed Myrtle, floating around the bathroom. “So much blood!”

Mae ran out of the bathroom, barely noticing Ron and Ginny calling out to her. Her blood pounded in her ears as she raced to the nurse, hoping beyond hope that Draco hadn’t really died. As she caught sight of him, she stopped.

He had been hurt, most definitely, his unbuttoned white undershirt now red with his blood. Madam Pomfrey was spreading dittany on his chest wounds, having already tended to his face. Mae felt her heart break as she waited for Madam Pomfrey to leave. Once she did, Mae walked over and took Draco’s hand.

He opened his eyes slowly, unfocused as they landed on her. “What are you doing here?”

“Myrtle said you died,” swallowing past the lump in her throat, Mae rubbed circles on his hand with her thumb. “I had to come see if you were alright.”

“Unfortunately, I am,” scoffed Draco, rolling his eyes. “Potter couldn’t be man enough to kill me.”

“Draco,” breathed Mae, her heart stilling as his words processed. “Why on earth would you want to die?”

Draco seemed uncomfortable now, as though he wished he hadn’t spoken those words. “I’m surprised you don’t want me dead. Aren’t you best friends with the pathetic trio now?”

“Just because I’m close with them, doesn’t mean I want you to die,” Mae stopped for a moment, thinking hard. “As much as I’ve wanted to hate you, I never could.”

“I’ve given you plenty reason to.” responded Draco quietly, averting his eyes.

“Yes,” nodded Mae, still holding his hand. “You have. But… through all of it, I loved you.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t love you properly,” Draco shut his eyes, his voice quiet. “I never really deserved you.”

“Draco…” Mae trailed off, a lump growing in her throat. She didn’t know what to say.

“If it isn’t too much to ask,” Draco paused, forcing his eyes open. “Could you kiss me, one last time?”

Mae felt her heart breaking all over again as she nodded. If he weren't on what seemed to be his deathbed, she probably would have said no. But for the first time in months, she felt like he was the Draco she had fallen in love with.

She bent down, pressing her lips against his cold ones. His hand reached up to grasp the back of her neck, fisting in her hair. His tongue parted her lips, exploring her mouth as he had done so many times before. His other hand came up to cup her cheek, his thumb grazing over her tears that had spilled out. She placed her hands on his cheeks, and she was surprised to find tears of his own. Perhaps they were hers that had fallen on his face, perhaps they were his from his injuries, or maybe, just maybe, he was crying over what they had lost.

Mae would never know.

She pulled away first, her heart aching once more. Draco opened his eyes, his expression unreadable.

“I think I’m in love with Ron,” whispered Mae, a tear slipping down her cheek. “He’s nice to me.. And I rather enjoy that.”

Draco shut his eyes, taking a deep breath. “Be happy with him, then.”

Mae nodded, and she stood from his bedside. They gave each other once last look, and Draco seemed, for the first time, apologetic. She turned then, and left the hospital wing. Ginny was standing outside, appearing to have been waiting for her. She was sympathetic, her arms crossed.

“Ron would be better for you, you know,” said Ginny quietly, shaking her head slightly. “Draco will never be the man you want.”

“I know,” Mae nodded, feeling confused. “I don’t want Draco.”

Ginny stilled, raising an eyebrow. “Then why did you kiss him?”

“Because he asked…” trailed off Mae, looking down at her shoes, and back up at the ginger. “I needed the closure.”

Ginny scoffed. “Some closure. Ron saw you, you know.”

“He what?” Mae looked around, but didn’t see him. “Where is he?”

“Well,” Ginny let out a deep breath, shifting awkwardly. “He saw, and he got mad. Dunno where he went from there.”

“I just saw Ronald head back towards your common room,” the girls turned to see Luna walking towards them, barefoot. “He seemed quite upset.”

Mae felt panic rise in her chest. “Thanks, Luna.”

“No problem.” replied Luna, snaking an arm around Ginny’s waist. The redhead pressed a quick kiss to the blonde’s temple.

“I’m going to go explain to him.” Mae told the girls, who nodded. Mae left them then, hurrying to the common room. She didn’t want Ron to have the wrong impression. She had to tell him how she felt, that it was him she wanted, if he would have her.

Thankfully, Hermione was entering the common room just as Mae turned the corner.

“Hermione,” called Mae, rushing over to her. “Can I come see if Ron is in there?”

“Sure.” Hermione nodded, pushing the portrait open. The girls stepped inside, and Mae felt her heart freeze in her chest as she caught sight of Ron.

Ron was wrapped up in Lavender Brown, the girl sitting on Ron’s lap as his hands twisted in her wavy blonde hair. They were snogging, heavily, and Mae’s still fragile heart broke into bits as she witnessed the scene.

“Mae..” Hermione began, but Mae left before she could say a word.

Tears burned her eyes as she fled through the castle, her chest aching as she replayed the scene over and over in her head. She spit out the password to her dorm, rushing up the stairs to her room. The room was quiet, empty, as most everyone was at dinner. Her appetite was gone.

Her chest ached and she lay on her side, facing the wall. Tears slipped out of her eyes as she stared, unseeing, the scene of Ron snogging Lavender replaying in her mind until she fell into an uneasy sleep.

taglist: @phantomsmalfoystyles @lidiyabest @justmimithings @xoxohollands @xmtd5 @glossydols @bisousmorningstar @dracoswifeyy @reaganwonders @big-galaxy-chaos (if i missed anyone, I do apologize! just let me know if i did)

Part one

Part two

Part four

#draco imagine #draco malfoy #draco fuckingmalfoy #draco fucking malfoy #draco x y/n #draco x oc #draco x mae #ron weasley #ron weasley x oc #ron weasley x reader #ron x y/n #fred weasley #ginny weasley #ginny x luna #luna lovegood #Harry Potter #hp #hp x oc #ron x mae

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kazayneo · 3 years

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*runs in here* heyheyhey. im in the mood to ramble about old cringy stories and im gonna make it everyone’s problem

*cracks knuckles* so- theres a story that lingers in my mind sometimes!! its still unnamed but i consider it a main story, a story that lasted in my mind for a long time and something that is,,at least more developed than other stories haha its very loosely based off of rpg games- with classes and adventurers and monsters and magic and the like

the story centers around 6(?) main characters in an adventurer group thing they all came from different places all around the world, but through a string of coincidences, they all ended up in the middle continent oh!! and also!! theres the geography of this world theres 3 known continents, with tiny islands scattered around near them theyre all named, i just dont remember what i called them

theres the 1st continent, the one where magic is everywhere and mages thrive. in fact, most of the strongest mages are born there. its very old fashioned, maybe medieval inspired, and theres a large empire ruling it, with a royal family at it's head. power-hungry nobles fight for power, and commoners struggle below them. meanwhile, there’s a succession war going on between the empire’s 2 heirs. it’s not at it’s peak yet, but it’s still there in the background. there used to be a 3rd heir who disappeared years ago, and there are rumors of her return. who knows, though? the royal family has a lot of skeletons in their closet.

theres the 3rd continent, where magic is limited and very rare. to the point where mages are either outcasted or used as very important weapons its very futuristic, the technology is the most advanced out of the 3 continents. after all, the 3rd continent has the harshest environment out of all 3. and with its very limited natural magic, the humans living there needed to adapt to survive its a dystopian type of society with an oppressive government. but, underground and hidden away, there are many resistances plotting to take it down

and then theres the 2nd continent, the middle one where the story starts and where the main cast meet up its the one in between the 1st and 3rd continents, both physically and metaphorically theres a balance of technology and magic there the 2nd continent is divided into small villages and governments and kingdoms. the balance of magic and technology, and the ideals and laws vary between these places. but generally, they are fairly neutral

hmmm the 1st and 3rd continents are at war with eachother and even tho most people from the 2nd continent are trying to stay out of this war, they are still caught up in the crossfire, since the 2nd continent is in between the 1st and 3rd continents thats where the main cast comes in, kinda the main cast is mostly made up of characters who came from either the 1st or 3rd continents, but ran to the 2nd continent to hide, for various reasons and the rest of them are already super duper tired of the war and the way it has destroyed their land even tho the continents(nations?) all look cool on the surface, theyre all falling apart at the seams everyone just want the war to end

hmm wait i have some backstory for some of them that i remember- rima(i think her name was rima) was a talented mage who specialized in healing. she was also born in the 3rd nation she was given a choice, either join the war as a weapon or get left behind with no shelter in a world where everyone is against her and despite her prickly exterior, shes kind at heart. she would never hurt anyone if she doesnt need to and so she flees

theres also,,,healy and levin im pretty sure?? dont remember them that much healy is a blind girl born in a noble family, with levin as her guard and older brother figure. i dont exactly remember what happened, but healy betrays her family as well as the royal family, and is banished from the kingdom levin goes with her

kiki, stupid name but still, was a street kid in the 2nd nation, who survived on stealing stuff from different villages she was always on the run. maybe there were kind families who gave her shelter, but they never lasted because of the war shes seen how desperate people can get when they needed to survive in such harsh conditions, seen the destruction of the war and the effects it has on others, shes been caught in the crossfire so many times and lost so much- she promised herself never to stay still again kiki's fast and full of spite. her speed kept her alive. if shes given the chance, maybe she can outrun the war too and never feel that pain again

ooo theres also so many side characters that ended up stealing the spotlight from the main cast fun fact for the 1st nation, the one with the empire, the royal family *isnt doing so great* theres a divide between the king and queen, who married for purely political reasons and never got along well they had 2 biological children, isolde(the original one), and,,,* squints at notes * theo?? im pretty sure?? isolde was the oldest one, with theo being the 2nd one. they grew up together, just them against the world until * insert political thing that i completely forgot * happened and isolde is banished from the kingdom because the empire has a system in place where the royals are required to have 2 heirs, so that they can have a succession war to place the strongest as the ruler, there needed to be a 2nd heir after isolde was banished so they adopted rose, an orphan with incredible magic and talent. rose is the youngest child

what happened to isolde? she fled to take refuge in the 3rd nation, the only nation who agreed to take in the banished princess no kingdom from the 2nd nation agreed to do so, because they were afraid of becoming enemies to the 1st nation isolde agreed to join the war as a combat medic and a strategist for the 3rd nation, rising up the ranks super quickly and eventually landing a position as the head healer this is all hidden from the royal family back in the 1st nation, before they eventually find her on the battlefield, on the other side (maybe)

oh and also!! the royal family mm so remember the conflict between the king and queen? yea. they both played the funky favorites game since isolde inherited the queen's incredibly strong healing magic, she was the queen's favorite. isolde reminded the queen of herself, since isolde grew up naive and cheerful and kind. the queen wanted to protect that innocence. but naivety doesnt last long in war and the king's favorite was rose, the orphan he personally picked as a potential heir. like the queen and isolde, rose reminded the king of himself, because she grew up in hopeless circumstances that made her form a hard and prickly shell to survive. and despite that, rose still had the motivation to rise up. the king respects that. and so rose is his favorite theo is kinda just,,caught in the middle. hes the middle child, the mediator, the golden child who is somehow still forgotten by everyone

and yknow the kingdom that the family rules? everyone there have kinda,,extreme thoughts on both princesses some love isolde and hate rose. these are the ones who are in full support of the queen some love rose and hate isolde. these are the ones who support the king but everyone has good opinions on theo. hes just the universal ":D" yknow? most people expected him to be the future ruler. and maybe it gets exhausting, always being the neutral one. hes tired and lonely, he misses isolde and he cant get to rose no matter how hard he tries man he just wants a happy family again HAJSKAHKAS

ohh and theres also the side characters from the 3rd nation theres a lot of resistances against the oppressive government, but theres a big resistance that the government is the most determined to squash it started out small, with maybe 6-7 people in it. these are the og members. theyre the leaders of the current resistance (maybe theres some parallels to the main cast?)

but back when they were 1st starting to get big, one of the og members went missing after a mission his name,,,,dave. lets call him dave. dave was captured and force to join the government or else,,,something back happens im pretty sure but idk and so dave cooperates with them and years and years go by, when the og members are forced to move on and prioritize the movement. they shifted into a new dynamic, one without their friend. but things were never the same

until one day, one of them find dave on the other side of the battlefield, wearing the uniform of the governemnt's millitary everything stops for just a moment, as the leaders look at him in shock then, screams and cries ring around them, and they look around to see that they are surrounded dave turns away (thats when the resistance leaders and most of its members are captured. dave is a traitor. or is he? dun dun dun)

#copied straight from discord babyyyy #wow this is long HJKSHKDAHSKDS #i loved this story back then #maybe i'll come back to it again in the future? who knows #bongo writes #yes indeed i created this so that i dont have to spam every single time a friend agrees to listen to me #heeyyy pspspspsp babes from the gc if you're reading this hello

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min3nc · 4 years

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i have absolutely no idea what i was dreaming about but apparently it was about a videogame and im gonna write some ideas i managaded to keep on my mind when i got up and walked to the computer

-the main protagonist is a one in a trillion chance kinda guy, not because theyre special in the way they are, but because they actually like, an identical twin and albino and has got green eyes etc etc. also, they’re super unlucky

-the twin in question is out of the picture until the end. you’ll know why

-You were with your sibling camping, and you got there after talking to your twin, and they say how tired they are and fall asleep against a cabin with a door in front of them while you decide to stay up while your sibling sleeps. they must be tired. remember the door.

-you fall asleep eventually, and you wake up in a world full of blue. the sky seems to be covered in a dome of what looks like to be leaves. if you look harder you can spot what seems to be a tree’s trunk rising from somwhere.

-a little girl of blue hair follows you around and keeps you company. she fills you in on what’s going on in the world after calling you a weirdo for not knowing what’s going on. she’s nice after that, though she sometimes disappears out of nowhere and appears at random times. you like her regardless

-apparently the words has been enclosed on these blue leaves that serve as an asmotpshere after this particular zone got sucked in a worm hole. a one in a trillion occurrence.

-because of that the land around you got frozen in time while some others didn’t, and you were asleep for like actually a few hundred years. your sibling is still asleep

-so you get out and travel this zone of land that’s apparently settled in space’s country Nowhere and people call it No Man’s land (fuck you no man’s sky) and there’s cities and since some where frozen in time some look to be in different time spaces than others. some are cowboys. some are trying to stay as ‘’contemporary’’ as they can. some are just pirates because of course you decided to go camping near a lake.

-the blue girl is kinda hated? you don’t know why someone would hate this 4′8 girl that looks to be around 7 and is smarter than what you would think of a girl her age.

-you meet a lot of people, and you decide they are all kinda messed up. Depression is a normal thing around here, since there’s a lot of people who are either survivors of the worming holing thingy

-physics got kind of fucked up when you slept inside that weird place, so you can freeze time. hooray. also, you can listen to people’s thoughts whenever you do that. there’s some pretty fucked up people around here and it’s kinda scary. not so hooray.

-after a while you meet people, and you make friends, maybe romance some idiots. blue girl becomes like your daughter.

-and then of course when you make connections here and you have a mortgage and close friends, you get the news of one of your many good friends about a worm hole being about to open again.

-it was a miracle for the local scientists to have been able to detect that, and to be able to pinpoint where it was going to happen.

-the cabin where your twin was still sleeping.

-and there’s little to no time to get there because of course everyone wants to either get out of here or stop people from destroying the society they had built on No Man’s land.

-it’s a race to there for everyone. except you. of course you have plenty of time.

-so you turn your superpower, and you take your time to get to that cabin because the guilt of having forgotten about your twin is eating you up

-but it wasn’t like they were really close to you. you vaguely remember them when you were kids and you were just now trying to reconnect. they were very depressed and this camping trip was your idea. they, for once, seemed to light up and agreed

-they spent a few hours looking around the place and sometimes looked into the horizon wistfully.

-back to No Man’s land, you’re walking among the people who wanted to get out of there. Your superpower is on, and you can listen how desperate they are to get out or try to keep someone from leaving the place, a husband, a sister, a dear friend. you even see some of the people you befriended along the way, running, and maybe you stop and your hands linger around them. and you get a look of the world from their eyes. you feel even more guilty after seeing their reasons to leave, and you consider stopping using your power. maybe if you see your lover, you drop the idea of leaving completely.

-but you don’t. not this time around

-you keep walking until you’re near the cabin.

-then she appears. your daughter. and you feel guilty to having forgotten about her.

-you don’t hear her thoughts because she’s not frozen in time. you double check and find everything else is still frozen, everything but her.

-’’i thought you loved me? ‘’ and you’re speechless. of course you love her. you propose she comes with you

-’’ i cant leave this place. ‘’ and you see her disappear in a pool of leaves. and you see her reappear out of a pool of leaves. ‘’i’m the tree, and i can live [she pronounces it kind of like leaf] forever. you do too. don’t you wanna stay with me?’’

-you consider dropping the power.

-if you do, you kneel down and hug her. everything around you starts moving. you can hear people running your way, and before they appear on your line of sight, you see the cabin disappear.

-if you don’t, you mutter a sorry, and you walk inside.

-everything is like you remember it was before leaving.

-your sibling is still sleeping in front of a door, and the door emits an eerie light. you’ve gotta decide if you wake them up or walk past them.

-waking them up means you have to turn off your superpower and they get to go first, because you’re still feeling guilty, and you think it should be fair for them to get out of this hole first.

-you try to wake them up, and you can hear the people coming your way. you decide to take your sibling and throw them into the room where the eerie light came from, and they disappear into thin air. then, you enter the room

-and nothing happens.

-you hear how people are coming your way, and you find yourself unable to freeze time.

-you hear your daughter’s voice, and when you see people in front of you, holding onto the doorframe, you panic. And then everything freezes.

-you’re left to wander a frozen in time No Man’s land, where only your daughter walks among you and the only voices you can hear that are not her are the ones from the people you’ve frozen as they painfully come to realize time isn’t moving and they can’t do anything against it.

-if you don’t wake them up and it’s you the one who walks inside the room, you go through the worm hole. and you get thrown into your childhood home, and your sibling is there.

-until your mom comes and she calls you by your sibling’s name, and them by yours.

-you can’t tell her she’s wrong. you can’t speak that well, you’re a kid right now.

-memories fade as you grow up, and you get some flashes sometimes of a life that used to be yours, and you can’t help but feel sad and out of place. you get depressed.

-until your sibling suggests you go camping. you really liked that tree that had blueish leaves, and you had a perfect view of it from the cabin your sibling had rented for you two to spend the night in.

-and then you take a nap. and you wake up as a child, once again.

#ding ding i'm gonna delete this in a few #i'm just rambling dude #this was a fucked up concept #i swear i know what's going on #long post

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la-felinosphere · 4 years

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The parings gen suggests things and I react.

(I’ve just thought I should have done these as ship rates, or, you know, actually like written drabbles of them or something… maybe later!)

This - obviously - isn’t everything it came up with in order, and I’m not… particularly pushing any of these lol, but I thought these all were pretty entertaining for one reason or another. But, hey, if you should feel inspired to take any of these and run with them, or any other interesting results from the gen, I’d love to hear about them!

I…. see, this is just a genuine classic “LOL HOW” couple, but, I am kinda weirdly intrigued

okay, gen, I GET it, you want me to branch out with my Teazer ships!! And I mean. Seems fractionally more likely to happen than Munkustrap/Teazer

?!?! I’ve never seen this in my life I don’t think but..? Something with them both being intuitive maybe — honestly of the two, Demeter is the more outgoing and

HMMM I feel like the gen has been watching the 2019 movie and if that’s where this came from HMMM. Again, a nice beautiful wHAT nonsense overall, but, hey, make it work! they both appreciate the finer things, know what they like…. PLS, Busto tries to take Tugger for a nice dinner some place and Tugger cannot make up his mind orz

Hmmm, feel like there’d be some people interested in this? if you can figure how you want the timelines to go!

!??! hahaha, in the same fic as Coricopat/Demeter, just to pair everyone up neatly, but again — temperaments-wise…actually… why not?

Demeter / Tantomile - oH OH, maybe just because I’m a big lesbian, but I’m suddenly more interested in this…!?

I’ve left Macavity/Tantomile on there because 1) demonstration in a small way of how the gen gets fixated on one character sometiems and ships them with EVERYONE. 2) …I mean it’d be too dramatic for words but ….? both those relationships, in the same thing? ie both Demeter and Tant have some kind of background with Macavity (sorry, Maccy, I’m assuming it didn’t last either…), and thus… well, they at least have a lot to talk about.

Operation Ship Rumpelteazer With Srius Authority Figures continues apace I see! (well — Alonzo’s one of those characters that could go any way.. I can’t think of any particular interaction with these two, but, so here’s another, sure, go for it, make it work for me.)

again with the Tantomile ships!

UHH…. meanwhile… for a variety of reasons… not so sure about this one….

OR THIS ONE UHH (yep, I know there’s risk of chaos inherent in including the characters from Growltiger, and here we are presented with it..)

OH OH bless I used to ship these two quite a lot, in my heart <3

oOOOooo, now, interesting! they can bond over being vague and aloof and in love with both Victoria and Tugger.

So, this seemed to be kinda weirdly hinted at in the movie—I feel like it was hardly ever considered before really, Griz seems to be an older generation, half the time she’s Macavity and/or Munku’s and/or Tugger’s mother.

Dude, tbh a whole stack of solid ships right there, alternatives anyway. I have a special soft spot for Munku/Bomba — really just their relationship and as friends rather than as a couple, but idk, could be. (Meanwhile, Tugger/Demeter.)

“His bosun, Tumblebrutus”, I assume, not the kitten who surely couldn’t have been even alive at the same point? Well! If you wanna go ahead and give Growltiger backstory! What happened with them? What about Griddlebone?

He likes her because she’s MYSTERIOUS and disappears off all the time…?!?

I mean I can’t… really… see this, but. WELL, 1 it reminds me I want to see more of Bomba and Deme hanging out with Jellylorum — and Jenny too maybe? I think they probably are a slightly younger set, but, they seem to relate a lot in the show. 2. … no I’ve forgotten 2, but hey maybe I need to be more open minded on this one, esp if Munkustrap/Skimble is now a popular pairing and these two are kinda the “other half” of the more traditional ships, why not?!?

Poor Adme, except for this one fic I never really got his character very developed, but hey, their names go together very nicely, so, I support this idea.

PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO COME OUT OF CATS 2019

YES SURE WHY NOT, in fact going off non-2019 canon I like this one better.

I did warn you there was no mechanism against this happening, honestly I can’t believe this is the first same character pair to come up.

uh??? They can… compare notes on what it is like to be a living legend, I guess? (ahaha in supernatural-drama!fic starring Adme who taps into some Rumpus Cat powers actually this DID try to happen; anyway she tried to chat him up to get info.)

oh, my girls! I think I’ve been more of a Vicki/Jem shipper but I could get on board with this.

….Close enough

PLEASE :DDD

Oho yes, I mean this is somewhat implied, right?

?!? I don’t know?? again, just never used to consider, partly because no one ever used to ship Jenny with anyone except Bustopher or Skimble, but?? I think as I age I just more and more want good things for Bombalurina so?!?

My MJ+RT instincts are just so strong that as with the Rumpelteazer ships it’s hard to think of anything else, but… maybe?

Here it is! This has gotten to be quite a thing recently, hasn’t it? it’s quite new to me!

Probably a reasonably standard kitten ship?

…should I just note that I’ve gotten Tantomile/Tantomile three times now? please calm down gen.

Hee! I feel like they move in different spheres most of the time, but, some train-based story?

IM ACTUALLY INTRIGUED.

…I need to stop. That’s it for now!

Top 5 ideas to come out of this — either because I think they’re actually workable or I just NEED TO KNOW MORE

5. Misto/Rumpelteazer - ???

4. Rum Tum Tugger/Bustopher Jones - not even really as a ship, but I now want that fic of poor Busto trying to take RTT on a nice dinner date

3. Munkustrap/Bombalurina - like I say I haven’t really shipped them romantically, but I now kinda want someone to. show me how it goes.

2. Quaxo/Plato - this must be a thing already? surely??

1. DEMETER/TANTOMILE ft. sordid past with Macavity optionally - INTRIGUED I TELL YOU

#rumpelteazer #bombalurina #munkustrap #tantomile #cats the musical #random pairings #silliness #random pairings gen

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hakunayourtitatas · 6 years

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HELLO EVERYONE!

It’s not very often that y’all see something from me on this tumblr that isn’t meme-worthy or some sort of support post but seeing as 2017 has been a long and FUCKIN HARD year I figured it deserved some sort of summary. 2017 marked the end of 13 years of schooling, 12 ½ of which were done at the same school (help). As much as I always said I despised that place with every atom in my being, it ended up being quite difficult to leave, almost like leaving a second home? Leaving my fav teachers and HOY and accepting I wouldn’t see my friends as much was a pretty tough part. BUT some positive stuff that came from 2017… INCLUDING THE FACT IM NOT DEAD YET which is quite incredible considering my constant state of depression and self-deprecating jokes but all good, all good. I ended up being ranked overall in the top 7 of Australia for my sport, which was pretty cool considering how many hundreds of hours of training and early mornings and tears went into it. I earned international benchmark scores, earned medals and trophies from every competition except 1 and started to gain heaps of confidence.

I had my school ball and formals, got closer with heaps of people and met some cool new ones and shoved some toxic people out the back door (lmao gtfo nobody likes u). I met a new family, who have all but adopted me and taken me under their wing… someone who’s a second mum/sister and bestfriend that I’ve known for years, her partner who pretty much qualifies as my adoptive dad and someone who made my heart so incredibly happy and broke it when I least expected it. Shit happens. Eh. I’ll get over it eventually… 2 days before Christmas though? Over text??? Really man?? C’mon… ouch. MOVING ON I graduated highschool and picked my grades up SLIGHTLY above my self-esteem and ended up getting just the right OP/exit score for my dream course at university, being accepted into an elite sport college and receiving early acceptance into the course at uni I’ve wanted to do since I was a little girl. I got my license! Yay driving everywhere and not having to rely on a parental! I also got my first job so that’s pretty lit. I went on holidays (!!!) after nationals to New Zealand for 2 weeks and even though look sometimes it was miserable/a bit tough at some points overall it was really fun and I learnt heaps about the culture and how glaciers are melting and stuff. ON ANOTHER FRIENDSHIP NOTE I’ve actually become heaps closer with one of my ex’s who has been a wonderful friend ever since we were little. He always puts a smile on my face and has something positive to say lately and it’s made a heap of difference in my bad days at training or sad spam insta posts.

TIME FOR SOME SAD STUFF or ya know not so positive stuff… idk I can’t really think of anything that’s hardcore significant right now but I did end up leaving a lot of people and things behind in 2017, everyone’s like “yea 2017 was a fucking SHITTTEEEE year” and im just kinda like, meh. Like… bad things have happened sure and I’ve been hurting and struggling a lot at times but does that really render the whole year to be shit? Nah fam – just some shit times, doesn’t mean the whole thing has to be generalized that way. I did get rid of some toxic and unnecessarily nasty people, like dude I don’t have time for this and I really don’t care what you have to say so just kindly do us all a favor and fuck right off kthxbai. I did get really hurt by the person I least expected to hurt me this year though, and that was quite a blow tbh. In relation to that I have bad days and kinda ok days… but it still isn’t great ya feel? It takes time to get over these things and im always prepared to accept that but it doesn’t reduce the healing time. Hopefully we work things out and I can talk it out with him bc ya know his mum really fucked things up bro… like genuinely everyone who has an opinion on the situation (close friends, relatives etc.) believe it was purely her influence and his impressionability but ya know when this stuff happens and they don’t tell anyone or discuss any possible issues in the relationship with anyone other than the primary influencer, there’s nothing anyone can do to prepare for it or accept what’s happened because usually the other person doesn’t understand either. I don’t think he really understands what happened but hopefully it turns around. If it doesn’t, I wish him all the best. There’s nothing else you can do man, it just weighs you down.

FOR ANYONE STILL READING CONGRATS YOU’RE ALMOST AT THE END I PROMISE but look in summary 2017 wasn’t a shit year. It definitely had shit moments but that doesn’t mean the whole thing needs to be reviewed as “shit”. However, I genuinely hope 2018 is better, and fuck me im gonna be writing 2017 on everything for the next 3 months… rip potato chip. IT IS CURRENTLY NEW YEARS EVE EVE but I would have forgotten to do this tomorrow and I’m looking forward to spending the countdown with the people who are part of my new family (minus ya know the guy… we haven’t spoken since the breakup soooo yea idk I do feel more comfortable without him there and im glad they gave me that option). I hope y’all had a great Christmas, and that 2018 is better for everyone.

DON’T FORGET TO HAKUNA UR TITATAS OKEH? OKEH. ❤️

#2018 #2017 #em talks #a

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wdfa · 7 years

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coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me!

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed.

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!!

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.

#trumpet hate #personal #wow this was..... so much..........#literally no one is gonna read this but it was mostly for me anyways so [shrug emoji]#caps /#negative /#self hate /#transphobia /#cissexism /#menstruation mention //#the experience #ask to tag

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anarchistdribble · 5 years

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Love story

Now is isn’t going to be your normal boy sees girl boy falls in love with girl and her him, that’s not how life works, if it were easy you wouldn’t know you are in love, that you have to fight and it’s ugly at times and it never seems to make sense that you met the right person at the wrong time, but everything happens for a reason, to quote my psychology professor “if you are in love with someone, you won’t be interested in someone else. If you are then you aren’t in love” which still stays with me after eight years it’s one of those comments that just hits close and stays. Now im just the narrator but I like the quote it could be true it could not be, depends on your outlook.

This is the story of a boy not a man not a gentleman on the outside, on the outside he looked rough not the rough and roguishly ruggedly handsome, more of the has been through the ringer, that in his eyes they were cold and piercing as in he could look through you, make you seem like you don’t matter, he was your well outcast, loner, punk, drunk, stoned, foul mouthed bad attitude having rebel and clichéd without a call or purpose. He had no idea what he wanted to do with his life that it was the true punk soul working crap jobs living week to week just riding on the universe, no goals no plans just things came up and he took them he jumped at the opportunity didn’t care where he wound up that if he just followed his heart and threw all caution to wind and took what he wanted, oh how naive he was how he was about to fall head first and not realise it. That he did his normal have a beer with his co-workers and close up give a lift for a joint and head to the normal hang out, but half way he got the message “new person behave and probably get drunk or high before” well shit, he thought just a split and a few drinks watching Max TV music but hey go with it this was a good friend after all. So he went to the bottle shop and got his normal for meeting new people a bottle of vodka, a hip flask of tequila and a bottle of rum or bourbon to drink socially, well hold and drink once everyone passed out. As he pulled up he was informed a girl would be there but she was taken so not to try anything with her “yeah, get fucked, I’ll just be me you gotta control me” he send back as he pulled up the nerves hit him the shaking came on, “well here we go” he said as he skilled the bottle of vodka and lit his jay and paced up and down the street thinking “I hope she is nice, hopefully she will like us, well me, I hope she is cool, well here comes the vodka and drugs time to see what happens” he went through the side gate with the spare key when he turned the corner he wasn’t prepared for what he saw.

As he looked up from lighting his cigarette he felt his heart jump into his throat, his heart stopped then just pounded like nothing before. He thought clearly this was just the drugs and drink taking full effect, he would come to learn he was wrong, so very wrong. He knew she was just divine, perfect, pure light and beauty. He took a seat at the table full of people as he looked around the table and greeted everyone, his eyes kept being drawn to her, she wasn’t doing anything special to draw his eyes. He kept looking at her, okay it wasn’t looking he was admiring her, just taking in that she was real, that he just couldn’t believe his eyes that here, here was an angel, the girl the one he saw in his twisted dreams that she was real and sitting there his clichéd angel from his nightmares that her face plagued his dreams, that haunted him with its purity, with her unrivalled beauty. He made sure to not catch her gaze though, not yet, not until the alcohol took full effect and he had the courage to actually talk to her, just the thought sent his heart into his throat and he knew he wouldn’t be able to say anything but stammer like an idiot. As the night progressed into just drunken chatter he worked up the courage to talk to her not in a one on one kinda way just try and include her in the conversations get her to talk a little, he didn’t care he was drunk and she wasn’t being as social as he would like, but when she spoke, oh when she spoke, his heart caught on fire he felt something this love and passion for this girl her voice was just heavenly even as she cursed the house down. He was drawn to it like a moth to a flame and yet he wasn’t bothered if he caught fire, if like Icarus his wings caught fire and burned up, that he didn’t care because he got close to her sun, that it was her holy flame that scorched him, that he would try and try again. That he wanted, needed to be in her radiance that it was the most amazing thing he had ever felt that he knew he needed it for as long as he drew breath.

As the night turned to day he sat upon the rooftop drinking and having a cigarette and joint. He smiled as he looked beside him, “fuck, well fuck” he whispered quietly to himself before just screaming at the top of his lungs, much to the displeasure to the people getting into their cars for work, “fuck ‘em” he thought. The girl started being around more often which made him ever happy, though that voice in the back of his head, his conscious, some other mental fuckery that reminded him she had a boyfriend, he thought about that he had no idea who her boyfriend was, and that he didn’t care he was excited to just have her around, that or now it was enough for him. As the nights of hanging out turned into daytime, those days turned to weeks to months to years he felt something click inside of him. He couldn’t place what it was right then and there but it would come to haunt him later, along with a lot of his memories that his demons were starting to scratch down the walls. So he picked up more night shifts, he figured just work it will be okay. It was a full year later he came to realise he had been used, it wasn’t even first time he had that didn’t matter, what hurt him most was that such a beautiful creature had done so, that unless he organised and supplied the drink and drugs that only two people actually wanted to have gone out sober, that only those two people invited him to do things, that of his group of over twenty only two remained one he knew for years one he’d known for three months. He always thought about the girl where she was what she was doing, if she ever thought of him like he did her. He smacked the side of his head “shut up, shut up shut the fuck up, she’s gone, you missed your only chance, burry this deep down, put out that fire. It time to be cold, to protect ourselves again” he yelled as he sped down the highway. He didn’t care about the police or the limit he just knew where he was going, like an archer pulled back the arrow that was he, he slammed right into the bullseye of where he wanted to be, he also hit the mark of becoming cold and calculated. He thought if it was so easy for everyone to use him, well now it was his turn he was going to break as many hearts as he could tear down all the beautiful people make society pay. He didn’t have anything left they could take, so he will take everything he can.

He spent his time making girls fall for him, letting them think they were getting close before he left, sometimes he said goodbye most of the time he just moved on leaving hearts aching in his wake. Everyone thought he was just a player that he was just after numbers. He wasn’t, he only had eyes for her and he wouldn’t let anyone else get close to him, to show them where he goes to disappear, to think, to write for and about her. That she was always on his mind, he’d never forget that smile, the way she glowed, her beauty, her amazing eyes. He couldn’t forget her it would kill him if he ever did that he never wanted to. He always missed her, thought of calling or messaging just to see how she was. He was scared of her though such a beautiful creature wouldn’t want the likes of him around nor would she want him around let alone feel anything for him, so he drank and got high, deliberately too drunk or high to use his phone that he did it for courage but never messaged her or called because he couldn’t think of what to say, that he didn’t want to ramble on like an idiot that he wanted to know her and let her know him, but he was burned before he didn’t why he trusted her it had been years but it never left, he couldn’t escape his feelings for her.

He slept with a girl by accident and ran away in the morning and he felt bad she wasn’t like the others yet, at least. He had grown tired of using girls and breaking their hearts. That she didn’t make him happy he was content, he thought that was enough, that he had never felt true happiness before and thought this was good enough, but he was wrong so wrong. That he hated almost everyday he spent with her that he still longed for the girl he had met years before. He remembered what he had done in the past all the pain and heartache, all the suffering he had caused to people. He saw her as his penance for what he had done in the past, that he wouldn’t ever be happy in this relationship but he was okay with this. Months turned to years he thought he could learn to love her, he didn’t hate her, he didn’t hate having her around either, he was complacent he figured that’s what relationships were. He never forgot that girl, he figured that she had forgotten about him, that he hoped one day he would run into her again and maybe it could go back to how it was before between them. Just as he came to terms with never seeing her again his phone went off as he looked at it his phone, he felt something, something surge throughout his body a surge of joy and amazement, it was her, the girl of his dreams reaching out like should have done before but she scared him to the core, made his heart pound, took his breath away and sent his head into a whirl and the biggest stupidest grin come across his face. He waited, okay counted down the time until he saw her, he was going to get dressed up but decided against it and just to dress as she had seen him before. As he arrived his heart jumped into his throat, all he could do was go and get a beer before even talking to her.

As he spent more time around her, she wanted to get to know him more, she well I wouldn’t call it asking more pressing because she wanted to know, he got caught off guard that she a tally wanted to know about his past, that she heard all the things he had done and she just held him and gave him a drink and a cigarette, that she knew nothing she could say would do anything that she knew her actions said more that she knew just to listen, that he didn’t want her to help that she asked and he gave himself to her that she opened herself to him, that he listened to her and felt her, felt her emotions, showed up when it was rough and just made her laugh and feel better. That when she was upset he made her see reasons, broke down everything and helped her. That without the her knowledge he showed her ways to deal with her flux of emotions, that he saw too much of him old self in her that he would do anything to stop her going where he went, he couldn’t let her, nay he wouldn’t let her, then it happened, the worst happened. He didn’t see her for a little bit and thought she was okay. That was until she asked him to pick her up, nothing unusual but he felt something, unknown to him it was despair, her despair but he agreed to get her and when he did he got the rush of emotions from her. She was starting to spiral no one saw it but he did. She was drinking to fill the void of loosing her jobs, he knew that pain all too well. Instead of telling her to stop, he knew she wouldn’t listen to him, not yet. He drank with her never getting too drunk to not take care of her but letting her get drunk and sitting with her making her talk and making her feel important, special, that she mattered that he knew, he knew she would land on her feet that while everyone else just watched her fall, he spent all his energy being given there showing her she is worth it getting fucked up talking all night, watching her favourite movies, playing games when no one else cared to. He held her hand the whole way back he grabbed her by the waist and kept her above the water. She tried to push him away, he never let it he made sure to keep her afloat when no one else would, he gave her ways to deal with every thing, because he had done it before he knew how to, he helped rebuild her stronger then she had ever been. That he made sure she was safe, that when he wasn’t there someone kept an eye on her, he was disappointed on the people he asked to look after her because they didn’t do what was asked, they didn’t bother. So he started to come over more, stay the night reassuring her she was loved that she was worth the effort he put into her.

As the pair grew closer and closer they became more attached to each other, not just physically, but emotionally and even spiritually. Over time they entrusted their own fears and dreams to each other, she was the only one he wanted to know all of his fears and dreams, he gave all of himself to her as she did to him and he listened and came up with plans to show her he listened and would help counter the fears she had because she needn’t worry about them that he would take them from her and give her the life of happiness she needed and deserved, he made sure to tell her everything, well almost everything she knew the most about him but that still wasn’t very much no one knew everything about him, he couldn’t nor had he learned to trust anyone yet, but she was close, she had the ability to tear him apart and crush him but she never used it, he became scared if she ever would. That was his worry, right now he had to make sure she was happy that she was living the life she wanted not what she thought she deserved. So he pushed her to do her best reminded her she needs to push her boundaries because they are only set by her and he could see all the potential inside of her and wanted to bring it out make it glisten and shine in the light of her peers make them cower at what she can do and that they are worthy to have her.

Slowly their friend ship blossomed into something more they both couldn’t explain what it was but it was pure and joyous, they never made small talk they didn’t know how either they talked until their throats were sore, or sung along badly to bad music and even danced it was strange they danced as if the other knew exactly what came next, they had a flow while dancing and the biggest smiles you’ve ever seen. She knew how to dance a certain way but when he grabbed her and danced with her it was his style he didn’t exactly lead her in the dance just put her where she wanted to be, let her twirl away then pull her back in so close. It was a sight and gained attention from those who saw it lots of glances and on lookers she never noticed them she was in her own world just being with him feeling the flow of the dance knowing his next move just before he made it, but he saw and so he flaunted her, showed off that he was dancing with her that he only would dance with her because only she made him want to.

As their relationship grew so did the feelings and passion between them at first it wasn’t anything major they started talking all day everyday, doing little things for each other, making sure the other was always okay or helping the other become stronger and better then before. As they fed and grew off each other the boy had a change of his heart, well not a change more an opening. His heart caught on fire and burned with the passion of an infinite sun, she made him burn to his bones, to the core, beyond that even. As the feeling grew inside of him he tried to fight it keep it pushed down, keep it hidden, it didn’t work, it was no longer working. One night while it was just them sitting talking his passions and desires burst through, like a man turning to a werewolf, it tore through him, through his skin, he grabbed her pulled her close and gave in to the beast and kissed her. As they kissed their brains shut down, they grabbed each other pulling the other closer, beyond that trying to pull the other into them. When they finished their kiss they just stared at each other panting, they forgot to breathe, they didn’t want to because it means it would stop and they couldn’t have that. Their brains slowly kicked back in and as they did they just kept holding each other and smiling at the other devilishly.

They just looked at each other for a moment, one that lasted an eternity one that spoke of their own true desire for the other, that only a moment passed before they even knew it their bodies had grabbed on to the other pulling closer as they kissed as their hands moved, explored the other and grabbing on to pull the other in tighter. Like two lost souls trapped in a fish bowl that had always been entwined for eternity. Their hands moved over their bodies, knowing exactly where to go, where they wanted it to go where it had to go, where it needed to go, every grab, pull, push, scratch was perfectly placed. Every kiss

was beyond perfection, that every time they kissed was exactly when it was needed, even when they pulled their lips of the others it was perfect that every kiss and bite they made, was exactly on the right point for the other, that they knew without knowing how and what to do.

As the girl left the boy he didn’t know what to do, he put all his time and effort into her and couldn’t think of a life without her. As he cried he knew there was only one thing to do, that he couldn’t live without her, that she was his all that she was the only person to never give up, and he was trying to better himself so she could be proud of what he’d become and overcome. That her faith in him made him try and get better, try as much as it pained him to respect her choice, but she had betrayed his trust, had screwed him over like she said she would never do no matter what. As she walked away the boy overdosed on all he could knowing that it was better this way, that she did the want to care. That he knew no one else would notice for days, that everyone would be better off, that the girl would remember him but never go looking never see him again, and she was okay with it, despite his best efforts, he closed his eyes for the final time took in a big breathe and exhaled one last time with a smile upon his face knowing it was over, the loneliness, the pain, the suffering, he knew no one would ever hurt him again or leave him he was finally at peace.

The end.

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survivorelsalvador · 7 years

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EPISODE 9 - The Funny Thing About This Game Is That I’m An Idiot - Kai

KAI

I'm really considering taking some disadvantages because if I win immunity they won't matter

I literally have no idea what the vote could end up being tonight, there's a lot of good players left in this game so honestly anyone is a good idea.. last vote was meant to be ashton but then that got flipped by Lily and Austin went home so, I kinda am feeling a little bit 'eh' with Lily right now so maybe her? Or we could stick with our plan from last vote and get Austin out. I 100% at some point need to get Dana out because she plays too hard which could prove fatal to me af the end of I make it there...

JOSH

i'm so fucking stressed i think i'm gonna die but i have to rely on kai to save me here. i don't think it's going to work but i have some HOPE.

KAI

"The funny thing about This game is that I'm an idiot. I was trying to save josh and trying to plot a Dana blindside when I realised I had completely forgotten about the fact... I AM SELFVOTING TONIGHT. So now that plan has gone out the window and I'm probably screwed :) "

Okay so I had plan to save josh. I was going to completely blindside my alliance and vote out Dana (my alliance being Lily and Dana). I was going to do this by getting josh to vote Dana, and then hopefully convincing Ashton and Zakriah to do so too. I would then play my vote steal and also vote Dana. If I did math correctly then that should be enough to get her out except I forgot I'm self voting so that plan is out the window and now josh is going home

DANA

"These advantages have me SHOOK. Do I know who has them? No. I'm not even sure which ones my dumb ass took because I drank too much hard apple cider before I submitted my list. I think i'm voting for Josh tonight but IDK. Will he go home? Who can say.

Also Nicholas brought up voting Kai out to me and.... Honestly? On a night when he can vote, I'm here for it. "

LILY

Well. Sorry josh. I know this will be awkward to explain but I will explain it and be honest. I told josh after he gave me idol clues that he had my vote. Well um it's been two votes and josh still hasn't talked to me so obviously I have to move onto greener pastures. I'm voting with Dana willow and hopefully zak as well to get rid of josh. Kai and hopefully chips and who knows who else will vote josh and we will be successful. But you never know with this game. I know I'm going to hold onto my advantages for later because it will take a lot to bring down Dana and her partners zak and willow. I love willow already but I don't think I make it to the final with her. But I like voting josh because it makes a lot of groups happy. But everyone is super worried about Dana which is great for my game. Also no one really suspects that I'm working with/hoping to work with Richie. But Richie still hasn't come online so I get hella worried. I really hope this vote works out. Cause your girl wants FTC.

ASHTON

All hail King Richie! My Savior, I will be forever endowed to him. But also wtf was he thinking voting out Austin. He saved me and then got rid of one of our allies. What the fuck? Either way this vote seems to be flipping on Josh now which is cool with me, I might use a vote canceller or steal but I think I'm safe so idk.

Well once again i'm way scared. I know my name has definitely come up but I've got advantages to save myself if need be. The question is whether i need them or not. Lily says that we have dana willow and zak voting off josh this time but iVe hardly talked to any of those people and have zero trust in them. I just don't wanna go home with two advantage in my pocket.

NICHOLAS

hi im reckless and took all of the punishments! lets see if this pays off!

WILLOW

The doc for confessionals like isn't opening up on my phone so i'm just gonna type it in here. I'm lazy so I'm using voice to text allowed to write this confessional so I don't know if it's going to come out sounding weird. Anyway I'm a little worried about this vote because there's not a clear majority and minority because the thing with the self votes from the last challenge and so I hope it's Josh who goes home since he doesn't talk a lot but I'm not sure if it will be because of the way the numbers are working with the Self votes and stuff

ZAKRIAH

WILLOW

either everyone is acting weird and it's actually gonna be me going home or I'm paranoid

#ididntconsent

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