todays award for 'man what the fuck' goes to reddit for making me see pr0/-ship discourse in goddamn 2023. thought we were past that but i guess not

I find it fascinating that Poppy has gone through exposure therapy, because she does not live by the tenets of it. Like at all.

Disclaimer: I am a lay person who went through exposure therapy for OCD. So please take my observations with a grain of salt. This is probably going to be way too long.

The entire point of exposure therapy is to confront your anxiety through repeated exposures to triggers over time. It starts out with small exposure exercises, and the exercises become more intensive as time goes on. The key to successful exposure therapy is to stop reassurance seeking, and stop avoidance behaviors. These behaviors actually make the distress/intrusive thoughts worse, because they unintentionally affirm your irrational fears/intrusive thoughts.

The best comparison would be physical therapy for a broken leg. The exercises hurt like a bitch, but you have to do them to regain your mobility. If you keep your leg in a limited range of motion, you're going to be stuck like that for the rest of your life. Avoidance behaviors are basically the equivalent of skipping exercises. Reassurance is like a crutch. You might need it at first, but if you refuse to stop relying on it, you’re never going to regain your emotional mobility/flexibility.

Exposure therapy is incredibly empowering. The deeper you go, the more your world opens up and you wonder how you ever lived like you did before. But it’s also incredibly painful, and often terrifying. You basically have to confront your worst fears every day in increasingly larger doses.

Now here are two examples I can think of off the top of my head where Poppy actively does the opposite of what exposure therapy teaches you. I could probably find more if I dug through the documents again.

Poppy made Noeh walk on eggshells about her other partners due to her intrusive thoughts about them. An exposure therapist would never recommend that. In fact exposure therapy is often a family affair, because your loved ones have to be convinced not to reassure you or help avoid the triggers. The healthiest path forwards would have been to let Noeh talk about her partners more frequently as time went on. Making Noeh constantly avoid the topic makes the intrusive thoughts and distress worse. You can actually see this in the logs. Poppy’s reaction gets more extreme after every incident.

Your therapist will challenge your version of reality, and they will push you to uncomfortable emotional places. It’s not exposure therapy if you're not being exposed to discomfort. The deeper you get into sessions, the more they will flat out refuse to comfort you or reassure you about your anxiety. This is because the entire point of doing treatment is so you don’t rely on reassurance and don’t engage in destructive behaviors to get that reassurance. So Poppy yelling at her therapist for not reassuring her enough about her “rape” is genuinely shocking. Someone in exposure therapy would usually never have that kind of relationship with their therapist

To be clear, I’m not accusing Poppy of lying about going through exposure therapy. I’m just shocked that she seems to have taken nothing from it.

I know there has been some discussion about exposure therapy being bad for people with dissociative symptoms. I can’t speak to that, as I do not experience those types of symptoms. However, I can say that dissociating through an exposure exercise kinda defeats the purpose. The point is not to stop feeling your feelings. The point is to learn how to feel your feelings without relying on maladaptive coping mechanisms.

^ 🧡🧡🧡

Discussing the sex lives of wizards in the name of psychology under the cut! BG3, warning for discussion of suicide and mental health issues.

Man, analysis of Gale’s sex scene keeps getting waved under my nose with the notion that if you don’t go with Weave you’ve done something wrong. I addressed it already but like.

1) One of the popular arguments is that Gale is magic, magic is Gale, you might as well forbid an artist from painting. One could argue that particular mentality is a huge part of why Gale having issues. I said it before but like—speaking from having been there IRL with writing and editing. As a creative, you don’t lose your entire medium if you take time to focus on acknowledging your self-worth and those who love you without the medium. It’s actually insanely important to be able to do that imo. Not making the first sexual encounter be through magic doesn’t mean it’s never going to happen or is an inferior thing generally. I think emphasizing it as a first encounter and not a last one is a huge deal. It’s also a big step beyond what Gale expects for himself at that point.

The reality Gale had resigned himself to, that he was terrified of, involved obeying Mystra even if she ordered him to kill himself. Her love and his worth are conditional upon how well he can please her. Gale’s ‘comfort zone’ of performing acts of service specifically to retain worth is actively harmful to him and is part of what he was conditioned to accept through abuse. Even in Act III he can struggle with the idea that he is not defined by Mystra’s expectations of him. Like Shadowheart, stepping into choices beyond the will of his goddess is almost unfathomable. It’s still really important to recognize there are other possibilities.

2) There’s a dev note about Gale bowing to the player’s preference if the player opts for non-magical sex. I want to pose for your consideration as a comparison—is it better to farm Astarion’s approval by staying in his comfort zone/sense of the familiar (cruelty, violence) when those things are maladaptive? It comes out a lot through the game that an overwhelming amount of his behavior ties to coping mechanisms that helped him survive with Cazador, but it’s extremely unhealthy outside of that scenario.

All of the companions have trauma caused by abuse. All of them have some measure of mental health issues at work tied to that. And the thing with mental illness linked to trauma is, that person’s brain is doing the best it can to protect them from threats. When the threat is no longer present and they have room to seek health + stability, those coping mechanisms may become a hindrance instead. For Gale, he’s struggled with severe isolation and self-esteem problems to the point that he’s convinced that without magic or unique acts of service he shouldn’t be alive. Mystra has reinforced this. I pose the threat to him (by his perception) has been worthlessness and abandonment. His defense became to make himself irreplaceably valuable through his abilities so he has a concrete defense against those threats. Gale is still learning to adapt to healthy relationships that aren’t with Mystra, where he isn’t being framed as expendable.

Another thing I want to raise for consideration is that there’s a pattern common to people preparing to kill themselves. This involves wrapping up unfinished business, giving away belongings, basically saying good-bye. Gale starts the ‘last night’ scene with that exact intent and mindset. He is planning to die. A player insisting against suicide is not wronging Gale. A player interacting with Gale outside his trauma to offer a different, more stable lifeline than ‘worth through abilities and offerings’ is not doing him a disservice.

Change and recovery can both be fucking scary. You literally have to challenge the way you look at the world, yourself, and other people. For a while you lose all sense of how to judge in that new context. There’s no guarantee the attempt to change will pay off. The idea of trying and failing is scary as hell under those circumstances too because it risks finding hope only for it to be destroyed again. That hurts more than if you've already given up and are braced for further harm.

It’s still important to try though. Living in despair is pretty horrific. I’ll go a step further too to say feeding someone’s mental illness can be a form of abuse. I don’t think taking the Weave-sex option is abusive, but there is some risk of encouraging harmful complexes for Gale depending on interpretation.

The player seeing Gale’s tower, his books, Waterdeep—those are still beautiful things. But he presents them when and how he does because he’s planning to kill himself. I’d argue Gale offers to give as much as he knows how, as well as he knows how, specifically because he’s planning to kill himself. He wants to give the best of himself and his life to his love before he dies. He wants that to mean something to his love. Insisting that suicide is not on the table and that the sex scene is a first time rather than a last is still alien territory for Gale because of how much his sense of possibility has been narrowed. It also involves a radically different perception of relationships for Gale if they aren’t rooted in magic. Of course he’s nervous. What if his partner changes their mind? What if they’re disappointed? What if he says or does the wrong thing? What if he’s clumsy? What if he doesn’t make the encounter everything he wants to say and do only to kill himself after all? What if Gale Dekarios (not Gale of Waterdeep) slips from the world unmourned? What if his only legacy is how he died?

But again, Gale’s partner can insist this isn’t a last encounter. It’s a first. He doesn’t have to do everything right now. He doesn’t have to be running out of time the way he’s believed for over a year.

And by-the-by, sometimes partners do try new things together. Sometimes that involves trepidation. Being nervous isn’t mutually exclusive with consent or even having a good time. Sometimes having existing habits and mentalities challenged can result in growth, improved well-being, and finding new stuff to enjoy. Just gotta be mindful.

Again, Gale’s coping mechanism against the threat of abandonment is acquiring value in what he can uniquely give others. I would argue that for the physical sex scene in particular, there’s an opportunity to give to him instead. This would likely be somewhat beyond his experience and comfort zone given he was expected to impress his goddess through offerings before. Gale has a real fear of being deemed replaceable and discarded if he has nothing unique to provide. Positioned as someone being offered to is foreign for him. And doing it on mundane terms, not as the wizard of Waterdeep but as just Gale—that’s also foreign. Doesn’t make it a bad thing though. Imo it really is a good first step.

3) I’ve seen people get pissed about how the game can imply Gale isn’t great at physical sex. Between the books he reads and his relationship with Mystra, I’m going to suggest it’s possible Mystra was solely dealing with Gale on her terms, in the Weave, non-physically. And I’m also going to suggest that Gale has wanted to do more physically but felt like it was a dirty, ungrateful, mortal thing to want from his goddess. Would explain why he’s not as confident there. The fact that he has a book full of physical sex acts only to leave bodies behind just adds to my suspicion that while he knows he’s very good at Weave-sex, there’s a lot he never got to explore with Mystra regardless of his own interest.

I also really, really think it’s okay if Gale is less experienced with physical sex. No one is born knowing everything. Being able to engage in a safe way (so partner not being an ass about it lol), try new things, and become more familiar through practice could be sweet. No pressure, his partner wants to share this with him. Guy’s clearly a fast and enthusiastic learner anyway. 😉

I’d like to think Gale gets to deal with weird body sounds or moving inelegantly only to find it’s okay to laugh about that stuff. There’s less pressure. He can do things like boop his partner’s nose or make them reach to kiss him. Sex doesn’t always have to be some immaculate, serious affair. It isn’t his last chance. He isn’t being abandoned. He’s personally valued in this relationship.

Characters can have clumsy but heartfelt sex. Characters can have clumsy but charged fight scenes too. Areas of imperfection are part of being alive and there’s room to examine that in storytelling. Not everything needs to be expertly choreographed.

As one last thing, like… the sense I’m getting between discussions is that there’s some conversion contest stuff going on. Trying to put down one sex scene to justify the other schtick. Maybe I fueled that accidentally, dunno. I think some of it probably comes down to different interpretations of characters between fans. For my interpretation, I don’t think Weave-sex would work thematically. Another person’s interpretation might be a different story altogether.

Part of what makes Baldur’s Gate 3 cool imo is how varied the stories that come out of it can be. Which is to say nothing for fans bringing different spins. I might not go with God-Gale and see that iteration as tragic/unheathy. Somebody else might think it’s poetic justice since Mystra is a former mortal who ascended to godhood herself, and God-Gale realizes he is no less worthy than her. There is mutability here imo and I hope this can clarify I really do mean it on varied reads.

So I got some last minute resolutions/goals for 2024 (and beyond) that I just wanna shovel out real quick

Idk if you’d classify people pleasing and codependency as the same thing (or at least in the same kinda scale) but I’ve been reflecting on just how much I need to change that and I’m now determined more than ever to do so. Starting emotional regulation therapy in just a few days from now and I’m going to use the skills I learn there wisely. Heck, the few sessions of normal therapy I’ve been having are already making a positive impact. It’s slow, but it’s definitely happening and I can feel that beginning to form within me.

Also, I’m getting closer and closer to reaching my spot on the gender clinic waiting list. I’ll most likely reach it around my 25th birthday. I’m 23 and a half now, going to be 24 this time in the next six months. Honestly, I didn’t think I’d make it this far, but here I am nonetheless. But I digress. The point is, I know that transitioning medically is gonna be a helluva process but it’ll be worth it. That, combined with the progress I’m sure I’ll make in therapy, will guide me through the next stage of my rebirth, my metamorphosis into the man I know I can be. So I’m going to keep striving for that too.

And finally, once I’ve made a little more progress with my healing journey, I intend to start looking for love in an irl relationship. Ofc I know it’s going to be a long time before I’m ready to reach that point, but contrary to what I thought earlier this year, I think it is definitely possible to achieve and that’s another thing I have to keep me going. For now though, I need to concentrate on healing.

Honestly, I think I’ve got a much better understanding of just how much work that entails and the depths of how my life experiences have shaped me. I can see a lot more clearly just how to work on myself and why, how to shed the maladaptive coping mechanisms I needed to survive when I was younger and how I can improve myself. I know that healing isn’t a linear journey and there are many days when it’s far from easy, but I’ll get through it, even on the days when I feel like I won’t.

Ultimately, I think the most important resolution I can make at this point in time is to be there for myself. Through thick and thin, rain or shine. It’s hard, but I can do it and I have faith that I will. I will get where I need to be. Sure, my life’s taking a different path than what you’d expect from a guy in his early 20s, but that’s ok. If my path gets me where I need to be, then I’ll keep going forward. Here’s to a bright future and a new year that brings positive growth and new beginnings.

Year of the Dragon, here I come!

1, 6, 19, 21 for Megatron and the character ask meme?

50 Random Character Asks:

Assuming IDW here (but if you want a different one, please ask - I have opinions)

1. Canon I outright reject

I dunno that there's anything I really outright reject. Even the bits that aren't GoodTM are useful to leverage.

6. Worst personality trait

All of him. He sucks.

Actually, let's unpack that a little. Putting aside the war crimes and murder (what a thing to say), the worse thing about him as a person is his absolute inability to enjoy anything.

He has, at some point in life, lost the capacity to enjoy even small luxuries or imagine doing something for fun. He's spent so long with resources and time being so limited and being in survival mode that once survival is achieved or he has access to anything that remotely smells like leisure, he has no idea what to do with it.

For example: He likes the idea of aesthetic appreciation, but in practice he can't effectively utilize it. This is why all of his spaces are empty and nearly (but not completely) devoid of personality.

You also can't take him to a party. He will ruin the party because he thinks the whole thing is a waste of time that could be spent being productive. (He needs some deprogramming.) He has no idea how to have fun.

This makes him a very boring person once you get past all of his fronts, at least until he can somehow heal his ability to want anything more than surviving to see the next day, to see a goal completed.

19. Vices/bad habits

One bad habit is isolating himself when he's struggling emotionally. It's a maladaptive coping mechanism that reinforces the problem, rather than actively addressing it.

When he needs support is when he actively cuts himself off from any avenues where he can get it.

The dude needs friends and needs to learn to let those friends in.

21. Drink of choice (not just alcoholic)

Back when he drank intoxicant substances: just straight engex. Boring, boring man. The booze had a purpose and his unshakable utilitarianism won the day.

Post-sobriety: plain fuel. The boring continues. Look at this dull bastard. Someone teach him how to live.

the journey into real maturity: or gravie talks about 'loud steps on classroom floors'

i've been thinking about what i lovingly dub the rolsed HS AU for a bit - partially because i have wips related to it, partially because it's one of my favs, and now i feel like talking about The Vibes And Moods And Feefees(tm) so lemme get to that for a bit

cw: more or less the same as the fic, so... veer carefully

i guess i need to confess im not exactly the biggest fan of HS AUs in the first place lmao - im not against them, i just don't find many that fit my particular brand... it's the thing about being old and having the time to reflect on your own high school experience; a lot of it ends up being very... unimportant, in the grand scheme of things. even i, who has a fair amount of trauma associated with my experiences during all my pre-adulthood education, finds no value in high school as just high school

and that's where the entire point of 'loud steps' come from, if anything

it's about yearning for adulthood, actually

one of the main points in the HS AU is, ultimately, what happens around daniel's perceived maturity - not in the 'oh you're so mature for your age' harhar sorta way, but in a very sincere 'this traumatised child is, in fact, maturing fast to make up for the failures of the adults around him'

the problem with maturity that comes fast, and that comes from trauma at that, is that it's arguably not 'true' maturity; it's a combination of half-baked grown up thought processes and a bunch of adaptive coping mechanisms (which more often than not turn maladaptive, if they weren't from the beginning) - and it shows on the ways daniel is most selfish, if anything

he knows he shouldn't push and pursue a relationship with his teacher, for a variety of reasons, and he knows that doing so will land roland in trouble, more than it will ever cause him personal strife... and he does it anyway, even tho he insists he cares about roland (which he does, but his childish wants overpower any sense of care he has for the man, much of which is ultimately developed during the course of the story)

daniel very much admits to himself that he's fucked up, and part of his process into becoming an actual adult is realising that the adults around him (those who care, anyway) are as fucked up or more than him, and still made it past their 20s, or are trying to, at least

he's in this very fickle and complicated state between childhood and adulthood, where - unlike many teens who wish to stay in that state of being children with little to no responsibilities - he yearns for the sense of freedom that comes with adulthood; because in his mind adults are truly free - to live and love and choose as he pleases, for that is not something he has been free to do as a child or teenager

his entire character development revolves on building his own sense of adulthood, abandoning the cocoon he created for temporary survival as a child, and moving from yearning for real adulthood to actually giving himself the chance to experience it

this is also why the story could've never been done with roland's POV, besides the fact that it would've mostly been roland being conflicted and salty at his own choices for 69k (nice) words - as much as it is a ship fic, roland is a support on daniel's development and wants; he's a stepping stone for daniel to create an adult, fully formed version of himself

(i do have a one shot in this au with roland as the POV character, but that's different)

and it's about learning to let go

which is why the second biggest point of the HS AU is letting go, and both roland and daniel accept/work on letting things go

for daniel is his childhood self, for the most part - he's also ready to be replaced, as far as his relationship with roland goes, because he realises he is (to a point) taking advantage of a man he could ruin the entire life of if he wished

for roland, the 'letting go' comes mostly for what he accepts will be daniel eventually finding his stride and leaving him, for a variety of reasons (he's much older, the relationship was technically illegal for most of its course, daniel is young and surely wants more life experience, etc) - something complimentary to the implication of his personal journey, vis a vis angelica's death and the fact that he's been in therapy for that for a while

moving on and abandoning, to a point, the past is kinda a major theme for me, i suppose, and the HS AU is no exception - daniel abandoning his assigned gender and identity, the loss of his virginity, his and roland's meeting at the cemetery - where they were seeing the two most important/traumatic deaths in their lives, at that, - the kink exploration, each year he has left of high school passing him by, and even the idea of taking a sabbatical before college

there's this constant tug-o'-war around daniel's options, choices and wants, and a lot of it demands he let's go of something - immediate desires, a certain sense of comfort, his relationship with his mother, etc, and what he does with them (and how he deals with the consequences) is an on going point of the story

and finally, it is also about love

(well, it is a ship fic, after all)

tho i'd argue it's not just about romantic love

daniel and roland do develop sincere feelings for each other, and if anything that's the main point of the last two chapters of 'loud steps' - roland has to admit that what he thought was a temporary (but pretty fucked up) interest became genuine love, even aware of the not-small-at-all possibility daniel will leave for greener pastures

and daniel, who had more or less a childish crush on roland, exacerbated by a difficult childhood, teenage bullshit and trauma, ultimately understands how complicated his actions had turned things for roland... but also that he does love him, as an adult looking for an equal-to-equal relationship, rather than as a child wanting adult attention or that mid stage between childhood and adulthood, where you want both the care but to be seen as an adult

(which is also why he's so salty at the end with roland still treating him with kiddie gloves, more or less)

it's discovery of what adult love can be like, at least for daniel, with perhaps something of a rediscovery for roland - although his internal conflicts make it much harder for him to accept that, even though he's far more aware of himself and those feelings than daniel is of his own

it is, all in all, a story about trying to grow up when fucked up and dealing with a lot of internal bullshit, while also believing oneself adult enough to deal with the situations one gets into - partially saved by good luck and the few adults who do care actually going out of their way to be supportive and contain when its most needed

some silly unrelated notes and tidbits that don't appear in the fic now uwu

roland's favourite french lit book is by simone de beauvoir, but no, it's not That One (you know the one) - unrelated to that, he has a soft spot for madame bovary

it's never mentioned in that fic, tho i might mention it in others, but roland's modern au last name is 'fontenot' - an older writing of the last name fontaine

speaking of last names, daniel's is 'heras' (and yes, you're supposed to pronounce that H)

daniel's favourite french lit book ended up being by marguerite duras

also daniel won that bet about meursault and hong lu dating

roland is still salty about it

anyway, thank you for coming to my ted talk

Humans are Space Orcs, “Maladaptive Coping.”

This idea was given to me by a good friend of mine 

*WARNING* This issue of Krill’s journal contains literally ALL of the things that might bother you. Every self destructive behavior I could think of is mentioned in this piece. So PLEASE do not read it if there is even the slightest chance that it may bother you. I wont list everything here, and trust you to make your own decision on weather it is a good idea for you to read this or not. 

Also, a important note is that this is from an aliens perspective, and so does not contain every last nuance of these behaviors and the reasons behind them. I hope those of you who read a great day, and those who don’t read a great day as well! :)

The Journal of Xenomedical Biology 

Author: Dr. Krill of the Vrul 

The Human Manifestation of Self destructive Tendencies and Their Signs.

Over the past few years of studying and learning to understand humans, It has come to the attention of the medical community that humans are the most volatile species, psychologically. This is not meant as negative commentary on human issues as it might seem, but merely an observation that humans have the most widely varied pattern of psychological maladaptive responses when it comes to stress and related mental illness. Where each other species tends to have only two or three typical maladaptive responses, humans have been known to have analogous representations of all known mental abnormalities.

Now this journal is not specifically about all the ways the human brain can go wrong, but more accurately about the maladaptive response I have seen in humans over the past few years primarily demonstrating self destructive behaviors in one way or another.

You might notice an interesting pattern in my analysis today that clearly demonstrates a repetitive contradictory pattern in human self destructive tendencies, which will demonstrate just how varied and widely differing their responses can be.

First, humans have socially destructive behavior.which can come in many forms.

Withdrawal: from friends or close loved ones is a common self destructive behavior to look for in humans. This can happen on a large or small scale where the human withdraws for hours or even years. As a social species, humans find social interaction important, even if that is only remote communications with other humans. If that human begins to withdraw suddenly or even gradually over time, I might suggest being concerned about their well- being.

Now here is where the contradictions come into play, and forgive me if some of these social behaviors also overlap with the physical behaviors, with humans, they are often one in the same.

Increased socially dangerous behavior: now this may account for many things. Some humans will fall into a downward spiral where they surround themselves with other like minded humans and participate in dangerous physical activities, which I will discuss later

Increased partners: Now, while this behavior may be common for many humans, and could be argued as a physical behavior, there is cause for concern if a human suddenly increases the number of physical partners from their average. This usually accompanies reckless social behavior like not meeting the partner first before entering into a physical relationship, doing this on multiple occasions and might also be connected with the following -

Staying with an objectively horrible partner: now it is hard to identify why some humans do this, but often humans will choose a partner who is objectively horrible to them either physically or emotionally. Sometimes humans do this because they are afraid of the repercussions, are afraid of being alone, or they have been convinced that there is no other possible person out there who might love them. Humans put a lot of stock into physical relationships and many of them would rather be with someone horrible than be alone. Due to their social nature many humans put social interaction and partnership over their safety and mental health. If you see a human participating in this behavior, it is advised to get them help,even if the human does not want it. They deserve more than being treated horribly.

Now on occasion two humans in a downward spiral might come together and create a codependent relationship where they cannot function without one another. What the other human does the oher will follow and this can lead them both into a spiral of horrible physical and mental behaviors that will cause anguish in the long term. If one of them is involved with drugs, the other will follow etc.

Now some humans might even participate in self destructive behaviors that look good from an outside perspective. For instance, it is a common occurrence that humans overwork themselves to the point of burnout. Often humans throw themselves into their work to distract their minds and avoid the pain of something else, thi may include memories or having to return to an environment where they do not wish to go. These humans will work many hours and sacrifice their social lives to do more work, causing long term stress that can lead to heart attack stroke and other physical diseases related to increased stress and heightened blood pressure. Some humans may participate in this behavior as a way to prove themselves to others, that they are either competent or hard working.

On the flipside of this there are other humans who may just stop working at all. They let everything in their lives fall apart, and stop doing anything of note causing them to lose their jobs, their hobbies, their families and their friends. This one is often related to a withdrawal from other people and might include elements of physical recklessness like drug abuse.

Secondly and including a much wider range of self destructive behaviors, we see the physical manifestations of this phenomenon which vary widely and tend to come in opposing pairs..

Overheating and undereating: are two very common forms of stress response from humans. If humans have conditioned to see food as a reward for behavior or as a comforting mechanism (oten developed in childhood) they will eat in order to comfort themselves and to the point where it is adversely affecting their physical health. They may eat even if they are not hungry or if they are actively full. Some humans experience digestive issues while under stress and may even refuse to eat at all. There are other extreme cases where humans, usually in response to a perceived lack of control, will regulate their food intake to the point of starvation or other food related disorders.

This is closely related to over exercising, and also has links with a perceived lack of control in their life. These humans, often paired with restricted eating, will push themselves to their physical limit to control their own bodies as a form of having a hold on their own lives. This paired with restricted calories can cause an untold amount of damage both physically and metnally. Mental disorders linked to these behaviors are known to be the most deadly of disorders known to humans.

The consumption of Drugs and Alcohol

This is a very common and often overlooked  behavior in humans. Drinking is the consumption of beverages that contain Ethanol, which when reacting in the human brain causes, extreme mental degradation related to fuzziness and euphoria. Humans find this a pleasant feeling though it causes damage to many internal structures most primarily the liver. Unfortunately drinking is seen as a socially acceptable behavior with humans and so excessive drinking is often caught too late or not called out at all. These humans may drink from the beginning to the end of the day and will build up a tolerance to alcohol amounts that would kill another human. They build up an immunity to the point where they need larger and larger doses to feel the same effects. They will often neglect their social connections including friends and family for a chance with the bottle.

This is the same with other illicit drugs, which may have even more severe effects on the person and my lead to drug induced psychosis. Both substances are highly addictive to the point where a human may commit horrible acts like murder, robbery, etc to get the drugs that they crave. This is usually in response to some sort of mental anguish they are trying to drown out but may be related to them becoming hooked on drugs they needed after surgery. On rare occasions, this behavior began in conjunction with destructive social behaviors which lead them down into a spiral.

Excessive partying is often paired with drug use and an increased amount of intimate partners. Many humans who have fallen into this spiral might refuse to admit that they are spiraling at all. Generally limited use of a substance can be acceptable for a human, but there are plenty of other chemicals that should not be consumed at all.

There are even some drugs that are known to be mild on the user but may cause emotional dependence. These drugs are not known to cause physical dependance, but the human can convince themselves that they require the drug to function emotionally during the day and will neglect their family, friends and lives in order to spend more time with their drug of choice Again you will see the withdrawal from social contacts as an extreme warning sign in humans.

Sleeping too much or not sleeping at all:A human getting enough sleep is important for their mental health but sleeping too much is proven to throw off circadian rhythms and increase chances of depression or worsening depression. Humans require an amount of sleep that is no more or no less than what they need. Many humans will claim to not be getting enough sleep because they feel tired, when in reality their oversleeping causes grogginess and reduced amount of energy though it might seem counter intuitive.  On the other hand humans might refuse to sleep at all, instead occupying their time with some other activity. It is important to remember though that an inability to sleep might also be insomnia, and the human hs no choices in the matter. I find that humans, in general, are horrible at regulating a proper healthy sleep schedule.

Participation in dangerous hobbies. Now, I understand that this is common for many humans and does not indicate self destructive behavior, but I would consider noting when a human suddenly involves themselves in dangerous hobbies after not participating for a long time, especially when that human is not careful and doesnt take time to properly consider safety protocols. 

Another very common one is humans causing intentional physical harm to themselves. This comes in levels of severity and I would say that most humans do this to some degree or another. Often these are connected to nervous ticks or even learned behaviors from childhood. This can include, picking scabs, biting nails, picking at the skin of the thumbs or the lips, pilling hair, and biting the inside of the cheeks. These smaller behaviors are usually minor and do not require attention, they may cause scarring but are not generally connected to extreme mental anguish.

However, these behaviors can escalate dramatically to the use of knives and razors. This behavior is EXTREMELY maladaptive and indicates severe mental anguish and trauma and must be addressed immediately. These behaviors might escalate and be linked to loss of life by the human’s own hand. I have not witnessed this personally, and I never intend to as I keep a very close eye on my humans.

some scattered thoughts about what i’ve started calling the homecoming au, that au where maedhros and maglor come back to tirion after the war of wrath, end up prisoners-in-all-but-name in finarfin’s palace, and nothing is beautiful and everything hurts. credit for @sunflowersupremes for writing the au that for lack of a better word inspired me, credit to @outofangband for listening to me blather about this over dms, warning to everybody, this au is dark. it’s essentially about maedhros and maglor being abused for being mentally ill, talk of suicide, late stage fëanorians somehow getting worse, generally not a fun time. caveat lector

i feel like it’s worth emphasising that by the end of the war of wrath maedhros and maglor are in a bad, bad mental state

they’re so inured to violence death means nothing to them, and neither of them really remembers what it feels like to be happy. they’ve lost everything, whether to the fires of war or the maw of the oath. there are so many things maglor can’t let himself think about or he’ll tip off the precipice into madness, so many things maedhros has quietly put aside to deal with after the end of the world. they’ve got nothing left but ash and nowhere to go but their own destruction. they’re fully aware of the monsters they are, and they loathe those monsters as much as anyone else

finarfin’s offer of mercy feels like a miracle. it’s a way - it’s a way out, first and foremost, a way to somewhere else, because what could possibly be worse than this? maybe it’s even a way back to the dreamlike world of their childhood, when they were more than their sharp edges and they could look on the future without despair. i figure this is an au where maglor won that last argument, predicated entirely on the possibility of an existence without pain

maedhros is skeptical, but logics himself into going along. on one condition

‘please’ maglor tells their uncle, trying to let his guard down and show as much vulnerability as his pride will allow. ‘do not give us to the valar’

he’s more successful than he realises. the last remaining sons of fëanor have been growing visibly more and more unstable for decades now. even the elves who were once their closest lieutenants approach them with caution now

finarfin catches a glimpse of what his nephews have become. he makes a conscious decision to choose pity over fear

which - yeah, alright. maglor and maedhros need therapy, they need to process their emotions in healthy ways and build selves they can be comfortable in the skins of again. and the general mood in tirion is one of reconciliation. it was the younger generation that went to beleriand, so many people have children they feel like they’ve failed

but if they can un-fail these two, maybe there’s hope. maybe there’s a chance for them to heal

except, well. nobody who stayed in aman - nobody who’s seen cuiviénen, really, beleriand was nasty - can really process just how much healing needs to be done

like. i’ve said this before, but screeching furiously at each other at high volume for multiple hours is a regular thing maedhros and maglor do. they’re the last people in the world either of them is even slightly close to, their relationship is shot through with as much bitter hate as it is steady reliance, and really, who else can they yell at

it’s a maladaptive coping mechanism. their minders recognise this inside five minutes, i’ll give them that much

it’s just. their eventual method of stopping the fight, after trying and failing to talk the brothers down, is to jump them and gag them to stop them making so much noise

partially they were worried it might escalate into a physical fight, which to be fair, these screaming matches occasionally do. but partially they just wanted them to stop

(this is the first really big incident, but things have been subtly, uncomfortably wrong for a while now. there’s this vibe that everything would be so much easier if the brothers just behaved. acted like the nice normal princes they used to be)

(but they can’t. they’re trying (well, maglor is; maedhros is mostly going along out of resignation) but they can’t. and when all the little tensions of this supposed-to-be-happy-ending get too much, they take it out on each other, like they always do. what are they supposed to do, unleash their own corruption onto the innocent valinoreans?)

(as is usual with these shriekfests, it got vicious fast. it was maedhros saying that he should have just killed the both of them back in beleriand that makes their minders decide they have to stop this now)

the whole situation’s a mess. the way the non-exile noldor are thinking, if they can just put all the unpleasantness behind them, things can go back to normal and they can forget any of this ever happened

the valinoreans are trying to help, you understand. it’s just that their definition of ‘help’ involves sweeping everything under the rug so they can all be happy again

and everything the brothers do to remind people of all that makes them... uncomfortable

maedhros and maglor are never left alone. there’s always someone within at least hearing distance, keeping an eye on them. they initially say it’s for the brothers’ own benefit - so there’s always someone nearby in case they need help, like - but the first time maglor gets so frustrated he starts trashing his room he is immediately seized

the valinoreans get very good at stopping the brothers from doing the thing. they are less good at addressing the reasons why the brothers feel the need to do the thing

maglor is by far the angrier of the two. when he has a bad day, everyone around him knows it. he snarks, he glares at people from corners, he refuses to be at all cooperative. even on his good days, his mood never goes far above ‘melancholic’

maedhros, on the other hand, is quiet. he does what people tell him to, mostly. he sits in place and acts the perfect patient and only occasionally tries to kill himself. a poisonous plant picked here, a window’s lock subtly fiddled with there, he’s good at waiting for his minders to lower their guard enough he can take a chance

(neither of them are particularly violent towards the valinoreans to begin with, and their violent tendencies towards themselves, each other, and inanimate objects quickly recede. lashing out like that always, always makes things worse)

sometimes he’ll regress back into behaviours he learned in angband. the first time this happens and the valinoreans figure out what’s going on, he gets a very polite finarfin asking him to please stop equating them with the enemy, finarfin knows they aren’t settling in as well as they might but it’s very offensive to be compared to morgoth

still, they learn. there’s this one incident when maedhros is having a fit, and while all their minders are running about trying to make him stop, maglor, who happens to be in the room, is standing completely still, staring at nothing

one of the minders snaps ‘come on, help! don’t you care about your brother?’

... he does. they’re closer now than they were in beleriand, leaning against each others’ bodies, quietly holding hands. the palace is full of people all the time, but they’re still so isolated from the rest of the world

it’s just hard to protect someone else when you’re barely hanging on yourself

you ever write a perfect closing line, and also it’s 1:30 am? yep, yep, i’m going to bed. more tomorrow, i’d guesstimate three parts in total

girl how tf are you gonna say all that and then claim to be autistic have adhd nd be chronically ill. you deadass just said you didn’t believe in labeling mental illnesses. you also advocate for cptsd diagnoses over bpd but that would also be a label. yes one is more stigmatized but why not just say you don’t like bpd as a diagnosis instead of contradicting yourself?

didn't say that. please can you actually read what im saying. i have adhd and autism, those are labels. im mostly concerned with: 1. obfuscation of the relationship between trauma and traumatised behaviour. 2. obsessive and narrow focus on arbitrary profiles rather than engagement with an individual and their symptoms. and 3. pathologisation of harmless behaviour when exhibited by people who are 'in the system'.

personality disorders exemplify failures in all of these aspects - patients who are all expressing maladaptive coping mechanisms to long-term trauma beginning in childhood are both arbitrarily divided into subcategories which marginalise the role of trauma in their behaviour, AND have no attention paid to their individual needs in favour of an ever expanding roster of trauma-modifiers including 'the one where you also have autism' and 'the one where your psychiatrist thinks you're an arsehole'.

ODD is literally just the final step in a diagnostic system that abdicates all responsibility to even attempt to consider pathologised behaviour as a rational response to external circumstances and instead immediately pathologise any and all symptoms as irrational and internally defective.

like you form unhealthy attachments because you learned how to form attachments in a situation where forming healthy attachments was impossible and dangerous. the different ways people can exhibit unhealthy attachment behaviour is pretty surface level compared to the shared underlying cause, and the correct response in all of these cases is the same in terms of understanding of traumatic adaptations.

yes individuals would exhibit this in certain different ways but to use a clumsy metaphor, if two people are anaemic and one of them faints and the other gets migraines, they don't have different types of anaemia and the cure is the same so it'd be very silly to divide them by that.

so i yes advocate for cptsd diagnoses because I feel they much more directly address the root cause while allowing for individual variance, and encourage both the patients image of themselves as well as how they are seen by authority figures to be more autonomous and less essentialising.

although there are still issues in how all mentally ill people are treated + failure to address the systematic causes such as poverty and racism which i will also be critical of, i... hands down think a diagnosis of "you exhibit maladaptive behaviour due to past traumatic experiences" is infinitely more constructive than "ujhh idk your personality just kind of sucks" ?

im getting a little too in my family feels today and so INSTEAD of feeling those im just going to ramble for a second about why i fucking love paladin!aelwyn because. im. just like this i guess im coping leave me alone

cw for discussions of child abuse, maladaptive coping, drugs and alcohol, self harm, destructive tendencies, basically everything we see in canon and the implications

aelwyn is ... SO interesting to me because for as much of her interiority as we see, as much of her as we think we understand, as much as i could ramble about her character for hours, we know ALMOST NOTHING about her in actuality?? (besides ... one key thing)

(this is like 2k and probably incoherent someone please stop me)

okay. listen. almost everything we see aelwyn do in s1 is maladaptive rebellion against her parents and home life. the drinking, the drugs, the partying, perhaps some of kalvaxus (though i dont think we fully understand how much of that was forced on her as well, kalina WAS watching her when she was talking to adaine about it). you can say like, oh aelwyn is a party animal, she's impulsive, she makes risky decisions, she's bitchy and rude, and its like. okay but IS SHE ACTUALLY. because under her parents thumb she had an EXTREMELY limited amount of freedom, and usually when people are suffering from very little control over their life, they WILL act destructively over the tiny bit they can, either harming themselves or their environment or people lower than them in the pecking order, because in a way, that feels like a reclamation of autonomy. saying "you have so much power over me but can you stop me from hurting myself and destroying what you havent managed to claim yet?". its just like, kind of what human brains do and frequently has little to do with a persons actual personality or impulses, its just. desperate brains trying to control SOMETHING because autonomy is a fundamental human need and when thats taken away we get. very bad off. (this is one big reason eating disorders are SO common with abused kids.) so i think a lot of the s1 aelwyn we see is like. this is a very desperate, abused teenager "acting out" in the only way it is possibly somewhat safe for her to do so because, on a psychological level, the self destruction is weirdly the only emotional tether and its either this or just dissociate all the time (something we do see she has problems with in canon)

and yes, she did treat adaine horribly in s1. she fully did. obviously what we get in canon is what happens but a moment thats interesting to me is in episode 1 where adaine has attacked aelwyn several times, who either does nothing or just bounces it back, when she says "i never cast spells at you" and siobhan immediately retcons it and says "yes you do, all the time" (i havent gone back and watched this bit so i might be wording this wrong). obviously its an improv show and the canon is built between performers as they go, but that was interesting to me. that brennan hadnt intended for her to have fought back in that way. she definitely feeds into the emotional abuse from their parents and participates in all the toxicity there, but we know in canon that she did that because of overwhelming fear and self preservation. and that her self hatred because of it just fed back into the cycle and made her feel like she wasnt good enough to even try to break free from it. this is very common in golden child/scapegoat sibling relationships where the golden child SEES what the parents are capable of and becomes a participant in the abuse out of fear for their own standing. in any way siding with the scapegoat child not only directs abuse at themselves as well, but frequently makes things WORSE for the scapegoat because the parents will take out the challenge to their power on them even more. so, if aelwyn DID ever try to defend or help adaine when they were small, she would have VERY QUICKLY learned that made things worse for everyone. and just. sectioned that part of her brain off, as she's done with so many other things. (and i dont think im reading too much into the forest scene with the abernants to say their parents were VERY QUICK to turn abuse towards aelwyn if she stepped out of line even a little. like, you dont flinch when a hand moves unless. you know. dont need to say it just something to think about. as far as we saw in canon, she had done everything they asked of her leading up to the forest, and we DONT KNOW what happened in it but we do know brennan specifically called out how in broken spirits she was when adaine was summoned, even though they did the ritual to avoid all of the nightmare bullshit)

(the house party is literally a whole separate post but i think its fair to point out that 1) she was super under the influence when that was happening which DEFINITELY is in no way an excuse for her behavior but worth remembering when trying to analyze that 2) her losing that fight did canonically have DRASTIC consequences for her and even if she didnt know exactly how that was going to turn out, i think she knew how bad it might be. and she did not know adaine or any of the bad kids were going to be there in the first place)

all that said, it feels in some ways counterproductive to say that aelwyn is an extremely devoted and protective person (yes we're getting to the paladin shit i know i've been rambling a while) but i think that thats strangely ALL WE ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT HER. because we've established that her self-destructive and abusive behavior in s1 is almost entirely psychologically scripted for her by her parents, we dont know how much of her villain shit in s1 was LITERALLY UNDER THREAT OF DEATH because we know at least killing the oracle was and we dont know how much of the rest of it was mandated by either her parents or kalina other than that she probably was under orders not to tell adaine the truth, and we know participating in all of this caused extreme self loathing in her that she refused to show to anybody and was too terrified to act on in any way

so, like. what does that actually leave us?

here's what we do know about aelwyn:

- of all the schools of magic, she went into abjuration

- the entire bbeg plan from season 1 hinged on aelwyn's complete faith that her level 1 sister was the most prodigious diviner in the world

- right after (?) the house party, she locked her memories where only adaine could find it with a note basically saying "theres so much bad blood between us but i know only you could find this"

- she desperately wanted to protect adaine and the fact that she was too afraid to do so made her hate herself (and her knowing that adaine now knows this is the turning point in their relationship)

- despite everything, even in the nmk forest, she still loved her parents

- the SECOND she is shown genuine love and affection and care from adaine, and adaine says whatever you do, i am here with you, all her actions from there forward are just about protecting adaine from their father, very nearly at the cost of her own life

- with what she probably thought were her last words (and would have been if adaine hadnt given her the tincture), all she wanted to communicate was how to help adaine and the bad kids, and how despite everything she had always believed in her

- at five levels of exhaustion, unconscious, she used her first spell slot after nine months of torture to build a shield around adaine

NOW we get to paladin!aelwyn. because, once everything is stripped away, the abuse and the control and the maladaption and the threats and the torture, EVERYTHING we ACTUALLY can glean about aelwyn's personality and inner core is that she's protective and devoted. and of course classes arent locked by personality, but that just screams paladin to me. its her WHOLE THING. adaine even says "wizards dont have heals, we dont care about other people" and of COURSE that isnt true for either of them, but? mechanically? aelwyn chose the wizard school that DID let her protect, and DID let her help, but i dont think, at this point, going forward, thats really going to be enough for her (and we could also talk about the parallels between them, how often adaine uses her portents to help other people)

i think a lot of the different reads on aelwyn come from this fundamental disconnect between her actions and displayed personality vs who she actually is and what she actually wants. and i think there are very different interpretations of what thats going to look like for her going forward. but i think, for a girl who's most hated characteristic about herself was her self preservation at the detriment of others, her perceived selfishness, and her fear ... isn't choosing to be braver and more selfless and more protective and shedding that self-preserving instinct for the betterment of others ... and MECHANICALLY being able to act on all those things ... the logical next step? i think its going to be a LONG TIME before aelwyn can love herself, but what other way is there to try? if adaine loves her, and adaine believes she can be better, isnt being better because she trusts adaine kind of a form of self love? saying, i dont believe in myself, but i believe in the person who believes in me, and maybe, in a roundabout way, thats the same thing. she was never able to TRY to be better before, because trying to improve even a little, even when people arent watching, when a harmful force has so much power over you and your actions ... like, the mental dissonance is honestly TOO much to even try, thats WAY more terrifying than letting yourself be bad, to the point where thats psychologically impossible for a lot of people. but now she actually has space and freedom and CHOICE and she CAN embrace the instincts she always had to shove down, she CAN be the person she knows her sister needed her to be

i dont know, i think theres an inherent love letter to yourself in wanting to be better and wanting to improve, even if you justify it by saying its for someone else. and now aelwyn actually CAN improve, and thats probably going to be extremely awkward and scary and there will be set backs and backslides for sure. but. i dont know. i think she wants to make up for lost time. because she never wanted the time to be lost in the first place. and if a protector is who she always wanted to be, whats stopping her from being that now?

Since mod is offering hot takes I’d like to know what in your opinion is most likely to be the actual ending. Not by what you’ve read on the internet but judging from your own thoughts and your own experiences with these kinds of feelings. Do you genuinely believe Sunny would head out to talk to his friends? Do you think it all would be enough to get him to confront his past? Or do you think he’s more so destined to stay locked up in his bedroom and his dreamworld?

LONG POST............... KEK

>Do you genuinely believe Sunny would head out to talk to his friends?

honestly, not until sunny starts healing from everything that happened. he didn’t leave the house for 4 years even though kel never stopped trying to check in on him. even if all his friends received the truth well and didn’t hold it against him, that severe habitual isolation doesn’t go away overnight. maladapted coping mechanisms that arise from ptsd, especially ones that overtake your personality, take a tremendous amount of willpower to overcome. he would need years of working through the trauma in therapy.

he wasn’t ever a sociable kid, he was sort of awkward and uncomfortable around other people. mari was the one who helped him make friends, and you can see throughout the photo albums that he got more comfortable around them. its terrible that she had to die in that way because not only is mari not there to support him anymore, but the guilt is driving him into total isolation.

because i understand him well, i can identify that a lot of this is explained by schizoid personality disorder. (one thing this criteria list i attached below doesn’t explain well is the description “desires” nor “enjoys”. the misconception comes from, by nature of the disorder, being unresponsive to therapists, and often they may outright say they don’t want relationships because they’ve given up. it definitely presents that way though, and sunny definitely presents that way, with dropping out of school and not responding to kel’s attempts to help him.

i needed to clear this up because otherwise id get a bunch of people who don’t understand the disorder going “but he had friends when he was younger!”) 

^the criteria for reference. (more on szpd if you’re interested: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK559234/). 

(authors note: i love the flat affect representation because i never see that in media) (another side note: i love the juxtaposition of sunny’s flat affect and omori’s extreme emotions. its very accurate to someone who is terrified of showing emotions due to a trauma that involved them)

>Do you think it all would be enough to get him to confront his past?

luckily, moving out of the house that mari died in will be really good for him. and moving towns will also help him learn how to go outside again, because he no longer has the extra hurdle of worrying about seeing his old friends like he did for years before he told them the truth. he has space to sort through his feelings at his own pace without the unintentional pressure sunny felt because of his friends (ahem, kel) who were just trying to help and wanted him to be happy.

after finally getting the weight off his chest about the truth, he has a good start on confronting the past. there will be ups and downs, but i believe in him.

>Or do you think he’s more so destined to stay locked up in his bedroom and his dreamworld?

in the bad ending, yes. but in the true ending he accepted and embraced omori, the part of himself he thought was irredeemable, the part of him he was in his own psychological civil war with. (jfc this visual made me cry.)

 i know this isn’t a fluffy feels good answer and it made people mad when i answered this in a fandom server haha... but its realistic. to gloss over the painful truth of this game is to flat out disrespect the themes it portrays. this game is a tragedy, its not pleasant, but that’s what its like when you go through trauma and debilitating mental illness. its not realistic to just have one conversation in the hospital and all of a sudden everyone lives happily ever after. his friends will need time to process the truth as well.

but! i believe in everyone to resolve everything that they went through. they can bond through their shared pain and understanding each others perspectives, and i know they’ll come out the other side stronger.

—

EDIT: I JUST REALIZED you asked if the real world events of the game were realistic. yeah fr when he left his house and stayed out all day and then did it again thrice i was like ok he built different... i could never

but if kel was knocking on sunny’s door every day since he learned sunny was moving, then it is a possibility sunny would give it a chance and would have built up the courage after a while because “im moving in 3 days so why not”.

remember: waiting for something to happen?

—

EDIT 2: so i’m playing the hikikomori route and i like af that the player gets that choice. so far, this route is accurate too. i highly recommended playing both routes.

—

please do not be ableist in my askbox in response to this! i will literally crazy murder you!!!

School starts on the 13th for me.

Im not really mentally prepared and Ive had a full mental breakdown.

I have not recapped anything for this year even if i should've. I went from 4th in my class to 17th in my class in 10th grade. I feel no energy excitement or drive to do well and im just so sick of school, the people there and what its got to offer. Im so mentally tired and although im unable to get professional help. My fears are, sadly, seeming to become true as i find more and more adhd/add mannerisms in my own. I know 100% im not neurotypical at this point. And it seriously affects my everyday life, but im not in a place from where i can get help. Balancing school life and my hobbies or things i like to do will be so hard, basically impossible. So i either try to hyperfocus on school and neglect everything and everyone, which will make me end up 100% alone,or i compromise my future as a wanna be med student (nurse) to better my mental health with my shitty coping mechanisms such as overstimulating myself, maladaptive daydreaming and shutting my emotions off from others.

It seems that me and my closest friend are also growing very much distant and talking to them is no longer exciting. I can tell they're getting sick of me. Or at least sick of answering to my texts.

I am so lonely and i am so afraid for my future. I don't kniw what to do and i have noone to talk to about it. Im terrified that ill end up on the streets and just die there soon enough if i dont learn someway to actually balance my life. in just under 4 months im turning 18 and i dont even wanna celebrate it.

I dont like begging. Especially when its regarding stuff like this. But please. If you read this whole post... would you please be my friend? i promise ill listen to you talk about whatever and compliment you and i promise to do my best to be funny and entertaining... anything you would want from a friend... I need friends so i don't feel like im totally alone in this.

Have a good day everyone. ❤️

how does ur blog personally handle the klaus cult storyline? i saw in ur tags abt how u didn't like it so i was wondering if u were canon divergent about that part of season 2? sorry if this is a weird question lfjdksljfdklsfj

Not even remotely a weird question, and please don’t apologize, Lucky dear <333   Media crit is like My Thing™ so I love this kind of question.

My blog handles the Klaus cult storyline by de-emphasizing it, which is not so much an attempt to duck it entirely as an attempt to encourage others to find it occasionally funny in an ironic sense (more on that later) but mostly to not rely on it as a comedic staple, and even less so as a staple of Klaus’s character.  It’s a symptom not of his growth but of his continued stasis, and probably his biggest stumbling block in the entirety of season two. I don’t go completely canon-divergent and deny that it happened, because I believe there are lessons to learn in the folly of it, and because it reveals character flaws (or perhaps better put, maladaptive coping mechanisms) that Klaus needs to overcome.  

Klaus forming a cult in Season Two is revelatory: revelatory of where Klaus is emotionally himself, and what he needs to change.  It’s uncharacteristic of him, because Klaus is, at heart, beneath the sarcastic bluster and the addiction, a kind and vulnerable person who doesn’t want to control anyone--in fact, I’d argue that, despite his individuality, Klaus is a problematically passive person, who lets himself BE controlled--and cults are ordinarily ways to prey upon and ideologically control socially vulnerable, often young, people, and indoctrinate them in toxic beliefs.  So it’s uncharacteristic,....until you realize that he’s using the cult as one more big way to DEFLECT from his problems, and take the easy out.  Klaus is necessarily weaponizing his queerness and pacifistic tendencies to pad himself with monetary and social support, in the increasingly anti-war, pro-free-love, hippie sixties.  Moreover, he is anesthetizing himself with empty hedonism: this time--instead of with drugs--with the pure, unfettered, casual love of perfect strangers.  

Why (beyond staying alive and safe in a volatile society that is even more homophobic than the 2010s?) Because he thinks the rest of his family didn’t survive the time jump.  The cult signifies an emotional REGRESSION. And why is it ironic? Because in trying to escape his problems, Klaus has circles right back around to them. What is his cult--clawing at him night and day, begging him for words of wisdom, begging for his help, exactly like? The ghosts that haunt him 24/7, knowing only he can see them. The cult  members are displaced and marginalized, desperate for answers, in the same way that ghosts are. And THAT, i will admit, is good writing. THAT is worth not throwing the baby out with the bathwater. 

Is it bad of Klaus to deceive people this way? Yes. Is it irresponsible of the writers to turn a cult storyline into a joke about “haha look at Klaus being eccentric and lazy and conniving again”? Yes.  In fact, the TUA writers have a pattern of irresponsibility and insensitivity when it comes to Klaus as a character. They make a punchline out of his addiction, too. They have characters coded by the narrative as morally superior (Ben, for instance) calling Klaus a loser and a “junkie” (which is a pretty slurry, offensive term for an addict) and shaming him; the writers should not be doing that.  Worse, they equate Klaus’s “usefulness” (read: his intrinsic worth) with his sobriety (he can only conjure when sober, and conjuring is the only “good” thing he can do, which, given t he fact that Reginald raised these kids, isn’t their fault per se, but at some point the writing needs to counter this very wrong-headed, abuse-based rationale, and it hasn’t).  The writers shouldn’t do this, either.  But they do. So am I surprised that the same people who made a punchline out of substance abuse also made a punchline out of cults? No. 

For those reasons, I wish this plot device had never been used (particularly when we talk about squicky things like the sexual flings he’s had with devotees simply because they think he’s some kind of prophet).  I don’t think it’s particularly funny, and I think there would have been other ways to show Klaus diving headfirst into hedonism to avoid mourning his “dead” siblings.  But it happened, and I can’t deny that it’s in-character for a falling-off-the-wagon, emotionally regressing Klaus.  And in its way, it’s a good way to reveal that he isn’t doing any better than he was when he was homeless and strung-out. 

On the other hand, is this a cult on the level of certain religious sects, or Charles Manson?  Of course not.  Klaus doesn’t give a damn if these people exist under his control, agree or disagree with him.  He wouldn’t ask them to do illegal things, or things that cause them emotional or physical pain.  Basically they ride around in a rainbow painted hippie van, travel the world fully funded by a rich elderly lady, probably eat vegan, and live in a gorgeous mansion.  They’re deluded, and that’s wrong, but they’re only deluded about the fact that Klaus is  really not a prophet, and is just spewing nineties song lyrics that haven’t been written yet. In a sense this diminishes the ethical squick, and I can live with it. I still don’t write about it much here, and I continue to decentralize it, because it’s still a dumb insensitive idea about a subject that causes real people real harm. 

why do you think it seems like people are more depressed and anxious now than ever before ? do you think social media has something to do with it ?

Okay so first a few disclaimers.  I’m not a mental health professional or an epidemiologist, so these should be taken more as casual speculation than fact.  Also, I grew up in the US, so a lot of this is likely US-centric, but I think a lot of these factors are problems that are prevalent throughout the world. So in order to answer this question, the first thing we have to ask is what causes anxiety and depression in the first place?  A lot of people (especially on Tumblr) have a tendency to blame “brain chemicals”, which is true in part, but not the entire story.  Depression and anxiety are complex, and what causes them is multifaceted.  These causes can also include (but aren’t limited to) genetic vulnerability, faulty mood regulation, stressful life events, medications, medical problems, early childhood loses and trauma, the way you learn to relate to the world in childhood, and structural differences in the brain.  It should be noted that hormones and hormone fluctuations are included in that, which may be part of why teenagers present with more symptoms of mental health issues than other people.

The first thing we should consider and something I think accounts for a lot of the increase in depression and anxiety is access to mental health care.  As we talk about depression and anxiety more as a culture and as our health care systems become more aware of mental illness, more people are being diagnosed with mental health issues and speaking about those diagnoses freely.  The criteria for depression and anxiety has also become slightly more flexible than it used to be, which also means that more people are being diagnosed.  However, while more people are being diagnosed, those people aren’t necessarily getting a holistic approach to treatment.  Many people are diagnosed by their primary care doctor and given mediation, but do not see a therapist or make lifestyle changes.  So, more people being diagnosed but not necessarily more people getting adequate treatment or recovering.

Moving on to lifestyle changes, our culture is not ideally suited for good mental health.  As a culture, our diets aren’t great, we don’t sleep enough, we don’t exercise, we’re culturally isolated and often lacking in community, we don’t do things for other people, we don’t get a lot of downtime or vacation time, and we aren’t taught how to regulate our emotions or deal with negative feelings (and are often taught maladaptive coping mechanisms instead).  All of this can play a real part in making people who are already predisposed to being anxious or depressed worse. 

We also have a lot of conflicting cultural expectations- on the one hand we’re supposed to do what we love and be happy, but we’re also expected to be successful and functioning members of society, which don’t always go hand in hand.  And our focus on being happy can actually be counterproductive- when people become very focused on happiness, they become anxious about not feeling happy or about how to feel happier, which in turn brings their mood down.  Our reliance on digital devices also plays into this; some research has shown that those who have grown up with technology use their devices as a coping mechanism (to ignore or escape from negative emotion) and are emotionally unprepared to deal with difficult situations because of it.


On the topic of devices, I do think media and social media also play a role in this problem.  It used to be that the media you had access to was primarily local news, and occasionally something national or international.  Now, we are inundated with news from all over the world, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  This causes a unique problem; we are aware of all sorts of bad things happening in the world, more than ever before, and I think many of us feel like we have a responsibility to do something about each and every one of those issues but can’t.  That helplessness and feeling of responsibility contributes, I think, to a lot of people’s anxiety.  The current political situation also isn’t helping, particularly if you’re young, liberal, or part of a marginalized group.  Feeling like the world is falling apart because of our elected officials can be really scary, especially again when you feel like you don’t have any control over the situation.

As far as social media goes,  we are constantly presented with images of other people with which to compare ourselves against, and I think even if we consciously know that, those images can make us feel inadequate or like we need to be doing more.
  Comparison has been scientifically proven to be the thief of joy, whether we consciously recognize it or not.

We’re also a generation entering into a poor economy, and a lot of us are over-educated and under-employed.  However, our parents ideas of what we “should” be doing are still there- buy a house in the suburbs, get married, have children- things that are not necessarily financially feasible anymore.  And so again, a mismatch between expectations others have of us and the reality of our situation that causes feelings of inadequacy.  And when it comes to work, many of us are in jobs where we’re under-stimulated, doing way less work than the amount of hours we’re at work for, or where we’re (to borrow from Marx) alienated from our labor.  School is similar; it’s not really designed with students in mind, and it isn’t always a stimulating experience where you can see the purpose of what you’re learning.

On the topic of parents, that has contributed to rising levels of anxiety and depression as well.  “Helicopter parents” make their children reliant on them, and when that child grows up and has to be an adult, they’re unprepared to be independent, which can cause a lot of anxiety.  Helicopter parents are also likely to be anxious themselves, and so they model anxious behavior for their children, causing their children to be anxious adults when they grow up.

I think the amount of choice we have also contributes to the anxiety/depression question.  When you’re told what you should do, that can suck, but at least you have an idea of what the “right” choice is.  We have an unlimited number of choices that we have to make each and every day with very little guidance as to what the right choice is, but lots of expectations about how we should be. Again, anxiety provoking- what if you make the wrong decision and fail to live up to expectations?  Along with that, we have an idea that we’re in control of our own lives and every decision that we make.  In happiness research, there’s this idea of the “locus of control”- basically how much control you think you have over your life.  People with low loci of control are happier than those who feel like they’re in control of everything, and so I think having so much choice and so much control is contributing to why people are unhappy.  And as a result of that high locus of control, we spend a lot more time thinking about the past and the future, and less time sitting with ourselves in the present.  We don’t give ourselves a lot of downtime to just exist, without external distractions or letting our thoughts control our experiences.  Learning how to be mindful and fully present is an important skill in order to battle depression and anxiety.

Culturally, like I said before,  I think depression and anxiety have become more acceptable to talk about, which is good!  But those discussions are also creating a sort of echo chamber, where everyone around you is also struggling.  I think the sort of “depression meme culture” we’re seeing online today is actually a problem because of that- people are pulling each other down instead of working together to recover from their mental health problems.  It’s becoming normalized to be a teenager or twenty something with a mental health issue, and the more we accept this as normal, the less people will seek help or treatment.

Last one, and this is a strange one, but bear with me here- I think that 9/11 had a huge impact on the anxiety levels of people born in the 90s in the US (and I imagine similar events that have happened in other countries would have the same impact).  I think children who saw that happen but couldn’t really process the situation are more likely to become anxious adults because to a ten year old brain it seems like something terrible could happen anytime, anywhere, and that trains our brains to constantly be on red alert, waiting for the next catastrophic thing to happen.  I would guess this is especially true of people (like me) who lived in New York when it happened.
  On a larger scale, I think many of us have never really had the luxury of living in a world that’s (seemingly) working well and at peace, and there’s kind of a generalized, low-level anxiety that comes with that.

This definitely isn’t a comprehensive look at the issue, but hopefully this gives some insight into it at the very least.  If you all can think of other factors that might contribute to the rise in anxiety and depression, please send them in!

Fuck

I read a lot about people who have similar experiences to mine and become "people pleasers," never saying no, always trying to gain approval, putting too much on themselves

and I'm like that doesn't seem like me because I say no all the time, I hate helping people, guess I turned out selfish somehow

But then I realized hey: what happens if you start out as a people-pleasing kid but you can't succeed no matter how hard you try? like you always forgot something or didn't do it as perfectly as, say, an experienced adult would have?

and if you do succeed it gets held against you, like being a teacher's pet let me in for years of bullying, teachers loved me because I had great grades and I liked learning but school was a nightmare

Wouldn't it make sense at some point to say "okay fine, if this is what happens when I try to make people happy then I'm just not even gonna try anymore, so there"

And eventually your default response when people ask you for things is no because you know you won't feel good about it -- like the fuzzy feeling other people get for doing a kind thing, or for a job well done, has been trained out of you -- and you've come to expect that no one else will be happy either

you're looking for concrete incentives now, and you also get pretty fucking mad when you feel like people don't appreciate the things you do do because you had enough of that shit as a kid and you're Done With It

So yeah now it comes off as selfishness and indolence but that doesn't explain how strongly you didn't want to grant people's requests, how much it felt like fear. It's just another maladaptive coping mechanism you've been working on without knowing where it came from, one of those that felt like you were being an asshole for no reason (what am I even afraid of?! WHO KNOWS WELCOME TO THIS BULLSHIT) but guess what, it's got reasons! they all got reasons. it's finding them that's hard.

F2: How do we cope?

So I’m someone who has a moderate dose of anxiety in her life, which is being combatted through therapy, medication, & learning healthy coping mechanisms. I’m no expert, but I have some experience dealing with strong negative emotions. One strategy I’ve been recommended is asking yourself, in any given anxiety-riddled situation, “What’s the worst-case scenario that could happen?” This brings you out of your own head- out of hypotheticals- and into the concrete.

Don’t get me wrong, it can be painful to think about. But it can be helpful to see where our biggest fears lie. And if you’re interested in alleviating those strong negative emotions, it’s a necessary step.

I’ve said before that I’m trying to stay open-minded and optimistic about this movie. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have fears and concerns. For me personally, my biggest "worst that can happen” theories for the ending of Frozen 2 are:

- The sisters never see each other again (with a heart-shattering goodbye scene that makes us all inconsolable) - Elsa loses her humanity to become a spirit/goddess, essentially intangible and immortal - Elsa is no longer called “Queen Elsa” in the franchise, invalidating a huge historic part of her identity - Elsa doesn’t attend Anna’s coronation because she’s “too busy” doing other shit - Disney+ makes a spin-off TV series with Elsa going on adventures (just please... no.)

(please don’t chime in with what you guys think about those ideas, at least in this post, whether they’re right or wrong... that’s not the point.)

So what if any, if all, of these things happen? What next?

Stuff not to do (I mean, do whatever you want, but these probably won’t be very helpful)

- oversleeping as a defense mechanism - eating your feelings - drinking/using substances to numb pain - stew and ruminate on the internet with people who only get your sadness and anger riled up - spend all day on the internet - engage in maladaptive compulsive behaviors (oh, hello dermatillomania. great to see you again.) - completely avoid feeling your feelings - making impulse decisions (don’t go buy a car just because “Frozen 2 sucks, the world is meaningless.”) - rant to Jen/Chris/the creative team at Disney on Twitter (which is different from an honest review of the movie, which I’m sure they’d be more receptive to)

Stuff to do

1) Grieve the movie we longed for. 

This might sound dramatic and my inner critic is constantly chiding me with “It’s literally a movie for kids, why are you so bonded to it?” But that’s totally unhelpful here. It doesn’t matter why or how, but most of us in the fandom feel a deep connection to the first movie. It’s not exaggeration to say that IF the sequel crushes us, it could be emotionally devastating. Grief is complex, individualized, and weird to work through... but it’s real, and if it’s something we need to face in order to move forward,  2) Decide how tightly to hold onto the franchise. 

Something being canon doesn’t mean we have an obligation to internalize it. How many franchises before have whittled their stories down to C-rated TV shows and average spinoffs? Do we accept all of them wholeheartedly?

Granted, this is hard to write about because there’s a slight cognitive dissonance that has to happen for us to disbelieve the sequel of any story.  But regardless, determining your relationship to the narrative is a deeply personal choice- one that can’t be decided for you. If my worst-case scenarios happen for F2, I’m probably going to maintain my complete love for the first movie... and pretend the sequel is an AU. Or extrapolation. Accept that it exists as the canon progression, but reject its meaning in my life.

3) Get off the internet. 

This is probably the best possible thing to do when the online world is causing you strife and stress. Tumblr has a tendency to be an echo-chamber; I actually only recently rejoined after a long loooong hiatus for that reason. Despite what boomers want you to think, the internet’s not inherently toxic. But despite all its good, it’s also highly curated, completely biased, full of half-truths, and a fantastic vehicle for rumors.

Also realize that until November 22, anything and everything Frozen 2-related that’s released by Disney is going to make you psychoanalyze the content for clues on how to feel. We’ll all become obsessed, deranged Sherlocks in our own right. Don't let it consume you.

4) Creatively output your thoughts & feelings

Headcanons, AUs, derivative work, fan fiction, fan art all serve us well (and are way healthier than like, downing an entire chocolate cake in sadness.) I’m an artist and you bet your biscuits I’ll be sketching Elsa for weeks and WEEKS before & after the premiere. It’s just how I process things.

Another thing I’ve decided I’m going to do if any of my worst-case scenario fears are realized is: write letters to the sisters as if they were real people. Talk to them about the ending. Jen Lee kept journals writing to/from the girls when they were conceptualizing the movie; I think there’s merit in letting the characters speak for themselves.

5) Employ your favorite coping mechanisms

These are personal to you, but could include:

- meditation - working out or exercising - yoga - writing/drawing (see above point) - making coffee or tea & relax in bed with a book - talk to someone about it, bonus points if it’s someone in the “real world” - take a walk outside - use breathing exercises - take a hot bath or shower - clean your room/house/apartment - put on music - cook - play with a pet - do something with a friend Note that all of these have to do with the external world. Distraction doesn’t heal us by itself (which is why denial is a poor way of dealing with shit,) but it helps our brains reset in the background. It sets the rest of the world into perspective, so that we can more effectively face our negative emotions later.  Remember, there’s nothing wrong with putting off processing until you’ve done something helpful or enriching. “Listen brain, we can cry later, right now I’m going to bake pumpkin cookies and you can’t stop me.”

6) Remember story is told to connect us with the real world

The idea of escapism is a bit paradoxical, because in pursuing a fantasy world, we’re only working to realize our desires in the real world. The reason we love Frozen so much is because we want that kind of love in our own lives... and the fairy tale reminds us that it’s real. Idealized and sanitized by The Mouse, sure, but it’s real. 

It may be painful to acknowledge but: we don’t need Elsa, Anna, Kristoff, or Olaf in order to flourish. Fiction exists to affect us in the real world. Frozen is one story among many- MANY!- that have the potential to sculpt your own personal future. That’s not to say it doesn’t retain a deep meaningful significance for us. I’m going to hold the first movie in my heart forever, that I know for sure. But its reasons for being great are because it plants us in reality. Can you imagine a beautiful young woman with the ability to freeze ice? Maybe that’s not plausible. But an undying, fiercely loyal commitment between two women? Hell yeah. 7) Recognize idolization & parasocial relationships where they may be... and start to heal them

This is heavy stuff that might require a professional to help you sort through- but if you’re truly suffering, paralyzed, or flung into a depressive episode due to any life circumstance (including a movie sequel,) it’s not silly to seek help in order to move forward. 

Parasocial relationships are perceived relationships where the other party (usually a celebrity, in terms of celebrity worship) doesn’t know you. Fictional worlds can fall into this category as well. It’s a one-side relationship that feels unbalanced when the other party does something we don't like. This is a studied topic I’m not super knowledgable on, but here are some links to more information if you’re interested: Why We Get So Attached To Fictional Characters by Kimberly Truong 

Parasocial Relationships with Fictional Characters in Therapy by Kathleen Gannon

Parasocial Break-Up from Favorite Television Characters: The Role of Attachment Styles and Relationship Intensity by Jonathan Cohen

Our fictional friends: Parasocial interaction and relationships in an evolving media world by Carri Romm - - - Also: I love you guys. <3 I love being in the Frozen fandom. It’s all going to be okay.