#I REALIZED IT YESTERDAY AND I COULDNT STOP THINKING??? HAS ANYONE THOUGHT OF THAT YET??? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shoichee · 3 years

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Rose-Tinted

Craving for angst with kise please!! Like both are afraid to act on their feelings which ends up hurting the both of them unconsciously. Idk, maybe kise is trying to “test” the girl, but went a bit too far i guess. Whatever floats your boat!! I just want angst but maybe hopefully still HEA in the end (or whichever your muse takes you) ;-; thank youu ❤️

Kise x Reader

Word Count: 6975

Note: oh my GOD, HELP THIS WAS 17 PAGES ON MY GOOGLE DOC I COULDNT STOP MYSELF………. angst, happy ending, fake dating!au, mean old kise ….. girl idk WHAT I WROTE I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT ????? reader POV first half and kise POV second half~

@knb-kreations

»»—————　☼　—————««

He holds you so gently, the touch so feather-light as he cradles your head and dips his own head in for a soft peck. The warmth of his lips makes you feel things you shouldn’t feel, things that you still chased for more in a never-ending cycle. You hold onto his hands thumbing your temples to try to anchor yourself further into the bliss, but it ends all too soon when he separates from you and gives you a radiant smile.

You were rudely pulled out of your rose-tinted trance when you heard gasps and chatter amongst the gawking students nearby, particularly Kise’s fans. He doesn’t pay any mind to their reactions and turns his friendly demeanor towards them.

“So you see everyone,” he cheerfully says. “I’m sorry I can’t accept any of your affections, as much as it flatters me so… after all, I have my dear (y/n)-cchi by my side!”

Groans and cries rung throughout the campus as most wail about missing out the opportunity to be Kise’s romantic partner, but before you can listen to their laments, Kise hurriedly tugs you away to the privacy of the back of a building nearby, away from prying eyes and ears. He drops your wrist just as fast and yawns with a stretch.

“What time should we meet up tomorrow?” he casually says, taking out his phone from his pocket.

“Huh?”

“Well, we can’t exactly sell our image of us being a couple unless we walk to and from school together consistently, right (y/n)?”

The rose-tinted lenses on your self-indulgent fantasy shatters to the ground instantly. You gulp, the swallowed spit hitting down to your stomach in heavy dread, where it was previously occupied by fluttering butterflies just moments prior.

This isn’t real.

“Ah… um,” you hesitated, thinking of a reasonable time, so you can wake up and get ready accordingly. “How about this time…”

“Yeah, that sounds good,” he replies, shutting off his phone before he walks a few steps away from you but then stopping. “Huh, uh… should I walk you home first? There might be some nosy people around, and we might as well get some practice in as an official couple.”

“W-Why don’t we start tomorrow morning instead?” you suggest. “A lot’s happened today, and well, I wanna have some time to myself.” Kise impassively stares at you for a couple of seconds before he forms a grin.

“Ah ha, well then, (y/n)-cchi,” he shouts jovially, making sure that his voice rang throughout the area for anyone nearby to hear. “I’ll be waiting for you tomorrow morning, my love!”

“Y-Yeah…” you mumbled, your hand held up in a half-hearted wave. “See you…”

With that parting, you turned to the opposite direction to exit through the side gates to get to your home. Your mind scrambles to recall the impulsive decisions you decided to take on a whim today. The grip on your bag tightens as you finally realized what sort of situation you got yourself into.

You like Kise, plain and simple. You’ve always gazed longingly at him whenever his presence entered within your line of vision. You couldn’t even fault his fans for being so whipped for the basketball player in the first place, not when you felt like you were more enthralled by him than anyone else. So what does a love-stricken fool like you do when the source of attraction directly asks you to partake in a “relationship?” You immediately accept his conditional proposal on auto-pilot before he barely finishes his sentence.

It felt so wrong, yet so right. How can you hate this arrangement when you enjoyed that first kiss you shared with Kise earlier? But how can you love this arrangement when you knew Kise only kissed you to drive everyone off? You stopped on the sidewalk and heaved a huge exhale, and you continued to walk again, the action not even remotely able to clear your head. Your mind continues to swirl and race.

You agreed to this. He even laid out his intentions very clearly to you, and he was more than ready to leave you alone if you didn’t consent to this. But stupid, desperate you did. You were ashamed to feel even a shred of flattery when he told you that you were the only one he can ask to drive off his fans in this only effective method: a relationship.

“Why me?” you said, looking up at his casual posture. “Don’t you have someone you like to ask to be in a relationship? I’m sure they’d be more than happy to accept you…”

“Well,” he mumbled. “I don’t really have someone in mind… you’re kinda the only one who doesn’t drool over me whenever I’m near, and I just ought to ask for your help.”

“W-Well,” you slightly stammered. “I’m okay with helping you, right, so…”

“This isn’t something to accept so readily, you know,” he said, raising a brow. “I know this is super sudden, and it wouldn’t be fair for me to force an answer out of you right at this moment. Besides, I don’t think there’s any incentive for you to be in this either? It’s okay if you don’t want to.”

“N-No!” you interrupted, but you coughed to regain your composure. “I mean, I do have something in this… maybe if I got with you, people would stop trying to harass and tease me if I had someone like you by my side.” That was a half-truth, but you knew there was no way you could reveal your crush to him… not when he believed you were “different” from the others. But can anyone blame you for sticking up for Kise when someone was talking about him like a piece of meat rather than a normal person? “Besides, for you to get to this point, things must’ve gotten too chaotic to simply tell them to stop, right?”

“Huh… is that so,” he said, stretching his neck, but you didn’t know whether or not he intentionally ignored your last question. “Well, if you’re fine with this, I’m letting you know now that we’ll be doing actual couple stuff, like…” He pauses for a second to gauge your reaction. “Hugging, hand-holding… probably kissing too…”

“Y-Yeah,” you nodded. “That’s fine with me! And we’ll have a code word in case either of us overstep our boundaries in any way… maybe…”

“Unagi,” he said.

“Huh? Why?”

“Because they’re the bane of evil…”

“It’s just a dish, but…” you laughed, giddy at how he already showed a different side to you apart from his cool persona. “Alright, let’s go with that.”

How long were you able to keep this up? You pat yourself on the cheeks to dismiss the rest of your fantasies. If you keep this up, Kise will soon notice how you actually were head-over-heels for him all this time, and surely you’ll lose any future chance with him. Besides, maybe you can use this unique arrangement to learn about Kise and his hobbies other than basketball. Yes, you tell yourself, jogging the rest of the way home. It won’t be so bad, after all.

———

Starting today, you’ll be officially dating Kise.

That’s how it is on paper, anyways.

How are you supposed to act while dating the Kise Ryōta? Equally cool and flamboyant? Athletically capable? Would you weird out Kise if you were the one initiating physical affection?

“(y/n)!”

You flinch, not expecting anyone to call for you so early in the morning, and your walking route to school was never shared with another student as far as you were concerned. After all, your path was a little more obscured and unorthodox compared to the majority of students traversing the main neighborhood paths.

“Sorry… did I scare you?” You stop and turn to the source of the voice, only to be surprised when you see Kise himself. “Why do you look so surprised? Didn’t we agree on the time to meet up and walk to school together?”

“Oh… yeah…” In the midst of your thoughts, it seems that you forgot the arrangements you made with him yesterday evening. “My bad?”

“Oh, come on,” he gives a mock-hurt face with a hand to his chest. “Am I that forgettable, (y/n)?”

“N-No!” you immediately deny. You knew it was more like the other way around, the way constant thoughts of Kise preoccupy in your head too much. How can you ever forget him when he constantly runs through your mind everyday for so long? Kise merely gives a good-natured sigh before he changes the subject.

“Kidding,” he says, holding out a hand to you. “Seriously though, get your act together. We gotta start acting the part if we want this to work.” You stare at his hand, hesitating for a split moment before you put your own hand on top. His large hand easily encompasses yours, and the warmth makes you widen your eyes. It… felt nice.

You were so entranced by your linked hands that you failed to notice how Kise was staring at your face with a sharp glint in his eyes, but when you look up back to his face, he easily morphs his expression into his signature grin. He swings your hands around like an excited kid and turns to walk ahead to tug you along.

“Alrighty!~ Let’s hurry together before I get chewed out by Kasamatsu-senpai!”

“Kise, have you ever considered that it’s not really your tardiness that gets the captain mad but more so about the way you seem to irritate him with the way you skip around?”

“(y/n),” he says with a pout, “you know you’re not being convincing when you use my last name to address me as your boyfriend.”

“R-Right,” you stammer, still not used to the entire situation. “Ah… wait. Don’t you uh… call people who are close to you with -cchi?”

“Huh…” he mumbles, looking up at the cloudy sky before looking ahead of the path. “Not necessarily people who are close, just people who I really admire. I guess I addressed you like that yesterday without really thinking.”

“U-Uh, right… sorry.” He stops walking with your hand still in tow, and you almost bumped into his back at his sudden movement. He turns to you with a quite serious look.

“Do you want me to call you that?”

It was a normal question, but for some reason it felt like the next sentence coming from your mouth would make a huge impact on the way the two of you would interact in the future. From the way Kise looks at you with such a scrutinizing gaze, it feels like a trick question, and you’re not sure how to answer it. Your mouth goes dry when you try to reply.

“I… I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Kise’s eyes widen a fraction before he gives an unexpected chortle. “Pfft… how do you not know what you want to be addressed as?”

“Arrgh, oh shut it!” you frown, hitting his arm in a fluster before stalking off ahead. You remember that you were supposed to go to school together, and you begrudgingly stop and turn back to wait for him to catch up. “Ryōta, just call me whatever you want. You’re already calling me by my first name, so I doubt anyone would care if you added -cchi or not.” Still, your cheeks turn pink at the realization that Kise would be uttering your first name for the next couple… whenever this relationship will last.

“You… wait up!” Kise wheezes dramatically, despite the both of you knowing full well how easily he can catch up to your stride. “You really shouldn’t be treating your boyfriend like that! Especially on the first day!” Kise holds your hand again to lead you to the rest of the way to school.

All the while, you’ve been staring at his back, your heartstrings being tugged so mercilessly at the cacophony of emotions you were feeling the whole time. He felt so warm, so inviting, but the way he held your hands felt cold and transactional.

———

You’re not sure how to react whenever Kise introduced himself as your “boyfriend” to everyone or whenever nosy students inquired about your new “boyfriend.” All you could do was gulp and manage the most convincing act you could do within different contexts. Smile, laugh, get bashful, be modest in talking about how Kise managed to “like” you, pretend you know many embarrassing stories and sides to him that no one else did. Truthfully, you were just as in the dark as anybody else.

You think the only reason why everyone bought the couple-act was due to how enamored you were in talking about him. This was the only response you could be truthful about. At least you could use your huge crush to your advantage in portraying yourself as the “lovey-dovey” half of the couple. Yet it feels unbelievably wrong.

You knew you had to prepare yourself some preset answers for curious students, but you didn’t expect yourself to be participating in neverending “interviews” in these social settings. You thought this relationship would entail a closer access to Kise’s true self, but things suggest otherwise.

“Ryōta,” you say, peering up at his face as the both of you walk down the hallway to your designated spot for lunch together. Even as you two walk, he puts a reasonable distance between the two of you when there is no one in close proximity. Even when you two are together, he only grabs your hand when it’s socially convenient. Even when Kise approaches you to talk, you know it’s never anything beyond for the sake of acting. And you agreed to this entire thing.

“Hm?” He spares a glance to your figure before returning his gaze ahead.

“Uh, I brought extra food today,” you say, trying to use this situation to try to express your genuine feelings to him in small increments. “I brought an extra bento box too… in case, you don’t wanna actually share one…” He was about to reply before a pair of students turned around the corner to head towards your direction. Kise narrows his eyes at the unexpected turn of events, and immediately turns to you brightly.

“(y/n)! You really thought that I wouldn’t like the idea?” he pouts. “Of course I wanna share a bento with you! Silly…” He slightly bends to your level to place a chaste peck on your forehead.

“Ah…” you freeze at his soft touch, your legs stiff in place as you stop walking. Kise, in response, moves his lips to your ears, and you slightly shiver at the unexpected intimacy… it was the closest he’s gotten to you ever since that public stunt when he kissed you in front of everyone the other day.

“Hey, don’t just stand there… you can’t overreact like this over something couples do everyday.” You bit your lip in an attempt to stop your heart from sinking from disappointment, but in turning your face to him to spill an apology, your face ended up right in front of his. Your eyes widen but he only stares at you with such an intensity that makes you hold your breath in anticipation.

But he immediately draws away and stretches with a yawn. “Looks like those people left right after they thought they intruded on a private moment between us,” he says. “Sheesh, people really do the most to be so nosy nowadays.” You wonder how he can be so casual about this all. Perhaps it was a mistake to be here like this when you were so in love with him, overthinking every single thing he did.

Why didn’t he kiss you this time? Did he not find you the teensiest attractive enough to want to kiss you even without an audience nearby?

“Come on,” he mumbles, waving a hand through your face. “Quit making that face. I won’t be doing that to you without warning anytime soon. My bad, okay?” Kise sheepishly holds out a hand for a handshake to make peace, and you wordlessly take his hand. One day, you’ll stop being his special someone to savor his warmth…

No, you thought, you’re an idiot… he’s never considered you as someone special.

You debated in telling him that you were fine with him kissing you, but you hold your tongue, afraid that he’ll realize your true feelings about him. Besides, were you really okay with him kissing you when he didn’t reciprocate the same feelings?

“It… wasn’t like what you think,” you hesitate. “It just caught me off guard.”

“Well,” he laughs. “That’s a relief! By the way…” He stops to settle himself on the bench. “What’s exactly your lunch? Since you went through the effort to bring extras, I guess I’ll eat them.”

“I packed salmon from leftovers I had from home,” you reply, taking out your bento box and utensils. You decide to shake off your negative thoughts and shove them to the back of your mind. He makes a horrified face at the lunchbox. “Kise, what’s wrong?”

“Do you… happen to have anything else packed?”

“Rice?”

“Well,” he coughs. “I’m not a fan of dishes with boned fish.”

“Didn’t you say you hated unagi too?” Kise shyly averts his gaze before he reluctantly confirms it so. “They’re delicious though! Especially when they’re grilled!” At first, he refused to answer, but the more you tried to poke and prod (literally too, at his ribs), he finally gave in.

“Alright, alright! But I swear, you better not tell anyone!… I choked on a fish bone one time…”

“… And?”

“And yeah.”

“You choked on a bone once and you got scared out of eating fish—”

“Shhhh!” he hushes, emphasizing his hiss with a finger to his lips. At this very moment, you saw a glimpse into who Kise really is, and you can’t help but bust out a genuine, carefree laugh for the first time in front of him. In embarrassment, he bonks your head with his fist to get you to stop laughing, but it only makes you more conscious of how close he is to you.

But just as quickly and telepathically, Kise puts some distance between the two of you, sitting closer to the edge of the bench. He opts to hunch over casually and keenly watch you scarf down your meal in minutes without a care.

You wonder if you should feel guilty for enjoying this moment with Kise, even if he was only waiting with you out of obligation of being your “boyfriend,” but right now, you allowed yourself to indulge, letting your heart beat sporadically without guilt and fear for once. You continue to savor your lunch in silence, concentrating on munching around the fish bones, while Kise sat in contemplation all the while.

———

“You should come watch our practice game today, (y/n).”

“Eh?”

You tilt your head at him in confusion. It’s been two weeks since you started this arrangement with him, but nothing extraordinary or groundbreaking happened between the two of you, much to your despondency. But you knew, you shouldn’t be asking for too much when you already have the once-in-a-lifetime chance to be close to him like this.

“There’s going to be a lot of people coming,” he explains. “Even if it’s just a practice game… it’d be weird if you weren’t there, because, you know, we’re dating.”

“I don’t mind going,” you reply. “It sounds fun.”

“You know, you’ve been agreeing to everything I’ve been suggesting the entire time,” he mumbles to himself, but he zips his mouth shut when he sees you instinctively moving closer to try to catch what he said. “Uh, in any case… just stop by the gym whenever you can.”

So here you are a few hours later, being the first person to settle yourself on top of the 2nd floor of the gym. You rest your arms on the railway, fascinated by the Kaijō basketball team and their skills. As they warm up on the courts, it’s the first time you see Kise truly at ease and happy with the people he cares about, and your heart pangs in jealousy seeing his genuine smile. You were pulled out of your thoughts when you realized the gym became completely crowded, the constant chattering announcing huge crowds along the entrance and the lucky watchers at the 2nd floor with you.

You didn’t mind the onlookers when all you were focused on was Kise throughout the entire game with a smitten look, and you weren’t surprised when his team easily won against the other local school.

“That’s Kise isn’t it?” You were about to turn to leave the higher floor to wait outside the gym when you heard his name. You stop to eavesdrop on the conversation next to you.

“Yeah, I’ve been hearing about him way too much. Something about him dating now?”

“He’s dating (l/n) right now, which is super weird because they never even talked… and all of the sudden, they’re dating? I didn’t think of him to be into short-term flings.”

“You think he’s using (l/n) in some way? What an asshole.”

“Yikes. You’re probably not even that far off the bulls-eye. He’s a really heartless guy, from what I’ve heard.”

“Hey,” you interrupt, scaring the two girls out of their wits before they turn to you. “I don’t think you should talk about Kise like that when all you know of him is through speculation.”

“Ugh, here we go again with his fans…” one of them groans, rolling her eyes. “Look, I get it, he’s good-looking and all, but I don’t understand how you can defend him to death when he doesn’t even spare a glance at you… ah… shit, you’re (l/n)?” A flash of hurt was visible on your face for a split second before you frowned. Their words unintentionally hit the nail in the coffin.

“Whether I’m (l/n) or not doesn’t really matter,” you say angrily. “Gossiping about anyone like that isn’t something you should make a habit out of.”

“Jeez, let’s just leave,” the other girl whispers, dragging the first girl along.

You simply stand there watching them leave, but you can’t shake off what they said. They were right… how could you be so whipped for him when you know he’ll never see you the same way?

“Oy!”

Kise’s voice brings you back to your consciousness as he waves at you from the court. “You’ve been standing there for a while! Hurry up, or I’ll leave you behind, (y/n)-cchi!”

“Coming!” You race from the 2nd floor to the ground level to catch up to him, your heart pounding all the while. Did he… did he just…?

You shake your head before you reunite with him to walk home together. Stop it… don’t overthink it.

———

Kise waits at his usual spot to wait for you before walking to school together. It’s been three weeks since he’s approached you to “date.” He’s grown quite comfortable with this arrangement, being close to you and backing off when it’s convenient. After all, if you somehow showed a gruesome true self of yours, he’d be able to separate himself from you with no consequences… even if his heart would cry out not to.

“Ryōta!” There you are, running down the path towards him so cheerfully. Could you really be an awful person when you have such a pure smile like that?

“Ah, (y/n)-cchi,” he says. “We should hurry if we wanna be inside campus. It’s a little chilly today, so being indoors sounds really nice right now.” He peers over to your face to see your nose slightly red from the cold, and he huffs out a chuckle, noting the warm puff of air escaping from his own lips.

“I guess it’s a little cold today,” you say, looking up at Kise with a slight childish wonder. “Hey, that’s a pretty cool cloud that you puffed out.”

“You have some clouds around you too.” He gently smiles, and he notes that your eyes widen at the sight of him. “Wha? Is my face that horrific, (y/n)-cchi?” You avert your gaze as your cheeks grow just as red as your nose.

“Nah… i-it’s nothing…ah—” He holds your cheeks to turn your face back to him, and he draws near with a serious gaze, bumping his forehead against yours.

“You’re actually really cold…”

“Uh, um… I don’t think I’m c-cold anymore—” you stammer, your eyes darting to look everywhere but his face, and Kise’s eyes only scrutinize your behavior further.

“Hm, if you say so…” he mumbles. Your eyes flutter close at the anticipation, and he feels the pull towards your lips, closing his own lids shut…

Wait, what was he thinking? He snaps his lids open and slightly draws himself away to look at you, still vulnerable with your closed eyes. It’s only when he drops his hands from your cheeks and turns to walk ahead when you flutter your eyes open again. Don’t let your feelings for (y/n) blind you into figuring out who they really are.

“Come on,” Kise calls out to you. “We should get going… we don’t wanna be late.” Besides, what if there’s a possibility that you don’t really like him at all?

“Y-Yeah…”

The rest of the walk was in silence, with Kise slightly ahead of you. Perhaps if he turned around at least once to check on you, he would’ve seen the consequences of his actions.

You were silently crying the entire walk.

———

Nothing seems to change much for the entire month. The way the two of you dance and sway around each other, while never being too close, never being too affectionate, never being completely honest. In this shared rose-tinted world, the frail glass that holds these moments together threatens to break with every fickle interaction. Every shared kiss constitutes another small crack to the rose-tinted crystal.

And both of you are content with just the way things are.

Or that’s what you both mutter to yourselves like a mantra.

“Ryōta!” you call out to him. “Did you wait long?”

“Not really,” he says. “I just barely got out too… the teacher was really lenient on dismissal today, actually.” His heart swells at the sight of you as usual, but just as quickly, he’s always managed to quash his emotions in check.

For the first time, you initiate physical touch with him without hesitation, linking your hands with his and snuggling up to him. He flinches, not fast enough to process the sudden warmth of your body, and he immediately separates himself from you. Do you actually like him after all?… No, something is up, right?

“Ryōta…?” You flinch just as severely from the sudden reaction, and he turns to avoid looking at your face, knowing that his resolve would crumble right in front of you. He’s a coward, and he fucking knows it.

“S-Sorry, (y/n)-cchi! I don’t know what came over me like that, but you know you don’t have to force yourself to do things like that, right? There’s no one here, so let’s just walk home together like we always do, yeah?”

He turns to already walk ahead, too afraid of hearing your response and hoping you would follow and catch up to him… like you always do.

You simply stood there for a few moments, anguish clear as the sky above you as you keep telling yourself to manage your own expectations. Still, your voice croaks out quietly to respond to him, even if you knew he wasn’t going to hear it.

“… But I wanted to do these things with you, Ryōta.”

———

It’s been several days since that incident.

It was very awkward for the most part, the walks to and from school silent and suffocating. He’s not quite sure how to go about it while trying not to sound disingenuous about it. Nonetheless, even through his quiet apology, your face still lights up, and he’s confused about why you would ever be so forgiving of him.

Although today, lines have been crossed and this shared secretive world between the two of you have completely shattered to the point of no return.

It was quite a blur, an instinct that Kise has developed over the course of this relationship. Every time a group of students drew near, he was always ready to tug you close for a kiss until they left and carry on with their day. Today was usually no exception.

Another group of students was hanging around the corner, presumably spying on you two, and Kise did what he’s always done, grabbing your hand and embracing you for a kiss. Your eyes were blown open in surprise, but when you saw Kise’s eyes elsewhere, something finally snapped inside.

You push him away at his chest.

“U-Unagi… unagi…” Your voice trembles, and you use your arms to cover up the fresh tears. The code word sounds unbelievably stupid out of context, but at this moment, the word alone stabs Kise in his chest. “I-I… just stop… please.” Kise stares dumbly at you, processing the fact that you just used the agreed safe word against him.

“… (y/n)-cchi?” Kise asks with a confused smile. “You’ve never objected to kissing before… I’ve even told you what we’ll be doing if you agreed to this…?”

“How…” you choke on tears. “H-How can you kiss me like that while your eyes are on someone else…?”

“I don’t understand—”

“A-Am I that atrocious to kiss unless you stare at something else or there’s some convenience?”

“I don’t get it, (y/n)-cchi,” he frowns. “Did you expect more out of this or am I missing something?”

“There was no reason to kiss me like that,” you softly wail. “Everyone already knows we’re a thing for… o-over a month now. There’s no reason to kiss me around people anymore when they won’t suspect us anyways…”

“So you don’t want me to kiss you anymore?” Kise’s heart sinks in thinking about where this is going.

“No!—you don’t… you don’t fucking get it! I don’t get it—! Why are we doing this anymore—I just, I see no reason to continue this anymore… you already shooed off your fans, right? Why haven’t you ended this?!”

“(y/n)-cchi—I…” He reaches out for you, but you immediately recoil.

“No—please… no more, I can’t do this anymore!” you sniffle. “I can’t fucking do this… I’m done, I’m tired—please… just look for another person to take my place… I… I’m done—I can’t pretend with you anymore when I always expect more out of it like a love-stricken fool!”

“I…”

“Look—see,” you choke. “I’m just like everyone else who’s in love with you, I’m no different than everyone else R-Ryōta… so that’s why, I-I… can’t do this anymore!”

Kise stands there, staring at you running away from him. It was like everything had gone silent, save for the sound of his blood pounding in his ears.

“You think he’s using (l/n) in some way? What an asshole.”

“Yikes. You’re probably not even that far off the bulls-eye. He’s a really heartless guy, from what I’ve heard.”

He hated rumors, he really did… but for the first time, he feels like he deserves every word thrown at him around the hallways and classrooms. His memory flits to the time when he felt warm from seeing you standing up for him, even if he wasn’t bothered by them before. Now, the warmth is replaced by agonizing regret and guilt wracking through his entire body. His hands feel cold with you gone from his side.

What has he done?

———

He’s grown quiet for the next week.

It’s been a week since you ran from him, and it’s been a week since he last talked to you.

Even his teammates were concerned about his reserved behavior, but just as always, he’s managed to shoot them a convincing smile. Kasamatsu was more persistent about this but eventually dropped it seeing Kise’s refusal to talk about it.

That day when you pushed him away, he couldn’t sleep, his thoughts keeping him awake the entire night. He resolved himself to talk to you the next day… but he changed his mind the last minute… and then he told himself he’d do it the next day… and then he changed his mind again.

He tells himself that it’s because you rightfully hate him, with the way you’d surround yourself with other crowds and groups to prevent him from walking up to you when you were alone. He tells himself that it’s because both you and him needed space to cool off and go back to the way you two were. He refuses to tell himself that it’s because he’s an honest-to-god coward.

He misses you. He misses you damn badly. Why the fuck did he go through such lengths instead of confessing to you straight up? He tells himself that he was being cautious. He tells himself that he doesn’t want his heart to be broken again. He refuses to conclude that it’s because he’s a fucking coward.

“I don’t know what’s been on your mind, idiot,” Kasamatsu says. “But you better solve this yourself quickly if you’re not opening up to me about this. We can’t have your performance quality be dropping even in practice. Hurry up and fix this shit with (l/n)-san already.”

“H-How’d you know?!” Kise raises his head from his desk in astonishment.

“Tch, idiot,” he glowers, chopping Kise’s head with a swift hand. “It’s too obvious from the way you’re moping around… from the way you two stuck together all this time, who wouldn’t notice something happened from the way you’re at your desk watching (l/n)-san like that?”

“O-Ow…” Kise grumbles rubbing his head. Ironically, his captain’s hit cleared up his doubts and he took a deep breath before exhaling. “Got it, senpai.”

“You better.” Kasamatsu goes back to talking to his classmates during break, and even despite not knowing the truth of the relationship, he manages to give solid advice as usual.

Tomorrow. He’ll find you tomorrow.

———

He doesn’t know where else to find you alone other than the place he’s always waited for you before you two used to walk to school together. So he stands there, almost an hour earlier in case you had the idea to walk to school extremely early to avoid him at all costs.

He was right.

Here you are, shuffling your feet as you trudged yourself along the path and looking down at your feet. You even manage to walk past by him without noticing his presence.

Even if you’ve grown to hate him, he’s willed himself to come completely clean about his feelings to you for once. But a part of him is thinking to change his mind again and just let you slip away from his fingers. It’d spare the both of you the inevitable, right?

“R-Ryōta…?”

He was pulled from his thoughts, startled to see you staring at him from a short distance away. Apparently you did notice him after all.

“… (y/n)-cchi…” He swallows his words, knowing full well that his stupid words might blow this up for him again, his words responsible for all the rumors at school, his words responsible for hurting you and will hurt you again.

He wordlessly walks up to you and holds your cheek, and waits. He waits for you to push him away again. He waits for you to say the code word to let him know that you don’t want him near you again. The thought of you running away from him nearly brings him to tears, but he gulps his emotions down and stares at you calmly, with only his upturned brows hinting to his inner turmoil.

“Ryō—”

He swiftly brings his head down and kisses you. In feeling the warmth for the first time in a while, he greedily drinks from your lips, holding your temples more firmly as he searches for more, more, more.

You push him away.

Kise immediately lets go and stares at you like a lost child, unable to mask the devastation from the implications of your actions. But you’re still gripping his uniform tightly, almost as if you didn’t want to let go.

“W-Why…?” you croak, biting your lips to stop any tears from breaking through. “There’s no reason to kiss me. Don’t you know that we’re done? There’s no one to watch us here, no reason for you to walk me to school anymore. You know that, Ryōta. After all, we haven’t talked since a week ago, and you have the audacity to come here and kiss me like everything is okay—”

“… I want to kiss you, because there’s no one around, because there’s no other reason for me to.”

“Why…?” your voice softens to a whisper. “Don’t you hate anyone who likes you in that way? I… I already told you that I see you in that light, like many of your fans do. Don’t you hate me? Don’t you hate me for using this arrangement to get closer to you? Don’t you hate me for expecting something real out of this?”

“I already had an inkling of suspicion that you liked me, (y/n)-cchi,” Kise turns away to look at the bright morning sky. “I just didn’t know if I was wrong or not.”

“Then… why did you ask me to do this whole thing with you…?”

“Because I’m a coward,” he says, looking back to you. You were stunned into silence. For the first time, he finally admits what’s been weighing on his mind for weeks out loud, and his eyes, while drenched in shame, were full of resoluteness. “I liked you, but I was too afraid for the day when you ended up being not like the person I ended up liking. I liked you, but I was afraid of a real relationship that would tie me down. I liked you, but I was afraid of making huge decisions that involved another person into my life. I didn’t want to end the fake relationship because I was too fucking selfish… if I ended it, I’d lose the only connection I had with you… I’m sorry.”

Both of you went silent, bathed in the light of the rising sun. Kise drops to a squat to hide his face from you, and you knew he was trying to stop himself from tearing up. He knows how uncool he looks, but he had no right to cry when you were the one who got hurt the most.

“Ryōta, did you really find it difficult to kiss me…? Just… be honest.”

“Yes,” he looks up from his squat to stare at you with an intense look, even despite his puffy eyes. “Everytime I kissed you, I found it hard to control myself. I thought, what if you were using me to somehow get a kiss from me? or what if I couldn’t stop myself from kissing you and I ended up taking things too far? Looking anywhere but you at least stopped me from getting too invested…”

By now, both of you had turned completely red at his honesty, but he still found you frankly stunning even with your red, puffy eyes. “Look, (y/n)-cchi, don’t you hate me? I used you. The rumors are right—I’m a complete asshole. Just… I won’t blame you if you walk away right now.”

“You do know that I used this opportunity to get closer to you, right?… I wasn’t a saint about this either, so… I’m sorry too.” Both of you go silent again, and you slowly drop yourself to his level in a squat of your own in front of him.

“… C-Can we… can we start over?” you whisper, your warm breath tickling his chilled nose.

“(y/n)-cchi, I don’t think I’m capable of continuing this arrangement…”

“No,” you huff, before you tentatively press a chaste kiss to his lips. “I mean… can we… start over, but this time, as a real couple? I… want this relationship to be substantial. I really do like you, Ryōta.” You murmur against his lips with your hands on top of your knees, waiting for him to rebuke you away with an easygoing comment or a plastered smile.

But he doesn’t do any of that.

“I… guess we can try that,” Kise mumbles, gaze averted as his cheeks flame brighter than his nose and ears.

“Can you kiss me again?” you ask, your voice cracking at the end out of fear he’d turn down your request. Kise flicks his gaze back to you to see you equally red with a hesitant expression.

“Could you… close your eyes?” he asks with a frown.

“H-Huh?”

“Y-You don’t need to see me looking like a mess, I don’t look charming right now.”

“I… guess…” After a few moments of hesitation, you flutter your eyes shut, waiting apprehensively for his lips to descend onto yours again. Kise holds your cheeks and takes the time to admire your features for the first time, and his smile grows wider with every passing second.

‘R-Ryōta…?” Afraid of the fact that he actually may not like kissing you after all, you worriedly open your eyes, only to be greeted by the most brilliant smile from Kise, his figure illuminated by the sunshine hitting the back of his head at the perfect angle.

“(y/n)-cchi,” he teases with a small pout. “Didn’t I tell you to close your eyes?”

Who needs a rose-tinted lens when the sight before you is already so radiant to behold?

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thisdreamplace · 3 years

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Im sad nd m feeling hopeless byond woeds. i feel directionless , alone nd..... very upset about everything in my life

Like yesterday i tried to talk to my mum abt somethng that was bothering me nd instead, she gets so much madder like she has high bp and her bp went up from yelling the crud outa me, like the only explanation other than eiyoo is she got defensive nd felt i was being ungrateful, i mean everyone else in the family stays silent and dont step forward i feel abandoned sometimes like maybe they're secretly glad shes not mad at them? Im sick of feeling this way. Idk if u know this feeling? Im not talking abt her my mum but i mean abt life in general? One real reason my mum is harsh is cuz im not doing well in life, like im not going places i want to (not literal places like metaphoricaly) bcuz of fear and social anxiety that no one ariynd me has a teeny idea of what its like. So im aware that she wants the best for me cuz i understand the everyone is u cincepf a bit. Even then its been years of same things nd issues repeating with me. For example m feeling like im gonna crack one day and when i break forever i don't even want to pick up my pieces!

Im so happy to hear ur doing wonderfully. Nd a part of me felt angry at it for a short while lol honestly like how come things are effortlesly going for u as u say, why cant i how can i experience it too, even tho my inner place is a nightmare place 😆 not a dreamplace like urs. I actually lov ur blog nd you lol dont mind me im just throwing out my thoughts, nd I fully understand how things weren't easy for u in the beginning nd everything u say on ur blog. Wish i could be brave nd not in my mind only

💀 nightmare place

i feel sad that you feel so down because life seems like its against you and you're feeling hopeless. its truly the worst to be in that sort of mindset, and i truly know you can find your way out of it. i'm glad you felt safe throwing out your thoughts here.

the truth of the matter is... the law can be difficult in the way that you really have to be willing to take responsibility for yourself. you really have to be willing to stop feeling sorry for yourself. you really have to be the one to pick yourself up and say, "enough is enough, i cant live like this anymore — i have to do better for myself." the truth is you have to want it more than you want to stay in your comfort zone. because if you dont, your comfort zone will always be waiting to invite you back in. and you will always answer the call. i would know, i lived like that most of my life. because the old way of life is comforting, its what youve always known so it makes more sense to you. you rationalize it, "this is the way things have always been." well guess what. it doesnt have to be that way. but i cant make you change your mind. only you can take that leap of faith.

you have to be willing to change before anyone and anything else does. no more waiting for life to treat you better so that you can finally feel good, you have to feel better with or without the help of the 3D.

when you say it made you angry to see how i'm doing well, i understand. i used to be similar. success stories were bittersweet. i felt happy for the person, but upset that i couldnt relate. why was everyone else able to make the law work in weeks and yet it had been months for me, and things just didnt seem to work ? why me ? that's the way i used to think.

well one day you'll look back at this type of moment and it'll all make sense. you seriously cannot keep being the same person, thinking the same thoughts and same feelings you have for years, thinking you'll get a new result. it's the opposite of what the law teaches us to be true. you've got to change and i mean really change. you must let the old story die and let the new story become your life, entirely.

you can brush off my struggle easily, but realize this. everyday i wake up and make the conscious decision to wake up and have a beautiful experience. a month ago i literally hit rock bottom; everything in the 3D i cared about so much seemed to fall apart. and i had to face that and still find the strength to say, "you know what, fuck this — i can't keep living this way." without the help of the 3D i had to pick myself up everyday, even when i felt like crumbling. i had more than my fair share of crying all day, of feeling like my heart would literally come out because of how hard i cried. considering that maybe life isnt for me after all, and perhaps i would be better off ending it there. i didnt have anything in the external world to give me hope. i had to find hope within myself. i had to look at a world that made me feel so ugly and decide its actually a beautiful world, despite the illusion. i had to take the law seriously, i had to surrender to the teachings, i had to make the art of imagining a daily practice because i decided i deserve better. and only i can give that to myself. the world cannot provide me with anything i refuse to provide myself with — this is the basics of the law. and through persistence, through not giving up on myself on the hard days, i am now singing a much more beautiful song.

when you fully accept that 1) imagining creates reality and 2) you are the only cause for all you experience... it becomes difficult to not take this more seriously. because you know how whatever you are/have within, is your experience. but you have to surrender to those truths, its up to you. i'd recommend listening to the podcast 'feeling twisty' if you're interested in what i'm saying here. mike is really the one who's explanation of the law helped me learn the importance of taking responsibility for my inner world.

im rooting for you sweet, dream place. behind the illusion of the nightmare, a dream awaits. 💖

#i am

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words-for-holland · 4 years

Text

Quarantine Series: Burnt Out

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: Y/N has to work from home during Quarantine, but when she gets extremely busy it’s up to Tom to find a way to help her relax .

A/N: This is my second attempt at this piece. Last time I created this it was super long but it got deleted 😩

All Y/N ever wanted was an opportunity to work from home. Then again, who wouldn't want that opportunity? All she could think about was how nice it��d be to work in the comfort of her own home, not have to dress up in business professional clothing, and most importantly be surrounded by the people she cared for the most. But as the saying goes, “Be careful for what you wish for.”

When a global pandemic decided to take over 2020, Y/N certainly got her wish. Her company was forced to work from home until further notice, but what she didn’t expect was the amount of work she would be given. Y/N was pulled from project to project with deadlines thin as paper, and was expected to pick up the extra work of those that were no longer with the company. There was no time to catch a breath, and there certainly was no time to spend with her beloved boyfriend, Tom. This only made Y/N more depressed and made the Holland boys only more concerned.

“Mate, you got to get her to take a break. She’s gonna overdo it.” Harrison commented to his best friend, as they watched Y/N type away like a zombie from the kitchen.

“You think I don’t know that?!” Tom responded with a defeated sigh. “Every time I ask her, she always brushes it off and claims shes fine. Don't get me wrong, Im proud of her and admire her work ethic, but damn its sucking the life out of her.”

Both Harrison and Tom continued to observe Y/N with a cup of tea on hand, wondering how long it would take before she snapped. Tom hated seeing her like this. To him this wasn’t fair. It’s not fair that her 8 hour shift now became a 15 hr shift. Its not fair that she had to work 3 weekends straight, and it certainly wasn’t fair that her company took precious time away to be together. It was hard enough already that he couldn’t spend time with Y/N like a normal boyfriend would because of filming. Now, that he has the opportunity to make up for the lost time, it’s taken away.

“What if you surprised her?” Harrison quipped.

Tom looked up at his best friend with curious eyes. It took a few minutes to sink in, until the brightest idea figuratively smacked him in the face. “Yeah...yeah!” he responded, a smile forming “And I think I know exactly how to do it.”

As Tom was working through the thought process of his brilliant plan, his younger brother entered the kitchen, looking for his usual afternoon snack. “Hey, does anyone know where —. Oh no...” Harry groaned as he looked up at Tom and Harry. “Whatever it is that you two are planning...Leave me out of it.”

“Come on, mate. You dont even know what were planning.” Harrison defended

“Believe me, I know enough and any plan that involves you in it, is likely to fail 99.9% of the time.” Harry opened up his bag of crisps as he continued to list out the other 99 possible reason why they should have left Y/N alone like she wanted. “Cmon guys, you know how she gets. When she doesnt want to be bothered, she doesnt want to be bothered.”

“You’re right Harry, but she’s so stressed, she’s homesick, and one day she’s going to overdo it. Id be a shit boyfriend, if I let it happen.” Tom reasoned. “Look, Im not trying to do anything crazy here. I just want to give her that sense of comfort and see her relax.”

Harry looked at his brother and then at Harrison, both displaying their best puppy dog eyes, in hopes that he’ll join in. “The face doesnt work on me...but I’ll help for Y/N’s sake.”

Meanwhile, Y/N continued her work in the living room, her eyes firmly glued to the computer screen. After being dragged into the kitchen and the Holland plan, Tuwaine slowly made his way to Y/N. “Hey Y/N.” he happily greeted. “I think it’s time for you get some fresh air, don’t you think?”

Y/N looked up, her glasses slightly shifting forward down her nose. “You know theres this thing called being stuck in Quaratine right?” she responded, continuing to code her project.

“I think the real question is do you really want to work here when there’s just nothing but CONSTANT NOISE !” Tuwaine yelled out, hoping the others would catch on.

“What?!” Tom yelled back. It took him some time to realize what Tuwaine meant by his statement. “Oh...Right!” Quickly, Tom grabbed whatever pot or pan he could grab his hands on and dropped them on the counter. Harrison and Harry gave Tom the strangest look. “What? I gave him some noise?”, he shrugged.

“See?” Tuwaine smiled back at Y/N. “You wouldnt want to distract that working brain of yours with all this going on, right?” Y/N furrowed her eyebrows as Tuwaine as she looked at him and the closed off kitchen. Did they think she was born yesterday? Of course she knew they were up to something. None of the boys were subtle enough to keep everything hush hush.

Y/N shook her head and decided to just go with it. The faster she complied, the faster they’d leave her alone, which only meant more time to finish her work. Tuwaine helped carry her laptop, mouse, and charger to the porch as he led her outside. “See, arent you glad your outside, breathing in fresh air with no distractions?”, Tuwaine spoke out.

Y/N took her time to admire the view. “Wow”, she whispered under her breath. Y/N couldnt remember the last time she set foot outdoors. Seeing the sunlight hit the flower beds, the gentle breeze rustle through the grass; it was beautiful. Of course, the moment was short lived with a simple ding, which only multiplied by the second.

Y/N dripped her head back, trying to rub out the frustration from her face. “Yes, well it was fun while it lasted. Duty calls.”

“Im sure they wouldnt mind if you just took five minutes for yourself at least.” Tuwaine commented, feeling bad about the amount of work he saw popping up on your screen.

“Yeah well that’s Corporate for you. Doesnt matter if you’re 500 km away or if a virus is hurting the population. If you’re not working, you’re useless.” Y/N shrugs. It wasn’t like her company was completely evil, this was just how business worked.

“I know Y/N, and we all see that you care deeply about your work but we’re all so worried about you too. We want you to be mentally okay as well. I know Tom is worried about you the most...He misses you, you know.”

Y/N’s heart dropped the second she heard him say it. She knew that all of this was gonna take some time away from Tom, but she hadn’t realized how much he would be missing her, even though they’re living under the same roof. “Yeah I miss him too, more than anyone will know. Believe me.” Y/N pondered for a moment as she stared at the work in front of her. Perhaps five minutes couldn’t hurt. “Maybe I will take that break after all.”

“Really?”, Tuwaine was surprised she had agreed so quickly, and at the same time he panicked. Tom and the others were not ready for Y/N’s surprise yet. “On second thought, Im wrong. You should keep going and try to finish up that project of yours or else you’ll never be done.”

“Excuse me?” Y/N asked as she tried to close her laptop. “You just spent a whole half hour trying to convince me to stop working, and now you want me to go back and work?”

“Yeah..I mean what do I know, right?” He laughed nervously. Tuwaine looked back at the door, for some sort of signal. Come on man it’s not like your preparing a break for the Queen of England.

“Listen Tuwaine, if I go back there and you boys break anything in that house...I swear— I’ll”

“Y/N!” Tom interjected as he stepped out to the porch. He wrapped his arms behind her waist, giving her a gently kiss on the top of her head. “How’s work, my pretty girl?” He looked back at Tuwaine and mouthed a thank you to him as he left the love birds alone.

Y/N turned around to face Tom, taking in his features and running her hands at the nape of his neck. “Busy, but what else is new? I’ve been missing you a whole lot”

“Me too, darling. Anyway, Im really hoping you can take a break from all this because I’ve got something special for you.”

“Oh no, babe. You know you didnt have to anything for me. Really Im fine..I-“

“I wanted to. In fact the boys wanted in on it too. So this is really from all of us, if you think about it.” Tom grabbed Y/N’s hand as he led her back in to house. “Come.”

As they both enetered the house hand in hand, Tom led Y/N into the kitchen, where the rest of the boys waited with diner burgers in hand and warm homemade chocolate chip cookies on the side of table. What seemed like a simple meal was a cure for any bad day..at least for Y/N it was. It represented a sense of home for her, while being far from Jersey. Even though she hadnt realized it, Tom and the boys knew she needed it. “Wow” Y/N breathed “I...I dont know what to say.”

“Dont say, just eat” Harrison laughed. “In all honesty this was Tom’s idea. We just wanted to make sure you had the support you need.”

“Yeah you deserve this, so please enjoy it.” Harry added. With that, everyone dug in and bonded over a family dinner, sharing laughs and stories. Tom leaned toward Y/N whispering in her ear, “I have a few more surprises after this.”

The next few surprises did not disappointment. He set up a nice warm bath for the two of them to relax and enjoy each others compny. A few subtle kisses, laughter, and silence was shared between the two. Y/N leaned back into Tom’s chest, feeling the water gently flow back and forth. Breathing in and out, she had forgotten how good this felt. Being close to Tom, was a different experience, one that no one could ever do justice. This was what she really needed.

After the bath, Tom led her into their shared bedroom. For a moment, Y/N stopped him as she pulled his head down to hers, giving him the kiss he rightfully deserved. Her lips crashed with his, his hands gently holding the sides of her tiny face. He picked her up as she wrapped her legs around his waist and situated themselves on the bed. Reluctantly, they both pulled away, catching their breath. Their foreheads touching and noses gently rubbing the others. “I love you. I love you more than you could possibly know.” Y/N whispered to him

“And I love you. I just want to give you the world because you deserve it all. My hardworking pretty girl.” Of course all good things must come to an end.

After a great well spent break was shared between Y/N and Tom, she was back on the work grind. Only this time she was working in their room as Tom was reading a script for his next upcoming project. The more Y/N coded, the sleepier she was getting. It onyl took a few minutes before she started leaning into Tom and her eyes started to flutter. Her breaths became slower and she was out like a light.

Tom turned to look at Y/N, smiling to see the sight of her finally at peace. He removed her glasses and set them by her table side. Tom made sure to clock her out of work abd checked to see if her work was saved. Just as he was about to turn off her laptop, another message popped up. “Great”, he muttered, rolling his eyes at the fact her team is still working at this hour. He couldnt help but read it though. Just how badly did they need her anyway?

We all know how hard you’re working and going above and beyond to get these projects out the door. For that, we thank you! On behalf of the company we’d like you all to take a day off on us!

Tom smiled, relieved that shell finally get some time for herself. Feeling triumphant, he shut off her laptop and set it aside. Crawling back into the bed and covering themselves under the blanket. His arms wrapped her waist once again. “Goodnight, my love. Im so proud of you.” he whispered.

#tom holland #tom holland x reader #tom holland imagine #peter parker x reader #peter parker

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mexicanscorpion · 3 years

Text

Today is May 6th 2021

Yesterday I tried to put into use everything I have learned for the last year.

I called my mom to talk. I hadn’t called her in a while..

We were having a good conversation. We were laughing.

Silly me thought that for once I was actually connected to her.

Silly of me to think that. Was it nice? Yes. Yes it was.

I started thinking that maybe just maybe I would actually get along with her.

For a moment, I forgot that she only thinks about how much of a victim she has been.

I forgot I want to be empowered. I forgot she sucks away the power like a vampire.

As she is saying,

“todo te pasa por que no haces caso a tus padres”.

(Everything that happens to you is because you don’t listen to your parents)

“Que puedes tener malo en tú vida? Tienes todo tú mama. Tu PAPA.Tus hermanos”.

(What could be wrong in your life? You have everything. Your mom. Your dad. Your siblings)

“Mi vida siempre fue horrible. No te imaginas lo que me a pasado “

(My life has always been horrible. You cant imagine what has happened to me)

For the love of all the Gods in this universe. I hold it all back. I can feel the anger boil inside of me.

I can feel the tears clouding up my eyes. I suddenly cant breath anymore.

I want to scream and punch something so fucking bad.

My hands become sweaty mess I can feel my heart racing to make this feeling stop. As tears roll down my face words come out of my mouth.

“Mama lo siento que te ayan pasado cosas horribles. Pero a mi tambien me pasaron cosas. No deves comparar tus experiensas con las mias”.

(Mom I’m sorry horrible things happened to you. But I have experienced thing. You shouldn’t compare your experiences with mine)

I still haven’t remembered who I’m trying to reason with.

I still haven’t realized that my words aren’t valid here in this conversation.

MY VOICE IS NOTHING.

She then says nothing. There’s a long pause and she says.

“Te voy a decir algo. Tú me rompiste el corazon cuando te fuiste. Nunca me dijiste por que te fuiste. Que tan mala madre soy que no me buscas. No me tienes confianza? Eres iresponsable y no te importa tu familia. Tú papa y yo nos matamos por ustedes. No entiendo donde te falle”

(I’m going to tell you something. You broke my heart when you left. You never told me why you left. Am I that bad of a mother? You don’t look for me. You don’t trust me. You are irresponsible and you don’t care about your family. Your father and I kill ourselves for you guys. I don’t understand where I went wrong.)

As her word become a tattoo inside my head, that anger gives me chills.

The words cut like knifes and all I want to say is

FUCK YOU MOM. FUCK YOUR FEELINGS. I NEVER TOLD YOU BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS MADE ME FEEL LIKE I COULDN’T. YES YOU ARE A BAD FUCKING MOTHER. WHAT KIND OF MOTHER DOESNT REALIZE THAT HER OWN DAUGHTER IS BEING RAPED BY HER HUSBAND!? I DONT TRUST YOU OR ANYONE. YOU WENT WRONG BECAUSE YOU WERE ALWAYS IN YOUR FUCKING HEAD AND NEVER REALIZED HOW FUCKING BROKEN WE WERE. YOU NEVER NOTICED HOW I NEVER WANTED TO BE NEAR HIM. AND WHEN YOU DID REALIZE I WAS BEING A BITCH TO HIM YOU TOLD ME TO STOP BEING MEAN TO HIM BECAUSE HE IS MY FATHER. AND I FUCKING HATE YOU BOTH FOR THAT. I HATE YOU FOR NOT SEEING IT. AND I HATE HIM FOR DOING IT AND FOR NOT SAYING ANYTHING.

Yet as all this is being yelled at inside my head.

The only thing that come out is “ya mama no eres mala madre. Me ensenaste no major que pudiste. No she puede areglar todo.”

(Mom you aren’t a bad mother. You did the best you could. You cant fix everything.)

I once again forget who I’m trying to be comforting with.

At this point she is uncontrollably crying and she says the one sentence that finally makes me boil.

“Brenda es que no entiendes. La unica gente que te va a cuidar y nunca te lastimara es tu familia. Tú papa te ama y te cuida. Y yo te amo hija. No entindo si tienes todo. No supe educate. Por eso haces lo que haces. Ya no entiendo“

(Brenda you still don’t understand. The one people who is going to take care of you and will never hurt you is your family. YOUR FATHER LOVES YOU AND TAKES CARE OF YOU. I love you. I don’t understand you have everything. I didn’t know how to educate you. That’s why you do the things you do. I don’t understand)

I lose my mind. All I keep hearing is the same thing. OVER AND OVER AGAIN. YOUR FATHER LOVES YOU AND TAKES CARE OF YOU.

I feel all the fucking anger coming out and I cant hold it in. Not anymore.

“Mama ya no se in que putas decirte. Ya estoy arta de tratar de hablar bien contigo. Te digo que no eres mala madre y ve cómo te pones. Ya habalamos luego por que voy a decir algo que no te gusta. “

(Mom I don’t know what the fuck you want me to say to you anymore. I say you aren’t a bad mom and you get like this. We should just talk another time before I say something I regret. )

Before I could even finish my sentence I realized she had already hanged up on me..

Then I remembered that I was talking to someone who cant have a conversation without blaming it all on her. And she is the one who is hurting more. And my own experiences aren’t valid because what happened to me could never be worse than hers. Because guys haven’t you heard!!! I HAVE A FAMILY. I HAVE A MOM AND DAD. I HAVE TWO BROTHERS. MY LIFE COULDNT BE BAD. Not at all.

Excuse my french but this one right here is for my perfect fucking family. ⬇️ ⬇️ ⬇️ ⬇️ ⬇️ ⬇️ ⬇️

-Mexican Scorpion 🦂

#mental health #my life #life #families #perfect family #bullshit #being a mother #rape #sexually abused #fucking done #leaking feelings #writers on tumblr #-Mexican Scorpion 🦂

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ellana-ravenwood · 5 years

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Salt, Tequila, Lemon - Jason Todd x Reader

Please read this intro, thank you very much :

So. I posted this yesterday, but after a bug on the Tumblr app on my phone it got deleted. I’m super bummed out because it had over 200 notes and quite a few feedbacks that I never got to read because it was accidentally deleted...If the people that took the time to comment things on the story could take a bit more time to write a little comment again and give me their feedbacks, and also if the people that liked and reblog could do it once more...i’d appreciate the hell out of you <3. So reposting it (thanks god I always have back ups of all my stories now). Written in twenty minutes during my break at work. Bam. Hope you’ll like it :

Also, since Tumblr’s new guidelines and enforcement of it, I DON’T really appear in searches anymore, so the only way for this story to be seen by others than those who follow me is to reblog it. So if you wanna, you can show your support for my writing by doing just that. Thanks very much. You can find my masterlist here : @ella-ravenwood-archives

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Ok. So. Grandma’s remedy against heartbreak ? Oh, right.

Salt. Tequila. Lemon.

Got it. Licking the back of your hand to make the salt stick to it, you pour yourself a massive shot of “To-Kill-Ya” in your coffee mug, not even caring about the fact that there is still some remnant of your cappuccino from last night in it.

You focus on the sound the liquid makes as it fills your cup. Makes you think about something else. Good. Yup. This was totally gonna help right now.

“Cheers”, you exclaim to yourself, your empty apartment echoing your voice.

Salt.

Wincing. Stingy. Salt on its own is gross.

Tequila.

More wincing. Oh my god, it burns. The coffee that was still at the bottom of the cup is an oddly nice touch.

Lemon.

The last of the Wincing.

You spit the piece of lemon you just bit into in the trash and…miss. The yellow fruit falls with a little flat sound on the floor, and you honestly can’t bother to pick it up. Your apartment is a mess anyway, so you just stare at it angrily and pour yourself another drink.

Salt. Tequila. Lemon.

You gulp the last of the citrus and shiver. Miss the trash again.

Damn. This was good.

Well, actually, it was disgusting.

You didn’t like strong alcohol and what the Hell ?! Why did you leave a bit of coffee in your cup ? Now that the aftertaste was kicking in, it was actually really gross. If the tequila itself didn’t make you wanna throw up, the stale coffee taste nearly did. Oh, and the salt and lemon combination was as awful as ever.

You really didn’t like salt, tequila, or lemon.

But it was still good.

Because thanks to all this immediate awfulness, you could slowly feel yourself drift into “haze land”, and forget about your worries.

Forget that your boyfriend of two years just cheated on you with some random woman you worked with. Woman that, by the way, he met at the Christmas “end of the year” party from you work you invited him to…You gave him free champagne and mise-en-bouche and all your love, and he broke your heart.

It wasn’t your thing, to drink your sorrow away. And it wasn’t your thing either to wallow because of a man…But you genuinely thought he was “the one” (oh what a mistake you would soon realize that was).

He was always so nice, treating you like a princess. He complimented you daily, and never forgot an important date. He was affectionate, not to an annoying point. He was the perfectamount of affectionate. He was a gentleman and seemed to love you and yet, he betrayed you.

If a man like him, that was nothing short but sweet and passionate with you, cheated on you, then did that mean you couldn’t trust anyone ?

Because in your eyes right now, he was perfect. Albeit said eyes were slightly clouded by a a few tequila shots.

You were downing a fourth drink starting to slowly sob when…

There’s very few things that can get you out of a drunk state in seconds.

An extremely cold shower could do the trick, for instance. Brings you back to your senses a bit you know ? You wouldn’t magically be sober, but you’d get a clearer mind. Or someone giving you shocking news ! Or like, an event so incredible that your body just forgets how drunk it is for a minute.

And this event, for you, came at the perfect time.

Right when you were entering your “sad drunk” phase, which was between the “lol alcohol does NOTHING to me” phase where you downed most of your drinks, and the “dancing on the bar’s counter” phase (a few more drinks and you would have a one woman dance party in your living room, acting as if you were on a bar’s counter and that your name was suddenly “Britney”).

Right when you were about to wallow times a thousand, and cry, and yell “whyyyyyyy ?!” to the sky, arms in the air (drama queen).

Years later, looking back on that particular event, you’ll start to realize that Destiny HAS to exist. Because come on, it was just too perfect a timing to be a simple coincidence.

You were about to swallow up your fifth drink, launching yourself head first into the “sad phase” when an ear shattering noise rang all around your apartment.

Broken glass.

It was the sound of broken glass. Heightened to the max by your drunkness. You turned on your stool, and…there he was.

It was a guy. That you were sure of because he had no boobs and too much pecs. And that guy…well that guy just flew right through your window, destroying it. How rude.

There was glass everywhere.

How much did a window cost ? Probably a fortune.

You wondered briefly if you could just use aluminium foil and tape the shit up. There was nothing of value to steal in your apartment anyway, and if aluminium foil could keep meals warm, it definitely worked with a house too right ?

You sobered up quite a bit, but you were also very drunk when this event happened, so your mind was still in that cloudy weird phase where your priorities were…interesting.

You worried more about the broken window at first, than about that guy who just launched through it.

A guy.

Not just any guy.

You saw that guy before.

He was one of those night vigilante your crazy hometown was filled with…RED HOOD !!

“Thick thighs”, is the first thing you thought right after you recognized him (priorities).

The second thing you thought was that you needed another drink, and so you downed what was your fifth one, but with that crazy thing happening ended up being on the same level as if it was a second one. You were tipsy, but not “drunk” anymore.

The third thing that came to your mind was…Is he still alive ?

No cause, he was like, just laying there, on your living room’s floor, not moving.

“…Outch.”

Oh. He spoke.

So he ain’t dead. Good, means you can have another drink then, you don’t need a clear mind to call an ambulance or something.

Oddly enough, in your half-drunk half-sober state, this sounded completely reasonable. Nevermind if Red Hood had some internal bleeding or something. He talked. He was probably fine.

A minute passed, and you just sat there, sipping up your tequila in between taking a pinch of salt and biting into a piece of lemon.

Salt, tequila, lemon. Great remedy against heartbreaks.

Wait, were you heartbroken ? Really ? You couldn’t really recall that fact now. But, yeah…it was the reason why you were drinking right ? Because right now, all you could think about was the fact that this Red hood guy had abs for days…

This unforeseen event sobered you up quite a bit, but the two shots you just took kinda brought you back to the same state than you were before.

Well. Not quite. You were drunk as hell again, but seemed to have avoided the “sad phase”. Instead, Red Hood bursting quite literally through your window took you to another road.

The : “Cool, I got a drinking buddy phase”. Well, taking for granted he didn’t have any internal bleeding and wouldn’t die while biting into a lemon wedge.

“Tough day ?”

You ask him, as he slowly sits up and shakes his head, trying to regain his senses. He looks towards you and seem surprised (or at least you think he is, because he wears a mask so…kinda hard to tell).

************

Jason definitely thought he was alone in this place, because no sane person would just sit there, not saying anything, as someone simply jumped through their window. Nope, most people would just freak out. Scream.

He knows, because it’s not the first time he falls through a window during a night on duty. And every single time it happened, people freaked out. Screamed. Threw stuffs at him, or hid away begging for their life to be spared.

And yet here you were, half a bottle of tequila in front of you, surrounded by lemon wedges you bit into, and table salt all over your hand, just staring at him curiously. And did you just say : “tough day” ?

Well, Jason guessed the empty half of the bottle was why you were so chilled about it all. He sat up, and slowly got back to his feet.

Usually, going through a window meant the end of the night for him. He’d go back to one of his secret stash, patch himself up and get some rest. Most of the time, he fell through windows because someone pushed him or threw him there…Though today, he just embarrassingly missed a step and fell by himself.

Of course, no one would ever now he tripped while jumping from one building to another (you lived on the last floor) and went careening into your home (and life). Nope, the official story would be that he fought a fierce enemy and was thrown into that window. Finding fake villains name was easy, given how truly ridiculous some could be.

Tim and Damian were still after the “Illusive Blue Man” that he totally made up that one time he walked into a poll and had a huge black eye that he couldn’t quite explain…Oh man, he had to stop telling such elaborate lies and just say “I fought with a few guys last night” without more explanation.

But he couldn’t help it. And those kids believed everything he said, it was too tempting…But for now, this wasn’t the issue. Nope.

He did a quick check of his body and knew he wasn’t really hurt (thanks “dad” for the amazing body armor ugh ?), so he was planning on leaving that poor girl’s house and send a mystery check in the mail to pay for the damage (money stolen from a certain Bruce Wayne of course, as if he would pay himself).

Yup. He was just gonna stand up, and go on his way and…somehow, he found himself sitting on the stool opposite side of this mysterious girl, and now she was peppering salt on his hand ?

“Salt”, she says, and she has a cute drunk voice. Jason almost forgets he just went through a window a few minutes ago.

“Tequila”, she continues, downing her drink and pointing at the one she poured him. He doesn’t even care the she poured it in a cereal bowl that she didn’t even seem to have clean…He drunk worst things in worst recipient. He turns away to take off his mask and so that she can’t see his face, and “bottom’s up”.

“Lemon !” she finishes, biting into the sour fruit and spitting it in the direction of the trashcan but missing completely. The lemon wedge goes to lost itself amongst his fallen brothers…

Jason bites into his own lemons, and spits it. Right into the garbage.

There’s a slight pause, where she just stares at the trashcan, and then at Jason, back to the trashcan, and then turns to him again and simply says :

“Wow.”

************

So. This was surreal.

Here you were. In your home. Taking tequila shots. With…Red Hood.

One of Gotham’s night vigilante. The most violent one. But the dude seemed chilled. He was holding his liquor really well.

And now you were talking about your broken heart, telling him the story as if he’d been your friend for years. And he was listening. Intently. And reacting to what you were saying. It had been a LONG time, since you had this kind of talk with anyone, and despite the fact you were drunk, you still noticed how nice it felt to have someone to talk to. Someone that genuinely listened.

“And then he slept with her !” you say angrily.

“Nooooooo !?!”

“Yes, he did ! He slept with…with…what was her name…”

“Nicole. From accounting.”

“Right, Nicole from accounting ! That bitch ! She always just…counts and shit ! And he slept with her ! Nicole from accounting ! Whom he met thanks to me, by the way ! At a partyyyy !! At my wooooork !!”

“What an ass.”

“Right ?! Oh but he had such a good ass though…Quite firm. But whenever he wore jeans, it was super flat.”

“So, not such a good ass in the end then ?”

“I guess not. You have a good ass. Popping right out in this outfit of yours.”

Red Hood chuckles, and the sound of his laughter makes you forget that you just said something incredibly embarrassing. His voice is…nice. Deep. Manly. You like it. You wanna make him chuckle some more, so you say, hoping :

“And it looks very firm. Not just quite firm.”

It works. He snorts and it’s very cute. Oh wow. He can be sexy and cute. Full package. You smile a bit dreamily.

For a second, he’s lost in that smile of yours, and there’s a silence installing itself in the room. A comfortable one. That you break :

“Ok. So now, he’s not that perfect anymore ! He got no ass ! Penalty points ! I never notice how un-assed he was before…”

Jason smiles and damn. He’s hot.

Somewhere along the way, he stopped turning his face away from you whenever he took a shot, and just ended up taking his helmet off. He was probably hoping that you’d black out or something, so you wouldn’t remember his face (or he just didn’t care).

In any case, you were pretty sure you never saw him before. His face kinda reminded you of an old memory. Of someone you saw somewhere long ago, when you were a kid…Which wasn’t really a big help right ?

Right. You had no idea who he was. And in your drunken state, probably couldn’t piece anything together anyway. So even if you did know who he could be, you wouldn’t know in the end anyway…Makes perfect sense right ?

What you knew was : he’s hot.

This white streak in his hair did something to you that you couldn’t explain. And that jawline ? You would love to get cut on that bitch. It could actually cut a bitch, you were sure of it. Those blue eyes ? You’ve never seen someone with such blue eyes. And did you mention to yourself how muscular he was ? Because man you only saw guys like this in magazines !

But beyond his handsome features, he seemed like a nice guy. Like he was listening to you, a total stranger. And this realization suddenly raised your guard up.

You also thought that your ex-cheating-boyfriend was a nice guy. And come to think of it, who the hell just barge in someone’s home like that, and actually stay to drink tequila shots ?! Wait but…in your guts…it’s not like with your ex.

You don’t think he’s a nice guy. You know he is.

************

There’s a visible shift in your mood, after this realization. So far, you talked to him about your broken heart freely, and he listened.

Oddly enough, no words that came out of your (perfect) mouth bored him. Jason wasn’t sure wether it was the alcohol or not, but you captivated him.

But in a split second, and without him knowing why, your features changed. You were now frowning. Like an unhappy little kid. It was kinda cute, but he didn’t like it because…why were you frowning ?

He tries to lighten up the mood and says :

“Well here you go. See, you didn’t loose the perfect guy, his ass was flat in jeans. Can’t work with that, can you ? I bet we can find other flaws. Make you realize he actually was a looser.”

Your guard is up, but you can’t help but smile a bit, plus you were frowning just now because you realized you just knew you could trust that total stranger, and it was so weird….

Besides, no harm in indulging this, because you’re pretty sure it’ll make you feel better to try and see the bad side of your ex-boyfriend, not just his good ones. No one was perfect. And so, still a bit careful, you say :

“Well…He never got any of my Tv shows or movie references.”

“Well, here’s a point to take off of his “perfectness”. Doesn’t get pop culture references. Deal breaker.”

“Yeah…Yeah you’re right. It is. He also used to hate when I made jokes. I like puns ya know ? Terrible ones. Well, he was always embarrassed whenever I made them in public.”

“Ashamed of his girlfriend, doesn’t sound very gentlemanly, right ?”

“Yeah. It doesn’t. Maybe he wasn’t such a perfect gentleman…He also used to not want to go out with me if I didn’t wear any make-up and was dressed just casually.”

“What you mean, he never just went out with you ?”

“We only went out on dates. I had to dress up. I could be casual home though…”

“Well goodie, the man let you be yourself when you were home. Big deal. To be honest, sounds like a douchey move.”

“That was kinda douchey…I never cared what he looked like.”

And it’s true. For you, physical appearance wasn’t everything. And sure you thought your ex was hot and all, but only because you liked his personality too. You liked his jokes, you were never ashamed of anything he said.

And right now, sure that stranger that bursted through your window was hot, but the reason you felt like you could tell him things was because he just made you comfortable by his mere aura. Because he gave you such a good vibe.

You never were fully about appearances. It was always just a bonus for you…So it never occurred to you why your ex would only hang out in public with you if you were pampered. Like he used to hate when you just wore hoodies and no make-up, even if you didn’t need make-up to be beautiful.

Comes to think of it, he was very much about appearances…Uh. Interesting. You never realized that before.

You turn to Red Hood, and the look on your face says it all. You’re slowly realizing maybe you didn’t just lost “the one”. The vigilante says :

“Ok, so : no ass, no humor apparently, doesn’t get pop culture references, and was kind of a jerk when it came to going out with you…”

“He did tell me often that I was beautiful though. Including when I just woke up from a night out, and was awful looking.”

“Yeah, but he never went out with you looking like that. He shouldn’t feel ashamed of hanging out with you looking like that. Just like he shouldn’t feel embarrassed when you joke. He can be exasperated, like if you really make bad puns, sure. And he can think it’s unfunny…But embarrassed ? No.”

“I guess…I never thought about it.”

“Well let me tell you, as someone who does not know neither you nor him personally, he sounds like a bit of a jerk. Let’s not forget he cheated as well. Like, that’s not something good people do. Especially not with…Nicole from accounting.”

“Nicole from accounting…Yeah. They’re together now though.”

“So ? He should’ve broken up with you if he realized he liked her. That’s the right thing to do. Trust me on that, I put villains behind bars for a living, I know what’s right or wrong.”

“I heard you kill criminals.”

“Used to. I used to kill criminals, I had issues. I’ll tell you one day if you wanna. It’s a real tear jerker story. With clowns and crowbars. And I’m telling you that because I’m drunk, right now. Also, if we want to be specific, I don’t actually make a living out of putting villains behind bars. Like, I don’t get paid or anything…”

Jason finds himself ranting about anything that comes to his mind, and though he hears himself claim it’s because of the alcohol he’s saying all this, he realizes maybe there’s something else making him want to talk.

You. A total stranger he walked upon. Or rather, went-through-the-window upon. Who didn’t freak out when he went through said window. And instead, invited him over to have tequila shots.

Because, according to your grandmother, the best remedy to…basically any problems in life, was “salt, tequila, lemon”.

“She was a wise woman.”

He says, and you turn to him, clearly not understanding what he was talking about.

“Who ?”

“Your grandma. For saying that salt, tequila and lemon was a great remedy against heartbreaks and all.”

“Oh. Yeah. I wouldn’t know, I never met her. She died before I was born.”

“Well what she passed on to your parents is great.”

“What ?”

“Well, that “salt, tequila and lemon” thing, I assume she said that to your mom or dad, and then they said that to you, and then it became your grandma’s advice. Right ?”

“…Nah. It’s an excuse I made up. Whenever I need to justify something, I just say “like my grandma said, ain’t no shame in eating an entire tub of ice cream if you want to”, and then people are just like “oh yeah, cool”, because when you say the word “grandma”, then it gives a perspective to your words ya know ?”

Jason had no idea what you were on about, but he loved it. You seemed to be very smart. And witty. And funny. The hell did that guy cheated on you for ? And why was he ashamed of going out in public with you when you weren’t dressed up ?!

You currently wore “Hello Kitty” pyjamas, had absolutely no make up on, and your hair was a mess, and he thought you looked gorgeous.

“Why are you so nice ?”

Your question takes him by surprise, and for a few seconds he doesn’t register it and just says : “ugh ?”

“To me. Why are you so nice to me ? Is it the alcohol ? Does it make you nice ? Or are you just nice to every stranger ? Every girl you destroy the windows of ? Or are you like my ex ? You seem nice, but then you go off and cheat on your girl simply because you like another girl and you’re too cowardly to break up with your current girl ?”

Jason hiccups slightly, and says :

“No, I’m not nice to any girl I met. I’m actually usually kind of a jerk, too “brutally honest”. But you…I don’t know. You give me good feelings. Oh and here’s to add on his flaws list. “Coward”. Can’t even break up with a girl, has to wait to get caught red-handed and break her heart. Cooooward. Bad flaw. Kind of guy who runs in the face of danger, instead of standing by you.”

It’s probably the fact that he said “you give me good feelings” that spurs this in you. That gives you a new clearer perspective on things.

“My heart wasn’t broken.”

It’s a shock, to you. This realization. This sudden feeling jumping in your face. You…are not heartbroken. You’re mad. You’re frustrated. You feel betrayed. You feel a crazy burning anger towards your ex for toying around with you like that. For not having the balls to just break up, after spending two years together.

He was suppose to know you. To be your friend. Things could have turned out better. He could have just come up to you, say the truth, and…You were pretty sure you’d still be friend. Because he really was a great guy.

He really was all the good thing you though about him. He made a mistake, an unforgivable one in your book. But he was a great guy.

He was just…not your great guy. Not anymore at least.

And you realized, there, quite drunk, that…It was ok.

Your heart wasn’t broken.

Your pride was. Your trust was. But your heart ? …Maybe you weren’t completely in love with him. You were best friends, yes, but love ? Maybe it wasn’t love…

Your heart wasn’t broken.

“My heart isn’t broken.”

You tell Red hood, looking at him right in his wonderful ocean blue eyes. And he looks right back at you, and just nods. Just like that. And then he pours you one last tequila shot.

Because like your grandma would say : “When you make great discovery about yourself…Salt, tequila, lemon”.

************

It took you only a few hours with him to realize that you weren’t in love with your ex, and that was kinda scary. Because this realization didn’t come from nowhere.

Nope.

But when he said that your ex broke your heart, you felt obligated to tell him that no. No your heart wasn’t broken. You were sad and angry, yes, but not heartbroken. For you, in that moment, it was important for this total stranger to know you weren’t actually in love.

Hell, you didn’t even know yourself you weren’t that in love before you talked to him. It just came as a sudden, yet utterly true revelation.

Because, and this wasn’t the alcohol speaking…You felt incredibly attracted to that guy. To Red Hood. Not just because of the white streak in his hair, and the eyes, and smile, and voice, and abs, and thick thighs. That too, sure, but not only…Nope.

Nope. Not because of this.

But because he had a tough day (he said so himself, explaining to you how he went through the window…he was fighting a super-villain when he got flung through your window, tough tough time ahem), and yet he sat with a crazy lady that peppered salt on his hand and practically forced him to take a tequila shot…

Because you could see in his eyes, and felt in your guts that he didn’t have an easy life…and yet he took a break from whatever he was doing to just sit with you and listen to you. He didn’t even make sense, that you trusted those feelings so fiercely. And yet, you did. Because he listened to you.

He saw you were struggling and he stayed. And though you felt you couldn’t trust anyone at that time…You oddly felt like he was ok.

Like he wouldn’t be the kind of guy to cheat, or run in the face of danger, leaving you all alone to fight off demons.

In a few short hours, you fell for this guy more than you ever fell for your ex.

What did that say about you uh ? …That was pretty pathetic…

************

Jason didn’t think that you were pathetic at all.

On the contrary. If he went to seat with you, and drink with you, is because he was instantly mesmerized by you.

And though he didn’t know at first why, now he was sure of it.

It’s because you didn’t freak out. And something told him it wasn’t only because you were a bit drunk (he fell in drunk people’s home before…none reacted like you).

Nope. It was because you were special. He just knew it. Special in every way. Funny. Beautiful. Genuinely listening to him when he was speaking.

He peppered his own problems within your story, as you told him. And you listened. Hell, even referenced a few things he said early on, way later, while you were crazy drunk. You listened.

You gave a total stranger that seemed to have a tough day some salt. And tequila. And lemons.

And then you cared. You asked him a thousand times if he was ok, and he basically had to take off his armor to prove it so (to your eyes’ greatest pleasure…mm mm mm those muscles).

Captivated. He was captivated by you. It was strange, and though he knew it was because you were special, he still was unclear as to why his feelings were that strong.

For someone he just met. And barely knew. And only knew while drunk.

You were just…Special.

************

It was surreal. The all thing.

What started as a night where you planned on wallowing your pain and drinking…ended up changing your life.

And no one could convince you that it wasn’t Fate. Because what were the odds that Red Hood would fall through YOUR window after tripping (yeah you didn’t buy that “fighting super-villains thing” at all) ?

What were the odds of his timing being so perfect, arriving just before you started to cry ? Because there was no doubt in your mind that if he had come a few seconds later, he wouldn’t have stayed.

He would have found a crying mess, and maybe he would have tried to confort you but…You wouldn’t have answered. In your “sad phase”, you only cry and whine. He would have eventually left. And the wonderful talk you’d just have, would never have happened.

But instead. He came right before your lips touch that fatal shot of tequila that would have brought you into the “sad phase”. And took your drunkness down a notch. Rerouted your evening.

You weren’t wallowing anymore, you were ranting.

Sharing your anger and frustration.

And he helped you realize that your ex wasn’t that perfect…That maybe it was just not meant to be…After all, he cheated on you.

Uh. What a shame. You didn’t even know his name…”Red Hood”…

You wished you knew his name.

************

The morning lights were rising, and the bottle of tequila was long gone.

There were still salt and lemons though. For some reason, you decided to buy the entire grocery store’s stock of lemons.

Red Hood stood up, and said he had to go.

He was nice about it. Said it was a pleasure to have spend the night with you. You both laughed about the innuendos that ensued.

You were exactly on the same page. And he understood all your joke referencing to pop culture…

But it was time for him to go. And he apparently had no intention of telling you his real name. He didn’t hint either at ever coming back to see you again.

And there was that. Just a nice night, spend talking to a genuine friend that you’ll never see again.

A genuine friend that you didn’t even know a few hours before.

Maybe it was the alcohol speaking. Maybe not.

And even if you ended up never seeing him again, this evening truly changed your life…At least, it saved you from a heartbreak. Made you realize it wasn’t that.

Though, now, as he climbs out of the window again (he couldn’t possibly use the front door), you feel like the actual heartbreak is starting.

Grandma’s remedy against heartbreak ? Right.

Salt, tequila, lemon…

But the tequila is all gone.

“I’ll send someone to fix that window…Sorry again about that. …Bye.” are his last words, and then he’s out.

And the tequila is all gone.

************

…

Days pass by in a blur.

Salt. Tequila. Lemon.

Ugh. But you don’t want to this time. You don’t want to get drunk to forget.

You don’t want to forget him. And you know it’s ridiculous to get that worked up over a guy you met one night and that will never come back. That you didn’t even know the name of.

This entire night was weird anyway.

Getting drunk with a dangerous night vigilante. Pouring your heart out to him, and him doing the same. The hell were you even thinking ?

Salt. Tequila. Lemon.

That would be a good idea to do this right now, because man…your heart hurt. More than when you discovered your ex sleeping with Nicole. From accounting. But you can’t resolve yourself to drink. To forget. Nope. Instead you…

*Knock knock knock*.

Uh ? You take a quick look at your clock in the kitchen.10 pm. Who the hell is coming at 10 pm ?! It can only be bad news. Especially in Gotham…You peep into the eyehole and…

WHAT ?!

You open your door quickly, and…

“Told you I’d send someone to fix your window.”

It’s him. It’s Red hood. But in…civilian clothes.

His ass doesn’t look flat in jeans.

He’s holding a window wrapped in cardboard, and there’s a toolbox at his feet.

“Yeah, you did…come in.”

************

Jason Todd.

That’s his name. And connections are fast to be made in your brain. Jason Todd. Bruce Wayne’s adopted son. That supposedly died…ten years ago.

And is Red Hood now. Oh. It makes sense. Even his little “killing criminals” thing while Batman never killed. You easily put two and two together.

Red Hood. Jason Todd. Bruce Wayne.

Wow. Can’t believe you never guessed that before. Of course Bruce Wayne is Batman. He’s got the motive, the means, the excuses…It’s so obvious. And yet, you never realized. And no one else in Gotham ever realized.

Jason Todd.

Now you know his name.

And he’s fixing your window. Nobody ever fixed windows for you before (even those who broke it).

Um. To add to the “perfect man” list : “Handy”.

Jason Todd.

He quickly works the window up, and then he turns to you. While he was working you talked, as if you knew each other for years. Joking around. Like old friends. Like old extremely good and close friends.

It fits. It clicks. It’s natural. You and him, him and you.

Barely knowing each others, and yet knowing each others the best.

Jason. Todd.

He turns to you now, and with a smirk, he says :

“Ya know, my grandma always say that when something good happens to you, you need to celebrate. And I feel like this, right now, you and I, though I have no idea what we’re doing and where it’s going…Well it’s still something to celebrate. And she always says, my grandma, that to celebrate perfectly you need…”

You smile.

Yeah. You don’t know where this thing between you two is going, but you do know that you never met someone who so fully understood you.

And in such a short span of time. And you know you’re not mistaking. It’s a feeling too strong to be a mistake.

He came back to fix your window for god’s sake. And trusted you enough to tell you his actual name. Without a second thought. Which meant everything. Especially since from all the hint he let slip through last time you saw each others, about his father, well…let’s just say telling people his real name wasn’t really something he was used to.

But it just works. It fits. It clicks. It’s not like with your ex, because you don’t think you know it does. It just does. The fact that you say those next few words in perfect sync finishes to convince you :

(“…And she always says, my grandma, that to celebrate perfectly you need…”)

“Salt, tequila, and lemons.”

______________________________________________

I’m so mad the Tumblr app crashed and I deleted the original post...Y’all were great and reblogged the hell out of it ! Which is why it got so many notes in such a short span of times. And feedbacks. I haven’t had that many feedbacks on a story in a long time. So just one last time and I won’t bother you with that again : Please, if you enjoyed this story, don’t hesitate to reblog it and share it with others. People who don’t follow me can’t really find my stories anymore so...you’re a big help by spreading them. It’s always very encouraging.

And if you got the time, feedbacks are always hella appreciated and always make my day a little brighter <3.

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kyouxa · 5 years

Text

Amnesia Later: Translation (Part 01)

This is basically just for myself and my friend @saitoswife, but maybe someone else needs it too since I couldnt find any translations. If you know someone, please write me. (Last update: 25.07.2019)

Monologue

This is the story of a certain girl from a certain country in a certain world.

August 1st.

When the girl woke up, all of her memories were lost.

Nearby was a strange boy, Orion, who called himself a spirit.

The spirit Orion said, it was his fault she had lost her memories.

While taking advice from Orion, who declared he'd support her in regaining her memories, the girl started going through her personal belongings…

After awhile, the relationships of the girl started to become clearer.

And thus, the complexly intertwined motives behind the true reason she had lost her memories began to appear.

Orion had realized it, “I see, so the reason she lost her memories wasn’t because of our collision!”

A human from the organization appeared before the girl struggling to comprehend everything.

The outstretched hand of a demon.

Will her memories ever return completely?

What‘s the reason behind her memory loss?

Is Orion able to protect and save her?

What‘s the destiny holding for Orion and this girl-!?

…

August 10th

Place: Apartment — Your room

Orion: Wouldn’t it be nice if it was that sort of story!

Hey, good morning (y/n). Are you awake?

Hm? Are you still sleepy?

That’s probably because you stayed up late last night for our strategy meeting, huh~

But saying 'Who are you?’ right after you woke up was a pretty severe case of being half-asleep, don’t you think?

You looked out of it so I tried to summarize your current situation simply.

What I just showed you was an outline from August 1st up to today. I’m the sprit Orion. You remember that, right?

What’s with that face?

Some of that wasn’t true? Huh, really? I think everything was pretty accurate.

…

Yes, it was a lie. I‘m sorry.

All the stuff about the hand of a demon and any organization or there being a ’real truth’ behind your amnesia — it was a lie.

It was just an accident.

It was my fault.

Your memories disappeared out of your head because I bumped into your soul.

What I just said, was secretly my wish.

Ahh, it’d be nice if there really was a different reason behind it.

I’d fight to protect you if there was anything from your background that causes trouble.

I’ll guide you with my wisdom, bravery and save you from anything evil!

I can’t touch human things. I can’t be seen by anyone other than you and I can’t talk to anyone either, but…

Ah, a pursuer-! Orion, save me!

…Just kidding.

Well, in actuality, all I can do is investigate around you.

Hah… reality is cruel.

Choices

1) — I’m counting on you. 2) — It’d be nice if you could speak with people, too.

— I’m counting on you

Orion: Ahhh, thanks!

I may not have been much help up until now, but I’m really, really gonna give it my best!

— It’d be nice if you could speak with people, too

Right!

If that was the case, I could gather information for you and go to risky places.

And I could possess those guys who are after you!

end Choices

Orion: Well, I’ve gotta try to do something other than just lamenting about.

What I can do now is support you so you can live safely.

Hey, look at this, it’s the person correlation chart we made yesterday.

After you went to sleep last night I was looking at this by myself and did some thinking.

Yesterday we just took in the situation and got a rough idea of what your relationships are.

Orion: Your parents are somewhere far away and thus absent. You’re living alone, and you don’t have a boyfriend.

You’re especially close with your two childhood friends and your four colleagues from work.

You’re not in the midst of dealing with being injured from an incident. You’re not being bullied by a group of malicious girls.

It doesn’t look like you’ve got a guy with a tragic fate keeping an eye on your life either.

I’ve got a suggestion. How about you pick someone reliable and tell them about your amnesia?

I think that would be the best shortcut to regaining your memories and living a peaceful, normal life.

Anyway, you got work today. I hope you can meet the people you’re close with well enough.

Try to think about who is the most dependable while you’re talking with everyone.

And then you can explain your situation to whoever you think 'That’s the one!’

Ah, but we don’t know if there’s anything going on so we’ll carefully look at the whole state of affairs.

How about it? Do you think it’s risky? Well, take your time thinking it over while you’re working.

All right, change your clothes and let’s gooo!

???: ...Hm?

???: Anyway, I’m sure you went back to sleep after you woke up. You need to fix that. It’s annoying when you’re late to appointments and the like.

Orion: Gee, thanks for the harsh words first thing in the morning.

I’m sure you know, but I’ll explain just in case. This is Shin. He’s your childhood friend.

He’s blunt but he really does worry after you a lot. …Even if he is strict.

I think he’s a trustworthy companion in his own way, so it’d probably be fine if you confided in him.

Shin: What are you staring into space for? You’re worse than usual, not even answering me. Are you still half asleep?

Orion: We’re not really half asleep! We slept very well~

Shin: I wonder why you’ve been acting airheaded around my neighborhood a lot.

You’re such a handful. …You always need to be looked after.

Orion: Hm? That’s a troubling way of saying it.

Is something wrong? Or is he just grumbling about you?

Choices

1) — I’m sorry for acting stupid

2) — What’s wrong?

— I’m sorry for acting stupid

Shin: Why are you apologizing all of a sudden? I don’t get it.

Orion: Huh!? Wasn’t your tone criticizing her just now! No?

Shin: I wasn’t really complaining so you don’t have to apologize.

You’ve always been a handful so don’t worry about it.

Orion: Not a good follow-up to that follow-up hmm…

Shin: Anyway, go already. You won’t make it in time if you don’t.

Orion: Oh, right.

— What’s wrong?

Shin: As soon as I woke up this morning my mom said she was panicking because she forgot to buy rice and bread.

Rice is heavy so she said she thought she’d ask me and then she said the store she usually gets bread from is closed today.

And she said it’s embarrassing to do first thing in the morning so I had to go buy bread.

But of course the convenience store is no good, so she directed me to a place on this street. She said she has points saved up.

Why would you burden others with your own mistakes? I’m going to go where she said anyway.

Orion: Hmm… What do you think?

Even though he’s making that disapproving face, he listened to all that so he’s probably nice, right?

Shin: Why are you and my mom such airheads? Isn’t that inconvenient for yourself?

Orion: … He says too much.

Shin: This isn’t the time for you to just stand around talking. You should go already. You don’t have much time, right?

Orion: Ah, that’s right.”

end Choices

Shin: Later. Take your job seriously.

Orion: Yeah, that too, but we’ve got to work hard at gathering information!”

Place: Maid‘s Sheep — Entrance

Hah, we barely made it, just like Shin said. You were a bit sloppy changing into your uniform.

???: Good morning, (y/n).

We’ve met up at the shop a lot recently. It’s already been what, 6 days in a row? You’re really giving it your all.

I think your fatigue is piling up, though. Look.

Your headdress is crooked, but it seems like you didn’t even notice. Mind if I fix it?

Orion: Hey now! Don’t try to get close to her all smooth like first thing in the morning!

This perv is your superior here at work and a college senior, Ikki.

This guy is so incredibly popular with girls that he even has a fan club. It’s so bad it seems like a joke.

Anyway, he’s closing in on you fast so react-!

Choices

1) — I’ll fix it myself

2) — Please fix it for me

— I’ll fix it myself

Ikki: You don’t want me to touch your hair? I wouldn’t try and do something else to you under the cover of that, you know?

Orion: That remark itself is dangerous!

— Please fix it for me

Orion: Heeeey!?

Ikki: …How unexpected. I thought you’d get embarrassed and run away. Is this because you aren’t really aware of me?

Hmm… That’s too bad if so. Oh well.

You have such beautiful hair, I’ve always wanted to touch it…

end Choices

???: That’s enough, Ikkyu.

Orion: That voice is-!

???: Dont get any closer to her than that. The manager wont permit sexual harrassment in the sanctity of the workplace and neither will I.

Ikki: And out comes the Statistics Wonder, mad Kent!

Orion: That’s not right!

This is Kent. He’s your superior at work and a graduate student at Seichi University.

Ikki called him the 'statistics wonder’, but he actually does have that impression. This guy seems like a personification of numerals and theories.

Kent: I won’t allow you to act so shamelessly under my watch, Ikkyu!

Ikki: Hmm? And what right do you have to get in my way?

Kent: I do have that right. The reason being that I was the winner of the 500th mathematics puzzle held the other day

The defeated must obey the winner. That has been proven as a standard throughout history. Therefore, I have the right to interrupt you.

Ikki: Huh… No way, were the results so awful that you’d go that far to declare victory?

Kent: You scored 68 points. Though I feel I may have overly raised the difficulty to commemorate our 500th time.

Let’s make the next one simpler. It’s inevitable that I gave out an unsolvable puzzle for you.

Ikki: Stop that. I’ll wither away if you go easy on me. You really need to come at me seriously.

Kent: Oh, so you say. Well then, for the 501st, I will craft the highest difficulty puzzle as of yet.

Ikki: Likewise, I’m going to ambush you with my full force. I won’t just go along with getting destroyed.

Orion: …500 puzzles produced and returned between these two. They never give up.

As you can see, Ikki and Kent are really good friends.

Both of them aren’t quite normal in some ways, but I don’t think that they’re not trustworthy.

There’s a trick to discussing it with these two. If you did, it might be better to speak with them as a set instead of just one…

Ikki: By the way, (y/n) , what are you going to do about your headdress?

Ikki: Shall I fix it? Or would you like Kent to fix it for you?

Orion: We’re back to talking about that!? Wait, those are your two options!?

Choices

1) — Ikki should do it

2) — Kent should do it

— Ikki should do it

Ikki: Understood. All right, come here.

Is this the first time I’ve gotten to gaze at you from point blank range?

I’d be happy if you became my captive after this but… How is it? Still not effective?

Orion: HEY- he’s just fixing your headdress, right!?

Kent: You have poor taste, (y/n).

Why would you willingly throw yourself into the tiger’s den?

— Kent should do it

Kent: …What? You want me to fix a girl’s hair ornament? That’s impossible for me. I refuse.

Orion: He would say that…

Ikki: She went to the trouble of naming you personally, so why don’t you just do it? She picked you over me.

Orion: This one’s pouting!

Kent: Generally, touching the hair of a person of the opposite gender can come off as an act of sexual harassment. You’re not agreeable to having me touch you, are you not?

Ikki: Of course she agrees, she asked you to do it, right? Or is it you that doesn’t want to, Ken?

Kent: N-no… That’s not it, I just...

end Choices

???: Looking riled up today.

Ikki: Good morning, Waka.

Kent: Good morning.

Waka: Good morning. Is this everyone for today? Its great to have everyone present on time.

…Hm? Your headdress is slightly off, (y/n).

You should go fix it at the mirror inside the office so we can continue this conversation.

Orion: Well then, let’s go, (y/n)!

Orion; And~? Did we fix it? ...Yes we did. Ok, let’s go!

The person you just saw, is the manager of this shop.

Everyone, just calls him store manager or they call him by his real name. He’s basically a good person too but...

... what’s his reason for caring a bamboo sword in the first place?

Waka: Hurry up everyone. We can continue chatting later.

I’ll be in the kitchen. Is it okay if you two are the waitresses today, Ikki, (y/n) ?

Ikki: No problem. I think it’s fair if the two of us are working here.

Waka: Also, Kent. I need you in the kitchen. It seems that you’ve came in early and prepared everything already.

Kent: That’s right, store manager. But, I think we got a problem here.

Waka: What is it?

Kent: A large amount of dried basil has arrived instead of fresh basil which was ordered from you.

Fresh basil is out of our kitchen ingredients since yesterday. Which means, today's pasta genovese can’t be made.

Waka: What... ! Dried basil instead of raw basil... !?

Kent: A similar scenario happened last Monday, but you should’ve been apologizing for your mistake last time already.

It doesn't matter where you’re in charge, but it's painful that you made the same mistake twice in a row.

If you go to buy fresh basil from now, I want you to at least open it 5 minutes after buying. Therefore I’d like to ask for judgment on this matter.

Waka: ...

...Ngh...

Ikki: ...Manager?

Waka: I really did... the same mistake as two weeks ago ...!

I can’t... I can’t accept that!

Im an unforgivable blunder as a manager of this store ... take this bamboo sword and cut off my bully, as an apology for my behavior!

Orion: He what!?

Ikki: Hold on, manager! I can’t cut off your stomach with a bamboo sword, I’d be in trouble if I did that.

Kent: Good grief. Sometimes you can’t believe that you’re our manager. But, why aren’t you just apologizing for your mistake?

Waka: Because, there is a shame rankings between the mistakes of the employees or the manager!

I’m the owner of this store, this is unforgivable... !

Ikki: But, that’s why this store is popular in Japan. Because we’re a different store. We’re neither a boring coffee store nor a normal maid cafe.

So please stop the habit of trying to cut off your stomach already, oh my.

Kent: Anyway, I’d like to replace today's pasta with another one. It’s reasonable to use less peperoncino in this one.

I could finish the preparation without hesitation. It’s not a big deal. How does that sound, manager?

Waka: ... I can’t fight anymore. I’m trying to be greatly obliged.

Ikki: Since that problem is solved ... Let's open the store for our customers.

Orion: Okay, 6th table got its order!

Ahh, It's hard when they ask for "Today's pot". The clay pot is hot and pretty heavy.

Ikki said he’ll carry them if he has an open hand, but he can’t help us every time.

... but at a coffee shop, why are you offering "today’s pot” anyway? Isn’t this a cafe?

*someone enters*

Orion: Oh, another customer entered! Welcome back ma... huh

??? : Good afternoon. How are you doing?

??? : Heyy! So you and Ikki were in charge of the waitressing today.

??? : Good afternoon, Senpai. I’d like to have a seat at the window.

Orion: Huh. That’s, That’s a more unusual combination ...

I think you remember but it's just a supplement. This...

??? : What’s wrong? You’re so quiet. Are you getting any hypotensions again?

Because you live alone, it probably makes a rough life. I always regret I catch a cold in my apartment.

Orion: This guy is called Toma. He‘s a pretty nice guy who always takes care of you.

Toma is one of your childhood friends. It seems like Shin, you and Toma grew up like brother and sister.

So. Here...

??? : Is this your real experience Toma?

I often say that the first barrier of living alone is that youre going to bed with any illness.

Orion: This girl is Sawa. She’s the same age as you, she’s like a friend to go out with on any holidays.

My memories are a little messy but I think she‘s a good girl.

??? : Eh, but Toma's family lives so close to his apartment.

If it’s cold, I‘d pick up my stuff and go home.

Orion: This girl is called Mine. You‘re in the third grade of high school and she’s one under you, but I think I can say that she’s an honest person.

All three of them are also working in this shop here. So basically everyone in this shop is somehow connected.

So, conversely, it's difficult to choose one person to trust with your secret ...

Toma: It‘s impossible to catch a cold and then just go home. My parents would never allow me such things, sadly.

It’s a self-responsibility, including colds, because I need to prove that I can live alone so that I’m independently.

Sawa: Ahh~ ... That‘s really tough.

Mine: Well then, your parents don‘t interfere with your actions at all?

Toma: Exactly. Unless I have to do lot a lot of thing, they‘d leave me alone...

Well, let’s not interrupt the business anymore. Shall we order something?

Mine: Yes, but i‘ll pick the place to sit ~

Sawa: This is going to be a long story, so let's go go!

Mine: Lets just sit down already~....

Orion: A long story? ...They came here to talk about that?

Ikki: Thank you.

Orion: Ikki. Seems like he needs to serve the customers over there.

Ikki: Somehow, this is a really weird combination. It’s not usually that Toma comes here with two girls together.

Have you finished ordering? Not yet? Well then, I'd like to continue with those three people which just arrived.

Female customer: I‘m sorry, we‘d like to order something.

Ikki: ...Oh, my... Theres another customer who wants to order something.

I'm sorry, I’ll greet them immediately. Welcome back, madame. Could you just wait a second, young lady?

Orion: Well then, let's go taking the orders. I also care about the content of this long story.

Sawa: After all I think that's on a riverside.

Mine: Is there no pond or pear? It would be helpful.

Sawa: I think its just a basic river.

Mine: You were the one who went there last year right? Because, I don‘t know about it I never went there.

Sawa: That was... because uhm... I probably forgot.

Toma: It was a promenade. But, because it has been renounced since then, you might really forgot.

Sawa: Eh, is that so?

Toma: It seems that they thoroughly cleaned the inside and the way around the river when the sand was itchy after heavy rain.

I have no idea what I can expect this year, because the environment has changed.

Mine: Then how about that. Why aren’t we visiting the mountains for once?

Sawa: I love this idea! The lodge! Camping! Barbecue! Wait a minute, curry would be hard to throw away.

Mine: Seems like Sawa senpai‘s purpose changed already.

Sawa: You can enjoy it in any way. I‘m sure everyone would enjoy it.

Mine: Ahh~... but I think Shin doesn’t like this sort of thing. He’d probably not enjoy a barbecue in the mountains.

Toma: I think it looks like individualism, I think he’d get along.

He doesn‘t actively participate in conversations, but he likes being around a group of friends for sure.

But the mountains are pretty dangerous. We wouldn’t be able to return home quickly.

Mine: Eh~ what’s wrong with that?

Toma: You are a high school student and not a normal student. See you next year.

Mine: ...Toma is as rude as always.

Toma: I’m not rude or anything, I’m just telling you the facts.

I am not the kind person to begin with anyway.

Sawa: Uahh, to say such thing about yourself. ... well this time we should just keep talking about this day trip.

Orion: Are they, planing on traveling somewhere? I wonder if they‘re planning to go out, somewhere on a day trip maybe ....

Toma: Okay, sorry but, (y/n), we’d like to order something.

I’d like to have the Blend... no wait I want the Cafe-AU. What do you two want?

Mine: I’d take a cinnamon roll and milk tea.

Sawa: Kent is in the kitchen today, right? If that’s so, I want a green tea with latte.

Mine: Why are you asking for him?

Sawa: Because Kent‘s tea is the best. Shin and the manager praise his cooking skills so well.

Toma: Oh, you‘re talking about the mix ratio of matcha and milk which is made in perfect temperature because of his form theory?

Orion: Form theory...?

Mine: ... I see. Hey, senpai. Where would you want to go as a senior?

Orion: ... Eh? Why is she asking us about that?

Sawa: Ah, that’s right. Because you got the leading role, you can choose it for yourself.

Orion: Leading role!? (Y/n), you also planned on participating!? And then the leading role... for real!?

I didn’t know about that! W-What should we do...!?

Choices

1) — Anywhere is fine

2) — Toma should decide

— anywhere is fine

Mine: Anywhere she says...

Toma: Well, we might have troubled (y/n) for just asking her out of the blue.

— let Toma decide

Mine: Eh ~ why is that? I guess you really trust and care about Toma.

Sawa: But, if that’s her decision? She says they used to be like brother and sister since ancient times.

Toma: So you really want me, to decide where we‘re supposed to go... is that really okay for everyone?

Orion: If he’d do that, it will be helpful... right? (Y/n)

Toma: Well, why don’t we check it in the web? If I acted by my own presence, I might get in trouble.

It would be a pity if I‘d just take a place and everyone would be disappointed.

Mine: Wow, Toma-san‘s pretty sweet. Even though we didn’t even decide where to go, we just asked "Where would you prefer to go?".

Toma: Thanks to Shin, I am deeply absorbed by (y/n) and I even had some privat business about it.

But since I was asked for my opinion, your big brother will do his best.

— end Choices

Toma: If you're didnt plan on looking around in this area, why not going out, that would be fine, right?

Did everyone save money for the upcoming trip? Because it would cost a few thousand yen to sleep in a mountain hotel.

Sawa: We'll be okay! ... I guess

Mine: That's fine. I’ll do my best to save money until then.

Toma: (Y/n) also seems to be okay with my decision. I told the manager last month that we‘d put in extra bytes.

Orion: Eh, is that so!? I thought there were just a lot of shifts, but seems like that's the reason behind it!?

I'm honestly fine with going out, but there seems to be some purpose, I wonder what it is... ?

Place: Apartment — Your room

Orion: I’m so tired, but you did good work today!

I also did my best today! That's why, we should rest for today because we had a hard day.

For some reason, we had a full member meeting in the shop today.

I think, you could trust everyone of them.

Im sure everyone would help you if they knew about your memory loss. They’re all very good people.

...However, you should only choose one person to tell them your secret...

But, let's go for a quick morning meeting tomorrow or something. You can’t remember them because you have no memory. So this might be troublesome...

Ah, but it was good to see why you were in a lot of shifts.

You can try to chat with the members like this way more, maybe you also could visit some places together with them?

Well, Ikki and Kent weren't included in todays member meeting, maybe they won't join us at all?

Because, Toma was the one saying he had the "Supervision" about himself?

If you asked me, many of the seniors in the group do have the supervison.

If they won't join, there really won't be any men who are older than Toma.

Ikki or Kent, let's not say the store manager. Maybe you should tell them about your secret?

Well, even if I shouldn't think so deeply about it, I think that Ikki and Toma would actually be the best people to tell.

I'm also surprised because they are a more unusual combination. I wouldn't be surprised if you were actually going out with one of them.

Hmm... ... but where should we go and what should we do ...

.......

... I should stop overthinking. Let‘s just rest for this evening.

It's still early so why aren’t you going for a bath or dinner, i‘ll watch TV while you do whatever you want.

If you see the weather forecast, the weather seems to be clear, let's buy a futon before going to your part-time job tomorrow.

Even tho your bed really is fluffy... huh? What’s coming up in the news now?

Caster: So, this year's anomaly is that the relationship with the climate is unclear.

Female caster: That means, you can see fireflies in a wide range, not just in some areas like last year.

Caster: I agree. It looks like the summer tradition can be enjoyed all over the country this year.

Female caster: But, is there any fear that the ecosystem will be weird as a result of the abnormal occurrence?

Caster: The animals that occurred this year have been confirmed to have very weak fertility, so there is no particular impact.

Female Caster: That also seems pretty strange. I wonder if that mystery will be ever solved?

Caster: Then, please look at the earlier cast again.

We showed an image of the firefly taken around Shinano Station last year.

(Y/n): ......

...last...

...year...

Orion: Eh... Heh!?

— Last year...

— I promised, to see them with someone...

Orion: Agh... huh, ngh... !

Oh, I'm sorry! I suddenly felt unstable, like you were falling from somewhere!

But, yes. One of your memories returned. What do you think does it mean?

Someone told you to look forward to it next year, but was it really something about the fireflies?

Because they were talking about it on the TV right now? Isn't that what you remember when you saw it?

So you promised to see the fireflies with someone.

But, who was it... ?

…Ah! Hey, could it be that you promised it to Toma on this other party?

Because I heard him talking about, "The pond", "The River", "Mountains" and so on, it would be an environment for the fireflies, right?

OK, then let's check out if our guess is right tomorrow!

If you see the fireflies with the person you promised it, your memory may come back more vigorously!

Let's focus on asking Toma for now! Yes!

#otome game #otome #otome cgs #english otome #translation #amnesia #amnesia later #amnesia later translation #amnesia ikki #amnesia shin #amnesia kent #amnesia ukyo #amnesia toma #amnesia psvita #psvita #psvita translation

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puckinghell · 5 years

Text

Liquid Courage | Tyler Seguin

Requested: Ask and you shall receive :-) Words: 2570 Note: This is kinda a part two to A Drunk Tongue, but could be read as a stand alone.

You stand in the middle of Tyler’s living room, which is filled to the brim with people. The music is loud, as is the sound of people chattering, and alcohol is flowing. It’s a pretty regular occurrence, that Tyler’s house looks like this.

And yet, something is wrong.

It’s not that you’re seemingly the only person who’s drinking water. That is a regular occurrence at Tyler’s parties, too. He always insists on you coming, and you do, because that’s what best friends are for, but you’re not a big party person and this time around, you can still remember the taste of tequila in your mouth from last week. Your roommate’s birthday celebration got a bit out of hand, and you ended up on Tyler’s couch, although you had no memory of how exactly you got there.

No, your feeling of doom has more to do with the host. Your eyes find Tyler, standing at his kitchen island, a glass of whiskey in hand. Someone whose name you don’t know is talking to him, but he’s barely responding, and you’re pretty sure he’s not hearing a word of what his conversation partner is saying.

Sometimes you worry about him. You know he throws parties often because the house is awfully big for one person; it’s the same reason that he invites you over for dinner multiple times a week - although your cooking ability, and his lack thereof, might have something to do with that as well - but he’s never looked so alone during one.

It’s something about the hard set of his jaw, the dark circles around his eyes, the way his fingers are clenching the glass of liquor a bit too tight. You’re not able to put your finger on it exactly, not able to pinpoint it to a specific feature, but you feel it with every fiber of your being.

Something is bothering your best friend, and he’s dealing with it on his own.

You put your glass of water on the side table next to you and start making your way over to him. You almost trip over Cash, who looks at you with tired eyes. The house might be too big for just Tyler and his dogs, but his dogs certainly think it’s too small for parties of this size.

“Hey,” you mutter, resting your hand on his back as you maneuver your way to his side. He looks at you, recognizes you, and his face lights up.

“Y/N!” he says, and the slur in his voice tells you he’s more drunk than you thought he was. Tyler handles his liquor a lot better than you, and you usually don’t really notice when he’s been drinking. Sometimes he gets a bit more giggly or a bit louder, but he never slurs his words and he’s always steady on his feet.

Not this time.

“You alright?” you hum. His change in demeanor is surprising you, the crinkles of laughter around his eyes amusing.

“Now I am,” he slurs, and he wraps his arm around your shoulders. “I lost you.” He’s pouting, and it’s cute, but you refuse to think about that right now. You have to remember that you’re a woman on a mission, and your irrationally large crush on your best friend has to wait until you’ve solved the mystery.

“You looked a bit lonely there,” you needle, and he frowns.

“Well, I couldn’t find you.” He says it as if it explains everything, and you curse your fluttering heart.

“I can’t hang around you all night,” you tease. “None of the pretty girls that are here would dare to approach you if I just clung to your side.”

His face falls and you don’t know why, don’t realize what you said wrong. Surely he was aware of all the pretty girls that are currently walking around his house.

“You’d tell me, if there was something going on with you, right?” you push, and his face softens. Then, he leans forward and presses a kiss to your forehead.

“Sure, baby.” It’s not a pet name he uses for you often, and you feel your cheeks flush red. His arm falls away from your shoulder as one of his teammates approaches him and you take the opportunity to slip away from him, and make your way to the bathroom.

You know he’s not telling you the truth and it bothers you more than you’d like to admit. You’re at least 90% sure he’s lonely. He has his dogs, and his teammates, and you, but his family lives far away and he’s not been in a serious relationship in years. He’s getting older too, and although he hasn’t mentioned a family of his own, you see the way he looks at his teammates’ kids, at kids in the stands even, and you know he’s ready for something more serious.

As a best friend, maybe you should be a better wing woman. Maybe you should be setting him up on blind dates with your hot and available friends. It’s just that the thought of him with someone, anyone who’s not you, makes you feel dizzy with nausea.

You use the bathroom and wash your hands. When you throw open the door of the bathroom and walk back out into the hallway, you’re met with something solid and warm, and two strong hands grab onto you and pull. Tyler stumbles back, his back hitting the wall, as he pulls you with him.

“Wow,” he breathes. “I’m a bit wobbly.”

You giggle. “You mean drunk?”

He doesn’t answer, and that’s when you notice that he’s close enough for you to feel his warm breath against your skin. You step back, his hands drop, his smile disappears.

“Ty, do you think I should be setting you up on blind dates?” You blurt it out before thinking it through, and you can tell it was too sudden an outburst from the confusion that washes over his face at your words.

“You, I, what?” he stammers. “Blind dates? God no.”

You cross your arms, your stubbornness shining through. “Why not? Don’t you want a girlfriend?”

He seems to think about this, as he leans back against the wall more comfortably. The silence is getting tense, and then he finally speaks. “I want a girlfriend. But I want something very specific.”

You hadn’t expected that. Your heart sinks; whatever he wants, you’re pretty sure you could never keep up to his standards. On one hand, you don’t want to hear him say it, but on the other hand, maybe hearing it from his mouth will finally give you an opportunity to move on.

“What is it that you’re looking for, Ty?”

He stares at you, his golden brown eyes searching your face, and then he pulls his bottom lips between his teeth and you feel like you’re going to faint. Maybe it’s the atmosphere, the noise of people in the background, the sound of music behind thick walls, maybe it’s how close he’s standing or the fact that the suit he’s wearing is tight in all the right places, but maybe it’s just that it’s Tyler and you’re pretty sure there’s never been anyone who means as much to you as he has.

“Y/N,” he says then, softly, “you know when I picked you up last week, and you were drunk out of your mind?”

It’s not a memory you’re proud of, and you feel your cheeks heat up as you nod.

“You told me that a drunk tongue never lies.”

“Okay?” You don’t get where he’s going with this, but as he reaches out to place his hand on your hip, fingertips featherlight against the fabric of your jeans, you decide not to question his drunken train of thought.

“I need you to remember that I’m drunk right now,” he mumbles, and then suddenly he’s leaning in and your heart is beating out of your chest. He stops right before his nose touches yours, and his breath is hot against your lips, and your eyes nearly flutter shut without your permission, but then you look up in his warm brown eyes and all you see in them is truth.

“Why?” you ask, whisper against his mouth, and he smiles.

“I’m looking for you.” He closes the gap, his lips soft against yours at first, hesitating, but when he realizes you’re not pulling away, his grip on your hips tightens and his tongue sweeps across your bottom lip. You let him deepen the kiss, allow your hands to travel up to his neck, your fingers curling in his hair.

He pulls away slightly, only just enough to disconnect you lips, as you struggle for air.

“Ty…”

He doesn’t let you finish your sentence, instead kisses you again, passionate from the start this time. You barely notice that he’s moving you towards his bedroom, surprisingly steady on his feet as he kicks the door shut behind him and pushes you towards his bed without breaking the kiss.

You fall back onto the covers and he follows right away, his body pressing yours into the mattress, and when he starts pressing kisses against your jaw, you come back down to earth just long enough to realize what’s happening.

Tyler’s drunk, and probably lonely, but you have no excuse. Well, none other than the fact that you’ve been in love with him for like a year, but no excuse you’d actually be willing to tell him when morning comes and he realizes he made a mistake.

“Ty…” you bring out. “Tyler, stop.”

He freezes instantly, clambers away from you so fast it’s like he’s been bitten by something. His hair is starting to curl at the back of his neck and the top buttons of his dress shirt are unbuttoned - you can’t remember you doing that, but you must’ve - and he looks so handsome that every fiber of your being is screaming at you to just do it, just go for it, deal with the consequences later.

But this is your best friend and you can’t lose him over one night. Even if that one night would most likely be the closest to heaven you’ll ever get.

“You don’t want this?” he asks, his voice tight, and you notice the hurt in his eyes. It nearly brings tears to yours.

You reach out and take his hands in yours, and you see the tension leave his shoulders. “I do,” you whisper, “but you’re drunk, and when you’re sober, you might regret this. I don’t think I can deal with that, Ty.”

He shakes his head feverishly, crawls back towards you and moves either leg on one side of you as he cups your face in his hands.

“Look at me,” he says sternly, and you do. “I want this, I want you. I’ve wanted this for a long time.”

“But…”

“Y/N,” he interrupts, and you let him, because you’re not even really sure what you were going to say. “I love you. I was sober yesterday and I loved you. I’m drunk now, and I love you, and I’ll be sober tomorrow, and I’ll still love you.”

His words are so honest, so forceful with truth, that you can literally feel your defenses crumbling.

“Let me show you,” he mumbles, and he kisses you again. You don’t stop him this time. Instead, you let him show you.

You wake to the sun on your face and for a few seconds, you’re confused about your surroundings. That’s when you notice a hump of brown dog against your legs and you realize you’re in Tyler’s room.

And that’s when the rest of the night comes back to you. You blush at the memories, remember Tyler’s skin against yours, his voice in your ear, his lips against your neck; it’s almost like he’s right there again.

Except, he’s not.

“Where is he, Marsh?” you whisper to the dog, who doesn’t even move an eyelid to acknowledge your question. You can feel dread starting to take over your stomach.

You were right. He did regret it. And he ran.

You step out of the bed then, ready to get dressed and run away from confrontation, ready to take your broken heart and lick your wounds in the peace of your own home. You find your jeans, but are somehow unable to find your shirt, so you take one of Tyler’s.

If he can stand the thought of ever facing you again, you’ll bring it back sometime.

Marshall jumps off the bed now, scratching at the bedroom door. When you open it, the Labrador darts down the stairs, where two more Labradors stand, excitedly wagging their tails. You tiptoe down the stairs and quickly pet the dogs.

It’s a mess downstairs, empty glasses scattered around the room, even one lonely shoe in front of the couch. The owner of the shoe, at least, has found his way home.

That’s when you smell burning.

Curiously, you make your way to the kitchen.

“Hey baby.” The voice is surprisingly light and Tyler looks chipper and not hungover at all - which is just unfair, considering your state last week - as he stands at the stove, wearing sweatpants that hang dangerously low on his hips and a white shirt, his curly hair a mess. He’s holding a pan, waving at the dark grey smoke that’s hovering above it with his hand.

“What did you do?” you ask warily, and he chuckles.

“Tried to cook you breakfast. Forgot I can’t cook to save my life.”

Cook you breakfast?

Your mind is working in overdrive, and that’s when he frowns.

“You look like you just saw a ghost. You okay?”

He’s acting so normal, like last night never even happened. You knew he was drunk, but surely, he wasn’t that drunk? Surely, he didn’t…forget?

“Do you remember?” It comes out as a high squeak, your voice shaky, and his eyes widen. He throws the pan in the sink as if it’s not smoking like a chimney, and stands before you within two big steps.

His eyes are blazing as he looks at you, his voice forceful as he speaks. “Of course.”

Your cheeks must be the color of actual tomatoes by now, but you can’t back down, you need to know, need to know if yesterday was the best or the worst decision of your life.

“Do you regret it?” You hold your breath as you finish your sentence.

He doesn’t respond right away. “Do you?” he asks then, tentatively.

You shake your head. You don’t. You can’t. Not even if it ruined the best friendship you ever had. Last night was everything.

And that’s when a smile breaks out onto his face, a smile so bright it could light up even the darkest of nights.

“Me neither,” he hums, and then his arms are circled around your waist. “I was right,” he states, and it’s your turn to frown.

“Right about what?”

He grins. “I told you that I’d be sober, but I’d still love you.” His forehead comes to rest against yours. “I was right. Still love you.”

You let your eyes fall shut. “You said, yesterday, that you wanted this for a long time…”

“Been waiting on you.” One of his hands travels to the hem of your shirt - his shirt, really -, slips under there, rough fingers against warm skin. “I guess I just needed a little bit of courage to tell you.”

“A bit of liquid courage?”

He laughs. “Exactly.” Then he kisses you again. When you pull away, you smile at him.

“Hey, Ty?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you too.”

#tyler seguin #tyler seguin imagine #tyler seguin one shot #dallas stars #dallas stars imagine #dallas stars one shot #hockey one shot #hockey imagine #hockey imagines #hockey one shots #nhl imagines #nhl imagine #nhl one shot #nhl one shots #nhl writing

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michaelreaderreblog · 5 years

Text

My truemate pt15

AN: Well another part to this lovely series is upon us. Its fairly long and Im sorry for such on going part. I felt it was necessary to add in a very long part. I do hope you all will enjoy this part. It took a while for me to edit this and longer than I expected to post this. I was in way over my head while writing this and editing. But please enjoy.

Catch up here >> ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT NINE TEN ELEVEN

TWELVE THIRTEEN FOURTEEN

********************************************

Word Count: 5,148

Once Michael was done with writing down the lyrics, he contemplated about calling his brother knowing that he is working and not only that but working with his mate.

He couldnt wipe the smile off from his face when he just thought of you as his mate.

He is brought out of his thoughts when he heard someone knocking at the door and they entered without him answering.

“Am I interrupting something?” Dean is the one who knocks at his door and enters into his office.

“Dean, please come in” he says and still cant wipe away the smile from his face as your brother takes the seat beside his desk.

“What brings you here? Need more supplies? I can give you for whatever discount” he says a little quickly but he cant help it with all the happiness bursting from him.

“No, I just wanted to know if you wanted to have lunch together. And whats got you all happy go lucky?” Dean says also with a smile on his face from the look on Michael.

“Sure we can have lunch together, since I brought my own from home and to answer your question. Anna and I spoke not to long ago, it appears that we have reached a mutual agreement” he says getting his lunch from the mini fridge and bring out two beers as well and handing it to Dean who takes it willingly.

“Ok, what did you two agree on?” he asks taking his sandwich out of the lunch bag you bought for him.

He didnt want to use at first because made him look like a little kid all over again.

“Well we ended things on good terms, turns out she also met her true mate and she knew that I have met mine. Now I dont need to worry about anything or the voice at the back of my mind telling me how wrong it is to end things just because I have met my true mate. I can now happily go about this with y/n” he says looking to Dean and still cant get the smile off from his face.

Dean knew how relieved Michael is knowing how much he has been feeling guilty for some what hiding this.

“She met her true mate too? And she waited to tell you this after how long?” he asks after he takes a gulp from his beer and wait for his answer.

While he takes a bite from his sandwich you have made for him the night before.

He couldnt believe how much his food tasted so good with the Swiss cheese and honey mustard.

“She said she met her true mate about two months ago. She was willing to sacrifice her happiness to be with me still. I couldnt believe it when she said that and I still cant. I mean would you do the same if yours came along but being with someone current and not wanting them to be hurt by being left alone?” he says while looking to Dean and still couldnt get that out of his mind.

“I am amazed but I would do the same. I wouldnt want the hurt and loneliness on anyone when I care so much for the person I was with. By my books she is a good person, even to the point where she would put everything on hold for someone” he says while finishing off his sandwich only wishing he could have another and to his surprise as he looks into his lunch bag there is another with a note.

“Knew you would be wanting another so I made an extra one for you. Didnt want you feeling gloomy only having one, Im not that cruel.

Love you

Y/n”

Dean smiled at the note that you left for him and couldnt be more thankful for another sandwich.

“Looks like someone is a happy camper” Michael says after noticing Dean with another sandwich.

“Yeah my sister made me an extra one and she knew I would want another. She thankfully made me one and left me a note. Gotta love her right” he says looking to Michael only realizing what he just said.

“Thats right” he says smiling never leaving his face.

“Whats your next move now that everything is official?” he asks while taking a bite from his food and only loving you even more.

“First off tell my brother all about this and take things slow considering what happened with Roman. Im sure she is still weary about the whole being close to another Alpha” he says almost sounding hurt when anger begins to reek up the place and Dean sees the expression on his face.

“Wow, dude easy. Y/n is fine and I think she is wanting to be with you for a while now. So no need to be worried about the Dick thing. All though Sam and I are still trying to get her to call the cops. We even told her we would be her witnesses and I talked with Benny he is more than willing to be a witness to” he finishes as he knows that Michael is defusing from his rage about Roman.

“I would love to be a witness when she calls the police as well. My father takes Omega rights seriously and with my brother being one and what happened all those years ago” Michael says as he gets quieter and thinks about the time when his brother Lucifer saved him.

“What do you mean? What happened to Cas?” Dean asks and that came out a little too quickly.

Michael hears him as he gives him a nick name already and gives him a weird expression. He ends up telling Dean what happened to Lucifer along with Castiel all those years ago.

He starts from the beginning, not leaving anything out from what Castiel has told him before while they were living in Portland.

He told him the day he presented Omega, how Lucifer told him to stay home so that his scent could go away. How he ended up going out anyway only to be kidnapped and taken to a warehouse outside of town waiting to be transferred to a brothel where he will be sold multiple times.

How Lucifer tracked him down by GPS on his phone, got him out of the warehouse and how he died. How Castiel felt completely guilty by blaming himself for so many years. Michael finished off by telling Dean he got his parents to agree for the move to Portland and finally coming home a year ago.

“No wonder why he asked if Sam and I were Alpha's before agreeing to work with y/n. My mate was hurt and I wasnt there to save him” he says in a hushed tone and before he could react. Dean went wide eyed as he had his face in both of his palms.

“Wait? What? You what?” Michael asks while only concentrating on what Dean has called his baby brother.

“Um yesterday when I went down to y/n's office to ask her and my brother where they wanted to go for supper because I didnt feel like cooking. I saw Cas there and immediately caught his scent which screamed at me 'mate' I couldnt believe I found mine as well” he says looking away from Michael and like he was waiting for him to punch Dean or something.

“You didnt take him did you?” is all that Michael asked as he still looks to Dean.

“What? No, I wouldnt do that, wouldnt force myself on him like that. Plus Sam and y/n were there to keep things under control which I did. Y/n waited with him until you got to the house to pick him up. While they were waiting for you, I was talking with Sam about how perfect he is for me and what his scent gave me.” he says as he tells Michael all of this

“What does his scent tell you? Better yet what does he smell like to you?” he asks leaning closer to Dean to hear him better.

“Now you sound like my brother. He smells like honey, lavender, and fresh pine after a rain fall when it gets the food it needs to grow. His scent screams at me how he is sweet when you need nurturing after a hard days of work and how he also can be my equal by being hard working himself. I have always wanted a mate who is capable of wanting to work to help provide you know. At the same time who will be a loving, kind, and extra nurturing when it comes to extending the family to having pups. I know he can provide just as much as he protects when it comes to the people he loves the most and thats what his scent screams at me when I am near him” Dean says while smiling to the thought of Cas being his equal now and forever.

“Well I must say I know what you mean when it comes to having an equal and not just to have an Omega around just because they can birth your pups. I know where you are coming from and thats how I feel about y/n. Right when I caught her scent at the diner is when I knew she is my mate” Michael says breaking the silence between the both of them.

“What does she smell like to you?” Deans turn to interrogate him about the scent you give of on him while he is near you.

“Her scent smells like freshly grind coffee, banana's and caramel. When waking up in the morning to that fresh pot of coffee after picking the coffee beans fresh. It tells me how incredibly devoted to working she is and how much she is vibrant when being incredibly influenced or inspired. It also tells me how incredibly nurturing she can be and by seeing it for myself with the lunch she made for you along with extras just proves my point how loving and selfless she is. I know its too early to be thinking this way but makes me think a lot about the pups on how she is going to be as in the love and devotion she will be giving to our future pups and to me” he adds while he finishes off his beer and looks to Dean who is warming up to him even more.

“I knew there is a reason why I had to come by and have this lunch with you. When I was driving home I got this feeling at the pit of my stomach to stop by here and Im glad I did. I could now sort of officially give you my blessing well sort of. Im not quite ready to let her go. I mean I still see her as a baby and we practically raised her when my mom got sick and my dad took care of her. But when she passed away it all went down hill from there, my dad got heavy on the drinking after her death. When my dad passed away from a mugging gone wrong thats when I really stepped up into taking care of her. She made it easy for me though, she wasnt trouble only when the Officials came for her. After a nosy neighbour got into our business after she went into her first heat and presented Omega. I fought tooth and nail for her to be kept away from those Academies and having them taking her away from me. I didnt want that for her, those Academies they find suitable Alpha's for the Omegas later and I didnt want her missing out on her true mate. Sam was away for school at the time and he was going to school at Stanford studying pre law in Omega rights.” Dean tells him everything that happened back in Sioux Falls well he might as well considering he is basically family now.

“Wow, what did your mother get sick from? I heard about those Academies on their suitors for potential mates just makes my skin crawl if that ever happened to Castiel. I am really happy you fought for her, I dont want to know how she would be like when coming out of that. After hearing about the things they make them do and the tests they make them take before being taken to the Academies on the news.” Michael says as he cringes at the thought of you or his baby brother being taken to one.

“My mom got diagnosed with breast cancer ten years ago, she fought back and got the chemo therapy. She got better for a while until the cancer came back and she got worse slowly. Until it came on really strong and deteriorated her health is when it took over completely and took her away from us. I wish she would have been here to meet our mates, god she would have loved you, Castiel and Sarah. Oh thats Sams mate who works at Stitching to Heaven” Dean tells Michael about your moms health with the breast cancer and how much she would have loved each of yours and their mates.

“Sarah Blake, yeah I know her. My mom tried setting me up with her but I never followed suit though, didnt have the right scent for me” he says while gesturing his hands towards himself, they both laugh at the motion and continue on with their conversation about anything.

Dean really had begun to approve of Michael now and how he is doing the same by approving him with Castiel.

“I guess Dean really got himself busy and probably stopped by Sams work to have lunch with him.” you say as you look how far Cas has come with making a plush toy himself.

“Wouldnt surprise me either considering how each of you are incredibly close with each other” Cas says looking away from what he was doing and looks at you where you stand behind him.

“Yeah” is all that you could say back to Cas with a smile spread on your face.

“How about we take a break ourselves and have lunch upstairs, I think I got some left over mushroom chicken along with macaroni salad from yesterdays supper in the fridge” you tell him as you are about to step out of the office and head on upstairs but something at the pit of your stomach starts to get warm and slick begins to build up from you.

“Oh no, any day but not today” as you lean against the door frame, Cas looks to you wide eyed knowing all too well what comes next.

“Your heat is coming, here let me help to your room” Cas says as he lifts you bridal style about to head up the stairs.

“No Cas the other room there, we have that for my heats and there are toys in the closet” you tell him before he steps any further up the stairs.

“I like that you have your own place to have your heats in, I know how painful it is to go through your heats alone” he says while he hesitates to finish what he was going to say.

He looks at you as you are beginning the worse of your heat and finally he gives it the last thought and kisses you.

“Cas what are you doing?” you ask as you pull away from the kiss.

“I am going to help you through your heat and I dont want to see you go through it alone by only using toys. Plus I cant get you pregnant anyways so its a win win for us” he says a little to proudly.

Your heat comes on even more forcefully now and slick begins to slip from you.

“No no no no I cant let you do that. Just get me a toy ok, its in a box in the closet” you tell him as you begin to struggle with forming sentences.

“You are being incredibly modest now. Just let me help you” he says as he takes your clothes off.

While he is making your heat any less discomforting and help you through the first wave is when you begin to feel a bit better.

“Castiel thank you, I dont know how I am going to explain this to Dean and I dont know how he is going to feel about this.” you tell him as you pant after the both of you finish together from the much needed physical touch.

“We will get to that point when we are done settling these first few waves of heat and it should settle before he comes home after work” he says as he gets himself ready again and you look at him all confused but later thinking he has read your mind and you straddle his lap this time.

After the second wave has settled is when the both of you lay side by side to give yourselves rest after the second round.

“Castiel I am really thankful for you doing this for me” you say while trying to catch your breath and if you were being honest with yourself, he was doing better than you thought he would do.

He settled the eagerness of wanting a knot swelled up inside you and even though he wasnt equipped like an Alpha but he did the trick and that amazed you in so many ways.

“You would do the same for me” is all he says with a smile on his face as he spoons you from behind to rest before the third wave comes along.

“I better call my mom and let her know what is going on and to let her know that I will be with you for the remaining of your heat” he says as he gets up from the bed and reaches for him phone in his pocket.

“How do you think she is going to react when you’re telling her you’re having sex with me just to settle my heat” you say while rolling over to face him.

“Thats exactly what Im going to tell her” he says to you.

“Mom, something has come up and I wont be able to make it home for the remainder of the week” he says as you know his mom has picked up the phone.

“Well y/n got her heat and I am helping through it. I didnt want her to go through it with only using toys knowing very much how that doesnt help settle the waves” he says looking to the ceiling.

“Yeah I will, no the third wave should be coming on soon” he answers his mom and you can already feel the third wave coming and its coming on really strong.

You get him ready yourself, as he sees what your doing and his head falls back to the pillow trying very hard not to make a sound over the phone with his mom.

“Mom, I got to go now. I will speak to you later” he hangs up as soon as you line him up against you and push all the way down.

He lifts himself from the pillow as you straddle his lap again and wraps both of his arms around to lift you up and then down again to hit that desired spot repeatedly. He lifts you off from himself as you begin to whimper at the sudden emptiness.

“Dont worry, get on your hands and knees” he says against your ear and that lust of spark goes right through you.

He lines himself up and within one swift move he is buried deep inside you.

When the third wave of heat begins to settle is when you begin to feel dehydrated, he sees this and immediately is about the run for the door.

“Castiel there is bottled water in the corner there, you dont need to run up the stairs but we do need to eat though” you tell him as he sees the stacked bottled water in the corner of the room.

“Your brothers really do love you to have all this ready for you” he says while still trying to catch his breath.

You see him go get the water for you and he just looks fucked out which a giggle escapes your mouth.

“What are you giggling about?” he asks as a smile appears on his face when coming to seat himself beside you as you lay there all fucked out yourself.

“You just look completely fucked out right now and the hair alone. I am so sorry and so thankful at the same time. I am just wondering how Dean, Sam, and Michael are going to feel about this when they come home to a fucked out scent.” you say as you keep giggling only to stop when you mentioned about Michael coming home knowing very well he goes home to someone else and that hurt comes to you all over again.

He sees and feels this when he lays beside you to put an arm around your body to pull you closer to him.

“Hey I see that, look at me” he says as he lifts your chin to meet his gaze with his hand and you comply.

“I know all of this Michael thing is really getting to you but you know for one thing it will get better. I mean something will be done dont worry. Michael knows what he is doing with this whole entire thing. About me and you though I am pretty sure he will understand this and as for Dean well we will get to that. Since you’re not due for another wave for awhile.” he says to you while that makes you feel better a bit but the whole Dean thing is a different story.

“I better call him before he sees us when he gets home and what you are doing to help” you tell him as you get up from the bed to use the home phone thats in the room.

You dial his number and wait for him to answer.

“Hey y/n, whats up?” he answers on the third ring and you hesitate at first but this needs to come out.

“Hey Dean, what are you up to?” you ask in a hushed tone

“Taking a long lunch break with Michael. How are you and Cas doing?” he asks while he sounds very chipper and you didnt want Michael to hear what is going to be said when he reacts to what you want to tell him.

“Dean, you mind stepping away from Michael because I dont want him to hear when you react to this ok” you instruct him to be away from him while you tell him about your heat and among other things and didnt want Michael to be an ear shot away.

“Uh, ok” he says while he tells Michael that he would be a minute and needed to step out.

'Great they had lunch together' you thought to yourself as you lean against the door frame

“Whats going on? You’re beginning to scare me here, sounding all cryptic” he says with worry

“Its my heat Dean it came” you tell him and stop yourself from going into further detail.

“Are you ok? Do you need me to come home? Where is Cas?” he asks with one sentence and you barely made out what he had said.

“Im fine, the worst is out of the way. Now they are going to wave through a couple of hours at a time. Castiel is still here and he helped me with the waves” you tell him as you get quieter at the end of you conversation with your brother.

“Im so glad he is still there other wise I would have just came driving home if he wasnt. Well at least he knows what to do with you, I mean you two have more in common than we do” he says as he sounds relieved that Cas was around to look after you.

“No, Dean. He helped me through the worst of the heat and he is going to continue helping me get through this” you say while clearing up the explanation.

“You mean to tell me that Cas is helping you through your heat as in the both of you are well you know” he says while he gets really uncomfortable speaking the word of sex to you or just you and sex in a more general sentence.

“Sex Dean. Look I know he is your mate and all and I just wanted to tell you myself before you came home from work. I just didnt want you to be mad at me for fondling your mate and he offered to help me through this because he knows how it is at the very stages of the heat when it comes. He helped me to the room, told him where the toys were and if it were him I would do the same in helping him out to and I wouldnt let him suffer like that” you went on to explain further more and admitted you would do the same for him.

Even though he would need an actual knot but when it came to relieving the heat that comes along you had experimented with the toys you had.

You always made sure it was angled to hit the most sensitive spot and grinded it out till you came knowing that would settle the heat from coming on strong.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, y/n I would never be mad at you for my mate helping you out. Like I said you two have more in common than we do and he knows exactly what to do when it comes to the heats. Plus I never liked you having to deal with your heats alone and I am really happy he is there to help you through the worst. I cant be mad because I know for a fact that either of you cannot complete a bond between the both of you anyways and knowing for sure that either of you cant get pregnant while with each other. You have no worries with me being mad at the both of you. Now if he was Beta then we would be having a whole different conversation about this and this would be a whole different out come.” he says with a very sincere tone in his voice as he telling all of this and you begin to feel very relieved about telling him in the first place.

“I was flipping out before I even called and for sure that you would be pissed at me for even touching your mate. I am just really glad you are understanding to all of this, really thank you it means a lot coming from you” you tell him while leaning your head against the wall as you talk to him on the phone.

Castiel comes back to the room with a tray of food in his hands, he settles the tray beside as you move over to make room for him on the bed and he steps into bed as well.

“I think I am just going to take the suppressants after this” you say and Cas whips his head towards you all wide eyed in complete shock.

“What?” is all that Dean could get out of his mouth as soon as you heard suppressants.

“Yeah, I have been thinking about this for a while and I looked online its totally safe for me to get them. The state of Washington doesnt have the same rules as Sioux Falls or any where else for that matter and basically its safe for all Omega to go on suppressants on the west coast. We dont need to worry about the government snooping around for them to tell the Officials from the Academies to arrive” you tell him further and make sure that Cas hears what you are telling your brother.

“I dont know baby girl, it still scares me ok. Lets check with Sam first to see if this is really legitimate ok and in the mean time just take care of yourself ok. We will talk more about these suppressants when you are done the heat ok?” he asks and you knew talking about suppressants scared Dean a lot, heck it scared you a lot but it was something to consider.

“Ok, I'll see you when you get home ok” you tell him finally after the both of you being silent for a few moments.

“Yeah I will see you when I get home from work, and make sure the both of you eat something alright” he says before getting off the phone with you.

“I will make sure, later” you hang up the phone after the conversation with Dean and look to Cas who still is in complete shock at the mentions of you going on suppressants

“Are you really serious about going on suppressants?” he asks not taking his gaze off from you.

“Yeah I have been thinking about this for a while after we moved here and thought I would talk to my brothers about it first and see how they feel about it. I already know how Dean feels about me taking those medications” you tell him as you take a piece of chicken from the plate thats on the tray between you and Cas.

“I just want to take control of this stupid heat just like I control other things going on and this is the number one thing I know I can take care of by taking something that will keep my heat at bay” you tell Cas by looking to him a few times and look away again because you didnt want to break down mid sentence while explaining to him on how you feel about your heat.

“Well if this is something that you want then all I can do is support you no matter what and I am not saying this because you are my boss but because you are dear to me now and family” he says looking to you as he takes your hand in his to entwine them together and you know that he is being very sincere and genuine.

After a few days that your heat is passed and all that lingers is the scent that is left behind and to be on the safe side you closed shop for a few more days to make sure your scent wasnt in the air anymore. As the weekend comes is when Sam leaves to the city with Sarah and maybe who knows if they were going to come back mated.

**************************

I hope I tagged everyone, if you would like to be added to the tags. Send me an ask or message and I will be happy to add you. Thanks for reading my loves

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dfwemelie · 5 years

Text

March 2019

I hate how awkward I am around Calvin. It's like I freeze up and dont know what to do or how to do anything. It's fine though cause we will get over it eventually. We both never realized how much we have in common and its pretty crazy. He makes me happy.

I got new shoes :D they are black and white Van's. I also got some new pants which is cool, they have holes in them UwU

Around 2 days ago I got into a fight with Gage cause he said that wearing all black makes me look stupid. I was really hurt by it and eventually started crying cause I'm a bitch and cant handle my emotions properly. I dont even know why Gage is still in my phone, I thought I blocked him. I have an amazing boyfriend now. I care about him. I dont need Gage in my life anymore.

This homework makes me feel fucking stupid. Calvin says he wants to help me with it but I have to figure it out on my own. Hes a good boyfriend. Tomorrow is his birthday but I didnt get him anything cause I'm poor :'). I'm sorry Cav if you ever read this.

Its Clavins birthday today :'). I cant believe hes 16. I still have a long way to go until my birthday, but that's ok. 145 days isnt even that long..

I told Calvin I was pansexual today and I started having a panic attack. He noticed and held me tight and kept telling me everything was going to be ok. Calvin didnt let go of me until he felt my heart rate go down. I felt safe in his arms, I've never felt like this before. I like this feeling

Today is friday, the last day before spring break. Yesterday I got super hangry and pushed Izzy and almost punched Kelly in the face. I've felt super nauseous all day it's weird. Also kinda tmi but I have the weird urge to makeout with a girl lol. My crazy teenager hormones are kicking in.

Everything hurts and I'm dying.

this is why I dont get attached to people. I fuck everything up. I'm sorry Calvin but I cant tell you what I used to do. (I told him lol)

damn I havent done this in awhile. its March 19th and I just found out Kaylie got braces!!! She looks so pretty. Also Calvin and I got into an argument last night but we worked through and we hugged the entire lunch period lol. He cares about me alot and I care about him, I dont want to mess everything thing up. I've never told my parents about any of my boyfriends at all, but I feel like I could let them know about him. It's weird but I've never had a boyfriend like him before. I love it, and him. He treats me like a queen UwU.

Calvin was sad today, I didnt like the fact he was sad so I grabbed his arm and didnt let go until we walked into class after lunch. In the library I layed on his shoulder the entire time and he didnt seem to care lol.

Cav just told me he might be moving so I'm doing a sad

March 22, 2019. Calvin ran away and I'm currently sitting in the hallway crying. I'm so fucking scared.

it's the next day and I'm ready to talk about it. Calvin got caught with stuff and him which caused him to be super pissed off. I ignored him at the beginning of lunch and I went to talk to Kaylie and left Calvin. I came back to sit in our spot but Calvin wasnt there. I sat down and Calvin walked by. Jack said something to him which made Calvin angry. He walked off and threw his phone across the library. I tried to go after him but he walked out of the library, I thought he would come back so I didnt go any further. A couple seconds later I saw him walking away and it was like time stopped. In that moment, my heart broke into millions of peices. I started crying and crying....and more crying. I cried for the rest of lunch. I walked into class while crying and put my head down. Mrs.Lawshe noticed and asked if I needed to go outside into the hallway. I did for about 45 minutes. During that time Micah, Donte, Aedon, Kristen, James, and both Luke's asked if I was ok. I wasnt but I said I was. When Micah came around he could tell I wasn't so he kept asking, I gave in and told him that Cav ran away, he said he would be back to talk to me some more. When Micah was gone Kristen saw me asked me the same question, she told me everything would be ok and if there was anything she could do for me than she would do it. I asked her if she could go get Avery and she did. When Avery came out she asked me what was wrong and I told her everything. She comforted me and helped me through it. Micah came back around and sat on the other side of me for a little bit then had to go back inside. I stayed out for a little bit longer with Avery until I had to go get dressed for Culinary. I went to the bathroom, got dressed, came back, and finished the last couple minutes of class. I went to Culinary and said exactly 7 words the entire class, in the middle I went to the bathroom and cried. Mrs.Langley say me and i just told her i had a bad day. I went to class and proceeded. The bell rang and Carlos asked me what's wrong. I told him and started crying, he hugged me and told me everything was gonna be ok. He walked me to my bus and went home. Calvin stole his parents iPad and texted me at 3:55, but I was asleep trying to numb my pain. I woke up and immediately texted him, we talked about what happened. we forgave eachother and moved on. Everything is ok now. I love him so much and I'm glad we could work everything out.

Todays my moms birthday, happy birthday mom

OMG OMG OMG. Ok so Calvin texted me saying he wanted to talk to me. So I asked the sub if I could go to the bathroom and she said ok. I went out there with Calvin already waiting for me, he grabbed my hand without saying a word and took me to the stairwell where the cameras couldnt see. We got half way down and he pulled me in close and grabbed my hands and put them behind his neck. He put his arms on my lower back and hugged me for a couple seconds. At this point I already knew what was gonna happen so I was kinda nervous. He looked into my eyes and asked if I was ready. I said yes (of course lmao) then he leaned down and kissed me. Like 2 seconds later it turned into us making out and I wasnt mad about that lol. We made out for like a minute until I said we had to go back to class before anyone would wonder why we were gone for so long. I went back to class and I'm told Kaylie and my face got super fucking red lol. Like a guy in my class was asking if I was ok and I just nodded. I wanted to go back and do it again lol, like really want to. But it would be weird if we both asked to go to the bathroom twice, plus I dont want us getting caught. When I got home Calvin and I were talking about it and I was like damn, he was a really good kisser and supposedly so was I. We cant do it until next week because he has ISS, but omg I can not wait until that day comes. Ok yeah I'll stop talking about it now lmao.

I gave myself my 4th and 5th tattoo over the course of the last 2 days, The first one I did waas a smiley face on my upper left arm. The second one I did just last night (which took forever btw) was the word “compulsive” of my left forearm. None of my parents have asked or I think have noticed them yet. That’s good I guess. I think I wanna tell them that they aren’t “sharpie drawings” and are actual tattoos on my 18th birthday, since I would finally be the legal age to get one. I think my favorite one I have right now is “compulsive”. I think it describes me perfectly. I’m gonna be honest though, it is not the best looking tattoo I have ever done, but that does not make me love it any less. I’m worried about drill team tryouts with my tattoos. Apparently I need to get administrative confirmation that my tattoos are fine and i’m allowed to try out. I’m also worried about my mom finding out. I don’t know if the couches are gonna ask if I have any. If they do, I absolutely have to say yes because they can be covered only to an extent. I don’t my mom finding out cause she might not let me be in drill team if I actually do make it (I doubt I will, but i;m going to try out anyways.) Calvin says he wants me to ove him once since i'm an experienced tattoo artist. I’m still not sure if I trust myself to do it on another person. I can do it on myself cause it’s my body and i’m ok with it if I mess up, but on someone else? I would start freaking out if I mess up.I’m gonna talk to him about it probably next week. I love him so much lol.

Calvin came over to my house and walked Chewbacca with me omg

I stg all of this is about Calvin. I went to check the mail and I saw him across the street lol. I knew he was walking around but I didnt know it was in my neighborhood. we walked me to my mailbox cause I was checking the mail and it was really fucking cold lmao.

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kirakirachiizuru · 6 years

Text

[PART 1] HAKUMYU LIVE2 - SPECIAL GUEST EXTRAS - Matsuda Ryo

I am doing this just for fun ^^ Because I like translating the Tokuten (extras), than the Honpen (stageplay) :p I know LIVE has been around for a while but just in case ^^ I will skip some parts… because they talk too fast / not so important / interesting :p If I have the time and if anyone wants to read this, I will make the rest with Izawa Yuki, Yamazaki Shuuto, Gomoto Naoya & Yazaki Hiroshi too ^^ (i edited this with photos lol yesterday tumblr was being ugly and jealous i couldnt upload anything)

PART01: Matsuda Ryo-kun (12/08, Kyoto, NOON)

[01:25:22]

Mori-Producer: Today’s guest, Matsuda Ryo-san!

Ryo: IS EVERYONE HAVING FUN?

*fanscream*

Ryo: NOT ENOUGH! DO YOU LOVE HAKUMYU?

*fanscream*

Ryo: Awesome! Once again, I am the previous Saito Hajime actor, Matsuda Ryo.

Yoroshiku onegaishimasu.

M-P: So it has been 2 1/2 years, since your last stage, since Kazama-hen

R: Yes, that was the last one for me, and the Fukuchou (commander / Piroshi). And you see just now I have been watching from the side-stage and a lot of memories came in.

R: Yes my debut performance was the first ever Hakumyu after all (Saitou-hen). I’m so happy and now everyone is turning their penlights into Blue colour. Aa~ thank you~ (in his Kansai-ben /aaaaaa XD)

*fanscream*

R: I love everyone (* Minna suki ya de~ aaa kansai benn XD) ! I’ll give you this *hands over his uchiwa (fan) to one front seat fan). It is a festival after all right. I can’t throw it (the fan) to the seats it’s dangerous okay.

M-P: It is definitely amazing right. It was the first ever Hakumyu, and without that there wont be Hakumyu today right (i rephrased this XD i think he mentioned Matsuda Gakkun, like without Ryo-kun first Hakumyu, there wouldnt be Hakumyu today for anyone else~)

*Digest / clips of Ryo-Saitou played on screen*

After that…

R: You know just now I received a LINE message from Yamazaki-san / Piroshi.

AUDIENCE: ‘What did he saaay?’

R: ‘Good luck for the LIVE’ and he wrote that all in Hiragana. lol but that’s so him XDD

So I replied, I’ll do my best!

R: No no *sheepishly*, but you see in the digest just now (clips from prev musicals), it is thanks to everyone - casts, staffs, those who have been loving Hakumyu.. oh but Hakuouki (the anime/game) is amazing in the first place right.

M-P: He is definitely a zachou (lead) who practiced more than anyone else, yet never shows a tired face *more praises*

R: (laugh) thank you!

Then Mori-Producer said that seems like it started from Ryo-kun, a passionate and powerful Zachou, and from that on the next ones too inherited that.

R: Eh, wait I feel like crying already.

M-P: That’s fast.

R: Before I was in Hakumyu, I went through an audition and at that time, I was auditioning for Heisuke’s position.

ME & FANS: WHAAT?????

[01:28:01]

R: I was aiming for Heisuke and I really didnt think that I would be Saitou Hajime and that time Mori-san’s impression was really interesting

M-P: I thought he will definitely fail this :p

It was like he was screwing around. What did you do again?

And then Ryo-kun explained that there are some things that needs to be done. I think he needs to act out a scene in which everyone needs to take turn and then he gets cut down by another. And he have to act out a dying scene.

[1:28:45]

R: I never had any experience of sword fight lessons or anything, let alone how to act out a death. So when I was cut down, UWAAA— (run and plops on floor) and I just stayed in this position (on floor) and I looked at the person and the producer angrily said ‘Die now!’

(Chii: BAHAHAHA ;;;;;;)

M-P: I really thought you will fail but you managed till the end and Im glad it is you.

R: Aaww

M-P: How about acting out Saitou Hajime’s line now? *pass a Katana*

R: WAAA, it has been a while since I last held a Katana *slips it on his obi* (mind you, it is left side which is actually ‘wrong’ because he is Saitou Hajime known for left-handed samurai XD). Ok Mori-san be the Chizuru okay.

*acts out Saitou’s line* (AAAAAA AAAA) *looks at Mori-chizuru lol*

R: EH, this katana is the other way round (lol)

M-P: Any scenes that’s most memorable for you?

R: (he said the scene when he fought with Kazama)

*Then it became an awkward scene when Shougo-Kazama came out.*

R: Hi, it is.. a first time so I’m Matsuda Ryo *steps back*

Shougo-Kazama: Hmph.

R: Seems like his eyes is killing me. Then, I can take him on now. Everyone, he is now weaponless.

S-K: *came back with a Katana* R: Ok lets go with ‘that’ scene. Get it? ‘That scene?’ ��. Aren’t you laughing, you okay?

(LOL Shougo is facing Ryo-kun so the face is not visible :P)

*Acting out the sword fight* But it doesnt seem to go well XDDD

S-K: ... sure you can do it? :p

[01:33:30]

*Shiranui is called out*

Shiranui: I didnt hear about this

(maybe this was not part of their plan haha because the talks are partly scripted :p)

R: Hi! Hey hey hey! *making a gun with his hand and then ignored by the two Onis* XD

S: Who’s that?

S-K: I have no idea

R: Where’s that other person.. bald one?

S: Koudou

(actually and usually the casts are all watching from the side-stage ^^ HAHA so im thinking they didnt planned it out other than Shougo-Kazama meeting Ryo-kun XD)

….. Koudou: Shibu shibu shibu shibu *t/n: reluctant, reluctant (LOL XD)

[01:34:30]

R: Definitely they are amazing first-generation casts right

M-P: Ok time is running out. *fans went EHHH~~*

S-K: I will read a letter from my good friend, Suzuki Shougo (lolol.)

R: Oh you two are such close friends eh. (LOL)

S-K: He is… *stiffled laugh* (AHAHAHAHAHA) S-K: *reads the letter to Matsuda-san* ^^ Matsuda-san I heard you are making appearance on Hakumyu’s stage after a long time today, how are you feeling? It has been 5 years since we have known each other. You who are a younger brother, we had fun praticing, drinking and fooling around together. Compared to that time, I earnestly think you’ve become such a splendid actor as Matsuda Ryo…….. (cont) (It is such a warm letter, and I am not good with such beautiful piece so let’s leave that to your imagination :P)

S-K: That’s what he wrote *keeps the letter in his sleeve* M-P: You’re not giving the letter to him?

S-K: Later (XD) : [01:37:18]

R: *speeches* Ok I cant anymore, if I stay here any longer I will cry. Thank you, have fun everyone!

FIN

Here are some other interesting facts from the rest of the special guest corner (that I might or might not translate):

[1] Gomoto Naoya-kun auditioned for Hijikata Toshizou’s position (HAHAHA but Mori Producer was like, Nope okay you can stop during the audition :p)

[2] Izawa Yuki-kun was sooo pressured to be the 2nd Hijikata-san, because Piroshi / Yamazaki Hiroshi was a strong one, too good. And then he said at that time, he always had Kondou-san (Taira-san) to pamper and calm him down. And when asked how, he acted it out: *walks to Kondou-san and hugs* ‘Im scared~ Piroshi was so good~* And Taira-san would hug pat him and say ‘It is okay, just be yourself, you own version of Hijikata Toshizou’

[3] On the recording day of Hakumyu Reimeiroku, Piroshi came to watch. And Izawa Yuki-kun was like ‘AAA how dare he came today why did he have to come today of all days’ XD But then at the end, when he showed his fist towards Piroshi in the audience seat, Piroshi returned his air-fistbump (AWW). He said he was happy and touched ^^

[4] Izawa Yuki sheated his katana and fans went ‘UUU~~’ and he said ‘Wow LIVE is so nice, I didnt do anything but sheating my sword and I get such reaction :p

[5] Izawa Yuki said he had such a blunder during Hakumyu performance like there were times when he tried to sheath back his sword and the scabbard had moved the other way. So this one time, he put it in, and like oh god it wouldnt go in so while acting the play he slowwwwly slowwwwly took it out, and BAM! put it back in one go :p

[6] Ryo-kun said some of the blunders he made during Hakumyu was (1) There was a part Amagiri was talking and he was supposed to come out, and at one time he was just sitting at the side-stage not realizing it was his moment to come out. And suddenly Ikeda Junya-kun (Heisuke), came running ‘OI YOUR TURN GET OUT THERE’ and he was like wth and ‘WHY?’ and Junya furiously said ‘YOUR TURN’ and he was like ‘WHAT? !!!’ *late sudden realization* XDDD

(2) There was a day he said he forgot his Katana (LOL) and that was the part he was supposed to fight Kazama (such important scene LOL). And he saw the ensemble Suga-chan and just ‘defeat and grab away his Katana forcefully’ and continue his act LOL. (you would know Suga-vhan if you’re a fan (said Ryo-kun), bcs the longest ensemble member to join Hakumyu from start till to-date).

[7] Izawa Yuki-kun said he was always feeling so pressured (lol poor one XD Piroshi was awesome after all keke) but Kondou-san (Taira-san) helped him like you know he is a historical figure and Taira-san looks just so realiable like the real one, but then one day during practice, they were practicing Shinsengumi’s first appearance during YAISA and when it is his turn to come out with Taira-san suddenly he heard a loud DODOON noise and when he looked to his side, Taira-san stumbled and fell down very unsightly LOL (you can see this clip in Toudou-hen’s extras) :p

[8] Imata Taira-san (Kondou-san) is known for getting tongue-tied and calling character names wrongly like: Saitou-KYUN, Sousuke (Heisuke), Heiji (Souji) :p

[9] Mori-producer said when he first met Ryo-kun he judged him like ‘Can this kid really talk properly’ (Because Ryo-kun is a Kansai-person so he has an accent). And Ryo-kun said Now I can talk normally and fluently (without the accent) :p

#hakumyu #hakuouki musical #hakumyu LIVE 2

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15001700tt · 3 years

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Reflections of the Deep Sense of Self

well, i dont really have an audience except for a handful of mutuals and the many porn bots that i cant seem to get rid of no matter how hard i try but i am still gonna use this platform to voice out my thoughts since i have too many of them and i feel like i might drown if i don't talk about them.

i dont necessarily think that i am a person that is easily swayed by men, i was able to emotionally control myself quite effectively in my youth.

my first crush was simply a pick from the crowd to stop my friends nagging about who it was. i just observed the crowd and picked the most likely to not interact with my sort and said "him, he is so cute!" hoping that my friends wouldn't see through my facade. i didn't want to like anyone just because of their looks but I had quite literally not spoken to the male sort in my entire life (not including men I am related to, I was in all girl private school before I moved to America's public system) to develop an interest in them in a romantic or infatuated way even.

now this is just my introduction to my philosophical essay about whether hurt/ mentally ill people are inherently evil but I must admit that this was started because of other reasons. we might not even get to touch on that either, i tend to ramble and not get to the point effectively.

if you followed me long enough you would know that I was talking to a man I might've called Viking. but we do not talk anymore after I made my feelings clear to him.

i feel many things, most of the time, its anger, the other times, confusion, hurt, rejection..etc. but I do not blame him. mostly because, i am quite annoying as a human being.

one of the things i took to as a way to distract me from the pain, was reading. i read so much that it was impossible to feel anything except the emotions that I was told to through a page. but in between books I would have nights where i wouldnt be able to focus on the words, and I would ponder what was it i did wrong, what was it that made him deem me worthless, not worth responding to. and I would come up blank because my self-preservation wont allow me believe that because I made my intentions clear that I was in the wrong to do so when I feIt that our relationship was taking the wrong turn. if I am allowed to call it a relationship, because quite frankly it was a level below a situationship and a level above a friendship. that I was quite sure of.

as I sit here and write after almost two months of silence from his end and mine, because I refuse to be the one to break it. call it pride, call it stubbornness, I was not the one to ghost the other. i refuse to chase after someone who clearly does not want me. but still can't deny that I lay in bed every night at some godforsaken hours of the night wishing, and hoping that he would just take a step towards me. as I had done to him that one Wednesday afternoon in April.

my point is that my interest in men started out of necessity but it has evolved into a yearning of something that seems quite unattainable. i am not attractive by any means, but I am not of the ugliest sort. i have seen people with more weight with worse features than I with partners who could care less about appearances. which to say that my looks shouldn't be any good reason to ghost me. and while I don't necessarily think that my appearance was the reason for the silence I do struggle with the way l look so my insecurities have found a very good home in the found silence from him. i am working on losing weight out of a bet with friends but also out of bitterness but nevertheless, he is a man and if he wont block me than he must see what he is missing out on.

but again, I used to think I would never be that girl. the one who wanted something but she cant have it. which is quite the diabolical because the entirety of the 11 months we talked I had many panic/ anxiety attacks over how our appearances didn't match, our aesthetics weren't compatible, about how I was too ugly for him or too fat for him. but he seemed the sort that was straightforward and didnt waste other peoples times. i guess i was wrong in the sense that he kept me around because he was bored and disposed of me when it got too serious for his liking. i thought i always had the upperhand, that if things ended i wouldnt be too hurt about it and do what i do best, find the next boy to obsess over.

funny enough, he seemed interested. but i cant know for sure. i mightve made it up in my head.

i have a fear, which shouldnt be a fear but it is. remember how i said that my first crush was out of necessity? well that seems to be the case with me from 7th grade to the end of highschool. which is crazy because you would think with all the men i obsess over that i would find men attractive. i think there is a clear line between celebrities and fiction characters from a real person with undeliberate faults and thing you cant control.

i never thought any of my crushes were ugly, they were good looking but they didnt make me feel attracted to them. it didnt help that i was also the type to watch from a far and not the get close and comfortable.

considering this my first person that i liked and held an 11 months conversation/-ship with i think i did very good but that doesnt change that i read too many romantic book and i had a silver of hope.

a silver of hope that maybe i wasnt weird or shitty for not feeling attracted to anyone in my life. that i finally found someone who literally embodied my dream guy and couldnt have been more perfect. if only he was better at communicating.

he says that he is traumatized from long distance relationships, i now understand that it mightve been his fault. he doesnt communicate. in the 11 months we have known each other i know about a handful of things about him while he had me all figured out. except for one thing. he never got my fear of relationships. since i suspect he ghosted me because he thought i would want one. i guess ghosting me seemed like his best option.

i might not be undesireable but i am not anyone's first choice either. usingmedia to distract me from my emotions literally has become my life. i read about 15 hockey romances the weeks after the ghosting. i was already reading regency era adult romances but i couldnt bring myself to finish them because i had spoken to him about them. this decision i will regret because i talked about everything with him. i mentioned this before. quite literally everything reminds me of him. and its quite sad because i cant evn ssay what we had was special. i decided yesterday that he wasnt worth all of this, and i know he isnt. but i am tired. i just want to be dessired and wanted.

i literally stopped reading a book because the male interest did the same thing that he did to me, essentially to the female protag. i cant even pick up the raunchy adult romance.

i didnt let my self feel the extent of my emotions, only in small slivers of despair, or when i am too tired to pretend that his actions didnt affect me.

he was perfect in all ways but one and i was all faults except for one; my immenient need to communicate.

and no one knows, a friend of mine knows, but they dont know everything, i dont want her to get annoyed with me. i was in her place too many times and i refuse to put her through that. and our mutual friends?

hahahahaha the other night i was speaking with S, and he said that the last time he spoke to him, he mentioned me and Viking said 'oh i havent spoken to her in a while' thats it. no explaination no excuse. i dont even know why that infuriated me. i wasnt even worth an explaination in his eyes. S barely found out via vague summary from me. because even though i was/am hurt. i refuse to tarnish his reputation. 'in a while' ????? you mean two months? but then again S couldnt remember the last time he talked to him. but like still?

forget that we were flirting constantly i thought i was friend at least. i deserve more than this. i think. maybe not then.

i want to scream and shout and hit him and cry about why he didnt want me. but i realize thats self depricating. i should never seek validation from a man, i know but it wouldnt fucking hurt fam.

i have so much to say and yet i feel like its already too much. i should keep quiet. thats what people want from me. for someone who is 'boy crazy' i have not stomached going on a dating app, or boy watching in public because it physically hurts. for gods sake i cant even read fanfiction or just READ because of it. any sight of anything merely romantic makes me want to yell. i am tired and i want to turn everything off. including my stupid rat brain that only seems to be attracted to assholes.

but the same fucking stupid brain cant help but hope that is our enemies to lovers story. one day... god i hope one day...

#halie #i...dont even know anymore #thoughts #quite literally all the thing i want to say and i have much more #halie thoughts #i feel like crying #the other mutual friend is my best friend who introduced us in the first place and she was very flip floppy about the whole thing #i dont know whether shell say i told you sso or comfort me #quite frankly i dont know which i want or prefer #both options will make me histerical #i already am #i feel very dumb

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imthebrettofthegroup-blog · 7 years

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I just want to start off by saying that this is probably something you wont read and will probably scroll past. I want one person and his friends (all of cc) to read this and know how much they have helped me.

I have had a horrible week even though it only just started.

It technically started last monday but the worst of it arrived yesterday.

Last week I had a surgery on my ear (I had a hole in my ear drum causing hearing loss)

After the surgery I woke up wearing this ugly stupid red headband that I could tell would get annoying.

People thought it was normal, fashionable until I said its from surgery.

First few days were fine, my sleeping schedule on the other hand not so great.

I slept all day and stayed up all night until I went back to school.

I tried to fix that but it got worse until I was awake for two whole days with 0 hours of sleep. Then the next day, the next, the next, until it got to the fifth day.

I have had 6 hours of sleep over the past 5 days. I googled insomnia because a few people said that I might have that.

Insomnia can occur from several things, those of mine would be depression and anxiety.

I am technically not a senior because I dont have enough credits to qualify in the state of Texas.

Thats already stressful. Comes the first day of school my teacher who has been helping me with my learning disabilities told me I would have to work my ass off to get those credits in only a few short months.

Professional communications, we must present a poem about color. I thought of my poem abd I thought it was great!

Red is the first color of the rainbow

Orange is an orange

Yellow as yellow as the banana bus

Green, well those are peas

Blue mens group and blues clues too!

Beautiful indigo night skies

Violet, now where is she?

The more you know

That was my poem.

Then I got scared and almost didn't present it but I did and the look the teacher had on her face made it clear, she didnt like it.

Those cause my stress.

My depression oh boy,

Being bullied because of what I look like. People staring and pointing at me before the laugh while going down the hall to our next class. Thats all im seeing. Judgement.

Boys. Oh lord, I told my crush how I felt. I wrote it on the notebook app on my phone.

I sent it to my two close friends so they can see it before I send it (all of us girls do that)

They told me to send it but I was honestly scared and kept thinking "he doesn't like you who are you kidding. You know whats gonna happen. Stop. Trying." But I sent it and was shaking because I was so scared. I have never been so honest to a guy like that before, its scary!

Being the mofo sweet thing he is he said he thought it was cute and sweet.

Since I didn't have the guts to ask him how he felt about that, I asked my friend Faith to ask him.

He thought it was sweet and cute that I was so up front and honest about how I felt towards him (those werent the exact words, I understood what he meant anyways." But then the next like read "but I dont like anyone at the moment."

That was not the response I was wanting.

He two of my friends felt bad and told me not to worry but all I said is that it has happened to me many times before and Im used to it by now. Truth is Im not.

This guy I like really is the nicest guys I know. He is in the cooler group of people unlike me yet he still listens and read my insanly long paragraphs of me venting, only to respond with something that will make me feel better. All these other guys at our school pretend to be nice at first and then unmask their true self. "Fuqbois" I honestly thought he wad going to be like that but he is still here helping me out today. He makes me laugh in class by being a doofus *no joke, actually pauses typing session to open his snapchat- and actually bringing Shelby, Samar, Faith and us closer together. Yeah it annoys me when he sends me selfies and not say anything or start a conversation and even when I try he just doesnt talk (heckin turd) but I mean hey, he still helps me.

I will admit I felt worthless and unwanted but my two friends, immediately started to message me telling me its okay and trying to cheer me up. It didnt work.

I couldnt talk to him, I was too embarrassed. I talked to my new friend Matthew and he was telling me his story about how he was nothing to what he is now, a huge fuckin ladies man, guys ask him how he did it. He really tried just as much as the girls did but it didnt work.

I talked to my friend L (I know your name Latrice, just want to hurry sorry boo). She immediately knew something wad wrong and tried to help. I decided I just wanted some time alone so I asked "when I get back, can you send me a bunch of pictures of my man Brett?" And she said she would.

I didnt really get any alone time as all my friends kept texting me but I didnt want them to know and start to worry. I only talked to a few of my older girlfriends (going back since 7th grade) Bailey and my other friend Dani (queen) and my friend who was also by my friend Sakib (he introudced me to bre my bitch ass dork), Kate and Sakib were always there when I needed someone or something. Since my freshman year. They graduated as class of 2017 at Central, leaving me and a bunch of us behind. Kate helped me feel better but we didnt talk much. Bre was acting like a mom, I said I was so embarrassed and she said it wasnt embarrassing. How is that not embarrassing? "Because I said so" she made me feel better a bit more.

Bailey, she said I should respect that about him and I agreed. I said I hated couples besides her and her boyfriend Cody.

Her- I wish Cody had friends, I would set you up

Me- me too WAIT OMG "I wish Cody had friends" THE SHADE IS FEELING NICE OVER HERE!

Dani, my beautiful Queen oh my goodness! You already went through a horrible loss today and I wasnt there for you like I should have. I told her I always mess things up and ruin everything. -again gets on snapchat because Erick the cuck asked me a quetion and I answered and then he like died or something, gets distracted amd realizes that Jakob from cc opened my message and then gets on instagram to tell L and let her know Im still writing this, remembers Jakob, freaks out again, looks at notifcations and sees that my famdog Matt (super awesome one I talked about) changed his profile picture so I go check it out realized I was supposed to be typing this and comes back here to remember I need to go to the conversation I had with Dani earlier to put her quote- "its just people who need to learn to see whats so great and its right in front of them." That made me feel better.

I go back to instagram and ask for the pictures of Brett. They instantly make me smile. I dm her because I can connect with her on a certain level with certain things, I tell her I sent a note to Jakob and that I hope he reads it. I took a screenshot and sent to L who said it was so sweet. While typing that letter to Jakob, I had realized the reason Im still here and who I am now than who I was just two weeks ago and I began to cry. I had just realized that Brett has made me smile so much and made me laugh and giggle. He may not know it but he saved my life. Im in a group chat with L and Sam. The chat is called the Slaughter Club. We had met from a post Sam had put up saying she wants to make a gc with a bunch of cc fans and just have an awesome time. Im so glad I hit that comment button and asked to be in the group. Over a day after, we realized I was the oldest, Sam being the youngest and we kinda let her choose lol. Brett is the older one of the group, I was called the Brett of sc. Trevor being the youngest of cc, Sam being the Trevor of sc, L, she chose Aleks. So Aleks of sc she was. They would get great pictures of the guy of cc and I never saw good ones so I asked where, they brought me here. Since being in this group chat and being the adult in certain situations (also weird fact, whenever Im not there, shit happens like idek. Same with Brett with cc.) Brett has inspired me in so many ways and I know I will never have the chance to ever in any way tell him, this is how Im telling him how he saved me. Really, all I want is that the Cow Chop crew read this and know how much they mean to me. I have a feeling that I know they will never see this (especially Brett) but Im going to put this out there in the hopes he will. Thats what I want from this. I know its all stupid but the CC crew really have brought together an amazing group of friends who I love so much and want to thank for always being there. Thank you. -Caroline Hope Powell

#brett hundar #hundar #cow chop #modest cube #aleksandra zaryanova #alsojakob #please reblog #thank you #saved

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tijuana-blues · 7 years

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I waited until i got to work to type this.

The end of this month crosses the 1 year mark. only one year ago my world was completely different, and on the Verge of Collapse. A little backstory is needed before i continue.

Yesterday was a normal Tuesday for me. Work didnt stress me, no problems arose. My parents texted me and my brother to eat steak for Dinner. The Food was delicious, and i was preparing to head home, hit a Nice Big Dab, play a round of Smite, and hit the sack, seeing as how i hadnt slept in over 24 hours, and the only thing fueling me was the Gram of Coke i bought on Monday lol.

So as i Get up to Put away my dishes and say goodbye, i get a FaceBook Message. Its my Cousin, Isaiah.

He says he got into an Argument with his dad and got kicked out. He needed somewhere to sleep for the night.

Sure, I tell him. I cant just ignore him if he has nowhere to go. He meets me at my house 5 Minuets later with a backpack full of beer, a bottle of Vodka, and half a loaf of bread and sandwhich meats. My Cousin is crazy lmao, he has the Apache Blood in him more than me. Anyway, since hes staying, i ask if he can find some Wax, so i wouldnt be taking from my Brothers Stash. We meet up a half hour later and pick it up.

so were in my garage, passing the rig back and forth while i Showed him how Smite Worked. And then suddenly he pulls a rolled up baggie out his pocket.

A rolled white Baggie full of powder.

“well we can finish this off, then. since youre letting me Crash here.”

Im not one to ask for payment to crash at my place, but i wasnt gonna say no either lol.

he pours it out on the glass i had been using myself and began to chop it fine with the razor blade i used too.

i had taken a couple pretty good sized dabs in quick order, so i was pretty toasted when he handed me the glass and rolled up dollar. I only saw the 2 lines he had cut on it, so i just assumed he cut two for both of us and i was going first. So i just aim the dollar at the line on the right and Snort away, dragging the dollar quickly, then my Nostril Burst into Flame. I had made a mistake, he cut one line for Me from the PILE on the left.

The PILE i just Tornado’ed up my nose, and was now drinking water to keep my throat from going numb from the river of coke mucus running down it. I hear my Cousin laughing next to me.

“youre a maniac, Cuz! you railed that whole Fat ass pIle!”

Well Fuck. so much for sleeping. Lighting Coursed through my Veins 5 minuets later, and i started drinking Beers to fight the Drip.

Now Isaiah told me that it was Good Shit, but i hardly take his word for it Nowadays. hes off mark most of the Time. Not this time, Though.

15 Minutes Later im Chainsmoking Cigarettes out front of my Driveway Drinking beer and my Jaw was shaking in my Head.

You know its Good Shit when it makes someone who spent the last 24 hours doing Coke often, gives him the Jabber Jaw.

me and Isaiah just began to talk bullshit into the NIght. at Around Midnight he was talking about a girl he knew for awhile now liking him. And him liking her too but he didnt think a Relationship would be good at the Time.

Then Youre Face appeared in my Head. Like it always does. I havent Gone a day yet where i dont see you in my head.

I dont know what caused this, Perhaps it was the Coke in my System with the Beer. Or Maybe it made me finally push past my Insecurities.

i Began to talk about how i Felt the Same, how i couldnt really talk to other women or really want to because of the Luggage i was Still Carrying with My Ex, Maria.

And from there i began to talk and Talk and Talk. I couldnt Stop, the Words i had been saying in my head Every day this Past Year came out. I sat in my Garage all night Long, Until 5:00 AM, Talking to Isaiah About Her.

I didnt hold back, and surprised myself as my eyes stayed dry and my Voice Stone Cold.

I told HIm about How every Woman i ever Dated All Cheated on Me and Left me without a Second Glance. About How My First Girlfriend Megan roped me into a 3 year Lie and ruined my trust in people. I talked about how the girls i dated afterwards all did the same thing, and how i wished i was joking to him.

I told him about how i blamed myself for each failed relationship, and how id spend nights trying to figure out a way to fix myself. How i felt like i wasnt meant to be Happy with anyone and how i stuffed it all down deep and dealt with it only in my most private moments.

...And Then i told him about How I Met her in my Junior Year of High School. The Class was Anatomy, a class full of 24 teenagers with the worlds Laziest Teacher. It was the First Day, and I walked in to a semi empty classroom with kids walking around, picking out a seat for the rest of the semester. the desks all faced forward, in groups of twos in four rows across. I took a seat on the outside Left side around the Middle. I just dropped my Bag and sat in my Seat, waiting for the class to start, checking my phone every now and Again.

And the seats began to fill up, the Desk next to me taken by a Tall Nerdy looking kid with blonde hair and Garth Glasses, A KId i Befriended. Daniel Butttruck. Thats not how you spell the last name but thats how it sounds lol. So i named him Butt Truck and thats his name to this day lol.

The Chair in front of Daniel on the right was taken by a Friend of Daniels, A glasses clad Girl name Aly, And all you need to know about her is that she has a IQ just North of a Bedroom Slipper.

And lastly, A Girl In crutches slowly approached the chair in front of me, and slid into the Chair as the class started. She had a big black velcro Boot strapped to her Leg, and it stuck out into the walkway on our left a bit. She had Dark Hair that was cut into a really cute short style. At first i didnt really notice her until a few weeks into the semester where the Teacher flipped the front two desks around, making Pods of 4. So Now She Faced me and Aly faced Dan on the right.

Thats When i noticed her.

She had Brown Eyes that shone slightly, like Fine Wood Tarnished to a Dark Brown Mixed with Lighter Browns. Her nose was a small little Button Nose between her prominent Cheekbones that raised when she smiled. She didnt Wear much Makeup, or at least looked like she didnt. I remember to this day about how i would see her smile and laugh a bit as we all got comfortable as a group, me cracking Jokes and being dumb some days, with Days. As time passed i began to Notice her more. I began picking her out in the hallways as i walked to class. Sometimes I would say Hi and see her reaction.She was like me in some ways, wasnt a morning person, and had the same sense of Humor. I remember the time Dan Told us about how he Broke his Leg at Blizzcon.

Yeah, if youre not 12 years old, Dan was the Kid who Broke his Leg in like 2006 at Blizzcon Dancing like a Zombie. He was on Tosh.O or was going to be? ill ask him next time i see him lol. Anyway, hes telling us this story and Maria and I are Freaking Out because we realized he is Internet Famous, and Laughed Like Crazy.

Soon enough, I went from saying hi when i saw her to stopping by her morning class to say hi and chat, since my morning class was down the hall from hers, then sometimes wed walk toward our next class. Mind You, i Was a Junior at 17-going on 18, and Maria was two years younger than me. I never tried to flirt with her, but i enojoyed talking to her. I remember clearly One Winter Morning as i walked in from the Bus Lanes to my Morning Government Class, I see her standing by her Morning classroom, i dont remember what it was. She had her phone and was tapping away on it. I quickened my Pace as i passed her, and called out, “Maria!” she popped her head up and looked at me, and i Flipped her off. She gave a look of Confusion and laughed, walking into her classroom as the bell rang. I remember giggling to myself as i sat down, then asking myself, “Why the fuck did i do that for?? Idiot!”

That was the beginning of my Senior Year, Graduated 2011. We didnt have much contact after i Graduated, while i did the little schooling i did do, and work at that God Awful Produce Factory that first year out of High School.It wasnt until about a year or so later, when i started my job at Wal-Mart and Moved in with Christian. i remember it being Spring When i Saw Her Again. I Was collecting carts to put back in the cart corral, when i heard a Girls Voice Call my Name out in the Parking Lot.

I look out towards Barros Pizza in the plaza and i saw her Again.

It was a Bright Sunny Day, Not too Hot yet in the Summer. Her Hair had grown a bit longer, but still had its shape. She wore a Bright Yellow SunDress with Sunflowers on it. I remember how Cute i thought it was on her. I remember this moment so clearly because it was in that moment i felt something inside my heart. Like a Spark running through it.

I smiled and walked out to meet her, she had two of her other friends with her, they had been eating at Barros. Maria Hugged me and Asked me how i had been, and i told her about how i started working there and i live on my own now, looking into colleges. We chatted for a few minutes before i had to go back to work. I asked for her number to text with and, she walked off. As i went back inside i remember the times in Anatomy with our little group, and how i used to enjoy chatting with her. it also made me Remember the day i flipped her off, Years ago. As i lay down in bed that night, I remember thinking of her and telling myself, “you know, i think she would be an awesome Girlfriend.”

Months Passed and i hadnt had much Contact with Maria. I had my own problems at the time and i remember that period of my life to be so unstable i didnt want to date a girl and Live there lol. But i would text her every now and then and wed talk for a bit. I remember her dating someone at the time, and living with them. One Night in Particular I noticed she was posting on Tumblr and it seemed like she was Upset. So i Texted her and asked if she was doing alright. She said she was fine, but shes too much like me, i say that just to get people to leave me alone. I text back that she can talk or vent to me, that i didnt mind. And she did. She began to talk about her Relationship with her BF and how they rarely see each other because of work schedules and School. She told me she was thinking of just packing her things and leaving while he was at work. I told her, “Do what you have to do. if you arent happy, why are you there?”

i texted about a week or so later. She left him. She Began talking about moving to Portland With a Friend, and Getting out of AZ. I remember being bummed out at the news, my feelings for her had began to grow. I decided to step away for awhile, let those feelings go away. It must have been around 3 or 4 months later, or longer? But anyway, i see her posting on Tumblr Again, and i send her a DM asking how shes been, and if she moved to Oregon. She replied back and said her Friend Flaked, and that she really didnt want to go anyway. She says to text her, and i Ask for her Number Again.

From then on, we talked semi often every couple days, more and more often as time passes. Finally, one Day i ask her to hangout sometime, go to the arcade, play air hockey. We had been talking pretty often by then, but no obvious flirting or anything. We meet up at the arcade and we take turns playing different games, Giant Connect Four, Air Hockey, Ticket Games. She bought me a little T rex with her tickets, i named him Revan. Then we just sat on a couch and People watched those who walked in. I remember feeling her arm against mine as we sat together, and Me leaning in Quickly and kissing her cheek, and Seeing her Smile.

About 4 or 5 more little Dates Later, I ask her if she would be serious, because i wanted to be.

Her Face Brightened as i saw her give the biggest Smile i ever seen from her, and she said Yes.

I told Isaiah how as the first year passed, i had been drunk off the happiness i had at the time. As i learned more about Maria, the more attractive she was to me. She is unlike any woman ive ever met before, or have met since. I told him about how i talked about her to my friends all the time, how smart she was, how she volunteered at a Funeral Home Embalming Bodies and playing with Corpses like a Badass.

Then came my 22nd Birthday, on the first year we were dating in 2014. I didnt even want a present from her, she was all i wanted any day. I dont know why i never told her things like that. She Baked me Fudge Brownies after work on the week of my birthday, and i was more than happy.

Then she pulled a box out of Nowhere, Smiled That Warm Smile i Had come to Adore, and Said “Happy Birthday Babe!”

Before that Moment, i Cant recall a time that i was genuinely Surprised like that. I remember the words stopping in my throat and jumbled with the ones i had tried to say Next. Genuine Excitement as i opened the Long Brown Box. I opened the top flap and pulled the Styrofoam Casing to the Rectangle stick inside, Bright White with a Black Line going Down along the Length of it. And inbetween the space in the Line at the Hilt, Was the Red and White Sigil of the Uchiha.

A fucking Uchiha Sword! Like i was in actual Disbelief when i Realized. And what i explain next i never told anyone other than Isaiah that night.

I had to Try my Hardest to keep from Crying in that moment. Not because i loved the Gift she had gotten me, and how she made it a surprise, Something no one has done for me before.

It was because i remember a couple weeks before,as we scrolled Netflix one evening, i Saw Naruto on the list. I geeked out and asked you if you ever watched it, and began geeking out about it to her. I Made her watch some of my favorite episodes, and she would playfully Tease me about it. As My birthday neared, i came home from work one day to watch some Naruto Myself, and Booted up Netflix.

Someone went about 4 episodes ahead of where we Left off Last. I was at Work, and it was her Netflix Account. She actually started watching it because of how much i told her i liked it. Then She picked out something SHE thought i would like, instead of asking what I wanted like My Lazy Ass does.

No one had ever shown interest in Me like that before, and it touched me right in that moment. I blocked all emotion and was all smiled as i Hugged her Maria and told her how much i loved it. That thing was glued to my hip for like 2 months straight, i would get high after work and watch old Samurai and Ninja Movies, and act out the sword fighting with it. I even slept with it for the first Week.

In the days after that, i saw Maria in a whole new Light. I always knew the Maria who had her walls up to Anyone, the “i really dont care,” attitude she had when she was grumpy in the mornings. I got a glimpse at the Maria That was Behind that wall, The Real Maria.

Who Was sweet, considerate, and Generous. Loving and who could make me laugh.

Ever since that i saw that small glimpse of Her, My heart swelled and pumped blood thrice as hard, and my hands would shake and my mouth would get dry.

I was Falling in Love with you.

Hours have Passed, its Around 2 AM. The Line of Coke has me at Full Speed still, having plenty to say still. Isaiah just sits and drinks, giving the odd acknowledgement every couple of Sentences.

The months after my Birthday have passed, and things seem great between Maria and I. If i only knew what i know now.....

If i had just Put more Faith in You, and in my Heart. It Kills me to know how things would be if i had just manned up and told you how you made me feel....

After the first year, the strain began. We both worked. I had the accounting Job with the Contracting Company, and Maria was Working at a local Kids clothing store, and Volunteered at the Funeral Home, Along with her classes, AND she tutored.

i understood she had a full plate alot of the the time, not to mention the headaches and pains she would have. And that time of the month the poor girl was in pain Constantly. So i didnt get upset or mad when she didnt have time to visit or was too tired from work. we were always talking.

But eventually the Strain and My past would come to Signal the End. it was August, 2015. My brother had fallen Behind on his Mortage Payments on his house, and needed to make a payment ASAP or he would lose the House. Naturally i gave him all the spare cash i could to keep a roof over our heads.

Unfortunately, It left me Penniless during the Month of August, which Marias Birthday was in. I Felt Like Complete Shit but i was in a corner. I apologized to her and promised to make it up to her. It wasnt a big deal to her, but i just hated that it made me look like i dont give a shit.

I had an Ace an hole, Though. i Saved a link to a site that makes Custom Rings that Maria had posted in Tumblr that she really liked and wanted. I ordered it and did it early enough to get it before Christmas. It was already Too Late.

Maria was beginning to grow distant, not replying as soon or as often before. the replies getting shorter and shorter, the tone colder and colder. As we approached My birthday again, I plan a Group event with my friends and family, cause last year we went Paintballing and Maria wasnt there, she had work and class.

So im thinking of what i could do for a group, and i see that Charlie Murphy is doing a show ON my Birthday, a Friday! It was Perfect. I called and Reserved seats for everyone, ordered Bottle Service, i was so excited!

I texted Maria Telling her About the Comedy show and Date of My Birthday. She says she cant make it cause of work, she gets off at around 12. I was Bummed, but I understood.

The Big Day comes and it starts off great. Work was a Breeze, and Maria greeted me with a Warm Happy Birthday first. As the day progressed Everything seemed Normal. As evening sets, we all get ready to go to the show. 8 o clock, Showtime!

it was a Fantastic Show, me and all my Friends and Family drinking and Laughing our Asses off. The only thing missing was Maria. I texted her before the show saying id text her after it was over. it woulda been near to midnight, and she coulda met up with us. The show ends around 1040, and the manager says we can finish off the bottles in the bar. Me and my Friends stay, and start getting Tanked.

Midnight Comes, and i text Maria asking if she was off yet and if she wanted to come meet us. Time passes, and no reply.

she probably went home and crashed, she was probably tired, I think, as it wasnt Abnormal for her to Nap during the Day or whenever she could. So i check Facebook, and it Hits me.

A friend Tagged her and some friends at Westgate, not Long ago.

My heart Goes into FreeFall in My stomach.

Why would she be at Westgate After work? did she Ignore my Text...? why...?

My insecurites flared, and i assumed the worst. I remember everything going Quiet around me, My heart Hammering in my chest, blocking out all other noise.

i Shouldve just called. i Shouldve had more Faith in you, and what i Meant to you.

When every girl you date cheats on you and leaves, in a Row, it was hard not to assume the worst, when the worst is what always happens to you.

I remember the tears welling up in my eyes as i get up to go outside the bar. She went to go out with her friends, and she knew it was my Birthday Today....

It didnt make any sense to me, it all seemed so unbeliveable. But ive been wrong before. And add the excessive Alcohol, you get a Recipe for a Terrible Mistake.

I wasnt Dumb, I knew Maria and I were Drifting apart, Our schedules getting more and more hectic. My job stressing me the fuck out day after day, Marias Packed Schedule.

I was so fucking stupid. Why did i wait? Why didnt i just drop to my knees and tell her when i look at her eyes, i feel like i could do anything. That when she was in my arms i Felt like i needed to become a Better man for her. Why did i wait?

December. Jerkoff Hipster making her ring is falling behind, gonna need a couple more weeks. delivery date mid Janurary. I Threw A fucking Fit. i could feel it all slipping away, no matter what I did. Why did i Wait?

I was so Terrified of Opening up to you, and you not feeling the same way. The Thought of looking into your eyes and telling you that i was in love with you, and i wanted to be with you forever, or until i died. I was Terrified of looking into your eyes and Shooting me down. The texts got shorter and shorter. only strengthening My doubts and Fears.

Christmas. The Ring wasnt Ready yet. Another Fucking Embarassment. She got me a Captain Phasma Painting and some Marvel Shirts. I tell you, “look, i ordered this is time to get it for Christmas, but the Guy Got Delayed and it wasnt ready yet, but... i showed you the Ring on my Phone.

It was the last smile i Saw on you in Person.

So many oppurtunities, wasted. so fucking Stupid. I promise to make it up to you.

Down to One Word Answers, or no Reply at all.

Janurary 2016. Hiroshima.

Valentines Day is Coming, Ill have the Ring Then! and i ordered a Cute little Stuffed Corgi to go with Some Flowers and a nice Romantic Date! i order everything and wait.

You came over one week, and seemed in such a foul mood, i couldnt place it. I thought you were in Pain Probably. I tried to cuddle you, kiss your cheek, you clearly dont want the affection. I try something alittle more...Adult.

You Grabbed my Wrist, and Yanked my Hand away, throwing it off you. I was in Shock. I still remember the look you Gave me that night, Clear as day. That Piercing Glare, Looking Right at me. Pure Anger. and Pain.

Youre replies, in thier Rarity, lacked no padding for thier sharp edges. I believe its all Over Now.

Late January 2016.

You came over one Last time. We had Sex one last time. I remember grabbing you after the first go around as you got up and laid you back down. I was such a Fool.

The Ring was Delivered that Weekend. Monday i text you to see when your free to visit next, your ring is ready and i wanted to see if it fit correctly. You reply your busy tomorrow. i ask with what? you reply with: Concert. i ask What concert. You say: Tribal Seeds.

You stopped Replying After That. The Next Day i texted you again asking when can you come hangout and see your Ring?

You Broke up with me after that.

It felt like everything around me had fallen below me, and all that was left was the dark and Silence. Typing about it now makes the Hole in my heart Ache. I remember how hard the Rain Poured that Night.....As i Cried along with it.

And it was only the Beginning for me.

The first weeks after that day are a blur to me. Either Too Many Drugs Or too Many Drinks, take your pic. i was Broken. One moment you were there, you were mine, and i was gonna fix everything come Valentines Day. I had a Nice Romantic Dinner planned, then a Scenic Walk where i would show you the ring and tell you that even though were having a Rough Patch right now, that i loved you and i wanted to do everything i can to prove it to you.

But you Had other plans didnt you?

God i can still feel my heart when I saw pictures of you and Him....I dont know how to Describe how Painful it was to see. It was only Feb, and you were already with someone else? Posting Valentines Shit? I cried for hours, I begged for you not to be like the others, To just leave me for Someone Else so Fucking Fast, like i was Nothing to you.

But thats how it went down, though. Didnt it?

Friends for over 5-6 Years, Lovers for 2.

I couldnt even get a goodbye.....Just a Text. Was that all i was worth, to you?

You got with him within Weeks of Dumping me. Yet your Tumblr youre heartbroken and sad. It was like i had Entered into some NIghtmare.

within the First Two Weeks, I dropped four Hits of Acid at Once. I wanted to Escape. Instead i jumped right into it. I see you posting on Tumblr. Sad, Depressing things. Your Tags show how you deleted the texts from your phone, even though you didnt want to. How you could literally see in your texts of your declining Affection for me. In the end, It was my own doing.

With the Courage of Acid, I messaged you. I ask if your okay, and you ask why, like i dont see your posts, like i dont possibly know why you could be feeling so sad. Even then, at the end, you couldnt be honest with me.

I ask you Maria cant we please Talk?

You say About what? Like you thought i was stupid.

And thats when i just finally, for the first time, although Far too Late. I opened up to you.

I remember Anatomy.

I Remember You At Barros that Day

I Remember Air Hockey at the Arcade.

I remember The Birthday Gift.

The Words poured out then like they do now, The Spark you set in my Heart was the most important thing to me.

Whatever i needed to do to make it work, no matter what, just please dont give up on me.....

You may as well as shot me dead with your reply.

“if you had said that before, things would be Completely different.”

“saying it Now doesnt Mean Much to me now”

Those words still Haunt Me, A Year Later. And it is not even the worst to come.

You Had the verdict long before i even knew. You Found my “dating Profile” Online, and didnt say anything. just let it stew inside you. As we grew apart it hurt to see you just blatantly ignore my messages. So i used that profile to look at women, nothing else. It was only on My Birthday i Night i Made a Mistake i Will Regret forever. Maria wasnt there, she was with her friends. she didnt want to come here, or answer my texts. she chose to be with my friends. I was always the girls’ Second Choice. I got Drunk. I got Upset. I wanted Petty Revenge. I cheated. I Dont even Remember her Name or what she really looked like. Never should have done it.

A month Passes. March. I ask to still be friends, and how i missed you. We start talking again, almost like how it used to be. Tagging each other in posts again.But i also See him. Concerts, posts, tags. It tore me apart. Some Days i would wake up at 4 AM from my alarm for work, and Your Face would be the first thing i see in my head. The Tears would flow before i could even open my eyes for the first time. I try to get you to meet up with me, so we can talk. After i opened up that night you agreed we should talk. Then you just changed your mind....You Said give it time, walk the path, smell the Roses, and maybe we can start again...

My heart is Pumping like a cannon as i go into detail for Isaiah, how i became a madman, was so motivated by the mere notion that MAYBE there was a CHANCE we could work it out later. I couldnt be stopped. I drank Nothing but Water, ate only Chicken, Raw Veggies, Salmon and Fish, and cut out ALL sugar and breads. I dropped 30 pounds in a Month, and was in great shape for a fight at the gym i trained at. I would watch these Inspirational videos everymorning at 3 AM, just to run for an hour. I posted everything on Snapchat, Only Because i Wanted Maria to see it. I was so Optimistic...

April 2016.

Family Vaction in Mexico. A week with a private beachfront Villa and as much Booze as i can drink. i go in with Gusto. The Villa Has Wifi, can keep up with your posts.tagged me in some. Then the posts about him.

I hated how it made me feel to read them. He had what i wanted for us. Our own Place. Just Us. and a Dog.

He took My Place and it Ate me Alive from the Inside.

I stayed up all night, drinking tequila by the shot, playing Toro Y moi and Chain smoking. I watched the reflection of the moon dance on the waves, and thought of you. When i hear the Ocean, and nights when the Moon is Large and Beautiful, i think of you.

I Broke that night......

I knew there was no Path, no flowers to smell.

There was no Second Chance.

I Lost her.

And i couldnt get her back. She didnt want me anymore.

she wants someone else now, and when i Think about it I have to imagine Flames burning the thoughts away.

I guess after that night, i lost my motivation, i Wised up.

And i knew i had to come clean to you. It was the hardest thing i ever did.

It hurts so much still, looking back. Im So sorry...

Even after i hurt you that day, i still saw a sliver of you come through your walls.

I begged for you in time to forgive me, and over time we could be friends again. Let me earn back your trust, understand i made a Terrible Mistake and im willing to do anything to make it work.

Most people would have told me to go to hell and never talk to them again.

But not you. Not even then.

You Said, “ Maybe in time i will forgive you. maybe i wont. Depends on how i feel. for now you should make yourself scarce.”

I was stunned,,,those words hung on me for months after. Did you really mean that, Maria?

And that was the last time i heard from you for awhile...i remember Breaking down at work....The Silence hurt the most. No Texts, No Posts, Nothing.

Not only did i lose the woman i Love, I lost a dear Friend as well...

When i Returned home, i Quit Training, I quit the fight, I quit Dieting. That deep, Dark Hole you brought me out of, Maria.....when i saw you that day....I went Right Back in.

since May 2016 i was in a hole that i could not get out of. sure, i made it look like i was living the life on snapchat, but in reality, on the inside, i was so broken. Then Life Decided to kick me while i was down, and Took my Bonnie away from me. As if it couldnt get worse. My Brother and I Bawled as they put her to sleep. I was so fucking Lost.....

So i texted the one person who maybe might put up with my Bullshit....You.

and you were nice, you coulda kicked me when i was down and wouldve been justified. But you heard me out....More of that Real you shining through.

It is 4 AM now. i have spent all night telling this story to Isaiah, who has listened intently this whole time.

I tell him how after the months of Bonnies Death, I just didnt leave the house. Tried my Best to leave you be and not see shit that would kill me on the inside. The days became Quiet and Lonely. your presence in Tumblr becomes less and less active.

I hardly see you or your posts anymore...

i harden my heart and try move on.

Then i see your posts about your health. the doctor scare, Lupus.

I felt so bad, and worried i wanted to see if you were okay, even though i knew you hate my guts.But i worried and Worried and finally said fuck it and just sent a message saying i heard what youre going through, im sorry, i hope you get better soon, if you need anything, please ask

I wasnt expecting a Response, Yet you sent one : Thanks for Caring.

couldnt expect more than that, so i leave it be.

That Night, Maria makes a post.

Its About me.

My heart jumped into my throat and got stuck. My hands shook as i held my phone.

I didnt completely erase you out of my life.

i still think about you, from time to time.

Thank you for texting me today.

thank you for still caring about me.

Despite the shit i post on here, I still Care about you too.

And No its not the drugs Talking.

I read and Re-Read that post thousands of times in the following months. On Bad Days, Days where i wanted to give up. I read that post and it kept me going. First time reading it i Cried for hours. It was as if God heard a prayer.

To see you say that you still cared.....you will never know what that did. how that felt for me. Even Now it makes me tear up.

My heart didnt hurt as much after that, it healed some of it. I was always confused with Maria. One moment she says she cares, then comes off as your nothing to her. i never knew which was which.

and now, as the year came to face my Birthday again. There was only one thing i wanted. truly wanted. and if i got it, getting nothing else from anybody wouldnt even fucking matter.

I just wanted you to say Happy Birthday.

I didnt think you would. i thought you would have moved on by now, enjoying youre new life with him. I couldnt bleed about it any longer. i took the pieces of my heart and piece it back together again. i began to accept reality. and the pain began to dull.

NOV. 20th 2016

Saturday.

Woke up Early and went out to the woods to do some shooting. all day there. Head back for some Missouri BBQ, and get ready to get Blackout drunk Tonight. Night Goes well, Got trashed, had fun, Fought a couple dudes, enjoyed myself.

Got back to Devins Late that night. Eat Chocolate BDAY cake drunk.

Head off for bed. I sit on the edge of the bed and look at the time. 9:40 PM

She isnt gonna say it. Oh well.

go to your blog to lookup your post to make me feel better.

Read the words, smile and Remember. Pain Begins to set in.

back out of tags to leave, see another tag you never seen before.

“C and I”

click tag link.

Heart Explodes in my Chest, Breath Frozen in throat.

Its a picture. of us. Smiling.

the Caption Read:” I know i have trouble expressing my emotions and feelings and stuff but this guy right here means the world to me. Hes sweet, caring and Funny and---”

I couldnt read the Rest. I began to Cry Non Stop, Like someone Just Told Me my mother was Murdered.

I couldnt stop it, couldnt control myself. The pain was so much. Each one more painful to look at. How did i never see them? How??

I couldnt do it anymore. I couldnt keep taking the pain of it. I deserved to be Happy too..

its been two months since that day.

its been over a year since i last seen you with my own eyes, heard your voice....

And now we reach the end of this story. i force myself to block out the memories, remember nothing.

I have to move on with my life....

and yet....after saying all that Isaiah, which After i had finished, 8 hours had passed. 8 hours i poured out my soul. such a weight had been lifted, it felt so good for someone to hear me out...

so i finish this sad story, and Isaiah asks me one question: How do you feel about her now?

I stayed quiet for a good amount of time. i mulled it over. every memory. Good. the Bad. The Ugly. and i finally settled upon:

I miss her, Isaiah. Not like a lover misses his spouse, but like a friend who helped another Grow.

I hope to see you again one day, Maria.

#m #personal #tldr #my soul

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allthatwehear · 5 years

Text

i want to tell him how much i love him

why do you love someone who hurts you? we all make mistakes. we all make an abundance of mistakes. we all say things we don’t mean--but truly, is that ever science? i think most outbursts have some meaning to them; i learned this when i screamed at luke in the car. i meant when i said then; he meant what he said, too.

he told me i was still his bestfriend. he said he didn’t realize how hard it was going to be to leave for study abroad, for him. yeah, it was harder than he thought to be away from me. then why would he say all those outbursts? what am i supposed to do? i told him, “i don’t know what to believe, the first or second phone call,” and i was telling the truth.

i called tim lipps. he told me he thought luke’s second call was stalling. he thought it was weird that luke would tell your partner all these things. he said he sided with me. and it felt good to hear luke’s friend say how weird that was. and i’ve been wondering what it means to listen to the whisper. I’ve tried to find many opportunities to be alone so that if God speaks to me, he would. but almost every morning--screw that, it could be any time of the day--i bunch over and cry. i feel frail and weak; i actually have never felt so physically ill before, i’m serious. i weigh like, 120-125 pounds and i think i’m nearly 5″8--that probably bad, right? my spine is like, protruding from my back and i can feel my shoulders ache almost every day. i wake up and my head is heavy and i’m tired all the time, i could legitimately lay in bed for hours. i feel asleep yesterday and it’s hard for me to stay up. it’s hard for me to be out of the house. but i like to be alone. i like to either be with daniel and mom, or i like to be alone.

i sat outside with juge to eat breakfast and that was really nice. we talked about her coding class and trying to find a loan and i was really proud of her. i also felt really connected to her. i’m proud of who she is, regardless of if she is changing herself. i think in a way, we are all just wondering who we are. maddie, jay, me--we are all just grappling at strings, trying to tug until we find that buried self--buried with caroline. she took us with her in the grave and it was the death of us. i don’t blame juge for wanting to change. i don’t blame anyone who thinks they might need to run away because the pain is too strong. i know what it looks like to not be emotionally strong enough to leave someone who probably deserves for you to leave--i side with them now, i get it now--i get why maddie doesn’t feel strong enough to be without someone. because once you get a taste for someone who can hold you close, who can touch you and bring physical warmth and strong arms to your aching bones, i get why you wouldn’t want to let that go. i get why you couldnt--because the alternative is too dang hard. because we are too weak and we have been made to ache, endlessly, because our caroline left us. and maybe we would be stronger people but right now all i can say is--i understand.

i understand thinking you can work with what you have; actually, choking down pills, maybe changing yourself a little bit, to make it work; because you just can’t see it any other way. i’m getting stronger, though. and i realize that luke is young, very very young. and i am precious. and really, really bad ass and cool. i’ve been through a lot of shit. and i think it’s my turn to turn around and shape myself. i think it’s okay to change when you need to. i think it’s okay to drop a few friends, hideout at home just so you can breathe, stare outside because no thoughts will reach your mind. i think it’s okay to listen to stranger things music because that show makes you inspired/feel something like no other--i think it’s okay to wear his sweatshirt when you wake up. i think it’s okay not to speak to him, and to belt out the music you wish he could hear you saying--i think i’m finally clean, rain came down and washed it away--i’m like a rubber band until you pull too hard. i’ve got an elastic heart.

until you pull too hard. and maybe he pulled too hard. and maybe now i can’t trust him, maybe i can’t see him the same--from this sweet, little boy who adored me--happened to be the one that hurt me the most? it’s delirious. it’s deceptive. it’s, mind-boggling, really. i remember the way he looked at me, sitting under the table in that hand-made fort thing we made, naiively thinking we would sleep there cause we just wanted to be together. i was leaving and susy was beside me and he was staring at me. i mean, staring. and then when we biked he started rubbing my hand to warm it up, and he wouldn’t stop rubbing it and i felt so peaceful and so hopeful and stared out at the water from gas works. i don’t think i even remember that bike ride back to the school. i remember rushing back into luke’s car to go find his phone, cause he left it, and the whole time i wished amy wasn’t in the back so we could talk about how much we liked each other. and i remember the red lights on his face, when we stood on the fremont bridge on our first date to fremont. he admitted later when i asked him if he was contemplating kissing me then; he was but he thought it was too early, too. i remember going to the art museum, i remember holding his hand in rimsky’s. i remember the way he looked at me at the rocky mountain church; someone mentioned how there are weddings held in there, and he looked right at me. actually, was staring right at me. and i felt like he was imagining us in that church, getting married: actually i’m pretty sure that’s what he was thinking, there was an undeniable look in his eye. and now that church holds a special place in my heart. but hah, would he ever sit down and write these things about me?

i kinda want to be free again. i kinda want to be independent again. i kinda want to shed a layer and be really adventurous and indulge myself in really risky, ridiculous things that mean i stay up all night and im going crazy doing stuff--because fuck i’m young? why do i have to settle into being so old already? fuck i want to try new things! i want to jump off the fremont bridge, i want to stay up all night driving to somewhere and wake up, bleary eyes staring out at the sunrise, listening to billy joel or some shit, some old tunes. i want to find like-minded people like that. i want to live so crazy that i’m exhausted from doing so many things. i want to be the cool girl, with the beanies and the camera. maybe film; yeah, i like film. i want to be the one always hungering to go out and try something new--adventure off a ways and explore. listen to some old stuff. idk, i just wanna live. i want to stop crying all the time. i want to stop banking on him messaging me, or saying goodnight, or saying goodmorning. i don’t care anymore. i dont want to care anymore. i want to unplug, destress. hands off, let’s go. i’m off social media for awhile. maybe stop watching tv until i get home. i kinda want to dance in the mountains to some hipster music, i want to make someone laugh and date a mountain man. i want him to scoop me off my feet and carry me around, romantic-style. i want him to be so infatuated by me that he just wants to hear everything about me. he can’t get enough of me. he has light eyes and he stares into mine, concentration unbroken. i want him to watch stranger things with me and be super fashionable and cute. i want him to love jesus and to pray with me when im crying. he’s older than me, and he’s been through a few things. but he’s infatuated with me, and i have no doubts about how he feels. maybe he’s a little taller.

why is heartbreak so hard? you can’t change a person. they are just who they are. maybe we can see when luke gets back--but if i have any strong inclination towards letting go, then i will. i’ve been in so much pain. so much more pain than reassurance. i can’t wait to start school. i can’t wait to start learning things again; to start feeling inspired and happy again. to put my mind towards studying and just distracting myself from the pain. i think luke held me back in some ways. maybe i head myself back in some ways. maybe marta was right--it was just bad timing. what is that gentle, yet fierce, whisper.

is it, be fierce? love yourself fiercely--be fierce? what’s that--i deserve happiness? and fun? and to feel like a child? what’s the rush to grow up about, the focus so much on the future? why not think about the PRESENT

i want him to love all the quirks about me, man. so head over heels in love with me

ya lost me, and unless there’s some sort of miracle, and you decide that you are head over heels for me? idk man, i.d.k.

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