#I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED I CANNOT BE NORMAL ABOUT THIS IM SO FUCKING SORRY
Text
SO NEW SEASON HUH?! :^)
not that it was any secret to anyone alive ever but i really love this show so i HAD to draw something to celebrate season 2 dropping tonight ♥
#HELLOOOOOOOOOO SEASON 2#I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED I CANNOT BE NORMAL ABOUT THIS IM SO FUCKING SORRY#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#god okay#im good#anyways#tags hi hello#beavis and butthead#beavis and butthead fanart#beavis#butthead#digital art#michiart
164 notes
·
View notes
Text
Until it doesn't hurt
kaz brekker x fem!reader
summary:betrayal leaves some wounds behind, but even more questions when you can't figured out from whom it really came from.
warnings: violence, cursing
type: fluff
part: 12/13
previous part: part 11
masterlist
a/n: please, please, PLEASEEUHH im SO SO SORRY! it has been almost a FUCKING YEAR SINCE THE LAST CHAPTER?! HELLO?! WHO TF DO I THINK I AM? i need to keep myself in line cuz this aint normal! i have been hiatus for soo long i need to pull it together. anywayy, its finished finally. its long ahh hell and im gonna be working on another part immediately so it wont be another 50 years dw. dont mind any grammar mistakes, english is not my first language and i have written one half of this in 2023, so i really dont feel like redoing it lol. i dare you if you can recognize where exactly i picked this draft up again. anyway, pleasee enjoy!!
also, sike, its not the last part hehe, there will be part 13 AND an epilogue
taglist (hi yall :'))
@chickencouncilrep
@venomsvl
@happy-nico
@twlegit
@ravenmedows
@blathena
She had lost again.
That would be the third time tonight. Her change was getting thin and she predicted it would take one more game before she had to go kill someone for free again. So much for making a ton of money with this job. The girl watched her opponent spoon the coins from the table with one hand, laughing: "One more game and I'll have to dig up another grave, Y/N." Others laughed, so she wasn't the only one thinking that after all. It was logical, she really had to stop playing with grown men, they wasted away their old nights playing poker at this very table and she had other, young people things to do. It would be wise to get up and leave, no one would judge her for that. They would maybe even cheer her on, finally making a rational decision, no one ever seen that before when it came to her. Yet the thought of doing so was being blocked by a high indestructable wall, one that never goes away and will only be built higher.
If she does leave, she has to go home.
Her mother is probably fast asleep already, it is possible she could go to bed unnoticed and leave early in the morning. This option she used very little as Y/N never wanted to come back there. A year ago, after her mother left her blood soak through the wooden floor, Y/N made promise into her scars that she will never lay eyes on mother again. She successed in that for a year so far, becoming a hitman that was quite infamous in town. But her fame started growing from mockery, as she was really addicted to poker.
Her eyes gazed on Tim, the cemetary worker, the buryer as she liked to call him. He was one of the granpas at this table, but one of the peaceful people in town. He never wanted her to kill, just to help him with his work, although Y/N hated it more than the murders, she didn't like the aftermath of her work. Tim, being satisfied, started organizing the coins on the table. No, she cannot go home tonight.
"So what's it gonna be, kid?" asked the other player, Miyka. Her green eyes stared on Y/N's face, her wrinkles scrunched in excitment. Oh, how she hated all of them. The girl faked thinking about it before tossing dramatically her last money onto the table. "I bet 20." It didn't sound as good when she started that low, but it was all she had left. Intstead of the usual giggle and witty lines and jokes they threw her way before following up on her bad choices, they sighed, almost in dissapointment. It frustrated her, it seemed like they cared what she does instead of what amount of money she holds. It seemed like they cared about her. A wave of fear pushed her like a tsunami at this thought. People that cared ended up hating her, hurting her.
"What!" she snapped. Miyka looked at Lios, her brother, in concern, while Tim silently reorganized his coins. She looked around the table, frown getting deeper and frustration blooming wider. What was wrong with them. "Well, Y/N" Lios began, "We are just kinda...worried about you. That's all." Miyka took the word next- her previous question has been an obvious tease, the girl was dissapointed. "You clearly have nowhere to go, so you are spending your time here which is.... we get it, but." She sighed, trying to find the right words. "It's not good." Tim helped her and smiled at Y/N as if it would calm her. It did not in fact, she felt more and more anxious about their care, anxious situations made her angry. She wondered why she didn't kill them all instead of those free targets, she would never have to pay another debt again, because there would be no poker players left to play and her addiction would dissapear. "So that's it, huh? You ain't gonna play because you are scared I could actually win?" she said in her defense. Nonsense, she knew, but her heart was sweating and she was glad it didn't blow up yet. "We just care, Y/N, that-"
"Care?! Remind me Lios of just how many people I killed for you, then talk about caring for someone's life!" she spat as she stood up. Lios was more than content to her way of paying, she had no idea why he apparently cared when he could have another enemy at his feet if he just played one more game. Miyka tried to calm her down, touching her hand softly only for Y/N to flinch, hard. Her vision began to blur, the floor shook beneath her and sweat poured on her face. It was like the room was on fire, but she was the only one feeling it. Other people at the pub, being entertainted by the game or simply just hanging ot there, looked worried, some even disturbed by her behaviour.
What was happening to her?
She leaned on the table with her palms, the wood trying to ground her as she closed her eyes to not feel theirs. Voices of the players echoed her head as sounds in a cave and they felt distant, but still could make her more nervous with their caring attitude. They soon fell in whispers, driving her insane. Then, she caught one voice that silenced all the muttering, it was clear, quiet yet she felt as if its breath was in her ear. "Why play, when you can take a life for the exact amount of money laying on this table?"
She recognized the voice, it belong to the fourth player, Haltt. His voice was known only in the game. Hearing him say a sentence was unusual and therefore very powerful. It was deep, low, hard. It had authority and respect and it didn't need to ask for it. He had everyone's attention, he controlled the room with only his silent voice.
Y/N's eyes looked into his dark ones, she had to find them in the shadows floating around him, as if he commanded to them as well. "What are you saying?" she asked carefully, not knowing why. Haltt observed the table, his salt-and-pepper- although more salt than pepper- short beard surrounding his mouth as it counted the cash, then let out a little chuckle that brought goosebumps to everyone close to him. "920 Neredi. Being a hitman, a respectful hitman, would make this amount your pocket change." He grabbed the rest of her money she threw on the table and looked over to Tim. The buryer shook his head hesitantly, knowing what Haltt wants to do, but all it took was the man's neutral gaze for Tim to fold. Y/N watched him slowly scooping the money and anger took over. She pinned his hand to the table, not looking away from his face. She could hear people drawing breaths in fear, but she was free from all the anxiety now, she was grounded by his scary presence, she liked it even.
Haltt's head slowly turned to her direction, his eyes creating a straight path to hers, his eyebrows climbing up as he said softly: " You want this?" When she didn't respond, he stood up, took her hand off of his gently, not letting go as his freed hand reached behind his back, pulling out a gun. She observed quickly, it was an older model, it was small and only one bullet fit into it- however she knew a man like Haltt would only ever need one bullet- he then rotated her hand and placed it in her palm. He released her only when she seized it. Y/N let her hand warm the handle before looking up at Haltt again. "Then go make it." he finished his statement and sat back down in the shadows. Y/N checked the inside of the gun and she confirmed her knowledge about it.
She scoffed. "One bullet" Haltt nodded as if he answered to her statement. "That's all you need, I know your skills." his glass clincked when his rings touched it, raising it to his lips. She waited until he drank the remainings of his whiskey, having the suspision he might continue. "You kill the target, you'll get double of this." Her surprise was voiced by everyone around her, gasping and unbelievably whispering. Lios looked at Haltt, telling him he cannot do this. But Haltt only looked at her. "No one here wants you to play. You made them care, something a hitman shouldn't do." She squeezed her free hand into a fist, knowing his eyes are reading her like cards on the table. He leaned in: "Take your reputation back, make them fear you instead." he said quietly and it seemed only she heard it. He retreated back into his seat, letting her simmer in his words.
She knew people stopped perceiving her as a threat, a force to be reckon with, a fearful killer, and started to look at her as a 15 year old that sometimes threw tantrums. People smiled at her, old men laughed at her when they drank beer at the bar, as if she was their granddaughter doing silly things. Once, she was feared, but now she behaved like an old woman trapped inside a teenage body with gambling addiction and alcoholism. Everyone treated her as a kid she never was, but Haltt seemed to remember who she was 6 months ago, to trust her potential, her skills she never lost, but used them to not drown in debts, not to her job. She suddenly became so connected to him, she was hypnotized. The sound of the chatty room blurred again as she explored the gray ocean behind Haltt's eyes. He let her, grinning as he watched her back straighten and her nose breathing in deeply. Then came the question:
"Who is the target?"
Halt's smile stabbed through his cheeks as he answered.
-----------------------------------------------
Inej didn't allow herself a break until she got the that exact building Y/N told her to. She was nervous to say the least. If everything goes right, Pekka Rollins will be dead. It was unbelievable to even think about. The moonlight caressed her back and the salty wind danced around her in excitment. Ketterdam is cheering for them, it will be better off without Rollins. She thought of ways how to carve his heart out, she wanted to make a heart-shaped hole, but it was too complicated making the curves, it would take too long and she didn't want him to die before she was finished. She needed something quick, but symbolic. After all, when the stadwatch will find his body, her work should be admired. Or Deln's work, she hated he will take credit for it, but it's definitely for the best.
Soon, the spider heard two sets of footsteps beneath her. She looked down carefully, confirming it's Y/N. In the dark, she couldn't much see her 'friend', but she could feel the disgust and fear Y/N had from above, suspecting he might not be an actual friend after all. Another secret of hers she wished to uncover after this is over. The way Jesper talked about this girl is riling up an interest in her. She wanted to get to know her better, her fate might not much differ from her own and she would like to hear her story, she would like to see why Kaz seemed to hate her so much. She also hoped Y/N will stay with them after this. For Jesper's sake and maybe for Nina's nerves as she looked worried about her.
As Y/N dissapeared into the alley, Inej grabbed her knife, Sankt Petyr, that she sharpened moments before. The wind picked up and she stood motionlessly at the edge of the building. She watched lightened windows in the Smeet Residence, hoping no one will think about looking outside tonight. The house reminded her of one she encountered at the southern colonies of Novyi Zem. It was in a horrible shape compared to this, but it was a haven for the citizens there, they admired it like people in Ketterdam admire The Exchange. It was luxurious given the state of the land.
Her train of thought stopped before it reached a station, because her ears picked up a subtle voice, then a laugh. The sounds got louder as they slowly approached her. Rollins must be pretty nervous of the meet-up if he talked to himself, or he was not alone. A slight panic rose in Inej's chest and she prepared to make the uninvited dissapear. If Rollins truly had some company, she would have to wait until he saw Y/N to take it out, otherwise he might see her and change his mind. If we won't do it, somebody else will brought out fire in her stomach. The girl was right, if they won't try the lovely dessert of revenge, others might eat it whole with no crumbs left. She suspected Pekka is the main character in many unfinished death threats and planned out vengeances.
The Wraith took a deep breath as her eyes closed, slowing down her rapid heartbeat filled with excitment. When she opened them, the bright windows from the residence, along with the dimmed lights on the streets aluminated two beings walking. One was definitely the leader of one of the most dangerous gangs in Ketterdam.
And so was the other one.
She silently gasped, panicking again, her heartbeat picking up. What the fuck is Kaz doing here? And why was he bent over with Rollins' hand around his neck. Even though they were right across her, Inej was oblivious to their conversation- well, monologue if she was more accurate- because she was way too busy feeling the plan fall apart. This wasn't supposed to happen, Kaz was meant to know nothing and then just cheer and celebrate once they'd be done. Why did he always took matters into his hands?.
When she came back to reality, they were almost in the alleyway. The spider quickly followed them, never taking her eyes off of Kaz's helpless form. Her hands always gently grazed any surface she incountered, her feet always landing on the tips of her toes, her moves inspiring every ballerina in Kerch, yet now her hands were sliding off roughly and she had to bent her knees to make the landing silent. Her fear of her friend manipulated her body and she almost fell over the edge when the sharp turn of the building made an appearance, luckily she awokened from the feeling and stopped herself.
She was above the meeting place now.
On her right was Y/N with the strange man. Y/N was anxiously pacing around, obviously worried as they all were, even the man next to her who stood still as a pole was taking almost unseeable shuttered breaths. When the girl faced her direction, Inej wanted to warn her of the unexpected turn of events, but she wouldn't be seen anyway. As it turned out though, she also wouldn't have the time to catch her attention in time as the target slowly showed up on her left side, Kaz still in his grasp. Up close she could see the knife he held to his neck, already cut into the flesh. The man on her right stopped breathing and tried to hide his widened eyes, Rollins smirked as he saw him, shaking his head in disbelief. But the tension really sparked up when Y/N finally saw them, her eyes instantly digging into Kaz, while his were already screaming at her. Only two words bound them all together as they appeared on every present mind.
Oh fuck.
---------------------------------------------
Silence started perhaps being uncomfortable for Deln, yet Y/N only cared about the boy 5 meters in front of her. He wore blood, a lot of blood. His face showed bruises for every Barrel rat and every drop of blood that fell next to his feet tore a piece of her heart. But the worst thing was his expression, it was no longer hateful, nor angry. His eyes sinked into her and they washed her with almost a relief-like feeling, like he was happy to see her, or maybe upset to see her here, in a dangerous street that will be painted red by more than one person. His gaze was soft, almost pleading her to either run away or get closer to him.
He was worried.
"I told you to come alone if my memory is still serving right." Deln began the conversation, dragging both of their attention to him. He earned a chuckle from Rollins and a response as he squeezed Kaz's neck, straightening him up: "Well, I thought I might get the lovebirds back together, eh?" The knife retreated back to his pocket, revealing a red line on the boy's neck. Y/N allowed herself to let one tear roll down her cheek as an apology to him. Pekka must have kidnapped him, because there was no other explanation on why was he present. Deln was confused, he didn't know Dirtyhands as far as she knew, nor about her time with Hertzoon. "Aw, look at 'em, already pining for each other." Rollins mocked and pushed Kaz off of his hand. Y/N had a hard time keeping it together.
Deln sighed annoyingly and the hitman was glad he kept the plan on track. It was hard to admit he was actually a big help to her. "Whatever, let's talk business shall we? It's cold tonight. Don't wanna be out late." he said offered and Rollins laughed in his face again: "What, gotta read the slaves a goodnight story?" If she wasn't still in shock from Kaz, the plan would skip to the killing part very quickly. "Well, not anymore since you took 'em all away, didn't you." the slaver stated and wiped the smile off of Pekka's face quickly. Y/N had to admit he played the role she made for him perfectly and let the conversation rest in his hands, as she continued to worry silently about the bloodied boy.
The Dime Lions' leader seemed to get upset about Deln's forwardness, he probably thought he could talk his way out of it with his disturbing charm. He put his hands on his hips and shrugged. "It ain't my problem you keep 'em in a dirty warehouse. I offered them a room with a comfortable bed and good money if they were willing to smile. That ain't no crime, lad."
"I'm not interested in your architectural opinion on my slave-keeping. I am upset you stole my property." Y/N was very invested in the conversation she almost forgot her role was against Deln. Her tied hands turned him to her side by the shoulder and pierced him with her eyes. "Don't speak of them like that." she warned and he simpy scoffed her off. It wasn't much, she must admit, but it was enough to voice her stand in this matter. "HA! And what do you think you'll be after we're done here? You will be lucky if I allow you to work in my brothel." the last sentence was a warning, he could be so much cruel to her, like he was in his house. She was present finally, all worry stepped aside to make space for the anger she held and the focus she held earlier tonight sat back down on her mind.
"You won't touch her."
Ready to speak, Y/N was taken aback by his raspy voice with scary undertone. He spoke to her like that, not long ago. It was almost unreal he was defending her. As much as it brought shivers down her body, Rollins was unfazed by the threat. "You can barely stand, boy. What can you possibly do to me." he stated the obvious and continued once he looked her way again. "Besides, she really isn't worthy of your protection." He put one foot in front of the other slowly, walking over to her. She was on alert, if she had the opportunity, she wouldn't wait anymore and strangle him with her tired hands and her desire to dig his grave. He stopped few steps from her and reached into his pocket again, pulling out something else than a knife this time. "Lost this?"
A thin, almost not visible in the dark, black string was held between his fingers. The bracelet she lost. The one Kaz gave her on the last day they saw each other. She lost it in Rollins' office. Her temptation to reach for it was unseen by Y/N as her first instinct was to look at Kaz, who also drowned in the vision of the string. She broke her promise, a childish one, sure, but it destroyed her still. It always served as a reminder of her failure. How she failed to warn him and Jordie, how she wrapped his heart around her finger without knowing it and allowed Hertzoon to shatter it. The girl promised herself to not mess up this promise, at least one thing she could keep. In the end, she lost it too.
How does she deserve to live after destroying all good in her life?
"Yeah, cruel isn't she? Do you really think she cares about you, or anyone for that matter?" he talked to Kaz that was still mesmerized by the sight in Rollins' hand. Deln was silently watching the scene, the situation out of his hands now, the plan off of track. "You don't know anything about her, boy-". " You're wrong." she interrupted him. He turned to her, waiting to elaborate, the string still lifted between his fingers as if he was trying to hypnotize them. "I told him everything." Y/N continued as she silently wished with the last bit of hope he would take the bait. He didn't:
"Everything, eh?" he echoed as he turned his back on her and focused on Kaz fully. As he reached his personal space, his hand streched to him, giving him the bracelet. The boy fixated on it, swaying with the wind due to his trouble standing on the one good leg for this long. Rollins watched him closely, feeling Kaz's hand taking it almost immediately. When his coffee-like eyes reached his snake ones, Pekka uncovered Y/N's lie:
"Do you remember Ms. Hertzoon?"
---------------------------------------------------------
"...You what?"
"Don't you dare be offended, you manipulated her and then left us. You're as bad as I am."
That made them punch her strongly in the stomach. Funny, Rollins wanted to watch her suffer, but was too lazy to torture her himself. They were on this for 2 hours now, or she at least thought so, she couldn't tell if the ringing was only in her ears. Rollins had her sit on a chair and then asked questions. The first were stupid and simple, almost like a small talk: Did she rob him, why is she back, when did she get back, etc. She earned 5 different punches in this round. Then the latter began. They wanted to know what happened after the con trick- as he called it- which resulted in her split lip and first blood drawn. Then another small talk, remembering all their time together and then, the truth. "Where is your mother?" it began and ended in countless of other painful things she couldn't be bothered to remember.
"How." he almost whispered, it was so dramatic that Y/N would laugh if she wasn't wheezing with every breath. "Oh, please. Like you care." she fully expected the hit for that one, though it still hurt like hell. "How!" he ordered her and watched her grow a grin with her painted-red mouth. She could still feel the little gun in her little hand, standing at the foot of her mother's bed. She watched her sleep for a moment before she truly aimed. Haltt was right, it did get back her reputation. He gave her the money and she counted every single coin to make sure it really was doubled. Fortunately, he was an honest man.
"One bullet was all it took."
To say she regretted it would be a lie, the biggest one in history maybe. She second-guessed it on her way home, sure, but she more doubted Haltt's promise than her actions. However, once she really saw her mother's chest rise and fall, nothing was easier than to pull the trigger. If she was a monster in her eyes, she would become one in her memory.
"YOU FUCKING BITCH!" was the last thing she heard from him, then her ears were filled with ringing and also pain when her nerves couldn't take it anymore. Everything went dark after a while, she was sure she couldn't breath and her eyes zipped themselves tightly, but even though she lost consciousness, she was sure she never stopped smiling while it lasted.
-----------------------------------------------
He always suspected some part of her story was left out, it would be unwise to tell him everything and she was not stupid. While Kaz did predict that something happened with the mother, he didn't expect this. He answered her eyes as they asked for connection and tried to assure them of his unchanged opinion. So what? He also done horrible things, they all have, especially Rollins. Such a hypocrite, that man. When he finished re-telling the story of Y/N's torture, he retreated from the boy's space, fortunately for him, because Kaz would have no hesitation in twisting Pekka's neck. Everything was silent for a while, the wind whispered cold around them as they all studied each other. Kaz looked at the building's roof next to them, seeing only darkness, but feeling her presence. He hoped that whatever Y/N planned to do with Inej would be useful. And what did he know, maybe this situation is going extremely well for them.
"Well, that is truly shocking, but unfortunetely, Y/N's dead mom won't solve this conflict. So let's solve it ourselves, shall we?" The slaver spoke and grabbed the girl next to him by the bicep, dragging her with him closer to Rollins. Kaz took a small, unnecessary step forward as a move to help her. Seeing Deln's hand on her made the water rise around him, he could feel her discomfort and felt it himself. They stopped and he threw the girl in front of him lightly, so she wouldn't fall, but aggressively enough, so she would sway. "Pay me for the slaves and she's yours, as promised." the boy's fist turned white at that, wishing he could hang Deln's organs at the lamppost. "Hmmm" groaned Rollins in thinking. "How much do ya want?"
"3000 kruge."
"Pardon?"
Deln rolled his eyes. "It was 100 slaves you stole from me, every slave is expensive and believe me, I'm giving you a discount right now." Rollins nodded at his explanation. At this point, Kaz thought about getting out of there. He was being ignored and would be forgotten in a while. Rollins couldn't see him, Deln could, but he doubted he would care. However, she could too, and his heart radiated an unfamiliar feeling at the thought of dissapearing without Y/N. If this situation happened with anyone else, he'd be already at the Slat, drinking shots and drowning in silence of his room. Dirtyhands planned the escape, Kaz refused to go through with it. He refused to leave her. "Alright, alright. How about this." Rollins spoke his thoughts. "I'll give you half of what they make me from now on and if you ever wander in the Sweet Shop, you won't have to pay." Deln was silent, but he was clearly concidering it.
"Huh? Sounds good?" Smiling Pekka streched out his hand and waited for a handshake. Every set of eyes watched Deln's movement, from his step closer, closer to Rollins, closer to Y/N, until he squeezed Pekka's hand, reflecting his expression. "That's a deal, then." said the robber. "Deal." said the slaver. Kaz didn't know what that meant and from the girl's face, he could tell the confusion was shared. Although, he truly realized this wasn't part of their plan after Deln quickly reached for Y/N's belt with the same hand that just closed a deal, pulling out a small gun, one that could barely fit a bullet, and aiming it at the hitman. She was frightened, taking steps back, but she didn't got very far when Deln grabbed her by the collar, holding her close to his body.
"Like mother like daughter."
He was instantly on the move, as fast as he could, trying to prevent what was about to happen. The bullet was faster though. Before hearing the gunshot, they heard Deln's scream. Y/N felt to the ground and Kaz was at her side immediately. His eyes panicking, trying to find the wound while his heart sounded the alarms and awakened fear. Not like this. He couldn't lose her like this. He soon found the gunshot and without thinking threw his hands to press it down. They never made contact with it, Rollins' knife already found its way back to his neck, pulling him away from her. "You didn't think I forgot about you, did ya?" he laughed in his ear before Kaz threw his head back, hitting him in the nose. The grip got loose and he turned around, sending his anger and frustration in his fist. Rollins tumbled and he kicked him on the ground, getting him closer to the place he belongs.
Deln moaned in pain and the boy finally saw the reason. Below his bent over form, a puddle of blood formed and in it swam his thumb, right above Sankt Petyr. The corners of his mouth lifted a bit, he couldn't remember how did he survive all this time without Inej watching over him and the crows, it made him grateful she is back for now. His eyes were set to find Y/N again, but he only saw a red trace from where she laid. She must've gotten away. Good girl.
He couldn't follow her steps, because Rollins already got up from the cobblestones, ready to strike. He breathed heavily, supporting the place Kaz kicked him in with his hand. He couldn't understand why Rollins always came back into his life. He tried to avoid him all his time in Ketterdam, yet life always brought them together. Or death, he wasn't sure, maybe they were destined to destroy each other. Pekka Rollins was like a mosquito bite: itching to be noticed and when Kaz does so, he feels a brief satisfaction before the itch comes back and is worse than before. He was also as annoying. It needed to be finished right here and tonight
The boy braced himself and waited on the mosquito's move, straightening himself. Little did he know, the shadow from above already closed in on the man. Kaz watched as she kicked his knee from the back and caught his hair, stopping him from falling fully on the ground again. Sankta Lizabeta could be soon visible above his heart, the tip waiting to be pushed in. Only then, Dirtyhands quietly sighed in relief.
"He still can't do it without ya, huh? Tell me boy, when will you start being a man and do things on your own?" Rollins mocked them as he recognized the face, which currently held the future of his heartbeat. Kaz limped slowly closer, feeling Inej's eyes on him. He lowered his head once he entered Pekka's personal space dangerously deep. "When my brother will get his revenge in hell."
As soon as the menacing words reached Rollins, his lips twitched up at the sight of Sankta Lizabeta slowly painting an imaginery outline of the man's heart, being applauded by his blood-curling scream. Inej wasn't the one for torture, but he could see the bit of joy in her eyes and the relief on her face. She deserved to be the one that would free Ketterdam from this parasite and he let her have it, already searching for the bloody trail Y/N left behind.
His eyes alerted him when they caught it and he began to follow the path, slowly, limping as Deln's whines cheered him on.
------------------------------------------------------
The stars were with her, sometimes changing their position or widening in her eyes as they waited to claim her. Salty waterdrops tapped her tired legs, reminding her of where she sat. She imagined death many times, it wasn't unusual for someone in her profession. She remembered Tim talking about the peace that comes with it, saying it is kind, so it would be easier for the soul to leave the body. For her, it was obvious. Everything would be kinder than life. However, nothing could prepare her for the last moments. Y/N realized that no matter how much you imagine it, it will always surprise you. The knowing that this is the last time she is going to exist in wasn't something her brain could comprehend. Maybe that was the mystery death held, that was the fuel for the fear in others, not understanding until it was too late.
Wind played softly with her hair while it kissed the bruises of her now untied hands, and she tried hard to feel everything at the same time. The clothes touching her skin, the numbness in her feet, her shaky breath as it entered and left her system, but mostly, she tried to memorize the pain in her stomache and the bullet inside her body. It was an intense feeling, so she wanted to feel it as much as possible, before it would fade and with it her heart.
The hitman got hit.
This is how her victims probably felt. She brought this feeling to numerous lives. Her mother felt this way too. Y/N couldn't decide if dying felt good or disgusting, but she could be certain it was lonely. Even if people surrounded her, it wouldn't be better. It was an experience for her soul, no one from the outside could empathize.
She wondered where her grave would lay as the slow footsteps got closer. Y/N heard him limp next to her and it seemed like the stars noticed him too, because they stopped moving once he sat down, as though they only wanted to be seen by her. He was visibly tired, still bleeding from his neck.
Maybe he was feeling the final presence too.
Maybe her starts would take them both.
Silence and the waves crashing made the space between them comfortable, maybe too comfortable for her liking. His breath was disrupting hers as it naturally tried to match the rhythm. The moment became so peaceful, she almost forgot about their history. It felt like nothing happened between them, they were just kids, sitting by the port, watching stars and listening to the ocean. They weren't Dirtyhands and Saskia. They weren't the Bastard of the Barell and Snowflake.
They were Y/N and Kaz. As they were always meant to be.
"Do you believe in faith?"
It felt like yesterday since he asked her that question. Every shared memory of them felt so close to her now, as if time was all messed up. Maybe death was already doing its job. Kaz was taking his time with the answer, breathing heavily, as if the air had to fill his words first before she could hear them.
"Yes...I do."
He exhaled, his low empty voice responding. Her lips lifted into a messy smile, her muscles were losing their power all over her body, but that didn't stop her from reaching into her coat and pulling out a folded, bloodied paper that her fingers swiftly grabbed from her slaver's back pocket before he could shoot her. It was almost bizzare, how a small, easily rippable piece made her revisit the demons of the past. She wondered if Deln wanted this all along. Maybe he wanted Rollins to kill her, so he could make his deal with him. Or maybe it was just faith, wanting to see how far she would go for a false sense of freedom.
"It doesn't mean anything." Y/N stated as she felt Kaz looking at the release paper. "I just needed proof that I'm not under anyone's influence anymore, but..." her eyes followed the ongoing waves. They looked like on a leash, as if someone released them, so they could explode onto the harbor's walls, only to pull them back again shortly after, reminding them they were still being controlled. It seemed torturous, humiliating. It looked like her. "...I will never be free of him."
Y/N couldn't look at the boy, even if his burning gaze could only be extinguished by an eye contact. He was right, she was a monster. She could see it now and she wouldn't hide from this fact. She would accept herself before her heart would stop singing. It was the least she could do with the very limited time, coming to terms with her own self.
The stars started moving again slowly as Kaz spoke: "He can't control you anymore..." His tone showed certainty. Inej had to claim her souvenir of revenge by now, but he still managed to squeeze out a scoff from the hitman. She couldn't believe he allowed himself to be so naïve. Rainbow won't repair the damage done by storm, same as killing Pekka Rollins won't erase his actions and the following conciquences. His influence made her do things beyond his leadership. It scarred her for life, and those scars bled onto others without the possibility to heal. She bled on him too. She killed his brother for fuck's sake.
"The things he caused precedes him." Y/N finally looked at Kaz, his eyes seemed to be glowing in her hallucinating mind. "I can't be changed." She whispered, knowing he would hear every single letter. The moon illuminated him perfectly. His features casted a soft look under its light and Y/N was glad this would be the appearence of him she would take to her grave. She was happy to become one of the stars that would continue to shine on him.
Suddenly, death seemed very pretty.
The girl saw his hand on hers before she could feel it. It was weirdly warm, even though he barely touched her. His eyes demanded her ears' attention as he spoke, slowly, so she could feel the words. "You don't need to be changed."
Her mind was confused. How could he even speak such things?
"I am a killer." she reminded him.
"Not by choice." he argued.
"I killed my own mother and enjoyed it." she was restless in making him hate her.
"Your mother's conciquences of her own actions." he dodged her attempt.
"I killed your brother." was when she knew she would win. It wasn't excusable. Nothing could possibly erase this from Kaz's mind, no apology was enough, she was certain. That was the reason she couldn't understand why Kaz's hand began to hold hers more tightly as his eyes studied the wound in her stomache, covered by her arm that desperately tried to prevent the blood from pouring out, but it became more and more hopeless. "You're dying and not doing anything about it." he aknowleged. Y/N smiled briefly, from pain and also from his slow understanding of her plan.
"I deserve it." she spoke weakly, every word felt heavy on her tongue and she was about to give in to their weight. He only observed her, as her body was slowly losing the ability to move, as her energy was being sipped by the waves below. It suddenly felt a bit scary for her, she was in the process of dying and it strangely ignited the last bit of her will to live.
Kaz did nothing, he only asked: "Why?" She looked at him, her eyes shooting fear. She guessed she would engage with every emotion before turning off. Maybe the nature granted this privilege to every person, so they would get to have the proper goodbye to their body.
"I never done anything good, I only brought pain." her lips responded, making Kaz nod slowly. Y/N gasped softly as the fear intensified. This feeling was unlike any before, like her life was slowly slipping through her body, through the wound. Her arm pressed tightly, as much as she could to slow down the inevitable, but it was too late. "Maybe it's time to change that." Kaz spoke. She wouldn't be able to change her ways if she died, the only thing she would remember about this life was how she made it difficult for everyone else.
Y/N sighed, death was almost touching her, heart was losing its music. She no longer felt the waterdrops on her legs and the stars dimmed their light. "It's too late."
The port beneath her began to sway, as if it would tip over to the ocean anytime. She gripped the concrete edge, slipping her hand from Kaz's to do so, trying to stop it from moving, only for it to sway more. She picked her eyes up at the sky, seeing only her five stars in the black treacle sky, as her body pushed closer to the waves.
Death awaited her.
Like those waves, Y/N was suddenly pulled back by someone's hands, feeling her body lift up from the port, supported in the air. Her form bounced with every other step and another warm breath kept mixing with hers. She imagined those arms were of an angel, bringing her to heaven. Or a devil, bringing her to hell. She gave into its touch nonetheless.
"I know you're not very good at keeping them, but would you promise me one last thing?" a voice asked her, a low and a tired one. One that could only belong to an angel the way it kept her dying heart beating. The girl could only hum, agreeing to the angel's request. The voice sounded serious, threatening almost, but she could hear the worry hidden behind it, as it spoke.
"Don't make me lose you."
---------------------------------------------------
Nina whined, having trouble with breathing as her hands shook from the need to be put down. She saved the Dregs numerous times from a certain death, yet Y/N exceeded her expectations. The heartender tried her very best to wake her heart up, while Jesper and Wylan panicked to pull out the bullet and seize the wound, so no more blood would be lost. What wasn't helpful, though, was Brekker, constantly yelling at them for trying harder. She understood that his anger was powered by the fear for that girl, but that didn't put out the urge to fill his face with more wounds, maybe a broken nose even.
"I swear, Nina. If she dies.." he exclaimed again, not helping the situation in any way.
"It will be on you!" Nina barked at him, frustration clearly visible not only on her tone, but her tired features. Her eyes shot to Jesper and Wylan an apologizing look as she saw their hands bloodied and faces worried. The door swinged open behind her, revealing Inej. Nina felt relief wash over her as she saw her. Kaz would maybe stop being such an asshole in her presence.
"Is she breathing?" Inej asked and immediately moved to Y/N's lying form, putting her cheek above her nose. "Barely." Wylan answered stressfully. Kaz's worry shifted to fear, Nina could sense that, even when her full focus was on the hitman's weak heart. She was barely alive, but the heartender was still surprised it could beat. She was strong and Nina hoped she would continue to fight.
Jesper gasped heavily and looked at her. "The wound's sealed!" he sounded so hopeful and it brought Nina some strenght to see him like this. She had to take quick breaths before tightening her hands in the air one more time, fastening Y/N's heartbeat. Fortunetely, it worked. "She's breathing again!" Inej said with a small smile, causing Kaz to limp closer to see for himself. His own wounds weren't yet treated, but Nina didn't even try to convince him. He had trouble looking after himself when one of them was hurt, she could imagine how much worse it was in this case, where his heartbeat's fire was on the brink of death.
She could feel the heartbeat pick up to a slow pace. It wasn't yet normal, but at least she didn't have to control it now. Nina put her hands down and fell down on an armchair beside her. Everyone in the room fell victims to exhaustion, Nina closed her eyes for a moment, just focusing on her breathing. Wylan was the first to stand up and slowly make his way out of the room with the words she'll be alright, Nina, you did a great job. Jesper followed, squeezing Nina's shoulder and nodding shortly at Kaz, before the door closed after him too.
"You either let me treat your wounds or you will go and get some sleep." she offered to the man, her eyes fixated on Y/N. She was glad he, at least, wrapped his neck in a bandage during this hard time, but he had other quite serious wounds she had to treat sooner or later. Kaz allowed himself to be predictable as he stared at the hitman and then slowly limped out of the room. Before he did though, he surprised her after all.
"Thank you."
Nina's head snapped his way and watched him leave, she didn't expect that. Inej sat next to her on the armrest, following her eyes to the laying girl. "You should rest as well, I know how tired you are." the heartender studied her features with a caring look. Her friend fought the sleep well so far, which she hated to see. "I'm not leaving you alone." the spider said with a decisive eyes connecting with hers. She knew the heartender couldn't sleep herself, as she had to look out for Y/N's heart. Nina flashed a defeated smile. She was grateful for her presence, she missed her a lot, but it would ease her mind if she went to sleep. However, knowing her stubborn mind, she scooted over to the very side, creating a tiny space for Inej to sit, which her friend accepted with a smile.
"Alright then. Tell me how you killed Rollins and DON'T spare any details."
------------------------------------------------
#until it doesn't hurt#six of crows wylan#six of crows matthias#six of crows x reader#six of crows inej#six of crows#six of crows kaz#soc kaz#kaz brekker angst#kaz brekker fluff#kaz and jesper#kaz brekker#kaz brekker x gn!reader#kaz brekker x y/n#kaz brekker x fem!reader#kaz brekker x reader#kaz brekker x you#kaz brekker fanfic#kaz brekker fic#shadow and bone tv show#shadow and bone x reader#shadow and bone series#shadow and bone#shadow and bone season 2#s&b#s&b season 2#s&b netflix#s&b s2#s&b show#shadowandbone
31 notes
·
View notes
Note
ok false alarm i CANNOT send you the trivia until u finish the ep i forgot the Important Conversation is literally like. 5 of the last 10 minutes. HOWEVER. YOU HAVE MENTIONED MY FAVORITE WORLDBUILDING NICHE IN THAT I NEED 2 KNOWWWW HOW EVERYTHING IN NATURE WORKS. this is where im at with worm now too. so like. predator handshake.
one of my FAOVIRTEEEEE THINGS ABOUT PD WORLD EVER. is that there r so many people in the bg with just. mundane powers. u are going to see this thought repeated when i send u the 17 trivia but i need 2 talk about it NOW so i will risk sounding like a broken record. like. u remember the guy from the cartoon episode who was the barber? he had powers and it was super speed but only a little bit and only localized to his hands. and he used that to be a barber! there are so many people in the bg of pd that just. have shit like that. its normal. and they dont get into How or Why much but i think it is a combination of "born with them" or "caused by external forces" (like with william and dakota who did not have powers until Their Respective Incidents). theres alsoooo. not to talk about mark winters all the time but mark specifically uses his suits as a way to tap into his powers and make them stronger (the big fuckign. needles in his back) so it can be assumed that hes always had powers and only just recently(ish) found a way to magnify them and use them for villain shit. not everyone with powers becomes a hero or villain sometimes they just use them for . mundane everyday shit !!!! i love this. sorry i am rambling
also with ur whole question about earth. the lore for this is so batshit insane so i am gonna wait for the trivia bc i basically transcripted bizlys words for it and im not going to try to parse that in my current mental state (the things he says about mars . wild) HOWEVER i do think prime is physically very similar to earth in terms of time and seasons and physics and such. partly for the meta reason of thats what the players are automatically going to assume AND the in world reason of "planet extremely similar to your old home planet will be automatically easier to settle on"
for some reason i only have the three person version of this image but this is LITERALLY us over nature worldbuilding rn..... aughghghh. i LOVE this type of power talk i love mundane & normal & weird shit done with powers!!! its so good!!! (also this is delightful b/c it's also very much bnha worldbuilding on powers... i get 2 point & go HEY i know what your influences are!!) i like it so much.... such an interesting & tasty thing in relation to how & why all of that exact same stuff in worm works also.. aaaaaa. so excited for yr thoughts on the way this translates 2 the wormverse <33
+ that makes MUCH sense i AM going to nod sensibly and go yes makes lots of sense that prime is similar to earth. except for the part where france is ITS OWN SEPERATE PLANET. can't wait for the lore about why they're FUCKING MARTIANS though i'm sure it's gonna be great!!
#HEAD IN HANDS. i love u worldbuilding.....#anyway this feels like a very messy rambly response that is not saying much of anything. hii. waves at u. long night u get SLEEPY TIRED#ROSWELL with brain going in FIFTY DIFFERENT INCOHERENT DIRECTIONS!!!#pd lb#mac tag!
2 notes
·
View notes
Note
Hey, anon on the Jay Nakamura topic again, I definitely agree on the fact that Jay doesn't really add anything if he is overpowered and equal to Jon. What I'm trying to say is that Tom Taylor in Son of Kal El made it seem as the story was going to be about Jon struggling with trust after the events in the volcano. He was going to be more closed off and cautious of others because it made it seem as though as Jon didn't feel like he could trust people to have his back, especially the fact that with as you said, Jon realizing how powerful he is, feeling like his allies are more of a liability than backup. Sounded like it could be an interesting and reasonable flaws for Jon. We could've seen how this affects Jon's relationships, especially with non superpowered friends and family who before have had his back before and even saved him in his younger years (ex. Lois Lane and Damian Wayne) and have seen Jon learn to trust people again and be able to rely on them again. But Tom Taylor's solution to this instead was Jay, a "straightfoward romantic relationship". I've tried liking Jay as I am always curious and excited for new superheroes but as you said in previous posts, he is originally created to be Jon's love interest. Not to mention he began to annoy me as the comic is supposed to be about Jon but Jay is seemingly taking up space with his story and arc as the role of supporting character. It made it seem Tom Taylor took the advantage of writing his original character and forcing him into Jon's spotlight in any and every way possible, at least to me. If anything, we could have used more non superpowered supporting cast for Jon to give him a sense of normality, he is half human after all. What do you think?
-💬
okay i got it now sorry, reading comprehension is slipping through my fingers
valid! i think tom had good intentions and wanted to write a good, happy and mentally stable superhero to counter the bat family maybe, and in doing so he missed so many shots, i think jon struggling to put his faith in people who he believes are weaker than him is such a fun angle, him learning to come to terms with humans with no powers again would have been a great read
i also think addressing the years of prison would have been the correct thing to do, thats why im excited for this new series, cause fuck if he did something with it in son of superman
full honestly after reading most of son of superman and getting bored i genuinely cannot tell u anything about jays story like wow i did not care, hes easy to ignore i think, which is his first flaw, like yeah he was around too much maybe but even then he was such a non presence
i compare him to bernard a lot in my mind cause in the end they are the "bf i made up for representation with a complicated life story for drama" and like... i look forward to bernard being around, i find him hilarious and hes dumb and fun and thats enough, meanwhile jay is just such a downer and feels incredibly patronizing sometimes
all in all i just think tom tried but it didnt work out, which is a shame cause hes the one writer that made me cry several times so im looking forward to him putting those abilities to work with jon
8 notes
·
View notes
Note
hello!! i know you posted about this a while back but i just wanted to tell you that i honestly would love to see you write that charlos + landoscar fic (the roommates au) i just know for sure that the entire fic would be CHAOTIC because they’re all oblivious lovesick idiots at the end of the day (pls feel free to add in a splash of maxiel as well if you would like too)
and the amnesia au!! YES YES YES. i love the fact that they’re husbands too, i think it’ll be really interesting to see the dynamic between them and that like whole ‘oh’ moment charles would get when he gets his memory back (pls tell me he does gets his memory back because i cannot handle pure angst in this context)
i am so on board with the idea of the set it up au as well, i haven’t watch the film but i did watch the trailer and small parts of it and i feel like it would just make perfect sense to have lando and oscar in that context. and also the idea of having charlos and maxiel as their bosses *chefs kiss* you’re an absolute mastermind
and that line from pierre in the “woke up with lady parts” au is EVERYTHING. it’s just so pierre coded and typically like charles said there’s always an element of “fucking the other person back to normal” so i cant wait to see the direction you’re going to go in with this fic
and of course the whole jack frost and pitch idea is literally so intriguing i love your mind so much
im so sorry if this feels like added pressure i really don’t mean for it to come off that way!!
i just absolutely adore your ideas and your whole thought process and if you do plan to write these fics i hope this gives you somewhat of a motivating boost :)
sending you so much love <33
hi there! please don’t apologize. you’re free to send me asks about whatever, whenever, because asks are generally appreciated. thank you so, so much for letting me know that the ideas i mentioned piqued your interest! if anything, i’m probably going to start with the roommates fic because it seems like the lightest fic overall, but we’ll see how it goes because i haven’t written up a proper outline for either pairing. your boy has unfortunately been too busy to write. i miss it. looks off.
to be honest, i haven’t really figured out whether or not charles is getting his memory back, but angst isn’t currently on the roadmap for the amnesia au. that might change once i start writing it, but i’m not planning on any tears for now! i feel like i owe my ao3 account a bit of joy after the last charlos fic i wrote.
set it up is a very good movie, and i’m not just saying this because i have a massive crush on zoey deutch. i’m not really a romcom kind of guy but this had me very entertained, so i definitely recommend checking it out if you’re in a romcom kind of mood. that said, i don’t plan on following the movie to the letter. i’ll basically just be taking the general premise and maybe a few details here and there, because the kiss cam scene? actual genius.
you know i just had to make pierre say it, anon. i absolutely had to, because it’s a very pierre thing to say. the direction for that fic is basically homosexuality (as per usual) and i’m very excited to write it! the question of when i’ll be able to write it is an entirely different matter, but the motivation is there. believe it. i’m similarly intrigued by my own brain because i feel like it was onto something with that jack frost and pitch thing… i just wish i knew what my brain was cooking because i completely forgot. HELP. glad to know that it sounds interesting to you as well, though!
and don’t worry, it doesn’t seem like you’re pressuring me in the slightest. i really appreciate that you went out of your way to express your enthusiasm for the ideas i’ve got lying around. fic writers do what they do because it’s fun, but it always helps to know that people enjoy reading our work, too. gives us a much-needed boost. sending you just as much love, anon! i’m wishing you the best day. ♥️
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Is it dual wielding 50% school and night shifts or is it me that's giving me at work panic attacks. is it a me issue? sorry I'm like barely holding back a world breaking anxiety/panic attack at work and using all my will power to sit very still and breathe normally so this might be a long one but like, is it a me issue? am I just bad at managing my time and myself and is it me that's causing the world to feel like it's ending?
I mean, the world feels like it's ending for very many reasons that like, I refuse to properly share even on the over sharing website or w people i know which might be it like. I've got it in my head that as long as I just suck it up well enough it'll somehow disappear into a deep dark void never to be seen again and magically, somehow, my friends will talk to me again and I'll stop feeling so awfully world breakingly heart crushing lonely which doesn't even make sense. Because I'm currently living with my best friend and i love them so much so why do i feel so heart breakingly lonely and as if my life is irrapearily broken and destroyed and nothing will ever be well again?
I just, I have a 0 tolerance now for anything going wrong and it's making me isolate because I don't want to lash out but im also tired of the fact that all that'll excit my mouth is hi how are you doing I've been crying for a week straight ♡ like hello shut up shut up shut up what the fuck no one cares! that's stupid shut up! suck it up! I go to work i attend my classes I don't have any time to do my schoolwork bc all i do is sleep and then wake up for work and work and it has to be a me thing how can't I actually find the time to do it I'm supposed to have 8hrs free for school work but all i do is sleep.
I want to be kinder i need to be kinder i need people to love me and miss me and care if I'm here but I currently feel like if I didn't no one would even notice because why would they? I feel so awful. And i dont get it i try so hard to be nice and supportive and kind but does it matter? does it matter. does it? it's so childish. it's so insanely childish I'm in my mid 20s so how can I suddenly end up so unstable iut of nowhere? I'm exhausted of being exhausted and I'm tired of being lonely but I'm too terrified to reach out to people because if they don't do it first and havent done it first in weeks then why does it matter?
I want too much. I think that's what it all boils down to. I want too much and i can't have it and I can't speak up about wanting it either because how childish is that? how childish how foolish how absolutely ridiculous. how stupid.
I wish I could break into a million pieces and everyone would say how sad and they'd feel sorry for me but i can't those pieces are no ones responsibility but my own. how silly how foolish i just want attention but that's selfish so so selfish so i can't ask for it. I just want a hug. I want someone to hold my hand. I want someone to hold me in a tight embrace for hours until I feel steady again like i can breathe again and i think I had a realization and I can't I can't. I don't want to be selfish i don't want to be a burden i don't want them to grow tired of me. I feel like people have already grown tired of me. I've grown tired of me. and I've had a realization and I think ill take it to my grave because I cannot say it i can't how foolish. how absolutely folish. how selfish. how absolutely selfish you are
#fanya.txt#incomprehensible vent#let it be said despite it all that ill be fine or i dont feel like ill be fine ever i feel itll only get worse until something happens#but I'll like. be here#i have work and school and ive gotta make sure the roomie has a car for work#does it even count as bad if i still go to work? if im present in my classes even if i cant do my hw?#who knows#who knows who knows
2 notes
·
View notes
Note
hiiii! i’ll be reacting to 17 & 18.1 so i’m sorry & pls excuse me if this is a lot LOL
17:
you jumped RIGHT into it i see!!! & let me just say..i nearly DIED!! YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR MIND!!! i swear i could’ve passed out right w her😂😂😂 elvis saying that’s not normal like what he’s doing to her is?! PLS!!! the way he ordered all her fave foods, it’s the little stuff that shows how he feel🥹 the flashback?? i understand the craziness of the situation but all i can think about is how elvis is ALWAYS there. every. single. time. we LOVE him. the TENSION & the ANXIETY i was feeling when she was up at the lil get together?! the DISGUST when jack kept pushing up on her?! everytime he calls her treasure i get chills & not in a good way. i never thought i could hate a written character more in my life. the confirmation of “cheating” (bc should we reallyyyy call it that atp?? LOL) being him seeing the hickies?! oh i was shaking in my boots. now, i understand the whole purpose of the way this is written is that i’m putting myself in her shoes but WHEN HE DRAGGED HER OUT THAT BATHROOM, DRESS UNDONE,SCREAMING?!?! OH I REALLY FELT THE HATE & EMBARRASSMENT TIMES 100. STEAM WAS COMING OUT MY EARS. i was surprised elvis didn’t pop his ass right then & there. we love a king w a lil self control. emphasis on a lil😂i think i paused in my reading for a good 10 minutes when jack punched her. jaw DROPPED. & i swear i screamed when elvis started beating his ass. my heart SOARED. FINALLYYYY IVE BEEN WAITING & i CACKLED at the confusion from jack. sir, she had that scarf on AGAIN & you’re confused??? PLS. the way EVERYBODY had to hold him back & bring him to his knees from red?! i was eating it up!! & idk….jack deserved more than a smack from her, but at the same time, he not even worth it. elvis did him in enough. now, w all the passing out & throwing up…. pregnancy is running through my brain. MAYBE IM REACHING IDK IDK. this entire part was so JUICY!!! WHEW i was on edge the ENTIRE time. the excitement i’m feeling thinking about what’s next now that everything is finally out on the table?!?! you never fail to surprise me!!!
18.1:
i know you mentioned possibly doing his pov at some point but THIS?!?! oh this is not what i was expecting!!! i am GAGGED!!!! for one, yk i LOVE your flashbacks. but these?! idk i wouldn’t say these were the most intense but they are the most important to me in a way. maybe bc it really confirms everything for me. like clearly just off everything from before, we know he’s in love. BUT READING THESE?!?! HES BEEN DOWN BAD HIS WHOLE LIFE BASICALLY LOL PLEASEEEEE!! that poor baby!!! we know our girl has been too but at least hers is more so on a subconscious level for so many years lol it’s so insane to me how GREAT you write their connection. i’ll say that 1000 times bc i swear i can literally feel it. my heart physically hurts reading this part! the way he yearns for her is so😩😩😩😩 the way he was holding back for so long but after that night he stayed w her he’s like yea no fuck that!! then BOOM! FUCKING JACK MAN!!!!! i teared up! & me knowing the torment that’s still to come & the YEARS of heartbreak he’s gonna go through got me so SAD!! it took SO long for him to finally have her!!! also, now that i’m thinking. elvis knew jack wanted her from the jump, that’s why he didn’t say shit even knowing they have that intense unexplainable connection but HER?! what’s her tea?!?! after she was done w ted she should’ve been ON IT. BUT i can say i’m glad bc all that ripping & running he was doing early in his career, it wouldn’t have been fair (which actually was probably her thought process now that i’m typing it lol) & it probably all would’ve fell apart. timing is a important thing. i cannot WAIT for 18.2!!!!! something so good always comes after a great flashback to connect & you gave us a few so im ready!!
you really pull some crazy emotions out of me reading this series. I LOVE IT. letting yk NOW, once this is complete?! oh i will pay good money to have this on paper in my bookshelf!!!!
First, I'm sorry it took so long to get to this ask, but OMG, Kelly Honey, I LOVEEEEE this. LOVE. IT. Your passionate reactions are what I live for and thank you for blessing me with them! 🥰 You somehow put into words all the fun emotions I'm trying to glean from y'all as a writer and it's just great to see! So many good observations and theories going on here!
My brain is a bit fried from finishing 18.2 just now, so I'll just say that I cannot wait to see how the next part sends you over the edge, babycakes...💋
#xoxoxoxox#pink scarf part 17#pink scarf part 18.1#pink scarf#elvis#elvis presley#if you’re looking for trouble#you came to the right place#elvis 2022#elvis movie#elvis presley x reader#elvis x reader#austin butler elvis#ask#answered
9 notes
·
View notes
Note
1, 8, 12, 15, 19, and 29? :O?
Or just however many of them you want to do if you don't want to answer all of them, I know that's a lot lol ~Gab/liltaz-asatreat
hi sorry this took a minute i posted the game and then had a bit of a Moment you know how it is during finals time
1: how many words have you written?
I CANNOT FIND A SOLID NUMBER. because all my writing is across like. three different programs. and i cant just go by ao3 because i think i actually posted One (1) thing this year? But it is at LEAST 50k-55k. most of that is a homestuck wip that spiraled wildly out of control and which i am in theory still working on
8: pairing you wrote the most for this year?
davekat ;alfkdsfd listen there's just something about them. it makes me a little batty. remember the homestuck wip that spiraled wildly out of control from the paragraph above? yeah thats the davekat wip. unintentional davekat wip. this is the first time ive written romance in five years
12: how many wips do you have in your docs for next year?
HMMM. let's call it ttttthr- four and a half. that's a normal number for wips
15: what wip are you taking into the next year with you?
ALL OF EM BAYBIE in seriousness though i am like. two and a half chapters from finishing my a hat in time longfic and i do not know if i will finish meteorfic (lovingly titled 'a cool guy's guide to emotions' in the gdoc) but im gonna give it my best shot. also i have a million taz ideas STARTING WITH. the davenport character study i have rattling in my brain im gonna do as soon as finals are over. as a treat for me and also the sudden taz following i now have
19: What's one pairing you want to explore next year?
here's the thing: im not usually a romfic writer. THAT BEING SAID: davekat and blupjeans makes everything in my little brain light up so PROBABLY THOSE. (more, in the case of davekat).
29: Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?
HOLD ON LEMMMME FIND. oh no i have to pick only one??? UMHHHH. okay . i cant pick only one. so you get two
(When the Bell Rings, Ch. 17)
(Meteorfic Ch. who the fuck knows not me)
thank you, gab! i don't have much taz stuff (yet. yet!) but im so excited to start writing some :)
(I am still doing the game- find it here :) )
6 notes
·
View notes
Note
sorry hun, but i dont think yoongi is like that. hes not the azzhole of the grp.
- no offense, but since when we started to dissect his actions? if he really wanted to keep this private he would kept this private n closed the subject. even more bout we knowing that hes truly a private person. also, he were the one that said the boys show to us what they want to show, not everything, but what they want to share n then? he keep feeding armys. also, most of us had already forgotten bout it then he went to wv and started it again
- i just came here to have a good time, to see yoonie on my dash but u really looks like a twt army. we cannot have peace even here. the think pieces smelling like one. are the same. sighs. yoonie stans having 0 days of peace. as always.
- keep the privacy about a '7' tattoo that the members were the ones being vocal about it bcoz of them bond&love as brothers? if they wanted privacy why they, themselves, were the ones revealing this to their own fans? they need to prove something now about boundaries? the same ones that started this sht? for a grp always loud about love their fans, funny seeing them now trying to domesticate their fandom. they start something and then need yall to sftu, obeying them without a second thought
- are we talking about the same guy that never failed to keep his promises when it comes to armys? he changed to become something so ?????????? bc of 'privacy'? kkkkkkk okay, then 💀
- are you talking about the same myg that NEVER let armys down? its just a 7 in his body everyone showed them tattoos, so its not so dang deep like you are trying to make it look im always on twt and armys there arent being so dramatic and trust me, army twt are VERY annoying and corny ppl are just excited seeing this as a challenge, please
- yg isnt the rude one of the grp making something normal becomes smnt nonsensicalhe was the one saying he made the tat cus the members wanted (he loves the guys n will never say no for them) and he also said he wont do a tat again cus knowing his personality he'll probably not get so satisfied later bout the place, etcso we are now dissecting his attitudes since when and making it something deep? weird.
- he just said: "I got the tattoo. I got it, but where I got it. I wont say. Try finding it' he was teasing armys O_o so, your point????? also, he keeps teasing armys going with the flow, so?????
- or perhaps u are projecting. yall always trying to make everything so damn deep 🤥🤡
- if he didnt wanted people to keep talking about his tattoo and trying to find it, he wouldnt be on weverse putting more fire on it or feeding his own fandom curiosity even moredoesnt make any sense, sorry.
— I have NO IDEA if these anonymous messages are from the same person, I don't know where they connect or if it's multiple people with multiple messages, I have no idea where any of it is the start.
But you guys took everything out of proportion. I never said yg is rude or anything. You guys are pulling words out of my mouth that I never said. What I SAID in that reply of the post is "his way of not wanting to tell us that he doesn't want to show is telling us nicely by telling us to find it in a teasy fun way. " Because " saying no or not he won't show it can easily come off as mean TO SOME PEOPLE"
I NEVER said he was rude, I said "to some people" because there are still many people who find his ways of joking as rude - there are plenty of idols who get bashed for telling their fans no, that's why I said "to some people"
I have no idea how the fuck to respond to any of this nonsense bullshit since everyone wants to make me out as the bad person for my opinion, attack me for something that was simply on my mind, trying to pull words out of my mouth of said I never said and accuse me of stuff I never did. I am nothing like the "twt army" and I am sorry for making everything deep, and I'm sorry for "dissecting his actions" it wasn't my intention to and I didn't want to come off that way. I'm sorry for opening my mouth about the situation and his tattoo subject.
For now on, I will not make any comments or text posts about anything and focus on posting photos/videos only so I don't offend or bother anyone else.
I'm sorry for causing problems
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
tears of the kingdom final trailer thoughts
HEY THERE HI HELLO ITS ME NOT HAVING A NORMAL THOUGHT ABOUT THIS NEW TRAILER !!!!!!
this has been a very emotional experience for me and i will try my best to have coherent thoughts below lol:
WOW I am completely blown away by everything we saw yesterday. and this is my formal apology to nintendo for complaining that they weren't giving us enough content so far and my thank you to them for waiting to give us all of that in one trailer. okay so here are my very unorganized initial reactions and thoughts:
the music is the most beautiful gorgeous score i have ever heard in my life. i had goosebumps the e n t i r e time listening to that masterpiece
there is,,,,, so much that we can do in this game. no wonder it fucking took so long did you see how much shit we can do? build? fight with?
THE IMPLICATIONS OF FIGHTING WITH NPCs GIVES ME UNEXPLAINABLE JOY
NEW CHARACTERS HELLOOOOOOOOOO
ANCIENT ZELDA????
WHERE. ISZELDA???????
SKYLOFT MAYHAPS ????????
GANONDORF?????????
okay but in all seriousness, i am so emotional about the way they made this such an amazing continuation from botw. everyone coming together to fight against evil, hyruleans, ritos, gerudos, zoras...link and zelda have everyone behind them to save their home it just makes me so emotional
i am beyond ecstatic for zelda's role in this game. the trailer made me feel like she's going to be going through sort of a ss zelda journey...connecting with the spirit and goddess within her, learning about hyrules past, helping whatever new characters (zonai?) and most of all, standing alongside link and believing in him
i just KNOW link is pissed that he lost zelda again and he's gonna do everything he can to get back to her
ganondorf's design is flawless, but from what we say i think it's possible that we will have interactions with both demise AND ganondorf and it makes sense...this whole time everyone has guessed that we are going back to the beginning or close to it...it would only make sense that demise would make some appearance or have significance in whatever evil we will see
where is teba :'(
i cannot wait for riju's role and gerudos' role in general...they will definitely be giving us some insight into ganondorf and his significance as well
CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE MUSIC AGAIN HELLO
that's really all i have for now (sorry it's a mess). I am honestly still very emotional about it all. this series has been so important to me for so long and im so excited to play this game. i can't wait for the youtube theorists to put out their twenty minute long videos dissecting everything and hearing their thoughts. this is going to be a very amazing month of anticipation.
IM SO EXCITED YAY
1 note
·
View note
Text
oh my godddd i forgot to give you all the stupid silly life updates after i came backkkkk ugh okay long post now.
these are out of order and i do not care.
went to my favorite used bookstore and came out with some really fun stuff! the lady at the counter is kinda new there and she is just so sweet i love her.
same day i went to half price books and got the first season of the muppet show on dvd!!! i was so excited abt that. i took it up to the counter and the guy working there was like 'shucks, i knew i should have bought it earlier lol. i want to get the whole show on dvd' and i may or may not have autism blasted this poor man with my extensive knowledge of the muppet show dvd releases. he was certainly not expecting me to go on for like two full minutes but he was nice about it :3 (i was killing myself forever for like two days bc whhyyyyyy cant i just be normal to people)
flea market!
very nice lady invited us out to her storage shed bc she recognized me and my brother, and asked if we wanted to go look at her old electronics before she put them out in the front of the store. guess what? i finally got a new vcr dvd combo playyerrrrrr!!!!!!!!! FUCKING YAY. the one in my room has been down since last JULY. so i am no longer menace in the living room!! it was for sure a gamble bc she said she had no idea if it worked or not, but thankfully it did and i got it for ten bucks!
was at my usual dvd store and got a good handful of movies! he recently started selling other things too, like old collectables and shit, so he has a nice glass counter set up. so i go up to the counter to pay and i look down to see an elvira midnight madness giant gila monter tape. so i was like uhhhhhmmm.. how much is she.? and he was like four dollars you interested? and i was like um yea yes please. problem is i always pay in quarters and i need to get some bills out of my wallet. so i just kinda plop my handful of quarters (like five dollars worth) on the counter like sorry about the quarters... and as i was pulling out my wallet he goes 'oh no i dont mind. they all spend. besides i put all of ur quarters in a jar back here' AND THEN PULLED OUT ONE OF THOSE BIG ASS MASON JARSSSSSS. OH MY GOD. anyways... he also started telling me about the two SEPARATE times hes met cassendra peterson.
also i got a coca cola drinking glass. this is not really exciting but it is to me so im mentioning it.
i went to go see the new ghostbusters in theaters! it sucked really badly! also i forgot that ghostbusters is just always lying dormant in my autism brain. please help i am drowning in ghostbusters rn
I GOT A VERY FUN BOOK IN THE MAIL!!!!!!!! ITS A BEHIND THE SCENES MAKING OF BOOK ON HELLRAISER III HELL ON EARTH!!!! I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO EXPLODE ITS SO MUCH FUN TO READ OH MY GOD!!! PLUS IT CAME WITH A HELLRAISER BOOKMARK WITH A FILM STILL IN IT!!!! SO COOL EXPLODING FOREVER
speaking of hellraiser iii, my older brother is going to help me digitize my vhs tape so i can then burn it on a cd so i can watch it forever!! i cannot handle the concept of my tape wearing down and losing my special version forever. so i would like to have him preserved b4 it gets to that point.
had birthday dinner last night lol. (my birthday was in january). but it was good!! i went to this little china cafe i grew up eating at, and then we went to the most specialist grocery store!! yayyyyy!!! i got a donut that im eating tonight and a cherry coke and it was so much fun <3 <3. i came home and finished btvs s5 while eating my left over cream cheese rangoons. it was such a good night <3 <3
while i was out last night we went to the dollar store (to purchase said cherry coke) and there were these two sisters in line with their mom, doing sisterly things making fun of each other yada yada. i really wasnt paying attention i was waiting for my younger brother to meet me upfront so i could pay. and then i hear 'noooo!! its not emo!! shes a goth!!' and the older sister is like 'its all the same!' and then younger one was like 'NO ITS NOT!!! i know shes a goth i know it!!!!'. it was so funny i started like laughing in the store, they were like 10-14 and possibly making fun of me but idc. made my day
at one of my favorite thriftstores, they have a new employee. the first time i met her i wasnt quite ready for her to just walk up to me and be like. 'your cool i can tell, i saw a pair of shoes earlier i think you might like' and then walked me over to show me these like fucking gorgeous black studded boots and i was like mouth agap like nooooooooo i wear a size TWELVE in womens shoes :(( and she was like ugh me toooooo i woudlve bought them myself but i wouldve had to remove a few toes lol. and then just walked off ?? i am getting better about talking to strangers in public, but i am still never like ready for it. so anyways, i come back a few weeks later and she sees me and is like HEY! and came over and started chit chatting with me, sh ewas telling me how she used to dress like me in the 80s and how much fun she had and stuff. and im just sitting there looking at this like 50yo christian woman like 'hwuh' bc i cannot stress to you enough that this woman talks faster than light and is so full of energy. and she was telling me about all of her old favorite clothes diys because 'you look like you make your own clothes' and all this stuff. and then she walked off and a few minutes later she came back with her phone and showed me a picture of her in like a full steampunk get up???? like corset and goggles and hat and very large hair and makeup and was like 'yeah this is what i dress like in my spare time, cant commit to full time dress anymore'. idk i just want to all to know that i love this woman so much shes the best.
far less fun my depression nest is back :(( i wanna clean it out but OUCH my legs have been hurting for like eveeerrrr
house sat :Db !! was locked up in a house by myself with a bottle of wine, half a bottle of tequila, a flask of whiskey, a vibrator, and tubi.com . i had a very good time! (also i got paid $130 and food for my four day total stay)
uuhhmmm trying to think if anything else fun happened while i was gone...
i had tacos for dinner! mmm yum!!
OH YEAH I HATE LIVING IN THE SOUTH WHAT THE FUCK. our sink water has smelled and tasted like wet dog for almost a month now. we have a water filter that at least makes the water not smell or taste but there is no WAY that is safe to drink. we had to buy on of those big ass water jugs to wash our dishes with. showers have to be kept to a minimum and we've been relying on hand sanitizer to keep our hand as clean as possible. yes we have called the water company MULTIPLE times. they insist our water is fine <3
i finally got new glasses!!!! i can see now! my prescription doubled in my right eye only! my left literally went up just enough to need a new lens.
okay i think thats long enough lol. love yooouuu mwah mwah mwah
1 note
·
View note
Note
my favorite twst characters are silver and malleus they're so sillies i wanna hide them in my pocket 🥺❤
and woooow you're already in chapter 5?? you're so fast and that means you'll catch up in chapter 7 🤩 also chapter 7 just updated in twst jp yesterday and i'm losing my marbles over it akdkkskcksks i'm so excited to hear your thoughts/theories when you catch up ❗❗❗
so idia huh hmmm i have a feeling you'll like him even more when you read chapter 6 😈
my favorite twst events are:
vargas camp (some ppl think this event is so boring but for me, it's just refreshing esp the bgm music and just some silly boys going to camping 😁 what could go wrong? 😁)
endless halloween (tho you must watch the first halloween event which is scary monsters in order to understand it ANYWAY i love the vibes here and the bgm music AGAIN lol and bc silver is here my pookiebear)
ghost marriage (all i can say is poor idia 😬)
fairy gala if (it's like the alternate universe of the first fairy gala event, i love this event bc ortho gets to shine here 🥺❤ and some ppl theorize that this event is after chapter 6 buuut we never know bc all the event stories aren't canon huhuhu 😪)
and lastlyyyyy
glorious masquerade event (i love this event bc the little interactions between malleus and yuu/the player 🥰 also we get another twisted version of a disney character! it also has foreshadowing about malleus in chapter 7)
- zella
ALSO if you want to learn/read more about the characters or just see their silliness, you can read their personal stories on miraheze site. it's complete and you can even read the voice lines.
- zella
first of all -- i did NOT know you could send asks this long in tumblr now lskdjfasij HAHA back in mY DAY *cracks back, wheezes* i think we had a character limit but damn tumblr rly said "go off, be free" huh.
but yes! im generally a pretty quick reader, and i watch most videos on 2x speed (i listen to audiobooks on 2x speed too and my mom thinks i'm unhinged for it). so since it's all subbed, i'm just breezing through it; if i weren't so attached to listening to the voiced lines, i'd just read the translations on miraheze u__u
and speaking of miraheze, yES i've been LOOKING (disrepectfully, mind you).
I CANNOT WAIT FOR CHAPER 6. i am shoved so far up idia's ass already and it's not even his chapter yet fuCK.
i'm doing the camp vargas event rn cause im in the eng server and it's cute u__u i do like the "boiz just doin boi tingz" vibe it's giving off. pitching tents n shit hahah.
i shall add endless halloween to my list! i legit didn't figure out that events had like separate stories until the last day of the fairy gala event (i am big dumb im sorry) so i only got to play through the first few chapters in game, but i'll watch the rest of it; and i'm curious about the fairy gala, if ver too.
malleus is growing on me. we love a good lonely boi arc. i love that he's like "u don't know me? that's so hot" vibes hes giving off hAHAHAHA. that's so Ultra Celeb of you, malleus. i see you, i SEE you. silver, i don't know well enough yet but my normal Type is White Haired Anime Boy, so i mean -- boxes have been checked already, ukno?
i'm quickly spiraling way too far into this universe and it's.... worrying, to say the least.
#zella anon#twst#twisted wonderland#i've had the opening theme on loop for the past 48 hrs i cannot BREATHE its sO FUCKING GOOD#also idk where this appears in game but uhm... the song where malleus sings solo with idia and azul in the back???? what the fuck LOL#why is that hilarious to me WHY#is that the masquerade event im fuCKING DYING#truly death is UPON ME.#🌧 raindrops
0 notes
Text
Just keep writing ;
I blacked out lastnight, lol. I wasn’t scared to ask about how I was tho, I wasn’t scared to watch the videos, well I was scared, but I look really really happy but also kinda annoying lol. Apparently I was skulling the tequila, I don’t even have a memory of that. I don’t have much of a memory of anything, I hate that. I’m okay with my choice, my choices, I’m still going up. I’m excited to see 8 months again, getting into my normal routine was very hard this morning, my rooms still not clean, I’m getting thru it tho, washing my sheets, had a really nice shower washed my hair, and keeping my thoughts positive. I’m so grateful today for my body, for all I put it through, I’m also sorry to my body, I’m sorry to myself for filling it with toxins for no one’s benefit but my egos, im sorry for breaking my streak, I’m grateful that I restarted it. I feel a lot better knowing I wasn’t a dickhead and probably just embarrassed myself a little bit lol. That’s what I feel, embarrassed, my dad said he was disappointed in me for drinking, but he keeps me positive and on the right track. I feel like when I don’t remember things, and I black out, I feel anxious not knowing what I did, and how bizzare is it that I literally cannot remember a single thing, it’s ridiculous, I feel like I can use my experience as like a study on myself, which is what I enjoy doing a lot, look at everything from a science perspective lol. It’s fun.
I’m completely powerless over alcohol. I don’t feel like myself, but I’m still glad I drank, because I’m using it as a stepping stone, a learning curve. Makes me not want to drink again, not in a party. Not with my cousins, not in someone’s back yard, I know what I don’t want by doing them, and proving them.like a science experiment, I really don’t feel like myself at all. I want to live the life I’ve always wanted since a kid, I want success, I want to be a writer, I want to be stable, I want to play sports, I want to be healthy. I have all these issues but I also have hope, persistence, and faith in myself and my universe.
I feel like things don’t exist unless I write them, like i don’t pay attention to it unless I write it. And I have this horrible feeling in my stomach, that writing somehow fixes. My words to me are more important than anything else, and my investments to myself every single day do not fail to show improvements. I love who I am, I love where I’m going, my favourite food right now is roast potatoes, with lots of salt lmao.
Thank you god for the peace.
I’m also disappointed in myself a little bit because I let myself get to a point where I wasn’t thinking about anything else, completely powerless when it comes to alcohol. Good news is that I don’t need it, so being without it isint hard. I’m embarrassed at how drunk and sloppy I got. I’m extremely clumsy when drunk, probs coz my soul is not in my body lmao. I’m finding it easier to not smoke weed today, probs coz I still have alcohol in my system. I feel reset? In a good way, I’m letting go of everything, I wasn’t in my body last night, I don’t know where I go, I know it’s just like a switch In my brain but like spiritually speaking I don’t believe I was in my body. And I went away somewhere, roaming the endless black space until my body called for me back. I could have died. I’m an absolute beast when I’m blacked out, this is a good time to continue step 4…. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. Its hard to crack that one open, but idc as long as I’m writing. The fearless thing is what I can’t seem to shake, I’m scared. Uncomfortable, embarrassed. But fuck it, idc how I feel, lol. Just keep writing.
I feel born again, when I come back to my body with no memory. It’s scary. I don’t know what’s going on, how I got home…. My body is sore and I feel sick, I’m so excited to be sober again. Lol, thought I’d never hear the words…. I like what I do, I have so many goals, im literally doing the best I can which is amazing I’m doing so well, I’m not gonna let this effect me negatively at all. I’m so grateful. I feel very grateful for my awareness. I’m so happy with my writings, as rough as they are…. Am I even an alcoholic? Lol no I’m not, I’m not addicted to that feeling. Drinking stops a lot of feelings and makes me feel happy, but it’s not real, I’m not there. My ego is having a fkn field day lmao yanno what she deserved it she’s amazing too, now I realise I don’t need it. I don’t need it. I have a choice, everytime, and I make the right ones everytime. Every choice and decision is the right one that benefits me the most. I believe that. I love my messy writing. My handwriting is so beautiful and I get compliments all the time. I don’t even say the B word anymore. Even tho I feel it, I don’t say it, I’m not B word, I started saying ‘I need inspiration’ instead of the B word, honestly it didn’t really work lol, so I just stopped saying anything that might be negative in anyway lmaooo. I can’t be B word with time, appreciate the moment your in.
I’m listening to Tylers new album, fkn slaps of course, I appreciate the effort that goes into an album like Tylers, i have to give it up to Tyler every time, the discography is an art museum and of course I heard bastard. The first piano chord drew me in like pretreated carrying treats. Lol. Then I said to myself… fuck is he speaking to me? BLESSED just to played for the first time, beautiful. And I totally agree
Writing has also helped me to think more positively, because I only want to write positively, or like in a positive nature, my drug & alcohol therapist doesn’t think it’s a good idea lol. She wants me to keep it real, but I do keep it real… I’m just positive about it, hopefully I can finally let that thought go aswell lol it stays in my head coz I got triggered when she said that.
Not trying to impress anyone is so hard for me sometimes it’s all I think about. Always thinking about other people’s thoughts on me. Why, because I can’t have it? Lol. A child. I’m also grateful to my body for not being super dramatic after drinking, usually my mania and anxiety decided to rip thru life while I’m still getting rid of the alcohol that in my body, piss, shit or vomit it out. I thought I didn’t have a bad hangover because I didn’t drink much. But considering I was skulling the tequila I’m very grateful I didn’t have a killer headache, and almost die of death, I felt good enough to be able to look after myself and I did just that. Thank you for taking care of me. I love and trust you very much. The world is beautiful and life is truly amazing. Just like Tyler’s new album lol, thank you so much Tyler for dropping this masterpiece and making my life a little better. If writing is all I do today, I’ve done enough. Though I should study today.
I’m probably gonna be single forever so I’m just looking for someone funny to have around lol. Kind of like a boyfriend but not my boyfriend, lol. I’m single by CHOICE my guy, i have em lined up.. nah I’m kidding I’m a wallflower… nah I’m not… because I don’t want to be ahahahah. I need to remember that I didn’t ruin anything because I chose to drink. Imagine how gross it smells inside your body…. Ew lol, coz like my room smelt like roast potatoes before, and I just finished the potatoes and now I can’t smell it anymore… coz I swallowed the smell…. Hahahahaah wtf, I don’t feel myself living my head, I feel myself living in the moment, I feel so different, my mind feels different, i think I may have cracked the code lol. I can’t live someone else’s life, and I can’t try. I must work on my own life, for my own reasons. I’m very excited to receive my ‘big book’ that a church organisation donated to me.
I don’t have a desire to be ‘locked in’ with anybody. I’m so happy to be single, I’m comfortable being single, I don’t like anyone else :) that was such a hard and long lesson to learn, but I genuinely am so happy on my own, adding a person into my life stresses me out, and no one is worth it to me.
‘Sobriety is everything alcohol promised me’ ha, beautiful.
Music is also very important in my life, the type of music is also important, I don’t listen to bullshit anymore. I listen to art. I see music as art, I treat it as art, I appreciate it like art.
I could have really hurt myself last night…. I need to be more careful. I gave in, but I’m okay and I’m starting again now… maybe I needed this day, like I needed to get snapped back into reality, my beautiful reality. I’m not a bad person, I have been but that’s not who I am. I’m not an anxious person, I’m not a depressed person, I’m not an idiot. I’m confident, I’m happy, I’m free, I’m sensitive, I’m maternal, I’m a safe place. I’m know I’m gonna be rich soon. I need to be more assertive, I need to work on that. Because I’m too scared to do anything to talk to anyone, but I need to otherwise I won’t get anything. I need to pull up to my job and get some hours so I can do what I what I’m already doing, but better. I’m already doing everything I want to do, I’m studying my ass off, I’m writing everyday, I’m so happy with myself.
Stop trying to be someone you’re not. You’re weird, it’s safe to be weird. Be happy with your uniqueness, don’t ever forget your gorgeous inside and out. I love the fucking way I write it’s so refreshing and funny lol. Maybe I’m the only one but I’m funny.
I obviously have to be on the same page with someone in order to be in a relationship with them, and I’m just not on these bitches page, yanno I think im a completely different book, that’s why I never fit these standards, im different. Different than ‘normal’ im different, im not bad because im different. I can only sleep with someone if they’re my friend and make me laugh hahahahaha. Doesn’t exist mate, therefore, I don’t sleep with anyone hahaah. Just be me man, just be me. I feel real life right now. I’ve been super gentle with myself today, it’s rough but I’m still smiling
The absolute best thing I can do for myself is write it out. Write it out. RIDE IT OUT. IVE LITERALLY BEEN SAYING RIDE IT OUT EVERY TIME I FEEL BOMBARDED WITH EMOTIONS, which I haven’t actually had a problem with for a while…. I’m super medicated, oh speaking of medication, I’m running low on weed, ahhhh. Nah lol I’m not really freaking out about that either. I guess I might.. nah I won’t even say it.. well I kinda just did fam, lol, I don’t believe it tho, that’s crackhead moments, I don’t freak out over no weed, writing actually takes me away just as well. Even better because of all its benefits. Ugh they’re the same hhaahahah omg I love writing as much as I love weed bro, wawwww I’ve come so far, I really really have. I don’t freak out over having no weed now**** as in, im gonna try not freak out tomorrow when it’s gone, and come to writing instead. Slow down. I’m a completely different person compared to the person I was yesterday morning. Everything has changed, everything has shifted, I’m on new grounds, I know everything is working out for me. I’ve avoided the computer all day, my room was a pigsty when I woke up. I have fresh sheets now :)
Im back at the computer hehe, its a mess over here. Brb. even just a small genuine conversation with myself, is so loved, I can barely hear or think its so crowded, its like I’m confused, but when everything slows down, I can actually see my thoughts as clouds because nothing else matters. I can hear myself think, I think thats what I’m trying to say lol. Its a nice noise. The quiet. The simpleness of it all, I love all my moments, I’m okay with every moment, and every version of myself that presents itself. Ummmmm…. I feel like writing I’m suicidal, sometimes those kind of feelings just don’t shake they just keep coming back, its uncomfortable, and hard to resist the pros, which is ; I don’t have to feel that any more. I know not to act, I have learnt not to try and act, its not my exit. But it gets dangerous for me, and so when I’m suicidal, the hospital would be the best place, I feel safe locked away by myself, nurses are nice and patients are friendly. Lol, I loved my last stay in the hospital, I wrote a lot when I was in there, I really enjoyed being alone, I felt safe with my nurse, I felt safe in my room, I felt free, I was writing, I was sober (forcefully) but I loved it, I jus needed to be alone and have someone come check on me and give me meds like I was living the life tbh. It was amazing, and I left, because my mum told me to, and went to work Monday like nothing happened. That is where I went wrong, I left the hospital, if I had just stayed, who knows my entire life might have been different, coz once I left, I had the most manic episode lasting a solid 3-4 months. heavily drinking nearly every single day, I was doing 4 day benders one day off. I didn’t even get sick it was like I got the right to drink because I didn’t get hungover and I was high functioning. I would love to sit at the table with her. I was always outside on the fkn table, getting pissed. With my ini now folks, lol. Jesus, lol. I was the stereotypical Maori on the piss all the fun time, a messsssss, a mess. I couldn’t even imagine the kind of things I would have done, not remembering at all. I didn’t care about anything, I had no thoughts, I had no worries, I had money, like I was living it the fuck up, in the bush land lol, some crazy memories from that episode, the crash was hard, oof. I am not a violent person, but liquor does something to me, I guess my ego gets hurt and I switch and I’m violent. Its a very hard switch to switch when I’m sober, or smoking, like I’m never mad like that with anyone, its easy to flip when I’m drunk.i think I needed to get drunk, to write this, to write everything I ever write in the future, its a big ripple effect I have created, and I’m so excited.
I didn’t think we would ever move from my small town in New Zealand. so moving countries, took a big toll on me, I remember specifically asking my mum as a child if we were moving countries and she said she would never, and then its like a couple months later and I have to say goodbye to everything I know, I just finished primary school and was headed to intermediate and go to the school I have always wanted to go to, the school I couldn’t wait to go to, all my friends were going, it was going to be perfect. It was far from perfect, my transition between the two countries it was a culture shock. I was so confused but I was very happy to be with my family, at least I still had my family. For a little bit before I went through puberty and got sexually assaulted by a family member. Which I think I’m healed enough to talk about, I’m still very confused about it, Im still trying to figure out how to heal fully, or just be okay in my truth, yes its uncomfortable, its not my fault. But lets look at the things I can do; react differently. Not using my thoughts to cover my pain. There are many different versions of me to go back to and help. I have the ability to. I can be the one thats there for me… at least I know ill show up, lol. Show up for yourself every single day.
I really have been writing all day, my title makes me want to not stop, its kind of a good hack,
#blogging#new blog#mental health#actually bipolar#actually borderline#mental instability#actually bpd#original post#original writing#original words#alcohol#alcoholic
1 note
·
View note
Text
first listen through thoughts! mostly just incoherent screaming lmao. i know it's out everywhere by now but it's under the cut just incase
the greatest
fucks so much. hadn't listened for a while since the leak and tbh i'm glad
written all over your face
that intro? sexy i love her. HEY BABE. omg. GOOD LORD. OH MY GOD DUDE. THIS IS SO. i'm sorry i just can't words rn but. this is my honey granola playlist (i know yall don't know what that means but like !!) the part before can we pls get back to loving can we pls get back to us. i am deceased.
lucky again
the production wowww it's astronomically better
face the music
obsessed. the pre chorus!! let's buy some time !! the whole first verse god. i'm. HHHH
chicago
zouis song bc we can. the vibes are >> sorry you' mum don't like me 1d flashbacks. so normal about that jumper line btw
all this time
omg the start man's jumping in my headphone. his voice here hhgh it's so soft. i lose my home -> i lose your home. girl im feeling some kind way about this.
headline
excited for this one alr bc of the title. pride beauty kindness sir :eyes: that's the reason you're not mine…hmmmm
saturdays
uh. zouis song fr tho?? idk i'm just being sad as fuck about this bc. this is me and a friend of mine.
she is beauty we are world class
THE INTRO. we are in a club we are DANCING. something something square sunglasses asfsff FABRICATED FAIRYTALES. WTF. verse 2 i want to marry you. god i was initially so against this j based on the title and it goes to show this song slaps. i want to live in the bridge.
common people
oh no. louis why do you keep making me sad. the themes. the themes of leaving home and coming back, of childhood friends and so much changing and still being the same. sir i Cannot do this rn
angels fly
nothing rlly matters so tru louis. shit this album is just so soft. it's a sweater and a hug and a blanket. there's no other word for what his voice is doing other than…soaring. sorry.
holding on to heartache
oh i adore this song. honestly this goes for all the songs but sonically, this album is SO in tune with what i mostly listen to and also the production is SO good.
that's the way love goes
i'm sorry it's giving 1d. but also this is very sweet. love a good narrative song. omg miss you reference? OH GOODNESS the harmonies. i'm. oh wow. not going to ask you, but we'll make sure you're okay - this is rlly friendship encapsulated huh?
paradise
oh god i did not expect to be hit so hard by this. paradise and matilda are sisters.
0 notes
Note
MATCHUP PLEASE??? IVE LITERALLY BEEN WAITING FOR THIS. i'm sorry if this is very very rambly, im just excited.
Ghost, he/they/xe/its, whoever but stirs towards more masc people, poly. I am a March Aries, born march 31st. I have two sides to me, overly loud/chaotic, and then the quiet side.... who is normally trying to plan how to fucking kill everyone or wishing i wasn't there.
Anger issues to the max. My knuckles are scarred due to black outs because at school i bottle up my anger so i don't lash out and hurt someone, so i end up punching brick walls/trees. Which end up causing wounds on my knuckles/hands.
I hate idiotic people, people who don't know how to stop being immature even when repeatedly being told countless times. I have quite literally stabbed someone in the arm because I asked her about ten times to stop laughing and staring at me.
Very bad anxiety, so I normally bottle everything up until I hit a breaking point. This point could be me either having an anger fit(ex, punching shit, yelling, just in a angry mood), or have a silent breakdown(ex, where i shut everyone out, go nonverbal for a hot minute, and ignore everyone).
I love natures and animals, both literally deserve to be treated better than they are. Half of the animals now days wouldn't act aggressive towards us if we have left them alone. I heavily believe that animals deserve the world.
I listen to music 24 fucking 7. I cannot live without it, I have quite literally had breakdowns because I didn't have something to listen to music with. I listen to a lot of rock/metal genre type music, but my music taste is all over the place. I do NOT like country music minus a few songs, and all of them are the older songs.
Famous Last Words, SlipKnot, KoRn, Get Scared, Hollywood Undead, Guns N' Roses, Queen, Falling In Reverse, Black Viel Brides, the list goes on.
Weird facts/facts/extra, basically me just rambling;
I love collecting. Animal bones, tapestry's, blankets, rocks, crystals, sticks, literally anything.
I love dancing in the rain, even if its lighting and thundering.
Huge anything horror/weird type of person. I love weird shit and gore. Like even if I'm cringing at it, I'm like "holy shit this is fun to watch"
I kinda believe in zodiac signs? Like they make who you are but I'm not the type of person where it controls every little thing about you.
Very very awkward in person, and I have anxiety. I love talking though, if I know/trust you please expect your ear to be talked off if you even remotely bring up a topic I love.
Artist!! I have like 5 filled sketchbooks. I love writing as well, although I'm not really good at it.
I love walks, especially if its quiet and in nature. I just get irritated if the people im walking with are constantly talking.
LEMME KNOW IF U NEED MOREE
Here you go, dude. No need to pester anymore. >:)
Just a reminder that I don't take matchup requests anymore, I am just answering them!!!
🎰🎰🎰🎰🎰🎰🎰🎰🎰🎰🎰🎰🎰🎰🎰🎰🎰🎰
🧢Bo Sinclair🧢
"I have two sides to me, overly loud/chaotic, and then the quiet side.... who is normally trying to plan how to fucking kill everyone or wishing I wasn't there."
Bo relates heavily to that.
His usual self is rather loud and annoying and he knows that. However, there's a lot of tranquility in him whenever he needs to seriously focus. He has his town and brothers to protect.
He definitely understands this point of you and it fills him with relief. He hasn't met many people, well he hasn't met anyone at all, who feels the same way he does.
"Anger issues to the max. My knuckles are scarred due to blackouts because at school I bottle up my anger so I don't lash out and hurt someone, so I end up punching brick walls/trees. Which end up causing wounds on my knuckles/hands."
Oh, he understands that.
During his time in school, he faced thousands of such accidents that often left his classmates scarred and bruised and he won't tell you that, but it wasn't even his intention. He did not want to hurt him, yet the internal pain he felt at that time was simply too much. He couldn't take it.
He still hasn't faced his anger issues. They often ruin good "hunts" because his emotions cross with his strategical, rational thinking and he hates it.
"I hate idiotic people, people who don't know how to stop being immature even when repeatedly being told countless times. I have quite literally stabbed someone in the arm because I asked her about ten times to stop laughing and staring at me."
I can hear Bo laughing about that story from here.
But yeah, he feels the same. Bo has general hate for everyone he deems idiotic which is everyone really so he agrees to that.
"I listen to music 24 fucking 7. I cannot live without it, I have quite literally had breakdowns because I didn't have something to listen to music with. I listen to a lot of rock/metal genre-type music, but my music taste is all over the place. I do NOT like country music minus a few songs, and all of them are the older songs."
Same with Bo, he can not live without his music. He always has it playing in the background, be it during a nasty process of torturing or simply while he works on his cars.
Just a warning: He will play country music to annoy the shit out of you. But he himself, prefers hard rock and punk rock, too, so it's not a regular occurrence.
"Famous Last Words, SlipKnot, KoRn, Get Scared, Hollywood Undead, Guns N' Roses, Queen, Falling In Reverse, Black Viel Brides, the list goes on."
You listen to a lot of stuff, he used to listen to as a teen so he does have quite the knowledge. Nowadays he's circling more and more to the classics: ACDC, Marylin Manson, Black Sabbath, maybe even a bit of Slayer, and so on.
"Huge anything horror/weird type of person. I love weird shit and gore. Like even if I'm cringing at it, I'm like "holy shit this is fun to watch"
Bo fucking loves that. I don't think he watches a lot of horror, simply because he doesn't have any movies at home, but he does enjoy some good gore. Something he absolutely doesn't like are squeamish people. He thinks people who can't stand gore are pussies so Uhm, he does appreciate your open mind.
"I love walks, especially if it's quiet and in nature. I just get irritated if the people I'm walking with are constantly talking."
Surprising, but Bo loves walks as well. He will talk though. Just drown him out, really, he just likes to vent about his day during times like this, encased by quiet woods that'll never spill any of the secrets he's so carelessly letting out.
🪁Rufus T. Firefly🪁
Impossible to find a gif from this man, Jesus.
"Very bad anxiety, so I normally bottle everything up until I hit a breaking point. This point could be me either having an anger fit(ex, punching shit, yelling, just in an angry mood), or have a silent breakdown(ex, where I shut everyone out, go nonverbal for a hot minute, and ignore everyone)."
Rufus doesn't look the type but he definitely understands that. He too gets anxious a lot. How could he not, with this family?
He's there for you, whether it be to listen to you vent or let you cry into his shoulder.
"I love natures and animals, both literally deserve to be treated better than they are. Half of the animals nowadays wouldn't act aggressively towards us if we have left them alone. I heavily believe that animals deserve the world."
He'd never openly admit this but he agree. As someone who eats meat and also kills animals, he tries his best to treat them at least with a bit of respect, not like his brother would. Otis has less empathy for smaller beings like animals than Rufus.
"I love collecting. Animal bones, tapestry's, blankets, rocks, crystals, sticks, literally anything."
Rufus does that as well! Though, he mostly focuses on bones. and not just animal bones. He likes to make little stuff out of them, maybe even carve something into them. He'll likely gift you some of his creations every now and then.
"I love dancing in the rain, even if its storming and thundering."
The first time he sees you outside he just scoffs and grins softly. You look adorable like that. He quickly joins you, wrapping his jacket around you so you don't fucking freeze to death. It will take years to convince him to dance but god, after you've convinced him, he fucking loves it. (pls tell me you want a fic with this I want to write this now.)
"I kinda believe in zodiac signs? Like they make who you are but I'm not the type of person where it controls every little thing about you."
He really doesn't believe in it and he loves arguing about it. If you're comfortable enough with mindless bickering, he could spend the whole day doing it. Baby finds it extremely amusing, and Otis fucking hates it.
"Very very awkward in person, and I have anxiety. I love talking though, if I know/trust you please expect your ear to be talked off if you even remotely bring up a topic I love."
Like I said before, Rufus absolutely understands that. And he's like a giant teddy bear. If you want to calm down by just rambling while he holds you, that is fine by him. That man is touch starved anyway.
And he finds your random talks endearing, he really does. Rufus is not the biggest talker so he adores if he can just listen to you.
"Artist!! I have like 5 filled sketchbooks. I love writing as well, although I'm not really good at it."
he has never drawn anything and he doubts he'd be good at it. He prefers to work with wood or bones, so his subject's more carving and that kind of stuff. He does like to watch you draw though.
And if you draw him, he melts. Obviously, he doesn't show it. But every drawing you give him, he keeps in his drawer, safely tucked away from his nosy siblings.
HOPE YOU LIKE IT AAAA!!
#lebenspurpur talks with ghost#matchup#slasher matchup#matchups#slasher matchups#slasher x reader#bo sinclair x reader#bo sinclair#rufus t. firefly#rufus firefly#rufus firefly x reader#house of 1000 corpses#three from hell#the devils rejects#house of wax
23 notes
·
View notes
Note
Howdy again! I hope ur doing well also idk if I asked this HC already (I think I asked 2 people this HC but I’m not sure which one 😅) so I apologize if I’m repeating myself. But can I have an HC w both the EMH & TT boys where their so is in art school (specifically animation major). And their s/o needs them as a reference for an assignment? Idk the thought a few of them having to sit there in a complicated ass pose for like 2 hours while their s/o draws them or animates them is hilarious to me. 😂 cuz I know damn well some of them would have no patience for that!
You did not ask me so you're all good! Also im doing awesome. I got to go to the zoo yesterday and I'm still pumped by it. -Mod Dirk
Evan:
When you asked him if you could use him as a reference he said yes absolutely.
He would try pulling some manly pose like flexing his muscles. To which you would roll your eyes and laugh.
"What? I have to show off my muscle tone so you can get it right!"
He can't stay in the pose. 5 mins in he asks to switch poses.
Sad for you he does that every 5 mins.
You finally have to just stand him straight up and make him wait.
You get a c+ because most of your time was spent getting him still than using him as a reference.
Vinnie:
You went to him and it took a bit of resistance. Only a few pretty pleases and he caved.
He sits like a normal person. Always the lawful neutral.
"Is sitting okay? Or do you need me to stand? How long will we be doing this?"
He continues to ask questions and partially distract you.
He cannot handle a quiet room I am so sorry.
You get a B because you were able to get the work done but not focus fully.
Jeff:
You made sure to hit him in a moment he wasn't busy with Alex. It was a definite yes of course.
The tamest boy out of the three.
Can stay still and be in a quiet room.
Just happy to be able to spend time with you like this to be honest.
Also happy to have a moment of fuckin peace.
"This is the nicest break I've ever had."
You get an A and your animation studio prof shows it to other classes as an example.
Habit:
This asshole only said yes because his ego.
Has knives on a belt and an axe in his hands.
He can stay still but will he shut up? Absolutely not.
"You better make sure to get every angle right"
That is indeed a thinly veiled threat.
He also had an exception it had to be a small animation about him completely.
You got an A but only because the teacher was freaked out by the animation. And Habit threatened them.
Noah:
Oh boy...You love him to death but it was kind of hard to get him to agree.
He knew he wouldn't be able to stay still very well and tried to tell you no so you wouldn't waste your time.
He stands awkwardly and stiff.
Hes trying his best okay? He's never done this before.
"Well how am I supposed to stand?" To which you respond with, "Like a normal human?"
He doesn't move on purpose but he twitches and shakes. He cannot physically stay still.
You get a B+ and you start using him for references more often.
Kevin:
This boy was so flattered when you asked him.
Honestly? Super excited and was just waiting for the moment you could use him as a reference.
But, he asks you a lot of questions.
"Do you think you'll get a good grade? How long have you been doing animation you've never told me before."
He just wants to learn more about you and saw this as the perfect opportunity.
Of course you answer them. But you only get half done.
You get a C and a week to redo. But you tell him you got an A.
Firebrand:
Cocky. Said he knew you'd ask him eventually so sure.
"How long do we do this for? I mean I have all eternity."
He stands less awkward and more confident.
Doesn't twitch but does like teleporting away when you aren't looking to do something else.
You catch him once. He laughs and promises he won't do it again. He does several times more but you don't catch him again.
You get an A- and boy he's fucking proud.
The observer:
Think Habits ego and Firebrands cocky attitude and you see why he agreed to this so fast.
He crosses his arms and does a wacky pose.
Which would be great.
But everytime you look back up he's in a slightly different pose.
"I'm not doing anything!"
You get an A because like Habit, he scares the shit out of your prof when he sees you almost got a D.
Milo:
Flustered but said yes because you asked so sweetly.
Hes tame and good at sitting still.
Has idle conversation with you the entire time. It's like a nice date.
"Can I see it when you're done?"
Of course you show him and he has stars in his eyes.
You get a B+ and Milo asks you all the time if you need a reference now.
Prebrand (As a treat)
Agrees to agree.
Cannot stay still.
Forgets why he's there so you have to consistently remind him.
Talks so fast you can't even understand what he's saying.
Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.
You don't even finish the project and you get an F. :( Sorry babe.
#mod dirk answers#cw tribetwelve#tw tribetwelve#firebrand tribetwelve#the observer#noah maxwell#evan emh#habit emh#emh vincent#emh jeff#kevin haas#milo asher
46 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
roofgeneralstore
ROOF GENERAL STORE
tehepexunemu
Untitled
cresslog
archie
catkin-morgs-kookaburralover
Christianity shows up where you least expect it
photon-star-space
Born as CharmedBalthazar, Reborn as Photon