i think that through the years Sadie does become better and finds new friends and in a sense moves on from everything that was the year 1899 and maybe when she finds out through the grapevine that Dutch is dead she raises a glass in- what? in celebration? in respect? in regret? with hate towards the nasty man? with love towards the man who found her widoved and took her into his weird family? or should we call it as it is- was, a gang of cold-blooded killers?

who is sadie if not one of them. she might not be sure of anything these days outside of bounties and money, but when the nights are colder and the fire is cracking and the desert is more silent than usual that we can still hear the sobs of a woman who lost all and gained something new just to be alone in the end.

life is starting to feel like praying to god to kill me again

Day fifty-two | id in alt

She's reasonably pissed about being gnome height.

.

Hey babes, sorry I've been dead, but I coulda been literally dead if I had not gone.

I didn't hurt myself and we're still figuring things out. I would love to share but I've already forgotten what I've learned. I hope I get more guidance and time for healing and learning on how to lead my life in a better direction than where I was. But that takes time and effort.

I hope to get some rest, get some support, and get it together. But right now, I don't think it's healthy for me to worry about art in the way I do now. I may not express it here, but trying to maintain my art endeavors/projects while there's so much bullshit going on backstage is not helping me. Especially since I'm not even obligated to do so. But trying to force myself to do something I am currently unable to do will just make me feel worse. I'll follow my dreams and passions one day, but I've been putting off the healing process for years.

So I guess it's better to get better now so I can get the ball rolling again. Why drive on a flat tire?

surprise art attack!!! here’s @deityofhearts ‘s cashmere, everyone’s favorite whimsical tiefling

Had a really good conversation with my therapist yesterday that has left me feeling better about life & the future than I have in... months, honestly (which also has me feeling really good about her ability to help me continue sorting through things).

I was talking about my distress about the future and in particular what I'm going to do when I graduate, since grad school isn't the most stable option, and she pointed out that since I was spiraling over hypotheticals, maybe it made sense to simply make up my mind about the first step, since applying to grad school is hardly the same as committing to grad school. And she was so right. I am so good at feeling like I need to make the right, perfect decision -- especially after making mistakes with school in the past -- that I have been worrying myself into depressive spirals over what the "right" decision is here. But making up my mind to at least apply and find out what my options are is a decision, that will give me a lot more information in the long run than paralysis over if it's "okay" to apply at all.

It'll still take a lot of work, obviously, and l don't know if I'll even get in anywhere, much less actually commit to doing a PhD if I do. But it has taken such an incredible weight off my shoulders just to say "Okay, I am going to apply, what next?" Because it means I can put all that nervous energy to actual use! Instead of spiraling the next time I start thinking about my options in the future, I can go do research on different PhD programs (without feeling guilty the whole time, like I have been until now)! I can ask my favorite professors for advice! I can reach out to current grad students to ask what they think of their advisors! All of which is actually productive and will help me make the most informed choice I can if and when the time comes, instead of ruminating endlessly on what the "best" one is!

TL;DR -- my therapist is very smart and understands me and the things my brain gets stuck on in a big way, and her advice has dislodged literal months of extremely disordered thinking just like that. Because now I feel like I've made a choice and have something to work towards. And also like I can breathe.

The Tudors ran so Wulf Hall could shuffle awkwardly around reiterating the same tired old Tudor stereotypes while claiming to be something new.

Obligatory: i am still very delicate. be gentle with me.

I made the worst decision starting on this post thats been living in my brain right before I have to go to work today, now this is all I’m gonna be thinking about instead of focusing 😭

Also easily the worst post currently in my drafts someone save me from it

guys i hate myself so much it genuinely gives me a stomach ache

I hate when people say Hannibal "ruined" Will's perfect life with Molly shuuut up Will made his own choices. Will conveniently walked his dogs when Jack was there and left Molly alone with him knowing he would show her crime scene photos and she'd try to make Will go. He said he knew what he was doing going back after Molly got hurt. Hannibal told him not to come back even and Will ingored it! We need to acknowledge Will is a manipulative person and makes his own choices

.

I've seen people suggest Danny using an inhaler, cigarettes, or a vape as a prop/cover story for his ghost sense, but have we considered both options can be used and coexist if we let other halfas have ghost senses they need to hide as well?

I think Danny would probably fake smoking or vaping to hide his ghost sense (since people probably already think he is a deliquent) and Elle would likely go the inhaler route to avoid getting the same label as Danny.

thinking about how denji said, “every woman ive ever met has tried to kill me” and how he said “everyone wants chainsaw man’s heart, what about denjis” and how we have yet to see denjis pov outside of school but we know that hes heartbreakingly alone like hes never been before bc even if nayuta lives with him the fun and joyful life he risked his life for (the life they built together) is gone

i quit meds as often as i quit jobs and maybe, idk maybe because of these things, that’s why?

okay this scene is making me emotional in multiple different ways right now

in a sweet way because the knowledge that he used to use his magic to keep her warm when she was little, and did it enough for it to become her nickname, is absolutely ADORABLE

but also in a sad way because like. okay, in my experience, when you're a little kid:

when your parent who is pretty much always cold to you does something to hurt you, of course that sucks. but you're like "yeah, of course that happened, they're just mean like that."

but when your parent who is sweet to you sometimes, who has proven themself *capable* of warmth, does something to hurt you, it feels 3x worse. it feels like a betrayal. sometimes you might even wonder it it was because of you

so here we have alador, who kept her warm, who she looked up to. but who neglected her and helped his wife abuse her.

and i doubt it was a flipped switch that happened one day to change him from "good dad" to "bad dad". i even doubt that it was a linear development from good to bad.

i doubt that memory in understanding willow was an isolated incident. he'd probably hurt his childrens' feelings multiple times long before he was forced to really withdraw from them. and in between those incidents, he was probably pretty sweet and kind to them.

and when you're so young, you have no choice but to accept that kindness. you're evolutionarily hardwired to seek out the care of a parental figure. so you run back into their arms even though you're scared they're gonna betray you again.

and amity STILL seemed to care about him, at the older age of 14 when you don't have such an instinctive pull to seek the care of an adult, after all that he'd done and after barely seeing him anymore. her whole goal of joining the tournament in reaching out was to feel close to him, even though he hadn't started to redeem himself and she didn't trust him enough to accept a hug from him.

so she'd probably been really hurt every time he sided with her mother. and him pulling away was probably really painful. and she's probably dealing with so many complicated emotions as she starts to trust him again, even with the proof that he's actually improved and won't hurt her again

ouch