Is someone worried about Barca-Atleti match this Sunday, or is it just me?

 구미호뎐 | Tale of the Nine Tailed - Lost in Translation EP01

In which my sister and I sat down with a pint of mint chocolate chip and wrote down everything that occurred to us while watching the fan-subbed version of TotNT EP01. Contains mild spoilers. 

Prologue

We open with an excerpt from the Hyeonjoonggi (현중기・玄中記), which the internet informs me originated in China sometime between 265-317 CE. In Korea in particular, gumiho are typically thought of as being female, but this is an example of a classical text that says they can be either. From what director Kang Shin Hyo said at the TotNT press conference, the premise of TotNT began with the idea of challenging this base assumption by making the gumiho male and placing him in modern-day Seoul. I would translate the passage as follows:

When a fox becomes 100, it can become a beautiful woman, or become a man who has relations with women. A fox that lives for 1000 years communes with the heavens and becomes a cheon’ho (heavenly fox). Its gifts are like that of a powerful shamaness; it can perceive things more than 1000 leagues distant.”  

To my sense, the passage was introduced to show precedent for the existence of male gumiho in traditional folklore, as well as to illustrate that foxes over 1000 (cheon’ho) can be closer to deities than monsters.

On to the show. The year is 1999. I’m surprised the subs left ‘Fox Ridge’ untranslated as Yeou Gogae since it seems like it would be relevant information that the place where the accident takes place is somehow tied to foxes. 

When the imposter parents (who I believe are also foxes) chase little Ji Ah up into her room and her not-dad says, “You little brat!” (or at least, that’s what the subs we’re watching say), this is an example of what’s called ‘code switching.’ His phrasing is somewhat old-fashioned, which in this case helps to give the impression that he’s not human since it’s the cant of creatures in traditional fairytales. For anyone studying Korean, the line is, “요 년 봐라,” where ‘nyeon’ might mean anywhere from ‘girl’ to ‘wench’ or even ‘bitch.’  

Okay, I have to ask. Does no one else in Seoul drive on Fox Ridge? How did Ji Ah have time to go home, get attacked, and then be returned to the scene of the accident (I’m assuming by Yeon) before anyone came across it? 

Also, how did Yeon know where to take her? He tells grown Ji Ah that he just happened upon her after catching the scent of blood, but I get the sense there’s more to the story than that. I feel like this is part of a larger pattern wherein Yeon goes out of his way to rescue someone and then pretends as if he didn’t.

Episode 01 Title Card: What Happened on Fox Ridge

According to Yeon’s alarm, our current timeline begins on Saturday, August 29, 2020, and he has a wedding to attend. 2020 yet no COVID19? I guess this really is a fantasy drama. ;p

The BGM playing while Yeon gets ready is called ‘The Fox's Wedding Day,’ or, more literally, ‘day when a fox goes to be married’ (Yeou ga shijip ganeun nal) and it’s actually Yeon’s theme. I was expecting his theme to be the track entitled ‘Gumiho,’ but I guess not lol

The sun-shower. In both Japan and Korea, a sun-shower is known as ‘a fox’s wedding’ (kitsune no yome-iri/yeou ga shijip ganeun nal), so this is already cluing us in that the bride is a fox (I say ‘bride’ because both these phrasings typically apply to a bride marrying into her husband’s house. The phrasing is different for grooms, who ‘receive’ the bride). This is what Yeon means when he arrives at the wedding hall and says, “That’s because a fox is getting married today.”

It’s strange to me that the bride’s identity has completely dropped out of the subs. She’s Yeou Nui (literally ‘fox sister’), a folklore character of the Brothers Grim-style horror school of fairytales. Her thing is that she’s a gumiho who preys on families with only sons who desperately want a daughter. She insinuates herself into their lives, brings calamity down upon them, and finally, eats their livers. Like most fairytales, there are many permutations of her story, but many of them feature her saying she’s consumed 999 livers. I understand where - absent this context - some people might have seen Yeon as the bad guy here (spoiler: he’s not). 

The subtitle here for Yeon’s line says: “But you need to know that changing your identity isn’t as simple as you think.” What he literally says is:

Yeon: How did you go to ground so completely? You think that if you change your face and your identity, your blood-stained past will change too, right? But changing lives isn’t as simple* as changing subway lines. [*Note: ‘simple’ is in English]

This is the first real dialogue we get from Yeon, and one thing it’s doing very intentionally is showcasing just how much he’s adapted to modern life. It does this both with the content of what he says (talking about changing subway lines), as well as with the amount of English loan words he tosses around. So I personally would have kept the bit about the subway in if I had been translating. 

Yeou Nui’s line was translated as, “Please forgive me,” but it should more properly be, “Spare me,” or “Let me live.” Yeon is an enforcer, not a judge. (Also, ‘forgive’ is another word entirely).

Yeon’s line that’s subbed, “Listen, you fox. How could you dare dream of having a happy ending after eating so many livers?” is the result of what’s called diagonal translation, which is an unfortunate side-effect of subtitling conventions. What he literally says is:

Yeon: Yeou Nui, after eating the livers of countless adoptive parents and older brothers* how can you dream of a happy ending? 

[*Note: The word he uses for ‘brothers’ here is 오라비들, which is a semi-antiquated word, and again, the sort of language used in folktales] 

Yeon’s line, “Here’s a piece of advice” is more literally, “Here’s a bit of advice stemming from experience,” which is the first hint we get in-drama that he’s been in a similar position. 

Nam Ji Ah

We get our first introduction to adult Ji Ah as she narrates the script she’s editing for her TV program on her way to the wedding hall. When Jae Hwan worries about her changing the script without the writer’s permission (again lol), Ji Ah's response translated literally would be: 

Ji Ah: Then let’s go with this. PDs’ livers have to be swollen or coming out of their bodies. 

That’s a pretty disgusting image in English, so I don’t blame the subs for changing it to something more sensical and less graphic. But as a cultural note, in Korea and Japan, having a large liver means to be gutsy or brave. Ji Ah’s character description similarly describes her as, ‘a woman whose liver is [so large it’s] coming out of her body,’ meaning she’s about as gutsy as it gets. 

Okay, call me a cynic, but I loved Ji Ah’s line about not being able to digest wedding food due to the choking atmosphere of forced happiness pfft 

Jae Hwan saying, “Who knows? You may meet your destined partner at a place like this,” as Yeon walks by in the background = Jae Hwan unwittingly hitting the nail of the head #1

Lol Yeon acting like a bored kid held captive at a dinner party while the wedding takes place. Bless Lee Dong Wook because I’m sure it’s all ad libbed. I feel like this could be a game: spot the LDW ad lib. 

The Wedding Hall Incident

When Yeon returns to her dressing room after the wedding, Yeou Nui changes tactics from begging to putting her hackles up and challenging Yeon. Linguistically, that’s marked by her code switching to an archaic cant. Yeon, however, remains unfazed and responds with the most modern thing possible, completely undermining her bravado:

Yeou Nui: Oh former master of Baekdudaegan, what authority have you to condemn us?

Yeon: Get a hold of how she’s talking (rhetorical). Hey, if it wasn’t for you I would’ve been watching American TV shows while eating ice cream today!

Okay, I love the way Yeon materializes his sword. I thought he was (un-)transforming his umbrella at first, but he later does it with a plank of wood so I assume he can do this with pretty much anything?

On the topic of his sword, I posted a gif set not long ago referring to it as a sa’ingeom (사인검), literally ‘Four Tigers Sword’ (referring to the year, month, day, and hour of the tiger when such swords were supposedly forged). You’ll notice it doesn’t have a cross-guard since they’re traditionally ceremonial swords rather than actual weapons. The first sa’ingeom were made during the reign of King Taejo (1392-1398), but I assume they gave him one despite it being somewhat anachronistic because they’re also said to cut down evil spirits and ward against calamity. Mostly, though, it looks really cool and is very traditionally Korean. 

Not for anything, but I love this BGM track that’s playing during the wedding hall fight (‘The Uninvited’). This short action sequence was so great. I wish we could have seen more of Yeon hunting down supernatural baddies. Also more of those gumiho eyes. More gumiho everything in general. 

As he stabs her, Yeon’s line to Yeou Nui in the subs was rendered as, “Don’t do something stupid like falling in love in your next time.” I would have translated this as, “If you’re reborn, don’t do something so [useless] as falling in love.” Again, for anyone studying Korean, the phrase is ‘사랑 따위" (sarang ddaui). ‘Ddaui’ means ‘such a thing as,’ and it’s always used to disparage whatever proceeds it. There’s no good way to communicate that disparagement in English grammatically, so I opted for ‘useless’ in an approximation. 

The BGM that plays the first time Ji Ah spots Yeon leaving the wedding hall is called ‘White Pupils’ (or literally ‘white eyes’). The imagery typically associated with that is death, so I’m curious what inspired the track title. Maybe they mean ‘white eyes’ like the fortune teller since it’s used at fateful moments?

“Who knows? That may be the story you were destined to cover.” = Jae Hwan unwittingly hitting the nail on the head #2

“Were they mass hypnotized or something?” = Jae Hwan unwittingly hitting the nail of the head #3. Thank you, exposition fairy. ;)

Okay, when Ji Ah and Jae Hwan examine the scene, Ji Ah’s line is subbed, “I need to see what that woman of this love story looks like,” which is ungrammatical in addition to being wrong. What she actually says is:

Ji Ah: I need to see the face of that protagonist of the Romance of the Age. [And I believe the ‘protagonist’ she was referring to is actually Yeon ;) This is bordering on meta, seeing as he’s actually the protagonist of the epic romance that is TotNT] 

Kim Soo Oh

The BGM playing while Yeon sits in the park people-watching and then looks pensively at his hand is called, ‘Thread Rings.’ Between that, what LDW alluded to in his VLIVE, and some still cuts I saw of deleted scenes from EP16, I’m convinced there was something more to those rings that got cut due to time constraints. ㅠㅠ

Fun fact: This scene between Yeon and Soo Oh was the first scene of the drama that they filmed.

When Soo Oh asks Yeon what he’s doing there, the sub for Yeon’s response was, “Nothing other than waiting for someone.” That strikes me as off in tone as well as pacing. I would have translated it as, “Just.....waiting for someone.” (which is literally what he says).

When Soo Oh asks Yeon why he’s waiting, the sub says, “Because a fox can only love one person till death.” I don’t really have a problem with that translation, but what he literally says is, “Once a fox takes a mate they never forsake them. Until death.”

Sub: “How are you coping with that?” / “Not well.” > Literally: “Are you okay?” / “I’m not okay.” I actually like the sub here since it better conveys how precocious Soo Oh appears in this scene. He seems to alternate between precocious and adorably dim throughout the drama depending on who he’s with, though when he’s with Rang, it’s mostly the latter pfft

When Yeon turns down Soo Oh’s offer of friendship he says, “Your nose. I’m not big on men with runny noses. And human lifespans are too short to be friends with me.” Yeon's use of ‘men’ struck me as funny since I guess to someone over 1600 years old, an 8 year old and an 80 year old aren’t all that different. Also, Yeon giving serious life advice to an 8 year old is adorable. He talks to him like he’s an adult. 

The Afterlife Immigration Office

Between the BGM and the way the camera pans up the endless levels of shelving, did anyone else feel like Yeon entered Hogwarts for a sec? (not complaining) ;)

For the record, Yeon uses banmal with Taluipa and calls her halmeom (granny). In contrast, Hyeonuiong is pretty much the only character Yeon speaks to in jondaetmal and addresses respectfully as ‘elder’ (eoreushin). He speaks to Ji Ah’s parents politely as well, but it’s mainly because they’re her parents.

The text introducing Taluipa’s character wasn’t translated in the version we’re watching but it reads: ‘The god who rules over the River of Three Crossings (Samdocheon), the boundary between this world and the next.’ The hanja for her name (奪衣婆) refer to her traditional role, namely, removing the clothing of the dead for her husband to weigh on the Uiryeong’su (su = tree) to measure the weight of their sins. This is the same tree that the Uiryeong’geom (the wooden sword that appears in EP13), is allegedly carved from.

Lol Taluipa saying she has to keep up with the times but also using a computer that’s positively ancient (come to think of it, it’s probably from the 80s since that’s her favorite decade)

Again, I’m surprised that Yeou Nui’s character name dropped from the subs completely. The subs here just say, ‘the female fox.’

For Taluipa’s line, the subs say, “You’re to obey the order and capture who you’re sent after,” but that’s a loose approximation. More literally, it should be: “If the higher ups say to bring someone in, then you just have to bring them in.” I’m only mentioning it because the line implys that both Taluipa and Yeon report to someone higher up the chain of command. Otherwise they may be misconstrued as Taluipa’s orders. 

Yeon’s line, “My compulsory military service has gone on for 600 years. How could I not go crazy?” is hilarious when you consider that Korean men are required to complete 2 years of military service, and even that often feels like an eternity, so I think for any Korean, the idea of 600 years of it is just exceptionally cruel. The line is iconic enough to have been included in Yeon’s character profile.

I noticed this a while back, but ‘mountain god’ is being consistently translated as ‘mountain spirit.’ Technically, Yeon is (was?) a god, if a low ranking one in the grand scheme of things (the Korean word is ‘sanshin’ where ‘san’ = mountain and ‘shin’ = god). I understand the use of ‘spirit’ though, since he’s not a god as gods are typically thought of in western mythologies. 

Lol Yeon sticking his fingers in his ears (I would bet money this was also an ad lib)

Taluipa has a line that’s subbed, “Foxes never stay in debt.” More literally, it should be, “They say foxes repay eunhye no matter what.” You can find my explanation of eunhye here.

Wow, the subs really dropped the humour ball on Taluipa’s line here. First off, she says, ‘Right now’ in English. And while the sub says “Do you want your freedom back?” what she literally says is. “Do you want to be discharged?” (since Yeon had just likened his duties to military service).

On his way out, Yeon actually tells Taluipa, “Halmeom, you’re going to go to hell” (which is not the same as the underworld/afterlife as it said in the subs. Taluipa’s job is literally to ferry souls, so she goes to the afterlife all the time anyway). Also, when he says “I’ll pray for it everyday,” his phrasing is that of an elderly person pfft

As I mentioned, Yeon speaks formally to Hyeonuiong, who in return affectionately calls him Yeon-ie or Yeon-ah, which I find adorable.

Lol I’m not used to Ahn Gil Kang playing such a friendly character. Seeing him wheedle Taluipa with aegyo is hilarious. 

Code Red

Somewhat of a side note, I can’t help but wonder, is Shin Joo’s last name ‘Gu’ because he’s a gumiho, a la My Girlfriend is a Gumiho (2010)’s Gu Mi Ho-ssi?

I wish the subs had just left ‘Lee Yeon-nim’ as-is, instead of changing it to ‘Mr. Lee.' As a general rule, I’m in favor of preserving character forms of address when translating. 

Personally, I would have translated the name of Ji Ah’s TV program as: ‘In Search of Urban Legends’ rather than ‘Unveiling Urban Legends.’

I really like the dynamic between Ji Ah and writer Kim Sae Rom. “Should we fight?” / “Yeah, let’s fight~” How great is it that this drama doesn’t have a single catty, bitchy, stuck-up or otherwise obnoxious female character? 

For anyone keeping track, Shin Joo speaks to Yeon in jondaetmal while Yeon speaks to Shin Joo in banmal, underlining their master/retainer dynamic. 

Side note: There are actually multiple ‘types’ of jondaetmal: what I think of as ‘neutral polite’ (i.e. simply adding ‘yo’ to the end of all your sentences), the more formal polite (i.e. ending with ~[seu]mnida), that which elevates the subject, and that which lowers the speaker. The interplay of the four allows for varying degrees of politeness. The way Shin Joo speaks to Yeon is pretty much the highest degree. That doesn’t mean they aren’t close. Polite language can indicate distance but also level of regard irrespective of distance. This applies to Rang and Yoo Ri as well.

Again, Shin Joo calls Ji Ah ‘PD-nim’ but that became ‘that female director’ in the subs. PD-nim is a respectful (and non-gendered) form of address, and it’s perfectly suited to Shin Joo’s genial and deferential personality, so I wish the subs had just kept it. 

I read an episode recap where the recapper mentioned she wasn’t sure what Shin Joo’s deal was. At the time I was confused, but now I think I get it. In the subs, Shin Joo says, “When I’m a seasoned veteran? I’m now up to the point where I’m wondering if I’ve turned into an actual person.” What he actually says is:

 Shin Joo: No way~ How long have I been living in this (the human) world? Recently, I sometimes even have an existential crisis wondering, ‘Am I a person or a fox?’

[So he flat out says he’s a fox here, but that wasn’t reflected in the subs.] 

Fun fact: this was Hwang Hee’s first scene that he filmed with Lee Dong Wook, and the BGM as they exit is Shin Joo’s theme.

I love the way Lee Dong Wook played this scene where they pay their tab. That is all.

It’s only as Yeon and Shin Joo exit the restaurant that we see that the sign out front reads ‘The Snail Bride’ (Ureong Gakshi). This is another folktale in-joke, since the snail bride’s whole thing is that she cooks delicious meals for her human husband everyday. 

For the record, the Snail Bride (Bok Hye Ja) also uses honorific language towards Yeon and calls him ‘Lee Yeon-nim.’ I just assumed it was in deference to his ex-mountain god status, but it turns out she has a personal reason for holding him in high regard as well that we discover in the final episode.

As Yeon and Shin Joo walk away, Shin Joo’s line is subbed, “That show’s actually quite famous.” Since Korean doesn’t require a subject, the sentence is somewhat ambiguous, but I understood him to be referring to Ji Ah herself rather than the show since he says: “[Something is] really famous around the broadcast station.” 

Lee Rang

Lol Kim Beom. How are you 32 years old? 

I love how sharp and no-nonsense Ji Ah is. It’s so refreshing to not have to wait for the characters to catch up to what the audience already knows. 

Rang’s theme that plays as he transforms back into his suave self is so iconic. The music director (Hong Dae Sung) really is a genius. It’s funny when you think about how different Rang’s theme is from Yeon’s. 

Fun fact: Kim Beom shared in his Instagram LIVE that Rang ‘picking the wrong shoes’ was actually intentional. He was testing Ji Ah to see if she’d notice. 

Okay, Rang says here that he likes, “everything about her (Ji Ah) from head to toe,” (not in a romantic way but in a grudging respect/she’s fun to toy with kind of way) but what happened to that? Are we supposed to assume that he would have liked her if she hadn’t been the object of his brother’s affection? But he approached her knowing that’s who she was...? I don’t know. I do know I wish they’d had more scenes together. Their verbal sparring is great.

Side note: One Korean fan nickname for Rang and Yoo Ri that Kim Beom liked was ‘Hoket-dan,’ playing off the Korean for pokemon’s ‘Team Rocket’ (Roket-dan) and mashing it together with the ‘ho’ from ‘gumiho’ haha

Yeon’s obsession with mint chocolate ice cream is a hilarious counterpoint to his status as a cheon’ho and his ex-mountain god title. Point to the writer. In Japanese, this would probably be called ‘gap-moe’.

When Yeon tells the man behind the counter, “When I’m indebted to someone, I’m obligated to return the favor,” he’s once again talking about eunhye. As a fox, he’s supernaturally bound to repay good deeds done for him. As far as I’m aware, this is unique to the drama and not part of the traditional gumiho lore. 

Yeon eating ice cream like a happy kid XD Lol Lee Dong Wook, how are you 39?

Fun fact: Yeon’s line when he answers Rang’s call, “The number you have reached doesn’t exist, you punk” was an ad lib by Lee Dong Wook. The combination of the formal phrasing found in a typical voicemail recording followed by ‘you punk’ is particularly funny. It’s so witty I actually wouldn’t have known this was an ad lib if LDW hadn’t confessed as much himself. 

“Let’s meet.” / “I refuse.” /  “I’ll set your house on fire.” Hahaha What is with these brothers? Are they 1600+ and 600, or 16 and 6? Are the zeros silent??

Bus 1002

Ji Ah: “If possible, pick a different dream. I’ve been on the clock for 22 hours straight now.” I like Ji Ah so much. She’s unpretentious, intelligent, honest, driven, resourceful and witty. 

Lol As Ji Ah struggles with the old man, you can hear Yeon offscreen urging the driver to get moving. Only he calls him, ‘driver yangban.’ Yangban is originally a word for a nobleman, but much like the word ‘lady’ in English, what was once a term of respect is now...not. lol Also, I’m pretty sure this was another ad lib by Lee Dong Wook since it happens entirely in the background.

This scene with Ji Ah piggybacking the old man is so classic spooky-folktale. I love it. 

"You’re the only person I saw.” *Close up of the totem pole* They managed to make that whole sequence creepy despite nothing actually happening. Cool cool cool. 

So our old drunkard is revealed to be a Mokjangseung (mok = wood). Jangseung in general are totems that stand at crossroads and the entrances to villages. tvN published some backstory info explaining Ji Ah’s past with this particular Jangseung and why he elected to save her which I translated here.

Aaaand we’re back at Fox Ridge. I can’t believe I only just noticed this, but the episode title could refer equally to the accident in Ji Ah’s past and this bus accident in the present. 

Of course Rang staged the accident at the site of Ji Ah’s greatest trauma. Also, the fact that he knows that about her is telling. 

Appropriately, the BGM playing as Ji Ah arrives at the scene of the accident is ‘Fox Ridge’ (Yeou Gogae). Iconic.

Back over to Yeon. The first time I watched this I wondered where on earth he was heading in that downpour but it turns out he was in pursuit of Rang, who had given him the slip. 

Seeing Yeon limping injured through the rain ㅠㅠ  Also, while Yeon later tells Ji Ah he carries his umbrella everywhere because he hates his fur getting wet, he clearly isn’t bothered here, choosing to keep it sheathed on his back instead. I guess all bets are off when he’s in Gumiho Mode. 

Detective Baek and Ji Ah speak in banmal and he calls her ‘Nam Ji Ah,’ which I assume means they’ve been friends for a while. 

Wow, good for Ji Ah for having made note of the exact number of passengers in the midst of all that chaos. I certainly wouldn’t have. 

Hospital Encounter

So after Rang gave his brother the slip, Yeon realizes the next day that he’s at the hospital thanks to the news article Shin Joo reads out to him. Idk but I like that shot of the two of them heading out. There’s something vaguely Avengers about it. Which is maybe not surprising given that was another early influence for the show. 

I liked this conversation between Ji Ah and ‘Soo Young.’ We get to see Ji Ah’s own resolve and drive in the advice she offers: “Even so, I hope you’ll become strong. It’s way more fun to be a PD than a victim.” 

As with when he arrived at the wedding hall, the cinematography + BGM as Yeon approaches the hospital with his red umbrella is just A++ 

The BGM playing when Ji Ah spots Yeon approaching the hospital information desk isn’t on spotify or anywhere else that I’ve seen. It reminds me a bit of the ‘Tubular Bells’ theme from the Exorcist (a movie I actually haven’t even seen). If anyone knows what it is, I’d love to know. 

“My only talent is my face~” pffft  Also, decidedly untrue. 

When Ji Ah tells Yeon, “Yes, I’m scouting you, but not for that,” She literally says, “but not for that genre.”

And now the subs say ‘Fox Ridge.’ Okay, then. 

When Yeon says, “From the sound of it, it won’t be well made,” ‘well made’ is in English. Again, the peppering of English through Yeon’s speech makes him sound more modern.

When Yeon says, “Plus, I’m very devoted” his line is more literally, “Plus, contrary to how I look, I’m the devoted type.” Are you saying you look like a player? pfft

Yeon is such a big softie, so why does he keep threatening to kill people? Does he not realize they might take him seriously?

For this entire conversation (interrogation?), both Yeon and Ji Ah are switching back and forth between polite speech and banmal, almost on a sentence by sentence basis. On the whole, it gives the impression of a verbal sparring match.  

“It’s not as if this was a blind date. No thanks on a second one.” lol I do enjoy cheeky Yeon. 

Oh, I love that Ji Ah thinks on her feet. Using her leather bag to lift Yeon’s fingerprints was a smart move. Although, I’m not entirely convinced it would work that well in real life. 

The ‘grim reaper’s outfit’ exchange was a coordinated ad lib between Lee Dong Wook and Hwang Hee. I mean, of course it was lol Casting Lee Dong Wook is the gift that keeps on giving. 

Was that supposed to be Yoo Ri entering ‘Soo Young’s’ hospital room in those boots?

Minor detail, but ‘Soo Young’ calls Ji Ah ‘eonni’ meaning ‘older sister.’ It’s common convention in Korean to refer to people by familial ‘roles’ that fit their general age range even when you’re not actually related. I could digress, but I guess I just find it jarring when they have her addressing Ji Ah by name in the subs since Ji Ah is older and virtually a stranger. 

Okay, when ‘Soo Young’ hears that Ji Ah lives alone, the smile she gives is effectively creepy. 

The contrast between ‘Soo Young’s’ narration and the events of what actually happened on the bus that we see as viewers is great. Point to the director. 

Wow, Rang really just slaughtered a whole bus worth of innocent people without a thought. I feel like we all managed to forget that about him as the show progressed. Hats off to the writer and to Kim Beom’s compelling performance. I actually worried initially that Rang would remain a one-note character because that would have been such a waste of Kim Beom, who is a fantastic actor. I’m so glad that wasn’t the case. 

I love the subversion of viewer expectations when it turns out that Ji Ah knew all along that ‘Soo Young’ wasn’t who she claimed. This is something TotNT does repeatedly and well. We get both the dramatic tension of her being in danger and the satisfaction of her having had the upper hand all along. Point to the writer.

I’m pretty sure Ji Ah knocked that pitcher over with the express intent of using a shard from it as a weapon. Point for character consistency. Past or present, Ji Ah is apparently a ‘stab first, ask questions later’ kind of girl.

The Brothers

“Hey you! I clearly told you I didn’t want a second date?!” Haha Oh, Yeon. 

I saw comments from Korean fans about how Yeon burst into her house with his shoes on here, and now I can’t not think of them when I watch this scene: ‘Entering the house with your shoes on...in the Republic of Korea...Ha...’, ‘Even if you bust the whole house apart, you have to take your shoes off before entering...’ lol

I love Yeon’s line that’s subbed as, “As if, brother.” In Korean, it’s “Do you want to die, little brother?” The word he uses for ‘little brother’ is ‘아우야,’ which, while still used occasionally today, is an antiquated word Yeon might just as easily have called Rang 600 years ago. It’s also, in contrast to the first half of his sentence, quite an affectionate term of address. 

Rang’s line subbed as, “It’s a long story, but the family has a dirty past,” should more properly be: “It’s a long story, but you might say we come from a broken home.” Saying they have a dirty past makes it sound like they’re the mafia or something. Also, as a fun language note, the expression is literally ‘a bean-powder household.’ 

“Are you worried I’ll be sucked into the Underworld?” should be: “Are you worried I’ll go to hell?” Not sure where they got ‘sucked into.’ Rang just means when he dies. Also, I wish the subs would do a better job distinguishing between hell, the underworld, and the afterlife. They’re three different words. 

“It’s because you embarrass me, that’s why.” Lol at the way Yeon covers his eyes. That’s definitely another ad lib from Lee Dong Wook. 

When Rang calls time here, he actually calls Yeon ‘hyung.’ I suspect this wasn’t in the script but rather something that slipped out subconsciously on Kim Beom’s part, since the writer was clearly saving that word for when it would hurt us viewers the most. ㅠㅠ

Yeon’s line is subbed, “Old habits really do die hard,” but it should properly be: “You still haven’t fixed that habit?”

“If you don’t find it until the end of the next month, this woman will die.” This should actually be: “If you can’t find [that] by the next end of the month, your woman will die.” The subject is actually omitted so it’s unclear to what exactly Rang is referring, which is intentional. I also understand hearing ‘your woman’ (ni yeoja) as ‘this woman’ (i yeoja), but when they later flash back to this conversation they use a different take in which the line delivery is clearer and I’m confident it’s ‘your woman.’ This also explains Yeon’s confusion, since at this point he didn’t even know she’d been reborn. 

I Waited for You

For anyone wondering how Ji Ah got into Yeon’s apartment, apparently his house code is 0000 lol

From his expression as he discovers and then watches the video she secretly took of him, I feel like Yeon is impressed with Ji Ah in spite of himself and I’m 100% here for it. 

For the record, from this point forward, Yeon and Ji Ah use banmal with each other. Ji Ah has a tendency to speak to many of the supernaturals in banmal, which is honestly the opposite of what I would have opted for in her shoes. 

Yeon’s question of, “How did you come here?” could mean either, ‘What brings you here?’ or ‘How did you get [in] here?’ in Korean, and honestly they’re both valid haha

Minor note, but she actually says his Korean age is 36, which would be 35 by the typical reckoning...except he’s actually ~1636 so it’s a moot point, really. 

Ji Ah’s line, “Now I can proudly say that it’s fate,” translated more literally would be: “At this point, it really is fate and not coincidence.”

I feel like Ji Ah’s strategy of throwing herself off the balcony here is possibly the only thing she does in this entire show that strikes me as dumb. Like, I’m pretty sure if Yeon hadn’t been both benevolent and able to fly (and she had no guarantee that he was either), letting her just fall here would have been the easiest way for him to resolve the matter/the only thing he could have done. 

Yeon’s line, “Did you just test me?” is one of the rare instances in which he code switches to archaic speech. I guess using his gumiho powers put him in a Gumiho frame of mind. ;)

On the whole, I prefer the instrumental OST tracks to the lyrical ones, but ‘Blue Moon’ is just sooooo catchy. I wish they had continued using it more. 

And that concludes Episode 1. I’ve never posted anything like this before, but hopefully it was at least mildly interesting. Let me know what you think. 

Daily Blog #15: August 22, 2021

Dollar Tree is honestly pretty fucking awesome 👌👌👌

I set my alarm for like 6:25 this morning, but it took 6 minutes for the "Horsin' Around" theme song instrumental to wake me up. I was pretty tired lol. I just dismissed it and went back to sleep.

I only went back to sleep because I knew I had another alarm set for 7:00. That got me up.

I should mention that this was still in the RV over an hour away from the house.

After I got up, I went to go get a shower, and did so successfully.

Unfortunately, I had forgotten my brush this time and had to do it afterwards after my hair had a bit of time to dry, which did make it a little more difficult lol.

I got dressed and grabbed my stuff, putting it into my car.

I made it a point to see and say "see you later" to my grandparents before I left for the flea market.

My dad insisted that I stayed to say goodbye to my mom, so I left.

I did NOT have cell service up there, as was mentioned in my previous 2 blogs of which I could only post today, so finding my way was a tiny bit difficult until I got some service to ask Google to take me to "...".

It worked and I got there.

On my drive, I listened to 1 by Simple Kid, a CD I had previously purchased at a Dollar Tree location.

I got a call from the guy at the flea market saying that I had some people there waiting for me. He asked how far away I was, to which I said "about 10 minutes." Ironically, that call made me miss my exit, as Google couldn't talk during the call, and added about 3 minutes to my arrival time lmao.

I did sell the Xbox that he said someone was interested in. I got $40 for it. I spent 27¢ on it. Pretty good return if you ask me.

I couldn't sell it with anything other than a power cord because the controller and AV cables I had been using to play it there were for my personal console. I'm just glad I can actually hook my Xbox up and stop having to drag them to the flea market along with a small library of games.

Not too long after I sold the Xbox, someone came in and asked if I wanted to see some electronics he had in his car. I went out with him. It was a pair of 3ft speakers and a Pioneer audio system with dual cassette decks (although neither of them works) and a 25 Disc CD-changer, as well as the standard AM/FM tuner. Additionally, there was a Fisher amplifier and AM/FM tuner as well as a Fisher Direct Drive turntable. He said he wanted $60 for em, but before that he casually, and probably accidentally, dropped that he was just gonna take em to the thrift store.

Big mistake.

I got em for $35 lmao. THERE GOES MOST OF MY PROFIT.

Oh well.

I tested everything. As I mentioned, the cassette decks don't work, but everything else does apart from the turntable needing a new stylus.

I posted some new photos of the shop to Facebook, and someone soon DMed me about a stereo system.

I priced everything, and it turns out I have about $300 worth of equipment from that deal, the Fisher amp and tuner being worth about $150.

The buyer will hopefully show up next weekend, for he wants to buy the Fisher stuff ($185 with the turntable), the 3ft speakers, an 8-track deck, and a Kenwood deck we've had for a week or two.

The speakers are listed for $50 (and are worth around $100-150), the Kenwood Deck for $50 as well, and the 8-track for $35. That makes it about $320 in equipment. Since he's buying so much, I'll knock it down to $270 and essentially give him the speakers or cassette deck for free lol.

Apart from that stuff, not much happened at the flea market. I sold some records, cassettes, CDs and I think 2 DVDs. One person bought a VHS tape? That money was the other guy's though. Oh well xD.

I can't say that I didn't miss my wonderful partner while on the trip. I actually brought along the stuffed animal they gave me (who's name is Greg) and snuggled with him both nights.

I was very happy to hear from them UwU.

They let me rant and I let them rant.

I honestly give them too much responsibility over me xD. I'm like, "Okay, I'm gonna do this. HOLD ME TO IT."

I know I can't hold myself to anything I personally say (this blog being the only exception apparently), but I listen to them pretty well I think 🤔. If they tell me, "No, you don't need that VCR," so long as it's not some weird specialty thing, like a worldwide VCR 🥵, I'll be like "Yeah, you rite bro."

I love you man xD. You control my craziness pretty well. I'm so thankful for you UwU.

#relationshipgoals

So part way through the flea market day, I went over to Dollar Tree to buy some snack, but ended up looking through the CDs to see if there was anything good. I took photos of about 18 CDs and flipped through them online for the remainder of the flea market day.

I deleted the photos of the ones I didn't want and kept those that I liked. Surprisingly, I ended up buying 13 CDs there, but not before dropping them on the floor like the dumbass I am.

Also, sorry for all the nerd shit I spilled on your lap earlier. No one cares about amps and tuners xD.

I'M LISTENING TO ONE OF THE DOLLAR TREE CDS RIGHT NOW THO.

I already transferred over to my online library on iBroadcast and put the disc into my CD changer, which is now holding 164 CDs.

Its max capacity is 300 discs 🥵

WHY AM I NERD

Oh well

I like being a nerd gurl

Also maybe a technosexual 👀

I get really excited over some electronics. Like. REALLY excited.

Some editing VCRs are like "Holy shit that is SEXY. Look at those goddamn VU meters 🥵. And hhhh there are like 7 inputs on this thing and individual controls for left and right audio gain, not to mention Hi-Fi S-VHS recording. Hhhhhhhhhhh please gimme 😭. Why are you so expensive?"

I uh, mean, uh, *cough* look, pretty lights.

Oh yeah, I was gonna say the album I was listening to xD. MAN I GOT SIDETRACKED.

It's 37 Everywhere by Punchline. Def give it a listen; it's pretty heccin good.

Another notable album I picked up was Page One by Steven Page. I very much like the first track, "A New Shore." It's quite catchy and he has a great voice imo.

Also at dollar tree, I bought a regular bag of Fieras and 2 bags of Fieras Sticks, which were marked down to 75¢/bag because they're expiring soon.

I honestly like the generic Dollar Tree version of Takis more than actual Takis. They're a lot more flavorful when it comes to the lime, but also hotter at the same time.

Don't get the hot nacho ones tho. Hot nacho? More like hot pile of shit.

HAH

Goteem.

They're not that good xD.

THE REGULAR ONES ARE FIRE THO

"How do you do fellow kids?"

I got home and started working on putting the CDs onto my computer, and then onto iBroadcast, but not without first adding The Music Man to my digital library, something I had neglected for a month or two. The CD had just been sitting there lol.

I also switched my digital file for "The Black Parade" to that of the uncensored CD, which I had purchased before I event started working over 2 months ago.

MAN I'M LAZY

I eventually get around to shit tho lol. I guess it's just a matter of priority.

What usually takes priority is digging through everything to find something that I forgot about but then remembered, making a mess in the process that I would then have to clean up, at least partially.

I think the album just ended. I've been writing for a while xD. I'ma start "I Made You Something" by The Island of the Misfit Toys.

I'll tell you where that album came from in a minute.

In the meantime, where was I?

I kinda lost my train of thought despite reading up to see where I was. Oh well. On I go.

I ate dinner and kept working on those CDs, eventually putting my clothes from the week into the washer.

I FORGOT TO PUT MY SHAPING UNDERWEAR IN. FUCKING HELL MAN.

I wanted to wash em for this week 😭

No tight pants for Leonna I guess qwq.

Meanwhile, the box of my CD album cases is overflowing. I need another box.

I keep all of the album artworks in a big CD folder. That's almost full.

I wanna fill my entire CD changer. That's one of my big goals in life. Idk why, but I just wanna legitimately fill the entire thing.

My clothes are in the dryer now. I don't think I have the time (or energy) to fold them tonight. I'll leave that for tomorrow morning before work.

And God. Fucking. Damnit. I start school again on Wednesday. NOT looking forward to that, and neither are my 2 coworkers. We already have low enough staff, but only the two of them working is gonna be a pain in the ass.

I'll still work Saturdays.

I need to contact my guidance counselor to get out of the gym class I signed up for. I scheduled this shit before I found out I was trans, and I don't wanna deal with the fucking locker room situation 🙄 I have far more important matters.

Okay so anyway, the album I'm listening to came from a cassette. I bought this cassette a few months ago at the flea market along with a few others. The reason I bought them? They were all newer cassette releases from the 2010's, and they're all actually pretty good music from very indie bands.

Currently getting mad at iBroadcast's compression algorithm. It's unnaturally fucking anything over -10db up. Oh well, there's not really anything I can do about it.

I have like 13GB of music on my phone btw. That's about 3.5k songs on 268 albums.

I'm kind of an audiophile, but I'm too cheap to pay for a lossless service. Oh well.

They do actually have a lossless service on iBroadcast, but once again, too cheap.

Someone just sent me a friend request who legitimately posted that BLM and the democratic party are hate groups.

BLOCK.

Goodbye ho.

I don't get that. They call the democratic party a hate group when they hate people like me, and I, being more of a democrat although not fully because the 2-party system is fucked, think nothing more of them than they're very wrong about certain things, especially, as shown, that black people, as well as asian, Indian, native, and people of all ethnicities and backgrounds, are not equal to white people.

Yeh.

Totally.

You go buddy.

Anyway, yeah, I can, and do, convert music and video from analog formats to digital files in order for me to archive and listen to whenever and wherever I please. I've actually made a bit of a business out of it, but I don't get too much work from it. At least I'm not overloading myself xD.

I honestly have so much more to say, but I should probably go to sleep soon.

A few final shoutouts to the following people and companies:

-Dollar Tree

-Steven Page

-Broken World Media

-The Island of Misfit Toys

-Simple Kid

-Punchline

-My incredible partner QwQ I love you so much. Thanks for being the best all the time. I hope I can give you the best life ever.

Anyway I suppose this is goodnight. Lmk if you want a full list of the CDs I bought today! I'll link that song by Steven Page here.

And here's a good song from Simple Kid

I really like music lol. Enjoy these pieces.

Anyway, goodnight lol.

Lots of love,

-Leonna.

Jij Verliest - Chapter One: Clip #3

master list previous: Zaterdag 12:41

...

Zondag 18:31

Even on days when he wasn’t streaming, which always seemed to be Sundays, Robbe still ended up at his desk. 

Next to his bed—and maybe the couch on their weekly movie nights—his desk chair was the most comfortable thing in the apartment. Of course, that was on purpose. Every day, Robbe sat at his desk working on something. Between streaming and editing or doing his homework, Robbe spent a lot of time sitting at his desk, in front of his PC, or working on it. His computer system itself had two monitors. Whenever he was live, one monitor would hold his game and the other would have what he needed. Generally, it had the chat open but he also used it for Google searches occasionally. 

Now, he was doing homework with Yasmina through Zoom. Normally, Robbe would get out of the house and meet up with Yasmina at the school’s library or at a coffee shop. Today, however, Robbe stayed home. She and her family had taken a week-long trip to Morocco to see her family and wouldn’t be back until Saturday, but because of their test on the 10th, the two of them couldn’t wait until she returned to study for it and had decided to meet up virtually. 

But there was another reason Robbe stayed home: Thomas.

As Robbe scratched out his incorrect work and sighed, Yasmina glanced at him through the screen. Settled in what Robbe assumed to be a guest bedroom, Yasmina had her binder in her lap. She wore a blue hijab and a cream sweater. Copying down the last piece of his problem that he knew was correct, Robbe snuck a glance at the clock on his computer.

18:32. Robbe sighed. He’s late.

“Is everything okay?” Yasmina questioned, raising an eyebrow as Robbe looked up at her. “You seem a little tense.”

“I’m alright,” Robbe started. He ran a hand through his hair and let out a sigh. “Just realized that I forgot to distribute the negative from the first integral so I have to rework the problem.” Yasmina nodded her head in understanding. She placed down her pencil and moved to grab her phone, which she had been charging off-screen. “If you want, you can continue. It should only take me a minute to catch up.” 

“It’s okay,” Yasmina replied, not looking up. “I’ll wait for you.” 

Robbe nodded his head, returning his work. 

Before he turned in the assignment on Wednesday, he would certainly need to rewrite it. All he had to do now was finish the assignment. As he went on, his handwriting was getting increasingly ineligible. He heard Yasmina say she was getting a drink before she rose from the bed. By the time he finished the problem, Yasmina sat down with a bottle of water and adjusted her hijab in the camera. 

“Did you say that you got three-fourths for part A?”

Yasmina turned, looking over her homework. “Yes. Did you get something different?” 

“No,” Robbe said. He boxed the final number and let out a sigh. “I was just checking to make sure that I had done it right.” Yasmina chuckled, placing her binder back in her lap. “Why does he have to be so particular about everything? I swear, I’m probably going to get more points counted off because it’s not the exact format that he wants than I would if I actually got the problem wrong.” 

“He’s an old math teacher who has been doing this for so long that he probably doesn’t even remember,” she said, shaking her head. Robbe felt like ‘old’ was Yasmina being nice. Their professor was ancient. “Of course, he’s going to be particular about everything that we do.”

There was a knock on the door, light and rhythmic, and Robbe let out a “Yeah?” to let whoever-it-is know they could come in. The door opened, revealing Milan standing in the doorway with an apron around his waist and a concerned look on his face. “Zoë and I are making dinner if you want some.” 

“I might end up bringing it in here so we can still work. We still have a lot left to do.”

“Okay.” Milan moved to step out. He glanced down at the box of Thomas’s things that Robbe had sealed last night and paused. The silence hung in the air around them and Robbe waited nervously for Milan to speak up. Then, he finally did, glancing at Robbe. “Any word from Thomas about being on his way?” 

Robbe let out a sigh, running a hand through his hair. His fingers caught against the tangled strands and he pulled his fingers free. “No,” Robbe said, avoiding Milan’s concerned gaze. He glanced back at the assignment that was pulled up on the second monitor. “I haven’t heard from him. But, he said 18:00 in his message yesterday and he’s already thirty minutes late. I’m sure I’ll get a text soon saying that he is on his way or that he’s going to have to cancel…” Robbe trailed off before adding, “Again.” 

Milan stepped out into the hallway, nodding. “Don’t worry. I’m sure he’ll be here soon.” Before he disappeared completely behind the closing door, he added, “I’ll let you know when the food is ready so you can come get some!” 

“Thanks, Milan,” he replied. For a moment, Robbe didn’t think that he heard him, but he heard Milan murmur back a response, muffled by the door. Robbe turned back to his desktop, his eyes finding the next problem. He was beginning to scratch it down in his notebook when Yasmina coughed lightly, getting his attention. She had her arms crossed over her chest and a protective look on her face. “What?”

“Is everything okay?” Yasmina asked. 

“Yeah,” Robbe replied. “Thomas is supposed to come to pick up his clothes. This is the third time he’s sworn that he was going to come get them and, as you just heard, he’s already thirty minutes late.” He let out a sigh and continued writing. “I just want him to come and get it over with. The box of his things has been sitting here for two months now.”

“Maybe you can ship it to him?”

“Yeah, I’ve offered,” he said, feeling frustrated with Thomas. “But all I got was ‘I’m perfectly capable of coming to pick up my things. Plus, I want to see you.’” On the other end of the screen, Yasmina rolled her eyes, putting her binder down. “I just don’t understand why he’s so insistent on seeing me when he picks up his things. I’d rather avoid all the awkwardness.” 

Robbe’s phone beeped and he reached for it, already knowing who the message was from and what it was going to say. 

“It’s only awkward if you make it awkward,” Yasmina pointed out. 

“Yeah, I guess,” Robbe said. He unlocked his phone, finding the message at the top of his notifications. Letting out a sigh, Robbe said to Yasmina, “It’s Thomas.” 

Thomas: Sorry, can’t make it. Can I come on Tuesday? There’s a big upcoming trial and I lost track of time working on it.

Robbe let out another sigh, tossing his phone onto the desk. “Canceled again?” Yasmina guessed. Robbe raised his eyebrows and Yasmina mirrored his expression, giving him a knowing look. She sat back, shaking her head. “I don’t get some men. How is it so hard to come by and grab a box? It just seems like he wants to extend your pain.”

“Yasmina,” Robbe started. “I don’t think that’s what he wants to do.”

“What’s the other explanation, Robbe?” Yasmina asked. It didn’t take a genius to see that Yasmina was angry. Robbe didn’t blame her. He was certain that his best friends and all of his roommates shared her frustrations. But Yasmina had always been unwaveringly blunt in her opinions and fiercely protective of her friends. “All he has to do is swing by and grab a box of clothes. It should only take a minute. Maybe less! But he’s canceled on you three times now and insists that you have to be there.”

“I don’t know,” Robbe admitted. “I want him to pick up his stuff so it feels like I can move on…” He trailed off, biting down on his bottom lip as he did so. His eyes drifted over to the box, all taped up and ready.

“So tell him,” Yasmina suggested. “Tell him that he has to come and pick up his stuff next time or you’ll… I don’t know, donate it! It should not take two months for a box of clothes that you could’ve shipped to him in no time.” The girl sent him a comforting look as Robbe sighed. “You should be allowed to move on and you can’t do that with a pile of his stuff sitting on the floor that he’s refusing to pick up—”

“Technically, it’s in a box—”

“Still, Robbe,” Yasmina interrupted. “You deserve better than someone who is making it hard for you to move on for his own selfish reasons.” She paused, tilting her head to the side and letting out a sigh. “And frankly, he’s delaying the end of it. That’s why he is taking so long. If he was going to try and stay in your life, he shouldn’t have broken up with you.” 

Robbe let out a sigh, knowing that she was right and turning back to his phone. There was a message forming in his head at a breakneck speed and he quickly typed out the words onto his phone—Yes, you can come Tuesday, but you need to pick up your things then or I’ll donate it or something. This is ridiculous, Thomas. You’ve canceled three times now and you’re the one insisting that I be here when you can pick up the box from Milan or Zoë or Lucas. I could just mail it to you. I’m sick of this. Come get your things Tuesday. 

But as he moved to press send, his thumb hovering over the button, his eyes darted over the unsent message. He sighed, running his hands through his hair. No, he thought, promptly deleting the message. He might be angry, but it wasn’t like him. Once the original message was gone, he typed another and hit send.

Robbe: Yes, Tuesday is fine. Good luck on the trial.

next (Maandag 15:11)

Things We Lost in the Fire, ch 15

aka Caleo uni au

Fic summary: Calypso starts studying at a new university, but to her annoyance her new flatmate is a loud mouthed mechanic who also likes to sneak his dog in whenever. But as she learns to know him better, she realizes they might have more in common than what she first thought. Eventually, even the darkest secrets come out…

Chapter summary: Leo and Calypso talk about Leo's fear a bit (and get dorky).

A/N: Sorry for the wait! Here's finally a new chapter. I know it's a short one, kind of 'fillery', but that's because I am extremely lazy at editing. Originally this whole chapter was supposed to be 4000+ words long but then I decided 'nope, not gonna edit all that at once', so I cut it in two parts. That's also the reason why this chapter ends a bit abruptly. But don't worry because you'll see the rest of the silliness in a week and I promise there will be a lot of Caleo goodness in it (before some drama goes down, dun dun duu).

I hope you guys enjoy!! And I really, really, really do love all the comments I get!

Characters in this ch: Calypso, Leo

Words: 1300+

Genre: romance & hurt/comfort

Warnings: none

previous chapter / next chapter / AO3

...

You… what?” Calypso asked, genuinely surprised after hearing that Leo was considering quitting his studies. “I thought mechanical engineering was your dream career? And you’ve been doing well at the university?”

Leo turned to her. Calypso didn’t remember seeing him this upset, not even when he had told her how he had ended up living with his adoptive parents.

“For the most part, I guess I have,” he sighed. “Okay, I’m not the best at writing essays and I’m a slow reader because of my dyslexia and I get distracted easily, but I don’t have trouble remembering formulas or solving some mathematical problem. The problem is I’ve been skipping lab classes because I can’t…” His gaze flicked towards the candle in a glass holder on the sofa table that Calypso had burned earlier.

“Because you don’t want to be in contact with fire.” Calypso understood without Leo finishing the sentence.

“Yeah,” he admitted. “I really tried this time but I ended up panicking. I ran away when I was supposed to use the gas burner.”

“I’m sorry,” Calypso said, genuine sympathy in her voice. She squeezed his shoulder briefly.

“Nothing I can do about it anymore. Tomorrow I’ll probably get a phone call saying they don’t want to see me anymore.” Leo couldn’t look at Calypso, instead taking some random machine parts from his toolbelt and starting to twist them in his hands to try to calm his nerves.

“Don’t you think that’s overthinking it a bit?” Calypso asked. “Surely there must be something you can do.”

“Not unless I can show that I am capable of doing lab work. And soon we’ll start doing welding and all that stuff. No way I can do it in my current state.” Leo sighed.

“But there are ways to fight the fear, remember,” Calypso tried to encourage him.

“What do you know about that, anyway?” Leo snapped suddenly. “You are not afraid of fire.”

“I know more than you realize,” Calypso said, her voice getting cooler and her eyes gleaming angrily for a moment. “I may not be afraid of fire but I had to fight my fear of driving a car. It took a few months but eventually I did it.”

“Which goes to prove that you’re a way better person than I am,” Leo shot back.

“Oh, stop it with your inferiority complex!” Calypso raised her voice. Leo seemed surprised by her outburst but he didn’t protest. “Listen,” she said then, this time quieter. “I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s a long process and sometimes painful too. But based on what I know about you, you don’t seem like someone who gives up that easily.”

Something about Calypso’s words put Leo back on the right track. He was quiet for a while as he took them in, clenching his fists a couple of times.

“Yeah. You’re right. I’ve gone through too damn much to give up now. Do you think that the thing we started – you know, with the candles – would help in the long run?”

Calypso realized something about Leo’s incident at the university. “Today in the class when others were using their gas burners… did you pay attention to them?”

“No, not much,” Leo admitted, surprising himself. “Was too busy panicking about my own.”

Calypso seemed encouraged by that piece of information. “But that’s good news; it means that distraction does work.”

“So you’re saying it’s worth trying again?” Leo asked.

“Yes.” Calypso nodded. “But it alone might not work. I should remind you I’m not a professional but based on my own experiences you also have to come to terms with the reasons behind the fear. Which means, talking about it – with family, friends, a professional, even me if you want to - would be helpful. When you’re ready, of course.”

“I can’t really afford to spend any more time waiting,” Leo said. “I’m already this close to failing everything.” He put his thumb and index finger so close to each other they almost touched.

“Remember that you shouldn’t push it, though. That won’t help you erase the negative association.”

“Right,” Leo nodded, and Calypso had to admit he seemed surprisingly attentive in that moment, even if he was still fiddling with his toys. Usually he gave her the impression that his mind was in several places at the same time.

“Based on your story you’ve had enough contact with fire for one day, so maybe we’ll continue with that another time” Calypso decided, “But I have one question: how long has this been happening?”

“Since I was a kid. Probably eight” Leo answered. Calypso counted 1+1=2. Like she had suspected, the fear must have gotten its start when that fire had happened. Calypso couldn’t help but wonder if there was something more that had happened that day, something that Leo wasn’t telling.

“I see,” Calypso said. “That’s… a long time to be dealing with that fear.” She bumped her knee lightly against his as a sign of affection.

Leo seemed surprised by Calypso’s reaction. She wondered if he wasn’t used to people expressing sympathy towards him.

“Yeah,” he said, focusing on his fingers that had started to tap a certain rhythm against his legs.

“Listen,” Calypso said surprisingly softly. “I believe you can do it. In your language, you can kick the fear’s ass. Just… be nice to yourself.”

Calypso’s comment made Leo smile slightly.

“I can’t believe you just said the word ‘ass’ because of me,” he teased, making Calypso puff her cheeks.

“You’re such a kid sometimes, Valdez. And maybe I am not quite as sweet mouthed as you think I am.”

“You so are.” Leo nudged her leg. Calypso stuck her tongue out at him, making him chuckle. “Who’s the kid now?”

“Speaking of kids,” Calypso said, “ I was kind of thinking that since a mental break would probably do good to you, we could do some Pokémon team preparations for the game night? Saturday is soon.”

“Oh, yeah!” Leo said, sounding a lot more confident than a few minutes earlier. “We’re gonna build the most badass team ever! Lightning Boy and Beauty Queen won’t know what hit them.”

Calypso was happy that at least on the surface Leo seemed to be recovering fast. “If you say so,” she smiled.

…

A little bit later the flatmates were scrolling through Bulbapedia, an online Pokémon encyclopedia, as they were trying to choose which Pokémon would be the most suitable for their team. Turned out their opinions differed quite a lot from each other. Calypso liked grass, psychic and fairy types while Leo seemed to be drawn to steel, and perhaps ironically, to some fire Pokémon.

“Everyone knows Charizard is better than Venusaur! It even has two mega evolutions! Venusaur can’t do a lot of damage in one hit.”

“Yes, but look at its defense stats. It can tank a lot of hits Charizard can’t,” Calypso argued.

“Fine, why don’t we have both on our team then and see which one does better,” Leo suggested and to that Calypso agreed.

The rest of the choosing went without bigger hiccups as the two decided to give each other two more picks. Leo was already feeling a lot better when Calypso told him that the dishes don’t do themselves and they ended up doing them together so they could get back to catching and training their Pokémon faster. Calypso was amused to see how seriously Leo, who usually was all about jokes, took that task. He seemed particularly into the damage calculator that told him how many hits his Pokémon would need to take down Jason and Piper’s. When she pointed that out, he said:

“Uncle Leo always has a plan, Sunshine. I won’t be doing things the conventional way.”

“Of course you won’t,” Calypso snorted, wondering if the plan would end up working.

A Word for Zoomers Who're Told They're "Making Up" Genders and Orientations.

I'm an Xer.

Well, actually I'm in that b.1977-85 throe where no two people can agree what I am. I'm Post Dankai Junior in the old country, but I was too old to be a kid for Pokémon, Harry Potter, I caught Digimon 02 during its premiere US run a rare Saturday the firm I worked at, that normally had Saturday hours, was closed. I met Windows Millennium Edition because a housemate, as back then, I'd realised I wanted to live with company, wanted to upgrade our computer to the newest version of Windows (and I promptly made AMVs using GIFs and lost them to the sands of time all before YouTube even existed) So that gives you an idea of my age.

I came out for the first time in high school. I came out as bi.

In Japan, transness, like here had different words we no longer use, but unlike here, wasn't a secret.

If I'd stayed in Japan just one more year, in '95 politician Kamikawa Aya began advocating on NHK for trans rights.

Maybe I'd've learned that transition *to* male and actual medical treatment like HRT to make that possible existed a whole lot sooner.

But I didn't. And so, I didn't realise it was actually something I could *do* and I wasn't doomed to be stuck until about 2010.

I claimed "bi" in the '90s, and mistook "you're a really cool person and really nice to me when few people are and so I really like you in a platonic sense" +aesthetic attraction for crushes of a romantic and sexual nature.

The SAM model was developed by bi people in the '70s, but where and when I was, there weren't exactly highly visible LGBT centres where I could learn this. So I thought any orientation had to be "x-sexual"

And I only knew about straight, gay/lesbian, and bi.

Which, the term "laaaaaaaabelllls" was coined by biphobic people my age. See, we weren't like people today, who literally can't live because of unfettered crony capitalism. You could get a nice studio on the nice side of town for eight days' work at minimum wage (of course, being POC, you had to find the right realtor), which back then was under four dollars an hour. You could get a 2br/1.5ba rowhouse for about two weeks' worth, which is half a month, but these days, that much work will get you a barely-studio in shoot-you-in-the-face-in-broad-daylight territory.

But we were still plenty suspicious of marketing. So queerphobic Xers went "don't make me acknowledge your filthy non-mono sexuality! What if I told you naming what you are is dehumanising, like labelling a jar of mayo, and you're the product!"

Which is no different that queerphobic Millennials claiming "Queer is a slur uwu call it gay because cisgay and cishet are the only valid IDs uwu Gay has never ever been used as a pejorative uwu"

Which is also bunk because back in the '90s, if one young man did ANYTHING another didn't like, the other one could call it and him "gaaayyy" and that would be a homophobic attack via toxic masculinity on the first young man. Heck, I don't listen to much grunge, though I did at the time, but it's used this way in some Nirvana song. I just can't remember which one.

Anyway, so I claimed bi and spent the next 23 or so years fighting for it even against physical violence to make me claim something in the false straight/gay binary

All along, I thought "the mushy stuff squicks me because I'm a guy (insert ways I justified things before I realised that yes, I actually am male for prior to 2010)" which, yeah, I'm still sorting through the myriad manifestations of toxic masculinity and learning to spot them. What that actually is is romance repulsion.

I'm actually aroace.

To go further, I actually have very strong platonic affection feelings, and "idemromantic" is not necessarily my actual identity, but that, and at least some idea, if even wrong, that the other party was interested, was how I sorted whether I should approach the other person as "friend" or "potential partner" subconsciously.

Plus to further complicate things, I'm sex-favourable ace/cupiosexual, which meant that just hearing limited definitions of things like sex repulsion in aces didn't clue me in. It wasn't until discussing what sexual attraction was with a newly-realised gay first wave Xer last year that I realised I had no idea what that was and had never felt it, and was therefore asexual. Which after the discussion with that guy, I dove into readings by you all on Tumbler first.

And I only realised I'm aromantic last month, though I've been questioning for actually a year this month.

Now, I'd say my aesthetic attraction is definitely bi, and yes, I accept the redefinition made with the info we have now of two or more genders including your own" which *I read* as "but not necessarily all genders, and perceived gender is a factor" whereas pan seems to me like "perceived gender is not a factor in attraction" ??

Now, I still actually don't have an idea about my potential aesthetic feelings towards people who present NB. The men and women I feel it towards tend to have this or that decidedly masculine or feminine traits, and I may never, because people my age are less likely to come out.

Whether orientation or gender, people my age are products of a very binary 20th century. We were really all sorts of shape pegs, but many of us were and still are dodecahedrons and whatnot with choices of only square, circle, and mayyybe triangle holes.

Naturally, the dodecahedrons and the hexagons all tried to jam themselves in circle and square holes, whichever ones it looked like we could maybe wedge into.

This means plenty of us are going around thinking things like "I guess I don't like sex because I'm a woman" or "I guess I don't like the mushy stuff because I'm a man" or "I don't feel female so I guess I'm a man because I'm AMAB and that's all I got" etc.

Those most likely to come out are those with very strong NB/aro/ace feelings WHO BECOME INFORMED. And some may still not, or those with feelings they can't sort, because they've lived so long the previous way, they may at least feel they have too much to lose.

There's also people like me that need a lot of info to realise they were misreading their own feelings due to decades of amatonormative/heteronormative/binarist/toxic masculine brainwashing.

(I still don't like the term "toxic masculine" because I really want a term where we have more room to redefine "masculine" as decidedly masculine but wholly without the toxic stuff that's so married to "manliness," room to reject that stuff and revision manliness, but whatever)

THE REASON OLDER GENERATIONS DON'T HAVE THIS STUFF IS NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE INVENTING IT. IT IS BECAUSE OUR TIME DIDN'T ACKNOWLEDGE IT.

Yes, I think it's funny imaging how lost you'd be trying to use an 8-track player, or a library card catalogue actually made of index cards.

And had I not miscarried in December 2003 and had a sixteen year old, I'd have had them set up the internet TV device I got instead of three hours barely restraining myself from breaking it into pieces just like I was the only one who was able to figure out how to set the VCR clock and VCR+ timers when we got one when I was young. Which my difficulty with this stuff is more like a Boomer than an Xer. Most of my peers are pretty savvy. Sometimes my friends can tele-help me.

And I think new music,which I define as post-Y2K, stinks.

So I'm not hip and new. Plenty about me is just like your parents.

But no, you aren't making this up. And you're informing a lot of us. You're waking us up to how truly diverse humanity is. You're waking some of us up to who we really are.

And as for those of you who have crummy and even Karen parents, two things:

A. The Latino kids took me and the other Asian in in high school. There aren't many Asians in FL. (The "Another Chinese Family" bit on Fresh Off The Boat is so real) There are definitely some crummy Xers out there, and that's been true all along. There was even a right-wing youth org called "young republicans." There were Regean-loving racist queerphobes all along. They made my life miserable in high school, too.

B. There are also others like me that believe in you. That actually need you. You're bringing *back* a diversity that was smothered by colonial Europe. Historical precedent is actually on your side.

Thank you. I mean it. You're doing good, you're legit, and there are a lot of us who believe in you, too.

Birds and Other Supernatural Phenomenons

Hiiii! This is… long. Probably the longest chapter I’m going to have, but it’s all only one scene and I just couldn’t cut it in half. Thank you for your comments! They make my whole week! Some of you pointed out a few mistakes in the last chapter, I hope it’s all good now! ^^ And please tell me if there are any weird sentences or typos or anything. Multiple people told me that the last chapter’s storm came very suddenly, so I re-read the sixth chapter and as it turns out, the sentence about the weather was lost in the editing. It all looked very dark and moody in my head, so I didn’t notice there was no description of it. Thank you for telling me, I’m definitely going to correct that.

(I think we should call this fic BaOSP in the future when we’re just talking about it in the comments or on Discord or just in general, bc this title is really long… The title and the tags will stay the same of course, it’s just that from now on, BaOSP is the official (???) shortened version of it.)

Damian meets Marinette, I REPEAT, DAMIAN MEETS MARINETTE.

Ch. 1    Previous    Masterpost    AO3 

________________

Ch. 8: Lord Annoyance

It was Monday night and Damian Wayne already hated the week.

Tim finally passed out on Saturday and did nothing but sleep all weekend, so on one hand, now he was capable of speaking in full sentences. On the other hand, all of his sentences were about the process of etching and nobody knew why, so it wasn’t any less problematic.

Dick came home with several holes in his shoe and refused to speak about it.

Jason didn’t eat anything but pork for a week straight and this morning he swore to go vegetarian.

Bruce was in the process of finding new hobbies - Tim said it was midlife crisis, Jason said the old man was finally going crazy and Cass was out of town, so she just yelled at them via video chat. Barbara and Steph laughing their asses off every time the topic came up didn’t help either, but after seeing the anvil in the living room while going to get breakfast, Damian was starting to agree with Jason.

On top of it all, some idiot under the name of Dark Nomad killed a chicken, painted obscene pictures on the walls of one of Bruce’s apartments with its blood, then for some reason, they stole some garden interior and part of the fence. Just fantastic.

And guess who had to track him down and arrest him? Robin. Because his family was a bunch of freaking sadists.

On top of it all, when he finally arrived on the rooftop where the petty villain was spotted two days in a row, the idiot wasn’t alone.

Robin landed quietly, hid behind a metal staircase leading the upper parts of the building and stopped to listen to the conversation going down between the two shadowy forms. He was already planning revenge in the back of his mind - it would’ve been ridiculously easy to poison at least two out of his three brothers. Not too badly but enough for them to have an unpleasant couple of days.

“Did you manage to sleep during the day, or should I be worried about you suddenly falling down from here because of exhaustion?” one of the forms asked flatly, a young girl sitting on the edge of the roof. She looked tiny compared to the Nomad sitting beside her, but she didn’t seem to be afraid at all. Her body language was taunting and open, her dark hair shimmered in the light coming from the streets below as she turned her head towards the boy. She had a slight French accent.

“Nah, I had double English in the afternoon, so I’m good,” the Nomad said, playing with a stray thread on his hoodie. “You?”

“I slept on the bus…” the girl started, trailing off. She tilted her head, concentrating on something. “Could you give me a minute?” she asked, standing up. For a moment, Damian felt relieved. She was already leaving.

Then she turned towards him.

She could’ve just heard something. She could’ve just checked out the area. It could’ve been a coincidence, but she was staring right at him, even though he was sure he wasn’t visible in the dark.

She walked towards his hiding place with no hesitation or fear. He was standing there motionlessly as she got closer. He studied her form, looking for weapons and weak points. She was wearing a warm cardigan with jeans and dark boots. He eyed her scarf and gloves suspiciously. It wasn’t that cold, but he didn’t see anything hidden in them.

Her red lipstick matched her scarf, her hair was tied into a loose braid coming forward at the side of her neck, dancing gracefully when a light breeze caught it. Her body language was still way too open and she foolishly grabbed the railing of the staircase before peeking behind it, leaving her torso even more vulnerable.

If he was ever planning on confronting her, he would’ve changed his mind after that. She was clearly harmless when it came to physical combat.

What the hell was she doing here, then?

“Can I help you?” she asked, looking at where his mask covered his eyes. Her voice was toneless and her accent was gone. Robin wondered if he was just imagining it earlier. Maybe he was too deep in his thoughts to pay attention.

It happened a lot nowadays. Him, getting lost in his thoughts and not paying attention. At first, it annoyed him - and scared the living daylight out of him, not as if he was about to tell that to anyone. Now he knew it was part of being human. It meant he was getting healthier, as Alfred put it. Making mistakes was part of life and he wanted to have a life, right?

Yes, he did.

Sometimes he looked at Bruce and his sorry brothers and realized that he already had a one. It made him feel weird. Happy, probably, but it was a new kind of happy. It made him want to smile at the most random times and help Alfred with chores. It made him have this… desire to go after Bruce when he disappeared to his garden to calm down, to bring home some donuts for Dick every time he passed that shop he liked, to take Jason to Disneyland on his birthday, to make Cass smile more often, to pull up the security footages from the Cave on his computer, so he could check on Tim without him knowing.

It was terrifying and he wouldn’t have changed it for anything in the world.

“Robin?” the girl asked impatiently. Damn, he zoned out. He cleared his throat, trying to find the right thing to say.

“Errm… do you realize you are sitting with a criminal?” Good job, Damian, your brothers would be proud. Why not ask her her favorite color too, maybe that will help. He was prepared to hear Jason’s amused words through the comms, but surprisingly, his brother stayed quiet.

“Are you concerned about my safety?” The girl narrowed her eyes.

He straightened his back and cleared his mind.

“Actually, I’m here to arrest the Dark Nomad,” he told her, trying to sound professional. Not as if it mattered anymore.

“Why?”

“Damaging private property, theft, and vandalism.”

“Could you elaborate? Picking flowers in a park could be considered all three of those.” Her voice was mocking now.

Damian stared at her. She was at least a head shorter than him, with no weapons. He was Robin. She was either incredibly dangerous or very stupid, and he had a hard time believing in the first scenario.

“He killed an animal, draw obscene pictures on the street with its blood, did damage that’s repairing will take hundreds of dollars, stole garden interior… should I continue?”

“When did he do all that?” the girl asked. She didn’t seem surprised at all.

“Why would I tell you?” frowned Robin. “I’m here to arrest him, that’s the only important thing.” Harmless or not, she was getting annoying.

“Well, you can’t legally make arrests given that you’re not a police officer, which means that you have absolutely no reason to be here. You might as well go home,” she explained simply. Her voice was toneless again, she spoke as if she was just stating facts, - which she did, after all.

Damian’s blood was starting to boil. Did the psychopaths roaming this city have a right to murder people? No. Did they have any right to hurt civilians? No. Was any of the things they did legal? No.

Who was this kid to come and tell him about rights, when his family seemed to be the only ones protecting them?

The girl was looking at him as if she was staring into his soul, then suddenly, she smirked.

“Not as if that would stop you,” she said, and Robin looked at her quizzically. “But I have a feeling that you’re after the wrong guy, so if you told me when he did all that, it would clear a few things.”

He was lost. What did this girl want? She was too weird to be stupid. She let the railing go now and was standing with her arms at her sides, her head slightly tilted.

“Today, between two and three AM,” he told her finally, curious about her reaction.

She stared right into his eyes, even though his mask was hiding them and said, “He was with me.”

Robin didn’t see anything about her body language betraying her, but she must’ve noticed he didn’t believe her because she continued.

“We were talking about Tamás Vekerdy and Bruno Bettelheim. They’re psychologists who often write about children. He arrived around midnight, and when he left it was already past five in the morning, so there is no way he could’ve done anything unless he has an evil twin.”

He scoffed angrily. When he spoke again, he was hissing the words from behind his clenched teeth.

“These things don’t take long. He might’ve just slipped away for a few minutes and came back, unless of course if you were in the same position for five hours.” He might’ve also growled a little. He was standing only inches from her now, looming over her.

“That’s not too hard to check, your Highness.” She cocked her head and held his gaze fearlessly. “Where did all this happen?”

He was about to bite back but he stopped abruptly.

Okay, so he might’ve been a little wrong. If the girl was telling the truth, the guy should’ve disappeared for at least one and a half hours to get to the scene from here. Not as if that meant anything, she could’ve easily lied. He just didn’t notice it.

A voice saved him from having to answer.

“Marinette? Is everything okay?” The Dark Nomad was walking towards them. When he noticed Robin, a terrified expression took over his confused one. He was about to go and stand between the girl and the vigilante when she lifted her arm to stop him, not moving her gaze away from Robin. The Nomad looked like a caged animal but didn’t try to fight her.

“Lord Annoyance here states that last night, you cloned yourself between The Book of Diaries and NurtureShock, and went to draw booties and steal a bunch of garden gnomes.”

The Nomad opened his mouth to say something but Robin beat him to it.

“Okay, so first of all, it wasn’t just "booties” and they were drawn with blood, which makes it considerably worse.“ Jason, who was listening to everything he said trough the comms the whole time, chose that moment to burst out laughing. He did his best to ignore him.

"Second of all, a lot of things were stolen, not just…” yep, that sentence was a bad idea, “Garden gnomes.”

“Why do you think he did it in the first place?” the girl, - Marinette cut back.

“It was private property. There was a camera.”

“Whose?”

He took a second to consider the possible fallback of the answer. The existence of Bruce Wayne wasn’t a secret. Neither was the fact that he owned multiple buildings around the city. Maybe it was going to scare the villain enough that he confesses.

“Bruce Wayne’s,” he said finally. The girl’s undisturbed expression made him feel uneasy. “Have you heard of him?”

“Oh, you mean that’s who the big ass tower in the middle of the city is named after? I thought it was the ship name of watery rain or way of pain or something.” Her words were dripping from sarcasm.

‘Who are you talking to? What did they say?’ asked Jason like an excited child but Damian once again ignored him.

“Well, I’m sorry, but his alibi is pretty shaky, you know. Villains can be very convincing here, in case you didn’t notice.” He didn’t think this guy could convince anyone, but it was possible.

“Yeah, his ski mask really makes me shake in fear,” Marinette said flatly.

The villain finally got a chance to say something but his moment didn’t last long.

“It’s not a-”

“Yes, it is. Shut up.” Marinette pinched the bridge of her nose. “He is wearing a hoodie and a mask ever since… birth, probably. How did anyone recognize him?”

“He left his signature,” Robin told her. He wasn’t even angry anymore, he was just very annoyed.

Marinette froze. She almost seemed to forget about Robin as she finally broke eye contact and turned around.

“You… have a signature?” she asked the Dark Nomad, who was still standing behind her, ready to jump at any moment.

He opened and closed his mouth a few times. It reminded Robin of a distressed duck.

“Kinda,” he said quietly.

“Why would you do that?” asked Marinette, gesticulating wildly.

“It’s part of the aesthetic, okay?” he explained with a hurt expression.

“Hey, I’m accusing you of a crime here!” reminded them Robin. This was taking way longer than he wanted it to.

Marinette once again turned to him, let out a deep breath and arranged her face into a more professional expression.

Finally.

“Right,” she started seriously. She gave him a second to compose himself, then continued. “Boobs.”

The Dark Nomad snorted, but Marinette just gave him an unimpressed look and let out an exasperated sigh.

“Okay, so tell Mr. Wayne, that he should be looking for another idiot because I was looking after this one at the time.”

Before he could answer, he heard Jason’s voice in his ear.

'There is a robbery going down at Chucko’s. I’m going in.’

Damian cursed quietly.

“Don’t. Wait for me. I’ll be there in two,” he told him, placing his fingers on the comm so the two people standing in front of him knew he wasn’t speaking to them.

“I have to go,” he told them quickly, then took off before they could do as much as blink.

***

Marinette ran after the vigilante but stopped at the edge of the roof. She saw a dark form jumping over rooftops. After a few seconds, it disappeared and relief rushed over her body.

She was way too tired to think about how she just got into an argument with one of Gotham’s heroes.

She closed her eyes and turned to go back to her room. She needed to sleep. A lot.

“You’re kinda terrifying when you’re sleep-deprived, did you know that?” said Jeremy, coming out from behind the metal staircase.

“I always am,” answered Marinette, still not opening her eyes.

“Do you mean terrifying or sleep-deprived?” asked Jeremy confusedly.

Marinette gave him a small wave, then climbed back to the hotel without a word.

________________

*Quiet chanting* comments, comments, comments

*Chanting intensifies* comMEnts, COMments, coMMENTS

*Thunder*

*The flattering of wings and the sounds of scared birds*

*Chanting* COMMENTS, COMMENTS, COMMENTS, COMMENTS

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997

survey by deirdrelove

What is today’s date? October 26th.

Do you have any plans for tomorrow? Just work. All weekdays are for work.

Do you wear perfume or cologne? Usually, perfume. I have colognes too, but I like the scent of my main perfume far more so that’s what I choose to wear most of the time.

What kind of computer are you using? I have a Macbook Air.

What colour is your mouse? I haven’t used one in years. A trackpad has been reliable enough.

Is it sunny outside? It’s not. I’m not updated on the news but I think we’re supposed to have a really powerful typhoon pass by for the next few days, so the wind has been violent and howling all morning. Some of my co-workers have had power outages at home only used their mobile data today so yeah, it’s not looking too good. I’ve closed my windows for the meantime so that they don’t smash just in case the wind blows too hard.

What has the weather been like lately? It’s been very cold all weekend because of the rain, but it also gets humid every now and then. Still, it’s cold enough for me to turn off my fan all day which is good enough.

When was the last time you cried? Last night, I think.

When was the last time you sincerely smiled? I don’t remember. Maybe last night or yesterday afternoon.

When was the last time you laughed freely? I can’t tell you. I really can’t remember when the last time was. I’ve chuckled here and there, of course; it just hasn’t been hearty for a while now.

Do you eat breakfast regularly? No. I only have a cup of coffee so that I can get properly awake for workkk.

Do you take vitamins? Not regularly.

When was the last time you took aspirin or some other pain reliever? Saturday. I had a headache and was feeling a little dizzy so I had to take a Biogesic.

When did you learn to tie your shoes? Kinder 2, when I was five. One of our ‘exams’ was for the teachers to check if we can already tie our shoes, so my grandma had to teach me. I’m super awful with my hands though, and to this day I still struggle with tying my shoelaces and I still take longer than anyone I know.

What was your favourite grade in elementary school? 5th was fun until things fell apart by the end of it; 7th was great throughout.

Do you like clouds? I like when it’s cloudy, but I don’t lie on the ground and look at clouds.

What colour are your shoelaces? I have several shoes, but I think all of their shoelaces are white.

How many states have you been to? 0.

How many different countries have you been to? 6.

When was the last time you deeply regretted something? September.

Do you go to other people for advice or do you deal with things on your own? I like hearing what my friends have to think because whenever I’ve done things on my own I always fuck it up one way or another, and that sensation gets tiring at some point. Having other perspectives and voices helps as well.

How long was your longest relationship? 4 years.

What is your favourite brand of gum? I don’t have one considering they all lose their taste after a few chews. Whenever someone has gum and shares a piece with me, I just take it regardless of the brand.

What is something that you regularly wear that makes you stand out? I don’t know if I have anything like that. I hate standing out, anyway.

Do you own a debit card? Yuh.

A credit card? Nope.

Are you in debt? I am not.

When is your birthday? *sigh* Again, April 21st...

How old will you be? I’ll be 23.

What kind of cake is your favourite? Cheesecake! Flourless chocolate cakes and red velvet cakes are also great.

Do you prefer small birthday parties or big ones? For parties held by relatives I like them to be big, because it’s always nice to reunite with distant family members that I never get to see. With friends, small and intimate parties do the trick for me.

What song are you listening to now? No music, and I have a YouTube video paused.

Do you download illegal mp3's? I used to convert YouTube videos of audio tracks into MP3, if that counts. I never directly downloaded MP3s though; I always heard horror stories of those things containing viruses or the downloaded file not even storing the actual song.

What was the most traumatic experience of your life? [trigger warning] Being the main witness to my drunk grandfather beating the ever-living shit out of my infant cousin in his stupor when I was 9, and bearing the responsibility to tell that cousin’s mom, who was cooking dinner. I’m pretty sure I aged like 15 years from that moment alone.

Have you ever lost a friend to drugs or alcohol? No.

Who was your childhood best friend? Angela.

Are you still friends now? Yeah, for sure. I just asked her for dyeing tips an hour ago.

If not, why?

Are you sitting at a desk right now? Yes.

Are you eating or drinking? Nope, but I’ll be having dinner in about an hour or so.

How many surveys have you taken today? This is the first one.

Have you ever made a survey? No. I’m not the best in coming up with interesting random questions, so I’ve never given it a shot. Others are way better at it.

If you haven't you should. Its fun. =] I’m sure it is, but I really don’t think I’m creative enough for it.

Did you ever have any sort of collection? Nah.

Do you believe in Karma? I don’t subscribe to the entire concept as it’s defined in Hinduism, but yeah sometimes I’ll refer to its more informal description whenever someone does something that upsets me.

What do you thinks happens to us when we die? Permanent sleep.

What age do you think you'll die? My late relatives all passed between the ages of 70 to early 80s, so maybe by then. But idk, I hope I get my great-grandma’s longevity (she died at 95) because I’m still competitive when it comes to age and I wanna make it to that high a number, ha.

If you knew you had one more month to live what would you do? Well first I’d give out a sigh of relief because thank fuck. After that I’d probably spend the whole month eating all my favorite foods and traveling, at least to the cities that are now accepting visitors. I’d write down instructions for Kimi so that he’s properly cared for, give away my stuff, try to see some friends before it all ends.

About how long was the last book you read? It’s around 600 pages but I’m barely 50 pages in.

Have you read any books by V.C.Andrews? I don’t think so.

Have you ever read a play before? Yes.

A play not written by Shakespeare? Yes.

Have you ever read a play outside of school? Yeah, I have.

What is one career you don't think you could do no matter how much it paid? Engineer.

Would you want to live in the country or the city? City, without a doubt. I like the countryside and it’s certainly relaxing, but I need things to be constantly going on; I like my environment to be hectic, be loud, be busy. Too much quiet isn’t good for me.

Do you prefer large cities or small ones? Large.

Do you/Did you ride the school bus? Yep.

If not how did you get to school?

Do you have iTunes on your computer? Yeah but only because I’m on a Mac and I’m not sure if I can remove the app from my laptop. I haven’t used iTunes since high school though, and if I could I’d get rid of it.

Have you ever edited Wikipedia? Yeah, when I was like 10 lol. It wasn’t to mess around with an entry though; I saw an inaccuracy and genuinely wanted to help out.

Have you ever edited any other wiki? I’m sure I edited more than one page.

Is there a website [besides social networking] that you check almost daily? I don’t think so.

Are you procrastinating? Nope, all my homework for the day’s been done.

Do/Did you make good grades in school? In college, yes. I paid less attention in high school and my grades occasionally showed it.

What is your relationship with your parents like? It’s very casual and not very deep at all. I don’t confide in them, and the thought actually makes me squirm. I’m still skeptical of my mom and I don’t let myself get invested in her after the hurt she’s put me through in the last few years, but at least we don’t yell at each other as much anymore.

Do you have a better relationship with one parent than the other? You can say that. I get along better with my dad.

Do you look like your mom or your dad? Mom. But for some friends, my dad.

Do you write things on your hand to remind yourself? This is what I did in high school, but I haven’t done it since.

Do you use your phone as an alarm? If I need an alarm, yes.

Do you listen to music while you sleep? Nope, but similar. I turn on videos because talking sounds make me sleepy much faster.

Do you get scared when you know some virus or sickness is being passed? I mean if it’s like a plague then yeah, obviously. But to connect this question to today’s situation - after getting used to Covid stats and seeing the ratio of those who die from it vs those who end up healing from it, I’ve highkey stopped being afraid of it lol

Are you realistic? Yes.

Do you sing in the shower? Nope.

Monday, 5th of december 2005

I saw the movie Always: San-cho-me-no-yuuhi again over the weekend, on Saturday. I watched it at the Navio Tohoplex in Umeda, Osaka.

I hadn't visited Navio since they renovated it. I felt so nostalgic when I saw traces of the older Navio Hankyu. I even saw the elevators that went straight into the theater. The Kitano Theater had already occupied Navio Hankyu's construction site, so they simply built Navio Hankyu around the theater.

Back then it had been Umeda's most popular theater. Popular films often filled the theater to capacity from morning until evening. No one who really wanted to see a movie ever let the crowd deter him. It compares with the Marion Theater in Ginza.

They built Navio Hankyu in the shape of a ship. Each floor looked like a triangular wedge of cheese. They offered an art gallery inside, as well as a number of restaurants. I would eat at one of the restaurants after watching a movie.

I entered the renovated Navio Tohoplex. It has a number of smaller theaters inside since it's a cinema complex. Unfortunately, they chose to show Always in one of the smaller theaters.

I descended to the seventh floor and entered theater number eight. They used to have restaurants there in the past.

The movie has run for several weeks already, so I was surprised to find the theater almost full. Always is a real blockbuster. I took a seat in the back of the theater, and I had a good view of the audience's crowns. I was astonished once more to see that half of the audience had gray heads... they were elderly. Saturday wasn't a workday, so people were more likely to attend the theater... but I remain stunned by the overwhelming nostalgic support that people over fifty have given the movie.

I heard that Always ranked number one in the box office for three weeks. The film's renown as a hit really woke up the older movie-going audience. We don't often see mature-aged people touched by a CG movie.

I felt freer to cry during my second viewing. I knew the story's development and I no longer scrutinized the special effects, so I could let myself go more easily. Tears fell endlessly.

In the theater, I heard the audience weep in Dolby Surround Sound. We rarely see people of all ages and both genders cry in a theater. The older generation especially wept tears in remembrance of that lost time. I felt as though they were the tears of the Showa Era itself.

I hadn't been to Osaka's Umeda in a long time. I had last been there for the MGS3 release event, so that meant that I hadn't been there in about a year.

Umeda is the city of my youth. I met so many people there when I grew from boyhood to adulthood. I experienced so many steps on my way to becoming an adult, like dating, taking a part-time job, shopping, and entertaining.

Umeda is really special to me. It's quite nostalgic... although I don't feel quite as much nostalgia now as I had when I walked there a year earlier. It's the city of my memories... have I been in Tokyo too long?

I hadn't realized that my gait had fallen out of sync with the rest of the Osaka pedestrians. Walking became difficult... I often bumped into others. Osaka's dialect aggravated my ears. I couldn't stand the poor manners that people displayed while crossing the street. The billboard colors and people's clothing seemed obnoxious and harsh, rather than vibrant like people usually regard Kansai color schemes.

I couldn't collect myself for some reason. I used to feel calm every time that I returned to Kansai, but I couldn't feel that way this time.

That was a real problem! Was I still a Kansai man?

I mounted the long escalator leading to the Hankyu Umeda station's central gate. I held the handrail and looked at my feet - something just didn't feel right.

I looked up and didn't see anyone in front of me. Everyone stood on the right side of the escalator en-masse, and I had reflexively stood on the left. The escalator passengers going down glanced dubiously at me. I - a supposed Kansai man - had become an alien in Osaka.

People in Kansai form a line on the right side of the escalator, and people in Tokyo line up on the left. We simply do these things-no one formalized them. I heard that the habits switch somewhere around Nagoya, a city situated between Osaka and Tokyo.

"Where do I belong?"

After I asked myself this, I moved slowly to the right side.

I enjoyed the live version of Green Day's album Bullet in a Bible so much that I purchased its studio recording, as well as the Japanese release of their album American Idiot. The Japanese version has two discs and includes a bonus track, Bakuhatsu Live!~Tokyo, which they had performed at Makuhari Messe on March 10, 2005.

My favorite tracks are Boulevard of Broken Dreams and Wake Me Up When September Ends. It came with a lyrics card, so I'll memorize them to sing at Karaoke. I doubt that karaoke versions exist, though.

In the afternoon, we shot the footage for Metal Gear Saga at the sound-mixing studio. Lui handled the actual shooting, and KojiPro's Takahashi-kun obtained another camera to make doubly sure that we got the footage. We had rehearsed it last week, so everything went smoothly. We actually finished shooting ahead of schedule.

I changed into another jacket, and we filmed a video-letter that will run at one of our programmers' wedding party.

We got a real surprise when our make-up artist arrived for the shooting. She had worked with us last year at TGS 2004. A year and a half later, we met back together.

Murashu suddenly started wearing glasses. Four-eyes Murashu!

He explained that he wore them because his eyes were bloodshot.

Sexy glasses!

Shinta wore glasses too... was it a coincidence? Four-eyes Shinta!

Shinta wore glasses for the same reason that Murashu wore his. Had they contracted an eye disease? Or had they been in cahoots last night?

Double sexy glasses!

The InterLASIK eyesight operation had become very popular at KojiPro around the beginning of this year. Ryosaku lost his glasses, and then the Colonel lost his... and then pairs of glasses diminished day by day.

KojiPro's glasses diminished heavily within six months. I seriously considered having the operation at one point.

And now the four-eyed boys have returned! The times have reversed, and we see glasses in December... oh those sexy glasses!

I went to Jinbo-cho to get some pictures taken of myself for publication purposes. I only learned today that I needed to do so when Ichiro Kutome the Braggart King told me about it. We had planned to eat Torinabe together, but Torinabe turned into photography without my even noticing.

"Torinabe has chicken in it, and since the Bird Flu is still pretty hot conversation, let's settle for our usual tempura."

We changed our plans, and he took me to Jinbo-cho. Yet he didn't leave our taxi in the direction of the tempura restaurant once we had arrived at Jinbo-cho.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"I want to show you a store. Come on, let's go." He walked into an alley.

He walked deeper into the alley as he spoke. I had no choice but to follow him through the maze of alleys. It was like a hedge-maze garden. I would have gotten lost if had we been separated. I lost my sense of direction after several turns right and left. Yet I felt as though I had been there before.

"Haven't we been here before?" he asked.

"I think we came to a second-hand bookstore around here together, didn't we?"

Suddenly, the King of Used Books stopped. My eyes settled on a nice-looking shop named Higurashi. They had set up photographic accoutrements (such as the camera and the lights) in front of the shop. Mr. Kato, the photographer, and his assistant Hasshy had prepared to shoot photos in the cold weather outside.

I'm always so grateful for Mr. Kato's work.

"I've walked into a trap again!" I thought, but I quickly resigned myself to the cold weather as soon as I noticed Mr. Kato and his assistant. I consented to the photo shoot even though I had only worn casual clothing.

We stood in the gallery of the painter Mr. Kuniyoshi Kaneko. People often use the place for movie or photo location shoots. It's a great place to go for a location shot.

At least the King of Location-Hunting showed good taste in that.

The King of Presents had gone out of his way to set up this photo shoot as a gift, once he had learned that Mr. Kaneko once interviewed L'Arc-en-Ciel's Hyde there. I also noticed memorabilia from my much-loved Jean Cocteau inside the gallery.

Ah, all that made me really happy!

The King of Consideration sure is thoughtful.

We took a photo of the gallery entrance.

We took a few more photos inside the gallery. Hasshy turned out to be a fan of L'Arc-en-Ciel. I learned that Hyde had sat in a particular chair. We shared an animated conversation about the band for a while.

We finished taking pictures safely at 9 P.M.

Thank you so much everyone!

I'm also grateful for the art club Higurashi's cooperation.

We wrapped up by taking a commemorative photo with Mr. Kato and Ichiro Kutome. Hasshy actually pressed the camera shutter. I pressured him in good humor, saying, "This will appear on a blog that's received over 600,000 visitors!"

He took the photo very well.

Mr. Kato is a marvelous man. Five years have passed since we first met, when he took my photograph for the limited edition of MGS2. The King of Introductions had introduced me to Mr. Kato. Since then I have requested Mr. Kato's services every time when I need photos taken of myself. He also took the photo for HIDEOBLOG.

His photographs are superb of course, but I just plain like him. I always find his conversation really interesting when we take a break. He really expands my knowledge.

He's a pretty cool old man.

Good photographers are attractive people. A photographer's sensibility and talent draw out the subject's charm, be it a person or scenery. I only have limited experience with photographers, but the good ones are always interesting people too. Their soulful sensibilities become the true subjects of their photographs, whatever the concrete subject might be.

Photography is a subjective art... it isn't objective. We didn't really get pictures of me today. Rather, we got pictures of Mr. Kato's perception of Hideo Kojima. If I think of them this way, then I don't feel as embarrassed to appear in them.

I ate tempura at Yama-no-ue-Hotel. I don't know why, but I always eat tempura here with the King of Tempura after we finish an MGS game. We first came here about seven years ago when we completed MGS1. Neither one of us had proposed the habit... we just fell into it naturally.

We ate today to celebrate the completions of Subsistence and MGA2.

Ichiro Kutome handles all of the art direction for KojiPro's MGS-related packaging. The King of Tempura had been reckless once and became a father. Now he seems to have grown up a little. He understands now that the tempura batter is just as much a part of tempura as the bulk. He has become more sensitive to subtleties.

Afterwards we went to the cafe Milonga Neova, where the Cafe King often goes.

We drank a Belgian beer named Guillotine. It had a good body and was really tasty. I'd like to drink it again.

The cafe's closing hour hit at 11 P.M., and they threw us out. The King of Evictions had only worn a T-shirt, even in that cold weather.

Strangely enough, I didn't feel too cold. Perhaps that's because the Showa Era's warm appearance remains there in Jinbo-cho.

The Showa Era lives on in people's minds and in Tokyo's charm.

The Good Life: Chapter 9

Hello, my lovelies!This chapter is late because I lost track of time and didn’t realize that I hadn’t edited it and queued it to post on Friday or Saturday like I intended to do, so sorry about that! I’m trying to be better about posting, I really am, but I’m also a mess of a human being and am not as bad about it as I could be or as I have been before (insert references to my forgotten WIPs that I doubt I’ll ever pick up again)!

Need to get caught up? The Good Life: Ch1, Ch2, Ch3, Ch4 , Ch5, Ch6, Ch7, Ch8

If you want to be added (or  removed) from the tags list for this story, just feel free to let me know!

@pink-royaute @believethaticanandiwill @milllott @likeashootingstarfades @i-dream-of-emus @eveerez

The Good Life: Chapter 9

Rae dug through her purse, trying to use the light from her cell phone to find her keys as she stood outside the front door of her apartment.

“Fucking finally,” Rae huffed as she found the keychain that her apartment key was attached to, “we have got to get the bloody light out her repaired!”

It was much later than Rae had anticipated coming home, so as she unlocked the door and placed her keys back into her purse, she tried to open the door as quietly as she possibly could. She had barely made it into the apartment and relocked the front door behind her when she heard the distinct sound of a door opening and the dull thud of bare feet against the floor of the dimly lit hallway.

“I’m so sorry I woke you,” Rae apologized when Finn came into view of the kitchen as she was getting herself a glass of water.

“S’fine. I wasn’t sleeping,” Finn muttered as he walked to stand on the opposite side of the long kitchen counter from Rae, “Are you just getting home from work now?”

“Oh, uh, no. I did work my late afternoon shift today, but afterwards I had made plans to meet someone for drinks.”

“Oh! Alright,” Finn nodded as he brought his thumb up to his mouth to nibble at a slightly uneven edge of his nail, “I wasn’t sure where you were, but I also didn’t want to come across as being super clingy and paranoid by calling or texting you.”

“Did you stay awake just to make sure I got home safe?” Rae asked when she looked down and noticed that Finn was already wearing comfortable clothing and was stifling yet another yawn.

Instead of replying, Finn simply shrugged and followed Rae as she walked from their kitchen into the living room and took a seat on the couch. Finn sat down on the couch next to her and gestured for her to rest her feet on his lap, the position they ended up in more often than not when they sat on the couch together.

“Did you just go get drinks with a coworker after you both got out of work, or…?” Finn asked as casually as he could.

“Uh, no...”

“Was it, like, a date or something?” Finn asked when Rae didn’t elaborate further.

“Sort of,” Rae mumbled, “This guy I met at the party last weekend crossed paths with me on campus and he asked me to meet him for drinks today. I think you might know him, actually. He’s Chop’s mate, Blue.”

“You went on a date with Blue?” Finn questioned, making no attempt to disguise his tone of voice.

“Well, it was just a drink or two, but yeah I suppose.” Rae replied with a dismissive shrug.

“Huh, wouldn’t have expected that.”

“What’s that supposed to mean, Finn?”

“He just doesn’t seem like your type, I guess.”

“And what exactly is my type, since you seem to know so much about who I do and don’t like,” Rae asked with her eyebrows raised as she looked beside her on the couch, waiting for Finn to make eye contact with her.

“I dunno, but not Blue.” He muttered, looking up only briefly.

“Why not? He’s a nice guy,” Rae began.

“Oh, yeah! He’s definitely nice, he’s just really...well, he’s sort of…dim-witted.”

“Well, that’s one way to put it, yes,” Rae replied with a chuckle.

“Did you at least have a good time with Blue?”

“Yeah I had a really good time,” Rae replied before looking over at Finn, “but there likely won’t be a second date, since I know that’s the real question you were asking.”

Finn chuckled sheepishly ad began idly pulling on a loose string that was hanging off of the cuff of Rae’s jeans.

“Do you wish the date had gone better?”

“Not necessarily. I mostly just said yes because he asked and I thought that I had nothing left to lose. Worst case scenario, I go to a pub and have a drink or two with some shit guy and then come back home and tell you all about how shit it was. I had a good time and I liked talking to him, but I think we both are happy with just keeping it friendly and platonic.”

“That’s alright then, I guess.”

“I think so too. Chloe, Arch, and some of my coworkers have been on my ass about ‘getting out there’ and dating more, but I’m not too concerned about it. I like where I’m at now. Things are comfortable now, you know?” Rae replied with a wiggle of her feet that were still resting across Finn’s lap.

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Finn muttered, “We never talked about that before we moved in together, dating, I mean.”

“What?”

“Oh! I mean, uh, like if one of us is dating and gets into a relationship or whatever. We never talked about each of our rules about bringing people over or inviting dates into the apartment or whatnot.”

“I guess it never really occurred to me. I’m alright with you bringing home dates, just let me know first or let me know if you’d prefer that I not be in the apartment while she’s over or whatever,”

“Cool. Um, same, I guess. But I doubt you’d have to worry about me bringing any girls home. I haven’t been dating much recently either, much to Archie and the gang’s chagrin.”

“They just love to meddle in everyone else’s business. I think I’d be more surprised if they didn’t try to dictate my love life, honestly.”

“Yeah, you think that by now I’d be used to it, but apparently not!” Finn agreed with a laugh.

Finn and Rae sat quietly on the couch together for a few minutes before Rae could hear Finn struggling to stifle a yawn.

“Alright, Finnley, it’s way past your bedtime! I’m tired, I know that you’re tired and have to be awake early for work, and I need all the beauty sleep that I can get, so I think it’d be best if we both try to get some sleep now.”

“Yeah, you might be right,” Finn began before finally giving in to the yawn that he’d been trying to avoid, “I had a long day at work and have been looking forward to going to bed since I got home this evening, but I didn’t want to fall asleep and miss a call or text from you, since I wasn’t sure why you were running late. I was too busy worrying about ya to fall asleep.”

Rae looked over at Finn as she lifted her legs off of his lap and allowed him to stand up, smirking when she realized that Finn was likely unaware of what he’d just said out loud in his state of exhaustion.

“All the more reason for you to get in bed now then,” Rae said as she placed her hands on Finn’s shoulders from behind and steered him to walk down the hallway towards the open door of his bedroom.

“Good night, Rae!” Finn mumbled as he leaned to give Rae a light peck on her cheek before walking into his room and laying down face-first on his unmade bed.

“Sweet dreams, Finnley,” Rae said softly as she turned off his bedroom light and closed his door behind her as she walked to her own bedroom.

A/N: So I have the next few chapters all mapped out and I’m excited about them, but I wasn’t sure how long I was going to drag out the whole Rae-goes-on-dates-with-Not-Finn plot line or if I wanted to make Finn get jealous (trick question, yes I do. Jealous Finn is attractive af) and I’m still not sure tbh. Could this be the last we hear of Blue? Will Rae keep going on dates but with other people and will Finn be jealous about it? I guess we’ll all just have to stick around and keep reading to see what happens!

As always, thank you to everyone who read/liked/replied to/reblogged the last chapter, seeing those little notifications never fail to make my entire day! Until next time: Stay awesome, my friends!

Poway

At the end of the Yizkor Service last Saturday, I invited the congregation to join me in widening the scope of our prayerful focus as the cantor chanted the twenty-third psalm to include not just our co-religionists murdered while at prayer at the Har Nof synagogue in Jerusalem or in Pittsburgh, but also the members of other faiths who have been similarly killed in their own houses of worship. Foremost in my mind, obviously, were the dead in New Zealand and Sri Lanka. But I also had in mind those poor souls executed in Charleston in 2015 by an individual sufficiently depraved to have been capable of murdering people with whom he had just spent an hour—his victims’ last hour on earth—studying Scripture, as well as the twenty-six innocents murdered during Sunday prayers at the church in Sutherland Springs in Texas in 2017 and the six killed at the Sikh Temple in Oak Creek in Wisconsin in 2012. Little did I know that another such outrage would be perpetrated on the Pacific coast in California just a few hours after I was done addressing my own congregation as part of the same Yizkor service at which I was speaking. Or how personal it would feel to me—and neither because Poway is just an hour or so down the road from the town in California in which I used to live nor because Yom Hashoah just happened to be falling this week.

It’s hard to imagine a less likely place for an attack like that than Poway. It’s a quiet place, a suburban/rural community of fewer than 50,000 souls north of San Diego and south of Escondido off of Interstate 15. And although I’m sure many Californians—and certainly most Americans—couldn’t have said exactly where Poway was last Friday, it now joins Sutherland Springs or Oak Creek in our national roster of places people previously hadn’t heard of yet now speak about as though they’ve known where they were all their lives.

Nor was the storyline unfamiliar, at least as the police have pieced it together so far. A disaffected young man, in this case just a teenager, falls under the sway of white supremacist doctrine and concludes that his personal problems—and the problems of his fellow travelers—are being inflicted upon him and them by some identifiable group of others—in this case Jews, but the role also fillable, as we all know all too well, by black people, gay people, Hispanic people, Asian people, or any other recognizable minority. A manifesto—in this case really just a letter—detailing the specifics is composed and posted online or otherwise distributed to the media. And then the young man—almost never a woman although I’m not sure why exactly that is—gets his hands on the kind of gun that can kill a lot of people very quickly. The screed is posted. The die is cast. The killer gets into his car and drives to what he must realize could just as easily turn out to be the site of his own death as well as that of the people he is planning to make into his victims. And then he opens fire and kills none or one or some or many. (For a very interesting analysis posted on the Live Science website regarding the specific theories proposed to explain why so few women become mass killers, click here.)

The next part too feels almost scripted. The police issue a statement and open an investigation. The following day, the front page of America’s newspapers are filled with statements of outrage by public officials of various sorts. A day or a week later, there’s a follow-up piece about the victim’s funeral or the victims’ funerals. The nation shudders for a long moment, then moves on. Except for those who actually knew the victims, the matter dies down and eventually someone shoots up some other place and the cycle of outrage followed by getting over it begins anew. For most, the moving on part feels healthy. And it surely is so that the goal when someone we love or admire dies is precisely to move through the initial shock that almost inevitably comes upon us in the wake of unanticipated loss to a kind of resigned acceptance, and from there to true comfort rooted in a new reality. But can that concept rationally be applied to incidents like the murder of Lori Gilbert-Kaye in Poway last Shabbat?

What surprised me the most about the California shooting is how inevitable it all felt. Indeed, to a certain extent, it felt like we were watching yet another remake of a movie we’d all seen before. There were the expected presidential tweets lauding Rabbi Yisroel Goldstein, whom the President has surely never met, as (of all things) “a great guy.” And there was the expected tongue-clucking by the leaders of Congress and by the chief executive officers of every conceivable Jewish and non-Jewish organization, all of them decrying the fact that this kind of violence directed against houses of worship is slowly—and not that slowly either—taking its place next to school shootings and nightclub shootings and military base shootings and concert-venue shootings and movie theater shootings as part of our American mosaic, and that there doesn’t seem to be anything at all to do about it. The traditional debate about repealing the Second Amendment then ensues. Would such a move prevent this kind of incident? I doubt it—but it’s hardly worth debating, given that the chances of the Second Amendment being repealed in any of our lifetimes are exactly zero.

Last November, after the shooting in Pittsburgh, I wrote about a science experiment I recall from my tenth-grade biology class, one in which our teacher demonstrated that you can actually boil a frog alive without restraining it in any way if you only heat the water slowly enough for the rising temperature to remain unnoticed by the poor frog until it becomes paralyzed and thus unable to hop out of its petri dish to safety. (To revisit those comments, click here.) Is that where we Jewish Americans are, then, in an open-but-slowly-warming petri dish? It hardly feels that way to me…but, of course, it doesn’t feel that way to the frog either. And yet the degree to which we have all become inured to anti-Semitic slurs, including in mainstream media, makes me wonder if we shouldn’t be channeling that poor amphibian’s last thoughts a little more diligently these days.

Just last week, the New York Times published in its international edition a cartoon that could have come straight out of any Nazi newspaper in the 1930s. The cartoon, by a Portuguese cartoonist named António Moreira Antunes, was picked up by a service that the Times uses as a source for political cartoons and apparently approved for publication by a single editor whom the Times has not identified by name. Its publication too triggered a storm of outrage from all the familiar sources, but the response the whole sorry incident provoked in me personally was captured the most eloquently by Bret Stephens, himself an opinion columnist for the Times, who wrote that the cartoon—which features a Jewish dog with Benjamin Netanyahu’s face and wearing a big Star of David necklace leading a blind and obese Donald Trump whose ridiculous black kippah only underscores the extent to which he has become the unwitting slave of his wily Jewish dog-master—came to him (and to most, and surely to me personally) as “a shock but not a surprise.” To read Stephen’s piece, in which he goes on to describe in detail and to deplore his own newspaper’s “routine demonization of Netanyahu,” its “torrential criticism of Israel,” its “mainstreaming of anti-Zionism,” and its “longstanding Jewish problem, dating back to World War II,” click here. You won’t enjoy reading what he has to say. But you should read it anyway.

I’m guilty of unwarranted complacency myself, more than aware that I barely even notice untruths published online or in print about Jews or about Israel. After the Israeli election, for example, I lost track of how many opinion pieces I noticed interpreting the Netanyahu victory as a kind of death knell for the two-state solution. (One example would be the headline of the Daily, the daily New York Times podcast, for April 11: “Netanyahu Won. The Two-State Solution Lost.”) The clear implication is that the Palestinians will only have an independent state in the Middle East when Israel finally decides they can have one. But is that even remotely true? Palestine has been “recognized” by 136 out of the United Nations’ 193 member states. If the Palestinian leadership were to declare their independence today and invite the neighbors in (and not solely the Israelis, but the Jordanians and the Egyptians as well) to settle border issues, and then get down to the business of nation building, who could or would stand in their way? But the Palestinians have specifically not moved in that direction…and surely not because the Israelis haven’t permitted it. That much seems obvious to me, but how many times have I just let it go after seeing that specific notion promulgated as an obvious truth? Too many! Just as I haven’t always responded when I see other ridiculous claims intended solely to degrade Jews or Judaism or to deny historical reality. (When the Times published a piece by one of its own reporters, Eric V. Copage, a few weeks ago in which the author denied that Jesus of Nazareth had been a Jew and suggested instead that he must have been a Palestinian, presumably a Palestinian Arab, I didn’t run to my computer to point out that  there were no Palestinian Arabs in the first century C.E. since the Arab invasion of Palestine only took place six centuries after Jesus lived and died, granting myself the luxury of leaving that work to others. Many did speak up and a week later the Times published a “revised” version of the piece that omitted the offensive reference. But my point is that I personally should have spoken out and now feel embarrassed by my own silence.)

It’s true that the Times published a long self-excoriating editorial about the cartoon episode just this week in which it acknowledged its own responsibility for fomenting anti-Semitism among its readers. (Click here to read it.) That was satisfying to read, but it should remind us that the only useful way to respond to Poway is to resolve to speak out more loudly and more clearly when we see calumnies, lies, or libelous untruths in print about Israel or about the Jewish people…and not to just assume that other people will do the heavy lifting while we remain silent.

Kopps joins likes of McFadden, Williamson

New Post has been published on https://tattlepress.com/ncaa-basketball/kopps-joins-likes-of-mcfadden-williamson/

Kopps joins likes of McFadden, Williamson

FAYETTEVILLE — Kevin Kopps’ spectacular 2021 season inspired a study by the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette of the best individual seasons in University of Arkansas history.

Kopps allowed 9 earned runs in 89 2/3 innings spanning 33 appearances for a nation’s best ERA of 0.90. The 24-year-old right-hander from Sugar Land, Texas, also led the NCAA with a 0.76 WHIP based on 50 hits and 18 walks allowed.

Kopps struck out 131 batters to average 13.15 strikeouts per nine innings, a rate that ranked 15th in the country. The sixth-year senior credited his workout routine, dietary discipline and beet juice for improving his stamina and bounce-back ability.

He has already earned college player of the year honors by winning the Dick Howser Trophy and from various other outlets, and he’s a favorite to win the Golden Spikes Award given in July to the best amateur baseball player.

In Saturday’s edition, the Democrat-Gazette presented 10 remarkable Razorback seasons in a variety of sports, in alphabetical order: Mike Conley (men’s track and field, 1985); Alistair Cragg (men’s track and field, 2004); Maria Fassi (women’s golf, 2018); Katherine Grable (gymnastics, 2014); Jarrion Lawson (men’s track and field, 2016); Stacy Lewis (women’s golf, 2007); Aurelija Miseviciute (women’s tennis, 2008); Brooke Schultz (swimming and diving, 2018); R.H. Sikes (men’s golf, 1963); and Erick Walder (men’s track and field, 1994).

Today, we tackle football, basketball, baseball and softball for the other half of what we deemed the best individual seasons in UA sports history.

A reminder of the loose criteria: The chosen athletes were to have won an individual NCAA championship or national award, earned All-America honors, been chosen conference player of the year or broken a school record.

The entries are not ranked and are presented in alphabetical order.

Andrew Benintendi, Baseball, 2015

The Razorbacks’ first winner of the Dick Howser Trophy and the Golden Spikes Award, Andrew Benintendi helped send Arkansas back to the College World Series for the first time since 2012.

Benintendi’s monumental season would have been hard to predict, though Dave Van Horn and the Arkansas coaching staff thought he’d probably have a breakout sophomore year.

Benintendi was the top signee in the Razorbacks’ Class of 2013, but he broke the hamate bone in his hand prior to the season and had trouble swinging the bat without pain for a while.

As a freshman, he hit .276 — third on the team behind fellow future major-leaguer Brian Anderson’s .328 — with 1 home run, 27 RBI, 17 stolen bases in 21 tries and 5 outfield assists.

The next year, the left-handed hitting whiz from Cincinnati tore it up. He raised his batting average 100 percentage points to .376, hit 20 home runs, drove in a team-high 57 runs, went 24 of 28 on stolen bases, drew 50 walks against 32 strikeouts and had 2 outfield assists.

Benintendi was the first Razorback to be named SEC player of the year after batting .415 during the regular season and .443 in conference play. He had an NCAA-best .771 slugging percentage entering the postseason and had not struck out in 46 plate appearances entering the SEC Tournament.

Braxton Burnside, Softball, 2021

Braxton Burnside’s whopping final season is still fresh in memory because she just completed it in late May. The Paragould native and graduate student hit .357 with a school-record 25 home runs and 54 RBI.

Burnside’s home run count tied for the SEC lead with Texas A&M’s Hailey Lee and was one shy of the conference record of 26 held by Alabama’s Bailey Hemphill and Mississippi State’s Mia Davidson, both in 2019.

Burnside’s robust .892 slugging percentage was second in the SEC behind Lee. She earned first-team All-America honors by the National Fastpitch Coaches Association and was a first-team All-SEC selection.

A transfer from Missouri, Burnside started all 25 games at shortstop during the covid-19 shortened 2020 season and hit .392 with 3 doubles, 5 home runs, 16 runs and 20 RBI.

Bettye Fiscus, Women’s Basketball, 1985

Razorback women’s hoops was a fledgling sport when Bettye Fiscus arrived in 1981 after leading Wynne to a AAA state championship and earning player of the year honors from the Arkansas Democrat.

Fiscus was a household name in Arkansas by the time she finished her career as the first superstar in the program with a school-record 2,073 points.

Fiscus holds several distinctions, having become the first female athlete inducted into the UA Sports Hall of Honor in 1994 and having her No. 5 jersey retired as the first male or female athlete to be afforded that honor in basketball in 1986.

Fiscus averaged 16.9 or more points every year at Arkansas, capped by her career-best average of 19.8 points in 1984-85.

Dan Hampton, Football, 1978

Before this Cabot native earned the nickname “Danimal” as a regular member of John Madden’s rugged All-Madden team, Dan Hampton was a “Junkyard Dog” on an Arkansas defense that helped the Hogs to big seasons in the mid-to-late 1970s.

The epitome of the era came in Hampton’s junior year of 1977, when the Razorbacks went 11-1, smothered No. 2 Oklahoma 31-6 in the Orange Bowl and finished No. 3 under first-year Coach Lou Holtz.

However, Hampton turned it up a notch individually as a senior in 1978, when he earned first-team All-America honors and was named Southwest Conference Defensive Player of the Year after racking up 98 tackles, including 18 for loss. The Houston Post tabbed Hampton as its SWC player of the year.

A member of the Pro Football Hall of Fame Class of 2002, Hampton recorded 57 sacks and 10 fumble recoveries as an inside-outside force for the Chicago Bears’ famed 46 defense from 1979-90.

Kevin Kopps, Baseball, 2021

Kopps came out of the gate slowly, allowing an earned run in the season opener against Texas Tech, then turned into college baseball’s most dominant pitcher.

Kopps’ ERA of 0.90 was 0.39 better than the second-place pitcher in the NCAA statistics.

He led Division I with a 0.76 WHIP, a product of walks plus hits allowed divided by innings pitched. Only 36 Division I players have a WHIP lower than 1.0 this season.

The sixth-year senior right-hander, who notched 13.15 strikeouts per nine innings, was named a finalist for the Golden Spikes Award on Thursday along with Vanderbilt starters Kumar Rocker and Jack Leiter.

Darren McFadden, Football, 2007

Darren McFadden’s sophomore and junior seasons in 2006 and 2007 represented possibly the most sublime individual campaigns in Razorback athletics.

But which McFadden year was better?

He rushed for 1,647 yards and 14 touchdowns and accounted for 19 touchdowns in 2006. He racked up a school-record 1,830 rushing yards and 16 touchdowns and accounted for 21 touchdowns, including 4 as a passer, as a junior.

McFadden won the Doak Walker Award as the nation’s top running back both seasons and finished as the Heisman Trophy runner-up each year. While he probably was more deserving of the Heisman Trophy over Ohio State quarterback Troy Smith in 2006, rather than Florida’s Tim Tebow in 2007, the latter season was arguably his best. He earned the Walter Camp Trophy that season as the best player in college football.

The Little Rock native played through a rib injury suffered in midseason and had a monster game in the Razorbacks’ 50-48 triple overtime upset at No. 1 LSU in his final regular-season game.

McFadden also tied the SEC single-game rushing record with 321 yards in a 48-36 win over South Carolina on the night “Frank Broyles Field” was dedicated at Reynolds Razorback Stadium.

Arkansas played in the SEC Championship Game during his sophomore year, but McFadden’s 2007 season just might be the best in Razorback history.

Sidney Moncrief, Men’s basketball, 1979

Little Rock’s Sidney Moncrief was one of the famed “Triplets” with Ron Brewer and Marvin Delph on the Razorbacks’ first Final Four team in 1978, where his defense, rebounding and all-around game made him stand out.

With Brewer and Delph gone from the 1979 team, Moncrief increased his productivity and his value as a senior and helped lead Arkansas to the Elite Eight, where it lost in controversial fashion to an Indiana State team headlined by Larry Bird.

Moncrief was a consensus All-American and was named Southwest Conference player of the year in 1978-79 after averaging 22 points, 9.6 rebounds, 2.7 assists and 1.5 steals while leading the Hogs to a 25-5 record.

Moncrief averaged 38.6 minutes, shot 56% from the field and 85.5% from the free-throw line that season. The 6-4 Moncrief held the school scoring record with 2,066 points until it was eclipsed by Todd Day, and his 1,015 career rebounds still stand as the UA record.

The No. 5 pick by the Milwaukee Bucks in the 1979 NBA Draft, Moncrief won the first two NBA Defensive Player of the Year awards in 1983 and ’84, was a five-time NBA All-Star and was elected to the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame in 2019.

Loyd Phillips, Football, 1966

A key performer as a sophomore on the Razorbacks’ 1964 national championship team, Loyd Phillips went on to have two more big seasons.

His work in 1966 as a relentless defensive tackle led to his selection as the Outland Trophy winner as the best lineman in college football. Phillips earned consensus first-team All-America status that season by The Associated Press, American Football Coaches Association, Football Writers Association of America, Sporting News and Walter Camp as well as first-team All-SWC for the third consecutive year.

Phillips posted 97 tackles in 1966 after notching 100 the year before, and he finished with 304 career tackles, including 22 in a game against Tulsa.

The native of Longview, Texas, who died in December was proud to say his teams at Arkansas never lost to Texas.

Clyde Scott, Football/Track and field, 1948

Clyde “Smackover” Scott transferred to Arkansas in 1946 after resigning his post at the U.S. Naval Academy in order to marry Leslie Hampton, whom he met as the reigning Miss Arkansas when he escorted her around Annapolis, Md., while at the pageant.

Scott became a legend with the Razorbacks, an All-American in 1948 as a two-way star and self-taught sprinter on the track team.

Scott rushed for 670 yards on 95 carries to average 7.1 yards per carry in 1948, but his contributions were perhaps more critical on defense, where he was already famous for stopping an LSU ball carrier at the 1 in the 1947 Cotton Bowl to preserve a 0-0 tie with the favored Tigers.

Scott held the UA record in the 100-meter dash at 9.4 seconds, and he won the 110 high hurdles at the NCAA championships with a 13.7 to edge Northwestern’s Bill Porter.

At the London Olympics later that summer, Porter edged Scott in a photo finish, giving the Razorback a silver medal.

Scott, who passed away in Little Rock on Jan. 30, 2018, at age 93, had his No. 12 jersey retired by Athletic Director John Barnhill in 1950, the first Razorback to earn that distinction.

Corliss Williamson, Men’s basketball, 1994

Corliss Williamson, a native of Russellville, was the best player on the best Arkansas basketball team of all time, easily earning a spot on this list.

Williamson averaged a career-high 20.4 points per game as a sophomore during the 1993-94 season, leading the Razorbacks and Coach Nolan Richardson to a 76-72 win over Duke in the NCAA title game in Charlotte, N.C.

The 6-7, 245-pound power forward, given the nickname “Big Nasty” as a teenager, earned Most Outstanding Player honors at the 1994 NCAA Tournament, and he earned consensus All-America honors that year and also in 1995, when the Razorbacks fell to UCLA in the NCAA championship game.

Williamson was named SEC player of the year in his sophomore and junior seasons while helping lead the Razorbacks to SEC West titles all three years.

A longtime NBA assistant coach after serving as head coach at Arkansas Baptist (2009-10) and Central Arkansas (2010-13), Williamson won championships at the AAU, NCAA and NBA (Detroit Pistons, 2004). Williamson was inducted into the UA Hall of Honor in 2009.

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Right there ♡ Ethan (smut)

Summary: Sub!Ethan, do I need to say more? Lots of smut, so I hope you enjoy ;) This fic is inspired by the song Right There by my actual favourite of all time; Ariana Grande.

Word count: 1.933

A/N: Hi beautiful, lovely people. It has been a while, I know. I have started college two weeks ago and it is literally sucking the energy out of me. For real, the days are so short and I have so many things to do that I don’t even have time for myself. So I‘m very happy to post this and I hope you are too :) xxxx

Requested!

Today had been a pretty long day. I had taken a fifteen minute shower which included shaving, washing my hair and body and just letting the hot water relax my painful muscles. A shower always washed away the stress from the day, and I was glad that this particular one was over. 

Working on Saturdays was crazy. I was running around all day; serving guests, preparing the food, making sure the tables were clean... After two years of working in a restaurant, I was - of course - used to the fuss, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t exhausted after coming home from a tiring day. 

After turning off the shower and wrapping my body in a towel, I put away my products and quickly wipe the damp of the mirror. And as I’m cleaning up and watching my reflection, an impulsive idea, a weird desire comes to my mind.

I get butterflies                                                                                                  Just thinking about you, boy                                                                    Sometimes I catch myself daydreaming                                                          Lost in your eyes                                                                                               And I lose all the track of time

I hang up the wet towels to let them dry and take a deep breath. On my tippy toes I walk over to Ethan’s bedroom. Ethan was still editing. He had been doing that since the minute I came home, which was about two hours ago. In fact he was already editing when I came over. He didn’t even had taken a break, and I could read the frustation from his face. His brows were furrowed in a worry as he tried to finish the last things on the video. 

Normally Grayson and he would both edit the video, but today he wasn’t home. And that worked out for me very well today. As I walk into the bedroom I let my hand glide down across the door, slowly putting one foot in front of the other. Ethan peeped up when he saw me coming in. 

He licked his lips as his eyes grew wider at the sight of my almost naked body. ‘Well, hello there,’ he greeted me, closing his laptop. ‘Hi there,’ I whispered. A pleasant shiver went down my spine when Ethan checked me out. I could read of his face he was enjoying the woman standing in front of him.

His eyes darkened when I ran a hand through my wet hair, increasing the tension that was already touchable in the room. ‘You look so damn sexy,’ Ethan complimented you. ‘Come here and let me take care of you,’ he demanded, shoving his laptop to the side and already trying to get up.

Boy, you make me feel so lucky                                                                           Finally the stars align                                                                                            Never has it been so easy                                                                                   To be in love                                                                                                         And to give you this heart of mine

He ceased his actions when I held up my hand. ‘Not tonight, baby boy. Tonight it’s your turn,’ I winked at him. ‘Hmm, can’t say no to that,’ Ethan chuckled and he laid back between the pillows, placing his big arms behind his head. He looked like he was ready to be entertained. Well, he was going to get what he want. 

I let my hands trail up and down my body seductively, never breaking eye contact and making sure he saw every side of my body. I slowly unwrapped myself and let the towel drop to the floor, trying to hold my hands steady and ignoring my nerves. My body was still moist and it glittered beautifully in the last orange sunlight that shone through the window. 

Ethan brought his hand up to this mouth and bit his knuckles, like the sight of me was too much for him. I loved it when he did that, because let’s be real; It feels surprisingly good if someone thinks your sexy; you have this kind of power over them. I felt my nipples grow harder when Ethan bit his lower lip and smiled. ‘Come here, Y/N. You’re killing me.’

You know what I need                                                                                           I know what you like                                                                                              Put it all together baby, we could be alright                                                       How could this be wrong?                                                                               When it feels so right                                                                                       Yeah, I really love you                                                                                           I really love you

I grinned and slowly walked up to the bed, fully aware of Ethan’s hungry eyes on every centimeter and curve of my body. His eyes darkened when I climbed onto the bed and placed myself in front of him, sitting sideways. Suddenly a wave of doubt came over me when I realized I had never done anything like this. 

Ethan was normally the dominant one and I never complained about that. But the power was in my hands now and I didn’t really know how I should start. Ethan lifted my chin and looked at me so lovingly all my worries disappeared. 

‘Relax, baby. You don’t have to do anything just to please me, you know that.’ I smiled. ‘...But I want to.’ Before I could think twice or Ethan had the chance to say anything, I leaned forward and pressed my lips hard against Ethan’s. He moaned in response when I slipped my tongue inside his mouth, running the muscle over every corner expertly. 

Ethan reached out his hands and cupped my face, stroking his thumb against my jaw. My lips curled into a small smile while still kissing him, always feeling the warmth when our skin touched. I made my way down to suck his neck, but eventually leaned back to give him the chance to get rid of his shirt. 

The view of his toned torso and smooth skin was almost too much to handle. How did I ever get so lucky? I glanced up to his face quickly before I bent down again and started kissing his neck. I trailed my fingers up and down the sides of his torso while I kissed down his stomach.

As I made him more relaxed I could slightly feel his growing member underneath me. The thought of making him aroused made me giggle. I wasn’t even sure of what I was doing most of the time, but Ethan was clearly enjoying it. 

And I’ll never let you go                                                                                      You should know                                                                                                   I’m never gonna change                                                                                       I’m always gonna stay                                                                                       You call for me, I’m right there

He moaned softly when I pulled his boxers down, accidently touching the hard bump in it. He was already leaking from being so turned on, and he blushed slightly when I felt the damp from pre-come on his boxers. When I looked up in a smirk, he sheepishly looked away. 

I had the feeling the reversed roles was something he would have to get used to. Most of the time he went down on me. He gasped as I brushed my thumb against his slit and jerked his hips up automatically. I wrapped my fingers around his member, feeling how thick and long it was. I stroked slowly, looking at Ethan leaning his head back and digging his teeth into his bottom lip. 

He was trying to keep it together because he nearly came already. He was so sensitive. I licked my lips before I closed my mouth around his tip. He inhaled sharply when my tongue started circling up and down his shaft, slowly but certainly building him up. 

I pulled back to look at him, running my nails along his thighs. He looked so desperate and needy that I couldn’t help but chuckle. He was nothing but complete putty in my hands. ‘Y/N, please. I need you,’ he craved. I only smiled in response as I went back to the place he wanted me most right now. 

I grazed the ridge of his head between my lips and slowly laid my tongue out while taking him all in. He groaned a long, longing moan. ‘Fuck... Don’t stop.’ I moaned out against his cock in response, a new wave of confidence flooding over me as I realized he was really enjoying it. 

I looked up to his face to meet his eyes. He looked so desirous and his hair was all messy from running his hands through his hair several times. I reached my hand up to gently caress his abs as I start to bob my head up and down. 

Ethan whimpered and grabbed my hair, pulling and tangling his fingers in it. I moaned in response again, sending pleasant vibrations through his body which only resulted in driving Ethan wilder. ‘Shit! Feels so good.’ His abs flexed as he pulled at my hair. He moaned my name, surrendering himself to me completely.

He pushed me further down just to the point where I slightly gagged but eager to take in as much as I could. But as much as Ethan wanted to shove himself down my throat, I knew he wasn’t going to hurt me. He waited and let my mouth get used to it, knowing I was a little inexperienced.

Ethan’s hips jerked up more as I took him deeper, begging and moaning my name. He jerked forward and made me open my mouth more to accommodate his length. I could feel he was close, very close. I watched him in amusement as he tried to not grind his hips onto my face. 

His mouth had dropped open and his eyes were filled with lust. ‘Make me come and I’ll fuck you so hard you won’t be able to walk tommorow,’ he demanded, voice rough. I giggled and pulled back. ‘I doubt that.’ I hissed as he playfully tucked at my hair again. ‘Never doubt me, baby girl.’

As I closed my lips around his hard-on again, Ethan breathed heavily. He tried to catch his breath while I pushed myself down on him. I tried to hold him still as he jerked his hips up clumsily into my mouth, feeling the head nudging the back of my throat.

‘Oh God, yes. Right there.’ The power and control I had over him was surreal. He watched me as I was almost choking because he was so huge, but I took in as much as I could to pleasure my boy. It wasn’t long before he shut his eyes and started making these sexual sounds. 

‘I-I’m gonna come,’ he whined and let out a loud groan. His body spamsed and his thighs were practically shaking. He came deep and hard into my mouth as I tried to swallow. It gave me such a satisfied feeling to see my boyfriend receiving the pleasure he always gave me. I felt proud.

After he had slowly come down I sat up and looked at him. My lips were a bit swollen and red, but I didn’t even feel it. All I felt was the love I had for Ethan. He sighed in contentment. ‘God, you’re so fucking gorgeous, Y/N. You’re literally breathtaking,’ he whispered while he looked at me in admiration. ‘I love you.’

This moment was so special I wished the time could freeze, even if it was just for a few seconds. My heart fluttered at his words. I loved Ethan so much. And although I was very exposed, I had never felt more comfortable with someone. There was really no one like him. 

‘I love you, too,’ I murmered. Ethan leaned in to kiss me hungrily but passionately. ‘But...’ he started as he grabbed my hips gently and turned me around onto to my belly. ‘We’re not done yet. Hands and knees, baby girl,’ he smirked and I recognised the tone of his voice. I giggled and did as he said, ready for another round tonight.

Worries

Wednesday, 31st of January 2018, 6:11pm

Hi. Right now I am still at work tipping away but I will leave soon and probably continue this post at home- if I have time for it today, might only have it tomorrow. So, I already wrote in my diary today -btw I recommend everyone to keep a diary, even tho I don't always want to write it is somewhat therapeutic- but I am worried.

Worried for a friend to be specific. Well, for two to be honest but I want to talk about only one for now. Since I made her get Tumblr as well, she might be reading this but anyways I wanna call her "icebreaker"- if she ever reads my post, she will know that I am talking about her. 

So, with this friend, I have to admit, I never did a lot together. I mean sure, she is my friend and has been for a while but now that I think about it, last Saturday was only the third time I did sth alone with her... Oh btw, I didn't mention it yet it`s been hours since I started this post, I'm home now, very tired and sick off all my stress and it is 11:32 pm now and I have work tomorrow yeaaaaaiy. Anyways, #icebreaker that we are talking about always was this loud, funny, silly soccer girl that loved making everyone laugh and kinda got dissed by many, but in a joking way. Idk- she kinda always put herself in a situation where it is easy for others to pick on her, and I think I did that too without realizing.  So, last Saturday she and I went shopping a bit since I needed stuff (I bought two huge sketchbooks, I love them sm!) and she was owing me money and wanted me to show her how Tumblr works. It really has been a long time since I properly talked to her. She has grown up so freaking much (says me, the one that is two years younger but let's ignore that for now), she has become more mature and a fucking lot more insecure. 

I don't know how to describe it but you were just able to see it in her eyes, that hatred, and depression. I feel really bad for never noticing. every second sentence was something like “Okay but let's be honest, who even fucking needs me??” and seeing her like that really shocked me. She told me about how much she hated herself and didn't see the reason that she was alive. She told me about her fears and trusted me with something that I am very glad she trusted me with. For the longest time I spurned egoistical people but I only now noticed that I myself was egoistic. I didn't even notice that one of my only friends was slipping into depression.

All I cared about was only myself and how bad I was doing... 

If you ever read this, I am sorry about that. Also for the nickname, we gave you that you never liked and the way that I always bullied you. I didn't notice how bad you were feeling because of that. 

Watching her gaze losing focus and liveliness I realized that I had to change something. Like I mentioned before I want to organize myself more, make more time for doing stuff in a day and learn a lot until my apprenticeship is over since I have big plans afterward. 

Another thought that just occurred me; I won't be explaining or talking more about myself or my past in any way in these daily diary entries. If someone stumbles upon these and starts reading, I hope you will enjoy the piece if my mind that I am sharing here. 

My little naive fucked up swearing mind. 

I lost my track, I wanted to add that after I started managing myself more I also plan on focusing a lot on my friends as well. It`s been a long time that I really sincerely talked to any of them, my best friend is probably the only one tbh and I haven't seen her in more than two weeks now too. Gosh, I am only now realizing how antisocial I have become because of my own depression and because of work. 

...

I wanted to apologize just now but I'm not going to. The time of me apologizing for everything is over. 

I am growing up, managing my stuff and organizing myself more, creating a plan for my future- I wouldn't be here with this mindset if I had changed anything before. So I am glad that I noticed all my wrongdoings now and I am glad to finally be proud of myself.

I wrote that in my diary earlier- that I am finally proud of myself and really meant it. Funny, isn`t it? 

Anyways (don't have another transition word yet lol), I am very tired now, I probably rambled a lot (but I'm going to read through it again- it`s okay lol)  and I originally planned to edit a video too but I don't know if I will do it today.. I wanna go to sleep v bad.

Let us see, i`ll update you tomorrow on what I did.

lol, #cliffhanger, did she go to sleep or did she stay up even later making herself dead tired the next day at work tomorrow?”

-C Ya xD,  11:52 pm

Polyester Makes Her Butt Itchy

A/N: I hope you guys like it, I didn't edit this so I hope you don't mind too much. word count: 1,659 Harry knew Y/N’s love for animals were strong, she was always kind to each one she saw. Y/N went to pet stores everyday, no matter if she barely had enough time she would make time. Everytime she came back she would ask Harry the same question “Can we please get a pet please H? You know I’ll take care of it, maybe we can get something small like a mouse, spider, or something please?” Harry was taken aback the first time she’d asked the question, he knew damn well the spider was out of the question. He didn’t want to risk getting scared at night and accidentally kill it then consul her after breaking the unfortunate news. But that day and onward his answer had been the same, “Pretty girl, you know I would love nothing more than getting you a pet, but when I take you on tour with me it’s not very practical to have a cat with you. Even if you leave it at home who’s going to take care of it for that long? I’m sorry love, but it’s a no." Telling Y/N no made his heart stop, she never asked him to throw all his money into her needs and wants. So it was extremely easy for him to say yes to her, well the only thing he hesitated on was letting her do is make up, after a few kisses and a blowie he agreed. Y/N called Harry before walking out of the house, “Hey H, I’m about to walk down to the pet store, Louise said she’d keep it open for thirty extra minutes so I can’t pass that up. You’ll most likely get home before me so can you preheat the oven?” Y/N fumbled with the keys before putting them in her pocket and walked toward the shop. “Unfortunately love, I’m gonna hafta pull an all nighter at the stu’. If I do that and work tomorrow as well I’ll get this weekend free.” A free weekend sounded great to Y/N so no complaints left her lips. “Yeah that’s fine. I’m here H, I’ll call you when I finish.” “Okay love, can’t wait to see yeh this weekend cause I have a surprise jus’ for yeh. Love ya pretty girl.” Y/N’s cheeks got heated at the thought of his surprise. “Okay Har, Love you too.” she opened the door as soon as the conversation ended. Y/N was used to seeing Louise at the front desk waiting for her, but today was different. “Louise? Where are you?” she called out. “Back here!” Y/N maneuvered her way to the back of the shop. Louise stood to greet the guest but with tears in her eyes, Y/N’s heart immediately broke and she pulled Louise into a hug. “Oh my goodness are you okay? Was it Kevin? I told you that butt was no good for you.” Y/N pouted while combing through Louise’s newly red hair. “No it’s not him, it’s Minty. We have to put her down tomorrow since her medication is getting pricey and we barely have enough to feed and take care of all the animals. I’ve called every cruelty free animal shelter and they have no room.” Y/N herself started to ball her eyes out at this news, Minty was Y/N's favorite animal there, of course she treated and loved on all the pets there the same amount, but Minty held a special place in her heart. “Are you sure? No one wants to buy her or anything?” Y/N quickly ran to get her favorite cat, minty, and cuddled her next to Louise. The redhead sighed and went to pet the cat in question "No, I've tried giving her to other shelters, but they don't have space. I tried to give her away for free but when they find out about her condition, they bail." Y/N sighed and placed kisses on the top of the cats head. "Then I'll take her." the redhead shot up "You can't, you know what Harry will say then you'd have to give her back and then she'd get put down the next day." Y/N shook her head, "No that's not going to happen. I'm not letting go of her when I could have done something to stop it. Harry can yell at me and chew me out all he wants because honestly I don't give a damn. Won't let Harry return this cat, if he even thinks about it I'll beat his ass with a  hammer." Louise chuckled at Y/N she may have been quiet and sweet but if you fucked with something she loved, she won't hesitate to release hell upon the one who wronged her. "Well love bird, if you're serious let's get some paper work done." After about forty minutes of paper work, Minty was officially Y/N's. While the redhead locked up shop, Y/N called Niall, "Hey Ni! How are you?" Niall sighed on his end of the line. "You only call me 'Ni' when you do something wrong. What'd you do?" Y/N mentally cursed herself for letting Niall in as a big brother and knowing all of her tells. "You know how I love animals rig-" "Christ Y/N, you didn't. Who am I kidding, fucking huge heart of yours. What happened?" Y/N cooed at the kitten in her lap, "Well, you know Louise and how she has a pet shop? Minty is my favorite cat and they were going to put her down and I couldn't allow it, so I took her home. Harry's going to be pissed I don't know what to say to him." Niall cleared his throat, "With that reason alone Harry wouldn't be upset with you hell, throw some puppy dog eyes and tears? You'd get away with bloody murder." Y/N chuckled knowing he was completely right, "Well we just pulled up to Pet Smart, I'll call you later yeah?" "Okay sweetheart stay safe." Louise and Y/N walked around the store picking out toys, food, bowls, collars, a cute sailor outfit Y/N just couldn't pass up, and finally a bed that felt just right and was made of the right materials because, "Polyester makes her butt itchy. So get something with way more cotton than polyester. While Y/N looked for a bed, Louise started ordering Minty's medication. They got every thing they needed and drove to Y/N and Harry's shared home. After setting a up a small scratching post and letting Minty get used to the house, Y/N decided she held the redhead captive enough and let her go for the night. Once things got settled down, she called Harry. " 'Ello love. I thought yeh said she'd keep it open fo' thirty minutes not two hours." "Yeah, after visiting the pets we came back to the house and watched a movie. Kinda lost lost track of time but at least I called." Y/N decided not to tell him over the phone, this was a matter that had to be discussed face to face. "Ahh I'm glad yeh got a girl's night. Anythin' else?" "Nope, just chillin'." Harry laughed and they continued their conversation until she got tired. Today was the day. Early Saturday morning, she made Harry's favorite breakfast and waiting at the kitchen's island for Harry to walk through the door. As Y/N poured juice for herself, Harry walked into the kitchen. "Goo' morning pretty girl, whatcha up ta?" Y/N smiled and ran into his arms, "I made breakfast come on, let's eat." Halfway through breakfast, Harry felt Y/N's foot rubbing against his ankle. "If ya wanna play footsies jus' ask." Y/N furrowed her eyebrows "I'm not doing anythin'." Harry gave her a face then looked down at his feet. His chewing slowed and his eyes got wide, "Tha fuck!" Y/N's eyes also wided in realization, "H, baby hear me out th-" Harry swallowed his food and looked up at Y/N. "You have negative five seconds to explain the cat at my foot." it's was obvious he was holding back yelling at his girl, the proof in the vains protruding from his neck. She ran over to pick the cat up and bury it in her chest. "H, they were going to put her down today since she was getting expensive and no one would take her. Yell at me call me what ever names you want, I don't care but you aren't taking Minty away from me!" Harry immediately soften at the mention of Minty. Everyday after her vists she would always go on about this particular cat and how happy she made her. Harry saw the love in her eyes every time she talked about her. He sighed and walked toward Y/N and the cat. "Tha's Minty?" the worried girl nodded her head. He looked his lover in the eye before holding his hands out for the kitty. "If she makes yeh that happy, I guess yeh can keep her." Y/N's eyes filled with tears as she jumped and cheered around the kitchen. "You hear that Mint? I can keep you!" After that fiasco, all three cuddled on the couch and watched TV. "Mmm wait, get up fo' a second." Y/N lifted herself off of Harry's lap and watched him walk toward his abandoned bag at the door. "Here.", he placed a smallish rectangular box on her lap. Y/N opened the box to reveal a phone case with a picture of her and Harry as the design. She cooed at the case then leaped up the give Harry a kiss and a hug, "Oh my gosh, thank you thank you thank you! I love it babe!" He smiled into the hug and rubbed her back. " 'm glad yeh do."

the idea of you; peter parker

summary: reader is overly-dramatic about being in love with peter parker and someone has to do something about it.

word count: 3,700 yo 

warnings: the overuse of the name peter parker, an unnecessarily long fic, terrible writing, some swearing, and the fact that i didn’t bother editing this.

a/n: inspired by the song idea of you by mxmtoon! i wrote half of this at midnight and the other half is just me trying to come up with a decent ending. the last part is so rushed i'm sorry. lmk if i need to fix anything or smth. i don’t even know how to write peter parker. this is the first thing i’ve written in a year.

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You stared at the back of Peter Parker’s head as you probably missed really important information about your next biology project. Being in love is so uncomfortable.

Or, at least you think it's love. Maybe? It's been a few weeks and you still don't know.

Peter Parker is a pretty close friend of yours. His heart is gold and you're dirt poor. You don't know why you're considering the idea of loving someone as rare and precious as Peter Parker, you clearly aren't anyone special so just the idea of loving him is a dangerous thing to touch.

But the idea is so appealing that you can't help but lay your hands all over it and you even dare to dream of it. You might be completely wrong about what it's like to love Peter Parker (specifically when he loves you back) but the idea you've made is too golden to not fall in love with. And the real-life Peter Parker? He's just as lovely as your daydreams of him. Far less romantic, though. You've been stuck on the boy for so long now that you can't distinguish whether you're in love with him or the idea of him. It's hard to tell.

A sharp ring of the school bell rips you from your brain and your eyes from Peter Parker’s curly hair. He turns around in his seat and faces you. Smiles at you.

“We’re still going to meet at your place, right?” He shoves his textbook into his bag as he looks up at you. You, him, and Ned were going to have a movie marathon at your house and the boys were going to sleepover since your parents were out for a few days.

You smile back at him. You just smile at him. “Definitely.”

You wish you tried to talk to him more because he immediately swings his backpack on and stands up. “Okay, see ya’ there,” and he runs from the classroom and off to work. Or half-work? I wonder what an internship is. I wonder how I even got into high school, god, I’m stupid-

You sweep your notebook into your bag and head out of the classroom, feeling incredibly immature for wasting and entire class period on your little love-crisis. You also feel immature for telling yourself that it’s Peter Parker, therefore it’s not wasting. With your internal struggle clear on your face, you weave your way towards the school’s exit. Michelle would probably draw you if you were in the detention room.

You’re not in love with Peter Parker, probably.

You and Ned had already managed to finish watching Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith and Star Wars: A New Hope before Peter Parker showed up. Four hours late was a new record, and it was much more disappointing when you both remembered that it wasn’t you guys that set the arrival time to 7:30. Even with 5 hours to do whatever he does every day at his internship, he still managed to show up four hours late. When you finally heard the doorbell at 11:45, Ned had to run to the door before you to make sure you didn’t lock Peter Parker out.

“Four hours, Parker.” You did your best to show you weren't amused by his tardiness. “Are you trying to set a world record?”

“Sorry, sorry.” He peeled off his shoes. “Mr. Stark had to keep me for a while longer, then I lost track of time and-“

“What in the fuck does he need to keep you for? You’re there daily and he’s a billionaire that can easily hire someone else for at least one night.” You stopped yourself from saying anything more. You sounded hurt enough already. You doubted every sweet thing you’ve thought of him. Maybe he was untrustworthy all along. Or maybe he doesn’t like you and Ned anymore.

Peter Parker made eye contact with you and in that moment you realized his eyes were more of a nut-brown than an amber brown, but Ned intervened before anyone could reply. “Guys, c’mon- I brought over the blu-ray for The Force Awakens. Let’s watch it before we get too tired.”

So you told yourself that Peter Parker was lucky, not because you love him but because he’s your friend. It’s not love if he doesn’t try for you anymore. He doesn’t try for Ned, either. Well, maybe he tried but you’re too upset and hurt to think of anything except blaming Peter Parker and telling yourself that you never loved him in the first place.

You let yourself keep the idea of loving him, though. You’d trash it in the morning because it’s meaningless. You still liked to compare his eyes to amber because it sounds better than nuts or chocolate. When you went to sleep with the boys that night, you dreamt of earlier when you said that Rey was cute and Peter Parker said you’re cuter and blushed.

You forgot to forget about the idea of loving Peter Parker. It’s been a week and you invited just him over to work on a project for biology that you desperately needed his help on because you were back to daydreaming about being in love with him during that class.

And now you’re telling yourself that this moment confirms you’re not in love with Peter Parker because it isn’t love when you’re the only one waiting. You’re more hurt than you know when an hour and a half past 5:30 brings Peter Parker to your door. You didn’t think he’d hear you when you muttered “If you think I’m so boring, just say so.” But he did hear you and now you’re in love with the real Peter Parker that told you that you aren’t boring, that he loves spending time with you, that he trusts you, that you mean more to him than you could ever imagine.

You’re also in love with the real Peter Parker that didn’t say I love you (too). You can’t live for very long with just the kiss on your head that he gave you when he made you laugh so hard that you accidentally slammed your head against the wall.

Another week and you’re trying not to love Peter Parker anymore because you know that you’ll be crushed when you realize there’s no chance of him ever saying I love you (too). So you’re going back to fantasies and empty dreams, you’re going back to that one dream you had of him spinning you around your room to the tune of a The 1975 song that you can’t remember now on a loud city evening. There’s a lot to come back to when you’re just in love with the idea of him. When you’re in love with the real Peter Parker, there’s not much to hold on to. It’s a lot more exciting when you do find something to hold on to, like yesterday when he was bored in World History during the movie your teacher played and Peter Parker instead opted to doodle all over your left hand in his favorite blue sharpie (you haven’t tried to wash it all off yet).

And now, Saturday. You have today to yourself and you’re using it to re-watch season four of The Office and text Ned about how great Star Wars: The Last Jedi is going to be, but mostly you’re using it to think about Peter Parker.

No, you tell yourself, I’m only thinking about the idea of him. You go over a little spider doodle with your own blue sharpie, making sure to use the same shade of blue so you don’t completely ruin the drawings on your hand. You try not to remember how his hand felt holding yours and instead you think of an imaginary scenario where Peter Parker writes “I love you too” on your hand instead of “Spider-man!!!”.

Half-distracted, you answer Ned’s text and slyly add btw wheres peter? he hasn't answered me today to the end. You sent Peter Parker a text this morning but there’s been no reply so far.

When Ned reads the text, he doesn’t type an answer. Instead, he tries to call you on FaceTime. You decline it and text him hoe i look gross. He answers, bitch me too, now pick up. Ned calls you again and you accept it.

You’re greeted with the pixellated sight of Peter Parker with a Wii remote in his hand, dancing violently with Katy Perry’s California Gurls playing. Ned’s amused voice comes, “He didn’t charge his phone overnight so it died this morning. He came over to my place and has played this all day.”

You let out a loud laugh. “I hate this because he’s good at it!”

You hear a faint “thanks!” from Peter Parker and you can’t help but think about how he’s actually a pretty good dancer and that’s adorable. It’s getting to be progressively more difficult to be in love with only the idea of him. You have to remind yourself that there’s a near-zero percent chance that he’d ever feel the same way.

“Y/N, dude, you look so crushed right now,” says Ned, and Peter Parker momentarily stops dancing and looks over to Ned with a concerned expression.

“I’m realizing that I’ll never look as hot as Peter when I’m playing Just Dance.” You force a laugh and it sounds real. Peter Parker resumes his dancing with a red face.

“Gross; if you were here, you’d see how sweaty he is.”

“Not many people look hot even when sweating.”

“Ew, I’m hanging up if you call that smelly piece of garbage hot again.”

You are an absolute child. Only a child would worry so much for so long over love. You still don’t know what you’re in love with: your imagination or the reality. You also don’t know why you keep inviting Peter Parker over while you’re having your mid-life crisis.

He sits next to you on your couch as the two of you watch Star Trek. You’re really not watching it, instead you look at the TV as you bury yourself in thought. Only one thing keeps you grounded in reality, and it’s Peter Parker’s arm around you. That’s romantic, right?

You had only recently realized you you were being incredibly immature by only worrying where to direct your love and you had spent no time thinking about any possibility of Peter Parker loving you back. You try not to think about how sure you are that he doesn’t and instead try to give yourself a reason that he does. In case you slip up one day and admit your feelings, he won’t be completely blown away and you’d have something to defend yourself with.

There are a few things you can think of. You don’t know if they’re friendly things or romantic things, but you assume it’s romantic. He’s called you cute, and he’s also called you pretty. He’s kissed your head, and a month ago he kissed your forehead. Both instances were consensual on both ends. He blushes when you compliment him. He’s let you cuddle with him twice. Right now, he has his arm around your shoulders. The only thing that helps you tell if these things could be romantic is the faint memory of a romance novel you read when you were twelve years old.

You scream when you suddenly feel Peter Parker blow in your ear. You snap out of your thoughts and face him. “What was that for?”

“You weren’t answering me!” He defends, but lets you lightly punch his chest.

“Do you need something?” You lean back into the couch and remember his arm is still there, so you pretend to shift in your seat and lean forward.

“I was going to ask you if I could sleepover but if you’re too busy staring at the wall, then never mind.”

“Hey! Just because I’m spaced out, doesn’t mean I don’t want you here,” you say. “I’d love for you to stay overnight. But what about your internship? You’ve been with me all afternoon, are you sure Mr. Stark doesn’t need you?”

“I, uh, took care of my work this morning. That should be enough for at least today, right?” He looks at you as if you knew anything about what he does at the Stark Internship.

“How should I know? I say yes, you’re there every day and you work long hours. He should start paying you three times as much.” You get up from the couch and stretch. “Do you need to grab anything from home?”

“Yeah,” says he. “I’ll be back in ten?”

“Don’t sneak off to Mr. Stark, okay?”

He rolls his eyes at you, but he’s smiling. “Fine.”

And Peter Parker leaves you with the promise of his return in ten minutes. You turn off the Star Trek movie and decide to just leave the TV on a news channel so that you have some background noise. Wandering into the kitchen, you consider if he’d mind leftover spaghetti or if you should just order a pizza. You don’t have a lot of money left but you don’t plan on buying anything big anytime soon so a pizza should be good.

You pick up your phone after a while and call to order a pizza (one large, half pepperoni, half plain cheese, extra sauce) and sit down on the couch. Bored, you look over at the TV and find a burning building with the headline “Spider-man Saves Family from Fire” rolling along the bottom. Hanging up the phone- the pizza would arrive in twenty minutes- you drag your attention over to the news story. Across the screen swings the red and blue spier-themed hero, lowering a small child to the ground from the seventh story of an apartment. Firetrucks are all around and sirens are heard behind the voice of the reporter. Peter Parker was a fan of the hero, which made you take a liking to the person people call Spider-man. You liked that he wasn’t someone like Tony Stark, who you only saw in his Iron Man suit when he was doing something extremely important. Spider-man was like your city’s personal little hero. He took care of the city instead of his ego.

When commercials took over the TV, you turned away and looked at your phone. 9:15. The pizza would be getting cold soon. Peter Parker was late again. Only twenty minutes late so far, but you already knew he’d be at least half an hour late. You sank back into the couch, slouching down and propping your leg up to keep you from sliding right off.

Peter Parker was thirty-three minutes late.

You swing open the door, revealing him in his sleepwear and nothing in his hands but his phone. You glared at him tiredly.

“Ten minutes, huh? You shouldn’t have gotten me so excited.” You cross your arms, then uncrossed them when you started to smell something. “Peter, why do you smell like burning garbage?”

He fiddled with his phone. “Oh, well, um…”


“You weren’t at that big fire, were you?” You remembered the news story and just sputtered out something. “The one with Spider-man? I know you’re secretly in love with him but don’t go near a big fire just to see him-“


“No!” He raised his voice a little, then cleared his throat. “No, I’m not in love with him, I’m just- I just-“

“Ugh,” you stepped out of the doorway to let him in. “You should just take a shower before you stink up the entire building. Next time if you plan on being late, just say you need an hour.”

Peter Parker trudges in and heads straight for your bathroom, quietly closing the door behind him. You sigh and fall back onto the couch.

Peter Parker. He was hard to be in love with. You bet that if you had fallen in love with him last year, it would have been much easier. Ever since his trip to Berlin and this Stark Internship thing, it’s been hard to even be friends with him. You may not know anything about being in love with him, but you know a lot about being his friend and you wouldn’t trade that in for anything. You’re starting to suspect that you really do want to be in love with him, though, and you don’t like it. It’s been making your life way harder than it needs to be. Loving someone that almost never has time for you, obviously keeps secrets from you, and almost never keeps promises isn’t very fun. But you suppose that the daydreams about him was enough to make you love the real him. And maybe the little things that you decided earlier were romantic advances helped too. Or maybe Peter Parker really does just have a heart of gold and you’re desperate to keep him by your side. Thinking about this as a whole is making you doubt what little confirmations you’ve made, now you’re back to the stupid him-versus-the-idea-of-him thing.

Who do you love, Y/N? Do you love Peter Parker or do you love your fantasy of Peter Parker? You need to decide now or it’s going to keep you up at night for another week. You haven’t been sleeping much. If you stayed in your little pretend world, it would be easier to interact with the real Peter Parker, but if you love the real him then you wouldn’t feel as creepy, plus you’d maybe have a chance at being with him.

No, I wouldn’t. He’d never dare feel that way about me. You lean your head back and stare at the ceiling, switching back and forth from thinking about how stupid you feel to thinking about Peter Parker. Eventually you stopped thinking about Peter Parker for a while and just thought about how you could be doing something productive with your life right now but instead you spend your time worrying about a boy in the dumbest way possible. Not that love wasn’t something to worry about, but maybe you could have used the time that you wasted on your own dilemma to study or even just think about something more important. Maybe think about why Peter Parker has been being distant. Or maybe even think about college, anything but your stupid problem with love-

You scream when Peter Parker slams the door open loudly, jumping out of your seat and falling to the floor in panic. He slowly shuts the door being him with a guilty look on his face.

“Uh… sorry.” He placed his phone on the couch and sat next to you on the ground.

You shoved him lightly. “My gosh, I don’t care what you do to your house, but try not to break my doors.”

“Sorry, sorry, I’m just in a good mood and I, I guess I got excited.” He waved his hands around. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.” You shrugged and got up, sitting back down on the couch. “Well, now that you’re here and you don’t smell gross anymore, I have a movie that I want to watch and therefore you need to watch it, too. I hope you didn’t eat yet because I ordered pizza for us.”

You tried not to look at Peter Parker as he slept because that would be incredibly creepy of you. He really is adorable, though.

Sighing, you turn over in your bed. Peter Parker is an amazing friend, a hard worker, a pure soul, and you might as well accept that you’re in love with him.

“Uh, Y/N?”

You scream again, shooting up in your bed. Your head snaps over to Peter Parker. “You fucker, I thought you were asleep!”

“Is it true?” He asks. You blink very slowly at him.

“Is what true?” Then your heart drops. “Oh my god. Did I say that out loud?”

“Please tell me if it’s true.” He sits up in the sleeping bag you gave him, nut brown eyes staring up at you. You’ve gotten used to saying nut brown instead of amber. The moonlight coming through your window makes him look especially soft and childish.

It feels like your heart is seizing and beating way too fast at the same time. “You- I, why do I need to say it? I mean, you, you heard- if I thought you were asleep, then why would I lie out loud?”

Peter Parker fucking gets up and sits next to you on your bed. You slide away, but he follows you. He never once breaks eye contact, an impressive feat considering the situation.

“Y/N.” He’s too close to you. You don’t want to breathe. “Tell me, please.”

Well, Y/N, too damn late to go back now. Your brain and heart are screaming bloody murder as you finally give him his answer, “Yes. It’s- It’s true.”

Peter Parker gives you the brightest smile you’ve ever seen. You’ve only seen him this happy when he told you he got to meet Tony Stark.

“Can I- Can I kiss you?” He asks excitedly. You blush and start to sputter.

“Wait, no- no! I don’t mean no, but- you, um, what?” You try to correct yourself before he speaks again. “You… You didn’t say it back!”

Oh my god, Y/N, stop losing your shit is all you can hear in your head but Peter Parker grins even wider. He leans in fast and presses his lips to yours. It’s weird and exhilarating, your chins bump together and you both awkwardly try to hold hands, lips fumbling just as much as your fingers were. When he pulls back, he looks into your eyes with emotions so intense you wanted to turn away in disbelief. Again, he grins, unable to hide his joy. Slowly, your brain quiets down and lets you enjoy this moment, and you’re glad that it does because the next think Peter Parker says is something you’ll remember for the rest of your life and then more.

“I love you too.”