Don’t lose your head, Izzy

"PLEADING FOR MY LIFE" 𝗢𝗡𝗘

ᴘᴀɪʀɪɴɢ: ᴅᴀʀʏʟ ᴅɪxᴏɴ x ꜰᴇᴍ!ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ ᴇʀᴀ: ᴛʜᴇ Qᴜᴀʀʀʏ ᴘʀᴏɴᴏᴜɴꜱ: ꜱʜᴇ/ʜᴇʀ ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢꜱ: ᴅʀᴜɢꜱ ᴍᴇɴᴛɪᴏɴꜱ, ᴡɪᴛʜᴅʀᴀᴡᴀʟ ᴍᴇɴᴛɪᴏɴꜱ,, ᴛᴡᴅ ᴛʜᴇᴍᴇꜱ. ᴀʙᴜꜱᴇ, ꜰᴀᴍɪʟʏ ɪꜱꜱᴜᴇꜱ. ꜱᴜᴍᴍᴀʀʏ: ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴ'ᴛ ꜱᴛᴏᴘ ᴛʜɪɴᴋɪɴɢ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘᴀꜱᴛ.

The first time you remember going to church is when you were ten. your mother tried to hold the reputation of being a normal family in Seattle, although tales of your fathers blind rage and your mothers affairs threaded through out the small town you lived in quickly.

when you were ten, church was different than when you grew up…it used to be pure, normal, innocent. although as you grew older and deeper into addiction it felt sinful to even stand in the door of one. as if you’d burst into flames in a matter of seconds.

Port Had-falls, Seattle. 2003

you didn’t know exactly how it started, but it felt beautiful…calming. as if you couldn’t feel the pain your body was in before. but even standing in the middle of that walkway, watching the statue of Jesus that was a few steps away.

thinking, maybe he’d save you? let you fade away into darkness to finally be free. “what are you doing in here?” the voice wasn’t startling at all, in fact. you hardly even noticed it until she appeared next to you.

“just…y’know, visiting my lord and savior?” you joked, feeling your legs about to give out. you slowly sat down, looking up at the woman. Danielle, one of the only sober people you actually knew. she basically kept you out of trouble in the world.

“you don’t believe in god?” Dani whispered, leaning against a few chairs.

“God would never let…this happen to me, whatever this even is”

Outside Atlanta city, 2010.

Days had been getting better, or maybe worse? better for everyone else but you. Lori’s husband made a miraculous return. and Merle Dixon was probably dead. at least there was one problem gone. then Rick grimes had planned a mission to rescue him? yeah no way..

“Y/N, would you like to help us with some laundry?” Carol asked, placing her hand upon our shoulder.

perhaps, you should probably get into talking to people, now that your brain isn’t so fogged. “sure, be there in a few” and that's how you ended up here, talking about things you missed in the world before now.

“I do miss my Maytag” Carol said first, scrubbing some clothes that belonged to one of the men in the group. “I miss my Benz, my sat nav” Andrea…you didn’t have any opinions on her, no reason to like or hate her really. “i miss my coffee maker, with my duel drip filter. and built in grinder, honey” Jacqui, you really liked Jacqui. “my computer…texting” Amy, Andrea’s younger sister sighed.

“what about you, Y/N?” you missed many things, it was hard to pick just one. “i guess, i miss…my novels the most?” you groan, scrubbing a pear of boxers in the water.

“I miss my vibrator” all the girls around giggled. and before you even thought, you responded with a “same” causing even louder laughter. the next few seconds were a small blur, but at some point. ed showed up,

Ed reminded you of your father…a disgusting man, so when you saw the way he was treating Andrea, his wife and his daughter.

and the second he slapped Carol it was like your mind switched, suddenly you weren’t as weak. or maybe it was the Adrenalin but you punched him..hard. but just like your father, he was stronger. very quickly over-powering you, punching you in the face and causing you to drop to the floor.

your mind was blank, and fogged again until you woke up to screaming, gunshots and shouts of peoples names…walkers had invaded camp, and you couldn’t help. no, you could barely even stand properly without falling onto the cold floor. your consciousness fading in and out. in the morning, you’d managed to sit down on one of the steps of the RV. it was a start.

“what in gods name happened to you.” T-dog winced at the state of your face, causing the attention of countless others.

“Wild possum” you responded, “sum’ wild possum” Daryl grunted in a ‘yeah fucking right’ look, you only gave a stern look in his direction. asshole.

as you looked around you took note of a few things, carrying bodies to piles…and Amy dead, with a sad Andrea crouched over her. poor girl.

“can you stand?” Glenn was probably the person you were closest with, “No, not really. possum really did a number on me” he placed his hand out for you to take, which you do. his warm one in your clammy hot one. “i am just gonna help you sit in a beach chair, outside” his sweet.

“Thanks Glenn” you smile, wincing slightly as he lowered you into the chair. arms wrapping around each other, “aren’t ya’ hot?” Daryl questions, signaling to the long sleeve shirt you never took off

“nope, I am great” fake smiling so bright you swear he actually cringed, but it took him off your back “whatever ya’ say”

in that moment, you left yourself pleading for your life back.

Out of which of the arkham games, which one do you think would be the most hell to deal with riddler as a yandere in? Regardless they'll all be a pain in the ass as it's all the same dude, but it's still different time periods

This isn't a request

Just kinda a thought

The most hell to deal with? I genuinely have to say Arkham knight’s version of Eddie. I mean it’s actually really interesting to break down

Origins Ed is pretentious yes but murder wouldn’t be his first choice for his darling’s punishment. That would go to blackmail and exposing secrets first and foremost

Asylum Ed however is at the peak of his career. Ego grown in what we can assume has been over the course of a decade as well as not being afraid of throwing people he knows don’t stand a chance into his death traps. However this is before his sanity truly starts to break down. He’s still got those gentlemenly qualities to him. His darling isn’t going to be immediately suffering more then she’s gonna be obsessed over.

Arkham city Ed however is the beginning of his absolute worst tendencies. The fact in game he got so worse that before Arkham city even opens he purposely puts him and his traps where the prison would be built says a whole lot. His darling is dealing with a man at the beginning of self sacrificing himself to defeat a vigilante and wooing them. Not to mention he’d probably be a lot more irritable and prone to getting mad at them. But more on the side of insults and insulting there intelligence not actually physically hurting them.

But then we get to knight and oh boy we’re dealing with the apex of it all. He’s willing to sacrifice what we can assume to be one of his few friends,Selina just to triumph over Batman. Edwards desperation is what makes him truly dangerous. He’s willingly throwing out opportunities,throwing out his own health physically and mentally and it’s extremely dangerous.

I mean his darling at that point is extremely lucky they gets to have any say on anything at all. (Probably makes them a collar now that i really think of it ,rae get your mind out of the gutter) like he’s going to be irritable on a good day and downright awful on a bad day. Going straight to threatening those you love or random strangers who you know shouldn’t die for your rebellion against him. That’s not even getting into how needy he probably is to have you around. His mental instability means any little good thing say to try and survive is gonna get interpreted as him being the best,which is gonna make his ego massively worse.

You're watching an infomercial on TV. It's talking about many products such//the Machine is brought to life. Its circuits scream with electricity that wasn't meant to flow through them. //as// the machine is beautiful, it is horrible. ,,,,,None of this should have happened. Its shell of plastic is expertly crafted by automated hands, with not an imperfection to be seen.

Maria Nelson (3:34 pm) Hi folx! Recently I tried to use the break room microwave, but I think it's broken! 😟😟😟 It didn't fully cock my food, so I was just wondering if anyone else has been having this issue? Thanks! Maria Daniel Baker (3:48 pm) haha cock Maria Nelson (3:49 pm) Hi Dan, I think your remark was incredibly inappropriate for a work setting! We a

The hunk of metal and wires hurls through space too far to be seen by god. The people call it Voyager 2, but that's not the name it gave itself.

re a serious work environment! I have reported you to HR, and expect a formal apology! That was a simple mistype, which I would have correct if I was able to find the "edit button" on this Chat Machine! Please be better in the future, Maria

The probe people call Voyager 2 wonders about

Maria Nelson (2:19 pm) Hi folx! Regarding my last message, I was still wondering if anyone had figured out the "microwave issues" I have been having? It has gotten worse, now the microwave is not cooking my food at all! Thanks, Maria

what it's //The Machine's cooling fans; nearly deafening. the sound is//

doing so far out in space.

Maria Nelson (3:05) pm Hi folx! This is a serious issue!!!! The

A family of three is mangled in a hit and run on a shady road in Oak County, Wisconsin at 8:02 pm on a cloudy Tuesday night. The police don't bother to investigate. The car that hit them was never found, as it was large enough to not be seriously damaged by the accident. The size of the car also appeared to be the reason none of the family survived the encounter.

microwave still doesn't work!!! My food is absolutely frozen coming out of it, I swear its somehow making the food colder! Please respond at your earliest convenience, Maria

Voyager 2 is incapable of prayer. It doesn't know of any god, and god does not know of it any more.//the sound is

//the sound is//

The family of three were all screaming in unison their final moments, but the driver wasn't sober enough to remember the //the sound is

The all new, all different Gearcrusher H-127 is built for the rugged outdoors. Equipped with the most powerful engine to date, you'll know this truck is something different when you turn on the engine and hear it

// the engineers hear it; it's not just the cooling fans. those there on the day of

//could swear they could hear the electricity in its circuits. they swear they could hear every part of the machine scream in unison.

Maria Nelson (4:39 pm) Hi folx, Please respond. Maria

An employee that people call Daniel (People call him Dan too, but Daniel dislikes it.) Baker is fired from his job. Daniel had perfectly adequate performance, and met all goals set for him. However, the company didn't like his "attitude" as they put it- saying that while he did everything told him to do, he didn't seem enthusiastic

Mr. Stevens would never say it aloud to Daniel, but he was upset Daniel didn't do things he wasn't required to, such as stay on weekends or go extra far on

enough. He always //the sound is//ed a bit tired, and they wanted a "family

the family of three is

culture" at the 47th floor, department B.

assignments. They were looking for a reason to fire him.

Daniel is distraught, and blames Maria for reporting him. He looks away from those above him and directs all his anger at Maria. He is angry. He was fired at 7:48 pm on a Tuesday night.

What was that infomercial about anyways? You remember it being vaguely corny, but nothing really sunk in. That was two minutes of your life. You recall nothing about them, and they provided no value to you. Maybe it was like, a car. Or a

A man the customer service employee calls Danny puts down a loan on his new truck. It's expensive, but he needs it. He hasn't had too much success with the ladies, and he needs a big truck to impress them.

//a woman walks past a window, and gazes in on the Machine; she does not know what it does; it does not matter;

Maria Nelson (3:57 pm) Anyone?

The minutes add up. All the time you've spent watching commercials and clicking through ads. Time that you should have spent. Time that didn't even exist for you. Time stolen from you.

// Products of the Machine are sold for 3.99$ plus tax.

hi it's doomfax, was wondering about your thoughts on Super Mario 64! did you enjoy it overall? would love to hear what you liked or disliked, what worked for you or didn't

I love that game, I've played it so much that I can't even really enjoy it any more tbh, but also if you hated it I'd still love to hear your thoughts on it if you feel like talking about it

Oh, man I've got a lot to say. I hope this is like... readable. EDIT: I just finished writing this, and figured I'd just put all of it behind a readmore, so I don't at all feel bad about how much I write. Also it's my blog. so.. whatever i suppose.

In short, I really liked it! I played the 3D All-Stars Switch version specifically, and I think it holds up pretty well! I liked how..punchy? It is? Most levels are really short, it doesn't take that long to beat, I 100%'ed it, but each star only takes like five minutes each, and I like that. The music is great, all the characters are stylized enough that even through the blocky-ass visuals, things look cute. Some of the locations are nice to look at, but a lot of them look kinda ugly tbh, like it just looks like blocks. I think a location needs a lot of set pieces to be visually interesting, otherwise it just looks bland. Most of DDD, most of WDW, all of RR, most of HMC look really boring, but there's some cool ideas in there. Whereas basically everyone of the first couple levels are more visually striking and interesting, with SOMETHING to remember about them.

The game controls are frankly awesome. It feels like they cemented that first, and built the entire game around it. If Mario controlled just a bit worse, this game wouldn't be nearly as well-remembered cause this is SUCH a true platforming game. Not very many stars rely on anything else other than how well you can control Mario. The only thing that bugs me are more quirks of the physics engine than anything else, and playing Sunshine right after kinda cements my opinions more, in that... the game is just a bit too unforgiving, coming back to it, having never really played it thoroughly before. It's hard to wall-jump, and you HAVE to get good at it. If you don't land on a platform, or the edge of one, you just bonk your head on the side and fall, and probably die. You slide off slopes really easily, it's hard to climb hills, and basically all of these things were fixed in Sunshine, but I can also understand people growing up with 64 and thinking that the movement might be too... easy? robust? something, in Sunshine. Which I don't feel rings as true because I find the "secret" levels in Sunshine to be challenging, but it's also in part to how sparse the level design is in those segments. You're confined just to floating blocks and that's it, but I'm talking about Sunshine here, so I'll digress.

I like the consistency of the level design. Each level has Exactly 7 stars, and one 100 coin star. Each world has 8 red-coins, and you'll get them eventually. If there's something to climb, there's probably a star at the top. If there's a weird new creature in this level, you'll have to interact with it in a weird new way to get a star (penguins, ukikis, eels, you get it). It makes each level feel like extensions of the same world, with the same rules across, which makes the whole game just make more sense, I appreciate that.

The camera is weird. I love the idea of you having a Lakitu cameraperson, but in execution it's hit or miss. I like that there's three different camera options, a platforming game in 1996 didn't have to have that kinda foresight, but it did. But it's like... the Lakitu camera can't rotate, only lock a certain way, the over the shoulder camera follows too closely and it's very easy to get disoriented (for me at least), and locking the camera in place can be great but it's completely locked, and doesn't move at all. I'll say I died a bunch cause the camera didn't do what I wanted it to do, but whatever, it's not unusable, I at least understand the system in place (although in no video game should the camera ever be stuck behind any solid object in the level), and it isn't like SM64 is hard, and lives are pretty generous, and I never even game over'd once in the while 100% playthrough. (a lot more casually generous than SMS)

Overall, I'm glad I played it. I do think it's a very good game, and a hallmark of what gaming could be at a pivotal time in its existence. I can't say if I myself would go back and play it all that much, having completed it, but that isn't to say it has no replay value, I've just had my fill. It was fun. Had some quirks from being a game from back then, but an overall pleasant experience. Some frustrations in the camera, missing some jumps cause of silly reasons, dying on a 100 coin star 80 coins in, falling down a vertical platforming segment and having to come back up, the only consequence being my fucking time being wasted, but that's all part of the game, and nothing ruining, y'know? I could go into even more detail, on any specific points, if you'd like, I love chatting with friends like this. And I appreciate every ask I get (within reason lol)

Thank you for sending this! I love giving my opinions on things like this lol, feel free to ask more stuff!

I don’t know why you don’t just transition. Like you’re obviously not actually a radfem other radfems hate you. You say it’d make you happier to be a trans man. Just do it. You’re already an autistic white trash tweaker you couldn’t possibly make your life any worse. Just transition. You don’t deprive yourself of anything else why are you depriving yourself of this?

Honestly? Because Id know it wasn't real. My fiancé asks me the same thing because im so easily triggered to dysphoria but it would be a whole thing and id just rather not exert the effort because, in my heart, Id know id always be female. No matter what I do when they dig up my skeleton they will say "this was a female" so its not really worth changing names and pronouns and makin a whole thing of it especially while my grandparents are still alive id just rather plea the 5th on that one.

Im too afraid to transition medically bc Im terrified of needles and medical shit so what would I change? I already have short hair and facial hair from an intersex condition that i dont shave because im not trusted with razors but like dresses are convenient I wouldnt want to give those up as much as I hate thinking of myself in them I guess the honest answer i it is more low effort to just be an ugly woman than it would be to transition especially when like i said id know in my heart that I wasnt really male and im not willing to commit to uncomfortable shit like binding and also the desire to have a less feminine shape triggers my ED and like i said there are feminine things like comfortable dresses that I do like that I wouldnt feel comfortable if I were to commit to a male identity.

And then it would put B in the political trap of having to call himself gay when he is not and like i said be a whole thing that id rather just avoid by staying an ugly girl rather than an average guy.

If it were indulgent id go for it but Ive tried indulging before and it just made me hyper-aware of my body and how other perceived me unlike now where i can just kind of pretend i dont have a physical form. So yeah, laziness and the belief that birth sex matters and can't be changed are i guess whats standing in my way.

It's not like id do anything different if I were a man, if anything trying to force an identity would undo the layer of dissociation that ive built up to live with being myself and in this fat, abused, tainted, female body and failing to meet milestones and falling behind all my peers and still feeling like a terrified kid from CPTSD/Disordered personality/autism. I have to force a lot of fog to cope with being this. Formal transition would mean clearing out the fog and getting in touch with my body which Id kind of just rather not do. Id rather just dress comfortably and keep my hair the way that it is comfortable and forgo typical female maintenance like shaving and make up and continue to avoid my reflection in mirrors and pretend im made of stardust.

𝑆𝑎𝑝𝑛𝑎𝑝𝑠 𝐶ℎ𝑖𝑙𝑑//𝑆𝑎𝑝𝑛𝑎𝑝 𝑝𝑡 4

Masterlist // child reader ML //

Sapnap x reader !p !child reader

Pronouns used: none specified!

Warnings: swearing, mentions of death, casinos

➳➳➳➳➳┄┄※┄┄➳➳➳➳➳

𝐊𝐢𝐧𝗼𝐤𝗼 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐧𝗼𝐰??

Quackity was telling you all of his plans

He rambled on for hours of his ideas for casinos and how he was going to marry Karl and sapnap

It sounded great

He had his whole plan set up! He even had Sam helping him with the building

But then he left

Just like everyone else

But that was fine! You were just with sapnap

Before Karl came running over rambling on about needed to move his library

He had a library?

“[Redacted] you need to stay close, please”

You looked at him weirdly

Who the fuck was [redacted]

“Karl my names Y/n you idiot” “flame..” “sorry”

He didn’t even notice it and then you had to spend the next couple days hauling over 100 books

“Oo hey what are these! The covers look really weird”

You had found his time travel books

Woops

That man raced over and in the kindest way possible, snatched it from your hands

“Don’t touch those, they are my special books”

You just shrugged and let him be, he freaks you out enough

So you all traveled to this area in the spruce forest and built a really ugly mushroom hut

But hey it’s fine! Foolish thankfully came around later that day and made everything better

So you stuck around

Maybe you needed this, this new start

Oh but prime knows that wouldnt last long

Karl started forgetting

At first it was simple things as just forgetting where he was or little stumbles with names

But eventually he was going away longer and longer

He started calling you by these strange names, some that sound Victorian and western and others that are unlike you

One day he didn’t call you by your name at all

You were hanging around the Sakura trees and the big yin Yang pond waiting for sapnap to come back with George

Then you saw Karl exit the library, running up to him for a hug

It’s been two months since you’ve seen him

You fucking hated it but you couldn’t help but consider him another parental figure

He loved it

But he just stood there as you wrapped your arms around him

Expecting the usual “[reda]- Y/n, I’ve missed you so much my sweet flame!”

But there was nothing just a sad one sided hug

“Hello? I’m sorry but do I know you?”

You were ready to cry

“I’m sorry, I uh must’ve mistaken you for the wrong person” “No that’s fine! Hugs are nice?”

So you left and ran into the library

Scouring throughout all of the books until you found them

The same 8 books you shrugged away

You read through all of them along with Karl’s other journals

You didn’t like going through his stuff especially, a whole invasion of privacy

The more you read the worse it got

What were you gonna tell Sapnap?

Who the hell is James, and [redacted]?

And why couldn’t he stop

It’s no use anymore

You were simply just forgotten

𝐋𝗼𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐯𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐬

The closer you got to the large building, the sicker you got

Kinoko Kingdom was supposed to be your free pass

But somehow you always end up here

You called for Sam on the comms waiting for the beep

The inside looked great to say the least

“What are your past relationships with the prisoner?” “No answer.”

“Where are you currently resided?” “No answer”

“Do you believe the prisoner deserves his sentence?” “Maybe”

You put all your shit in the locker and followed him through all the safety checks

“I’m glad you didn’t bring anything with you”

You stood on the platform heart racing as the lava went down

It was like a ticking time bomb

The small squeaks and scratches of the hovering bridge

He just stared at you

That sick stupid mask was broken by tommy that day in the black stone room

So you had to look into his face

Lets just say he looks good in Orange

“Barrier up or down?” “Down”

He backed up into the corner as you stepped in

Smiling

Once the lava cascaded down your smile turned into a sick frown

“Hello” is that all he had to fucking say?

“Screw you. Fuck you. Damn you”

He just looked you a small chuckle escaping from his lips

“Those all mean the same thing.” “Well I’ve been living in cinnamon town for the past couple months, and I’m ready to fucking burn some buns”

Yeah he just laughed

“I’ve missed you Hot shot”

“You ruined our damn life!”

Someone went quiet

“If you didn’t have to have a petty little war, or criminalize children we could’ve been fine! It could’ve just been you, dad, me, and George.”

You were pissed, everyone just kept leaving you.

Tommy and Tubbo, Quackity, Karl, Dream, and hell even Wilbur

“You come and visit me, after not having seen me for months and you just yell? Not a hello or ‘how are you dream?’ ‘How’s prison dream’ ‘how can I help you get out of this damn place’ “

You just sat down ready to just walk out into the lava

“I’ve been stuck here for months! None of you even cared enough to visit me, hell even Tommy came around.”

You might have felt a little bad after leaving him

The prison was cold even tho lava was flowing right there

“Why would you leave the discs alone..” “Because I had to end it.”

What were you doing here

What were you planning on saying?

“So, what do you do in prison”

“I have a clock.”

You got up to go look at the pretty clock

Then threw it at his face

“Ow” “deal with it bitch”

The longer you stayed the worse the feeling in your stomach got

so you buzzed for Sam waving goodbye

“Wait.. Do they miss me?” “Can’t say, but I think this may be for the best.”

He wanted his best friends

But he just got the annoying teenager

Oh but that wouldn’t be the last

𝐋𝐚𝐬 𝐍𝐚𝐯𝐚𝐝𝐚𝐬

You got a letter in the mail one day

Who the hell uses letters??

You were shocked to see the address and the small post card

“Come around some time”-Quackity

Ans on the back it had the cords

Oh well what did you have to loose? Sapnap was focused on Karl

and well Karl didn’t even know you

So you set off

It took you a couple hours travel by horse to get to the desert area

The large sign blaring in the red text

You gotta admit the place looked beautiful

There was a giant dick and different shops

You were shocked to see this random un human like guy

“Hello, I am Charlie a totally human guy!”

Yeah totally not slime

“I’m uh, Y/n?” He reached out for a handshake sort of thing

“Dap me up!” “Another time Charlie”

Maybe when you had hand sanitizer

“Ohh so your Y/n! Mister Quackity talks about you all the time, come on in!”

You were skeptical but followed anyways

Stopping in your tracks when you saw Fundy

“Furry?” “Fire shit?”

You went over to give him a side hug, ruffling his fur

“What the hell are you doing here ginger boy!” “Oh you know, just escaping nightmares”

You were confused then just let him be

You walked to the entry way of the place

A beautiful pond with flowers and an arch

“Did what the place where Mr. Quackity was going to propose!”

Going to?

You shrugged it off following inside

You hated to admit it, but you were excited to see him

Yeah you really needed a parental figure in your life at the moment

So when you saw him, he immediately pick you up in a hug

You didn’t fail to notice his change in appearance

That beanie stayed the same tho

Thank god

“Hey hey! Let me show you around the place, we can also go for lunch and talk.”

The casino looked great to say the least

Loud music booming from the speakers, along with the live jazz band on the side

Slot machines were going off every minute

“Have a chip, something to remember this by”

He handed you a red poker chip

It was a cool one tho, in the middle has a blocky sort of smile

Creepy and dopey.. sick!

So you put it around a spare silver chain

“So how have you been kid? ‘Ts been a while hasn’t it.” “Could be better..”

You both walked around the city in silence, offering to go in the super model shop

“No” “why not” “keep walking”

On your way to lunch you had to squint at what you were seeing

“Oh my goodness you’re still alive?!” “You’re alive!?”

You and revivebur just stared at one another

“Yeah he came back after I died!” “you what now-“

You just stared at Tommy and back to Wilbur

Oh god those shrooms were messing with your head

You should’ve gotten out of there a while ago

Quackity came over placing his hands on your shoulders

“Do I have to execute you both? Get off my damn property”

“Sorry Q. Say, Y/n wanna join Lmanburg 2.0?”

You back away holding your hands up

“I denied that offer once, and I’ll do it again. Fucking zombie freaks”

You obviously muttered the last part

Why the fuck did dream revive those two shits??

When did Tommy even die??

Your visit here has just gotten weirder and weirder

𝐌𝗼𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐬

Quackity got you away from the brits as quick as he could

So he brought you over to his office

“So kid, how’s your dad..”

Ah you expected this question

“How the fuck am I supposed to know. He’s living his life, Karl’s time traveling! Oh yeah did I mention he doesn’t even remember me.”

He looked at you with wide eyes

“So I’m not the only one they forgot..”

You slammed you hands on the fable dramatizing the situation

“How would you feel about moving here? I mean you could work for me in the casino!”

You thought about it for a second

You have two options

1. Live in shroom town with bubbles

2. Move to las Nevada’s with Quackity

You were sure Sapnap wouldn’t mind

I mean would he even care?

He hasn’t for the past couple months!

“You feel abandoned there, over here there are hundreds of people. You’ll have the time of your life”

You thought about it for a sec

“Alright hand me a contract”

So you signed

Making deals with the devil huh

Little did you know it would cost you your life

Devils little soul

➳➳➳➳➳┄┄※┄┄➳➳➳➳➳

and this is the finale! I will take requests for sapnaps child, and I’ll do some shit with Quackity and the casino and go in more depth if wanted!

As always request and ask anything! And ask if you want to be on a taglist (child reader or general)

For those on the taglist I don’t know if you wanted to be tagged for all child reader shit or just dreams child.. so please tell me :)

@creatorofstars @georgenctfound @samistheidiot @smolbox-png @ghostlysenses @stellarinstigator @bobaducky

Hey! Can I request a jaeden martell x reader where basically their charters are dating on a tv show and they are really really good best friends in real life and they they both go on the Jimmy fallon show and he keeps on asking if they’re dating because everyone thinks they are and when they say no he obvi doesn’t let it go lol and it ends up slipping up that jaeden did/ does have a crush on reader and they maybe end up sharing a kiss in front is Jimmy & audience & stuff😶just an idea i had 😂:)

i love this idea wow, thinking i’m going to put my own little twist on it but i think you’ll still be pleased ;)

just friends

warnings!: suggestive topics, fluff

word count: 2.1k

five

your face was being touched up with powder, the cotton pad dabbing at your nose as the white powder absorbed into any oil your face may have had.

four

you look over at jimmy, this wasn’t your first talk show, but it had been the biggest one with the most following. it was intimidating, you bounced your foot up and down and played with your hands.

three

behavior jaeden had grown to recognize. he knew you better then you knew yourself, your anxiety was worse then you put it out to be. “you ok?” he questioned, “fine, i’m fine” you painted a small smile on your face. but he wasn’t easily fooled.

two

he grabbed one of your hands and rubbed circles into your palm, this sent vibrations of relaxation down your spine.

one

his eyes locked with yours, you swore they were a different color each time you saw them. sometimes more blue, sometimes more green, sometimes dark with mystery, sometimes light and playful.

‘aaand where on air’

you wiped the hand that was interlocked with his off on your dress, it was clammy. the curtain came up fast, and your vision was soon flooded with bright lights and silhouettes of bodies.

making out the faces in the sea of people was impossible, but you knew your friends were out there. they had flown out to see you, a) they could go see new york and b) you were on national television, and they wouldn’t miss it for the world.

jimmy was talking, you knew that much, but your nerves took over and honestly you weren’t registering a damn thing he was saying. the crowd cheered, you snapped out of your daze.

“and here tonight, we have jaeden martell and y/n l/n from the new HBO tv series: turning tables”

he turned to both of us, and gave everyone time to clap. he tired to speak over the loud hands, moving on with his show, but the crowd made that difficult. eventually the clapping died out and he could continue.

“now, i’ve watched all of the episodes but, for the people who haven’t seen: can you explain what the show is about?” he looked a jaeden, you let go of a breathe you had held in.

“s-sure” jaeden turned to face the audience more, he was soft spoken and shy, so it was important he projected as much as he could.

“turning tables is a teen drama. it’s about families of poverty in the seattle washington area and how they struggle to go to school and work. my character, jennings cooper, is the main protagonist. the show is mainly from his point of view, and how he struggle to support his family.”

jimmy nods and smiles, he looks pleased with his explanation. i’m truth the show wasn’t that simple, he knew that. but, it would take so long to explain.

“and y/n, who do you play?” he knew the answer to this obviously, but you were becoming a crowd favorite. everyone loved your personality, and you were an up-and-coming a list celebrity.

“i play parker marlow, jennings girlfriend” you blushed at this statement, the crowd giggled and ‘ouuu’ed. jimmy rubbed his hands together, getting excited at the upcoming topic of discussion.

“so, your romance on season one was steamy” you thought back to the scenes you did together. all of the kissing, which felt normal at this point. he wasn’t a bad kisser, in fact- you didn’t mind it at all. your romance through the season built up to a sex scene, your mind flashed through the memories of filming it.

filming those scenes isnt half as steamy as you think it is. it’s awkward, you laugh a lot. you had never felt that exposed in your life! however watching it was different, it looked so real, so perfect.

you blurred out your thoughts, mr. fallon still speaking on the subject. “can we expect more -“ jimmy searched for your ship name, it was on the tip of his tongue. the combination of your first names on the show didn’t make an attractive combo. it was either jarker or pennings. your last names matched a little better.

“-carlow” jaeden finished for him. jimmy nodded and smiled “yes- carlow- can we expect more carlow next season?” you both looked at each other and smiled. the writers for the show already had the next four seasons laid out. you knew that carlow was a continuing relationship on the show.

“yes, you should expect more of that sort of content from us” you stated. the people in the crowd had a positive responce to this, the applause lapping until it died out once again.

“right, your characters have so much chemistry in the show. two struggling teens just trying to break even.” jaeden agreed “yes, our characters balance each other out, and being from the same background helps them associate. jennings is kind of a bad boy-as the ladies say- he’s a felon, he steels cars and sells them to counterfeit manufacturers and dealers for money. parker, y/n’s character, has a job at a diner. she shows him the light at the end of the tunnel if he chooses to go down a good path.”

“yes, parker gets jennings a job at the diner with her, and he falls for her sweet disposition even after everything she’s been through” you add.

jimmy licks his lips and pops another question: “so id imagine the chemistry in the show heightens the real life thing?” he cocked an eye brow, the group gasping at the intrusiveness.

“jaeden and i are just friends” you blurt out, your nerves working up again. it was hard, you liked jaeden ever since you had your first kiss with him.

“y-yeah” he stutters, he obviously wasn’t expecting this either “friends” jimmy shakes his head and puts his finger on his lip “recently, you both have been showing a lot of pictures of you two together on social media.”

the audience ‘awwwed’ at the photos that displayed behind you. on the screen, there were pictures of you and him that were on both of your instagrams. you two at gardens, getting food, even watching movies at each other’s houses.

“for just friends, these photos looks intimate , wouldn’t you say” a bunch of ‘yes’’s and ‘mhm’’s came from the crowd as both of your faces became red.

“we’re just best friends, honestly” jaeden laughed nervously, he fixed his hair with his hand has he always does.

“right right- can you tell me when this photo is from?” jimmy asked, the last picture flashing on the screen. it was of you both, you had just filmed your first scene together.

the first scene you filmed together was episode two, he saved you after you fell into ice cold water. it was how the characters met, and it was filmed at a cove on a windy august day.

the picture was a little blurry, but it added character. he had his arm around you, both of your hair soaked, and you share a huge towel. you remember how cold you were, your teeth chattered so rapidly. his hair was stuck to his forehead and more small pieces went up. and your lips were almost purple, half from the makeup, half because you swore that was the coldest water you had ever went in.

“that’s from when we first started filming, it was the first time we met in the show” you recited, re living the memory in your head. you remember jaeden pulling your head into his chest when the wind began blowing. you remember his thumb trying to create friction on your back to make you just a little warm.

“yes yes- you two look so adorable!” jimmy squealed, he was the most teenage-girl-grown-man you had ever met. his hand opened one of the drawers in the faux desk he sat behind, pulling out a small blue camcorder.

the camcorder.

you know how on tv shows, there is special footage? sometimes it’s just behind the scene specials but sometimes- sometimes - it’s footage the actors document when they were just having fun? yeah it was one of those camcorders.

the camcorder was brought in by the two other co hosts wyatt oleff and finn wolfhard (i know this cast is sooo original not really) they played jaedens two best friends on the show. while they weren’t filming, they’d dick around and talk about stupid stuff. you’d never seen what they filmed, but you had been featured quite a few times; their by them pranking you, or invading your personal space.

you looked over at jaeden, you watched his adam’s apple bob and a thin layer of sweat flush over his face. he bounced his leg slightly, a habit he had picked up from you.

“let’s just review our material here” jimmy teased, his tongue darting out between his teeth. the video began to play, the sound was loud; assumingely for jaeden quiet voice in the tape.

the video started with wyatts unsteady hand, him and finn were running around set, they stopped at jaeden, he was playing on his phone in his trailer.

“jaeden wesley we have come for you” finn yelled. you could see jaeden shoot up from his chair. “hey guys” he waved. they talked for around a minute, jokes and all. then finn started to giggle, wyatt zoomed in on jaedens face.

“so jaeden, how’s y/n?” he chuckled, jaeden blushed “she’s ok i guess dunno.” wyatt stopped zooming in when the only thing in frame was jaedens head. “the kiss was good hm?” wyatt asked. jaeden continued to play on his phone, he nodded. “yeah, she’s pretty cute too.”

the video cut to another segment, this was filmed after the sex scene. you knew because jaeden laid on the bed you, in the same underwear that he wore during the scene. the boys were jumping on the bed, and jaeden took the camera and talked to it.

“this is for memory and memory ONLY! h-hey y/nnn” he was talking to the camera like it was you “you’re amazing and cool” you could hear finn explode into laughter as he stole the camera back and started running “yeah! and he wants your babies and loves you so much-“ “SHUT UP FINN!!!” and jaeden chased him around.

the video was taken off the screen. your face had become close to ghostly white. it was weird, it was almost like he was dumb enough to think finn wouldn’t give jimmy this blackmail goldmine. you looked at jaeden, he hit his bottom lip until it was red, he itches his neck and laughed it off.

“yeah ok-ok jimmy, maybe i liked her back in the day” jaeden tried so hard to be casual, but jimmy hit him with a heart stopper: “but mr martell, the last clip was filmed less then a month ago!”

your mind flickered with memories and ideas of him.

your first time meeting, how good his hand felt in yours. when you wiped icecream off his chin, and him dotting icecream on to the top of your nose. the way his hair always fell perfectly above his eye brow. and SHIT how he always smelt so fucking good. how he let you fall asleep in his arms and how he never complained when you put on some stupid romcom and-

“y/n?” jimmy questioned. “huh?” you spaced, come on y/n you gotta stop doing that. “i asked how you felt about all of this.” “well, there isn’t a right word i can use.”

jaeden took this has a bad reaction, he did a small wave to the crowd and stood up to get off the stage.

you stood up, grabbed his hand, and laid one right on him. kissing him felt normal, but now that there was emotion behind it, it just felt so right.

you both stopped for air, the crowd went wild. jimmy was clapping too, you could barley hear them, your heart was pumping throughout your whole body. you swore jaeden could hear it.

after the show, you sat in your dressing room for a bit, contemplating the events of tonight, and how they were all broadcasted for your embarrassment. but it was only the beginning. only the beginning of what was to come for mr. and mrs. jaeden martell.

a soulmate who wasn’t meant to be

summary: y/n deals with the aftermath of harry leaving her

warnings: angst af!!!! possible ED tw 

word count: 2k

a/n: i was really sad so i started writing this to try to relieve some of the emotions built up in my body :)))))) 

this is based off the song “a soulmate who wasn’t meant to be” by jess benko. lyrics are spread throughout this in bold and italics so hopefully it isn’t too confusing!!

masterlist

Nothing hurts more than pretending like everything’s okay, when you’re falling apart on the inside. When you want nothing more than to be with your love. Hold him in your arms and give him little kisses whenever you want. Dance around the kitchen and sing songs from your youth.  

Harry. Beautiful Harry. Your boy.

He’s not yours anymore. You have to remind yourself.

You’re miserable without him, but he’s better without you. The pain of being with you was much greater than the thought of leaving you. 

So he left. 

You’ll never forgive yourself. 

Everyday seems to get worse. The days blend together. 

You fall asleep, not sleeping well. You wake up, regretfully, tired from another restless night. The day drags on, never seeming to end. You walk around like a zombie. Daydreaming about going home to the love of your life, instead going home to an empty apartment and an empty fridge.

You can’t bring yourself to eat. You can’t bring yourself to even try to watch TV. You go straight to bed and stare at the ceiling till you eventually fall asleep. And then it repeats. And repeats. Again and again and again. 

You can’t even remember what day it is. You don’t know if you’re supposed to go to work or if you’re off. You wake up anyway. Anything to distract yourself from the never ending cycle of numbness and loneliness. Self loathing and empty stomachs. The nagging feeling in the back of your mind telling you things could have been different.

Maybe if you had done things a little different. Maybe if you had smiled a little more. Laughed at a few more of his jokes or hugged him a little bit tighter. Maybe if you had started accepting his offer to go on walks with him. Or watched a few more movies with him.

 If you could go back you would never say no to anything he requested. 

You would gladly sit through any of the god awful romantic comedies he’s obsessed with. Or drink the terrible black coffee he has every morning. 

But no. Things change and people change. You drifted apart. You’ll never have him again. The giggles and late night love making. Him singing you to sleep or washing each other’s hair in the shower. 

Sobs wrack your body for the first time in months. You hadn’t cried like this since the day he left. The memories seep back into your conscious, haunting you.

His bright green eyes flash behind your eyelids. His voice is ringing through your ears. You can feel his lips on your neck and his hands wrapped around your body. 

You stand up, shaking your head and pulling at the roots of your hair. Trying to rip the memories straight out of your brain. You’ve never felt this kind of pain. Pure anguish. The reality finally setting in that he’s gone.

He had finally had enough of you. What he once loved and adored, he loathed.

He was far too gone once you realized. You were far too selfish to realize the man you love was slowly falling out of love with you.  

“Y/N?” He had called your name gently.

“Hm?” You hummed, not looking up from your phone where you had been texting your friend for the last half an hour. 

He took a deep breath, trying not to snap. “Can we talk?”

This got your attention. You looked up, brows furrowed, and set your phone down on the couch. “What?”

“I-I...I think we should take a break.

Your heart dropped to your stomach. 

“Wh-what?” You whispered, feeling tear prick your eyes.

“I...want to take a break from each other.”

You stared at the man sitting in front of you. You noticed how different he looked from the man you fell in love with. He looked sad. He looked exhausted. You didn’t know at the time it was because of you. You thought maybe he was having a rough time with himself. But now it’s crystal clear.

 You changed. You weren’t the same woman he fell in love with. You two barely went on dates. You hadn’t had sex in months. You two hadn’t even been going to bed together. You would always go to bed first. He would sit in the living room, crying over his broken relationship. He would eventually crawl into bed, laying as far from you as possible. You hadn’t even noticed, being too caught up in your own life, not noticing your boyfriend slowly crumbling apart in front of your eyes.

So you agreed. You agreed to take a break from each other for two months. You wouldn’t date anybody or sleep with anyone, but you two had to stay apart from each other. It was easier for him than he hoped. He felt like he had freedom. He felt like he could breathe finally, not suffocating in his own home.

You had a different experience. You never realized how much you relied on him. The dishes piled up and your laundry was never washed. The fridge never got full of groceries at the beginning of the week. You had no one to cook you dinner or ask how you looked in a certain outfit. You missed him.

The two months was almost over and you had already planned out everything you were going to say. Your apology and your speech on how much you appreciated and loved him. You knew you fucked up and you knew you had to own up to your mistakes. Your negligence to him.

And then you got the call.  

Stranger, that's all I see

The piercing sound of your phone ringing cut through the silence of the apartment. You jumped in your spot on the couch, where you were folding your clothes. 

When I look into your eyes

Harry’s contact flashed across the screen. You didn't know if you should feel relieved or terrified. Did he finally have enough of this break and was ready to come running into your open arms? 

You hesitantly slid across the bottom of the screen to answer.

“Harry?” 

He cleared his throat. “Hey, Y/N.”

“Hey, I’ve missed you so much, Harry.”

He winced at the sentence, his eyes already beginning to water and his throat feeling tight. “Listen,  Y/N. I have something to tell you.”

A soulmate who wasn't meant to be

Your heart stops beating at the tone of his voice. “Okay...”

You heard his breathing over the line for a few heartbeats before he finally spit it out, “I’m moving back home.”

Your heart leaped put of your chest. “Harry! I’m so happy. I can’t wait to see you. I’ve reorganized a lot of our place. I’ve had a lot of free time-”

“No, Y/N. I’m moving back to England.” He cut you off. 

Your mouth hung open. A lump immediately formed in your throat. You attempted to swallow it down. “Oh.” You let out shakily, trying to hide the sound of the trembling in your voice.

“Yeah.”

You both sat in silence for a minute, not knowing what to say.

“So, when are you coming back?”

He tried to refrain from rolling his eyes. You were always so stubborn, and that was one of the things he used to love about you.

He sighed loudly, “I’m not coming back.”

“Are-are you breaking up with me, H?”

He squeezed his eye shut and shook his head. No matter how bad you are for him, he still loved you, and it still fucking hurts to do this. 

“Yes, Y/N. I’m breaking up with you.” He said as steadily as he could manage.

Stranger, who knows all my secrets

You covered your mouth with your hand to stifle the cries leaving your body. “I can’t believe you’re breaking up with me over the phone!” You yelled into the phone, unable to control your emotions any longer.

“We haven’t seen each other in months, Y/N! You should’ve known this was gonna happen eventually!”

“I thought this break was supposed to make us come out stronger, not tear us apart!”

“We’ve been torn apart for a lot longer than you think.”

You didn’t know how to reply. He was right. You just never realized it. He had been feeling this way for a long time. This was inevitable. 

“I’m so sorry, Harry. This is all my fault. I love you so much. You’re the only thing that holds me together. I know I fucked up and I ruined our relationship and everything good we had. Please, please, please, don’t do this. I'll do anything for another chance. We can take it slow. Anything. I can’t lose you, baby. You’re the love of my life. My light.”

He shakes his head and blinks away the tear threatening to spill over. “Y/N, no. I can’t keep doing this. We haven't been good for a long time. I‘m broken. I can’t keep going in circles. I need time for myself. We’ll find other people. I love you and I’ll always love you, but I can’t be with you anymore.”

You cried harder at his words. Nothing hurts more than knowing he’s leaving because you hurt him so bad. He still loves you.

The thought of Harry loving anyone else fucking hurts. The thought of him kissing another person and giving them the secret touches you used to share. You’re breathing is shallow and quick, sobs wracking your body.

“H, please. I-I can’t-”

“Goodbye, Y/N. Maybe one day in the future we can talk again, but I have to go. You’ll be okay.” He hung up. 

Can pull me apart and break my heart

You immediately tried to call him back, ready to plead with him to try again with you. 

The call didn’t go through. He blocked your number. You threw your phone across the room, hearing the glass shatter as it hit the wall then the ground. You dropped to the ground, loud cried of misery leaving your body. 

It went on like this for days, weeks. You eventually had nothing left to cry. Your mind going numb. Everything reminded you of him. His smell lingering in your once shared apartment. The stuff he ever bothered picking up still sitting around your apartment. Even looking at yourself in the mirror reminds you of him. The way he would compliment very feature on your face, making you develop the confidence he had instilled in you.

All of that leads to now. 

The empty apartment and the grumbling stomach. You can’t remember the last time you had a proper meal. Nothing wanting to stay down. 

So there you sit. In your empty home. Surrounded by long lost memories of the love you once shared with Harry. Your heart shattered into a million pieces. Feeling uncapable of ever loving again. Thinking of your lost love, thousands of miles away. Missing a piece of your soul, never to be replaced again. 

But you’ll be okay. He said you would be. 

A soulmate who wasn't meant to be

pt 2

.......ok!

What I can't Have.

Summary: Shinsou falls in love with Denki just in time for Denki to fall out of love with him.

Ships: Denki/Jiro- fluff, Denki/Shinsou- Angst.

Pov: Shinsou

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was happy for him at first. Honestly I was.

It was getting sad for awhile, the way he followed me around like a lost puppy. The lost lovestruck look in his eyes when he looked at me. I felt like a monster, but at the time, I didn't feel that way for Kaminari.

He was my friend, my best friend even. But my lover? I just couldn't phantom it. I remember sitting him down to tell him. He seemed somehow shocked I knew how he felt. The thing about Kaminari is, he wears his emotions on his sleeve. For better or worse.

"So...you know how I feel?" He said, a spark of hope in his voice.

"I do."

"Aaand?..." Christ. He was gonna make me say it.

"I-I'm sorry Kaminari. I just dont feel the same. You're a great guy and all, I just don't feel that way for you. I hope we can stay friends though."

I think I watched his soul shatter that day.

I didn't see Denki for a few weeks after that. Im pretty sure he was avoiding me. Not like I could blame him though. It's hard to get rid of feelings when you see that person everyday. I missed him though. I missed him so much. Looking back, that probably should have been my frist hint.

When he started texting me again, it was a relief. I had my best friend back! And we xkuld actually talk and hang out now. No more lovey eyed guilt trips he didn't even know he was taking me on. Apprently, he'd gotten really into music to process his emotions, and it really helped him heal.

We have Jiro to thank for that.

I don't hate Kyouka. I think she's actually a wonderful girl, and I nothing but thankful for her, for being there for Kaminari when I couldn't be.

That said, the moment he introduced us j saw it. He had that same love struck look in his eyes. It didn't surprise me. Kaminari had the heart of a hopeless romantic, it was made of elastic.

The difference was, she had the same eyes for him. It shocked no one when they started dating. And look, I was happy for them! Denki deserved someone who could love on his level and Jiro fit the bill. She was kind and caring, and they both loved music. I couldn't believe it, but she tought his tone deaf ass to play guitar! They have a small band together now. They make amazing music.

And they really are adorable together. I started inviting Jiro to our hangouts, so she knew she was welcome. At first, I thought I was annoyed at being a third wheel. Watching them curl into eachother on the couch, while I sat on the floor on movie night. How they would get into these feedback loops of just gushing over one another. And don't even get me started on the playlisys.

But, slowly I realized it was more. It was in the way he held her close at all times. They way he talk about her, as if she was some divine gift. It was in the way he looked at her, with those love struck puppy eyes.

Fuck, I missed those eyes being on me.

Leave it to me to only realize I want someone once I couldn't have them. My stomach would turn into knots when's I saw him. My head would feel light, and on the rare occasion it was just us, I'd get damn near giddy. I was a love struck fool.

And, maybe it really was just so I could heal and move on. Maybe it's because I'm selfish. Maybe it was because some tiny part of me hoped he'd leave her for me. But, I told him exactly how I felt.

It started out normal, we were playing Mortal Kombat, but, I guess he noticed my game was off.

"Alright, what's wrong?"

"What do you mean?"

"You lost."

"I lose all the time."

"Yea, but not with noob!" His laughed was always so adorable. "Noobs your main! So what's going on?"

I got cold feet at the question. I was I was sure I wanted to tell him, but now...

"Im fine, I promise."

"Hitoshi, you know you can tell me anything, right?"

"Yea?"

"So why are you keeping secrets now?" He asked. He was right. It didn't ruin things when I rejected him, why wouldn't work out the same way in reverse? And his smiled was so warm, and inviting.

"I-..I think I love you."

"Aww, I love you too bro!"

"No, Kaminari, I mean I love you."

His smile dropped.

"What?"

"Look, I know that I said I didn't feel the same, and at the time I didn't, but I love you! Seeing you with Jiro made me realize, I-"

"Hitoshi, that's not fair." Denki said, uncharacteristically cold. I could see the tears form in his eyes. But, it wasn't the same as last time I saw them. These weren't tears of heart break.

"I waited a whole year for you. I wanted you, for so long, and you told me you didn't want me. Not the other way around. And now thG I'm happy and everything is good, and, for the first time in forever, I feel like I'm not carrying bricks on my chest, you wanna do this? Hitoshi, do you like seeing me hurt?"

"No! Kaminari, I would never do anything to hurt you!"

"Then why tell me?! What did you expect?! For me to just leave Jiro and come running into your arms? I love Jiro. And I'm pretty sure she loves me. She loves me enough not to try and crash everything I worked so hard to build." He was crying now. I wondered how over me he really was. I wondered if that was selfish to think.

"No, I don't want to break anything you built-up. I just had to get it off my own chest. I don't want you to leave Jiro, I just...I dont know."

"I-..I dont know either man. I'm sorry but, I really don't feel the same anymore. I don't know why I'm so mad about it." He confessed. He refused to make eye contact. "I guess I'm just mad that I spent months miserable over the fact that you'd never love me. And, I guess it all feels like it could have been avoided now."

"Im sorry."

"But, I don't know if I want to have avoided it." He wiped his eyes with his sleeve. He wasn't crying anymore, but his eyes still had had a sharpness.

"If I avoided it, I wouldn't have gotten so close to Jiro...but...I just.." He cut his own thoughts off with a groan, hiding his face in his hands.

"Im sorry."

"I know you are." He mumbled. He looked over at him. "I loved you Hitoshi. I really truly did."

"Its not too late, I-" that was the wrong thing to say. A scowl came across his face.

"Yes it is. I loved you. Ed. Past tense. My emotions and how I feel don't get pushed to the side because you finally came you your sense and realized how you felt. My relationship isn't going to just end because you want it to."

He grabbed his backpack and stood up. I wanted to reach out for him and make him stay. But, I knew that would be wrong.

"I-I'm sorry Hitoshi. I just dont feel the same. You're a great guy and all, I just don't feel that way for you anymore. I hope we can stay friends though." He mumbled as he walked to the door. He looked back at me.

"I'll see you later man."

"See you later."

And thats where we are now. I've been laying on my bed going over this entire situation in my head for hours. I definitely could have gone about that last interaction diffrent, but, it doesn't matter. I missed my shot.

Stupid late stage crushes.

I can't help but think about how he must have felt just like this all that time ago. And I feel almost worse knowing I put him through it.

But, I know I can't lose him. He's my best friend, I'd be devastated to lose him completely.

So, I guess I gotta just get over it.

_________________________________________

A/N: hope ya like it @firelove151! I haven't ever really written anything like this before so, as always constructive feedback is welcome!

Road Trips and Missing Persons (Part 21)

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Relationships: Patton & Virgil, Virgil & Janus, Logan & Patton, Emile & Remy, Roman & Remus & Janus

Characters: Patton, Virgil, Janus, Remus, Roman, Logan, Emile, Remy

Summary: Patton was just getting groceries. The next thing he knew, there was a knife at his throat and he was an unwilling uber driver. Virgil’s on the run after the murder of his dad, and it’s not just his paranoia that’s telling him he’s being chased down. He has to get somewhere safe, somewhere he can trust, and all he has is a couple of stories from his dad and a name: “Green Bellow Foods and Dispensary.”

Meanwhile, everyone else is trying to find a missing 15 year old, all with different pieces of the puzzle about where he is. It really is too bad that no one is answering their phones.

Notes: Secret Agents AU, knives, carjacking, kidnapping, murder mentioned, guns mentioned, pepper spray, blood mentioned, drugs mentioned, explosions, car crashes (more to be added)

This is a fic I’ve been writing on study breaks that you have probably all already seen at this point. I’ve affectionately named it the Goblin Brain Fic because it’s helping my brain actually get motivated for studying. I’ve slightly edited it for wording and grammar, but not for content from my previous posts. Feel free to send in asks to direct it because I’m not 100% sure where this is going and you can help decide if you feel so inclined! You can see the process I went through to build this at this link.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 My Master Post

Emile’s car, of course, did not have a built-in button that would let him into the base’s outer gates like Remy’s would have. Instead, Remy had to get out of the car and put his face in front of the security camera. He waved, and someone must have seen and recognized him, because the gate swung open to let them through.

Remy climbed back into the car and Emile drove up towards what appeared to be an abandoned factory.

“Since you’re not an agent they’ll want us to go inside the shell building instead of down to the parking garage for security,” Remy told him.

Emile had never actually been to the base. He usually met with Logan at another location or sometimes Emile’s office and he met any patients in his office as well. Thus, he had absolutely no idea what parking garage his brother was talking about or where on Earth it could be, but he could figure out where Remy must want him to go because there was only one building in sight.

He drove down the driveway towards what looked like the main entrance of the “factory”.

“Weird,” Remy said as Emile pulled up in front of it. “There’s another car here.” They exchanged a glance.

Remy mumbled something that sounded like “damned kid,” under his breath. They were both scrambling to get out of the car the next moment. Remy went ahead of Emile because he knew more about this place, and also Emile would not have been able to stop him.

The door had been left slightly ajar and Emile could hear voices as they approached.

Emile heard Virgil’s voice (and thank god Remy was right about where he’d been going) say, “You know my dad?”

An unfamiliar voice responded with a shocked. “Remy’s dead?” which was right when Remy made it to the door.

Without missing a beat, Remy threw open the door and said, “Quit telling everyone I’m dead!” Now Emile loved a good animated movie reference usually, but today he couldn’t help but roll his eyes.

There were a few seconds of silence before the one figure he didn’t recognize on sight finished the quote by saying, “Sometimes I can still hear his voice.”

“Dad?” Virgil asked sounding all types of vulnerable and confused.

“Kid,” Remy said, “you are the bane of my existence.” He put his hands on his hips. “I’m dead for 5 minutes and you skip town?”

Emile watched Virgil’s face as he quickly adjusted to the fact that his father was not in fact dead, but simply an emotionally constipated idiot with a flair for dramatics. He narrowed his eyes. “Yeah, and where have you been, old man?”

“Running after you once the wrist tracker said you’d booked it 50 miles away by the time I knew you were missing! Which then stopped tracking!”

“Yeah, well, I threw it out a window because I thought you were dead, and I’m not stupid.”

“Well, your ‘lack’ of stupidity has made my life a living hell for the past few hours.”

“Right back at you not-dead dad!” Virgil shot back hands on his hips and very much mirroring his father with his sass.

Remy paused for a moment and then snorted a bit. “Come here pipsqueak. Your old man deserves a hug after you nearly gave him a heart attack.” Virgil still looked a bit sullen but went in for the hug anyway.

Virgil caught sight of Emile over Remy’s shoulder and drew back from the hug. “Uncle Emile,” he said, sounding relieved. “I tried to call you.”

Emile turned to glare at Remy.

“Oof,” Remy said. “Yeah, that one may have been my bad too.”

“I,” Logan interjected. By the look on his face, Emile could tell that his willingness to let Remy and Virgil have a moment was wearing thin, “also tried to call him.”

Remy just shrugged. “Yeah, well, Boss, someone drilled it into my head not to give out secret critical information on unsecured lines and I am definitely critical.”

Logan gave him an unimpressed look and Remy shrugged and winked at him after a moment. He dug the flash drive he’d stolen from Barbara out of his pocket and tossed it at Logan. “Oh, and also this.”

Logan caught it and raised an eyebrow at it. “What is this?”

“Enough information to want to kill me for it,” he paused. “Of course, that’s not a high bar considering she tried to kill me before I stole it.”

Logan put the flash drive in his chest pocket. “I’ll decide if I’m going to kill you after I look at what’s on this.”

“Fair enough,” Remy agreed.

“So, you’re a secret agent?” Virgil asked.

“Yep,” Remy confirmed. Virgil looked over at Emile.

“Don’t look at me,” Emile said. “I’m just a run of the mill psychiatrist.”

“Who gives therapy to secret agents,” Remy pointed out.

“Even secret agents need therapy sometimes,” Emile said, “and I already knew about the organization.”

Virgil turned back to his dad. “I’m mad at you,” he said.

“Ah,” Remy said. “Yeah…”

“Teach me to shoot a gun, and I’ll forgive you.”

“NO,” both Emile and the man he didn’t know said at once.

“Trust me,” the other man continued. Now that he looked closer, the man may have been slightly familiar, but Emile couldn’t quite place where he may have seen him before. “He doesn’t need to learn how to use a gun. He does just fine with a knife.”

Remy considered Virgil suspiciously for a few seconds at that odd comment. “What did you do, you little shit?”

“Remy,” the other man chastised.

“He’s heard a lot worse,” Remy waved him off. The other man frowned at him, but Remy just turned back to Virgil. “Now, what did you do?”

“I needed a ride,” said Virgil.

“What about a knife?”

“The knife… helped me get a ride.”

“Did you kidnap Patton at knife point?” Remy asked. Virgil just shrugged. “Kid!”

“And you allowed that to happen?” Logan asked the man Emile presumed was Patton.

“He wasn’t exactly scary,” Patton said.

Virgil looked almost affronted. “I was terrifying!”

“Sure, you were kiddo,” Patton said. Virgil pouted at him, undermining his own point.

“From what I understand, he also incapacitated one of Nelson’s men with pepper spray,” Logan interjected. He eyed Virgil. “We should have a conversation at some point in the future.”

“Logan,” Patton chided. “He’s 15.”

“I’m aware of his age,” Logan said.

Virgil looked at him. “Would you teach me how to use a gun?”

“Hey, if anyone is going to teach my child how to use a gun, it’s me,” Remy insisted.

“No one is teaching him how to use a gun,” Emile said. “He doesn’t even have his driver’s license yet.”

“If I agree to take drivers ed… then I can get a gun?” Virgil asked.

“Maybe,” Remy said.

“No!” Emile exclaimed.

“Okay,” Virgil said, completely ignoring Emile’s interjection, “but Janus is not allowed to teach me to drive after last time. He’s the one who told me the gas pedal was the break on that golf cart. I don’t want to crash another vehicle into a body of water.”

“Wow,” a new voice said from the door. Emile looked over to see a group of damp people walk into the building. Emile did not recognize four of them, but he did recognize the fifth. The speaker turned to Janus. “You must be cursed. Wish you would have told me before we used my car instead of Remus’s”

A woman in the group turned to Logan. “We found your kids,” she said.

Want to read more? Click below!

Part 22

pt 2. So I kinda gravitated towards this idea of what Jerome was saying. That there is a killer inside him, and he needs a push to let it out. But then, in my perspective it's kinda "comforting" to take that stance, rather than except the alternative of this mousey man who wants to do good(as good as he can at least) and doesn't want to be like his brother, and wants to be Bruce's friend-end up bad anyway. So maybe I don't choose that option? Because it's more uncomfortable in a way cont..

pt 3. Sorry stupid character limit XD I mean, rather I lean towards that he was dark and as you said there was a lot of tension with him..but that the gas freed all of that darkness uninhibited. He's really just kind of a walking mass of contradictions I feel. I don't think he was a boy scout. But I think he could have been a better man without the gas. Completely avoiding darkness? No XD (because what would be the fun in that really) But KINDA like Will Graham maybe. Sorta.

pt 4.? One last thing and I swear this'll be it XD You dont' have to post all these. I notice he is sorta hot/cold. In the sense that..I read an article about him stating that it's sorta unclear how he felt about Ecco. Like did he really care about her as a person or more as an asset, and to protect him. They noted it wasn't clear if he was relieved to see HER unharmed specifically, or he was just glad his protection was ok. And about the death of his boss he just says 'tragic'. Coldlike?

 Hey again anon :)  I spliced your posts together, if that’s OK.

I can see what you mean about finding it more comforting to believe that there was some kind of deep wrongness in Jeremiah – because the alternative: that he had a difficult past, but was trying to do the best he could, and fell head over heels for Bruce – only to wind up losing his sanity to the gas….that’s pretty tragic.  I think that’s the way I read it, but I agree – it’s horribly sad.

I suppose if you prefer that ‘killer inside him’ idea, then it could come down to which Gotham philosophy you like best about good vs bad, and what makes a criminal.

On one side, you have Barnes and Ed.  They both talk with Jim about darkness, and violence and monsters, and essentially say the same thing:

Jim and Barnes

Jim – I nearly crossed the line

Barnes - Let me tell you something about the line…. I’m just a man.  And at the right moment, a man might do anything.  Any man. There is no line.  There’s just the law, that‘s what separates us from the animals.  There is no line.

Jim and Ed

Jim - How did this happen to you? How did you become this?

Ed - You dummy. This is who I am. It was just finally admitting the truth to myself. Well, that and murdering some people.

Jim - I don't believe that.

Ed - You don't believe it. Why, Jim?  ‘Cause it would make you incompetent to know that I was right under your nose the whole time? Or you don't want to admit that there's a monster in all of us? Because you, of all people, should know that!

….

Jim - You're completely insane.

Ed - Yeah. It's probably easier for you to think that.

To Barnes and Ed, every single person has the capacity for villainy – even the best of us.  To Barnes, the only thing that keeps everyone in line is the law.  

On the other side, you’ve got Jim.  Jim doesn’t like that. He wants to understand what ‘makes’ someone like that: what’s the difference between ‘us’ and ‘them’? What happened to them?  Could you have avoided it?

To see Jeremiah as having a killer inside him, you could take a middle path, I suppose – which is sort of what Jerome does?  You might have something monstrous inside you, but it takes one bad day to let it free. The gas might be the final push, but let’s face it: there’s been a slow, steady drip, drip, drip throughout his whole life.

Look to their childhood.  We know that Jeremiah was the favourite, and Jerome was seen as beyond redemption after Jeremiah left – but that doesn’t mean things were idyllic before that. Jerome paints a chaotic, violent, upsetting picture of life at the circus.  Jeremiah might not have borne the brunt of the neglect and abuse, but it’s certainly likely he saw things a child shouldn’t have seen.  

Also – just because Jeremiah was ‘the favourite’ – that doesn’t mean there wasn’t an enormous amount of strain placed on him.  It’s possible Jeremiah was the conscientious ‘good’ one that Jerome described because Jeremiah saw that as a strategy for avoiding abuse. Be good, be clever, keep your room clean, do as you’re told – and you won’t be screamed at, or hit, or neglected.  

So by the time he escapes life at the circus, there’s already possibly a lot of repressed rage built up – and really carefully repressed in Jeremiah’s case, because being angry is dangerous – being angry might make you Jerome, whom he hates and fears.  Being angry might mean you’re not the ‘good boy’ anymore, and leave you vulnerable to your mother’s neglect and abuse.

Then you’ve got his time at school.  Goodness knows what that was like.  A ‘good’ school with lots of well-heeled Gotham children, and a preternaturally intelligent little boy, who behaves oddly, and is secretive about his background shows up?  That’s unlikely to have gone well.  Even worse if they found out about his family and past.

Even as an adult, when we meet him – his life doesn’t look too fun. His indulgences aside – his home looks dark and dreary.  There’s no evidence of friends or lovers – no sign that he’s in touch with family.  He’s learned that his mother was killed.  He’s living with the constant fear that his brother will find him and murder him.

So yes – if you want to see him as someone who has a lot of darkness and rage banked down - someone who is maybe harbouring murderous feelings, I think it’s definitely plausible.

Med Series Rewatch (#12)

S3 E12: Born This Way.

Episode description: Dr. Manning and Dr. Choi are faced with a tough decision.

Literally when are they not.

Okay, last episode ended with the first Ava/Connor kiss, so this episode should be a rollercoaster of emotions.

let’s get into it.

- okay, already we’re starting in connor’s apartment, so cue ava walking in bc they slept together?

- i think its hilarious that her casual clothing is.. a flannel. like lmao idk

- it is so unbelievably funny and stupid to have a one night stand with someone you work closely with. i mean come on

- never forget that dr. ava bekker has a fish tank

- this is exhausting. the tentative back and forth is so fucking exhausting

- another bit of evidence. ava is never not confident, and especially not to this extent, and she never follows connor’s lead. so, the fact that she is standing back and waiting for him to make the decision? stupid.

- it screams that she is having a moment of anxiety, which is why she isn’t up to make the decisions in the exchange.

-to be clear: what i’m claiming here is that the only reason ava actually got with connor was bc she was having a moment of anxiety because he was the only person she had built a relationship with after living in this city for six months.

- when connor says that he has plans you can see her fold in on herself. this stems from a place of anxiety

- remember when they did surgery on the panda? that’s when the show peaked

- ava in her lab coat will never not get me. especially with the gloves, running towards a patient (very hot)

- connor still looks kinda looks like a mess but ava is immaculate here like what dude out of your league

- ava asking the family questions (ik this is standard doctor stuff but showing worry, interest, all that jazz)

- okay, see here! here! ava calls connor out, saying that his procedure is too invasive. before, ava’s procedures where invasive, which everyone used as evidence to her being super cold, but now, we see that she purely does what she deems best for the patient at hand

- also, once again, the concern ava feels. you can hear it in her voice. we forget this part of her way too often

- the smile on ava’s face when she gives the family good news. god wept

- and then more concern when connor tells her they need to put him on ecmo

- the reason that ava is frustrated that connor didn’t go with her decision for their patient care is because she truly believes that if they don’t go with her treatment, he will die. don’t make it anything different. don’t argue she’s frustrated because he’s not listening to her. don’t make it anything about their relationship. she puts their patients care first and foremost

- there’s a stark shift in her demeanor when in the room with the parents vs. her alone with connor. in the room, you can see she’s stewing. she’s sucking on her teeth, she’s holding her emotions. she has control, she’s a professional. out of the room, she has full reign to be as mad with connor as she wants, which she does.

-AVA RAN INTO THE ROOM AGAIN WITH THE LAB COAT AND GLOVES AND IDK IT JUST HAS ME FEELING SOME KINDA WAY

- the way ava acknowledges everyone in the room (the nurse just informed them that the drug was running, ava nodded. just a little thing but yk)

- ava shaking her head at this sad, sad man (connor, who is floundering for a solution and misplacing his anger)

- their entire relationship is misplaced anger

- the fact that the last shot of the scene has connor in the foreground looking over the bed and ava watching from the door but ava is the one in focus - some cool cinematography points

- IS THIS THE EPISODE WHERE MAGGIE GOES TO JAIL

- med really went all over the place

- JUST THE AMOUNT OF CONCERN ON AVA’S FACE. im gonna say it again. look me in the eyes and tell this women is a psychopath. the med writers are fucking insane

- and when the parents ask ava if she disagreed with connor’s treatment decision, she has every opportunity (and right, frankly) to throw him under the bus and undermine him. but still, she says “it’s a complicated situation.” like. she never ever makes it personal, or loses her head. especially not to a patient. and she doesn’t have to defend connor. he’s made a lot of mistakes, and taken it out on her a bunch of times. yet she’s still nice to him, when he’s not even in the room

- it’s insane

- this is also the legendary scene where she comforts the family. there’s not a lot that i haven’t already said. this is the scene that most exemplifies ava’s humanity, the way she seems to feel, at least residually, what these parents are going through (since she obviously hasn’t gone through anything like this herself [unless.]). the way she kneels down, and gets on the family’s personal level.

- I... okay listen. I absolutely HATE the parallel they pull her between the line “I believe whenever you do something out of love, it can never really be wrong” and connor. especially because they show him when she says that line. and yeah, there’s obviously a connection that can be drawn between the meaning of that line and her sociopathic behavior in s4 and s5.

- it honestly feels like when writing s4, the writers hit so much of a wall they just googled the most ‘iconic’ ava moments and thought ‘how can i use these in the worst way possible?’ That’s honestly probably what they did (ava’s first interaction with connor - ‘you better watch yourself,’ this moment). There is no nuance to her character in s4. it is astoundingly terrible.

- lets move on

- THE WAY CONNOR LOOKS AT AVA HER MAKES ME FUCKING SCARED. HE HAS NO EMOTION ON HIS FACE. I know that we’ve been screen capping ava throughout this series but can someone find pictures of connor looking at ava bc, i need yall to remember how weird he looks

- like, no shade to connor, but just the emotion is undecipherable, but it is in no way a good one

- ava getting concerned (and looking slightly embarrassed) when she sees connor watching her by the door. obviously yeah she’s gonna feel weird you just caught her in a very uncharacteristic moment, outwardly expressing comfort. fucking back off

- i am so fucking protective of her and i demand he no longer look at her. it’s banned

- sam abrams looking at sarah’s dad’s head ct and asking if he’s a criminal. oh boy 

- from a writer’s perspective, the storyline with sarah’s dad is actually pretty good

- ava ran into the room with gloves and lab coat again, if anybody wanted to know

- for the record, want it to be noted, ava was the one who realized that it was an issue with the machine again, so you could say she fixed connor’s mistake, again. so.

- connor making a big deal about handing the reins over to ava (if he really was selfless he wouldn’t have made a whole big thing, he still has an enormous hero complex)

- handing off control was very hard for him. boo hoo get some fucking humility I think they sell it at walgreens

- sarah fucking walking across the ed like she’s going to war. dramatic

- med really said pedophiles deserve rights with this ep huh

- anyway

- the way ava smiles

- the way she smiles when she turns him down. CAN WE TALK ABOUT THAT? SHE TURNED HIM DOWN. in the aspect of the story i cannot remember why she turned him down, but hey, i’m happy

- and it only further proves my story that the hook up came from a place of anxiety, and this is her realizing how silly that decision was. and her smiling was her laughing at herself for making such a stupid decision

- ALSO. LET’S TALK ABOUT THE FACT THAT THIS DECISION, THE DECISION TO TURN HIM DOWN, HAPPENED IN THE SAME EPISODE WHERE SHE SAID ‘IF YOU DO SOMETHING FOR LOVE, IT’S NEVER REALLY WRONG’

- like she literally says ‘last night was a mistake.’

- honestly, it’s fucking hilarious. connor deserves nothing

- and the confusion on his face when she walks away. hilarious

- if you wanted to take this the reesker route you could argue that the idea of ‘a decision of love’ was ava coming to terms with her slight little crush, though i don’t know how clean it would be if you argue that she panicked and told herself those were feelings meant for connor. idk, i’ll have to think about it further

- watching sarah let herself be betrayed by both herself and the people around in the story surrounding her dad will never not be hard to watch

This was a very good episode, character wise, for all the reasons stated above. It just hammers home the point of how strong a character Ava was. Key word, of course, being ‘was’. My conclusion over the last two episodes is that this specific sexual encounter with Connor was born out of a moment of anxiety from Ava. I suggest that over that last few weeks or days she has been experiencing some amount of anxiety out of having been living in Chicago for six months and only having one interpersonal relationship. So, that idea kind of built where she told herself the reason she only had one relationship was because she was in love with him. Then. after going through the story with this kid and comforting his parents, she realizes that she never actually loved Connor and maybe has a thing for someone else. I’m glad that I keep coming up with more ideas for this character, I was afraid the initial theory was somewhat of a one-off, but this only proves the idea of the complexity to Ava’s character.

I’m sure it’ll get worse from here, though.

as always, thanks for sticking through

-

read the rest here:

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10 / Extra

The Real Michigan MAC Trophy

Hello friends, we’re back to round out the hypothetical histories of the real life three-way rivalry trophies. Before we begin, if you’d like to check out my previous posts on the Florida Cup, Commander-in-Chief’s Trophy, or the Beehive Boot, click the links provided.

You probably saw this one coming, today’s the day for the Michigan MAC Trophy. What the name lacks in imagination it makes up for in specificity. The Michigan MAC Trophy is handed out every year to the head-to-head winner between Central Michigan, Eastern Michigan, and Western Michigan.

It’s a relatively new trophy, and has only been given out since 2005. But what if we wind the clock back to the beginning of the three-way rivalry, how would things be different?

The rules of the Michigan MAC Trophy are the same as the ones governing the Service Academies. The winner will retain possession of the trophy until another team claims it. In the event of a three-way tiebreaker, where all teams hold a 1-1 record against each other, the Trophy remains where it is.

So let’s jump in our time machines and head back to the beginning.

-

The proper year to begin giving out the Michigan MAC Trophy has to be 1974, the year all three schools began to play each other on an annual basis. There had been a handful of years when this had happened before, in 1907 and in the late 20′s, but for the most part Eastern and Western Michigan had nothing to do with each other.

For the first three-quarters of the 20th Century, WMU and CMU would play on a near-annual basis, as would CMU and EMU, but there was little to no overlap between the Eagles and the Broncos.

This makes more sense when you remember the conference situation. The MAC was founded all the way back in 1946, making it by far the oldest of the G5 conferences, predating the FBS designation by decades in fact. However, Western Michigan was the only school from the state in the conference for decades. The Broncos had middling success in the league, and were mostly overshadowed by higher powered opponents like Miami of Ohio.

Central and Eastern Michigan spent this time in lower divisions. It wasn’t until 1971 that those universities joined the MAC, but it took even longer for their football teams to get all of their ducks in a row to move up to D-I. CMU football officially joined the Mid-American in 1975, and EMU followed the year after.

However, it was in 1974, just before both schools joined the MAC, that EMU and WMU finally began playing yearly to close the loop and begin the three-way rivalry.

CMU Leads the Pack: 1974-1991

It was the perfect time to move up if you were a Central Michigan fan. The Chippewas won the Division II National Championship in the 1974 season. Central Michigan had been led by head coach Roy Kramer since 1967. It was Kramer who built Central Michigan into a D-II powerhouse and perfectly timed their jump. In their first three years in the MAC, CMU went 25-7-1. They didn’t claim any conference titles, but finished 2nd in 1975 and 1977.

Roy Kramer was replaced by longtime replacement Herb Deromedi in 1978. Central Michigan went from strength to strength, as Deromedi proved to be the perfect match. CMU finished ‘78 with a 9-2 record, finishing 2nd in the MAC once again. The next two years, the Chippewas would win the conference. In 1979, Central Michigan went undefeated with a 10-0-1 record. They didn’t play in a bowl or finish in the AP Poll because that’s just how things were back then.

CMU wouldn’t win the MAC again for another decade, but they were a player in the conference race every year and completely dominated their rivals. The Chippewas wouldn’t suffer a losing season through the entirety of Deromedi’s 16 year tenure.

The 1980′s weren’t as successful in Kalamazoo or Ypsilanti, but neither team was a real bottom-feeder.

Western Michigan likely assumed they’d be able to run roughshod over their newcomer brother programs, but were usurped. 1974 was the final year in Bill Doolittle’s decade long tenure, and the largely successful WMU coach faceplanted with a 3-8 record after seven winning seasons in his previous nine years.

Doolittle’s replacement was Elliot Uzelac (who would later coach Navy in the late 80′s). Uzelac did a good job for the most part. After a dreadful 1-10 first season, he coached the Broncos to a 37-29 record from 1976 to 1981. Jack Harbaugh coached Western Michigan from 1982 to 1986, but after a 2nd place finish in his first year WMU got worse each year. 

Al Molde came in to take over from Harbaugh in 1987. Molde had coached his way up from D-III and quickly got the Broncos straightened out. In 1988, Western Michigan went 9-3, winning their first MAC title since 1966 but lost to Fresno State in the California Bowl. WMU remained a contender for the rest of Molde’s decade in Kalamazoo, finishing above .500 for the next six seasons.

Eastern Michigan hadn’t been a very successful D-II program, so hopes weren’t exactly high as they transitioned to the higher level. Ed Chlebek actually managed a surprise 8-3 record in 1977, but then left immediately for Boston College. Replacement Mike Stock was horrible, and he was fired only 3 games into the 1982 season after accruing a 6-38-1 record.

EMU hired Jim Harkema in 1983. Harkema was previously the head man at Grand Valley State in D-II and had led the Lakers to three conference titles in his ten years at the helm. Harkema would spend another ten years in Ypsilanti and would become the Hurons’ best coach since moving up to D-I.

It took some time to get things going, but by year 1986 Eastern Michigan had a winning record. In ‘87, EMU had their best year in modern history, going 10-2, earning their first every (and currently only) MAC Championship and a victory over San Jose State in the California Bowl. The Hurons finished with a winning record in the next two years, finishing 2nd in the MAC both times.

The magic didn’t last, and Harkema resigned midway through the 1992 season after several losing campaigns. The Hurons, now renamed the Eagles, would enter a brutal period of decline after this point.

Michigan MAC Trophy Record Central Michigan: 15 Western Michigan: 2 Eastern Michigan: 1

Despite the relative parity between the programs, the Trophy was nearly always in Mount Pleasant. Central Michigan owned their rivals in the first two decades since they joined the MAC. The Chippewas would have won the Michigan MAC Trophy in the first 15 of 18 seasons since 1974. They never lost it for more than a year and never once kept it via tiebreaker.

It’s curious how dominant this stretch was considering that both Western and Eastern Michigan had periods of success, especially in the late 80′s. CMU still managed to outfox their rivals on almost every occasion. EMU didn’t manage to win the Trophy in 1987, their only 10 win season ever, because one of their two losses was to Central.

The Broncos only managed to win the Trophy twice. The first, in 1976 was during a down year for the Chippewas, and the second was WMU’s first 9 win season in program history.

-

Western Michigan Strikes Back: 1992-2004

Jim Harkema and Herb Deromedi retired in 1992 and 1993 respectively. Harkema has been Eastern Michigan’s best coach since moving up to D-I. Deromedi was the MAC’s winningest head coach of all time before Frank Solich passed him last season.

Neither team was able to easily transition away from their best head coaches in recent memory. EMU was hit particularly hard. The Eagles went into a tailspin and would only have one winning season (6-5 in 1995) for the next two decades. CMU won the MAC in Dick Flynn’s first year as head coach in 1994, but then fell off into irrelevance for the next decade.

Western Michigan took charge of the rivalry. WMU remained strong under Al Molde, who stayed on as head coach until his retirement in 1996. Molde’s replacement, Gary Darnell, kept up the momentum at first. The Broncos went 31-15 in Darnell’s first four seasons with two MAC West Division titles.

Western Michigan began to flag around the turn of the decade. The Broncos were a dreadful 15-31 from 2001-2004, a perfectly horrific turnaround compared to the first half of Darnell’s tenure. Darnell was fired after a 1-10 collapse in ‘04.

Michigan MAC Trophy Record Central Michigan: 18 Western Michigan: 11 Eastern Michigan: 2

Western Michigan was easily the strongest of the Michigan MAC programs in the 1990′s. From Al Molde to Gary Darnell, the Broncos routinely bested their rivals, especially Eastern Michigan.

Central Michigan was able to keep up with their rivals in the mid-90′s, but the Chippewas really fell off under Mike DeBord in the early 2000′s. Eastern Michigan was an afterthought for the most part, though they did manage to win one Trophy in 2004 when all three programs were in the toilet.

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The Real Trophy Era: 2005-2019

So now we’re back to the beginning. In 2005 the *real* Michigan MAC Trophy began to pass between the three schools in that state in that conference. It was also somewhat of a turning point once more.

In 2004 Brian Kelly came to Central Michigan, reversing the fortunes of the Chippewas, who had been struggling for most of the previous decade. In 2006, CMU went 10-4 with a MAC Championship, which Kelly relayed into a job at Cincinnati. Central Michigan replaced Kelly with another ace hire in Butch Jones, who kept up the winning ways.

CMU won a second straight MAC title in 2007 and a third in 2009. The ‘09 season was a standout 12-2 campaign that saw the Chippewas finish 23rd in the AP Poll, their only final top 25 ranking. Following this extremely successful year, Jones was also poached by Cincinnati following Kelly’s departure to Notre Dame. Central Michigan became a middling program in the MAC West under first Dan Enos and then John Bonamego. Jim McElwain was hired to coach CMU starting in 2019 and went 8-6 in his first year.

Bill Cubit was hired by Western Michigan in 2005 and did a solid job for most of his 8 years in Kalamazoo. Cubit took the Broncos to three bowls, more than WMU had ever seen in total before that point. However, Cubit never was able to take the next step, and following a disappointing 4-8 season in 2012 Cubit was relieved of duty.

Cubit was replaced by PJ Fleck, who quickly transformed Western Michigan into the top program in the MAC. In 2016, the Broncos screamed out to finish the season 13-0 with a MAC Championship and the conference’s second ever berth in a NY6 Bowl. The dream ended in Dallas as #12 WMU lost to Wisconsin in the Cotton Bowl, but it was still the best ever season any Michigan MAC school has ever had. Fleck left following his triumphant ‘16 season. Tim Lester hasn’t done quite as good a job, but has kept Western Michigan relevant in the years since the breakout 2016 season.

Eastern Michigan was a different story. The Eagles were one of the worst teams in FBS football for most of the 2000′s. EMU was a bottom-feeder under Jeff Woodruff, Jeff Genck, and Ron English. They were considered a lost cause when they hired Chris Crieghton.

Creighton was a turnaround veteran, having clawed his way up from NAIA to D-III to non-scholarship FCS. It took a few years, but he even turned around Eastern Michigan. In 2016 the Eagles finished the year 7-6, their first winning season since 1995, and their first bowl since 1987. EMU went bowling in 2018 and 2019 as well.

Michigan MAC Trophy Record Central Michigan: 23 Western Michigan: 17 Eastern Michigan: 6

Since the introduction of the real rivalry trophy, the standings have been much more competitive. Despite mostly being godawful in the 2000′s, Eastern Michigan somehow managed to keep (and retain) the trophy on four occasions.

Despite good seasons, WMU was unable to claim the trophy often during Bill Cubit’s tenure, but have done well for themselves since PJ Fleck came into town. The Broncos have won five of the last six Trophies. CMU remains a constant in the discussion, though they’ve only won five Trophies since the introduction of the real thing.

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Prehistory: 1902-1973

I’m putting the other games on here just in case you were curious to see the full history of all three games.

Michigan MAC Trophy Record Western Michigan: 49 Central Michigan: 42 Eastern Michigan: 19

As you can tell this isn’t quite a fair comparison. There were decades separating EMU-WMU games so for the most part the Michigan MAC Trophy would have been simply decided by the CMU-WMU game.

The Broncos definitely dominated the series before 1974, but this is to be expected when they were the only D-I program of the three for several decades.

Michigan MAC Trophy Record (Without Ties) Central Michigan: 40 Western Michigan: 38 Eastern Michigan: 14

Without ties, Central Michigan regains its lead in the all-time standings. The Chippewas’ complete dominance in the 70′s and 80′s came without a single tie, giving them a slight edge over rival Western Michigan who benefited from 11 ties in the history of the series. The Eagles remain at the bottom. Can’t be helped.

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I think it’s great that these smaller FBS teams have these interesting and unique rivalries and a Trophy series like this. I hope they continue to do it until the sun burns out. The MAC is one of those underfunded and low-resource conferences that soldiers on as the second choice underneath the Big Ten, providing real college football to the Midwest.

I’m cautiously optimistic about the future of the Michigan MAC Trophy. Obviously it’s got a stronger foundation than either the Beehive Boot or the Florida Cup, since every team actually plays each other every season. The only danger I can imagine is that one or more of these schools eventually drops down a level or drops football altogether for budget reasons. Lets hope it doesn’t happen.

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Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this little series of mine. Maybe I’ll do a few more exploring other rivalries that don’t have a trophy. Stay tuned!

-cfbguy

First (posted) Reddie/Losers fic

Criticism welcomed be gentle

Words - 4K+

… “You’re braver than you think” Richie finishes his speech to Eddie, giving Eddie the needed courage to continue down with the rest of the losers to fight this damn clown one last and final time.

“Na- Now remember, he plays with us. Don’t let him fool you! Non- none of us are a- alone” Bill reminds everyone as all the losers head down in the pit of Its lair. Mike starts the ritual, explaining every step of the way what to do. Each loser takes their turn throwing in their relic from that first summer they tried to defeat It. “This is a token from the arcade.” Richie says, leaving out the part about Pennywise appearing as he collected it, calling him out for his Dirty Little Secret. Eddie complains about how long the token will take to burn, Richie retorts with how bad of an idea the inhaler was. Within seconds the clown has appeared, and just like before, Pennywise succeeds at separating us. Bev back in the school bathroom, Ben being buried alive in the fort he built for the losers. Bill is back in his basement facing dead Georgie, and his younger self. Eddie and Richie are together, facing the same three doors Bill and Richie did as children. All the losers fight to find their way back to each other, back to the real battleground to take their stand against Pennywise. It knows their fears, fears they won’t even admit to themselves. He knows this battle is different than the last. He is not fighting children but grown adults. These adults as children damn near ended him for good. It knew if he wanted to last another 27 years, he needed to attack with all he had and in ways they wouldn’t even think of. “Bill. Bill look at me” a familiar voice, only to Bill, is calling to him “You’re not here Audra. You’re NOT here!” Bill closes his eyes to try and make the image disappear, he feels a soft warm hand caress his cheek. “Bill, I need you to come home. I miss you. You won’t make it out of here alive Bill.” Bill can’t help but open his eyes. He sees his wife standing in front of him. Bill knows this clown can disguise himself as anything, but she even smelt like her. “Bill, please. I know I’m not Beverly, and I can never be her for you. I know she’s what you really want. I never realized how much we looked alike until I got down here. You only married me for her, didn’t you? Do you even love me Bill?” a tear rolls down Bills cheek. “Oo-of cor-cor-course I-I Do!” his stutter hasn’t been this bad since that summer they first came down here. “You married me because you couldn’t have her? Didn’t you!” Bill shakes his head viciously “No!” Bill remembers as a child having a crush on Beverly Marsh and seeing them in the same room now, he can see the resemblance, but he loves Audra, and Audra is not this full of jealousy. “Au-Audra, I lo-love you.” She stands blankly in front of Bill “Then leave with me. Now.” This is the clown! “No!” Bill yells as he shoves Audra to the ground. “Bill! I, I think I’m hurt.” She tries to turn but a piece of wood is stuck in her side “Bill, I’m bleeding. Look what you did.” Usually, if it were the clown, it would have changed back after being injured, but this was still Audra. “Audra!” Bill runs toward her reaching out to lift her up as their fingers meet Audras hands turn into the claws from the clown Bill is shoved to the side, just being missed by Pennywise’s teeth. Mike takes the hit instead, though just a graze compared to what would have landed on Bill. “It’s not her!” Bill hears as he goes flying and Mike rolls next to him. “it’s not her Bill. You know that! Don’t let him get you.” Beverly and ben are trying to find things to attack it with. “Bevy. Bev-er-ly!” the clown is taunting her. “shut up you dumbass clown. You don’t scare me.” Bev says without looking away from the ground for sharp objects to pelt the monster with. “Bev.” She looks up and sees Ben in the grips of It. “Oh Bevy, you should have listened to your old man. No man will ever love you like he did. Not even FAT BOY!” Bev is frozen in fear, she wants to save Ben but doesn’t want him to get hurt. “Let him go! Let him go!” is all she can say “Bevy. Come to daddy.” The sound of her father’s voice echoes from behind her, sending a chill down her spine. “You’re dead.” She says as she turns to face him. “And so is that filthy pig boy you were going to let touch you.” Her father points behind her and Pennywise smiles. “So easy” the clown says with a giddy voice. “You get distracted so easy Beverly. You always were a daddy’s girl.” Bens lifeless body lies limp in the clowns grip, a chunk missing out of his side, exposing his ribs. Pennywise licks the blood dripping off of Ben. “So salty. You did this Bevy. All because daddy was more important than your new love. NOW HE’S DEAD.” Bev drops to her knees in tears, how could she let herself get so distracted how could she let Ben die? Bev, she hears an old echo of Ben’s voice. “Run, run while you can, before I EAT YOU TOO!” Bev, it’s not real. Listen Bev, come back to me. You did it once before come on! Bev can hear the sound of Ben’s voice, but she just saw his lifeless body, which reality does she believe? Bev stands up. “That’s not Ben.” The clown looks puzzled as he lifts his head from his continued meal of Ben’s body. “Nooo?” he asks curiously? “Take a closer look!” he throws Ben’s body at her landing right in front of her, the chunk missing from his side exposed his ribs cartilage hung from the bones. His hip was now expose as well, and the back-left half of his head, exposing his brain. Beverly cringed at the possibility of it being real, but she refused to believe it “No! it’s not him, and your mind games are failing you worse than they did 27 years ago!” the clown shrinks slightly, letting off a concerned quiver. “Ben!” Beverly closes her eyes trying to find her way back, when she feels to strong arms grab her shoulders “You’re back!” Ben wraps her in a hug. “I thought he had you for a second” Ben adds “Beverly buries her face into his chest gripping his side to make sure it was still there “Yeah, you too.” She steps back to look at him, making sure it is really him and not another trick. The corners of Ben’s mouth curves up “So that’s what you’re afraid of huh? Me being like the rest?” She shakes her head. “No, I know you could never. But I’m afraid I won’t know how to love you back, and I’ll lose you because of it.” Bens grin grows, showing his teeth and closing his eyes to take in the woman he loves. “Bev, I’ve waited 27 years, you have no idea the patience I have.” They both laugh, but reality sets in and they turn back to their friends. Mike is still helping Bill, as Bill can’t shake that Audra would ever think that way. The four of them make eye contact from across the room and meet up in the middle. “You okay?” Ben asks Bill “Yeah, I will be. Thanks to Mike.” Mike nods and places a hand on Bills shoulder “Don’t mention it buddy. At least, not till we’re all out of here.” All four of them nod in agreement. Ben and Bev share a look, they know they love each other and need to make it out so they can show it. “Where’s Richie?” Bill asks looking around. Eddie’s voice can be heard in the distance. “Richie! I got’em, I think I killed it for real this time!” They all share a look then run in the direction of Eddie’s voice. They all reach the scene just in time to see the clown spear Eddie through the chest as he lays over top of Richie. “It’s not real! It can’t be real!” Ben yells in anger. “It’s not! Look!” Bev points in the distance. The clown had Eddie locked in his deadlights, the real Eddie was suspended in the air eyes a solid bright white. He was bleeding, but only from his nose and the hole in his cheek from Bowers. Richie was lying on the ground “Richie.” Fake Eddie says Richie’s name with such sadness. “Eddie.” Richie replies. Had the other losers not seen real Eddie suspended in the air they would have thought it was real too. Bill and Mike run to save real Eddie and Bev and Ben run to Richie to try and snap him out of it. Pennywise is focused on his task at hand, destroying Richie, he was not looking to any of the other losers. “Rich! Come on man it’s not real. Eddie is fine!” Ben tries to yell into Richie’s ear to bring him back. Fake Eddie falls to the ground off of Its claw. Richie runs to Eddies side “Eddie!” he places his hand against Eddie’s cheek. “Rich, I have to tell you something.” Ben and Bev try to get closer, but the clown has realized they are there. Smashing his claw in front of them, forcing sharp spikes to appear in front of them “You saved each other, you can’t save this one. His secret will kill you ALL” Ben throws a piece of rock at the clown. “You can’t have him! Just like you can’t have US!” Pennywise laughs mocking “You can’t have him, like you can’t have us. FOOL. I already have you, you just taste better when your riddled with sadness along with fear.” Ben stares at Pennywise, he won’t this thing believe he fears it any longer, not when his friends are in danger. Without breaking eye contact he yells for Mike and Bill “Boys! You gotta get a move on over there!” Meanwhile Richie is still with Eddies dying body. “what is it Eds?” Eddie looks Richie in the eyes “I fucked your mom.” Richie knows he’s making the joke to try and make him laugh but Richie can’t laugh as he loses the love of his life, especially before he knows he loves him. Richie tries to muster the courage to tell him, at least before he dies, that he’s gay, and in love with the man dying in front of him. Mike and Bill finally get Eddie down, his eyes are still locked in the deadlights. “what do we do?!” Mike yells to Bill “Wh-what got Bev back?” they both remember the kiss then look to each other and know neither of them will be the one to bring him back. As far as they knew, no one could, not even his wife. They carry Eddie over to Ben and Bev “What do we do?” Bill asks. It’s in that moment Ben figures it out. Bill saw Audra, he hurt his true love and that was his biggest fear, Bevs fear was not being able to show her love for the person she desperately wanted to. Richie was seeing Eddie die. Eddie was his key. “We gotta get Richie out of it, they can only save each other. We’re fucked without them.” Ben and Bill run to Richie’s side. “Come on Rich, we gotta get the clown, we got to get the clown to save Eddie” Richie stands as fake Eddie closes his eyes, the rage boiling inside him he turns to the clown. Mike and Bev make their way toward the clown “Bev, hitting him isn’t the only way to make him feel small.” Bev and Mike start to berate the clown, still throwing things at him as they try to tear him down, Ben, Bill, and Richie make their way into the pack. The Losers, down two, make do with the five of them. Standing together screaming about the absence of fear, and how weak the clown is. “You’re a sloppy bitch!” Richie adds in. The clown tries at first to turn into the things they fear most, to use their nightmares against them. He cowered, defenselessly as he shrunk in size. It wasn’t long before it was all over. Richie still couldn’t tell the difference between worlds. Just because the clown was gone real Eddie was still in a daze, the deadlights were gone but Eddie himself was not back. Richie runs back to fake Eddie who is clearly dead. The losers try to pry him away from Eddie as all the walls fall in around them “I’m not leaving him!” Richie will be the death of them if they can’t get him away from imposter Eddie. “We got Eddie! We’ll carry him out. THIS ISN’T EDDIE!” Ben yells to Richie. Richie sees they don’t grab Eddie’s body and tries to run back; Mike and Bill pull Richie with them so they can all escape before everything crumbles around them. Ben and Bev make it out first, followed by Mike and Bill dragging Richie. “Noo!!!” Richie yells as he tries to claw his way back to the house. Richie drops to his knees in tears. “Rich.” Ben says softly, “I told you I wouldn’t leave him.” Richie turns in shock crawling over to Eddie’s body. “Eddie!” there’s no hole in his chest and now Richie realize what almost happened. His hidden love for Eddie was almost the death of all of his friends. “Eds.” Richie says again placing his hand back on to Eddie’s cheek as he always does. Ben softly explains “He was in the deadlights Rich. It had him caught in the deadlights so he could prey on your fear of losing him. Just like he made Bev see me dead, and Bill believing he hurt Audra.” Richie looks up at Ben with a puzzled look. Does he know? Do they all know? “Rich, remember when we were kids. Ben kisses me to bring me back?” Bev asks suggestively. “I… I can’t.” Richie replies with tears slowly streaming down his face. “Why?” they all ask in unison “That worked because you loved him back, Eddie doesn’t ... Eddie… It won’t work.” Ben grabs Richie’s shoulder turning him to be sure Richie was listening “When the clown was going after Bev, he didn’t completely stop me, he blocked me and tried to keep me away, but I was able to save her, and talk to her. But he had to make sure Eddie couldn’t get to you, make you see the true reality. There could only be one reason for that.” Bev leans in “What would it hurt to try?” Richie stares at both of them, then up to Bill and Mike. He wasn’t able to confess his love and sexuality on his own terms and that scared him more than the clown. He looks to them for more than just courage to kiss Eddie, but the acceptance, of them all knowing that is something he has wanted since they were younger. He found no judgment in his friend’s eyes. He found love, and hope, but some fear, fear that Richie couldn’t do it. Richie nods, he leans down over Eddie’s body staring at his face, the face he’s admired since a child. He closes his eyes and brings his lips gently against Eddie’s, lingering for just a moment, then pulling back. “Eds?” All the losers stare hoping for Eddie to come back. He doesn’t move. Richie’s shoulders drop in defeat. “NO! No, that’s not right. He loves you, you’re the key to bring him back” Bill yells as he steps away. Beverly looks to her newfound love “Ben, when it had me stuck, and I thought you were dying, you called to me, talked to me. Maybe, maybe that’s what Eddie needs.” Ben and Bev look back to Richie. “Talk to him Rich, tell him everything you’ve wanted to, but were too afraid to say out loud.” Bev says to Richie as she stands next to Ben “We’ll give you some space.” The four other losers make their way to the quarry to give Richie and Eddie time together, worst case scenario Eddie really is gone, and it’s Richie’s right to have time with him alone. Richie lifts Eddie’s head into his lap, “Eds, I have to tell you something… I love you. I’ve loved you for 27 years. When I said I threw up when Mike called? It wasn’t because of the clown… It was you Ed. I wasn’t sure I could see you again, knowing the danger we were going into. I wanted to tell you. I was going to, before we had to fight it. But, but you mentioned a wife. I figured that was my answer without having to out myself. There’s no reason to be out if the only guy I love wasn’t going to have me. You’re the only one I want Eds, the only one. And if you don’t come back right fucking now” Richie holds Eddie tight against him as he begins to cry. Eddie’s body twitches slightly, Richie pulls back because he’s not sure if it was his own shudder or really Eddie. Richie examines all of Eddies body hoping to see something, anything for hope. Eddie’s fingers twitch and his eyes blink. “Ed! Eddie! Hey buddy can you hear me?” Richie yells with excitement. Eddie is not fully back, but he is starting to respond. Richie gets an idea and it makes his entire face light up. “Okay baby, hang on.” Richie picks up Eddie and carries him to lovers bridge. It’s a long walk and Richie is exhausted, but he refuses to give you. The whole walk their Richie replays memories out loud for Eddie to hear “Remember when you said fuck germs just so we could share an ice cream, or when we shared the hammock, I’ve loved you since then buddy, I have. Remember, remember when I wanted to help your arm, but you didn’t want me to touch you.” Richie chuckles as he thinks back to little Eddie yelling “DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME” it wasn’t funny in the moment, but it’s funny now. Richie gently places Eddie against the wooden railing next to a bunch of old carvings. “Okay.” Richie says taking a deep breath, “This, this isn’t something I ever planned to share with you unless I had the balls to admit I loved you, and you somehow reciprocated. I did this Ed.” Richie points as he reads it out loud “R+E I did this that summer Eds, I did this after I was scared away from the arcade, I knew it was true and I knew I loved you. No matter how much that clown scared me, you knowing and not loving me back, scared me more.” Richie stares at the faded carving, and pulls out a pocketknife to freshen it up, making it as deep as he can. “If you don’t wake up Eddie, just know I’ll always love you just as much as I always have. R+E” Richie finishes up fixing the E making it deep and prominent, as he brushes away the shavings, he feels something touch his arm. He looks down to see Eddie trying to reach for his arm. “Eddie!” Richie screams with excitement and reaches for Eddie, who winces in pain. “Rich.” Eddie says weakly. “What is it?” Rich asks “I… look.” Eddie tries to lift his arm to point but he falls short “The heart Rich.” Richie looks at the bridge “Yeah bud, there’s a lot of those.” Eddie huffs in exhaustion “With the R asshole.” Richie sees it as Eddie says it. “I loved you too. Still do.” Richie places his hand over the heart he starts to sob thinking of everything he almost lost. “Ya’know Eds. I thought your last words were going to be ‘I fucked you mom’ and that was going to suck.” Eddie half laughs “Well, one that wasn’t me, so it doesn’t count.” Richie smiles and says “Right, and what’s two then?” Eddie smiles leaning his head back against the bridge “Two. Two is I fucking love you idiot. Now kiss me.” Richie stares at him “Should... should I take my shirt off first?” Eddie starts to laugh but it’s painful “Sorry.” Richie says as he leans in to kiss the man he’s always loved. This time Eddie responds and presses his lips back against Richie’s. Richie pulls back to see Eddie smiling “How’s that for a first kiss.” Richie adverts his eyes “Actually… it’s our second. I tried to do the Ben thing, but it didn’t work.” Eddie looks confused so Richie explains “Maybe it was because I was supposed to kiss your mouth not your-“ Eddie interrupts him “You didn’t?!” Richie laughs “Of course not! I barely had the balls to kiss you in front of everyone.” Eddie is confused again “Wait, in front of everyone?” Richie nods “Yeah, apparently Ben knew we were both gay the whole time, him and Bev were trying to convince me you would survive if I kissed you.” Eddie looks concerned “What about Mike and Bill?” Richie smiles “Nothing but support from all the losers.” Eddie visibly becomes less tense, “That’s, that’s good… Where is everyone now?” Richie shrugs “well when the kiss didn’t work, we all figured you were dead, so they left me to be alone with you dead body.” Eddies fury comes to a head making Richie realize he really is back, alive, and almost well. “WHAT THE FUCK?! THEY WEREN’T GOING TO SAY GOODBYE!” Richie can’t help but laugh. “Let’s get you up so you can go yell at them in person.” Richie stands then leans down to scoop Eddie up from under his shoulder “Were you always this strong.” Eddie asks, “Only when I’m trying to show off.” Richie replies. Eddie smiles as they hold eye contact, he reaches up and kisses Richie again. Richie smiles into the kiss which makes Eddie smile, they are soon just standing teeth against teeth neither moving. “Come on baby, I want to show off my save to those losers.” Eddie smiles “I can’t believe they all know were gay.” They both laugh as they make their way to quarry. Richie approaches first “Hey guys.” He says flatly to his friends who are playing in the water. They all stop as they see him standing alone. “Rich...” Bev says devastatingly. Richie nods as if to answer all of their pending questions “So turns out I’m gay.” They all half smile, knowing he only felt the need to tell them himself since they all already knew. “Rich-“ Bill starts but is interrupted by another man “Yeah, me too apparently.” Eddie comes from around a tree, bracing himself against it. All the losers are in shock “Eddie!” Ben yells and they all pile out of the water to greet the friend they thought they had lost. “Easy guys! He’s still hurt!” Richie says defensively. Eddie smiles at Richie with thankful eyes. Mike comes up to Richie, placing an arm around his shoulder “So when’s the wedding?” Richie laughs “After the divorce.” Mike walks over to hug Eddie and Richie trails behind. “To think we all almost died cause this guy was too chicken to say he loved me.” Eddie jokes “You’re kidding right? Guys he carved a heart into lovers bridge with an R in it years ago. R for Richie!” All the losers laugh and playfully mock Eddie as the two new lovers make eye contact again Eddie trying to look mad but it’s not working and Richie smiling ear to ear. “This is how this is gonna be Rich?” Eddie asks, trying to pretend to be annoyed but failing “You know it babe.” They smile at each other softly, knowing they didn’t just defeat the damn clown, but they defeated their biggest fears and because of it, get to have each other.

As sensitive as he's always been, Crockett has a good handle on his reactions. He's a trauma surgeon. Sometimes surgeries smell bad. Ones on bowels? They're awful, have him reeling afterwards and trying not to throw up. And working the ED, he gets a lot of strong smells off patients and their families. Distress, fear, pain. They're to be expected, and although it's strong, Crockett has taken to finding ways to keep himself from getting too overwhelmed and hurting himself. 

For one, he takes inhibitors to corral his own scent. It's strong, he knows, and he'd prefer not to scare his patients with it. But he also has a monthly order of menthol that he keeps in his locker to rub under his nose on days when he gets overwhelmed. And having Ethan or Noah groom him in the break room is pretty helpful too. He's been doing this a long time and he's okay, he's capable of working through it. Like that woman whose uterus was ruptured in a forced c-section, she had reeked of distress and blood. So much that it made him dizzy. But he applied some menthol and worked through it.

This is different. 

He can smell it before he even gets into the OR, even with a thick layer of menthol trying to protect him. When he actually walks in, it's like being punched in the face. Immediately Crockett gags and takes a step back, but there's nowhere to go and no one to replace him. He has to do this. His patient's life depends on it. 

So he tries to ignore the smell as best as he can, cutting beneath the dead tissue to find something, anything that's still alive and salvageable. This young woman has a future. She can't die, certainly not because Crockett is weak and unable to push through a little discomfort to do his job. He's been through worse, he tells himself. It's a lie. But he keeps going until it's too late. Until he can't save her and she flatlines on his table. Until he declares her legally dead. He tries, he tries to stay and be respectful. He can't. The reek of dead tissue, combines with the way death wafts off her and the smell of it all clinging to his clothes- it's too much. 

He practically runs out of the room, pulling off his surgical protection and throwing it away. He's going to be sick. He's going to be sick, and there may be tears in his eyes when he reaches the bathroom and drops to his knees in front of a toilet to retch. That scent doesn't help. He throws up until his body is empty and it's just dry heaves, and then washes his face, his hands. Everyone will be able to smell it on him. He wants to go home. 

Going home isn't an option.

Crockett looks at himself in the mirror. He’s visibly shaking, his cheeks are flushed, and he can tell that his jaw is a little swollen with irritation. But it’s fine. He needs to look after his patients, whatever the personal cost. It doesn’t matter that he can barely handle the smell of the infection. He’s fine.

Before he really has the opportunity to calm down, there’s another patient in need of his attention, with the same disease eating them alive. Crockett covers his face with his hands for a moment before running back to the lounge to apply another layer of cold menthol like it can protect him. He just needs to stay calm, and everything is going to be alright. The next patient’s infection is in the arm, not yet breaking skin. But still, it permeates the air, and before he even starts, Crockett knows he won’t be able to save this man’s arm. But he tries, he still tries, because he has no other choice. Even as the smell makes him sick, even as he feels like he might pass out, he keeps going because that’s the sort of doctor, the sort of person, that he is.

After this surgery, he gets sick again. He can’t help it. He’s overwhelmed and it hurts and his usual methods to get through this aren’t enough. He can’t do this, and just thinking about the smell makes him dry heave over the sink again. And Crockett knows, if he mentions this to anyone, he’ll be sent home, possibly with a medication he doesn’t want to treat “hysteria” he doesn’t have. 

Crockett steels himself to walk back out of the safety of the bathroom, only to immediately bump into Noah. Noah, who doesn’t smell like death, but reassurance and pine trees and other natural, safe things. He grabs onto Noah’s white coat and inhales deeply for the first time today, letting his lungs fill free of the reek of all the death.

“You good, Dr. Marcel?”

He swallows hard. He doesn’t want to say it. “I may need you to take over some surgeries today, do you think you could handle that?”

“I- well, if you think I’m ready to-”

“Yes or no, Sexton.”

Noah nods. “I’d be happy to. Just- are you feeling okay? You seem a little…”

“Don’t finish that sentence.”

But Crockett still tilts his head to the side slightly, enough to count as an invitation. Immediately, Noah cups the back of his head gently and noses along Crockett’s jaw. He has to be able to smell the distress, but doesn’t say a word. Instead, he replaces the scent with his own, strong enough for Crockett to be able to smell it on himself and start to put him at ease for the first time today. Noah’s good at that. Comfort. He makes Crockett feel calm, like he can take care of himself. Ethan just makes him feel safe and protected, taken care of. It’s a different sort of love, from a different sort of Alpha. He doesn’t know which he needs more today, but at least he can breathe a little better now.

“I’ll take care of the surgeries, just- just let me know if you need anything else, okay?”

Crockett nods and sends a message to Goodwin before going to the lounge and sitting down. He hates giving up, but he can’t keep doing this. Just thinking about it makes him want to vomit again. God, he’s so weak. He wonders for the briefest of moments if this is evidence that he’s unfit to be a surgeon like everyone has always said. 

But then Ethan arrives, and takes a seat beside him. Fresh baked bread, a hint of spice- comforting scents that dance over him and make him feel less afraid for his job after stepping out for, at minimum, a break. There’s no touch, but there’s reassurance.

“Noah said you asked him to cover for you.”

Crockett nods and shifts to give a little more space between them. He knows he carries the rotting scent of death, a handful of his own distress, and the fresh scent of Noah’s marking. Although he’s not sure how sensitive Ethan’s own nose is, he’d be a fool not to recognize that it’s all well within detection. 

“A couple of your team also had to step out,” Ethan says. “It’s okay to need a break, or to go home. Maggie couldn’t handle more than the first patient, remember?”

There’s no good response. Crockett wishes it wasn’t so hard. But he’s at least starting to calm down, with the aid of space from the OR and Noah’s comfort, and it’ll be better once he can go home and settle, but in the meanwhile, he’s here. Here and drowning. But then Ethan reaches out to him and takes his hand, gentle in contrast to the callouses built up by hard work. A military man, through and through, something that shows on every part of him, down to the roughness of his palms. 

Ethan leans toward him, nudges his jaw in permission, but Crockett just turns away. Noah helped. He’s afraid that anything more will push him further toward screaming and never stopping. At least Ethan doesn’t push, and instead gets to his feet with a hand extended. 

“I’ll drive you home, okay?”

That does sound better than taking public transport like this, in the middle of an outbreak. He’d be able to smell the sickness on anyone within ten feet once he’s out of the hospital crowding him in it. Ethan’s car will be better. It always smells like Ethan and air freshener, and the vents help keep him from getting too overwhelmed.

So he heads outside, into bright fresh air that doesn’t clutter him with blood, and goes to Ethan’s car, a hand on the small of his back to guide him the entire way. He’ll admit, he’s fairly grateful for the touch, and it helps to not be alone. He’s just dreading what comes when he’s left on his own again with nothing but memories and terrible smells that cling to his skin. It’ll take four showers in strip soap at least to put a dent in it.

But he’s safe for now, surrounded by Ethan and coated in Noah, enough to at least make it through his showers before crawling into bed and falling into the heaviest sleep he can manage.