I pretty much need everyone who knows damn well I have chronic fatigue conditions to stop commenting on how long I’m asleep for and what times I wake up. Even if its “just joking” it really pisses me off

PEOPLE THINK I'M BISEXUAL IRL APPARENTLY. CRIED.

This is long and rambling, sorry. If you can stick with it and can make any sort of heads or tails of it and have any insight or advice, that'd be greatly appreciated. Please no syscourse. Please no anti-endo unless you're willing to leave it at the door and give genuine help. Thanks!

Does anyone have a good way to differentiate facets and headmates? We feel like we (excluding those in the parative part of the system, like Kaisa and Aoryn) share some qualities of both. We thought we were just facets, but we can sometimes talk to each other (mostly when co-con), have some emotional/memory amnesia (it's mostly when switching and is like when you walk into a room and forget what you were doing. Kinda like a soft-reset, but now I think and feel slightly different and have different opinions and motivations), and just don't have a clear idea of where a facet is individual enough to be considered a headmate.

We can often be co-conscious and possibly even co-front at this point. It's all so confusing and it keeps evolving. It's hard to differentiate who's who and who's fronting. We tried using Simply Plural for a while with some success, but it's so hard to figure stuff out and remember and also everything feels inconsistent. We do have a chronic illness (severe ME/CFS) that impacts our memory and neurological functions so that's probably part of it.

It seems as if this is all getting worse and more complicated as time goes on. Could being aware of being plural add to it? Could it just be getting worse on its own? Could it just be that now I'm aware of it so I notice it all? We really don't like things in our life to be all that complicated and this is turning into something kinda uncomfortable, alarming, and energy-draining.

Also, we thought we were endo at first (still think the paragenic system is, HOWEVER it was formed as a tool to help cope with trauma, but just consciously so, so idk.), but then the whole median system popped up afterwards and we don't know how or why or if it came as a result of "opening the door"(allowing myself to form those neuropathways and even considering the concepts of plurality and learning more about it) by creating the paragenic system. We just wanna know what's going on and how to make everything go as smoothly as possible.

- ?

I do feel kinda bitter over AG though because of all those things you mentioned since i cant look at AM the same way for not having a lot of those things

I can get that. I feel a little similarly. Overall I like AM more because it really delved into Dimitri’s trauma, but AG definitely handled the Blue Lions’ friendships better. What I didn’t like about AM’s characterizations for Sylvain and Felix in AM is that despite five years having passed, they didn’t mature nearly as much as they should have. In comparison, AG was only two years of a timeskip and it felt a lot more fleshed out with their characters. Ingrid was on a lesser scale, but she definitely got the better end of characterization in AG.

In part I think this is also because the writers have had time to decide on some things. When they made Houses, it was a new game. With Hopes they were working with pre-existing characters, so it was probably a lot easier to flesh them out and change their behavior. It just feels weird to look back at Sylvain from a five year skip and see that he hardly changed, but with a two year skip in an AU he’s a much more mature and composed version of himself.

AG also gives us the possibility of having Rodrigue to the end, and I’m wondering if that was a decision the writers made because they saw how he was received and decided to swap his position in the story with Gilbert who was a less popular character. Having the possibility of losing him is like a callback to AM, but we at least have the option this time. There’s also the chance for us to get supports for him with the characters that needed to be more fleshed out in their relationships with him.

Granted, in AM Rodrigue died because that was the final nail in the coffin for Dimitri’s mental state. He needed to have that moment where he gave up entirely and stopped caring about everything, planning to just go out and kill Edelgard or die trying. Byleth was also able to prevent it because they spoke with Rodrigue the night prior and could bring Dimitri to his senses through what they learned when speaking with Rodrigue. In that sense I think it was too important of a scene to leave out, because if not Rodrigue, I don’t believe any other death could have impacted his story to reach that point.

For example, in Ailell Dimitri behaves the same way to everyone around him. When they meet up with Rodrigue, that’s when his manner of speech starts to waver and he is, for the first time in five years, scolded and essentially told to shut up and listen. With Rodrigue being, as Dimitri literally says pre-skip, a second father to him, he didn’t treat that situation as he would have with anyone else, ending it with referring to Rodrigue as his friend (which is more than he did for anyone else by that point, too paranoid and being unconvinced that everyone wasn’t his enemy. The one person he knew would never be his enemy was Rodrigue).

Since the stories are vastly different in both games I do get why things were altered. Going back to AM will just be unfortunate that Rodrigue fans can no longer use him as a playable unit or get all the character lore we got in AG (which was a whole lot tbh for the parent generation, as well as his relationships with the people around him). We also have things like Gilbert coming back to the Kingdom much sooner and thus mending his family relationships, bringing back the old Gustave who is fiercely protective of his family to the point he won’t tolerate any enemy laying a single finger on his daughter and brother. I love seeing him in SB as an enemy and getting to see how aggressive he really is when someone tries to harm his family. To me that shows us who he used to be before Duscur.

I guess in the sense of like, for the sake of fanfics I’ll probably love keeping both stories in mind and mixing the two for things like characterization. Like I said, I understand that they were reusing already established characters so it was much easier to create new situations and improve the characters (to which tbh I’d say was usually hit or miss, like how I can’t even begin to imagine what they were thinking when writing Caspar for Hopes but they did so, so good writing for Lorenz).

Really I guess it’s just kind of what happens when they use existing characters and improve upon them when the original story was already so good. I’m going to hate going back and not having all the Rodrigue content because he’s one of my favorite characters in the franchise itself. On the other hand I’ll like returning to all the sides of Dimtri’s character, because having that aspect of such severe mental illness I think is really important to use in media, particularly in our modern day where that’s a big and largely important topic in our society. While I’d say they also made the attempt with Takumi in Fates, at this point Fates is not a very well loved game and due to how it was handled overall, I think a lot of the attempt at mental illness and suicidal behavior went over people’s heads due to of how poorly the rest of the game was received by players (and admittedly the writing wasn’t nearly as clear with Takumi as it was with Dimitri).

Houses kind of has the vibes of like... a whole lot of “what if” situations that AG used to show the answers of that. SB is more of like... another rendition of Edelgard’s story with not much changed except that we get to actually fight Thales instead of the characters defeating TWS post game. GW is the total opposite of VW, so rather than creating it as a “what if” timeline like AG it’s more of a “what if they went the opposite path they took in VW”. AG focuses more on the possibilities that existed in AM and builds upon those, rather than SB’s choice of the same route but handled differently and GW’s choice of seeing what it would look like if VW was turned on its head (no upside pun intended...).

Technically it’s not bad in and of itself for them to have written SB and GW in those ways, and that’s not to say AG is just absolutely the best because of it. It comes down to personal preference and I saw a lot of people saying the same thing that they see SB as more of a retelling but altered CF, which at that point it’s up to the individual if they prefer the new or the old. GW’s plot in and of itself wasn’t an issue, but it was the treatment of its characters and how the plot wasn’t focused on the characters but instead focused on altering its characters to the plot instead of the characters being what made the plot (ex. AM being written to follow Dimitri, not Dimitri written to follow AM).

Following that thought too, AG follows the formula of its characters being the story itself because in SB and GW, the characters go here and there and everywhere and they’re dragged along. In AG if you try to suggest that you go west during a civil conflict, you’re basically told no, we can’t afford to do that and have to stay here where we already are to deal with this problem and we can head west after that. You’re in one place and kept in that place until the conflict is resolved, rather than being pulled west and then having to go back to where you already were.

In some ways I guess you could say AG was written too well, because now when we go back to AM we’re missing all those improvements on the writing. I do prefer chapter 19 to chapter, what is it, 9 or 10? with the way Claude allied with Dimitri because it felt way more natural in AM and was rooted in a trust that was forcibly finnicky in AG because they were trying to sneak in concepts of GW Claude and how he wasn’t someone people ordinarily trusted. Instead of writing him as just a different path Claude, they tried to keep aspects of him that applied to very different routes and it wound up feeling wonky. AM was much more rewarding, and even more so because Gronder had already happened. Comparably, AG Dimitri and Claude had not even fought each other and yet everyone except Dimitri (and presumably Seteth and Rhea based on the dialogue when they all met up) was highly distrusting of him and treating him like he was some infamous slimy plotter who was going to jeopardize something. It was very forced and kept trying to nudge at GW/SB Claude, so for me that was extremely awkward to see considering in AM, nobody really highly distrusted Claude when he asked for aid. They’d never even fought or had problems in AG, but for some reason most of the cast didn’t want to trust him.

Regarding Thales though, for sure AG did handle it way better. I don’t really like Edelgard’s story in the second half of AG since I prefer AM’s ending for Edelgard (and it makes more sense because she was hellbent on fighting to the end, even if her path killed her. Dimitri gave her a final chance to end it alive, but she willingly chose her death and for her that could’ve been a matter of pride which is more in line with her character, but AG took her character away entirely so that just wasn’t a possibility). Thales imo should’ve been the final boss in AM too, having escaped as Arundel in chapter 19 and fighting the Kingdom later on. Considering how deeply rooted in Dimitri’s entire backstory Thales is, it’s kind of insane to me that he wasn’t the final boss. He has the least connection to Claude but is the second to final boss in VW instead.

For me the perfect ending would’ve been like... a mix between the two, where Dimitri had to come to his senses because Rodrigue almost died but he survives just barely. Perhaps he can’t fight for the rest of the war, thus rendering him unplayable as a unit and making sense as to why he couldn’t be playable from beginning to end. Sylvain, Ingrid and Felix would have grown into who they became in AG when you get to the five year timeskip in AM. Obviously Dedue would keep his story about saving Dimitri with others from Duscur, but then maybe soldiers from Duscur continue to fight with the Kingdom army the way they do in AG. We’d have AM’s version of the Alliance getting the Kindgom’s aid, and we’d have Thales escape as Arundel but fight the combined armies later on. Maybe while they were allied, the Kingdom gets news that people from the Alliance, maybe even Holst, located TWS’ base (since they’re near Goneril territory I think?). Since they were basically one big army, Dimitri could defeat Edelgard as we know their battle to happen in AM, but then they could travel to the Alliance territories with the war being over now and from there, fight Thales and have Dimitri learn the truth. Maybe Rodrigue joins as an NPC in the final battle so that he can be present against Thales, even if he’s not fully recovered because he feels he has to be there since it’s the battle for the truth that he’s been waiting on since he lost his best friend and son.

Whether or not Nemesis would be at the very very end idk, but I think Thales at least should’ve been the final or second to final boss like how he was the latter for VW. I think it would also be nice if Claude hadn’t left right away and instead joined the joint armies, even if just as an NPC since in this case you’d be traveling through the Alliance to fight TWS, and since they’re in Alliance territory I think it would make sense for the Alliance to be much more invested in that fight. It would give Claude the truth he’d be seeking in VW, thus giving a nod to his story in his route, and would give Dimitri and everyone else the truth about Duscur. It would be a complete story imo that way with all loose ends tied up, and if they had Duscur soldiers show up with Dedue in the timeskip then they’d be there too maybe as some NPCs in the final battle, so their story would be concluded too with the truth proving their innocence. Imo it would be a perfect way to resolve the whole Duscur storyline.

I know they were probably going for an imperfect ending in AM in the sense that we can’t have everything, but the only problem with the way they wrote that out was that Duscur was the focal point of AM. At the very least I think they should’ve tied up that entire story from beginning to end, concluding it with everyone learning the truth and Faerghus finally being able to heal when the truth gets around that Duscur’s people didn’t kill their king. Not only do the characters we’re familiar with have resolution, but the actual story we’ve followed right from the start is finished in full.

The problem with ending it with Edelgard for AM is that Edelgard... wasn’t really the true enemy of AM as a route. She was Dimitri’s personal enemy and conflict and he would have to fight her if he was going to end her war, but with the way the actual plot goes, Edelgard should have been AM’s penultimate battle, exactly like how Dimitri is CF’s penultimate battle before she reaches her actual enemy and goal, Rhea. Edelgard’s war was most specifically against Rhea, thus why her route made Rhea the final battle and not Dimtiri. AM should’ve followed that same formula, because Edelgard’s overall gripes weren’t Dimitri himself. Similarly, Dimitri’s story and the plot itself was centered around Duscur and the truth, which defeating Edelgard doesn’t solve a single part of. It concludes Dimitri’s personal arc with his step sister, but it resolves absolutely none of the plot of AM. While it resolves a character arc within the plot, the plot itself remains unfinished.

Like I said, I get the whole idea that we can’t get a perfect ending, but in this situation I don’t think it’s even about a “perfect” ending anymore. You could argue that this ending still should be present even if Rodrigue still died. AG is in a better position for the plot because it actually thoroughly explores the true plot of Dimitri’s background as a character. AM is a character centric ending, but AG is a plot centric ending, and I hate that we don’t get both in either of them. We either get a very good character heavy story, or we don’t get the full depth of the characters (ex Dimitri’s mental state not really being a problem in AG and is only sometimes given a nod to) and have a completed plot.

Hence, I feel like for fic’s sake and headcanon’s sake I like to think there’s more to the point of the Alliance fighting alongside the Kingdom as one army and that the plot related final battle would be against at least Thales if not Nemesis (since Nemesis himself isn’t relevant to AM’s plot or any of the characters, but Thales is deeply involved in multiple characters’ lives). Also, it could maybe give resolution to Dimitri’s personal story with Edelgard, learning that Arundel was killed and that was why he stopped donating, and realizing why Edelgard changed so much post her stay in the Kingdom. Just a final battle against Thales alone would conclude both the story and character plots and make a full, true ending. AG technically has a full, true ending to its story since Edelgard wasn’t in a position to continue her war, so whether she lived or died becomes irrelevant at that point since what happened to her, whether we enjoyed that aspect or not, did resolve that particular conflict. In that sense, yeah, AG solved pretty much everything in one shot.

So yeah, I totally get why you feel bitter about it. AG had an actually conclusive plot while AM was just left hanging as an incomplete story. CF was “complete”, i.e. TWS was defeated post game, and VW was a fully complete story. Instead in Hopes, GW is left a huge question mark and incomplete and SB is still basically complete unless Edelgard continued her war for conquest, so that one is more like... complete(?), with that question mark being necessary. AG is basically complete, since what happens to Edelgard doesn’t really affect the plot which was finished.

Considering TWS is the center of AM’s entire backstory and Dimitri’s most intense trauma, you’d think that would be much more important to the story in AM and that Edelgard wouldn’t be the end of the game. I wish they were still making DLC or updates or something for Houses, because it would be so great if they added that as a late attachment to AM (like how, if you know Tales of Graces, the game ended up releasing and then re-releasing with an entire post game arc added, though in that case it was more of a remake because it was titled differently, adding “F” to the end of the title to indicate there was an addition to the game and changes made/added).

had my appointment at the pain clinic and it was really weird? i couldn’t tell if the doctor took me seriously or not bc at first he was like why are you in a wheelchair?? why is it electric?? because “you’re not paralyzed as i can tell”. i was already so upset by this but then he was also nice ??????? and tried to be understanding and told me i might have fibromyalgia but he also didn’t talk about any diagnostic procedures? um. and then he also didn’t know about me/cfs and told me i need to start moving more and he can’t help me if i don’t start moving which is a literally death sentence if you have me/cfs? but then he advised me to another doctor who’s specialized in me/cfs (supposedly) and other things so i’m really confused now

I cannot lift my head without bouts of nausea.

ah. huh. hopping around through random old posts of mine and found one [recording] my side effects from the covid vaccine, and I mentioned that my skin hurt about a day in. I distinctly remember repeatedly complaining when I got covid proper that my skin hurt. so I think that adds evidence to the notion that I have an adverse reaction to my covid antibodies. (which unfortunately adds weight to the notion that I Really Should Not Get Boosted Ever.)

(other things that contribute: it was the viral vector so there was very little in common in the foreign matter between the vaccine and the infection - I reported back 5 weeks later saying I was still just as fragile as day 3, so all of the foreign matter was long gone but it was not an Actual Infection so it can't've done the long covid blood vessel shit)

“Take my mind and take my pain…”

“Like an empty bottle takes the rain. And heal, heal, heal….” (“Heal” by Tom Odell)

Nighttime is my favourite time of the day. Being surrounded by this natural darkness and silence (not in the way, in which I have to “mute” the world all day long by shutting the blinds and wearing noise cancelling headphones to avoid being overstimulated) makes me feel…safe. Almost content.

In some nights, I’m even strong enough to leave my room, so I can sit outside on my balcony, enjoying a fresh breeze on my face. The world is silent, there’s no car on the streets and all I see, is the Moselle glistening in the moonlight in front of me. Finally feeling human again…

During the phases of my crashes, I can’t even step outside to my balcony. Sometimes I’m desperate enough to crawl outside, when my legs are refusing to do their goddamn job even with the help of my cane! In these moments, I’m glad to be alone…without any witnesses to my humiliation.

Last night was a lost night. I passed out…again. It scares me to hell that these moments are happening more often nowadays. All I know, is that I sat down on my bed…crying from exhaustion and pain. And hours later, when I’m coming back to consciousness, I’m still in the same sitting position. There are proofs in my room, that my children must have been here…proofs like a drawing lying next to me on my bed…a plushie sitting on my coffee table, watching over me. And I know that my kids will tell me, that I didn’t wake up…no matter what they tried to do.

Yesterday a friend of mine wanted to visit me in order to enjoy a cup of tea with me in the darkness of my room. I was so excited to see her…to have someone here for a little while…to feel less lonely for a moment. My body ached so badly and my exhaustion felt like a truck, who was parking on me…so I passed out whilst I was waiting for my friend to come over. When I came back to senses, there were several text messages and several calls from her. She was upset, that I didn’t hear the doorbell, both of my phones and her knocking on the door. So, after a while, she left…and all what’s left for me is a feeling of being a total failure…a pathetic shadow of myself.

There’s still no cure for ME/CFS…and no one knows, if there’d ever be one. All I can do, is trying different things, and yet…nothing helped me. With each new crash I’m falling deeper into the void of darkness and despair. Each new crash takes its toll on me…takes a piece of me away! I’m so afraid of losing myself completely!

When I commissioned my friend @sleepybradipo for this meaningful piece of art, I begged him to make the trust between Severus and Julia - but also their despair - palpable. They’re searching for a way to heal Jules…to cure her body and her soul. Maybe the answer lies in the Dark Arts…who knows? These lovers will try anything possible in order to save her…just like I wished to be saved.

Ivano, when I got the idea for this project, I just knew, that you would be the best artist to make my dream come true. Your tender style makes my heart swell with so much love and gratitude. I adore your work and the dedication to all these marvellous details in this artwork…it’s everything, I hoped to see, when I described my idea to you. Thank you for helping me to soothe my troubled heart and mind with your beautiful art and your kind words. I’m beyond grateful that I met you here, my friend. You’re truly a blessing to me. Thank you for everything. 🥹

Oh, and please take my apologies for this chaotically worded post. My disease seems to rob the next piece of me by stealing my ability to create vivid images with my phrases (I already mentioned that in my last post).

I’m sharing my nocturnal view with you. Feel free to enjoy the Moselle at night.

🖤Severus & Julia🖤

🖤Sevy & Jules🖤

Rant time!

I have just finished watching Catching Fire after rereading the Catching Fire book and???? WHERE IS PEETA. Where is Peeta the whole time in this movie? He just kind of sits there with quizzical looks on his face. I get it, it’s a long story to condense into 2h26min, but. Peeta is such a central character in this book. I’m upset.

I may be overfangirling this but if I didn’t know the story I guess I’d be really confused as to why Katniss wanted Peeta to be the one who lives so badly. I just feel like he wasn’t given much depth in the CF movie. Which is weird considering I think the movies did a pretty good job with that in THG. Peeta is so brilliant, kind and present this entire book.

On top of that, Katniss and Peeta don’t really seem to share what is going on, or even support each other that much. Aside from the scene where Peeta’s heart stops, which is very good, they feel distant. When they talk on the beach, it feels off. Why do you even need him, movie!Katniss? You look like coworkers or something. Weird. Where is everlark understanding and leaning on each other so much that Katniss wouldn’t risk Peeta removing his goddamn makeup in his own room because they might lock him away from her for the night? You know what I mean?

And what’s with Katniss kissing Gale before the reaping, while he’s fully awake and well? That is substantially different from kissing him when he was passed out and wishing him to not remember it the day after. (not me whining because evethorne got this and we didn't get the picnic scene)

What irks me the most about all of this is: why? I’m pretty sure it was of knowledge when the movie was made that Peeta mattered quite a lot to the story and to Katniss - because if he didn’t, if he was just some cute teammate with a crush on her, who she gives only one and a half fuck about - none of it would have happened. No berries, no defiance, no Snow using Peeta to hurt the Mockingjay and deeply as he could. No reason to have hope, no dandelion. No revolution!

With Peeta, I feel like this movie stripped him down to ill assorted bit of the love triangle. Which is not only annoying, but downright Capitol level of treating love as marketing. And stupid, because, as I hinted above, the books where already fully out, right? Before rewatching CF, I was just talking to a friend who hasn't read the books and she said - oh, I didn't think Katniss actually liked Peeta, thought it was just the shared trauma. Yes. That's what it looked like in this movie. And not because they were trying to not focus on love, because they've amped the love triangle thing up. So I don't get it. Why do you always have to take a nice character and treat them like less just because they’re nice? (Ron Weasley I'm talking about you) Tell me, am I exaggerating? Do I just love Peeta too much?

Sometimes I think about that animated scene before the final Terumi fight in cf. Specifically the Trinity part. When Terumi notices Hakumen with the hihiirokane and Trinity's spirit there. Terumi curses her specifically and she just stares back at him and silently fades away again. There's a kind of energy I can't really describe v well to it without sounding silly but like I Feel Things About It.

Like Hakumen is incredibly important here he has the Fuck You Blade. But ">:( You damn four eyes!!!" 👁️ Like oh ok I get it(<- Misinterpreting it on purpose).

But it's that Trinity doesn't look...angry, for me. She doesn't look at him with clear hatred to me. Stern, yeah, but not Upset. Which is, like, the expected expression. To look at this man with contempt, who killed you and people you cared about, hurt even more after that, while wearing the same face of someone you love. Like maybe some disgust or maybe even a little "🖕😂✌️" because he DEFINITELY deserves that. But it's just not there imo.

Instead, it's just pretty neutral...and quiet. She's already said all she could've and needed to say to him over their last several confrontations. She's done her part to help end him. There is nothing else that needs to happen here from her. Just staring and silence. Other things I wanna say but ieeeeeeeee maybe another post.

well.

the appointment with the CMH (community mental health) doctor was really really shit. to put it lightly.

she said lots of bad and wrong things like saying that i have no sign of infection so i don't have ME/CFS (which is just not how that works).

she also made a bunch of assumptions about my life and experiences based from very scattered (and often inaccurate or just unrelated) medical notes. and tried to tell me my life story and how my FND is caused based from that which was all just completely wrong.

she also said that because i have FND "there is no reason you are not talking and walking". which was what made me so upset that i ran (/crawled fast) upstairs and had a meltdown crying and hit the floor really really hard (hand still hurts ouch).

me not talking is NOT from FND. it's from autism (plus regression, which is still a part of my autism for me). life long experience of communication struggle and language issue and body not in my fucking control. and she completely disregarded my autism basically and saying i have no communicating problems even though that is such a HUGE HUGE part of my life.

also she said that i am "medicalised" and don't really need bath lift or stair lift or medical equipment (EVEN THOUGH i am have low mobility and CAN'T have a bath or go up down stairs without it AT ALL).

i don't know what else she said because of the running upstairs and meltdown but mum had some more talking with her and then she left. then i had a lie down in mum's bed and she did nice stroking on my back and i calmed down a bit.

still very upset. today was supposed to be good because new AAC but now it just is ruined.

and this was me trying really hard to give a second chance because she was horrible the last time too but i was being good and really trying to stay and listen but it was just horrible.

and she had awful strong perfume and the house still smells like it. making me feel sick.

sad angry frustrated.

((ask if need more tags on here i don't know what ones is right to put)).

March 4, 2024 Edit of this still relevant post from February 27, 2024

For those that view any of my online presences (including my blogs)…Um, this is something for you to know.

Please save this post so it doesn’t get buried by queue.

My& Current Health Situation

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I wish to communicate this to y’all now so that…I don’t end up worrying anyone when this happens. It may have been noticeable by some folks that I’m dragging, heavily. I’m not having a good time right now with my body. With this comes with an onion of issues detailing certain aspects of what I’m going through.

I know I have a lot of obligations. Not only as a creative and content creator; but as a friend, a mentor, Guardian or even older peer, and myself. I’ve neglected myself for too long. I have been noticing my vitality decrease; and my CFS and POTS flaring up further.

Social Justice is something I’m always perceiving and sensitive to; and as such, the strain I’ve noticed too late has been worsening. Includes many emotional meltdowns and outbursts from me that I can no longer control or hold back.

Trying to figure out how to exactly sort through the mass tangles of my traumatized emotional and mental state isn’t as simple as I hoped for me. While I’m creatively burned out, I am suffering Autistic burnout. A double whammy of all things.

I’m finding myself getting “stuck,” unable to physically move for hours at a time. I’d move upstairs to eat something but end up being there for what’s normally an half hour task…for nearly 2+ hours. Even so, trying to force movement to do tasks that is considered “everyone can do these” is mentally painful and physically locking. Even if I have to desperately use the bathroom when I’m about to fall asleep, my headmates (AKA alters) have to switch to co-front or “snatch me back” in order to get my body moving. That’s with the sudden rocket spike in heart rate and blood pressure, and loss of balance (at the very least).

I’m already struggling to cope with many things due to the fact that I haven’t been able to draw much at all; or create anything and write anything. Especially trying desperately to fulfill my word on things I had the energy to do, but no longer do. So much of my struggles I can’t properly transmute. It’s so upsetting.

Thus, there’s going to be a sudden and abrupt shift in posting or messaging. I don’t know when. But it is coming.

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(Especially since I’ve been feeling mania over the weekend. All weekend, Saturday and Sunday, I manic cleaned large portions of certain areas I occupy as well as my housemate. Today I’m feeling the aching in my joints badly, with my calves swearing hell at me. I’m wearing my wrist brace too, I just…I’m rambling.)

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I wish for you to know what’s happening if you don’t see or hear from me, my headmates, or any of my online presences (as depicted here: https://cjoatbysamwise.com/cjoats-links ) No one is being forgotten. I’m not abandoning anyone. I’m not ghosting anyone. What I do know (still coming to terms with it ngl) is I need to stop, fully stop, and recover. It’s looking like my body is going to do that for me by force. It’s going to be abrupt and sudden to the inconvenience of many, including my housemate, unfortunately.

I don’t know how long this will last. But I don’t know how long I’ll be able to keep “hustling” like this. Does this sound repetitive? I wanted to communicate before suddenly I’m unable.

Does this sound repetitive? I’ll end it here. I wanted to communicate before suddenly I’m unable.

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I’ll end it here with how you can support me while I’m down, only able to and wish to (I’m aware financial situations are a big struggle at the moment, there is no pressure to.)

Provide support by these links:

Thank you for reading until the end; have an awesome week ahead. Please remember to hydrate and eat. 🫶🏽❤️‍🩹

Just realized smth sad

Idk if you posted it here or on Twitter but you said smth about Raph eventually understanding that he wasn’t upset/frustrated at Sandro for only listening to Leo, he’s upset because he and Sandro should’ve been closer. They’re the oldest brothers— so it would make sense, but that’s not how it happened. And I realized.

OG! Sandro is closest with Leo and listens mostly to him, by extension not listening to Raph.

CF! Sandro is closest with Donnie and does everything he can to defy Raph.

S! Sandro is closest with Mikey, definitely has a good relationship with Raph, but they’re not as close.

BS! Sandro eventually gets closer to Raph, but it’s usually in silence under the stars and it doesn’t even last.

It was never going to happen. Even if logically, Sandro and Raph should’ve been closer, it never plays out that way. Not in any Sandro AU that exists at the moment, at least.

-❄️

DONT TALK TO ME RN

I AM CRYING SO DAMN LOUD

STOPPPPPPP

So now that you’ve had a good few chapters of playing Hopes any thoughts on the characters’ portrayals in Hopes so far compared to how you thought of them in 3H? For me I definitely have some Takes™️ on the way certain characters ended up being handled in Hopes vs 3H. For the sake of spoilers the only take I will mention at the moment is that Hopes!Caspar SUCKS.

Like they took everything I hated about CF!Caspar and then dialed that up to a hundred. I hate how much of a violent warmonger he is. I hate how much of a moron they make him! Like he has his dense moments in 3H but in Hopes it’s like he’s an actual dumbass (derogatory) with that whole “chapper” excuse of a joke or him somehow not understanding why the people his side are invading would not hold back against his side when they get the chance to strike back. Like what happened to the non-CF Caspar who would understand when other characters expressed negative feelings towards Adrestia because he was aware of the Empire’s past interactions with other countries? The Caspar who would even feel guilt and responsibility for such pain even though he personally didn’t take part in those conflicts, just because he’s his father’s son? The Caspar who had an extremely complex talk with Catherine about ideals in battle and trying to do the right thing?

Sorry for the rant when I just wanted to get your opinion, it’s just that Caspar’s characterization in Hopes is one of the ones I feel strongest about because of how mad I got with it. Turning the goofy and dense but surprisingly compelling and endearing Caspar into THAT was something.

Whoever you are OP, you are completely right about Hopes!Caspar.

Caspar was never a character I paid much attention too or felt strongly about, but I'm offended by his portrayal in Hopes. I can't imagine how upset people who followed him more feel.

I'm a bit lacking on my Caspar lore, so bear with me, but in Hopes his character revolves almost entirely around pleasing his father and smashing things. Other than that, there's nothing to him. Even someone who doesn't remember a whole lot of details about Caspar knows that's short-changing him.

Where's his friendship with Linhardt? Where's his fear-mixed-with-respect more complicated relationship he had with his father? Where's the guy who called Edelgard out for using him as a talking point for her own views rather than learning how he felt about anything first? Where's the guy who learned more empathy from Ashe and their discussion about thieves?

To be honest, I don't like CF!Caspar either. It seems only when he's forced to fight against the Empire (his people) that he takes war seriously and realizes that "real people" are dying rather than treating it like a jolly good time and chance to just smash things to death for fun. So maybe this is just further proof that Caspar is insufferable unless he fights against the Empire, because that's the only way for him to identify strongly enough with who's dying for him to grow some perspective. Hopes is made worse though, since he's regressed to just letting his dad decide everything and Shez doesn't call Caspar out like Byleth did in CF.

Alois is another one who was done dirty big time. He's nothing but a Jeralt simp with no mention ever of his kids or wife. It's like they took everything endearing about him and deleted it. It's criminal what they did to him.

Of course, there's also, I'm sure, lots of talk about Claude, but that's a whole other can of worms that I'll hold off on until I finish the game.

I remembered you said you didn't like cyril with lysithea as a pairing, but which is worse, lysithea or hilda?

?

I don't think one is worse than the other but if you want my opinion on Cyril ships...

Uh... Hilda?

Wins this by a landslide?

The entire "Goneril House had slaves" subplot might have evaporated from the Fodlan devs, FEH remembered it lol

Sure, Hilda might not have been the one who had a slave, being it was her great Uncle Gildas or someone else... And it's kind of heartwarming to see her warm up to Cyril despite his Almyran origins because of all of his hardwork...

And yet, it makes me very uncomfortable, because you basically have someone, a young Noble Lady, whose house enslaves people, who basically tells a former slave from her own House, that she values him because he works so hard :/

Even if Uncle Gildas was the one who "hired" Cyril, it's, imo, pretty disturbing.

I much prefer an ending and resolution of Hilda's bias against Almyrans through Claude (where the slavery issue of House Goneril can be properly adressed) than... have Uncle Gildas attend to his former slave's wedding with his niece, hell, will new Almyran children be hired to attend to their needs or what?

All jokes aside, even if Cyril had been a slave to another house, I still think there's something really disturbing on how Cyril doesn't mean doing her tasks/chores because she's lazy - sure, Hilda has self confidence issues, but between doing something and being afraid of being judged for doing them well, and letting a former child slave do them for you.... I think one option is still way more preferable than the other.

Even if Hilda is not the kind of person (at least in FE16 lol) to enforce her role as... someone with a higher status than him, (something Cyril believes Claude would, and Claude's "stop being so cold to me don't you know who I am?" really sounds wrong) given Cyril's history with House Goneril, Hilda's lack of commitment to this particular issue when it's brought to her (blame Fodlan's writing I guess, or she really dgaf?)...

Yep, Hilda by a landslide.

As for Lys...

Blame it on CF being my first route, and Nopes slaughtering the Deers, but Lys is now the kind of person who can and will sell her friends, country and family to the person who ruined them, if it means she might have a better chance at life.

I think this mindset is completely... at odds with Cyril, who feels so grateful and indebted to Rhea that he is willing to offer his life (and to die for her) and even so, he feels like it will never be enough to repay her.

I don't have any Cyril ships - I much prefer him in a relationship (platonic, familial, whatever) where he can finally have friends and start living little by little, with people who finally care for him.

Even if he was completely shafted in Nopes, I got the feeling he and Rhea talked more, and maybe Rhea might, off-screen because Nopes, tell him to live his life without feeling tied to her? Given how she obviously angsts not once but twice about him dying for her sake in AG (when they run away from GM and when Cyril has an exploration dialogue explaining he cannot fight with Barney and pals because Rhea'd be upset if he died!) they might become closer and have the convo they have in FE16 (off-screen because Rhea cannot be on screen when it's not about Billy!) and ask him to stop living to repay a perceived debt, but live for himself now.