#Burnout and irl things are eating me
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Frieren
#sousou no frieren#frieren#frieren: beyond journey's end#sorry for the inactivity#Expect less drawings for a while#Burnout and irl things are eating me#frieren at the funeral#frieren fanart#my art#sd art#artists on tumblr#manga#drawing#art#anime#illustration#draw#black and white
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Your writing is so good!! (*/ω＼*)
Can you maybe do a luxiem bois with a reader that's getting burnt out from work and the bois trying to help them? (*˙˘˙)♡
"Come, rest with me a while."
a/n: i told you guys i'd go a bit crazy with fics hehe ALSO ANON IM RLY SORRY I'M SO SO LATE IN DELIVERING THIS TO YOU
reminder that all my work and others in the fandom are purely fiction and intended to entertain, not to be projected irl.
quick disclaimer: i based all these burnouts on my own personal experiences as burnouts are different for everyone!
Vox Akuma 👹🌹
man is hands on dropping everything upon noticing the tiniest of signs (´･ᴗ･ ` )
without much being said, vox is obviously no stranger to this and after centuries, he's pretty much already mastered the art of preventing the dreaded burn out
so when he sees you staring head on at your work, your fingers set on the side doing nothing, your gaze just a bit emptier than usual, he knows
"what's wrong, love? exhausted from work?" he coos, wrapping his arms around you from behind. vox immediately feels the strain on your shoulders, further indicating you were definitely close to your limit
if anything you already were
vox is one to just sit down and calm you down with words, coaxing you to take a mental break for yourself
it almost didn't matter if you were hungry or not
he's straight to the kitchen to cook something up for you
it could be a comfort food of yours, something of his or something completely new he's been wanting to try in a while
either way, you're eating all of his delicious foods
"but vox, i already ate though..."
"you don't want this food to go to waste now, do you?"
if you're the type to sit quiet during burnouts and rather not talk about the daunting mental block, vox is absolutely fine with it and would probably just stuff your mouth with his food
oh and his lips ;D
ah yes the sussy jokes and pickup lines
god pls have mercy(″ロ゛)
"my, my, if your lips are going to stay frowning like that, mind if i give it a smile with my own?"
"or would it better if i put them to better use?"
KAJHSJKSHASHSGJH?????
SUSSY SUSSY SUSSY
anyway 💀
if the day had been extremely cruel to you, your work piling over, the expectations ever so towering but your mind at a fucking dead end all until your sanity results to tears
"oh dear, shhh, shhh, sweet thing. come here," vox whispers, sitting next to you and bringing you immediately against his chest. "it's alright to let it out, my dear. cry as much as you want. but i'll stay here with you."
if this were me i'd be crying even harder yall 😭
slight mother instincts kicking in, he'll literally just baby you as you weep away your woes. it won't be super obvious but know that deep down, he cares so much about you
he'll just rock you back and forth wherever you are, stroking your hair gently while whispering things your heart needed right now
"all will pass, love. i promise it'll be alright."
"n-no it won't, vox..."
"really? what makes you think that?"
"j-just everything! look at me, i'm failing everything..."
"i'll be honest with you," he smiles, wiping a fallen tear. "i don't see that happening. to me, all i see is your body asking you to rest. it's telling you to take some time off."
"b-but--"
"trust me, dear," he leans down, bringing you closer against him as he placed a chaste kiss at the top of your head. "i believe you to be strong. but there will be times you need to take a break to make yourself even stronger next time. do you understand?"
once you've settled down, he's stuffing your face with more food (´ ω `♡)
no matter how long you're healing yourself, vox will always be there every step of the way. he's holding your hand, he's hugging you, he's kissing your tears away
and by the time you're back on your feet again, the light in your eyes a bright glow and your fire of passion burning through, vox will just proudly smile as you recount today's achievements
"vox, vox, look! i finally got it done! and the results for that other thing i'm doing came back positive!"
when he promised he will do anything to protect that beautiful smile of yours, he meant it with every fiber of his body.
he laughs, pulling you in to place a kiss on your lips, "well done, sweet thing. i knew you could do it."
other boys utc!
Mysta Rias 🦊🔶
i think it'd take a while for mysta to rly notice what was going on (despite being a detective yes)
initially, he thought you were just in a bad spot today. bad day? bad mood? one of those short term emotional breaks is all
but when he catches sight of you continuing to sigh in front of your work, groaning even more often and the many times your face lost its color from constant hopelessness
yes he notices
but he's actually hesitant to rly take action upon it
mysta is very used to seeing you be so positive and happy about things, telling him about your day, even if it was a terrible one
in short, he was used to seeing you smile
but even as one tiny joke didn't manage to bring that back on your face, mysta was extremely worried
was his joke funny? did it offend you more than it should've healed you?
he was nervous to talk you about it, afraid he'd take the wrong step
sooo i will have to ask you to be one opening up to him. at least tell him what's going on and what's been bother your mind to affect your moods like this(>_<)
mysta will appreciate you so much for doing that and once he understands what it is you're going through exactly, he'll definitely offer you all sorts of help
"burnout huh? they suck a lot," he sighs, taking your hand in his and rubbing your knuckles with his thumb. he smiles, kissing it, "it's okay, babe. that means you just gotta take a break, right?"
"as simple as that sounds, mysta, i don't know if i can right now... work is piling all over me."
"huh, what assholes to be overworking you right?"
you snort a bit, shaking your head.
phase one: get them to smile at least a bit. complete.( ◡‿◡ *)
"okay, okay, listen," mysta scoots closer, squeezing your fingers on the way. "i just saw this new (anime/show) come out and a few episodes have been posted. so many people have been saying it's good. up to binge?"
that is his go to way of cheering you up
mysta will immediately try to make you forget what it is that is troubling you, preferably through some entertainment like games or movies.
if it goes back to bother you again, he's quick to make a joke about it in hopes you won't feel as intimidated by it
oh and he's more than glad to take you to the grocery store to pick up a whole new stash of snacks <3
tbh mysta is a big snackie so it's also an excuse to be munching on some lmao
"wait why are we getting ice cream again, mysta? don't we already have some at home?"
"uhhhitgrewlegsandranaway"
"to your stomach?"
"nooooooooo?"
phase two: get snacks and movie plans. complete.(ง ื▿ ื)ว
he will not care how many snacks and or movies it will take to bring you back again mentally. he's there to handle the remote on what you're watching for the rest of the night and he's the one getting up on his feet to grab more snacks
but as soon as mysta sees the tears fall out and you're breathing a lot heavier then before, he can't help but want to cry too
honestly he becomes a mess with you at this point
"hey, hey.. d-don't cry, i-i'm gonna cry too now.." he tries coaxing you, his eyes pricking. he held your shaky hands in hopes to find stability within himself
but yeah it doesn't rly work
"goddammit," he mumbles to himself, sniffling
serious time: he feels rly useless when he can only sit there and watch you cry, especially when he finds himself crying too
"babe, babe, look, it's gonna be okay, right?" he tries but it makes you cry even worse
you don't mean to make him feel even worse, honest!
so what's the solution now?
well... cry together until one of you calms down┐(~ー~;)┌
most times, you're the one calming down first so when you cease your weeping and see that mysta was upset as well, you're the one comforting him.
you know what they say: to cheer yourself up, cheer someone else up.
mysta will just look into your swollen red eyes with the biggest pout in the world, "i-i'm fine, i promise, babe."
you giggle, leaning in to kiss his cheeks. "why are we such a mess, mysta?"
"we're destined to be together is all."(//ω//)
and then it's back to movies and snacks until dawn
once you're back on your feet, laughing, smiling and scolding mysta for something he's done, he knows you're okay again
when you show him an achievement you've gotten, sparkles in your eyes, he'll just grin at you while patting your head, "good job, baby. you're so, so strong. i love you."
Luca Kaneshiro 🦮🔆
not immediately but the moment he starts talking to you and your responses are not like usual, he knows something is up
although not necessarily assuming it was burnout
you're always putting on a smile for him or at the very least giving him more extensive responses to his questions and comments
instead of those, he's only getting 'hm's
his metaphorical puppy ears and tails droop down
"honey? is everything okay?" luca asks you gently while frowning
if you're the type to push people away during these rather dark times, i'm gonna have to apologize on luca's behalf bcs he's the type to push you until he knows you're okay
of course it's not so forceful it's toxic
but just know that luca is genuinely worried about you and if he doesn't know what's up, he's afraid he'll step on a landmine
"honey please? just tell me how you're feeling. was it a bad day?"
to be honest though, with luca's natural adorable charm, it's sorta hard to look away without giving in to him (biased asf lmao)
however if you still aren't in the right place to be speaking, luca will just sigh and give you a kiss to the temple, smiling gently, "alright then. just find me if you're ready to talk okay? i'll always be here to listen."
BABYYYYY
˚‧º·(′̥̥̥ o ‵̥̥̥)‧º·˚
ahem
he'll be so happy once he sees you approach him, tugging on his sleeve although still a bit sad(╯_╰)
"yes, honey?" luca smiles, putting away his work
i mean bro come on doesn't his smile alone just give you relief?
your heart feels a bit lighter and then you start to spill everything, informing him that it was probably burnout from all the work you've been doing
"oh, honey, come here, come here," luca is the one coming to you tho
you happily receive him in your arms, wrapping yourself in the comforting scent of luca kaneshiro
he starts stroking your hair, rocking you back and forth while humming a soft tune
"how about we hang out for the rest of the day? i'll clear up my schedule, no problem!"
and as much as you insisted that you just wanted a sliver of his time, he's not listening to you anyway and requesting his secretary to clear up any meetings today
he also even went as far as tweeting that he'll be cancelling the stream if he hasn't already
dw, us lucubs are nice! >:3
luca is the type to try and make you forget about your burnout like mysta although a little bit more active
games, movies, a night out, cooking together if you haven't eaten
i think the one thing luca won't ever forget to mention to cheer you up (especially in these dire times) is skin care!! ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭
he's not afraid to be seen with cute bunny hair band to put his long hair away and have cucumbers on his eyes 🥒
i mean why would he? he always feel so nice afterwards
can't a mafia boss clean himself up too(｡•̀ᴗ-)✧
always ready with a stash of skincare, from face masks, hair masks, lip scrubs, undereye masks, waxing, nail care--i could go on tbh and luca would prob still have more
or if you'd like, luca is more than glad to be bring you to a spa to get yourself done but honestly, he likes doing it at home with you because he think it's more intimate ;)
"careful babe you're gonna get it all over my eyes!!"
"i heard smoothies from these ingredients make your skin feel good from the inside."
"i feel like painting my nails today... i still can't get the hang of painting my right hand tho... "
"ooohhh this one smells so nice, honey! come on come on let's do this one."
at the end of the night, luca will have you snuggled up against him watching a gentle movie
he'll also just brush away at your face, deciding to bring up your case of burnout now that your heart is in a much better place
"hey, about your burnout. i know it sucks being in this phase of your life right now but listen to me," then he'll cup your cheeks and squish them. "i know you well enough that something like this is just another obstacle. and even if you have trouble going through it, i'll kick its ass down with you. you hear me?"
you don't even remember about your burnout, knowing your (yellow) knight in shining armor is good on kicking some ass down with you
you clasp your hands onto luca's, leaning up to kiss his nose
he frowns, "but honey you missed..."
laughing, you try again. this time, properly.
luca giggles, "i love you."
and once you're back on your feet again, luca has never been more proud of you. he'll hug you tightly, spin you around in the air and probably invite you for a night out at your favorite restaurant
"I'M SOO PROUD OF YOU, BABYYYY! POGGGGGG!"（〜^∇^ )〜
Ike Eveland 🖋💙
notices immediately and already knows what to do
although not as experienced as vox, ike tends to keep himself busy a lot so he has no shortage of burnouts
he's tried different ways of healing himself, from the internet from asking people
it can be super hard going through these things alone, so when he sees you in this state, with symptoms he himself is so familiar with, his heart aches and he reaches out to you so that you don't have to go through the same thing he did often
safe to say that he'll be very serious about this⊂(▀¯▀⊂ )
sure, jokes can help from time to time but i think ike is the type to rly take things head on
ike knows you super well so he knows if you'd like some space right now, or if you need some company
if you feel more reserved and "to avoid" him, he knows to back off for the time being. but he doesn't just go back to his work until you've cooled off
ike wants you to know (although indirectly) that he's there for you still
so what he does is step out of the room and place a drink of your choice near you
"remember to hydrate yourself, okay?" he gently tells you
and when you thank him, giving him a small smile, ike touches your hand like he's asking for permission
if you don't react much, ike will just lean down and place kisses all over your face
to rly rly rly rly remind him that you're not alone, despite all your problems and flaws(˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )
when the day is very bad, your heart just wanting to break and your mind shattering to pieces from the emotional distress, ike would prefer to be with you rather than give you space
seems disrespectful of what you rly wanted at the time, but pls bear in mind that ike wants to make sure you're okay
it's not that he doesn't trust you either
he just... doesn't like it when you're hurting, alone especially
"please let me stay with you," ike will tell you when you push him away
don't tell me you have the heart to rly refuse this soft king :<
he'll just hold you without saying much, stroking your hair, wiping your tears, kissing them away at the right times
if you want to ramble and rant about everything, telling him how work rly sucks, how you've been failing everything and just being in a terrible mental state, ike doesn't mind either
he's definitely the listener type, absorbing in all of your words like a sponge
so it seems as though he always had the perfect words to say at times like these
i mean.
he's a novelist, he writes songs--
his philosophy is bound to be different from others. or at the very least, word the most common phrases in a way it seemed so original????
ಠ_ಠ
you can't tell me otherwise that he'll be singing to you to make you feel better :D
he's slightly shy about it (this cute bby istg) but once he comes to terms that he was doing this for you and to hopefully make you smile again, he'll start humming a song
something he liked, something you liked, something he was working on
it never fails to put your heart and mind at ease
ike eveland will sit, sing, hold you etc etc for hours on end if it meant seeing you stand back up again
seeing as he's super used to burnouts, i think he actual has some concrete ways of slowly getting you back up there
he totally understands if you're not ready yet, but the way he persuades you--
yeah, sometimes you wonder if it's a blessing or not to be dating ike eveland
i'm just kidding it's always a blessing†_(ﾟｰﾟ*)β
he'll even set aside his own work to help you do yours, even as simple as organizing your papers, cleaning up your soft files and all the mundane things your work has you do
you'd be lying if you said that wasn't such a big big help
and before you knew it, you're back to being productive in a lesser time than usual
when you show ike that you've cleared up your work list and or the results of your hard work, he feels more fulfilling knowing that you were saved from the spiraling misery of burnout
he pats your head, brings you onto his lap and presses a very passionate kiss to your lips
then you pull away to see his slightly teary eyes, "i'm so, so proud of you älskling."
Shu Yamino 🔮✨
would notice you acting differently, say like staring off into your laptop but doing nothing or sighing just a bit more than usual
shu would def start speculating something is going on and he tests his own theory out by talking to you
"hey there baby," he coos, his eyes sparkling
"mhm," and although you were smiling, shu could tell it was half hearted
yep, something's going on
unlike luca though, he'll be a lot gentler when coaxing you to tell him
he would like to use his spells to spill out of you but he knows super well that's not rly nice so he'll just keep on asking you without using any underhanded tricks
after the third time asking, he'll just sigh and cuddle you silently, holding your hand
"it's alright if you don't wanna tell me. just let me stay with you okay?"
his soothing voice and the way he pleaded a little bit was hard to refuse :<
but just know that shu doesn't want to leave you alone like this, even if he doesn't know for sure what it is you're going through
shu kinda already had a hunch that it might've been burnout but he wants to you tell him himself
after a while, you finally tell him what's going on and he's more than glad to open his arms for you if comfort is what you need
shu is also super calm and smiling throughout the entire thing
it's a trick he learned somewhere
when you're handling something (especially if it's stressful), if one person is smiling, other people just tend to calm down a lot more
you'd be lying if you said it hasn't worked out with him :3
anyway
i think is all about reassuring you mentally
he wants to rebuild you back again before he can move onto other things
so he wouldn't immediately try to distract you from the stress
to him, it's important you recognize what you're feeling and learn how to face it head on instead of running away from it first (ofc this doesn't apply to everyone, you do you readers^^)
"take a deep breath for me."
"clear your head first and focus on my voice, okay? close your eyes if you need to."
he has the habit of pressing between your eyebrows if it furrows so it's just a super cute way to remind you that you should relax
٩꒰ ˘ ³˘꒱۶~♡
after you're calm, shu will simply smile at you and start telling you about your past achievements, about all the good things about you, about how strong you are and basically the wonderful being you were born as ٩(◕‿◕)۶
but if you're feel more broken apart this time and you can't help but tear up, shu will admittedly freeze up first
this was the one thing shu was so afraid of happening, exactly why he wanted to reassure you mentally first
he'll be at a loss of words on what to do next, he himself not knowing what to do
seeing you cry breaks his heart okay
but shu yamino is a keeper of his words so if he said that he's gonna protect your smile, he will do exactly that even if it daunted him
he'll cup your cheeks so that you're focused on him and you can see he's trying to maintain a strong smile for you despite the tears
shu will just kiss away your tears, each one getting longer every time
BRO THIS AGAIN WOULD MAKE ME CRY EVEN MORE ;-;;;;
after you've calmed down, shu will finally kiss you on the lips and say, "there you are. hi."
he'll then bring you into his embrace, so tightly against him as if he was afraid that you'd actually disappear from him, that something would take you away from him
something not even his jujutsu magic could do
"it's all gonna be okay. i'm right here to go through it with you," he whispers, rubbing your back.
"b-but--"
"when have i ever gone back on my word, babe?"
that he was correct about
you just sigh and melt into him, snuggling into his chest
and for the rest of the day, it really is healing time for both you and him
you're not allowed to be touching anymore work by shu (not directly but by unwilling to let you go hsakjshk) so you have the time to rly just relax and save yourself from further destruction
and as for shu?
it becomes a reminder for him that he should take care of you more often
not in a way that you can't handle yourself
but the fact that he couldn't prevent you from getting these burnouts in the first place, maybe he should've stopped you from working too much
then you suddenly touch his face
shu looks up at you
you're smiling now
"there you are. hi, shu."
he can't help but tear up and cry at the same time, leaning into your hands
it's definitely the little things with you and shu
and once you've picked yourself up again with the sorcerer's help, you're back to laughing and making corny jokes with him, you're in a way reminding shu that he's saved you all over again
"shu, shu, look! i got rly good feedbacks on these!"
ah, that glimmer in your eyes...
he leans in and places a kiss on your temple, "good job, cutie."
Masterlist!
#nijisanji en#luxiem#luxiem x reader#vox akuma#mysta rias#luca kaneshiro#ike eveland#shu yamino#akurylic#mystart#drawluca#ikenography#yaminoart#author chan’s delivery service ?
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Ouroboros: Progress
I haven't written one of these in forever, so it's slightly clunky, but I aim to have one of these out at least every quarter, if not monthly. Let's dive into it! Spoiler warning for the sneak peeks at the bottom.
What I got done since last month:
After the update drop, I took some time off the main story to prevent the budding burnout. I’m sure you are well aware of my malaise by now- it's a constant effort to stay on the tightrope.
I don't think I brought it up explicitly but when I started writing Ouroboros it was me riding the high of becoming a person again right after years long sick leave and battle with mental health, meaning that while I am absolutely thrilled that I'm getting so much out of life again, that fragile part of me still lives on and I have to take care not to let it get the best of me, and that means constant vigilance and self-compassion. Writing a project this big could easily be a full time job on its own, but I also have to account for going back to the workforce after being gone for so long. It's tough! irl work/life keeps amping up and will continue to eat my energy. Though, come summer, I might actually have some good news on my schedule and how my writing will fit into that. Fingers crossed.
Otherwise I have really enjoyed interacting and goofing around with you on tumblr again, and I’ve had a blast just reading and playing games. It was a very welcomed break. I still got a lot done regarding Ouroboros:
- Got started on all the short stories you voted on, and built the framework of code for how stories will be unlocked as you progress the story.
- I got some much needed help with setting up a side-blog for writing content only; it’s getting there! Soon Ouro will have its own space.
- I added about 3k words to the next chunk of act 1. A drop in the ocean, but progress is progress.
- I started sneak-writing on the next act and specifically, the underwater/caving chapter. I am so excited for it! Besides writing and hiking, diving and caving are core parts of my interests. (Didn't I once say that Ouro is disgustingly self indulgent? x] Because it sure is.)
What’s next:
I am still taking it slow, since most of act 1 pt2 is already written (60k words ish), and I have some responsibilities I’m gonna need to devote my time to. My goals for February are leading up to Ouro’s first anniversary, so I want to prepare something fun for us to enjoy! If it will be a chunk of update or something else remains to be decided. On the 8th of March we ride.
My priorities for February are:
-having fun with the short stories
-get the sideblog up and running with a new FAQ and character pages, and a new intro post.
-solidify the code and scene transitions for the next update
- (stretch goal) edit/rewrite/add to the unhinged mess that the next update still is
Re: bug reports
Thankfully, last update was relatively bug free, but there are still a few reports sitting in my inbox waiting for changes, mainly
-the egregious oversight of having id's romance scenes appearing although the hunter is committed to L/not in the poly. More on that here.
-the questions with Iontif cutting off short in one path
-a section of the flashback with wrong pronouns + other pronoun variables not displaying correctly (the bane of my existence!!)
Thank you to those who reported these, I always note them down if I don't fix them directly. The reason why I am almost always tardy on bug fixes is because I'm treating this as a first draft that will be rewritten; it makes little sense to dedicate so much time to fixing things that will need to be fixed again. I do them when I have little else I want/have to do. I'm sorry! Triaging problem areas is essential to keeping this show going. I hope that it isn't too invasive to have a few errors in the scenes; rest assured that they will get fixed (eventually 🤡)
Re: save system
Something that has really bothered me lately, is thinking about CoG's obstinate refusal to implement save systems. I absolutely won't release Ouroboros without one, as with how much variation goes into the story (and knowing from first-hand experience playing large games, that one miss-click (or that horrendous bug that chooses options for you if you even look at it wrong) will have you go down a path you didn’t want, or you are faced with starting over, which sometimes leads to such fatigue that you just…stop playing.) it feels like shooting yourself in the foot to not have one. And worse, it feels plain cruel to subject the reader to that. There isn’t any possible way to fit every nuance of a choice into the box-text, or to imply a delayed outcome as a result of making a choice that seems very “innocent” at first glance.
So I stand before a really difficult decision; either code a save system from the bottom up, and I would have to do that sooner rather than later, or port the game to twine which brings its own bundle of problems. Right now I honestly no idea what I want to do, and I have to admit that it fuels a bit of writer's block as I feel locked in place until I come to a decision. Heurgh.
Now for the fun part. Sneak peeks!
I wont share the latter parts as they are still... Unhinged. But the next update isn't just romance, its weapons and insidious cults and fighting, too. More on that, later.
Thanks for your support, your kind words and for sharing your journey in Ouro. It means the world to me. I’m serious!
#ouroboros-if#interactive fiction#hosted games#dev log#writers update#progress report#me throwing every possible tag on this post cause I can't remember which one I actually use: random bullshit go!#And now :] DARK AND DARKER BABEEEEYY#please let me know if you use a screen reader and it doesn't pick up the text <3
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Sorry for the ramble in your inbox incoming- I'm a really huge fan of your analysis type posts like the ones about Cathal and recently Flint ;A; So I hope its ok to maybe throw in my own 2 cents about Cogs/their society- (Sorry this gets rambly I thought about this last night and writing this like an hour after waking up lol)
I think what alot of people kind of (I wouldnt say ignore- more of:) don't really get is that I dont believe characters like Cathal or Flint have bad tendencies because they really want to in a way, (I kind of worded that poorly but point is) but because their society rewards and encourages that type of behavior. I think you said something kind of similar on Cathals post- But especially for Flint, whose a Bossbot (Who are literally the embodiment of a toxic workplace and elitism. I believe a old snippet from the TTO magazines says "They have no real skills of their own, just the ability to push down others and stay on top!" Or something to that nature.) he has to be demanding and imposing. There is no benefit to him in being kind. (Like looking at Misty for example) And don't get me wrong I don't believe that if Flint and Cathal were removed from Cog society they'd be better/objectively nicer (Like Flint not being condescending to Toons and Cathal not making people do things for him and being encouraged to try) But I do wonder how much of it is pressure, or how much of it is egged on and rewarded. Atleast in the aspects it relates to how they treat others.
(..And also I wonder what happens to Cogs that don't get jobs and are seen as ..not functioning. Since Graham was freaking the hell out in "Meeting Of Two Minds" over the possibility of not getting the job. I have a whole thing about this actually in my oc lore but thats another thing entirely I'll write about someday I swear)
Also I gasped when I saw the doodle of Graham in the MSI shirt finally a MSI listener Graham truther. I think he'd like the album "How I Learned To" and of course "You'll Rebel To Anything". I associate him mainly with the songs "Lights Out", "On It", and "You're No Fun Anymore" :p (This has been my favorite band since I was like 13 and now I get to spill all my opinions xD) I always imagined him doing the guitar backbend their bassist does! And my final hc is that Flint plays bass and Graham plays the main guitar. I think it fits them .. some people overlook bass when its actually pretty hard to learn from what I hear and vital to the song. (Like heres Feel Good Inc w/o the bass.. feels wrong x_x)
Anyways thanks for reading ;A; take care and happy new year!
RAHHHH EATING THIS UP YUM YUM YUM YES YES YOU GET IT
THe biggest issue with Cogs Inc is that it REWARDS and ENCOURAGES these poor behaviors, worsening these characters as people. ESPECIALLY cathal considering the position of power they’re in. I’m sure it applies to a ton of other cogs too, but unfortunately I haven’t gotten to them yet bc I’m not as insane abt them . LMAO
And yeah since cogs are literally built for work, it’s a wonder what happens to those who can’t find a job as easily as others. Hoping that gets built on since it’s clear in MOTM that these cogs have to actually apply and go to interviews and probably face some trial and error to land a job, just like people IRL.
ALSO. THE BAND HCS. I love it and you’re SOOOO RIGHT about the backbend that is so grahamcore. And yes I’m pretty sure Flint does play bass, I think his creator mailman said smth abt that on their blog . AND IM SO GLAD YOU BROUGHT UP FEEL GOOD INC bc i did draw flint in a demon days shirt in that same animatic . And ive def drawn them in the same shirt a couple times in the past too . I’ve always imagined him to be a Gorillaz fan, maybe graham too
Anyway ty for these thoughts im eating them up and leaving no crumbs . I love when ppl come to ramble in my inbox bc discussing this stuff IS SO FUN and a good outlet for me esp when i might be having art burnout rn .
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Hello! I hope you're having a good day!
So many people in my life seem to be going through something right now, and I just wanted to give you an opportunity to share anything you might be going through. Good or bad, as specific or as vague as you're comfortable with. Or feel free to ignore if you'd rather not. No pressure at all!
I hope things are going well for you! But if not, I'll be sending prayers your way if you're comfortable with that!
I am... not.
and i haven't for a long time
I'll preface this entire post with a warning: THIS IS A VENT POST
the only tags will be trigger warnings
I thinks i've said it once or twice, but I started school this year. This is my first year in college after taking a gap year and also telling everyon i wasnt gonna go. I know jack shit about what im doing and its fucking exhausting. Theres so many things that i feel like I should know but dont because all the college information given out in my highschool was geared toward the college in that town specifically, which is not the college im going to.
I've also moved. im entirely on my own, physically and financially. I just met with my job and am starting very soon which is not good because my sleep schedule is all wrong. I may be switching jobs soon, but i can't just quit becuase, like i said, im on my own.
and those are only the big two. lets speedrun this. my anxiety, my autism, i need new glasses, my feet hurt more than i think they should, im a system, my eating disorder, my aversions that make it hard to drink the water up here, the burnout, the exhaustion, executive dysfunction, i also likely have adhd which mean rsd. im touch starved and touch adverse
those are just what i can think of off the top of my head
but all of this had been leading to what might be a pretty nasty breakdown and soon.
im so fucking tired all the time and that makes it hard to draw, but thats one of my only ways to relax. i like playing mc, but i get bored easily and also i cant sit at my desk for long becuase it feels like my head is too heavy for my neck. it hurts. everything hurts and my job doesnt help me at fucking all.
i was able to draw tsob while dealing with most of my issues becuase all i had to worry about was work. looking at my current schedule, i can find the free time. the issue is using that freetime to draw and not just sleep or dissociate. finding home is very dear to me, but drawing it the way i am can be exhausting and i dont want to start hating it, so i just.. dont draw it most days
i stress constantly about how i appear on my blog becuase i want so badly to do this right. i want to be good at something, like, as a person, not just as an artist. but i hate myself too much to believe in any progress i make.
i know its the rsd mostly but i see groups and i feel gross. its not as bed now (any of you beans that have made it this far, ily /p) becuase i found a community i can actually interact with, but it still comes up, especially because i've moved away from all my irl friends and its so fucking hard for me to make them in the first place. like.. actual friends, not just people i can work with at school
if i keep going i'll probably talk myself in circles, so ill stop it here. theres a lot more but im not going to ramble about my suicidal, intrusive, or sh thoughts on this blog. this is a post to inform you guys of the state of mind im in. im lonely and sad and its all building up to a massive breakdown.
im not going to be leaving tumblr or giving up on my comic, but i probalby wont update as often as i did tsob. i just dont have the energy.
i also will probably post some of my traditional art cuz i gotta fill up a sketchbook for my animation class, so that also takes away from the time i use to draw digitally.
im so tired
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FIC WRITING REVIEW 2023
Thank you @loki-is-my-kink-awakening for coming up with this!
And thank you @42donotpanic for the tag!
Rules: Feel free to show whatever stats you have. Only want to show Ao3 stats? Rock on. Want to include some quantitative info instead of stats? Please do this. Want to change how yours is presented? Absolutely do that. Would rather eat glass than do this? Please don’t eat glass but don’t feel like you have to do this either.
Words and Fics
38,518 words published in 2023
17 completed fics
Top 3 Pairings
Matt Murdock/Foggy Nelson [11]
Matt Murdock&Foggy Nelson [2]
Matt Murdock&Foggy Nelson&Karen Page [2]
Top 5 by Comments
Sticking It To The Man(Round Robin Collab) 15
Of All The Good In The World - 10
ART for Romantic's Pizza Package -
Let me spin myself into yarn - 8
A Vessel- 7
Top 5 by Kudos
Sticking It To The Man - 242
A Cut String Of Fate - 39
ART for Romantic's Pizza Package - 146
A Vessel - 36
Of All The Good In The World - 26
Top 5 by Hits
Sticking It To The Man - 1,235
The Way We Say Goodbye- 559
A Cut String Of Fate - 486
ART for Romantic's Pizza Package - 393
If Forever Leaves Too Soon- 256
Fandom Events in 2023
At the start of the year the Avocados took part in a round robin challenge for Sticking It To The Man, in which 6 of us wrote a fic together! I would love to do this again.
The @daredevilexchange held a prompt fest in February, in which I posted 3 fics/art! One of these also started a collab with @udekai for our BADminton series!
In March the Avocados had our Secret Satan exchange in which I wrote Let me spin myself into yarn for @feenyxblue!
Through the year I wrote a few shorter prompted things - from our no prompt left behind challenge on the server, and also from Tumblr requests!
In October we had the @daredevilexchange where I wrote 2 fics, The City That Never (Always) Sleeps, and You know it breaks my heart in half, in half.
Upcoming Plans
I've just started the @killacharacterbingo, 4 fics in, and I hope to finish that next year! I've got a few longterm wips I want to bring back out and actually get finished, and not burnout with constant event pressures.
Writing Reflection
This year has felt quieter. I wrote about half what I did last year, and nothing can compare to 2021. It's been busy IRL, and I've felt like I've been in and out of burnout, but we're getting there!
Having a community online has been a lifesend, and even if I haven't been posting it, we've had plenty of brainrot opportunities, which I'm glad for! I also started to dabble in original fic, and that's slow going, but I'm also writing a bit more through starting DnD, and having text-based rp sessions in between, which are amazing!
Community is everything, and I'm so glad to have met everyone I did, you all hold a special place in my heart. Where else are you going to be able to cry about Matt and Foggy at 2 in the morning and there be someone to listen?
Tagging: @udekai, @blissful-thinker, @feenyxblue, @missmoochy and the rest of the Avocados discord, you know who you are!
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This is another personal post with TW mental illness. I'm sorry there have been so many recently. I really have nowhere else to put these things. Feel free to ignore.
I don't think my depression has ever been this bad before, in the almost 13 years I've had it. For maybe the past two months it's been steadily growing to a point of intensity that I can't ignore. The absolutely awful feelings won't go away. I can't stop thinking about how miserable I feel.
I can barely take care of myself. I eat takeout every day. There's garbage everywhere at my house. I can't get shit done at work and at some point people are going to notice. I have multiple really REALLY urgent doctor's appointments/calls I HAVE to make (one of which is to my psychiatrist who apparently I'm blocked from messaging on the healthcare app), yet I can't seem to pick up the phone. I am mentally incapable somehow. There's a wall there.
I have been told to exercise and meditate and I physically and mentally cannot. Again, there is a wall.
I have a video game I wanted to play, I try to play it, and I feel completely unattached to it (even though I have loved it in the past). I joined a really exclusive roleplay community for that game and proceeded to be too overwhelmed to make the character application and now the mods are asking me what I want to do. I haven't written fanfiction in two months because of severe burnout, and I miss it so desperately that it's making me realize I might have been using it as a bandaid/distraction. But my brain is so fried that I feel too overwhelmed to write again. People are leaving me nice comments on my fics and I can't even bring myself to read them let alone respond to them. My memory is so bad that I can't remember a lot of what happens in any of my fave series' and I feel like creating good fan content for those things is impossible at this point.
I'm ignoring online friends in my favorite server. I promised multiple IRL friends I would watch animes they like and I am feeling guilty that I mentally cannot do that. I'm dreading the two anime cons I have coming up in March because I don't think I'm going to feel comfortable in my cosplay this year. I have a close friend (who is also my coworker) who keeps trying to get me to do things with her and her husband and I keep turning them down because I'm worried I'll get overwhelmed by social anxiety and general awkwardness. Just the thought of having awkward social interactions is terrifying me and pushing me down harder than it ever has.
I had a boyfriend between October 2022 and December 2023, but I felt like it was a huge chore every time I had to see him and I developed zero feelings for him. I felt repulsed by the thought of us being romantic. We ghosted each other in December and now I feel like shit about it because he may have been the only chance I'll ever have at a relationship... but I also am in such a bad state that it's probably good things are over. Why don't I feel relieved?
I'm having physical tics in my abdomen and jaw that are getting worse and worse to the point of pain and people noticing. I can't talk to literally anyone without sounding upset, negative, angry. I had my best friends from out of state over a few weekends ago and I was so sick the whole time, I felt like I was letting them down. I've been repeating awkward interactions with friends and coworkers over and over in my head to the point where I think about it at night.
I haven't put my Christmas decorations away because I fucking CAN'T.
This week has been particularly bad. Yesterday I was working from home because of snow. When the snow stopped I rushed to my parents' house because I needed to be somewhere with people I know. But I was so negative in how I spoke with them, and it's making me feel even worse. I used to be really talkative and intelligent when having conversations with my family, but depression has taken that away from me pretty badly over the years, to the point where I can barely talk without thinking about how absolutely dreadful I am at conversation.
But today might be the worst of it (unrelated to Valentine's Day, though it certainly isn't helping). It pained me emotionally and physically to get out of bed, and I wanted to take a mental health day. Literally fell back asleep for an hour before I had to get up and DREAMT about taking a mental health day. But being alone at home is actually so much worse than being at work where there are at least people I am comfortable with. So I went in. I have been absolutely bombarded with depressed feelings all day though. I get up to walk down the hall to the bathroom and somehow that feels worse than sitting and staring at my computer without accomplishing anything. I'm sitting here crying at work, completely destroying the four months of tally marks I had for 'days without crying at work'. I didn't break my record, sadly.
I have a therapist. I have an appointment with her today actually. Maybe I'll just read all of this to her. I don't know where it's going to lead or what she's going to tell me to do, but all I want is to walk down the hall to the bathroom and have at least average, neutral emotions instead of carrying a chest full of raging depression. I want to be able to say something happy to someone so that they don't dump me as a friend for being toxically negative. I want to live, and I have things to live for. But damn if this depression isn't making it extremely difficult to enjoy those things.
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i don't know how to phrase this any other way so i hope you don't find this rude or anything:
you are (imo) a very skilled, very prolific art toaster. it's great quality artwork obviously, but your turnaround is wicked crazy fast to me. what does burnout look like for you? how do you manage to toast so many arts? what dark magics must you employ??
The hard truth is I worked in journalism for two years between 2010-2012 and customer service/hospitality starting at 16 years old in 2007 all throughout my life until 2022 and I don't want to go back to any of it now that I'm almost 33 - that's the main motivator to keep my freelance gig career doing art commissions going as long as possible. Fear and loathing of going back to that work environment keeps me focused.
In action...I'm not quite sure if I ever experience 'burn out'? I do experience art 'block' in that I can't think of anything to draw on my own or feel really unsatisfied with my work...so I just goof off with my canvas or do studies, but this doesn't interfere with doing commissions where I am told what to draw.
I just enjoy the physical act of drawing. Sometimes when I'm bored and restless and going for a walk doesn't help, I just draw more. When I was a kid I would just come home from school and draw crap between playing Gameboy/N64/Gamecube or browsing Elfwood/Newgrounds/DeviantART/Gaia Online, so it's literally just a habit now. If I don't draw for a long time I feel anxious and unwell. Somehow I just programmed my brain to think that art = leisure fun time, even if it's for work. I also tend to get into a "zone" sometimes and just put on video essays or music and a few hours later I'll have worked through some commission stuff.
I have three 'task lists' for my workflow:
A public trello board organized by work order types (N/SFW link)
A personal trello board organized by type/date in chronological order
A coloured tagging and folder system in my emails where I can just see the actual dates/timestamps of my last correspondence with a client so I know exactly who in my taskboard needs to be prioritized for their next WIP update
I hold myself to a standard of sending a client a WIP in stages:
rough draft (1-14 business days)
revisions (1-5 business days)
line art (1-14 business days)
revisions (1-5 business days)
final render (1-14 business days)
tweaks (1-2 business days)
So ideally, the client gets a finished commission in 3-6 weeks, so about 1-2 months. For larger projects I send more WIPs and the process is obviously longer. For simpler stuff like chibis, it's rarely a full six weeks. Over holidays I add an extra two weeks to my noted turn-around to account for IRL time off. On all my terms of service I have a maximum four months turn-around, essentially doubling the time I know my work flow is just in case there's some sort of medical or equipment emergency in my life that I need to account for that gives me a buffer (I also notify all clients)
Monday to Friday I wake up usually...late morning/early afternoon? I do anywhere from four to eight hours of artwork, broken up by walks, stretching, eating, cleaning, cooking, hanging out with my partner, etc. I look at my personal trello taskboard and emails to see what must be done and what can wait. I try to get at least 1-2 things done in a day though, be that sketches/line art/renders/revisions.
Right now I am looking at my email and task board, and the client with the highest wait time chronologically is someone who is waiting for their final render (sketch and line art already revised and done for them). Last email correspondence with them on the email says 9 days ago (so 7 business days, I'm supposed to take Sat-Sun off). Their order was paid in full and confirmed by me on November 9 and it is currently December 13, so I'm at about the 5 week mark (not accounting for delays in clients getting back to me of course) and I am very much On Course for my work load, no one has been without contact from me for 14 days or more so I'm pretty ahead of my game right now! I could take tomorrow off if I wanted, or only do 3-4 hours of work if I feel like it.
However the more work you finish and post, the more you show prospective clients your ability to finish orders and show your audience more art for engagement, so ideally I always like posting stuff when I can, it just creates a cycle of positive production and income.
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𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐋 𝐈𝐍𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍
• BEFORE YOU INTERACT. know that you are entering a domain of jjk-ccentric aesthetics, (satoru coded) heavy scaramouche and satosugu simping, and will be interacting with a blog user who, unfortunately, strives for perfection when it comes to her edits, and especially her stories.
• INTERACTIONS. tough subject considering my constant burnout that makes me all distant n' stuff, BUT I PROMISE YOU, i'm not the type of mutual who ignores on purpose. for context, actually, i wasn't like this back then, but considering my mental health these days, i've been less active, less interactive, and etc SOLELY because of this unwanted stress, and if you still plan on sticking around, thank you genuinely.
╰► AND I DON'T MIND INTERACTING WITH ALL AGES. only except; if you are a minor who runs a nsfw blog, producing explicit content, with utmost strictness and big sisterly love, please, get that case away from me.
• DO NOT INTERACT IF. you become weak to mentions of; blood, heavy descriptions of fighting, injuries, murder, war, death, mental health, sensitive and heavy topics, relationship triggers, traumatic events, suicide, age gaps, cheating, vulgarity, and many more — all these fall under the warning category of dead dove.
╰► I DON'T WANT YOU INTERACTING WITH ME knowing these things will make you uncomfortable, i'm thinking of your physical and mental health over here, and over mine.
• MUTUALS. *sighs dreamily* fuck i love you. i love you. thank YOU for following me back, thank YOU for interacting with my burned out ass at all. god, thank you and i love YOU and thank YOU for being patient with me, im so fucking honored to be mutuals with you, even in my silence or inactivity, thank you, i love you so much, you're so special.
CHIYOSO𝐇𝐔𝐁 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐃𝐔𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍
✐ FANDOMS I'M IN.
jujutsu kaisen, genshin impact, undead unluck, honkai star rail, honkai impact 3rd, frieren, demon slayer, tokyo revengers, attack on titan, welcome to the ballroom, haikyuu, blue locke, mystic messenger, obey me, tears of themis, love & deepspace, the ssum, epic seven, wuthering waves, zenless zen zero, and more weeb things. / ··· tba.
✐ CHARACTERS I'M WRITING FOR.
gojo satoru, geto suguru, scaramouche, wanderer, alhaitham, cyno, lyney, neuvillette, pantalone, dottore, undead (andy), fushiguro toji, fushiguro megumi, kento nanami, ryoumen sukuna, muzan kibutsuji, shinzugawa sanemi, rengoku kyojuro, rengoku shinjuro, ken ryuguji (draken), hanma shuji, blade, jing yuan, welt yang, dan heng, nanook, lan, argenti, gepard landau, luka, dr. veritas ratio.
✐ GENRES/TAGS I'LL WRITE.
nsfw, sensitive and heavy topics, female reader, breeding, degrading, cum kinks, praise, fluff, angst, mental illnesses i have (e.g. depression), comfort, no comfort, headcannons, thirsts, drabbles, submissive, dominant, hate sex, somnophillia, non-con, overstimulation, public fucking, masturbation, age gap (21+ reader obv), violence (for plot), aphrodisiacs, possessiveness, obsessive tendencies, fighting, realistic, modern au, smau, death, trauma, crossovers, dumbification, husband/wife, older characters, minority (only purely platonic), dark content, pregnancy, cheating, mental health, personal letters, song recommended fics, and more things that fall into the warning category of dead dove.
✐ YOU RECOMMEND THIS YOU'RE DELETED.
incest, stepcest, true yandere, cuckhold, scat, piss, irl politics, polygamy relationships, male!reader, trans!reader, eating disorders, disorders i'm not allowed to discuss.
╰► TO AVOID CONFLICT in regard to not writing for the opposite sex and the transgender pov, i simply cannot. i'm inexperienced in that field, and even i struggle a lot when writing the female pov as well.
understand that i am not able to because i am female myself, and even if i do take the route to research, it wouldn't feel comfortable for me, and i'm bound to get things wrong on some aspects. that's all. ⸻ (quick link to go to my inbox)
𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒 AND 𝐀𝐍𝐒𝐖𝐄𝐑𝐒
• AGED UP CHARACTERS?
uh, well. i am kinda tempted to write for aged up for some characters, but ONLY to those who are closest to my age like fushiguro megumi, 1-2 year gap of me and etc. as for characters like yanqing, or anyone else around his age, i'm not one to age up ones that are canonically young until said to be older, with that established, i'll be only writing platonic for characters like him.
• DO YOU WRITE—?
yeah. probably. go back to chiyosohub productions section and skim through the popular genres area, thats the shit i feel comfortable to write. ask for confirmation before requesting.
• ARE THESE REALLY YOUR EDITS?
mmhm, all of the media, dividers, banners and layouts are all from me and edited by me, please don't copy what took ages for me to finally settle on, thank you. besides, every edit has a well hidden watermark and cleverly placed too by yours truly.
• REQUESTS/COMMISSIONS?
i'm not in the right mental state to fulfill requests quickly in contrast to other writers, however, do feel free to pitch in ideas and, i'm actually considering comms for my editing work, but lmk if you wanna support me that way.
• WHY'RE YOU SO SLOW AT POSTING/ANSWERS?
right, i'm someone who frequently struggles with mental health, i consistently deal with burnout, exhaustion and perfectionism, plus i'm trying to break the cycle of my people pleasing too. my most recent relationship broke me to the point where nothing mattered but him, so, i'm quite literally learning to love things again—writing for example.
i'm not gonna be perfect at it, but i'll always try to strive for the best. i'm also stressing out about the fact that as someone who took a few years to take a break from school life, then suddenly i'm plunging in into a world where you train as an adult? shit is actually not helping my geto-like spiral lmao.
tl;dr writer deludes herself with hot fictional men, anime and games, all while college fucks up my sleep schedule even more. that, and her motivation's in constantly in vacation.
hope that answers your curiousities, good fuckin' luck interacting with my ass LMAO — chiyoso.
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Your blog is fantastic. As a women in these scary times, I’m looking for a way to act. Where can I find like-minded people to push this movement forward? It’s time to do instead of just thinking
HEY THANKS A MILLION!!!
I agree 100% - IT'S TIME FOR ACTION!!!
Here's my 1-2-3 recommendation to get you going, and for anybody who is also looking to step up their activism:
PICK THE CAUSE YOU ARE MOST PASSIONATE ABOUT, YOU CAN'T SOLVE EVERY PROBLEM AT ONCE.
Most caring folks have a lot of causes that they care about, and even within feminism / gender equality there are a TON of issues to address. My recommendation is to ask yourself, "what am I most motivated to work on, what am I passionate about?" and start there.
In my early 20's, after a busy week where I had been to various student group meetings around feminism, the environment, and the green party, I thought to myself, "there's no way I can effectively and actively support all these causes at once. I've got to pick a priority and work with that. I said to the universe, "what should my priority be?" and immediately got a thought, "stop rape." So while I read about and work on a number of causes, understanding and stopping sexual assault in all forms is my main focus.
Activism is challenging, and it can be easy to burnout, so the more drive and passion you have around the topic in the first place, the more fuel you'll have to burn! That said, pace yourself and take breaks when needed, see #3 below.
2. SEE WHAT PEOPLE ARE ALREADY DOING IN THAT SPACE, AND GET INVOLVED HOWEVER YOU CAN.
It is REALLY inefficient to try to "start from scratch." Building networks, resources and momentum takes a lot of work from a lot of people, so start by looking for groups addressing your passion issue.
Depending on whether you're looking to do activism "IRL" (on the streets, outreach, volunteers, etc.) and/or online, that will affect how wide your search for relevant groups goes. If nobody in your area is doing work you feel needs doing, see if other groups out of the area can serve as a model or template to get you started. Leverage the wisdom and problem-solving that a ton of people have already put and are currently putting into the problem!
Depending on your physical, time and financial resources, there are various ways to move these organizations forward: volunteer, organize online fundraisers, donate (if you have $ or goods), etc.
3. REMEMBER THAT ACTIVISM IS A PRACTICE NOT A TEST
This is a topic so important, I'm writing a longer post on it that I'll post here once I'm finished. 100% absolutism, purity tests and gatekeeping around movements undermine movements and contribute to their failure or marginalization.
Perfect example. I'm a vegetarian since high school, but in the time since, I haven't given one person grief about eating meat, and if someone said they wanted to go veggie but weren't sure they could give it up 100%, I'd say "GREAT! 10% veggie is better than 0%, 20%, 50%, all great, whatever you can do. This isn't a test."
LeBron James tried going vegan, then gave up when vegan gatekeepers gave him grief for some slippage. I was vegan for 2 years, you don't get a card, there's no magic vegan power (Scott Pilgrim reference), so while being 100% vegan, or ovo-lacto vegetarian (me) is great, I support people who are pescatarian, or flexitarian , ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN NOTHING.
Feminism does the same thing, when gatekeepers spend more time shaming other feminists for problematic faves or naive politics vs. being on the same team and focusing on education and affirmation. We lose so many people with the ALL OR NONE attitude it's sad.
If you don't meet your expectation or goals, don't treat that as a FAIL, just KEEP PRACTICIN'! Treating yourself with the care and consideration you show others will help keep you going through tough and challenging times.
HOPE THAT HELPS!!! LET'S DO THIS.
#feminism#feminist#feminist activism#feminist activist#activism#activist#gender inequality#gender oppression#gender equality
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TW: swearing, gender dysphoria, numbness, closeted, questioning, burnout maybe? Wholesome message at the end
I just feel so down rn, I've been reblogging my entire feed without even looking at it, just fucking numb. I've been crying randomly over every little thing the past couple of days, and I hate that I'm acting so weird. Most of this has been about clothes, except the one time I felt like my friend was mansplaining and trying to spew bullshit about my career choices. And tonight I was just gonna go have dinner at a really low end place, just because I needed to get my clothes from the laundry. The same friend told me to hurry up (he's my roommate) and I had to put on a dungaree that was pretty much just a pencil skirt. I was about to cry then and there, but somehow pulled myself up. All throughout dinner, I was just breaking up arguments between him and our 3rd roommate. By the time we were home I felt numb, and that's how I got here.
Tbh, I've always been a little genderfucked. Throughout my years of being queer, i couldn't use a label, because i went from trans to bigender to nonbinary (both) to trigender to nonbinary (none) to pangender to uncomfortable-with-neo-pronouns to maybe genderfluid and maybe xenopronouns.
Now I really enjoy the life i have, but to be in the closet 24/7 irl and to be shut off from most interactions with my online friends is really taking a toll on me. Day in and day out to be seen as nothing but what i was born as, as if I've never grown or changed.
Hospitality is a shit industry, especially for part time workers with an edu loan to pay, so I don't even try to make my identity known there.
Both my roommates are great, but they can be a handful, and that's when I'm not even out to them. It's not because they're cishet, they can just be a bit toxic and generally unsafe.
I'm finding it harder each day to suppress these random urges to break tf down, and it might be GD, or maybe burnout.
Of course, I went on my safe circle discord server, and they suggested rooftop screams, so here goes.
To anyone who feels like I do, whether about gender or anything else, create your safe circle. It might be 10 people, or it might be 2. Parents, friends, mutuals, whoever. Let it out, and believe in the secure knit of what you have made. You're not burdening anyone, and you don't need to apologize for dumping. The circle is meant for that, and unless you breach this place by disregarding someone's emotions or leaking someone's deep dark fears as hot tea, you deserve to be there. Treat everyone in this circle gently, your own self too. Trust so fully that you can't suspect a lie in anything said within this bubble. Let someone know everything, highs and lows alike. Remember not to hand out personal details to the wrong people, but have faith in them nonetheless. Live for a bit, eat, go out, have fun. Just remember to bring good company.
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Reading the Harbinger reader brainrot has brought back my own brainrot specifically about Diluc and Kaeya.
Basically the reader is a retired harbinger who turned in their resignation due to reasons they don't want to speak of but they have to constantly remind people that they're retired because everyone assumes they're going to cause trouble when they just want to eat and sleep. They catch the attention of the knights and Diluc after moving to Mondstadt for their retirement. Then some more issues with the Fatui pop up involving delusions and the reader gets dragged into it (literally at some point) complaining the entire time because God fucking dammit they just want to enjoy their meal in peace you fucking assholes! Let them sleep!!!!
I haven't been following you for long but what I enjoy most is your writing. It might be hard to believe but your writing is pretty damn good and I always find myself coming back to reread your stuff (specifically about Rubedo) although I don't really understand the people who simp for Scaramouche (too smol for my liking lol) you do you, I ain't gonna say anything when I simp for an attempted serial killer (Rubedo)
I also just relate to your current issue with burnout. I don't know if burnout is the right word but I've been in that state for years now. It's been forever since I properly wrote smth and even then I never like them because I lose motivation easily and it looks like shit (to me) though the reason it's been so long is probably because I have been diagnosed with depression.
Other than that you just seem like a fun person to chat with and be around irl, the kind of friend I'd share a sense of humor with and such. It's easy to tell just from the way your write your posts.
Again, hope you feel better soon from this burnout! There's no need to rush things as Zhongli would say as long as you don't push it, I'm sure your burnout will end soon!
🐈⬛-anon hopefully I'm using the right emoji
i do relate to your harbinger reader can’t lie, I have had days where all I would like to do is sleep and have some peace and quiet but-
well life isn’t as kind as i’d like it to be lmfao
Nice idea, maybe develop it a little more and I’m sure you could honestly make a series out of it, I understand feeling like everything you come up with is shit honestly. But then I remember I’m a harsh critic on myself, I’m probably nastier than any reader to myself about my own work. I realised that yesterday when I wrote something I finally thought was good enough, but then I reread my old stuff and yes, although my writing has improved imo, there was still some good ideas there, and I didn’t let them flourish too much because I thought they were bad. I kind of regret it now.
So my advice, don’t listen to yourself that much. I’m sure what you’re thinking about or your writing itself isn’t shit. There’s always room for improvement, but you have to take the first step to make that improvement. Practice makes perfect my friend :,)
But thank you, I’m glad you see me that way !! We probably do have some similarities, but only time will tell about that
Ah, I can’t not listen to the ex-geo archon ): I shouldn’t rush, you are right indeed Zhongli <3
I hope you feel better soon too, my friend. If you haven’t already, I hope you receive treatment soon. I’m currently going through that stage now. You’ll have bad days, you’ll have good, just don’t give up <3
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life entry 3
Alright, got some improvements but also got the realizations you get when you’re alone in the summer. Also having a brain fog rn so I’m barely typing this even though I want to, guess I’m just too tired to express myself. Hope this’ll be readable
Found The App
So I’ve finally worked on my term paper even if it’s for 40 minutes. And it’s thanks to Habitica! (I swear to fucking god I’m not sponsored, just want to share bc it’s awesome). It basically gamifiies your routine and to-do lists. As you complete tasks, you level up you little character and get coins, which you can use for cute armor and other stuff. I’m still at lvl 3 because I recently started using this but I think I’ll also be able to do some quests, raids and whatnot. Also choose my class from lvl 10 I think (you’re a warrior by default, but I’ll most likely change it to mage). I love that you can separate stuff that you need to do daily from your habits and from things you just need to do once.I have huge problems with eating on time, taking meds and remembering to brush my teeth twice a day so that’s mainly why I use the app. Yesterday it even helped me to go outside even though it was really hard for me to do that. Speaking of which...
Socializing And Just Being With Other People Sure Is Fucking Tiring
And this is coming from a person who’s studying psychology in uni. It’s truly a pity that I realized I can’t stand another person in the same room for more than a few minutes this late. Better late than never I guess. Well, technically I can but it’ll definitely leave a negative impact on me, for example - an entire burnout, even if that person is my friend. I can be a great acquaintance and student on distance, but I’m sure as soon as we stop having classes in zoom - I’ll start failing because just being there wil drain my energy out. Sooo... yeah, finding a remote job is definitely one of my dreams now. And I’ll try my best to find a field in psychology that doesn’t require constantly being with people and analyzing them, maybe I could just work with data and write reports and stuff.
It’s not that I hate people, it’s just that they’re really stressful to me if it’s irl, it’s much worse if I have work to do at the same time. Maybe this has something to do with me having ADHD and very likely being on spectrum.
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I know I don't post much. It's hard keeping up with life, responsibilities, and all the damn social media platforms @_@ there's too many. I've been Big Sad lately and haven't like... been able to do much about it? So I'm probably gonna go back on antidepressants or smth, cuz therapy alone isn't enough rn.
But like, I guess life update?
[This is where I'd put a read more line if I could figure out how to do it on mobile]
I got married. I have a puppy. I have a home. Things I should be happy about. But, y'know, brain gremlins out here makin me eat away at myself with worry over all those things, and others.
I come back occasionally when I'm braindead and need to scroll. Admittedly I should probably change what blogs I'm following for a lot of reasons. Been following pretty much all the same blogs since.... 2015? A lot of those blogs have changed what their theme is, and frankly I'm just not interested in those themes. I have to be a lot more conscientious about how I spend my spoons.
But, a big reason I stopped coming to Tumblr was the fact that I followed a lot of blogs where folks talked about their own mental health and/or darker themes. I thought it was helping me feel less alone, but eventually it became a feedback loop for my own struggles. Coming to Tumblr wasn't a relief for my depression, it was making it worse. It didn't occur to me that this was the case until I got hospitalized. I know I can change who I follow, limit what content I see etc. But it takes time and energy to cultivate that.... Time and energy I just haven't had since then.
I don't think anyone followed me closely enough to wonder where I went, or really read through all of these kinds of posts. Mostly I think it was the few IRL friends who follow me on Tumblr, idk how many of y'all still use it. But, if any of you were wondering, thanks for reading up ❤️ Admittedly things have been more up than down in general the past 5 years, I'm just Going Through It rn cuz of burnout.
Love y'all, and hope you're safe~
#mental health#life update#about me#if you read the whole thing then i love you#I don't make the rules
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what your favourite genshin impact character says about you: no holding back edition
i’m finally allowed to post again!!! great joy
aether/lumine: you’re basic as hell sorry . also stop fighting over who the better twin is they’re literally the same person but different genders. you’re pretty fun to be around ig but i feel like you eat food off the floor. 5 second rule not 5 hour rule ok
amber: ok i’ve actually met a bunch of people whose fav is amber and you guys are actually really sweet but pls learn when to stfu you’re so loud . also you guys go feral whenever someone (everyone else in the fandom) says amber sucks like chill bae
kaeya: jesus fucking christ your horny is off the scale. every kaeya stan i’ve ever met cant keep it in their pants. and we know the only reason you like him is bc of his giga bouncer supreme ultra man rack 3000. stop saying you want him to smother you with his tits. get some help.
lisa: YOU GUYS ARE COOL AS HELL!!!!!! as someone who relates to lisa you’re very cool. most chill people to be around and you’re definitely super smart. not lazy but just reserved. 11/10. oh btw do you use her for climbing?
diluc: do you have daddy issues? you guys definitely have a thing for the tsundere archetype and you probably like zhongli too. just admit you want diluc to do the kabedon thing on you and move on. we know what you’re like. also how does it feel being so short? i swear every diluc stan is small as hell
jean: YOU GUYS are so sweet pls whenever i play co op with a jean main it’s just like wow you’re so strong and nice and thanks for healing my entire team wow........ however although you’re so responsible you probably enjoy cancelling people on twitter for fun . sorry
venti: VENTI STANS. I LOVE YOU. is it partially because i myself am a huge venti stan? yeah no. you probably missed out on his first banner and are saving for his rerun..... same......... anyways you guys give off the best vibes n it’s always so fun to be with you. i love you all
razor: i have one question for you guys . did you either like warrior cats or were you a wolf kid?
albedo: you guys are so smart wtf !!!!!!!!! you’re so rational in co op mode too and if you have albedo you probably use him as a sub dps for your teammates bc you’re so good at reading situations........ then again you also have some weird shit going on like cmon it’s milk after cereal you psychopaths
sucrose: you either kin sucrose or are creepy sorry . ok but she’s so underrated like her passive 3........ WOAH.............. you definitely use her in spiral abyss,,, also are you a burnout successful kid who used to kiss teachers’ asses and middle school was a breeze before getting to college/university and realising that professors don’t give a shit anymore? wow who would have guessed
diona: wannabe catgirls assemble! please move on from your warrior cats phase you’re almost as bad as the razor stans but you’re adorable too. you probably want qiqi or klee but don’t have them so you’re settling for diona
barbara: thanks for healing my team in co op barbara stans !!!! you guys are genuinely so nice omg thank you for being so reliable all the time,,, do you highlight your notes so it’s more art than notes? yeah that’s what i thought
mona: ok if no one else is gonna say it i will,,, no one understands shit about your astrology thing going on. i’m a caprisun? great
bennett: YOURE ALL ADORABLE. thanks for helping us out in co op!!!! you definitely advocate for bennett rights and yes pls do,,,, we all love benny deep down!!!! you either don’t have him or have him at like C218372
fischl: jojo stans
just kidding but you all probably act like fischl irl. also did you have an emo phase
klee: ok if your favourite is klee you definitely don’t have her . waiting patiently for klee’s rerun!!!! shes just so adorable and so are you guys,,,,, so fun to be around !!!!! you probably have diluc and hate him
noelle: you guys....... the rarest of the rare. you love trying to convince people that she’s a great healer dps n everything else...... no bae you probably use her because you like geo and claymores like hmm yes i will now hit things hard with my big sword and rock power
ok onto liyue now sweats nervously
childe: you guys are ALL simps. ALL OF YOU. go n touch some grass bro!!!!! you either think he’s super sexy or you bully him and make the ed sheeran jokes (not funny) . you follow griffin burns on tiktok too dont you
zhongli: you either love him for his gentle demeanour or you want him for his fat giga dumptruck 3000. make up your minds!!!!! you guys are so clueless in co op mode but you’re hilarious. you probably have his energy recharge at like 200% so you can use his ult and hear I WILL HAVE ORDER every 4 seconds
xiao: STOP GROWLING AT PEOPLE. every xiao main is so aggressive not joking . yeah the only reason you saved for him is because you want to stare at him all day n listen to him growling . you guys genuinely scare me . no he would not hold ur hand and do cute things with you,,,,,, if given half the chance he’d probably decapitate you
ningguang: alright jeff bezos, hand over the cash. yeah so you’re either rolling in it or want to be her sugar baby. but you guys have such an intimidating aura like playing with ning mains is just .... you always build her so well she’s an absolute tank!!!!!! thanks for scaring the shit out of me but also protecting me
beidou: YOU GUYS. you’re fun to be around but i also feel like you could probably destroy me in 3 seconds flat !!!!!!!! do you hate diluc too? i love playing with you guys because all i hear is TO ASHES every 2 seconds and she’s just cool as hell so yeah i really like beidou stans. i feel like you all have her so congrats
qiqi: you’re so cute,,,,, best healer !!!! you probably love playing qiqi because her skills look so cool and you prefer playing heal/support,, if you don’t have her you just love her bc she’s so tiny . spoiler alert but do you have a thing against xiao for killing her lol
xiangling: you’re so chaotic help,, you definitely pair her with xinyan too because you give off the most uncontrollable vibes,,,,,,, did you level her to use her in the spiral abyss or do you just think polearms are neat and don’t have xiao or zhongli
xinyan: please reread xiangling paragraph but replace polearm with claymore . you like either bring me the horizon or bubblegum pop there’s no in between
chongyun: you’re all the nicest people ever and you’re so chill . you love chongyun with your whole hearts and i adore you !!!!!! the animation of him eating the popsicle melts your hearts (no pun intended) and you just think he’s really cool :( ily all
xingqiu: chongyun vibes but make it kinda unnerved . burnout successful kids 2.0 ,,,,, are you clever too? you also love xingqiu and believe he’s worthy of being a 5 star with his heal and damage reduce !!!!! he’s so helpful wtf and so are you . please stop going on about his legs though it’s highkey weird asf
keqing: COOL PERSON SYNDROME! i main this gal so i love you all . do you get as mad as i do when people say she doesn’t deserve to be a 5 star? yeah . are you a procrastinator and try and take lessons from keqing but are just so lazy? do you use her teleport because you can’t be bothered to climb mountains? yeah that’s what i thought
ganyu: you’re all the nicest people alive and i adore you all . thanks for being so kind in co op mode . every ganyu main i’ve met is so sweet and you’re all so powerful too woah....... you hate the cocogoat jokes too >:( pls mihoyo give her more attention !!!!!
scaramouche: you have rights guys we know you exist. also we know you want him to be playable. we know that you think his hat is neat. we know you love this shawty but please be quiet.
signora: wait you guys exist
hu tao: you prank people for fun like pls stop im so on edge when youre around . plus i feel you laugh at videos of babies falling over n shit,,,,,,, you cant wait for her banner but also please shut the fuck up
dainsleif: please leave me the fuck alone we did 1 (one) quest with him and you’re all obsessed with him . ok second hand dmitri from fire emblem you want a medal for being a fucking simp?
#for practical purposes this is a joke#a very loaded joke#so uh pls don’t get mad at me#genshin impact#genshin impact x you#genshin impact memes#kaeya x you#childe x you#zhongli x you#xiao x reader#diluc x you#genshin impact x reader#genshin venti#genshin xiao
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Day off
i put in a request to have 2 additional days off due to burnout and got them woohoo!
but it sucks that i have to do that in the first place.
just venting random shit about life as a almost 30 yr old lol kinda personal but i need to get this out
Long post lol
Funny how i havent done this since...idk when i stopped posting to tumblr. the difference between here and twitter is that twitter is more public while tumblr no one (other than a few irl friends who might still be here lol) knows me irl. I like the privacy of it but also the lack of privacy since im posting to a bunch of "strangers". i'm journaling which helps my brain but something about posting to a website blog changes it lol
Lately ive been thinking about adulthood and how im adjusting. Obviously, 3 years of a pandemic certainly didn't help my development lol plus the trauma of grad school and just adjusting being out of school really hit me.
I'm turning 29 this year and it feels like the years 27-28 has been just a blur due to pandemic, graduating during a pandemic, moving out, getting a job i hate to getting a job in my field to now looking for places to move to again.
I have no direction right now and it's been freaking me out but im doing that thing where i have no idea how to proceed so i just go on auto mood and just survive (wake up, go to work, get home, eat, dick around and go to sleep). other than the few helpful activities (journaling, face care routine, and drinking water *i use to be so bad at this lol*) im pretty much just here.
im going to rest on my days off but also try to improve myself and setting up goals bc i really don't want to be this way by 30 lol
#hello this is just a personal post#trying to free up some space in my brain#it kinda helped lol#making popcorn chicken and tater tots lol not healthy but at least im eating since i tend to ignore that until im starving#which im thinking it's more procrastination than anything to do with actual food
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