#And both are very intense! I know I know the human condition. The feminine condition! Lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thefanbasewhore · 3 years

Note

Can you do a soulmate Stucky x reader? I feel like you would write that so well, especially how you portrayed bucky in "are you mad at me" was so soft. The soulmate version would be so cute

Summary || Bucky and Steve meet their soulmate, which they had no idea existed.

Warning/content || fluff, a small explicit scene, fighting. Soulmate AU.

Paring || Bucky Barnes x reader x Steve rogers

I got a little carried away, but enjoy ❤️ not edited or beta read but I'm sleepy 😴

Bucky and Steve have had each other from the moment they have met. Imaging their surprise, being two little boys from Brooklyn seeing colors, something the two agreed to hide, pending the time period.

It was different now, a different time. They were accepted and while both of them loved each other, so very much, especially through the mind control, fighting each other, then for each other. They always knew something was missing.

A color, maybe even two, three. A part of them missing but they both collectively came to the conclusion that it was just that. Some missing colors, it happens sometimes.

It happens when they least expect it.

After Thanos, after Tony finally deciding to leave that kind of life behind, buying a small two bedroom house on the outskirts of the city. A home to grow old in, be together for the first time since before the war started but only one thing prevented that.

The house was a disaster, gutted to the foundations, no running water, green moss outside covered the whole house, the lawn completely out of control. For Bucky it was a hard no, it was a dump but the moment Steve fluttered those ridiculously long lashes, how could he say no?

So here they are, sweating on this 90 degree day, putting up new dry wall with no air-conditioning.

"What color should it be?" Steve asks, glancing to his dark haired lover, taking notice of his now shirtless appearance. Bucky let out a sigh, wiping the sweat from his forehead.

"Maybe we should get all of the walls up first."

Steve clicks his tongue, "I like the color green, like a nice pastel mint green."

"Whatever you want, honey." Bucky wasn't too picky, besides whatever made Steve happy, made him happy.

"Hello?" A sweet, feminine voice came from the kitchen. The doors left open because of the heat, there was nothing much in here anyways.

Steve pulls away from his task, pulling his shirt over his head to wipe his forehead with it. "Come in, we are in the kitchen."

Bucky wasn't too alarmed, Steve had told him previously that he hired a someone to make up the yard, nothing too fancy but the both of them were completely clueless when it came to plants, or gardens period.

"Quite a project you have going on here, Mr. Rogers." No doubt taking in the half gutted house along the way. While they have never met, they spoke on the phone briefly about his wants.

"You have no idea, Hun."

The woman looks around the kitchen first, noticing the freshly painted cabinet, the smell a dead giveaway, half eaten burgers thrown to the side on a small, make shift table with barely enough room to fit.

At first glance towards the man she notices the sharp jawline, defined but soft feature of the blonde as she greets him with a smile which soon drops in confusion as small dots of color appear. Stormy blue eyes with a full beard, Steve's mouth dropping agape as he notices the splirts of color - the missing colors for 106 years finally appear.

Bucky notices the tension in the room, shifting his attention from the wall to Steve, noticing how intensely he's staring, Bucky follows the line of vision and meets sweet eyes.

She's hit with another line of color, different from Steve's but now there's no more gray hue, bright yellows and blues. The outside is suddenly so bright and Bucky mouth drops.

This cannot be happening.

They sit there and stare for what seems like hours.

"I - ugh.." she starts, "What is happening?"

***

Sometimes life just throws curve balls, like finding out that your soulmate or in this cause soulmates are two, one hundred year old super soldiers who have already been in love with each other for over a decade.

The pull is already strong, nature intended for these souls to be together until death due part and honestly Bucky could feel it. With Steve he was used to the urge of wanting to have him close, kiss him every free minute he has but with the woman in front of him, it's new.

He doesn't even know her name, watches the way she nervously flickers from Steve's gaze to his own. She's beautiful.

Strong but delicate features, the curve of her nose is cute, cupid lips are so full... kissable. He can't stop staring, even with Steve and her in the mist of conversation. The make shift table cleared of all prior mess, Buck and Steve have to share a chair, which is quite comical, seeing two giant supersoldier try to share a small, old, dinning room seat.

Bucky's metal fingers twitch, metal plate click and whirl to life as he tights to urge to map her face out with his fingers. His heart is beating so fast, filled with so much... Love? Joy?

No matter how much Steve and Bucky try to hide it.. deep down they always knew, something was missing and in this case, someone.

"You're beautiful." The words catch both her and Steve off guard, Bucky blushes red something terrible but the sweet smile defuses the fire.

Well until she says something back, "You are too."

His whole face is hot and Steve reaches over to affectionately rub the back of his shoulder. Of course Steve was calm, he always is.

He handles things with lots of thought and understanding, while Buck is more hot headed, acts on the moment.

***

"It doesn't feel right." Bucky comments, watching from the window to insure she safely gets into the car. Steve sighs, by the time they're done talking darkness has filled the house. Steve affectionately squeezes the brunette's bicep, pressing a kiss to his hair.

"I know Bucky. This is a lot for her, for us. She needs to take time and reflect on this. She'll come to us when she's ready."

Bucky knows nothing then her name, and love for plants but chews at his bottom lip nervously. She's too far, the bond pulls at his heart strings. Now bonded forever. "What if she never comes back?"

"She will."

***

A few days pass, the kitchen is finally done, new appliances, new china and kitchen fully stocked. Steve is making something for Dinner - it smells amazing while Bucky starts painting the walls of the lifeless living room.

It's bare, not even something to sit on but no doubt with the stamina of two super soldiers it will be done by next week.

The knock on the front door is unexpected, but Bucky replies quickly. "I got it, Stevie!"

He expects some older, much wrinkly neighbor to be complaining about the noise of the nail gone or something this late at night. His mouth drops, a little shocked at the sight of her.

A very formal sitting dress, long and black, dips into a sweetheart neckline, the valley of her breasts easily visible. Hair is thrown into a neat updo, sexy and sleek.

Bucky clears his throat. "Hi." He squeaks out, feeling like a total idiot as he watches her nervously shift her weight from one heel to the other.

"Hi, I was in the area. A wedding for one my clients, thought I'd come say hello." Bucky wants to shake his head in disbelief that something so beautiful, just like Steve is made for him.

The universe sculpted and made two beautiful, breath taking human beings to be his and it's overwhelming. She's so pretty it's alarming.

It was a good excuse, the truth but not the real reason she stopped by. How could she tell them that they have been on her mind none stop? It physically hurts to be away for so long.

"Who is it, Buck?" Steve mumbles, interrupting the thick tension between the two.

"Come in, doll." Bucky's helps her with the jacket that lays over his shoulders, mentioning his head towards the direction of the kitchen, where his other lover is.

Steve is stunned none the less, he at least expected a few more days. Also, feeling much like Bucky, amazed by the radiating beauty.

He decides to play it cool, dimples forming with a breath taking smile. "Do you like spaghetti?"

Hours pass, time moves so fast with conversation, and adding wine to the mix surely didn't help.

The trio once again in the kitchen, but this time each have a chair, a new, more comfortable dinning set.

"You got this done fast. It's beautiful." She comments, "Colors are beautiful, I guess I have you two to thank for that."

Bucky shifts in his seat, the glass of wine is useless but still finds himself sipping from it. Her eyes are red, watery with a slight buzz.

"Do you feel it?" The question has both Bucky and Steve look at each other, watching her teary eyes as she presses a hand to sooth the ache in her chest. "It hurts, it hurts to be away. All week."

"It's normal." Steve answers just above a whisper, his next words make Bucky's bottom lip quiver. "I felt it every day for the last 5 years, Bucky was gone."

Bucky had never thought about it - there hasn't been enough time to. It's only been a month later since the return and it never occurred to him what Steve has gone through.

"Steve.." He starts, tears kiss his waterline as his fingers run through the blonde's hair. "I'm sorry sweetheart, I didn't know, I -."

"Couldn't prevent it Buck. It happened but you're here now and.." Steve turns his attention towards the girl, tears slip past her eyelids. It's for Steve, for Bucky.. all the pain and suffering they've been through. "Hey, don't cry, it's alright beautiful."

It's feels right, despite barely knowing the man, nothing feel more right then being pulled into his chest as a large metal hand comforts her in a different way, rubbing the loose strands of hair as he murmurs. "We've got you now, you're our other half."

***

Months have past from that day. The house is finally done, everything they could have imagined with the additional of an extra tooth brush in the cup that sits on the bathroom sink, a pile of fuzzy blankets at the bottom of the bed and a five year old chocolate lab. Steve didn't mind much, he's always loved dogs, Bucky on the other hand...

"Alright, alright, Maverick." Bucky huffs, grocery bags in hand as the dog excitedly nuzzles his legs, following him throughout the house like it wasn't only an hour ago he's seen him. Once putting the bags down, hears the whine, big brown eyes staring up at him. Bucky sighs, dropping to a knee before petting the pup's head. "Alright you mutt, don't tell anyone about this."

"Too late, pal." Bucky jumps, hearing the amusement in Steve's voice, followed by the giggle of the woman that peers out from behind him. Wrapping her arms around Steve before testing her head against his shoulder.

"Caught you red handed, you love Mav." Bucky grumbles at her words, feeling two smaller hands wrap around his waist as a head falls into his chest. He presses a soft kiss into her hair before taking in the blonde that barely fits through the doorway he leans against.

Bucky's free hand reaches out, mentioning him closer but as she's soon finds herself in the middle of a super soldier sandwich. "Hi, baby." Bucky presses a kiss to the blonde's lips.

"Hi, pal."

***

"It's only one mission. That's it, we will be in and out." Steve promises, not liking the way his girls face twist into a worried expression.

Heavy eyes, lower lip sticking out to pout. "What if something happens? If you get hurt? Or if they find you, Bucky?"

"I told you, Hydra is gone, honey." Bucky's large hands sooth over her tight shoulders, pressing soft kisses to the back of her upper traps.

"No. You still have nightmares at least three times a week. This can't be good for you. And you." She turns her attention back towards Steve, "Barely sleep four hours a night. You carry the fault on your shoulders, you don't need anymore. I don't want you two to go."

"We don't have a choice. They were my family once, I owe this to them." Steve didn't miss the way her lips moves to form a snarl, not sparing another glance as she makes a b-line for the stairs.

Bucky sighs, leaning against the wall. "She's going to be mad at us." Rubbing his chest with hopes to ease the burn.

The bond pulls at their hearts, a slow, painful punishment for their actions.

They return two weeks later, tired, just wanting to see their girl. The moment they walk into the house they look at each other with will wild eyes, heart pumping as they fear the worse. The dog, the annoying wiggling tail that would bark is one where to be found, something is wrong.

It's alarming. "Where is that freaking mutt?"

Steve calls her name, but there is no answer. Bucky and him are searching the house, ascending the stairs, opening the bedroom door with a deep sigh of relief.

The stupid dog takes up half of the bed, but is cuddled into his owner. Arm draped around the ball of fur, amount as long as her.

The dog lifts his head, a little tail waggle as Steve stretches his ears, lowering to his knees and laying his top half over the bed to press loud, audible kisses to his ears. "Good boy, protecting our girl while we are gone."

When morning comes she notices the dog is still pressed against her, licking small stripes against her cheeks. "Have to go out, buddy?"

She barely makes it five steps before tripping over two rather large bodies, sleeping on a makeshift bed on the floor. Bucky groans and Steve's eyes flicker open.

"Why are you on the floor?"

"Wanted you to sleep pretty girl. Mav was taking up all the room and you looked like an angel." Bucky hums in agreement despite his eyes being closed.

"Mmm, well it's all free now." It's short, simple but the sarcastic tone has Bucky's eyes flickering to meet his boyfriend's. They both sigh, staring up at the ceiling, knowing it's going to be a long day.

And it is. She's does whatever she can to get away from them, only answers with short replies to the point Bucky can't take it anymore.

"Sweetheart," Bucky tries again but she doesn't acknowledge him, eyes stayed glued to the book. He gets fed up, metal plates click as artificial appendages run over the binding and pull it from her grasp.

"Give it back, James."

He cringes at the name, a displeased frown wears his face. "No, you have to talk to us."

"No."

"You're bring a brat." Bucky starts, watching her expression change from annoyed to anger, wrinkles of frustration pinch between her eyebrows.

"Buck - don't say that to her." Steve comments, it's his fault, he's the one who said yes without confiding in her first.

"She is, it's over with now. She has no right to be this mad."

"No right?" Her chest fills with emotion as a humourless chuckle causes both men to stiffen. "No right? Huh Buck? I sat here for two full weeks, no communication, nothing while the two of you are out there fighting God knows what after you swore, promised you would always be with me. Don't promise me forever if you're just going to throw yourself in danger! You're going to die and leave me, or worse! Both of you will."

No one says a word, only watch as her chest rises and falls with deep, heavy pants despite the tears that rolls past her eyes lashes.

"Honey, I'm sorry -."

"I don't want to hear it James, and you." She turns towards Steve, fire in her soul. "I thought you would understand, more then him, considering it has happened to you."

She leaves the room without another word, Buck turns towards Steve, watching the way he fights the tears that gather. The pain of loosing Bucky is still so fresh, "She's right Buck, we fucked up."

"I know, I know." He mumbles into Steve's shoulder, pulling him close.

***

"You're so good to me, sweet girl." Bucky moans as she shifts her hips against him, the blunt end of his cock hitting the spot inside her that makes her squeal for more.

Large hands squeeze her hips as Steve leans over to find his boyfriend's lips, kissing him through the gasps and whines of their girl's name as she circles her hips around Bucky.

Steve's hands pull at his hair, lips trailing from his lips, down his cheeks before nipping at his jaw.

"How does he feel honey?"

"So good, Stevie." For a second he's in a trance, watching the way her face contours with pleasure and the pain of her third orgasm well on its way.

Steve lays next to Buck, hand wrapping around his own heaviness between his legs as he stokes it, switching between her face of pleasure to Bucky's, who bites his lip to suppress a moan.

It's short lived as hips stutter against her own, coating her walls with his warm cum.

Steve barely gives her time to recover, positioning her on his hands and knees before hovering over her ear and nibbling on it. "My turn, honey."

***

Her hands nervously shake, the kitchen table is all set up, dinner is ready but at the moment she doesn't have an appetite.

Between this morning sickness, the overall change her body is under going, food makes her sick. The opening of the front door makes her sit up straight, sucking in a deep breath.

Two voices conversationing in the hall, "I thought I said for you to lock the door when we leave." Buck is clearly annoyed, it's been a long day but Steve rubs his shoulders, mumbling something incoherent.

Upon entering the kitchen, they both grow worried. Face drained of color, red blotchy eyes with shaky hands.

"Hey, hey." Steve drops to his knees in front of her seat in an instant, hands curling around her wrist as worried steel blue eyes follow his stance, reaching over to stroke her cheek. "What is it? What happened?"

"I'm pregnant." She pauses, "I'm scared, I'm scared. What if someone comes for you? How are we supposed to raise a baby? What if it has the serum, will it ever be safe?"

The questions fill Bucky with dread, how much though put into every sentence, every word is like a new hit of pain to his body but he stays strong. For his girl, he leans forward, wiping the tears away from discolored cheeks. "Everything is going to be fine babydoll, you're going to be fine, our baby is going to be fine."

#bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #bucky x you #bucky fluff #fatws bucky #bucky x y/n #bucky fic #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers imagine #steve rogers #steve x bucky #steve x reader #stucky x you #stucky x y/n #stucky x reader #stucky

715 notes · View notes

autisticandroids · 3 years

Note

Okay so this was a while back but im preety sure you had mentioned an au of yours where dean is a serial killer and cas successfully stalks him but i don't think you talked about it more than that and i just really want to hear a bit more bc that idea sounds so tastefully fucked up

okay so. weeks later i finally end up answering this ask. it inspired this post btw. anyway spn is a show that's like. all about justifications, as i said in the post inspired by this ask. it's about having no choice and doing what you have to do. and like there is the phantasy embedded in it, a phantasy that is both indulged and punished. but most importantly it's justified. the monsters are super strong to show how brave our heroes are for fighting them, the main characters let out great wails of grief every time their lady loves are violently ripped from them (even though now they are free to do whatever they want), the narrative twists to show our heroes as correct whatever they do. the fantasy (of being allowed to enact violence, of being free from feminine "control," of being right) comes first. the material construction of the universe of supernatural comes afterward. whatever the fantasy is, the universe of supernatural will provide material conditions to justify its acting-out.

and what this means is that our protagonists, dean in particular, are constantly doing just horrific things, which in any other circumstance would be unconscionable. but the universe of supernatural provides justification for these acts. the point of my serial killer au which i think about so so so much is to ask the question: what if these justifications melted out from under their feet? what if dean was left holding nothing but a lie and the weight of everything he's done?

therefore, the premise of my au is such (under the cut because this baby is long):

john and mary winchester, in the mid seventies, joined a doomsday cult known as the men of letters. the men of letters were rather unusual for a doomsday cult, in that they believed that the apocalypse could be prevented by human behavior. this started as correct living, correct worship, yadda yadda, the kind of behavior and thought control that cults are known for, but with the justification of: if you don't do this, the world will end. eventually, this escalated to human sacrifice. the men of letters managed to untraceably kill two homeless people in the late seventies. but they eventually fell apart. however, a month after john and mary left the men of letters (mostly john's choice, mary still believed), mary died in a house fire. john took it as a sign from god that actually, the men of letters were right, and the world would end unless john himself did something about it. so he took some of the (intensely numerological) theology of the men of letters. and he worked out his own formula. and he applied it to the yellow pages. and started ritualistically killed people to prevent the apocalypse, with his two sons in the back of the car.

now, obviously, this is some kind of grief induced temporary madness on john's part, shaped by the mental abuse he suffered in the men of letters. but the thing is, once you've killed a couple of people to prevent the apocalypse. well. there's this thing called the sunk costs fallacy. john wasn't gonna question his own beliefs after that.

and he raised his boys to believe it, too, or at least he raised dean to. they didn't tell sam what they did until he was twelve, and sam didn't buy it, tried to call the cops on them several times but in the end, they always prevented him. eventually sam ran off to stanford, where he now lives under a cloud of guilt that he's too loyal to his family to rat them out.

john died a few years back of a heart attack, but dean is convinced it's because he messed up a ritual two weeks before it happened, so it pushed him further into this belief system.

dean's killings (and john's before him) are ritualistic and distinctive, obviously the same killer each time. but they happen anywhere in the united states, seemingly at random, there are inconsistent amounts of time between each one (sometimes as short as days, sometimes as long as years), and there is no particular victim profile. obviously, since our killers are following an arcane mathematical formula to make their choices for them, but the police don't know that.

castiel novak is an unemployed shut-in with a small inheritance which he's living off of, a cryptography degree, and an obsession with all things morbid. he spends most of his time on the reddit true crime forums, playing amateur sleuth. by complete chance, he happens to recognize one of the symbols frequently used in corpse displays by the so-called sioux falls satanic slaughterer (so named because the first time three of his victims were in the same part of the country, it so happened that they were all in sioux falls, south dakota. this was in the late eighties.) as being mostly only used by a little known cult group called the men of letters, which dissolved in the mid eighties.

he only notices this because, as a teen, he had a special interest in cults and fringe religious groups. the men of letters weren't a particularly notable or well known phenomenon; they were small, and a lot like every other cult that formed during the seventies cult boom. (no outsider ever heard about the human sacrifice; there were rumors, of course, but they were garbled, sensationalized, and mixed up with satanic panic fodder.)

(the men of letters' two sacrifices were nothing particularly romantic or fantastical. they first lured panhandler josie sands back to their compound with promises of food and a warm bed when she admitted she couldn't get a bed at a shelter, and was thinking of getting caught shoplifting just so she could be under a roof in the county jail. the men of letters' leader, a man who took on the name alistair, forced his inner circle to dress in the ceremonial black robes he had given them when he initiated them into his nearest and dearest, and which his wife had sewn out of old bed sheets and dyed black with home made oak gall dye. these robes still left black smudges on the wearer's skin occasionally if they sweated too much. josie was laid, bound, on the altar, a slapdash thing constructed over the course of two days from scrap plywood and a couple of milk crates. a rich red tablecloth purchased at macy's for $3.99 hid its ugliness and gave it grandeur. alistair attempted to kill the struggling miss sands by bringing a sharpened kitchen knife down on her bosom and piercing her heart, but, having never killed a human or even slaughtered an animal before, was unaware of the problem presented by the human ribcage. after rather ineffectually poking at the area beneath sands' bosom with his knife while she shrieked in pain and terror for about ninety seconds, alistair tried a different tack, and slit her throat, which worked just fine, and she bled out quite nicely. the second and final victim of the men of letters was a local vagrant named larry ganem, an older gentleman who walked with a limp. he was lured back to the compound in approximately the same manner as sands, but instead of being bound, he was fed stew laced with sleeping pills. even if alistair hadn't slit his throat, he wouldn't have woken up. it's actually arguable whether he was still alive at time of sacrifice; mary winchester (eight months into her first pregnancy), who, as a member of the inner circle, was in attendance, actually tried to take ganem's pulse as he lay on the altar (now covered by a different tablecloth; the red one had turned stiff with sands' blood and been subsequently burned) and found nothing, so it is entirely possibly only sands' death can be directly laid at alistair's feet, and ganem's is the fault of mrs. ellen harvelle, who prepared the laced stew. regardless, these two deaths are lessons in the nature of human evil: it is very rarely skilled, suave, or smooth. it's often slapdash, half-hearted, and just plain incompetent. but that makes it no less grisly. alistair may have begun to drink his own kool-aid, as it were, and escalated this far out of genuine belief that the apocalypse was coming and it was up to him to stop it, but it is far more likely that he sensed the imminent collapse of his little empire, and wanted to bind his subjects to him through the horrors of shared guilt, considering two lives a small price to pay for the continued loyalty of his inner circle. and the tactic worked: the men of letters didn't start to collapse in earnest until almost four years later. perhaps if alistair had continued the killings, the men of letters could have lasted for far longer, maybe even up until the present day. but it seems that alistair, a psychiatrist by training and unused to violence, simply didn't have the stomach for it. unlike, say, john winchester, who before his time with the men of letters had done a two year tour in vietnam, during which he had killed three living, thinking human beings with the american government's go-ahead.)

anyway. castiel is the first person, ever, to make the connection between the men of letters and the sioux falls satanic slaughterer. and once that connection is made, castiel begins to research the men of letters far more in-depth. and he notices something: the theology of the men of letters was intensely numerological, filled with patterns, significant numbers, and even spiritual equations.

castiel thinks of the seemingly random selection of the slaughterer's victims, and has an epiphany.

he cracks all his fingers, and gets coding.

six months. it takes castiel six months to discover an equation that could fit the slaughterer's pattern. it's complex, but also clearly based on several of the men of letters' holy numbers, and accounts for every single one of the killings. it also suggests that there should have been two or three more deaths scattered across the years, but more than likely those did happen, it's just that they weren't reported as part of the slaughterer's portfolio.

but much more importantly, castiel's model can also make predictions. there will be two killings, fifteen days apart, in a city seven hours' drive away, six weeks from now.

so castiel waits. and he books a hotel room. and two months later, he's waiting outside 217 oak street when a shadowy figure climbs up a tree and lets itself into the upstairs window.

dean winchester is feeling particularly all alone in the world when he breaks into maisey banks' home (217 oak street). his father has been dead for half a decade, and he hasn't spoken to his baby brother for twice that. it's not like this whole grizzly saving the world business makes him a lot of friends. so once he's done killing maisey (which is easy, she was ninety three and dying of cancer anyway. she doesn't even wake up when he slits her throat) and arranging her corpse in the appropriate manner, with prayers and sigils, he turns around. and sees a man standing behind him.

smiling slightly.

as he watches dean gut this old woman.

dean freezes.

the man takes a step forward.

"you're very attractive for a serial killer who's been operating since the eighties."

dean is silent.

"family business, is it?"

silence continues.

"i'm not here to report you to police. i'm just here to see if my algorithm worked right."

and dean finally breaks his silence: "what the hell is wrong with you?"

what's fun here is that dean knows (or rather "knows") that he isn't a serial killer. so he finds what cas is doing, this amoral serial killer stormchasing, morally repugnant. because cas has no way of knowing he isn't a regular serial killer.

there's also the fact that that cas proceeds to flirt with him. aggressively. and follows him back to his motel.

but the thing is that dean is all alone in the world. and as cas continues trailing him around, he starts getting, well, flattered. and feeling a little bit less alone.

it doesn't take very long before they fall into bed. even if cas is an amoral stalker with a fetish for what dean considers a distasteful yet necessary vocation.

so. they fall into bed. they fall in love. they make a little life together, in dean's big sexy car. dean tries to explain to cas that he's saving the world. that these people's lives are a necessary price to pay. and cas seems to listen.

of course, castiel doesn't believe a word of it. but he's found that he likes dean. really likes him. and he realizes that the collapse of dean's belief system would destroy him.

so he sets about becoming as complicit in it as possible.

even to the extent where, when dean is hit by a car and ends up into the hospital a day before one killing is meant to take place, castiel agrees to take on the job. (he doesn't actually kill anyone, obviously. but he does use his extensive skill with computers to create three fake newspaper articles which make it look like he has.)

but five years later, something goes wrong. really, really wrong. dean miscalculates the formula. and by the time he checks his work, the actual date of the next kill, as demanded by the formula, has passed. in fact, so have three others. and the world didn't end.

dean collapses. he hyperventilates. all those people. all those people. for no reason. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people.

cas seems totally unfazed. dean stares at him in shock. but cas just takes dean in his arms, and whispers in his ear: "oh, dean, i never believed in the equation. i love you no matter what you've done."

and dean buries his face in cas' chest.

#spn #asks #anonymous #abuse tw #violence tw

112 notes · View notes

kookiepredictions · 3 years

Text

Jungkook Twin Flame Reading

A little post in honour of Jungkook’s birthday after which I’ll be taking a break :)

Jungkook Twin Flame Reading

The relationship dynamic between Jungkook and his TF is so interesting to me. To say that they are made for each other is a huge understatement. If human beings have several layers and levels to their being, then it is safe to say that Jungkook and his TF are compatible at every level; that’s how “destined” they are. Even if you take away the spiritual aspect of their connection and just focus on the earthly, physical dimension, they are the type of people who would be instantly drawn to each other. It’s not enough said that they are each other’s type. They could walk into a room full of people and instantly pick the other. Each has the physical appearance that the other finds attractive, the personality that the other admires, and their overall goals and ambitions in life too are very compatible. Whether they hit each other up at the bar, met in a park, hooked up on Tinder, or had an arranged marriage, it doesn’t matter— they would end up together. It’s like in the movie ‘The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’, where the protagonists erase each other’s memories repeatedly but still end up falling in love every time they meet again. Now you would say, how nice for them, that must make their TF journey so much easier than others’, but (very) interestingly, no, it makes it just the more difficult.

Since they are so obviously compatible, picking each other is an obvious option. It’s like, I don’t need to be divinely guided to pick you; I’d do it anyway. And this is what makes the connection so confusing because there are literally 2 Levels in this connection: 1, where they can just be together as partners or spouses or whatever other earthly relationship term they want to subscribe to, and 2, where they can show up as the Divine Masculine and Feminine and hence have a higher dimensional connection. The difference between these 2 options is that the 1st, while not terrible, would be a mere earthly connection wherein both operate from their wounded selves and therefore their love has conditions, projections, and therefore hurts and problems. This type of relationships is not very uncommon to find and one might even argue that what’s so bad with that? Every relationship has problems. That’s normal. But then I urge you to ask yourselves, is it normal or it is normalized? Also, it might be commonly seen, but with their potential to be Twin Flames, Jungkook and his DF are not here to have a “normal” connection. And they are definitely not here to subscribe to the normalized version of love as it exists in the world right now. As TF counterparts, they have been given a choice to opt for more, also known in the TF community as creating new relationship templates. This is why I had mentioned in one of my previous posts that simply being born and then meeting your TF counterpart does not automatically make you each other’s Twin Flames— it only makes you “potential” TFs. It’s only when you show up as your most authentic or Divine self that you are actually “being” TFs. This is not a very simple phenomenon to understand and a lot of times, TF counterparts meet each other and are caught up in the earthly, or lower chakra attraction that they feel for each other. This looks like intense sexual attraction, daydreaming and overthinking about each other, and being almost addicted to each other. Is this a very bad thing? No, definitely not. Understand that the lower chakras represent our earthly existence and as such, all experiences stemming from them ground us onto that aspect of life and done right, it’s a beautiful experience. Also, one thing I disagree with a lot of people about is that the TF connection is not romantic. Oh but it is! The TF connection is not a fairytale. Heck yeah it is! But I also understand where they are coming from. I think the problem is in the way the words “romance” and “fairytale” are perceived these days. I don’t know about you, but fairytales to me are all about boy meets girl, fall in love, want to be together but problems arise, misunderstandings happen, third parties interfere, sorrows and tears, breakthrough, problem-solving, maybe even some fights, songs and dances, and finally, union. This don’t look like the TF connection to you? Of course, the TF journey is not so oversimplified, linear or one-dimensional, and doesn’t end in like 1 ½ hours. But that’s still the gist though. As for romance, again, I earnestly think the meaning of romance is so skewed right now, it makes me sad. As far as I have lived (and loved), romance has never been just about wining and dining, flowers and chocolates, singing and dancing (although they are a part of that and a very fun one at that). For me, the TF connection is romance at its peak. If romance is defined as the expression of love and affection, then there can be absolutely nothing more romantic than a person who would stop at NOTHING to be with you, to the point that they would take an axe and strike down their own ego, burn and destroy themselves over and over again to be their most authentic self because they see you and think, you’re worth it. So many people in the world right now would rather replace you with someone else simply because they are too proud to look into themselves and heal their wounds that are stopping them from experiencing true love, and continue living with their masks on. Masked people bringing flowers and diamonds and basically everything else other than their heart has never been a romantic notion for me. But yes, the skewed definition of romance these days does not accommodate such depth of the emotion and expression of love, so it’s limited to being perceived (and executed) as materialistic and surface-level exhibition.

TFs, upon meeting each other for the first time, experience all of these earthly tendencies. In itself, it’s not a bad thing at all. It’s sweet, spicy and exciting because seldom do you find a person that gets your heart racing like that. The “relationship” too, seems within your reach. But just when you reach out for them, the tower moments happen. This is when TFs realize that there is much more than what appears on the surface and you got to dig deeper. With Jungkook and his DF, it just was even more confusing because them being so compatible and an “obvious choice” for each other, the delays and the “ifs” and “buts” just did not make sense. This was especially Jungkook’s energy where he was more focused on the earthly manifestation of this connection because that’s what made sense to him— boy meets girl, fall in love, together bam! (Lol I had to make that joke cuz it’s a special day). He was also focused more on the external manifestations of problems in the connection, for example, he would think, I cannot be with the DF because of X, Y, Z. But the TF journey, like any other spiritual journey, will always teach you to look inward. Any problem and situation in life is always the external manifestation of something that is wrong inside, and therefore that’s where all solutions lie. On the other hand, as DFs are usually initiated into the spiritual journey first and are more concerned with that aspect of the connection (explained in detail in a previous post), his DF kept running away from him because Jungkook’s state of mind was not supportive of her spiritual quests. It’s important to understand that neither of them was consciously doing this; both did what they did because that’s what made sense to them at their level of healing. As the “lead” in this journey though, somehow it all started with the DF. She felt the call to opt for that higher dimension in their connection and to move away from him when he wasn’t in the ready state to even understand, let alone, support that spiritual aspect, which is what is known as the Separation— the part where both parties need to focus on their own healing. However, it’s one thing to know what to do, and quite another to embody that knowledge and act on it with the trust that everything will ultimately work out. So for a while, she too was caught up in her lower dimensional cravings. It’s safe to say that just like Jungkook, she was terrified of losing him because like I said, even in a non-TF way, they seemed so perfect for each other, you just do not want to miss the chance to at least give it a shot. But her soul would be tugging at her to complete the tasks that she had undertaken prior to incarnation, in other words, her soul contract, so she wouldn’t be able to be fully present in this connection either. And so she would do this thing where she would take a step forward towards her destiny and then look back at Jungkook where he was in his journey to see if he would join her. Repeatedly. But this connection IS about your soul journey, her indecision and mental to and fro would energetically keep Jungkook in an indecisive and back and forth state too. It’s like everytime she would look back to see if she was making a mistake, Jungkook would look back to see if he was making a mistake. This was keeping him attached to his karmic situations, which would then drain him, which would make him want his DF more to fill him up, which would create energy drainage for the DF which would ultimately repel the DF and she would want to run far, far away from him. This pushing him away in turn would hurt and confuse Jungkook and he would start doubting the connection and his self worth and start thinking that he doesn’t deserve her and that she is staying away from him because she isn’t interested in him and it’s all in his head, and so he would think of walking away from her before she leaves him. This is the push and pull dynamic in this connection and this was the loop that they were stuck in for a while.

Over time though, his DF has been inching closer and closer to her destined path, trying to find faith in herself, in the connection and in Jungkook and has been looking back less. Recognizing her role as the lead, she has had to make the difficult decision to solely focus on herself and put Jungkook out of her mind— a “whatever happens, happens, I’m not abandoning myself for anyone anymore” kind of a decision. This has been difficult for her because she has always naturally been someone who puts other people’s needs before her own. When she likes someone, it has always made sense for her to almost sacrifice all her needs and wants for the other person’s. However, this energy has never been reciprocated to her in her previous connections, and her life would always eventually turn out to be one where her needs were always in the backburner. As I had said in a previous post, when she first meets Jungkook, the way he treated her was quite different from others. While other men would make these big show of love while ignoring the smallest, most basic things about her, Jungkook was observant of the little subtle things about her and more importantly, always willing and even seeking to do things that felt tailormade for her. While other people made their moves with agenda, Jungkook had this energy of just vibing in the moment, doing little things, making her smile. It was like he had even forgotten to set a purpose or intention of interacting with her; he just did what he did because it made him so happy. This caused her to put down her guard and a connection was made. However, this connection, or specifically, the happiness and bliss in the connection did not last long because both were interacting from a co-dependent place— they were both doing things trying to seek happiness from the other, to fill an empty void in themselves. But as I discussed earlier, when you seek something outside of yourself, it is never enough because that void can only be filled by you. So, what started as a beautiful and fun connection started morphing into a confusing, draining and hurtful one. This was very the signal to start levelling up into a higher dimension of the connection— the connection in itself wasn’t wrong; it was just that it was established in a lower, 3D dimension that was keeping it embroiled in pain and struggle. The DF was the first to recognize this and felt it in her heart to first, individually level up. But as said earlier, she was constantly looking back in doubt, afraid she might just lose him, which, true to the TF connection, kept Jungkook stuck in a fear of losing her. When Jungkook is stuck in the energy of this fear for long enough, external problems would manifest to reflect and amplify that fear, which then, as I said, would make him want to leave her first before she could leave him, because he felt that he loved her too much to ever be able to bear the pain of his heart being broken by her.

In present times, his DF has been a lot more confident in herself and in this connection. This has happened because she has spent considerable amount of time healing her trauma patterns which has immensely increased her faith in the Divine and she is able to see this connection clearly, not just from a knowledge point of view, but also from a deep feeling. In the past, she was stuck in the confusion of “if he is right for me, then how does it make sense to leave him behind?”, the same confusion that Jungkook had. But then again, when she stayed behind, there would be all these differences of opinions between them and problems and hurt would ensue. Both saw each other as their destination and yet, the path each proposed to take was different. Jungkook took the more rational, practical path while his DF was inclined to the more spiritual, “listen to the Divine, have faith and let go” path. Incidentally, the spiritual path is not irrational either. The real, practical problems in their connection did not go unnoticed by the DF. She noticed the co-dependency, the fact that she was constantly putting her own needs behind to try to address his needs and also the fact that even after that, Jungkook was still stuck in fear, doubt, confusion and misery. But more than anything else, she saw the once-beautiful connection deteriorate every day. This was painful to her because from the moment she saw Jungkook, as an intuitive and foresighted woman, she knew he was the one, and that this would be a beautiful and fulfilling connection, and the start had even been that way. The intense attraction, waiting for each other everyday, daydreaming when they were alone, every love song finally making sense— stuff straight out of a movie or a romance novel. But this reality kept slipping off, and it hurt her to see it all go down the drain. So when she realized that this connection needed to be anchored to a higher frequency, she had to make the choice of walking away from him to work on herself. She knew that she wasn’t being her most authentic, divine self, and as such, wouldn’t be able to create an authentic and divine connection. While in the past she was afraid of being judged by him for the choices and decisions she made, more recently she has stepped into the confidence that living her life from her heart is not something she should ever be afraid of, and if Jungkook is the divinely destined partner that she thought he was, he would never stand in the way of her living a life that made her happy. She also knew that unless she heals herself from her own trauma and wounds, she would not be able to love him right either. She isn’t perfect and in the past she has done many a hurtful things to people she loved and she is afraid unhealed, she would do the same to Jungkook. In this energy, she foresees the connection to become riddled with problems and trauma bonding and she would rather leave him and this connection right this instant where it is still relatively peaceful, than create a reality where they hurt each other that much. It’s funny that in her past relationships, whenever she hurt her partner, she would feel guilty for behaving that way more because she feels it was beneath who she is, but on hindsight she will be like, well they still deserved it for being complete jerks to me. But with Jungkook, she feels like she wouldn’t be able to ever willingly hurt him because she believes he doesn’t deserve to ever be treated that way, so it could only mean that in such a state, she would only hurt herself each time and she didn’t want that for herself either, so she feels like she’d rather stay away from him and the connection than cause all that. This is similar to how Jungkook feels about her as well, which is why no matter how tough it gets for him to go on without her, he always reminds himself that he couldn’t possibly with her until he became capable enough to give her all the happiness that she deserves, so that’s where they would mirror each other. And yet, everytime he feels empty, he wants to reach out to her. However, as the DF has started becoming confident in the connection, and stopped looking back in doubt, Jungkook has been feeling confident too. The more she heals, he heals. Now, they are both on their adventures of finding themselves while still recognizing the presence and impact of this connection in their lives. I think they’ve both realized that trying to escape this connection is a lost war. Instead they are embracing it and letting it guide them while still learning to put themselves first. Even after all the doubts and fears, their destination still remains the same, and the path seems to be aligning as well because they are both trying to meet each other halfway. Will there be anymore problems, confusion, doubts, fears, anger, frustration? Maybe, maybe not. But like I always say, that’s not the point of life at all. Nor is that the point of relationships. Problems might still arise but unlike in the past, they won’t be swept into co-dependency. The DF has learnt to listen to her heart every time, even if Jungkook does not agree with her and will address Jungkook’s needs only when she has ensured that her own needs are met first. In return, Jungkook has learnt to trust that his DF’s path will never be separate from his— time and time again, he has seen his DF return to him, never ceasing to love him and he has learnt to trust more in the Divine to give him what he believes belongs to him. Soon enough, they will be whole, complete and happy enough on their own accord and this will create a harmonious and blissful interdependent connection between them with the earthly intense attraction as well as the divine peaceful stability.

Just to avoid an abrupt end, let me share one of my favourite quotes that aptly defines this journey (except add “vice versa”):

“A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her.”

― Maya Angelou

Happy 24th birthday Jungkook, I hope you always know and remember that you are well loved, not because the person or the people who love you are good people, but because you deserve to be loved always. What is yours will never pass you by and what you seek, seeks you I promise. You will see, in time. Every single thing in this connection and in this journey might not make sense and it might seem long and dragged out, but if you want the other person to consider your needs, you must consider theirs too. That is true love. And it is yours. You’ve worked for it and you’ve earned it. Your DF wants you as much as you want her. But she won’t give herself to you unless she deems herself as someone you deserve and you deserve the best. She knows you already think she’s perfect but she also knows that you have the biggest, the kindest and the most accommodating heart and you would never make anyone feel lesser than. But she’s adamant lol. She says, Jungkook deserves the best and he will have the best. Please allow her the time and space to do this not just for you but also for herself— allow her to heal her insecurities so she never feels small and insignificant anywhere she goes. Don’t forget that your destination is the same. Allow her to take a different path once in a while if she so pleases, and don’t be afraid to do the same. Do what YOU want to do and what is best for you. Always. If it hurts her ego, best believe that it is HER problem to take care of. If you are meant to be, mistakes and slip ups will never get in the way of that. If you are meant to be, neither of you should ever have to hide any part of yourselves. Trust that being your most authentic selves, no matter how odd, shameful and unforgiving it might seem to you, will always bring you closer. That’s just what unconditional love is. That’s what you are divinely created to have. If you have to hide, pretend and suppress any part of you to please the other, it’s just not love, and believe you me, your connection won’t last that way. I know it’s scary, to show those parts of yourself to another, parts that even you haven’t been able to accept, embrace or forgive, then how are they going to do that? She knows and she fears the same about herself. But know that you both have to show up as who you are, otherwise this connection remains a daydream and an illusion, the bubble of which will burst sooner or later. You both have been given the opportunity to create something that is not just missing but is needed in this world right now. Take it and make the best out of it. At the end of your lives, as you sit on your porch, watching the sunset together, you will get to look back in triumph and gratitude for one hell of an adventure. Happy birthday once again! May this day be the start to the best, happiest, most fun, most exciting, most exotic, most peaceful, most authentic and most soul-ly fulfilling life you have ever wanted.

P.S. I really wanted to make a small and compact post but for some reason I rambled on and also I feel so tired after this I want to go to sleep immediately. I don’t have the energy to see what I’ve written anymore so I hope it all made sense. See you after my break! PPS. :) :) :)

104 notes · View notes

lady-sphinx · 3 years

Text

Twin Flames – Origin, Purpose, and Relationships

Twin Flames are two halves of a single unit. We all have a Twin Flame.

God created us with the purpose that we would move away from the point of creation, to learn and grow and evolve into our divinity, returning to our point of origin as perfected Beings. At this initial point of creation each single consciousness (Monad) contains the seeds of the Divine Feminine and the Divine Masculine, Alpha and Omega, Yin and Yang, opposite poles of the one reality. At the initial descent into third dimensional reality these two aspects of the one were divided and the Twin Flames were created. One the Alpha flame the other the Omega flame. Both Flames incarnate to lead separated lives, always aware, on some level, of a loss of an aspect of themselves.

Twin Flames do not normally incarnate together, except for a higher purpose. At this time, many evolved Twin Flames are incarnating to assist in the raising of consciousness of humanity. Usually when one Flame incarnates the other is out of form, preferring to energetically support their incarnating twin.

When Twin flames do incarnate together the coming together is often chaotic and stressful, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Their relationship is very intense. The romantic loving version we all think of is really for Twin Souls. Twin Flames come together as two mirrors. They are there to reflect back each other’s imperfections, for the ultimate goal of the Twin Flames is total union once more. To achieve this, total balance is needed by both of them on all levels. It is found that those areas, in which they both have harmony, are the areas they no longer need to work on.

Twin flames also have many differences, these may be age, geographic locations, morals, beliefs, race, income brackets. They incarnate specifically to be the facilitator of the others growth and ascension. And yet the bond is such that being together is like coming home. The attraction is strong on every level, and spiritually they know they are one. This knowingness helps them over many of the hurdles, mostly created by pre-conditioning, beliefs and personality.

As the Twins become more into balance and their service here on the planet becomes more into their awareness they spiritually grow at a faster rate than when they were apart. They find their spiritual gifts are fine tuned. Each often possessing a gift the other does not. They are sensitive to each others energy flows and stresses. Being apart is like functioning at a reduced level. Together, they become balanced and more of who they are, just by being in each others energy.

When Twin Flames reunite in physical form an awakening occurs of a very special kind – an awakening that can only occur when Twin Flames energetically connect in the 3rd dimension. The flame of the alpha twin and the flame of the omega twin are ignited. Until this re-union, the flame has laid dormant. From this ignition comes a coil of gold light up their spine, some may call it a serpent. In reality it is the awakening of the oneness they once shared and is their Christ Lights / Monads / I am presence, awakened in recognition. As they grow closer in their connection on all levels these coils entwine to form a caduceus – a union of the two Christ Lights, the two flames becoming one. As they come more into balance with each other the caduceus coils meld more and more into one another until there is no visible differentiation between them. They have transmuted all the imbalances that kept them apart, and have stepped onto the path of the Alpha and Omega, the journey home as a two parts of the one whole reunited in service.

The re-union of the flames creates the deepest of connections for these two people.

source

#twin flames #soulmates

4 notes · View notes

crossdreamers · 4 years

Text

What is the difference between sex and gender?

Very often discussions about what it means to be transgender ends up in a quarrel about the difference between sex and gender. Some argue that there is no difference. Others that you cannot understand human beings without distinguishing between the two. Here follows a pretty clear explanation.

Some days ago I got the following anonymous tumblr-question:

Hi! I don’t know if you answer this kind of questions, but my friend just came out as trans to his family and I really want to support him, and I feel like I should start by understanding him and the trans community as a whole better, as well as being more familiar with concepts of gender and sex, etc. So I wanted to ask if you have anything I could start with to begin understanding all of this better ?(literally keywords to google can work or books/articles,anything works!) 💜💜

The map versus the world

I think that much of the confusion found in online discussions about sex and gender is that many people think the map is exactly like the world itself. But when you think about a map of Times Square in New York, as this one...

... it is very easy to see that this 2D rendering is nothing like what Times Square looks like, feels like, sounds like and smells like in the real world.

The map is a very simplified abstraction containing symbols that are there to help us navigate the real Times Square.

The same applies to language, including scientific concepts. The world itself is so insanely complex and “messy” that there is no way simple, human made, words and concepts can capture it all.

The five dimensions of sex and gender

Originally English had one word, one sign, to capture the complexity of what it means to be a man or a woman, namely “sex”. That word was used to capture at least five very different phenomena:

1. BIOLOGICAL SEX

Ultimately biological sex is about gametes: sperm and eggs. In biology males are those who produce sperm and females are those who produce eggs. Sperm meets egg and viola, you have a baby. This is a fact. We would not be here without them.

Hormones decide whether a fetus ends up as a human being producing eggs or sperm, and most often – but not always – this hormone production correlates with relevant chromosomes, XY in males and XX in females.

2. SEXUAL CHARACTERISTICS

Hormones also trigger the development of sexual characteristics. The primary sexual characteristics (genitalia) develop early on. The secondary sexual characteristics (facial hair growth, breasts etc.) appear during puberty.

Most often the development of secondary sexual characteristics follows from the biological sex, but there is a lot of variation and no absolute clear boundaries between the two sexes as regards looks.

3. GENDER EXPRESSIONS

While the development of sexual characteristics is triggered by hormones, the development of gender expressions are (for the most part) not.

Among gender expressions we find clothing (skirts vs. trousers), mannerisms (crossing or not crossing your legs when sitting) and even interests (knitting versus wrestling).

We know that these gender expressions are cultural and not biological for two important reasons: They differ from culture to culture (Roman men wearing togas and Scotchmen wearing kilts) and from individual to individual. Where I live (in Norway) most men are not afraid to cross their legs when seated, and women do love jeans.

4. GENDER ROLES

Gender roles refers to the way cultures divide tasks between the two genders, informally and even legally. 19th century European and North American had no right to vote. The majority of nurses world wide are women, even today.

Few of these gender roles have a firm biological basis, as the political and cultural changes that took place during the previous century has shown us. 19th century women in “the West” were supposed to be emotional, irrational and inferior to men in most ways. They were therefore not fitted to a life of leadership, the men said. They were, on the other hand, considered more nurturing than men, which made them the obvious choice for child rearing.

Since then women have proven themselves capable in all strands of life, and many men are very good at taking care of kids.

5. GENDER IDENTITY

Gender identity is your deep felt sense of being a man or a woman (or neither or both). Most people (non-transgender cis people) never reflect on their gender identity, because no one is challenging it.

Transgender people, on the other hand, as well as some intersex people, are forced to reflect on the difference between biological sex and gender identity, because they strongly, continuously and persistently feel that their sense of being a man or a woman (or some other category) does not match their legally assigned gender.

People may disagree as to what causes this dissonance between biological sex and gender, but there is no denying that the mismatch exists.

The sense of being a gendered being is undeniable

Gender dysphoria is real. The sense of being forced to live as the wrong gender is real. This means that the sense of being a gendered person is real. Gender identity is not the same as sex.

Anti-trans activists will often talk about transgender and intersex people being statistical outliers, saying that they do not in any way represent normalcy. There are actually as many intersex people as there are redheads in the world, but let us, for the sake of argument, say that they are right about this. This still does not change the fact that for many people several of these five variables do not match.

If you have not done so already, you should take a look at the TED Talk of Emily Quinn, an intersex woman with XY chromosomes and “balls”, as she puts it. She looks like a woman, expresses herself as a woman and clearly thinks of herself as a woman. She is real, and through her very existence she provides clear proof of gender identity not being the same as biological sex.

I love the following photo of her, because it makes it so clear that she is using feminine gender expressions to express her real gender, XY chromosomes be damned.

Intersex or transgender

One important difference between intersex people like Emily Quinn and transgender people is that it is relatively easy to track down the biological roots of an intersex condition, being those chromosome variation (XO, XXX, XXY, XYY) or hormonal variation during the development of the fetus.

The transgender gender mismatch might also have roots in genes and hormonal variation (most medical experts seem to think so), but most often it becomes visible as an intense conviction of being “another” gender.

This has led some anti-trans activists to dismiss feelings in general as not being “real”. I remember discussing all of this with one such person, who desperately demanded a clear and unambiguous definition of what it means to be a man and woman, and it had to be based in visible biology. My attempts at telling him that emotions are real too had no effect.

But they are. Emotions are as real as genitals and chromosomes, and if someone continuously and persistently tell us that they are a man or a woman – in spite of all the harassment and social exclusion – you’d better believe there is something real causing that experience.

Mental illness

At this point in gender discussions I have often noticed that those who want to harm transgender people reach for the “mental illness” card. Sure, the feelings might be “real”, they say, but trans people are wrong.

The map tells these people that Times Square is square. There is no room for circles. So trans people are delusional or perverted. Because science!

The consensus in medical circles is that this is not the case. Trans people are not mentally ill. They are as well equipped to navigate the complexities of life as cis people. They are more likely to be stressed out and depressed, for sure, but that is because they find themselves invalidated and harassed on a regular basis, not because they are mentally ill.

The American psychiatric manual, the DSM-5, and the international health manual, the ICD-11 are both very clear: Being trans is not a mental illness.

It is not all about gender expression

Some lesbian trans-exclusionary “radical feminists” (TERFs) try to use their own life experience to explain away the gender variance of trans people.

Queer culture is full of people who identify as their assigned gender, they argue, but who nevertheless violate the norms of gender stereotypes. There are gay men with feminine gender expressions and lesbian, masculine, butch women.

The argument is that trans people are basically cis people who mistake the desire to express masculinity and femininity through clothes, mannerism and musical taste for a different gender identity. When people who used to think of themselves as masculine lesbian women come out as transgender men, they are simply dismissed as deluded women by the TERFs.

They have clearly no idea of how gender dysphoria affects a transgender person’s life. The suffering can be tremendous. You do not think about transitioning on a whim.

And here’s the thing: There is as much variation as regards masculine and feminine expressions and interests among trans people as there is among cis people.

For sure, great many trans women make use of feminine gender expressions to celebrate their womanhood and get affirmation from those around them. But in this they are no different than cis women, which the flourishing fashion and cosmetic industries can attest to.

There are butch trans women, in the same way that there are masculine cis women. There are femme trans men, in the same there are feminine cis men.

In other words: Gender expression does not always parallel gender identity.

A postscript on the term biological sex

Some transgender people do not like to talk about “biological sex.” They argue that a transgender woman is and has always been a “biological woman” even if she has not undergone hormone replacement therapy and/or surgery. It is the cultural assignment of a gender after birth that makes the difference, they say.

I understand the argument. They are not wrong.

But keep in mind that biologists use the words “sex” and “gender”, “male” and “female” differently than we do in everyday speech. To use the map metaphor: Similar symbols can refer to different things.

We need to be able to compare biological sex with experienced gender. It is the only way you can make sense of gender dysphoria and the way many trans people feel alienated from their own bodies. This is why I have used the term “biological sex” throughout this article.

Conclusion

The gender mismatch of transgender people is as real as the sex/gender match of cis people. The very existence of transgender people proves that sex is not the same as gender.

Photo: Alexandr Screaghin

See also this Scientific American article on sex and gender, and my own article: “Sorry, gender cannot be reduced to biological sex.”

#gender #transgender #trans #lgbt #lgbtqa #transphobia #biological sex #terf #terfs #gender critical

34 notes · View notes

semiotexte · 4 years

Text

As the years passed, I learned to think of dreams as an integral part of life. There are dreams that, because of their sensory intensity, their realism or precisely their lack of realism, deserve to be introduced into autobiography, just as much as events that were actually lived through. Life begins and ends in the unconscious; the actions we carry out while fully lucid are only little islands in an archipelago of dreams. No existence can be completely rendered in its happiness or its madness without taking into account oneiric experiences. It’s Calderón de la Barca’s maxim reversed: it’s not a matter of thinking that life is a dream, but rather of realizing that dreams are also a form of life. It is just as strange to think, like the Egyptians, that dreams are cosmic channels through which the souls of ancestors pass in order to communicate with us, as to claim, as some of the neurosciences do, that dreams are a “cut-and-paste” of elements experienced by the brain during waking life, elements that return in the dream’s REM phase, while our eyes move beneath our eyelids, as if they were watching. Closed and sleeping, eyes continue to see. Therefore, it is more appropriate to say that the human psyche never stops creating and dealing with reality, sometimes in dreams, sometimes in waking life.

Whereas over the course of the past few months my waking life has been, to use the euphemistic Catalan expression, “good, so long as we don’t go into details,” my oneiric life has had the power of a novel by Ursula K. Le Guin. During one of my recent dreams, I was talking with the artist Dominique González-Foerster about my problem of geographic dislocation: after years of a nomadic life, it is hard for me to decide on a place to live in the world. While we were having this conversation, we were watching the planets spin slowly in their orbits, as if we were two giant children and the solar system were a Calder mobile. I was explaining to her that, for now, in order to avoid the conflict that the decision entailed, I had rented an apartment on each planet, but that I didn’t spend more than a month on any one of them, and that this situation was economically and physically unsustainable. Probably because she is the creator of the Exotourisme project, Dominique in this dream was an expert on extraterrestrial real-estate management. “If I were you, I’d have an apartment on Mars and I’d keep a pied-à-terre on Saturn,” she was saying, showing a great deal of pragmatism, “but I’d get rid of the Uranus apartment. It’s much too far away.”

Awake, I don’t know much about astronomy; I don’t have the slightest idea of the positions or distances of the different planets in the solar system. But I consulted the Wikipedia page on Uranus: it is in fact one of the most distant planets from Earth. Only Neptune, Pluto, and the dwarf planets Haumea, Makemake, and Eris are farther away. I read that Uranus was the first planet discovered with the help of a telescope, eight years before the French Revolution. With the help of a lens he himself had made, the astronomer and musician William Herschel observed it one night in March in a clear sky, from the garden of his house at 19 New King Street, in the city of Bath. Since he didn’t yet know if it was a huge star or a tailless comet, they say that Herschel called it “Georgium Sidus,” the Georgian Star, to console King George III for the loss of the British colonies in America: England had lost a continent, but the King had gained a planet. Thanks to Uranus, Herschel was able to live on a generous royal pension of two hundred pounds a year. Because of Uranus, he abandoned both music and the city of Bath, where he was a chapel organist and director of public concerts, and settled in Windsor so that the King could be sure of his new conquest by observing it through a telescope. Because of Uranus, they say, Herschel went mad, and spent the rest of his life building the largest telescope of the eighteenth century, which the English called “the monster.” Because of Uranus, they say, Herschel never played the oboe again. He died at the age of eighty-four: the number of years it takes for Uranus to go around the sun. They say that the tube of his telescope was so wide that the family used it as a dining hall at his funeral.

Uranus is what astrophysicists call a “gas giant.” Made up of ice, methane, and ammonia, it is the coldest planet in the solar system, with winds that can exceed nine hundred kilometers per hour. In short, the living conditions are not especially suitable. So Dominique was right: I should leave the Uranus apartment.

But dream functions like a virus. From that night forward, while I’m awake, the sensation of having an apartment on Uranus increases, and I am more and more convinced that the place I should live is over there.

For the Greeks, as for me in this dream, Uranus was the solid roof of the world, the limit of the celestial vault. Uranus was regarded as the house of the gods in many Greek invocation rituals. In mythology, Uranus is the son that Gaia, the Earth, conceived alone, without insemination or coition. Greek mythology is at once a kind of retro sci-fi story anticipating in a do-it-yourself way the technologies of reproduction and bodily transformation that will appear throughout the twentieth and twenty-first centuries; and at the same time a kitschy TV series in which the characters give themselves over to an unimaginable number of relationships outside the law. Thus Gaia married her son Uranus, a Titan often represented in the middle of a cloud of stars, like a sort of Tom of Finland dancing with other muscle-bound guys in a techno club on Mount Olympus. From the incestuous and ultimately not very heterosexual relationships between heaven and earth, the first generation of Titans were born, including Oceanus (Water), Chronos (Time), and Mnemosyne (Memory) … Uranus was both the son of the Earth and the father of all the others. We don’t quite know what Uranus’s problem was, but the truth is that he was not a good father: either he forced his children to remain in Gaia’s womb, or he threw them into Tartarus as soon as they were born. So Gaia convinced one of her children to carry out a contraceptive operation. You can see in the Palazzo Vecchio in Florence the representation that Giorgio Vasari made in the sixteenth century of Chronos castrating his father Uranus with a scythe. Aphrodite, the goddess of love, emerged from Uranus’s amputated genital organs … which could imply that love comes from the disjunction of the body’s genital organs, from the displacement and externalization of genital force.

This form of nonheterosexual conception, cited in Plato’s Symposium, was the inspiration for the German lawyer Karl Heinrich Ulrichs to come up with the word Uranian [Urning] in 1864 to designate what he called relations of the “third sex.” In order to explain men’s attraction to other men, Ulrichs, after Plato, cut subjectivity in half, separated the soul from the body, and imagined a combination of souls and bodies that authorized him to reclaim dignity for those who loved against the law. The segmentation of soul and body reproduces in the domain of experience the binary epistemology of sexual difference: there are only two options. Uranians are not, Ulrich writes, sick or criminal, but feminine souls enclosed in masculine bodies attracted to masculine souls.

This is not a bad idea to legitimize a form of love that, at the time, could get you hanged in England or in Prussia, and that, today, remains illegal in seventy-four countries and is subject to the death penalty in thirteen, including Nigeria, Pakistan, Iran, and Qatar; a form of love that constitutes a common motive for violence in family, society, and police in most Western democracies.

Ulrichs does not make this statement as a lawyer or scientist: he is speaking in the first person. He does not say “there are Uranians,” but “I am a Uranian.” He asserts this, in Latin, on August 18, 1867, after having been condemned to prison and after his books have been banned by an assembly of five hundred jurists, members of the German Parliament, and a Bavarian prince—an ideal audience for such confessions. Until then, Ulrichs had hidden behind the pseudonym “Numa Numantius.” But from that day on, he speaks in his own name, he dares to taint the name of his father. In his diary, Ulrichs confesses he was terrified, and that, just before walking onto the stage of the Grand Hall of the Odeon Theater in Munich, he had been thinking about running away, never to return. But he says he suddenly remembered the words of the Swiss writer Heinrich Hössli, who a few years before had defended sodomites (though not, however, speaking in his own name): “Two ways lie before me,” Hössli wrote, “to write this book and expose myself to persecution, or not to write it and be full of guilt until the day I am buried. Of course I have encountered the temptation to stop writing … But before my eyes appeared the images of the persecuted and the wretched prospect of such children who have not yet been born, and I thought of the unhappy mothers at their cradles, rocking their cursed yet innocent children! And then I saw our judges with their eyes blindfolded. Finally, I imagined my gravedigger slipping the cover of my coffin over my cold face. Then, before I submitted, the imperious desire to stand up and defend the oppressed truth possessed me … And so I continued to write with my eyes resolutely averted from those who have worked for my destruction. I do not have to choose between remaining silent or speaking. I say to myself: speak or be judged!”

Ulrichs writes in his journal that the judges and Parliamentarians seated in Munich’s Odeon Hall cried out, as they listened to his speech, like an angry crowd: End the meeting! End the meeting! But he also notes that one or two voices were raised to say: Let him continue! In the midst of a chaotic tumult, the President left the theater, but some Parliamentarians remained. Ulrichs’s voice trembled. They listened.

But what does it mean to speak for those who have been refused access to reason and knowledge, for us who have been regarded as mentally ill? With what voice can we speak? Can the jaguar or the cyborg lend us their voices? To speak is to invent the language of the crossing, to project one’s voice into an interstellar expedition: to translate our difference into the language of the norm; while we continue, in secret, to practice a strange lingo that the law does not understand.

So Ulrichs was the first European citizen to declare publicly that he wanted to have an apartment on Uranus. He was the first mentally ill person, the first sexual criminal to stand up and denounce the categories that labeled him as sexually and criminally diseased.

He did not say, “I am not a sodomite.” On the contrary, he defended the right to practice sodomy between men, calling for a reorganization of the systems of signs, for a change of the political rituals that defined the social recognition of a body as healthy or sick, legal or illegal. He invented a new language and a new scene of enunciation. In each of Ulrichs’s words addressed from Uranus to the Munich jurists resounds the violence generated by the dualist epistemology of the West. The entire universe cut in half and solely in half. Everything is heads or tails in this system of knowledge. We are human or animal. Man or woman. Living or dead. We are the colonizer or the colonized. Living organism or machine. We have been divided by the norm. Cut in half and forced to remain on one side or the other of the rift. What we call “subjectivity” is only the scar that, over the multiplicity of all that we could have been, covers the wound of this fracture. It is over this scar that property, family, and inheritance were founded. Over this scar, names are written and sexual identities asserted.

On May 6, 1868, Karl Maria Kertbeny, an activist and defender of the rights of sexual minorities, sent a handwritten letter to Ulrichs in which for the first time he used the word homosexual to refer to what his friend called “Uranians.” Against the antisodomy law promulgated in Prussia, Kertbeny defended the idea that sexual practices between people of the same sex were as “natural” as the practices of those he calls—also for the first time—“heterosexuals.” For Kertbeny, homosexuality and heterosexuality were just two natural ways of loving. For medical jurisprudence at the end of the nineteenth century, however, homosexuality would be reclassified as a disease, a deviation, and a crime.

I am not speaking of history here. I am speaking to you of your lives, of mine, of today. While the notion of Uranianism has gone somewhat astray in the archives of literature, Kertbeny’s concepts would become authentic biopolitical techniques of dealing with sexuality and reproduction over the course of the twentieth century, to such an extent that most of you continue to use them to refer to your own identity, as if they were descriptive categories. Homosexuality would remain listed until 1975 in Western psychiatric manuals as a sexual disease. This remains a central notion, not only in the discourse of clinical psychology, but also in the political languages of Western democracies.

When the notion of homosexuality disappeared from psychiatric manuals, the notions of intersexuality and transsexuality appear as new pathologies for which medicine, pharmacology, and law suggest remedies. Each body born in a hospital in the West is examined and subjected to the protocols of evaluation of gender normality invented in the fifties in the United States by the doctors John Money and John and Joan Hampson: if the baby’s body does not comply with the visual criteria of sexual difference, it will be submitted to a battery of operations of “sexual reassignment.” In the same way, with a few minor exceptions, neither scientific discourse nor the law in most Western democracies recognizes the possibility of inscribing a body as a member of human society unless it is assigned either masculine or feminine gender. Transsexuality and intersexuality are described as psychosomatic pathologies, and not as the symptoms of the inadequacy of the politico-visual system of sexual differentiation when faced with the complexity of life.

How can you, how can we, organize an entire system of visibility, representation, right of self-determination, and political recognition if we follow such categories? Do you really believe you are male or female, that we are homosexual or heterosexual, intersexed or transsexual? Do these distinctions worry you? Do you trust them? Does the very meaning of your human identity depend on them? If you feel your throat constricting when you hear one of these words, do not silence it. It’s the multiplicity of the cosmos that is trying to pierce through your chest, as if it were the tube of a Herschel telescope.

Let me tell you that homosexuality and heterosexuality do not exist outside of a dualistic, hierarchical epistemology that aims at preserving the domination of the paterfamilias over the reproduction of life. Homosexuality and heterosexuality, intersexuality and transsexuality do not exist outside of a colonial, capitalist epistemology, which privileges the sexual practices of reproduction as a strategy for managing the population and the reproduction of labor, but also the reproduction of the population of consumers. It is capital, not life, that is being reproduced. These categories are the map imposed by authority, not the territory of life. But if homosexuality and heterosexuality, intersexuality and transsexuality, do not exist, then who are we? How do we love? Imagine it.

Then, I remember my dream and I understand that my trans condition is a new form of Uranism. I am not a man and I am not a woman and I am not heterosexual I am not homosexual I am not bisexual. I am a dissident of the sex-gender system. I am the multiplicity of the cosmos trapped in a binary political and epistemological system, shouting in front of you. I am a Uranian confined inside the limits of techno-scientific capitalism.

Like Ulrichs, I am bringing no news from the margins; instead, I bring you a piece of horizon. I come with news of Uranus, which is neither the realm of God nor the sewer. Quite the contrary. I was assigned a female sex at birth. They said I was lesbian. I decided to self-administer regular doses of testosterone. I never thought I was a man. I never thought I was a woman. I was several. I didn’t think of myself as transsexual. I wanted to experiment with testosterone. I love its viscosity, the unpredictability of the changes it causes, the intensity of the emotions it provokes forty-eight hours after taking it. And, if the injections are regular, its ability to undo your identity, to make organic layers of the body emerge that otherwise would have remained invisible. Here as everywhere, what matters is the measure: the dosage, the rhythm of injections, the order of them, the cadence. I wanted to become unrecognizable. I wasn’t asking medical institutions for testosterone as hormone therapy to cure “gender dysphoria.” I wanted to function with testosterone, to experience the intensity of my desire through it, to multiply my faces by metamorphosing my subjectivity, creating a body that was a revolutionary machine. I undid the mask of femininity that society had plastered onto my face until my identity documents became ridiculous, obsolete. Then, with no way out, I agreed to identify myself as a transsexual, as a “mentally ill person,” so that the medico-legal system would acknowledge me as a living human body. I paid with my body for the name I bear.

By making the decision to construct my subjectivity with testosterone, the way the shaman constructs his with plants, I take on the negativity of my time, a negativity I am forced to represent and against which I can fight only from this paradoxical incarnation, which is to be a trans man in the twenty-first century, a feminist bearing the name of a man in the #MeToo movement, an atheist of the hetero-patriarchal system turned into a consumer of the pharmacopornographic industry. My existence as a trans man constitutes at once the acme of the sexual ancien régime and the beginning of its collapse, the climax of its normative progression and the signal of a proliferation still to come.

I have come to talk to you—to you and to the dead, or rather, to those who live as if they were already dead—but I have come especially to talk to the cursed, innocent children who are yet to be born. Uranians are the survivors of a systematic, political attempt at infanticide: we have survived the attempt to kill in us, while we were not yet adults, and while we could not defend ourselves, the radical multiplicity of life and the desire to change the names of all things. Are you dead? Will they be born tomorrow? I congratulate you, belatedly or in advance.

I bring you news of the crossing, which is the realm of neither God nor the sewer. Quite the contrary. Do not be afraid, do not be excited, I have not come to explain anything morbid. I have not come to tell you what a transsexual is, or how to change your sex, or at what precise instant a transition is good or bad. Because none of that would be true, no truer than the ray of afternoon sun falling on a certain spot on the planet and changing according to the place from which it is seen. No truer than that the slow orbit described by Uranus as it revolves above the Earth is yellow. I cannot tell you everything that goes on when you take testosterone, or what that does in your body. Take the trouble to administer the necessary doses of knowledge to yourself, as many as your taste for risk allows you.

I have not come for that. As my indigenous Chilean mother Pedro Lemebel said, I do not know why I come, but I am here. In this Uranian apartment that overlooks the gardens of Athens. And I’ll stay a while. At the crossroads. Because intersection is the only place that exists. There are no opposite shores. We are always at the crossing of paths. And it is from this crossroad that I address you, like the monster who has learned the language of humans.

I no longer need, like Ulrichs, to assert that I am a masculine soul enclosed in a woman’s body. I have no soul and no body. I have an apartment on Uranus, which certainly places me far from most earthlings, but not so far that you can’t come see me. Even if only in dream …

79 notes · View notes

starlingsrps · 3 years

Text

poppy allen character development.

BASIC INFORMATION

FULL NAME: poppy lieke allen

NICKNAME(S): nope.

PREFERRED NAME(S): poppy

BIRTH DATE: october 25

AGE: twenty seven

GENDER: cis female

PRONOUNS: feminine

ROMANTIC/SEXUAL ORIENTATION: heterosexual

NATIONALITY: american

ETHNICITY: american-dutch

CURRENT LOCATION: los angeles, ca

LIVING CONDITIONS: neat and tidy, well decorated. she's definitely in laurel canyon, purposefully kind of a bitch to drive to.

BACKGROUND

BIRTH PLACE: santa barbara, ca

HOMETOWN: montecito, ca

PLACES LIVED: montecito, new york, london - wherever the hell she's filming tbh. los angeles is home.

SOCIAL CLASS: upper upper. when your eighteenth birthday is a people magazine cover, you don't pretend.

EDUCATION LEVEL: high school

FATHER: bryce hawthorne, 57, movie star

MOTHER: saskia werhoff, 52, model turned lifestyle guru

SIBLING(S): marieke allen, 25; matthias allen, 20

BIRTH ORDER: poppy, marieke, matthias

CHILDREN: absolutely no.

PET(S): nope; allergic to most things with fur.

OTHER IMPORTANT RELATIVES: her mother's family in the netherlands, her father's in nebraska.

PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS: legion and documented online.

ARRESTS?: nope.

PRISON TIME?: nope.

OCCUPATION & INCOME

PRIMARY SOURCE OF INCOME: actress

SECONDARY SOURCE OF INCOME: spokesperson

TERTIARY SOURCE(S) OF INCOME: trust fund

CONTENT WITH THEIR JOB (OR LACK THERE OF)?: like why wouldn't she be

PAST JOB(S): does she look like she's ever done intensive work?

SPENDING HABITS: poppy's version of reasonable is absolutely not the same as a normal persons. she thinks she's reasonable but that's just because she doesn't own a diamond encrusted birkin. she buys things that are high quality and doesn't really have experience with things that aren't.

MOST VALUABLE POSSESSION: real estate portfolio. she owns her house and a condo in new york. both are points of pride for her.

SKILLS & ABILITIES

PHYSICAL STRENGTH: B-

OFFENSE: B

DEFENSE: B

SPEED: B

INTELLIGENCE: B

ACCURACY: B+

AGILITY: B

STAMINA: B

TEAMWORK: C+

TALENTS: poppy has an incredible work ethic and sense of loyalty. she knows she's lucky to be where she is in life but she's going to show up the same as anyone else on set and give her best every time. she knows her self worth and she does not compromise on it one single bit.

SHORTCOMINGS: that can come off as.....abrasive.

LANGUAGE(S) SPOKEN: english and dutch

DRIVE?: yes

JUMP-STAR A CAR?: she was definitely taught by her father but it did not stick.

CHANGE A FLAT TIRE?: see above.

RIDE A BICYCLE?: yes

SWIM?: yes

PLAY AN INSTRUMENT?: no

PLAY CHESS?: no

BRAID HAIR?: yes

TIE A TIE?: yes

PICK A LOCK?: no.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE & CHARACTERISTICS

FACE CLAIM: abigail cowen

EYE COLOR: blue

HAIR COLOR: red; boosted from strawberry blonde to red-red.

HAIR TYPE/STYLE: long and swishy. it's a signature at this point. that pantene hair deal did not just materialize on it's own.

GLASSES/CONTACTS?: both - a bitch is Nearsighted.

DOMINANT HAND: right

HEIGHT: 5'7

BUILD: willowy and toned, great ass.

EXERCISE HABITS: daily - she looks at it as part of her job description and between her father's biceps and her mother's devotion to yoga, she wasn't really raised with much of a choice but to use the gym.

SKIN TONE: fair, little freckled. a lot freckled if the sun has gotten to her.

TATTOOS: none

PEIRCINGS: ears

MARKS/SCARS: none

NOTABLE FEATURES: the Hair, upturned nose

USUAL EXPRESSION: attentive

CLOTHING STYLE: carefully curated. god i miss polyvore this would be so much easier. hold for pinterest board.

JEWELRY: whatever suits/is loaned for the occasion. she has a lot of small pieces that she owns for daily wear and a few really nice bits that she got from her parents as gifts.

ALLERGIES: dander, almonds.

DIET: nothing super weird/out of the ordinary, definitely erring on the trendy and consciously healthy end of things.

PHYSICAL AILMENTS: nah.

PSYCHOLOGY

ENNEAGRAM TYPE: type eight

MORAL ALIGNMENT: chaotic neutral

TEMPERAMENT: choleric

ELEMENT: water

SOCIABILITY: A - poppy is incredibly charming and social.

EMOTIONAL STABILITY: ehhhh i'll give her a B-. like she's not bad but when her temper gets triggered, hell will reign.

OBSESSION(S): nah

COMPULSION(S): nah

PHOBIA(S): failure

ADDICTION(S): nah

DRUG USE: she does smoke, she does know, she doesn't care.

ALCOHOL USE: social drinker.

PRONE TO VIOLENCE?: no (yet i think a certain someone might get something thrown at him)

MANNERISMS

SPEECH STYLE: even and cultivated. she has a pretty feminine voice and has done a little voiceover work.

ACCENT: nope.

QUIRKS: she squints a lot, even if she does have her glasses on or contacts in. this bitch is Blind.

HOBBIES: she does read a lot and she does enjoy trying new things. nothing crafty but she's pretty down for new activities.

HABITS: daily workout, twice weekly call with her Team, grooming, work. she likes to stay busy and likes to stay organized - her planner is sacred.

NERVOUS TICKS: don't fucking touch her planner.

DRIVES/MOTIVATIONS: personal success. she was well known before she jumped into acting and modeling on her own by virtue of her parents but she absolutely wants to be her own person. she doesn't use her father's SAG name (legally, they're all allens rather than hawthorne but SAG), she doesn't do any mommy and me/daddy and me projects and she steers any interviews away from heavy talk about her family.

FEARS: personal failure. she knows she'll be okay no matter what - she's got the cushion of wealth and privilege - but she does not want to ever fail on her own merits.

POSITIVE TRAITS: loyal, generous, hard working, passionate, driven, fearless.

NEGATIVE TRAITS: bossy, stubborn, abrasive, no sense of limitations, single minded.

SENSE OF HUMOR: good! kind of dorky, prone to dragging the shit out of people.

DO THEY CURSE OFTEN?: ehhhhh what is often

FAVORITES

ACTIVITY: sex working, being alone. she spends so much time surrounded by people that being alone to relax is a luxury.

ANIMAL: she thinks dogs are awesome but she can't be around them without a shitload of benadryl so like, bears?

BEVERAGE: the iced coffee IS surgically attached to her hand, thanks!

BOOK:

CELEBRITY: her parents, corny as that is. least favorite is her brother, who's big on tiktok and habitually trying to use her pool for shenanigans.

COLOR: red

DESIGNER: she's a valentino bitch.

FOOD: a really, really good steak.

FLOWER: gardenias

GEM: pearls

HOLIDAY: christmas

MODE OF TRANSPORTATION: flying

MOVIE: father of the bride

MUSICAL ARTIST: kacey musgraves

SCENERY: the ocean. she's a coastal california girl and she does not like to be far from the water.

SCENT: ocean, gardenias, coffee.

SPORT: baseball

SPORTS TEAM: dodgers

TELEVISION SHOW: nothing specific but she will watch food network competition shows for hours.

WEATHER: bright and sunny

VACATION DESTINATION: exotic and warm.

ATTITUDES

GREATEST DREAM: having her career measured on its own merits; oscar. she doesn't not want a family and such outside of that but her career is her focus. she's in a good place and she doesn't want to put anything on pause.

GREATEST FEAR: poppy is alarmingly fearless. the only thing she truly fears is failing herself. nothing else really matters.

MOST AT EASE WHEN: with her family on the ranch in montecito to hang out and relax. she likes being around her sister - marieke is a classics student and has been bouncing about europe for the past seven years and they don't get to see each other very often. marieke is calm and completely removed from hollywood and she's basically the human equivelent of going to a spa.

LEAST AT EASE WHEN: not....no. poppy may be slightly uncomfortable but she is never going to let that show or acknowledge it.

WORST POSSIBLE THING THAT COULD HAPPEN: a scandal she can't recover from.

BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT: her career, the first time she wasn't mentioned in conjuction with her parents in a magazine article in the first paragraph.

BIGGEST REGRET: nope.

MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT: she's sure there have been but they're all pretty buried.

BIGGEST SECRET: keiran, 100%.

TOP PRIORITIES: her career. it's a thing she can control.

#c: poppy allen

1 note · View note

gukknj · 5 years

Text

rebirth (m)︱one

summary: as you enter a completely new world, you realize that do-overs aren’t always a good thing.

pairing(s): jeon jungkook x feminine reader, park jimin x feminine reader

genre: vampire au

warnings: mentions of death, blood

Eden was built upon the idea of insatiable bloodlust and overall vampiric superiority. It was a place that one could not find so easily unless they were of a supernatural bloodline, completely hidden in the darkest depths of forest and underground beneath the fae tribes. Eden became a place where vampires could come to sate their hunger, discover their hard limits when it came to feeding, truly come into their own as a monster.

There were also strict rules, of course, rules that prevented the general public of creatures from becoming truly unhinged murderers. Jin made sure that no one could enter his sanctuary without a background check first, as well as other stipulations that caused hundreds of bloodsuckers to give him unbelievable amounts of money. If there was one thing Jin was before a vampire, it was a businessman.

Jin also hated a lot of things; humans, law and order, women who thought they could seduce him, idiots that turned their children into vampires, and above all else, Park Jimin.

So, it wasn't a surprise to anyone when the first thing he did upon visiting Jimin's little secluded cabin was pulled his signature combat knife from his pocket and glared at the annoyed, younger man. Well, it was a surprise for you. Jimin had only mentioned this 'all-knowing' Jin as his old friend, but you saw past that lie the moment the tall, powerful man stepped through the door with Chae in tow.

His expression was both deadly and handsome in equal parts. He had the kind of face that was hard to forget, especially given that a pair of terrifying fangs was placed between his plump pink lips. Behind him, Chae was rolling her eyes at the animosity radiating from both men as they circled each other like wolves. Jimin's face gave nothing away in terms of fright, but you did notice how he quickly gulped once he spotted the shiny weapon Jin wielded. Chae cleared her throat.

"If you two little girls are done pulling pigtails, I'd like to get back to the real issue." She said before turning around to you, lying on the living room couch with a puke bucket beside you filled with blood. Jin and Jimin couldn't hear her, they stared each other down until they were sure neither would make a sneak attack once the other moved.

"Don't mistake me not punching this knife through your heart for a truce..an understanding. Mercy. Chae's like family to me." Jin spoke with such hatred that it scared you. He then turned to you, cruel brown eyes examining you like a science experiment. He made you feel ashamed to be in the position you were in like you weren't even worthy of being in his presence when you looked so unkempt. You hadn't looked in a mirror in such a long time, but if you had to guess, you probably resembled the walking dead. Not a comforting fact when you realized everyone in the afterlife is objectively hot.

Jin stalked towards you, crouching once he'd reached your position on the couch. He was so near to you, you nearly forgot how to breathe. Everything about him radiated power and wisdom beyond years. His hand raised to you and you flinched back. He chuckled at your weariness and used his hand to feel the temperature on your forehead.

"You're a jumpy one," He whispered. "I won't hurt you. You must be scared." His voice turned so incredibly soft as he felt all over you, checking your heartbeat and pulse rates. "Is there anything you have a craving for at the moment?" He asked. You shook your head. The idea of blood seemed disgusting to you, especially since you were chucking it up by the boatload. "Are you experiencing sharp pains in your stomach? Speak up."

"Yes. It hasn't gone away." You were aware that your voice was cracked and weak, but there was nothing you could do to stop it. In Chae's long absence, Jimin had given you water, soup, bread and anything that he thought might help get you back in working condition. Nothing stuck. He nodded.

"Any other abnormal instances you'd like to tell me about?"

You think. "It hurts to open my eyes for too long. Sounds are too loud. Lights too bright. My teeth ache.”

He nodded, "Okay, all normal for a transition."

"And I don't remember anything."

He paused. "What do you mean by that? You don't remember being turned?" He asked. Jimin and Chae both lean forward for your explanation and you could feel yourself tearing up as you have to say it for the first time.

"I don't remember myself...who I was...what I did. I know I had a family and friends, but I don't remember them. I don't know who I am." You sniffled and blinked back the tears threatening to fall. Jin barely reacted to your hysterics. He forced your body up as you whimpered, hands traveling up to your head. He prod in a few spots, taking note of your physical reaction to him.

"She's possibly concussed from her death. The healing process hasn't fully started yet because she hasn't been properly fed. Chae, you said you gave her what type of blood?"

She frowned. "I gave her every type. She barfed it all back up afterward. And she still fucking is. Jin, I don't fucking get it. What's going on?"

"I don't think she needs human blood. That shit only made her sick, it's killing her from the inside out. There are very few cases where this happens, you see. One hundred percent of the time it's an instance where another supernatural species has been turned into a vampire hybrid," Jin scoffed out before turning back to you. He wore a glare now. "And you're trying to tell me that you don't know who the fuck you are."

"Hey!" Jimin shouted, rushing to stand beside you. "Look at her, man! Does it look like she's fucking lying? She has absolutely nothing to gain." He tried to reassure the angry man, but Jin shook his head.

"She has everything to gain. A little half-breed trying to infiltrate my territory and report back to wherever the fuck she came from. You said you found her where? Bleeding out in the middle of our woods?" Jin asked Chae, who looked just as angry as Jimin.

"Shut the fuck up, Jin. If I hadn't found her, she would've died. It would be a pretty shitty plan if it were a real plan and not a delusional fairytale that comes from years of being an asshole to everyone you meet." She seethed.

"Being around Jimin for so long has made you soft, Chae."

Jimin sneered. "The fuck is that supposed to mean?"

You sat back and tried to make yourself smaller. Death was beginning to sound like a better fate than to be tied up in the mess unfolding before you. And they just kept going, arguing back and forth, voices rising higher and higher until it felt like all Hell would break loose. Your ears couldn't take the ringing. It protruded your sensitive eardrums like nails against a chalkboard. You finally screamed.

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"

You clutched your head in pain from even your own voice. The three vampires paused their bickering and turned to you with wide eyes. You grabbed Jin, uncaring of his thoughts of you, and used him to lift yourself into a standing position. He raised an eyebrow at that but let you continue to struggle on your two feet, holding the lapels of his pea coat and glaring up at him.

"I don't give a fuck what you think I'm trying to do. Fix me or fucking kill me." You choked out. Jin smirked. The siblings watched the scene with bated breath, praying that you didn't just sign your death certificate. Jin always was a wild card.

"Fine," Jin said. "Assuming that you are a poor, defenseless little brat, I will help you move forward in your transition process." He said and Chae let out a sigh of relief. Jimin still stared, worried. "However, if you so dare as to cross me, you're going to wish you died." He threatened, which you didn't take lightly. You nodded in understanding. "I can't help you in this dump where there are only cartoon character Band-Aids and trash cans as puke buckets. You need to come with me. To Eden."

His eyes bore into yours so intensely that you had to turn. You glanced at Chae, your savior, for her okay on the admission. She bit her bottom lip, refusing to look directly at you.

"You can't take a baby vamp to that fucking cesspool." Jimin glared.

"She's a big girl, I'm sure she can make her own decisions." Jin continued to stare down at you. "Jimin's only upset because Eden is only for the most elite of vampires and he isn't on the guest list. We have the best of resources for a fresh one such as yourself. I'll take care of you. And maybe, when you're feeling better, you can come back here to visit." He persuaded. It didn't sound like a bad idea.

"Say something to her, Chae."

"I don't think you have a choice. Jin isn't all bad. He's right, actually. We can't help you like this." She pouted. "You'll be in better hands with him. And I'll visit you every day to make sure you're alright."

Jimin rolled his eyes. "Not what I meant."

Thankfully, you still had common sense and deductive reasoning skills. Even you could tell that Jin wasn't a person you'd want to ever cross, but he seemed to have a solution to your problem and you didn't want to spend the rest of your life on a metaphorical death bed. Or an actual one. Could vampires die of starvation?

The dark glint in his eyes told you all that you needed to know; you definitely wouldn't be coming back to visit Jimin. The blonde boy's eyes were telling you not to leave with Jin, but you also had to take into account that they both didn't like each other. The most important opinion, you thought, belonged to the sweet girl that saved you. You couldn't ignore the pull you've had to her ever since you took your first breath of life, the way that you wanted to run to her the most for comfort, how you instinctively trusted every word she spoke with your entire being. So no matter how big and pleading the boy's eyes were, you couldn't agree with him.

"I'll go with you." You whispered to Jin. Jimin visibly deflated.

"Smart girl." Jin praised with a small smile. His eyes cut to Jimin. "We'll be on our way now. Let's hope we never have to see each other again." He said.

"If you truly felt that way, you never would have turned me in the first place, Jin. But, by all means, get the fuck out of my house. And keep her away from your little lackeys." Jimin spat at the older man. You glanced between both of them in alarm, soaking in all the new information before Jin grabbed your arm and started pulling you to the door. Chae gave you a meaningful look as you passed her and it gave you enough strength to mindlessly follow along with the older vampire.

You were finally alone with him, in the dead of night, but it didn't feel as terrifying as you thought it would. Maybe because once you two got a far enough distance from the cottage, he dropped the 'bad guy' front and offered to carry you the rest of the way. Jin was intimidating as all hell, but you couldn't limp through the forest for who knows how much longer so you fell into his arms graciously.

"Is is...far?" You asked after about five minutes of walking through the forest.

The man grunted. "You know, you talk an awful lot for a sick person with amnesia."

"I said one thing."

There wasn't much talking after that besides your occasional coughing fits and general pit stops to upchuck whatever blood was left in your system. Jin sneered, whispering 'how much fucking blood did that girl give you' before speeding up his pace. There wasn't much to focus on in the meantime, except for the tall trees looming over you, seemingly touching the clouds. The noises of owls hooting and bats flapping rapidly overhead.

Jin also turned into a focus point. You admired his classically handsome features and how powerful he could look without doing much of anything. You wondered about his unclear history with Jimin and Chae and why he was so adamant on intimidating Jimin.

Jimin had mentioned that Jin used to be his friend, so maybe they had a huge falling out some time ago that didn't involve Chae. Maybe, once upon a time, they were all like a happy family. You wished you could remember your family. It was all blurry, vague hints of memories with no real faces or names, just locations and scenery, and heavy nostalgia.

"I can feel you thinking." He said after a few minutes of you stewing in a stale silence. "It'll be best for us both if you held out on trying to figure things out until we've figured out a sustainable way of living for you." He advised with a scold.

"I can't help it. It feels like missing puzzle pieces. And it's odd because I still know how the world functions; I know that vampires are supposed to be something like myths, I know the melodies to songs I can't name right now, I know that I was terrified of dying. But I don't know what I did...the decisions I made to lead me here." You confessed.

Jin nodded. "Ignorance is often bliss."

"But I don't have an identity."

"Isn't that a blessing?" Jin began with a smirk. "To not have any preconceived notions made by others about who you are? To have an open range of possibility regarding your morals, values, ethics...it's quite exhilarating. You can be whoever the fuck you want to be with no judgment."

"No judgment?" You asked, weakly. You doubt that anyone could just do whatever and get away with it.

He laughed. "This is the supernatural world. It takes a lot for people to collectively judge you, trust me. The way I see it, you've been given a gift."

Jimin had mentioned that before. A gift.

"Human life weighs down on us. We wander back to check in on family and friends...and we see them grieving and moving on, gradually forgetting about us. We see them getting into trouble that we know we could fix, but we can't interfere. Most of us don't get over it. New life is painful, but I think you'll adjust just fine." Jin said before halting to an abrupt stop.

You would've never expected to be standing in front of an old half burned down hospital building. There were at least three floors, or they're used to be given that most of the third floor looked chopped off. It was only scarcely boarded up and had tree vines crawling up over every visible wall. You skimmed over the old building with a disgusted look in your eyes.

"You've gotta be kidding me. Jin, if you're going to kill me, you could've just done it three miles ago. I'd rather not die inside of this dungeon of horrors." You whined pathetically which Jin had the gall to laugh at you for.

"My dear, this 'dungeon of horrors' is the gateway to Eden. Stop wiggling so much, you'll be fine." He assured.

The moment that he stepped inside, a crow yelped rather loudly in the sky, something so immediate and timed that you knew for a fact it was no coincidence. Jin carried you forward, towards a hidden area filled with moss and shrubbery. Before you could protest, Jin had already set you down on the cold concrete and pulled out his combat knife. You prepared to be skinned alive, but the knife dug into his own skin instead. The blade pierced the palm of his hand causing dark red blood to drip. He placed his hand in front of him onto a particular piece of concrete, letting his blood fall onto the pavement in a pattern you weren't familiar with.

"What are you doing?" You asked.

"Eden has many different entrance locations, all of which require a blood offering to unlock the doors." He explained just as the seemingly normal floor under you began to sink downwards. You panicked for a moment, grabbing onto Jin's leg as the ground carried you lower than you ever wanted to go. He lent back down to pick you up again, but this time you wrapped your arms around his neck, fearing what would happen if he ever set you down again.

Amongst the bare walls now surrounding you was a heavy-looking metal door. Jin took you towards it, hitting it in a rhythmic tap that was too intricate to be improvisation. The door flew open immediately, revealing a dark hallway.

Your heart raced unintentionally.

You didn't know that Jin could hear your heart beating rapidly as clear as he could hear you speaking to him, so you didn't see his mildly concerned look down at you as you clutched onto him like a safety net. He sighed.

"Do you still want to do this?" He asked. It was so unexpected of him that you eased up on your grip and stared, unsure of how to respond.

"If you mean survive, then yes. I trust you."

"You just met me, dear. It's incredibly stupid to trust strangers." He scolded you not unlike a father would and it made you smile for a split second.

"As if I really have other options, Dracula. Get a move on it before I really pussy out because I can't take looking at this creepy place a second longer." This time Jin laughed and simply adhered to your wishes, speeding through the door and into the hallway. Behind you, the door slammed shut on its own and you could hear the floors lifting once again.

You kept your eyes shut as you sped through the long hallway. Until the faint sound of music tingled your eardrums and Jin came to a sudden halt. "Welcome to Eden. Let's get you settled in somewhere."

Hesitantly, you opened your eyes to examine whatever hell hole you've been brought to, and you couldn't help the gasp that tore through you. Jin smirked at your reaction.

"I think you'll have a good time here, so long as you don't wander off by yourself or run accidentally into JK."

"Who?"

#bts fanfic #bts angst #bts scenarios #jeon jungkook fic #jeon jungkook x you #jungkook x reader #jungkook x oc #jimin x reader #park jimin fic #bts smut #bts fic

56 notes · View notes

vanitygrxxx · 4 years

Text

Vanity. Seems like a dated word and an old concept that has never been more prominent before today. What does vanity mean in a world of social media, cellphones and perpetual exposure? What does vanity mean in a world of lax morals and little dignity? What is dignity? What are morals? What are lax morals? Are they a bad thing? Who sets the bar? Everything is up for debate. Is it immoral to be so into yourself? Why is it frowned upon by some but glamourised by others? And if today’s world is characterised more and more by shameless vanity should we just all embrace it? Or should we be more critical of it? Is it an inherent thing that we learn to suppress due to societal standards or are we conditioned into it through societal pressure?

These are a few of my concerns and questions on the matter of vanity and to be honest I haven't been able to answer any. And to be even more honest every answer seems right. Depending on one’s point of view of course. In my case, my background and upbringing are a somewhat unorthodox mix of traditionality and forwardness that have made my confusion on the subject even more intense. My parents were raised in the rural town of Sparta, Greece. Greece, where I’m from, has always been a deeply traditional country that even though considered part of the western world, it has deeply rooted middle eastern influences that can be considered as more conservative. It has also been characterised throughout the years by a core dispute between communist and right wing parties and their respective followers which is still very prominent. Therefore the country itself is a nation defined by a series of conflicts and contradicting mentalities. However, the ‘westernisation’ that we espouse as a nation calls for an open-mindedness and progressiveness that Greeks were not eased into. And that has definitely created a sort of conflict for my peers and me. Because we are a generation that has grown up with the ideals and ethics of our parents and grandparents, family being a very strong institution in Greece, but with the need to keep up with current trends and norms and be more open to change. Moreover, carrying the weight of an ancient civilization that has shaped the entire humanity, we are expected to honour that heritage by adhering to expanding our intellectual capacities and disregarding superficiality. Therefore, it strikes me as odd and troubling when I see any greek girl my age posting pictures on instagram of her face accompanying it with a misspelled inspirational quote in english just to project a certain image of herself and simultaneously downplay the vanity angle by easing it with a ‘meaningful’ message. This is a common occurrence that is truly baffling to me which highlights the vast disparity between truth and image. This is also a recurring theme in many ancient greek written works such as the Odyssey; the concept of «είναι και φαίνεσθαι», the difference between reality and appearances.

On the other hand however, I wonder, am I just being an overly critical, contemptuous, angry person? I could cut people some slack. At the end of the day is vanity so bad? It has existed since the dawn of time and has been the driving factor behind many achievements I am sure. After all how can we distinguish vanity from self-love, ambition and confidence? They say be comfortable with your looks, love the skin you're in, but when does loving yourself become a little too much? These are questions that constantly trouble me and to which i have tried to give answers multiple times but to no avail.

Greek artist’s alter ego Anna Goula shown above is a trash pop singer who mocks contemporary Greek performers.

The most obvious and early tale of vanity is that of Narcissus. Enamoured by his own reflection but not being able to realise his feelings towards himself, he was burned by the flame of his own passion. This myth gave its name to what we now know as narcissism, the overt admiration of ones self and looks and their self-idealisation. Vanity, on the other hand, started off as a term referring to the futility and ephemeral nature of life and material things, however it has mostly become synonymous to narcissism and egomania in current times.

One very prominent example of how the social and cultural dynamics surrounding vanity have drastically changed over the past few years is the rise of the Kardashian aesthetic and the reign of instagram culture. Kim Kardashian has almost single-handedly rendered shameless vanity an acceptable if not desirable trait, and has even managed to capitalise on it by not only using it to expand her followers which in turn translate into more money but by also publishing a book full of her selfies, titled ‘selfish’ and rightfully so. I think that current instagram culture has a lot to give when it comes to insight on the matter and probably more so when it comes to ordinary people rather than celebrities.

Kim Kardashian’s aforementioned book.

I am also interested in how female artists like Cindy Sherman and Nan Goldin explore the female image and sexuality in their photography, which could provide insight coming from either a pro or anti vanity point of view. I also once attended a talk by Juno Calypso, a young photographer who explores the issue of vanity, self-worship, the futility of beauty and its attainability at any cost, through her site specific performances and photographs. Her pinky pastel aesthetic also alludes to stereotypical explicit femininity and seamlessly blends the past with the present. I would certainly like to look at artists like that whose strong aesthetics are a source of debate and inspiration.

Juno Calypso’s Honeymoon Series.

I would also like to look at Yorgos Lanthimos, the only famous Greek director who is currently the pride and joy of Greece due to his accolades. Even though I have only watched some of his movies in fragments, I was surprised by his distinct aesthetics and concepts when I saw a magazine editorial he shot with Taylor Hill. The young model is posing in her underwear in her grandmothers utterly traditional home, resulting in an unusual but very real and gritty visual, that speaks volumes to Lanthimos’ greekness. I would definitely want to explore his earlier movies more in depth, more so because of his exploration of greek social and familial dynamics rather than his exploration of vanity, but at the end of the day aren’t they both related?

Lanthimos’ shoot for V magazine.

Last but not least, I would like to look at how vanity is related to fetish and explore their relationship to fashion and cinema. Looking at collections and runways from the 90s by Thierry Mugler, the sheer theatricality of the models, the way they have been directed to essentially perform instead of simply carry out a catwalk and of course the clothes, inevitably bring to mind dominatrix-y aesthetics. Of course latex also plays an important role in forming that aesthetic and is a big part of the fetish notion which is worth looking into.

Thierry Mugler’s fashion shows.

I believe that all the works I have done so far have more or less included the element of vanity and body ideals in one way or another. Combining latex with traditional victorian hoop skirts was a way for me to explore the relationship between the traditional and the contemporary and examining the dynamics between the conservative and the sexual. I also tried to explore that relationship in my manifesto project, where I looked at my upbringing and more specifically my rural roots and the agricultural background of my family and tried to explore the gap between the aforementioned traits to the more ‘liberal’ and modern upbringing I had in the city. I also tried to explore that relationship in two linked performance/photography pieces I did last year, combining again my traditional background to my sexuality and self-admiration; one was set in my grandmother’s house while the other one was set in a temporary stay sex hotel in Athens. I feel like my experience so far with latex and pvc will prove useful, at least as material exploration and experimentation are concerned and will pave the way for me to explore further the notion of vanity and fetish through their material realisations.

My ‘Portrait of a millenial’ project, set in Priamos sex hotel in Athens. I placed objects like family photos, christian icons and doilies from my grandmother’s house and did traditionally ‘grandmother’ things like crossword puzzles as if I were in my own home.

Second part of my ‘Portrait of a millenial’ project. I made a revealing burlesque costume and wore it around my grandmother’s house to highlight the difference between the sexual and the flamboyant and the religious and traditional.

6 notes · View notes

hellsparadiseessays · 5 years

Text

Aza Brothers Week - Day 3

Part II of my essay on the Aza Brothers, initially posted on r/Jigokuraku back in April/May. Reading it again cracks me up tbh, I usually suck at guessing authors’ intents, but this time it seems I managed to be right on pretty much everything, which still blows my mind. More under the cut!

Aza bros, an analysis – Part II: an essay on Tao, Lord Tensen and how Chôbe may not die so soon

As a disclaimer, three things need to be mentioned. First, thy enter spoiler territory; flee while thy can, new reader! Second, I am not Japanese/Chinese nor raised in Japan/China, so my take is solely based on the academic documents I read, what I know and what I understand. If there’s a mistake in my understanding, please, feel free to address it. Third, English is not my native language, so while I’m fluent in it, I don’t promise a 100% quality and may make some grammar mistakes here and there. On this note, let’s start a needlessly academic write up. I hope you’ll deem it an enjoyable or educative read.

The first part of this essay focused on Chôbe and Toma, their dynamic and how society keeps influencing them despite their rejection of it. Now that this whole part about their past and present is explained, we can turn our attention towards the potential future for them. Well, mostly for Chôbe, since this part of the essay has been modified in light of chapter 54, which gave us Toma’s immediate goal: getting stronger by training with Tamiya, so he can save his brother (and be on equal foot with him, especially when it comes to murdering everybody - Toma, you sneaky bastard, ily but be careful, Shion may be onto you). Things may not end up being that easy considering a whole boat full of ninjas is on its merry way to get Gabimaru’s head, but hey, the group may split up as a consequence of this specific mess. Considering that, the second part of the essay on our good brothers will be focused on Tao, Chôbe and Lord Tensen, and will be more opinion-based than the previous one (though textual evidences will be brought up to explain said opinions).

1. What is Tao and how does it work?

Tao has been defined both in-story and through u/gamria’s posts on this very subreddit (latest post here), so I will mostly sum things up a bit before going on yet another long rant about Chôbae.

Like Gamria summed up, Tao irl means “The Way” and is tied to a philosophy of life that allows one to live in harmony with the world. This state of perfection can be reached through various exercises involving alchemy, physiology and even specific sexual practices to prolong one’s life and reach immortality.

Now I’m not explaining further because you have the aforementioned essays on that matter, and because I’m having trouble wrapping my head around it so giving a clear explanation is tough. Instead, let’s see which elements of Taoism can be found in Jigokuraku and how they are explained in-story.

• Yin and Yang: they represent the duality between everything. Shion explains it well: "Tapping into this power demands a balanced spirit. Not too intense... Not too tranquil...”, “the interstice between rage and serenity... That duality. You must push your spirit to reach such a state.” (chapter 29) Lord Tensen also exemplifies it by switching between feminine and masculine – the energies represented by Yin and Yang.

• Tao: separated from Chi in the manga, yet with a similar function. It’s the life force that, once mastered, allows one to gain strength and perform notably better in battle (among other things).

• Waidan: the Outer Alchemy, one of the two forms of Taoist alchemy. It involves the use and mix of various elements found in nature (mineral, vegetal, animal) and constitutes a way to reach immortality. We’ve seen a lot of examples of it since our band of misfits arrived on the island: the Soshin, Monshin, the way Tan is produced, even Lord Tensen themselves – they are born from the mix between various elements found in nature, to produce something new that ranges from the technical fodder half human-half animal to a sort of elixir of life (Tan) based on humans mixed with plants to Lord Tensen (half plant-half human, with a very precise choice of plant to maximise the potential of Yin and Yang – and thus, of Tao – by having beings that are physically hermaphrodite).

• Neidan: the Inner Alchemy, the other form of Taoist alchemy. A mix of Waidan, cosmology and the Five Elements, it’s a system that makes one perceive their body as a cauldron in which the Three Treasures (Jing – Essence, Qi – Breath, Shen – Spirit) are worked in a manner that’ll allow a physical and emotional improvement through unity, leading to the immortality sought by Taoism.

• Five Elements: we literally got drawings and explanations about that one in the manga, so TL;DR it’s the sequence of Wood – Fire – Earth – Metal – Water constantly generating positive or negative interactions in a cyclic way. Wood feeds Fire, the Ash becomes Earth, from the Earth is born Metal, Metal can bear Water, Water makes Wood grow. Wood cracks Earth, Fire bends Metal, Earth absorbs Water, Metal cuts Wood, Water puts Fire out. These elements are also associated with seasons (Wood/Spring, Fire/Summer, Earth/late Summer (harvests), Metal/Autumn, Water/Winter) as well as moods, planets, colours or even Cardinal directions. As explained by the characters, everybody has one type dominating the others, and can act accordingly to it – be it by figuring out the appropriate strategy in a fight or understanding from which place X physical issue comes from, how to heal it and so on.

I’m probably missing some things, but that’s what caught my attention according to what I gathered from external sources and what I noticed in the manga. I’ll use these points to explain my personal take on Chôbe’s strength and what his future may look like, as well points out some interesting details about Lord Tensen and the way things seem to go in Hourai.

2. Lord Tensen: office politics is also a thing in Paradise

The island, described as Paradise and the place where the Elixir of Life can be found, truly is an amusing place. Its inhabitants are so human, no matter how much they try to get past this condition through all the means they can. First, you have people like Hoko, unfortunate souls who’ve been thoroughly manipulated and clearly seen as utter fools by Lord Tensen. Then you have the Soshin and Monshin, who’re seen as nothing more than failures. Then you have the Doshi, the disciples, who’re not there yet but fine enough to be the optional servants of Lord Tensen. Then you have the seven forms of Lord Tensen, which have displayed individual characteristics in their appearance, abilities and personalities. Zhu Jin is mocked for his loss against Shion (and his loss of Tao as well, which resulted in his body looking older), Ju Fa clearly has a short fuse and a violent disposition, Mu Dan is the local Mad Scientist who’s ready to give one’s a chance if one’s shows the potential for it (hi, Yuzuriha), Ratana Taisei seems to be the local mood maker and Rien is the leader (and Mad Scientist-in-Chief) who’s obeyed by the others without questions. However, Rien doesn’t seem to just be in charge of his fellow Tensen, it looks like he’s also in charge of overseeing the entire island. He’s the one showing distrust about Ju Fa’s confirmation on whether or not Chôbe and Toma were dealt with, and he’s the one who sent one of the Doshi to make sure they were Tan material. Later, when Mu Dan is killed (and since the Doshi sent to the Tan pit didn’t come back), he takes matters into his own hands and that’s how he ends up meeting Chôbe.

And let’s not forget Mei, who’s a proper wrench in the entire system by running around instead of being used as Bochu Jutsu material by the Doshi. No matter how seemingly godly Lord Tensen is, they clearly cannot foresee the consequences their actions may have. Ju Fa’s brutality may cause a rift among the seven, Rien accidentally gave free informations to our band of misfits by banishing Mei for her impurity, forcing her to consume Tan and giving her to the Doshi – thus creating a resentment that’ll come back to bite his backside, probably in the form of a small, fire-using ninja and his gang.

Considering these observations about the local politics of Kotaku, we can consider Chôbe’s future from a perspective larger than the one we get from a single weekly read of the new chapters.

3. Chôbe’s strength and potential: impure or new step forward?

Even before he sets a foot on Kotaku, Chôbe’s strength is pointed out when he literally kicks a man 6 feet in the air. The lad’s crazy physical strength is made obvious first during the fight against the other criminals, then when he deals with the Soshin and even picks a giant axe to clear the place more easily (funnily enough, that axe belonged to an Oni-like Soshin, the implications for Chôbe are amusing).

But the real deal about Chôbe’s potential becomes evident during the fight against the Doshi. After having been thrown in the Tan pit and having been somewhat invaded by the plants here, a shift happened and Chôbe became able to wield and read Tao. Not perfectly, but he picked up on it awfully fast, the Doshi openly acknowledged it in chapter 30: “this man is powerful, and yet considerably fatigued. It takes all he has to remain standing. This is only a bluff, a glimpse at his Tao reveals as much” at the beginning of the fight (considering the siblings had been beaten and thrown into the Tan pit some time before, it’s expected for Chôbe to be tired), “he possesses the aptitude, but has far to go” later during their fight, and he even uses the word “astounding” twice in relation to Chôbe’s fighting abilities. In chapter 31, a swift change happens in the way the Doshi perceives Chôbe: “this man’s Tao... It seems to have grown... In such a short period of time?” and “I can tell... This man is dangerous. A threat to Lord Tensen. He must be killed here. Now.” The Doshi even considers Chôbe’s progress and almost instantaneous understanding of the way to wield Tao “impossible”. Well, looks like it is possible when you’re the ever observant Aza Chôbe. Because that man may look and act like a beast, but he is far from being one – save for the fight against Gabimaru (during which he lost his mental balance), he demonstrated how clear his mind is during a fight, and do you know how he started understanding the way Tao works? By seeing it with his right eye. The blind one. As soon as we see him figure it all out, a panel is dedicated to this eye, wide open with a faintly visible pupil. That means he managed to calmly pull off what Shion has been doing for years while in the middle of a fight. Later, during his fight against Gabimaru, he went even further by managing to instinctively master his new form: he managed to turn his left arm into a sort of giant axe, thus showing the readers how he’s slowly managing to transcend his condition as a puny human.

Considering point 2 and what has been aforementioned, we can thus draw some conclusions about the path that may await Chôbe.

First, his growth relies on the balance between his rage and his calm (Professor Shion worded it perfectly), so while I’m not worrying too much about Toma for now, the same may not be said of Chôbe. I was thinking that before, but in light of chapter 54 and Toma’s decision, I suspect Chôbe may need Toma much more than Toma needs him. Plus, while his brother was protected and had time to swallow all the terrible things that happened to them, the same cannot be said of Chôbe, who still has a lot of hangs up (see Part I of this essay), the very hangs up that had him lose his mind while fighting Gabimaru. The entire scene when he finds himself facing that dark mass intrigues me. Is it the result of an imbalance, or the effect of the vines and consumption of Soshin blood that changed something in him? It was a stark opposition with the way Gabimaru’s flashbacks are expressed: while Gabi’s flashbacks tend to have this light about them, Chôbe’s flashback was dark, confused, suffocating. Seeing it caused Chôbe to not see Gabimaru anymore, and just lash out at everything that hurt him regardless of its nature. Our Bandit King will probably have to face all that to find a proper balance and gain further mastery over his new found abilities.

I mentioned the consumption of Soshin blood to stay hydrated, and this is my second point about Chôbe’s potential fate. We could suspect it with the way Tan is produced and consumed by Lord Tensen, but chapter 54 was clear about it: to survive, living beings full of Tao must be consumed, and that’s exactly what Chôbe did out of survival. Rien qualified him of “impure”, just like Mei (who needs to consume Tao from an external source to avoid arborification and had her Tanden destroyed), which has been treated like a failure. But does it really mean Chôbe is a failure? Remember, the Doshi openly found him amazing and even dangerous for Lord Tensen. So where Rien saw failure in Mei, will he see the same in Chôbe? Considering the short amount of time spent on the island (3-4 days), and considering Rien is one of the local Mad Scientists, it is possible that he’ll pick on Chôbe’s abnormal abilities and will take note of it. Maybe he’ll even take him to Hourai, where I’m sure Ratana Taisei would be delighted to meet him again – remember the encounter with her and Ju Fa, back in chapter 16? Taisei openly expressed her interest in Chôbe (“he’s cute”), and we already saw what was going on in the Palace (a literal pool to train and private beds for some Bochu Jutsu). Considering Yuzuriha nearly had a taste of it with Mu Dan, I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if it was what actually happened to Chôbe. The one thing that worries me about his situation is the issue with arborification, which may or may not end up being a long-term problem for him depending on what may happen if he goes to the Palace and learn more about Tao.

But do you know what would be hilarious about the entire situation with Lord Tensen? Considering his unruly nature and sneaky behaviour (in chapter 30, he stayed down and waited for the Doshi to approach before ripping his throat out), I wouldn’t put it past Chôbe to play the card of the wolf among sheeps, stealing what Lord Tensen has to offer before wrecking some havoc in the Palace. That would be fitting of a Bandit King, don’t you think?

Well, this is all for now, I guess? Like I said, this second part is more me giving my opinion and taking wild guesses based on what I noticed in the manga. It’s also me ranting about Chôbe, because of course that’s what I do ever since I discovered that amazing character. I hope you found this read enjoyable or informative, a part 3 may happen depending on the material we get. In the mean time, I’m totally expecting UG to contradict some of the speculations I made. Oh well, we’ll see. I don’t even think I’ll be mad, because his handling of the story until now has been 10/10 to be honest. Re-reading the manga told me that much.

#jigokuraku #hell's paradise #chôbe #tôma #essay #my stuff

13 notes · View notes

tomasorban · 5 years

Text

THE ZODIAC: VIRGO THE VIRGIN

Date of Rulership: 23rd August-22nd September; Polarity: Negative, female; Quality: Mutable; Ruling planet: Mercury; Element: Earth; Body part: Solar plexus and bowels; Colour: Dark brown, green; Gemstone:Sardonyx; Metal: Mercury or nickel.

Up until now, the formative forces expressed by the zodiac under the signs of Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, and Leo have been orientated towards the inner realm of self-expression and self-actualization, and particular an expression that doesn’t wish to be hindered by external influences or contingencies. This all changes with Virgo, a sign whose potency derives from the ethereal element of earth and mutability. Virgos are quite like a combination of metal oxides, minerals, and organic matter otherwise known as clay. They adapt quickly to the pulling, pushing, thrashing, twisting, folding, and overturning caused by the protean elements of the environment through sharpened faculties of common sense and level-headed thinking. If Virgo were a cosmic process, it would be an accelerated version of natural selection; if it were an animal, it would be a rainforest chameleon; and if it were a person, it would more than likely be a molecular biologist. The three just mentioned things partake of the same methodology when it comes to encountering reality and the world: they all start by apportioning a state, condition, or situation into its respective subcomponents; then studying the composition of each piece, its practical purpose, its relation to the other parts, and all possible forms of interaction; and finally pondering all possible outcomes and consequences should any unforeseen mechanistic failure or breakdown in communication between the parts ensue. Moreover, the mutable energies of Virgo are meticulously practical and conscientious; they will measure, demarcate, and map out their worldview before ruffling through to weed out items of information that are superfluous, insignificant, of no intellectual or creative interest, or of no practicable use. Virgo is a focused sign and sees no value in going off on wild goose chases or intellectual tangents that are merely products of curiosity rather than data aligned into a chronological tree of final causes.

Thus Virgo is the “analyst” of the zodiac, the sentient filter that gathers, stores, retrieves, analyses and prioritizes information in a mental filing system designed to sharpen the conscious will and force the ego along its chosen path and trajectory of evolution. To arrive at this state of being, Virgo had to sift through an array of primary characteristics from preceding signs and single out the ones it wanted: from Taurus it borrowed willpower, diligence, and focus; and from Cancer it acquired the desire to mother and nurture others, especially those beings that seem helpless and in need of protection or attention. Virgo’s innate tendency towards analysis, its sedate disposition, and its agenda rendered the traits of the other three signs–Aries, Gemini, and Leo–both undesirable and incompatible, and hence it bypassed the lot without a second thought.

“You know guys and girls, I’m a bit like extra virgin olive oil,” says Virgo. “I am well aware of my own composition, texture, colour, and taste. I know my own essence, what I mix well with, and what I don’t mix with at all. I can also tell you without the slightest doubt that I’m good for you, and that I probably know what’s best for you better than you do. The endeavour that we call life is best approached from an angle that involves formulating plans and putting them into action. Throw in a bit of salt and pepper in the form of self-discipline and hard work and you have a recipe for instant success and satisfaction. It’s as simple as that. Those of you who say or do otherwise are either naïve, ill-informed, delusional, or plain stupid, and you can be certain that I’ll be giving you the “I-told-you-so” lecture somewhere down the track for taking detours onto dirt roads which lead to oblivion. We never, ever let our hearts usurp the position held by our heads–this sentiment extends to all areas of life, including family, love, sex and relationships, profession and career, finance, and so forth.

In any case, if you’re not quite sure as to how the mechanics of this little secret works I’d be more than happy to forfeit some my own time and give you a demonstration. There’s nothing more satisfying than giving to a fellow projection of the conscious universe, a brother or sister, and you can be more than certain that God, salvation, and peace are to be found in such moral, selfless, and loving acts. I do have some insight into my own psychic makeup, and understand that my love of perfectionism, my sense of righteousness, and my “know-it-all” approach can intimidate, irritate, and anger others. This has nothing to do with conceit or being up myself but rather a love for the world and my devotion to it. Why can’t people wake up and realise what’s good for them I say? Why do they make the same mistakes, over and over, without learning from them? How can the most intellectual of earthly creatures be so incompetent and inefficient sometimes? We need to listen before we speak, prepare before we do battle, and look before we jump. If people adhered to these very simple guidelines, there’d be a hell of a lot less grief in the world!”

From what we can see, Virgo is obviously a reflective sign that places a colossal emphasis on education and learning. And what Virgo aptly sees in this temporal and sometimes chaotic world of change and evolution quicker than any other sign is that self-preservation is dependent upon doing things in moderation. When physical, mental or emotional energies are utilized to extremes for prolonged periods of time, the individual will manifest wear and tear that inevitably leads to burnout. The best way to avoid hitting a wall, according to Virgo, is to engage in periodic exercise, eat a nutritious diet high in protein, complex carbohydrates, fibre and coloured vegetables, and cordon off a few hours each day for solitary endeavours intended to cultivate the soul. Learning new skills and refining natural talent is way more important and meaningful to a Virgo than being a social magnet or an energy vampire. From this perspective it’s easy to see why the Virgo man or woman admires, respects and holds in the highest esteem individuals who are intellectually and academically inclined.

In neural physiology, we might align Virgo with the rational, mechanistic, and dominant scientist that lives in the left hemisphere of our brains. Like the latter, Virgo is only interested in knowledge pertaining to reality that is collected by the sense faculties and categorized through deductive reasoning. Unlike the latter though, Virgo discriminates between knowledge collected on the basis of its usefulness. If theory or knowledge cannot be applied in some concrete way to improve the present conditions of life, then there’s no point in even knowing about it. As far as Virgo is concerned, anything abstract and speculative or anything that evades human comprehension and classification is simply not worth any vested time or effort.

There are two symbols associated with Virgo the Virgin. The first is a reclining woman, an obvious allusion to the Great Mother Goddess in all her guises (i.e. the virgin, the crone, the good mother, the temptress or seductress, the whore, and so forth). She is the stellar goddess of innumerable names: for the ancient Babylonians and Assyrians she was Ishtar, the all-encompassing deity of love, war, fertility and sex; for the ancient Egyptians she found expression through the feminine triad of Nut-Hathor-Isis; for the ancient Greeks she was a triune spirit encompassing the Olympian deities Artemis, Athena, and Hestia; and for the Imperial Romans she was Ceres, the maternal goddess of agriculture, grain crops and fertility who was always depicted holding a sheaf of corn. One would have to say that the most recognized religious iconography associated with this zodiacal sign is that of the Christian Mary, the Immaculate Virgin and Queen of Heaven who brought forth the incarnation of God the Father in Jesus Christ the Son.

In classical mythology, the stellar constellation of Virgo was inextricably linked with Astraea, the goddess of justice and innocence. According to the Hellenes, there was a time when the immortals were thriving alongside the mortals on Earth. Back then the world was largely devoid of diseases, plagues, burdens, and other conditions detrimental to general health, wellbeing and contentment. This was to change with the curiosity of Pandora, who made the tragic mistake of opening a cursed box gifted to her by the immortals themselves for the sake of testing her willpower in consort with her ability to toe the line and follow simple instructions. Save for being the source of all misfortunes for mankind, Pandora also became the reason for the gods and goddesses to desert their corporeal posts. Even Astraea, the most tolerant and patient amongst them, surrendered all hope of a swift redemption for mankind and fled to the mount of heaven when she saw that the ravages of war had escalated to a degree of barbarity that left expired mercenaries without dignity. It is said that Astraea will descend from her celestial throne to Earth again when the human psyche returns to its former Adamic state of spiritualization.

The second symbol, an astrological shorthand for the zodiacal sign, looks like the small letter ‘m’ with a curved projection linking the top and bottom parts of the third leg. As a sygil, it bears a great many resemblances to two subsequent signs, Libra and Scorpio, both of which are intensely concerned with the collective social and psychospiritual evolution of humanity. On a great many occasions we find that the uroboric loop formed by the final leg is represented as a fish, the Piscean totem. Therefore we can infer that the glyph is denoting an ethereal condition where spirit or vital essence is in the process of incarnating in the dense, lower world of physical forms.

Both symbols together recall characteristics central to the Virgo archetype–discrimination, intelligence, refinement, serenity, self-control, dedication, assiduousness, orderliness, and self-discipline. Over and above the positive connotations linked to them, these qualities are typical by-products of highly evolved and spiritual states of consciousness mediated by Virgo’s formative energies. We can be certain that both signs place immense emphasis on ascension and specifically the ascension of the human soul because the totemic figure is often shown with a pair of angel wings. The position of Virgo on the great cosmic wheel also reveals that both signs have to make do with maternity and fertility, as well as the condition of having fulfilled all prerequisites leading up to any undertakings meant to test physical, psychological, or spiritual parameters.

#zodiac #astrology #astrotheology #astropsychology #psychology #consciousness

9 notes · View notes

getyourblisson · 5 years

Text

A Look At May 2019

May normally is all about harmony, unity, balance, and bringing together polarities. This is particularly true of the masculine and feminine energies. It is a time that is focused on bringing polarities together in a way that respects and incorporates both aspects as a team; working with each other instead of against each other. As a result this month can normally be quite favorable for relationships.

This year however, we are looking at the focus being a little more personal. Our balancing polarities this year are about the material world (specifically money based systems) and the spiritual world (specifically unconditional love, and happiness). That means that those that are already in a balanced space are likely to do very well with socializing and can connect or strengthen a soul relationship or partnership at this time. Those that are not balanced may find themselves being forced to choose between climbing the corporate ladder, and being in a relationship/marriage.

There can be many important things to consider here. Choosing one or the other can have very detrimental effects. If we choose the corporate ladder, we will most likely be choosing out of fear to be stable in this world, or feeding the human ego. The cost could be the love of our lives. If we choose love, we may or may not also be choosing poverty. Granted a favorably coded relationship will survive and only see the hardships for the month.

The big key, to me, is to make a commitment to honor both during this month. Doing this will place you in a stronger position of power. If one side or the other demands a sacrifice of the other, see if they will give you a month to make your decision; because once into June the struggle will be gone and no decision will have to be made. If either refuses to give you that and places pressure on you; then that will be the one to give up, because it will not be there for you when you need it and is showing that it will not support nor sustain you going forward. A little tension is one thing, but demanding sacrifice lacks integrity; and nothing good comes from that.

As we bring the base components together for this month we find an interesting piece that shows that this will be a month where we will need to go within and do some strong soul searching. This soul searching is founded in where our true responsibilities are and where we are truly willing to commit ourselves long term. This leads to asking questions about what will sustain you for a lifetime, what best fills your heart, what allows you to most be yourself, where is the greatest amount of pure love, where are you existing naturally as your soul self, where is there integrity and honoring of the individual, where are others supporting you and standing by your side. These questions will at least get you started if you are feeling uncertain about things.

During this month we may not have as much free time as we would like. As a result, we will need to make the most out of the time that we do have. This month may have some high demands as you place what needs to be done over what you would like to be doing; however, in doing this you create a stronger future for yourself and open the door to greater stability, strengthening the foundations you are creating, and bring greater ease going forward.

As long as you have met responsibilities and obligations first then feel free to go out and have fun. It is kind of like doing your chores, before going to a party or gathering with friends. You will find that you have more fun if you do this; but if you don’t, you may never get done what needs to get done. Again, the key is balance this month; so work hard, and find activities that are physical, spiritually founded or fulfilling, and simple without time pressures. This would mean that your play time is not put onto time schedules. It includes things like walks, being in nature, spiritual retreats, relaxed social dinners or gatherings with friends, etc.

I welcome you to check in with where things are, and are not in balance in your life; and come up with a way to create balance where it is lacking.

I welcome you to consider the commitments you are carrying; and decide if it is time to let some go, and where your greatest priorities are. Remember to think about what is sustaining; and what provides for you in more than just monetary ways.

I welcome you to find soul fulfilling activities that harmonize body/mind/spirit to balance out intense work schedules.

Actions to focus on

During this month we will need to be particularly mindful of our physical needs. It is easy to think that we can do more than we can; and then come crashing down in exhaustion, heat stroke, or any array of stress related conditions. It is important to not overbook your schedule or max yourself out on a physical level this month. Things are not as they seem, and thus may take longer than you are anticipating for them. It is always beneficial to have some extra time, than to deal with the stress of not having enough time; or to have to cancel out of things because you booked too much into a day.

It will also be beneficial, to be ok with what you do get done. If things come up along the way and you don’t accomplish as much as you wanted; then be ok with that and accept it. Give yourself a certain amount of time to do things; and then honor stopping, no matter where you are in the process of it. Don’t overdo things, or keep pushing extra hard at this time. Doing so, can get you injured, sick, or create other detriments that can leave you unable to do anything. It is better to stop before you reach exhaustion, than to collapse from it. Pushing too hard creates unnecessary accidents.

From May 1st – May 6th our energy current will start the month off with an unexpected “gift” of some sort. Some may be leery of the strings that may be attached to that gift; and have a hard time trusting in what is being offered. The key is not about trusting what may or may not be attached to the gift, but the real key is to trust yourself enough to step away if there is a lack of integrity that comes with it. During these days, it will be wise to provide ourselves with some physical nurturing; such as rest, relaxation, extra sleep, good nutrition, etc. This is a time for stillness and considering what is most needed at this time.

From May 7th through the end of the month, we will receive what appears to be a stroke of luck (or temptation as the case may be). It is important to check things out thoroughly before making your decision on them. Our choices have a bigger impact than normal; and thus the results (pleasant or not) will also be magnified. Implement universal wisdom, and look for where universal principles are in motion to know which direction to go.

Take the time to really see which path will honor what is most needed; and not just what is promising fun and immediate gratification. When we honor what is needed, we set ourselves up for greater “luck” to unfold. Yes, the blessings and good fortune from this are real; so do not let those doubts creep in. If you have been doing “the work” with integrity, these are truly yours to enjoy. What are we really putting our trust into at this time? It is the journey guided by our soul self. It is being willing to be the explorer; untied to a specific destination, but knowing that where we end up will be incredible, as will be the journey to get there.

I welcome you to pay attention to your body, and honor caring for it; particularly where you have high physical demands.

I welcome you to accept what you are able to get done in a designated time frame. Know that you have done your best for that day with what you had to work with; and proceed on with honoring some time to balance yourself.

I welcome you to accept the gifts that you are being offered, and the journeys that are presented to you; as long as they hold integrity, and provide support and nourishment that will assist you in building stronger foundations and sustain you as you move forward.

What to focus your thoughts on

From May 1st – 6th we will find the month’s energy to be magnified. It is important that we do not allow others to push us into decisions, or to answer things immediately. It is too easy to allow others to sway us in a direction that is unfavorable for us.

This is not the time to partner with others; and you need to make certain that you are making your own decisions right now. That being said, do not take on anything that you cannot do yourself. No matter how well intentioned others may be, it is unlikely that they will be able to fulfill their obligations or their part of things to you; and that may be due to things that they may not even have control over.

It is always important to keep in mind that our first and greatest responsibility is to our soul self. Hand in hand with that, goes keeping a favorable balance between all aspects of ourselves. There is a tendency to want to speak up and rebel against the injustices, lack of integrity, and those that place extra burdens on us because they are not being responsible enough to handle their share of things. However, this leads us back to choosing those things that we can handle on our own; and as a result will not experience such huge tendencies.

During this time there may be a tendency to rebel in our thoughts; and we must be careful that we are not wishing others ill in this process. Being angry with those with fewer earthly responsibilities or obligations will not serve us well. Being upset with others for not supporting us, or making the choices that we want them to make; will not serve us well. Remember the greatest forms of rebellion is to become stronger in our soul self, to create personal successes, to be happy, to be in unconditional love no matter what.

From May 7th – 21st we get to start seeing the results of our choices in the first week of the month. If we did not get carried away with angry and negative thoughts; then we will experience some beautiful gifts of spirit coming back our way. If we stayed focused on meeting our responsibilities and obligations, and stayed focused on what needed to be done; we will experience blessings beyond earthly payment or rewards. In essence, we will find greater ease mentally; and an ability to experience the abundance mindset.

In addition, during this time people will be focused more on loving unconditionally; and creating happier spaces to be in. We benefit quite well, from communicating peace and love; as simple as that sounds. The more happiness that we create with what we are focusing on, the greater the harvest we shall reap. The more we let go of the negative illusions and distorted thought patterns, the more we can experience Heaven on Earth.

From May 22nd through the end of the month our thoughts turn more to success. This is a great time to reflect on our true successes. What was not just an Earthly accomplishment; but what touched a life, a heart, or a soul? This is a time where we can experience true fulfillment from having chosen wisely earlier in the month.

While the earthly aspects may have tried to break our soul and spirit, every place that we have been able to stand strong and not sacrifice that aspect of ourselves brings blessings that no amount of money can buy. This may also be a time where we can see and really feel to our core, how the sacrifices that we made along the way have been well worth it. It can also show us how those things have been an important part of our journey.

It is during this time that we get to see where we are taking leadership in our life. This is a time that whatever we put our heart and soul into will succeed. As a result we will grow the fulfillment that we experience from that core space. It is important to check-in with ourselves and make certain that our soul is able to support what we are giving our energy to. The more congruency there is, the more positive and successful the experience.

I welcome you to make your own decisions, in your own time. Pay attention to where others are trying to make decisions for you, or pressure you to go with what they think is best. Step away from those that are doing this.

I welcome you to focus on how much happiness and unconditional love you can speak and share with others. How much are you willing to keep your mind on pleasant thoughts, instead of being pulled into other people’s drama?

I welcome you to tune into the experiences that most fulfill you at your core self. Take time to acknowledge where you have stood in your soul self, regardless of what tried to pull you off course from that.

Nourishing The Soul

From May 1st – 15th our opportunities for love and partnerships are increased. It will be important that we do not formalize them at this time; but only consider them as a possibility. Use this time to explore them a bit for yourself without commitments or obligations.

A big key as to whether this connection has potential will be to see how much influence it has on your decisions, and how much you are shifting and changing to try to make it work; or simply accepting what others are saying you are perceiving. The more that you do this, the less favorable the relationship will be for you. Those that are favorable for us will use this time as an exploratory phase; and will not push the relationship to be, nor make decisions to formalize it at this time.

One of the biggest cautions with relationships, at this time, is that they can appear to be full of love and happiness; but in reality end up being physically based, manipulative, or have additional agendas that are designed (consciously or unconsciously) to break our spirit. This is like someone that suddenly takes interest in us, only to learn our weaknesses so that they can use that to break us or gain information from us to use for their own benefit and gain. Of course these things will backfire on them; but that doesn’t make our experience any more favorable if we play into it.

Remember, true relationships sustain their love and integrity over time; and time is often what allows us to see what is true and what is not. A true relationship supports and nourishes the spirit through integrity; it does not seek to break our spirit. Watch out for those connections that start off with high chemistry; at this time they are likely to be primarily sexually based. This is fine if all you want is a booty call; but don’t expect to find a life partner, where primal urges are strong. This is a deception of the material aspects of this dimension; which presents itself as an irresistible soul connection, which in reality it is not.

From the 16th through the end of the month, our spirit or soul self may be feeling a bit liked a penned wild stallion. There is a desire to be free, and run wild, to break away from all restrictions and obligations and responsibilities; yet it sees no way to break down the fence that surrounds it, or hesitates so long when it sees an opening that it misses it’s chance at freedom, and ends up in a smaller stall. Yes, the spirit may be feeling a bit caged and rebellious right now. The more restricted our soul self feels, the more likely we are to rebel, be angry, or act out in some way.

Again, we want to consider positive ways of honoring a desire to rebel, without harming ourselves and others in the process. When we do this as nourishment for the soul, we see this honored in ways such as doing a retreat in silence, or disconnecting from all earthly responsibilities and obligations. We do this by loving purely and unconditionally, and focusing on humanitarian pursuits. We do this by stepping away from things that are money based for a couple of days; and connecting with that which is pure and simple. The latter being an aspect of removing our energy from what is being consuming of our soul self; and allowing it to deal with its own energy.

The more we can find positive ways to honor our rebellious energy, the more we will move out of this month experiencing some wonderful successes. The more we are able to stand in our soul self with what tries to break us, the more that we will be acknowledged for acting in honorable ways and for being of great value to where we are investing our time and energy. In essence the more we honor the soul self during this time, the greater and more numerous the blessings will be that we experience.

I welcome you to pay attention to how much others are influencing you; particularly those that are influencing you away from what your soul self finds fulfilling. Your gut will be a great indicator on this.

I welcome you to not react based on chemistry with others; if it is a true connection that chemistry will still be there a few weeks from now. I welcome you to explore these connections deeper to see if they are more than a physical rush; and if those that you are feeling a soul connection with are genuinely operating from their soul self. Time will give you the answer to that.

I welcome you to find soul fulfilling ways to satiate the rebel energy that surfaces within you.

The Code Journey ~ Jesse An Nichols George

3 notes · View notes

shybones · 6 years

Text

What is Gender Dysphoria?

EDIT 12/24/2018

If you want to reblog the original version of the post without the edit, you can find it here. >> link <<

I wrote this post 10 months ago, and it’s gained around 3,500 notes in that time. It’s both helped a lot of folks, and gained a bit of controversy in the notes and tags, mostly due to some of my poor wording. The goal of this post was to help people put into words what dysphoria was, since many people toss around the word dysphoria without actually describing what it is in any sort of clear way. I’ve dealt with dysphoria for the past 13 years, working in all that time to put it into words, and talking to others with similar experiences, so I felt that this post would help others, specifically young teens, to do so.

People have questioned if i’m transmed/truscum. I’m not truscum. I’m transmed, but only in the sense I think there are trans people who benefit from medical help and need a very specific kind of activism that will be inherently different than the kind of trans people who do not experience medical dysphoria. I’m binary trans dude who experiences medically-defined dysphoria, so I wrote this post for binary trans people with medically-defined dysphoria, and I can’t claim to speak for non binary folks or people with social dysphoria. That form of identity and dysphoria just needs a different kind of activism and I’m not qualified to speak for it. Some folks have added some information onto this post about it, and i’m not going to link a specific one, because, again, I’m not qualified to figure out which one has the better information as I’m binary trans. However you can find it in the notes. You can also find some fair criticisms of my post in the notes if you’d like to read that.

My use of the word ‘tucute’ was a mistake that I regret. I was trying to describe people with social dysphoria that disagree with the gender roles unfairly forced onto them and didn’t have a better term for it, and ended up using that. I think that nonbinary and gender-nonconforming identities are valid and important. But, again, I’m not that. I wrote this post for binary dysphoria, to help folks figure out if what they are experiencing is the currently defined medical dysphoria that would most likely be helped by hormones and surgery, or if it’s of a nonbinary alignment.

I don’t believe in the True Trans discourse. I don’t care for it. People are people. I trust that nonbinary people know themselves, and I have deep respect for that. I cannot sit here and claim to know NB people better them themselves. That would make me a juvenile asshole. I think it’s wonderful that they have found an identity that brings them a sense of wholeness and peace, and I will fight for their acceptance.

However, I have seen more than one case of NB teens impulsively getting hormones and/or surgery and ending up regretting it due to very confusing definitions of dysphoria floating around online. And that’s understandable when most definitions for dysphoria are “when you feel your gender doesn't line up with your birth gender.” That’s far, far too vague.

Social and medical dysphoria are very different. Both are valid. But getting them mixed up has very real, harmful consequences on young folks that I have seen played out multiple times, and I am tired of it. My hope for this post was to reach young folks to help them understand their dysphoria further so they can better understand their options and paths in life. And it succeeded to a decent degree. I log on periodically to read the notes and tags, and I’m happy to see the people it’s helped, and I take the criticisms of the post seriously.

(And yes I know some NB folks can also experience medical dysphoria at the same time, I’m talking about specifically NB folks who don’t but due to the confusing nature of trans politics at the moment, a lot of people get confused about the various paths of what being trans means.)

Anyway, Happy Holidays.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something you’ll see asked a lot is what exactly gender dysphoria is (and isn’t), and, for good reason -- it’s something not a lot of people explain well. Please understand this is in no way a 100% comprehensive guide, and I am not a psychologist, but from my research and personal experience, this is the more common forms of manifestation, as well as the things commonly mistaken to be dysphoria but aren’t actually.

Before I can ever begin, I need to define two seemingly self-explanatory words that is often the ideological splitting point of confusion for people: Sex and Gender.

Sex: Two members of one species that are needed together to reproduce. One is dominated by Estrogen (Female) and the other Testosterone (Male.) Both sexes have both these hormones, but one more than the other. Hormones tell the body to put priority in certain features and growth in the body in order to prepare that body for reproduction. This is called sexual dimorphism. Sexual dimorphism isn’t artificial, there are very real biological difference between the male and female sexes of a species. This can be measured scientifically.

Gender: Originally interchangeable with “sex”, gender in relatively recent human history has come to largely refer to the social and cultural expectations put on each sex, known as Gender Roles. Gender Roles is the artificial, cultural tropes that have adhered itself to either sex, such as blue is for boys, girls like to wear dresses, etc. We know these are artificial tropes because those two examples used to be swapped (boys wore dresses in some time periods, blue was a feminine color). Because of the ever-changing definitions of the male and female gender roles, they cannot be measured scientifically -- they are entirely artificial.

So, there are two groups of people: One that believe sex and gender are the same thing and gender should never be used to refer to these sorts of tropes, and the other believes that sex and gender should be separate as sex is biology and gender refers entirely to gender role tropes. And this reluctance to collectively decide on a definition has brought about a lot of confusion about gender dysphoria.

People who are politically trans (”tucutes”) believe gender dysphoria is entirely about gender roles, even to a point they are denouncing the medical research as unproductive and harmful. Which would make sense if Gender Dysphoria was a political issue -- but it’s not, and shouldn’t be, because Gender Dysphoria has had decades of research and support from the psychiatric community.

What Gender Dysphoria Isn’t.

Liking clothing usually attributed to the opposite sex

Enjoying hobbies that are dominated by the opposite sex

Disliking sexism directed at your birth sex

Feeling as though people will take you more seriously as the opposite sex

Wanting to be allowed to do something that is seen only for the opposite sex, but will have you mocked if you try to do it as your birth sex (makeup, not shaving your legs, etc)

Feeling disconnected from your birth sex because none of the examples of your birth sex in your family, school, or work act like you, and you feel as though they are alien-like

Feeling like the opposite sex is better because all the examples of your same sex in your life are toxic, abusive, or unpleasant people

Feeling guilty for being or identifying as your birth sex because your peers told you your birth sex or you identifying as your birth sex is objectively harmful or undesirable

Hating the way you look.

Wanting to be able to play with toys that are associated with the opposite sex, but doing so gets you called a tomboy/sissy/etc.

As you may have noticed, many of these examples of what gender dysphoria isn’t have to do with political and cultural baggage revolving around gender roles for either biological sex, and the very real psychological discomfort they can cause. But all these things are about how you relate to the outside world.

When in reality, gender dysphoria is entirely about how you relate to yourself.

What Gender Dysphoria Is.

Gender Dysphoria, like any other medically defined condition, will vary in how the person experiencing the condition will display the symptoms. Some people are naturally more sensitive to some symptoms, and less others. Some people are not able to cope well at all and are a total wreck about them, and some manage to ignore and numb the symptoms to a point they don’t realize anything is wrong because they are so used to drowning the symptoms out.

You see this a lot with chronic pain -- some are very obviously in agony, while others have become so used to ignoring the pain that it only displays in ways that aren’t directly obvious: stress, anger, depression, etc.

The best analogy of how dysphoria often feels like is the trope of the trans person looking in the mirror, except in reverse. This trope often depicts the trans person standing in front of a mirror, the reflection showing who they REALLY are, while the viewer can see the trans person for what they really are in front of the mirror -- their birth sex. But to a trans person, this feels like the opposite. Subconsciously, we’ll feel like the sex we know we are, but when the world outside of us brings to attention that we’re not what we expect ourselves to be, it can result in varying levels of distress.

Gender dysphoria will not be experienced by everyone the same, but with all medical conditions, there are still certain things that will remain consistent, even if its expression can vary in intensity. Because of this, I will offer three levels of intensity for each dysphoria symptom to try and cover all degrees of intensity. And remember, these are just examples and should not be considered a play-by-play book for situations that you need to exactly adhere with.

Subconsciously feeling your body is “off.”

Low Intensity: You know, logically, this body is yours, but it doesn’t really feel yours. You’re not sure how other people are so confident in Knowing their body is theirs. You just don’t feel this innately.

Medium Intensity: You don’t recognize yourself in the mirror. You logically know this person is you, but it doesn’t *feel* like you. Unless you have an active reminder of your body, such as pain or a reflection, you forget you’re in it. You forget certain parts of your body exist. Maybe you have attributed it to sex by now, maybe you haven’t.

High Intensity: You look in the mirror, and it makes you angry. You know something is wrong, and when you finally realize what it is (your breasts, for example) you develop an intense hatred of them, a fear of them. You hate everyone can see them, see that they exist on you. They feel foreign, like an alien. They don’t register as yours. Worse yet, you know people are assuming things about your body from the fact they exist at all.

Feelings of distress at noticeable contrasts

Low Intensity: You notice the arm of someone of the opposite sex, and how different its features are from yours. It makes you uncomfortable, but you can’t really pin why. Or maybe you can. You try to ignore it.

Medium Intensity: You’re talking to someone, and you’re really put off by the difference between your voice and theirs. You find yourself wanting to sound like them. You may begin to avoid situations online where you need to use your voice, because you don’t feel like you sound correct.

High Intensity: You’ve become so sensitive to the contrasting differences between you and the opposite sex that you begin to entirely avoid the opposite sex all together. Surrounding yourself with the same sex feels counter intuitive, but it allows you to ignore the things off with your body much more successfully.

Noticing different expectations of gender roles, and having them amplified by already feeling your disconnected from your birth sex.

Low Intensity: When in school, your class is split up into male and female groups for the gym or for a class project. You feel alienated by this, even if you can’t pin why.

Medium Intensity: The clothing your sex is expected to wear at your age leaves you feeling exposed -- it accents the features you try best to ignore. And worse yet, it draws the attention of others to those features.

High Intensity: The idea of anything adhered to your birth sex revolts you -- you cannot stand being associated with it due to what it *says* about you... what others assume. Which sucks... because you like some of it. But it’s not worth the assumptions of others.

Feeling sexually awkward or inadequate due to subconscious expectations of your sexual workings

Low Intensity: You like the opposite sex, maybe bisexual or straight. But when you watch porn or fantasize about it... you find yourself placing yourself in the point of view of the opposite sex... Or you only like same sex porn of the opposite sex, yet still find yourself placing yourself in one of their point of view despite not being that sex. it just feels more natural.

Medium Intensity: You can’t masturbate the way your birth sex is “meant” to masturbate -- something about it just doesn’t feel natural. You find another way to get off, maybe you mime the action of the opposite sex’s genitalia, or get off by thrusting/humping a pillow like the opposite sex would during sex.

High Intensity: You know you’re not asexual, but you functionally might as well be. The fact your genitals don’t work remotely the way you feel they should work has defeated any libidio you would have otherwise had. Your sex life is awkward -- you find yourself focusing on pleasuring your partner, and politely declining when they offer to get you off. Using toys has prosthetics doesn’t really help either, sometimes it’s nice but more often than not it just results in you noticing your lack of the proper genitalia even more starkly.

In Conclusion

If you’re wondering if what you feel is clinical dysphoria and not just feeling hurt by the harmful tropes inflicted by gender roles, ask yourself this question:

You’re the last person on earth. There’s a button that, when pressed, will turn you into the opposite sex perfectly. You won’t get to choose how you end up looking, that’s decided by your genetics, and you won’t be skinnier or heavier either. There is no one around to judge you or treat you differently for either decision you make. There is no reverting the change.

Would you press it?

Why or why not?

#trans #ftm #mtf #dysphoria #mogai #truscum #transmed #tucute

5K notes · View notes

projectnero · 5 years

Text

PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE: THE SHEPHERD

Ah, Mr. Amos. The Starwatcher. The Shepherd. The Survivor. There are many names that my massive friend has taken over the years, but the only one he seems to consciously retain is “Amos”. Any attempts at a first or even middle name have been met with failure, and it has been confirmed that Canadian Mountain Giants do not even adhere to a typical giant nomenclature or tribal structure; that is to say, Amos is not his clan’s name, and Mr. Amos’s refusal or inability to divulge any more information than he has already given us makes finding records of him or his tribe next to impossible, unless one of you schleps feels like hiking through the Canadian wilderness. I’ll leave the moose fighting to the RCMP, thank you very much.

I am told by Mr. Amos that remark could be construed as offensive and inaccurate to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Yet, if they do not FIGHT the moose, how do they mount it?

I am being told now that they do not ride moose.

My apologies. It seems that even they have enough sense not to pick a fight with those massive death machines.

One of these days I must have a word with Epimetheus.

Regardless of the hellish landscape my massive friend is from, he IS a dear friend of mine, and the only one amongst our company who surpasses me in age. His wisdom shows, though his age does not. He is pleasant company, if a bit quiet and reserved at times. I sometimes worry he only interacts with me out of fear of angering my patron god Apollo again -- we shall get to that part soon.

Anyhow, I suppose we should get this underway. Once again the lovely Doctor [REDACTED] has deemed herself fit to evaluate Mr. Amos’s mental state. Even though nobody asked, I’m starting to think that these psychological evaluations are just excuses to try and assign labels to that which is inherently unique. Classifying that which cannot be classified. Which of you scientists has lived for over 2000 years? Nobody? That’s what I thought.

NAME: Amos

ALIASES: Mr. Amos, Goliath, The Shepherd, The Slaughterer, The Survivor

AGE: Approximately 4,500 years old, by his own estimation

HEIGHT: 20 Meters (non-suppressed), 3 Meters (suppressed)

Note: Mr. Amos requested we use the metric system because, and I quote, “America needs to get with the times” and “Citizens of other countries might read this”. Mr. Amos is wrong on both accounts, but nonetheless I have accommodated his ridiculous request, if only because I remember what it was like to not be beholden to America’s rules. For any of you Americans scrolling through this (I’m assuming that would be all of you), his respective heights are 65 feet when not wearing his suppression amulet and 9 feet when wearing the suppression amulet. Approximately. I promise you I tried every method under the sun to get the man under 9 feet but it is impossible.

WEIGHT: 9071 Kilograms/20,000 pounds (non-suppressed), 1,360 Kilograms/3,000 pounds (suppressed)

Again, I tried every method under the sun to make this giant hunk of muscle be able to walk around without leaving craters everywhere, and 3,000 pounds seems to be the best I can get. Gods watch over you if you get in-between this man and his protein.

SPECIES: Giant/Goliath (SUBSPECIES: Canadian Mountain Giant)

NOTABLE ABILITIES:

Gods above, what CAN’T he do?

Apologies, but one cannot help but be in awe of the giant known as Amos.

For starters, with the assistance of an amulet I made specifically for him (you know, because I’m a savant), Mr. Amos can solve the problem of not being small enough for human interaction by shrinking considerably, reducing his overall mass. Your human law of conservation says this is impossible, but Apollo and Thoth spit in the face of your Einstein.

Even while in his shrunken form, Mr. Amos is proportionately strong for a man of his size. Further testing over the years has shown Mr. Amos actually retains his strength of his non-suppressed form at 100% efficiency, and his strength is actually so great that we as weaklings are incapable of differentiating between his different levels.

On a side note, have I mentioned how beautiful this man is?

No, really. This is INCREDIBLY important. When you think of a giant, a certain image comes to mind, right? Some gnarled, ugly, unwashed heap of muscles and meat who doesn’t even know what a loincloth is.

Unfortunately for my poor little heart, Mr. Amos’s species seems to have properties similar to only one other known creature: the fucking succubus. Which is just fantastic, because one of my comrades is a succubus.

This means that Mr. Amos, as well as Mr. di Carina, constantly make subtle changes to their appearance with every passing second to appear more and more beautiful, and constantly release pheromones designed to make sentient creatures of ANY gender attracted to them. This means that, somehow, if Mr. di Carina is ever rendered out of action, the fucking GIANT is our next option for seducing someone. Terrific.

A notable distinction is that succubi surpass expectations of gender; for instance, Mr. di Carina is constantly adjusting to standards of beauty, appearing male to some, and female to others, and retaining an all around feminine appearance in spite of it all. However in all known instances, Mr. Amos has only ever appeared to fit the observers ideal of an attractive male.

I feel guilty for objectifying Mr. Amos, despite how many times he has assured me it is perfectly fine. Gods grant me the strength to continue.

Mr. Amos is capable of traversing massive bodies of water and land in little to no time. The strain on his body appears to be nonexistent, though with his appetite it would be unable to tell if his body is expending more energy than is the norm.

As befitting a giant, Mr. Amos has a ridiculously high pain threshold. Many have compared the man to the fictional character “The Juggernaut”, and indeed it would be a comprehensive comparison if not for Mr. Amos’s weaknesses.

NOTABLE WEAKNESSES:

As mentioned before, Mr. Amos has been compared to the fictional Juggernaut of Marvel series fame. However, if the Juggernaut is an unstoppable force like a freight train, then Mr. Amos is more of a... unstoppable Sherman. He has traded Mr. Juggernaut’s weakness to psychic powers and a binding contract to a deity for moving about as fast as a turtle.

I should clarify. Mr. Amos is not slow by any means, but the mere power in his steps and his dense body means that gravity is constantly weighing down on him, and were he to pick up speed, the already massive craters he calls footsteps would eventually dig through to the Earth’s core and he would all die. Mr. Amos moves deliberately and once he reaches his target, they will be decimated. However, this makes hit and run tactics very disadvantageous, and instead makes Mr. Amos a useful front line combatant and siege unit; I wish that we had been able to make use of Mr. Amos’s abilities when fighting in the Somme.

As mentioned before, as the biggest member of Project: Nero, Mr. Amos requires a massive amount of sustenance. I have seen 90 nobles of the most wasteful houses go through less food in a week-long feast than Mr. Amos does. Apparently this insatiable appetite does not disturb the ration officers; I saw one of them reading a book by some Welsh author about giants and such and the ‘why’ became clear.

Due to his inability to be stopped combined with his high maintenance, we are currently only really able to bring Mr. Amos’s giant form out as an ultimate trump card... and because the chaos caused would not be able to hide our existence to the world anymore. The government only authorizes the transformation if they don’t want any survivors or witnesses.

Subsequently, this treatment of Mr. Amos as an emergency-only monster, deemed to chaotic compared to the likes of even Mr. Takahashi have lead to some... harsh treatment of Mr. Amos by the human outliers of the science team. It has not been good for Mr. Amos’s self-esteem and were it not for the fact that I have no real authority and we must meet a human quota, I would order these hateful beasts to be executed painfully and without mercy.

As of recently, Mr. Amos’s age has finally caught up with him, at least mentally, and the anguish of his perfect memory and knowledge of the past has caused him to become closed-off, lowering team morale.

Make no mistake. I may be the de facto leader of this little ragtag group of freaks, but Mr. Amos is the heart.

PSYCHOLOGICAL DIAGNOSES AND PERSONALITY TRAITS:

Mr. Amos has a severe case of survivor’s guilt, as well as imposter syndrome, though his feelings of fraudulence appear to be completely unfounded as the man has been nothing but forthcoming.

As of Mr. Amos’s deployment to Vietnam and his subsequent return home, routine psychological evaluations seemed to indicate development of post-traumatic stress disorder and late-onset dissasociative identity disorder, if there truly is such a thing as late-onset DID. It is more likely that the giant has been battling with this disorder his entire life, and the harsh conditions and psychological trauma suffered while in Vietnam simply made him unable to mask his suffering anymore. I cannot imagine what it must be like to suffer for over 4,000 years in silence. The man has been suffering from survivor’s guilt for over 2,000 years as well, indicating that whatever happened to his tribe, it happened long before Europeans ever made contact with the Americas.

Mr. Amos seems to have an intense fear of death, as if the concept never occurred to him before.

Behind a deeply troubled man lies a heart almost as massive as he is. No, not literally. That would be biologically impossible. As Dr. Fero previously stated, Mr. Amos is certainly the most beloved member of his team... by his fellow squadmates, at least. I have nothing against Mr. Amos, do not get me wrong. However, the also aforementioned treatment of Mr. Amos by my fellow humans does not make me eager to approach him and inevitably cause more pain.

Mr. Amos is a deeply spiritual man, and seems to be in tune with nature. He is all-loving, and this attitude seems to endear him to everyone, especially the mostly prickly Agent Shrub. Yes, that was a pun, and no, I will not tell you why. I suppose you’ll find out once we get to Agent Shrub’s profile.

Even despite his fear of humans, Mr. Amos has made efforts to understand us - something that I cannot say my colleagues have done. Mr. Amos is a skilled baker and farmhand, and his skill levels equal those of one with PhDs in horticulturalism, herbalism, agriculturalism, animal behavior, science, and even culinary arts. I cannot describe the cakes he makes, for they are filled with something that we humans cannot even grasp. When we say something is made with “love”, I’m not sure we even know what “love” is. When I first tasted some of Mr. Amos’s pastries, I cried. Everyone always does. It tastes divine. It reminds me of... well, I shouldn’t get into details of my own life.

Mr. Amos has shown signs of a crippling loneliness and every time I look at him I want to help. I know I cannot, but when I catch glimpses of his eyes I see a man in need of love.

Note: The rest of the lines have been scribbled out, crossed out, drowned in white-out, and are evidently too embarrassing for Doctor [REDACTED] to repeat.

BACKGROUND:

Hello, all. I will try to keep this short.

My name is incomprehensible in the human tongue, and so I go by Amos. I once had a first and middle name, but the shame of losing my tribe has caused me to discard them.

I couldn’t protect them, and I cannot protect the ones I care about. I will not lie to you and pretend that I read Carter or Yvette’s analyses of me. I will instead tell you the plain, hard facts of my life.

I was born to a loving mother named Viktoria, and a just-as-loving father named Isaac. For a while, life was happy. Giants of my type generally live longer than humans can comprehend; death by old age would not happen until thousands of civilizations would rise and fall. I did not have to worry about mortality. Even when I died, I knew the Gods would reincarnate me as something infinitely more beautiful, such as a gust of wind, or a bird, or a flower. Such is life.

Our clan was exempt from most of the horrors that other giants faced; there was no such thing as war for us. There was no shortage of supplies, no shortage of responsibilities or things to do. We were shepherds. Farmers, bakers, herbalists, apothecaries, we were the providers, the caretakers of this world. Epimetheus’s favored tribe, we carried on long after he and Prometheus were punished for their hubris.

Our clan cared for all the sacred, exotic animals of the different pantheons, but chief amongst them were the Greeks. Athena’s owls, Poseidon’s stallions, Dionysus’s leopards... the most important were Apollo’s sacred cattle. For a while we were happy. Good at our jobs.

And perhaps if that peace had lasted, you would not be hearing from me.

When humans first came to the continent, we welcomed them with open arms. They were kind and kept to themselves; they held much of the same views about land as we did. Unfortunately, humans carry so many viral diseases that they even poison each other accidentally. It was no surprise, then, that left and right giants started to come down with what was only called “the pestilence”. With fewer farmers to tend to the vast fields, to take care of the animals, our crops and livestock dwindled. Panic and mass hysteria set in. Some giants left to try to feast on the very humans that had brought this plague -- but that in and of itself is against the nature of giants. Hatred is not in our veins. We do not resent mankind for bringing sickness. It is simply the will of the Gods.

And so those who feasted on human flesh were stripped of their clan names and their rights, marked as monsters.

But the pestilence and famine continued, and finally death came to us. In Christian mythos, there is a fourth horseman, and if you know who he is, then you should be able to predict what came next.

War. Infighting broke out amongst us. I was hardly a child; 2000 years old. My parents, who should have lived for tens of thousands of years more, were cut down in the blink of an eye. So enraged and desperate where we, so powerful was the cursed horseman’s influence, that we made weapons that should not have been able to kill us, and yet did -- through the power of hatred or through ingenuity, I do not know. What I do remember was seeing my former clansmen feasting on the remains of my parents. Once again they had turned to the unthinkable, the horrible, in order to survive this horrible time.

When the war was over, thankfully the winning side were not the cannibals. The cannibals were not only marked as monsters, but it was decided that they should be executed as well. So disgusting and long-lasting were War’s repugnant effects that once we learned how to kill each other, we still used it. They were killed. It was the will of the Gods.

With our quelled numbers, it was theorized that surely we should be able to survive on the food now, yes? No.

Giants still starved. Babies passed due to the pestilence. And we still killed one another.

Eventually my more weak-willed kin gave up hope. Truly there WAS no way of the Gods. They had abandoned us.

And once the Gods abandoned us, why should we keep ourselves from taking what was no longer sacred, but instead sustenance?

I watched in horror and fear as the four horsemen left before my very eyes. With each bloodied hand that dug into a bull or cow, I could feel the gentle warmth of the sun turn to a blistering fire.

Before my very eyes, the four horsemen were replaced by one angry God.

Apollo vaporized my tribe. I was the only one not to eat the cattle. No, I had instead prayed every day to Apollo as I lovingly tended to his remaining cows.

And for this, he spared me.

The rest is all relative.

Learn from my mistakes. Please.

Do not lose faith.

#inhuman #project:nero

1 note · View note

captiousbitch-blog · 5 years

Text

The dogmatism of radical feminism

Ask anyone if they consider themselves a feminist in 2019 and it’s unlikely you’ll receive a flat-out ‘no’ - the term has gained traction in popular culture in recent years, with celebrities like Harry Styles Beyoncé vocalising their support of the campaign (the latter to a viewership of 8.3 million at 2014’s Video Music Awards [Gallo, 2014]). Although feminists share the common goal of socioeconomic and political equality between the sexes (Beasley, 1999), there exist camps that attribute the causes of inequality – and the means to correct it- to vastly different concepts. Among many sub factions of feminists stand the radicals - these individuals consider an extreme re-ordering of society necessary to achieve gendered equality (Crow, 2000). While structural change may well be essential to this ambition, the foundations of radical feminism have proven to be contrary to the overarching goals of feminism - endangering and marginalising individuals in the name of supposed ‘equality’.

A distinguishing feature of radical feminism is its emphasis on patriarchal oppression. Capitalism has birthed a social class hierarchy that most major branches of feminism – such as Postmodern, Marxist and Socialist feminists- regard as a commanding force of women’s oppression (Anthias & Yuval-Davis, 1983). Not at all exclusive to this concept, the ‘patriarchy theory’ refers to a social system that is dominated by men - according to Walby (1989), many feminists belonging the aforementioned sectors assert the patriarchy and class system to be interactive in their subjugation of women. Radical feminists instead re-route the blame from class-based oppression almost entirely to the patriarchy. Politics of the Ego: A Manifesto - drafted by the New York Radical Feminists in 1970 – states that

the purpose of male chauvinism is primarily to obtain psychological ego satisfaction, and that only secondarily does this manifest itself in economic relationships. For this reason, we do not believe that capitalism, or any other economic system, is the cause of female oppression (NYRF, 1970, p.2)

This sentiment has severe implications when analysing contemporary social and political issues – when applied to the sex industry, it reduces what many claim to be a viable means of countering class-based oppression to an inherently oppressive void of male supremacy.

Radical feminists proclaim the sex industry to be fundamentally patriarchal, and sex workers as being forced into the job by pimps or as a result of childhood trauma (Stark & Whisnant, 2004). While both instances unquestionably do occur, to apply this theory to all sex workers is reflective of a narrow world view. Research conducted in London in 2009 revealed that only 6% of migrant sex workers felt at all coerced or deceived into selling sex (Mai), while a 2005 study examining the relationship between childhood sexual abuse and sex work found that there was no evidence of sex workers joining the force as a result of early sexualization – instead, ‘this research seems to suggest that these individuals are attempting to flee from chaotic family circumstances and are utilizing prostitution for financial livelihood’ (Abramovich, p. 141).

The radical feminists’ excessive fixation on male dominion finds their theory disregarding two significant facts: that people of all genders both utilize and deliver services within the sex industry; and that many partake in the supply of these services as a means to redistribute wealth (as noted above by Abramovich) - from those with the disposable income to purchase such services back into the pockets of a demographic largely disenfranchised as a result of capitalism (Farley, 2003) Postmodern feminists would emphasize the women’s agency in choosing sex work, liberal feminists would see sex work as the morally neutral and legitimate sale of a service (Jaggar, 1980), and socialist and Marxist feminists would likely empathise with the plight of female sex workers – if an individual is forced into the industry, it is resultant of their socio-economic circumstances and not a symptom of the industry itself (Bernstein, 2010). Radical feminism stands apart from these other major branches in its exclusion of estimates of hundreds of millions of women worldwide (Vandepitte, Lyerla & Dallabetta, 2006).

While radical feminists don’t bar female sex workers from rallying for their cause (although their paternalization of women in the industry would likely discourage them from allegiance), they do advocate for the abolition of sex industries worldwide via the criminalization (and in more extreme cases, illegalisation) of sex work (Miriam, 2005). This target, if achieved, would eradicate any subsequent legal protections and disenfranchise autonomous sex workers – male and female alike. Beyond disenfranchisement is the endangerment that comes with the elimination of industry regulations, and in the sex industry ‘to be female, or to be perceived as female, (is) to be more intensely targeted for violence’ (Farley & Barkan, p. 45). In this way, radical feminists who claim to advocate for the betterment of women are actually working toward a world in which they are far more at risk.

Radical feminist theory both jeopardizes and rejects the credibility of women far beyond those in sex work. Of course, gender exists on a spectrum, as acknowledged by countless reputable scientific bodies and increasingly by society as a whole (Monro, 2005). Radical feminists reject this scientific theory, instead maintaining that the two social classes are that of men and women and thus seeking to abolish the fundamentally hierarchical concept of constructed gender… quite contradictory to their belief of the male class’ ‘inherent predilection for power’ (Willis, 1984, p.8). At a glance, the basis of this declaration is excusable – to them, transgenderism reinforces socially constructed gender roles and stereotypes, and a male-born person who identifies as a female only wishes to do so because they align themselves more closely with socially constructed concepts of femininity (Daley, 1978).

Although a select few self-proclaimed radical feminists distance themselves from the majority (like Catharine MacKinnon asserting that ‘anybody who (…) wants to be a woman (…) is a woman’ [Farr & Fakhr, 2019]), many have also faced backlash over their transphobic comments– perhaps most notably Germaine Greer’s recent avowal that trans women are not real women (Germaine Greer: Transgender women are ‘not women’ – BBC Newsnight, 2015). Ultimately, denying the objective experiences of someone who has lived and been socialised as a woman for most of their life - in some cited cases as young as four (Kaltiala-Heino, Bergman, Työläjärvi & Frisén, 2018) – negates the essence of the feminist movement as a whole: to counter the oppression of women in all spheres, including in the social realm (Hannam, 2007). If no one is aware this person wasn’t born a girl, would they not be equally disparaged for their femininity? Do they not deserve the same degree of protection from patriarchal forces as cisgender women? Trans women are an enormously imperilled faction – a 2014 report found the average life expectancy of a trans woman in the United States to be between 30 and 35 years (Inter-American Commission on Human Rights , 2014), while cisgender women can expect to reach 78 (UN Department of Economic and Social Affairs, 2015). In fact, it is largely heteronormativity (a concept of which patriarchal gender roles are the foundation) that compels others to commit acts of violence against trans people, so any feminist that seeks to counter patriarchal forces should endeavour to protect trans people also. Instead, trans women are amongst the many excluded from – and who’s safety is threatened by - the campaign of the radical feminists.

Heteronormativity is arguably quite a toxic notion, and we simply don’t know how common heterosexuality would be if it weren’t as socially ingrained as it is. While social conditioning may well contribute to our attraction to the opposite sex, radical feminists have gone as far as to claim that sexual orientation is a choice… and that being straight is the wrong one (Fahs, 2010). Many are choosing to engage in ‘political lesbianism’- that is, opting to engage sexually and romantically with women only (Bindel, 2004) despite their true preferences- as a political statement and to contribute to the dilution of heteronormativity. The underlying problem with these efforts is radical feminism’s contention that sexual orientation is decided by the individual – an incredibly problematic notion countered by most scientific bodies including the notorious American Psychological Association (2008). If one’s sexuality is a choice, then homosexuality is a purposeful decision. This opinion is held by many figures (usually of some religious denomination) in support of conversion therapy – recipients of which are more than three times as likely to attempt suicide (Ryan, Toomey, Diaz & Russell, 2018). This sentiment not only presents a very serious risk to the wellbeing of homosexuals but also ostracises heterosexual feminists from the radical crusade. Who wants to join a movement that condescends you, insisting you’ve made the wrong choice and are too naïve to see this is the case?

I’m not one to cater to the majority’s fears of exclusion and I won’t put a damper on my fervour for feminist issues at the risk of scaring away those who aren’t already on our team. That being said, the guiding principles of radical feminism are inherently discriminatory and hazardous to the safety of many - sex workers, trans women and hetero and homosexuals included. Forget the ‘fem’ prefix of ‘feminism’. Our campaign’s pursuit of equality corresponds to the betterment of all people, regardless of gender, and exclusionary ideologies like that of the radical’s are not in alignment with – and thus vastly limited in their contributions toward - the objectives of the feminist movement.

Cited:

Abramovich, E. (2005) Childhood Sexual Abuse as a Risk Factor for Subsequent Involvement in Sex Work, Journal of Psychology & Human Sexuality, 17(1-2) 131-146, DOI: 10.1300/J056v17n01_08

American Psychological Association. (2008). Answers to your questions: For a better understanding of sexual orientation and homosexuality. Washington, DC: Author. [Retrieved from www.apa.org/topics/lgbt/orientation.pdf.]

Anthias, F. and Yuval-Davis, N. (1983) ‘Contextualizing Feminism — Gender, Ethnic and Class Divisions’, Feminist Review, 15(1), pp. 62–75. doi: 10.1057/fr.1983.33.

BBC Newsnight (2019). Germaine Greer: Transgender women are 'not women' - BBC Newsnight. [video] Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7B8Q6D4a6TM [Accessed 6 Apr. 2019].

Beasley, C., (1999). What is feminism?: An introduction to feminist theory. Sage.

Bernstein, E., 2010. Militarized humanitarianism meets carceral feminism: The politics of sex, rights, and freedom in contemporary antitrafficking campaigns. Signs: Journal of Women in Culture and Society, 36(1), pp.45-71.

Bindel, J (27 March 2004). Location, location, orientation. The Guardian.

Crow, B.A. ed., (2000). Radical feminism: A documentary reader. NYU Press.

Daly, M. (1978). Gyn/ecology: The metaethics of radical feminism. Oxford, England: Beacon.

Fahs, C. (2010). "Radical refusals: On the anarchist politics of women choosing asexuality". Sexualities. SAGE Publications. 13 (4): 445–461. doi:10.1177/1363460710370650. Retrieved October 3, 2012.

Farley, M. (2003). Prostitution and Trafficking in 9 Countries: Update on Violence and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder.. Journal of Trauma Practice. 2: 33-74.

Farley, M PhD. & Barkan, H DrPH. (1998) Prostitution, Violence, and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, Women & Health, 27 (3), pp. 37-49, DOI: 10.1300/J013v27n03_03

Farr, B. and Fakhr, A. (2019). “Harm is harm, hello”. [online] On Century Avenue. Available at: http://oncenturyavenue.org/2015/03/harm-is-harm-hello/ [Accessed 2 Apr. 2019].

Gallo, P. (2019). VMAs Ratings Down Despite Blue Ivy Surprise. [online] Billboard. Available at: https://www.billboard.com/articles/events/vma/6229363/ratings-mtv-vmas-8-million-viewers-down-18-percent [Accessed 11 Apr. 2019].

Hannam, J. (2007). Feminism. Harlow, England ; New York: Pearson/Longman.

Kaltiala-Heino, R., Bergman, H., Työläjärvi, M., & Frisén, L. (2018). Gender dysphoria in adolescence: current perspectives. Adolescent health, medicine and therapeutics, 9, 31–41. doi:10.2147/AHMT.S135432

Inter-American Commission on Human Rights. (2014). An overview of violence against LGBT Persons: A registry documenting acts of violence. Washington, DC.

Jaggar, A. (1980). Prostitution. In Soble, A. (1980) Readings in the Philosophy of Sex. Totowa, N.J: Littlefield, Adams & Co

Mai, N. (2009). Migrant Workers in the UK Sex Industry: Full Research Report ESRC End of Award Report, RES-062-23-0137. Swindon: ESRC

Miriam, K., 2005. Stopping the traffic in women: Power, agency and abolition in feminist debates over sex‐trafficking. Journal of Social Philosophy, 36(1), pp.1-17.

Monro, S PhD. (2005) Beyond Male and Female: Poststructuralism and the Spectrum of Gender, International Journal of Transgenderism, 8:1, 3-22, DOI: 10.1300/J485v08n01_02

Top of Form

NEW YORK RADICAL FEMINISTS. (1970). Politics of the ego: a manifesto for N.Y. Radical Feminists. New York: New York Radical Feminists.

Ryan, C., Toomey, R. B., Diaz, R. M., & Russell, S. T. (2018). Parent-Initiated Sexual Orientation Change Efforts With LGBT Adolescents: Implications for Young Adult Mental Health and Adjustment. Journal of homosexuality, 1-15.

Stark, C. & Whisnant, R. (2004). Not for Sale: Feminists Resisting Prostitution and Pornography, Melbourne: Spinifex PressBottom of Form

United Nations Department of Economic and Social Affairs (29 July 2015). United Nations World Population Prospects: 2015 revision (PDF). UN.

Vandepitte J, Lyerla R, Dallabetta G, et al (2006). Estimates of the number of female sex workers in different regions of the world. Sexually Transmitted Infections. 2006. 82: iii18-iii25.

Walby, S. (1989). ‘Theorising patriarchy’, Sociology, 23(2), 213-234.

Willis, E. (1984). Radical Feminism and Feminist Radicalism. Social Text, 9 (10), 91-118. doi:10.2307/466537

#feminism #radfem #radical feminism

1 note · View note