#AND THEN last night as i was getting home at like 2 AM from my friends
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#man ive never seen an eating disorder kill someone else besides a parent infecting a child but my nana is really trying#shes like 1000% orthotexic. will not eat anything not filled with vegetables or fat. and my grandpa is 87yo with a heart condition currentl#in the hospital for covid bc thry went to Christmas church and dont believe in being vaccinated and my dad is so frustrated#bc he knows his mom is not gonna give his dad hearty foods. he needs to eat like protein shakes and meat and ice cream. anything thats not#her cooking which sucks on top of being extremely healthy. except its not healthy bc they dont eat a balanced diet#so its my nanas eating disorder killing her husband and shes so fucking frustrating. im like 99% sure she has obsessive compulsive#personally disorder bc she fits to a T and has zero insight. she may have full on 0cd bc talking to my dad he has more obvious 0cd#compulsions than i do. he used to say phrases before going to bed and would take 2 steps across the floor to prevent bad things from#happening. so like im pretty sure my nana is where i get my perfectionism and 0cd. god. i wish i could express how fucked up she is#like my dad said at least he had a stable home to grow up in but like she has zero sympathy for other people. cannot look past herself. wil#not wear a mask bc she doesnt care enough abt other ppl. my dad was like: u would not have survived in that house. which is fair bc i am#barely keeping it together coming from a stable home with two sympathetic parents who i know love me#and like its sad that they're suffering the effects of buying into the fox news bullshit and its killing them#but also. genuinely. i think theyre not very good ppl. theyre the type of people who think they're better bc they're religious. white. and#thin. and theyre not better thsn anyone. their grandchildren cant stand them. well cant stand her at least. papa is just quite so its hard#to say what hes thinking. apparently he was confused last night and saying something about eating dinner on the golf course. which sounds#nicer thsn being in the hospital lol. ugh. he seems not long for this world tbh. may he pass peacefully to b with his 1st wife who died of#brain cancer at age like 20 or something. so it goes. bleh. how many funerals are intended for me in the next 5 years? hopefully none but#that seems improbable with the unspoken drain circling that seems to b going on in this family. old age and like almost 10 years of cancer#defying the stats but for how much longer?#i dunno. its just so weird to watch these things happen and not talk about it directly to the other ppl who see it#i worry that ill come off as too callose or inappropriate bc i have that tendency when something bad is happening but thats everyone else#excuse? idk i just feel like its better to talk abt things#unrelated#ed mention#i tell u this so i can say these things to someone and also bc if i were u. i would like to hear the drama#bc im nosey and i assume other r too ;-]
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School is draining any small motivation I had for art
or creativity in general
(tw: I got pretty much depressive in the tags but I needed to dump this somewhere and this may not be the best place but is where I feel better talking about my problems or insecurities, so feel free to ignore)
#vent in the tags#tw vent#i'm tired#and I hate that I'm tired#everytime I try to finish education is worst than the last time. my head can't take any sort of information from the class#no matter how many times they try to explain me or how many times I read and reread the same text#I can't focus. I can't memorize anything. I'm just sitting there in the classroom waiting for the 4 hours to finish to go back home#and spend the rest of the night just doing nothing. staring at the walls or doomscrolling till I have to go to bed and wake up again#for another day of fighting against an stupid anxiety attack in class because I'm going to fail this again#I hate school. I fucking hate it. the most boring stressing overwhelming way of learning#having the teacher talk for 1-2 hours straight and the student listening the whole time not saying anything is stupid#it's so fucking stupid they only want them to be mindless sheeps that only listen#because if you say anything 'no. you're wrong. I'm the teacher and I know better' fucking bullshit#this system is bullshit#and how am I supposed to study a whole school year of history. biology. math etc in less than 4 months??#everybody was like#'oh it's just 4 months and you'll be out of school!' 'in 4 months you'll get the education!' 'you can finish this in just 4 months!'#I fucking can't! I can't do this in such short time! I can't. focus. on 6. subjects at the same time. my brain can't!#and it's so fucking depressing. I have 4 opportunities to finish this. the longest it could take me is 2 years#I could just focus on 1 or 2 things each time but if I fail too many times I won't have another opportunity like this ever again#and I won't be able to finish highschool education and I. just. can't.#I'm tired of giving my biggest effort and not being enough. I'm tired of getting no satisfaction from any achievement I get#I hate so many things right now#and I have a lot more things in my head right now but I better shut up#you don't have to comfort me. it's ok. I'm not searching for confort. I just needed a place to dump my frustration or something#idk#you can ignore this#I might delete this later
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i seriously need to get a new job and start making money again asap bc i cannot keep living at home much longer it’s driving me insane
(wrote an entire essay in the tags without meaning to oops)
#i feel so isolated from everything bc i’m not in school rn but all my friends are and 90% of the ones who are in state go to the same school#so they’re all in the same town and here i am 45 minutes away#i never get invited to anything bc 1) my friends all tend to make plans really last minute#and 2) if we want to go out and drink - which we usually do bc that’s the stage of life we’re in rn - i’d have to stay the night with#someone bc i absolutely cannot afford a 45 minute uber home and most of my friends don’t like staying over / having people stay over#so i have basically no social life and it’s only gotten worse in the past couple months since i got laid off from my main job#not only did i love that job but i loved my coworkers and work was pretty much the only time i left the house and interacted with people#and without that job i can’t even do the little solo things i used to do to cheer myself up like go see a movie#or even just go for a long drive bc i’m broke (as in i have $17 in cash to my name and am like $1000 in debt rn)#so all i do is rot in bed all day and apply for jobs that i’m overqualified for yet still don’t get hired#i barely even leave my room bc i avoid my family which just makes me feel guilty bc i love my family#but they get on my nerves so easily and most of the conversations i have with my mom end in her lecturing me about something and me crying#and on top of everything it’s just straight up embarrassing to be unemployed and completely directionless about college and living at home#logically i know i’m still very young and it’s common to live at home when you’re 20 but literally none of my friends do#i had a couple friends who lived at home for the first 2 years after high school and went to community college but by now they’ve moved out#and they’re all at universities and either graduating this year or next year meanwhile the earliest i could possibly graduate is in 2 years#i should be finishing my junior year rn but i’ve only completed my freshman year#i hated the school i was at and planned on transferring sophomore year but long story short that didn’t work out#even longer story short i ended up doing a semester each at 2 different community colleges and failed all my classes both times#and took 2 semesters off so now i’m a full 2 years behind and even though my freshman year was miserable#i’m starting to wish i stayed at that school anyway bc at least i would be at a university and accomplishing something#plus theres a huge difference between staying at home for a couple years after high school then moving out later#vs living on your own right away then having to move back home after you’ve already experienced having your own space#and on top of everything i have an older sister who’s a literal genius and graduated last year#and a younger sister who just finished her freshman year at the school i hated but she loves it and got perfect grades and made friends#so they’re both thriving and here i am living with my mom and my 13 year old brother and just completely failing at everything#i’m just so miserable and obviously moving out again and going back to school wouldn’t magically fix everything#but at least i would feel like my life was going somewhere and i wasn’t getting left behind by everyone i know#i just have no idea how to move forward and i feel like ever since high school not a single thing has gone the way i wanted it to#vent
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okay today was like the first time since surgery that i've been able to exist as a human outside my house!! and i had a great time even though i am PAYING FOR IT. HEAVILY 💀
#god my ribs are KILLING ME SLOWLY#anyway i had a good day 🥺🥺🥺 last night my partner and i woke up at the same time#bc we both had to pee. and i totally forgot but when we laid back down i told her ''i'm hungy..''#bc it was like 3 am and i didnt wanna get up. so i just wanted to complain lol#but she woke me up to a big breakfast she ordered in like ''hey it made me sad that you were hungry jn the night-#so i got you and i a big breakfast 🥺👉👈💖'' and UGH it made my heart so happy#and then we chilled out before i decided i could handle leaving home and wanted to go to the mall#and i had a really good time existing in public!!! im getting a little depressed from being bed bound#i FINALLY got after laughter on vinyl after wanting it for like almost 5 years 😭😭😭#and some cute stickers!!! anyway yeah i had a nice day w my baby and it made me happy 🥹💖#as much as im hurting badly rn it was worth it for the lil date 💖💖💖 pain meds should help soon anyway#im just glad to have finally gotten out of the house#chatter#round 2#also let me just say my previous thoracotomy did NOT prepare me for this one.#turns out the open version is VERY DIFFERENT. which i knew but god its so stark when youre living it#p sure by 2 weeks post op last time i was relatively fine!!!! almost back to normal#oh and uh#autumn
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its that time of the night
#and the year.#really makes me feel like summer especially middle school and before#completely isolated from all my friends panic attacks every time the sun went down hiding from my mom trying to block out screaming as#best i could staying up til dawn drinking dr pepper stealing my moms books listening to my dads cds stealing chocolate chips and eventually#wine from the kitchen puking in the bathroom reading the perks of being a wallflower goinf out for bike rides in the early morning walking#to the library and collapsing on the way home cause i hadnt eaten in 2 days walking past the church holding a knife in one hand#biking because i just knew there was somebody waiting to kill me dying my hair three times begging for escape from the monotony making#friends on twitter and discord in bad places getting attention from strangers for my relationship with a razor blade staying up all night#for the quiet because i needed to be alone because i couldnt sleep to feel something besides numbness getting yelled at for keeping my room#messy and crying thinking about people knowing i was eating finding a book that made me happy and knowing that once i finished it id#return to awful numbing boredom nothing could fix god ive typed a lot#sorry im feeling nostalgic about feeling bad and summer has always been one of many low points in the year for me#anyways ✌️#dw about me im actually in a really good place mentally rn i just. am worried for how long itll last#and quite scared about getting taken off my antidepressants tbh#bug shut up#delete later#Youtube
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ohohoho boy update. today at work it was just us doing cheese while everyone else pulled an ice cream order, and i was like hey if youre not busy saturday would you want to roadtrip with me? and i fully expected him to say no, but we are roadtripping to nebraska on saturday <3 <3 anyway what playlist do i put on in the car. do we trust him enough for get loose get looser
#music wise. i think maybe take a walk in the sun or normal music. not sure about glgl yet#i will probably put him on aux for at least half of the trip#(and when i say trip i mean like. 6-7 hours round trip. like we're not going very far for very long)#we're leaving at like 2:45-3pm and i get sleepy around 10 so not like a super good road trip for me#i told him that the way i plan trips was usually a long drive based purely off vibes but i would try to have an actual plan this time#and i asked him what time he would want to be home for work the next day since he works at 6am#and god he was so cute he was like 'i'll call off work on sunday so you can do one of your usual trips'#and yeah. sighh i am down so bad#and i HAVE to promise to be normal on this trip. i always get weird in cars late at night.#but theres Implications of him being in my car like 100 miles from home. so i cant do or say anything weird#like could you imagine being in a car with someone you dont like and they start being weird. like what the fuck do you even do.#but anyway yeah good day. he was very talkative today. and he is so cute sometimes i cant stand it#work is really fun when theres 6 of us and i can stand there while the underclassmen do all the work#boy post#oh and he said he was going to message that he was streaming skyrim but it ended up being boring#so that revealed some info. 1) twitch streamer 2) did think about texting me at least once last week 3) trusts me to know about his twitch#ugh. i would love to just hurry all this up but i have to be patient i have toooo#okay! off to take a disease quiz and then study some ice cream#talk to you later tumblrinas
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bath + asparagus time
#I did some cleaning and my day’s gotten slightly better#long story short I’ve had a fucking weekend lmfao#last Thursday I had a complete breakdown on my way home prompted by like the smallest comment u could think of#nevertheless it made me sob violently#like picture florence pugh in midsommar but more hysterical#on Friday I had a good day!! but it was fuckin busy man and I didn’t get around to#half of the stuff I needed to#Saturday was also busy and on the way home from work my car started SMOKING!!!! from under the hood#nothing was on fire but it freaked me the fuck out and I couldn’t get it to the mechanic until today so I had to find rides everywhere#and that was stressful#I only got like 3 or 4 hours of sleep Saturday night bc I had a (fun!!!) thing that went really late and then had to get up at 5 for work#on Sunday#so Sunday afternoon I got home and napped from 2-6pm and then just went to bed at 8 so I STILL didn’t get any shit done#and then this morning I opened again and I spent my sh#ift w people who are even newer at my job than I am so I was like training them/doing everything they couldn’t do yet and it was just#a weird day and my boss was acting weird and I didn’t like it at all#and then this afternoon I take my car to the mechanic FINALLY and he says the radiator’s busted and leaking coolant everywhere and also#one of the tires is fucked so we have to get them all replaced#and that’s gonna be several hundred dollars which is fine it’s all fine but I’m fucking tired#and when I got home there were still dishes to do😭😭😭#I need someone to baby me and clean my house#gawd#valkyrie talks
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legal exec: woke up late yesterday so she thought she'd just take a sick day off
partner: has had the last three days off work because he's got a stuffy nose
me: this is fine :) i am fine :)
#at this stage i am 95% sure mr r is just fucking around at home like buddy if you have time to micromanage me while you're 'sick' at home#then you're not fucking sick#literally i am...............so tired of everyone in this office today#yesterday!!!! i got yelled at by some client for work that mr r didn't do for him!!!!!#like wtf!!!!! that's not even my file why are you yelling at me!!!!!!#wait for mr r to come back from his bloody sick leave AND THEN yell at HIM!!!!!!#wtf have i done!!!!!!#i'm doing all of mr r's meetings AND my own AND did all the fucking admin on my own yesterday#because our legal exec is leaving at the end of next month and seriously just gives no fucks about work anymore#which i can understand BUT STILL#jiejie is STRUGGLING!!!!!! can y'all just get your act together for a week so i can breathe 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#also i think i'm about to get my period soon and am Very Irritable#i spent like 2 hours last night thinking about how i should've yelled back at mr r's client#work stories#sarah talks about herself
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btw sorry for the influx of negative posts but this is. literally a life defining moment for me and i'm scared shitless so <3 i'll calm down in a week i just need to be dramatic first
#just burst into tears on my way home 🙃#just had a realization that therapy really did help me and i am in a better place now. but at the same time#it's really fucking disheartening to realize that if something bad happened you wouldn't be getting any help from your parents. again!#because why would they learn from their mistakes lmao#lately they've been just. so mean to me for no fucking reason. and it's fine usually but not now#i'm like okay! i'm starting my life again! we'll see how it goes#and they're like btw if you fuck up this time you'll be the only one to blame :) also we won't help you because you're an adult :)#like i did not!!! fucking ask!!!!#i did ask for a bit of your support though and got yelled at in return!!!#sometimes i'm just. amazed. like holy shit you guys can be normal but sometimes you're cartoonishly mean.#like i asked my father if he could ask his friend if i could sleep at his place one night. and the response i got?#'until you've proved your worth to me i have no reason to help you' like HELLO. this is. wow#he says shit like that all the time unprompted#he acts like i'm a criminal or something lmao but what i did wrong was dropping out of uni.#after 2 years of fighting with officials about something i had no control over and getting fucked over again and again#like sorry i could not take it anymore!#i restored most of my self-confidence through therapy but this shit sometimes gets to you. yk#godddd i am getting so personal it's fucking embarrassing but i promise it's the last time <3 or i hope so lmao#i just have to survive this week. i will calm down after first 2 days of classes.#and if after that i'll decide i'm not ready yet? then i still have my job and enough time to try again#yeah i'm trying to convince myself at this point abjsvjscjs#k.txt#dl#btw this sounds way dramatic than it actually is so <3 don't you worry about me i'll be back to normal soon
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wanting to be upset at someone but also rationalizing all of their actions because they have a huge smattering of trauma, emotional processing problems, adhd, and severe anxiety... sucks ass.
#i want to be upset because they are staying at my apartment#and they have gotten so frustrated about things both days they have gotten into hours long fights both days#and i am viscerally uncomfortable and feel like i'm in the way no matter where i am#but it's my house!!!#but i also feel shitty for being upset because i know that everything i listed makes it hard for them to control this sort of stuff#but i didn't fall asleep until like 2 am last night and today almost as soon as i got home from work it started again#and they are stressing me out so bad#and it is very very much feeling like when i lived with them in college and that was one of the worst years of my life#i am amazed i didn't get an ulcer living with them. they yell and cry and stomp and throw their things around and slam doors#and i just. hate it.#and i know i am probably making excuses for them with everything i said but i also feel bad for feeling this way#but i have so many friends who deal with the exact same things and i never ever feel like this with them#and it makes me not want to be their friend anymore#but i know it would WRECK them if i did because i've seen them lose friends they were close to before#and i don't want to do that to them again#and they aren't like this all the time. but it happens often enough that i get preemptive anxiety about seeing them half the time#but they haven't done it recently and i just.#i was trying to do activities in my bedroom when they were in the living room#and then in the kitchen when they were in my bedroom#but i ran out of things to do so now i'm just sitting as still as possible and making no noise on the farthest corner of my couch#and i just want them to go
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I almost accidentally texted my boss that “it’s so hard being a teenage girl in her 20s” :-(
#I also almost told her I couldn’t come in bc I couldn’t trust myself to keep up my little work persona#but I also powered through and didn’t say that#I could’ve tho she doesn’t care what I say#idk I called off summer school this week and like my bad bc I did in fact sign up to do it 💀 but dear god I would die if I lost it#I haven’t cried at this job yet (outside of injury but thats legal crying 🙏) and I will not be breaking my streak#it’s fine we were way over staffed to begin with and half the kids have job placements so like I’d be bored out of my mind anyway#I’m just going to go back to sleep and then go see my mom#I hope Andy printed my little pieces for my costume but when I asked him last night he kept being like ohhh I lose the blah blah#you’re missing parts 😐 of my 600 dollar printer 😐 that I left with you because you said you’d take care of it if I let you use it 😐#ough it’s fine if there any more problems then idk Lydia’s GODD at problem solving and she will be here tomorrow night well at midnight we#so we are probs just coming right home and going to sleep but we have 2 days to get crisis work done if we have to#I’m so lonely I’m going back to sleep#my apologies to my students lol#I HEART 8 AM PERSONAL DIARY POSTING I’m getting such a good grade from my doctor when I tell her#my posts
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speaking of horrors theres something happening and i dont know what it is but its pissing me off
#wind howls#i think a lot of stress from still not having a job for the summer is getting to me#i just dont know what to do.#my sisters boyfriend said to look on facebook for job offers and when i did 99.9% of them were definitely fake and scams.#i appreciate the tip but i know a bit better.... cmon man....#i guess The Rage has been getting to me a bit as well. i know thats likely the source of last nights partly trauma nightmare i had.#i sent in another application today and im worried bc its passing though an employment agency which. my last tutor said 2 avoid#but girl. im gettinf a bit desperate here. i already had a job around this time last year#and my options are limited because my mobility is limited. cant stand for long and cant drive.#and i dont have many options near my house bc its all fucking. retail jobs that get ableist real fast if you cant stand in place for long#like. from what ive heard standing up in the same spot for 8 hours is already hard for able bodied people. how am i meant 2 survive.#the few times i did that i came home crying from the pain and frankly speaking im desperate but im not THAT Desperate.#long story short. please pray that i find fucking SOMETHING this week lest i explode and start crying
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Those boots from Hell that I think are so cute, I gave to my sister last night. Got to talking about Christmas presents with my mom earlier, this morning, and I'm wondering if maybe I should've put a bow or two on them and said "merry Christmas."
Too late now. Her face lit up when she realized that they would probably make her the tallest of her friend group. They're white heeled boots with black platform soles and black laces. So cute, but I walk too damn much for them.
#was literally sobbing the other night trying to get home#I normally keep pace with Google Maps and ETA was 2:11 AM#Mom picked me up at 2:50 AM from the side of the road#I was taking the tiniest of baby steps#it was SO bad#I threw them on because i didn't think i would do that much walking on Wednesday#*public transportation has entered the chat*#every time i think I'm not gonna walk a ton I'm ALWAYS wrong#was mostly out that late in the first place because my feet were starting to hurt so i texted for a ride and was waiting for Mom to respond#but the gym had to close eventually so i had to head home#and Mom apparently saw my texts and texted back at 2:03 AM sometime after the last bus of my commute dropped me off#and later told me that SHE HAD WAITED FOR ME TO RESPOND and started looking for me because I WASN'T RESPONDING and I hadn't come home yet#she was worried i was kidnapped or something#meanwhile: she hasn't paid my phone bill in like two years#she said she would through college#flakey-ass bitch#anyway#the shoes aren't actually from Hell#they're from Rhapsodyelle#dunno if i spelled that right#only store I've ever been into where it's CLEAR that the interior design was done by someone neurodivergent#as a fellow neurodivergent person i respect that#the clothes were organized by color and they had the sunlight-mimic light bulbs that I've only ever heard of in an Invader Zim fanfiction#raine's daize#rhapsodyelle#shoes#merry holidays#neurodivergent#autism
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save me mark winters..mark winters save me
#head in hands. had a mini panic episode wjen i got home from work this afternoon and slept for like 20 minutes#and in that time had one of the most vivid dreams ever#good! because it was of the fuckin. stupid ass pd oc i thoight of last week which was cool i love having oc dreams#however i am currently running on my 3 hrs of sleep from last night and weird emotions bc it was a mackerel day for diet prep at work and#have generally just been waxing poetic about the dumbest shit since then#AND . got a weird ass fuckin. bot ask earlier with an angel number in it that vaguely made me think my ex was trying 2 contact me again .#anyway. save me mark winters etc etc. thinkjng abt him.#anyone else been getting bot asks. i need 2 know if that was fake or if it was a burner account and i should be afraid.#morgan if ur reading this. fuck you i hate your ass come kill me like a grownup already .#make it tragic and poetic at least . at least be sexy about it . hannibal kill.me if youre not a coward#fuck all that im not going to read about angel numbers anymore#im gonna go play stardew valley and hope nobody breaks into my fucjing apartment while im sleeping on the couch again
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#good news gang i survived my shift by transitioning smoothly from severe hangxiety to caffeine jitters#to being so tired i feel physically ill but i am in fact home and me and my babies had a good shift#but good god#theres that line in natasha pierre and the great comet of 1812 in the duel#when pierre says “there is something inside of me#something terrible and monstrous“#like i get u bb it be like that sometimes#but god is merciful its a gross cloudy day that is perfect rotting in bed for 12 hours before transitioning to couch rot#im off tonight then 2 shifts and then i have a week off and i will make it through this if it kills me#i am proud of myself for not callikt out last night even if it was only bc the holiday#id rather drop dead at work than have poeple think im weasling out of my holiday#also calling out would have intensified the “do people hate me” spiral which wouldnt have been productive#its ok tho im gonna sleep so hard ill develop bed sores i can feel it im so excited#being so painfully exhausted does have the upside of ending up with the best goddamn sleep ever nothing compares#shout out to my coworkers who responded to my experience of getting quite drunk in a basement and chain smoking other peoples cigarettes#with “ah those were the days i really miss that”#the drummer was right nurses really are just all like that
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I am in car hell and I'm never ever getting out
#me :)#yesterday i woke up at 8 am. went to all my classes (last one runs till 5:15) ran home packed everything i forgot to up real quick shoved it#and cat and friend in my car. we drive through the night from vermont to Chicago. leave Vermont at like 7:20#get into chicago a little before 11 am.#i get 2 or so hours of sleep and drive the whole rest of the time (my choice and fault but still)#say hi to friend who lives in Chicago. drop friend in car off so tgey can go the rest of the way home#and then spend FOURTY FIVE minutes getting on the right highway to get out of Chicago.#anwyay i am still in car. not gome for break yet#which means i have been awake for nearly 31 hours almost straight#and have been driving for most of it#also have not eaten anything that wasnt snack chip until like right this second#all of this is my own fault but this is my space yo complain so complain i will
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